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incrediblyaccuratethoughts · 1 year

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I’m Gonna Tell ‘Em (Don’t you Dare)

Ao3

Tim just wanted coffee. That’s really all he desired in life. Coffee. His position as Red Robin. And Wayne Industries to get its shit together for one goddamn day. In that order.

“Are you shitting me? I was a fucking crime lord you little terror, I don’t give a fuck-”

He’d done an all-nighter in the Batcave. Again. Trying to crack a cold case he was sure had something to do with Riddler's vague warning a few nights ago. And he was so close, but his eyes had started to close for just a little too long.

So tell him why he walked into an argument that seemed to be based around the topic of murder, at 7 in the morning. Between Jason and Damian. Who both tried to kill him at least once. Respectively.

“And I am the Demon Prodigy of the League of Assassins. I could kill a man before I could speak.”

Tim stands in the doorway, contemplating if his need for coffee is higher than his potential rate of getting maimed in the dining room.

“Yeah, but you were fucking sheltered inside the bases like goddamn Rapunzel in her-”

“I was not sheltered. You of all people should know of Mother’s harshness for disobedience-“

“Oh and I’m sure you were so disobedient Mr. Goody Two Shoes-“

Ultimately, the urge for coffee wins. Tim crosses the kitchen as unnoticeably as he can, skirting the edges and keeping his footsteps as light as he can manage on 10 hours of sleep in the last week.

He’s busy, okay?

“I’ll admit I wasn’t raised to go against the orders of a higher-up but that did not mean-”

“Bull. Fucking. Shit.”

“Did my propensity for sneaking animals into the house escaped your notice? I thought you were better trained-“

“So what? You save every bird with a broken wing you come across, but you’d willingly slit the throat of a human?”

“Yes, Todd. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

The coffee pot is half full. Tim counts this as the one redeeming factor of this morning. The threat of getting stabbed is nothing in the face of sweet, sweet caffeine.

“What’s your fucking number then?”

“I can’t possibly know the exact-“

“Oh no, you don’t get to pull that shit on me-“

Tim considers pouring himself a cup, but he’s gonna drink the whole thing anyway and he’s exhausted enough to zone out during Alfred’s inevitable lecture, so he takes the whole pot and tips it back.

“I was sent out for missions when I was barely more than a toddler. You can’t expect me to remember every-“

“Ra’s had files on every fucking mission I did while brain dead and high on Lazarus rage, there’s no fucking way he didn’t have an exact-“

Tim chugs his precious coffee. The temperature is surprisingly cool enough that he doesn't immediately burn his tongue. Not that a few scorched taste buds would stop Tim from inhaling the only thing between him and unconscious. But it’s the thought that counts.

“What’s yours then, Todd?”

“Nope. Not until you tell me yours first. I’m not about to have you raise the number because I told you mine.”

“That’s preposterous. I would do no such thing.”

Tim calculates his chances of making it back out of the kitchen with a quarter pot of coffee in his hands and decides his caffeine fix is safer off with a few counters between him and his homicidal brothers.

And yah know. His physical well-being. But that’s pretty low on his ‘fucks to give list’ at the moment.

“I don’t trust a fucking word coming out of your mouth-“

“There’s an easy way to settle this if you’d just-“

“What? Shut up? Drop the argument? No fucking-“

“We can write it down separately and then show it to each other at the same time."

“…huh.”

Tim looks up in genuine fear when both of his siblings go quiet. That’s never a good sign. Not in this house.

There’s a window to his right that he could probably smash through if it came to it.

Neither of them are looking at him though, just regarding each other with much less animosity than a few seconds ago. Tim decides he’s probably fine and goes back to his coffee.

“I will go retrieve a piece of paper and two pens.”

Damian leaves the room and Tim freezes like if he stays still enough it’ll keep Jason from noticing him. Unfortunately, now that his older brother’s attention is directed to his surroundings and not just screaming at a 12-year-old, he makes direct eye contact with Tim.

“Oh hey, Timmers. How long have you been here?”

Tim stares at him blankly. He- doesn’t know what answer Jason wants from him and he’s not willing to face his older brother’s wrath if he’d been having what he thought was a private conversation.

“Sorry about the noise. I hope we didn’t wake you up.” Jason says after it’s clear that he isn't getting answers out of Tim.

As if the manor isn’t literally soundproofed. For this exact reason.

Tim’s 17 years of social etiquette training won’t let him just not answer the open-ended comment, but god does he wish that it did.

“No, I was already up.”

Jason nods as if he was expecting that answer. Which is fair. Tim’s sure he looks just as tired as he feels. His eye bags could hold all of his emotional trauma. They’re Guchi.

“And does Alfred know you’re drinking straight from the pot?” Jason motions to the carafe Tim’s clutching like a lifeline. Because it is.

Tim opens his mouth to lie through his teeth, but is saved by Damian’s re-entry. Wow, he’s never been so glad to see his stab-happy younger brother.

True to his word, the kid’s carrying a few pieces of paper and pens. Tim could leave now. He could casually walk right past them, out of the kitchen, and back to the cave to keep working on his case, but dammit, he’s invested now.

He’s still not sure what this argument is about exactly, but he’s willing to wait a few more minutes to satiate his curiosity now that he’s tentatively sure that the argument isn’t going to evolve into physical violence.

“I’ve acquired the tools to finish this once and for all, Todd.” Damian announces, sliding half of his spoils to Jason.

“Great. We’ll write our body count down and on 3 we’ll turn ‘em around. Got it?”

“Don’t tell me what to do” Damian grumbles, but writes dutifully anyway. The kid would be funny if he didn’t back his threats up with swords.

Tim is. Still lost, but he’s always secretly wondered how many people his brothers have killed. In a morbid way. Mostly because he wants to know if the murder attempts on him were a particularly special event or just a pattern. For his mental health's sake.

“Got it?” Jason asks, holding his paper close to his chest so no one can peek. Tim doesn’t know who would, considering he’s the only one in the kitchen that’s not a part of this squabble, but Damian copies the movement and Tim finds himself inching closer, taking the last swig of his coffee.

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three!”

They flip the papers around and for a moment the kitchen is quiet.

“FUCK YEAH!” Jason pumps his fist in the air with a whoop. “Ha! Take that, Demon Brat! I’m the Robin with the highest kill count!”

Tim spits out his coffee and coughs violently. It’s partially because he got some in his lungs, but also to cover the incredulous laughter bursting uncontrollably out of him. It takes him a good few seconds to get his breathing under control, but when he looks up, his brothers are staring at him.

For a moment he’s tempted. So fucking tempted. Because he hasn’t told anyone anything more than bits and pieces about his time with the League. Hell, the only reason his family even knows about his little stint playing lap dog for Ra’s, is because he choked out a vague explanation about his missing spleen when he went into sepsis.

They don’t know about the missions he was sent on. The people he sold out. And most importantly, the multiple bases he blew up because he was crazier than the Joker after Bart and Kon’s death and then the near miss with Bruce.

The bases he absolutely didn’t evacuate. With hundreds of people inside. A few actually avalanched down mountainsides, and he’d eat his Batarang if any of them survived.

The only word he’d confidently use to describe his mental state then, is feral.

He didn’t have to blow them up. He really didn’t. A good few of the bases he’d never actually seen before he snuck in to level the place, but he’d been having a shitty year so naturally, he was going to make sure Ra’s got to have one too.

Not to mention that Tim was as depressed as he’d ever been and wasn’t particularly giving a lot of fucks about if he died during his warpath. He’d already lost a spleen, what were a few more organs?

So this argument? This competition? He finds it objectively fucking hilarious.

Damian and Jason are still staring at him in bewilderment, and for a moment -just a wild moment- he thinks about telling them.

Explaining how he was just. So done. And could only think of one way out, so he systematically hacked into every base he could get his hands on. Stole as many files as he could during his time constraint. And then blew all of them sky-high.

Thought about telling them how on one particularly bad night, gone through every log of the people in those bases. How he hadn’t been ‘sick’ as he claimed the week after he managed to crawl out of his safe house.

He was just too horrified to look anyone in the eye.

It would be funny to watch his family’s expressions go through the five stages of grief and add a few more just for funsies, if they even believed him at all. But no. Tim had his secrets and he was going to take them to the grave.

He grinned at his brothers, patted Jason on the shoulder with a quiet congratulations, and strolled out of the kitchen.

Tim had cases to solve and letting his family assume he wasn’t capable of murder was better for all of them in the long run.

No matter how wrong they were.

👻

In my defense. Writing prompts make the brain noodle go brr. You can blame @coffinbirds and @batcavescolony for these posts.

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why-the-heck-not · 6 months

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20.10.23, friday

who needs a full night of sleep when you can comp that with a cup of instant coffee that has 2 cup’s worth of instant coffee powder, a double shot hazelnut cappuccino and a double espresso? the caffeine varieties are endless

things done today:

2h lecture

1h of coding

grocery store x2 (bc i’m dumb and impulse bought that hazelnut oat milk and I got so distracted with thinking abt the cappuccino I’d make once I got home that I forgot like 40% of the things I was actually supposed to get)

#also I’ve finally managed to get my espressos into that 23-25second timeframe (the sweet spot)#can’t say I’m a coffee snob when my daily first coffee is that monstrosity of ’’instant coffee with 2 cup’s worth of coffee’’ like that’s #actually a crime but it’s for the quick caffeine bc i’m too far gone with caffeine addiction #but i love espressos so finally making like actually good ones is a treat #bookblr #studyblr #booklr #aesthetic #books #study #reading #read #book #studyspo #october 2023 #2023

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kittycat-in-the-dark · 1 year

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*Tim looking tired as shit and being an asshole to everything that breathes near him*

Jason: Jesus kid, what train hit you?

Tim: *irritated* Don't call me kid. And the train that hit me is this stupid lead that I got stuck on for 3 days! I need to find that fucker-

Jason: Wow! Slow down a little...

Tim: I CAN'T SLOW DOWN IF I SLOW DOWN I AM GONNA SLEEP. IF I SLEEP I WON'T CATCH THIS VILLAIN AND GOTHAM WILL BE DOOMED. AND IF GOTHAM IS DOO- *Tim falls asleep mid sentece*

*Tim wakes up after hitting his head on the Batcomputer*

Tim: *looks at Jason* What was I saying...

Jason: *getting out of his shock* ...That you either need 3 full days of sleep or a DynaPep with 3 shots of espresso??...

Tim: *squinting his eyes* Ya... that... that sounds about right...

Jason: Which one? The healthy option or the vigilante no sleep version?

Tim: *looking annoyed at Jay*

Jason: *stares back confused as to why Tim looks at him like he offended his honor or something*

Tim: *long sigh* Okay, fine. Give me that drink.

----------one super energetic drink later-----------

*Bruce, Dick, Jason, Damian, Steph and Cass stare at a Batcave's wall full of detailed plans to take down all the rogues in Gotham as Tim continues to write and loudly murmur to himself*

Steph: How... how did this happen?

Tim: *louder* THIS IS PERFECT!! *cackle* AND THEN I AM GONNA TAKE OVER THE LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS AND RA'S WON'T EVEN SEE ME COMING... HE HAS TO PAY ME FOR THAT SPLEEN THAT I LOST IN HIS STUPID MISSION TO TAKE DOWN THE SPIDERS!! AND THEN I WILL EXPAND MY PLANS TO ALL THE JUSTICE LEAGUE LEVEL ROGUES AND I WILL FINALLY WIN THIS STUPID NEVER ENDING WAR AGAINST CRIME ONCE AND FOR ALL!! *laughs like a maniac*

Jason: *still staring at Tim like the others* Umm... I gave him a juiced up coffee to help him get over a case that was giving him trouble... he found the guy he was looking for not even 2 hours later, then returned mumbling to himself and started researching and writing on the walls like a maniac... I thought the kid had coffee before... right?

Alfred: *that appeared besides them without anyone notecing* That is true... but usually Master Tim takes what could be considered small doses of caffeine diluted in some tea. Not an entire cup of almost pure caffeine, I am afraid...

Jason: Well, shit...

*Tim continues to rant and make plans about basically world domination at that point... for about 2 more hours until he just falls off the Dinosaur where he was making his "Ultimate Speech to the World"

The other Batcave residents just hear a thud and run to see Jason on the ground under the Dinosaur with a sleeping Tim on his chest*

Jason: *sounding super exhausted after he followed Tim around during all of his crazy talk and final "Ultimate Speech"* Never let me give Tim a coffee ever again... EVER!! *and he collapses into sleep too*

*The others just nod to Jay's previous statement and Bruce picks up his boys to put them to a proper sleep, thinking about how to deal with Tim's crazy plans plastered all over the Batcave*

#just wanted to write something fun lol #also I wrote this because Tim isn't actually that used or addicted to coffee in canon #and drinks caffeine only when he needs it and in teas that Alfred makes him #so I just thought that if Tim were to drink a stronger coffee he will just go insane for a couple of hours until he collapses lol #tim drake #jason todd #batfam #batbros #dc comics #dc headcanon #incorrect batfamily quotes #alexa talks here

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buckets-of-dirt · 6 months

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Speaking of DS9, why does everyone go to Quark's for their rakdijino fix when there's a Klingon restaurant right there? Even Jadzia "obsessed with Klingon culture until the writers want to do a mother in law episode" Dax gets hers from Quark or the replicators

#the timeline of klingon food being weird and foreign on tng to every single ds9 character being addicted to klingon coffee is also hilarious #star trek

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girlgodot · 2 years

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in general i agree with most popularly accepted headcanons but one thing i will NEVER forgive the aa fandom for is acting like it’s like this

even though it’s OBVIOUSLY like this

#wrightworth #narumitsu #phoenix wright #miles edgeworth #ace attorney #give me coffee addict edgeworth or give me death #also personally I think nick is probably more of a redbull guy. it’s maya who buys all their bang #from bran’s brain

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anotherpapercut · 1 year

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I know Mormons are off the fucking shits but saying with disbelief that Mormons think of caffeine as a drug low key makes you sound like an elementary schooler learning that Tylenol is a drug. caffeine is literally a drug. so is alcohol. just because society says coffee addiction is acceptable but weed addiction isn't doesn't make it not a drug addiction lmfao. the sooner y'all accept this the sooner we can try to move the fuck past the stigma against addiction

#also caffeine addiction can and will cause harm #so think about that before you make your lol i just cant live without my iced coffee jokes before judging someone with a heroin addiction #deadass if youre addicted to coffee but think you couldnt become a drug addict‚ you can you will and you already are #let it sink in

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clownsuu · 1 year

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YESS I love tau! Mad scientist are my fav I love myself a fucked up baby girl! Do those unethical experiments! Plus his design is top notch

Certified babygirl smhh

#His coat is inspired by those dots belt candy thingies where u tear off lil dots of sugar off of a piece of paper #Also this dude got a major sweet tooth he could put a cup of sugar in his normal cup of coffee and still need more #His favorite types are sour candies and cream flavored anything #Also yeah lot of unethical stuff happens at the facility #Totally not creating drugged up candies to make em addicting and mind numbing-#Also don’t mind that I forgot his tiny top hat til now I know something was missing lmAO

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catboybiologist · 8 months

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Sorry I'm drunk, I don't want to make you uncomfortable

Feel free to ignore

I want to kiss you

You're so so hot and cute and I love your voice and you're so gender goals and ahhhhhhhh

Also I'm a coward, sorryy

Aaawww thank you

I would never consider myself gender goals, esp bc of how much has to be hidden or prepared for posting stuff online. The sports bra looks are probs the lowest effort, most exposed I can give, and even then there's a mask over my face.

But ty <3 it does help. This kind of compliment feels so much better than the type of crap I get on reddit and.... *shudder* instagram. You're welcome to turn anon off, I promise not to publicly humiliate you (unless it's really, really funny in a way that everyone laughs)

#okay sorry for rambling Im also mentally weird #precoffee me #im too caffeine addicted #not in a “haha karen thats a knee slapping mug” kinda way #in a “dawning horror appearing kn my doctors face when I tell them how much coffee I drink” kinda way

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terrifique · 6 months

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Interview with the Vampire - Jacob Anderson on monstrous humans, working with Sam Reid & the future | HeyUGuys

youtube

#jacob anderson #interview #link #video #iwtv #interview with the vampire #feeling so well fed this evening #literally could listen to this man speak about this character and this show for hours. forever really #also not his “best meal” in new orleans being an iced coffee....#why is it that all the bad bitches i know have a caffeine addiction??#Youtube

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x-i-l-verify · 10 months

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Part 1 of 2 of sketches I made for @breezy-cheezy's and my Trigun role swap AU. Meet Nai the Avalanche, aka Truth Coming Out Of His Well To Shame Mankind with a cup of sickeningly sweet coffee in one hand, a handful of custom knives in the other, and a stack of psychology books under each arm, who somehow keeps collecting lost, traumatized children like ducklings.

I'm very fond of him. 💖

#trigun #trigun stampede #trigun maximum #millions knives #trigun knives #trigun nai #role swap AU #xi arts #swap!Nai is a freaking delight fr fr #it's been so interesting to try to figure out what Nai would have been like if he hadn't gone completely off the deep end as a 2 year old #how his personality would have developed how he would have internalized Rem's teachings as opposed to Vash in canon #his hair is the bane of my existence tho #thank u Bre for your handy step by step guide it saved my bacon #the necklace was a gift from Rem #he sunburns VERY easily and also freckles like hell given enough sun exposure #(if he could be completely nocturnal he would. In a heartbeat)#his favorite thing in the world (aside from books) is coffee. preferably with half a ton of sugar added #no he's not addicted he could quit anytime >:V #part 2 coming soon

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airyairyaucontraire · 4 days

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It's strange how much, when I have time off (e.g. tomorrow is ANZAC Day and I've booked the Friday after as annual leave so I can have a four-day weekend), I feel like "ah, normal life for a bit," because work-day life never really feels like life.

Anyway, this weekend is my mother's 70th birthday and she's having a party (catered ladies' lunch) and she's sad because her sister is sick and can't come but on the other hand her best friend has flown over from Australia for it, and I will spend a chunk of tomorrow baking two large and sumptuous carrot cakes for the occasion.

The best carrot cake recipe I've ever found btw: Carrot Cake III from Allrecipes.com. I make it without the pecans, because my sister's allergic to nuts, and instead of plain cinnamon I use mixed spice (called pudding spice in the UK and pumpkin pie spice in the USA). Otherwise, I just follow the recipe and I really cannot over-emphasise how nice this cake is. My sister and mother request it for their birthday cakes pretty much every year.

It's so moist you can make it a couple of days in advance with no noticeable deterioration (provided you store it wrapped up or in an airtight container, of course). The original recipe is for a 9x13 rectangular pan but it works pretty perfectly if you divide the batter equally between two medium-size round cake pans and then layer the baked cakes with the cream cheese icing, which is my normal method. This time, however, I'm making the rectangular version for ease of cutting and serving to a lot of different people.

And it's easy. You don't actually need an electric mixer, if you have a whisk or an egg-beater and some gumption that's just as good. I speed things up by grating the carrots in a food processor - as well as being quicker, I find this results in tidier grated carrots that don't leak and slop their juice so much. In my experience, three medium-size carrots usually yield three cups of the grated stuff, and I would recommend using a grater or food processor disc with smaller holes - thinner strands of carrot give you a better-textured cake.

And as you may know if you know me, I like carrot cake to be a simple and honest CARROT cake, and this one is. There is no secret, sneaky fruit involved.* Carrot it says and carrot it is and carrot it ever shall be.

I once made this with heirloom purple carrots as an experiment. It looked simply disgusting and tasted exactly the same.

*I don't mind if you want a carrot and pineapple cake! I just think you should call it a carrot and pineapple cake. Stuff you if you put sultanas or raisins in it though.

#airy bakes #food #my favourite cakes are carrot and lemon #I'm iffy on chocolate cake #I have one chocolate cake recipe I really enjoy #so many chocolate cakes just don't ring my bell though #gosh how I dislike mud cake #the texture is just foul - so STICKY - and I know that's the POINT of it that's the SELLING POINT of a mud cake #anyway the triple chocolate cake at sallysbakingaddiction.com is really great #she's trying to rebrand as 'sally's baking recipes' now #which sounds absolutely bland and anyway her domain name still says ADDICTION just own it Sally #the buttermilk and the coffee are what make it special I think #you can't taste the coffee at all it just boosts the chocolate flavour tremendously #also like the carrot cake iii recipe it uses oil rather than butter for the fat component and I just like how easily that mixes #she has a carrot cake recipe that has a huge slug of applesauce in it #i'm skeptical

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