Ao3 ask game!

3, 7, 12, 28 and 29 👀👀

Hello!

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

Did some thinking and honestly? The works in my series going through Darius and Eber's grief. (Just barely in second place being Hanahaki Darius and Metal Sonic stuff). I reread parts of it when you commented and yeah. I am still proud I wrote that and finished it. Definitely not my most popular (even in my TOH works) but wow.

*pats self on back.* All my stuff is things I wanna see and that should be the warning symbol people get reading my stuff because yes. I am going to be extremely self indulgent. Moving on.

7. If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most?

Okay now this is tricky. I don't really follow any single artist as much as I find an animatic/cover and put whatever character is in that situation.

(The original title idea for Darius' Hanahaki is actually from Hamilton? Don't know what that says about me as a person but the lyrics 'love doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints it takes and it takes and it takes and we keep loving anyway' really felt Darius coded to me. And that's all the songs I pull from honestly. How character coded is this song to this charcater.)

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

Considering how life will absolutely not let me finish anything before basically Christmas, active WIPS is about...

six? And that's ignoring all my insane ones I started just to get an idea out of my system.

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

Hard one. I think at this very second, my gift fic for TrishaCollins 'ill be waiting till i see you again' and 'Cover Your Face and Turn a Blind Eye; You Never Cared for the Truth' but honestly it changes depending on what I haven't read lately and what I'm itching for. They are all self indulgent hell.

(Selective Mute Eber comes in second.)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

Any of the snippets I posted here are examples of something I adored. But.

---

It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair. 

“It wasn’t,” Plagg quietly agreed and Nooroo leaned harder into him, because he was still too afraid of touching him directly but wanted to eat all the comfort Plagg was radiating, lick up all his worried love. “But we’re here now. You don’t have to hurt alone Nooroo. We’re your big siblings. Let us help you.” 

Nooroo just cried, his head hurting as he leaned into Plagg hard enough that he could feel Plagg’s reserve, felt the roaring ocean that made up Plagg’s, his eldest brother's power. 

And he felt safe.

(Definitely not my strongest by any means. But dude, I had been building up to this moment in the fic for months at this point, so when I think of favourite I just think of this, because I had finally reached a point I had been so so excited for.)

MC is Sick?!

(Feat. GN!MC and the Demon Bros)

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Lucifer

A little late to notice that you’re sick. He’s been so busy lately that he can’t watch you as carefully as he’d like to, so he apologizes for not catching on sooner.

But now that it’s been brought to his attention, Lucifer is all over it. You’re excused from your classes and sent to your room for bedrest while he tends to everything else. He’s rarely the one to bring you your medicine or meals, to his dismay, but his busy schedule just won’t allow it. 

If he were able he’d let you stay in his room until you felt better. But for the time being, he’ll have to squeeze in little visits to your room, where he’ll pop in and sit on the edge of your bed, pressing his hand against your forehead and letting it linger on your cheek.

He’ll often come to your room with a record for you to listen to, and he loves talking about the history of the music and the life of the composure. His boring talks put you right to sleep.

“This piece is one of my favorites. The composer went into an illness induced madness when he created the sheet music, and wouldn't eat or sleep for two weeks until it’d been completed. Why, I often listen to it when- Ah, have you fallen asleep?"

Mammon

The first to notice the change in your health. You don’t look so good.. Are you okay? MC?!

Good luck trying to get any rest, because your first man is gonna be popping in and out of your room every five minutes. He’s constantly checking in on you, making sure you’re not too hot or too cold, that you’ve got something to drink, that you ate the soup he left-

Actually, Mammon’s not that bad of a caretaker! He’s a little too attentive, but he clearly knows what he’s doing. Also insists on being the only one that takes care of you until you’re better.

Polices everything you do. You wanna get out of bed? Nope, wait for Mammon. You’re bored? He’ll bring you something to do. Know what, he’s just gonna move into your room for the time being-

“Who told ya to go and get sick? Makin' me worry like this... I'm gonna make sure ya get better in no time, so you'd better be grateful, ya hear? I don't do this for just anybody..."

Levi

No way... You’re sick?! But you guys had plans to watch Magical Ruri Hana together...

Yeah, he’s not the best at caretaking despite watching Cells at Work, but he does know the basics! It kills him to leave his room so frequently, so.. why don’t you just stay in his room? He’ll take care of you there, and the healing waves of Ruri-chan will wash over you and get rid of your illness!

He definitely can’t be your primary caregiver, unless you want to be sick forever. Anime doesn't really imitate real life. Who would've thought?

 But he’s as attentive as he can be, at least! He brings you new DVDs to watch, manga to read, and delicious stacks to try whenever he can! Even if this is all he can do, he wants to make sure you know he’s thinking about you. May or may not also be spam texting you and keeping you awake-

“I brought the audio drama for you to listen to! It's from the TSL live series, where they act out the scenes! You won't have to worry about reading or watching anything, so you can listen to it to sleep. Oh, but I want to hear your opinion on everything! And then you- huh? When will you be able to sleep? Uh..."

Satan

The most knowledgeable when it comes to taking care of human illnesses, but he still fumbles a little. Insists on making an accurate diagnosis of your symptoms, and that takes way longer than the actual treatement,

But once he’s deduced what’s going on, Satan goes all in. You might feel like a guinea pig because of all the weird methods he’s trying on you (may or may not have read a medieval medicine book first), so uhhhhh be patient with him. Now hold still while he puts this onion in your sock-

Not as attentive as the others, but very thorough when he tends to you. And despite all the unorthodox healing methods, you actually recover quickly, by some miracle.

In the quieter moments when all you need is rest, Satan will sit by and quietly read to you until you lull off to sleep, brushing the hair from your face before he leaves.

“Hm... I was sure St. John's Wart would do the trick, but your fever hasn't broken at all? Maybe I ought to try minced garlic and honey next? Or maybe..- Eh? Just normal medicine is fine?"

Asmo

SICK?! No no, this won’t do at all! Asmo doesn’t want to see his darling MC looking so pale and unsightly! It’s off to bed with you now. No, not his bed he loves you but you’ve gotta understand-

Gentle affection is one of Asmo’s selling points, but that doesn’t mean the king of aftercare knows how to treat illnesses. He does however make you extremely comfortable. I’m talking extra fluffy pillows, cold and hot packs where you need them most, careful sponge baths (if you’ll let him), and everything else he can offer to make sure you’re okay.

May or may not show up in a hazmat suit, but don’t worry. The mask is clear so you get a view of his beautiful face! And when he isn’t around to take care of you, he sends pictures of himself to speed up the healing process.

Most likely to ask for help in your care. He tends to forget that you need more than affection and selfies to help you recover-

“Make sure you get better quickly, okay? I'll keep gracing your with my gorgeous face, and that ought to heal you in no time! Oh, maybe an herbal bath will help, too? I'll join you~!"

Beel

Extremely worried the moment you sneeze twice in a row. And when that escalates into a full blown cold, he immediately takes you to your room and cocoons you in every spare blanket he can find.

His care is sloppy, but full of affection. Your bed is a fluffy mess of soft blankets and pillows, and he lingers in your room nearly all day. And naturally, Beel knows you need to eat in order to heal.

You’re never without any food. This man will bring you an entire rotisserie chicken and a quart of orange juice for breakfast do not underestimate him. And if you can’t stomach anything, he’s try for things that’re easier to eat. like soups and broths. Also insists on feeding you himself.

Might also need some help in caring for you. He has good intentions and he’s being as careful with you as can be, but it can’t help to have another set of hands on the job. He wants to make sure you get the best care he can offer.

“Mm... you're not eating a lot today. Hm? You're full? But you only had a shadow hog roast, three sandwiches, and a gallon of juice. Are you sure that's enough? ...Well, maybe you're right. I'll eat what you can't finish, then. Hm? You're worried I'll get sick? It's fine. A human cold wont affect me."

Belphie

He knew something was up when you didn’t get out of bed that morning. Sleeping until 2pm is HIS thing, got it? Just kidding-

Tries not to show it, but this man is so worried that he can’t even sleep. BELPHEGOR, the Avatar of Sloth, is suffering from insomnia. 

He isn’t really the best at taking care of other people, but he knows that plenty of rest can only do you good. Belphie climbs into your bed and resigns himself to staying there until you heal. Somehow, having him around makes your sleep even deeper, so you always wake up feeling a little more rested than before.

Not so great at remembering when to bring you medicine and stuff, so the help of the others is a given. But despite that, you find yourself comfortable in every position you shift into. Belphie knows a thing or two about resting peacefully, so he’s got an eye for helping you with that.

“Are you feeling a little better today? ...Good. You were tossing and turning in your sleep, so I got you that ice pack. It look like your fever finally broke, so that means I can rest easy now.. goodnight......"

have this absolute shameless drabble of sugar daddy gojo that i wrote in between requests. my fingers have never typed so fast im sorry this is literally self-indulgent at this point ARJGJFFJ.

disclaimer i honestly can't see anyone calling gojo daddy but just for this fic..... ill allow it..... and also bc sugar daddy gojo is just always residing in my mind. did you see how he transferred 10 mil to mei mei!!!!! i will never shut the fuck up about that scene. pls spoil me <3

warnings: praise, public sex, sugar daddy/sugar baby relations, breeding kink, pet names

NSFW UNDER THE CUT, MINORS DNI

sugar daddy!gojo pushes you up against the window of the store, visible for everyone to see you getting fucked senseless. in the gucci store four floors up, it could work both ways. fortunate to be so high up, although people would be getting a treat if they happened to look up.

“you know what you’re doing, baby?” he grunts, hips rocking into your soaked pussy as the staff outside try to ignore the lewd noises coming from behind the curtains.

it was supposed to be a simple trip: get a dress for gojo’s event in a few weeks and get out. with a tight arm wrapped around his, you followed him around like a starstruck puppy, the edges of your lips curled up knowing he’d treat you a million times over if you just asked for it.

gojo wasn’t any different, either. sure, he’s had sugar babies in the past, but not quite like you who’s so easy to please and spoil, knowing you could never say no even if your life depended on it. with your desperate listing for the requirement of monetary assistance, gojo couldn’t resist taking up the offer.

he just hadn’t expected you to be so… pliant. you had taken it like a good little bitch, too, moaning out for everyone to hear because you liked it like that.

“you’re taking my cock so well, princess,” gojo muttered out, lips nibbling on your ear as he continued to pound you. his grin that you feel against your skin plagues your mind, wanting nothing more than to see how he enjoys ruining you.

the catchy, upbeat pop song playing above you seemed to provide some rhythm, the sultry lyrics fuelling you further.

"so needy that i had to buy out the whole store for an hour, huh?" the male slows his pace, delivering deep thrusts into your cunt with the precision of an expert.

all you can reply are in little pants, sentences incoherent from how deep his cock is in you.

"i don't even think an hour is enough to satisfy my pretty little girl, isn't that right?" gojo picks up the speed again, and you're brought back to the many times he's fucked over his counter, washing machine. to the times where he's eaten you out on his office table and in his sheets of his king-sized.

and now, you've got another memory locked away for nights full of loneliness and soaked underwear when gojo's just too busy for you.

a tongue to your nipples and a hand to your clit makes you choke out a moan, writhing against the glass just to feel more of gojo, more of his cock and more of his lips on your neck.

you're struggling to keep yourself up, finding the right time in between muffled moans and whimpers to ask for one more wish.

"daddy... p-please, i wanna see your-"

"what, baby? repeat it for me." goddamn, the man had no problem articulating his words, how much had he fucked you already?

clearly not enough if you're still able to speak.

"w-wanna see your face when you fuck me deep, daddy!"

your wish is taken away when you're already creaming all over gojo as your hot breath creates fog on the glass in a silent scream.

"aw, you're cumming so hard baby~ you didn't even get to see me yet," he coos, enjoying the gush of your juices that coat his dick and your thighs. everything feels sticky and dirty, but you don't hesitate to beg for one more fuck with your eyes.

gojo catches your drift immediately, hips twitching from the idea of pumping you full of his cum. after all, he hasn't come yet.

he grunts at the time with a quick glance to the clock above your head. without wasting any more time, he flips you over, the restraint to cum slowly reaching its limit with your lolling tongue and fucked-out face.

the male doesn't bother to hide the deep groan that rips from his throat when he drags his dick along your folds, strings of both your juices stretching out in a way that hypnotises gojo.

"n-need your cock, daddy! please!" you whine, grinding your hips against the tip to make sure gojo knows of your desperation. that he's the only one to fuck you so good that no one else can satisfy you.

he smiles knowingly before he sinks into you.

gojo knows that he's the only one that can make you feel this way as he picks up the tempo, hitting spots in you that you didn't know was physically possible.

gojo knows that he's the only one you call daddy shamelessly as he writes off his card to help you in your student debts and the sparkly dress you've been eyeing.

he could throw you away the second you're done with university, the second the media's off his ass about his love life but, the sweet, sweet moans spilling from your lips pull him back in every single time, eager to hear it for as long as your bank's empty and his is piled up with money.

"more! satoru, more, fuuuck..." you groan, shying away from the striking blues of his eyes the more he drinks in your current state.

he's barely holding on, not even minding the first name you called him. the short skirt he'd given you flipped up makes him go crazy, your panties moved to the side to receive the dressing room quickie you always wanted.

"you're so de..eep daddy! i need all your c-cum please...!" it's a mix between a whimper and a whine.

"yeah? 'course i am, baby. your pussy is sucking me in all the w-way," gojo's hips stutters at how you squirm in his tight grasp, locking eyes with him as yours fill with want. your pussy is throbbing, stretched out so much that you don't register the thumb playing with your clit.

"s' too much...! s' too much, d-daddy!"

"you're a good girl, aren't you?" the way you nod is pathetic, eyebrows knitted from being stuffed so full.

"pretty little thing- fuuck..." gojo's losing control himself, the way his balls slaps against your cunt resonates around the small space and nothing feels better than being inches deep in you.

you're a babbling mess by then, unable to even scream out as you cream his cock. with head thrown back, you're left frozen for a second as the orgasm washes over you and a violent shudders goes through your thighs.

"daddy has so much, s-shit- cum for you, doll," it isn't long before the other comes undone, a groan escaping his lips before he shoots his load deep into you.

your pussy is stained white from all the cum he's giving you, gasping from how much gojo is leaking into you.

"thank y-you, satoru..." you trembling has affected your voice, too, burying your head into gojo's neck while your body shivers from sensitivity.

"take all of it, baby," gojo whispers, the hand near your middle moves instantly to finger his cum back into you, fixing back your underwear over your pussy.

a cheeky giggle leaves your mouth as you untangle yourself from the embrace, welcoming a kiss from the man as he slowly begins to clean up himself.

"have you chosen a dress yet, sir?"

gojo's smile is mischievous, not missing the way your face flushes at having to face the embarrassed staff outside.

"we'll take everything, thanks," his eyes never leave you as he helps you off the changing room chair, tugging your body flush to his before leaving you with one more hungry kiss.

"you did so well for daddy, doll. i may just have to treat you tonight since you have a day off university tomorrow..."

even if it wasn't in the contract, gojo loved to spoil you, admiring your mettle when it comes to material items. although...

"you know what i mean," it's enchanting, the way his voice travels like silk, "i'll call in sick for work tomorrow, yeah?"

your mind goes to mush at what tonight might entail, losing all train of coherence when his hushed whisper of my baby's so cute reaches your ear.

in a second you're out of there, hand twined with his while you remain giddy with the thought of getting used by gojo until you reach your limit.

do u wanna share any fic recs

YES I DO......!!!!!! and here they are!!!!!!! full of sterek goodness and maybe some stiles char study cause hes my baby (": (thank u for indulging my insanity!!!!!!!)

keep it together aka my fav fucking fic ever.. this is the only sterek fic that exists to me. its so so so good and i love everyone and everything

ok literally everyone has a fav isthatbloodonhisshirt fic but i have two because im insane. one is it's not pretend when it's real, the fake relationship one because it has so so many good lines and my fav line is "it started being a little less ‘just in case’ and a little more ‘please don’t leave.’" ! i'll probably include my fav lines cause those r the ones i bookmark with hehe. my second fav one is by any other name (i will always feel the same) aka the old guard au (': just so heartaching and beautiful and my fave lines are "but it wouldn’t be one moment. sese, one with him isn’t enough! i want all of it. / one moment, theodoros. you can have one moment. it’s enough. with him, it’s enough." WHICH IS JUST SO FUCKING CRAZY! once u reach these lines in the fic. dear god. i was actually crying at 2pm while waiting for my dough to rise when i was reading this. it was amazing

binomial coefficients aka the cutest fucking highschool au AND derek fell first which is literally (clenches fist) wow.. "it's always about you." is my fav lkine which is so corny. and derek said it cause hes so corny. nerd.

don't know what i'm supposed to do (haunted by the ghost of you) is so ): stiles sees dead people/ghosts and guess what! he sees talia! its so good! i love it dearly! i love rereading this cause i love stiles and the author wrote him so nicely

in case the daylight never comes is my fav s3a fix it (": it has AMAZING scott characterization AND the cutest stiles scott and derek relationship .. <3 i always giggle cause theres this line where scott goes "as the true alpha" and stiles and derek mock him for it like "there he go again" .. huhuhu its so fucking cute i love this fic dearly

carry on is such a good pick me up if u wanna read hale pack and shenanigans i read it when i wanna cry cause its so good and funny and the best What Couldve Been..........

seafoam and sunshine .. merman stiles (": what more can you want from me. hehe

love like ghosts OK> djifhihjesfjieka im gonna cry this is a fic where derek sees laura and talia yearly as ghosts and idk. he just spends time with them and i cried so hard reading this its so beautiful. im glad they thought of this i like to think its canon

growing. this is a stiles char study abt his hair and what it means that hes growing it out ): its really short but i love studies where its abt stiles and his relationship w his hair (there r more but i cant find themm!!! T__T)

all you have is your fire (and the place it needs to reach) this is one of my faves (": spark stiles and how he grows into it. its a fix it from the start where laura is alive and theyre all a happy family.. i really really love this and how they wrote stiles gwaaaah! my fav line from this is "these moments stick to his lips, like dry lips to a straw, tasting of sugar and sweat. (these moments rest between his ribs)" which is just. WOW!

that's no moon which is a stupid fic that i fucking love so much omfg,. nothing literally happens its just scott helpibng stiles with his Journey To Sexuality and its so funny and stupid and idk. dereks there. hes just there. i read and love this more for the sciles relationship (":

werewolf love songs, vol. 1 is a famous fic but im still including it.. nyehehe i love the stiles here hehehe i love the dialogue and the stupidness. my fav monster of thr week fic!

if i followed you home is so good tooo!!! they meet in new york pero stiles sees the death of laura )-: its still really good ! my bookmark says "well then. i love you. everywhere." and i am 80 percent sure derek is the one who says that omg

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME ILL INCLUDE A HUMAN AU BUT POELASRSJKBGKSHEDB THIS ONE. THIS IS THE ONE!! Is That a Gun In Your Pocket Or...That's a Gun In Your Pocket !!!!! hitman derek who is so in love with stiles!!! ITS SO CRAZY I JUST LOVE IN LOVE DEREK GEHEHEH this has derek reciting spanish poetry to stiles bro. what more can you want. as my bookmark says, "i made you a mix CD. you recite pablo neruda. we’re pretty much terminally gone on each other." GAAAHHHH

another merman stiles fic!!! no oceans left i think this is THE stiles merman fic! i love this so much! its more of a char study which i really really love. i love stiles and his relationship w his mother (-': my bookmark says, "it’s different when you’ve had something your whole life. / well, i’ll always look at you and see a three year old looking back. and a six year old. and a ten year old." and the second one is something the sheriff tells stiles and it makes me cry. i love that line so so much it makes my heart ache

bake to remember, eat to forget is SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!!!!! i havent seen this in any fic recs (me feeling special with a fic with 98k hits omfg) but its so. fucking good. everyone is alive except theres a TWIST!!!!!!!!!!! i love it so much i was confused at first but it. is. so. fucking. worth. it!!!!!!! my bookmark helpfully provides: "there’s no moving on. you’re it for me, stiles. you’re my endgame." (":

somewhere to start is an arranged marriage au wahuhu it has fae stiles!! i love the little story abt sheriff and mama stilinski at the start <3 (": its sosos good i love this i always reread this <3 my bookmark says "of course. i’ll keep you safe, from everything. / being lonely with derek wouldn’t be the worst thing at all." gweheheh

atonement is post-nogitsune stiles ): its really. heartaching. and more of a char study and its just. god. i love reading post-nogitsune stiles. my bookmark is "no one’s fault. not his, not yoshiko’s or the oni’s, not anyone but the nogitsune’s." which is really, gaaah.

GAAAAHHH THIS ISNT ANY ROMANTIC FIC its a sciles growing up thingy. dude, bro has ftm stiles and his journey with it and how scott helped him throughout the ugly parts of lifew.. i fucking love this so much it makes me cry when i think about it. my bookmark says "scott doesn’t settle for “most.”" which is (":

if i were you is a bodyswap fic with allison and stiles huhuhu............. its so funny and so cute i love it so much ):

wolf pack: beacon original is so good too.. it has hale pack ANDDD alive laura!! theyre in a motorcycle club! i love that cause my family used to be in one! ehehehe i love it sm its so nice

darling, dearest, dead PLEASE. this is the fucking,. the one. a fic. this fic. dear fucking god. stiles is so fucking weird and beautiful im so obsessed with him. this is the stiles in my mind i think. if theres a fic to describe all my interests in one. this is it. my bookmark literally says it all: "“i’d possess you,” stiles says, like this is a grand romantic gesture."

what's a secret identity? its just derek as superman. thats it,. im obsessed with it

thats all. bwahahahaha maybe ill make another list im on a hunt for good stiles character studies (": i love stiles! i hope you enjoy these fics i tried not to list the common ones but yes! stiles! scott! derek! wow!

Just Bucky comforting Steve when he is sad.

(Is this a self indulgent ask because I am sad? Yes. Am I ashamed? Only a little bit)

the best shit!!! i wrote a little depressed steve ficlet with comforting bucky and boys showering together! enjoy!

-

Spring was finally starting to bloom, bringing with it blue skies and sunny weather, and Steve watched as shadows danced across the wall. Guilt threatened to climb in his throat; Bucky had mentioned maybe going on a picnic that weekend, and of course Steve had to go and be useless instead.

But he couldn’t seem to shake the static that had filled his head, or the numbness that had spread to every pore in his body. His gut felt heavy in his stomach, lungs compressed by some invisible weight on his chest, and he knew how this was going to go. Days crawling by in bitter indifference before he would be able to peel himself out of the warmth of his bed and find some wherewithal to be a human being.

There was a soft knock at the door and Steve lifted his head, glancing over his shoulder to see Bucky peek his head into the room.

“Hey, can I come in?” he asked. Steve shrugged, and Bucky slipped inside, padding over to the bed and sitting on the edge. His hand came to rest on Steve’s hip, fingers pressing gently into his bone. “How are you feeling?” Steve shrugged again, and Bucky hummed, apologetic.

“Still shitty,” Steve mumbled.

“You think I could talk you into a shower?” Bucky asked, his hand moving up Steve’s side. It was soothing, and Steve was starkly reminded of when Bucky would rub his back when he was ill, coaxing him to relax when the pain in his muscles wouldn’t let him. It was a different pain now-- a quieter war waged in his head-- but Bucky’s presence was equally as comforting.

“You saying I smell, Barnes?” Steve tried to joke, but his tone came out blank and dull.

Bucky snorted anyway. “You always smell,” he teased, then bent down to kiss Steve’s temple. “C’mon, I think it might make you feel different, at least.”

Steve wanted to protest, because his legs didn’t feel like they could hold him up right now, and the prospect of getting out of bed and into the shower-- the sheer thought of washing himself was too much. Bucky seemed to sense this, though.

“I can get in with you.”

Steve peeked at him, and saw nothing but non-judgemental sincerity in Bucky’s eyes. For a moment, he was afraid he might cry. Bucky was so goddamn good to him; kind and understanding. Unafraid to weather the lows-- both the quiet and the loud. And through it all, he never thought he was bad or useless.

“I don’t wanna make you,” Steve said, looking down again.

“You’re not,” Bucky said, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair instead. “I’m offering, you clutz.”

Steve’s lips quirked up. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m positive.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Bucky helped him slink out of bed, then stopped at the dresser to grab Steve’s favorite pair of black boxer briefs for him. In the bathroom, Steve watched as Bucky turned on the shower, twisting the knob to the warmest setting they could handle. He felt his eyes glaze over, the sound of the shower loud and pulsing. His limbs felt heavy, and the idea of undressing felt too big. Too much. Bucky glanced at him.

“You stuck?”

Steve ducked his head, ashamed, and reached for his pajama pants to pull them down. Bucky clicked his tongue, coming over to pull him into a hug. Letting out a shuddering breath, Steve sagged into him. The lump in his throat doubled in size.

“Sorry,” he croaked. “I’m sorry.”

“Ain’t no sorry,” Bucky said, squeezing him tight and kissing his temple. “Just a bad day. Not your fault.”

“Still feel bad about it,” Steve admitted.

“I know,” Bucky murmured. “That’s okay. You can feel that; that’s allowed.” His hands found the hem of Steve’s shirt and he stepped back a little. “Arms up.” Steve rolled his eyes, but let Bucky strip him out of his shirt. He pulled off his own pajama pants and boxers while Bucky undressed, and they climbed into the shower, immediately coming together again under the spray. Bucky’s arms wrapped around his shoulders, swaying them in the warmth of the steam. Incrementally, Steve felt the static in his head soften to a faint ringing, the water on his back clearing some of the fog in his head. Eventually, he felt Bucky reach for something, and the smell of his coconut shampoo filled the space as he squeezed some out onto his hand.

“Can I wash your hair?” Bucky asked. Steve nodded and didn’t lift his head. “M’kay.”

Bucky hummed a soft tune as he gently urged Steve to stand up straighter. His hands pressed into Steve’s hair, and Steve shivered as his fingers pressed into his scalp. The world seemed to halt after that, the quiet intimacy of Bucky washing his hair draining tension further from his shoulders, siphoning out of his pores and washing down the drain. The numbness would take a while to follow, but as he took a breath in, he felt his lungs fill more than they had before.

Wordlessly, Bucky shielded his eyes as he rinsed the shampoo out of his hair. Steve looked at him, watching the careful focus on his face as he went through the motions.

Reaching out, he touched Bucky’s cheek. “Thank you.”

Bucky looked at him, and smiled, eyes crinkling in a way that Steve still failed to capture perfectly on canvas.

“Anytime.”

-

thanks for reading, y'all!

Hi everyone, just wanted to address what happened last night along with some other things from before that all tie in together.

There’s multiple parts to the following post - please make sure you read all of it if you’re gonna take the time to even start.

It was midnight and y'all were still jumping in on anon and telling me how I'm awful for not commenting, owning up, or taking responsibility - I should have been in bed. I have a life and job outside this app; and with the several of you in my inbox and it being too late at night to address each, I’m gonna do it now. I can’t not say something about all of this. I just can’t keep quiet and ignore the problem - it’s not fair to you all. Deleting one post already has you guys even more riled up and all I wanted to do was offer something better than a “half-hearted apology” (it was very late at night when I wrote that very short apology, and wanted a redo tbh). 

I really didn't want to make a long post like this. I reached out to a select few on here because I care about them (there's more of you, but like I said, it was at the time after midnight and I was fucking exhausted). but I was being demanded for accountability. So here I am.

Allow me to be real with you all, if that's ok. If it's not, well, idk. First I wanna address all you anons, who, instead of speaking to me one on one about all this, want to criticize me and shame me and my writing when truthfully it feels like you haven't even read more than a handful of my work. I didn’t realize that I write the clones all the same way? That I always make them super aggressive and uncaring and dom? “you write every single clone as so dominant instead as unique individual men with their own personalities” Interesting. See, that right there tells me you haven't read nearly enough of my stuff for me to believe that's true. That's one accusation I absolutely will not back you on because I know it’s inaccurate - saying how I group the clones into some overly-aggressive, and uncaring category - that I always write all of them as mean in bed because they're men of color. And hey, if I do write rough smut - which yeah, it's out there and I write it, as do a lot of you - there are warnings at the beginning, aftercare, dialogue, reader sharing their feelings, and most importantly... consent between the two. That’s what warnings are for, so that you know what you’re going to be reading. That’s why I, as we all do, appreciate warnings listed at the tops of fics; honestly, write them sub or dom or switch or however you want but don’t come at me like that. I’m sorry if I'm coming across as rude because I'm usually not, I’m one of the nicest people you’ll meet, but I will not stand idly by while you chastise my writing (writing that is pretty much the same type of stuff a lot of you write & rb with the same characters) that you haven’t read enough of to back such claims.

Next: Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart,

I get it. Really, I do. I fully understand the problem of whitewashing in SW along with almost everywhere else, and I do not agree with it. It's a huge problem, and it needs to be rectified. Now just because I don't speak publicly about it and opt out of publicly shaming TBB, doesn't mean that I agree with what’s going on. Not everyone is comfortable with sharing their opinions on a subject, no matter what that subject is or which side they're on. You live and you learn when it comes to that. 

It has never been my intention to fetishize POC in my writing, which btw, the same people who are saying that it is my intention are the ones claiming I portray all of the clones as the same, aggressive men, lacking their individuality. It’s a claim that is simply not true, and I know I have followers on here to back me up on that. I know what I've written; how about you check it out and tell me that you don't see the words "soft" or "fluff" or "cuddling" or “gentle” or “tender” within my work linked in my ML. Clone character being a good partner and father? Tender love making? Holding each others faces in their hands? “We/you survived” sex? Taking care of their partner? Saying “I love you” to one another? Confirming the safe word and going slow at first? Oh my - riveting and harsh stuff - totally unacceptable.  

Now: My admittedly problematic writings of Rex + Zygerria,

I went into writing that rp fic totally unaware and unknowing of the true implications. For that, I sincerely apologize. When I posted the NSFW alphabet, that’s when I was called out on that rp fic - not when I first posted it. Which the timeline doesn’t matter, I know that, but it concerns me a little bit that no one spoke up about it sooner - letting me dig myself deeper into a hole that I didn’t realize I was inside of in the first place. I've apologized once, and I know that doesn't negate what happened; I acknowledged my mistake back then, but I suppose that wasn’t good enough. I had asked you, anon, to message me to give me guidance, to teach me on what to do about the fic - you stayed hidden. Well, respectfully, what the fuck? I know we're all adults but don't lecture me and avoid me when I’d literally reached out for guidance on how to properly rectify the issue. I fixed my wording in some of my fics (the things I’ve caught upon rereading them) because I recognized and more importantly learned about and from my mistakes along with the unintentional negative implications of how I wrote those characters. Some of y'all wanna tell me that I "haven't learned"? Who are you, my personal blog police? My professor? My life coach? Are you even my friend? If I'm wrong and haven't learned, then fucking educate me. I worked hard on that rp fic, just like I do with a majority of what I write, but it doesn’t matter because I will delete it knowing that it’s harmful to others and I apologize for inadvertently romanticizing slavery with what I wrote - it was unintentional, and I’m truly sorry to those who have been hurt by it. I know it’s wrong, and there’s no proper excuse for it. Can’t go back in time, but consider it gone now.

Since that first wakeup call, I’ve been working hard to ensure I avoid using certain words and ideas when describing the clones in my fics. If there’s still something you see that isn’t correct or is inappropriate, please tell me! Don’t hold it in but then jump on the “attack M” bandwagon. Private message me, or come peacefully off or on anon, there will be no hard feelings. I don’t mind being corrected when I make a mistake - that’s just part of life, we all make mistakes and we live and learn from them. Making mistakes doesn’t = scumbag human. When you hold your breath and choose not to take the time to guide me, and if I appear to still be making the same mistakes, well, idk. I’m telling you right now that I do not mind if you message me with the good intention of pushing me in the right direction. When you come at me with hostility on anon, well, no thank you. To the anons that came without rage: thank you! I read what you wrote, and I have a better understanding as to how my writing had hurt the lovely followers of mine, and tried to address as much as possible in this post. See, angry mob anons? It costs zero credits to be kind and offer up your thoughts and advice with a good heart. I’m not going to hate you or block you if you try to correct me. I don’t block unless you’re a snoopin’ minor. Just don’t hold a knife to my throat.

Now: Why did I delete the tags and then my response to that anon ask? 

Simply put: I felt awful. Deleting it doesn’t immediately mean I’m hiding from it and ignoring the issue. I wanted to come up with a better apology, explanation, whatever you wanna call it, because my followers deserve that. The ones who enjoy my work, the ones who interact, the ones who I call my friends, the ones who know that I’m a good person. Didn’t want to leave the tags/post floating around all night, giving more people time to sharpen their pitchforks and join the mob while I attempted to sleep. Trust me, I know saying that I had no ill intentions when tagging that post doesn’t make it better nor does it make it go away. I’m just trying to show you my point of view, that I knew immediately how I should not have tagged it that way, so that’s why I deleted them. I corrected my mistake. But y’all are too fucking quick I swear.

One more thing:

I know some of you who had called me out with the passive-aggressive inbox messages are still following me, and for what? You don’t like what I post, which is why one would follow another in the first place, so why bother sticking around? Do you feel like you need to police my blog? You want to be there the literal minute I make a mistake? I’m gonna turn off anon for a bit, so if you wanna discuss, message me. Just know that if you’re going to come at me with knives out, I probably won’t reply to you. 

To conclude:

I’m sorry. Truly sorry for the entire Rex + Zygerria outfit + slaver ordeal with both the fic from a while ago and then the tags from last night. We can’t go back in time; the only option is to correct past mistakes that are able to be corrected, and then move on with new knowledge that’ll aid in me working even harder to ensure my writing isn’t inappropriate or offensive, and doesn’t hurt my followers nor the characters I write for. I’m still going to write self-indulgent filth and fluff, post-order 66 Rex, and other misc shit. I enjoy writing fanfic, as I know a lot of you enjoy reading what I write and love to talk to me about it. I hope that this didn’t come off as me being a bitch, because I’m really not. I enjoy interacting with the handful of people on here that I’d call my friends, and I love reading your reactions and tags to my fics when you’re excited and/or horny (LOL). It’s just after lunch time where I’m at, so I hope you have a great rest of the day/night/morning whatever for wherever you are.  

<3 

M

Strength In Numbers

Originally a prompt from @supernaturalimagine: Imagine being a hunter with TFW and getting diagnosed with cancer, so the boys help you through everything

Word Count: 1802

Warnings: Cancer, awkward hugs, angst, mentions of medical testing including blood, alcohol as a coping mechanism

A/N: This became a truly self indulgent piece, I wrote this while nearing my own five year anniversary of beating cancer and I thought (and still think to this day) “What if it came back?”

The day you hoped would never happen and dreaded has finally come. It was supposed to be so simple. Go in. Draw some blood. Get the results and OK from the doc. Leave and be on your merry way. There weren’t supposed to be any extra tests. No CAT-scans. No ultrasounds. Not this. Please, God, not this. You were supposed to die on a hunt. Maybe by demon or eaten by a werewolf or hexed by a witch. Not something as ordinary and mundane and everyday as this.

You got back to the bunker as quietly as possible and went to the dining room. You got a pie fresh from the bakery downtown, some pizza, and five bottles of the grocery store’s most expensive whiskey. You didn’t know how your boys would react but you planned on drinking at least two bottles yourself.

You figured the two Winchesters were either in their rooms or the library. Cas, you hoped, would  come when you prayed to him. You opened the first pizza box, a meat lovers, and within 20 seconds flat Dean and Sam came and started chomping on the slices like the gigantors they are. Dean let out an indecent moan making you roll your eyes as you picked up your own slice.

The older Winchester eyed the pie. “Pizza and pie? Holy shit, y/n. I could kiss you!”

You wrinkled your nose. “Not with your mouth full of pizza mush you won’t!” You all talked about the current case they were working on. Possibly a ghost in a town a couple states over. You offered to help anyway you could, even if it was playing “sympathetic stranger” to the vics’ loved ones.

After a while you set out four tumblers and filled them while silently praying to Cas.

“Hello, Y/n. You called?” asked Cas.

“Hiya, Cas.” You greeted warmly. “Just wanted to know if you wanted to eat and drink with us. Even got the hamburger pizza you like.” wagging your brows. Cas squinted at you and for a second you worried that he had you figured out. After a moment though he sat down and ate the pizza quietly.

The four of you ate and drank and after about a half hour you felt the tell-tale sign of the warmth spreading through your body. You poured even more in your glass, emptying it and placing it on the ground and replacing it with another. You thought you saw Sam and Dean give each other a look at that, but you were too consumed in trying to figure out how to tell them to care.

You looked up from your glass and smiled a bit too brightly. “Who wants pie? I could go for some pie.” That time you see that all of your boys shared a look. There was no denying it.

Sam was the first one to break the silence. “Um, not that we don’t appreciate all of... this,” he started, gesturing towards the pizza, whiskey, and pie, “but, um, what’s all this about?” At your (faux) confused look he stumbled over his words trying to elaborate. “It just seems a bit...”

“Over the top,” supplied Dean, taking a drink.

 Sam nodded in agreement. “Yeah...over the top. We just want to know everything’s okay.” The other two nodded in assent.

You looked at your boys. Your family. You drank the rest of your whiskey in one go, creating a grounding burning sensation in your throat.

“Uh, there is something I need to tell you.” Immediately they tensed up and you rushed to soothe them. “Don’t worry it’s not anything supernatural or anything. Definitely not any kind of monster or demon or ghost or anything.” You let out a bitter laugh and poured more alcohol. “Definitely not.”

You watched Dean furrow and unfurrow his brows as he thought over those words.

But it was Cas who asked, “then, what is it you need to announce that would require so much alcohol?”

You laughed a bit too loud, making everyone in the room, even Cas, cringe. “Um, remember just after we met, we were swapping hunting stories...you saw the scar on my chest and asked about it, and I told you it was from a surgery and left it at that?” The boys nodded. “Obviously that’s not the whole story so.”

“Then what is?” you weren’t looking but you could feel Sam staring at you as he asked that.

“It’s where they put in the device they needed to inject my chemo. I am--I was a cancer survivor.” Met with silence you charged on with your oh-so-tragic-backstory. “Just before my freshman year of high school, I was diagnosed with Leukemia. Because of the type, all I needed was chemo. Hence the device. I’ve been in remission since I was sixteen, and I even made the five-year mark so yay me! Right? They say once you make it past the five year mark you’re basically cured right?” You drank even more and refilled their glasses before replacing the empty bottle for another. You felt a burning in your eyes and throat and you knew it wasn’t from the whiskey. Well, at least not completely.

“I went to the doctor today. Even after the five year mark they wanna check over you every so often. Make sure everything’s all peachy ya know? They got the blood work back and, uh,” you coughed out a laugh, desperately trying to hold back tears, “they found some numbers in the labs. Of course by then I already knew what it was. But they had to do everything by the book. So they did the tests. In the exact same order too. It was like being a scared little teenager all over again,” you stated, the first tear falling.

You heard a shuffle of movement, and felt a bunch of arms wrapping around you. “Um, it seems that, uh, apparently I r-relapsed.” You choked on the last word and started sobbing. “I was in treatment for over two years. I was, was doing so well. I-I’ve been cl-clean so long. After f-f-five years it’s supposed to be like imposs-impossible to relapse!” you cried out between sobs. “It’s not fair!” After that you laid your arms on the table, your head on your arms. Crying so hard you couldn’t speak anymore.

You felt a hand stroke your hair away from the table. Another rubbed circles on your back and two more grabbed your hands. Stroking the back with the pads of the thumbs. You guessed by the jerky movement hand on your back it was Cas’. The hands holding yours weren’t as calloused as Dean’s, making them Sam’s. Meaning that the oldest Winchester was the one stroking your hair, resting his cheek on your head. Of all the ways you imagined having hands everywhere on you...this was not fucking it.

How long you cried you didn’t know, but you did eventually slow down a bit. They continued to comfort you the whole time.

Once it was mostly sniffles and shaky breaths from you, you heard Dean softly ask Cas, “Can’t you do anything? Can’t you cure her?”

You knew it was a long shot, and weren’t even surprised when he murmured, “No. It’s beyond my powers to cure someone of an illness of the body’s own making.”

Dean raised his voice just a bit, but obviously trying to be soft for your sake. “But what about when Zach gave Sam cancer and then took it back?” You had no idea what Dean’s talking about so you assumed this was before you joined them.

“Like you said, it was Zachariah who gave it to Sam, so he was able to get rid of it. Besides, Zachariah was higher in rank than I was. Had more power. Sam’s was artificial. Y/n’s cancer is from her own body. No outside influences. Only an archangel or God himself could do what you’re asking.”

You raised your head a bit, just enough to state, “I did it the last time without God or the others. I can do it this time without them too.” You looked at your hands, still enclosed in Sam’s. “I don’t need God, I just need my family. Even if from afar.” You added on with a weak and watery smile.

Sam gave you a confused look. “‘Afar’? Why--? You don’t see us sticking with you through this?”

“...I’ll be in a hospital. With cops, Sam. With a shit load of security cameras.” Your voice gained some strength. “Not to mention I’ll have to give my real information. DOB, SSN, I’ll be on the grid again. You might be recognized and you can’t risk it. I can’t let you risk it. Not for this. Not for me.” You stated firmly.

You felt a puff of air against your head, and twisted to look up at Dean who was rolling his eyes. Cas looked remorseful, whether it was because of what was happening or because he couldn’t do anything about it you weren’t sure.

You raised an eyebrow at Dean, silently asking what that was about to which he responds, 

“C’mon Y/n. Do you really think that something small like security cameras is enough to scare us off? Since when do we run from them?”

You shook your head in exasperation. “Dean, this isn’t a laughing matter. I don’t want to be the reason you’re finally caught and sent to jail. I can’t have that on my conscience. I can’t be the reason you guys are locked up with who knows how many monsters and demons are roaming the world. I can’t-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Dean ceased your rant by turning your chair and placing his hands on your shoulders. “First of all, we’re with you no matter what, so whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with us and we’re not leaving you. Second of all, you know we know how to avoid things like cameras and how to ditch the cops. You’re not doing this on your own, we won’t let you.”

“Won’t let me? What like I won’t let you risk it all for me?”

“Yeah, sweetheart, exactly like that.”

You sighed, looking up and tried to blink back more tears that you already felt coming. “...I don’t get a say in this, do I?”

This time Sam scoffed and you briefly wondered if you should be offended they seem to be rapidly making disparaging you a past time. “Not a chance. Dean’s right, you’re right. You weren’t alone last time and you’re sure as hell not going to be alone this time. We’re with you, y/n.”

You sniffled and looked at each one of your boys. Look each of them in the eye and say, “Thank you.”

oh that makes me curious... do you think zenitsu was thrown between orphanages and foster homes as a kid? or maybe he was in one until he ran away, either when he eloped or some time before and then lived on the street from then... or did he just live on the streets his whole childhood? ive been wondering this for days and its been on my mind for ages

*deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

first of all id like to say that i have like three fic ideas that explore his past (whether it focuses on how he grew up or not) BUT THANK U FOR INDULGING ME GUYS IM DEFINITELY RAMBLING ABT EACH OF THEM NOW… (this is a fucking monster tho. so its under read more)

* @anon THATS A WHOLE ASS MOOD TBH. i spend literal hours at night thinking abt whether he was in an orphanage or a street kid. ive wrote him living in the streets  and getting sent to an orphanage when he was caught stealing. whereas i ALSO have mindless scribbled notes of modern au where his parents left him in an orphanage but bc of bad experiences (and thats putting it lightly) he gets sent to different homes A LOT and eventually gets kicked out at some point, ILL GET TO THAT LATER IN A BIT

* SINCE im trying to NOT write a fic here ill just list down headcanons and stuff bc YEET!!!! and for the sake of convenience lets just say he was both sent to an orphanage and lived as a street kid :”DD

* lets talk abt hcs ive seen first,, jpn fandom mostly all seem to hc him as a street kid who lived by working on odd jobs and the sort. ofc more often than not he just gets the bare amount for payment and the people he works for arent really nice :(( they never have the nicest words to say and sometimes they even hit him. zen sometimes endures it bc its not like he has much of a choice in the end. other times he runs away crying and scared.

* he also doesnt really have a permanent home so he wanders a lot carrying what little stuff he owns (probably a few clothes or a worn-out futon or something)

* he’s taken advantage of a lot,, whether it’d be people tricking him into doing some work saying ‘he’ll be given something good in return’ or something equally vague. he usually wonders why their words sound so kind in comparison to their heartbeats that sound… off,, its not until he’s older that he gets an answer to that question

* bc he cant be picky i like to think that its not that hard for him to sleep somewhere uncomfortable. he also curls up a lot into a ball when he sleeps. he likes being cooped up into small spaces, it makes him feel safe and that no one can get him. 

* was initially very verbal about his hearing condition (something along the lines of saying ‘i heard you say that ____’ or ‘hey, do you hear that’ etc etc.) people think hes creepy and/or he’s lying most of the time. he eventually doesnt really wanna talk about it anymore once someone came this close to threatening to cut his ears off.

* i think we can say that zen lived in the city? its why he likes expensive things and the sort, and he has a lot of stock knowledge about how the city works and stuff like that, not to say that he’s ever really participated in it 

* as a child (and even as he got older) zenitsu’s favorite season is spring, autumn being a close second. he likes spring bc the air is fresh and he can find flowers in the outskirts of the city, surviving despite growing in cracked concrete. he makes little flower crowns out of them!

* he likes autumn bc the way the leaves change is pretty! but its only second to spring bc the flowers usually wilt by then and he gets cold :(

* he doesnt like winter simply because it is VERY cold. he dislikes summer the most tho bc the sound of literal thousands of cicadas give him a lot of headaches aaa 

* is very used to being hungry when he goes to sleep. he makes due with it as best as he can. one of his fondest memories is a frail old man who owns a sweet bun cart that gives him buns in exchange for a lower price than what he actually sells them for. on a day where he thinks the old man looks more tired and quiet than usual, zenitsu takes it upon himself to give him a flower crown. 

* unfortunately he never is able to give it, bc the next day, or days after that, zenitsu never sees him again.

* he has experience bein a sneaky little thief! its the reason on why he can easily take sweets without permission at the butterfly estate in canon hehe

* but its this very same reason that he gets sent to an orphanage, he gets caught! and bc he is a Literal Child. they send him to foster care woohoo

* (GOD THIS IS GETTING SO LONG BUT PLS DEAL WITH MY RAMBLING….)

* i dont have a clear idea on how zenitsu couldve been treated in an orphanage. but all in all, he’s just very grateful to be given some kind of semblance of a home and food

* he learned how to speak (barely) when he lived in the streets, but they teach the basic minimum and suddenly he’s learning all these sorts of things

* the people who took care of them arent the most affectionate, neither are the kids he lives with. zenitsu’s crying is often really looked down upon, he tries to stop but he can’t really help it. he’s not really anyones favorite person here

* there’s a small somewhat neglected garden in the orphanage’s backyard. he spends his time here when everyones playing and no one wants to play with him

* every time someone comes to adopt a kid he cries and begs for them to adopt him whenever they show a spark of interest towards him. it goes as bad as u think it does, they dont like that type of kid, and as such they assume everyone else is like that and leaves w/o taking anyone. zenitsu isnt allowed to eat dinner in these nights ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

* bc of the latter reason, kids gang up and bully him a lot. zenitsu tries to go along w it bc its the ONLY time anyone ever pays attention to him, but at the end of the day the only thing he gets is scratches and bruises from being pushed around and lots of words that hurt his heart

* (WAHH. OPK OK IM SORRY IM SAD NOW AINNFJKKJFDFHKH..)

* people think he’s a nuisance more or less. and then he gets sent to varied foster homes again and again bc he’s ‘difficult to deal with’ and going back to the first bullet point, he gets kicked out again wAH. at this point he might have been 15 and its when he starts trying to date girls, despite hearing everyone’s sounds of deceit and lies time and time again, he still goes through with it. and the rest is canon, 

OK. thats basically my brain vomit about zenitsu backstory. i am deceased and IM JUST PURELY FROTHING AT THE MOUTH EVERYTIME I THINK ABT HIM KDFKLGDFDGHF. thank u sm if u read this far, i appreciate it ;_______;

Sorry about this rant. I wrote this early on today, saved it to go do something, then never got back to it. I’m posting it because I hate deleting after wasting time writing it.

 In case you are wondering, the day did not get better. I ended up cutting brush (something “useful”) instead of going to the woods. The flies would have gotten me either way....

So you wanna know what kind of day it is?

 It’s a day where after just three hours of sleep you start discovering new things you need to worry about, things start breaking, and even tiny things go wrong. All the bites, injuries, and other physical aggravations are, um, aggravated. You discover that the power company cutting trees near powerlines did some  damage, which isn’t technically “a problem” but is upsetting. Even your pets are in a grumpy mood. And then, when you try to call the one person you have to vent to, they are too busy to talk today, but you end up discovering new reasons to worry.

Obviously the thing to do now is to take a walk in the woods and temporarily escape all the troubles.....

Except the deer flies are swarming. Step out of the house and get eaten alive.

***sigh***

I’d wish I’d stayed in bed if I had the luxury of actually doing that.

No, seriously, anyone that can spend a day being non-functional I envy. It must be lovely to know you have someone that will check you are still alive and temporarily take on some of your responsibilities if you are starting to crack.

 Even in the old days, I never got to stay in bed all day when I was sick. If you want to eat, you’d have to go get it. If you can stand to do something, you’d do it. If you were really bad off you could rest, but the only way you did that all day was if you were at death’s door. It’s just the way we always were. We’d help each other, but everyone expected to keep going until we dropped. You do as much as you can take, and you push it as far as you can. 

 The day after a wreck that gave me a concussion, broken ribs, and smashed elbows I was home alone, but I didn’t rest. I spent my day feeling horrible, but still, gently as I could, unloading a trailer full of stuff that had been in the wrecked pickup, cooking a meal, dragging a small boat up the driveway, and so forth. No one was making me do it, but I knew these things needed doing, and technically I could. Resting felt lazy and neglecting what needed doing, and that’s knowing that my folks would be back that evening. 

But now there are no folks to get things done if I can’t. What I don’t do doesn’t get done. Back then, of course, the idea of staying in bed for emotional reasons would have been unthinkable. 

The family wasn’t cruel or anything, but emotional difficulties were supposed to be ignored or contained before they got in the way of doing things. You can get over it if you just want to, you don’t have to be weak, there isn’t anything wrong with you but you aren’t trying hard enough, there is no point in giving in to your feelings... I don’t mean you couldn’t cry or rage. You could express them, but that was it. Express but don’t indulge. You didn’t have to fake being happy, but you also couldn’t stop. 

I guess they were always ashamed if me, quitely, unspoken, a sad regret and exasperation with me. Oh, generally I was always a “keep going” person too, but that was with physical stuff. Chores to do, difficult tasks, problems to solve... Social things were different. 

Stuff happened in kindergarten. Bad stuff. And school proved total hell. I changed in several ways, dramatically and suddenly. Critically, I’d been a fearless extrovert and and I became a frightened introvert almost overnight. 

Yeah, nowadays parents would probably see my changes as something to be concerned about. They would wonder what had happened to me. But back then it was assumed to be just a shyness phase. I was being over sensitive and needed to tough up. “Obviously” I would if I just wanted to. 

So I ended up the one member of the family that didn’t just “get over” emotionally upsetting things as easily as I could injuries or illnesses. I could always push past fear or pain when the problem was physical, and I’m still great at that. Anxiety around peopling, however, could stop me. I have the distinction of being the first member of my family in generations to not graduate college, but not because of any lack of intellectual capacity. My stress around people, humans being FAR more dangerous than any rattlesnake, should have been something I could defeat, but instead it defeated me. 

You know, I’d sometimes say how pathetic and weak I’d been because I’d let myself be broken in elementary school. Mom would roll her eyes and say I’d never broken in my life. I could never get her to understand we were talking about different things. She was talking about my willingness to go against the crowd and defy those in power. She was thinking of the me that goes fearless when guns point at me, who insisted on giving a speech/rant about how the school system must change (did it? Hardly) instead of the expected Valedictorian glop, and nearly took on a cop for kicking a cat. 

Those are the easy things. The big things. If it involves something I consider morally and ethically wrong, if it involves abuse or bullies, if it involves anyone so much as attempting to force to compromise my beliefs I forget to be afraid. Defiance and resistance are almost intoxicating actually. To confront an enemy and refuse to yield to their threats or violence can make you feel strong, even as they erode you physically. TBH, I wonder how much of what allows people to become martyrs is just the brain going “FUCK YOU” to a force that wants them to reshape their soul. 

You know, it’s probably good I’m broke and live in a town of less than 500 people. I’d probably have gotten myself killed at a protest by now. 

The smaller things get me. The normal things. The things others shrug off or never even notice. Send me against an army, but don’t send me into a store with no customers and an eager salesperson ready to “help”! 

So as far as I am concerned I am the coward, the weak and broken one, the one that knows she should let nothing stop her but then fails. The fact I am unfliching with things others fear means nothing when things that hardly bother “normal” people terrify me.

Anyway, to get back to the point, emotionally screwy as I am, I have always tried to keep going. 

Relentlessly bullied in school I’d still get up every damn morning and go to that hell hole. Once a year I’d have a sort of “break down” day in the spring, and I’d run off into to the woods and hide long enough to miss the beginning of classes. When I did that my parents never made me go, and we wouldn’t really talk about it. I’d just help Pop out in the shop the rest the day, and it would be back to school the next day with a note saying I’d been sick. 

And I guess that was my equivalent of staying in bed. Well, except with out the bed or getting to not do anything. Because no matter how miserable I felt I had to get up and be useful.

Back then if I honestly couldn’t do something it would still get done. Mom or Pop would take care of my chores if I was too sick or hurt, if my ingrained sense of responsibility would allow me to let them. Theoretically, if I could shut off my instinct to do, and ignore the family expectation that I try to do, I could have stayed in bed. It’s the beauty of having people that love you.

But now I’m alone. I have to get up or the animals don’t get fed. I have a multitude if things that need repairing or taking care of, including living in a literally collapsing house (the House of Usher I call it)  I have to cook my meals and do my laundry amd wash my dishes and....I really hate doing those things. Well, Iove the animals, but the rest is either overwhelming and complex or boring and tedious. No one will help me. 

So now I spend a lot of time fantasizing about staying in bed all day. I dream about having someone just honestly care and offer a hand they don’t pull back when I reach for it. I daydreamed one day about someone checking on me, amd finding me sick they insist I go to bed while they feed the animals and fix me soup. I started sobbing when I thought about it, a fantasy as unrealistic for me as trying to imagine imagine how you will soend your fortune when you win the lottery. 

The people that have a cushion of love, be they friends or family, don’t fuckin’ know how lucky they are. I understand, because once upon a time I had people that loved me too. Just because we tried never to use that cushion doesn’t mean it wasn’t comforting to know it was there.

Thank you so much for your time and energy in bringing us information about Anne Lister's journals. I heard a clip by Whitbread in which she indicated that Anne Lister believed incurring a cross was a sin as well as having sex with another woman. My understanding is that AL believed god made her as she was and thus she felt no guilt about her sexual orientation (nor would I think masturbating about a woman) and I've not read she felt any guilt about her orientation. What say you?

hey, thank you so much for the nice message :) A while ago I found a very interesting analysis of the sentence “incurred a cross” used by Anne to indicate when she masturbated. You’ll find the link to the whole article after the quote (it’s an essay about concealing masturbation in diaries). I think it answers your question:

The symbol [”+” and “x”] and the terminology (“incurred a cross”) signify the quasi-religious and penitential meaning—she regularly prayed to God for the willpower to resist such sexual indulgences (Whitbread/Holme 2016, 45) [it looks like this information can be found in “Secret Diaries Past & Present” by Helena Whitbread and Natasha Holme which I personally haven’t read yet]

(…) the term “incurred” is telling; as if she regarded it as an injury or illness—a view with which the medical anti-masturbation discourse of her time clearly agrees. The quote “escaped from +” also suggests her negative opinion about masturbation. This can also be inferred from another entry. In an excerpt written in “crypthand,” Lister explicitly refers to onanism in a negative way. It is an account of a conversation with Miss Pickford, with whom Lister had a “strong, platonic friendship.” Lister tried to convince Miss Pickford that relationships with women were better than “onanism”: “This [onanism] is surely comparatively unpardonable. There is no mutual affection to excuse it” (Lister 2010, 296) [the journal entry in question is Tuesday 5 August 1823]. However, the tiny crosses in the margins of her diary seem to indicate that her condemnation of masturbation was more rhetoric than practise.

source: Tiny Symbols Tell Big Stories Naming and Concealing Masturbation in Diaries (1650–1940)

I am not an historian, and I’ve not read ALL Anne’s journal, but if you wanna know my opinion this is it: we should always keep in mind the context and the specific time period we are discussing when we are discussing something about Anne Lister, because people change with time. Are we discussing Anne Lister in 1820 or Anne Lister in 1830? Like everyone, Anne Lister changed and matured, and some of her opinions changed as well over time. There are many many occasions where AL writes that the way she acted, what she did and what she felt towards women was completely natural. For sure she grew more and more comfortable with her sexuality as she got older, I think that’s just a thing that happens and it’s natural and normal.

So, in short, yes, sure, I do think she probably felt some sort of “shame” or “guilt” when she masturbated, but that comes more from the fact that back then masturbation was considered a sin in general, regardless of sexuality, than anything else. Was it a serious thing? Did she actually feel guilty? From her behaviour and the fact that she didn’t put a stop to it, well, I don’t think so. And I also don’t think she seriously thought that having sex with a woman was a sin. She liked and enjoyed sex way too much. She wanted to have sex with other women. She never tried to avoid it. She enjoyed courting and seducing the women she liked, she enjoyed sex with them and then she wrote about how good (or bad) it was… I mean, lol.

Sleep Aid

A Si/Oc x Sigma fanfiction

Plot: Uahi and Sigma are up late from insomnia, stressed and jittery from the day’s activities, they decide to do something to relax.

Tags: Mutual M, Age Difference, Size Difference, Original Female Character, Dirty Talk. Literally just “What if we did X? Haha, just kidding…. Unless?” Comedy-ish. Bad porno. Idk man.

A/N: Self indulgent AF because I’ve decided I need to establish that Uahi and SIgma have “that” kind of relationship - Just a couple of buddies being pals and doing a little bonding. Also The Beast: Part 2 is still getting written, I just had a rough few days and wrote this dumb thing to make myself feel better.

Xx

Uahi laid on what constituted as Sigma’s bed in his lab as she watched him write and rewrite an equation on a board. Her eyes followed the motions of his hands droopily, exhausted from the day’s training yet stupidly wide awake, untapped stores of energy still inside her with no way of getting out at this time at night.

Sigma was in much the same boat, exhausted by a tedious little meeting that went on much later than he expected. Tired yet completely alert, his mind running through a million things at once, a million things that could be done tomorrow, yet his body was forcing him to do them now, even as the numbers and letters he wrote were starting to look more and more like gibberish to his straining eyes. 

The two of them usually sat up late together like this, both insomniacs on even their best days, but tonight just felt especially ridiculous as the clock ticked by, showing the time in bold red numbers.

03:00 AM.

Uahi stretched out on his bed which was much, much larger than her and custom made to fit Sigma’s large body, usually it was a delightful haven for her sore and battered body after a long training day, but tonight it just felt so.. Uncomfortable. No matter how much she twisted and turned, no matter the weird angle she tried to place her limbs in, no matter what she tried she just could not get comfortable.

“Siiiiigmaaaa.” She groaned, loudly, defeated.

Sigma sighed and wiped down his board again, whatever he had written not making any sense to him. “Yes?” He asked, hearing Uahi groan.

“I’m tired.” She grumbles behind him, saying similar multiple times tonight.

“I know, but what can we do?” He says with a sigh, going back to writing… something, on the board.

“Masturbate.” She says before letting out a long “Ayyyyyy.”

Sigma cracks a tired smile at the sound of her fake bostonian accent, easily imagining her shooting him finger guns while saying it. He rolls his eyes a little. Even while completely exhausted his friend didn’t miss an opportunity for a crude joke, how admirable. 

A stretch of silence settled between them, with only the squeaking of his pen against the board as Sigma wrote another batch of equations and Uahi’s steady breathing as she stared up at the ceiling and watched a few wisps of her hair flow above her. 

The idea felt like it hung in the air between them. The two had always been pretty flirtatious with one another, dirty jokes and innuendos a common part of their bantering, but for some reason this instance felt… different. Maybe it was the lack of sleep lowering their inhibitions but the idea of getting off right now sounded really… nice. The total relaxation afterward would probably make trying to sleep easier. It’s worked for them, separately, before...

Doing it now wasn’t that much different from doing it alone… right?

“Haha, that’s a weird thought, right?” She laughed awkwardly and sat up a little on her forearms, looking over at him. 

Sigma is blushing as he looks back at her, too tired to really try and hide it and Uahi unconsciously bites her lip at the sight, he’s always looked so handsome when he blushed. His eyes roamed her body, taking in her relaxed pose and the loose sleeping clothes she wore, admiring her curves and muscles and the intricate tattoos on her arms before his eyes slid up to her face lingering on her lips for a moment before meeting her gaze.

“Unless…” His tone has shifted just a little and it’s her turn to blush, causing him to smile. 

It wasn’t that different… right?

Sigma put his pen down and gently drifted toward Uahi on his bed, who sat up completely and shuffled back until her back hit a wall, eyes locked with his as he came closer and cheeky smile plastered on her face. 

“Damn, didn’t know it was so easy to get you into bed.” She teased as he sat down on the edge and took off his day clothes, throwing them to the side, and leaving himself in an undershirt and boxer briefs.

“To be fair, this is my bed,” He scooted back until his back met the wall next to her, dwarfing her a little in comparison to him, even sitting down, “What should it mean that you’re already here?”

“That you can’t take a hint.” She stuck her tongue out at him and he chuckled.

Settling in next to her, his legs outstretched in front of him, he stretched and yawned, relaxing against the wall, already feeling a sort of warmth pool at the pit of his stomach, the reality of what they were going to do slowly seeping into him.

Uahi felt a little jittery, excitement and embarrassment mixing into a concoction that made her want to both get on with it and to just get up and leave right now, filling her with more restless energy.

They sat silently next to each other, neither knowing exactly how to start, before she piped up “You wanna see my favorite porno?” she asked.

“What?” That sort of caught him off guard and he blinked down at her, face going red again.

“I mean, we’re not just going to try and do this alone, right?” She asked as she got on her knees and crawled toward the edge of the bed, reaching under it.

“I guess not,” He started, looking off to the side a little, feeling a little sheepish. “truth be told, I didn’t really think about it.”

She snorted and brought up his smartpad, talon issued, and most likely monitored. He tried not to use it much outside of his work because of that, but it seemed Uahi had no qualms with using it for any personal activity she wanted as she scooted back next to him, already tapping away in the search menu. As a video loaded up, the title of witch he didn’t catch, she held it up in front of them, and knowing what she wanted without her asking, he suspended it in the air. It was a little funny, they’ve done similar for watching normal movies together, ironic that they’d do the same for a dirty one.

Uahi leaned against him as the video started playing, and she smiled when he heard him scoff at the title, “O-asis University 7: The Hard Professor.” 

“Really? This your favorite dirty movie?” He asked as he watched the video open with a stock video of the city and university.

“Oh, so you’ve seen it before.” She said, wriggling her eyebrows.

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, smiling, “No, but I’ve heard of the series… can’t believe they made seven.”

“They’ve made thirty actually, but I dropped off after seventeen.” She said nonchalantly.

The scene transitioned into a classroom set, shot on a cheap camera of course, though he could give them props for somehow finding something similar to the actual rooms at the University, at least from what he could remember.

“Why did you drop it?” He asked, the talking easing him into the fact he really was going to watch a porno with her.

“Recasting mostly,” She shrugged, “My two favorite actors had such good chemistry, when they got replaced it just wasn’t the same.”

There were two characters on screen, an older but handsome man wearing an ill fitting and cheap looking suit, obviously the ‘hard” professor, and a woman wearing an equally cheap looking knock off of the uniforms there only more… revealing. Their  innuendo filled dialogue was a bit cringy on paper, but the delivery was actually done pretty well, by porn parody standards. Sigma snorted at a particularly awful joke and Uahi giggled, and it went on like that through the painful introduction. When it finally got to actual sex he had to admit, it seemed almost believable, and sort of personal, but it wasn’t really his cup of tea if he was being honest.

He looked over to Uahi to make an observation about the whiteboard in the background containing an interesting equation but when he saw the way her eyes focused on the screen, face red, and worrying her lip between her teeth, he was shut up instantly, feeling his blood run hot at the sight.He watched as Uahi began to fidget a little, her hands balling into her shirt as she watched with rapt attention, legs subtly rubbing together as she got worked up. It was strangely cute… and very arousing. He felt himself harden a little as she shifted around, pressing her thighs together as the scene turned rougher.

Uahi meanwhile was just too focused on what was unfolding to notice Sigma’s staring, the sense of drama and story elements always able to suck her in before the fucking really solidified her attention. She loved the series with her whole heart, and the unfolding relationship between Professor Richard Longhard and Kitty Galore was always her favorite sub plot, plus they were both hot as all hell. 

As the dear professor bent his student over his desk and began teasing her with a light spanking, Uahi’s fingers just about dipped into the waistband of her sleeping shorts, only pulling at it slightly, holding off from actually touching herself due to where she was, still sort of hesitant. 

Sigma noticed this and held back a groan, a hand cupping himself through his boxers as the other flexed on his thigh, attention completely on Uahi as she became a bigger and bigger mess, hair rising higher and higher she got hotter and hotter. 

There was a loud moan coming from the screen and Sigma looked back at it and caught the “hard professor.” slowly stuffing his large meat into the smaller woman while he leaned over her on the desk, whispering something in her ear.

“He has such a pretty dick.” Uahi’s voice came out strained, tinted by the faintest whine but full of desire.

“Not the sort of description I would use.” Sigma said, trying to hold back the waver in his voice as he watched too.

Uahi smiled, “Why, what does your dick look like?~” she teased, wiggling her eyebrows, leaning up into his side.

He gulped and nudged her back playfully, causing her to giggle, “Perfectly normal, if you must know.” 

“Really, not old and wrinkly like you?” She teased harder, hand snaking its way up and into the side of his shirt, small and hot against his skin, tickling his ribs a little.

He swatted her away again, laughing, and she giggled, shifting so that her back was toward the hovering smartpad now and looking at him, “Come on, out with it, I wanna see~” She said, looking at him expectantly, face red with a large, goofy smile.

He chuckled, nerves kind of on fire now that her attention was all on him with his erection so painfully obvious in his briefs. He shifted a little, feeling awkward. He didn’t want to stop, but he definitely didn’t want to be the only one who was exposed.

Uahi saw his hesitance and she realized she probably should break the ice a little first. Quickly, so as not to let herself lose confidence, she pulled her shorts off her legs and threw them over the side of the bed.

His breath hitched, his eyes went wide, his face somehow grew hotter and his hard cock throbbed as Uahi crawled over his leg and sat between his knees, which he widened to make room for her. She sat down and slowly opened her legs for him, making his mouth grow dry as she revealed her wet core to him. 

She felt emboldened by his focused, wide eyed but dazed stare at her, fighting to urge to cover herself as she leaned back onto her forearms. “Your turn, old man.” She said with a wink, and shot him the smuggest smile she could muster in her slowly dizzying state.

Sigma gulped, eyes focused on her glistening lips, as his thumbs hooked into his  waistband, slowly lowering it down. His cock sprang up as the cloth moved off it, hitting him softly in his stomach, and he heard Uahi’s breath hitch at the sight. His gaze moved to her face, and the look she was giving him matched the way she was looking at the video earlier, making his cock throb and his heart clench.

It was not in fact, wrinkly or old, or “perfectly normal” either, he was huge, thick and long, and with a sprinkling of salt and pepper hair at the base. Already leaking a little, and having a beautifully delicious red tip, it made her mouth water.

“It’s uh…  wow… you’re big.” Her voice sounded breathless and he smiled inwardly at it, his ego and confidence getting a sizable boost from that.

“Think I match up with Professor Longhard?” He joked, and she snorted a laugh,

“Honestly I think you’re bigger.” And it was his turn to laugh.

This felt good, nice, two friends just.. Hanging out. 

Uahi leaned over to one arm as her other hand snaked up from beside her and petted her mound in front of him, not touching herself, but just teasing a little. Sigma hummed in approval and his own hand began to lightly feel up his cock, even with his hand wrapped around it at his base a good five inches stood out of his grasp. She drooled a little at the sight and moved her fingers lower over her sex, lightly running it around her lips. She shivered at the feeling, but Sigma could do nothing more than watch and start to move his own hand on his hard cock.

Uahi slipped her own fingers between her slick folds, gathering the wetness and spreading them around, loving the way Sigma moaned at the sight, his hand slightly picking up speed. She spread herself with her fingers with a wink and actually laughed at the way he choked.

“You’re a dirty girl, you know that?” He said with a glare, his hand squeezing himself for more delicious pressure.

“Mhmm, a dirty girl for a dirty old man.” She replied, licking her lips and fluttering her eyes in a very faux sexy manner which made him roll his eyes.

She slipped a finger in herself carefully, and Sigma groaned as he watched it disappear, hand following her speed. She tensed a little at it, more sensitive than she expected, and let out a shaky sigh. She slipped another finger in too, and began to pump them into herself in a steady rhythm, moaning as he began to leak pre at the sight.

“So Beautiful.” The words slipped from his mouth without realizing it, and her body flushed darker.

She moaned and fell back to free her other arm, hand going to rub at her clit, his words hitting her like a freight train with desire. She rolled her hips, the new stimulation putting her closer and closer to the edge.

She was watching him, pupils blown wide with desire, turning her dark brown eyes almost black. He groaned at the sight of her, laid almost bare before him, looking at him with hunger, playing with herself in front of him, watching him, watching his hands and face and his swollen cock. He shifted, shaking as he did, and arched over her, one arm bracing himself next to her head as he continued rutting into his hand, the tip of his cock so achingly close to her core.

“What are you thinking of?” he asked, breathlessly above her flustered face, head framed by the twisting and writhing wisps of her hair..

She bit her lip, looking off to the side, “Y-you.” She said, her voice needy and… vulnerable.

His heart fluttered at the admission and the tone, “And what about me?” He asks, hotly yet tenderly.

She whines and her hips leave the bed for a moment, “Fuck.. i don’t know, just… your stupid handsome face and your stupid big cock and just...” she grinds out before shutting her eyes tightly and taking a moment to breath.

His hand cups her face with his free hand and she leans into it, when she opens her eyes, they’re dark and focused, a dangerous, hungry look.

“I’m thinking about you Sigma, and you, splitting me open.” Her voice was shaky, needy, wanton. 

She lifts her hips again, rolling them, making the faintest hint of contact between them  and making him moan and stutter his hips. She laughed breathlessly, nuzzling into his hand, 

“I want you to ruin me~” She said, fluttering her eyes, and taking his thumb into her mouth.

He flexed his thumb in her mouth to push on her tongue, moaning at the feel of her soft wet mouth as he hunched over her, imagining himself doing what she asked. Of him dipping his hips lower, just a bit lower, and hilting inside her in one hard thrust. Thrusting inside her at a brutal pace, causing her to scream, to beg, to cry for him. To hold onto him like her life depended on it as he fucked her open, more open than she probably ever been. God, he wanted to ruin her too, wanted to touch and taste and just… destroy her.

He squeezed his cock as he felt his balls tighten, his climax coming soon at the images she’s conjuring up, but he didn’t want to cum, not yet, not until she does.

He dipped his head down next to her, “You’d be such a good girl you’d let me do that, right? Let me tear you open? Use you? Would that make you happy?” He whispered into her ear, a bit frantic but  dripping with arousal.

She nodded her head a little, his thumb in her mouth, whining around the finger, her hips picking up more as her fingers worked herself faster. He joined her in that fact, thrusting harder into his tight, wet hand above her, frantically trying to chase and hold off his own end.

“You look so pretty like this, such a pretty mess, and a mess all for me.” His words where making her stomach flip and twist, too soft, too tender, too loving, she wanted to cry and laugh and kiss him and hear him say more, but she felt herself starting to peak and she could do nothing but cry out around his thumb.

“S-si-gma.” Her broken sob made his heart clench as she tensed up under him.

Seeing her come undone was a trigger for his own and he muffled his cry in the mattress as he bit down beside her head. He tensed and shook as he tried to keep himself up, feeling himself empty a thick load, his hand pumping every last drop out of him as he chased the high longer. When he finally finished, he collapsed beside her, panting.

A few minutes of them doing nothing but panting and contemplating what they just did passed before Uahi broke the silence again with a laugh, a genuine, bubbly laugh, that had him joining quiet easily.

“I can’t believe we just did that.” She said clapping a hand over her eyes, astonished

“Me neither, that was quite an… experience.” He looked at her, smiling, still a little out of breath. “Are you alright?”

She turned and faced him, scooting closer, “Yeah, I am, it was fun.” she said with a yawn.

He wrapped an arm around her and brought her into his side until she could rest her head on his shoulder, “I guess it’s finally time to sleep.”

The two began to drift asleep, warmth seeped into their bones, completely relaxed against each other, and basking in the warmth of each other's presence. As they were on the cusp of sleep a thought occurred to Uahi,

“Sigma, what happened to the smartpad?”

Sass, Cynicism, and YA Romance

For RotG Secret Santa 2019 and the always awesome @piratekingpitchblack !

Rating: G Ships: Gen / Pitch Black & Seraphina Pitchiner Notes:  Waahhhhhh This is so far outside of my usual style of fic that I am certainly nervous to release it into the world, but I was really determined to *try* despite the challenge it presented. I wrote half a book in the notes on AO3 here, but I don’t wanna make this post too long so~ Summary: 

It's been a long time since Seraphina Pitchiner has had anyone she could call a father. She's rather ready to have one again.

But that doesn't matter if he's not ready to be one.

It was darker than the other boxes. A tarnished brass when everything else was a shining, polished yellow. Seraphina pressed her fingers to the cloisonne patterns along the top of the box and felt their delicate edges. Awfully big box for just one tooth, but Sera would never dare to tell Tooth how to do her job. It seemed to be a one size fits all kind of situation.

“Thank you for letting me see,” she said, finally letting go of it. She pressed the box into Tooth’s waiting, gentle hand and made herself step back. Tooth’s understanding, patient smile was too much. It hurt. It all hurt, and Sera needed to get away.

“Of course,” and all of the excitement and pleasure that had been in Tooth’s voice before was tamed, calmed into a soothing, lullaby-like tone. She knew Sera was tense, and she was tip-toeing, and Sera hated it. 

She wasn’t going to break. She wasn’t overwhelmed. And if she was, she could deal with it. She had dealt with everything else so far, she could deal with this.

She just… needed to do that somewhere else.

“I need to-” Sera began, then stopped, “I’m sure you’re-” Why did everything sound so cliche? She wasn’t trying to make an excuse, but that’s how it all came out. She forced a smile. “I’ll see you later.”

Tooth’s smile regained some of its shine, and Sera was glad to see it. “Anytime, Love. The palace is always open to you.”

Sera would like to say something else, exit a little more smoothly, but…

Her thoughts were a jumble, and she didn’t have the energy to think on it any more. She bowed, turned, and was gone.

-

“Why have you come here?”

The voice echoed endlessly against the hard rock walls. It perfectly camouflaged wherever the voice may have come from. Which was fine, because Sera was in tune with the Earth and didn’t need to rely on her ears to figure out where bodies disturbing the ground and the air happened to be. Let him hide, if it made him feel more at ease. She wasn’t here to scare him. This time.

“To talk,” she answered curtly. She didn’t owe him manners or pleasantries.

He certainly hadn’t made it a habit of offering those to her. 

Laughter, mean and hollow, echoed this time. She wasn’t amused, and neither was he. “Then talk,” he said simply, “You’ll forgive me if I don’t quite believe you. It’s been a long time since you’ve been so civil with me.”

She wouldn’t admit it aloud, but to herself, that was fair. He had not exactly given her reason to be civil, though.

“Do you remember when I was last civil to you?”

Even for a cave covered in darkness, it was quiet. The silence was unnatural, eerie by design. Sera could feel it through the rock; nothing was moving down here. Pitch was barely breathing. 

She thought he might be thinking about it. Actually trying to remember. His mind was… not what it used to be, but no one else knew just how gone it was. That was a secret Pitch kept to himself.

Mostly.

“Almost.”

The answer was a whisper on stagnant wind. It didn’t echo. The word reached her and faded into nothingness. And yet it said so much.

Almost meant the memories weren’t gone. Almost meant there was some chance of almost becoming yes. Almost was not a no. 

Without letting any warmth into her voice, Sera asked the void around her, “Would you like me to remind you?”

The smallest bit of an echo was back, “Could you?”

She could. She remembered it very well. She had thought about it a lot while she was out there in space with nothing else to really do. It wasn’t a remarkable story. Right boring, actually. On second thought, that wasn’t the story she wanted to tell. It was meaningless, in the grand scheme, and she had so many better memories to pick from.

Like the one she knew for a fact was hidden in Pitch’s mind somewhere, present enough to have been selected and pressed for safekeeping into the one lone tooth he had lost during the whole of Toothiana’s reign.

Did he remember it more than as a distorted reflection? Did he, just maybe, actually remember it?

There was no better way to find out than to ask. It was harder now to keep the warmth out, but she held her voice firm. “Do you remember that afternoon in the Gliese system?”  

The shadows shifted, for the first time since she arrived. It was normally an ill omen, but right now it felt like hope. 

She pushed.

“Do you remember my books?”

“Perhaps,” said a shadow to her left, but then it wasn’t a shadow. The darkness solidified into a man, and eyes and teeth glowed, hanging suspended in the black all around. 

That was a frustrating answer. Sera was not here to play games. She narrowed her eyes in warning and let some ice slip into her words, “Do you or do you not? It is a yes or no question, Pitch.”

His lip curled at the edge, clearly displeased. However, he didn’t melt back into the shadows, or return to his annoying echo-voice, so he must not be that displeased. In fact, it meant this conversation must be more important to him than he wanted to let on.

“I think I do,” Pitch bit out irritably, “Does that answer satisfy?”

“It does,” she said, with a nod to recognize his cooperation, however reluctant it was. Best not to be as rude as she could be. He was, apparently, trying. 

It was a promising answer, too. If Pitch thought he did, then he must, at the very least, be aware enough to have imagined replacement memories, even if the true ones were lost. You didn’t almost remember something you didn’t know you ought to remember. 

“Now,” she began, allowing herself a small, secret smile, “tell me if this sounds familiar.”

-

It was good to get her away. The military made too many demands of his time, and when he stayed home to spend time with her, even their play seemed to be regulated by strict schedules and interrupted by calls for his attention. 

This far out in the Gliese system, if someone wanted his attention, it would take them a while to get it. And he was pretty good at ignoring their calls and dodging their presence until he felt like being found. 

And Sera loved the game of chase. The best part of taking her out here was the utter lack of plan. They could do anything, talk about anything, do nothing if they wanted, and there was no pressure to ‘get back to what mattered’ or ‘prioritize their time’ some other way. 

They were on an average moon of an average planet. Sera had wanted to explore the terrain just because she could. It wasn’t terribly interesting. There were broken rocks and small cliffs, lots of dust and odd little bugs that Sera liked to watch. 

She was done now, though. They sat on the edge of a crater, letting their legs dangle over the edge. Kozmotis had half a mind to let himself slide off the side and along the rounded slope to the bottom, but only after Sera was done lecturing him about young adult romance novels.

“But she should have just let him go,” she was saying, worked up into a proper rant with her arms waving all around, “He wasn’t respecting her career choices! Who was he to say what was or wasn’t ‘like her’? I would never let a boy get away with treating me like that.”

Kozmotis dearly hoped she wouldn’t. 

“If he didn’t like who I was becoming, fine. He can go find someone else to stay the same, then!” 

Her face was flushed a pretty pink in her excitement. Koz didn’t actually have to say anything, he could just sit here and smile at her and she would continue on as if he had, but part of the fun of being dad was interjecting ridiculous things, so he had to. 

“I don’t think you’re allowed to date statues, though.”

“Daaad!” Sera groaned, “You know what I mean.”

“You sound too experienced,” Koz stated sagely, “Do you have boyfriends I don’t know about?”

“Stop it!” She smacked his arm, and it wasn’t all that gentle. She was strong, and Koz was proud. “You know that I don’t. That’s not what I’m talking about! Stop distracting me!”

“Alright, alright, I won’t say anymore,” he promised. It was a lie. “Please, continue.”

“Thank you,” she said primly. It was very cute. “Anyway, she had more chemistry with her best friend. I hate it when writers force two characters together because they’re supposed to be together. I would have rather nobody ended up with anybody! Romance isn’t romantic if it’s stupid.” 

Well, his daughter was certainly opinionated. “Oh, I know,” he said indulgently, “That’s the absolute worst.”

Sera scoffed and looked at him with a put-upon glare. “Dad, you don’t even read these books.”

“I don’t,” he agreed, “but I hear about them through you all the time.”

“It’s not the same!”

He shrugged, “It’s pretty close.”

“It’s not close at all!”

“You’re right,” he grinned, “Guess that means we should get closer, right?” And with a speed and strength born of military training, Kozmotis scooped up his daughter into his lap and attacked both of her sides with nimble fingers.

She shrieked in protest, absolutely shrieked. She could be so loud when she wanted, and Koz winced, but didn’t stop his attack. Not even when she elbowed him in the chest, nor when she kicked his shin with her heel. He only stopped when she finally told him to, gasping the word out between hurried breaths, “Stop, stopstopstop!”

Koz knew the smile on his face had to look horribly soft, endlessly patient, and likely exasperatingly innocent. Sera would appreciate none of it. He wrapped his arms tight around her waist and held on while she caught her breath. When her heartbeat had slowed from a sprint to a trot, he asked, “Close enough?”

“By the moon, Dad!” she exclaimed, hitting both of his thighs with unamused little fists, “You’re not funny!”

Kozmotis thought he was pretty funny. 

Taking the opportunity where it lie, he shoved off from the edge and kept her safely tucked to his chest as they slid the fifteen or so feet down the edge of the crater and into the dust. 

Sera yelped and clung to his arms, smartly pulling her knees up so her feet didn’t drag on the ground. She looked a little panicked, but her grin was huge, and that was the kind of look Kozmotis lived for. Even when they slowed to a stop, Koz didn’t let her go, continuing to hug her close to his chest like the precious bundle she was.

She twisted around to face him, but didn’t try to get away, “Dad, that was dangerous! I wasn’t ready!”

Kozmotis let go only enough to tuck her hair behind her ear. She was still so small, but he could see the woman she would one day be already. Fierce, and wild, but careful and so kind. He couldn’t wait, but he also knew he would forever miss her just like this. “The best things happen when you aren’t ready.”

She laughed and shook her head, looking at him like he was crazy. She was right. “Also the worst.”

Kozmotis leaned back as if he were offended, “Who taught you to be so cynical?”

“Uh, you?” The absolute sass in that tone.

“Never me!”

“And my books.”

Koz shook his head, “We need to get you new reading material.”

Sera snorted and wiggled away from him to stand, then turned around to offer her hands to help him up, which was so cute Koz thought his heart might burst. “There’s nothing wrong with my books,” she was saying, “Besides, how else am I supposed to learn about dating? You just keep telling me not to!”

Koz stood to his full height, brushed his trousers free of dust, lifted his nose into the air and said, “No one will ever be good enough for my little girl.”

Sera rolled her eyes so hard he worried for their safety, “Yeah, exactly.”

“You have years before you have to worry about that,” he insisted. He placed a hand gently around the back of her head, because he just didn’t want to let her go yet.

“No I don’t,” she said right back, and leaned into his side because she was a wonderful daughter like that, “I’m old enough to have crushes. I could have a boyfriend if I wanted! I just… don’t, yet.”

She was growing up too fast. Koz took it back. He could wait for her to grow up. He could wait forever. “Well, be sure to tell me as soon as you do so I can make sure to be extra scary.”

The unimpressed look she gave him was comical in how convincing it was. “Why would I want that, Dad?”

Koz patted her head softly, “Not everything is about what you want.”

She put a hand on her hip and Koz had to wonder just where all of this attitude had come from. “My dating is pretty much only about what I want.”

Koz tried not to laugh too much but feared that he was failing. She looked like an adult crammed into a tiny tween body and he couldn’t help but to lift her up into his arms. “Of course. Absolutely. How could I be so silly?”

She sighed, but deigned to wrap her thin arms around his neck anyway, “You’re always silly.”

“Am I?” he asked. He turned around and began the trek back to the crater wall. He was tall enough that scaling it wouldn’t be too hard. Even with his daughter attached to his chest. “It’s only because I love you so much. You know that, right?”

Sera looked to be fighting her smile, as if letting him see it would encourage his bad behavior, but she was very bad at hiding her happiness and eventually just let it shine. “I know, Dad. I love you, too.”

She was already so beautiful. 

-

His voice was a quiet whisper, scattered by a breathy wind and almost inaudible, definitely not meant to be heard. But she heard it.

“So it was real…”

She let him consider that for several more seconds of silence, respecting his need to process the knowledge and the feelings that came with it. But she couldn’t let them be silent forever. She was a busy spirit, and she was ready to have her father back, if he was at all capable of being back. 

“It was,” she said, “and I have a million more memories just like it.”

Pitch’s eyes snapped up to hers, sharp and glowing in the darkness. There was a horrible desire there, a longing so acute it could slice. He wanted what she was offering, maybe more than she wanted it. No, not maybe. Definitely. 

He didn’t say anything, so she continued. “I know that your mind has been fractured. I am willing to fill in the gaps. Are you willing to heal?”

Pitch’s gaze turned suspicious, calculating, and… wary. He thought she might have meant to hurt him. She couldn’t fault him for it, it wasn’t like she had been particularly nice to him recently. Still, she needed him to make the decision. Sera could tell him stories all day and night, but it wouldn’t mean a thing if he wasn’t going to take any of it to heart and try to be her father again. 

Because right now, she was more of a functioning adult than he was, and that was rather sad. 

Pitch was fighting an internal battle. She could see that he was picking his words very carefully, that he wanted to say something but, maybe just didn’t know how. Maybe just didn’t know how to trust. 

Finally, he lifted his head, eyes steeled with a strength she was almost certain he didn’t actually have. “I am not sure that I can.”

Seraphina was surprised, shocked, at the honesty. She felt a prickling at the corners of her eyes, and blinked it away. That, more than a simple yes, spoke volumes about the willingness he might be too afraid to show. 

“If you can, we will find the way,” she said with a strength and confidence that could only come from her years of experience finding her path all on her own. The Guardians worked miracles every day, and this could be one of them. “Will you try?” she asked, “For me?”

He hesitated, and she would swear that as he stood there, his gaze turned wet, although a tear never fell. His voice, when he spoke, was so soft. It reminded her of when her father used to tuck her into bed with a kiss and a wish for sweet dreams.

“For you, I would do anything.”

Some spoiler-y thoughts on DDS3

I finally got a full night’s of sleep after being awake for about 24 hours lol, so I think I can start communicating like a regular person again. I feel like I still have a lot to process about DDS3 overall, but I thought it might be nice to share a few thoughts while it’s semi-fresh, and maybe later I’ll try to expand on them as need.

Anyway, spoilers below the cut....:)

Overall, this was a wonderful and satisfying season of Daredevil - it felt like they took the things that were notable about S1 and S2 and improved upon them by leaps and bounds. The result was a S3 that was sharply focused and consistently written, plotted like a single focus story (a la S1) while in actuality serving a broad group of equally important characters and intertwining storylines (like S2) - yet I never felt like they lost their grip on the steering wheel. There would be moments in the plot where I’d think, “Wait, are they going to address that plot point / answer that question, etc?” and in the next scene or at least by the next episode, they did. Whoever was in charge of keeping their scripts consistent and not leaving plot holes, extra gold stars to them b/c they did a fucking fantastic job. Kudos to Erik Oleson for coming in with a very clear and intentional plan and executing the shit out of it. 

Here are some things that were notable for me this season:

Matt Murdock. Look, I was pretty worried coming into this that we were getting Dark!Matt and not much else - I love my emo son as much as the next person, but it was hard for me to imagine how we’d get to a positive ending if all we were getting was dark and more dark. And while yes, we did get a lot of dark and emo and raging at God Matt, there were clear and purposeful moments of growth he made throughout the entire series to get from the Matt that washed out of Midland Circle, barely alive, broken and bereft over losing Elektra to the Matt at the end, accepting who he is as DD AND Matt Murdock and ready for whatever the future holds for him and his friends. 

Quick aside for my Mattelektra peeps: I wish he could have actually talked about the events of Midland Circle and better processed the trauma of that and losing Elektra - for the most part, it all gets grouped under ‘general rage at God and life’ during the early episodes and none of the people around him at the time, namely Sister Maggie and Father Lanthom, actually understand what happened with Elektra. BUT we do get shown a bunch of Mattelektra scenes from DD and TD and I realize that the show really didn’t need to do that, so I’m trying to be grateful that we were shown that little glimpse into Matt’s mind right before he comes to. Because it was necessary reminder that part of why he’s broken is not just that he lost some of his senses and abilities, but because he lost Elektra - again.

Thanks for indulging my moment there everyone lol. Anyway, Matt Murdock was A++++ in all scenes and states of clothedness. In conclusion: I still love him. 

Avocado Trio feels. As someone who has always enjoyed this trio, but maybe not as much the individual characters on their own, I am really pleased that they actually got the band back together again, and not only that, I came out of this season with positive vibes for both Karen and Foggy but ESPECIALLY Foggy. Goddamn, Foggy was the fucking MVP. First, he looked damn good this year. The haircut and the suits are working for him. But also, this particular team of writers actually wrote Foggy in a way that feels more true to what I had always wanted from Foggy - someone who was smart, resourceful, caring, and most of all, THERE FOR MATT. I felt like his decade long friendship with Matt finally paid off in his characterization and he wasn’t being pushed off to the side to further someone else’s narrative. My favorite moment was when Karen was ready to throw in the towel, but Foggy talks about how everyone has abandoned Matt and he’s not going to do it too. It warmed the cockles of my cold, cold heart. 

I’m also pretty satisfied with how they finally revealed Karen’s backstory and damn if they didn’t make me feel sad and impressed with her at various points - her phone call with her dad / her dad telling her to leave after Kevin’s death and the 1v1 face off with Kingpin being two such examples. She might not ever be a favorite of mine but she was represented well this season for sure. I’m also grateful that they actually allowed her and Matt to air their shit out in a semi-realistic way. They acknowledged there was a lot of shit and baggage and didn’t just try to rush them to some kind of romantic conclusion. In fact, this season was refreshing in that romance was never a primary plot for any of the characters! There was enough going on with the story that the sort of angsting that kind of plot usually brings would have just been distracting. Any relationships were contained to people who were already in them, like Foggy and Marci, or Kingpin and Vanessa. The focus for these characters was really on rebuilding trust and the overall friendship / family bonds between all three. That was one of my hopes for the season and it delivered :). 

Okay, I’m getting to the point in this post where I’m getting tired with my own babbling LOL, so I’m gonna try to bullet point some more notable moments:

Kingpin - Smart and menacing and I loved the take on him as being this ultimate spymaster. It was really well done and I think once you saw the full breadth of the conspiracy - it was really good. And I guess in this same point I’ll shout out Vanessa - I was SO glad to see her again and dang, she just has a presence on screen that is hard to match. I am looking forward to seeing her as badass Vanessa Fisk - maybe she hires a freelancer named Elektra Natchios as her own personal assassin since Bullseye is gonna have it out for both Fisks?? Would that not be an AMAZING duo?

Dex aka Bullseye. I loved how they established his origin and his psychopathy - it made a lot of sense to me how this inherently broken, mentally ill person could have flown under the radar for as long as he did, and that someone like Fisk would be able to manipulate him to his own ends. Wilson Bethel is easy on the eyes for sure, but I thought he did an amazing job playing a guy who always seemed on the edge of cracking. He played all the shades of Bullseye very well. I’m looking forward to seeing him again as the primary big bad and GIVE ME BULLSEYE v ELEKTRA YOU COWARDS. Speaking of which, that reminds me, I want to point out the Bullseye was literally a diagnosed psychopath who was incapable of showing empathy whereas they kept trying to tell us Elektra was a sociopath but she clearly is not - she definitely had some sociopathic tendencies, which likely developed from her very messed up upbringing and exposure to violence, and when they bring her back, she will probably keep on some of those characteristics b/c of the sort of fighter than she is, but let’s just put it to rest already. And yeah, I want those two to give me a 1v1 fight for the AGES. DD who? 

Sister Maggie. LOOK. I don’t feel like I should have been surprised with any of the stuff that happened with Maggie but everything about it was a HIGHLIGHT. I loved the way Joanne Whalley conveyed the character - every time I saw her and Matt interact, I knew it was gonna be good. When they finally reveal her as Matt’s mom (whew!), I was genuinely moved. When she realizes that Matt has found out her secret and is gone, the way she runs to his bed and completely breaks down at losing her son again? I WAS A BLUBBERING MESS. The forgiveness and acceptance in their reconciliation was something my soul desperately needed and I’m so glad we received. We better see more scenes of the Murdocks together in the future!

Ray Nadeem. Um, who would have thought I'd be so sad to lose Ray by the end of the season! The overall FBI conspiracy felt surprisingly fleshed out and was something I got pretty damn invested in (SO MUCH better than the conspiracy in TPS1). All the shifts and turns and betrayals of this particular storyline could have been very cheesy, but they ended up being working because they were almost character moments first? Because we know Ray and his relationship with Hattley, with Dex, even overall with the FBI, and then of course knowing his home life and his family...every time shit hit the fan, or a personal betrayal occurred, it really hurt. And that we got that super fun escape sequence with Ray and Matt in their civvies and then Ray’s final act of heroism with his dying declaration...RIP Ray. You will be missed. 

God, I haven’t even touched on the non character stuff, like the fights and shit, but I gotta wrap it up now before I bore myself to death :). I’m curious what everyone else thought of the season - feel free to hit me up if you wanna chatter about it!!

𝐅𝐢𝐜 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄𝐆𝐈𝐍: hello and welcome to all of my arcane/league of legends fics! all the shit ive written and the stuff thats in the works, in one convenient place. speaking of in the works, please feel very free to ask about any of the stuff in the wips category! im not exactly gonna be updating it every time i think of a new one but ill probably make sure its up to date every now and then, and regardless itll always have plenty in it because i am a chronic wip starter. you can ask about any of the stuff thats already done, too! 

𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒔: - fics ive posted on archive - tumblr drabbles, short fics not worth posting on archive - ask reqs ive filled - bullet point au/concept outlines - wips (by far the longest)

- 🌊  𝑹𝒆𝒒 𝑰𝒏𝒇𝒐 -- ☄️ 𝑻𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 -- 💙 𝑨𝒓𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒗𝒆 -- 💎 𝑭𝒊𝒄 𝑴𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 -- 💧 𝑷𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒕 -

𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐅𝐈𝐂𝐒: all the (again, arcane/league) fics i have posted to my archive!  - 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: breathing easy, breathing smoke [bebs] 𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩: 18.2k words, 7 chapters 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘴: incomplete, struggling to write chapter 8 𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘤: jayvik, sfw 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤: The first time Jayce sees Viktor actually in the undercity is the first time he sees Viktor comfortable. It's an enthralling sight, even amidst the confusion of a fast-paced errand run in Zaun. - 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: do the damn dishes, love 𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩: 1.1k words, 1 chapter 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘴: complete 𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘤: jayvik, nsfw 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤:  A lazy morning in the household of two great scientists, so in love and obsessed with each other that they can barely keep their hands of one another, even to get normal chores done. Though, that could also just be because Jayce doesn't want to do them, even if he does have quite delicious vices to indulge in. - 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: four geniuses walk into a bar... [4 geniuses] 𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩: 5.2k words, 1 chapter 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘴: incomplete, low-priority 𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘤: gen/touch of jayvik, machine-herald centric, sfw (violent) 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤:  Singed kidnaps the most prominent minds in Piltover and Zaun, for an unknown but likely malicious experiment. Jayce, Ekko, and Jinx are treated to a front row seat of just how much of a monster Viktor has turned himself into. - 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: bitter water 𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩: 1.6k words, 1 chapter 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘴: complete 𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘤: meljayvik, sfw 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤:  Viktor plays the music, Jayce sings the lyrics he wrote, and Mel paints Jayce where he lay, providing Viktor a lap to rest on all the while. They get distracted with each other, as they tend to do.

𝐓𝐔𝐌𝐁𝐋𝐑 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐁𝐁𝐋𝐄𝐒: mostly when i refer to ‘drabbles’ i mean things under 1k words, but in this case it varies and is just stuff i didnt consider worth posting on archive (for reasons listed here) and was not produced in an ask req - 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: untitled 𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩: 1.2k words 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯: too sad and venty 𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘤: jayce-centric, angst, sfw 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤: Jayce is falling out of love and dissociating about it, which I use second person to convey. Can you tell I planted my writing roots in Homestuck. - 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: untitled 𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩: 420 words, drabble 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯: too sad and venty again 𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘤: jayvik angst, jayce-centric, sfw 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤: Jayce is finding it hard to continue reaching out to Viktor when Viktor refuses to reach back and let him help.

𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐀𝐒𝐊 𝐑𝐄𝐐𝐒: none currently but im certainly excited to start! - 

𝐁𝐔𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐏𝐎𝐈𝐍𝐓 𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒: i love doing this kind of thing and i really wanna start doing it more! these’ll be outlines for bigger aus or concepts/plots i know i wont have the energy to write fully, and all of the ideas i currently have for them. if you see a concept in these you really like and think you’d like to collab on, feel free to hit me up about it! you can also ask me to elaborate on any of them if wanted none yet! - 

𝐖𝐈𝐏𝐒: all my wips.. ough. there are many, and again you can ask after any of them! whether it be for more details or for a snippet, idm! its a big help in sparking some motivation lol. also, you may be thinking “why would you list all of your wips like this even if you Do want people to ask about them, thats a Lot”, and the answer is that it helps me! keeps them organized in my head and reminds me what they’re about without having to go read them again, plus im less likely to forget any of them exist now, lol 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔: 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: the title of the google document the wip is on, not a set in stone title at all 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: how likely i actually am to begin working on it and finish it 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: the basic concept behind the wip - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦:  we take the backstories and we shuffle them 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: feel pretty good about this one, it’s likely ill finish it  𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: simple zaun!jayce x piltover!viktor au, which is always one of my favorites. not super elaborate, just their meeting right now, though ive got a few ideas about the expanded implications of the swap -  𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: youve devastated me, baby, im drenched 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: i feel alright abt this one! i may or may not finish it depending on my emotional health at any given time  𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: angsty, divorce era jayvik. will be nsfw, will be very emotional.  - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: promiscuous girl 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: i want very badly to finish this one but the spark of inspiration has waned heavily for it. might post it as the 69 follower reward? idk 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: nsfw, viktor is a bit (maybe more than a bit) promiscuous, and jayce finds out in a 5+1 format that goes “5 times jayce found out how lively viktor’s night life is, and one time he stops watching and starts acting” - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: that wet on your skin, it shimmers 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: meh! might finish it, might not.  𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: you know how old shimmer was something you rubbed on your skin that made it shine different colors (i think it was mood based?)? well, divorce era jayvik get a big ass vat of it poured on them and also its an aphrodisiac. VERY nsfw lol - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: update your fucking fic 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: sigh. im going to finish it. eventually. but im not feeling good abt it rn 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: bebs ch.8 :/  - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: kill it. 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: pretty okay? i forget this one exists a lot lol 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: simply lil domestic jayvik - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: tomorrow must come 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: ehh. might just be a tumblr exclusive drabble thing 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: introspective jayce that is, as typical for me, pretty venty and existential - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: obsession 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: ill probably come back to it eventually, i really like this one! 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: a fic dedicated to a version of jayce and viktor that are crazy obsessed with each other, outlining that obsession - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: Vindication (only one with a capital letter... weird) 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: not great it sparks absolutely 0 inspiration in me currently 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: kind of the same version of viktor i have in four geniuses, that exists after he gets the fire in his veins and goes to become the machine herald, but before he calms down a bit and starts thinking (as much as he can) rationally and morally again like in league. just a sort of viginette of him feeling vindicated in his hatred - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: bonding time 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: good!! ill get to it again (maybe soon!!) :] 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: this the doc four geniuses is on! ive got a concept for the rest of it, some stuff i wanna touch on, but no outline or writing begun yet. its p low priority for me so who knows when itll get updated - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: becoming piltovers finest 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: good! i enjoy this one a lot 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: caitlyn finds out she’s been appointed as sheriff and goes to excitedly tell vi! dunno if ill write them celebrating or anything, its p much just a page or two of concept - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: the sun and the moon run circles around one another 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: uhhh eh! i like it, i want to finish it, but the spark of inspriation is very small, so we will see 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: some melvik, watching them slowly appraise and warm up to one another as they go from clashing to working together. plus lots of “oh my god youre not just smart youre clever. and mean. this fascinates me, i must know more” which i love - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: monkey bomb begone 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: OUGH. this is a GIANT fic concept, and i dont know if ill ever be able to pull it off alone. currently in bullet point outline format on google, and a valuable enough idea to me that i wont share it here or with any strangers, so the prospects arent ggreeeeaaat. but i do want to write and expand it, but itll likely have to be a collaborative effort  𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: ekko goes back in time and makes some minor changes to kick off the plot, and that version of ekko isnt in the fic any further (unless i decide to old-man-mentor-ify him late on in the fic as a surprise). the changes are basically that he destroys the monkey bomb before it can go off and he makes sure hextech is banned by the council. ive outlined all the consequences of this and how each characters personal storylines are affected, plus some more, and when i say it is BIG lol -  𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: where the fuck is this going 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: pretty good actually! this ones intruiguing to me. gets the ol brain gears goin 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: ‘alternate meeting au’ is the only way i can think to describe it! jayce’s hextech project (maybe the bombs never got set off or something, i dont know) has been reviewed by a bunch of piltover officials and no one thinks it can be done or will support it, so jayce turns to some zaunite college of techmaturgy folks, and though they also dont think it will work, they do think having a piltovan scientist (backed by house kirammen no less) indebted to them would be useful. so, instead of turning him away, they pawn him off on a professor they’d be perfectly able to cut ties with if it goes disastrously wrong, aka viktor, who does not work under heimerdinger in this au. i love the concept for this personally, but i just have absolutely no idea where i want to take it! - 𝘥𝘰𝘤 𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘦: an outside perspective of jayvik 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴: eh. first fic i ever drummed up for arcane, and not one i like much anymore 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵: like it says on the tin! just some rando npcs observing jayce and viktor’s relationship 

𝐓𝐎 𝐄𝐍𝐃: alright, there it is! the full list of all the writing ive currently started or completed, with hope it will grow soon! i hope its easy enough to navigate, but please let me know if there are any difficulties!

Breaking a fever

Summary: Katara has trouble sleeping because of a fever, luckily Aang's right there to take care of her.

Word count: 1,771

Author's note: I was indulging myself in some videos yesterday when I came up with this idea. (Possible prologue to "Recovery"?) It's also based on my memories/experience of when I was little and had a fever that made my parents wake me up in the middle of the night to check that I was okay. I've always loved toying with the idea that even though Katara's the healer of the household, it could also be their daughter Kya (since she's an actual waterbender with healing abilities) or Aang (because he'd get to take care of Katara when she's sick and that's like one of my favourite things when their roles are switched). Also, I just wanted to write Aang being able to listen to Katara's heart by laying his head on her chest cause it's much more common the other way around (at least there are more stock photos/fanfics). I think it's much more intimate when a husband does that to his wife. I wrote the draft down in the early morning of December 31st, but thought that I'd proofread and finish it properly on the 1st of January. To start 2018 the right way (with some Kataang)! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! (There was a beautiful fireworks display all around my home 7 hours ago when Estonia greeted the new year! I listened to our President's speech, such a lovely introduction to our country's 100th anniversary year.)

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Aang sat bolt upright. He'd been sleeping peacefully, but woke up when something hit him right in the middle of his face. He gazed around the dark bedroom to spot any intruders, but he didn't have to look far for the source. A hand hit his side and he turned to look at Katara.

She'd fallen ill in the evening - a fever that didn't seem to stop fluctuating and an overall feeling of weakness being the main symptoms. Probably just a cold caught from one of her patients at the hospital, she figured. They expected that the fever was gonna rise at night and she might have trouble sleeping. But Aang didn't know it'd be this bad.

Her breathing was heavy and laboured, like she was suffocating in their warm stuffy room, her mouth wide open gasping for air. Her hands and legs were kicking all over the place on her side of the bed. Aang could see drops of sweat on her face and on the bare skin around her collarbone above the line of her white sarashi, which wasn't covered by her tunic. If he hadn't known she was sick, she would've seemed like she was having an awful nightmare.

Aang frowned. He didn't wish to wake her up since she needed to rest. But she seemed so poorly, tossing and turning under the sheets. He gently grabbed her left wrist to hold that hand steady. She continued to fluff the pillow under her head with her right hand, still moaning and grumbling in discomfort.

Aang pushed the edges of her tunic to her sides, then carefully tugged at the sarashi to pull it a bit more off her breasts. When her chest was more bare, he slowly lay down very close to her, laying his right ear above it.

LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB... Katara's heart was pounding, almost as if it wanted to escape her ribcage. Aang could hear the fast beats drumming into his ear, but the way the air passed through her lungs.. not so much. Only that her breathing didn't sound normal. Maybe he should go to the healing hut to fetch her stethoscope and have a listen? Perhaps even grab a thermometer while he's at it to measure her temperature?

His train of thought was cut off when her free hand first found the top of his head, then his cheek and began stroking it. Her fidgeting seemed to have ceased as well.

"Ah-aang?.. What are you doing?" the waterbender wondered drowsily. The first thing she saw was a familiar blue line running along his bald head, the side of his face pressed to her chest and slightly weighing her down.

"Oh, Katara! You're awake.." he murmured as he propped himself up on an elbow to look at her, combing her hair near her temples to wipe off a few beads of sweat.

"I was checking your heartbeat and breathing because you were breathing so heavily. And you were tossing and turning all around. Even moaning a little bit."

"I was?"

"You still are.. breathing fast, I mean."

The airbender laid a hand above her heart, making her look at her chest rising and falling in a quicker pace than usual.

"I am?.. I don't feel like I am."

"Want me to go wake up Kya?"

"No! Let's not worry her.." Katara protested, then stared at the clock on their nightstand.

"What time is it?"

Aang leaned towards the edge of the bed to have a look.

"Almost a quarter past three in the morning."

The waterbender laid a hand over her forehead, releasing a tired groan and closing her diamond blue eyes. Aang ran circles over the blanket to rub her tummy.

"Want me to examine you?" he asked after a moment of silence. She hummed and nodded. She'd taught him a thing or two about modern medicine, and he'd picked up a lot from playing healer with their daughter.

"What do you need me to bring?"

"A thermometer, my stethoscope, my pouch.. Fill my pouch with cold water.. and maybe bring a towel if I'm too tired to heal myself."

"Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes," he said, giving her hand a squeeze before he stood up to go fetch the necessary items. Aang lighted the way in the corridor with a small flame that burned above the palm of his hand thanks to his firebending.

Katara watched how the dim light disappeared with him before she laid her own palm on her hot, clammy forehead. She was really burning up. She grabbed her wrist to count her pulse. One-two, three-four, five-six, seven-eight.. She released her hold quickly, having a slight fright at the rapid rate. She shut her eyes and tried to calm down.

Her eyes opened at the sound of the wooden floorboards creaking louder with every step about two minutes later. Aang was back, carrying everything she'd asked for. He took a seat on his side of the bed and turned on the nightlight.

"Ugh!.." Katara groaned, covering her face with her forearm to let her eyes adjust to the bright light. Aang dropped the supplies in front of his pillow.

"Lift your arm for me, sweetie."

He waited until she raised her right arm, placing the thermometer under there. She laid the hand on her stomach to hold it tight. After that, Aang leaned closer to look into her diamond blue eyes. He grazed her cheekbone with his thumb, softly pulling her lower eyelid down a bit, repeating the same procedure with her other eye.

Katara blinked as she saw him pick up the stethoscope and put it in his ears. She followed his movements intently, watching how he softly pressed the cold diaphragm a bit below her collarbone, then slid it to her left side a couple of seconds later. Aang moved the tip of the medical instrument down to the middle of her chest, stopping a bit to the left above her breast - the spot where the heart sounds were the loudest.

Katara averted her gaze from her chest to his worried grey eyes instead. He noticed her looking back at him. Aang stroked the back of her right hand, the one she'd laid on her tummy. He grabbed it from the wrist and softly pressed his fingers against it to compare her pulse to the beats echoing into his ears. They matched, but were similarly fast as well.

Aang let go of her wrist and lifted the lower edge of her sarashi so he could slide the chestpiece of her stethoscope under there. Having listened for another couple of seconds, he lifted the cloth from below her left breast this time and pressed the diaphragm against the soft skin. Aang's grey eyes widened a bit when Katara laid her hand above his and pushed it even stronger against her breast. He could hear why - her heartbeat was more audible from that spot when she did that.

Katara allowed her eyes to fall shut once Aang finished auscultating with the diaphragm and began turning the chestpiece around to use the bell, too. She felt how he moved the hollow side of her stethoscope over the same spots on her chest, stopping for several seconds to get a good listen. She opened her eyes when she sensed him lift the bell from her skin and heard the metal parts of the headset clinking together as he removed the medical instrument from his ears. She frowned when his gaze met hers. He understood what she wanted to ask.

"Don't worry, it's okay.. just a bit faster than normal," Aang answered without her having to say a word. Katara released a content hum when he cupped her cheek, his thumb softly rubbing over it. The airbender gently pulled the thermometer out from under her arm and stared at the mercury inside the glass. No wonder she was tossing and turning in her sleep.

"How high?.." she spoke barely above a whisper, her eyes falling shut from her weariness.

"38.4 degrees. You wanna lower it yourself or do you want me to do it?"

"Mmm.. you do it," she mumbled. Aang grabbed the towel he'd brought along and poured some of the cold water from her pouch on it to make it damp. After that, he wrapped it into a smaller square and pressed the wet side against her forehead. Katara stirred, a slight frown appearing on her features for a second, then let the cooling sensation do its work.

The sound of the thermometer rolling and the metal parts of her stethoscope landing against the wood of the nightstand rang in her ears. She opened an eye to peek at Aang, who was busy hanging her pouch on the corner of their bed, in case they needed more water. She pretended to sleep when he turned around to make her more comfortable. Katara felt his fingertips tug at her sarashi to cover up her breasts, then tuck the rest of her bare chest into the soft blue fabric of her tunic. He pulled the blanket up to her neck. She smiled and wriggled under the sheets a little.

Aang lifted the towel from her forehead. The once wet spot was practically dry within minutes. He waterbended some more water from her pouch to dampen it again, placing it back on Katara's temple. After that, the airbender could lie down, too. He wanted to be sure that she'd fall asleep first, hence he propped himself up on his elbow to keep an eye on her until she did.

"You're not going to work like this tomorrow, are you?"

"Mkmm.." Katara hummed, slowly shaking her head.

Aang stroked her cheek with the back of his left hand, allowing his index finger to trace a path down her nose, over her lips. His palm practically cupped her chin, his fingers grazing down her neck, over her mother's necklace and across her collarbone, stopping when her tunic got in the way.

"Sweetie?" she murmured.

"Hmm?"

"Can you turn off the light?"

"Oh, sure!" Aang said in a chipper tone, swiftly turning around for a moment to switch off the small lamp. When his gaze fixed on her once more, she was nuzzling the side of her face into her pillow, another hum of delight escaping her vocal cords. Aang positioned the wet part of the towel back on her forehead properly. He paused for a second before deciding to press his right ear on her chest one more time. Lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub... At least her heart had stopped racing.

11 Question

Tagged by @timelord-at-hogwarts

 If I tag you this is totally optional.

1. Have you ever thought of something really violent but held yourself back? Give an example.

So I’m relating this to Ward because the scene where he stabs Harold, I actually relate to it (see: Iron Fist, Marvel Netflix).  No I have not killed or even stabbed someone.  But I have gotten so angry at a friend that I’m positive if they were in that room with me, I would have done some serious damage.  The only thing that kept me from doing it was the thought that I didn’t want to deal with police or going to jail.  Like how awful is that!?  Another friend told me that it was probably because I felt like I wasn’t being heard.  So physical violence felt like it was the only thing that would get through.  And that’s why Ward stabbing his Dad is a relatable moment to me.

2. If you could go back to past and change anything you want would you do it and what would you change?

Yo I watch too much time travel stuff to know not to mess with that shit XD

3. What is your general opinion of people?

I’ve become an optimistic realist.  I take the Doctor Who philosophy of “pile of good things/ pile of bad things”.  Caring for a chronically ill person also shows you the ugly side of people including youself.  Good and bad is all in the bag, its all mixed.  I believe who should strive to leave the world better than how it was when he entered.  I don’t lose my faith in humanity because good things continue to happen.  The bad things don’t cancel that out.  Another Doctor Who quote “Why let them be happy now when they are going to be sad later?  Because they are going to be sad later”.  

4. How do you cope with stress?

Worrying is like trying to solve a math problem by chewing gum.  My usual coping mechanism is to indulge in my pleasures.  I’ll write, draw, and tell myself this is temporary and we all die.  Sounds pessimistic but it helps me frame my problems a little better.  That don’t mean I don’t get stressed still.  OH GOD I NEED TO GET HEALTH INSURANCE!

5. Do you prefer day or night? Why?

Night.  Always been a night owl.  I like stars.  I like that there’s less people.  

6. If you had the chance to do anything you want (good or bad doesn’t matter) what would you do?

I think get more involved in my YouTube channel.  I really want to make videos about asexuality.  I’m not scared, i just don’t have time.

7. Share some of your dark thoughts

I wrote a post on this but sometimes I don’t want to be at home for a while.  I want to runaway and have someone else take care of my mom.  I love her and I would come back and take care of her, but I get tired of it all the time.  I get tired of her thinking I’m her only source of happiness.  That puts a lot of pressure on me to be emotionally available all the time.  And I literally unsubscribed from Ana Akana’s youtube channel because she made a video basically announcing to be emotionally available all the time to be a good friend.  I can’t do it. My mom refuses to find any hobby that will give her some time to not be dependent on me.  She doesn’t read, craft, she won’t even use her phone for audio books.  And then begrudges that all she can do is watch tv.  So yeah, being someone’s sole source of happiness is draining.

8. Why art should be made?

When you take art history classes you learn that humans just naturally desire to express themselves like that.  The idea that only clinical hunter/gatherer notions existed are fairly false.  Humans were drawing on cave walls and making things with no purpose other than to make shit.  As a creator I can say that it’s just something that makes you feel good.  And yes you can get paid for it too.  Writing has become one of my new loves and its brought me so many good friends!  Guys just make stuff, even if its the cruddiest glitter covered birthday card, hey You made something!! And thats’ amazing!

9. Share some of the lyrics of a song you really like

There are moments when you’re in so deep

It feels easier to just swim down

10. Teleporting or moving things with your mind?

Moving things with my mind.  That’s the dream baby!

11. What or who decides for things to be the way they are in a society?

It’s a combination of many things but its mostly people.  We decide how things are in society, whether its the larger culture or just your personal group.  We literally get to decide what we allow in our lives (with some discrepancies) and thats pretty empowering.

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Other Questions

1. What is the most important thing in your life?

2. Explain me your evolution as a person with songs.

3. There are lots of religion but no one actually believes in the same religion. Explain your religion to me. Who or what made all of these? What is going to be in afterlife? Why these things are happening??

4. What is good and what is bad in your perspectuve?

5. What are you most excited about your life now?

6. What is your dream? What are you seeing yourself in the future? Imagine where are you going to be when you are in your 70s!!

7. What do you wanna break free from?

8. Do you really think that life perspective changes the person? How?

9. What was the last time you were happy? Tell me best memory of your life too!

10. Do you wanna be friends? Because I would love to be your friend! If the answer is yes, DM me! Lol.

11. Lets be realistic. If you meet yourself as a stranger, would you like yourself. Why or why not?

I’m just gonna answer this one because its really the only one I have an answer for.  Yes, I would love to be my friend.  I’ve always wondered how I looked to others.  Taping myself for videos is a good reference I guess.  But I enjoy being by myself, and I like who I am, even more now than I ever have.

Here are my tags!

@littlemisshalcyon @theodette @ironwingedhawk @wolveria @dreamersnirvana @emanationman @ladysnowarlekina