Ok twilight fans. Go run and get yourself a copy of Christopher Pike's The Last Vampire/Thirst series. We briefly get the vamp in high school trope actually done with an understandable motive, way better action and general vamp stuff, interesting lore, and a suspiciously fast growing perhaps vampire baby done way better and actually portrayed to be horrific. Seriously underrated series, go check it out!!

omg thank you for being the first normal person I've seen so far about AI who's also an artist T-T like obviously all the stealing is horrible and it's good it's talked about but almost everyone really is acting like the idea of computers being capable of creating images killed their firstborn child

(also I don't mean it as one of the weird AI art bros but as an artist myself I'm just glad that there are other artist with open mind to the concept)

no right like its insane to me to see how many other people who seem reasonable and level headed are falling for the kneejerk response to say ai Isn't Art Can't Be Art ! It's throwing out the baby with the bathwater to an almost incomprehensible degree.

Unfortunately the fact of the matter is that we live in an era where essentially all new technology's first and prime purpose will be for ghoulish, capitalistic, anti-human ends. But to reject any other uses for the technology doesn't do anything other than make you look like an anti-tech weirdo. This is genuinely insanely impressive and revolutionary tech! There are a TON of legitimate artistic uses for AI image generation.

It also seems weird that everyone is delving into this false binary of 'dont use AI, learn to draw' as if there is any conceivable reason for these things to be mutually exclusive? Like, before all of the AI discourse really popped off i was doing some experimenting with using AI in my process.

the texturing used in this drawing was made by VQGAN + Clip (different type of image generation than the stable diffusion model that is producing most of the AI art that's up for debate right now) running through google colab. I made a bunch of these weird, ethereal images that would have been almost impossible for me to produce under my own power - it would have taken a titanic amount of time, effort, and design to produce any of these through illustrative or photo editing techniques.

here's a sampling of some of the textures i made. Now I think it would be a real struggle to try and claim that these images made are plagiarisms. However, I stopped messing with the google colab generation for one key reason: i didnt know enough about the image databases being used to train these models. That's the real stumbling block

the internet is CHOCK FULL of images that are free to use commercially and repurposes, there's stuff like wikimedia commons, the smithsonian open access, unsplash and pexels which have free stock photos, etc. I honestly think a nonzero amount of artists would consent to having some of their work used in image generation databases if they were promised noncommercial use of the resulting images, also. But the problem is the people training these AI don't give a shit about any of that. It's just the complete entitlement to other people's work and neglect for creative boundaries that makes AI generation bad.

The fact that people are attempting to replicate the art of living, working artists, or people like kentaro miura who by all accounts were so dedicated to the craft that they worked themselves to death sickens me. And the fact that the companies responsible for this are using that as an active selling point for their product is even worse. It's a pretty miserable time to be an artist, and this is just the icing on the cake.

But I don't want silicon valley greed and bizarre, impotent jealousy from redditors who want custom waifu jpgs to mean that nobody who could really benefit from AI image generation gets to use it.

like, my dad for example. he's been a creative person his whole life but it never really went anywhere. He drew a lot as a kid and then went and got a degree in filmmaking. My parents were living in LA when I was born, with my dad managing a filming/sound studio and the two of them trying to break into writing screenplays. This did not happen because they had three kids, and for the past decade and then some my dad had been doing database programming on contract for the CDC. Now, in his mid 50s, he's finally got a permanent and secure position and, rather than spending all his free time raising children or getting PMP certified to try and angle for a string of promotions, he can start having hobbies again. there's a comic he's been wanting to draw for as long as I can remember.

only, one big problem - in 2021 he had surgery on his cataracts and never healed properly. He's got severely impaired vision and looking at stuff too hard for to long causes him a ton of eye strain and pain. He has to look at a lot of screens for his job so by the time he's off work for the day he's pretty much too fatigued to do all the intense visual stuff it'd take to make a comic.

I wanted to tell him AI image generation could help him make the kind of stuff he always dreamed about making as a kid but instead I had to tell him that as it stands, the predatory nature of AI modeling means it's insanely hard to use it without ripping off vulnerable creatives. Instead we chatted a bit about combining 3d assets, digitally edited photos, or photobashing/digital kitbashing methods to try and make a pipeline he could do without drawing, but the time commitment to learn these methods is probably just not feasible unless his eyes make a pretty unprecedented recovery in future years.

Like, that's the worst thing about all of this. The idea that AI makes the production of certain kinds of art more accessible to people with disabilities isn't just a 'gotcha' being used by the pro-AI people, it's also true. I would love for my dad to be able to make his comic. I myself also have a huge string of health issues and sometimes the main thing stopping me from drawing is that it hurts to do so. Anything in my process that could reduce the strain drawing puts on my body is an accessibility concern in some ways. Eventually degrading so much that I can't draw at all is one of my biggest fears.

But that doesn't counter all of the negatives! It just doesnt! Which fucking sucks man it just sucks so fucking bad that we have this cool incredible thing and we can't use it without being complicit in some stuff i am fully ideologically against! As things stand I really cant imagine that 'ethical' AI image generation will ever exist, so unfortunately it will have to be in the hands of the people using it to decide for themselves if they are using it in a way that is predatory or harmful, or as a legitimate tool to make meaningful works of art.

may I ask what made you pick judaism, if it's not too personal & you're willing to share? i legit dont know enough about religions so i'm genuinely curious. like why not islam or something else? or why not transfer to protestant or orthodox church? you said you did some wandering, so i'm just curious what made you pick judaism over everything else. like i said i'm not judging or anything, just pure curiosity due to my lack of knowledge! but i'm glad you found something that resonates with you :)

short answer, jewish beliefs resonated the most with me and the more i learn about it, the more at home i feel

long answer, oh boy, i really did do some wandering. i'm putting it under a cut because i wrote a whole essay

i stopped going to the catholic church when i was 15, and the next... ten years? were spent trying to find myself. because i've always known that i believe in something more, but the idea of an old guy in the sky ruling over us with an iron fist felt very odd too me. and that's how i came out of the catholic church

my dad used to say that religion is supposed to bring you comfort and give you the support you need in tough times. that's something that has always stuck with me but then, which religion?

i tried the agnostic route for a while, but that didn't bring me any comfort. then i went to a buddhist temple a couple times, because the logic was sound to me, and i was at a time in my life where acceptance and kindness was what i needed. but still, i felt like there was something lacking

i googled a lot

being gay, i didn't quite vibe with most christian denominations in my town. but my cousin invited me to the presbyterian church and i went there for a few months. it kinda worked for a bit, because i was sure i didn't believe in saints and they talked about jesus with so much love, and tried to spread the love he taught the world. i used to leave the church service feeling very loved, and it was better to read from the bible than it was to just listen to the priest read it and being told that i'd never understand it myself

i just... didn't feel the same love as everyone else. i felt like a fraud even when i was annotating my bible as everyone else. theirs were full of devotion and mine felt flat, i didn't know how to pray without, you know, scripted prayers, i felt like an impostor. then, well. then it got to a point where i couldn't simply ignore being gay for the sake of being accepted there, and i stopped going

at the time, i was working at a health clinic and i worked with pious people from other christian denominations and they were so judgemental of everyone that came in, forgetting their own past and still claiming to be a good christian. which only pushed me away from any other christian denominations, the fanon interpretation of jesus bothered me too. it all felt too restrictive

that's around the time i started wondering whether or not i believed in jesus. it's always been complicated for me to make sense that god, jesus and the holy spirit are separate but still one. i could kinda figure out the holy spirit and god working together, but for me, jesus was a man, a human man who had been kind and drastically radical for his time, but still a man

honestly, at this time i was pretty lost and finding comfort in bits and pieces here and there. christian music actually helped me a lot during this time, go figure

it took me actually meeting a jewish person (that's how small judaism is in here, i had no contact of anyone jewish for 26 years of my life) for me to learn that you could even convert to judaism

i had the catholic thinking of "oh, judaism is an old religion that doesn't really exist anymore" and "the old testament god was barbaric", but getting to learn more about it with fresh eyes was a really breathtaking experience

i like that the rules make sense. there's no "because the church says so" or "because god will be sad if you do it". whatever argument you can think of, someone has gone over it at least a thousand years ago and have had people arguing for or against it ever since. i love it that you get to ask questions!!! you're encouraged to!! oh that's my favorite part, i can have doubts about whatever and no one will talk behind my back that i'm not a good catholic girl. and i get to learn about this practice that goes back thousands of years, and not to be a nerd, but i love how much incentive there is to read and learn and discuss and talk through things and question everything and think critically about every passage, every tradition, every book ever written on judaism

i'm reading "here all along" by sarah hurwitz and there's a chapter called "freeing god from "his" human-shaped cage in the sky" and in it, she talks about different conceptions about god that jewish people believe in. and that is when i realized oh yes, this is home. because god stopped being an old guy in the sky and became this force that no human being could ever describe or understand. god can be all knowing and all powerful, but they can also be all knowing and not all powerful. they can be everything — a shadow the tree casts, the good in humanity, resting on shabbat. god can be the "process of being" or the force that pushes you to be the best you can be. i haven't explored a fraction of those but i love it that i don't have to choose just one, and i don't have to believe in one version that's dictated to me

all my experiences with judaism have been incredible so far. i used to slog through an hour long mass, now two hours every friday feel like not enough. the community i found (both in the synagogue i go to and online) is very welcoming and there's so much strength in them. the more i learn about the practices, the why behind them, the more at home i feel

we had an event for people who want to convert and we talked about being gay and judaism and everyone was pretty much you just gotta find a rabbi that you're comfortable with but even the most conservative ones are mostly chill with it, and the conversation moved on to another question. and that? being accepted fully by who i am, that's incredible for me. i don't have to change, i don't have to force myself to believe in anything

i'm gonna end this here, otherwise i'll be talking about judaism until next week

Grocery Store Fanatics ♡

Anakin Skywalker x reader

Summary: Obi Wan's missions always seemed to take unexpected turns, but after him leading both you and Anakin to a grocery store things take a turn for the worst.

Grocery stores during the holidays were always my favorite. The way that for each time of year the store was always decorated perfectly, making you feel like you were walking into a movie. Valentines day was just around the corner and the whole entire store was decorated with red, pink, gold hearts and cupids. Pink and white streamers hung from the ceiling with pieces of glitter that would shine each move. It truly looked like cupid's workshop at first glance.

Anakin ruined the whole "Valentine's day spirit" as soon as we walked through the door. The first mistake he claimed that the store made was hanging the flying cupid far to low from the ceiling, which of course he walked into. If only he knew his height was the promblem.

"Couldnt they put this any lower." Anakain pushes the flying cupid away from him (which only brings the figure closer) as Obi Wan and I watched it swing and attach onto the other decorations.

Obi Wan seemed to be disappointed by Anakins doings and sighed leaning into the heart display. "Be mindful Ankain, we in such a happy place during this holiday season." "I wouldn't exactly call it a holiday Obi Wan." Obi Wan shakes his head at the Ankian words "Its *cough* master to you". Rolling his eyes Ankain picks up the candy gumball display watching all the glitter gumballs go around the display. While being fascinated with the toy, Anakin turns the machine upside down only for all the gumballs to spill out on the floor.

Laughing by myself I watch as Anakin squirmed around to try and pick up all the gumballs."You know for someone who hates the holiday you sure seem to love those heart gumballs Ani." Obi Wan shushed me before any "hurtful" words could come out. "Remember Jedis were here on a misson."

For the most point I was highly confused. Out of all of the missions Obi Wan had taken us one, I stared to question why this so called misson us in a grocery store. "Not to be rude Master, but why are we in a grocery store?"

Obi Wan blushed and before (he thought) Anakin, and I could see he cleared his voice. "Seee uhh, we are here on this misson today because......Y/N I infer you are aware on how to bake a cake correct?"

Questionably I turn to Obi Wan and nodded by head. "Yes master of course I do." "Well wonderful because todays exercise is for you to teach Anakin all about the world of baking. By doing this the both of you too will learn power of teamwork and how to work under pressure and time."

Turning towards Anakin we both started to stare at Obi Wan confused. We had been on countless of missions and taught our own class of younger Jedis together. Even though Ankain and I have our fair shares of ups and downs we were way past the whole "team bonding exercise."

Ankian huffs and starts to run his fingers through his hair. "Master I just dont understand why-" "Enough Ankain, now you and Y/N go and find the ingredients for cake while I find the frosting." With those words Obi Wan left Ankain and I in silence still wondering what exactly was the point of today.

With Obi Wans words Anakin and I were left alone leaving us to walk in the dairy section. "Do you think Obi Wan would notice if we made the cake from scratch or if we just used the box?" After waiting quite some time on Anakin for the awnser, I finally looked at him and found Anakin staring at the shiny decorations (I knew he liked them). Tapping Anakin out of his thoughts he finally looked at me, and gave an awnser. "Honestly he's going to be mad either way, but I vote the box version."

After finally agreeing on something Anakin and I start to move away from the dairy ailse and into dessert. Suddenly I star to turn around and push Anakin and I behind the cupid cutout. "Uhhh Y/N, not that I dont love being in tiny spaces with you, but what are we doing behind cupid. Because if you wanted my heart all you had to do was ask."

Smacking Anakin out of whatever thoughts he was feeling, I began to peak out from behind cupid. "Oh, I just thought someone was following us that's all." Anakin nods his head and begins to walk out from behind cupid waiting until I had done the same. "Come on Y/N take my hand." Rolling my eyes I begin to take Anakins hand but not before looking 360 once again.

I had to admit I was still skeptical walking into the cake isle. The once cute festive decorations were now creeping me out. Making our way into the cake isle Anakin and I begin to stand infront of all the flavors. I could tell Anakin was taken back seeing all the diffrent options to chose from.

"Are there really this many flavors?" Taking a step back I begin to look over all the flavors again. "Yep basically, what flavor do you think Obi Wan wants?" Anakin starts humming to himself. "You know I peg him to be a vanilla guy, but I feel strawberry suits him." Nodding I start to agree with Anakin but not before the lightbulb went off inside my head.

"Wait Ani, what happens if the reason why Obi wan wants us to make a cake together is because he doesn't know how." Nodding his head Anakin speaks "Yes Y/N I thought we established that already." Rolling my eyes for the fifth time "No Anakin, what if the reason why Obi Wan is making us do this isnt because of his desire for desserts, but his love for someone elese!" "You really think Obi Wan fell in love?" " Yes Anakin love is possible, even for Obi Wan" I mutter.

Anakin gasps "Talk about lies, hes the biggest one, hes using us! To be fair it is only 2 days before Valentines." Nodding my head in agreement I watch as Anakin picks up the heart shaped cake tin.

Forgetting I haven't turned around in awhile I start to see a figure far away in the toliet paper isle. "Oh god, speaking of of love." I mutter. Bringing Anakin closer to the cake wall I start to whisper to him

"Uhhhh Anakin" I say whisping tugging on his sleeve. "Y/N why are you-" realizing what was going on he lowers his voice, "are you alright?". Thinking of what to say I look back at him "Remember when I told you about that ex boyfriend I had, well if you were me hypothetically how would you react if he was here right now?"

Anakin starts to lower his head making his face look filled with confusion. "You mean the one that cheated on you." Nodding I slowly creep out around from Anakin and pointed at Peter. Anakins face drops

Anakin face drops and he begins to laugh, "That's him, come on I could so beat him up, he doesnt have these Jedi moves. Plus your taste in men is becoming very questionable at this point." Smacking Ankain I start to see Brandon noticing us.

"Come on Anakin please dont do anything he already sees us maybe he won't come this way!" "Please Y/N, he just looked at you of course he's coming this way." "Well Anakin if it wasnt for your loud mouth-". Peaking around Anakins body I soon saw Peter coming closer. "Oh God hes coming this way. ANAKIN HES COMING THIS WAY! What are we gonna do?" "Y/N relax just follow my lead okay, focus on the cakes."

I couldnt even pay attention to Ankain words because just the thought of Brandon made me want to hyperventilate. Ankain put his arm around my waist and whispered in my ear. "Just relax he wont even come by us."

Looking at his hand on my waist my eyes widen. After all this time of having feeling for Anakin all it took was one ex boyfriend for him to come close to me.

Anakin kept talking, despite knowing that I was in fact still freaking out. I couldn't understand how he keep his cool and talk about cake flavors while my ex was right behind us. I tried to savor the moment of Anakins hug knowing it wouldnt last long, but then once again like everything my ex went and ruined it. I thought things were going fine until I heard a voice I haven't heard in years. "Y/N is that you?"

I almost thought he couldnt see me seeing as the contrast between Anakin and I were so vague. Anakin completely towered above me and between his combat boots and cape, I almost thought I was invisible. Standing huddled into Anakin side I thought I could hide into his cape, but I guess in all reality Ankains cape wasnt as large as I thought because Peter still saw us neverless.

Finally embracing myself I turned to my left to find Peter. Dressed in his mechanic gear, it was almost like he sunk to my height. The once great height difference I thought we had during our relationship was nothing between what Anakin and I shared.

Taking a deep breath I turned to look at him.. "Peter, it's so nice to see you. How are you?" Anakin turns around from his stance and "accidentally" almost drops the heart cake pan on Peter's feet.

Talking 3 steps back Peter looks at Anakin now almost fully realizing he was there. "I'm good it's just today is Ameila and I's 3 year anniversary so I thought I pick some things up."

Of course he was just picking things up now, he always forgot eveything. I wanted to say so many things to him but the only thing I could do was nod. Here I was finally standing in front of the guy that had cheated on me with my best friend on Valentine's day and all I could do was nod. I could think of 100 things to say and imagine all the items that were possible to throw at him but I felt frozen.

Finally thinking of the words I began to speak "Oh well it's nice that you two are still together. Its refreshing to see that my personal friendships brought you a relationship. I guess cheating does make a relationship better." I could feel Anakins glare while I spoke. I knew that he wanted to say something to Peter, but I asked him not. All Anakin did was glare at Peter, when I went to look up at him his whole face was tense. Anakins mouth was closed, jaw was tense, and the grip around me only increased.

Peter laughed after I spoke (like a lying cheater he is) and brought his attention over to Anakin. "So Y/N I see you finally have yourself a relationship on Valentines day, who's the lucky guy?" Suprised that he had the nerve to ask, Anakin was already ahead of me."The lucky guy is her boyfriend, and you would of been lucky if you hadnt been a complete asshole. Now if youd excuse us were going to spend our Valentines day together." With those words Anakin pushed us down the aisle towards the beginning of the cake flavors.

"Anakin you didnt have to do that." I say to Anakin. "You didnt deserve to be treated that way Sunshine." Anakin huffs and looked to see if Peter was still behind us, but lucky for us he was nowhere to be seen.

(Sunshine, now that was a nickname I havent heard it years. Anakin first came up with the nickname when we were young jedis. Ani, and I would always sneak out of Jedi school early (and run away from Obi wan) and escape to the meadow field way behind the building. Anakin and I would lay in the field for hours talking, laughing, and sometimes even practicing our jedi skills. Yoda was the only one who allowed us to do so saying the field provided us peace and comfort and was a great spot to practice our meditation. (If he only knew we never once meditated there).

One day while the two of us were laying in the field around the early months of spring. Anakin had made me run to the field first and promise that I would'nt look back at him. Surprisingly I listened to his words, and when I turned around there stood Anakin. Smiley 15 year old Anakin holding more sunflowers then I could count, saying that every time we ran in the field they remind him of me. The bright yellow color and the sun that would rain down on us reminded him of sunshine, and from that day on the nickname stood. But though the past boyfriends and becoming older Anakin started using the nickname less.)

Rubbing Anakians arm I began to sigh, Anakin begins to wrap hid arm around my shoulder and pick up the vanialla cake box. "You know I still stand with my word. Obi Wan I'd definitely a vanilla guy." Smiling Anakin looks my way. I began to look over the cake flavors for what felt like the billionth time when suddenly a thought came to mind. I couldnt bring myself to look at Anakin anymore, because eventually I knew the tears I had in my eyes would fall. I suddenly picked up the most appealing cake starwberry.

"Obi Wan deserves a strawberry cake, vanilla reserved for cheaters." Anakin glints at me with curiosity in his eye waiting until I continued.

"I had made Peter a vanilla cake on valentine's day, but of course that was before he cheated on my with my bestfriend." Rolling my eyes I picked up the strawberry cake box. " I think he'd like strawberry plus it has the valentines day, it matches the theme, right Ani?"

Anakin looked down at me and sighed. "Hmm, you know I agree with Strawberry and like you said it does make the perfect valentines cake." Still staring at the cake box, Anakin takes a step closer leans down to my ear and whispers "You know I just saw Peter leave, now would be the perfect time to show off my Jedi skills."

Laughing I push Anakine shoulders, "Oh and what would that be young Skywalker?" Stepping back Anakin opens his robe pointing to his lightsaber. "You know just the basics."

Shaking my head I begin to wrap my arm around Ankain. "He doesnt deserve it Ani, but don't worry his time will come." Leaving the drama filled isle Anakin grabs a case of icing while we leave. "Well since Obi Wan is no where to be found, I think we'll need this right Y/N?" Grabbing another case of the shelf I look forward at Anakin. "Yes that's perfect."

After leaving the grocery store that day Obi Wan was no where to be seen. It's almost like he used the force to become extinct. The rest of the day continued with Anakin and I baking. For the first time I showed Anakin how to bake a cake, make the perfect icing, and at the end bring it all together. Anakin was amazed with how you could take a box and transform it into food, even with trying to explain it to him various times.

Anakin and Y/N were tempted to eat the cake together and decided to just give it to Obi Wan instead. The two dropped the cake off at his apartment, and soonly left before it was dark. Anakin dropped Y/N off at her apartment,(but not without a hug) and the night was over. Y/N was confused with Anakins affectionate tactics that day, and wondered how they grew apart so much. She misses the relationship and the boy that used to call her Sunshine. I guess all it took was one trip to the grocery store for Y/N to realize how she felt. It wasnt that Y/N missed Anakin they spent merely every day together. It just finally took her this long to notice she was still in love with Anakin Skywalker, all it took was for him to call her sunshine again.

Tumblr Plays Pokemon White 2 - Part 8

((So i actually had to go back and fight a bunch of trainers to get money for more pokeballs to try and catch pokemon with.))

Well hanging out in the lot was a lot of fun but now I think I'll head back down into the sewers and get to the pokemon center. I need to prepare.

Yeah I think he's feeling a little... frustrated. Look its this whole revenge thing, I don't really wanna get into it.

Iris then asks what I'm going to do now, and honestly? While I'm aiming to fight in the gym I think I need to train some first. Get a gas mask, complete a bit more of the pokdedex. Yada yada.

Also I'm actually nearly out of the pokeballs. I've only got, like, four. And three of those I dont wanna use yet.

Guess that means one thing. I gotta fight some trainers for cash.

I start in the sewers. I opt to not use healing items like potions. I'd rather not spend money trying to buy more so instead my team and I are just going to have the train the difficult way by healing at the pokemon center for free. Once we have enough money and balls saved up we can try to fill out more of the pokedex.

Besides I wanna make sure I'm strong enough to beat Burgh and this as good of an excuse as any to train up.

I actually try to avoid most of the wild pokemon, saving up our energy for the trianers.

Turns out one of the trainers I beat is a doctor so i was able to get my pokemon healed up! And immediately after that I found a scientist who gave me a super potion! Dang things are looking up! I found a few items in the sewer I might be able use or sell as well.

Place still reeks though.

Getting curious I choose to check out that gaping hole in the sewers and find myself in a cave system (relic passage) rather than explore further I opt to leave it alone for now and return later.

((I actually completely forgot about Relic passage when making the poll. XD I think I'll include it amongst the potential places to catch mons after we get our eevee encounter once we get enough money for more pokeballs.))

AAAnd that rare bone I found in the sewer sold for fifty bucks

NICE

And I spend ALL my money on great balls. I decide it'll be a good idea to head to that little hidden park to start some training.

I wonder around in the grass a bit and run into an Eevee. A friggin EEVEE! A wild one! I can't believe this! Those are insanely rare in Unova!

EVERY trainer wants an eevee!

Bentley! Aries! Do NOT screw this up!

I swap Bentley out for Molly both to take down Petilil sooner, and to avoid Bentleys old habits from kicking in.

Don't look at me like that Bentley you know what you did!

After that it was a matter of being insanely cautious with the damage.

Once I got eevee down to a reasonable health level I decided that now, now was the time to use that Ultra ball I was given back in Aspertia.

Ultra ball dont fail me now!

I select.

I throw.

aaaaaand

Eevee on the team!!!

Ohhhhh he is just so CUTE!

What shall I name him? I mean he was the first pokemon in this whole thing to win, more or less, by a massive landslide. So I feel like I should incorporate that in the name.

I asked my sister what I should name this Eevee and she suggest Pollemachus in reference to him winning the poll. That sounded werid so I was considering Champ but while we were discussing it and even seeing if Pollemachus would fit into the pokemon nickname section (it did not) we wound up coming across the name Pollux. Which apparently means "very sweet" some sources claimed it also meant "crown"? I'm not sure but given this pokemon by a Poll that was absolutely no contest I think it only seems right to give him a name in reference to it.

So after a LOT of debate the little Eevees name became Polux.

And now for the moment of truth.

The nature check.

I spent so much time looking for this Eevee. I can only hope the pokmeon challenge gods look favorably upon me.

Okay

Bentley. Quiet Nature.

Aries. Hasty Nature.

Molly. Hardy Nature.

Polux.

...

DOCILE NATURE

YES.

Now of course Polux is gonna need training but I think I may be okay to challenge the bug type gym!

There will be a set of new polls soon!

Also on our recovery, a lot of the time when I state "we are at functional multiplicity" and want to explain it, a part of me gets caught up on the fact that we don't formally know or communicate with a whole half of our system - not be cause I think it discredits me or that I don't understand how I can have both, because I do - but because I know verbally and as someone who was not at this place even just a year ago that it sounds impossible to be so sure while formally knowing so little

And so usually I dodge around it and allude to it despite knowing that no one on here is both not blocked (or soon to be blocked) and an ass to go "owo liar" or "well i think you just want to be at functional multiplicity and are in denial" (<- thats borderline gaslighting, anyone who would say that is projecting and assuming we don't know our own experiences because they don't) solely because until this post I didnt have the verbage to explain it

But the reason I can be confident in the claim AND know so little is because at a certain point in healing, I learned to be in tune and listen to what I assume is similar to a singlet's "gut intuition" and "inherent sense of whole self" and for me it is this hard to describe nonverbal solely emotional sense of knowing about the whole self and the sides of it and I've largely learned to tune myself into that very quiet inherent sensation and to trust it

Its not a part in the system, its not a gatekeeper, its not any thing telling us anything, its a collective sense that most frequently fronting / co-conning parts can tune into if they try that just... is there.

Its amorphous, unclear, and has no inherent stable nature or traits - no face no voice no existence, just an intangible feeling of Knowing about ourselves. There is no reason we Know these things, no explicit evidence, facts, memories, experiences or testimonies. The experience we tune into just simply Knows.

And at this point? We trust it. Its our very ambiguous, blurry, foggy, silent and mysterious collective self - not one with an identity but one born by the connection of all of our parts - like a red string of fate that ties our intuitions together on the same page.

No one who is actively, consciously around knows the depth of what lies on the otherside (save for maybe one but I think she is just the most intune with it and bullshits on the fly off of it) and while we dont actively consciously know ANYTHING enough to make a case as to how we "know", we don't need to know to Know anything about ourselves

Whatever esoteric ethereal sense of self charges the Knowing knows and so we know because that ethereal sense of self that Knows is Us. We know ourselves even if we dont Know Ourselves.

It's funky shit honestly to put into words but it totally makes sense and is intuitive in practice.

We know because we just Know. We know because its us. Why WOULDNT we know?

Hello, i just wanna ask what do you think of the manhua JC? dont get me wrong but there scenes that i haven't read in the novel that were shown in manhua even briefly. For example, that JC hugging his puppies. While it was outrightly said that he did have dogs that were sent out after WWX came to lotus cove, I don't really think he was that emotionally attached to them considering how fast he changed his mind. Those little panels of things that were probably implied makes a lot JC delulu stans make him more uwu. While i dont think that child JC is that bad, he is a child for one thet throw tantrums. Even teenage JC is redeemable probably since he was not that bad yet, but i just dont get how they justify him being secretly uwu kind etc whatever it is a positive trait because of his innocent? past self. isn't it ironic how WWX said that JC didn't change at all in the 13 years he was dead, implying he is still immature and the same as ever. I also dont get the part where somehow someone who has such personality is becoming likable to many people, changing his character to fit their description. A few others, i dont really remember but im sure ive seen some, who have evidence of their claim that are too weak to support and does not give the whole picture. As someone who likes JC's patheticness, this is so bizarre to me that i dont really want to involve myself in tiktok or twt. sorry for the long rant, have a great day!

Hello there, Anon.

To be honest, I don't particularly pay any attention to mdzs manhua aside from simping its WangXian moments, lol. Like, my only basis is the original, mdzs novel, whereas other adaptations are just entertainment. And for entertainment, obviously I will only focus on WangXian.

So far, among the other adaptations, mdzs manhua is the closest to canon. Even then, there are things that were changed due to various factors, such as to shorten the lengthy original content or to add more humor, which is common in comic, manga, or manhua.

I mean, things about softening the characters in the manhua was not only done toward JC as far as I know. We saw how Lan Qiren being pretty much drawn like a comedic relief. Even Su She moments in the Second Siege was also drawn in quite a funny way, that makes us the readers find it hard to really immerse ourselves in the severity of the incident, in fact.

Is that a good or bad thing? That depends. For entertainment, mdzs manhua is really good, both from content and arts. Just don't take them as canon material or meta material, since there has been changes due to various consideration. And when things change, it's not Original anymore🙃

The fact I have Twitter just to use the username to login on other websites, and the fact that I don't own TikTok at all, makes me unqualified to say things about mdzs fandom on Twitter or TikTok, lol. I'm sorry, Anon. Honestly, aside from Tumblr and Lofter, I don't really engage in mdzs fandom on other platform...?

But characters with pet attribute generally spark more interest with fans. Just like how WangXian and rabbits and Lil Apple are. Canonically, kid-JC is indeed fond of dogs (puppies or adult dogs I don't know).

Though, whether this fondness is a long lasting fondness is a question. Because after Wei Wuxian left YMJ he didn't try to own any dog. Some fans take it as JC being loyal to WWX, like, he was waiting for him to come back, etc. But, another fact is that, if he is still fond of dog but didn't want to own it due to WWX, then why wasn't he the one who give the dog to Jin Ling? Isn't he supposed to be the best Uncle for Jin Ling?

My headcanon is that, the adult JC likes dog, but not particularly fond of it like how other Dog lovers are. It's like how most people are enthusiastic when they saw stray cats, but that's it, most people won't dedicate themselves to adopt them, gave them foods, or help them. Most people just "like" But not fond enough to dedicate their life for pets. And so is Jiang Cheng toward Dogs.

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals and followers ⭐️

Lets see pretty easy honestly

Coffee Coffee is basically my blood at this point I love the smell enough to be enough to cheer me up a little. I love trying new coffee, and new places or just walking down the coffee aisle of stores. I had a degree in art and i make the joke all the time that im gonna be a braista but sometimes? I generally wonder if I would truly be happier that way. I sort know a lot about coffee for no reason outside of my like for the drink

ducks I feel my account got the most active when DT17 was airing and I was submerging into the Darkwing Duck fandom. But Duck are actually a favorite animal of mine. I just think they are cute and have always loved going to the park to just look at them XD slightly personal. After highschool I didnt know what I wanted todo for a bit got pretty down I used to baby sit my sister kid for her and started taking walks to the park and we just hang out with the ducks and it sort of got me outta that funk so they are special to me uwu

dogs~ By no means is me being a dog person mean I don't like cats. I love them im just highly allgric and would kill over begin around them too long u-u I've had about? five pet dogs in my life. My current Dog Gizmo is my spoiled little boy and old man. I generally change my tone the second I just witness a dog being in the same space as me. I dont mind them laying on top of me or being all over me when I pet them either. I just think they are cute and adorable and I know way to much about dogs cause as I kid I watched a lot of shows about them on animal planet and took notes. Just cause.

Animation/ TMNT If my account never gave it away my biggest interest in animation in general. It's very much why i got into anime myself and will check out any animated thing thats comes around. I always get pretty invested in animated shows and honestly tend to love it over live action still to this day XD it's just something i have a speical link towards. I was one of few kids who was never banned from watching any cartoon, and a lot of my early memories tend to be about me watching a carton with someone speical to me and even to this day XD many of my dearest friends I met through a love of a show honestly. And this applies to TMNT a series I've always loved stepped away from the fandom but happy to return to it uwu

fictional ships uwu Oh like this is a surpise my a03 basically ships XD I just can get pretty hooked on finctional ships I enjoy despite claiming to be a mutishipper i am very very biased towards some ships XDD

This or that: Writer's edition tag!

Thank you for the tag, @pens-swords-stuff!! i love these kinds of games so much :D

this post is long, so apologies in advance! that said, i'll tag @writeblrfantasy, @ettawritesnstudies, @ren-c-leyn, and @enchanted-lightning-aes, as well as anyone else who wants to play!! as always, absolutely 0 pressure to participate if you dont want <3

(explanations for choices are optional, i am just a wordy bitch and want to Speak At Length about many things)

- historical or futuristic

as much as i write fantasy, i LOVE a speculative tech-based setting way more than i love a historical or pseudo-historical setting - which is uh. why my main fantasy world does in fact have a cyberpunk corner and Heavily Implied To Be Aliens pantheon.

- opening or closing chapter

the closing chapter is ALWAYS one that ive been champing at the bit to write for the whole book, and its always so satisfying to finally get out on the page

- light+fluffy or dark+gritty

case in point: whispers and the copious amounts of various horror, gore, and downright gut-punch scenes in millennium saga

- animal companion or found family

bonus points for the found family if theres an animal companion of course, but as much as i love wrench, she is a) not the most important member of the party and b) also a robot so i dont think she counts as an animal anyway outside of andy's dubious claims to fitting under the "dragon" definition

- horror or romance

i will write 1000 instances of "what the FUCK" for every page i struggle through writing romance as someone who does not experience attraction

- hard or soft magic system

I LOVE MAKING PUZZLES OUT OF WORLDS AND MAGIC AND STORIES. THATS IT THATS THE POST

- standalone or series

surprise! TMS may be a series and my long-running main WIP, but uh. 90% of my concepts are standalones. and tbh i like writing standalones more because i dont have to struggle with multiple books of plot and characters fitting together

- one project at a time or always juggling multiple

while i have a bajillion ideas, i struggle to get any work done if im not 100% invested in the story at hand, so i work on one at a time (while allowing myself to switch if i need to of course; but if i do switch, it's never just a few days. its months, and often seeing something to completion)

- one award winner or one best seller

honestly? id rather be recognized for my hard work in creating the characters/story via an award than via a bajillion people reading it,,, though theoretically if its winning an award at least enough people have read it to a) nominate it and b) vote for it, so? best of both worlds kinda?

- fantasy or scifi

YOU THINK I, GENRE BLENDER GEORG, COULD CHOOSE--

- character or setting description

please god. my beta readers didnt know what color embers hair was until chapter 13 because i couldnt fuckin figure out how to put a description of it in naturally. ill take describing massive trees and open ocean and vast plains of ice and cluttered rooms and stained glass windows any day but dont make me describe the narrator or i swear to fuck

- first or final draft

its the puzzle box gremlin in me like "NYEHEHEHE THE PIECES. THEY ARE THERE. PEOPLE CAN SOLVE THEM. NEYHE" and that simply cannot happen in the first draft

- love triangle in everything or no romantic arcs

we write polyamory, one (1) enemies-to-lovers, or no romance at all in this house (it feels so alienating to write no matter what but if its for the story ill do just about anything)

- constant sandstorm or rainstorm

can i say blizzard? i want to say blizzard. same "dont go outside or you'll die" as sandstorm but less worrying about water and also more excuses for the characters to light a fire and Talk About The Horrors or just commit arson

Alright, I just finished season 2 and I once again have thoughts but before that, I need to make a small correction to my previous post

This season didnt jump headfirst into serialization, I mustve misremembered and honestly, when I thought a little more about it, I dont think it ever tried to be consistantly serialized for atleast the first three seasons (after which I stopped watching). Like, this series is very faithful to its status quo which is pretty bad considering its a SLOW-BURN ROMANCE. Also, while I dont think it ever actually claimed to be Coming of Age, it is allegedly inspired by magical girl anime which have had Coming of Age elements since the genre's conception, but you cant have those if your main characters are all perpetually 14 so that kinda sucks.

Its so faithful to its status quo that all of the episodes end up having practically the same structure and there arent enough episodes that break it up so watching them all back to back makes it pretty hard to really distinguish them. I think the main thing preventing the show from getting boring as you watch it are the fight scenes which are pretty fun and inventive and, in season 2, the introduction of a bunch of new lore and heroes

Speaking of the new stuff, watching this series was kinda interesting because I felt like it was off to a bit of a rocky start and I got kinda worried because a lot of people hail it as the best season of the show so far and I was initially enjoying it a lot less than season 2 but then it did turn out to be pretty good and I liked the way they introduced the new lore and heroes and even Luca and Kagami, whom I was absolutely prepared to dislike. I think its because its all just setup but then I know that they're going to really fumble the payoff so I kinda tricked myself into thinking it was always bad when this season is actually pretty good.

Out of all the new stuff I think the Kwami Power-Ups were the worst. Its so blatantly toyetic in a way that feels really nonsensical and then they use them 2 and a half times and thats it, I dont even remember them ever being used in season 3but that might just be my shit memory

Im just going to restate that I think Master Fu is unecessary and that, between the Kwamis as their guides and the grimoire existing, our superheroes dont need a Wise Old Sage Mentor. Like, just make it so that the Miracle Box was in the possession of Marinettes family but they didnt know about the miraculous and then Marinette finds out but she only has the Ladybug (and maybe the fox and the bee) and all the other ones have been scattered all around Paris or even the world and then come up with some way for Adrien to get his hands on the cat miraculous idc

Luca was fine, hes a bit too bland and Manic Pixie Dreamgirl-ish for my taste except iirc he doesnt even end up advancing Marinettes character in any way, which is pretty much the only purpose a MPDG can serve, so like, what the point, but in this one season hes a good setup to become an actual character later on. Its a shame he never does, but still. I actually loved Kagami which is suprising because I mainly remembered her being kindof boring with some mildly offensive japanese stereotyping and fetishizing sprinkled on top, but shes pretty fun and likable. I love how awkward yet genuinely confident she is and I like the way she and Marinette interacted in Frozer, however briefly. I really liked Frozer in general, it was honestly really cute watching the four of them go on this litzle double date, I totally get all the polyshippers now, especially the Adrigaminette shippers. That being said, Kagami and Adrien really arent working for me as a couple so Im not looking forward to that

Alya, Chloe and Nino were fine as heroes its just that they dont really get any development (other than Chloe) and pretty much all they do is make the plotpoint where Ladybug and Cat Noir cant reveal their identities to each other pointless and nonsensical which is bad because thats the only reason the love square exists and the love square is like, the one Big Thing that this show has going for it. Alyas Rena Rouge suit is literally just Lilas suit down to the body being much slimmer so that sucks. On top of that, she and Queen Bee are unfortunately cursed with having to wear patterned skin tight latex suits with basically no other details because theyre girls in Miraculous Ladybug. I do really enjoy Queen Bees transformation sequence, it has so much personality and while I dont really like Chloe's civillian I do like that it has the same color scheme as her hero design almost like shes broadcasting the fact that shes Queen Bee without a care, even with clothes. Chloes arc was also really interesting and I liked the direction they went with her, i just wish her character development was more consistent because there were episodes where she seemed genuinely reformed even if she hasnt lost that Mean Girl exterior and then there were episodes where she just went back to being genuinely awful again. I dont have a lot to say about Nino except that I hate the hood and I hate his colorscheme. Theres a part in Heroes Day where they show the streets of paris from above while theyre parading these floaties of all the superheroes around and you can see how good Ladybug, Rena Rouge and Queen Bee look together with all of them having these warm main colors and Carapace just sticks out like a sore thumb, just put my man in a lighter more-yellowey shade of green Im begging you

One of the main reasons I was worried about season 2, beyond me mixing up stuff from season 3 with stuff from this season, was the way they handled Cat Noir. In the first season he was being playful and a little flirty with Ladybug but he had a similar playful attituide towards most of the people he interacted with and I guess the writers noticed that it didnt really come across as an actual crush on that part of the love square, so they made it a lot more blatant and made him come on to her much more strongly. Its clear to me that we're meant to symphatize with him when Ladybug rejects him but it seems that no one told the writers that unrequited love is only sad when they never voice their feelings to the person that doesnt love them back, when they keep making romantic gestures towards them even after an explicit rejection, thats just entitled, pathetic and cringe. It couldve been worse but season 1 was a bit better about it

I did like the Adrienette side of the love square far more this season though! Since they actually allowed Marinette to talk to him properly, Adriens personality got to come out more again and it felt like less of a shallow celebrity crush on her part. Its a realy shame that, instead of just continuing to go in this direction with the Love Square, they added Kagami and Luca as these pointless diversions. I think they could have worked, but maybe in a series that focused more on interpersonal relationships in general as opposed to just romantic ones or in a series that decided to get more wacky with it. Like, instead of there being The Love Square and then Luca for Marinette and Kagami for Adrien as Love Square Diversions you couldve had Marinette slowly form this deeper connection with Adrien while she also realizes how genuinely sweet and attentive Cat Noir could be but then Luca comes in and hes so interesting and cute but then Kagami is forward and confident like a realf life Ladybug and she starts to really admire her but oh, she never really noticed how much Alya always supported her and helped her grow....... and then do the same thing for Adrien. Like, go big or go home, GET WACKY WITH IT OR DONT GET WITH IT AT ALL

Hawkmoth is still really hard to take seriously, no surprise there. The moments where he cared about his son and even Nathalie in Heroes Day that were supposed to humanize him were fine, just kinda frustrating knowing that theyre gonna make him even more comically evil in the next few seasons and that its going to be inconsistant

Thats pretty much it. Pretty good overall, but hard to truly enjoy when you know whats coming

Thanks for reading ^^

i dont know if my memory serves me right anymore

i dont think im remembering any of the things i claim happened to me correctly anymore

i feel like all this trauma and abuse i say happened to me is a lie , that im forgetting and saying things that were honestly super minor in the moment , but became something i twisted the details of in my head into something worse than what it was , because i had forgotten

did my nana really say unpleasant things to me that warranted me to say she's extremely self centered and manipulative? did my mom really treat us that poorly as we grew up , when i know she's bipolar and i need to be more understanding of her and not get angry or hurt? did my aunt really do things that deserved her to not be called an aunt by me anymore , and make me recoil at just hearing her name?

surely im not misremembering things that my nana has done to get her way. surely im not misremembering mistreatment i faced from my mom. surely im not misremembering how i had to wear a plastic smile all the time to satisfy my aunt.

but am i?

im just holding grudges against family and trying to escape for no reason. right? if i made a list of all the terrible things my nana , mom , and aunt have done , everyone would agree they're bad , until i say all the good. then , i become an ungrateful child , because i care so much more about how i was wronged by them instead of the nice and pleasant things they've done for me.

not just them. my whole family. im not being understanding enough of everyone. i had to make it all about me.

that kid who "sa'ed" me , did he really? wasn't i just asking for it? it's my fault , and i had no right to escape. right? all that flashbacks and breaking down , that only started to happen 6 years after the situation. was it really that serious? did it really affect me that badly? im intentionally thinking about it , right?

ive talked to friends about my family and that incident , they say my family definitely could've been better , and some relatives it's understandable that i want to leave them behind. that the things they did weren't normal. that even if i did something that was completely wrong and i did deserve to be punished , the punishment i was given was too extreme. that things some relatives have said aren't okay. that my dad had no right to threaten to sock me in the jaw for cussing at school when i was 10 , that his ways of snapping me out of episodes really aren't necessary or okay , that my mom isn't showing me the respect im looking for and that i don't owe any of my abusive relatives anything. that the situation wasn't my fault and i didn't deserve it , and such thoughts are a common trauma response to sa and r@pe.

ive trusted them on that for a while. but i keep thinking maybe all of us are in the wrong.

i say all that and ill just be given nice words in return , when i know im a bratty child and really it is all my fault.

i have been self-gaslighting heavily for a few weeks now. when i talk about it with friends i tend to fall into the spiral into thoughts that im in the wrong and everyone else is right. the gaslighting is working , luckily , that it is entirely my fault and i need to get a grip , and repair the damage i have caused my entire family. i need to treat them like people and show them my love instead of hating every second of being around them or receiving any contact from them.

i feel like ive forgotten everything and this gaslighting will eventually make me forget entirely. i can feel sorry for myself all i want , i just can't act like or say i was abused or manipulated or anything. others have it worse , i cant say such things about myself.

right? because nothing actually happened right?

everything i say really is for attention right?

im imagining things that never happened right?

i don't remember. it's all a blur.

proship anon again. I'm sorry if I got a bit heated. I'm very thankful that you are a kind enough human being to say that even despite being vehemently against those types of content, you still don't condone the harassment of people who create it. honestly I'm really glad to hear it.

I think myself and lot of other proshippers who do engage with these things in a completely online space tend to feel like we are constantly in danger because of the current social media client. I personally was "called out" as a pedophile when I was only 17, literally just because I said it wasn't okay to harass people who make dark/problematic content. so like. I'm sure you can sort of see where I'm coming from.

I guess the way I see it is that at the end of the day if an actual, literal pedophile can get their fill of that kind of thing in a way that is entirely fictional and in no way harms real life children, I would prefer that they have that as a substitute to the horrible alternative. I can't claim to understand how that sort of person's mind works but like. idk. I am aware of how insane this sounds I hope you understand what I'm trying to get at here.

anyway I don't want to get into it more, it's tiring for me to talk about, too. I'm really sorry I came at you like that, I'm just kind of like. frustrated that my friends and I who I know would never hurt anyone are getting lumped in with criminals and abusers. it sucks. I don't think there's one entirely right answer. I just wish the whole thing was handled with nuance, and very much to your credit, you do handle the situation with nuance, so thank you.

again, I apologize for bringing this upsetting topic back into your inbox again. I won't send any more messages about it. I hope you have a really nice day <3

oh its totally fine!! thank you for your kind words!!

and yes, i can understand where youre coming from. its a bit unfortunate that this whole debate is handled in such a black and white fashion when theres so many factors at play. like we've been over, people who actively engage on the side of "antis" tend to be teens. often times they know that something is wrong, and as theyre getting older they feel like they need to take more action /against/ what they think is wrong. i sincerely believe alot of it is out of good intent, and that they think theyre doing the right thing, but when youre 14 youre not very likely to have much grasp on the whole picture. you just see something bad and want to put a stop to it. the drive is admirable, but the execution can unfortunately become inhumane

i dont have a solution for any of this. i dont know what the best approach is. but thats why i at least wish to give people room to speak and to genuinely listen to whats on their mind (at least when it comes to fandom discourse and not like. unfiltered bigotry). i feel like genuinely talking things over and explaining ones side is the least we can do if we wish to remain civil and empathetic to one another, because at the end of the day my main principle is just not wanting people to get hurt. thats my core desire

we may disagree, but i hope you have a good day too! and stay safe out there!!

I love your Erwin longfic and fics! One of the reasons why the your fic literally broke my year 2022 beautifully. When I was at work, I was always thinking about the current episode or what was going to happen in the next episode. It was a good time. Honestly, I wasn't that interested in Erwin until I came across your fic. I can honestly say that my view on him is neutral. Because I'm a Levi simp haha. I rarely read one-shot fics here and there and as far as I remember, I didn't come across many long serious fics with dynamics. This must be what some fans are talking about when they say there are very few ErwinxOc/Erwinselfship.

And even though years have passed, I rarely go and read your fic. The last time I read it was on quotev and if I remember correctly I noticed some changes between some lines there and Ao3/Tumblr. I wonder if you edited it.

Anyway, without further ado, I'd like to ask a few questions if you don't mind me asking 😭 I hope this doesn't sound like a selfish question, but are there any Erwin fics you plan to write in the future, like a drabble? And are you open to requests? Speaking of drabble, I would love to see a DITB marriage oneshot haha. On another note, I'm an ocxcanon sucker and I want to say that I'm intrigued by your Oc. Does her have a name. And information about her 😳

Anyway, take care of yourself muahh ♥️❤️🩷

first of all,

please let me know who u are so i could send hugs and kisses your way :( ♡ i dont think i could ever get over with the fact that people reread my craft. like GOD!!! do i even deserve such a praise!!!

and what a coincidence bc i also was neutral with erwin until DIB happened!! i decided to make him my muse when a friend told me she hates erwin for being a 'war criminal'. while i already symphatize with his tragic story, i wasn't knowledgeable enough to counter my friend's claims. writing DIB was also a slow but fun journey for me to transform my sympathy for erwin towards sheer empathy, all the while appreciating how well-written he is as a character ;')

i see ure a quotev reader as well! posting the story in another platform was actually my attempt to inspire myself into editing the whole thing. u see, the first versions of DIB was SO poorly written grammar wise ;( but despite the motive, i only managed to edit until chapter 17!!!! idk maybe i loathed the chapter 18 so much i couldnt get myself to reread it anymore

and oh, dont worry abt the questions! i literally squealed when u said you wanted to know more about my OC 🤩

are there any Erwin fics you plan to write in the future, like a drabble? And are you open to requests?

this might be a sad revelation, but ;( i only plan to finish all my WIPs and then i'll bid farewell to this acc at last. i'll archive it tho so readers could go back to it whenever they want. finishing the WIPs in question could take long so im not very sad abt it yet lmao. that said, my request box is closed for good.

Does [DIB OC] have a name. And information about her 😳

oh man. OH MAN. the info dump im yet to tell you 😔 hMDKSDJ i haven't really thought of anything aside the face (which i posted here) but if u want!!! i could draw it for you!!! <3

i. some intro / sys stuff

hi hello hi. its me your favorite normalguy.

i made this sideblog because i have been (over the course of the last two years) thinking a lot about my own behavior and the way i process & react to things. that feels like a really big blanket statement actually... umm ok how to phrase this.

for a very long time i was anti-self-dx. not so much anymore, though i will preface this by admitting that while osdd-1b is the label i am (privately) using for myself right now, i am not going to claim any sort of officiality to it. i dont think i will ever be in a place where i can speak to someone with the capacity to provide a diagnosis about these things; i can barely discuss them with myself. so here we go.

a) who are you?

right now, i think i'm blake. it can be hard to tell sometimes. the way i differentiate, as someone who does not (for the most part) experience amnesia, i try to maintain an awareness of changes in my thought process, feelings on certain topics, feelings about myself, and the memories i am capable of / comfortable with accessing. those differences are stark enough to make it clear that im not the same person as the host.

b) who is the host?

the host is... you probably know if you're here. i will censor with three slashes (///). when he's present (fronting?), he is not comfortable with this blog. when he's not present, i end up like this. feeling untethered, unsure. displaced. and these feelings deserve to be acknowledged. if they aren't processed, i fear that things will only circle the drain and i (or we?) will never get better.

c) who is blake? who are the others?

right now, i am blake. im not sure how many others there are. adam is certain, and we knew about him before anyone else. he's always angry. i cannot tell if he is a persecutor or protector. either way, he sucks. michael is a bigger question: i'm not entirely sure he and i are different people. the name feels important, but then again so does mine. as for who we are, who i am, i don't really know. i tend to take the pilot's seat whenever the host delves too deeply into triggering topics or memories. i can talk about that in a separate post, though. also, there may be more of us, but it can be hard to tell. i know the host suspects a girl, but i don't know her name. she is the youngest, though i don't know how young. again, we can go into detail in a separate post. to summarize: adam, blake/michael, host, and ???. thus far.

d) do you ever want to "become whole"?

yes, i think so. maybe someday. i don't like feeling like this. admitting that there was a "dissociative problem" going on with me took a very long time to begin with, and honestly i would much rather be able to say with certainty that "i am [the host] one hundred percent of the time." but at this point i can't keep telling myself that when i am sitting right here, and i am not the host. doubly so when adam is around.

so here we are. this is a pretty long post but i think it'll suffice as a start. once again, this is all very new to me, both because i have not been openly subscribing to this label, and because i do not have any sort of community. i have a number of system mutuals, but it's not like i've reached out and said "hi i am maybe one of you i think" so... i've kind of been living like this in the dark. if anyone sees this and wants to talk to me about it, please please do, and thanks for sticking around.

everyone supposedly has an fs and soulmate yada yada yada but if we havent met ours and if we dont care to really date anyone would it matter if we passed away early, like would our fs or soulmate feel it? do we have to have our lives put together in order to form the connection with our fs?

so many ppl including relatives and cousins either have their lives put together or theyre certainly doing something right and they have all either got their partners or careers and im just like how is that not happening for me then i question if i even want that and then i think well it doesnt matter cause i will die eventually so whats the point?

honestly im not fussed abt existing these days, like im not anyone special i dont have a need to achieve things anymore, used too but then i said fuck it and gave up on trying to exist and succeed. its always something like im either at the wrong place or wrong timing or some other situation in the past that held me back from going for something, or i just lacked what i needed to succeed or im too old not young enough not pretty not rich enough its always that im seemingly not something enough and if life is always abt trying to be a people pleaser instead of pleasing ourselves then im done lol. i will gladly yeet myself out of society and into heaven if i have too as thats probably the only point where id be truly happy as i wouldnt have to do anything ever again and i would never have to feel regret or shame for not having my life put together at this age.

sorry for ranting but im just so over being a person, it has severly sucked. wouldnt recommend instead be a rock in ur next life if there even is a next life, if theres a next life then i would also be done with that full stop too. and the thing about soulmates or even trying to get a partner is its yet another thing that you have to be almost attached to them 24/7 like friends where people can and will dissapoint you over and over and a lot of people will pretend to like you then only want something from you for their benefit so again whats the point when wanting a partner or even a social group? but if we donr have that we are never going to be on anyones radar anyway? might as well not bother with any of it tbqfh.

again sorry for ranting but either i want to not feel like i lack so much even in skills or talents and most times i just want to be a nobody oh wait thats what i already am haha.

Woah! First and foremost, I want to tell you that life is worth living and your life matters. Truly. For no other grand reason but that you are YOU and your purpose is being here, or you wouldn't exist. The universe has a reason for you to be here, or multiple reasons, and you matter, even if you struggle to find that reason(s). And please, let me know if you need help finding resources for mental health.

Second, I think a lot of people feel all these things, and I definitely have felt this way in the past. Maybe sometime I'll write my life story and how things have changed over the years or something, idk. BUT, you are not alone, and there is help out there and ways to make your life better, no matter your situation. Your life could be complete crap and you would still be able to turn it around. I am a firm believer in this.

The caveat, though? Its your choice, and your hard work that makes your life what you make it. We are all given different circumstances but just because we are born in some mud doesn't mean we have to wallow in it. The happiest and most fulfilled people have made the active choice to pull themselves out of their depression and habits and have changed themselves and their lives through emotional and physical labor. Life is not easy. It never claimed to be. THAT SAID, though, life is easier the more aligned you get with the universe and everything around you, and is truly breathtaking, and that comes with healing and changing. You learn psychology (how to take control of your mind), the ways of the world (how to build a support system and community), the metaphysical ways of the world and things we can't explain (some people call this spirituality or religion), and a past time that you genuinely enjoy (some people call this a purpose or sometimes its just a way to make money/survive), and you end up creating a life for yourself that you enjoy. That is the secret to living a happy life. Not higher education, not certain jobs, but honing in those skills will unlock the (seemingly) secret of being happy and will help lead to everything falling in place. A support system is usually the first step because figuring ourselves out is hard and we will need support, then we start mastering our minds and thoughts, and then we usually move onto spirituality to help us answer things our logical mind can't explain, and then we usually find our purposes or things that make life worth living. Things that truly make us glad to be alive.

We all reach a breaking point in our lives (anyone heard of the famous midlife crisis?) and are then given a choice of what we want to do. Usually there's truly no way but up, because the other option is to simply give up and not live. And we, intrinsically, really do want to LIVE. Maybe just not the life we were living. So we get help. Professional help. We reach out to our loved ones and figure out who we can actually rely on when we're at our worst. We build our support network while we work on our minds with the professionals. We start our journey of mastering our minds and working in conjunction with our bodies again instead of giving up. We work on our anxiety, depression, mental issues, and stop overworking ourselves and ignoring our body's signals for rest or change. And then we're left with other questions and needs, so we start delving into spirituality and religion. We start looking at the world around us and society in a different light, because obviously the way society trained us isn't working. The system doesn't work. It wasnt made for spiritual beings, it was made for work drones. And humans are not work drones. Some people find solace in certain religions. Some people just adopt different spiritual practices. We all answer our questions in different ways. We're all living in our own realities and through the lens of our own minds that are wired differently. And then our community and support networks grow. And our minds grow. And our abilities grow. And we start to see these little glimmers of hope of why we like being alive. We look at things in a new light. And then maybe we finally see our purpose, the one outside of just being (which is our main purpose), and, big hint, it usually has something to do with helping others for a lot of people. It is almost never a specific job or title or actual act of doing something. Its an idea. A construct. Maybe we were made to help teach others. Maybe we were made to bring joy to others. Maybe we were made to create with others. Maybe its all these and more. It usually has something to do with connecting with others, which is where we all find the most happiness. Being seen and heard. Helping others be seen and heard. Making a difference, finding meaning. Our hearts and our minds know the plan long before we realize it.

We all have the power to get here. But its a choice. And its a tough one. But its one every single one of us is capable of making. We start by choosing ourselves. By choosing to love ourselves. By radical self love and compassion. And once we choose ourselves, then we can start connecting with others in a more meaningful way, instead of people-pleasing or living for others wants or wishes. We need to be authentically ourselves first. It all starts with you. The real you deep down.

So, I do not have the answers to the questions you ask. The philosophical questions you brought forth is different for everyone, because everyone believes something different. What I say doesn't matter if it does not resonate with your truth and your reality. And no one truly knows these things or has the answers until we have left this world, and the fun part about life is experimenting and trying to figure out the questions while we're here.

What I will say, is finding the answers is easier when you don't skip steps. You seem to have a lot you need to ask yourself before asking others, and finding what matters most to you and figuring out why you have the questions you do and what that means mentally and emotionally. I sense a lot of anxiety and depression and anger and grief and self confidence issues, which will get in the way of a lot of things you are talking about achieving or have questions about if they are not processed and addressed. These are all normal things to deal with, but still things that need to be dealt with.

I could rattle off my own personal opinions about everything you ask, but again, it will not resonate with you if its not for you, and the mental blocks will still be there even after.

Having answers to things does nothing for us if we do not know how to use the information given to us.

Work on yourself and learn how to use information to make changes, and you will start to understand more about the world and things in it, even unseen.

The information I've given above tends to ring true for everyone I've encountered in life thus far, no matter age/gender/race/etc. People just figure it out at different ages and stages in their lives. But even religions tend to agree on these necessary steps taken to reach a higher place in our lives. I hope that it's helpful enough to start you on your journey towards everything you want, and lead you to a life that makes sense for you and one that you find happiness in.

(Adding this post to my pinned list under "How To Find Happiness" for anyone else who may need to hear this information)

As if coming back up for air, when miscalculating in depth and pace, in to deep, that first intake of breathe after you've held it in for only seconds longer than intended... the intensity of my being aware, though just dawning on me...weighs heavy...as if my lungs were to ache...i truthfully feel as though I've missed years...wading amongst dark and murky waters... and I do not know what to think just yet...im only just here... I may sound out of my mind... in what it is I say... I don't understand how heightened my emotions have come to be... I can not put in words the anguish they bring. And my thoughts... most days I tend to manage. Treading ever so lightly... does it make any sense that I know, and for certain, that I won't be going to the place of nowhere I'd put myself in...not again...i also feel there's a block..and I know that I did so to myself... I feel a crack...bits and pieces come back... and on an off day, I am left holding on for days- i dont even wish to be anywhere near me.. a ligit mess. The waves constant in trying to make sense. It does and doesn't. When I get in this state, it is a war with no one...just me... and I'm fighting fear, coming off so angry.. hostile...I feel like I'm drowning... I feel aweful for how I react...because I already know...lost in my head..the simplest thought it seems, harmless. Out of knowhere, I see it in slow motion even the gaps in between. And I know I over react... bombarded with the overthinking. I will find a spot on the wall...it is the life raft...till I can get a grip... ((I was show the basics, tought myself how to swim. No professional by any means. Treading water though.. lol...I can do so effortlessly, hardly breathless...I focus on the water, pretend that it is only a gentle ripple....I would challenge myself... how long till I decided to make my way to the shallows... I couldn't give an amount...I believe I could go hours...I want to say I could even hold out a full 24, id make a bet on it..a whole day...)) in the days it takes, to crawl back..finding my normal...I don't quite know what to with myself... no idea of the direction to take, unsure of the turns if at all any I could even attempt... to even try and ease even a step..I find I hesitate mid way...overwhelming...but I do not claim this at all weakness. I no longer fear how it is I sound to others... I honestly don't mind if ears don't even catch what is a half hearted attempt at giving my mind even a moment to sort out the haywired mess i have unintentionally let come to be.. I was quick to notice how loud the world is...in silence I have an urge to plug my ears, even a peaceful quiet Is damn near deafening... together there is just to much madness... to many voices, and there is always that one, the ones who love the sound of there own voice...and I on the side lines watching... I don't mind this feeling as though I've fallen a step or to behind... that is not at all a worry. I watch everyone else hurry about. Blurry. Time may have caught up with me... I try so hard to hear the very important and keep track of what is being screamed of me.. I don't catch it all... in this aspect though... I have a way with words... and a means to let them go just as hope to show...because no one is really listening... words, like love...another example of one I dare voice, is peace....how anymore it is heard so shortly after openly speaking of waging yet another war... what is it this time?? Not upholding a treaty...peace and all whom signed... peace is not even in our sites anymore. A false hope. And without even a hint, or warning as to what may have been done wrong...snap of a figure, sound of alarm...taking back Things.... just things... and I must say it descents me...how something to fuel your multimiliondollar vehicle, is worth lives. a number so high that I don't dare put number to... barely even making enough to put food on there table..to stare at whats left of a home, watching it crumble as they sit in prayer and surely not enough to keep there health in check....peace....

I apologize for the off side ramble.... words have become meaningless... and in making it through even a day...I hold tight to love... my heart... a man who took such time...and his patience... ik he gets frustrated with me... a mess like me...I have nothing much to give. Not much at all...I still don't know how far I can go as to put what is left of the rest of me I his hands... I have no desire to darken such beauty... a burden... I am not yet broken. And I can only re wire to an extent...but I can't look at myself...let alone bring down another... even if I need to speak... that is alot... and I won't allow anyone in... thinking I need fixing....

I fear little these days...what is or may come of me...but there is fear i hold. And i openly admit i am afraid....I don't wish at all any sort of pain on anyone. I'd take it... all of it. And I would with utmost sincerity take to my grave. I have no desire hurting any one. But with these.."episodes"...im going to call... I have begun to wonder...what it is that will finally have me breake...will the crack in the block I hold that's kept me shatter suddenly.. my reason for staying amongst the living only to spite my own selfeshness.. the one more day so i may get a taste of happy...to be alive and know myself... and to share this goal, with one who love all of me...no exceptions or question.....or to appease family(even if it is so) saying, it is not the right way. It is wrong for a child leave the world before the parent... I know I did this to myself...I know I was dead. I killed a part of me. ... I fear one wrong look my way, a person who loves the sound of the ungodly noise they make, to say something ill, to point finger at a wrong, with no means to correcting...I will snap. One day. Lol...i fear of not coming back... not having the chance to apologize proper for whatever I do in said break..

If you so hear what I have voiced. I'm lucky to be content. Even if it is only for now... I don't care if what I think may be wrong by any one anymore... few will understand... and heed warning, I don't need to know of the lives that come off similar.. I don't need your pointers, telling me how I should do it your way...lol...the world so loud..Words with no meaning behind them..someone saying they will be there when I'm at a low...to tun tale and run... I have a little bit of pride tucked away... i am still fighting...you don't have to read into...nor do I expect any to listen. Or take in to note...im not at all wishing to come off rude...I'll admit in what I've written holds hostility. And tho I have admitted my greatest fear... im curious to see who is stupid enough to keep pushing... im tired... but still able to see just how far I can push my own self.... and it is not to be selfish the want i seek... it has come to that of a need. Desperate... maybe. But while dying alone as we are with being born...I want it to be the most peaceful gift life will gift me...even alone...I want to feel everything but that.... I want that love for me more than anything... if one were to believe it.. lol. And I don't think anyone would care to go deeper than that. It is deeper than my surface... the need... is anyone's deepest cut, ones that went straight through to the bone... even ones that took a limb... ita that feeling as though the wound is still there... the weather brining back nerves to what was once there... it is the feeling I seek... I think it is to much.... a loud world... full of greed.... I'd gladly give my last breathe, for a wish. I keep it to one. And whisper of it time to time..may it come True just as my heart did... just in the way I need...intended in that perfect moment..