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#and i try to be independent like they always say but wont allow me to do anything
martyrbat · 9 months
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sorry but im still just thinking about how batman 105 (aka the comic where bruce gets his tits out and asks khoa to stay) begins with them having a sloppy breakup in the rain and khoa offering bruce to travel and save the world together, they'll live lavishly and gather resources. and then MAYBE they can tackle gotham together. hes trying to convince bruce to stay and that hes going to get himself killed because of his stupid bleeding heart and how he blames himself for every loss. that together they can conquer so much more. and bruce responds by calling him broken and telling him he's angry that bruce is always going to care about the people he saves. he's still determined to go, still choosing gotham over his best (and only) friend.
but he tells him this as theyre in the rain and khoa is still trying to convince bruce to change his mind despite the plane being there and knowing that bruce wont. bruce is one of the only people thats seen his face and knows his name, the only person that truly knows him—yet all those years they spent together still isn't as important as that vow bruce took as a mourning 8 year old boy. so he demands for bruce to never say his name again—he doesn't get that right or the one to see his face ever again. and bruce still doesnt change his mind, leaving khoa behind without so much as a glance behind him.
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while batman annual 2021 is khoa bragging about his greatest feat—taking down madame midas, the woman who laughed as his mother was killed and as her father strong-armed his father's independent business. he doesn't tell bruce this but it still ends with bruce pointing out there has to be a reason he cared and spent so long on it. khoa denies it, of course, repeating back what he tells himself constantly. he doesnt care about anything (and, by extension, about anyone). but the comic literally just showed us, the reader, between those two pages that this isnt true! he had a personal motive, he recired back the words she told him all those years again! but after khoa says he doesnt care about anything is the first time on panel that bruce calls him khoa again (as far as i remember :p)
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but then khoa is suddenly changing the topic!! not allowing bruce to continue, not even acknowledging the name or all the years it nust have been between the last time someone called him that—the last time BRUCE called him that. and its only after the accusation of khoa caring like how he does—of khoa not being ‘broken’ like how he said the last time he attempted to use that name!! AND that this is their last chronical interaction (on panel) before khoa is the one leaving bruce behind to train bao...
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im sure bruce used it off panel before this (and it was probably during sloppy old man sex) but this being it on paper has been making me go >:3c!!!!
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battleangel · 6 months
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The End of Weird Anime
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What happens to 80s & 90s anime that arent streaming right now when VHS & DVD completely go away?
The obsession with micro everything, everythings a sound bite, everything is 5 to 7 seconds, even songs, the chorus IS the song now, noone else ever hears anything else.
Only sports, reality TV and competition games can be watched week to week in real time.
All TV series now have to be immediately binged and consumed.
Its essentially bulimia.
Binge Loki in a weekend. Binge Ahsoka in a weekend. Its already done.
Whats next.
What else can I feed the machine with.
No waiting week to week. No such thing as a cliffhanger. No anticipation. No guessing whats next. No watching together as an audience.
Everything segmented, everything bifurcated, nothing in real time, nothing communal.
No season finale, no season premiere.
Same with anime.
Its not VHS or DVD anymore.
Youre not waiting for a release.
Its crunchyroll and Netflix and Funimation and Hulu and streaming.
Its the entire season of Psycho Pass all at once whenever I want to binge and gorge myself.
No asking to be taken to the mall.
No driving to Suncoast Video.
No deciding which $30 VHS or DVD to ask to be bought.
Martian Successor Nadesico or Ayashi no Ceres?
Everything is accessible.
Its less for 3 months of streaming anime than 1 anime used to cost on VHS or DVD.
No downside, if it sucks, move on.
Its not even the old school illegal Crunchyroll which was essentially Limewire for anime where you could illegally download different series.
I didnt waste time downloading for hours on my brothers computer for a shitty anime.
I didnt risk getting a virus on my brothers computer.
I dont have to clear up space.
I dont have to waste time.
I dont have to spend money.
I dont have to risk anything.
I dont have to exert any effort.
Its just, on to the next.
What does the algorithm say a Demon Slayer fan should watch next?
What should I watch now that Attack on Titan is over per the almighty algorithm?
No Viz anime catalogue to pore through.
No RightStuf catalog to highlight and fold the corners of the pages of.
No Animerica to read through every month once it arrives in the mail.
No going through AOL message boards and anime ezboards and geocities and angelfire websites to try to determine what to watch next.
No asking to be taken to your local Blockbuster to check the newest anime rentals in the "Independent/Foreign" section.
Just scroll, select, click and move on.
No need to even download and delete.
Its all streamable, instantly consumed, immediately binged then thats it.
On to the next algorithmic recommendation.
The algorithm never ends.
It always has another suggestion for you.
No meticulously going through myanimelist.com, putting up the hundreds of anime youve watched so far then scouring everyone elses lists to get ideas for new anime to watch.
Whats next after Vision of Escaflowne?
What should I watch after Yuu Yuu Hakusho?
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If I can get a ride to the flea market on 18, I wonder what else they'll have similar to Dangaioh & Orguss 02?
To Macross Plus?
I wonder if Sci-Fi Channels Anime Week Festival will show something similr to Iria Zeiram or Armitage III this year.
Ninja Scroll was amazing, I wish I could see Wicked City since its by the same director, Yoshiaki Kawajiri. But I know I wont be allowed to. I had to sneak watch Ninja Scroll at my friends house and her older brother had bought it and thats the only way I even got to see Ninja Scroll at 13.
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Everyone talks about Sailor Moon but noone talks about Bubblegum Crisis 2032.
Why not? The Knight Sabers are cooler than the Sailor Scouts and Ill take a cool motorcyle riding ass kicking punk rock singer like Priscilla Asagiri over a whiny, annoying, immature Serena any day. I dont care that shes 14 like me. Shes freaking annoying and a crybaby.
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I wonder what other anime are like 8 Man After. It was so hard-boiled and dystopian and futuristic.
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What happens to 80s & 90s anime that arent streaming right now when VHS & DVD completely go away?
When laptops and videogame systems are discless?
Then what?
What happens when Crunchyroll, Netflix and Hulu dont want to pay to license some amazing anime that are hidden gems?
In 25 years, when very few VCRS and DVD players and video game systems and laptops that can play VHS tapes and discs are still in circulation and functioning, then what happens?
What their plan has been this whole time: we will only have access to watch what the streaming companies CHOOSE to pay the license for to stream.
We will lose everything else.
We'll lose Cybernetics Guardian, Genocyber, Twilight of the Dark Master, Robot Carnival, Vision of Escaflowne, Iria Zeiram, Armitage III, Saber Marionette J, Martian Successor Nadesico, 8 Man After, Lensman, Demon City Shinjuku, Fancy Lala, Tekknoman, Full Metal Panic...
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Only the biggest hits, the most iconic series, the most controversial OVAs and movies will survive in the brand new streaming world devoid of any physical VHSs and DVDs.
Only the Akiras, Neon Genesis Evangelions, Urotsuki Dojis, Berserks, Gantzs, Sailor Moons, Dragon Ball Zs, Pokemons, Gundams, Bleaches, Narutos and Spirited Aways will survive to be streamed.
What about the Serial Experiments Lain?
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What about the Nausicaa of the Valley Winds?
What about the Angel Sanctuarys?
What about the Please Save My Earths?
What about the Here is Greenwoods?
Will they be lost forever?
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softxsuki · 2 years
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Announcement: Hiatus :(
I hate to do this. I really really hate to do this especially since I received a new urgent requests today and I’m also in the middle of a match up event. But I’ve tried to hold on this past week and I feel like I’m just getting worse every day.
Here’s what’s going on: My mother is mentally abusing me. She has been since I was a child. I’ve gotten used to it as I’ve grown, but the more independent I become, the more she disrespects me and tries to walk all over me. Today was my breaking point… i worked on Friday and Saturday, had a good time at six flags (an amusement park) with my friends on Sunday. On Saturday my mom complained to me in the morning about me not doing my part around the house and just throwing me down with her words. I was so upset that morning that I almost hit another car while backing out of my driveway. It was scary. I cried the whole way to work.
Now come today (I worked today and I’ll be working everyday till Friday with only one day off on Saturday and then I’m back to work for another 2 days) and I got home around 7pm. I ate, rested for a bit bc my feet hurtttttt from being on them all day and also from all the walking I did yesterday. Anyway since I’ve been so busy at work I’ve haven’t had a chance to wash my clothes so my laundry basket is completely full. Around 8pm I put in my first load of clothes. It washes, then I put it to dry. I throw my second load in and get back to trying to write.
My mom comes home and already she’s in a bad mood. She wants to wash her work clothes so she stops the washing machine (my clothes still have 30 min left) and starts taking my dripping wet clothes out of the washing machine. I start getting upset bc ???? Hello??? What are you doing??? And I tell her to stop and that I’ll put her clothes to wash and to dry once mine finish. But she WONT have that. She starts throwing my clothes on the floor so I try and push her away to get her to stop, but she’s being persistent. I was fuming at this point and so I just walked away bc I didn’t want to do something I’d regret. I start screaming at her and run up to my room. My dad comes to comfort me bc I’m just feeling horrible.
I’m religious y’know so my mom sends me a text later saying this. “The Bible says to honor your mother and father so that your days will be long. Ask God for forgiveness”… like girl the Bible also says to not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Trying to make herself a victim and trying to make me feel bad. She always does this and I hate it. I am a respectful person and would never disrespect my parents. But after years of mental abuse from my mother I don’t allow her to treat me like that anymore so I stood up for myself. But I felt so worthless having her throw my clothes on the floor like that and only thinking of herself and her own clothes that needed to be washed when I already offered to put them to wash for her later so they’d be clean in the morning.
This is just one incident of many. She even threatened to call the police on me tonight after I told her that I’d do the same to her clothes…she’s threatened to leave and never come back home before. She’s called me horrible names in the past. Anyway as of now I’ve blocked her number and I’m not speaking to her because I don’t want to see her provoking texts or argue with her anymore.
She expects so much from me when I work 4-5 days a week and only get one day off in between. Most of the time I’m getting home at 10pm and I have no time for myself. I’m feeling lost and extremely overwhelmed and I feel like I just need time to heal and focus 100% on me for a change.
So with all that being said (sorry for ranting) I’ll be taking a hiatus for a while. Maybe in a week or two I’ll reassess how I’m feeling and go from there bc I have no energy to write rn. I don’t want to write bad content or forced content for you guys when my whole heart isn’t in it. I love to write and I love writing for YOU, but I can’t right how. This isn’t goodbye, just a temporary break so I can recollect myself. I’ll still be around to chat if any of you send any asks or dms. Those make me really happy. I love you guys so much, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me. I feel super guilty for doing this, but I can’t keep pretending like I’m okay anymore. I hope you guys understand.
Also my the anon who sent me an urgent request today: I won’t be able to write that for you for a while, but if you don’t mind waiting, then I can definitely write that for you when I’m back from my hiatus!
Again, I’m sorry. I hope I haven’t disappointed anyone.
I love you,
Han.x 💗
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lunulater · 1 year
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Last night I spent approximately three hours with a roomful of strangers, sobbing uncontrollably for the greater duration of that time. It was awkward, and uncomfortable. I was a few minutes late, flustered and already in tears before walking through the door; rushed, heart racing, kind of sweaty, with a little dog in tow and an irrationally large tote bag. I was a scene, and I felt it. Palpably. Everything in me wanted to jet right back out that door. But, I didn’t. I was there for a purpose. A commitment to myself.
So, with all I could quietly muster towards unsuccessful inconspicuous ends, I puddled myself into the nearest open chair, squeezing my little dog for dear life and trying to stifle sobs as my mask filled steadily with snot. A whole scene. Short of some glances, no one said anything, even if they quietly took note of the scene melting before them. And that’s why I was there. That’s why these spaces exist. What I needed, ultimately, was to be seen. Fully. Free of judgement.
I went to a space, with a roomful of strangers, and I broke down worse than I have for quite some time. I hated it. But, I needed it. That’s what that space was for. I’m better today for it. Not much less heartbroken, but the weight’s not the same today. For there’s been a trepidatious toe dipped towards recovery.
I’m grateful to have been invited, I am grateful to myself for accepting that invitation. To allow compassionate, loving, support from a group of strangers that just got it. I didn’t need to explain myself. I did not have to perform any scene, to be safe, to be seen. We were each there to be beheld. To be held. A room beholden to compassion and nothing more. And there I was, my presence cradled just for being.
Towards the end of the formal session I was able to choke out just enough to be heard too, leading with:
“I’m just so fucking sad, and I so fucking tired.”
I did not need to say more, but more tumbled out. I was met with grace, and mirrored experiences. I was met with compassion, and insight. To consider myself independent of the treatment and behaviors of others towards me. I was met with humanity. At the end of the meeting, the person leading asked who would like to stay to welcome newcomers. Newcomer. Me. I was the only.
Everyone quietly raised their hand. Then, one by one they came to me. I was embraced in every sense. More fibers of my being than not wanted to bolt. But I was there, for a reason, a commitment to myself. So I stayed, and I sobbed some more as people came to behold me, to hold me. To tell me they were glad I’d made it and that they hoped to see me again. They each filed through, no demands or expectations beyond being. And I was embraced in the warmth of being, of words, of bodies, of shuddered sobs and deep intentional breaths.
I struggle to feel comfortable with physical contact, I always have. For many reasons. This has become a progressively painful conundrum as I’ve aged. The pandemic has only made it exponentially worse. But, nonetheless, as fragile humans are wont to do, I crave connection through physical comfort. Through conscious embrace. Most of me, almost every fiber, wanted to flee, to isolate. But instead I committed to the choice of allowing myself space for the connectedness of humanity. For support, to be seen, to be heard, something we all deserve. We cannot heal alone. We cannot recover in isolation. We cannot be seen without showing up. We cannot be heard without first sharing. We cannot embrace our own humanity, with out accepting the embrace of others.
I am grateful to have been invited. I am grateful to myself for committing to that desperately needed connection. I will go back again. I am grateful for those who stayed and did the shared work of co-regulation. I am grateful for my little dog who put on the charm and made fast friends of the room. I am grateful that before departing we somehow got onto the subject of the healing properties of cat purrs. Followed by swapping photos of, and reasons for our favorite cat breeds; Maine Coons, Russian Blues, and Ragdolls.
I am still fucking sad, and I am still fucking tired. But, I’m also still fucking here. Standing, for the grace of others.
I also typically do not like guided meditations, but this one helped: Sitting with Difficult Emotions by Recovery Dharma
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meshlasolus · 2 years
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before I start I just want to say how much I love your writing, you're amazing!
I'm 19, in anything sw related I always use the name solari luna and read that in the "y/n" parts
im very neurodivergent so that heavily influences who I am overall. I am not good at socializing w strangers at all, I never know what to say and my brain buffers, but w people im comfortable w/know well I'm super talkative. I really enjoy sitting alone most of the time because my social battery drains really fast. im overall independent and introverted.
I have a very short temper and my tone can shift to annoyed and get louder in a second. when this happens I talk really fast. but im also super sensitive and hate conflict of any kind so I try to avoid situations that will cause my temper. so when I have a problem I tend to try and solve it myself and wont ask for help until ive tried everything I can think of to fix it.
im not good at making decisions either and im a huge people pleaser so I always want to make sure everyone is comfortable and make them. im a nursing student so obviously making sure others are taken care of is a huge part of me.
as you can tell from my pic im asexual so I never know when im completely oblivious when it comes to flirting and dont even know when im doing it.
sorry that this is so long, over sharer :/ and I hope this is okay, thank you!!💜💜
Hi lovely! I’m pretty positive you are a guardian by nature, but for saber color I’m going to go with purple, as it sounds like you perhaps may thrive on a bit of dark side power from time to time. I believe you have a wonderful nature of caring for others, although maybe the care you feel for them can blindside you a bit if you allow it to. I’m positive you use form 5, and you’re talented at it too. your Jedi master would be Shaak Ti, someone who’s compassion has made her a good person to learn from in harsh situations, as well as one’s where you may need to control your anger. She would be helpful and truly always be there to guide you, to give you great stability in life when things would seem uncertain
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spongyboi · 3 years
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gotta love my parents leaving me out of everything and blaming every single thing on me
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runwithwolvcs · 3 years
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You Know I'm No Good - three
New Beginnings
Timeline: Takes place a few years after the events of Breaking Dawn
Pairing: Paul Lahote x OC (Tallulah is 18)
Warnings (future chapters): Drugs/Alcohol, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Jealousy, Mental Health, (Mentions of SA, but no details)
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She was like the moon -- part of her is always hidden away
Tallulah looked to the boy in front of her, up close, in much better light than she had first seen him in, he looks older, worn and tired. Like he hasn't slept well in days. “I’m aware of who you are.” she stated in a matter of fact tone, and she watches as the smirk returns to his face. Great, an inflated ego, she thought. Tallulah is overly aware that his eyes are on her, like he's trying to read her uninterested expression. “I didn’t know Joseph had a third daughter,” he spoked tentatively, as if he would cause her to bolt if he said something wrong. She nodded her head in response, of course nobody knew. “Yeah, I’m the best kept family secret there ever was,” she eased out with a breathy laugh, “I didn’t mean it like that” he backtracked quickly, “I’ve just never seen you around the rez before”
Tallulah nodded her head in understanding, “my mom hates it here so she never brought me.” she stated before turning her body back towards the bar, hoping he’d get the hint that this was not what she wanted to be talking about. The next question out of his mouth being ‘why’, clearly meant he did not know how to read a room, causing her to turn her entire body back towards him, her face level with his as he was leaning against the counter, eyes looking into hers, as she venomously spoke, “because it's a giant reminder that her ex husband spent two years of their marriage being in love with another woman before leaving her to care for a child by herself while he lived happily ever after.” The look of shock on Paul's face didn’t surprise Tallulah in the slightest.
The waitress had dropped off both of their drinks and as she was about to open her mouth to drop another heated sentence she felt a petite arm wrap around her own, and a raspy feminie voice greeted Paul, to which he nodded in acknowledgment, barely taking his eyes off of Tallulah, “Sorry, Paul, but I need to steal my sister for a moment,”. Tallulah was now looking at the tall, raven haired girl beside her. Lenna.
Now she was confused, as the younger of the two pulled her away from the counter, drink in hand, back to the table where Josie was now sitting beside herself. Lenna sat down beside her twin, across from Tallulah, a look of exasperation was evident on Lenna's face, whereas Josie had an apologetic one.
Before she could even ask what had just happened, Lenna was speaking in a heated tone, “you need to stay away from him,” she started, “he’s got a girlfriend,” before she could defend herself from what felt like an attack, Josie piped in, “They’re back together?” she asked in a shocked tone, to which her twin nodded her head furiously. “What does any of whatever you're talking about have to do with me?” she asked, eyebrow raised, Tallulah crossed her arms as she leaned back in her seat. “This has everything to do with you!” Lenna exclaimed, “You’re the shiny new toy here, doesn’t help that you're hot either. And Paul Lahote is dating Rachel Black, happily, might I add, and when they aren’t together, she's not happy and when she's not happy, I’m not happy!” she rambled, Tallulah looked to Josie for clarification, “What Lenna is trying to say is that Rachelis her boss and she is not easy to work for when she doesn’t get what she wants. And for as long as we can remember, Paul was the source of that stress. They’ve been on and off since they were 16.” Josie clarified, with Lenna adding, “Plus, dad has a rule about dating older guys, and he does not fit the qualifications, even for you.” she stated before picking at her perfectly manicured hands.
“Well, no need to stress. I’m not a homewrecker.” Tallulah stated matter of factly. “ Besides, he’s not my type anyways” Not that Tallulah had a type really, anyone who didn’t want her commitment and could make her feel something other than numb, was good enough for her.
The three girls stayed at the cafe until it was nearly dark. The twins carried the conversation, with Tallulah nodding her head and giving one word answers whenever it was needed. She didn’t particularly care for the topics in which they were being brought up, like who broke up or who’s not friends anymore. In such a small area she figured this was typical considering everyone knew everyone here. She didn’t even want to think about what people might be saying about her. After awhile, Lenna had to get to work and Josie had received a text from Kira of when dinner would be, to which Tallulah thought was odd, her and her mother never ate dinner together as a family. Either her mother was at work or she was out with friends, being left up to her own devices. So when Josie and Tallulah walked through the front door of their home to the smell of a home cooked meal, she felt a tinge of jealousy. The twins were living the life she had dreamt of as a child, a mother who cooked, a dad that was present in their lives, family dinners where they could talk about their days, the good and the bad. A family that made memories together, rather than apart.
The two girls kicked off the shoes and before making their way to the dining room table, Tallulah felt awkward, she didn’t want to sit in someone else's seat, so, she let Josie sit in her usual spot before sitting down, Kira and her dad sat at the ends of the table. They all jumped right in, grabbing and passing food to each other as if Tallulah had been there for years.
As they ate, Kira asked how her first full day in La Push was, she shrugged her shoulders, before stating, “it was alright. Met some people who seemed to already know who I was.” This caused her father and Kira to laugh, as Tallulah took another bite while her dad asked, “catch any names?”, before she could even answer, Josie was answering for her, “She met Paul today, seemed like they really hit it off.” Tallulah couldn't stop the glare that adorned her face, for someone who had essentially told her their dad didn’t like him, she was really throwing her in front of a bus.
She looked at her dad, trying to gauge a reaction from him but he was looking at Kira, the two of them silently communicating from across the table, before saying, “I don’t know if that's someone you’d want as a friend.He’s quite older than you, Tal, nearly 27.” to which she shrugged off, saying, “he was just asking if i was your daughter. Not a lot of people knew you had three before yesterday.” No longer having an appetite, she dropped her fork onto her plate, “and not that it's anyone's business, but I can make my own friends, older or younger. Thank you for dinner, Kira.” she said trying to contain her anger before standing up and tucking her chair in. She grabbed her plate and brought it into the kitchen, the anger that has been stirring since the day before coming back out as she tried to calm herself before it came back to bite her. She tossed her food and placed her plate in the dishwasher before walking up to her room and shutting the door gently, she turned towards her bed noticing a black book bag with a folded slip of paper on it. Picking it up and opening, she recognized it as a schedule, reading it over, she noticed she had more independent study periods than actual classes. Written in pen below the timetable there was a note, stating, “exempt from AP Literature, Biology III and Calculus”, which were all classes she had taken in the first semester of her old school. She let out a breath of relief at the thought of not taking them again. Shoving the paper in her bag, before dropping it at the foot of her bed. She grabbed a book out of one of her unpacked duffels that her mother must have packed for her, before laying on her bed to read.
-
At some point she must have dozed off, the room was dark but the moonlight illuminated from the window. Tallulah got up and stretched her back from the odd position she had fallen asleep, before stripping out of her jeans in favour of comfy shorts and a baggy t-shirt. She made her way into the hall to use the bathroom she shared with the twins, as well as to brush her teeth. From the bathroom she could hear the muffled voices of Jira and her dad, ‘he’s too old for her’ ‘this could be good for her’ ‘or it could push her further away’ ‘you and i both know that wont happen’, it didn’t take a genius to realize who they were talking about, and she wasn’t bothered by it in the slightest because in her mind, if they never assert their problems with her, then they can never be mad. How can she go against them if she didn’t know what she was doing wasn’t allowed?
She left the bathroom after dousing her face with water and patting it dry to see Josie waiting outside, Tallulah rolled her eyes before brushing past her, not listening to her apologies, she didn’t care if Josie was a snitch. She's just happy she found out sooner, rather than later.
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chikkou · 2 years
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Legit question. How do you balance out enjoying works in pop culture, and being critical of the corporations and conglomerates that fund and produce said pop culture? It always seems like there's no in-between of "mindless consume product sheep" or "100% miserable pessimist", and it's just. Fucking exhausting.
sadly this is the natural consequence of a highly corporate culture; damn near everything you consume is either produced or funded by a media conglomerate of some kind, and there is absolutely no way to get around that. if you tried to avoid that by only consuming content made by independent artists/creators, youd probably spend more time researching every individual associated with something than you would actually consuming the damn thing. ive seen people go this route in trying to limit their exposure to mainstream media, and i completely understand & admire the motive behind it, but trust me - this is a miserable & unrealistic way to live.
for me personally, its about still staying vigilant at what messages the content youre consuming is giving out, and WHERE those messages are coming from. brooklyn 99 is a great example of some really insidious copaganda, and i fell for it myself when i was younger - the show makes it a point to make the police seem well-meaning and personable, even when they are ACTIVELY committing crimes on the show; they even bring in the BLM movement and basically have the episode just say "well ok people are right about police brutality but those are just bad cops and also we're trying be nice :(". this is not the first time michael schur slipped this kind of copaganda into one of his shows; parks and rec had a very similar issue where the police were treated as harmless & even a bit silly, even though one of the early episodes of the show has tom (a brown man) getting arrested for trying to break into HIS OWN VAN, with the cops excuse later on being that tom was "being belligerent." even when the main character (leslie) gets justifiably angry about this and demands he be let out, the show treats her as overreacting/in the wrong and he is still kept in the holding cell overnight. to make it even worse, she also ends up dating that cop later.
i went off on a tangent a bit LMAO but the bottom line is that, while youll never be able to avoid unintentionally consuming content like this, you can always do research about something youre watching/reading/listening to/etc. in fact, i would never have connected these dots if i hadnt tried to watch b99 and started feeling really uncomfortable with its portrayal of the police; by looking into it, i realized it was the same creator, and that he had done the same thing in parks and rec too. that was a dealbreaker for me, but it wont be like that with every piece of mainstream media you consume, so it really has to be taken on a case-by-case basis, or youll drive yourself crazy trying to remain perfectly ethical in a society that simply wont allow for it.
also a very simple solution is just to pirate every piece of mainstream media you consume cause that cuts the middle man out entirely LMAO
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heyitsyn · 4 years
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Complicated
Shirabu x Reader
a/n: im not very familiar with shirabu on a spiritual level like i am w the other characters but ill try my best!! 
request:  okok haikyuu hcs: shirabu is reader’s childhood best friend and messed up their last game in middle school because he changed his setting style to accommodate ushijima,,, and reader, as the manager is very very pissed and they get into a huge fight,,, so once they get to stz they’re academic rivals, reader became the vbc manager just to spite him (oh yea they definitely still have crushes on each other but it’s hard with the current situation) only if it’s ok!! not a lot of ppl write for him :
this is kinda the best friends-to-rivals-to-friends again-to-lovers
requests open!!
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lets get our inhalers bc this finna be a wild one luvs
so, basically,
you and him were actually childhood friends since he lived next door to you
lets say you met when you were 5 and you just stuck on to this slightly cold and dismissive boy who was the shy type
idk bout you but i actually like that type
ppl dont really understand how yall got along bc you were the extrovert and the laughing type of girl
he only stuck around bc you were actually a smart person who helped him occassionally w your organized notes
but he still appreciates your time and efforts to be his friend despite his personality
plus, you also liked volleyball and together you both would watch volleyball matches in his house where you would see him with a smile that he unconsciously wears
like when yall were 8, you gave him a volleyball for his birthday since he lost his old one when he was playing by the river
at first, he was like, ‘oh, thanks, i needed this’
but then as he started tossing it up and down, you could see that bashful smile starting to surface
you shrieked, 
bc you rarely see it and you think its super cute,
and just wrap him up in a hug and he turns all shy again but with a soft smile and a soft blush
‘thanks, n/n-chan’
uh oh, feelings
stinky
since he mainly focused on doing homework or studying, not a whole lot of kids really approached him to hang out since they thought he only lived to study and play volleyball
but you didnt care bc youve been friends w this bun for a long time and you know hes not really like that
he has fun moments too
since you were the manager of the volleyball team, you always try to showcase how fun he was by trying to take the team to bonding places 
the team does think that shirabu has fun but only if its w you
anyways
one afternoon, you naturally just go to his house w him since your mothers know youre practically best friends and so you basically live in each others houses
yall were about halfway through middle school so shirabu has been studying more to get scholarships for schools
he was studying on the little table while leaning against his bed while you were just lounging on his bed after studying
‘ken-channnnn’
oikawa 2.0
‘hm’
you pouted at the distracted reply before sitting up and wrapping your arms around his shoulder from behind him and placing your chin on his shoulder
‘lets do something fun!!!! im boredddd’
he wasnt really fazed by the skinship bc youve been like that to him since day 1
but thats going to change soon
‘i have a new sudoku book over there that you could do’
omg what
‘ken-chan!’
you shrieked in betrayal before leaping off the bed and grabbing his arm to stand him up
shirabu was actually annoyed that you were distracting his studying but seeing a wide grin on your face made him double stop
am i,,,, catching feelings?
nah, he just going through puberty
‘lets go to the fall market! yuki-chan told me theres a new food place that opened and theyre handing out free samples!’
you excitedly told him and continued shaking his arm to persuade him in going
‘n/n-chan, this is my only free day from volleyball to study. i need to pass the test on friday’
you rolled your eyes at that lame excuse
‘i know. i set up the schedule differently bc you have a big test on friday! but you would still have time to study!’
‘but im still unfamilair with the topic-’
‘cmon, ken-chan! youre so smart you could rival buddha!’
‘i dont think,,,,, thats a right comparison’
‘either way, we’re going to hang out and have fun!’
he honestly didnt know why he was at this crowded market w you
shirabu is a whole simp
‘omg ken-chan! look! takoyaki!’
you dragged him to the stall and the nice old lady smiled before taking your order
‘1 box please. ken-chan, you want?’
he shook his head no and started taking out his wallet to pay
but you stopped him
‘no, you dont have to pay since youre not eating’
‘but i want to’
‘ken-chan! you need to save up for college!’
‘no its fine im pay-’
‘here ya go, dear. free of charge’
you both stopped at the nice lady’s sentence
‘b-but’
‘no it’s okay. its cute to find a boy who’s willing to pay for his girl since that doesnt really happen nowadays. i hope you have a great rest of your date!’
‘it’s not a da-’
‘thank you, maam’
shirabu takes the box and leads you out of there
you smirk and poke his tummy
‘you want to go on a date with me, ken-chan~?’
he turns red and looks away
‘no. it wouldve taken longer to fully explain the situation so just go along with it to make it faster’
you giggled
‘hm sounds fake but okay’
you both continue to walk around the market and even buy a few things like a mini buddha statue or a pair of cat ears for both of you
with everything you bought, shirabu payed with it all
you were pouting as you walked and he noticed so he nudged you with his elbow
‘oi, what’s wrong?’
you crossed your arms
‘hm.. i dont like that ken-chan is buying and spending money for me on things that symbolize our fun. i want to give ken-chan something to remember this day too!’
shirabu grows flustered but hes really confused
youve always been a thoughtful person who tries to be independent but unconsciously ends up depending on others like him
but your thoughts of wanting to do something in return for him just sounds like heaven right now
lmao what a simp
he looks around for a place that could have something that sparked his interest but nothing caught his eye
until he caught a photo booth by the corner
‘oi, n/n-chan, let’s go there’
you followed his finger and you gasped
‘thats perfect, ken-chan! let’s go!’
you drag him to the booth and you giddily enter the coins for the machine to start
but he was starting to think this wasnt a good idea
he was in a cramp space with you pressed against him
but youve always been glomped to his side since yall were kids so what was the difference now?
bc you catching feelings, fool!
‘ken-chan! its starting!’
he finally snaps out of his flustered state and he raises a peace sign with a smile
with all the pictures, there were funny pictures of you and him,
well mainly you
but he was happy to have them w you
‘ken-chan, you know i love you, but when will you fix your hair?’
he glared at you
‘i like it so its staying that way’
you giggled at his attitude
‘okay, ken-chan. at least it would make you stand out in the crowd so i dont have to look for you!’
you hugged his waist and he froze up, suddenly feeling awkward with this familiar position
its okay, shes naturally like this so calm down
dontcrydontcrydontcrydontcry
after your hang out, he didnt even bother going back to studying
he just laid on his bed, looking at the strip of pictures with a fond smile
he was happy that you only showed that true, bright, happy grin to him
it was only for him
and he only showed his to you
bc you were you and you were the greatest thing, next to his parents, that he has in his life
omg that thought
he freezes and the picture falls on his face at that realization
omg, does he like you?
youre a great friend and his best friend and he wants to be your friend forever
but then, he realizes
youd separate one day and youd have a boyfriend and get married and have a family without him
no, he wasnt going to let that happen
he didnt like that thought
and thus, began his crush for you
and you were the same thing too but you noticed it later than him
oof, when this one girl confessed to him at the back of the school, you cried to him when yall got home
‘when ken-chan has a girlfriend, he wont hang out with me anymore! hes not going to be my friend anymore!’
it took some reassurance from him and more from your mom, when you got home, to realize that you liked your best friend
and thus began the skinny love stage
the whole volley team knew of your pining and tbh, they thought yall were dating but you were just like, nah, we friends
if anyone were to look at you, they would think the same thing
but ofc, yall are insecure hormonal teenagers who think that the other doesnt like them and if they confess, they would be rejected and that would ruin their friendship and they would not be friends anymore and they dont think they could handle that so its better to keep the feelings hidden and remain friends bc if theyre happy, theyre happy
oml my entire love life
this continued on until the last year of middle school
bc not only do you suddenly stop being friends, you became rivals
so as volleyball manager, you helped the team with whatever they needed in return of them doing their absolute best and winning the game
the last game of the year, you were slightly confused at the way shirabu was playing bc it wasnt the normal way he sets
before, his sets were so good that he could give it to any player and they would spike perfectly
but now, it was so different due to the simple, almost lazy, and very high tosses
the team was slightly irritated bc they couldnt keep up with the high tosses so they couldnt hit it
in between the sets, during break, you pulled him aside as you wiped off his sweat
‘ken-chan, youre not setting properly to the others. theyre getting angry because it doesnt allow them to spike right.’
he glares at you, with almost manic eyes
‘its their fault for not being able to jump high enough. in order to get a point, the ace must get a high toss to aim a quick spike’
‘but theyre not able to jump that high, ken-chan!’
you whispered, worried that he was going too intense and they would lose the game
all the hard-work the others put in, all to waste
‘i dont care. i must start early and change early so ushijima could hit my sets in the future’
‘but they’re not ushijima, kenjiro!’
you whisper-yelled
‘right now, theres no ushijima, no oikawa, its just you and the team. your team’
he was shook that you used his first name and the way you were actually telling him off
youve never been like that before
but he was blinded by his goal in the future
‘why is he our ace if he couldnt even hit tosses meant for an ace?’
‘because hes not the ace you’re hoping him to be!’
‘kenjiro, listen to me, these boys have worked their asses off for years to even come close to playing against seijoh or shiratorizawa. im going to do everything i can to make that happen and im not going to let them lose just bc you are too busy focusing on the future rather than the present’
with the way he looked at you, you really thought he would listen to you and play the way his team needs him to play
but no, he played the way he thought ushijima needed him to play
in the end, due to the foreign and unfamiliar tosses, they were unable to hit as much points causing them to lose
you could never forget the looks on your fellow classmates, who were also going to graduate this year, as they watched the ball that shirabu tossed, hit the floor right next to them
to say you were pissed was an understatement
you were F U R I O U S ™
you held the hands of the first years as they were devastated at their first loss
but you caught the eye of your ‘friend’ and he was biting his lip in irritation and anger
as your team was walking to their locker room to get changed, you pulled shirabu aside
‘what the hell’
he stared at you
‘we lost. we lost bc they couldnt keep up’
‘kenjiro! are you not listening to yourself?! you lost because you couldnt accept the fact that your teammates arent ushijima wakatoshi! you couldnt accept the fact that they’re not tall enough! strong enough! ace-like enough! and for what?! for the future?! the future where you’re going to set for someone like ushijima?!’
‘i vowed to set for a player like him, y/n! i want to toss a ball to someone as powerful and as talented as him! thats a promise i intend to keep’
you were dumbfounded 
he was acting on his own reasons and selfish intent, even costing them a game, for his preparation in the future
‘i cannot believe you right now. i didnt know you were so selfish, shirabu. of all the years i knew you, you were never like this. so what changed?’
at the almost betrayed look on your face hurt him bc weren’t you always there to help him? to support him? wasnt that the reason you became a manager in the first place? 
‘you dont understand, y/n. i need to change the way i play now because it will greatly benefit me in the future’
honestly, you didnt even know why you were so angry about this
sure, it was volleyball and it was just a game
you had high school to win it again
but maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t being the shirabu you knew
the ken-chan you grew up with and harbored feelings for for years
he was turning to someone that worked not for himself, but for some guy he has never even spoken to
you blinked away the tears and looked off the side, away from his face
‘right. the future. yanno, if youre already like this, i dread to think about how you would act once you get that goal of yours. but i know one thing. im not going to be there to see it happen’
god that last sentence
he felt a piece of his world crumble bc were you saying goodbye? were you leaving him?
‘i cant see you torture yourself into changing into a new person, kenjiro. so good luck finding someone who can’
‘oh yea? well, i dont need you! i’ll be perfectly fine on my own and find someone better than you! youre easily replacable!’
that was a big booboo love
that fight costed him more than a decade of friendship and a few years of love
despite living so closely together, you refused to even acknowledge him and when your parents got together, you’d find some way to be out ofthe house or you’d lock yourself in your room
he tried many times to get to you and even cried to you, begging to not leave him
but you willed strong and you left him alone
omg she handled this so bad and i cant w puberting teenagers
eventually, he got tired of chasing you and was now angry at you for picking a team of people youve only met for a few years over him who’s been there for you since you were 5
he was betrayed, cold, and sad
however,
without each other to be there, you both studied even harder and eventually, you were both able to get into shiratorizawa
initially, you wanted nothing to do w that school since you knew kenjiro was going to be in it and that bastard ushijima wakatoshi was too
um,,, babygurl ushi did nothing to you
but your mother really wanted you to go to a nice school since she wanted you to go to a nice college
since yall werent friends anymore, he didnt know you wouldn’t be in shiratorizawa
so imagine his surprise when he saw you entering his class with the girls uniform on and a completely new hairstyle and hair color and were you wearing makeup?!
lmao she acting like they broke up
anyways, all he knows, is that boys were already looking at you and vying for attention and dear god, he didnt know how to handle that
for the first month of school, youd think you would just be ignoring each other like you did back in middle school
but nope!
somehow, yall were now talking again!
except it was a mean type of talking
you see, shirabu studied as much as he breathed and you were just a naturally smart sister who didnt study as much
but you still were able to make it to the top and currently, you were the 1st in your entire class
‘ara ara? 1st again? better luck next time, shirabu-kun~’
he glared at you from his seat as you passed by with a smug grin
this fueding is giving me vertigo
‘shut up. at least some of us work for our grades’
that was so weak lmao
but you turned around to blink your eyelashes, slightly mocking him
‘eh? are you saying that i’m naturally gifted? yanno, shirabu-kun, naturally gifted people are much better than those who have to work for it. you play with ushijima-senpai, right? so you’d know the difference between you two.’
bringing up ushijima always pained him but he kept repeating it to himself that he was doing it so that he could go to nationals
sensing his silence as defeat, you waved your hand and went back to conversing w your other friends
this continued on again for a while and he was already sick and tired of it
not only was it beginning to get annoying, it was beginning to hurt
he cornered you at your locker
aaaaa kabedon!!!!!!!
‘listen to me and listen well, y/n’
yessir im listening
‘whatever the hell youre doing, cut it out. youre not going to rile me up anymore and im not going to give you the reactions you want. i dont understand why youre doing this to me but you need to stop before i make you’
ohgodyessir
ngl, that tone of his voice was the lowest youve heard and it made you so red bc that was just hot
but you gulped before grinning wolfishly, hand pressed against his chest and the other snaking around his neck
you pulled him down to your level so you could lean close to his ear
‘now you listen to me and listen well, ken-chan, youre not my best friend anymore so you can no longer tell me what to do, kay?’
shirabu was just flustered at the close proximity between your lips and his ears that he completely missed your warning
he only snapped out of it when you walked away, heading towards your next class
you sat in class that day, wondering how to tease him more
clearly, just words wouldnt make him irritated
gurl why you doing this
and you were stumped until you saw a red-haired looking guy accompanied by a gray-haired looking guy coming up to you
ofc you recognized them from the volley team since you’ve,,,,,,maybe seen a few practices
you thought theyd just pass by but they stopped in front of you and you looked up w wide eyes
‘can,,,, i help you?’
‘wow shes cute!’
the red head shouted and you shrunk under the gazes of these tall men
‘sorry about him. im semi eita, second year’
you shook his hand and you introduced yourself before soon finding out this other guy was tendo satori
‘so what do you need me for?’
‘you see, we’re kinda in need of a manager. and i think its better to have a manager who is close to a player in the team. i apologize to say this but i saw you and shirabu-san by the lockers the other day and i think its best to have his girlfriend as our manager’
‘g-girlfriend?!’
you shrieked, shocked that they thought you were
at this mention, you got a flashback from the festival and you soon turned bright red at the label of you being kenjiro’s girlfriend
‘and youre so cute y/n-chan! i can see what our darling kouhai sees in you!’
‘no, you got it all wrong its-’
then you stopped
omg this was the perfect opportunity
no gurl stop jesus take the wheel
shirabu would hate it if you were a manager bc that would give you more room to tease him
holy
then you smiled
‘i accept, senpais. i want to see my baby in action after all’
they were ecstatic since it was a hassle to find a manager who wasnt infatuated w ushijima
you exchanged contacts and soon, you were brought to meet the team
oh boy when kenjiro saw you at the door, he dropped the ball on his head
what in the hell were you doing here
‘guys, this is our new manager!’
you peeked out from tendo and waved at them
‘hello, my name is l/n y/n, first year. and im glad to be your manager’
noticing shirabu’s shocked form, tendo and semi shared a look and interpreted as, hes so happy that his senpais chose his girlfriend for him so now he could show off and play better and that could hopefully turn his attitude to be more grateful and respectful rather than this dismissive and disrespectful behavior
but shirabu was dying inside
oh god, youre totally going to tease him during practice and hes not going to be at his best and hes not going to be able to prove himself to ushijima
‘oi! shirabu-kun! come be grateful to your senpais for letting your darling girlfriend as our manager!’
‘hey baby!’
omg, what
again, you have a loud and expressive personality so you were kinda shameless so you just ran up and hugged him
aaaaa this is so embarassing wth
‘didnt you miss me? oh, youre so cute!’
god, he knows youre only here to spite him
right on point, good sir
ugh you were practically teasing him as the manager and you were having so much fun making him all flustered
but he was also spiteful 
sometimes, he would stick his foot out whenever youd run towards a player and hed laugh at you embarassing yourself in front of them
youd return the favor by accidentally throwing his water bottle at his face
‘oh, gomen, ken-chan’
the entire time, the team was baffled to see the usual stoic and dismissive shirabu so freely laughing and actually teasing you
they think its just for good fun and not the aim of hurting each other since yall are dating and youre just flirting
combined w being academic rivals and now rivals during the team, you both were unintentionally becoming close again
the brutality was slowly simmering to a low heat
and turn the over on at 350 degrees
now, it was just to make each other flustered
the crush that you thought was gone, was slowly digging itself out like the zombies in plants vs zombies
and my god you were annoyed
from now on, you were nothing but rivals and a parasite on his side
him feeling the same
dating would cause too much and the hurtful words would eventually come back up and you concluded that you were just too different
you didnt conclude shit
one time, the team was walking from practice to a nearby convenience store to pick up food
ofc you were picking out a billion foods and you just shoved them all to his arms
‘my darling boyfriend would pay for it because he loves me. ya know what they say, make his pockets hurt’
he glared at you 
‘as far as i remember, i wasnt dating a pig’
ngl, that hurt a little bc hes calling you a fattie
but he still went up to pay for it and you intentionally bumped him with your hips to annoy him but it caused him to drop his wallet to fall
and out came his money and that picture
the picture from nearly 3 years ago
you bent down to pick it up before he could even move 
god, yall were so happy and young back then
it was awkward silent since you didnt give it back and yall walked out of the store and the team was sensing the weird vibe around you two
‘oi, what happened? its so tense!’
‘did you fight?’
‘did you get caught making out by the aisles?’
‘ong shut up, kai!’
yall kai is a third year senpai that i completely made up since we dont get insight on the senpais before ushijima
but the team noticed the weird aura around you two and decided to walk away to give yall some space
‘can-will you hand it over now?’
shirabu mumbled
you nodded and pushed it in his hands
‘why,,,, why do you still have it?’
‘you gave it to me. of course id still have it’
you were silent before coughing
‘can we talk?’
‘its about time we do’
yall walked away from the team towards your home but were taking weird turns and corners to prolong the walk
you looked up to see him and you laughed
‘this is ridiculous. its not fair’
‘what are you talking about?’
he whispered
‘i was so angry at you for saying that you dont need me and that you could easily find someone better because i knew that and i didnt like it. but i was so hurt that it came from your mouth. out of everyone, i would rather die than hear you say that to me. i think thats why ive been like this. i dont know, im being stupid. i was being stupid.’
he stopped walking and clenched his fist while glaring at the ground
‘you told me you were going to leave me. you were telling me that you wouldnt be friends with me anymore. i had to choose between you or volleyball and i wasnt at the right state of mind at that time so i chose incorrectly’
you noticed him not beside you anymore so you went behind him to rest your forehead on his back so he would see you since he preferred to be honest while not looking at you
‘ken-chan, we messed up big time, didnt we?’
his body shook as he laughed
‘i guess we did’
‘it was only over a game. i was so mean and dramatic and ive called you names and said bad stuff about you and im sorry’
‘im not innocent either. i said those words to you and im sorry’
despite slightly making up now, you both knew those feelings would have to wait because you were only getting each other back
‘can we start over, ken-chan?’
‘you want to?’
‘yes’
‘then we will’
omg the whiplash this is giving me
so yall are finally becoming friends and your families are relieved yall made up again bc wowza those dinners were torturous
‘now that they made up, we can go back to planning their wedding’
‘MOM NO!’
slowly but surely, everything has been going steady and your friendship was getting better
but you didnt admit to the club about everything bc again, shirabu was like, ‘i dont feel like explaining everything’
you both still kept a rivalry but it was friendly this time with cute wagers like treat me to milk bread or banana milk
tOOrU oIKaWA’s fAvoRiTE fOod iS MiLK bREaD
he came over often and studied w you and yall would end up actually just watching a movie or watching brain games, unconsciously cuddled up on the couch
however,
this new closeness was doing damage to your heart bc you were again reminded of how much you liked this boy
initially, you thought it would just go away and never be seen again but it said
sIKe biH!
every time you saw him, youd unconsciously sweep away a stray hair and fix it to his weird crooked style
but whenever you do that, shirabu would get a close view of your face and omg you were freaking beautiful
and thats saying something from a guy who saw you through your awkward phase
hes unconsciously touching you more and showing more affection, even more than when yall were young
just being w you was emotionally exhausting as he holds himself back from doing drastic things but he was over it
he was done with all the years of pining for you so finally found the balls to do something about it
you were over at his place to study for exams and he was coming back up with juice
you were slumped over your calculus textbook with your hair in a bun and glasses on wearing his clothes
god theyre practically dating already
‘ken-chan, come help me with this’
he nods and goes to sit behind you
with his tall height, he was able to look over your shoulder and place his chin on it and tbh, you were so frustrated w the problem you didnt care about the closeness
‘you misplaced a decimal so everything got all wrong’
he mumbled
you gasped and made a noise of agreement before changing your answer
he didnt move though, instead wrapping his arms around yourwaist
‘oi, n/n’
‘hm’
this is a familiar scene
‘wanna go to the market tomorrow?’
at the mention of the market you stopped and leaned back
oh god your heart leapt at the feeling of his chest behind you but you composed quickly
‘should we?’
you turned to gauge his reaction at your closeness but he gently smiled
‘yea’
‘okay’
you havent been back to the market together since that day and it was so nostalgic as you both did the things you did back then
from the takoyaki to the stalls
it was so fun
but your heart was beating so fast
his smiling face and thoroughly enjoyed face was doing palpations in your heart
you looked away to stop staring at him and found the photo booth
‘look, ken-chan! the photo booth!’
he chuckled at the thought
‘should we go get another one?’
‘yes! come on!’
you quickly inserted the money and shirabu had flashbacks
but this time it was going to be different
‘okay lets start!’
the first picture, it was a peace sign
the second one was a wacky one
but the next one, was different
‘oi y/n’
‘what?’
the shutter went off just in time of him kissing you
the bright light caused you to close your eyes and you soon forgot what was happening
all you knew you were kissing ken-chan
your best friend
turned enemy
turned friend again
and now,,, were you lovers?
this rollercoaster is quite loopy
he pulled away and rested his forehead against yours
‘im sorry if-’
‘no balls, do it again’
and this time you lunged back for another
and again, this time, not only did you give him another photo, but you also gave him your heart
la fin.
yall what did i just write
313 notes · View notes
whisperingrockers · 4 years
Note
would u. i dunno. perhaps articulate some thots on toh infinity train au 😳 if u can
HM. i will do my best. but...i dont really know how to organize my thoughts.  i guess i should probably just start with the characters and go from there, huh. also in this particular au these characters don’t actually take the place of tulip, lake, jesse, grace, etc- i think they’re all just there under different circumstances. 
Luz
okay so we’ll start with Luz because. she’s the main character, y’know. very important. i think the catalyst that brings her to the train is her mother signing her up for Reality Check summer camp because as a creative it’s just! disheartening to have someone you love tell you that you’re not going to make it in this world if you don’t conform to what everyone else wants. so of course when a huge mysterious locomotive suddenly pulls up to the bus stop you KNOW luz gets on, no hesitation. after all, isn’t that something right out of a sci-fi adventure novel? 
unlike tulip, luz is THRILLED to find herself on some unknowable train where each car is a new adventure just waiting to happen, where there are always new friends to make, new places to see, and tons of puzzles to solve? she’s made to feel like the protagonist right out one of her fave animes. 
also, really important to note that her number is probably tied to how she relates to the other passengers on the train. i feel like there’s an overarching theme in the show about how luz is going through a lot of firsts when it comes to interpersonal relationships, especially friendships, so i wanted to keep that going in this au- i imagine her number goes up when she finds her friends tapes and convinces them to watch with her because this is obviously the easiest and most straightforward way to get to know them! (luz poppin that bad boy into a vcr player: this mama is ready for trauma!) 
realized how wordy this is going to be LOL
Eda
hough so this is a human au also (i assume? infinity train world really do be existing in some limbo state of reality where your reflection can just up and ditch you). i see her as a jack of all trades, master of none type, with a lean towards perfumes and handmade soaps that she sells at fairs or farmers markets and also pickpocketing. i think she sees something that reminds her of the life she used to have/would have had before lilith [redacted because i do not know what she DID yet but on GOD we will have canon continuity] and that drives her to get on the next train headed anywhere.
her number is tied to how much she allows herself to open up; the more she uses her salesman cover to keep others at arms length, the higher her number goes, which is why it’s so important for her to team up with King and Luz; they help her open up and be more honest with herself.  
King
king is actually a denizen of the train in this au; i love him too much to turn him into a real ass dog, so i wont. eda meets him in a car full of plush toys, which he refers to lovingly as his army of the damned. i almost want to hold off on writing up any more for him because i know there’s more to king’s character than meets the eye. still torn between eda trying to bring him off the train with her or having him realize that the whole TRAIN is HIS KINGDOM, and all its passengers loyal peons who need their mighty rulers HELP, for without him they would PERISH.
for now though eda sees him and is immediately like get over here (reaching emoji) 
Willow 
willow is a tough one for me because in all honesty having your longtime friend tell you out of the blue that they can’t be friends with you anymore would be enough to send me packing to the train, but with willow i think it’s less about amity and more about how the fallout between them affects her social and academic success. the frustration reaches a tipping point that has her running out of the classroom and finding the train. 
and yes, willow is a very sensible, bright girl, but she was also SO ready to trick the principle and steal from the emperor for her friend so i don’t think getting on a mystery train is wholly out of the question for her, y’know? 
There’s a lot about repression in the way willow deals with things generally, so her number is tied to passivity. the more she allows others to infringe on her personal boundaries to keep them placated, the higher her number goes. when she stands up for herself to others (sometimes even her friends!) the number goes up. willow x agency and clear limitations is my otp
Gus
gus was actually a SUPER easy one for me we know so much about him from the episodes he’s been in; he’s an overachiever, he’s passionate about what he loves, he’s a natural showman, and he is constantly pushing himself to be the best that he can be, all the time. the hustle doesn’t STOP for gus, and i...i...(tears up) 
anyways, i think the thing that draws him to the train is getting suddenly ousted from the club he formed at school. he’s young, and having everyone you had assumed were your friends turn their back on you and throw you out of the space that you CREATED FOR THEM would be shocking to anyone, but it broke gus’ heart clean in two. after he’d picked his bag and himself up off the hallway floor, he’d left the building in a daze, not even realizing as he boarded the train door that had suddenly opened up in front of him until it was too late. 
i’m actually going to go so far as to say that gus would likely be the one MOST interested in the truth of the train- he’d be asking the tough questions, like what is the purpose of the train? who made it and its technology? where does it exist that it can be both at his school and also speeding across a barren desert landscape at the same time? How does it create sentient lifeforms? the train helps him discover a new passion; journalism. he finds a journal that speaks to him as a friend and advisor in one of the trains, and he takes careful note of everything that happens to and around him. by the time he meets up with willow, he’s got so many ideas and theories that the other girl would have never thought to consider until that very moment. 
idk what his number relates to because he’s perfect the way he is but if i had to take a shot in the dark it probably has something to do with finding somewhere he feels he can belong, as well as being able to mourn and let go of the people he’d considered his friends before he’d gotten on the train. 
sorry this is so long i just have a lot of . gus feelings. 
Amity ( + Edric + Emira )
lumping these whites together 
okay so nobody wants to hear me talk about blight angst there are 800 posts about blight angst, so long story short the three siblings run away, get into an argument with each other, amity ditches them for the train while they’re asleep, and the twins panic and chase after her, determined to find her because in the end they’re all they’ve got. 
‘next stop: amity blight’ 
i think it’d be a cool journey to see the three of them going from ‘we need to be together out of necessity’ to ‘we need to be together because we love each other, and that genuine support structure will pull us through when everything else fails.’ but in order for that to happen they all have to have their own journey, so at some point edric and emira finally get into a spat and that’s enough to get edric and emira stuck on opposite ends of a retracting bridge. send that mans to the BACK of the train. 
emira: my greatest fear is being stuck with edric forever emira: (gets separated from edric)  emira: haha wait please say psyche
amity’s number is definitely tied to her fear of failure, of not being enough for the people she holds closest to her- in this case her siblings, and then lilith, and then luz when they finally meet. when she acts without concern for what the people around her think and when she sticks up for what she knows is right, even when the majority is against her, her number goes down. 
for ed and em im...i don’t want to think about their feelings because they’re supposed to be clowns but i am forced to consider that they may be jealous of their sisters independence. also separating them means they both have to take responsibility for all their own actions and choices, which is probably pretty new for the twins. 
Lilith 
im out of energy actually znzzzsnsz uh. estranged sister who sees something that reminds her of the relationship she used to have and she’s not actually as over it as she thought so the train....she..hghrg
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slippery-minghus · 2 years
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sooooo i still need to process and sit with it but i just talked to my mom again and fuckin shit i'm back on the fence about cutting contact. i want to. so bad. but she made an effort today in a way she hasn't since the time before last that i saw her. she's doing a lot better mental health-wise than she has in a while, and she sincerely apologized for the harm she caused while raising me. and she said she owes me so much for how much i've helped her learn and heal over these past years. she's saying all the right things.
and she mentioned that she's afraid i'm going to cut her off like i have my dad... and respected when i got clearly uncomfortable and said i wasn't ready to talk about it. which. i know my not wanting to talk about it is an answer in and of itself. but... she respected it. and recognized that she had crossed a boundary.
i'm trying really hard to reign in my emotions right now because i feel like they're just going to get in the way, but i really want to cry. i'm frustrated because i want to just cut and run. talking has never worked. except, in some ways it kinda has. slowly, and messily, but it has? and that she brought it up, and respected my boundary... maybe the variables have changed. she of course dropped the bomb that it would kill her if i cut her off, because she always drops that bomb, but for the first time i feel like i was respected when it came to this topic.
and i'm just pissed and frankly hurting because No! i've closed my heart! i don't want to explain myself again! i'm done! i've hurt too many times by her hand to go through this again. i've given so many chances and i just don't have anything left in my soul to give...
but i'm starting to actually allow the thought that maybe i do need to give one more. i don't know if for my sake or hers. i don't know what boundaries to lay. and like it always has, the thought of not cutting off fully feels like the ultimate self betrayal... but if i can have a good relationship with my mom???
i don't want to do the work but do i owe it to myself to do it anyway? i don't want to do it for her. i've done enough for her. it has to be purely for myself and that's why this decision is so hard. i'm so painfully independent because of my mom. and i can't help but feel like giving her another chance is just going to be me walking down the path that will lead me straight back to the crossroads. and i feel like such a pathetic idiot for going back and forth on this so hard, and allowing myself to be swayed by her behavior. because "what if this time" but... maybe... what if this time? if i cave now is the cycle doomed to continue? will i regret not getting out while i could?
i don't want to get hurt again, and i'm terrified to take the risk, even if maybe this time i wont be hurt.
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uwumessenger · 4 years
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I saw you watched Haikyuu and played Obey Me. I was wondering what the demon brothers think of an MC that plays volleyball? You can pick what position they play. Keep up the great work💕💖
ooo interesting ! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 
i may have been just a tad bit extra with these but i also ended up keeping these more general so MC’s position on the team is whatever u as the reader want it to be~
Lucifer
confused as to why you like it but is willing to learn more about it bc ~must satisfy human to also satisfy diavolo~
he helps you start a volleyball team at RAD bc they dont have one yet
it’s co-ed for now, but later down the road there’s enough members, organization, and structure for it to be separated into boys and girls teams
he’s sure to hold a straight face when you talk to him about volleyball or when he watches you play but is fanboying big time on the inside hehe
doesn’t understand the game but makes an effort to understand it, though he acts like he knows a lot about it when hes around you
secretly goes into the human world to watch the olympic volleyball team 
ends up becoming the manager for the team
kinda aggressive, the coach has to make him step outside sometimes
when you return to the human world he is sure to keep the RAD team intact
also is sure to attend all of your games no matter what
at first he is super chill but eventually turns into a very loud and passionate fan of your team LOL
Mammon
he doesnt make an effort to understand the game on his own time. learns how it works by watching you and your games (ngl that’s how i learned too)
also picks up insight on volleyball whenever he listens to you talk about it
acts bored during those conversations but his brain is taking lots of mental notes bc it’s something you really like
ends up never fully understanding how it works but knows enough about volleyball to gAMBLE
definitely forces levi to make bets with him, but he always supports your team when doing so
will try to give you tips and find ways to cheat for you to win or do better
and he knows that you wont actually do what he says but finds it funny when you do something ridiculous during practice out of the blue
when you go back to the human world he still bothers you with out-of-this-world pointers
if he cant make it to one of your games (usually bc he has no way to get to the human world) he will record his reactions and commentary then send it to you
totally didnt steal that idea from levi
Levi
he has probably watched the demon-anime-equivalent of haikyuu!!
understands the game very well bc of that
but since the game is super over-exaggerated in the anime hes lowkey disappointed when he watches a real game (is even more disappointed when he watches humans play bc they’re not as powerful as demons)
so he likes to try out the moves he sees in the anime with you and mammon when you’re practicing on your own time
when it’s a game day he’s dressed head to toe in your team’s merch, ready to cheer you on!
of course, at first he doesn’t wanna go bc ew crowds ew major social setting ew oTHER BEINGS
cheers very passionately and puts other cheer squads to shame with his energy
livestreams EVERYTHING and by everything i mean only your plays and lowkey irritates the others bc he constantly interviews them
when you go back to the human world he always records his reactions and commentary, sometimes with mammon or asmo, and SPAMS you with them
but he gets to go to your games most of the time and never forgets his fans and glow sticks!!
Satan
immediately studies the game and its culture
he asks you questions and is openly curious about it around you
you demonstrate how the different positions work but go in depth on your position specifically
when he watches you his eyes are literally sparkling lol
he thinks it’s super cool that he’s learning about a real human sport from you
eventually becomes a manager for the team like lucifer, and takes lots of notes about what he observes, and his input becomes valuable and crucial to the team
rare moment when they get along but definitely fight for the bench when it comes to really big games
also likes practicing with you when you need independent practice before a big game or tournament bc of how serious and intense he can be
when watching your games in the human world he still takes notes and shares them with you as well as the RAD team
will bring numerous stress balls to squeeze to those games just in case so he doesnt um kill the ref or opposing team if they piss him off
Asmo
simply wants to know if people who play volleyball are as good looking as you ;)
he doesnt understand why you’re into something that makes you sweaty and gross while you could be doing something else
but also thinks you’re really hot when you’re playing heheh
doesn’t really make an effort to teach himself about how the game works but he knows to cheer by reading the expressions on your face
unlike most of the others he doesnt stick around when you’re practicing
throws a lot of pre-game parties but doesnt allow anyone who supports your opposing team to join
dresses up for games like levi, but is much more stylish with it
designed the RAD team uniforms and jackets/sweatshirts
after returning to the human world he secretly designs new swag for your team and is overjoyed when you guys use it !!
sometimes he watches your games with levi and sends you a cute selfie when you score a point
Beel
excited bc it’s a SPORT
can talk about it with you for h o u r s. he’s really curious about how you play!
lots of working out and practicing together, mainly focuses on helping with your stamina
really good at blocking tbh so if you’re into spiking like hinata he’s a great person to practice with
doesn’t show up to all of your practices bc he has his own team sport to focus on but will sneak a peek every now and then to see how you’re doing
since it’s not a sport that has weight/height classes he doesnt understand when you diet every now and then in addition to your training
but he always goes to the games to cheer you on with the others since you always pull up to his
when it comes time to go back to the human world he promises to attend as many of your games as he can
and he does!! if he cant go it’s for a legitimate reason
even while you’re apart he’s still very encouraging and admires your skill and perseverance
Belphie
wonders how you have the energy to play such an intense game, especially since there’s really no strict time limit like taekwondo
but he does make an effort to understand how the game works so he can keep up with you when you talk about your practices or games
watches the demon-anime-equivalent of haikyuu with levi to understand it more
goes to your practices every now and then and will fall asleep sometimes, unless it’s a super intense practice game, then he’ll watch
he thinks you’re really fun to watch in action, and attends all your games
makes sure you’re always well rested and that you don’t overwork yourself no matter what
even when you go back to the human world he checks in on you when he knows you have games or long practice days
also he has 10/10 fallen asleep while snuggling a volleyball and thinking of you. so YAYAYAY congrats, MC, he associates you w/ volleyballs and thinks they’re comforting until he watches a game and sees you get hit hARD in the face
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vivithefolle · 4 years
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“Hermione, you may be good at feelings and stuff...”
I was going to post this but first I wanted to check if the title quote was accurate. As a result, I was redirected to this article on Google. I decided to postpone my fact-checking and publish this now because we need to demolish the utterly bullshit notion that “Hermione Granger is awesome at feelings”. Find the original answer on Quora here.
Hermione does understand human feelings - she’s not a robot, she’s not completely removed from human beings. Hermione can understand that someone is sad, or angry, or upset.
But too many people overestimate how good she is at feelings.
Hermione reads as that person who’s just read a psychology book and is now trying to psychoanalyse everyone around them because They Have The Knowledge Now:
‘Look,' said Hermione patiently, ‘it’s always you who gets all the attention, you know it is. I know it’s not your fault,' she added quickly, seeing Harry open his mouth furiously, ‘I know you don’t ask for it ... but – well – you know, Ron’s got all those brothers to compete against at home, and you’re his best friend, and you’re really famous – he’s always shunted to one side whenever people see you, and he puts up with it, and he never mentions it, but I suppose this is just one time too many ...'
That famous argument Hermione unknowingly prolongs!
There’s something we have to remember about this: we, as readers, could witness Ron and Harry’s argument firsthand.
We, as readers, are limited to Harry’s POV, but that POV also allows us to know a fair few things about Harry and how he sees the world.
“Listen,” said Harry, “I didn’t put my name in the goblet. Someone else must’ve done it.” Ron raised his eyebrows. “What would they do that for?” “I dunno,” said Harry. He felt it would sound very melodramatic to say, “To kill me.” Ron’s eyebrows rose so high that they were in danger of disappearing into his hair. “It’s okay, you know, you can tell me the truth,” he said.
Here, we’re the only ones privy to a specific thought Harry is having -
He felt it would sound very melodramatic to say, “To kill me.”
Which allows us to go “damn it Harry, there’s been no less than four attempts on your life already, Ron being privy to no less than three of them, what makes it melodramatic this time and this time only?”
Then we read this:
Ron’s eyebrows rose so high that they were in danger of disappearing into his hair. “It’s okay, you know, you can tell me the truth,” he said.
And we’re like “god damnit Ron, he’s telling you the truth!! Why won’t you believe him when the past three years you’ve basically accepted anything Harry told you as being the truth??” (granted it is good that Ron thinks for himself, being an independant human being and all, but boy did he pick a terrible time for it)
And so when this happens:
“Yeah, okay,” said Ron, in exactly the same skeptical tone as Cedric. “Only you said this morning you’d have done it last night, and no one would’ve seen you… I’m not stupid you know.” “You’re giving a good impression of it,” Harry snapped. “Yeah?” said Ron, and there was no trace of grin, forced or otherwise on his face now.
We’re left saying “Noooooooo! This could all have been avoided had Harry and Ron partaken in a mutual agreement to properly communicate their feelings!!”
As readers, we witnessed the fight firsthand. We were in Harry’s head. But we were not in Ron’s.
We have Harry’s feelings on the matter; we don’t have Ron’s. But if we carefully read Ron’s lines, we can get an idea.
“Well… no one else got across the Age Line,” said Ron. “Not even Fred and George. What did you use --- the Invisibility Cloak?” “The Invisibility Cloak wouldn’t have got me over that line,” said Harry slowly. “Oh right,” said Ron. “I thought you might’ve told me if it was the cloak… because it would��ve covered both of us, wouldn’t it? But you found another way, did you?”
So, Ron is immediately working off the assumption that Harry did get past the Age Line. That he did manage to trick the Goblet into accepting his name.
Again, as readers, we know that this isn’t the case, since Mad-Eye Fakey explained to us that the Goblet may have been Confunded… But we’re readers. We accompany Harry and see everything he goes through. We know the Goblet was Confunded, something Albus Dumbledore hadn’t thought of or even saw coming. How can we expect Ron, a fourteen-years old boy with much less experience and knowledge than a man more than a century old, to deduce that the Goblet was Confunded?
So, Ron is working off his assumptions, and since he only knows the Goblet as “an impartial judge that is made of magic and is always correct”, he can only assume that Harry found a way to get his name in it.
And, interesting thing, Harry doesn’t deny it.
“The Invisibility Cloak wouldn’t have got me over that line,” said Harry slowly.
There’s nothing about “I didn’t put my name in the Goblet” here. Harry just tells Ron that the Invisibility Cloak couldn’t have been used. But he doesn’t deny Ron’s accusation.
Therefore Ron’s belief that Harry did put his name in the Goblet is quickly reinforced. Harry didn’t deny anything.
And here we have the reason why Ron is angry:
“I thought you might’ve told me if it was the cloak… because it would’ve covered both of us, wouldn’t it? But you found another way, did you?”
Ron thinks that Harry went behind his back.
To us readers, who have followed Harry all this time, it’s a ridiculous notion. But Ron isn’t the reader, following Harry’s every step. To us readers, Ron is being unreasonable, but inside the story, Ron is working off the only things he has. And as Sherlock Holmes once said, "When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
And yes, we as readers think it would be impossible for Harry to betray Ron… Just like we once thought that Scabbers was a normal rat until we read the third book, just like we thought the Heir of Slytherin must have been a Slytherin until it turned out to be a Slytherin and his Gryffindor puppet, just like we thought that Snape was trying to kill Harry when it was really Quirrel.
You see? You see how it works? Ron isn’t privy to what we know. Ron can’t come to our conclusions because Ron didn’t know. He couldn’t know.
… Goddamnit I keep getting sidetracked -
So anyway!! Ron couldn’t know because Ron isn’t the reader blah blah blah the same thing works for Hermione also!!
Hermione wasn’t privy to Ron and Harry’s argument, the way we readers were!
Hermione was left to work off, you know it, assumptions!
‘Look,' said Hermione patiently, ‘it’s always you who gets all the attention, you know it is. I know it’s not your fault,' she added quickly, seeing Harry open his mouth furiously, ‘I know you don’t ask for it... but – well – you know, Ron’s got all those brothers to compete against at home, and you’re his best friend, and you’re really famous – he’s always shunted to one side whenever people see you, and he puts up with it, and he never mentions it, but I suppose this is just one time too many...'
The bolded parts, I think, are things Ron himself confided in Hermione.
Hermione is an only child, she wouldn’t realize that there is such a thing as “competition between brothers”. She may have one day asked Ron why he was so difficult with Percy, and Ron told her about how he dislikes Percy’s attitude and how it makes him feel so much more pressured to live up to his brothers, etc.
Or they could have talked together about Harry like they’re wont to do, and as Hermione confides her jealousy when it comes to Harry’s ease in Defense Against The Dark Arts, Ron confides in how he wishes he could be popular and cool, the way Harry is.
Hermione didn’t mean to prolong Harry and Ron’s argument; she just worked off her assumptions, and just like Ron when he’s working off his own assumptions, got it wrong.
Then, another instance of Hermione-the-aspiring-psychologist happens in Order of the Phoenix:
“Don't you understand how Cho's feeling at the moment?" she asked. "No," said Ron and Harry together. Hermione sighed and laid down her quill. "Well, obviously, she's feeling very sad, because of Cedric dying. Then I expect she's feeling confused because she liked Cedric and now she likes Harry, and she can't work out who she likes best. Then she'll be feeling guilty, thinking it's an insult to Cedric's memory to be kissing Harry at all, and she'll be worrying about what everyone else might say about her if she starts going out with Harry. And she probably can't work out what her feelings toward Harry are anyway, because he was the one who was with Cedric when Cedric died, so that's all very mixed up and painful. Oh, and she's afraid she's going to be thrown off the Ravenclaw Quidditch team because she's been flying so badly." A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode.”
Just look at that! Am I reading Harry Potter or Psychology Today?
Well, obviously, she's feeling very sad, because of Cedric dying.
Yeah, I think Harry and Ron can figure that one for themselves, thanks.
Then I expect she's feeling confused because she liked Cedric and now she likes Harry, and she can't work out who she likes best.
This kind of echoes Hermione’s situation with Viktor and Ron. Swap the names and you can see that Hermione wouldn’t have to think too much to imagine how Cho would feel.
Then she'll be feeling guilty, thinking it's an insult to Cedric's memory to be kissing Harry at all
I suspect that Hermione might feel guilty for her kiss with Viktor, not because she feels it’s an insult to Ron - he hadn’t really gone out of his way to make his feelings for her known until after the Ball, after all - but she may be feeling guilty for stringing Krum along. Although the fact that she’s also using Krum’s name to bait Ron into a jealous rage later in that scene shows that if she feels guilty, she certainly isn’t letting it stop her from playing mind-games with Ron.
and she'll be worrying about what everyone else might say about her if she starts going out with Harry
They’re at a school after all, the rumor mill goes fast. Hermione herself was victim of it last year when Rita Skeeter slandered her and made her look like she played with both Harry and Krum’s heart. She speaks from experience there.
And she probably can't work out what her feelings toward Harry are anyway, because he was the one who was with Cedric when Cedric died, so that's all very mixed up and painful.
I love the “so that's all very mixed up and painful”, understatement of the century!
Oh, and she's afraid she's going to be thrown off the Ravenclaw Quidditch team because she's been flying so badly
……….. I doubt Cho was thinking about that when she was kissing Harry, though. Why would she think about Quidditch when she’s doing… something completely unrelated?
And then we get to the famous
A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode." "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione nastily, picking up her her quill again.
(why have Romione shippers latched onto this quote, it’s here, it’s clearly written “nastily”, why do you guys act like it’s awesome or cute or witty when it’s just plain mean)
Anyway when Ron is saying
"One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode."
He’s actually right.
Because what has Cho been doing all that time?
Crying.
What has Harry been doing all throughout the book?
Yelling, screaming, being generally aggressive.
Cho is bursting into tears. Harry is exploding in anger.
Ron is right: one person can’t feel all that at once. They get overwhelmed, and so they do something, anything to get those feelings out. Because our brains can only handle so much repression and bullshit, they have to let loose sometimes.
Hermione’s analysis is partially right, because she has been somewhat in Cho’s situation and she can relate somewhat.
You’ll notice that she makes no mention of Cho’s desperate desire to know what happened to Cedric, or of the need for closure. That’s because Hermione can’t relate to this side of Cho’s feelings.
In Half-Blood Prince, we get another very “Hermione reads Psychology Today” moment:
“I’d much rather have Tonks in the family,” said Ginny. “At least she’s a laugh.” “She hasn’t been much of a laugh lately,” said Ron. “Every time I’ve seen her she’s looked more like Moaning Myrtle.” “That’s not fair,” snapped Hermione. “She still hasn’t got over what happened…you know… I mean, he was her cousin!” Harry’s heart sank. They had arrived at Sirius. He picked up a fork and began shovelling scrambled eggs into his mouth, hoping to deflect any invitation to join in this part of the conversation. “Tonks and Sirius barely knew each other!” said Ron. “Sirius was in Azkaban half her life and before that their families never met –“ “That’s not the point,” said Hermione. “She thinks it was her fault he died!” “How does she work that one out?” asked Harry, in spite of himself. “Well, she was fighting Bellatrix Lestrange, wasn’t she? I think she feels that if only she had finished her off, Bellatrix couldn’t have killed Sirius.” “That’s stupid,” said Ron. “It’s survivor’s guilt,” said Hermione. “I know Lupin’s tried to talk her round, but she’s still really down. She’s actually having trouble with her Metamorphosing!”
The end of the book eventually reveals that Tonks was pining for Lupin all this time. Whether or not you ship it is irrelevant in this case, what is interesting is Hermione’s analysis.
“She hasn’t been much of a laugh lately,” said Ron. “Every time I’ve seen her she’s looked more like Moaning Myrtle.” “That’s not fair,” snapped Hermione.
So, obviously, it wouldn’t be Hermione if she didn’t have a go at Ron for being “insensitive” first - not caring that Ron might just be making an observation and not a criticism of Tonks’ character.
“She still hasn’t got over what happened…you know… I mean, he was her cousin!” […] “Tonks and Sirius barely knew each other!” said Ron. “Sirius was in Azkaban half her life and before that their families never met –“ “That’s not the point,” said Hermione.
… well actually Hermione, yes, that’s exactly the point. Ron logically points out that Tonks might not really have been very attached to Sirius, simply because she didn’t know him very well. And he’s right! We have another example of a character who doesn’t feel much about people he’s “meant” to grieve: Harry himself!
Harry doesn’t really feel a sense of loss regarding his parents. He doesn’t miss them. He never really knew them. He idealizes them, sure. He imagines what they did based on pictures of them, yes. But he doesn’t feel their loss like he feels Sirius’ death, for example; and that’s normal, because he has no memory of them, and therefore has no feelings associated with them! That’s a tragedy in itself, of course. But Harry doesn’t suffer from his parents’ loss as much as, say, Ron will suffer from Fred’s death. Because Ron has known Fred his whole life; Ron has countless memories of Fred; Ron can truly, really miss the person Fred was. Harry can only miss the idea he has of his parents.
Aaaanyway I’ve gotten off-topic -
“She thinks it was her fault he died!” “How does she work that one out?” asked Harry, in spite of himself. “Well, she was fighting Bellatrix Lestrange, wasn’t she? I think she feels that if only she had finished her off, Bellatrix couldn’t have killed Sirius.” “That’s stupid,” said Ron. “It’s survivor’s guilt,” said Hermione.
Oh, look at that! A term found in psychology books!
“It’s survivor’s guilt,” said Hermione.
Hermione’s theory assumes a few things:
that Tonks had a very strong relationship with Sirius (Hermione justifies this one by claiming that they’re cousins, ignoring that you can very well have cousins that you never meet even once for several reasons)
that Tonks would feel personally responsible for Sirius’ death, instead of knowing it was a distinct possibility (she’s an Auror after all)
Hermione believes she’s found an explanation to Tonks’ depressed mood in the form of survivor’s guilt; she doesn’t reach a conclusion based on her observations, she instead takes a possible conclusion and then extrapolates arguments that fit in with said conclusion. Sherlock Holmes would be having a fit if he saw her reasoning.
So, that was the “Hermione has read one psychology book and now she thinks she’s unlocked every secret of the human psyche” explanation…
But we’re still lacking a key part of Hermione’s character that also causes her trouble when it comes to people’s feelings: the “I-won’t-say-I-told-you-so-but-actually-yes-I-will”.
The biggest, and most famous, instance of it happens in Prisoner of Azkaban:
“What’s the matter, Lavender?” said Hermione anxiously as she, Harry, and Ron went to join the group. “She got a letter from home this morning,” Parvati whispered. “It’s her rabbit, Binky. He’s been killed by a fox.” “Oh,” said Hermione, “I’m sorry, Lavender.” “I should have known!” said Lavender tragically. “You know what day it is?” “Er —” “The sixteenth of October! ‘That thing you’re dreading, it will happen on the sixteenth of October!’ Remember? [Trelawney] was right, she was right!” The whole class was gathered around Lavender now. Seamus shook his head seriously. Hermione hesitated; then she said, “You — you were dreading Binky being killed by a fox?” “Well, not necessarily by a fox,” said Lavender, looking up at Hermione with streaming eyes, “but I was obviously dreading him dying, wasn’t I?” “Oh,” said Hermione. She paused again. Then — “Was Binky an old rabbit?” “N-no!” sobbed Lavender. “H-he was only a baby!” Parvati tightened her arm around Lavender’s shoulders. “But then, why would you dread him dying?” said Hermione. Parvati glared at her. “Well, look at it logically,” said Hermione, turning to the rest of the group. “I mean, Binky didn’t even die today, did he? Lavender just got the news today —” Lavender wailed loudly “– and she can’t have been dreading it, because it’s come as a real shock —” “Don’t mind Hermione, Lavender,” said Ron loudly, “she doesn’t think other people’s pets matter very much.”
Here we see Hermione’s problem in all its glory: she’s more interested in being right than in being kind.
While the narrative appears to look down on Lavender at first -
“I should have known!” said Lavender tragically. “You know what day it is?”
“Tragically” brings to mind the idea that Lavender is being theatric. Dramatic. That she’s overplaying it. At least, it is the impression I get from the use of that praticular adverb.
But subtle judgement aside, the narrative then brings up Lavender’s very real tears, showing that, dramatization aside, she is hurting:
looking up at Hermione with streaming eyes
“N-no!” sobbed Lavender. “H-he was only a baby!”
Lavender wailed loudly
Through this, Hermione just ploughs on with her logical analysis, completely ignoring poor Lavender’s reactions and feelings, until Ron thankfully shuts her down with a well-earned rebuttal.
Hermione wanted to be right. Hermione wanted to prove to everyone that Divination was rubbish because Hermione hated the subject. And while her logical arguments are all true and have credible basis, the fact remains that she’s being awful.
Lavender looked for sympathy, for warmth, for comfort. And for the most part, she had it.
But Hermione couldn’t resist the possibility of proving that Divination was fake. The moment Lavender mentionned Divination, it was all over: Hermione just couldn’t miss on the golden opportunity to “disprove” Trelawney’s prediction… using Lavender’s pain as her springboard.
Another example of Hermione enforcing her beliefs on others regardless of their feelings or opinions is when she goes full Jehovah Witness on the poor house-elves in Goblet of Fire. Who would have thought that house-elves didn’t like to be told they were brainwashed fools who couldn’t even notice they were enslaved by wizards?
Then we have, of course, Half-Blood Prince. Oh, Half-Blood Prince.
“I won’t say ‘I told you so,’” said Hermione, an hour later in the common room. “Leave it, Hermione,” said Ron angrily. Harry had never made it to dinner; he had no appetite at all. He had just finished telling Ron, Hermione, and Ginny what had happened, not that there seemed to have been much need. […] “I told you there was something wrong with that Prince person,” Hermione said, evidently unable to stop herself. “And I was right, wasn’t I.” “No, I don’t think you were,” said Harry stubbornly.
There’s a whole fantastic analysis of this scene right here so I won’t rehash it: all you need to know is that Hermione is more interested in being told she’s right than in how Harry, her SUPPOSED BEST FRIEND, is feeling.
I mean, seriously, the “teaspoon” himself has picked up on it:
“Leave it, Hermione,” said Ron angrily.
Now let’s remember how Harry was feeling…
“SECTUMSEMPRA!” bellowed Harry from the floor, waving his wand wildly. Blood spurted from Malfoy’s face and chest as though he had been slashed with an invisible sword. He staggered backward and collapsed onto the waterlogged floor with a great splash, his wand falling from his limp right hand. “No—” gasped Harry. Slipping and staggering, Harry got to his feet and plunged toward Malfoy, whose face was now shining scarlet, his white hands scrabbling at his blood-soaked chest. “No—I didn’t—” Harry did not know what he was saying; he fell to his knees beside Malfoy, who was shaking uncontrollably in a pool of his own blood. Moaning Myrtle let out a deafening scream: “MURDER! MURDER IN THE BATHROOM! MURDER!” The door banged open behind Harry and he looked up, terrified: Snape had burst into the room, his face livid. Pushing Harry roughly aside, he knelt over Malfoy, drew his wand, and traced it over the deep wounds Harry’s curse had made, muttering an incantation that sounded almost like song. The flow of blood seemed to ease; Snape wiped the residue from Malfoy’s face and repeated his spell. Now the wounds seemed to be knitting. Harry was still watching, horrified by what he had done, barely aware that he too was soaked in blood and water. Moaning Myrtle was still sobbing and wailing overhead. When Snape had performed his countercurse for the third time, he half-lifted Malfoy into a standing position.
Yeah, I reckon Harry is feeling terrible enough.
There’s no need to rub salt in the wound. Harry is well-aware that he screwed up big time, and his friends know it. They won’t chew Harry out, because they know he’s already kicking himself for his use of Sectumsempra.
Well, Ron and Ginny won’t, but Hermione, oh well, she’s got an opportunity to become the best at Potions again, so she is going to make the most of it.
“I don’t believe this,” said Hermione. “You’re actually defending —” “I’m not defending what I did!” said Harry quickly. “I wish I hadn’t done it, and not just because I’ve got about a dozen detentions. You know I wouldn’t’ve used a spell like that, not even on Malfoy, but you can’t blame the Prince, he hadn’t written ‘try this out, it’s really good’ — he was just making notes for himself, wasn’t he, not for anyone else...” “Are you telling me,” said Hermione, “that you’re going to go back — ?” “And get the book? Yeah, I am,” said Harry forcefully. “Listen, without the Prince I’d never have won the Felix Felicis. I’d never have known how to save Ron from poisoning, I’d never have —” “— got a reputation for Potions brilliance you don’t deserve,” said Hermione nastily.
This last line? This last line is very revealing of Hermione and her character.
She can't stand not being on top.
Sure, she’s nice and clever and she fights for justice. Until she is the one being subjected to it.
“If you ask me,” said Harry quietly, “McLaggen looks like he was Confunded this morning. And he was standing right in front of where you were sitting.” Hermione blushed. “Oh, all right then, I did it,” she whispered. "But you should have heard the way he was talking about Ron and Ginny! Anyway, he's got a nasty temper, you saw how he reacted when he didn't get in--you wouldn't have wanted someone like that on the team.” “No,” said Harry. “No, I suppose that's true. But wasn't that dishonest, Hermione? I mean, you're a prefect, aren't you?” “Oh, be quiet,” she snapped, as he smirked.
Notice how Hermione reacts. Harry is smirking, obviously amused by Hermione breaking the rules for her own gains - he may be thinking something along the lines of “ha, I’m a bad influence on her”. But Hermione? She snaps at him. She’s not amused at all. This is not a moment of camaraderie or complicity: she’s offended. She’s offended, because she knows he has a point. Hermione is interested in justice and fairness and equality, as long as she gets to be above it all.
She looked scandalized. Bending low so that only Harry could hear her, she hissed, “You should be expelled for that. I'd never have believed it of you, Harry!” “Look who's talking,” he whispered back. “Confunded anyone lately?” She stormed up the table away from them. Harry watched her go without regret. Hermione had never really understood what a serious business Quidditch was.
Gasp! A valid point! How dare you!
Sure, Hermione likes her friends. Hermione cares for her friends. Hermione wants the best for her friends.
But ultimately, she likes herself more. She has more consideration for herself than for her friends. And she wants the best for her friends, but only if she gets to be better than them.
It’s quite natural for a teenager, and especially for someone as driven by success as Hermione is, to have such an attitude. She thinks her academical success is the most important thing about her, and she can’t stand to lose it, because it means that she’s not important anymore. Hermione wants to be important, wants to be relied on, wants to be known as “the clever one”, because she desperately needs this sort of validation. If she has to ostracize her peers for it, fine; at least she still is praised for being the best.
Alright. Now, I wasn’t completely done with Half-Blood Prince.
“I told you there was something wrong with that Prince person,” Hermione said, evidently unable to stop herself. “And I was right, wasn’t I.” “No, I don’t think you were,” said Harry stubbornly.
… fast-forward to the day right before Dumbledore’s burial.
[Hermione mentions Snape to Harry]
She looked nervous even saying the name again. “What about him?” asked Harry heavily, slumping back in his chair. “Well, it’s just that I was sort of right about the Half-Blood Prince business,” she said tentatively.
DEAR LORD WHY IS THIS GIRL PRAISED FOR BEING A BOOKWORM WHEN SHE CAN’T EVEN READ A MOOD I get why I call Hermione a bitch now; indeed, she’s like a dog with a bone, she never lets go.
“D’you have to rub it in, Hermione? How d’you think I feel about that now?” “No—no—Harry, I didn’t mean that!” she said hastily, looking around to check that they were not being overheard.
Well you didn’t mean that but you certainly managed to make him feel terrible so congrats. Why do they call you the brightest witch of your age again?
“It’s just that I was right about Eileen Prince once owning the book. You see… she was Snape’s mother!”
Yes, yes, we get it, you were right, you were right, you were right, here’s your biscuit. Now you mind going away before you cause Harry to spiral in depression even more?
“I thought she wasn’t much of a looker,” said Ron.
Good old Ron, trying to make people laugh even in the direst situations. We don’t deserve him.
Hermione ignored him.
Especially you.
“I was going through the rest of the old Prophets and there was a tiny announcement about Eileen Prince marrying a man called Tobias Snape, and then later an announcement saying that she’d given birth to a—” “—murderer,” spat Harry. “Well… yes,” said Hermione. “So… I was sort of right. Snape must have been proud of being “half a Prince”, you see? Tobias Snape was a Muggle from what it said in the Prophet—” “Yeah, that fits,” said Harry. “He’d play up the pure-blood side so he could get in with Lucius Malfoy and the rest of them… he’s just like Voldemort. Pure-blood mother, Muggle father… ashamed of his parentage, trying to make himself feared using the Dark Arts, gave himself an impressive new name—Lord Voldemort—the Half-Blood Prince—how could Dumbledore have missed—?” He broke off, looking out of the window. He could not stop himself dwelling upon Dumbledore’s inexcusable trust in Snape… but as Hermione had just inadvertently reminded him, he, Harry, had been taken in just the same… in spite of the increasing nastiness of those scribbled spells, he had refused to believe ill of the boy who had been so clever, who had helped him so much…
Okay let’s see.
In one conversation.
Hermione says “I was right” no less than three times.
Every time she does so, Harry’s mood takes another nosedive. (And some people want Harry and Hermione together?? Do you folks even read???)
And guess who is the one who has the cleverness to change the subject before Harry flings himself out aforementioned window?
[…] he had refused to believe ill of the boy who had been so clever, who had helped him so much… Helped him… it was an almost unendurable thought, now… “I still don’t get why he didn’t turn you in for using that book,” said Ron. “He must’ve known where you were getting it all from.”
THANK GOD FOR RON, THERE ACTUALLY IS SOMEONE HERE WHO HAS A BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS
this is totally a demarcation line shut up
Saying that Hermione doesn’t understand human feelings would be false. Hermione does understand emotions, but she tends to overestimate how much she does.
Hermione tries to analyze other people’s feelings through projection of her own and simple logic. But feelings are one of those things that you can’t really use logic on. Trying to explain a person’s feelings with logic will often get you angry, defensive responses, but Hermione can’t resist; she has to be right, all the time, and she wants people to know she’s right.
All in all, Hermione would rather voice her opinion and be ostracized than maintain a diplomatic atmosphere.
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How would RO react to / deal with a MC with a terminal illness? I want to finish with a broken heart if it's not too much trouble!
Hmm, it's been a bit since I've written something that was sad haha. Maybe I can do it. Let's see.
E: Their grip on the metal railing of your hospital bed tightens as the news reaches both of your ears.
"A day...? No, that's..." E's voice quivers, "That's too short...!"
"We've never seen this illness before," the doctor explains at a loss, "Although we have our suspicions it's in part due to a S.T.E.M. pollutant. I have to be honest and say we have no possible way to combat something like this."
E looks to you, a sudden fearful realization streaking across their face. E's past confidence of your recovery collapses, and the outcome is like that of a dam bursting.
You feel droplets caress your cheeks like a gentle rain as E leans over the railing and touches their lips to yours.
E stays with you, awake for the rest of the night and into your final day without letting go of your hand. The tears have long since dried as your road reaches an end.
"I'm sorry...I thought I could protect you..." you feel one last droplet of water land on your cheek, and the grip on your hand tighten as their final plea reaches you in faint desperation, "Please...Don't go..."
R: They stand silent at your bedside for what seems like an hour after the doctor broke the news to the both of you. As they slowly sit down, they run a hand through their hair, which seems to have lost it's more luxurious shine in exchange for a pastel coloration.
R sighs heavily, whispering to themselves in a sudden bout of introspection, "How much more do I stand to lose...?"
They turn to you, forcing a charming smile on their face as best they can, "What's wrong? You're looking a little pale. Do I look that bad when I dont use conditioner?"
They spend time through the night and into the morning sitting beside your bed, talking and sharing stories with you to keep your mind wandering and a smile present on your face.
Its soon, you realize, that you'll reach your end. R seems to understand it well, too, and their smile wavers for a second. "Hey, captain. You know when we first met, on the train? I cheated on a lot of the card games we played. It was- Hey," They gently take your hand, the smile now clearly forces as a tear stain streaks down their face, "Dont leave yet. I haven't finished the story. It's bad manners to-" they feel your grip slowly fade, and they realize the rest of their words wont reach you. They stand for what seems like an hour, looking down at you.
"Captain...I got a favor to ask. Please take care of my sister when you get there. Shes always been easily frightened."
L: The news hits L, like a weight, causing them to collapse back down in their seat. Their eyes are bloodshot from several days without rest, and you can see deep calluses on their normally pristine fingers.
L has spent countless hours devising a means of combating the sudden onset of the illness that hospitalized you. The culmination of their work was already used to treat you. The treatment was ultimately ineffective.
"I...I'm sorry." Is the first words that escape L's mouth, "I should have foreseen this. I should have worked harder to save you. I..." They suck in air, their body shaking with the onset of racking sobs, "I failed you...when you needed me most, I failed...I'm so sorry..."
They grip themselves, and it takes a long time for them to compose themselves. Wiping their tear stained cheeks, they look away guiltily, "I apologize, turning the subject of conversation towards me when you're..." they almost dont want to acknowledge your condition, for fear it may hasten the process. They gather a notepad and a pen, and take a seat next to you. "In Hospur, there is a tradition of memorializing loved ones by documenting their last moments. I know this is a selfish request...but please allow me to eternalize you in writing..."
You and L spend the night and into the next day talking and sharing experiences, every bit on the conversation written diligently into the notebook. L rests the notebook on their lap with slight hesitation. They understand what it would mean to finalize the document, but you both have come to an unspoken understanding that your time is only moments away.
L gently places the pen into your hand, trying stawartly to keep from crying as they explain to you. "The last thing written is always from the subject."
You begin writing slowly, the ink cascading across the paper in smooth, shallow arcs. As your consciousness fades, the writing dims, until eventually the pen rests at a standstill on the edge of the paper. L grips the pen and paper with extreme delicacy, as if handling a prized treasure, and looks over the document. They're unable to contain the inevitable fit of sobbing as they reach your writing, small droplets landing on the edges of the paper and slightly staining the ink.
"I can never repay this...Thank you..."
V: they stand rigidly at attention by your bedside as the news is broken to both of you. No questions were asked by the soldier as they evaluated the information given.
"A day." V repeats, "A day..." they stare down at their hands, slowly counting down before reaching a single digit on their finger. They stare at their hand momentarily before closing it into a full fist, the pure tension of the grip causing it to shake before suddenly opening their hand.
"Why?"
They seem to be directing the question at no one in particular, but the word still bounces around the room. Why this? Why now? The situation provides many questions, but it's now that V attempts to recognize an answer for themself, and when none come, they turn to you.
"I'm not ready. Commander, I need training. Let's train." They lean over the railing, their grip on the bar tightening, "Teach me. One day. We have one day. Tell me how to think alone."
The two of you spend the night and into the day relaying partial philosophical topics directed to the development of independent thought.
"I need...a goal...To establish a want...An independent motive...A drive..." V repeats the concepts slowly. Time seems to slip away as the two of you further your contemplation, but its soon you realize you'll reach the end of the road. V seems to understand much the same as they witness your shift away from consciousness. They grip your arm like a steel vice, "It hasn't been a day yet. I still dont know. You can't leave yet. Commander, I..." for a brief moment you see a brief expression of fear flash across their face, "I dont know what to do."
Their grip on you doesnt lessen as you pass, and V stands rigidly while staring down at your calmed passing expression. Eventually, their hand slowly loosens its grip, and the brief stirring of emotion is once again replaced by the familiar hollow mask.
"Commander...what do I do...without you?"
P: Their grip tightens on the collar of the doctor's jacket, their voice shaking with barely tempered rage, "No cure? What the hell do you mean theres no cure?! You call yourself a doctor?!" They seem about ready to strike the doctor, but at the last second they loosen their grip. As the doctor retreats hastily from the room, P slumps in the chair beside your bed and runs a hand down their face.
The room is silent; a feeling of momentary purgatory hangs in the atmosphere. The next time P speaks, its through the hand covering their mouth. "Look what you've gotten yourself into this time, dumbass...You couldn't-" you hear a subtle break in their voice, and P quickly runs their arm over their eyes as they change the topic.
You spend the rest of the night and into the morning bouncing from subject to subject, sometimes retracing the conversation back to a moment where P almost says something, then retracts the statement. You both come to the realization that your moment is near, and you feel a desperate grip on your collar pull you forward slightly.
Hey, hey! You're not supposed to leave yet, dumbass! Why are you-" their voice cracks again and you see water well up in the deep blue pools of their eyes, but this time they dont attempt to wipe them away. "Why are you leaving, dumbass? What happened to keeping your promise? Huh?!" They grip you tighter as your consciousness fades, as if letting go would be the reason for your passing.
Eventually, P realizes you've left. Their grip releases slowly, and they stare at their hand in shock. They begin to shake violently, and their foot kicks out, landing solidly on the monitor placed next to you. The loud crashing of metal landing against polished tile rings out through the hallways.
"Damn it...Damn it!" P throws a vase of flowers against the wall and looses their anger on anything not nailed to the floor. By the end of their rampage, charred scrap litter the floor and walls, and they're breathing heavily from the exertion.
But their rage only solidifies the pain.
"Damn it..." P collapses to their knees. "Damn it..."
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sentofight · 3 years
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[ ours aren't a ship ( yet ? ) but drops velvet & rokurou for the ship meme iF THAT'S OKAY ]
Send me a ship and i'll rate it | accepting | @lunaetis
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vomit / don’t ship / ok / cute / adorable / sexy/ perfect / beyond flawless / hot damn / screaming and crying /i will ship them in hell
[[i love rokurou and velvet’s dynamic but there are a lot of things to work on before they can hit it off, of course saying this as general. rokurou was the first person to support velvet in her crazy endeavor and didnt judge her so thats kind of softu spot you know. he looks after her when she tries to chew more than she can. i love me battle couples!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i said it needs a lot of work because velvet has a lot of barriers around her and frankly rokurou could not be bothered to dive into these barriers if he was not interested in her as woman. (she kind of told him she is not of the legal age so thats hmmm point lmao he is a daemon but he wont try anything inappropriate lmao ) aaaa idk how to explain this properly but he needs MOTIVE ! his motive to help her is to repay his debt and thru that fight shigure. but loving her hmmm what can he gain from that?? what she can gain from loving him? 
they are like independent and strong so they will clash from time to time because they are headstrong about their opinions and rokurou being a yaksha does not help at all. rokurou is not shy to be sweet but can velvet open up and accept that side from rokurou? can she allow someone in her life? i am here for someone like rokurou nonchalantly break someone’s world because lol why sad? just relax dude. enjoy life. be you. and velvet just ???? so alien to her. 
i just want them to develop each other and not just be one side tugging match, you know??? this is just general again aaa i dont like when people just assume rokurou will do anything. he got a limit to his interest and velvet so far as a person, as the lord of calamity has kept it piqued at all times because she always chose the interesting options. if she was not willing to lower some barriers down for him to cross over i think he will get tired and bored. it might be fun at first to poke at her but like gets boring if she wont allow for a change to happen. 
excuse me to rant but aaaaaaaaaaaaa rokuvel was one of my favorite ships because slfkjdklgjdf he got her back and just always tries to cheer her up in his own way. accepted her as the way she is, velvet is velvet and he respects that about her. i can safely say it takes some effort to get rokurou to respect and acknowledge someone and she made him think that in a short time so thats a point. plus it is nice that she just accepted him for who he is too and not judged his love for fighting and drink. idk wat im talking about now but heho they are cool but suffering noises vely should give the man a chance to sneak up on her kokoro lmao. 
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eggyolk-eyoqy · 3 years
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im sick and tired of having to see discourse abt kaeluc luckae whatever the hell you want to call it bc as someone who likes both kaeya and diluc and is chinese and adopted i have to see so much of it so here are my two cents on it.
(very long bc its all the thoughts that have been stewing in my brain since i found out there was disk horse)
for context before we begin: i am chinese adopted by a chinese family living outside of china (my grandparents grew up in china). i have combed through diluc and kaeya’s dialogue, voice-over lines, and character stories multiple times and in multiple different languages, independently of the disk horse simply bc they’re both on my team and i like them a lot as a result. ive spent tons of effort trying to make sense of both character’s personalities, their conflicts, and what their motivations are.
ok lets start here. how do i view kaeya and diluc? as adopted siblings. why? less serious answer: because im adopted and there are already at least two adopted characters in the game so why not bring it to three. more serious/genuine answer: i personally think kaeya being adopted is very essential to understanding his character and how he views his relationship with mondstadt. i know everyone gets up in arms over the two-character chinese word “sworn brothers/adopted brothers” but even if they were to omit that line entirely, kaeya’s story is very reliant on him seeing the ragnvindrs as his family and a direct contrast to his birth father. here’s how i see it: kaeya was taken in and raised by crepus after appearing at dawn winery. it’s perfectly reasonable for kaeya to see crepus as his father and diluc as his brother. if i were in kaeya’s position, dropped in a whole new country with nothing but the clothes on my back and i was taken in my a dude and his son, that would surely be like my birth family to me.
now, i have read the chinese version, and from what i can see all the words they use to describe crepus and diluc in relation to kaeya are pretty vague (as far as i can tell). the phrase “sworn brothers,” while it refers to a popular bl trope, does also have the meaning of a literal adopted brother. the word used to refer to crepus could mean “adopted father” or “father in law.” (in japanese and korean, they use the exact same words in both instances, no real change.) if im gonna be honest? i think that’s intentional. the devs/writers specifically leave their relationship vague so it can be interpreted by fans however they like; because after all genshin is a gatcha games and partially relies on fan attachment to characters in order to profit. by inviting fans to choose their kind of relationship -> fans dont feel alienated or “wrong” -> more fans who are willing to whale for them or create fan content that will promote their game. im no marketing major so take this with a grain of salt but ive always felt that this was a plausible explanation for why there’s no definite answer and it all seems so vague.
so, do i give a fuck if a random given person on the internet ships them romantically? no. im not paid enough to. do i give a fuck if someone who ships them romantically follows me? no, as long as they dont come onto my kaeya and diluc content deliberately talking abt them in a romantic sense as i make it clear i dont like it. (essentially, “you’re welcome to stay here but idk how much of my content you’re gonna care for.”) “but tumblr user nowwhywouldyoudothat!” you say, “you just reblogged gen art from an artist who ships kaeluc!” i am also not paid enough to do a background check and every simple lovely general art i see of these two. i wont ever reblog anything thats inherently romantic for the two since i dont like it, and why would i reblog things i dont like? i will simply ignore that artist’s ship art and just enjoy the single gen art that i just reblogged. its simple.
this is already crazy long and i might have haphazardly explained things and ill clarify them if anyone even reads this lol. but basically, my bottom line is i dislike kaeluc as a romantic ship and think its strange and weird and i dont get it. when i create something about the two, i make sure to note that it is not intended to be romantic. i dont care if someone who does ship them interacts with it, so long as they arent going “KYAA I SHIP THEM SO MUCH” in the comments of my fic that examines their relationship as brothers. at the end of the day, its pixels on a screen, its not that deep. i am begging genshin fans to stop telling ppl to kill themselves or send death threats or doxx ppl over ships. you’re allowed to disagree with/dislike ships, problematic or not, but please at least act like normal human beings when doing so.
so yeah. thats it. a whole ass essay abt discourse. ive always wanted to say it but i never had enough word count lol or organization.
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