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brummiereader · 9 months

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Hopelessly Devoted (PART THREE)

Summary: After the previous day's events relentlessly play out in your head you come to the realisation it's time to move on from any hopes you had of rekindling your relationship with Tommy. But just as you decided to turn the page, Tommy's thoughts begin to be plagued by the past. His attempts at confessing how he really feels short lived when he discovers he has been betrayed on the day his plan to take out Billy Kimber falls apart.

Warnings: Language, angst, mutual pining

Authors note: The song Y/N sings is "Where have all the flowers gone" covered by Olivia Newton-John.

" Shit..." you said as you looked in your bathroom mirror dabbing the cut on your throat with a cotton ball doused in alcohol as you glanced down at your trembling hand, quickly grabbing it with the other to stop the shaking as your frustration with the constant nerves engulfing your every waking breath refused to relent. Walking over to your bed you sat down as tears began to form in the corner of your eyes. How was there even any left? You thought to yourself as you rested your head in your hand, exhausted from another night of almost no sleep. Biting the corner of your mouth you gave up letting the tears fall down your arm as the previous day's events played out in your head, tormenting you over and over again at the bitter pill you had finally forced yourself to swallow. This was it. I'ts over, there was no point in trying to kid yourself into thinking otherwise. Tommy may not have said the words to you himself but Kimber's men had made it clear to you of his feelings when they had a knife pushed up against your neck threatening your life. He was protecting the new barmaid he had known for five minutes by giving your name so freely, putting you in harm's way, the woman he had known his whole life the same woman he once wanted to marry at all cost. You thought to yourself as you glanced at his pocket watch sitting on your bedside table, glaring at it as if he had returned his love back to you, discarding anything he once felt for you like he had with your own feelings for him. Standing up you wiped your tears away as you straightened your body out trying to regain some sort of control over your emotions. Would he even care if you told him what happened when you left the Garrison? What did it even matter, you quickly determined. You had no intentions of telling him, you would not let him think you needed his protection, have him pity you, have him believe you couldn't fend for yourself. You was on your own now that much was clear, his feelings towards you finally understood when he replaced the one thing you never thought he would with such disregard and heartlessness. If Tommy was moving on it was time you did the same. No more tears no more day dreaming of what could have been. From this day forward you promised yourself not to let the heartbreak he had caused you drag you down any further. New me, new start. You mentally hummed to yourself like a mantra as you looked in the mirror hanging on the wall, holding up the burgundy dress you had picked out against your body. "Fuck him" you said as you nodded at your reflection, reassuring yourself on the hardest decision you had ever made. Grace can have him, good luck to her.

" Where is she?" Tommy huffed as he loomed over the large table in the room adjacent to the betting shop as his family looked on shrugging their shoulders. " I dont have fucking time to wait around for her shit" Tommy said as he pulled out his new pocket watch, the weight of it not feeling the same, the shape of it not sitting in his hand how he liked how he had become accustomed to.

" Yes your relentless brooding over her is not obvious at all" Polly uttered quietly under her breath as she licked her finger, turning the page of the newspaper in front of her as Arthur and John sniggered at eachother.

" What's that, hm?" Tommy said as he leaned forward his eyes darting between the three of them as Arthur put his hands up in defence unable to hold back the laugh he had been trying to keep in. You were getting under his skin, and Arthur found it the most comical thing he witnessed all week.

" Sorry brother" Arthur said as he sniffed back his laughs clearing his throat. "But she always has had you by your balls. Not that you'll ever admit it" Arthur snickered as the whole room let out a burst of small laughs whilst Tommy's face twisted in anger. There was nothing more loving than teasing a family member in the Shelby house.

" Right you all done? " he said pointing at everyone as he pulled his pocket watch out to check the time again " Five minutes" he mumbled as he clenched his jaw. " I'll fire every single one of you" Tommy muttered as he sat down in his chair with a huff.

" Alright now that you've had your little temper tantrum can we get to business. And she's ten minutes late not five" Polly said taking a sip of tea, a smile on her lips as she watched the realisation on Tommy's face. His watch for the first time in ten years was on time. Fuck. He had become so used to it being five minutes late he would plan all his meetings around the little habit you had started ten years ago, never bothering to or wanting to turn it to the right time. Except this time you was ten minutes late. Just as Tommy was about to get into another rant about your tardiness the sound of your heels echoing loudly though the betting shop had everyone but Tommy turn their head.

"Fabulous" Polly mouthed to you when you walked into the room, motioning up and down with her hand at your outfit as Tommy's head nearly flew of his neck when he turned to face John and the wolf whistle he had just sent your way.

"There she is" Arthur said, sending you a wink of approval as you strutted through the room with a new air of confidence passing by Tommy as he finally turned his head to you. Looking you up and down Tommy cleared his throat as he shifted in his seat hitching his trousers further up, his eyes widening as he looked you over. Was this for his benefit or everyone else's he wondered as he looked at the way your dress hugged every curve of your body, every curve he could never keep his hands off.

" You're late" he said as his eyes pierced into you, piercing through that fucking dress you had decided to wear to make him jealous, to torment him. He thought to himself as he tried to stay composed, tried to stop himself from saying something he would regret.

" Oh am I?" you replied nonchalantly as you pulled a chair out from the side, scrapping it along the floor to the opposite end of the end of table. " Only five minutes though" you said sitting down, having not once looked at him since you entered the room.

" Ten" Tommy replied as he leaned his elbow on the arm of his chair, his fingers resting in front of his lips as he watched you brush your hair behind your shoulder. Something was different. And since when did you start wearing dresses like that? Tommy thought to himself when he suddenly determined you had a new man. His only evidence being that dress he couldn't keep his eyes off and the small remark you made the other day about your relationship being over, a remark that had been playing on his mind ever since. His eyes still boring into you, Tommy quickly decided he'd find the bastard you was dating and rip his throat out for daring to go near you. Had everyone forgotten the warning he had given?

" Replaced that too I see" you said finally looking up as your eyes locked onto each others, a smirk on you lips as you enjoyed your new founded confidence. Last night's events had finally given you the push you needed, the wake up call you had been longing for.

"Shall we start" Polly said as everyone else who had been watching your interactions finally shifted their eyes away from the palpable tension between you. Nodding his head Tommy lit a cigarette shaking the flame from the match as he continued to watch you in the corner of his eye.

All throughout the meeting you could feel the heat of his glare burning into your cheeks with every minute that passed whilst you constantly fidgeted in your chair, desperately wanting to free yourself from his incessant stare. Your confidence was back but not enough to face his piercing blue eyes that he enjoyed watching you squirm under and the foul mood he had forced you and everyone else to endure. As for Tommy he had no interest in what his family had to stay. Instead he was more concerned as to what had you looking so pleased with yourself so poised, a far cry from how you had been in recent years. His concerns only heightened when John went over dates for an event Tommy had planned for everyone in celebration. A celebration for what, nobody new yet.

"Talked with Aunt Pol, only date free is February the fifteenth, in a month's time for your...whatever it is" John said chewing on the end of his pencil as he squinted at his handwriting on the piece of paper in front of him. " No the sixteenth" he said looking up as Polly rolled her eyes.

" The nineteenth" she said as she shook her head at her nephew whilst John shrugged his shoulders replacing the pencil in his mouth with a toothpick.

" Right yeh, fine" Tommy said as he mentally went through the dates in his head, hoping his plans in a week's time would go the way he wanted to actually have something to celebrate about. "Y/N you gonna write that down?" he said looking to you as he tapped his fingers on the table trying to gain your attention.

" I can't come" you said as you finished writing in your notebook finally looking up to see the irritation growing in Tommy's face.

" It's a company gathering. You don't have a choice. Moving on..." Tommy said as he flicked his ash into the glass dish beside him as he lent back into his chair.

" I'm not obligated. It wasn't in my contract" you said as you crossed your arms.

" You don't have a contract" Tommy scoffed as he rubbed his brow in frustration.

" Well I want one, that way I know exactly where I stand"

"Think you're making it pretty clear were you stand sweetheart" Tommy said as you glared at him. " So what is it that has you so busy you can't come, care to share it with us?"

" I have plans with someone" you lied. In truth, you didn't have any reason to not got to Tommy's event. You just didn't want to, knowing you wouldn't be able to endure another evening watching him with her again.

"You have plans with someone in a month's time? Who?" Tommy asked stubbing out his cigarette getting annoyed with your short response" With who Y/N?"

" What's it got to do with you?"

" Another man, is that it hm? You fuckin..."

" Right think we're done ay" Arthur said standing up as he clapped his hands together cutting Tommy off in attempt to break the tension before a slagging match ensued between you both. Staring eachother down you was the first to get up, briskly walking away with a scowl on your face as Tommy brushed his hand down his face.

" See that fucking attitude I have to deal with?" Tommy said as he stood up turning to Arthur. It wasn't the first spat you had ever had in front of everyone but it had been the first time in a long time that you finally bit back at his words, catching him of guard.

" Wonder where she learnt that?" Arthur said as he placed his hand on Tommy's shoulder before walking off with a smirk on his face.

" I won't stand for this kind of attitude in a work place! Hey, you all listening to me?" Tommy shouted as he turned to everyone in the betting office and their weak attempts to hide the amusement on their faces.

" We hear you baby brother!" Arthur called out as he grabbed his hat walking out the door. Clearly everyone was mad at him, mad at the way he had treated you the previous evening in the Garrison . But Tommy was just as mad at himself for letting the events play out. He felt blindsided by Grace's gift. He needed you to know that, he needed you to know the last thing he wanted was to be parted from it.

It had been a few hours since the meeting when the tension between you and Tommy had almost turned into a full blown argument one that potentially had the chance of you launching anything you could find at him. Thankfully Arthur had intervened, stopping you from embarrassing yourselves in front of the whole betting shop. For the remainder of the day you had stayed out of each others way letting your anger towards one another simmer down. But an hour before closing time Tommy had called you into his office. His plan was to apologise for the previous evening, albeit in a cold uniquely Tommy way. But nonetheless he felt guilty for what had happened last night. Little did he know, he was only going to make things worse. As you entered his office Tommy looked up from the various papers on his desk to the scowl still spread across your face. You was clearly still mad at him, did he really think he could just apologise and his cruel actions would be forgotten?

" Hand me my diary" he asked as he rubbed his forefinger above his top lip watching you as you crossed your arms in frustration. Did he seriously ask you in here to fetch his diary for him ? You thought to yourself as you stormed over to the shelves behind him as he cleared his throat reaching for the pack of cigarettes on his desk. Slamming it on the table in front of him you started to walk off when he grabbed your arm stopping you.

" I need you to write down the dates John gave at the meeting" he said as he looked up at you and the storm of anger building in your face.

" You couldn't have done that yourself?"

" Forgot them" he said as he picked up a pencil handing it to you.

" You never forget anything Thomas Shelby" you snapped back grabbing the pencil from his hand as you started turning the pages, a little huff leaving your throat that Tommy couldn't help but smile at. " What's this?" you asked pointing at a black star one week from today.

" The day I finish my dealings with Kimber. The dates" he said nodding at the book, lighting a cigarette as your hand wavered over the paper at the confirmation from Tommy himself that what Kimber's men had said yesterday when they had you pushed up against the brick wall behind your home was Indeed true. Turning the page a sudden surge of discomfort started to build within you, a discomfort you hadn't felt since he left for France. He was putting his life at risk once again, and the only reaction you had was worry, worry that he wouldn't come back from it. " There" you said quietly, pushing the book towards him as you turned to leave.

" Y/N' wait" Tommy said as he stood up walking over to you." The other day at the Garrison...the pocket watch i didn't want to.."

" Just stop Tommy" you said as put your hand up cutting him off " We've both moved on, why hold onto the past right? " you added as Tommy let out a deep sigh whilst you turned your head away from him avoiding as much eye contact as you possibly could.

" That's the thing, I never mov... What's that?" He said as he moved your hair away from your neck, you body flinching as his thumb rubbed along the small knife mark on your skin. " Y/N who did that to you?" Tommy said, his voice getting lower as a surge of anger started to course through him.

" It's nothing Tommy"

" Nothing? You're lying" he replied with a scoff as he moved your hair away again, ducking his head down to to get a better look when you swatted his hand away. " Looks like someone had a knife to your throat" he said as he let his hand drop to his side, fury rising within him at the mere thought of someone hurting you.

" Don't be ridiculous. I was cutting my hair and nipped my skin. Why do you care anyway?"

"You never was very good at lying Y/N" Tommy said huffing as he watched you bite the corner of you bottom lip whilst you fidgeted in place. " And you really think I stopped caring about you?"

" Yes" you said as the words caught in your throat, tears welling in your eyes as you spun around to the door not wanting him to see you like this. His pity was the last thing you needed to add to you ever growing list of reasons to feel insecure.

" Y/N wait, I need to know what happened " he said as he tried to turn you around but stopped as you shrugged him off you, opening the door then slamming it shut behind you.

" Fuck sake" Tommy muttered under his breath as he watched you return to your desk through the window of his office. There was no way he would let this slide. You was clearly lying to him and he was determined to find out why.

As closing time approached you picked up your belongings when your movements had Tommy who was deep in thought abruptly stand up grabbing his coat and hat. If he was coming out here to bombard you with questions as to what happened he could forget it. You thought to yourself as you hurried to the door hearing him call your name. "Fucking door" you mumbled, pulling at the handle trying to open it as you looked over your shoulder to see Tommy heading your way, luck finally falling upon you when John stopped him putting the book of takings in front of him. Open, open, open! You thought as you rattled the handle pulling it back and forth when the door suddenly opened with ease and Grace walked in.

" Y/N" she said as she looked you over, taking in your reddened face from your efforts, a small chuckle leaving her lips. " Came to surprise Tommy after work" she said as she continued to stand in your way.

" How lovely" you said sarcastically as you tried to push past her when she put her hand on your arm.

" I know about that old pocket watch you gave Tommy all those years ago" she said looking at you. " Best you let go off the past, after all Tommy said it was only a silly little teen fling" she said with a small smile.

" Fling?" You repeated taken aback by what she had just said, what Tommy had said to her.

" Childhood sweethearts never last Y/N, don't be naive" She said in a mocking tone, belittling you without an ounce of shame at her hurtful choice of words. What were you saying, what had she said? Tommy panicked as John continued to bother him with the takings of the day. As your head turned to face him, Tommy swallowed harshly at the sight of a tear falling down your cheek.

" Let her go Tommy" Grace said placing both her hands on his chest as he walked over to where you had been standing, watching you storm out onto the streets of Watery Lane as the door closed behind you.

A fling, a fucking fling. He once asked you to marry him, promised to spend the rest of his life with you, her words couldn't have cut deeper if they tried. Let them have eachother. You thought to yourself as you clutched your coat around you heading for home, back to the four walls where you knew you would ultimately fall apart once again, your new founded confidence short-lived your own promises discarded, dwindling down into a pile of self-doubt and surrender after Graces cruel remarks. Could things get any worse?

One week later..

Today was black star day, the day Tommy planned to take out Billy Kimber and all of his dealings. Sitting in the corner of the Garrison nursing the drink you had ordered over an hour ago you glanced over to see Tommy and Grace standing behind the bar pouring drinks for his men, undoubtedly to numb any nerves that threatened to appear risking the plan Tommy had been preparing meticulously for weeks. Lifting his head from the glass of stout he was pouring Tommy caught your eye. It was the first time in almost a week you had looked each others way, anything you had to say to one another was passed on to anyone in the betting shop that was willing and had the patience to deal with both of your stubbornness. But today was different and Tommy couldn't help but notice the way you was looking at him, the same way you looked at him as you both waited on the platform for the train to arrive and take him and all of the other men saying goodbye to their loved ones off to war. The only difference between them and you was you had barely uttered a word to eachother, his final goodbye before he boarded a quick peck to your cheek.

And as if you had been transported back five years, tears started to form in your eyes as you abruptly stood up leaving the Garrison like you did when Tommy stepped on the train not once looking back, leaving you alone and heartbroken. What you didn't know was, Tommy did look back. He pushed his way past all the other men in the carriage in search of a free window shouting your name as he desperately tried to get a glimpse of you one last time before he left for war.

"Y/N!" Tommy shouted as he grabbed his coat and hat racing out of the Garrison. He wouldn't let what happened on that platform five years ago play out again.

" Tommy wait! What are you doing?" Grace called out after him as she watched the Garrison doors close behind him. " Why does he always go after her? He doesn't even love her anymore" she seethed as she looked to Arthur who raised his brow downing the rest of his drink.

" Doesn't love her? He's a stubborn bastard but he never stopped Grace" Arthur said as he walked away leaving her fuming at Tommy's unrelenting devotion to you.

"Where have all the young men gone,

long time ago?

Where have all the young men gone?

Gone to soldiers, every one..."

You sang, tears streaming your cheeks as you sat by your little brother Georgie's gravestone, his life taken like so many others during an air raid. Wiping your tears you continued to sing as if time had stood still and you was back in 1916 sitting on the grass in the only place you felt peace and calm, waiting for the men you loved so much to return from war.

" Do you still sing that song for me?" Tommy said as he slowly approached you, afraid you'd stop.

" Leave me alone Tommy" you sniffed as you stood up brushing the remaining tears away from your cheeks, looking out at Small Heath in the distance.

" We live in the same town, work in the same place. I can't...I don't want to" He said as he stepped closer wanting to reach out to you, wanting to hold you in his arms like he should have done all those years ago.

" Yes, Tommy Shelby doesn't care what anybody else wants, what anybody else asks does he? you replied misunderstanding the meaning behind his words. " Why did you follow me?" you sighed picking up the dead flowers by Georgie's grave as you turned around making you way down the hill not wanting to even wait for his response when Tommy put his arm out, stopping you from walking any further.

" You were crying" he replied feeling like a teen boy again stuck on what he really wanted to say. " Y/N I.." Tommy sighed as he brought his thumb up, brushing it down your cheek. " I knew you would come up here" he said, his hand dropping from your face as he abandoned the small speech he had prepared as he made his way to the cemetery to find you.

" Crying, I've been crying for five years, only now you notice?!" you scoffed pushing past him.

" Oh I noticed, its not like you try and hide it, do you? " Always pushing it in my face, have you forgotten who's fault this all is, eh?" Tommy said as his stance stiffened, his coldness towards you making a swift return when you didn't respond to his veiled attempts to be tender with you.

" Here I almost forgot. Throw it in the cut like you did everything else when you came back from France, like you did my heart. After all it was just a fling " you said storming back to him as you pulled his pocket watch out of your coat, shoving it into his hands.

" A fling? Y/N!" Tommy called out furrowing his brow as he watched you run down the hill. "You broke my heart first, you fucking broke mine first!" Tommy shouted back taking his cap off as he brushed his hands through his hair. " Fuck!" He yelled throwing his hat onto the grass as Jeremiah and Arthur came running up the hill.

" Tommy!" Arthur shouted as his brother turned around to face them, brushing his eyes with the back of his hand.

" What? What is it?" Tommy sniffed as his eyes darted between them both. "Well?"

"Tell him what you just told me" Arthur said breathlessly as he turned to Jeremiah stood beside him.

" Just heard there's to van's driving up the Stratford Road. An old Corporal of mine said he recognised some of the men..he said it's the Kimber boys"

"Ada wake up! You and the baby get into the ball ring where there's lots of people" Tommy said as he stormed through their house on Watery Lane as Arthur, Jeremiah and his son Isaiah followed behind him.

" What's going on?" Polly said as she took in Tommy's panicked state.

"We've been fucking betrayed" he replied rubbing his forehead. " Someone let slip. Kimber's men are on their way here" Tommy said as he paced the room back and forth.

" Yeh but you can handle them Tommy" Polly said having confidence that her nephew had another plan if something like this was to to happen.

"It's just us. All the Lee's are on their way to Worcester, we're outnumbered" Tommy said as the realisation his plan had fallen apart started to sink in. "Fuck!" he shouted as he slammed his hands down onto the top of a cabinet, the pictures and ornaments rattling from the force of his outburst.

"Who else knew today was the day you was moving on Kimber? You said you kept it a secret who else did you tell? " Polly questioned as Tommy leaned his weight on the mahogany wood, clenching his jaw at what Isaiah had told him before they had all entered the house.

" Isaiah" Tommy said as he turned his head to the young Blinder. " Tell them what you just told me"

" Tom, I don't think she was..." he said as he stepped forward when his boss cut him off.

" Tell them!" Tommy shouted turning around, his patience wearing so thin he was close to loosing any self-control he had left.

" The other day I saw Y/N with Kimber's men in the alley way behind her place. I thought she'd come to you and tell you herself. Tom they look like they roughed her up " he said as Tommy scoffed at his remark.

" Nah I don't believe it. Y/N would never..." Arthur said when Tommy interrupted.

" Betray me? She fucking hates me, you've all seen it " he replied raising his brow as he stepped closer to his older brother. " You've always stuck up for her, but she did this, she threw us under the bus. All of us, even you Arthur" he said pointing his finger in his older brothers face.

" I'd back away if I was you Tommy, because this time I won't let you win baby brother" Arthur said pushing him in the chest away from him. " We've known her since we were bloody kids. Y/N would never betray this family, she's one of us" Arthur concluded as he walked away grabbing the bottle of whisky on the table, pouring himself a full glass before he too lost control of his temper.

" Tommy that girls been devoted to you the moment she met you, you're blinded by your bitterness towards her. Did you not tell anyone else? Polly asked as Tommy shook his head forgetting or ignoring the fact he had, the very same person who had written it in his diary. No, Tommy's sights were set on you, only you could have done this only you could have betrayed him.

NEXT PART

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chrisgetsmewet · 3 months

Text

I can count on you

Matt × fem!reader

A/n - i personaly think this isn't gonna be that good i was just listening to lil peep and thought of it also this might be short.

Summary - matt tells y/n to call him whenever things get hard at home.

Warning - family abuse, abusive dad, angst, fluff at the end ig

Wasn't proofread!

I hear stumping coming to my room, quick movements really.

"where are they" my dad says bursting through my door.

I knew what he was talking about. He's and addict he doesn't stop doing drug's, smoking, and drinking. The thing is i don't care but when he does those things he is really abusive more then normal and my mom let's it happen.

"W-what are you talking about?" I play like im clueless but I'm sure it won't work.

In all reality im more scared then i put off, i think he could really hurt me if he wanted to he never has but if he wanted to he would. He is also really good at talking down on me belittling me in every way possible, everytime he got a chance.

"Dont play with me you little shit" the man walks over to me snatching me off my bed and grabbing a fist full of my hair "you're gonna tell me where you put it" he adds walking out the room to the kitchen practically dragging me.

I hold the hand he has on my hair "ow..ow..ow" i try and get out of his grip. Yeah thats not happening.

He pushes me in the living room and i stumble a bit. I turn around to face him crossing my arms looking to the side feeling a presence, a set of eyes looking at me. It's my mom just sitting there drinking a bottle of alcohol,switching in-between smoking and drinking.

"Where are my pills" the man says

I shrugg letting out a mumble "i don't know" i avoid eye contact as much as possible with him

I felt my mom staring at me from where she was sitting. She slouches back a little crossing her legs

"Y/n just tell your daddy where his shit is and you can go" she says

I hate that she calls him my dad, he is my dad but he definitely isn't a father figure and he ruined my childhood, they both did. But at the same time i wouldn't want anything bad to happen to either of them cause they're still my parents, but sometimes you get what you deserve.

He takes the bottle out of my moms hand and throws it against the wall near me, he lines other to me yanking my arm towards him "i couldn't hear you the first time, you were whispering. WHAT DID YOU SAY"

"It's gone.. " i chocked out, closing my eyes looking away from him. I felt him let go of me, i open my eyes he was stressing freaking like any person would but he was filled with rage, i knew it was bad when he started pacing back and forth. I could tell that all from his body language, but what i couldn't tell is what was gonna happen next.

"leave.. LEAVE GET OUT OF MY FACE BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP"

That was all he had to say i run to my room and i close the door. That's when it sets in 'i can't be here any longer i have to go until he's more calm' my brain wouldn't cut off non stop thoughts coming to my head. But the main one was text matt so thats what i do. So we can meet up, he'd want me to do that. We had this discussion, everytime something bad happens or im feeling down i can give him a call/text. So that's what im going to do.

Matt🎀🎀

To matt:

Hey can we meet up?

Sent 10:54 pm delivered

Matt??

Sent 10:55 pm seen

From matt:

Yeah. What's going on??

Sent 10:57pm seen

To matt:

I'll tell you when we get there.

Sent 10:58 pm seen

Matt's POV

I wonder what she needs to tell me. I dont get text like these often unless it's her being random or her wanting to go out for food. So it must be important about family or something sense we have to meet at the rooftop. I hope y/n is ok she never really likes talking about what goes on at home but i know it hurts her and it hurts me that people who are supposed to love you treats her like complete shit.

I was with chris watching a movie but he was sleep. So i thought. I got up quietly not to make a noise, so when the movie got loud thats when i made swift movements, getting my stuff and looking for the keys, the noise could be heard less sense the movie drowned it out. I found the keys

Before i left out i heard chris "where are you going?" He mumbled in a sleepy voice "late night drive" the excuse came straight to my head it wasn't technically a lie but it was definitely not the truth. I walk out of the room so no more questions can be asked. Sense after all he is still in the half alseep half awake state.

In the car half way there i think about what possibly could have happened and if she was truly ready to talk about it cause i gues y/n likes to seem like she's living a normal life but whatever goes on at home hurts her and she never cries about it but it's not best to bottle it up but i wouldn't wanna push her to anything she doesnt wanna talk about so i won't.

I stop for gas on the way over there cause i know the next morning. There won't be any, both chris and nick will give me shit for it but it's also gonna make me late which isn't what she probably needs right now

Back to y/n pov

I put my phone in my pocket and slip out the window. I walk to our place, where me and matt meet up, it's a roof of a hotel it's not a popular one so that's why we never get 'caught' i like it there cause there's a good view of people passing by and it's quiet and you're just there left with your thoughts and the cold breeze of boston.

I walked about 10 minutes to the rooftop waiting, walking around contemplating what i was gonna tell him, he knows about my family problems but I'd rather not relieve it and just be comforted but i don't wanna be an attention seeker or a disappointment like my dad says i am.

"Hey" matt walks over to me "hey" i reply it wasn't awkward i was just warming up to tell him what happend.

"So what's going on" he was trying to make conversation he does that a lot so it doesn't go quiet sense i find silence comforting and I'll forget why i was there to begin with also with his presence it's a lot more comforting.

"It's my parent's again" i avoid looking at him while explaining everything cause i learned not to cry over things like that because it's not gonna change anything.

"So i flushed my dad's pills and any drugs he had down the toilet cause he would get really violent when he had them so i thought i was doing the right thing but it just made him more mad and i.." i let out a breath before putting my head in my hands and collect my thoughts i was just exhausted

"It's ok, talk to me." He reaches over and ubs my back until i sit my head up ready to talk again

"Umm.. i don't really wanna go back home because ime scared and.." i bring my fingers to my mouth biting on my nails "i wanted to know if i could stay at you're house just for today"

"Yeah of course as long as you want" he brings me in for a hug and i hug him back almost immediately i really need a hug from someone that i know that cares about me i wonder how it feels to have parents that adored you since birth and loved you. It must be nice id never know of course cause my parents can't stay away from drugs or alcohol for a day without some how putting the blame on me. Youre the reason we're like this, you never do anyrhing but sit around acting usless, do better in school it's not that hard.

I feel something wet on my cheek i wipe my cheek and it was tears.great. i was crying and i didn't even know it that's the last thing i needed right now, i sniffle.

Matt pulls away from the hug looking at me "are you crying? Y/n it's not you're fault" he pulls me back in for a hug "you're gonna be ok." He let's go of me and sits down against the ledge around the rooftop and i sit down next to him leaning my head on his shoulder.

"Hey, matt.." i was waiting for his response "hmm" he replied attentively "would you say I'm an attention seeker" i can feel him move my head off his shoulder so he can look at me "no, not at all y/n where is this coming from" looking in my eyes as if he's looking for an answer "it's nothing" i clear my throat "can we go now"

I wait for him to get up so we can walk to the car together. We make our way off the roof by the little ladder it had going off the side and down to his car we get inside. "So you wanna get anything to eat" "no I'm fine". I lied. I wasn't fine but i really didn't wanna be a burden besides it was around 12pm and we had school the next day so by the grace of god he even saw my text message.

We made it to the house and it was quiet and dark the only light was the lamp that stayed on i only know that cause the tumes i stayed over on summer nights and wanted water in the middle of the night cause it was super hot.

I crept upstairs to the extra room it wasn't really an extra room it was just Justin there older brothers room.

"If you're not up bye tomorrow I'll tell everyone you stayed over. Also get me if you need anything. ok?"

"Sure thing" i nodd sitting on the bed looking where he was standing as he was closing the door i called his name "can you actually stay"

"Huh?" He called out with confusion in his voice

"I actually don't wanna be alone right now. So i was wkndering if you could stay" i was desperate but not trying to sound the part but i really needed comfort the hug he gave me earlier really made me see life was worth living and there is always gonna be light when it's dark you just gotta find it and i did.

"You sure??" conforming my offer I've never made before so im sure it caught him off guard.

"Yes. Please"

"OH!... i almsot forgot you can change into Justin's old clothes if you want" the brunette pointed over to his older brothers closet and dresser

I changed into a grey lacrosse T- shirt and some black sweats with a string to fasten the waistband i get in the bed matt was already laying in on his phone. It was honestly kinda strange it was like we were dating but we weren't but that feeling wasn't a new one. I've always felt that way with him he made it easy to get butterflies he was nice and respectful when he wanted to be that's what makes me like him so much but i never let those feelings tk the surface cause i can't mess up what i have just for something more.

He cuts his phone off "goodnight?"

"Night" i replied sluggishly and very tired

He's turned my way so i turn facing him and scoot closer so he can wrap his arm's around me. After all that is the real reason i wanted him to stay so i can be in his warm embrace like before cause it made me feel at ease.

The whole house was at peace unlike mine. Little creaks and wind blows from outside the house and cars passing by, the room half lit from the moon casting into the room i don't think neither me or matt was sleep i could tell from his breathing pattern. Not reay he would just move a little. The room was warm but cold breezes from the air conditioning cutting on every now and then. I feel a tug at my waist it was matt pulling me closer to him, i get comfortable with our bodies intertwined on the soft mattress beneath us. We were so close to eachother i could feel his warmth of his breath on me. It was a feeling of security after awhile i dozed off and im sure matt did too.

A/n: yep thats its🎀🎀 feed my delusions and tell me it's good even if tou dont agree

#sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #chris sturniolo #nick sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo imagines #matthew sturniolo

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justmeinatree · 10 months

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Hii! It's my birthday soon, would you be able to do a request for a Niall blurb? Along the lines of its the readers birthday, Niall cooks her breakfast in bed, gets her cool presents, just spoiling her? Can be fluffy or have hints of smut, whatever you feel comfortable writing!❤️

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL 🎈🎉

here’s a short blurby that i think suits today just right !

love you girlie, hope you enjoy !! ♥️✌️

GIF : unknown - pls msg for credit !

you groan, stuffing your face deeper into the pillows, any bit of light and sound making your already aching head literally pound.

you faintly hear the sound of niall flushing the toilet and walking back into the bedroom, a chuckle leaving his lips, “really dont handle your alcohol that well do ya, petal ?”

“fuck off,” you grumble, shuffling your arm up and flipping him off, “m’never drinking again.”

niall laughs louder, jumping onto the bed with you, trailing soft kisses over your exposed shoulder and neck, whispering against your ear, “happy birthday beautiful girl.”

you hum, shuffling yourself a bit closer to him, his warmth and comfort seemingly making your current state not seem so bad.

“v’got some pain pills and water for you,” he mumbles, continuing to peck his lips against your skin, his hand making its way under the blankets to rub your back soothingly.

“thank you,” you whisper, turning over to face him, puckering your lips for a kiss.

niall giggles, obliging, pressing his mouth to yours, lips slotting with your own.

you sigh happily into the kiss, cuddling more into him, your face burying itself in his neck, “how are you so chipper this morning ? you had more to drink than i did.”

“luck of the irish,” he chuckles, fingers running through your hair, massaging your scalp.

“hate you and your irish blood,” you giggle, breathing him in, the scent of your boyfriend soothing you.

“well i love you,” he laughs, head leaning against yours. “love you so much, v’already ordered breakfast from your favourite place. full english just for my beautiful petal on her birthday. it’ll help your head too, yeah ?”

you smile against his skin, pecking along his neck, “you’re the best niall. fuck, i love you so much.”

“i love you too, my birthday girl,” he hums quietly, smiling wide. “i have the perfect birthday day planned for us.”

you groan softly, biting your lip, “dont wanna move. the world is spinning.”

“complain, complain, complain,” niall jokes with you, shaking his head. “if you’d have asked, you’d know that i plan on ordering all of our food for delivery, so that we dont have to leave this bed. got all your favourite movies cued up on netflix too.”

you giggle, cuddling into him impossibly closer, “could not have asked for a better man. seriously niall, i’m not sure where i’d be without you.”

he shakes his head, pulling your face from his neck to kiss your lips again, “got it all wrong petal, i’m the lucky one. cant wait to spend another year of your life with you.”

……

Masterlist

#niall horan #niall horan fic #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan blurb #niall horan one shot #niall horan imagine #niall horan request #niall horan x reader #niall horan x you #niall horan writings #hello lovers #niall horan masterlist #niall horan fluff #one direction #writings #request #justmeinatree

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x-liv25-jamieswife · 1 month

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people's reaction to nash dying head canons

here is the last of my death reaction head canons (for now, i might do alisa and stuff at some point in time). not proof read so i apologize for any spelling mistakes.

avery: over the years, he's become like a brother to her. to her, it would be like mourning her sister. she'd start feeling lost bc he's usually the person she'd go to for advice. she'd go to his grave often and play the guitar bc i head canon nash taught her how to. she'd sing him taylor swift songs and stuff. she'd spend a lot of time in his cowboy hat collection closet (yes he owns one) 'talking' to him. i mentioned this in my libby post, i believe, but her grief would be so evident that her fans (and haters) would notice it and comment on it. im gonna go a step further and say that they'd start commenting on her appearance (dark under eyes, losing weight) and they'd start saying super unreasonable stuff like 'she's a billionaire, she shouldn't be complaining'. it would really mess with her head and mental health. things would also become harder bc of jamie's grief but they'd work through it.

libby: she's be absolutely devastated obviously. everything she loves (baking, her clothing style, etc) would become something she despises. she'd start dressing more normal and would dye her hair a plain color like brown bc looking at herself in the mirror looking the way she did before would remind of all of the times nash called her beautiful/the love of his life. she'd become a shell of herself. she'd sell her food truck and everything that once brought her joy bc according to her 'she doesn't get to be happy if nash isn't here with her' or 'all of this is worthless now without nash'. i dont think she'd ever date again and if she were to, she'd end up with a toxic shitty man who beats her bc she sees nash as a once in a lifetime thing whom she never deserved. she would always be at his grave. shed only bake before going to see nash bc she knows he loves her baking, and it makes him happy.

jameson: jameson would obviously be crushed. again, alcohol would become a huge problem for him. i can see him pushing avery away and saying tons of mean shit to her in order to do so (not bc he wants to be alone but bc he doesn't want to bother her). they would eventually resolve and talk about this, but it did become an issue for a while. he'd leave cowboy hats at his grave and stuff as gifts so that nash is reminded of the people he loves. he'd start feeling lost, like avery, bc nash is the one who guided them all and gave them advice. he'd take tons of walks while drunk bc nash used to love them. i mentioned this in my xander post but he'd get prescribed pills to help with his insomnia bc nash's death would keep him from falling asleep. he'd remember all of the times he could have said or done smth different/spent more time with him, etc.

grayson: would literally stop working. unlike jameson and xander, nash was his only older brother meaning he doesn't have an older brother to ask for advice from anymore (jamie and xander still have him). he'd stop paying attention to his appearance. he wouldn't even bother putting on a suit. he'd start gardening bc nash used to love it even though he hates getting dirty. at some point though, he'd get back into working even though its hard bc he knows nash wouldn't like hearing he's given up on everything. i think i mentioned this is another post but he'd start smoking weed or smth to handle the stress and grief. he's literally always in the pool swimming trying to 'swim off' his grief. he wouldn't like talking about his grief with his brothers bc now that nash is gone, he's the responsible one and has to take care of them.

xander: like i say in literally every single one of my posts, he'd pretend he was fine. he crack his usual jokes and create gadgets to cheer people up just to ignore his own feelings. he stares at the sky quite often bc sometimes he'll see smth like a rainbow or a weirdly shaped cloud and it would remind him of nash. he created this cowboy hat shaped safe in his lab or whtv to store all of nash's favorite things in. they store it in the horse stables bc nash loves horses. like his brothers, he visits his grave quite often just to vent. that's the only time he allows himself to feel anything. he'd also feel responsible over his brothers. jamie is over here ruining his life and grayson is trying to pretend he's fine but its not working. hed constantly be looking for ways to help them (but not himself).

i would've added alisa, but i honestly don't know what to say for her so T-T.

tagging: @never-enough-novels

#the inheritance games #jameson hawthorne #grayson hawthorne #avery grambs #nash hawthorne #xander hawthorne #libby grambs

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sparkleboi24 · 3 months

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I need help crafting head canons and backstories for a BSD au I'm creating

I'm working on making head canons for a normal world no mafia no Ada or whatever au. For the most part I'm trying to take canon events and adapt them in a way where they could realistically happen, but for characters with more unknown or vague pasts I'm great for any HCs

Starting with Dazai, Dazai is not an orphan he was removed from his home by CPS when he was about 2. He was in the foster care system for a while, tossed around until he ended up in a home with Mori from ages 9-16. Mori was abusive, so Dazai ran away and lived in a shipping crate for a bit. Eventually he was taken in by Oda, who was a foster parent to mostly younger kids. He was there for 6 months but when he was out with Oda, Oda was killed in a mass shooting.

I know Dazai "improved" in canon after Oda died but I didn't give him a chance for this big long speech and there wasn't any reason for Oda to anyways, so Dazai completely spiraled after that. I have like a whole story written about that. But short things is his alcohol addiction got worse, he often spent days just not moving from Oda's grave and since you see him inject himself in season 5 and pop a pill in season 2, I have him experiment with drugs like fenty, shrooms, and heroin. Not addicted, just trying them out. Dazai is my most fleshed out in the au I'm creating, idk why.

Dazai bullies Akutagawa in school because of course he does.

Now for Chuuya I haven't finished stormbringer so my HCs for him might change. But.

He was also in foster care. I haven't fully fleshed out his life yet and I want some ways to integrate the sheep some how? But he entered the system when he was 8, I don't know why because I haven't finished storrmbringer. It varies from Verlaine killing his parents to them dying in a car crash so. Working on that. Verlaine went to a different home from Chuuya, he doesn't know him well he just hates him. I've been debating between having Kouyou be his sister or foster mother, but since I put Dazai with Mori I figured Chuuya could go with Kouyou and she'd just be a younger foster mom. I was also thinking I could find a way to make them in the same house? I really want the whole betrayal thing where Dazai leaves Chuuya and I thought it could be cool where Dazai left Chuuya in an abusive home to deal with it himself but I'm not sure, would it even make sense for him to have been with Mori?

Chuuya is in college, Dazai is struggling to get by. They still have their personalities obv so Dazai isn't like this sad mopey mess he's just a sad mess who mopes when he's alone and everyone doesn't really realize where he's at mentally

Mori has also fostered Yosano and Q, while having Elise as his bio daughter.

Atsushi and Lucy's backstories are basically the exact same as they are in canon

Akutagawa is homeless ofc, he just moves from place to place with his sister. His clothes are shit and he smells because he never showers so he isn't treated well at school. I'm tryna think if he'd go to college, also he's still got his terminal illness. I'm not sure how his need for Dazai's validation would come out in this au

Ranpo was adopted by Fukuzawa. His life was also basically the same. Yosano was also adopted by him.

I'm thinking Kunikida has a normal ass life with normal ass parents, just too much of an overachiever and on the verge of burnout but not allowing himself to burn out

Poe is rich. He was born rich, he's got money, that's all. I've got for him lol.

I'm trying to find ways to add the rest of the cast, I want to get all the characters in and get them lives and stuff made up.

If you have any suggestions to how I can expand this world I want to write fan fiction on it once I've fleshed it out a bit. Feel free to be like "actually no I dont like your idea, I think this would be better" because I'm open to any criticism on this, I just want it to be good and I'm not stuck on my ideas

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd au #alternate universe #dazai osamu #chuuya nakahara

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yacnelgs · 6 months

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Im asking this here because i dont find any answers and im kinda desesperate

TW alchohol, drugs? Idk

Why any substances make an efect on me, its not like i've ever taken something "hard" like idk cocaine? But no matter how much alcohol i take i never feel drunk and if i mix it with benzos its the same.

Im someone who stays almost always stupidly sober, the kind of person who only drinks in christmas or new year. So no its not like my body us used to it, i find about this a few days ago in a party (its a miracle me going to one) afer drinking a botle of ron and only feeling at much a little dizzy(and it was meybe my desrealization)

And for pills its the same, idk why i tried to take those (an impulsive thing prephaps because im not prescribed with, in this case, clonazepam o valium)

Its makes sense on why others 0D atemps didnt work(one time when i was a teen my doctor and my parents didnt belived me because if i actually taked that much pills i "should have slept at least for a day".

Soo ugh is this,, bad???? I hate doctors so i really dont want to go to one

#aspd #szpd #jirai kei #tw drugs #menhera #drugs tw #personality disorder #borderline personality disorder #actually bpd #bpd #antisocial personality disorder #obslove

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smoov-criminal · 1 year

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i went to the er today for chest pain (im fine, likely costochondritis) and i was given oxycodone, and it really did wonders for my pain, even my regular chronic pain not just what i was being seen for, and i was like wow this is what it feels like to get actual pain relief!

...but also i cant get prescribed any opioids long term without having to agree to a bunch of restrictions (to "stop opioid abuse") including abstaining from all other substances and regular drug testing (even for alcohol), and they would discontinue my prescription if i was late/missed appointments, didn't take the meds exactly as instructed, or didn't report for a drug test and/or pill counting within 24 hours of being called.

firstly, i think it's fucked that they can just rip away someone's pain medication (or deny it outright) because they missed an appointment, or smoked weed, or dropped one of their pills and had less than they "should have". i also think it's incredibly dehumanizing to make people already suffering from severe chronic pain subject themselves to this very strict monitoring and control just so they can be in less pain, it's like we're being punished for the crime of seeking pain relief.

also tbh i think people should be allowed to do whatever drugs they fucking want, they still deserve to be free of pain. like literally substance use is a necessity for so many americans so we dont just fucking snap and kill ourselves or someone else, and frankly i don't think i or anyone else should have to disclose that info to their doctors and give up their substances in order to receive treatment for their pain.

pain relief isnt something we should have to earn, its a human right

#disability #cpunk #cripple punk #ableism #medical ableism #chronic pain #substance use #harm reduction #suicide mention #long post

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evansbby · 12 days

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wg 4. Was absolutely beautiful. So many things happened at once. My heart was filled with warmth and agony. I cried for steve and i felt readers guilt and pain. I see how both genuinely loved reader and its really difficult to pick who should reader end up with. But anyways i dont care what anyone will say bur team steve till the day i die (open for debate)

both ari and steve have both pros and cons.

I could see steve really atoned for what hes done. His psychological pain, struggles and especially his parents around was clearly evident to why hes become that way. Yes, it was no excuse for forcing himself on reader but Ari is not any better. To me, steve did not care if reader picked him but he did care if she picked ari because hes aware of what ari is capable of. Steve in that moment did not saw reader as a possession, all he wanted from reader was her forgiveness and he could finally be in peace. Comfortably numb. AJDHJS i know i sound biased cause im team steve but like its probably because of i got alota say for ari. If reader chooses Steve its either gonna go well or not. It will go well, if steve learns to cope properly and control his anger during pressure and argument (which happens alot if youre a couple) so if he starts punching walls when both of them are in a disagreement thats gonna be traumatic for reader. So if hes really sorry he should seek therapy, and solely rely on alcohol and pills to keep him calm. The thought of reader should be his inspiration and motivation to be calm (if ever the end up PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPELASDE I CANT HANDLE THIS AT ALL, IT SHOULD BE HIM OR NON OF THEM.) because the fact he warned reader about ari, it is like hes doing that for her own good not for her to run toward steve instead. Do i make sense? Both of them said sorry but the way they said sorry and the intentions behind that sorry is different. Im yapping alot but i hope this makes sense. Like i hope my yappin is not spiraling everywhereJDGJSH. Also later at the end, my heart broke for steve. The way he had the courage to attempt that as if he got no one in this world for him to stay here is so sad. Hes kicked out of the team, his sister is a mess and hes left to pick up the pieces while hes got a problem of his own too. His sisters pain doubles the weight he carries on his shoulders with his own pain, his parents are too busy which leaves the two of them neglected, and now reader who he scared away. The only warmth in his dark and cold world. I just pity him so much, and i could see that he really regrets it so much that its eating him alive. Its like he felt so shitty that he thinks he has no right to even stay in this world.

for ari;

i think hes way too fast. I know you guys fell immediately after he took her to the woods. Admittedly, it is beautifully peaceful. Like theres no one other but them, that no one could ruin the bond they have. I could feel he genuinely loves reader, and he was really sorry, but that is not enough. He cant run away from the people hes hurt in the past and leave them behind while he lives the dream and future he created for reader. If he wants to live his happily ever after with reader, he has to make amends to those he have hurt. Kira, sharon, and the hundreds of girls hes played with before he met reader. This future he promised is too good to be true. Thats what he always does, promising things he cant keep. He promised that he’ll break up with sharon and how long did that take? It took for reader to lose it and break down for him to finally do. And there he goes again, he promises his success and the family they’ll make together but is it really that simple? Its so subtle, hes seeing reader as something to claim and control, like the part he said reader cant be a model. When he barged in to her room with sandwiches it was like nothing happened. When he said he did not care about sharon more than he does with reader, it just means he did not care the damaged hes cost others but he only cared about the damaged hes cost reader. Reader has been through alot and so does the people hes hurt like sharon. So before he promises the world to reader, start anew, he must address the broken glasses he left behind. Sharon and the other girl’s broken heart, and the mental damage he caused kira. The way ari said sorry, it seems like he expected for everything to fall right back into place after he did. “I told you i said sorry” just sorry? Yes he tried to win back reader with the picnic and his compliments but in order to do that he must ACTUALLY change for the better, not just for reader. He needs to explain himself to sharon, to kira. And reader must also explain herself properly to sharon without getting herself interrupted. Yes it is not an excuse but it is a REASON, for them to see a different perspective on to why it happened. Ari has built a perfect future for him and reader, without addressing the futures he ruined for others first

OH WOW BESTIE OMFG!

OKAY FIRST OF ALL, let me just say how much i appreciate this wonderful analysis you've just sent me. like seriously, it was a joy to read. to have someone be so passionate about the characters i've invented is such a surreal feeling. bc I AM ALSO this passionate about them! they are my babies fr! my fucked up babies bahahah

so with your steve analysis, firstly, this part of what you said really resonated with me: "To me, steve did not care if reader picked him but he did care if she picked ari" part of this is so true bestie, because steve REALLY REALLY did not want her to pick ari. like this man is ari's number one hater. if ari has no haters, that means steve is dead. LMFAOO. but anyways, i do disagree with the first part though bc steve definitely cared if reader picked him. because steve was RELYING on reader picking him, in his head, if she didn't pick him, if she didn't even forgive him... then he had nothing left to live for :(( one of my aims this chapter was to show a different side to steve, and show a little bit of why he is the way he is. and i think a lot of people feel sorry for him now and are rooting for him - which was my goal! bc i want the steve fanbase and ari fanbase to be equal, which i think it is now hahahah.

ALSO LMAOOO you do not like ari, do you?? Okay but when you said this part: "He cant run away from the people hes hurt in the past and leave them behind while he lives the dream and future he created for reader." YESSS YOU REALLY ATE WITH THAT! bc has ari truly changed into a better person... or is he a better person but ONLY WITH READER. bc there's a huge difference! BUT ALSOOO lemme defend Ari a little bit here... sure he barged into her room with the cheese sandwiches but steve also jumped in through reader's window and waited outside her dorm room... so like... they're BOTH giving stalker vibes i can't lie! And also, yeah Ari was acting kinda cocky but i believe his apologies were genuine. being cocky is just part of his personality hehe, he can't lose that even if he develops into a better person.

ALTHOUGH NGL GIRLIE YOU READ ARI TO FILTH ADALSGNSKL "he's always promising a future he can't keep" GIRLLLLL wg!Ari should be scared of you FR kalngalndkngf

BUT THANK YOU for this amazing incredible analysis ily ily ily

#anon #wg ask #wg 4 ask

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fagsex · 9 months

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maybe because ive never imbibed any drugs except like idk caffeine and alcohol but i cant believe that drugs exist... u mean theres like pills and powders and smokes out there that just make you different... like magic... like i dont change much when i drink it just kinda removes some inhibitions ie i get hornier clingier but like i cant imagine something making me Much different-er because tbh i am always horny and clingy the alcohol just makes me not gaf if someone else knows and with caffeine it just makes my head work so like... i dunno i think drugs might be magic actually. if u have done drugs sound off if i am correct

#emergency broadcast system

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easy-revenge · 10 months

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hey!! idk if tumblr ate my ask, the himeno brainrot has faded or if you just didn’t feel like it (which is so valid lmao no worries) but i would love to hear your headcanons for her!! xx

hiii so sorry !! i actually started answering ur ask when i was on vacation a couple weeks back and then i didnt have enough ideas and put it in my drafts....and to no one's surprise i forgot about it lmao so thank u for reminding me !!

also i can't NOT have himeno brainrot atp don't worry heheh

however im afraid I won't deliver too much on this bc instead of like individual headcanons ive mostly just filled in the blanks that canon left with my own things (often self-indulgent) and made up a life for himeno which i now basically treat as canon lmao (yes this is delusion central)

i will attempt this though but fair warning that a lot of the behaviors and things i associate with her aren't very wholesome or a jolly good time (i suffer daily with this brain)

(cw for mentions of addiction and a lil bit of drugs, i promise it gets more lighthearted after the first few ones lmao)

so, starting off strong, I don't think himeno spends a lot of her time sober. namely, i headcanon her almost always running on some kind of buzz. i think it's established that she handles her liquor well so i dont think it would be noticeable at work, but considering she trained under kishibe for a long time, i can see her having a flask of her own and sipping at it throughout the day.

in the same spirit, i think she would also take any opportunity to properly get wasted. friday nights with aki at her apartment, outings with the people from work etc, especially if she doesn't have work in the morning. i think maybe she believes she's more fun to be around when drunk.

i don't think these behaviors are about entertainment, but rather a way she's found to be more "functional" and able to keep doing what she does and uphold the carefree persona she's established, hence incorporating them into her life to the point of very rarely being stone cold sober.

i think she also doesn't like the idea of her family knowing about how she copes. maybe she doesn't answer her father's phonecalls sometimes, scared of sounding too noticeably drunk at noon on a tuesday. or she's often stressed about her sister's occasional surprise visits in case she comes over and finds himeno's place in disarray and her in a similar state.

apart from alcohol, which is basically canon, i once had a thought about himeno occasionally abusing pills. pain meds prescribed for recovering from a work injury hitting just right paired with some beer on the side one evening and boom yk. i bet it wouldn't be too hard for her, considering her line of work, to get her hands on opioids regularly enough, especially since the story is set in the 90s and doctors used to prescribe them left and right before the amount of patients getting dependent skyrocketed.

to complete the holy trinity of vices, again based on things mentioned in canon, i think himeno is also the type of person to sleep around a lot with distraction being the objective. she has a reputation for getting flirty and handsy with ppl from public safety when drunk and i think that speaks for itself. this is not inherently a vice ofc, but in her case I don't think she engages in this behavior being sound of mind. it almost never happens when she's sober and i headcanon her often regretting it at least briefly the next day.

oof that was a lot lmao. um chill anyways, on a lighter note i have a couple thoughts about her relationship with aki !!

i think it's a habit for them to take care of each other's injuries after missions. im actually writing a fic about aki showing up at himeno's doorstep, bleeding and expecting to be taken care of in his own begrudging, stuck up way lmao. i think himeno is less likely to straight up go to his house for that, but i see them leaving public safety and going home together to shower and bandage their wounds in companionable silence.

additionally to that whole thing, i personally do believe that their relationship could've had a non-platonic side to it, albeit still casual in its nature. leaving that aside, i think they share quite a bit of affection and physical touch regardless, considering how casually we see them invading each other's personal space in canon. so i think they sleep in the same bed a lot, after tending to each other's wounds, or getting too drunk in himeno's living room. i think it took a while for aki to stop being tense and relax into it, but they settled into a comfortable zone and it was sth they both needed more than they would ever admit.

fujimoto once talked about himeno and said that she is the type to leave a lot of her stuff behind at aki's place and u better believe i ran with it. clothes, hair brushes, a spare toothbrush in the bathroom, you can't change my mind. i also think that to some extent it goes both ways. himeno has a shitload of aki's tupperware at her place, from all the food he brings her weekly, and she never washes them unless aki comes over to do it himself and by the time he decides to take some back, there's always more. black hair ties are often littered in her bathroom cabinets and on one of her night stands. a book on her windowsill that aki brought to read before bed once and then never took home.

not to get dark again, but talking about them is bound to make me sad sooner or later :) based on the way she thinks about aki's death in canon, i think she would often panic when thinking about aki's shrivelling lifespan, especially at the beginning when aki had a lot of years to spare and surely used the sword more freely. i imagine her being restless in her bed with aki sleeping next to her, feeling compelled to check on his breathing or his pulse. reach over and touch his hand to feel him alive and warm, hoping it would soothe her to sleep.

i also think she's there a lot of the times aki cries. i bet the first time she saw him was accidental, or at least not a conscious decision on aki's part. i also bet himeno didn't really know what to think of it initially, but soon looked at aki under a different light bc of it. i think aki finds comfort in himeno being in the same room as the tears spill from his eyes after a day of watching people die. and i think himeno loves giving him that, even though it tugs at her chest in uncomfortable ways she can't quite point out.

i feel compelled to but i won't go into the whole being in love with aki situation, because first of all its not even a headcanon but very much there and secondly i will ramble indefinitely about how i think her pining for him would manifest and this is already a huge post god bless

on a slightly different note before i bring this to a close, i like thinking about her bond with kishibe a lot as well. it's not shown enough in the anime or manga, but i imagine them being friends. i think they would go out for drinks but more to talk than get wasted. i think they'd have the capacity to talk about very real things but also nothing at all. kishibe might be the only person himeno talks to properly about aki, aside from her letters to her sister, because he shares the same life as her and inevitably has more space tl understand. maybe kishibe gets to talk a bit about quanxi too.

haha oh well :D that's all i have for now. if u read this far thank you and also im sorry lmao. hadn't sat down to microwave himeno like this in a hot minute i loved getting the opportunity to do it so thanks for the ask anon !! till next time ~

#answered #take a shot every time u read the word think in this #its 5am bear with me #himeno #himeno chainsaw man #akimeno #aki hayakawa #chainsaw man #chainsaw man headcanons #himeno headcanons #akimeno headcanons #csm

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