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rqgnarok · 1 year

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you knew what it was (he is in love)

I don’t want you to be alone, Pepa had said, but she had also hugged him goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and a murmur of say hi to Evan from me.

read in ao3

____

And the longer you’re alone, the easier it is. I don’t want that for you.

Pepa’s words haunt Eddie the whole drive back home. Streetlights paint the inside of his truck golden and the last of Los Angeles’ sunrays are hiding behind the horizon. He tries not to zone out too much- there’s a reason why he prefers Buck to drive them around everywhere, his thoughts get away from him too easily- but the more he thinks about it, the more he hyperfixiates on the entire situation.

Truth be told, he’d felt blindsided about being set up not only because of the whole principle of him being unable to take care of his own personal life, but ever since he got back to therapy and to the 118th, he hadn’t felt alone. The team had family get togethers every few weekends when their schedules allowed it, he got together with Hen and Karen for drinks and gossip, movies with Chim, afternoons with Buck-

And mornings with Buck. And evenings. Entire days, sometimes more than that whenever he stayed over to cook them breakfast in the morning and just- wouldn’t leave.

Not that Eddie minded. Ever since the lightning strike he preferred to keep Buck close, where he could see him and reach for his wrist to feel for a pulse every time Eddie’s brain tried to play tricks on him.

They’re closer than ever before and he likes that. He likes their routine, how intertwined they’ve become. There was a time- a long, achingly endless stream of years- in which Eddie thought they’d never get it right. It was Taylor, and then Ana, and then both and neither. It was the shooting, Maddie and Chim leaving, Eddie’s panic and the distance that kept building between them.

And then it dissipated. Eddie got better and he came back home. Buck almost died and he realized he was worthy of other people’s love, that the lack of it from his parents didn’t really matter to him anymore, now that they were so willing to give it. It’s not that they were too late, but Buck had filled that void inside him created by them with Eddie and Chris and the 118. People who loved him without him having to ask.

He’s good. They both are. Great, even. Their seamlessness at work is stronger than ever, and that harmony doesn’t cut off when it’s time to go home. Eddie follows him back to his place or Buck follows him home and they just- exist in each other’s general vicinity. Buck takes over his kitchen and helps Chris with his homework and falls asleep on the couch sitting up with his mouth open and snores stuck in his throat.

In return, Eddie orders takeout and steals Buck’s chair in front of the TV. He uses his phone as a speaker and puts some music while they drink beers in the balcony as they stare out into LA traffic, he disagrees with Buck regarding some point in their favorite true crime podcast so he can watch him flush with offense and rant for hours about something he believes in. Eddie just stares, feeling almost overwhelmed by the fondness, and watches his best friend rage from the other side of the counter.

He’s not alone. His life has never been fuller of people who know and love him like he is. Eddie’s so greedy with it, trying to swallow the experience whole whenever he’s with them that he forgets sometimes- he gets to have this. He’ll see them again, this isn’t a one time thing. There’s no clock ticking, not another shoe waiting to drop. He gets to keep his life.

Which is why Pepa’s words bothered him so much. He’s not actually mad at her- annoyed, maybe- Eddie knows she did it because she loves him and wants him to be happy- but Eddie already is. He is happy, and the sudden implication that he’s not, that he needs to fill his free time going on not so casual dates-

It had put a dent in Buck’s smile, momentary and gone in a blink, but Eddie had caught it. He’d told him about it while they were on their way to work, and Eddie had watched his hands tighten on the wheel, his jaw clenching before he forced himself to loosen up.

He’d joked around during breakfast and grinned at Hen and Chim in all the right places, but Eddie had carried that image of tension all through the day and into the date. He’d barely realized she was planning on letting him down easy because he’d been too busy wondering what he’d do about Buck when he came back from dinner.

Buck, who’d been waiting for him at home, asleep on his couch after helping Chris to bed. Buck, who seemed to lose all traces of sleep when he asked Eddie how the date had gone even if he’d already told him there wasn’t gonna be a second one. Buck, who melted back into the plush blue cover when Eddie assured him of this and grinned at him, asking him to hand him a beer.

Buck, who’s at Eddie’s place right now, even if Chris is still at school and Eddie isn’t there. Buck, who has been using his key with the freedom Eddie had spent years trying to convince him is more than well deserved.

Buck, who Eddie’s coming home to.

I don’t want you to be alone, Pepa had said, but she had also hugged him goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and a murmur of say hi to Evan from me.

Eddie curses to himself as he nearly misses his exit. Fuck, did Pepa know? Has Eddie been so obvious about his feelings that everyone has him all figured out? He’d told the team that first dates usually felt like a performance to him, and even though Hen had tried to reassure him that most new relationships actually were, Eddie saw the look she shared with Chim and Buck. Eddie knows the breakthroughs he’s had about Buck in therapy aren’t exactly platonic- he didn’t need Frank’s direction to know that I want to build a life with him wasn’t something you said about your best friend.

Still, he’d been handling it. Or so he’d thought, he babbled and stammered his way through an explanation of why he didn’t want Pepa to set him up. He couldn’t say I have plans with Buck because it would open the door on a conversation he wasn’t ready for. The same one people have been having with him ever since they met, along the way of one day one will chose to have a relationship and what will you do then? What happens when one of you leaves and it all falls apart?

But Buck had promised. And so had he, in different ways and at different times, so Eddie can’t really give a shit about what other people think. They don’t understand, they don’t get how they work, how tightly intertwined their lives so easily became. How willing Eddie is, everyday and one day at a time, to let go of the control he’s so terrified of losing and giving it to him. How easy it was to sign his name on the documents that gave Buck the chance to be a part of their family.

Sometimes he thinks Buck doesn’t either. He made the mistake of not speaking about many things right after getting shot and this apparently had given Buck the idea that him getting Christopher was a back up plan. A break-the-glass-in-case-of-emergency situation, something that would only happen in the worst of scenarios in which Eddie didn’t get to come home to see Chris finally get the other parent he deserved.

It’s not, Eddie mutters to himself as he finally makes it into his driveway, breathing out in relief and taking the keys out of the ignition. Buck has never been in any way his back up, the man proved himself to be worth so much more than that almost as soon as they met.

There’s nothing marginal about Buck. Along with Christopher, placing him at the epicenter of Eddie’s life was the most seamless thing that’s ever happened. He didn’t even realize it had until he was bleeding out on a random Los Angeles street, reaching towards his best friend until his sight went blurry and the pain overpowered his every sense.

God, Eddie thinks, unlocking the door and taking off his shoes and jacket as soon as he closes it behind him, hanging the keys in their rightful place. He’s gonna have to tell him soon, he’s driving around LA fully dissasociated from his surroundings because he’s too busy thinking about how nice it’d be to kiss the best friend that he loves like no one else, only second to his son.

“Hey,” hablando del rey de Roma, Eddie thinks as he’s met with Buck’s head popping out from the kitchen. “You’re back early.”

“Pepa sent me home with my tail between my legs,” Eddie replies, going into the kitchen and dropping himself on the table defeatedly. The entire house smells like freshly made frijoles and his stomach grumbles despite having just eaten. He feels like a cartoon character that’s dazedly floated into the kitchen by the smell of something nice cooking in the background.

“She figured it out then?”

“Apparently I’m not a very good liar,” Eddie grumbles.

“I could’ve told you that, I caught every single tell of yours at the poker game last week,” Buck points a wooden spoon at him as he goes to search into the fridge and serve him a glass of water. “That means she didn’t give you any leftovers from breakfast?”

“That’s cause you know me too well,” Eddie holds the glass tenderly in two hands, like it’s a precious gift Buck had handed him instead of a drink from his own fridge. “And we ate out. She says hi, by the way.”

“Oh,” Buck’s grin is soft and pleased, a flush high on his cheeks from being thought about despite not being in the room. If he only knew how much time Eddie spent thinking about him, there’d be a permanent pink stain on his face. “That’s nice. I’ll text her sometime. I still wanted to ask her if she managed to get that hibiscus stain off the tablecloth.”

“You know she doesn’t blame you for that, right?” Eddie wonders with a raised brow. “It’s not your fault you’re not in control of your limbs yet. You’re still going through puberty.”

“Ha, ha,” Buck deadpans with an eye roll that fills Eddie with giddiness. The sip of cold water he takes does nothing to relieve the warmth of his insides. “I’m serious. I offered to buy her a new one but she said no. I just hope it’s not some precious family heirloom that I ruined and accidentally cursed your family.”

“No such thing,” Eddie says innocently, making cow eyes at him. “What would the Gods do in retaliation, hit you with lightning?”

“You’re such an asshole,” Buck throws a bean at him from absolute nowhere. It lands square on his forehead and Eddie only pops it into his mouth happily. “See if I ever heat up the frijoles for you ever again.”

“Your pronunciation is horrendous,” Eddie’s response is automatic, but he can’t hide the fact that he’s a little charmed. “Smells good though. You’re really getting the hang of it.”

“Yeah?” Buck wonders in earnest honesty, expression lighting up. Eddie doesn’t draw back his chair to stand up and kiss him, but it’s a close thing. “I thought about making them with salsa, but I figured Chris should try them fist and add it himself if he wants.”

“That’s wise,” Eddie knows, feeling high on something that keeps him opening his mouth and giving out compliments like they’re free. Anything to keep Buck happy and flushed, apparently. “Other than you, he’s the worst at figuring out how much spice he can handle.”

“You love us,” Buck says proudly, and Eddie can’t do anything else other than smile at him indulgently. Bastard doesn’t know how right he is. “So, was it that bad with Pepa that you don’t want to talk about it, or?”

“I didn’t say that,” Eddie takes another sip, emptying the glas.. “But she was onto me from the beginning. I kinda felt bad, considering she’s trying to help me in a way. A very tía, conservative way of you need to be married to be happy, but it comes from the right place, I guess.”

“Should I schedule myself for more babysitting, then?” Buck asks, and Eddie doesn’t miss how he grows a little tense, just like that day in the car and the night after the goddamned date.

Eddie isn’t sure what it means, but he hopes. Christ almighty, does he hope. It’s the very same hope that has him opening his mouth and saying the stupidest thing he can come up with.

“Nah,” he says, casual, as if he hasn’t been hit with the epiphany of his feelings for Buck at least twelve times in the past two years. “Next date I have you’ll be coming with me.”

Buck blinks at him. Eddie drinks happily from his glass.

“Um,” Buck says when his brain has finished resetting. He frowns. “You mean- like a double date? Because, I, um, I mean I’m flattered Pepa wants to- but I’m not really looking right now-”

“Not even if your date’s handsome, fluent in Spanish, and has an adorable soon to be teenage son?” Eddie raises a brow like his heart isn’t about to beat out of his chest. He feels anxiety churning at the bottom of his stomach, but it’s not panic. It’s not catastrophe waiting for him at the next turn, but rather the possibility of something good. Something better. “He’s a little bit of a work in progress but he’ll want to make it work with you. You’re not worth anything less.”

“Eddie,” Buck says, a little devastated. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying,” Eddie stands up and walks to him, takes the wooden spoon he was stirring the frijoles with from his hand and leaves it on the counter, tilts his head down to search for Buck’s eyes and stares at them, all bright blue and unshed emotions Eddie knows are reflected in his own. “That this whole thing with Pepa knocked some sense into me and made me realize that I don’t need to go on more dates with other people. I’ve already got the one I want. Even if he looks ridiculous in an apron and is as blind about the whole thing as I am.”

“What’s the thing?” Buck murmurs, shoulders tight and jaw locked as he stares ardently at Eddie, like he’s trying to keep himself at bay until he can confirm the type of conversation they’re having.

“I love you,” Eddie shrugs, his lips tilting upwards involuntarily when Buck’s breath catches in surprise. “I’ve loved you. Even when I didn’t put a name to it, I loved you. When we were seeing other people and when I swung a bat to everything I own and when I tried to reach for you in the middle of a storm and your heart stopped beating.”

“For three minutes and seventeen seconds,” Buck recites quietly, looking all over Eddie’s face like he’s a wonder he can’t figure out.

“The longest of my life,” Eddie confirms. He wants to touch him so, so badly, doesn’t feel like he’s getting his point across unless he reaches and holds Buck’s face in his hands, soothes over his cheeks and presses his mouth to his birthmark and the corner of his mouth before- “I don’t wanna waste more time, Buck. I don’t want to be set up or have you drive home at the end of the day or pretend that what I feel is anything other than-”

“Eddie,” Buck says, placing his hands on Eddie’s chest like he’s trying to prove he’s real. His grin is wide and his eyes are wet. “Kiss me.”

Something in Eddie’s chest stutters and flips. “Yeah?”

“I love you,” Buck tells him, sliding his hold from Eddie’s chest slowly up his neck until he’s cradling his face, as if expecting to be denied at any second. Eddie shivers, takes a step closer without even realizing it. Buck’s breath is warm against his mouth. “I didn’t think- if this is all I had then I’d take it, of course I would, but you and Chris, you’re-”

He leans in for a kiss, firm and close mouthed, over sooner than Eddie would like. He didn’t even get a chance to touch him back. “You’re my life, both of you. You know that, right, you gotta know.”

“Sweetheart,” Eddie tries, feels something inside him soften when Buck makes a little sound at the back of his throat, helpless. “Come here.”

Eddie reaches first this time, slotting their mouths together and letting his hands fall to grip Buck’s hips, leaning them both back against the counter. Buck runs his fingers through Eddie’s hair, opening his mouth and swallowing Eddie’s noise of contentment.

When they part to heaving breaths moments later, Eddie noses at his cheek, voice warm and molten. “Is that a yes to the date?”

“As many as you’d like,” Buck assures, sounding a little emotional. Eddie lets it pass for now, knows that this moment has been years in the making and he can check in on his partner later when the high has rushed off. If it ever does. “I’m sorry I wasn’t ready before.”

“I wasn’t either,” Buck soothes his hurt with a slow hand up and down Eddie’s back. Eddie nestles close against him, tucking his nose against his neck. “I don’t think- I don’t think I would’ve believed you, if you’d told me before. So it’s. It’s good now.”

“Yeah?” Eddie wonders.

“Yeah,” Buck assures, no trace of doubt in his voice. “We’re gonna have to send Pepa a gift basket or something, aren’t we?”

“I think letting her say te lo dije will suffice,” Eddie doesn’t look forward to it, but Buck’s laughing and untangling Eddie’s octopus like grip to find his mouth and kiss him again. Eddie melts into it and thinks yeah. Yeah, maybe he can bear a billion ‘I told you so’s for the rest of his life as long as he gets to be in Buck’s arms for it.

____

hablando del rey de roma / speak of the devil

te lo dije / i told you so

#buddie fic #911 fic #buddieedit #buck x eddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #s06e14 #performance anxiety

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