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orthodoxadventure · 2 months

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The next Sunday is called "Meat-Fare" because during the week following it a limited fasting -- abstention from meat -- is prescribed by the Church. This prescription is to be understood in the light of what has been said about the meaning of preparation. The church begins now to "adjust" us to the great effort which she will expect from us seven days later. She gradually takes us into that effort -- knowing our frailty, foreseeing our spiritual weakness.

On the eve of that day (Meat-Fare Saturday), the Church invites us to a universal commemoration of all those who have "fallen asleep in the hope of resurrection and life eternal." This is indeed the Church's great day of prayer for her departed members. To understand the meaning of the connection between Lent and the prayer for the dead, one must remember that Christianity is the religion of love. Christ left with his disciples not a doctrine of individual salvation but a new commandment "that they love one another," and He added: "By this shall all know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Love is thus the foundation, the very life of the Church which is, in the words of Saint Ignatius of Antioch, the "unity of faith and love." Sin is always absence of love, and therefore separation, isolation, war of all against all. The new life given by Christ and conveyed to us by the Church is, first of all, a life of reconciliation, of "gathering into oneness of those who were dispersed," the restoration of love broken by sin. But how can we even begin our return to God and our reconciliation with Him if in ourselves we do not return to the unique new commandment of love? Praying for the dead is an essential expression of the Church as love. We ask God to remember those whom we remember and we remember them because we love them. Praying for them we meet them in Christ who is Love and who, because He is Love, overcomes death which is the ultimate victory of separation and lovelessness. In Christ there is no difference between living and dead because all are alive to Him. He is the life and the Life is the light of man. Loving Christ, we love all those who are in Him; loving those who are in Him, we love Christ: this is the law of the Church and the obvious rationale for her of prayer for the dead. It is truly our love in Christ that keeps them alive because it keeps them "in Christ," and how wrong, how hopelessly wrong, are those Western Christians who either reduce prayer for the dead to a juridical doctrine of "merits" and "compensations" or simply reject it as useless. The great Vigil for the Dead of Meatfare Saturday serves as a pattern for all other commemorations of the departed and it is repeated on the second, third, and fourth Saturdays of Lent.

[Continued under readmore]

It is love again that constitutes the theme of "Meat-Fare Sunday." The Gospel lesson for the day is Christ's parable of the Last Judgement (Matt. 25:31-46). When Christ comes to judge us, what will be the criterion of His judgement? The parable answers: love -- not a mere humanitarian concern for abstract justice and the anonymous "poor," but concrete and personal love for the human person, any human person, that God makes me encounter in my life. This distinction is important because today more and more Christians tend to identify Christian love with political, economic, and social concerns; in other words, they shift from the unique person and its unique personal destiny, to anonymous entities such as "class," "race," etc. Not that these concerns are wrong. It is obvious that in their respective walks of life, in their responsibilities as citizens, professional men, etc., Christians are called to care, to the best of their possibilities and understanding, for a just, equal, and in general more humane society. All this, to be sure, stems from Christianity and may be inspired by Christian love. But Christian love as such is something different, and this difference is to be understood and maintained if the Church is to preserve her unique mission and not become a mere "social agency," which definitely she is not.

Christian love is the "possible impossibility" to see Christ in another man, whoever he is, and whom God, in His eternal and mysterious plan, has decided to introduce into my life, be it only for a few moments, not as an occasion for a "good deed" or an exercise in philanthropy, but as the beginning of an eternal companionship in God Himself. For, indeed, what is love if not that mysterious power which transcends the accidental and the external in the "other" -- his physical appearance, social rank, ethnic origin, intellectual capacity -- and reaches the soul, the unique and uniquely personal "root" of a human being, truly the part of God in him? If God loves every man it is because He alone knows the priceless and absolutely unique treasure, the "soul" or "person" He gave every man. Christian love then is the participation in that divine knowledge and the gift of that divine love. There is no "impersonal" love because love is the wonderful discovery of the "person" in "man," of the personal and unique in the common and general. It is the discovery in each man of that which is "lovable" in him, of that which is from God.

In that respect, Christian love is sometimes the opposite of "social activism" which one so often identifies Christianity today. o a "social activist" the object of love is not "person" but man, an abstract unit of a not less abstract "humanity." But for Christianity, man is "lovable" because he is person. There person is reduced to man; here man is seen only as person. The "social activist" has no interest for the personal, and easily sacrifices it to the "common interest." Christianity may seem to be, and in some ways actually is, rather sceptical about that abstract "humanity," but it commits a mortal sin against itself each time it gives up its concern and love for the person. Social activism is always "futuristic" in its approach; it always acts in the name of justice, order, happiness to come, to be achieved. Christianity cares little about that problematic future but puts the whole emphasis on the now -- the only decisive time for love. The two attitudes are not mutually exclusive, but they must not be confused. Christians, to be sure, have responsibilities towards "this world" and they must fulfil them. This is the area of "social activism" which belongs entirely to "this world." Christian love, however, aims beyond "this world." It is itself a ray, a manifestation of the Kingdom of God; it transcends and overcomes all limitations, all "conditions" of this world because its motivation as well as its goals and consummation is in God. And we know that even in this world, which "lies in evil," the only lasting and transforming victories are those of love. To remind man of this personal love and vocation, to fill the sinful world with this love -- this is the true mission of the Church.

The parable of the Last Judgement is about Christian love. Not all of us are called to work for "humanity," yet each one of us has received the gift and the grace of Christ's love. We know that all men ultimately need this personal love -- the recognition in them of their unique soul in which the beauty of the whole creation is reflected in a unique way. We also know that men are in prison and are sick and thirsty and hungry because that personal love has been denied them. And, finally, we know that however narrow and limited the framework of our personal existence, each one of us has been made responsible for a tiny part of the Kingdom of God, made responsible by that very gift of Christ's love. Thus, on whether or not we have accepted this responsibility, on whether we have loved or refused to love, shall we be judged. For "inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these My brethren, you have done it unto Me. . ."

--Rev Dr. Alexander Schmemann: Great Lent - Journey to Pascha

#Alexander Schmemann #Christianity #Orthodox Christianity #The Last Judgement #Lent

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queerprayers · 1 year

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Some people have asked, so here are some ways I come to my Sundays-in-Lent practice! This is just how I think about it, not a handbook. You're free to come to your practice in whatever way is fulfilling for you.

If I'm adding something small to my practice, I usually keep up the rhythm of it on Sundays. Sometimes starting a habit is the hardest part, so I don't want to have to restart it every week! Keeping it every day helps me make the time for it. This year I'm learning how to say the rosary :) (I'm not gonna end up Catholic any time soon, but y'all really created the ultimate stimming/fidgeting-as-prayer practice.)

Occasionally things I do for Lent include Sundays just for practical reasons. The year I only read religious books for Lent, it would have been a huge distraction to start a novel on Sunday, and I would have to wait a week to read the next chapter, which with my memory isn't sustainable. This year my Lord of the Rings reading plan is still going strong :)

There are some harder/more tiring things, though, that I give myself a rest from. I'm disabled and have limited energy, and there are some things I genuinely couldn't do every day for weeks without a break. Sundays are a rest in these instances, a time to check in with the practice and reflect on how it's going. Any physical practice like yoga goes in this category for me.

If I'm giving up something genuinely harmful, like in the past when I've used Lent to renew my commitment to recovery, then I of course also continue on Sundays, and I obviously try to continue on with that commitment after Lent.

And of course, something I hold close to my heart: If I'm giving up any little thing, any food/drink item or small pleasure, this is my Sunday feast. I've pretty consistently given up soda for Lent in the past few years, and Sunday is my soda day right now! I explained more about this in the other post, but my little Easters can't include literal fasting, and can't include denying small pleasures.

I hope this gives you some things to think about! Let today be a checkpoint, a rest stop on the journey. It's not over, and we're still in the wilderness, and you are so beloved. Memento mori, and memento vivere. To dust we shall return, but we have this moment at least.

And a final note: If you started a Lenten practice that you're not sure about, that's feeling unnecessary or harmful or confusing, today might be a great day to leave it aside and reflect on it. Is it serving you? Is it preparing you for Holy Week and Easter? And here's your permission, if you need it, to leave it here. Multiple years I tried to get back to "properly" fasting, and each time I couldn't do it, it was too triggering. You are allowed to make the holy decision of giving up what isn't fulfilling you. Obviously some things might not make sense to you just yet, or you haven't got into the rhythm yet--sometimes we have to let the practice happen even as we're not sure where it's going. And a hard journey can be all the more fulfilling. But if something's genuinely negatively affecting you, or self-punishing, or dragging you somewhere you don't want to worship from, Sunday is a good day to let it go. A foretaste of the feast to come, which is freedom.

<3 Johanna

#I probably shouldn't drink as much soda the rest of the year also. ah well one thing at a time #ok to rb

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wizardysseus · 1 year

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lent 2023: what i read, watched, and listened to

i gave up reading fiction for lent, which freed up... um... a lot of time.

read:

Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation by Kristin Kobes DuMez [audiobook]

The Evangelicals: The Struggle to Shape America by Frances Fitzgerald [audiobook]

Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again by Rachel Held Evans

The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth by Beth Allison Barr [audiobook]

The Bible With and Without Jesus: How Jews and Christians Read the Same Stories Differently by Amy-Jill Levine and Marc Zvi Brettler*

Wholehearted Faith by Rachel Held Evans with John Chu [audiobook; this was posthumously finished and narrated by her friends, so it can be a lot.]

Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding the Church by Rachel Held Evans [audiobook; this is almost the only book on the list that i rated under 4 stars, only because i found it less cohesive and compelling than the previous two books of hers i had just read. my extremely general opinion on rhe is that i dislike her writing voice in a lot of inconsequential ways, but appreciate her thoughts on a much deeper and more important level.]

watched:

Same God (2018, documentary) [i was a student at wheaton college when this happened. watching it happen again felt about 10 years long.]

The Eyes of Tammy Faye (2021)

I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye (2018) [this film is in no way a wholesale rejection of purity culture, but it was interesting to me, especially followed by the podcast episodes I Kissed Christianity Goodbye and Reflections on Christian Celebrity. if you're interested in what happened in josh harris' church before all of this, this is a great article. tw for sexual and spiritual abuse, including but not limited to csa.]

other nonfiction read, though not for my lenten study:

The Library Book by Susan Orlean

Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel

The Fire Never Goes Out: A Memoir in Pictures by ND Stevenson

Overdue: Reckoning with the Public Library by Amanda Oliver [this is the other book that i rated under 4 stars; it resulted in such mixed feelings that i wrote a goodreads review, which i hate doing.]

Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott

An Odyssey: A Father, a Son, and an Epic by Daniel Mendelsohn*

*still reading

#captain's reading log #church blogging #lostariel watches

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whereareroo · 1 year

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RULES?

WF THOUGHTS (2/26/23).

Let's make a deal. I won't make fun of your religion if you don't make fun of mine. OK?

Of course, I'm still free to poke fun at my own religion. It's more acceptable when somebody makes fun of themself.

In the Catholic Church, we just started the season of Lent. It's a 40-day period of reflection as preparation for the arrival of Easter.

Even if you're not Catholic, everybody knows one thing about Lent. You're not supposed to eat meat on Friday! Lent is supposed to be a somber period that includes sacrifice. Fridays in Lent are supposed to be particularly somber because the crucifixion occurred on a Friday. In the days of the early Church, meat was a food that was consumed at celebrations. Abstaining from meet on Fridays during Lent became a traditional sacrifice in remembrance of Good Friday.

When I was a Catholic school kid, the school smelled like a fish market on Fridays during Lent. Our school was not equipped for "hot lunches." We all brought brown bags from home. On Fridays during Lent, I bet that 75% of the kids brought a tuna fish sandwich. (The alternative was PB&J.) All of those tuna sandwiches sat, unrefrigerated, in the classroom until lunchtime. The odor intensified when everybody unwrapped their sandwich.

At home, our dinner on Lenten Fridays was spaghetti and fish sticks. I always liked fish sticks. I still do.

I grew up on Long Island. Our Church was under the jurisdiction of the Archdiocese of New York. Saint Patrick's Cathedral, in Manhattan, is the top cathedral in the Archdiocese. The Cathedral is called St. Patrick's because New York City has always had a close connection with the Irish people.

During Lent, the Archbishop in New York was frequently faced with a "corned beef" problem. What happens if St. Paddy's Day falls on a Friday in Lent? Can we really expect the faithful to abstain from corned beef? Of course not! The Archbishop always issued a special exception that allowed for the consumption of corned beef on Lenten Fridays. As a kid, I was always confused by this suspension of the rules. It seemed like cheating to me.

Over time, I learned that the cheating wasn't limited to corned beef. I started to wonder if the Catholics really had any rules at all.

In the Quebec region of Canada, the Bishops ruled that a beaver was actually a fish. Why? Because, like a fish, it propelled itself through the water with its tail. Hence, the faithful were free to enjoy beaver meat on Fridays during Lent.

Not to be outdone, and relying on the logic from Quebec, the Bishops in Michigan ruled that a muskrat is so comparable to a fish that it too can be consumed on Fridays in Lent. Amongst Catholics from Michigan, there is a joke that a muskrat--which admittedly is a semi-aquatic animal--is a "four-legged fish." Who says the Catholics don't have a sense of humor?

The largest rodent in the world is a beast called a capybara. It's a mammal. Some time in the 1700s, some Catholic priests in Venezuela noticed that the animal tended to live in the water, had webbed feet, and tasted like fish. They asked the Vatican to rule that it was a fish. The Vatican granted that request. To this day in Venezuela, capybara is eaten as "fish" on Fridays in Lent.

The exceptions to the "no meat" rule abound. It's no wonder that so many Catholics have created their own exceptions to other rules. I have no problem with many of the deviations. After all, many of the "rules" cannot be found anywhere in the Bible. I suspect that God isn't very fixated on many of the silly rules. When Pope Francis is asked about strict compliance with insignificant rules, he frequently replies: "Who am I to judge?" Isn't he 100% correct?

I'm not likely to try beaver, or muskrat, or capybara. I do, however, enjoy the fish sandwich at McDonald's. It was created in 1962 when a local franchisee noticed that he wasn't selling as many hamburgers on Fridays during Lent. Even though today is Sunday, I think I'll head to McDonald's right now for a Filet-O-Fish. Is there a rule against that?

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fairfieldthinkspace · 1 year

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People Need Ash Wednesday

Paul Rourke, S.J.

Vice President for Mission and Ministry

People need Ash Wednesday. (People who never come to church on a Sunday, which is a holy day of obligation, come today, which isn’t.) Why is that? More specifically than their need for the day is people’s need for its symbol – the smudge, sometimes shaped like a cross, of ash on their heads. People who can’t make it to a service or Mass will come by and say, “Father, can I get my ash?”

Part of it can be explained as a desire for belonging. When everyone else has the ash on their forehead we don’t want to be left out. But does it go deeper? Why does this symbol speak to us so powerfully? Why do we all want our ash, a symbol of mourning and penance? Ash is the residue of a fire burned out: in our case the palms from Palm Sunday burned, palms that evoked Jesus’s triumphant entry into Jerusalem preceding his death on the cross when the crowd and the authorities turned against him. In one symbol we have triumph and betrayal, fire and death. Perhaps the ash reminds us of happy times around a camp fire, or perhaps some of us even know that ash in former times was used to make soap and can be used as a purifying agent. Maybe all of these elements tell us why we need this day.

This day begins our pilgrimage toward Easter, the final and total triumph of Christ; but we know that before the triumph comes betrayal, betrayal by those closest to him. We know that the fiery preacher and Messiah whom the disciples placed their hopes in dies. His fire is spent on the cross. Perhaps the sign of ash on our heads, the tiny smudgy cross, can remind us of all that: of our birth through baptism into the great mystery of our redemption, into the fire of divine love, into Christ’s death and resurrection, of hope triumphing in and through our frail humanity.

These days of Lent we now begin invite us to live this mystery with intensity and purpose. Ash speaks to us with stark simplicity. Our Lent should be stark and simple: focused on the essentials of our life in Christ. To help us the Church gives us three powerful tools, proven through the centuries to help us grow in holiness: prayer, fasting, and almsgiving.

We need to pray as though our lives depend on it, because they do. Prayer is not a luxury to indulge in our spare time: it’s the food and oxygen of our souls. When we don’t pray our hearts turns to ash, and the world grows dark and bitter. Our campus has a spirituality center, a Jesuit Community, and a dedicated Campus Ministry staff to help you pray. Take advantage of them. You have a chapel and a Walking Examen. Please use them. Don’t wait. Start now. Don’t overthink it: just do it. Pray. Don’t wait for the perfect time. Just pray. It’s not the cherry on top of the dessert of Christian life: it’s a whole meal! Pray.

Fasting. I’ve just talked about dessert and now fasting. We fast to remind ourselves of our dependence on God for everything. We fast to be in greater solidarity with our brothers and sisters who do not have enough to eat. We fast to grow in interior freedom from the attachments that distract us from our life in Christ. When people ask me about what they should give up for Lent, I often advise screen time. I think I am echoing mental health experts in saying that there is no greater threat to our peace and mental health than the amount of time we spend on our devices. How many of us let our lives get sucked away by the time we spend on our phones? We all know it’s an addiction, and as such, we may need help in restoring a proper balance in the use of our phones. Ask yourself: how free am I to limit the use of my phone? How free am I to live my life without the constant need to check social media? If you really are free and have it under control, then Glory, Hallelujah! Give up chocolate for Lent. But if you’re not free, then make this the Lent you try to get your screen time and social media usage under control. Or the Lent when you admit your need for help, because you realize you can’t control yourself in how you use it.

Finally, almsgiving. Looking around at all the people who have ashes on their foreheads reminds us of the community we share. Almsgiving reminds us of the community we are called to be: a community in solidarity with those most in need, a community committed to justice in society. Catholic Social Teaching tells us that the goods of this earth have a universal destination. That means they’re meant for the good of everyone. We cannot be a faithful Christian community and ignore people without food or shelter. If prayer is not the cherry on the dessert but the whole meal of Christian life, then almsgiving is the whole meal we share. It’s the realization that a meal becomes Christian when it is shared. We see that in its perfect form in the Eucharist. But as in the Eucharist sacrifice is required. Somehow, we have to feel the bite of our almsgiving, not for masochistic reasons. We sacrifice our comfort because others are starving. We sacrifice our comfort because others don’t have the necessities of life. What are we going to do this Lent to bring others to the table of our feast? It’s not an idle question. Read Matthew 25, if you need reminding of the stakes.

Prayer, fasting, and almsgiving: our back-to-basics program for Lent. May our embrace of them bring us a good Lent and even better Easter!

#Fairfield University #Ash Wednesday #almsgiving #Lent #Examen

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barbaramoorersm · 1 year

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February 26, 2023

First Sunday on Lent

Genesis 2:7-9, 3:1-7

This story relates the mistake made by both the first woman and first man.

Psalm 51

This psalm is filled with a desire for forgiveness.

Romans 5: 12-19

Paul repeats the story of the “fall” of humankind and the gracious grace we receive from Christ as we seek forgiveness for our sins.

Matthew 4:1-11

Matthew shares the familiar story of the temptations Jesus’ faced in the desert.

Our reading from Genesis is one of two creation stories and it is the author’s way of sharing that humankind was not God, and that all of us from Adam and Eve to the present, had and do have weaknesses and failures. This story is an attempt to share answers asked over thousands of years ago; answers to why we have these failures.

I believe that the theologian, Matthew Fox is correct when he describes humankind as an “Original Blessing.” For me, there is a better definition of “Original Sin” than what we have been told. We enter the world carrying the reality that we are human, and capable of making mistakes and we sin. Baptism gives us a community to deal with our limits and follow the teachings of Christ. We are an “Original Blessing.” This powerful way of describing the beauty of humankind is true, but we know our original limits as human beings. Our blessed humanity in no ways reduces the presence of temptations and the difficult choices we all must make from time to time. Ancient human beings, Jesus, and Paul all understood this reality.

You and I as “Original Blessings” are baptized, but like Jesus after his baptism by John we grow and face the reality of temptations. They may be as attractive as Jesus’ choices were when he was tempted. Often in times of hardship or worry we face these temptations just as Jesus did in the desert. He must have experienced hunger and loneliness. Perhaps he went to the desert to come to a greater understanding of his own call.

Matthew places this temptation story between two important events about John the Baptist. One is Jesus’ baptism by John, and the other is news of John’s arrest.

The Tempter, according to Matthew, goes right to the heart of Jesus’ role by stating, “If you are the Son of God,” then take the following actions. Scholars at times label his temptations with descriptions. Stone into bread would give him great economic power. Think of the needs of people he could meet. To throw himself down from the Temple tower and to be rescued by the angels would have solidified his theological power. What religious leader after seeing this would question his authority? And finally, he is tempted with political power. All the kingdoms of the world would be his if he just worshiped Satan. He would be the Messianic figure the people longed to see, and would restore and free them. Jesus resists by focusing his eye on God and the power of God’s Word. Saying “…one does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” And after the third temptation Jesus clearly states that God is the center of life and not a political or any other kind of power.

The desert in this Gospel is familiar to all of us. There are those times when we feel lonely, abandoned, rejected, misunderstood, hungry for recognition, face loss, illness or are in a period of mourning. These times in our lives could be called our desert experiences. Times when we are vulnerable. Might this Gospel on the first Sunday in Lent be inviting us to recognize these deserts in our lives and be alert to the ways in which we are vulnerable.

Perhaps at the end of each the day during this Lenten season, we might begin a process which the Jesuits call “an examination.” By that I mean we ask ourselves, “What were my blessings today? What was I facing today? Was it a negative or positive action I was asked to take? Did I succumb to it or not and why? How can I do better tomorrow?” A simple practice but one that keeps us alert to the temptations we all face.

Angels, we are told, come to Jesus’ assistance during his experience, and you and I can be sure of God’s grace that in its many forms can do the same for us, as we face struggles in our lives.

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familyofpebbles · 1 year

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Wedding- The Days After

We had not considered how the checkout time at our Airbnb might be difficult to make after a long night, and woke up groggy and slightly disgruntled. We scrambled to sort and pack and clean and figure out where all the wedding stuff was going, and then tumbled into an attempt to mail out our flowers to be preserved. Buuut it was Sunday so we just hoped the little cooling packs in there would do the trick until Monday.

Then off for a loosely coordinated goodbye brunch. We ended up at Shine Brewery at one of the long center tables, with friends coming and going as they pleased. I gave away as much wedding cake as I could, since we had SO much leftover. In keeping with the theme of the rest of the trip, it was too many people and not enough time to be as intimate as I wanted to be with all of them. I find I’m still craving the daydream of a true catch-up with all my friends. In any case, it was good to at least see them.

The last goodbye was to Britta. I gave her back the hoodie she had lent me the night of the weddingz, which she put on and promptly discovered the balled up underwear in the pocket that I had taken off along with the wedding dress the night before cause they chafed. We were doubled up laughing until we cried, and hugged, and then parted ways. A memorable goodbye. Out of everyone, I feel that we got the most actual bonding time in. I am thankful for it. I look forward to when we are in the same physical space again, since it’s just not quite the same otherwise.

After that, we made our way to a small town I can’t remember the name of to go stay with my dad for a couple days and get some real time in with him. We were so exhausted by the time we got there that after a quick hello, we went and took a nap for a couple hours. When I woke up, dad was bringing back dinner from the only place in town that was open on a Sunday (how very German of them) and we got several hours of chatting and catching up while Robert slept. It was nice.

The next day we had to go out and do a few last minute things so we split up to make it go quicker- Robert went to get us an unbroken suitcase and mail out the flowers (dumb expensive), and dad and I went back to Bodhi so I could pick up the security deposit refund. It was pretty to be back a couple days later to see it in a more relaxed mindset. I wouldn’t mind coming back there to stay a night or have dinner someday.

Mackenzie River and fancy beer pit stop, and then we brought it all back to our little house. I actually got a bit tipsy and argued abortion with my dad perhaps a bit too aggressively, and because I am always insecure about what he thinks of me, I am embarrassed. Not for being pro choice obviously, but just the way I was talking. Maybe a little flippant to sound reasonable to him. But ah well, it didn’t ruin the night or our relationship.

I do love my dad and I am thankful to have a relationship with him. I’m glad we got a couple sleepy days together, and hope that all of us can have a longer vacation sometime soon to really get to know each other better. I’m hoping for summer leave of 2024. Last summer before we have kids (hopefully) (weird).

Robert kicked off being an official husband with offering to drive us all the way to Minot, North Dakota with the two days we had left after my dad flew out just so I could have wedding outfit photos with Moriah. I love him so much.

So yes, we packed up and began an eight hour drive to North Dakota. We talked and listened to Harry Potter and grouched about how the widest and flattest roads in the world had such a low speed limit. I defended the plains as it’s own specific kind of beautiful and you did not want to admit it.

(If I ever print this too I’m going to have to go back and edit the narrative to be consistent. Who am I writing to? Robert or nebulous You? Or maybe I won’t and it will be just as flip floppy as my brain is deciding to make it)

It actually wasn’t the worst trip in the world in our nice rental on nice big roads. We made it in good time with plenty of light to spare.

It had been so many years since I’d seen Moriah, and it was just as easy to be together as it always has been. It felt like I was just next door with my neighbor, with the extra layer of excitement over the top. I’m so happy she and Robert were finally able to meet, and for both of us to meet Mei and Helena! I had seen them once before when they were brand new but this was my first time really interacting with them. They are so fun! I loved watching them play and giggle together.

First thing was to get all dressed up in our wedding outfits and take pictures while the sun was still out. That alone was worth the drive and I’m so thankful to Robert for making it. It’s so special to have these pictures that we’d been dreaming about since we were children, with HER children!

And then Robert had the incredible idea of recreating the wheat field photos we had taken as teenagers! We drove out to a nearby green field and he made sure they were as close as we could get them. They turned out so beautifully!! I’m so glad he always thinks of little things like this.

When we got back, the girls wanted to play “Ghost Hunters” with us. So in what was the most heart-filling full circle moment, Robert, Moriah, and I strapped on headlights and ghost hunted in the basement with Mei and Helena! We took turns being the ghost, and found hiding spots to jump out of and spook everyone else. They were hysterical! Mei was a brave hunter and Helena was a great ghost, running around on all fours in the dark looking straight out of a horror movie! It was so fun listening to them laugh and scream and just the coolest thing to be able to experience that with my childhood best friend’s daughters. How special.

Moriah had to work in the morning and we had to head back, so we got up early enough to have breakfast and coffee together and get a few more moments of chatting in beforehand. It felt so homey. I really want more time, next time. They’re really my family too.

So, we drove all the way back to Bozeman, slept one more night at the place my dad rented, packed up, and headed out for one more goodbye coffee with Logan, Raechel, and Shayne. Again, it was good to have a smaller group to really be able to focus on and talk to. I’ll miss them. And Logan, especially, always has a special spot in my heart. I’m glad he was the one to officiate.

And, that was that. We flew back out on a beautiful Montana day. Blue skies, green and snowy mountains. Back to Germany- golden and forested- and after a nap our small town was waiting for us with a big bonfire. A small walk, a big beer and a deep breath. It felt so good to be home.

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thespiesuponus · 2 years

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Contacts list including phone numbers for ANUMIT JOOLOOR - October 2022

Posted on on Sunday Monday October 17 2022. room number 13, Sri ram lodge, Englishiya line Kant Cantt , Varanasi, UP , india 🇮🇳. Ground floor > 1st floor > 2nd floor floor plan - stairs, room 12, room 13 , room 14 , one more room, then washrooms/restrooms. Posted by ANUMIT JOOLOOR

Note - No updates on 100 or 80/20

Some interesting scientific innovations and discoveries (updated) -

about chips in the brain - Some companies have been creating chips (or micro processors) which can be surgically inserted into brain/head. Like neualink which allows people to listen to music in the brain. Very interesting to see that the chip could connect to internet and play music from Spotify like service inside the brain. You can search for it on google, Fox News, popular mechanics, medium.com, or some other popular websites. These are some other companies putting chips inside brain or connecting machines and brains - BrainCo (www.brainco.tech ) Emotiv (www.emotiv.com ) Kernel (www.kernel.com ) MindMaze (www.mindmaze.com ) NeuroSky (www.neurosky.com ) NeuroPro (www.neuropro.ch ) Neurable (www.neurable.com ) Paradromics (www.paradromics.com ) Synchron (https://synchron.com), https://synchron.com/technology/brain-io -

Control artificial hand with chip in the brain. Play a drum or some other musical instrument. Maybe you can open door of your garage just by thinking about it, start your vehicle just by thinking about it, maybe talk to people using brain just like you do with cell phone. Certain chips connect to computers and can type texts for a user just by thinking about it.

about designer babies in china - Editing the gene of a person to create designer babies. China has done it. They get pregnant women to get some medicine and those children may be born smarter, more athletic, more fair or whiter skin color.

about robots - Some of the robots have LTE chips in them? Why? So that they can sing lullaby to babies from Spotify?

Machine which can erase or delete memory of a person Scientists have created machines which can make a person forget memories or select parts and portions of it. Seat this 10 year old article here. https://gizmodo.com/finally-a-real-life-memory-erasing-technique-for-human-1488613923

Maybe I should borrow money from someone and use these kind of machines to make that person forgot that he gave/lent me some money.

Update - Some people may try to prove that the white man is the Arab man and the Arab man is the white man. Let us see how many people lie in the countries of USA and India about who is the real ANUMIT JOOLOOR.

Can a hotel be cloned? Like create make two hotels look alike. I had sent photos of this hotel at Varanasi to one of the minions of big sir of east side of usa. So I will add more details of the hotel a little later.

So I am posting my entire contact list from phone. Looks like there are 1,573 contacts in my phone as of October 2022. I just exported them to CSV file and pasting them here below.

[unable to post on tumblr because of size limit, you can get contacts list from mirror sits of blogger , medium , wordpress etc]

#anumit #jooloor

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one-abuse-survivor · 2 years

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Hey.

So, I’m kind of having trouble with my roommate. We both rent rooms from my dad. $600/month each. Which, for California, is great. She’s on disability, and works part time at a thrift store, but she has a limit on how much she can make/save up, cause disability. She has a tendency to ask me for money a lot, and she almost always pays me back, and it’s not like I can’t ever afford it, but I have medical bills and shit going on in my own life, but I also make more money than her, and I get full access on my next birthday to the money my grandma left me, so I feel obligated to help her. She also has a tendency to ask me to drive her to the hospital for stuff often enough that it’s kinda frustrating. Those two things, I’ve been dealing with off and on since she moved in. And I do it, cause I have depression, psychosis, and anxiety, and I struggle with certain things around the house, so I feel like I owe her.

It’s the last couple days I’ve been really frustrated. I work two jobs, one of which has a shift on saturdays that goes to 12:30 am Sunday morning. So, I get home late. At 4:30 am on Sunday morning, my roommate texts me asking if I can go get her her soda from the nearby circle k. I get up around 5:30 to go to the bathroom, and she asks me if I’m up, and I say I’m going to the bathroom and right back to bed. Then, later, when I’m up, she asks me if I want to go get her her soda, and I said not really. Then earlier today (Monday) while I was at work, she texts me that she got the money she owes me “no change” whatever the hell that means, and asked me if I was outside. And I replied that I was at work. And then she starts a rambling series of text messages about the neighbor petting “the cat” and watching movies on her phone, none of which I fully understand (is the neighbor on the property, is my cat outside? Etc). She doesn’t talk to me at all when I get home. Later, when I’m doing a quick work out, she comes out and is like “did you stay up all night.” And I explain that it’s only 10:30, and she goes into a whole bit about how she got taken off some sort of medication and is hallucinating, including a fight between me and my dad, but she’s getting it fixed tomorrow. I couldn’t fall asleep, so I was chilling in my bathroom, and she calls out my dad’s name, and I respond, and she talks about a large possum that jumped on the counter, and then gestured to the corner where it was. I’m really not in a good place to deal with this whatever the fuck she has going on, so I made sure she is getting her medication taken care of tomorrow, and I said good. She said that was rude, and I said sorry, but I don’t have the energy to deal with whatever she has going on, and she said she wouldn’t ask me to, the problem is that it’s already affecting me through how she’s acting towards me, with the texts, and the forgetting that I’m not going to be awake at 4:30 am on a Sunday, and when I work in general, and the fact that I had to take time at work to attempt to deal with whatever the fuck she was texting me about. She might not ask me outright, but there are a million different ways that I end up taking on a bunch of emotional labor to deal with her issues. I don’t feel safe with her being in the state she’s in right now, and I’m just tired of constantly loaning her money (I’m the past 3 years, the lowest I lent her was $60, the biggest was $300-and I just remembered that she didn’t give me the last $100 of that). She’s been pretty nice, but the fact that her mental state has made me stressed enough to be up an our and a half after I wanted to go to bed is too much. I already texted my dad that I can’t deal with her, and I don’t feel safe in the house with her in the mental state she’s in. Like I said, I’m not in a place where I can deal with whatever she’s got going on. She’s been living in the house for 6 years, and I don’t want her to be stressed about finding a new place that’s affordable, but this isn’t sustainable for me, and I’m not in a place where I can move out yet.

Nonnie, it really sounds to me like you made the right call acknowledging your needs and boundaries. It's obviously not her fault she's struggling, and from what you've shared here it really sounds like you've been respectful toward her and tried to help when you could. It also sounds to me like you've been having trouble setting boundaries due to your own feelings of obligation, and I think when that happens (where you find yourself repeatedly brushing aside your own boundaries because of how "small" they seem compared to how much you could help someone out, to the point where it starts to take a toll on your mental health) the best thing you can do is set a bigger boundary with that person.

So it's definitely okay to decide that this situation is too much for you right now. It's okay to not be in a place where you can give so much emotional energy to another person, and I honestly think you made the right call deciding to set that boundary, because at the end of the day, the most likely alternative would be to keep straining yourself until you burst, and that would not be good for either of you.

I really hope she can find a good place to live and where she's around safe people! And I also really hope your mental state improves. I hope everything goes (or went) as smoothly as possible for both of you :)

#Ask #Boundaries #Emotional labor #Hallucination mention #I'm not sure how else to tag this so please let me know if you need any tags added!

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mcx7demonbros · 2 years

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Catholic MC (III)

PART 3

“MC, I recall that you only have a few set of clothes to wear sin you were brought to Devildom suddenly.”

As you and Luke was leaving RAD after all classes ended for the day - your first day, you met Asmodeus and Mammon at the front gate.

“You want me to go shopping with you?” from Asmo’s word, you could already deducted what he wanted. However, you were unsure whether you should go with them, because you feared they would tempt you to some horrible sin.

“We promise we won’t do anything, unless you consent. Right, Mammon?”

“Y...yes.” the Avatar of Greed nodded.

Still, you had to think about this carefully. You only had the set of clothes that was on you the moment you were brought to Devildom, and 7 sets of uniform the brothers prepared for you beforehand. It was very uncomfortable, to be honest. You didn’t want to wear the same clothes every day for many weeks, until you or Luke knew where to buy clothes by yourselves.

“Hurry up and make decision, human!”

“Don’t pressure MC!” Luke barked. He actually wanted you to go back with him, without hanging out with the two demons, but he thought about your well-being in Devildom so he waited for your decision, respecting your free will.

“Alright, let’s go.” you finally agreed to go with them after 5 minutes pondering. You were really in need of new clothes.

💙 💛 🧡 💚 💘 ❤ 💜

“Eek, MC, you’re a student, not a nun!” Asmo screamed when he saw you dressed fully covered from head to toe, the only skin revealed was from the upper half of your neck up

“Asmodeus, this is called modesty!” you said.

“No, that won’t do! How’s about this?”

“Too flashy!”

“Then this.”

“Too eye-catching. I don’t want any demon eyes preying me!”

While Asmo was trying to make you agree to his suggestions, Mammon was going on a shopping spree, and Luke was helping you choose a set of formal attire for Sunday. Even when you were in Devildom, you should be able to watch Mass streamed online on Sunday morning. Even if it was only online and you did not participate Mass in person, you still had to dress formally to pay respect to God and the Sacrifice on the Altar.

💙 💛 🧡 💚 💘 ❤ 💜

Finally, you and Asmo reached a consensus, he bought you some clothes without collar and with lighter colors, the rest were 100% your decision (i.e. no revealing clothes and darker color).

“No fun! You’re just like Lucifer!” Asmo said as you left Majolish.

You didn’t like to be “like Lucifer”, you wanted to be different from him, in every aspect. But regarding modesty in clothing, you intended to follow the traditional teaching of the Church, if you were similar to the Avatar of Pride, so be it.

💙 💛 🧡 💚 💘 ❤ 💜

“Return my money, you scum!”

What greeted you when you came back to the House of Lamentation was Levi’s shout, which was actually aimed at Mammon.

“What money? What are you talking about, Levi?”

“The money I lent you 200 years ago. I really need the money right now to purchase golden figurine of Seraphina, it’s limited edition.”

“Levi, you dumb, it’s 260 years ago!”

“There, you admit it!”

“These demons are so stupid, let’s go back to our room, MC!” Luke said.

However, to Luke and Asmo’s surprise, you stepped in between Mammon and Levi.

“Mammon, return the money to Levi.” you said sternly

“Wh...why should I?”

“It’s justice. Since you have borrowed the money, you have to return it.”

“Human, did you forget that we’re demons or you’re just dumb? We’re DEMONS!”

“But you do have laws in Devildom!” you countered back.

“That...that...anyways, I’m not paying the money, and you can’t make me. Unless...”

“Unless what?”

“Unless you sell your soul and make a pact with me. I’ll be your servant during your whole life. But once ya dead, ya belong to me.”

“NEVER!”

“Then forget it. You can’t make me.” Mammon walked past you.

“MAAAMMOOOOON!”

However, Lucifer appeared and punished Mammon, lecturing him about some debt, Levi took the chance to persuade Lucifer to tell Mammon to pay him.

💙 💛 🧡 💚 💘 ❤ 💜

The same night, you couldn’t sleep. you kept tossing and turning while trying to fall asleep.

You just wanted to do what was right, giving Levi back what he was owed. That’s what you had been taught since you were a child, fairness, righteousness, rights,...in short, justice - a cardinal virtue. Yet, you were completely useless. What worse was the pity look Lucifer gave you after the incident.

You shouldn’t try to do something that’s beyond your mortal capability, was what the eyes seemed to tell you. You felt like you were not welcomed, your opinion was disregarded. This was supposed to be your home for the next year, yet you did not feel any sense of belonging here.

Maybe I should still try to escape.

“Help me.”

You opened your eyes immediately.

What was that? You asked yourself.

“Please save me.”

At first, you thought you were deceiving yourself, but clearly you could hear a faint voice asking for help.

“Please help.”

You immediately got up from your bed and followed the voice, which led you to the staircase, which led to the attic.

💙 💛 🧡 💚 💘 ❤ 💜

You were completely stunned when you saw a handsome man locked behind the room in the attic.

“You called for help, right?” you asked

“Thanks goodness, you finally heard me. Lucifer’s out tonight with Diavolo, so if I miss tonight. I don’t know when I can get out.”

“Who are you? Why are you imprisoned in there?” you asked but you suddenly came to realization “Did the demon imprison you?”

“Yes.” the man answered with a sad face “My name’s Belph Twinstars. And for what reason I was in here...I was your predecessor.”

“Huh?”

“Sorry, I should have been more clear. I was the exchange student before you. After I finished the program, Lucifer imprisoned me here.”

MY MASTERLIST

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queerprayers · 2 years

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hey, do you have any lent ideas? i’m not a very observant/emotionally spiritually engaged catholic at this point in my life. but i am mentally and culturally there. like i want to keep doing this tradition, even if i haven’t been to church in a while and don’t imagine taking myself for a long while.

however, i just don’t know what i can give up. i really don’t spend money on anything i don’t need, and taking away some of that from myself just seems cruel. limiting luxuries wouldn’t be noticeable. idk what to do!

much love <3

Hello, beloved! Great question!

If your life is already simple, especially if you don't have very much, you're right, taking away something that makes you happy would just be miserable. There's a lot of assumption that goes into Lent suggestions/guidelines, and one of those is that the person reading them is reasonably well-off, regularly has enough to eat, and has a lot of extra things/activities in their life. For so many of us, these things aren't true.

So let's take the focus away from punishing/limiting and find a practice that you can add/include in your life! Here are some ideas—and anyone's welcome to add their own suggestions in the replies.

Start a daily/almost-daily/whenever-you-can prayer practice! We got the rosary, prayer books, guided meditation, taking a walk in the woods, crying—all great ways to pray. (My prayer tag)

Start/come back to/continue reading the Bible! (My Bible tag)

Set aside a day of rest/prayer! You could look into the Jewish Sabbath tradition (note: we're researching & taking inspiration here, not appropriating specific practices), follow a more traditional Christian Sunday-is-the-Lord's-day practice, or create your own way to, once a week (or when you can), remember who you are, that work isn't everything, and that rest is God-ordained.

Start/continue a creative practice, like journaling, poetry, or art! Maybe start keeping a daily journal or write a poem every day. No perfectionism allowed, and no one ever has to see what you create—create for yourself and God. The Artist's Way is a book/practice that really helped me create a spiritual philosophy re: my art. It can be a bit self-help-y/cheesy at times, but it definitely introduced me to a new frame of mind. You can start with its creative affirmations.

Pick a book to read—there are many Lenten devotionals available, but it could be any theme/genre. My absolute favorite Lent book is queering lent by the poet slats, and this year I'm checking out O Beautiful Dust by RW Walker, which was just published by one of my friends!

Pick a subject to research! It doesn't have to be specifically religious—learning about anything can bring you closer to God and the created world. I've been learning a lot about Mary Magdalene recently.

Start/continue being politically active! Register to vote, call your local officials (see this website if in the US), attend a protest, join an organization, learn about an issue.

Volunteer! My favorite suggestion will always be your local library, but you can also look into food pantries, animal shelters, and children's programs. You can also volunteer for a variety of online projects here.

Reach out to someone you haven't talked to in a while—maybe someone you've harmed or has harmed you (if it's safe), or someone you accidentally never replied to, or someone you want to get closer to. God is love, and your relationship to God is bound up in your relationships with others.

Start/continue a physical practice, such as yoga. I always always will shout out Yoga With Adriene. (If you're not Indian, and especially if you're white, maybe check out Decolonizing Yoga as well.)

That's what I got for now. There's no pressure to reinvent your religious/spiritual life, and there are not have-to's when it comes to this season. However we get to Easter, we get there. Even if nothing at all about your life changes in the next forty days (+ Sundays), Easter will come. Memonto mori (remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return), memento vivere (remember that you are alive, and you will be resurrected).

<3 Johanna

#lent #asks #never said the memento mori/vivere thing before #not sure where i got it from #but now i'm gonna think about that for a while #i say the wildest things when answering asks in the middle of the night

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emepe · 3 years

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If it’s you. Chapter 7.

☆ Pairing: Eren x fem!Reader, friends with benefits

☆ General info: 18+, modern college au, multi-chapter fic

☆ Chapter info: A sudden visit from Eren unleashes unexpected surprises.

☆ Warnings: nsfw, smut, vaginal sex, vaginal fingering

☆ Summary: You had never thought about crossing the line into a sexual relationship with one of your close friends, yet a single trip to the laundry room was enough to make you question those limits.

Links: AO3 | Masterlist

easy

Eren Yeager. That's it, that's all there is to think about, apparently. Your brain can't manage with diverting from the topic of him, his name, the way he'd say yours, his enticing aura, the little glint in his eyes whenever he talked about something he liked or something he remembered and wanted to share with you. It was like a film from the past three months playing on loop in your head. You had gotten to know a lot more about him in these past weeks than you'd been able to do the entire year before that when you'd first met through Sasha. You mindlessly bite down on your thumb as you pay no mind to the actual movie playing in front of you on your laptop.

It's Sunday night and for once, you don't have anything to do, not that having a pile of assignments to work on would've been able to pull you away from your conflicted mind.

Sasha had left with an overnight bag and her regular schoolbag about fifteen minutes ago to spend the night with Niccolo at the frat house. When you told her she could just stop by for her books first thing in the morning, she just laughed and shook her head, saying she wanted to spend as much time with Niccolo as possible. You were happy for Sasha and her loving relationship with Niccolo, you really were, but that shred of jealousy has been really worming its way in since you came to realize your own romantic feelings for Eren.

A soft knock on the door makes you shift your attention from the space bar on your keyboard and you set your computer aside on your bed to get up and answer. You didn't expect it to be Eren you — aren't sure if you wanted it to be Eren due to the whirlwind of emotions you had to sort out. Yet there he is in all his glory, in a black oversized hoodie and light wash denim jeans, hair swept by the wind and an orange notebook tucked under his arm.

Why does he always look so damn good?

"Hi," he breathes, an endearing side smile on his face.

"Hi," you smile back at him. You can't help it, he's just too cute.

"Is Sasha here?"

Wait, what?

You feel a bit disappointed to hear him ask for your roommate, his reason for stopping by not being you. The confusion must be evident on your face because Eren starts to explain. "I uh- she lent me her notes for this ethics class we're taking together since I missed school the other day, so I'm just here to give them back."

Oh.

"Oh yeah, how are you feeling?" You lean against the doorway.

"A lot better, actually. I just needed to rest for a bit." He nods and his grin grows wider. "Your visit the other day really helped."

Warmth washes over you as you offer him a small smile in return.

"Good, I'm glad... Uh, Sasha isn't here right now, she actually left for the frat house about twenty minutes ago."

"Really? Crap... I should've called to let her know I was coming. Guess I should probably head back then." He purses his lips and begins to turn around. Please don't. "See you around."

You know it goes against your better judgment; you need to distance yourself from Eren, at least until that bubbly feeling in your chest dissipates. Still, you reach out and tug at his sleeve to stop him. He turns around to give you a look that's a mix between confusion and worry.

"Stay for a bit." You're not sure what expression you're wearing, but Eren's features soften at the sight and he smiles as you let him in. He slips out of his sneakers, leaving Sasha's notebook on top of the mini fridge and you guide him over to sit on your bed where you extend your legs in front of you and pick up your laptop. Eren settles by sitting on the side of the bed with his body facing you. "Uh, I was watching a movie before you came, but you can pick a new one or we can do something else." Your voice is shaky and Eren frowns.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks sweetly, leaning in and patting your head gently.

"Yeah, I just..." you drift off and he raises his eyebrows as if encouraging you to continue. You're at a loss for words. His cautious and worried demeanor pulls at your heartstrings.

"I just... Would you... kiss me... please?" Needless to say, you felt ridiculous for asking him to do so, especially when engaging in intimacy will do the complete opposite of what you need and rile up your feelings up even more.

Thankfully, Eren doesn't seem to mind your request or question why you're suddenly voicing what you want so shyly. He tilts his head and smiles before he leans in closer and brushes your nose with his. Your eyes flutter closed and you wait for his lips to come in contact, his warm breath fanning across your face and his signature citrus and woodsy scent relaxing your senses. When he finally takes your face in his hands and closes the distance between your mouths, you breathe a sigh of relief. You slowly shut your laptop and place it on your bedside table as he continues to kiss you, his pace gradually becoming more urgent. You slide down the headboard and Eren shifts his body so that he hovers over you with a knee between your thighs. You tug at the bottom of his hoodie, gesturing for him to take it off and he breaks the kiss to follow your order and undoes the buttons of your pajama top. You prop yourself up a bit to help him glide it off your shoulders and he throws both garments over his back. He's not wearing a shirt underneath and you're not wearing a bra, and you're grateful, letting your hands roam over his warm back as your chests press together. He purposely brushes his knee over your clothed sex, the friction making you whimper.

"Touch me," you beg him, your words coming out with more air than voice as your breathing starts to gain irregularity. He hums against your neck and pulls back on his knees to undo the string of your pajama shorts, pulling them off your legs gently, leaving you in your underwear. Had you known you'd be seeing him today, you would've worn something a bit more sexy than the plain baby pink cotton panties you were currently sporting. He doesn't mind, coming back to meet your lips as he cups your vulva with a soft touch and you squirm in annoyance at the extra layer between you and his hand.

He begins tracing stripes with his fingers, applying pressure whenever he'd reach your clit. Soon, he switches to rubbing tight circles in that same area and although normally, you'd enjoy him taking his sweet time with you, a certain neediness is forming in the pit of your lower abdomen.

"Fingers... please," you mutter against his lips. He sucks your bottom lip, making you grant him access to the insides of your mouth as he slips his hand inside your underwear and does his usual routine, collecting your juices with two fingers and sliding them inside you. Your moans are drowned out by his mouth while his fingers push and curl inside you, his thumb fulfilling its usual task to stimulate your clit. It's not long before you're arching your back, toes curling and you bite down on his lip a little too harshly, causing him to whine and whisper a series of husky fucks.

As you come down from your high, you open your eyes and see a bruise starting to form along his bottom lip, his eyes glistening in ecstasy.

"Crap, I'm sorry," you whisper, taking his chin in between your thumb and index.

"'S okay, I liked it." He slowly breaks into a smirk. "Don't be surprised when I bite back twice as hard, though," he taunts.

Your face heats up in embarrassment and you cover your eyes with your forearm, making him laugh.

"Wanna keep going?" You nod and feel him shuffle around to remove his bottoms and lean over to your bedside table to retrieve a condom from the drawer. When you recover from your embarrassment, you finally take a peek to see him finish rolling the condom on. He's quick to go back to you, taking his cock in one hand to align himself before you. His tip barely grazes you, but you're overly sensitive right now and you whimper as you ask him to penetrate you already. He gives you a side smile and teases you with his tip a few times before he slowly enters you, watching your reaction closely, peppering a few kisses on your cheeks.

He's always attentive like that, not wanting to hurt you on accident. He swallows thick when he enters you fully, thanks to your legs being bent at the knees and spread apart to give him more than enough space to bottom out. The combination of his thrusts, the stimulation of your clit, his strained voice moaning out your name whenever his mouth isn't indulging in the taste of your breasts, and the little voice reminding you of your true desires has you dizzy.

"Eren, more... I want more," you chant the last word softly as he works his tongue across your chest. He takes your words as a plea for him to quicken his thrusts, and you don't mind that interpretation either, but the secret meaning you're aware that every more that escapes your lips has, brings you to smile with bitterness at the ceiling.

Even if it's only like this, you want to have him. If you confess your feelings, you know you won't be able to touch him this way again.

Eren's mouth travels up your neck, lightly sucking on your skin and whines into your ear when you arch your back and your legs start spasming around him. He wraps an arm around your waist, stroking and grabbing at your skin as if trying to glue your body to his, and you prop yourself up on one elbow latch onto his neck with your other arm and pull him even closer to you, moaning his name in his ear. Three forbidden words are dangerously edging on your tongue, but instead you keep repeating his name as you both simultaneously drown in your orgasms. Eren crumbles into the bed right beside you without pulling out and pulls you into a kiss, his warm tongue tangling with your own. The kiss gradually becomes more tame and by the end, he just offers you soft pecks on your lips and nose.

"You okay?"

"Mhm."

He carefully pulls out of you and stands to dispose of the condom. You slowly bring yourself to your feet and get your night robe from the closet to walk out to the bathroom, catching a glimpse of Eren gathering his clothes from the floor on your way out. When you come back, the room is empty and the only trace of him ever being there is the notebook he left for Sasha. You sigh and start to switch the comforter of your bed in exchange for a blanket you grab from the top shelf of your closet, when the door to your room opens and Eren walks in.

"I thought you left already," you blurt out in surprise.

"Just went to the bathroom. Can't really walk around naked in the halls," he chuckles softly and you join him. "If you still wanna watch a movie... we can... you know, do that," he stammers, but you give him an excited grin and nod. You hurry to finish fixing your bed and change back into your pajamas. You both settle down on your bed, legs stretched out and backs against the headboard with the laptop nestled in between. Eren picks a random title and you both stare at the screen as the movie starts. You finally start to feel comfortable with him again, already forgetting about the dilemma you were circling just minutes before he arrived.

"Hey, uh... thanks for whatever it is you said to Zeke the other night." You look over at him but his gaze is fixed on the battle scenes playing on the screen.

"Sure, no problem," you whisper.

"I mean, I was shocked when he came in yelling at first, but he broke character just a few seconds in." He stifles a laugh. "We ended up laughing about it for a bit."

"Did you guys talk then?"

"Yeah, he said that when you asked him to yell at me he remembered the time I got home drunk off my ass and said the same thing."

"So I did good?" you smile at him proudly and he finally turns to look at you with a smirk.

"I mean, it's not like I never tried to talk to him about it before," he says, poking your cheek in a teasing manner. "He just always brushed me off whenever I told him he was too forgiving with me. I guess it really did make a difference that someone outside of us told him there really is a problem. It's going to take some time to work things out completely, but it's a start. So, yeah, you did good."

"Well, that's... good."

You both focus back on the movie and Eren ends up shifting down underneath the blanket and rests his head on your shoulder. The action gives you butterflies and you bring your hand up to pat his head. The movie ends and as the credits begin to roll up the screen, Eren talks again.

"You know what I like about you?" You don't trust your voice to come out steady to answer his question so you just hum in response.

"Everything is really fucking easy." He lifts his head quickly and tilts it to the side, as if processing his own words. "Wait, that came out wrong." He shakes his head, embarrassed. "What I mean is you're really easy to talk to and you're really fun to be with, I just... I feel like we've gotten a lot closer..."

You're held captive by his eyes, blood rushing to your cheeks. His face is so close, you can feel the warmth radiating from his skin.

"I really like having you around," he finishes with a whisper. His statement isn't exactly ambiguous, but dozens of possible hidden meanings cloud your thoughts.

That is, if there even is one, you think.

"Do you want to stay the night?" you murmur.

"What about Sasha?" His gaze flickers between your lips and your eyes and you unconsciously do the same for him. A small smile finds its way on your face and you shake your head lightly.

"She's not coming back until tomorrow afternoon."

"That's really lucky." You both release hushed chuckles. "Just so you know I sleep in my underwear and nothing more." His cocky demeanor surfaces for the first time tonight and you playfully punch him in the arm.

"Well, I kick in my sleep, so it's safer for you to stay in Sasha's bed," you tease him back and crawl over to the end of your bed to place your laptop on your desk.

"Fine by me. I'm not gonna be the one begging the other to keep them warm," he jeers, nodding at the blanket you're stuck with for this cold night, as he stands and undresses before throwing himself on poor Sasha's bed.

"And who's fault is this?" you accuse, balling a corner of the blanket in your hand.

"Well, very easily yours. You're the one who's been giving me orders since I got here. I just wanted to be a nice guy," he retaliates. You scoff at his comeback but cover yourself with your blanket and turn to face the wall, shielding your guilty expression.

"Goodnight, asshole," you mumble.

"Goodnight, beautiful," he sings, clearly still in the mood to poke fun at you. You groan and throw one of your pillows across the room to his smug face. You turn back towards the wall, but smile upon hearing him laugh at your lack of a proper rebuttal.

You stay in silence for a few minutes and you begin to think maybe Eren has already fallen asleep. That is, until you feel the mattress sink behind you and the blanket being lifted. A strong arm wraps around your waist, hand slipping under your top to stroke your skin with their thumb. You call his name but he shushes you. He lifts his head to give your shoulder a kiss and whispers in your ear.

"Just go to sleep."

Maybe it's just you, but this time with Eren feels different, sleepover proposal aside.

The tickling in your nose for the fourth time is what wakes you up. You force yourself to peek at the cause of your awakening with one eye and find Eren grinning with his fingers pointing a strand of his hair towards your face.

"Morning, pretty lady." You contort your face in disgust and reach over his shoulder to grab your phone from the bedside table. It's 7:30 a.m., not the ideal time to wake up, considering you stayed up late last night and you don't have any classes until noon.

You slump back onto the mattress but before you can even begin to rekindle your slumber, Eren's fingers start to graze your face, tracing your side profile. You can't keep yourself from smiling, no matter how hard you try to seem annoyed.

"Eren, stop, you're so annoying," you whine, but it comes out more as a giggle.

Eren laughs before positioning himself over you, his knees keeping him steady on either side of your hips. He begins to kiss your neck, gently nipping at the skin.

"Come on, wake up." His tone is playful and you can just imagine his childish expression.

"I don't even have anywhere to be," you grumble, letting out a soft moan at the end.

"You're so lazy," he complains, but he doesn't miss the way you gently lift your chest towards him and suck on your lip. "Let's go out for breakfast. I'm hungry... and bored."

"Don't care."

"Will you get breakfast with me if I can convince you to get up?"

"I think getting me out of bed would be reward enough, but you can go ahead try. I'm not moving," you reply, smiling at his juvenile idea.

You contradict yourself a second later, because Eren accepts the challenge and becomes more persistent with the way he sucks the skin along your neck and you grasp at his hair, trying to get him impossibly closer.

"You like that?" You just breathe out an uh huh and throw your head back, giving him more room to move. "Can I unbutton your shirt?" You repeat your previous confirmation and he follows up with kneading one breast with his hand and sucking at the nipple of the other, lightly tugging at it with his teeth. You whimper his name, your lewd tone making him groan into the valley of your breasts. He suddenly stops and pulls away. He stares at you and slowly breaks into a smile, letting out an airy chuckle.

"What?" You furrow your brows and tilt your head, your eyes finally open and your mind being free of your morning haze.

"Did you know you snore?" He looks back up with an amused expression.

"I do not."

"Oh, yeah. You talk in your sleep, too." He bites his lip and a blush creeps up on his cheeks. His reaction seems too genuine for you to think he's lying.

"Well, what did I say?"

"Not much... kept repeating my name, though."

Well, that's embarrassing.

You try to smother your face into your pillow, as if that would do anything to hide your embarrassment. He throws his head back in laughter.

"I don't mind, I just didn't think I was in your head twenty four - seven."

He's having a field day with this.

You silently thank the universe that he's too childish to think much about what that could possibly mean. You finally focus your gaze on him again and take note of the redness of his face that has only intensified since the few seconds ago when you saw it forming. His eyes are gleaming as they bore into yours, his boyish smile infecting you with your own sense of amusement.

You're both so deep in this intimate moment of morning bliss that neither of you notice the doorknob jiggling. Sasha barges through the door, announcing her arrival to you.

"I just had the best n-"

You let out a small shriek and Eren falters from his position but instinctively pulls the blanket over your bare chest. Sasha remains frozen in her position at the entrance with the door, her mouth and eyes wide open. You're so shocked and panicked that you completely dismiss the possibility of anyone walking down the hall and catching sight of this particular compromising scene. You screw your eyes shut, expecting the worst, but it never comes.

"I'm not going to pretend like I didn't just see this because the image is now permanently scarred into my brain, thank you very much for that. I am, however, going to walk out and give you guys a minute to put some clothes on, though. Knock when you're finished, please." You would laugh at the authoritative tone Sasha used if you weren't so apprehensive about the conversation awaiting you.

You facepalm yourself and groan as soon as she steps out into the hall, shutting the door behind her. Eren turns to look at you with worry.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have stayed over," he stammers.

"No, it's my fault. I should've told her about this sooner. At least she would've been prepared," you say, rubbing your temples.

You both get out from under the blanket and hurriedly get dressed, an awkward tension filling the room to the brim.

"Call me if you need anything, okay?" he says, kissing your forehead before opening the door to reveal a blank faced Sasha sitting on the ground against the wall. She doesn't mean for it, but Eren shrinks under her gaze and makes his way out of the building. You chew the inside of your cheek, trailing behind her as she walks in and sits on her bed. You stay on your feet, fiddling with your fingers, suddenly feeling out of place in your own dorm.

"I thought you were heading straight to class from the frat house," you murmur. Sasha gives you a weird look but gives into your tragic attempt of swaying the conversation from the elephant in the room.

"Yeah, but last night when I got there, I was going to knock on Eren's door to ask him for a notebook I let him borrow and Niccolo told me he had gone out to return it... Said he didn't even hear him tell him I was going over there anyway, he just rushed out the door..." She purses her lips and looks at you through her lashes. "It's my first class this morning and I figured you would've received it for me, so I just came back a bit early."

"I'm really sorry you had to find out like this. I know you're mad at me, but I promise I was going to tell you." The words just seem to pour out of your mouth but Sasha interrupts your monologue.

"I'm not mad. I already knew. Jeez, at least he could've left early before I caught ya, I didn't think he'd still be here," she says.

You stare at her dumbfoundedly.

"Oh, come on, don't look at me like that," she laughs. "Did you really think I wouldn't notice how often you two would disappear together? Or how you barely brush off his advances anymore? And then there's that talk we had the other day about how he treats other girls. I was kind of hoping you would confess it to me then, but I didn't want to pressure you if you weren't sure about it yourself, so I tried to play it cool. I may act like it sometimes, but I'm not stupid, you know?" She sighs. "Also... Jean might've slipped up and told me a couple of weeks ago. Everything seemed a lot more obvious afterwards." She gives you an awkward smile.

You roll your eyes and make a mental note to beat Jean's ass next time you see him.

"So..." Sasha drags out the word, breaking into a big, teasing grin. "Are you gonna tell me how this even come to be? I wanna know the details!"

You smile in relief, glad that you can finally talk about everything with her. You sit on your bed and tell her the story of everything that's happened since the party — leaving out any sexually graphic information, of course. She didn't need to know everything that took place behind closed doors.

"So are you guys... you know, together?"

Your face falls at the question.

"No. But it's fine. It's like what you told me the other day, every girl knows what they're doing when getting involved with Eren, and he and I agreed to keep it casual."

"That doesn't make sense though." Sasha tilts her head and furrows her brow.

"What do you mean?" you inquire, puzzled at her statement.

"Well, we were having lunch together once and this girl... what was it? Ash brown hair, green eyes... Fuck, I don't remember. But they used to be all over each other last semester. She came up to him and started rambling about how he has give her a call and how she wanted to catch up," she says, making quotation marks with her fingers around the last two words. "Eren pretty much blew her off and sent her on her way. I thought maybe he was just in a bad mood that day, but maybe he was just being... loyal? Is that the right word to use here? That was before Jean had told me your secret, though. So maybe around... three weeks ago?"

You ponder over this new piece of information, not really knowing what to do with it. Sasha stares at your troubled expression, remembering how you wore the same one when you asked her about Eren's attitude towards other girls.

"Do you like Eren? And I mean like like him. Like you actually want to be with him." Sasha's concerned voice rips you from your thoughts.

A cold shiver runs down your back and your nose gets that tingly feeling that lets you know you're about to cry.

"I do." You drop your face into your hands, sensing the arrival of tears and Sasha hurries over to sit beside you. You can't see her, but worry is written across her face as she looks at your trembling figure. A few seconds pass before she speaks up.

"You should tell him. I'm not sure if Eren's changed up his thoughts on compromise but it's not fair to let yourself get hurt by not letting your feelings be known," she says, rubbing your back in comfort. All you can bring yourself to do is weep into her shoulder.

Sasha misses her first class that morning.

Your week goes by painfully slow, your conversation with Sasha burning holes in your skull, especially the part about Eren's possible loyalty to you. You don't allow yourself to get excited about it, you can't. Eren is fine with having more than one consistent sexual relationship at the same time, but maybe he was just practicing self control or trying not to take more girls than he could handle. Even so, there's been a shift in the way the two of you interact. You try to brush it off as your imagination playing sick tricks on your heart, but you remain restless nonetheless.

Maybe you're the only one causing the shift. Maybe you're the one reading too much into how he acts around you. Maybe you're so hopeful for something to happen that you keep misinterpreting trivial things as evidence for feelings that aren't even there.

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sgtjbbhasmyheart · 3 years

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Drunk Texting Is(n’t) Bad for Your Health- Chapter Six (part 1)

Series Summary: Talk about your unconventional meet-cute! Bucky receives a text by mistake requesting he prove he's not Reader's sister. The easy dialogue between Reader and Bucky sparks a natural friendship, but could it lead to more? Bucky still deems himself unworthy of any form of affection or love. Reader is hellbent to prove him wrong. With the help of some (meddling) friends along the way, Bucky may get his happily-ever-after after all.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 3293

Warnings: ANGST, bad language words

A/N: Tumblr sucks. It forced me to split this chapter up because I exceeded the text block limit. That’s just how I write! Link to part 2 at the end.

A/N 2: Thank you again to everyone for showing this story so much love! And thank you to everyone for your patience and support as I struggled to put this out. As you can tell from the multiple parts, it was a doozy. 🥰 divider credit- @firefly-graphics

In case you missed the update, I will be publishing a new chapter every other Saturday from here on out. Schedule is in the Masterlist in my header.

DO NOT copy or replicate without my permission.

Monday morning rolled around, and your good mood from the weekend followed you into the office. Spending all of Saturday and the majority of Sunday texting James had lent to this early morning cheerfulness. You couldn’t help the smile on your face. You had even managed to arrive before most of your team.

You hummed a sweet melody as you booted up your computer and organized a few files for Timmons to peruse. They were statements intended for the press needing his approval about a particular prominent CEO or A-list celebrity client. The firm was not confirming nor denying any knowledge of said client’s whereabouts the previous week or why there was photographic evidence of them coming out of FlashDancers NYC. Other files included those seeking rebranding approval for existing companies looking to revamp their image.

Most importantly, today was contract signing day for Stark Industries.

You had compiled the document from a generic template the company used for all its clients, manually plugging in Stark Industries’ information in the correct spots and changing or omitting any services rendered or not. E-signing contracts were not only environmentally responsible, but they also saved a lot of your time from printing out numerous copies of a single agreement.

All you needed now was Timmons’ go-ahead to email the contract, and Pepper Potts could plug in her Jane Hancock.

Seeing Timmons enter the workroom, tweed coat draped over his forearm and attaché in hand, you rose from the seat behind your desk. You shuffled into his office after him.

He hung his jacket from the coat rack in the corner near a bank of expansive windows and placed the small, leather case he’d been carrying on the sturdy oak desk. He pulled out a stack of papers and tapped the pile against the desktop to straighten them before setting them down. Looking up at you briefly, he tugged out his laptop next.

You positioned a mug of coffee on Timmons’ desk, turning the handle just so, making it easier for him to grab. You cleared your throat gently. He glanced up at you again.

“Here’s the media statements for today,” you said, handing him a group of manila folders. You smoothed down the hem of your cardigan, smiling at the reminder of Bucky. You wished there had been a way to apologize to him again. He had left your apartment with such a pained look on his face. Maybe you could ask Peter. “And the Stark contract pdf is ready to go. I can email it over to you for final approval.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Timmons replied absent-mindedly, lifting the organized piles on the desk as if looking for something.

“Oh, okay,” you returned, nodding your head diminutively. “Do you want me to forward the contract on to Ms. Potts, then?”

“Ah-ha!” Timmons exclaimed, plucking a pen from underneath a stack of envelopes. He twirled the writing implement in his hand and peered at you, finally taking in your presence for the first time that morning.

An uncomfortable feeling washed over you as he evaluated you from head to toe. What was he looking at? Your hands tensed into fists as you continued to wait for his answer, growing impatient.

“Should I go ahead and do that, then, sir?” you asked, folding your arms across your chest like a protective suit of armor to deflect prying eyes.

“Yes, yes. That should be acceptable,” Timmons answered.

It threw you off balance. What had gotten into him? Timmons always had to have the final say on everything. It was so unlike him!

“Just so we’re clear- I will be sending the Stark Industries contract via email to Pepper Potts to e-sign,” you said, seeking clarification. You wanted to dot all i’s and cross all t’s because you weren’t going to lay your ass on the line for a misunderstanding. Especially not with something as crucial as the Stark Industries account.

“What? No, there’s been a change of plans,” he corrected.

You stared at him dumbfounded. Was he purposely trying to give you mental whiplash?

“Change of plans,” you affirmed. “Has Stark Industries decided not to use the firm, sir?”

“Oh, no. They’re still going with us,” Timmons said, rearranging the clutter he’d made on his desk.

You dropped your arms to your sides, although inside, you felt like throwing them into the air in frustration. Why was he so vague? He was usually wholly transparent with you. “Would you mind explaining it to me, please?” you asked, borderline annoyed. “Last time I checked, Stark Industries’ contract signing was still on the calendar for today’s agenda.”

“And it still is,” Timmons acknowledged. “It’s moved to an in-person signing.”

Your stomach plunged to the floor. Shit! You hadn’t printed out the contract! When was the appointment? How much time did you have? So many questions flew through your head.

How could Timmons keep something like this from you? Your heart hammered in your chest. You practically wobbled on your feet. Were you going to be sick?

I’m going to get fucking fired over this, you thought, trying to steady your breathing.

“Will you be ready to go in twenty minutes?” Timmons questioned, sitting down in the comfy desk chair and opening his laptop.

“Go?” you squeaked, attempting to recall how much you had in savings. You shook your head, trying to understand his words. Was he already asking you to clear out your desk?

“Yes. The car will be here at nine,” he said, keyboard clacking as he typed something.

“Car?” you asked, finding great difficulty comprehending the situation. Your head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

Timmons regarded you in bafflement. “Have you been drinking?”

“What? NO!” you declared. You didn’t need that added to “the inability to perform required tasks” as a reason for your firing. “I’m-I’m just really confused, sir.”

“About what?” Timmons asked, sitting back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap.

“Well…” you started. “What do we need a car for?”

His chocolate brown eyes shone with what you imagined might be excitement. “To drive upstate, of course.” He smirked as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on the desktop.

Upstate? What was upstate?

Timmons’ smile broadened as realization crept across your face. “Are we-”

“Yup!” he interrupted gleefully. He was like a child in a candy store. “We are headed to the Avengers Compound with a personal invitation from Tony Stark himself!”

You blinked several times at your boss, not entirely computing what he’d said. You were usually a lot quicker on the uptake than this. Why were you having such an off-day?

“We?” you asked, shaking your head clear of the cobwebs. Why on Earth would he bring you along?

“I need someone who knows the ins and outs of these contract signings,” he said, fiddling with his pen again.

Wasn’t that his job?

“I’m just the schmoozer- the people-person,” he admitted, shrugging. “You’re the real brains behind this whole operation.

You nodded your head in agreement. He wasn’t wrong. The office would collectively collapse without you, and it felt good to hear your actual boss say it out loud.

“You better not forget it, either. Especially when my job performance evaluation comes around,” you asserted.

Timmons swiftly saluted you as if he was the subordinate. You huffed a laugh at him while shaking your head with incredulity. You took a step or two toward the office door before looking over your shoulder at him.

Timmons had turned back to his laptop screen already and started typing again. “So, twenty minutes?” he asked with an air of levity.

You faltered, nearly tripping over your feet. “Wait? You were serious about that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Timmons wondered, looking up hurriedly from his laptop.

“I need to print out the contract and make copies, for one thing,” you mentioned, almost accusatory. Maybe if he had warned you ahead of time, you wouldn’t be so defensive.

“Already taken care of,” he soothed.

“What do you mean it’s ‘already taken care of’?” you asked, raising your hands to make quotation marks with your fingers.

“I had one of the other grunts do it last night.”

You gaped at Timmons like a goldfish, mouth popping open and closed. Did you hear him correctly? Timmons did something to make your job easier? You could hug him right now! You felt like pinching yourself to make sure it wasn’t a dream.

Once you gathered your wits again, you glanced to your feet bashfully. “Oh,” you spoke, absently fingering the bottom button of your cardigan. “Thank you.” You smiled gratefully.

Timmons returned the smile with one of his own. “You’re welcome.”

“Nine o’clock, then,” you agreed, moving further toward the doorway.

“On the dot!”

Words couldn’t even begin to describe the Avengers Compound. You’d seen it on the news, sure, but that didn’t compare to seeing it in real life. It was grandiose, imposing. You felt dwarfed in size looking up to the high rooftop.

It was almost ostentatious in a way. Much like the man who designed it. Larger than life.

Tony Stark.

Tony had insisted he take you and Timmons around on the tour of the compound. You still hadn’t seen the need for a tour.

“When Tony Stark invites you to tour the Avengers compound, you don’t say no,” Timmons had said in the car-ride up when you questioned why it was necessary.

It was all superfluous, really. Like Tony was trying to woo the firm to sign them, not the other way around.

A headache was forming at the base of your skull as you waited in line at the reception desk to return your visitor security badge.

The tour of the facility seemed to have been drug out longer than it needed. Tony had appeared overeager to show off every little gadget or trinket. Or maybe he just liked to hear himself talk.

When Timmons excepted the lunch invitation after the tour was completed, you felt the urge to run down to the armory, grab a gun, and shoot yourself in the foot. You were kicking yourself for ever agreeing to come on this dumb tour.

As the line slowly dragged forward, the muffled noise of men’s voices caught your ear. It sounded like an argument. Your line of sight followed to where the altercation originated.

Standing twenty feet away was Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, clearly disagreeing.

Your breath stilled as you watched the two super soldiers quarrel in a near-stage-whisper. What could they be fighting about?

From your place in line, you saw Bucky shake his head adamantly, his chestnut hair swishing about his shoulders. He might have even stamped his foot like a child, but you were too preoccupied with the look of abject horror on his face. He turned away as if to flee, but his friend caught him by the shoulder to stop him.

Were you causing this reaction from him?

You looked to your right to see if there was possibly someone else. All you noticed, though, was an empty space. Had you hurt Bucky’s feelings that badly? Your stomach clenched. The last thing you wanted was to be on an Avengers’ shit-list.

Glancing back to the two men, you caught Steve gesturing Bucky forward with short sweeping motions of his hands. Bucky shook his head again, stubbornly.

Even at this distance, you could feel the frustration rolling off Captain America.

Like a sucker-punch to the gut, you suddenly became very aware you were eavesdropping on Captain America and his best friend.

Your cheeks heated instantaneously, embarrassed of your staring. You shouldn’t be spying on them, you admonished. No matter how much your curiosity is piqued.

It was none of your business.

You turned away from them, facing the reception desk again.

As hard as you tried not to pay attention, you could still see what looked like wild gesturing from the corner of your eye.

What if they started fighting? Shouldn’t you be conscious of your surroundings for your own safety? You fidgeted in your spot as you debated your moral compass.

Fuck it, you thought.

As you peered over to the two super soldiers, Steve shoved Bucky forward gently, causing the latter to trip over his booted feet. Bucky glared back at his friend, his hands clenching into fists. Steve shooed him further. You could barely make out the word “Go!” on his lips.

As if in slow motion, you eyed Bucky taking step after step toward you. Was he coming over here?

Once you realized what was happening, your heart plummeted to your knees as your head whipped around to the front of the line.

Bucky Barnes was definitely walking over to you.

Had he noticed you staring?

You tried to stabilize your heart rate with slow, easy breaths, but Bucky was beside you much sooner than you could imagine.

A waft of aftershave hit your nose- woodsy and deliciously masculine. Your stomach swooped.

God, he smelled good.

Without having to turn your head, you could feel his brawny mass hovering near you.

How do you play this?

Perplexed?

“Oh, my gosh! I had no idea you’d be here!” Of course, he wouldn’t believe that. This is where the Avengers lived. He’d probably think you were a stalker.

Apologetic?

“I’m so sorry Peter and I made fun of you! Will you ever forgive me?” Nah, too needy or clingy.

Or--

Before you could think of any other ways to portray the situation, you heard a large gush of air escape from Bucky. Was he nervous?

“Hey-hey, (Y/N),” he said, voice shaky.

You gazed to your left. Bucky looked as white as a ghost. Had his ego taken that big of a hit?

At that moment, you wanted to do nothing more than wrap him in your arms and tell him sorry, and everything would be okay. You couldn’t, of course. You didn’t know the guy. So you settled for the next best thing.

You smiled at him beatifically. “Hello, Mr. Barnes.”

Like a veil had been pulled, his demeanor changed instantly. He returned the smile. “Ja-” he started but scrunched his nose as if he’d made a mistake. “Please. Call me Bucky.”

“Okay, Bucky,” you replied.

Timmons turned around, ahead of you in line, and eyeballed you. You gave him a dismissive look, praying he wouldn’t butt in.

“So, you here visiting?” Bucky asked, observing the badge in your hand.

“Sorta. It’s a work thing,” you remarked, waving the plastic fob in the air. “Stark Industries has hired my firm as their PR representative. It was signing day.”

“Ah,” Bucky said, nodding in understanding.

“And I got the tour and lunch courtesy of Tony Stark,” you added.

“Oh, yeah?” Bucky’s eyebrows raised in interest. “What did you think?”

“Honestly?” You watched Bucky shake his head in agreement. “It was extremely overwhelming. How do you not get lost in this place?”

Bucky laughed. Crinkles appeared in the corners of his eyes, yet he looked so boyish. He was beautiful.

“When I first got here, I did several times,” he huffed. “Every hallway looks exactly the same!”

“Right?!” you exclaimed. “I kept thanking my lucky stars that I had a tour guide!”

Timmons rolled his eyes and pivoted, facing front.

“Steve had to draw me a map to help me find my living quarters after the third time,” Bucky confessed, running a hand through his hair.

“Oh, no!” you empathized, bringing a hand up to cover your mouth. “That must have been so embarrassing!”

“Bird brain caught wind of it and gave me shit for weeks,” he lamented.

You gave him a confused look, not understanding who or what he was referring to.

Realizing his mistake, Bucky corrected, “Sorry. Bird brain is Sam.”

“Because he’s Falcon?”

Bucky bobbed his head yes, looking a little sheepish.

“It’s clever,” you grinned. “I like it.”

Bucky reciprocated the smile, and your chest warmed. It was a feeling you usually felt while texting James. Light and airy.

Finally making it to the reception desk, you relinquished your security badge to the pretty blonde in the too-tight sweater set. She handed you a clipboard to initial and fill out your departure time.

While signing, you surveyed the blonde as Bucky stepped closer. Her eyelashes fluttered rapidly, and she bit down on her bottom lip. Was she giving him bedroom eyes?

A new kind of warmth flooded your body. It felt a lot like jealousy as it snaked its way up to your ribs and circled your collarbones, which was absurd because you had no claim to this man. You’d met him one other time. Why would you feel this way?

Shoving the clipboard back at the receptionist, you spun toward Bucky. He regarded her politely and nodded, “Ma’am.”

Her shoulders slumped, and a frown slithered onto her painted lips. Somehow you felt triumphant, but not sure why. Bucky hadn’t picked you over her.

Your heart thumped harder in your chest as you walked side by side with Bucky, nearing the exit. You were suddenly overcome with the feeling of apologizing. What had you told James if you ever saw Bucky again? Apologize profusely and ask him to coffee.

You smiled at Bucky once again as he rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. The sound of a throat clearing resonated nearby. It wasn’t until you glanced up did you register Timmons standing so close. You had nearly forgotten about him.

Trying to gather your courage, you glimpsed between the two men. Bucky was squinting suspiciously at Timmons, and it made you chuckle lightly. “Easy tiger,” you assured. “That’s my boss, Roger Timmons.”

Bucky’s blue eyes widened a fraction, and he raised a hand in hello. “Sir.”

Timmons raised his chin in acknowledgment before looking down at his watch. You took it as his way of telling you to hurry up.

Okay, it’s now or never.

“Would you like to go to coffee with me?” Bucky blurted out, cheeks coloring pink.

Your eyes roamed across his handsome face. The boyishness was back, along with a touch of uncertainty. He was sweet, regardless of what the media claimed about him. Your lips curled up into a broad smile. “You read my mind,” you revealed, then winced. “That’s not one of your superpowers, is it?”

Bucky tittered. “No, no mind-reading.”

“Good,” you said, relieved.

“Whaddya say? Coffee?”

You dipped your head in a slow yes. “It’ll have to be after work, though.” You motioned over your shoulder with your thumb. “The slave driver over there is taking me back to the office to put me to work.”

Giggling, as you heard a scoff come from behind where you were standing, you reached into your purse and pulled out a pen and an old receipt. You quickly jotted down your work address. Handing it to Bucky, you began moving towards Timmons. “I get off at five,” you called. “I’ll meet you in the lobby.” You waved goodbye.

Bucky smirked. “Don’t work too hard!”

You flashed him one last smile before disappearing through the exit door.

You had a coffee date with Bucky Barnes!

You couldn’t believe it! The giddiness swelled inside you.

You gazed at Timmons’ profile as you walked to the waiting car parked at the curb. He had that look on his face.

It was a long drive back to the city. There was no way you could endure it if he started up now.

You gave a stern look before you stated, “Whatever you’re thinking, keep it to yourself.”

Timmons threw his hands up in mock surrender. “I wasn’t thinking anything.”

“Uh-huh,” you said dubiously. Timmons smiled smugly as you both climbed into the town car.

Chapter Five | Chapter 6 (part 2)

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