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wongyuuu · 2 months

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lens of ice | yjh | one

pairing: jeonghan x f!reader genre: figure skater jeonghan, light angst, a little fluff, smut in the next part word count: 12k summary: jeonghan has only one chance left to make it to the olympics. as he embarks on this decisive journey, you, a documentarist, are set to follow him as he seeks the ultimate glory. warnings: jeonghan is kind of reckless with his body a/n: i've been writing this one for so long now and though it's not finished yet, i decided to post half of it, as a way to motivate myself to finish it. i really wanna thank @ressonancee first for giving me idea and second for helping me through all of this and putting up my crazy ass mind 💓

part one | part two (final)

The light buzzing of the fluorescent lights made him uncomfortable, it was like a premonition of what was to come. Something bad, he was sure.

Jeonghan was many things in his life, stubborn perhaps being the most obvious one, but dumb wasn't one then. He knew that his ankle was fucked up, that he was probably the cause of it. Too many hours of training, never giving himself enough time to heal before he got the ice again. He didn't know exactly how bad it was, that was for the doctor in front of him to say, but Jeonghan knew that nothing good would come out of the man's mouth.

"It's worse than I thought," the man said with a sigh, taking off his glasses "It's not just your ankle anymore, it's also your knee. And, I could be wrong, but considering the way you're walking, I'd say that you're right ankle also started to bother you"

Jeonghan hung his head. He was an athlete and he knew that he was being reckless, beyond actually. He should have gone to his coach the second he felt a sharp pain in his ankle. But he just went home, took an ice bath, and kept the whole thing to himself. Even on the following days, when the pain didn't go away at all, he still chose to keep his mouth shut and go to practice every day. And his coach, unaware of his condition, kept pushing him during practice.

Not that he needed anyone to be harsh on him, Jeonghan did all of that on his own. But having someone else do that for him as well brought out a different desire for perfection. One that came from a dark place to show someone else that he was good, to prove people wrong.

"Can I still compete?" was all he asked, it was the only thing that mattered to him "Can I make it to the Olympics? It's the last one for me, after this I retire"

The look on the doctor's face wasn't reassuring, Jeonghan knew that his next words wouldn't be the ones he wanted. He wasn't about to hear what he needed.

"If, and only if, you have surgery, take physical therapy seriously, and rest as we instruct you, there might be a possibility. Small, but it exists"

"When can I have the surgery?"

You stared at your computer screen, a hand on your forehead as you read the email your boss sent you. You sat at your desk, not really knowing what to do.

"Seungkwan!" you called without looking up "Did you get this email too?"

Just to make sure that you weren't crazy, you read it once again. The third time in less than five minutes. No matter how many times you read it, it didn't change.

"Yeah. I'm excited but scared…"

That was enough to get your attention.

"Why?"

Closing your laptop, you stood up moving closer to Seungkwan. Unlike you, who read the email many times, Seungkwan had already started his research. Not that he really needed to, everyone at the office knew that he was a huge fan of figure skating. So of course he would know all about Yoon Jeonghan.

The nation's pride and joy in figure skating, at least in the make category.

"Why scared? I thought everyone loved him"

It was impossible to look away from the picture Seungkwan had open on his computer. Jeonghan's face really was something else, as if he had been carved in marble by some ancient Greek artist. From his dark hair covering his eyes, giving him almost a mysterious vibe, to the way his lips were slightly crooked into a smile. You had to give it to him, the man was absolutely stunning. No wonder he left a trail of fans everywhere he went.

"He isn't the biggest enthusiast when it comes to the press. He barely gives interviews so I guess doing a documentary about him won't be easy"

Seungkwan kept scrolling, reading the latest news on Jeonghan. But the truth was that there wasn't any. His social media was also rarely updated, the last post was from months before.

"Well, good luck to you"

"What do you mean? You're the one in charge"

You just shook your head. The problem was Jeonghan honestly, you barely knew anything about him, though Seungkwan's words didn't help the case. The thing was that you barely knew anything at all about sports, in general, much less about figure skating. Lack of knowledge was an easy fix. The real issue was the fact that a documentary on a sport was way too different from what you usually did.

"I'm not doing this one. I have other projects I want to work on. Plus, this is too sudden. They want us to start tomorrow, Seungkwan. Do you really think that it's possible to have anything done by tomorrow?" he shook his head and you nodded in agreement "Precisely, so I'm sure that if we talk with Jihoon…"

"Nothing will change"

A curse left your lips at the sudden voice behind you. Turning around you faced the small man. Jihoon had his arms crossed over his chest and the look in his eyes that told you that no matter what he wouldn't let you off the hook. Still, you had to try.

"Jihoon, I'm not your sports person. And it's too soon. I don't anything about Jeonghan or figure skating"

Jihoon simply shook his head at you.

"They want a different approach than the average sports documentary, so I recommended you. I'm sending Seungkwan with you because I know this isn't your area of expertise, though I highly suggest you do some sort of research" he turned around to leave with a wave of his hand then turned around for a second, as if remembering something "Hansol will be your camera and sound guy. They asked for a small crew"

With a salute Jihoon left.

"Fuck"

You couldn't take your eyes away from the crutches under Jeonghan's arms and the orthopedic boot around his left leg. There was not a single article that pointed to surgery. There were plenty about his constant injuries though. Seungkwan had the same look on his face, of pure shock.

"Are you okay?" you asked once he made himself comfortable on the couch.

Jeonghan sat sideways on the couch, his leg propped up over cushions. The position looked weird but he didn't seem to mind.

"Ah, this" he pointed at his leg nonchalantly, as if it was the most normal thing "Yeah, it's okay. Had to get the surgery done in order to make it to the next Olympic"

Nodding, you looked around. His apartment wasn't as big as you had expected. In fact, the three of you stood closely together in the living room, a bit too small for all the gear Hansol said he needed.

"Put your things down, let's talk. I don't know how this is going to work"

Me neither, you wanted to say but kept your mouth shut. Thankfully, Seungkwan was there to help you.

"Before we start any real interview or conversation, I think we have to tell you that this was very last minute for us. We only heard about this documentary yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon" he used his kindest voice, his voice laced with concern and a hit of fear, maybe "yn is in charge, she's the documentarist, she'll be asking the questions and dictating the overall direction that we're going to take with the documentary. I'm Seungkwan and that's Hansol. This is the smallest crew he could assemble"

Seungkwan was giving too many explanations, you felt. But he also wasn't wrong. What he did was normal, he was just introducing the crew. Maybe you were a little irritated by the way you were tossed into this job, without someone giving you enough time to prepare. Sixteen hours were barely enough.

"I assume my… reputation has gotten to you," Jeonghan said, a small smile on his lips.

A reputation he had indeed. Jeonghan was known for not liking the press and journalists. He avoided them at all costs and once, on one occasion, was seen being rude. And honestly, you had to give him a pass for it. Pushing the camera away from his face, almost delicately, could barely be considered rude at such a moment. There were way too many cameras around, all of them on his face, trying to get some sort of pronouncement on why he had not made it to the podium.

And that had been years before but people still remembered him by that one moment. But what exactly did they expect? He underperformed, came in fourth place, and injured himself in the process. Was anyone expecting a happy and bright Jeonghan?

"You can be comfortable around me. A conversation like this is fine. I just don't like being swarmed"

Though his words were inviting, his face told a whole different story. He clearly didn't want this documentary.

"All of our interactions will be recorded," you told him, not leaving room for arguments on his end "These first few minutes aren't, out of courtesy and so that we can set our goals. I need to know if you're uncomfortable with anything, or something that you don't want to be filmed, either right now or before we turn the cameras on. Once we start, we won't stop"

Jeonghan adjusted his position on the couch, his eyes never leaving you. It was like he was measuring your every move. He didn't like your tone, and how aggressive you were towards him.

"I know this was last minute and I apologize for that. This is going to be my last run and, as much as I hate to admit, I'm a bit sensitive to it.

With furrowed eyebrows, you nodded. Jeonghan knew that you didn't believe him or that you cared about his reasons. He knew that the sole reason you were there was because someone made you.

"Will you need to film my family?"

"Yes, usually film family members to get a complete idea of someone's life"

Turning around you nodded at Hansol, telling him to start setting up. With a shake of his head, Seungkwan moved to help him.

"I don't want my family to know the extent of my injuries. So if you only want them for context, to know about me as a child, that's fine. But they can't know anything about this" Jeonghan pointed at his leg "I've been hiding this for a very long time and I'd like to keep it that way"

You dropped your bag on the couch, eyes tired and mind filled with one too many thoughts. The day had been easier than you expected, far more so.

Based on Seungkwan's words you had expected to fight with Jeonghan in a way. It was a documentary so you needed him to talk and talk he did. There was no question unanswered or dodged, all of his answers were precise and consistent. All of it had sounded fake like he had rehearsed them a million times.

Even if you thought that your question had been good, and had caught him off guard, Jeonghan seemed to be fully prepared for it. He didn't hesitate for a second.

In the few hours you spent around him, you finally managed to understand the fascination most people had with him. He was handsome, yes, but that was just the very basic and surface level of him. Beyonce that he was also good with his words. It was hard to tell that he was lying because he talked with conviction. After just one interview you were sure that if one day Jeonghan decided to tell you that your mom wasn’t actually your mother, you’d somehow believe him.

And the man knew all of it. He was aware of his beauty and charm, of what it did to normal people, and he used it in his favor. Jeonghan knew that most people couldn’t resist a handsome talented man. And that was a part he was all too willing to fill.

“Yeah,” you answered your phone, not bothering to see who it was, certain that it was just Jihoon.

“How was it today?” he sounded just as tired as you felt and you couldn’t help but wonder if he was okay.

“Fine”

“Just fine?”

You turned on your back, facing the ceiling, or at least whatever you could see with the lights turned off - not a whole lot, to be honest.

“He lied through his teeth today. There was no manager, and no coach around, though I do remember him saying someone would come. The person never showed up” you sighed “Seungkwan hates and Vernon probably thinks I’m a crazy bitch. So yeah, just fine”

Jihoon laughed on the other side of the line and you felt the little butterflies in your stomach come to life. You rolled your eyes at yourself. How pathetic it was of you, to have a crush on your boss. How very much bland of you.

Growing up, like a lot of girls that were influenced by way too much TV, you had wanted the be the odd one out. The I’m one of the guys kind of girl, or the one who refused to wear any kind of makeup or even come close to the pink because that was just girly for you. And now there you were, in love with the color pink, finding excuses to wear pretty dresses, and having a crush on your boss.

Teenage you would throw eggs at your head if she had the chance.

“Okay, but how was Jeonghan?” Jihoon pressed even further.

You sighed and closed your eyes, covering over face with your hand.

“He was polite, answered all of my questions, had a pleasant smile the entire time, and only asked for a bathroom break while we were there. Offered us food and drinks. He was fine” you said again, emphasizing the fine.

You could picture Jihoon, nodding his head and looking at the floor, probably thinking of what to ask next.

“Why would Seungkwan hate you? And why would Vernon think you’re a bitch?”

“Seungkwan thinks I went too hard on Jeonghan and Vernon just trusts Seungkwan’s judgment and goes with it”

Jihoon laughed again and you heard him moving around.

“Classic yn, going at someone while she’s angry. At least your anger was sort of directed to the right person”

“What is that supposed to mean?” you sat up.

You liked to think that you didn’t act that way all the time. In your mind, most of the time, you were able to hide your anger and just play nice like your mother had taught you to be. Jihoon’s words told a completely different story.

“Have some rest, there’s still a lot of work to do. Tomorrow you’re going with him to rehab, right?” Jihoon paused for a second and you heard a female voice in the back, you couldn’t make out what she said but you were sure of who it belonged to “I have to go. We’ll talk next week”

The line was disconnected and leaned back on the couch again. The problem of having a crush on your boss was also the fact that he had a long-time girlfriend and soon he was supposed to be marrying her.

You groaned, wondering if you had gone far enough that there was no going back from this crush.

You sat across from Jeonghan once again, the position exactly the same as the first day. But this time you chose to be less irritable.

The other day you were frustrated because you had to give up other projects to be able to accompany Jeonghan and that, thinking rationally, had nothing to do with him. He asked for a specific documentary filmmaker profile and you were chosen by the studio. Maybe it was more your fault than his. But it was also a no-return kind of situation. The job was assigned to you and there was nothing you could do to change it. So the least you could do was do your best and pray that it didn’t take a turn for the worse.

And, if anything, the conversation with Jihoon helped you focus on work. It wouldn't be the first time you were doing something you didn't want to do and it certainly wouldn't be the last. So you decided that the best thing to do was just work, showing your professional side that had been left aside before.

Jeonghan looked at you the same way, eyes serious as if he was ready for a new attack.

"Thank you," he said to Vernon, who had just placed the microphone inside his jacket, so that he could pick up the sound well, but it was not visible to the camera.

You turned to Seungkwan and Vernon, waiting for confirmation from the two that you could begin. You received a wave from each of them after they checked that the cameras were on and recording.

You took a deep breath and turned to Jeonghan.

"I wanted to apologize for yesterday," you said "I wasn't fair to you. I was irritated by things that had nothing to do with you, but I somehow decided that they did"

Everyone in Jeonghan's living room seemed to hold their breath, you included. You didn't know what to expect from Jeonghan, not really. You had been anything but ungracious with him, in a way that to most people meant that any door between you two had closed.

Jeonghan decided, at that moment, that he had two options: a) he could let the previous day dictate how all interactions between the two of you from then on would be, and it would be many months of a bad relationship that would bring no benefit to anyone involved in it; or b) he could accept your apology, which seemed sincere enough, and let go of the discomfort he felt.

Option b was actually the only possible choice.

“Okay” he finally smiled “my reputation isn’t the best, either way”

Seungkwan and Vernon breathed a sigh of relief. It was as if a huge gray cloud had moved away and the weather was beginning to clear.

“No, your reputation had no influence. I was the one who lost my hand because of my problems and for that, I apologize” you said and you were sincere in your words “But Jeonghan, I need you to stop seeing me as your enemy. I need you to be honest with me.”

You hoped Jeonghan could understand what you were saying.

“You think I wasn’t honest?” he tilted his head as if analyzing you.

“In the same way that you don't want your reputation to affect the way I see you, I need you to not let the way you see other journalists affect the way you see me. I want to tell your story, however you want it told, but I need you to be honest with me.”

You hoped Jeonghan could understand what you were saying.

He was silent for a minute, his eyes fixed on his hands. His hair covered his face, so it was hard to get an idea of what was going through his head.

You looked at Seungkwan, seeking confirmation that you hadn’t been rude. He seemed to be as lost as you were, but the small smile he gave you was enough to make your restless heart rest for a second.

“What if I say something and regret it later?”

It was the first time Jeonghan looked insecure and it was a strange sight, but much more realistic than the other version of him.

“We can edit it, it’s not a problem. I said that because I was angry” you said apologetically once again.

“Can we throw it all away and start again?”

Jeonghan smiled and you had no choice but to smile along with him.

“Let’s start with what’s happening now,” you said, folding your legs under your body, notebook open to a blank page and a pen ready to take notes “You underwent surgery not long ago, right? Why?"

Jeonghan took a deep breath, eyes closed for a second before placing all his attention on you. His gaze was almost too intense. You had to force yourself not to look anywhere but at him.

“A few years ago I fell during training and twisted my ankle. At the time, it wasn't a big deal and if I had stayed quiet for a few weeks, and did everything right, I wouldn't have had any problems. But I couldn't do it, I was preparing for a competition. I didn't tell anyone about the problem and just endured the pain. When I participated in the competition I fell again and that only made the situation worse. Today I have a problem with my ligament and tendon.”

With every word that left his mouth, you felt like a lump was forming in your throat, and with every second it was getting bigger.

Unlike the day before, it didn't seem like Jeonghan was lying, but you didn't know if you wanted the truth he was sharing. Even if it was a lie, a character he had created, the version of Jeonghan from before was a little brighter, a little more present in the moment. The version of him that was in front of you, that you imagined to be the closest to reality, was almost sad, detached from everything.

“Because I forced my right knee a lot, trying to compensate for the lack of my left one, I developed a problem with that one too”

“You’ve never talked about your injuries before, right?” he nodded “Why talk now?”

He was silent again, his lower lip caught between his teeth. That was a great question, one that not even Jeonghan himself knew exactly how to answer.

“I'm not sure, to be honest” he laughed a little. Instead of looking directly at the camera, his eyes were focused on you “Someone came up with the idea at some point and it didn't seem like a bad one, but I think it will only work if I make it to the Olympics.”

“Is that the ultimate goal then, to get to the Olympics?”

He shook his head, that fearless, confident look you had only seen in photos finally making itself known.

“No, the ultimate goal is to win”

As promised, Jeonghan waited for you, Seungkwan, and Vernon outside the clinic. He was nowhere to be seen, really, but the car his assistant informed you of was parked right in front of the door.

You were the first one to exit your own car, while Seungkwan and Vernon prepared the camera to follow along. You could only assume he was the manager. Terribly young for a manager, sure, but a manager nonetheless.

“I assume you’re in” he extended a hand to you “I’m Joshua”

“Hi”

The exchange of words with Joshua was quick, no more than half a dozen. You didn't have much to talk about with him and he wasn't your priority, at least not at the moment. Later, at some other time, talking to him would be great. He had introduced himself as a friend/manager of Jeonghan. Having his point of view would be great and could contribute a lot, but your eyes couldn't leave Jeonghan.

His hair was tied back, but a cap covered much of his face. He had barely said hi to you or the other two. It wasn't a big surprise. While it was true that made up to a certain extent, you didn't expect him to simply welcome you with open arms, but his reaction was strange - or as strange as the reaction of a person you knew little, or nothing, could be.

“Can we film it?” You asked.

Jeonghan stopped and turned towards you. He had forgotten that you and your team would attend his first physical therapy session, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

Since the last time you saw each other, Jeonghan spent hours on end watching documentaries made by you and they all had one thing in common: they were almost like video logs. You followed everyone around documenting every tiny aspect of their lives. All those people told their stories and didn't seem afraid of having their lives exposed. And perhaps for people who didn't lead lives where they had been exposed too much, sincerity came easily.

For Jeonghan, that was never the case.

Being treated as the future, a promise of the sport, had brought a lot of harm and situations that neither he, nor anyone else, had the option to deal with or even, perhaps, ignore.

Cameras were pointed at him, rumors spread and suddenly he wasn't just Yoon Jeonghan, the boy who started skating because it would annoy his little sister. He became someone from whom people expected something.

As much as he could, Jeonghan tried to live up to all of those expectations, realistic or not. He tried to be as perfect as possible, on the ice and off of it. And it only took one day of silence, a few rude unanswered questions, and one bad performance — which had no real effect — for everything to collapse.

“You said you would film anything and everything.”

You grimaced, clearly regretful and maybe even a little embarrassed. It wasn't his intention, but he found your reaction funny anyway.

In your place, Jeonghan would have done much worse.

“Do you think it’s important?”

You nodded, perhaps more forcefully than necessary. Jeonghan laughed, he wanted to hold your head to make sure it was still in the right place.

“The documentary is about your return, so filming you here is important. I asked because it's your first session. I heard it can be painful.”

“It will probably be uncomfortable” he couldn’t deny that “Let’s do it like this, you can record it, if in the end you think it’s bad or that it doesn’t fit, we won’t use it

You quietly followed Jeonghan and Joshua out of the clinic, Seungkwan and Vernon trailing behind you talking in hushed tones. It was no surprise that they were talking. Truth was rehab had been brutal. You knew that it could get hard for Jeonghan, that it could be painful but nothing really prepared you for what you saw. And if it was hard for you to watch him go through that, it was unimaginable to understand how it was for him.

Throughout the entire session, Jeonghan looked in pain, his grunts and the scowl on his face growing with each passing second and new movement. Midway through you told Seungkwan and Vernon to stop filming. You had seen enough and you had more than what you needed for the documentary.

You would only film his rehab again when he was no longer in such pain, you decided. Out of the many things you learned about Jeonghan was that showing his weaknesses wasn’t something he was too fond of or even comfortable with the idea of it. So there was no real reason to keep recording and you couldn’t stand it either.

While you watched his face contort in pain, you felt something inside your chest tighten.

It had never been a real issue before with you. You had always managed to separate your personal emotions from the things you felt while working. More often than not you told stories that were hard to listen to, took someone’s suffering, and put it on the TV for the entire world to see in hopes that maybe a part of their lives would be changed. You had always been able to detach yourself from that.

However while inside with Jeonghan, such a thing was not possible. You felt your throat constrict and your eyes grow wet and for a short while, you couldn’t breathe either. It made no sense really. Why did it hurt to see this man, you knew nothing about, in pain to the point you wanted to cry? Why did it sadden you so much that he was limping harder than before?

You wanted to approach him, ask if he was okay, if it had been too much. But it was out of line, it was one that you knew you shouldn’t cross. There was this itch though, in the back of your mind, begging you to just ask, to just take a step closer to him.

It happened so suddenly that you didn’t even see it happening. One second it was just the five of you in the parking lot, in the next there were reporters with mics and cameras pointed at Jeonghan. You noticed how Jeonghan raised his shoulders at the same time he lowered his head. He couldn’t see in front of himself, you were certain.

Joshua put an arm around Jeonghan’s shoulder while he used the other one to keep them away from him. Not that it was of any use. One of the cameras was directly under his face as if trying to get an expression, anything at all, that could show his discomfort with the situation. From somewhere behind you there were flashes.

"Do you believe your injury was a result of your own carelessness?" someone asked.

You felt your blood run cold for a second and you froze in place, Seungkwan and Vernon behind you.

"Do you think your skating career is over after such devastating injuries?" someone followed.

"Did you regret pushing yourself so hard during training, knowing it led to your injury?"

"How did it feel to watch other skaters progress while you were stuck in rehab?"

"Are you worried that your injury will define your career more than your achievements on the ice?"

The questions got progressively worse and you wanted to scream at them to just shut up, and stop. How could they just ambush someone like that with those questions? It made no sense at all. And though you knew that it would cause more harm than good you wished Jeonghan would tell them all to fuck off.

Instead, he kept his head low and just slowly walked to his car while ignoring everyone around him, all the careless words being thrown at him.

You tried to take a step forward but were held back by Seungkwan, who gripped the strap of your purse. He didn’t say a word, just shook his head.

“They can’t just do that to him” you almost cried

“If you say anything, it might only make matters worse,” Hansol said, his voice sad.

That sudden need to protect Jeonghan felt weird but oddly natural as well. Weird because you knew that you shouldn’t, because you hardly knew the guy. Natural because it felt as if you had always done that like it was just second nature to you.

“He is used to this,” Seungkwan said, still not letting go of your purse.

“He shouldn’t be! They are barely treating him like a human!”

By the time you turned around, Jeonghan was already inside the car leaving the parking lot.

The clock on the top of your phone screen told you that it was 4:37 am. You hadn't even realized that you had spent so many hours still awake.

As soon as you got home from the rehab with Jeonghan, you took a quick shower, ate the leftovers from the night before, and started to look up Jeonghan’s performances.

The man was a celebrity amongst athletes since he was a child. He was always seen as a promise of the sport. He was good from the start. Performing moves that he was still too young to do, entering competitions boys his age never really competed in and somehow managing to either come up to the podium or even winning some of them.

Everything was displayed online. Yearly competitions, practices, and small moments of his life.

Jeonghan's entire life, at least the sports part, was exposed on the internet for anyone, from anywhere in the world, to see. And it wasn't just the competitions, having videos of that part seemed completely normal and expected.

What was scary was all the other content. Some photos of him in school uniform, not one where he was actually looking at the camera, but ones that were clearly taken in secret. Another one from when he seemed to have simply gone out for coffee with Joshua.

You knew he had fans, that he was liked wherever he went, and that he was always followed, but that seemed a bit much.

In reality, watching videos of the competitions was like a gateway to everything that came after.

You knew very little about Jeonghan, only what you had read about in all the articles that you found and all of them had one thing in common: Jeonghan was a huge diva, who thought he was superior to everyone. But after seeing how he had been treated that day, as soon as he got out of rehab, you knew it wasn't like that. It was as if they had appeared out of nowhere, one second the parking lot was empty and the next it was full of journalists, shouting things and asking questions that to many would seem harmless, but were clearly intended to hurt.

Instead of watching more competition videos, not that there were many you hadn't watched yet, you decided to look for the famous video of him treating journalists badly.

You had never found one so easily on the internet. You just typed "Jeonghan and journalists" into the search bar and it was the first video to appear.

It was a scene very similar to the previous day. Jeonghan was in the parking lot, walking towards the guy when he was surrounded by several journalists.

"You didn't get the podium today, are you disappointed?" one of them asked and that was the most harmless question he got. “Did you really try hard or did you think you would get a high score because you were the favorite?” “Why did you fall in such a simple jump?” “Don't you think it was an amateur's performance?”

You didn't want to keep listening to all those meaningless questions, but you couldn't take your eyes off Jeonghan. He still had short hair at the time, even covering his eyebrows. His jaw was clenched, his eyes were hard, and his gaze was focused straight ahead, as he walked slowly to his car. Joshua tried as best he could to control the journalists with their microphones and cameras, but he was just one man against many. Finally, after what felt like ages, two security guards appeared, pushing the journalists away as they began shouting profanities in Jeonghan's direction.

Could those people even consider themselves journalists? Real journalists, who took their work seriously?

There is a very fine line between being a journalist who asks incisive questions and one who is completely disrespectful to the athlete. And those people were anything but professional.

It was no surprise that after that Jeonghan refused to give interviews.

That whole situation happened years before, at the beginning of the previous Olympic cycle, but even so, it was still a moment that haunted him. People remembered him as just that guy, someone who refused to answer simple questions. But what exactly did these people expect? That he was all smiles when he failed to reach the podium, even though he was the favorite in the competition? That he smiles when he hurts?

Finally, you managed to understand why he acted that way, and why his answers were so polite and direct. Jeonghan didn't want to leave room for interpretation. Not that he had much of a choice. People only see what they want to see, but that didn't mean he couldn't try.

Jeonghan couldn’t take his eyes away from your back, he followed your every move. You stood next to Joshua, talking to him quietly, his friend showing you something on his phone. He felt something scratch at his neck. This new and unknown feeling.

It was unusual for Jeonghan, to want to have someone’s undivided attention. It was usually the other way around and he was never willing to do it, with anyone. And then there you were and suddenly he didn’t like that you were talking with Joshua.

It wasn’t like you seemed to be having fun either. You moved around with intention, your eyes always focused, your words and questions firm and straight to the point. Jeonghan couldn’t help but wonder if it was always like that with you. If your professional persona always took over who you were in other moments.

His curiosity was huge but his courage to ask was very little.

“She may seem like it, but she won’t bite your head off if you talk with her,” someone said on his left.

Seungkwan stood at his side, his hands clasped in front of him while he rocked on his heels.

“I think she will,” Jeonghan said.

Seungkwan took his reply as an invitation to sit.

“You know, in the office, people call her the ice queen” he too looked in your direction, at your serious expression "She’s like that most of the time”

Jeonghan looked at Seungkwan expectantly, he knew there was a but coming soon. All he needed to do was wait long enough.

“She didn’t want to take this job, our boss forced her to. She’s more into storytelling, real people, with real issues”

“Am I not a real person?”

The offense in Jeonghan’s voice made Seungkwan almost fall off his chair. He didn’t intend for his words to sound like that.

“Of course you are” he laughed nervously while trying to explain it as best as he could “If it were up to her, she would focus this documentary on you, on how you started skating, why, what attracted you to it, how it affected the rest of your life. But your team doesn’t want that, I think. We were told that you already gave many interviews on the matter so there’s no point in talking about it again. They want us to focus on your recovery and then you make it to the Olympics. She’s trying to figure out how to do that in a way that makes someone watch it”

Jeonghan nodded, feeling guilty. It had been his request to not the documentary so focused on the past and more on what was happening in the moment

“She also doesn’t like sports and hated the idea of the job, but that's beside the point”

Both of them laughed, eyes still on your back now that you talked with Vernon, giving him new instructions.

“I’ll make sure that she gets to do the kind of documentary she thinks is best”

Seungkwan stood up, a big smile on his lips.

“Who could have known that the ice queen and the ice prince aren’t actually that cold”

After months of just rehab, it’s finally time for Jeonghan to get back on the ice and it pained you a little to admit that you were looking forward to it. The videos you watched could only take you so far, you wanted to actually see the real thing. Him, in action.

Of course, you know that he wasn’t going to be able to do a third of the things he did on those videos. But you wanted to see him in his element, how he would behave when he was finally around the thing he loved the most in the world — his words, not yours.

The one thing you were able to learn from Jeonghan was the fact that he indeed loved what he did. Like most people, sometimes he hated it. It was the thing he was most passionate about, yes, but it was also his job, so there were days when he just hated and the mere idea of leaving the house was too much.

It was too hard to be a professional athlete, it demanded way too much of him. Of anyone, really. Sometimes he wanted to be like everyone else and just not put everything he was into it. But if he did that, he lost one single day, he was scared that he could lose an entire year and maybe that year turned into two and then he could lose his chance to go to the Olympics.

And he only had one change left.

So, instead of focusing on much he didn’t want to do, Jeonghan decided to focus on the fact that there was only a year ahead of him and he would be able to do whatever he wanted and have as many down days as he wanted.

He didn’t know what he wanted to do and what would be the after for him but it gave him something to look forward to.

“Are you nervous?” you asked him.

Jeonghan was someone who was mostly quiet. You noticed that once he started to feel more comfortable he was one to start the conversation and even crack a few jokes here and there. Seungkwan had been the first person he kind of opened up to, which had left you a hint of jealousy. You wanted to be one he talked with mostly because it was your job but also just because.

However, he had been especially quiet that day. The three of you went to meet him at his apartment. The idea was that you’d follow him the entire day, from the moment he woke up, to when he went to the doctor to get the final clear and then finally to the ring.

He had talked very little, his eyes always focused somewhere else. It was clear that his mind was traveling somewhere far, far away. So you left him be, quietly watching him just move around. A silent shooting day, you told yourself In the end, however, you had a job and he needed to do the talking.

“It’s been too long,” he said, his eyes never really leaving the ice “I don’t know if I can still do it”

You laughed, causing him to finally look at you, eyes wide on his face. He tried to look serious but the corners of his lips were turned slightly up.

“You just don’t feel confident, but you didn’t forget it” you looked at his ankle, it was still weird to see him without any sort of protection around it “How’s your ankle?”

He just shook his head and in that moment you chose to believe that he was said It doesn’t bother me anymore.

Through the interviews, you found out that Jeonghan is the kind of person to suffer in silence. It was clear from all of his previous injuries, how he competed while in pain and only ever said anything when it was almost too late.

“Do you think I can still do it?”

There was something in his voice like he was almost on the verge of breaking. He sounded vulnerable in a way that was entirely too new, in a way you wanted to push Vernon and his camera away because that was a part of him you knew he didn’t want the world to see.

Instead, you reached for his arm, patting it a couple of times, hoping that your touch, as ungraceful and awkward as it was, was able to soothe him, even if it was just for a moment.

“I was watching some of your competitions last night, again, you know? And that guy? He’s still in there, I’m sure of it, I’ve seen him”

You weren’t just saying that to cheer him up, your words were true. You had seen that version of him, little glimpses here and there. He was in the way his eyes suddenly changed and it was like he owned the entire room, in the way he suddenly turned confident, in the way he was charming in a way that was almost sickening but all too enchanting either way.

Whether or not he believed it himself, Yoon Jeonghan was a force to be reckoned with.

"What kind of kid were you?" you asked, looking up at Jeonghan.

He sat opposite to you, bent down to tie the laces on his skates. His hair covered his face, you were sure that he couldn't see much, but he didn't seem bothered by it in the least. Maybe he had just gotten used to it.

Four months had gone by since you started to follow Jeonghan and even before that, he had kept his hair long. And you hated to admit that he looked good, too good even.

"What kind do you think I was?" He smirked at you for a second before going back to his skates.

Rolling your eyes, you couldn't help but smile.

"This is not how it works. I ask the questions here"

Jeonghan leaned back on his seat, giving you his full attention. His smirk did something to your insides. It felt tight and loose at the same time, like wild butterflies running around on your skin.

"Come on, humor me"

You pretended to be in deep thought, Jeonghan as a child had been something you thought about for a long time now. Even though he was very serious most of the time there were these small moments where he looked like a kid ready to do something he wasn't supposed to.

"I can only think of you as a troublemaker” you smiled, closing your notes knowing well that you’d make no progress at all with the filming “I’ve seen pictures of you and a child and although you looked very cute, I’m sure you were a handful to your mother”

Jeonghan laughed, throwing his head back and in that moment he looked so carefree.

Even since the start of the documentary Jeonghan had used his most serious expressions, a frown always taking over his beautiful features. But he had been back on the ice for a few days already and in those days he had looked the happiest you had seen him yet.

Of course, he still hasn’t practiced the way he wanted or the way he used to. He still needed to take things slowly: fewer hours, less power in the movements. But it was undeniable that he was a completely different person.

It wasn’t that he had been in a bad mood every single day but there was just something about him in his element, of him doing something he was obviously passionate about, that was so enchanting that it became impossible to look away from him.

“Where did you see those pictures?”

“You do know that I had to google you because I had no idea who you were, right?”

One thing you managed to learn about Jeonghan is the fact that, if in the right mood, he is a trickster and most of all, a flit. You weren’t even sure that he was aware of what he was doing, it seemed like second nature to him.

He put a hand over his chest, faking being in pain. His face contorted and a pout on his lips.

“I thought we were getting to know each other”.

Seungkwan coughed by your side, finally making you remember that there were people around you and that the entire interaction between you and Jeonghan was being recorded.

There was something about Jeonghan that always seemed to make you forget where you were, that maybe there were people around you. You could only suppose that it was the charm of a man who knew exactly what he was doing, who knew how to sweet talk someone.

And Jeonghan knew what he was doing, what kind of words or looks could get a reaction from a woman.

Most of the time while around Jeonghan you had to remind your heart to be calm and quiet. Being around him was a temporary arrangement, as soon as the Olympics started said arrangement would be done and you’d have to go back to your normal life. One that didn’t include Yoon Jeonghan. And you also knew that there wasn’t space for you in his life.

“We’re going to set up the cameras around the ice,” Seungkwan said awkwardly while dragging Verno by the hand.

You watched as the two walked away from you, whispering in secrecy. You could only imagine the kind of things that they were saying. If you knew Seungkwan at all, you were certain that it couldn’t be any good.

“Jeonghan, I ask questions and you answer them. And while one could say that I’m getting to know you, I don’t think it would be possible to say the same thing about me”

Jeongahn's smile was defiant when he crossed his arms over his chest.

“You have a no-bullshit policy, which I should have known, from the start, but I wasn’t expecting someone like you. Although you try really hard to pretend that you’re not, your eyes are kind and you quietly take care of those around you, me included sometimes. You got worried when I was in pain in rehab and when Vernon got hurt it seemed as if you were angry, but you were concerned about him and after that, you asked to have another staff with you so that he wouldn’t need to carry so many things on his own. You and Seungkwan bicker a lot but when he isn’t around for a day you are quieter and your questions have been more direct. That doesn’t make you a lousy documentarist, please don’t think that I’m saying that, you take your job very seriously. I’m saying that you put people above your job. I’m guessing that’s why you wanted to become a documentarist, to begin with, to tell stories”

You stared at him, mouth open wondering just how he had come up with all of that and why he had managed to hit everything right on the stop. Especially the reason why you became a documentarist. It seemed very obvious, yes, but it wasn’t something that you had said.

In fact, your personal life was something that very few people knew. You weren’t one to share your thoughts and what was on your mind with people. Seungkwan was a good friend, but he was a work friend so your personal life was just that, personal. Not that you had someone to share it with, either way.

The apartment was empty when you left and it was in the exact same way and you got back. You were on your own, with no parents, no siblings and most of your friends had given up on you somewhere along the way.

For the longest time, you put your job first. It came before anything and anyone. You were building your career and name at the time so it was hard not to put it first. It was your dream, one that your friends supported at first but were displeased when you decided to put it first.

You had thought that if you made it big on your job if you got hired by a big production company, you’d be able to find the happiness that you had searched for a long time. And while some of it was true, your career was on the right path and you did something you loved, you didn’t have a lot more beyond that going one.

It was become just you and your job.

Was it sad? Yes, but it was also the life you chose.

“Just because I don’t know details of your life, doesn’t mean that I don’t watch you, yn”

You watched as Jeonghan fell for what felt like the hundredth time that day. It didn't make sense, not really. At least not for you. And from the looks of it, for him too.

He was frustrated and completely angry. All those people looking at him, expectations high, waiting for something. He wasn't sure what. For him to fail? To see if he still could do it?

Everything was possible and impossible at the same time.

He couldn't stop his eyes from going after you every time you fell. Somehow, your reaction was the only one that mattered to him. The first few times your face was completely emotionless, as if you were staring at a blank wall. Then Jeonghan fell once again, and again, and again. He stopped counting at 10, but he knew it was much more than that actually. But your gaze, which was fixed on him, became more worried as the minutes passed and he hated being the cause of it.

Somehow, since he met you, only two things were on Jeonghan's mind: skating and you.

He didn't know how, he didn't know why, but you had taken over his every thought. It was as if you had walked through an imaginary door and entered his mind and decided that it was a great place to be.

Even on days when you didn't see each other because there was no recording, he was tempted to talk to you. And on one of those days, he just succumbed to the temptation of picking up the phone and calling you.

“Jeonghan, is everything okay?” was the first thing you said.

He hated that worry was the first emotion he awakened in you. He hated that the first thing you said wasn't "hello" like a normal person. But at the same time, the concern made him feel somehow welcomed. It could, of course, be all in his head, and what he saw as concern for himself was actually concern for the documentary.

"I just wanted to talk," he admitted.

Maybe it was because he had gotten used to talking to you, maybe it was because you offered zero judgment for the way he thought or reacted. Or maybe it was because it was you. Whatever it was, Jeonghan felt comfortable talking to you.

Telling the truth, about everything, was not difficult, in fact, it became something very easy. It was because of you, he knew.

"I realized I don't know anything about you"

You laughed and he listened as you moved through what he imagined to be his apartment.

"That's because I interview you and not the other way around"

He sat on the bed, his legs stretched out in front of him as he supported the rest of his weight on his arms stretched behind him.

"Do you think it's so bad that I know anything about you?"

You remained silent for a few seconds, seeming to think about the idea. It wasn't bad, not at all.

At several moments you found yourself with your cell phone in your hand, ready to send a message or call him. You weren’t sure what, but there was something about Jeonghan that just made you want to tell him everything.

"What do you want to know?" you said with a sigh.

"Whatever you want to share"

The great truth is that very little happened in your life. You lived alone, worked every day, and came home alone. Your last boyfriend, or even a fling, was over a year before. Your friends, if you could call them that, were all from work. Your life was quite still and dull. Even if you wanted to talk about work. Jeonghan was your job. There wasn't much to talk about.

"I don't think I have much to tell" you knew that what you were about to say wasn't the happiest topic in the world, but it was what you had to offer "My mother passed away when I was nineteen, since then I've been alone"

You could still clearly remember the day your father left. There wasn't a fight. He never packed his bag and left. One day he was there when you woke up, he gave you breakfast and took you to school, like he did on most days. But it was his job to pick you up and he never showed up. Your mother showed up instead, her eyes swollen as she did her smile to smile at you and explain to the teacher why she was so late. When you finally got home she said "Now it's just you and me. Daddy had to leave"

For months, years even, you waited for him to come back. You thought one day he would just appear in front of you. You were disappointed when it was your mother who showed up to pick you up when he didn't come to his birthdays when you called the number he had left with his mother and he never answered.

You waited until you turned 18 to go after him. You only had a name, but with that alone, a person can find everything on the internet. You found him in another state, working at a real estate agency. You sat down in front of him and talked for about half an hour. You made up a story about going to college and needing a place to live. You said your name and your mother's name several times, surname and everything, and at no point did he seem to connect one thing to the other. Until the last second, when you said you would think about renting the studio he had suggested, and he walked you to the door. He said, "I left for a reason, don't come back here."

You couldn't believe what you had heard. You couldn't understand why he left and why he never came back. But at that moment you decided that if he didn't want you, you didn't need him. Your mother had worked so hard to make sure you had everything you needed.

Exactly one year later, your mother died in a bizarre car accident. It was like being 7 years old again and losing another person, only in a much more painful way.

"You don’t have any siblings?" Jeonghan's voice on the other end brought you back "Relatives?"

You shook her head, even though you knew he couldn't see you.

"I was an only child, so no siblings. My mom was an orphan so relatives either. My father left when I was a child"

You and Jeonghan spent the whole night on the phone, talking about everything and nothing. From trivial things to more personal matters. His delight upon learning that you didn’t have a boyfriend didn’t go unnoticed.

Calls and messages became commonplace between the two of you. Your heart raced every time a new message arrived and it was hard to hide your disappointment when you realized it wasn't from him. On days when you didn't see each other, you would stare at your phone, waiting for it to ring, waiting for him to call.

So you hoped he understood when you shook your head in his direction, a request written on your face. That's enough for today, you can try more tomorrow, you hoped he would understand.

Instead of trying one more time after he fell once again, he skated to the edge of the ice. His face was red from the effort, and his chest rose and fell in an uneven rhythm trying to force air back into his lungs.

"I want everyone out," he said, his voice broken.

Seungkwan and Vernon didn't even question it, they simply started putting away the equipment. Jihoon, who had shown up unexpectedly to "supervise" didn't seem to understand what was going on, but turned to help Vernon.

Jeonghan's coach was the only one who approached him, his hand on the athlete's shoulder.

"Go home, rest. Tomorrow we try again"

Jeonghan shook his head. He would only get out of there after managing to make the damn jump, even if he had to stay the whole night.

"Just half an hour more, but I want to be alone"

The coach clearly didn't like the idea, but he knew it was stupid to try and make Jeonghan change his mind.

You turned to him, looking at his face, trying to figure out if he was in pain or if he was just being a big blockhead. Without giving yourself the luxury of thinking about what you were doing, you placed your hand over Jeonghan's and squeezed for a second. You hoped he understood what you meant.

"You have to rest"

You knew everyone was watching, that despite saying they were leaving they weren't actually moving. Jeonghan didn't seem to care and for a moment you decided not to care either.

“Stay,” he said softly, so only you could hear him “please.”

Some strands of hair were stuck to Jeonghan's face, you wanted to get them out of his face, but caution spoke louder. You looked over your shoulder and everyone was still looking at the two of you, but as soon as they noticed your gaze they started moving again. Seungkwan shouted “We’re leaving” and seconds later the door slammed.

Finally, you were alone.

“You have to rest,” you said again.

You took advantage of the fact that no one else was there and removed the strands of hair stuck to his forehead, tucking it behind his ear. Jeonghan sighed, his eyes closing as he leaned towards you. Just that little touch wasn't enough.

“I need to get it right”

"If you stop now and rest you will know what you are doing wrong"

A half smile shined on Jeonghan's face as he leaned further into the barrier, his face just inches away from his.

"My ego loves it when you say I'm doing something wrong”

You pushed him back, needing a little bit more space to yourself. He was too close, you could feel his breath on your nose and cheeks. It was suddenly as if the world was made of Yoon Jeonghan, it was just him and no one else.

“I’m sure your ego will be just fine”

Instead of pulling your hand back, you allowed it to stay in his chest. Jeonghan smiled for a second before pressing his hand over yours.

“Just another 30 minutes” he repeated what he said to his coach “I promise I’ll stop in precisely 30 minutes”

You nodded with a sigh. There was nothing you could do to stop him. Something told you that even if you threatened him to leave he would stay and practice, he would stay on the ice for far more than just 30 minutes if you weren’t around.

So you sat down and waited for him. And he fell time and time again, his face growing displeased with himself at each passing second, each time he jumped but didn't manage to land.

Jeonghan had done that same jump countless times before with ease as if one's body would simply perform such movements. To him, it always seemed as easy as walking. You had seen it in all of his videos, almost in trance by him.

“If you’re not done in twenty-one minutes” you pretended to look at your imaginary watch “I’m taking you out of there by force”

Jeonghan threw his head back, laughing.

“Remember when you said that you never skated before?” Jeonghan asked after finally being able to breathe properly again.

You weren’t too sure how, but he had stopped after 30 minutes. A big smile on his face after he managed to land the jump after so many tries. After getting it right once, he didn’t get it wrong again. It was like something clicked inside his brain as if he had found the last missing piece of the puzzle.

Of all the things you said to Jeonghan, from the most personal to the most trivial, that was, by far, the only one you regretted. You had told him over the phone but he looked horrified, it was easy to imagine the wide eyes on his face.

But him standing there, in front of you, with a smile that could only be seen on the face of a mischievous child, said much more than any words he could utter.

“No,” you said, shaking your head, already moving back.

You had learned several peculiarities about Jeonghan in all the months you spent by his side, and one of the most glaring was the look in his eyes when he was about to do something he shouldn't.

“You have to try, at least once” his lips were a mixture of a smile and a pout “You will have the best teacher in the world”

You saw it and shook your head again.

“I can’t trust a teacher who spent the day falling” you pointed to the rink behind him.

As soon as the words left your mouth, you regretted them. You didn't know if your words would offend him, you hoped he knew it wasn't your intention. But you also knew that hell was paved with good intentions. Jeonghan was silent for a minute, his face serious, his eyes not leaving yours for an entire minute.

Then he smiled, his nose wrinkling a little as he laughed, loudly. It didn't take long for you to join him.

“You’re evil,” he said, trying to control himself, but failing “This way you’re going to break my heart”

“I think there are few things in this world that can break your heart.”

You would definitely be one of them, Jeonghan wanted to say, but he held his tongue in his mouth. He knew he couldn't say that, he knew that any word said wrongly could simply ruin everything he had built so far. If he could even say he built something. He liked to think so.

From the first time you spoke, Jeonghan knew there was no going back, at least for him. He had never done anything like that. He had never called someone in the middle of the night simply because he wanted to hear someone's voice. And in this case, it wasn't just someone's voice, it was your voice that he wanted to hear.

With each passing sentence, Jeonghan found himself falling more in love with you and he wasn't able to say why. Maybe he could blame it on your eyes, always so focused, but somehow when they turned to him, they seemed so sweet and sincere. Or your voice, which gave orders and asked incisive questions, but as soon as the cameras were turned off it became gentle and almost shy. Maybe it was the fact that you seemed like a lioness when you were working, never giving space for unfounded questions, but you were shy when it was just the two of you alone.

He liked this version of you, who was right in front of him, who seemed completely comfortable with him, to the point of making jokes — something that until that moment you hadn't done yet.

“We always have extra pairs in the back, I'm sure one of them is your size” he had made sure you would, with Seungkwan's help of course “And then we try it, what do you think?”

Even though you were shaking your head, you went to the closet where you knew the skates were stored.

With your knees bent and shaking, you stepped onto the ice and immediately regretted giving in to Jeonghan's will. You didn't know how he had managed it, but in the closet, there was a brand new pair of skates, your size. Jeonghan had smiled as he bent down to tie your shoelaces,

“I’m going to fall flat on my face,” you said as you grabbed the bars.

Jeonghan held your face in his hands, your eyes fixed on his.

“I won’t let you fall”

The way the words left his lips made your heart skip a beat, or maybe several of them. You could feel it on the back of your throat and you could swear that your hands shook a little as you accepted the hand Jeonghan had extended to you.

You wished it could just stop. Not for your heart to stop beating altogether but for it to stop reacting to Jeonghan. Everything changed after that first call and you weren’t too sure of where it was. He had, someway, somehow, become a pivotal point of you. His voice, his eyes. The way tingles started to run down through your body the moment his skin came in touch with yours. How, despite all odds, he made you feel safe in a way you weren’t too sure you had ever experienced before.

When he said that he wasn’t going to you fall, you believed him so you held his hands — strong enough that you were sure were hurting him but he didn't seem to mind — and allowed Jeonghan to pull you into the rink.

“Don't move your feet” he said, voice ever so sweet but with a slight hint of teasing “I know it's probably hard, but let me take control here”

Forcing out all of the remaining air inside your lungs, you did as he asked. Instead of keeping your focus on the ice under your feet, you kept them in Jeonghan's face. A mistake, of course.

His eyes were too intense if you could say that. You didn't want to understand what was happening. Perhaps for the first time since you met Jeonghan, you didn't want to understand what it could mean. You were scared. What, exactly, you weren’t sure.

“I didn’t even have to ask you to look at me,” he said and you laughed a little, automatically looking away “Keep looking at me”

The whole experience of skating for the first time, or being guided, was not being registered by your brain. All you could see, think, feel, was Jeonghan, as if he had become a central point of everything.

“I think we should stop here”

You hoped your voice was loud enough and judging by the look on Jeonghan's face, it was. The smile fell from his lips and it was as if a small light in his eyes had gone out.

You hated that you were the one causing that reaction in him, but you knew it was best to stop everything before it went too far.

"I thought that…"

“We can’t blur the lines that much” you shook your head.

You didn't know exactly who you were trying to convince, him or you. You also weren't sure you had to convince yourself of anything. It was as if your brain had split in two. One part, probably the loudest, wanted you to just let things happen. You knew you weren't doing anything wrong, you weren't doing anything much really. What you did outside of your working hours and who you did it with was your problem and no one else's.

But the other part, one that spoke softly and that should have had much less strength, said it was dangerous, but also didn't offer much reason to be dangerous.

Yet somehow, that was the side you chose to listen to.

"Why?" He asked forcing his feet to the ground, making the two of you stand in the center of the rink. “What line are we blurring?”

You shook your head, hands clinging to his waist as you felt your feet begin to slide.

“I don’t know” you whispered in response “We are working”

Jeonghan leaned forward and pressed his lips to your cheek. With a sigh, he let his forehead fall onto your shoulder and closed his eyes.

You didn't know exactly where your skepticism came from, but you were also sure it wasn't completely unfounded. But truth be told, you wanted to blur that line and any others that might appear along the way.

“Go on a date with me,” he said “If you still feel that way, there’s nothing we can do. Just don’t… don’t stop something that hasn’t even started yet”

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spiceofvy · 5 months

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Hello 🤗 can I pls request BTS headcanons where they have a crush on a non celebrity female reader who is their friend? Thank you ❤️😊

BTS - Having a crush on a friend

a/n: thank you so much for requesting! I had so much fun writing somethin sweet and fluffy like this! I hope you enjoy it too!

cws: written with a fem!reader in mind but no gendered terms used, sfw, fluffy, nothing else to tag, this is really just wholesome and cute

Seokjin: This crush will be no secret. He hits on you constantly. All the bad flirting, but he is pretty so he gets away with it. This also includes flowers, fancy food and random trips to the beach. You choose the music of course. Everyone always assumes that you are already a couple, when in reality he is still trying to get you to go out with him. And if you can't tell from all his flirting he will just give it to you directly. "Can't you tell that I've been trying to get you to go out with me?"

Yoongi: He is very much in control of his feelings, but his actions speak so loudly. He's always by your side. Whenever you come over he has your favorite food prepared for you. He gets really flustered whenever someone calls him out on it, blushing and telling them off. But he probably won't confess to you himself, someone else drops it by accident and he gives up with damage control "Yeah he's right y/n… I am in love with you"

Hoseok: This man hypes you up. You go shopping together? So many compliments. You join him in the studio? He treats you like the best dancer in the world. He also takes you with him on every vacation he gets offered. No matter if it's fashion shows or trips for music recordings, you are everywhere with him. Confessing to you will not be an active choice on his side but the end of a long ramble of his. "You know, that's why I think I love you so much. Wait…"

Namjoon: Oh he knows everything about you. But not in a creepy way. He read all your favorite books, so he can discuss them with you later. Knows your favorite artists, and has a perfect playlist for you, no matter your mood. Sends you so much art he likes, paintings, poetry, all of it. He just loves to share his life with you. There will be no confession, more you calling him out why he sent you like 6 love poems in one night "Ah… I guess it was kinda obvious…"

Jimin: You stay his cute little secret. No one gets to look at you. You are his best friend and only his. No matter how often the others ask to meet you. He will keep you for himself. So his confession is also very private. Just the two of you in his apartment, he got you takeout and your favorite playlist is playing in the background. When he takes your hand and quietly whispers to you. "I just want to tell you, that I have been in love with you for so long."

Taehyung: No but why do I think that he talks with Yeontan about you? Because he definetly does. Whenever he comes home from your place he immediately falls into a quick ramble about you, gushing about you smiling widely. So much that Yeontan probably reacts to your name and of course you are over a lot so he also gets really excited to see you. Taehyung will confess to you unintentionally "You know, I think Yeontan is also in love with you"

Jungkook: This man can not hide his crushes to save his life. It will be so obvious. Whenever he sees you he has the brightest smile, being so excited to spent time with you. He introduces you to all his friends, and if anyone ever says something wrong about you or looks at you weirdly he gets really defensive. He confesses to you with a big gesture. "What? No this is not too much! This is just enough to show how much I love you!"

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moonlightdancer26 · 5 months

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I'm an ex-marauders fan at this point, but haven't yet worked up the nerve to leave :( Wish me luck.

The marauders fandom promises acceptance and tolerance and lighthearted fun, but as soon as Severus comes up, the previously rosy atmosphere turns downright ugly. I've seen so many marauders fans posting or reblogging about how “your trauma is valid”, how “intentions don’t matter if you hurt someone”, and how “apologies don’t count if they’re coupled with an excuse”… who also go out of their way to justify the ‘prank’ because Sirius didn’t /mean/ to almost kill Snape, and how it’s really all Snape’s fault, and why can’t he get over it already since the marauders clearly became better people (even though Snape never received any kind of apology or any indication that they regretted their behavior)?

And these posts live side by side on their dash? Idk just needed to vent as i figure out where to go next in this fandom (or maybe another one altogether)...

WTF THIS ASK WAS FROM SEPTEMBER 😭😭 I’M SO SORRY I SWEAR I’VE BEEN SO EXCITED TO ANSWER YOUR ASK BUT I GOT TOO BUSY AND ALWAYS POSTPONED IT 😭

Anyway, I totally wish you luck anon. It’s hard switching fandoms and building up the courage to “move to the other side,” but I can tell you that it is 100% worth it when you realise how much the Snapedom differs from the Marauders fandom! As someone who’s been in the fandom for many years, seen what both sides are like, and has a bunch of friends (both online and irl) who don’t always share the same opinion, I can safely say that we are generally far more accepting of different opinions than the Marauders fandom. We tend to steer clear of them because they’re.. very persistent about their opinions and find it amusing to purposefully mistag their anti-Snape posts or to scroll through pro-Snape/anti-Marauders tags and attack the posters. But if you’re not like that and you can accept not always agreeing with friends or fandom members, then we’ll welcome you with open arms <3

And honestly I agree, I’ve seen Marauder stans make excellent and detailed analyses of their favourite characters and articulate their arguments greatly. But then all that reading comprehension shoots out the window when it comes to Snape, and you suddenly see them brush him off as nothing more than a “obsessed incel nazi” and call it a day. I’ve seen similar things happen with Snape fans as well, and I completely understand how you feel.

All I can say is: Just leave the Marauders fandom. Either announce it with a post and say that you no longer wish to be in the Marauders fandom or want to switch to the Snape fandom. Or if you want, you can create another blog altogether. The important thing is that you do it now and get it over with, because simply reading your ask and knowing how it’s negatively affecting you really upsets me. This ask was sent around 2 months ago, so I hope that by now you’ve done something about it, but if you haven’t, this is what I think about the whole situation. I wish you the best ❤️❤️ and if you, or anyone else who’s struggling with anything similar, want to DM me and talk about this, don’t hesitate to do so.

#anti marauders fandom #anti toxic fandoms #anti marauderfen #anti marauder stans #anti snaters #severus snape #pro snape #pro severus snape #snape #harry potter #hp #ask #asks

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bomberqueen17 · 2 months

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adderall day 1

I'm not going to have any particular deep thoughts about this, but I feel like I should write stuff down. Several people have advised that.

I still don't know how much this is going to cost me, as my insurance couldn't be verified and I'm going to have to do messy things probably to find out. But I've got the pills in my hot little hand, 16 of them, and a follow-up appointment, and perhaps by then I'll know what this is actually costing.

It seems that it varies wildly how people manage to get ADHD dx's. Many many PCPs will not diagnose it or prescribe for it. It seems extremely gatekeepy to me, and not in a helpful way. my own PCP, as I describe more and more of my struggles to get healthcare in general, is being revealed to me to be less and less of any kind of a good fit-- she just seems baffled by everything I say. She asked if I have heartburn, for example, and I said, truthfully, oh yes, if I don't eat regularly, one of the ways I realize I've gone too long is that I start to have heartburn. So I've learned to be conscientious about my eating schedule, and eat small meals and snacks at regular intervals throughout the day, and that has cleared up the problem. And this actively baffled her, she was like "i've never heard of anything like this", and I can't imagine what she thought I was saying. Does no one else in the human race ever get queasy/stomach-acidy from going too long without food? Especially eating heavily and then not eating for a long time afterward? That's the worst for me, so I avoid that. I highly doubt I am the only person ever to experience this. But she seemed convinced that I must not know what heartburn is.

That's just one example. So. If I can get my head on straight at all, I am going to start looking for a new primary care physician. I'm sure this doctor is fine, just not for me.

(She is obsessed that my fasting blood glucose levels are too high. I read an article about it, in the 2010s sometime the CDC decided that 5.7 was a new worrying number (I don't know what the units are, but 7 is what people with well-managed diabetes shoot for), and now they were going to declare this new number "pre-diabetes" and start medicating it. The WHO has refused the concept of "pre-diabetes", pointing out that about 2% of people with this number wind up developing full-blown diabetes whether medicated or not, and that's about the same number of people who develop diabetes without having had this diagnosis, so it is in fact not any kind of reliable indicator of looming diabetes, so it should be referred to as "elevated fasting blood glucose levels" and not the new fictional "pre-diabetes". But there's money in selling that medicine, so American doctors are encouraged to make this diagnosis. And my doctor has put it into my chart that she plans to start me on Metformin if this number does not go down.

I'm refusing that. Medicate me for diabetes if I develop diabetes. I can be annually screened for it just like anyone. Sure, keep an eye on it! I take this seriously. But i am not getting medicated for a condition the WHO thinks is fictional. Thanks.)

Anyway that was a digression.

I'm hoping to at least make a start on dialing in my meds with this online guy, so that when I switch PCPs I can show up with the ADHD treatment as a fait accomplit and not have the new PCP throw a fit. I might try it with the current one too-- "Idk you told me it was incredibly complicated and insurance doesn't cover it so I went to my insurance company and they sent me to this guy and it wasn't complicated at all and I'm responding super well to the treatment so I guess this is what I do now?" but I am just anticipating her throwing a fit of some kind, since she is absolutely convinced I have major depressive disorder and has been trying to get me to go back on Celexa, which did me so much no good that I cold-turkeyed off it and gave myself horrible brain zaps. Don't fucking do that guys.

(It was with this same practice! It's on there, I no-showed to an appointment because I had so little executive function I wasn't even able to keep track of it! And she's still like yah medicating u for depression is super what's going to work. ma'am i have never been suicidal but I remember being on Celexa and most of it was my shitty life situation at the time but mostly it is a gray expanse of despair and ineffectualness, and getting inexorably fatter whilst starting to develop an eating disorder about it, and getting benched by my roller derby coach despite exercising myself to constant exhaustion and performing better than I ever had on the track because she saw my spreading waistline and assumed I was slacking off, and anyway. Yeah no.)

So anyway. I'm letting myself be stream of consciousnessy because it seems right. I had a reasonable breakfast, a lot of water, some coffee, a multivitamin, and my first pill about an hour ago, and am now ensconced in the recliner with the cat because the cat insists. I have started to feel.... kind of... like my throat feels kind of dry so I'm drinking more water, and I just got a little bit not quite dizzy and am acutely aware of all my eye movements, so I guess that's notable.

OK the plan. I would like to someday be able to make to-do lists, that's a medium-term goal. Meanwhile I'm still doing narratives of how i'd like a day to go. I have fallen off that a bit; I've been trying to do not a bullet journal but a just regular day planner in this new year (i got something on clearance off amazon lol) and mostly what I've used it for is as a diary post-hoc, writing down what i got done, and making little notes of what I want to get done, because otherwise my memory wipes itself and I don't know what I did all last week either. I fell off it this week because Dude was out of town and I was off kilter. But I'm going to fill back in what I can remember-- I'm keeping track of what meals I cook, what exercise I do, things like that-- and hope to keep it up going forward.

Routine, I hope, is what will help me.

Today. It is rainy today. I didn't get some of my stuff done while Dude was gone because of course the list I made would have taken six weeks of work, that's how my lists go. But I did get a lot done, so I'm going to write all that down. And today it is rainy, so I can spend time in the basement. What I want to do is empty out all my nice baskets I use to tote craft things around, and re-fill them with more curated selections. I think one basket for like, all the sewing tools, just all of them, in one place, and then another basket that is like, all of the embroidery supplies, and then a container that is An Adequate Selection Of Thread and also machine-sewing supplies? maybe? and then Active Projects can go into a third container that may or may not travel with me. Anyway, thinking about that is a work in progress.

I need to pack for my first trip of the season to the farm. I need to put away all the supplies from painting the kitchen, because I am finally officially totally completely done with that. I need to then tidy the kitchen counter and there's a little wooden cart that used to have our coffee stuff on it and I've been using it to dump all the shit and assorted project detritus from the ongoing painting on, and I need to then move that cart somewhere once I've put away all the things on it.

That seems like a reasonable amount of things to expect to complete today. OK I need to get out from under this cat because I have to pee now. All right. She'll be fine she just wants the chair really.

Yah ok i really gotta pee and dude is in the shower so i'm going to go get dressed and dance around a little lolsob. wish me luck.

#about the author #B vs ADHD

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pinkrangersarah · 10 months

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what's even more unexpected than a season 5 announcement, is me actually getting back on my bullshit and thinking about max's parents. (yeah, i just rewatched parent's day and, yeah, i got a little teary eyed, don't fucking look at me.)

it's canon that max's parents are inattentive to him; they "don't care" about him. it's popular for people to headcanon that they are also physically abusive to him (despite no evidence supporting this in the show), and i remember a while back seeing some theories that his parents are actually foster parents. over the years i've come to dislike these theories, the former having nothing to back it up and the latter getting under my skin because of how the foster care system is in real life--broken, with children often falling into the hands of horrible people. i've come to really dislike media feeding into that reputation.

in trying to come up with my own ideas for max's parents, i started looking into marital traditions and the views of divorce in indian culture. max states in "camp cool kidz" that his parents left their home country (although i'm willing to bet the reason he gives isn't entirely true, if it's true at all), so we can assume that they were married in india. i found an article by shibani joshi, where she talks about her experience with marriage and divorce. arranged marriage is a tradition in many indian cultures and, according to joshi, india has one of the lowest divorce rates, and divorce can bring shame to families, particularly to women.

in her story, joshi makes it clear that she wanted to put her children first; that if she was really going to go through with divorce, it wouldn't be until after her youngest turned 18. she was afraid of what her family would think if she and her now ex-husband divorced. because of this, i'd be hesitant to make a similar case with max's parents; i wouldn't want to potentially smear a cultural tradition and anxieties of a group of people. with how max describes his parents, i wouldn't feel good about it (or perhaps i'm overthinking it).

however, what if his parents wanted to avoid those traditions? before i turned away from this fandom, i used to headcanon that they were young and naive (barely 20) when they had max. i could still see that being the case; perhaps neither of them wanting to go through with arranged marriages, despite that being a generational tradition in their families. consider max's parents leaving india to start over somewhere in america, similar to how joshi describes her father starting a new life in america.

this inevitably takes a turn for the worst, as they are still in those young "finding yourself" stages of life and, on top of that, are trying to settle into a new life in a new country with a baby. the marriage gets strained, and as the two parents take out their frustrations on one another, max is often ignored as a result. "i'm busy, ask your father." "i'm busy, ask your mother." communication falls apart and max is often forgotten about at school, the parents spending more time blaming each other rather than comforting their child. one parent signs him up for after school activities he isn't interested in doing because it's cheaper than hiring a sitter and neither parent is willing to compromise on their work schedules. his parents aren't involved in any aspect of his life, unless they are called in for it (parent-teacher conferences, "max was sent to the principal's office again"), because they are too focused on themselves and their own lives not meeting their expectations. eventually, max learns that negative attention is better than no attention at all. emotional neglect is still abuse, even if it isn't immediately noticeable.

i highly doubt anyone is going to read this, but to anyone who does: what are your thoughts? i'm 100% open to constructive criticism (especially if i've stepped on any toes in regards to culture and traditions, it's the very last thing i want to do) and anyone else's takes on max's parents. i definitely have other headcanons, but if i'm really hopping back onto my bullshit then i'll most likely share them another day.

#camp camp #cc max #holy shit me posting a cc headcanon post in 2023?#what a wild year this is shaping up to be

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dellinah · 2 years

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I worked at the Bronx Zoo in 1995 and there was an old man volunteering there who in the 1920s saw their live thylacine. Sad conversation with him b/c he'd always known it was a special opportunity to see it, but he couldn't describe it as anything special - what he was saying was what you would say if asked to describe the video clips. The pure experience of it cannot be transmitted. I have loved thylacines my whole life and feel cheated. We were all cheated.

Woah! Lucky you :D There are probably not that many (if any) people alive today who saw a thylacine as kids and were old enough then to remember it still, since the last one died in 1936. Pretty cool that you met someone who did and got the chance to talk to him about it! Even if he didn't find it that special, I'd say that that puts you closer to tassies than most of us will ever be in a way :P Not many people can say they saw an extinct animal alive, so I think that alone is pretty cool too. I'd have asked him to describe so many details he'd probs be annoyed, lol. I can see why some people would think they aren't special, but I do. Yes, a lot of the wonder and mistique around them comes from the fact that they are extinct, but I think they're special on their own.

Possums that looked like wolves. What's not to love?

I love that you sent this ask, actually. It warmed my thylacine-loving heart in a way :'3 have some other pictures I took in the museum as a thank you (the lighting there is terrible for pics, but hopefully you enjoy it still)

But honestly, I get you. There are things that can't be said with words, and I think experiences are one of those things. Even with the most eloquent of descriptions, I think you can never fully understand what someone else went through or felt at a certain situation. I know that if I got to see a living thylacine, I'd never be able to convey what it meant to me. Even if most people found it dumb/didn't get why it was special to me. Heck, people at the museum were probably confused as to why I was crying at a mounted animal oop

It's sad, but in a way, thylacines disappeared twice. Once when the last one passed away, and again when the last people who saw them alive passed away too. First they were gone, and lived on only as memories. Now that the memories are gone as well since those people are (most likely) gone too, we only have the ghosts - the pictures, the drawings, the videos, which shape the ideas we get of them. Like you said, you, and I, and anyone else who wishes to see them, were robbed.

All we have of the thylacine is old. A video I've seen a million times, pictures that will never move or make a sound. We were robbed of so much when it comes to them. We were robbed of their sound, of their colors, their behavior. We have nothing now. We'll never know what they sounded like, or watch them hunt, or learn more about them. Really, all we have is ghosts and other people's memories as we look at the pictures other people took.

And that will have to do.

Little story for yall: when I was at the museum, there was a little girl with her dad there too. She'd jump from one animal to another, asking him to tell her where each animal lived (as the exibitions were labeled by place of origin of the animals). They got to the tassie the same time that I did, and when she asked "where does this one live?" he read the sign and replied "It doesn't live anymore. It doesn't have a home anywhere. They're gone."

And then they walked away, and I didn't see them anymore. But man, that hit hard. I keep hearing that in my head, over and over again.

It doesn't live anymore.

It doesn't have a home anywhere.

They're gone.

That dad and little girl probably didn't think anything of it. But I'll never forget that. How thylacines once lived, once had a home.

And now, there's none.

Been thinking of incorporating those sentences into a drawing of them or smth. I know it's very r/im14andthisisdeep but let me weird about them ok they make me sad

But yeah, that's my thylacine rant for the night. Because there aren't enough of those in my blog :P Thanks again for this, as it allowed me to ramble oops. Hope you doing well!

#Thylacine #Tasmanian tiger #Tasmanian wolf #ask #anon #also if anyone feels the need to comment about how this is probs fake and I fell for it or smth #dont <3 #i know people lie on the internet but let me have this #idec if it isnt real tbh it allowed me to ramble some and also made me happy #also like. some people out there were alive in the 90's and saw thylacines as kids #the bronx zoo had several thylacines until 1919 so. yeah #anon if yoire reading this im not calling you a liar!! i believe you and im really happy you shared this!#i just had to deal with a bunch of people being rude online recently and it left me jaded #thanks again! <3 #Oslo Museum #extinct animals

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my-castles-crumbling · 2 months

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i’m not very good with words… i’m an anon that’s been here before. More than once. I didn’t mention that I was coming back or anything, but the advice you gave me was… calming. What I needed. Multiple times.

Anyway, you must get a bunch of these, but thank you

I don’t like social media and half the time I regret getting it. I mean, if you even count tumblr as social media.

It drains my trust in human kindness and if I have to explain why saying something transphobic hurts trans people one more time I swear i’m going to send hate.

And I’ve never done that (i won’t actually send hate, unfortunately I have a conscience…)

So yeah, I dunno, just thank you. Really.

Every time someone feels safe enough to be honest on your blog it adds together. And together, with the anons and the readers, you’ve saved people.

Every person who asked your help only felt able because you made them feel safe, made your blog a community, a safe space.

And even just being able to say it, even if it’s the internet, is so important. And you’re giving people that.

I don’t know if you get hate, but I imagine everyone with bigger blogs do at least a little, but I hope you remember that you’ve helped so many people.

I assume you have bad days, like everyone else, and I hope you know that you’ve clearly built a community here. That you’ll still have even if you can’t go on tumblr as often or you write something “bad” (which I highly doubt, your advice is as amazing as your microfics… so absolutely incredible), because part of having peoples back means they have yours too.

And you know, one day, when my problems don’t hurt like they do now and i’m looking back on this time of my life with mixed feelings, i’ll remember you and your advice. People will remember you, and I think that’s cool.

Sorry this was so long, I just needed to give you a meaningful thank you, you made a difference for me. And a lot of others.

So thank you. I didn’t have anyone to go to when I sent a random anon ask. And simply writing and sending it helped. Saying it helped. Reading it helped. Knowing another person read it helped. Then getting advice, knowing someone cares enough to try and help me, it meant a lot.

So thank you (again) Cas 🤗 You must put a lot of effort into this, it must be hard sometimes. Thank you.

Can I just say, I've read this twice now, right? And you literally made me cry. Like I joke a lot about fandom content making me cry and stuff like that but I actually have a hard time crying sometimes, even when I'm feeling emotional. I bottle things up a lot and it becomes a problem. But this made me cry.

I got some bad news today and I literally have just been feeling so bad about myself for the past few hours. Like, this news just kind of pushed me back in a lot of my work to love myself.

But this note made me feel so much better.

I think one of the reasons that I LIKE doing this so much is like you said- people remember when someone does something nice, especially when they're feeling down. You don't have to do a lot to help someone, just enough to remind them that they're cared about.

So, yeah. Thank YOU for doing that for me today. I really needed it.

Also I took screenshots of this. I'm saving it for when I need something to cheer me up.

#ask #asks #ask cas

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mariana-oconnor · 11 months

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Wisteria Lodge pt 1

Definitely haven't read this one before. If there's a Granada version I will have watched it, but only once about five years ago, because that's when I bought the box set and just straight up watched them all. I don't remember the name even slightly. Wisteria is very pretty, though, so I've got a feeling I'd want to live in this lodge even if it does get a bit murdery.

Suddenly he turned upon me with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “I suppose, Watson, we must look upon you as a man of letters,” said he. “How do you define the word ‘grotesque’?”

That is not what I was expecting him to say. Do you mean the adjective or the noun, Holmes?

“Strange—remarkable,” I suggested.

That's... not how I would define it either. Is that an evolution of the meaning in the last century? There's a definite meaning of ugliness or disgust these days, not just 'strange'. I'm not sure I'd call any of the cases grotesque, in fact, because it's really more a visual adjective to me than an experiential adjective. I guess The Five Orange Pips was fairly grotesque, given the subject matter involved, but even then... I assume the meaning has evolved slightly.

“Have just had most incredible and grotesque experience. May I consult you? — “Scott Eccles, “Post Office, Charing Cross.”

I know you had to pay by the word for telegrams, but that is the least descriptive telegram you could possibly have sent, Mr Eccles. Clearly you belong to the school of 'leave them asking questions'.

I'm a little confused by Watson thinking that the name Scott Eccles could have been a woman in 1892. Did Scott used to be a gender neutral name? But also, Holmes assertion that a woman would have come rather than just vague-telegramming at him makes me laugh. I feel like anyone else would have just turned up, or at the least sent a message that gave a smidge more information, y'know. Like a ballpark description, a hint of danger, or a location?

HIs name is going to give me a craving for eccles cakes, though.

“My dear Watson, you know how bored I have been since we locked up Colonel Carruthers. My mind is like a racing engine, tearing itself to pieces because it is not connected up with the work for which it was built. Life is commonplace, the papers are sterile; audacity and romance seem to have passed forever from the criminal world."

Who is Colonel Carruthers? So many colonels recently. Is colonel statistically the rank most likely to require the services of Sherlock Holmes? Although one of the colonels wasn't a colonel at all, and was also the villain of the piece, and the second colonel was the victim, so didn't really require Holmes' services so much personally.

Love Holmes waxing lyrical about how boring all the criminals are, though, and how they're just not as good anymore as the old criminals were. Woe! There is no light in the world with criminals going around being so prosaic and uninspired.

His life history was written in his heavy features and pompous manner. From his spats to his gold-rimmed spectacles he was a Conservative, a churchman, a good citizen, orthodox and conventional to the last degree.

Alas. A tory.

Quite a restrained description from Watson here, though I have only quoted some of it. He's fairly restrained apart from the 'pompous' part. The rest of it is all rather 'ymmv'. I mean, personally I see that list of descriptors and wince, I'm genuinely not sure what Watson's own intention with them is. On the one hand, Watson's very much pro-establishment in so many ways, and his classism is entrenched, though often soaked deep in patriarchal condescension that he must feel is open minded (and probably was for the time). On the other hand, his best friend is Sherlock Holmes and he clearly enjoys unconventional things. So is Watson singing Mr Eccles' praises here or is he too wincing internally?

“I have had a most singular and unpleasant experience, Mr. Holmes,” said he. “Never in my life have I been placed in such a situation. It is most improper—most outrageous. I must insist upon some explanation.” He swelled and puffed in his anger.

Given the description, I'm now expecting this to be something along the lines of 'a man with the wrong accent said hello to me'. But I'm probably being unfair. That would not be worthy of a Holmes story.

"Private detectives are a class with whom I have absolutely no sympathy, but none the less, having heard your name—”

OK, reading this sentence, I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to be feeling very charitable towards him. You don't just walk into a place to ask for someone's professional assistance and insult their occupation. Firstly, that's an idiot move, secondly, it's incredibly rude. I put the idiot bit first because honestly the stupidity of it offends me more than the rudeness. You're asking to be overcharged or sent packing. Asshole tax is alive and well.

But his narrative was nipped in the bud. There was a bustle outside, and Mrs. Hudson opened the door to usher in two robust and official-looking individuals...

Inspector Gregson does not get compared to an animal in his description! Instead he's called 'gallant'. I guess Watson likes him more than Lestrade.

OH, Scott Eccles is a two-part surname. That's why Watson thought it might be a woman. Right, Scott would have been a surname at this point in time. Everything makes sense now.

Well, not everything... but I feel like that's too much to ask of my dear friend Dr Watson.

“We wish a statement, Mr. Scott Eccles, as to the events which let up to the death last night of Mr. Aloysius Garcia, of Wisteria Lodge, near Esher.”

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN

Aloysius is a name my brain never remembers how to pronounce unless I stop and stare at it for a minute. It just doesn't look how it sounds to me, y'know. Not that that's the relevant part here. The relevant part is he's dead. So Wisteria Lodge is looking a bit murdery. I bet it's pretty, though.

“Mr. Eccles was going to tell us about it when you entered the room. I think, Watson, a brandy and soda would do him no harm."

This story brought to you once again by the healing properties of brandy. Brandy, the cure for all ills.

"He was, I understood, of Spanish descent and connected in some way with the embassy. He spoke perfect English, was pleasing in his manners, and as good-looking a man as ever I saw in my life. “In some way we struck up quite a friendship, this young fellow and I. He seemed to take a fancy to me from the first, and within two days of our meeting he came to see me at Lee. One thing led to another, and it ended in his inviting me out to spend a few days at his house, Wisteria Lodge, between Esher and Oxshott. Yesterday evening I went to Esher to fulfil this engagement."

So Mr Scott Eccles met a hot young guy and they hit it off and one thing led to another. Hmm... *eyebrow waggle* and then he was invited to stay for a few days, hmmm? And he went to fulfil this engagement... HMMM?

Likelihood of this being explicitly queer in a Victorian era short story: -1%. Likelihood that my brain will insist that these two were lovers, or at the very least flirted outrageously: 101%

My opinion of Mr Scott Eccles just went up a little bit because closeted Victorian gay is a better look than just straight up pompous Tory, but then he used the term 'half-breed' and he has sunk even lower. For two whole sentence I almost liked him.

"I remember that he remarked what a queer household it was to find in the heart of Surrey, and that I agreed with him, though it has proved a good deal queerer than I thought."

🤣

"It was an old, tumbledown building in a crazy state of disrepair."

So it's a fixer-upper... sure... I could fix it.

"I had doubts as to my wisdom in visiting a man whom I knew so slightly."

Victorian Grindr date gone wrong.

"About eleven I was glad to go to bed. Some time later Garcia looked in at my door—the room was dark at the time—and asked me if I had rung. I said that I had not. He apologized for having disturbed me so late, saying that it was nearly one o'clock."

Dude. This is no longer giving queer Victorian fling vibes, it's giving 'Mr Scott Eccles is oblivious to the fact he's on a date' vibes. Guy meets you once, invites you to his home, has a 'tête-à-tête' dinner and seems nervous. Then shows up in your room at one am asking if you rang...

Garcia wanted to get laid, Mr Scott Eccles. He's into the older, buttoned up, repressed gentleman look.

Clearly this is not the case, because Victorian literature. But my brain can see no other explanation.

Mr Scott Eccles was so busy being judgemental about the food he didn't realise he was being flirted with so hard.

"You can imagine my surprise when I found that there was no one there. I shouted in the hall. There was no answer. Then I ran from room to room. All were deserted."

Very ghost story. Once again the Gothic horror vibes. I suppose this is where the word 'grotesque' comes in. I feel like the word they were searching for was 'unsettling'. But yeah, waking up to find the house abandoned is creepy af. BUT

"My host had shown me which was his bedroom the night before, so I knocked at the door."

So before he came into your room at one am to see if you rang for him, he showed you his room... I stg, I know this can't be what it looks like from a modern perspective, but it's so very blatant, I can't even.

Honestly, at this point it reads like a ghost story where Mr Scott Eccles made a narrow escape from a ghost who wanted to fuck him, and through that somehow either steal his life force or trap him forever in the creepy ghost netherworld with him.

Obviously that's not the real answer, but you could finish this story like that and it would be a perfectly valid ending.

I will forever find it hilarious that ACD is most well known for writing stories where things seem supernatural and then his main character proves everything is mundane, while he himself was a fervent believer in all things otherworldly. Just... amuses me.

Other than the obvious 'gay ghost wants to seduce the living to spend forever in limbo with him', the only reasoning behind this I can see is similar to The Red-Headed League and The Stockbroker's Clerk: For some reason a gang of people wanted Mr Scott Eccles to be away from his home for the night, then split once they had accomplished their illicit goal. Although that doesn't solve the murder, just the weirdness. I don't think there's any way to solve the murder at this point.

#Letters from Watson #Wisteria Lodge #Sherlock Holmes #Long post #Is this the gayest story yet? y/y?

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halfmoth-halfman · 1 year

Note

You should respond to reblog comments more tbh. People are taking the time to reblog your stuff, and tell you how much they enjoyed it and not answering is kinda rude. I love your fics, and you seem nice and all, but I’ve seen your notes recently— they’re nowhere near what they used to be and you don’t get anywhere near as much interaction as other CoD writers. It’d probably help your blog a lot! Just some advice, but maybe think about it! 😘💖

this has been sitting in my inbox for a few days cause i've been debating about whether or not i want to answer this, but i'm 98% sure you're the same anon who's sent me a few other messages since they all use the same kiss emoji and are riddled with the same backhanded bullshit you're spewing here, and you've succeeded in annoying me so here's your answer before you get blocked. 😘

i do this for fun. writing is not my bread and butter, it's not how i make my money, it's not how i support myself. it is a hobby. i use some of my free time to write and post fics for my own enjoyment above all else. i don't give a fuck about how many notes, or likes, or reblogs i do or don't get. is it nice to see them and see comments from people who enjoy my stuff? absolutely. i'm incredibly thankful for anyone who takes time out of their day to read one of my fics and even more so for people who go out of their way to interact with me and my work, but i'm not going to worry myself over numbers, because that's not why i write.

also, i've been in fandom spaces for a long time and, i hate to break it to you, but more often than not fandoms tend to slow down and die after the initial hype. i posted my first CoD fic like a week or two after the game came out when it was blowing up all over social media, of course it got an unusually high amount of notes that were, honestly, a little bit overwhelming at the time. now it's been some time, and the hype for the game has died down, so people are moving on to different shows/games/etc. which means interaction is gonna slow down. it happens, and i don't intend to sit and worry over how many asks or reblogs or whatever i get compared to other blogs. that's not fair to me, the other authors, or the people interacting. i'm happy with where my blog is at, and the amount of interaction i get.

i've said this a few times already, but i work a full-time job and have other obligations outside of tumblr. i don't have a lot of free time, and have to plan ahead how i want to spend it. i try my best to respond to replies, to answer asks, and everything else when i can, but i am an adult with adult responsibilities and just don't have time to keep up with every single like and reblog i get. that doesn't mean i'm purposely ignoring anyone, or that i'm ungrateful, i just simply don't have the time to keep up with every single notification i get. if i had more time in the day, then i'd probably respond more and be more active here in general, but i don't.

i greatly appreciate every single follower i have, every person who likes, reblogs, comments, replies, sends asks, etc. while i write for myself, it's always nice seeing other people enjoying my work, i won't pretend that it isn't. it absolutely blows me away the amount of people who like my writing enough to tell me. i'm always open to people sending me stuff, and try to respond as best i can, but i feel it's unfair (and not just to me, but to other writers and creators in general) to call me rude for not responding how you think i should. and i think it's even more rude for you to come into my inbox (on anon of all things) to spam me with messages about how you think i should run my blog with condescending and backhanded asks that you want to pretend is friendly advice.

i think it would be good for you to take some time and step away from tumblr and go outside, touch some grass, climb a tree, eat some dirt, or interact with real people, and maybe try to realize that, outside of this blog, i am a person too and one who really doesn't need to deal with this shit.

Just some advice, but maybe think about it! 😘💖

#anon #moth talks #answered

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hxdrostorms · 3 months

Text

@eternalstarlights has sent: 🌸 = my roleplay petpeeve, 🌵 = a disliked canon character in my fandom,💐 = my favorite part about the fandom, 🌿 = my least favorite part about the fandom

Send me a symbol and I will tell you… [Accepting]

🌸 = my roleplay petpeeve

// Bc this has been happening across several blogs, not just here:

Reblog karma: If you have no plans of sending something back, then the least you should do is reblog them, from the source or look elsewhere in the posts' notes to reblog from.

I'm constantly going back in my prompts tag to delete old reblogs. BUT THERE ARE STILL, complete strangers who dig through it and reblog it from me. Like?????????? That has the same effect as a 'fuck you' in my DMs. It's 10x funnier, if it is one of those blogs with a long ass pinned/rules page. And they still had no qualms in doing this shit. It's not quirky, let me tell you that much.

Notice, I'm not complaining about not receiving asks whenever I reblog something. That's not an issue for me (mutuals/rp partners should only send stuff, when they genuinely feel like doing so, without any obligations). All I'm asking is to not make me feel like, I'm just a RP memes archive type of blog, that's only there to provide writing prompts & nothing else. I may not be the most active RPer, but none of my blogs are abandoned.

This has been a long running peeve I've been having to deal with, for YEARS. And it made a resurface as of lately.

🌵 = a disliked canon character in my fandom

// Hades & his spectres/Judges are overrated as fuck IMO LOL I say as a clown, bc I'm a classic golds dweeb fan. Clearly, I'm not in a position to say what is or isn't overrated.

Jokes aside. It may have been a result of the way I tried watching the classic series (by binge watching the entire thing). BUT when I got to the Hades arc, I got SO mad when I realized they brought back those drawn out battles. Like those were my least enjoyed bits of the early parts of the anime and the Sanctuary arc, meanwhile the Poseidon arc didn't have any of that (which is why I rate the Poseidon arc as my favorite one of the anime adaptation. 15 episodes with NO filler??? HELL YEAH.).

You can say I was already pretty burned, and should have slowed down with the final part of the series. But even then, I don't think that would have changed a thing about my general disinterest towards Hades' servants. Visually speaking to me, they are the messiest and most boring looking characters from the classic series (they only ever wear 1 color and look way too much like a toy, than some form of proper armor).

Rhadama.nthys is the biggest bitch in the club, to me he was the most insufferable. "He is the strongest*tm of all judges." *= only when Hades is straight up cheating and the story feels like unnecessarily drag things out. Reminder that Kanon killed him without any cloth equipped, and he went out the way HE chose to. He literally didn't even have to TRY.

My favorite part of the Hades arc was seeing Kanon wipe the floor, with everyone he crossed paths with. This feels 10x more satisfying, after reading the Destiny & Origins extra chapters.

💐 = my favorite part about the fandom

// I truly mean when I say, this is the chillest community I've been in a long time. Case in point: I haven't felt THIS artiscally inspired in YEARS. I've been doing so many works, I'm literally running an event in the main fandom. I've been brimming with inspiration to do so many things, that goes beyond the RPing aspect. And it has improved my general mental health SO much!

I'm forever thankful for getting into Sts LOL

🌿 = my least favorite part about the fandom

// If you exclusively speak English, you will suffer to find anything or anyone else from this fandom. Which isn't a problem for me at all but, I can see how frustrating or sad it must feel like, you can't get into a community due to a language barrier.

And the community itself isn't exactly the friendliest one towards gringos. Which I mean............ You can't blame us for feeling defensive, when literally every other fandom went down to shit, when things became very American-centered.

Not to start the whole Anti vs proship debate. BUT It is a fact that all antis (ppl who want to be cops/have no qualms with harrassing or policing others/etc.) I've come across are an American, who's way too enthralled in their lil bubble they call world. Then they have a breakdown bc as it turns out, the rest of the world isn't AT ALL like them. And there's genuine pushback/retaliation from the community, against these kinds of whiny bitchass mfers LOL.

Obviously, this doesn't mean the fandom is perfect nor it's an Utopia, where there isn't drama at all. BUT when compared to others, it feels a lot tamer in comparison. Unfortunately, it comes at the cost of coming off as a very closed off fandom, that's centered around overseas things for a change.

#ooc /#would you like some salt in your tea?#thank you for the ask!#eternalstarlights

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innerchorus · 11 months

Note

Gurgin for the ask game, pick and choose whatever numbers you want! It's a free-for-all! :D

I probably am gonna ask you about Shapur, Isfan, and Kubard later too because of course I am

I said I wanted to answer every question for him and I wasn't lying. Thank you for enabling me! (Ask game post is here, for anyone else who wants to send something in / reblog it themselves. I have a few others to answer already which I'll get too asap now this post is done, but feel free to send in more!).

My first impression of them

Just one of a handful of evil masked guys. Best mask design by a long way, though.

2. When I think I truly started to like them (or dislike them, if you've sent me a character I don't like)

I first got curious about him when I read about his backstory and found out about his shared past with Farangis. Honestly I'm not quite sure how I got to the point where I love him as fiercely as I do now, but I know I started shipping him with Zandeh after seeing art by @strangeshipper and it built from there. I don't know. I just find him really interesting.

3. A song that reminds me of them

I know I've mentioned You Are The Blood by Sufjan Stevens before, but also Don't Worry, We'll Be Watching You by Gotye (POV: you are being recruited by Team Zahhak).

4. How many people I ship them with

Always with Zandeh. OTP status for sure. I have considered other stuff (such as the Zandeh/Gurgin/Parizad OT3) though. And Hilmes/Gurgin in Mage Hunt AU. And if anyone wants to suggest other ships for him, I'm listening.

5. My favorite ship of them

Zandeh/Gurgin, obvious answer is obvious.

6. My least favorite ship of them

I don't know whether anyone actually ships it but Gurgin/the Master.

I won't lie, it's crossed my mind, but my headcanon is primarily that although the Master was once interested in stuff like that he's been alive for so long that he doesn't really have those sorts of urges any more (overlaps a bit with my thoughts on how the type of magic that Team Zahhak use might affect sexual desire, I don't think I've directly mentioned that before but the basic concept is that it can warp it from its baseline just as it warps their bodies, and results vary from person to person, but it's quite common for it to be either dulled or switched off completely and kind of goes hand in hand with the headcanon that their magic renders them sterile).

Gurgin in Sacrifice AU falls into that category, he doesn't completely lack interest but his focus is dominated by his work for Team Zahhak and by the time the AU picks up his story afterwards he's also underweight and depressed so his sex drive is basically 0. And then he meets Zandeh, and gets better, and realises what it's like to want someone so badly you can't think of anything else, lmao

(My headcanons for Gurgin vary a bit in this respect depending on the AU, though. There's probably an AU out there where his desire never returns or he never had any in the first place but even in that case I still see him and Zandeh as life partners and feel they'd work it out somehow.)

7. A quote of them that you remember

What he says when he's rallying his comrades at the end of Book 7 after their Master is (temporarily...) killed: "Let those who do not respect the Snake King Zahhak boast of their victory! Three years, just three years is enough. At that time, they will fall from the peak of joy to the bottom of the valley of despair. The higher they climb, the further they fall!"

It's primarily the last line that sticks in my mind. If I ever make the Gurgin playlist that I daydream about so often, I'd definitely title it 'The Further They Fall'. Anyway, that's actually the last line of dialogue from the final scene of Book 7 (the last book before the timeskip). A very ominous way for it to end, right?

8. Your favorite outfit of them

He has One Outfit. (He would've worn something different when he was a trainee priest, but there's no description of it. A manga flashback to that time feels much less likely now, but you never know, maybe Arakawa will decide to reveal a little of Farangis's backstory before the end… my one hope…)

9. Your least favorite outfit of them

One Outfit, and I love it so no complaints. But I wish Arakawa had planned to adapt the second half so I could see him getting drenched by the rain in Soleimaniye.

10. Describe the character in one sentence

My blorbo who did lots of things wrong.

11. What’s the first thing you think about when thinking about the character?

Huh, this question made me realise that in the mental picture of Gurgin that first pops up when I think of him, he's not wearing his mask. His hood is up, though, and he's in Team Zahhak black. Maybe it's because I've been thinking about the Magical Healing AU more recently, where his appearance is often like this.

12. Sexuality hc!

He doesn't waste much time thinking about it, but he's mainly into men. However, I do headcanon that he had a crush on Farangis when he was young.

13. Your favorite friendship they have

This question makes me sad because I don't see him as someone who's ever had many friends. I don't think his peers at the temple liked him that much (though honestly I think he probably felt quite indifferent about this). There were a handful of other trainees he spent time with, but his closest friends were probably his brother and Farangis. There's certainly no real evidence of friendship between any of the Team Zahhak disciples.

He deserves more than having one-sided conversations with winged apes! Was that mainly for exposition purposes in canon? Perhaps, but it's also a result of a lack of human contact — the novel makes it clear that the mages feel loneliness as their numbers dwindle, and at that point Gurgin is operating alone and hasn't heard from his remaining comrades for a while.

(He absolutely does talk to Hamkar from time to time in Sacrifice AU before Zandeh arrives on the scene, too.)

14. Best storyline they had

Is there anything about his canon trajectory that I really wanna label 'best' lmao? I mean, I wish things had turned out different for him but I do find his loss of faith / corruption arc interesting. Though that's because I also love to think about a future for him where that all gets reversed.

15. Worst storyline they had

His involvement with what went down in Oxus, probably. Oof.

16. A childhood headcanon

You know, I haven't spent much time thinking about what his childhood was like (aside from Mage Hunt AU specifics that differ from whatever a general /baseline headcanon would be). I guess the only thing I feel certain of is that he and his brother had no other siblings, and whatever region they grew up in didn't have much to offer in terms of creating a better life for themselves, and that's why they ended up at the Temple of Mithra in Khuzestan. (Tentative headcanon is that he grew up in / near the Nimruz mountains.)

Aghriras entered the priesthood because of ambition, and that reasoning makes sense for Gurgin, too (they're azat, freeborn commoners aka the lowest social class above slaves, and if they want to climb above the few opportunities that affords to them then it's either joining the priesthood or proving their merit on the battlefield) but I do think that to a certain extent Gurgin followed his brother.

lmao I can feel a backstory headcanon forming even as I type this.. like, what if their father died or left them when they were young (Gurgin probably doesn't remember him much) and they were raised by their mother, who wanted them to have a better life than she had? She wouldn't have wanted them to face the horrors of war, so she encouraged them to work hard on their education so that they could find their place in the priesthood. Perhaps she, too, had passed away by the time they left for the temple, so at that point they only had each other. I feel like Gurgin didn't have any close family after his brother died.

Oh no Gurgin, are you desperate for recognition from your Master because you never had a father figure? Fuck.

17. What do you think their first word was?

Eh, probably some variation of 'brother' or 'mother' (with the headcanon above). I feel like most first words are… not that interesting.

18. How do you think they were as a kid? (Like, were they shy, noisy, wild, etc)

Curious and intelligent! Asked a lot of questions. Easily frustrated when things didn't go his way. I imagine at school he had trouble making friends as he both sought approval from his teachers and thought himself superior to others who were not as clever as him, plus he could be impatient with others. (He was, in general, a bit better about all of this at the time he joined the priesthood, but when he's with Team Zahhak all those negative traits are brought to the fore.)

19. The most random ship you've seen people have with them

Well, I'm not sure this really counts but sometimes I'll ask my boyfriend really weird ArSen questions out of the blue, and recently I asked him "give me a Gurgin ship" and usually when it's something like that he'll try and pick something at random that he thinks I won't like… He said Gurgin/Farangis.

(No, he didn't remember that they knew each other. And I can't think of a way this would work but it sure gave me a whirlwind of feelings to think about. The thought of something happening between them because of shared grief, years after they last saw each other? It's so angsty and messy. If something did happen I think Gurgin would feel immensely guilty for it, but I'm not sure about Farangis. I feel like she might be able to compartmentalise it as something that happened that shouldn't have done, and move on. She'd handle it better than Gurgin, at any rate.)

Wait, my Hilmes/Gurgin ship is pretty random I suppose? Think of that as an alternate answer. Zandeh/Gurgin probably qualifies too given that they don't ever meet in canon, but I can't see it that way now, not after spending so much time thinking about them together.

I've also had very vague thoughts of yeeting Gurgin back into the past, but would I ship him with anyone in that circumstance? Eh, not sure.

20. A weird headcanon

I'm sure I have many! The 'he likes hot baths' headcanon is a pretty random one that came from 1. reading that the real Mount Damavand has some pretty nice hot springs near it (which in ArSen verse are probably disgusting bubbling sulphurous poison mud pits but whatever), and 2. the fact that he probably had a bad time during the flooding of the Dark Temple and it amuses me to imagine him enjoying water in a different context? I just want to let him relax from time to time? He works hard, he deserves it.

I want to write a bath scene for him in Interlude (Magical Healing AU). Or I keep thinking about a comedy scene of him at one of Ecbatana's bath houses with a gaggle of bird-faced beasts for company, because it amuses me.

Here's another headcanon: he's pretty bad at archery. It was taught at the temple, but it didn't interest him much and he wasn't that motivated to work on his skills, even though Farangis tried to instruct him. As far as weapons go, later on he uses a Team Zahhak-typical knife, which he wears strapped to a thigh like Farangis. (He still has it in Sacrifice AU! Chekhov's Snake Knife lmao.)

21. When do you think they were at their happiest?

When he was at the temple with Farangis and his brother, before things went wrong. Other than that, he was pretty fucking ecstatic in Book 16 when the Master said that he would be his successor (disregarding the fact that it's because there is literally nobody else left at that point lmao). I'm not sure I believe the Master was ever planning on stepping aside, but whatever.

22. When do you think they were at their lowest?

After his brother's death.

23. Future headcanon

The whole of Sacrifice AU, I guess. Just anything where he makes it out of Team Zahhak and tries to lead a different life.

24. What do you think is a secret they have that they never told anyone?

I love this question. I wouldn't necessarily know the answer for every character but I do have a headcanon for this for Gurgin, and that is that no matter how vehemently he protested his brother's innocence, a small part of him wondered whether Aghriras really had done it. I don't think he'd ever admit that to anyone (except perhaps to Zandeh in Mage Hunt AU, where Gurgin's backstory adjustment gives him very good reason to hope that Aghriras had killed that particular person). The fact that Aghriras's innocence was later proven only makes it much worse.

25. When do you think they acted the most ooc

I don't think any of his canon scenes are OOC? Is that what this question is asking? I may not like what he does, but none of it feels unbelievable.

26. When do you think they were being "themselves" the most?

Maybe I'm picking this just because it's before he went down a dark path, but I think the conversations he used to have with his brother back when they were at the temple are pretty typical of his true self. The little flashback conversation we get in particular gives the impression of someone who's curious about stuff he maybe shouldn't be, and is attracted to power, but it also shows that he was willing to listen to his brother's guidance. I don't think he'd have ended up with Team Zahhak if his brother had lived.

Otherwise, his Book 16 decisions that get him killed are unfortunately also peak Gurgin, at least in his Team Zahhak era.

27. If they could meet a character from another show/movie/etc, who would be the most fun for them to meet?

Either (or both) of the Devil Forgemasters from Castlevania, 100%.

28. The most unnecessary thing they ever did?

Killing the dog at the temple. Or lashing out and cutting off the hind legs of a winged ape (a creature that is on his side, and under his command!) when his plans started to go wrong in Book 13.

29. How do you think they would be as a parent? (and if they are a parent, how do you think they would be if they weren't?)

Honestly, not great but not as bad as he might think. But it's not something he wants. Thoughts of having a family aren't really on his mind (except for AU instances where he's worried it's something Zandeh might want that he won't be able to provide).

30. The funniest scene they had?

Okay, Gurgin's not actually present in this scene but it's hilarious to me so I'm choosing it: after the winged ape attack on Soleimaniye in Book 13 was thwarted, Kubard and Narsus are discussing what happened. They don't know that Gurgin was the one in charge, but Narsus's opinion is that it couldn't have been Ilterish (the usual commander of the demon army) because Ilterish would've done a better job, lmao. Sorry Gurgin but your inexperience is showing.

Anyway, that's the end of the questions! Not sure how many people are interested enough in Gurgin to make it this far, but like... if anyone does want to talk about Gurgin with me... my inbox is always open...

#arslan senki #the heroic legend of arslan #gurgin #if farangis can have a sexy thigh knife then so can he #this post took me ages to write #i went on... so many tangents...#the irresistable urge to keep talking about my blorbo

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asnowfern · 1 year

Text

The Writing's On The Wall - Chapter 3

Summary: She's a demon, he's a hunter. Their fates intertwined after a chance encounter. Can Nesta and Cassian overcome all odds to be together? Ancient Chinese wuxia AU setting/Inspired by the Legend of the White Snake. Read: AO3 | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Cassian was gone by the time Nesta got to the house the next day with Gwyn in tow. Despite the hours that passed, her fingers still tingled. She flexed them out of reflex, drawing Gwyn's attention.

"That's the third time you've done that in the past fifteen minutes," she informed her. Gwyn's eyes narrowed as she asked innocently, "Anything wrong with them?"

Nesta resisted the urge to scowl, "Nothing. Just poor circulation." She shook her hands out in emphasis, returning an innocent look of her own. Demons don't get poor circulation of course but she knew she wouldn't get called out with Emerie there.

Gwyn did not deign to look annoyed and sported a mischievous smirk instead. "So Emerie," she began casually, "Have you known Cassian long?"

"We grew up in the same village," Emerie answered, looking up from the scroll she was grading, "Why?"

"Oh, just wondering how many stories you could tell us about him."

Emerie's lips twitched, "Oh, so many," she said loftily, "But I think you're only interested in one type."

Nesta interjected at the same time as Gwyn.

"How did the both of you end up here?"/"Why isn't he married?"

Emerie turned back down to the scrolls, "Our tribe is your typical warrior tribe. Misogynistic and superficial to a fault. Cassian," she paused, considering her words carefully, "Cassian was of unknown heritage who proved himself to be easily our strongest fighter. They took advantage of that but never appreciated him so he jumped the first chance he got. I didn't know he was here until I moved here myself."

It did not escape Nesta that the backstory did not include why Emerie herself left. Nesta's thoughts drifted to the slight limp that Emerie had and the intricately designed cane that she used, and remained silent. Everyone had their own inner demons and stories, and she would respect Emerie's right to her own.

"It is a bit hard to marry when he basically adopted all the children orphaned by battlefields," Emerie continued, her tone now turned light and playful, "But a man walking with that type of swagger? You should hear the salacious gossip the housewives share."

"Nesta can tell us firsthand soon, I suppose," Gwyn added, her voice lilting and teasing.

Emerie continued, pointedly ignoring her glare as she nodded sagely, "I've never seen Cassian like that with anyone else."

Nesta felt her hackles raised and said hastily, "I'm just different from your normal girl. That's all. It doesn't mean anything."

She's a demon, he's a human. Of course she was unlike any other girl he had seen. It meant that he must be cautious and keep a closer eye. How could there be anything else to it?

Emerie snuck a glance at Nesta and Gwyn, snorting softly to herself, "Yeah, just a normal girl."

***

Nesta looked apprehensively out of the house, at the forest and lake surrounding the house dimly lit by the moonlight, a picture of serenity. The past few nights passed uneventfully - no demons, no threats. But the energy charging through the air tonight seemed to promise to change. Nesta's skin prickled, raising goosebumps. Her hand drifted to her chest, closing over where the azure pendant laid underneath her hanfu. She exhaled slowly, letting the feel of the stone pressed against her skin settle her.

Gwyn joined wordlessly by her side, her brows furrowed with concern, “The yin energy levels are unusually high tonight.” She paused and subtly sent a pulse outwards to scope the environment.

“There isn't anything out there," she frowned, "But I think I’ll spend the night here tonight too, just in case.”

Nesta sent a warm, appreciative look to her friend and dipped her chin in thanks, receiving a shoulder bump and a smile in return.

"Me too." Emerie said from behind, the delicate cane she used clattered against the ground as she joined them by the doorway.

Nesta and Gwyn shared a quick glance. Gwyn’s gaze was questioning. It’s your call, it said. If things went south, they risked exposing themselves to Emerie. They were trusting her.

Nesta nodded briskly, "We can take turns watching outside the children's rooms once they're asleep."

***

A strong energy surged through the house, jolting Nesta awake, a cold panic crept into her veins. She shot up and saw Emerie doing the same next to her.

“Gwyn” They said simultaneously before dashing out of the room.

Nesta rushed over to Gwyn who was sprawled outside the children’s room, unconscious. She shook Gwyn urgently, “Gwyn!”

“Nesta.” Emerie called out, her face pale in horror, “The children. They’re gone.”

Nesta swore, turning her attention back to Gwyn, shaking her once more, “C’mon, Gwyn. Wake up!”

Gwyn stirred before her eyes snapped out, crying out, “The children!” Her eyes darted wildly, from Nesta then to Emerie at the door.

“They’re gone.” Gwyn closed her eyes, evidently pained by the news.

“What happened?” Nesta asked, her tone urgent but non-accusatory.

“Nothing,” frown lines marred her features as she struggled to recall her memories, “I checked to make sure they were all asleep. Then, there was a flash.” Her eyes turned glassy, “In the courtyard. When I turned to look, another flash knocked me out.” She shook her head in dismay.

“Briallyn,” Nesta said decisively, “Something must have happened with Cassian to make her act out, take the kids as hostage.”

“Then we just need to get them back,” Emerie declared, stepping forward, “To do that, let’s get the elephant out of the way. I know both of you are demons so we can skip the parts where you skirt around your powers.”

She gave an unimpressed look at their surprised expressions, raising an arched brow as she said, “I’m from a village of warriors and hunters. Your auras are dead giveaways.”

“Okay,” Gwyn bobbed her head, “So no more hiding of powers.” She raised her hands, rustling the leaves around them and shot multiple ribbons of white light out, scouring the skies. “Nesta?”

Nesta was already at the centre of the room, kneeling down by one of the beds. She skirted a hand over the sheets, tracing and identifying the magic that had whisked them away. “The energy is concentrated around the pillow area where Briallyn would use to influence them and seize control.”

“To control them and move them through a portal?” Emerie guessed. “They couldn’t have left the building without us seeing.”

Gwyn smiled in satisfaction, her hands glowing in the same soft white light, “And I know just where the portal led to. It’s in the caves behind the forest. Let’s go.”

Nesta gave the emptied room a last look, the press of the azure pendant hard and unforgiving against her chest. She sent a pulse of qi through the stone, feeling its prompt returning answer rumbled straight into her heart. I’m coming. Her jaw clicked, “Let’s go.”

***

Nesta’s arms strained from Clare’s weight, the excruciating burn in her back multiplied with every step. Damned hunters and their holy arrows.

“Stop, Nesta,” Clare pleaded weakly.

“I’m not abandoning you.” Nesta grounded out, gritting her teeth with exertion.

“Why?” The question came out cold and cruel, so unlike Clare.

Nesta stopped in her tracks, the blood in her veins frozen. When she looked down, Clare’s eyes were empty and glassy, “You’ve already failed me.”

Her throat filled with pennies. Nesta swallowed audibly, whispering, “No… I didn’t know.”

Clare cackled, the sound so wicked it felt like a firm grip tightening painfully around her heart, “You knew deep down the type of person he was and you did nothing.” Tears of blood streaked her face as she continued, “You killed me.”

Nesta stumbled, falling to her hands and knees, dropping Clare to the ground. The damning words echoed in her head. You killed me.

“And now,” her former friend decreed before vanishing into smoke, “it’s your turn.”

She cried out as a hexagonal golden light caged in on her. A familiar chant lighting every nerve of her entire body in agony. “Tomas, you bastard!” she cursed.

“Not quite, sweetheart.”

Nesta’s heart stopped. No.

His face held none of the warmth Nesta was used to. His handsome features twisted cruelly as he stalked towards her, the steps slow and deliberate. He unsheathed his sword, the ruby gem affixed to the pommel flared menacingly. He stopped just outside the cage, looking down at her coldly, “Demon.”

Nesta couldn’t move as the sword brandished downwards. Everything hurts. She choked out a sob, closing her eyes as she braced herself for the blow, her hand unconsciously moved to her chest, closing in on a familiar pendant.

It pulsed, warm and grounding.

Come to the house at the southern tip of the West Lake. You will always have a friend there

I’ll come running. No matter what.

I’m coming back home, Nesta.

Nesta whipped her head up, whispering just as the sword struck her deep into her shoulder, “This is not real.”

Her surroundings melted away in a haze of silver flames, hazel eyes were the last to fade. Nesta exhaled shakily, she made to move her hand to the wound in her shoulder, where deep crimson was spreading through her white robe, only to find her movements trapped. Her cuffed wrists chained to walls on each side, forcing her on her knees.

“Really, a human?” A gravelly old voice sneered at her. “A hunter, no less. How you’ve gone soft, White Snake.”

Nesta almost gasped. Gone was the regal beauty of Briallyn. Her once thick, glossy black hair was grey and wiry, and her plump skin replaced with wrinkles and spots. Only her dark eyes remained as bright as the three spiked golden crown which sat on her head.

“Briallyn,” Nesta spat, the fog in her mind retreating. Her lips formed a taunting smirk, “At least I haven’t shrivelled up like a raisin.”

Briallyn nearly snarled at her. Nesta scanned her opponent, quickly noting the lowered qi levels and remnant injuries which were not healing. A familiar aura lingered and sparked vindication within her.

“Yes…” The mind demon rasped, her fingers gingerly running down her face, “Courtesy of your hunter. Rest assured, he will regret it." A vicious smile spread over the aged face, "In fact, you can come out now."

Cassian walked out, an unsettling mirror of the illusion Briallyn put her under - unsheathed sword in hand, his armour glimmered with the shine of blood as his face twisted with rage. Despite knowing that the rage was not directed at her, Nesta felt the same strangulating grip closing on her heart, chilling the blood in her veins.

He eyed them carefully and said coldly, "You were quick to abandon your cronies with me. They're dead now."

"You see, Nesta," Briallyn crooned, "The carnage your Lord of Bloodshed leaves in his trail."

Cassian fumed, "Release her!"

"I'm afraid," the demon crowed, her eyes gleaming, "You're in no position to give demands today."

She pulled out an inky black strand of hair from her pocket, vanishing it with a flash of her crown. Nesta's warning died in her mouth before she could even get a word out. Cassian's bright hazel eyes dulled into murky brown. Glassy and empty. His limbs went dead and his sword hung flatly by his side.

"Kill her," she commanded, "slowly." Her smirk widened as Cassian walked towards Nesta.

Nesta hissed as the sword slashed her side, drawing blood. The physical pain was dwarfed by the emotional pain she knew it would bring Cassian, to the man that she knew was still trapped inside.

“Cassian,” she breathed as his next movement sliced her thigh. The sword trembled in his hands at the sound of her voice, “I know you’re fighting it.”

“You disgust me.” Briallyn laughed shrilly, the sound echoed through the walls and grated on Nesta. “A demon showing mercy when you could easily incinerate him on the spot.”

Nesta ignored her even as her arm was split open, saying firmly, “Look at me.” She sent pulses of qi through the pendant, “You can fight this.”

The fog cleared up, replaced by anguish in the swirl of gold and brown. “Nesta,” he pleaded with horror as his hand unwittingly brought down a matching wound on her other shoulder, “Kill me.”

“No.” She said firmly, sending more qi through the pendant, “ You fight this.”

The sword quivered in mid-air before coming down on her shakily, the slice a tad shallower than the rest.

"That's enough," the mind demon said, waving her hands impatiently, "Last chance, White Snake."

"Kill."

Nesta focused her clear silver eyes on Cassian's hazel, willing them to express what she cannot say. That no matter what happens, she forgives him.

The pendant glowed hot against her chest.

"Nesta," he grounds out in effort, his sword sheathed back into his belt in favour of a dagger. "I'm sorry."

The regretful tone of his apology left her reeling. She tore away her gaze on his face, quickly darting downwards to the blade he held in his palm. A blade which was now driving towards his own heart.

The room exploded in silver flames.

A large warm frame covered hers, shielding her from the impact as Briallyn screamed in rage and agony behind them. The sound echoed in her ears until it faded and the chains which held her loosened. Leaving them surrounded by dust and ashes.

She pushed herself out of his hold. Bile coated her throat as she took in his appearance, at the burn marks which peeled his body.

"Cassian" the name slipped out, panicked and concerned.

"Worried about me, Nes?" he asked with a smile although his eyes revealed the pain he was in.

Nesta huffed, the unbearable weight pressing down on her lightened slightly, "You ridiculous buffoon." Her hand drifted to the back of his neck and beckoned his forehead to hers. Their breaths calmed down to mingle with each other.

"The kids?" She asked softly.

"Emerie and your friend got them out."

All strength left her body as she slouched into his hold in relief.

"How did you know the pendant would react?" she asked a moment later.

"I didn't," he admitted, his voice quivering along with the hands that were clutching on to her desperately, "I just couldn't accept the alternative. Besides, I knew that with me gone, there will be nothing left in your way."

"Not like that," she confessed, swallowing the lump in her throat as her heart felt the phantom pain at the prospect. She swept the stray strands of hair away and gently traced his eyebrows, "That wouldn't be much of a victory."

She stood unsteadily, hauling the hunter up with her. He swayed and groaned as the burned skin pulled and contracted with the movement. "We need to go."

She dug deep within herself to summon the qi, holding it just beneath her skin, "Hold on to me." She told him before transforming into her snake form, laughing to herself as he yelped and grabbed on to her ivory scales.

She leapt out of the window. The world passed in a blur as she sped through the air at an impossible pace. Above her, she heard Cassian's breathy exhilarated laugh.

She shot past her home to land them in the cavern behind the waterfall and transformed back into her glamoured form. She breathed heavily at the effort as Cassian gently cupped her face, "You never need to cover yourself up with me."

His gaze trailed from her face to her shoulders and down to her arms and sides. His expression turned sorrowful as he took in the sight of the dozen of wounds he inflicted on her, "I'm so sorry, Nesta."

"That wasn't you," she reminded him firmly, raising her hand to mirror his gesture, her thumb lightly caressing his cheek. "So don't apologise for it. There is a healing pool here. Just rest and heal for tonight."

"Stay with me?" He whispered, their faces now impossibly close. I just need to know that you are alright.

Nesta found herself lost in the dancing swirl of gold, brown and green. Her entire being still in anticipation as Cassian leaned in, gently pressing his lips to hers. A light pressure keeping the kiss sweet and comforting. Nesta's heart floated to the clouds as she kissed back, very lightly tugging on his bottom lip before he broke the kiss.

"Stay with me." He repeated, pressing her forehead to his.

Translation Notes: hanfu/ 汉服 - Traditional clothes worn by Han Chinese

"Okay."

#nessian #nesta x cassian #Legend of White Snake Inspired #xianxia AU #acotar fic #nessian fic #acotar

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