Had a really good conversation with my therapist yesterday that has left me feeling better about life & the future than I have in... months, honestly (which also has me feeling really good about her ability to help me continue sorting through things).

I was talking about my distress about the future and in particular what I'm going to do when I graduate, since grad school isn't the most stable option, and she pointed out that since I was spiraling over hypotheticals, maybe it made sense to simply make up my mind about the first step, since applying to grad school is hardly the same as committing to grad school. And she was so right. I am so good at feeling like I need to make the right, perfect decision -- especially after making mistakes with school in the past -- that I have been worrying myself into depressive spirals over what the "right" decision is here. But making up my mind to at least apply and find out what my options are is a decision, that will give me a lot more information in the long run than paralysis over if it's "okay" to apply at all.

It'll still take a lot of work, obviously, and l don't know if I'll even get in anywhere, much less actually commit to doing a PhD if I do. But it has taken such an incredible weight off my shoulders just to say "Okay, I am going to apply, what next?" Because it means I can put all that nervous energy to actual use! Instead of spiraling the next time I start thinking about my options in the future, I can go do research on different PhD programs (without feeling guilty the whole time, like I have been until now)! I can ask my favorite professors for advice! I can reach out to current grad students to ask what they think of their advisors! All of which is actually productive and will help me make the most informed choice I can if and when the time comes, instead of ruminating endlessly on what the "best" one is!

TL;DR -- my therapist is very smart and understands me and the things my brain gets stuck on in a big way, and her advice has dislodged literal months of extremely disordered thinking just like that. Because now I feel like I've made a choice and have something to work towards. And also like I can breathe.

Also can i just give a big thumbs up to Blue's ridiculously sassy pose? Itll be so cool to see his infamous attitude portrayed in a much more animated game!

Also can i just add that i like it for being like 0.4% of evidence towards my headcanon of him being gay? Like yeah i know that "acting flambouyant" is the most minimal and stereotypical evidence but when youre starved for lgbt representation you start clinging to minor shit like this.

I just really like the idea of his jerkass behaviour stemming from being closeted and trying too hard to overcompensate, and him not really hating Red but actually just trying to pretend he does. Like.. The real person he's angry at is his own feelings. Cos i know its a cliche at this point to always ship any shonen character with his rival, but really it is kind of an inherant part of the trope? I dont understand how these writers could write this overexaggerated arch nemesis who's always doing EVERYTHING for the sake of one-upping you, always being everywhere and seemingly having no life aside from this. It just looks like he really really cares about what you think?? It comes off as less "he's stuck up" and more "he needs constant reassurance for his low self confidence and for some reason he demands it comes specifically from you." It really really hits that relateability for closeted teens. Making up excuses why this isnt really a crush, making up excuses to hang out with them all the time for TOTALLY NON CRUSH RELATED REASONS

And I just feel itd help the whole plot make more sense with how they say Blue used to be Red's best friend since they were babies, and he just suddenly started acting all bratty very recently. Why dont the games draw more attention to that, honestly? It must have been really traumatic for Red to suddenly lose his best friend and be goddamn bullied by the guy for seemingly no reason! And yeah, sometimes kids do just end up changing into someone horrid when theyre in that nebulous 10 to 12 age range, and then they mature and regret what they did. But i think in a fictional setting that kinda doesnt fly? Its not very good catharsis to have "he changed his mind and became good offscreen and you dont get to see it". So imagining what might have happened between the end of gen 1 and the start of gen 2 is a good way to make up for it.

I imagine in this hypothetical rewrite it would start with us just being introduced to Big Asshole Blue and assuming thats all he's ever been. But we start getting hints that Red is more upset about this than it seems? And we get flashbacks to Blue once Not Being A Jerk, and get to feel Red's worry that he must have done something to make his best friend start hating him. And maybe along the way we get to see Blue's jerkyness rewritten to seem more like he's just a normal kid struggling with some stuff and making the wrong choices, rather than legitimately evil. Maybe we get to see him being sad or self hating, and Red tries to reach out to him but Blue is so deep in his delusions already that he's all "i bet you just want to laugh at me!" Like we get to see that from Blue's perspective we're the rival, yknow? His assumption that you hate him is why he distanced himself. His assumption that you'd be disgusted in him if you knew his secret. Its like he preemptively broke off the friendship to avoid the pain of you doing it? And then also maybe add some more events of the two rivals begrudgingly teaming up to save the day, and having other bonding experiences that show that the friendship is still there deep down.

So then naturally the ending would play out the same with you defeating him, but instead of just his grandpa yelling at him and us being told he listened (offscreen) and changed his ways (offscreen) we like.. Actually..see that. You could have Blue breaking down and showing some genuine emotion during this moment, actually crying because he really did try so hard and he still lost. And because he linked his entire self worth to this toxic masculinity and idea that he had to be the strongest to even be worth anything. And he's just so convinced that Red is gonna mock him now and it'll be the end of the closest thing he had to a way they could stay close. And then his grandpa comes in and is all "bla bla bla you just didnt love your pokemon enough", and that rubs salt in the wound. But maybe the change is that at this point Red actually stands up for Blue? And talks about all the good stuff he did during the game and how he's still the same great guy he became friends with, even if they've drifted apart. And he worked just as hard to get here, gramps!!

So that really shocks Blue to his core and he realizes how stupid he was being, and him and Red become friends again. And then over time it would lead to Blue becoming more comfortable with his self confidence and coming out about his sexuality, and eventually we have the bratty but ultimately good dude we see in the future games. And also they are totally married, yes.

Seriously tho i can understand why people dont like this ship tho, cos a lot of the fics for it (and the related ash/gary one) are more like "lol somehow it is sexy for a guy to be a complete asshole to you for no reason" rather than giving him an actual redemption plot and yknow..establishing that he actually cares about the guy he is kissing. I think rival romances can be great if done well, but man there's so much problematic shit if it falls short of the mark!