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#Please reblog so more people can enjoy
iceycube · 4 months
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Pebernødder!
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Tiny traditional Danish Christmas cookies, name translates to pepper nuts. One recipe yields 150-200.
Ingredients:
45 g brown sugar
65 g granulated sugar
1 tablespoon dark syrup
130 g softened butter
1 egg
250 g all purpose flour
2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground white pepper (you can do more, but they get a very spicy aftertaste then.)
1/3 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cardamom
2 1/2 teaspoon vanilla sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon baking soda
How to:
Mix all ingredients (or you can do like when making American cookies: cream butter and sugars and syrup, and then add egg, and then the dry stuff)
Wrap and cool in fridge for at least 1 hour.
Portion into 4 and roll into very thin sausages. We are talking pinky finger thick.
Cut to 1 cm slices and roll to small balls. Or just set them up and press on them.
Press slightly flat on baking sheet. Leave one nut space between nuts as they almost double in size.
Bake in convection oven at 180 Celsius for 8-10 minutes
You can also use it for cookie cutter cookies and decorate with icing like you would ginger bread men.
All spices except cinnamon and cardamom are optional and can be regulated up or down how you like them :]
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beesorcery · 1 month
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hello it's part 3 of 3 for my cool fun graphic design adventure!! part 1 and part 2 got too long. to recap i am recreating this t-shirt design but with the magic 8 ball songs instead of city names:
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here is the current draft, updated through 3/27 (pittsburgh) (!!!!)
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xhanisai · 10 months
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hey lads if you’re not gonna comment on a fic you enjoyed, at least leave a kudos man
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thefrogdalorian · 15 days
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Having of those moments where I wish to yeet the like button into the sun or maybe make it so there was setting you could turn on so that people can only reblog posts (even better with the minimum requirement of adding at least one tag)!!
It's kind of absurd that one of my fics is getting close to 500 notes while simultaneously being one I've had the least actual human interactions come from. Like...... come on, that's now how it should be AT ALL!
Don't get me wrong, I'm so thrilled people are clearly finding it and I guess enjoying it(??) but just having endless likes without people letting me know what they enjoyed about it or even if they liked it kind of makes me sad. That's not why I want to share my writing here!
I love having those little human connections with others. I don't ever want my writing to feel transactional. I would love to talk to more people about things I've written. It's truly one of the best feelings and I would hate to lose that, the more I write or the more notes my fics get. Please don't be shy!! I get the social anxiety, but there is no reason to be. I am truly just a Din Djarin obsessed loser.
Anyway, whine over. I don't want to focus on the negatives here and I appreciate every single person who has ever left a positive interaction with something I've written. You are truly a light!
#i don't JUST like posts too often#really the only posts i dont reblog but like are to save for later or if it's too personal/explicit#or i guess i have nothing to add and OP has said it all yknow#but if i see some writing or art i love then hell yeah i always force myself to add at least one tag i like just so the artist/author sees#otherwise it feels like a hollow transaction and i really want people to know i appreciate their art more than just pressing a button yknow#and I KNOW it's intimidating at first to interact with others!! TRUST ME i get it and i'm still awful at it#but just one little comment can make someone feel so good about their writing... why wouldn't someone want to try that at least#especially if you enjoyed it!!! even a key smash or a string of emojis!!!#and the death of the tumblr tag is SO SAD because where else am i meant to talk to you lot?#i mean these tags are longer than my actual post and that's the beauty of tumblr#you don't have to perceive me down here but you can if you wish and i love you for that!#and it's a nice way to organise your blog to make it navigable for others#ANYWAY said i was done whining and continued whining down here so there's that LOL but i always want to interact with more people#please do not be afraid of reaching out to me! scroll through my blog for 5 seconds and you'll see what a nerdy loser i am#akdjgds i mean aren't we all here#spud rants#writing#but thanks again to anyone who leaves nice comments im giving you a (consensual) forehead smooch MWAH
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corrodedcoughin · 1 year
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You!!! Make this community a better place!!! Thank you for grazing in the Steddie nation!!
#you ever watch a documentary on autism in ‘women and girls’ and SO MUCH of it hits home and makes sense but not all of it 100% so doubt#yourself even though over 75% fits when you’ve been thinking this might be The Right Fit but don’t have a formal diagnosis and probably#will never get one#BUT THEN get really upset because it’s in ‘women and girls’ and you don’t want to be either of those and it hurts in a way you can’t explan#and then worry you are over analysing everything and making things out to be more than they are#idk idk just thoughts to vent out I don’t need a reply so please don’t feel obligated or anything#I mean talking abt it is always interesting but I’m not expecting anything#as all of my posts are!! never an obligation! ever!!!#idk man just thinking out loud and tag talking is my way becaude a full text post is too Much#I just hope everyone is doing okay???? AND!!! I hope you are enjoying yourselves???#in some way!!#because I’ve come back and seeing the creativity and joy and community here js so lovely#I wish I had the time to reblog everybody’s work and exclaim the details and feeling of it all#because regardless of fic shit post art edit gifs it’s all INCREDIBLE. it brings so much emotion to so many and you deserve the recognition#and credit for it because yes you do it for yourself but the feedback is always nice. always.#I just want people to be encouraged to create idk you are all so wonderful and I need you to know that#OKAY I’m done back to Normal reblogs and ask answering and whatever else I can provide#sorry!!!
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worm-moon-eclipse · 2 months
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not feeling a lot of "love" or "joy" right now if I'm being honest
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pens-swords-stuff · 2 years
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I really hate to be that person, but please support me and reblog my AAPI AMA posts! You can find everything at #aapi ama.
I'm seeing a lot of likes on those posts right now, but very few reblogs. If you think this is a good reference, please don't just bookmark it, please spread it.
It takes an incredible amount of time, energy and mental labor to answer all of these questions. I'm doing this AMA to help people at my expense because I know there are a lot of questions about Japan, Japanese culture, and the experience of being Japanese but not many places to ask.
And while you are absolutely not obligated to reblog anything, I'm also not obligated to continue doing this AMA if engagement is low and people don't care.
Reblogs are the way I measure whether this AMA is worth doing or not, because it's about making my voice heard when there are a lot of other non-Japanese voices talking over us about our own experiences. While it's incredibly important to me that my experiences can provide something to writers, what's the point of doing this if people don't see it, or if it's not useful enough to reblog?
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risingsunresistance · 2 years
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man idk there's so much to say on the like/reblog thing but i think the main point i feel strongly about is like. please consider that artists dont owe you anything unless you're literally paying them. they could decide tomorrow that they're tired of posting and leaving
if you have an artist you enjoy but you're never sharing their posts, consider why. maybe take a second to remind them that ppl enjoy their stuff, even if it's just by reblogging it or maybe just leaving a reply. maybe even send them an ask if that's something you'd rather do. doesnt boost their posts, but it still gives feedback. i just think feedback is a pretty big motivator even on the smallest posts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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yuriyuruandyuraart · 2 years
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ah well gosh hi???
in what i said was gonna be a one day break from, well, life tbh, i seemingly realized that i don't just have school coming SOON, but that i wasn't prepared to wake up at 2pm to find out i only have a few days left of total free time not spent struggling and stressing out over exams of all things
so like any average person i went and made plans with friends to hang out and get my mind off of everything- and while it was good while it lasted, i really wanted to be, yknow, clear
i have artworks at the ready, and if i ever become desperate enough to start getting a hang on drawing with a mouse all the time i might as well, but as things stand i really do not know what the heck i am doing-
i'll try my hardest to at least look for a way to fix the pen cause that's just the most important and expensive part of the damaged stuff, but i'm thinking the cable is perma-broke so i'll have to look for a way to replace it
to cut right to the chase: i have some art i can post. but i dunno when, if, or which to post because most of them have some context that i would've normally been all too eager to explain, but as things stand? man i don't think i could muster the energy to try
so? i dunno yall- i mean i could start writing again? i've entertained the idea long enough and this might be just the opportunity to finally get some practice without getting distracted by drawing :'D
i could do small stuff with a mouse if i feel like sharing some art, but the illustrations? i feel like i can only post those once i feel a bit more alive mentally and physically to interact with others without feeling so drained all the time (but knowing that school's coming, i can't really promise anything :'))
thanks a lot for the sweet words and patience guys- it means a lot that you won't immediately, idk, ditch this blog once you realize i might not post much if not at all (hopefully not gosh) for an undetermined amount of time? you really made me realize this wasn't as bad as my mind's been pushing me to think,
so trust me i WILL bounce back and reblog stuff and have entire essays in your tags eventually- i just need to stop feeling like it has to be today, or tomorrow, or any days afterwards, just that it will happen when i feel like it<3
#rambling#delete later?#it feels so funny to get bothered by something that would be trivial to future me in like...idk a year?#i'm not as upset as i thought i'd be too- just mostly numb i guess..#also the reason why i can't bring myself to post the artworks i had- can i really talk about how much fun i had drawing them?#when i'm barely wrapping my head around the fact that i can't no more? and for an uncertain amount of time where i'll be too busy#too tired and too short on money to even think about drawing in the first place? i don't think i wanna get used to that but well#if there's one thing i can take from these vacations is that while you guys can't see it i really did have fun improving on my art#and gosh do i love what i'm doing so much that i personally wouldn't mind if it were just for me alone to see#but after sharing my ideas and works into the wild and watching people gather around to share ideas back-#i can say i like my art and the why is because it makes me happy! and it apparently does for you guys too so why not share! >:)#i also guess one of the reasons i'm not as active is cause of the whole need to compose myself and find the time to breathe and enjoy#the works of the others and mine and think of ways to express my feelings to everyone#and trust me sometimes i wish i could just write nothing and post/reblog- but it feels so empty#if i wanted to do that i'd make another account#no i want to talk about what i love with y'all and if i start rambling well no one's complaining!#if i see something made with the thought of me behind it then ain't no way in hell i'm not climbing rooftops yelling how much i love it#so if i somehow don't do that then i'm either too busy to even check tumblr- dead- or doing even worse somehow- so nothing against you!#guess i had that on my mind for a while now so please! i'm not ignoring you on purpose! i'm probably too wrapped up in my stuff to react#same for asks btw i am not joking there's so many and i live in constant shame xD :')#if you made it this far i am so sorry for yet another long post but i feel it's justified a little x) goodnight everyone! have a nice day<3
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iceycube · 4 months
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Brunkager!
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Christmas cookie. Very thin and crispy
Ingredients:
125 g butter
100 g sugar
100 g syrup
1 teaspoon potash +35 ml cold water
200 g all purpose flour
3 g ground cinnamon
2 g ground ginger
1 g vanillasugar (optional)
2 g ground cloves
80 g roughly chopped almonds
(or you use 40 g almonds and 40 g sukat, which is candied citrus peel)
How to:
Melt sugar, butter and syrup in a small pot. You want it to boil for a minute while stirring.
Remove from stove
Dissolve potash in water and add to syrup-butter pot
Let cool to room temperature
In a bowl mix the dry stuff and the almonds
Add syrup mixture to dry stuff and mix thoroughly.
Line a different bowl with baking paper and pour batter into the baking paper bowl. Set in fridge at least 10 hours
Remove dough from bowl and roll to 1-2 inch thick log. Portion into 4 and wrap and freeze.
Cut to 2-3 mm slices with a very sharp knife while in frozen state and put on baking sheet.
Bake in a convection oven at 180 Celsius for 8-12 minutes until crispy
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nitro-nova · 4 months
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Hey can someone help me go back and time and ask who's fucking bright idea was it to stick all the bass and other low register instruments completely on the right fucking side of the theater with zero compensation on the other? RIP to the people on the left side I guess, fucking ridiculous here please enjoy my proposed solution
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FUCK YEAH WAY BETTER
Edit: Okay, this was fun, but I'm turning off reblogs so I don't get further notifications. People keep asking where are the cellos over and over -- the answer is "I forgot" lol.
I'm glad everyone enjoyed my silly post. Feel free to browse the notes for the many good reasons provided by other musicians (ones with experience in classical music) about why the arrangement is the way it is. There are a couple of musicians who think this post is genius actually but really this was meant to be a joke and nothing more.
I am not (usually) a funnyman on this site. You really should see the indie games I'm working on. I'm not using Patreon or Ko-Fi or w/e currently, I just want to post gamedev updates, for now.
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graylinesspam · 1 month
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just doing a poll for my own Aro/Ace curiosity.
I don't want to hear from non Ace people on this one please. I'm also kinda trying to prove a point about there being more Ace people on this site. (As I seem to have collected them all, but none of them know each other). So my fellow ace people, please share this with all of your followers and we'll get a fun little social experiment out of it.
non ace people are encouraged to reblog, but don't vote; Thank you.
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sunnywalnut · 1 month
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Today I saw my first Starbucks ad that had careful product placement, no words or obvious promos, and just two people having a good time.
And to that I want to say.
Fuck you Starbucks.
I know what you're doing.
Lost enough money due to supporting Israel that you've finally turned to sneakiness? Your brand suddenly isn't enough to sell? How saddening.
Like I know that brands and businesses do product placement. I know they do ads and promos. I know they do things to show their "customers"(actors) having a good time with their products. That's not just a Starbucks thing.
But what IS a Starbucks thing is the sneaky approach to it now. They were so careful to have the only logos showing being on the cups. It's subtle. And it's definitely on purpose. Trying to get you to crave both the drink and the experience.
BUT HEY.
REMEMBER.
STARBUCKS AIN'T SHIT GUYS.
IT'S BITTER, OVERROASTED COFFEE BEANS IN A CUP COVERED UP WITH ENOUGH SUGAR TO KILL A MAN.
There's no fucking way that you're going to be enjoying yourself while choking down a caramel French toast macchiato that tastes like licking a dirty brick y'all.
Also like. They're supporting genocide, so.
Maybe. Don't fall for the new promos. Okay?
Free Palestine.
EDIT: I have since been informed that the Starbucks brand itself is not complicit in genocide and instead, it is the CEO of Starbucks who is a Zionist. I have since made an apology post for accidentally spreading misinformation in the reblogs and have tagged my sources with evidence. If you can, please do repost that version of this post instead.
I will still be leaving this version of the post (the original) up and unedited, because I do not want to appear as if I am trying to change the narrative in any way or pretending as if what I have said doesn't exist or effect people.
While I am more than a little embarrassed about my initial approach to the subject, I have since learned more proper ways of threading together my thoughts as well as vetting my resources thoroughly. Thank you, and I hope you have a good night/day.
Free Palestine.
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kaijutegu · 11 months
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Beating the Heat while Fat: A Summer Survival Guide
Summer is (almost) here and it’s going to be hotter than ever. If you’re fat (like me), you know how much hot weather sucks. Specifically, we get to deal with fun issues like underboob sweat, chub rub, skin fold sunburn, and more. And while I like to take a body neutral approach to everything, this can be hard in summer thanks to exclusion and neglect.
The thing is that not a lot of people really... talk about these things, though, because that would interfere with our image of summer. Not a lot of companies are marketing their stuff as a solution to fat people’s problems, because that would be acknowledging that fat people might actually want to go outside during summer.
Having been fat for many a summer now, I want to share some of my resources for enjoying summer! These are all based on personal recommendations and things I have directly experienced. Please feel free to reblog and add on with your experiences and recommendations!
However, if your commentary is even remotely fatphobic, you will be blocked and your comments will be deleted. This post is not for you, and nobody is actually interested in what you have to say!
Back and Underboob Sweat
Two words: Gold Bond. Gold Bond fixes this. It comes in powder, stick, and spray form. I’ve used the powder in shoes, but not on my body. They’ve recently released an invisible form of the spray, which I’m very excited about.
Spray this under your breast tissue or other skin folds, or on flat areas of skin like your lower back that tend to sweat. Some of their powders have aloe in them, which is delightfully soothing for the skin.
Make sure that if you’re sensitive to scent, you buy one of the unscented versions. The “fresh” scent is nice, but it is a scent!
When you’re using this type of spray, do it clean but dry. Don’t do it right after a shower- give your skin a chance to dry off. Lift your breast or skin fold, spray underneath, and then hold it for a couple of seconds to let the spray dry down.
You can also use other types of powder, like body powder or baby powder. There’s mixed evidence about talc-containing powder and its link to cancer, but some people do find talcum powder more irritating than talc-free powder, so whether or not you use this is up to you.
Do keep in mind that this is NOT sunscreen! Apply your sunscreen first for areas of exposed skin.
Chub Rub
Dealing with the tops of your thighs rubbing together is extremely unfun. There are a couple of ways I like to deal with this!
Slip Shorts
I actually reviewed a bunch of these a few years ago. Slip shorts or bike shorts are perfect for wearing under dresses or loose-fitting rompers as a way to stop your thighs from rubbing. As a bonus, if you’re using bike shorts, sometimes they come with extra pockets to stash stuff in.
Friction Sticks
If you’re wearing a swimsuit and don’t want to wear shorts, or just don’t want to wear shorts, period, then a friction stick is another good way to avoid chub rub! I have a couple, Bodyglide and Gold Bond.
If you’re buying Bodyglide, they have one that’s just as good, Bodyglide Outdoor, that is sometimes cheaper. There’s a Bodyglide “For Her” which I’ve never tried, but that’s usually more expensive and let’s be real, do you really need to moisturize your inner thighs? I think not!
There’s also creams you can use but I find those messy and less effective than the sticks. You might like them, though! Experiment with products to find the one(s) that work for you.
Friction sticks can also stop foot blisters. Rub a little on your heel, toe, or wherever you get hot spots. 
Dealing With Sweat
I sweat, you sweat, we all sweat. Humans were meant to sweat. Sweating’s a good thing. But that doesn’t mean it’s fun, and frankly I hate being sweaty. Typically, fat people sweat more than thin people, for several reasons related to the way we thermoregulate.
Fortunately, there are lots of ways to make summer sweating less annoying. I’ve written about this before, so you can check out that post for some of my favorite tips for dealing with sweat. Here’s some of the highlights.
Evaporative Cooling
A bandanna or other wrap filled with water crystals can do AMAZING things. You can make this yourself really easily- if you can’t find water crystals, you can just use Orbeez. They sell little 99 cent packs of those in the checkout lines at some stores and at the dollar store, and you can make several cooling wraps with one packet.
You can also get evaporative cooling towels, like Frogg Toggs. I don’t like those as much because they tend to start smelling a little funny, but they’re great for larger area coverage.
Using these will help cool you down and will do the same thing that sweat does– without being sticky.
Hair
If you have long hair, get it off the back of your neck. I used to put it up in a bun with a bun former, but now I just use claw clips. They’re cuter and easier! Seriously, this will help you so much. Get the hair up and away from your skin, you’ll feel so much better.
Hand Fans
I always have a hand fan with me, but not one of the little battery operated ones. I’ve tried a lot of those! I even took one up a mountain once, and it was the only reason I survived. But they never provide the same level of breeze that my folding fan does.
I use this one because it’s cute, and you can get cute ones for a couple bucks on Amazon. I do prefer fabric to the stiff paper ones, just because they’re a bit more durable- I’ve had mine for years now. It’s good.
I’m also not a huge fan of those fans that go around your neck, but I’ve seen many people enjoying them. If they work for you, great!
Hydration and Electrolytes
Carry water with you when you go places, and if you’re gonna be out for a while doing anything strenuous, take some electrolyte tablets with you. I like Nuun because I think they taste good, but there’s lots of brands out there.
There’s no one mineral called electrolyte, just so you know. Electrolytes are a group of minerals that includes sodium, potassium, and chloride as the primary (or significant) electrolytes. Electrolytes are important because they have a natural positive or negative electrical charge when dissolved in water. This electricity is how your nerves transmit information and how your cells make your muscles contract, so low levels of electrolytes can cause some serious issues. Different electrolyte imbalances have different symptoms, but common symptoms include nausea, fatigue, confusion, tremors, muscle spasms (cramps), and dizziness.
If you’re feeling those as you’re moving around outside, get somewhere cool, drink some water, and either eat some food or add electrolyte tablets to your water. This will help stabilize you quickly!
Skin Fold Sunburn Prevention
Everybody should wear sunscreen, period. End of story.
But if you’re applying sunscreen by yourself and you have skin folds, it can be a pain to reach them! This is especially true for any folds that form on your upper back or around your upper arm.
These areas can burn and be very painful, especially if you’re in swimwear or a sleeveless top. It’s also VERY easy to forget that these areas need sunscreen!
If you don’t want or don’t have someone to help you apply those areas you can’t reach, spray sunscreen can be a way to get those areas. If you don’t like the spray or want heavier coverage with a cream, then use a lotion applicator!
If the stick style doesn’t work for you (like if you have shoulder mobility issues), the strap style asks for a different range of motion. If you can’t find one that works for you at a big box store, look at a pharmacy. These are often sold as disability aids or for elderly people with a reduced range of motion.
But honestly, one of the most important things about this is just knowing your body. Know where your skin folds are and think about how they move as you’re applying sunscreen. Get underneath them- as you move, those areas can be exposed to the sun, too.
So yeah, that’s my best advice for beating the heat while fat. If you’ve got other tips, feel free to share them!
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hermitadaymay · 10 days
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WELCOME TO HERMIT-A-DAY MAY 2024!
I'm thrilled to bring this challenge to you all for the second year in a row! Hermit-a-Day May is a challenge inspired by Hermitober, but with a twist: instead of theme prompts, we focus on a specific Hermit every day!
THE RULES: 1. Any type of fanwork is welcome so long as it features, or is otherwise inspired by, the Hermit of the day. 2. Tag #hermitaday to have your fanwork reblogged, or submit it directly to the blog (Please note that while I recognize the value of fanworks involving more mature themes, and they can certainly count toward challenge completion if you're keeping track for yourself, content on this blog will be kept "PG-13" so that all may enjoy.). 3. Fanworks for one Hermit posted after the day rolls over to another Hermit's day (per the US Central time zone) will be reblogged in a big queue in June. 4. I am not interested in seeing captions or tags in which you disparage your art/skills. We're all improving all the time. Be kind to yourselves.
WHY SHOULD I PARTICIPATE? To show love to every Hermit, from the most to least subscribed, from those who have been on the server from day one to those who only joined this season! And because challenges are fun! And because, this year, there's an extra dimension to the event: a fundraiser for Gamers Outreach, featuring art incentives by @rendiggitydog and @belmarzi.
GRAND TOTAL INCENTIVE: For every $150 we raise for Gamers Outreach, belmarzi will make 10 seconds' worth of animatic, featuring as many Hermits as she can fit into the time frame.
INDIVIDUAL DONATION INCENTIVE: For every $65 you personally donate to the fundraiser during the month of May, Rae rendiggitydog will draw you a shaded flats commission of a Hermit of your choice.
WHO’S RUNNING THIS? Hi! My name is Luna! You can use she/her, he/him, ze/hir, or ro/ros/roseself pronouns for me. My main blog is @as-if-unreal. Yep, before you ask, it really is just me, but to be fair I've had a lot of help.
BONUS SUNDAY PROMPTS EXPLAINED UNDER THE CUT
TFC - May 5th While he may no longer be with us physically, TFC left behind him a legacy of quiet care and good humor, and Hermitcraft would not have been the same without him.
FRIENDS OF HERMITCRAFT - May 12th There are plenty of shows, podcasts, competitions, other servers, and more woven into the internet ecosystem around Hermitcraft, and plenty more people involved in them: just as a small number of examples, Season 9's Rift opened up to a whole server of Emperor friends, and there are always allies to be made in MCC and enemies to be made in the Life Series. Today is for celebrating all of those who, while they may not be Hermits themselves, exist and entertain in proximity to them.
FAVORITE "ALT" HERMIT - May 19th HoTGuY and Poultry-Man. Helsknight and Evil Xisuma. Renbob and - look, you get the idea. This server is full of theater kids ready to toss on an alternate skin and play into a brand new character at the drop of a hat. Who's your favorite?
GROUPS AND COLLABS - May 26th This month is all about one Hermit a day... but what we really love is when they interact with each other. What does your favorite duo or group of Hermits get up to together?
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ervotica · 5 months
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“C'mere, sweetheart-“ & “Breathe, just breathe-" with finnick please 🤍
a life of our own
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pairing: finnick odair x reader
summary: finnick helps you find yourself again when you’re rescued from the capitol. you’re desperate to trust him again.
warnings: hurt/comfort, a lil fluff, a lil angst, r was tortured and brainwashed in the capitol after catching fire (i got sooo carried away with this but i luv it! hope you enjoy, please remember to like/comment + reblog!)
hunger games masterlist
Your chest is red-hot with anguish; it’s all you feel lately. Confined to this white room, locked in, spending all your time waiting for something that won’t come.
Nothing is real anymore. Your life is a thick fog that you can’t decipher, can’t tell which bits of it are real and which were planted by the Capitol. They made you a weapon against the revolution, against Katniss and Coin and Finnick.
You know him, that much is evident in your unconscious reactions. The way your chest tightens and squeezes when he walks into a room, how your breath catches and you hunger after his touch despite not knowing exactly why. But you know that he’s familiar and that - at one point or another - you loved him.
He visits routinely like clockwork, every day at around the same time. And each time you don’t push him away, don’t flinch at his touch like you do the others, his confidence grows.
Your doctor has been practicing memory games with you, which parts do your life are real and which are fabricated. You repeat them in your head over and over and sometimes they slip out when you’re talking, too. You’ve been incorporating opinions on top of the basic facts you know, and you’ve been including what you know about him.
You rock on the bed with your knees to your chest, feet tucked underneath you as you recite everything you can remember about him. You mutter it under your breath, tongue clicking as you whisper.
The door creaks and you stop dead mid-sentence. Finnick slips in without a word, pulling a chair up to sit by you. He doesn’t miss the way you eye him warily, watching every movement, every tick of his jaw and twitch of his muscles. You’ve always been perceptive- it’s one of his earliest memories of you. How you watch people.
He sits and watches you in return; you trace every inch of his body with your eyes, the bruises on his arms, the points of his shoulders, the slope of his nose and chin, the curve of his jaw.
“Finnick,” you say. He smiles; his fingers rest on the edge of the bed.
“That’s right.”
You reach out to touch him; he stays dead still as instructed by your doctors, but lets you lift his hand to place it in your own much smaller one. You turn so you’re sitting cross legged facing him, holding his hand in your lap. His heart could burst with the way you’re looking at him, a cocktail of fear and longing in your eyes. Something else lies deeper than that, like you’re being pulled through the rubble of your own mind and to the surface. Something a lot like love.
“Can I ask you something?” Your voice is small, more timid than he’s ever heard from you.
“Anything.”
“You love me. Real or not real?”
“Real,” he murmurs.
“I think I love you, too. I know I did before. I just don’t know which parts of my brain are real.” You fiddle with his fingers, the pad of your thumb rubbing over his knuckles methodically. If this is the only way you’ll ever touch him again, he’ll take it. He’ll take every scrap, every morsel of affection he can eke out of you. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
“We can figure that out together.” He’s soft as he speaks to you and it’s a voice that you remember. A very distinct one in your memory.
“Finnick,” you say again. He nods and shifts closer.
“Sometimes you call me Finn,” he starts, pressing lips to your knuckles. “Or honey. Or idiot if you’re mad at me.”
You smile and he catches a glimpse of you in there, engulfed by everything you’ve seen, everything you’ve been told. But he knows he can pull you out.
“I don’t think I’d ever be mad at you,” you mumble. He purses his lips thoughtfully.
“Well, sometimes I am an idiot. And I know you tell me that because you want to keep me safe.”
You’re in agreement there, not knowing everything but knowing undeniably that you would do anything to protect Finnick.
You shuffle over in the bed and tug at his arm. He tilts his head curiously, knowing what you’re asking but not wanting to be presumptuous.
“You want me to come sit up there with you, sweetheart?”
“Yes please.”
“Okay.” He settles himself next to you, legs outstretched where yours are tucked up tightly to your body. “If it gets too much, you tell me and I’ll go, okay?”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“Then I won’t.”
You shuffle round and swing your legs over his own so you’re almost completely in his lap; his arm comes up and over your shoulders automatically, like muscle memory. This is how you are in your clearest memories- together, a tightly knit partnership. He’s holding his breath, waiting for you to realise what you’re doing and lose composure, but that moment doesn’t come. You just sit and close your eyes, ear to his chest, listening to his heart beat.
“I’m tired,” you croak.
“You want me to leave you to sleep?”
“No.” Your voice is thick and uneven where you’re full of all these new emotions that you can’t quite place. “Will you stay?”
“I’ll stay as long as you want.”
He pulls the thin blanket over your body and smiles as you needle in close to him, face in the juncture of his neck. Hiding with him instead of from him.
“C’mere, sweetheart.” You relax at the pet name, your body going lax against his own as you start to fall asleep.
You can’t be asleep for more than 30 minutes before you start to stir. You’re muttering in your sleep as you start to twitch and reach out for something.
Your brow knits and it forms a crease in the middle of your forehead as you start to cry.
“Honey, c’mon,” Finnick murmurs, his hand pressed to your neck in an effort to rouse you. “It’s just a dream.”
His chest aches; he can’t bear seeing you in this state, knowing there’s not much he can do to make it better. Thinking it’s his fault for not getting to you in time.
You scream and wake with a start, wide-eyed and frantic. Your eyes flit around the clinical looking room as you try to gauge your surroundings and reorient yourself.
“Honey, it’s okay. It was just a dream, you’re safe.”
You scramble back and push him away, curling yourself up into a ball at the foot of the bed. Tears paint your cheeks and they shine in the harsh white lights, hiccuping sobs. He crouches a metre or so away, palms up, arms outstretched in hopes you’ll make contact again.
“Breathe, just breathe,” he says. “You’re okay. I’m here, I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.”
You’re like a wild animal the way you look at him- panic-stricken and agitated, frenetic in the way you move.
“Honey, it’s me. It’s Finn.”
You swallow thickly and nod, your body slowly starting to unfurl.
“Finn,” you sniffle, holding out your arms. “Finnick.”
He creeps closer still and you practically throw yourself into his arms, face against the hollow of his throat, arms locked around his middle like a vice.
“I have you. I’m right here,” he says, over and over like a mantra. A promise.
“I don’t wanna live like this anymore.”
“You’re not going to,” he whispers. “I’ll be here until you feel well enough and then we can start planning our life. Together.”
“Okay.”
Your fingers card through the short hairs at the nape of his neck, wet eyes meeting his.
“I love you. I know it now, I can remember that.”
“I love you too,” he says, craning his neck to meet your eyes. “You’re my girl.”
You’re hesitant as you tilt your head up to press a kiss to his lips but he welcomes it, his thumb and forefinger holding your chin in place as he pecks you a few more times.
“We’re gonna have a life of our own, I promise.”
“A life of our own.”
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