#bad dream lol like at first i missed the appointment in my dream and felt horrible and then. other stuff i will not get into lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jaehyunfirstlove · 3 years

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You decide you’re ready to have a baby. The catch? You’re not seeing anyone at the moment. Enter your best friend, Jeong Jaehyun. Will he be the answer to your dilemma?

Pairing: best friend!Jaehyun x f.reader

Genre: best friends to fwb to lovers, fluff, angst, smut (18+ only)

Warnings: mentions of infertility, pregnancy and childbirth, sperm donors, IVF (in vitro fertilization), fertility drugs, mood swings, fingering, unprotected sex, cum play, nipple play, breeding kink, oral sex (f.receiving), dirty talk, pregnant sex, rough sex

Word count: 10.6k

Taglist: @jaehyunnie77 @mrg-jjh @keeach (send me a message if you want to be tagged in future fics)

A/N: this was only meant to be a short fic but it morphed into this monstrosity. I tried to tag for everything but if I missed anything please let me know. Inspired by the fact that Jaehyun wanted to be a teen dad (but they are not teens in this story, just thought I’d make that clear :) Also please excuse my unimaginative name for the baby, I’m terrible at coming up with names lol

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional so please excuse any inconsistencies.

“So what have you got planned for today?” your best friend, Jaehyun, asked you as he took a sip of his coffee, shielding his eyes from the sun’s rays coming through the window of the cafe.

It was your weekly Saturday brunch, at which Jaehyun would show up, nine times out of ten, hungover, wearing dark sunglasses, a baseball cap, a black t-shirt and sweats. There was never a deviation from this outfit, even on the times when he came not hungover.

“Oh not much, just an appointment at the fertility clinic this afternoon.”

Jaehyun paused, as you took a sip of your latte. You couldn’t see the look in his eyes through the sunglasses but his fork had stopped midway to his mouth. It hovered in the air, scrambled eggs sliding off of it and plopping onto the plate below.

“The where?” he asked, tipping his head to look at you above the top of his sunglasses.

“Fertility clinic. Looking into getting a sperm donor.”

The matter-of-fact way you were saying everything seemed to shock him, his fork still not moving towards his mouth or back onto the plate.

“Excuse me, a sperm donor?”

You put your coffee cup down, and sighed. “I don’t know why you’re so shocked, I told you before I wanted to have a baby.”

“I thought you were joking!”

“Well I wasn’t!” you don’t know why you were being so indignant, maybe because all you’d heard from everyone around you, from your parents to your doctor to the lady that sold you pretzels from a street cart, was negative. You shouldn’t have a baby without a partner, was the main point of contention, but how was that going to happen if you weren’t seeing anyone, and hadn’t had a serious relationship in almost a year.

“But a sperm donor, Y/N?” he asked, after mulling over what you just said.

“Yeah? What’s wrong with it?” you countered. You were so sick of everyone around you criticizing your plan.

“I don’t know, what if he’s like, a serial killer or something?”

“They do psychiatric assessments on everyone who donates.”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have an undiagnosed illness-”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Jaehyun!” you’d had it, letting out an exasperated huff, “Do you have a better idea? Do you want to be my sperm donor?”

You weren’t at all serious, you were just mainly upset and unfortunately, taking it out on him, but he actually sat back in his chair, eyebrows raised, as if he were contemplating it.

“Anyway, forget it. I don’t need your approval. I just hoped that you’d support me, of all people.” You couldn’t help but pout. He was your best friend and he’d stuck with you when no one else had. You may have said you didn’t need his approval but deep down you wanted him to be on your side.

He leaned forward, took his sunglasses off and looked you in the eye. “Of course I support you,” he said sincerely. “If this is what you want, then I’m with you one hundred percent of the way.”

You smiled, your heart feeling lighter, and just as you took a sip of your latte he said the one thing that would complicate your life forever.

“But I get to be that sperm donor.”

You spluttered, almost choking on your latte. “I wasn’t being at all serious, Jaehyun,” you chuckled nervously, but one look at his face and you could see he was being completely serious.

“I just don’t like the idea of some stranger being the father of your child,” he said quietly, looking down at his plate of food while he said it, “might as well be me, right?” He looked up at you hopefully.

You didn’t know what to say. This was your best friend, the one you’d grown up with, the one you’d catch tadpoles with, the one you’d drag to the playground with you, the one you told all your innermost secrets to. The one who knew you best. Didn’t it make sense then, that he would be the one to share this with you, in the end? You looked at his face; open, sincere, beautiful. You knew he was attractive, with the trail of broken hearts he’d leave in his wake, but you hadn’t really looked at him in that way before. Suddenly he was a new person to you, and now you didn’t know how to feel.

“Jaehyun, I-” you rubbed your hands together nervously, still unsure of what to say, “it’s a big thing, you know? This will change the rest of your life.”

He nodded, but there was no trace of hesitation in his actions. In fact, he looked as sure as anything. “Yeah that’s a given. But I’ve thought about it and I’m ready.”

“Jaehyun, you’ve literally thought about it for, like, the few minutes we’ve been sitting here.”

He smiled, “Actually I’ve thought about it for a long time.”

“About being a sperm donor?”

He laughed. “No, not specifically a sperm donor. But it’s a start,” he shrugged. “So what do I have to do?”

---

Jaehyun accompanied you to the appointment at the fertility clinic, where they outlined the plan and what was required of the two of you. It didn’t sound too bad, but you did find that having Jaehyun there to support you was really helpful. Every time the doctor explained something that made you nervous you would look over at him and he would smile confidently at you, sometimes squeezing your hand if you looked particularly concerned.

It was the fertility drugs they gave you, that threw your world into chaos. They had warned you of the side effects but you didn’t think it would be this bad. Your mood swung back and forth like a pendulum, one moment you were happy, the next you were crying into your cereal. You were irritable more than you had ever been in your life, and constantly snapped at every little thing. Not to mention that your breasts were sore and you had nausea, making you feel like you were pregnant already. You felt bad for Jaehyun when he was around for your mood swings and irritable moments, but he handled it much better than you thought he would. He’d give you your space when you needed it, but also sit by your side when you didn’t want to be alone. You found yourself thinking about how he would be as a father, but then you would remember that he was just the sperm donor.

One day, when he was sitting beside you on the couch, rubbing your back after you’d cried over your coffee order being wrong, you ended up asking him how much he wanted to be involved.

“We didn’t talk about the ‘after’,” you said, still sniffling. He stopped rubbing your back and looked at you.

“What do you want the ‘after’ to look like?” He asked, his tone level and gentle.

You had visions of Jaehyun rocking the baby to sleep, of Jaehyun seeing the baby walk for the first time, of Jaehyun teaching your child how to ride a bike, piano lessons, soccer games, first day of school. The perfect family. Except he wasn’t your husband, he wasn’t even your boyfriend. You didn’t know what to ask of him.

“I don’t know,” you whispered. He went back to rubbing your back.

“I’ll be as involved as you want me to be,” he said softly, “my only request is that I get to be a part of their life.”

That sounded fair, you thought. This was certainly going to be more complicated than getting a stranger as a sperm donor.

---

You went through several cycles of IVF, but none had been successful and you were losing hope. Not to mention the fertility drugs were really taking a toll on you, and the doctor had recommended taking a break. You were devastated, seeing it as the end of your dream, no matter how much the doctor reassured you that it wasn’t.

“There has to be another solution,” you pleaded at one appointment. Jaehyun hadn’t accompanied you and you felt yourself falling apart without his presence.

“Well, of course there’s the surefire way,” the doctor shrugged.

“What’s that? I’ll do anything!” you were hopeful once again at the doctor’s words.

“Regular sexual intercourse.”

Of course, you thought bitterly. You couldn’t help but think this was society punishing you for doing this without a husband. Undeterred, you resolved to discuss it with Jaehyun.

---

The look on Jaehyun’s face when you broached the subject was one you had never seen on him before. It was a mixture of shock, terror, resignation, and… something else, almost like acceptance, as if this were the natural course of things.

You resolved not to make it weird, it was just sex after all, and you would get a baby out of it, and that was the most important thing. However, your palms still got sweaty at the thought of it, your heart racing imagining him naked. You’d gone swimming with him plenty of times, went on beach outings often, and you realized you’d always avert your eyes from his bare chest. You figured you were just doing it to be polite, but you had no trouble looking at other men’s chests (you were only human, after all). You shook your head of your thoughts, while waiting patiently for him to agree or disagree to your request.

“I know it’s weird,” you began, when he still hadn’t said anything, “but I promise it won’t change anything in our relationship.” You needed him to agree, and at this point you would say anything to convince him. He looked at you thoughtfully, before he nodded.

“Okay, I’m in.”

---

You’d been keeping track of your cycle and had the days you were ovulating marked on your calendar, which you had shared with Jaehyun. It was agreed that he would come to your place after work, where you would have sex in the hopes of making a baby.

The first night you were nervous, pacing your room as you waited for him to come over. When the doorbell rang you literally jumped out of your skin. When you opened the door you were relieved to see that he was nervous too, although he tried his best to hide it. He joked around with you, trying to keep the mood light, and you had to admit you appreciated it. But when you got to the bedroom, you both went quiet. Jaehyun stood at one end of the room and you stood at the other, the bed looming between you.

“Do you want me to turn around while you get undressed?” he asked awkwardly, and you realized you hadn’t thought through the details.

“Um, yeah, sure,” you replied, and when he turned around you hastily undressed and jumped under the covers. “Done,” you advised, and he turned around. He didn’t make a move though, just looking at you pointedly, until you realized and turned your head away. Once he was done undressing you felt him lift the covers and get into the bed with you, and you couldn’t stop your heart from hammering in your chest.

“Y/N,” he said softly, because you still hadn’t turned back to him. “Can I touch you?”

You bit your lip, still not looking his way, and nodded. His touch made you jolt, even though his hand was warm, the electricity you felt made all your nerve endings feel like they were on fire.

“Is this okay?” he asked, his hand moving tentatively across your stomach. You nodded but you realized you were panting already, and he had barely touched you. “Tell me if I do anything you don’t like,” he suddenly whispered in your ear, and then he was kissing your neck.

You weren’t prepared for the intimacy, you had really only thought about the intercourse part. You hadn’t prepared yourself for the kissing, and the touching, and how he was so good at making you feel good. You felt like you weren’t supposed to enjoy it, that it was supposed to be “just sex” because you were friends and you weren’t doing this because you loved each other, you were only doing it to have a baby. But the more he touched you, the more he kissed you, the more you fell under his spell. You felt like you should tell him to stop, to just get on with it, but you knew he was doing it to get you nice and wet and therefore more comfortable to take him.

His kisses started to move along your jaw, towards your lips, and when he was finally there, his lips on yours, you felt a panic bubble up in your chest. It was too intimate, too much for someone who wasn’t yours. You pulled away, and he looked at you in surprise.

“No kissing on the lips,” you managed to say, maybe that would be enough to keep it less intimate, you told yourself. He nodded without saying a word, his hand coming up to your breast.

“Is it okay if I touch you here?” he asked, his eyes on yours. You thought for a moment and decided it was okay, and when you nodded he cupped your breast tentatively, all the while watching you for your reaction. When you didn’t pull away he squeezed gently, rubbing your nipple with his thumb.

You pressed your lips together, trying to suppress a moan, because everything he was doing was making you feel so good. He kept watching your reaction, and when he was satisfied that you were reacting favorably he got bolder, his hand slipping down between your legs.

You yelped when he touched you there, your legs involuntarily closing and trapping his hand. He froze, looking at you with wide eyes.

“Sorry,” you apologized, flushing with embarrassment, “reflex reaction.”

“It’s okay,” he said softly, as you slowly opened up your legs again. He moved his hand slowly, gently, just rubbing the inside of your thigh. “You can relax, Y/N, I promise I won’t hurt you.” His words were soft, his tone gentle, and it did wonders to calm and soothe you.

You nodded, giving him the go-ahead, and he reached tentatively with his finger, just lightly touching your folds. The electricity you felt when he first touched you came back with a vengeance, and you almost melted right into the bed. Your reaction encouraged him though, and he pressed his finger further in, rubbing your wetness around. When he was satisfied with the state of your arousal he got into position between your legs, placing the tip of his cock at your entrance. He paused, looking you in the eye, gently stroking your cheek.

“Ready?” he asked gently, “I’ll go slow.”

You nodded vigorously, to be honest the anticipation was killing you and you were very much aroused, wanting him to just get on with it. When he pushed into you though, you realized you should really be careful what you wished for. The feeling of him stretching you was almost too much, every inch he pushed in agonizingly slow amplifying your arousal to a dizzying degree. By the time he was seated all the way inside you you were panting, almost out of breath already.

“Okay?” he asked, through gritted teeth. You could tell he was holding back for dear life, but he purposely went achingly slow to make sure you were comfortable.

“Yes,” you said, having adjusted to his size, “you can move now.” Your pussy clenched involuntarily around him and he hissed.

“Don’t do that, Y/N,” he groaned, “I won’t last.”

“Sorry,” you said sheepishly, and as if to get you back he snapped his hips, making you cry out.

“Fuck!” you screamed, and that definitely encouraged him, and he set a pace, fucking you into the mattress. You felt your toes curl, a familiar knot building in your stomach. Once again, you thought, you felt like you shouldn’t be enjoying it as much as you were, it was more important for him to come inside you. “Come on, baby, come for me,” you whispered in his ear, hoping the dirty talk would encourage him.

“Almost there,” he grunted, and as much as you tried not to enjoy it, the way he was drilling into you felt too good. You bit your lip and grasped at the sheets, trying to keep your orgasm down, but he took it as a sign that you were about to come. He reached between you and thumbed your clit, and at that moment your orgasm exploded out of you without warning. He groaned as you clenched around him, finally spilling his seed inside you. You were dizzy, mind hazy from your orgasm, but you were content at the feeling of his cum inside you. He started to pull out, then stopped.

“Oh,” he said, and you looked up at him to see why he was saying that.

“What is it?” you asked.

“It’s leaking out of you,” he pointed down between your legs. You panicked.

“Well you’re not supposed to pull out right away!” you wrung your hands frantically, “push it back in!”

He looked at you incredulously, before looking down at his already softening cock, realizing it was useless at that point. So he just used his fingers, gathering up the cum that had leaked down and pushing it back into your pussy. You bit your lip again, because the more he pushed in, the more aroused you became, surprised that you weren’t oversensitive at this point. He must’ve noticed your reaction because he didn’t stop, pushing in further and further, in and out, faster and faster, until you were coming again, pussy pulsing around his fingers.

You took a deep breath to regulate your breathing, while he pulled his fingers out of you and sat back.

“Are you okay?” he asked, when you still lay there, unmoving.

“Yes,” you responded, staring up at the ceiling.

“Well, I guess I’ll get going,” he said awkwardly, when you didn’t say anything else.

You nodded, still staring up at the ceiling. “Same time tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll be here.” He dressed without saying anything more and left the room.

---

He came over again the next night, and you repeated the same awkward scene from the night before. This continued for a few cycles, with no success, and again you were losing hope.

“Maybe there’s something wrong with me,” you said dejectedly one day. Jaehyun looked over at you, concern etched on his face.

“The doctor said you were fine,” he replied, attempting to soothe you.

“Maybe there’s something wrong with you then,” you huffed, but Jaehyun just shook his head.

“Y/N, they put us through a bunch of tests and said we’re both fine,” he put a hand on your knee to reassure you.

“Then why isn’t it working?” you lamented, on the verge of tears.

“Do you want my opinion?” he asked hesitantly. You looked up at him in surprise.

“Yeah, of course,” you replied, curious as to what he had to say.

“Well, I’ve been reading those links the doctor sent, and it said stress is a big factor,” he stated carefully, “I think you just need to relax, and let it happen.”

You were floored. On the one hand you were touched that he had actually read the links the doctor had sent (you had been too impatient to bother), on the other hand, what exactly did he mean by ‘letting it happen’?

“Let’s do things differently next time, what do you think?” he had a twinkle in his eye that was starting to alarm you.

“What do you have in mind?” you asked suspiciously.

“You’ll see.” He smiled, much too widely for your liking.

---

The next time came around and you were more nervous than you were the first night, and if this was his idea of making it more relaxed he was already failing miserably. When he showed up at your door though, you almost didn’t recognize him.

Instead of a t-shirt and sweats, he was wearing a crisp white button-down and jeans that sat sexily on his hips. Instead of his hair flat and falling in his face he had it pulled back, with just a few strands falling over his forehead. He also smelled incredible, a musky scent that forever trapped you in his hold, and made you want him in every way he would let you.

He smiled at you, but not in the way a friend smiles at a friend, and when he leaned in to give you a kiss on the cheek you almost passed out from the warmth of his lips and the intoxicating scent emanating from his skin. He walked past you to the bedroom, leaving you standing there with your mouth open and your underwear dampening.

When you finally collected yourself, you went upstairs to hear the bath running. You walked into the bathroom to see him drawing a bath, candles surrounding the tub, flower petals in the water, and the most luscious smelling bath bomb marinating in it.

“Jaehyun, what-”

“Shh,” he put a finger to your lips, and even that act was so sensual you had to squeeze your legs together, “let me take care of you.” He reached down and turned off the water. “Get undressed and get in the bath, and I’ll come back and help you get relaxed.” He left the room and you did what he said, calling him back in once you were in the bath and the cloudy bubbly water reached the tops of your breasts.

He had such a calm and serene look on his face that it almost threw you off, but then he was taking your puff and squeezing body wash on it.

“May I?” he asked, and when you nodded he gently took your arm and ran the puff along it. He did the same with the other arm, and that simple act, along with the warmth of the bath water, did wonders to soothe you. You felt like you were floating, with the calming scents of the bath bomb, and his gentle touch. He started to run the puff along your neck and you bent your head back and sighed. Soon enough he was dipping below the surface of the water, running the puff between your breasts, and you sighed even deeper as he got lower, past your stomach, and lower still. The puff was forgotten, and now it was just his hand, reaching down between your legs. It all felt so good, you spread your legs even wider, wanting more.

“How does it feel?” he whispered, so close to your ear you shuddered.

“So good,” you couldn’t help but moan, and then his hand was there, cupping your pussy.

“I want to make you feel good, Y/N,” he purred, his voice like honey, “will you let me make you feel good?”

“Yes,” the word came out on a long exhale, as he plunged a finger between your folds, and you couldn’t help but fall apart. He fingered you until you came, water splashing all around you as you writhed in pleasure. When you were done he picked you up out of the bath, not caring that his clothes were getting wet, and carried you to the bed. You couldn’t care that you were probably soaking the bed, because his lips were on your neck, hot and urgent, leaving marks that you’d have trouble concealing the next day.

You pulled at his shirt, wanting it off already, and he obliged, throwing the damp fabric to a corner of the room. You rubbed your hands all over his chest, feeling the firm muscle there, then down to his abs. He groaned against your neck when you undid his belt and slipped your hand over his hardened cock.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he hissed, when you wrapped your hand around it and pumped.

“Don’t come yet,” you whispered, taking your hand away, opting instead to pull the rest of his jeans and boxers off. You wrapped your legs around him, encouraging him to enter you, but he pulled back slightly.

“Slow down,” he breathed, and you could feel him smiling against your neck, “this isn’t a race, Y/N,” he continued kissing down the column of your neck, down to your chest, “relax, and let me make you feel good.”

You finally relented, relaxing as he’d ordered, letting yourself melt into the mattress as he sucked on your skin. Your body was on fire, both from the heat of the bath you just had as well as the way his lips were ruining you. When he got down to your lower stomach you realized where he was headed, and instead of fighting the pleasure you were feeling you simply gave in. As soon as his wet tongue collided with your wet folds you let go, moaning wantonly at the feeling. Every sound you made spurred him on, every jerk and jolt of your body gave him the impetus to push you to the height of pleasure, until you were yanking at his hair and convulsing around his tongue.

“That was fucking hot, Y/N,” he almost growled, wiping at his chin as he moved to hover above you, “I almost came.”

“Don’t,” you panted, trying to catch your breath, “you need to come inside me.”

“You want it? Want my cum inside you, fill you up,” his voice was deep, intense, a tone you’d never heard from him, and certainly words you’d never heard from him, but it certainly was doing the job and making you very aroused.

“Oh god,” you exclaimed, unaware that dirty talk was something you liked. Your previous boyfriends hadn’t been this filthy, but you found you loved it.

“I’m gonna fuck you hard, and you’re gonna take all of my cum,” he continued, voice raspy, breath hot in your ear, “I’m gonna knock you the fuck up, and watch your belly grow with my baby.”

“Jaehyun!” you cried out, losing yourself completely. You grabbed a hold of his neck and pulled him down, and for a split second you saw his eyes grow wide as you smashed your lips against his, your no-kissing rule forgotten. He kissed you with the same passion and intensity that he ate you out with, and you wondered why you had ever put that no-kissing rule into place if he could make you feel like that with his lips. You moaned when his tongue entered your mouth, just as he slid his cock inside you.

This time you didn’t hold back, allowing yourself to feel everything. The way his cock slid in and out of you, the way the tip kept hitting that spot so deep inside you. The way his tongue moved in your mouth, the way his hands rubbed up and down your body, sometimes squeezing your breasts and flicking your nipples. Your hands roamed over his back, feeling his muscles move, and when you felt your orgasm start to build you dragged your nails against his skin.

“Fuck, Y/N, I’m gonna come,” he broke from the kiss to drop his head down to your chest, his thrusts getting harder but more erratic.

“Oh god, do it,” you panted, your orgasm about to burst out of you, “fill me up, baby, I want your cum so bad.”

That was enough to send him over the edge, and he pulled you flush against him as he came inside you, the particularly forceful thrusts triggering your own orgasm and making you clench around him. He let out a loud groan as you milked him, fingernails digging into his back.

When you were both done you held him against you, not wanting to let him go. He obliged, just holding you, his face tucked against your neck. You could feel his hot breath against your skin and that, along with his arms around you and his weight on top of you was all oddly comforting.

“I’m gonna pull out,” he finally said, when he had gone soft inside you. You sighed but nodded, and once he had pulled out you clamped your legs together, trying to keep as much of his cum inside you as you could.

He dressed quietly and you watched him, heart stuttering in your chest, your mind reeling. You had promised him that the sex wouldn’t change anything in your relationship, but you couldn’t believe how wrong you were. You wanted to reach for him, wanted him to stay, but you held back.

“Thanks for that,” you said quietly, and he turned to you and smiled.

“You’re welcome,” he said sincerely, “I’ll do anything for you,” and he brought his hand up and cupped your cheek, his eyes soft as he looked at you, “you’re my best friend.”

You smiled at him, but inside your heart was breaking. How could you ever think you could do this and keep your friendship as it was?

---

A few weeks later you were late, and although you tried not to get your hopes up you couldn’t help but think this was it. You waited to take the pregnancy test, wanting Jaehyun to be there no matter the outcome.

“What is it? What’s wrong? You said it’s an emergency.” He looked so concerned when he came over, and you almost felt bad for not saying what it was about right away.

“I’m late, Jaehyun,” you announced nervously.

“Where do you have to be?”

“No, I mean my period! I haven’t gotten my period yet!”

He paused, the pieces finally falling into place, and his face suddenly lit up. “Oh shit!” He covered his mouth with his hand as he looked at you with wide eyes.

“Come with me, I’m gonna take a pregnancy test.” You led him upstairs where he waited outside the bathroom door while you took the test. You placed the stick on the counter and opened the door to let him in.

“Well? What does it say?” he asked, rubbing his hands in anticipation.

“It’s gonna take a few minutes,” you answered nervously, “I can’t look, tell me what it says.” You turned away, so anxious you thought you would pass out.

“One line, so far,” he stated, and you tried to stay calm but your heart was beating out of your chest.

“Hold my hand,” you reached behind you and he took your hand in his, squeezing to comfort you. He was silent for a while, and you couldn’t take it anymore. “Well? What does it say now?”

“I see…” he started to say, and you so desperately wanted to turn around but you were too scared.

“What?! Just say it!”

He pulled you to him, turning you around and lifting the stick up to your eye level. “Two lines.”

You blinked a few times, wanting to make sure you were seeing it right, but every time you opened your eyes there were two solid lines. You were pregnant.

“Oh my god,” you whispered, both of your hands going up to cover your mouth. Jaehyun whooped in celebration, jumping up and down with glee. You saw the genuine happiness in his face and so many emotions ran through you that the only thing you could do was burst into tears.

“Aw, Y/N, don’t cry!” he laughed, gathering you into his arms, thinking you were just crying from happiness. But it was so much more complicated than that. You were getting what you wanted, a baby, but you hadn’t prepared yourself for all the complications of having a baby with your best friend, who you may have developed feelings for.

---

The first trimester was hell. You were throwing up every morning, and feeling nausea for the rest of the day. You had an aversion to most food, even hating the smell of certain things, like meat. The only things you could keep down were bread and noodles, and you wondered how the baby could grow when that was all that you ate. But at every appointment the doctor reassured you that the baby was doing well and developing at a good rate. Jaehyun insisted on going with you to your first ultrasound and as much as you wanted him to, you also dreaded it.

When the fuzzy form of your baby showed up on the screen for the first time you felt a surge of happiness overcome you, tears springing to your eyes at the sight of the tiny figure on the screen. You heard Jaehyun inhale sharply and turned to look at him. The awe in his face was so endearing it made the tears run down your cheeks, and seeing your reaction he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you in for a hug.

“That’s our baby,” he whispered, his voice almost breaking, and you cried harder.

“Congratulations!” the technician said, patting you both on the shoulder. You felt like you should correct her, tell her that although the baby was technically yours and Jaehyun’s, you weren’t together and wouldn’t be raising the baby as such. But how do you explain that to a complete stranger? You looked over at Jaehyun, who was smiling from ear to ear, shaking the technician’s hand and making no move to explain the situation.

Later, as you were getting ready to leave the clinic, you saw the technician hand over a copy of the ultrasound picture to Jaehyun. He took it happily in his hands, as if it were the most precious thing in the world. As he walked towards you he slipped it into the plastic window spot in his wallet, where your drivers’ license should be, but his now housed a blurry black and white photo of your baby.

“Hey, wanna get something to eat to celebrate?” he asked, slinging an arm around you as you both left the clinic.

You shook your head. As much as you wanted to spend time with him, you found it hurt more than it helped. Once the baby was born you’d have to deal with him being around more often, so it was better to save up your strength for that.

“I’m actually really tired, I just want to go home and rest,” you answered without looking up at him, “besides, I’m still off most foods.”

“Oh, okay, makes sense.” He said, removing his arm from around your shoulder and stuffing his hands in his pockets. He didn’t sound upset or offended, but when you looked at him out of the corner of your eye you saw a flash of emotion cross his face, almost like hurt or disappointment. You felt bad, knowing you had been avoiding him, even giving up your weekly brunches, but you felt it was better this way.

“Listen, I’ll let you know when the next ultrasound is, okay? You can come with me again.” You wanted just to wipe the look of disappointment off his face, and luckily it worked.

“Yeah, that would be great! Thanks so much, Y/N,” he leaned down and hugged you, and it was the closest he’d been to you since the last time you’d had sex to make the baby. You held him close, committing the feel of him and the scent of him to memory, before you pulled away and walked towards your car.

---

If the first trimester had been hell, the second trimester was heaven. Miraculously the nausea disappeared, and you found yourself actually craving food. You felt more energized and less tired, and slept so much better. Your belly was starting to grow, and you actually had to start shopping for maternity clothes. Your mood was so much better, but what really came back with a vengeance was your libido. During the first trimester you couldn’t even think about sex, but now, it was all you could think about.

Usually your vibrator would do the trick, but there were always moments where you’d think about Jaehyun, think about how good he could make you feel. Sometimes just thinking about him fucking you was enough to get you off, but when you really thought about him, about the feeling of his cock parting your folds, or the feeling of his strong hips pounding into you, his face sweaty and his scent overpowering the air between you, nothing was better than the real thing.

Which is how you found yourself one night, holding your phone and dialing his number without hesitation.

“Hey, what’s up,” he answered, his voice sounding distant. You realized you hadn’t spoken to or seen him in weeks, and instantly you felt terrible.

“Um, actually nothing. I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t wake me,” you could hear him shuffling around, like he had been lying down and started to sit up, “is something wrong, Y/N?”

He always saw right through you, you could hear the concern is his voice, and there was no turning back now.

“Could you come over? I think I need some… company.” You didn’t know if you could just ask for sex over the phone, and was it really only sex that you wanted? Or did you just want him there, with you.

“Yeah, yeah, sure, I can come over,” you heard more shuffling, like he was getting dressed, “are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’ll be better when you’re here.” You answered truthfully.

When he showed up at your door you couldn’t stop yourself from pulling him towards you and hugging him tightly. He didn’t protest, just held you and rubbed your back gently.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” he asked softly against your hair.

“I miss you,” you admitted, voice muffled against his chest because you were too ashamed to look at him.

“I’m around, you know,” he chuckled, “you’re the one who cancelled our brunches.”

You pulled back and forced yourself to make eye contact with him. “No, Jaehyun, I miss you.” You touched his chest when you said it, giving him a look laden with meaning. He understood right away, his eyebrows rising slightly. You took him by the hand and pulled him inside, leading him upstairs and to your bedroom. He let himself be led, but once you were behind closed doors he suddenly took you into his arms and kissed you. The kiss wasn’t subtle, or gentle, it was intense and forceful, his intent surely to rile you up. It definitely worked, because you could feel wetness pooling in your panties as he stuck his tongue down your throat.

“You want my cock again,” he growled, breaking from the kiss to suck a line down your throat. You gasped at his aggressiveness, but you had to admit it really turned you on.

“Yes,” you breathed out, as he stripped you of your clothes and pushed you towards the bed. You fumbled at his clothes, trying to get them off but you found your limbs were weak from the way he was handling you. He took over, stripping off the rest of his clothes, his cock springing forward when he pulled his boxers down. You admired it for only a second before he turned you around, pushing you onto your hands and knees on the bed.

“You like my cock, don’t you, you like me fucking into your little pussy,” he spoke so low, his chest flush against your back so you could feel the reverberation of his voice.

You didn’t have a chance to answer, because he rammed his cock into you, a scream tearing from your throat as he went as deep as he could.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he groaned, his hands gripping your hips as he started to pound into you. You weren’t sure how pregnant sex would feel, since so many things were changing in your body, but you weren’t prepared for what you got. It felt like your entire body was on fire, pleasure coursing through every part of you. He hit places inside you that you’d never felt before, and all of it was like nothing you’d ever experienced.

“Jae,” you panted, “Jae, oh my god!” your orgasm was coming on, super fast and beyond your control.

“You’re gonna come already, baby? Alright, come on, come all over my cock,” he reached down, and although it was a little awkward because of your belly, he managed to get to your clit and rub it with the pad of his thumb.

Your vision went white when your orgasm hit, your fingers and toes going numb as your pussy clenched around his cock. You could barely hold yourself up, your upper body falling to the bed as you convulsed around him. He kept going, fucking you through it, and when you stilled he pulled out and lay you on your back. He gave you a moment to catch your breath, before he entered you again. You cried out at the oversensitivity, but he went slowly, and soon enough you started to feel pleasure again.

“I can keep going,” he said, as he fucked into you at a slow but deliberate pace, “you want more, don’t you?”

You nodded vigorously, already feeling another orgasm building. He propped himself up then, and pounded into you, the bed shaking from his harsh thrusts. You gripped and pulled at the sheets, unable to contain the needy whines and moans coming up out of your mouth. You forced your eyes open to see him hovering over you, a look of intense concentration on his face, his brow sweaty, hair falling into his eyes. When he saw you looking at him his concentration faltered, and he bent his head down for a kiss. You were expecting a kiss to match the intensity with which he was fucking you, but instead it was soft, gentle, lingering. You felt something in it, something above and beyond what he was doing to you, something that carried you where you most wanted to be but didn’t dare go. The orgasm you had then was different, not just purely physical, not just filled with lust, but something more elevated, more emotional.

He broke the kiss to grunt loudly as he came, spilling more of his seed inside you. When he was done he pulled out, and sat at the edge of the bed.

“Y/N,” he said, and you don’t know why he sounded so defeated. You sat up, preparing yourself for what he was going to say.

“Jaehyun,” you reached for him but thought better of it, your hand dropping into your lap.

“I can’t keep doing this with you,” he said, his voice quiet but determined, “it’s fucking me up and I don’t know what to do with myself.”

Your heart sank. He was pulling out of your life, and it was all your fault for doing this to him. “I’m so sorry, Jaehyun.”

He got dressed hurriedly, without looking back at you, and before he opened the door to leave he turned back.

“You need to decide for yourself what you want me to be,” he still didn’t look at you, opting to look at the floor instead, “I’ll always be here for you, but I need to know where I stand.”

The door closing behind him echoed in the room, the absence of him already settling into your heart.

---

You went through the rest of the second trimester on your own, too ashamed and heartbroken to see Jaehyun, and too confused to sort out your feelings. He’d text you once in a while to ask you how you were doing, how you were feeling, but there was no talk beyond the pregnancy. He didn’t come to any more of your doctor’s appointments, nor did you ever invite him to any more in the first place. The third trimester hit even worse than the first, your belly was now so big it was almost uncomfortable to do anything, you now had constant heartburn, and you were going to the bathroom every ten minutes because of the weight on your bladder.

About a month before your due date, you were making dinner in the kitchen when you felt an uncomfortable tightening in your abdomen. You clutched your stomach, gripping the counter in alarm and wondering what you should do. The feeling came and went, but returned after a few minutes. Concerned, you called your doctor, who advised you to come in to the hospital just to get checked out. As you were getting ready you got a text from Jaehyun, asking how you were doing.

Jaehyun: hey just doing my check-in

JH: how is it going today

Me: well it’s probably nothing but

Me: just going to the hospital to get checked out

JH: wait what

JH: let me take you

Me: i should be ok

JH: Y/N pls let me take you

Me: ok

JH: thank you i’ll be right there

You sighed, wishing you had never told him and made him worry. Luckily you didn’t have to wait long since he lived nearby, and soon enough he was pulling up to your house. You didn’t bother to wait for him to come to the door, coming out as soon as you saw his car. You were locking the front door when the uncomfortable feeling came back, making you double over, clutching your stomach.

“Y/N!” you heard Jaehyun yell behind you, and soon enough his arms were cradling you as you crouched over. “What happened? What’s going on?”

His voice sounded frantic, terrified, and when you looked up in his eyes he looked so scared that it made your chest ache.

You smiled weakly, trying to placate him, “Don’t worry, it’s probably just false labor,” you patted him on the arm and soon enough the feeling went away. “My doctor just wants me to come in and get checked out, just in case.”

He nodded, but didn’t look reassured at all, creases of worry still lining his face. He also didn’t let you go, holding onto your arm as you walked to the car. At the hospital he didn’t leave your side, until the doctor came to do your examination.

“I’ll wait outside,” he said hesitantly, but you could tell he didn’t want to leave at all, eyes looking longingly back at you as he left the room.

After the doctor examined you and reassured you that it really was just false labor, you were cleared to leave and found Jaehyun in the hall, pacing. Once he saw you he ran up to you, searching your face with frantic eyes.

“Well? What happened?” he’d taken your hands in his, and his palms felt cold and clammy.

“It was nothing, just false labor, the doctor told me to go home and rest.” You reassured him, squeezing his hands and smiling softly at him. He let out a long breath, collapsing into a nearby chair.

“Oh my god, Y/N, I almost died!” he passed the back of his hand over his eyes dramatically, and you suppressed a giggle at his overdramatic show.

“Don’t laugh!” he sat up and looked at you incredulously, “I lost ten years of my life just now!”

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” you pressed your lips together trying not to smile. He broke into a wide grin then, pleased with himself that he had managed to lighten your mood with his sense of humor.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

---

The drive from the hospital had been quiet, both of you realizing that there was still this huge wall between you, and neither of you were brave enough to breach it. He walked you to your door in continued silence, and once you reached your doorstep he turned around to walk back to his car.

“Jaehyun,” you called, unable to stand it anymore, “do you wanna come in and talk?”

He turned around, a mixture of hope, fear, and resignation on his face, and nodded.

The time apart had made you realize how much you missed him, and seeing him again had made you realize how much you still wanted him to be a part of your life. You were hoping to salvage something of your relationship, but you were fully aware that you could never go back to what it had been.

You sat him down on the sofa and took a deep breath.

“Jaehyun,” you began, getting more and more nervous as you went on, “I know I made things weird, even though I promised I wouldn’t,” he opened his mouth to say something but you stopped him, determined to get out what you wanted to say. “I was so focused on having a baby that I didn’t think about what involving you would mean, and what it would do to our friendship. I think I was just naive, I didn’t think anything would change, and I was so wrong.”

He sat across from you, and even though he was just inches away it felt like he was miles away, like an unfathomable chasm had opened up between you. Then he looked up at you, hesitant, but determined.

“Y/N, we can’t go back and change things anymore. What’s happened has happened.” He tilted his head to regard you, taking a deep breath before moving on, “so I just need to know one thing.”

“What is it?”

“Do you want me to be a part of your life?”

“Yes. Always.” You answered truthfully, without a doubt in your mind. He smiled, but there was still something behind his eyes.

“Hey, do you remember that pact we made in eighth grade?” He suddenly asked, his eyes twinkling.

“The marriage one?” you scanned your eighth grade memories and that was the only pact you could think of.

“Yeah, the one where we said if neither of us are married by the time we’re thirty, we’ll marry each other?”

“Yes, I remember.” It was during PE class, when you and Jaehyun were sitting in the field while everyone else was running around chasing soccer balls. You don’t remember how the subject came up, but soon enough you were doing pinky swears and Jaehyun was fashioning rings out of blades of grass for you and him to wear. You both had a good laugh over it, and never thought about it again until this moment.

“So what if we didn’t wait?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if we didn’t wait until we’re thirty, what if we just did it now? I mean, we’re having a baby together already.”

“Jaehyun, are you proposing right now?” you said it as a joke, even chuckling to yourself, you weren’t taking the whole thing seriously at all, except Jaehyun wasn’t laughing.

“I mean, I don’t have a ring, but…” he looked around the room, and seeing your spider plant on a nearby table he picked a leaf off and rolled it around itself, making a ring out of it, and slipped it on your finger. You were speechless.

“Jaehyun, you’re serious.” You managed to say after the thoughts stopped running through your brain. You hadn’t really thought about marriage, none of the guys you’d dated had ever made you think about it. You knew you wanted kids, but marriage was something you figured you couldn’t achieve, never having found the right guy. Yet here he was all along, Jeong Jaehyun, your best friend, someone who knew you inside and out. A dawning realization hit you then, that maybe none of your relationships ever worked out because you kept comparing them to Jaehyun, and no one ever held up. You were in love with your best friend, and you didn’t even know it.

“Well?” he asked, with raised eyebrows and hopeful eyes. You stared at the leaf ring on your finger, turning it around and around, your heart and mind finally finding peace in your realization. You looked up at him, cupping his face, and he looked like he was bracing himself for a possibly negative response.

“Yes.” You answered, smiling brightly at him, and it took him a moment to realize you weren’t turning him down. His face broke out into a wide grin, his dimples as deep as ever, his eyes shiny. He pulled you in for a hug, but your belly made it somewhat awkward.

“Oh my god, Y/N, you’re huge!” he looked down at your belly in awe.

“Jaehyun what the fuck!” you smacked him on the arm, slightly offended.

“No, I meant I was too busy being worried about you that I never noticed how big your belly had gotten.” He reached out his hand tentatively. “Can I touch?”

“Of course,” you said, happy that you could share this with him. You took his hand and placed it on your belly.

“Can you feel the baby move?” He asked, eyes growing wide when his hand landed on your stomach.

“Sometimes, mostly when I’m lying still though.” You let him rub his hand over your stomach, endeared at how awestruck he was, his mouth forming a little ‘o’ as he moved his hand around. He suddenly leaned forward, his face getting very close to your belly.

“Hey little one,” he called softly, and your heart clenched at the sight of him talking to the baby in your belly, “I’m your dad.”

Suddenly you felt a jolt in your ribs, as the baby stretched and kicked inside you.

“Oh my god, Y/N! Did you feel that?” Jaehyun clapped excitedly.

“Damn right I felt it,” you groaned, patting your stomach, “keep it down in there, kicking mama in the ribs really hurts!”

Jaehyun burst out laughing, gathering you in his arms and hugging you tightly. “That was adorable!” he exclaimed, and your heart felt warm as you wrapped your arms around him.

---

You decided to just do a small backyard ceremony for your wedding, neither of you fond of big parties that meant even bigger expenses. Jaehyun moved into your house since he had been rooming with a friend, and once all of his things had been moved in and installed, you were left alone with each other once again.

You don’t know why, but your first night as a married couple felt like the first night you’d had sex, awkward as hell. Once again you stood on either side of the bed, unsure as to what to do.

“Bed?” he finally asked after you’d both stood there for too long.

“Bed,” you answered, and you both got in at the same time. You couldn’t help but laugh at your awkwardness, and that certainly broke the tension. You turned to your side, the only way you could get comfortable with how big your belly was, and he slotted his body behind you, wrapping an arm around you and resting his hand on your belly. You sighed contentedly, loving the feeling of being in his arms.

“This is nice,” he whispered, but his breath against your ear made you shiver, and suddenly contentment wasn’t the only thing you were feeling. Not to mention his hand that was on your belly had moved to your hip, fingers tracing wide circles over the fabric of your sleep shorts.

“Jaehyun,” you didn’t mean to, but his name came out in a moan, and his hand stopped its circuit, the faintest bit of pressure being applied to your hip.

“Y/N?” he questioned, but you were taking his hand and moving it up to your breasts. Once he cupped them you moaned again. “Holy shit, Y/N, your boobs are huge!”

“Jaehyun!” you reprimanded him, but he apologized quickly.

“Sorry, sorry, I just-” he cupped and squeezed, feeling the weight of them, “wow,” was all he could say.

“Well they won’t be this big for too long, so you better take advantage of them now,” you encouraged, and he did, tweaking your nipples until you were moaning into your pillow.

“Tell me if I do anything that hurts, or makes you feel uncomfortable, okay?” he whispered into your ear, before he started to plant wet kisses along your neck and shoulder. Your mind went hazy at the feeling of his lips on your skin, and soon he slipped a hand down, past the waistband of your shorts.

You inhaled sharply when his fingers found you wet, when he gathered some of your arousal to rub it around your clit. You moaned loudly when he made circles around your bud, pressing your face further into your pillow.

“Don’t do that, baby, I wanna hear you,” he pulled the covers off and pushed your pillow away, helping you take off your shirt and the rest of your clothes so you were fully exposed to him. He looked at you, lust and hunger clouding his eyes. “Fuck, you look so gorgeous knocked up with my baby.”

Your pussy clenched at his words and you pulled at his own clothes to get him to take them off. “Come here and fuck me, husband.”

Your words ignited something in him, and he bent down, throwing one of your legs over his shoulder and pushing into you. You cried out, not caring anymore how loud you were being, the feeling of his cock inside you throwing you into the heights of pleasure. Once you started though, you couldn’t stop, moans and whimpers and whines tumbling out of your lips as he pumped his cock inside you.

“You like it, don’t you?” he growled, “you like my cock so much you let me knock you up.”

You moaned even louder at his words, your orgasm starting to build in the pit of your stomach. “Yes, god, yes!”

“You want my cum, baby? Look at where it got you, huh? You let me come inside you and now you’re knocked up.” His voice was raspy, deep, and it cut right to your core.

“Fuck, Jaehyun! I’m gonna come!” you warned him, grasping at the sheets as your orgasm hit you, your pussy pulsing around his cock. It didn’t take much longer for him to come, one last thrust that took your breath away, and he spilled his seed into you.

“Are you okay?” he asked, brushing aside a strand of hair that had fallen into your face, “did it hurt at all?”

“No, not at all, it felt good,” you smiled at him, wanting to alleviate his concern. He looked relieved, before he bent down and kissed the swell of your stomach.

“Sorry, baby,” he said sheepishly, addressing the baby, and you could only laugh, rubbing a hand through his hair as he smiled up at you.

---

The next day Jaehyun had left for work, and you were almost out the door yourself when you felt something gush between your legs. You figured you knew what it was and, resolved to stay calm, you quickly called Jaehyun.

“Babe, what is it?” he answered on the first ring.

“I think my water broke.”

“Okay, stay calm, I’m on my way back.”

It didn’t take long for him to come back since he’d just left, and you drove to the hospital all the while holding tightly to his hand. The contractions started then, not too bad at first but as time went on the pain was hard to bear. By the time you reached the hospital you were grimacing in pain and Jaehyun was yelling for someone to come and help you.

You labored for hours, Jaehyun never leaving your side, giving you strength even when you felt like you had no more to give. You wondered how you could have ever done this without him, without his unwavering support, his cheerful but calm demeanor raising you up when you felt like giving in. Soon enough you had a healthy baby in your hands, a boy that an ecstatic Jaehyun had already dubbed his ‘mini me’.

---

If you had known what the first few weeks with a newborn would have been like you would have seriously rethought having a baby in the first place. You were exhausted more than you had ever been in your life, catching sleep for only those precious moments when the baby would sleep. Your breasts were sore from breastfeeding, and if you never saw another poopy diaper in your life it would be too soon. What made it all worth it, was the look of pure innocence in your baby’s eyes, and the way your husband would stare at him like he was the most precious person in the world.

One night you were woken again by the baby’s cries, and trudging to his room you were surprised to see Jaehyun already there.

“Sorry to wake you,” he whispered, “I was changing him and he lost his binky.” You stood in the doorway and watched as your husband expertly handled your son, swaddling him in his blankets and making sure the pacifier was situated in his mouth. “Go back to bed, I got this.”

Jaehyun had done many things during your time together that you considered sexy, but this was probably the sexiest thing he had ever done. You walked back to your bedroom, mentally reminding yourself to reward him when you were more awake.

You lay in bed though, unable to fall back asleep. Your mind was racing, anxieties resurfacing at that dark and quiet time of night. Jaehyun eventually came back, sliding into the bed and spooning you, his arm coming to wrap around your waist.

“Jae?” you whispered, hoping he hadn’t fallen back asleep right away.

“Hm? I thought you were asleep.” He sounded tired, tightening his arm around you.

“Is this the life you wanted?” you asked him, rubbing his arm that was wrapped around you.

“Absolutely.” He answered, without hesitation.

“No, I’m serious.”

“So am I. Why wouldn’t you think I was being serious?” he suddenly propped himself up on his elbow so he could see your face.

“Because you had a life before this, and now it’s just-” you waved your hand in the air, “me and the baby.”

“Just you and the baby? Y/N, you and Yuno are the most important things in my life right now.” He pressed a soft kiss to your cheek. “Yeah I had Friday night drinks and Sunday basketball games, and that was fun and all, but you two are my family now.”

“Don’t you miss it?”

“If I did I’d just go and do it? So no, I don’t miss it right now. Maybe eventually? But that doesn’t mean I’d love you and Yuno less.”

It wasn’t the first time he’d told you he loved you, but you knew you’d never get tired of hearing it. You’d been surprised when he’d told you he’d been in love with you for a while, not daring to say anything about it for fear of ruining your friendship. When you’d told him that you wanted to have a baby he knew that there was no one else in the world that he wanted to bear his children except you, and he was relieved when you accepted his offer of being a sperm donor. He had been prepared to be just that, but the sex threw everything into chaos, including his feelings for you and his resolve to keep your relationship as just friends. He felt himself falling even deeper for you, but his heart couldn’t handle the push and pull he was feeling from you. He never wanted to pull out of your life, and he spent more time staring at his phone waiting for you to call or text than he dared to admit. Bringing up the marriage pact had been a gamble, and he was terrified that you’d say no, but when you said yes, he could barely contain his happiness.

“Listen,” he said, taking your hand in his, “this life is more than I could have ever asked for.”

“Really?” you asked, turning to look at him, “With me?”

“Baby, it’s always been you.”

#jaehyun imagines #jaehyun x reader #jaehyun smut #nct imagines #nct smut

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dragonsareourfuture · 3 years

Text

Light Yagami/GN! L’s Sibling!Reader — Protector

⚠️Warnings: Unhealthy relationships, manipulation, reader experiences grief, major character death, open ending.

requested by @darkrose33 ! sorry this took so long, I mostly finished writing it and then changed ideas halfway through, so I rewrote it all lol. I could not think of a way that the dynamic and story line that was requested could work in the context of a healthy relationship, so this isn't exactly a happy or romantic oneshot. I wanted to make this as realistic to Light's motivations and character as I could. I apologize if this isn’t what you wanted but you can always request something else if you would like :)

For as long as you can remember, your big brother was the person you looked up to the most. He was the brains, the one who had no trouble with the academics but every ounce of trouble with the social aspect of life. He wasn’t one to care what people thought about him socially, which in turn allowed him to behave however he wanted. He was an expert at leaving a room silent and stunned with just his words because of his lack of filter, telling only the brutal, honest truth when necessary. You couldn’t help but admire L Lawliet more than anything else in the world.

And because you held such admiration for the boy, you appointed yourself to be the role of his protector. Some kid called him a weirdo behind his back? Not to worry, with a little persuasion you can get them to apologize. He’s feeling overworked and you overhear one of the adults talking about a pile of paperwork they are about to drop off to L’s room? Huh, it seems that paperwork somehow ended up in the fireplace, nothing but a pile of ashes left of it. How strange. However you could protect him, you took on that challenge, even if it was simply being in the same room as him for emotional support. If you knew he needed to consume at least one vegetable that week, you were there to deliver, even if you had to hide it in a piece of cake. Whatever you could do, you did. Some told you that was what made you two so interesting – he was the brains, and you were the brawn, but you both needed each other to balance out. Like Yin and Yang.

So imagine your despair when, quite suddenly, L didn’t need you anymore. He was solving more cases, gaining in fame as the world’s greatest detective in his mere teenage years. He would, undoubtedly, need more protection than little ol’ you could provide once professional criminals found the desire to seek him out and kill him. And of course you wanted him to be safe, wanted him to thrive in the occupation that he excelled at, but…you missed your big brother with all of your heart. Not a day went by that you didn’t wish you could bring L his lunch or defend his honor out in the kickball field when some kid wouldn’t shut their big fat mouth. You missed those days.

You heard about the Kira case and how it was kicking everyone on the task force’s ass, including L’s. It only made you wish you could be there more. You kept up on the news, though. It was just about the only thing you could do. You tried to distract yourself with your own studies, but it was difficult to even try when you knew you could never in your wildest imagination come close to rising above your big brother.

You kept reminding yourself that you were grown now. You were fully capable of making a life for yourself that didn’t involve L – that didn’t include worrying about him every few moments. So you worked however pointless it may have seemed. You cooked, you did chores, even started taking up odd jobs to complete during the little free time you would have spent sleeping if you weren’t prone to dreams about the danger L could be in. Every moment in life was spent trying not to worry…only for you to realize that you had every right to worry all along.

The news itself was not particularly surprising. L and every single one of his runners up had to write out their will in advance – about a decade early. Death was to be expected in that line of work.

You had since moved out of Wammy’s house officially, but always stuck around to do the gardening, occasionally the cooking as well. Also the cleaning…you were basically the Wammy house maid, but you were grateful for the distractions.

When the news came, you were in the middle of planting a batch of bulbs you had bought at the store the previous day – white lilies. You had nearly passed them by in favor of a more colorful flower, but when your eyes caught the lack of pigment of the fully grown lily on the packaging, you couldn’t help but be reminded of your big brother’s pale as bone skin. You had chuckled at the memory, blinked away a few rising tears, and plucked the bulbs from the shelf. Now, with about half of the bulbs buried under the soil and half waiting to be planted, you listened to Roger’s words grow increasingly louder the closer he came to where you sat crouched in the dirt. You wished you hadn’t listened, though. For he only brought you sorrow.

It wasn’t that you didn’t believe Roger when he had come to tell you of your brother’s passing, it was simply that it was near impossible for you to imagine a world without the eccentric boy you’d grown up alongside. Sure, you’d been separated for some time now, but you’d grown used to knowing that even if he wasn’t with you, he was still somewhere fighting for the justice he believed in. To be told that he suddenly wasn’t in this world anymore…? You had to see it for yourself. So, despite Roger’s warnings, you ran inside and booked a flight to Japan as soon as you could. In your blind panic, you must have trampled the remaining bulbs you had yet to give life to.

…

The flight was stressful, the landing equally so. The drive to the task force building – torture. By the time you made it out of the car and through the doors of the task force building, you swore your throat was closing up. A glass of water was offered to you and, gratefully accepting the offer, you glugged the water down in a matter of seconds before someone else was offering you a seat.

You sat, pulling your legs up and curling them in. The chair was then pushed into place at a table and the man who offered it to you…placed a hand on your shoulder…?

You jolted, the empty cup in your hands almost toppling out of your grip.

“I’m sorry…! I should have asked first. My apologies…and my condolences.”

He appeared younger than everyone else around you. Young enough to be just about your age. His apologetic smile shone down on you like a beacon of light in the dark and dreary times you had seemingly been trapped in for so long. After that thought, you had stared in disbelief when he told you his name. Light. Fitting, you thought.

Light placed a hand onto the chair next to you, looking at you as if for permission. You nodded vaguely, hoping to convey your silent gratitude for him being so considerate. It wasn’t as if no one else had been this kind to you since hearing about the news, it was more so that you got the sense Light actually cared rather than simply spouting out the usual ‘I’m sorry’s you’re supposed to when someone experiences a loss. His words were not empty; they were full of life and intent. What that intent was, you didn’t know, but you wanted to keep feeling it over the usual hollow atmosphere you and your brother grew up in. So, before you knew it, you were spending hours at a time talking with Light Yagami, the very man who would be taking over the Kira case since your brother’s death.

It was indeed shocking to you how someone so young, even young in comparison to L, could lead an entire investigation. Granted, he had the rest of the task force by his side, but after only one day of observing their dynamic, you could feel the disconnection between them. Light was multiple steps ahead of them; there was no question about it. At times you got the sense he was keeping things from them. But, then again, you were almost certain L had done the same thing while he was leading them. It was difficult to blame someone so intelligent when they wanted to save time and not explain to everyone what their plan is, but lead them all like sheep. It would be faster that way, easier too.

With that final thought, the pedestal you were putting Light on became visible to you. But it couldn’t be a bad thing. It was normal for you to look up to your brother, yes? With Light, it was a different sensation altogether, but the same idea. You admired him, and you couldn’t see the harm in that when he was rubbing your back in comforting circles as you cried, talking to you and telling stories when you wanted to focus on something else. He was helping you, and because he wanted to, no less.

…

It was a strange sensation to wake up and have everyone you know suddenly become cautious around you, treating you like glass that would break if they said the wrong thing. After just a few minutes of this, you knew exactly what day it was. It somewhat startled you, your brother’s funeral being so soon. You wondered if the date had been pushed up, but no. You had simply been…distracted. In a good way, that is. When you first arrived in Japan, you thought that nothing but dread would accompany your visit. You had no clue how you would make it through the couple of days leading up to the funeral, how you would occupy your time. Sightseeing felt disrespectful. Besides, how could you appreciate fine architecture or lush greenery with such a weight in your heart, spreading throughout your body like a disease? What you hadn’t expected was to find someone who seemingly made everything more bearable. Someone who made the days pass faster.

This special someone helped you into your outfit – all black, casual yet put together. Light was gentle with you that day. Not skittish or cautious like the others were, but soft and loving. He would touch you, hands on your shoulders and a brush of his fingers through your hair every now and then, but it would be feather light and comforting all the same. He knew exactly how to make you feel noticed and cared for, but not in the least bit overwhelmed with affection – a perfect medium.

Driving to the graveyard was not as stressful as your initial drive from the airport. You originally suspected this was the case because you had time to accept the reality of it all; you were able to let the information ferment and sink in. But, as you got steadily closer to your destination and all the grief you had avoided for the last few days began to bubble to the surface of your mind, you realized this was not the case. What you had time to do was ignore the truth, become distracted as you always did. It had always been your way of dealing with your own problems. It was L’s problems you could face head on. But anything personal to you? No sir. You desperately wished you’d taken the time to develop a better coping mechanism as the car pulled into the small patch of asphalt among a sea of grass and graves.

You hadn’t even realized how fast you were breathing until Light clasped your hand, his free hand reaching to turn your head to face him directly. “Are you okay? Can you hear me?” You nodded. “Good. Now, I want you to take slower, deeper breaths, alright?” you nodded again and followed his instructions – in then out at a slow pace, inhaling as deeply as you could before blowing the air from your mouth. You squeezed Light’s hand and sent him a weary smile when you had gathered your wits.

The fresh air did you good as you stepped out of the car, shoes crunching in the loose grains of asphalt and soon gliding through blades of grass. You started to calm down, internally congratulating yourself for not freaking out with each step. This was the continued routine until the gravestone came into view. The task force was heading toward it, so no doubt it was L’S. It was marked by a fairly large, golden cross that reflected the setting sun like a mirror. You ducked your head, pretending that it was indeed the sun in your eyes that caused you to stop and cover your face. You waved for Light to go on ahead and assured him you would meet him there in a bit. You were absolutely sure no one bought your excuse, but they still respected your wishes and left you behind to gather around your brother’s grave while you turned your back to it.

You walked back to the car almost on autopilot. You could barely see, so you trained your eyes on the ground as tears freely flowed down your cheeks, not a sound leaving your lips until you were safely beside the vehicle you arrived in. You stomped your foot in the asphalt, kicked the loose pebbles around, feeling just like the child you used to be. Throwing a tantrum was not on your funeral to-do list, but there you were. You just didn’t know if you could bear it, seeing your brother for the last time as nothing but a slab of stone. You could sit by it, protect it all you wanted but it would never need you. Not like he used to. You could plant those lilies you had abandoned by it. That wasn’t actually a terrible idea.

You didn’t know how long you were standing there, pacing in the middle of the parking lot. Mustn’t have been too long, as the sun hadn’t even passed over the horizon, but it felt like an eternity.

Until…what was that? Something caught your attention, causing your head to snap up in search for the source. The others were nowhere in sight, all that stirred were a couple of birds from a nearby tree. That could have been another family visiting a grave, which would make sense given that the noise sounded similar to hysterical crying. Or…was that laughter?

You began to grow worried, deciding on a whim to check up on the others. You wouldn’t approach the grave unless you had to, you decided. Yeah, good plan, you managed to convince yourself as you took steps toward the grave. With every few feet, the noises grew louder, and you were soon able to recognize words. You sped up your pace until you made it over the hill that separated the parking lot from the field only to find…

What was Light doing on the ground? No, a better question would be: what was Light – the person who was working his ass off to catch Kira – doing kneeling on your brother’s grave, shouting that he would get rid of the police? That this is his perfect victory? That he wins?

You felt…what? What could sum up that feeling that filled your chest when that sight was exposed to you? You felt confused, you felt unsure. Then, with the realization of what was going on, you felt betrayal. Then, in a sudden wave intense enough to make you feel as though you would fall over, you felt furious. You felt a sudden need to protect your older brother just like you had done for years with playground bullies and critics, but this time with someone you thought you could trust. Someone you loved who had apparently taken advantage of your care for him – someone who had lied to your face about who they truly were.

Before you knew it you were sprinting across the field. You had no clue what you were going to do until you got to the grave and quite literally kicked him off the soil your own flesh and blood was buried under. The move was so swift you wondered if it had actually happened or if this was all some sick nightmare. God, you hoped it was. Although you almost didn’t want to pray to god now, as there was a self-proclaimed god sitting with the wind knocked out of him at your feet.

“You…you GODDAMN FUCKING TRAITOR—” you couldn’t tell if Light was actually looking at you with eyes glinting with fear or if the sunset lighting was playing tricks on you. “THAT’S MY FUCKING BROTHER—YOU CAN’T—I SHOULD NEVER HAVE—” It was impossible to finish a sentence or even a thought in your own brain. There were so many things you wanted to say and kill him for but right now everything was jumbled together.

The way Light was staring at you didn’t exactly help. Eyes that now looked red in the setting sun bore into your own pupils from the ground. He looked dead serious, almost angry that you had the guts to knock him to the ground in your fit of rage. But although your words were coming out in screaming stutters your movements seemed swift and sure, as the moment Light moved to stand up your foot flew to action once more and planted right onto his chest. His back met the ground for a second time. He wasn’t even trying to contain his fury, clawing at your ankle and baring his teeth like a dog trying his best to be intimidating, but still eager to know what you were planning to do next. After all, he could have easily shoved you off. But he was curious.

You spoke calmly now, mind set on what you wanted to ask. “You never cared about me, did you?” Light’s mouth opened to answer but you went on without letting him speak. “No, you cared about me, but only because my brother was L, and I could give you information now that he’s gone. Am I right?” again, his mouth opened, but when your heel unexpectedly dug into his chest he let out a pained and irritated groan instead of coherent words. It was like you were teasing him, not to get a laugh out of his pain but…for what? You barely even knew yourself. It wouldn’t do anything. It wouldn’t make you less humiliated for being tricked and it certainly wouldn’t bring your brother back. Either way, Light definitely didn’t like it.

Before you had the chance to react you were thrown onto your back. Light had pushed you back by your leg and rose to his feet, now above you in every sense of the word. He – Kira – had carried out his plan. Meanwhile, you had nothing left.

“You don’t have to go against me,” Light seethed, “All you have to do is let the new world take its shape, and everything will fall into place.”

“That’s a shitty sales pitch.”

“It’s an offer. You’ve done nothing wrong, committed no crimes. You’d do well in my world.” The look on your face made it apparent that you had no interest in his words. Light furrowed his brows, then the ghost of a smile twitched at the corners of his lips. “I know you –”

“You don’t know anything about me. And I clearly didn’t know you.” You pushed yourself up onto your elbows.

“—you wouldn’t want your brother’s death to be in vain.”

“I—” you paused. “What?”

“L was an obstacle I had to pass to get to a world where less people would have to suffer the same loss you have. I expect you don’t want to just throw away his death and turn me in. you can make something out of his sacrifice—“

“He wasn’t TRYING to be sacrificed; he was TRYING to put a vigilante maniac to death.”

“But if his death could mean a better world for others, you would just throw that away for your own revenge?”

You blinked, once, twice, then rapidly, shaking your head as if trying to prevent dust from getting into your eyes, or Light’s siren song from getting into your head. “Stop. That’s not…Just stop.”

“You know I’m right.” He stepped towards you and for a second you thought he was about to repay you for crushing his lungs moments ago. All that followed was his hand shooting out, stopping in front of your face. You looked up at him in disbelief. “I’ll love and care for you as I did before. I can be the one you care for in his place. All I ask is that you help me create a better world, or at least don’t try and stop me.”

You nearly scoff, but some of his words actually catch your attention. He’d love and care for you…but it would all be fake. Still, what kind of person would you be to reject others a grief-less world just to avenge your brother? But who ever said Light would follow through, not become corrupt along the way if he wasn’t already? There were so many possibilities and so many possible outcomes, all influenced by this one decision that you had to make right now.

You choked on your words.

Familiar voices were approaching.

Time was ticking.

“I…”

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still-a-morosexual-help · 3 years

Text

OBEY ME! LESSON 48 DETAILED SUMMARY + THEORIES

This has two locked chapters that I couldn’t unlock. (I should really go back to lesson 20 and start unlocking all the locked chapters)

Diavolo pulls MC and Levi aside and tells them he’s asked Lucifer out on countless Karaoke dates only for Lucifer to come up with countless different excuses even though he goes out for karaoke with the brothers. Levi says it’s rare but yeah. Diavolo is really happy, saying his dream has finally come true now that he’s at a karaoke bar with Lucifer, Lucifer seems really upset (probably shouldn’t put someone’s family in danger while you’re trying to ask them out on a date just saying). Levi drags MC aside and says “hey, scary thought but uhhhhhhh do you think Diavolo set this all up? Cause if so that’s actually completely insane right?” and MC goes, “yeah lol you just caught up to it now?” while Diavolo goes “I can’t wait for you to sing for me Lucifer <3” pls sir reign it in. Lucifer says he’s not a good singer so to keep their expectations low. Levi mumbles about how that’s bs and how Lucifer’s just good at everything to the point that Levi almost hates him for it. Diavolo is pumped until crowe accidentally hits the erase button and Lucifer disappears before he can even start. Diavolo wails in despair. Levi catches on to the fact that all of this is actually technology at work and not magic.

Diavolo, back to being giggly, volunteers to go next cause he can’t let MC or Levi do so. Levi protests saying Lucifer volunteered to keep Diavolo away from it in the first place and that even though they shouldn’t let MC go Levi as Diavolo’s subject should go next. Levi says that if he lets anything happen to Diavolo while he can prevent it Lucifer & Barbatos would kill him. Diavolo laughs and says if he lets anything happen to Lucifer’s little brother while he can prevent it Lucifer would kill him. Levi asks if he’s being serious and Diavolo says he is and that he was waiting for a chance to sing. Levi gets pissed off and says this is why he can’t stand Diavolo and Diavolo’s surprised and holy shit give us a therapy session I want them to be friends? They’re both so lonely and in desperate need of friends and Diavolo’s dorky enough that if Levi opens up they’ll actually make a set of odd but good friends and plssss Levi says the way Diavolo always puts others before himself, how he’s just and fair and how he never does anything bad irritates Levi cause it makes him hate himself even more and just makes him miserable (AND HOLY SHIT!?). Diavolo is surprised and asks if that’s how levi really feels and levi blushes and snaps yes. Diavolo smile and shakes his head and says “So you hate yourself even when your humility is one of your best traits?” Diavolo says Levi spends too much time comparing himself to others and that he shouldn’t cause it’s a waste when he’s an amazing person in his own right (and holy shit diavolo!?). Levi blushes and stutters and starts denying it. And Diavolo says that his problem is that he always starts sentences with a “I’m nothing but a…” and that Levi is the one making himself miserable (and damn Diavolo no need to call me the fuck out like that lol I’m in pain). Diavolo brings up the time Satan and Lucifer switched bodies and went into Levi’s game, saying it was Levi’s idea that helped them put aside their initial beef and work toward a common goal and that no one but Levi could have done that, when Levi starts denying that he brings up the costumes Levi made for the festival and how they helped make the festival a success – Levi says he flooded the house the day before and ruined the costumes but MC agrees with Diavolo either a.) telling levi to have confidence in himself or b.) that he’s fine the way he is. Levi disagrees and says he’s a disgrace and MC either says they 1.) love him the way he is 2.) that he isn’t a disgrace. For 2.) he disagrees and while blushing says he wishes he could disappear rn. 1.) Levi blushes and growls and says it’s hard to disagree when MC says things like that but he also thanks them and says he loves them too and that he appreciates them saying that to him and that’s why he wants to learn to take pride in himself so that they could love him more (this is probably one of the first ‘I love yous’ that can be taken as either romantic or platonic and it makes me really happy. Levi tries to sing next despite Diavolo’s protests but Crowe says their time ran out and picks out the next song and singer at random: Diavolo.

Diavolo gets a score of 100 and vanishes. Crowe congratulates MC & Levi cause they can now leave. MC says this isn’t a joke and Levi agrees saying what’s the point of leaving if the others aren’t safe. Levi makes a deal with Crowe saying if he sings and gets a score of 100 Crowe must bring everyone back, he then gets pissed off and yells at Crowe saying that he’s no friend and that he wants his brothers and his friend – Diavolo back (Don’t mind me just crying in the corner here). MC asks if they can both sing together and Levi’s happy saying an anime medley between the both of them would guarantee 100. The others all wake up back home at night, not really knowing what happened and pls tell me MC and Levi didn’t lug 7 unconscious grown men – more than half of whom would be 6 feet and over - all the way home together awdjjkfifjijcdn their backs would have broken also wtf would people have thought when you take multiple trips to drag 7 unconscious gorgeous men - who probably look like they’ve just finished being tortured - off with you somewhere!? Levi and MC are probably on some watch list now wtfffff. Asmo asks if the karaoke and all exciting punishments were a dream while Lucifer calls it nightmarish. MC tells them all what happened, Levi has gone straight to his room to finish his event. Barbatos calls Diavolo after leaving 200 missed calls on Lucifer’s phone. MC goes up to check on Levi.

Levi doesn’t notice MC come in and they tell him not to worry cause they said the secret phrase Levi laughs it off and says MC’s a special case who’s been chosen and can enter without the phrase. they ask him how his game’s going. Levi says he’s worn out from earlier and not in the mood for the event rn. MC can either stroke his head or offer to go make some tea. He blushes and says he’s not a child but gives them permission. He says he’s been thinking about what Diavolo said to him. He says he always unconsciously compares himself to others and wonders why he does that, MC says they like him the way he is and he blushes and thanks them saying that when they say that he can believe it cause it doesn’t sound like they’re saying it out of pity. Levi says he knows one reason he compares himself to others and that it’s cause he thinks without a game or an anime MC would leave him behind to hang out with the others and he asks them to tell him they’ll stay with him even if it’s just for the time being. MC says it won’t be just for now. Levi says that just hearing that gives him hope that he’ll learn to like himself (I need MC in my life is2g). Diavolo texts MC saying he wants to talk before he leaves, and MC tells him to wait a bit longer cause if you don’t blow off the ruler of an entire dimension to hang out with your sad friend then what kinda friend are you!? Levi jokes about asking Crowe to trap them in the room until MC scores the highest in a game they aren’t good at but tells them to go. MC can either hug or kiss him. He blushes and tells them to go before he changes his mind and thanks them for everything.

Satan’s watching new cat videos under #FrolickingWithADuck & #FriendsWithAHamster. Asmo asks for something sexier. Asmo and Beel are both sad about missing their appointments and Lucifer tells MC Diavolo’s out by the pool, he then looks sad for a second and calls MC back but then says it doesn’t matter and tells them to hurry and come inside cause it’s cold out. Diavolo’s outside happily looking at the stars and MC asks if he enjoys stargazing. He says he could look at them forever and that Barbatos called him and kept apologizing over and over again and that he had to work hard to stifle his laughter and act mad. He asks how Levi is doing and when MC tells him he says Levi’s the hero who saved them all and he should be in a good mood. MC asks him what he wanted to talk about, he tells MC that he always wants to be honest with them and that he was behind the whole karaoke thing.

He tells them he didn’t do it outta malice and they say they know. He says initially it was an accident but then he realised where exactly he ended up and how crowe had said they had special challenge room and he couldn’t help himself. He asks MC if they’re angry. They’re angry, in both options MC’s pissed off. He says the way they’re looking at him now is unbearable and that after the brothers left he was lonely and kept getting reminded of what it was like before they Fell and how we just wanted to relax and enjoy something with them. He says he knows it’s childish and silly but after seeing how much fun the brothers were having in the RPG he felt jealous. MC can ask him who exactly he was jealous of or tease him how even an heir to an entire dimension can get jealous. He says he was jealous of the brothers getting to hand out with MC and this is what I mean when I say the side characters having romantic feelings for MC in the main storyline doesn’t fully make sense. Cause yeah sure he would’ve been jealous of the brothers being able to just hang out and play with MC but he’d also be jealous of MC being able to fit in so seamlessly with the brothers something that they’ve shown Diavolo wanting since S1. He asks if MC can forgive him and they agree. He says he was more nervous admitting this to MC than he would’ve been admitting it to Lucifer and that he always has fun with MC and feels happy yet nervous around them and that he truly adores them. I just want MC to have close platonic friends pls I desperately need MC and Diavolo to have a strong close friendship where Diavolo pines about how great Lucifer is and MC rolls their eyes constantly cause they live with the guy and he’s a major grade A douche but they’re still willing to listen and play wingman and if Solmare doesn’t give it to me I’m just gonna have to do it myself and write that shit

There’s a bright light and MC is stopped from jumping into the pool and drowning themself to get out of this situation by a snotty Barbatos turning up. MC can either scold Barbatos for what happened or ask if he’s alright. He says he’s fine but then lists all the symptoms of the flu so really he’s lying. Barbatos keeps apologising to Diavolo and MC and Lucifer who’s apparently being eavesdropping the whole time :)))))))))) Diavolo’s shocked and goes to ask Lucifer how long he’s being there but is interrupted by Barbatos sneezing. Lucifer takes the distraction and starts fretting over Barbatos and trying to send him back home and Diavolo takes the lead and follows him. No clue what MC’s doing but I’m guessing they’re eyeing the pool and revisiting that drowning option. Diavolo & Barbatos say their goodbyes and leave. Lucifer tries to make small talk about Barbatos being sick but MC immediately cuts him off to call him out about eavesdropping. He deflects and starts talking about the weather. MC can either let him get away with it and walk back inside or take his hand and use the power of puppy dog eyes to make him say he wasn’t eavesdropping and just waiting for a time to cut in…sure…okay. When they come back the entire living room is flooded and this what Lucifer says word for word “What…did the Earth’s crust temporarily deform beneath just this one house, sending it plummeting to the ocean floor and back again?” and I dunno why but that had me in tears. Mammon & Asmo blame each other, Beel says Levi summoned Lotan. Levi tries to defend himself but Lucifer, while smiling, says he’s a compassionate and kind person so they each get to choose their own punishment and Mammon goes to ask why Lucifer’s more pissed than usual and what’s got his panties in a bunch but is cut off by a scream. While Lucifer tortures his brothers MC thinks back to what Diavolo told them.

In the morning Asmo and Mammon gush over electronic kitchen appliances and Levi tells them not to get used to them. Belphie and Satan argue about having the tv on during breakfast until Satan notices Diavolo and Barbatos on tv instantly causing Lucifer to start choking on his food (and pls dear god doesn’t this man go through enough!?) The news is talking about Corvo the world’s leading hotel chain and its mysterious owner, which just finished its 8th hotel in the county – Corvo Lagoon View. MC goes um wtf is happening rn? And lucifer says god would I like to know. Diavolo bursts in, happy that their segment is being aired already and Barbatos says it’s to be accepted given how the whole of high society is talking about it. When Lucifer asks what’s going on Diavolo says that he used Barbatos’ mistake to blackmail him into allowing Diavolo come and stay in the human realm. Corvo is revealed to be run by the three-legged crow. Diavolo also says he forgot to tell something to MC yesterday and MC has a panicked flashback to yesterday’s conversation while Lucifer sits silently and avoids eye contact. MC: NOW!? HERE!? IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!? Diavolo: YEAH! :D Diavolo takes MC’s hand and gives them a star and MC almost passes out in relief, Lucifer though we don’t see him has definitely passed out.

#obey me spoilers #my posts #my theories #obey me!#obey me #swd obey me #shall we date? obey me!#obey me shall we date

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siempre-pedro · 4 years

Text

Put Your Head On My Shoulder

Pedro Pascal x Reader

Summary: Everything is blissful when Pedro asks you to be his dance partner for a dance lesson he has to take for a new role, until you catch a contagious illness and have to cancel. Pedro finds a way to still dance with you and confess his feelings.

Word Count: 2.2k

A/N: I’m obsessed with those songs but in another room videos/audio! I wrote this inspired by Paul Anka’s song...but in another room. I recommend listening to it while you read.

Requests are OPEN

A gentle knock of your apartment door interrupted your glamorous dinner one Monday night. You folded the corner of your magazine and took one final bite of your Lucky Charms before getting up to answer it “Coming,” you shout, your mouth sill full of cereal.

Once you open the door, you swallow your food as fast as you can, not wanting to embarrass yourself in front of your hot neighbor. You’d known Pedro for years, he had moved in next to you and sent over a plate of baked goods and a note apologizing in advance for any noise. Both of you were smitten since that day. “Did I interrupt you again?” Pedro asks, grimacing at his awful timing.

“Nah I only got to the who wore it best section this time,” you chuckle, leaning on the cold door frame and tugging your knit sweater up on your shoulder. Pedro ran his fingers through his messy brown hair and then cooly put it in his front pocket “What do you need?”

“A favor,” he responds simply, “when was the last time you danced?” You squint your Y/E/C colored eyes and your lips pucker in thought.

“Senior prom. Why?”

“I signed on to do a project, and I have to learn how to waltz,” he explains, a pink tint rising to his tanned skin. You smile softly and cross your arms over your chest, motioning him to continue. “I found a class on Friday in Midtown, will you please be my partner?”

“Why me?” you ask, trying to hide a giddy smile that was threatening to make an appearance. The man of your dreams was inviting you out and all you do was stand there and look like an idiot! He looked so nervous and precious, standing there fidgeting on his spot.

“You know I have two left feet, I trust you not to laugh at me too much,” he laughs. That was fair, he did, hen he invited you to a friends wedding you got to experience that first hand. “Please, Y/N. I need you,” he begs looks at you with pleading eyes.

“Fine, fine, fine,” you agree “Friday.”

He sighs in relief and pulls his hands from his pockets “You are my savior, Y/N. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ll see pick you up at 5 and we’ll take the Subway, yeah?” He plans excitedly, almost bouncing. You bit back a girly laugh and did your best to keep your calm composure.

“I’ll see you then.”

Except you wouldn’t. Tuesday and come and gone and when Wednesday came you woke up with the worst headache of your life. Your neck was so stiff it felt like you were tied to a board, and after some back and forth with yourself, you made an appointment and thankfully, they were able to see you right away. Pedro was texting you nonstop for updates and made silly jokes to calm you. Some made you giggle and others made you groan from second-hand embarrassment.

Those jokes didn’t help when your doctor stood in front of you, his clipboard under his arm, and his eyes looking stern down at you. The older looking man takes a deep breath before giving you the diagnosis “Its meningitis,” he tells you bluntly.

You blink a couple of times, cocking your head as far as it could go without it hurting…which wasn’t that far at all “Meningitis?” you repeat confused, you’d never heard of that before.

The doctor leans against the old counter and uses his free hand to press against the back of his neck “You have an infection that’s causing swelling of the membrane covering your brain and spinal cord, ” he begins to explain, and this is where your daydreams came to a rough stop “It’s highly contagious and often deadly, seizures, brain damage, hearing loss.”

Your eyes widened at the amount of emphasis he used in ‘highly’ “Oh,” was all you could say. Fuck now you were afraid you were going to die! You couldn’t tell Pedro you liked him if you were dead. “H-how bad is my case?” you ask meekly, your eyebrows turning upwards in worry.

“Thankfully we caught it early and the infection is only bacterial, I’ll be giving you the best antibiotics I can and you should come out of this with no side effects,” he tells you, taking his clipboard from his arm to start writing down a prescription. Here comes another kicker “You need to be quarantined for at least a week, no face to face interaction with other people.”

“I have a date Friday,” you say without thinking about what you just blurted out. The doctor looks up from his clipboard and gave you a look that said ‘are you serious?’

“Do you want them to get infected?”

“No.”

He laughs “Then stay home and rest. I’ll supply you with a few masks to get home, then no going out. You go to the pharmacy and go home. Got it?”

You smile at him “I do. Thank you, Doc.”

Telling Pedro you couldn’t go dancing with him may have been the hardest thing you’d ever have to do. You imagined it was going to crush him as bad as it did you. You lean back in your seat on the train, passengers saw your blue medical mask and creating a bubble around you, at least you were alone-ish. Sliding your phone out of your pocket you begin to text him ‘I’m on my way back.’

He replies almost instantly ‘How’d it go? Are you ok?’

‘I have meningitis. A brain infection basically.’

‘Jesus Christ. Are you going to live???’

‘lol yeah. I have to be quarantined for at least a week. I’m HIGHLY contagious. I can’t go with you Friday, I’m so sorry Pedro.’

Pedro’s quick responses ceased. You were constantly checking your phone every few seconds to see if he texted back. You watched your screen intensely, no pop-up messages were appearing, and when it did it was just an Instagram notification that gave you false hope. It took the actor 7 minutes to finally respond.

‘Fuck. Please don’t worry Y/N, I just really want you to get better! I’ll go to that bodega down the street and get you a few things so you don’t starve and stuff.’

Fuck this guy for taking care of you, fuck him for being sweet and nice and everything you wanted him to be. Too bad you were breaking both your hearts, you think. No Pedro was fine you assumed, just helping out a friend.

When you got back to your apartment you found two grey plastic grocery bags filled with Gatorade, semi-healthy snacks, and Tylenol you assumed. On the bag was a neon yellow sticky note ‘I hope I got you everything you needed. I’ll see you in a few days : ) – Pedro’ it read. You smiled softly to yourself and picked up the bags, ready for the lonely week ahead.

Thursday you were in the worst pain of your life, it was like that scene if Ferris Beuller’s Day Off when Cameron was in bed telling Ferris that he was dying, unable to move. That was you, 80s music and all as you laid hopelessly in your bed, surrounded by clear bottles of Gatorade and snacks that Pedro provided. Pedro himself was only adding to your pain, his constant texts asking how you were and trying to make you feel somewhat better was backfiring, you still felt terrible about the dance class. In the evening Pedro would knock on your door, leaving your mail in front of the doorstep. Too bad you couldn’t move to get it.

Friday you were able to accomplish getting out of bed and slowly moving around your apartment. You were leaning on your kitchen counter, chicken noodle soup near boil in a silver pot in front of you. You checked the clock on your microwave ‘4:58’ it read in glowing blue letters, Pedro would be leaving at any moment. That is if he was really going of course.

He was, the door to his apartment closed loudly and a light giggle rang through the walls. You stood stiff, that was a female voice. You rushed to grab a medical mask in the living room, tugging on your gray oversized sweater and a good excuse in your mind.

Your door opened in a rush and you stood in the hallway, the speed of everything got Pedro and the woman’s attention. God she was beautiful, tall and bronzed with silky long black hair, if they needed a new Miss Universe it would’ve been her. She was your foil, you were there in sweatpants and your hair greasy hair pulled up into a high bun, a blue medical mask covering your frown but they couldn’t conceal your dark bags. “Y/n,” Pedro speaks cautiously like a man in a relationship getting caught with another woman. The tall skyscraper of a woman scans you up and down disapprovingly and you didn’t miss her taking a step back when you coughed. “This is Katerina. Kat this is Y/n.”

“Hi,” she sighs, and you simply wave at her before crossing your arms over your chest defensively. Katerina, you hated the way he said her name with that accent of his. Your heart was shattered, would rather dance with her. Your mind quickly flashed to him leaning in to kiss her while they danced, their bodies pressed together.

“What are you doing outside?” he asks you with concern.

You bit your quivering lower lip and replied in a faltering tone “I just came to get my mail.”

Pedro’s dark brown eyes look at you sympathetically “Do you need it right now?”

The tears started to form in your eyes, she probably thought you were ridden with disease “N-no.”

“Please go rest, I promise to bring it to you tonight,” he pleads.

“Pedro we need to go, the Uber’s out front,” Katerina interjects.

You didn’t say anything as he offers a guilty smile before walking off with her. Once their figures disappear down the hall you take in a sharp breath, tears falling down your cheeks. Why did you have to get sick? Why did it have to be contagious? Why did he choose her? You were so angry and jealous and it going to the window in your bedroom to watch him help her into the Uber fueled the angry green fire in your soul.

Later that night you sat on your couch brooding, that night’s rerun of Entertainment Tonight providing background noise as you angrily flipped through Vogue. Pedro would be back any moment, and you were just waiting to hear Katerina’s obnoxious giggles. Soon enough Pedro’s front door opened and shut, no exchanges of words or laughter could be heard. Maybe he did come home alone and you were worrying for nothing.

Music started to play from the apartment next to you, the 50s song you recognized from your father's collection and that one all the kids were into these days. Why was he playing it this loud? You could hear Paul Anka’s voice over Kevin Frasiers on the tv, the bass gently thumping the wall behind you.

Your phone started to ring, Pedro’s name and goofy face popped up “Pedro you’re going to have to pay another fine if you keep it this loud,” you say playfully as you answer it.

“How are you feeling?” He asks lowly.

“Better.”

“Good, stand up,” he instructs.

“W-why?”

“Do his for me Y/N, please,” he sighs.

You shrug and oblige, putting your magazine to the side and standing up in the middle of your apartment “Now what?” you inquire.

“Can you hear the music?”

“How can I not… I’m sorry, yes, yes I can,” you laugh.

“Good, now close your eyes and imagine I’m with you…we’re dancing,” he tells you and you do what he says. You smile and start slowly swaying to the song “I really wish you were with me tonight.”

“You didn’t like what’s her name as a partner?”

Pedro chuckles and closes his eyes “No she was fine. I just wish it was you… my first choice.”

“First choice?” you question.

“You’re always my first choice, Y/N.”

‘put your head on my shoulder’ you cock your head to the side and imagine your putting your head in the crook of his neck, the smell of his cologne bringing a sense of comfort. “I didn’t mean to get sick,” you confess.

“I know, I know… I’m not upset at you or anything. I just had bigger plans for this evening,” he admits, a pink tint rising to his cheeks.

“Which are?” you hum.

“I wanted to tell you that I liked you. More than a friend.” Your eyes open and you snap out of the fantasy, your heart ready to burst from your chest.

“Pedro,” you breathed, wishing he could see the blissful smile. “I’ve liked you since you moved in.”

There’s a silence on both ends, the romantic song filling the void but soon he speaks “Once your better you’ll dance with me?” he wonders.

“I promise,” you say, and the fatigue sets in, “I-I’m getting tired, I did too much today”

Pedro hums in contentment “Go to sleep, I’ll bring your mail and slide it under the door. Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight Pedro,” you whisper. As you hang up the song ends, your eyes look at the wall that divided your apartments and smiled all the way to your bed.

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal imagine #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal fluff

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exosmuttytalk · 4 years

Text

Guardian

Characters: Do Kyungsoo, unnamed female OC (told from the perspective of DO)

Genre: angst.

Rating: mature.

Warning: this deals with topics darker than my usual. Death, suicide and mental health problems mentioned. Proceed with caution and take care!

Summary: there is no summary because the core happening of the story is what makes it as a whole, so you gonna have to read to find out lol

(excuse weird formating, I'm on mobile)

First thing I noticed the moment after you quietly stepped through the front door were the deepest dark circles I'd ever seen rimming your eyes.

Your eyes had always been beautiful. Big and bright, they usually shone with a mischievous spark of intelligence and expressivity. Many times I looked at you and wondered how it was me who became the actor when you seemed able to tell stories with your eyes. On the rarer occasion, your eyes also warned me of the times you slipped closer to your darker-than-reality inner world, that one you were able to scape from when you were barely older than a teenager, through sheer will, family support and a necessary dose of drugs to balance your neurotransmitters. But the longer we were together, the more fulfilled your professional life became, the better relationships you held with other people, the more you enjoyed your hobbies, the more seldom I got to see those hints of sadness barely concealed behind fake content smiles.

This time was not one of those rare times. This time, when I looked at you, I felt genuine fear for you.

This time, your eyes did not show sadness. They didn't even look tired. They were just...completely indifferent. They glossed over our living room and didn't even acknowledge my presence, although I had occupied my usual spot at the armchair for quite a few hours already.

Greetings weren't exchanged either.

I vaguely remembered last night's fight. Even though we used to pride ourselves in the fact that communication was easy for us, daily life, stress fuelled by our jobs and our inability to sometimes see each other as often as we wanted would put a strain on any relationship. But we always managed to solve those issues. They were never such a big deal for us. Or were they?

As you carelessly dropped your oversized folder on top of the dining table, I remembered about the project you needed to hand in at the end of this week.

"How did they like the design this time?" My question was aimed towards finding out what may have caused the icy expression in your eyes. You adored your job at the firm you and some colleagues had set up a few years after you finished your architecture studies. You never missed an opportunity to ramble on and on about what was your life's passion project; even though most of the times I wasn't able to follow every explanation, I was always happy to listen.

Not this time. You turned on your heels swiftly and walked into the kitchen, followed closely by Jackie, but leaving me behind with my unanswered question.

Was it bad enough to deserve this silent treatment?

I could hear you rummaging through the shelves and then I saw you making your way back to the living room, Jackie swiftly walking behind you. You always cradled Jackie for a little while before opening the can of delicious cat food that would go into her plate. You absolutely adored that little rescue cat and the feeling was mutual; a relationship I had never been able to partake in. But this time, you simply dumped the contents of the can into the bowl and gave the animal a absentmindedly pat on the head. You didn't even look at her.

After that, you lied down across the sofa in the same clothes you'd gone to work in and pulled out your phone and headphones. That made me wonder where my own phone could be. I was always aware of my terrible memory even if there were more pressing issues at hand. Headphones were covering your ears just seconds after and I was left there, silently wondering what the hell was wrong.

Maybe you'd had a truly awful day at work? Maybe you were overworked and needed to rest? Could you actually be that mad at me? I truly don't remember what I said, but whatever it was, I'm so sorry.

As I got lost in my thoughts, Jackie had already finished her food and, after grooming herself a bit, she hopped onto the sofa and nestled herself up against your belly. That was the only moment I saw you react. You briefly glanced down from your screen to the cozy creature in your lap. But you didn't smile. You didn't pet her. But I got to see your eyes and there was no indifference in them no more. They were miserable.

I was so scared, baby. I had never seen you so unresponsive and distressed in all our years together. From experience, I knew better than to try to touch you in some instances, so I went for the second best option. I got up and rushed down the hallway to our room, where I supposed I had left my phone. It was time to call your mother, your best friend, whoever was around you when you first had an outbreak. They would know what to do better than me.

I had barely started looking around when I heard the door bell ring. Then I heard it again, insistent. I stopped on my tracks and listened, expecting you to go get it, as you were closer. By the third time, the visitant had switched to knocking and I guessed you weren't able to hear it due to the headphones, so I turned around and rushed back to the front door.

I peeked through the peephole and felt a rush of relief when I recognised your best friend. Bless her soul, she may actually have some sort of mental connection with you.

"It's Sarah!" I shouted in your direction, getting no response back. Just before she knocked for a second time, I reached out for the door knob. The door didn't open. I stared at the door knob in confusion. It was the same piece of silver metal that had been attached to that door since we first got the apartment together years ago. The same familiar and innocuous whatnot I made use of every single day. Maybe it was stuck?

Once again, I reached for it, although this time I was intently watching my right hand.

My fingers.

They went right through the knob. As if it wasn't actually there. As if it wasn't even corporeal.

The impression made me fall down on my butt, but I didn't have time to process anything, as Sarah gave a final loud bang to the door and shouted.

"I know you're there. You either open yourself or I'll call the police"

The threat finally made you stand up and go open the door. From my position down on the floor, I could see how you were easily able to grab onto the doorknob to at last let her in. Being sort of your polar opposite on that regard, Sarah immediately latched on to your neck and you stoically responded by patting her back with one of your hands. As for me, I stared at my own hands in disbelief.

What the fuck was going on!? Could I be dreaming? I tried pinching myself hard and I felt it hurt, but nothing else happened. I was freaking out and seeing both of you in front of me behave in such a mellow way only increased my alarm.

Of course, Sarah lead the way to the kitchen, pulling your arm and stepping right beside me as if I wasn't having a straight up meltdown down at the floor. Jackie had trotted behind you to the hall and was now looking straight at me with what seemed to me a full of disdain expression. At least someone recognised my presence.

"When was the last time you ate?" Sarah's usually loud voice came booming from the kitchen. This question was odd enough to spark my interest, so I stood up and headed that way.

"Yesterday," you responded in a monotone voice.

Sarah, who had started stocking up plastic boxes full of already prepared food in the freezer, turned around to look at you with an eyebrow raised.

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah. Also, there's no point in that, I'm not even hungry," you answered again before turning around to occupy the spot you'd left at the couch.

To be fair, she had filled the sad looking fridge with at least a week worth of meals for two. Was the fridge that empty last time I checked?

"Baby, you can't be doing this to yourself."

"I'm not doing anything, OK?" you suddenly snapped back at her. I had never heard you speak to her in that tone. "I am fine and I will be fine. I just need you all to leave me the fuck alone!"

With that said, you went back to adjusting the headphones over your head and to rummaging through your phone. Sarah stared at you with a dispared look on her face.

"And you know that is definitely not healthy. I am done with this. I'm looking for a therapist and you're coming to an appointment on Monday."

"Do whatever the fuck you want. I am not telling you how to live your life."

Sarah sighed and nodded in response.

"I can't even imagine what you're going through and how absolutely devastated you must be feeling right now. And I know it's barely been a month, but you can't let yourself slip this way, not with your records."

A month since what?

You shrugged her worry off.

"I'm leaving. I will call you later. If anything, please, at least send me an emoji or something so I know you're okay."

You grunted at her before she kneeled down next to the sofa to press a soft kiss to your forehead. Then, she left the house without even glancing at my direction.

I had witnessed the whole scene from a corner of the room and I had grown in my bewilderment with every spoken word.

As soon as I heard the front door softly closing, I walked up to the sofa and circled it, so I was able to see what you were doing that had caused such disagreement.

"KSoo <3" read the letters at the top of the easily recognizable screen of the chat service we used on a regular basis. As I approached you even closer, I could hear my own voice coming from your headphones. I remeber sending you that audio barely a week ago, when I asked you to make a quick run to the grocery store before coming back home, as I needed some more ingredients for that night's dinner.

Your eyes were filled with silent tears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Second part: GUARDIAN II

MASTERLIST!?

Other Kyungsoo shizs

Everyday

Stories of my downfall + Kai

@exosmutxoxo

#exo #do kyungsoo #exo fanfiction #exo smut #do fanfiction #kyungsoo fanfiction #exo angst #Do angst

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

Text

What is the title of the strangest book you own? I’ll just go with the book I just finished called, “Miss Polly had a Dolly” lol. May sound like a cutesy children’s book, but nooope. It’s a murder, mystery, suspense kind of book.

How often do you actually wake up in a good mood? I wake up feeling like a zombie.

What can we usually find you doing on a Friday night? Same thing I do every night. It’s just another day for me.

What would you say is your guiltiest pleasure? I like reality TV and celebrity gossip.

Tell me all about your special lady/gentleman. I don’t have one.

What is the highest outdoor temperature you’ve ever had to endure? Like 115F.

And the lowest? Low 20s, I think. It may have been a little lower. It was snowing and super cold, I know that. Certainly not where I live, though. The coldest it gets here is low 30s sometimes during the winter at night/early morning.

What is the funniest thing a child has ever said to you? Who knows. Kids are really random.

Do you let your pets on your furniture? My dog has her own couch completely to herself. She’s not allowed on the other couches, though.

Can you usually tell when someone has feelings for you? Probably not, it’s been so long.

What would you plant in your dream garden? I don’t have a dream garden. I don’t have an interest in gardening.

Do you believe in fairies, gnomes, or elves? No.

What is your favorite thing to cook for someone else? I don’t cook except for ramen, so I guess if someone wants that then I could haha. I’m the only one who eats it in my house, though. Well, the kind you cook on the stove anyway. I think it tastes way better than the kind you just add hot water to.

What’s the last thing you ate that was made with phyllo dough? After a quick Google search I can say that I’ve never had phyllo dough.

Have you ever bought underwear simply because it made your underwear drawer look nice? Uh, no? I don’t care about how my underwear drawer looks, I buy what I find comfortable.

How do you feel about kettle cooked chips? I don’t like them.

What sort of things do you do when you have the entire evening to relax? So how do I spend every evening? Somedays I’m just waking up. :X In which case, I’m drinking coffee, checking my social medias, watching TV, and playing some Animal Crossing. If I got up earlier than that I’m still doing much of the same except I’ve probably finished my coffee or I’m just about done.

Opinions on cold pizza? I used to like it when I was younger. I took leftover pizza for lunch in middle school and high school all the time. Not a fan anymore, though.

What’s been on your mind lately? I found out this past Thursday at my doctor appointment that I have a kidney stone in my right kidney and I haven’t stopped thinking of it since. It was discovered in the CT Scan I had done a couple weeks ago for my back. Ya know, the one I complained about and did NOT want to do? Good thing I did because who knows how long it would have gone unnoticed. I don’t know how long it’s been there, but it’s not one that will just pass. It’s going to take some kind of procedure, possibly surgery, and I’m terrified. I’ve never had a kidney stone before so I don’t know what to expect. Figures my first one is a bad one. :/ And in typical me fashion, I’ve started to feel crappy and some pain in that area ever since finding out. Like, it had been there for who knows how long but of course now I feel it. I’m hoping that doesn’t mean it’s actually gotten worse. I can’t get into my primary to get the necessary referrals until November 3rd and then who knows when I’ll get in to the see the specialist(s). I’m praying nothing happens between now and then that will require me going to the ER. I was a nervous wreck thinking they’d find something new and bad in my back, I was thinking of all these crazy scenarios, but I certainly hadn’t thought about my kidneys. Thankfully, there wasn’t anything new or scary going on in my back, just the stuff we already knew, so of course I’m glad about that. And a kidney stone, even one like this, can be treated and taken care of, so it’s not the worst thing (unless it gets left untreated and causes blockage...), but still. I’m scared and stressed and ugh.

Are you currently waiting for something to come in the mail? No. What makes your best friend the best? My mom just is the best.

How do you go about cheering someone up? I’m really awkward about trying to do that lol. I never know what to do or say, especially in person.

Would you ever consider visiting Texas? Uhhh maybe?

Have you ever been greatly dissatisfied with a haircut or dye-job? How did you react? No, honestly. Not at the time anyway. I’ve looked back at hairstyles I had and thought wtf but at the time I liked it lol.

When you drive - if you do - how do you hold the wheel? I don’t drive.

Who was the last person to turn you on? Haven’t felt that in a long time.

Who was the last person to turn you off? *shrug*

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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lokis-lady-death · 5 years

Text

Falling from Grace

Loki x Reader

Lady Death Note: This is a story I’ve been working on as a mental health project that’s meant to be a 2 part mini for Halloween (yes I’m late so it’s more Dia De Los Muertos special lol). Part 2 should be up soon, but keep in mind this isn’t meant to be a sweet love story.

WARNING: This story contains sexual harassment/assault, mention of self harm and mental health

The dull sound of the windshield wiper blades passing back and forth over the glass was enough to lull anyone to sleep, but really everything about this day beckoned one to return to bed. The repetitious splashing of water against the car, the sound of tires rolling through puddles, the screech of brakes that slid across the wet pavement: the symphony of a wet, dreary day made you want to curl up under blankets dry and pretend the world didn’t exist. You didn’t want to do anything.

Least of all, talk to Dr. Banner.

Leaning your head against the window, you stared out at the blurry images of buildings passing by. You let out a sigh, catching eyes with your mother in the rearview mirror. She shot you a sympathetic smile you tried to reciprocate, but it was a hard reaction given the circumstances.

When you looked away, she glanced over at Earl, your step dad, who drove your family in silence down the main street of town to your weekly therapy session. His face was always the same expression of angry and confused, so it wasn't exactly clear how he felt about the whole situation.

Anna, your younger sister, sat beside you mesmerized by her phone like any other teenager her age, her bubble gum smacking.

A part of you wanted to ask to go back home, to forget this week's appointment, but you knew the answer to that unasked request.

It had been the same every week, for several years now, weekly sessions with a different assortment of doctors, all trying to make you 'better'. You weren’t allowed to miss an appointment, and now would be no different

So you sat lost in your own thoughts while your family road together in the cramped, broken down Oldsmobile until finally pulling up to the conglomerate of small businesses that shared the street front with Dr. Banner's clinic.

Before anyone else moved, you were already out of the car, pulling down the hood of your jacket and zipping up the front. The rain was lightly coming down, but when your mother got out with her bulky umbrella, you wondered if she expected a storm. She put a reassuring arm around your shoulders like always, giving you a slight squeeze before releasing you at the sight of Earl opening the door. Anna stayed in the car.

"Ya gettin' out?" Earl asked expectantly.

She shook her head, still staring at her phone.

Your mother, in her nauseatingly overloving tone pressed, "You don't need to just sit in the car, sweetie, come on, it won't be long-"

"I’m not sitting in there with those freaks.” Her tone wasn't any nastier than when she first started getting dragged to your appointments, but the words were still enough to send a twinge of guilt to your stomach.

You knew she hated this, hated you for this, but all you could do was offer, "I can go in by myself, you guys don't have to follow me everywhere."

Both Earl and your mother turned to you, your step dad leering over the car with a snicker, "We get paid to show the state that you're making an effort to get your shit together, y/n. I ain't risking our money on-"

"Earl!"

"No," he answered indefinitely, "We all come together to make sure she does what she's supposed to. That's the deal. Unless you're about to start working more hours at the diner, Janice?"

He had a nasty habit of talking about you as if you weren't there, but acknowledging it was never useful.

Especially when he wasn’t entirely in the wrong.

You had been known to cut sessions, going as far as to leave the house like you were to attend them only to blow them off at the local bookstore. Really the one and only reason anyone in your family even cared about your mental health treatment boiled down to one big factor- money.

Back when you were a child, you had a near death experience that rendered you, according to the government, handicapped. For that, your family- at the time just you, Anna and your mother-lived off Welfare, Food Stamps, Medicaid and Disability. It wasn't much, but it was enough.

Then came Earl.

He swooped in on his magic horse, enticed your mother into marriage, and then began his reign in your income-based-housing as the king. He made sure that you got every benefit you could, down to the last dime so that he didn't have to work, though Janice picked up shifts here and there when she could. It never made sense why your mom would get mixed up with a man like him, but you tried not to dwell on it anymore.

Because the truly unfortunate part?

When you should have been taken out of the system after graduating high school, you made one cataclysmic mistake that gave Earl just what he needed. He managed to render you legally unfit to live alone, making it impossible for you to move out and get on with your life.

Under court orders, you were forced to live under his roof while the state paid for your family's livelihood.

The condition for this? You attend weekly therapy sessions and keep a clean record for five years if you ever wanted the chance for a normal life.

Two years in, at twenty years old, you needed three more of good standing to be able to move out on your own.

So really you couldn't blame Anna; if you had a defective sibling that cost you your Saturday morning, you'd be pissed off, too.

You gave the argument, "You got me this far, I think it's safe to assume I can walk inside and wait alone. If nothing else you can stay out here and watch me go in, even go ask Stacy at the front desk if I saw the doctor."

His eyes narrowed, but your mom grabbed hold of your hand and agreed. "I think that's a fine idea. I can take Anna to go look across the street at the department stores, while you go fiddle around in the hardware store. Doesn't that sound like a good way to spend our morning, Earl?" Though she said it so assuredly, she looked back to your step dad for approval.

Moments like that always made your stomach sick.

Fuck Earl, and fuck his approval.

Letting a huff out through his mustache, he waved his hand towards you, looking away as if the sight of you made him ill. "Fine. But I'm going to check in, so don't fuck up-"

"Earl!"

You took in a breath and stepped away from the car, preferring to make your exit now rather than wait another second. Inside you couldn't help but smile at a familiar face before checking in with the doctor's receptionist.

"Yo, y/n, they ain't committed you to the nut house yet?" the man you smiled at commented as you walked to the sitting area. He held out a hand that you took and together you shoulder bumped.

Sam was quite easily one of your favorite people in this godforsaken place, having met him a little over a year ago when he started bringing his friend to see another doctor in the clinic. He had a small frame, but his loud personality was enough for him to make a big impact on you. Between his smooth, brown skin, neatly trimmed goatee, fresh cologne and bright grin, you’d even say he was a good looking guy.

"Naw, not yet. But today’s a new day, so who knows?"

He chuckled at that. "Was that your old man I heard outside?"

Embarrassed, all you could do was let out a shaky laugh. "Step dad. But, yeah, he's just an asshole. So how is our soldier holding up?"

Sam shook his head, dejected as he admitted, "Not too good. Still a lot of bad dreams. But the doctor is supposed to be giving him something to help with sleep so we’ll see how that goes."

You faced the ground, folding your hands in front of you as you sympathized, "Yeah, hopefully that helps."

You didn't know too much about Sam and Bucky, but from what you heard, they were soldiers together in Iraq before another friend in their squad died. Bucky had lost his arm while trying to rescue him from the flames of a Humvee that had taken an RPG hit. His body survived but his mind didn’t make it back from the war.

Just then, a man came into the lobby from the back rooms where patients saw their respective clinicians. His hair was long and shaggy, matching the unshaven fuzz on his face while his downhearted eyes kept down to the floor. One of his hands rested in his hoodie while the left sleeve hung empty at his side.

"Hey, Bucky, how's it going?" you called out. His eyes came up to meet yours and a faint curl graced his lips. He didn't speak, but to be fair, he only recently reacted to you at all, so this was an improvement.

Sam went over to the receptionist counter with Bucky as another man with a shaved head walked in.

This one, with his five o'clock shadow didn't have a hard time with eye contact as he locked onto you immediately, swiping a tongue across his lips. He made a gesture with his hand and mouth to imitate a blowjob. "Hey, sweet cheeks, if you ever lookin to party, hit me up, I don't care if you're a little looney, they say crazy chicks give the best head-"

"Boy, I'll knock you the fuck out coming in here talking like that to her!" Sam cut at him, his fists already tight.

"Whoah, whoah! Hostilities, Mr. Wilson, are NOT what any of my patients need!" you heard from the recognizable voice of Dr. Banner. Walking in behind the other man was your doctor, a shorter gentleman with a clean, well pressed suit and large green bow tie. His hair was salt and peppered, his brow thick and furrowed as he went on, "And Ajax, watch your mouth. Remember your exercises, you need to have some control. Now,” he turned to you, his brow relaxing as he offered you his sympathetic smile, “Miss y/n, come on in, I'm ready for you."

It was strange the way his voice could go from so stern to soft as a feather, but maybe that's why he was so good at talking to people like you. Hell, even the obscene jerk, Ajax, was doing somewhat better, considering the first time you passed him in the hall alone, he cornered you in the bathroom and immediately went to try and expose himself. Fortunately for you, Sam had a small bladder, and unfortunately for Ajax, his right hook was like a freight train.

All of you ended up keeping the matter to yourselves so Banner didn't kick everyone out of the office. It was because of Banner you, Ajax and Sam's friend Bucky stayed out of the state nuthouse, and as satisfying as it would have been to see police drag Ajax away, losing Banner's support wouldn't bode well for any of you. And comparatively speaking, it wasn’t the worst situation you could have encountered, based on the numerous stories about the deranged psychopath Ajax.

If the worst thing he ever did in your vicinity was flash his unimpressive, disgusting member, then you could handle it.

Because in the end it just wasn't worth it.

So you bottled the discomfort of seeing him every week, even as his comments stayed constant. Not much longer and you could be done with this place.

But even so, as you passed him by, you couldn't stop the utter look of disgust on your face at the site of him.

You stared at your feet as you beelined past Ajax, ignoring the comment he mumbled.

"I'd skull fuck you till you eyes popped like a soda can."

Suppressing the nausea of being this close to him, you ignored it, just ready to get the shitshow over and done.

Inside the room, you plopped down on the black couch just as Dr. Banner closed the door. "How are you doing, Miss y/n?"

Removing the hood from your head, you played off like always, as if a recording of yourself, "I'm doing alright, how about you, Dr. Banner?"

He quirked a brow, taking his usual seat across from you on a leather high-back chair.

"I'm doing well, thank you. But I meant more like how are you lately? Have you had a good week?"

"It was fine."

When you didn't elaborate, he went on, "Did you have anything interesting happen? Anything new at home?" You shook your head. "How about plans this weekend?" Again, you shook your head. "Well, how have things been at home? Did you have any… visitors?"

At that you sucked in you lips, shifting your eyes to a plant he kept in the corner of the room. “That’s really pretty, Dr. Banner, is that an orchid?”

Banner took in a deep breath and rubbed the bridge of his nose to help with the mental strain that was You.

"Come on, this is about open communication, y/n. Getting it out, letting everything into the open. Surely you can hold up half the conversation?" His thick brows raised in an empathetic style, waiting for you to take hold. "This is a safe space, you're not going to be punished for telling me anything. I'm not here to judge or berate you, I'm here to help you." Then he ended it all with his signature, sincere twinkle in his eye.

You grunted.

Of all the therapists you had ever seen, Dr Banner was the only one who could get anything out of you.

"I…” you rubbed both hands down your face, “I saw him. He came."

Banner leaned in, producing a small notepad and pen from nowhere while his eyes stayed on you. "The man in black?" You nodded, but knew that wouldn't be enough. "Did you do what we talked about? Did your exercises help?"

Your hands landed in your lap, your fingers twiddling while your chest had a quick rise and fall.

"Y/n?"

"I tried," you finally let out, "I really did, doctor, I just…”

"Are you afraid of him?"

To that you didn't answer, didn't make eye contact. Your breath left you at the allegation.

Were you afraid?

It had all began when you were just four years old, out fishing in the pond at your grandparent’s house with your dad in the dinky row boat he had used since he was a kid. You remembered how excited you were when he let you take the pole, how fearless you felt until the line gave a sharp tug. He tried to talk you through reeling it in, but it was quickly clear you couldn’t pull hard enough.

Taking the pole, he tried maybe three more seconds before the boat toppled over at a sudden jerk.

No one ever could figure out how it happened.

You didn’t remember anything after falling into the water except your tiny hands clawing desperately at the side of the slick boat to try and hold your head up.

But you sank like a rock.

That’s when your memory held the key moment that would change your life forever.

Choked on pond muck, your eyes were still open but didn’t have the same sense of life they once held. You hadn't even processed what had happened, or the fact that really you were already dead, when you saw Him for the very first time.

Dressed from head to toe in all black, with black long hair creating a halo around his white face, it could have well been from the midday sun shining behind him, but the man in black seemed to glow like an angel. His avocado colored eyes met yours with concern, his lips moving to speak but you couldn’t tell what he was saying.

After all, you were already dead.

Yet against all logic, in that instant you coughed up what had flooded your lungs, hurling to the side so as not to gag. Your mother and grandparents had just started running towards you when you could make out, clear as the nose on your face, the outline of the man in black walking away.

In the beginning it appeared you managed to come out of the whole incident with only a fear of water along with the belief of a guardian angel watching over you. Your father, however, was not so fortunate. His subsequent death was what many attributed to your belief in the man in black and, eventually, your decline in sanity.

"He's not real, y/n,” Banner reiterated, shattering the flashback as you came crashing back to the here and now. “That's something you know now. He's not real, he can't hurt you, not unless you let his existence push you like before. As long as you know, in your mind, he isn't real, that it's you in control, then that's what'll get you past this."

You hated when that unfortunate event got brought up, even when it wasn't meant to be a jab at you.

After the first time you saw him, the man in black became an obsession. Day after day, you kept asking your mother to find out who it was that had saved you from drowning, even though she insisted no one else was there besides your family. It was something you constantly spoke about, much to everyone’s annoyance, but having just lost your father they all turned a blind eye.

What was the harm of an imaginary savior for a four year old?

It wasn’t until a few months later that you started seeing him, or at least, an outline of him. Where his face was somewhat discernible at the pond, now he was a distorted image in the corner of rooms, or off standing in the distance outside. At first, you were excited to see him. You couldn’t wait to show him to your mother, to introduce him as the man who had saved your life.

The problem became clear when no one else could see him, but progressed when he started appearing more often.

In the beginning you admired the man in black, even at a certain point growing fond for him. When you first hit puberty, you innocent pubescent mind fantasized about him being some entity that was meant to love and protect you. In your head, you created this identity for him that didn't ever entirely go away.

And as you grew more curious, he seemed to start coming closer.

The first time he came close was when he suddenly appeared before you in the hallway in middle school. In any other circumstance, you might would have been happy with the progress you'd made with him, but this wasn't what you felt in that moment. Rather than have the slightly distorted image of a face, what you saw was more like a moving shadow. His arms stretched out and you could see blackness emanating from him, unlike anything you had ever seen.

It felt like you couldn’t breathe, yet you somehow managed to scream, throwing your books to the ground to huddle into the fetal position.

Everything just snowballed from there, leading to several psych evaluations, hospital stays, medications, and, most notably now, therapy sessions. Nearly everyone was certain you were making it up for attention as a high strung teenager that needed to be the center of everyone’s world, and that it would, one day, pass. It began to be something you no longer told others about, keeping the details of the growing issues to yourself as the years went by and the man in black became more and more brazen.

At its worse, there were nights where you laid completely catatonic in your bed, your heart pounding to the point of making you nauseated, all while he floated mere inches from your face, his body- black like he were clothed but too blurry to make out- floating parallel to yours.

What made this so disturbing was the empty, white vastness where his face should have been that you couldn't look away from. It felt like he was staring holes into your soul.

Somehow you managed to keep the worst of it to yourself until one particularly awful day your senior year when classmates teased you, calling you a freak and a liar. It had been hard living down that you saw someone no else believed existed, especially after your mental breakdown in the hall years earlier.

Kids tended to be cruel, and teenagers even moreso.

That particular day, some classmates followed you in the halls, calling you names, making jokes behind your back, their snide remarks etching more and more into you like ice being chipped away by a pick. You kept your face low, reasoning that if you just ignored them they would stop.

They didn’t.

For nearly five hours you endured their cruel words with no remarks of your own until finally you couldn’t take it anymore.

You were so upset and enraged by everyone's taunting laughs that you took the scalpel from the Biology lab and sliced down your arms.

In your head, the man in black had saved you in the pond.

Surely he would save you again, here, in front of everyone.

They would see, they would all know- that he was real, just as you always said.

But two days later when you woke up in the psych ward of the hospital strapped to the bed, you drew up the painful realization that everyone had been right. The man in black was, in fact, all in your head.

It all led you here, to this exact moment, in this exact place, facing Dr. Banner and telling him something to get through the session as you had done for years now. "It's not that I think he’ll hurt me, it's just that… Even though I know he's not there, it's like I can't…" You brought your fingers up to your chest, urging your heart to slow down. It was hard putting how you felt to words, because truthfully, you didn’t know. "I've been seeing him so long. I used to beg him to talk to me, to talk to my mom, to let everyone know he was there, but he never did. I think I'm just afraid if I tell him to leave..." you glanced up through your lashes.

Banner nodded understandingly. "You'd miss him."

Hearing it out loud sounded so ludicrous you cringed. “He's familiar, " you reasoned.

"Well, you've seen him since the pond incident, so I can understand you wanting to hold onto some remnants of that. You thought he was your protector. But, you realize now he's not real. I'm real. Your mother’s real. Anna’s real. We are a part of your support group, we are who you can come to in crisis. Not the man in black."

You looked down at your hands, having heard all of this before, and let out a simple, "Yeah."

"Y/n, I'm going to make a suggestion. Do you think that you could stay in the hospital a few days?" Your eyes widened, horrified at the thought of being in the psych ward again Seing your anxiety, Banner quickly backtracked, "It wouldn't be like last time, this time it would be purely for investigating these problems you're having. I have a colleague that has ran some basic neurological trials for patients dealing with similar cases of PTSD and I think it could be beneficial in your case, perhaps even-"

"I don't want to stay in a hospital," you cut him off.

As ill as everyone treated you, as crazy as you appeared, you couldn't take a hospital stay, it was just too much.

Banner leaned towards you, laying his hand across yours. "It's common for people who have gone through traumatic events to lock onto something that may have given them security. For you that was the man in black. In your child-mind, it was easy to take this imaginary person and put them into your life as a safety net. You gave him this story, that he saved you from drowning, like a guardian angel as you used to put it. But as that manifested into something… troubling, now you know how important it is to focus on reality. I know moving on is difficult but that's a part of this whole process, y/n. The neurology aspect just gives us a little more insight. What I mean is, it’s possible there was actual brain damage done during your… incident that could cause these hallucinations.” There was no change in your reserve and the good doctor sighed. “But if you're not willing to do it now, I won't make you." When you didn't look up, he offered, "Maybe, rather than tell him he's not real, tell him he's no longer needed anymore. You're strong, y/n, you don't need to hold onto imaginary saviors. You just need to let yourself see how much you can do when you believe in yourself-"

And just like that, an hour flew by with more of Dr. Banner's wisdom and finally you were allowed the sweet release of freedom.

When you walked back to the lobby, Earl was already at the registration desk talking to Stacy. She gave you a short wave while you walked passed them out the door. Anna and your mother were already sitting in the car to hide from the rain, your sister face deep in her screen. You slid into the back seat without a word when she asked, “How’d it go?”

You quirked a brow. “Fine?”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Good,” she nodded, leaving you more confused.

Your mother turned in her seat, beaming over at the two of you. “You gonna ask your sister about tonight?” she pressed Anna, who took in the most dramatic sigh and eye roll you had ever seen.

“Tom said his dad is letting him throw a party tonight, but Earl said the only way I can go is if you go.”

She wasn’t particularly beggy but you could tell by the wideness in her eyes that she was begging you to be a normal older sister and help a girl out. Just then, your step dad slammed his door and started pulling out of the parking lot.

“I wouldn’t know any of those kids-”

“You would know his older brother, he graduated with your class-”

You scoffed as obnoxiously as possible, leaning back in your seat to look out the window. “Yeah, that’s gonna be a hard no.”

Just as Anna was about to start her signature ‘Why is the world against me, my life is garbage, I hate my family’ spiel, you saw the glint in Earl’s eye in the rear view mirror.

Of course he didn’t want Anna to go out, he knew you wouldn’t agree to see anyone who would recognize you from school.

Feeling a fire burn in your gut, you cut your eyes in her direction. “You know what, on second thought, that sounds cool. I’m in.”

Earl mumbled a few curses while shooting you ugly looks in the mirror while Anna gave you a hollow thanks.

Turning away from everyone, you watched the rain dance down the window to the tunes of the radio’s static.

Once the car went into park outside of your apartment complex, you darted to the door through the rain. Anna followed suit, rushing your mom while she tried to juggle her purse and massive umbrella to search for her keys. She unlocked the door and your sister barged in past her while Earl stepped around, nearly making her drop her things. You took her umbrella from her hands while she fumbled with her bag some more.

“That’s why you’re my favorite,” she whispered you with a weak smile and tired eyes.

Looking away, you folded the umbrella and set it outside the door to dry, ready to lay down in your bed. Catching you just before you made it to your room, your mother stopped you with a fistfull of pills.

You frowned. “You know if I take that, I'll pass out-”

“Dr. Banner wants you taking these three times a day to help with the… uh…”

“Hallucinations,” Earl cut in from the living room where he had already set up in front of the TV. Your eyes narrowed in his direction but took the meds without another word.

“Don’t forget about the party,” Anna made sure to remind you before you closed your door. “I wanna leave here at six.”

You threw her a thumbs up, closed the door, and leaned back against it to take a breath. Five deep, calming breaths to help ease your nerves was something Banner had introduced you to,and though you hated to admit it, there were some soothing qualities to it, especially after dealing with your family.

Feeling a bit of tension release it’s hold on you, your eyes opened to your bedroom. It wasn’t much, but you appreciated your own space too much to care. Thick doubled curtains hung over the windows that lined either side of your bed, where a blue quilt and pillows were tossed around in constant chaos. Other than the bed, you had one particle board dresser and an old liquor crate you used as a night stand. Along the generically tan-painted walls, you had hung posters of your favorite bands like AC/DC, Metallica, and Motley Crue.

Three things about your room were guaranteed: first, your floor was always spotless, second, your room was never childish, and third, you kept it dark.

Why?

Because you never knew when you would have a visitor.

It was a conscious thing you always had in the back of your mind, that no matter the time of day or what you were doing, the man in black could appear at any moment.

And while others would leave every light in their house on and not concern themselves with appearances, you practically left open the proverbial front door, hoping to see him again in the same way as when you were a child.

A real person.

It was a sick thing you’d never admit to another soul, but you wanted to see him so bad that you basically gave him an open invitation.

Face planting into the softness of your mattress, you buried yourself in the blanket and soaked up the dark stillness of your room. Taking a few more relaxing breaths, you rolled onto your side, wrapping your arms and legs around one of your thicker pillows. You drifted off to sleep.

It was hours later when you started stirring, at first stretching out your limbs and arching your back. But as your eyes opened, you inhaled sharply at the sight of the man in black standing in the corner of your room.

Just as the times before, he was a blurred copy of a person, a dark stain in space with his face an empty white void. Your breath became shaky while you kept your eyes on him, afraid if you looked away he would vanish.

Or get closer.

Swallowing, you slowly raised yourself on the bed.

Do you ask him to speak like you had done the countless other times he appeared?

Or did you do your exercises from Dr. Banner and tell him you don’t need him?

The choice was taken from you when Anna knocked abruptly with the reminder, "Don't forget we have plans!"

"I didn't forget, I'm getting up," you called out blankly, disappointed at the disruption. The man in black was gone and once you checked your phone, you realized it was time to get ready to leave.

With an unenthused grumble, you rolled off the softness onto the cold hard floor.

You opted to change clothes, choosing a black Metallica shirt with denim shorts. Still hearing the rain pouring outside your window, you grabbed your hoodie and slipped into your flip flops.

Catching your reflection in the mirror on the back of the closet door, you wrinkled your nose at the plainness of your face. Walking out into the hall, you slipped unnoticed into the only bathroom in the apartment, quietly clicking the door shut. You opened up the vanity drawer and started digging at different things until finally coming up with a halfway decent makeup job. Heavy eyeliner, mascara and dark lipstick were as far as you got before Anna threw open the door. She was dressed in a lacey, spaghetti strapped romper that exposed the mauve bralette she wore underneath.

“Awesome, you’re ready, let’s go. Earl finished his first twelve pack and I'm ready to get out before it has time to settle.”

Leaning out the door, your eyes cocked towards the balding spectacle of a man laid back in the recliner in front of the TV. Making a sick face, you agreed, “Yeah, let’s get out of here.” The two of you grabbed up your things and made it to the door until you realized the car key wasn’t on the key holder. “Shit!”

Anna’s shoulders stiffened, then relaxed again at the sight of your mother walking out of her room. “Hey, mom, keys?” she mouthed dramatically though only whispers came out.

She nodded with a large grin, retreating into her room to reappear moments later with the keyring. Quietly handing it off to Anna, not you, she wished you both a nice evening and reminded you to stay safe and keep up with your phones.

The two of you quietly left the apartment and piled into the car, with Anna plopping down into the driver’s seat. “I can drive,” you mumbled, though Anna raised a brow.

“You’re not supposed to drive cause of your meds and I ain’t gonna die tonight.”

Rolling your eyes, you slid into the passenger seat, leaning all the way back and closing your eyes. “Then by all means.”

Watching from the laid back position, you saw the buildings fade away as more trees popped up into view. Tom’s home was just outside town in the suburbs in one of the nicer subdivisions. The houses started spacing out more and more as the homes got larger and larger before finally arriving at a house that seemed too big for any normal sized family. Several cars were already outside when Anna pulled the car up to the curve.

Before she could kill the engine, you told her, “Well this has been fun, but I’m gonna take off.”

“What? We just got here?”

Your nose crinkled in the direction of the house as you answered, “Look, it was nice of you to think of me, but I don’t wanna hang out with you kids. I’m gonna go find something else to do.”

Looking down at her hands, you saw something shift in your sister’s expression, something you hadn’t noticed in a long time. Sympathy. “Look, about what I said earlier, you know I don’t think you’re a freak right?” She looked back up to meet your gaze, her eyes glassed over. “And my friends, they’re not jerks, they’re not gonna be mean to you. Why don’t you come in, you might actually enjoy yourself.”

There was no changing your mind, you knew you didn’t want to be here. Offering her a head tilt and sideways grin, you shot back, “I know, Anna. I just feel like being alone right now.”

“Okay. But you aren’t taking the car.”

You sucked on your teeth, making a smacking noise then climbed out, sighing just before you closed the door.

"Y/n, if you change your mind?"

You didn't look back, simply waved your hand. As you started down the sidewalk. There was no doubt in your mind that you didn't want to be at that party, not even a small inkling that you wanted to be around those people.

Besides, if you were alone, there was always that chance you'd see Him again.

It hadn't been twenty minutes until you came to a bench at a small intersection. Pulling the phone from your pocket, you started aimlessly scrolling through social media.

*****

It had been several hours and you had made it through three accounts, dug two years deep into one person's life (by accident of course) and even read through emails on an account you only owned to have accounts on other websites, you were ready to be done with the night.

Stretching out your legs, you realized how stiff you had gotten.

"Alright, I'm done with this," you texted your sister, "It's time to go home."

Closing your phone, you were just about to slip it in your pocket when a strange sound cut through the air. You froze in place, narrowing your eyes down one of the incoming streets. It was the sound of tires screeching down the road, music from a radio blaring with unrecognizable lyrics through the night.

Rolling your eyes at yet another display of idiocracy of man, you went to start back towards where you left your sister. Ignoring the truck, you went on down the street a little further, your mind idling back to your appointment with Dr. Banner earlier. It wasn't the first time he had mentioned going inpatient with a neurologist to try and see if your trauma could be linked to some sort something, you didn't know what, but maybe more physical than psychological. It was an interesting theory, but in truth the idea of being in a hospital for any period of time didn't show any appeal whatsoever.

Your mind was a million galaxies away, oblivious to the world, only to come crashing down at the sound of a purring engine rolling up behind you. Still, you kept your pace and tried to ignore it.

After another few minutes, you had to fight the urge to turn around.

Until you heard a familiar voice catcall through the night.

"Hey, sweet cheeks, ya lookin lonely without soldier boy hanging around."

The blood in your veins turned to ice and your stomach flipped inside your guts. The unmistakable sound of Ajax calling out was too horrific to imagine.

Not here.

Not now.

It was so late at night you couldn't be certain anyone else would be passing by and your sister still hadn't answered your text.

"Suga lips, I know you hear me."

The truck was rolling steady right behind you but you kept walking, kept your eyes straight ahead.

That is, until it stopped and the distinct click of a door opening made you turn around by instinct. That's when you saw there were other men, not just Ajax, leering at you through the tinted windshield, but it was he who had hopped out and was starting towards you.

"Hey, come on now, I just wanna talk," he started, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about about that mouth of yours…"

"Yeah, come on chicken legs, why don't you let us give you a tide," another man added, followed by the animalistic cracked from others in the truck.

Frowning, you couldn't stop the roll of your eyes or tilt of your head, turning back to walk on your way. You hoped that would be enough to deter him, to show him you weren’t scared, while also helping you put more distance between you.

You didn't recognize. The sound of footsteps speeding your way, not in as quick as it happened. The unexpected bash to the back of your head was too hard, too swift, it knocked you out before your body even collided with the concrete.

*****

"Y/n?"

A gentle voice called out your name, both foreign and familiar. It was gone before you could discern it, though it didn't feel of any consequence.

Opening your eyes, the sky above you was a brilliant blue with just the right amount of white, clouds streaming through the atmosphere. Around your body, you could feel water flowing gently to guide you down a river.

It was rather abruptly that the water began to become rapid. Turning you one way and another. At first it was gentle enough, but steadily it began to toss you back and forth. Your body rocked back and forth, never allowing you control yourself to try and swim to safety.

Through the air, the voice came again, more abruptly and alert.

“Y/n!”

*****

Your eyes popped open with your heart pounding. This wasn’t a river you were flowing down, there was no blue sky or peaceful scenery. The strange sensation of being tossed around by rapids was actually the struggle of two men you didn’t recognize pulling your limp body in two directions.

That’s when you realized what was happening.

They were removing your bottoms.

Wasting no more time, your body jerked as you moved past the stinging on the back of your head, taking them men off guard and managing to get dropped onto the hard ground, but not at the loss of your shorts. Your bare thighs scraped against rocks and dirt as you scrambled to your feet.

All you could make out was they had brought you somewhere away from the neighborhood you were once in, the only thing remnant of civilization the cheaply laid dirt road they had pulled off of. There were several tall trees blocking the night sky and moon, the only light you had from the truck’s headlights.

Barely making it five feet, you felt wide arms wrap around your waist and jerk you backwards.

“Let me go!” you screamed, kicking, scratching, and slapping at whatever had taken hold of you.

“Feisty bitch, aren’t you?” the man commented, throwing you backwards against the hard ground. You landed with a hard thud on your shoulder before trying again to get to your feet.

A foot came forward and caught you in the stomach, violently knocking the air out of you to the point of gagging.

“Holy shit,” you could distinguish as Axel spoke up. A hand came down and lifted your head up by your hair, “Who would have thought the quiet crazy girl would put up such a fight!”

Your eyes were watery when you opened them, desperately pleading, “Please, don’t-”

A hard set of knuckles met your cheek, your being the only thing keeping you from collapsing back against the ground like you were simply a boxing bag.

The warmth of blood trickling down your face and strong smell of iron made your nauseous on top of the pain in your stomach.

“Shit, I think you broke her nose!” a man laughed.

Ajax’s free hand came around to inspect your cheek, turning your face so he could get a better look. “Nah, she’s aight, aren’t you sweet cheeks? But, maybe I need to call you something else now?” Another series of cackles rang out. “Aight, so, are you gonna play nice, baby? I hate to have to lick you ‘gain, but you can’t be whining, don’t nobody want to hear that.”

There was no controlling your sobbing, even at fear of getting hit again. The pain in your face and body was excruciating, unlike anything you had ever felt. The shatter of your nose cartilage and crunch of your lower ribs were enough to make your whole body convulse, adding to the horror of your reality.

But even as your eyes flooded with tears, you managed to make out a disillusioned being lurking just beyond the trees, a light glow of green forming around it.

Your chest thudded.

Not looking back at the men shuffling around you, you called out the only defense you could muster. “Help me!” you hollard frantically. “I know you’re there, I believe in you, I know you’re real, PLEASE!” The knuckles came against your face again, this time catching your in the ear. All you could hear was a distortion of ringing, but you didn’t let that stop you, looking back to the woods where you could see the glow, you called out again, “Please, please! Help me!”

You could hardly even hear the men laughing at your desperation, commenting amongst themselves as you pleaded with seemingly empty space to come to your rescue. The hand holding your hair released you, allowing your body to slink to the ground, exhausted, as each man began to undo their belt buckles.

“Please,” you whispered quietly, keeping your eyes closed tight, certain of what would come next, “Please, save me.”

A wind picked up, just enough to send a chill through the air that sent a shiver down your spine and caused the men to halt in their spot, just before a disembodied voice came from nowhere and everywhere all at once. “If you truly wish it, I will come.”

The headlights behind you shattered, startling you so badly that the only thing your torn body could do was pull together in the fetal position on your knees. Managing to keep yourself from screaming, you closed your eyes and shed several more teardrops.

If you weren't looking, if you were still, if you were quiet, maybe whatever had occurred would simply ceist.

Maybe, just maybe, if you prayed hard enough, everything that was happening would simply end.

Another second passed and nothing else happened, leaving you with nothing that could be done but open your eyes to whatever was unfolding. You lost all breath at the sight of two large boots standing in front of your own bare feet. You were unable to breathe, unable to think, at the sound of a distinctive voice cutting through the air, “But be careful what you ask for, pet.”

The man in black had actually come.

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peremadeleine · 4 years

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The Empathetic Dog Thief, Episode 1

Alternative titles: “Will: Deer Hunter and Dog Dad,” “Crimes Against Costuming,” “What Year Is It: A Crime Drama”

Armed with a gin & tonic and one sleepy cat, I finally gave the NBC show another shot.

I didn’t know Will had a superpower. Cool...?

How come he’s play-acting the murderer, though? Just because he can think like a killer doesn’t mean he needs to be reenacting it himself. That’s just confusing for the audience?? The way they did it in the Red Dragon movie was still effective without coming off as “aw, Will’s playing serial killer”

“This is my design” what

Plaid shirt and striped tie, truly a costuming sin. I didn’t love Will’s “modern wild west” costume vibes in Red Dragon, but it was better than this.

Don’t pretend that Jack and Will don’t know each other. Hate that.

Do look forward to hearing how many different ways people can pronounce “Graham” though.

Oh boy, why does Crawford push Will’s glasses up on his face while murmuring “hey” softly like a lover?? They’re strangers. That was mighty uncomfortable.

is he just assuming Will is on the spectrum? Right after they met???

and then Will confirms, but wait, he just has an “active imagination”?

STAY IN YOUR LANE

at least in canon Crawford doesn’t take advantage of people on the gd spectrum, and he spins it as being for the good of the victims. jfc.

“based on the characters by Thomas Harris”

Of course all the victims in the first episode are going to be women

“it’s not about all of these girls, it’s about one of them”--seven minutes in and they’re already ripping off Silence.

“he’s like Willy Wonka. every girl he takes is a candy bar.” no. nO.

“I mean, I would. Wouldn’t you?” no Will, Crawford’s a douchebag, not a murderous psychopath.

8 minutes in, me: WHERE’S THE TITLE CHARACTER THIS IS B O R I N G

“Why is it now a crime scene?” Because Will says so and he’s his own forensic team, apparently. Next question.

Also apparently he only owns red plaid-print shirts. Huh.

Lol Will has empathy for everyone but a grieving father confronted with his daughter’s dead body???

I don’t like the way Crawford is speaking to Will one bit. It’s supposed to be sensitive, but it comes off as condescending and mollycoddling. Ew. That is SO not Jack Crawford.

"You wrote the standard monograph on time of death by insect activity"?!?

so Will IS his own forensic team. Weird flex, but okay.

Antler velvet. Christ, HERE WE GO.

“You not real FBI?” Rip-off of Silence #2!

“You unstable?” Stop coming at Will, Jesus!

Will is a serial dognapper. SIX DOGS. Maybe, maybe, people in this neighborhood are missing their gd dogs, you monster.

none of them are even UGLY dogs

Will’s also drinking tho. One point for Gryffindor.

Oh, another plaid shirt. At least this one’s got a nice pattern. And isn’t red.

The bathroom is painted red, tho. What is it with Fuller and red walls?

Hugh Dancy’s American accent slips when he tries to like...emote. Yikes.

Strangulation is neither quick nor merciful.

A forensic specialist who wears her long-ass dark hair loose down her back and shoulders in the lab should be FIRED.

Implied “we covet what we see every day” scene: Silence Rip-Off #3

nineteen minutes in, me: W H E R E I S H A N N I B A L this is false marketing

Okay, I actually kind of like the “okay, I can cover him 80%” scene. Crawford’s real good at fucking up people’s lives in order to save lives.

twenty-one minutes in, me: HANNIBAL’S HERE THANK CHRIST

will probably regret this thought later

it’s okay, Hans. I, too, hate the career choices that have led me to this point.

the fact that he has tissues by HIS chair in his office is fuckin’ hilarious, what a douche, I love him

same, tho

The costumes and sets and cars are all screaming 70s/80s. But smartphones!

I’m watching this pretty late so my volume is a bit low and I cannot understand 70% of Hannibal’s dialogue, uh oh

Hannibal is supposed to be short so I don’t think this little “oh Crawford confused the short weepy patient with Hannibal” bit is that cute...I’ve always felt like Mads was poorly cast for that reason, among others. Oh well.

I take it all back:

HIS FACE

“No secretary?” “She was predisposed to romantic whims.” Not sure whether I like this line because Hannibal’s the one acting on whimsy or if it makes me cringe because of the way they’re dismissing Hannibal’s former secretary. Hmm.

“Are these yours, doctor?” a) Duh and b) Silence Rip-Off #4

Why the fuck does Crawford think he can just examine Hannibal’s papers? Like?????????

no wonder he hates your rude ass, Jack

HANNIBAL WHY IS WOUND MAN LYING ON YOUR DESK YOU PRECIOUS IDIOT

“Very interesting, even for a layman” Wow, unexpected Red Dragon rip-off (by the Red Dragon adaptation) #1

this whole scene is made of cringe HELP

why is Hannibal dressed in his Easter Sunday suit

Tattlecrimes.com. I’M SPEECHLESS at the stupidity of that.

tabloids are, in fact, still a thing in the Year of Our Lord 2013

No way is Hannibal fucking Lecter going to drink the swill that probably is Jack Crawford’s coffee, as if.

“Not fond of eye contact, are you?” Yes, Hannibal is the only character who should be canonically coming at anyone like this. (But also poor Will.)

But Will, at least look in his direction while he’s talking to you? I also don’t love eye contact...it’s rude not to even look at a person, though.

Hannibal finally used a contraction! He’s human after all. (This is a common Fanfic-Writing-of-Hannibal problem. I used to have it, too. You think to emulate him you have to write lofty, staid dialogue. But we’re talking about Hannibal the Punmaster General here.)

“This cannibal you have him getting to know” I’m sorry, who said anything about cannibals???

Stop incriminating yourself Hannibal honestly

Wait, is the implication that the victim whose lungs were taken is Hannibal’s? I hope not, because what would he be doing in Minnesota, and since when did Hannibal cut people up alive (Krendler notwithstanding--he’s a special case), especially women????? He’s a Monster(TM), but not a fucking sadist.

Will’s wardrobe also contains gingham!

no really, when did they determine that the serial killer was a cannibal?? did I sleep through that part?

“have Dr. Lecter draw up a psychological profile” bitch, please. Dr. Lecter doesn’t work for Crawford.

I don’t like hearing/watching people eat, especially in quiet moments. That’s going to become a problem in this show, isn’t it?

Will’s dream dear is fucking awful CGI. Wow.

That brown blazer--Hannibal would never.

EVERYTHING about Hannibal that should be black--his clothes and his hair--is brown here. It’s...weird.

to quote @random-emerald-thoughts, “my homocidal boy aint about that tawny bullshit”

Hannibal Lecter: food snob--that’s canon.

Don’t like this dialogue, though. And Hannibal bringing anyone he just met food in glorified Tupperware rings very false.

“Uncle Jack” what the fuck

Wow, Fuller jumped directly into the teacup thing right from the start. Yikes. He clearly didn’t understand it. (Clarice isn’t the teacup, bro. The teacup represents time, and disorder, and will it ever be reversed?)

Lots of weird metaphors in this episode overall, though none as bad as the Willy Wonka thing.

Why is Hannibal in Minnesota? Is he a crime-scene investigator now? Is he on the FBI payroll? Doesn’t he have patients with appointments to keep? Social obligations? I HAVE QUESTIONS.

He’s not a priss or a germaphobe. DISLIKE.

Do like the phone call. Just fuckin’ carelessly with people’s lives for the fun of it, that’s our Hannibal.

FBI? Are you FBI, Will?

He shouldn’t have been issued that sidearm if he can’t hold it steady.

One shot would have been plenty. Maybe two. Jfc, the reason Clarice shot Gumb so many times was because he was going to shoot her. Hobbs had a knife, which he dropped, and he was incapacitated by the first/second shot. Silence Rip-Off #5

How the fuck is he still alive and talking?! Will plugged him about eight times!

Call the police, Hannibal, or the ambulance, or take off your jacket and provide first aid to this girl. You’re a doctor!

It really is like he wants to be arrested or something.

And then he gets to ride in the ambulance?? Just Because?

Overall, it was...not very good, imo, poorly paced, very poorly written, with acting that jumped wildly from “very good” to “awful,” sometimes from the same actors. Intense cringe throughout a lot of the script. Ripped off Silence of the Lambs, a superior movie about many of the same characters, way too many times. Will is boring and I don’t care about him, but then I also don’t care about canon Will. And I still think Mads Mikkelsen was poorly cast as Hannibal...the costumes aren’t doing him any favors, either. We’ll see if he can bring me around.

Some moments of genuine humor that I appreciated, though, and some nods to the canon that I grudgingly appreciated, too, including Hannibal being a dick and Jack Crawford fucking up people’s lives.

Hopefully if you made it this far into my observations you got a kick out of them. I probably won’t go into this much detail for every episode, but I do intend to try to watch at least all of Season 1.

Painful as it might be.

#this is long you've been warned #and it's mostly snarky #but there are some concessions; I didn't hate EVERYTHING

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beckielou121-blog · 6 years

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Hi everyone,

My name is Beckie. I am here to talk about PCOS.

As everyone who lives with it knows how hard, frustrating, tiring and much more that it can be. I was diagnosed a few months ago with it, and it hit me so hard.

Me and my partner Dan have been together four years and six months. It was like love at first sight we are so alike we even argued before we made it official lol. He’s amazing so

Supportive and loving, we both never ever thought we would be together this far down the line. We met when we was both fifteen well a couple of weeks before I was turning sixteen. We have so many amazing and horrible memories but we are both still so in love.

A year or two down the line we talked about the future what it holds for us, what we both want out of life, kids, house, holidays everything we thought about everything. So when we brought up wanting Children we tried we tried hard! We had been trying new things and always thinking why isn’t this working? Do we match? Is our bodies waiting for the right time? We both had so many things going through our minds.

We left it for so long because Dan decided he wanted to wait for a few years, obviously I was devastated a women’s dream is to be a mother have a family have someone who will always need and love you. But Dan had made it clear as day that he was not ready now and he wanted to wait. It did hurt it hurt a lot.

We had both tried for a year or so at this point. We both was tired, tired of having a routine and it didn’t seem normal to have a routine like that. So I accepted that it wasn’t happening well when I say accepted I mean I persuaded myself to think all of these things, like it will happen, you want to do things before don’t you? Maybe it’s your body telling you it’s not ready to carry a child? Maybe you need to let just let it happen?

I had so many talks with myself inside my head about this I thought I was going crazy.

Few months to a year later...

Even though there was so much convincing to myself it didn’t ever stop me thinking about it. I wanted a baby I wanted a family with Dan. I was so depressed and I was crying in my mums arms wondering why I couldn’t get pregnant. Is it me? Is it Dan? I didn’t know. I would be laying in bed in dans arms crying so much my eyes would swell. He was so strong he wouldn’t do anything or show any emotion he was just there, there when he knew I needed him.

Soon after my periods kept getting late or even being missed. I always put in my head I was pregnant I have to be I haven’t had my period? I would do that pregnancy test and guess what it was negative every single month was the same. I drove myself insane.

I am not getting pregnant and I won’t ever well not ever but not now at least:(

that’s what I used to tell myself and it worked I finally started to forget about wanting a baby & family, I was enjoying being nineteen.

My periods were still being weird and not normal I had put on weight as well. I put the weight down to growing into a womens body. But my periods I couldn’t explain, so I got a doctors appointment not an emergency one but I got one for 3 weeks time I was happy but nervous because I hadn’t even thought of why I haven’t had a period in 3 months.

3 weeks later...

My appointment. I turned up 9:30 waiting 15 mins for my doctor to call me in he asked if I had a family history of PCOS? No? I don’t think so? I said. So he was certain that’s why I haven’t been able to get pregnant and why my periods are abnormal. I had blood tests and a internal scan, it felt like this had taken so long so so so long but it was only within two weeks I was so stressed and impatient it was unreal.

I had a phone call at work saying the doctor would like to see me so the surgery made me an appointment the next day. Dan came with me we sat there both twiddling our thumbs. We were called in to the room, he gave me the bad news that I did indeed have PCOS I dealt with it pretty well in there to be honest I didn’t cry or anything. The doctor said “if you want a baby I would try now having PCOS makes it hard it’s better to try now than leave it and miss the chance” he was going to prescribe me metformin; I said I needed to think about this me and Dan need to chat as it’s not what I want it’s what we both want.

Me and Dan got back to my mums I cried like a baby I said why is it always me! All these horrible things always happen to me! All these people out there having babies would make me jealous. Sounds horrible I know but I would see people I know getting pregnant and I would think you didn’t even want a baby? Why now all of a sudden? I felt so bad for feeling like that but I was so messed up by all of it that’s how I thought.

We both decided to go ahead and I would take these tablets with horrible side effects. I was being sick, feeling lightheaded, belly pains, everything was happening I thought I was dying lol. But I was happy because they started to work I had regular periods finally!!! I was happy very happy.

Every month I thought this could be it! I used to say to Dan we could be pregnant we was both so scared and excited. But the periods kept coming and coming and coming.

This is now.

I’m not pregnant I have given up trying it hurts, my heart hurts! I’m making myself unwell mentally. I stopped the tablets and given up.

People always say why give up? It will happen? Let Mother Nature take control!

No no no no!! Understand the pain I’ve been through! I have had enough of putting myself through this.

Some people will read this and relate some people will read a little bit and not care because being able to have childeren for them has been easy.

To all the people with PCOS and know what it’s like to want to have a family and feel like this I am always here, I UNDERSTAND.

And to all the people who have said it can’t be that hard, you will be ok I am sure, your too young why don’t you wait?

Thank you for reading my story.

#itsoktonotbeok

#lifesucks

#pcos

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

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What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about?

in my best dreams id love to go to bed at like 745/8. but my brain doesnt shut down like that, and i tend to be very productive at night. Maybe one day tho

What is you favorite type of lunch meat?

uhhhhh turkey

What time of the year do you dislike the most?

summer heat.

Do you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs?

ew no.

What is your favorite color to wear?

so I have historically worn a lot of darker colors but I’m trying to be intentional about making my life romantic and I need to introduce more color.

Are you an overachiever?

in most respects, yes

What physical feature do you wish you had (i.e. freckles, curly hair)?

smaller size, sharper jawline, thicker hair (not a LOT thicker, just mildly)

What fictional character (i.e. Bambi, Scarlette O'Hara) would you marry?

mr. darcy omfggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

Did you ever go through a phase where you wrote bad poetry?

no. never

What is your favorite thing about your life?

that no matter what, God has always provided and had a better plan

Have you ever painted a picture of somebody?

as a kid, all the time.

Did you enjoy your past relationships?

in most respects. each of them was good for a time.

Name a comedy that you like.

four christmases

Could you wait until marriage for sex?

that was the plan

What was the last thing that impressed you?

ummm that the plumber was able to get the roots out of the drain as easily as he did.

When was the last time you were in a pet store?

last summer. We were going to get benny a little bro/sis but with covid everyone was adopting animals like crazy out here.. so the ones they had were on these enormous wait lists where you would go thru an interview, a HOME INSPECTION, and had to bring all your other animals in to meet said rescue. it was ridiculous.

What nationality is your last name?

dutch

What’s your favorite kind of chips and dip?

ems crack dip with uhhh the wavy lays

Who was the last boy that you saw cry?

uhh hm. hmmmmmmm... I honestly can’t recall

Does your mom know you do surveys?

I dunno, tbh

Have you ever had a serious injury?

I mean, somewhat. Not anything I discuss tho lol

What was the last thing you achieved?

surviving vid!

Would you enjoy being famous?

i doubt it. I’m pretty introverted and even though I get along very easily with people, my batteries charge best when im by myself or home. I would very much like the income though lol.

What’s under your bed?

I plan to go thru it soon! I’m trying to gather all my kile memories and I know I have like jewelry paperwork, cards from flowers, letters, etc. that need to be pulled. :(

Do you enjoy travelling?

Love it.

Have you ever belonged to a club? If so, what was it?

absolutely. thats a long, long list. lots of academic, Christian, honors, volunteer, and youth group types.

When was the last time you drank strawberry milk?

oh geez, maybeeeeeee 15 years?

Have you ever managed to collect all the fast food toys in a set?

no. that was never my thing.

Do you have a clock in your room?

No. My old cable box had the besttttttt time light. I miss having a small clock. I mentioned this to mom how we spent like forever looking for replacements after we changed cable providers. We didn’t want red or green, but the white. Now this makes me want to find one for my room. mom has a google device so shes set lol.

Did you have a good driver’s ED teacher?

I had the most phenomenal teacher. tho when it came to actual driving appointments (after the class periods) I often got paired with this older fella who constantly berated me over being homeschooled and telling me he was going to report me to the state. eventually I stood up to him, handed him the HSLDA contact card (home school legal defense association) and encouraged him to report me all he wanted. he stopped attacking me finally. it was awful. but the other gentleman was hilarious and fun.

Which of Britney Spears’ songs is your favorite?

ohhhhhh mer gersh i love so many of her songs. this answer would definitely change depending on the week but this week its a tie between gimme more and circus.

Does mind over matter work for you?

in most respects

Are you paranoid?

i can be at times.

What is the best thing about winter?

OOOOOoo good gravy this is a long list. I love the calm. I love the way the air is thick and cold and how quiet it becomes. I love hearing the sound of snow falling. I love the glitter haze it leaves. I love the way it feels like the house wraps you up in a warm hug when you come in from the cold. I love the way candles and a fire in the fireplace make everything so cozy. I love the glow of twinkling lights, white and colored, just casting the most beautiful and dreamy cast on the neighborhood. I love the food and drinks that make you feel full and ready for a deep sleep. I love the clothes and the bundling up, the scarves, the hats, the mittens. I love the music and the way no matter where you go, there are carols playing the sweetest love songs. I love the way decorations come up and people display their much-loved memories in the form of ornaments on their trees. I love seeing the elaborate wrapping styles of packages around the tree and filling up the stockings. I love seeing the snowmen and igloo designs displayed with pride in the front yards around town. I love the way the world gets dark so early, yet.. there is light reflecting off the mounds of snow. I love the way the early night allows for early comfy flannel pajamas and thick wool socks and sleep. I love the curling up under a giant mound of blankets and reading a book. I love thinking about the joy on other’s faces when they open gifts that were cultivated for their happiness. I love the rereading of the beloved passages of scripture where we recall the reason for the season. I just love it all.

Have you ever been truly in love?

yes. 2 times, how lucky I was.

Are you currently planning a trip?

I was not. I probably could stand to be home for a bit.

How many plants are in your home?

honestly, no clue at this point. I’ve been locked away coming up on a month. I dunno how many we have right now.

What is your favorite possession?

hmm. boy this is hard. It used to be my ring kile got me. I feel weird saying my favorite things are from him lately, so maybe my stained glass lamp.

Have you ever felt like you were too nice and way too often overlooked?

I am a nice person majority of the time and I would say I have been overlooked from time to time but I definitely do not behave nicely in order to be noticed.

What movies have tripped you out?

eh, I’m not entirely sure.

Did you rollerblade as a kid? Do you still rollerblade?

nope. I was so prone to breaking my ankles that it just absolutely was not for me. I tried a couple times, but couldn’t grasp the hang of it.

Would you ever settle into a relationship that wasn’t right for you? Do you know friends who are in relationships just so they have someone to sleep with at night?

no. this life is way too precious and too short to be spent laying next to someone who isn’t right for me. I have no intentions of settling. I do know of friends who have settled just to have someone near. It makes me so sad. The thought of settling like that just destroys me. Not to mention how unfair it is to the other person. Idk. Just sad sad sad.

Would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating?

no nudity.

Do you use earplugs or a sleeping mask when you sleep?

no. I would be way too distracted by that. I also don’t like things touching my face.

What summertime treats do you love?

ummm watermelon. popsicles.

How picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss?

oooo boy im so ridiculously picky about it. In fact, one guy i was seeing for a few dates... i was like unsure of him and he wanted to kiss so bad and I just avoided it everytime lol.

What do you hate most about moving?

I’ve only done a temporary move. I don’t know that it’s the same.

Do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting?

I think that I’d be down for it if I were married, but I think its most intimate when its in private lol

Do you drink 5 hour energy drinks or any other kinds of energy drinks?

Nope. It’s just not my thing. I’m never lacking that much energy.

Has anyone ever whistled at you?

yes.

Do you like scarves?

love them.

Is your father homophobic?

I’m not sure. I haven’t got a clue.

Do you take gummy vitamins?

sometimes. its my preferred method

Have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all?

not that I can recall. ohhhhhh maybe when i was in theater and we needed to put like color on their faces to ensure they wouldn’t be washed out by the harsh lighting.

Who would you like to meet before you die?

no one. those who want to meet me, should meet me lol

If your dream was to be a model, and a big opportunity came up, but you had to be nude, would you take it?

nah.

What’s the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of?

oh there have been so many. I just ignore them. I don’t see sense in letting my mind be corrupted by that

If Heaven and Hell exists, where are you going when you die?

heaven!

Who is the person that you are afraid of losing, above everyone else?

mom!

What is one thing that pisses you off pretty much everyday?

the bathroom lol

Is there anyone you know that you feel should consider therapy?

everyone. everyone and anyone would benefit from therapy.

Do you like any of the songs on Twilight, or the actual movie/saga itself?

I’ve never seen it so I couldn’t tell ya.

How old was the first person you kissed?

at the time? I was 16 he was ...... 19

Will you be a strict parent one day?

strict? no. I’ll have rules and such but I’m a very loving caregiver... not to be cocky

Last person to stand up for you?

I wish i could tell you. I’ve never been the kind that requires someone else to protect me like that. but man, it has to feel good to know someone else is willing to go to those lengths.

Have you been to a baby shower?

many times.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater?

My sister

What’s your favorite high school memory?

hmm, there are so many i loved.. probably the trips.

Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single?

i love being single, but miss the connection from a relationship

What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do?

hot air balloon.

What subject at school did you absolutely hate?

freakin math

Italian food or Chinese food?

Chinese. ugh, I’d kill for some if they had GF soy sauce options

Do you like to make flash cards when you study?

sometimes, it depends on what I’m using them for. often I’ll just write like Question Answer type patterns in my notebook and then use a coversheet. I hate losing notecards.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer?

yeah but I don’t sing like that anymore.

Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online?

I used to a lot,not anymore so much.

I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike.

no thank you

Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school?

none really on my behalf. one girl completely plagiarized my work and that led to some drama, but beyond that nothing.

Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras?

no, I’m not that sort of wealthy.

Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets?

I mean, part of me thinks that its just kinda sad for the kid to not have simple pleasures instead of needing all the finest gadgets,

Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother?

n/a

Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome?

Jalapeños: yay or nay?

yay most of the time.

Did you ever play Minecraft?

uhhhh only when my nephews ask me to for like 5 mins lol

Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member?

I didn’t.

Do you know anyone that seems to not have any common sense?

yes. some people just seem very... unaware.

What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you?

assault

What type of person angers you the most?

those who feel it is OK for them to assault another person in order to gain what they want or to release what they desire to release

If you could change your appearance, how would you alter it?

I’d want to be smaller. thicker hair. probably invisalign so I can correct my bite.

Describe your first relationship?

he was ... fascinating to me. He allowed me to have my guard down. He made me laugh, he made me blush, but he made me feel like I was constantly safe. He was wounded from his previous marriage but he was.. so worth mending. However, we were long distance and he just wasn’t able to do that. He needed more than I was able to offer him at the time.

Describe your last relationship?

OK so relationship is such a widely defined word. I’m going to describe the last person I was personally committed to. He was my other half. He was pretty vain and conceited when I first got to know him. Constantly concerned with his work and nothing but his work. However, along the years he developed into the most kind, generous, patient, extremely loving man. He changed all sorts of his former ways. He began investing in his character and taking the time to better himself. It was so incredible to watch. We created a bond where he was my world. I thought I was his. but we ended over him having a relationship for years that I knew nothing about. it’s weird, this quote from jane eyre reminds me of him...

“I have a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I'm afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I'd take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you'd forget me.”

Can you honestly say that you always practice safe sex?

I didn’t get the option to do so when it was happening.

Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?

ps i love you just tears me to shreds over how effing painful it is to lose someone you love.

What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?

that I was kind and friendly, warm and inviting.

Do you feel protective over someone?

yes. my loved ones. my family members. my close friends.

What perfume/cologne do you wear?

ummm either very sexy night, or refuge.

What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?

a very deep, dark red/maroon. super lovely

What is your favorite way to eat chicken?

CHICKEN SANDWICH< preach

It is your birthday. You hope the cake is:

omg i crave regular birthday cake. gluten free cake so far has been quite disappointing.

What were you doing at 8pm last night?

nothing.

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thedappleddragon · 3 years

Text

Sunday was Mother’s Day, so I spent a little time sewing my fursuit paws to kill time before getting ready to go to her house. I wanted to be there a little after 2 and buy her a plant from my work, but we didn’t leave until after 2 because my sister was slow and lost her glasses. We got her a pink petunia, and I drove there kinda weird because I’m shit at directions. We talked and had a nice time and my uncle called and my cousins said they missed Indiana which was sweet :) eventually we left so emily could do homework and study for finals, and I sewed a little more and did unspeakable atrocities and multiple war crimes and spent too much time on TikTok and played Pokémon mystery dungeon until it was time for bed.

Vaccine day!! Drank water and played a lot of Pokémon mystery dungeon until it was almost time to get ready to leave. My mom asked me to go to the gas station real quick to get her soda and chips, and I was worried that this trip would make me late for my appointment. They didn’t have the soda she wanted but I got her some chips and some Cheetos popcorn for myself. I rushed home, ran inside to give her her chips and blurt out I was running late, told Siri to take me to the Kroger on X road, and gunned it there as fast as I could. I was already late as I pulled up, but I didn’t recognize the parking lot or anything around it. Then I realized it was the wrong fucking Kroger >:( in my rush to get directions and go, I didn’t check the exact address and just tapped the first one apple maps gave me. The one I needed was half an hour down the road the opposite way I had came :( but it wasn’t all bad, as I sat in my car trying to call and ask if I could still get my shot even if I missed my appointment, a woman walked in front of me to her car and a pint of ice cream fell off her cart. I hung up the phone and got out to hand it to her. She was very grateful and said that was so nice of me and cracked a joke saying there would have been chaos in the house if she had forgotten it lol. I told her to have a nice day and went back to my car, called Kroger back, got no help other than an automated robot voice telling me to go to their website, gained my composure and typed in the exact address I had saved in a picture. I’m so mad because it would have been SUCH an easier drive if I went the right way first, it literally would have been a straight shot from my house there down one major road. But anyway I got there, they said i could still get my shot, I filled out a paper, sat down, the nurse shot me and I hardly felt it (very anticlimactic compared to last time where I worked myself up to tears. I think I already knew it wasn’t going to hurt, so I was already more relaxed so less muscle for the needle to fight), no reaction in the 15 minutes there, so I left and went to the Starbucks across the street for 2 cake pops, one for me and one for my sister. The drive home was uneventful, just a straight shot down X road pretty much. I took the opportunity to sing mlp songs in the car, both canon and fan made. Even tho I was alone and my windows were up it still felt embarrassing and wrong to sing at like a shouting volume lol. So I got home and turns out Starbucks lies about the 2 flavors they had available so my sister got cookie dough instead of birthday cake, and I got chocolate. It was really good tho, I’ll probably get one again some time. Then I hung out and played Pokémon mystery dungeon until my mom had me do a Walmart grocery pickup. I didn’t want to get out of my pajama pants so I wore them there since I didn’t have to get out of the car. Drove home, gave mom her stuff, played Pokémon mystery dungeon, slept.

One of these night I had a dream about running into a friend* who I had ghosted on Snapchat. We were in a Menards or sams club, just a large store, and I had to run around and avoid him as he chased after me, wanting to know why I never opened his text. Some girls told me it was going to be a suicide note, others told me I was horrible for ignoring him. It didn’t leave me with lasting feelings as I woke up, but I know I’m guilty about it in the back of my head. I already KNOW if I open it it’s just going to say “hi,” and talking to him is annoying, and idk why I was friends with him for so long, and I don’t want to keep in contact with him, but he’s a sad shitty boy and I feel bad for him but I don’t want to take responsibility for him or try to make him feel better or whatever. But some good news is that Snapchat is no longer giving me a notification about it, since it’s been 4 weeks now. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. I’ve been asking Siri to flip a coin when I see the notification, waiting for her to flip 3 heads in a row before I open it. So far that hasn’t happened. I wish there was a way for me to open it without him seeing that I did and just not respond, but that’s not how Snapchat works :/ whatever. I had another dream the next night where I became severely depressed and daughter out things to make me feel worse, and when I woke up I just thought it was funny. As soon as I was conscious enough to realize I was asleep in my bed, I felt better, which is what made it so funny. Idk.

And as for today! I was fully prepared for vaccine side effects to hit me like a train today, but I woke up feeling completely fine, even after sleeping on the shoulder I got shot in. Obviously there was a little residual upper arm soreness and stiffness, but other than that, nothing. I texted my friend how her side effects were, and she said it was bad when she woke up but after like 3 hours she was fine. I had asked my work for a day off so I could rest, but since I wasn’t feeling anything, I told the garden center boss I was available today to work. So I played Pokémon mystery dungeon until I had to get ready and leave, but the car I was supposed to take was doing it’s rumbly engine thing again, so my dad revved the engine really hard for a bit until it fixed itself. Work was pretty uneventful, just shuffling plants forever. I did get a new vest, tho. ACTUALLY ONE REALLY FUNNY THING DIS HAPPEN TODAY. My coworker and I were moving hanging planters when we saw 2 birds on the ground fucking each other. She thought they were fighting at first, and it was really damn funny. After work I went to Hardee’s to use my coupon, but apparently they discontinued their normal chicken sandwich?? So instead I got 2 chicken clubs for my sister and I and the drive through lady gave me 2 buy one get one free coupons for when their new breaded chicken sandwich comes out. I thought the club was just ok, but my sister took 3 bites and decided she didn’t want it. I had a couple bites of hers, but gave the rest to my dad when he got home. Oh also he deposited my paycheck into my bank account for me :) he also brought home sushi and these flavored pretzels that are really good but I always end up eating too many 😔 so I played Pokémon mystery dungeon for the rest of the night, eating my sushi and some pretzels somewhere in the middle of it. And now I’m typing this up, but my hips and elbows hurt :( I think my hip pain is from standing and walking back and forth and bending over so much at work, and the elbow pain from holding my arms in the same position playing Pokémon mystery dungeon so much in the past week. I think I’ll just pop an Advil and sleep it off.

Worked 1-5 today

#may 2021 daily #2021 daily

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theres-no-paradise · 6 years

Text

Sorry not Sorry

Chapter 4

Summary: A random number wakes you up early on a Saturday morning. But it doesn't stop there. The stranger keeps on sending messages, and you have no idea what is happening, when you start to develop feelings for the unknown person.

Pairings: Tom Holland x Reader [submit your name: How it works]

Y/N your Name

Y/F your friends name

Word Count: 1490

Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 5

Warnings: There will be swearing for sure, lots of sarcasm

A/N: A smol little chapter for you guys. I couldnt help but sit down and write because right here is one of my favourite texts ever lol I hope you enjoy, even though chapter's not as long as the others. (i'll try to make them much longer in the future, I promise)

Sunday. The only day you could stay in bed from morning until evening without giving a shit for anything. Most Sundays you just stayed in, enjoying some Me - Time and doing stuff you liked. Today, you hung out in bed until early afternoon, reading stuff and drinking tea. You were just going through a nice fanfiction about your favourite celebrity, as your mobile phone buzzed. You reached out for it from your nightstand and read the message that showed up on the screen.

Not Tom Hardy :(: I was wondering… When’s your birthday?

Tom’s questions were getting more personal day by day but you started to care less with each one you received. But you wouldn’t stop to be sassy towards him just yet. You enjoyed this little exchange of words and you felt as if he did too.

You: not happening

Not Tom Hardy :(: aw c’mon

You: no.

Not Tom Hardy :(: I’ll tell you mine

You: have fun

Not Tom Hardy :(: Mine is on June 1st!

You: Good for you. Happy Birthday.

Not Tom Hardy :(: Man, you’re a nut

You: never cracking

Checking the actual date, you choked. The first of June was just around the corner and you thought for a second, if he was actually joking. Was it really his birthday soon? Would you message him and send him some wishes? For a second you imagined bumping into him while strolling through Oxford street. Even though you had no idea who he was or how he looked like, you felt in your little daydream that you’d recognize him, if you’d ever meet him by accident. You just had it. That feeling.

It was already late when you got home from work. It was a busy and stressful new start of the week and you were so glad you could just get home, drop onto your sofa and relax a little before heading to bed. There was a pan on the cooker and you were waiting for your rice dish to finally start boiling as you were having a little hunger crisis. Problem was, that you didn’t get to have lots to eat at lunch because customers were storming in and there was no time to eat at all. You didn’t even manage to get a Snack after work, because suddenly the trains were on time as well so you thought to just get in and drive home instead of missing the train, spend money and then maybe having to wait longer to get home. Now you were waiting for the timer to go off, so you could get up and get your dinner ready.

Not Tom Hardy :(: We’ve been texting over a week now :)

Was it really a week? Has the time, since the stranger messaged you for the first time, gone by so fast? It felt like you’ve been texting with him for much longer than a week. But he was right, it’s been a little over seven days.

You: YOU’ve been texting. I only answered.

Not Tom Hardy :(: But you like it ;)

You: no.

Not Tom Hardy :(: Oh c’mon. You’d miss my texts

He was probably right. You liked the attention you got everyday since nobody else, except for your best friend, messaged you. Of course there were other people texting with you occasionally but nobody ever gave you a feeling that they were constantly thinking about you. Except for him. Tom. The stranger.

You: Tell me Why are you like this?

Not Tom Hardy :(: Because I’m amazing!

You: no. Spiderman’s amazing. You’re annoying

Not Tom Hardy :(: Maybe I am Spiderman

You laughed out loud. You could totally imagine this guy, wearing a Spiderman Cosplay and pretend he’s the real one. Maybe he did Cosplay and had a blue and red spandex? I should ask him that too sometime, you thought as you got up from your sofa. You heard a ringing sound, meaning your rice should be finally finished.

You: Keep dreaming, mate. Just because your name’s Tom doesn’t make you a Holland.

Not Tom Hardy :(: You like that guy?

You: He’s okay. Good actor but my spiderman heart beats for Tobey though.

You really meant it. When you first heard who the new Spiderman was going to be, you kind of lost your shit a little about the information. You’ve seen Tom Holland in The Impossible before and you loved that film a lot and have seen it probably a little too often (You just loved emotional cry films, you couldn't help it) but when you saw his face all over the internet as the announcement for the new Spiderman came in, the only thing that crossed your mind was: Not that baby!

You would've loved to see some other Actor as the new Peter Parker but that wasn't going to happen so you had to accept the choice. After you've seen Civil War, you kind of enjoyed the new Spiderman though. It was refreshing and definitely different from the earlier Versions but your original would always be Tobey. (Keep believing that, Love.)

Not Tom Hardy :(: Well, you really need to watch the new Spider Man though. I think it’s great and the actor nails it too.

You: How do you know. It’s not out yet Also, fanboy much?

Not Tom Hardy :(: No no no! I’ve seen Civil war and thought the new Spiderman was awesome. So I assume homecoming is going to rock. Trailer’s great.

You: lol fanboy #TeamIronMan though

Not Tom Hardy :(: That’s my girl haha

You: I knew if I were someones lol

Not Tom Hardy :(: ohhhhh so you’re not dating anyone?

You: none of your business

Not Tom Hardy :(: And I thought we were friends

You: You think too much, Tom.

The last messages threw you out. Like, you absolutely did not expect Tom to say such a thing as ‘my girl’. There was suddenly a weird feeling in your stomach and you scolded yourself for even letting that get to you. This guy is still a total stranger. Just because he was giving me so much attention during the past week, doesn’t mean that he likes me. And I shouldn’t like him.

You were glad, that he decided to not write anything more that night, as the one sentence confused you to no end. Once you were in bed later, you couldn’t stop thinking about it and it drove you mad. You really needed to talk to Y/F soon. Maybe she could talk some sanity into you and stop that silly crush, that was slowly developing inside of you.

Not Tom Hardy :(: What’s up Y/N? What are you up to?

You grabbed your phone immediately from its place on the desk right after it buzzed. You sighed heavily, as you saw Tom’s message appear on the bright screen. It was no sigh of frustration nor stress though, but more of relief. You haven’t heard from Tom for a couple of days since the day he said the thing and it was making you feel weird. You felt kind of attached to his messages and he was right, you’d miss his little notifications and questions and you were sure, it was already too late of going back. Even though you texted every day only once for a few minutes, it was enough to make you feel important to him.

You: Oh, you’re alive…

Not Tom Hardy :(: Yeah, sorry. I’ve been pretty busy the past few days. Lots of appointments not really time to check my phone

You: And I thought you choked on air

Not Tom Hardy :(: Aw thats not nice though

You: Am I supposed to be sorry?

Not Tom Hardy :(: IF you were an actual human, I guess you’d be

You: Makes sense, but I guess I’m not

Not Tom Hardy :(: lol thats what Ive been thinking

You: You should stop with that. I told you, you think too much.

Not Tom Hardy :(: Now I’m offended haha

You: Does that mean you step texting?

Not Tom Hardy :(: Nope. Still having too much fun

Something was different today, and you realized that after exchanging a couple of messages with Tom. You suddenly felt bad for your comments and wished that you could take them away but to be honest, you were a little mad that it took him so long to message you again, too. You got used to his attention so much, that you became emotional about it and that was your personal no - go. Or at least that’s what it has been for the last couple of years. You were no fan of being attached to people, and it annoyed you when you saw your friends in relationships. Not that you didn’t want them to be happy, but this whole ‘being addicted to a person’ - thing stressed you out and now you were on your way to become one of those. And that because of a fucking stranger, which wasn’t even Tom Hardy.

Taglist:

@hollandorks @beardedsteveslut @ilivefortomholland @casualprincess77 @agirlwithpointlessideas @isabellamozarella03 @MENDES-HOLLAND @thiswildfire @wastedheartnat ( I hope I didn’t forget to add anyone o:)

#sorry not sorry #sns #tom holland #tom holland imagines #tom holland x reader #tom holland fanfiction

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justalittlemango · 3 years

Text

Putting things into perspective.

So.. obviously.. this feels like the worst I’ve felt in a long time or maybe ever. Or, I’m just dissociating like crazy and things feel really wack, but maybe I’ve been through wacker things? I’m not sure. I guess that’s the point of this post to put my thoughts into perspective and compare to past experiences. And with some hope it may make me feel a little more positive about what’s going on right now..

Well, I guess the present moment. Why do I feel wack? I mean, I feel lonely. Even though I’m not, I’m friends with and speaking to quite a few people. Probably the most I’ve ever actually spoken to at any point in my life. So not lonely in terms of friendships, I guess it’s the “love” type of loneliness. Because my boyfriend has gone. I don’t know where. He’s been gone for a while. And it’s affecting me like crazy. Most of this stress and anxiety is being triggered by the thought of him. It all happened quite quickly, a couple months ago he was so clingy and sweet and I’d be the same back. A month after, that all changed completely. It was like the boy I fell in love with had gone. I do blame the meds, but I also blame his lack of accountability. And unfortunately, there were a couple of fallouts, both of us ending up getting hurt. I apologised but got nothing. Nothing at all. Just...ghosted. He came back temporarily for a day or so, but left again. It’s quite wack when someone you felt a new level of love for just disappears.

So yeah.. that’s rough. I’m constantly thinking what he could be doing, how he feels about me and all that. Constantly those thoughts dominate my mind. To the point where it’s disrupted my sleep majorly. I keep stressing in my sleep. Insomnia became a nightly occurrence until I was able to retake control of it more recently. However I’m still waking up in the middle of the night, having distressing dreams, sleep paralysis and all that.. I’m going to assume that’s due to all the stress I’m experiencing. My body doesn’t feel too great either so it’s kind of triggering my health anxiety.

This may also be a part of my seasonal depression because I fucking hate the winter and early dark nights. Feels so depressing. I feel quite isolated. So yes, all those issues in one combination isn’t too great. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a house key here so I can’t really go out early in the day. So I’m stuck inside until it’s night. Oh well, not much I can do anyway.. it is a national lockdown again.. and this lockdown has been the roughest one yet. 10x worse than the one last year. Everything seems so bleak on that front but seems like there may be light at the end of the tunnel soon... I hope.

I think there are some similarities with major negative events I’ve had in the past, such as my first love, when I went to uni in 2016 and whatnot. I mean, the predominant feeling here is loneliness, overthinking and stress. Loneliness always has made me feel ultra shitty in comparison to other things. I hate that I feel lonely since I have so many people to speak to, a lot of friends now.. but it still feels lonely.

So. What’s positive right now? Well.. positive news is that this pandemic seems to be coming to an end (at least here) in a few months. I hope. Positive is that my parents are alive and healthy. I’m currently with my parents right now and I don’t have to worry about money, I don’t have to worry about going grocery shopping or anything like that. I myself, I think, am physically healthy too. My health anxiety tells me otherwise, but I’m trying to just believe it when I feel it yknow? I have friends too that are supporting me. I have a lot of stuff that I would’ve only dreamt of as a kid.. like.. all this technology and a big TV, the only important things to me when I was younger lol.

Money is usually a big stress causer for me, but now I am financially stable and should be good for a while as long as I don’t spend like an idiot. So there’s no need to stress over that at least.

So if I compare this moment to times in the past, maybe I can start being more happy and grateful for what I got right now.

Lets rewind to when I was working as a baker. Having to take a 30 minute train and then a 15 minute bus to the supermarket I worked at. Working those horrid weekend shifts. Having to pick up other people’s pieces because they wouldn’t work as hard as I did. I didn’t like the job mostly because colleagues were lazy and the distance I worked. In all fairness, I hated living in that town. There was nothing to do. It felt trashy and grimey. I hated living there when I decided to move there. I was in a relationship that didn’t feel like it was really working out, but held on anyway. It never did get better really. So.. things in reality weren’t better. It felt nice to get a paycheck. But I remember the stress of public transport, the mixed shifts, not knowing what I’m coming into.. et cetera. So things weren’t as good back then.

Fast forward to summer 2018. I mean, I won’t bother here, summer 2018 was one of the most fun time periods I had. Even winter 2018 was fun despite getting robbed. But it was fun going to Coventry a lot, all the bars/gay clubs around there. Going to Pride. Winning free tickets to Comic Con. Integrating with the Splat community on Twitter, feeling so welcomed and happy. It was the best I had felt for a long time.

Summer 2019. Things got dull! Surprise surprise. Health anxiety was still a new concept to me, so when I did have panic attacks, I would go to A&E. I remember those experiences and how awful it felt, especially just being told it was anxiety. That was a frequent worry for me back then. Another worry was my depression. I felt stuck. Still hated living in that town. Nothing to do. Bored. Working long hours. Not too great pay. Having to cover my colleague and doing that wack warehouse job. Having to deal with annoying customers. The stress of all that would be so bad. I remember being sad because I didn’t have enough time in the day to do my hobbies. Arguing with my ex-bf over who’s doing the dishes and cooking etc. I felt like a zombie in that job. Only thing keeping my head up high was my upcoming trip to Canada, quitting my job, moving out and starting university. I didn’t even really have friends at all back then.. I had my one friend, Drop. I didn’t have anybody else necessarily... imagine that now.. though that has happened at points in 2020 too. So yeah, summer 2019 was arguably worse. Mostly with the situation I was in. Dead end job. Stressed. No time. Hated that town. Lonely.

A bit further back.. September 2016 to Early 2017. This was shit. I hated uni. I didn’t get on with my flatmates. My anxiety held me back so much. I felt like such a mess. I was drinking almost everyday to cope. I blew so much of my money. I didn’t go to any lectures. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t attending. Not making friends either. Just in my room doing jack shit. Relationship didn’t feel great either. So I dropped out a couple months later, found a rather unpleasant message said about me in a group chat, and uh yeah, that made me feel wack XD though.. I can’t blame them, I was isolating myself for legit no reason. I also received lovely news that I had a debt needing to be paid off since I dropped out, and it was one I had to pay instantly. I had no choice but to sign on at the job centre and claim jobseeking welfare. It didn’t go well. I slept over some appointments and got penalised. I then left the jobcentre and extended my overdraft to help cover time for my debts. I then went to a different jobcentre. Took me a couple months but then I got my baker job. I just need to remember how horrible that was. I felt like such a mess. A no-hoper. I was partying and going out with my welfare money and a bit of my ex’s money lol (with him of course!) so yeah. That was an extemely difficult situation to escape. It felt impossible to find a job that wanted me. I was grateful for the job I got. Until it got shitty.

And now... fast forward to 2020. The last time I was at my parents house was summer 2020. It felt really strange coming back here for Christmas with all that happened over the summer. I broke up with my ex-bf. It felt like a relief weirdly. I fell in love with a lad that I felt so heavily for. It went well until we would fall out. He and I did break up around July 2020, and then I met somebody who comforted me and made me feel good. But that didn’t last, since I didn’t “love” him and he did for me. So I ended that around Sept 2020. And then, when I started uni for a couple months, that was also one of the worst times I had. I felt lonely. Lost a lot of the friends I made this year (almost all.) My ex-bf was bringing his lad over and having fun and that made me feel weird. Dealing with being single was stressful. I was drinking to cope once again. And yeahhhh...

How I feel right now is similar to Sept 2020 feels when I started uni. Just stressed. Overthinking. Lonely. Wanting to drink a lot. But I won’t let myself abuse alcohol like that. I think I’m coping well for how shitty I feel.. I mean not all the time I feel like this.. but a lot of days I do. But.. at least I am getting on with my work. I am attempting to do my workouts and my Spanish stuff, as well as my portfolio stuff too. Also keeping up contact with a lot of friends. Pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Not being scared to VC friends anymore. I have come quite a long way.

I just need to fix my sleep. And to do that, I need to stop thinking about him. My brain is just so confused about him. One time I will love and miss him, other time I won’t care and want to meet other people. And I’m not really sure how to maintain a dominant side, if that makes sense? The side I would like to stick to is just thinking he’s a time-waster, he’s ghosting me to try and remain distant and that I should just move on... I try my hardest to keep that in my head, but despite all that, whenever I see old messages or pictures, my soft sensitive side comes out again. I really don’t know how to tackle it. THe thing is, I need to tackle it otherwise I will continue to be stressed and not be able to sleep like a normal human again (and god knows I was a normal human before... smh)

I want to retain my view that he’s no good for me, that I deserve better etc.. but it’s like, the meds messed him up.. but why wasn’t he open about it with me? Why did he get so distant from him.. why did he react so bad to my concerns.. why can’t he communicate with me? And now why is he ghosting me rather than sorting it out? Does he want it sorting? Is he wanting to move on? So many questions and unfortunately I just don’t know. Maybe I need to just put my foot down here.

Easier said than done, but if I put my foot down and keep telling myself I deserve better. Listen to what Drop says, I do deserve better and that he is not well, and that the boy I fell in love with is no longer around. He’s gone. Instead, there is a dark shadow of his former self that is ghosting me. I gotta keep reminding myself that there will be better people out there for me. People who won’t treat me like this. And that, as much as I feel bad that the meds did this to him, I can’t respect how he treated me. He’s made me feel all this shit. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care to reply to me. He made a rude remark about my anxiety in a public forum. He’s manipulative. Think about it.. he’s there, he could easily message me, it takes 5 seconds, but it’s CLEAR as ICE that he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t care to do it. And that should be enough for me to put my foot down and remember that he is no sweetheart. He’s not the Dylan I fell in love with, period.

I think if I keep telling myself this, I can do it. I just need to remind myself that I deserve better. It’s not normal to be treated like this, and that honestly it’s a good thing this all happened before him and I met. On the plus side, I could do something with that £250 I was saving to go see him.. I gotta stop being sensitive. I am way better than this. I gotta remember what my mom said too. Mom always knows better. I was a fighter with all the problems I had when I was younger. I shouldn’t let this present shit bring me down. I’m way better than this!

I’m too good for that kind of treatment. I know my worth. I know my values. And now I know his. And yet here I am losing fucking sleep and stressing over him! Imagine!! Well, I want February to be different. Jan was shit. Feb I hope to be better. I will not think about him as much. I just got to remember that he has disrespected me and treated me like trash. I am no longer going to feel bad. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility. I don’t care if this sounds harsh, this is truly coming from the heart. I know for a fact I didn’t deserve the backlash I got from him. Yeah.. maybe I’ll try that. I should try to avoid the habits I tend to do.. like checking his Discord... or his twitter.. or his Switch activity and that. Avoid looking at my twitter cover also. I wish at this point I could just remove him from my bio and cover but I don’t want to fully break.. or do I? I mean.. how can I hold a relationship with someone who acts like this? So yeah. I need to treat this like a breakup.. an official breakup. And that he and I broke up a month or so ago when he decided to ditch me. I shouldn’t feel bad.

And remember the positives: my parents are alive and healthy, I’m with them right now! And that I don’t have to worry about money. No money problems! Not having to worry about groceries either. All I gotta do is my uni work. Pace myself. And I can try find time to do my workouts and Spanish at some point soon. We gonna have a good time Kurt.

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