anyone else feel all consuming dread the day before something they've been looking forward to is happening or is that just me?

Today may feel like you are losing control and stability within your life. You may strongly desire change but are being held back by fears and anxieties , the what ifs!

Self doubt, questioning your abilities , overwhelm.

It’s a good time to breathe. Inhale, hold, exhale for longer.

Inhale 4 , hold , exhale for 8

Fear and anxiety stem from previous experiences, try to remember that. Pick up a pen and write about each yucky feeling that surfaces up- where does it come from? Where can it take you?

If you’re stubborn like me - sometimes it pays to see the damage our fears can cause in the long term and just scare yourself into forward movement lol. An example would be my fear of the dark- it was logical and irrational at the same time. It stemmed from childhood wounding and triggered it over and over and over. It was incredibly distressing and I wasn’t able to dive into exposure therapy until I read an article about how sleeping with the lights on could lower life expectancy by 20 years. Our will to live is often much stronger than the acceptance of defeat. Lean into that.

You want to take a big risk, you want to fall in love - in the silliest, butterflies in the stomach type way. Don’t let your boss energy be drown out by catastrophizing the future.

Now is a perfect time to make amends, have heart to hearts, find compassion for the people in your life, choose forgiveness and really see people for who they are- in every bit of light and dark.

It’s ok if you aren’t entirely sure that you’ll be great at whatever venture you wanna dive into- being really bad at something is the first step towards being really good. Sometimes ya just gotta take a leap of faith and follow your tender little heart.

I am always really thankful that despite having generalized anxiety disorder that I somehow can push through with just the power of my curiosity. I’m scared as hell to do most of the things I do but I have a way with fear. Anxiety is really just excitement over the possibilities if you think about it !

These cards show Aries and Aquarius energy. Use the self to reach the whole. Push through. Believe in yourself and take a chance

Be wildly you <3

Dec 9 2022 (6:56pm)

Made it through the day fine, though I was still sorta charged and obviously worn out. Funny enough, I performed well, and didn’t make many silly mistakes like I sometimes do. It was just simple and I was on it.

At some point, maybe it was last night, I really felt like I missed Izzy, and that was the source of my anxiety. I went there after work, and broke down. I hadn’t seen her in weeks. Seeing her made me feel nice. Thought of maybe things being able to put back together passed through my mind today periodically.

I’m very confused. Yeah, I’m a bit sleep deprived and had an anxious couple days, but it just feels like this little anxious period was punctuation of some sort. Like I’m figuring things out and now other things feel slightly different.

I watched a Youtube video a few days ago that basically stated that the degree of happiness you experience in life is strongly connection to the strength of your relationships. That people are the most important. This was an unsurprising metric to me at this point… lol

People have been the common denominator in all my good times so far. They are the most important. Unfortunately, I have thus far taken them perfectly for granted. I thought that people will just always be around, which is an understandable conclusion to have come to based on early life experiences; people always were around, friends, family, etc. Because of this, I effectively factored them out in a way. They became givens, and I was then solely interested in what I could do and achieve with them instead. I just had no idea how important it was to maintain relationships. I had no idea just how important they are to me, more importantly.

This whole time, yes I’ve been going through this and that with life path shit, but another problem was my relationships were all somewhat complicated. They weren’t places of refuge. Well not entirely, and it’s arguable that things are ever perfect for anyone. I think it was just the timing… I dunno.

I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts about this, but for now I wanted to move onto another topic I find interesting.

I’ve wanted to dissect my whole hyper-ambitiousness thing and get to the bottom of it and why it’s not working in my favour. I think “hyper-ambitiousness” is just a word for allowing anxiety to charge your work-drive. And by charge, I mean it gets inside and start influencing the very ideas and assumptions you approach being productive with.

This far, I imagined being productive as just hammering out shit like a mad genius. Productivity was zooming along fast. Sitting down everyday and just flying at light speed. There’s all these “speedy” words involved, explicitly and implicitly. It’s like I was not okay with something taking a long time… and again… taking into account who had original set those assumptions in motion… it’s not surprising they were ill-informed and under-cooked.

To perhaps unnecessarily elaborate, the word “productive” itself just feels like it’s in motion, exciting motion. To be a productive person sounds like you’d just be this machine, raking in gold somewhat. Maybe a little dramatic, but you get me.

The point I’m getting at is that there will be times when the project at hand will require more effort or less effort to complete. Some projects don’t even have tangible products. You can fill you todo list with easy as fuck tasks, do 20 in the course of a day and feel so incredibly productive. Then, you could fill it with 1 difficult task, that doesn’t have a tangible product, and in completion you feel far less accomplished then the day before when folded shirts, did dishes, etc.

A unit of productivity - a task - require different amount of energy to complete. This means that you could put in the same amount of energy of two days, and be different amount of productive, based on the defined units.

This unit is trouble because it doesn’t respect the effort put in. A better unit would somehow measure the amount of energy you expelled, and base your degree of productivity on that metric. In other words, you could be very productive, but only gotten 1 task done, perhaps even half of one task.

Relating this back to me. I wouldn’t feel satisfied with my productivity unless I had done quite a lot each day, and disregarded the varying amounts of energy required for each set of tasks. Slowly I increased the amount of tasks I pressured myself to do, because I thought I could get them all done.

To conclude, I’m in the process of formulating a basic standard, a rule of sorts, for what constitutes productivity. The goal of which would be to find an amount of “productivity” that each day would be easy to achieve (even if it meant not completing a task) that therefore would stresslessly compound. This standard wouldn’t be for sake of reducing the amount of work I do, but more for the sake of guaranteeing some degree of movement is occuring, even if at turtle speed. This stresslessness brings all the joy of working back because you’re not scared of starting. Productivity shouldn’t be suffering. It can be, but it should be most of the time.

Cuddling Headcanons with Power and Kobeni

Power

C u d d l e M o n s t e r

She'll be all over you once it starts, make sure to do all your important work earlier because you're not getting out of her grip anytime soon.

Really demanding when it comes to cuddling with you. Power will glare at all anyone who tries to interrupt your time with her.

I feel like Power would be the one to initiate majority of the cuddles, considering her personality.

But that doesn't stop her eyes from lighting up whenever you initiate it with her too.

Would flop her body onto yours if she's in the mood. You'll have to drag her onto the couch where she'll take her chance and pull you in with her, laughing loudly.

Little spoon

Yes, I strongly believe Power will be a little spoon. She would love to snuggle into your chest/neck as you scrape your fingers gently across her scalp. She will try to bite you, careful

But sometimes, when you're feeling really depressed because ofc being a public safety devil hunter is shit -

Power will try and cradle you in her arms, her hands patting your back, as she tries to calm you down in her own way, even if it wasn't the MOST comforting

"You can squeeze my tits y'know, I'll let you do it for free since it's you"

Power please this is really not the time

Kobeni

Please she needs it so bad

With all the shit she suffers at her workplace and her family

Fuck her parents

She's already tensed up from all the accumulated stress by just existing in her daily life, so make sure to treat her with care

Kobeni would never EVER ask, let alone initiate if she was feeling needy. Her anxiety rockets off the charts with the thought of you saying 'no', which is why you'll have to be the one to start the job

I strongly believe Kobeni's secretly touch starved. She'll only find that out once you actually initiate getting physically affectionate with her.

Take her into your arms after a long day, and rub soothing circles on her back as she goes on telling all things she went through. And yes, ofcourse she's the little spoon ✨

If you slowly trace your fingers across her cheek and praise her for her efforts, girl will C R Y

Majority of your cuddling time would just focus on comforting Kobeni on day-to-day horrors

Low-key loves it when you talk shit about her superior and colleagues

Especially loves it when you shit-talk about Power, even more after she wrecked her car

rip Kobeni's car 😔

The only time when Kobeni can fully relax is when during this time, her fingers lightly clutching your shirt she unconsciously nuzzles into you with how peaceful she's feeling

If you pepper her face with feathery kisses, she would even let out a smile or small fits of giggles just imagining it

Kobeni truly adores her cuddling time with you, sometimes it ends up giving her the boost of going forward at escaping when trapped in the most dire situations

"hic..noo no..I can't die here.. I promised y/n I'll b-be home before se-seven.."

She does make it tho

For @rainbowsixreader sorry it took a while , was a bit busy lol

I swear, these two deserve so much love I can't- 💕💕💕

✨Why I Think Bella Swan Is On The Autism Spectrum ✨

In this post I’m going to talk about why I personally believe that Bella Swan is autistic. As an autistic person myself, I really relate to Bella and I see a lot of autistic traits in her.

Disclaimer: This is just a headcanon- I don’t think Stephenie Meyer intentionally wrote Bella as autistic, and she or the movie producers never confirmed it, so I’m not saying to everyone that she is CONFIRMED to be autistic and that every one has to see her that way, I’m just saying that I personally think she is, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Autistic people hardly have any representation in the media, and with the representation that we do have, it is almost always stereotypical, inaccurate and offensive. You do not have to agree with me on this, but just please be respectful in the comments and don’t hate :)

Ok let’s go:

1. She always felt different from everyone/she felt like nobody truly understood her and that she never really understood anyone either: this is what basically all autistic people feel, myself included. Feeling like nobody understands the way your brain works and the way you see the world. (And this is true, because autistic people do see the world differently than non- autistic people and autistic peoples brains are wired differently from non- autistic brains). Bella mentions this multiple times in the books and movies, at one point in the first book in the car with Edward, she tells him that she thinks he can’t read her mind because they’re a probably a glitch in her brain and that it’s not like other people’s. There is also this quote from the 1st chapter of twilight which sums up how she feels: “ Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn’t just physically that I’d never fit in. And if I couldn’t find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here? I didn’t relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn’t relate well to people, period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page. Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain”.

2. Her motor skills: She’s constantly tripping over her own feet, has bad balance, doesn’t realize that she’s walking into things, constantly dropping things ect, a common thing for autistic people is to have poor motor skills and find it hard to navigate their body.

Another disclaimer about autism: not ever autistic person is the exact same, every autistic person expresses their autism in a slightly different way, for example, some autistic people are overly sensitive to sound, and some are under-sensitive to it, these are just the specific things I’ve noticed for Bella in this post, it’s not supposed to be a generalization of autism in any way! :)

3. Social disinterest and difficultly: all throughout her childhood and her time in forks, she wasn’t very interested in making friends or hanging out or going to parties, and she found that she could never make friends with someone easily, she just never fully clicked with someone. She did have some very nice friends in forks, however she never related to them too well or was very attached to them.

4. Dresses for comfort and not fashion: Bella typically dresses in what feels most comfortable for her, not what is the most fashionable thing, this is a common thing with autism. A lot of autistic people like myself are quite sensitive to clothing and fabric and will not tolerate uncomfortable clothing.

5. Limited interests/special interests: Bella doesn’t really have many interests, but the ones she does have, she’s very passionate about. A special interest is an autism-specific term used to describe interests and hobbies that autistic people have that are very important to them. They help regulate emotions, calm people down, provide escapism ect. Autistic people can hyper fixate on these interests for hours and hours and not get bored, they can get so engrossed that they forget to do basic tasks to take care of themselves like drinking or going to the bathroom. These interests can last for years, sometimes a lifetime and they are very important to autistics. Bella swans special interests would be reading, wuthering heights, and vampires. Bella says in midnight sun that she has loved reading all her life and it is one of the few things that bring her intense joy. She said she could read for hours at a time and would try to sneak books into her lessons and read any chance she could get. Bella says that her favorite book is wuthering heights and she has read it so many times that it is beaten up beyond repair and the spine is so cracked that the book lays flat. This would clearly be her special interest. Her other special interest is clearly vampires.

6. Burnouts and meltdowns when Edward leaves: when Edward left in new moon, Bella obviously fell into a huge depression, but I also think she fell into an autistic burnout (if you don’t know what that is pls research or ask me cause this post is already too goddamn long). And in eclipse, when Edward leaves to go home in the afternoon or to go hunting, she can barely focus without him and gets very anxious (this is obviously because she loves him and is literally obsessed with him lol, but I also think it could be a meltdown from separation anxiety and also a change in routine (a lot of autistics get very upset when their usual routine is disrupted or changed))

7. Sensitive to sounds: In the book, often Bella cannot concentrate or fall asleep because of little sounds like the rain, sometimes it takes ages for her to sleep because the rain or tapping is too distracting. (This is a common autistic struggle).

8. Stims & facial twitches & stuttering: in the movie, she is constantly stuttering over her words, and her face and body twitches a lot. She also stims a lot in the book by playing with her hair or sleeves or the zip of her jacket, or her hands or edwards hands. She also covers some of her face with her hair, this could be to do with sensory overload, seeing too much in her field of vision may be overwhelming for her, like a lot of autistics.

9. Trouble expressing feelings/ thoughts: bella struggles a lot sometimes with communication and telling people how she feels. You can see this in her relationship with Charlie. They both love eachother very much but they never say it and when they do it comes out very awkward and sometimes they use the wrong words. You can also see this when she is hesitant to tell Edward in eclipse when she doesn’t want him to leave for the fight, it takes her ages to work up to telling someone how she feels. She also tends to be quite private. This is common for some autistics to feel.

10. Sensory experiences: bella loves the sun and heat, she says that she loves feeling the sun seep into her skin- a lot of autistics feel the sensory world very strongly and love certain sensations and detest others. When Bella moves to forks, she hates the sudden change in weather and gets anxious and upset at the feel of the cold, and the rain against her skin. This links back to my other point where I was talking about how autistics fear sudden changes in routine. Bella is very relieved when there’s a sunny day in forks and goes and sits outside, savouring the weather which reminds her of home.

11. Not too concerned with how she looks: obviously not every autistic person is like this, but quite a few autistics don’t really focus on how they look/present and what they wear. They don’t really know about the social norms and what other people wear so they do what they want. This is something I often see in Bella in the books especially.

12. More quiet/ reserved and socially withdrawn and awkward: this is basically self explanatory. Bella is very well known for this. I touch a bit more on this in point 3.

If you made it this far then thank you so much! This took a long ass time to write and I’ve been thinking of making this post for months. There are more things that make me headcanon her as autistic, but these are just from the top of my head. When I re-read the series (for like the 100th time lol) later this year, I’ll annotate the book so that I can update this post in the future with more supporting this).

Again this is just my opinion and my personal headcanon, it is not factual (but I’d obviously want it to be canon) so please no hate :)

If you have any more things to add on then please do!! I’d love to hear your thoughts!

How to Comfort Them

Woop woop! A disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact! This is my interpretation of the cards!

Hell yeah. How do they receive comfort best when they need it? I took this specifically as them having a shitty day or week or something along those lines

Seokjin

Lol

Let him wallow

You comfort Seokjin by affirming his right to feel his feelings and let him deal with it on his own time

He can be a bit dramatic but its short lived

Why does this feel like a roast?

Its not I promise

Seokjin just needs to feel and let it go. He doesn't hold on the things for long but trying to force him to talk anything out is a big no thanks

I think being alone really comforts him most but if he's close to someone I think he'd be down to be alone together

He feels comfort by people staying by his side. He might be the type to have a really shitty day and just wants to sit on the couch and watch TV and not talk about it

When he does want to talk about it though, its best to give him honest advice even if it brutally honest

Jinnie has no time for bullshit and he doesn't want sugar coated shit. If he wants an opinion he'll ask for it and be very aware of what he's asking for.

Another way to comfort Jin is possibly distraction. Again its not an always answer but fun nonsense can help him shake off the blues for sure!

Maybe give him a blanket and and some jellies

I also think he'd really not like anyone seeing him cry?

I think if you stumbled upon a crying Jin that needs comfort the best thing you could do is ask if he needs anything and let him know that you're there?

Also maybe if this is like sad sad sad and he's crying in the bathroom or something it might be helpful to sit on the other side of the door and talk to him if he wants to? and get him water?

Idk I think jin can be pretty guarded especially like this so this would probably never happen

Its more likely that he'll flop down on his bed or couch and just hang out

Yoongi

Oki yoobi

Hold his fucking hand

I'm kidding (kinda)

For yoongi, I think he's similar to Jin in that he doesn't want to be told that everything is sunshine and rainbows and he also doesn't want to be treated like a child

For yoobi I think that he'd feel comforted by talking about what/why he feels like shit

Its like he wants to know that he isn't alone but he also doesn't like to seek out comfort bc he doesn't think he's worth it

He'd probably feel a lot of comfort laying in a dark room with calming repetitive sounds

Smack a pair of noise canceling headphones on him with nothing playing

I think that a great way to comfort yoongi if he was having a bad day is by softly showing support and letting him know that he's being thought of?

Things like letters and stuff are really good

I also think distracting him from bad habits that he used to comfort himself is a v good idea

You see him nomming down his nails to tiny nubs? Offer him something to hold (or slap his hand if you're feeling sassy)

But really though comfort for yoongi is something he'd want to be subtle and ever-present so he can access it when its needed most and he'd definitely want to seek out on his own.

I was thinking too, like if he had a panic attack or anxiety attack DO NOT TOUCH HIM I feel strongly about this. Let him seek out physical comfort and 1,000% ask if he wants to be touched

He just seems skittish in this way and I think that he'd respond a lot better if he gets to seek physical comfort out on his own

You hear that people that will meet Yoongi?

BUT if yoongi was really really close with his s.o I could see him searching and asking for cuddles. Two kinds. Smol curled up yoongi would want to be curled around (kinda like nigiri) if things are pretty bad and serious or him laying in between his s.os legs with his head on their stomach specifically so he can have his hair played with.

Hoseok

Show up for him

Remind him that he is loved and sweet and perfect

Definitely ignite his passions again

Take him dancing

Watch a movie that reminds him of a good memory

You'll have to kinda sus out what exactly is bothering him though

Maybe buy him something sweet like a teddy bear or dinner or take him somewhere

Just don't let him wallow. He needs time to process and stuff but getting him up and out of his funk is great!

Take him to an arcade or even just out for a long drive

I think hobi is the type to need stimulation in a thoughtful way so you'd have to assess the situation and see what's appropriate

Bc hobi might also just want to chill

I think he'd also be really big on physical comfort

Hugs

Cuddles

Sharing a bed

Massage even

Yes I'm gonna say it

(18+) he'd enjoy a nice frick frack or a boot knocking if you will

Maybe run him a nice bath and wine and dine him tbh

Namjoon

Comfort joonie by letting him know that he doesn't have to know everything or have a solution for it

I think kinda taking over his role of inspiring speech giver would help him bc he has so much wisdom and advice but can also have a blind spot when it comes to himself

Let him not be logical

Let him impulse buy 43 new plants all named after the kind of plant they are

I think a nice bear hug and some wise words will be comforting to him

Also the words "you're doing a great job, you got this" and "It's okay to feel this way. Let yourself feel what you feel"

Home boi wouldn't mind if, say, he had a shitty day and you bought him an orchid and named it Orca

Really though I think a gentle reminder that he is human and some basic grounding would really help.

I think too with a significant other I could 100% see him finding immense comfort in feeling the other persons heartbeat? Like if he was in bad shape and his s.o needed to calm him down they could just grab his hand and put it over their heart? Cute shit.

I think rubbing comforting circles on his back when in the proper situation.

Also forehead-pressing?

Jimin

Chim chim gets comfort by love in every form

By him a gift

Give him words of affirmation

Cuddles

Make him food so he doesn't have to

Just be there for him

Write him letters

Really though. Affection of any kind is often welcomed from him

He'd also feel especially comforted if he didn't have to do anything? Like if you could take away responsibility from him for a little that would be awesome

Jimin is a very love/affection forward guy and I think that he'd really really really enjoy a nice top of the head smooch

Sometimes he'd just want to be hugged while he cries

Or sometimes he needs genuine advice and help working through what bothers him

Jimin is a mixed bag and I think its situational but he'd definitely be down for a good ole hug

Maybe too if you suggest things to him. Maybe advice or maybe ways to cheer him up!

Taehyung

This is also very much how Tae comforts army

Cheer him on

Let him know that you love him and that even if things are shit that you're there for him

He'd respond very well to comforting actions and words

I think he needs to cry and feel and do what he does but he feels most comforted when he's reminded that he means something to someone

Positivity and passion go a long way for comforting him

I think if you can also remind him of something that he's done for you, something positive that he's done in you're life that might help him feel a little better

If you can relate to him without making it about you

I think also recognizing his good qualities when he can't

Definitely put him in the sunshine

Give him a nice bevy and sit him in the sunshine

Playing a card game or a board game? Idk why

take him to get waffles at 2am or something new and out of the ordinary

Mostly though snuggles and hugs do the trick.

He's a very feely human and I think having something solid is helpful

ESPECIALLY for his s.o

if Taes future/current s.o is reading... you probably get held a lot. For a long time. Homie is like a little cephalopod

I think he'd also enjoy a nice comfort nap

Jungkook

Oki oki oki

Love him

But not too much

When he's down he tends to have clouded vision

Its like he can't see infront of him and can't see anything that he's done and he feels like he's never accomplished anything ever

He feels loss of control

That's no good

A good way to help that is to help him find clarity

Help him to see the light at the end of the tunnel

He also probably has nighmares/can't sleep when things get really bad so either something like buying him a new sleepy tea or being there for him when he can't sleep

Help sooth his anxiety

He needs that

I definitely think he gets frustrated with himself easily and if you can help him not take it out on himself or turn it inwards then that's really good

He'd benefit from a movie night and a fort

He'd probably be the type to benefit from a talk about what's bothering him but only sitting side by side so you aren't looking into his eyes

Maybe even like on the swings at a park or something

I just think opening up for him is hard so meeting him where he's comfortable is good

That could be texting back and forth even if you're in the same room or on the swings or over street food

I think he'd like it if he had a weighted blanket

Quiet comfort is good for him so he has something grounding him

Maybe if things are not great take him to a rage room or to go kick boxing.

Some semi productive way to channel his energy

Drive him out of the city to go scream into the æther

Idk but being with him while giving him space is good

I think with a s.o he'd maybe seek physical comfort but idk

Maybe

I’m sending you an analysis ask!! My ask is… Dave! What I always wonder about dave is how he became such a fan favorite among the young fanbase all those years ago. I feel like my original reading of Dave has been heavily influenced by the fandom activity surrounding him at the time (he was the 2012 hs fandom’s #1 sadboy). As a relative latecomer to the fandom, what were your reactions to Dave? And how do you feel today’s fans view him?

OH BOY DAVE!!!

yeah i remember he was a big fan favorite, because this was one of the things you knew if you just EXISTED in tumblr around 2012, even if you knew nothing about homestuck you jsut saw a billion fanarts of that one kid with the sunglasses. but really, "relatively latecomer" relative nothing, i am a brand new baby fan latest of latecomers and i will happily give you my Dave Experience

i can't speak for how other modern fans view him, but for me personally, honestly i have to say i think i really didn't Get Him until late act6; which isn't to say he wasn't an interesting character before then, but that almost everything interesting about him went over my head on the first read.

i think my issue was partly that i was taking his facade mostly at face value and that i didn't really get WHERE his angst was coming from in the ocassions it popped up. like.. it's not that i bought into the idea that he's this cool ironic guy who doesnt afraid of anything, but i guess mostly his typing style and sense of humor were a bit too true-to-life for what the kind of person who thinks "ironic enjoyment of shitty things, too cool to actually care about anything, troll the shit out of anyone who engages with you honestly" is peak comedy actually speaks like, which made him kind of an unpleasant presence to me at the beginning; knowing he was definitely using that irony to cover up something didn't really help, because that's just universally true of basically everyone who's Like That, and that doesnt make them any less insufferable

the thing about dave strider is that he actually keeps up the disaffected cool kid act for a looooong time, and with so much going on and so many characters and stories to think about, i never spared him as much thought as i could have... until act6 happened, and dave was revealed to be a massive dork, and that SERIOUSLY changed my understanding of him as a character. like it's really hilarious how much his early arc persona totally falls apart when you take away the comfort of text-based communication. the addition of body language and the loss of the fractions of a second to formulate answers REALLY change his dialogue and how he reads as a character in ways that are subtle but were kind of shocking to me when i was reading it

like, for example i never had the patience for his long random tangents in chatlogs because i got the feeling he was doing them because he was just that sure that whatever he was on was THAT witty and funny, or alternatively, NOT that witty or funny, which is why he went on those tangents to be ~ironic~ or whatever, and tbh i have adhd and not enough patience to sit and read his diatribes

eeexcept, late comic dave recontextualizes the HELL out of this by revealing that no, HE KINDA REALLY DOES JUST GO ON TANGENTS FOR NO REASON 100% GENUINELY AND ITS NOT A CALCULATED PSEUDO-IRONIC THING AT ALL which makes his lenghty rambling read VERY differently

that sort of stuff. like, i was fully prepared for the irony to be a cover for someone who does genuinely care about things- but i was NOT prepared for the CONCEPT OF IRONY ITSELF to be basically the only thing about his demeanor that wasn't mostly genuine, whether dave himself realized it or not. dave has been a riot on rereads, hes like a totally different character with hindsight

on the topic of Dave Angst in specific, i have to admit- the whole thing is actually VERY subdued before late act6 unless you're actually looking for it and paying attention to dave as a character; and while i imagine this was a given for many readers at the time, who already liked him as a character and were reading and thinking about each update as it came out, to me as someone blitzing through the comic at a stage where things were starting to get complex, i COMPLETELY missed major moments that inform his problems, philosophy, worldview, fears, and general arc

because of this, a lot of the major moments where dave is actually OBVIOUSLY distressed or upset, left me mostly asking "hold on, what??? where did this come from, what is this about?????". to be fair, even back then i was pretty sure that there WAS something there that must have been set up earlier and i just missed it, but it was still kind of a confusing read. some specific examples: dave getting upset at terezi after the coinflip godtier timeline splitting debacle, his whole disjointed speech about the reluctant hero thing in the first meenah walkaround, his entire conversation with grimbark jade where he just states he's not time traveling again. those moments totally blindsided me on my first read

another moment that completely blindsided me, but which i actually Got on the first read regardless, was the long-awaited striderchat. i did not AT ALL expect the direction that went, but it did a fantastic job at recontextualizing what i had initially just accepted without question as a comically exaggerated videogamey home situation (not that much of a stretch when the final member of the party was raised by a dog in the middle of nowhere), into a traumatic enviroment that informs a lot of WHY dave is the way he is and why he used to think and approach the world the way that he did

other than that, theres a lot of Dave Angst i am still only just untangling on the reread because his anxieties sometimes stem from really esoteric ideas that i couldn't wrap my head around when i was busy trying to keep track of the billion plot threads of act5 which i was reading as fast as possible lol. but like, just earlier today i had the realization that dave's fear of death manifests MUCH more strongly in fear over being responsible over alt versions of him dying, than it does when his actual life is being directly threathened. dave would be susceptible to dumb thought experiments along the line of pascal's mugging, is what i'm saying, much more so than he would be to getting actually mugged.

tldr dave is an interesting character and i like him very much now, but boy did i not Get Him until recently

The Book Fortress Tumbles

BTS One shot

Pairing: Boyfriend!Taehyung x reader

Word count: 3,643 words

Warnings: Smut, strong language, sir!kink, dom!tae, teeny tiny bit of angst

Summary: Your exams are starting soon and you’re beyond stressed. You’re trying not to let that show but it all comes bursting out when your boyfriend Taehyung tries to get you to relax. When you realise your mistake, the only thing you can do, is apologise to him. Just not with words.

A/N: My college just announced that our exams will be held starting from 18th September. That’s too less time to mug up the entirety of the semester syllabus. Sigh. This one shot is reflecting my current situation (minus a Taehyung and dedication towards exams). I accidentally posted this when it was half finished lol, I panicked all the time I was taking it down xD.

Disclaimer: This story is an AU fanfiction that I have created using the names of the members of BTS. I do not claim any ownership over the members of BTS. The plot and the personalities of the characters are entirely my own.

Do not plagiarize my work and do not repost.

 *

Moodboard

*I do not claim ownership over any of the pictures. They are credited to their original owners.

“Y/N~” Taehyung sang, skipping up to the study table, a pile of books hiding the person behind from view.

A faint “yes” was whispered softly from behind the walls of what seemed like a book fortress. Taehyung knew that the queen in this fort had probably not even looked up from her current preoccupation.

But somehow, as the “boyfriend”, he had a few special privileges. Somehow he could pull her to cuddle with him when  she had an exam the day next, somehow he could wake her up in the middle of the night and still get her to cook for him, somehow he could steal her ice cream after having his and get her to find him rather cute.

Okay, maybe the last two aren’t true. Those are the things I’d do for her. He thought. Either way, whatever the consequences might be, he felt deprived, almost jealous of bound pages and thick covers.

She had told him a month before, on a day that Taehyung now marked as a blue day in his life, that her exams were coming up and that she’d have to focus on her studies. That she’d have to give her attention to her text books instead of her handsome boyfriend. And the second her exams would be done, they could do whatever he pleased.

Oh, the many many things Taehyung had in mind for everything that pleased him. On top of the list was her name in bold, underlined, Y/N. Y/N had been scanning her books so intently throughout this whole month, it seemed as though she was studying the instructions to defuse a bomb that was seconds from exploding. He hardly saw her around the house, only between the times she came outside to refill her snack jar or water bottle or for her meals. It got to the point where she hadn’t even realised that Taehyung had shifted to her apartment and had been staying with her throughout.

It was funny because they’d share the same bed and wake up inside a warm blanket burrito. Even if she had realised, she hadn’t said a word and Taehyung was more than happy with that. Staying back at his place while she was like this was close to being on an entirely different planet with no forms of communication.

He had picked up a lot of hobbies to distract himself, he played more video games, ate a lot of food, tried cooking (which surprisingly went okay), cleaned her house to make sure she was always comfortable and sometimes worked overtime because everything else was simply boring. But at times when she hadn’t noticed he’d pursue another wonderful hobby. Since Y/N wasn’t really bothered about what Taehyung was up to, he unashamedly spent his time staring at her. She wasn’t even dressed to impress these days, putting on the first thing she reached in her cupboard before sitting down to study.

But she loved being comfortable. And Taehyung noticed how she’d always pick the shortest shorts she had, ones that barely covered the globe of her ass. He would’ve loved those clothes on her every damn day, only if he wasn’t restricted to staying a mile away so she could ‘focus’ and almost suffering from blue balls.

“Y/N~” he whined yet again, choosing to cross over to other side of the fort and poking the bookworm. His plan for the night was to at least get some attention. He had been deprived of it for more than a month, it had reached the point where he would be in an existential crisis from lack of affection.

He would respect all her restrictions, he was being so good at keeping his carnal desires at bay (even if his hand was no match), he hadn’t complained when she finished her food early and left him alone to eat his portion, and definitely didn’t bother her for falling asleep on top of her books. He somehow felt proud of being that boyfriend, the one who’d bring her meals and would carry her back to bed when she’d fallen asleep.

But he just hoped that this, whatever it was, probably a test from the gods, would soon come to an end. And that Y/N would then jump onto his lap and kiss the living daylights out of him to tell him that he passed with flying colours.

All he wanted was a little bit of cuddling that night. The exams were still a week away and she could spare that much for him, couldn’t she?

He poked her again. One last time. And when that earned him nothing more but hummed ‘yes’, he knew it had come down to war. He extended his hands to her waist, caressing the soft flesh before taking on a different turn.

“Taehyungie! Stop!” Y/N hollered, jerking so suddenly that the central defense of her fort broke and tumbled to the ground in all the glory of crumpled and dog eared pages.

All that didn’t bother Taehyung as he tickled her sides, not caring about the curses leaving her mouth at that instant. If he paid any attention, then it would definitely turn him hard.

He picked her up effortlessly, carrying her over to the bed and placing her down. He climbed on top of her slowly, licking his lips as his face leveled with hers.

“Let’s just cuddle for tonight Y/N. You’ve been overworking yourself and it’s okay to take some time off to relieve stress. Relax for today, okay?” Taehyung muttered soothingly, rubbing her arms to warm her skin.

“Or maybe we can do something else to relieve your stress?” He chuckled trying to lighten the passive expression on Y/N’s face but it only made it more poignant. Before he could say anything else, the anxiety all came onto Y/N at once, making her snap.

“Taehyung stop! This is not a joke. My entire career depends on these exams and you’re treating it like a joke! Stop it!” Y/N exclaimed and Taehyung went still. 

He knew she didn’t mean that and she knew that her career was as important to Taehyung as it was to her. He was looking out for her simply. She knew this too.

Sighing, Taehyung slid off her and stood next to the bed.

“Your career is important Y/N, I know that. It is to me too. But you’re taking too much pressure. You need a stress buster once in a while. Maybe this was not the best way and I’m sorry about that but maybe we can watch a movie tonight or-” Taehyung kept thinking of more things but Y/N cut him off.

“No. I am not under pressure. I do not need a stress buster. All I need to do is study and revise like I was already doing.” Y/N said as she looked at Taehyung pointedly, before sliding off the bed and sitting down at her desk.

“Alright. Let me know if you need anything.” Taehyung gulped. When she didn’t respond, he sighed and left the room as quietly as he could.

Y/N felt bad. When Taehyung had jumped onto her, all her focus flew out of her mind and she finally realised why she had been fidgety all week. Even when Taehyung had offered it to her on a silver platter, she’d refused like a total idiot and was now facing the consequences. From the corner of her eyes, she watched Taehyung through the slightly open door of her room. She could see him laying on the couch, his long legs spread out before him invitingly, his tongue sticking out and jaw flexing as he concentrated on playing the game.

As her eyes slid down, she focused on his hands, his long fingers working the joystick easily, the veins on his arms straining against his skin. Oh, she knew very well what all she wanted him to work with those fingers. The thought made her close her eyes and bite her lip, and she mindlessly clenched her thighs together.

She considered walking up to him right then, but the thought of coming back to him after she’d sent him away so strongly seemed too embarrassing. If that were to happen, Taehyung would never let go of the incident and would tease her about it forever.

In a desperate attempt to calm herself, she turned back to her books, revising topics again and again but still feeling as though she was reading them for the first time ever.  Her eyes slid over to her water bottle as she recited the words she’d just read to herself again.

Tae’s thicker than that. She thought looking over the bottle and imagining a different view in front of her.

“What are you doing, you idiot?” she whispered, realising that her hands were now around the bottle, and she was fisting it with a well known need. Sighing she stood up, knowing she had no choice.

She slipped out of her room, trying not to close the door too hard. Walking straight to her boyfriend, she stood in front of the TV, blocking his view while facing him.

Taehyung looked up at her in confusion, and frowned when the sound of his avatar dying echoed behind her. But as soon as Y/N slid to her knees before him, his lips twisted into a smirk. In a second he threw the joystick in his hand to the side and leaned back into the couch making himself comfortable and pushing his legs closer towards her.

When Y/N bit her lip and stared at him hungrily, he raised an eyebrow.

You just gonna sit there or do something? I’m waiting.

It was so easy to understand everything about him after they’d been together for so long and she didn’t want to disappoint him now. Quickly, her hands unbuttoned his skin tight jeans and unzipped them, while Taehyung simply snuggled deeper into the couch as though waiting for a show about to go down.

Well, something was going down alright. That thing being Y/N.

She struggled to pull off the jeans, huffing every time her strength wasn’t enough, and Taehyung made no effort to help her out. Normally, Taehyung would be praising her throughout, but at the moment her only reward was the delicious view of his thick thighs.

Without wasting a second, Y/N pulled his boxer briefs down to his knees, then to his ankles and her face narrowly missed getting hit by his cock. After more than a month of sexual frustration, her mouth drooled as she laid eyes on his thick, huge cock, veins straining against the length as it stood hard and proud. She was a fool, comparing a stupid water bottle to the masterpiece in front of her.

He was already hard, and Y/N thought he must have been for quite some time through the evening. She’d done that. And she must be the one to fix it.

“Go on darling, suck me off.” Taehyung murmured bringing his fingers to her chin for a moment, tilting her face up and then letting go.

“Yes, sir.” Y/N whispered before taking him into her mouth fully, too hasty and needy to tease him at that point. She flattened her tongue against the smooth skin of his cock, lathering it with her saliva and tasting the salty tang of his precum. As her mouth grew full, she took him as far as she could go, stopping before her gag reflex could hit her and then looking up at Taehyung.

“Fuck. You’re going to kill me with those eyes.” Taehyung grunted, biting his lip harshly and never taking his eyes off Y/N. The sight of her kneeling before him, her mouth full of his cock and her pretty eyes looking at him so innocently - it was too much. His hand raised above his head, gripping the top edge of the couch for support as his jaw slacked and eyes closed.

As he prepared to relax, his eyes snapped open when Y/N picked up speed suddenly and sucked him faster, bobbing her head up and down his length, using her hands to jerk him where she couldn’t take him into her mouth. His eyes threatened to close as hot pleasure shot through him, but he managed to keep them open and fixed them onto Y/N’s eyes. While she sucked him off, he could see the way her hands slid down her body, no doubt seeking for her own pleasure.

But Taehyung was having none of that.

“The only place your hands are allowed to be are on my cock. Understood babygirl?” He glared, and he was surprised that he managed to keep the tremble out of his voice.

Y/N let out something between a whine and a hum, making Taehyung’s eyes roll back into his head. Nevertheless, he felt her figure move and he knew she’d obeyed him.

Straining his eyes to open, he saw her holding her hands behind her back and sucking his cock like her life depended on it. He shifted his hand from his side to her hair, gripping the roots above her neck and momentarily pulling her off of his throbbing member.

“Use your words girl.” He growled, clutching onto her hair tighter and bringing her closer so the head of his cock touched her lips. Y/N let out a soft sigh at the pain, enjoying it more than she should.

“Yes, sir.” she gulped, and immediately Taehyung pushed her back onto him, using the grip on her hair to guide her downward till her nose brushed his skin. Y/N gagged and swallowed, and the sensation made Taehyung’s thighs clench in pleasure.

Y/N didn’t miss that, she kept swallowing and moaning, the soft vibrations of her mouth against his cock, making him climb higher and higher to the edge of his release. And when Taehyung felt her soft hands shift from behind her to massage his balls, his hips jerked and he knew he was close. With three long thrusts into her pretty mouth, Taehyung came with a loud grunt, shooting strings of white hot cum into Y/N’s mouth which she swallowed hungrily.

Taehyung laid there for a few minutes, taking deep breaths to normalise his thundering heart. He peeked open an eye to look at Y/N and groaned when he saw her sitting on her knees with her hands on her lap. So obedient.

He leaned forward and held her chin with his hands, tilting up her face and bringing it close to his. His cum glistened on her lips and the thin layer of sweat on her forehead made it look like her skin was glowing.

“That was a very nice apology, babygirl.” He cooed, pecking Y/N’s lips softly. With his thumb, he scooped up a drop of his cum that had dripped onto her chin and pushed it into her mouth, immediately feeling her tongue swirl around his finger.

“And that is forgiveness.” He muttered, cupping her neck and pressing his lips to hers, swiping his tongue against the soft flesh and tasting himself. For Taehyung, it had all been a plan to get attention, and he got more than he had asked for, but if Y/N couldn’t get her release then there was no point.

Y/N felt Taehyung’s hands slowly slide down her skin, coming to rest at her hips where he held her tight. As she deepened the kiss and pushed her tongue into his mouth, he pulled her up and placed her onto his thighs, his cock slipping against the thin material of her shorts.

Her mouth tipped open against his, and she pressed herself onto him, grinding up and down while Taehyung nipped at her skin. When Taehyung cupped her between her thighs she let out a strangled gasp. The sound had woken something primal in Taehyung and he growled against her skin, biting down on the skin above her breast.

It had been so long since they’d done anything together, so long since Y/N had touched herself, that she knew she wouldn’t be able to last long. Taehyung would get his hands on her clit and she’d fall apart and that’s exactly what she needed. More than she had imagined.

Stripping off their clothes was a hasty blur, their mouths never leaving each other’s skin, kissing, nipping, biting, licking and sucking. Taehyung’s hands slid down to Y/N’s now bare heat, groaning at how slick and wet Y/N was.

“You didn’t want to say no to me, did you babygirl? Look at how wet you are.” He murmured, pressing and circling his thumb on her clit making her whimper. She whimpered helplessly when he pushed one long finger into her making her cling to him for support. When his finger curled inside her, she felt a familiar knot of pleasure and she blushed, embarrassed that she was going to come as fast as the time she’d lost her virginity. Too damn fast. She hid her face in the crook of Taehyung’s shoulder, biting down on the tanned skin as his fingers pushed her towards the edge relentlessly.

As Taehyung continued finger fucking her, his mouth was occupied with her breasts, sucking them and littering the skin with deep purple marks.

“Cum for me, Y/N. Cum on my fingers. Fuck.” He rasped, his teeth pulling at her pebbled nipple and Y/N came all over his fingers, letting out a loud cry and clutching tighter onto his shoulders.

Y/N relaxed against Taehyung’s shoulders, sucking deep breaths to compensate for all the breath Taehyung had knocked out of her with his talented fingers. Taehyung kept his eyes on her heat, pulling his fingers out of her and dragging his tongue over them with a loud a moan.

“So sweet. I missed this.” Taehyung said softly, his eyes closing to savour her taste on his tongue, licking his fingers in a manner to leave no drop untasted.

Just when Y/N had opened her mouth to speak, she jolted in surprise when Taehyung’s cock slid into her, stretching her walls as he reached all the way till he bottomed out. His eyes slowly turned to her, hooded with lust and a glint in his eye that she knew all too well.

This is payback for surprising me earlier.

“Fuck, you’re so tight. You’re squeezing me.” Taehyung groaned, and Y/N’s eyes fluttered shut. She couldn’t comprehend words at that moment, her tongue tied with being sensitive and the way Taehyung was rocking his hips into hers.

“You’re still on birth control right?” Taheyung asked through gritted teeth, struggling to pause his movements before his mind spiraled out of control.

“Yes, just please, Tae-” Y/N whined, unable to finish her sentence as Taehyung pulled out and thrust into her. Sitting flush on his lap, Y/N could feel the length of his cock reach into her deeper than ever. With the little energy she had, she raised her hips and pushed herself back onto him at the exact moment that Taehyung thrust upwards.

“Tae!” she moaned, biting her lip so hard she drew blood, a hand coming up to squeeze her breast as the other clutched onto Taehyung’s thigh to make sure she wouldn’t fall off. Taehyung didn’t give her a second to breathe, setting a rhythm, driving deeper and harder into her each time. She knew it was all the built up tension over a month of inactivity and she wasn’t complaining even when her body shook with over stimulation.

Y/N eventually leaned into him, letting him guide her the way he wanted and she loved it. Gripping the soft flesh of her ass he made her ride him, driving her up and down on his cock and getting high on the sounds of their skins slapping together and the way Y/N’s tits bounced right in front of his face.

Despite her usual vocal self, Y/N felt her voice disappear, every word she tried to form dispersing into mewls and whimpers.

Touch me there. She tried to tell him, a moan and a curse leaving her mouth instead, making her frustrated with the building tension. She moved her hand in search of Taehyung’s, sighing almost immediately when his fingers were on her on her clit, rubbing and pinching the bundle of nerves.

Y/N’s orgasm crashed through her with high pitched moan, shattering any coherent sense left in her and numbing her senses where the only thing she felt was the hot seed that Taehyung had shot inside her, his groans muffled by the heavy daze of her mind. It was too much to handle.

“We’re out of practise.” She managed to whisper finally, her voice hoarse and tired. Taehyung chuckled at that, watching Y/N’s chest heave with every breath and syncing it to his own breathing. His thumb rubbed soothing circles onto her skin and he pressed a chaste kiss on her bare shoulder.

“Let’s get you cleaned up baby.” Taehyung murmured, softly carding his hands through Y/N’s hair. All the exhaustion she had been feeling caught up to her, what with the tension of qualifying her exams, of meeting everyone’s expectations and the intense overwhelming pleasure she had just experienced.

Her lids dropped slowly, the only thing keeping her awake being the soft brush of cloth against her skin which she assumed was Taehyung cleaning her up. When her back hit the soft mattress and Taehyung’s warmth pressed against her skin, she could barely keep herself from crashing into sleep.

“Sleep Y/N.” Taehyung whispered against her hair, kissing her temple softly and pulling her to him. “Stop making me worry all the time. And don’t you worry either. You’ll do great. And you’ll make us all proud.” He finished, pressing more kisses against her hair and pulling her closer into his chest.

“I love you.”

With those words of reassurance, Y/N smiled just before she drifted off to sleep.

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hi! i wanted to say i love reading your reflections on teaching, and in general i really look up to/am inspired by your thoughts regarding education and academia. if it's not too much to ask (completely understandable if it is, in that case please disregard!) i would love to get your advice on college related things?

i had pretty significant academic struggles throughout grade school, and ended up dropping out of college after a year. i would've graduated this may, so lately i've been considering going back and finishing my bachelor's. but i've been waffling on this decision because of 1) anxiety about having to drop out again, and 2) some confusion about what i actually want to study. i guess i'm wondering, is it worth it to start from scratch? my struggles were mostly about mental health stuff & difficulty keeping up with coursework—i loved being in the classroom, working with professors, learning from other students. i like being challenged intellectually, but if i have issues with followthrough, is there a way to work on that??? i know these are Big Questions, lol--whether they are answerable or not, cheers and thank you and i hope you are doing well these days. <3

hey! happy to give my thoughts, for what they're worth. you know your situation better than i do so the specifics may or may not be relevant, but i can give some advice just based on seeing lots of students pass through four-year programs!

i've worked with a number of students who took time away from college and came back to finish later. i took a year off myself in the middle of college for mental health reasons, though my school allowed you to take a two-semester leave of absence for any reason (so i always had the safety net of knowing i could come back without having to reapply or start over). in my experience, time away is almost always a good thing. sometimes people just really need that break from the stressors of the college environment! but more importantly, i think people benefit from having a few years' experience living and working in the world.

even though it can be intimidating to come back to college as an older student, i think older students or nontraditional students who took time off and came back tend to underestimate how much more confident and assured in themselves they'll be once they're back in the classroom. working out in the world for a while, even if it's not a job that you especially love or feel is relevant to your long-term goals, tends to help you build more trust in your own ability to get stuff done, manage responsibilities, and be an adult person in the world. in your time away, you've probably grown more than you think, and you may find that some of the things you struggled with at 18 just don't feel as daunting anymore. or they might feel daunting, but you also have more experience talking and working with other people, and you may feel more confident in seeking out & using your college's various academic success resources.

have you considered a two-year college as a possible next step? one of my advisees this year was an adult student who went to college for a year, dropped out, served in the military for four years, came back to do an associate's degree, and decided he liked school enough that he wanted to transfer to our university and finish his degree. (now he's going on to do a phd next fall!!!!) he's one of the most passionate advocates for community colleges i've ever met, and he's stayed actively involved in our local CC community & now mentors recent transfer students at our university. he's talked at length about how CCs are this amazing way for students to explore their interests without having to take on the huge price tag of a four-year degree, within a learning community that's much warmer, more responsive to student needs, and more accepting of the diverse paths that lead people to & through higher education. i wonder if you might consider taking a semester or a year of courses at your local CC, to dip your toes back in and see if you're still feeling energized by the experience.

you might find that some of the courses aren't intellectually challenging enough, but this might also be a wonderful opportunity to create the kind of learning experience you want to have. i was a full-time community college student for a year during my year away from yale, and while i'm sure i was just INSUFFERABLE in many ways, i had a prof in my Western Civ course who was really generous with his time/energy and met with me outside of class to help me figure out how to make the papers into something that i found really exciting and challenging to write. so the class kind of became what i made of it, and i got to read some stuff (dostoevsky!!!) that sent me down all kinds of interesting unexpected rabbitholes. the former CC grad i mentioned above was an extraordinarily bright student who would always go to office hours and ask his profs for more recommended readings, and he ended up becoming a TA for one of his courses and helped them redesign basically their entire intro humanities curriculum as a student advisor. so your CC experience can absolutely be what you make of it. and even if your profs can't give you that kind of support, you could practice doing it for yourself, setting little challenges for yourself either focused on the intellectual aspects ('I'm going to read and cite two scholarly sources in this paper, even though it's not required') or on developing strategies for effectively managing the workload ('I'm going to schedule a writing center appointment on Thurs, so I have to finish this paper two days before the deadline—and then I can devote my weekend study time to practicing for my Spanish test').

CC would be a slightly lower stakes environment for you to try out college again— lower-stakes both in the sense that it's cheaper (so if you decide you don't want to continue, you're not out as much money / don't feel compelled to go on to justify the debt you've taken on) and in the sense that the workload might be more manageable for you as you readjust to academic life and build systems & structures that work for you. as you probably have gathered from this blog, i am a HUGE believer in doing lower-stakes things many times over to build your own confidence and your trust in yourself, and then gradually scaling up the difficulty. by the time you reach the hard thing, you've already built up this strong image of yourself as a person who can handle challenges (and you've also had the chance to identify areas where you struggle & experiment with developing workable solutions).

if a two-year college isn't something you're especially interested in, i think it's definitely possible to start a four-year degree again. if that's the path you choose, i would strongly recommend reaching out to students in some of the degree programs you're tentatively interested in. people are almost always happy to share their ~wisdom~ (see: this ask response, lol) and most people love being asked for their thoughts on the pros and cons of something they know well. so you could get an honest sense from students of what the program is like, what the workload is like, and how useful or engaging people find the required courses for the degree. but also know that it's pretty normal to take courses all over in your first year or two (you have the advantage of having done a freshman year before, so you probably know this!), so you might just want to plan to try out a bunch of different things, with the goal of narrowing your focus by the end of your first year, or midway through your second.

i would also HIGHLY recommend spending lots of time familiarizing yourself with the resources your university has to offer. learn everything you can about the kind of mental health counseling and support they offer to students, and see if there are things you can set up in advance for yourself before you even step foot on campus. for instance, our university offers individual counseling, but they also have free groups that meet every week or two around different topics (coping with stress, students in recovery, etc) that are led by a counselor. check out your university's writing center or peer tutoring centers, too, and set up a standing appointment once a month or once a week or whatever, to bring in something you're working on—so that you know that every week, you're going to talk with someone about what's going well and what you're struggling with in your assignments.

you might also want to look into your university's services for students with disabilities office, as they can help you figure out if you are eligible for various kinds of accommodations or additional support (extra time on exams, notetaking services, recorded lectures, etc). i know you mentioned that you've dealt with academic struggles in grade school, too. if you think it's possible that there may be underlying learning differences that are affecting your academic work, it might be worth seeing if they can help you find lower-cost testing, so you can get a diagnosis that qualifies you for additional accommodations and university support.

many schools, esp large public universities, also have resource centers and mentoring programs for students from specific demographics who may benefit from additional structure and support in their early years of college. my university has a variety of resource centers and programs for students from low-income backgrounds, first-gen students, students who transferred from community college, etc. you don't have to take advantage of ALL of these resources, but proactively establishing a support network long before you need it is a really good way to set yourself up for success. and even just doing the research will probably help you feel more confident in your capacity to 'follow through', since you'll know that you're going into this with your eyes wide open AND with a detailed plan for what to do if you run into some of the same obstacles you encountered the first time around.

speaking of detailed plans: i find it helpful sometimes to do IF-THEN exercises with students when they're stressed about something on the horizon or unsure about whether they can handle some new challenge. IF-THEN is just what it sounds like: 'IF this thing I'm nervous about happens, THEN I'm going to do X, Y, or Z.' what i like about this exercise (i use it with myself too aha) is that it acknowledges that sometimes the thing you're dreading DOES happen. sometimes the professor you emailed for an extension says no. sometimes the TA doesn't understand why you're confused about the assignment. sometimes you don't have time to finish the reading before class. sometimes you overschedule yourself and you have to pull an all-nighter to finish two papers on the same night. scary things, confidence-shaking things, happen all the time, but they are rarely fatal! and there can be something really powerful about acknowledging and naming the thing you're concerned about, and then generating a few next steps you could take, should the thing you're dreading come to pass. i could see you doing something like this as you start thinking about the things that tripped you up last time, or made it difficult for you to balance the workload. if X happens, then what could you try next? giving yourself a few options means that you already have backup plans, too, which can make the whole situation less terrifying. if this happens, i might have to try this, or this, or this, and those things might not be the most fun or the easiest to do or the 'best' thing academically, but they'll get me through this difficult moment mostly in one piece, and once i'm through it i can look back on it and learn from it, or adjust the structures i've built for myself moving forward, to reduce the chance that X happens again.

PHEW!!! sorry this got so long but that is just the RISK YOU TAKE when sending me anons 😅 i hope that some of this is helpful to you, or at least sparks some useful thinking for you, even if it's not all directly applicable to your situation. i would say that if you love learning and find being in the classroom exhilarating, then you should absolutely go back to college! but that doesn't mean you have to go back right away, or that you have to go back and do it exactly the same way you did the first time. there are lots of possible paths to higher ed, and there's no particular rush—college will always be there, if it's something you decide you want now or at some future point in your life. i would also just reiterate again one of the core Themes of This Blog, which is that the brain is NEUROPLASTIC, and that humans have a truly astounding amazing capacity to change, grow, and learn new things (including new ways of getting around old obstacles or working through old challenges). just because you struggled the first time doesn't mean you are doomed to repeat that pattern. if you can spend some time thoughtfully reflecting on what you found most difficult to manage the first time through, you are better equipped to make plans, design new structures for yourself, and build the support networks that will help you thrive in college.

Pick-a-Pile: Who’s crushing on you?

I thought we’d have a little bit of fun today and see who has a crush on you (and why not? You’re fabulous!) So, pick one of the Lovers cards from my decks. Remember, this is a general reading so it may be that the piles don’t resonate with you. Also, it could be that more than one pile resonates.

Pile 1: 

Cards:  4 of pentacles, page of wands reversed, ace of wands reversed, 10 of pentacles, 8 of wands, 10 of cups, six of swords reversed, whip, mouse, bear, berkana, wunjo "I tend to focus on the past and not the now." - Curveballs by the Wombats 

"I think about you way more than anything else." - Quiet Light by The National 

Pile 1, I'm not really sure if your person seems to know what they want for themselves, so if you have an idea of who this is and you may return their feelings, I don't think things will work out well. That's at least for now. This could change in the future. I also feel bad, because not a lot came out about this person. I feel like looking at what did come out, this became clearer, but I feel bad since I had so much to say about pile two. Though, that one was a little similar, so if you were choosing between both piles, then maybe check it out. It was only a little similar. Firstly, this is a person who has a lot of anxiety and can be prone to being stressed easily. They could be a boss of some type. Though, its funny because I do read the bear card as that, but I also see that they may have issues with rules. They may clash with authority figures. Though, if you think about it, working their way up to being a boss may be the best way to overcome this so that they don't have anyone telling them what to do. I see that financially they're stable, I can't tell you if they're rich or not, but I can tell you that they're doing okay with themselves. They are a hard worker, even if they get stressed easily. And despite these stresses, they do see the bright side of things, and I think they have the possibility of becoming really successful (with whatever that means for them). I think they can sometimes be a perfectionist, though I also see them as someone who has trouble focusing. So it may be that they start something, put their all into it, but then something else catches their eye. Now, here's where it gets a little iffy. First off, they're holding their feelings in for you (which I guess is the point of this whole reading), but I believe its to the point where they're guarding their heart closely. I think they've recently gone through some change that brought on a new beginning, though I'm not seeing if this is something painful or not, just that they're at a point in their life where they're beginning something. I also can't tell you what kind of change this is, just that they went through a big enough change that it showed up in the reading. Now, for some of you, I see this as someone who's already in a relationship, in which case I'd steer clear of them if they do decide to stop guarding their heart and feelings. This is probably just for a few of you, but I do see this. For all of you, this is a person who's argumentative. They love to start things, though I don't have a lot of sword cards, so I almost feel like it's not the debate they enjoy, but rather riling people up. Also, they're a big show off, though I feel like they're mostly all talk. Possibly super nostalgic, too. They may reminisce a lot about their childhood, or the past. I see that they're not really sure what they want in terms of love, so a lot of them are non-committal right now. If you're into that, then I guess that's great! This person, when their mind is made up, they're fast moving. So, I'd watch out for that. Though, I have to tell you that they're really passionate about you. I asked what they felt for you, and I got Queen of Wands, so they're really attracted to you and they're feeling passionate about you. They also think about you a lot ( your lyrics mention this, but also a cover of Losing My Religion came on, and I feel like maybe they hear someone laugh and think it's you or something. I think your laugh is significant to them). Just remember that they seem to move on quickly once something else catches their eyes. Looks wise, this is going to be pretty general. I see a LOT of blues, so I think there's a possibility they may have blue eyes or wear the color blue a lot. A lot of whites and yellows, too, so maybe their hair is dyed white or maybe they got white hair already (so maybe for some, this is someone who's older). Possibly blonde hair, or just plain yellow, so perhaps they dress a little unconventional  and have dyed their hair yellow. For others this person has dark hair. I don't think anyone has long hair, and if it is a little longer, it only goes to the shoulders. In terms of signs, I think they're probably a fire (aries, sagittarius, or leo) or earth (cap, taurus, virgo). Songs:

Curveballs - The Wombats (is this song going to come out for every pick a pile? lol) Quiet Light - The National Cocoon - Catfish and the Bottlemen  Intermission - Catfish and the Bottlemen Fallout - Catfish and the Bottlemen Glasgow - Catfish and the Bottlemen (wow they really wanted catb to play lol) Losing my Religion - Movement’s cover

Pile 2:

Cards:  the sun, the world, page of wands, ten of cups, 8 of cups reversed, ace of cups, three of cups, knight of pentacles, flowers, tree, heart, wunjo, gebo "I'm addicted to the soundtrack. I need the noise." Don't Know Yet - Silversun Pickups "Love is patient, it's a trip to the beach, and a week to resuscitate." - Breathe Underwater by Big Scary Whoever this person is, Pile 2, they're a little closed off at first. It makes me think that they take a while to get to know about. But then, I was actually getting A LOT about this person.  Like they weren't sure at first, but now they want to talk.The first being that they may already be in a relationship (gosh, second pile to maybe have that, but this one I actually really believe this), or you may be in one. Either way, someone is already with someone else, so there's intense pining in this pile. Though, you got two major arcana's to describe them, ten of cups, ace of cups and the heart, so I really feel like this is a strong connection. Like, you two met and were immediately into eachother. So, I do also think this could be mutual. And despite them not seemingly available, they actually seem like a catch. First off, they're an optimistic person. Either they're usually in a good mood, or they're always trying to see the bright side of things. They're well traveled, or at least aware of other cultures and try to stay informed. They could even be bilingual. They're a hard worker, and can be quite enthusiastic. Like the last pile, I do see that they're someone who may start things and rush into other things while in the middle of the other things. Though, unlike the other pile, I do feel like this person follows through eventually. I think that even though they may jump around with projects, they're still pretty good at managing their time. They're really creative, and for most, I'm seeing that they express this through music (the lyrics from Silversun Pickups back this up.) I think this person may like the outdoors. Or, they could be really into nice things, like nice cars and clothes and the like. I don't think they're super materialistic, just that they like nicer things, though some of them may put a little more importance on money and material things than there needs to be. I do think they're very caring and giving to others.  But I also think they care about you too. I think you two are friends, though I get that this may have ended or there's a least been little communication for a bit. At least things have been quite stagnant (Road to Nowhere came on when I was thinking this, so yeah. I'd say.) I think you two are going to be getting back into contact. I can't tell you how things will go, or if they're still with someone else. But, I pulled lyrics from Big Scary's song Breathe Underwater, and they seem to indicate that if you guys want this connection to continue either as a friendship or as more, something may need to be resuscitated. The song says "Love is patient, it's a trip to the beach and week to resuscitate." So, I see that there is hope, but only if you both want this. And, again I need to reiterate the fact that there is possibly a third party, but this could also be a job or something else and not a person, but I'm still telling you to be upfront to this person about things. If you don't want to get tangled in something like that, be clear. There is a possibility it will happen, just not now. I also think for some this could be a karmic connection. I first thought this when Karma by Marina came on while I was shuffling the cards, but I was kind of like "Nahhh" but then I pulled the tree card, and that can mean karmic connection. It can also mean that they're going through a personal evolution, or they're really analytical (or I guess both for some). They may even be spiritual, though I don't see that as coming through really strongly, just because I only really see that in the tree card. I asked what they felt for you and I pulled the 4 of pentacles and Page of Cups. I think they're a little possessive of you, though on the defense too. I don't think they like seeing you talk to other people, but I also do not think they're ready to tell you how they feel. I also think they feel like this is a new love, like it's still blossoming (I see that with Ace of Cups too), but with 10 of cups, I think it's possible they could see something with you. I also had a spider walk across my cards and now I'm really jumpy, but that might mean something to you. It can mean connection on all levels, so I think this could mean that you two really are connected in a way that is hard for others to understand. It's possible you met them and thought that they felt familiar, like you'd known them before. It can also mean patience, and I did point out that there is a possibility for this to work, but not now, so patience is key. Think about that song by Big Scary I mentioned, it said that it takes a week to resuscitate. Do I think this will take a week? No. Honestly, I think it could take longer, but like, I think there's a possibility here. I don't want you to wait around for them, tough. Do your own thing, and if it happens, it happens. Spiders can also suggest creativity and creating the life you want. I think this may be a message for some to take action. For others I'd suggest looking it up for more meanings, in case there's something else that jogs your memory or you feel resonates. In terms of signs and appearances... I see a lot of water signs (cancer, pisces, scorpio), and a little bit of earth and fire, but mostly water. It kind of came through overwhelmingly. Though, if they have fire in their chart, I think it would most likely be leo. In terms of earth, Taurus (especially because of their love of the finer things), and for water, Scorpio. For looks, I see a lot of oranges, pinks and blues. I think they may have reddish hair, or an auburn. Maybe a light brown. I think they're probably really attractive (I mean like to you but also to others). I think their hair may be on the curly side. I feel like I need to keep saying that this is a general reading, so this may be different for people. Songs:

Don’t Know Yet - Siversun Pickups Breathe Underwater - Big Scary Karma - Marina Drive Me ‘Round - Mallrat Grand Theft Autumn/Where is Your Boy - Fall Out Boy (okay that is such an old video lmao) Baby, You’re a Haunted House - Gerard Way Road To Nowhere - Talking Heads Feels So Nice - The Wrecks Tiger Teeth - Walk the Moon

Pile 3:

Cards:  10 of cups rx, 2 of cups, the hierophant rx, 10 of wands rx, ace of cups, 7 of cups, 4 of swords, the road, the ship, the sun, eihwaz, algiz "Come back honeypie. I'm kinda bored of swimming 'round the bottom of oblivion. Come play out tonight, 'cause it feels like something's changing. It feels like I'm a bit undone. Come back honeypie." Honeypie by Love Fame Tragedy "There's nothing you've got when you die that you keep. You were all that you were, were you all you could be?" - The Wolf by Manchester Orchestra For pile 3, I see that this is someone who might live a distance for you, so maybe you two met and one of you moved or someone was just traveling. Or, it could just be something online. This is someone who is successful, though I don't know if I'd say they're content. I think there might be something unconventional about them (and for some, I'm sensing that they're the same gender as you). And by unconventional, I mean, just not what people in their life expects them to do. So maybe their job isn't very conventional (and with the ship card, maybe they work on or near water). They could also travel a lot ( Madman by Black Bra came on and a line in that is "Citizen of Nowhere", so perhaps they are kind of nomadic, in that they don't really have one set place they live? This could be what's unconventional about them). Though I think the road card goes with the 7 of cups, and that they just have a lot of options right now. And by that, it could be with people for relationships, or anything really. Either way, I think they're facing a lot of decisions right now. I think they could be feeling lonely right now, and maybe that's why they're making decisions right now. They perhaps are trying to better their life. I definitely see them as someone who is in the "YOLO" mindset, because I pulled a line from the Wolf by Manchester Orchestra, "There's nothing you've got when you die that you keep. You were all that you were, were you all you could be?", which really throws out that vibe of you really only do live once. Though, I don't think they're a huge risk-taker. Nothing in the cards indicate to me that they are, and I'm more inclined to say that they're more of a daydreamer than someone that acts. In that case, I don't really think they're going to tell you how they feel any time soon. I do think they want to offer you something eventually, but I don't think right now is the time. I think they're currently resting. I think in the past they were in a place where they were feeling burdened, but now they're feeling a little better. They're also definitively a strong-willed person, and could (and might have already) gone through some tough things. For some, I think you two may have had something previously, and I think you might have stopped things before they got really far. I think they want you back, but as I stated earlier, I don't see that happening soon. I think they're trying to get their life in order (maybe instead of traveling a lot, they could be sofa surfing, or something along those lines. Just nothing really permanent). I asked how they felt about you and got 2 of swords with 9 of cups to clarify this. I think, again, they have choices, but I do think you're kind of what they've been looking for. I also think even though you are the embodiment of what they've wanted, I also think for the most part, they're not sure what they want. Like, their life as a whole. I almost want to say they don't want a traditional life (you know, marriage, kids, 9-5 job, granted it's not really traditionally anymore, but I think you get the gist). I think this is a person who is really unique and they don't like being stuck in constraints, so if anything were to happen with them, I think it'd be a very open relationship (but not in the "open" sense where you date around, more like you both spend time apart but are happy with that?). Looks wise, I see darker tones. Darker skin, darker hair. Though, I also see a lot of reds and oranges too, so maybe red hair. Though, I almost want to say if they have red hair, it's more like dyed red, so like BRIGHT red. And, going with the unconventional thing, I think they may express themselves with their appearance, so dyed hair is definitely something they could have. I also want to say tattoos for sure, even though I don't really see them on any of the cards. I just get that vibe. Signs I see are Taurus and water signs. Maybe Leo. Songs: (Not a lot came on that seemed to really be apart of the reading, sorry!) Honeypie - Love Fame Tragedy The Wolf - Manchester Orchestra Thinking About You - Big Scary Superposition - Young the Giant Madman - Black Bra Pile 4:

Cards:   queen of wands, judgement, 7 of swords reversed, the high priestess reversed, king of pentacles reversed, page of pentacles, page of swords, ehwaz, wunjo, the man, the clover, the child, the mouse " 'Cause I can't get you out of my head." Pink Honey by Houses "I was so ahead of the curve, the curve turned into a sphere." - this is my trying by Taylor Swift Pile 4, there is a possibility there are two people who are crushing on you right now, but I will read this like it's only one person. I do think that if you were drawn to one of the other piles, go read that one, because maybe it can give you more insight on one of the people. I think this person is really mysterious to you. You can't quite seem to figure them out, though, I feel like you get the feeling that you can trust them. I think you can, because a lot of these cards/runes indicate someone who is trustworthy. I just think that this person is mysterious because they themselves are a little wary about other people and their intentions. I think this is also someone who is very giving to others, as well as accepting of others. I think they have the ability to be stable within their life, but I feel like they lack the confidence to get there. This kind of makes me think that the whole mysterious bit is both intentional and unintentional. I think there are parts of themselves that they don't quite trust (but I think this might be a skewed perception). Perhaps they're worried they'll hurt someone along with the feeling they'll get hurt too.

They can be a little immature (well, with two pages, I'm reading this as pretty immature), but I think they have a chance to grow in terms of maturity. Again, I think their confidence could be better. They probably have a lot of anxiety, and this probably hits their self- esteem a lot. I think this plays into the immaturity, but I don't really see them as someone who is super obnoxious. More just that they may not be great with money, or not know quite how to respond to some things in the most efficient way. I can tell you that they're very passionate, and maybe when they're in their power they come off as quite fiery. I don't think they're the most responsible, but I think it's more things like misplacing homework if they're in school, or perhaps sleeping past an alarm. I don't think they lack focus, but I do think they sometimes are forgetful because they're focused on something else. I think they know what they want in life and where they want to go, but that they're just currently having trouble getting there. Kind of an in between period that might be full of a lot of lessons. I think they may see you as their destiny, because I asked what they felt for you and I got wheel of fortune. I also got 4 of wands, and to me that says they may want to celebrate with you. Maybe party? I don't know but I think they see you as someone really fun, but then they also see you as their destiny. And right when I started this paragraph, Soulmates by Placebo came on, so...Uh. Yeah. Take what you want from that lol. Also, I want to note that the deck I used to pull clarifiers is usually really good with the illustrations and jogging my memory with what the Rider-Waite deck version looks like (though it’s not as similar as the Modern Day Witch tarot I used for the main portion of your reading, it still gets the image across.) Except for the 4 of wands to me! For some reason with this deck I pull it and draw a complete blank on what this card means outside of maybe celebrating, but as I stated Soulmates came on while I was writing this, and I completely forgot until like a week later that even though I mentioned that maybe destiny and soulmates played a part in how they see you, I forgot that the 4 of wands is one of those “soulmate” cards! Like, jeeze! Looking back, it’s almost like the music came on just to be like, “No. Sara. What are you doing? Keep going with the destiny part!” But I also was trying to be inclusive to people who don’t really believe in that stuff, and this person, though maybe seeing you as their destiny (but maybe more an “It’s inevitable we end up together” kind of thing), may also just want to party with you too. I see a lot of sky blues, so maybe they have light blue eyes. For one of you, they could have blue hair. Like, dark blue hair. The Judgement card in this deck has an angel with dark blue hair and its really standing out to me. For others, darker hair. I'm seeing mostly earth and air signs, but nothing standing out too much. There's some fire as well, especially with Queen of Wands, she also stands out, so does the sunflower in her hand. I think yellow could be significant to them.

Songs: Pink Honey - Houses this is me trying - Taylor Swift No Faith in Brooklyn - Hoodie Allen Soulmates - Placebo Destroyer - Panama Pile 5:

Cards:  9 of swords reversed, 10 of swords, 2 of wands reversed, 3 of wands reversed, queen of swords reversed, death, the hanged man, 6 of cups,  clouds, star, cross, eihwaz, hagalaz "You know it's gonna get better." - Carry On by 5sos "If I leave my love in your hands, tell me you'll keep it safe for me." Tokyo Hotel by Roadtrip The person that has a crush on you, Pile 5, is (or recently) going through some serious heartbreak. Whether it's a bad break up or the loss of a loved one, they're going through it. That's really the biggest message coming through and I think it's really defining their life right now. I think its changing how they're living their day-to-day life, as well as the path they're going down. I think they're having to rethink what they want in their future. This is someone you've known a while and you're friends with them. You'll probably know who I'm talking about because whatever this was, it is a HUGE loss to them. They're really grieving, and as I said, this is changing their life. It's not only changing the trajectory of their life, but also who they are on the inside. But despite all of this grief, they still have a lot of hope. They're still looking ahead, and they are starting to recover. Though, this will take a lot of time because currently, even if they have hope, they're only seeing the obstacles. I do think that you should be patient with this person right now. I don't think they're looking for anything in terms of a relationship, but I do think they could use a friend. Be gentle with them, even if they lash out at you. They're going through a lot inside and outside. Like A LOT. Most of the cards I pulled were about endings, depression, and destruction. When I asked how they felt about you, I got judgement. I think they're worried you're going to judge them, that you won't return the feelings. But, I also pulled the sun, so I kind of think they're seeing you as their sun right now. The one shining light in their life. For looks, I get a lot of dark purples, oranges, yellows and grays.  Also pinks. So, maybe they wear a lot of those colors. Perhaps they have dark eyes, or gray or light blue eyes. I get dark hair mostly.  A lot of darker tones. Signs, I have a lot of air and fire. I get Scorpio with the death card, so a little bit of water but mostly Scorpio. I'm sorry I didn't get a lot about them. I think right now their focus is really on this pain their feeling. All of the songs that came on when I was doing this reading had a really somber tone to them, and if they weren't completely sad songs, they had parts that were pretty sad. So, I think you just need to be patient for this person. If they are a friend and you know them well, I would say be there for them. Songs:

Carry On - 5 Seconds of Summer Tokyo Hotel - Roadtrip Moon Song - Phoebe Bridgers Dreams - The Cranberries Apartment Story - The National Lonely Eyes - The Front Bottoms

exploring my natal chart like pt 13 i think. found another really great website for a free chart astro-charts.com

I was born during a waning crescent moon and a lot of planets were in retrograde when i was born.

"A Waning Crescent is a wise, aged moon that has already experienced every phase in the cycle. This causes people born under a Waning Crescent to possess special talents or knowledge. Having this unique perspective can lead to a life of success, imagination, and fulfillment."

SOURCES: https://www.yourmoonphase.com/blogs/your-moon-phase/what-the-moon-phase-on-your-birthday-says-about-you#:~:text=A%20Waning%20Crescent%20is%20a,success%2C%20imagination%2C%20and%20fulfillment.

"Retrograde Mercury: These people absorb thoughts and ideas through repetition and osmosis rather than careful, deliberate study. Constantly editing, reviewing, rethinking, replaying it in their mind. Own best teacher. Questions what others accept as gospel. More capable of dealing with abstractions and impressions than those with Mercury direct.

Retrograde Jupiter: These people are capable of taking advantage of opportunities that others ignore or pass by. They prefer to “take another crack” at things others have tried and failed. Their moral and ethical code, religion, and philosophy are their own. They seek answers from within rather than subscribing to the dogma of the outside world. They seek abundance in new, untried, and unproven areas.

Retrograde Saturn: These people may doubt their worthiness as human beings. May avoid taking responsibility for their mistakes and be fearful of taking chances. There is often subconscious fear of rejection and loss. Their limitations and burdens are self-imposed. This may be the most difficult retrograde.

Retrograde Uranus: Here is a natural-born rebel. Strong reformer instincts — for everybody else. These folks have a strong inner need and desire to persistently test their personal abilities against those of others. They must constantly prove themselves to themselves. In seeking greater freedom for themselves, they may limit the freedom of others.

Retrograde Neptune: These people may be confused inwardly as to whether they are “virtuous” or not. Persistently seek to help others, whether their help is wanted or not. They are more susceptible and more easily taken in by others."

SOURCES: https://www.mollysastrology.com/lessons/retrograde-planets/

Some other information about my chart:

"Most of the inner planets are located in the top hemisphere

Mars is on the Midheaven

Ascendant and Mc are in 9 aspects

Venus in Libra and Uranus in Aquarius are in the signs of their rulership.

The Square aspect occurs the most, a total of 11 times

Uranus and Neptune are rising

The bottom right quadrant is empty

The Fixed mode is dominant among the inner planets"

SOURCES: astro-charts.com (they give you all that info if it applies to you when you make your chart super cool website)

Based on my chart from cafeastrology.com I have:

6 masculine/4 feminine placements

3 cardinal/4 fixed/3 mutable mode placements

and my breakdown by element is 3 fire/3 earth/3 air/and 1 water sign lmfao which is my scorpio mars + midheaven lmfao.

Going to see if I can find out what that all means too lmfao.

Also found some really cool websites with info on chiron and lillith placements.

"Chiron is the wounded healer and shows our long-term wounds that often come from a past lifetime. Chiron in Libra is the particular wound of relationships.

We tend to overcompensate in Chiron areas by becoming a bit extreme. It’s natural to try and “fix” the wound, but often I find that we chase a solution to fix our Chiron, instead of uncovering the solution inside of us.

Unlike other planets, it’s hard to ignore your Chiron. It will hit you in the face, over and over, and can make your life pretty terrible, especially if you don’t know how to work with it. The Chiron in Libra wound is especially difficult because it’s all about relationships, something we deal with almost every day.

Chiron in Libra means that you feel like there is something missing from your life. Usually, this “something” is your soul mate.

The Chiron in Libra wound might feel like a hole inside you. You may spend time trying to fill it with things from the outside world. You might also feel as though the world is just a bit off-balance at all times.

With Chiron in Libra, you are hurt by loneliness, but you are also hurt by relationships. Whether you’re in a relationship or are alone, the wound is there. Chiron in Libra shows itself no matter how hard you try to hide it.

There can be a lot of anxiety and guilt surrounding the Chiron in Libra wound. These people typically feel inadequate socially as a child, regardless of whether or not this is apparent to others.

This Chiron in Libra wound can show itself in a variety of ways. Often, these people feel alone and incomplete without a relationship, but they never find the fulfillment that they’re looking for in any relationship, either.

The Chiron in Libra wound usually manifests as conflict in interpersonal relationships. It is really difficult for these folks to have relationships without triggering the wound. This can include conflicts in romantic relationships, as well as partnerships and friendships. If you have Chiron in Libra, be wary of self-neglect in relationships.

Most relationships for the Chiron in Libra person will be karmic. It is important for these folks to focus on relationships in order to heal the wound, but this spotlight must have the intention of learning and working on ways to approach relationships that are more authentic.

It’s not abnormal for the Chiron in Libra person to wear a mask in a relationship. It might be really hard for them to show their true self to their partner for fear of losing the relationship.

The terror of being alone makes it hard for a Chiron in Libra person to get out of a relationship, even if it becomes unhealthy. It’s not uncommon for these relationships to have some sort of abuse involved in them, mainly because the Chiron in Libra person is passive and malleable, so they’re really a prime target.

I find that those with Chiron in Libra tend to give far more than they receive. This is most likely due to their fear of being left alone. There are definitely “people-pleaser” tendencies with this placement; these are the classic conflict-avoidant individuals.

Alternatively, the Chiron in Libra individual can be so afraid of being alone that they refuse to engage in relationships at all. I don’t see this outcome as much, but it is certainly a possibility. These people are often able to give others relationship advice that they can’t follow themselves.

Typically, the Chiron in Libra person gets into relationships with those who show a mirror image of the qualities they can’t see in themselves. They might also give to their partners what they aren’t able to give to their inner selves.

A Chiron in Libra individual might live a double life. It’s easy for them to hide who they truly are inside if they feel that they must put on a face in order to stay in a relationship. Sometimes, these people will do this for years, even while living with a partner.

This really is the classic Romeo & Juliet placement. Chiron in Libra is all about sacrificing yourself for the partner. Often, individuals do this because they are desperately trying to heal the wound, but it doesn’t fix it.

I find that most Chiron in Libra placements are developed in a past life. Unlike other wounds, this wound is about karmic relationships, so Chiron in Libra people will usually meet the same souls over and over until the wound is healed.

Sometimes, these Chironic beliefs are cemented by parents or through other early life experience, but the original wound almost always comes from a relationship trauma in a past life.

The first step to healing Chiron in Libra is to recognize that the true soul mate is within. The Chiron in Libra person is constantly looking to fill that “soul mate” void with other people, but they will only feel truly complete by connecting with the inner self.

You will find with this placement that others reflect your own needs back to you. If you see qualities in others that you feel you lack, then it’s time to try and discover those qualities within yourself instead of outsourcing.

You will need to learn how to be authentic in a relationship, without hiding any part of yourself. You probably feel fear that you might be left alone if you do reveal your true self, but this is fear that you have to process and move through. It’s okay to be afraid. The lesson with Chiron in Libra is to do it anyways!

Unconditional love for the self is something that will be helpful for you to develop. You will learn, by doing this work, that separateness and aloneness were simply illusions. I find that energy work can be especially helpful, as well as meditation and inner work."

SOURCES: https://teaandrosemary.com/chiron-in-libra/

(Lillith in Virgo) "Rebellion against order; provocative humour.

Their sensuality is strongly suppressed by trying to appear calm; emotional conflicts often occur because it is very difficult for these people to feel relaxed. They want to suppress their instincts or they appear to be cold and perverted.

Beware of alcoholism and surgery of the intestines."

SOURCES: https://horoscopes.astro-seek.com/lilith-in-virgo-sign-astrology-meaning

I also have something called a yod that i dont quite understand yet lol. it looks like an isosceles triangle in my chart between my MC, North Node, and Saturn and it looks like its pointing at my saturn but idk what that means lol. the chart on astro-charts.com just let me know i have it lmfao.

Survey #392

“l.a. is where stars come to die”

Do you think there’s anything you did better when you were younger? I think I was a better writer, honestly. Like I've developed in some areas, like being less over-dramatic, but I just think my creativity in wording and such has dulled down. Who was the craziest teacher you’ve ever had? I've never had a "crazy" teacher, honestly. What’s the last thing you got paid to do? Take pictures. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone else? How should I know? Ask either Jason or Sara. Have you ever wanted to model? No. Have you ever seen someone have a seizure? I THINK my sister? Teddy had seizures in his old age, too. What’s your favorite car? I don't have one, really. Do you know any HTML or CSS? If yes, how much? I know veeeeery little basics. LIke, I can change the color of shit and that's about it lmao. Do you tend to care about the lives of celebrities? Why or why not? Only celebrities I really really care about, like Mark. What do you think of the scene style? #aesthetic and I will ALWAYS be envious of the hair. Have you ever told an extremely inappropriate joke? Oh god, I remember one. What is the highest you have been up, other than in an airplane? On a certain faire ride, I wanna say. Is there any hope of you ever seeing your favorite band in concert? Ozzy does want to do another tour at some point, but he's fighting Parkinson's currently, so it's not guaranteed it will happen. Mom and I planned on going to his last one that was scheduled, but the diagnosis cancelled it. :( What is your favorite non-green vegetable? Uhhhhh I guess potatoes. What is your favorite non-traditional fruit? I don't think I've even had a non-traditional fruit. Just basic stuff. Have you ever had Swedish Fish? Yeah, I'm not a fan. What is your favorite origami shape? Birds, I guess. Do you usually take the stairs or the elevator? I pretty much always take an elevator if one's available because my legs can barely handle stairs at all. It's agonizing for me. Do you need a key card to get into the building you live in? No. What was the last takeout food you had? I had a burger from McDonald's a few days ago. Do you take the pickle off your burgers? No, I love pickles on burgers. Do you share a bed with anyone? Just my cat. If you’ve read or watched Harry Potter, which book/movie is your favorite? I haven't. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? I re-installed DragonVale. What do you know the most about? Meerkats, Markiplier, and Silent Hill, probably. What TV shows can you not stand? What's that stupid show on Adult Swim, Rooster Teeth or something like that? That shit was so dumb. Have you ever tasted your own tears? I mean not intentionally. Sometimes tears just fall down a spot where it happens. Are your legs hairy? I can almost guarantee to you that I probably have the hairiest legs of any woman you've ever met. Do you like Cheese-Itz? I love them! We don't really buy them though because both Mom and I can destroy a box of them. Have you ever built a sandcastle? I have. Did you ever watch Barney as a child? Yeah, I loved Barney, but not as much as my older sister. She literally "married" him, haha. Have you ever had a pet rabbit? No, but my older sis did as a kid. That poor thing died and Ashley didn't know for THREE DAYS. Mom took it out earlier and I guess she wanted to see how long it took Ash to notice? She didn't take great care of it, so. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? Yes, my friendship ring with Sara. To you, what is especially distracting? Tapping noises. When was the last time you did some major cleaning? MAJOR cleaning? Good question. How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? It sickens me. Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? Nope. When are you likely to lie? Probably when I don't want to seriously hurt someone. What is a personality type that you do not like? I hate people who think they know everything, are unwilling to acknowledge their flaws and work on them, feel they're better than others, are closed-minded, sexist, bigoted, racist... What is a personality type that you DO like? I am drawn to people who are empathetic and try to understand and consider more than just themselves, are caring and genuine, philosophical and think deeply, are calm, friendly, good listeners, and have a light sense of humor. Which of your friends is the least like you? In what way? I actually don't know. MAYBE Mini with her being extremely conservative to a frustrating degree and overwhelmingly religious. We diverge pretty strongly in beliefs that are important to me. How about the most like you? In what way? Sara! We have incredibly similar interests and morals, and we both are wild over animals. When was the last time you felt under-appreciated? I'm gonna be completely transparent here, even though it's uncomfortable to admit. I was very unhappy with the literally two interactions a poem I was really proud of got on dA. Like it was one I was trying to get published prior to just posting it there, so it was really disappointing to feel so overlooked when you worked hard on something you felt came out great. Does anyone take advantage of you or take you for granted? No. Are you taking anyone for granted? I sure as hell hope no one feels like I do. I definitely try to appreciate those I have to the utmost. What is one selfish thing that you do? I prioritize my alone time probably too much. How about something selfless? I'm pretty much always willing to listen to people's hardships and comfort them even if my own mental health is in poor condition. What do you like to do on your favorite holiday? Just be with family and really focus on how lucky I am to have them. What helps you fall asleep? I guess really paying attention to slowing my breathing, but that doesn't always work. It takes me at LEAST half an hour to fall asleep, so I struggle no matter what. Is there anyone you wish you were still friends with now? Megan. I really, really miss her. What is a fear you want to overcome? SOCIAL ANXIETY. UGH. What is something you do not like about yourself, with good reason? I'm lazy. What do you usually cry about? PTSD. Do you like pizza better on the second day? No. What do you like on your pancakes? Butter and normal syrup. Have you ever made up your own emoticon? I don't think so. How do you generally meet people? Online in one way or another. Have you ever seen a Broadway show in New York? No. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, "God Hates Your Outfit" by Jeffree Star lmao. Look, it's catchy. Can anyone in your immediate family play the guitar? No. Have you ever wished to be an internet celebrity? How about a ‘real’ one? No. Like I've actually *loosely* considered trying to be a let's player with my love of games, but I don't even want to *risk* popularity; not that I think I'd get to that point, but still, I don't like the chance. Have you ever been kayaking? No. Do you still live with your parents? Yes. Do you believe you will never get over someone? I think Jason will always occupy at the very least a small corner of my mind. I just deal with loss so poorly in general, but that... that breakup was something. What do you order at Burger King? I don't like BK. Have you ever lived by yourself? No. Pretty sure I never could with my depression. What brand cell phone do you have? It's just a Tracfone, lol. Did you ever have a ‘security blanket’ when you were younger? Yes, my stuffed moose. What is your lucky charm? I don’t have one. Have you ever been in a wedding? Yeah, I was a bridesmaid in my sister's. Do you believe in yourself? ehhhhhh What time does your dad usually wake up in the morning? I don't live with him, so I can't say for sure. He's a mailman though, so he gets up early, I know. Who was the last person/people you were in a car with? Mom. What movie do you plan on watching next? I've been meaning to watch Jacob's Ladder for like... over a year, lmao. It served as an inspirational work for Silent Hill, and I know its reputation is brilliant, so I really want to see it. I just... don't really watch movies unless I'm in the theater. When something really scares you, what’s your immediate reaction? Gasp or go "what the fuck" or something along those lines. I can almost promise a curse word is coming out of my mouth, lol. Using song lyrics, say something to your most recent ex: I don't wanna get emotional digging through the songs that remind me of her, so pass, lol. You can only watch 4 TV shows for the rest of your life. What are they? Meerkat Manor, That '70s Show, maybe Pokemon even if I don't watch it anymore (it could be like a comfort show if I'm limited to four), aaaaand I think Ginga Densetsu Weed. Do you think it’s possible for a rap song to make you cry? ... Yes??? There are a couple that have for me. Does the idea of having a baby at your age scare you? I'm not having kids, sooo I don't have to worry about this. What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? None. I'd be really upset if some did, but I wouldn't cry. Who is your favourite famous person who isn’t a singer, actor, or athlete? Well, I WOULD say Mark, but considering he's officially an actor now... guess not, haha. Uhhhh. Put him aside and I guess maybe Bindi Irwin. I'm not sure.

Do you have any tip for recognize what your love language for giving and receiving please ? I have no clue due to being autistic / being from an abusive household / being the eldest daughter ( trained to pick up after others / serve since childhood ) . I don’t know what they are and it’s driving me crazy.

This is an excellent, important question to ask. You recognize that what you’ve been *taught* to do isn’t necessarily *your* love language.  With the background you’ve described, knowing this about yourself is super-important for *reclaiming* yourself.  (Also, I am very proud of you for facing these things.)

Now, I’m no expert, but I have observed a lot over the years, and thought a lot about the Love Languages, too.  So here are my thoughts: 

First, the big Caveat:  Your love language may actually be Acts of Service, but it’ll have been warped by the abusive constraints you grew up under.  This is actually worse than most people would assume--you’ve been forced to give what you would’ve given for free if you’d had a choice, but you didn’t have much of a choice.

Whether or not Acts of Service is your love language in the end...that alone makes it a consent violation.  Emotional consent violations are more insidiously, subtly traumatizing--not necessarily worse, but definitely more difficult to observe, confirm, confront, & recover from.  So finding out that your primary love language has been manipulated and used against you may be...disturbing...to learn.  (If you can afford competent counseling, I strongly recommend it--and yes, don’t hesitate to try different counselors if the first or second or however many don’t feel like a good match.)

It could be something else--with five major categories to choose from, you got four other possibilities.  You may have need to receive love in a different language from AoS, but have been taught (polite euphemism) to give love only in the one way you were demanded most often to express.

You could also have multiple love languages, and that multitude can express itself in different ways with different people. I myself am bilingual, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I’m lucky in that I was never forced to give AoS, but it makes it a little more difficult at times to know which of the two I need at any given moment, because it’s not always easy to tell.  Plus, there are just some people I will never be comfortable receiving PT from, though AoS is fine.

I even know of one couple who expressed & received love in all 5 categories, and both felt satisfied with each kind, making it difficult to tell if they had a primary...until I asked them how they liked giving & receiving with others. They had actually ended up unconsciously tailoring how they expressed love to specific other people (children, grandchildren) according to that other person’s needs.  Now, I’m not saying this couple is perfect (they’re drama hounds in some ways, and if things are going too smoothly, they’ll stir the pot a bit). They’re just an example of how you can receive in one language (or several) and give in other languages.

With that said, the best way to figure it out is to take the 5 Love Languages tests:  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

These are comparative tests, always pairing up two different Love Language ways to express oneself and asking you to pick the one that more suits you.

There are no wrong answers.

As someone who is also on the spectrum colorwheel (I love the analogy a tumblr user came up for describing it!), I want you to know that it is not only okay to be unsure about your answers, but that you can actually get a better idea of your Love Languages by taking the test multiple times, and swapping out the answers you weren’t sure about.  Keep track of your scores, and whenever you run across a quiz that gives you point totals for each category, compare the point totals.

Why? Because not all those bilingual in Love Languages will be equally bilingual 100% of the time (or 50-50, lol).  More importantly, as you become more self-aware of your past habits and work to release yourself from their chains, the more your Love Languages may change.  It is also important to realize that you can become fluent in a language not normally your own, if you are emotionally invested in the person you are expressing that language to, and are aware of how they receive it & react to it--in other words, this is a very real case of “learning to taking pleasure from other people’s happiness.”

Also, as we grow and learn and change (which life makes us do simply by existing & interacting with the world), sometimes our Love Language(s) may shift a bit.  Again, this is perfectly natural and normal.  There are no wrong answers.

One of the ways that our Love Languages can shift is--after trauma and/or abuse--our ability to give & receive love can actually weaken, and even wither.  A lot of that has to do with being protective, defensive, in an emotionally hostile environment.  Some of that, however--as many of us have learned over the last handful of months--may have come about as a result of quarantine isolation. 

For those of us who already have difficulty with social interactions (autism spectrum, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), isolation worsens our ability to pick up on social cues, even to the point of having difficulty noticing social cues, which includes noticing LL interactions. And as with physical starvation, love starvation can get us reduced to the point where we no longer notice how hungry we are for loving interactions.

But most importantly, not everyone will have the same dialect, or sub-dialect, of Love Language.  For example, your LL may be Physical Touch, but if those who abused you constantly put a heavy hand on your shoulder, gripping it with bruising strength, being touched on your shoulder will automatically give you a negative reaction by association.

I personally don’t like holding hands. It doesn’t come naturally to me. But I am definitely an elbows-interlocked person, because that feels much more natural to me.  Or if you’re trying to give someone a Gift with that LL, the type of gift you give may or may not make them feel loved.

It’s like the stereotypical joke of the husband giving the wife a new vacuum cleaner for their birthday.  Even if Gifts are her main LL, the gift of a vacuum cleaner comes with a burden of expectations...and if her secondary Love Language is Acts of Service...?  Unless she asked for it as a gift choice (or spoke about getting a new one positively in some way)...that’s really not gonna be a good gift.

(Even then, offering to use it yourself to tidy the house so the burden isn’t 100% on her shoulders is going to be received positively by most folks...unless they have house-cleaning-based OCD, in which case, ask first, and work with them to accommodate what you can, to reduce stress in your partner. Also, some people might genuinely like things like a new vacuum cleaner if they know that the giver is aware their Love Language is Acts of Service, or bilingually AoS and Gifts...but again, if you aren’t completely sure...ask.)

With all of that said and carefully considered, you probably have a long road ahead of you, untangling your past from your present, and untangling your burdensome expectations from your actual desires.  But that’s okay.

Again, there are no wrong answers.

This isn’t a math equation. Your answers do not have to match each time you take a Love Language test.  Not even if you turn around and take it again five minutes after your first run-through.  And don’t hesitate to re-take it once a week or once a month, and ask yourself if your feelings about each question or suggestion has changed.  Just be in the moment, in that moment, and consider your answers in that particular moment.

It may even be helpful to keep a little journal, a .doc file or something, with your thoughts on the questions and answers on a given date.  Write down or otherwise make a note of any questions that seemed particularly important to you, or particularly ambivalent (in which case, write down both suggestions for later review).

Definitely don’t be afraid to go back over your previous results.

There are no wrong answers.

You are a living, growing being, constantly changing as you encounter new thoughts, new ideas, new situations.  When we look at this situation in that light...how could there possibly be any “right answer” without it being solely a “right now” answer?

Again, you have a lot to unpack, a lot to decompress, a lot to escape, a lot to re-explore once you can shed more of the burdens of your past.  These things will take time...which sucks when you want to know now...but that’s alright.  Again, there are no wrong answers, since what you learn today only applies to today.  Come back in a week, re-examine everything, and see how you feel then.

Whatever your Love Language(s) might be, I’m genuinely proud of you for being aware of the impositions of your past, and wanting to know what’s ahead of you for your future.  Just one last thought to consider:  Don’t feel you have to only ever give-and-receive in one specific Love Language, if you discover a particular one.

Bilingualism can help you and an important person in your life bond together that much more, if you know or or at least can guess fairly readily what their own LL might be.  My mother’s LL is Quality Time, and I interconnect with her through Acts of Service by choosing to do things with her, while being mindful to chat with her, joke & laugh with her, etc.  We could do chores together, we could go traveling together...the important thing is that we connect together.  And no, it doesn’t have to be applied to your own mother; your own family relationships are your own, and probably won’t be solved by so simple an answer.

Me, I’m retaking the Singles Quiz from the above linked website right now, because I just realized it’s been over a year since I took it, and I’ve been through a lot, emotionally & mentally, over the last year-plus...and that’s without adding the decade-long year-from-hell that has been 2020 so far.

Remember, you’re a living, growing, and thus potentially ever-changing being.  Sometimes that growth & change is to become more of something.  Sometimes it’s a change away from one thing and more toward another, or more toward a state of neutrality/equilibrium...and again there are no wrong answers.  Sometimes you may need to return to neutral equilibrium, so you can recover from the burdens of your past, regain the room to resume your true shape...and regain the room to figure out what that true inner shape (or Love Language) truly is.

*piles prepackaged hugs by your front door*

You are worthy of love, you are worthy of giving love, and you are most definitely worthy of receiving love.  Ideally in all the ways that satisfy your need to be loved fully.  Good luck with the tests--and I say that solely because you’re going to be ambiguous about some of the choices.  We all feel that way, on certain subjects on certain days.  Remember...

There are no wrong answers.

bc you’ve talked about this a little before... how do you work thru feeling ugly & disgusting for poverty-related things? like i’m under 30 but ppl tell me i look older. i have chronic pain and frankly appalling genetics so retail has been so so hard on my body. i have adult acne that i don’t have the money to treat. i feel so ugly and in turn worthless bc i can’t afford to look “pretty.” i try to tell myself that my value isn’t in my looks but the world sure says it is.

hi!! sorry i sat on this ask for a little bit i wanted to think on it and give you a response that felt worthwhile bc this stuff is really important and close to my heart. if you want/feel comfortable, i’d be happy to talk about this more in-depth privately in DMs and stuff! i relate a lot to what you said and i hold strongly to the belief that the best thing in healing from this stuff is what we can offer each other. (not to sound like a new age therapist lol)

(also i do want to preface with the face that i am able-bodied so chronic pain is not something i can personally attest to living with, tho much of my family has chronic pain and other health issues and their experiences have definitely influenced the way i look at things.)

full response under the read more because wow i typed for FOREVER.

honestly? it’s overwhelming, though it definitely is better some days than others. i think being online and surrounded by media is such a loaded thing because it can be super comforting when you feel alone, especially if you’re able to curate a space of stuff and people that reflects the things you value and need to see in your life, but those same spaces still carry the same biases and burdens that the real world does. 

for me, it’s been a matter of trying to be aware of how i’m feeling and why i may be feeling it. sometimes the self-hatred/self-disgust does get really intense, especially when you’ve been conditioned over your entire life to think that the things that you are (and may always be) are ‘disgusting’. i’m a very socially-minded person, and despite having my own complicated relationships with my family, i do find it helpful to think about the standards i’m putting on myself when compared to the people i love who come from similar lives. when classist stuff is really digging into my brain and i can’t shake it off, i think about the people i love who look the way i feel afraid to look, and what they deserve. i can’t always get it in my head that i deserve the same things i want for my loved ones, but at the very least it helps me reinforce that, no, i DON’T believe this thing society has schooled in me because believing that thing hurts people i care about. 

i know that body positivity on tumblr and elsewhere online, for me, comes off very superficially and then i’ll feel guilty for not feeling comforted by it? but i try to remind myself that the things i’m trying to deconstruct aren’t just like “oh this is ugly,” it’s more like “our society has brainwashed us into believing that poverty is a moral failure and thereby any physical traits that imply our social status as lesser is humiliating and should be avoided at all costs,” so of course i won’t feel better just because an upperclass person on the internet tells me they think wrinkles and yellow fingernails are cute. there is a value in our society trying to rethink how it views beauty, but that’s a very big ask to put on yourself, especially when you’re marginalized and hurting emotionally. i try to remind myself that i don’t have to think i am beautiful to have worth. that’s a cliche thing to say rip. but uh, i try to reframe the things i think of as flaws not as beautiful but more of a mark of survival? 

again, this gets a lot easier for me when i think about my loved ones. 

my dad had a stroke about a week before he turned 47. he’s one of my favorite people in the world, i love him so much. even though the stroke didn’t really cause any visible stuff for him to be self-conscious about, it did still royally fuck him up mentally. he has permanent vision loss and got his driver’s licence taken away for months despite the doctor’s recommendation that he was fine to drive. the doctor told him it was likely because he was overworking and he wasn’t treating his anxiety and depression, and he’s still paying the medical bills off three years later. he couldn’t work, couldn’t drive, and was forced to sit at home and reevaluate the way he was taking care of himself and what he valued about himself. i think a lot about the life that he’s lived and the things that he’s survived. i don’t know that he sees it the way i do, but when i think about how easily my dad could have died, i feel genuinely grateful for the fact that partial vision loss is all that happened. obviously it doesn’t make the actual loss any easier, but it is a reminder that he’s survived. 

this world is not kind to poor people. a lot of it doesn’t give a fuck if we live, much less if we live happily or healthily. i try to remind myself that the scars we wear (even the ones that don’t look like scars, ones that look like skin disorders, crooked or missing teeth, stretch marks and fat rolls, hair that’s months due for a cut and clothes that you tried to patch because you really can not afford to get a new pair, whatever it is) might never be beautiful but it is a reminder that we got through it. and, if this helps you, when i see other people on the street who look like me or my family, i feel a little less alone. the people who the flaws we’re so afraid of actually stick out to, they usually notice them because it’s something familiar to them? and maybe it’s not beautiful, but they see that and know it for what it is. whether they see it as beautiful or not/good or bad, it’s a fact of life, and sometimes feeling normal in our imperfections is almost as good as feeling beautiful in our imperfections. 

this is a really long answer (i’ll probs edit a read more in here once i post it) and i’m not sure that this is even helpful so much as kind of my own vent about it??? but i hope you know, anon, that you really aren’t alone in what you were saying. i don’t know that i’ve figured out how to live with it, i know it’s likely only going to get more complicated as i get older and the health issues my genes got cookin starts popping up, but i’m working on it. i do know that i always feel better when i think about people like me, so i hope that brings you some comfort? take care of yourself okay? survival is beautiful, even if it feels like the stress marks it leaves aren’t. 

The WHO and the WHAT

Giving understanding your chart a chance:

Planetary Alignments

Taurus, Pisces.... Even knowing your sun is a Cancer and your rising in Aries is all good and well. But planets add a whole other layer over the way you may function in a sign (or a house but that’s for another post I guess). It’s easy to remember traits about zodiac signs (like fiery elements and the differences between cardinal and fixed) but do you know what sign a given planet is in? If it is in strength or at a weakness? These observations can turn a non-believer of astrology into an advocate.

My Venus is in Virgo (also my sun and moon sign and of course in fall or working against it’s placement) meaning for ME, finding someone who has the capacity to understand my love language or not take advantage of my mutable big three has been hard. I notice a trend of retreating inward without knowing it (when my emotional needs aren’t met), and others need to see and hear things to know... And there is the disconnect. 

Mercury: ☿ The Messenger ~ The clear ruler of communication (and why the retrograde is so fantastically catastrophic, but more on that later), how we take in, let out, and process information is important. Your sun, moon, & rising should be taken into account separately from this. A sun in Scorpio may mean you’re mysterious, emotional (even if you hide it), and a bit brooding but a Mercury in Leo could mean you explain and express yourself with unexpected flair. Understanding this aspect in your chart can help you be a better listener, talker, or find out what kind of people you want to interact with in the long run. 

*I used my Leo Mercury as an example. I go through introverted, critical, and anxious bouts as an overthinking earth sign, but I’ve always had a knack for telling stories and only recently have I discovered this connection. Using humor to cope is comforting to most people, I guess. lol

Venus: ♀︎ The Lover ~ I will admit to using Sailor Senshi to remember my planetary themes, but yes this one is known emphatically as The Lover. In addition to your sun, moon, and Mercury this can give you insight to how you love, your own love language, and how best someone might receive you. My Virgo Venus has doubled down on the earthy acts of service as mine. I’ve always wanted to make sure the people I love and care about are fed (finishing my food if I cannot) and their lives easier (tidying a room, folding laundry etc...). Somewhere along the way, this became easier than words. 

That’s nice and all, but my criticalness and Mercury-ruled energy (A sharp Virgo way with words that can be weaponized and unfocused Gemini-ness that at best is spacey) it’s hard for me to get through to people at times. Understanding yours (or someone else’s) Venus is their approach to romance (so how much more emotionally intelligent do you feel understanding how you communicate and how you approach love ?). 

Mars: ♂︎ The Warrior ~ If Venus is our feminine ~love~ energy, then Mars is obviously the opposite (at least in symbol). What grinds your gears? Turns thoughts and ideas into action? Mars is about expressing (our anger) and how we get what we desire. What is that cost?

Our drives and our passions.... Mine happens to be in Gemini. I love my ability to go with the flow and appeal to all sorts of people, professions, and hobbies. But this energy (even with my earthiness) is unfocused. Lots of thought and brain action (and typing at 3 am asfcgsd) but harnessing it is not always an easy thing for me. If we can be honest here, it never has. 

I can be easily bored (although I will say I’m crushing boredom in quarantine for the most part) and my mercurial ass is actually exhausted and borderline in distress when I’m bored. My mind races and it becomes anxiety. Even hyper-vigilant criticisms of myself. I’ve turned to bottles, pills, and risky behavior to avoid it! Now that I see and understand this cloying longing to feel like I belong everywhere and the way chaos manifests in my space if I’m not well, I begin to understand and fix that. 

I must find balance in the doing and the not doing but I can’t let my mind get bored. I’ve always been a fidgety person and talked with my hands (my massaged cat and friends can attest to both). And I often take on many projects and only the strong survive.... I used to not understand my Gemini rising but the more I talk, the more it make sense (since it is ruled by the Mercury communicator and the area of the hands).

Jupiter: ♃ The Sage ~ Now here’s something maybe everyone can get into. Luck. Jupiter has to do with a lot of luck in our charts, how we improve our lives and show generosity throughout it. For me, though my Jupiter comes in the same sign as my sun and moon (New Moon babies unite), its is actually at it’s detriment or not working as strongly as it could be (a trend I’m noticing with my Virgo placements lmfao).

Investigation will show that I’ve always been good at being persuasive and using warm graces to win someone over. That’s why from customer service to [REDACTED] (rhymes with.... h*x w*rk), I make a good front of house. My need to see a tangible result of progress (in video games, typing things like this out, or reorganizing all my things, creating art) can be attributed to this. For a day dreamer, I have a very grounded chart. 

Saturn: ♄ The Taskmaster ~ Saturn, Saturn, Saturn.... Known of course by the infamous return, the one denoting when different clusters of generations ‘grow up’ (and I’m pretty sure I’m about due for AND going right through mine but I deleted co__star lmao), some associate with death. The end. Saturn is associated with restriction and limitation. Boundaries. This all sounds negative, but Saturn brings with it structure and meaning. A good relationship and understanding yields great things for life!

“Saturn is often associated with our fathers or father/authority figures. In childhood, the discipline, rules, and regulations imposed on us by our authority figures–from parents, teachers, and the like–were not always pleasant, but they actually helped us to understand the world around us. Similarly, Saturn’s lessons actually help us to grow.”

Ouch.

I will try to let this speak for itself and not project TOO much of my own chart as if you care, but I’ve only recently seen so deeply into what makes up who I am astrologically. I’ve always had a bit of a struggle with boundaries. Initiating them. Holding my space and comfort over others.

I was born during a New Moon and at LEAST one retrograde. 

Saturn.

I can condemn myself for that or I can keep going, deeper and see why and how going forward I don’t fall into the same pitfalls (or maybe give myself a little compassion seeing that others have struggled my struggle). It does kind of feel like the whole world is on it’s Saturn return right now, though. 

Uranus: ⛢ The Revolutionary ~ My Uranus was also in retrograde during my birth. I do feel conflict at this time of riots, protests, and rampant and unrepentant police brutality. People who look just like me die in the streets, in police custody, somewhere in strange circumstances. Vulnerable to covid and staying to help my parents, my place isn't at protests even if it feels like my heart is. I do my part to speak my mind and perspective, donate and raise awareness. Support my allies on the lines in the ways I can. 

I cannot lie and say the present doesn’t scare me. Or being tear-gassed, detained indefinitely, thrown in jail or court, or disappeared. All of it. 

“Uranus is quite at home in the eighth house of resurrections. You are naturally open and support change. “Change is good,” is your constant motto. Re-inventing yourself from time to time sounds like a good idea to you. You couldn’t possibly have it otherwise. Life would be boring without change. Your style and pace of bringing about change though may leave others dazed and breathless. The style of change that you prefer can be destructive to those around you. Your good intentions are never at doubt though. It’s just that you are addicted to your ideas and you sometimes overlook human emotions. Your natural impatience with status quo drives you to move fast leaving the staid behind.”

Maybe I jump ahead getting to houses, but I wanted to switch it up. Though Uranus was essentially moving backwards when I was born (and that seems to not bode well), the house (which can speak to a best way to reach the potential of your placements) seems to have kept me from losing all discernment and ability to adapt. 

On the topic of revolution among other things, I feel conflicted. Helpless. Futile. I’m finding my way through that, but it is almost awe-inspiring to see a struggle mapped out in the charts while I go through it. 

Neptune: ♆ The Dreamer ~ Didn’t I say earlier I’m a bit grounded for a daydreamer? A lot of my daydreams (and borderline escapism lol) are rooted and threaded in reality (especially since covid and damn near martial law have changed everyone’s perceptions of such). I have some far out dreams, but the content in my head could be shockingly close to reality sometimes. I love playing Animal Crossing and other general life simulations and always have.

Your vision of an ideal world may center around respect for rules, order, responsibility, and morality. You need to believe in the realizability of your dreams, and this means that your fantasies usually have a very realistic thread to them. There is a conservative, possibly somewhat cynical element to your nature. Because general optimism/faith does not typically carry or motivate you, energy levels may not be high when you don’t believe in what you’re doing, and inspiration is not easy to find in the first place. However, you can turn a dream into reality more easily than most. Your vision is practical but also doable.

I really am this optimistic-pragmatic-realistic but hardworking ???? person. My Neptune was also in retrogrograde during my birth. It has not hindered my creativity but even that is met with rigid expectations and an expected method for madness. I could stand to be dreamier and I work to inspire a calming, soothing, dreamy atmosphere (essential oils, Virgo 4th house things). But this may be why I always have my brain never too far in the clouds. Not without stimuli. 

Pluto: ♇ The Transformer ~ Ah, Pluto is the Ruler of Scorpio. A deep cut in my chart but I have always had a bad habit of falling deep, deep into the well of a watery Scorpio even though I should know better. Renew and Rebirth hits my experience with them on the head. At it’s worst, these planetary placements can promote a hedonistic greediness. ‘Everyone is bad so I must be too’ and a real commitment to harming those before you can get smited (because we’ve all been smited). 

I don’t have a lot of water in my chart personally, but this can help account for my intensity in search of connections (and why unlike a lot of my peers I pull away for long periods and go all in again, almost cyclical in a place where everyone’s always booed up).

Pluto in Scorpio may try to remain positive so strongly that they find themselves in denial, finding out when it is too late about all that was happening right under their noses.

Bingo.

Being strong and able to deal comes with a certain detachedness, a wall others cannot or will not try to breach. Understanding this will help me bring some of it down, right?

Are you interested in hunting down your birth time now? Try paring some of these tidbits or do your own planet research and pair it with the rest of your chart. You might start getting answers. 

I’ve thought a lot about why I prefer to type things on here and post them vs just writing about them in a google or word document and keeping it personal and safe. Back in HS it was a way to communicate the thoughts and emotions that confused me and angered me to my friends as well as the therapeutic aspect of it. Now I think there’s something symbolic about posting it as kind of a way to send off all these emotions that are bottled up inside of me. Sometimes I’ll encounter people that say what’s the point of talking about it if it won’t change anything, but now that I think about it I don’t think the people in my life that say that actually feel that way. For the things that they just keep to themselves and say “there’s no point in talking about it” it’s just easier to do that than to have to face the anxieties and issues in your life that you may not have the ability to change; like getting fired from a job or other difficult situations that seem out of your control. For the things they can change, it’s also so anxiety inducing to talk about them if you’re struggling with making the change. Making a change is like the goal of gambling...you can accept there will be ups and downs but your main goal is for an upward slope of net winnings over time. Sometimes though when trying to make a change it feels like you’re just nose diving downwards and in those cases talking about it just feels like a reminder of your inadequacy. I think this is one of those things that everybody deep down knows and just saying they don’t want to talk about it because it won’t change anything is just a translation of I’m exhausted from it and don’t want to confront it right now or maybe even anytime soon. My go to is you know even if it doesn’t change anything talking about it will help. I’m realizing through typing this that’s probably not good advice and i have to try to pay more attention to the context of the situation before i say that. Maybe I do already though and don’t realize it. Next time someone says that to me I’ll have to just ask first if they’ve talked about it with anyone else. Knowing first hand how exhausting it is to talk about something you feel powerless over maybe I should stop trying to push for people to talk to me specifically. I always felt like I could give advice that the average person would not give in a lot of different situations but maybe I’m just giving myself too much credit. It’s disheartening to not be sure about where I stand in this...if I’m someone that people appreciate trying to give them a nudge to talk about the things they don’t want to or if it’s overbearing and results in them avoiding talking to me about these issues. I guess that’s what I get for being a skipping rock over the lake of life. Not delving into the depths of it results in this i guess. When you finally start thinking about it you’re just so unsure because of the lack of reflection it feels like there’s nothing to ground you. I think what my lifecoach would say here is to remind myself of my identity and work from there. idk though i’m having doubts. reminding myself of my identity won’t translate to people understanding my intentions and even if i have good intentions I can’t force someone to understand that. Everytime I try it just makes the situation 100x worse.

It’s hard to keep others perspectives in mind on a day to day basis. Sometimes no matter how hard I try I just cannot see from another side. Most times though I don’t even realize that I should be thinking about others perspective because I’m so wound up in my own. I could say i will try to be more cognizant of it but I’ve said that a million times in the past couple of years with no plan to change...then it just falls in the back of my mind until another shitty situation comes up that reminds me that this is an issue I’ve had and have been aware of that went unresolved and resulted in this shit situation and it just keeps happening. how do people even change while trying to keep up with life...I feel like I barely changed after putting my life on hold for over a year. change is so slow it’s discouraging. I’m sure everyone feels that way but it doesn’t make it any better lol. feels like these thoughts i’m having are thoughts I should’ve had five years ago. Better late than never doesn’t make me feel any better either.

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My whole life I’ve found myself caring too much about the most random things that would cause me to argue with people until I push them away because I’m so stubborn and relentless.

I don’t understand how after the points I made you still feel the same way. To me it felt like what it probably feels like to you when i’m stubborn about something. I was stubborn in this case too but it’s because i care about m and talked to her in that 1 year more than I’ve ever talked to anyone else in my life. she’s important to me and I know her intentions are always good even though you don’t see that even after i tried to explain it over and over it just got stale. I feel like it’s silly to decide what someone’s character is because of something so minuscule in the grand scheme of what makes up a whole ass being. just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it wrong and doesn’t mean there’s betrayal. everyone has the right to do that because itw ould be impossible to not judge people based off of tiny actions but it bothers me so much. I get that it’s because you care about your friend and I care about mine too but I feel responsible for silently ruining a friendship through speaking to you about anything and I regret it so much because it feels you completely contorted the mood behind what was said and it had an everlasting effect on a friendship that lasted longer than we’ve both known each other. something that was meant to be lighthearted and funny was taken so literally and seriously because your defensive about your friend. IDK how else to say the message and the words we made fun of were too mutually exclusive things. it’s like every other time I’ve told you that was supposed to be light hearted or funny and you just get so mad over it. I know it would be silly to blame you for that it just feels like inadequacy on my part for not thinking about how you would react to these things before I say them in the tone I do. everytime i say this shit in a joking tone I feel like it makesyou even madder for belittling the situation that you take so seriously and it makes me not want to tell you things but i also know that’s not a solution either and will just push you away but idk how to handle this. I wish i never told you. it’s so frustrating man. idt you feel any guilt about it because you probably think it’s for a’s best interest but i disagree with you whole heartedly which is why I feel even more strongly about it because through you this friendship was eroded to probably at this point nonexistence. you still won’t get that these were too separate things. I haven’t felt you were straightup wrong in a very long time but i feel that with this. you took something the wrong way then transferred that already incorrect thinking to fuck another relationshp up. i know it was for her best interest in your eyes but i feel like after the context I gave it should’ve opened your eyes a bit more but you just double down on your thinking and it’s frustrating. a taste of my own medicine i guess lol. based on your logic making fun of a word in a message doesn’t constitute bad character..especially when like a said 5 times she called me out for what i said. like what more would you want someone to do in that situation lol. finding humor in emotionally charged situations is a main *mature* coping mechanism in psychology. that’s steering a little too far away from the point though i guess. making fun of an unconventional word someone uses in an emotionally charged message doesn’t translate to making fun of the person or the message. even if it’s not completely independent things that doesn’t mean the satire was malicious or with bad intentions. why would you expect her to think about what she’s saying as deeply as you did when it’s just an everyday conversation lol. ‘i just feel she’s a shitty person for doing that’ when she probably never even thought about the joke again. you can say she could’ve looked at it through anita’s eyes but it’s so fucking hard to do that at baseline I literally struggle with it every day but when this one person does it this one time with a situation that MOST people would probably not think to think that way....to you it’s just black and white she’s a shitty person with bad character. I knw you know that’s not true so why are you being so stubborn about it. i feel like another reaosn you don’t like her is because she was there for me during that time you were really struggling in and thought i wasn’t but like take that out on me not on her. it feels like you are just so much less understanding to any girl in my life and way too understanding with me. I wish it would just balance out a bit more but you’re not a robot. i don’ tknow i’m just upset with how you see this person that’s important to me and that i care about and it ruined a friendship that it shouldn’t have. if i didn’t tell you that one joke things would still be good between them and it’s over something so stupid. i get to you it’s not stupid but take into consideration the context of the conversation at the time not how you want her to feel about it given what you know bc she knew prob 5% of the details you know about our situation so if you should be mad at anyone it’s me not her.

it’s frustrating that anytime i face some sort of emotional adversity i just want to drop everything do nothing and just be left alone. i’ve had the luxury of doing it in the past year with my year off but i have a feeling it’s gonna make it a harder habit to kick. i just wanna sleep and play video games and take my mind off of all of this.