Had a really good conversation with my therapist yesterday that has left me feeling better about life & the future than I have in... months, honestly (which also has me feeling really good about her ability to help me continue sorting through things).

I was talking about my distress about the future and in particular what I'm going to do when I graduate, since grad school isn't the most stable option, and she pointed out that since I was spiraling over hypotheticals, maybe it made sense to simply make up my mind about the first step, since applying to grad school is hardly the same as committing to grad school. And she was so right. I am so good at feeling like I need to make the right, perfect decision -- especially after making mistakes with school in the past -- that I have been worrying myself into depressive spirals over what the "right" decision is here. But making up my mind to at least apply and find out what my options are is a decision, that will give me a lot more information in the long run than paralysis over if it's "okay" to apply at all.

It'll still take a lot of work, obviously, and l don't know if I'll even get in anywhere, much less actually commit to doing a PhD if I do. But it has taken such an incredible weight off my shoulders just to say "Okay, I am going to apply, what next?" Because it means I can put all that nervous energy to actual use! Instead of spiraling the next time I start thinking about my options in the future, I can go do research on different PhD programs (without feeling guilty the whole time, like I have been until now)! I can ask my favorite professors for advice! I can reach out to current grad students to ask what they think of their advisors! All of which is actually productive and will help me make the most informed choice I can if and when the time comes, instead of ruminating endlessly on what the "best" one is!

TL;DR -- my therapist is very smart and understands me and the things my brain gets stuck on in a big way, and her advice has dislodged literal months of extremely disordered thinking just like that. Because now I feel like I've made a choice and have something to work towards. And also like I can breathe.

So when are we going to start to address the very real harm that the anti ship discourse, as well as anti para rhetoric, does to people with POCD?

Do you have any idea what it's like to obsess over the fear that you might be a ped0? I have literally spent days basically non-stop analysing anything I ever might have done that would make me a ped0 with my greatest reassurance to myself being that "I can't be, because if I was I'd kill myself." (If you know anything about OCD, you know reassurances don't actually help. When I inevitably found more reasons to convince myself I am a P, the line to off myself only sounded more and more like the reasonable solution)

In my rational brain I know that fiction isn't reality and I don't deserve to fucking die over reading fic. I never used to have a problem with problematic fic I read because it was completely divorced from reality to me. I knew that it was completely fiction, even more than that it was further removed from reality because it was fanfiction, and knowing that nobody was being actually hurt meant I could read it without questioning my morals. Reading problematic fic didn't even pop up as a worry when the pocd would come back because I knew that fanfiction isn't reality and what you read in fiction has no basis on what you like in reality.

And I still know that's true when it comes to other people, i know that people who read and write problematic fic aren't intently ped0s, but the anti discourse has fucked me up. Ever since seeing people argue that reading or writing problematic ships means that you are secretly a ped0, my POCD has latched on to it and it makes me want to fucking die. I can barely engage with any media now without fear of commiting a fucking thought crime which will prove that I'm a monster and going to commit an actual crime. It's hard to be around anyone for fear that they'll also think I should die. I've gotten so much worse in the past couple years and so much of that is because of stupid fucking anti discourse.

And then there's the anti para rhetoric that exists fucking everywhere. Seeing people say "all ped0s and zoos should kts" has made me so sick. My ocd tells me that I'm actually just a ped0 in denial and should die because of it and people saying that all ped0s, regardless of if they have or would ever offend, should just die fuels the voice that tells me to commit slip and slide more than anything else.

For fucking decades the only people I've spoken to about this are my system members out of debilitating shame and fear and self loathing. Contemplating at what point the thoughts actually mean I should just give in and end it.

There are no such thing as thought crimes.

Reading problematic fic literally hurts no one.

Telling people that they're ped0s with no proof because they read something causes real harm.

No joke, I think dungeon meshi has seriously impacted my desire to be healthy for the better. A very long and heartfelt (but spoiler free) essay is under the cut.

I have Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. Because of my OCD, some foods are safe and some are not and I would literally rather starve than eat an unsafe food (i know because it happened once on a trip to Switzerland). This means I mostly eat chicken nuggets, buttered noodles, donuts, soda, the like. The only vegetable I can eat is cooked broccoli and the only fruit I can eat is apples (smoothies not withstanding).

I'm also physically disabled in a way that makes it hard for me to exercise or do physical activity, not to mention how my ADHD and Depression fuck with that as well. I'm 'lucky'* in that I have a genetic disposition towards being very thin and probably will stay that way until I'm in my 40s (my dad was exactly the same at my age).

So I eat mostly junk food and I sit at my computer all day every day and for a long time, I've been happy with that. When I tell people about my Eating Disorder, they usually say "oh, is there a way to fix it?" and my answer is always "why would I want to?" Its not like an allergy or a medical dietary restriction. I don't LIKE any of the foods I can't eat. I don't have any reason to want to learn how to eat them.

Besides health reasons of course. I know in my head that not eating any vegetables isn't good for me but I also know that I don't really want to eat them and, for most of my adulthood, I've lived with the mindset that I think a lot of people my age have where they hear so many people say 'just eat well and exercise!' as a solution to every problem and so they tend to hate the idea of doing that. The health industry is full of too many people who are fatphobic assholes or who think a green smoothie can cure your depression for good or who just want your money or whatever and I hate that. And so I've kind of felt above exercise and nutrition.

But then I read Dungeon Meshi.

Even in the beginning, the manga was super inspiring. The way Senshi talks about taking care of your body so you can go on adventures makes it sound like something I might want to do. So much of today's health advice is shame based and, as someone who grew up in and left a high demand control group, I work hard not to tolerate shame in my life. But Dungeon Meshi posits a new view of health and nutrition, one that is centered in love for the self, love for your friends, and love for your food. It resonated with me in a way that I really wasn't expecting it to.

Over the last few years, I've been working really hard to become a compassionate person. This year, my new goal is learning to turn that compassion inward and I've been trying to do that in several different ways. When I finished reading Dungeon Meshi I knew that one of those ways was going to have to be improving my diet and exercise.

I want to be able to go on adventures (as tame and simple as they may be). I want to live as long as possible to spend time with my loved ones. I want to be able to walk around and exist without pain for as much of that time as I can. I want to love my body and act accordingly, making sure it is well fed and cared for. Hell, I've always loved the idea of cooking but haven't had the energy to really learn, especially since I can't eat most foods, but now the idea of taking the time to cultivate a skill like that, one that I can be proud of and that can be used to care for my friends, fills me with a sense of hope and excitement.

So thank you Dungeon Meshi, and thank you Ryoko Kui. If you haven't read the manga, I highly recommend that you do.

*by lucky I mean that my diet hasn't forced me to deal with the stigma that comes with being fat. I have no idea what kinds of problems it's been causing that I just can't see. I am not saying that it would be bad if I were fat, just that not being thin would mean I faced a lot more stigma and discrimination in my life, which is bad.

hi kat, i hope it's okay to vent, this has just been going through my head for about a week and i don't know who to talk to about it and the guilt is killing me. i've been with my boyfriend for about 7 years and i love him but we've been struggling a bit recently because he has been stressed about work and it's affecting our relationship a little bit. i have ocd and intrusive thoughts about our relationship and romance in general do effect me a lot. i have a co-worker who i'm not particularly close to but i always thought was kinda cute which is relatively normal to acknowledge i think and this is all i thought for quite a while but last week he was joking with me and being nice and all of a sudden my brain just suddenly latched onto him and developed a really really overwhelming crush even though i still love my boyfriend and i feel so guilty about it. it has become obsessive, i think about him constantly even when i dont want to and have unwanted images flashing in my brain of us together basically like an intrusive thought occuring and I'm basically having constant intrusive thoughts of cheating on my boyfriend with him even though that thought is horrible to me. the problem is that i feel like some of it might be genuine curiosity because i have never been with anyone else and i do wonder if maybe there is someone better sometimes but i do still love my boyfriend but i get anxious that maybe he isn't the one. but that could also be the ocd talking. I get the vibe that the coworker could maybe slightly like me or I could just be trying to see things that aren't there, I don't know. I don't think a relationship between us even would work if we were together, I barely know the guy honestly and it would be very complicated but I feel so guilty that I'm even considering it in the first place you know? I don't really know if there is a solution for this I just need to get ut out there so the guilt of this doesn't eat me alive.

First of all, your thoughts and feelings by themselves aren't harming anyone. You don't have to police your thoughts and feelings, and you likely can't. Obviously you gotta try to figure out what you want to DO about this inner conflict, but until you DO something, you are not being a bad person who's harming people. A thought can't hurt anyone but yourself. And being confused and having doubts isn't a crime. It's okay. Just think about your ACTIONS. That's where you find your power and ability to affect others. It's not inside your head. What's in your head is yours alone

I don't know if this is a symptom of AvPD but it's definitely not anything "normal" - it is a symptom of something.

I fall in love easily, over time, as I deepen my connections and feel safe with the other person, receiving the amount of attention that triggers it.

A superficial connection evolving into close relationships, then... unrequited love. It is very intense, and devastating.

Reading about "how to stop falling in love easily" or "how to not get a crush on a friend" don't really help either. Distancing myself from others and keeping relationships superficial is already something I do, for example. Or that you should rely on other friends and family - well, I will fall in love with my friends if I have not yet. If our relationship stop being superficial, it will happen 100% of the time.

Yes, even when they're partnered and married even. It doesn't matter for my feelings, all what matters is that someone is my object of love and I want them. But I can't have them so I "stop".

This is why I keep my relationships superficial and go out of my way to remain distant from partnered friends.

Unrequited love is really, really painful.

"Of course! You only think about love all the time! You need to do something else!"

Imagine my life is a puzzle.

I already have most of it complete.

There's one piece missing. I can't find it.

I could call it a day and just say "this is good enough".

But I can't. I literally can't. My brain doesn't obey me. I can't stop obsessing over it, that missing piece. I can't reframe the situation and think about all the good work I've already done because the puzzle is incomplete.

Even when I try to add other pieces that seem similar, they don't quite fit in there and that upsets me!

(Remember: this is all happening while I'm struggling with my brain to stop doing that because this is not what I want!)

Trying to not think about the missing piece makes me think about it even more.

Trying to do anything else works for as long as I'm doing things. All. The. Time. It's absolutely exhausted and the moment I stop? The missing piece! Why can't I find it?!

That missing piece is romantic love.

That missing piece is ruining everything else I have going on in my life because I can't simply ignore it, reframe it or find a substitute.

And I can't solve it either! Obviously...

Yes, this is going to keep on ruining all my relationships.

And yes, I'm positive once I find that missing piece, I'll get actually better - I cannot do that on my own, considering what I need.

I've been probably in denial for year and years about having obsessive-compulsive traits, because they don't present in the "stereotypical" forms.

It's in my mind, in my feelings.

What really aggravate things is the fact that this compulsion is not on me, towards myself or towards objects and places.

It's about other people and about my feelings toward said people.

The treatment for OCD and other Obsessive-Compulsive related disorders is medication and therapy. Medication have not helped me in any of my mental illnesses, and therapy (I can afford) is extremely limited and shallow for the type of complex problem I'm dealing with.

So no, distractions don't help for long enough. And this is not a matter of finding stopgaps and substitutes either.

I know what the problem is, I know what the solution is, I'm trying to get it but it doesn't depend on me only. It's very frustrating.

I'm happy with my life.

I finally have a self-esteem.

I can't stop my obsessive thoughts.

It's like... they exist separately from my happiness and self-esteem - understandably so! - so there's not much those 2 will be able to do to help because I can't make the missing piece issue "disappear" from my mind with a good self-esteem or happiness in other areas of life. They're completely different things.

Do you know what that space that can be filled by the missing piece represents?

Emotional loneliness.

I don't know if I'll find the missing piece. I don't know if it exists at all. I just wish I could... remove myself from it even if a tiny bit without burning out. I wish I could establish and maintain my connections and get closer, deeper, without having romantic feelings getting in the way.

I feel like I can't help it. It's not my fault.

Love (of the romantic type) is an emotion and like all of them, it has a purpose and a place.

I cannot get rid of it.

Everything you do is related to your fear of ageing. The reason you feel trans is because the hormones will delay the ageing process by a few years. The reason you’re now into ddlg/abdl is because you are desperate to feel younger than you are.

That’s also the reason you want a partner to baby you and make your decisions, and why you’re into being controlled mentally and financially, and why you’re into chastity and being denied sex. You’re not scared of being male. You’re scared of being an adult.

All the issues you have are related to your obsession with ageing and the compulsion you have to feel and act younger. It’s a type of OCD. So in your mind you have created solutions and workarounds to feel better. We call these “ritualistic beliefs and behaviours” when related to OCD.

You also have quite pronounced “mommy issues” due to the way you were raised in such a closed and doting environment with homeschooling and little social interaction, as well as being treated like a child for far longer than others were. That is likely the initial trigger.

None of that means you’re a bad person. You just need to identify the cause of your issues before you can start recovery.

some of these things may be true but i dont think its the reason im trans, bc when i started taking hormones i made peace with the fact i would still age but i would age more like a woman, i would rather be an old lady than an old man. i cant stand feeling masculine it is icky.

i definitely feel robbed of my childhood and i definitely have a lot of mommy and daddy issues yea i never deny this i feel like i do talk abt this alot i have been overly controlled my entire life which probably has produced this weird dichotomy of wanting to be super independent but wanting to be super submissive for my partners bc its what makes me feel loved

anyways such things like diagnosing i think i should probably discuss with a professionally trained person therapist more so than on anon, i dont think i have ocd i have a friend who has ocd and its very debilitating in his life and the symptoms are very different from whatever i have. i think other than occasional crippling dysphoria, executive dysfunction, and sensory overload, most of my brain problems just make me a little weird, but they've never substantially affected the quality of my life or my ability to function in work or academic environments i can be Normal™️ when i need to be

I'm perhaps one of the most easy to please Pokemon fans ever. I wouldn't identify myself as a nintendo fanboy or anything even though I love a lot of their IPs (largely because the number one prerequisite to being a "nintendo fanboy" is hating Nintendo more than anything on earth it seems), but I will be the first to admit my standards are much lower than they should be. I eat up everything Pokemon related like the blindly eager little consumer I am, I've beaten every main series game and damn near every spin-off.

All this to say I think it says something when even I haven't beaten BDSP yet, and not for lack of trying. But the game bored me to tears. I've reset my saves on that game more than any other I have in the hopes that "well, maybe the next file I'll be more attached to". I can eat my way through new Pokemon games when they first come out in a few days and never put them down, but whenever I'd put BDSP down I'd have to reset my file again when I picked it back up because I no longer cared about whatever I had going on.

I've been grappling with this for a long time, trying to figure out what it is about this remake that makes it the one Pokemon game someone as easy to please as me couldn't care enough to finish. I'll be fully honest when I say I'll happily take whatever table scraps Game Freak cares to toss me and I'm not proud of that fact lol. I love Gen 4, it's one of my favorite Gens, and I actually like the BDSP artstyle too, I think it's a fun way to keep the spirit of the original games, though it really would have been cool to see Sinnoh at full scale and free to explore in 3D.

But today after another attempted replay I think I figured it out. It's the dumb. Fucking. Experience Share.

Pokemon is a turn based RPG, battling is literally the main gameplay loop and I found that I kept putting the game down because I would get so incredibly bored by the battles. None of them felt necessary and all of them felt way too damn easy. Pokemon Scarlet/Violet had this problem too, I noticed, but what got me to finish those games was I'd never experienced the story before and I wanted to see it finished. But with BDSP I know the story, so why should I finish it if the battles are such a drag? In the original Gen 4 I'd make a point of battling every trainer on every route. I'm very meticulous about my leveling and my Pokemon all need to be within one level of each other, lol. So my incentive for fighting every trainer was to keep my team at a high enough level and also to keep my levels rounded out. But with that EXP share they're always rounded, or god forbid they have different growth rates and I have to keep putting Pokemon away to prevent overleveling which just bothers my OCD more than anything lmao.

It also makes me care so much less about my Pokemon. I cared about my team because I took time to individually raise and train each Pokemon, and if I don't care about my Pokemon then frankly I barely care about the game. In Scarlet/Violet where trainer battles have become entirely optional for the most part I barely did any of them! And in BDSP all I am is annoyed by the trainer battles. There's next to no new content to keep the game interesting and give me a reason to keep playing, and when the main gameplay loop isn't even fun anymore, why would I play at all?

I was worriedly thinking that maybe I'm just getting old and it's hampering my enjoyment of the games (Terrifying thought) but I have just as much fun with ROM hacks that I did with older games. Most notably, there's no broken EXP share. Can't we at least get the option to turn it off? I get trying to find a solution to make grinding less of a miserable drag, because grinding is always the worst part of playing Pokemon, but the broken exp share hasn't made grinding less tedious, it's just made battling as a whole feel hollow and boring.

I still want to beat you some day, BDSP, I really do. Nothing makes me feel sadder than being bored by a franchise I love and I know can do better.

Tips from fellow OCD haver that you may or may not find helpful (sorry for my bad english im not a native speaker):

💜 Worst thing you can do is doing what your thoughts want you to do. Think of your ocd as addiction. Drug addict will never get better if they keep taking drugs. Similary you won't get better with your ocd if you keep doing your compulsion/ruminations. I know its hard not to give in to your thoughts, but ultimetly quality of your life will be much much better after you do that. 💜 Don't treat your intrusive thoughts like you your treat real life problems. For example if you had thoughts like "im evil person, i want cause harm to others", you shouldn't debating whether or not you are bad person or look for evidence to back up this claims. Think of them as illusions, they look real but they aren't. No matter how scary this thoughts are, THEY ARE NOT REAL. They just illusions made to trick your mind to give them time and energy. Trying to find solution for this thoughts is like running away from imaginary monster. When your ocd tell you that you are monster, you should remember that is just trick of your mind, NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT. 💜 Don't be affraid to feel uncertain. Living with uncertainity can be very stressfull, but seeking reassurence just to feel "right" is form of compulsion and it only deepens your illness. Instead don't do anything with this thoughts. At first you will feel stress but after some time it will stop. 💜 When your ocd tell you not to do something that you want to do, DO IT ANYWAY. Do it even when you feel nervous or scared because of your ocd. DON'T try to convince your illness that is it safe. Your ocd will always find contrargument to your clames. Its like going swimming, cold water will bother you at beging, but later it will stop. When your brain see that you are safe while doing it, you intrusive thoughts will stop. You just have to do it. (The same when you don't want to do something, but your ocd makes you do it) 💜 Shifting your focus is a key. Don't try just don't think about your intrusive thoughts. My psychologist calls it "pink bear effect". The more you try not to think about pink bear, the more you will think about it. Instead try shift your focus to something else. Do something that you like, something that pulls you in. Listening to music while doing this also helps. If you don't have time for this type of stuff, you can focus on your surroudings. Count how many books are on bookself, leaf on plant or tiles on floor. You can also think about something you like. Make headcannons about your favorite characters, do top 10 list of your favorite song, anything that makes you happy. You can't think and think at same time, so talking with someone can be very helpfull. If don't have anyone to talk to, you can try reading something outloud. This topic is very subjective, so you should find things that work for you. Keep on trying and you eventualy find something. 💜 AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: be kind to yourself. Everyone has bad day, it doesn't mean you are weak. Ocd is serious matter, living with it is not easy, you are extremely strong that you still here. Don't blame yourself for doing your compulsion. Fight might be hard, but your happyness is worth fighting for. You are great warior and treat yourself like one. Give yourself lot of praise for what you went thru. Take care of yourself, give yourself nice things and love yourself. 💜💜 Ocd is not a death sentence. You can live a great life despite this. YOU CAN DO THIS. I BELIEVE IN YOU. 💜💜

Not everyone needs therapy

When someone is stuck in the deep abyss of depression and anxiety, they may feel helpless. In such a situation, anyone would try to escape their internal demons by trying to validate their sadness with labels of being 'depressed' or 'anxious' or 'having OCD', the same way people want to be called introverts because just about everyone around them is an introvert. That is how human nature works, we find comfort in associating ourselves with those who have even the slightest resemblance to our problems even if our problems are not as big as the next person to begin with. Remember, how there was a phase when everyone literally thought being called depressed was some kind of a gang sign that they could flex around! This is that.

The solution, think positive, dont make a mountain out of a molehill. Do talk about your problems, but with your loved ones. Dont make going to the therapist as common as getting milk from the local grocery store. Inculcate a positive mindset that this hard time shall pass too and that things would turn out fine like they always do. Manifest all the greatness for yourself. Shah Rukh was not wrong when he said that if you want something badly enough, the whole world comes together to let you be one with that desire.

There is a very common saying that, you cannot be haunted by a ghost that you dont know of. The mere realization or the thought, 'I am depressed' works as a negative reinforcement to your body and your behaviour. The brain actively responds to everything that we think about and aligns our actions to make it true. Therefore, keep giving yourself positive reaffirmations. These mental illnesses are not jewels to be adorned but shackles that one should never get caught in.

Even after writing all this. I do acknowledge the fact that sometimes things go out of hand. All individuals are not as high in self-efficacy as the other. Hence I also say that there shouldn't be any stigma attached in going to a therapist if you really feel like it.

S.A.M.S theories

What Sun's cleaning obsession really is about? And why Sun is so afraid of death?

I'll answer to the second question first. So why Sun is so afraid of death? It's obvious that he has death anxiety. He's overly very anxious so this is no surprise. But I think that there is more to this than simple explanation that he's coward thus it's not surprising that he's afraid of death. Because I think he's so afraid of death because he thinks this is the only solution to his and Moon's problems. Everyone can agree that the best option to resolve a problem is to get rid of the cause of it. And that's what Sun also has been thinking. And that's what Moon practically said to him in Sun learns Moon's secret episode. Every plan to get rid of Eclipse ended with Sun being dead. That's what Moon said to Sun. But it didn't ended with removing Eclipse from Sun's mind. In Sun's eyes he, himself is a problem. He always upseted Moon. He always caused problems. He always ruined everything because of his stupidity. He never could do anything right. He couldn't comfort Moon. He feels useless. Like he's good for nothing. Yes, he can clean and take care of children but that's it. He can't do anything.

With how Sun's imagination works (he has very wild imagination which we can see in various episodes where he states with such details what bad things can happen to him and Moon in various situations) it wouldn't be surprising if it'll turn out that Sun is imagining how he could die or how he should die or even how he's kill himself. It would be shocking if Sun wouldn't think about suicide regarding his mental condition and how he blames himself for everything and also regarding his personality. And at the same time it's obvious that Sun doesn't want to die which results in him being afraid of death and things which may lead to death. And also there are some hints in the show that point out that Sun harms himself (he pulls his rays a lot sometimes to the point when they don't go back to their original position which we could see when Sun was in his mindspace in October; the other time was Sun's hand which raised suspicion of Moon in that episode when withered Foxy wanted to go on a date with Moon). Probably from a lot of stress but also as a punishment for ruining everything and causing problems. I know that these statements imply some serious things about Sun. But that's what I think stems from Sun's problems.

Let's get to the first question. What Sun's cleaning obsession really is about? We can clearly see that he has OCD. But I think that it's related to organising things in order etc. OCD in regard to cleaning is related to germaphobia most of the time. But Sun doesn't seem to have a problem with children touching him or dirtying him with paint or something like that. So what's this all about? Why Golden Freddy said that Sun has a compulsion to clean? I think that answer to this question might be more obvious when we answer ourselves why Moon is the one who cleans his and Sun's rooms if Sun is so obsessed with cleaning?Sun seems to be the one who cleans the Daycare. He's responsible for taking care of it after all. So where this obsession stems from? It still doesn't seem obvious, right? One thing we can conclude from this (and from episodes) is the fact that Sun cleans Daycare many many times. Another thing is that Sun has turned his smell sensors off most of the time. But why? Of course he said that himself that it's due to kids leaving smelly surprises. Or maybe there is more to it. He has smell sensors turned off even he isn't working at the Daycare. You may say that he forgots to turn them on. Probably. But for me it seems that Sun rarely uses them. And I think that he has them turned off for some reason. But what he wouldn't want to smell? Remember that Sun spends most of his time in the Daycare. So it has to have something to do with Daycare.

So these two things: Sun obsession with cleaning and him having turned his smell sensors off because he doesn't want to smell something are related to the Daycare somehow. With this we can try to make conclusion. From what Sun would try to clean the Daycare of? And what he doesn't want to smell in the Daycare? It's must be something dirty, probably sticky because of how many times Sun cleans the Daycare and it must to smell horribly, right (I'm not talking about smelly surprise btw)? What could it possibly be? And let's not forget that Sun is obsessed with cleaning which could mean that his imagination is tricking him into cleaning. So what Sun is imagining? Before I answer this question, I'll ask you what is the one thing that was reoccuring in the Daycare except children visiting it? I'll give you a clue. It's also related to the one specific very important date in the show. Yes, I'm talking about July 16th. And yes, I'm talking about corpses of kids and blood in general. Sun has probably done a lots of cleaning after what Moon with a kill code had done. It definitely was traumatising for Sun. And there is also July 16th which Sun thinks he caused. It definitely added to his trauma. It would be shocking if Sun wouldn't have any hallucinations from all this trauma and guilt. And I think it would be a huge oversight coming from showrunners.

Love and Fury's Future

I'm writing this in the beginning of June, but if I've done my math right, the epilogue for Love and Fury escaped the queue this past Friday. There are still a couple of one shots in the works, things like where Leandra and Bruno's kids come from, or Mirabel's gift ceremony (Edit: These will start appearing on Friday), but right now I'm writing the last few chapters and I need to put into words where I want Leandra and Bruno's life to go from here in order to help me work out what seeds to plant. And since I'm writing it down anyways, I'm going to put it here and just release it when the fic is done.

First and foremost, I don't want Leandra to solve all of Bruno's problems, so much as she helps him manage. Leandra should be to Bruno what Felix is to Pepa, she's loving and supportive but there's only so much one person can do.

She'll need to cushion the relationship between Bruno and Alma, so neither of them notices how far apart they've drifted over the years. She's already in a position where Alma might feel closer to her than the other spouses, that could make her a good go between.

She doesn't know what OCD is, and definitely doesn't know the right way to support someone who has it, so she'll probably indulge it a little too much. Instead of questioning why certain things make him anxious and helping him to get past those anxieties, she'll just shrug, respect the fact that they do, and go along with it. This could probably be helpful because she might think of some solutions that reduce the impact that anxiety has on Bruno's life. But he will have fears that seem harmless enough to cater to at first, but slowly snowball into a huge deal.

Leandra will make it her campaign to ensure Bruno has strong emotional connections other than her. She, Agustin, and Felix will take the kids once a month so that Bruno, Julieta, and Pepa can have some triplet time.

Leandra probably smoothed over the wedding thing too, I can't see her not helping Bruno explain what he meant.

She will also be doing everything in her power to keep Bruno's reputation from getting any worse than it is. So, basically, Leandra will be working a full time job maintaining Bruno's relationships for him.

This will mean that he will have more to lose if he loses her. That can't be good for his anxiety. This is one of the fears that starts off harmless but over years snowballs into something mildly debilitating for both of them. Overprotective Bruno turns into "If anything bad happens to my wife, my entire life is over" Bruno, who turns into Emotional Wreck if She Gets so Much as a Paper Cut Bruno.

Leandra learns to rush to Julieta the second she gets the tiniest bruise, because if Bruno sees she got even a little hurt it will ruin his entire week.

Leandra spends her life feeling very loved and supported, but also very aware of the fact that Bruno's mental health is contingent on her never catching a cold. She doesn't dare bring up how this is affecting her emotionally because she kind of gets it. Like, she is putting in all this work just to stop the village from hating him, and it is only sort of working. Of course Bruno is kind of a wreck! It'd be weird if he wasn't affected.

Oooooooh endless cycle. Bruno fears he'll lose everything good in his life if anything bad happens to Leandra, his anxiety stresses Leandra out but she understands there's not much he can do about it, she tries to help him build other healthy relationships so he's less dependent on her, this reinforces that she is the source of good things in his life, and thus reinforces his fear of losing her. The only way to break the cycle is for either Leandra to stop loving Bruno, or somebody reaching out to Bruno without Leandra's prompting/influence.

She bonds with Felix, who deals with something similar, over this. The only people who let Pepa just feel her feelings are the other two triplets and the spouses. And Bruno and Julieta are already dealing with their own problems. When Agustin eventually complains about how overworked his wife is the three spouses start grumbling to each other on a regular basis about the way Alma and the village treat the triplets. Other than their monthly quality time the triplets keep up with each other through their spouses since Felix, Agustin and Leandra have more free time than Pepa, Julieta, and Bruno.

From what we saw in the movie, and based off of things the creators have said, I get the impression that Bruno is the triplet who understands Alma the best. His visions mean he knows how dangerous the world outside Encanto can be better than anyone else raised in the village, and he definitely knows what it's like to be controlled by your anxieties. I imagine that anybody he ends up with, be it my OC or a future canon partner, would have a similar understanding of Alma after a few years of Bruno confiding to them. For that reason, I don't see Leandra coming to resent Alma even when she realizes the woman's trauma is harming the family, she sees her as a kind hearted person who is in pain and sometimes needs to have her energy softly redirected. This is helpful in the short term, but ultimately just prolongs the inevitable.

Where as Mirabel reacts with surprise, hurt, anger, and clear communication when she figures out Alma was the root of the family's problems, Bruno and Leandra react with sympathy and schemes. If they had stopped trying to dance around Alma's trauma and had confronted her with what they'd realized, the cracks could have been healed long ago, instead they put their heads together and try to think of ways to fix things without forcing Alma to confront her grief.

Sex dysphoria (and "Gender" dysphoria) is an ego-syntonic mental health condition, and we need to improve how we view and treat it [here‘s why]

Yes, it‘s quite long.

First of all, there‘s a difference between »sex« (the biological reality one is born with) and »gender« (a social construct which associates one‘s sex with stereotypical traits and behaviors). So, of course, sex dysphoria and "gender" dysphoria aren‘t the same thing, but are usually intertwined.

Let‘s sum up what »ego-syntonic« and »ego-dystonic« mean in the context of psychological disorders:

»Ego-syntonic« means that ideas and our perception match up with our needs, self-image and personality.

»Ego-dystonic« means that ideas and our perception don‘t match up with our feelings, values and personality.

Ego-syntonic disorders, like Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Eating Disorders and Personality Disorders of all kinds make the person who suffers from these mental illnesses perceive them as a part of themselves; a part of their identity. The symptoms are experienced as congruent with their "reality" (e.g. starvation is experienced as a rational solution for the falsely believed flaws one wants to eradicate).

Ego-dystonic disorders, like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) make the person suffer, but they’re still able to acknowledge that the symptoms they experience are inconsistent with their own perception (e.g. "I‘m going to hurt xy" —> intrusive thought, doesn’t align with the person‘s values) of reality. They have it easier to identify it as a problem which needs to be treated as such, and don‘t identify with their symptoms as a part of their self.

Here‘s a little comparison between OCD and OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder) to make it clearer:

Sex/"gender" dysphoria are ego-syntonic disorders, as they make the person experience the symptoms and identify with them like eating disorders and personality disorders do (also, they often go hand in hand!).

An important doubt I‘ve come across is that sex dysphoric people struggle with what their body parts really are whereas anorexic people (for example) struggle with how they perceive their body parts.

This is a fair argument, however, it‘s not entirely true so we need to take a closer look at it:

People with anorexia and body dysmorphia see what their body actually looks like but perceive it as "wrong" which then translates it to beliefs like "I‘m too fat", or more generally "xy is wrong with me; I‘m xy because of […]". They struggle with the perception of reality and identify with their symptoms, thus believe that these thoughts and feelings represent the truth about their bodies. After all, they struggle with a mental illness, not with their eyesight!

The same applies to sex dysphoria. People who suffer from it see their actual body parts and think they‘re "wrong" which then translates to "I am trapped in the wrong body" and "I need to change xy". They view the thoughts and feelings caused by their dysphoria as a fact, as a representation of reality.

This also explains why "gender affirming care" has rather low rates of regret, as the constant reassurance and affirmation don‘t challenge the symptoms but rather reinforce them.

Anorexia patients are likely to die due to starvation and malnutrition, whereas the negative side effects of hormonal treatment and cosmetic surgeries are not as obvious (but still very real, although often denied).

When you have a person with an eating disorder, they‘re likely to defend their behaviors and perception and feel attacked when you don‘t go along with their symptoms — but you still need to solve it with them. Imagine if we listened more to those stuck in their eating disorder than to those who break the cycle.

When you have a person with OCD, for example, they want their struggles to be recognized as such — as a problem — and receive help. When you go along with their symptoms, they usually feel misunderstood and hopeless (whereas people with ego-syntonic disorders experience these feelings at first when you don‘t go along with their version of reality).

Mental health care providers aren‘t supposed to go along with and reinforce the dysphoria of their patients but rather to actually do research and find ways to treat them. Instead, they tend to follow the rules of gender ideology and don‘t bother to solve the issue — they rather justify its existence. And those who speak against it are silenced immediately.

My criticism therefore clearly lies with the (mental) health system and the gender ideology propaganda. "Gender" is a set of stereotypes which has nothing to do with actually being a man or a woman, and no one is "born in the wrong body". It‘s a mental health condition which isn’t properly recognized and treated as such, which eventually hurts both dysphoric people and women as a sex class.

We need more research, better communication, better understanding and actual treatment options that don‘t rely on or hide behind patriarchal ideas of "identity".

We need more people to acknowledge that dysphoric children are very likely to overcome their dysphoria when they aren‘t constantly affirmed that they "need" to change and conform to anything, and we need to raise more awareness to the underlying mental health issue.

Of course, people who have sex dysphoria and other illnesses mentioned above will and can say that "it‘s not the same", which is true — no disorder is 1:1 like another. That‘s not the point. The point is that sex dysphoria is viewed and treated in an extremely counterproductive way and "professionals" delude their patients further.

Dysphoria goes hand in hand with high rates of anxiety, depression, dissociation and many patients suffer from comorbidities, including eating disorders, autism, personality disorders and BDD. This isn’t a coincidence, and the current approach only makes it worse, although the sufferers are often convinced of the opposite.

By the way, this isn’t about self-expression — everyone is free to present themselves however they like; this is about mental health. No one needs to disrupt or try to debunk reality in order to be themself, but when you‘re constantly told to do so, you end up in an endless cycle. And begin to feel anger towards anyone who and anything that challenges your perception.

Gender ideology isn’t going to help anyone, it‘s only going to keep harming everyone and is taking advantage of actually dysphoric people who are dragged into it and used as a "justification".

I‘m not here to hate. I‘m here to help. Thanks for reading.

I really liked your first address on the topic of guilt. I struggle a lot with guilt, like the other anons. My solution's been to go into healthcare, which is obviously a big decision. I love it but I keep noticing myself not settling - it isn't good enough to care just for the sick, I need to be in emergency or intensive care specialisations. And such. I think you're right about it being a common thing online. It really resonated with me to read it. I think my point is just to agree, really, so sorry if it contributes to a busy inbox. But you can't solve the problem of guilt by appeasing it, you'll always feel like you need to do more. There's definitely a point where you need to self-evaluate and consider speaking to someone, because caring is good but empathy burnout is a thing. Idk. You have a way with words and I think you hit the nail on the head.

you definitely have a good point there: with guilt like this, nothing will ever be enough. I've never struggled with this particular aspect of guilt, but I do suffer from OCD, and when it was at its worst, I was troubled by this overwhelming sense of irrational responsibility for things. I thought that if I didn't do certain rituals, I would be responsible for bad things happening to people or in general in the world; any bad news or bad event or bad health or bad grade that I or anyone I cared about experienced was of course my fault for not clicking the lightswitch enough when I left my room or something. to try and prevent this, I'd do increasingly convoluted and time-consuming rituals, until it was taking me an hour to leave in the morning and I was working myself up into a panicked mess. but no matter what I did, it was never enough. as soon as I reached one level of acceptability, my OCD would move the goal posts. once I realised this, I was able to begin breaking out of the mindframe, and now you could barely tell I have OCD unless you notice some of the small little compulsions I have.

I think this is a pretty good metaphor for this kind of guilt in general, because it all comes from a similar place. it's a completely irrational sense of responsibility for the world, powered by our feelings of helplessness. with stuff like what you and the other anons are experiencing, I imagine there's an element of frustration regarding this powerlessness, so you do whatever you can to alleviate it and feel like you're helping. it would be good if it ended there, with a solid plan and good compartmentalising (like working in health care but leaving work at work) but as you said, the guilt will never be satisfied. before you know it, you're beating yourself up for having hobbies and interests, and being happy sometimes, or having days where you relax or do nothing, or even for things you can't control like your circumstances and place of birth. it's definitely similar to the kind of irrational guilt-bearing that OCD has, and I don't understand how it's come to be viewed as the sign of a good and politically aware person. this is such an unvelievably harmful attitude to have, and it will eventually end up with serious mental consequences and a drastically reduced quality of life.

finally, I think that there's something to be said for the fact that art is the only life path getting this kind of shit. I resent the growing insinuation and perhaps even belief that art is just some bourgeoisie hobby, and that indulging in it is a sign of privilege. you see the same with all things academia-related, and it's a sign of a growing trend of anti-intellectualism that is really not as woke or productive as people seem to think it is. I think people need to take a close look at why they seem to think the arts are the only thing that inspires the feeling that they'll be doing nothing for the world, and I also think people need to understand that art isn't only worth something if it reaches everyone. it is very presumptuous and even a little white saviour-y to assume that somebody in the slums of India or wherever is even remotely interested in what you have to say. they have their own culture and their own art, if they need it. the idea that a white Westerner's art has to reach all these third world or developing countries to be worth something is, to me, condescending and very much more about the white Westerner's status as a politically aware artist among other white Westerners than anything else. your art is not meant to be and cannot be for everyone, and it's rather self-important to act like it could be.

Ocd having me at the clutches and I wanna escape but I'm so scared of loosing compulsions and habits I've had for so long.

One of my biggest compulsions that I'd do sometimes since 13 is going to google/quora/reddit to "be prepared" for the scary situations i "could" go through (me just seeking reassurance by searching solutions for my intrusive thoughts). Whether its health anxiety or fear of me doing those morally wrong things, I will go to search what to do or how to prevent it. It didn't become a problem or chronic until early last year (2023), now I'm having a hard time preventing myself from searching the simplest shit and I feel embarrassed and crazy.

- (Example)

Me: *Brain plays long detailed scenario where I am with friends, I'm so happy, going places like the mall and feeling safe to be myself then suddenly I'm hated by them, or they laugh at me, or they find out my mistakes or the things I feel horrible about from my past. Or maybe it will just be me yelling and treating my friends/mutuals like shit and ruining the love I have* (this will play over and over again in my head as I try to tell myself its all fake and negative, that it wouldn't happen and that if it did who cares cause its not happening at the moment. Telling myself that I would never treat my friends bad because I would never want to hurt anybody.)

Me: *goes to google and searches "what should I do if my friends abandon me at a mall?", "how to tell if im being a burden to my friends", "how to tell if my friend is pretending to like me?" "How to tell my friends about my mental health without coming across as trauma dumping"* (A process which is not only exhausting but very repetitive. I will search these things to reassure myself and be prepared and see other experiences online for if it happens to me I can be "safe". It can be any topic and I will search and go on quora, it can take hours of my days. Days in a row I'll research the same shit and keep reading the same answered responses on quora hoping that I'll somehow find the answers I seek, to just end my anxiety and doubts but it never happens. I only found out a couple weeks ago that this was a compulsion and I've been working so hard on it but I'm scared to let it go cause the fear of the unknown is too much for me, I'm used to reading the things online and searching stuff....I'm trying so hard to just go cold turkey on it, but I'm scared I'll miss it too much or that somehow something bad will happen. The joy of ocd -_- This disorder is hell but I want to take my life back, living with this for slightly over a decade has not been fun and I rather have the pain of treatment then continue the suffering of endless reassurance seeking.)

I know my friends love me and that I overthink due to trauma responses and ocd, its terrifying to be uncertain in life....I know its not easy for anyone but having a disorder that eats at me, convincing me that im a horrible person or crazy is genuine hell. I do my best to not seek reassurance from friends because its not their fault my brain works like this, I don't want people thinking I don't have trust in them...I really do love my friends deeply, I'm just afraid of being hurt and its so stupid cause I've never been given any reasons to feel this way in any of my current friendships but the memories of past friendships makes my mind obsess over being certain on everything when life doesn't work like that. I do my best to be mindful and tell myself "how did they act when we last spoke?, did they seem upset? No?.... then everything is fine", I will look at old memories and messages to remind myself that its all okay and that I need to trust my own judgment more instead of my intrusive thoughts, because they are not me!

Anyway yeaaa its late but I can't sleep cause my brain just wants to keep researching how to fix problems instead of accept the uncertainty. I know someday I'll get better and not struggle with this as much but for now I am taking it one day at a time hoping that nobody grows tired of me, my trauma responses, and ocd.

I'm proud i can be where I'm at now, it doesn't seem like alot but compared to 2022 I'm better at knowing when scenarios are fake (yes....I used to genuinely think I was hated or being annoying because of my thoughts in 2022 and would obsessively ask the person as a form of seeking reassurance).