#actually the only reason i realized it was gonna be my birthday soon is because i saw chinese artists posting lan wangji birthday fanart
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The Reveries Of My Mind (Dean Winchester x Reader fluff/smut)
Summary: What happens when you discover you can feel someone's torment and struggles through an unexplainable bond?
"Your struggles are mine. Your sadness is mine. You're mine."
Pairing: Dean x Reader
Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI , vanilla sex, dreams about the reader dying --not too graphic , first person fic
Word count: 6.7k
Note: I took my time with this one. I really like it. I've been struggling to write for so long it feels good to be back. Enjoy!
Like/ reblog or both if you like it :)
And a huge thank you to my wonderful beautiful best friend @ambergoddess444 for being the best beta reader <3
I’m gonna kill him.
I heard Sam’s voice echo in my mind as I was eating my pancakes. I looked at Dean who was stuffing his face with eggs and bacon, not really paying attention to Sam’s resting bitch face.
STOP CHEWING SO LOUD FOR THE LOVE OF CHUCK!
I heard him again and almost choked on my milk.
“What?” Sam asked.
“Oh, nothing,” I answered.
Dean just glanced at me and continued eating his breakfast.
It was Sunday and luck was on our side because we couldn't find a case. This would happen once in a blue moon so we were quite content with having a day off. Monsters sometimes sleep.
After breakfast Sam said he was going to go and catch up on some reading while Dean and I were left alone.
“Can I borrow Baby?” I asked, since it was July and summer was in full swing in Kansas. I wanted to forget about my job – about hunting – I wanted to go outside and feel the summer breeze in my hair in his beautiful Impala. I already knew his answer as soon as I saw his brow arch. He was very protective over his Baby; only allowed me to drive once after I begged him for my birthday.
Absolutely not.
“Why?”
I crossed my arms, my lips thinned.
“Why ask when you already gave me your answer?”
Dean raised his eyebrows, eyes widened as we were sitting at the table opposite of each other.
“I keep forgetting you can do that,” he said, looking away from me.
“You keep forgetting about your mental shield,” I told him as I went to the kitchen to get myself some coffee.
I didn't realize Dean was following me until I heard his voice.
“I can't just sit in silence and breathe while I think about nothing.”
“You mean to meditate?” I chuckled.
“Yeah…that.”
I took a sip of hot coffee Sam made after breakfast and turned around to face him.
“You have to strengthen your shield, Dean.”
“There has to be another way,” he said desperately as he poured coffee into his black mug.
“No there isn't, I told you. Everyone has a mental shield, but the reason why I can hear people's thoughts 99% of the time is because their shield is not strong enough. And how do you strengthen your shield? You shut up and meditate. Focus on it and build it.”
Dean wasn't pleased as he took another sip of his coffee.
“Sam meditates, can you still hear his thoughts?”
“I can, because it takes years to actually strengthen the damn shield and he started meditating six months ago.”
He just rolled his eyes as we went back to the library.
“I don't want you in my head,” he stated.
“I cannot help it, dumbass. Can I take the car or not?”
Dean took the keys out of his pocket and dangled them in front of my face. I tried to take them but he refused to give them to me.
Typical.
“I'm driving,” he told me with a smirk.
***
“Where do you want to go?” He asked me as I closed the car door.
“I don't have any particular destination in mind. I just wanted to drive around and listen to music.”
Dean gave me a soft smile before starting the engine. Baby was purring – I could never get tired of that sound; it was smooth and powerful – no wonder he was so protective of her. The car held memories, sacred moments and was filled with stories – good and bad.
“Sounds like a plan,” and with those words we were off.
We were on the main highway, heading to God knows where. Dean, of course being the driver, was controlling the music as well.
Dream On by Aerosmith was playing. I loved that song, but I was in the mood for Van Halen.
Driver picks the music. Shot-
“Shotgun what?” I smirked, glancing at him. I saw he gripped the wheel tighter and licked his lips.
“God, I hate when you do that,” he said. I chuckled.
Front windows were down, summer breeze in my face and hair gently caressing me as Crazy Train started playing. Ozzy was too chaotic for this drive. As much as I loved his songs I wanted something to ease my mind and not encourage my body to produce adrenaline. I dared to change the song.
Don't Fear The Reaper by Blue Öyster Cult.
Much better.
“Hey, I was listening to that,” Dean of course complained.
“Well not anymore,” I told him as I showed him a middle finger.
A chuckle left his lips before he spoke.
“Wanna grab a few drinks?”
“Dean I don't wanna get drunk at” – I looked at my phone to check the time – “11am.”
“You don't have to do anything you don’t wanna do. We can buy a few beers and go to our favorite hiding spot. If I get too drunk maybe, maybe I'll let you drive.”
I couldn't believe what I just heard. My heart was racing from excitement. Sam was always the designated driver; Dean would sometimes drive drunk without us noticing. I know that because he admitted that…while we were drinking after a successful hunt.
“Really?” I played skeptical; part of me was. “You're not afraid I'll crash your beloved car?”
“If you do, I'll kill you,” he looked at me and gave me a flat smile.
Fair enough.
“Well okay.”
She won't crash my car.
Well I think she won’t.
I hope she won’t.
I didn't say anything, just stared at the trees blurred on my right side as we passed by; absorbing the warmth and sunshine in my face.
It's My Life By Bon Jovi started playing.
Perfect.
Dean bought a couple of beers and some Slim Jims at the first gas station just before his favorite hiding spot.
The hiding spot was an abandoned house we found a few months ago when we were hunting a vampire nest. It was an old cabin in the middle of nowhere, a few miles away from the main road. After exterminating the nest, we started coming there every once in a while to relax and get away from everything that made us hunters. Sam completely forgot about that place but Dean and I would occasionally go, mainly at night to get away from the bunker’s haunting reminder of the life we were living. There we were just regular folk, drinking and having fun. The house was dusty and old, but dear to us, like a portal to a regular life and what we desperately wanted, but could never have.
As we were approaching the house I couldn’t ignore the strong sense of serenity coming from Dean. His mind was at ease, no racing thoughts, no sorrow he would usually carry within himself – he was happy. I’ve never told him about that; I know he would probably freak out – yell even – so I kept my mouth shut. I would be lying if I said it didn't freak me out as well. Every emotion he would feel, I would feel too and sometimes even twice as strong. It was like a bond of some sort; an invisible string connecting us and letting me see and feel every inch of his mind. I would wake up whenever he couldn’t sleep, I’d laugh whenever he’d laughed and I would get angry whenever he’d get angry…I felt everything and it was driving me insane not being able to talk to him about it, because it was only him I’d felt connected to.
I smiled at him when he turned off the engine, feeling the warmth in his soul. I got out of the car and stretched my legs, inhaling fresh summer air and soaking in the sunshine on my skin.
“Let’s have a picnic,” I suggested, “I don’t wanna go inside. The weather is beautiful.”
“A picnic? Here?” He asked, looking around. Nothing but endless grass fields around us; the highway was peeking through the greenery but we could barely see it anymore.
“You will be fine, princess,” I chuckled, “Besides it’s good to connect with mother nature every once and a while.”
Forest nymph.
He started calling me that when I told him about my love and admiration for nature and my passion for hiking and exploring woods. He told me no sane person loves hiking, but his younger brother understood. Now, occasionally I’d go hiking with Sam.
I ignored his thought, even though I wanted to tell him we weren’t in a forest, and found a perfect spot next to the house and sat down. He rolled his eyes and joined me.
Dean cracked two bottles and I opened one of my favorite honey BBQ Slim Jims and took a first bite. I loved the smooth texture and a light honey flavor mixed with BBQ aroma in my mouth.
“Cheers!” He said lifting his bottle for a toast.
“Cheers, for not dying!”
He chuckled.
“For not dying!”
One beer…
Two beers later we were both feeling the consequences of our own actions. I was tipsy due to my low alcohol tolerance while Dean seemed sober but was far from it. He had a strange gift – being able to fake sobriety. He had been doing it for years and now seeing him behaving like a drunken fool looked strange and unfamiliar.
He was looking at me; green eyes sparkling under the sun making me wonder if he and I were ever meant for something more. I was in love with the idea of being in love with him but it scared me more than death which I had experienced a couple of times. He was my best friend, my annoying best friend with a heart of gold and a shadow he wanted to remain hidden.
We stayed for hours, soaking in the sunshine and summer heat while reliving old memories and wondering if this life we had was worth it. We soon realized, it was.
“We still get to experience this,” I stated, showing him a butterfly that flew in that moment right in front of me.
“Butterflies?” He wondered, tilting his head a little in confusion.
“Nature, dumbass,” I smiled, “And other small pleasures, music, alcohol, food…and also knowing the world is less shitty because of us.”
He nodded in a silent agreement before hearing him call me forest nymph again. His warm green eyes fixed on me, making me a bit nervous. He didn't say a word.
“What?” I finally asked him.
His right hand went into the pocket of his jeans and he pulled out his car keys.
“You can drive,” he told me and gave me the keys.
***
When we came back home safely, since I didn’t crash his precious car, Sam was still in his room, probably reading and Dean decided to take a nap since naps weren’t a regular occurrence in our household.
I decided to continue the book I started a couple of weeks ago. I missed being able to read books I wanted, and not just ones for research purposes. I could still feel him. He was content. I smiled and opened my book.
An hour into the book and a picture flashed right in front of my eyes. I saw blood, so much blood on the sidewalk. Hairs on my arms rose as another frame appeared: it was a girl lying face down, head bludgeoned. A wave of fear rushed over me as I closed my book, not being able to simply ignore it. I knew exactly what this was – Dean’s nightmares – I knew exactly who this was.
Another flash. His hands, covered in blood. He was trying to wake me up. He was calling my name over and over again like a prayer of despair, but I didn’t wake up; I didn’t move an inch.
Usually I would ignore his nightmares; I was too afraid to say anything, afraid of his reaction and not being able to give him a good explanation, but my silence was killing me. Something told me – maybe it was intuition or my impulsiveness, or both – I had to wake him up.
Quickly I got out of my bed and rushed to his room. His jaw was clenched, his body seemed stiff under the white sheet that covered him just below his chin. I could hear quiet moans coming from him as another picture appeared right in front of me – he was on his knees, holding me tight, eyes bloodshot red and filled with tears…My heart broke in a second before I closed my eyes, trying to make it go away. As I approached him I could see his eyes fluttering rapidly beneath his closed eyelids, his forehead glistening with a faint sheen of sweat…I had to wake him up.
“Dean?” I whispered and sat next to him. A whimper escaped his lips.
“Dean?” I called his name again, this time a little bit louder and with a hand on his cheek. He was warm.
“Dean, wake up!” I could feel his shock as he shot his eyes open, taking a deep breath like he forgot how to breathe, shivers running through him – I could feel them all over my skin.
He took in his familiar surroundings before he looked at me.
“You had a nightmare,” I told him.
“Yeah, a really bad one,” he simply added, pinching the bridge of his nose. A headache started to settle as he got up and went to the bathroom to splash himself with cold water. He was only wearing black boxers and it wasn’t like I have never seen him shirtless, it was the fact that every time I did, I had to tell myself not to stare like a Victorian man seeing ankles for the first time.
I swallowed thickly without saying a word.
I have to tell him. I repeated that sentence over and over again. I have to tell him he deserves to know.
When he came back my eyes registered his bulge for a second before looking up. I was praying he didn’t notice.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, so much for napping,” he lied and started putting on his blue jeans. I knew he was lying, he would always lie and repress his emotions and needs. I knew he was exhausted. Those nightmares had been happening for a week straight; the exhaustion showing on his face in a form of dark circles; the once lively features now appeared subdued; eyes dimmed.
“I saw it,” I utter these three words without much thought.
“What?” He was about to button his red flannel, stopping mid through.
“I saw your nightmare, you have been having the same nightmare for a week now.”
I refused to look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me as he took my words in. I could feel a slight sting in my chest coming from him – shock.
“You can read minds AND see people’s nightmares?”
“Not people’s; yours. It only happens with you, I wake up every time you have a nightmare, I feel every emotion you feel,” – I took a deep breath before I continued; I knew him well enough to know he hated secrets, even though he was a damn hypocrite and had his own – “I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to freak you out. I cannot control it, trust me I tried, but I can’t. It has been happening for a while and-”
His eyes once trusting shited and now held a hint of disappointment, his jaw clenched. Anger.
Anger and disappointment.
“For how long?” His deep voice echoed in my ears as he cut my frantic explanation short.
I froze. I knew this question was coming. I knew right there that keeping this thing a secret was a mistake. I couldn’t answer it. I couldn’t…
“For how long (Y/N)?” He demanded crossing his arms. I didn’t like the sound of my name when he was angry.
I stood up, barely feeling my legs before I answered: “A year.”
“Does Sam know?” The next question came out less angrily, his voice softer than seconds ago.
“No.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. It started as just me feeling whenever you were happy, it was hard to recognise it at first, I thought it was my happiness and then it progressed to other emotions like fear, anger and sadness and after that I started seeing your dreams. I didn’t tell Sam because I wasn’t sure what was happening.”
“And you didn’t tell me because…?” He asked like I hadn’t given him the answer.
“I told you I didn’t want to freak you out. It feels like I’m invading your privacy.”
He scoffed.
“No shit Sherlock!”
His eyes widened before he spoke again: “Wait, so that means you can feel whenever I get horny?”
I chuckled. “No, because being horny isn’t an emotion, Dean. It’s a state.”
“Oh thank God,” he expressed his relief.
“I do feel the sudden rush of endorphins and happy hormones every time you come though,” at this point I had nothing to hide, especially when I could feel his anger subsiding. It wasn’t like him to just ignore something that made him angry, but for whatever reason he was over it. Now he was mortified.
“Oh God!” He said and opened the door of his room. “SAMMY! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE WE HAVE SOME RESEARCH TO DO!”
I swallowed a laugh before he turned around.
“We're gonna get to the bottom of this!”
***
Sam was genuinely surprised when I told him about the bond. He would usually try to find an explanation or guess what it was; this time he was silent. No logical explanation, no guessing, no nothing…
“Well that’s something I have never heard off,” he just told you and went to the library to try and find some books about…
Mind reading?
Bonds?
“I don’t even know what I’m looking for,” he said, looking at the spines of old books on the shelves.
“You’re telling me,” Dean agreed.
“It’s not like I’m a monster with abilities.”
My statement was enough to light a bulb in Sam’s head: “Yes but…” – he went to the second shelf behind you, like he knew what he was looking for – “You’re something else.”
Dean and I looked at each other in confusion before Sam pulled a book from the shelf.
“Indigo children?” I read the covers.
“Huh?” Of course Dean had no idea.
“I mean it makes sense, you said you were always highly empathetic, ever since you were a kid right?”
“Yes,” I nodded as he was flipping the pages trying to find a specific chapter. The book was annotated but it wasn’t his handwriting.
“Also you started reading minds when you were 7?”
“Well kinda.”
“Before that it was like a guessing game, you just knew?”
“Sort of.”
Chapter 54. Abilities.
Indigo children are children who are believed to possess special, unusual, and sometimes supernatural traits or abilities.
“I have been on this Earth for how long and I’ve never connected the dots,” I said, admiring my own stupidity and inability to dig deeper. I was never curious enough to find an explanation for my ability; never cared enough to think about it too deeply; when I started living with Sam and Dean five years ago I told them right away what I could do. They first thought I was Azazel’s long lost special kid, the one that was lucky enough to somehow hide in the shadows back when Azazel was still alive, but that wasn’t the case. My parents were killed by a vampire and I’d never met Azazel; I didn’t even know he existed until they told me. I only knew regular black eyed demons.
“So, you were a gifted kid? That still doesn’t explain your ability to do what you have been doing for a year,” Dean scoffed.
Who names gifted kids indigo kids? Seriously?!
You chuckled.
“Wait, you have been able to do that for a year?” You heard Sam, your eyes still on the book, trying to find something, anything that would indicate the existence of the said bond.
“Yes, why?”
“Go to chapter 55,” he told me. I flipped a few pages until I saw: Chapter 55, Soulmate bonds.
An Indigo child can stumble upon an unprecedented neural synchronization when encountering their soulmate. This synchronization extends beyond telepathic communication, as it involves the transmission and reception of emotional states and dream imagery, resulting in an intimate sharing of thoughts, feelings, and subconscious experiences. Although very rare, it is possible for an Indigo child’s soulmate to be mortal, with no supernatural abilities. If an Indigo child does encounter their soulmate the bond can snap into place usually after 4 or 5 years (one case showed it can also happen after six months).
“I read this book before we met so it never crossed my mind,” I heard Sam say as I was absorbing the information. I’d known him for five years…
Five years…
It made sense.
As I was reading the first chapter out loud Dean’s wave of shock made my heart beat faster as Sam went to the kitchen to get some booze. It was like he read my mind. I have never heard of his bond. As much as I loved the idea of Dean being mine, I knew he came with tons of baggage, untreated alcoholism, and rage so immense it made my stomach turn. I was no better though just with less intensity and alcoholism.
That’s bullshit.
My heart broke hearing these words, but I finally got the courage to look at him, and for the first time his face was unreadable. He was silent. And then he just left.
Sam came back with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and three classes in the other.
“Where’s Dean?”
“He left…to process, I guess,” I said before hearing Dean slamming the front door.
Sam, knowing me too well, didn’t say anything and just poured me a glass of Dean’s fine whiskey. I took a sip feeling a sweet burn down my throat. We were silent for a while, my words buried deep in my mind; struggling to articulate my thoughts as if I had any at that moment.
“How do you feel about all of this?” Sam finally spoke, breaking the pleasant silence.
A lump formed in my throat as I tried to blink back tears. I cleared my throat and took another sip.
“I think…I’m scared to tell him he already has me wrapped around his finger with or without the stupid bond,” my answer was honest. I was scared – terrified of crossing the boundary; breaking the only rule I had: no long term relationships. Anything more than a friendship with Dean would end catastrophically; I was aware of that and yet I still secretly hoped. I wanted him to want me, I wanted him to look at me and see a safe space; I wanted him so painfully to see me and think: “She’s worth it.”
“Oh he knows, he's just being a dick about it,” Sam’s bluntness surfaced as he drank his glass of whiskey.
“What do you mean?” I asked, not really following him.
He knows?
“You two have something I’ve only experienced once in my life and yet you refuse to acknowledge it.”
My forehead creased as I subtly tilted my head in confusion. Then I heard Sam’s voice in my head as he looked at me with a soft smile on his face.
Jessica…
“Oh…” was all I could say.
“Yeah, he was scared before, now he’s probably terrified. Talk to him when he gets back.”
“So he can reject me? And probably tell me to move out? Even if he feels the same, I know Dean, and he would rather give up alcohol for the rest of his life than talk about his feelings.”
Sam snorted and nodded silently agreeing with me.
“Trust me. He won’t reject you. He’s my brother, I know him a little bit better than you do.”
***
Dean was gone for hours it seemed. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, about the bond, so I did what any sane hunter would do – I repressed my thoughts with more whiskey and drowned myself in more research with Sam. The more I drank it felt like I became more sober.
I wanted to know more about this soulmate bond. I wanted to know if there was any other way for people to block me from entering their minds besides strengthening the mental shield.
“I’ve never asked you, how did you find out about the shield anyway?” Sam asked me behind his laptop while I was trying to find books about telepathy.
“A witch told me,” I stated behind bookshelves, “When my parents died I let it control me, I couldn’t stand it, I could hear every single person I came in contact with and it was driving me nuts. So, I found a witch, a good one, and she helped me control it and told me about the shield since she was the first person I couldn’t tap into.”
I remember her fondly. Her white crow would sometimes appear, to let me know she was alive and I would visit her every year on her birthday in winter. I would tell the Winchesters I was seeing an old friend; without adding too much detail, since I knew Dean’s hatred of witches far too well.
“Good witches exist?”
“Oh yeah, she’s wonderful.”
There wasn’t any other way for other people to shield their minds from me, sadly.
“Oh but I think I found something,” Sam told me and turned his laptop towards me. I read the short paragraph and looked at him.
“I can do that?”
“You can try.”
***
Dean was still gone by the time we decided to take a break from research. Sam decided to go for a walk before bed while I went to my room to try and contact Dean through the bond. The article Sam found stated it was possible to contact your soulmate if you focused all of your energy on them.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I laid on my bed and closed my eyes, picturing Dean standing right in front of me. Even in my mind he made me nervous. His aura was so captivating and stoic; you couldn’t forget him even if you tried. His name escaped my lips a few times, eyes still closed, but all I could hear was dead silence.His face still engraved in my mind, I studied his features: his smile lines, beautiful kissable lips, his perfect nose, freckles…
Dean? I called.
(Y/N), what the hell?
He heard me. I could feel my feet going cold as my body went numb. My heart was in my throat.
I’ll explain later! Please come home, I wanna talk to you.
In a second, my mind lost focus as I became more aware of my nervousness and he was gone. I couldn’t see him anymore.
“Crap!” I uttered in frustration and decided to text him.
Please come home.
***
I heard his footsteps thirty minutes later. I was ready for the worst; I was ready for Dean to tell me to leave; I was ready for all of it to end.
I heard him knock seconds later.
“You there?”
“Come in!”
He closed the door behind him. I was in the middle of trying to read my book, emphasis on trying, since the nervousness turned into full blown anxiety and I couldn’t focus on anything but him. I put the book down as he sat on the bed. I was hit with a sudden smell of cigarettes and alcohol in my nostrils. He probably went to a bar.
“How did you do that?” He asked, this time looking me dead in the eyes. His gaze wasn’t soft – I couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated – his eyes bore into mine with such seriousness I’d only seen a handful of times.
“I did some research with Sam. The bond allows us to communicate telepathically.”
“I-I can also do that?”
“If you concentrate hard enough, yeah.”
An astounded chuckle was all I heard. And then:
This is crazy.
I know.
His lips parted slightly once he realized he could hear me. I on the other hand didn’t want him to hear me, but looking at him, seeing the evident worry and fear in his green eyes, I couldn’t control it. It became natural.
“Where were you?” I asked and boldly decided to sit next to him.
“Went to our favorite hiding spot to think. When thinking became too much, I went to a bar and had a couple of drinks.”
“And? What are your thoughts?”
His hand gently found mine, intertwining his fingers with mine. I wasn’t sure if I was breathing at that moment. I could feel my cheeks burning as he pressed a gentle kiss on my forehead.
“I feel like ignoring how I feel about you just made everything worse.”
I’m terrified.
I ignored it and focused on his actual voice. “And I feel like this bond slapped me in the face.”
“You and me both,” I smiled.
Sam was right after all. I didn’t know what else to say but all I could think about was pressing my lips against his. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but my body refused to cooperate with my mind.
I didn’t need to kiss him first, because his lips found mine in a matter of seconds. The kiss was gentle, warm; his lips perfectly pressed against mine. I opened my mouth letting him know he could explore it with his tongue and he was happy to do so. A whine escaped my lips when he broke the kiss.
“I heard you,” he smirked.
Please stay with me. My mind yelled.
“I will,” he heard me. Again.
***
Dean went to get ready for bed and so did I. It was already 11pm, Sam was long gone, snoring in his room after a long walk and I went to take a shower.
It will probably happen.
Maybe it won’t?
Maybe we will just cuddle and sleep?
Yeah right.
Why am I so nervous?
I’m nervous because the last time I was in love with someone he left me for a girl named Karen.
In high school.
Crap.
My thoughts were racing as I was washing myself and getting ready to spend the night with him. I put on my shirt and a pair of clean underwear before brushing my teeth. I turned off the lights and went under the covers. Somehow it was always cold in my room, no matter the season. I focused on my soft pillow and how it felt against my cheek as I turned on my side. That lasted maybe two seconds as my mind kept drifting and wondering what was coming next. The thought of him pressed against me made me excited; his lips on my neck, hands on my hips…
I didn’t even realize I was rubbing my thighs together, desperately seeking some form of release. Thank God I was tired, a few moments later I could feel my eyelids getting heavier and my body finally relaxing. I wondered where Dean was as I started drifting and soon enough I got my answer.
He would always take long showers; so I wasn’t surprised when he came 15 minutes later. He found me peacefully drifting between realms of reality and dreams, and with his hands wrapped around me pulled me back to reality – to him. My back pressed against him; we stayed like this, as my patience was running low and I could feel myself getting wet.
He was melting any sense of restraint I had and even with nervousness practically suffocating me, I turned around and snuggled against him, his chin resting on top of my head. He was warm; skin soft as I took a deep breath to breathe in his scent – forest after rain and him.
“Did you know?” I whispered into him.
“Huh? What?” His deep raspy voice so close to ears made me shiver.
“Did you know that I have feelings for you?”
Sam said he did, but I wanted to hear from him.
“I suspected it, but refused to believe it. Until Sam confirmed it.”
“How did Sam know? I’ve never told him.” I said and lifted my head to look at him. It was dark, but I could still see the outlines of his face – he smiled at me.
“He told me you get smiling eyes when we are together. I didn’t really know what he meant until we took down that vampire nest back in Austin. I told you, you were an idiot for trying to take down a whole damn nest by yourself and you kept looking at me with those dove lookin’ eyes.”
I smiled. I remembered that. It was a few months ago and I was indeed an idiot. He and Sam almost died and I had to do something. I was reckless and instead of coming up with a plan I let my machete go wild.
“Well it’s not my fault you’re hot when you’re angry.”
I could feel his smirk before I kissed him, this time cupping his cheek with my hand. He immediately kissed back, pulling me closer to him like that was even possible. This time, one kiss turned into another and another. We both didn't want to pull away; his hands hesitantly started roaming under my shirt, instantaneously sending shivers all over my body. I took his hands, breaking the kiss.
“Touch me. I'm yours,” I whispered before kissing him again, not being able to get enough. I could feel his little smirk against my lips as he tugged on my shirt trying to take it off. I took it off and in seconds he took his. My mind was focused on him and only him as I felt his soft skin under my fingertips.
You're going to be the death of me.
Likewise, sweetheart.
This time I smiled between kisses. I liked that nickname, I couldn’t wait to actually hear it out loud. He wasted no time before he pushed me onto the bed and straddle me; his lips not leaving mine. We were like two addicts; we couldn't stop; we didn't want to stop. He pressed his hips on mine and I could feel him, pressed against my wet center. A soft moan escaped my lips as my fingers tugged on his damp hair. He moved his lips on my neck, while his hand found my center. A light brush was enough to make me moan his name. I was so sensitive, so vulnerable underneath him; he was consuming every reverie of my mind.
I was growing impatient, but he knew that, and now I couldn't hide anything from him anymore. The bond was stronger now, we didn't even have to try to communicate with one another; it was like breathing.
I lowered his boxers as much as I could and wrapped my hand around his hard dick, earning a groan from him. I pumped him a few times, as my impatience became his. He kissed me before standing on his knees and took my panties off. He stopped for a second.
Adoration – I could feel it through the bond. He was making me blush in the dark; my cheeks growing warm.
You're so beautiful.
Before I could answer him, he positioned himself between my legs and slowly entered me, stretching me nice and slow; his lips found mine again as he swallowed my gasp and slowly started to move. My legs wrapped around his hips, wanting more, more and more…
I was about to get drunk and see stars. My hands were around his neck before I cupped his face. He broke the kiss when we both couldn't breathe, biting my shoulder lightly, his pace becoming faster.
My mind only knew his name as I was chanting it over and over again, like a sweet prayer. He nuzzled his head in my neck, kissing it sloppily.
“You feel so good, sweetheart,” he whispered in my ear.
I was in a complete haze, unable to muster anything but his name.
His nose resting on my cheek, he placed a soft kiss only to swallow my moans once more, as we both started to fall apart.
“Dean, I-,” I wasn't able to speak, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach and I could tell, feel, he wasn't going to last much longer.
“I know, baby. I know. I can feel it,” he said and I wasn't sure if he could feel it through the bond or if my body was telling him – or both.
My moans became desperate; with that voice Dean could make me do whatever his little heart desired.
We came in sync, eyes locked and growing breathless. He couldn't keep my name out of his mouth and I didn't want him to. When he pulled out and laid next to me we were both panting and growing sleepier. I lazily moved closer to him, kissing his shoulder as he immediately wrapped his hand around my torso and pulled me close.
“And you thought we'd just cuddle,” he chuckled.
I raised my head to look at him.
“You heard me?”
“Yeah, we have to figure out how to not hear each other's thoughts all the time.”
“Well…” I started and he just shot me a death glare.
“I ain't meditating.”
I cupped his face, squeezing his cheeks lightly making his lips pout.
“Fine,” I said and gave him a pack on the lips, “we will find another way.”
“Thank you.”
I stayed in his arms until we both fell asleep. He played with my hair and I drew small circles on his chest. He asked me about the research – what I found, what I didn't – asked me about us.
“If it's meant to be it's meant to be,” my eyelids grew heavy as I mumbled the words and drifted to sleep.
Dean kissed my forehead and closed his eyes.
***
I could feel Dean’s hands pulling me closer to him, his fingers digging into my flesh as my ears heard him say my name in a form of whisper. I lazily opened my eyes not knowing if he was awake or not. His fingers dug into my stomach as he repeatedly called me in a frantic tone.
He’s dreaming.
“Dean?” I turned around and even in complete darkness my eyes registered his clenched jaw, while my body felt the stiffness of his.
“Dean?” I repeated again and nuzzled my head under his chin and placed a gentle kiss on his neck. I knew what he was dreaming about – I was dying again and he was trying to save me.
Dean, baby wake up!
I told him through the bond as I stroked his soft hedgehog-like hair. I could sense the fear lingering within him as his eyes shot open, his breathing came in uneven gasps and his chest was rising and falling frantically. I wrapped my hand around his torso and embraced him in a tight hug as the weight of the nightmare still lingered.
“I’m here,” I repeated a couple of times, giving him the reassurance I knew he needed.
“It’s just a dream, Dean.”
His breathing became stable again.
“You died,” eventually he told me. The fear was gone and replaced with sadness – sadness so somber and heavy I only felt once when Charlie died.
“No, I didn’t. I’m here,” I told him and placed his hand on my chest.
“I’m right here,” I said before kissing him. A sigh of relief left his lips.
“I feel like I’m gonna lose it…the same dream over and over.”
He was desperate, so desperate for answers it made my soul ache, but I knew this wasn’t the time.
“I know, and we will figure it out. Sleep baby, I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered before kissing him lovingly. His hand found my cheek as I broke the kiss resting my forehead against his.
“Your struggles are mine. Your sadness is mine. You're mine,” I told him as my legs intertwined with his. My hand was on his chest, feeling his heart beating faster. Something was traveling through the bond, something lovely and warm I could only describe it as love. Suddenly I heard it; a whisper traveling through the bond: I love you, before he kissed me again.
I love you too.
Tagged: @lacilou , @littlemadamred , @girls-alias , @captainannatheweirdo , @nancymcl
#supernatural#supernatural fanfiction#dean winchester#spn#supernatural fic#spn drabble#spn fanfic#spn fluff#supernatural fluff#spn fic#dean winchester fanfiction#dean winchester angst#dean winchester fic#dean winchester x reader#dean winchester x reader fluff#dean winchester x reader smut#dean winchester x you#dean winchester x female!reader#dean winchester x y/n#dean x reader fluff#dean x reader smut#dean x y/n#dean x you#dean x reader#dean
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Trust me. | LHC (M)
Best friend to lovers x fem reader
Summary: you just got out of a relationship, but for some reason, Haechan can't wait to tell you he likes you. It's not that you don't feel the same, but your mind isn't exactly in the right place after the breakup. But Haechan's words make you feel so good and so secure, that you just have to indulge into what could be.
Warnings: sexual content, LOTS AND LOTS of kissing, dry humping, penetrative sex, vanilla sex (womp womp), clothed sex (kinda), nipple play (if you squint), haechan is a tease kinda, they're a bit emotional and soft for each other 🤥, proof read but there may still be errors yikers
Word count: 3,2k
Song recs: slidin by kai, dive by victoria monet, in a good way by faye webster
A/N: my birthday was last week yipee I'm finally 20 now. I got lost of birthday money so I decided to buy a ticket for dream show in Newark. I'm so excited. I'm actually gonna see Mark after I missed 127 the last time. I was working on a Jaehyun fic but needed a break so I decided to write this one before the concert, so I hope you guys like it. This is my second actual oneshot so spare me 😭😭. Please give any feedback you can if you want. 🤍🩷🤍🩷
"What do you mean?" Your expression was blank, staring at him like a deer in headlights.
"I like you," he repeated.
"You're not funny," you spat, rolling your eyes as you scrolled through your feed.
"I'm not trying to be funny." You look at him, seeing the sincerity in his expression. Haechan is the type to joke about stuff like this, and it's scary that this wasn't a joke. You knew him forever, he even said you were like a sister to him at one point. When did it change? When did he see you as a girl and not as a sister?
"Haechan please." You let out a deep breath, rubbing your forehead in irritation. "What are you saying right now?"
"I have feelings for you Y/N. I'm not joking. I'm being a hundred percent serious," he said. He looked away from you, letting out a small sigh.
You went stiff, uncomfortable with the events taking place. It's not like you were repulsed by it, just a bit shocked. These scenarios only really happen in movies, this is never anything you thought about happening to the both of you. And considering you just came out of a relationship, this was not looking good for you. "W-why?"
"Why," he repeated. "I don't know…I can't even tell you where these feelings came from." He looked at you to see your reaction, but he saw nothing but worry from you. He knew what you were worried about. You didn't want to get a call from your ex saying he was right about you two, that you and Haechan do have a thing for each other. You didn't want to get that call saying he shouldn't have dated you, that he knew he couldn't trust you. It broke Haechan's heart seeing you in pain, seeing you hurting because of something he couldn't prevent.
"Are you saying this just to get in my pants," you mumble quietly.
"I would never do that to you. You know that," he reassured you.
"Are you aware that I'm literally going through a break up right now?"
"I know, I know." He lets out a frustrated groan, throwing his face in his hands. "I'm sorry, I just couldn't wait to tell you."
You sighed, leaning back on his headboard. You didn't really know how to process the information you were being given right now, let alone how you were feeling. Years ago, you would've been the happiest person in the world, having a crush on him when you were younger. You liked him a lot at the time, him being the only boy who ever talked to you in your life, and you wanted validation. But as you got older, you got hotter and you started getting attention from a lot of boys, and soon realized crushing on Haechan wasn't worth it.
But as you grew up, so did he. He became more attractive and received more attention. Sometimes you wish he hadn't. You were 15 when you first had a crush on him, he was just another cute boy in class who you happened to be friends with, but now he's 23. If you didn't know him as well as you did, you would probably fuck him, and you don't blame people for wanting to fuck him either.
"When did you….you know," you asked, trying to avoid looking at him.
Haechan glanced at you through his fingers, moving his hands off his face after. "I don't know…I guess when I saw you crying over that asshole, it really hurt me. I don't want to see you like that again, and I know I could treat you better."
You could feel your heart beginning to beat faster and your face growing hot. You were blushing. Haechan has never made you blush before. You hit him on the shoulder, making him hiss at the sudden pain.
"What was that for," he whined.
"Stop saying nonsense."
"It's not nonsense, it's true," he said. "And don't pretend you didn't like it. You're literally blushing." Hachan lifted his hand to poke your cheek, but before you could swat it away, he grabbed onto your wrist and pulled your body to his.
"What are you doing," you said, a shocked and confused expression all over your face.
"Getting closer to you." Haechan let go of your wrist and slipped his arm around your shoulder. You've been close to him many times but not like this. And the way he was glancing at you made you suspicious, you knew that look.
"Why," you questioned, squinting at him.
"Because I want you close."
"Can you stop flirting with me please?" You didn't mean it, but your voice came out small, causing Haechan to let out a soft chuckle.
"Why? Do you like it when I flirt with you." Haechan noticed you refused to look at him, watching you pout and turn your head away from him trying to not smile. "Look at me."
"No." If there's one thing you know about him, it's that once you give him what he wants, there is no winning ever. He'll mention it for the rest of his life, never letting you live it down. And you definitely didn't want him knowing the effect he had on your emotions. You held your breath as you felt his other hand come into contact with your chin, forcefully turning your head to look at him. His face was centimeters away from yours. This is the closest the both of you had ever been.
"Stop looking away from me." He spoke in a soft tone, almost like a whisper, and he wasn't shy about what was in his mind. His eyes kept flickering between your lips and the rest of your face. He wanted to kiss you so badly. He's been wanting to since you stepped into his room.
"I'm not anymore," you answered, tone blank.
He let out a soft chuckle, licking his lips after. "You're cute."
You looked down, rolling your eyes. You did like what you guys had at the moment. It felt natural to be this close to him, but you had reservations. "Are you sure you really like me?"
"You want me to prove it to you?"
'Yes,' was the only answer you could give him. You actually wanted him to kiss you so badly and you wanted to admit it. But there was still a part of you that was still a bit attached to your ex and what he would think if you got into a relationship with Haechan, the main reason you were broken up with.
"I'm a little scared Haechan," you admit. "I just don't feel all myself after the break up. I mean what would he think-"
You didn't even realize how close you and Haechan were. His lips were almost on yours. He couldn't even hear what you were saying, all he knew was that he needed you at the moment. He wanted to show you, prove to you how much he likes you, how much you meant to him. But only if you gave your permission.
"Don't worry about him. Just pay attention to me okay?" Your eyes fluttered shut as Haechan kissed you softly, moving his hand from your chin to your waist. It felt like water dowsing a fire, putting out your anger and sadness all in one go. This was definitely natural, definitely meant to be, no matter how cliche it was. He rubbed your waist softly as he kissed you again, pulling you closer.
You placed your hand on his chest, tugging at his shirt softly. You kissed him again a bit more passionately this time. Haechan has been with a lot of girls, but he's never had the feeling he had with you. Not even his old girlfriends gave him butterflies the way you did. He pulled away slowly, a smile tugging at his lips once you looked at each other. "Do you believe me now?"
You looked away from him as fast as you could, resulting in him lifting your chin planting another kiss on your lips.
"Every time you look away from me, I'm gonna kiss you," he muttered.
"Will you stop," you whined. You buried your face in his neck, hiding from the embarrassment of his words.
He chuckled softly, pushing his hair back. "I've never seen you so embarrassed."
"You've never seen a lot about me."
"Wanna bet?"
You moved away from the crook of his neck, eyebrows raised as you looked at him with shock. Haechan had a smirk on his face, but it was a bit different this time. His expression of sincerity changed into one you've never seen before. And at that moment you just happened to look down at his lap. "Are you turned on right now…"
Haechan's smirk slowly disappeared as he glanced between you and his lap. "I'm sorry…you're just really hot."
"Please just…take care of that. I'm gonna go home." You move to stand up, but stop when Haechan grabs your wrists.
"Help me," he muttered lowly.
"What?"
"Help me."
Haechan looked at you with desperate eyes, squeezing your wrist as he tugged you towards him. He made it hard to say no sometimes, always knowing the right look or the right words to say. Not just that, but you kind of wanted to. In the deepest parts of your mind, you shoved the thought of ever having sex with him away. And now you have the chance. "Are..are you sure?"
He leaned into you, lips brushing against yours. "Positive."
You kissed him, cupping his face softly. Haechan bit your lip, a smirk tugging at his lips. He slipped his hand on your leg, squeezing the flesh softly. You didn't know where this sudden confidence was coming from, but when you got up and straddled him, it was almost like he'd found a new reason to fall for you even harder. His hands never left your waist, pushing your hips over his hardened length.
"Jesus," you muttered.
Haechan gripped your hips, rolling them onto his lap as he pulled away from you. Haechan took in your expression, eyes never leaving your face as you began to breathe heavily.
"You like that?"
You nodded, resting your forehead on his. Haechan kissed the corner of your lips as you let off a soft sigh filled with pleasure. His grip began to loosen as he felt you beginning to move your hips on your own. Haechan kissed your jawline as he let you grind on top of him, pace slowly becoming faster and harder.
"Shit," you moaned softly.
"That feel good," he asked, whispering in your ear. "Are you gonna cum from me barely touching you?"
"Can you shut up," you huffed out.
Haechan chuckled, kissing you so softly it only left you wanting more. But when you leaned in for another kiss, he moved away, shaking his head. "I want you to cum first."
"W-what?"
"Do it."
In any other situation, at any other time, you would've said no and probably hit him. But you needed him so badly you wanted him so badly you were willing to do anything he said. You threw your head back slightly, gripping his shoulders as soft moans escaped your lips. Haechan couldn't take his eyes off of you, almost as if you were art.
"You're so pretty," he whispered. His eye contact was intense, a little too intense for you. But he liked it. He liked that he could have this effect on you just by looking at you. You finally let your tough exterior crash for him. Nothing in the world could turn him on more.
Your brows furrowed as you began to feel your stomach tighten. You hid your face in his neck not wanting him to see you, but he moved it, holding your jaw firmly. "Look at me," he said softly.
Your jaw went slack as your orgasm approached making your body tremble. "F-fuck," you moaned softly.
"Good girl." He wiped the sweat off your brow with his thumb looking up at you with a tender smile. "You're a good listener when you really want something."
"Fuck you," you breathed out.
Haechan kissed you deeply, hands slipping under your t-shirt. "Take this off."
You pulled away, pulling your shirt over your head, tossing it on his bedroom floor. Haechan's eyes raked over every inch of your exposed skin. He's seen you in bathing suits on many occasions, or clothes that showed your body, but this was entirely different. He gulped as he stared at your cleavage for a little too long, concentration only breaking when you cleared your throat.
"You act like you've never seen boobs before," you joke.
"Not yours." Before Haechan could say another word, you were already unclipping your bra. You let the fabric fall off you, and Haechan felt as if he stepped through the gates of Heaven. "Can I touch you?"
You nodded, eyes moving between his face and hands. Haechan's hands gently fondled your chest, thumbs subtly gliding over your nipples making you shiver. Haechan's mouth attached to your nipple, kissing and licking at the bud all while never breaking eye contact. His eyes went a bit wide when you let out a moan, making him squeeze your chest softly.
"Don't tease me," you whined softly.
Haechan couldn't help but listen. His hands left your chest and immediately undid your jean shorts. He gulped as you shifted off of him. You tugged your shorts off, letting them fall into a puddle around your ankles, but when your finger hooked around your underwear, Haechan stopped you. "Keep them on."
"What? Why-"
"Please." The whimper in his voice was all you needed to listen; you kept them on. You watched as Haechan pulled himself out his basketball shorts. He could tell you were nervous and grabbed your hand, squeezing it softly.
"Do you have any condoms?" You've had sex dozens of times, but with Haechan, it was starting to feel like your first time. And this time it felt way more intimate than anyone else.
The male nodded, leaning over and grabbing one out his nightstand. You stood and watched as he slipped it on, mind racing with so many thoughts. 'This is it,' you thought to yourself. You were about to fuck your best friend, and you really liked the idea of it. But what if it ruined your friendship forever? What if he regretted it?
"Hey. What are you thinking about?" Haechan's eyes were soft, his expression changing seeing the worry on your face.
"I'm just nervous."
"Nervous about what," he questioned as you got back on top of him.
You opened your mouth, but hesitated before speaking. You didn't want to say the wrong thing. You didn't want to confuse him or hurt him. Haechan always understood you and knew you meant well, but saying anything in this moment could fuck up what the both of you had going. "What if..what if this ruins everything? I-I don't want to feel like this was a mistake."
"Do you think you're making a mistake?" His hands slid from your waist to your hips as he looked up at you. He always admired how honest you were, even if it would hurt his feelings. You shook your head 'no', making him smile. "Then you have nothing to worry about, okay? Just trust me."
You nodded, letting him pull your underwear to the side. The sight was almost enough to make him cum there on the spot. He lined himself with you, biting his lip as you sunk down. A small sigh fell from your lips as you felt him fill you, hands flying to his chest. Your eyes are closed so you don't see the way Haechan looks at you now. If he likes you before, he sure as hell loves you now. Something about this felt so right to him no matter how nervous you were.
His breathing became heavier as you grinded on top of him slowly, eyes shut in a desperate attempt to look at him. He would've completely missed this if it wasn't for your eyes slightly fluttering open, intentionally looking down to avoid his need for eye contact. Haechan kissed you deeply, tongue sliding against yours as your pace quickened.
"Oh my god," you moaned softly on his lips.
"Tell me how good it feels."
You could almost combust with the way he was talking to you. His voice felt like honey dripping into your ears. "Feels so good.."
"You're so cute," he mutters. Softly moans leave his lips, hands gripping your hips. His grip is so strong that he's now guiding your movements, making your brows furrow when he pushes himself deeper into you. Haechan begins to thrust into you at the same time, almost sending the both of you into ecstasy. You clenched around, throwing your head back as you whimpered and moaned.
Haechan's moans and groans were like music to your ears. Unlike your ex who barely made any noises, Haechan loved making sure you knew he liked what you were doing. He moved his hand off your hip, taking it between your legs, rubbing your clit. "Oh my god," you groaned softly. "Fuck, keep going."
Haechan kissed your neck softly, moaning against your skin. He felt you clench around him slightly, making his brows furrow. "Damn it," he moaned softly.
”I'm so close," you whimpered.
"Wait for me baby. Can you do that?"
You nodded fast, hands moving from his chest to his shoulders, pulling your body closer to his. Haechan couldn't take his eyes off you. He couldn't say he never imagined this moment, but it was better than anything he thought of.
"H-haechan, fuck..I'm cumming."
His name falling from your lips was all he needed. Moans fell from his lips as you clenched around him, legs and hands shaking from the intense orgasm. Haechan kissed you deeply again and again as if it was the last time he could.
You pulled away from him, a tired smile on your face seeing tired heavy eyes. The both of you sat there quiet as a mouse, just looking at each other. At this moment, you think you completely fell for him. Maybe you always had feelings for him and it just took this moment for you to realize how strong they were.
"I think I'm in love with you," Haechan said, breaking the silence.
"That quick," you joke. But Haechan was serious. He really did think it was more than like now. "I think we should wait, Haechan. I…I need some time before I can get into another relationship."
"That's fine," he said. "I'll be here no matter what we decide to do. You can always trust me."
You sigh deeply, pulling yourself off of him, plopping next to his body. Haechan pulled the condom off, tying the end as he threw it somewhere on the floor. "Ew," you grimaced.
"I'll get it later." Haechan wrapped his arms around you pulling you closer to him. "For now, can we just stay like this?"
You giggle, snuggling into his arms and resting your head in the crook of his neck. "Just know that know matter what happens, I think I love you too."
That was the last thing that you said before you drifted off into sleep, leaving Haechan with the widest smile on his face.
#nct dream#nct#nct 127#nct u#nct fanfic#nct smut#nct scenarios#haechan#nct oneshot#haechan oneshot#haechan smut#nct x reader#haechan x reader
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hi!! First of all happy belated birthday no idea when you’ll see this but 🥳 I just wanted to see if you could just do some general kinda fluff for Toby and any other of your choosing during like the crush stage
also you are an amazing writer and incredibly creative whoever the douchebag who stood you up is doesn’t deserve you so get yourself a better man bc if anyone deserves it it’s you<3
so yeah that’s the end of my little rant and feel free to just ignore this ask, put yourself first!
-A ❤️
Summary :: Toby during the crush stage
Notes :: thank you so much!🤭 You are too sweet! btw I didn't know which Toby you wanted so I js did High school Toby but I can always change it if you want and make another one for him💟 I'm prob going to add Jeff later but I js wanted to get this out as soon as possible
Warnings :: none that I can think of except for the usual cursing
Readers gender :: None assigned, gender neutral
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This guy is so fucking mean for no reason but hates whenever anyone else is mean to you
He bullies you because he doesn't know how to respond to his own emotions and he has absolutely 0 experience. Plus, he thinks you're only talking to him to mess with him at first
I can see him falling for someone because they were nice to him or because he found them physically attractive as bad as it may sound to some people. But, he does know when someone is only being nice because they feel bad or they are just trying to mess with his feelings he just wants to be treated like a normal human being not get made fun of or have people be overly nice to him because of his disorders but we can get more into those emotions another time.
Even though he can most of the time tell the difference between genuine kindness and people feeling bad, sometimes he may think that people are messing with him when they actually are being genuinely nice because he overthinks everything and lets his bad thoughts take over a lot of the time.
Would definitely zone out while staring at you as he bites his nails and hands... Gets so many side eyes and weird stares because of it too
thinks about you 24/7 to the point it affects his daily life and his mother and sister get worried
He would probably mistake his romantic feelings for platonic at first but when he realizes the only thing that changes is how mean he is to you and I don't mean he gets nicer 😃 your #1 hater and #1 supporter
He's honestly confusing, one minute he'll be thinking you hate him and he doesn't have a chance to thinking he does have a chance and that you have the same feelings for him as he does for you.
Meaning that there's like a 30% he will make a first move on you because you have to catch him in the right mood, at the right time, on the right day which is pretty hard because you'll never know what mood he'll be in and he
He literally just acts like he hates you and if you asked him out or made a move he'd turn it down but then out of no where months later he will ask you out
he's honestly such an attention whore and he only craves your attention now so good luck
the only time he can really talk to you in person outside of school is if you happen to be friends with his sister or you guys meet up somewhere like a park or a cafe which isn't that often because of his parents so he makes up for it by texting you all day
Reminder though that he isn't some soft and shy bundle of joy who is just hurt, he is crazy and is slowly going under the control of Slenderman. He can have major mood swings and will most likely make you end up not liking him for the way he treats you at first, he doesn't mean it tho he's just a lil delulu 😊
Overall, your experience is gonna be a rough 5/10 unless you don't mind his harsh words then it'd be like a 6.5 - 7.5
#creepypasta#ticci toby#ticci toby x reader#toby rogers creepypasta#ticci toby creepypasta#highschool Toby Rogers#ticcy toby#creepypasta toby#toby x reader#toby rogers x reader#ticci toby headcanons#toby rogers#ticci toby x you#toby rogers x you#tobias erin rogers#toby erin rogers#tobias rogers
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Since some of you MIGHT know the fact that I am obsessed with the eldritch possibilities of the Force in Star Wars (especially since not many people know that the Time Travel fic is about to get Super Fuckin Weird soon and that’s saying something cause I’m writing this after I’ve already revealed that most of the clones are gonna end up back in time) aaaaaaaaaand I am also the type of autist that takes things SUPER literally in a way that makes me hate poetry, take music seriously, and ‘visual poetry’ is not real wdym that’s just an alternate universe where weird shit happens-
Anyways. I have always been somewhat obsessed with Star Wars Visions since it came out, and my fave episode is S2E1: Sith. Earlier I was thinking about the speeder cycle that Lola has in it, and I wanna find out what type of cycle that is so I can put it in a fic (I think in the fic where Jaster finds Obi-Wan in the jungle and adopts him and brings him home, he would eventually get Obi-Wan one for like his 18th birthday or something, saying ‘it’s nearly crash proof’ only for him and Jango and Arla to watch in worry the entire time Obi is on it because ‘👁️👄👁️ the lot worker that sold me it said it wasn’t possible to go that fast on it’ and now Boga is trying to bite it when Obi passes her and they are SO worried)-
But the other reason I wanna rewatch it rn!!! Is because I take the visuals very literally. And I think I wasn’t the only one obviously but apparently a lot of other people completely ignored the visuals, saying it’s part of the metaphor but I’m over here like screeching at my caseboard like ‘THE VISUALS ARE LITERALLY HER HIDING HER PRESENCE IN THE FORCE SHE HAS SHADED HERSELF INTO ANOTHER BRANCH OF THE UNIVERSE TO HIDE FROM HER MASTER’ like. Honey. It’s the force. It’s not just visual metaphor bruh she’s found a way to hide in the edges of the universe and her look of colour on the galaxy is how she continues to sustain herself with minimal interaction with the universe!!!
‘Oh but why can she still fight her Sith master-‘ don’t be dense you shit, when she found a door that was already fully coated in colour despite it being non-living, she was clearly shocked and tried to get into it, without realizing that was a Sith portal BACK into the world of physical being and the only way her master could trap her into dealing with him!!!!!
Anyways. I want to make Lola a character in fics the same way I have Jaster or Fay in fics. They’re not big screen characters or even well known characters, but fans seem to love all of them.
And in the time travel fic it would actually make sense for Obi-Wan to accidentally run into her at a certain point and charm her with his big smiles and complimenting her paintings and grin really big and point to his mouth and say he lost his fang caps recently so his fangs are all tiny again, aren’t they cute??? Anyways. Yeah.
#star wars#obi wan kenobi#star wars visions#swv Lola#eldrich horror#my fics#time travel#a traveling circus
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It's been awhile since I did a tier list but I've been into shojo anime and manga recently so I'm gonna rank my top five.
#5: Ouran High School Host Club
Haruhi Fujioka is recruited to join the host club after she breaks a vase!
Ouran is probably one of the best known shojo animes there is. It's funny, light hearted, adorable, and probably is one of the first reverse harem anime to gain a large fan base. And for being made in the early 2000's, the animation still holds up today.
However, the characters do not. There are a lot of things about this show that just did not age well. While I recommend this series I also recommend taking it with a grain of salt. This was made when certain things were socially acceptable that simply are not today.
That is the only reason I would have it at number 5. Other wise, the cast is great. The plot is hilarious. The pacing is well done. Overall, it's a hilarious and feel good show for when you simply don't want to think about what you're watching.
#4 Kamisama Hajimenmashita
After being kicked out of her apartment due to her father's gambling habits, Nanami Momozono must find her place in this world. But becoming an Earth God? How the hell is she supposed to do that?!
This is the first shojo I watched knowing that it was a shojo. I immediately fell in love with the characters and their dynamics. There's complicated back stories as well for those to like to drive a bit more into characters.
Sadly, the anime was rushed to a finish and a lot of the manga was never adapted. While the anime is still great, the ending just feels wrong without having the full story. The manga is completed and I highly recommend reading it. Yet because of the cancelation, I have to put it at number 4.
#3: Yona Of The Dawn
On her 16th birthday, the sole princess of Kouka, Yona, goes to ask her father to reconsider her marriage proposal to the love of her life. Her love had other plans with her father that night.
This is arguably one of the best shojos out there. With an amazing ploy and some of the best characters ever written, your heart is sure to be captured by this.
There is only one season of this however and it sadly looks like there won't be more any time soon.
The reason for this getting third place isn't because of the anime but actually because I just like the other two more. I love the fantasy setting, but I tend to like it more in shounen than shojo.
#2: My Love Story With Yamada-Kun at level 999
After being cheated on and dumped by her boyfriend over a girl he met in a game, Akane Kinoshita sets out to get revenge! By going to an irl game event and make him realize what he's missing out on! If only her luck with shoes was better.
This is a very new shojo with the first season just wrapping up a couple weeks ago. However, the manga has been going strong since 2019 and I have loved every minute of it. Thus has some of the best characters I have ever seen and it just continues to get better. It's also the type of shojo where we get to see the couple progress their relationship as a couple which is amazing.
I will say there are some... spicier bits in the manga so beware of that if it's not your thing. (Nothing explicit is shown)
However we get to see progression from te side characters as well which is also amazing. I love every moment of this and it had me squealing and kicking my feet like a little girl.
#1: Horimiya
The queen bee and the loner realize that maybe they can be their true selves around each other.
This is my all time favorite. I read the manga, watch the og anime, watched the remake, and the missing pieces. I love this story so much.
It portrays realistic relationships and shows that both of the main characters have faults that they work through in their relationship. Not just that, but the side characters get a lot of development as well that makes you rooting for them.
This whole story is so wholesome and it's the perfect thing to unwind to.
#my love story with yamada kun at lv999#loving yamada at lv999#horimiya#yona of the dawn#yona of the red dawn#ouran high school host club#ouran host club#ouran#ouran hshc#ohshc#kamisama kiss#kamisama hajimemashita#anime#shojo#shojo manga#shojo anime#romance#romance manga#romance anime
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"if uncle is sending gifts and stuff, then lu ten must be alright," zuko says into the silence.
the two siblings are sitting side by side beneath a tree in the garden. the palace is only ever quiet lately, unless azula has her friends brought over.
azula sneers, but it's halfhearted. "i don't know why he wouldn't be. he was holding back from going all this time for no reason. what's the point of reaching your peak and breaking bending records if you're not gonna go out and use your bending?" she mutters. her cousin frustrated her sometimes with his grown up weirdness. training and sparring, but not wanting to actually go and fight? is it just a little hobby or game to him?
you know that's not it, she thinks. lu ten is dedicated. his thing just... isn't fighting. she's seen him debating with fire lord azulon's council of old nutcases from behind the drapes. she's seen the exhaustion on his face after an all nighter in the library.
the pearl dagger is light and cool in zuko's hands. he wonders why lu ten didn't send any gifts or write a letter yet.
"i know he hasn't been gone very long, but... i don't know. i think he didn't wanna go for a reason, don't you think?" he cranes his head.
azula's rolling a sharp pebble between her fingers and glaring at the turtleducks as if they personally offended her. "he told me that uncle wasn't gonna make him. it's just not my style, crabcake," she mimicks his deeper voice and jerks her head side to side in mockery, then deflates. "it's not gonna make a difference, so it's gonna be forever until he gets to come back. lu ten has no war experience. uncle iroh just wanted him there as- as a show pony. someone to make his tea for him because nobody else makes his stupid tea right."
zuko wrinkles his nose and shakes his head. the resentment for their uncle hasn't always been in her tone when she spoke of him, has it? "you thought the letter was funny."
"of course i thought it was funny. i just wish he'd put his money where the mouth is already and finish up out there. almost 600 days and barely any progress," she drawls, gesturing her hands in an exaggerated circle. "i want lu ten back home before our birthdays. we can go down to the city markets and get tanghulu with chili powder and lime."
the two siblings sigh at the thought of all the street food they aren't allowed to eat unless lu ten is at home to sneak it in for them. soon, zuko will get sneaky enough to be able to do that for himself. so when lu ten comes back, he'll get twice as much street food. unless azula finds out and snitches on him. which, she probably will.
it's only a matter of time until he comes back. its just like what lu ten said to zuko about his fire bending.
there's another end to every tunnel in life, squirt. as long as you keep on living and staying strong, time will deliver you to the end of it.
fighting shouldn't have to be lu ten's thing, azula muses next to her brother. she thinks to the future, where lu ten is fire lord and azula is his top general and strategist. her cousin hates the council so much, he'll probably fire all of them. he might hire a new bunch, or maybe he wouldn't, because he'd realize that he has a whole war council of generals wrapped in one person and twice as good in azula alone.
it'll still be decades before lu ten gets the crown, which is a shame. in azula's opinion, the nation would be better off if the crown went to anyone else except the guy that takes almost 600 days to crush a city that's so pitiful it's rationing water. either lu ten or father would be ideal. lu ten has dedication and thinks outside the box all the time. father has willpower and strong authority. both are stubborn as mules but know how to get the job done efficiently.
as far as azula is concerned, uncle has none of those qualities. dedication and stubborness, maybe, but that's only because he even knows how lazy and slow he is, so he has to cut himself some slack.
anger curls in her chest at the thought of the doll. her uncle had no real reason to want her cousin to join, he just wanted him to be there. he's probably stuck in uncle's tent making him tea while uncle is out there genuinely thinking azula would like a stupid toy as a gift. if lu ten was by uncle's side like uncle said he would be, he would've slapped the doll right out of his dad's hands, because he knew better.
a light knock on the door startles her. she's been so wrapped up in her studies the past two hours, reality had fallen away.
lu ten peaks his head in and smiles. there's a tray with tea and a big bowl of azula's favorites- purple sweet potatoes, mooncake, strawberry mochi, a variety of cut up fruit.
'one large order of tooth-achers for my studious little princess,' lu ten chirps.
azula snorts and pushes the scroll away. 'i didn't order anything. you must be going senile in your old age,' she replies. as she comes closer, the scent of mangosteen tea and freshly baked sweet potato eases the tension out of her body.
'that's a big word, i'm proud of you,' her cousin replies dryly, and sits the tray down on her bed. then yelps, as azula pounces and jabs his side at the joke. 'i don't need orders. it's all this cousin's intuiton, you see. i hear these strange voices that tell me when one of my needy little monsters is in dire need to be served and pampered.'
azula rolls her eyes and replies by gracefully jamming an entire ball of mochi in her mouth. the mercy is temporary- once she's done chewing, she'll get right back to hurting his feelings.
#alicias writing stuff#this doesnt even have to be an au this can be canon compliant#all this stuff is technically supposed to be for the dai li lu ten au#cus of the light implications that lu ten isnt working side by side with iroh#(hes busy committing treason) but you can ignore that lol
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@derelictship tagged me to post my top 9 films watched in 2023. It didn’t specify “for the first time,” but I went with that despite how large a couple of my rewatches (watched first in 2022) loomed over this year as well…
To Be or Not to Be (1942) - Absolutely adore this film. I actually forgot that I watched it last year because it’s really and truly climbed inside my brain and it feels like I’ve known it forever. It’s the film that made me start paying attention to Ernst Lubitsch as a director when I had the realization of “WAIT a second - isn’t that also the Trouble in Paradise guy????” - so I owe it everything for that alone. I rewatched it a bunch of times and showed it to four people, to pretty positive reviews! My cousin even unexpectedly requested that we watch it AGAIN so my other cousin can see it! My second favorite of the year.
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) - Only watched this once, but I loved it immediately and am itching to rewatch. Will be seeing it in a proper theater in February and bringing my mom along, so hopefully she likes it as much as I do!
Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) - I watched this one on my birthday while tipsy from wine and it was one of the best experiences of my life. The first film I really enjoyed Cary Grant in, which made me very happy because I WANTED to like him, but I just kept hating the roles I was seeing him in for various reasons. I’ve liked everything I’ve seen of him since, though, so all is well now!
A Night at the Opera (1935) - Another one I am itching to rewatch because I enjoyed it so much the first time. I want to show it to my family, but I feel like it’s most effective if you’re already familiar with the Marx Brothers, which my family is not, so I’m figuring out how best to facilitate that.
The Third Man (1949) - THE film of the year for me. I loved it so much the first time, that I didn’t believe it could possibly have been that good and had to rewatch it to confirm that yes, it really is. I’ve rewatched it several more times since (including once with my family, who enjoyed it), and I watch the whole thing with a smile on my face because it just makes me so, so happy.
The Seventh Seal (1957) - Decided to finally watch this one while grievously ill (VERY mild cold, but my first since 2018) without knowing what it was about, which was a TRIP and it Got Me, so here we are. I’ve told James this already, but it was a conversation with my coworkers involving this film that led to the infamous tragedy/catharsis post. I’m also gonna be seeing this one Big in a theater this year!
12 Angry Men (1957) - If I recall correctly, I watched this one during the same illness and really enjoyed it. Yet another I am excited to rewatch sometime this year!
How to Steal a Million (1966) - I forget who recommended this one to me, but thank you! It was highly enjoyable and went directly onto my “favorites” list!
The Smiling Lieutenant (1931) - Snuck in at the VERY end of the year! I had actually put it on my schedule for this year, but I got impatient and watched it early, so it counts for 2023. Yet another film where I had absolutely no idea what was happening or going to happen, and became more and more delighted as the film went on. Just procured a physical copy, so I’m going to be posting my favorite parts soon because you ALL need to see this and I will not rest until you do. Probably my third favorite after The Third Man and To Be or No to Be.
I watched around 60 new-to-me films in 2023, more than I have in any year EVER, and I plan to double that in 2024, so I’m excited to see what new gems I will “discover” for myself!
tagging (with love and no pressure): @calamitys-child, @lupismaris, @mobydyke, @frodo-of-the-nine-fingers, @thesundanceghost, @ishmaels, @knownoshame, @pocketsizedquasar, and @halewoods
#i think all the direct recommendations i’ve received are scheduled for this year#so - if you’ve recommended smth to me or hyped it a lot in general - stay tuned!#and i’m always taking more recommendations#even if i can’t fit them in this year - i will put them on the big list for the future#i like um… humor? tragedy… Triangles?? i feel like that describes my taste pretty well (it doesn’t - but if you get it you get it)#dislike uh… Grating Misogyny#i’m willing to watch through it in certain cases but i’m never going to LIKE it#and in extreme cases i just get too annoyed and have to stop#once you realize that not ALL films from ‘back in the day’ were Like That - you start to lose patience with those that are#because you know it was a Choice#you feel me?#ANYWAYS - thanks for the tag friend!!#this past year was SO fun - lot of incredible films i saw aren’t listed here#because i generally define my favorites as ‘films i want to rewatch’ rather than ‘the best pieces of art i witnessed’#(although these are obviously all also very well-made films as well of course!)
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Okay. Things are getting squirrelly with this whole two apps situation now.
I suspected from the beginning that they were going to stop doing birthday events. People were saying there were too many events already and if they’re still planning on making the three new characters dateable, they’d have to squeeze in three additional birthday events. I thought maybe they’d do birthday events only in the OG app. That would have made sense to me.
What I was NOT expecting was that they were gonna do a birthday UR that can only be obtained through Nightmare and a gift for ww that you can only get by buying. It’s kind of insulting. It would have been better if they just didn’t do anything for bdays anymore in my opinion.
Like I get that we’re your cash cow at this point, but man I am not made of money.
I wasn’t expecting the OG app to get a lot of updates anymore. It’s just too much to keep both apps running at full speed you know? And I actually like a lot of stuff about Nightbringer.
But they took the opportunity to make things more difficult to do without paying.
I don’t mind paying for a subscription, but it feels like they’re just taking advantage at this point. And the way they never tell us what they’re doing feels so manipulative.
I don’t know… I’m not quite ready to give up on it or anything. I love these characters too much for that.
But I am going to do some archiving of the OG because I no longer believe them when they say it isn’t going anywhere. Hopefully I’ll have time to do some of that soon.
I’m annoyed because I was ready to give them the benefit of the doubt - I get that for them the whole purpose of the game is to make money. But this feels like too much. Honestly this is my biggest issue with mobile games. I’d rather pay a larger amount for a game one time and unlock everything then have a free game that you have to pay for stuff as you play. The only reason I’ve played obey me this long is because of the characters, the story, and the fandom here.
Maybe they’ll get their act together when they realize they’re pissing off the fans.
In the meantime, I’m gonna keep enjoying the story and I’m gonna keep writing and I’m gonna see how things shake out.
I apologize for the long post, just had to get all that out of my system!
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Happy 27th birthday from 2022! It's currently the 26th as I write this, because for the first time ever I actually completely forgot about Tumblr the entire day! Are you still on here? Has the habit crept back in? Have you finally escaped? We shall see! It's not like my tab has ever closed.
So time for the present day context! Or well, 'present day', I still remember! It started with waking up, mom showed up somewhere near noon, which I was awake for but we had no interaction, so I could wake up properly. The candle in the darkness stood out, and apparently represented the past -- downstairs were another 2, for the present and future. Improvised cake this time as the ingredients were too hard to get, instead it was a brownie with cherry jelly dip and caramel dip, which, yeah that was great. Present was an elite trainer box of cards, which definitely had some pretty dice. Lackluster pulls, but hey, it be like that sometimes.
It was a good day overall, still a bit tired from gran's celebration on the 23rd (and even more tired from yesterday as I write this), but that was nice as well. Met the new cousins, they're fathers of 3 and fit right in, because of course they do. Oh, and the youngest cousin is pregnant. I don't think I'll get accustomed to that any time soon; have you met the baby yet? Heck, have you seen her at all since then? We've definitely grown apart...
Heck, this was the first birthday without Astra as well, and without grandpa; very strange in hindsight, I didn't even realize until I read that the renovations were last year. Poor 25 year old me had no idea what was coming, but we got through it, and this year was a lot more relaxed! Music room is finally coming along, I've been learning Bach's Prelude I in C major the past few days, still in my room, but I'm about halfway now. I swear I'm gonna finish Guitar Quest this year as well, it's just one more chapter... Speaking of, have you gotten around to playing with the uncle yet? The anxiety block is real.
Anyway, the day itself was mostly focused around games. Entering the day across midnight was with Cursed and French, the Genshin co-op has been a lovely regular occurrence. Then in the afternoon some Casino Yahtzee with mom, which I lost, but was a lot of fun anyway. In the evening a desert dragon version of Catan with the three of us, which I won convincingly, because BOY did we have issues with grain and wool, and I was the only one with a grain import at all. And then exiting the day in Genshin again as well. (And the planning for this weekend is to play a game with K Alexander and the discord too, as well as co-op with Satan, exciting stuff!) No D&D like the last two years, but our group is still together, so that's no problem.
Oh, and how could I forget dad's pancakes! They were kind of falling apart, but that doesn't take away from the taste, it was a good choice of dinner that's for sure. If you see this early and need any inspiration, there's an option for ya! If not, I hope it was some tasty food regardless.
So anyway, I hope you have a good day and get a chance to chill, because my week this year is definitely Too Much. Should probably cancel work, again, just because my brain is dying and the day after there's another visit, for obvious reasons.
Lastly, don't forget about The Box! I definitely nearly did, I still have to do it, I really hope I didn't forget...
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A path of self-destruction
So I’ve seen that 14th March is Write Your Story day. Sounds neat, though I have no ideas for fiction to write about right now. But I have a personal story. I wanted to write about it for quite some time, because for some weird reason I feel more comfortable writing about some psychological stuff in English. It seems easier - and safer. Here might be no people that know me personally. And with a small audience it also feels... like I am in a small circle of silent respectful strangers, telling my story without a chilling fear of being interrupted or shunned. Or being avoided.
People don’t like sad body horror stories.
It’s an act of self-preservation for sure, our mind tries to protect us from horrible things, as it tries to be a protective parent guarding its kid. I understand it. It’s not like I tell the whole story to everyone, firstly it would take a long time, secondly - I don’t like making people upset. If people around me, who like me, are getting upset only by mentioning a miniscule part of stuff, why should I force them to listen the rest?
But sometimes... I need to tell it.
Heh. And how should I begin?
“There once was a girl with a loving family. She had both parents, a mother and a father. But strangely the girl was growing up strongly relating to fatherless kids her age. She was growing up waiting for her father’s death”
An intriguing kind of start, I hope.
The thing is it’s quite hard for me to tell you about only this part of my forming years, because right after high school there were also several traumatic circumstances I lived with, and stories about my dad and the coup, and the civil war, and severe trust issues, and loosing a feel of basic safety, and a crushing feeling of being a hated outsider in my own country are heavily intertwined. But... I doubt my writing abilities to tell you everything in one post. Maybe next time. I’ll mention those situations briefly, just keep in mind that... well, it was all happening at the same time.
So.
“She was a shy girl, whimsy and timid, a kind that usually becomes some sort of an artist. Five years might be not the best age to learn about death, but this realization came to her quite early. We all gonna die, she realizied, and nothing will stop it. She cried and ran to the kitchen to her mom, looking for comfort, but mom couldn’t say anything to console her. “It happens in many years!”, she tried to tell her crying daughter. She wasn’t expecting this conversation so soon”
I don’t know how others get this awarness of their own mortality. I simply haven’t asked, actually. I got mine after watching Conan the Barbarian and The Fifth Element movies. Oh, and add Princess Mononoke to this soup. And many 80s and 90s scince fiction and action movies, that were by far not kid-friendly! Yeah... my mom admits she and my dad were stupid to show me these movies before elementary school, but now I can tell young gen-Ziers that in my time we were much tougher kids!.. Well, come on, don’t give away all the credits to Don Bluth, a Grand Child Traumatizer, an old Total Recall was a blast! :D
My mom also thinks that there were too many familiar people who died through my forming years, both relatives and friends. I don’t know, maybe she is right. My grandpa was buried at the day of my 14th birthday, a year before two family friends died, a year after there were grand-grandma and three family friends, and many more...
14 years old. Yeah. I remember, it was a first time when I thought: “My dad will probably die because of a stroke. His face gets so red when he is screaming in anger”. 2008 year, hello, House M.D., teaching me new words.
“A girl was told by her dad that she had a happy childhood, a roof above her head, a food on her table and some money. Often told. Constantly told. It was true, but was there a need to repeat it? He needed to. He also told her he can clearly see she doesn’t value anything he gave her. That she doesn’t respect him. He demanded love. He believed there were all the ingredients for happiness. He was telling it but he rarely talked to her. They lived in one appartment yet she felt they were a little closer than strangers”
My dad was a complicated man to say the least. He was a large man with a strong physique, a wide chest yet narrow shoulders. His features were rounded: a round face, a big nose, plump lips, bushy eyebrows, even his black beard was making him feel rounder. My whole childhood I was told I was a female copy of him. He was a man leaving a grand impression about him, a succesful man, loved by his friends, relatives and wife... and strangely enough he was also an absent father.
For some reason I still can vividly remember his dark yellow teeth, black on the edges, and a brown tongue behind them. He drank a very strong black tea, 2 to 4 teabags at the same time in a large cup. The stains after such tea was impossible to wash away. Oh, and I just have to mention the amount of smoking he had. Pack after pack. Some fathers quit smoking when they get kids. My father was smoking even when I, being an infant, was sleeping near him in my mom’s embrace. I never smoked myself. Never ever.
The smell of cigarettes was everywhere. It was on the furniture, on my clothing, on my hair. The smell was so strong sometimes my teachers in school were asking if somebody recently smoked, although I was a whole day away from home. The smoke turned wallpapers in my dad’s room yellow; a lamp, a table, a computer and bookshelves had a very distinct greasy feel about them because of resin and dust. Maybe only whiskey and vodka bottles were cleaner. They were changing often.
My mom was worried about him. She called it “a path of self-destruction”.
And he still had a leg in those years.
It was 2011, I was still 16, soon turning 17, when I heard about the second type diabetes. I didn’t understand how it workes, but the most shocking news were: “They are going to amputate your father’s big toe”. Oh man, it’s so silly now how scared I was.
It’s just a toe.
What’s weird to me to remember that from this and several years later I was fixated on the topic of amputation. It was a repeating theme in my sketches... though it weren’t legs. It were hands. A crying mermaid with amputated hands. A cheerful alien with stumps instead of her arms, with clunky prosthesises made of thin metal tubes. A monster bleeding out with a chopped arm. Zombies falling apart. Decaying robots. A blood. A torn skin. Scars. Bare bones. And crying. Lots of crying characters. It was my weird way of coping.
So the doctors kept slicing his foot until there were no toes on it.
I thought he was powerful. I thought he could hurt me, though not physically. He never beated me, no. Though I was so stressed I believed my scared mom, that he could kicked us out of the house.
Bones in my dad’s foot were destructing, because he was refusing to change his lifestyle, even at cost of his own health.
I was 19. It still is a gentle age for a girl. I needed a feeling of safety... and yes, I had it at home. While also being afraid of my dad’s rage, if he knew about my sexuality.
Even if he was already in a wheelchair without a leg.
And then the coup in 2014 happened. I lived several districts away from it. For me it was one of the most traumatising events. It was brutal. I was afraid I could be killed just while walking with my dog. The world I’ve lived before was burning alive in front of my eyes. People were drunk of inpunishability. A feeling of safety was lost for many years.
The only thing in her terrified words might be true that he could turn our lives into emotional torture. Oh, he was very good at making you feel like a trash. Like the lowest of the low. Like a pathetic piece of a garbage.
My father was afraid of death and uncertainty. Numbing himself with alcohol he was able to push through those fears and take care of me and my mom. The truth is... he was a weak man, too. Instead of trying to discipline himself so diabetes would stop devouring his body, the bloodvessels in his brain, his eyes, his legs, his kidneys, my father just... stayed on the path of self-destruction.
No cries would convince him to change so he could stay longer with his loving family.
No foul wound would stop him.
I was 21. I remember that night, when he returned from the hospital. He seriously was at the death’s door. Before his return I’ve cried for several hours feeling guilt that I was angry at him, being horrified that I might loose him. When he returned, I thought about all the inspirational movies I’ve watched, you know, that kind: “After near death experience our protagonist will find a will power to change his life!”. I loved such kind of movies.
I wanted them to be truth.
I’ve heard my mom starting to weep when she walked out of my dad’s room, yellow of nicotine. I walked into his room and saw him... smoking and pouring a glass. He wanted to relax. As if nothing has happened. As if me and my mom hadn’t cried our eyes out for him.
It was the first time I’ve screamed at him in rage. I was afraid of my dad for those last years, I was always meek and passive around him because he would easily suppres me. But I was enraged at that moment. How dare he smoke after everything. How dare he drink after what doctors told us: “You can start mourning”, because his kidneys were clearly failing. And he was surprised, of course. He started laughing at me. “Look at you! You can be like that?”. I remember his dark yellow teeth glistening in the light of a table lamp. He was laughing in self-defense.
“Hey, look at her!” - he called my mom, rolling his wheelchair to the bathroom door. He kept laughing, almost hysterically, as we both could clearly hear my mom hopelessly crying in the shower.
I felt so much disdain, and anger, and sadness, but most of all - the horror of understanding. Dad was still laughing. My outburst had no other way to leave my chest but to shout at the top of my lungs right in my father’s face: “I wish you would die already!”
He stopped laughing.
I ran to the kitchen and burst into tears sitting on the floor, as that new realization weakened my knees.
There was no hope.
It was not an inspirational movie. It was not a fairytale. It was not a story about taking control over your life and trying to save it.
It was a story about unstoppable relentless self-destruction. No matter how many bones would crumble, how much flesh would be cut away, how further blind he would become.
It was despair. Soul-crushing despair. In the chaotic world after the coup, during the civil war, where it still felt safer beside my half-blind father with no leg on the wheelchair, than far from him... there were no hope that he would live long enough to even see me graduating from university.
About two more times he was also near death. Diabetes killed his kidneys.
“There once was a boy in a body of a big grown man. Both of his parents died of cancer. His lighthearted yet timid father faded away, turned into a skeleton covered with skin. His narcissistic mother, who looked like a giant jellyfish on her deathbed, died right after her son scolded her for tormenting a nurse. The boy was so lonely and sad no one around him could bring him comfort. Even the sight of sauce that his mother cooked him in the past could brought him into tears. It reminded him how harsh he was with her right before she died. He didn’t say goodbye. Or that he loved her”
I haven’t told my father a proper goodbye either.
I was abroad trying to date a girl that was clearly not a good match for me. I was looking for comfort and haven’t find any. My mother hasn’t told me anything before I returned home. She thought I was happy and didn’t wanted to ruin that trip for me. For several days she was forcing a smile for me during videocalls.
It was cerebral edema. He died at night, delirious and screaming, shouting us to run away, so the infamous nazi gang from my country wouldn’t catch us. She told me when I’ve returned home and at first I haven’t any words to say or any tears to cry.
The 6th January of 2017 was the date of his death.
He kept slowly dying over the next couple of years.
People were confused how I could be so stoic at the funeral. I don’t know myself. I just felt hollow. My mom though was falling apart, overventilating as she tried not to cry while seeing her husband in the coffin. She asked my cousin to slap her across the face so she would no lose consciousness - and yeap, it was me who slaped her, as my cousin was too shocked by such request. I felt that me being calm and stable helped my mom more than anything. I supported her. I gave her comfort. The world was crushing for her without him.
While I was thinking... that, strangely enough, my world continued to exist.
I’ve cried for my father’s death several times, but the death itself wasn’t happening. And when it finally happened, there were not many tears left. Though I still feel the ache in my heart for him. He was so lonely. He had such a big responsibility on his shoulders, he continued to work even in the hospital bed so he could provide us. He tried to protect us from the evil of the world around us even at his last moments.
I respect it tremendously, dad.
I’ve looked into my old drawings I have on my PC. My gosh. So many crying people. I haven’t realized before, how many tears were shed without actual tears, but through my artwork.
It’s such a pity we couldn’t became closer.
Eh.
It’s been six years.
I suppose I can say I’m no longer a person I used to be. I hope so. I was such a coward.
It’s 3 am on my clock, I’ve been writing for five hours in one sit, gosh darn it. Perhaps I really needed it.
And I feel better.
Despite everything happened between us, I still love you.
#my writing#writeblr#writing#family drama#diabetes#amputation#death#father's death#sad memories#writers on tumblr#pencil#pencil sketch#drawing#pencil drawing#my post#my art#arainmorn's art
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My twst MC/Yuu - Yulia!
This is not my first time commenting on my personal "yuusona" bc I kinda already did that on an ask reply a while ago (very briefly), but here is where I'll show you my general concepts for her!
So I decided a long time ago that I would go pull the “I died and reincarnated into my favorite game” move. Why? Whenever I do an “alternative universe” out of something, I always do some twist just so it will be fun to write (and this is a actually fun concept too). And I should have done this... earlier... but I kept delaying it anyway lol
I made my MC be named Yulia because that’s an actual name + is very similar to my own irl name. And its cute too!
Yulia official appearance was actually made by my friend @angelizs in a Jack fic for my birthday. She's the one that knows the most about Yulia out of the few people I already talked to about it and to my surprise, she grasped quite mostly of her personality. Plus she made a very cute drawing at the end <3
tumblr always mess up with my long hcs bullet points so I tried to improve here a bit
ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
✦Anyway… Yulia died. Of lack of sleep. Which is a proper dumb way of dying for this type of isekai. And as her soul was being conducted to the gates of death, she was summoned by this creepy hand out of the darkness and it actually just pulled her off to go into this weird coffin. Death would be like that… one would suppose?;
✦But then, Yulia tried to break free from the coffin once she realized she wasn't dead. Like, she was still breathing, her heart beats and she doesn't want to be buried alive! To her surprise, she wasn’t the only one trying to open the coffin;
✦Grim appeared in front of her and Yulia was like “Grim???” to which he looks confused to her bc how the heck does this human girl know his name? But Grim being Grim, he just assumes his fame is already spreading up on campus. They fight for the ceremonial robes, Yulia wins and as she runs away, things seems awfully familiar;
✦“I’m on NRC? But how? Why? This is a dream? I should be dead! But I’m alive!” and as Yulia was having this existential crisis, she bumps into Crowley. And it hurts. She got scared and fell on the floor. Yep, it feels like reality;
✦Everything just folds pretty much like the game prologue. Every little word and detail mentioned by this huge crow-man (who looks bigger and gaudy personally) screams the fact that she was, in fact, inside Disney Twisted Wonderland™;
✧(Because I like crows, I think Yulia felt this huge urge to caress his wings but she contained herself.)
✦Crowley brings Yulia to the Mirror Chamber, Grim causes havoc and the Magic Mirror dismisses her as a magicless human that doesn't belong anywhere (“that hurts, you piece of glass”). She tries to recognize some of her favorite characters there. She was so happy to see Riddle angrily running after Grim and Azul just doing his usual small talk. The boys are just so pretty up close…;
✧And that’s when she also realized that death may get her reincarnated into a game for whatever reason but she still needs glasses, dammit. “The first thing I will ask this stupid crow is a pair of glasses”;
✦From that on, it happens pretty much all the things that need to complete the prologue. The difference is that the ghosts and confrontations with the notion of being homeless three times don’t impress her. The first, because she can’t see shit and the latter bc she knows what’s gonna happen… and as someone that moves around from home to home irl, yep Yulia got used to it everyone is concerned for her;
✦Crowley puts Grim and Yulia to clean the Great Seven Statues for a while. She just sits on Maleficent's statue base, knowing soon or later Ace Trappola will appear and Grim will accidentally burns the Queen of Heart’s statue… and everything after all that;
✦Now that Yulia had a good night of sleep, she was able to remember a important detail in all this isekai’d situation: twst was released until the Ignihyde Chapter, which means that she know everything that’s going to happen in the next months but after VDC and Isle of Lamentation, not anything much. Can she do something to change things? Does she have this power? What’s her mission as a magicless protagonist?;
✧And more importantly: what the hell is she going to do in the middle of a overblot?!
✦“Hey, you!” Ace calls Yulia out. (“Oh, shit. I know what this means...”). So she play dumb and Ace kindly explains her all these seven statues she’s (not) cleaning:
“The Queen of Hearts! She ruled her kingdom with discipline and valued order above anything. Everyone swore royalty to her.” Queen of Hearts. She was crazy, oppressive and tyrannical. And tried to behead a little British girl once.
“The King of Beasts! Ruler of the savannah, he wasn’t born to the throne so he made his way there with hard work and good schemes.” Scar. He killed his brother, tried to kill his nephew and the animals almost died because he disrupted the circle of nature. Awesome villain song.
“The Sea Witch! She was compassionate with the merfolk and often helped them with her magic potions.” Ursula. Tricked her enemy’s daughter to have her soul and power over the sea, very psycho eyes.
“The Sorcerer of the Desert! He was a genius that saved his land from a crisis.” Jafar. Backstabber, curly beard and hysterical laughter, tried to kill a random street guy, his sultan and the princess.
“The Beautiful Queen! She was the most beautiful of them all.” Evil Queen. Reduced her step-daughter to mere cleaner, tried to kill her and keep her heart. Very iconic lines. (When I was little, I actually repeated her lines)
“The King of the Underworld! He was diligent and even monsters swear their allegiance to him.” Hades. Underrated myth icon, very funny but tried to kill his himbo nephew, he’s pretty much a psycho as well.
“The Fairy of the Thorns! She was elegant and lived in the mystical mountains.” Maleficent. Cursed a baby just because everyone hates her — with some reason — and didn’t invite her to parties. But I think she’s neat.
✦Ace does what he does best and piss Grim off. The statue is burned. Chaos. “Yeah, this only gets better and better…,” Yulia and Grim follow Ace who just runs away to not be a culprit of the crime, they bump into Deuce (“Deuce~~”, Yulia mutters lovingly) and he pulls off a cauldron out of his leave… that hits hard. Yulia feels sorry for Ace for a minute. A solid minute;
✦And another series of events. Get to the cafeteria, they break the chandelier, Crowley makes them go get new gems, a monster attacks them, they almost made it barely alive… Yulia completes the “prologue” and finally goes back to sleep. But wait. Oh, crap, Heartslabyul chapter is coming!;
✦Crowley finally attended her prayers by giving her a uniform and glasses. Since they realized Yulia was a girl, the staff dragged her to the Headmaster office so they could decide what she would wear. She chose Trein’s uniform idea just because the skirt was longer and she got to pet Lucius so everything was going well~;
✦Yulia's first year on NRC was just beginning and she couldn’t wait to finally be able to talk to all her favorite boys! And all things that would come along. Well... maybe not anxiously waiting for all the things...
ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
And that's the basics of Yulia in Twisted Wonderland. I'll make more posts about her in the future, especially since I already thought of two wips in which she's the main character.
We'll have a part 2 for this post with more details about her knowing things in-game + her profile and more!! probably some day along the week. But until there, thanks for your attention <3
#twisted wonderland#twst ocs#twst oc#mc/yuu#twst yuu#twst yulia#yep i'm trading marking that/jk#twst headcanons#hello yulia here~#cherry's mumbling about twst
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Happy birthday to me! 🥳 Well, technically it was yesterday, but I was busy so you get my birthday post today 😛I'm 26 now, which means I am officially Too Old For Leonardo DiCaprio! So, relevantly, I wanted to share my odd little collection of 90s Leonardo DiCaprio movies:
(not pictured: Titanic and This Boy's Life, because I got them at the library)
A few summers ago, I was (not so)slowly losing my mind from working at a grocery store during covid lockdowns (and everything else that was happening in 2020/2021). So what did I do? A lot of things, honestly, but the relevant one is that I went on a deep dive of 90s Leonardo DiCaprio movies. It started out with, well, the exact reasons you'd think a very single 24-year-old would start watching Leonardo DiCaprio movies, but it soon turned into a sort of deep dive on a famous actor's early career and his strengths/weaknesses/typecasts, as well as an exploration/cultural study of increasingly obscure 90s movies.
...I was going a little off the deep end, yeah.
Anyways. Initially I was gonna write up a whole review list for all the ones I saw, but that would've been super long and rambly and I'm not that committed to the bit, so here's an overview:
Romeo+Juliet is genuinely one of my favorite movies now. I could go on and on about how good it is. I'd rank it right up there with Galaxy Quest, which trust me is high praise. I'm a sucker for "appears silly on a surface level but is actually really well-done and well-thought-out", I guess.
Watching Titanic when all you know of it are the memes and the famous scenes was a really interesting experience. Also, I'm embarrassed to admit it but I do in fact want Jack Dawson to draw me like one of his french girls.
I liked Basketball Diaries because they let Leo go completely fucking feral in that one. When you let him emote, he *emotes*. A little over the top? Maybe but I love it
Total Eclipse is the worst movie I've ever seen oh my god not even the bisexuality could save it it's so confusing to watch and the characters are the most unpleasant people to have to experience
I ran out of steam before watching Don's Plum, which is a shame because it has the dubious honor of being banned for commercial viewing in the U.S and Canada
What's Eating Gilbert Grape aged like fucking milk to the point that it's actually fascinating to watch as like, a cultural artifact.
Also, the last point. DiCaprio only dating women in their early 20s is even more striking when you realize what he was up to in his early 20s.
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Sul sul to Sulani
After a 10 hours flight, the roommates finally made it to Sulani, though on top of that they had to wait an extra two hours for Dawud’s flight to show up, since he was still in his Arizonan hometown. Like, would have been a bit of a waste of time for him to fly back to San Myshuno just to be with his friends, and then fly to Sulani. Now, the group was rushing themselves to go to their vacation house, as the Sulani sun is not exactly vampire friendly, the heat was killing Rudi, and Daniele just wanted to finally be at the destination.
Daniele: Dude, I missed you so much!
Dawud: I’ve been gone for five days.
Daniele: It was too much for me.
Rudi: Ok you two calm down...By the way, Dawud, count yourself lucky you weren’t in the plane with us. I was sitting next to Daniele and he spent the entire flight watching episodes of Aircrash Investigation and then giggling when I said it’s making me uncomfortable.
Daniele: What, it was actually very interesting ok, I learnt a lot of stuff! Like, did you know the deadliest plane crash in history happened in the Canary Islands of all place? I didn’t know that. And it even happened on my mom’s 10th birthday.
Rudi: My dad died in a plane crash you asshole!
Daniele: Well you should have said it, bruh I can’t read your mind!
Dawud: Even then, that’s still a bit rude to do Dan...
Kino: You think that’s bad? I got my period during the flight! Like great, the trip has barely started yet and it’s already ruined...
Dawud: Your...You have that???
Kino: Well, if we ignore the part Sixamians only have one sex, we reproduce pretty much like Earthlings, so keeping that in mind it’s pretty obvious I would.
Daniele: Duh.
Dawud: Ok, sorry for not ever thinking about alien menstruations I guess???
Akva: At least that means you’re not pregnant. Fuck, how will my friend react uh? I should have tell her in advance fuuuuuck...
Charlie: Will you please hurry up I’m gonna burn alive if you don’t move right now!
The reason for this trip was because Akva got invited by her best friend from high school, June, to come visit her, and she’ll be the one hosting them during their vacations. The two hadn’t seen each other in forever, as June moved to Sulani as soon as she graduated. The reason for that is she moved there to study environmental science and then do work as a oceanic wildlife conservationist. To her, saving the ocean is a major issues, especially for Sulani, which is deeply affected by climate change by virtue of being a tiny island country in Polynesia, located around 50 miles south of Hawaii.
June: AKVAMAREEN!!
As soon as the young woman saw her friend, she rushed down the stairs and jumped on her to hug her. However, Akva quickly pushed her away, because...you know.
Akva: Please be careful...
June: Why...OH! Uh...Are you...Wait...No way??
Akva: Yeah..................That’s why I’m dressed in these awful leggings that look straight out of a Facebook MLM, none of my clothes fit anymore and I got desperate.
June: When you said you had a big new for me and were bringing new people I thought you had gotten a girlfriend. Girl, what the fuck!
Akva: By the way, I see you’re still super short.
June: Miss Singh, don’t try to switch the topic on me...Also who even is the dad??
Akva: Remember last winter when I dated Jay for like two months before realizing I’m a lesbian...
June: REALLY? DOES HE EVEN KNOW?? HE’S ALSO IN SULANI RIGHT NOW AND HE DIDN’T TOLD ME???
Akva did some sort of middle point between cringing and smiling, then shook her head. Then, the realization Jay was also on the island right now horrified her...Well, seems like she won’t be able to keep the secret for long. All of this noise outside attracted the attention of the actual owner of the house, a world famous professional surfer...Though to June, she’ll forever be her beloved older sister.
June: So, anyway, hello Akvamareen’s friends. My name is June Crosdale, I’m 20 years old and I love sea turtles. And this is my big sister Antoinette Crosdale, she is 25 years old, she loves surfing and also cheesy rom-com.
Dawud: June and ANTOINETTE??? Is it just me or do the vibe of these two names doesn’t fit? It would be like if I had a brother named Jean-Claude.
June: And we also have an older sister named Eduarda.
Toni: Well, Antoinette is my birth name, but pretty much everyone calls me simply Toni. It’s just June who’s weirdly insistant on always calling people by their full name.
Rudi: I don’t think I ever told y’all but my full name is Rudder.
As this whole name thing was going on, Kino stood there, in awe of Toni. Her dyed blue hair, her smooth dark skin, Kino could only think one thing...
Oh my Llama, she’s gorgeous!
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#the sims 4#ts4#sims 4#simblr#sims community#sims 4 community#sims 4 gameplay#ts4 screenshots#simblr story#occult roommates#kino gurafee#dawud sahan#rudi marron#daniele rossini#akva singh#charlie yi#june crosdale#toni crosdale#long post#OcRo s1
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HIIII happy (late) 4th of july!!
you are literally the sweet person to ever exist i can’t believe its been like 2 years since we last spoke. its crazy how time flies
oh noooo im sorry that happened to you :(( im glad ur doing better and taking good care of yourself 💓💓 wishing u a speedy recovery!
alsoooo good luck with house hunting! that must be so exciting!!looking for a new place to call home and making new memories in it! i just know youll find the most beautiful homey and perfect place!! im manifesting for u
im doing well!! not much happened except for school stuff but i just went to my first ever pit concert a few months ago! i saw the driver era (only because i thought ross lynch was hot lol) i didnt know what to expect for pit but i didn’t expect to stand for 8 hours straight 😭😭 AHHHH ALSO im seeing taylor swift in a few weeks and i literally cannot wait!!!!
im always thinking about u! talk to u soon!! good luck 🍀 love youuuuuuu!!! 💗💓💓💞💕
-🧸
happy late 4th of july to you too bestie!! I hope you had a great day!!
I'm sorry for the delay in answering this btw it's been storming here so my wi-fi has been in and out all day!
omg stop you're so kind to me I genuinely love talking to everyone and I consider you and many others here my friends so y'all make it easy to just repay the love I've been given!!
it's actually only been a year bub! I only know because I looked it up to refresh my memory about what we talked about before cause like I said a lot had happened and I couldn't remember if we'd talked since my accident. it was last year after my birthday and after harry's house came out. but really it's alright I don't want you to feel bad!
thank you so much for the well wishes ❤ I realized after that I left some detail out of what happened to me and didn't explain it very well, but if I ramble on too much just feel free to skip over it! basically not only was I kicked but I went flying about 8 feet across my yard too, which caused me to have a compression fracture on T11 of my spine. I also had a contusion on my right hip (which is just a really, really deep and bad bruise), which is where the point of impact was. I will (hopefully) continue to improve, but having arthritis still causes me to have a ton of pain if I do too much physical activity. that part of my spine is also partly collapsed and always will be, but my neurosurgeon said that as long as my arms and legs are still okay that I should just slowly start to get back to "normal" life and listen to my body as I go along! I asked if I needed to keep up with x-rays or anything over the years but he said my symptoms would get much, much worse if the collapse got any worse and I would know I need to come back to see him. he also said IF I would've had to have surgery that it would take like 12 pins and a huge rod to correct things so I'm so SO lucky that things weren't any worse!
thank you so much for helping us manifest!!! it means more than you'll ever know because it hasn't been easy so far trying to find a place 😔 we live in such a rural area in GA and we originally wanted to stay in the same town because I was supposed to start a new job in january and we wanted to be close to my work. I probably won't get to take that job now (which is a whole other long story), and since there are very limited options we're probably gonna have to broaden our search to surrounding towns that are slightly bigger! we ultimately want a house together, but I think we're gonna have to settle for an apartment for now until we can find the perfect place for us. anything would be better than here rn though!!!
idk if I've ever talked much about my dad to you but we have as no contact of a relationship as possible even though we live in the same house. he's the reason for my accident and so the day it happened and we were waiting for the ambulance to come my mom told him that we wouldn't be coming back to this house. but then we had no choice we didn't have the money or resources needed to go elsewhere. I was worried as I got better she would forget about that and slip out of that mindset, but thankfully she hasn't! she just told me tonight we'd probably go look at apartments next week and that she can't wait to get out of here. I could truly cry at the thought of having a safe, clean, and comfortable space away from him. it's what my mom, my siblings, and our dogs all deserve!
how is school going? how much longer do you have to go? and oohh I'm so happy you got to experience a concert in pit!! it's amazing but it is soooo exhausting I hope you got lots of rest afterward 😊 when I saw harry I wore my ankle support thing to my pit concert to because I knew my feet would be swollen the next day probably. and taylor swift that's so cool!! I'm very excited for you!! I hope you have the best time!!! where are your seats for that show?
I'm always thinking about you too!! seriously sometimes I'll just think about you or how you're doing so just know you're always getting any spare good vibes I have sent your way ✨ thank you thank you for the good luck!!! love you moreeeee 🤍
I was gonna tell you about getting to see stevie nicks and my road trip to see my little brother but I talked so much this time we'll save those stories for next time if you wanna hear about them!!
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Everything will be better someday, and someday will come soon. I can feel it. I love you with all of my heart.
I feel true happiness for the first time in such a long time. I don't have to lie to myself and pretend to say anything because I love you so much. It's so easy to say all of this because it comes out so naturally. I'd try to write things like this before, but when it wasn't about you, or to you I would just twirl my thumbs one over the other over the keyboard the entire time. I guess I never really realized it till now.
I can't wait until we hug either, but what I'm most excited for is telling you how much I love you in person. It's going to be real, and I'm so excited for it. I want to remember how my lips tingle when I say it to you. I'll never ever forget how I felt the first time we said it. We were on the way home from hanging out at the place where it all started. He actually invited me out last night to celebrate his birthday, but I was too tired to go out. I'm really excited to tell him about us, even though I have no idea how I'll react. One day, when you visit me here, we'll hang out with him. I want to have a big bbq with all of our friends that we used to hang out with and us. I want to see the pugs running around in my backyard. I've been thinking about that so much. I have a lot of plants, I'm not sure if I've told you or if you know how much I like my plants. I need to make sure that none of them will hurt them or make them sick. There's a ton of cilantro, a lemon tree, a lime tree, my big plum tree, a twiddle olive tree, lemongrass, oregano, red Dallas lantanas (but they froze and I'm so sad, I hope they come back and flower again [like you and me 😩😩😩ilysm]), and I recently got a small flowering magnolia tree. That one is gonna be so pretty. I can't wait for you to see it all. It's all yours already. I'm crying saying that :)
A couple of months ago, I went to a show with one of my best friends in Dallas. We went to see The Mars Volta. I don't get as excited as I would've before for them, but I was still excited. I was actually really sad that week too. I remember I wasn't looking forward to the drive because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts or my sad music. My friends had been criticizing me telling me I was listening to "too much sad boy music". I had a nice time when I got there, as soon as I saw him there. He lives here in the same city, but I had to pick him up in Dallas cause he flew in from a business trip (we're so old 😭). He's really funny and a bit older than me, so way older than you, jk. I met him in college, he said he always liked how cool all of my T shirts were. You told me the same thing once too. But one day on the first day of class, I recognized him, but I sat one seat away from him because I remembered he'd always sit with his girlfriend, so I left her a spot. After the class, he came up to me and told me he liked my shirt, and I actually liked his too, it was of one of the two back to back shows we saw in Dallas. We talked about music for a little bit and then I somehow brought up that I had left and empty seat and he told me she had transfered to another school in town and that we'll sit together next time. That ended up being my favorite class, I was so good at it too. Our prof once handed my test to me upside down and shook her head, and I had only gotten an 89, which was my worst grade ever in that class. I almost got a 100 and so many people flunked out or quit. It was a higher level programming class. But anyway, we stayed really good friends and I ended up being the groomsman for his wedding for that same girl that I had left an empty spot for. What a nice love story :) But back to the whole reason I mentioned this, he had asked me how I was doing during the show. The first opening band was really bad and we were kind of sick of it. I spent most of the time looking around and he told me jokingly that I probably knew half of the crowd. The person I was actually looking out for was your sister. I remember she moved to Dallas, or around it, after she left my college. I had played out a million situations in my head on how I'd ask about you. I think later I found out that her and the bf don't even live there anymore. I told my friend and I ended up spilling the beans about how much I still love you. He gave me all of the typical stuff about more people out there and all of that, but the way he reacted and made me feel like it was normal for still loving you made me feel so much better. I ended up having a nice time when the music started, and at the other show we had booked the following day too. I can't wait for you to meet him either, you've never met him, but he's practically met you hahaha.
I want to write your name a billion times. I love you with all of my heart.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY ABSOLUTE ANGEL🪐🎂🍰🧁🎉🍷IM GONNA BE SPAMMING YOU TOO MUCH WHEN YOU WAKE UP💕I literally cannot express through a tumblr dm how much I like you and that you’ve changed my life forever, but for now virtually I can say; you’re the reason I wake up with a heart all fluttery, and when I go to bed I think about scenarios with you. I think about how lucky I was at 19 to meet such an open soul who decided to be my friend, and getting to know you over only the span of a week I realized you were going to be one of my best friends - but more than that. You were someone who matched my energy so much it was scary! And when I found out things such as you liking Mazzy Star, I was like HI UM HELLO? did mom wish for you to cross paths with me? (that’s me being dramatic because Cheesebot actually did that 🤐) I’m going to ramble too much but what I’m trying to get at is, you make me feel like the first time I stepped out of the theater to watch the goldfinch and it was raining, and I was smiling under my umbrella like a weirdo. I also thought of you the other night when I was running back home from the gym in a lightning storm and I could barely see but I started laughing so much🌧 I’m basically trying to say I think of you all the time?? But also that you make me feel alive and excited and fluttery and ?? Those scenarios make me think of you because I get the same feeling when doing things with you or talking to you:) and I felt that from the first week we met☔️ and i love you! But also like I’m in love with you? and i want to really admit that now because I’m not afraid to say it!! I have no idea what falling in love is like but I think its what this feels like and I’m really glad to experience it🤍 but anyways you’re my best friend and i love you-happy birthday🧁 thank you May 14th for putting theo thot potter into my life🙌
UM i can’t explain to you how much this made my heart absolutely burst from my chest and collide with the stars. the last three years i’ve known you have been the best of my life, the best i could ever ask for (until the day - potentially very soon - we finally get to meet without any distance between us), and i’m so glad it’s you. i’m so glad it’s you i get to fall for, it’s you who inspires delirious 1am teary voice messages, it’s you who embodies the souvlaki album and the sun over the waves and the swooping in my stomach and every long car drive and the poetry i read and all the sweet stories about soulmates. i’m so glad it’s you who’s showing me what love is, for real, and why we don’t have to be afraid of it.
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