I bet Jar Jar is fucking hung like a whale. God he can raw me anyday.

I spent like two? Three? Entire weeks with this sitting in my askbox and I just. I got nothing. What could I possibly answer? I tried all the “nope” gifs in this god forsaken website, I tried to draw what my face looks like every time I read this, I tried to find fanart of jar jar with his wang out and the universe was kind enough to me so that I couldn’t find any. I got nothing. Nada. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. What am I gonna say? What in god’s name am I gonna say to that?!

You see, I wanna fuck general grievous. I do. I want him use all his four arms to simultaneously pull both my arms back and touch my tits as he fucks me with his mecha-schlong. I do. I wanna fuck darth Maul, pre-legs cut off or post metal legs+metal dick enhancement. I wanna lick those horns. Okay? I wanna fuck darth vader. Boy, oh, boy, I do. I wanna hear that hard breathing and wrap my legs over that dramatic cape while he force-chokes me and we do the do. Am I a weird robot-fucker? You bet your ass I am! Am I a tad too much on the horny side? Probably. Did I extrapolate my right to be horny on main? Fucking sue me. But this. THIS.

How do you want me to face my family and all the three (3) friends I have irl? How do you want me to walk into an elevator with a bunch of strangers and when an old lady says “the weather has been a little hot lately, isn’t it weird?” just to do small talk like every fucking old people I don’t know do, how do you expect me not to answer her with “y’know what’s weirder, someone at this very moment is thinking about Jar Jar Binks going balls-deep in them and I cannot talk about this to anyone and the knowledge of this? it’s eating me alive. ALIVE, ma’am, and I don’t mean this as some sick vore reference. Someone’s dreaming of those popped-up eyes, of that weird high-pitched voice screaming MEESA COMING while they’re filled up by Jar Jar Bink’s thick seed, and I’m just standing here while this very notion rots me to the core, taking all life away from me. It’s a nightmare. My entire life, a nightmare, because of an anon message from a horny jar jar fucker on tumblr. This is my floor now, ma’am, have a good day”

I leave the elevator. I probably have an appointment, but I can’t remember where, or what for. I sit down on the floor by the elevator doors. I sob for a full minute. I take the elevator back downstairs, I walk home, I collapse in bed and rub one out thinking of darth vader. I feel better.

Five minutes later, I think about this ask again, and my whole world collapses again. It’s only Tuesday. I sigh heavily and sit down to write this reply.-

Edit: a lot of this is exaggeration. Some of it is true. You get to pick what exactly.

Whoever invented "open in app" links that redirect you to the app store instead of actually opening the app even when you already have the app installed on your phone should be involuntarily turned into a beanbag chair

i feel like a lot of Discourse (read: fandom wank) happens in places that have forgotten or never learned the death of the author theory

(which i know is not sacrosanct but it is very useful for handling fandom spaces, particularly fraught ones)

for those who don't know, the death of the author theory goes like this: as far as the work is concerned, the author dropped dead the second that the final word was published, and thus cannot comment, object to, clarify, or expand on anything that is not on the page.

my understanding is that it's most strictly used to mean that that the author's interpretation of the work doesn't matter, but can be expanded to state that nothing which is not on the page matters. imo, the expanded definition is particularly useful for fandoms and needs to be adopted on a larger scale.

because what it means is this:

it doesn't matter what the creator(s) intended. it doesn't matter what they said in an interview. it doesn't matter what the actors think, it doesn't matter what supplemental materials say or imply, even if they're signed off on by the creator(s). it doesn't matter if everyone involved in making it hates your interpretation and says that it's wrong.

they don't get to say that it's wrong. they dropped dead the second the last episode/book ended. their interpretation is simply one more in a vast sea of others.

listen to me, fandom spaces. i am taking your face in both of my hands. embrace the death of the author. you will no longer be bound to the (possibly fickle) words of the creator(s), your interpretation can no longer be the wrong one. if the text can be used to support it in any way, even twisty ways, it's valid. you don't have to jump through hoops to defend it against haters who say you're wrong.

the death of the author. open your heart to it. live it. be free.

thinking about the poll about canon vs non-canon ships that didn't define terms, and the current fandom focus on things "going canon," so i made up a scale.

this is NOT a question about whether canon matters to what you ship (or matters at all), just how to define the phrase "canon ship."

many ships start low on the scale and slow burn their way up, so vote for the point when you would have called them "canon." i agonized over the order (especially #4-6) for a day and a half, but i went with the order in which i think joe random with a nielsen ratings box and no tumblr account would notice/call something a romantic relationship.

you came back wrong and i am racked with guilt because i cannot bear to see you like this and i should have let you rest. i loved you so much that i defied death itself but i do not think either of us are happy

Once upon a time…

“Lord Byron gets up at two. I get up, quite contrary to my usual custom … at 12. After breakfast we sit talking till six. From six to eight we gallop through the pine forest which divide Ravenna from the sea; we then come home and dine, and sit up gossiping till six in the morning. I don’t suppose this will kill me in a week or fortnight, but I shall not try it longer. Lord B.’s establishment consists, besides servants, of ten horses, eight enormous dogs, three monkeys, five cats, an eagle, a crow, and a falcon; and all these, except the horses, walk about the house, which every now and then resounds with their unarbitrated quarrels, as if they were the masters of it… . [P.S.] I find that my enumeration of the animals in this Circean Palace was defective … . I have just met on the grand staircase five peacocks, two guinea hens, and an Egyptian crane. I wonder who all these animals were before they were changed into these shapes.”

— Percy Bysshe Shelley on the lifestyle of Lord Byron (via timemarauder)

i miss the part of fandom where we would watch together in real time then hiatus would be a feral expanse of creativity that would bring such innovative fics to the masses that it was just a wild time. it's just harder to tap into that now. i guess we still can but gosh what a time it was. speaking as an introvert who has a hard time keeping in touch it was great to jump on and just be with everyone's enthusiasm. some of my favourite things were jumping on a crack pairing or just taking one throw away line and world building with other fans with that

I might be wrong, but iirc you’ve been involved in fandoms for a while, and I was wondering if you had any thoughts about the degradation of fannish spaces as a result of shows no longer releasing on an episode-per-week basis, and if you think that the fandoms surrounding Game Changer and Fantasy High function differently from most *because* those shows release once a week (or in the case of Game Changer, once every other week with behind-the-scenes on the alternate weeks). I’m not super involved in any fandoms, but of the ones I have been in, Game Changer and Fantasy High have been the most consistently interactive (for lack of a better term), in the sense that there’s week-by-week fanart, meta, memes, etc that correlate to the specific episodes. However, my first interactions with *any* fandoms were in 2019ish, so I don’t have a good sense of what pre-streaming fandoms were like and my point of comparison is pretty limited. I’m not sure if you’ve seen Fantasy High, but I know you’ve posted some Game Changer stuff, and you seem pretty knowledgeable about the evolution of fandom culture in general so I figured I might as well ask what your thoughts on it are :) (if you have other examples of shows that still release weekly that you think are relevant I’m also interested in hearing those—I just picked Game Changer and Fantasy High cause those are the ones I’m familiar with)

I'm not really involved in fannish spaces. I just like things.

I feel like Bruce Wayne projects the kind of amiable playboy 'fun' vibe that he'd be the type of celebrity that certain interviewers feel comfortable surprising with puppies.

You know the kind of shows I mean.

The late-night talk show situations where they're making benign small talk with their smiling guest, and there's a segment where animals get brought out, usually to talk about some sort of ecological relief effort.

So you're watching your trash TV talk show late at night, and you get to watch billionaire pretty boy Bruce Wayne be begrudgingly talked into holding a (relatively) harmless creature which inevitably gets a lot of delighted shrieks from the audience as it starts being a lot more active than the handler promised. And to his credit, Bruce doesn't flinch, he doesn't freak out. But his eyes are a little wide, and his voice a little tight as the smile on his face takes on a slight rictus quality before he's inevitably rescued by an apologetic handler who is also laughing because they all know there was no real danger, it was just funny to put Bruce, who is an undeniable good sport and already laughing along, out of his comfort zone for the sake of charity.

Meanwhile, up in the Justice League headquarters, several founding members of the League are wondering how fast they can get a fake Oscar award shipped to the space station because fuck off. Absolutely fuck off, Bruce. Where the fuck did he study? Juilliard? (Probably.)

(Clark ends up going to a novelty store during the commercial break. It's faster than trying to get anything shipped, even with the infrastructure Bats built for them. He finds it several days later taped to his console in a conspicuously empty briefing room. It's gaudy and awful, the words "Best Actor" engraved on the plaque. No one's around to see him smile. No one comments when it vanishes. Everyone thinks it's been yeeted out an airlock. Dick absolutely comments when it shows up in the manor, stashed in one of the trophy cases that sprung up for all the bat kids' school awards. Bruce has no idea how it got there. Must have been Alfred. (It was not.))

Anyway, consider, for your amusement, Bruce Wayne getting highjacked on The Gotham Toight Show with a handful of wriggling puppies and, for a split second, not having to pretend he's delighted to be there.

I guess friendly reminder that you can't actually judge someone's socioeconomic status based on what they own and the classic republican "they can't be poor they own a smart phone/computer" argument doesn't suddenly stop being complete out of touch nonsense when a poor person makes it.

Anyway insert "y'all can't be trusted to eat the rich bcs you'll target taco bell shift leaders and people with playstations instead of actual billionaires" post here.

i feel like high school/middle school sitcoms set the unrealistic expectation of being able to have lunch time outside

You, a heroic paladin have successfully slain a fearsome dragon. But the dragon warns you that death is but a door, and dragons don’t die, they reincarnate. You paid it no mind….until your son was born with golden, slitted eyes.