Had a good day in the gym today. I've wanted to squat 4 plates per side for quite a while, at stages didn't think I'd ever get there.
So, this is cool to hit because to me it somewhat signifies the change I've had in my relationship to exercise and my body. My self esteem is no longer tied to the outcome of every session, I exercise somewhat intuitively and have thoroughly enjoyed the process of getting to this point. I'd happily leave potential strength gains on the table to instead derive joy and energy from each session.
Perhaps the heaviest things we lift aren't out weight, but our feels, kinda vibe.
I was listening to a podcast yesterday about intuitive movement and the host said something to the effect of “if the work out wouldn’t change your body, would you still do it?” And I’m really taking that into account going foreword.
Because yes, I would absolutely do yoga and go for walks and hike and dance around my kitchen and do hand stands in the park. But would I lift weights? Would I walk on the treadmill? Would I spend my afternoons doing crunches and squats? Probably not, because I’m only doing those things to chase a more compact body.
And I can tell myself I go to the gym for lifelong independence and to get strong all I want, but if I’m honest, I’m there to shrink myself. To lose weight. To look different. How can I change my motivation when that nagging voice is always in the back of my head telling me I’m not good enough?
I have started Overall's Relaxation Protocol and I really liked this video to show me exactly how it looks before I started. I find this kind of training really difficult because it's boring and I'm impatient and I struggle with environment setups. But anyway, I started last night. It started really badly! I was trying to do all three dogs at once, which absolutely did not work. So I stopped that and took Topaz into the kitchen and did Task Set 1 with just her, which was fine.
I'm not sure if it's going to translate that well because Luca and Marceline were hovering at the babygate the whole time. I am already over it thinking about having to repeat multiple task sets in different parts of the house. My house is small and open plan so it's not easy to separate the dogs. I need to do this though because Topaz needs extra help learning to settle.
Women access their spirituality through movement and body awareness, so a denial of the body inhibits the heroine’s spiritual development. She ignores her intuition and dreams and pursues the safer activities of the mind.
Maureen Murdock, The Heroine's Journey: Woman's Quest for Wholeness
The newest painting in my 11" x 14" sketchbook I call "Fervent"
11″ x 14″ Mixed media on paper
My favorite painting technique lately is with a knife or with the edge of a credit card. I’m seeing depth and texture, that fractal effect that seems intentional, yet it’s still abstract.
I looked up the definition of Fervent; “having or displaying a passionate intensity.” I would say yes, that is this…
PICK A CARD
"This card is confirming what you are hesitating about your inner journey to the next level. Because you may have to set out to find a reliable shaman. And you may have already met him. He will lead you to a sacred temple. The hidden veil will be revealed. You will find knowledge through the individuality of wisdom."
"The key to survival is enlightened local control of natural resource use...this seems especially true when the market is distant and insensitive to the local depletions it can cause."
As a neuro-divergent plus size woman, I like plans.. particularly rainbow color coded plans. 👀
With a past of disordered eating (both binging and restricting) it's time to make a change, and it's time to make a change this is different from allllll the other "make a change" moments over the past 26 years.
So, from 7pm to 8pm every day, I will dedicate some time to finding which movements I enjoy! I'll try a different thing each day of the week, and then create a plan in the new year based on what I find the most gratifying whether that be by seeing progress, seeing results, or simply having fun. I will not weigh myself, I will not count calories, and I will not post body progress pictures.
I WILL post updates on my physical abilities, such as being able to life more weight, spend more time doing a particular exercise, or being able to move from a modified exercise to the regular exercise.