#My Ex Wants Me Back Reddit All Time Best Useful Ideas
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Okay, so I just watched a Miles Luna cameo video talking about the chant Pyrrha does to unlock Jaune's aura, link here to the reddit post of it. And it's a very interesting video for a number of reasons. Please note that while talking about this, I wanna be aware that my interpretations of what he's saying may not be definitively true. Miles Luna is someone I don't know and I'm unable to ask for clarification on anything he says. I'm simply talking about what this video made me think and how it came across, not trying to say like "this thing he said definitely means blah blah blah." This was just very interesting and I wanted to talk about what I found interesting and what I got out of it.
So he was answering the question "what's the deal with Pyrrha's aura unlocking chant thing in volume one? Was it like a standarized thing, or was the mantra unique to a person's beliefs?"
I'm going to be putting things that Miles said in indented and then talk about the things I think are worth talking about.
"I've always been in the camp that it's the latter, that that's like a Pyrrha Nikos thing."
So this'll happen again, but it's just interesting that Miles' answer comes in the form of 'this is how I saw it' rather than 'this is how we saw it,' which makes it seem like there wasn't an agreed upon conclusion or even an agreed on supposition on what this moment even was.
"The story behind that is a wild one, it takes us back to volume one. Back when me, Monty, and Kerry were... Learning how to tell stories." *Laughs* "Stories that lasted more than like - you know - five minutes, and build worlds and stuff. And back then, you know, so much stuff was rough around the edges. And it was a lot of experimentation, and just trying things, and having to just like, throw ideas out there and commit to them because we just had to work really quickly and..."
Miles talking about how rushed they were, how they didn't know how to tell a real story yet and were just 'throwing out ideas and committing to them' is just... To me, it really seems like it indicates what I already thought, that things weren't 'planned from the beginning' because they were just writing, and writing on a deadline, so they were putting things into the story without fully thinking them through and committing to them because it was all they could do.
"I remember we were trying to establish, you know, we need to teach the audience how aura works. First off-" *Laughing* "I don't think we did a super good job with that. The same with semblances, and a bunch of things."
It's so funny to me that if rwde posters and rwby critics said something along those lines, like 'they weren't good at telling us how aura worked' or 'they really just didn't establish a lot of things very well,' many anti-rwde posters would just hate us. XD And this is what I mean when I talk about how overly defensive some people in the fandom are, because one of the main writers and creators can look back and laugh about the ways they went wrong in the early volumes and recognize that they weren't the best at storytelling, and meanwhile there are fans that would be like 'ummm why do you need your handheld? Obviously aura works like *insert headcanon here* and you should've gotten that through the brilliant scene, you fucking idiot." Like, it's so much easier for me to fondly smile and shake my head at the sort of charming follies of early-RWBY. Random tangent, but it reminds me of watching a movie with my ex-boyfriend where he got angry that I said a character who was getting in a physical fight was aggressive and he rewound the movie several times and made me watch the character start a physical fight repeatedly to 'prove to me' that the character wasn't being aggressive, and I was just sitting there thinking 'I would like this movie a lot more if you weren't so defensive over it.' But anyway, back to the video.
"But I remember we were like 'okay, well Jaune's kind of our like - our big dummy who needs to be taught everything so the audience can learn a lot through Jaune. So Jaune doesn't - It makes sense that Jaune doesn't have an aura, and maybe he like um, unlocks it at some point like during the - the Emerald Forest trials, but like how?' And we were trying to figure stuff out, and Monty goes like-" *Shrugs* "'What if we just have Pyrrha unlock it for him?' And we were like 'how would that work?' And he was like 'I don't know, man, Pyrrha's supposed to be the best. Maybe she's really in tune with her aura. And so like, you know, maybe if like, people are really in tune with themselves and - and in sync with their aura, they can give people with more potential - they can just give them a little nudge.' And we went 'yeah, sure! Why not?'"
So if you applied the ideas of the two criteria here to world building, you have 'People who are really in tune with themselves and in sync with their aura can unlock other auras' and 'People who have potential can get their auras unlocked.' Which means potentially characters who are shown to be confident, self-assured and who know who and what they are - like Glynda, Robin, Maria, maybe WBY now that they had their 'I am a Huntress' moments - could hypothetically have this power if it hadn't been dropped. And who has potential is a bit trickier, but civilians who can or want to fight, maybe? So, would Whitley count as being able to unlock an aura? See, the interesting thing is that I wouldn't consider Pyrrha to be particularly self-assured emotionally. Physically, yes, but emotionally I think she suffers from some insecurities that might give her blind spots. So maybe unlocking aura requires someone to be physically in tune with their body.
"I remember Monty wanted to write uh, Pyrrha's monologue and - and it's so Monty. Um, but it's one of the few things where he was like 'Hey, can I take a stab at that? I think it would be fun.' And he did, and I think it's really great."
Him saying 'one of the few things' is also interesting to me. But I do tend to have the opinion that from what I've heard, Monty would have ideas and Kerry and Miles are the ones that did most of the writing and like, turning the ideas into a firm thing. That's just the vibes I've gotten from the way that they've talked, and this just kind of makes me think that more.
"And it's very - It comes across as very, like, mystical. And like, ooh, exciting, mysterious. Because that was - that was kind of what we wanted the vibe to be about like aura. Like it's this spiritual thing that like, we understand how we can kind of use it um, practically, in combat. But like, emotionally and spiritually, there's so much more depth there. It has room to grow, there's things about it we don't understand. And um, we felt that what Monty wrote kind of encapsulated that sort of mysterious, spiritual um, like, side of it. And also for Pyrrha too. Like it made her seem like she was just levels upon levels higher than where Jaune was at the time. And we also felt - I mean I definitely feel as though, that it's something that like, she likes to think about and something that she says to herself to give her courage. Because if she's gonna fall in battle, then so be it. But she believes that her spirit - that there's a part of her that will live on, long after her body falls, and will go to some other plane on some grand adventure."
A part of me wishes that this had been so much more explained, but also I feel like the spiritual part of things isn't something that I want heavy emphasis in when it comes to the characters that seem to disregard their lives a bit, if that makes sense? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not one of the people who think that Pyrrha going to fight Cinder is some indication of fault with her or Ozpin or something, I think it's perfectly logical that she went up to fight Cinder. I just also think that adding in that Pyrrha thinks 'if she falls then so be it,' before having her actually die. RWBY has a very dicey at best track record when it comes to suicide (Penny, Ruby in V8) and I think adding in these elements for Pyrrha would just have made it even worse.
"And I think that gives her the courage to... Be Pyrrha Nikos, out on the battlefield, fighting for the lives of others. That's kind of always been my take on it. But yeah, the short behind the scenes answer is um, Monty thought it would be a cool thing to do. Um, that was the answer to a lot of things from back then."
More 'not everything was well planned' indications here.
"Um, and I - and I like it a lot too, because we were really trying to explain to the audience that the creatures of Grimm don't have souls. There should be no moral quandaries about slaughtering hordes and hordes of these scary looking creatures."
Okay, so... I'm going to get into some controversial stuff here, because if they wanted to ensure that there were no moral quandaries about fighting the Grimm in the early seasons, why were they comfortable having the White Fang being such prominent enemies who Team RWBY would throw off of train cars that were blowing up in a tunnel soon to be overrun by Grimm? To me, if I was concerned that people would take issue with the main protagonist mowing down animal-like creatures that acted mindless and therefore had to establish that they don't have souls, I would be five times more concerned with making sure my main protagonist wasn't just tossing aside talking sentient humans especially if I had made them part of an in-universe marginalized minority group. Just a thought.
"And then, you know, on the opposite side of that, if the things that all of our protagonists fight are soulless, then we should make something that makes huntsman and huntresses really strong, it's the fact that they do have a soul that can manifest itself in ways that can protect the user - like the body of the person. Uh - uh, it's just something that, I don't know. It's like warm, fuzzy like faith and belief. And just, it felt like the nice counterbalance to the like, hollow, cold, violent Grimm."
What's interesting to me about this statement is that they wanted Huntsman and Huntresses specifically to counterbalance the Grimm by having proof of their humanity in their souls being so blatantly represented. If it were me, I would have humanity in general separated from the Grimm through their souls. But it's almost like the only people they care about and the only people they want the audience to care about are the hunters and huntresses, and not the civilian figures and random people just living their lives. I think that does sort of come across in the writing with things like Cinder killing people on the bridge in volume eight and knocking them down but then later on Yang saying in volume nine that they saved everyone, and Weiss throwing the guards into the ocean never to be seen again, and no one really bringing up or caring about how Mistral is pretty much defenseless, and so on and so forth. I think this also comes across in the fandom, where I've seen people talk about 'why would we care about the NPCs' and things like that. This just makes it seem to me that the writers don't really care about civilians.
"So yeah, that's kind of my all over the place answer, I hope you like it. Because that's how I always felt about it. We kind of just rolled with it back then, because we had to, because we had to work so fast, with so many constraints working against us."
The fact that even the main writers and creators seemed to be on time crunches where they couldn't take the time to really figure things out speaks volumes I think about how Rooster Teeth does business. Also, more little reasons here to not believe everything was planned from the beginning. Miles Luna says they just rolled with things not even because they wanted to but because they had to, because they didn't have time to put more thought into what they'd do before they did it.
"And we were super inexperienced. Um, if I were to do it all again, I would wanna - I would wanna dig into that more. I think there's some cool, untapped potential there. And in a million other places in the show."
This is so true that there is so much untapped potential in RWBY. But I just think it's really funny that once again, this is something rwde posters and rwby critics would get blasted for saying. XD Like I remember one time posting like 'there's so much I would change and explore more in RWBY if I could reboot it' and someone in the comment section was like 'I bet your writing sucks, idk why you think you could improve anything about RWBY.' If I said RWBY was full of untapped potential and I wish it was dug into more, I might get accused of being a know-nothing idiot or an obnoxious entitled brat, lol. XD
"Um, but, you know, those rough edges and that sort of like - amateur is too strong a word - but the - the over ambition of RWBY, I think has always been one of its greatest strengths and also greatest weaknesses."
For once, I completely agree with Miles Luna. One reason why RWBY is something I keep coming back to is that there's just so much there to work with, so much that could be really good. But it's also one of the biggest flaws of RWBY that it always packs so much in that it just doesn't seem to have any interest in properly exploring or following through on, and I do think it would be a much better written show if the writers would just stop and take a breath and scale back and edit to what they can handle. It's like filling your fridge with a ton of perishable food in the hopes of cooking amazing meals, but then not taking the time to ever really cook or do anything good with the ingredients and then throwing together a hodgepodge sandwich before (or even after) things start spoiling in the fridge. It's great for creativity and it makes me want to actually cook something good with all those ingredients, but you still think they shouldn't have been that ambitious and you're like 'next time you go shopping just buy stuff for a regular old sandwich because apparently you can't handle it, and this sandwich has moldy cheese, too many vegetables, balsamic vinegar, mustard seeds, uncooked lobster, and a twinkie. What were you thinking?' Anyway, long spiel short, RWBY has great potential, endless heaps of good ideas that are inspiring and that's one of the best things about the show! But it's also way too ambitious and it leaves the show in a mess. I don't even have a good solution that would keep the scope of the show and how it gets the creative juices flowing without being too much for the writers who can't seem to do any real depth or follow through, I'm just talking. XD
"Uh, but it has a lot of charm, and we had a lot of heart back then. And i'm glad that people still think about volume one to this day. It's just cool."
It's interesting to me that Miles Luna says 'we had a lot of heart back then.' Now again, I'm not trying to say 'Miles Luna definitely meant that they don't have heart now,' because I don't know him and I don't know what he meant, but just the nostalgia in his tone and the way he talked, it made me think about how RWBY used to feel like this loved thing that people really wanted to do, whereas now sometimes RWBY feels like the thing that people don't want to do that they're just plugging away at, and like skipping past loads of exposition and having their characters act exasperated and tired out by everything. I've gotten to that state where I was really excited about writing something, and then when I got out of the mood to write it and was just forcing myself too, it would leak into skipping over important things and just writing the characters to go through the motions in like vague annoyance because I was vaguely annoyed. It's a sign that I need to grow as a writer, but it also makes me go 'do I really want to even be writing this, does this even spark joy' and sometimes the answer is no. And it just kind of feels like sometimes that's what RWBY is now, a project people don't want to do anymore that no longer sparks that same joy that it used to.
But on a better, lighter note, I'm glad too that people are still thinking about volume one, because it often feels like the RWBY fandom on the general whole just doesn't even like the early volumes and wants to forget them, or even forget seasons 4-6 sometimes. Some people will act like the only thing that matters is the present, and looking at the setup or the early established things is just stupid when it's like... No, that's the whole thing that RWBY was built on. Volumes 7-9 alone don't tell a complete story. It's a hodgepodge sandwich full of a bunch of mismatched stuff maybe, but I really feel like the people that eat the whole thing and might complain about the bad parts actually like the sandwich way more than the people who take the top piece of bread and then tell you that all that other stuff doesn't matter anymore. XD But yeah, that's just the things that I was thinking about when I saw that cameo video.
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Spending 2 much time making posts for r/aita roleplay.
Jason chimes in
I (23 M) am at odds with my dad (46 M) and my brothers told me I should consult reddit so here I am.
I got very badly injured when I was 15 years old and my dad thought I was dead for a while. I got some help from one of his exes anyway that parts not really important. I thought my dad cared about me, I mean if something bad happened to him I would kill every single person involved in it you have no idea. Like they would all be dead. Anyway so after hanging out for a few years and finishing school, I went back to where my dad lives and tried to establish myself as a presence. Me and my dad used to be in the same line of work, it's semi-illegal so I can't get into a ton of detail but soemteimes people got hurt. I improved everything my dad ever did except I had to change the work so that many times people died instead of sometimes they get hurt and he got mad at me and we got in a fight. He's got all this stuff like “it's wrong to kill people” “this is insane who are you judge jury and executioner” and i'm like dude couldn't even kill ONE guy for me (sure my brother SAID he tried to kill the guy who hurt me but got stopped by his insanely strong best friend but I'm sure if he really wanted he could have killed the guy who hurt me no problem).
Anyway my dad wants to put me in jail because i'm “a danger to myself and others” and because I “Hurt my younger brother multiple times” and the aforementioned killing thing or whatever. I think this is insane and it's his fatherly duty to accept me as I am. AITA?
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Who, Where, Why?
I forget what my last words typed here were. Not gonna look. I just had a thought- why post what I find interesting about bands/artists and their lyrics, their donde estas- on facebook? Nobody in my friend list- mainly relatives because I deleted everyone my ex-sociopath boyfriend told me to- wants to read about these things. I should just blog about music and never write another line about anything on facebook.
While I'm here- there's something related to "living in the ghetto". Well, I came across the word. It seems that someone has tried to insult an intelligent, beautiful, professional, classy woman in Congress. I don't know if Ms. Crockett was born into poverty and clawed/climbed her way out or what. I am grateful that I wasn't born into poverty and have no idea what that experience would be like since I haven't lived it. All I can say is that I empathize with those struggling to rise above, cheer for those that do and feel confused as to why a person from a higher socio-economic background would spend their time casting stones at someone who rose above- someone who's words resonate with me- remind me that my glasses are, indeed, the right prescription as I try to keep my balance while navigating through my own little world, putting out fires big and small. Honestly, I wish I had not looked at this mess written on reddit and, instead, focused on my nauseating to-do list. SIDE NOTE- Mom On the Spectrum (also ADHD- on youtube.com) shared something that might be the best thing I've heard about all year. goblin.tools. Your to-do list- each task is broken down into steps for you. There's even this feature that compiles all of your 'brain dump' into a list of tasks! 'Judge' helps you read the tone of someone's message to you if you're not quite sure what to think about it. And it can help you think of a more tactful way to say something to someone. AND it can estimate how long any given task will take you to complete! Back to the beginning. Well, I think that person casting stones is doing so out of insecurity and not having any sense of self. SIDE NOTE- I have been struggling with talking out loud at home, alone, for a year and a half now. It's a compulsion, meaning I can't stop it even though I want to. I waste hours every day giving lectures, interviews, reenacting conversations- what I wanted to say, how I wanted to sound, all the points I wanted to make. Putting away some groceries takes 2 hours. I don't think it is OCD like my psych nurse practitioner said. I agree with the OCD personality disorder diagnosis I received 10 years ago though. I was going through a disorganized psych folder of mine the other day and came across a piece of paper with, "Dr. Clark" written at the top. At the very bottom is this: "Insecurity: loneliness and insecurity sometimes cause people to talk incessantly." But it doesn't say that it's all done out loud while alone like my situation. Regardless, I am definitely insecure. I was learning about all the different kinds of insecurity one can have the other day and it seemed that I had three types. All of it stemming from childhood trauma and abuse and all. So one shouldn't be ashamed about it. Should I waste time trying to put myself in the shoes of the stone thrower? No. I'm exhausted. Anyway, I digested some social media content along with all of the song lyrics I studied for the past week. The word 'ghetto' is used here. The post I read started with,
"Republicans don’t use racial slurs and stereotypes challenge GOP" from Reddit.
"With the disgusting remarks the left makes about Lauren [sic] Boobert, why shouldn't we be a little rough on ghetto Jasmine Crockett? Rep Crockett made an ass of herself during the #impeachmentinquiry hearing today...the woman has no class. I like Byron Donalds...he is a free-thinking black man with a brain. ""Cock-it"" is just a washed-up welfare queen who somehow made it to Congress." So, when you dislike someone for speaking truth backed up by facts, you lash out like a spoiled insecure child-bully because it makes you feel uncomfortable? You type out your lazy commentary- take jabs at someone superior in intellect and logic (just a hunch), knowing the majority of ignorant constituents wrapped around your cronies' fingers won't bother to look up the facts. This person and his/her cronies project a lot. (I think this is part of what's going on here. Not sure. I'm tired.) Repeatedly. Like, when will they stop?! Never. No shame because it would hurt their game. And they are in it to win it-no going back now! Having to admit defeat? No thanks. Let's just run with the ball and see how far we can go while ignoring the referees! When someone calls you something that they are, it is called psychological projection or projection bias. This is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people . (I'm not sure this is applicable here- I thought I was going somewhere with this.) Well, I think people like the one who spouted the hate about Ms. Crockett here are the ones making asses out of themselves. My mom does this. She- probably a narcissist- calls me one. SIDE NOTE: You can benefit from CBT if people do this to you- project- and you start to question yourself- start gaslighting yourself. It's crazy how that can start to happen. Second guessing yourself. Gaslighting- a subtle form of emotional manipulation that often results in the recipient doubting their perception of reality and their sanity. I guess I was saying that Ms. Crockett's words help protect me from gaslighting myself whenever I hear members of Congress squabbling about this and that. The stone thrower wants people to doubt themselves and their ability to think and reason. Doubt their intuition. Their gut feeling. This reminds me of my dad. He doesn't call to ask how I'm doing. He seems like a bully to me-one who is flat out bored sometimes. He calls to push my buttons because he's insecure. I never bring up politics but he usually, gleefully, sneaks something into a phone call for no reason. I don't share my opinion much because his loud, bellowing voice triggers my fight or flight response. If I didn't have these anxiety disorders and whatnot, he'd never speak to me about politics. Why do bullies pick fights with the meek? Insecurity. (again) I think most people know this in this day and age. But I still think that it is really sick and worth repeating that it is really sick. SIDE NOTE: I hope we can all express our own opinions without bighting each others' heads off one day. Wouldn't it be nice? (Beach Boys song popped into my head. I think it played at the end of a documentary I saw long ago.)
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The Chances We Take
Author: @jhsgf82
Prompt: Hi there! Hope you could still accept my birthday prompt for Nov. 25. Since it falls on thanksgiving day, maybe you could do something around it? I want to read on everlark thanksgiving with blended family maybe both are single parents or one of them is (really, I’m not picky). Rated T/M Thank you so much! 🧡 Love your blog!! [submitted by @imsoeverlarked]
Rating: T
Summary: Single father Peeta Mellark heads to a bookstore to learn more about camping and the outdoors, in order to please and impress his son. There, he meets a beautiful woman with a past of her own who helps him make some selections, and he falls swiftly for her. Will he have the courage to act on his new feelings, despite his past heartache? Will he get a second chance at love?
Author’s Note: Happy Birthday, @imsoeverlarked! Special thanks to @evestedic for brainstorming this with me and giving me some great ideas as well as to the poor guy on Reddit who was an inspiration for this story. He ended up pretty happy, it seems. Disclaimer: No Delly or Gale hate meant here; it is what it is, needed to use some characters for my purposes, and they fit. And well, people are only human, right? I hope you enjoy!
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Benjamin Cartwright-Mellark, my seven-year-old son, has recently gotten into camping and the outdoors, so I’m headed to the corner bookshop on my lunch break from the bakery to read up on the subject, in hopes I can muddle my way through a camping trip without either of us getting lost, maimed, or eaten by a bear.
I love my son with all my heart, and I’d do just about anything for him‒stand up for him, fight off a pack of rabid mutts, and yes, even go camping.
Ours isn’t a fairy tale life, but it’s a good one. And Ben and I are very much a family, even though ours is a small unit‒it’s just the two of us.
Well, my son’s mother, Delly, is in the picture, but we’re divorced. We share joint custody of Ben, and even though she annoys the crap out of me at times, we have an amicable relationship.
We’ve come a long way…
Delly Cartwright was my childhood best friend and high school sweetheart (the last two years). We were quick to marry, married young, right after high school at age 19. Maybe that was part of the problem. We apparently weren’t as compatible as I thought and struggled through the first two years of our marriage. Perhaps that’s why she started talking to Thom, her ex, again, even though he’d been emotionally abusive to her, always criticizing her for being overweight and talking too much, and had cheated on her with a girl named Bristel.
As far as her weight, Delly wasn’t heavy, just full-figured, which I never minded. She was beautiful to me, and I definitely appreciated her hourglass curves.
About two and a half years into our marriage, Thom got back in touch with Delly. She told me about it initially, and I assured her I wasn’t trying to control her or tell her what to do, but I warned her about associating with him. I didn’t trust the guy; I didn’t want him to cause her any more pain. Well, Delly had recently lost a decent amount of weight, and although I hadn’t thought it necessary for her to do so, I made sure to pay her a lot of attention and praise her for the achievement. She did look fantastic. Of course, right around that time, I noticed her acting strangely, being more secretive. Come to find out, she’d been talking to Thom behind my back for weeks. At first I was upset, even a little angry, but I stayed calm and let her explain. She insisted that they were just friends, and I believed her. She also told me that Thom said he’d sought help and was only trying to apologize and make amends for how he’d treated her in the past.
Well, of course, my antennae went up about that, especially since I knew Delly had recently posted pictures of her weight loss journey on social media. I worried Thom was trying to get Delly back, now that she was presumably a size he could tolerate, or at least sweet talk her into an affair, and well…I ended up being right.
It broke my heart when Delly cheated on me. I just couldn’t believe it. I knew people made mistakes, but I just couldn’t believe my sweet childhood friend/wife would ever hurt me that way. She apologized profusely, promised me it would never happen again, and adamantly told me how much she loved me and wanted to make this work.
But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t look at her the same way after that.
After being betrayed, at first, I was a little crazed; it hijacked my mind a bit‒at least the worst thing I ever said to her was to ask her how she could possibly cheat on me when she knew how shitty it felt. I didn’t hate Delly, though, as much as I might have wanted to; however, I simply couldn’t be in a relationship with her anymore.
It was only a little over a month later that I found out Delly was pregnant. Delly didn’t fight me over having a DNA test done, to be sure. The paternity test revealed that it was mine.
We talked it out, decided to keep the baby, and although I still refused to get back together, I put the divorce on hold. I promised Delly I’d stay by her side, support her fully during the pregnancy and the birth, and that I’d try to be friends again. And of course, I was going to be in my-our child’s life for the rest of my days.
Benjamin Basil Cartwright-Mellark was the single most exquisite sight I’d ever seen in my life, and the moment I laid eyes on that blond mop coming out of his mother, tears came streaming down my cheeks, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would die for him.
No, I wouldn’t change having my precious son for anything in the world, though it wasn’t the ideal path to take.
—–
I push through the door, and a little bell jingles as I set foot, for the first time, in Tesserae Books. I look around. The place is charming and quaint, small but with a good selection as far as I can tell. Hopefully, they’ll have something to help me.
There’s a young woman with dark, spiky hair seated behind the front counter on her phone. She glances up, and I say hello, but she doesn’t greet me back.
Thus, I figure I’m on my own. I mosey through the aisles, scanning the category titles, which look to be written in black sharpie on pieces of masking tape, until I come across the Non-Fiction section and within it, I locate the genre: Nature. Okay, that sounds right. I notice there are several sub-genres of Nature, including Outdoor Skills, Adventure Sports, and Guide Books. Seems I was right about them having a wide selection for a small bookstore; in fact, I’m a bit overwhelmed by my choices.
I look up and over toward the counter, opening my mouth in a silent, plaintive cry for help, though the employee pays me no mind. So, I begin scanning the titles, occasionally glancing up or meandering back and forth through the section. The shop girl doesn’t bother to come over and ask me if I need help, though she does look up from her phone now and then, eyeing me warily as if she thinks I’m a shoplifter plotting a heist. Sure, my whole purpose in coming here was to see how many thick, dusty books I could shove under my shirt and escape with.
While I’m perusing the selection, I hear the door bell jingle again, but I don’t pay any attention to whoever it was who entered. Instead, I pluck a particularly thick guide book off one of the shelves and after a glance at the title, turn it open to somewhere in the middle and start looking at the pictures.
I feel a presence approaching me, though I don’t look up.
“Excuse the interruption,” a quiet, melodic voice says, “but I don’t think you want that one.”
“Why not?” I ask distractedly, still without looking up. When I finally do look up, I’m stricken by the prettiest face and the loveliest set of gray eyes I’ve ever encountered.
“Well, that’s an extreme survival guide,” the young woman standing before me points out. “See?” She flips the book back to its cover, grazing my hand in the process (it tingles pleasantly) and taps the subtitle. Sure enough, she’s right.
“Uh, um, yeah, I see,” I stammer like a fool.
I don’t even know which way is up right now, and my jaw must have hit the floor. This woman is simply so…so breathtaking. Seriously, I can hardly breathe around her. She’s petite and comely with sleek dark hair pulled back into a braid and smooth, flawless olive skin. She’s dressed in a fitted, long-sleeved green shirt, black jeans and jacket, and boots. Her look is so refreshingly different from any other girl I’ve known or dated; she’s the most gorgeous creature I’ve ever laid eyes on.
“I take it you’re a beginner,” she ventures, the hint of a smirk playing on her lips. When I say nothing, she goes on. “I mean, if you’re looking for books and all.” She pauses. “…Maybe I’m wrong, though.” She gives me a quick once-over, or possibly, I’m hallucinating right now. “You look like you’re in pretty good shape.”
My lips curl up at that, and though it’s dumb, I poke out my chest slightly.
“You appear to have strong shoulders and arms. Do you climb?” The pretty woman presses her soft pink lips together and blinks sweetly, innocently, and I think I might melt into a puddle at her feet.
“No, I bake,” I say. Good one, Peet. “Lugging 100-pound sacks of flour around all day is bound to develop the arms and shoulders.” I chuckle.
Nice one. I sound as though that’s my entire job. Is that supposed to impress her or something?
“Oh?” I think I catch a glint in her eye as if that intrigues her. Okay, so maybe she’s into baking…or feats of baking strength?
As for me, I’m totally smitten. I must have the goofiest expression on my face.
“Uh, I’m sorry,” she goes on to say, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket. “That was forward, what I said before. I should really learn to filter what I say.”
I chuckle in what I believe to be a good-natured way, but she must think I’m making fun of her, because her eyes narrow slightly. I stop laughing and thin out my smile. “I’m sorry, don’t apologize.” I shake my head. “I…I appreciate the compliment, actually. And you got me.” Boy, does she ever! Yeah right, Mellark! You wish! “I don’t have any outdoor experience; I’m basically a virgin.”
The gorgeous girl’s eyes go wide, then shoot away, and I think I notice a hint of pink to her cheeks. What the hell did I just say? My mouth drops open at my own idiocy, and I follow the girl’s line of sight over to the front counter. Of course, now the employee is paying attention, her small shoulders shaking in silent laughter.
“Uhh, I mean, an outdoor virgin, that is!” I palm my face and scrub my hand ultra-slowly down it.
“Oh, I see.” She glimpses me from beneath her dark eyelashes. She’s so damn adorable I can’t stand it. “Well, in that case, If you’ll allow me…I think I can help.”
I grin widely. “I’ll allow it.”
She turns around, and I follow her down the aisle like a puppy dog, doing my best to keep my eyes up and not watch her slender yet shapely hips gently sway or ogle her cute, round rear.
“So, what are you looking for?” she asks, looking back at me.
“Huh?” I’m caught off guard again. I snap my eyes, which were wavering somewhere around her low back, up to meet hers, and get my bearings. “Oh, uh, just some camping and lowkey hiking books.”
She nods. “I know just the ones.”
I stand back as she runs a finger along a row of books. I should do something other than stand here like an idiot, help or talk, or something.
Name. Name would be good.
“I’m Peeta,” I say. “Peeta Mellark.” She looks back at me. “Not like the bread.” And like a dork, I spell it for her.
“I’m Katniss. Katniss Everdeen.” She grins. “With a K, not like the animal.”
“Like the flower,” I insert.
“Yeah,” she replies, a surprised, pleased inflection to her voice.
“Wow,” I breathe. “That’s pretty.” I smile at her.
Katniss smiles shyly back and tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
Then, Katniss‒God, that really is a pretty name, almost as pretty as her‒turns around again and resolutely resumes her search. She pulls two books off the shelf and hands them back to me, then looks up. She reaches for one on a higher shelf, and when she does, her shirt rides up a bit, revealing more of that gorgeous olive skin as well as ink. She has a tattoo on her low back, of flowers. I recognize them from a botanical art book I used to sketch from‒katniss flowers and evening primrose. The katniss flowers I get, since that’s her name, but is there a significance behind the primroses?
She’s struggling to get the book. I should help her, rather than make her reach. I come closer, my front barely grazing her back, and I raise my arm over her head to grab the book she’s almost got a hold of. I place my hand over hers on top of the spine. She stiffens but doesn’t move away.
After several seconds, to my chagrin, she slips her hand out from under mine.
“Sorry,” I whisper, snatching the book. “Is this the one you were going for?”
“Yes,” she squeaks. And she moves away from me and folds her arms across her chest.
Great. I’ve made her uncomfortable. She must think I’m a creep!
I consider apologizing again but think better of it; instead, I decide simply to change the subject. “I really appreciate your help,” I tell her. “My son’s really into camping and the outdoors right now, and I want to take him, and also not embarrass myself.”
“Oh, your son?” Do I detect a hint of disappointment on her face and in her tone? Nah. Probably just wishful thinking on my part.
If she was disappointed, she recovers quickly. “How old is your son?” she asks.
“Seven,” I say.
“Okay. Well, in addition to the adult guide books I just gave you, there are some great children’s books, informational and storybooks, too.”
“Do you work here or something?” I tease, a touch of a laugh in my voice.
“No, just spend a lot of time here. I like reading.”
“That’s great.” She bobs her head, and when she turns around again, I sigh. Another good one. I’m sure I’m well on my way to sweeping this girl right off her feet, I think sarcastically.
“There’s this storybook I love…” Katniss beckons me, and once more, I immediately follow. “I enjoyed it as a kid and even as an adult. It’s a really touching story. I used to read it to my sister.”
“Sounds great.” She doesn’t say anything to that; she’s become even more quiet, and she keeps on walking. “Thank you, again, for doing this.”
“No problem,” she tosses back.
Along the way to the children’s section, she slips two more books off the shelves and hands them to me. Then she turns around to face me, explaining a few things about which sections are most useful for beginners to focus on.
“You sure know a lot about this,” I comment, giving her my friendliest smile.
She smiles faintly back. “Yeah, I have read those, and they’re good; although, I do think learning by doing is the best way. I go out into the woods regularly. At least once a week. Several times if I can. For hunting, hiking, camping, whatever.”
“I’ll bet you’re good at all that,” I say, this time cocking my head and tossing her a lopsided grin which is definitely more flirty. She blinks a few times, then glances down at her boots as she fidgets with her braid.
Ugh. Why do I feel like I’ve lost every bit of my mojo? Not like I was a Casanova, but I feel like I used to be much better at talking to women. I guess I’m out of practice, and my confidence is shot. I’ve managed to collect the broken pieces of my heart and somewhat put it back together again, but I haven’t dated much since Delly. A few feeble attempts, set-ups mostly, where I either didn’t connect with the woman or lost my nerve.
And it doesn’t help that this woman is a freaking goddess. As it is, I’m off in my head, imagining her in one of those white, flowing dresses goddesses wear. Hers would show just a hint of cleavage, but would be tasteful, as I picture her as the pure type. I see her as one of those woodland goddesses, sweet and strong and mighty, a goddess of the hunt, perhaps.
Yep, I’m definitely a goner.
At least I seem to be having some kind of impact on her, too. I think she’s shy, though. Hopefully, I’m not taking it too far.
“So, you go alone? To the woods?” I’m partially asking out of concern for her safety‒it can be dangerous being out in the wilderness alone, for anyone, man or woman‒but yeah, it’s also a shameless ploy to find out if she’s single.
“Um, yeah. I used to go with,” she hesitates, “someone…But now I go alone.”
Oh, so maybe she is single?
Do not, I repeat, do not ask her if her boyfriend worries about her going out in the woods alone or some crap like that. Absolutely do not go there.
“How’s your son at reading?” Katniss asks out of the blue. And I’m thankful she spoke up before I could do something stupid like pry into her personal life.
We’re at the Children’s section now.
“He’s average to advanced,” I say. “He’s really a smart, clever kid, and I’m not just saying that because I’m his dad and I’m biased.” I grin, and Katniss smiles at me. “Right now, he’s reading at one level past where he’s supposed to be,” I explain.
“That’s great,” she says. “So, this storybook I think he might like… It might be slightly above his level, but sounds like he could handle it, and if not, you could always read it to him. It’s about a boy named Ben…”
“Oh my god, that’s my son’s name!” I exclaim, entirely too excited. Katniss grins widely.
“Perfect,” she says. “Well, this boy, Ben, who lives on the edge of a forest, goes out into the wilderness on his own to gather medicinal herbs and berries to make medicine for his sick grandmother…the information about the plants in the book is accurate, by the way, but make sure to give your son the disclaimer about not trying it on his own‒plants, berries, and mushrooms can be toxic or even deadly, and it’s easy to get them confused.”
“Got it.” I nod.
“Well, anyway, Ben has a great adventure. There’s some danger along the way but also magic. He meets some talking animals, who help him, and of course, Ben puts his knowledge of survival skills, taught to him by his father, to good use.”
“Sounds great. I’m sure he’ll love it.” I beam at Katniss, and my eyes must sparkle with something akin to adoration for her, a feeling which is becoming nearly impossible for me to hide. She shyly glances away, nibbling enticingly on her lower lip.
“I’ll…” Katniss tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear, and I take a chance and step a bit closer to her. She shifts and bounces lightly on the balls of her feet. “I’ll…check and see if it’s here.” She moves away from me too speedily for my liking in search of the book. She seems to go directly to the exact spot where the book is located‒she certainly must spend a lot of time here.
“Oh, darn,” she mutters. “Looks like it’s not here.”
“It’s okay, Katniss.”
“It is very popular,” she mutters to herself, ignoring me entirely and heading up to the front desk to inquire with the spiky-haired, slightly intimidating girl. Katniss greets the employee familiarly by name‒Jo, she calls her‒and asks about the children’s book entitled: Benjamin the Brave.
I hear Jo clack at her computer keys, then tell Katniss that it’s out of stock but she can get it. I wind my way over to Katniss, catching a bit of Jo teasing Katniss about…me, I think…something about finding something else she’s looking for instead, in a suggestive manner, and I have to fight my grin. However, I can’t tell if Katniss is acting mortified because she’s shy or because she thinks I’m as attractive as a dead slug.
I clear my throat, interrupting the two, and Katniss explains the situation to me, though I’ve already heard. I tell them I plan to come back and order it for my son’s birthday.
I’ve set my books down on the counter, and I know this is a risky venture, but I ask Jo to hold them for me while I look around some more. With a smirk, she snarks that she’ll guard them with her life. I side-eye her, the corner of my lip curling, then follow Katniss to…wherever she’s going now.
I’m pretty sure I’d follow her to the ends of the earth.
Although, she’s only heading over to the Nature section again, and that’s not far.
Along the way, I see her stumble.
“Katniss?” Concerned, I quickly jog over to her, just in time for her to collapse. “Katniss!” I exclaim.
Fortunately, I’m able to reach out and catch her in my arms. I gently lower her to the floor with me and lay her head in my lap. Still conscious but peaked, she stares up at me, and if I wasn’t so concerned with her health right now, I’d be in heaven just looking in those eyes.
“Katniss!” Jo, likewise, calls out and comes rushing over.
“Uh, umm…” Katniss’s eyes dart confusedly from side to side; then she focuses back up on me. “I’m sorry…thank you.”
“It’s okay. You’re welcome.” I smile affectionately down at her. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I think I just got a bit dehydrated. I’ll be fine.” Katniss goes to slide her head off my lap, but I hold onto her arms.
“No, don’t get up yet,” I say, gently but insistently. “Take your time. Go slowly.” Why do I feel like my advice is as much for my benefit as hers? Because, admittedly, I’m enjoying having this lovely lady’s head in my lap.
“I agree with Blondie.” Jo, who is kneeling down beside Katniss now, pokes her arm. “Stay down,” she hisses.
Katniss huffs. “This isn’t necessary, you two.”
Jo snorts. “It is necessary. What the hell, Brainless? Did you overdo it today? Were you on your feet all day? Did you go to the woods? Try to climb a tree?”
“I…yeah, I went to the woods, but I didn’t climb a tree,” she says.
Jo heaves a sigh, her breath spritzing me in the face. “You shouldn’t be doing that in your condition.”
In her condition?
Katniss scowls at Jo and hisses a sarcastic “Thanks a lot,” then looks up at me, her expression a mix between distressed and apologetic.
“I’m…I’m, uh, pregnant,” she says.
“Oh,” is my stupid reply. I did not expect that; I never would have guessed as there’s no visible baby bump‒her abdomen is perfectly flat. Either she’s not very far along or is just a super skinny girl.
Well, damn. There goes that dream down the toilet. She probably has a really handsome, doting husband at home who’s going to be as furious as Jo that she went to the woods today, in her condition. And to think I thought she might actually be flirting with me! Stupid! I really have lost all my skill with women.
Jo continues to rail on Katniss. “Do I need to call Gale‒?” she begins.
“No!” Katniss snaps, throwing her the filthiest look I’ve ever seen. Even though she’s clearly angry, I can’t help but find that dirty look cute, and kind of arousing…
Get it together, Peeta! This poor woman is lying in your lap on the floor, and you’re getting turned on by her scowl? What the hell’s the matter with you?
And then there’s this Gale Jo spoke of.
Gale must be her husband, or boyfriend. Well, I don’t know him, but I already hate him‒only because I’m insanely jealous.
“Gale doesn’t care about me,” she mutters.
Huh?
“Yeah, well, fuck him,” spats Jo. “Wasn’t really going to call him, unless it’s to get him down here, so I can beat his ass.”
“Don’t do that,” she mumbles weakly. She gives Jo a faint smile before squeezing her eyes shut. “I can take care of myself, anyway.”
“Then do it!” Katniss’s eyes snap open, and she looks up at her friend. “And if you won’t listen to me, maybe Blondie here can convince you…”
Jo turns to me, and I’m at a loss. I have no idea what’s going on or why I’m being implicated in this, but I suddenly realize I’ve been affectionately stroking back Katniss’s sweaty hair.
And it’s bliss.
And she doesn’t seem to mind one bit.
“Blondie, tell Brainless here that when you’re pregnant, you can’t push yourself as far as you normally would.”
Why does she think I would know anything about that? Even though, I do.
“Why would I listen to him?” Katniss snips. I’m not offended because I can tell she’s only saying it in defiance of Jo.
“Ohh, I dunno, maybe because you think he’s a fine piece of ass.”
My eyes go wide, and I blink rapidly. A stupid grin forms on my face. Really? Does she really think that? And how does Jo know? I need confirmation.
“Shut up.” Katniss glares over at Jo, then mutters half under her breath, “I hate you…”
“Love you, too, bitch.” Jo smirks impishly.
Well, I don’t like this Jo calling Katniss a bitch, but it kind of seems like their dynamic…?
Jo’s expression hardens, then, and she appears ready to go off on another tirade. Katniss seems to notice the storm brewing, too, for she looks up at me so helplessly my heart clenches in my chest.
And so, I send Jo off to fetch some water for Katniss. She could probably use it, and well, Katniss certainly seemed to want to get rid of her.
“You alright?” I ask once Jo is gone. “Feeling any better?” I continue stroking her hair. She hums contentedly at my ministrations and even shuts her eyes.
“Better, yes,” she murmurs.
Her eyes flutter open a few seconds later. “Much better now that she’s gone. What she said…” Katniss looks timidly up at me, and I smile.
“It’s okay,” I say. “No need to explain. Just relax.” She smiles softly, and her eyelashes flutter, her heavy-looking lids closing again.
Five or so minutes later, Katniss is seated in a cushy armchair in the empty Children’s section with a mug of water in her hand. I’m on the floor in front of her with my legs tucked under, looking up at her as if I’m a child and she’s about to read me a story.
Well, she is about to tell me one‒the story of her pregnancy.
Katniss takes a deep breath and begins. “My ex-boyfriend, Gale, never wanted to get married,” she tells me. “He didn’t want kids, either. Both our fathers died in a mining accident when we were young. I was 11; he was 13.”
I insert my sincere condolences, even if it is way after the fact.
She thanks me flatly and goes on to say, “My mother shut down after that, and I basically raised my younger sister, Prim. Likewise, Gale raised his two younger brothers and younger sister. His mother didn’t have a mental breakdown, or whatever you want to call it, like my mother did, but they were poor, like us, and his mother was working a lot, so he was usually the one feeding and taking care of his siblings. He and I used to go hunting to provide extra meat for our families, and when he was old enough, he went to work in the mines, too. Anyway, when I recently accidentally got pregnant, he said he didn’t want to raise another kid, said he couldn’t do it again; he wanted to focus on his life.”
“Wow, that’s‒” Selfish. Terrible… I could insert quite a few adjectives here, but I don’t know how Katniss would feel about me bashing her ex. Not only do I barely know her, but I’ve learned that no matter how bad an ex is, and even if your friend or partner is bashing them, too, it’s dangerous to join in. Sometimes they end up reconciling, and then they’re mad at you for what you said… Besides, I don’t like to judge people, or talk about them behind their backs, and what Katniss and her ex and their families went through was clearly a horrible ordeal. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that. And that you’re going through this, alone.”
“Oh, I’m not entirely alone. I’m not too far along, but I’ve already been getting help from family and friends. As you can see, some of them…have a penchant to hover and be overprotective.”
I grin. “Maybe that’s okay. Just means they care. I mean, I know I would…” I stop myself quickly.
She flushes.
“I guess so. It is nice. And I mean, even though I understood Gale’s feelings, I do kind of resent him for ditching me in this. It’s only gonna get harder.”
“Well,” I begin tentatively. “If you ever need any advice, I know a lot about pregnancy and birth. It’s only fair that I help you out the way you helped me out.”
For a second, I think I’ve gone too far, but then she gives me a smile so genuinely warm and grateful and sweet that I feel my insides liquify.
I decide to tell her my sob story, then, which is not nearly as sad as hers, though she seems troubled by it, even perturbed. While I appreciate her sympathy, I feel kind of bad‒my story is nothing compared to hers, although it’s not a comparison.
I switch gears and ask her about her pregnancy so far, if she wants to tell me. And surprisingly, she does want to talk about it.
We talk for some time while she sips at her mug of water, and I’m shocked when she asks me to join her at the coffee/tea shop next door. I practically beg her to stay before going up to order for us‒I suppose I have some abandonment issues; plus, I still can’t believe this beautiful woman is into me. Thankfully, she’s still there when I return with our tea‒a special raspberry leaf medicinal pregnancy tea she likes from there (with plenty of sugar) for her, and a green tea with no sugar for me.
We chat for a while longer; then she tells me she needs to go. I feel my stomach drop out as if I’m making the first descent on a roller coaster. This could be it. What if I never see her again? Aside from lurking around the bookstore, which would be incredibly creepy, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to lose her, so, I take a risk and ask for her number‒you know, just in case I need more camping advice or she needs pregnancy advice. I’m fully prepared to be metaphorically shot down by her arrow, but to my great surprise, and elation, she gives it to me.
—–
I’m giddy after meeting Katniss, actually giddy. I’ve never been this excited after meeting a woman, and I’ve never felt such a connection with a female since Delly. Maybe never, period. Somehow, this thing between Katniss and me feels so much more powerful than what I had with Delly. Maybe it’s simply the newness of it.
But after feeling so miserable for years, that’s a real feat. It’s such a strange sensation to feel so happy again when I never thought I could, aside from the moment my son was born and having a relationship with him, but I do. I’m hopeful. Maybe this could be real. Maybe Katniss Everdeen could even be ‘The One.’
Although, I’m scared. I’d thought Delly was ‘The One’ once, but clearly, she wasn’t. Or, maybe it doesn’t always work out with ‘the One.’ People are only human, after all. And maybe there can even be more than one ‘One.’ I don’t really know because I’m far more cynical than I used to be. All I know is, I can’t and won’t let Katniss go, so long as she wants me, too.
I don’t call her that night, even though I’m dying to, because I don’t want to seem too eager or desperate. I do, however, tell Ben about the pretty lady I met at the bookstore‒I simply can’t contain it any longer. I need to talk about her. I’m bursting with joy and hope, which I can tell Ben picks up on‒he’s a very empathetic child and has always been very attuned to my and other’s emotions.
I don’t often do this, but I ask him to keep it a secret from his mother. She’ll be all up in my business if and when she finds out.
Surely, she’ll be finding out eventually, though, because I’m planning for Katniss to be in my life.
I call my beautiful huntress three days later, and I swear Katniss sighs into the phone when she hears my voice. She’s been waiting for my call, which I discover later, after we’ve been talking for nearly a month. She even tells me she nearly demanded to know that day why I waited so long to call. And I can’t believe my luck. It seems I do have an effect on her the same way she does on me‒perhaps not to the same extent.
Katniss and I talk on the phone or text and get to know one another, regularly meeting up for lunch or a drink: chamomile or low-caffeine teas or juice, and hot cocoa, a favorite of hers, when the weather turns cooler. We do this for about six months before taking things any further. Trust me, it hasn’t been easy to wait, but I wanted Katniss to feel ready‒I think I was ready for her from the start.
I talk frequently about my lady friend to Ben, but I don’t introduce them just yet.
Katniss and I start dating right around Thanksgiving. I certainly know what I’m thankful for this year. Every year, it’s Ben, of course, but this year, I have two.
I’m insatiable for Katniss, though, because our relationship is new, and because of our slightly complicated situation (really, only in her mind), we take things slow. Regardless, it’s incredible. She’s incredible.
When I do introduce Katniss to Ben not long after, as my girlfriend, he adores her. He’s shy and intimidated by her at first, even whispers to me about how pretty she is, but once she starts talking about the woods, he’s a goner for her‒same as I was that very first day. If that wasn’t enough, she cinches his esteem and affection by gifting him the book she told me about, Benjamin the Brave.
We give it to him together, as a birthday gift, and that night, we take turns reading it to him.
Against my better judgment, I decide to bring Katniss to my family Thanksgiving. And it’s kind of a small disaster. Delly is there with Ben, being nosy about my new girlfriend, and over a ton of food, there are whisperings (most not-so-subtle) about Katniss’s condition. It’s pretty obvious she’s pregnant.
It goes well enough for a while, though. Katniss is nuts over the food, especially the baked goods. I remind her that I come from a long line of bakers, so they should be incomparable.
The cat is finally let out of the bag when my middle brother, Rye, being the moron he is, outright asks me if my girlfriend is pregnant or if she’s just a little chubby. I nearly hurl my fork at his head.
Katniss excuses herself, then, and I follow to check on her. I catch up to her outside the bathroom. She’s a tad emotional, though not crying, just shaking a bit and wearing a sort of deer in headlights, panicked expression. I hug her tightly and promise to beat the crap out of my brother. She tells me it’s not that, that she’s just feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. I ask her if she wants to go, and she says no. I ask her what I can do to make it better, and she proceeds to tell me we should just get it over with, and tell my family everything right now.
And so, we got back, and I get everyone’s attention. I clear my throat and prepare to make a little speech…
“This is my girlfriend, Katniss,” I begin. “She’s 27 years old. She loves reading, camping, hiking, and hunting. She loves drinking herbal tea with tons of sugar and hot cocoa. She adores my cheese buns.” I smile sappily over at her, and she smiles right back at me. “Yes, she’s pregnant. No, it’s not my baby. She was pregnant when I met her, and I think she was very brave to do it without a partner for a while. But I don’t want her to be without one anymore. I won’t let her be. I’m madly in love with her, and I’m going to stay by her side through all of it.”
The last part of my statement clearly hits Delly, and I wonder what she’s thinking. From her raised brow and slack jaw, I imagine she’s shocked I’d do such a thing. She should know better, though. If I was willing to be there for the woman who cheated on me, why wouldn’t I be there for the woman I’m in love with, who’s been nothing but devoted to me? One might say, well, that was your child and this isn’t. But that doesn’t matter to me. I’m already hopelessly attached and in love with Katniss’s unborn child, same as I am with her, and maybe it’s too soon to even be thinking this, but if she’ll have me, I hope to one day call Katniss’s baby mine, too.
“Well, you sure summed that up, didn’t you?” Katniss whispers.
“I, uh…” I open my mouth, then snap it shut. “Is there…anything I need to apologize for?” I ask.
Katniss smirks slightly and shakes her head. “No, I think you said it just right. Succinct. Couldn’t have done better myself.”
I’m so relieved she’s not angry that I chuckle and lean over and kiss her cheek. I don’t care that they’re all watching. I’d plant one one her lips right now if my son weren’t watching. But Ben doesn’t say yuck or cover his eyes or look away, like most boys his age would; instead, he gives me a smile and a little thumbs-up. I always knew my son was something special.
I lean over again and whisper “I love you” in Katniss’s ear. Then I nip her earlobe, and she giggles. She looks into my eyes, and even though I’m not expecting anything, again, I’m hopeful.
“I love you, too,” she whispers back, and my heart nearly bursts from happiness.
I ask her to move in with me two weeks later, and she surprises me yet again by saying yes.
Another utterly perfect, exquisite being comes into this world on January 1st, a tiny, dark-haired girl with olive skin and gray eyes, who looks almost exactly like Katniss. We call her Serene, short for Serendipity.
—–
The following Thanksgiving, we’re headed to dinner with my family, this time with our 10-month-old daughter‒yes, we consider her ‘our’ daughter, even though she’s not biologically mine‒in tow.
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DTeam Tumblr Demographics Survey Results (Part 1):
The Gifted Child Syndrome is Real with this One...
*Rubs hands together in preparation for some juicy data and in-depth analysis of the typical member of the DTeam Tumblr community*
Ooooooooh boy! Here we go!
I want to start of by thanking you guys for over 400 responses to the demographics survey! Y’all have no idea how much I appreciate it! We have so much to cover, so I’m going to divide up different sections of the survey into several posts to make it more digestable and do justice to each topic explored in the form! We’re going to start of with, you guessed it, personality types!
Strap yourself in because we’re about to thoroughly dissect your sub-conscious innerworkings and find out how the typical DTeam Tumblr Fan thinks! (And judging by the majority personality types, you guys will probably enjoy it)
The Delicious Data
From the 449 responses we received, this is a pie chart displaying the personality types of all respondents.
Image Description: INFP (40.5%), INTP (15.1%), INFJ (8.9%), INTJ (8.9%), ISFP (6.9%), ENFP (4.2%), ISTP (4.0%), ENTP (3.8%), ESFP (1.6%), ISFJ (1.6%), ENTJ (1.3%), ENFJ (1.3%), ISTJ (1.1%), ESTP (0.4%), ESFJ (0.2%), ESTJ (0%)
In comparison, this is a pie chart displaying the personality type percentages of the population as a whole according to the MBTI website.
Image Description: ISTP (14%), ESFJ (12%), ISTJ (12%), ISFP (9%), ESTJ (9%), ESFP (8%) ENFP (8%), ISTP (5%), INFP (4%), ESTP (4%), INTP (3%), ENTP (3%), ENFJ (2%), INTJ (2%), ENTJ (2%), INFJ (1%)
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sensing a tiny difference here... Oh, right!
INxx’s on the Loose!
It’s funny. When I first found one of the 18+ DTeam fan servers through Tumblr, I asked everyone what their personality type was. I was pleasantly surprised when a lot of them told me they were INFPs like me!
It actually reminded me of MatPat’s (Game Theory) survey for one of his Life Is Strange theories that found the majority personality there was also INFP...
Funny enough, can you guess what the second leading personality on that survey was? The third? The fourth?
You probably guessed it right. MatPat found that out of the fans who responded, the leading majority was INFP while INTPs came in second, INFJs came in third, and INTJs came in fourth. The exact order for the personality types in DTeam Tumblr.
But why is it that some of the rarer personalities of the world are dominating DTeam Tumblr or Game Theory’s fanbase? What is it about these communities that attract the rare introverted Intuitive Perceivers (INxP) and Intuitive Judgers (INxJ) of the world like magnets?
The Gifted Kid Syndrome
To answer this question, first we have to examine our leading personalities. As we can see from the data, INFPs and INTPs make up 55.6% and INFJs and INTJs make up 17.8% of the total respondents. That’s nearly 3/4′s of the DTeam Tumblr population made up of INxx types!
Now, here’s me calling y’all out.
A lot of you probably relate to the quiet kid sitting at the back of the classroom who’s put into some type of TAG, gifted program, or some authority figure has probably called you smart and/or “gifted” at some point in your life. Academics probably came easy to you at one point, maybe they still do.
You’ve probably felt your chest swell up at the shower of compliments about your intelligence and at another... you’ve probably felt like people put you in a pedestal and overrate you so you’re stuck with this inherent fear of failure, and it causes you to completely shut down when the things that came easy to you at one point no longer do so.
It’s gifted kid syndrome hitting you like a brick to the face. And if it hasn’t yet, oh you’re in for a surprise, honey.
And I’m sure many of you have come across funny, relatable posts like this:
And you want to know why most of you relate?
Image Description: INTP, INTJ, INFP, anf INFJ’s rate the highest in a giftedness per MBTI Type chart
No. You’re not hallucinating. It’s not even a joke at this point. It feels true because it probably is true.
(Granted, the study that captured similar results to this graph is long lost to the internet, but the best source I found with it was a reddit post I will be citing in the reblog.)
Now, my next point is where we find a split.
INFPs and INTPs and their Need to Question Everything (even if it’s about one sentence [insert creator here] said that one time during a 4-hour long stream)
The strongest connection I found between the two leading personalities of DTeam Tumblr is they share Extraverted Intuiting (Ne) as their auxiliary cognitive function.
I’ll use a quote that explains Ne better than I could ever explain it in my own words:
“Extraverted intuition or Ne is very much focused on patterns and making connections from information they gather... Ne dominant users enjoy being able to explore things in a much more open manner, not wanting to feel closed off to the possibilities around them... They are also highly imaginative people, who enjoy being able to come up with unique hobbies and experiences... They are not afraid of imagining things which seem almost impossible to others... [For INFPs,] Ne is what creates this detailed and incredible thoughts process which keeps them busy for long periods of time.”
And another:
“Auxiliary Ne manifests in people constantly questioning the world around them, but unlike ENxPs, they can be more pick and choose about this. But generally, they don’t take people, things and events at face value.“
Now, think about the community you’re in right now. Think about the post you’re reading at the moment.
DTeam Tumblr is full of over-analysis posts, whether about Dream and George’s secret love for each other or about the inherent problems with Dream’s shipbait and gay jokes or theories about what’s going to happen next in the dream SMP lore and the dramatic betrayals and creator’s descend into madness and more theories about sexuality and charts depicting creator’s personalities and what they’d be likely to do in different scenarios and... ooof, I’m out of breath here. You get my point.
DTeam Tumblr is literally a group of ex-gifted or gifted introverted people who love to read or write analysis, theory, and discussion posts about sweaty Minecraft Youtubers because they’re probably too overwhelmed by real life and find joy in obsessing over “dumb” things.
That’s it. That’s literally the post. I might as well end there.
But I won’t.
Because obsessions is exactly what I want to focus on next.
The Inherent Nature of the INFP and their “Micro-Obsessions”
This is me having a one-to-one conversation with all my INFPs reading this.
Do you sometimes just set your mind on a goal--like, let’s say, writing a book--and you spend so much time obsessing over it to the point where you burn out and suddenly it never sees the light of day because you move onto your next goal or obsession because now you’re getting ready to launch your freelance website so you can start a business on [insert new hobby here]?
Or do you just suddenly find a fandom or a show or a channel you really enjoy and you spend the next few months doing nothing but engaging with it and reading fanfiction and drawing fan art or making dumb analysis posts on your main Tumblr account where suddenly you get an influx of followers from that community and now people are expecting you to just post about MCYT!?
Oh, sorry, I got a little carried away at the end there...
Anyhow, my point is, do you ever develop an obsession over something all the sudden only for it to just disappear when you find something new or just fall into the deep crevices of your mind only for it to maybe reemerge a few years later after you get a deep sense of nostalgia remembering it?
I call them micro-obsessions. And I recently found out, I’m not the only one who does this!
Here’s another quote for you:
“According to Carl Jung’s theory of cognitive functions, when an INFP makes a decision, Ne comes in second to another process known as Introverted Feeling (Fi). Fi does not use logic to make a decision. It uses how we feel about the decision according to our values. In other words, it asks, “Which choice feels right for me?”
Ne, on the other hand, craves new ideas and experiences to explore, which causes INFPs to always be on the lookout for something novel.
Unfortunately, INFPs can get stuck in a loop, going back and forth between their Ne and Fi. They search to understand their values by constantly trying new things. They ask themselves, “Does this feel right?” then throw it over their shoulder as they move on to something else.”
So, you’re probably asking right about now, Light, how the heck does any of this have anything to do with the Dream Team and MCYT!?
Well, my friend, it has EVERYTHING to do with the Dream Team and MCYT and DTeam Tumblr as a whole.
Because INxx’s are predisposed to end up in places like this--fandoms on Tumblr, channels that speculate whether Mario is evil, watching dramatic Minecraft smp wars and elections as opposed to looking at the news that depicts Murphy’s Law as 2020′s new favorite epigram.
The introvert in them causes them to prefer socializing in small communities online where they’re not forced to engage in conversations if they don’t want to or put into uncomfortable situations where they have to talk to that one friend of their friend who wants to make meaningless small chat.
Their Intuition causes them to wonder into places like Tumblr where they can engage in deep discussions about their newest obsessions, and they won’t be judged for writing a 500+ word post about why Dream’s shipbait tactics are a genius algorithm strat or simping over sweaty Minecraft boys.
DTeam Tumblr is a safe haven for INFPs and INTPs who might be placed in the “other” category or marked as weird for being interested in “childish” entertainment or being different from the general population overall, whether that’d be sexuality, point of view, age, gender, etc. A place where you can fully be yourself and not have to worry about disappointing people.
INFPs are predisposed for drowning themselves in their micro-obsessions to avoid all of the madness in the world--even if that means giggling like a little girl while reading memes about your favorite Minecraft YouTube creators.
That is a deep-dive into the mind of a typical DTeam Tumblr user. What do you think? Is it accurate at all? Is it completely off? Let me know in the comments!
And with that, I digress. I’m not sure whether I’ll be covering general demographics next week or diving into the topic of ships (could be a mix of both), but I will be posting about it eventually, so make sure to hit the follow if you got to the end of this post and enjoyed it or learned something new from it!
Friendly reminder that this survey and post is in no way supposed to be taken 100% seriously. These are just the ramblings of a math major INFP with too much time on her hands and way too big of an obsession for MCYT. My asks are always open for literally anything, whether if you want to ask me about this or any DNF related subject, my own opinions, or just criticize the whole of this post and tell me it’s complete trash! I’ll answer as long as it’s appropriate!
And, again, thank you everyone who filled out the survey. Without y’all, this post wouldn’t be possible. I really enjoyed writing it! Adios!
#dteam#dteamblr#dttblr#mcyt#dreamwastaken#georgenotfound#sapnap#dreamnotfound#dnf#dream team#dream smp#dteamblr demographics survey#analysis
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A Refutation of Telltale’s “Is the Jedi Order a Cult?”
I was directed to this video that claims that the Jedi Order is a cult during a discussion on reddit earlier, and while the person who linked it respectfully asked to end the discussion we were having, I figure the video is worth addressing on its own, separately from that discussion. So I’ve cleaned up the points I made over on reddit and stripped out the stuff relevant to that conversation, to explain just what I took issue with with this video.
To the video-maker’s credit, he does acknowledge that the Jedi are presented as correct within the narrative of the films. Having run into one too many “the point of the prequels was the flaws of the Jedi” across the Internet, I have to say it’s refreshing to see Jedi-critical arguments made without that assumption.
I still disagree with pretty much all of the points made in the video, and found it to be uncharitable, blatantly incorrect at times, and almost completely lacking in concrete examples and evidence of his claims, but he has a right to his own interpretations, especially in that he acknowledges that they’re not the intended takeaway. But I hope that my response will show that it’s not something actually reflected by the source material, and that the Jedi are not actually a cult, even setting aside creator intentions.
Disclaimer – I’m not familiar with this video-creator’s other work, but from what’s said in the video, it does seem that this isn’t his usual kind of material, and that he intended this as “lighthearted” video. With that in mind, its lack of robustness and misinformation is forgivable – this response is mostly meant as something for me (or you, if you want) to point to the next time someone brings this video up to support their position, not as a criticism of this video-creator or his work in general. If you choose to engage with the video directly, please be kind.
He begins his arguments by claiming that the Jedi erase people’s identities by having them block their emotions completely - this isn't true; what we see the Jedi say is "be mindful of your feelings" (Mace Windu, TPM), and "don't let your personal feelings get in the way" (Obi-Wan, AOTC), and "don't let your feelings cloud your judgement" (several times). All of that requires acknowledgment of one's emotions and dealing with them appropriately.
He then claims that those who leave are shunned - this is again, blatantly untrue. For instance, at the beginning of AOTC, Dooku is still spoken of highly long after he has left the Order - the Jedi are reluctant to even entertain the idea that he could be behind the attack on Padmé. The Sith are for one thing, not necessarily ex-members of the Order, and for another, they’re "shunned" because they're going around torturing and murdering people, not because of heretical views on the Force. We see in TCW that the Jedi Order co-exists peacefully with other Force traditions, even dark-sided ones like the Nightsisters.
Another claim he makes is "There aren't any checks and balances for the Jedi Council", which is again, untrue - the Jedi are accountable to the Senate, and, if anything, that arrangement is skewed in favor of the Senate, because the Senate is not truly accountable in turn. The Jedi Council is ultimately pressured into decisions against its will, especially as the war goes on – most notably, Anakin’s appointment to the Council in ROTS.
He is critical of the Jedi taking in children, but the same can be said of any adoption - simply taking in children is not, in of itself, cult behavior, or else every adoptive family is a cult. The approach the author of this video takes to this category is too broad and does not adequately establish how to distinguish cults preying on children from healthy child-rearing.
He then claims that Jedi are expected to obey unquestioningly – but I disagree that this is evidenced in the source material. The Jedi are expected to respect their elders but we don't see harsh punishment for disobedience or dissent, merely disapproval. For instance, the most trouble Qui-Gon, as a noted maverick, gets is some exasperated side-eye. Similar to the previous claim, the approach the author takes is too broad and doesn’t distinguish a cult’s expectation of obedience from a parent’s expectation of obedience.
He claims that the Jedi control clothing and hairstyle - this is misleading at best. While the padawans all are expected to wear the braid, the hairstyle isn't set beyond that (many species don’t even have hair!), and even with the Jedi sporting a traditional outfit, we see their robes and tunics come in many different shades and colors. Some forgo the traditional robes all together, such as Ahsoka Tano, Luminara Unduli, Aayla Secura, some of them even wearing the ornamentation of their homeworld cultures on top of that (again, Ahsoka, Luminara, and Barriss Offee, and Depa Billaba, and Shaak Ti...).
Sith are, again, not ex-members as the video-author implies, and again, the issue with them is the torturing and murdering and enslaving people, not simple philosophical differences. The Jedi are perfectly allowed to speak with outsiders and presumably critics of their Order; they just don’t want to let a bunch of genocidal despots have their way with the galaxy. The video also makes an unfair assumption that Jedi can't get information from outside sources; there is no evidence for this – in fact, we see in AOTC that Obi-Wan turns to an outside source when he can’t get the results he wants from the Temple droids, and even trusts that outside source over contradicting information coming from within the Temple’s information base (i.e., the existence of Kamino – he does not simply accept that Kamino doesn’t exist, he seeks further wisdom on the matter).
The video-author completely omits the fact that Palpatine is arrested not merely because of being "on the dark side", but because the man had orchestrated a war for his own sake and was attempting to turn the Republic into a dictatorship under his control. That is a very good reason to arrest someone.
Regarding the good versus evil section - first of all, the Jedi in the first six films never once refer to "the light side". Not once. I don’t recall if it came up in TCW (aside from the beings on Mortis, but they are not Jedi), either. Luke does refer to the "good side" in the OT but his teachers don't call it that. This point also goes against the visual metaphors that Lucas makes use of: “Color plays an extremely important part. The bad guys exist mostly in a black and white world; the good guys live in an organic world of browns and greens. Philosophically the bad guys live in an absolute world of black and white, where the good guys live in a more naturally nuanced world.” - George Lucas, the Making of ROTJ. The Jedi’s belief system is more nuanced than “this is good” and “this is bad”, and their rules and Code are not purely about morals.
The video goes back to the identity thing – but as I've already said, several Jedi are seen wearing the garments and ornamentation of their birth cultures. They also keep their birth names, and seem to value names highly given how they approach the clone troops under their command. Here’s a good post going into that even more.
The "Code" and swearing-in ceremonies he cites are not used in the films or TCW. I’m not sure where the swearing-in is sourced from, either, and the “Code” is a meditation mantra.
The things the Jedi say are not to stop complex thought – his example of Obi-Wan even at once point telling Anakin to “use the Force! Think!”, indicating that he would like for Anakin to think things through – he echoes this later in ROTS, trying to get Anakin to consider the Chancellor’s suspicious behavior. There’s also the fact that the way Yoda speaks is by George Lucas's own words, designed to get people thinking about what Yoda is saying.
Comparing meditation to hypnosis is...completely uncharitable.
And again with the emotions thing - at no point are any emotions labeled evil, nor do they avoid them - they are expected to be mindful (i.e. cognizant) of them, and to not let those emotions rule their actions. There is nothing to indicate that their teachings are the most uncharitable and extreme interpretation you can take from their words (as this video does) instead of a reasonable and healthy approach to self-control that is actually valuable psychologically.
His final claims repeat the earlier claim of “shunning” - again, there is no evidence for this behavior towards non-believers, especially as we see them having friends outside the Order. And at no point does anyone say that there is no happiness outside of the Order.
I hope I addressed all his points and sufficiently explained why they don’t match up with what we see in the source material. If you want further reading on how the Jedi actually function, with robust sources, I recommend checking out @gffa’s reference guide for the current continuity. There is also my “in defense of the jedi” tag, which collects my and others’ meta posts on the Jedi, their philosophies, and actions.
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What the fuck do I do?...
**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**
posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.
to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m
I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...
but the last few months have me scared and confused...
(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...
to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.
(*some minorly important issues
•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.
•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.
•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.
•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??
•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.
•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.
•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)
but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.
fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.
he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.
so on to the next argument.
he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and
he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.
now on to the last argument.
he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.
I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.
hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)
he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.
I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.
"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance
soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.
I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..
granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..
update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.
#abusive relationship#tw abuse#mine#relationship#please help me#help#relationship advice#fiancé#couple problems#manipulative#maybe#physical abuse#lost#scared#lonely#what do i do
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Interview // Clairo
For The Guardian. Read online.
Exuding all the effusive pride of a new parent, Claire Cottrill is showing me photos of Joanie, her rescue dog and the muse for her forthcoming album, Sling. “She’s actually really bossy,” the Massachusetts-raised artist better known as Clairo chuckles over Zoom, holding her phone close to the laptop screen so I can see the Instagram post more clearly. “But she’s so funny. We have such a special bond.”
According to a DNA test, the sandy-furred pup is mostly chow chow and great pyrenees, with a little bit of boxer and lab in the mix, which accounts for the fact she has tripled in size in the six-and-a-bit months since her adoption. “She was a little wolf baby; a peanut!” the 22-year-old singer-songwriter exclaims, mooning nostalgically over one particular image depicting the then seven-week-old puppy peeking out of some bushes.
Dog ownership might have become quite the ultimate lockdown cliche, but for Cottrill committing to a pet represented a rare opportunity to lay down some roots. Certainly, pre-pandemic she hadn’t had much chance to pursue a life of quiet domesticity; not since the autumn of 2018 at least, when the lo-fi bedroom pop of Pretty Girl went viral, just weeks after she started college in Syracuse.
Its winningly DIY video racked up more than 1.5m YouTube views pretty much overnight (it now stands at almost 75m), and Cottrill was heralded as a vital new voice, and part of a wave of creatively autonomous, emotionally articulate Gen Z artists, alongside the likes of Billie Eilish and Rex Orange County.
Cottrill’s rapid rise – not to mention her signing with the Fader label and Chance the Rapper’s management team – was not without controversy. A small but vocal subset on Reddit circulated the rumour that Cottrill was an “industry plant”, a conclusion they arrived at following their discovery that her father Geoff was previously chief marketing officer at Converse and co-founder of its affiliated recording studio Rubber Tracks. She has recently addressed the allegations directly, telling Rolling Stone, “I definitely am not blind to the fact that things have been easier for me.”
Largely though, Cottrill has sought to prove her detractors wrong through the quality of her compositions. First came Diary 001, an esoteric, six-track set mining skeletal hip-hop and the wipe-clean grooves of PC Music-inspired pop. That was followed in August 2019 by Immunity, the full-length debut she co-produced with ex-Vampire Weekend man Rostam Batmanglij. More revelatory than Diary 001, it detailed a suicide attempt (Alewife) and her struggles with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis (I Wouldn’t Ask You) with striking candour. Sonically, it paired tender, electronics-tinged introspection with swooning guitar-pop. Sofia, which now boasts 280m streams on Spotify, catapulted Cottrill into another league of fame entirely, leading to collaborations with Charli XCX, Mura Masa and Arlo Parks, plus arena tours in support of Khalid and Tame Impala.
Cottrill was busy with the latter when Covid hit the US. On hearing the news, she headed straight to Atlanta, Georgia, to see out lockdown with family, a period of isolation originally scheduled to last a fortnight but which went on for eight months.
Just how intense was it spending the best part of a year holed up with her parents? “It was awesome,” she insists, now back at the Brooklyn apartment she shares with fellow musicians and former college pals Claud and Josh Mehling. “My older sister came home as well. And I found it interesting that no matter how much you’ve progressed as an adult in your own life, the family roles revert back to exactly how it was as a kid.”
First and foremost, enforced confinement provided the opportunity for Cottrill to deepen her relationship with her mother.
“The conversations I had with my mom about motherhood, and the things she sacrificed for us, are really important to me,” she says. “Also, it’s like you don’t actually know who your mother is before she’s Mom, before she’s Wife, because there isn’t a huge documentation of who she was as an individual. And I realised that I might be in the period of my life now where I’m in my individual phase: before I am Mom, before I am Wife, or whatever I end up being. It was a bit scary to recognise that I could eventually have a family, and then this whole identity that I’ve had on my own for a long time can, in some ways, disappear.”
These existential ideas form the basis of Cottrill’s much-anticipated second album. Recorded in the autumn of 2020 at Allaire Studios – situated on a mountain top in upstate New York – Sling finds Jack Antonoff co-producing. Perhaps more significantly, the record also features backing vocals from Lorde – on Reaper as well as the lead single Blouse – an alliance that led to Cottrill returning the favour on the New Zealander’s latest, Solar Power.
“I met Lorde [when I was] on FaceTime with Jack,” she says of the link-up. “He was like: ‘Hey, I’m with a friend, can we say hi?’, and it was Lorde. And I freaked out, of course, but she’s the nicest person ever.
“We talked a lot about how cool it was in the Laurel Canyon era, where people would secretly do background vocals on each other’s music – like Joni Mitchell with Carole King – rather than as a way to benefit the business side of things. Back then it was just like: ‘I love your voice: will you lend your talent to my song?’ So that’s what I asked her, and I was just lucky enough that she wanted me on hers as well.”
The legacy of Laurel Canyon looms over Sling, which swaps the sparse electronic flourishes of Immunity for lush, acoustic folk, often embellished with swooning vocal harmonies, delicate strings and the warm swell of brass. Reference points for the record included Hejira-era Mitchell, the Carpenters and Harry Nilsson, alongside less obvious touchpoints, such as cult jazz musician Blossom Dearie. Most influential, perhaps, was Innocence & Despair by the Langley Schools Music Project, which features a choir of 1970s school kids covering hits of the day, and has since been hailed as a significant piece of outsider art.
“To me, that record merged my two worlds for Sling,” Cottrill explains. “I wanted that warm 70s feeling, but also I was thinking so much about kids, and especially the clumsy, sweet kid that Joanie embodies.”
There is a darker side to the record too, as Cottrill grapples with the reality of life navigating an industry that she memorably describes – on Bambi – as “a universe designed against my own beliefs”. On Blouse she describes her experiences being sexualised by record execs, while on Management she parodies the industry’s fascination with youth in lines like “She’s only 22”.
“[The attitude is] ‘There’s a lot more that we can squeeze out of her before she’s done.’ Because I think that what this industry does a lot is drain young women of everything until they’re not youthful any more.”
For Cottrill, as much as Sling is an album, it is a document of her endeavours to reassess what it is she wants from life. And adopting Joanie was only the first step: in two weeks’ time she plans to move into the house she recently purchased, in a tiny Massachusetts town in close proximity to both the Berkshire and Catskill mountains.
“It’s so awful that it took something like lockdown happening for me to reevaluate how I wanted to move forward. But it’s now about putting my mental health first, because I deserve to have nice things that I do care about. [Things] outside of music, like a house and a dog.”
As we say goodbye, I get another glimpse of Joanie, who has been snoozing throughout the interview. Sprawled on the floor at the end of Cottrill’s bed, blissfully unaware of her significance in our conversations, it’s a pretty fitting encapsulation of the pace of life that Cottrill has finally embraced.
#interview#interviews#tearsheet#tearsheets#guardian#the guardian#the guide#clairo#sling#claire cottrill
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He Ruined My Sister's Only Birth Experience So I Made Sure He'd NEVER Forget Her
Kinda my revenge, kinda my sisters, both of us really proud. This is gonna be long so TL;DR at bottom. Here's our cast:
My sister - we'll call her "Sara" for the story Sister's Ex-BF - "Paul" Ex-BFs New Wife - "Jane" Ex-BFs Parents - "Mr. And Mrs. Doe" Oldest brother - "Zeke" Our parents And Me :)
When I was 14 and my oldest sister, Sara, was 22 we found out that she was pregnant with Paul, her boyfriend of 4 years. They immediately got engaged and they were really happy. For a time. Sara had a horrible pregnancy, about 16-18 weeks in the "wonder of creating a human life" evaporated within her. She developed hyperemesis (which if you don't know is really bad morning sickness), she was constantly in pain, she developed gestational diabetes, and just all around hated the experience. Around this time Paul, the then-fiance, started getting sick of the complaining. I believe the argument was "your body is built to do this, it can't be that bad".
Sara was due around Valentine's Day and Paul's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Doe, were very excited, both about the grandkid and the fact that he could be born on a holiday. She was very against that and really really hoped that her son wouldn't be born on a holiday, even one as small as Valentine's day (her birthday sometimes falls on Easter and she hates it) because it might make him feel that "his day" isn't very much about him. Well, Mrs. Doe says something like "Well if you name him Valentine or Valentino then that'll make the day even more special to him!" Again, sister HATED the idea. She thought it was tacky, he'd be bullied for it, and just really didn't like the name Valentino. Paul loved it, but agreed to go with a more average name like Daniel or Jared.
Fast forward to February and she was ready to Get This Over With. Sara had officially been put on bed rest because while standing or walking her blood pressure took unexpected spikes and dips. I look back now and goodness do I feel bad for her. She was doing her best to avoid giving birth on Valentine's day because, again, she didn't want him born on a holiday. Unfortunately, births happen when they happen and that baby was going to come on Valentines day whether she wanted him to or not.
I remember waiting out in the waiting room with my dad, brothers, and Paul who couldn't stand to be in the delivery room because it was "gross". I was so mad that he could have gone in but wouldn't because he thought my sister was "gross" while giving birth, whereas I had to stay outside because I was "too young" to go in with my mom and other sister. Dad went home with the youngest two brothers while the oldest, Zeke, stayed to watch me because I refused to leave. 16 hours after Sara went into labor my little nephew was officially part of the family on the evening of Valentine's day.
Unfortunately, Sara was not okay. She had to have an emergency cesarean section and while doing the operation discovered that the back of her uterus (facing her spinal cord) had a very large and very severe (thankfully non-cancerous) tumor. When I say large I mean it was twice the size of a standard uterus. The doctors were shocked and didn't understand why nobody had noticed it on an ultrasound. It accounted for her severe backpain and blood pressure issues. The doctors immediately went in for more surgery to remove the tumor, but sadly ended up having to perform a full hysterectomy. This meant that my nephew would be Sara's only child.
Now while Sara was in for surgery Paul was taking care of everything baby related to make sure his son was okay. In my 14 year old self's memory I remember him being suitably distraught, but I didn't really pay him much mind and spent my time in the waiting room with my mother and other sister. Zeke, however, wanted to be a good future brother-in-law and make sure that Paul was okay. He found Paul filling out the baby paperwork on his own looking (in my brother's words) "like he had not a single worry in his mind". Zeke asked why Paul didn't wait for Sara to fill out the paperwork as she should have been put of surgery within the hour, and Paul said that he just wanted her to get her rest and heal. That checked out with Zeke, as he was 16 and didn't know any better at the time.
Now I know what you're probably thinking. "No, he wouldn't. He knows how much she hates that name. And still, she'd need to sign the paperwork too!" My fellow peoples of Reddit, I regret to inform you that Paul forged Sara's signature on the paperwork and waited until she was out of surgery to hand said paperwork over. My sweet nephew, that was born on Valentine's day, was named "Valentino" on his first official birth certificate. I still to this day don't know why Paul and his family were so insistent about the name. He had even picked out a different one with my sister! And before you ask, no he was never brought up on forgery charges because his parents were "witnesses" to her signing the papers, even though they only got there at the last minute.
So Sara dumped him and got her son's name changed a month later. She was willing to do split custody with him because that's her son's father and she wants the kid to know him, but Paul vanished and she never heard anything back, which seemed weirdly out of character to us. Until a mutual friend on Facebook was tagged in his wedding pictures 6 months later. Paul had apparently started cheating on her not long after she got pregnant. Sara was livid but there wasn't much she could do so she filed for child support and continued to liver her best life.
Until 6 years later. This is where the revenge starts, my friends. So Sara has been a single mother for the past 6 years and has been amazing at it. At this point in my career I've been a hairdresser for about 8 months at our local GreatClips. I'm working one day and who is seated before me but Jane, Paul's wife, herself. I take her back for a trim and she clearly has no idea who I am. That adds up because a mutual friend that still keeps in contact with Paul said that Jane doesn't know a thing. She has no idea about Sara, that she was the other woman, or that Paul actually has a kid that he's been (infrequently) paying child support for. She's in the dark on it all.
I told myself not to be an ass and treat her like a normal customer, which I did. Now at this point, Jane was heavily pregnant, so a lot of our conversation was about that. She loved being pregnant but it was hard, her husband was so unsympathetic (big shocker), and she was due in 10 weeks and they still hadn't picked out a name for their baby girl.
Ladies and gentlepeoples, this was my chance.
I asked what kind of name she was looking for and she said "I want something unique and unusual, but not ridiculous like Brayntleigheigh" (you know the ones I'm talking about) and Paul had suggested so many already and she didn't like ANY of them. So I, conniving little weasel I am, said "what about Sara?"
My sister's name isn't actually "Sara" she was named after an older family member that passed not long after she was born, but there was no female equivalent for his name so our parents created one. It's a beautiful name and just what Jane was looking for.
She loved it, she stuck by it, and I found out by stalking her Facebook months later that she had put her foot down about it and that was their daughter's name. Now Paul has a daughter with his ex's name to remind him every day about her (and to also remind him to pay his ******* child support).
Little nephew is 10 years old now with a new name and no contact with his biological father, though we do still sometimes call him Val as a family nickname. He likes it but doesn't want to bring it to school so it's staying a family nickname. Sara pretends to hate when we call him that, in a joking way. As long as he likes it she doesn't have a problem with it. And she's seeing a new guy who's really great and like a father to Val. :)
TL;DR: My sister's baby daddy forged her signature on paperwork while she was in surgery to name their son a name that she had been avidly against from the beginning, then broke all contact when she dumped him and married the girl he was cheating on her with while she was pregnant. 6 years later I meet his wife and convince her to name her daughter my sister's name because the wife has no idea my sister and her son exist.
(source) story by (/u/AngelGuideIndi)
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Liz After the Agency (September 2012 - September 2014)
So, Liz is spiraling. Her mental health isn’t doing great. And she was just asked to leave The Agency (presumably to take care of herself, although the public reason given was for her to start a solo career). Things are bad.
However, in the darkness, there’s always a light. And the light for Liz, in this case is her neighbor, Bryan Brown.
24 September 2012 - Liz and Bryan tweet at each other for the first time:
17 October 2012 - Taylor writes This Love:
Now, this COULD be about Liz, considering the back and forth. However, I’m more inclined to believe Taylor wrote this about Swiftgron’s first break up, right after they got back together, which you can read more about here.
The same day, Liz makes a vague tweet about jealousy:
It’s crazy weird to me that the same day Taylor is celebrating getting back together with Dianna and writing This Love, Liz is pissed off and jealous about something. Coincidence? Maybe. But I don’t think so.
22 October 2012 - Red is released. According to a later interview with the photographer who did the Red booklet (who happens to be Liz’s current roommate), Taylor based the concept of the photoshoot on some headshots they’d taken for Liz:
“Taylor is a mutual friend of ours. Stephen and his brother were friends with her years before, and I became friends with her separately. What ended up happening was one of her background singers needed headshots. When Taylor saw them a few months later, she came to me and was like, “Liz showed me the shots you took of her, and I need my album to look exactly like that.” Clearly, this was a no-brainer. I said, “OK!” Before then, I’d been kind of burned out on music photography. A lot of the shoots were super controlling. I needed a new perspective on the field itself and wanted future shoots to be very free-flowing — just the artist and a minimum crew. Luckily for Stephen and me, that’s exactly how Taylor presented the Red album shoot. So it was just the three of us shooting everything together. She wanted everybody else to remain off set, allowing for a more personal and intimate experience.”
So, I don’t know why Taylor did this. Maybe she wanted to look like a hipster for the Red album and Liz was the best she knew. Or, maybe, she wanted to scream to those who knew her well that this album was about LIZ HUETT.
In this series of Liz headshots, there’s also one specific photo of Liz wearing the Stevie Nicks moon necklace that Taylor possibly gave to her:
Is this possibly one of the reasons why Taylor wanted to mimic them for the Red album?
Later that day, Taylor goes on Good Morning America and says she wrote a new song “like two days ago” (probably talking about This Love?)
And after that, Taylor tells the LA Times that Begin Again and State of Grace are about the same person:
“There were a few track list choices I knew I was going to make way in advance,” she said. “I knew I wanted to bookend the album with ‘State of Grace’ and ‘Begin Again’ because they’re inspired by the same person who inspired a few songs on the record. I wanted to start and end the album with the first and last song I ever wrote about that relationship.”
“Then in between those songs, I wanted to paint a picture of the ups and downs I’ve experienced in life and love, not necessarily in the order it happened chronologically,” Swift continued. “I like to spread the emotions out in a way that never makes you feel like there’s a sad lull, then a burst of four songs in a row about joy. At the end of the day, I make a track list based on what my gut feeling tells me.” ‘Begin Again’ is my song version of a cliffhanger ending. Throughout the whole album, there have been songs about the trials and tribulations of love and loss, and there at the end of the record it starts all over. As soon as I wrote that song, I knew exactly where I wanted to put it.”
Now, I don’t think this means Begin Again is about Liz. I think it means that Liz is the past relationship in the song, and Dianna is the present. And Liz actually has a song called “Good About Her” that kind of mirrors Begin Again and I find that HILARIOUS and also kind of a smoking gun.
26 October 2012 -Taylor goes on Katie Couric. Katie asks if Taylor’s ex in WANEGBT got the message and Taylor says she “hasn’t heard from him since” and also mentions “some of my exes like to write really long emails.” Now, if the song is about Liz, this is a lie, because she definitely did get lunch with Liz after WANEGBT came out. However, I think it’s fair that what she’s hinting here is that things did not end well in that messy relationship.
25 October 2012 - Liz quote tweets Caitlin about crying on the treadmill to All Too Well :
8 November 2012 - Liz releases Never Know on YouTube:
youtube
The lyrics that make me think this is about Taylor are the “now and then I catch myself singing your old song.” ESPECIALLY in the context of that treadmill tweet and Liz probably having written this during her Nashville sessions over the summer. However, it could also be about Jason, who, as we know, was a struggling musician before he became a photographer.
18 November 2012 - Taylor shoots the MV for IKYWT, wears the same black and white shirt she wore around when Liz first joined the band. Liz calls the news of her leaving the Agency “bittersweet.”
And “bittersweet” is the exact same phrasing that around a week later Taylor would say the ex who most of Red is about used to describe listening to the album:
19 November 2012 - Ali Puliti tweets about listening to two Liz demos -- Blessed Are the Brokenhearted and Dammit, meaning this song, which wouldn’t be released until 2018, was likely written during those summer 2012 songwriting sessions:
When the song was eventually released by Jana Kramer in 2018, Liz posted this on Facebook:
The song also notably contains the lyric “cause I could hear you in the kitchen, playing your guitar” which REALLY REALLY makes me think of Taylor. Although it could maybe be for Jason, who was also a musician.
Here’s the story Liz told about the song:
“‘Dammit’, actually, was a story that I lived out. Like, I was with somebody I was, you know, getting very serious. We were talking about starting a life together and we even had this house, like, picked out in the city where we lived and we would drive by it and be like ‘one day when we buy that house’. And, so, when we broke up, the pain of, like, saying goodbye was really, you know, really intense, but it was also mourning the loss of the hypothetical future. So, it was like saying goodbye to the past memories and stuff, sort of what we almost had and that’s where that song came from. So, honestly, I didn’t write it for anyone else, but myself, truly. But, um, it’s beautiful that music has such a way of resonating with someone who might not even know and they connect with it so much that another artist would want to sing it. It’s such a high compliment.”
And here’s a quick clip of Liz singing it. So, seems like a Jason song, if not for the fact that she wrote it almost a year after they broke up and kept it hidden for years before eventually giving it to another artist.
13 December 2012 - Taylor’s birthday. Liz does not wish her happy birthday. This, to me, is the biggest evidence that there’s some amount of bad blood between them at this point.
14 December 2012 - The Music Video for IKYWT comes out. Taylor wears a shirt she wore a LOT when TayLiz was first a thing in 2009. She also wears a key necklace, which will be important later.
17 December 2012 - Liz posts a picture from Claire’s birthday party using a picture without Taylor in it (even though it seems fair to assume Taylor would’ve been invited).
20 December 2012 - Liz tells a fan her favorite song from Red is All Too Well:
21 December 2012 - Liz wishes Claire happy birthday. Further signaling bad blood with her and Taylor since she didn’t bother to do it for Taylor.
9 January 2013 - Liz releases Blessed Are the Brokenhearted:
youtube
Here she describes love as “burning up out of control” which is the same phrase Taylor used on Red -- “burning red” -- and Begin Again -- “I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end.” Also, the idea of love as an out of control flame really does describe their relationship.
20 January 2013 - Liz releases One Hand on the Wheel:
youtube
Here, much like in Red, Liz describes a relationship using the metaphor of a car. The relationship is messy, maybe even toxic. There’s even a lyric that sounds like it could be out of treacherous: “Being wrong shouldn’t feel so right like it does / But it does.”
22 January 2013 - Liz releases Wreck of Who I Am.
youtube
This is the song that is the strongest evidence for me that Liz WAS going through some mental health stuff over the summer when she was doing all this songwriting, and that that Reddit post about running into a drunk Liz who said she was fired for being “out of control” seems somewhat accurate. Here Liz sings about her battles, the way she’s losing them, and asks her younger self what she would think if she saw her now.
I’m not going to go into too much detail on Liz and Bryan (since unlike her and Jason there’s no need to use them to say much about TayLiz) but, despite his flaws, he was the person to pick Liz up off the ground when she was feeling this way, so he should get some credit for that.
Sometime around this - Liz releases Stones. Similar upbeat nature to Blessed Are the Brokenhearted with mentions to some of the struggles of Wreck of Who I Am.
Choice Lyrics:
When you’re knocked off your throne
And lying on your back
Things will never be so clear
Cause when you see it all like that
Sooner or later it comes around
Yeah we all taste that bitter truth
But all the stones you’re throwing now
Will be the ones they throw at you
Also with these batch of songs, we get Sun Out of the Rain:
So baby, hold on, the storm will roll away
It may be pouring down, but it’s only for today
A million pieces might be falling into place
And when there are no words to say
We’ll make the sun out of the rain
29 January 2013 - Chantelle Paige posts a picture of Liz and Taylor and talks about a “sad night turned awesome.” Once again, I think this is a throwback from that night in 2012.
2 April 2013 - Liz goes to therapy. Her and Bryan are dating at this point.
2 September 2013 - Liz tells a fan on twitter that she hasn’t been to any of the Red shows, which to me definitely backs up that fan account of Liz being bitter about being fired.
23 December 2013 - Liz wishes Taylor Happy Birthday. This seems like a peace offering to me, considering they haven’t spoken in like a year and she refused to do this the earlier year. Also worth noting that Swiftgron is on its last legs at this point.
1 March 2014 - Sara Evans releases Put My Heart Down, which was co-written by Liz and is about walking away from a toxic relationship:
youtube
Now, from what I know of Liz and Jason, this doesn’t seem like their dynamic at all. It’s too soon for it to be about her and Bryan However, it does remind me a LOT of what Taylor was writing about on Red. Her are some choice lyrics:
I never pictured us fighting this much
Thought we were figured out, but it’s so messy now
Your words cut so deep and I think you should leave
Put my heart down and walk away
This kind of love is dangerous
So pack up all your things, just leave some air to breathe
A million toxic tears fallin’ like rain over here
This is the final hour
The end of our story tonight
And I don’t wanna fight
Now, please go listen to Treacherous, Battle/Let’s Go and Story of Us and tell me this is not the same relationship.
Bonus though, this song is copyrighted for 2014, making it make even LESS SENSE for it to be written about Bryan.
17 July 2014 - Timothy James Brown releases a song called Change My Mind that was co-written by Liz. I’m out of video links, so here are some choice lyrics:
All the horses became soldiers
Dark as night to drag me away
A complicated kind of heartbreak
When you promise somebody you’ll stay
I know you’ve been hurting
I know more than most
I don’t have the courage
Where you’re going, I can’t follow
To me, this reads as Liz making peace with leaving the Agency. She recognizes her demons, and how they ruined her relationship with Taylor, and says “where you’re going, I can’t follow” because she’s not in a good enough place to keep touring with Taylor.
So things are looking bleak in TayLiz land. However, Liz seems to be recovering! She’s writing songs acknowledging some problems in the relationship and her own battles, and she’s also in therapy and dating Bryan. It’s time for some reconciliation. But first, let’s see what’s up in Taylor-land:
Liz References on the Red Tour
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How to Download Marvel comics for free!
I’ve been thinking about writing this for a while especially since we’re all stick inside but last week Marvel made the shitty decision to transition various print titles to digital only, meaning they’re directly taking revenue away from local shops rather than delay the titles, so since Marvel thinks digital comics is such a cool idea I’m gonna show you how to download as many as you’d like! (oh also this is for windows only, idk how to do it if you own a mac but also you’re rich anyways so who cares buy the comics richie)
I don’t want to take money away from the people that need it, not the actual companies of Marvel and DC fuck them they’re dying and they deserve it, but for my own rationalizing I want to take a minute to plug the Hero Initiative, basically what it is an organization that provides for comic creators that are having hard times, comics are a rough industry and you don’t get into it to get rich, I won’t go into it too much you can read for yourself but it’s been endorsed by Stan Lee, Justin Ponsor, Mike Grell, Skottie Young, Rags Morales, a lot of big names, so I’d ask if you do follow this guide and download some comics for free please consider donating to the Hero Initiative (they also sell autographed prints and you can commission some really famous artists)
anyways onto the good stuff! I’m going to be doing a fairly brief but easy to follow guide, there will be links at the bottom of the post so look for those, I’ll probably be making a few other posts with some more info so also check back for those if my blog is still here
What do I need?
You’re going to need 4 basic things if you want to do this as easily and safely as you can
1) a good anti-virus
2) anonymous web browser (Tor)
4) a safe and reliable source for the comics
4) a torrent program to download the comics
Also optional: VPN
Anti-Virus
it’s good to remember when torrenting that no one is your friend, everyone is out to trick you and no one cares, honestly you should also have a good anti-virus though, I’m not really gonna tell you which one you should have but Norton 360 is pretty good but say that in a room of CS majors is the quickest way to start a fist fight, honestly just google it, you’re gonna have to do some research, but really you’re good as long as you don’t go with Avast or Kaspersky, I’m going to go over typical tricks and traps later to ensure safety, this is just basic overall security thing
Anonymous Web Browser (Tor)
next we’re gonna download Tor (you can do this before getting a VPN, like I said either one is going to put you on a list but using one to cover you getting the other at least mitigates it lol) Tor is a great open source project that allows for basically complete anonymous web browsing, it’s a project dedicated to privacy and disruption of corporations ability to control every aspect of our lives, also a friend of mine bought K off silk road with it once in highschool, really not too much you need to know about it before using it, just download it, let it configure and you’re good, also use Duck Duck go that it comes with, don’t switch it to chrome or anything, Duck Duck go is anonymous search service which better lends to Tor’s protection
Where to get the torrents
Now this is really important because you can have everything else set up but without a safe reliable source none of this is gonna do any good, but this is the dangerous part, torrent sites are notorious traps (I bricked more than on family PC on limewire) and this is why I said earlier to remember these people are not your friends and are out to hurt you, don’t click banner ads, don’t believe pop ups, make sure your virus protection is on and it’s a very good idea to have an adblocker on, also look out for another post I’ll be making on what download buttons to trust for different popular torrent sites
when talking comics (and remember specifically only Marvel comics) there’s no other name out there than Nemesis43, he is a god and he’s going to be your new best friend, there are groups and sites out there that do comic scans that you have to pay to join or like apply to join, that shit’s dumb as hell and I’ve never used them once and I’ve got more comic than I can read in my lifetime, you don’t need em and you especially don’t need to give them money, donate to the Hero Initiative instead
Nemesis has moved around a bit in the past (if you remember the WWT debacle) right now the main site for him is ettv (there will be a link at the end of the post) sites a bit barren but he’s there, he also has a reddit he gives updates on very rarely, generally if he moves he adds where his new home is in a text doc in his recent uploads, I fully trust him and his uploads, he’s been doing this for years and I’d never have a second thought downloading from him, also because he uploads so much he’s often very highly rated and verified on whatever site he’s on
The second place I’d recommend is getcomic (again there will be a link at the end), now this is very important, never donate to them, they kinda suck, basically they’re plugged into a bunch of different scanner groups and just steal those scans and put them up and then ask for donations, basically they’re just an aggregate (Nem kinda is too but he doesn’t ask for donations and stuff), they usually use browser downloads which are a complete pain so I’d really recommend Nemesis over them but they do have TheComicGuy on torrent galaxy for larger files but that updates a lot less frequently then the main site, again I trust these guys (as long as you’re on the actual site) but don’t trust any banner ads or pop ups, also for downloading they give multiple options, a lot are very sketchy, just use the main server
also there’s other sites like readcomics or newcomics, never used em, don’t like em, use at your own behest
On sites like ettv you’re gonna want to use the magnet, someone years ago told me it was safer and I just believed them and have always used em, not sure if it’s true but it’s worked so whatever, really you shouldn’t be too worried about this stuff and if you follow this guide you’re going to be way over prepared to download comics, really no one cares about comic torrenting, movies, video games, tv shows that’s the stuff people really get caught on, this is just nerd shit
I’m going to be making another post showing how to use these sites, and other sites comic can be found on so look back at my blog for that
Torrent program
This is pretty basic, just get utorrent, it’s what I’ve always used, it works, whatever, definitely look this up with a VPN on or on Tor, it’s simple to use, I’ll be doing a short tutorial on how to make it even safer
Lastly this one is optional but a pretty good idea, for more than just this
VPN aka Virtual Privacy Network
honestly you can get the anonymous web browser (Tor) or the VPN first, their both going to help cover you downloading the other and honestly both are going to put you on a list for googling them (which is why I suggest looking for someone who just already has the .exes ((I always keep them on a thumbdrive for when I have to reset one of my computers)), I might try to make a google drive with em but also I might not bc that sounds like work and I’m already typing all this up), anyways I’m not really gonna explain what a VPN is, there’s a lot of resources that can explain it better than I can but basically it masks what you do on the internet, there’s a lot of choices when picking a VPN but the big thing I looked for when choosing mine was 1) non-US based so it’s harder for US investigation agencies to request stuff for them or get anything from them 2) one that doesn’t keep logs, honestly they all do even if they say they don’t, but you wanna look for one that hasn’t turned over many logs to US agencies and 3) unlimited peer 2 peer connections which is complicated but basically means you can torrent stuff anonymously and with decent speed. Like Anti-Virus there are a ton of different VPN’s out there, you really have to do research because there are actual accounts of FBI agencies crating VPN’s telling people they’re anonymous when really they had direct access to all the info, I haven’t done any research but NordVPN seems kinda like one of these, really the more they advertise the more suspicious I am, Just google “best vpn 2020″ and look at like 5 lists and read the the stuff, personally I use IPvanish which unfortunately is US based and while it gave over logs in 2016 even thought they said they didn’t keep any but now they’re owned by a new company that super double promises they don’t (again who cares they all do) but they’ve allow P2P and use 256-bit AES encryption
I wanna take a second to mention that this isn’t going to be free, this is the only place you’re going to be spending money (besides donating to Heroe Initative of course), a good VPN is about $100 a year which all in all isn’t terrible, technically you can just get by on the anonymous browser but this gives you an extra layer of security to pretty much ensure you won’t get caught and plus in the ever worsening internet hell world a VPN is becoming more and more important, I’m sure you can find articles about it but yea you don’t technically need a VPN but it’s useful for more than just this
How to work it all
Ok so this is gonna be a little stream of consciousness, as this all kinda has been, so sorry but I’m gonna try and explain it as best I can and also feel free to ask any questions on this blog, I’ll check back eventually I’m sure
So first thing first, make sure you’re virus protection is on and you’re connected on your VPN if you’re using it (you can google “what is my IP” to double check it’s working) then load up Tor, let it load and connect up and whatever, then go to https://www.ettvdl.com/user/Nemesis43 (I’m just gonna show this with Nemesis43, maybe I’ll make another one for getcomics but that’s pretty straight forward, also nem is better)
now remember we’re only here for Marvel comics, so scroll past all those thousands of other comics this would work exactly the same for, I’m gonna go for Ant-Man #4 which was released on the 13 as a digital only comic despite the first three issues being physical copies and now sit on my shelf forever unfinished making me look like a complete penis
it may take a while but it’s going to look like this, click on the blue words, it’s gonna take you to a page that looks like this
now from here we’re going to get the magnet link, right click and select copy link address, I like doing this because it limits my interactions with the page, note the advertisement at the top telling me I need a VPN despite thinking I’m in Guadalajara (which for legal reasons I am)
just copy that and then go to utorrent and click the add link
it’ll open a little box, it should add the link automatically, if it doesn’t just hit ctrl+V
hit ok and it’ll load it up, it might need to download some metadata but after that it should be good, oh also it might bring up a window basically asking where you want to save it and what to name it, you can set all that up in preferences, I did so I just turned that window off and can’t be assed to turn it back on, just hit ok if you don’t wanna bother with that stuff, it’ll go into your downloads by default
and that’s it really, it’s that easy, I might make another thing talking about how to make utorrent more anonymous or whatever so look for that, but stock it’s fine, also when it’s finished downloading it’s gonna start seeding (like uploading to someone else) I’ve always been a scumbag and I never seed but Nemesis seeds stuff so much you really don’t need to anyways, just select it and hit the stop button (the black square on the tool bar)
here are all the links I could think of
Hero Initiative
download Tor
here’s a guide for VPNs
download utorrent
song I found recently that I like
getcomics
Nemesis
so yea that’s pretty much the basics, be smart, be safe, any viruses you get are on you but I hope you found this helpful and feel free to ask any questions
oh and also this is all parody and I’ve never actually torrented anything, I don’t even own a computer
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The TJLC Debacle: 3 years out from S4 and counting; the copyright mini-theory; so much salt I’m bloated; but in the end, there is peace (I love you Johnlockers)
Ugh, don't even talk to me about Mary.
Don't even talk to me about the way Mofftiss have said they're sick of responding to fans on the subject of Johnlock. Of how they've said they're "not telling anyone else what to think or write about them" (as if they could stop us; as if they even own Sherlock themselves. Do keep reading, because this point becomes much more relevant and in-jokey later on). Don't even mention how they've bitched and whined incessantly because--god forbid--fans got *really really* into their show and emotionally invested.
They're so eager to discount all the beautiful little moments they wrote as accidents. And Arwel, who planted all those props, continually demonstrates that he's on their side (a not-very in-depth-analysis of his Instagram account and the way he interacted with fans towards the beginning of the pandemic showed as much, but I think maybe he’s grown a bit wiser and quieter since at least in terms of Johnlock and all things elephant-related. I don’t know for sure because I stopped looking.)
Anyway--they'd actually prefer for us to celebrate our own intelligence, is I suppose a charitable way of looking at it: our ability to make connections between things in the show; our metas on symbolism; our insightful fanfic; etc., and denounce them as the bad writers that they ultimately are.
More under the cut.
(This post may be of interest to you especially if you came to the fandom a bit later: multiple links to things of relevance/quotes/explanations appear both within and at the end of this entry.)
Because what makes a writer good?
Well, an ability to make people feel an emotional connection to their work, for one. I know this is just my own perspective, but if not for Johnlock, all my emotion about the show would evaporate. There wouldn't be much else there. Other people might get something, but I wouldn’t. Is some of the writing witty and entertaining regardless of any inferred/implied Johnlock? Yeah but, eh, a lot of shows have some good writing and I just don’t give a damn about them.
What makes a writer good?
Not making promises to the reader/viewer that they'll never keep. Plot holes, leading dialogue ("There’s stuff you wanted to say...but didn’t say it.” “Yeah”) never followed through on, puns that are apparently, I suppose, unintentional (e.g. "'Previous' commander?" "I meant 'ex'").
Uh, not writing continual gay jokes that aren't actually pointing toward the inference that people are making them because there's actually something going on there under the surface. (How about just don't make those jokes ever.)
Not being, apparently, oblivious (? questionable) to the queerbaiting they're engaging in *as they’re writing it.*
Acting like their LGBT audience is in the wrong/the bad guy, instead of choosing to remain respectful in the face of dissent. Instead it's just, "we never wrote it that way" / "We never played it that way."
A lot of those other mildly witty shows don’t actually blatantly drag their most passionate fans face-down through the mud the writers themselves created. Imagine that.
I'm not even a fan of Martin Freeman anymore, for the way he handled the whole thing (getting angry, the comments he made about how the fans made Sherlock “not fun anymore”...apparently Martin’s packing up his crayons and going home?)...no offense to anyone who is still a fan of his. I don’t make it a habit to drag him. I do to some degree understand his frustration with having the whole situation taken out on him--he’s just an actor in the show--but I simply wish he’d remained as cool and professional about it as Benedict Cumberbatch instead of pointing at the fans. You’re pointing in the wrong direction, mate.
What also irks me at the end of the day is this: the subsection of people who legitimately responded badly to the TJLC/S4 debacle and went above and beyond to harass the writers and actors/actresses on social media are *few and far between*, but we've been lumped in with them by what feels like...everyone, Martin included. TJLCers/Johnlockers (not the same group, but often treated as such) have been made to look like a bunch of rambunctious, immature, demanding children time and time and again in the wake of S4.
They'd rather, what, suggest John was so in love with Mary? THAT was the relationship they wanted to uphold in that show as so significant and...what, a demonstration of how honorable it is to respect your heterosexual relationship despite, you know...ANYTHING?
Yeah sorry, I don’t believe in that. John’s text-based affair, whether a disappointment for some as to his supposed character, was a very human reaction and I kinda sorta feel like I would have reacted MUCH more strongly than that had I been John. But nope. He stayed with Mary and was *ashamed* of his wandering eye. Ashamed that maybe he wanted to be admired by someone. I can’t think of a scene, off the top of my head, where Mary ever interacted with John without belittling him in some way--if not with words, then with consistently patronizing glances.
The message here is that heterosexuality is not just acceptable, but VALUABLE, however it manifests--but god forbid anyone see a queer subtext. (Why are lgbt+ writers some of the very WORST offenders where this is concerned? And they defend it! Is this childhood nostalgia/Stockholm Syndrome of the very fondest variety or what? Gay angst is all they got if they got anything at all, so it’s still good enough as far as “representation” goes?)
They really want to tell the story of John as so emotionally/mentally fucked up that he surrounds himself with unstable people time and again. They never give any reason *why* he might do that (which they could have done even soooo subtly), or delve into his past--just, apparently it's okay to assume that Sherlock's comment about "she's like that because you chose her" is exactly that.
No. Sherlock and Mary are NOT the same. Not...*remotely*!
Mary is underhanded and evil. She lies. She manipulates. She schemes. Her “love” is based on selfishness, and her assumption that John is a simpleton and hers to mold. She's in it for herself.
Sherlock hides. He prevaricates. He feels. He loves John. He does fucked up things in the name of love, but always for the benefit of those he loves. When he screws up, which he obviously does, it’s painful to us as the audience because we see that it is painful for him when he recognizes and regrets it.
I have never seen Mary regret anything. Those crocodile tears at Christmas? More manipulation. Inconsistent with anything else we were shown about her as a character.
To even think for a SECOND that people could ship Mary and John and mentally condemn John for cheating on Mary AFTER SHE SHOT HIS BEST FRIEND...as if marriage is the be-all-end-all free pass in which every sin must be forgiven until the end of time...as if John broke any covenant with his wife beyond those she broke from the very moment she walked into his life *with an entire fake past.* Is just. Well. It's asking us to accept gaslighting as healthy, loving, normal, *preferable* behavior, so...given the source that message is coming from, it's all a bit meta.
THAT. Is insanity. Maybe Mofftiss are the sociopaths.
How these men could write characters they themselves understand so little (or tell us they understand so little because their emotional maturity has yet to surpass that of the average three-year-old’s), I will never know. I can only imagine that they have absorbed, by osmosis over their lives, real and nuanced human behavior...then churned it back out again in their writing unaware, a bit like psychopaths who teach themselves what "normal" people do so that they can pass as psychologically sound in regular society.
Remember, we *are* talking about men who do these sorts of things:
Moffat says that Sherlock is celibate and that people who claim he's misogynistic when he does things like make Irene Adler imply she's attracted to the detective (even though she's a lesbian) are, ironically, "deeply offensive" (despite lines like "look at us both" in Battersea. We aren't your therapists, Moffat--we don't care what you meant, we care what you said, and what you *said* was clear. *Implying* it does not let you off the hook).
Gatiss has proclaimed that "I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting" than the idea of ever making a show addressing LGBT issues. (That link is to a reddit forum, and I can't find the original interview anymore, but I assure you I had seen the actual article myself ages back and can't find it online again now along with some of the Martin quotes I wanted to link to. And nevermind what Gatiss has done with LGBT shows/issues since--my focus here is on what he has said, versus what he and Moffat have since claimed regarding their queerbaiting.)
Here’s a transcript of this screenshot:
"...many people come up and say they didn't realise." Despite this lack of public awareness, being part of the gay community is clearly important to Gatiss: "The older I get the more I want to give something back. I mean, I keep meaning to do something." When asked if he'd be interested in making a series about gay issues his response was enlightening:
"No, I don't think I'd make a kind of gay programme. It's much more interesting when it's not about a single issue. And equally, I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting. Of course this reflects the grand picture of everyone's strange make-up; there are good gay people and bad gay people. I wouldn't like to make an issue film around the culture of being gay."
Instead Gatiss' interest seems to lie in making a drama where sexuality is, if not mundane, part of the wider framework: "I'd quite like to do something about a quite happy, ordinary gay person who's just incidentally gay. For example, a three-part thriller for ITV where the lead character just happens to be gay; when they finally go home, say 45 minutes in, and they had a same sex partner. That to me would be genuinely progressive. It wouldn't be a three-part gay thriller for ITV. It would be that this character just happened to be gay."
--End article quote.
And instead, who is canonically gay in the series? Well, Irene Adler. The innkeepers at the Cross Keys. And perhaps most notably, the *villains*, because that's a helpful trope: Moriarty and Eurus are, in S4, both implied to be at least bisexual.
Any character should be able to be any sexuality, this is true. But can we have some main characters, the good guys, give some good representation? Can't we start making that the standard, rather than the villains and the background characters? Because so far, that is the exception and not the rule.
Writers need to be aware of the damage they are perpetuating. We are not quite in a world yet where any character should be able to be any sexuality but isn't, yet we have no problem with saying the villain is LGBT+ or looks different/functions differently than much of the viewing audience.
"Male friendship is important and valid, not everything has to be gay"--this is a popular point with casual heterosexual viewers (and, to my chagrin, some of my LGBT+ friends) who don't fully grasp what "queerbaiting" is, often even when it's pointed out to them.
The lens of heterosexuality is real. My first time through watching BBC Sherlock, I didn't see the Johnlock at all. I had to look for it and read about it. When I saw it, the lens was lifted for me, and it changed my life and the way I view things forever (and for the best).
But back to my point about how little Mofftiss seem to understand their own story/most ardent fans, and then on to my other theory: in S4 it must be that they dropped their “psychopaths emulating empathy” act and indulged in their own "insane wish fulfillment" by doing away with all of the meaning, continuity, and sense. Right?
So, here’s the alternate theory. One which is not, please remember, in their defense.
Remember that S4 is what Mofftiss are *happy* to have us believe is what they'd do with these characters, given the chance to do whatever they wanted. I repeat, in Moffat’s own words: “Insane wish fulfillment.”
Okay I get it, this pasta has been over-salted.
Without further delay: MY COPYRIGHT RESEARCH THEORY THAT EVEN I DON'T PUT MUCH STOCK IN AND WHICH DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR THEIR CRUELTY EVEN IF TRUE
Part of me also raises an eyebrow at S4 as perhaps an example of the effect of the Conan Doyle estate on any modern production in the US. While it’s true that all of Sherlock is part of public domain in the UK and has been for quite a long time, Gatiss and Moffat still talk about it being partially under copyright. Specifically, the last 10 stories. I’m supposing that this means that because Sherlock airs internationally, or due to whatever contract the BBC has with the Doyle estate, they are still limited by the copyright as to what they can “publish”.
The Doyle estate is known for being a pain in the ass when it comes to abiding by copyright law as everyone else knows and practices it. They’ve tried to argue, for example (in 2013 and, much more recently, with the advent of Enola Holmes), that because Holmes and Watson were not fully developed as their final selves until the conclusion of all 10 stories still under copyright, then perhaps the characters themselves should still be protected, basically, in full.
It’s true that certain elements of the remaining stories are still under copyright here in the US (Watson had more than one wife--uh huh, we have that to look forward to, Johnlockers; the Garridebs moment is still under copyright--yeah, I’m getting to that too; and Sherlock didn’t care much for dogs til later so that’s not allowed either, fuck off Redbeard), but the estate’s problem in 2013 seemed to be based around a fear that *gasp* some day--if not right now!--anyone could write a Sherlock Holmes story in any way they pleased, changing the characters however they wished to and giving those characters “multiple personalities.”
See the following excerpt from the Estate’s case:
“...at any given point in their fictional lives, the two men's characters depend on the Ten Stories. It is impossible to split the characters into public domain versions and complete versions.”
(Click for full transcript.)
Obviously, by this point, that’s been done in multiple iterations. So I dunno. Their argument was *more* than muddy to begin with--they just grasp at straws to stay in control, it seems.
But okay. Backing up: wasn’t there sort-of a Garridebs moment in S4?!?? you cry. Yep. But imagine this: the Conan Doyle estate taking Mofftiss to court to argue that they depicted the Garridebs moment--a moment still under copyright--in The Final Problem.
Did they, though? Did they really?
The fandom cried out about the ridiculousness--the utter disappointment--of that moment when it was shown. It was not what we would have expected/wanted. We didn’t see John injured, Sherlock reacting with tender outrage to the good doctor’s attacker.
Instead we saw some ludicrous BS that was as bad as the clown with the sword-gun-umbrella. More of that.
I think Martin probably found that it was easy to produce real tears when he thought about how fucking terrible the S4 scripts were.
Ahem. Yet, this all seems very Mofftiss-flavored in terms of humor.
I can all-too-easily imagine them saying, “HA. We’re going to show some of these supposedly copyrighted things--and if they take us to court, they’ll be laughed out of the room.” Could that explain some of the overall S4 fuckery?
Sherlock wasn’t supposed to like dogs til later stories, as previously mentioned-- is that why Redbeard pulled a “Cinderella’s carriage” and transformed into a pumpkin (Victor Trevor)? Hmm. Sigh.
It...doesn’t actually appear that the estate has any qualms about taking laughable stuff to court, I mean...*shrug.* They have the money to do it, and money is the name of the game, because you’ve got to pay for rights (cha-ching sounds).
Yep, it does seem that the estate is open to the copyrighted materials being made reality, but who knows for what price or with what caveats. The BBC isn’t, so far as I’ve ever heard, known for throwing money around. Early Doctor Who would be so much less entertaining if they’d had any sort of budget. (And in fact, more of the older episodes would exist, but apparently the BBC--in part to cut costs--reused some of their tapes.)
My bottom-line bitter is this: Mofftiss do like to amuse themselves. To please themselves and no one else, as they’ve shown time and again. Sure, they could do whatever they wanted with S4...and they did...but they were also cruel about it, and that’s what I’ll never forgive them--OR the BBC--for.
A lot of fans gave up after series 4. I was very nearly one of them. I was angry, like just about every other Johnlocker and/or TJLCer, but I was really truly heartbroken. I couldn’t look at fanfiction. My days were full of bitterness and I keenly felt the lack of the fandom outlet that had become so essential to my mental well-being. I didn't know how to overcome the disparity between TJLC and what the show actually was. I didn't know how to separate the things I loved so much from the shitty writers and the way the BBC handled things with their whole response letter (that atrocious, childish blanket response they sent to everyone who complained about S4, not just the Johnlockers/TJLCers. Related to your complaint or not, if you filed one post-S4, this was the response you got). I still boycott BBC shows/merchandise, just by the way.
I tried to link to the blanket response letter but the link didn’t want to work (it’s an old reddit post; I had difficulty finding a copy of the letter elsewhere though at one point it wasn’t so hard...Google is weird these days y’all...tell me it’s not just me) so here’s a screenshot:
Transcript:
“Thank you for contacting us about “Sherlock”.
The BBC and Hartswood Films have received feedback from some viewers who were disappointed there was not a romantic resolution to the relationship between Sherlcok and John in the finale of the latest season of “Sherlock”.
We are aware that the majority of this feedback uses the same text posted on websites and circulated on social media.
Through four series and thirteen episodes, Sherlock and John have never shown any romantic or sexual interest in each other. Furthermore, whenever the creators of “Sherlock” have been asked by fans if the relationship might develop in that direction, they have always made it clear that it would not.
Sherlock’s writers, cast and producers have long been firm and vocal supporters of LGBT rights.
The BBC does not accept the allegations leveled at “Sherlock” or its writers, and we wholeheartedly support the creative freedom of the writers to develop the story as they see fit.
We will of course register your disappointment.
Thank you for contacting us.
Kind Regards,
BBC Complaints Team
So how about that? *Did* they “register our disappointment”? We can actually check that. The BBC’s website has a monthly summary of complaints received. So what did they receive in January 2017, the month S4 aired?
Huh, what do you know. Sounds like that blanket response was exactly the “fuck you” it came across as.
But the show--the FANDOM--had filled a need in my life, and so I had to own that and make it mine, or just...let something in me die: something that felt like an actual vital organ. I had to decide that these characters mean something to me beyond what anyone else tells me they should. I had to accept my own perceptions as truth, as I do with everything else in my life. I had to overcome the idea of canon as law (BBC Sherlock isn't canon anyway; ACD is canon. BBC Sherlock is, in the end, badly written fanfiction--or--worse?--decent pre-slash fanfiction distorted by consistent lies and the hazing of the LGBT audience, topped with the dumpster fire of S4′s incoherent nonsense).
I had to take the good and throw away the bad, just like anyone else who chose to stay. The good bits of the show...dialogue, yes. Plot points, yes. These awful writers did write some good stuff sometimes.
They just broke all the unspoken rules of what not to do to your audience. And then did and said everything they could not to apologize, and to justify their own failings. Which, in the years since I began shipping queer ships beyond any others, I have unfortunately experienced more than once.
So, my vulnerability has been yeeted into the vacuum of broke-my-trustdom: no one can tell me what things should mean to me. I will decide.
I decide that all of the FUCKING AMAZING writing in the Sherlock fandom is a staple in my life that makes it worth living. And that that's okay. And takes precedence over anything the writers or anyone else associated with the show could ever say or do.
Johnlock can not be taken away. It doesn't belong to them. It never did, even if they brought us to it. It belongs to us. To the group of amazingly creative, brainy, empathetic, resourceful, vibrant, resilient people who make up this fandom.
So thank YOU, all of YOU, for giving me Sherlock, Johnlock, and TJLC.
I am SO SAD for those who never found a way to make peace with this fandom again. Let me just say that I understand that inability entirely.
I am fortunate that I found the ability in myself to cling to the joy (something it has taken my whole life to be able to do). I hope others will who haven’t yet but wish they could.
Let Mofftiss and whoever sides with them stay angry and bitter and vicious, always looking over their shoulders for anyone who dares to whisper about subtext.
I’m proud to be part of what they’re whispering so angrily about.
Thanks for sticking it out if you made it this far. I know this was very self-indulgent and rambly.
Articles of interest:
A Study in Queerbaiting (Or How Sherlock Got it All Wrong) by Marty Greyson
“We never played it like that.” - Martin on Johnlock
Henry Cavill on the Enola Holmes lawsuit
More on that--and by the way Sherlock isn’t allowed to like dogs
The way Sherlock creators told fans Sherlock & John aren’t gay is so rude
Especially for those new to the fandom who may not know the distinction between TJLC and Johnlockers and want to know more about TJLC's evolution/what it is/meta through the years
Moffat's view on asexuality, offensive to me in particular *as* an asexual person (same article where he claims he isn't misogynistic): "If he was asexual, there would be no tension in that, no fun in that – it's someone who abstains who's interesting."
Yet he says Sherlock isn't gay or straight and that he's trying to keep his brain pure which is a "very Victorian attitude"
(Nice historical research there, Moff--actually the Victorians were sex-positive).
Sherlock fans were robbed of the gay ending they deserved
Benedict Cumberbatch has lashed out at his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman over his negative attitude towards fans
BBC complaints January 2017
Martin Freeman: 'Sherlock is gayest story ever'
From 2016: UNPOPULAR OPINION: "Sherlock" Isn't Sexist or Queerbaiting; It's Actually Trying to Stage a Revolution
Queer-baiting on the BBC's Sherlock: Addressing the Invalidation of Queer Identities through Online Fan Fiction Communities by Cassidy Sheehan
#bbc sherlock#bbc sherlock salt#sherlock s4#sherlock holmes#acd#john watson#sherlock copyright#mofftiss#queerbaiting#johnlock#tjlc#johnlock fanfiction#fandom#writing#fandom life#sherlock fandom#tjlc fandom#johnlock fandom#sorry for the salt sometimes you just need somewhere to put it all#the bbc
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Umm the musican that gets famous and ups and leaves for ~*personal reasons*~ is most definitely Zuko and there was 100% some sort of misunderstanding between him and Sokka that led him to wrongly believe that Sokka wanted him gone. Zuko left bc of Ozai issues but he stayed away and out of touch bc of this. He ofc is still in contact w uncle and finally decides one day that he's ready to go back to visit uncle. And this leads us to Sokka being the jaded lover who moves on before the musican comes back home suddenly into their life again, and he definitely finally just started to settle into a real relationship with Suki after a very long time of just being depressed about Zuko leaving. Now Zuko's back and at first its awkward but then suddenly theyre hanging out all the time and all the feelings come rushing back like a tidal wave but Sokkas still dating Suki and he still doesn't know how zuko feels so he just ignores all the subconscious feels. And then him and Zuko get into a fight thats really over nothing important and blown way out of proportion and after sokka is mopey for a few days suki sits him down and tells him that she is dumping him bc first of all she cannot handle this kind of mopeyness in a relationship capacity and really believes they'll be better off as friends, second of all shes fairly certain she prefers girls over guys and thirdly sokka and zuko are clearly in love and she is tired of watching their failed communications. Sokka just sputters and argues at first but then realizes shes right and he finally finally goes and confesses to zuko and they now live happily ever after.
Don't mind my 4 am rant of a plot, I honestly have no idea what I just wrote🙈
INTERESTING (context: this post)
First of all, do not apologise, that was so fun to read and I live for people sharing their plots and headcanons with me.
Second of all, let’s discuss.
So, yeah, I can deffo see Zuko wanting a fresh start from all the Ozai nonsense, absolutely. Assuming they’re romantically involved prior to his leaving, does Sokka know about Ozai being a shithead then? Or has Zuko kept that a (albeit very well kept) secret/played it down? Does he tell Sokka why he’s leaving? I know you said he misunderstands and assumes Sokka wants him gone - but does Sokka ever get told this, get closure for getting left, or just a vague answer? (Would Zuko be too embarrassed to tell him? Wanting to appear composed and dignified?) Piggybacking off that, I wonder if he goes to Azula (if she’s around) at any point? Tries to garner some clues from there. I wonder what she’d say.
The palatable awkwardness their group of friends would feel - god. ‘Dear Reddit, one of my best friends has returned from tour and his ex-lover/another one of our best friends is still salty about it despite the fact friend #1 is clearly still in love with him and feels terrible about the whole ordeal. AITA for telling them both to suck it up?’ I cannot imagine group boardgame nights would ever be the same.
Also, we LOVE a dramatic fight over nothing. The backbone of angsty romance fics. Yelling until someone says something stupid like “BUT I LOVED YOU” and then just stunned silence. Chefs kiss. Great trope.
Suki being the one to slap sense into Sokka is very on brand plus I love her sudden realisation that she wants to explore dating women - it’s a learning experience for everyone! I think sometimes in canon Suki knows Sokka better than he knows himself so, yeah, this tracks. I, too, would be at my wits end, if my boyfriend, whom I’ve drifted from romantically (but still care deeply about), was that hopelessly oblivious to his own repressed emotions.
Tell me about the Zuko/Sokka reconciliation! I wonder how that would go? Another screaming match segueing into confessions? A meet up at an old date spot? I’m thinking: somewhere they used to go to get away from everything and just be, and one of them finds the other there. And then what, I wonder? Does Sokka go back with Zuko to his fast-paced life style? Does Zuko decide to trade it in once and for all for a quieter life now he’s seen the other side? Did he ever really like it anyway? Or did he discover a part of himself he didn’t know he had? If we’re in it for the long game, would this cause another rift? Or would we be in the situation with two sappy boyfriends both ready to drop absolutely everything for the other one because they’ve learnt that ✨love is all that matters in the end✨? MANY thoughts, many.
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I mean to ask this genuinely, no hostility, but can you explain how you correlate scp to being in a cult? I dont disagree, I just cant articulate the reasoning as to why I dont disagree, and would like to see where youre coming from with this. Also, could you tag it with cults or cult discussion or something similar, please? Thanks! Have a good day.
OK [cracks knuckles] I will try and keep this as short as possible, but you have to understand I’ve been observing the wiki in the wild literally since its inception, so there is a lot of stuff to consider. anyway let’s buckle up.
[EDIT: after finishing, this is obnoxiously long. sorry. I encourage people to read it though, because yikes.]
I base this theory on a set of guidelines set out for spotting if an organisation might be a cult. generally cults are religiously based; obviously this does not apply here. as far as I’m aware, nobody sees the SCP wiki as a religion (yet). because of this a couple of the points regarding spotting a cult are irrelevant (they concern things like separation from the Church which obviously doesn’t apply) but nearly all of the others (even some religious ones) can apply if we provide context. so without further ado:
Signs You’re In A Cult and How the SCP Wiki Literally Fits Into All of Them
let’s start with the most obvious:
opposing critical thinking
something that has long pissed me off about the SCP wiki has been its complete inability to think critically. staff will literally ban people for criticising them, and the parameters of “criticism” have only grown wider and wider over the years. anything that is the “party line” is sacred; nothing can be improved upon because it’s already perfect, and Staff Knows Best. any policy changes are law, and any dissenting voices are silenced – even among younger staff members (length of service wise, not age wise). I have seen staff put on probation or demoted for arguing against pointless or pedantic policy changes; I have seen people of all levels banned for arguing with staff. if this doesn’t happen right away, arguing with staff over their decisions will absolutely get a target on your back, and they will find a way to ban or demote you as soon as they can.
any criticism on the wiki is frowned upon unless it comes from the Major Staff Members – these are people at the top of the hierarchy who can do no wrong, and as you can imagine, they’ve done some shit. staff has always had a problem with elitism, bullying, and even abusive behaviour (blah blah blah #NotAllStaff, but the ratio is quite concerning) and any criticism of their behaviour or even pointing this fact out is dangerous if you want to remain on the wiki. hell, I know many people who are aware of this who don’t speak up because they’re genuinely scared of retaliation. a lot of staff are really nasty people, and because of this attitude they are beyond criticism.
isolating members and penalising them for leaving
the penalising them for leaving part isn’t strictly accurate, because as far as I know, nobody has ever been bullied or threatened into staying on the wiki. however, I do remember a while back (2011/2012-ish) when the Foundation RP community began to show up on Tumblr, and the wiki began to get a fanbase that wasn’t contained on the site itself. staff were not happy about this and to this day they still constantly try and get a monopoly on all off-site locations. they have an official Offsite Outreach Team (yes, that’s its real name) who “reach out” to communities on other platforms (YouTube, Reddit, Tumblr, etc) and set up an Official Presence there, and then they encourage everyone to use the Official Presence rather than the fan-made ones (which are often more established and better/more consistently run). there have been several off-site spats between staff and the fandom, because they arrive demanding the authority and respect they have on the wiki and get Big Mad when they don’t get it. just recently one (now ex) staff member, djkaktus, went absolutely primal on Reddit and banned a whole bunch of the community for daring to say that they didn’t like the new LGBT logo for pride month (many of these people were LGBT themselves and felt as though it was pandering/putting targets on their backs); several more years ago (2014, I believe?) I myself had a run in with the Outreach Team and it was one fucking hell of a headache that ended in a malicious smear campaign against me, so like. yeah.
as for isolating members, they do this via elitism. the above is an example of it (making everyone feel a sense of obligation or loyalty to the Official Presence), but a huge part of it has always been the elitist attitude prevalent on the wiki. the SCP wiki has high standards for writing (allegedly… I’ve seen some garbage on there tbh, same as any other website) and it uses this to bully and demean its users. criticism of writing is overly harsh but highly encouraged; anyone complaining that it was too cruel (which it often is) is ridiculed for being too sensitive. (staff have been working on this for years, but really nothing has changed; people have just gotten more between-the-lines about it.) this encourages a kind of desperation among new users to “rise up the ranks” and earn respect so they can be the ones dishing out the criticism instead; they will do so and then immediately act in accordance to their status, bullying others how they were bullied and sticking to their own “rank”. brief interruption: staff and bootlickers if you’re reading this and thinking of reblogging to defend yourself, the code word is yeet. if I do not see the word yeet in your reply I will know you have not read this thoroughly and tell me why I should then bother reading anything you have to say.staff themselves is incredibly removed and closed off from the rest of the community; they have a bunch of private chat rooms they hang out in, and inter-dating is common. they don’t tend to interact much outside the flock, and are the definition of cliquey. joining this rank is supposed to be an achievement, but really it’s probably the most dangerous place to be. I have seen so many staff members have literal, clinical mental breakdowns over the strain and treatment they suffer.
(there’s nowhere to neatly slot this in, so: I don’t know how many people have noticed this, but SCP fans, when you spot them on other platforms, are snooty. not casual fans, but those involved with the wiki? I can spot them from a mile away, because whenever the Foundation is mentioned, there they are, acting like they’re part of some cool club. some of these people are innocent (they’re just mimicking the behaviour of other members) but some of them really do seem to think that their site is somehow better than whatever site they’re on, and it’s really creepy to see.)
emphasising special doctrines outside of scripture
obviously this is religion-specific, but with context it can fit. if we take scripture to mean SCP lore, and special doctrines to mean differing headcanons, ideas, writing styles, etc… oh boy.
there’s something that’s often said on the wiki: there is no canon. buddy, there is. yes, you can write whatever you want technically, and you can disregard headcanons you don’t like and you can build on different things and theoretically people can just ignore your shit if they don’t like it, but that is not what happens. there is absolutely a canon, and deviating from it will get you downvoted into oblivion and even personally attacked. people will accuse you of the most ridiculous shit, like desecrating the wiki or betraying the universe or whatever. so where does the emphasising part of this come in?
why, it’s simple! if one of these special doctrines (headcanons or whatever) comes from staff or an Approved Member, it’s fine. go nuts. even if it’s something that anybody else would be absolutely slaughtered for, it’s fine if staff approves. there is no creative freedom on that wiki, and anyone attempting to carve a piece out for themselves will suffer for it. one of my close friends still gets hate for an SCP he wrote featuring heavy headcanons and building on existing lore about a well-known character, and some of this hate is because he didn’t set the fucking article out “how it should be”.
seeking inappropriate loyalty to their leaders
oh boy. staff are god on that website. they’ll deny it, but they know it’s true. many of them are arrogant and, in my opinion, some of them are pathologically narcissistic. they think they are hot shit, and they encourage people on the site to believe the same. a huge majority of users on the wiki are high school students, so 15-18 years old. the next huge group are college-aged, so 19-22 or so. several staff members are in their mid-20s up to 30s, maybe even coming 40s or early 40s now. when you’re in your mid-20s, it’s very easy to look cool to a 15-year-old. it’s very easy to look at a young userbase and convince them that you’re hot shit, and that’s what staff do. they act like it; most users respond to it, and if anyone dissents? see point one.
staff have always had double standards. from the very beginning of staff, they have gotten away with a lot more than the average user. staff have been allowed to bully, ridicule, harass, dismiss, shit upon, and target people with reckless abandon, usually only meeting punishment when other staff members feel too inconvenienced by them. a lot of the time when they’re punished, it’s a lot lighter than it would have been for an average user (a month ban rather than a permaban, for example). this is seen as almost a point of hilarity for a lot of people, who think it’s cool and just a right you get when you’re staff. you know best, you’ve seen some shit – who can blame you for slamdunking a 15-year-old’s first SCP?
the amount of respect and adoration these people demand is ridiculous, and anybody daring to criticise them ends up on a shitlist. staff show up in other areas (Tumblr or Reddit) and expect that same amount of respect, even among people outside of the wiki who might just be casual fans. they act a lot more important than they are, and demand that everyone treats them appropriately. I’ve seen staff members throw shitfits because they didn’t get enough upvotes for their articles, and many staff members’ quality of work declines when they make staff, simply because they know that they’ll get easy upvotes as soon as people realise it’s a staff member who wrote it. downvotes are enough to get you put on a shitlist.
publicly, their word is law. you are not allowed to debate with them in the forums if they put a “stop” on the topic; the same applies in the IRC chat. if staff says “stop”, you will be punished if you mention it again. you are allowed to discuss it with them privately, but I think that’s rather insidious, as staff have been known to twist facts and withhold information before. this gives them a public persona of always being right – and something else that cults do is silence dissenting voices so nobody who might agree can see other people saying the same things and feel encouraged/emboldened.
crossing Biblical boundaries of behaviour
again, we’ll need to contextualise this. if Biblical boundaries are things like sins and all the stuff the Bible says Do Not Do, then in this context these are the wiki rules. staff (and their friends) will constantly cross the rules, as previously mentioned, and they will get away with it.
the wiki rules say “don’t be a dick”. I have caught staff bullying people countless times, and no doubt there’s more I haven’t caught. even out in the open, staff are argumentative, dismissive, rude, intimidating, and oftentimes plain nasty. the wiki rules say “don’t coldpost articles; get feedback”. staff is just out there throwing their shit onto the wiki and expecting an avalanche of upvotes in five minutes Or Else. policies are made that set parameters and staff changes them whenever convenient – for example, the long-standing rule that things that occur off-site are not the responsibility of the Disciplinary Committee (yes, its name.). unless, of course, it’s someone they don’t like. a major staff member bullies somebody on Tumblr? “sorry, it was offsite, not our problem”. someone staff doesn’t like gets into a brief spat on Reddit? banned for harassment.
there are countless examples of this, from small things to major things like bullying, harassment, and even abuse (or enabling of abuse). staff will punish people for transgressions and then turn a blind eye to a fellow staff member committing a transgression that was ten times worse. they have even protected rapists and sexual predators in the past – another kind of behaviour common in cults, because that’s what happens when you combine narcissism and entitlement with total authority.
that’s the main bulk of it
but now the context has been established, here are a few more concerning things I’ve noticed (quickfire now):
cults shit on former members
and the wiki does the same. any staff member that’s grown fed up of the groupthink and the cliquey attitude and how nasty people are or who has been mistreated by staff themselves; any regular user who feels the same and vocally quits? shat upon. lauded as a bastion of whatever is wrong with the wiki. declared an Enemy and rallied against. it is so creepy.
cults use Us vs Them mentality, especially in language
broad declarations establishing a community and a community spirit in the face of adversity are common in cults. appeals to emotion and loyalty are used in a very manipulative way. catastrophising and fearmongering is common, too. I’m seeing this in how the recent drama with the legal issues is being handled. broad appeals to “defend the wiki”, hashtags being encouraged, emotional speeches from staff about how it’s a make or break situation…
…and this is being reflected in the absolutely insane comments people are responding with.
this is a fucking writing website. the above is not a normal reaction at all.
the attitudes of regular users quickly grow concerning
people very quickly get obsessed with the wiki and it defines their lives. they seem to feel as though they owe something to it or they need to serve some kind of a purpose; many people try and “get the word out” and become voluntary spokespeople. they go around practically preaching, and I do not see the users of any other website doing this.
cults want full control over how they’re seen by outsiders
and the scp wiki does the same. as mentioned previously, when the fandom grew and spiralled off the wiki to other sites, staff debated for weeks over what to do. brief interruption the second code is shrek is life.they were not comfortable with the idea of the wiki having an independent fandom, and for years now they have been in constant struggle with offsite communities, trying to gain the same amount of control they have over the wiki. it’s impossible to do so thoroughly, and it’s clearly an annoyance for them.
cult leaders will let “lesser” members do their dirty work for them
and guess what staff does? rather than wade in there and get their hands dirty with internet arguments, they’ll sit back and let regular users dogpile on dissenters and say all the things staff shouldn’t be seen to say in public. note how even if this would violate the bullying policies, they’ll just get a warning so long as staff agrees.
in conclusion
@ everyone on the scp wiki: yall know you’re in a cult, right?
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First
Welp all the user names were taken so I had to misspell “multipersonalty” To be honest, I don’t entirely dislike it, I’m sure it will slowly grow onto me. Does anyone even use tumblr anymore? LOL I use to be a tumblr addict back in the high school/ early college days but then stopped cause life happened and I was too busy doing what I thought was “living.” I actually wasn’t “living.” I just realized very recently that all my life I was not self aware. I just started becoming self aware and it is scaring the living shit out of me. Each time I go down memory lane and come to terms that I actually went through what I went through, it makes me paranoid as fuck. Considering all that I have gone through and what I needed to do in order to “survive” and “carry on”, it’s pretty understandable and reasonable why I am the way I am as for everyone else in the world. But I can’t help but feel like all my life, I have been disassociating myself in order to get through the day. Is this why I feel like I’m fake and not genuine? I don’t mean any harm to anyone but I always feel like I have to hide who I really am and not show how I really feel.
As you can see from the title, I am living with multiple personalities and it is ruining my life? Well, I guess not really cause I feel like I actually need all my personalities to survive this crazy life I’m living in. Might be a defensive mechanism but who knows right? I chose not to get professional help because I don’t want to waste my money on something I can do on my own. All it takes is time, patience, and a whole lot of effort. Each one of me plays a crucial part but I can honesty do without the OCD and Binge Eater. These 2 takes a toll out of me. There is always an internal battle inside my head that drains me physically and mentally. Just gotta find new ways to shut them the fuck up when they are interfering with my life. Anyways I chose to start writing in tumblr and not reddit because I am not ready to share this with the world yet, even though I know that others might be going through the same thing I’m going through and reading this might help them or make them feel less alone. This is for me. I want to write without filter. Maybe I will post this to wider audience when the time comes. Who knows. I feel like I’ve been going through so much and if I don’t atleast write this down somewhere, all my experience will be a lost cause. Hopefully, the right ones will stumble across this by accident.
Started of 2021 to an okay start I would say. Okay is an understatement. I am actually trying my hardest, giving my best shot. Decided to take a leap and impulsively agree to move out of my house because I am in desperate needs of a new life. I agreed to moving in with my boss’s daughter without even thinking twice. That is how desperate I was. Here is why. For the past 3 years, I’ve been living with an eating disorder, multiperesonality disorder, DID, OCD and who knows what else is wrong with me. Everyday for the past 3 years, I’ve been binging and purging. Not a day goes by without my throwing up. I don’t want to blame it on my cheating ex because at the end of the day, we are accountable for out own actions. But long story short, near the beginning of our relationship, my ex heated on me with a prostitute during his trip to Amsterdam and the rest was history. I was a naive college grad who was not self aware at the time and that cheating incident literally ruined me. I sunk to rock bottom, zero self esteem, zero ambition, zero motivation, zero everything. I had nothing. My main goal was just to be happy with my ex but I was waiting for it to magically happen. Did not know how much effort and hard work it took. So I stayed and lived with him for a few years and did nothing but drink and purge my life away everyday. I was always on edge everyday cause I was reminded by what he did. I just did not know what to do or how to get better. I was a rock bottom and eventually, let my demons take over. I ended up cheating on him at the end and that was my rock bottom. We broke up cause his ego could not let himself forgive me but we did not end on an entirely bad note. We did say we were both at fault and we did both apologize. We broke up at the end of 2019 before the pandemic hit and boy was that a big foreshadow in my life lol. I was still binging and purging and drinking everyday for about 1 more year until end of December 2019 and this was when I decided to move out of my old house because a part of me inside really needed a change in environment. I would still be stuck doing the same old unhealthy habits that would’ve driven me to my own death if I stayed there.
So here I am. In a new apartment, in a less nice neighborhood, living with my boss’s daughter. Most of you would say this is stupid and a bad idea. Trust me, this move is what will make me stronger and what will push me in the right direction in life. So far, I have been playing the bigger person, cleaning up after us both, choosing the shittier room with a broken window and door knob, making phone calls, paying bills, etc. But of course, she did help me with other tings as well. It’s just that I did not move to live lavishly. I did this for self improvement and self growth. There are times when i want to go back and just binge away, but I know that is stepping backwards in life. So far, after the move, I only binged and purged once. I am very proud of myself. I have been keeping up with a daily work out and strict diet. Ofcourse, the binger inside me is making it very hard for me to stay on this restrictive diet. But I am gonna have to learn how to overcome this. This post was just a ranting post cause I want to get some thoughts written down so atleast I have something to share in case I die. I want atleast someone to know about my story. I will make a schedule to follow after this post so I can hold myself accountable.
P.S. the photo included is the first meal I actually ate and not purged. Was a small (or big I guess) turning point in my life.
#new year 2021#multiple personality disorder#binging#staystrong#ocd#disassociative identity disorder
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1052
surveys by lets-make-surveys
1 - Who was the last person to knock on your door? Were they there to see you?
Nina usually knocks briefly in the evening to let me know it’s time for dinner. Other than my ex in the past, I don’t let anyone stay in my room for long. Knocking and peeking into my room is enough.
2 - Have you left the house yet today? If not, do you have plans to leave the house later on?
No, as it’s only 10 in the morning and I don’t really have a reason to be out somewhere this early. I might go out to buy presents for more relatives, but that’s only if I feel productive enough today. We’ll see.
3 - What’s your favourite brand of chocolate? What type of chocolate bar from that brand is your favourite?
The older I get the more I feel like gagging from the idea of chocolate bars lol; they’re all just so sweet. These days my top three would be Hershey’s cookies and cream bar, Whittaker’s chocolate peanut butter bar, and Twix bars. I also love Reese’s, but they aren’t bars.
4 - Have you ever met someone in person who you first met on the internet? Do you have plans to do that anytime soon?
Yes, I’ve done this before and I’ve recounted the stories on here multiple times. As for the second question, yeah I technically do? I’ve only met my workmates online so far, so I’m constantly looking forward to the opportunity to finally meet them all in real life.
5 - What was the last thing you used a blender for?
I’ve never used a blender. We don’t even own a blender.
6 - Have you ever got into an argument with a stranger on social media? Do you remember what it was about?
Yeah, but I don’t even remember what it was about anymore...I do know it was this year, and the person deleted the comment that I replied to not long after.
7 - When was the last time you cracked your joints? Is that something you do often?
Now that you reminded me, I just did. I do it at least once a day, whenever my fingers start to feel tight and tense.
8 - What time is it right now? If you weren’t doing a survey, what else would you be doing right now?
It is 1:52 PM. I’d be heading to the mall to buy more presents, but I don’t feel like getting out of bed yet. I’d also do embroidery, but my online orders are taking a while to arrive :( My online shopping app says I'll be getting them by Jan 3rd, but the shipping tracker says it’s already being shipped from China to here so I’m looking forward to receiving it this week. I hope that’s the case; otherwise it’ll miss the point of being my hobby this Christmas break.
9 - If you had ten minutes to run around an empty supermarket and fill your trolley for free, what’s the first aisle you’d go for?
The fancy meat/fish section. Then I’d go to the condiments/spice section, then frozen food, then chips.
10 - Aside from Tumblr, what websites do you visit the most and why?
YouTube, because I find videos a soothing distraction; Twitter to keep me updated on local and international news; Reddit for quirky posts; and Wikipedia so I can continue learning trivia I’ll never have to use but want to gain anyway.
11 - Has COVID had any impact on your Christmas plans this year? What’s going to change or be different to normal?
My dad is home for Christmas this year, which is one silver lining from Covid. But my relatives living abroad who usually fly back to the Philippines for the holidays obviously won’t be able to this year, so we’re not gonna have a packed family reunion like we normally do. Everything else is the same, but I think the biggest thing about this whole thing is that I can barely feel Christmas coming this year. I think it’s going to feel like such a plain Friday this week; and that makes me a little sad.
12 - What’s your favourite flavour of cake? Are you any good at making that kind of cake?
My favorite flavor is chocolate, but my favorite kind of cake (which I enjoy a lot more than general chocolate cake) is cheesecake. I cannot make either, nor can I bake at all.
13 - Do you prefer sweet or sour candy?
Sweet. I hate any sour foods with a passion lol especially sour candy; it is my absolute least favorite taste. I don’t find anything enjoyable or fulfilling about it.
14 - What colour is your favourite fruit? Is this a fruit you eat often?
Already made my feelings for fruit clear on this blog, haha.
15 - Is your favourite restaurant an independent place or a chain? What is it that you love about it so much?
It’s a chain, like most popular restaurants here. Independent places are a little hard to come by, to be honest. They make the best katsu I’ve ever had; and I also like that despite being a chain restaurant, the ambience is still quite sophisticated and date-friendly so I always feel like I’m treating myself whenever I eat there.
16 - Are you genuinely a fan of Starbucks or do you think it’s all hype?
I personally enjoy everything about Starbucks. I like their coffees, their Frappes, the ambience in their coffee shops, their playlists, and their line-up of mugs and tumblers. I’ve always felt right at home in their shops and out of all the cafés I’ve been to, it’s always their baristas that have been the nicest.
17 - Do you own a Christmas jumper? What design/pattern does it have on it?
No, I don’t.
18 - What’s your favourite fit/style of jeans?
I was obsessed with mom jeans throughout 2020.
19 - What was the last non-essential item you spent money on?
Overpriced coffee and a sandwich.
20 - Are you currently under any COVID-related restrictions where you live? Are people generally following the rules?
Public places are super strict with requiring everyone to wear a face shield and face mask; before entering any establishment, people’s temperatures are taken and everyone’s also required to take a contact tracing form. Anyone under the age of 21 still isn’t allowed to go out for the most part, though I think there are some exceptions now because I see kids younger than me already going on out-of-town trips again. Some places that are big on tourism like Sagada, Batanes, and Baguio are still closed off from the public; those that have since reopened, like Boracay, follow strict protocol and everyone going there is required to undergo a swab test. Everyday Filipinos follow the rules; it’s the politicians and police force who don’t, which feels disgusting to say.
21 - What did you last leave the room you’re in to do?
A package arrived for me so I had to pay for it. It was the phone case I ordered for my cousin.
22 - Have you ever read any self-help books? Did you find them useful?
No. I don’t really believe in that genre, so I never felt pulled to buy a book.
23 - What’s your favourite programme on the Food Network (if you watch it)? If you don’t get that channel, what’s your favourite food/cookery show in general?
All things Gordon Ramsay, man. MasterChef, Hell’s Kitchen, and Kitchen Nightmares are all *chef’s kiss* The Great British Bake Off is also great and something I like watching when I want to wind down :)
24 - Do you still watch cartoons?
From time to time.
25 - Who do you know with the most number of siblings? Would you ever want to live in a huge family?
My grandpa was one of nine siblings, if I’m not mistaken. I’m not sure if I know a bigger set than that. Unless my family was filthy rich, I would not want to have such a big immediate family.
26 - Are you a fan of garlic bread?
Sure. I tend to ask for others’ too, heh.
27 - Do you own any personalised clothing? What’s the reason for getting it?
No, not a fan. Two years ago we had a huge family reunion on my dad’s side and we had to wear these cheesy shirts that said “[Last Name] Reunion” with some cheesy motto at the bottom. My parents hated it, which made me feel better about my own feelings about the shirt lol.
28 - Is anyone else in the same room as you right now? What is that person up to?
No, it’s just me here.
29 - What colours are you wearing right now? Does your wardrobe contain a lot of those colours?
White, maroon, and scarlet. I have a lot of white and maroon; not so much of scarlet as I find the color too bold.
30 - Do you like adding condiments to your food? If so, what are some of your favourites?
Yes. My food always needs to have soup, condiments, or sauces; otherwise I tend to feel the dish is too dry. I like mayonnaise, banana ketchup, hot sauce, and lechon sauce.
--
1 - What have you been up to so far today? Is that a typical thing for you to do on this particular day of the week?
I’ve taken a couple of surveys and started binge-watching segments of my newest Korean reality show discovery, 2 Days 1 Night. The breakout actor from Start-Up and the newest love of my life HAHAHA is a cast member on the current season of 2D1N so I’ve been all over the show today. It’s hilarious; I can hardly believe I’m only discovering the show this late.
2 - Did you get a decent night’s sleep last night? How many hour’s sleep do you consider a decent amount?
It was around five hours, which isn’t a lot to me. I usually sleep 7-9 hours these days, but I might wreck my body clock during the holiday break because I want to keep being awake and do the things I haven’t been able to do because of work.
3 - What is one silly thing that really gets on your nerves?
Seeing pickles in a burger.
4 - Who was the last person you saw who wasn’t family? What did you guys end up doing together?
The friendly Starbucks barista from yesterday; her name was Princess. We didn’t do anything lol, she just took my order and was super friendly about it, and she also gave me the Starbucks planner that I chose to redeem.
5 - Do you prefer hot or cold drinks overall?
Cold. I avoid hot drinks now haha. Ever since I had that incident with the takoyaki, I’ve been too scared to let any hot food or drink touch my mouth.
6 - Do you own a decent set of waterproofs? If so, what do you use them for the most? If not, do you think that would be something you’d find useful?
I don’t know what this is referring to, and I’m too lazy to Google right now. I’ve only ever known this word as an adjective, whoops.
7 - Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?
Take more surveys, and maybe have another cup of coffee. I’ll also have to get started on a daily report I submit for work every weekday morning so that my load will be lighter tomorrow. Our office is technically on shutdown until January 4th, but some clients require a daily report every day and I’ll have to shoulder that with another co-associate. It sucks, but at least it’s the only thing I’ll have to do for the next two weeks.
8 - How often do you get your hair cut? When hairdressers were closed due to COVID, did you try cutting it yourself at home?
I only go to the salon once a year, and I already did it this 2020 when I chopped off my hair and got bangs. Yeah, whenever my bangs start to get too long I either ask my mom to trim them or I do so myself.
9 - What did you wear the last time you left the house? Is that different to what you’re wearing at the moment?
I walked Cooper half an hour ago and I just stayed in the same clothes I’ve been in all day, which was a tank top underneath an oversized hoodie and a pair of shorts.
10 - Would you rather have a relaxing beach holiday or a more active holiday in the mountains?
The beach would be perfect right now, but I think my answer changes every time this is asked and I’m pretty sure I picked mountains the last time HAHAHA. I just realized being in the mountains would give me the same cooped-up feeling I’ve been having from staying at home for such a long time, and it might not be the best and healthiest trip for me...the beach definitely sounds more freeing and therapeutic.
11 - Do you know how to tie a tie?
Nah, never learned. I’ve never been good at tying anything up, period.
12 - How old were you when you first had a sleepover at someone’s house? Did you miss home?
I was 15 or 16; I’m not entirely sure anymore. Not at all, I was so excited to have been allowed to go to my first sleepover.
13 - How often do you spend time with your extended family?
Under normal circumstances, we’d visit my grandma and cousins on my mom’s side once every few months or so. It was pretty regular since they’re just a stone’s throw away. But obviously we’ve since had to drastically cut our get-togethers back, and I’ve only seen them around three times since the beginning of the year. My dad’s family lives pretty far south, so I only get to see them once or twice a year even in pre-Covid days; not much of a difference there.
14 - When you get up in the morning, do you have a set routine?
No. I just wake up feeling dread and have no choice but to wait for the weight in my chest to subside.
15 - Do you remember the last time you cried? Were they sad or happy tears?
Yesterday in my car, in the mall parking lot. Sad tears.
16 - What do you have planned once you finish this survey?
Look for another one. I misseddddd taking surveys and I plan on taking a crap ton of them this Christmas break. I may also be called for dinner, so there’s that.
17 - What was the last thing you cooked? Did you cook from scratch or just heat something up?
I dunno if it counts as cooking, but I just made the DIY ramen kit that I received as a Christmas gift from the branch I was originally an intern at. Everything was already prepared in the kit and all I needed to do was boil water for the noodles and prepare the broth. Turned out surprisingly good.
18 - Are you a fan of hot chocolate? Do you like it plain or do you prefer to add things like whipped cream or marshmallows?
I love hot chocolate and will order it sometimes, but given my aforementioned fear of hot beverages I always wait for it to considerably cool down hahaha. I like my hot chocolate plain.
19 - What caused your last injury?
Cooper’s nails.
20 - How many tattoos and piercings do you have? Do any of them have an interesting story behind them?
Just a piercing on each of my earlobes. No interesting stories...yet.
21 - What kind of flowers do you like the best? When was the last time someone bought those for you?
I like peonies, though I’m not sure if my ex ever gave me a bouquet that included those.
22 - What’s the smallest thing you’ve ended a relationship over?
I’ve only been with one person and I dated her twice, but I was never the one who ended the relationship either time so can’t really answer this.
23 - Would you rather order a starter (appetiser) or a dessert? Or would you be able to manage a full three courses?
Three-course meal, pls. I’ve only experienced it once, when my parents treated me to dinner during my cruise gift for my 18th birthday; it was great and every dish was made amazingly well.
24 - How do you get most of your news, if you pay attention to it at all?
I catch the evening news every weeknight because we keep the telvision turned on during dinner. I also get to read articles on social media.
25 - Have you or a member of your family been diagnosed with COVID yet?
None that I know of, thankfully. It’s always been someone that a relative knows, but so far none of us have gotten it.
26 - Are you a vegetarian? If so, what persuaded you to stop eating meat? If not, is it something you’d ever consider?
No. I have been considering it for years, but I truthfully don’t know if I could give up meat.
27 - Do you prefer rice or pasta?
Rice.
28 - Is anything you’re wearing a gift? Who bought it for you?
No.
29 - What’s the dominant colour in the room you’re in at the moment?
I guess white, since my walls are white and that’s the first thing you see when entering my room.
30 - Did you do laundry yet today? If not, do you need to do any before you go to bed?
Not my chore to do, but it was already done a few days ago.
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