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iceycube · 2 days

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"This should do it." It looked down at itself, pleased.

The two - rather long - legs jut out under it's torso. It used it's new - ew - five fingers to feel along it's skin, feeling the bumps of a ribcage underneath. A heartbeat too.

In front of it was a mirror, and staring back at itself was a human. Well, an illusion of one.

Time and time again, the newly star bound aliens, humans, had infiltrated it's species ranks through elaborate disguises. They got better at it every time.

Not only were humans great with what they call "make up" but they had a way of mimicking their behaviors. It's species tried to replicate this. Failed to. In the end, they had something better.

A team of highly immoral scientists who were given boundless permission to try whatever the hell they wanted. And they went with genetic mutation.

It was a painful change, and slow. Agonizingly slow. But now, it was a super solider with one superpower. A shape-shifter.

And it was time to test it out.

It strolled out of the bathroom and into the eating area where various alien species were seated. Only one human - the unwitting test subject - was present.

If this could pass for normal conversation, this could pass for war.

It strolled right up to the other creature - a man who had not yet seen him - and sat down.

"I'm glad to see one other human on this station," it said.

The human non-committedly looked up. Only to jump with a start after taking it in.

"What are you?" he said.

"A human?" it said. If it's species could sweat, it would do so by now.

The man stared at it a moment. He turned to the alien on his right and pointed to his left.

"Forgive me if this question is batshit insane, but what do you see?"

"Two humans?" The alien had three eyes.

Her species' third eye was famous for detecting the most miniscule details and then committing it to subconscious memory. The rise and fall of a chest. The careful rythem of a human heart. How often - or little - a human blinks. Even human's make-up tricks couldn't bypass her species' extra form of security.

"So it is," said the man. She turned away and it found itself blinking quickly in relief. It cut that out when the human turned to it. "Sorry, I guess you're just real ugly."

"Ugh, rude." All humans are ugly.

He scooted in closer on the bench and leaned in towards it. It found itself leaning away, but couldn't help but notice the bead of sweat on the human's forehead and how the pupils were shrunken as far as they could.

"Wanna hear an old Earth tale?"

"I'm sure I know it." Was this a test?

"I doubt you know this one. My grandfather experienced it himself." He leaned away. It had stop itself from blinking too rapidly again. "This is about an Earth cryptid."

"Bigfoot?" it said, but nodded as if it already knew.

"Everyone knows Bigfoot," he laughed. "No, he was driving down a dark country road unlit by street lights. He didn't have his brights on - that's important to the story, you see - but heaven knows why."

Brights??? What are brights???

"Down the road an animal was crossing. A simple male deer with antlers. He couldn't see its body yet, but he was familiar with the eyes. They glowed as his car sped closer."

"He slowed as the deer became more apparent, and eventually came to a stop when the creature wouldn't move. By now, he could see the antlers, the four legs, the neck. Not in detail, mind you, but he could see it "

Other aliens in the room- not hearing this conversation - were trickling out of the room. There was no dramatic reason for this, they simply finished their lunch. The human, not paying any attention to his own lunch, continued the story.

"It's not uncommon for deer to freeze, especially when lights flood their eyes. So my grandfather gave it a moment to realize it should run. When seconds ticked by, he honked at it."

"There was something... off... about the deer. It looked every way like a deer, but the longer he stared, the longer that just didn't seem right."

"Was it a deer?" it said.

"It was not."

"What was it?"

"Not a deer."

The alien found itself frown at this in a perfectly human way.

"Time went on, and my grandfather decided to turn on the brights to try and see the creature better. And it was still... a deer... but not..."

It found its frown deepening.

"What's worse was it began to move. Similar to a deer, but all wrong. Like maybe its legs bent the wrong way. Or perhaps the legs were too long. It was every way like a deer, but it just was not."

"He drove home as soon as that not deer was out of his path. And yes, he found himself alive the next morning. But that encounter disturbed him, so he recounted it to everyone. And many people - especially in that town - could tell him their own stories."

"...okay?"

"Well, that story is funny. Probably a figment of his imagination, but it does reflect a very real human instinct."

This was another test. "Would this be something I know of?"

"It's called uncanny valley. It occurs to us when something looks human... but is not."

"Why?"

"Well, rumor has it that it was a instinct formed from a predator. Something that looked human but was not. A not human."

"A not human? Is this true?"

"No," he said. He laughed. "No, we most likely developed it for something a lot more practical. Corpses, you see. They carry a lot of bacteria, so we have a fear of them."

"...interesting."

"I have that very same feeling of you," he said. The room was empty besides the two. He reached for his bottle above his lunch tray.

"But I'm not a corpse?"

"You're about to be."

The human tossed down the bottle, effectively cracking off the bottom half and forming his weapon.

It shape-shifted as it scurried away to retreat from the very much human.

#Xeepzorp

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iceycube · 2 days

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ok i just had a humans-are-space-orcs thought

i grew up in bear country. like, the “you can’t leave food in your car because the bears will break your car and eat it” kind of bear country. so up there people make sure to teach their kids how to avoid getting eaten by bears. and you know the number one thing you do to avoid encountering a bear in the first place?

you make sure it hears you coming

if you’re hiking with a friend, you talk loudly the whole time. if you don’t want to do that, or you’re alone, you wear bells or something else that makes noise. because bears aren’t stupid, they know humans are trouble, and they don’t wanna fuck with you any more than you wanna fuck with them

like. think about that. bears are walking tanks. they can cave in the door to a house or move around a 500 pound dumpster like its nothing. you can shoot a bear with a gun and not do much more than piss it off. a bear could absolutely pick off one lone human on a hike for a free meal. but bears never hunt humans, and they rarely attack humans

like imagine an alien visiting earth and their human friend hands them a bell and says “when we go through here we gotta make sure the local apex predators know exactly where we are at all times”

and they’re like “…oh, yes, of course. the other predators on earth must have learned that they can’t kill a human, and it’s better to avoid a fight if you can”

and the human says “no, if a bear attacked us we’d die”

and they’re like, wait, what?? you want to give our exact location to something that could easily kill us? do you have a death wish??? and their friend is like, no, look, bears don’t fuck with humans if they can help it

not because they can’t, but because they know better

#Xeepzorp

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iceycube · 2 days

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Just once, I want a 'humans are space orcs' where the entire galaxy is suspicious of humans for building an army of monsters and terrorists to rule the galaxy some day, but it's just

Human: Oh you were banished from your city because you were born missing an arm and are considered hated by your gods?

Alien child: *nods*

Human: well, I've got kraft dinner and pocahontas on blue ray, wanna stay for a while?

Alien child, tearing up: *nods*

#Xeepzorp

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iceycube · 2 days

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Humans and Silence

Humans are feared Shamans, their music can heal the sick or inspire armies, but on one very black day, in the very worst of times, you may discover the power of their silence.

Human music is a magical thing and the Dran have learned to fear it, but sometimes their silence is worse.

I only learned this after I died. Ha, that is a exaggeration, another habit picked up from time spent with humans who are the greatest of storytellers, but on this occasion it is not far from the truth. In fact, I fully expected to die and my squad did believe I was dead.

We were caught in an ambush, Dran all around with little chance of escape.

I was shot and as I fell I slipped down into a ravine. I remember little of it, only the pain and the sensation of tumbling before my body shut down protectively.

What I know is what I have been told by my old squad and what little Andy will admit to me.

For many cycles now I have considered Andy to be as a pouch brother. This might seem strange, humans are terrifying and awe inspiring creatures, but we have been through so much that now to watch our younglings play together is like watching the family clan.

Back when I was shot, Andy was mortified. He was dragged away by the squad when they discovered a chink in the Dran line. There was no way they could get to me and not one of them doubted they had seen me die, something I do not blame them for when when the chances of my survival were so slim.

That night they found a place to rest, but Andy refused to sing or even sleep. He spent the night staring into the darkness, a sentinel radiating pure fury. His anger was so clear it kept the squad from resting too and their own thoughts turned as angry as his.

When he did speak it was to announce his intention to go back for me. No one could convince Andy it was foolish, he would not believe I was dead until he saw my body for himself, and then he would make sure I got the burial I deserved. It may mean little to us, but humans show great reverence to the dead and most especially those they treasured in life.

By this time I was awake again although I wished I were not. The Dran dragged me out of that ravine and threw me into a transport cart, not tending to my wounds or giving any thought to my pain as is typical of them.

I could see nothing, I could only hear the fighting. There were yells and screams, shots fired, even an explosion which sounded very like the humans who fight with us, they do like to make things explode.

When the cart door opened I was expecting a Dran executioner, instead I saw Andy.

He was bathed in blood and gore, his eyes burned with anger which melted the moment he saw me looking back at him. That was one of the few times I have seen his tears.

No words were spoken, he picked me up with his customary ease and threw me over his shoulders.

The next time I woke, Andy was playing his guitar at my bedside. I was safe, comfortable, and relaxed, he did everything to aid my recovery with his gentle music.

That was the only time Andy did not sing to the squad before going into battle and they told me the effect was more powerful than anything less than the death metal. Our Shaman vibrated pure and unadulterated rage, it rolled off him like fog battling the dawn sun, and it led them to slaughter every Dran between them and me.

It is a high honour to know my human brother unleashed the purest of magics in his quest to find me and bring me home.

#Xeepzorp

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iceycube · 2 days

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More alien thoughts:

So you know how fireflies glow in order to attract mates? What if there was an alien species that did that. They may be insectoid, they may not be, but in any case, they just flirtatiously light up at people they’re interested in. Or maybe they also just use it as a sign that they want to form friendly relations. So when they first meet other species they blink their lights at them to show them they’re friendly.

I was reading someone’s post about how a lot people dislike bugs but like fireflies because they glow. So maybe most humans warm up to them pretty quickly because the lights immediately make them seem more cute and appealing. Later, humans need to differentiate a friendly blink from a flirtatious one.

Meanwhile, a mimicking species also glows, however they use their glow to draw in prey (like a lantern fish does). Knowing that their sister species is peace loving and trusted by the other species, they use their similar luminescent abilities to their advantage. Space soon needs to learn to pick out little differences between the two species so they know what they’re getting into when they’re glowed at—do they think you’re cute or do they think you’re dinner?

Aaand because I love unlikely relationship dynamics, maybe in very rare occasions, the aggressive species actually does come to like a human/other species, but people have a hard time trusting them because of the general behavior of their planet.

I’m imagining a human with an aggressive glowing partner, and they’re introducing them to friends like, “Look, my partner is so cute! They glow at me! It was so cute how blinky they were when we first met!”

And then everyone is like “O.O That’s one of the homicidal ones…”

#Xeepzorp

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iceycube · 2 days

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Humans are feral

Alright, this my first post, and possibly a part one in a series of humans are feral story arcs. As well as being something that I constantly think about and wonder why no one talks about it. Maybe I just haven’t found the specific post.

Have we ever talked about how vicious humans can be? Especially in scenarios where something we care about it threatened? And I mean “bared teeth and snarling” type vicious. Beast mode activated. I’m talking about how we basically turn into animals in certain situations and rely solely on primal instinct.

Take mothers/fathers for example. You ever see a parent react to a situation in which their child was dancing with death? They will risk life and limb for that kid. My dad dove into a pool full speed after my two year old sister fell in the deep end. Clothes and all. Have you ever seen a woman after just giving birth and her mind is just straight hormones? And something happens that she perceives a threat? Someone picks up the newborn without consent, she jumps out of bed after a fucking cesarian to snatch the kid and full on snarl at them? Friend’s aunt did that shit. And don’t get me started on the super strength thing humans can do when someone is in danger and adrenaline kicks in. Then there are the people who will protect some random ass kid. A toddler or small kid with no parent around and suddenly something dangerous is about to happen? People will jump in parent or not.

~~~~~~

Imagine:

It was a quiet day in the streets of Kuratz. The market paths usually bustling with people of races only had a small stream of customers bouncing from stall to stall. Tourists or natives of all sorts. Ky’lio, a young Avalanghar, watched from his mia’s stall, long ears swiveling this way and that to pick up on what conversations he could understand.

Then they caught his eye. The strangers you’d never see in such a place. Humans. What looked like a family unit. Ky’lio couldn’t help but lean forward to stare. He recognized the tallest as a male and the slightly shorter one a female, as he had watched some interactions between his mia and her human customers. But those humans were always soldiers or neighboring colonists. These humans were different.

There was a third party. Ky’lio had never seen a human child except for the few pictures shared from other humans. It was notoriously well-known that humans were extremely protective of their younglings, so few were seen away from human colonies. So the small, bouncing creature Ky’lio watched tug on the adult humans’ paws didn’t register as a baby human until he really stared and saw the round features.

It kept trying to dart away from its parents, but the adults held vice-like grips onto the little one’s paws. Until the stopped at a stall, Hadi Midas’s stall selling sweet fruits from the Dolor Jungles. The male let the little human go and the female took hold of the little one’s free paw. But the wild thing tugged and cried out, like a prisoner chained to a wall. It wailed and cried out in its native tongue, no doubt begging for release from its mia’s iron laws. The scene reminded Ky’lio of when he saw Kaloway serpent at a traveling exotic zoo. It too thrashed and screeched in its chains the same way the little human was. Then the female leaned down and whispered something to the child, making it go limp in her paws, hanging like a dead thing. The female only snorted and turned back towards her mate, who was speaking with Hadi Midas.

What happened next would always remain burned into Ky’lio’s memory. The little human twisted strangely and suddenly they yanked themselves from their Mia’s grip. It screeched triumphantly and dashed away. The female yelled and ran after it, but it was no use. The little human was fast and determined. As it ran down the street it neared the alleyway next to the Damik stall. Ky’lio felt the fur along his spine stand up. The alleyway was a known ambush site for younglings separated from their parents. A human child would be a great prize.

As the human youngling ran past the alleyway, a giant Oyiadin stepped out and grabbed the skinny, hairless arm. The little human screamed, a sound that had every fear feeling surging through Ky’lio’s body. Others in the street turned and stared, but none dared do anything. Oyiadins had a reputation for smuggling and trafficking, their muscular stature, claws and jaws full of sharp fangs scared away any possible help. It wasn’t the first time Ky’lio witnessed a kidnapping and helplessly watched as the kidnapped youngling’s parents shrieked in despair and fear, never daring to fight such beasts. So they would lose their child.

But these were humans. And humans were known for strange, impossible feats. That fact still did not prepare the young Avalanghar to witness the female human slam into the giant Oyiadin, tackling the muscular biped to the ground. The male human swooped in and snatched the small human, now crying and clinging to its parent. The female stood atop the giant, snarling like a wild fangher. Her lips were pulled back to reveal small, white teeth that were nowhere near as intimidating as the Oyiadin’s, yet the expression was somehow more fearsome. She growled something in her native tongue, standing menacingly over the Oyiadin that hadn’t tried to stand up. It’s ugly face was strangely empty of menace, it’s six eyes wide and staring at the human it easily dwarfed. Yet the female held no fear, spitting and snarling, her body tensed for a fight. But the Oyiadin offered no challenge. She spat something in her language once more, then turned and walked to her mate and youngling.

“That is why you must not provoke humans.” Ky’lio jumped, turning to see his mia behind him and watching everything. She looked down at him. “They are dangerous and unpredictable. Especially when they’re protective.” She looked up to watch the trio of humans pass by. “Never underestimate their willingness to fight for their own.”

~~~~~~

Kids are one thing. Then there are pets. I have personally felt the willingness to kill if anyone threatened my dog or cat. That pack bonding stuff is no joke. No, I don’t care if you hear me call my cat a fat, no-rent-paying bastard, he’s my fat no-rent-paying bastard. And I won’t just die for him. I will kill you and cut you up in pieces and summon satan to dine with me on them for that fat bastard.

~~~~~~

Imagine:

Galar was a puvarra, and deserved xis comeuppance. But the crew never expected for their human crew mate to be the one to do it.

Oakley was a good crew mate and most of the team had high opinions of him. He did his work, turned in reports on time, socialized and was overall very kind. The crew was grateful that the human was one that presented the better side of his species. However some were not fond of humans. Galar, the Yunagi from the helix system 1-4b, was one of this opinion. Xe was unabashedly cruel to many on the crew, and only got away with it because xe often blackmailed xis victims to not report to the captain. It was irritating how xe knew certain things. But xe’d finally gone too far.

Oakley had a pet aboard the ship. The creature humans called a cat, a furry thing on four legs that was a master at contortion. While the crew had been hesitant about the creature at first, hearing stories about Terran animals, many grew to like it. Oakley’s cat was named Jambo, a black and white pattern on its fur and a long, skinny tail. It would rub against their legs or jump upon counters to watch them at work. Sometimes it would doze off near them. Only Oakley and Jabari, Oakley’s partner in work, had been selected as thrones for the creature to doze upon. Many on the crew came to feel honored when the creature would approach them and rub its cheek against an outstretched appendage, a sign Oakley had explained to be affection and a demand for “pets.” Jambo got many pets.

Then one day, as the crew drew together in the dining area for a meal, Galar chose his hill to die on. Jambo had approached the tables, padding towards Oakley, but stopping as some crew began making chirping and clicking sounds, trying to intice Jambo toward them for pets. Then Galar walked by, the blue finned Yunagi’s eyes landing on Jambo. And before any could do anything, xe pulled back a long leg and kicked the black and white cat. Jambo let out a loud screech.

Then Galar was flying back and Oakley was screaming in his native language. He wailed on Galar, his fist connecting every time. At one point he tried to choke xim. Several crew jumped upon them, pulling the human way from the Yunagi, but the damage was done. Purple bruises were already evident upon the Yunagi’s blue-green hide, scratches and crescent shaped marks on xis neck were leaking dark blue blood. Nothing serious, but enough to rattle everyone.

Oakley didn’t bother staying to explain to the captain. He immediately left to find his cat, as did some of the others. Many could care less if Galar was injured, because the stupid puvarra deserved it. They worried for Jambo. The cat was later found and inspected. Luckily for Jambo, he had some light bruising. Very lucky. Oakley even cried, the clear wetness on his face a strange sight for many.

When asked by the captain why he attacked Galar, Oakley point-blank said it was because he kicked Jambo. And anyone who dared hurt his cat was going to get hurt themselves. He said it so casually the captain blinked several times. While humans were known for their protectiveness of packmates, this aggression was unexpected. They went on to scold Oakley and told him that they would have to write this on his personal report for future jobs. Oakley only nodded, still unswayed. The captain sighed and dismissed him. They knew they probably should have done more for such heinous action. But unbeknownst to others, the captain was also fond of Jambo. They were the only other person Jambo chose to nap on.

~~~~~~

This was written really fast, so I apologize if the writing is a little scrunched and there are mistakes. It physically hurt to write about a cat getting kicked, I wanted to vomit. Ugh. I wanted to go off on a tangent about humans taking on giant beasts for their kids because wouldn’t we? I personally don’t like kids, but I admit that I’d fight a bear for that one-year old that smiled at me in a Walmart checkout line, then offered me her animal cracker. I mean, wtf. I’ll save that for the next post tho.

#Xeepzorp

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iceycube · 2 days

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Humans are space Chameleons

I'm back with another humans are space orcs idea.

So ya'll know about how stealth is a big thing on our planet, right? Predators use it to catch prey, prey use it to avoid predators, etc. etc. What if that's exclusively an earth thing?

Like, if death worlds were rare and the need for stealth was less needed or even non-existant it'd be pretty surprising to aliens to find out just how important stealth is and how good humans (and Earth animals in general) are at it.

Smaller humans can curl up into tight spaces to hide. Camouflage is something we're very good at with things like ghillie suits and camo facepaint to make ourselves near invisible.

We're pretty good at staying still and will even cover our mouths to make our breathing quieter. Sometimes we even sneak up on people without meaning to. We've gotten so good at hiding we can even hide in plain sight.

Hell, even a portion of our entertainment contains stealth, we have childrens games like hide and seek that make us better at it and there's even an entire genre of video game dedicated to it. Suffice to say stealth is something we're pretty ok at.

Now imagine a human is put onto an alien ship as a crewmate and as the aliens learn more about humanity they decide to play hide and seek to learn more about us.

They go around and find the other races pretty easily, but they can't find the human.

After 30 minutes they get s bit annoyed

After 1 hour they're a bit worried

After 3 hours they're panicking that they just lost their human friend and begin running around the ship screaming that they give up and begging the human to come out.

The human stands up from behind a pipe or something and ask why the crew couldn't find them. What proceeds is Aliens becoming utterly horrified at our ability to remain concealed so well for so long.

Long story short, they never play hide and seek again.

#Xeepzorp

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iceycube · 2 days

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Humans are weird thing: Hiccups

I don't know if this has been done, but the first time a human gets hiccups when on an alien crew.

It is meal time and suddenly one human who finished eating faster than the others makes a loud sound that has yet to be documented. At first the aliens think that human Mike got suddenly excited and did a strange shout, but that possibility is thwarted when the sound is repeated. Human Mike scowls at the other humans who have started snickering at him.

Perhaps it is an angry noise? Why is Human Mike angry though? He did not show signs of it previously, and nothing has happened between eating and the noise to make him angry. Why must human emotions be so confusing?

"Try drinking water upside-down." Human Dawn suggests randomly, "That's what we always do where I grew up."

"No do NOT drink water upside-down!" An alien crew mate panics. "Doing so could cause you to choke and die!"

"NO!!!" All the aliens who have experience with humans shout at the crew mate who told Human Mike not to do it.

Everyone knows not to tell a human not to do something. It's the first rule in the handbook. They all sigh in resignation at the smirking humans.

Human Mike gets out of his seat, raises his arms, and flips to stand on his hands. Human Dawn who suggested the action is already prepared with her bottle of water. His body wobbles as he hiccups again, and she quickly pours it in his mouth.

There is a tense silence as the entire room watches. A moment later there is another hiccup large enough to send Human Mike tumbling to the floor, cursing loudly at his misfortune. The aliens breathe in relief, a higher up taking the new recruit out of the room for a refresher course on rule number one of dealing with humans.

Throughout the rest of the day, the other humans could be found trying to scare the hiccupping Human Mike with varying degrees of success. The hiccups finally stopped when Human Mike was trying to hold his breath, and Human Josh came up behind him and slammed into his back to scare him. It caused him to choke, yet he seemed grateful to Human Josh anyway.

#Normal breathing and just waiting them out is much better #Hiccups be gone in like 5 minutes #Xeepzorp

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