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noellefan101 · 6 months

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Could I request the Sumeru boys with a super doting s/o who loves to cook for them? In her eyes, nothing breaks her heart more than seeing the boys hungry and tired.

Characters: Cyno, Tighnari, Alhaitham, Kaveh, Wanderer(, + Albedo) x female reader(i didn´t know if you wanted gn or female, but you said 'her' so i just guessed, i´ll change it if you want(its not really there anyway))

Summary: Them with a reader that likes to cook/what you do when they come home tired/hurt

Warnings: kissing, maybe ooc, not proof-read, hugging from behind,

Note: thank u for requesting anon, i loved the idea, if i missed anyone pls let me know. sorry i was a "little" late though(i also tried smt new, hope you like it). i also realized that i like when people hug me from behind vize versa(someone pls hug me, omg), i luv youuuuu

Cyno

he had just come home after a tiring mission out in the desert, and he looked worn out, with bruises here and there, and bags under his eyes. you almost cried at his state when you saw him, and immediately got some bandages in case he was badly hurt. but after you gave him the bandages you went back to cooking, you couldn't let it burn after all. but then told him to sit in the kitchen so you can help him while cooking.

he was confused at first but just went with it and sat on one of the kitchen chairs, the smell of your cooking comforting him more and more as he got closer to the kitchen. he almost forgot how calming your presence was, but its a happy surprise every time. he always loved your cooking so him coming home to you cooking his favorite meals in the kitchen, ready to greet him with one of your brightest smiles, it was like seeing the sun for the first time in months, even though it had only been a week.

knowing your love language was cooking, he always accepted your food, wanting to show that he liked when you loved him, and that he loves you too.

"cyno? you ok?" he got caught off guard when you spoke out to him, he didn't realize he had been staring at you, and immediately apologize. "o-oh yeah im fine sweetie, sorry" "hm, its fine, dinner´s ready" you smiled at him, and he felt like he fell in love all over again. but realizing he didn't have time to space out again (tho he wanted to) he just started eating. enjoying the food you made just for him, while thinking about when he finally would get the guts to propose.

Tighnari

it had been a long day in the forest, along with most of the trainees not listening to his lectures and some just strait up ignoring him(not Collei ofc, your sweet baby child, (with Cyno as the unfunny uncle)). in short, he had a really bad day and had little to no energy left.

but he didn´t even realize he was so tired until he practically saw your heart break in half in your eyes when you saw him. it really pained him to see you like that, little did he know you hurt more. you were almost done cooking when he got home and unfortunately couldn´t tend to him right now(+ Nari would scold you if left it alone, and tended to him instead). so you just asked him to walk over to you instead and gave him a little kiss on the cheek to hopefully restore some of his energy.

it did help him a little bit with calming down, you always did, but this time he may have gotten a little greedy and went in to give you a kiss on the lips in return. "Tighnari, not right now. do you want dinner or not, im sure Collei wants some" he laughed a little at your words(and at your red cheeks) "of course i´d like some dinner, Collei as well. but cant i kiss my beautiful girlfriend/partner" you looked back at him, glaring a little.

"fine, but- mhmph" your sentence got interrupted by another kiss from him. when you pulled away your cheeks were completely red, "Nari, stop that, at least eat first" he looked at you in amusement, "fine i´ll eat first" he ended the sentence with a sigh. "good you better, and after you need sleep, you have bags under your eyes" you went back to cooking. "sure, whatever you say gorgeous" he looked at you(with hearts in his eyes) and you looked back at him "thank you, handsome"

Alhaitham

he had been reviewing some scholar's papers today, and it was definitely not his favorite. some lacked the correct knowledge about the right things to focus on, some the papers lacked effort, and some couldn´t even be called proper papers. yeah, he didn´t have a very good day, some random guy even dared demand a meeting when he clearly was very busy doing something else.

when he opened the door to your home, he was instantly met with the delicious smell of your cooking. but it seemed like you didn´t hear him since you weren´t running to him like you normally would, or maybe you were just too focused on cooking. but that didn´t matter to him right now because he, for once, just wanted to have you in his arms. when he walked into the kitchen, and catching you by surprise at the same time, he only walked up to you and hugged you from behind, burying his face into your neck.

you didn´t look at him, but if you did you´d see just how tired he really was, you were just a little too focused on cooking it seemed. he just stood there hugging you for a bit, looking at whatever you were doing, though he didn´t really pay attention, and he almost fell asleep right then and there if you hadn´t called out to him. "Haitham, i´m almost done cooking, can you put plates on the table" you took him out of his thoughts and even surprised him a little, "o-oh, yeah i can do that, love".

you looked over at him, only now realizing how tired he was "Actually i can do that, you don´t have to. just go sit down" he looked at you "are you-" "yes im sure. Go sit down" you looked him in the eyes like a mother did when she was angry at her kid, "of course" he looked away from you. "thank you, i love you" "...love you too"

Kaveh

yes, he has been working non-stop on this project from a client. it wasn´t even due til in a month or so, but still, there he was in his office looking over the many sketches that got declined. some were too detailed some too simple, and there was the ones where the client didn´t like the style, even though it was exactly what he asked for... he could go on for hours and hours about how frustrated he was.

you were just going into his office to check on him and to give him some water, but when you saw how tired and hungry he looked (he hadn't eaten in, like, hours)you quickly gave him the water and went out to the kitchen before he even realized you were there. you started finding the ingredients even before you fully entered the kitchen, already knowing the recipe since you´ve made it so many times for him.

an hour later it was already done and you were about to get a plate and give it to him in his room, but it seemed like the smell of the food brought him to you instead. because there he stood, behind you hugging your waist and now that you took a better look at his face, your heart broke a little. he looked so tired and half dead if you were to ask Alhaitham.

you quickly gave him the plate and dragged him out into the dining room, "you need to stop forgetting to eat, mister" it almost scared him with how harsh your voice was at that moment. "-m sorry" you looked at him, your eyes softening a little this time " it´s fine, I'm just worried about you y´know" he laughed a little "i know, i love you" you looked over at him, a bit sharper this time "love you too, idiot".

Wanderer

He doesn't need to eat, he´s a puppet, you know that. yet you still make him food every time he comes home from classes at the Akademiya, when he looks extra tired from working on his thesis last night therefore he didnt get any sleep. he doesnt understand why you do this for him, why you make him tea all the time when he didn't even ask. he doesnt understand you.

But his heart still beat in his chest, despite not being there, when he saw your pained face as he walked into your shared home. his tired state for once showing in his face. he had been going a little too overboard with a thesis and also didn't realize the time until Buer came to get him/since you were worried about him, in your mind/. and then sent him home, both to his liking and his dismay.

you practically ran over to him, and then dragged him into the kitchen to then also force him to sit down and explain himself. he may have memories of being in the Fatui, but he still thought you like this was scarier. your normally sweet and kind personality gone, turned into something reminding him of La Signora and The Knave(+himself(or even Dottore)).

let's just say it wasn't the nicest experience but you eventually calmed down a little, the worry now showing more than when he walked into your shared home. "you need to stop overworking, Kuni", he gave out a sigh at your antics "i know, I'm sorry for worrying you" he mumbled the last part, and if you hadn´t been right next to him you wouldn´t have heard it. "well, now you need to eat, you cant say no this time. oh yeah, i´ll also make you some tea if you´d like" he was glad to see that you were back to normal "Thanks, I´d like some tea, i guess". you laughed a little "of course, coming right up, now eat" he shivered a little at your sharp tone when you said the last part " *sigh* fine".

Extra; Albedo

its not like he wanted to worry you, he was just a little too invested in the experiment he was working on, in Dragonspine no less. so he ended up forgetting to stop and go home and instead worked himself to near death(who doesn´t, right). and when you went to check on him he didn´t even notice you, so you decided to surprise him in a hug from behind, while being careful not to ruin anything that was in front of him.

he doesn´t hate it when you surprise him, oh no, you just caught him off guard. and he definitely didn´t expect you to visit him today, but he enjoyed you being here and hugging him. he didn´t realize he had been lost in thought while staring at you til you asked him if he was okay, and to be fair he wasn´t really ok, but he said yes anyway.

"are you sure?" the question caught him off guard for the second time that hour, " *sigh* to be honest, no im not sure" he turned around and hugged you back. "are you hungry?! i can cook something if you´d like..." you looked at his face, there were bags under his eyes and he didn´t look as pretty as he normally did(he still looked pretty tho/im so very not normal abt this man/) "... you look tired, bedo. i can cook you something and then you need to sleep" you looked at him again, this time you looked more serious.

"but-" you stared at him sharply, " *sigh* -fine, I´ll eat and then sleep, but only if you do too" you smiled brightly at him "deal". you then untangled yourself from his arms and ran over to your bag to get your spices, you then started finding the eatable ingredients you have stored in his lab. after you forced made him eat something, you dragged him to bed. the experiment can wait anyway.

thank you for reading, had a lot of fun writing this so hope you enjoyed, luv ya-Masterlist

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romeulusroy · 11 months

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Petals (Roy!Sibling x Connor Roy)

Character/s: Connor, Shiv, Roman, Logan, Willa, Marcia

Word Count: 1,315

Requested: hello! is it okay if i request more roy baby sibling and connor? i’d like to see them asking connor to dance at shiv’s wedding (or maybe even at his wedding?)! thank you :) - anon

Requested: your younger roy sibling hcs have been rotting my brain recently and now im imagining 8 year old them making a drawing for connor's birthday that is them holding hands with big hearts and "wish you were my daddy" written in big kid letters (probably with spelling mistakes) and connor just like. sobbing when he reads it. i feel like hed be such a big father role to a significantly younger sibling (i personally imagine them and roman having a around 10 year gap, so thats probably like ~35 years of different between them and connor). and we all know what a shitty dad logan is/was, so i can see younger sibling calling connor after some big fight with logan and crying while begging him to pick them up and let them live with him and it breaks his heart cause logan would never let it happen and he tried but couldnt protect ken and shiv and rome and he just wishes he could at least protect his baby sib but he just cant and it kills him. anyway happy thursday thought haha roy family brainrot - @fromirkwood

Inspired By: Petals on the Moon by Wasia Project

Tag: @locke-writes

A/N: I know the second one wasn't exactly a request, but I couldn't get it out of my head!!! Big Bro Connor is my absolute favorite!! I hope this doesn't rot in your brain too long my love lol. I just couldn't get it out of my head, especially when it was combined with the other request!! Feedback is always appreciated 💜💜💜

Time is a thief, at least that’s what he thinks when he looks at you, spinning with your sister on the dance floor. Your smile is so bright, so wide, your cheeks flushed. You drank too much, no doubt it was Roman refilling your glass without your notice. The song picks up speed, picks up in joy, and you break out into laughter, you and Shivy. It’s as if you’re in your own world and only she’s in it. You spin and jump and sing along, your niece and nephew beside you and the bride. He hasn’t seen you this electric, this alive, so much like your old self, in weeks. Connor considered himself lucky to be able to watch, to bear witness. Just moments ago you were a baby, doodling with your thick crayons, mistakenly calling him Dad instead of Logan. Only recently had he learned that's who he was in your phone, Dad, that Logan was simply Logan. Years pass, but so little changes. He still had all your fathers day cards stashed away, hidden before your real father caught what you were doing. Stick figures, one tall, one small, hand in hand surrounded by flowers and butterflies and other bugs. Happy Fathers Day Connor. Your uppercase letters always slanted, crooked, his name spelled with one N instead of two. It wasn’t long until his figure started sprouting gray hair, graying far earlier than anyone else in the family, and yours grew taller every year. Connor feared you might have forgotten about him, that you were getting too old to need your eldest brother like your siblings had, but you proved him wrong after that night.

You hadn’t even wanted to go to the wedding. It was so bad. Whatever was said and done remained a mystery. You wouldn’t tell him, tell anyone, just that it was bad. He’d gone with Willa to pick something out for you, knowing you left the house with nothing. You refused to try it on, to come out of the spare bedroom. It wasn’t until the day before when they were getting ready to leave, accepting that there was no way you were going, did you come out with your outfit packed. You weren’t going to miss Shiv's big day because of him, you declared, and it was settled. He couldn’t contain his excitement, grinning from ear to ear. Letting her down, letting him down, just because of your old man, it seemed like a cruel punishment. You sat beside him in the plane, his hand on your knee, trying to disregard the dread in your chest. They’d all heard about your big blow out, they all wanted to know, going to Connor first instead of you. You were the closest, you told him everything. When he had nothing to say, when all he could offer was a warning, it said something, something more than he was expecting: whatever happened got to you. It genuinely hurt you. They imagined the worst, unsure of what to do. He was at a loss, too. Your father could say and do as he pleased, you’d always been the best at ignoring him, especially when he was in one of his moods, but this time? This time was different. It stung more than all of the other fights you’d had with him, and there were some memorable ones. Never had you yelled back like that, never had you stormed out in a fury, never had you sobbed to your brother like that on the phone. This wasn’t the kind of thing that would go away on its own. It wouldn’t heal with time.

He could almost forget the crack in your voice as he watched you now. That sad, crying child looked so different from the young adult on the dance floor. Eventually you came over to him, asking him to dance. As if on cue, a slower song came on. This was far different than the last time you danced together. You stood on his shoes, swaying, giggling that high pitched giggle, the one that made his heart melt. You were so little then, so tiny, he was scared to let go. Now you swayed on your own, your arms around him as if you’re scared he’ll flee, your face buried into his chest. Thank you for letting me stay with you. It came out mumbled, muffled, but he understood. Anytime, kiddo. You’re a pleasure to have. Your eyes were big when you looked up at him, as if trying to decipher if he was telling the truth or not. His smile, so reassuring, told you he meant it. I’m sorry about Pops. you shook your head, not wanting to hear his name, not wanting your brother to carry the guilt for him. If he was going to apologize you were going to hear it from him. Not anyone else. Connor spent the entire night putting distance between the two of you, becoming your human shield. Logan, it seemed, had completely forgotten about the whole ordeal, kissing Shiv, saying hello to your brothers, like nothing was amiss. They each shared a glance, all looking to Connor for help, for guidance, just like they had when they were little. He knew what he had to do. How bad was it, kiddo? He asks. Bad. It’s all you can say without upsetting yourself all over again.

He called you his greatest failure. Spineless. A mistake. You don’t remember how it started, only that you were bleeding out on the floor before him and he refused to put the knife down. A plague to the Roy name, a curse, a bad seed. You never should have been born. A loser. Incompetent. He’s not sure where you came from, but you are certainly not his. You should be smarter, work harder, but instead you are nothing, you are nobody. No one has ever or will ever love you. It hits you so hard, so forcefully, it knocks the wind out of you. He means it, he means every word, but especially that. That’s what kills you, that’s what makes the tears slip down your cheeks. That’s not true, you try to spit back, but he’s not listening and you’re crying, and you’re proving him right. He keeps talking. You can’t hear it, though. You’re gone. You’ve retreated into yourself, so far back he cannot possibly get you. You stand there, unmoving, as he gets in your face. No one has or will ever love you. No one has or will ever love you. It plays on loop, again and again until you cannot breathe. Finally you back away, you run from him, slamming each door behind you. Marcia calls out to you, hearing what went down, but nothing can stop you. Through the busy sidewalks, sobbing uncontrollably, you call him. You can’t repeat what he said, you still can’t. You know that would make him furious, all of them, and it is not their burden to carry. A quiet fear has settled in the back of your mind: what if he’s right?

If he knew, if Connor knew, he would have killed his father. No one said that to his baby, no one ever dared talk to you that way. But he doesn’t, and he never will. You have vowed to yourself that neither him nor your other siblings will know, for fear that they might agree with him. That they’ll show you he’s right. Instead they watch you carefully, ready to intervene should that be necessary. You hold on to him tight long after the song ends, not wanting to let go, to be alone with Logan's words. Connor doesn’t mind at all. He’s his happiest when his siblings need him, when you need him. He’ll always be there to rescue you. Always. It’s his job, you’re his greatest love. You all are.

#requested #writing #connor roy #connor roy imagine #connor roy x reader #succession #succession imagine #succession x reader #logan roy #logan roy imagine #logan roy x reader

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hope-you-brought-kneepads-bitch · 1 year

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hope u take in requests it’s my birthday but i feel like no one cares:( i know its not a big deal but i cant help but feel sad please do a wanda x reader about birthdays

well I care nonnie! Happy birthday! 🥳 🎁 🍰

A/n: I’m so sorry this is late nonnie but I started night shift and I’m adjusting to trying to sleep during the day for longer than 3 hours

Birthdays

Summary: it’s your birthday and Wandas looking for you, she doesn’t know why you don’t want to celebrate your birthday but when you tell her she makes it her mission to make sure you have a happy one

Warnings: Nothing bad, fluff, the absolute smallest amount of angst and suggestive themes, still minors DNI thanks!

"Has anyone seen Y/n?" Wanda was walking through the compound looking for you, she had a surprise for you but it was useless if she couldn't find you.

"I think I saw her on the roof" Nat replied "is she excited about her birthday?"

Wanda shrugged "I think so but I made her a birthday breakfast this morning and she wasn't too excited" Wanda was confused, she thought you’d be really excited about your birthday like she normally is but you acted as if it was any other day.

Nat patted the witch on the back bringing her out of her thoughts "she's probably a little nervous, it's her first birthday with you, you know what she's like"

Wanda nodded "yeah, I guess, okay get ready for the party later and I'll bring her down"

You were in fact sat on the roof lay on your back with your eyes closed enjoying the cool breeze coming over you in small bursts

“Nat told me she saw you up here, are you okay my love?” Wanda’s voice surprised you and you jumped up “oh hi! Er yeah I’m okay just needed some alone time”

Your girlfriend sat down next to you bringing you into a hug kissing your forehead “wanna tell me why you’re not excited about your birthday?”

You should've known that you couldn't hide your feelings from a mind reading witch "who said you could read my mind?" You said softly making Wanda frown "I'm not? I'm capable of reading people's emotions without delving into their minds princess, and I know you're feeling upset"

You sighed feeling bad that you presumed your girlfriend would read your mind without permission "I'm sorry Wanda I just-I've just never been a fan of my birthday, no one ever wanted to celebrate with me so, I just never bothered, my friends didn’t like I what I like so it felt more like a forced chore they were doing, I didn’t want that to continue”

Wanda's heart broke, she could never imagine not celebrating her or her friends birthdays "oh honey I'm so sorry, well those people were idiots not to celebrate your birthday, we're gonna have so much fun! Come on" she jumped up trying to get you to go with her but you remained still "baby?"

"Is there a party downstairs waiting for me?" Wanda shifted nervously "...why do you think that?"

You chuckled "I saw the worlds best Assassin fail to creep through the compound with balloons and a cake under her arm"

Wanda groaned "worlds best Assassin my ass, well now that you know you should also know Tony got you a pretty cool present"

This peeked your interest "oh? A present from the billionaire playboy philanthropist? Maybe I will come down" you jumped up kissing Wanda on the cheek and walking past her "oh so you'll move for a expensive present but not because your loving smart sexy girlfriend made a party for you?"

You knew she wasn't really upset but you spun around back to her and hugged her tight "sorry honey, I'll make it up to you later"

"Oooh and I thought it was your birthday not mine" she moved her lips to yours kissing you softly making sure it didn't escalate, she didn't want any peeping drones watching you two, not again anyway, Tony didn’t want a repeat of Valentine’s Day.

"Are you feeling better?” Wanda whispered to you and you nodded "sorry, it'll just get some time getting used too, having my birthday celebrated"

Wanda kissed your forehead "that's okay but you should know every year the parties will get bigger and better and it'll be the best day of your life and mine, until the day I ask you to marry me of course"

You pulled back surprised searching for any joke on Wanda's face but didn't find any "what??"

She smiled "you heard me, one day I'll ask you to marry me, nothing too elaborate, just me and you some flowers, maybe Nat holding a camera but she'll have her mouth tapped shut so she can't make her snarky remarks"

You would say you're a little surprised but honestly the first date Wanda pretty much asked you to move into her in the compound, she claimed it was for safety but a few months in she admitted she wanted to keep you close, you didn't mind you didn't have to pay rent or buy groceries, what woman wouldn't want that?

"Okay Wands, nothing too big though okay?"

"No sky writing?" She pouted and you smacked her lightly on the arm "let's just go downstairs"

***************************************************************

"There's the birthday girl!" Nat practically bounced on you hugging you so tight the air left your lungs

"N-Nat let me go" you struggled and the Russian released you from her death grip "sorry! But come on Tony has a cool present for you!" She dragged you across the room where the playboy himself sat

"Well my youngling nice of you to finally show up" he took a sip of his whisky and you flipped him off "get over yourself Stark where's my present?"

He stood up and dramatically turned around pressing a button opening the pod in the room revealing an exact replica of his own iron man suit but in purple, what was going on?

"What do you think?" He said looking back at you "you made a new suit in a different colour?"

Wanda slid up behind you holding you in her arms "that's your present"

"Fuck off!" You shouted jumping from her arms towards the pod scanning it and seeing your name on the arm "oh my god can I come on missions now?!"

Wanda stepped in before Tony could say yes "no! It's just for show and to maybe like fly around the building"

Clearly Wanda didn’t think you’d want to go on missions, like she said, just to fly around the building and shoot some targets

The group laughed at Wanda's ridiculousness, of course you were going on missions with them, why else was Tony would make a new suit "don't worry Wanda the widows said they'd look after her" Tony tried assuring her

"The 'widows' are looking after her, that's not gonna go well"

"Baby come on it'll be great! We can kill people together, that's so romantic"

Wanda stared at you strangely but also worriedly "how do you know I kill people?"

You shrunk a little under her gaze glancing to Nat but Wanda saw ir "Nat! Do you tell her I kill people?!"

Nat smiled and nodded "you're damn right I did, she loves hearing the stories"

Wanda sighed heavily deciding to stop talking and take a glass of champagne from the table downing it in one "I'm glad you love your new suit baby, but time for cake!"

You laughed bringing Wanda into a kiss tasting the sweet remnants of the champagne she just drank "you taste as sweet as the alcohol, I can't wait to taste you more later" you kissed down her neck making the witch giggle.

"Hey!" Tony clapped his hands separating you from Wanda "no intercourse at the party until we've all left"

You laughed "you all want to leave then?"

Nat threw a cushion at you throwing you off a little "you're insatiable Y/n, I'm surprised Wanda can walk after being with you"

"You know Nat if you want to sleep with me just say it, I'm sure I can rock your world sometime"

Maria wrapped her arm around Nat's waist "careful Y/n, I can make sure you clean the labs for the foreseeable future"

You fake gasped "ohhh noooo soo scary" you laughed but Maria's glare made Wanda grip you a little tighter "honey I know it's your birthday but maybe calm down with Maria, you know she’s a little scary”

You sighed in defeat facing the woman again “I’m sorry for saying Nat wants to sleep with me…but I could definitely rock her world and we both know it”

Maria rolled her eyes kissing Nat on the cheek “she’s a hand full, okay let’s celebrate you getting closer to the grave” she gave you a wink and you smiled “always the fun one on the room Hill, now, where’s this cake you’re talking about”

#marvel #mcu #wanda maximoff #wanda maximov #wanda maximoff x reader #marvel incorrect quotes #natasha romanoff #natasha romanov #marvel au #marvel imagine #tony stark #maria hill #blackhill

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yearningandpatheticaboutit · 9 months

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CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

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tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 @sansonlygf

#ateez angst #ateez imagines #choi san angst #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez scenarios #choi san #choi san fluff #san angst #gang au #ateez smut #choi san smut

23 notes · View notes

robinsvoid · 1 year

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I have a few requests!!

1. Aftercare with robin!! Makes my heart flutter everytime i think about it ;(( shed probably so nervous. Would be running around asking if you want her to get anything for you. Snacks,movies,drinks ANYTHING. SHE. WILL. GET. IT. FOR. YOU. But honestly you’d rather just cuddle her!! After you make it clear you dont need anything and just want to spend time with her she would still have her mind racing 100 mph ;(

2. A festival date with her + having her first kiss with you on top of a Ferris Wheel

Her winning you a big *insert your fav animal* plushie and being so proud of herself,stealing kisses in private where no one can see you,getting cotton candy and her getting it everywhere (even in her hair ngl) and having to helo her wash it off as soon as possible cause she hates being sticky (i mean who does) and finally going on a ferris wheel with her and kissing her at the top while the sun is setting <33

3. [ NSFW ?? Idk not really] her actually being so super obsessed with your thighs (i know you already wrote about this (i think) but i cant get over the tought of her being so goddamn obsessed with readers thighs its insane , leaving little kisses up your inner thigh , complimenting your thighs and saying she sleeps better when she touches them like oh my god!!!!!!!

4. Cuddling on a autumn morning

(In this youre more of a morning person so..)

Its early in the morning,birds chirping and sun shining thru the blinds perfectly reflecting her face and lighting up her features. You were sure you could count every freckle on her face at this point,Robin and you have been in a relationship for not so long actually.. but she was the most perfect girlfriend anyone could ever wish for. Seeing her like this,mouth hanging slightly open,hearing her soft snores and seeing the way her bangs are spread out againts her forehead. You made a mental note to trim them for her today in the afternoon. You tried to get up quietly and you stopped in your tracks when robin stirred around and mumbled something , you giggled a bit to yourself and headed towards the kitchen. *fast forward* you had made breakfast for your girlfriend. scrambled eggs and bacon. she loved loved LOVED scrambled eggs for some odd reason. You walked into the room slowly calling her “Robinn..love, time to get up” you said. With the softest tone. When you see her eyes flutter open a smile raises on your face. While she takes a while to adjust to the light , she mumbles something. “Whats that? didnt quite catch what you said there,love” you let out a chuckle,setting her breakfast on the table beside the bed. Sitting on the edge of the bed. She pulls you into her arms and burries her head in your neck peppering light kisses. You squirm and she giggles,voice raspy an deep from the effect of sleep. Robin wraps her leg around your middle pulling u impossibly closer. “Robs,I made you breakfast” Robin just hums,shes grateful and all,but she just wanted to cuddle for a little bit longer and tbh you do too. And there you are,melting into your girlfriends arms..

5. Nsfw headcanons?!?

Ok i got really carried away but i hope you enjoyed this! the 4th one just turned into a blurb i wanted to share!!

- buckley anon

❦ everyone go read #4 right now. makin me cry fr i want that so so bad. she would be so happy hearing the little giggles that falls from your lips after she pulled you back into bed. she’d turn the two of you over so that she could lay on your plush chest, nuzzling her nose towards your neck her breath soft on your skin right where she had just placed kisses all over, breathing in your sweet scent. it would be so relaxing, hearing nothing but the birds chirping just past the window, the rustle of the trees in the wind, robin’s steady breaths. it’s the featherlight kisses you you place on her forehead that makes her hum in satisfaction, moaning slightly in delight. she comments about how lazy she feels and wants nothing more than to just lay with you all day. she says you’re warm, and that she wants to dream a nice dream about you or something you can’t quite make out. her voice is deep and raspy and she talks a little sluggish after just waking up in the morning, god, she’s pretty. and the moment you start to run your hand through fluffy, morning bed head, she drifts back to sleep faster than you could say her name. sighhhh.

➜⠀this was requested a while ago in october and i think i got everything down! links will be posted below! thank u for requesting anon, it took a hot second because i procrastinate a lot :[

all links:

1. AFTERCARE WITH ROBIN — there’s also a part two kinda, a little more like a short fic instead of a blurb. part two is posted here.

2. TASTE OF YOUR SMILE — festival date with robin + first kiss on top of the ferris wheel.

3. ROBIN BUCKLEY LOVES YOUR THIGHS — part two! about robin’s obsession with your thighs. part one is posted here.

4. up above ^^ ;) it is very very cute i need robin fr

5. ROBIN’S NSFW HEADCANONS — pretty self explanatory:) a little long i would say, but had a lot of fun writing!

navigation. © ROBINSVOID

#rv; robin <3 #robin buckley #stranger things #robin buckley x reader #stranger things x reader #robin buckley imagine #robin buckley x female reader #blurb #robin buckley x f!reader #robin buckley smut #robin stranger things #st x reader #masterlist

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melissa-kenobi · 2 years

Text

I Can't Go On Without You

[Arthur Morgan x Reader]

WARNING: Major Character Death

"Arthur- you cant- I won't let you leave me!" Arthur watched with a deep sadness in his eyes as you broke down in front of him. Your entire body trembled with agony, while you tried to hold yourself back. He knew you wouldn't take the news very well, neither did Arthur to be honest. He still hadn't accepted it himself. "They can't take you from me- n-not when I just got you back."

"Sweetheart, it's not good. Doc says I ain't got long." Arthur mumbled as he took a step closer to you, only for you to take one back in shock, heading back into the tent. Arthur's eyes scoured over you as your hands searched through the chest where your things were kept. Throwing all sorts of memories out, you mumbled to yourself about a cure or a potion that you'd read in a book.

"I- Hosea lent me a book befo-" Cutting yourself off as you held back a deep sob at the mention of the man who raised you and Arthur like his own children. He too had left you, you wouldn't let Arthur do the same. "He er- he gave me a book which had all sorts of-"

"Sugar- it won't work- the doc's alread-

"I don't care!" You yelled at him, voice raised with annoyed at his words. "He ain't tried this medication, it'll work, I know it. I jus' gotta find it first, then we'll take t'him and I'll find all the herbs 'n everythin' we'll need."

Arthur's heart ached as he saw Sadie and Mary-Beth walk past with tears in their eyes at your state. They knew, they understood Arthur wouldn't make it. They also knew something was wrong with Dutch and the gang wasn't what it used to be, ever since Blackwater. But you, you were his stubborn wife, his oh so beautiful, wonderful stubborn wife. You'd deny it all you like but could never take bad news very well, no matter what it was. You were one helluva outlaw and Arthur was proud to have you as his wife, but you were utterly optimistic about everything.

Sadie knew how hard it would be to live without Arthur for you, remined her of her Jakey. She'd suffered for months before she reclaimed herself as Sadie Adler, simply a woman who was but a shell of who she used to be. She'd never forgotten Jakey, he still lived in her heart as he would till the day she died. Hosea had always said that you and Arthur were two peas in a pod, balancing each other out. Sadie didn't know how you'd manage without your other half, but you were one of the toughest women she'd ever met, if anyone could make it through then you would, no matter what.

"Found it!" You smiled, wiping the wetness gathered on your cheeks. "Here, look we'll take it to the doc and it'll be all fine honey. We'll pay for the medicine, no matter ho-"

"Y/N. Stop it." Arthur gripped your wrists gently, making you look up at him. Your doe eyes looking at him with such hope and adoration for him and Arthur couldn't beat around the bush anymore and watch you build your hopes up for nothing. "It's terminal darlin', there's no cure for it."

Arthur watched your face for a reaction only getting a sniffle and rapid blinking as you processed the words. It's terminal darlin'. Terminal. Meaning your husband wouldn't be coming back.

"Darlin'-" Arthur was cut off as you dropped to the ground, knees hitting the soft grass as Arthur rushed after you. He caught you just before your entire body collapsed on the ground in disbelief. His own voice cracked with regret as he aplogised. "I- sweetheart- 'm sorry"

Shaking your head in denial, you clutched your husband tighter, holding him like he was about to disappear before your very eyes. "No-no-no, you can't leave us, you can't leave me."

Arthur was expecting you to react badly, but not like this. He'd never seen you break down like this, you were a strong woman, the strongest he'd ever known and to see you like this hurt him. He was the one who had caused this upon you. His own heart broke that his wife would have to go on without him. With the way the gang was heading, he wasn't sure how long they would have before the Pinkertons caught up with them or his TB did. He swore to get John and his family out of this and that meant you too.

"Arthur- " Sobbing hardly in your husbands arms he held you. He couldn't care less about the gang right now. He needed to be there for you, for as long as he had left.

"Promise me you'll get us out of here?" You whispered into his ear, voice cracking. "I don't want you to- not here, please?"

"Jus' me and you sweetheart. I promise."

Arthur knew his words were a lie, but they were the best he could offer right now. You were slowly breaking apart at the thought of your husband dying. To save you the horror he made a promise he couldn't keep because he knew nothing hurts like a broken heart.

"I promise."

***

You made sure to cater to Arthur at every single moment. Making sure he was comfortable, that he ate and drank plenty of fluids. You fussed over him every time he had a coughing fit, ensuring he was okay afterwards. Your heart broke each day as you watched your husband grow weaker and paler with every passing day.

Arthur hadn't told you about the coughing fits he'd had after he'd finished the job with John. Or when he visited Charlotte, how he'd passed out straight. He couldn't have that worry placed upon you, he hated it. He knew how weak he was getting, it was harder to him to breathe with every passing day.

One day Micah had gotten on your nerves and you nearly shot him point blank. Arthur was lucky to even walk in at the right moment to stop you.

"Hey princess, ya seen black lung arpund or has old age finally caught up to him ay?" Micah let out a teasing cough as he winked at you.

"You better shut the hell up Micah 'fore I put a bullet in that tiny brain of yours!" You growled, pulling your revolver out, switching the safety off and clicking it into position. One shot and this rat would be outta your lives.

Micah held his hands up in mock surrender. "Alright princess, ain't my fault you're a bit touchy 'bout cowpoke. Although, when he does finally- ya know-" Micah made a crude cutting motion against his throat resulting in your firing a warning bullet at his feet, gracing the toe of his boots. Sadie, Ms Grimshaw and Mr Pearson watched with baited eyes, almost wanting you to rid them of the rat that was Micah Bell.

"You best shut your goddamn mouth about my husband Micah Bell! I swear, you say 'nother word 'bout him and this camp'll find your body flat on the floor in seconds!" You hissed, ready to pull out your other weapon but not before Arthur had ran in, practically grabbing your weapon and dragging you into your shared tent.

"Once Morgan's out the way, you're more than welcome to share my bed princess!" Micah called out as he watched Arthur drag you away. Arthur may have disarmed your guns but you still had your knives, almost instinctively you grabbed them and threw it at Micah, aiming for head but only just missing as it flew past him and near Dutch's tent. You grinned at you heard Micah growl in pain as one had hit his shoulder.

"Y/N! What are ya doing?" Arthur reprimanded you, pulling down the flaps of the tent for privacy. "As much as I wanna kill Micah, you can't jus' attack him like that!"

Huffing in anger you looked up at your poorly husband, "He was talking shit 'bout you, and I ain't havin' it." Your words were final and Arthur knew it. He sighed as he took a seat next to you on the cot, pulling you into a hug. He knew how hard the past few weeks had been, Pinkertons everywhere, Dutch's plans were completely ridiculous and some of the girls had left.

"Thank you sweetheart."

***

Arthur had already warned John, days before. He knew something was up when Dutch turned up without John. Abigail was captured, half the gang was gone. After rescuing Abigail, you'd headed back with Arthur, Sadie and Abigail.

"Go with them Y/N. I'll find you once I've dealt with something." Arthur turned to you, eyes hopeful that you would go with Sadie and be safe. But his heart knew better, you'd follow him to the ends of the earth if it meant you'd be besides him.

"You know I ain't falling for that shit." You mumbled as you hopped onto the back of Arthur's horse, having given yours to Abigail. "Now c'mon honey, we got a goddamn rat to kill.

God Arthur loved you more than words could express. "I love you Mrs Morgan."

"And I love you too Mr Morgan."

***

"You need to go Y/N. Go with John, I'll hold them off- " Arthur let out a fit of coughs as he held onto the tree for support. You'd been running for ages, Arthur's horse being shot down while you ran through the mountains trying to get away. Arthur didn't have much left in him they all knew it.

"Arthur-

"Please sweetheart, I'd res- " Arthur knew he didn't have very long but if he told you that, you'd certainly stay and die besides him and he wouldn't allow that. So he lied, lied for your sake. "I'll be right behind you darlin', I promise. Just get John outta here."

"But-

"Please- for me?" Arthur pleaded, needing to have you out of here and safe. His heart leapt as you nodded in agreement, knowing that you'd be safe from the Pinkertons, from Dutch and Micah. "I love you sweetheart."

Rushing forwards you quickly grabbed the lapels of your husbands coat, pulling him towards you as you gave him a kiss. Arthur savoured the feel of your lips on his, holding your body tightly against his. He knew this would be last time he ever see you, ever hold you in his arms, tell you that he loved you and that he wished he could have provided a better life for you.

"I love you Y/N. My wife. More than anything in this world, don't ya ever forget that." Arthur pulled back to place his forehead against yours. "Now go, get John outta here and I'll meet you there."

"I love you Arthur. Don't ya dare forget about me." You smiled, pulling away, rushing off to get John to his family.

"I could never darlin'..."

***

It had been too long. Arthur was supposed to be coming right after you, but he hadn't. You'd gotten John to his family and now they were heading off.

"Get outta here Marston." You told him, only just noticing he had Arthur's hat on, your heart skipped a beat. Why? Why would Arthur give John his hat, his satchel? Unless- unless he never planned on coming after you. "No-

"Y/N!!" John called after you but you were already gone, pushing your horse at a fast pace, not caring if the Pinkertons spotted you. You needed to get to Arthur and fast.

"C'mon girl, you can do it! I gotta get to Arthur." You praised the horse as she listened to your commands, legs going as fast as she could.

Making up to where you'd last left Arthur you dodged past the patrols of Pinkertons, rushing up the mountain only to find a body slumped on the ground, hoping it wasn't your husbands you rushed over and sighed when it wasn't him. Moving closer to the edge of the cliff you saw another another, one that looked like it has dragged itself closer. You knew, in your heart, that it was Arthur.

"Arthur!" You called out as you fell on your knees. Clutching his body, his chest only moving slightly as his eyes were slowly closing. "Hey, hey, I'm here. It's okay."

Arthur's hand moved to hold yours as he smiled up at you. His last breaths, slowly eating away at him as he watched you and the sunset. "It's pretty here ain't it?"

"I know you love the sunsets. It's beautiful, jus' like you huh?" You smiled as you took a second to look away from Arthur to the sunset, a mistake you'd come to regret for the rest of your life. Looking back down at him, you felt his hand go limp and his eyes close, his chest no longer moving, not even a small wheeze could be heard from him.

"Arthur? Hey- hey look at me." You gently turned his pale face to you, his cheek bruised and lip bust as you let a sob. "My Arthur, plese don't leave me, please. Not yet, I ain't ready!"

"No, no, I can't go on without you Arthur. I can't-" Your voice broke as you cried into his chest. Your chest aching in pain as your other half had been taken from you, half your heart had been ripped from your body as you collapsed onto him.

A rustling came from behind you but you didn't care, if it was the Pinkertons, you'd rather have then kill you than live without Arthur. "I- " Dutch's voice wavered as he watched you cry over your dead husbands body. "I am sorry Y/N."

You didn't have the energy to argue. "If you're here to kill me, then do it.. please.. least I'll die at the hands of someone I once trusted rather than a Pinkerton."

"I don't- I never wanted this- my son, Art-

"If you ain't here to kill me then go. Leave. NOW!" You brokenly yelled at Dutch, your former father figure and mentor, now a traitor to his own gang. To Arthur. You didn't want him to breathe Arthur's name. Dutch left quickly, hearing the patrols come closer.

"You lied Arthur. Told me you'd get us outta here." You sniffed. "That we'd be safe. Can't believe I actually believed ya honey."

"Was silly of me. I shoulda been here with ya, maybe then we'd have made it out alive."

"I ain't ever leaving you again Mr Morgan."

***

A few days later...

Charles had gotten word Arthur had died up in the mountains and made his way to find his body. But what he didn't expect to was to find you, holding on to your husband as you lay on his chest. Charles' felt a wave of sadness pass him as he saw how you clung to his body.

"Y/N.."

He'd managed to pry your from Arthur's body as he saddled the two of you on his horse. You'd muttered a few words to Charles about where you wanted Arthur's body buried. A small hilltop where you and Arthur had planned to buy out and live. It was perfect for the two of you, small and secluded, with a beautiful view of the sunset.

"Thank you Charles."

Charles watched as you sat besides your husbands grave, talking to yourself about memories from your younger days. Charles knew you were made for each other. With Arthur gone, he knew you'd never be yourself again because nothing heals a broken heart. Especially not one as broken as yours.

But what was left was that of a broken woman who couldn't go on without her husband.

***

#arthur morgan x reader #arthur morgan x female reader #arthur morgan x you #arthur morgan #red dead redemption two #red dead redemption 2 #rdr2 #melissa writes 💕

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beachesgetpeaches · 11 months

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All i want to say is thank you for what youre posting about this whole situation with matty and taylor. I personally think your responses are well thought out. Sure matty makes some really really bad choices in what he says or does and even acts etc. But that doesnt make him this evil person, the narrative people are trying to push.

I mean after all taylor did choose to be with him whether thats a relationship or friendship or whatever it may be. And if shes happy why start petitions to remove him from tour when clearly she wants him there. Yes i get he is problematic but thats not for fans to dictate who she spends her time with. There is no reason ANYONE should receive death threats, especially family members that have done nothing. We get so caught up and forget that celebrities are still people they still have feelings and they do take things to heart, so people saying they hope he OD's or relapses? That's is pretty messed up in itself.

The amount of hate he is getting is ridiculous, ive seen different articles and comments and whatnot contradicting each other on what and why things were said. But immediately we all jump to cancel someone, i agree if it was done in malice intent why would they still be a band? That is an excellent point. Honestly everyone is up in arms because shes dating someone who yes, does tend to be problematic. Should there be someone from their team (the 1975) to comment on the situation? Maybe, but that also could make things also worst. Noone knows for a fact what went on. Yes theres proof of him saying this but also no factual proof of him actually doing so, if that makes sense. Yes, joking or not, should not had been daid period.

Another point is if you do watch interviews, hes a different. He is into satire and you can tell. Not trying to make excuses for what hes said. Joking or not some of the things he has said he probably shouldn't have looking back, but you cant go back in time and change it so whats the point of dwelling on it. He also said he doesnt know himself and hes not going to form this idea of him because then every question or statement becomes a nightmare in interactions.

Long rant short, just thank you for standing up and speaking out. Yes these sites should be taken down and quiet honestly if people would focus their rage there instead of in threats there could be a difference. The fact they made these site so accessible and posting them. Thats the issue. This whole situation was bad from the jump but again desth threats and bashing on peoples careers, cancelling them... its not it.

Sorry!! Took a bit to answer this one bcs it was long 😅

Thank you, I've been thinking this through for the past few weeks (or so it seems to me), so I've had the time to construct my thought and opinions. And I was going to try to stay out of it because I thought/felt that getting into any discussions will just fuel the topic further while not getting through to people who have already condemn everything Matty does and Taylor alongside him.

But the level of horrible behaviour has reached its peak for me when I heard about death threats being sent, people saying they hope Matty ODs (ffs that one was very vile to read about), the open letter to Taylor was also a step too far for me (esp signing it as if it is the thoughts of the entire fandom), and then initiatives that people who go to specific shows turn around and not look at Taylor while she sings (I've heard second-hand about this BUT this would fuck with the entire show not for Taylor but for EVERYONE who is at that show)... basically, I just felt like if I don't say what I think it seemed as if I was agreeing with all of it.

I think it all comes down to some form of critical thinking, and also thinking for yourself. I have seen a lot of people parrot half-truths, repeat information which has not been true (from Matty liking nazi jokes - which I haven't seen evidence for, to some ww2 memorabilia comment which is false, and people also trying to spread shit like he is a pedophile or smth vile like that)... And it leaves this weird feeling in my brain, this whole outrage and cancel culture. Lowkey feels like tame public executions 😂 and I say this with utmost sensitivity.

But to me the world has come down to people actually actively waiting for someone to fuck up so they can do some symbolic online lynch and cancel them. Hashtags instead of pitchforks, cancellation instead as metaphorical death of a celebrity.

This situation with Matty (and I will focus more on him because Taylor really is the catalyst but she is very secondary to the discourse; or she should be)... but the thing with Matty proves that you can do a lot of positive shit, and you can say a lot of supportive things, and you can show through both your art and actions that you are a decent human being (flawed but decent) ... and none of it will matter if you do something that "the people/public" disagree with.

It ends up formulated as you being fake/performative because you are not constantly adhering to this morally perfect picture expected of you. Matty is clearly not perfect, he has clearly messed up on multiple occasions BUT he has also talked about important issues from what I've seen.

Sidenote: I have watched that interview with Zack Lowe (I think?) and it is very insightful and gives a nice perspective on the way he thinks.

But none of this matters because people (specific groups right) have already decided to treat him as if he has done the worst things imaginable (I maintain that all he should really be accused of is ongoing insensitivity and not finking things frew; iykyk... and like if that's an issue we can just be like yo Matty that was not chill pls don't and that ahould be it).

None of it matters because when you try to talk to people about the other point of view you end ip blocked or given the same "proof" you've already seen (but it's like a different compilation or a new thread or another copy paste article).

None of it matters because no one is ready to recognize that Matty is not anti-semitic, racist, islamophobic, or generally a bad human (all of this based on the gift that my hyperfixation is which has enabled me to consume so much info on the man and the band in the past weeks)... I maintain that for condemnation on those counts you need proof of continuous and purposeful behaviour with malicious intent.

And it would actually be much better to discuss his fuck-ups (which I believe he has accepted he will have, thats what I got from some interview I watched)... anyway, it would be much better to discuss his fuck ups in the context of those specific fuck-ups without pulling out heavy artillery of -isms, -phobics, etc.

....... ok I wrote a shitton lets wrap up

I went off on a tangent here, but I think we need to be realistic. As, I've said if Matty truly was all of the things he has been accused of the band would be no more, the fandom would not support them at all, there would be massive public condemnation, he would most definitely not be hanging out with A LOT of people who seem normal - unless I guess we are going to subscribe to the theory that eeeeveryone is a horrible fascist person (Taylor, Jack, the entire 1975, Gigi, Phoebe, Bo, Ryan, etc etc... I guess now Ice Spice is in the mix of people "collabing/hanging out" so lmao let's add her to that mix).

In general I think people use "heavy-words" too much in these online discourses which in retrospect dims their impact, yknow. Like is Matty insensitive edgy and has he said things that likely should not have been said/done? Yeah, like newsflash every person is flawed and literally for every person saying he is a nazi/racist/phobe/etc bet if I had as many recordings of them talking about various issues - I would be able to cherry-pick some shit out.

Anyway... people will stay mad, and people will stay believing that what they see is the ultimate and only "real" truth (while also knowing that they have only been privy to a small percentage of those peoples lives).

And when it comes to Taylor there has been this most fascinating thing with her - people just LOVE to watch her fall from grace. There is somehow nothing people enjoy more than having "proof" that Taylor is not this perfect good girl "she portrays herself to be", when all along it was the people who have put her on a damn pedestal and treated her as some perfect human being who can do no wrong.

#taylor swift #idk thats a lot of text #and again i do think peoples feelings are valid in regard to being hurt by what matty has said #BUT and there is one so sorry #being hurt that taylor is dating him like what?#she is not dating an alt-right nazi racist homophobic horrible human being okay?#she is dating a UK hipster lmao #and its not even mental gymnastics or “trying ti defend him”#it's just idk some form of logic?#matty healy #forgot to tag him sorry babes

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tadpolesonalgae · 7 months

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i've seen a lot of people saying they'd want cbmthy reader to end up in spring but i don't see it. reader only seems to have a bad relationship with az (and even that is not a harmful relationship per se, as much of an asshole as he's being i think he would protect her like he protects the rest of the ic and the night court) so going to spring makes no sense since 1. tamlin hurt her sister and 2. said sister damn near destroyed his court (actually kind of hate that she did that that way too but) and reader ending up there but still being on good terms with the night court just doesn't really make sense to me. also tamlin acts like a republican, he gave me the ick beyond repair, i know some people want a redemption (and i accept that) but id rather not have to read about him.

my personal feelings aside i think if reader really doesn't end up with azriel (which i think wouldn't make sense because then all the hurt would be for nothing) the best bets for her to move would be autumn with eris but only if eris is already high lord because subjecting her to beron would suck, the day court since helion is the closest to the night court and they trust him also she would love the libraries or she could replace lucien with vassa and jurian (or join him if he doesnt end up with elain or in the day court), the winter court maybe but only for the fact that it's tje other court that seems closer to the night court mostly because of vivianne. or my favorite which is just staying home lol her family is in the night court so even if her and az dont end up together she deserves to be able to stay there with her family as much as him. azriel loved mor for 500 years and knew she didnt love him back but they both still managed to act civil and be friends. even if az hurt reader more i hope it wouldn't be to the point of them not being able to be civil so they could just stay, and they live forever so she'd get over her feelings eventually and find someone new. moving a character away when something bad or a breakup happen is something i always disliked so maybe that's why im giving it so much thought but it really always feels off because what do u mean you can't both keep your family/friends? if nothing truly bad happens why does one character always have to leave? idk

before i finish i just wanna say im not trying to be mean or speak over anyone that has said they'd like her to be in spring. i just wanted to add my opinion but i know over writing like this we cant really convey much emotion so i dont want to sound mean or anything

First of all, I didn’t think you were being mean at all, but thank you for adding that clarification anyway :)

Secondly, to be fair, for me it’s not so much as where she goes rather that she simply needs some time elsewhere. Nothing permanent, but a shift in scene because she’s caught in stale waters and if nothing changes she won’t ever learn to step forward and progress. Also, while the idea of her going to the Spring Court is—I think—very fun, and would be like throwing a spanner in the works, I feel there are only really two places she could go that would make sense to the story, and neither of those are the Spring Court (as interesting as it could be)

Also, I am fully down for a Tam redemption arc 😭🤌

I don’t want to say who she’ll end up with because I think part of the fun is contained within not knowing? She might get with Bas for a bit but then move to the Autumn Court, might become happy by herself and content on her own, might get with Az only for a mating bond to pop up between her and Eris. Who knows? 👀

(I enjoy messing with you)

It might be fun for her and Helion to get in touch, even if it’s just her requesting a scroll or book from one of his libraries, but no promises about that 😭

And thank you for sending this in, it really helps guide me with future parts—helping me know what to emphasise or what I should try to expand upon if it’s been skated over in a previous chapter :) 🧡💛

#anons <3 #CBMTHY

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selamat-linting · 3 months

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living after experiencing sa is so weird like, the same piece of writing about assault could do nothing or it could send me into a week long spiral and its just a matter of dumb luck or pure chance that determines my brains' reaction to it. i've had moments where im legitimately triggered in the middle of re-reading something i actually enjoy as porn. over the years i figured it was because i had small triggers that are abstract or wasnt easily noticeable or doesnt feel like anything until its in the spesific context of sa. like being trapped in an enclosed space with strangers, begging to be sent home, being deceived, having your preferences and interests weaponized against you, the really lonely and painful walk home afterwards where no one comes to save you but maybe its better off this way since you dont want to be seen, those are things im particularly sensitive with. for example, a few years ago i got really messed up about this anecdote of a kid who got kidnapped by a neighbor for a few hours. he offered to see his cat and then lock them up in a room while theyre playing with said kittens. nothing actually happens but that made me legit depressed for a few days. while im fine talking with my friend about an incident where she got followed by a creepy guy who groped her while she's walking home. both situations are horrifying and bad ofc, but i cant exactly communicate or find an easy way to filter out the bad. like, i can handle hearing the graphic details, the bare bones account of what happens, but if it touches on how the victim was tricked or deceived or gets taken advantage of, even when its basically the least upsetting part, i just couldnt do it.

idk, maybe its because my experience was more in the mental stuff. yeah sure, it was only some groping, an almost kiss, and some sex talk. but the context was that i asked for help, someone friendly comes along, they say theyre just helping me but turns out they actually have ulterior motives. i was stuck in a car for hours to god knows where, fully knowing i was gonna get raped when the car eventually stops, trying to plead or at least delay it with someone i thought was a friend without being too harsh because i know they could do even worse things if i drop this thin veneer of friendliness we got going on. and all the while this asshole kept touching me in spots i didnt even realize was a sensitive place for me and i had to keep a straight face the whole time because if they see a hint that i liked it, its over. did i like though? yeah. do i want it? fuck no. never in a million years. and i felt betrayed because im supposed to have that moment of discovery with a boyfriend or a girlfriend and it was supposed to be nice and comforting but its not. and i might associate gentle touches with this forever. and there's also a part of me that said, hey somebody wants me. dont you want to be wanted? i might as well enjoy it because no one's gonna offer me hot car sex like this. i should try to get myself wet! this is a new experience that i should just see the bright side of. im supposed to be a kinky slut right? i just turned 20. and after all, i promised myself, after the first time i had my sa as a kid, the next time it happens im gonna fight. and what am i doing right now? i'm just running my mouth. im laughing at my soon to be rapists' joke and i tell him we should meet up later instead of doing everything right now since i had work later in the day. this isnt fighting, its bargaining. and all the while im wondering if i look pretty while im doing this. i hope i look pretty. im just wearing sweatshirt and pajama pants. this is sick, why do i want to look good while im sexually assaulted?

i never told this to anyone except a friend. but even she didnt get the whole account. she just know it happens. its the part that actually upsets me that i didnt tell her. the whole violated trust thing. and how dumb i am for instantly accepting help from an acquaintance i dont even know that well. and what happens after the car stops. all she knows is that when it stops, i pushed him off of me and i left the car and run.

to her it just seems like im valiantly fighting off an asshole. she didnt know that after i ran, a bunch of men saw me running. they asked me if i need help. they were kind. but i thought of the hassle of reporting to the police, being grilled with questions, have my entire behavior scrutinized, and my parents vacillating between unhelpful anger or chastising me for being so trusting and eventually isolating me because i cant be trusted to exist in a public space without being harassed and god i dont want to miss work today and theyre gonna ask why if i had to miss a day and theyre gonna know too. so obviously i shut up. i couldnt say anything. the fuck who assaulted me came, and get this, i went back to his car. i didnt sit next to him, i was sitting at the backseat, and he was angry and yelled at me the entire time while driving me back to the closest bus station. i didnt say anything, and i actually paid him money before leaving. i was a coward.

in hindsight, what happens after the next few month after that was just me trying to compensate for the shame and utter incompetence i felt. i thought i was good at being confrontational and assertive, but when it actually matters, i cant speak. it was awful. i mean, it was a moment of self improvement, i did evolve from being an awkward self-important debate kid to an adult who relies on being good with persuading people for a living. im proud of that. but the feeling of helplessness still remains. im still afraid that when it happens again, i'd just clam up like usual. even though i already successfully fend off several people trying to fuck with me before anything that bad ever happens because im a hot saleswoman now. it felt weird calling myself a victim or a survivor because, it just happens. i didnt survive shit nor do i want to be a victim. i dont want to be pitied. and i dont want to be called brave or anything because im anything but.

except that everytime something reminds me of my sa incident, i kept having this urge to tell somebody, and i'd wrote a long paragraph detailing everything that happened including all of the uncomfortable details that didnt make me look good as a victim. and then i'd delete it before sending because its not good to tell your personal triggers online right? but i have no one i want to talk about this irl. and i cant imagine any well-meaning response that doesnt make me angry. i kept thinking about it. if anyone acknowledged this happens to me, i have no socially acceptable response. im not sure if anyone could understand or be sympathetic. i mean, imagine someone told you a grave secret about them and then they get angry and throw a tantrum when you say youre keeping their secret to the grave. youre in the right to be angry and confused at them. and its one thing to write a retrospective like this, and its another thing talk about it directly. i wouldnt be self aware to control myself. i'd just ruin another friendship because i got pissed off for no discernable reason.

i dont really know where im going with this. i think i just wanted to get this out of my system. its been what? three years? im sick of keeping that shit in. i think i just need to talk about it, sort of like a confessional before moving on for good. anyway, your usual shitposting will resume shortly. bye bitch!

#sa cw #this is about my personal experience with it #and something about abstract triggers

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roseworth · 1 year

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What don’t people like about Tom Taylor’s Nightwing run? (Genuinely asking.) I haven’t read any other Nightwing runs in full but I have read some old one-shots like Old Friends, New Enemies (alright) and The New Order (absolute garbage), as well as the entirety of New Teen Titans and the 2003 Titans run. I’m not that emotionally invested in Taylor’s run. Every time I see Babs as Batgirl I get so angry my vision blurs but besides that I just kinda read it every month like “that was kinda fun” and then I forget about it. Do people dislike it because of how frivolous it is or is it too two-dimensional a representation of his character or…? I’m just confused because I love being a hater but I see him bullied a lot more than other authors who deserve it more (like Scott Lobdell, who we should guillotine) and idk why (besides the obvious ableism problem with Babs, but that’s a company wide issue). I hope this ask isn’t annoying or unintentionally rude or anything. I’m genuinely just curious. I mean, hey, if we’re all lining up to attack Tom Taylor with hammers, I’ll get in line but I gotta know why, y’know?

idk why everyone else doesnt like him so i cant speak for anyone but myself (i also havent read any other full nightwing runs so maybe my opinion doesnt count hfsadkjhfsaj)

but personally my biggest problem with it is babs being batgirl :/ even batgirls is making half an attempt to put her in the wheelchair sometimes, but this run feels like its going out of its way to make babs be batgirl

other than that there arent like. Major Problems its just bad lmao, the writing feels so forced all the time and its like hes structuring the whole story around moments that he wants (like dick hugging bruce and calling him dad) but then all the moments seem unearned because he barely built up to it and it feels out of place. also theres like,,, no actual plot. he keeps pretending that theres actually a story but then nothing happens every issue

not to mention the way he writes dick is so. ugh. its like dick cant do anything with help which is really annoying bc hes getting knocked on his ass by random villains every month and then its like "oh but he has so many friends and the titans are here to help him <3!!!!" and then that happens 50 times

anyways. i think that a big reason he gets a lot of hate now rather than someone like lobdell is because lobdell isnt currently writing anything (afaik? hes not writing anything that i care about at least fhdjsahfk) so even though i want him to die hes not in my line of vision and i have no object permanence. TAYLOR on the other hand is writing multiple books rn and i see people hail him as one of dc's best writers and its sooo frustrating so i hate him. he also annoys me so i think he should die

most of what annoys me personally is that he writes the most bland stories with no actual characterization but there are still people acting like hes gods gift to earth in the form of a comic writer ://// like hes not a good writer, hes writing moments that are intended to be screenshotted and posted on twitter instead of writing stories

im not trying to convince you to hate tt or anything ofc, theres nothing wrong with his nightwing run (other than the ableism which like you said is prob more of a dc editorial thing than him specifically) so if you enjoy it thats great, godspeed 🫡

#i actually enjoyed his nightwing run when i was first reading it #i thought it was fun and i was like 'o im excited to see where this goes <3'#um. then it didnt go anywhere. then i realized that it sucks really bad #hes annoying on twitter too which is probably the worst thing anyone has ever done and is a crime worse than murder

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sillspore · 5 months

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Same anon from the long post one.

I like the idea but some of seen too much (Don't think I hate you please 😭, a lot Wc fans can't handle criticism sometimes and go right to you thinking if someone criticizes them/or their art they must hate the person)

Maybe because just I'm bramblestar and squilf's fan, I could be bias but I wish Brambleshade is more than just a dick? I understand you hate him and that is fine but making his whole character as nothing but a character with all flaws (that what I got from reading your post, not trying to assume anything, don't change your AU just because I or anyone said so, it's your work do what you want) seem lame to me.

He is seem more to have nothing but flaws, I don't see him doing a lot of those. Him trying to exiling Squirrelflight seems something he won't do at all and have.Again no hate toward you, I think your AU could be nice to some people but not for me. Not because of you, it just seem every AU with Brambleclaw, he is same character over again.

He is either a evil, good for nothing cat who is only there to have power of three plot to happen or like I said before a man wife.

again no hate to you but the AU isn't for me but I can definitely see other people liking, maybe I would like more if you make a fanfic about it, who knows. Again I'm not saying cant have a bad/ a character you don't like befit anyone's view because it's your fanfic, all that. It's up to you.

It just seem repeat from every other AU about or around Bramnleclaw. I hope to see ur AU grow ever through I don't like some of plots in it ❤️ /ih

yeah, i understand lol! since i haven’t written anything, it’s just an outline, the characters may seem very shallow or one dimensional :) i do want to give brambleshade good qualities — in the beginning he IS good. firestar made him deputy, after all, so he must have seen leader qualities within brambleclaw. however, the intent behind this au is to add small things i like, and make canon work. a lot of plot threads and character choices in warriors are… weird, to say the least. the goal with brambleshade is to make his canon character work. in the new prophecy, he’s kind of annoying, but he’s a good guy. he’s noble, and strong, and caring. but he DOES act petty and rude to squilf after the reveal of the three’s heritage (which personally, i feel he’s within his rights to do, for the lies she led him on with), he DOES act like the three aren’t his kids after (which is so dumb to me), and he DOES use his power as a leader to set up situations to make squirrelflight look disrespectful or dumb. he puts her in dangerous situations, forces her to choose her morals over his orders (thinking of squirrelflight’s hope here), and punishes her for it.

listen, in my head, my brambleclaw is a good guy. he’s a good cat-husband, a good dad, and a good if somewhat bland leader. in my head, he’s goldenflower’s son and he acts like it. but if i put HIM in THIS au, sooo many plots simply wouldn’t happen. to match the flow of canon, i’d have to create new plots and villains and honestly? i don’t want to haha. i’m still in school, i don’t have a whole lot of time to dedicate to this. so, i’m sticking with mostly canon overarching plots and doing what i need to make it work. and in canon, bramblestar sucks. they make him cruel and vindictive and a horrible mate to squirrelflight, sometimes he outright constructs narratives to come up with reasons to be mad at her. it’s crazy. personally, i see it as them ruining him to create a new antagonist, but they refuse to make him a villain, so no one recognizes or checks his behavior. it’s so infuriating, i wish the authors would pick a characterization. stick with the intended brambleclaw and actions that make sense for him, or stick to him going “evil” and acting insane (aka how he acts in squirrelflight’s hope).

so, to make canon work, bramble is good, then “bad” (acting within reason, but the protags are his not-kids who he’s being rude to, so he’s perceived badly), then bad. he’s not meant to be evil, he isn’t ashfur or anything. but the story is meant to show that he is heartbroken, and emotionally vulnerable, and embraces a vindictive part of himself he’s never let air (which IS canon, his thought process on if he should kill firestar in sunset or not is genuinely disturbing lmao). then he gets his mate back. and THEN he is killed, possessed, mentally violated. this RUINS him. he is not mentally stable, and this allows for squirrelstar to happen. i can very well just kill him at the end of the broken code instead, it achieves the exact same result. if that’s what you guys prefer, that works for me :) the intent of bramblestar trying to exile squirrelflight for “betraying” him is to show how he’s degraded, kind of like bluestar in arc 1, and give way for the audience to see the new code rule (stripping a leader of their power) . that’s kind of what i meant by “you won’t like this if you like brambleclaw” lol. i dislike his canon character, but in my head hes just a little guy. he’s got great potential and i love him. but that has no place in this au, because conflict is NEEDED.

i hope this doesn’t come across as defensive !!! just trying to explain why i made the decisions i did :) i really appreciate your thoughts and you sending them to me! the entire point of me sharing this blog is to receive suggestions and criticisms.

my intent isn’t to make brambleclaw evil, just an antagonist. i like to imagine if i have him die before squilf gets her lives, like in the final battle of tbc (idk what he’d die to yet though, haven’t reread those books yet), he’d regain mental clarity in starclan and give her a life, for love. <3

#erin hunter warriors #warrior cats #warriors #warriors rewrite #warriors au #squirrelflight #brambleclaw #bramblesquirrel

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fictionkinfessions · 2 years

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I wonder if my Collei is out there. If she remembers me. The times I'd talk to her during her treatments (trying my best to tame that bad residue batch Barnabas gave- Which he wasnt even supposed to give her before my personal evaluation of her wellbeing. Uhg.)

I wonder if she remembers me letting her escape, or the bag of supplies I even prepared for her right outside. The stories I told her of old patients and my old elezar studies.. She did always seem to be listening, even if she never talked back.

I am sorry for your living conditions, Collei. I know you dont see weight in those words, especially if the Collei's reading this arent my own. You never should have been used for any experiments, mine or my underlings. You should have only gotten the elezar treatments, your condition upon reaching snezhnaya was so terrible I was furious learning you had gotten residue. And even more furious when seeing how volitile the batch you got was. Granted I cant say your living conditions would have been better if you were treated properly, I didnt have the best holding rooms for any experiments or patients. (and yes I will partially blame Pantalone's budget, though admitedly my Prime Body was so far gone I didnt think about patient comfort most of the time by this point..)

Im still surprised despite all of that, you managed to survive. Given the state you were in upon arrival I thought you would be dead for sure. But you're such a tough kid. And well- Okay I will brag a bit, my elezar treatments are very good. Despite their painful side effects. I was still working on that-

Im sorry Im rambling- And I really doubt any Collei has read this far- And if one of you has, please do not read this as me expecting forgiveness, or for you to like me in the slightest. The things you were roped into were far worse than you ever should have had, and Im still upset that Barnabas acted on his own like that. (His given job was simply to collect some willing Elezar patients. As working on treatments for it had become a passtime of mine. His residue experiments were only supposed to go to patients I directly approved of. And he ignored all of my instructions.)

I just hope you have SOME slightly positive memories. Again of my stories, the small bits of kindness my badly calibrated clone caused to shine through. I think about those times more than I'd like to. It fills me with too much guilt. Reminds me of what I was like before the Akademiya and Fatui drove me too far. It makes me scared to share these mems. I'm terrified typing this right now actually. I'm so prepared for people to attack me despite my wishes or the blogs rules for decency. To accuse me of "erasing Dottore's cruelty" or "expecting forgiveness from all Collei kins" even though I've directly said I'm not expecting that.

I just hope my Collei remembers those moments. They can feel however they please about me, I don't care, I'll never look for them, I don't look for anyone. I just don't want to be the only one who has to remember these events.

Maybe my Collei would like to hear that these memories of kindness haunt me. Maybe they want to know that I'm suffering from knowing how much better I could have been in that life if events had played out a bit differently.

It wouldn't surprise me if the average Collei kin wished for nothing but pain for me, anyway, memories of me or not. (not intended to make you pity me I promise. Im just used to how much the community despises me)

~Il Dottore 🕯♟

P.S. If you're thinking of sending a negative response to me (No matter who you may be), don't bother. There's nothing you can say to me that the community or my brain havent already said before. Don't waste your time. I garuntee you, I already know.

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #dottorekin #genshinimpactkin #memories issue #medical cw #?#prevabuse #apology #experiments cw #medical abuse cw #death cw #mod party cat

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sakura-otome · 20 days

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Alright, since Utakata no Uchronia is finally being released and I'm gonna be picking up my reservation at Stella Worth tomorrow, let's go through the main and also side characters and talk about which ones I would totally smash

For those of you who don't know Broccoli, the company that produced Jack Jeanne, has come out with a new otome game as of 4/11.

The writing team is basically the exact same team as the one that worked on Piofiore, including the artist RiRi

I'm genuinely so hype for this game. I never ever ever reserve the special edition for a game, but I'm confident this will be a masterpiece like Piofiore. The character designs are all great, the voice actors are top notch A-listers, and they even used live 2D to animate all the sprites! Which has never been done in an otome game before.

This game also has a free trial, which let's you play through the common route, so I definitely encourage anyone who's interested and able to read Japanese to go ahead and play it.

Anyways, let's get to the main cast!

Okay first and foremost, our lovely protagonist ~ ❤️❤️

Her default name is Hinagiku, which is so darn cute!

I don't play games if I don't like the MC's design, but she passes with flying colors. I love white hair, her outfit is fantastic, and I don't find her personality grating. She's actually quite fun!

1000% SMASH

Next is Yashiro

VA: Kobayashi Chiaki

He's clearly the main hero. Putting aside plot stuff and other predictions, his big thing is being quite mysterious. Though he's very friendly, due to his amnesia at the story, we know basically nothing about him. From what I could glean from the info on the site and character PVs, I'm definitely sensing self hatred and angst, and also he's much bolder than I would have expected!

SMASH

Next is Tobari

VA: Okamoto Nobuhiko

So far, he's the one I'm most looking forward to. He's the face of the red light district, and is very dependable despite his age. I really adore the deep kindness that seems to underly his tough exterior, and the voice samples give me the picture of a someone who won't reach out to the MC because of his role, and what it would do to her if he were to take that chance. It doesn't matter if she wants it, it would lead to her unhappiness —

Listen I could go on. But to summarize.

Here's the thing about me. I'm always craving a specific kind of angst. I love when one party rejects the other, not because the feelings aren't mutual, but because they have to choose to live by their principles in some way. And I feel that Tobari is the most likely to scratch this itch.

1 MILLION PERCENT SMASH

Next up is Awayuki

VA: Saito Soma

He is basically the MC's personal butler/guardian. They've been by each other's sides since they were children, and he was one of the few that remained after the fire that destroyed her home and killed her parents when she was 8.

I certainly don't dislike this dynamic, but it's not necessarily my biggest thing. The notes said that the theme for his route was "attachment" or "obsession", from the both if them, which is intriguing to me because MC doesn't seem intense to me in that way, but we'll have to see!

SMASH

Next is Yori

VA: Eguchi Takuya

He's an officer in the militia Kurozuru, and is outright stated in his bio to have quite the nasty personality.

Tbh he pisses me off too much for me to make a fair assessment of him. He's perfectly physically attractive but I cant get past the urge to strangle him Homer Simpson style.

I'm looking forward to his route only insofar as I hope he gets put in his goddamn place.

PASS

Next up, Tsuyukusa

VA: Matsuoka Yoshitsugu

He's a skilled craftsman and a childhood friend to the MC.

He has the biggest, fattest, most obvious crush on the MC right out the gate, and it's honestly the cutest thing ever.

I'm honestly shocked this girl hasn't noticed, he barely hides it. Bitch is cute but hella dense.i honestly feel bad for him at this point.

He's really giving me cat energy. Real meow meow catboy energy if you will. Anyway

SMASH

Moving onto side characters! Woo!

Tsuwabuki

VA: Azakami Yōhei

So apparently he's Yori's older brother who also works in Kurozuru. From what I've seen of this guy, he's genuinely one of the nicest people ever, and I cannot believe he is related to Tori in any capacity. A mystery how he turned out so well-adjusted while Yori is an unapologetic dickhead. Would love to see a side story with him.

SMASH

This is Aijiro

VA: Toya Kikunosuke

Works for Yori. Hates his boss but is one of the few actually capable of working with him. Personally, not my type, design or personality wise.

PASS

Next up, Karatachi

VA: Fukuyama Jun

The head of Kurozuro. Is known to be quite eccentric and difficult to work with.

Listen, out of everyone in this game, he's the one I would personally jump in an alley. OBSESSED.

SMASH SMASH SMASH SMA–

Moving on, Shioji

VA: Yoshimura Kazuhiro

He's Tobari's right hand man, and also sort of "older brother". He's friendly and charming but I'm not particularly struck by him or his design.

PASS

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skittsyteacup · 1 year

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TW VENT!! dont read if ur sad or smth!!!

i hesitate to write this. genuinely. theres people i know will see it and theres those who wont but i really want to. i dont even feel upset writing this, i feel pretty good actually. i think writing this wont help, i know it wont, but itll be said right? which is better than nothing(maybe).

some of us, and i wont name, have a horrible habit of checking accounts of people we no longer talk to and wow! you guessed it. exs fall into that. its mainly to see how theyre doing(usually /neg) or cus theyre bored. but we all get those memories. and the pain can meld to others which sucks, really. thankfully this doesnt happen often! but it still happens and it still hurts. an example is one of them sent a anon tell to an ex of ours asking if they checked their exs accounts. part of the reason why other than curiosity was because we were a little suspicious they sent us tells n shit. im more confident they dont now after a bit of research but we cant talk in headspace easily. and even so who wants to talk about their bad habits? not them. but to the actual point, ive had nightmares my whole life. i dont have dreams anymore as far as i can tell, they always morph their way into something i dont count as a decent thing. and more often than not ive found someone from our past whos hurt us a lot is always there. we had one with a man named steven who ruined our childhood a couple days ago. we screamed at him about how we hate him so fucking much and personally? thats progress! we recognize we didnt deserve it. we recognize that it was wrong and he deserves to burn.

but quite a few of these nightmares have our most recent ex. since theyre not almost dead like steven i wont name them, ill refer to them as K. im not sure theyll see any of this. part of us hopes they will. part of me hopes that too. id like to help set the record straight.

we dated them for a year and a few days. we met on discord and grew close in a short amount of time. they were 16, i was 14. theyre 18 and im 16 now. so its been almost 2 years, its been 2 years since we met though. the relationship was good as far as i knew but now as ive grown i realize even if the age gap isnt big, thats 2 different maturities. they were hypersexual, i was asexual. the pressure made me graysexual and im also now hypersexual(in a way). i felt bad for saying no, which made me what others see as a shy partner who relies on their s/o to function. i felt bad that i didnt rely on them to exist, as if theyd get mad at me for not needing them to breath. and i think i was right too. even if they think now ‘no i wouldnt of’, i know that that would upset them. because in a way, a twisted way, thats upsetting to someone who wants to be your whole world. they want you to only need them. theyve probably changed. i hope theyve changed.

but someone stalked their tellonym the other day to see the answer to the tell they sent and they found something else, im quoting so i dont fuck it up, “whats your opinion on a partner that is being shy?” “it’s whatever but i can’t stand overly shy partners like i’m not going to do everything for you. my ex was like that and it drove me fucking insane” i want to scream and yell that ‘you did this, this is your fault, it was and still is a problem you created’ but ive grown too. we’ve grown. but i want to talk about how youre wrong, K. how wrong you are. you got upset when i told you no, when i wasnt ready to fuck, when i had issues sleeping, when i hung out with anyone, when my constant attention wasnt on you. you probably dont remember it like that, and thats ok but it wont change my memory in any way. you can shit talk me and i know you have about things you shouldnt. you can get angry over this. i hope you do in a healthy way and right now some of us disagree with me hoping that. back to the topic at hand, though, i felt like you would hurt me if i didnt get your permission or do something you didnt like. maybe thats why i got called co dependent. and i dont mean physically, that youd hurt me like that, i meant mentally. i wouldve dont the physical part. i know i wouldve. i know all of us wouldve. an unspoken part of our brain thought if we didnt then we didnt love you. i remember one time, i was up past 12. you woke up and saw. you got upset, made me feel like the worst person because i wasnt asleep. i went into another room and hyperventilated, having one of the worst panic attacks ive ever had. thankfull i was too distraught to search for anything harmful, and the house was small(we all slept in the living room, the other 3 rooms were in shambles(kitchen worked a little)) so searching for stuff was noisy already. and i knew if i relapsed you would make it about you. which is another thing. i dont think you ever realized it. i could never bring it up either for that reason. i didnt like talking to you about my issues because id just end the topic feeling worse than i started, but this time id also feel like i hurt you. and since you didnt like me talking to other people, and when i was i had to tell you, i just never said anything. and when id have doubts about our relationship, like i felt like you didnt love me/i didnt know how to handle something with you/you did something i didnt like/i noticed a red flag/you think im cheating, i didnt have anyone to talk to. i think i didnt break up with you because i never vocalized my doubts too. i did ask my friends during our half ass break if i seemed like a cheater, if i was like one, if i had tendencies of one. ive been cheated on before and i personally dont think im like one at all but others insight helps a lot! they said no, though, but part of me is still scared they lied. it doesnt matter much anymore though. anyway. to continue on your wrongdoings of a sort, you also accused me of cheating many times within the last week or two of our relationship because i 1) didnt let you log into my discord, you never told me why you wanted to and i wasnt ready to talk to you about a few things until i saw you(or was supposed to) 2) called you a new petname, i called you a lot of things related to the moon i dont understand why that upset you 3) everyone you talked to about us said i was cheating(ill admit, im still a bit disappointed your mom thought that too.). i cant think of anything else at the moment. but still its all bad, right? i dont know anymore. i still feel like i deserved everything you did to me. but ive been told i dont. that i didnt deserve the sexual pressure and the sexualization, that i deserved a nurturing relationship. but you still helped shape who i am now, mostly for the worst, but i know what not to do now so thats something?

im gonna end this here. its long enough, ill continue at a later date if i need to, reblogging is a thing here. i just needed somewhere to say this. theres more to say but god this is long?? enough for now??? and i need to do other things. on a side note, i hope osiris is doing well.

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namuneulbo · 1 year

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week sixty-four

this week. woah. it was......... a lot.

well, to start off... i have a crush on v. i figured this out on monday and since then its gotten so severe lol. monday to friday was spent thinking ab him and also apparently not hiding it very well from l. ill come back to this later but this entire chapter will for sure be ab him and also in sm detail.

ive kind of talked a lot ab him and just my “new friends” in general a lot w l and my mom. i think my mom even has suspicions that i like either d or v (bc i talk ab them the most prob).

i started spamming n, s and t and also i, m and t ab him. i wont be able to cover what i told them all individually but n def received the most detailed info yet only one pic (WHICH WAS A HORRIBLY EMBARRASSING ONE I TOOK ON BEREAL WHEN IT CUT EVERYONE OUT AND THEIR POSES SO IT WAS JUST HIM NOT POSING AAAAA I FEEL LIKE A MOM WHO TAKES PICS OF HER KIDS WO CONSENT TT). i talked A LOT w s ab him too and w t i just spammed quickly on monday/tuesday i think, i cant bother checking. when i told i, m and t they immediately asked for a pic and i was scared theyd bully me lol but they said hes solid WOO! s approved of him too, saying the nail polish and his guitar made him seem very much like my type.

ill give u all who might be reading this a lil description of his pros. i would say a reminder to future me as well but yk maybe we end up together so :* heres what weve got so far:

- hes taller than me.

- has a niiiiiice voice.

- nice sense of style. its like basic as in plain colors (pretty much only black, hell wear white sweaters or super dark colors). it looks so good.

- hes a metalhead (+ we have two bands in common, ghost and polyphia).

- piercingssss!

- hes so talented, like he can play guitar, drums AND piano flawlessly.

- hes funny.

now to his cons: he’s not fully single. so. um. idk if theyre dating or in a situationship or just talking but its something for sureeee.

i dont ever want to like, break them up on purpose or like make moves on him while theyre talking bc im not a fucking douchebag. it is quite sad seeing them together though. i cant help but dislike the girl hes w a bit even though i dont want to, shes really cool and gorgeous and nice im just so O_o

on wednesday we had band class and i was MESMERIZED. he had a concert that same day so he was dressed up in a navy button-up, black jeans cuffed over a black pair of chelsea boots. i had to leave a couple times during practice bc i had to practice harmonies w the singers and i remember literally feeling sad ab not being able to stare at him playing the piano so perfectly.

in the evening i went out to the bar for the weekly music quiz they do. i went w a, c and v at first but later on d and p joined (not dan and phil sadly). i was super awkward lol but it was my first time hanging out w just them and it felt so,,,, new to me. im glad i did it though, ig? i got to see him even if it was awkward. also, i think d has my old backpack that i left to a thrift shop. its a floral pattern w black faux leather details and gold buttons. its quite cute and it fits him really well.

i did eventually warm up a bit but nothing crazy.

i was already comfy around c but after wednesday, i was also comfy around d. he was so nice that i even questioned if i liked him as well but turns out i was probably really desperate TT i tend to never be interested in ANYONE when i like someone and thats really obvious now. even though my chances w v r low, i still deleted all my dating apps and stuff bc i dont have the desire to go on them as of rn.

on friday i had been CRAVING a party to go to all day. i was just waiting for someone to send a message saying “yo, party at vs place!”. we usually party at his place. i literally ranted to my mom ab how bad i was hoping for someone to throw a party and this wasnt even just bc of getting to see v but i was genuinely so socially starved. finally, around 19:30 id say, someone sends a message in the class gc telling everyone ab a party at his place. i immediately message l begging for them to come w me and even saying if they dont, ill go either way bc i want to go so bad. they end up declining and i go to the party myself. i get ready in a few minutes, just fixing my day-old makeup and eating and drinking water and stuff so i wont throw up the second i drink alcohol. i was so quick and i was walking w such speed around the house so i think my mom has probably started to connect the dots now that theres someone i like bc im never that excited ever. i leave along w my mom who took the dog out for a walk. since v lives so nearby she walked w me pretty much the entire way.

id never usually be this confident but i had been talking w s the entire day and she hyped me up SO much. i actually love her sm for that. i arrive there, v throws down his keys from the balcony, i catch them and go up to his apartment. i was a tad bit quiet in the beginning but i really tried to force myself to just relax and look cool and i did after a little while. we blasted metal and one of the first things they did was that everyone of them, c, d and v, went out for a smoke so i joined in even though i dont smoke but i enjoyed the lil passive smoking sesh on the tiny balcony, stuck behind d and v.

(bereal just went off, vs so cute).

anyways, i quite quickly felt more relaxed, i kinda forced myself to sit more,, relaxed and stop fidgeting and i got more included in the convo by queueing songs to play. i first asked v to queue kingslayer by bmth and babymetal and he was super excited ab it so i was so glad he liked it. we listened to it on a party a whileeee ago and i remember being so excited ab the fact that he liked that song too. a had arrived by now and hes v good to have there in that sense that he will make me join in the convo somehow if i havent talked in a while. he made me queue another song and i queued drowning lessons by mcr. i was so caught by surprise and i always get so shit at using tech shit and the internet in front of ppl, idk why, so v started guiding me on what buttons to press TT i hadnt thought of drowning lessons in the first place actually but i just kind of naturally went w mcr for some reason and then ended up choosing my fav song by them. we listened to it and v was like “DID HE JUST VOICE BREAK???” and i was like “oh, maybe? i mean its their first album so the mixing and recording might be a bit shit” and he replayed the part and was like “THERE IS A VOICE BREAK!” and c started explaining to him in distress that its just how u sing punk TT after a while v was like “its still going? how long is it?” and checked and it was right before the outro and i was like “waittt, we havent gotten to the best part yet!” and he leaves it and the breakdown comes and he does a stankface and just looks at me like “oh, a breakdown ending, hell yeah!” and i was so happy haha

last song i queue is taking you out by passcode. as i was typing it v read out what i was typing and kept guessing songs, heh, it was so cute. he asked me ab the band and stuff and then said like “oh, she growls really well for a woman” and the proceeds to elaborate in distress that he didnt mean it in a misogynistic women-cant-growl type of way but in a its-genuinely-harder-for-a-woman-to-do-metal-growls. it was quite cute, he tends to do that a lot, like overexplaining things so ppl dont think hes being a dickhead even though he says very normal things TT its so cute and it really shows that he cares.

i mentioned that i was ab to start learning growling w my vocal teacher and how she also said she wants to get the singer of finntroll to come and teach growling to me (WHICH IS SO COOL???). v was like “oh my god, im also ab to practice growling w my vocal teacher” and then when i told him ab the singer of finntroll thing he got so excited and just “what??? for real??? thats so cool???” and proceeds to be like “omg, when ur w him tell him uve got a friend who wants to have a lesson w him too” and c joins in and says the same. i felt so cool in that moment haha

me, c and d went out to go meet the ppl from school who had been touring all week. before we left i went to pee and literally on the toilet i was smiling sm bc i felt so comfy and happy and all that in that moment like, i was talking to him??? and he was talking back???? and he smiled???? he wanted to talk to me????? i did a lil happy jump sesh after i washed my hands. then otw to school, me, c and d were jumping around and running and yelling. them bc they were drunk, me bc i was so excited abt finally feeling comfy w them + obviously getting to talk to v successfully after crushing so hard on him the past week. i was so happy too bc i finally felt like i kind of belong. i felt for the first time true that like “oh my god, they dont hate me!”. so while meeting the ppl at school i was sooooo happy and like greeting everyone and just smiling and feeling so cool and included and aaaaaaa i was so happy i cant even explain it. c and d r the coolest ppl ever!!!

we went back w s + we left d behind for a bit, sorry d!! now this was when i was truly connecting the dots between s and v. partypooper. i did tag along to the bar w all of them afterwards though. i just went by my place to eat something and get my id.

i arrived to the bar and i sat down next to c at first but later moved next to d so i could sit on the couch. me and c went to buy drinks and then d left to go smoke. there was an awkward space between me and v so i tried to subtly move closer to him and later when d came back he just sat in the spot i sat earlier so i sat between him and v.

more ppl arrived and i ended up becoming squished between d and v. NOW THIS. this changed me as a whole human being. i have been terrified of men all my life and w not specific reason bc the thing is that its not rooted in like, being scared that theyll do something, i just genuinely get more tense around men than women. this moment was so, special to me and not just bc i was squished next to v and our arms and legs were in constant touch but like, i got this kind of realization that, maybe i dont need to be nervous. like, theres nothing to worry ab. i trust d and v. theyre really nice. d i was already comfy w since wednesday and v i just that evening got comfy w. although i am touch deprived i really just,,, felt so happy, safe and relaxed in a group if people, in the middle of two men. i didnt feel the need to fidget out of nervousness and stuff. i was just, calm.

v looks over at me and asks me how drunk im planning to get. he himself says he wants to be so drunk he throws up. i jokingly reply saying i dont want to throw up. he starts showing me a scale w his hands, going down from ten and giving each level its own name so like “this is throw up drunk, this is like this and this is that...” and i end up saying i wanna get slighty above drunk and hes just like “so like a six?” and i nod. he says something along the lines of “thats cool, thats solid”.

later a girl sits next to d and begins talking w her. he starts whispering w v over my lap and i just sit there laughing awkwardly, hoping someone would notice and laugh w me as well. they dont talk for too long but they do this again later and talk for like two minutes straight over my lap and i just use this time to admire vs back and his ear piercings. d apologises and i chuckle and tell him its fine and that i didnt mind (i really did not bc i am truly so touch-starved). d later tells me ab this girl and bc of the music he has to really be close to my ear and talk w me. we talk like that for a while and he says hes glad i understand his situation. long story short, this girl had apparently been trying to flirt w him even though he has a girlfriend. i think he handled the situation really well.

v once again looks over at me, this time as were both kind of resting against the booth, bodies facing each other. he just asked how i was feeling today but it felt so intimate and i was savoring the conversation and eye contact as much as i could. i told him that i was really craving social interaction today so i was really glad i could tag along w them. he acted a bit funnily so i asked him how drunk he was. he said he feels a bit sick. idk why but that convo was so :’) i am TREASURING it.

him and s decided to leave, making almost everyone else leave. i stayed for a bit w a and c and some other unknown ppl but decided to leave after a bit. while me, a and c went out when they went to smoke i saw a bunch of ppl from both elementary and middle school. d, l, n and t. i was kind of hoping one of them wouldve noticed me earlier while i was w v and all the others so they could be like “omg shes sitting next to two guys, i wonder if shes dating anyone of them” or like “omg she has such cool friends now”.

okay, thats all on friday. saturday however, i met up w l for a bit, i tell them ab my crush on v. i sit them down, hold their hands and keep eye contact.

“so on wednesday we had a conversation on tiktok and i talked ab how boy obsessed i am feeling these days, right?”

they continue looking at me, asking me if this is ab e. i dont tell them yet.

“so after i said that, u said ‘well as long as its not d or v bc ik theyre the only friends we have but i assure u there r better alternatives’”

they begin staring at me in shock and yell:

“l! not them, omg! which one is it- no, wait. let me guess... d?”

i look at them for a bit before replying: “its not d.”

“ITS V? L, NO U CANT!” and they kick me as im laughing so hard im falling of the bed.

“IT IS! i have a fucking crush on v!”

we talk ab this for a while and i tell them ab friday and all that and it was sm fun lol

after me and l ahd hung out i went out to a proper party held at school. like dancing-beer-pong-bar kind of party. i met d and some others outside of the enterance and say hi. i then go inside and immediately meet c and c. they bring me to the dance floor and shows me where all the drinks r and everything. i see v playing beer pong. i dont like dancing at all so i join for a bit but leave soon enough. i sit and talk w a for a while. when v sat down on the same couch i was in i told a who was sitting on the other side that she could sit down on the couch properly instead of just sitting on the armrest and so she did and my evil plan worked, i got to move even closer to v. after a while it was finally our turn to play beer pong, we played w just water though. it was my first time playing and i was in the same team as a. she was so good? we played again v and two others. it was so humilating to play against v but my team won thanks to a. she was really awesome. during our last cup, v tried distracting me by hovering his hands over the cup but it literallyt made me aim better bc i could look at his hands TT he only distracted me w his hands and never a.

i left after s arrived to the party bc i got so sad seeing her w v lol but i was overwhelmed by the party anyways lol

sotw: bring me the horizon - alligator blood

#diary #tumblr diary #namuneulbo

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