#and that’s why I’m here!! to keep them safe but god there’s literally only so much I can do
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It’s the end of May, which means I’m sad and insane about the khux finale again
lol just kidding, I’m ALWAYS sad about the khux finale!
anyway, here’s a ramble analysis-esque thing about how the most tragic trio of all time has hurt me
The Ephemer and Skuld fight is so much more excruciating when you remember that for literally the entire game, all they wanted was for Player to be safe, even if it meant breaking rules and hiding things from them.
Eph and Skuld saved Player from the keyblade war even though they weren’t a Dandelion, and realistically should’ve been left behind to meet their fate like all the other non-Dandelions. Instead, they chose to take Player to the new world and spare them from the trauma of the war, carrying the burden of those memories in their stead.
You have to remember that Eph and Skuld were also on the battlefield during the war, or at least during the tail end of it. They never talk about it on screen, but even if they were only there for a short time, seeing all that destruction, and all those wielders dying on the battlefield when they were basically given a free pass to escape it all, had to have been insanely horrific for both of them.
And then seeing Player, their friend, on the brink of dying, is enough to shake the two of them to their core, and go against their initial beliefs. Eph believed that it would be better for everyone to remember the past, for the future’s sake. And Skuld believed in doing what was right, even if it meant unveiling the ugly truths no one wanted to hear.
The cutscene where they’re talking to Chirithy about hiding the truth is so poignant to me because while Skuld and Eph do feel bad about withholding stuff from Player, after seeing the literal end of the world and them on the brink of death, they’ve agreed that it’s the lesser evil, that it’s worth doing. They keep Player close enough to watch over them. They keep them busy with new jobs, and happy with new friends, blissfully unaware of what they had to endure. Because as selfish as it is, lying to Player is miles better than seeing them in pain. Than seeing them die.
BUT here’s the thing: Eph and Skuld never considered that Player would feel the exact same way about them. That Player would be willing to lie to their faces and “go against what they believe”, turning into the very enemy they were trained to defeat, for their sake. It’s an ironic twist, and the smartest thing Player has ever done, preying on Eph and Skuld’s worst fear in order to ensure they truly fight for themselves and make it out safely, instead of pulling the self sacrifice play they were intending. Player literally used an uno reverse card on them and it worked.
The three of them lied and changed to protect each other, and neither party ever found out the truth in the end. They trusted one another with their lives, and trusted themselves to do what was right on each other’s behalf. And damn, did they do it. khux ends with these three friends beating the shit out of each other, their lives crumbling underneath the weight of how much they care about each other, and as far as we know, they never see each other again. At least not for another several centuries, give or take.
god. Just. god. What the hell did Nomura inject into these three and why am I still crying about it 3 years later???
#khux#skulmerayer#ephemer#skuld#khx player#kh analysis#every day I’m haunted and heartbroken and harrowed and harmed and every other word you can think of#my posts#chi infodumps
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HIDE N SEEK’ / DEMON!DEAN WINCHESTER
Pairings: Demon!Dean Winchester x Fem!Hunter!Reader
Summary: Sam had placed you in a safe home when learning that Dean had somehow gotten away. But Dean promised you, a few games have to be played, and maybe you might just get away. Silly you, a Demon never keeps his word.
Warnings: Dark themes per usual, established relationship, chasing, taunting, use of force, threats & anger, hair pulling, threats, dacryphilia, sexual implications, vulgar language
Word count: 1.7K Words
A/N: Here it is! My first Supernatural fic, I’m so excited to write for these two! I'm still on season one so forgive me for any inaccuracies <3
Gif not mine, credits to the owner!
Your heart was beating erratically, and rightfully so.
The literal demon version of your own boyfriend, Dean, was currently chasing you around your place. So much for safe home.
“The more you run, the more angry I get Y/n/n.” His voice sent chills down your spine but you knew you had to keep going. You rounded the corner and grabbed the stair case banister to haul yourself upstairs. You could hear his footsteps, loud and clear.
“I gave you a chance, remember that.”
The house that was now trapping you inside, used to be your safe haven.
“Why won’t you just tell me what’s going on Sam?!” His eyes wouldn’t meet yours, the entire time he drove. Sam’s knuckles kept wrapping around the wheel, his knuckles were white and his grip unrelenting.
You’d met Dean not long ago, whilst you were still a baby hunter. Only a year had gone by since you’d lost your best friend whilst she and her boyfriend were on a hunt. It was your first time, and when you’d found out about the supernatural world. A wrong swing, a sharp knife and the dark of night caused her to pass away that night.
You were thoroughly traumatised from losing someone you were so close to, and the job wasn’t complete yet. But Jake called in reinforcements, in the form of Sam and Dean.
From then you’d continued to keep in touch with them, mostly Dean, talking to him helped you immensely when dealing with the pain of losing someone you loved. And when you’d run into them in California, and Dean asked you out, you were jumping for joy.
Within the two weeks you’d spent with them, hunting, travelling and living, you’d never felt happier. So when Dean asked you to stay with him, to be his?
You agreed with no hesitation.
But with a sick family member, you drew back. It’d been over a month and in that time you’d missed so much. So when your family got better and they all dispersed to their rightful places, you were surprised when Sam all of a sudden came to pick you up.
And you’d wound up at your safe home. With no explanation and a lack of communication, you found yourself lonely. Dean never reached out, Sam only checked in on mornings to make sure you were okay. Sam had literally taken your phone, giving you another with only his number.
Of course you’d asked questions, but you trusted Sam. So when he told you it was for the best? You’d listened. You’d wanted more information, but not like this.
The ringing of your phone had awoken you that night, you groaned as you turned over glancing at the alarm clock to your side.
3:30am.
“Sam what—,”
“Are you okay?”
You furrowed your eyebrows as you sat up in your bed, “I’m fine, what’s up?”
“You need to check the doors. The windows— god everything. You need to make sure you’re safe. Do you have access to your weapons?”
“No, I left them in my car. Most of my weapons stash is downstairs, I only have a few handguns and knifes in the bathroom. What’s wrong Sam?”
“It’s Dean, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you Y/n. He’s not safe, he’s…” You got up from your bed, heading downstairs. You needed water if you were going to continue with this weird conversation.
You refrained from rolling your eyes, what hell is up with the dramatics? “He’s what Sam. A vampire?” You joked whilst grabbing a glass from the cupboard.
“Nope, not a vampire sweetheart.”
The glass shattered on the floor at the sound of his voice, it’d been far too long since you’d heard it.
‘Y/n? You still there?’ His voice was so close yet so far.
‘'Y/n? Is he there?" His voice was so close yet so far. Dean’s eyes were dark and black, nothing like the green you found yourself loving everyday. As if the eyes weren’t enough to tell you something was wrong, the hammer in his hand and the dark expression on his face.
Demon.
It was the one word that seeped into your mind from Sam’s screeching through the phone. Dean’s smirk made your heart beat faster. "If I was you sweetheart, I’d get to runnin’."
So you did.
With all the energy your drowsy body could muster, you ran past him and into the dining room before turning the corner. His taunts followed as you turned a corner, only to be met with a hard chest. “You’re making this too easy baby. How bout’ this, you hide and I seek. And if I catch you,”
You tried to pull away from him, but Dean was stronger now. “If I catch you, well you don’t wanna know.” His eyes flicked from green to black, and your heart dropped. His grip faltered and you took it as your chance to go. You ran to the back door, only to find it locked.
“Thought I told you to hide?”
“Shut up! I’m not playing!” You shouted as you ducked behind the kitchen counter, hopefully he hadn’t seen you by now.
As you peaked from behind you noticed the black boot by your foot, “You always looked best beneath me.” A wave of disgust rolled through as you grabbed onto his leg and pushed, swiping it from underneath him.
You ran back to the stairs.
“I gave you a chance, remember that.”
The words echoed through your head as you ran upstairs into your bedroom when the alarm system began blaring.
A bit late for that, you thought.
The crimson red seeped through the whole home, indicating an intruder. Shivers went up your spine at the thought of a demon chasing you, red consuming you.
You were a hunter, yes. But not emotionless, so a literal Demon chasing you through your home with the face of your boyfriend was more than enough to cloud your judgement. On one hand, all you can see is Dean. You can stare into his eyes, whether they're green or black, you can see the familiar stature that always cuddled you.
You could hear his voice, and boy was it hard to not listen.
Leaning against the door, you closed your eyes and breathed heavily in an attempt to calm yourself down. Was Sam on his way? Or were you defenceless against him?
As you calmed down, your eyes widened in terror. The bathroom door to your right was open, and led right into your room. You scrambled to your feet and rushed to the door but were knocked back down.
You were right, a Demon's much more menacing with a red glow. he was entering the bathroom with a smile on his face.
"There you are, sweetheart." He raised his arms outwards in a mock hug, those open arms were usually your safety. But now? You weren't so sure if they'd be the best place to be.
"Now I told you not to run, you can't get away. Be realistic baby." His footsteps were slow and menacing, but he hadn't entered the room yet. Your eyes flickered momentarily to the door, and an idea rushed through your mind.
Dean seemingly caught on, "Don't you dare—,"
The slamming of the door cut him off as you swiftly rose to your knees, turning the lock. A sigh of relief escaped your lips as you got up with the help of your bed. "Okay, now I'm mad."
And you sure as hell were not in the mood to experience it. So you slowly tiptoed over to the bedroom door, unlocking it. The eerie silence did nothing but raise your heartbeat. Where was he?
You turned to look back at the bathroom door, you couldn't spot any shadows. Either you barricade yourself upstairs and pray for a miracle in the form of a certain Winchester, or you take your chances with the stairs and risk getting grabbed.
You had a good feeling about the stairs, and if Dean was following then you'd for sure hear him with how loud his steps were, right?
The bedroom door closed behind you as you slowly made your way to the top of the stairs. You couldn't hear anything, or see anything besides red. So you ran.
With each step your faith in getting away was renewed.
But as you made your way to the ground an arm harshly dug into your stomach as you screamed. "Told you I'd getcha." You squirmed in his grasp, clawing at the door to pull yourself away from him. "Keep moving like that and I'll crush your skull in." That got your attention, your arms dropped to your side as you stood on the ground.
"Always so good for me baby, yeah?" You shook your head as he chuckled, "You don't want to be my good girl?" His voice was hot in your ear, and his words went straight down to your--
"I'm talking to you." Dean spun you around, you were chest to chest now, his eyes bore into yours as he awaited a response. His stare was too intense so you settled for staring at the ground. He didn't like it.
His hands dug into your chin, forcing you to look up at him, "Yes or No?" Your lips inched closer to his as he grinned, "Missed me have you?" The distraction was all you needed, the hunter in you telling you to run. Dean groaned as you ran towards the door having swiftly kneed him in the groin.
As your hands fumbled with the latch, a hand twisted around your hair before yanking you back, "You bitch, you think you're slick?" You cried out as he climbed ontop of you, his eyes flashed back to black as a scowl overcame his face.
His hold never relented as he dragged you upstairs, “Please Dean!” Despite your pleading he continued to walk, your pleas seemingly driving him. “You want to be a bitch? I’ll treat you like one.” You wheezed as you made impact with bed, courtesy of Dean’s harsh push.
You turned over, trying to crawl away as his hand wrapped around your ankle, “Stop!” His chuckle was deep and his hand bruised you. You couldn’t help the tears that ran down your face, this wasn’t your Dean.
“Fuck you look pretty when you cry. Y’know, I’ve missed this.” His hands ran down your stomach, and back up your chest as you attempted to shimmy away. A hand wrapped around your hip, digging in to hold you down.
“Missed these tits too.”
Your eyes widened as his hand unbuckled his belt.
“We’ve got time to spare, right?”
#supernatural x fem!reader#supernatural x you#supernatural x reader#supernatural#dean winchester x you#dean winchester x reader#dean winchester#dean winchester x fem!reader#demon!dean winchester x reader#demon!dean winchester#dark!dean winchester x reader#yandere supernatural x reader#yandere!dean winchester x reader#dark themes
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I had a request for newer fics, so here you go! Also, some other recent fics were posted here.
They’re all together ooky, the Hale family… (Snap, Snap) by DropsOfAddiction | 12.4K | Explicit
Derek realises that he’s probably squashing Stiles a little bit, right at the same moment that Stiles apparently realises that he’s still holding onto Derek’s face.
They both definitely acknowledge Derek’s nakedness at the same exact time, judging by the alarmed look on Stiles’ face.
“So, you have no clothes on,” Stiles removes his hands and holds them above his head in surrender, cheeks a muddy red.
“In my defence, I was covered in fur less than two minutes ago,” Derek rolls his eyes and he pushes himself up and off him, hands covering his junk for Stiles’ sake.
“You’re still kind of furry now…” Stiles sits up, blinking rapidly, clearly just as weirded out as Derek. “Oh my god, pretend I didn’t say that. I’m not looking or anything.”
Derek smirks, because that… that was a lie and he cocks an eyebrow at him.
as dear as a brother by endversed | 10.3K | Explicit
“You are not allowed to sleep with him,” Scott says.
“You’re not the boss of me,” Stiles scoffs.
Stiles and Scott become best friends at college. Derek is Scott's hot older brother.
Take Me Away From Here by Hedwig221b | 33.5K | Explicit
Derek Hale looked terrifying. With his broad frame and muscles, with his wild black hair and thick beard, with his eyes the color of blood and fangs of a killer. Despite his kindness and his apparent attraction to Stiles, he was still a stranger, a predator, a wolf.
The thing is, Stiles would deal, but others might not. People found Lord Hale horrid, monstrous and unapproachable.
If Stiles stood behind him, no one would touch him.
He’d be safe with the wolf. If not from him, then definitely from everyone else. And that was enough.
Messily Ever After by KaliopeShipsIt | 20.3K
When Stiles and his blue slushie have a literal and quite splashy run-in with an adorable five-year old flower girl and her panicking daddy in the middle of the mall, the last thing he expects is to get a date to a stranger's wedding out of it.
Let alone, a boyfriend and a kid.
His Accidental Touch by Hidden_Orchard | 12.8K | Explicit
It happened accidentally, the first time. All the many and varied times afterwards, Stiles would hold his hands up and admit full responsibility for. But that first time – pure chance.
Derek needs a cuddle. Stiles - generous man that he is - would never deny Derek something he needs.
An Alpha's Misunderstandings by Dexterous_Sinistrous | 48.5K | Mature
And Derek was there, as if it was a simple twist of fate.
There were so many ways Stiles wanted to forgive Derek, but then he came to his senses.
He wouldn’t risk Charlotte’s safety for that hope–never again.
~*~
Stiles and Derek are parted by war and misunderstandings, only to find each other again.
Red, Red, Red by loserchildhotpants | 9.4K | Explicit
“Just… it’s weird, I’ve been - uh. You ever, like, dream of something? Something you’ve never seen before, but then you see it out in the world?”
everywhere, everything (every day) by nerdy-stilinski (Captain_Ameriyeah), S3anchaidh | 14.3K
Derek’s never been the best at making decisions. That’s how he keeps waking up with Stiles in his arms, but never under the right circumstances.
Or: Derek agrees to a pack vacation and instantly regrets it.
Matchmaking in Fandom by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella) | 13K
It wasn’t like it was a secret that the showrunners made terrible decisions when it came to their own show, so why he’d had actual faith in them not fucking the movie up, he had no idea. Really, it was his own fault.
He hadn’t even set the bar high for the movie! The bar was so incredibly low, like mid-shin height, and they somehow managed to get it subterranean. That was talent. A bad talent, but still a talent.
if i'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that i am? by EvanesDust | 13K
When Derek’s kids write out their Christmas lists, they insist he writes one too. Not long after it's deposited in Santa's mailbox, he's reunited with the man of his dreams.
Stiles.
Derek can't help but fall for him again. It's really too bad Stiles is so obviously taken.
...or the one where Derek’s a grump who makes assumptions about his pregnant omega neighbor.
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imagine jayj's panic rambling about some stupid lead john b wants to chase next, pacing the floors n practically given you a headache cos he literally hasn't breathed in the last five minutes so you just drop to your knees in front of him to get him quiet - 🍓
🩰𓈒⋆⑅˚₊୨୧
you could never quite follow with all the pogue adventure stuff. it was alot, and each day brought new details and side quests and it was difficult to keep up with. you knew that if it was a lot for you, it had to be a lot on your boyfriend jj — which became more and more clear as he paced your girly bedroom, repeatedly yanking his hat off to run a stressed hand through his hair.
“and you know me i don’t like to wait — we’re wastin’ valuable precious time that could be spent walkin’ right in there, sticking a gun in their mouth n’ waiting for them to squawk, but no — nah of course john b wants to do the freakin’ logical thing and regroup tomorrow. tomorrow, babe— these dudes are gonna be half way across the ocean by tomorrow, bon appetit— never to be seen again!”
“do you mean bon voyage?” you furrow your eyebrows, swinging your legs as you listen along, sat on your vanity watching the blonde pace your room. he’d only been in your house for a matter of ten minutes, and you weren’t sure he’d taken a second to breathe since he had arrived — ranting furiously about the day of pogue drama and adventure.
“look— whatever, okay— the point is, no one’s listening to me, n’i get it, right? jj’s the crazy one, jj’s always gettin’ himself into trouble— but you know why that is? it’s because i take action.” he pummels his fist into his hand with emphasis. “i’m not gonna just sit here and let these guys get away with this shit, you know?”
he finally looks at you, like expecting an answer and you take the opportunity— hopping off the vanity to step towards him. “i know it’s frustrating, jayj — but there’s nothing you can do right now. everyone’s safety including yours should be the main priority.” you pout. you know he didn’t wanna be lectured by you on being safe, especially not right now but you couldn’t help offer your opinion. plus, as selfish as it sounded you kind of wanted him to drop the whole thing now. it was pointless, really.
“i know — okay? i know. i’m sorry i’m… yeah, i’m just stressed the fuck out. you know how i get. i just kinda find it funny how he— wh… what you doin’ there?” he’s paused in his tracks when you’re suddenly infront of him, nodding intently along with what he’s saying as your fingers pop open the button on his shorts.
you have the audacity to look confused by his question, tilting your head like a sweet lost puppy. “…helping? said you were stressed, jayj?” you furrow your brows, manicured fingers slowly dragging his zipper down before you sink to your knees, looking up at him expectedly.
“you— uh, you were gonna…? right here?” he blinks, his anatomy betraying him as his cock jumps in his pants in muscle memory of you being on your knees. you nod happily, leaning forward with a polite smile, pressing a kiss to his bulge through his pants.
“wanna help.” you muse happily, almost cheerfully and he swallows, taking his hat off for the last time and tossing it onto your bed.
“hey, don’t let me stop you sugar. just… surprised. god damn.” he runs a hand through his hair, the frustration already starting to seep out of his body. you take this as the green light to start massaging his length through the fabric, giggling giddily as you ready him for your mouth.
“just relax now, jj. lemme make it better.”
🩰𓈒⋆⑅˚₊୨୧
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So I was the one who requested Kung Lao with a breeding kink- 😏 and now I’m here to request Kung Lao with a reader that’s smaller then him. Like he can easily pick them up and their hand is smaller then his. Like reader would be able to wrap their hand around his pinky. ((I have a friend who can do that and I think it’s really funny))
The things I'd let this man do to me. Every single position. Any time of the day. Anywhere. In the shower, in the kitchen, at the octagon, my mom's house, ANYWHERE.
SFW/NSFW hcs of kung lao with a size kink
Tw/cw: kung lao has a size kink, a very big size kink, reader is like 5'1 bc I'm 5'1 and I'm definitely not self projecting, piv, belly bulge, he hugs during sex it's rlly hot, AFAB reader, uh yeah you get it
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Sfw
Kung lao is very cocky so I feel as though he'd be the type to lovingly make fun of you. Like, as your boyfriend he'd comment on how small you are compared to him and how you can't reach things on higher shelves and need his help, things like that. But as SOON as someone else makes fun of your height, he's beating the shit out of them
Going off the last one, he'd definitely put items on higher shelves JUST so that you'd ask him for help. He genuinely loves being helpful to you so putting you in an innocent situation feeds his ego
He'd definitely introduce you to all of his friends too. He does this thing where if you're standing next to him he'll put his arm on your head and use you as an armrest
Johnny definitely hits on you a lot and whenever he does Kung Lao just gives him a glare. Hes the only person you guys hang out with that Kung Lao doesn't trust you with. It's not that he doesn't trust you, he absolutely does, he just doesn't trust him
Raiden and you are definitely good friends and he's around the same height as Kung Lao. Because him and your boyfriend are close, he lets Raiden poke at your height a bit, but he never does. If anything he just comments on how cute you are compared to everyone else(why is everyone in mk so FUCKING TALL DUDE)
If you ever get into a dicey situation, let's say with Johnny, and Kung Lao is behind you, he's picking you up with complete ease and putting you somewhere safe so he can beat the shit out of him
Sometimes Kung Lao just picks you up and carries you around. No reason. No warning. He's either carrying you bridal style or over his shoulder. He just does it for shits
Nsfw
Oh my god he's so into you being smaller than him
He can just swing you around and overpower you so easily
He's obviously not gonna do anything you're uncomfortable with, he's very big on consent and your comfort and you guys ALWAYS have a safe word
But he will put you in a mating press and hold you there. Like, you're not moving.
That's how it is with every position, he lets you move your upper body but your waist is his to control
Absolutely loves when you ride him. Because of how small you are, your tummy always has an imprint of him inside you. It literally drives him insane and he cums so easily when he sees it
When you're doing missionary, he'll wrap his arms around your waist and lower himself onto you. He'll be hugging you as he's pounding his cock into you, but he's singing you so many praises
He'll be whimpering into your ear (yes he whimpers) and he'll be telling you how good youre doing. "you're doing so good for me", "such a tight pussy, all for me, right?", "you're gonna make me cum if you keep it up"
If he ever plays with your clit when he's inside you, you'll clench so hard he cums immediately. Then hes embarrassed by how easily he comes undone from you
He can't get over how sweetly you treat him, both in and out of bed. When you're having sex, he gets so turned on by all of your moans and soft praises
He definitely likes to 69 you but he also likes lotus every once in a while. He loves to be able to feel your body so close to his and he picks out positions specifically for that reason
If you guys live together, you're having sex every night. Kung Lao has an incredibly high sex drive and when you're not around to help him out he lashes out a lot
He'll be training with the other monks and he can't focus because of how horny he is. Raiden caught onto it and knows about Kung Laos needs, he teases him about it a lot but understands
It got to the point where Raiden recommended having you come with him. Maybe if you were in reach at any given moment it would make him feel better
So you went with him. And those few days you did were absolute disasters. Kung Lao didn't get anything done because the thought of you seeing him working out turned him on more than usual. So he'd be picking you up and running to a quiet place just to fuck you. Over. And over. And over again.
Eventually Raiden realized you coming with was a mistake and you had to leave. Not without Kung Lao crying and pleading with Raiden to let you stay
At this point Kung Lao doesn't even care about anything other than you. If you were to tell him to do anything, he'd be on it in seconds. He doesn't even care if Liu Kang approves of it, but luckily for you both he understands how it feels(cough cough kitana)
Long story short, he's a simp.
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#mortal kombat#mk1#mortal kombat smut#kung lao mk1#mk x reader#mk smut#mk1 smut#kung lao smut#kung lao x reader#kung lao mortal kombat#kung lao
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Have you ever wanted to give Astarion more hugs? Because I did. So I wrote 34K words just to give him more hugs. It's Hugs for a Vampire, literally just uploaded the last chapter.
It's my first finished long fic ever and I feel this weird little pride so I wanted to gush about it. Please enjoy a few of my favorite snippets below (spans the game so beware spoilers), but this thing has a bit of everything.
You want figuring out boundaries? You got it!
You’re not sure how much of it is a choice that you’ve consciously made or if it’s born of your underlying worry. It hasn’t been long since you entered this new phase in your relationship, and the past couple of weeks have been a lot of trial and error to get to a place of some comfort and understanding. As such, you know exactly why you’ve been careful, consciously or not. “I don’t want to touch you if you’re not ready for it,” you say, tilting your head toward his, whispering your words away from the rest of the group.
The vampire freezes a moment, his eyebrows knitting into a look of concern. “While I appreciate the sentiment, darling, a hug isn’t exactly carnal .”
You give him a flat look. “Of course it isn’t,” you respond back. “But it’s still… intimate. You should be allowed to decide when that happens. If you hug me, I know you want it to happen.”
Astarion finally uncrosses his arms, only to rub at his temple in exasperation. “Ugh, you’re being disgustingly considerate,” he says, closing his eyes. “It’s times like this that I wonder how we’ve even gotten this far.”
You want a smidge of angst? Of course.
Astarion’s arm around you shifts, an attempt to pull you closer. You turn to face him and lean in to help his efforts. He gives you a sad little grateful smile, and tucks you into his chest, your head resting just below his chin. When he speaks, his voice is barely above a whisper, a low rasp to it, “I’m here, dear. We’re in this together.”
Nodding into his chest, you take a few steading breaths. “I know,” you say. “But is it too much to ask for a break every once and a while?”
“Darling,” a cold kiss graces your temple before he continues, “I’ve been asking myself that question for two-hundred years.” His words aren’t meant to elicit sympathy, just reality, and you both soak in it for a while. Laying in each others’ arms, bodies too exhausted to move, spirits too broken to speak, you allow yourself to weep.
You want calling Astarion out on his bullshit? For sure.
“Gods,” he breathes out in anguish. “I can’t say you’re wrong. I can only say I'm so glad we didn’t meet then. I don’t even want to think what would have happened to you…”
You’ve never been above challenging your lover’s sullen moods, facing his avoidances head on. So you stare him down fiercely when you say, “Don’t you avoid this, Astarion. Face it, like you must face them. You would have killed me.”
And just like that, something in him buckles. All of his blustering blown away in the stark reality of his previous life. “I would have killed you.” Astarion’s shoulders bow, his head turns away from you and it’s all you can do to hold back a fierce, rib-shattering embrace.
You want fluff? Hell yeah.
You’re ever the slightly more responsible of the two of you. “I always thought that the day we got thrown into prison together it would be for theft, murder, maybe racketeering– not public indecency.”
“The night is young, dear,” he says, smiling up at you innocently. "I wouldn't rule any of them out quite yet."
You plant a small kiss on his head and respond, “You are an utter fool.”
You want an ending where he doesn't run off on his own and break your heart? It's only natural 😭
Sniffling, tears trailing down your face and onto his neck, you know your voice is barely there. But you need him to know. You whisper to him, “We’re all here for you. You’re safe with us.”
And like a stubborn lock that finally gives, he collapses into you. His full body weight bears down on you, and it’s all you can do to keep from toppling over. Yet you remain solid, fully ready to support him as long as he needs.
Anyway, I just wanted to be excited, if you read this far ty I appreciate you and pls how do I get this vampire man out of my head 🥲
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about what my hands and my body done
A/N: this is all @amanitacowboy @chaotic-mystery fault 😩 once again, angst with sprinkled in smut because I am a menace that cannot be stopped!
~word count: 472~ (see! I can write drabble..sometimes)
Summary: Joel’s hands. That’s it. That’s the summary.
Pairing | post! outbreak Joel Miller x f! reader
Warnings: smut, fingering, hand kink??, angst, blood, tears, you’re like literally in love with Joel’s hands, +18 minors dni!
main masterlist masterlist
Joel Miller’s hands must have surely been sculpted by the gods themselves. Why else would they look so perfect? He’d disagree, naturally. He viewed them to be ugly, unnatractive, useless in the cases where they were so damaged, he’d have to grit his teeth together to mask the pain. To you? They were beautiful. Perfectly crafted to encase around your hand like a shield. Or purchased around your throat, like a pretty necklace. You especially loved it when he used those hands of his to pry your thighs apart, tsking under his breath when they would subconsciously snap shut when the sensation of his fingers knuckle deep inside of you became too much for you to handle. A mix between pain and pleasure as your eyes would screw shut, head thrown back as you cried out his name.
“Keep ‘em open f’me. Can’t make you cum if you ain’t obeyin’ and bein’ a good girl f’me.” He rasped as his thumb began to paint practiced strokes across your neglected clit. He always knew how to play your strings just right.
Hands that could send you reeling into a blissful state that only he was capable of bringing you too. Hands that held you protectively with shameless care. Grasping your hips, your arm, with blunt fingernails lightly pressing into your skin. Splayed across your tummy as he holds you close at night. Fingertips twitching, quivering against your flesh; another nightmare rolls through like clockwork. Fingertips to be held, admired, kissed, licked, worshiped.
Bruised knuckles over the years, torn skin, crusted blood as you leave featherlight whispers of kisses on his wounds. Hands that have killed for you, cared for you, protected you.
Wrinkles, veins, scarred tissue; all beautiful. All him; all yours.
Hands that grasped a gun firmly, and your face delicately. Rough pads of thumbs brush away freshly fallen tears.
“Never g’nna leave you. Ain’t no one on this god forsaken earth can take me from you, angel.” He fiercely reassured you. Hands streaked in blood, not of his own, but of another. Fingernails encrusted with grime and flesh tissue. Not his. Not his.
“I’ll crawl home to you everytime. Every goddamn time. I’ll give every motherfucker hell if they try’n take me from you.”
Hushed tone, soft touches, acidic copper, salt. Tears mixing with your own as he kisses you soft, sweet, tender. Hands grasping yours with a trembled grasp.
Tongues tangled, teeth clash, rough fingertips gliding under the confines of your shirt; his. Grasping at skin, biting at flesh, hold me. Hold me. Hold me. You beg, unneeded as he’s already there, holding you as close as he can, it’s not enough. It’s never enough as you cling to him as if your life depends on it.
I’m here. I’m right here.
Hands that hold you steady, keeping you safe and warm, even as they tremble fiercely.
Banners made by the lovely @saradika 🤍
#joel miller#joel miller fanfiction#pedro pascal characters#pedro pascal#the last of us#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel the last of us#joel miller angst#joel miller smut#joel miller fanfic#joel miller drabble#joel miller tlou#joel last of us#joel x f!reader#joel x female reader#protective joel#joel miller imagine#joel miller one shot#joel x reader#joel tlou#the last of us fanfiction#the last of us fic#the last of us drabble#tlou hbo#the last of us smut#the last of us imagine#soft joel miller#the last of us angst
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Chapter 17 - Drama in the air ✈️
Winter wonderland #1
Summary: The gang makes their way to the Winter Cabins. Somehow, everyone is grumpy today. Also, why does Rody and Katsuki hate each other?!
Warnings: Swear words, a tiny bit suggestive, a lot of tension for some weird reason.
Second warning: the “Winter Wonderland” storyline will contain other background relationships (Kirishima x Bakugou, Tamaki x Mirio, Kaminari x Shinsou, Todoroki x Yaomomo) and NSFW stuff (NOT with them. Khm), but I’ll leave a warning before it happens! This chapter is safe!)
First Chapter Master List
~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~
“Welcome aboard, my friends!” Rody’s voice comes through the speakers. “I’ll do my best to not drop you all into the ocean!”
“I want to go home.” Tamaki whimpers with his face hidden in his best friend’s neck, who’s wearing a plain T-shirt with “emotional support animal” written on the front. You can’t help but giggle. That guy looks like he knows how to have fun.
“Are you getting off on being an asshole?” Katsuki yells towards the front, annoyed. Izuku sighs next to you.
“Guys, can you just get along? I still don’t understand why are you so mean to him, Kacchan. You frowned at him back then, too.”
“Hey, the guy literally just made the octopus-chicken EMO guy cry and I’m the asshole?” Katsuki retorts. “Look at him! He’s about to hyperventilate!”
“… and calling him an octopus-chicken is better? “ Shouto adds.
“That’s a fair point, Blasty.” Kaminari chimes in, too.
“What a loud bunch! I like that! And to answer your question, I do not get off on being an asshole. I leave that little kink to you, brother.”
“Oh you are so fucking dead.” Katsuki stands up, palm making tiny explosions. Eijirou tries his best to sit him back down and you swear Tamaki’s soul just left his body for a second.
“I miss home. Can we go back? I can float us.” Izuku whispers into your ear.
“I don’t think we can open the door without crushing everyone thanks to the pressure up here.” You whisper back.
“Bummer.” He sighs again, clearly overwhelmed by all the loudness after being home for so long.
“Think about the cabin, though. We will have a fireplace, a nice cozy bed… we can keep each other warm during the night…” your palm on Izuku’s thigh slowly creeps further, caressing his inner thigh and Izuku almost chokes on his saliva, his face as red as a lobster’s.
“Oh my god, respectfully, can you not eye-fuck each other while I’m risking my life to keep this plane afloat?!” Kirishima moans with a blush on his face.
“Bro, they’ve been together in the same house for weeks yet they still can’t keep their hands off each other. I want that.” Kaminari adds longingly.
“Find yourself a horny little girlfriend then.” Shinsou pouts, staring out of the window. For everyone’s surprise, Kaminari doesn’t say anything back just sighs with a lovelorn expression.
“Okay, let’s leave all the baggage in the baggage compartment, this is a fun trip!” Rody’s head pops our from the front and everyone screams in unison.
“KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!”
“There is no road. Just clouds… ahh, nevermind. “
~•🥦•~
“Time to change into something warm, guys! We are approaching our main destination!” Rody’s voice comes through the speakers once again.
You look out of the window right away and you can’t believe what you are seeing; there is a small island right under the plane, covered in white and there is fresh snow falling from the sky, but only around the island, which makes it look like it’s a giant snow globe. It’s absolutely magical.
“Wow.” Katsuki stares out of the window with childish glee. Izuku looks at him with nothing but fondness, probably remembering their childhood when Katsuki’s gaze was constantly this pure. “Look at those mountains, Ei.” Katsuki mutters dreamily, completely fascinated as the island comes closer and closer, revealing more and more about itself as the plane approaches the land.
“You wanna climb that massive one, don’t you?” Eijirou snickers with his head resting on Katsuki’s shoulder. They are so fucking adorable, goddamit!
“Duh.” Katsuki snickers back proudly.
“Fuck, I forgot that it’s gonna be winter!” Kaminari freaks out. The guy is wearing a single leather jacket. You can’t help but sigh.
“Well, luckily for you, your boring ass roommate didn’t.” Shinsou murmurs under his nose, rummaging in his massive backpack as he speaks. After a few seconds, he takes out a winter coat and drops it on Kaminari’s head.
“Oh my god, I love you.” Kaminari goes for a hug with the coat still on his head. Tamaki giggles.
“Oh my god, Katsuki, he laughed! He’s not terrified of us!” Eijirou mutters, swiping a stray tear off his face.
“I mean, Denki is so dumb it’s literally impossible to be scared of him. I mean look at his face. Oh wait, you can’t see it. But you know what I mean.”
You really feel like you shouldn’t be listening in right now. Katsuki is so serene it feels like this version of him is reserved for Eijirou and Eijirou only.
“Sweets, look! You can see the cabins from here. On the top of that mountain!” Izuku steals your attention away by nuzzling into your neck, his finger pointing at the window. “Look, they have an onsen as well! By the look of it, every cabin comes with one…” He smiles knowingly. You can’t help but blush.
“Izu, behave yourself.”
“Hey, I’m on a holiday! I’m happy. Let me have this.” His sad smile shots an arrow through your heart. Fuck, you are such an idiot.
“Sorry. It’s just… I’m more excited about the massive fireplace. I hope there is fluffy rug in front of it. Like in the movies, you know.” Your blush can not be more obvious at this point, but you don’t care; by the look of it, everyone is too busy staring out the window to listen to your conversation anyway.
“If not, we can put some blankets down. Or I can just bring the mattress out. With black whip, of course.”
You can’t get over Izuku’s lovesick face and you never will. You still can’t believe you are the one who makes him look like that. He’s so handsome, but also so adorable, so sexy but so sweet, just the perfect combination of them all.
“I love you so much.” You mumble out loudly and Izuku shines brighter than thousand suns.
“I love you more.”
“Don’t start!” You giggle as the plane starts its landing.
“We are about to land! Buckle up, buddies! Don’t forget to clap later on!” Rody announces excitedly.
“What kind of idiot asks for people to clap? Now you ruined it!” Katsuki yells back and the bickering starts again.
“It was so peaceful…” Eijirou sighs, clearly given up.
“Well, if everything would be perfect it wouldn’t really feel real. But this does.” You smile at Eijirou who smiles back knowingly.
“I weirdly know what you mean.”
~•🥦•~
“Wow.” Tamaki is the first one to make a comment about the mesmerizing sight in front of you; you landed on a big chunk of concrete in the middle of a small hill; yes, you heard it right, that’s what these people call an airport apparently; and you can see most of the island from this point. There are cute shopping streets and pretty, modern buildings on your right side then you see some residential houses on the left side, quite far away from the main area of the city (the island is one city, or at least that’s what you’ve been told) then you have a bunch of mountains with small cabins scattered around one of them, then there is a massive mountain, so high you beg whoever is up there that the boys won’t want to climb to the top of it, because you definitely fucking can’t. By the look of it, there is heavy snow in the mountain area and a light one around the city center. Needless to say it’s really cold but the view warms your heart enough to not feel the chill that much.
“Welcome!” Rody climbs out of the plane, cracking his bones dramatically, his actions followed by an even more dramatic sigh. “The owners of the Island are waiting for us in that park there, so I’ll leave the explanations to them. It’s a good starting point as you have the shopping center and the massive grocery store close by, so we’ll be able to get some grub before making our way to the cabins.” And indeed, there is a cute park right between the shopping and the residential area. It’s quite far away but you knew what you are getting into when you said yes to another “camping trip”, so you just take a deep breath and pray to be strong enough to be able to get down there then up the MOUNTAIN (!), because by the look of it, there are no cabins anywhere else so that means you’ll need to do another hike to be able to get to your accommodation.
“Why do I feel like there is no bus to the cabins?” Kaminari mutters tiredly.
“Your lazy ass should’ve said yes to this trip if you can handle it, Pikachu.” Katsuki rolls his eyes annoyedly. “Bus? To the mountains? I would ruin the fun part.”
“Sorry, someone actually wanted to rest on their holiday.”
“When was the last time you got laid, Kaminari?” Katsuki retorts, clearly trying his best to shut his trap but this is Bakugou Katsuki. He just… can’t.
“When was the last time you got laid, Bakugou? You seem quite grumpy as well.” Rody tries to “help”, but needless to say that comment angers Katsuki to no end.
“You really don’t want an answer for that, Rody.” Eijirou laughs, scratching the back of his head, embarrassed.
“This morning, fucker.” Katsuki answers anyway and everyone who doesn’t know about Katsuki’s fiancé gawks in the background.
“Wow.” Rody is clearly rendered speechless. To be fair, you are not surprised.
“Fuckface.” Katsuki mutters under his nose and makes his way down the hill, taking Eijirou with him.
“Sorry man, I was just joking! I’ll be nice! Please tell me more about this girl…” Rody tries to get out of the awkward conversation, but he only makes it more awkward.
“Girl? Huh. That’s the kind of guy you are? What will your next comment be? “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve?””
“Okay, guys, there is no need for this! I’m quite sure he didn’t mean any harm.” Mirio tries to butt in. “Love is love, it doesn’t matter what shape it comes in. Thank you for telling us about your boyfriend, Katsuki, I’m really proud of you!”
“Fiancé.” Katsuki mutters under his nose, with a slight blush on his face.
“Okay, I feel like my friendly teasing is not really working with you, Bakugou. I am not homophobic. I’m sorry for assuming your sexuality. You just don’t look gay to me.”
“Oh, sorry, I’ll take my rainbow colored feather scarf out of my bag quickly, what the fuck?!”
“Kats, he has a point. We look extremely… heterosexual.” Eijirou adds.
“Second that.” Kaminari butts in.
“Sexuality has nothing to do with looks or behavior, but I feel like conversation is getting out of hand so please, let’s just… let this one go, Bakugou, my friend. I repeat, he meant no harm.” Mirio decides to end the drama; Tamaki is not having a great time, clearly shaking from the stress.
“You two are my best friends, can you please get along?” Izuku sighs, exasperated.
“I’ll behave.” Rody sighs as well. Katsuki doesn’t say anything just makes his way down once again.
“I wanna go home.” Tamaki mutters into Mirio’s ear who only taps the guy’s shoulder a few times to calm him down.
“Trust me, by the end of this trip they will be best buddies.”
Hm. You certainly doubt that.
~•🥦•~
“Welcome to my Island, young folks!” An old man and an old woman comes up to you guys once you reach the park Rody was talking about.
“Always so modest.” The old woman rolls her eyes at the man next to her, trying her best to keep her smile in place. “Welcome, young heroes! We are absolutely thrilled to have you here. We might not live in Japan, but we know all about your work! Your friend here is more than keen on boasting about his bestie, Deku! The whole village is a fan of you guys, so please be nice if they want a picture! We don’t really have heroes here so… you know. We see a lot of stupid celebrities here but not ones we actually respect, so…”
“I like this hag.” Katsuki adds. The death stare he gets from the woman is worth every penny.
“Hag is a good thing in Katsuki-language. He calls his mother a hag too and trust me, he loves her so much. Absolute mama’s boy he is.” Eijirou tries to save the day.
“I ain’t a mama’s boy, what the fuck?!”
The old man cleans his throat.
“I guess you have a lot of questions about this island, but before you fire away, please let me give you a brief introduction.” The old man says proudly. “This Island is the most expensive tourist destination in the area, mostly, because you can only come here by a private jet. I’ve been trying to get an actual airport here, but the island is so small they don’t want to spend the money on it, so yeah. Most of our customers are celebrities, millionaires, musicians who are supposed to be dead but actually, they are not… uhm… Nevermind. There are only a few hundred people living here, mostly the owners of the restaurants, stores and other staff members. This island has three parts; you have the residential area, the tourist area and “winter wonderland”, up in the mountains. That’s where you guys will be staying.” The man grins. “The tourist area is for the people who come here to rest while “winter wonderland” is for the adventurous folk. This bit around us is for the people who enjoy window shopping and walking around the city, it has several shops, live entertainment, amazing restaurants, several 5 star hotels with saunas, onsens, indoor pools and a lot of cute stuff. The “winter wonderland” area on the other hand is… well…” the man laughs. “First of all, you’ll need to climb up that hill to access your lodge. There are no roads to go up by a car, but trust me, the view will worth all that sweat. It’s also a good starting point if you want to climb the big mountain! If you like hiking, you’ll love this place. You can also order food and goodies from the iPad inside your lodge! We have a few guys with flying quirks who can easily deliver to the area! I must warn you, there is quite a lot of wildlife up there so don’t freak out if you hear noises coming from the forest. We try to feed them as much as we can so they don’t eat our customers, but…”
“Robert, what the fuck.” The old woman sighs, but then she looks at Katsuki’s sparkling eyes and starts laughing. “Looks like that youngster likes dangerous things.”
“I mean, we are heroes. We life for the thrill.” Eijirou grins. On the other hand, Izuku looks like he’s about to throw up.
“Can I stay down here with Sweet Pea, then? I don’t want her to get eaten by wolves.”
The old woman laughs.
“Oh, honey, my husband is just being silly, those animals are lovely. Even the wolves. I stayed up there myself when I was younger and I’m quirkless.”
“Ahh, the good old days! Do you remember when Lady Arianne ate from your hands? Such a huge beast she was, yet she never even barked at you.” Robert looks at his wife with a fond look on his face.
“I miss her.” The woman sighs.
“So why is it winter up here?” Kaminari asks the million dollar question, clearly too impatient to wait.
“That’s my quirk!” The old man grins. “I can change the weather. Permanently. It took me several years to get a yes from the government and I had to buy a whole island to be able to do so but I made it!”
“I thought he’s joking when he said he’ll buy an island one day.” Robert’s wife giggles. “He’s a madman.”
“How do you know Rody?” Izuku barges in, finally looking less constipated.
“Oh! This is my father and mother in law!” Rody grins giddily while the two sigh exasperatedly.
“No, we are not. You are not married to our daughter. I told you to stop spewing bullshit, son.”
“You just called me your son!”
“Fuck.”
“Like mother like daughter, of course she also had to find a madman.” The old woman sighs again with a fond smile on her face.
“You see? I’m a perfect addition to this family. Plus, I’m helping you with customers. I’m super useful! And I bring her over all the time, so really, you should thank me for being able to see her so much!”
“Okay, Rody, now shut the fuck up and lead the way before it gets dark.” Robert taps Rody’s back a few times and makes his way towards the nearest pub that has his face on the logo. “If you have any questions, ask Rody or call us. My throat got dry from all the talking.” He dismisses everyone and for a few seconds there’s only an awkward silence as everyone tries to comprehend all the information they’ve got.
“Okay friends, let’s do some grocery shopping before we go up, okay?” Mirio jumps into the air excitedly, pulling Tamaki with him towards the nearest supermarket.
“Yup! Let’s go!” Eijirou follows like a good puppy and everyone makes their way after them except…
“Izuku?”
“Just go with the others, I just. Want to… look around alone a bit.”
Your heart skips a beat. Is he… not happy? Did you do something wrong? Was that little mess up in the plane enough for him to loose himself in his negative thoughts? Fuck. Fuck.
You can’t help but spiral. You really want him to have fun. You really want to see him smile. You just want him to be the happiest nerd in the whole wide world but somehow, you feel like you are the reason he can’t chill right now. Is it because you are weak? Is he still worried about the beasts?
“Stop overthinking. That’s my job.” Izuku giggles and leaves tiny kisses on your cheeks. “I’ll be fine. Now go. Enjoy their company because I will steal you as soon as we get our cabin key.”
You try to believe him. You must. He’s smiling and he looks happy and it doesn’t look forced.
“Are you sure? You really freaked out when Robert said…”
“Sweet Pea…” Izuku jumps into your words, pulling you closer as he speaks. “Yes, I freaked out but then I remembered who are you with. These guys are the top heroes of our country. I might be injured, but I can take care of any danger with black whip if I need to. I just had a moment, that’s all. Go.” Izuku leaves one last kiss on your mouth and makes his way towards the small, cute shopping street on the other side.
“See you here in an hour?” You yell after him, and Izuku smiles.
“Yes. Pinky promise.”
… Next Chapter!
~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~
Potato ramble:
- Sorry if the chapter feels dry, but I had to give you a lot of information about the island otherwise you would have been like “okay what the fuck how.” 😂
- So what can be Deku’s problem? Tell me your opinions!
- Also, feel free to ask questions, but before you do:
Katsuki and Rody’s hate for each other will be explained in the next chapter
The reason why Rody’s girlfriend works so hard while her parents are millionaires will also be explained eventually!
- oh, and this is for those who doesn’t like all the other ships in the story: well, I’m sorry, but this is my story and I wanted to do more than just write a character x reader story so uhm… deal with it? Ignore it? Be nice? I would also like to add that I’m an absolute multi shipper so even though I usually write with KiriBaku, I’m an absolute Bakudeku lover as well, so… yeah. All your ships are welcome here. Like, I totally ship Kaminari and Jirou and I’ll be so mad if they won’t be canon. 😂
- On a more personal note: I’ve been feeling like shit mentally for the last few days so if I’m ever late with some chapters, I’m sorry. I’m trying to write every time I feel relatively okay, I still can’t believe I managed to finish this as I was about to make a post about this being delayed so yeah, be patient with me. It’s hard to write about fluff and happiness when you feel anything but that. 😂 but oh well, real life sucks am I right?
TL: @garfieldthomas @porusuniverse @stickygumchewer @sixxze @mily-moo @aei-sedai-moiraine @aymasakusa @katsuari @kenzie-deadly @shiviwrites07 @lukerycyja-reblogs @cloroxisadelectabletreat @coffeent @kisskissshutmydoor @bobcar1 @yazminetrahan @cringefan @ronimacaroni77 @thekookiecorner @dangerousluv1 @emperatris-rinaka @shotos-angelic-whore @angelsdemonsmonsters @norvacaine @rei165 @unofficialmuilover @yao-ai @happydragonfrog @eeerreehhh @vinivave
#bnha x reader#mha x reader#midoriya izuku x y/n#midoriya fluff#midoriya izuku x you#pro hero deku x reader#pro hero deku x you#midoriya izuku x reader#midoriya izuku
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Okay as someone who’s been through an anime or two. How have you all not gone feral over sun god Nika Luffy and King of hell Zoro.
Specifically how have I not seen a Madoka magica au of this. Not the whole world but specifically the ending of the series and movie.
So if you’re not in the loop let me give a brief overview. Madoka sacrifices her life so that the other characters can be free and happy. In doing so she becomes a god but removes herself from the world. The only person who remembers her is her best friend. Her best friend who sacrificed everything for modoka to live only to lose her. Her best friend who literally becomes the devil to modoka’s god just to drag her back and keep her in the world of the living with her.
Now how have you not made this into Luffy and Zoro. Whether and best friends or a ship you cannot sit here and tell me that Luffy wouldn’t sacrifice his life to safe the crew. Say he had to permanently become Nika for the freedom of his crew. You cannot tell me that loyal Zoro would not do everything in his power to get his captain back. Even if it meant sacrificing his own soul he would do it to bring Luffy back to them.
Like is this to close to cannon and that’s why we’re not losing our minds.
Like I’m just not convinced this wouldn’t happen. If Luffy lost himself to gear five Zoro (and the crew) would bring him back.
Like the set up is right there!
#monkey d. luffy#one piece zolu#zolu#roronoa zoro#it’s just so close to what we already have you just need to push it a little more.#the symbolism of god and demon is already there. now push it to the logical conclusion#the logical conclusion being modoka magica#madoka magica zolu au
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Kintsugi 5
Pairing: Yoongi x reader
Genre: strangers-to-friends-to-lovers, non-idol!au, angst, smut, tiny bit of eventual fluff
Summary: In a fit of spiteful, post-break-up self-improvement, you sign up to a baking class. Yoongi, in a bid to appease his demanding girlfriend, signs up, too. Determined to make him your friend, you end up with more than you ever imagined.
Word count: 7.2k
Content: depression, self-harm (cutting)
A/N: first and foremost, please read the warnings; there's literally only two and one is a pretty significant one so plleeeeasssseeee take heed!!!!!! And let me know if there's anything else I should be tagging for it. Feels too flip for me to ramble in my usual way here given the content of this chapter, so just to say be safe, and I hope you like it! Thank you to my betas @amethystwritesbts @quarter-life-crisis2 @here2bbtstrash
Chapter Four | Masterlist | Chapter Six
Chapter Five - The other shoe
The sun was shining and birds were singing and you wished you were a character in a musical so you could burst into (tuneless) song and run across a field in a circle skirt. You hadn’t felt this good for a long, long time.
“Looks like someone’s in a good mood,” was Taehyung’s greeting to you as you plopped down in your chair next to him. “You get laid or something?”
You had, in fact, got laid last night. It had been even more anxiety-inducing than you had thought it would be, particularly given that Sungbin was a verified Greek god of a man and, well, your body had been through a little since the last time you were fully naked in front of someone new. You had put your body through a lot. The body keeps the score and it also shows the scars. You did not tend to keep them on display and you had hesitated and become awkward and flustered when you remembered them, when you realised he was going to see them, going to see what you had done to yourself.
He didn’t mention them. He didn’t make it weird. He didn’t avoid them nor did he bring extra attention to them. He acted as if they weren’t there at all. Then he made you come until you were seeing stars.
“That good, huh?”
It had been that good. Or maybe it had just been a long time. Either way.
“I think I’m going to fall in love with him, for real,” you said, all dreamy and moon-eyed, staring at your computer screen and seeing nothing but love hearts.
“Girly...” Taehyung’s voice had a slight warning note but you let it wash over you.
“I know, I know, but seriously. I feel happy, Teddy. Legitimately happy. I feel like I can see a future unfolding, a future I might actually want to live in.”
“With Sungbin?”
You shrugged.
“Sure, why not?”
He didn’t answer, not really. You could feel his reluctance; you could almost hear all the questions he wanted to ask. You let him think them. You weren’t going to let anyone burst this bubble.
“What are we doing this weekend, chick?”
You looked up from your desk and took the coffee cup in Taehyung’s outstretched hand. He sat down next to you.
“What do you mean ‘what are we doing this weekend’?”
“What do you mean ‘what do you mean “what are we doing this weekend”’?”
“What do you mean-”
“No, I’m serious. We always do something, but I haven’t seen you for weeks now.”
“Teddy, we are together every day. You’re seeing me right now!”
“That’s not the same and you know it! You’re reserving all your time for Sungbin these days.”
“That’s not true.”
Not entirely. He wasn’t being fair. It was true that you had seen Taehyung a little less over the past month or so but it wasn’t like you hadn’t seen him at all. You had someone else in your life now; you would’ve thought Taehyung would have been a little relieved to get some time back, to be honest.
“Well, what about you?” you asked. “You’re spending all your time with the barista.”
“Hyunjin. And I’m really not. I still have plenty of time for my other friends. For you.”
“Are you suggesting that I’m not making time for you?”
He shrugged.
“I know you’re really into Sungbin right now and things are going well and that’s great. I’m genuinely fucking stoked for you and I hope that it’s everything you want it to be, but I feel a little tossed aside, yeah. Especially because I’m the one who’ll have to pick up any pieces if it goes south.”
That hurt. Coming from Taehyung, that really hurt.
“Why do you think it’ll go south?”
“I’m not saying that it will but you’re honeymooning hard right now and it kind of feels like you’re putting a lot of eggs into one basket. You’re ditching me to spend all your time with a guy you’ve know-”
“I’m not ditching you!”
“I’m just saying you’re letting yourself be taken over by this. You haven’t seen me outside of work for ages. I know you didn’t go to therapy last wee-”
“How do you know that?”
“I know when your appointments are and you were posting on Instagram with a cocktail in your hand at the time.”
“What makes you think I didn’t rearrange the session?”
“Did you?”
No, you didn’t. You skipped that one. Just one. That would hardly hurt. And you were feeling so happy right now, the need for therapy had receded a little, dipping past the horizon, not entirely out of sight, but almost out of mind.
“That is exactly what I’m saying-”
“No, what exactly are you saying? Is this about wanting to see me more or is it about telling me that me and Sungbin are going to crash and burn?”
You could feel tears burn in your eyes and you desperately wanted not to cry. You always cried. All the time. It was exhausting and embarrassing and you were at work, right now – you didn’t have time for this.
Taehyung’s eyes softened and this made your tears well even more.
“I’m saying that I miss you and I’m worried. You are acting like he’s fixed you, like the only problem in your life was that you were single and now you’re not so everything must be perfect. But that’s not how things work and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’m not stupid,” you spat, your voice thick with unshed tears. “I don’t think he’s fixed me. I think he likes me. And I like him. And we are together-”
“Are you?”
“What?”
“Have you had that conversation? Are you together?”
“Well-… What about you and Hyunjin? Have you had that conversation?”
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “We’re keeping it casual for now.”
You didn’t like the sound of that. You hadn’t talked to Sungbin about it because you didn’t think you had to. You thought you were on the same page. Isn’t that what dating was? You dated and then, if you kept dating, you were in a relationship. It was automatic, by default. Why would you date someone if you didn’t want to keep doing it? If you didn’t imagine a relationship with the person, what was the point?
You managed to blink your tears away but an uneasiness had settled in your stomach. What if you’d got it all wrong? Did Sungbin want to keep it casual? You didn’t. It was already too late for that. You were a goner.
Maybe Taehyung was right.
Was he?
You sniffed.
“Well maybe Sungbin and I aren’t.”
“Does he know that?”
Fresh tears. Anxiety. Your old friend insecurity crawling up your throat again. You should have known that this was coming, that there was a line you needed to acknowledge and either cross together or not at all. It hadn’t been like this with San because you had known each other so well before you got together, it really had been a foregone conclusion. This time, though... And there was so much Sungbin didn’t know about you, so much you knew you would have to share at some point and didn’t want to. The thought of revealing your ugliest self to him – to him, a flawless specimen of a man, inside and out, his parents’ pride, and the person you thought most about – was nauseating.
You stood and walked off to the printers, pausing there only long enough for you to realise there was nothing you could pretend to print. Then you carried on to the kitchen, making yourself another coffee, even as the one Taehyung brought you was sitting, steaming, on your desk.
“I’ve been thinking,” you began, sitting across from Sungbin at an outside table, running your finger up the wet glass of your iced latte. “What are you doing for Halloween?”
He looked a little taken aback.
“Halloween? In October?”
“Yeah!”
You held your palm tight against your glass, the discomfort of the cold playing distraction. You were trying to be casual about this. It was normal. Of course you’d make plans. Why wouldn’t you? You fought off the voice in the back of your head saying that you wouldn’t if you were just ‘keeping things casual’. That was why you had to ask.
“I... have no idea yet. It’s only August.”
“That is true, but I’ve been thinking. Teddy always has this massive party for Halloween and does costumes and everything and I would like, this year, to outdo him.”
The party thing was true. Taehyung did throw one every year. And he did always have a good costume... You also always had a good costume, because he planned and bought it for you, but Sungbin didn’t need to know that part.
“Wow, if he’s planning it this early, it must be big.”
“Oh, no, he’s not yet, but I want to get a head start. Like I said, this year I think we can beat him at his costume game.”
“We?”
“Yeah, there are so many good couple costumes out there; it’ll make more of an impact if we do it together, right? Two is more than one etc.”
“Right, yeah, uh... Sure.”
“We don’t have to decide right now, but get your thinking cap on. I am going to destroy Teddy this year and you’re going to do it with me!”
He chuckled a little and you thought this was good. Halloween was, as he suggested, months away, but he hadn’t said no. That counted for something. You ploughed on.
“Also, what do you think to a double date?”
“Oh. Um, who with?”
“Teddy and Hyunjin. They actually got together the night we met! Might be fun. Also, to be honest, I really want Teddy to meet you. It’s been long enough, haha; you need his seal of approval!”
“A test?”
“Yep. He’s my bestie so he has to approve.”
“Right. Yeah... Ok. You and he are really close, then?”
“Yep. And, besides, it gets to a point where someone’s seen you have enough breakdowns that you have to keep them close: he knows too much!”
There was a pause and you could see Sungbin considering his words. You fought the urge to move it on, to brush over it, to drop a hundred words a second to blow past it. But you also just had to... check, to let him know, to try to drip-feed him the information you, truthfully, didn’t want him to have but knew that he had to have, if this was ever going to be serious. It made you anxious, slowly revealing your brokenness to him, pushing him closer and closer to the threshold at which he might say ‘stop, that’s enough; I don’t want you anymore’. He hadn’t yet, but you’d barely begun.
“Breakdowns, huh?”
“Yep. Although, actually, while it was Teddy who held me together after the break-up, it was my ex who really did the heavy lifting before that.”
Sungbin nodded thoughtfully and you didn’t know if you imagined his eyes flicking down to your thighs or not. Probably imagined. But it wasn’t like the two didn’t go hand in hand.
“Sounds rough.”
“It was. Both times, haha.”
He nodded again.
That was enough, you thought. That had to be enough disclosure for now. You could feel it pressing on you, like the oppressive summer humidity; you felt stifled by your exposure, almost a little giddy with the force of your discomfort. If this is what it was like, revealing your darkness to someone, you crossed all your fingers, hoped, and prayed that this thing with Sungbin would last so that you would never have to do it again.
*
You went home with him that night and there was a background buzz of something in your head, this kind of vertigo-swirling of standing too close to the edge of a cliff, an unsteadiness of foot that Sungbin was able to kiss away but which came back two-fold when you were lying naked in his bed. You tried to look at yourself, discreetly, objectively; what did you look like to him? Was he looking at you differently now, tonight, armed with new knowledge? What did he really know? What had he taken from the things you had said? You didn’t want to ask him, didn’t want to talk about it more, didn’t want to have to explain and elucidate and make explicit things that you hoped he would infer.
He didn’t seem different, then, didn’t turn off the light or kiss you goodnight any differently from the way he had before. Maybe it was fine. Maybe your brokenness wasn’t fatal. Or so you could dream.
“Last day, baby!” you cried when Yoongi put his bag on the counter at your very last baking session.
“So it is,” he replied, cool as ever.
You shoved him.
“Be excited! We made it! We’re bakers!”
He rolled his eyes and grinned.
“A rather generous term for yourself, isn’t it?”
You shoved him again.
“How dare you? Do I need to remind you of last week’s triumph? Or should I say my triumph and your tragedy?”
You weren’t being entirely fair. Yoongi’s buns had failed because he had taken on the risk of your illicit ingredient, allowing you to follow the recipe correctly. It was gallant, really. He even said that his buns were alright, not that bad, kind of ok which you knew without having to try them was untrue.
“Should I remind you who is responsible for my tragedy?”
“No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
You grinned at each other and started unpacking your bags. It felt easy between the two of you now. Long gone was your anxiety that used to accompany Thursday evenings, that gnawing embarrassment and glowing shame that you used to feel in Yoongi’s proximity, sure that you were the worst person in the world and that he wanted to get away from you, desperate as you were for his friendship and approbation. You didn’t have to be desperate anymore, because you had it. You were friends. In the spirit of said friendship, you had agreed to celebrate your last baking class tomorrow, so you could get as drunk as you liked without having to suffer the consequences in the office.
*
“Generous term,” you scoffed, looking at your layered cake at the end of the session, assembled and decorated and still standing. “How very dare you. Look at what I’ve made! I’m a genius!”
Yoongi laughed quietly and swiped a finger through the buttercream frosting on top before you could swat his hand away. He put it to his mouth.
“Yeah, it’s not bad.”
“Not bad!”
You swiped a finger through the frosting on top of his cake.
“Yours tastes like shit.”
“Well, now you’re just being mean and I won’t let you have a slice.”
“Fine.” You turned your back on him to put some things in your bag and then turned back. “I didn’t want to eat your shit cake, anyway!”
“You had better be careful or I’ll bring this as dessert for tomorrow.”
You gasped.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
Yoongi turned to face you head-on, a smirk on his lips, mischief in his eyes.
“Wouldn’t I?”
You mirrored his expression and crossed your arms.
“I won’t let you in my apartment.”
“Not even for the booze?”
You faltered. You didn’t buy the expensive shit that he did. You still fully believed that expensive alcohol didn’t give you such bad hangovers. You didn’t want to lose this spat, didn’t want to come out of the bit, but also didn’t want to say no to booze.
“You can leave the booze on my doorstep and go.”
Yoongi broke first and laughed loud, tipping his head back.
“You’re spoilt,” he said.
You sniffed haughtily.
“I deserve nice things.”
Then he gave you that smile that he did sometimes, warm and soft, that made you feel like a broken open caramel truffle, oozing and sweet and sticky, like the two of you were stuck together, sugary fingerprints on your skin and a brown sugar taste on your lips. It was like a secret smile, for special occasions; you wondered who else got to see it.
“Yeah, you do,” he agreed. “Which is why I’m bringing this cake to dinner tomorrow!”
You groaned and pretended to fall, dead, to the floor. Yoongi laughed again.
“I mean it.” He packed the last of his things in his bag. “I’m going to bring this and you’re going to eat it and like it.”
“Over my dead body.”
“If I recall correctly, I do, in fact, owe you a murder, so that can certainly be arranged.”
You both laughed this time and you could think of much worse ways to go, much worse last things to see before you died. Yoongi picked up his stuff and his cake and turned to leave.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“With bells on!” you called after him.
You had taken the Friday afternoon off, just to make sure you had enough time to shop and prepare and, gulp, cook dinner for Yoongi who you were expecting that evening. It was a celebration of your finishing the class but it was also a sign of intention, a new set-up for this kindling friendship that didn’t have anywhere else to meet. You’d take turns: one of you would cook and one would bring dessert and you’d alternate fortnightly. You weren’t sure whether you’d got the short straw to be tasked with dinner first or if you’d rather it were this way. You got the feeling Yoongi was a good cook and you didn’t want to have to follow that, but it felt like a lot of pressure being the first to host. You felt a little embarrassed of your shoebox apartment and cheap things and you knew Yoongi would never care—you knew he would understand completely—but it made you feel a little small, that this was all you had to offer.
Never mind, you said to yourself. He didn’t care and neither would you. It wasn't about the venue; it wasn’t even really about the food. It was about the company. It was about making a space and a time for you and Yoongi to hang out. It was about making a commitment to taking your friendship outside of its bounds and cultivating it. That was what mattered and that was all you needed to focus on.
You were scrolling on your phone, looking for recipes when a message from Sungbin came in.
Sungbin: hey I’m wfh today. I'm about to have lunch can you come over?
Obviously, the answer was yes. You did your best to make yourself look presentable in a rush and hot-footed it across the river to him.
*
“I ordered food, hope that’s ok,” Sungbin said as he gestured to the dining table where two bags of lunch had been placed.
“Sure! I’ll eat whatever.”
It felt a little strained, like the world had twisted itself into an uncomfortable position, but you put it down to the fact that you had never been to his apartment during the day before. He was also working; maybe he hadn’t shrugged off his focus yet. His job was still new and still stressful and this lunch was interrupting it. He was quiet as he sat down and you felt stifled. He ate a forkful and another. Then he put his fork down.
“Thanks for coming all this way. I really wanted to speak to you but work is really hectic so I can’t get away.”
“Yeah, no worries! I have this afternoon off anyway, so it’s no big deal.”
“Oh right. Good. Um.”
You thought to yourself that you were getting good at this: letting silence reign. Maybe it was all the time you’d spent with Yoongi; maybe it was all the time you’d spent in therapy. Maybe it was a sign that you weren’t letting your anxiety run your mouth anymore – even if you really, really wanted it to.
“I thought we should talk,” is how he began.
“About what?” Your guts twisted as you asked.
“I know you were talking the other day about all sorts of plans and things and I just wanted to be clear about... where we are. What we are.”
“Oh, right.” Your voice was airy and thin, even your lungs being squeezed by this cold-creeping fear working through your body.
“I really enjoy spending time with you and I’d like to continue that but, ah, I’m not looking for anything serious. I don’t want... a relationship, y’know? I just moved here and I’m still finding my feet and getting to know everyone and everything and I don’t want to, uh, settle into anything? And I get the feeling that... you do. I didn’t want, um, wires to be crossed or uh, I didn’t want things to get complicated or- I just thought we should talk before it went on any longer. I wanted to just make myself clear. I would like to keep seeing you but I think you want... more than I do. If I’m wrong, just tell me, sorry if I’ve assumed but I, uh, just, get the feeling...”
“Right.”
Your eyes were already blurry with tears. Here it was. The other shoe dropping. Taehyung was right. Sungbin didn’t want you. Not really. He knew who you were and he didn’t want you. You tried to tiptoe into it; you tried to slowly heat the water in the pan but you’d overcooked it. The frog was jumping out. You wanted more. Too much. More than he wanted. He didn’t want you. He didn’t want you that much. He didn’t want your broken parts. He didn’t want your ugliness. He saw your scars and he heard of your breakdowns and he knew that was ‘more’, too much. He didn’t want to carry you. He would have to carry you if you went on for too much longer. You had to be carried because that’s who you were: you weren’t enough, not even enough to lift yourself up. All your good parts, the shiny parts, the parts you thought you had in you somewhere... It wasn’t enough.
“It’s not-” Sungbin was trying to start again, to explain, to let you down even more gently. “I like you; I think you’re a cool person and we have fun. I just can’t commit to more than that. I don’t want to lead you on or pretend this is going somewhere it’s not. Y’know, I really appreciate you making all these plans and things but that’s just- it's really, well, it’s a bit too much for me right now. Do you know what I mean?”
You nodded and hummed and bit your lip to stop it wobbling. Your face was burning with embarrassment: that you were being dumped, that you were crying about it when this hadn’t even been real to start with. It had never been what you thought it was. It was just fun. You had pictured parties and holidays and walking off into the sunset but that was just you. It had never been that for Sungbin.
He didn’t want you. Like a woodpecker pecking at your skull, it hit you again and again: he didn’t want you. He didn’t want you. You tried to show yourself to him and then he didn’t want you. You took him to your water’s edge and he decided not to swim. You should have seen this coming. You should have heeded Taehyung’s warnings. You should have had this conversation before now.
You could feel yourself spiralling, crumbling, sitting at his table with an uneaten salad bowl in front of you. You couldn’t speak because you didn’t know what to say. ‘Please just love me’? ‘Can’t you change your mind’? ‘What if I were different’? ‘I can change’? Would anything make a difference? You couldn’t be different. Not really. It hit you at that moment: you would always be you. All of these things that you had been doing to try to change, to be better, to grow, to stop being such a mess all of the time. They wouldn’t work. Couldn’t work. Couldn’t change who you were. What you were. You’d always just be... this.
“Yeah, I understand,” you whispered, your voice trapped in your strangled throat. “I have to go.”
You stood and whirled around, heading immediately for the door, shoving your feet in your shoes any which way, as long as they stayed on long enough for you to escape.
“No, wait, hold on!” Sungbin called, following after you. “Don’t just go, please. I want to talk- I don’-”
But you were opening the door and running down the corridor and he was calling, but not running, after you.
You wanted to break down, just fall to the floor in a heap and stay there until the ground ate you up but you had to get out of his building. The lift was stifling, a too small metal box with mirrored walls that showed you your red eyes and running nose and face contorted with the effort of trying not to cry, with the fact that you were crying anyway.
You had never felt so stupid. Humiliated. You wanted to scrape your skin from your body with the shame of it. Of course he didn’t want a relationship with you. A man who already loved you and loved you for years didn’t want a relationship with you anymore; why would Sungbin, with the world at his feet, settle for you?
*
You were crying on the subway again. You had sworn you wouldn’t do that. Not after the break-up. Not once you’d finally stopped crying over San. You weren’t going to be that person, that’s what you’d said. No one took any notice; no one said anything; everyone averted their eyes, but you could still feel their attention, were still so aware of the way they were not noticing you. You were a weirdo, a pathetic woman crying on the subway in the middle of a Friday afternoon.
When you got off the train, you considered throwing yourself on the tracks. You would never have done it. Too many people around. A traumatised driver. Delayed and cancelled trains. Compounding your worthlessness by ruining other people’s days? You hadn’t sunk that low, not yet.
You traipsed home, your feet feeling lead-heavy, your legs feeling weak and, as soon as the door to your apartment closed behind you, you dropped to the floor. You gasped in huge, choking sobs; you couldn’t see for your tears and could barely breathe. Your chest felt as though it were caving in on you, squeezing the life out of you. You dragged your nails across your skin to try to feel something else, something different, some other kind of pain and then a thought came to you, sharper than it had been for months, clear before where it had been vague. A directive, not just a thought anymore.
There was a reason you didn’t keep razors in the house but your nails certainly weren’t cutting it. Then you remembered the knives Yoongi had bought you, how he had impressed upon you that they were sharp, that they were good quality and barely used so they should still, now, be sharp. You dragged your body to the kitchen counter and ripped open a drawer. You picked one at random – it didn’t matter which – and sat back down. You shuffled to pull off your cycle shorts and there they were, your mosaic thighs, criss-crosses of light, thin lines and thicker scar tissue. You had always taken a weird pride in the neatness of it. You had always cut carefully and deliberately, as though you were creating something other than scars, other than a mess, other than something you had to hide from everyone. You went over them again, re-cutting all the old lines, each sharp slice of pain a relief, grounding, pulling you back from somewhere.
The relief made you feel hysterical, silly even, the strange, old euphoria of hurting yourself, of being in control of that hurt rushing through you and making you dizzy. It was like coming home. Your breathing came more smoothly and your heart slowed and your tears began to dry and you couldn’t stop, not yet. You had to see how far you could go. A little more. You needed just a little more. You had plenty of real estate; you could make more. You could expand the design, your bloody, little, monochromatic Mondrian.
You felt empty when you stopped. Drained. Exhausted. Sick to your stomach. You let yourself fall sideways, lying on your dirty kitchen floor. You had nothing left in you. You lay there, unmoving, letting your brain tell you whatever it wanted. You didn’t care anymore. About anything. You had nothing. You had nothing to give and no one to give it to anyway. If you blipped out of existence, well, that would be the best-case scenario. Like Buffy’s key in reverse. Blink, and you had never existed at all. That would have been nice.
It would still be nice. If you could just disappear off the face of the earth. You couldn’t bear to look towards the future – a future you didn’t want, that you knew wouldn’t be better than this. The thought of it made your soul shrivel, made you dig your nails into your reddened thighs, made you cringe and wince. When would it be over? Why couldn’t it be now?
*
You distantly heard your intercom ring but it felt as if it were coming from another world. You were gone. You were out of this world. No one missed you. Your apartment was a glitch, a tiny black hole where no one could go and no one wanted to go. It rang for what could have been a short time or a long time—you'd lost all sense of it. Then you heard knocking at your door.
Then more knocking.
Then something akin to thumping.
“Hey,” Yoongi’s voice rang cleanly through the wood and metal. “Are you in?”
Your phone started buzzing noisily on your side of the door, rattling against the floor bar in the entryway. Then there was silence for a while. You assumed he had gone away.
Your door beeped and swung open and there were footsteps, the quiet flomp of shoes hitting the floor, the rustle of a carrier bag. You remembered you had given him your codes in the interest of fairness -- you did have his, after all. You felt so detached from everything that you didn’t know how you felt about that. Yoongi quietly called out for you. You didn’t respond. Didn’t even feel like you could.
Your apartment was small enough that he could survey the entire space in a few small steps, so he would barely have to enter before he would see you. You knew the moment he did; you felt the way the air was sucked out of the room for a second. You felt him freeze, could hear the seconds tick by on the clock on the wall. Then he came into your line of sight, kneeling in front of you, saying your name.
“Fuck, don’t be dead,” he whispered.
He held his hand underneath your nose and felt you breathing. You felt the weight of the sigh that left him.
“Shit, fuck.”
He bent over, turning his head to try to catch your eyes; you could see him but you weren’t looking at him. You weren’t looking at anything. He was a blurry approximation of a man in front of you. He called your name for a third time.
“You, uh, are you alright? ... fuck, fucking stupid. No, obviously not. Fuck. Ok. Uh. I-. Can I... What can I do?”
You couldn’t give him an answer. It was as if all speech and movement had been taken from you. You really had nothing left. You couldn’t give him anything. You felt like a husk and that was all you wanted to be.
“Shit, what should I do? I.. I do-. Well. Ok. Can you sit up?”
You couldn’t even shake your head. You were aware of him continuing to mutter to himself. He stood up and disappeared for a minute or two; you heard the open and shut of cupboards, the rifling through of your jars and bottles and boxes. He returned with a light load.
“I have to-” he started. “I’m going to. You.. I have to- I'm going to touch you, ok? I have to lift you up?”
He hesitated as he came closer but was firm when he gripped your arms and lifted your body off the floor, pulled you sitting upright. You tipped your head back against the cupboard and a deep sigh pushed air from your lungs.
“I still have to- this might hurt. You don’t have much stuff. I, uh, yeah, ok. I have to clean this.”
You closed your eyes when he pressed a soaked cotton pad to your thigh. The burning sting of antiseptic made you feel a little bit alive but it was so short-lived.
He was muttering again.
“Fucking hell. I can’t. You don’t have anything useful. How am I-. What... This is... Fuck, this is going to need stitches. Is it?”
You’d almost never heard him talk so much, not like this, not to himself, not with all these half-finished, curtailed sentences, this stopping and starting. Yoongi was straight-forward, even when he was feeling chatty. This Yoongi was going around in circles.
When your eyes finally focused on him, he looked pale, paler than usual. A little grey possibly. His mouth was pulled in a taut, grim line when he wasn’t mumbling himself through the task.
“Still fucking bleeding? Shit, did I make it bleed again? I can’t- I...”
He sat back a little and looked at you; his eyes were sharp and focused and you couldn’t look at them. Yoongi took your chin in his hand, less gently than you might have expected, and he held you there until you looked at him.
“How can you not have a fucking first-aid kit? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” The anger in his voice registered only dimly. “There’s a pharmacy on the corner and I’m going to go there.” He paused and his eyes were steely and his jaw tight as he worked his brain around how to say what he needed to. “I’m going to go and I’m going to come back and if I get back here and you’re dead, I am going to kill you, ok? I know I promised to kill you but I was fucking joking and you’re not allowed to be dead. Is that clear?”
His face softened as he waited for an answer. You managed to nod your head. He held you a few more seconds before he stood and walked out.
*
It could have been only seconds or it could have been hours until he returned—you neither knew nor cared—but he did return and he dropped a plastic bag on the floor beside you. He tipped it upside down and dumped its contents. He wasn’t looking at you now, not at your face, just at your legs, as he cleaned and tended and muttered to himself some more. He unwrapped bandages and folded over gauze and you let him lift your legs and place them back down. You let him do whatever he needed to, wanted to. It didn’t matter.
When he was finished, he sat back and sighed. He ran a hand through his hair and you saw his eyes alight on something to your left. You couldn’t read the expression that came over his face. Something like horror, something like disgust, something like despair. He leaned forward onto his hands and grabbed the offending object; he threw it into the sink with a metallic clatter.
He sat opposite you for some time. You didn’t say anything. Neither did he. You felt hollow. You could hear it, the wind howling through your empty spaces. You felt like you were all empty space. Just an echo of nothingness trapped in skin. Every part of you hurt, as if the pain were radiating out from your heart, filling the void inside you with a sharp, persistent ache. You couldn’t talk. You couldn’t bring yourself to do it, to have to hear yourself, hear your existence continuing in the world. It hurt. As long as you were silent, you could fade away, you told yourself. Just disappear. Yoongi would go and you would be alone and you could just disappear.
“Do you want to eat?” he asked. “You should eat.”
The thought evidently set him on a path because he stood and opened your fridge, opened your cupboards, looking for food. He stepped over you and then stopped, foot in mid-air. He turned back to you.
“If I’m going to cook, you’re in the way. Can you move?”
You blinked. You sighed. You looked down. Then you felt his arms wrap around you as he pulled you to your feet. It was an awkward drag and shuffle to the sofa, your feet tripping over themselves, Yoongi lifting but not really carrying you.
“Fuck, sorry,” he said on a heavy exhale as you dropped like a stone onto the sofa. “I’m going to cook now.”
*
He held a bowl out in front of you and, when you didn’t take it, he picked up your hands and placed them against the ceramic, lowering it all into your lap. Then he sat next to you.
“Eat.”
You looked at the food, steaming hot; it smelt nice. You wondered what on earth it was and how he could have found the right ingredients in your house. You were still not exactly domesticated, despite your efforts. Yoongi kicked your foot.
“I mean it. Eat.”
You sighed and continued staring into the bowl. Eating would mean conceding to living, to staying alive. You felt defeated but you also wanted to avoid this defeat. Everything about you felt wrong. Hideous. Like things were crawling beneath your skin. You didn’t want to continue that existence. You didn’t want to feed it.
Yoongi took the bowl from your hands and placed it on your coffee table.
“Fine,” he said. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Absolutely not. You shook your head.
“What do you want to do? I don’t know what to do. What can I do?”
You, again, fell sideways, lying on the sofa with your legs still dangling down. It wasn’t entirely comfortable but that hardly mattered. You couldn’t answer; you didn’t know.
Then Yoongi did something that you wouldn’t in a thousand years have expected him to. Just as you had, in his apartment, weeks ago, he crawled behind you and wrapped his arms around you. You stiffened, convinced for a second you might split and shatter. He was warm and soft and you could smell his hair and his breath tickled your neck and it hurt so much. It all hurt so much.
You breathed in deep and when you exhaled, you choked, crying again. You didn’t know you had more in you. You had thought you were dry, but just as there was no end to your sadness, there apparently was no end to your tears.
You lay there, letting him hold you as you cried, letting the sun lower in the sky, letting the stars come out.
“I’m fucking sick of it,” you gasped. “Sick of it, sick of it, sick of it.”
“Sick of what?”
“Everything. I hate it. I hate everything. I hate it. I hate being alive. I hate being me. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how people do it. I just want it to stop. I just want it to stop.”
“Life?”
“Yeah.”
“I get it. I don’t want you to stop being you, though. For what it’s worth.”
You couldn’t hear that kind of thing. Not now. You couldn’t take it.
“You just don’t know me,” you whispered, your voice hoarse from crying and thick from new tears.
“Tell me, then.”
“I fucking suck.”
“How?”
“Literally everything I am. Fundamentally flawed. I’m broken and stupid and I can’t be normal and no one can ever love me because I’m this. I’m just this all the time and I can’t get better and I thought that I could but it’s just me and my fucking broken head and I ruin everything. I ruin everything for everyone and always will and no one can stand me. No one can and I don’t fucking blame them. I can’t stand me either. It makes me sick to be such a useless heap of junk. I’m a worthless waste of space because what is the point of me? What do I do? I need people, I cling to people, I make myself their problem until they can’t take it anymore. I’m depressed and stupid and I will never achieve anything and never do anything and I might as well just die right now because who cares? Literally who cares. I tried and I fucking tried but I’m still me and I can’t run from it or change it and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be here. I don’t know what to do anymore. There is nothing for me. The future is black and it’s bleak because I’ll be there. I’m always there. I can’t get away from myself. I can’t bear it. I have to live like this? For years? More and more years? Twenty? Or thirty? Forty years of this? It makes me sick to think about. I can’t think about it. I can’t think about having to be alive like this for another day let alone any longer. I hate it. I hate being me and I hate being alive and I just wish I wasn’t. I wish I could just disappear. I’m a broken, useless, fucked in the head piece of shit and no one will ever love me because they can’t. I’m unlovable. I’m this and it makes me unlovable but I can’t change it so I will always be unlovable and I can’t do it. I can’t live like that. I can’t do it anymore.”
You took a deep, shuddering breath and Yoongi said nothing. He was quiet for long enough for your shame to creep back in, curling its fingers around the door frame and pulling itself in, unbidden and unwanted. You were embarrassed now, again. You felt stupid. Again. You felt pointless and petty and pathetic and you were about to shrug Yoongi off, to tell him to leave, to crawl into your bed and hide under the sheets when his arms tightened around you. You heard as well as felt him take a deep breath.
“Yeah, I understand.”
There was a pregnant pause and Yoongi cleared his throat.
“But I don’t think any of those things about you. For what it’s worth.”
Chapter Four | Masterlist | Chapter Six
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[9]
OH
Well. That certainly explains a lot.
Watanuki not born to be like Lava Lamp but just Literally being him, but as a living temporary space/time distortion that only exists temporarily.
Which I think is what finally explains why he was in danger of fading out of existence in xxxHolic, and had a few moments where he dropped out of reality completely. That was probably his natural fate all along, to just vanish from existence when his role was up.
Which Yuuko did not stand for and repeatedly brings him back to her little inbetween dimension to keep him safe. And is potentially why she makes excuses to keep him around in the first place, to stablise his existence and using her little pocket existence as a safe space to keep him going. The store is hinted to become His, after all. Maybe if he lived there permanently he could just exist regularly.
It does make me wonder if THIS is also what Yuuko’s probably disappearance will be about as well. If she will trade herself to keep Watanuki alive. As one In-between Being to another.
But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself and WHAT WAS THAT EVIL WOLVERINE SAID ABOUT SUFFERING?
Is the suffering this wish gave their parents an emotional thing, or is it a literal distortion in space time that will rip them apart? Is this also what lead to their deaths, or did they (mirroring Sakura’s parents) also trade their lives to keep Lava Lamp/Watanuki existing?
So many questions but HOT DAMN WE ARE FINALLY GETTING SOME ANSWERS AND I LOVE IT
Also I'm just noticing Yuuko's little step in that last frame as she steps in to interrupt
YUUKO ICHIHARA MVP OF THE UNIVERSE.
I LOVE how this plays out like two competing gods fighting over fate. Or maybe more relevantly, the fairies fighting at the start of Sleeping Beauty - one laying a curse of suffering and death, and the other stepping in to minimise harm as much as possible and give people a hope to survive.
Oh it’s all so beautiful. Evil Wolverine as the selfish, murdering Wish deliverer, who tricked his way into getting what he wants and piled suffering and misfortune around everyone he forces himself to meet. And Yuuko as the person who is technically completely neutral and only balances things out, but Still Steps In to ensure things ARE balanced. She cannot be the benevolent force she seems to want to be at times, but she can enforce balance, and that lets her limit Evil Wolverine when he exceeds the natural order. Wish prices are always precise - if Evil Wolverine disproportionately stretches it beyond what the price really was, Yuuko can find the spaces where he’s wrong and pull him back.
Evil Wolverine trying to connect things up into tragic endings that suit his goals, but Yuuko stepping in and saying no, actually, that's not the bargain.
And this one lonely little boy being in the centre of it all. He was never meant to exist, but here he is, a temporary mistake only meant to fill a hole, and the forces of the universe fight each other around him to either doom him entirely or to somehow keep him alive.
#CAN I BE EXCUSED IM HAVING WATANUKI FEELINGS AGAIN#GOSH to think there was this much extra Watanuki Trauma#That even Watanuki himself does not know yet#WELL WELL WELL how is he going to find out#the end of xxxHolic looks even more full of drama than expected#somehow#Vol 201#Tsubasa#Liveblogging the reservoir chronicle#Watanuki#Yuuko Ichihara#Evil WOlverine#Lava Lamp Guy#GOSH#G O S H
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Crimsons Rivers thoughts pt. 36
chapter 55:
1. kingsley is mad at lily and i GET IT i understand. but all those people are adults and CHOSE to go on the mission. it is not solely her fault
2. NOOOO!! sybil is so dear to me!! and kingsley broke up with her!!! no!!!!
3. god, i feel so bad for euphemia and fleamont. yeah victors were saved. but their children, their two children, were the only ones not brought back home. i don’t know how i would recover
4. “there was Narcissa, who wasn't just in the hunger games; no, she played the game, and she played it well, so well that Euphemia never doubted she would win.” yo that’s fucking terrifying. i-
5. andy and narcissa reuniting has me crying so hard. their sisterhood is so important to me
6. regulus doesn’t have sirius, so all he wants is james to comfort him. i- i can’t do this
7. “It's like this, that he turns to her, and Euphemia knows immediately, just that simply, that Sirius isn't here.
He isn't, because if he was, that's who Regulus would cling to; that's the only person he ever wanted to cling to.”
okay, um, simply stabbing my heart would have been easier
8. “They all knew only one could make it out, and Sirius wasn't going to be the one who did, except more than one has, and Sirius is the only one who didn't.” 😧😧😧
9. god i love dorcas. she is not lying to anyone they saved by saying there will be comforts, but she is saying they will be safe and everyone there will be kind. i love her so much
10. dorcas caring for marlene first >>>>>>>>>
11. LILY AND REMUS REUNITED!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! THEYRE REUNITED!!!!
12. oh shit. wait. that was too soon. before the lily and remus reunion, he hears her say that the absolute love of his life is probably dead
13. remus’ breakdown has me in shock. like i’m not even in tears anymore, i’m just shocked. i- this hurts too bad to even cry
14. “Lily does not know much, she doesn't know what Sirius was to Remus, but she does know for sure now that he was something.
Maybe, as much as she dreads to think it, he was everything.”
😀😀😀 you can’t write lines like that. that feels illegal, to mess with my emotions like that
15. i want someone to care for me the way dorcas cares for marlene. she starts a war early to save her life. she’s willing to kill anyone to keep her alive. she will do anything.
16. “"Perhaps if you had considered the impact of the lives you planned to shape into martyrs, you would have realized that this could happen, and would be no one's fault but your own. You put those people in the arena this year, Albus, didn't you tell me that? All the ready opposition to Riddle, and you couldn't foresee this? Opposition to you?"”
get his ass alberforth. 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
17. “In all his years, Aberforth has never seen a loyalty and love exist as the loyalty and love between those two boys do.”
this is so sweet if it weren’t for the context of the statement
18. 😀😀😀 wow i hate albus
19. “They are at their best together when they are showing their worst to one another and basking in the relief of being next to someone they know won't really care, or have an opinion on it, or judge them.”
regulus and remus’ friendship >>>>>>>
20. as reg is literally beating lily up he’s like “i love her! she’s amazing! she’s my savior!! 😊😊 that’s why i must try to kill her!!!
21. “It was supposed to be me and you, but Sirius is gone. Come back to me, baby, Regulus thinks, but James is gone.” 😀😀 what a fantastic start to my day
22. lily should have had a gun in canon. this au only further proves that to me. the war would be so short is lily evans was given a gun and told to just go off and do what she wanted with it.
23. zar gave marylily hints in the authors notes ??? 👀👀 marylily??? 👀👀 marylily endgame?? 👀👀🌸🍓🎉
24. authors notes: “lily lily lily my beloved <3 she really was about to blow albus' skull open, soooo sexy of her 🥰” AGREED
25. also there’s 420 comments on that chapter and i don’t want to fuck with that number.
#marauders#regulus black#jegulus#sirius black#remus lupin#crimson rivers#lily evans#dorcas meadowes#euphemia potter#lily and remus
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Vain
Pairing: Chris Sturniolo X Female Reader *friendship*
Synopsis: Y/N is stuck in a toxic relationship, and when they break up. She runs to Chris for his advice🥹
Warnings⚠️: Talks of a toxic relationship, trauma, mentions of a hand being raised at readers face
Song for the imagine: Conceited- Lola Young (this song is fucking good literally LISTENNN)
Told me that you loved me, you're just talking to yourself
I don't wanna know, I don't wanna hear it
Let yourself out, you're so conceited
365 days….365 days trapped, hurt and angry. I was angry because I was trapped. Trapped in this god awful toxic relationship. With a “man” who did not care. He could care less if I lied there bleeding in front of his eyes. He’d probably laugh in my face and walk over me. This I knew, and I hated myself everyday for staying with him because I loved him.
How could I love someone as crazy and deranged as him? That I’m not sure of, but when you fall for someone you fall for it all. The imperfections and the beauties. But he…he had too many imperfections. Ones that would bleed into our relationship tainting it.
Him and I started off strong. He was amazing to me, he did it all. I truly felt like a princess when I was with him. He got along with my friends, my family, just everyone in my life. I thought I would eventually marry the guy. But here I am hurt and alone.
About 7 months into our relationship something in him flipped, and to this day I can not understand what happened to him. He wouldn’t talk to me, or explain anything it always ended up in him lashing out.
“Baby…I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I’m here for you” I would tell him
“I don’t need you here for me. Go away” he would tell me
“How can we be in a relationship when you won’t even communicate” I told him
“Shut your fucking mouth” he’d warn
“I don’t know why you resent me so much. If you’re not happy we can break up” I would say softly
“Break up? You’re nothing without me. You need me, you can not live without me.” He would say scoffing
That’s how most of our arguments went. He’d call me useless, pathetic, no good, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I’d have no one on my side if I broke up with him, he’d turn everyone against me. Every horrible thing you can think of, he has said to me.
And like an idiot I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared that he’d truly truly hurt me. Sometimes when we argued and he’d get close to me there would be this twinkle in his eye. A twinkle of malice like he’d actually put his hands on me. Fear controls every aspect of life, more than you’d think.
The only person I felt comfortable going to was Chris and his brothers for help. Often they’d tell me to just dump him and come stay with them, and that they’d keep me safe. However I could never bring myself to do it. I was scared.
Chris and I had grown really close a few months back. I would even consider him my best friend. I told him everything, and when things would get bad and I would have a panic attack it was Chris who was there to calm me down. At first * Y/N boyfriends name* didn’t really care that I was friends with Chris up until things started to get really really bad.
He’d check my phone whenever he wanted, read my messages, go through my DM’s, look at my call history. He’d watch my location constantly asking where I’m going. I was his prey. He wouldn’t leave me alone and he knew it scared me, but that was something he loved
When he would go to work I’d call Chris and catch him up on everything, and then had to beg him to not text or call me, or initiate any contact until I did.
For our one year anniversary last week we didn’t do a thing. He even acted like he forgot, and when I mentioned it he flipped out. Telling me that I’m a piece of shit, and that I didn’t deserve a single thing. But I never wanted anything, I just wanted my boyfriend back.
Today he was at work, and I wanted to be nice and make him some dinner, turn on some music, and just try and have a good night with him.
When he got home I could immediately tell he was not happy, and that this night would end in another fight
“The fuck you doing” he said walking into the kitchen
“Uhhh hi to you too, i was making you dinner” I said giving him a smile
“I’m not eating that shit” he said opening the pot and throwing the lid down on the stove, causing me to jump a little bit
I paused for a moment contemplating how I would go about my next comment
“What the fuck have I ever done to you?” I asked him finally looking at him
“You haven’t done shit for me. You’re nothing, you’re a nobody” he said
“What’s your problem with me? You used to be so sweet and loving, and now you’re just angry and mean” I said back
“You ain’t nothing to me” he spit like venom
“So then leave me” I told him getting angry
“Ha! Leave you. You couldn’t survive a single day without me. You need me. I’m all you have” he shot back
“Not true at all” I spat back
“Don’t fucking speak to me like that” he said walking a little closer
“Speak to you how? I’m talking to you like a normal adult. You’re acting like a child” I told him
“I should fucking spit on you” he said with a smug face
“You’re a fucking psycho. You’re crazy” I told him shaking my head
“Walk away then! Go LEAVE!” He yelled the last part
“Make up your mind! Want me to go or want me to stay” I said rolling my eyes at him
“I could give a shit what you do. I know you’ll be crawling back” he said crossing his arms
“You’re so full of yourself. I don’t need you” I spat back at him
“Yeah you fucking do” he said now standing infront of me
“NO I FUCKING DONT” I yelled at him
“DONT RAISE YOUR FUCKING VOICE LITTLE GIRL” he yelled back
“LITLE GIRL?” I questioned yelling back
“YEAH LITTLE FUCKING GIRL. GO BOOHOO CRY TO YOUR FRIENDS…..oh wait you don’t have any” he said laughing
“FUCK YOU” I screamed in his face, and immediately he raised his hand and I flinched and stepped back. Utter shock on my face
“Did you just try and hit me?” i asked started to walk away from him
I ran and grabbed my purse, phone and car keys. Walking to the front door
“You’re not going anywhere” he said following me
“I am! YOU DONT OWN ME! I'M LEAVING AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. YOURE A FUCKING LUNATIC WE ARE DONE” I yelled at him, swinging the door open and running out and to my car
Once in my car. I started to drive to the triplets house. As he kept calling and texting non stop but I kept ignoring him.
I got to the triplets house, and once I rang the doorbell Chris came down and was shocked to see me
“Hey! What are you doing here?? Are you okay?” He asked reading my face in worry
“I broke up with him” I said as he let me into the house
“What happened??” Chris asked as we went down to his room
“He’s a fucking psycho” I said pacing his room back and forth
“Go on” Chris said
“I make dinner for him trying to be nice, and he comes home all nasty and rude and starts fighting with me calling me all types of names and that I’m nothing without him” I told Chris still pacing the room shaking with anxiety
“And then”…my voice “he fucking raised his hand like he was going to hit me” I said finally stopping
“Did he hit you?” Chris asked in disbelief
“No he didn’t. I walked out before he could do anything” I said
“Y/N, I’m so fucking sorry! You don’t deserve this, and he doesn’t deserve you” Chris said
“God! What the fuck is wrong with me. How could I stay with someone like this for so fucking long. A fucking maniac” I said finally breaking down and crying, and Chris comes running over to grab me and bring me back to his bed
“Hey! Don’t beat yourself up for someone like him. Kids got a lot of fucking problems, but this isn’t your fault” Chris said rubbing my back
“I fucking love him. I will always love that kid, and no matter how shittt he treats me. My chest hurts from how much I love him” I said sobbing
“You can love him, that's normal. But you can’t beat yourself up for how you feel!” Chris told me
“I know but I’m just so fucking stupid for staying with him. No matter how many time you told me to leave him, and so I just didn’t” I said still sobbing
“Listen he’s a horrible person, and yes you should’ve left him a long time ago, but it’s your life and you will do what’s best for you” he told me
“I don’t wanna feel this pain anymore. I don’t know who I am. He completely ruined me” I said to Chris
“It’s going to hurt. It’s going to fucking suck, but you need to hurt and cry and feel pain in order for you to heal. So allow yourself those emotions, and you will see with time it will get better. You don’t need him. You never did need him, you’re a strong independent woman, and never let anyone tell you otherwise. Got it?” Chris said
“Yes. Thank you Chris I love you so much. You have no idea how grateful I am to have someone like you in my life” I responded wiping my eyes
“Kid I love you so fucking much. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to see you hurting or crying, especially over some loser like him. You deserve better…way better” Chris said pulling me in for a hug
“Thank you Chris” I said hugging him back
“There’s plenty of other guys who will truly care for you, and treat you like the beautiful queen you are” he said kissing my head
“You’re right” I said pulling away from the hug to wipe my eyes one more time
“Who knows?? Maybe I’m that guy” Chris said wiggling his brows
I started to laugh “yeah maybe. Who knows” I said giving him a smile
“There’s that beautiful smile of yours” he said smiling back
“I love you Chris”
“I love you too Y/N”
The End
Hope yall like this one too. I’m like ehhh about this, but I liked the idea. I’ll be posting the Matt cabin in the woods, and poignant part 2 tonight, but for rn IMA TAKE A NAP CAUSE A BITCH IS TIREDDD
-J💅🏽
#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo x reader#sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo triplets imagines#chris sturniolo#chris sturniolo imagine#Spotify
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being depressed is so fun! people thinking you wanna die is so fun! being in a shifting slump is so fun! hating all your irls for leaving for tech school is so fun! mom and dad not listening is so fun! hating everything once loved is so fun!
anyways, i’m working on the next chapter of my fic that’s based on my dr but i’m having some writers block help i can’t do slow burn
but also the whole shifting slump thing tends to be a whole part of the journey, and taking a break from it could actually help a lot of my problems. i think shifting and thinking about how i’m so lonely in this reality is really the main thing that’s causing me to struggle. i shouldn’t be completely relying on shifting to my dr to bring me happiness, i should start finding it here. easier said than done though.
sorry guys i needed to rant 😕🙏 no i did not need to vent i was not “venting” i was RANTING god i hate when people are like “you can vent to me don’t worry this is a safe space 🥺” I Do not care. you are not my therapist, i will not vent to you. however, i WILL rant. i will not tell anyone but my therapist (and tumblr) of anything i do not want to discuss with my friends. it doesn’t matter if i’ve known them my entire life, i don’t even tell my sister what goes down in therapy. mom can ask all she wants, but at the end of the day, THERAPY IS FOR THINGS YOU CANT SAY TO YOUR FAMILY
i will literally be sitting at the table for dinner after we’ve said the blessing and mommy dearest will ask how therapy went and what we chatted about. mom that ain’t any of your business. i don’t even want other people to tell me about how THEIR sessions went, like bro keep that between you and your therapist. what’s the point of having one if you’re just gonna yap about it to all your friends??
i’m 100% gonna post shit like this in my dr too tbh like only on tumblr tho cause like… i ain’t gonna post jack shit on twitter and insta is literally for pics why the hell would i shitpost there
anyways bye i’m gonna try to not puke 😊😊😊
#depressing shit#tw depressing thoughts#shiftblr#reality shifting#shifting#teen fame dr#desired reality#fame dr#shifting motivation#shifters#reality shift#girlblogging#shifting blog#shifting consciousness#shifting journal#shifting realities#shift reality#shifting journey#shifting methods#shifting community
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Kai: But when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany!
Kai, earlier: I'm going to throw myself into the sea.
Zane: Kai, you can do anything!
Kai: Anything?
Zane: Anything!
Kai, holding a torch: ANYTHING?!?!
Zane: Wait, not that!
Cole: Guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way?
Nya: Wait, what’s the difference?
Cole: One you can use in the oven safely, and the other you can also use in the oven... if the thing you are trying to make happens to be fire.
Kai: Time sensitive question how flirt boy.
Pixal: Throw rocks at he.
Cole: Hot Dogs.
Morro: Kill him.
Kai: Thanks guys.
Nya: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges.
Pixal: You use emojis like a straight person.
Kai: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.
Kai: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?
Jay: Peonies, why?
Kai:
Jay: Were you going to get me flowers?
Kai:
Jay:
Kai: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ
Jay: Wow, that was quick thinking on that phony sacrifice stuff.
Nya: Oh, that was all real.
Jay: Wait, you were trying to help them kill us?!
Nya: If I’m gonna be sacrificed, I’m gonna do it right.
*The gang is about to do something dangerous*
Cole: Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk?
Kai: Go ahead.
Cole: Be careful.
Cole: Don’t die.
Pixal: *Holds back a laugh*
Kai: Great. We’re all bloody inspired.
Jay: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT!
Cole: At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone.
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch?
Cole: Somehow that's worse.
Kai: I can’t believe my birth certificate says F...
Kai: ...How did I fail being born?
Cole: Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, Zane!
Zane: You can’t expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.
Pixal: You were wise to seek help from the world's most deadly weapon.
Pixal: It's me.
Cole, in a room with Jay, Kai, and Nya: It’s calm in here.
Cole: It scares me…
Nya: Fight me!
Kai, standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.
Zane: Nya got into a fight.
Kai: That’s bad.
Kai:
Kai: Did she win?
Cole: Jay, I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery.
Jay: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out!
Kai: Is that a gun?!
Jay: It's not what it looks like!
Kai: It looks like a gun!
Jay: Okay, maybe it is what it looks like, but in my defense, it doesn't have anymore bullets, so I technically can't shoot it anymore.
Kai: ...ANYMORE?!
Kai, to the Squad: I’d die for you.
Jay: Then perish.
Pixal: You will.
Nya: Please don’t.
Cole: Cool.
Zane: I’d die for you first.
Nya: If you got arrested what would be the charges?
Jay: Theft.
Zane: Disturbing the peace.
Cole: Aggravated assault.
Kai: Arson.
Pixal: All of the above. In that order, probably.
Nya: You know what I asked Santa for Christmas this year?
Jay: If you say me, I swear I’ll—
Nya: You? What? No, I asked him for that cool Ninjago Lego set we saw in Target!
Cole, texting Zane: Zane there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?
Cole: Pls hurry because I’m going to cry
Cole: Zane
Cole: Zane
Zane: Zane is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth.
Pixal: A sprite is anything not static.
Jay: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d.
Cole: A sprite is a fucking soda.
Cole: You god damn geekass bastards.
Kai: *sighs* I have no friends...
Jay:
Jay: *coughs* Bitch, what am I? A roach?!
Zane: *tapping fingers on table*
Cole: *taps fingers back furiously*
Jay: …What’s going on?
Pixal: Morse code. They’re talking.
Zane: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … -
Cole: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Jay: *finds half a watermelon at Whole Foods*
Jay, holding it up for everyone to see: LIES!
Kai: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.
Nya: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Kai, singing: I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need—
Zane: A family.
Cole: A better love life.
Nya: Mental stability.
Pixal: *clueless* Bagels?
Zane: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.
Jay: I'm sorry. Please talk to me.
Kai:
Jay: Hello? World's most amazing person?? Sweet pea? Precious cinnamon roll that's too good for this world, too pure?
Kai: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my fucking M&Ms.
Nya: You think that’s cringe? Moms around the world wait 9 months just to end up naming their kid Jay.
Jay: Hey, fuck you.
Jay: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!
Pixal: Why is Kai crying?
Zane: They saw a leaf on the sidewalk and-
Kai: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY!
Pixal: Please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say-
Kai: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH!
Pixal: NO, NOT THAT!
Zane: Hey, what have you two been up to?
Nya: We were helping Kai write his vows, but he kicked us out because Cole was making inappropriate suggestions.
Cole: How is “Jay, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?
#ninjago#cole ninjago#kai ninjago#jay ninjago#ninjago nya#ninjago pixal#ninjago zane#plasmashipping#glaciershipping#hotwireshipping#jaya#ninjago jaya#oppositeshipping#bruiseshipping#geodeshipping#conya#mudshipping#crack#long post#incorrect quotes#source: ???#source: various#ninjago morro
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His Dark Materials Season 3 - Full Season Thoughts
When I say that I’ve been waiting for this not just for two years since S2 but also for 15-ish years since I read the book, I truly am not exaggerated, I just know that I’m going to be a MESS and bawling at the end of it.
Warning: not only for spoilers under the cut but also because I’m fangirling AND screaming a lot about this series so… yep! Be prepared!
Episode 1: The Enchanted Sleeper
I HAVE MISSED THIS SHOW SO FUCKING MUCH
AMBER SPYGLASS ADAPTATION HERE WE GO 10 YEAR OLD ME IS CRYING SCREAMING SHAKING THROWING UP
Will looking for Lyra 😭❤️
The fact that in her dream-state, the first thing Lyra asked for was Pan, and me knowing what’s coming??? Oh, this season will truly break my damn heart-
ROGER ROGER ROGER 😭😭😭😭
THE TITLE CREDITS CHANGED AND I SAW THE LAND OF THE DEAD AND HARPIES AND ALSO THE MULEFA ASDFGHJKL
DADDY ASRIEL BELACQUA IS BACK ASDFGHJKL
Stelmaria is so bloody beautiful, oh my god, Asriel truly has such a beautiful dæmon
THE GALLIVESPIANS ASDFGHJKL HOLY FUCK EVERYONE ITS ALL COMING TOGETHER
Am admittedly a little disappointed they’re not riding dragonflies or anything
ASRIEL IS WAGING HIS WAR IT’S HAPPENING
I’m so ridiculous, I fangirled seeing Ama because I was like “I REMEMBER HER FROM THE BOOK”
The BSL between Mrs Coulter and Ama omg I was not expecting that but I was literally captivated the entire time they were on-screen, 11/10 choice
Pan weakly asking Mrs Coulter to let them go 😭 also hi Kit Connor, I keep forgetting you’re the voice of Pan in this series
Why is Father Gomez… hot tho 💀
THE GAY ANGELS KISSED THIS IS GOD TIER FUCKING CONTENT GOD FUCKING BLEEEESSSSS
Baruch and Balthamos, yet another reason my heart is going to fucking shatter tonight
Ogunwe’s eldest daughter being “soulless” and Asriel explaining it by explaining his and Stelmaria’s bond and saying what happened to the girl is the same as cutting his dæmon/soul away 😭
Lyra managing to escape but she’s so weak that she didn’t get far and Marisa caught her 😔
The mother-daughter dynamic is so interesting in such a messed up way, like Marisa truly thinks what she’s doing is right and will protect Lyra but also her method of keeping her daughter safe is to drug her and keep her asleep in a cave/hideaway somewhere, truly unstable and unhealthy parenting techniques here
Ama saw her chloroforming Lyra oh my god 😦
IOREK LOOKING FOR LYRA OH MY GOD 😭 HE LOVES HER SO MUCH I LOVE ONE BEAR DAD AND HIS HUMAN DAUGHTER
Will really sliced Iorek’s helmet like it was butter, no wonder Iorek was like “nope I’m not fighting I can’t fight a knife that does that to my armour”
Not Father Gomez sniffing Mrs Coulter’s (?) dress 💀
Oh no no no not the spy fly things being sent after Mrs Coulter, Jesus H-
Marisa telling the monkey to leave her alone and he just doesn’t??? Like he wants to try and comfort her but doesn’t know how, and he doesn’t say anything but she knows what he’s thinking??? Their dynamic is so messed up, I love it
“Welcome to the Republic of Heaven, Commander” CHILLS LITERAL CHILLS
They ended the episode with an “in memory of” for Helen McCrory (the voice of Stelmaria in S1&2) and I nearly started bawling oh my god
Episode 2: The Break
“Nearly 400 years with Baruch must have mellowed me” - OH MY GOD T H E M
“We feel as one, though we are two” - THEY ARE SO…?!? THIS IS BEAUTIFUL ASDFGHJKL
“And you’ll find a way to protect the one you love” - 😭😭😭
SPYFLY?!
I know it’s been three years since the end of S1 aired and obviously the young actors grow fast, but damn is Roger’s voice deeper than when he died
“They’re hurting me” - NOOOOOOOOOO
“Just tell me where you are and I’ll find you!” “... The Land of the Dead” - FUCK ME
Lyra screaming for Roger like that, I feel so sick
Pan’s little ermine noises are so cute omg
“Where did you go? I... I couldn’t follow you there.” (Pan to Lyra) - NOT THE FORESHADOWING, JUST RUN ME THROUGH WITH A KNIFE AT THIS POINT, IT WOULD FUCKING HURT LESS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
QUEEN RUTA SKADI AAAAAAHHHHH
“It would take more than a little crash to put an end to the pair of us” - I swear to fucking god, if this is more foreshadowing-
(it’s been a few years since I read TAS, okay, give me a break if I’ve forgotten anything)
AAAHHHH MARY MALONE I MISSED YOU
Wait did she just walk into Ogunwe’s camp???
“Something happened here a few days ago and now they’re everywhere” - WHAT ARE??? IS IT THE BUZZING???
The way I tensed up seeing Marisa approach Ama jesus christ i do NOT trust that woman
Also Ama’s outfit reminded me of Lyra’s Jordan College outfit from the film, like the red pinafore and blue dress underneath I mean
ROKE??? AND HE MENTIONED LADY SALMAKIA AAAAHHHHHHH
“When is Lyra not in danger?” - LMFAO true though
“You dismiss Lyra too easily” - Exactly, thank you Stelmaria! Was not expecting her to come through for Lyra but I’m pleased!
“Eve was the Mother of Creation, Lyra is simply the creation of Marisa and I. She is not Eve, she’s a little girl” - OOF
“She must have some information they need or some skill we’ve overlooked.” “Other than being able to read the Alethiometer, she has very little, I’m afraid... other than a nose for trouble” - DAMN ALRIGHT CHILL ASRIEL
The way that Stelmaria snarled so angrily at him talking about Lyra like that oh my GOD
“What??? What would you like me to say?” “The truth.” - FUCK YEAH, Stelmaria, call out your human like that!
“There are angels above the camp” - OOH SHIT
“What are they doing?” “They’re fighting” - OH FUCK WAIT I THINK I REMEMBER THIS NO-
I AM NOT READY TO LOSE BARUCH YET NO NO NO NO FU-
“He’s leaving us” — NO FUCK OFF FUCK OFF I FUCKING CANT DO THIS TODAY-
“My Balthamos” - IM NEVER GOING TO RECOVER FROM THIS, NEVER, THIS IS TOO PAINFUL
HIS LAST WORD WAS “BALTHAMOS” I AM GOING TO SCREAM
Yes we got gay angels kissing but at what cOST 😭😭😭😭😭😭
BALTHAMOS FEELING IT WHEN BARUCH DIES ASDFGHJKL NO I CANNOT COPE, IM GONNA BE SICK, THIS IS SICK, PHILIP PULLMAN IM HIDING UNDER YOUR BED
“This is your fault… you forced me to come here! I wanted us to stay together, I wanted to go with him! They’ve killed him!” - literally STAB ME, it would hurt FAR less 😭
Father Gomez is so hot but he has a spider dæmon so it’s a hard no from me 🙈
“I once killed an innocent young boy in order to harness it (Dust)” - yeah, and we still haven’t FUCKIN forgiven you
Not Asriel straight up torturing Alarbus in his Dust experimenting chamber :l though he DID kill Baruch so...
“You think you’re significant - He does not even know your name” - DAMN, what a sick burn
“We have a life in the resistance; we can read, write, learn... all those things are forbidden by the temple, especially for-” “Girls.” - oh damn. It’s obvious that this is a commentary on teachings by the church or whatever, especially how it used to be in the past. (My brain is tired so I can’t do full analysis, but I’m sure other people out there will do it better than me)
The girls wanting Mary to stay “to rest” and then asking her about why she’s looking for the girl while pouring her a drink... feels very ominous to me and I hope I’m wrong
(Spoiler alert: I was wrong)
The Magisterium straight up sending out a death squad to kill Lyra, Jesus Christ it’s almost hilarious how far gone they are that they can’t see why killing a teenage girl is wrong, like mother of sin or not, that is still a teenage girl
Will to Iorek: You attract too much attention - YOU DON’T SAY LMAO HE’S LITERALLY AN ARMOURED BEAR
Of course Balthamos knows sign language, that literally makes so much sense because he’s an angel so of course he’d know literally every language in history - and so of course he appears and translates because she can’t hear Will and he doesn’t sign. I love it
I know only a small amount of BSL but I felt so happy when I was able to read Balthamos signing “W-I-L-L” and Ama finger-signing her own name
“But no mother could possibly be this cruel.” “This mother would.” - DAAAAAAAMN
She’s growing sunroot, which is a waking medicine oh my gOD I love Ama, she is truly an icon in her own right even though she’s only in two episodes
Will smiling a little when he sees Lyra sleeping :’)
THE WAY I JUMPED AT MARISA’S VOICE OMG
“I always suspected that you were coming, but I didn’t think you’d be the first” - oh my god, she KNEW Will would come sooner or later, she knows how much he cares for Lyra
Her offering him tea and my first thought being “do NOT drink anything she gives you, do NOT do it”
“I’m keeping her here because I’m her mother, and I love her” - BITCH, you’re straight up drugging her, mother or not you are NOT showing your love in a healthy way
See, I get that she says she’s trying to keep Lyra safe because she knows the Magisterium want her dead, but like... drugging her? Keeping her there against her will? Ma’am, please-
“Because she hates me, Will, and if I woke her she’d run” - damn I’m not surprised, you’ve not exactly been the most loving of mothers at this point
“Wouldn’t your mother do the same for you? A child needs their mother. You understand that, Will. You need your mother” - oh NO, no, no, do NOT bring up Mrs Perry!!!
“And here’s the trick they never tell you: your mother needs you” - oh she’s a goddamn SNAKE
“You promise that you’re keeping her safe? That you’ll carry on keeping her safe?” - Will, nOOO do NOT leave her there
Oh, she nearly CRAPPED herself when he mentioned going to Asriel
“I have seen them together; where one goes, the other follows” - literally everyone else notices it, they’re really not subtle
“You would use your own daughter as a trap?” - yeah, no, that really doesn’t shock me at this point, the man has no fuckin morals anymore
Oh okay PHEW, Will actually has a plan and isn’t just blindly trusting Marisa, I’m resting a little easier now
“I’m counting my steps - we’ll return by them in another world” - OH SHIT HERE WE GO
Nah, that monkey is STILL giving me the chills, fucking hate that monkey so bad
“Your mind is muddled” - this episode has featured so much Stelmaria calling Asriel out, and that’s content I’m honestly living for
Marisa giving the monkey a massive rock and going “do your worst”... AND THEN SHE LOWERED HER HEAD AND HE SMACKED HER OVER THE HEAD WITH IT WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON I LITERALLY GASPED, like she clearly was telling him to do it but WHYYYYY???
Ama was so ready to go with Will and help him, we have to stan
So now Marisa looks battered and bruised...? I’m guessing she’s got some kind of plan here???
Ohhhh okay, I get her plan now: she looks all beaten up, she tells Gomez that Will has come and taken Lyra, it looks like Will has hurt her when he stole Lyra, Gomez will then hopefully leave thinking that she doesn’t still have Lyra... got it. Bit extreme to have your dæmon beat the shit out of you though
“You know, he had several hundred miles and the boundaries between worlds to cross, and yet... he still managed to get here before you. Bravo.” - LMFAO the shade
“... I am going to take Lyra now, Mrs Coulter” - Oh he didn’t fall for it in the slightest lmao he was like “well, at least you tried”
“you gave her the terrible punishment of her existence” is such a cruel line, jesus christ my dude
He’s not even trying to hide the fact that they want to murder her daughter omg
THE WINDOW IS FORMING ASDFGHJKL WILL IS COMING
Is she trying to distract Gomez so he doesn’t see Will and the knife?!? Is she actually doing something good???
Pan hopping into Will’s coat pocket omg that’s so cute I love it
THAT MONKEY IS FERAL
SHE WHACKED HIM OVER THE HEAD OH MY GOD
“Oh dear… perhaps you were right about that strength” - LMAO she’s so iconic
Not Marisa thinking she’s coming with him and Lyra 💀 I don’t know whether I feel sorry for her or not at this point
“Do you think it’s that easy to dispose of me? Is that what you do, Will? Was your mother as easily disposed of? Where did you leave her?” - ACTUALLY NAH YOU KNOW WHAT, I don’t feel sorry for her at all
His mind isn’t empty enough, she’s distracting him, he’s gonna break the knife 😭😭😭
THE KNIFE BROKE I KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT DAMN
NOT HER THREATENING WILL WITH A GUN AND LYRA STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM TO PROTECT HIM
AH THE GALLIVESPIAN STINGING HER YESSSSS
The airships shooting at them and Iorek immediately jumping to defend them I’m-
“Iorek’s here?” - YES, HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH 😭
Ama jumping on that soldier and Will killing him before he can kill her I’m-
Asriel really arrived super late to the party, literally all the fighting is over and done with 💀
Ohhhh he’s seen Marisa 👀
Lyra taking Will’s hand as they lie together under the stars 😭❤️
Episode 3: The Intention Craft
I’m gonna try to keep my notes a little bit briefer because it took me two hours to watch a 57 minute episode on episode 2 :’( this is 8 hours worth of tv, it’s currently 00:20 am and we’ve only done two episodes so... yeah
NOT THE SHOT OF THE DÆMON (presumably Pan) ALONE ON A DOCK ASDFGHJKL; YALL THIS IS SICK
“Whatever happens... we’ll be together” - having read the book is both a blessing and a curse because on the one hand I’m somewhat able to prepare myself beforehand but on the other I KNOW how painful this is about to be and I can’t stand it
Oooh Marisa is Asriel’s prisoner :O
I think Asriel is enjoying having her as his prisoner a bit TOO much
The way he was right behind her, so close he was literally breathing on her neck as he tied her up... asdfghjkl;
“You could be standing here beside me, you know” - NOT THE MARISA/ASRIEL FEELS asdfghjkl
*taking her necklace in hand* “still wear this?” - ASDFGHJKL did he give that to her?? Or is it just one of those “oh you still wear this?” things???
“How could you and I have produced another Eve?” - no but same, I’m still wondering that lmfao
Not him calling Lyra a “wretched girl” and acting like it’s her fault Marisa turned up to whisk her away?!
Did they collar and chain up her monkey dæmon too??? Damn, he knows her well lmao
“You seem different.” “So do you.” “...you’re staring.” - oh my gOD
Not Salmakia spying on them :’) “I haven’t been hiding, you just haven’t been looking” LMAO
“How do I know you won’t cut into another world?” - umm because the knife’s broken??? It ain’t cutting shit right now
Ahhh she’s got her Alethiometer back! All is right with the world :3
“Since he’s died, I’ve done none of the things he’s asked me to do” - awww Will :(
Are we gonna meet the Mulefa this episode? The next one? :O
“Because Roger’s dead body was in a cage! In a cage that he made, he killed him!” - when she puts it like that, I’m not shocked she wants nothing to do with Asriel anymore, damn
“to work alongside a murderer?!” - 1) Will is a murderer? 2) The reason she trusted Will was because the Alethiometer told her he was a murderer?? But I get what she means
I don’t like when Will and Lyra argue :(
“Lyra is pushing him to do things he doesn’t want to do.” “Oh, she is her mother’s daughter!” “You don’t trust her?” “She’s also mine.” - LMFAO TRUE ENOUGH
The device Asriel is using to communicate with Salmakia with is so cool omg
Father MacPhail really just sitting there in the dark all like “where have you gone??” I think he’s losing it a little
RED PANDA PAN AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
“You’re not always right, you know that?” - LMAO I love Lyra and Pan so much
“Your father was right about you - you are insufferable” - OOF DAMN
NOT THEM LEADING THE MONKEY ON A CHAIN LIKE A DOG
At least they gave her new clothes I guess?
“I have been the worst mother in the world” - NO SHIT
“I didn’t think of her for years - and if I did, it was only to regret the embarrassment of her birth, the humiliation-” “Ridiculous! I have never understood why a child born of our love should be a humiliation!” “An illegitimate child and a murdered husband! That is quite something to carry on my back” -- Damn, this trial literally just became a couple’s counselling session for Marisa and Asriel??? And Asriel straight up admitting he loved her??? That they loved each other???
I will not ship them, I will NOT ship them, I WILL NOT-
“What if Iorek’s not there?” “He wouldn’t leave without me” - AND WE ALL KNOW IT ASDFGHJKL
“I know it wasn’t real, but once or twice I woke up and she was holding me... never been held before” - I’M NOT CRYING YOU ARE-
IOREK AND LYRA REUNITING, HER HUGGING HIM IM SOBBING ACTUALLY I LOVE ONE GIRL AND ONE BEAR-
There’s something very special to me about Lyra sitting against Iorek’s flank, I can’t explain how soft it is
“Huh, still a Silvertongue” - asdfghjkl; he’s the one who gave her that name, it’s literally a title he bestowed on her, I love it :’)
Oh no, is Dr Cooper the one from Bolvanger??? Am I remembering correctly???
“Ah yes... you always were easily impressed by what he made” - DAMN I should NOT have cackled like I did
I can’t get over how charged the scenes between Asriel and Marisa are, my goodness-
“The inventor of hideous machines, capable of tearing children apart” - you’re one to talk, remember what you did to Roger????
“But along comes some foul mouthed arrogant little brat with dirt under her fingernails, and ohhh you can love her! You cluck and you settle your feathers over her like a mother hen-” - JESUS I’M-...?!?
The way he slammed her up against the intention craft after she spat at him, his hand on her face... I thought they were gonna kiss, holy SHIT
“Every hideous thing that you’ve done in his name... and it was all a lie” - DAMN, this episode is cutting so deep in all the best ways
It’s the way I know what’s going to happen, I know the knife is fixed, and yet I’m still nervous
“Find what matters!” *glances to Lyra* - oh they are NOT slick, they’re so obvious about this and I’m all for it
Imagine being Will and waking up to see a massive looming bear standing over you, omfg
YAY, the knife is fixed! (I knew it would be but still) I love that it looks more twisted, at least in my opinion
“You will always be a welcome visitor to Svalbard, and the same is true to you, Will. You are worthy of each other. Goodbye, Lyra Silvertongue - I hope we do meet again one day.” - NOT ME CRYING OVER AN ARMOURED BEAR’S RELATIONSHIP WITH A GIRL
Now why is Asriel showing the prisoner angel to Marisa, no good will come of this-?
“He’s beautiful.” “Everyone’s beautiful.” - this plus the way he keeps leaning and shit around her... at this point, everything Asriel has done this episode just straight up seems like him flirting with Marisa lmao
Eyyyy Balthamos is back!!!
Balthamos: so, you ready to go to Asriel yet? // Will: LOL sorry nope
And just as soon as he was back, he went away again :O
“my mum’s always said if a friend needs help, you should give it” - Will Parry is his mother’s son through and through :’)
“That no doubt depends.” “On what?” “What Asriel does to him.” - oh god he’s gonna fucking kill that angel and cause more chaos, I can feel it
NOT ASRIEL AND MARISA TEAMING UP TO TORTURE THE ANGEL AND DESTROY HIM
Damn even Marisa looks kinda freaked out by Asriel torturing the fucking angel oh my god
LMAO SHE RAN SO FAST TO THE INTENTION CRAFT
“Goodbye Asriel” should NOT have hit me so hard, oh my goodness
Yeah, no, I don’t think the knife can cut through to the land of the dead? Which makes sense all things considered
OH, the last world he could cut to before the land of the dead is the desert wasteland one from Lyra’s dreams! :O
Pan like “wait, this doesn’t feel safe” and backing away whimpering :’(
IS THE SAD THING GONNA HAPPEN NEXT EPISODE NO NO NO I CANT HANDLE IT
I thought we’d have until like episode 6 or something :’(
Episode 4: Lyra and Her Death
Judging from the title of this episode... FUCK I AM NOT READY WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE’RE AT THIS POINT ALREADY
(If it’s not this episode then it’ll probably be the next one, either way I’m not READY)
Pan: *whimpering* // Lyra: Pan, stop that - :’(
“Then where are everyone’s dæmons?” “We’ve been in plenty of worlds without dæmons before, just get in my pocket and we’ll be fine.” “There are people here who should have dæmons but don’t.” - PAN IS GONNA MAKE ME SOB THIS EPISODE ASDFGHJKL
Not Marisa running straight back to the Magisterium jesus christ girl why
“Good. This is good.” - NO IT FUCKING ISN’T LYRA
“How long do we wait?” “Until you die, of course!” - well, I mean, it IS the land of the dead so...
I genuinely cannot tell what is going on in Gomez’s head at this point O_o he’s so creepy
“Somewhere out there is a tempter, a serpent, and I had to keep them from meeting” - but here’s the thing: the angel told Mary that she was to play the role of serpent, and she and Lyra have already met. But also, Marisa maybe thinks the serpent is Will, which adds a whole new layer to this whole situation???
“And the way he (Asriel) is fighting, Hugh... it’s is terrifying” - oh look, me and Marisa agree on something for once!
“Sometimes your devotion is hard to read” - lmao true
“You have my mind, my body, and my soul (...) He could never resist temptation, whereas you... your abstinence is magnificent” - exCUSE ME WHAT MARISA????
I deadass thought he was about to try and force himself on her then
“Remember what we did together... our lives are entwined” - UMMMM??? I’m not the only one reading into that in a slightly sexual way, right??
Who knew that the waiting area in the land of the dead was like your everyday doctor’s waiting room, complete with grating elevator music??
I both want to know what’s in the chest Gomez gave Marisa and I also do not want to know O_o “it’s how we found you, a kind gift”?
Is there some generational mother-daughter trauma theme going on here or...? Because she said “mother” and he said “she was only too happy to help”, and her response was “of course she was”?
Is Mary in the Mulefa world right now???
“Feels like we’re in a horror film.” “... Why would you want to watch a film that makes you feel horrible?” “...You make a good point.” “I like the film with the bear.” - ASDFGHJKL, THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION XD Also the reference back to S2 where they were watching Paddington omg
“Everyone has a Death. Goes everywhere with them, all their life long.” (Lyra: Isn’t that scary?) (Larissa(?): Not at all, dear. It’s natural) “From the moment you’re born... your Death comes into the world with you. And it’s your Death that takes you out. There’s love in that.” - Pan’s little face :’(
“When you’re ready, they say it’s beautiful. Your Death says, ‘easy now, easy child, you come along with me’. And you go with them, to the boat and the boatman.” - not me getting emotional over the talk of death, fuck me-
Pan retreating back into Lyra’s pocket sadly, like he KNOWS he won’t be allowed to go with them, I hate it here-
DAMN, Marisa slaying in that purple dress with heels, holy shit-
“If you won’t stop...” “You’ll do what, exactly?” *dramatic music stops* “... I’ll fetch support.” “Good. We all need support.” - BAHAHAHAAHAHA This show is a fucking comedy at times oh my god
The fact that any part of the dæmon guillotine design is being reused is horrendous, let alone as a fuckin BOMB
“*casually* Oh. They’re here for me.” - LMAO
“Wait: can we talk about this?” - Will asking the REAL questions here omg let’s not do this please
Lyra: You were on my side. // Pan:... I thought I was by your side.” - STOP RIGHT NOW FUCK YOU
Lyra’s Death is there?!?! And she’s just leaving Will?!
Pan running after Lyra as she walks with her Death, I’m about to sob
Not them taking a lock of Lyra’s hair from Marisa while she sleeps??? And her sending Roke after Gomez, she was pretending to be asleep asdfghjkl
They’re using the lock of Lyra’s hair that Marisa has kept to aim the bomb at Lyra?!? Jesus fucking Christ, and they still think they’re the good guys here???
“I’m always here. I’ve followed you your entire life. I am a special devoted friend who’s been beside you every moment of your life. Who knows you better than anyone. Who knows you better than even you know yourself.” - oh shit
Also Pan being like “that’s not true!”, like he’s so offended by her Death saying that when he’s right there
If I remember correctly, wasn’t Lyra’s Death male in the book? Or...?
“I don’t want to be exceptional. Maybe once I did. My parents... that’s all they care about. I just want to be good. I just want to help someone, and Roger needs me... and I wasn’t there the last time he needed me.” - oh my heart is hurting so bad right now because in S1E02 I’m pretty sure she said to Pan that no one ever thought they’d be exceptional etc, and also the fact she still feels guilt for Roger’s death :’(
I’ve spent 15 years trying to imagine what a mulefa looks like... and now finally I know! Oh my goodness?!?! And it brought Mary food?!?
“You take me into the BEST places, you know that?” - LMAO Will’s so funny when he wants to be
“What else is there left to do?” Oh, I don’t know, Doctor Cooper, maybe NOT make a fricking bomb??? Also eyyyy Roke stung her!
“Arrogance. Sheer arrogance. I underestimated them” - yeah, no kidding, Marisa
Oof Marisa’s on a damn warpath, she’s gonna destroy the Magisterium and I’m so here for it
“What if we don’t come back?” “Then we’ll have died doing something important” - I’m way too emotional for this episode, I’m already losing my mind and emotions and I know it’s just going to get worse and worse :’(
Marisa calling out MacPhail as a sinner oh this is delicious the tea is so delicious today
“You have no right here; you are a wanton woman who has always wanted what she didn’t have. Your husband was killed by your lover, the heretic Asriel, and your illegitimate child was abandoned until she became sin itself.” - OH DAMN
“You will address me as Father President or Your Grace” - damn, man is on a freaking power trip?!?!
“I’m sorry? This is where your loyalty lies? Not with that above? Not with truth but with power?” - Marisa is spilling ALL the truth today oh my lord she did not come to play around
“This is all you really are: an incoherent, emotional woman. Why should anyone trust you? You can barely string a sentence together” - OH YOU LIL BITCH I’M ABOUT TO THROW THESE HANDS
He took her locket?!?
“And when we sever your dæmon, you will be the bullet to kill Lyra Belacqua and to save us all from sin” - on the one hand, isn’t it ironic that her own dæmon severing technology is about to be used on her? But on the other, this man is one cruel motherfucker and I’m raging right now, FUCK this dude
“Take her to the cells... and bring her dæmon to me” - nah man, I’m about to be sick, fuck these motherfuckers. Fucking MEN, AM I RIGHT
Oh no. Oh no no no we’re at the docks and Pan is whimpering already I’m not strong enough today for this-
“I’m sorry, one of your party is unsuitable for travel at this time” - NO NO NO NO NO NO NO-
“We have to follow the rules. A pain, but necessary. No passage. Not for him.” “But he is me.” “If you come, he must stay.” “I don’t think you understand, if we separate we die.” “But isn’t that what you want?” - I’m really about to be crying at 2:30am over Lyra and Pan again aren’t I????
Pan running away because he knows Lyra will follow and he thinks it will stop it from happening, my HEART
“No, that’s not right, I don’t leave part of myself behind, why should she?” “Yes, you do, absolutely, you do. It’s her misfortune - or luck - to be able to see and talk to the part she must leave. You will not know until you are in the water, and by that time fortunately - or unfortunately - it will be too late for you to do anything about it. But you must all leave that part of yourselves here.” - NO NO NO NO NO I’m just going to keep chanting it until it stops fUCK
“We’re gonna get on the boat. Don’t worry.” “Lyra, you’re not listening to him, he won’t let us.” - AND LYRA BRINGING PAN ON THE BOAT TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM :’(((( she even tries to pull the thing herself but she can’t, I’m siCK-
“We can’t separate... we can’t...” :( :(
“I’ve taken millions across... none have come back.” “We will. You don’t know Lyra and you don’t know me, but we’ll find a way. Another way. So since we’re doing that, be kind, boatman. Let her take her dæmon.” - Will trying so hard to get them to take Pan, even brandishing the knife, but it’s not happening asdfghjkl
“How many ages do you think I’ve been ferrying people? Do you think if anything could hurt me, it wouldn’t have happened already? You think the people I carry come with me gladly?! No, they struggle, they cry, they bribe, they threaten, they fight! Nothing works!” - :(
The entirety of the Lyra and Pan exchange had me outloud sobbing, clutching my chest in pain, I’ve got to share it all with you...
Lyra: I don’t want you leave you here.
Pan: We can still turn around.
Lyra: But I can’t not do this.
Pan: You can, Lyra.
Lyra: What about Roger? And Sal? They never got a chance to grow up.
Pan: But it’s not Roger and Sal, is it? Roger’s dead, and Sal is gone! And it won’t be Lyra and Pan, you’re leave me here, alone! What will I do?
Lyra: But our dreams…
Pan: I didn’t have those dreams! They were your dreams, I didn’t even want to come here! This is your choice!
Lyra: But we’re together…
Pan: Not if you do this.
Lyra: Please… I can’t betray Roger. It’s my fault he’s dead and now he needs me.
Pan: I need you too! Why can’t you see that? … Where will I go?
Lyra: I’ll find you… okay? I will go to the Land of the Dead and I’ll come back, and I’ll find you. I’m not leaving you… ‘Kay? I’m not leaving you, not forever. Will and me will find a way out of here, and we’ll go to Asriel’s, somehow you’ve got to get there too, but I have to do this.
Pan:… Then you’ve made up your mind. You’ve chosen Roger over me.
Lyra: No, Pan… please don’t, don’t… please… there’s no other way. I’ve got to… I love you.
Pan:… Just… go.
The way Lyra turned her head to watch him, the way Pan came up to the very edge of the dock and started crying, the two of them watching each other as they drifted further and further apart, the soundtrack... I am a fucking MESS
“My heart...” 😭💔
Lyra’s pained screams oh my GOD and Will holding her I’m not OKAY
Episode 5: No Way Out
My heart is already broken from last episode, I don’t know how much worse I can feel at this point 😭
Oh good, we’re starting with mulefa hijinks! (Sort of)
Mary stopping and having a moment of “what am I doing?… following a talking elephant” 🤣
IT SKATING AROUND ON PODS ASDFGHJKL
Lyra and Will: *having literally the worst times of their lives* // Mary: *playing with the Mulefa and living her best life*
The Mulefa having their own language oh my god and the orange subtitles fading to the white English ones omg because she’s learning their language
Baby Mulefa 😭❤️
Oof we’re right back to pain 🤡
“What does it feel like, being this far away from him? From Pan?” “It’s like an iron hand is gripped around my heart and is yanking it out between my ribs.” “And it’s mental too, right? As if some private secret thing’s been dragged out into the open?” “…yeah.” — 😭
“You know, you always said I must have a dæmon and I never believed you… and now it feels like I’ve known her my whole life. Maybe she’s with Pan now.” - ASDFGHJKL KIRJAVA IS COMING IM-
“Wait. If my dæmon’s still at the jetty, can you give him a message?” “I can tell you now, he won’t be.” 😭😭😭😭
Oooh Land of the Dead here we go!
I’m still curious as to why exactly Marisa and the monkey can separate so far? Have they already been intercised or something? Like they can REALLY go far from each other 🤔
“They intend to sever you from your dæmon!” “… Good.” — EXCUSE ME MARISA???? She really hates the little thing doesn’t she, damn
“It’s not made of rock… it’s made of people’s things” - oh damn
Oh my gosh the dead 😭
“They don’t like it if we talk to each other.” “Who don’t?” - OH SHIT THE HARPIES
The little dead children talking about their dæmons 😭 “Mine was called Sandling. He used to think he’d be a bird, but I hoped he wouldn’t because I liked him all furry.” “My Kasta used to curl up in my hand and go to sleep.” “Mine was called Matapan” 😭😭
Not MacPhail going to touch the monkey but being interrupted by Father Gomez schooling him on how it’s forbidden 💀
HE JUST SLAPPED GOMEZ OMG
Nooo not her losing Will
NOT HER THINKING SHE SEES PAN NOOO ITS NOT REAL
“You left me on the jetty to die (…) I’ve always known deep down how selfish you are. You really believe you’re here for Roger - you already killed him. You came here for you, to assuage your guilt, to play the hero” - 😭😭😭😭 I know it’s not really Pan but still my heART
ROGER 😭💔
“I missed you. I’m so sorry, about everything. I should have let you go with the Gyptians and the kids… I shouldn’t have taken you to Asriel. If I’d have let you go, you wouldn’t be here, would you? You’d be…” “It wasn’t your fault. I wanted to go with you.” — 😭 my heart is a literal mess I’m blubbering
“Stop it! You think I want to go back to the real world? Like this?” - oh Roger…
Will not being able to cut a window out and it sounding like the knife is being grated over rock 😳
NOT THE HARPIES THIS IS NIGHTMARE FUEL IM-
“What kind of son abandons his own mother?” - SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP-
“You have destroyed the lives of everyone you’ve ever cared for… you’ve come here for you, to feel special… if only Will had never met you” - I would very much like to go back to Jordan College and rooftop adventures now thanks-
“I thought about us, and everything we’ve been through… I didn’t let them get into my head” 😭❤️💔
Not Fra Pavel deducing that Mary is the serpent and she’s in another world, and now Gomez is going to go after her 💀
Oh damn, the imagery of the snake and Eve painting(?) in the background as Gomez prepares himself
I SAW A GLIMPSE OF AMBER IS IT- IS IT TIME FOR THE SPYGLASS
MARY IS MAKING THE SPYGLASS THIS IS MY CHILDHOOD COMING TOGETHER
Oh. My. God. The view through the lens of Dust… ‘Sraf’ is Dust… oh my god. This is beautiful. The colours are beautiful.
“The trees are dying.” “And so are we.” 😭
“What do you remember about Jordan? You remember it, don’t you?” “… Jordan’s gone.” - stop that right nOW
Not the flashback to the very first episode of them in the cellar drinking Tokay 😭
The light appearing as they remember Jordan College together, talking about the roof and the rook with the broken leg 😭❤️ and all the dead people coming to listen, I’m gonna start bawling all over again
Lyra and Will speaking to the crowd and promising to try to get them out of this horrible world, rallying them 😭
“What will happen to us if we leave?” “I don’t know.” “You don’t know? If I will or won’t be able to see my son again?” “We can’t know until it happens - I’m not gonna lie or pretend. But in here, it’s just thoughts; out there, real things matter.”
“When we were alive, they told us that when we died, we’d go to Heaven. That’s why so many of us gave our lives, and spent years in prayer and silence, and all the joy of life went to waste around us. I don’t care what happens to us when we leave - anything is better than this.” - damn, this series really said fuck religion and fuck the church making people spend their lives in servitude/repenting for sins they haven’t even done
Damn, the harpies are NOT happy
“Will you tell us some stories? So we can remember too? Real things.” Ohh no, no, I will not cry over this, I will not cry over Lyra and Roger talking about Jordan College-
“I won every time.” “No she didn’t, she cheated every time” - yep, sounds like Lyra to me
Lyra recounting how she made the omelette with the shells in for Will 🤣
Lyra talking about Iorek 😭❤️
I have absolutely no love for that blasted monkey but seeing him all sad in the cage as they’re about to be severed… definitely made me feel sad, can’t believe I feel sorry for him
It looks like Marisa’s been strapped to an electric chair, like she’s about to be executed, and the imagery of that is 👌🏻
“When we created this technology together, you believed you were doing the right thing - we all did. But we were wrong. It has to stop.” - Damn, you don’t say! Of course it was wrong to sever children, glad you see that finally-
“Do not explain my own technology to me.” - OOF
“You still have time to repent - let me give you your final blessing” - MAN DO NOT FUCKIN TOUCH HER YOU FREAK
“Keep your hands off me… there’s too much blood on them for that.” - DAMN, MARISA
Everyone listening to Lyra’s stories 😭❤️
“… But you felt safe with Mr Scoresby. He was the first grown up I ever trusted.” - STOP THAT RIGHT NOW IM ALREADY CRYING I DONT NEED TO CRY AGAIN
“I will come with you. We… We will come with you.” - YESSSS
HOLY FUCK THE HARPY DESIGN IS SICKENINGLY HORRIFYING DEAR GOD AND THE WAY IT WENT RIGHT UP TO LYRA’S FACE
“What’s your name? You must have one.” “… No-Name.” - Oh gosh I think I remember more of the book now hang on
LEE SCORESBY AHHHHHHHH
LEE AND LYRA HUGGING 😭❤️ MY HEART I CANNOT BEAR THIS
LYRA DIDNT KNOW LEE DIED 😭 and he thought she was dead but he was so relieved she wasn’t 😭
“You found the Knife Bearer - you beat the shaman to it. Lyra Silvertongue, just when I thought you couldn’t blow my little mind enough times” - 😭❤️ I missed Lee so much ASDFGHJKL
IS THAT METATRON??? ENOCH??? OH MY GODDDDD
“If she had only stayed with us, and given her life to the Authority as she once intended, she would now be on the path to the kingdom” - oh my god MacPhail shut the fuck UP
Come on rOKE HURRY UP AND SAVE HER
NOT THE INTERCISION MACHINE V2 AND THE MONKEY LOOKING SCARED
Dr Cooper having second thoughts omg
SHE STOPPED IT LAST MINUTE OH GOD THE GASP I LET OUT
“… I will not be a part of this (…) I will not hurt her.” - YES DOCTOR DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE
FATHER MACPHAIL STRAIGHT UP MURDERED DR COOPER HOLY SHIT-
The Church REALLY are not coming across well here
NO NOT ROKE LEAVE HIM ALONE
KILL HIM MARISA KILL THAT BASTARD RELIGIOUS MAN
OKAY BUT YES ALSO TURN OFF THE MACHINE PLEASE DESTROY IT IF YOU CAN I CANT BREATHE THIS IS TOO TENSE
FATHER MACPHAIL COMMITTING SUICIDE AND SACRIFICING HIMSELF HES FUCKING INSANE IM SORRY THE HATRED HE HAS FOR LYRA IS THAT STRONG???
Thank FUCK she stopped the machine last minute although I kinda wish MacPhail had died lmao
THE LIGHT HOLY CRAP-
“You think Dust can make you Gods… let use see how you fare without it.” - OH SHIT OH SHIT
THE MACHINE SEVERED MACPHAIL AND HIS DAEMON AND SHE DISAPPEARED
NOOOOO NOT THE BOMB NOT THE BOMB TELL ME THAT AINT THE BOMB-
I know she’s not dead, I’ve read the book, plus there’s still 3 episodes left, I’m still freaking out though
Episode 6: The Abyss
Three more episodes and then it’s all over 😭 I don’t know if I’m ready for it to be honest
“In the beginning, Man was given the gift of Dust. It ignited his mind and freed his will. But that free will has corrupted mankind. Dust shall be drawn into eternal darkness once more… That which was given shall be taken away.” - oh my gOD what a narration to start an episode Jesus Christ (pardon the pun)
Marisa dragging herself across the floor to get to Lyra’s hair???
Please tell me Roke isn’t dead 😭 (spoiler: he is)
Marisa going to Fra Pavel with the hair and asking him to consult the Alethiometer on whether or not Lyra survived 😭
I still get chills at the opening theme, ngl, like we’re three whole series in and I’m STILL feeling chills seeing the opening credits
Eyyyy Serafina Pekkala!!!
The earth is literally crumbling apart and Asriel’s laughing 🫢
MARISA AND THE MONKEY ARE BACK AT ASRIEL’S
Stelmaria just being like “… It’s her”, as if there’s only one “her”
“She’s dead, Asriel. Lyra is dead.” - NOOOOOO OH NO NO NO
Nahh Asriel is so unbothered about Lyra being dead???
“Would you like me to tell you how your daughter died, or would you prefer to keep tinkering with your toys?” “If what you’re saying is true, I’m very sorry. But what I’m doing here is of the utmost importance - it’s going to change everything.” - DUDE YOUR DAUGHTER IS DEAD (or so it’s thought at the moment) HOW ARE YOU SO UNBOTHERED
Like we knew he was a shit father but YIKES
Marisa straight up telling Asriel it’s his fault their daughter is dead because he pissed off Metatron with his war crime, she disabled the bomb but the light triggered it… DAMN. Just… damn.
“You’ve taken my daughter from me… and I will never forgive you.” - ☹️😔
Roger trying to wake Lyra up 😭 thankfully she does wake but still-
Stelmaria telling Asriel he shouldn’t go down there, it’s reckless… Mate, listen to your fucking dæmon once in a while please, she got all the sense the two of you possess and you’ve got none I fear-
WHAT’S HAPPENING TO RUTA’S DÆMON HE DROPPED LIKE A STONE INTO THE ABYSS (the one where Asriel is)
“He can’t hear me…” “Stay with him” “I can’t stop him, the darkness is drawing him in…” - NO NO NO NO
Noooo SERGEI (her dæmon) DIED AND SO DID RUTA FUCK SAKE MAN
Lyra and Lee hugging again because they’re so happy to see each other okay 😭❤️ truly a better father to her than her own one ever was
Is there an abyss in each of the worlds? 🤔 because there’s one in the land of the dead too as well as where Asriel is
Will panicking because he’s scared he won’t be able to get these people out, and Lyra taking his face in her hands, “Look at me, look at me, look at me… it’s fine. We’re going to get out of here. It’s just… this chasm. I can feel it too. Look at me.” 😭
Lee whooping when Lyra jumped that chasm, we love a proud father!
Roger and Will disagreeing over who should go next and Lee just doing it instead 😂
“I am Serafina Pekkala, Queen of the Lake Enara clan, and I demand to know what happened to my sister” - YES WITCH QUEEN 👑
“It pains me to tell you both that what happened to Ruta was not death, but worse again. That abyss out there is a rupture in the multiverse, sucking all Dust deep down inside the void between the worlds. I bore witness to her dæmon Sergei falling inside… and it is my belief, that no being, flesh or Dust, will ever emerge from its darkness.” “… so there will be no peace for her? Part of her soul, forever falling… forever in limbo…” — NOPE, NO, NOOO 😭💔 poor Ruta I hate it here
(Turning to Asriel) “… You did this.” “No.” “Your arrogance, PLAYING WITH FORCES YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF!” - SHIT SHES RIGHT THOUGH
Sorry, what the FUCK are those things beneath them with the glowing eyes???
“We’ve seen worse. Do you remember when we freed the kids from Bolvanger? And then the three of us and Iorek squashed into Lee’s balloon and just flew away?” - lmao bless
“Iorek’s this armoured bear-.” “I know who he is, I’ve met him.” - damn, there’s some tension here between Roger and Will? Or is it just me?
“Can’t imagine him (Iorek) in a balloon though” - LMFAO
“It wasn’t just any balloon… it was a real beauty” - DAMN RIGHT IT WAS LEE
Is Will a little jealous of Lyra and Roger walking together and reminiscing or…???
“Hey, did I ever tell you about the crazy shaman who made me a bacon sandwich?” - OH MY GOD LEE 😂 (also it’s been a while since S2, but I think he’s talking about John Parry???)
Marisa really thinks she’s allowed to just leave 💀
Marisa telling Ogunwe that Lyra is dead, and him saying “Asriel didn’t tell me”, it hits hard because he has daughters of his own and I just know he’s probably confused because surely Asriel would have mentioned his own child dying but nOPE
Marisa yelling at the monkey to come and he just… doesn’t? He just walks away? Their dynamic is so interesting but in a messed up way
Will is looking for his father and he wants to be sure that his father will find his way out 😭
Lee realising that Will is the shaman’s son oh my GOD?!? And he thinks he has a way to summon him??? Oh I love Lee so much
“Are you sure about this?” - Stelmaria asking the only real questions
IOREK!!! 🐻❄️
IOREK STRAIGHT UP SMACKING ASRIEL DOWN WHEN HE APPROACHED LMFAO I LOVE HIM
Wait this is SVALBARD??? All the ice and snow has disappeared?!? And it’s all Asriel’s fault?!?
“My bears starve because you blew a hole in the sky!” - oh shit!
“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t KILL YOU!” “LYRA SILVERTONGUE!” “Why do you speak to me of her?” “You renamed her. You loved her. Tell me of her.” “She is everything you are not.” “Perhaps I should have known her better. But she is gone, and if you kill me now she will never be avenged.” — this whole exchange 😭 Iorek loves Lyra so much, Asriel saying he should have known her better (no shit, sir)…
“You do not understand. Lyra went to the Land of the Dead.” “The Land of the…?” “Yes. But she walked in the line.” “How did she enter that place?” “With the knife.” “The knife is broken.” “I fixed it. She went after her friend, Roger.” “… the kitchen boy.” “Another reason why I should kill you!” - IOREK GETS IT ASDFGHJKL HE’S A BETTER FATHER THAN ASRIEL EVER WAS FUCK ASRIEL WE ONLY LOVE IOREK AND LEE AS FATHER FIGURES NOW
Asriel laughing because “my daughter is staging a prison break” 💀
NOOO NOT LYRA FALLING INTO THE ENDLESS ABYSS
THE HARPY SAVING LYRA FROM FALLING INTO THE ABYSS HOLY SHIT
Marisa telling Serafina about torturing that witch in detail, Jesus CHRIST, she literally wants Serafina to kill her at this point :( but Serafina sees right through it of course
“If you won’t do it out of anger… then please just do it out of mercy.” - 😭 now why am I sympathising with Marisa
“Love… makes us fragile in ways we cannot fathom.” “I didn’t love Lyra. I wasn’t able to” - SURE you didn’t love her, Marisa 🙄
“Even my own dæmon rejects me” - yeah no can’t say I blame him honestly
Serafina talking about how she lost her son that she had with Farder Coram 😭 and how Lyra gave her hope
“When I first heard that prophecy, it terrified me. (…) Because I was always taught to believe that Eve was guilty of something shameful.” - yep, religion will do that to you!
“All Eve did was dare to experience - it’s an act of bravery. Of great beauty. You were a monster, but look what experience did to you… what love did. It changed you.” - oh my god the religion criticism is on point today holy crap
Will hugging Lyra and asking if she’s okay 😭❤️
Lyra wanting to give the harpy a name to thank it 😭
“Names can’t just be given!” “Mine was… by a friend.” - exactly, Lyra!
“Gracious-Wings.” — … Interesting name, Lyra but okay
“You can’t take it back now!” - I have NO intention to and neither does Lyra 😳
The harpies kinda do make me sad because like… they don’t have names. They’re frightening to look at. They live in the land of the dead. They’re trapped just as much as the ghosts are, and feared for how they look which probably contributes to their behaviour. So Lyra showing some kindness must be a brand new experience for them.
“You cannot tell the story of my name if you do not get out.” “… You like stories, don’t you? True ones.” - ohhhhhhhhh I get it! Awww, so Gracious-Wings wants Lyra to escape, not only because she’s been listening to her stories but also because Lyra can then tell the living about Gracious-Wings and the truth that she’s not so scary/completely evil, so maybe people when they die will be less afraid to meet her? Idk
“True stories are nourishing. They feed us, we had no idea there was anything but lies and wickedness.” “If those who follow behind tell you everything they saw in the world, everything true… could you guide them here so they could be set free?” - god I forgot how deep and clever this whole section was in the book
“Do not lie to me.” “I won’t.” - for once, I actually do believe she’s telling the truth
“Do we have a deal? The prisoners’ safe passage in exchange for their stories?” - YESSS OMG
“It’s alright, they’re going to help us! Just tell them your stories - stories from your lives, and they’ll guide you up. Tell them stories.” - nahhh I’m not crying you are 😭
Asriel telling Marisa Lyra is still alive but she doesn’t believe him at first 😭
“It makes sense: the Authority cows us with the threat of heaven or hell but even that was a lie, it’s all purgatory.”
“Please… my heart won’t take it.” - this woman has gone through so much, she’s not a good person but damn she’s gone through a lot
“You said yourself, she’s extraordinary… to free a soul from the Land of the Dead” - well you’ve changed your fucking tune
“The witches prophecy… they believe two things about Lyra: that she is Eve, and she will defeat Death. (Smiling/Laughing) That’s what she’s doing. The prophecy is right. We must help her, Asriel.” - ASRIEL AND MARISA ACTUALLY WORKING TOGETHER FOR REAL THIS TIME?!? Like actual parents?!? Who’d have thought 😭
“There’s someone here to see you.” - LEE BROUGHT JOHN PARRY TO WILL IM CRYING ALL OVER AGAIN ARE YOU SERIOUS
“I hate fighting. I’m not who you want me to be.” “No… no, you’re so much more.” - AND THEN THE HUG 🥹😭
“All this time, I thought that when we eventually found each other… we could go back to Oxford together.” “I did too.” - 😭😭😭 they deserve so much better, I can’t-
“If we get out of this awful place…” “We won’t be going the same way.” 😭
I’m sorry, okay, this whole episode is just one big CRYFEST AT THIS POINT
Lyra saying she thought Roger was braver than her 😭
“I don’t even know if I can do anything. I’m just so tired, and my chest…” “Because you’re away from your dæmon. Separation across worlds weakens your bond, Will. She’s pining for you.” “How do you know?” “I guided her to Asriel’s republic. As soon as you release these ghosts, you must cut through and find her, Will.” - KIRJAVA IS COMING WE’RE GOING TO MEET KIRJAVA ASDFGHJKL
“Don’t try to live in a world that’s not your own. No matter how tempting it may seem. You and your dæmon… you won’t survive it.” “But you did.” “No. I felt it, like an ache, every day. Don’t make the same mistake that I did. You deserve a full life with your mother.” 😭❤️ but also foreshadowing what will happen at the end of the series I feel unwell-
“What will happen to you?” “The same that will happen to every soul trapped down here: I’ll be free. I’ll be connected again to every living thing, thanks to you.” - Damn, right in the feels 😭
John telling Will he’s so proud of him and them hugging 😭❤️💔
Serafina saying she’s gonna send Kaisa to search for Pan because she knows that Pan can’t enter the Land of the Dead and so he’ll still be there, I’m so ready!!
“If it is true, and Lyra is going to free the dead, she and Will will have achieved something remarkable… far beyond your rebellion. Lyra is your focus now. Do not fail her.” — YESSSSSSS come on Asriel and Marisa, be good parents for once
WILL DID IT HE CUT A WINDOW OUT OF THE LAND OF THE DEAD AHHHH, and it’s opened out onto a beautiful paradise ❤️
“My dad said you’ll be free. You’ll drift apart, but you’ll be out in the open - connected with everything to love.” - 😭❤️
ROGER SAYING HE’LL GO FIRST ASDFGHJKL AND LYRA SAYING SHE’LL MISS HIM SO MUCH
“You’ll be okay. I know you will. You’ve saved your best friend. When you go back to Jordan, go to the roof for me.” - AND THE FOREHEAD TOUCH 😭❤️
“I’m ready” 😭😭😭 GOODBYE ROGER
AND THEN LEE SCORESBY HUGGING HER, “No need for that, it’s okay” because she’s crying, “thank you”, tipping his hat to Will
“I’m gonna be with my Hester” - SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW 😭❤️
I’m literally just full on sobbing at this point like my heart can’t take anymore at this point and there’s still TWO episodes left 😭
Marisa asking her monkey if she can sit with him?!? They’re so disconnected despite being the same person, I can’t-
“It hurts when we’re apart. I pretend that it doesn’t. That first time I sent you away… it was awful. I don’t know why I do it. At first I think it was curiosity… But now it’s become something else. A way to not feel what I can’t bear. I used to think that I was the strong one… but I was wrong. It was you. All along. I am so very sorry. Please… come back to me.” - NOOO WHY AM I HAVING EMOTIONS OVER MARISA AND THE DAMN DEMON GOLDEN MONKEY?!? AND THEM HOLDING HANDS?!?
Asriel and Marisa standing with their dæmons together… damn. Shit must be serious if the two of them are together on something
“The final rebellion has begun.” - OH SHIT HERE WE GOOOO
Episode 7: The Clouded Mountain
Two episodes left… 😬
Before we get into the episode, quick prediction: I feel like this episode is going to largely focus more on Asriel/Marisa and maybe bring that story to a close, and then the last one will be more Lyra/Will centric? Idk, we’ll see!
“We just have to keep Metatron’s forces away from the girl and the boy long enough for them to be reunited with their dæmons, to get to a safe world and… fall.” - oooooohhh
“How can you possibly know the nature of Metatron’s attack?” - LMFAO arguing like a married couple I see-
Okay, I was wrong, we are seeing Lyra and Will in this episode!
Will planning to get their dæmons himself and Lyra can wait in the nice world and he’ll meet her there 💀
“We’ve come this far and you still don’t understand: we’re in this together.” - 👏🏻
Every scene with Marisa and Asriel just seems like they’re flirting lmao
“I’ve given the girl nothing but at the very least I can buy her time” - 😭
“You’d do that for her?” “Not just her.” - THE WAY HE MOVED EVEN CLOSER TO HER ASDFGHJKL THEY ABOUT TO KISS OR SOMETHING
“Even if you get him to the abyss, you do understand it’s not just death down there? It’s eternal oblivia.” - DAMN, he’s committed I’ll give him that
“Your love for Lyra is your salvation and your downfall. When you think of her, I can read you as easily as a reflection in still water.” 😮
“Right, so we are doomed.” - Basically, yeah.
“Some of us will die today” - NOT A GREAT WAY TO OPEN AN INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH, ASRIEL 💀
Asriel is really on a mission to kill God in this series, that’s it summed up
“But thanks to my daughter, thanks to Lyra, we need no longer fear that fate! From today death is no longer an ending but a journey back into life!” - okay I take it back, his speech is pretty good
“Our children shall experience paradise but they will know it down here on the earth… today, we are free!” - YESSSSS 🙌🏻
OH SHIT is that Metatron’s soldiers/forces?!?
“I’m glad I said we didn’t have to win this fight” - LMAO
THE ANGEL KNEW LYRA AND WILL WERE CUTTING THROUGH AHHHH AND NOW ASRIEL’S ATTACKING LET’S GOOOO
It’s the way Lyra knew Pan and Will’s dæmon will be looking after each other 😭
“Metatron is releasing the dæmon eaters - he is turning all creatures against us” - AH HELL FUCKING NO
Are they the same as Spectres?!?
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NO THIS IS MORE NIGHTMARE FUEL
YES MARISA DOING HER PART AND TRYING TO GET RID OF THEM BECAUSE SHE HAS CONTROL OVER THEM
“I’ve found Pantalaimon” - Oh my god YES give Pan back to me please
To be fair I don’t blame Will and Lyra for not immediately blindly trusting Ogunwe at this point, barely anyone is trustworthy in this series at this point
RED PANDA PAN
“They left us.” “I know. But they’ve come back for you.” - 😭❤️
AHHH KIRJAVA AND SHES A BEAUTIFUL CAT WHEN WE FIRST SEE HER AHHHHH
They can both still change but still AHHHHH SOON
“All I know is Asriel’s proud of you” - yeah, he just has a shit way of showing it
These noises are straight out a horror movie oh my GOD THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS THOSE GHAST-Y THINGS
Not Metatron (?) whispering into all of their heads asdfghjkl
Metatron telling Marisa she should join him and her and the monkey having this moment, “you know what to do” 😭 and he looks like he’s gonna follow her because he puts his paw on the bridge but he doesn’t 😭 can’t believe I’m having emotions have that goddamn demon monkey
ASRIEL CALLING FOR STELMARIA AND THEN MARISA INSIDE METATRON’S PALACE(?)/FORTRESS 😭
Can I just say that the visuals are STUNNING, oh my goodness I’m literally in awe of this imagery and the visuals it’s far better than 10 year old me imagined
Marisa saying that she loves Lyra and hates that she does 😭
Metatron taking on Asriel’s form so now we’ve got James McAvoy vs James McAvoy, truly Multiverse of Madness 💀
“No one cares for you.” “Marisa does.” - the way my jaw dropped, oh my
Not Asriel calling for Marisa 😭 no I will NOT ship them, I refuse-
“You care for her still? If only you knew the disdain in which she holds you. She’s giving you up.” “No… never… I love her.” - oh my god?!?!?
“She would never betray me…” “I can give you Asriel. He’s trying to protect her.” - NOOO DO NOT DO IT
HE KNEW SHE WAS CLOSE BY HE KNEW IT IM-
“Marisa, no…” - GIRL DO NOT DO IT I SWEAR
“Your dæmons are in the tower - cut them through to a safe world. I’ll find you wherever you are.” - I’m starting to remember how the book ends and my heart is hurting, it’s coming so soon…
“So… you did come.” - YES SHE DID PAN 😭 please forgive her
WILL SEEING KIRJAVA FOR THE FIRST TIME 😭❤️ and her going “… Will.” 🥹
“How could you bear it? Leaving me behind?” 😭
“We should be together. Please.” But the damage is done… if you’ve read TSC, you know 😭
What is that monkey doing? Is he helping them escape? HE PULLED THE LEVER ASDFGHJKL
“For Lyra.” 😭❤️
MARISA HELPING ASRIEL UP, ASRIEL AND MARISA GRAPPLING WITH METATRON TOGETHER, and then STELMARIA RUNNING AND JUMPING AND THEM ALL TUMBLING INTO THE ABYSS 😭😭😭💔💔💔 IT HAPPENED IT HAPPENED IVE BEEN WAITING YEARS-
The monkey and Lyra looking at each other 😭 and she knows, she knows her mother has helped them-
NOT STELMARIA FADING TO DUST 😭
LYRA AND THE MONKEY REACHING OUT FOR EACH OTHER AND HE STARTS FADING AWAY NO NO NO
NOT ME GETTING UPSET AND CRYING OVER THAT DAMN BASTARD GOBLIN POS MONKEY 😭😭😭
Lyra having to wipe her eyes 😭 same, me too-
I knew this episode would end the Asriel/Marisa/Metatron storyline, I just knew it
“Cloud’s gone. It’s all gone. The war’s over.” 🥺😭
I know we’ve still got an episode left but I’m already weeping because I’ve waited 15 years for this adaptation to come, to see this whole trilogy adapted right, and now it’s happened
Ogunwe seeing his daughters 🥹
“Can we go now? I wanna see Pan.” - YES 😭👏🏻
DAMN ONE EPISODE LEFT
Episode 8: The Botanic Garden
Just from the title alone I know this is going to cause me pain but let’s DO IT
Damn, they didn’t even do a recap on this episode (or at least my iPlayer didn’t?)
LAST TIME LETS GO WE DIE LIKE (WO)MEN
Lyra waking up and the first thing she asks for is Pan 🥺
Also Lyra going for a swim because she’s all dirty, don’t blame her quite frankly
“After everything we’ve been through and now we’re here… doesn’t seem real” - same
Lyra knows her mother is dead :(
“I should be relieved… there’s so many things I don’t understand about my parents (…) like why they weren’t honest with me. Why they did such horrible things. Why wasn’t she interested in me for 13 years and then suddenly she was… why did they abandon me?” 😭😭😭
Lyra saying she doesn’t hate Asriel but can’t forgive him, and “I have the strangest feeling he’s gone… which means I’m alone” 😭 and Will saying no she’s not ❤️
Will splashing her and then jumping in 😂
“What?” “Nothing… I’m just glad you washed” LMFAO
“She doesn’t look like she misses me. She seems fine.” - oh Pan :(
“Think how good it will be to be with them again. To be close.” - Kirjava ❤️
“What if it doesn’t feel the same? What if it never does?” “Lyra loves you. We’re finally in the same world, we’re safe here.” - 1) I’m sad because of TSC all over again and 2) I’m sad because I know how this ends
NOT FATHER GOMEZ I FORGOT ABOUT HIM ASDFGHJKL
No but where did the clean clothes come from???
“But there’s someone else we need to meet.” - IS IT MARY??
“I don’t feel torn apart, and I know he’s safe.” - 😭🥹
AHHH LYRA AND WILL SEEING THE MULEFA HERD AND BEING LIKE “they’re riding on wheels!”
I like that Will’s reaction to this new creature speaking a different language is just “… Hello :D”, I love him
MARY AND LYRA REUNION 😭❤️
Mary going “oh god look at you” because Lyra is so grown up 😭
Oh my gOD FATHER GOMEZ FUCK OFF ALREADY
I wanna squash his dæmon, I don’t care, I wanna squish it and murder it
Not him shooting and killing the local wildlife, fuck you dude
“They have less Sraf than you” - ahhh because they’re still teenagers and Mary is an adult, and Dust is what causes dæmons to settle/kids to become adults, I get it
“No pods, poor things” - XD
“I’ve been all over the place but I think this is my favourite world” - same, Lyra, same, it’s so peaceful
“How do you treat a tree with respect?” - quite easily I think, Will???
“We have the stupid idea as humans that we’re the pinnacle of evolution, but we’ve got so much wrong” — 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
“It’s the answer to the question to the question you asked me in Oxford - whether Dust is sin (…) it’s the spark that means we’re alive, it’s consciousness.” “So Dust isn’t sin… it’s just as good or bad as we are.” 👏🏻🥹
The trees dying is truly heartbreaking omg 😭💔
“It’s the Dust disappearing. It’s just flooding out of the world: thought, imagination, feeling all blowing away” 😭💔
There’s got to be a way of saving it, surely…? Like this world can’t just disappear??
“… So when Pan’s a wolverine, you know you’ve pissed her off” OMFG 💀🤣
“Like a nun-nun from our world?” Will omg 😅
“Mary, tell them stories” - YES PLEASE DO
Mary’s story oh my god
“And then I met someone… she wasn’t like the other academics” - LESBIAN MARY MALONE I REPEAT LESBIAN MARY MALONE
“Years ago when I was at school, those butterflies in the pit of my stomach, that ache to be close to someone… I think I had just been too afraid to recognise it before, but I didn’t want to forget it this time.” - AND THE SHOTS OF WILL AND LYRA AHHHHH
“I knew I couldn’t go back to the convent after that, I just couldn’t bear the idea of living without ever feeling that alive. And I thought… will anyone be better off if I just go back to the hotel and say my prayers, and promise to never fall into temptation again? And the answer came back… no. No one will. And I realised, there was no one there to reward me for being a good girl or no one there to punish me for being wicked. There was no one. And it was… it was liberating.” — the fact that Mary is Irish adds a whole other layer to it because of the whole “Irish Catholic guilt” thing, but also just in general… wow. Just wow.
“I wanted to experience love. (L: And did you?)… yeah. (W: Were you scared?) Oh my god, I was terrified. I was risking everything and I was sure I’d be rejected, but… it was worth it. It’s rare when it happens, when you feel that way you have to grab it. It’s funny, isn’t it? One little moment… all she did was offer me a sweet and it changed my life forever. For the first time I was doing something with all of my nature, not just a part of it.” — I CANNOT TAKE IT, THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL
I can’t get over the looks between Lyra and Will, I knew it was happening obviously because of the books but stILL to actually see it onscreen???
“Where are you, Pan? There’s so many things I want to talk to you about.” 😭
Dear GOD DUDE FATHER GOMEZ GO AWAY IM SO DONE WITH YOU
Oh Mary totally knows something is going on between them even if they don’t yet
“What if she settles as something really bad, like… a mosquito or a slug or a fish?” “I heard of a man whose dæmon was a dolphin, but he’s a sailor so it’s fine” - I REMEMBER THAT STORY ABOUT THAT MAN FJDKDKDKD
Nooo not Gomez seeing them together I wanna punch him so bad-
“I don’t think anyone can understand… apart from you.” - oh my god Will 😭
“I think she’s… right… about a lot of things” - oh Will is NOT subtle in the slightest is he-
Lyra stepping closer, “yeah? What things?” ASDFGHJKL
“Dust… trees!” - smooth, Will, real fuckin smooth 🤣
Gomez was about to shoot Lyra while she was frolicking in the water but an Angel stopped him oh my god
ITS BALTHAMOS
“Desire is not sin. Love takes a million forms, each of them beautiful, each of them worthy. You who judge, just afraid.” 👏🏻
BALTHAMOS SQUASHED GOMEZ’S DÆMON, KILLED GOMEZ, AND THEN HE DIED TOO AND HIS LAST WORD WAS “BARUCH” 😭❤️
There’s something very innocent about these two teenagers clearly falling in love and sitting by the water in their underclothes and not realising why that would be seen as wrong because it’s so innocent and sweet and new 😭
WILL AND LYRA KISS I REPEAT WILL AND LYRA KISS I SCREAMED SO LOUD OH MY GOD
AND THE DUST SETTLING OVER THEM AND THE DUST RETURNING TO THE WORLD ASDFGHJKL THIS IS BEAUTIFUL
“The prophecy has been fulfilled. The love of Eve shall heal the earth and all the world shall feel it. Nature will be restored, hope will spark in darkness as innocence turns to experience, all will be in harmony once more.” - OH MY GOD AND THE SHOTS OF THE DIFFERENT WORLDS AND PLACES ASDFGHJKL
Those shy little smiles after they finished kissing omg
“Do you think Pan knows? I think he guessed” - he probably did let’s be real here lmfao
“I want to show you Jordan… proper Oxford. We can go to yours too… go to the cinema again.” - oh these kids are so hopeful 😭🥺
Pan and Kirjava!!!
“One who has given the world such a gift deserves a name… Kirjava.” — AHHHHH
Pan: Kirjava… suits you — 😭👏🏻❤️
“Why aren’t you with Will and Lyra? Are you still punishing them for their betrayal? But you love them still, don’t you? And you are not severed.” “No… we’re still one. But it was so painful.” - 🥺🥺🥺
“They will need you for what is to come” - OH BOY HERE WE GO
Pan and Kirjava coming back to their humans 😭❤️
“Pan…” “You left me. I’ve had to travel so far to find you again.” “I’m so sorry. I’m so grateful. I didn’t want to. I’m sorry. Please, I’m sorry. I missed you. I love you.” “Lyra…” AND THEN HE RUNS AND HUGS HER 😭
“I hoped you’d settle as a pine marten… suits you.” “I like it too.” 😭❤️
ALSO PAN SETTLED?!?!
“I’m… Kirjava.” WILL MEETING KIRJAVA PROPERLY
WILL AND LYRA TOUCHING EACH OTHER’S DÆMONS, THE MOST INTIMATE OF ACTS WHEN DONE CONSENSUALLY, I CANNOT COPE WITH THIS-
“Thanks to you, the multiverse is healing.” “I barely did anything.” “You showed two innocents what it was to dare, and by discovering their love, they have drawn Dust back into our worlds.” “Is that really all it took? Something so small and ordinary?” “Love is never small to those who discover it for the first time.” — brb, crying yet AGAIN over this series
“For centuries, Dust has been flowing out of the universe… what Lyra and Will have done has turned that tide. But their love alone is not enough to sustain it forever.” - oh no, no no no, it’s about to happen
“Every window that exists must be closed” - 😭😭😭 I know what’s coming and I hate it
“Each time the knife makes a cut, the flow of Dust increases and from the tear in the space between worlds some darkness is released, bring destruction across all of the worlds. It can take the form of many things: a plague, a spectre…” - 😭
But also does this mean that Covid was a result of the subtle knife??? 💀😳👀
“But if Will can’t use the knife, and if we can’t leave the windows open, then how will we…? We have to choose worlds, Will’s or mine?” “You can’t live in someone else’s world for long. Our dæmons wouldn’t survive. It means we can’t stay in the same world together.” - THERE IT IS 😭💔
“No! You can’t come here and just say that! After everything we’ve been through, it’s not fair! … it’s not fair…” 😭😭😭 they’ve literally just fallen in love and they have to separate already
Them walking away holding hands 😭
Oh nooo she’s already lost the ability to read the Alethiometer 😭😭😭
“It’s not broken, Lyra… you’ve changed. You’ve grown up.” “So… that’s it? I will never be able to read it again?” “The knowledge still exists but you’ll have to learn it, like those before you. You read it by Grace, and you can regain it by work.” “What’s the point? Why did we get here? Why did we go through everything we went through just to be forced apart?” — 😭
“I didn’t know it was possible to feel this bad.” “It won’t always feel like this.” “I don’t want to not feel like this about Lyra… I only want her.” - NOT WILL AND MARY’S COVERSATION IM TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER SO BAD
“You know all those stories that say the greatest love is the one you can’t live without? The one that you’re prepared to die for? That’s not right. That’s not what love is. I know it seems romantic to die for love but it’s much more romantic to live for it.” — 😭💔
“You will never lose what you have with Will, you have shaped each other forever. And I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will have a future, Lyra” - and Lyra is just sitting there crying 😢 I hate it here-
“If humanity set their minds to discovery and their hearts to compassion, they may create enough Dust for a single opening to remain. But you already know where that window must be.” “The Land of the Dead.” “We can’t close that window, it’s the most important one.” — 😭💔
Will has to break the knife once they’re back in their own worlds 😭😭😭 and the angels will help close the windows
“There are fates even the most powerful have to submit to.” - 💔
“I love you. I’m not gonna stop loving you until the day I die.” “I love you.” - KILL ME. It would hurt FAR LESS
“We will come back here, when we’ve lived our lives, we’ll go through the Land of the Dead and we’ll tell Gracious-Wings everything we’ve done. We’ll find each other here. I’ll be drifting about until I find you.” “And I’ll be searching for you every moment. Every single moment.” “When we do find each other again… no one will be able to tear us apart. We’ll be joined so tightly… Every atom of me and every atom of you. When they use our atoms to make new lives, they’ll have to take two; one for you and one for me. We’ll be in the flowers and in the sunbeams… we’ll be joined so tight.” — okay no I’m full on sobbing and crying and shaking, I can’t cope with this, I can’t do anything but cry now
Lyra and Will embracing and holding each other, just clinging to each other on the floor as they cry 😭💔
“Don’t forget us, Mary. Keep telling stories.” - 😭💔 this whole episode is just a massive HEARTBREAK I CANNOT-
We’re back to Lyra’s Oxford 😭
NOT THE BENCH, NOT THE FUCKING BENCH NO I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THE BENCH FUCK YOU PHILIP PULLMAN
“You know you could see your dæmon too, if you wanted” - oh my god yes?!?! I KNEW she met her dæmon at some point, I knew I didn’t imagine it!
“There you are.” - AHHH HER DÆMON IS A BIRD
“We can come back here every year. You in your world and me in mine. Midsummer’s Day. Midday.” “And I’ll be there. I’ll be there every year, my whole life.” “And if we do meet someone we like, we must be kind to them - we won’t compare them. We’ll come here, just for an hour… we can be together.” “Every year. I promise.” - ASDFGHJKL THIS HURTS MY HEART IT HURTS
“Just do it!” 😭😭😭 she wants him to just do it because she knows it’s going to happen and hanging around prolonging it is just so much more painful
Lyra and Mary hugging goodbye 😭 “I’ll never forget you” - STOP
“I’ll break the knife as soon as I’m through because I’ll know I’ll just want to come back to you.” - THIS POST IS JUST ME SOBBING NOW EXCUSE ME-
“What is it?” “I’m just trying to imagine what you’ll look like when you’re older.” “Handsome of course.” “Very.” - EXCUSE ME
Will stepping through the window and going to close it, stopping and them then kissing 😭 “Lyra.” “Will.” AND THEN THEY KISS AND HE CLOSES THE WINDOW FUUUUUCK-
Lyra: *crying* // Me: BITCH ME TOO
“Just think of her” (to break the knife) - and it’s a series of flashbacks of her and him throughout the whole series I feel SICK-
The snow falling on Svalbard and Iorek 😭
Lyra’s back at Jordan College 😭❤️ but so much has changed
Will going back to his mum 😭💔 and then them hugging as Kirjava watches with a little smile I’m-
ONE YEAR LATER?!?! ONE YEAR LATER I’M-
She’s dressed like a student I’m-
ARE THEY GOING TO THE GARDEN?!?
“We can come back here every year. You in your world, me in mine. We can be together. I’ll be there every year. My whole life. I promise.”
THE FADES AS THEY GET OLDER AND WITH EACH YEAR, THE SPLIT SCREEN OF THEM AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE BENCH, THEM REACHING OUT TO HOLD EACH OTHER’S HANDS, WILL’S MISSING FINGERS
“Lyra.” Being the last line of this show, oh my GOD.
THE ENDING TITLE CARDS
“Will and Lyra continued to return to their bench at the same time, every year. They kept their promise to each other, going on to live full lives in their own worlds. Will became a medical student and later, a successful surgeon. Lyra went on to be educated at St Sophia’s College in Oxford, where she was taught how to once again read the Alethiometer… Which would come in useful one day, when Lyra and Pan would go on to have a further great adventure. But that’s another story…”
THE BOOK OF DUST/THE SECRET COMMONWEALTH ADAPTATION CONFIRMED?!? IS THAT WHATS GOING ON?!?
Okay… wow… okay.
I’ll admit that in S1, I had issues with the show as a longtime fan of the books; perhaps I was too busy comparing it to the movie or whatever else, but also I had complaints about the lack of dæmons on-screen and how that really hurt the first series as a result (eg. The Billy Costa scene). Thankfully in S2 and S3, that issue was resolved and not a problem in the slightest, which I’m so glad for. I feel like for me personally, Subtle Knife (S2) and Amber Spyglass (S3) had the benefit of not having been adapted for the screen before (unlike Northern Lights/S1), so it was able to stand up as it’s own adaptation easier and not necessarily have the movie looming over it (if that makes sense). Because while I agree the movie was not great and didn’t do justice to the books, it was still an expensive blockbuster with hype and big names attached.
Right now I really want to reread TAS - I reread TSK when S2 was airing so it feels right to reread TAS now, but I’m reading Outlander still so I’ll have to put it off a few days 😭 - and also I want to take the trip to the Botanical Garden in Oxford where Lyra and Will meet every year. I don’t know if other fans do that but it’s something I’ve wanted to do a while, and now I want to do it more than ever. I’ll have to remind myself closer to the Midsummer’s Day to do it!
Honestly, I’m so emotional over this whole series. Was it a perfect adaptation? No, no adaptation is 100% accurate or perfect, things get changed or cut for whatever reason. But it was beautifully done, and I’m so unbelievably happy that it was finally done justice. I truly don’t think I could have asked for a better adaptation of a series that has meant so much to me for fifteen whole years. I’m so grateful that I live in a time where this series has been given the love and attention it deserves, and I can only hope that people viewing the show first have gone on to read Philip Pullman’s books, that it’s inspired them to read those too.
The cast have been spectacular throughout, especially the main cast members: Dafne Keen, Ruth Wilson, James McAvoy, Amir Wilson… gosh, all of them. And then of course the voice cast have been amazing too, especially Kit Connor as Pantalaimon since that’s literally the main voice role throughout this whole series. I’m just so blown away at this point, I can barely type it.
#his dark materials#hdm#hdm season 3#his dark materials season 3#lyra belacqua#lyra silvertongue#will parry#pantalaimon#iorek byrnison#lord asriel#asriel belacqua#marisa coulter#serafina pekkala#mary malone#dafne keen#amir wilson#ruth wilson#james mcavoy#lyra x will#philip pullman#simone kirby#baruch x balthamos
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