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yelenasdiary · 2 years

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I Don't Wanna Do This Anymore

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Reader (platonic)

Summary: Wanda sees through the fake smile you painfully put on each day.

| Angst | 1.8K | Warnings: depression, dark thoughts, language.

AC: Some Wanda comfort for anybody who may be in need of some x

It was a little after 2pm when you finally woke up, you weren’t able to fall asleep until 4am, your mind running wild with some of the darkest thoughts as you cried silently in your room.

You missed the times when everyday excited you, when life wasn’t so blue and dark. Everyday you’re surrounded by people who love and care about you, being an Avenger has its perks, but you still couldn’t help but feel alone.

When everybody would go to bed or be off doing things with each other you were left in a mindset you couldn’t shake, no matter how many times you told yourself you weren’t alone. Soon your thoughts grew darker, and you became more distant, closed off and avoided everybody when you could. You barely went on missions anymore due to sleeping through your alarms and the poundings on your door and yet you never felt guilty.

Waking up, your brain screamed for coffee, but your body didn’t want to move, each day was a fight just to find any energy to keep yourself moving. The compound was quiet, too quiet as you made your way to the kitchen. Nobody in sight, they’ve gone on another mission. “Fuck sake” you mumbled to yourself knowing you’d missed the calls. With the kitchen empty, you made yourself a coffee.

“Good afternoon” a voice made your tired eyes look up from the countertop. “Did you sleep well?” the redhead smiles softly.

“I guess” you replied without effort, “everybody leave again?” you stirred your coffee.

“Just a quick mission, everybody should be back within a few days” Wanda walks over to the kitchen island in front of you. “Why didn’t you go?” you asked as you dipped the warm coffee, your brain thanking you for the delicious liquid.

“I wanted to stay and make sure you’re okay” she admits, her look turns to a more concerned friend. Her eyes watched as you suddenly felt uncomfortable, trying her hardest not read your mind and find out why her friend seemed so lost. “Thanks, but I’m fine. Just tried” you avoid her strong eye contact.

“I wouldn’t call sleeping all day fine” she peaks not buying your excuse. “Y/n, I’m worried. We all are” she adds slowly reaching to grab your hand.

“Don’t. There’s nothing to worry about.” You say sternly, moving your hand away from her reach. “I’m going to go back to my room. Sorry you missed the mission”

Wanda stopped you as you walked by her, gently hold your arm. “Y/n, look at me” she says in a worried tone, her big green eyes searching your face for a connection. “Let me go Wanda, please”

“Not until you talk to me”

“I don’t want to talk Wanda. Just leave me alone, please. Go do something more worth your time” you snapped, pulling your arm from her hold. “You are worth my time”

“I’m not. Trust me, watching the grass grow is more interesting than me”

“That’s not true! Y/n, I know you’re not okay. I don’t care that you’ve been missing mission, what I care about is you. I see the fake smile you put on for everybody, I see the same smile disappear when nobody is watching. You’re distant, you barely talk to us anymore and you live in that room” Wanda points out. You look at her with frowned eyebrows, a tremble on your bottom lip as you fight back tears. Somebody noticed.

“Sorry, I wasn’t aware we were keeping tabs on one another” you snapped once again, not meaning the words that came out of your mouth. Your protective walls standing tall as you felt annoyance and anger from the conversation.

“When my friend is struggling, yes. I’ll keep tabs” Wanda spoke sternly but her eyes spoke words louder than anything. “Please talk to me or at least let me help you find somebody to talk too”

“I’m not going to bore you or a complete stranger with my problems, now please, leave me alone!”

Wanda watched as you walked back to your room, she wasn’t about to give up on you, no matter how much you begged her.

Your room was dark, the blinds haven’t been lifted for months, the floor was a mess, your desk cluttered with things that bear no meaning, clean washing sat on a chair in a mess but still it wasn’t enough for you to care, even in the slightest. The television played shows that once brought you comfort as you sat in bed with your coffee staring at the wall.

“How did I let myself go like this?” you thought to yourself which only led to more thoughts and as the day went by, you barely moved, coffee now gone cold as it sat on your bedside table. “Nothing matters now, you don’t matter, they don’t care, you’re just another problem they have to deal with” the voice inside your head spoke, making you believe all the words it spoke. “You could run away, and nobody would even care to search for you! You don’t deserve this space, what have you done to earn it?” it goes on, only stopping when a knock at your door brings you back to reality.

Wiping the tears that now stained your cheeks, you opened the door. Wanda stood with a sandwich and a glass of juice. “I wasn’t sure what you wanted for dinner” she saw the tear streams. “Thanks, but I’m not hungry”

“You haven’t eaten, when was the last time you ate?” she calmly asked.

“I don’t know, like a snack yesterday morning” you rolled your eyes.

“You don’t have to lie to me” Wanda tilted her head slightly. “Lie? What are you reading my mind again?!” you frowned.

“No, I promised I wouldn’t invade people’s privacy like that anymore, but I can see in your eyes that you’re screaming for help”

“Fine! If I eat the sandwich, will you leave me alone?!”

“No. I’m going to keep coming back because I know you’re better than this, I’m going to keep coming back because I care and if need anything, I’m here”

You didn’t say anything, you took the sandwich and juice and used your foot to close the door. The sandwich and juice now sat on a spot at your desk as you crawled back into bed. “I’m sorry Wands” you whispered to yourself. You hated the way you were treating her, but you felt you had no control over your thoughts or emotions, she was right though, deep down the happier you was screaming for help and only Wanda could hear her.

The shows you once enjoyed so much now didn’t seem to strike any interest as you sat in your dark room, all you could hear was the thoughts from your head and the muffled voices from the tv downstairs. Voices in your heading fighting back and forth, “just go talk to her!”, “don’t so that, she doesn’t care about your problems!” , “you’ll feel better talking to somebody. Wanda cares” , “don’t waste her time. She only stayed behind because she feels guilty”

For the first time in months, you gave in. Pulling the covers off you, getting onto your feet and walking downstairs to see Wanda watching one of her favourite sitcoms. She looked almost as sad as you did.

“Hey” she softly smiled, muting the tv. You stood before her, tears filling your eyes. “Oh honey” Wanda stood from the sofa and walked over to you. “Come here” she opened her arms to you. Hesitantly you stepped closer and closer before your body dived into her embrace. “I’m sorry for being such a bitch to you” you sobbed into her chest.

“You weren’t” Wanda assured you, rubbing your back as you soaked her top. “I’m here honey, let it out” she coached. You allowed yourself too simply cry. Now words were said, Wanda’s hand remained rubbing your back up and down as she let you tighter, your thoughts talking louder to her than she’d ever heard. Tears of her own started to build up in her eyes. She saw how dark and cold your thoughts were which only caused her to hold you just a tighter and extra close.

After a while you eventually let her go, leaning back and wiping your tears Wanda’s eyes looked at you with pure love and care. That’s when you noticed she knew more than you thought.

“You are so special; do you understand me? Y/n, you are loved. God you are so loved, you are more than wanted! You are needed, you are a bright light in all of our lives. Do you understand?” Wanda spoke, her hands now rested on either side of your arms. “I love you; you are family. I want you to promise me that when you get those dark thoughts to talk to me, or anybody” she adds.

“I... I can’t” you looked at her with your puffy red eyes.

“You can. That voice you hear isn’t your friend, they don’t see the beautiful person you are” Wanda’s voice was clear, her eyes never leaving yours. Softly, you gave her a nod. “I... I don’t want to do this anymore Wands” you confessed, “I’m so tired of living like this, I’m tired of everything, I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore” tears quickly returned.

“Then let me fight for you. Let me take care of you, we’ll get you help, we’ll do this together. I’m with you every step of the way, I’ll hold your hand, I’ll hold you when you lose hope in everything. I’ll make sure you’re eating and getting fresh air; I’m not leaving your side”

“I can’t ask you to do that…I’m not – “

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. I want too, I want to help you, I want to see your beautiful and happy smile again, I want you here, I want you find happiness and to live out your dreams. You’re not asking me, you have no choice” Wanda pulled you back in for a hug, “everything is doing to be okay. Maybe not right now, maybe not for weeks or months but we will get through this” she adds. She felt you nod your head, “okay” was all you were able to say.

That night, Wanda had you watching her favourite sitcoms, even if your attention wasn’t truly on the television, she held you until you fell asleep and even then, she didn’t let you go. You’d wake up still in her tight hold as comfort washed over you and just for a moment, you felt completely at peace with your thoughts and hope once again started to build within you, maybe Wanda was right. Everything was going to be okay.

#wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff x reader #wandavision #the scarlet witch #marvel #the avengers #fanfiction

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skywalking-through-life · 8 months

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I JUST FINISHED COTG AND I AM BESIDE MYSELF. I HAVE DISSOLVED INTO A PILE OF HAPPY GOO. I HAVE WORK IN THE MORNING BUT I CANNOT SLEEP BECAUSE I AM SO OVERCOME WITH FEELINGS.

I just can't even describe the sheer joy I felt at hearing Percy's voice again, after all these years. In some moments, it was like I was a teenager again, reading along and cry-laughing at his sarcastic perspective on how utterly preposterous his life continues to be. (Nostalgia played a huge part in that of course, but it also just was genuinely refreshing.)

However in other moments. I was very aware of the fact that I'm an adult now, and that my life, like Percy's, has only gotten wilder and more exhausting as it has gone on. So it was honestly quite comforting to read Percy say that he still looks forward to living his life fully, despite all the bitterness and chaos and confusion and pain, because joy and love and friendship help to balance out those darker moments. I think that's become clear to both Percy and I as we've gotten older, so I really appreciate how much time Rick spent driving that point home. It's not something I would have valued as highly when I was younger, but time has deepened my appreciation of aging - another theme I adored.

And even though I just tried to calmly offer a few themes I found meaningful, I'm back to screaming, because I CANNOT BE NORMAL ABOUT THE PERCABETH. It was SHEER PERFECTION. It was THEM. Growing together, maturing together, figuring things out together. Being utterly BESOTTED with each other! Teasing each other! Finishing each other's thoughts! Embarrassing Grover! Using a couple of random pet names! Being so COMFORTABLE with each other! Half of Percy's thoughts being how much he loves her? His love for her literally saving his life MULTIPLE TIMES?! Their love destroys me, in every possible good way.

(It was the perfect inspiration for my next chapter of '[conduct] not unbecoming' - Annabeth sneaking in through Percy's bedroom window at 4AM and Percy knowing his mom wouldn't care if she caught the two of them in there together? Fic GOLD. 👀👀 I'm also honestly SO PLEASED that Percy's Senior Year (mis)Adventures have remained essentially canon! 🥳 There are 1-2 tiny, tiny changes I'm going to make so the series perfectly aligns, but I really think Rick and I were sharing a brain cell at a few key moments! 😂)

But finally, let me be real for a second:

I know not everyone is going to love it, for reasons that they have every right to expand on themselves, in as much detail and with as many feelings as they want. Go forth and vent, if that's what's fun for you! But that isn't fun for me, and I want to be pretty clear now that will not be hosting any discourse on my blog, because I no longer have the ability or motivation to engage patiently, kindly, and in good faith with those who do not seem able to offer that same courtesy to others. Once upon a time maybe, but I'm too old and tired for it now.

Tldr: I'm really excited to talk about Chalice of the Gods. ☺️ I can go on and on and on if you are also looking for someone to be excited with! 💙

#chalice of the gods #cotg spoilers #cotg #pjo cotg #percy jackson #pjo hoo toa #percabeth #pjo fic #percy's senior year (mis)adventures

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mrs-monaghan · 1 year

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Hello, you know i was actually just doing some thinking and i wonder why Tkkrs call Jkkrs delusional or Jokers. They are are so quick to call Jkkrs delusional when we are actually the only ones who have legitimate reason to suspect Jikook are more than friends.

. GCF’s: This was literally the thing that put Jikook ship on the map! B4 this not many pple saw Jikook as a thing! Many pple in the fandom actually thought Jk didn’t like Jimin. . Tokyo Trip: Jk didn’t only take Jimin to Japan for his birthday but also made a very beautiful video which Jimin wasn’t even aware of! He could have literally used any song but he chose to use “There 4 u” by Troye Sivan! And Jk paid for everything too for the trip! Also they were in a hotel room that had a glass separating the bathroom😏

.Jk only giving Jimin a gift .

.Members telling us Jk always goes to sleep in Jimin’s bed.

Watching the first snow together, matching clothes on Valentines day, Jk’s birthday messages/tweets to Jimin, Tae telling us on more than one occasion that Jk was with Jimin at ungodly hours of the night and Jk was stopping Jimin from coming to him(Tae). The only two members who happen to alway know each others hotel rooms even when the other members (including Tae) don’t know! Let’s not forget the fact that we all saw Jimin literally almost obsess over Jk, asking himself why he liked Jk so much!

.Rainy day story! Even the members teased about how romantic the story sounded (and again it seemed like the members were not even aware of this fight)

.MAMA 2018: That whole night was something else for Jikook! Even non shippers could see there was definitely something happening there! NOBODY looks at their bros/friend the way Jk looked at Jimin that night!

.Rosebowl: Till date, there is still huge debate on whether there was an earsuck moment or not, but either way, there was absolutely NOTHING platonic about that moment! Not the I Love u’s which they were clearly saying to each other, or the way Jk encompassed Jimin and gave him that little kiss on the side of his head! Whether u think there was an ear suck or not, that moment wasn’t platonic! Let’s not forget how Jimin only started crying when Jk started screaming "I Love You” without the “you guys”.

.Hickeygate: Now this is also another huge moment! Jk and Jm claimed it was a bite, but unless u are telling me Jm has some weird ass teeth, I don’t see how any of that looked like a bite mark! And if indeed it wasn’t a bite (as i suspect it wasn’t) do you know how long Jm’s lips would have had to be on Jk’s neck to leave that mark? So Jk just let Jm have his lips on his neck for that long and they are just bros?😒

Jk climbing a mountain and getting snow for Jm cuz he knows Jm loves snow! Now i know JK is super sweet to all his hyungs! I’ve seen him cook for Tae, cook for Hobi and he had done many sweet things for all his hyungs, but waking up, going to a mountain to get snow for someone cuz u know they love snow, now that is extra!

Making a huge pancake for JM cuz he had to do penalties! Let’s not also forget how they were always glued to each other in and outside of work and the staff even mentioned they had never seen them apart backstage! Let’s not forget the members asking them on more than one occasion if they are a couple, cuz they just kept doing couply things. Let’s not also forget how the members (especially Joon) act around them! RM is always on his feet when it comes to those two.

Them alway being with each other on important days! Eg, Valentines day, watching the first snow, Jimin flew from paris just to be with Jk for a few hours on his bday, JM was with Jk at 4am on his bday in 2020, JM doing his bday Live in Jk’s studio in 2021 and Jk getting him a cake with "you are my park filter" written on it, Jm going to see Jk on his bday in 2022, Jikook spotted together on white day 2022, Jikook being together on Chuseok, JM getting back to korea on valentines day 2018 and being spotted out with Jk and sungwon on feb 15 etc.

Jk going to Jimin’s room 3 times a day and at odd times like 1:50am, and let’s not forget that position we saw them in at Jhope’s JITB party last year, Jikook leaving PTD vegas last year together in the same car, after Jk slow danced with Tae and Sat on his laps at the concert (talk about fanservice)

Jk’s mom making seaweed soup for Jimin’s bday which Jk proudly told us about, Jimin saying what makes him happy is waking up and seeing Jk in the morning! Jikook sharing a car for the longest time! Let’s also not forget the fact that two of were are always there cheering and watchinv eo during their solo rehearsals! Also, the whole YOU ARE ME I AM YOU. Also, the fact that they are known as the Sun and moon duo and Jm has a moon tattoo and Jk has a sun tattoo🤔

Jk going Live for almost two hours to promote Jimin, something he has never done b4, let’s not forget how his eyes lit up everytime Jimin commented on his Lives! I could go on but I can’t remember everything!

So after all of these, why are Jikookers called delusional or Jokers when we have REAL reason to believe Jikook are more than friends? None of the things i’ ve listed above are theories! Everything is a fact! Things that have happened b4 our very eyes so we are we the delusional ones?

What do Taekookers have? Theories, eye contact, made up hangouts and hickeys, hangouts with friends, Jk calling V handsome, Jk and Tae breathing the same air, Jk and Tae standing close to eo, Jk and Tae knowing something about eo, lies lies lies and more lies! What REAL reason can they bring to show that they are not the delusional ones? Skinship, the same skinship that they do with everyone? I don’t get it! How are we the delusional ones when it’s been proven that Jk spends most of his nights with Jimin? If Taekook are a thing, when exactly do they have couple cuddle time when Jikook are almost always together at nights? Even now that we see alot of Jk and Tae hangouts, it is proven that they always go back to their own houses after hangouts! Even on white day when Taekook were both in Korea but Jimin was not, Jk went live for hours! So when exactly does he spend alone time with Tae? Cuz even when we see them, they are never alone! So why are Jkkrs the delusional ones? I don’t get it!

Now everyone is desperately trying to prove Jikook are not together or never were, or have broken up or ar distanced just because of lack of content and the fact that Tae and Jk have hungout a few times! How do their hangouts cancel Jikook? They hangout a few times with friends and go back to their respective homes, so how does that cancel Jikook? Jikook hangouts cancel Taekook because, why will Jk be together with JM at 4am on his bday instead if being with Tae? Why would Jk be spotted out on white day with Jm instead of Tae? Why are Jk and Jimin always together at night (all nighter friends) why does Jk go to Jimin’s room at 1:50 am to hangout when he should be cuddling his boyfriend Tae? Why is Jimin always trying to Kiss Tae’s boyfriend, we have never seen Tae try to do something like that with Jk, but we have seen Jimin try to kiss Jk several times! Why would he do that knowing that Jk and Tae are together? We have never seen Taekook do anything with eo they haven’t done with some other member at some point, but we have seen Jikook do alot to eo they haven’t done with anyone else! Jimin has never tried to kiss anyone else, Jk has never put his hand into anyone else’s shirt to touch their skin, Jk has never sucked anyone else’s ear, (atleast not the way he did it to Jimin) Jk has never been caught going into his hotel room with another member when they didn’t know there were cameras! Jk has never been caught standing in a dark corner with another member with hands touching and heads close together! Jk has looked at all members with heart eyes but he has never looked at any other member for the suspiciously long amounts of time he looks at Jimin sometimes, Jk has also never pretended to whisper to any other member just to touch faces ( and this didn’t happen just once)! So again i ask, why are Jikookers the delusional ones? When our moments do not need analysis cuz they are right there in your face or the members tell us themselves so why are we the Jokers?

The fact that the fandom is filled with so many Tkkrs will always baffle me! I mean if you are a tkkr because Tae and Jk are your biases and not because you ship them, i get that, but for all those die hard Tkkrs who continuously hate on Jimin, twist members words, call members liars, attack the company and call Jikook fanservice just to prove ur ship is real, I honestly don’t have words for you! Read this and tell me realistically who the delusional ones are!

Anon when u put it like that....

That's ALOT! And it's not even everything.

Its strange to me because atp it does seem like people ship tkk for the sake of it. U know what I mean? Like whats the point of fighting for something so hard without looking at all angles? All possibilities? Jimin is my fav i looked into all his ships. So if V is your fav look into all his ships too. Don't just decide- oh V is my bias so I wanna ship him and no one else. Fuck evidence, fuck logic, I'm doing this and I dont care. You go to YouTube and see what happens when u correct them. They say "who cares"

(And if u must ship V it would make more sense to do it with Jin. Not JK. Otherwise you will never stop complaining about it being one sided AND you will have content!)

So yes, they're the dillusional ones because they don't care. They just wanna ship for the sake of it.

What i wish is, if only they could stay in their lane and stop coming to our spaces. Just be dillusional over there. It would be so nice and lovely and peaceful and there would be no wars. Because jkkrs only fight with them because of the hate they give to Jimin and sometimes even JK. Coz they're insecure.

Anyway, I agree anon. Its a great question why we are the dillusional ones when we have mountains of evidence. Even this video by a none shipper gets it. Why is it that we have the most content?

youtube

Because Jikook are together all the damn time! If I were JK's partner I'd have serious issues with how much time he spends with Jimin. Fr fr

#jikook is real #the vermin #jikook #kookmin #minkook #bts #jimin and jungkook #park jimin #jeon jungkook #bts ask #ask shaz #Taekook is not real #the shade

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mappletree · 1 year

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Why the Love Triangle in Daisy Jones and the Six is a masterpiece.

Okay it’s like 4am right now and I am empty now that Daisy Jones and the Six is over, so I just had to share my thoughts about the bittersweet ending which leaves me frustrated but also euphoric. Let’s see how Daisy, Billy and Camilla all experience love :

Daisy and Billy

Daisy’s process of falling in love was the most raw and painful. Before her immediate connection with Billy, Daisy was a free spirit with no strings attached. Then Billy came and she felt what it was like to actually lose yourself in someone, and this someone shared her passion.

The free spirit side of her kind of forgot he was married, and she believed the connection she felt with him was undeniably shared by Billy. Billy on the other hand chose to hate her from the minute she said hi, simply to deepen down the immediate attraction he had to Daisy (a classic). When he said he kissed her to get her to sing, she believes him, and I don’t blame her: he’s the married one who can deny his feelings easily, she is vulnerable and enraged at how she let herself show her weak “in love” side. So she leaves.

Her husband Nicki is well aware she is still in love with Billy and hence pushes her to use drugs as it’s the only way he thinks he can possess her and she can be mad and “herself” outside of Billy. Daisy gets into it as a way to push away her feelings aside. This only gets Billy closer, as he becomes well aware that he’s the one causing this, and he becomes undeniably jealous. They’re further than ever, but also closer than ever as Daisy is well aware Billy knows that she is in this position because of him.

When she overdosed, of COURSE she knew it would be Billy, cause she knows he’s been watching her all this time. And that’s when she suddenly decides she’s just got to be hopeful again about the possibility of them.

They get closer than ever (literally physically they’re always 5cm apart it’s maddening the chemistry is melting me) and she finally gets the courage to be fully confident in expressing her emotions. She knows Billy knows that she loves him, but saying it out loud means she thinks it’s finally the right time. This is when Daisy is most healthy, cause she knows she’s getting better and just needs him to be with her so she can keep getting better. But he can’t, so she’s tempted to get back to a state of inebriation.

Billy finds comfort in alcohol when his wife leaves him, and Daisy finds him getting close to her but drunk, and it’s heartbreaking to see her realize he’s miserable at the idea of not being with his wife anymore. When he says “let’s be broken together” truly he doesn’t mean it, they made each other better, but he believes it’s the only way he can find comfort in his wife leaving him. However, upon hearing this, Daisy sees that Billy, even though he’s in love with her, has already chosen the woman who will light up his path. She wanted HIM to light up her path, not to be broken with her. She has Nickie for this. She is the right person at the wrong time. She tells him to go, and by this you see how Daisy’s love for Billy has made her stronger and healthier, and in the process she’s letting him go.

They could’ve been whole together, but Camilla’s love ultimately breaks them. Together, they couldn’t live with the burden of destroying the life of someone so good, which shows how fundamentally Daisy and Billy were the same. And that’s why, 20 years later when all ends sadly, they can find comfort in the fact that they did good, and they became good by supporting the person who got them together in the first place.

Camilla

Camilla’s love has changed but hasn’t changed at the same time. She has always been in love with Billy, and this love has been multiplied by the venue of her child, and she’s transferred a lot of the love she has for him in Julia.

Therefore, it’s impossible for her to let go of him in the sense that her love for him has taken the shape of their child, the life he gave her and their family.

She also sees Billy right through, she’s already forgiven him once for cheating on her when he was under substance use, and tried to believe he was also in some kind of “high” state when pursuing Daisy. However, near the ending, when he is unable to tell her that he doesn’t love Daisy, that’s when she leaves. She had warned him: “if you love her, that’s when this ends”.

I think Camilla could’ve lived without Billy, but his presence in her daughter’s life was what was most precious to her, and she was fighting for this. By telling Daisy and Billy they were good to each other, that’s when she truly gave up for a second in making things right. I think she knew they’d be unhappy, but she also knew they were unhappy because she was there. However, she gave them a choice, and Billy’s choice was ultimately the once that made her happiest. She deserved it, and when she asked Billy to call Daisy 20 years later; she kept doing good, and knew it was the right time and that this was how the three of them’s story had to end.

I’m crushed

#daisy jones icons #daisy jones and the six #daisy jones #thoughts #billy dunne #camila dunne #love #relationships #series #romance #love triangle #right person wrong time

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lopaak · 6 months

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In Stars and Time, Aion, Mirages and Thoughts

Launching a game you were awaiting for long is always weird to live ; you're in a special time frame, an Eon you're aware you'll only live once.

In the case of In Stars and Time, it's also partly because once your finish the game, once your fixation will be over, you know you'll look back a few days or weeks before and realize your life changed in such little time.

Eon, or Aion as I will be referring to, one of the three divinity of Time in ancient Greece, represents the Time of eras, cycles, where Past and Future cohabit like lines on a globe, both parallel and meeting at every pole.

While there is Kronos the linear, unstoppable Time, and Kairos the Time of the moment and opportunity you'll get once, Aion is a Time that takes from both of its siblings.

Aion only happens once, as a specific time frame, a frame constructed by the events within it. Yet it is also a Time you live through during which Kronos' linearity makes you suffer, inexorably, makes you love and appreciate things nearby, makes you fear the end.

Yet it is also a Time in which countless opportunities are presented to you, as Kairos' influence washes over every ounce of Time thrown by the Universe.

Another specificity of Aion is that it is the only of these 3 divinities that has an existence within space, not just Time. It was originally used for astronomical time, to measure the cycle of astronomical objects, of Stars.

So here I was, playing a game about loops, unavoidable cycles of repeating events, while myself being in an Aion, aware of the ephemeral aspect of my emotional playthrough.

So, what about In Stars and Time?

It was a great game, standing in that huge rift between imperfect game and perfect piece. So great actually that this small essay is, unlike my digression about Aion might suggest, about this game!

A professional reviewer making an article on the game might be more interesting and especially, better written than a silly 18yo tumblr user though. Read at your own risk. Spoilers ahead btw!

But, since I'm making this, let's start with the basics, I imagine? The art direction is really, really good. The design of the characters is both cute and distinctive, and the (mostly!) black & white aspect of the game fits the characters and the story really well! Some still art of the characters during the hangouts and at the end of the game brought tears to my 4am-completely-dry eyes.

As an rpg, ISAT does the job well for me. The traditional medieval rpg endgame place, the castle, in this game the 'House of Change', is where most of your gameplay will take place, in 3 different floors. Which starts in the beginning as a map to go up the floors to encounter the King later evolves into a labyrinthine experience as in act 3 and 4 you have to go back in rooms hinted at you by an NPC, by your helper-companion Loop, or by deduction, to get some items, go back to another floor, go to the spawn village, over and over again.

That is where my only negative criticism of the game stands ; Acts 3 and 4 felt sometimes too confusing, hard or complicated, finding the items to advance in the story almost felt more as a burden than a fun detective exploration game. The moments of fun in these were talking with your friends about the discoveries and then going back to the village to talk with Loop. And all that was inevitably done so by Siffrin dying or being frozen in time, which wasn't making all that job any more fun.

BUT! Because most criticisms need a 'BUT', that was also experiencing, what Siffrin, our main silly hat character, was living, and thousands of times less strongly. In this specific case, the slight frustration or annoyance i got by looping to certain floors to get books and all that fuss was completely justified, as the ending would make less sense without it, and Siffrin's development as a character would be pretty meaningless, because they would have went through way less.

Act 5, where Siffrin "slightly" loses it because of everything he went through in the previous acts, is only meaningful because while what we as players might have found annoying, he as a character suffered his heart and mind through it. Every time you decided to step on a banana peel to loop up in the House, Siffrin had to die and fake their feelings to their friends once more. Every time you found slightly annoying that you had to fight a specific enemy (Sadness) again, Siffrin was living it.

About fighting! I felt the battles as really fun, satisfying and never really getting boring? Some criticisms I've seen say that fighting Sadnesses is boring, either too easy or too hard, that it's not fun... But personally i really enjoyed it!

First because, the art of the Sadnesses is like. reallyanotherlevelofdope. I found each Sadness' design amazingly cool. Many of them have this silliness to them, whether in their pose or in their expression, yet they are all crying, and, as their name implies, anything they experience is nothing but sadness. At a point where sometimes, despite hurting them in the process, you almost feel like you're freeing them when defeating them.

And well, the moving patterned background art during the battle is super duper cool as well! As someone who loves patterns of any kind, i found all of them really cool looking. Each Sadness has a background different tied to them!

Secondly on why i liked the battles, this won't be a long point but : simply, the combat system is fun! The rock-paper-scissor aspect, the different Crafts, the jackpot mechanic, all that was pretty fun.

And thirdly, the MUSIC!!! The music playing during the battles is really good and makes them more fun. And that brings me to another point on why I love ISAT : the OST. Which is my next paragraph, how fortunate.

THE OST!!!! Composed by Studio Thumpy Puppy, the soundtrack of the game is stunning! stunningly good! The genre of music i listen to the most surely is videogame ost (I'm even listening to that rn), and the soundtracks of games is something I always pay great attention to and an aspect that really hammers the nail (or nails the hammer?) when it comes to me loving a game. Every track of this ost from the King theme down to the rock-paper-scissor tutorial kid tune is of genuine amazing quality. I can only recommend giving it a listen if you're not interested in the game, and supporting the composer on Bandcamp if you can! The ost is a great fit to the event currently happening in the game, and sometimes really feels as if you were in the place of Siffrin, reflecting their mental state. For example, during Act 5, when everything about the music takes a drastic change and becomes darker, fitting the game and Siffrin's current state.

Oh, did I mention Siffrin's feelings? Makes me realize I haven't talked much about our main character yet. Oh well! Here I go. And that is where I'm gonna spoil!!

Siffrin, the silly hat wizard (wizards are not real, urgh, i mean traveler) is who you play as in ISAT. Every moment you experience is from Siffrin's perspective. He's a traveler (uses he/they!) from another country, unknown even by him at the beginning of the game. Eventually as the game progresses, they realize the land they came from was a land north of the country in which ISAT takes place, Vauguard. That land disappeared years ago, and everyone sort of forgot about it. The characters know there was an island north of Vauguard, but forgot everything about it. Trying to read its language or saying its name out loud gives a headache, if you can even remember the name. A big chunk of the game is about remembrance, Siffrin wanting and trying to remember that name, as he himself forgot. Siffrin is a deeply introvert person, scared when people touch them yet touch starved, have a hard time talking about their feelings, and much more (I'll go into it more when I'll talk about the story and do the essay part of this post). Most aspects of their personality, the topics of depression and trauma he went/is going through, as well as him being asexual makes me relate a lot to him.

However Siffrin is far from being the only multilayered and complex character in ISAT.

AND!!!! Here is when I took a break from ISAT.

A few weeks ago, I started writing this essay and eventually took a break, heh. It gave me time to think more about this silly sad game :)

I wondered whether I should rewrite everything or continue where I left off, and if you're reading this, well it means I decided to continue!!! SO here I am, continuing this essay, however moving the direction a little. I'm easing back on the review aspect and going full-on essay. Let's gooo~ wowee

When there's a topic tough to talk about because of its complexity, I ask myself : why do I want to talk about it? It eases the process to reflect on why I'm doing what I'm doing. But for some topics there's another level of complexity, thanks to, oh well, the emotional attachment there is to it ; and one of these topics is ISAT.

In what lens should I analyze ISAT? Under what light? What zoom level on the microscope? What aperture size? What focus? And perhaps the most important question ; should I use anti flare and damaging equipment? Should my picture of In Stars and Time be burnt, as looking as Stars entails. I think I'm going to look straight into the Stars and let my pupils burn, let this text get consumed, because if this text were to exist in the grand scheme of ISAT, I imagine it would get consumed either way.

Let's think. I'm closing my eyes now. No spider on my neck, no croissant in sight. Thoughts merge with C418's beautiful composition on his album "Excursions".

On the horizon, a plethora of games, shows, movies or artists that will impact my life in more ways than I can imagine at this moment. On the ground, in the sand, In Stars and Time lies, an artifact in the photographic sense, and an Artifact in the sense that it will stay with me, like many did in the past, still impacting what I'm writing right now. I pick up the cartridge..or the..steam key(?), slowly blow off the sand and rise my hand to look at it under the scorching sun. It won't be an easy task. But it wasn't for the past Artifacts either.

So ; In Stars and Time is an incredibly hard object of analysis, both because of its nature and because of my attachment to it. That's for certain. Now, it's far from impossible and nothing's impossible anyways when you have all the time in the world. A lens that I feel necessary to use when analyzing In Stars and Time is the lens of the dispossession of one's identity. Siffrin is forcefully separated from what made them who they are now, forcefully separated from the impending victory and freedom.

Cultural dispossession is something that I can't say I relate myself but is something that had a definite impact on my family, something that I could witness in the eyes of a loved one back a few years ago, someone who was reminiscing their earlier memories as a way to survive in a brain getting used and fatigued. Memories that I could not all write down, as Time was getting close. One day, a bit over three years ago, these eyes closed and with that ended a flow of mental souvenirs.

ISAT made me think about that person a lot. It feels that throughout In Stars and Time, at least to me, grief was treated in a way that I've never seen before. Grief is everywhere, but subtly? It is just a car you see driving next to you during a trip on a long highway. You can't really read its license plate but, do you need to? Do you need to know where that car is from, in what country, what state was it bought? Do you need to know where it is going? No you don't. But sometimes you wish you could know. (Note ; writing this makes me think about this song)

I left all my luggage in the last station. I lost them. Moving on.

Grief is also present as a fear of something that might have already happened, in the character of Bonnie. They did not lose their sister but what if? What if it was too late? 'Siffrin, what if they could never go back because of you? Because of me?'

Siffrin witnessing Bonnie being murdered was one of the most terrifying experience while playing the game. I don't know if Sif can ever recover after that in the future, but my headcanon says so. Thinking about that event makes me ...sick.

Bonnie is, despite their age, one hell of a strong character, for many reasons. Because their final hit can be an absolute bop. Because they make super duper good snacks. Because they're here. They crawled to escape the curse, walked with no gear nor water for days before meeting the crew. All this time, they stayed strong. They kept advancing, in the hope of finding something, anything to help.

And they did. I can see them right now, in this desert, looking at this cartridge. The scorching sun is freezing cold, so I'll keep moving to heat myself at least a bit. I have to continue.

Difference is constructed.

Mirabelle is, in a lot of ways, the other main character. She created the party, she saves everyone's life, she beats the King. It's tough to be more 'main character' than this. At least it is by most fictional adventure standards. She's very unique anyways, but is it a weakness to be unique? Obviously not; except in the house of Change? Tough to say, but needless to say, she has a very dyptical (i made that word up, let's say, "dual") relationship with the House and with her fellow housemaidens. She loves being where she is, she loves her place in the House, she loves her beliefs. But she's scared whether she is the right person, because the reality is that she wasn't "chosen" by the Change God, because there are expectations she cannot (or is repulsed to) fulfill due to being on the aroace spectrum.

That is also something I related a lot with! And the message about religion and more specifically belief is really healthy. To believe is not necessarily to make compromises, it is also to believe in yourself, as apart of whichever deity, able to change, able to be who you are.

I think her fears are very relatable, to many people. To an inattentive eye, it could make her a pretty consensual character when it comes to her personality. A character that everyone can like, she's the nice one, all that. But that'd be falling for the trap she's in herself.

Mirabelle is way more complex than what she may look like, a sweet housemaiden who is nice and caring, here for others, who fits her name really well (to be fair, Mirabelle does suit her alot, but not just bc of the sweetness and all that). She has a strength other characters don't necessarily have ; a strength that is in-game represented by her shield ability and the fact that she deals the final blow to the King. But it's a strength that deeply, is tough to explain and that other people will likely do better than me. A strength tied to her belief in Change, tied to her care towards the people of Vauguard, but also tied to her believing in herself. She seem unsure of herself and, arguably she is in many situations, but when the moment is important she knows what to do and she's sure of that.

In the end of the day ; Mirabelle is aware that she doubts her strength, and knows that she can fight those doubts.

And, as I see in the distance a faraway light illuminating the sky, making day look like night, I understand that a shield, far, far away, is resonating for countries around. In another land that is mere mirages for me, they're celebrating.

I don't want this essay to look review-y too much so I won't go around analyzing Isabeau and Odile like I did previously with the others ; plus, patterns get quickly boring. Nah.

There is a ton to say about Isabeau and Odile though. However I've been thinking about how to express my feelings and essaying on them, and I can't find the words. Which granted I'm no journalist, no professional reviewer, but I feel like any inability to write about the things I love is a form of weakness for me. Just for me though, if, that makes sense, oh, well, okay,. If people read this and are interested in my thoughts about them, I'll definitely try my best to go in depth in another essay, specifically about the whole roaster ; Bonnie, Isabeau, Mirabelle, Odile and Sif! (and another one!) They're in alphabetical order! (not the essay).

I will try for now tho, to at least express a bit my feelings on them two. Isabeau is a beautifully written character. I really see his personality as a glimmer in the party. He's brave and strong, but so romantic and kind-hearted. Like Mirabelle, he may seem like a pretty consensual character that is a bit stereotypical ; the buff guy with a heart of moss. But! Like her, he is much much more complex than what meets the eye of someone casually glancing at a ISAT 100% No Commentary video by "theFullGameplayGuy" or some other name (made them up). (No hate towards these channels. They're lifesavers sometimes. Thanks thefullgameplayguy or any no commentary gameplay channel.)

Got distracted but, like the script of a film being created on set, I decided to not delete my distractions. Makes the essay more me!

Odile. Odile is a character that I found so very intriguing since I played ISAT's "prototype", Start again: A prologue. She talks less compared to the others, she's much older, mysteriously scientific and scientifically mysterious. She's lesbi- oh sorry that's a headcanon. . . Um, so, she's very intriguing, especially until her hangout event where you learn much more about her, her past, her life, what brought her here. She has a personality that is quite hard to get at first, but a really cool and sweet one. When I played the game and had to choose the wish in the first minutes, I actually chose the one with Odile! And the reason is exactly this intriguing personality, her mysterious veil of Craft and Science, and my interest for Ka Bue (the country she came from).

All these characters will stuck with me for a long, long time. While playing, I saw myself in each of them at least a bit. Few games made me feel represented with an array of different characters, all shaped in the small world they're coded in, yet near infinitely complex.

Now I know what you may be thinking. I'm not forgetting Loop!!! I actually thought a lot whether I should include them here and decided that I will include them in that other essay I'll make if it interests people, because they are a WHOLE other level of layers and as much as I love writing this, it's a very big piece I can't really tackle in the middle of an overall essay about the game.

In Stars and Time is one of these games. One of these art pieces that will have a lasting on my life. In the continuity of games such as Undertale/Deltarune, fnaf (yeaa it's a franchise), The Stanley Parable, Stardew Valley, Bad End Theater, Life is Strange, If Found, or more recently q.u.q and Stories Untold, and much much more ; this game will change my perception and apprehension of things, and will continue to influence me over the time, over all my future creative projects. (id recommend to check all the games i mentioned that you haven't heard of!!) It will follow me, for the better, in my creative process. So thank you Armor Game Studio, thank you Studio Thumpy Puppy, and thank you the creator, Insertdisc5!

So ; as I'm nearing the end of this, I wonder what it is. I called it an essay for a lack of better words, but I honestly don't know if I'm qualified to write something and call it an essay. And it's definitely not a review either. But it started as one, a bit! Though i don't want to make a review. So I don't really know! But oh well.

Also, remember the three Time in ancient Greece? I think a lot about its ties to the game, but again, that would be too long and especially, too hard for me to explain with words..?. Everything interconnects, everything meets everywhere, everything, on all ends and all thoughts. And ISAT is now part of a cobweb bigger than worlds, words and concepts. I might, tho, try to write about it, one day.

Call me lazy for not expanding on some topics but it's tough to produce allthat for my tiny brain!! I really want to go further but you know. Eh

As for me, I continue walking in the sand. In the erased steps of someone of more importance, I go forward toward the unknown with a new piece in the forever expanding puzzle of a life ; a piece called In Stars and Time.

#in stars and time #ISAT #essay?#thoughts about a game i really like :)#it's probably not really good but it's my first time

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strangerthingssteddiebrainrot · 1 year

Text

4am this time, let's go bbyyyyy!!!!!

Steve knew he wasn't in the best place right now. Mentally that is. But he wasn't at his all time lowest. That award probably goes to the summer Starcourt burned down, even if he got Robin out of it, funnily enough.

Ever since the wall opened and spat out a monster in the Byers living room, Steve felt like his ability to deal with shit was going steadily downhill. Especially since, in those early days, he didn't really have anyone to rely on. Nancy's parents (ie. Karen wheeler) actually gave a fuck about her children, so it's not like she could sneak over to his place and they could hold each other through the nightmares. After the tunnels, he got a little brother in the form of one sarcastic little brat named Dustin. But it's not like he was gonna burden literal children with his fears and paranoia, not when they were barely dealing with their own issues. Then he lost Nancy.

Finding Robin had been a godsend, really. Her parents didn't really like her sneaking out to spend the night with a boy, but given that they survived a traumatic event together, they were much more lenient. Her grandfather on her dad's side had been a vet, one of the lucky few who had a strong support system and passed on the importance of such things to his children. Steve had even spent some nights over at her place, her parents experienced how they comforted each other through screaming awake and panic attacks. And while they weren't 100% convinced that their love was pure platonic with a capital P, they gave the two of them a lot of leeway.

Still, Steve couldn't spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with someone nearby, no matter how he tried, so sometimes bad days fell on him when he was all alone. Those days Steve was lucky if he could pull himself out of bed, let alone tend to any of his bodily needs. So today, a day without work, or get togethers, or errands, Steve didn't crawl out of bed until nearly 2pm. He didn't bother showering, he took one yesterday, and he certainly didn't bother with his hair, the strands laying flat in his head in a tangled mess. But he did feel hungry which was a good sign. Not that he had an appetite or wanted to eat. But he could, which is always a step up from being so downtrodden that just the thought of food made him nauseous even as his stomach grumbled.

So Steve put a shirt on to go with his boxers, and headed to the kitchen. Luckily, thanks to Robin mostly, he had quick, easy meals he could make fast for days like this. So he pulled a box of frozen turkey meatballs (Robin claimed beef was bad for your health) out of the freezer and, after reading the instructions on the back, out then in the oven to bake. Meanwhile, he set a lot of water to boil, pulling out spaghetti noodles and a bottle of rose sauce as he waited.

Leaning back against the countertop, Steve let his mind wander, not really focusing on anything, just checking the water every now and then, which is how he almost missed the knock at the door. Shaking himself back to awareness, Steve thought he'd just been hearing things, but then whoever was there started ringing the doorbell incessantly. Annoyed, Steve grabbed a frying pan just to be safe, and went to answer the door.

"What the fuck?!" Steve growled out, frying pan hidden behind his body as he wrenched the front door open.

"And a good afternoon to you as well sunshine!" Standing on his porch, smiling at his annoyance, was none other than Eddie Munson.

Taken aback, Steve just stared at him for a minute, trying to remember if they had anything planned that he'd forgotten about. He didn't think so, if anything he was always hyper aware of the other man and meticulously kept track of any plans they'd make with each other.

"Well princess, gonna invite me into your castle or did I drive alllll the way out here for nothing?" Hands in his pockets, Eddie rocked on his heels. A nervous tell for when he thought he was misreading a situation and wasn't sure if it was okay or not.

"Yeah, sorry man. Just was wondering if I'd forgotten we had a hang out sesh or something." Stepping back, Steve made room for a now smiling Eddie to bounce into his house.

Like, literally bounce, like the world's most metal bunny. It brought a smile to Steve's face, surprising since usually nothing really seemed funny on days like today. That was Eddie to a T though, wasn't it? Eddie was full of surprises and Steve hoped he would always be around so he could continue to be surprised by him.

"Nah, you're cool man. Wayne's on days this week so I was all by my lonesome. Figured if all the kids and Robin were busy, then you'd be alone too. So I thought we could be alone together." Suddenly tipping his head back, Eddie took big exaggerated sniffs. "Speaking of, you cooking? Something smells good."

Walking into the kitchen, Steve noted that the water was now boiling, so he made his way to the stove, dropping the frying pan on the counter.

"Uhhhh..." Eddie trailed off, looking at the frying pan.

Taking out the noodles, Steve addressed Eddie as he placed them in the water. "I wasn't expecting anyone today, figured better safe than sorry."

"Fair." Levering himself up, Eddie plopped himself onto the countertop, leaning back against the cupboards. "You okay Stevie? You seem kinda...down?"

After checking the meatballs and flipping them over, Steve placed his hands on the counter and leaned his weight on them as he contemplated what to say. Eddie seemed to realise this as well since he stayed silent, just looking at Steve with that little furrow between his brows that meant he was concerned.

Taking a deep breath, Steve turned to face Eddie, keeping an eye on the noodles from the corner of his eye.

"I, uh, could be better. But I've also been worse. I've had days where I couldn't eat before, so the fact that I'm cooking today is a good sign."

"Oh, shit man, that sucks. I'm really glad I came over then. You guys are pretty on top of making sure I'm okay, it's nice to return the favour." Kicking his legs back and forth, Eddie leaned forward and gave Steve a small, almost bashful smile.

"So your idea of being there for me is to come over and bum my food Munson. Good to know." Returning the smile, Steve made sure to pay Eddie on the leg, letting him know he was just joking.

Turning away he bent over to grab a strainer from a drawer, figuring the noodles and meatballs would be almost done by now.

"Hey, sharing a meal is a bonding activity. What're you making anyway?" Eddie asked, leaning forward as Steve strained the pasta, leaving it to cool for a moment as he bent over to take out the meatballs.

From this angle, Steve could see from the corner of his eye as Eddie used his angle to check out his ass.

Now they've been flirting for a little while. Or at least, Robin assured him they'd been, and all the kids kept asking him to make a move since they can't stand Eddie's 'pining'. Even Uncle Wayne and his band had given Steve a talk, warning him not to hurt Eddie. Combine that with Steve's lowered filter whenever he was in one of these moods, and Steve felt he could not be responsible for the next words out of his mouth.

"Enjoying the view Munson?" Steve asked, sticking his ass out even more as he practically presented himself just trying to take out the damn meatballs.

Eyes shooting back up, Eddie froze in place. His eyes were a little wide and his face was closing off, a barrier coming up to conceal the panic Steve could see building up.

"Shit." Steve muttered to himself, quickly he pulled out the meatballs, depositing them on the stovetop before moving over to Eddie.

He reached up to take Eddie's face in his hands, then realised he was still wearing his oven mitts. Groaning in annoyance, he bit the top of one, pulling it off while removing the other with his now free hand, then threw them over his shoulder, not caring where they landed. His fumbling at least got Eddie to smile tentatively at him.

Hands now free, he cupped Eddie's face in his hands. He soothingly rubbed his thumbs face and forth across smooth skin and leaned in so their foreheads touched.

"Hey, I'm sorry Ed's. I didn't mean to make you upset. I just, I like you, and I thought you liked me too but if that's not the case it's okay, I won't as-"

"You like me?" Finally looking at him again, Eddie raised his hands and brought them to rest over Steve's on his face.

"Yeah. Yeah Eddie, I really like you."

Moving slowly, giving him enough time to pull away if he wanted to, Eddie moved their faces closer until he could place a soft, sweet kiss against his lips.

"Well that's good. Cause I'm kinda gone on you Harrington." Eddie moved his hands to instead tangle into Steve's hair, pulling him in for more shallow kisses, neither of them feeling up for escalating the moment.

Finally they pulled away, foreheads still pressed together, and they just breathed each other in. Later would be the time for conversations, but for now, Steve just pulled away with a final kiss so he could continue making the pasta.

Eddie hopped off the counter and wrapped his arms around Steve from behind as he went through the motions of combining the pasta, meatballs and sauce. They only separated when Steve moved to get plates from the cupboard and served out two, very sad portions of pasta. No garlic bread, no salad, no side of any kind. Even Eddie, who had eaten very questionable food cause he and Wayne couldn't afford to waste anything, looked less than impressed.

"You weren't kidding Stevie. This is sad." Eddie said, even as he speared a meatball and scooped up some noodles for a first bite. "But it's not bad." Was the conclusion.

"Yeah, I know. This is what Robin and I call depression meal number six." Steve replied, chuckling lightly as he dug in as well, grimacing at the bland taste.

Eddie looked at him for a moment, then smiled and said. "My number one is mac and cheese."

They smiled at each other, this kind of thing wasn't unusual with their group after all. Steve knew Robin's go-to's, and Dustin's and now Eddie's.

Then Eddie got a mischievous look on his face. "Would you say this is, depre-sghetti?"

It took Steve a solid minute to translate that sentence in his head. But when he realised what it was, he didn't even try to stop the bitchy look that came over his face. It didn't help that Eddie was biting his lower lip, brows scrunched together when he was trying to hold back laughter.

"Get the fuck out of my house." Steve deadpanned, and that broke Eddie.

He laughed so hard he bent double, quickly putting his plate on the counter so he could slap his own thighs. It made Steve smile, seeing Eddie so happy. But he had a reputation to maintain, so he took his sad, sad meal, and went to sit in the living room, turning on the tv.

Eddie eventually joined him, still giggling when he saw the blank look on Steve's face. For the rest of the evening, they sat thigh to thigh, chatting and watching whatever was on as background noise. And when the sun set and Steve yawned, still heavy with the sadness that burdened this whole day, Eddie made sure he brushed his teeth and washed his face, then tucked him in and held him all night.

It was one of the best bad days he'd had in a while. And it was only the first of many.

@steddieassheg0es @oakenorcrist

#steve harrington #steddie #eddie munson #my writing #this was inspired by my friend calling my depression spaghetti depre-sghetti #i told her to fuck off lol

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astrowaffles · 2 years

Note

Ushiten 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30

STRAIGHT TO THE POINT HUH 😭

right, this is probably gonna be the longest post I ever make on this site, let's do it

1. Who is the most affectionate?

Well, it depends what "affectionate" means in this context, but probably Tendou. I've seen that man, he's basically a Wakatoshi cheer squad even when he's one of the best players in the prefecture himself 😭

2. Big spoon / little spoon?

I think most often tendou big spoon and Ushijima little spoon, I can see Ushijima rly wanting all the affection and tendou's rly happy to give it :)

3. Most common argument?

Who's sending the next care package. They live on different continents and they LOVE sending each other stuff but they can never remember who was meant to do what. Also, what time the facetime call was scheduled at. Time zones, my dude.

4. Favourite non-sexual activity?

They are 100% a picnic, flower picking, and orchard visiting couple. They do it whenever they can, just go find a random plant and yank it around until they have what they want, whether it's because it's pretty or because it's a good ingredient. It's good bonding.

5. Who is most likely to carry the other?

There is no way Tendou's bony chocolate-making ass can still get anywhere near lifting professional athlete Ushijima, but he probably could do it when they were both teenagers, though only to shock Ushi :'). Nowadays, it's obviously Ushijima who does the lifting, plus doesn't Tendou just seem like the kind of guy who demands piggy backs???

6. What is their favourite feature of their partner's?

Eyes. See my first OTP ask :D

7. What's the first thing that changes when they realise they have feelings for each other?

Ushijima prolly starts talking about Tendou. A lot (by Ushi standards). To everyone who stands still for long enough. I can just imagine it.... Anyways, yeah, I think Ushijima would be a lot more obvious, affectionate, and would suddenly compliment Tendou's blocking out of nowhere T-T

8. Nicknames? & If so, where did they originate?

Tendou calls him ushy gushy because he thinks it's funny, and Ushijima just rolls with it 😂

9. Who worries the most?

Tendou, hands down. Ushijima has no worries, he goes with the flow. Tendou stresses about pretty much everything to some degree, and sometimes he can even infect the worry into Ushijima so they're both worrying about it 💀💀

10. Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

They prolly both do this, but it seems like an Ushijima thing. He probably has a corner of his brain with "tendou" written across it and decorated with those awful little adhesive gems that get EVERYWHERE as soon as you start using them, and in that corner he keeps everything that tendou ever said or did in case it comes up again some day

11. Who tops?

At this point leave me alone, I don't wanna think abt that!!! Although logistically, Ushijima, right?

12. Who initiates kisses?

100% Tendou, but Ushijima does this thing where he taps his lips to signal he wants a kiss, and tendou RUNS over

13. Who reaches for the other's hand first?

Ushijima. Next question

14. Who kisses the hardest?

Depends on the context? It's whoever's *not* about to get in the plane, any other context I have no clue (is this what y'all think about?!)

15. Who wakes up first?

Ushijima. He's a famer, those knuckleheads are up at 4am on a lazy day

16. Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

Tendou, but tbh chocolatiers are up pretty early so he knows he can’t. Life is pain.

17. Who says I love you first?

Ushijima. He seems like the type to just say it at some random time because it’s what he was thinking about. Although, is he aware enough of the feeling to know it’s love? If not, then obviously Tendou.

18. Who leaves little notes in the other one’s lunch?

Tendou, though it’s usually just an encouragement like ‘work hard today’. Sometime he’ll put in a pun just to annoy Ushijima.

19. Who tells their family/friends about the relationship first?

This one is hard because I don’t know anything about Tendou’s family, Ushijima’s is a bit of a mess, and they share the same friendgroup. I think Tendou would probably get excited and talk about it with all the friends though, so I’ll say Tendou.

20. What do their family/friends think of the relationship?

I’d love to put something like ‘about time’ but in reality it’s more like ‘really? him?’ from both sides

21. Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

Tendou. Man’s French, leave him alone

22. Who cooks more/is better at cooking?

Tendou is the baker and Ushijima is the cook. If they try to leave their assigned skills, the kitchen will be a bit burnt by the end of it.

23. Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Tendou, and Ushijima probably doesn’t understand them, so it’s more a crowd-pleaser thing to prove that yes, they are actually dating, thank you, Semi.

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during innappropriate times?

...Tendou? Probably him, and it’s probably not anything too racy, it’s just jokes about the couple they’re having lunch with.

25. Who needs more assurance?

Probably Tendou. Ushijima has fans all over the world who thirst over him constantly on twitter dot com, so Tendou probably gets pretty insecure over the relationship. I don’t think Ushijima truly understands it since cheating literally never crosses his mind, it’s physically impossible, but he gives the assurance when he sees it’s needed.

26. What would be their theme song?

Ugh, I don’t even know, I don’t have an ushiten playlist so if I make one, I’ll edit this post and add it in T-T.

27. Who would sing their child back to sleep?

Does Ushijima even know that’s a thing that’s done? So yeah, Tendou. But I do know Ushijima would be the BEST father, he’d take his child out in fields and teach them loads of cool stuff,and tell stories about fairies....

28. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

They’re probably on the phone 24/7. The Adlers are probably in the habit of going ‘hi Ushijima, hi tendou’ because they KNOW Tendou can hear them. Semi calls Tendou and puts him on speakerphone in the crowd during volleyball games so Tendou can yell along with the crowd while he watches from France.

29. One headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

it’s not a headcanon, it’s true, but they’re the only people that seem to show the other one any kind of acceptance. Both of them have been outcasts their whole life and continue to be so, in a way, when they leave highschool and live apart. I realise that the relationship itself isn’t sad, but both of them are sad by themselves so I don’t need to make it worse :’(

30. One headcanon about this OTP that mends it

THEY LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE HOUSE AND TENDOU RUNS HIS BUSINESS FROM THERE AND THEY HAVE A KID CALLED MEGUMI WITH RED HAIR AND USHIJIMA’S EYES AND THEY PAINTED THE NURSERY TOGETHER AND TENDOU THREW PAINT ALL OVER USHIJIMA AND USHIJIMA LAUGHED AND NOW MEGUMI LIVES THERE AND THEY READ BOOKS TOGETHER EVERY NIGHT AND THEY PLAY VOLLEYBALL AFTER SCHOOL AND THEY HAVE AN APPLE TREE IN THE GARDEN

#ushiten #ushijima wakatoshi #astro's asks #tendou satori #THANKS FOR THE ASK

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giftofwonder · 2 years

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Psychosis - Part 4 (Dabi/Bakugou/Hawks x f!Reader)

A/N: Sorry this is coming a bit later than I’d have liked. I’m hoping going forward to post a new update every week/two weeks. As always, I hope you enjoy! Feedback is always welcome and if you’d like to be added to the tag list just let me know.

Tag List: @sylum @iiashleysykes @bebetiny @valentinesnightmares1

You didn’t return home that night, your task list too backed up. You worked late into the evening, eventually making your way to the cots on Level 2 to rest. As you laid there, your thoughts turned to Dabi.

You could still see him as he was years ago, a troubled young man who felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. He had come in on suicide watch a handful of times. While the details were fuzzy, you remembered him telling you he just needed to get away and be somewhere he could feel safe. His home life had been difficult, and he’d gotten into petty crimes and drug use to cope.

He came in fairly often, not overly frequent, but it was more than an average patient. You remembered your repertoire with him, you had done your best to try and keep it lighthearted and fun. He had seemed so melancholy, so disturbed. You hadn’t had the skill set at that time to ease those feelings for him, so you had done your best to at least make the time he had with you enjoyable. You knew he had wanted to escape from his life, even if just for a moment.

The image of him now pulled to the front of your mind, the air around him felt different in a way you couldn’t quite explain. He had been through something unimaginable, of that you were sure. The scars that covered his body were proof of it, and you couldn’t even begin to fathom the pain he must have had to endure. He was still as charming as ever, and you were glad he had held on to that.

However, you felt a deep concern gnawing at you. Your reaction to him was unsettling, in your profession even something small was enough to raise a red flag. You were being trusted to take care of him, advise him and try to help him overcome his past demons. While you were aware that what you felt was impulse more than anything, it still made you uncomfortable. You knew it was not a major issue at this point, but you’d have to be observant of yourself and if your feelings ever wavered, he would have to be released from your care.

You often wished you had someone to talk things through with when your mind became a plague. You weren’t close with your parents, the relationship had been strained when you had told them you would be leaving for school. They had wanted you to graduate and then work in the diner that they owned with the eventual hope that you would one day take over the business. When they realized that wasn’t your plan, they had cut you off and kicked you out.

After that, you couch hopped for a while, even living in your old beat up car for a few months. You had done whatever you could to make sure you would be able to put yourself through school and create the life you wanted. However, between university, your internships and working you had less and less time. Your friendships faded out, and while you got on well with coworkers, they never became very close. There were only a handful you stayed in contact with, but it was a casual catch up conversation or a lunch date type of friendship, not a call at 4am to go over your anxieties in life.

Relationships felt even more impossible, they took time that you rarely had. Even worse, the few times you had been on dates you would find yourself psychoanalyzing them. It was like you couldn’t turn it off, and while most of them never noticed, once you started viewing them as a patient, it felt too invasive to keep seeing them.

You would ask questions and people would open up, and then you’d feel guilty for somehow manipulating them into being comfortable with you, and so you would walk away before it ever got too deep. Maybe you weren’t cut out for romance, but you couldn’t deny that you were incredibly lonely. It was something you’d probably never admit out loud, but it left a noticeable void in you that you hoped one day you would learn how to fill.

You sighed, the overly starched sheets feeling rough against your skin. You rolled over, tossing and turning to try and find some semblance of comfort in the too firm bed. You focused on the sound of the air conditioning unit, it’s dull hum reverberating around the room until your tired eyes finally fell shut.

————————————

You woke early to a phone call from Aizawa, asking if you could come in a little bit sooner to help maintain the patients schedules as Level Three’s nurse, Jirou, was out for the day.

You groggily climbed out of bed, washing up quickly before trudging over to the elevator.

As you entered the main lobby you saw Bakugou over at the desk getting his supplies in order.

“Good morning.” You greeted with a yawn, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. He glanced toward you before giving you a curt nod.

“Morning.” He said back, returning to the task before him.

You picked up the form to his side, it was a schedule of Jirou’s daily tasks. The ones involving patients had been highlighted and had time frames listed for each.

Aizawa had briefly told you about Jirou before. She had the most experience in nursing, aside from Recovery Girl, who she was currently shadowing. In the event that Recovery Girl should ever leave or retire, Jirou would then take over as the head nurse for the asylum.

While she often worked in the background, her role helped the patients tremendously to stick to daily schedules and keep on track of their day to day needs. She would get them out of bed at 7am each morning, make sure all of their needed medications were ordered and ready for when you and Bakugou arrived, and she had also been in charge of scheduling the floor activities.

You had been informed that some of these duties would transfer to you when you got more comfortable, lightening up Jirou’s load. She had mainly been covering, taking on extra work to help Bakugou and keep the floor running smoothly while they had tried to get your position filled.

“You ready?” Bakugou asked, handing you a freshly printed paper with your individual schedule for the day on it.

“Yeah, let’s get started.” You smiled.

————————————

The first thing on your list was giving the patients their wake up call. Bakugou had taken Shigaraki and Toga, assuring you he would be able to handle both of them and get them up and going faster without you there.

You walked over to an unfamiliar door, unlocking it and stepping inside, finding yourself more than a little surprised. While the other patients had very little within their rooms, this one felt homey and seemed a lot closer to the ones on the levels below.

The walls were still white, but they were covered in posters. There was a small TV on a side table in the far corner of the room, a radio propped on a bookshelf that was lined with trinkets and novels.

You saw the man, already awake and sitting on his bed, eyes looking at you in question.

“Good morning, Jin. I’m the new psychiatrist on this floor, I don’t believe we’ve gotten the chance to meet yet. My name is y/n.” You said, greeting him warmly. He smiled in response, pushing himself to stand and extending his hand. You shook it firmly.

“Hey! It’s nice to meet you.” He said casually. His blond hair was short, but stood up wildly. Light stubble covered his chin, and a deep scar ran down the center of his forehead.

“If you want to get dressed, I’ll be back in just a moment to take you down to the courtyard.” You said, and he gave a nod, walking over to his dresser and pulling out a fresh change of clothes.

You left the room, locking up and heading over to your second patient. As you pushed open the door, you spotted him buried in a mass of tangled sheets. You walked over to the bed, lightly placing a hand on heated, sweaty skin and gave him a gentle shake.

His eyes cracked open as he groaned, slowly pushing himself to sit.

“Good morning, you ready to get up?” You asked, voice soft.

“No, but I guess I don’t have another option.” He laughed sleepily. He roughly rubbed his face before kicking his legs to the side and planting his feet firmly against the cold tile below.

He sat there for a moment before pushing himself to stand, jerking as he muttered a faint “shit”.

You grabbed his arm and saw the fabric of his shirt caught on the edge of a staple. Careful hands grasped it and removed the material. Once you were done you took a step back and he inspected his arm before nodding in thanks.

“So, what’s the plan for the day, Doc?” He asked, a tired grin on his face.

“I’ll be taking you and another patient down to the courtyard to get some air, then when you guys are back up, I’ll bring some breakfast around to you.” You said.

“Which patient? If it’s the little psycho I’ll pass. I’d rather just stay here.” He asked, a scowl covering his features.

“It’s Jin Bubaigawara.” You said nervously.

“Oh, Jin? Yeah that’s fine.” He said, pulling out a new shirt from the dresser beside his bed. He quickly flung off the one he’d been wearing, no doubt damp from sweat, and pulled on the new one. It was the same standard white tee, but he had taken the liberty of removing the sleeves so that it fit more like a tank.

He turned his back to you and allowed you to restrain him, before being led back to collect Jin.

Once you had both men, you guided them to the elevator and through the back hall in Level One to the courtyard for their scheduled outdoor time. They chatted amongst themselves as they stepped over to a wooden bench in the smoking area. As neither had heavy violence restrictions, you removed their cuffs and moved over to sit off to the side at a neighboring table.

You watched as Jin pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Dabi, which he gladly accepted. They continued talking and you were glad to hear the small laughs as they joked around. For a moment they just looked like two friends, the rest of the situation disappearing as they sat and smoked together. You thought maybe it could be a strong aid for Dabi, having that sense of normalcy.

He had mentioned his lack of it before, and now seeing his content state with your own eyes, you knew that could be a large component to his recovery.

You relaxed into your seat as the cold morning light bathed your skin. The air was crisp as you inhaled deeply, and it made you feel refreshed and alert. You sat there for a while longer until your watch went off, letting you know it was time to head back inside.

“Alright guys, ready to go back in?” You asked walking over to their table.

“Aw come on, just a few more minutes! GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.” Jin said, his abrupt change in tone alarming you for a second. Dabi laughed as he saw you tense, and Jin apologized, saying it was getting better but still hard for him to control. His personalities often were not in agreement and it caused him to sometimes quickly lash out.

“Oh, no you’re fine! Sorry it just startled me was all.” You explained with a laugh.

Jin was the first to stand, allowing you to restrain him once more. While you were adjusting the locks, you felt Dabi’s hand ghost along your back, fingertips trailing up your spine as he stepped forward beside Jin and placed his arms behind himself.

You eyed him, his head turning to glance over his shoulder at you as you stepped behind him to put his cuffs back on. He gave you a wink and you shook your head, a small exhale of laughter leaving you, glad to see his spirits were still high after his interaction with Jin.

————————————

“Wait up!” A voice called out behind you. You turned and saw Mirio jogging over, wearing a bright smile.

“Hey, I saw that Ochako just got in for the day. I figured I’d take the guys back up for you and get them something to eat so that you can get with her on setting up your office.” Mirio beamed.

“Oh, alright, thank you!” You smiled, glancing back to the two men behind you. Jin seemed unfazed, but Dabi’s deep set frown was hard to miss. You gave him a sheepish grin, knowing the pair has friction, but he sighed and told you he’d see you around.

With that, you left the group and headed to the receptionist’s desk to find Ochako. She greeted you warmly, pulling up a chair beside hers and getting a few websites opened up. You went through the basic supplies and got your orders put in before she moved onto the rooms decor aspect.

“So, what are we thinking?” She asked.

“I’d really like for the room to feel comfortable and calming. I don’t want it to feel too corporate, I think that makes it hard to relax.” You said. She nodded, thinking for a moment before pulling up a few different items.

“Alright, here are some of the approved furniture options. We get these from a local supplier, so they usually get here within the week. If you don’t like any of these, I’ve got some other suppliers but their products can take some time to arrive, so we usually discourage them.” She informed you.

You glanced through the website, finding the pieces you liked and adding them to the cart. Ochako informed you that the painters would be there in the next few days as well, and gave you a sample book of colors if you wanted to have them do your office.

“For anything else, usually it would be provided by you. There are reimbursement forms on the wall outside of the directors room, it has a list of what qualifies so make sure to grab one of those. We also have a yearly budget that is offered, it can help to get some more personalized things. I think it kicks in at the beginning of the year, and you can use it to replace items or just get a larger inventory depending on what you need. It isn’t much though, I think usually they recommend you try to save a good amount of it just incase something comes up throughout the year.” She explained and you nodded, thanking her.

“So, how are you liking it so far?” She asked.

“It’s going pretty good! I think I’m starting to get the hang of things around here. All of the staff seems nice, and I’m getting to know the patients a bit more now which im excited about.” You smiled.

“That’s awesome! I’m glad you’re getting settled in. Have you had breakfast yet?” She asked, and you shook your head. Since you’d got called in early, you hadn’t had the chance to grab anything to eat.

“Here, when I picked up breakfast this morning I didn’t realize they gave me an extra sandwich. Help yourself!” She hummed, holding it out to you.

The both of you ate and chatted casually, and you were thankful to a fairly easy start to your day. At one point, Izuku had popped into the office and gave a quick hello before returning back to work. You took in Ochako’s meek smile and quiet composure.

“You’ve met him, right? Izuku, that is.” She asked you, a faint dusting of pink spreading across her cheeks.

“Yeah, he showed me around my first day. We haven’t talked too much, but he seems nice.” You answered.

“He is, and I’m glad for that. He and I are pretty close, I care about him a lot. If anything ever gets out of hand up there, please check on him. His heart is bigger than his mind sometimes, and he ends up getting in over his head.” She said with a small smile, a sad glint in her eyes.

You nodded thoughtfully, agreeing to her request, before excusing yourself to finally make your way back upstairs.

_______________

You entered Level Three and found Bakugou leaning against the counter, talking to someone just out of sight. As you walked up, the redhead stepped into view, eagerly extending his hand with a sharp smile.

“Hey! There you are, I was wondering when I’d get to meet the new girl!” He laughed.

“I’m Kirishima, I lead the asylums fitness program.” He introduced himself warmly.

“Oh it’s nice to meet you!” You said, looking between him and Bakugou. Their energy was a stark contrast, Kirishima radiating a bright and vibrant feeling while Bakugou’s was much more repressed annoyance.

“Are we going to be having a fitness day?” You inquired, looking between the men.

“We sure are! Nothing helps the mind like getting the body moving. I’ve got you guys down for a session this week out in the courtyard. I’ll be leading it, but I do ask that some staff participates alongside the patients. Level Three is usually my most difficult group, they don’t like to be involved and would rather watch me work up a sweat. I’m hoping if some of you get into it, maybe it’ll give them a boost and we can get everybody joined in!” Kirishima explained excitedly while Bakugou muttered curses behind him.

“Sure, count me in. Whatever I can do to help.” You smiled.

“Great! I’ll get it scheduled in the system this afternoon. Just make sure to check it and remember to bring a change of clothes and a water bottle that day.” He said.

“Oh, by the way, are you going to that party?” Kirishima said suddenly, turning back to face Bakugou.

“What do you think, shitty hair?” Bakugou growled, rolling his eyes as he spoke.

“Aw come on, man. It’ll be fun!” Kirishima urged.

“What party?” You asked and the two glanced over at you. Kirishima faced you excitedly.

“A Halloween party over at Momo’s house! She’s one of the nurses here and every year she throws a big party for the staff. You should come too! It’d be a great chance to get to know everyone.” Kirishima explained.

“It’s a waste of time. Those idiots just show up to get shit faced.” Bakugou cut in.

“Don’t listen to him, it’ll be fun. I promise.” Kirishima grinned, waving Bakugou off.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to stop by, I’m not much of a party-person though.” You laughed.

“That’s alright, Bakugou isn’t either so I’m sure he can keep you company while you’re there, too.” Kirishima said.

“I already told you I’m not going.” Bakugou chided.

“You say that every year.” Kirishima shrugged.

“Yeah, and then somehow you dunces end up dragging me along. Ain’t happening this year.” Bakugou growled, crossing his arms as he scowled.

“It wouldn’t be very manly to leave Y/N all by herself, though. If she goes, you should too so she isn’t uncomfortable. Plus, if she’s only stopping by, maybe that’s your ticket to leaving early.” Kirishima beamed.

“I can go by myself, it really isn’t an issue guys. You don’t have to worry about me.” You laughed, trying to diffuse the situation.

“See, she’s fine.” Bakugou said with a shrug before turning to get back to work.

“Yeah, you’re right. Plus that’ll give Sero and Denki the chance to get to know her better without you lingering.” Kirishima said with a mischievous grin. Bakugou paused in his step before sighing angrily.

“Damn it. Fine, I’ll go but I’m not sitting around at that shitty party all night again.” He spat and Kirishima draped his arm around your shoulder with a victorious smile.

“Alright, that’s what I like to hear! Guess that’s my cue to get out of here, before Baku-bro changes his mind. Oh, and don’t forget, fitness day, be ready.” He called at you both before jogging off, throwing a small wave at you as he entered the stairwell.

“I don’t even know why I’m friends with those idiots.” Bakugou grumbled to himself, and all you could do was listen to his ranting with a laugh.

“Come on, we’ve got to get back to work.” He said.

________________

You came into work the next day feeling refreshed. It was the first night in a while that you had been able to relax and get a good nights sleep, which was both needed and appreciated. As you entered Level Three, you zero’d in on Aizawa immediately. He stood by himself in the lobby, cup of coffee and clipboard in hand.

“Good morning.” You greeted, a skip in your step as you walked over to him. He nodded at you, offering a polite smile.

“Alright, I hope you are ready to get started.” Aizawa said, turning his attention to you.

“Sure, what would you like for me to do?” You asked.

“I’ll be conducting a group session this morning with a few of the patients. I’d like you to sit in. It will give you some valuable insight, as well as hopefully introduce you more formally to those who are not as familiar with you.” He explained, beginning to walk to the community room.

“Please, take a seat. Bakugou is collecting everyone now. I’m going to help him finish up and will be back in just a moment.” Aizawa instructed before walking off, leaving you to take a seat in one of the chairs around the room.

You felt your nerves flair, anxious at the thought of everyone being in the same room. While you knew the patients would probably enjoy getting quality time with each

other, seeing as they were primarily in isolation, the idea still did worry you. They were unpredictable and impulsive, and even something as simple as a group session could potentially be dangerous.

Aizawa was the first to return, Toga restrained and muzzled. You flinched as she made eye contact with you, the bite mark on your arm burning at the remembrance of her teeth digging into your flesh. She immediately tried to run toward you, but Aizawa held tightly to her arm, redirecting her to sit beside him.

You noticed his slight nod, and internally you thanked him for his action.

Next to enter were Bakugou, Jin and Dabi. Jin’s steps were light and he wore a broad smile on his face as he leisurely took a seat. Dabi had eyes on you and was quick to break away from the group, taking the seat right beside you.

Bakugou watched him, a deep set scowl on his face, but he made no comment as he left the room to head back toward the lobby.

“Alright everyone, first I’d like to turn your attention to our newest resident, Y/N. While I am sure you all have met her since her arrival, I would like for this meeting to be a good point of introduction where she can familiarize herself more with you.” Aizawa said, eyes glancing between patients.

“I’d also like to announce a bit of news regarding Jin. He is being released from Level Three and will continue his session going forward on Level Two. I know you both have developed a good relationship with him during your time here. I hope you can see his progress and offer him a sincere congratulations. Please use this time to say goodbyes and speak freely, I know it may be a difficult transition, but it is not the end. Our deepest wish at Yuuie is for you both to join him in moving down the levels.” He finished.

The room was silent, save for a small hum from Jin. You could sense the tension in the atmosphere, the unspoken hostility. Normally, one would feel joyful that a friend was getting better, that they were able to move on to a new path for themselves, but Toga and Dabi weren’t your average people.

These were people who felt betrayed, like a close friend had turned on them, stabbed them in the back and left them behind. Aizawas words left a bitterness in their mouths. Toga already had tears in her eyes, but she was quiet for once. Dabi, on the other hand, radiated aggression. You watched his hands tense, fingers white as he tightly grabbed the arms of his chair, tendons in his hand flexing.

“You’re really…leaving us?” Toga’s voice cracked, finally breaking the silence.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Jin said, giving her a smile and placing his hand on her shoulder.

“So that’s how it is, huh? This morning you act all buddy-buddy, couldn’t have said anything then, right?” Dabi spat.

“I didn’t know then, Dr. Aizawa and Mirio-“

“Save it. I’m tired of your shit. I want to go back to my room.” Dabi demanded, cutting off Jin.

“Please, escort him back.” Aizawa said to you, his face indifferent. You have a curt nod, placing your hand on Dabi’s back and ushering him up. He stood, back to you waiting to be restrained, and all but marched to the door.

While walking down the hall, you had to jog to keep up with him, trying to keep him in your grasp was hard, he’d shrug you off and let his long legs carry him further away from you. You knew he was hurt in his own way, so you bit your tongue until you were safely back in his room. You took off the cuffs and his hands quickly moved to his head, nails digging into his scalp.

“Hey, come on Dabi, stop that. You’re going to hurt yourself.” You said, gently grabbing his wrists.

“Like I fucking care, look at me!” He laughed, whipping around to face you, the look in his eyes were wild.

“You think I can do anything worse than what’s already been done? Fucking LOOK AT ME.” He screamed, eyes bloodshot.

You flinched, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. Your heart clenched at the raw sound of his voice, knowing his pain, feeling it hit you with every syllable spilled from his lips.

“We can’t change what’s been done, but we don’t want to add to it. I don’t want you to hurt anymore, and I don’t think you like hurting either, right? Come over here, let’s sit down for a minute, okay?” You said, voice hushed. One of your hands still held his wrist while the other moved to his back, giving soft rubs as you guided him to his bed.

You moved his hands into his lap, keeping yours in place atop them to keep them still while your other hand traced light shapes into his back, trying to soothe him. His eyes burned holes in the floor, jaw clenching as heavy breaths moved his chest.

You didn’t say anything, just sat quietly beside him, hoping your presence would offer some type of comfort.

“Everyone leaves.” He finally muttered.

“What do you mean?” You prodded. His head shifted, slowly turning to you as his eyes lingered on your face.

“For all of my life, anyone that has ever mattered has left. I always end up alone.” He whispered, voice straining as he spoke. His face twisted, and he looked like he wanted to cry. Visions of him flashed in your mind, a younger him sitting before you, tears falling freely, his heart aching with betrayal.

You brought a hand to the back of his head as his breathing quickened and became uneven, like he was hyperventilating. You pulled him into you, his head against your shoulder as your fingers wove through his hair, your other arm encircling him and holding him close.

“It’s okay, I know it’s hard to be alone. To feel lonely. I know how much it hurts, but I promise you, it won’t be like that anymore. I’m here, I’m going to help you, and I’m not going anywhere.” You said, feeling yourself almost brought to tears as you thought about Dabi, about how he was falling apart and all you could do was try to piece him back together, little by little.

His face was hidden in the crook of your neck, all you could feel were the shaky breaths hitting your skin and the way his arms slowly wrapped around you, holding onto you as if you were his only lifeline.

Dabi stayed there for a while, letting you baby him, comfort him, his grin going unseen.

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buzz-on-business · 27 days

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The Start Up #1.1

Last night, one of the people I follow on Instagram posted “There are two types of people in this world. Macro managers and micro managers. If your business doesn’t have both, and if they aren’t on the same page, you will fail. You will lose it all. You will be left in the dust.” @donaldmiller.

Donald Miller is a business coach with a focus on relationships and emotional awareness. Relationships in business are just as important as the ones we form in our personal lives. He posts some of the most unique, insightful and useful messages to think about and if they resonate, apply in our lives, work and businesses.

This post woke me at 4am the next morning, compelling me to consider it, to unpack it, to explain it, to feel it. Our reactions to words, mantras, messages and memes are always a personal thing but this post hit me hard. It was like potentially finding the key I’d been searching for in my whole business career, if I chose to listen. For me, it is the key to business success and failure. Let me explain.

When someone starts a business from nothing they need to be resourceful. They have an idea, a vision, they are compelled and usually they are creative. They have to make time and find money. They will have to manage the macro (the vision) and manage the micro (the detail). If any first time around founder knew the path ahead, I wonder whether they would choose it again. Probably yes, but it is an interesting question to ponder.

So the founder, the creator, gets to work. The macro and the micro, the vision and the detail, is managed by them. There is no-one else, there is no other way. It is generally a harmonious relationship with yourself for a while because you are the macro and micro inside one person, naturally you are on the same page. It’s just you.

The vision or the macro is the big picture version of the problem and the solution. It is about seeing opportunities and forging a new path, sometimes even before your currently unknown customers knew they needed one. The detail or the micro, is a little different. The detail, and the founder’s ability to embrace it, manage it and deliver on it is the key to business success.

A customer of any business has “detail” that they need managed and delivered upon. The detail differs from business to business but knowing it, is essential. If you are contracting with a building company to build you a house, your “detail” will almost always be certainty – of both time and cost. If a building company can’t deliver on time and cost, they will fail soon enough. If you frequent fine dining restaurants your “detail” will be quality and the experience, not certainty of time and cost. If a fine dining restaurant can’t deliver on quality and experience, they will fail soon enough too. The examples are endless. The point is that to succeed, a founder needs to know what “detail” does their customer want managed, and at first, they need to deliver on that detail too.

So say the founder knows the detail and how to deliver it. Customers start coming, things start moving, all of the “not essential for survival” parts of the business get left behind. The founder is trading off their time every single day, every hour, every minute. Even more than when the thing was just an idea, a vision, a bubble. The problem for the founder is when they can no longer do both the macro and the micro, the vision and the detail.

The vision, always needs to sit with the founder and this cannot be compromised. There wouldn’t be many founders who farm out the vision at any stage of the business, to do so would be perilous. The detail however, the delivery of it at least, must be relinquished by the founder in order for them survive, and for their business to survive, and then scale. It is the most daunting, risky transition a business will ever face. The “detail”, the knowing of it and how to deliver it, will always be key to continued business success. Can anyone do this? The vision and the detail? Less than 1% I’d say. Less than 0.10% might be closer.

When the founder, or anyone else in the business is not paying attention to the detail, disruption and spectacular failures occur. These disruptions and failures can happen at ANY stage of business maturity, but they ALWAYS happen when you’re asleep. Case in point are taxi businesses worldwide. It might have been A to B safely and comfortably in the start, but I wouldn’t know a person who rode in a cab for the last 20 years that didn’t get peeved about not knowing when they were arriving and how much it would cost. Was anyone listening, or caring, from within these taxi businesses? No. Was anyone else? Yes – the founder of Uber.

#startup #business #business leaders #entrepreneur #business success #business failure #money #creativity #business creativity

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ashleywool · 3 months

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no comment on calling poor people who can't afford dues "bottom feeders"? tells me everything i need to know

Since you did yourself the courtesy of staying anonymous, that gives me cause to think maybe you're starting to have a glimmer of self-awareness about how foolish you sound, so I'll bite.

But if you ask for a bite, I'mma bite.

I don't judge people for being poor. I don't judge people for being desperate. I don't judge people for taking jobs because they have no other choice. I don't judge people for putting up with labor exploitation because they need to eat.

I judge people who go out of their way to COSPLAY desperation.

I judge people who virtue-signal all over social media about dismantling systems of oppression, and then get up at 4am to do their hair and makeup and wait in line outside a rehearsal studio for five hours waiting to perform a 16-bar cut that they spent $200 having someone coach them on...all for the chance at directly participating in oppressive systems and not even getting paid that much for it. And then loudly PRETENDING that they have no other choice.

People who are ACTUALLY desperate for work don't do that. People who are ACTUALLY poor, and don't have generational wealth to fall back on, can hardly even take the first steps at pursuing this career. People who ACTUALLY need the money apply for jobs that...actually pay them the money. People who put up with labor exploitation because they ACTUALLY have no choice are not screaming at people on social media aggressively defending their RIGHT to be exploited.

Those people ain't you. And I'm not going to apologize for saying so.

It's not that I don't care about your feelings. It's just that the feelings of people who willfully contribute to systemic oppression are not as high of a priority for me as dismantling those systems. Feelings can be worked through. Internalized biases can be worked through. Disinformation can be worked through. But I can't do the work for you, and I can't take responsibility for your feelings about being told that there's work to be done.

The people who told you unions are the enemy are the people who profit from you believing the unions are the enemy.

The people who told you unions are too expensive are the people who profit from your refusal to join.

The people who told you "it's not up to the actors whether or not a tour goes out union" are the people who profit from actors living and working and posturing as if they have no choice.

But I'm the one who originated a role on Broadway and became a leading voice in arts accessibility initiatives, not them.

If you want to be on Broadway...if you want a sustainable career...if you want to be a voice for positive change in this industry...if you want to uplift marginalized communities in PRACTICE (not just in your Insta stories)...

Then don't you think you should start listening to the people who are doing those things, instead of the people whose paychecks depend on you continuing to do what you're doing?

If so...we can talk.

If not...you do you.

But either way, don't let me catch you playing the victim in my DMs again getting mad over something you made up yourself. My advocacy energy is better spent on people who actually want to learn.

ETA: I have now turned off anonymous messaging because it's not conducive to good-faith conversations and arguing with imaginary people is not one of the ways my neurodivergence manifests itself (at least not yet). OP, should you wish to continue, or provide more context to your experiences, my DMs are open and I'm not gonna blast you.

#pro union #union busting is disgusting #advocacy #organizing

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writing-with-rain · 1 year

Text

Lay It All Out

a “Coming Out” one-shot for Leo. Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Nicole Amore Wolf My Rise turtle blog: @ninjamutantturtleteens

For Toffee, @frostbittenbucky, because what are friends for if not writing the fanfiction you want to see and cannot find more of.

Notes: This is both a coming out fic as Leo find a way to tell each of his family members, but it also shows them struggling with the aftermath of the Krang invasion too. Some instances of miscommunication but overall Fluff and comforting - I think.

This is the first time I have written for the turtles, so trying to get a grip on them!

Summary: A lot has happened since the defeat of the Krang – healing of bodies and minds, settling into new routines as everyone picked up the pieces and tried to fit them back into their lives. After strict bedrest, Leo realizes it’s time he tells his family something important.

Word Count: 7,706

-----------------------------

“’Nardo, don’t.” Donnie warns, gaze locked onto his invention, but acutely aware of the way his twin hesitates, retracting his hand from the trinket he had been reaching for. Leonardo’s form sways in and out of the soft shell's line of sight and he has half a mind to tell the turtle in blue to go back to bed – it’s late, and Donnie still worries over the lingering wounds on his body and cracks in Leo’s shell, even if he finds voicing the sentiment a challenge.

Leo knows anyways. He’s been reading his brother like an open book since they were little.

And it’s 16 years of living with Leo that tell him something is wrong. Donnie stops. ‘Wrong’ isn’t the word he wants to use, and he knows it. But at the same time, it’s a sense of Déjà vu. This scenario has played out before. Rare in their appearance, and they’re older than the last time Donnie remembers his twin asking.

It’s always something important at a time like this.

Leo is silent as he stands in the doorway, teetering on the precipice – somewhere between barging in and spilling everything that sits on the tip of his tongue and running away before Donnie can find a good place to pause. Always in the late hours of the night, when their brothers and father were least likely to interrupt their fragile moment of vulnerability.

For a moment Donatello thinks it might have to do with the Krang, but when he sets his tools aside and looks over to his twin the thought is banished. This isn’t the same bone-deep tiredness Donnie has seen weighing Leo down when he finds him knocking back a mug of black coffee at 4am after a nightmare, or the tension he holds in every step as he moves from room to room just to make sure his brothers are still there. Still breathing.

All the same it has Donnie’s attention.

He spins in his chair, facing Leo head on before motioning him inside the lab. Donnie almost misses the way he hesitates before the emotional wall comes back up and the red-eared slider is stepping inside, letting the lab door close behind him.

It is silent once more as Leo sits near him, self-stationed on the chilled floor, looking anywhere except for his twin. Donnie doesn’t push it either. He struggles enough with being emotionally vulnerable, and he knows if he pushes Leo then all he’ll get is a backtracked excuse and apology before the blue turtle is out the door. And judging by the emotions flickering across his face, Donnie knows Leo is trying to find the words he wants to say.

“Donnie, would you – I don’t know.” Leo falters, eyes glued to the floor and fingers a white-knuckled vice grip on his leg. For a moment he reaches up to tug at the tail ends of his mask, only to absently seem to remember he isn’t wearing it and lowering his hand once more.

“Leonardo.” Donnie starts, causing his brother's head to whip up as he meets his eyes. “It’s alright.”

It’s a comfort that Leo seems to latch onto as his shoulders slump in relief. He takes a deep breath before he speaks again. “Would you think any differently of me if” he hesitates for only a moment longer as he glances at Donnie in concern, “if I was attracted to guys?”

Donnie blinks for a moment, surprised by the question. “If you were attracted to guys?”

Leo nods, eyes locked onto Donnie – it's in the way that he twitches, and his form stiffens that the scientist knows he’s gearing up to run for it.

“Why would that matter?”

It’s immediate, the way Donatello can see the relief washing over his brother. He seems to almost fold in on himself, like the adrenaline of his confession was the only thing keeping him upright the entire time.

“So, you don’t care?”

It's already been an emotionally charged few minutes, Donnie reasons internally, as he considers what he should say. “I care that you’re happy” he says, quiet, before a quick addendum slips out, “and safe.” The gaze he levels Leo with doesn’t go unnoticed, but at least his brother has the courtesy to acknowledge the underlying concern. Donnie counts that as a win.

“Thanks Dee.” It’s soft. Not the boisterous teasing or quick wit of their normal conversations, and Donatello knows that Leo means it in a way he cannot currently communicate.

“Does anyone else know?”

It’s a question that has their fearless leader shrinking in on himself once more and that is all the answer Donatello needs, but he waits for confirmation.

“Not yet, but don’t tell them.”

Donnie doesn’t respond to that one, at least not verbally. And a part of him he can feel begins to swell with pride that his brother had chosen to come to him first. He’ll sit through a hundred seminars with Dr. Feelings before he admits as much, though.

Donatello won't say a word to their brothers, or anyone, and Leo already knows as much.

The purple-clad turtle stands, stretching, before he moves to the other side of his lab and pulls out a spare chair hiding against the corner, rolling it next to his own tucked against the desk before sitting back down. Silently he motions to the empty seat beside him – Leo looks drained after their conversation, and the claws of sleep are starting to sneak up on him, but Donnie knows if he lets his twin leave now, Leo won't return to his bed. And it's tradition, in a way, that they always stay together after one of them needs to talk like this.

Leo, aware of what his brother is doing, and silently grateful, cracks a joke instead. “Gonna try to put me to sleep with science, Don-Tron?”

There’s a smile that pulls at the edges of his mouth, but Donnie forces it back down in practiced mock annoyance. “Scoff, someone has to be the responsible twin at least.”

Leo says nothing, but the soft chuckle under his breath is enough of a giveaway as he climbs into the seat, resting his head and arms on the table as Donnie returns to his work.

“What are you doing?”

His voice is drenched with a drowsy quality, and Donnie knows he won't be awake for much longer, but he appreciates the sentiment, deciding to humor his brother this time, beginning to explain the building process. Almost 5 minutes later, Leo is asleep, and Donnie continues his work silently next to him.

It’s three weeks later that Leo is coming out to the next person in his family.

April, in all her stubborn glory, had decided after one rough nightmarish memory, that she was dragging Leo out and refusing to take no for an answer. Sweetening the deal with his favorite large pizza from Run of The Mill.

Not that the blue coded terrapin was going to be complaining about spending some time with one of his favorite people. April had been busy as is, trying her best to keep up with the mounting college work and her journalism, amidst the aftermath of the Krang invasion that still haunted them all.

Leo would still shudder thinking about the teary-eyed scolding he had received as soon as she had laid eyes on him, realizing he was alive – if a little worse for wear.

Perched atop a building, hidden in the shadows, the pair scarfed down the last of their pizza, eyeing the people that buzzed below, scurrying from one destination to the next. It was a comfort, that despite the overarching night that had settled in hours ago, the lights and noise of the city persisted – a reminder that they were still here.

Leo had needed this, he absently realized. A moment out, just to watch the people and cars go by. Some silent time to listen to the buzz of the city. To drive out the idea that it would all be gone when he woke up.

April, as perceptive as ever, moved from her spot, scooting closer until she was shoulder to shoulder with him. When he remained staring out, lost in space, she reached up, giving a tug to the blue mask tail determined to hit her in the face if the wind would allow.

It was enough to pull him back to the present, turning to face her with a questioning look.

He seemed content, and unwilling to spoil the good mood, she realized it had been too long since she had poked any fun at him. A devious smile crossed her face as Leo seemed to ready himself in response.

They were just close enough to make out some of the people below – features were vague and blurry, but that had never stopped them before. Zeroing in on one, April threw her arm around Leo’s shoulder, pointing down at the two people standing just a few feet away from the bus stop. Bright green hair makes the girl easy to pinpoint.

“She’s totally cute, right? We should get you a cloaking brooch,” she leaned on Leo, swaying them in place before righting the pair, “let’s see the face-man try to get a number then.”

She paused when she felt the way he tensed under her hold, eyes flickering in every direction before they stopped on his hands, gently cupped in his lap while one of his feet swung idly. “Leo?”

He glanced at her from the corner of his eye, rolling his shoulders to brush it off, his trademark smirk returning to his face. But something about it looked a little too forced for her liking.

“Hey if she’s not your type then you need to let me know who is – I've gotta set you up eventually.” She stopped, humming in thought for a moment, “You know, for Splinter’s sake.” Glancing back out at the dissipating sea of people, April took the next few minutes to point out a few different girls, noticing the drop of his shoulders each time.

After 30 minutes, 10 of which were spent in silence as she racked her brain, she finally let out a resigned huff, turning to face him. “Okay, so it isn’t anybody I pointed out, what is your type then?”

Leo seemed to hesitate at that, eyes shifting from person to person in what April internally deemed an agonizing 5 minutes of silence. Finally, he stopped, turning to look at her before his confidence seemed to dissipate and he was playing with the hilt of his sword. “The first girl, um, her friend is pretty cute.”

His words were low, almost enough that April missed what he said. She paused for a moment, confused – but she thought? Wait.

She looked down, scanning for the original duo, and there she found them, now leaning against the wall of the bus stop. Moving forward she studied them, ignoring the first girl she had pointed out in favor of the person next to her.

Realization began to dawn on her as she sat straighter, still facing forward to give Leo a thread of privacy before she spoke. “I’m pretty sure that’s a guy, Lee.”

She was watching him, and for a moment she wasn’t sure he had heard her until he gave a swift, single nod of his head.

“Wait, that’s your type?” she asked incredulously.

Leo stopped, feeling his world shatter for a moment as he looked away, trying to force down the tears he could feel beginning to sting his eyes. That single moment felt like an eternity before her next words had his head spinning in her direction.

“They’re nothing alike! If anything, I would have thought someone like him would be more your style!”

Leo followed where she was pointing, singling out a guy standing just on the corner. He was cute, that Leo could agree with – but neither were really his type.

He realized a second later he had spoken out loud when April snorted. “Alright, well what kind of guys does the great Neon Leon go for? Maybe I can set you up with this guy in my Algebra class. Oh, or-”

But Leo had stopped listening for the moment, just staring at her in surprise as she rattled off a list of guys she knew – and trusted – that might be his type. Her phone secured in her hands as she flipped through different social media profiles, analyzing each one before finding some flaw with them and moving along. It was enough to have him laughing, and laugh he did, the sound falling from his mouth before he could stop it.

April paused in her quest, looking over to the laughing turtle next to her until he managed to catch his breath – staying quiet when he plopped his head onto her shoulder, eyes closed.

“Thanks, Apes.”

“No problem.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes before Leo’s stomach growled again – an echoing demand for more pizza and both were laughing once more.

Standing, and pulling Leo up with her, April pushed him forward. “Come on, let’s head back to Run of the Mill and get some more, my treat, but” she said, popping the ‘T’ as she eyed him, “I want details on your type.”

Leo held his hands up in defeat, knowing arguing would get him nowhere once she had set a goal. “But only because I haven’t seen Señor Hueso in ages,” he drawled.

He decides the next person to tell is going to be Michelangelo - because Leo could use the help from Dr. Feelings now that this fear is beginning to claw back up his throat. And because Mikey, his precious baby brother, had always been a bit too good at sniffing out emotional turmoil. The way that he had been eyeing the turtle in blue tells Leo that it won't be long before he finds himself confronted anyways. Best to rip the Band-Aid off, he reasons.

It is a quiet day, no training, no worries, while Raph and Donnie had volunteered to go on the pizza run that night, while Splinter remained dead asleep in his room. It was the perfect time, Leo knew, setting out to track the box turtle down.

He stopped by Mikey’s room first, glancing in at the art supplies that covered the floors and his desk. But no sign of his brother, not even a dip in the new hammock they had managed to snag for him. So, Leo straightened up, one hand pressed to his beak as he thought about where Mikey could have wandered off to.

Resolve to find him before the return of their brothers settled in and Leo began scouring the lair, checking in every room he could find until he came to the projector room.

There, in a pair of too big glasses and a brown sweater stood Dr. Feelings, a slideshow already pulled up.

Leo leaned on the doorframe, an amused expression on his face. “An ambush, Mikey.” he chided before stepping past the threshold and taking a seat.

“I just thought it was time you talked to Dr. Feelings,” he offered, shrugging his shoulders and leveling his older brother with a steady gaze.

“Well lucky me then, I was actually hoping to talk to Dr. Feelings.”

Mikey seemed surprised enough at his statement, usually his brothers tried to wiggle out of his seminars on the off times he deemed them necessary. “Well, what can Dr. Feelings help with?”

Leo noticed the way Mikey seemed to light up, not wanting to waste the chance to help one of his brothers. It made it easier, in a way. This was Mikey, if anyone was going to be understanding, it would be him. But that didn’t stop the icy grip of fear that seemed to keep Leo silent in the moment.

Mikey had noticed a flash of concern crossing his face and he moved to sit on the arm of the chair, one hand resting gently on Leo’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

Silence, again, but he managed to flash his little brother a ‘one moment’ signal, trying to gather his thoughts. Finally, his voice took pity on him and words, however soft they were, began to tumble out. “I was wondering if Dr. Feelings had any suggestions on how to tell my little brother something important.”

Michelangelo stopped for a moment, contemplating his words. “I think it depends on what that something is.”

Leo nods slowly, eyes closed, opting instead to focus on the soft touch on his shoulder. It would be okay. He knew it. But knowing something wasn’t always enough to stop the fear – that lingering weight of “what if it’s the worst case?”

“Leonardo?”

His full name pulls him from his own thoughts, and he looks up at Mikey, just a bit taller than him thanks to his seat. “I’ve been trying, for a few days, to figure out how to tell my little brother that I’m into guys - because I know he’ll be okay with it, but I’m still scared that he’ll be mad. Even if that’s dumb.”

It isn’t more than a moment later that Mikey is clinging to Leo like his life depends on it, having wiggled his way under his arm and against his side. “It’s okay to be afraid, Leo, and it isn’t dumb.”

The slider pauses before wrapping his arms around his brother, squeezing back to anchor himself into the moment.

“But you’re right, there’s nothing wrong with it, I’m not mad. I’m glad you told me.”

Leo can’t help but let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Relieved to hear those words, even if he had logically known the outcome. But it’s the sharp gasp of surprise and Mikey’s head shooting up that catch him off guard.

“Wait! Do you have a boyfriend? Are you flirting with someone? Is that why you’re telling me? Do I get to meet them – I want to meet them! Where did you meet them?”

And there it is – all rapid-fire questions and warmth, enveloped in such earnest curiosity and love that Leo can’t help but smile and bask in it like sunshine, before realizing he should probably set the record straight. So, with a poorly concealed laugh he covers his brother's mouth, making a face when Mikey glares and licks his hand in a failed attempt to make him let go. The elder only rolls his eyes. Younger siblings. Honestly.

“I’m not seeing anyone,” and Mikey has a look on his face that says he doesn’t believe it, so Leo swears it again before he continues. “I just thought it was time to start telling you guys. But not everyone knows yet, so, ya know.” Leo trails off at the end, giving a weak shrug as he lets Mikey go.

For all his barely contained excitement, there is a look of understanding on Mikey’s face. “They won't hear anything from me.”

“Promise, Michael?”

“My lips are sealed,” he stresses, mimicking the zip-and-lock motion.

Leo lets himself relax, for the first time since they had decided to order pizza, and sinks into the cushions, one arm still slung around his koala of a brother who refuses to move from his seat. Instead of fighting it, he closes his eyes, ready to take a nap until the others return and the smell of pizza wakes him up.

With one brother accounted for, and the weight on his chest just a little lighter, sleep comes easier than usual.

A month passes after the Dr. Feelings session, a month before Leo even considers telling anyone else.

If he just doesn’t dwell on it, then he can almost forget he still has people he wants to tell. Sure, the easy way out would be having the others bring it up or say it for him, but something about that scenario leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

It has to come from him, it’s just a matter of when he decides.

The time decides for him instead. It’s two days after his first mission out, with old wounds reaggravated his brothers convince him to sit out until they heal. For the sake of their thread bare sanity over his health, he agrees. But he won't like it.

Too wired and worried over his brothers, Leo finds himself unable to sit still. And with nobody to stop him, his feet seem to pull him in the direction of the training room. Empty and inviting. He knows enough about his body to know what is going to be too much. But some training will serve his restlessness well. Even if his injuries do suffer a bit, he’ll be ready – otherwise what kind of team medic would he be.

An hour later of running through drills that won’t tear at the stitches in his leg. Ignoring the burn of muscles that beg for him to stop – still not willing to move from being bed ridden directly after the Krang attack. And all it takes is that one thought. A mental flash of the encroaching Krang and the prison dimension, being shoved around and beaten on. So sure that he would die. His body is flooded with the memory of the pain and his leg gives out under him suddenly.

It’s almost as if the world is moving in slow motion before he crashes backwards off the mat and straight into one of the training dummies, taking it down with him. He lays there for a second, catching his breath.

His heart is racing, and it isn’t from the workout, if the bile crawling up his throat is anything to go by. Blood thunders in his ears and the feeling of the stone ground under him isn’t enough to keep him in the moment, eyes squeezed shut, the fear that if he opens then he'll be face to face with an alien and an endless void.

It’s a voice that shocks him back into the moment.

“Blue?”

Splinter stands in the doorway, worried as he steps towards his son who has finally acknowledged him. Carefully he helps him sit up before Leo is wrapping his arms around him. All Splinter can do is hold him, whispering reassurances as sobs wrack his body. Careful in his motions, he slowly pulls his son up, determined to move them to the projector room chair so he can check Leo over.

When they do finally reach their destination, the terrapin all but collapses into it, rubbing the tears away furiously from his eyes as he regains his bearings. His father sits in front of him, first aid kit in hand and Leo realizes he doesn’t even know when he had the chance to leave and get it.

“My son, let me see your arm.”

The turtle glances down, vaguely aware of the sting on his bicep. Realizing the skin had been broken and blood was beginning to dry around the edges. He holds his arm out, letting his father work.

The time passes in silence, but Splinter can see it in the way Leo holds himself. He’s beginning to calm down, and the best thing he can think to do is crack a joke.

“You know, if you keep getting yourself all scraped up, I’ll never find a nice girl to marry you off to,” he jests, “or your brothers.”

Leo seems to still at that, and Splinter takes notice, looking at him with a curious gaze. But his son’s eyes are unfocused, head tilted to the side. So the rat stops, giving one more glance to the bandaged arm before waiting for his son to speak.

He knows this look; this is the same fearful look Leo had been sporting when he had come to wake Splinter up as a turtle tot, scared to tell him that he had thrown up. He had been running a fever for days, so Splinter did his best as a single father to put his sons worries away and get baby blue back up to health. And whatever was plaguing his son's mind would be gone soon if he got his way.

“What if-” Leo paused, before wrapping his arms around himself.

Splinter lets him, allowing him the space he needs to feel safe.

“What if I don’t want you to marry me off to a girl?”

“Blue, I am only joking – okay, mostly joking – when I say I want to marry you off. I would never make you boys marry someone you did not love.” Splinters words don’t seem to have the effect he wants, and Leo shifts uncomfortably in front of him.

“No, I mean, you know, what if I want to marry a guy?” His voice is small, like he’s waiting for the shoe to drop. For Splinter to be angry. Disappointed. Something.

The realization makes Splinter’s heart sink, that one of his sons would think that something as simple as who he loved would make him mad. He reaches forward, pulling Leo back into his embrace.

“Oh, my son, who you love will never make me see you any differently.” he reassures, running a soft hand over Leo’s shell. The turtle sinks into his hold, burying his face into the side of his father’s neck.

“Are you sure?”

“Just don’t date someone anti-Lou Jitsu,” he cackles.

It works, earning a laugh and an affronted gasp from Leo. “Never! I could never date someone like that!”

His theatrics leave them both in hysterics for a few moments, until Splinter finds the chance to speak again. “I had an inkling of such feelings, you know.”

Leo freezes, noticing the way his father seems to eye him with a knowing smile. “You did?”

“Of course, I’m still your father – but you never said anything, or brought any boys home, so I never thought I needed to mention it.”

Somehow those words put Leo at ease, more than he could have expected.

Splinter can read his change in body language as clear as day. But what is a heartfelt admission from his son if he doesn’t use it to mess with him? Even a little. “Besides, back in my days as famous action star Lou Jitsu I may,” he draws out the ‘a’ as he strokes his beard, “have kissed a few guys as well.”

He has to bite his tongue at the look of horror that spreads across Leo’s face. An admission of his father’s dating life had not been on the table for this talk, and Leo immediately regrets his decision. So Splinter continues. “Ah, yes, I remember one time -”

“No! No, no, no!” The turtle is frantically crawling over the back of the recliner, dead set on escaping the rest of this memory lane road trip. “I do not want to hear about your love life, old man!”

His actions pull a deep belly laugh from Splinter, who throws his head back as his son puts space and the recliner between the two of them, face still scrunched up in mortification. “If you cannot handle a little romance, how am I supposed to marry you off to a nice young man, blue one?”

Splinter doesn’t miss the way Leonardo’s face softens for a second, body relaxed, before the situation hits him again and he turns tail, fleeing as fast as his injured leg will allow him to in a bid to escape his father’s teasing.

It’s a week later of avoiding Splinter’s subtle remarks and his brothers nagging over his reopened wound, sitting with Casey in his room as they read through his collection of comics – some of which had been ‘borrowed’ from Donnie – that Leo is first introduced to the idea that someone else might have known the entire time.

Leo isn’t Master Leonardo. And maybe he never will be. But there are parts of his core personality that even the apocalypse couldn’t erase, and Leo can see the way that Casey struggles with this dichotomy. Leo cannot be the father figure that Casey knew and trying had led to a fight. But he can be an older brother figure to him now.

And now is when it’s needed.

He can see the way that Casey’s eyes keep skimming over the same page, one he’s been staring at for the last 15 minutes, completely unaware that Leo has been watching him. He’s getting stuck in his own head, and Leo has an idea over what.

So, he changes tactics, setting his own comic aside and pushing his foot against Casey’s leg, getting his attention. The future boy looks sheepish for a moment, knowing he’s been caught but Leo shrugs it off. The comics will always be there the next time.

“Tell me about him.”

It gives Casey a pause before he’s lighting up, a smile on his face as soon as he realizes what Leo means. It’s a way to keep their memory alive, and Casey cherishes the chances he gets to share their stories. Stories that never have to come to pass.

But it isn’t a tale of heroism or danger that he feels like relaying. Instead, he looks at the ceiling of the subway car Leo calls a room, chuckling to himself.

“Do you want to hear a story that Master Michelangelo told me about Master Leonardo, when he was younger – older than you now, but still.”

Leo’s interest is piqued, and he sits up, hunched forward with his face in his hands, elbows to his knees as he waits for Casey to continue.

“Master Michelangelo said that when they were younger, Leonardo had this boyfriend – I think he was a Yokai?”

But Leo doesn’t hear anything else for a moment, his breath caught in his throat. It hadn’t occurred to him that Casey knew. Even coming from the future, with the threat of the Krang invasion, well, when would it have been brought up?

Of course, it had been Mikey.

But that isn’t the part that surprises Leo. Instead, before him sits Casey, retelling a story that Leo really means to be paying attention to - because maybe he should avoid dating this guy – and he keeps saying boyfriend without a single thought.

It isn’t some big secret, or hushed story to tell. Leo is just glad that he asked in private. Because to Casey this is just another fact of life.

His mom is Cassandra Jones. He grew up in a Krang invasion. He went back to the past and changed the future. His Sensei, whose younger self is sitting right next to him, is a gay mutant turtle. And pizza tastes better than rats.

They’re not up for debate, they’re just things he knows, and he doesn’t think twice about.

But Casey has noticed Leo is no longer paying attention, figuring as much when he doesn’t make a snide quip over something Casey finds incredibly funny, but at the expense of his Sensei’s pride.

“Are you okay?”

Leo is giving him a funny look and Casey isn’t sure what he’s said to warrant it but it’s sending him spiraling trying to figure out where he went wrong.

“You know?”

Leo’s question shines exactly zero light on what he’s talking about, and Casey just stares him in the eye, waiting for some sort of explanation.

“You know I’m gay.”

It’s less of a question and more of a statement as the turtle straightens up, waiting.

“Everyone does. Or did?” It finally dawns on him what the issue might be. “Wait, do they not know here?”

Leo glances to the curtain that hangs over his door, as if he expects someone to pop out from behind it at any moment. Finally, he looks back to Casey.

“Most of them, and if you know then that just leaves Raph.”

“Oh.” he sits, brows furrowed as that information sinks in. “Should I not have said anything?”

Leo laughs at that. “I’m glad you did – I had no idea how to tell you. I was considering just letting you figure it out when I showed up with a boyfriend.”

“Just not a raccoon Yokai” Casey blurts.

Leo is giving him a strange look in return, a silent request for context.

It takes everything in Casey not to roll his eyes – Leo really hadn’t been listening. He’d need to start the story over again. Before Leo falls into a wishing fountain trying to impress a Yokai only to get his wallet stolen.

Leo is almost tempted to ask if it bothers Casey, but the way that he’s looking at the turtle right now says if he asks then he’ll never hear the end of it.

Leo’s gay. Splinter is a rat. And Mikey has a tooth gap. That’s just how things are.

Leo couldn’t be happier about it either, leaning back and getting comfortable. “So, why do I need to avoid cute raccoon Yokai?”

At the mention of the story once more, Casey settles opposite Leo, starting back from the beginning and readying himself for Leo’s affronted quips and defenses.

After the conversation with Casey, Leo knew that left only one person to tell: Raph. And for some reason, the idea of Raphael finding out set him on edge more than anyone. Leo just could not pinpoint why.

Sure, Raph was bigger than him, and older, and they had had their fair share of fights and sibling squabbles. But he had always been there for Leo. There was no reason now that he should be so worried about telling him.

After Mikey, Raph was probably the next person Leo would have clocked as the most accepting. He was so sure that he would be. And yet, for some reason, for the last 3 weeks that Leo had been trying to work up the nerve to talk to him about it, his body would betray him. Every. Time.

The worst part of it all was the pitying looks from his brothers who had realized what he was trying to do. Dr. Feelings had even tried to make an appearance and Leo had never gotten out of the lair so fast in his life.

Yet time and time again something was there to mess him up – tongue tied mumblings that nobody could understand, nausea that threatened to make him lose a weeks' worth of food or getting so scared he just turned around and walked away – or ran, depending on who you asked.

Raphael had noticed almost immediately, and as his brother continued to ignore him, he grew increasingly concerned. Until finally it happened. An entire week had gone by, and he hadn’t seen sword or shell of Leo.

Not at dinner, not at training. His younger brother, their leader, had all but vanished. At least from Raph’s view.

The others had seen and spoken to him, so he was still in the lair.

And for the life of him, Raphael could not figure out what he had done. He had tried talking to his brothers, and almost got an answer out of Mikey before April had slapped her hand over his mouth, pulling him away with an apologetic smile and telling Raph that he just needed to hear it from Leo.

Easier said than done, he had grumbled under his breath before leaving. From the corner of his eye, he could have sworn he caught a flash of blue retreating around the bend.

But it had been 3 days since he had almost gotten an answer to his younger brother’s flakiness. And he was fed up.

The worst-case scenario was that it had something to do with the Krang and Leo’s guilt. After all, Raph’s eye still hadn’t healed, and they were unsure that it would ever be as strong as it once was. Leo was the one who had told him that, and Raphael had been able to see the way his shoulders bunched, and he refused to meet his gaze. But a leader didn’t let guilt cause him to avoid his team, his brother. So it had to end.

Armed to the teeth with blankets, an extra pillow, and a handful of his stuffed animals, Raph found himself marching to Leo’s room – the alligator snapping turtle on a mission. And if he had to borrow Mikey’s nunchakus to tie Leo up and make him listen then he would.

Raph hesitated when he came into view of Leo’s room. There was a soft light lining the curtain, but the snapper had already figured that Leo’s insomnia would be keeping him up for the night. Sleep had been a fleeting luxury before the world had almost ended, but the bags that had remained barely hidden by Leo’s mask said that a good sleep had been even more rare since the nightmares had made a home with him.

As quietly as he could, he approached the subway car, not bothering to knock and give Leo time to make an escape. Instead, Raph poked his head in, making eye contact with his younger brother who looked surprised to see him.

Surprised and guilty, at least.

“Leo.”

Raph could see the way his brother was chewing at the inside of his cheek, eyes looking for the nearest escape route – a line of thought that needed to be cut off immediately.

“We need to talk.”

“Come on, big brother, this late in the night? I need my beauty sleep.”

His words were lacking, strained even to his ears, and it caused Leo to flinch. So much for selling the performance.

Raph ignored the bland excuse, stepping forward and dropping his pile of blankets and plushies directly onto Leo, who found himself sputtering as he batted them away from his face.

It was a standoff – Leo angled just right to take off running, and Raph ready, arms crossed, to grab him the moment he tried.

But the moment never came, because he was tired. Tired of his brother running away from him and not knowing why, and tired of tracking him down. Instead, he speaks. “What did I do?” Arms uncross, dropping to his sides and expression solemn.

Leo can feel his heart in his throat the moment he sees the hurt look on his older brother’s face. And for the first time in over a month his body seems to stop, lacking the drive to run away and save himself from any possibility of this conversation going bad. Because this is already his worst-case scenario – hurting his family.

Raph takes it as his cue, sitting down beside him and pulling Leo into his side, content when his little brother doesn’t hesitate to curl against his spikey shell, blanket thrown haphazardly across his body, hiding the bottom of his face in its edges.

Leo’s mask is tossed near the door, and Raph can see the dark bags that sit under his eyes, but it isn't the time to mention them. At least not yet.

“You didn’t do anything, you dum-dum.” Leo’s voice is twisted, like he’s fighting back tears, and maybe he is. But Raph figures the moment he looks down at him this is all going to come apart.

His grip on Leo tightens just a fraction of a second. Just to make sure he really is there.

“Then why have you been avoiding me?”

Leo stops breathing for a moment, shifting to bury his face against Raph’s plastron – like he would do when they were little. When everything was just a bit too much to handle and his best line of defense was hiding as close to his big brother as he could manage.

It’s been years since he’s done it, save for right after the Krang invasion. But Raph is wrapping his arms around Leo all the same, knowing he needs that pressure to feel secure.

“Is it my eye?”

Leo flinches at the question but Raph can still feel the way he shakes his head, a small wave of relief coming over him, followed by more confusion. “What is it?”

There’s a deep breath, and finally Leo pulls back, not enough to look at Raph, or even move away – his forehead still resting against his brother, but his mouth uncovered so he can actually be heard.

“There’s something I’ve been trying to tell everyone – and I have! Mostly. You’re the only one I have left to tell now.”

There’s a part of his heart that hurts when he hears he’s the last one, but Raph says nothing, nudging at his brother’s shell to signal that he’s still listening.

“I’ve been trying to tell you for a while, but every time I get close, I back out at the last minute.”

“Why?” The question slips out before Raph has a chance to stop it and he barely stifles a groan in response. He hadn’t meant for it to sound like that.

Leo shrugs at first, but there’s more to it. Raphael knows that much. So he waits.

“I guess I was scared.”

“Weren’t you scared of telling the others?”

“I mean, yeah, but I guess it was different?” Leo is faltering with his words, trying desperately to find a way to make Raph understand. “It’s just that you’re our big brother, and you were the leader for so long. We always went to you when we were upset or scared. Or if something was on our minds.”

There’s a pause and Leo is shifting, cheek now flat against his brother’s plastron but when Raph dares a glance down, he finds his eyes are shut tight.

“And now I’m supposed to be leader, and I know you have a lot of faith in me, so it seemed kind of dumb that this was stressing me out so badly. And I know that it’s gonna be fine, but at the same time, what if it isn’t? You’re my big brother, I don’t want to let you down. Again.”

The final word is bitter dripping from Leo’s tongue and Raph taps at his shell, a silent reminder of their conversations regarding this before. “So it’s - is it about you not wanting to be the leader?”

He’s trying. Bless him, he really is. And Leo knows he is. Between cryptic answers and a week of total avoidance, the blue terrapin certainly hasn’t made it easy to figure out.

“I’m gay, Raph.”

It’s quiet for a moment and Leo can’t help but attempt to sink deeper into his brother's side, fully intending to disappear. Or try his hardest.

“That’s it?”

Leo furrows his brow, head shooting up to actually see Raph’s face. “I’m having a moment of vulnerability here,” he squawks, sitting up to look Raphael in the eye.

The elder raises one hand, the other still wrapped around Leo’s side, pulling him back into a resting position – Leo will never admit he went down without a fight.

“Leo, when we were younger, I'm pretty sure I heard you say you wanted to marry Jupiter Jim like, seven times, at least, it wasn’t that hard to figure out. Also, you’re really bad at discreetly checking guys out.”

Leo says nothing, opting to pout as he turns his face away from the room and the dim lights. It causes Raph to laugh, giving his brother another quick squeeze.

“I’m sorry – I'm not trying to be a jerk. I just didn’t know it was supposed to be a secret, little brother.”

Leo sighs, glancing up with a critical look on his face. “So, you don’t mind?”

“I don’t mind – but I do mind you ignoring me for the last month.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I get it, I think. Just promise me you’ll try to come talk to me next time?”

“Well, I don’t think I’ll need to come out again.” His sentence is broken off by a yelp when Raph smacks at his side. “But I promise,” Leo hisses up, though he fails to keep the smile from his voice.

Neither of them move once they’ve finished talking. At least not for a few minutes. But then it’s Leo breaking the silence.

“You thought I was ignoring you because of the invasion, after all this time?”

“You started acting weird around the last check-up, when you mentioned my eye – so I thought it was that or when you were looking at me you were just seeing Krang possessed Raph. I don’t know, maybe the nightmares had gotten worse.”

Leo hums in acknowledgement, letting the words sink in. “No, no, nothing like that.”

Raph looks down at his brother, studying the tired lines and the drop of his eyes. “But the nightmares haven’t let up.”

It’s a fact, not a question, but Leo finds himself nodding along anyways.

Raph purses his lips, shifting to lay down and get comfortable, dragging Leo into a similar position next to him. “You don’t have to do this alone you know.”

“But I’m the leader I -”

Raphael cuts him off, “you’re still my little brother.” Shifting his weight – really Leo’s bed isn’t big enough, but he’ll make the sacrifice for tonight – Raph uses one hand to pull the covers up around them. “Tomorrow we’ll all have a sleepover in the projector room, I already asked Casey and April and they’re gonna stay the night.”

Leo isn’t sure what to say, so he says nothing. Tightening his hold around his brother and burying his face back into his side, not bothering to fight off the tears this time.

Raph makes no comment about it, staying where he is and keeping a secure grip while Leo’s dam breaks. And he finds, in what can’t be more than 3 minutes later, Leo’s breathing is coming out in shallow even breaths and the crying has stopped. His body too tired to keep up and feeling too secure knowing one of his brothers was there with him, he’s out like a light.

Raph himself is asleep by the time Splinter pokes his head in an hour later, content that all of his sons are getting rest, and are finally back on speaking terms. Wishing them a goodnight, though he knows they won’t hear it, he retreats to his own room to sleep, leaving none awake within the walls of the lair.

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