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minamaybe · 22 days

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anyone else feel all consuming dread the day before something they've been looking forward to is happening or is that just me?

#in other news - I'm getting my first tattoo tomorrow and im this 👌 close to losing my mind lol #like ive wanted a tattoo for YEARS #i always knew this motive would be the one i wanna get #and now im second guessing everything bc i fundamentally distrust myself with my decisions #like what if it turns out not how i imagined #or what if it does and turns out the way i imagined it was always dumb and wrong #whenever i change my appearance in any way im gripped with terror bc i imagine people going “this is what she thinks looks good? okaayyy...”#and this is such a permanent change so im really freaking out lol #i know its very irrational #and that i have one wild and precious life and should use it to do what makes me happy #but sometimes my life long anxieties really come through strongly lol #anyway done ranting into The Void now #if anyone relates to these feelings and has some calming words that would be amazing #at the same time i really hope no one can relate bc this is so silly and annoying :(#mina mumbles

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bigfatbreak · 2 months

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Birds of a Feather previous / next

#my art #feralnette au #birds of a feather #long tags #sorry I went apeshit in the tags #LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW #I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO #its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical #and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread #as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational #in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away #and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do #shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again #legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it #but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings #alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird #she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her #knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself #between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot #and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo #essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that #busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way #to show her she's self sabotaging #cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD

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cowboy-robooty · 5 months

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primal fear

#VERY OLD DRAWING 😍😍😍#it looks like shit cuz its an hour doodle thing #little grayscale blending test #draws #IM TRYING TO GET OVER MY IRRATIONAL FEAR OF PEOPLE THINKING MY DRAWINGS ARE VENT ART WHEN THEYRE NOT #i just... dont want people to get the wrong idea about how i percieve the world and what my struggles are..#but this is mai personal blog i should post any drawings i think are a little cool #people should already know someone can explore themes without having a personal connection to them #shit is just interesting sometimes and its fun to be an outsider looking in #classic robooty essay in the tags LOOK I HAVE A LOT OF SAY THIS IS MY HOUSE AND ILL YAP AWAY!

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spearxwind · 10 months

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This is gonna be such a weird post but id like to know if other people have this problem as well. Do any of you feel like... really misplaced uh. Embarrassment when looking at pictures of people on your phone? Especially people who you actually know, including yourself. Because i have this issue where i find it hard looking at pictures of both me and others (my friends and loved ones) if they are not """perfect""" looking (whatever that means to my brain) because im afraid of people eventually seeing them and judging them as less than perfect or pointing out imperfections etc.

Even knowing that no one but me will ever see said pictures i am haunted by the fear that since the pictures arent like. Idk, magazine cover worthy then people will find them cringe or embarrassing or god forbid ugly (and im a lover of ugly candid pictures too. I think they're the most charming). The way that some people judge a person and their appearance based on a single picture. So I struggle a lot showing pictures of my friends to my family for example out of this fear, and i really struggle to just take pictures of myself that arent from my one Brain Approved Angle(tm)

#i very much feel like this is an effect of both social media and dysphoria in a horrid combo #i don't really know what to do about it but its a terrible way to live #struggling to open pics of me and my loved ones on my camera roll and actually focusing on them #its like that same irrational fear of mind readers (that I honestly have sometimes) but instead its 'someone will judge these or would judge #these unfairly someday if they could see'#thunderclap #idk if this makes sense but man if its not terrible.#it really sucks bc the closer i am to someone the more this affects me #maybe its because my choice of company has been endlessly scrutinised my whole life as well as my own appearance #unrebloggable so it doesnt escape containment #also I promise this is not a jab at my loved ones appearance at all it is literally just Brain Gunk

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i-will-physically-fight-you · 8 months

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hiya just a small psa, first off--thank you for those who sent in writing asks, I'm going to answer them soon. also I am going to try and update Gibbous on Oct 12 (as a bday treat for myself) but if it doesnt happen, then I'll just post a small teaser on here of what I have so far of it. My mental health is still a work in progress, despite my post after Spoke No More (iykyk in terms of having a mental high followed by an immediate mental low haha) but if I go radio silent on this blog, it doesnt mean anything bad, it just means I need to take time to care for myself

#kat talks #time to ramble in the tags: i think the worst part of going through a negative spiral is when you know youre dealing with irrational though #patterns but they do feel very real in the moment lmao #its so frustrating! anyways i am having a hard time with my bday coming up because due to Events in my life i feel like #i have aged five years in a negative way and I've weirdly been thinking of myself being much older than i actually am #it feels like im dealing with howls moving castle curse irl is the best way i can describe it #so anyways i do want to be able to finish Gibbous chapter so that is something positive i can look forward to for my bday #but im also not going to let my happiness depend on that #because I've placed my happiness in so many things this year only to be let down by it all #i do want to write more and interact in fandom in a more active way but i am going through a lot rn #so if we have talked in the past please know im not intentionally ignoring you! its not anything personal towards you i promise

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theheadlessgroom · 3 months

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@beatingheart-bride

The rest of the evening passed quietly, with Randall holding Emily's hand throughout the rest of the runtime, while Wilhelm mentally kicked himself for having made their guest so uncomfortable. He didn't know (he could he have?), granted, but that didn't really make him feel much better.

He knew what it was like to have what some would define as an irrational fear: There was a long stretch of time in Randall's childhood when taking baths was out of the question; after his accident, Wilhelm was quick to install a showerhead in the bathroom, so that he could at least take a shower after work. But even so, even the most shallow of kiddie pools or even a full sink gave him the shivers long after it happened, and to this day, he still wasn't all that keen on sitting in a full tub.

(He'd never confided this in anyone other than his family-he knew damn well the fellas at work would have a good laugh at his expense for it. Wilhelm Pace, who loomed willow tree-like above most of his coworkers and could sling heavy bags over his shoulder like it was nothing, was afraid of a little water? No, he could hear the teasing now, and maybe he could laugh about it now. But even with a little humor to take the edge off, he still wasn't able to shake that discomfort.)

And so, as he stood in the kitchen, pulling out what he hoped would be a little peace offering to Emily before she left for home, a little apology in the form of something sweet, he wondered if she was in the same boat; where something had happened in her youth that caused her to be so unsettled when it came to stories of vampires and the like. Maybe she caught Nosferatu on one of the late night channels as a youngster? Had a nightmare about Count Dracula hovering over her throat one night? He couldn't say. All he could say, really, was that he was sorry.

Coming back out into the living room, he flashed the young woman a sheepish smile as he handed Emily the little wrapped disc, saying, "Randall told me you liked the soda bread he made tonight, so I thought I'd share with ya a different sort I baked up the other day-more of a dessert-y bread, it's got raspberries and walnuts in it, and a little carraway seed too. I, uh, I hope you like it!"

#((most people probably would tease her for it! they'd see it as an irrational fear))#((because 'haha vampires don't exist what's there to be afraid of'-but the paces are a little more sensitive than that!))#((i love the idea of wilhelm being particularly sensitive on account of having an irrational fear himself))#((on account of his aquaphobia! he had a traumatic incident involving it and probably knows how other people))#((would react to hearing him admit this fear; so he's probably kept it to himself!))#((and of course we know emily's turning was very traumatic in its own right; especially compounded with randall's death))#((so her discomfort around vampire media is very understandable-and even if wilhelm doesn't know that now))#((he's still not gonna tease her about it! he's a sweet and sensitive guy; randall really does take after him!))#outofhatboxes #beatingheart-bride #V:Dark Shadows

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paging-possum · 1 month

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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....

#my art #gore #organs #its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all #like. its the Expectations #the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling #theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel #and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work #because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much #THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING #like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR #realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes #at the end of the day I am the you in that song #it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time #at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way #but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes #like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like #sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want #but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense #its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past #I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me #which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know #I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle #it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it #anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms #im going to bed

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skunkes · 1 year

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ive already talked about this at length in my feelings journal but i need to be insane here too sorry

Something I keep noticing is I've not really had any interest in consuming media... I've very much been living under a rock when it comes to it esp movies.

Lately I keep wanting to watch movies but stop myself because I want to do it with Somebody...but its not enough to do it with a friend, yknow? Idk, I wanna share that New Experience with someone closer than that.

So I don't watch stuff ! Partly because I wanna share it with somebody and the other part is...because doing so takes something away from me.

I'm not an interesting person. What usually stands out for people is the things I Haven't done. Like what do you mean you havent seen x? You haven't eaten y before? You havent done z? At your age??

All I have is what I Don't have! If you remove that then I'd have nothing...ykwim? I'm such a boring person, if I suddenly filled the gaps in all these experiences I've missed (like watching all the movies i wanna watch that ive never seen for example) then I'd have nothing New and Exciting to share with other persons...bc thats all i have lol...if that makes any sense at all.

#like what would I do if i met someone‚ friend or More‚ and we couldnt bond over movies ive never seen #idk #im not used to social experiences so this is also why i have a warped view on things #and its also funny bc it backfires on me bc ive now learned that in a Closer context i still dont wanna watch things with someone #because i catastrophize 24/7...like what if i watch it with You and then You and I Dissolve. id rather Save it.#but you cant ever know for sure if you'll stay connected with someone...ugh. its all so hard #anyway. stagnant npc moment #talkys #im aware you can Rewatch things. its irrational thinking for sure #i just want someone to Be there for My new experiences...! my Somebody...! i am Mentally Ill....#i have very little ways to connect with others...i want my new experiences to be shared with my someone...

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andromeda3116 · 10 months

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look, there are definitely aspects of adhd that are useful, or at least fun (tell me that getting into a hyperfocus groove - no matter how ultimately rough the "waking up from it and realizing that seven hours have passed and it's 3AM" part may be - isn't enjoyable at the time), but most of it just sucks and listen

the "rejection sensitivity dysphoria" part might be the worst

#it's definitely the most embarrassing #like i cannot take it when people don't like me and say bad things to me and so i structure most of my personality to arrange things #so people don't hurt me #and when they do hurt me i react like a kicked puppy and that just makes everything worse #i mean. jesus. i want to tell myself ''act like a fucking adult and take the fucking hit'' but my body reacts on its own #it's like it skips my conscious brain and screeches right into panic no matter how hard i mentally try to calm it #like i'm not actually irrational! my higher-level thinking is being *very* rational! it's the stuff underneath that's freaking tf out!#i know the ''it's not me it's my shit brain'' thing is a weak excuse but like. i am actively TRYING not to react this way #i am actively TRYING to calm that part of me and measure my reactions #but the body-level panic and the deep-rooted irrational childish sense of ''they all hate me now they think i'm crazy''#grips me by the throat #it's beneath my conscious thought and refuses to be constrained by it #i am not actually thinking - in so many words - ''they all hate me now''#my gut is just feeling it and tying itself into knots around my nerves and i am trying to calm it down but nothing seems to work #...*sigh*#add this post and these tags to the list of ''things to discuss with my therapist''

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nomaishuttle · 6 months

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its also like . ok sry im going on bc im tired and ive upset myself lol but its like. to have somebody who knows i grew up in poverty call me greedy and selfish bc he pressured me into moving up here when i didnt have the money so i Had to rely on him financially. and then i couldnt pay him back while i was literally unemployed. to have him call me greedy and selfish and entitled and lazy was. insanely upsetting

#like he knew that a lot of the money i earned went directly to paying my families bills and literally feeding them and he still. said that #to me. and then when i got upset he spun it as me being irrational and playing the victim and always guilttripping him like. idk. idk.#i try rly hard not to think abt that bc it just makes me feel horrific but like. i was already so insanely paranoid about spending money #any Non essential purchase made me spiral and then that just made it. so much worse . i told him from the start i didnt have much money and #he said it was fine and i told him from the start id pay him back as quickly as i could and he said it was fine and then he just #he completely ghosted me he never talked to me he slept downstairs and he spent more time with one of our roommates than he did me #and now i. know why he did that lol #but whatever. but he iced me out and the only time he ever talked to me was to tell me i was being greedy for not paying him back #or if i literally fuckjng. begged him to do skmething with me #and then hed spend like 1 hour completely checked out but technically sitting in the same room as me and i just. idk. that relationship #genuinely like. fucked me up. and now i reakize it wasnt Just since i moved here and a lot of the like. stripping me of.my identity and #pressuring me into doing. certain things when i wasnt comfortable with them and guilttripping me if i did try to stand up for myself. now i #realize that had been going on nearly since the start but it fucking. rly hurts. basically #and to top it all of he knew i struggle with very severe depression and i have since i was a kid and he knew i specifically struggle a lot #with hygiene and he knew how gross that makes me feel. and he still called me disgusting for it. and in every argument he had he would #hold the fact i owed him money over my head and i judt. i dont know what i was supposed to do. and i realize now there was jothing bc he #was already. yk. and probably had been for a while but it just. rly fucking sucks basically.#like even now a few months out i get genuinely nauseous when i buy something that isnt Absolutely essential.#and i try to force myself to buy like. a small nice thing for myself every once in a while i buy 1 coffee and 1 breakfast food every week #on saturday to try n like. make sure i know its ok 4 me to do that and it doesnt make me selfish but like. it still makes me feel sick

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barnbridges · 4 months

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i think being autistic is like. i dont even have an attachment style. i dont even have attachments bro.

#um something under-represented is that #in my experience (and very theorized by actual physicians) most autistic people have an inferiority complex #that is innane simply to how. we are treated in this world #and how often we face rejection or being misunderstood or being generally different #and this severs greatly our ability to connect to people and how we form relationships #because you always um think there's innerly something wrong with you (and there is) and #i cannot i think define my attachments because i have such insane trust issues #i dont think anyone really cares about me or wants to be my friend or be close to me #i don't know how people think of themselves as my friends #because im such a lingering malignant figure #youre like but isnt this inner no bitch #usually i think my parents also hate me and everyone in my family hates me #i am very prone to um #my mother just pointed out that i seem sadder than usual and im like how do you KNOW #my rational brain knows my mother (as narcissistic and awful as she can be) loves me and has proven it to me time and time again #but my irrational brain is like she cannot possibly ever love me why would she love me #its um. i think literally all of us have this insecurity and instability thats just inherent #idk #which is also why i lose friends i think

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mayclair · 2 years

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the whole max and mike’s lives being foils of each other’s is so insane to me bc its like. for mike max is a representation of everything that could have happened to him if his mom left his dad earlier on (and what can still happen when you look at the way things are between them) and for max mike is a representation of everything that she could have had growing up if her mom hadn’t decided to leave her dad as fast as she did