I am fucking livid rn I seriously fucking despise online ace folks (not gonna say aspec bc I personally haven't seen aros get involved in this bullshit to the extent aces do and a lot of the time aros are bearing the brunt of terminally online stupidity not causing it) who will make anything mildly related to having relationships without sex about asexuality and/or aphobia. I'm sorry but it's so weird to see a court case about a woman trying to get legal marriage benefits she was denied due to her partner being a woman and their relationship being invalidated bc of the historically misogynistic and lesbophobic "well maybe they didn't have sex" argument and then all of these online bitches speculating about her sexuality so much that they've decided it's a hashtag victory over aphobia specifically.

Asexuals are not inherently homophobic or lesbophobic, but asexuals who ignore systemic homophobia and lesbophobia and make the effects of homophobia and lesbophobia about aphobia are homophobic and lesbophobic. Asexuals are not inherently biphobic, but asexuals who equate aphobia with biphobia are biphobic. And that's not to say something can't be both homophobic and aphobic or lesbophobic and aphobic or biphobic and aphobic, but guess what??? If you're not a lesbian, you don't get to make lesbophobia about your experience as an asexual. If you're not bisexual, you don't get to make biphobia about your experience as an asexual. Shit like this is why I still get anxious about talking about my ace experience irl because there is an overwhelming number of online asexuals who are so goddamn selfish they will make the struggles that other LGBT people face about themselves and by extension diminish the real quantifiable impact said struggles actually have.

I'm not a lesbian. I have no idea what it's like to be a lesbian—conceptually, I understand what it is, but I cannot experience it. I can face hate and vitriol for dating a woman, which is rooted in misogyny and (in my particular case, misaimed) lesbophobia, but I cannot experience the same exact struggles a lesbian does bc I am not a lesbian. I cannot comment on the lesbian experience because I am not a lesbian. Yeah, I have experienced struggles bisexual women face, which have overlap with some aspects of some lesbian experiences since we are all WLW and therefore all face misogyny, due to my experience as someone who is both bi and ace, but I am not an ace lesbian so I cannot comment on overlapping asexual and lesbian experiences or, by extension, overlapping aphobia and lesbophobia. A non-lesbian asexual cannot experience overlap with lesbophobia and aphobia, so a non-lesbian asexual has no fucking business talking over lesbians (including ace lesbians!!!!) and making lesbophobia about aphobia.

There is no world in which talking over other LGBT individuals about prejudices which exist to target other LGBT identities helps combat aphobia. Making lesbophobia about aphobia does not help ace lesbians, making homophobia about aphobia does not help ace gays, making biphobia about aphobia does not help bi aces, etc. Making other LGBT issues about asexuality doesn't help the LGBT community. People who do this are hurting both our LGBT siblings and other asexuals, and for what???? Validation that they're also oppressed????? Asexuality isn't about not having sex or not wanting to have sex, and it's both incorrect by definition and actually aphobic to treat asexuality as wanting sexless relationships or suggest that all sexless relationships are due to one or more partners being asexual. Asexuality is about sexual attraction. That's no different than any other sexuality. It's not about celibacy or sex-repulsion or if you've ever fucked someone before.

And holy shit but I haven't even touched on how this behavior also hurts aros—you know, the even less represented and understood aspecs. Saying that QPRs are strictly "romantic but not sexual" is literally wrong, not to mention that phrasing excludes aros who, you know, fucking pioneered the term BTW, not alloromantic asexuals who abstain from sex. Looking at two women's relationship that's being invalidated by accusations regarding their lack of sex life and saying "well this is aphobic bc they could be in a sex-free but romantic relationship" is not only lesbophobic but also erases aromantic experiences.

This is very disjointed and disorganized but mother of god it's not okay to invalidate someone's identity or experience just bc the perpetrator is asexual!!!! If it's not okay for the evil cishetallos to dismiss shit like homophobia and lesbophobia then why is it okay when aces dismiss them by conflating them with aphobia????

good GOD I am so angry.

I, as my bio suggests, am a minor. I am also asexual. And feeling quite dysphoric about all the adults in my life telling me ‘I wouldn’t know until I’ve tried it.’ But that’s a different topic.

I needed a little boost for myself so I looked at the asexual tag here on tumblr, so I’d feel less alone.

There are always thirst traps and other things of that kind on any popular tag. But I saw so many, on the asexual tag, that I actually cried, ripping my skin off as I did so.

There will always be people that abuse the tag system, I know. Tagging your posts with trending tags to make them more likely to show up on people’s dashes is a corporate tactic. But to see so many of these ads, I can barely call them posts, on the asexual tag, made me physically ill.

Asexuality is often overlooked by not just cishets but the LGBTQ+ community so often. To see that a safe space for positivity for such a overlooked community was being vandalised for the sake of marketing makes me so angry and so upset for myself and all the other people who fit under the umbrella of asexuality or aromantic who just want to feel like they belong.

I’m a relatively new blog, but I know how tumblr works. I know how the world works. The way the world is run means that we are all victims, and I thought that maybe society, that damned, twisted thing, could let us have a little corner to protect ourselves.

All it does is hurt. it hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts. Companies aren’t going to get new customers by ripping apart supposed safe spaces, and young asexual kids like myself aren’t going to get any validation or even feeling of home from seeing thirst traps targeted toward our community.

our community that is SPECIFICALLY DEFINED BY FEELING DIFFERENT OR NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO WHAT IS DEEMED ‘NORMAL’.

it’s targeted. I can tell. And I am by no means an expert, but this tag abuse is hurting everyone. And no one is doing a thing about it.

please boost this. Reblog, like, whatever. This is damaging people far more than you think, and it needs to be resolved.

thanks for hearing me

Do you think there's a "too soon" on meeting your LDR in person?

Hi Nonny!

Thanks, that's a great question, but also a really difficult one! Benny and I have been at it a while tonight and it left us a little stumped - we both think it's heavily dependent on the context. Here's a few things to consider:

Before you even think about it, you should know them for a little while. If they have demonstrated consistently their care for you, showed up for you and allowed you to depend on them, then it's safe to start considering meeting. But even so there are many other factors that come into play.

Consistent and dependable communication and calling/video calling is a must. When you meet in person, there's no ghosting, there's no "I'll read their message later". You need to be comfortable with each other, so play around the idea of having them around in person before you turn it into your reality.

Personal safety is paramount. You need to absolutely trust your partner and if possible, "ensure" they're really who they say they are. And on this note, you should always make sure that others know about you meeting - and hey, if your partner is serious about you, it shouldn't be a problem for them to even meet your friends and family. (For the sake of clarity, I will assume from this point forward that this is a stage every long distance couple has completed.)

How far apart are you and how much would it cost to see each other? (Even if it takes months of saving up, it could still all go down the drain if the meeting doesn't go well, and you need to accept the possibility of that.)

Where and for how long is the travelling party going to stay? Are they staying with you or in a hotel room?

Who's paying? Are you splitting or not? Why? Are all parties alright with the arrangement? (Don't let something like this become a grudge!)

Does the prospect of meeting them feel right or do you still need some time to get to know them? If it's not comfortable yet, there's no shame in that. Respect your own boundaries and listen to your gut feelings.

Do you both want to meet? Again, boundaries are important and neither of you should compromise on that. If your or your partner's heart isn't in it, it won't be the same as when you're both ready.

What do you guys want to do? The best way to deepen your connection and get to know each other is going on dates and doing things, so it couldn't hurt to look into local options.

Unless you're both/all on the asexual spectrum, it's time to discuss sex, boundaries and needs. It's best this conversation happens before you meet to avoid misunderstandings.

Be ready for the punch in the face the inevitable end of the meeting. It's going to fuck you up. You probably won't want to be alone afterwards so rely on your support network. If you have to travel back, consider that as well and ensure that you stay safe at all times. (And on a side note, mental health issues can and will get worse. Yeah. It sucks. We know.)

Unfortunately, no one can answer your question for you properly and it will always come down to the people in the relationship to openly and transparently communicate and discuss any issues. But we still hope we could give you some realistic pointers to bring you closer to your answer. Good luck with everything. 💕

- Benny & Danny

Love Reading 🦥 - September 2023 - Gemini

Singles:

Overall energy: 3 Wands

How you will meet: Ace of Cups

How they will treat you: The Chariot

Long-term Potential: Strength

Oracles:

Partying 🎉

- Time with friends

- Having fun

- Happily single

- Living in the moment

Coffee Cup ☕️

- Meeting & talking

- Savoring the moment

- Feeling elated

- Building friendship

New oracles, happy to switch these decks around a bit 😁 Okay, this feels like the person I just did a reading for where it’s taking forever, the last reading? Right, probably the same person here, same story. This person IS a good friend…just a friend. They are moving extremely slow towards building anything, with anyone, 10 Swords shows them having gone through hell and they probably need time to heal from that. You could feel like they’re messing with you, because they obviously like you, but are very “hand off”, you can’t gauge them. They treat you like they’re coming towards you, working with you, enjoying your time and making you a priority. But it still feels like “a friend” and I think you’re going to realize it sooner or later. Asking them doesn’t work?

Long term, I still don’t see this going anywhere, one of you is holding back from giving what the other one wants. It could seem mind gamey, probably because you’ve been patient long enough, in your mind. I don’t get them having the capacity to be what you need or want. This is can also be someone you’ve actually been with for a long time, on & off, and you’re both now realizing you’ve changed or have different needs, it’s possible there have been some hurtful words or snide behaviors towards the other for not being what you need (or them). They’re more of a companionship & acts of service type or person probably, you’re more passion & excitement. They could be asexual, which is fine, but not if you’ve been with them for years already, then it’s like …wait, what? Communication and clarity is necessary between you, both of you honestly addressing what’s lacking here on both sides. They can be a really good friend, and your messages have a lot lacking for you specifically, especially passion. Maybe just adjust your expectations with them, it seems like the kind of “ex” (if it’s even that), that you’re both just like…nah, but we’re cool, let’s try seeing other people/do our own thing, and catch up with some coffee next week. But a soulmate? I’m not getting that with them 💯

Messages -

Their side:

- 50/50

- I just want to be alone.

Your side:

- I want to approach you but don’t know HOW.

- I need more than you can give.

- Dirty as F**k

Signs you may be dealing with:

Aries heavy, Aquarius, & misc earth 🌍 energy

Couples:

Overall energy: 9 Wands

Current: Knight of Cups

Challenge: Ace of Pentacles

How they feel about you: 10 Pentacles

How you feel about them: 9 Pentacles

Outcome: King of Pentacles rev

It’s looking like your person doesn’t have a job, or has recently lost one, could be that it’s just really unstable and that’s the cause of a lot of strain in the relationship - 9 Wands. This could’ve been unexpected, a layoff or something like that, some chaotic event, and there’s been no movement towards finding something else. Your person could be collecting unemployment for the time being, and with Mercury being retrograde, there could be delays in actually setting that up or getting a severance check. There’s an energy of waiting around on money that’s been invested, it’s earned, and coming, but it’s needed *now* in order to avoid a disaster and this is just putting a lot of stress and pressure on you both.

I do see a lot of love between you with Knight of Cups, when you’re not stressing out about money during the daytime, you’re probably cuddled up and being very sweet to each other in the evenings. Their feelings for you are beautiful, you two could be actually married to each other, or that’s their long term goal with you. They see you as the one, you’re it, forever, 10 Pentacles, The Hierophant and 4 Wands. Can’t get better energy for the commitment and relationship between you. They also see your job as more solid & stable than theirs, you could have an official position somewhere, as a teacher or maybe a government job, a good business with great perks, you’re the one that’s holding down the fort at the moment.

Your feelings for them being 9 Pentacles, you see them as normally financially stable, they’ve got their shit together, it’s just something going on right now. For now, they’re financially stable enough to get by, but with Page of Wands & 5 Wands, they are firing off at the mouth left and right. Aggravated about the situation they’re in, ready to fight the whole “system” one minute, and then stuck in indecision & feeling conflicted about what to do the next. They could be having a hard time hearing back from any places they’ve applied to, or they’re conflicted on whether they should just collect their checks and “fk the system” because they’re feeling very passionate (and upset) at whatever has happened, or something they’re being charged for, could be a huge payment or debt that throws you both off balance. They may play with the idea of following a passion and giving up on this whole path of life they’ve been going down, maybe it’s not “meant” for them anymore. It all boils down to they have no idea what they want, or what to do, they’re in the middle of a transformation in regards to their work right now, and you’re with them every step of the way.

Outcome through mid-Oct, they still haven’t found anything worthwhile, but they haven’t given up hope. The Star shows them leaning towards following a passion of theirs, they’re deeply inspired to move in another direction and create a whole new path for themselves, one that leads to Justice. In some way, they could be seeking revenge on a business that’s let them down, possibly wanting to open a legal case or take them for everything they’ve got, if possible. They could be aiming to work for a direct competitor, because fk you 😆 Or they hope that by chasing a dream, everything will all work out and they’ll appreciate this 9 Wands experience as “meant to be” what’s right for them, definitely trying to stay optimistic and seeing the positives of the situation. Even with oracles and messages, it’s a bump in the road but this is a beautiful relationship between you two. You may be kinda hesitant about whatever passion they’re on about initially, but they’ve got heavy major arcana energy with them and could very well be on the right path to whatever it is they’re supposed to be doing. Rejection is just redirection to something better or more authentic for you, and you have the Phoenix 🔥 oracle here confirming that 🧡

Messages -

Their side:

- Bad Cycle

- Gorgeous 🥵

Your side:

- Living my life

- I don’t want ANYONE else 💯

Oracles -

Healthy Choices 🥬

- Self-love & self-care

- Being happier

- Love & life

Phoenix 🔥

- New phase & rekindle

- Renew & growth

- Changed mind

- Rise from ashes

Signs you may be dealing with:

Libra, Sagittarius, Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn & Aries

@weepingwound i don't know if you have my location or if your just bluffing but i can't sleep for the thought of you showing up at my apartment and hurting my in my sleep. you win. im terrified and i know i shouldn't have clicked the link you sent. i don't know who you are or where your from or why you chose me to terrify but i just want you to know that im literally just a harmless 21 year old asexual woman and i don't mean you any harm and i couldn't hurt a fly let alone another human but after you blocked me on my other account and i couldn't message you back i felt horrified and please please please just accept that im sorry. im literally crying right now because im that pathetic hahaha. was it because of the ace stuff i said to that other Tumblr user? because while you can't make me like her or what she said or even lesbians at all 🤢 I will still try if that's what you want and if that's what will make you stop coming for me I know you haven't said anything to me since you messaged me but I saw your blog and the scary things you post and I know you have problems and I have problems too and it scares me to think someone like you out there has my irl and location and probably my name. but like I said im harmless and i didn't mean what I said to groantube I just hated how she was being acephobic because she's a man hating lesbian that doesn't care about the LGBTQIA+ community you should see the shit she said to me she told me to kill myself and to die alone because I'm ace and that my family doesn't love me and I can't prove it because she blocked me because I tried to have a discussion with her about aces and she blocked me because she couldn't argue with the facts I gave her. shes not worth hating me over is she? she's an awful person which is why I wanted to fight her but now you know i was bluffing and never could fight her or anyone else so please just message me and tell me you won't find me irl! then we can put this all behind us and i won't have to change the locks on my doors or call my 6'6" brother 200lbs to come protect me in case your dumb enough to try and come to me because he can turn you into ground beef. but I just want this to be peaceful ok. message me again and tell me you wont come for me so I can sleep tonight and i will leave groantube alone but if you don't care about her then I'll make a million accounts to target and harass her because she deserves it. but if you do care about her i will leave her alone if message me and tell me it's ok. But just know my brother was a military medal winning Sargeant and sniper and he can actually shoot through walls if I asked him and he can take you down with no problems and nobody will ever find you again I promise. but this can all go away if you just message me and tell me im safe. i don't know what shit you are capable of like spiritually or witchcraft but I'm protected from that too by the Lord Jesus Christ our only father and savior and he can destroy any false gods or idols you put in my way. so just remember all that.

Hi future me,

How are you? It's a quiet morning, I keep going back to stories unintentionally and get suprised when time passes. I keep forgetting to stay in a moment, to be aware. So I thought it would be good to take some time and write.

I don't think I ever mentioned it but I'm aroace. I think. It feels... Right.

Thought i don't like labels and pushing myself into a community this one doesn't feel so bad.

Let's talk about asexuality first. There's a lot to unpack.

So, I'm sure you remember thinking "hey I think I'm asexual" back in middle school. Taking time to figure it out and sharing it with online "friends". I just wanted to talk it over with someone, get an outside opinion, maybe some comfort.

I wasn't met with that, instead insults and malicious laughter filled my ears during the voice call. I didn't know at that time but it hurt me, to the point of questioning myself and my feelings. I think this event was the start of me holding my trauma as a weapon, never feeling vulnerable while talking about stuff that happened to me, wording everything in a way that would make the other person feel bad. I never used that tactic that much but it was there, just in case. (is that why I don't share anything with people? Does it still feel like a weapon?)

So, the conclusion I came to was met with huge disagreement. It made me feel like I had to be different, pushing myself into being more of what I wasn't.

When I entered high school I sported a "I must be pansexual" mindset.

It wasn't that hard, I never imagined doing the deed or even kissing with other people, it feeling wrong and just purely disrespectful to the other person. My hypersexualisation didn't help. Or the fact that I did feel sexual needs.

See, one third of toddlers use masturbation to self sooth, the touch feeling nice and nothing more. There's nothing sexual about it. It's like a new sensation that feels nice. Like a hug from their mom or someone stroking their hair. Nothing else. (Because I'm posting this on the internet, please note this: If you think it is something sexual please stop and go see a therapist. Those are children and they don't deserve to be treated like a toy for your fantasies. Get help.)

You're probably wondering why I'm mentioning this.

See, I was one of those toddlers, using the sensation to soothe the lack of attention, lack of understanding and affection from my parents and siblings. I was left alone most of the time, the rejection others gave me leaving me upset and sad. So the masturbation was left as a coping mechanism from my childhood and confused me even more about my sexuality. It was very confusing to figure out that bodily reaction. Especially with how I started searching, looking for information back in middle school about asexuality. It was very confusing and I didn't understand that it was "little to none or lack of sexual attraction". But there was a lot information about sex repulsed people that would never even discover their own bodies.

So the confusion from the label itself and the rejection made it pretty hard to think of myself as such.

So I pushed myself, other people's words making me put myself into situations I normally wouldn't put myself in. Several relationships online, because those wasn't physical and I had space where people couldn't touch me, and most of them were based on other people's needs. I didn't have to think, just manipulating my behavior to fit other people, to look normal. It was pretty easy, my mental state not letting me see or be in the moment. It felt like an RP, like the ones I wrote with kids online on Skype or games like feral heart or imvu. The reaction i would get was the one I thought I would get, like things following a script.

Mind you none of those relationships were official or anything. Just teenagers and grown men pushing their fantasies onto someone who wasn't there at all. It's kinda fucked up on its own and should get a post alone. There's a lot to unpack there.

After my last relationship, one that I met the person in real life, memories from middle school came back to me, making me think. The disassociation I've been in clearing and making me see things for the first time in ages. The meeting made me uncomfortable to the point of crying. Maybe my reaction to those people while texting should make it clear. I was always perplexed and thought of them as pathetic every time they fell for words i would write. I guess the dissasiocation made it difficult for me to even catch that.

It took me some time to come to terms with the fact that I was asexual again. Or at least on the spectrum, but I know that I've never felt sexual attraction to anyone. So really it's just that trauma of being rejected pushing me into denial again.

The aromantism is what's new. I never noticed it because I've been using books and stories as an escape since young, the romance genre one of my favorites. I was never too keen on reading about kisses though, hugs and cuddles being a favorite of mine. I realise now it's just the lack of affection I've got from parents while I was young that made me crave the touch, just the warmth of another person that would understand.

I figured recently that I am romance repulsed even, the thought of PDA, kisses and the like making me uncomfortable to the point of disgust.

Though looking at how romance centered our society is i didn't want to believe that I was aromantic. I thought i would never find company, never find a person I could hang out with and share my life with.

(I am very against living with another person though, I don't think I will be able to handle someone in my own space as weird as it can sound to other people. I had too many siblings to enjoy living with someone else I guess.)

Maybe what I'm searching for is a platonic relationship with another aroace, someone I could sit in silence and dance waltz for fun. And what I learned from our society was that without romance i would never have that person. But what made me realise how wrong that thought was, was seeing a married aroace person in Antony padila video.

That one segment made me calm, made me realise that I can just be with another person without any romance or hidden meanings.

I felt relieved.

I'm not alone in my feelings.

I'm not as confused anymore.

I'm pretty sure something will pop up about this again. Probably my internet experience when I was younger. Maybe the trauma i got from my parents. But it's okay. I can work through that, feel the hurt again and grow. Like a burnt forest finding life again.

Sincerely,

Isa

Hell Followed with Us - Andrew Joseph White

Read: 1/6/2022 - 2/6/2022

Rating: 5/5

Rep: gay trans boy main character, autistic gay love interest, Black trans girl side character, Latinx non-binary asexual side character who uses xe/xem, Black lesbian side character, sapphic Black hijabi Muslim side character, aromantic side character, various other queer side characters including characters who use they/them and neopronouns CW: parental death, graphic death, body horror, violence, religious abuse, discussions of genocide; instances of homophobia, transphobia, misgendering, and deadnaming

Review:

When I started reading this book, I very quickly knew I didn’t want to stop reading. The only times I managed to take breaks were when my partner messaged me to let me know that the renewal of a TV show I’ve been obsessed with recently had just been announced, and when I was literally falling asleep due to how late it was. I’m usually the kind of person who always arrives early when meeting up with friends, and I wound up running late to a hangout because I had to finish reading this book before I could let myself move. I couldn’t leave the last couple of chapters until later, I had to read them right then and there. The need to continue to read this book overrode my anxiety and that in and of itself is glowing praise.

Benji was such a great main character and I loved watching his development from being a scared runaway to how he is at the end. If you want to read about someone coming to terms with their anger and using that anger to destroy the people who hurt them then this is the book for you. ‘Anger’ doesn’t feel like a strong enough word to describe what’s going on here, to be honest. ‘Wrath’ might be better. I also really liked seeing Benji try to reckon with everything when in positions of relative safety with the ALC, and his growing friendships with (almost) everyone there were really lovely! He also has a directness that I appreciated. He’s not one to let a potentially sticky social situation fester, and I really liked that! This book is not for the faint of heart. The content warnings are not jokes or exaggerations. The descriptions are vivid and graphic, and the strength of these descriptions alone are enough to strongly recommend this book to people who like body horror. White doesn’t pull a single punch and does a truly great job! I loved the ALC so much! Benji himself notes how healing it is for him to be in an environment where he can tell people his name and pronouns knowing that people will use them for him without argument, and especially how important being around other trans people is for him. This book does a good job at emphasising how important community is, and at addressing some of the beliefs that some people within the lgbtq+ community have that do more harm than good. This book is unapologetically queer and a rejection of the idea that there is a right or wrong way to be queer or to exist. I need to give a special shout out to Salvador. Salvador my beloved. A major character who uses xe/xem pronouns? Who isn’t white?? Who casually mentions that xe’s ace??? And whose relationship with Benji is one of the most significant ones in the whole book???? Salvador pretty much takes Benji under xyr wing in the ALC and makes sure to loop him in in all the gossip, which does so much to help Benji feel like he belongs there. I think Salvador would’ve been one of my favourite characters even if xe didn’t use xe/xem, but xe does and that’s so exciting to me!! I’ve read so few books with any characters who use neopronouns, and I’ve never read a book with a character with neopronouns who’s this prominent before!! And all of Salvador’s friends used xyr correct pronouns and didn’t slip up once!!! Getting a little personal here, but a big reason why I use they/them is to make things easier for other people. It means so much to me to see a character who isn’t doing that, is unapologetic about it, and who’s respected by everyone whose opinion matters. And xe’s not even the only character who uses neopronouns in this book, xe’s just the most prominent one!! Xem being ace too is only mentioned once very briefly and is easily missed, but there was no way I was going to miss that. I wasn’t expecting any aspec rep, and I was fine with that, but for Salvador to be ace and Faith to be aro means so much to me as an ace arospec person!! I also really liked the main love interest, Nick, and I especially enjoyed his pov chapters and the greater understanding of both him and everything else that’s going on that this gives the reader. At the beginning, Nick and Benji have totally different priorities and this isn’t something that Benji fully grasps, so seeing Nick’s perspective of things at that point was needed and worked really well. The two of them also share a lot of really sweet moments, and their growing affection for each other was believable! I wish Nick had been a little more present than he was, though. Benji has a lot going on, so obviously his focus is often not on Nick, and then Nick only has three pov chapters in the whole book. We see him at the start when he’s distrustful of Benji, and we see him nearer the end when he regrets that distrust, but we don’t get to see his perspective of him going from A to B, and Benji doesn’t know about any of this while it’s happening. I was left with the feeling that earlier versions of the book had more written from Nick’s pov that have since been cut and I think that’s a shame. I could be totally wrong about that, but that’s the impression I got. I really liked Nick and Benji’s relationship! I just wish that it had a little more space. Nick is such a great character! Interestingly, one of the main antagonists, Theo, also got a single pov chapter, and I have complicated thoughts on that. It felt a little out of place, and I don’t think it was needed. I would’ve preferred another Nick chapter, if just because I need more of him in my life. Ultimately, I had a really great time reading this book, and would strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to read a strong, visceral horror with a queer cast, with the caveat that if any of the content warnings would be an issue for you then to proceed with caution. Thank you to Peachtree Teen and TBR and Beyond Tours for providing me with an e-arc and having me on this tour! You can see the rest of my tour stop here and the full tour schedule here!

HOW CAN WE GIVE UP

... with so many heartbeats joined with our own? RULES

Meta Rules

I am a disabled person. I go through bouts of being unable to be active or social. I have been struggling with this my entire life. I could list the things I think are important to talk about but I really don't think I have to justify things. If you want to know I will tell you. It greatly effects my ability to be social at times and my amount of energy. Please respect this. I try not to just vanish, but it can happen. I will always try to communicate when this happens. All I ask is to be treated with empathy and respect. I can say when this acts up, I can be prone to not great behaviors. I have been manipulated and hurt during these episodes. The best thing for me in these situations is to give me space. I need to protect myself during these times. I need to be alone. I am reluctant to be open because of past experiences. I know I cannot act rationally and can make stupid choices. I can become snippy or traumadump. I can allow people to walk on my boundaries during these periods. I have been manipulated multiple times to do and share things I am not comfortable with. I get incredibly anxious or hyper. The anxiety can turn into downright paranoia which is why I cannot handle vagueblogging and stuff during those times. I am not making excuses. I am just letting everyone know that I sometimes need space. I need patience. I may still write. But I will not be able to speak much ooc. It is not personal. But sometimes I just struggle. It is a struggle a lot of the time.

I try my best to tag triggers, so if you need something tagged let me know. By default I tag a lot of stuff but I can always miss things. Do not worry about requesting.

Sexism and racism will not be tolerated, you will be blocked. If you post anything transphobic, homophobic, or biphobic, I will block YOU

I can and will block if people make me uncomfortable.

I will never write incest. EVER. If you ship adult/minor ships or condone that stuff, do not interact.

If you constantly delete/move your blogs, I might be hesitant to interact with you.

I'm queer. I am genderfluid with a masc lean. Assigned female at birth. I have a zero tolerance policy about about hate toward lgbt+ people and misogyny. I will say something to you if it seems unintentionally done. But yeah.

I am incredibly uncomfortable around much of the following fandoms: final fantasy xvi , danganronpa, and baldur's gate 3. Still willing to follow or interact but I may be hesitant.

If you are friends with Jay/JJ or interact with him at all, do not interact. In fact, just block me. If you want details, you can DM me. I literally still scan every blog to see if i get even a whiff of him.

This isn't really relevant to this blog but it still needs to be said: due to personal reasons I am no longer comfortable doing smut rps.

Makoto/blog specific rules

I only adhere to the canon of main series games. These are: Persona 3/Reload, Persona 4/Golden, and Persona 5/Royal. I borrow inspiration from the P3 movies as well. No spin off games will be considered canon on this blog until further notice.

I am duplicate friendly and willing to rp with FEMC but it has to be plotted out. Without plotting at all, I am not comfortable interacting with her.

My Makoto was greatly influenced by death being inside of him which made many of his mental health issues worse, there is no way I can write him without this having happened to him. He would act like a different person.

Makoto engages in a lot of not great things. Be wary of suicide mentions, self harm, binge eating, and other bad behavior. I will always tag these but they do come up a lot so make sure you have the tags cw (tag) filtered if you need to.

Makoto is demisexual bordering on asexual.

I can use the name Makoto Yuki or Minato Arisato. I have been writing him long enough that I have used both. I love both names a lot. Do not stress about which name to use.

Interaction Rules

Asks can ALWAYS be replied to. Answers are always the best way to start threads with me.

All muses are crossover friendly and OC friendly.

Do not force me to ship or smut.

I'm mutuals only.

If you are a multi-muse and send an ask or like a starter call without specifying what muse you are sending from, I won't answer.

Shipping/Mains Rules

If you are a main or ship partner, I need to be able to kinda talk to you ooc. I only will be mains with someone who speaks with me ooc.

Mains and affiliates get priority.

If you become mains or start shipping with me and then never reply or talk to me, I'll remove you from my list. Shipping or being mains should be the start and not the end. That status is not a trophy to be put on your shelf. Exceptions can obviously be made and I'm always okay with low activity or extended breaks. I just ask for communication when possible.

I will typically not be exclusive.

Enjoy the Bumble Bee's

I had the urge to write again

I have a wee bit of anxiety sitting with me tonight, it's now August the 11th in the wee hours, actually it's the witching hour 12:35pm. Don't let the Americans fool you, it is traditionally midnight that's the witching hour because it's the time in-between the two days, between today and tomorrow, or yesterday and today depending on which side of the clock you are sitting on.

I saw an article about the Persied meteor shower it's peeking on Saturday, I so often miss them, I do remember seeing Hallie Bop's commit, but that was much easier to see.

I had a brief conversation with my singing teacher (who has many professional hats) and friend Petra about the looming energy crisis. She has very similar views to myself and mum, I mentioned how folk fiddling with energy meters and opening their chimneys to burn things for fuel may lead to a big rise in house fires, never mind the thrusting of millions more people into absolute poverty, the amount of houses that may be damaged due to damp and burst pipes.

Of course none of this is necessary, not even in the money isn't real way but in the we don't need to let people make this much money on the backs and lives of other people. However we have a Conservative government and have had for 12 years now so no sense or decency reigns.

I can not wait to get out of this union and back into Europe.

We are actually in the middle of a heatwave (again), France is on fire (again, or rather still) and so the climate crisis carries on at pace. It can all feel so bleak, I had a conversation with my friend Rowann and she simply can't bear to keep up with it all, in fact she has a slight phobia of her phone in general and I know she is not alone, many do, it's part of the curse of living in the social media age that many feel.

I can't imagine how much harder it is to grow up now, make one mistake and it's online forever, revenge porn, feuds within your community or indeed family, so much misinformation. I mean Polio is making a comeback!!! Polio, a disease that was thought of as something of the 1950's and it's not alone, rickets and measles and mumps too all because 1 quack doctor made up some shit about the vaccines relating to Autism in the 1990s.

I've also had a discussion with the solicitor about doing my power of attorney and my will, both are very important but do you want to know the sad thing, I don't have anyone but mum to put down as an executor. I could ask Rowann but that feels like I would be placing a burden on to her, I have no immediate family, I don't really know my cousins at all, I'm the youngest of the 4 of us and my friends all ran when I was mentally ill as a teen or disabled as an adult. I can assure you I cried for hours over the whole thing, when mum dies I will have no one, I'm on the Asexual scale so I haven't invested time seeking a partner and although I would like a family I have enough trouble keeping myself in one piece with the hEDS and now constant migraines, of the latter I am hoping it was a drug side-effect that will go now I have stopped the drugs but who knows man.

So yes, I feel like I am going to be very alone in this world, just me and the ghosts and I don't really think it's a world I want to live in, one where I am so lonely but to be honest I don't think about it at all really it stays locked away in my brain so I can enjoy my life as it is now. I had the box opened the other day and my god did it hurt, mind you I did have an interesting chat with the Solicitor about Aqaumation which he hadn't heard of before, not that we have that option in Scotland yet, or human composting. I would do either as long as I could have a grave stone, I want people to know I existed even if it only lasts a few hundred years.

Still, I keep myself busy with keeping an eye on politics and world news and I have been researching a bit about different funeral practices, particularly those in NOLA with what are now called Jazz funerals, although they predate Jazz, as I have some lovely Halloween skeletal musician ornaments that I picked up in T K Maxx and I wanted to add them to my theme of Dias de los muertos. A nod to the global celebrations that occur with both Hallow'Een and death in general. I always try to go for appreciation rather than appropriation so I do check my sources and do some reading on the topics.

I got to go to Leven groove park on Wednesday, which was lovely, it was hot but not too hot and I so love trees and parks and just a good walk through nature, it keeps me somewhat sane. The cats got out today which keeps us sane and they do enjoy being in the garden, I very much don't believe in letting cats roam though, house cats are the way of it. People used to throw dogs out the door too, although that's long been abandoned thankfully, now we need to keep our cats in, for their safety and the local ecology too.

It's astonishing how the mind changes as an adult the days are long but the months fly by and it never fails to trip me out. I will be planning Xmas soon.

One of mum's friends who is a doctor too, I don't remember if she is also a Psychiatrist or if she's a GP had said she was asked to pen a piece on positive mental health and was asking her friends what they would suggest, mum said there was the normal diet and exercise tripe that you see so she added "Take time to enjoy the Bumble Bees" and I quite agree, with all the things going on in the world it's important but even if we didn't live in such "Interesting Times" it's as important.

So many people are caught up in Materialism and Lookism and the diet and exercise and be a good little worker stuff that they forget they share a world with Bumble Bee's and worse still, don't recognise how lucky we are that we do.

I don't know if they have Bumblies in the void but I hope if anyone else ever reads this rambling that you appreciate them, as well as the clouds and the wildflowers and whatever other little wonders that exist in your small part of the world.

Signing out now cat, I have a book to read before bed. Simple pleasures eh, good night to all those in the void.

Trying to come to terms with my Aromantic orientation

Im 18, and like most people here I have never experienced any romantic or sexual attraction to anyone. For a long time I thought that id get ‘crushes’ and these weird 'butterfly feelings’ soon, maybe I was a late bloomer or something, but as soon as I got into Sixth Form I felt that something was off.

I remember back in school, when I was around 14, that everyone was getting into relationships. I even remember helping my friend confess to my other friend. From what I’ve seen from the media, romantic relationship is beautiful and amazing, so I wanted to make my friends happy. But then people started asking who I had a crush on, and I couldn’t respond. At the time I thought I was just too young to experience these feelings, especially since I was the youngest of my year, but I always assumed I was bi or Poly. In my mind since I never experienced attraction to anyone, it meant I must like anyone that way, gender wasn’t important, the person was.

I started looking at terms for who I was when I was around 16, and found the term asexual. I was accepting of it, Ive always hated the idea of sex, and I’m sex repulsed. At that point I still assumed I was poly. But later on, around my 18th birthday, I found the term aromantic, more specifically cupioromantic. And it broke me. In all the books I read and shows I watch the main characters always get together, and it looks amazing. Just someone to cuddle and hold hands with. Some one to tell me that they love me. Some one to sing and dance with. It was amazing to see. But to never experience this at all? I’ve never felt so isolated in my life. My heart completely broke. since I have social anxiety and depression, I thought being in a romanic relationship, or simply just having a crush on someone would trigger something in me to be better. Id have someone to be better for. But I can’t. I want to so badly it hurts. I feel like a freak. Like im cursed. I read about Queer Platonic Relationships, and as nice as that sounds I just want to experience love. I can’t even keep normal friends around me, let alone a friendship like that. I remember when my friend confessed his feelings to me. They are aesthetically pleasing, nice, smart and my only friend since school who stuck around. Ive never felt so scared in my life, and I rarely feel scared. It hurt to refuse him, I didn’t want to break his heart.Ever since I said no, he’s been distant. Why can’t I like him? Why can’t I like anyone? Why cant I be normal human being for once? The only person I’ve told is my father, and that’s only my asexuality. He was supportive, saying he felt the same. And in my head I blamed him, I felt awful for doing so but I do. Like he’s passed this curse onto me. I dont hate aromantic people or anyone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, in fact im incredibly supportive, but the fact I can’t love has really stuck with me. And I read somewhere that people on the aroace spectrum get more hate, get called broken and robotic. And that they are sometimes ostracised from the LGBTQ community. I dont want to be hated mote than I hate myself

Why can’t my heart be normal?

Pro-Heroes Headcanons

(Because they’re all complete disasters)

1) Hawks is the one that randomly crashes on everyone’s couches. They’re starting to think he has a schedule he follows that just says “who’s life am I going to invade today?”

2) they all have a group chat that Mirko made and she has Endeavor’s nickname set to “Endevowo” and he HATES it but can’t figure out how to change it. (No one is telling him and they have a bet to see how long it’ll take before his daughter takes pity on him)

3) Best Jeanist is the dad friend and whenever they get together he’s usually the designated driver for the rest of them.

4) Edgeshot has multiple fan accounts that document his chivalrous acts to the general population. These acts include, but are not limited to: posing for pictures, helping old people cross the street, helping cats out of trees, replacing children’s ice cream, giving out autographs, and letting children try on his scarf.

5) Endeavor, Kamui Woods, and Best Jeanist have a vow to keep Mt. Lady, Mirko, and Hawks apart at ALL COST. The chaos would be too much for the old men ( Enji and Jeanist) and the old man at heart (Kamui) to take.

6) Best Jeanist has a hairless cat named Cashmere and he LOVES that cat. He dresses her up in sweaters and has an Instagram account dedicated to her. His fans find it endearing that he loves his pet so much. Say something bad about Cashmere? Get ready to throw hands because Best Jeanist protects his baby.

7) Ryuku has a pet bearded dragon she named “Akuma” despite his name, Akuma is a sweetheart and will often be found on her shoulder when she is doing office work.

8) Mirko throws Hawks a birthday party every year and gets all the other pros (including her Underground Hero and Vigilante buddies) involved. Past years have included capture the flag with Tokyo as their playground and paintball. Aizawa got drug along by Hizashi and proceeded to get sniped in paintball by a cackling Mirko and Hawks. He had pink paint in his hair for a week.

9) On Holidays, the pros all get together to read their fan mail and open the gifts together. Mirko films it a lot and she will never forget the time that Edgeshot got a pink thong sent to him in the mail. His disgusted and puzzled face will live on in her camera for years to come.

Edgeshot: *holds up the pink thong* (quietly whispers, barely able to be heard) what the fuck?

Midnight: *cackling like a witch*

Edgeshot: oh god I hope they haven’t been worn-

Midnight: *more hysterical cackling*

10) One time, a fan got too obsessed and followed Hawks home. He called Best Jeanist because this woman was screaming in front of his apartment that she was going to marry him. Best Jeanist snuck in through the balcony and stayed with him in case the woman tried to break in. It was that moment that Best Jeanist had the realization “oh yeah. Hawks is only TWENTY THREE”. Hawks was scared to be alone for a month because of this woman. She went away one day and he has no idea why or how.

11) Ryuuku, Mirko, Midnight, and the other female pros have a get together once a month at a spa to catch up and bitch about how stupid their male colleagues can be.

Mirko: seriously! This bitch forgot his fucking phone, got caught in a fence, and somehow lost his shoe in a span of an HOUR!

Ryuuku, Ragdoll, and Midnight: hhmmm.

The rest: *concerned nodding*

12) Endeavor’s receptionist has an office cat named Brutus. It has three legs and maybe 1 brain cell but it doesn’t effect his receptionist’s productivity so he just lets it stay. Brutus, to Enji’s dismay, LOVES Enji and this man cannot get the damn thing to leave him alone. He’s not a cat person, he’s not an ANIMAL person. But Brutus loves him and the receptionist would cry if he made him get rid of Brutus.

So Brutus stays.

13) Fatgum invites everyone to his agency for a Christmas meal every year. Hawks always ends up spiking the punch but it’s fun to see a drunk Kamui Woods trying to corral a even drunker Mt. Lady into their car so it’s worth it.

Drunk Mt. Lady: RYU!! I HAVE YOUR SHOES!!!!! (Holds up pair of slip on flats)

Drunk Ruyku, waving a pair of heels: I HAVE YOURS!!!

(They switched shoes somewhere during the night)

14) During Pride Month, the pros often place their flags somewhere on their official hero outfits so their fans know that they have someone like them to look up to. The media went wild when a group of about twenty pros were at the Pride Parade with their flags draped over their shoulders.

15) they all troll the media and it’s hilarious. They’ve all sought to make the reporter’s lives living hell and it’s hilarious.

Some random ass reporter: Edgeshot-san!! Is it true that you’re asexual?! Following your recent updates on Instagram-

Edgeshot, just trying to enjoy his day: I’m not asexual. I’m Japanese.

16) Are kind of divided into the “older pros” (the older ones who have done it for a while) and the “younger pros” (the ones who are just starting out or are under the age of 35). They’re all a really tight-knit community though and if you mess with one of them you get all of them.

17) They all kind of shunned Endeavor for a while when the shit with his family came to light, but Hawks is the one who made them realize that he was trying to change for the better.

18) you don’t mess with kids. At all. ESPECIALLY with Hawks or Edgeshot. They are the protective big brothers of the pro-hero network and they WILL punt anyone who hurts a child on their watch to the sun. No questions asked.

19) People are surprised to see how much “fight me” energy Mirko actually has. Her and Hawks have a tradition where they just beat the shit out of each other whenever they see each other after a long time.

“QUEER”

First of all, let’s clear up a common misconception. Queer does not just mean gay. It’s an umbrella term for an identity which deviates from society’s perceived norm: heterosexual, or straight. Queer can refer to sexualities — gay, bisexual, pansexual, — or it can refer to being gender-queer; i.e, any label that deviates from the perceived gender norm: the binaries, male and female.

“Queer” is a reclaimed slur.

If you do not fall under the umbrella of queerness, it is safe to assume that you cannot use it. At all.

I am bisexual.

This means I experience attraction to plural genders. Pansexual also works fine. For the difference between bisexual and pansexual — see here:

Being bisexual isn’t easy. I went through similar hardships to gay women: I experienced attraction to women and was scared of what this meant for me, in such an oppressively homophobic society.

I am not saying being bisexual is harder than being gay, nor the inverse. But my experiences are distinctly bisexual, not gay.

Without further ado, here are the 3 things I’ve found to be the hardest about being queer, but not gay (enough).

#1: Finding My Place

Or, not being queer enough

I always knew I wasn’t straight, but I didn’t know what I was. Up until recently, I was still questioning. This didn’t feel enough to join groups or conversations with LGBT+ folk, let alone go to pride. Was I even LGBT if I was never L, G, B, or T?

I am still yet to attend a pride, even though I identify (fairly confidently) as bisexual. I am in a relationship with a man. This is (problematically) known as a “straight-passing relationship” and makes me feel even more undeserving of a place at pride.

This has been upsetting to me at times. But for others, it can be outright devastating. Growing up and needing support, but feeling like you’re ‘not gay enough’ to ask for it? So many young people are being left alone and afraid. Finding others like you is vital to figuring out who you are. Likewise, finding spaces which are safe and inclusive is vital for anyone, regardless of their sexuality or gender identity. A friend of mine happens to be a transgender man, and he summed up the issue perfectly:

“One thing that I keep noticing is how all hangout spots are “gay bars”, or (far less common) “lesbian bars”. I’m a straight man, so I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be there, but hanging out at regular bars is still too much of a gamble, so I don’t really have anywhere to go.”

It goes without saying that gay folk aren’t always safe in these spaces, as seen by the homophobic attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, in 2016. Bigotry hurts the entire LGBT+ community. Bigotry doesn’t stop to ask whether you identify as gay or otherwise queer before it pulls the trigger.

But the LGBT+ community itself is much more welcoming to those who “pick a side” and just come out as gay, already. The infighting is inexplicable when one looks to attacks such as that in Orlando: bigots don’t care which letter you are in the acronym. So why does gatekeeping exist when we need to be strong in the face of intolerance when fragmentation only makes us weaker? Who are we helping by continuing to exclude identities from the discussion?

#2: Myths and Misconceptions

Well, it stands to reason that if bisexuals are what they seem in TV and movies, why would anyone want to make them feel included? They’re “greedy” and inauthentic. They’re attention-seeking, not to mention their propensity for threesomes. Now, I haven’t been in a wild orgy yet, but it seems like it will only be a matter of time before I follow my natural path.

Straight men, in particular, need to own up to their assumption that bisexual women are down for a threesome. The thing is, we are. But not with you, you big ASSUMER.

Infidelity

All jokes aside, the stereotyping of bisexuals is not only hurtful, but leads to difficulties finding and maintaining relationships.

As I came to terms with my bisexuality, I also had to accept that I might never be fully trusted by my partner, regardless of their gender or sexuality. I was shocked when my partner reacted to my coming out with the equivalent of a shrug — so much so, that I burst into tears of gratitude that my soul-bearing moment hadn’t been met with slut-shaming or assumptions of disloyalty. Nothing has changed. If anything, our bond is even stronger for me having been more authentic after coming out.

But cruelty came from elsewhere: when I came out, I was told that my partner was to be pitied, either because I’m gay and in denial, or bound to cheat on him. The main consequence of such attitudes has been the crippling fear of coming out to my partner. It saddens me that I felt so relieved when he accepted me for being who I am, and loving him just the same as I always have.

This outcome is not the case for many couples, with straight folk worried that their bisexual partner will realise they’re gay and just leave them. This fear of abandonment comes from a place of ignorance. When the media presents bisexuality as a steppingstone on the way to “picking a team”, it’s no wonder that people struggle to trust their queer partners.

Other Queer Myths

The myth that all trans folk medically transition invalidates those who choose not to do so, and let’s not forget the ignorant jeers that it's all just a mental illness. Asexual folk battle the stereotype that they can never have a relationship and shall forever remain a virgin (because what an awful thing that would be, right?) And pansexuals… well, at the lighter end, they’re asked if they have sex with cooking utensils. But often, they’re erased as irrelevant because “we already have the label bisexual”.

This brings us onto the third and final difficulty that comes with queer folk who aren’t easily categorizable as gay: erasure.

#3: Erasure

Erasure refers to the denial of an identity’s existence or its validity as a label.

Non-binary folk face ongoing and loud claims that they simply do not exist. This is despite the historical and scientific evidence to the contrary. Plus, the most important evidence — them, existing. Asexual folk are told they simply have not found the right person yet, or that they are just afraid of sex. Demi-sexual folk are told “everyone feels like that, unless they’re just sleeping around!”. And bisexuals are dismissed as simply being in denial that they’re gay.

Monosexuality & The Gender Binary

Our culture is so built on monosexuality (being solely attracted to one gender — for instance, gay or straight). Monosexuality is reinforced through everything from marriage to dating apps, the media to what we teach in schools. People cannot fathom that someone might want to experience more than one gender in their lifetime.

The binary models of sex and gender are also deeply ingrained. These rigid belief systems combined are to blame for our inability to accept that bisexuals do not need to “pick a side”. I was paralysed by fear for 17 years because I found girls attractive and that might mean I’m gay, because bisexuals are just gays who haven’t realised they’re gay yet.

Bierasure

Bierasure is dangerous, firstly because it leads a child to have to internalise both biphobia and homophobia. For instance, I had to work through being taught to hate gayness, whilst being taught that any attraction to non-male genders made me gay.

Women were cute, and so I was gay, and this meant I was disgusting.

My own mother told me this. She also told me that something has “gone wrong in the womb” for a child to be gay. (Well, Mum, I’ve got some bad news about your womb!)And she, like any bigot, extended this theory to anyone who experiences same-sex attractions — anyone queer. This is another reason why bi-erasure is perilous. Whether you’re a gay, cis-male or a demi-bisexual, trans woman… if your parents will kick you out for being gay, they will likely kick you out for being any sort of queer.

If we deny the bigotry that bisexuals undergo, we will continue to suffer. It won’t just go away. It will fester, with bisexuals having no one they can go to who believes them. And thus:

Erasure Kills

Bullying and suicide rates of queer-but-not-gay people continue to sky-rocket. We must direct funding, support and compassion to every queer individual, as they are all vulnerable to discrimination and bullying. The problem is being left to fester. This is in part because bigots treat all queer labels as just ‘gay’, deeming them equally unworthy. This is how far erasure can go.

Conclusion

Earlier on, I stated that my experiences are distinctly bisexual. The same applies to any queer identity.

Emphasising our differing paths and struggles is important to avoid the aforementioned erasure of already less visible groups. But this does not mean that the LGBT+ community should be fragmented by these differences.

If we can unite in our hope to live authentically and love freely, we will be stronger against bigotry. We are fighting enough intolerance from without: there is no need to create more from within.

So out of everything, what’s the hardest part about being bisexual?

It’s the fact that nobody knows it’s this hard.

Good evening tma fans I’m back with more ace jonmartin content (that is also posted to AO3). Set during the safehouse because it’s good for Conversations. Have at thee:

Jon loves Martin. He has for so long now that it feels like it’s always been the truth, like if you were to go back to the start of the world, there would lie a stone with two names carved side by side, belonging there even millennia before their existence. It feels like a fact etched into his very bones, so deeply grounding that the force of it alone was enough to tear through the veil of fog and supernatural loneliness and bring him out unscathed, and with his prize. Orpheus reversed. A love stronger than Loneliness. A truth imprinted on his heart. Jon loves Martin.

And Martin knows, too. He saw the way Jon felt about him, the way he knew him with such love, the way he remembered him so thoroughly it was able to bring him back to himself after months of nothingness. He knows the curtain of the Lonely doesn’t part for just anyone. And then, of course, Jon has taken his hand and held it to his chest and wept his affections not a day later, when the tide finally broke and all of his despair and trust came tumbling out at once, and Martin’s still fog-rimmed eyes spilled over with tears and they held each other as confession after confession poured from each of them. Jon had told Martin he loved him so many times his throat had hurt, and Martin had held him so tightly his arms had shaken. Jon loves Martin, and Martin loves him in return, just as fiercely. Being loved is slowly starting to come naturally to Martin again.

The point is, though, that Jon loves Martin. And Martin knows. Which means at some point, they are going to have to talk about It.

Jon has avoided talking about It for years. He talked about it with Georgie, of course. She had been the one to help him gather more words to describe it. Asexual, sex repulsed, uninterested, etc.

It hadn’t always mattered, though. Not everyone was willing to care about something they saw as trivial, something he was still desperately trying to convince himself wasn’t trivial. And there were always the rare few who saw it as a challenge. Some days, the hope that he would be fully respected and loved for who he was seemed like a lost cause.

But he knows better now. He knows himself well enough to be certain, even these days, when grasping onto his very humanity feels like trying to drink from a mirage. He is certain about this, though. This has been long, long something he’s known about himself; a truth that he will acknowledge as nothing but the truth. A part of him. It is something to be proud of. Something he deserves to be loved for. And it is also something he very much so needs to communicate with Martin.

It hasn’t really come up yet, not since their frantic packing and desperate drive all the way to Scotland, Jon clinging onto the passenger assist grip as Martin does his best to get them there quickly, and then their exhausted unpacking in the safehouse, and the emotionally draining last few days they’ve had. It’s overwhelming, being in each other’s constant company, in a way that largely feels utterly mundane.

They gather groceries together at the shop, brush hands over plates at the sink, curl up together to ward off the nightmares in bed, do their best to clean every inch of the house they can reach, and try to acclimatize to each other as the days continue. Martin is still breaking himself into connection; sometimes halting too sharply in his words, sometimes forgetting to speak for hours at a time, shifting invisible when he gets distracted enough, and Jon is still hesitant, not quite sure what to do to make it better, not quite sure if a false step will make it worse. He’d go back into the Lonely for Martin a thousand times if it meant saving him, but he doesn’t want Martin to lose himself again. Most times, Martin is as vibrant as his early days at the institute, but on others Jon still catches whiffs of the sterilized smell of the Lonely in Martin’s wake. Those times, his hands always linger on Martin’s as they brush. Every moment has been full of comfort, of the reassurance that they are both still there, of light topics, and of forgiveness when it is needed.

Jon loves Martin. He wants Martin to know. There just hasn’t been the right chance for it yet.

He’s convinced himself to just let it come up naturally whenever Martin is free enough of the fog to let himself sink into open affection, but, as it turns out, he needn’t have agonized about it.

It’s a good day for Martin, today. He’s been talkative, warm, and his eyes are shining with that look that’s so hopelessly earnest and alive it makes Jon’s heart want to beat entirely out of his chest. They’ve taken the day to trade questions and answers over cooking and cleaning and relaxing, and now, as Martin slides tonight’s meal into the oven, he decides the questions aren’t quite over. 

“So, Jon,” Martin begins from the kitchen, in a tone that’s so genuinely casual it's almost surprising. “What are your thoughts on sex?”

Jon blinks in utter surprise, torn away from his book with a start as the words register in his head. His traitorous stomach drops out of habit. Oh, Christ. Is this it? Are they doing this now? Is he ready for this? His hands hesitate over the page he’s bookmarked with his thumb, not sure if this is just going to be a simple answer, or if Martin means this as a gateway to a full conversation about the topic. “L-Like, in general?”

“I mean, there was gossip at the Institute,” Martin offers apologetically, ducking his head and wiping his hands on a towel. He looks slightly sheepish from where Jon can see him. “Some talk about you and Basira awhile back, for a bit, and later Melanie mentioned something about you just not, but both of those were, y’know, gossip, and I just realized I’ve never actually asked you personally what your feelings were on the matter, so… yeah. In general.” As he rambles, he makes his way over to the couch where Jon is sitting, bending down to rest his arms on the back of it. His face is open and curious, but not oppressively so. Jon has to fight the familiar urge to set all thought and action aside to simply stare at him. 

Jon instead puts his book off to the side and inhales. This is a conversation that deserves his full attention.

“Well,” he fumbles for a place to start. He hasn’t perfected a speech, doesn’t have all the proper sources planned, but he might as well start by giving Martin the honesty he deserves; the kind Jon has been preparing for. “I… suppose generally opposed? I-I mean, not for-“ He bites back the word “normal” as he stutters over his explanation, trying not to feel like he’s pulling his own teeth as he speaks. His own words feel somehow foreign to him, even more so these days, but for Martin, he’s trying. “Not for other people, I mean, but for me? I’m really just not interested. Too much …touching and exposure and- and noises? Not to mention all the expectations it comes with. Honestly, it… sounds kind of dreadful.”

Martin makes a small noise of attentiveness. “Never tried it, then?”

Jon goes sort of cold, all over, a bone deep chill curling deep inside his gut, and he has to manually force himself to unfreeze and choose his words carefully. “I have not. And I can’t quite say I’d have any interest in doing so.” His tone is clipped, defensive, and cold. He tries to keep himself from glaring out of habit.

“Why do you sound so—“ Martin’s tone starts teasing, and then breaks off as he catches a glance of Jon’s terrified expression and his eyes widen. “OH!! Oh, no, I wasn’t- sorry, that came out wrong. I was just curious to sort of… compare experiences, I wasn’t implying any sort of… no.” He waves a hand as if to physically dismiss Jon’s anxiety. “Never having tried it is fine. Good, even! Good on you for knowing your boundaries. I’m happy for that.” He rambles. “That’s wonderful. Sorry.”

Jon flushes slightly in embarrassment that he misread the tone, but his chest loosens a bit. No one has ever told him that before, and it feels… nothing short of radical. Safe. “It’s- it’s alright, Martin.” Jon drums his fingers against the book cover resting against his belly for a moment, his thoughts shifting to wonder what the point to the conversation is if not to… well… he shoos away theories. This is Martin, he can just ask. “What do you mean ‘compare experiences’?” He sits up more, now curious himself. “Martin, do you… what are your thoughts on it? Sex, I mean. In general.” It always comes out sounding much more academic than he intends, and he pursues his lips against his own pronunciation, even though Martin doesn’t seem to notice. 

Martin blinks a bit. “Oh! Hm. Well, it’s— I suppose a bit complicated? I dunno.” He rubs a hand over the back of his head, brushing through the regrowing hair at the nape of his neck. “If it makes the other person happy then, yeah I’m all for it, but it’s more of just… an activity to me, I guess? Never really been quite my favorite one either, to be perfectly honest.” The chuckle he gives sounds just shy of self-depreciating, and Jon finds himself reaching a hand up to catch Martin’s for reassurance. Martin takes it, gives a slight squeeze. “That’s not to say that I’ve had a bad experience, necessarily? I just… I’d rather be closer in other ways.” He shrugs, and his eyes drop. “Feels kind of weird, honestly. Knowing I’ve done it. I mean, I always figured I’m not really the kind of person you’d assume to be having it, and I’m fine with that. I dunno.”

The loosening thing in Jon’s chest unfurls completely, melting into affection. “Oh, Martin.” He hesitates, thinking, before looking up and giving Martin a very curious look. “You’re… like me, aren’t you?”

Martin looks up and meets his eyes dead on, as a small, shy smile pulls at his lips, his eyes going warm and soft before he ducks away, somewhat hiding his face. “Yeah, I think so.”

Jon loves Martin.

“What’s…” Jon’s face flushes, but he’s already spoken the first word aloud, and he doubts his curiosity will allow him to back out, so he clears his throat and continues on. “You said you’d rather be closer to people in o-other ways?” He fidgets with the hem of his shirt. “What might those be?”

Martin squishes his face in that adorable way he does when he’s thinking, lips pressing together in a little motion that Jon can’t help but find hopelessly endearing. “I guess… doing things for people? Something to let them know that you really see them,” his eyes dart to Jon for a half a moment as he says that, before continuing on. “or… I dunno. Activities together? Spending time with someone is always nice. And…hugs, honestly.” He laughs at himself, but Jon is listening intently. “I know that sounds kind of silly, I know, but…”

“It’s not silly,” Jon interrupts, pushing himself up into a standing position, a look of softness coming across his face as he latches onto an idea and softens with everything in him. “In that case, Martin, can I…?” He’s standing up from the couch, and walking around to the back, arms opening in a hesitant invitation. Martin’s eyes widen, and then soften.

“Oh, sure. Yeah, of course.”

Jon loves Martin. He wants to show him in all the ways he can, and so Jon wraps his arms around Martin, one hand reaching up to stroke through his hair, fingers catching on his curls, while the other pulls his chest tight with Jon’s, heartbeats resonating in sync. Martin’s hands come to rest on the small of Jon’s back, and, despite his height, he exhales slowly in relaxation.

He fidgets after a second, signaling the polite time for an embrace to end, but Jon just wraps his arms around him tighter, pressing his nose into Martin’s neck, and running his hand through his hair until Martin finally stops waiting for it to end, and lets himself relax into it. His arms loosen around Jon’s waist, but he drops his head against Jon’s shoulder, and Jon does everything he can to make Martin feel wrapped up in the enormity of his own affection. Martin lets out a sigh into his shoulder, and Jon’s heart swells in its lopsided rib cage. He wishes he could replace the missing ribs with Martin, to keep him closer to his heart, or better yet, to do away with the whole thing altogether, and simply trust Martin to take his chest in his hands.

Safe. He wants to keep Martin safe. And he trusts Martin to keep him safe as well. He drags a hand over his back, trying to fit as much protectiveness he can into the gesture. You are so loved, he wants it to say. Nothing can hurt you. There’s no expectations in the embrace, no pressure or next step. It’s just this moment, just heartbeats, just Jon making space for Martin in his arms. It’s perfect.

“This is nice.” Martin murmurs, nothing more than a soft exhale, and Jon loves him more than he knows how to understand.

prompt request: JMart angst/hurt/comfort "you're not broken" + "i love you, no matter what your brain tells you"

Hey there friend! As requested, here is your prompt. I made it into a sort of season one/two au where Jon and Martin have already been dating. Hope you like! It can be a stand alone piece, but it is also the second in a series, the first of which is here: The Art of Conversation

“I was thinking…”

“As you do.”

Jon fixed Martin with a scowl. “Perhaps we could- that is, if you want-wouldyouliketospendthenightatmine?” 

“You’ll have to try again, love. Didn’t quite catch that.”

Jon sighed in the face of Martin’s open fondness as they strolled down the street, making their way back from lunch. Martin brought a happiness to his life that he never thought possible- a companionship built on mutual respect and love. He enjoyed every night he spent in Martin’s cozy flat, curled up on the couch drinking tea and talking about everything and nothing at all. That’s not to say they didn’t have their troubles- Martin was rather inexperienced with intimate relationships, and Jon didn’t have the greatest track record when it came to communication. But Martin held his hand the night he stuttered out his asexuality, patient and loving and kind. Jon wasn’t ashamed of who he was, never had been- but he knew that for others it was considered a deal breaker. He’d heard stories. But Martin nodded, thanked him for trusting him with his boundaries, and let him curl back into his side, as if it changed nothing.

If he could handle that, than why, for fuck’s sake, was he so worried about having Martin over?

His flat wasn’t that bad. In actuality, it was quite a bit bigger than Martin’s. He wasn’t dirty, he usually kept up with chores, kept it relatively tidy.

But there was something so intimate about it- there was a reason he never hosted any events. Martin saw glimpses of it when he picked him up for things, but he’d never actually been inside. It was just so...barren. Void of anything Jon-like. Sure, it housed his possessions, his favorite books, his grandmother’s salvageable furniture. But it was a peek into his mind that he didn’t like others seeing. What if the way he lived was wrong? What if he didn’t have the right things? Like the little things that Martin had- a proper strainer for loose-leaf tea, little jars of spices for cooking, a towel-rack instead of a plastic hook on the wall. A nice bed frame and headboard, a worn but cozy duvet. In comparison, Jon lived like a freshly-graduated college student. He should have his shit together by now, right?

But every time he thought of making it a bit more homey and lived-in, his mind blanked. Where were the lists of all the things you need to make a home yours? What would look best on the walls? And what if he bought all of those things and it just looked awkward, like puzzle pieces forced in the wrong place? So he kept his mismatched furniture and odd little piles of books. It’s easier to stick with what you know.

But it was about time he had Martin over- the man had accepted him in every possible way, this couldn’t be the thing that would make or break their relationship. That didn’t make it any easier, though.

“Would you like,” he started again, taking a deeper breath. “To spend the night at mine on Saturday?” That would give him enough time to prepare, it was only Wednesday. “I could- I dunno, fix dinner, we could watch that movie you wanted to see? Or whatever, really. I don’t mind.”

Martin beamed a bright, shining smile that always made Jon’s heart flutter when it was aimed his way. “I’d love that, Jon! I’ll bring over some wine, we’ll make a night of it.” His arm wound around Jon’s waist, bringing him closer. “Fix you an omelette in the morning.”

“With the green peppers?”

“Of course. Oh! We could go for a morning stroll; you’ve got that lovely park by your house, yeah?”

“Mhm.” It was nice seeing Martin so excited. His anxiety eased, though he still felt the need to qualify. “It’s- well, it’s not the nicest place, but I keep it clean and-”

“Jon,” Martin’s elbow nudged his side, and he bent down to give him a quick peck on the cheek. “Any place is nice if it’s got you in it.”

“Sap,” Jon rolled his eyes even as his face flushed red. 

He could probably do this. Right?

______

Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

Jon was twitchy and nervous the rest of the week, his mind spiraling as he considered every situation, even the most ridiculous. Martin’s not going to care if your flat is ugly. Martin’s going to take one look inside and suggest going back to his. Martin will like your cooking. It’s perfectly serviceable. Martin’s going to spit it out and-

“You alright there, boss?”

Jon jumped at the sound of Tim’s voice, almost dropping the mug he’d been preparing to wash. “Christ, Tim! Announce yourself next time, please.”

“That was me announcing myself,” he hopped up on the counter, giving him an easy smile. “What’s going on? You’ve been in your head all week.”

“I have not.”

“You asked me about the Ling statement twice today. It’s Friday. I finished researching it on Monday.”

Well then.

Jon sighed, putting the mug in the sink and turning to face Tim’s friendly concern. “It’s- hm. I’m having Martin at mine tomorrow, and- well, I’m a bit nervous.”

“Aw, that’s sweet.” Jon dodged the condescending pat to the back. “Seriously, that’s adorable. What’s there to be nervous about? You’ve been dating for three months, and pining for much more besides that.”

Jon’s hands gripped the counter with a renewed force. “I just want everything to be okay. I want him to think I’m a fully-functional human being, not someone who panics over having his boyfriend over. We’re always at his place, he’s always cooking for me. He deserves- he deserves everything.”

Tim hopped off the counter, face suddenly serious. “Jon, you’re quite literally Martin’s everything. It’s sickening with you two, honestly. You’ll be fine.” He threw an arm around his shoulder and Jon allowed it, just this once. “Now, what’re you cooking?”

“Well, there’s this pasta dish he loves at the Italian place on Third,” Jon began, his hands fidgeting nervously. “But it’s a bit...difficult to cook. I found a few recipes and I think I can recreate it, it’s just going to take some time and I’ve never worked with some of the ingredients and I might not have the right dishes for it and I don’t want to just substitute things-”

Tim cut off his rant. “That all sounds really lovely, but why don’t you just stick with something you know? That penne you brought to Sasha’s potluck last year- now that was good. And Martin liked it, right?”

“Well, yes,” Jon bristled. “But you think I can’t do it? It’s just a recipe, I should be able to follow basic instructions, I’m not stupid-”

“I didn’t say that, Jon,” Tim grabbed his shoulders and steered him into a seat. “I just think if you’re already this nervous about having him over, maybe you should minimize the stress, yeah? Lighten the load.”

“I can’t,” Jon argued. “I already bought all of the ingredients- I can’t just let them go to waste. I can do this.”

“Well, that’s the spirit!” Tim put a hand on his shoulder as Jon slumped over, leaning into the table. “Look, it’ll go over fine. Stop worrying. Martin will love whatever you make because you made it, alright? And if you need help, just give me a call. I’m not so bad in the kitchen myself, y’know.”

“Tim, you once set the toaster oven on fire because you left a cheese toastie in there for two hours.”

“Fuck’s sake, you set an oven on fire one time and no one lets you forget it-” 

_______

The day arrives without much fanfare, besides a text from both Sasha and Tim declaring that “he had this!” and to “relax, it’ll go great!” Tim wasn’t very good at keeping secrets.

And of course, a text from Martin.

Looking forward to tonight :) Love you!

He straightens up his apartment and then un-straightens it when it looks too clean. He moves furniture to make it more centered, he studies the recipe a couple more times so when four o’clock hits he’ll be ready to start cooking. It’ll be on the table by six, right when Martin’s supposed to arrive. And everything will be fine. Everything will be fine.

But his books look wrong today. Messy, ugly, no sort of order. There are little piles and big piles. Even the ones on the bookshelf look bad somehow. He’s got authors and genres all mixed up. It looks stupid, laughable. Jon’s got to fix this.

He starts unloading them one by one, first in alphabetical order then later by genre, because that makes more sense, right? He switches them back to alphabetical after much consideration- that’s the easier one, of course. But then he gets online, sees all of these nice color-coded displays and wouldn’t that look nice on his bookshelf? He grabs the older, leather-bound books he keeps in his bedroom and brings them out to the sitting area. Now these should be displayed, these look nice. But then there’s no room left over and he’s surrounded by paperbacks he couldn’t find room for and Christ the place is a mess-

And then the doorbell rings.

Fuck. Fuck!

Of course Martin would get here early. Martin always shows up at least fifteen minutes early, but two hours is kind of pushing it. Maybe he wanted to surprise Jon with something, Martin’s very kind like that. Jon opens the door, hands shaking.

Martin’s standing there, looking flustered and harried. “Sorry I’m late!” he begins, giving Jon a kiss on the cheek and a quick hug. Late? “The trains were running slow again and I practically sprinted down the street- hope I didn’t mess up your plans, love!”

Jon looks down at his phone, dumbfounded. It’s six thirty. 

It’s six thirty and there’s no dinner on the table. It’s six thirty and his living room’s a mess, books everywhere. It’s six thirty and Martin’s going to be so, so disappointed.

“Jon? Is everything alright?” He can barely make out Martin’s voice as his head swims; his arms wrap around his torso and dig into his body and all he can mumble is apologies.

“Sorry- I’m- fuck, I’m so stupid, I’m-”

“Hey, hey,” Martin’s voice immediately goes into that low, soothing tone that he uses whenever Jon’s upset. Whenever Jon makes everything about him when it should be about Martin for once. “None of that, now. Let’s go sit down, yeah?’ Martin immediately sets down his bag and his- oh God, he’s brought flowers and now Jon’s crying and everything’s wrong.

Martin’s steering him over to the couch with infinite care sits beside him, putting a hand on his knee and the other on his cheek, wiping his tears. It’s a gesture Jon loves but doesn’t deserve today. “It’s alright love, don’t cry. I’m here.”

“You’re- you’re here and I didn’t - I didn’t fix anything and nothing’s right, I’m so sorry-” Jon is well aware his words are barely intelligible, but that hardly matters now. Not five seconds in and he’s already ruined the night with his stupid, broken brain that just can’t fucking focus.

“You’re not broken, Jon,” He must have said the words aloud because now Martin’s got his face in his hands and is trying to make eye contact with him. “Don’t say that about yourself. You know it’s not true.”

“But it is,” Martin has to see that. What grown man can’t keep a schedule? What kind of adult loses three hours to a failed attempt at organizing books? Martin’s going to realize how messed up he is and he’s going to leave and Jon’s going to be alone again. “You- you deserve so much more than someone who can’t e-even make you dinner, can’t do one simple thing-”

“Jon, don’t- don’t say things like that. I know what I deserve, alright?” Martin pulls Jon to his chest and the pressure is good, stabilizing. “I love you, no matter what that brain of yours tells you. Okay?” He can only nod as the words bring on a fresh round of tears and he buries his face in Martin’s jumper.

It feels like hours before he calms down under Martin’s soothing hands and warm voice. He reluctantly pulls away to look the man in the eye. He deserves an apology that isn’t a breakdown. “I’m- I’m really sorry, though,” he sniffs, trying to keep his emotions in check. “It’s just- you’re always cooking for me and doing nice things and I wanted to pay you back.”

Martin’s brow furrows and Jon’s afraid he’s said the wrong words. “It’s not about paying me back, Jon. I cook for you because I want to, not because I have to. I like- well, it’s nice to finally have someone who appreciates it.”

Jon’s aware of Martin’s tempestuous relationship with his mother- he’s never brought Jon along on his visits, though he says that’s more to spare Jon than it is any judgment on their relationship. “She’s absolutely horrid sometimes, Jon. You don’t deserve that,” he said.

“Well, neither do you, Martin.” Jon never liked seeing Martin cry, though he insisted these were happy tears.

“You’ve got a lot of ingredients over there,” Martin murmurs, casting an appreciative eye over at the counter. “What were you planning on making?”

He pulls up the recipe on his phone, reluctantly handing it over to Martin. “I don’t think it would’ve turned out well, but I know how much you loved it when we-”

“When we went there on our first date,” Martin finishes. His eyes are watering- is he crying? “I’m sorry, it’s just- that’s so thoughtful, I think that might be the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

“Martin,” Jon says incredulously as he winds his arms around the man’s neck. “I didn’t even make it.”

“It’s the thought that counts, Jon!” His voice is nasally and tight. 

“Don’t- don’t cry Martin-”

“I can’t help it!”

“You’re going to make me cry again-” Martin chuckles at this and leans back on the couch, taking Jon with him in a mess of tears and laughter.  “What a pair we make.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way, love. Maybe we can make it together, yeah? Bond n’ all that.”

“That sounds nice,” Jon’s response is muffled by Martin’s jumper. “Would require getting up, though.”

“We’ve got some time. This couch is heavenly- you’ve been holding out on me, Sims.”

Later that night, after a few mishaps but an all-around good dinner, he’s back on the couch and back in Martin’s arms. He runs his fingers through Jon’s hair, a touch that quiets his brain for the first time all week. 

As it turns out, the only thing his flat was missing was someone to share it with.

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27354958

Next in Series:

My Dearest

The Weight of Love

what are your thoughts on La Squadra's sexualities?

First off, Happy Pride Month! Please have a safe one. Before I start, I just want to let you guys know that I’m a straight cisgender woman so I’m not 100% knowledgeable on sexualities so these are based on my current knowledge of the community. I’m open to all head-canons about La Squadra’s sexualities besides my own :)

Sorbet and Gelato are gay, both using he/him pronouns, and are the most out compared to everyone in the team. Even though La Squadra knew about their relationships, the two themselves aren’t open about it outside of the team and their families. This is especially because relationships can be used against you in the crime world but also because their families rely on them to have a “good reputation” to live comfortably. I head-canon that they are both breadwinners of their families: Gelato has siblings that go to very conservative, academic institutions and rely on scholarships that look into family history for recommendations, and Sorbet’s mother requires medical attention from reputable doctors that also have homophobic biases that can be used against her. They’ve secretly used some of their money to help a street kid or two that they learned was disowned after being outed or assassinated a few people for hurting kids for being part of the LGBTQ+ community or even preying on them. The two men probably both went through phases where they thought they only liked women, tried to be in heterosexual relationships, and their enemies-to-lovers type of relationship had probably stemmed from their inability to properly process their attraction to each other at the time.

Formaggio is bisexual and prefers using he/him pronouns; he has a stronger attraction to women but is unaware that he’s attracted to men as well. A big part of why he’s so unaware or in denial of it came from his conservative upbringing in a working-class family and lack of representation growing up. Formaggio knew that men can be attracted to other men, but other aspects of the LGBTQ+ community is either unknown to him or seen in a negative perception; he’s learning more about the community and how to be a better ally, especially after meeting Sorbet and Gelato, but he’s still struggling to reverse the anti-LGBTQ+ sentiments he grew up believing. As a result of his past, Formaggio assumed that one can only be attracted to one gender and never crossed his mind that people can be attracted to more than one. He often tries to hide his attraction to men via “straight guy who’s unaware he’s gay occasionally spits homophobic jokes and says ‘no homo’ every time he says "I love you" to his friends but he means full homo” approach.

Illuso is pansexual and gender fluid, preferring he/him/they/them pronouns most of the time but also likes using neo-pronouns and occasionally prefers to use she/her pronouns. As a former intern for a fashion designer before he joined La Squadra, he’s relatively more exposed to meeting different people in the LGBTQ+ community through fashion; those who were higher in status and power would be more out about it than those in lower ranking and the community was a huge source for avant-garde, counter-culture influences. Despite getting more inspiration for his designs from his interactions and developing his identity in the LGBTQ+ space, that also led to him witnessing discrimination, abuse, and powerplay caused by the higher-ups; some became victims simply because of rumors that they may be part of the LGBTQ+ community or being forcibly outed, some are forced into relationships in exchange for opportunities and privileges, etc. He remains closeted and part of his arrogance stems from him hiding his sexuality due to the trauma of enduring the abuse and witnessing it as well. La Squadra doesn’t know his sexuality or know that he’s genderfluid, but they’re fine with adapting to his pronouns whenever they change.  

Pesci is unaware that they’re gay and are non-binary that prefers they/them pronouns. Although they try to stick to he/him pronouns to avoid being out, they like using they/them more and get secretly happy when someone refers to them as such. I head-canon that they’re actually younger than Giorno when they encountered Team Bucciarati, which would explain why he never killed anyone up until this point (they’re a literal kid that’s slowly getting involved in the team when Sorbet and Gelato were killed, albeit they’re on the buffer side despite their age), and with their sheltered childhood and Prosciutto’s strict mentorship, they never got to sit down and think about their sexual and gender identity. They often try to pretend they’re a macho straight man alongside Formaggio but they end up feeling bad about it after trying to say a bad comment or joke to fit in. Pesci themselves feel like they’re alone in terms of the emotions of not being able to put your sexuality into words. It doesn’t help that they’re rather isolated compared to everyone except Risotto; they only knew La Squadra as their family ever since they joined the team and they never talk to anyone outside of the group.

Prosciutto is bisexual and genderfluid, preferring to identify with he/him pronouns, but he’s also the most closeted and probably has the most internalized homophobia as well. Growing up in the entertainment industry, especially in acting, means adhering to heteronormative standards; controversies of any kind would make or break a career and he constantly heard homophobic statements “disguised” as critiques around him from all levels of the entertainment industry. The fact that he was overworked up until his “career retirement” also didn’t give him the time to sit down and realize both his sexuality and how fucked up the film industry is in terms of its treatment towards the LGBTQ+ community. With his upbringing of being presentable and hiding his sexuality, he tries to present himself in the most Italian metrosexual straight machismo man he could and uses his “gentleman charms” towards women to avoid people from questioning further about his sexuality. But at the end of the day, he knows he’s lying to himself about his sexuality. And unfortunately, his anger at being unable to express that is often misdirected.

Melone is demi-sexual, though he presents himself as asexual and panromantic, and prefers using any pronouns. Like his teammates, he prefers using he/him for his safety. As a former scientist, he learned and got to know about the LGBTQ+ community through a more scientific perspective, but also knew there are hidden homophobic biases in the science community as well. Still, he does his best to be an ally for his peers before realizing he is demisexual and panromantic. His sexuality allows him to view the incubation and child-rearing aspect of his Stand without emotions or feelings involved and further explains how he views fornication and training his Juniors in a very scientific and analytical way without guilt taking over. Despite presenting himself as ace/straight (mostly for safety and because it’s easier to explain that he has no attraction to people than being a demisexual), I also see someone who yearns to have a strong emotional connection to someone and would give his all to the person he loves most. His overtly sexual nature is more of an act (I've heard that some aces tend to act overtly sexual, either to avoid being outed or as a result of growing up thinking that need to feel an attraction is necessary) and Melone secretly desires being attracted to someone he learns to trust, admire, and love over time. I have a backstory that plays into that but I might disclose it another time. ;)

Ghiaccio is on the same boat with Prosciutto in terms of having internalized homophobia due to his childhood career as a child athlete. At the time he was training to be an Olympic hopeful as a solo figure skater, Ghiaccio was born female and had to remain in the closet due to the conservative nature of the ice skating world and his step-father being notorious for his opinions favoring homophobia and sexism. Once he joined La Squadra, Ghiaccio began experimenting with himself and ultimately came out as transgender, presenting himself with he/him pronouns, and had been using testosterone ever since. Most members that joined after him only knew Ghiaccio as male while the other members are either indifferent about his gender or are involved in helping Ghiaccio transition to be male. Transitioning also helped him realized he was aromantic and gay, which provided him closure from the years of struggle he had trying to fit into the heteronormative expectations he thought he had to conform to when he was female. The effect of testosterone also explains his brash and short-tempered nature, although that stems more from him finally being able to express himself after years of repressing his emotions as a child.

Risotto is also aromantic and asexual, preferring he/him/they/them pronouns, although he doesn’t know that he is aro/ace, to begin with. Growing up, he never really cared when he heard his older relatives or adults making comments about how “he’d make a good husband” or “have the girls chase him”, because all he cared about was his family and friends. He just assumes that once he becomes a “big boy”, then he’ll have thoughts of wanting to get married like the fairytales say. Just let his future spouse have children with him in any way and he'll play the role of husband regardless. Since his cousin’s death, he gave up the idea of having any sexual or romantic interest in anyone. Why to go out of your way to find any relationship when they’ll be dead soon enough- that was Risotto’s logic. He’s not aware that he can define himself as aro/ace, he just assumes that the trauma he went through with his cousin’s death stops him from feeling any attraction and doesn’t make an effort to figure out why.  

Wizards Hearts Recs: Angst

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 remember me by hupsoonheng Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  31082 Tags: Amnesia, Temporary Amnesia, Obliviation, Established Relationship, Established Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Legilimency, Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Reformed Draco Malfoy, POV Draco Malfoy, Good Draco Malfoy, Gardens & Gardening, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, POV Harry Potter Summary:  On a chilly day in October, Draco kisses Harry goodbye before he goes on yet another dangerous, undercover mission with the Aurors. And then Harry doesn't come back. Only Draco believes that Harry isn't dead, and pours himself into finding his husband despite his friends' pleas to move on and grieve properly. What he finds at the end of that work, though, is not at all what he wanted. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 you've got the antidote for me by Kandakicksass Rated:  Mature Words:  20730 Tags: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soul Bond, Red String of Fate, Heavy Angst, Terminal Illnesses, Major Illness, Angst with a Happy Ending Summary:  When Harry Potter unintentionally severs their soulbond before it can fully form, Draco Malfoy resigns himself to a slow death and decides not to burden Harry with a soulmate he's made it very clear he doesn't want. He's never been selfless before, but for Harry, he can try. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Every Breath You Take by hephaestiions Rated:  Mature Words:  19252 Tags: Major Character Death, Death (Harry Potter), Suicide, Child Death, Miscommunication, Angst, Angst and Tragedy Summary:  It starts and ends with Death. Scorpius was just caught in between. Like always. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Between Myth and Man by slytherco Rated:  Explicit Words:  16242 Tags: Veritaserum, Truth Serum, Mundane, London, Falling In Love, Lies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, This whole story is just Draco angsting really, Sexual Content, keeping secrets, Smoking, Bad Weather, References to Drugs, Making Out, One (1) Scared Little Sparrow, And also lots of texting Summary:  Draco, lost and a little broken, navigates post-war reality convinced that people like him should not be allowed to make their own choices. To solve the problem of his self-sabotaging tendencies, he starts taking a few drops of Veritaserum every morning. A story about the complexity of choices, repressed desires that come to the surface when we least expect them, and the utter hopelessness of truths built on a foundation of lies. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Three Boxes and a Scrapbook by dracogotgame Rated:  Mature Words:  30493 Tags: mention of divorce, flangst, Bill is a bro Summary:  One year after being accidentally bonded to each other, Harry and Draco are free to move on with their lives. But perhaps, what they needed was here all along. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Intertwined by bluefay Rated:  Explicit Words:  25086 Tags: Memory Loss, Memory Alteration, Accidental Bonding, Magic Gone Wrong, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Malfoy Manor, Self-Harm, Dark Mark (Harry Potter), Serious Injuries, But they're not very graphic so don't fret!, Self-Hatred, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Established Relationship, Sort Of, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Hate Sex, Childhood Trauma ,Flashbacks, St Mungo's Hospital, Sharing a Bed, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Time, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020 Summary:  On May 3rd, 1998, Draco Malfoy wakes up with no memory of Voldemort, the war, or Harry Potter, his supposed boyfriend. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 I Am Not Who I Became by mab_di Rated:  Explicit Words:  93189 Tags: H/D Fan Fair 2019, Secondary Theme: Travel Fair, Secondary Theme: Book Fair, Commercial Fisherman Draco Malfoy, Failed Writer Harry Potter, Depressed Harry Potter, Magically Powerful Harry Potter, Muscular Draco Malfoy, Recluse Harry Potter, Angst, Smut, Drama & Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Wandless Magic, Boats and Ships, Finland (Country), Fishing, Redemption, School Reunion, Minor Draco Malfoy/Original Male Character(s), Anal Sex, Rough Sex, Sex Magic, Suicidal Thoughts, Near Death Experiences, Magical Theory, POV Alternating Summary:  Draco left England after the trials and has travelled the world meeting wizards and Muggles from different cultures and with vastly different relationships to magic, each other, and the natural world. Now he's a fisherman in Finland on commercial vessels. Harry has been struggling since the war and has become a recluse while trying to write his autobiography. An invitation to the Hogwarts class of 1998's 15th reunion isn't welcomed by either of them, but neither could predict how the night, and their reunion, will upend their lives. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 When I Put My Eyes On You by Zzzara Rated:  Explicit Words:  31160 Tags: Blindness, Blind Character, Blind Harry Potter, Disability, Physical Disability, Disabled Character, Slow Burn, Falling In Love, Love, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, Dorks in Love, Friendship/Love, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Requited Unrequited Love, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Amortentia, Potions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt, Emotions, Emotional, Emotional Roller Coaster, Pining, Pining Harry Potter, Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Developing Friendships, Romantic Friendship, Best Friends, Draco Malfoy & Harry Potter Friendship, POV Harry Potter, Patronus, Spells & Enchantments, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Jealousy, Jealous Harry Potter, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Spin the Bottle, Halloween, Party, Party Games, Mistletoe, Kissing, Surprise Kissing, Boys Kissing, Rough Kissing, Drunken Kissing, Gentle Kissing, Boys In Love, Drinking, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, First Time, Explicit Sexual Content, Sex, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Emotional Sex, Awkward First Times, Sleeping Together, Literal Sleeping Together, Dancing, Showers, Masturbation in Shower, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Resolved Sexual Tension, Dreams, Fantasizing, Desire, Self-Esteem Issues, Substance Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Lights Camera Drarry 2020, Lights Camera Drarry, LCDrarry, LCD - Freeform, The Way he looks, film inspired, Self-Prompt, Healing Summary:  When a hero defeats a villain, there's supposed to be a happily-ever-after... but when did anything ever happen to Harry Potter the way it was supposed to? Having sacrificed himself to the greater good, Harry is left alone in the darkness, blindly groping for the shreds of the life he knew. When the enemies meet, how is the story supposed to go, once they learn there's more to it than the eye can see? A story of pain, hope and things we discover, once we stop looking for them with our eyes. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 You open always (petal by petal) by birdsofshore Rated:  Explicit Words:  65214 Tags: Post War, Rent Boy!Draco, Down-And-Out!Draco, Grimmauld Place, House magic, Portraits, First Times, Antagonism, Hurt/Comfort, Coming Out, Pining, Angst, UST, Kissing, Frotting, Blow Jobs, Rimming, Intergluteal Sex, Anal Sex, Homophobic Slurs And Attitudes, Internalised Homophobia, Derogatory Attitudes To Sex Workers, Some Mentions Of Sadistic Violence, Brief Thoughts Of Sexual Activity With A Sleeping Partner, Rough Sex, Brief Mention Of Harry With A Woman (Past Relationship), Mentions Of Dubious Consent In Connection With Sex Work, Community: hd_erised, Inexperienced Harry, Top Harry Potter, House Elves, Masturbation Summary:  Harry’s not the kind of person who pays for sex. He really isn’t. Until he is. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Solder by Oakstone730 Rated:  Explicit Words:  34547 Tags: potion/alcohol addiction, Recovery, Nipple Play, Rimming, Dirty Talk, Angst, PiningUST, Reconciliation, LoveForgiveness, Cursebreaker!Draco, Artist!Harry Summary:  Seven years ago, Harry disappeared out of Draco and Scorpius's life without a trace after Harry's addictions destroyed his and Draco's marriage. Now, Harry’s back, and Draco wants to believe he’s changed. But Harry isn’t the only one haunted by the past. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Three Months, Eleven Days and Nine Hours by sassy_cissa Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  sassy_cissa Tags: H/D Food Fair 2018, Angst, Romance, Paroled Draco Malfoy, Rebuilding Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy/, Harry Potter Friendship, Down and Out Draco Malfoy, Food Forager Draco Malfoy, Soup Kitchens, Happy Ending, Post-Hogwarts, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Hungry Draco Malfoy Summary:  Broke and living in a one room hovel in Knockturn Alley, Draco hunts in rubbish bins for food. Nothing could be more humiliating, right? Unless you're Draco Malfoy... ❤️ Read on AO3

Texting You by ununquadius Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  6005 Tags: Major Character Death, text fic, draco is dead, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, or maybe hurt/no comfort, Everyday Life, Pets, Asexual Harry Potter, Indian Harry Potter, one penis drawing, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Loneliness, Drinking, Terminal Illnesses, blink and you missed them suicidal thoughts Summary:  After Draco's death, Harry can't let go so he keeps texting their private chat, updating him on his life and rambling about everything and anything until it almost feels like there's a possibility that, one day, a reply will come. Read on AO3

📜 Wake Up In The Night by p1013 Rated:  Explicit Words:  10483 Tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Explicit Sexual Content, Face-Fucking, Public Sex, Blow Jobs, Versatile Draco Malfoy, Versatile Harry Potter, Anal Sex, Rimming, Anal Fingering, Dirty Talk, Facials, 69 (Sex Position), Coming Untouched, Love Confessions, Curses, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Drinking, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, POV Draco Malfoy, Voyeurism, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020, Emotional Manipulation Summary:  In the days after the War ended, there were a great many things that were changed or changing, a great many things that somehow slipped beneath the notice of Ministry officials and healers from St. Mungo's and Aurors that were tasked with capturing fleeing Death Eaters. It was, after all, the end of the War, and much like war itself, the clean up was heartbreaking. Lives had been lost. The world as they knew it had been changed irrevocably. In the grand scheme of things, there were more important things to worry about than Draco Malfoy's sudden, inexplicable inability to feel love. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Coated in Rust and Blood by crazyparakiss Rated:  Mature Words:  2429 Tags: Mpreg, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, Break Up, Post-Break Up, Angst, Violent Sex, Self-Hatred, Grief/Mourning, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020 Summary:  No one escapes the nightmares. That’s what his headshrinker tells Harry every time he tries to unpack the baggage he was handed from infancy. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Here Without You by  gracerene Rated:  Explicit Words:  26869 Tags: Post-Hogwarts, War, Canon-Typical Violence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Character Death, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Background Het, Non-Linear Narrative, Flashbacks, Epistolary, Love Letters, Dirty Letters, An Ode to Draco's Bum, Bottom Draco Malfoy, Top Harry Potter, Implied Switching, Auror Harry Potter, Healer Draco Malfoy, Explosions, Harry Potter & Parvati Patil Friendship, Loneliness, Denial, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020 Summary:  It's been seven years since the end of the Second Wizarding War with Voldemort, and a new Dark Lady has taken over in nearby Ireland. Harry feels compelled to volunteer to fight on the front lines, but war is never safe, and Harry has a lot—including his blissfully happy relationship with Draco—to lose. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Orion in the Sky by space_wingding Rated:  Explicit Words:  30709 Tags: Bookshop Owner Draco Malfoy, Coffee, Village life, Slow Burn, Pining, Denial, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Jigsaw Puzzles, Falling In Love, Getting Together, Post-Hogwarts, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, POV Draco Malfoy, POV Harry Potter, Fatal Curse, Serious Injuries, Suicidal Thoughts, Hospitalization, Death, Character Death, Unhappy Ending, St Mungo's Hospital, Grief, mentions of anal sex, Chronic or Terminal Illness, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020 Summary:  Draco Malfoy owns a bookshop in the Lake District. He’s also cursed. Enter: Harry Potter. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Forgot to remember you by Andithiel Rated:  Mature Words:  1753 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Auror Partners, Magical Accidents, Memory Loss, Partial Memory Loss, Getting Together, DreamsPining, Light Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drarropoly 2.0 - A Drarry Game/Fest, Rated M for language, There's not any real stuff going on Summary:  Harry was hit with a spell that made him forget the week before he was hurt. Most of his memories have come back, but he has a niggling suspicion that he did something wrong. Why else would his Auror partner (and the object of his desires) go from friendly to hostile? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 On the Last Day by trishjames Rated:  Explicit Words:  53481 Tags: Mystery, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Unreliable Narrator, Drama, Dramatic Irony, Flashbacks, Non-Linear Flashbacks, Memory Loss, Horror Elements, Suicidal Ideation, Depression, Occlumency (Harry Potter), Occlumency as a Coping Mechanism, Panic Attacks, Discussion and Depiction of Mini Seizures, mention of overdoses, Revenge, Repression, Science, Neurology & Neuroscience, Neurological damage, Medicine, Potions, Original Characters - Freeform, Slow Burn, Enemies to Lovers, Somewhat Bond!Fic, Strong Friendships, Strong Women, Maternal love, Department of Mysteries, Unspeakables (Harry Potter), The Love Chamber, The Death Chamber, Death Potion, Amortentia, The Veil, Near Death Experiences, Souls, Major character death - Freeform, Death, forced drugging, Mind Control (Imperio), Murder, Vomit, Medical Procedures, Consent, Amoral Behaviour, Unethical Behaviour, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Possession, Ghost Sex, True Love Conquers All, ghost!harry, Magically Powerful Harry Potter, Auror Harry Potter, Unspeakable/Scientist Hermione Granger, Unspeakable/Scientist Draco Malfoy, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020, Psst...angst with a happy ending.. Summary:  Draco is still mourning the recent loss of his mother when the Wizarding World is struck with the tragic news of Harry Potter’s untimely death. It’s just his luck that Potter not only comes back as a ghost, but seems intent on haunting Draco as he’s the only one that can see him. It’s a race against time to retrace the last few days of Potter’s life in order to find his body before he’s lost to the living or spiritual realm forever. On their journey, they’ll uncover secrets, betrayals, and a horrific truth that will disrupt both the living and the dead. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Poland | A Faint Glow of Hope by EvAEleanor Rated:  Mature Words:  6123 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Summer Solstice, Solstice, Curses, Unspeakable Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, Auror Ron Weasley, Healer Hermione Granger, Herbology Professor Neville Longbottom, Angst, Flowers, Slavic mythology, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Mentions of Myth & Folklore, Mythology References. Folklore, poland - Freeform, POV Draco Malfoy, Headmistress Minerva McGonagall, Community: Seven Shades of Drarry Summary:  On Draco’s 25th birthday, somebody attempts to curse him, but Harry Potter jumps between them and is hit instead, with unexpected consequences. Potter is running out of time, and they both embark on a race against time to find the only cure that could save Harry. Little do they know they will need to face a myriad of magical creatures and their own feelings on the way. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Grounds for Divorce by Tepre Rated:  Explicit Words:  122217 Tags: Slow Burn, Pining, UST, Anal Sex, brief but all the same enthusiastic rimming, One (1) lemon tree, Accidental Bonding, And I mean like U! S! T!, Jealousy, Deals with Trauma, They both top at some point, ron is a good friend, Draco is a Good Cook, Dubious Consent due to the Accidental Bonding, The actual SLOWEST burn, Hurt/Comfort, Have I mentioned UST? Cannot overstate this it's like A LOT, First there's frottage, And then there's more sex, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, and just a lot of sex, sex on a bed, sex in the shower, sex on the floor, Sex on a settee, In other news they go to Egypt, Teddy is a Small Bean, There is one (1) cat, and one (1) happy ending Summary:  Malfoy finds a coin. Harry finds a letter. A story about histories, a story about families. A story about a lemon tree somewhere in Upper Egypt. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 At Evening's End by manixzen Rated:  Explicit Words:  31055 Tags: Pre-Relationship, Angst, Azkaban, Hurt/Comfort, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Slow Burn, Post-Hogwarts, Friendship, Past Child Abuse, Enemies to Friends, Auror Harry Potter, Inmate Draco Malfoy, Prison, Auror Ron Weasley Summary:  When the dementors are removed from Azkaban, a compromise has to be made for the prison to remain secure and wizard-kind to feel safe. Harry and Ron find themselves assigned to a rotation as guards during their first year as Junior Aurors as a part of the new system. Harry finds his values challenged in the harsh environment, but an unexpected friendship may carry him through this difficult year. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 all you ever did was wreck me by SailorChibi Rated:  Mature Words:  10807 Tags: Post-Hogwarts, Not Epilogue Compliant, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, draco has PTSD, Harry has PTSDN, ightmares, Animagus, Harry is an animagus, prison break - Freeform, Touch-Starved, affection starved, Fear of Death, fear of touch, touch repulsed, Trauma, Aftermath of Torture, harry doesn't want anyone else to die, harry is very angry at the world, Protective Harry, harry had to grow up too soon, Possessive Harry, harry wants to protect draco, house arrest, Ministry of Magic, ministry of magic has gone power hungry, Fear of Magic, draco is scared of magic, it's been used for too much evil, Draco Malfoy Feels, Sad Draco Malfoy, Protective Draco Malfoy, Sharing a Bed, platonically sharing a bed, First Kiss, Hugging, Cuddling, Platonic Cuddling, Harry Potter is a Good Friend, death is scary, Happy Ending, Angst with a Happy Endingh, appyish ending, might be a little bittersweet, but it will be ok I swear Summary:  After the war, the Ministry decides to make a clean go of it and sentences all Death Eaters to death. After a year spent imprisoned beneath the Ministry, with his mother safely in France, his father dead and only the Aurors who hate him for "company", Draco is waiting for his time to die. Harry gets to him first. ❤️ Read on AO3