#I struggle with my weight a lot its the reason I make my S/I skinny... but maybe.. just maybe one day I will make them my body type... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

2021ana · 3 years

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Doing this but not in 30 days lol, cause i’ll probably forget about so i’ll Answer the maximum rn

1- i have 59 kg, is like 130 pounds, my waist have 70 cm(27 inches) and when i started, was 76,5 cm, my hips are 86cm (33 inches), and when i started they’re 90 cm (35 inches)- they’re wide, but i like them like that- My right thigh’s 58 cm(23 inches) and when i started was 61 cm( 24 inches), my left thigh’s 56 cm (22 inches), but when i started they’re 58 cm(23 inches) yes i think i don’t forget anything lol

2- i’m sum like 5’3 or 5’4, i wanna be taller lol😫😫😫 like 5’5 or 5’6

3-i have a lottt, but i choose that one cause i love the lines in her stomach and her waist

4- OFC loose my boobs. Seems strange, i know, but i love them😭😭😭😭 they’re pretty, i like them, the guys love them, and i don’t wanna lose then, you know??? The same abt my hips. They’re kinda of wide but i like them lol. But ofc my boobs especially

5- at this point idk. Since i was 9 my DREAM is be skinny, but i think especially because the things i heard for being a fat child. But this doesn’t matter. I’ll be skinny and i’ll be pretty.

6- not actually. I did this just one time when i was like 11. I was struggling hard w my family issues and this day i heard that i was a fat child and should take off my tonsils (surgery) so that i would not eat and lose weight. I decided that if everyone thought I was a fat cow, I would be a fat cow. But soon after eating everything I saw ahead I felt guilty and i vomited for the first time, I never had compulsion but the habit of vomiting accompanies me lol

7- ofc. Like i said, since i was 9 my dream’s ve skinny, my mom helped me lose weight when i was younger but in a healthy way. she rlly don’t know that i go so hard to be skinny, one day she ask me if i was throwing up and made me PROMISSE that if i wanna lose weight i’ll do that in a healty way, like she teach me. And i promisse, even that i was lying. She’s my mom and the best person in the world but i don’t wanna give her this problem, is mine, and i can deal w this.

8- i’m a active person i guess. I do muay thay(fight) everyday, and it spend a lot of calories lol. Also, i’m a swimmer, like rlly, i swim since i was 3 years old, and sometimes i run w my mom cause she run

9- HAHA YES!! I was an fat child. My entire childhood’s def by that.

10- idk sometimes i feel guilty abt you know?? My mom loves me, and she would be soo mad if she know that i do these things:( also, sometimes i lose my control and eat somethings that are really calorics, but i’m working in this

11- idk lol, i don’t think i know some thinspo blogs, act, pls say me sum so i can saw more thinspos lol

12- chicken, salad, and Beetroot, omfg, I love beets, i eat this every fucking day

13- unhealthy lol

14- For now 121 lbs, but when I get to it, I'll lower it more, and i wanna get there to my birthday (August)

15- i’m not, but i used to be, now i eat just chicken, but when i was younger i was a vegetarian for more than a year, and honestly it didn't help me lose weight, but those were not my aspirations at the time, maybe if my focus were that I would have achieved

16- since i was a child be skinny’s my dream lol

17- idk and i don’t rlly wanna talk about that

18- lol probably sum from mac donalds. I’m Addicted to that shit. But’s SO caloric:(( i think that’s the reason why i think so much abt this, like, is so fcking caloric and i know i shouldn’t eat this, and then i think so hard abt

19- sum weeks ago, i didn’t eat anything in the day so at the night i could eat sum shit and stay under my calories for the day

20- the princess diet lol, they’re so flexible and i don’t need to eat the same thing everyday, i like

21- girl depends a lot the store i bought them, in shein for example a have a “xs” top that fits perfectly but from “zara” needs to be a “s” or even a “m” cause they don’t fit like they should in my boobs. this drive me a little crazy and i always cry when i’ll buy sum clothes lol

22- in this times my lowest weight was 52kg, that’s like 113 pounds, but i used to be smaller than now(i was like 5’0) so it wasn’t a good weight

23- haha yes, but not ONLY the media. Before having social medias i already want lose weight

24- idk:( i don’t wanna be a “pro ana” or “pro mia” cause i don’t wanna make little childs or teenagers hating their bodyes like i did. That shit can fuck a child head and i don’t wanna be part of this you know??? But also i think that if you’re already in this(like me) the society can’t force you get a rehabilitation. Needs to be sum that YOU want, and its nice have sum persons to talk abt that without been judged, idk

25- oh yes, and the first experience i was a child and it was kinda of nasty, but i strangely like that. I feel like i was light and my stomach was clean, i like the feeling even that was a little gross

26- be skinny ofc, look at the mirror and feel rlly pretty, doesn’t have all fat that makes me crazy and just be loved you know?? By me and by others

27- not very good haha, at the school, when was the breakfast time, i need to go to the bathroom cause i get so crazy w the food, smell so good and everyone’s eating idk it’s a strange feeling

28- i don’t wanna my fat thighs anymore. But i also don’t wanna lose my hips.

29- something that i need to be. Thin waist, kinda of big hips, medium boobs, a thin face, a nice butty, and a tanned body, like a “latino body”

30-

1- my name’s ana

2- i love exercising but i hate run lol

3- i’m latina and i want a latino body

4- my favorite classes are history and science, also, i hate math

5- i speak 3 languages, 2 flowing and one not really bad haha

6- i like that people say that i’m pretty, but just when they say truth, you know??

7- my favorite skin caracter is james cook and i identify more with him than with cassie, I even think she's kind of covered up, people tend think that cass is my favorite just because she have an ed lol. And okay i like her, but not actually you know?

8- ugh idk my sign is leo and i rlly believe in that lol, i know my astral map entirely and my sun is leo, my moon is sag and my asc is aqua

9- i have daddy issues, like REALLY issues, i don’t like talk a lot abt this but anyway

10- my mom’s the person more perfect i know in my entire life. And i hate making her mad

My states didn’t change cause i did this in one day LOL, but in 30 days i’ll be back!!!

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zombiejoepino · 4 years

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The Scavenger. CH: 2 (Cobb Vanth x OC fanfic)

CH 2: The Bounty

Fandom: The Mandalorian

Pairing: Cobb Vanth x OC!Female (in her late 20´s if you wondered)

Word count: 2923

Summary: A dangerous man is trying to keep a bounty in secret. He is waiting news from his missing hunters. Back in Mos Pelgo, The Marshal guards at night.

Warnings: angst

A/N: English is not my first language so i apologize in advance if i butchered your language. If you want to read the first part is right here. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoy it

FULL STORY HERE :

UPDATE. CHAPTER 3 IS UP!

CHAP 2: THE BOUNTY

Another night in the crowded bar.

A light smoke covered the atmosphere, live music was banging in the walls as the blue-skinned singer charmed the audience with her smooth voice.

Hunters, travelers, or anyone looking for passage was that night. Some of them just enjoyed a drink while talking business, others just gambled from time to time the sound of a blaster roared and another body dropped dead. Didn’t pull fast enough, others thought.

Just a regular night at Mos Espa.

The smoky drink traveled its way around the joint, crossing around colorful and loud characters. All of them must have a good story about the Old Republic or the Empire. They would exchange facts and anecdotes but there was always someone taking credit for things that didn’t happen. That would end up in a whole fight.

The drink finally made its way to the lone booth, stopping right in front of this man. Dark hair, a dark eye, and a pale one that followed the X shape scar across his left side. A strong clean shaved jaw and a heavy frown. Captain Qod was his name.

There were rumors about him, no one could tell for sure if he was a rebel pilot that went rogue or an imperial pilot turned into a bounty hunter. All that everyone knew was that he was good at stealing and hunting.

He and his gang, the Shadows, got quite a reputation for pulling out heists on New Republic cargo. They were smart enough to stay low for a time before going all over again. The last job was easy on terms, things went sideways in a matter of seconds. He lost two crew members, one betrayed them, the rest flee to the closest location.

His fingers drummed patiently, then stopped to take the smoky drink. He took a small sip and made a face.

Between the crowd, a skinny pale man flashed his yellowish smile at him and waved nervously. Wan Plog was a slippery one that always shifted between alliances. Our lone man didn’t make any expression while looking at him but just followed his clumsy actions with his eyes.

The nervous pale man reached the lone booth and waited before he was allowed to sit down. He rubbed his hands together and took the cloak from his head.

“They haven’t come back, boss.” Plog smiled nervously. “But maybe that’s not all bad. Probably found her and are just waiting to bring her. You know how the desert is. Raiders and other creatures.” He chuckled.

Max Qod, just gave him a long stare and sipped the smoky drink again. He didn’t blink even once.

“But if they don’t find her, I made this.” The pale man looked through his pockets and dropped a rounded dark object. He picked it up quickly, cleaned it up a bit, and slid it through the table.

Qod put down his drink and rose a brow looking at the puck. He pressed it and the blueish hologram displayed the young redhead image and last name; Roznev. Charges: Theft.

“I know It’s a high price, boss, but maybe the best of the best can find her. Maybe if we send this to the Guild. After all, what she took is wh-” Plog's words were cut when the Captain's large hand-pulled him by the hood and made him bang his head in the table.

There was a small moment of silence but the crowd just decided to ignore it as they do with other conflicts or shootouts.

Qod press his head down on the table and moved close enough to his ears and whisper. “You know if you spit any word of what she has, others will come for it. I dunno who told you to make that, but you better destroy it.” He squeezed the head down, poor Plog let out a squeak.

“Better find those idiots, I don’t care if you have to track them down personally. Cant trust bounty hunters.”

Qod shoved him away from the booth and looked down at the pale man. His expression was severe. He left 3 rounded chips on the table and walked away. The folks around just stepped aside to clear the Captain's way.

No one wanted to mess with The Shadows' leader.

…

Nighttime was the quietest at Mos Pelgo; kids were at the house getting ready to sleep. The local business closed when the sunset down. Only the old Weequay kept the light up as he cleaned up his pub, sweeping quietly. Even Banthas were mooing from time to time, almost like they were singing at night.

There was no much action after earlier events. The stranger crashing a speeder close to the town and the Marshal taking down two of them. The third one wounded, probably a victim, or just trouble. That was the two ideas that bounced on The Marshal's head.

He fought so hard for this community to have a moment of peace and he wouldn’t allow strangers to bring trouble to them. No more Key Raiders, Mining Collective, or the Sand people, he would face them all if it was necessary.

Of course, he would stand for his town, he knows that bounty hunters can be ruthless like any enemy and they would try to hit on his weaknesses just to get the worst of him, just enough to make a mistake.

But what were Cobb Vanth´s weaknesses? He wasn’t sure, so far he grew a soft spot for the young stranger.

Her behavior towards him was amusing for him. It was a normal reaction not to trust each other, and yet he felt her long stares, quick looking aways followed by a frown and a tiny blush. He chuckled thinking about it.

He was aware of his appearance, he noticed when women stared at him a little longer, followed by flirty smiles or nervous giggles but it didn’t bother him. Cobb barely had time to flirt back or give them too much attention. There was a lot in his mind, responsibilities, and more. He kept those ideas away and tried to focus on the facts around the accident.

Two bounty hunters were after a young girl. He found a trashed puck but the bounty in the hologram was not her. There was a bag with different pieces that reminded him of Jawas. So, that made her a scavenger, stole from them by mistake and they followed.

The Marshal didn’t have much time to ask her anything about those two cause she passed out in his arms. He was quite surprised how long she endured after the crash and the beat up. That last part made him angry. He would get more intel if he let one of them alive but there was no reason to spare a woman beater's life.

The bruises on the redhead were not severe; puffy cheeks, a black eye, small scratches but the wounded knee worried him the most. It would take her a couple of days to walk and maybe keep up on the road or wherever she is going.

He needed to decide how long he would let the girl stay and not make the villagers anxious about her cause they didn’t like strangers at all. These are hard times and you can’t trust everybody you meet.

That cold night, he was guarding outside the town, keeping an eye in the dark desert, hoping no man or creature would dare to step a foot in his town; A long watch.

He didn’t mind staying there in the cold, after all, he couldn’t patch his eyes at home. All those nightmares kept him awake and just rolling around. He didn’t want to remember all over again when the red-hot steel was burning his skin. He kept his mind on the moment and not in the past. Besides, the new guest/prisoner needed a place to rest.

Was she a prisoner? She didn’t resist the arrest, it was like she had no other choice. It was hard to believe that such a fragile and delicate figure would be dangerous. He didn’t find any weapons in her belongings, there was a bag with random items and pieces to improve a small speeder.

Maybe she stole from the wrong people, the bounty hunters, but they didn’t kill her right away so, there must be something else.

His mind shook off all the ideas and focused on a moving shape. He rose the rifle and waited for a moment.

The old Dewback made a few grunts while stomping his way on the sand. His steps slowed down before it collapsed, breathing heavily. At any time, scavengers would come out to eat the agonizing old beast.

He thought about putting it down to ease its pain, but the noise would bring out something big and mean.

The Marshal observed another food chain example.

…

Screams heard in the darkness.

Her feet felt heavy but didn’t dare to stop. Blasters and explosions just felt closer. Space was getting smaller each time and all the bodies squeezed together trying to breathe when the water reached them. The cage was closed, no one else was allowed to come out, they were left behind. They begged for help, for mercy but the faceless shooters couldn’t tell the difference. Extermination was everything in their program. She backed off to escape until she felt the heavy hand around her throat.

She gasped. The heartbeats pounding in her ears, trying to scream but she couldn’t open her mouth, unable to utter a sound and unable to move.

What seemed an eternity was probably no more than a few minutes when she found herself able to move again. A violent reaction followed by the struck of reality. There was no cage, no water, or hand around her throat. She couldn’t place her thoughts properly.

Her first move was to kick the bedsheets away. Her leg was burning and the other one was not enough to hold her weight. She groaned in pain but stop when the footsteps approached the room.

Nath did her best to sat up and reached the first object to cause enough damage to her captor; a bottle. It was still pretty dark so it was hard to tell. The adrenaline kept pumping in her veins.

The large shadow walked in and, she let out a mighty roar and jumped over it to smash a bottle on its head. The shadow stumbled with her, both crashing the ground. He struggled to keep her hands away from him as she swung her fists furiously.

“Hey! It's me!” He yelled while dodging the fists.

She was lost in her thoughts and kept fighting. He quickly wrapped his legs around her waist to shift the position to overpower her.

“Stop it, Nathsca!” His hands pinned her down on the floor. She wiggled trying to set herself free from his grip.

She fought for a few moments, then huffed and looked back at her captor. It was hard to tell. Both of them were panting and not moving in the darkness, the heartbeat was drumming in her ears, her breath was warm just like his. Her eyes widen when she realized how small was the space between them, feeling each other´s heat and shaking. She didn’t dare to move or saying anything.

“It´s the Marshal,” He spoke softly to break the tension “You had an accident and I brought you here, remember?” Trying to read her expression in the dark.

Nath focused on his words when the memories jumped back. The chase, her speeder crashing and her face buried in sand, the burning slap across her face and then thuds. Two dead hunters and the armored man. She took a deep breath.

“I'm letting you go, alright?” Cobb said.

She was not sure to reply or make any sound, she nodded lightly. Cobb drops the grip on her wrists and moved back slowly. He sat back and kept his distance before checking on her. Nath rested her back against the wall and winced when she tried to stretch her leg.

Cobb studied her body language and sighed. Maybe he went hard on her but she was being erratic and needed to calm down. Pretty strong for a little lady, he thought.

“Where am I exactly?” She asked.

“Mos Pelgo, my place.” He cleared his throat after feeling her murderous glare. “This is a small community, the folks didn’t feel comfortable having you around and, I offered my place, so you could rest. And dont worry, I just arrived, we are not that kind of place.”

“Which kind of place then?”

“Just a town trying to survive, not letting trouble bite our asses again.” He stood up and offered his hand. The woman looked at him for a moment and took it.

She hopped her way back in bed to sit down. Cobb stood right in front of her and folded his arms getting pretty serious. There was a long silence before he spoke up.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you, are you bringing trouble to the town?”

“I'm not planning on staying.” Nath glared him.

“That´s not what I am asking. I mean, two bounty hunters right after you, you must have quite a story for that, miss.”

“None of your business.” She snapped.

“Is my business if you are a guest in my town.” He kept a serious expression.

Nath just rolled her eyes and drummed her feet on the floor while thinking what to say and what not to say. She didn’t want to get into so many details and share her matters.

“I stole from them.”

“That´s pretty obvious but what did you steal exactly? Cause I don’t think two bounty hunters took so much trouble to chase you just for missing parts.”

Her eyes darted him and frowned. She just decided that she didn’t like this man. He was asking too much like he was a real law figure, which was rare around this planet.

“I don't know. I just took off. Look, mister, if we are gonna have a problem cause I'm staying in your dead town is fine. Just give me back my belongings and I'm out.”

“And walk by yourself in the desert and risk to fall in a sarlac pit cause you don’t know the area?”

“I´ll take my chances.”

Cobb huffed and rubbed his temples to keep his cool. This woman is stubborn, he thought.

“I'm sorry, I can’t let you go by yourself.”

“You don’t need to worry about me, is not like you are my father.” She folded her arms and frowned.

“No, but I'm in charge of this town.” He moved close enough to look right into her eyes.

“What is that suppose to mean?” She did her best to keep it with the stare.

“That I'm responsible for everyone in here, and that includes you. So, this is what’s gonna happen. You will stay a day or two until that leg gets better but I need to know what’s coming after you.” He had an intense stare, probably the same one he had while shooting down those hunters.

“Cause whatever comes, will find you and take you down easily and, if he pleases, he will stop by the town. I can’t let that happen. So, if it's necessary, I will make you the first prisoner in Mos Pelgo.”

“Are you putting me in a cage?”

“Or a box, your choice.”

“And you expect me to trust you after saying you are gonna put me in a box? Wow.”

He sighed quite exasperated and shook his head. He was just arguing with a stubborn brat that had no interest or respect for the town.

“Listen, I'm just trying to find a solution so no one gets harmed. You are just a kid.”

“I'm not a kid, I can look after myself and always have.” She snapped again. She hated it when people underestimate her or call her kid.

“So, here’s your solution. I'm leaving. I'm not gonna follow your orders just cause you wear a stupid armor and think you can control everyone.”

Cobb sighed in frustration and took a deep breath, he was too tired to keep arguing with her.

“Fine. You are free to go whenever you want.” He was about to exit the room and stopped for a moment.

“Just don’t do something that would harm the town. These are good people if that means something for you. I suppose thieves don’t know much about loyalty.”

Her words sank when he exited the room. She would argue with him or anyone for hours but, that last one did hurt. She was loyal to those she cared or loved, but right now, she was uneasy about everyone after her crew betrayed her.

He betrayed her for what? Crystals? Beskar? She didn’t even want to open that canister again to know her answer.

Nath just curled back in bed, lost in her thoughts, studying the rounded walls in the small room.

She even felt guilty staying there, in his bed, wondered where he might sleep now. Her temper, that stupid temper always got her in trouble. Being rude towards people that are nice to her, like the Marshal.

He saved her from the hunters, patched her up, gave up his bed, and still, she backlashed at him like she was arguing with someone else.

What was this thing about the Marshal that made her angry?

She didn’t even ask for his name.

#Cobb Vanth #cobb vanth x reader #cobb vanth fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #cobb vanth x oc

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sopeloveee · 4 years

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Worthy

WARNING⚠️ Mature Themes( self harm, mentions of suicide) member: jung jaehyun (NCT) genre: really angsty, with a fluffy ending! this is actually the first in a while that I’ve written on here, so, please sorry for any mistakes or unclarity kinda just wrote this on a whim, please enjoy💚 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- {3:32pm} Jaehyun finds your razor blades and you come home looking for them.

Jaehyun arrives at your house at 3:32 pm. He had just got finished with dance practice with the other members for the new comeback. You and Jaehyun met in Chicago in a Starbucks, as they were currently there for their tour. You had been living in Chicago for about 2 years at the time, and you had worked in Starbucks as a side job for school. He was the most attractive boy you had ever seen, and you were amazing, both blushing as he ordered for him and a couple of the other members. He walked away that day with your cell number on his receipt and his ears burning red.

“You like her. Don’t you?” Mark asks. “Of course not.” Jaehyun responds quickly. Ears getting redder by the second.

“You are literally lying.” Taeyong hops in. “Your ears are as red as my phone case, so cut the shit and text her when we get back to the arena.”

You guys were 7 months into your relationship now, and you had moved to Korea for dance school and to also be closer to Jaehyun, as he couldn’t stand being across the world from you. You’ve been living there for about 8 months now, and was settled into your nice loft that Jaehyun helped pay for. You had given Jaehyun a spare, telling him to come over whenever he felt free. Him coming over became weekly, weekly became daily so you asked him to move in with you, him lighting up at the idea and immediately saying yes. You’ve been living together for about 6 months now, and you were two years and a month into your relationship. Everything had been going good, Jaehyun was a nice man, he always encouraged you to do your best, he was sweet, handsome; what more could you have asked for?

Though, you had good things going for you, you had one thing that was playing a detrimental role in your life; your severe depression and anxiety. It came hereditarily, so there wasn’t anything you could quite do about it, other than therapy and medication. Some days were okay, some were manageable, and others were just downright bad. Today was one of those days, and you’d had enough. Your dance coach had berated you in front of the whole team, calling you a piece of dead weight and a waste of talent. You are a beautiful mixed girl, not too skinny but not thick either. You had a nice body, and nice soft brown skin. You’d hadn’t told Jaehyun about your depression or anxiety, or the fact that being insulted and looked down upon at your dance school was an almost daily occurrence. And when you did good, your teacher would still give you back-handed compliments or not even say anything. Your teammates were very supporting though, they always told you that you were the best and that you had a lot of talent. Your coach was just a dick.

You, being the only brown-skinned person on your team you were often the center of attention. This caused you to become hard on yourself and you believed that it was always on you, and that you should’ve done better as one of the seniors of the team. Times like these, were times where you were at your lowest, seeking self-harm to rid you of the emotions that you had felt that day. So you settled on cutting today as your source of relaxation. You’d leave straight after practice, wanting to get home and just be in the presence of your favorite person. Some friends patted you on the back and gave you words of encouragement as they saw the frown upon your face right as you were leaving. Back at the house, Jaehyun had gotten himself comfortable, making him something to eat and sitting on the couch to watch whatever he could find on tv. After eating, he went to the bathroom to wash his hands (have you washed your hands today?) and realized that there wasn’t any paper towels left in the bathroom. So, after shaking his hands dry and wiping them on his sweatpants, he heads for the supply closet located next to your bedroom. He reaches for the paper towels on top shelf, and while reaching his large hand lands on a small box that was pushed all the way to the side close to the closet wall. He’d never known there was a box up there, what was the box here for? He was sure you had finished settling in. He thought as he pulls the box down from its hiding place. He opens the box and gasps loudly.

Razor Blades. Broken Pencil Sharpeners. Jaehyun can’t believe it. He cries for the first time in years. He would’ve never thought, that you, Y/N, his world, his inspiration, his soulmate, had been hurting yourself. Jaehyun knew all about self harm, as he had lost a dear friend to something so bad and saddening as suicide. He was in shock, crying loudly as his body lost balance and fell to the ground shaking. How come he had never realized what you were going through, how could he have been so oblivious? The sweatshirts, the cardigans, in 85 degree weather. He had always known your style had leaned towards the more artsy/ 90s side, be he never could have thought the reason you wore such big clothing and long sleeves were to hide any scars that you could’ve been withholding. He loved you with his whole being, why have you never told him about something like this? You never were a burden to him, you could’ve opened up to him about it. He couldn’t imagine what you were going through, everything was just running through his head so fast. He took the box and threw all of the blades out, tearing the house up to make sure you hadn’t hid any someplace else in your home. He goes to the bathroom to run water over his face, and heads towards the bedroom to wait for you there.

Twenty minutes later he hears the front door open, and the floorboards creak as you make your way through the house. You don’t announce your entrance. You don’t call out to him, you head straight to the supply closet. Jaehyun gets up and heads towards you, watching as you take out the step stool and climb to the top. Only to find nothing there, he watches with sad eyes as you frown. You don’t even notice him there, to wrapped in your mind to even think that his sorrowful eyes are watching you. Tears escape his eyes and it’s only until he speaks that you realize he’s there.

“ I threw them out.” He says quietly. You flinch harshly at the sound of his deep voice. You turn to him slowly, you heart in your throat, and yours hands tucked anxiously between the sleeves of Jaehyun’s sweater you wore to practice. “ Baby.” He says, choking on his tears. You’re shocked to say the least. You’ve never seen Jaehyun cry, and you would have never though that this would be the reason. You close your eyes feeling guilty, letting your reserve down and letting the tears slip down your plump cheeks rapidly.

He walks over the step stool and lifts you off of it, hugging you tightly and crying his eyes out. “ Why have you never told me? I could’ve helped you, I could’ve-“ You cry harder, everything coming up and out of you. You thrash against his frame, yelling and screaming. “ I love you Y/N, I’m always here, just let it all out.” Jaehyun regathers himself, as to stay strong and be your rock in this moment. You cry for about 15 minutes straight, hiccuping and talking about how you’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety since your early teens. You tell him about dance, you tell him about all the things that you’ve been through, and he listens. He listens intensively as your spill your heart to him, finally relaxed at the fact you can tell him everything. When you finish, he picks you up from the floor, as you both slipped to the ground in each other’s embrace while crying. He brings you to the kitchen, and sets you atop the island looking at you directly into your eyes and softly smiling.

“Thank you for telling me. I love you more now that I know how strong, beautiful, and amazing you are. These scars? They’re in the past, you are the most driven, talented person I know. I want you to come to me with every problem you have, and we’ll fix it together. You never go through stuff alone anymore, I’m always here. I love you so much, and I want you to know that you don’t have to feel like a burden, or a distraction. You are the most important person in my life. You come first, remember that. Can you do that for me?” He sheds a few tears watching as your head hangs low, and he raises your gaze and makes you look at him. “ Can you do that for me Y/N?” You nod quietly, and smile softly. “ I need to hear you say it princess. I know that stopping can be tough, so if you ever feel the urge please tell me, I’ll get you food, make you laugh, hell, I’ll kick the shit out of Taeyong if it’s what it takes to take your mind away from you hurting yourself. Do this for me, I cannot lose you-” He chokes. “ You won’t Jaehyun. I promise.” You both pause and revel in each other’s presence. You feel thankful that you're him with him right now, in this moment. You take some time to get yourself together as best s possible, and you play at the back of his head with the strands of his hair nervously, as he rubs his hands up and down your legs gently. “You can look if you want.” You say shakily. He takes your hands softly as if he could break you, and rolls up the sleeves of his sweatshirt. He looks at the lines with broken-hearted eyes, his fingers shaking as he runs his hand along the scabs and bubbles on your wrists and forearms.

“ Oh princess.” He says, kissing your scars and cuts, and letting his tears run down your arm.

Jaehyun is fully crying again, wrapping his strong arms around your stomach and placing his head on your heart. “ I’ll stay strong for you. I promise. I love you so much.” You say tearfully. He looks up and smiles as tears slip from his crescent eyes. You wipe his tears, and he wipes yours, and he picks you up from the counter and spins you around making you laugh loudly. “ You are so strong. You know that?” You nod, blushing. “ I’m truly so happy that you told me everything. It means a lot to me that you are allowing me to help you recover. I love you so much.”

“ I love you too Jaehyun.”

“ Soo, burgers or pizza?”

“ Burgers ”. You both answer together. “ Yeah burgers for sure.” you say with a smile.

For the first time in your life, you can breathe clearly. For the first time in your life, you feel worthy. Nothing could ever stop you from living. Not with Jaehyun by your side. Not even depression or anxiety.

#nct scenarios #nct #kpop smut #ambw kpop #kpop angst #kpop #nct 127 #nct u jaehyun #jung jaehyun #nct u scenarios #kpop memes #kpop scenarios #nct u #jaehyun #kpop prompts #kpop bands #nct angst #nct fluff

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lombredanslaeu · 4 years

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hourglass | lee jeno

▸angst, fluff i guess??

▸ summary: sometimes, love just ain’t enough.

▸ WARNING: eating disorder, depression, body dysmorphia, starvation. if any of the above triggers you or if you are not comfortable, please refrain from reading the story.

All your life, you never really cared about your weight. As an engineering student and a part-time musical theatre actor, you never had the reason to be conscious of your body. Engineering required only your brain; no one cared what you wore or what you looked like in class. Musical theatre didn’t have as much standards for appearance than it does with vocals. Your body wasn’t that bad anyway. You were considered skinny by some and many grew envy about how you could eat so much and not gain a pound immediately. However, your perception of your body changed the day you started dating Lee Jeno.

You met Jeno when his company’s CEO decided to treat its artists with tickets to a Wicked show. You got the greatest opportunity of playing Elphaba; with your impeccable vocal talent, it wasn’t an effort to grace the stage and awe the audience. Your production always valued you not only because of your talent, but also because of your warm personality. You first made eye contact with Jeno when his company’s CEO took them backstage to meet the cast after the show. You had time to talk for a while as the CEO became deep in dialogue with the show’s director. It was Taeil who first initiated a conversation with you as the others, especially the youngsters, were too shy to start a conversation with anyone. As everyone warmed up with the other casts, you never failed to notice how Jeno was love-struck with you.

“Wow, your voice is defying the laws of gravity,” another member, Johnny, said to you.

You blushed and shook off the compliment. “Thank you so much. That meant so much to me.”

Everyone scurried off to different areas on the backstage. You were caught off-guard when one of the younger members, Jeno, talked beside you.

“How long have you been performing?” He asked.

“Only just for a year. I wasn’t planning on making this long-term. I only wanted to play a few shows here and there.” You explained. “but, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity of being Elphaba.”

“That was one of the greatest performance I’ve seen in so long.” He said. “I actually really enjoy musical theatre.”

“Really?” You asked, shocked by his confession. “What’s your favorite musical?”

“It used to be Cats,” He said, smiling shyly. “But I think know it’s Wicked.”

“Oh please,” You chuckled. “Cats is a really good show.”

He looked at you, laughing shyly. “Do you like frozen yogurt?”

“I like frozen yogurt,” You smiled.

It wasn’t long before you found yourself going on secret dates with the heartthrob. You would bond over coffee, books, and broadway musicals. You never knew he liked musicals. There would days where he would help you practice songs for your next show and you would watch him practice a choreography for a comeback. You both found the one thing that kept you closer and closer: the love for performing.

“Seeing the happy faces of my fans is one thing,” He started, staring off into the night. “But the look on my parents’ as they say how proud they are of me, is what keeps me going.”

You stared at his side profile and swallowed a lump in your throat. “They have every reason to be proud of you.”

He turned his head to meet your eyes. His eyes lingered on yours for a while before looking down at your lips. You blushed at the feeling he had over you.

“You’re really pretty.” He started. The statement took you by surprise. Not a lot of people tell you that you’re pretty but, if it comes from Jeno, any other doesn’t matter anymore.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” You chuckled. You’re not lying. Jeno has the looks that could make anyone wrapped around his fingers. “I feel like I don’t deserve to be under your gaze.”

“Of course you deserve to be looked at.” He said, more seriously this time. “I could build a gallery of you but that would give me more competitors so, I won’t do that.”

“Jeno, if you wanna kiss me, just do it.” You said. You wanted to punch yourself for what you just said. Normally, you would freak out and leave from embarrassment. But now, you held your gaze stronger. You had no idea where the courage came from.

And he did. He kissed you like you were the only thing that mattered. It didn’t end there. Later that night, he showed you how beautiful you are.

Sometimes, he would sneak out, with a member or two, to watch one of your shows. He would stare in awe at how people give you their applause. As the spotlight shine down on you, it was like he was seeing a goddess grace everyone with her beauty.

“Dude, if you don’t ask her out, I’m really gonna do it,” His friend, Jaemin, announced beside him.

“I already beat you into it, punk.” He responded boastfully. The shocked look on his friend’s face made him laugh.

Your peaceful relationship was cut short when his boss found out about the thing going on between you two. To say you were shocked by his calm and accepting nature would be an understatement. His company approved of your relationship. It was like the stars have aligned just for the both of you. The news broke out and spread like wildfire on the internet that night. You were too busy rejoicing with your lover that you failed to notice the threats and harsh comments of furious fans until the next morning.

You were supposed to wake up with the bird chirping and the sun shining just for you. However, you found yourself with an unfamiliar feeling in your gut. It was as if you were scared to do anything and go outside. You knew how ugly criticism from fans could be. You understood that many would not approve of your relationship but you accepted that. His company accepted the relationship and his future in NCT is not affected. At the end of the day, the comments would just float around the internet and disappear before you know it.

“You can block off the comments, you know,” He said.

“Yeah, but I think criticism can always help me improve,” You said. You didn’t want him to hate his fans.

“Those aren’t criticisms, Y/N” He replied. “Those are bashful comments.”

“It’s okay, Jeno.” You smiled, pecking his lips. “I can manage.”

Outfits are an important part in musical theatre. They distinguish which character is which, even if the actor is an understudy. You were casted as Regina George in the musical remake of the hit movie, Mean Girls. The director and costume head requested you wear a crop top and skirt for the role and you said yes; after all, you liked really girly outfits. You were looking over your closet and picked out items that might fit the role. You tried on an outfit that you think was a good combination. You looked at yourself in the mirror and felt a slight wave of worry come across your chest. Jeno’s fans might see your show. What would they think if they saw your body was no match to any female idol that Jeno has interacted with? You walked over to your phone and searched up healthy diets for a good figure.

Jeno had a day off and he wanted to see you practice your songs. You both sat at the couch of your small apartment with lyrics sheet in front of you.

“I wanna have pizza for lunch. What kind do you want?” He asked, fishing his phone out of his pocket to order.

“Oh nothing, I’m kinda watching my figure.” You said, looking down to avoid his eyes. You’re still not comfortable in telling people about your diet, especially to Jeno.

“Are you sure? You can burn those off in work outs anyway.” he said, concern washing over his eyes. It worried him that you weren’t eating. Food was one of the things you both bonded over. You had a fancy palette. He thought it was best to trust in you for now.

“I promise. Olivia makes very good hearty meals. I will eat dinner later.” You said.

With so much going on between theatre and your college life, there is only so much you could do in your free time. Working out would take so much of time and with deadlines as the semester is ending, you couldn’t find any time for it. So, you resulted in skipping meals. You only had two more weeks until the Mean Girls show. You just had to make sure your stomach was flat till the end of the production.

“Do you think my cheeks are too full?” You said to Jeno, squishing your face in front of the mirror.

“I think they suit you.” He said before pinching your cheeks. “It’s also really fun to squish.”

“Ouch,” You chuckled before playfully slapping his wrists away.

“You don’t have to worry about them.” He said, wrapping his arms around you. “They make you who you are.”

“That’s very cheesy, babe,” You said while chuckling.

“Y/N, you don’t have to change because other people wants you to.” He replied, more serious this time. “I’ll make sure you believe that you’re the prettiest girl that I’ve ever seen.”

You were stuck with a question on your Physics quiz. You hadn’t eaten anything since you woke up. While you were standing in front of your mirror, you liked how flat your stomach was. The first show happens tomorrow night and you planned on keeping your body that way until then. The lack of food in your system resulted in your brain not working well. You spent many sleepless nights studying for Physics. Usually, you would have solved this problem in under 5 minutes but right now, you only had a minute left in your quiz and you just can’t seem to figure out what to do. On top of that, you were feeling very light-headed. The ding of your professor’s alarm struck a sharp pain from your ears to your head. You winced as you struggled to stand up. Your seatmate looked over to you, checking if you were okay but you smiled it off. You also regretted telling Jeno about your stupid diet because all he did was bug you if you ate already.

jenobear [11:34 am]: babeee, did u eat already??

jenobear [11:34 am]: oops i forgot u have ur quiz. good luck, love <333

jenobear [11:35 am]: make sure u eat, ok?? I love you.

You sighed and typed out an answer. You said you already ate. You hated lying to him but him being overseas made it easier for you somehow. The night of the show came at last. You sat backstage as Olivia helped you with your hair.

“You look pale. Are you okay?” She asked, concerned.

“Yeah, just a bit light-headed.” You replied. “It’s not like I haven’t performed with a headache before.”

“Okay, sure,” She sighed. She knew you too well. You didn’t like to be bugged with questions, especially if you’re preparing for a show. “Wanna eat at that new wings place? Heard it’s really good.”

“Sure, I could need some wings after the show.” You replied. All you needed was to be in shape for a few hours.

The crowd roared their applause as you, and the other casts, bowed as the show reached its end. You felt a migraine creep up your head and you knew its because you haven’t consumed as much food as you needed to lately. It also felt weird that it made you a bit nauseous when your eyes met the spotlight. You were glad bottles of water is all around the backstage. You picked up your phone and smiled to see messages from Jeno and the other members as well.

jenobear [9:30 pm]: never not proud of you. congrats on your show, love. <3

Lee Haechan [9:45 pm]: Y/N!!! Congrats on your show. I’m sure it’s amazing!

Kim Doyoung [9:50 pm]: Sorry I wasn’t able to go, Y/N. I’m sure you did great tonight, Regina George :)

You smiled and thanked them. You decided you wanted to call Jeno but a notification from a social media site distracted you. One of Jeno’s fans came to see the show and posted pictures of you with the caption “Y/N is very talented! I hope to see more of her shows soon~~” You blushed at the compliment. You know you shouldn’t have but you looked at the replies under the post. Your heart fluttered at the sweet compliments. You thought maybe dating an idol isn’t so bad after all. Over the sea of praise come a harsh comment that caught your eye. “I’m sure her vocals are amazing but she should work on her body.” , “Regina George wouldn’t have a match stick figure.” , “she’s kinda bloated. If only she worked on her love handles, I would like her.” You felt a sickly feeling to your stomach. You took each and every word to heart. You scrolled back up to look at the picture the original poster took. You zoomed in on your body and saw what they were talking about. The girls who played Gretchen and Karen, your character’s fellow mean girls, had Barbie doll bodies. Their curves hit at the right places and they had slim legs. You knew that you shouldn’t let this affect you. You have talent, you have personality. But, you also wanted Jeno’s fans to like you. That led you to texting Olivia to cancel your chicken wings plan.

You prepped yourself to see Jeno again after 2 months. He had schedule after schedule and his team went overseas for at least 2 weeks. You limit your diet to soy milk and water. You looked at yourself in the mirror and you could see the changes. Jeno would definitely notice as well but, you liked how you looked. Your jawline was prominent, your waist was thinner, and even your legs got slimmer. It wasn’t easy slipping out of Olivia’s invites for take out and dinner but you managed, somehow. You started to notice how concerned she got each day, especially this morning.

“I grabbed you breakfast, it’s an omurice.” she said, with a warm smile.

“I can’t eat rice, I’m watching my weight.” You said, slurping down the soy milk.

“Since when did you care about your weight?” She asked.

“Since I realized that my body wasn’t in the right shape.” You made sure none of the words came out as bitter or else, she will suspect something was wrong. She didn’t stop bugging you and it started to make you cranky so you just gave in. After consuming the omurice, you couldn’t deny that you felt better. But the guilt started kicking in and the next thing you know, you’re sticking two fingers down your throat in an attempt to vomit what you just consumed. You stared at the mess on the sink and that’s when you knew something was wrong.

“I missed you so much,” Jeno said, as he held you close to his body.

“How are you, my favorite boy?” You stared lovingly to his eyes.

“A bit tired,” He said, taking off his cap and fixing his hair. “But I slept the whole flight.”

“Do you want to just chill here?” You asked. Everyone in the door went to see a movie with the older members. Jeno and Jisung chose to stay behind since they had plans. He snuggled closer to your body. He noticed how your body didn’t feel familiar. He could definitely tell that you were losing weight.

“I am a bit hungry though,” He responded. He wanted to see you eat. It worried him to the core about thin you were looking lately. It wasn’t obvious when you two would FaceTime but it was more apparent in person. He felt you shift slightly at his response. He spoke before you could. “Have you been trying to lose weight?”

“I just wanted to be more fit.” You said, your heart beating faster each time you lie. “I’m working out.”

As someone who works out to maintain his body, Jeno knew well that your body wasn’t a result of working out. But as someone who cares about their appearance, Jeno also knew that he shouldn’t jump into major conclusions yet. He knew how horrible the talk about weight is and he didn’t want to put you through it. Besides, he knew you and he knows that you wouldn’t lie to him.

You felt conflicted as you noticed that Jeno was becoming concerned about how thin you got. To make him believe that you were well, you agreed in eating take-out with him for lunch. You know what to do after, anyway. As you wait for him to finish showering, you decided to check your social media accounts. You tapped on instagram to replied to a comment Olivia wrote on your new post. You laughed silently at how your friends gave funny compliments. Your eyes browsed through the comment sections. Normally, it would be filled with comments about your face, body, and how you didn’t deserve Jeno. This time, it was filled with compliments about how great you look. “I wish I had her body :(“, “Body goals oh my god”, “SKINNY LEGEND QUEEN”. You felt your cheeks blush at the compliments. You realized that the thinner you got, the more you got full of praise. You intend to keep it that way.

Jeno scrolled through his twitter feed and saw an article from a k-pop news page. It was an article about your drastic weight loss. He looked at the pictures included in the article. There were pictures of you from months ago with your old body. Jeno reminisced the first time you met. You looked healthy and happy. You didn’t have the curviest figure, but you were healthy. Following the old pictures were recent pictures of you, both from your recent social media posts and pictures from fans during your latest theatre shows. Your ribs were more prominent and it created a tidal wave of concern to wash over Jeno. He didn’t realize how much he missed the old you. The one who was never scared to try different food. Now, it was like every time he asked you to eat with him, you always refuse. But, he was too kind to base a fight over your appearance.

You sat across the couch with Olivia. You two decided to watch the latest season of The Office.

“Wait, let me use the bathroom for a while” She announced. While she did her business, a phone on the coffee table in front of you lit up. Your phone was laid beside hers so you looked over to see it was her phone that had the notification. What you didn’t expect was who sent her the message.

You have one new message from Lee Jeno.

You didn’t know what to think. It would be immature of you to accuse them of being unfaithful when you don’t know what the message contained. But why would she text him? Why would he text her? As in on cue, Olivia came back from the bathroom.

“Uhm, Liv” You started. “Why are you texting Jeno?”

She stared at you. She knew what you would think but she promised Jeno she wouldn’t tell you about what they were talking about.

“Oh, you know what?” You said suddenly. “It doesn’t matter. You two can be friends and I trust both of you.” You tried so hard not to sound jealous because you weren’t. Olivia is like a sister to you.

You knew well that she wouldn’t betray you like that. She smiled slightly and offered you the popcorn. You shook your head and she snapped.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Y/N” She said. You were caught off guard by her outburst. “You wanna know why I’m texting Jeno?”

You gulped, maybe you don’t want to know why. You changed so much of yourself to please him, his fans, and his management. If they betrayed you like this, you wouldn’t know what to do.

“You’re starving yourself, haven’t you?” She asked, her eyes burning holes into your skull.

“I-I’m not…” You stuttered. You thought you were good at lying but apparently, you’re not.

“Really?” She said. “Ever since you started dating Jeno, all you cared about was your weight. We don’t eat out anymore. We don’t cook anymore. What bothered you? Is it him? Is it the fans?”

You know you could never blame anyone, but yourself. It wasn’t their fault you turned out this way. It was one thing to hear about your weight loss from concerned fans, but it was another when it’s coming out of your best friend’s mouth. You didn’t realize that tears were falling out. The moment Olivia wrapped her arms around you, everything collapsed. All the pressure, the frustration that built up inside of you for so long. The urge of wanting to eat, to feel what it was like to taste again. The anger you felt for yourself for letting it become this bad. It all collapsed and fell from your eyes.

“Here, there isn’t a lot of sugar in that,” Jeno offered you some cookies. You decided to visit him in the recording studio. You were doing so well. You decided to enrol yourself in a support group, as well, and you’ve never missed a single meeting. But you knew you were only forcing it. You saw Olivia and Jeno cry over your situation. It was unfair that you bring them into your mess. Maybe if you say you’re fine loud enough, you’ll believe it.

“I’m proud of you.” His eyes sparkled as he said those word to you.

“I love you.” You responded, before leaning in for his lips.

It took everything in Jeno to let you know how much he loves you. By the way his lips merge with yours and how his hands worshiped every crevice of your body. Each touch symbolizes that you are the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes on. You knew that; but, you wish you could believe it. With every praise that heat your cheeks, comes a wave of hate that consumes it all. Will a beautiful body make it all better for you?

You hurried to your bathroom the second you got home. Olivia was out to her boyfriend’s night, leaving you alone with your habits. As your fingers hit the spot on your throat, you felt the hot bile rise from your stomach. It burned and left a sour taste to the back of your mouth; and you loved it. You missed the sensation of your stomach being empty. You never knew how much you liked the feeling of being empty until you felt it again.

“Am I not enough for you” Jeno spoke, his eyes attached to his hands that are clasped in front of him.

“What are you saying, babe?” You asked. You tried to see where this was going. You made you sure every lie that came out of your mouth was believable; why is he saying those things?

“I try so hard to make sure everything I do for you is enough,” He said. It was obvious in his demeanor that he was tired. “I worry about you all the time. The members try so hard to cover up for me every time I needed to tend to you.”

You chuckled, “So what is this? You’re telling me I’m a pity party?”

“No,” He shook his head, not believing the attitude you’re giving him. Frustration was starting to let itself be known on his features. “What else could you possibly want? I give you love, I give you space. I get tired as well, you know.”

That’s when it dawned on you. Love is not enough. Love won’t come magically and heal everything. Jeno could give you all the love in the world but it won’t be the remedy. Love doesn’t fix everything. You can’t just go up to a broken person and expect romance would suddenly want them to dance on their grave. It doesn’t work that way. You never had the courage to tell him that. In retrospect, you wish you had it in you to say it.

“You’re enough for me, Jeno.” You said quitely. You didn’t know what else to say. All this time, you never blamed him. But here he is now, throwing it all back at you. You still won’t blame him though, he doesn’t know what it feels like; you’re glad he doesn’t know how it feels like.

“I don’t know how to help you if you can’t help yourself.” He said, sighing as if he has given up. Maybe he has given up. The people who left you before has taught you to swallow every plead to make them stay. That’s the only think you could stomach to swallow right now - the words to make him fight a little longer. You didn’t know how much long it would be for you to be okay, or if you could actually be okay. But, you knew better than to run after others when you can’t even stand for yourself. Some nights, you feel yourself drown in cold sweat. Your body felt like it could give up on you any minute. You laid still and wait; but it never came. You wondered how much longer.

Jeno has a bright future ahead of him. The news of him being single again gave him new schedules that would give him exposure to different opportunities. He didn’t regret leaving. He still occasionally see your musical shows just to check how you are. You will never know this but he hopes it’s always sunny wherever you are.

a/n: i hope you liked this. this hit close to home. i would like to remind you that if you are experiencing symptoms of any mental illness, please check with a professional. mental health is a topic that i hold deeply in my heart since i have experience from mental illnesses. i would also like to remind everyone to always be kind to others - whether it would be our friends, people we don’t like, and even idols. let’s not contribute to anything that could affect them negatively. as always, feedback and requests are always appreciated. love u all <33

#lee jeno #jeno x reader #jeno x you #nct jeno #jeno imagines #jeno angst #lee jeno angst #nct dream #nct au #nct dream imagines #jeno timestamps #jeno fluff #nct imagines

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the-elusive-libbin · 4 years

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Stuffing canons for Vishnal, Arthur and Dylas - Rune Factoy 4

I was asked to do some of these a while back when I didn’t have anonymous asks on and the person who asked for them wished to remain anonymous. So here they finally are, ready to share with you guys.

Vishnal:

-Vishnal rarely overeats. As one of the three butlers in the castle, he must be formal, courteous and proper at all times; everything is set to a tight schedule with each job or chore in its rightful place. This includes of course breakfast, lunch and dinner.

-He eats regularly at set times and rarely misses out, however I do think that the butlers, when in polite company must eat after the guests and do so without complaint. Oftentimes, the company stays at the castle rather late and the butlers must clear away the table before they themselves eat leaving Vishnal to daydream about the wonderful meal he’ll be able to enjoy after a hard day’s work.

-His stomach will moan quietly to itself as he thinks and often Vishnal will daydream so much that he makes a clumsy mistake and falters. Yes this earns a scolding from Volkanon but the poor thing is hungry so he’s let off, he dreams of being happily full on fancy food.

-Luckily the butlers of the castle are not treated like slaves and do indeed want to be there. This means that their meals will also be nutritious and filling. Vishnal often only eats until his belly feels weighted and comfortably full as it means he does not have to sit through the post meal consequences of overindulgence and will in fact be able to continue with his tasks without his belly weighing him down. This of course is un-ideal.

-When comfortably full, Vishnal will rarely belch and his stomach will be settled. Although I picture him having a weaker tummy I do not see it being very gassy when fed the correct amount, for which the young butler is grateful. Overindulgence is a different matter however.

-On the odd occasion where he does overeat it will be when the food is too delectable to stop in his feasting. Perhaps he loses track or simply just cannot get enough of the food put before him. He realizes how much he has eaten only after his uniform begins to pinch at his middle and the butler looks dumbfounded at his rounded belly; blushing at his lapse of refinement, even when alone in the room.

-Vishnal’s belly cannot hold as much as some of the game’s other bachelors but when bloated, becomes obvious due to his skinny body and tight uniform. It rounds at the base and becomes taut to the touch.

-He will voluntarily overeat on three occasions: 1. If he gets involved in the eating contest, which he canonically does each year in the game. 2. If his S/0 were involved. For example if they had a kink for it or they made him a ton of home cooked food that needn’t go to waste and he desperately wanted to impress them. 3. If he were to be demanded to overeat by a higher up. The poor butler would have to comply whether he’d like it or not.

-When stuffed Vishnal’s stomach becomes rather loud and quick to complain, full of gas and susceptible to random, embarrassing belches. The butler cannot belch loudly at all and in fact is embarrassed by how stifled and struggled they sound when stuffed...then again, he only really belches at all when his belly feels like a rock on his lap. Imagine Kiel and Arthur being able to belch louder than you! Unimpressive to say the least.

-The skin on his belly is sensitive to the touch and moving a finger gently around his swollen abdomen in circles will make him shudder and recoil in secret delight. Not many people know of this.

-He likes belly rubs from his s/o and will often lie on his back in the bedroom in a way that seems as though he is begging for them, pleading eyes and all. Sometimes he’ll gently push his tummy out to meet the hand of his s/o for the rubs. Vishnal is submissive mostly and allows his s/o to snuggle and lay on top of his stomach but will blush like mad when they accidentally push up some of that contained gas as a belch.

Arthur:

-Arthur usually forgets to eat because he’s so invested in his work all of the damn time. Maybe this has had an effect in shrinking his poor, neglected stomach? This may be the case but I personally like to think that Arthur’s tum can stretch a little to accommodate more food.

-He rarely overeats but has been known to do so. Like with Vishnal and the other boys he does enter the annual eating competition despite knowing that he can’t eat as much as some of the other contestants.

-Other times when Arthur overeats its because he’s being forcibly stuffed by Porcoline as a punishment for forgetting to eat and possibly wasting good food. I’m pretty sure there’s a scene where Porco is chasing the poor prince to get him to take a break, for some reason my mind always goes back to the idea of the chef stuffing him to the brim. You know Porcoline wouldn’t stop until Arthur is fit to burst.

-Another reason that the prince will stuff himself to bursting is when he has forgotten to eat for a fairly long time and he’s so famished and weak that he must eat something now. He’s been in his office working away for days and consequently been missing all of his meals. Even Dylas’ incessant knocking on his door with food platters hadn’t roused him. In this instance, the prince will wander into the restaurant in the next room and order a lot of anything. Eating rapidly, though in a refined manner will see to filling his stomach properly. In a trance he would eat until his belly feels bloated, sore and very heavy. Luckily his robes aren’t too tight and so his gut isn’t noticeable to anyone but himself...and Porcoline who watches intently, a smug smirk planted across his face.

-Arthur hates being stuffed because it interferes with his work plans, all he wants to do is sleep and rest his large, uncomfortable belly as he wills it to digest away. He cannot work on a full belly and due to it making him sleepy he cannot pull one of his usual workaholic all nighters.

-Often the prince finds that a couple of large onigiri are enough to fill his belly, or at least quieten it down and therefore, the prince assumes that he is full. Onigiri are some of his favorites because they are quick and easy to eat and I quote that they are “best eaten on an empty stomach.”

-The prince is positively ashamed of the roundness of his gut after he overindulges and removes those robes. Oh my....Maybe it’s a little bigger and rounder than he initially thought. He moves his hands around the bloated mass, framing the orb in dismay. How had he eaten so much? Arthur’s skinny frame would do nothing but enhance the protruding gut too. How humiliating. Even alone, his cheeks would flush and his glasses would steam.

-Arthur’s stomach is well behaved when full and doesn’t make too much noise when digesting a large meal but his belches are loud and un-princely which humiliates him to no end. His belly is not well behaved however when hungry, all it does is yell and make it known that he is starved throughout his daily workload with loud, echoing rumbles that can be heard throughout the restaurant.

-With his s/o Arthur is still very reluctant to overeat and will only do so for them should they insist. He is very embarrassed at first about letting them lay their head atop his digesting belly but will become more allowing of it over time, evidently becoming less embarrassed by the sounds.

-The prince has been known to accidentally tease and flirt in the game in a very smooth way. He is actually very suave and gentlemanly which shocked me as I expected him to be hoity-toity and snooty, if not very shy. I was very pleased to find out that my assumption was wrong.

-Going by the above comment then I would assume Arthur is the type to tease his S/o should he find out their attraction to the stomach area. He will comment more on the empty rumbles of his stomach, asking if they heard or complaining about how exhausted his stomach is. “It appears my stomach would agree with me this time. I am famished.” When he is full he may take his s/o’s hand and place it atop his stomach, commenting about the hungry sounds stopping and showing them just how much of a dent the food made in his gut.

Dylas:

-Of the three bachelors suggested to me in this ask, Dylas is the one that can eat the most and the one that most frequently stuffs his gut to bursting. The horse man has quite the strong and sturdy stomach and can eat quite a lot. His capacity I would say is possibly twice as much as Vishnal, of course Doug would have a similar capacity as his rival. I secretly like to believe that he can eat the second most of all 6 bachelors with Doug coming third and Leon coming first; thereby humiliating the rival duo.

-Dylas is canonically competitive and like all of the other guys enters the annual eating competition where he aims to not only win, but more importantly beat Doug! We luckily get a stomach growl from Dylas in this event before the contest which proves that he has been preparing to eat a whole lot by going hungry for a while before. Of course he denies preparing for the competition until his belly gives him away and he becomes embarrassed, quickly ending the conversation. Typical tsundere.

-Of course Dylas pushes himself to be better than Doug with whom he has a healthy rivalry, which unknowingly brings him out of his shell little by little. He will likely eat very quickly and constantly during this competition, glancing at his rival’s belly and comparing the increasing size with his own in secret.

-He realizes that he’s at his limit when swallowing food becomes a chore and eventually pains him. His stomach moans and churns as it unwillingly accepts more and more of the oncoming meal. Dylas knows he’s nearing his limit. Sweat drops appear on his face as he struggles. He undoes his belt to allow his belly to surge forward, gas pooling and flooding upwards and escaping from his mouth in a long, low “BuuuuOOOooooOoooARrrrP!” The horse man blushes and winces but continues, he has to win!

-Dylas can belch the alphabet but is too embarrassed to do so. He often stifles his belches as best as he can with them being so deep and powerful as he sees them as rude. He will however belch softly in compliment after a big meal provided by his s/o or Porco. Should his s/o enjoy his belches, he will not stifle them though this may occur later on in their relationship. When competing with Doug he is not afraid to attempt to belch louder than him...which he can.

-By the end of his needless stuffing, Dylas’ belly is swollen out like a globe on his lap and he leans back, groaning and clutching his belly. He’d secretly wish for stomach rubs and curse inwardly at himself for being so stupid. He bought this upon himself after all. this is the only time I can see him overindulging this much willingly.

-Dylas has a very disruptive stomach in general. It’s not sensitive but it is very loud due to its strength. His digestion is loud and grumbly and embarrassingly enough, his hunger rumbles are even louder. But Dylas can digest almost anything, is not very susceptible to food poisoning or stomach bugs and can eat things that most of the other can not.

-The horse man does not like being overly stuffed and would prefer to eat a reasonable amount, if not just a little bit overly full. He can’t move with a huge, protruding belly and cannot focus on an empty, growling stomach. May as well eat enough to keep himself going for a while right?

-He finds satisfaction in filling himself up on the fish he catches as it feels like he is living off the land and providing for himself in the process. He also secretly loves the roundness of a comfortably full belly. It makes him realize how grateful he is to be in such a welcoming town and not out hungry somewhere.

-Like Arthur, Dylas is often stuffed by porco but nowhere near as much. Dylas actually eats when it is meal time after all.

-He is easily embarrassed by his growling stomach and full stomach respectively apart from when in an eating contest/endurance contest with Doug. In cases of his rivalry, he is proud of his belly and how he is able to stand against the dwarf....that is until he returns home and the nausea kicks in and he is left feeling a little less like the champion he originally felt like.

-The waiter will end a conversation or leave the room if his belly is growling too loudly or if he is being teased about the bloating or lack there of in his stomach.

-In regards to a s/o that has a belly kink, Dylas would take time opening up and would allow them to do things at a very slow pace. Maybe he starts with letting them listen carefully to the groans and rumbles. Maybe then he moves onto letting them touch his belly and finally he’ll allow for belly rubs and placing their head upon his stuffed gut. It will always embarrass him but eventually it won’t fluster him so much and in the end he may even start teasing his s/o about his belly on his own accord.

#Dylas #arthur #vishnal #rf4 #belly kink #stuffing

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mor-beck-more-problems · 4 years

Text

A Brainful Process || Morgan &Rio

@3starsquinn

Cemetery field trip!

(Contains: zombie and animal gore)

Cemeteries were safer to visit in Morgan’s idle house than the woods. In cemeteries, most of the company was resting six feet under, and those that weren’t had a tendency to wave at Morgan as she walked by, content to leave her alone, one still soul to another. Some even warned her when it was better to turn back home. There’s a girl with the stake that comes by around now, a ghost might say. Or, we don’t like you that much. Cemeteries were safer, yes, and yet somehow tonight Morgan still found herself tackled to the ground, wrestling with a one legged zombie who, for all her wild hunger, really knew how to use her strength to her advantage. “Uh--a little help, maybe?” She called, appealing to one of the spirits nearby. “I don’t know what you expect me to do about it,” the old man said, and drifted off to watch her struggle somewhere else. “Okay, okay, ok--ow!” The zombie woman bit into her shoulder, moaning with hunger. Morgan kicked, trying to knock her off balance enough to shift the weight between them like Mina had taught her, but it was a lot harder when the opponent didn’t have much of a mind for sensing pain. Morgan set her jaw and lashed out to struggle with the zombie woman again. “We got this,” she grunted. “You’re gonna be fine, you just gotta stop trying to eat me!”

Cemeteries had scared Orion far before he knew ghosts and spirits existed. He supposed he always knew they were real. Growing up learning about werewolves and Fae made pretty much anything believable. If his parents had bothered telling him about Santa, Rio might still think he was real. But he had always thought of ghosts in the more creepypasta YouTube sense. That they haunted others. They were crazy stories that made things colder and flipped on lights. Not the kind that possessed other humans and drained their life force. But ever since Rio had learned about the Dybbuks and other evil spirits, Rio hadn’t been able to get them off his mind. Rio began pulling books about ghosts and spirits. The more he read, the more intrigued he became with some of the accounts of sightings. Winston and Ricky must have really gotten to Rio. Without even realizing it, on his way home that night he was taking a detour and heading towards the cemetery. For no other reason than pure stupidity, if Rio had to guess. Once he was within range however, he started hearing voices. The hairs on his arms stood straight up and he immediately began shaking. At least, until he realized that the voices weren’t ghosts or spirits but a person. A person that sounded like they were in danger. Rio picked up his pace, beginning to job before breaking into a sprint towards the cemetery, stopping only when he finally spotted the source of the voice, a woman being attacked by another. “Hey!” Rio yelled, trying to sound more dangerous than he actually was, “Let her go!” Rio began moving towards the two slowly, freezing when he finally realized who the victim of the evening was, “Professor?”

The sound of another voice made Morgan’s dead body go stiff. Fuck. The last thing she needed was human company, or some hunter about to stumble upon a two-for-one deal. “W-we’re fine!” She grunted, finally grappling the zombie woman to the ground and pinning her down. “She’s--she’s just---uh--” Morgan struggled for a good lie. The woman was in literal pieces, her skin sagging off her bones and pockets of bare muscle spreading bursts of dark, grotesque color. And the person was coming closer. “Having an attack! Nothing to see here--Rio?”

Morgan saw him through the edge of her vision and didn’t know whether to be relieved or agitated. She hadn’t told Rio the ‘sudden loss in her family’ that explained away two weeks worth of missed classes had been her own. She hadn’t told any of her students. Funny enough, that still wasn’t a conversation she felt like having. But there wasn’t going to be any fooling him. He was too much of a supernatural scholar to not see the obvious, at least when it came to the woman thrashing and groaning under her. “Hey!” She said brightly, panic tight in her smile. “How weird and amazing to run into you here! I’m fine, she’s fine, we’re both fine right now, completely. But you should really stay back and um, maybe grab some rope? And some fresh brains?” She was convinced, maybe falsely, that she had enough confidence to sell everything she was saying without the need for questions. Then the zombie woman rocked against her weight and threw her off, driven by the pull of fresh meat.

For a long moment, Orion just stood from a distance and stared at Morgan and the woman clawing at her. This didn’t make any sense. Why was Morgan being so casual right now? Was this some sort of fever dream brought on by the lack of sleep? “Uh” Rio hummed, drawing it out for far longer than any of them needed. “Both fine. Right.” He realized, maybe many beats too late, that he had still not moved from his spot. Until now, he had stared at the sight as if it was a horror scene in a movie. “Brains?” Rio asked, touching at his head instinctively before realizing that Morgan probably had a rope and brains here. Because this was a zombie. A zombie. A ZOMBIE? It took this long for the fear to finally rush into Rio’s body and he immediately started fidgeting, the usual skin crawling feeling worming its way through his body. “Oh my god. A zombie! I’ve never met a zombie! I’m going to do something now.” Rio spoke aloud, as if that was going to finally motivate his body to follow the commands. Apparently it worked, his feet finally inching across the grass and towards the two. “What do you want me to do with these things once I have them?”

Morgan’s thin smile fractured with dismay. As much as she was relieved Rio wasn’t some guns a blazing hunter trying to get more goo for their collection. But she didn’t know if this was really the time for scholarly curiosity either. Maybe more like run and take action time. Move faster NOW time. Morgan dove for the zombie again, tackling her to the ground and pressing down with all her weight. She looked up at Rio, pleading for his help. She could keep the zombie pinned down for now, but she wouldn’t be able to help the dead woman with just her hands alone. And, shit--of course Rio wouldn’t have anything on him. He wasn’t Kaden, for crying out loud. Morgan looked around them, mind racing to keep up, to stay ahead of any panic. Maybe this was the time for scholarly curiosity. “The plan!” She said, forcing as much confidence into her bright voice as possible. “The plan is you...find something that will do instead of rope. Um...your belt! And uuh…” She looked around her with dismay. “My belt!” It was a lot daintier, meant for her small waist as decoration rather than supporting any weight. “And we are going to bind the zombie as tightly as we can. Because, fun fact: zombies have a much higher pain threshold than humans! Whatever would hurt for you won’t hurt for them, so that’s not something to worry about when they’re...like this.” She swallowed thickly and forced another smile as the zombie rocked and struggled under her. “When her limbes are secure, we’ll get her some of the food from my bag--” what was supposed to have been her lunch, “--and give her some of that. And then...more, probaby. From...somewhere else. I’m not...actually sure from where yet, but--fun zombie fact 2: decomposition and ‘rabid’ behavior is a symptom of starvation and not, necessarily, the zombie’s natural state! With sustainable access to food, your average zombie isn’t much different than a human, by outward appearances anyway.” Now if they could work on this together without Rio wondering too hard about how she knew all this, it might actually be easy. Or at least, not hard.

Okay, obviously it was clear that Morgan was preoccupied right now. Trying to hold back the woman- er uh the zombie from munching on either of them. Ignoring the swelling excitement as well as the far more palpable fear that was building inside of him, Orion tried to put aside any jitters and listen to Morgan’s instructions. He was lucky he had worn jeans today instead of the usual joggers or track pants, and that he was embarrassingly skinny for his age and height, so any pair of jeans that he wore usually required a belt. He pulled the belt free, hooking his pinky around a belt loop to avoid his jeans dropping. God, that would be embarrassing. “Okay uh- my belt is good. And your belt is uh- still attached to you.” Rio called, still standing a few feet back. He was not incredibly comfortable with the idea of undoing his teacher’s belt, but he supposed there were… strange circumstances.

“This is great!” Rio tried remaining positive, his voice cracking at the end of his sentence. Although Rio greatly appreciated the information on Zombies, a species he had not done much study on. He was familiar with a couple of culture’s depiction of zombies in their own lore, but from what Morgan was describing, they differed quite a bit. “I am very happy to help and I am totally going to keep my cool during this time.” Rio said aloud, probably trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince Morgan. He slowly inched towards them, holding his arms out with his belt gripped tightly in both hands. “Do uh- you want me to do this? Or you? Is the whole thing about a zombie bite still true?”

Jeepers, this was going to be tricky. The zombie woman was beginning to thrash, dragging her and Morgan across the ground inch by inch. The closer Rio got, the more she wriggled her head, gnashing her rotting teeth. Morgan shifted position, pressing her knee down into the woman’s back. This was really not very seemly, but she couldn’t think of another way that would keep the zombie from hurting anyone long enough to feed properly. “We got this, we got this,” she murmured, still racing for ideas. “We got this!” She declared. “You are doing a great job, Rio! Just grab her legs and I’ll get the arms, and we’ll bind them up together. No worries!” She grabbed one of the zombie’s arms, then the other, wrestling against the woman’s frustration. “But, uh, yeah, about the bite. Fun fact, that’s--fuck!” The zombie woman’s teeth bit into her hand, grazing the cuff she used to hide her real scar. Morgan finished wrangling the arms with a grimace and whipped off her belt to fasten her arms together so the wrists would come more easily. “The bite thing is real,” she said, looking down at the wound in her hand. “But don’t freak out, Rio, okay? It doesn’t matter if she bites me, it’s you I’m worried about. Uh, get her wrists and ankles together?”

Orion could do this. He could totally do this. He did not love the idea of grabbing onto this woman, zombie or no. But Morgan seemed convinced that she would not feel the pain and that they were not going to harm her. That was what Rio wanted right? What was some tying and gagging if it meant helping her and others not get hurt? That was totally something that Rio could get behind. Grabbing onto her legs was surprisingly easy. Hunter strength and all made wrangling the woman’s legs surprisingly easy. At least, until the zombie bit Morgan. Rio dropped the legs immediately and began screaming his head off. At that moment, he wasn’t sure what was happening. Would Morgan turn into a zombie? How fast was the process? Was there something he could do to stop it? Rio had seen some zombie shows. How they amputated the body part that had been bitten to stop the spread. Even the idea made Rio light headed. He definitely couldn’t do that. Finally, Rio contained himself again, grappling the legs again and holding them. What the heck did Morgan mean that she wasn’t worried about herself? Was she immune to the bite somehow? “I- I don’t- uhhhhh” Rio’s brain broke for a moment, but he forced himself out of the slump. Grabbing onto the woman’s wrists and easily pulling them back to meet the ankles and wrapping his belt around them. “Oh god- Oh god. I hate this. I’m really bad at this. I think I’m going to puke. Are you okay???”

“Rio! You cannot puke on this woman!” Morgan shrieked. Oh dear. This wasn’t calm. This was the opposite of calm. Could she breathe? Was that ever going to work again? She missed the time when all she had to do was tell herself to breathe and her body would start to right itself back into something right and normal. But the quiet was too great and there was too much happening at once. “I’m fine! I’m not even bleeding!” Mostly because she didn’t have any circulation. “Just--just hold her steady and don’t turn into a zombie!” She scrambled over to her bag and prised open a tupperware full of brains, a blend, as it happened, but even a smidgen of person in there probably wasn’t going to get this woman back to normal. They’d have to take her somewhere better, or get better to her. Morgan stuck the tupperware under the woman’s nose and watched, grimacing, as she moaned and wrangled herself closer to fit as much of it in her mouth as possible. Morgan sat back and deflated. That would keep her busy for, what, five minutes? “I’m sorry,” she said. “I am fine though. I’m…” Morgan shook her head and sid off the cuff, showing Rio her old scar, a perfect oval in the shape of Remmy’s mouth. “I’m already bitten and dead, Rio. Say, you didn’t happen to bring a car here, did you?”

“I’m not going to puke on her!” Orion yelled back, unsure why he was even still yelling. Stress. He totally blamed stress. He needed to calm down. Take a chill pill or something. That was all thrown out the window when Morgan tried to reassure him by letting him know that she wasn’t bleeding. “How are you not bleeding?” Rio was right back to freaking out now. But Morgan seemed more together than Rio was. She was in the right state of mind to fish out something from her bag and give it to the tied up woman. “Is that… brains?” Rio asked, the most calm he had been since showing up here. He examined the mush curiously. Everything seemingly clicked into place when Morgan showed off what looked like an old, already healed scar. She was dead? “You’re… a zombie?” Rio muttered aloud, needing to hear the words to actually begin processing it. A moment of fear passed through him as he considered that Rio had just willingly walked into being part of their midnight snack. But he pushed the thought away quickly. That couldn’t be. This was his professor. They had talked about books and the supernatural together. “Woah. You’re nothing like the old Haitian story of zombies.” His head tilted curiously as he examined his teacher to try to pick out any defining details. By all accounts, she looked human to him. “Hmm… interesting.” Rio nodded, and then grimaced at the next question, “About that… I don’t really have a car right now. It belongs to my parents and I’m not really talking to them right now and- y’know what? It’s a whole thing. Clearly we have other things going on right now. Maybe I can call my friend Blanche. Or one of my roommates! Maybe they can help us? Or uh… Where are we taking her anyways?”

“Wow, kid, that’s really one heck of a compliment,” Morgan deadpanned. “But...yes. I got hurt really bad and I died. Two months ago now. That’s why I missed so much school towards the end of the semester. I died, Rio.” She looked down at the woman gnashing her teeth at the brain bits in the tupperware. “But I have people who help take care of me. I can stay fed easily. I have a home. I have a girlfriend that loves me. I even have magic pills for my new zombie physiology that help manage all the depression I’ve got over dying. I don’t know which of those this woman is missing, but whatever it is, she’s still a person. She’s as much of a person as I am. Does that make sense?” She looked at him earnestly. Rio was a good kid. Rio didn’t believe in hurting people. He had to get it. Maybe it was hard to see the woman in her own right. Even Morgan couldn’t do that. She didn’t know her name or if she was happy before she died or how long she had been dragging herself out of bed. She could only see her pain. She had to be in so much pain to have sunk this far. The days of starving had to have been excruciating. With this kind of decay, maybe it was even weeks. “I was thinking of getting her to the butcher’s, but I don’t know if their stock will be enough for her. It’s worth a shot, if we can keep her from getting noticed. “Unless you wanna do a run? You got venmo, Rio?” She asked. The brains were almost gone, and of the two of them, Rio was the one most in danger. And this wasn’t his problem, now that she was mostly subdued. “You don’t have to, you know. I can take this from here.”

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say at this moment. Clearly, Orion had no idea what he was doing. He had grown up knowing about the supernatural. He loved learning about them and yet despite this he still had just barely scratched the surface. He knew nothing about Zombies, or real zombies at least. “Wow. I’m uh- sorry? That doesn’t sound like a good thing. But you don’t look dead.” Rio tried, he didn’t think that helped redeem him. “Okay that was probably a bad thing to say too. But despite all that… I’m really glad that you have a good support system, y’know? That must have been a really difficult thing to go through and… well I’m really glad things seem okay now. At least, hopefully everything’s okay.” And Morgan seemed dead set on helping this woman right now. And though the woman tied up seemed a little… murdery right now, Rio believed that with some help she could end up like Morgan seemed now. Completely put together. “I believe you. And I’m in. Let’s help her. Uh- I can run somewhere and get stuff… I don’t know what to get. But tell me and I’ll figure something out.”

“Well, you can tell that to my necrosis whenever I wait too long to eat my wheaties.” Morgan mumbled. You can test my pulse too, if you want.” She held out her hand, the bite standing out as a heavy shadow on her pale skin. “And no, you don’t need to be sorry--” But Rio was. He was just a kid doing his best with problems way bigger than himself. “But thank you. I know you mean it well.” She stared at the woman writhing in front of them again. She could see, too clearly now, what hunters did. A raving thing, a disaster they needed to triage before it got out of hand, a monster… “I can venmo you. A hundred dollars so should be able to buy out the brains at the butcher shop, whatever other weird organs they’ve got. That’s a start.” And while he was out she could maybe scrounge up a deer. They wandered through near dusk in little clusters, and it was the time of year when fauns were left to hide in the tall grass while mothers hunted. If she was quick and lucky, she’d be able to nab one for this woman to have. And maybe then, maybe if they were lucky, she could be okay. Morgan wrenched a hand through her hair and took out her phone to send the money over.

Orion laughed, happy that despite the horrible events that had clearly befallen his teacher without him even knowing about it, she could maintain some level of humor. “Don’t worry. I believe you. It’s uh- definitely not my first rodeo with the supernatural.” Even if he didn’t quite understand, he did believe. “Um right. I got it. Give me…” Rio paused, checking his phone for the time, “Twenty minutes. I’ll be back as soon as possible.”

One of the good things about being a hunter? Superhuman endurance. Rio was definitely not in shape, but he could run for a while without having to stop. From here, he was pretty sure that it would be more efficient to get a car. If he could run home and borrow Ricky’s truck then he could get to the butcher shop and back without too much trouble. So he ran towards their house as fast as he possibly could, not letting anything distract him.

It worried Morgan how much animals still trusted her. The faun was too scared of the moaning woman six yards ahead to move. Morgan was able to settle down near it, still as death, and when it came over to sniff her out of curiosity, she took its neck and snapped it. The head dangled limp from the body like a toy that had lost all its stuffing. She carried it back to the woman and did not have to wait for her to wriggle and strain against her bonds trying to eat it. Morgan took out a knife and sliced the creature open neatly so she didn’t have to fight. Then she walked away enough yards so the smell of it wouldn’t compel her to steal a starving woman’s meal and licked blood and skin from her hands.

When Rio finally returned, Morgan was perched atop a large cross marker, stained with blood for all that she’d tried to keep herself clean. “Just unwrap everything for her and drop it where she can reach,” she called. “And then, you know, come over here so you don’t get bitten.”

Buying brains from a butcher was perhaps the most uncomfortable Orion had ever been. Despite this incredibly odd request, the butcher didn’t seem to think much of it at all. Which could only mean that this was not an uncommon request that he received. Which probably implied that Morgan and this woman were not the only zombies in town. It hadn’t occurred until now that Morgan could have been the one that turned this woman. But no. His Professor wouldn’t do that. Not unless she had to for some reason. Right?

Rio drove back to Morgan mostly in silence. He hated driving the truck. He didn’t trust himself with a big car. Plus he could barely see while driving the thing and hated ruining Ricky’s seat and mirror placement. But desperate times. Rio parked and hopped out, extending his arm so he could hold the brains at a distance from himself. “I’m here!” Rio yelled out, stopping when he noticed that Morgan had blood all over her shirt. Oh no. “What happened? Are you okay?” Rio asked. Despite this, maybe because he was too trusting just as Athena had always insulted him with, he followed Morgan’s instructions. Unwrapping the brains and tossing it to the tied up woman before hopping away and standing close to his professor. He could smell the blood that stained her. It was fresh.

“It’s okay, Rio,” Morgan said. “What do you think I’m gonna do, die again?” She smirked. A beat later, maybe too late, she wondered if that was maybe a bad joke. Rio knew about the supernatural, but maybe not about death. He hadn’t studied zombies before in his big secret library. He barely seemed comfortable with hauling brains and organs over from the butcher. Morgan sighed with a grimace and tried again. “I killed a faun for her. I didn’t think that was something you needed to be around to see. Brains sustain zombies best, but freshly dead meat is…” Her stomach grumbled, twisting. “Like candy on Halloween. You can’t not have any.” She looked down at him, still clinging to her perch. Her fingers had worn notches into the rock, worrying at the grain to keep from breaking off Bambi’s leg and going to town herself. “It’s just how we’re made,” she said quietly. “When the mother comes back to see if her faun is still around, I’ll try to get her too, if our friend isn’t back to herself yet.” She hesitated a moment, wondering if they had crossed into over sharing territory, if this was already too much for one troubled kid to bear in one night. “You don’t have to watch, or be around for any of that,” she said. “This is just another Tuesday for me, but it was a lot to get used to. It still is. You’ve been a big help, though. If all this turns out okay, it’s gonna be because of you. Because you cared.” She cleared her throat awkwardly. “You uh...you can ask me questions, if you have any. I know all this is...strange. And lived experience can tell you certain things a book can’t.” She offered him a smile, her fear weighing on her softness. Please don’t think less of me for this.

Orion laughed nervously. Was that Morgan being offended? Or Morgan making a joke. A few seconds later and Morgan smirked at Rio, hopefully confirming that it had been a joke instead. “A faun.” Rio repeated, mostly to himself. He was still processing. Rio appreciated the information. He was taking mental notes, making sure to remember all of the information that he was learning about zombies. Maybe he would head back to the building tomorrow, start digging through his books for some information on the undead. The whole thing seemed like Alain’s side, but Rio knew better than to trust a hunter’s point of view when it came to the supernatural. Rio knew from personal experience that those teachings were biased. “I don’t- I usually don’t do that well around blood. But uh- I don’t want to make you do this stuff by yourself.” Morgan opened the board for questions. And boy, did Rio have questions. Way more questions than he possibly knew how to order and ask. “I- I have questions. But right now seems like the wrong time, y’know? With her… in the state she is in.” He sighed. Just another person in this town that has been through some awful experience that Rio wasn’t able to help prevent.

Morgan nodded and watched the woman eat. It might’ve been faster to let her have her hands back, but Morgan remembered the complete haze around her mind when she woke into her feeding frenzy. She hadn’t even known her own name, much less ‘eating people bad.’ If the wrong person had been in the room, she probably would’ve done everything she could to tear them to bits. “Anyone tell you lately what a good kid you are?” She asked. It was a rhetorical question, but she hoped nonetheless that someone was encouraging his generosity. Even if he could probably stand to get less squeamish. In time, the groans of the woman changed. Morgan gestured for Rio to stay back and made her way slowly over.

There was hardly anything left of the faun, but just enough that Morgan couldn’t stop herself from reaching into its ruined skull and scooping out its small black eyes and the thin tissue of its cheek muscle to munch on. She knelt down near the woman, still working the flesh in her mouth. “Hey,” she said, gently as she could with her mouth half full. “Can you talk? Are you good now?” The woman groaned and dashed herself into the red stained grass, angling her mouth for the rest of the faun. “Okay! Not feeling the impulse control. That’s okay! But I’m gonna need like...one intelligible word before you get this carcass.”

“Mmmhh. Aaarr...oh..k-kay.”

Blessed universe she was okay.

Morgan went around and loosened her bonds enough for her to wriggle free and stepped back as she held the faun and the scraps of flesh she hadn’t devoured yet as if they were all the treasure in the world. “You...shouldn’t...have done this,” she panted.

“I don’t see why not, Morgan replied. “What’s your name?”

The woman sucked the last remnants of life from the faun’s ribs and reached for a scattering of brain bits to shove into her mouth. “Ashley,” she said at last. “I didn’t--” She paused to swallow. As she wiped the mess from her chin she caught sight of the blood and mess on her hands, matching Morgan’s and then some. “I didn’t ask for any of this,” she said through gritted teeth. “Not any of this, you idiots.” And then she was sprinting downhill, stumbling and falling over her own feet but never stopping, the dead animal still tucked in her arms. Morgan reached for her, but caught only the edge of her torn hiking vest. It fell right off, like it had been waiting to all along.

“It hurts sometimes, being like this, Rio,” she said, hanging her head as Ashley disappeared from sight. “Even when you have everything you need, it can still hurt.” There wasn’t any point in tracking her down again, not when Rio could get hurt, and he had done so much already. She willed herself to look up and gave him the saddest apologetic smile. “Sorry you got sucked into this. What were you up to before anyway?”

Orion felt the heat burning his cheeks as the blush came on. Good kid. They weren’t unfamiliar words, not anymore. But they still warmed him each time he heard them. He supposed being starved for acceptance and praise did that to a kid. “Uh- I get told that more so recently than ever before. But uh- Thank you.” Whether or not she was expecting an answer, Rio thought it would be rude to just not thank her for the compliment.

Over time, Rio witnessed first hand how the almost primal hunger seemed to die down from the woman. Slowly, her eating became less frantic and more of that of a human that had not eaten in days. Morgan was fearless, strolling right up to her. Though he supposed death probably helped to quell many of the fears that Rio felt right now.

The zombie- Ashley- seemed confused. Scared, even. And despite what the two had done to help her, Ashley took off the moment she was comprehensive and scurried off down the hill, leaving Rio and Morgan by themselves. And all of that fear and anguish that Rio could see in Ashley’s face, must have been similar to what Morgan had been through. Her words were raw, her smile doing nothing to mask the sadness or pain present in her voice. This was her life now. Something she was forced to deal with in order to stay alive. Or re-alive, which wasn’t actually a word but would have to apply for this situation. “You helped her. Even though she couldn’t see it right now… you just protected people from potentially getting hurt. And you protected her from making a terrible mistake. That’s… incredible.” Rio breathed, realizing only now that he had been holding his breath the entire time. “I was just at the old Scribe building, heading home for the night when I heard the noises outside the cemetery.”

“Stars, I hope so,” Morgan sighed. She didn’t feel like she had done much. She had hoped to at least talk to someone else like her for a little longer, to ask what she really needed to get by for longer than a day or two. Who did she have? How had she starved so badly? All she had to go on was one torn up hiking vest and a name. She pushed the thought of Ashley to the back of her mind. Maybe she could put out a call online or ask the ghosts in the cemetery to keep an eye out, just in case she turned up here again or...something. But for now she was as good as lost.

Morgan exhaled. Without the need for air, her body retained most of its tension from the past hour until she worked consciously at it, slumping and rolling her neck and shoulders and arms. “You helped too, Rio. I wouldn’t have been able to manage her by myself. Come on,” she urged gently. She held out an arm, beckoning him close, imagining a one armed hug to calm his nerves. Then she saw the blood on her hands and thought better on it. She let it fall limp at her side and wiped it down on her skirt. “I appreciate that you tried. That counts for something. Let’s get you home, okay?”

#brainful process #wr rio #wr chatzy #wr rio chatzy #wr

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trochantertales · 4 years

Photo

I won’t take up 30 posts with this but rather do it all in one sitting. It’ll be good to evaluate myself properly for the first time in awhile.

1. cw: 129 - haven’t done body measurements in a couple weeks. Will update soon.

2. 5′10″, Yes I’ve always liked being tall.

4. Doing permanent damage to my body.

5. I miss how I felt when I was in the depths of this years ago. I know that sounds crazy. But that time is almost romanticized. I had little real world responsbilities, I was reading and creating things, and in school, and meeting my favorite people, and thin, and working out, and excelling in my sports, and it was all so perfect. I want some of that back. I believe I’d feel more confident for myself and for my boyfriend if I was thinner now too. Elegantly thin. A sharp jawline and sleek collar bones, highlighted from the light leaking in from the window. Like being thin would suddenly make me profoundly interesting too...

6. No

7. No, They are aware of my past with restrictive eating and would be very concerned. They know I’m not eating sugar for health reasons but thats it.

8. Yoga, Spinning, Hiking, and try to run but Im not very good at it. (I aim for daily workouts, but I don’t always get that in. Although I just ordered a spin bike for my home!!!)

9. The only comment I can really recall was pre ED when I was less conscious of my body and my mom kindly pointed out my jeans were too tight because it was squeezing my hips out the top. I know it wasn’t anything critical or negative. She was trying to do me a kindness so I didn’t dress unflatteringly. And I am grateful for that. But more than any negative comments, I always was the skinny friend, and I longed for those comments to continue.

10. Eating out with friends. ED’s are incredibly lonely.

11. I can’t recall the blog or her username, but I can see her profile photo in my mind. She was quite popular on blogger back in the day. Looking for new blogs to follow currently if you have any great suggestions.

12. Nothing for breakfast. Smoothies or 1/2 veggie sandwich or granola bar for lunch. Veggies or small grilled chicken or eggwhite omlette for dinner. 1 small square of dark chocolate to satisfy sweet tooth.

13. Both. My therapist always told me I liked to play both doctor and patient. I like to skirt a fine line, I restrict (currently just minimal daily food, but in the past would fast for a day, or days, or a week, the longest was just over 2 weeks). I was unhealthy but never dipped into a place that was too dangerous. I never wanted to die. I just want to be thin. I also love to work out, so I find a balance between restricting and working out.

14. I think I’d like to be around 115 or 110. When I was down there previously of course I wanted to keep on losing. But I think thats a reasonable goal for myself.

15. Im mostly vegetarian. We only eat meat on occasion. I don’t notice too much of a difference between diets for me. I feel less heavy when I dont eat meat which I prefer. Eating meat is more of a rare indulgence.

16. End of high school. I worked at a cafe, and in the beginning it was a perk to be able to snack on things throughout the day for free. A muffin here, some chicken strips there, a small scoop of ice cream, grilled chicken salad... At some point after eating during the work day, I grabbed a plasic spoon and went on break and tried to purge. (Its not for me). After this, I decided my path would be focused on restricting. I remember going to my high school boyfriends house and telling him so proudly that I had only had a smoothie and a cliff bar the entire day. I was hooked from there.

17. Yes. My therapist was not one who liked the make an official diagnosis. Although she categorized me somewhere along the lines of EDNOS with Anorexia Nervosa tendencies.

18. Certain foods really stand out to me. My friends’ moms fried chicken. My fried tacos. Almost anything sweet. Chips. Perfectly buttered toast. They all represent something to me, but I’m relatively good at distracting myself now. Only rarely do I give in to these temptations.

19. It’s been over a year since I’ve had fast food (as in a drive thru business). The only one I really liked was Taco Bell (and chic fil a but stopped going there years and years ago for political reasons). Ever since I really focused on clean and organic foods, fast food hasn’t appealed to me.

20. A healthy diet of veggies and fruits is always nice and refreshing. A diet program I turn to most often is the ABC diet.

21. Pants (used to be 25, currently a 27/28). Shirt (a S but I prefer M or L for a baggy fit).

22. My lowest weight was around 110-113. I gained while in therapy several days a week and focusing on my passions in life. Things were going really well in my life and my need to control things was redirected into my athletic and creative goals.

23. Media has a large role in motivating me to remain sick. Im not so sure it was a role in me wanting to lose weight. Once I was ill I rewatched Girl Interrupted, Thin, Intervention, Whats Eating You, Super Slim Me, Supersize vs Superskinny, Biggest Loser etc. over and over and over again.

24. I don’t believe anyone who suffers from an ED is For any of this. I think it more accurately describes an individual as “actively-Ana” or “acitvely-Mia.”

25. I’ve only successfully purged once. As I said earlier, it’s not my thing. My friend who struggles more with bulimia suggested I could try using a toothbrush and tickle my tonsils. After a lot of gagging and sweat, I was able to purge a good amount of my meal. But I hated the idea of eroding my esophageal lining. And in the end, restricting was just easier for me. Tidier. More control. More discipline. Reflected my personality more.

26. A different kind of confidence, and a certain mentality that I truly miss in my creative process.

27. If I can avoid it like, avoid going into the kitchen to grab something, then its very easy. It tests me when sitting around a table filled with snacks. So if I can keep my hands occupied with a hydroflask of water, thats what I focus on. And I’m always in my head from the beginning of meal. Who am I wish. What are we eating. What else have I eaten today. What else do I have to eat today. How many calories is the meal. How many calories can I afford to eat. etc etc. And when I have a plan, I stick to it.

28. Yes. I’ve always had a thigh gap growing up and even through my 20s. Only in very late 20s and 30 have I felt the very top of my thighs rub together if I walk a certain way and it makes me feel seriously ill. I miss the days of standing with my feet tightly together, upright, butt tucked (not sticking out like IG influencers for better angles), and still having a gap.

29. Passionate Brilliant people with an unwavering sense of self.

30. Ill continue to update my stats, especially since I did this all in 1 go vs over a month.

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thefeministkoala · 5 years

Text

IRIDESCENT | episode 1

Word Count : 1.653

Warnings: A lot of angst! Some swearing

Spinning. It was the only word that came up to your mind. You looked around to see something, anything at all, but it was a waste of time. Smoke around you twisted in its artistic ways, forming curls in the gloom, illuminated by the old, red dim bar lights. With giggles, swear words slowly making their way to your ears, each drink offered seemed like a better and better idea. At this point you were already too dizzy, your legs were too shaky to hold you but your heart was still aching. You really hoped with every drink you get it would get better, at least you would forget, but appearently it was impossible.

“It’s enough.. This shit is useless…” you said to yourself, thinking about the time and hoping that he’d worry about you. You were trying to get up and go home when you found yourself on the floor, giggling like a lunatic, looking at your bruised, bleeding legs. Seeing blood always made you nauseus but that night, you had much more important stuff to suffer.

“Suffering, suffer. S U F F E R I N G. What a weird word,” you mumbled, giggling. The things you felt when you got the engagement party invitation was more than just suffering. It was a combination of shattered bones, burning flesh, cracked skulls.. It was pure pain. Agony. Misery. You slowly leaned on the wall, pulling your legs to yourself, closing your eyes, hoping it would make your dizziness go away. You realized you were crying when you felt a tear dropped on your bleeding knee.

That’s when you saw your phone was buzzing, you took the phone from the floor and looked at the screen to see who was calling. Joonie. You smiled despite the fact you’re hurting, despite the fact he’s the reason of it all, you couldn’t help yourself. He was the the misery, he was the pain. He was the poison, he was the antidote. He was the darkness, and he was the light.

You shut your eyes closed, your cheeks wet from the tears that ran down, your nose all red, your lips craving the touch of the man you loved. Love? You didn’t know.

You were about to drift off when you felt a touch in between your thighs. You opened your eyes immediately to face a slender man, with a narrow face, a smirk on his mouth, his brown eyes are crossed from all the cheap alcohol he’s been drinking. “Come on babe, let’s go to my place,” he said, with a guttural, low voice.

You immediately hit his hands and tried to get away from him. It could’ve worked if the world wasn’t spinning around you as fast as it could. You tried to hold onto the crooked, metal bar stool while he grabbed your waist from behind and pulled you closer to him. A chin rested on your shoulder, you felt a breath onto your shoulder, filled with alcohol. He slid his bony fingers inside your jeans, you wanted to scream but he had his other hand on your mouth. You felt like there’s no escape but you kept struggling, trying to keep your mind away from the thought of this stranger’s hand in your panties.

When you were almost out of the hope of escaping, you noticed the weight behind you were gone and you could breathe again. You held onto the bar frantically, knocking over couple of shot glasses and a bottle of vodka. You turned around slowly, trying to understand how you escaped, trying to figure out what was going on, and that’s when you saw him.

A tall, wide shouldered, messy black haired stranger, standing in front of you, asking if you were okay. Since you were too shaken to speak, you only nodded your head. Yes. When he got your approval, he turned to the bastard who assaulted you, which he was on the dirty, mahogany hardwood floor holding his bleeding nose, and he kicked him in the gut.

“Fuck. Off,” he said, with a husky, and dauntingly calm voice. “If I ever see you next to her, I’ll shove your head up to your ass.” And that was the last thing you needed to hear before you throw up.

Your stomach was full with alcohol and you’ve seen so much blood for the night so it just happened. You bended over next to the bar, and started throwing up, hoping with all the bad things that coming out of your body, your pain and misery would go away too. You’ve heard footsteps coming to your direction, then someone holding your hair, speaking softly.

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s fine, you’re going to be alright.” It was him. Your saviour. The guy with black hair and broad shoulders. He slowly moved one of his hands back to your neck and your shoulders, massaging it slowly. Weirdly his voice calmed you down, you noticed your shoulders relaxing under his kind touch. When you were done puking, he helped you get up, holding you from your waist tightly. “Are you done?”

You were too weak to speak, to weak to shake your head, so you just closed your eyes firmly, letting him know you were done.

“Alright, good. I’m gonna take you to the bathroom, okay? You have to wash your face.” You weren’t sure you trusted him enough to go somewhere private, but you were too weak to stand, too cold to be alone, and his chest was really warm, you slowly rested your head on his shoulder, and let out a sigh, thank God he took it as a yes because you didn’t have any power to do something physically, and he started walking with you in a gloomy blue lighted corridor with some ripped rock band posters on the black wall.

“Why the fuck did you drink this much?” You’ve heard him mumble, while opening the dark brown old door with a loud creaking sound that make you squint your eyes and let out a loud groan. He smirked at the sound that came out of your mouth, making you sit on the top of the toilet. “You sure you can stay still?”

You really wanted to say yes but deep down you knew you couldn’t stand at all, so you just looked at him, hoping he’d get the hint.

“Fuck. Of course you can’t. Okay, how are we going to do this?” You held your breath, and tried really hard not to giggle. While he was trying to find a way to both wash your face, and make sure you won’t fall, you got a good chance to examine his face.

Was he handsome? Hell yes. He had a square face, a jawline that could literally stab someone, big dark brown eyes, and thin but beautiful lips. When he pouted you saw a dimple. No. Fucking no. Not another dimple. Fuck fuck fuck, you thought and reality hit you hard. He had a dimple. You were immediately back from your little getaway.

You shook your head, trying to get rid of the thoughts of Namjoon’s engagement. You felt your eyes getting filled with tears again, hoping he wouldn’t see them. “I found it, okay, I need you to sit on my lap that’s the only way.”

On his lap?! Hell no! Just when you were about to object, he sat in front of the sink and made you sit on his lap. You closed your eyes, hoping it was the man you loved, imagining him instead of this stranger. You weren’t going to lie, it felt pretty great. When you leaned on his chest, you’ve heard his breathing got a little irregular and he got tense, which made you smile a bit, just the effect you were expecting. You nuzzled your face on his neck and when his perfume hit your nose you woke up from your dream.

It wasn’t Namjoon. It was never going to be him. He had his precious Rose. The pain was back. You took a deep breath, trying to let go of the pain while you exhale.

“Fuck, stay still! I’m going to wash your face now,” he said, pulling you and making you sit up, a hand holding your hair up, the other hand splashing cold water to your face.

“I must admit.. This does feel good..” you said with closed eyes. He held a glass filled with water to your mouth.

“Drink. You are dehydrated.” You didn’t need him to say twice, you drank all of it, craving more. “Do you want more?” You shook your head, and he filled the glass again and helped you drink. “Alright, where is your phone? I am going to call someone to pick you up.”

You thought about it for a couple seconds. “I think I left it in front of the bar…” He sighed loudly. You knew what he was thinking, it was probably gone. Stolen.

“Okay so, do you know anyone’s number? You can’t go home like this.” You only knew one person’s number. It wasn’t your brothers, wasn’t your dad’s and wasn’t your best friends. It was embarrassing.

You took a deep breath and got up from his lap. “Can I borrow your phone, please?” He got up and took his phone from his black, skinny jeans pocket, handing it to you.

“I’ll give you some privacy. I’ll be in the front door if you need me,” he was already started walking to the door when you held his hand. He turned to you with a question in his eyes.

“Don’t go. Please.” He looked at your fingers, and back to your face, you slowly let go of his hand and he leaned on the wall, watching every move you make. You opened the phone, your fingers automaticly pressing the screen without even thinking.

Ringing. Ringing. Ring-

“Yes?” You gulped. “Joonie, hey… it’s me…”

#bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts fake texts #bts imagines #bts x you #bts x reader #bts reactions #bts smau #bts au #bts #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook #kim namjoon x reader #kim namjoon #yoonmin #park jimin x min yoongi

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irntony-blog · 6 years

Text

Little Black Box

@writer-grace I hope I didn’t disappoint!

Hello! this is my first time writing with tony and I hope you’ll enjoy! Please reblog if you did and feedback is ALWAYS grately appreciated.

summary: When Y/n’s mother passed away she left something special for her daughter, and little did she know that it was going to turn her entire world upside down.

Y/n was brilliant. Some would even call her a genius. At the age of seventeen she had accomplished more than most people do in a lifetime. From hacking into NASA’s database at twelve years old with the simple reasoning that she wanted to cover her walls in rocket drawings, or getting accepted into the most prestigious school in the country only to graduate two years early.

Other than being clever, Y/n had other qualities that made her stick out from the crowd. She was calm, collected, and didn’t utter a word without considering the consequences of her actions. She was thoughtful, ingenious and innovative. Her long list of accomplishments had put her name on the map and made her a brilliant resource for many companies, even the army. The many zeros that were added to the paychecks she was offered, would have made a normal person get on their knees and beg for a chance. But she was different, she didn’t care about the money anymore. She wanted a family, wanted to feel loved, and she had made that her next mission.

She was sixteen when her mom passed away. After years of illnesses and treatments that made her turn to dust before her eyes, she had passed away.

Her mother was a runaway, who left her parents house in the 80’s with the man that was going to be her father. Not long after, he had left her. Unaware of the cell that was turning into a human inside of her.

Her mother had raised her on her own, working late shifts to put food on the table for the both of them, and Y/n was only eleven when she got her first job. She loved, and cared about her mother and hated to see her struggling.

She would watch from her room as she cried during the night she thought she was asleep. How she would talk to herself, trying to find a way to make the ends meet. When Y/n’s success started paying the bills instead, there was no talking about quitting. She hated being in the spotlight, on magazine covers or on talk shows, but she did it anyways. She could see the pure happiness that radiated from her mother when she would pick up a newspaper and point to the picture of her daughter. Y/n felt it was her duty, trying to pay back the sacrifices she made for her. And when she passed away, it was like Y/n lost the passion to keep doing what she did.

She didn’t leave much behind when she left, the apartment in the neighborhood with the nosy neighbors, a few gold bracelets with unique patterns on the back and a little black box. It was about the size of her hand and on top someone had glued a fee diamonds to it. Covered in a black velvet, it was soft to the touch. She had avoided opening it, thinking that it was going to be so final. The final realization that he mother was in fact, gone. But now she grabbed the small box and sat down.

She pulled her feet up into the rocking chair where she was sitting, the one her mother used to sit in all day when she was sick. Carefully, she opened the lid her eyes wandered over the insides. There was a note, messily folded together and slightly yellow, signaling that it had been laying there for a while. And a small keychain of a glass heart.

Y/n couldn’t help but furrow her brows, confused to the meaning behind the items. She lifted out the paper and unfolded it. It was a letter, to her. It was dated back to 2014, when her mom first got diagnosed.

“Dear Y/n.

I’m sitting here and watching you work. You are only thirteen years old, yet you have been able to solve equations that even the most educated mathematicians consider a mystery. You look so happy, and so concentrated, and that is all I ever want for you.

Your happiness is all that matters and that is why i’m writing you this letter. To read when i’m gone.

I want to thank you for making my life so meaningful with your existence, and I could never ask for a more perfect daughter. You showed a new side of the world, one where there was no worries about putting food on the table or paying the bills. I am sorry I couldn’t provide you with a better childhood, that you couldn’t be a child for as long as you wanted. Instead you had to grow up so quickly.

Now when you are reading this , i’m gone. I know there is a lot of things going through your mind right now but know that no feelings are less worthy or silly. I hope you’re staying strong, eating enough and getting enough sleep. But now I need you to do something for me.

I need you to find your father”

Her body froze as her eyes went over the sentence over and over again. She didn’t know much about her father, only thing her mother would tell her when she was younger. About how he was a rich businessman who was extremely intelligent, much like herself. She told her about the times they went stargazing and when they went skinny dipping and almost got caught.

She had always wondered what her father would be like. When she was younger she would draw pictures of him, trying to make her own image of him.

Y/n never felt angry against him, or the fact that he left. Many wondered how and why, but it just wasn’t her. She found it useless to carry around anger, an unnecessary weight only making her sink deeper into the ground.

But now her mother, the one who kept her from seeing her father for all these years, wanted her to find him.

She returned her eyes to the paper and read the last part.

“His name is Tony Stark, and he doesn’t know about you. He doesn’t know that I got pregnant so please go easy on him. The two if you are so much alike, that I think you will find great happiness in getting to know him. And that is all I want for you. So please honey, find your father. Get to know him. You need someone and I can’t stand the thought of you being alone.

I love you and I will never stop.

Momma”

A tear was making its way down her cheeks at the words. She felt a slight resistance about finding the man but it was over trumped by her mothers need. So she folded the small note and put it back into the box, and instead grabbed her laptop.

She did what everyone does when they want information about something - she googled. Y/n had only written “to” before his name came up in the suggestions. She raised an eyebrow at it, realizing that her father seemed to be a big deal. Her dark hair fell into her eyes as she scrolled down his Wikipedia page, and she quickly tugged it behind her ear.

Tony Stark was certainly a man with many different sides to him. He had a lot of opinions, and wasn’t afraid to shut down reporters and paparazzis. Tony had a company, Stark Industries, that had started of as a weapon manufacturer that his father started, but after an incident in 2008 the company that seemed to no longer be the case.

He was a part of something called the “Avengers” , and after further investigation she found out that it was a group of extraordinary people, superheroes. She rolled her eyes at the word. There was no such thing as superheroes, people who defy gravity and and the laws of physics. It just wasn’t possible for a human being to stop a car going at 40 miles an hour or turn into a green giant.

Y/n slammed her computer shut and rested her face in her arms, she let out a tired sigh and felt her body aching. Her stomach was screaming for food and she made her way to the kitchen as if she was running on autopilot. Settling on cereal and a sandwich she sat down on the cold kitchen chairs. It sent a shiver down her spine and she pulled the sweatshirt further down her underarms.

It was a lot to take in. Two hours ago she was an orphan, with both parents gone, and now all of a sudden she had a father. Not any father, a billionaire genius who was also a superhero in his free time. It was like something taken out from a book, or a really bad movie.

But she knew that she had to do it, she had to meet him. It was her mother’s dying wish that she would meet her father. And that’s why she booked a flight ticket to New York already to the next day.

The airport was crowded, everywhere there were people either hurrying to their gate, saying goodbye to their lovedones or men in fancy suits talking loudly on the phone. She had a firm grip on the suitcase she was dragging after her, containing all of her most important belongings. Her backpack was filled to the rim with her computer and books to keep her entertained during the five hours she was going to be locked up into a metal box ten thousand feet up in the air.

She went through security, and after having to unpack her entire backpack and receiving some looks from the guards who thought she was taking to long, she was finally boarding the plane that was going to take her to something she never in a million years would have imagined. Her father.

As she got herself comfortable in her first class seat, the suits were boarding. They looked at her with distaste present in their faces, before sitting down in business class. She was used to it, people forming opinions about her without having anything to support it, and had eventually learned to just accept it and move on.

She got her computer out and started writing a little on her paper, but it didn’t take long until her eyelids were too heavy for her to support, and eventually she fell into a deep sleep.

Y/n was woken up by the other passengers grabbing their luggage and she realized that she had been sleeping the entire flight there. She shot out of her seat and did the same, thanking the flight attendants as she got of.

She managed to catch a taxi in the crowded street and she already felt like she didn’t belong here. The big city with the crowded streets and polluted air was nothing for her.

The cab driver stared at her for a second before starting the car and beginning the ride to her destination. The only thing passing her by as she stared out of the window were buildings and there were stores, offices and different companies filing them out. It was magnificent, really, to see. Large buildings standing tall up in the air, and she couldn’t help but admire the complicated structure and advanced architecture of them.

Y/n soon reached her hotel where she quickly took a shower, trying to get rid of the airplane smell that seemed to stick to her entire body.

And only an hour later she stood in front of the Avengers building.

Y/n glanced up and let her eyes wander over the huge creation. It was modernly designed and had a large “A” on the front.

She had managed to sneak in the robust gates that closed the building of from the rest of the world, and until now, it had been smooth sailing.

She took a deep breath and opened the heavy glass doors where she was met by a tall, muscular body guard. He had a plug in his ear and held his hands steadily in front of his body. As he saw her get in he was quick to block her way, holding out a hand to say stop.

“Do you have a meeting booked?” His voice was deep and slightly intimidating. Y/n shook her head lightly.

“No but I really need to speak to Mr. Stark”

The bodyguard rolled his eyes before pointing to the exit.

“No appointments, no entry”

“No you see I rea-“

“Goodbye miss”

She sighed and was just about to speak again as a strong hand wrapped around her upper arm. The bodyguard was dragging her out of the building. She protested and was just about to give up as she saw him.

He was walking with a few people, some she recognized as members of the ‘Avengers’.

“Mr Stark!”

The call shut him and the other people up and he looked confused to where the noise was coming from. The guard tightened his grip on her arm and she winced in pain as he started pushing her out.

“I really need to talk to you!”

Tony Stark excused himself from the group and made his way to her. A nod at the guard made him let go of her arm and she rubbed it gently while shooting an angry look his way.

“What” Tony said, voice monotone. The dark sunglasses he was wearing covered his eyes up and she looked where she thought his eyes were.

“I need to talk to you. It’s important”

Tony sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Look kiddo. If I had a dollar everytime someone said they needed to tell me something ‘important’, I would already have bought the sun”

Y/n grunted in frustration at the cocky man so full of himself.

“Well, this is really important and you might not want to talk about it here” she said and held her hands out, meaning the tens of people roaming around in front if them. Tony looked at her for a second, not being used to people not respecting him and not obeying every word he said. But there was something about this young girl that made him nod slightly and show her to his office. It was on the highest floor, with a beautiful view. The room was big, and painted in a simple white color, giving it a classy look while still being so easily decorated.

Y/n’s eyes wandered over the room before sitting down on the chair in front of his desk.

Tony leaned forward on his elbows, staring at her intensely before grabbing his phone and pulling up a small hologram.

“FRIDAY, who is this young lady?”

Y/n was sitting speechless in her chair, completely in awe of his advanced technology. Suddenly there was a woman's voice speaking from a place she couldn’t put her finger on.

“Y/n Carter, born on January 20th 2001. Y/n is from Arizona where she has lived her entire life. No record about a father but her mother recently passed away”

Tony sent her a pitiful look at the last part before closing his phone and putting in back down on the table in front of him. Y/n ignored his look and kept the serious look on her face. Tony leaned back into his chair, removing his sunglasses and placing them in the front pocket of his black blazer.

“So, Miss Carter, what was the important thing that you just had to talk to me about?”

Y/n cleared her throat and straightened out the fabric of her black shirt showing of the little white logo of the school she attended.

“I’m your daughter”

Tony exhaled deeply before nodding slightly. Not believing her.

“You’re the third one this week. I’ve had my fun with different women through the years, but not that many”

Y/n rolled her eyes as she searched through her bag, only to find the little keyring. She placed it on the desk and Tony’s eyes widened as he gently grabbed it and examined it carefully.

“You gave that to my mother the summer ‘99. You had a picnic next to a waterfall and you ended up getting married in Las Vegas”

Tony’s eyes flickered to the girl and back to the keychain, vague memories of the day coming back to him. The girl still had the cold stone face she had had since she first sat down in the chair across him, giving nothing away about her feelings to the situation.

“My mother’s dying wish was for me to find you. She told me every day how much I reminded her of you and she wanted me to get to know you”

The man traced the lines on the aged accessory before looking up to meet her eyes. He saw her swallow thickly, and he felt his heartbeat raise. Everything she said was true, and he couldn’t help but give the idea of them being related by blood, a quick thought.

Quickly, he grabbed her finger and placed it on a cold metal surface. She let out a surprised gasp but held her hand still.

“FRIDAY, run a DNA test, search for parental match”

“I found two matches. One Mary Carter and the other one is you Mr Stark”

Y/n stared with slight panic in her eyes at her father, meeting his eyes that reflected the same, but ten times worse. He was sitting as frozen in his chair as the panic was growing on his face, he was clearly overwhelmed.

“I- I” he started, but soon closed his mouth again.

Placing his hands over his forehead and resting his elbows on the glass surface, he exhaled deeply.

“Fuck… why- why didn’t she tell me?”

he said after a while, looking up at Y/n with red eyes.

“Honestly?” her voice was stable, taking both herself and her father with great shock.

“I have no idea. And I am so, so, so, mad at her for it. She robbed me of getting to know the other part of my dna and she robbed you of the same. But there is no point in being angry at her anymore. Because she is, you know, dead.”

Tony was surprised over the teenagers calm ways, and somehow that calmed him down too.

They sat in silence for a good half an hour before there was a knock on the door.

“What?” Ton said, voice laced in annoyance.

A blonde, muscular man with broad shoulders opened the door. With him he had a whiteboard on wheels as he rolled into the room. She recognized him as Steve, Steven, something.

Steve, or Steven, eyed her up and down with a frown on his face.

“Bruce had some equations he couldn’t solve so he thought you could give it a shot” he rambled before his eyes returned to Y/n.

“Who is this?”

Tony sent Steve a death stare, and if looks could kill, he would be six feet under.

“Apparently she’s my seventeen year old daughter I didn’t know I had”

Steve’s jaw landed on the floor under him as he was taken back by his sentence.

“Wow”

Y/n nodded slightly.

“Yes, wow”

Her eyes wandered to the whiteboard where said equation was written in a messy handwriting. Without thinking, she got out of her chair and walked closer to it. Feeling the burning stare of the two men, she picked up the marker and quickly solved it. As she turned around, Tony’s jaw had joined Steve’s on the ground, and she saw something sparkle in his dark eyes.

“What did you just do?” He spoke.

Y/n shrugged her shoulders and started writing out the advanced equation, something that a normal seventeen year old should not be able to solve within the blink of an eye.

“Okay, so you see here?” She pointed with the marker.

“This is where it went wrong. He ignored the subtotal of the last parentheses and multiplied it with the wrong one” she scribbled on the board, where the areas of white were slowly covered up with the black marker.

“And that- that is to the power of this one-“

Steve watched the girl work and his eyes went to Tony, who sat as under a spell watching his daughter solve equations not even the Bruce Banner could.

“And that is why the total is wrong with approximately two million three hundred sixty five thousand seven hundred twenty four”

She plopped the lid back onto the marker and admired her work as she sat down in the white chair again.

“So anyways-“

“Where did you learn that?” Tony interrupted.

Y/n shrugged her shoulders.

“I just have it in me. I have been solving equations since I was four. And that was fifth grade mathematics”

“Holy shit, Stark. She’s just like you” Steve muttered.

“Language” Tony mocked, gaining a annoyed grunt from the hundred year old who closed the door behind him with a loud bang.

“Tell me more”

Y/n sucked lightly on her bottom lip as she stared explaining to him how she had proved a professor wrong and gotten thrown out of class, or the way she graduated one of America's toughest schools two years early to the way she made the money in the household and felt like she owe it to her mom. Tony felt the bad conscience sting and he gave her a soft smile.

“You know, I wouldn’t have let you live like that if I, well, knew you existed”

Y/n sent him a little smile back, the first time she had shown any emotion at all since she first arrived.

“I know”

The longer Tony let his eyes rest on the young woman, the more similarities the found between them. Her sharp mind fascinated him, and he would be lying if he said he had not been thinking about what it would be like to have a child. Suddenly he stood up, buttoning up the last button on his blazer.

“There is someone I would like you to meet” he said, looking down at her as he placed the sunglasses over his eyes again.

“If you don’t mind, that is”

#tony stark #stark!reader #marvel imagine #tony stark imagine #stark!daughter #avengers #tony stark x reader

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agent-absinthe · 6 years

Text

Warmth

(Just somethin’ cute that I found in my old WIP’s that I ended up revising and finishing!)

“Fuck!” Absinthe yelped as the car suddenly swerved on the icy road.

Merlin’s knuckles were white against the steering wheel from gripping it and he put the car in park, tapping his glasses to get in contact with Harry.

“Harry, I’m afraid Absinthe and myself will not be able to make it back to HQ, the blizzard is getting too strong.”

It was a freak storm that came out of nowhere and one of the strongest that Scotland had seen since the 1930’s. The two had gone on a bit of a road trip to retrieve a drop done by an informant a few hours from the facility and now it seemed that they were stranded. The wind softly whipping the car side to side.

“Yes, yes hold on let me see where we are. Mhmm, yes my place isn’t too far from here I think we could make it. I’ll let y’know when we arrive safely.”

“Oh, a sleep over, how exciting.” Elise tried to make the best of the situation and felt accomplished when Merlin gave a smile.

“I haven’t been to the house in quite some time, hopefully everything is functioning. I’ll getcha some clothes to sleep in and I know I’ve got some tea there.”

“As long as its warm.”

She was jittery with excitement, she had the biggest crush on the techie. It was the reason she had volunteered to come with him in the first place and now they would have to stay at his personal home? Fantastic. By some miracle of god they had managed to make it the last couple of miles, almost sliding into a ditch twice. It was a small, rustic style cottage that screamed look at how comfy and cute I am! Come stay here! When they finally made it in Elise was surprised to see that the interior had been remodeled as modernized and tech savvy, all except for the obnoxious tartan décor and stone fireplace.

“F-f-fuck it’s cold in here.” Elise was shaking as she piled wood into the fireplace and lit it while Merlin attempted to get the heater working.

“The house may look modern, but don’t let it fool you because it’s old and rickety.” Merlin cursed typing on a wall monitor.

Elise held back the snort of laughter that threatened to bubble out of her mouth.

“Yes, like me.” It was like he had read her mind.

“Honey, I didn’t say that!”

“No, but y’where thinking of it weren’t y’?” He teased.

The home suddenly whirred to life and they could hear the heater kicking up. Absinthe followed him to the kitchen as he put on a kettle, pouring a good fingers worth of scotch into each waiting and chipped mug. The tea and alcohol helped to warm them as they stood huddled in the kitchen and chatting till both had their fill, a shot or two from the bottle included.

“It’ll take some time for the whole house to get warm. Follow me love, let’s get ya some clothes to sleep in.”

Her heart skipped a beat at the pet name and she followed him down the narrow hallway. Unlike Harry’s/Eggsy’s home that was riddled with small collections the walls of the cottage were bare except for a few pieces of art and pictures, the scheme was a mix of modernist slate and fucking green tartan. Merlin’s room was of no surprise with it’s beige comforter and a suspended flatscreen being the only thing gracing the walls. He opened some drawers and pulled out several pairs of sweatpants, socks, and opened the closet door to find a sweatshirt or jumper.

“I’ll take these grey ones and ohhh so many sweaters-”

“Jumpers.” He corrected.

Absinthe let out an over the top sigh at being corrected, but took the dark blue one he handed her with a smile and left to go change in front of the fire place where it would be warm. When she came back in the room Hamish was talking to Harry over the flat screen, the connection fuzzy and slow.

“Ah, glad to see both of you are in one piece, if the storm lets up tomorrow we’ll send someone out. Until then try to stay warm, maybe cuddle a bit?” Harry Hart laughed at his own suggestion and cut the connection.

“I turned the bed warmer on and the blanket is weighted-”

“Wait, wait, wait. You aren’t giving me the master bed are you?”

“Of course, yer my guest, I’ve fallen asleep on that couch loads of times.”

“No! I’m not gonna steal your bed. For fuck sake we’re adults, we can sleep in the same bed without making it a-a-awkward.” Absinthe’s teeth began clacking on the last word as she shivered.

“Y’alright there, lass?”

“Ya, it’s just fucking freezing in here.”

Merlin shifted his weight before sighing and lifting up the blankets, “c’mere then. I’ll stay with you until the house heats up.”

“See? I knew you wanted to cuddle.”

“Huddle,” He corrected, “and y’better get over here before I change my mind.”

Elise didn’t waste any time and crawled into the bed, quickly making herself at home and giggling when Merlin slid in awkwardly. She saved him the embarrassment of trying to figure out how to lay by wiggling into his side, nose pressed into his shoulder, and arms wrapped around his torso.

“Wow.” She mumbled, surprised by how defined his arms felt through the sweatshirt.

“Hmm?”

“You’re just, well a lot more solidly built than I originally thought, especially since you’re so gangly.”

“Excuse me? Gangly?” He turned over to face her.

“Oh come on you know what I mean! Tall and gangly.”

“I let ya come into my bed and y’ insult me in my own home-”

She rolled her eyes and began scooting away, “Oh my god I didn’t mean it in a bad way! I’m sorry!”

He let out a deep laugh and pulled her back to him.

“Oh stop and come here, I’m kidding.” Merlin felt one of her legs curled around his side bringing their bodies impossibly close.

It was making him nervous.

“So, Tequila won’t be upset by this right?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Oh, I just heard- I thought y’two were a thing.”

“No, we had a fling awhile back but we’re too good of friends to take it anywhere serious. Just the occasional fuck if we both need it.”

Another silence that was only interrupted by the howling wind and snow outside followed.

“What about you? I mean you totally don’t have to tell me, I just never hear anything about you around HQ.”

“No. As sad as it sounds I don’t think I remember the last time I had someone in my bed wearing my clothes.”

His breath hit her neck and Absinthe shivered at the deep sound of his voice which prompted him to pull her closer. Close enough to feel the outline of his hardening cock in the sweats he was wearing.

“What? You’re so handsome that’s ridiculous.”

“Handsome, huh?” He chuckled.

“Oh I’m so sorry do compliments make you uneasy?” Elise rolled her eyes.

“Are you sassing me? In my own bed?”

“Aye. M’ sassin’ ye.” Absinthe snapped in an over exaggerated Scottish accent.

Merlin looked like he had never been more insulted in his life, “ye are such a brat.”

“Brat?!”

“Mhmm, a cheeky, little American brat”

“I’m anything but little and I don’t take kindly to taunts from bullying Scots.”

There was no semblance of chill in the bed or room any longer, only the tingle in their bodies that came from getting soaked in cold and then warmed back up quickly. If either had been wearing their glasses they would have fogged from the heat of their mingled breathing, the flirting eased Merlin’s nerves and he let his hand that was spread between her shoulder blades slide down dangerously close to her ass.

“Ye gonna do somethin’ about it then?”

“Mhmm, something...so...awful” Elise angled her face closer to the Quartermaster’s as a distraction, inching her fingers under his jumper to press her still cold hand to his lower abdomen.

Hamish hissed and jerked from the cold sensation, grabbing for Elise’s wrist as she cackled at his response, her laughter dying when she found that one wrist was pinned to her side as the other lay trapped under Merlin. He looked pretty smug about the situation and leaned over her, enjoying the halfhearted struggle she made to free her wrist.

“And jus’ like a Statesman it seems ye didn’t quite think everythin’ through now, did ye? Or maybe this is how y’wanted to end up all along?”

Elise grinned and tipped her hips up slightly to rub against the stiff line in his sweatpants she was aching to get at, “seems like you’re enjoying this just as much as I am, Quartermaster.”

He suddenly flushed with embarrassment and released her mumbling apologies, trying to save a little bit of his dignity. There was a mutual attraction and Merlin would be lying if he said he didn’t slightly hope this was how the night would turn out, but he was beginning to lose his nerve. It had been awhile and he had heard rumors regarding the agent currently under him, that she got around and then acted like it never happened. Hamish did have a nasty habit of developing feelings when it came to sexual interactions, although his rational train of thought was quickly losing track as she held him in place with a leg hooked around his.

“Like I said, we’re both adults here and if you have no interest in me I completely understand. You do seem like the buttoned up, wait till marriage with a skinny blonde kinda guy so I won’t be offended, but I am going to be straight up with you and say that I’ve wanted to be in this position since we first met.”

“Really?” It came out a bit more surprised and breathless than the Kingsman would have liked.

“Mhmm, I’m surprised you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly shy about my signals. But again, I won’t be offended if I’m not your type.”

“Ah, fuck lass I think yer gorgeous. Jus’ as soft as I thought ya would be and even better lookin’ in my clothes than I imagined.” He returned to his previous position on her, resting his forehead on hers and rocking his hips in earnest now.

“Ya?” Absinthe replied in a high voice and finally brought their lips together.

Much like the storm outside- it did not start out soft, but rather immediately went into a ravaging. Teeth clanking together and lips bitten before pausing for Hamish to eagerly push the jumper over her head, he pulled back slightly to get in the full view of her torso- round hips and all. Thumb rubbing over a nipple hardened by the cold and pleasure before his mouth descended on it, flicking his tongue in a way that made her quake.

His hand also made quick work of her sweats so he could get to what he wanted and Elise screeched, “no no no you’re hands are still so- COLD! Cold!”

“But you’re so warm- and so fucking soaked already.” The crudeness was accompanied by his warming fingers gliding over and opening her lips so he could circle her clit.

The foreplay was making Absinthe grow impatient and she took matters into her own hands using her feet to push down Merlin’s pants and wrap a hand around his cock. She had not had the pleasure of seeing it yet, but the weight and swell of it in her palm let her know that he was going to fill her to the brim. He took her wrist again with a shaky grip to stop her rhythm, resting his face in her neck and chuckling.

“Love, if y’keep doin’ that I won’t make it much longer. Ye do have me quite wound up.”

“Fuck me, then.” and softer, “please?”

Hamish found that his hips fit against hers quite nicely and despite being on the edge already he took the time to rub himself against her cunt until a high-pitched whine made him take pity and finally fill her up. His full body lying on hers as he began with slow, deep thrusts like he had all the time in the world.

“Oh, fuck Hamish.” Elise hadn’t been quite ready for how deep he could get nor the lovely feeling of being stretched just enough for satisfaction.

“I know, I know. Fuck, we should’ve done this ages ago- is this alrigh’?”

“God yes, I want more though. I can take your cock, I promise.”

The movement got sharper as he moved to his elbows for leverage and kneed her legs open wider, “aye, I bet I could bend y’over and do with ya as I please and you’d jus’ take it like a good girl.”

This was too much too fast for both of them, but Hamish was determined not to embarrass himself by finishing so quickly and alternated between slow thrusts accompanied with deep kisses and nipple play and the quicker, harder ones that made her keen, his own moans filling the room when she kept constricting around his cock. Elise looked up at him with flushed cheeks and swollen lips- oh he was so fucked.

“Fuck, lass m’sorry but ya feel to fucking good and m’not gonna be able to hold back much longer.”

“Please don’t hold it back, I want you to cum for me.”

Her begging for it was too much and Hamish jerked back, dotting her thighs and his hand with cum, gasps muffled in her hair and neck. Elise held him as he recovered, scratching his back and bringing his hand up to her mouth so she could lick it clean.

“Ye ok?”

“Me? I’m fucking great, a little uh- wet, but great.”

“Let me get ya somethin’ to clean up with. In the mornin we can shower and maybe go another round if yer feelin’ up for it?”

After the required clean up, which to Elise’s surprise included Hamish slipping under the covers and devouring her to orgasm till she begged him to let up, they returned to a cuddling position and drifted off between soft kisses. She wasn’t sure how the Kingsman would act in the morning, half expecting to wake up and find that he was already dressed and waiting for a recovery vehicle trying to ignore her as much as possible- after all it had happened before. That wasn’t the case with Hamish.

“G’morning.” The Scots accent was rougher with sleep and so were his chapped lips as he placed kisses along her shoulder.

“Mmm, good morning.”

“Harry called and said we’ve got a few hours before they’ll send anyone out to get us. Snarky bastard dinnae overlook the clothes we seemed to have thrown about the room, so m’sure there’ll be talk when we get back.”

“Does that upset you? We can always deny it.” It was true, they could, but her stomach dropped at the thought of Hamish not wanting to be associated with her.

“Let em talk. Now how about that shower? I’m dyin’ to see ye properly and from how sweetly you begged last night M’sure you’d be just as happy to see my cock.”

Elise stretched and turned to face him, “Only if you promise I can get on my knees in the shower.”

“Anythin’ for you, love.”

#kingsman #merlin kingsman x reader #kingsman imagine #fanfiction #soft #cuddling #agent absinthe #hamish kingsman #statesman #smut

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justakidwithopinions-blog · 5 years

Text

Preface

First I would like to tell you why I chose this particular movie; This movie is about a mental – turned into a physical- disorder called body dysmorphia and in this special case anorexia. I’m pretty sure you know what these terms mean but since I’m here to review it and dare I say “criticise” it, I’m going to give a summarized explanation.

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others.

Anorexia an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

Now on to why I chose this movie, I have been dealing with BDD for many years now that at this point I don’t even remember when it started, I was a “fat” kid that everyone (parents, family, friends and even strangers) would judge and or make fun of. That made me very much aware of my “ugly” and “abnormal” body and the cherry on top is that when I hit puberty my breasts turned out saggy and there I was left with the judging eyes of my mother –and other close female family relatives- that would point that out every so often that I’m looking forward to getting surgery on them this summer to “fix” them and that means forming into a build-up standard made by the human race. I went on a pretty strict diet when I was 16 and lost 11 kg and since then I’ve been keeping this strange diet where I eat nothing beyond 5 pm (sometimes 7 pm depending on when I eat my dinner) and basically eating less than 1000 calories a day and well as everyone encourages you to do so exercise; by now so many of my friends and relatives say that I don’t or that I refuse to eat anything and that it is unhealthy, which is ironic cause they were the ones that made fun of me and judged me when I was fat and now that I’m considered “skinny” I “Don’t eat anything and torturing myself for nothing and putting too much pressure on myself”, well guess what? I still consider myself fat, I still want to lose at least 5 kg and have an impossible dream to get anorexia. Yes, I do wish I have a deadly disease and this movie clearly shows why not to wish that upon yourself and how you need to live. Not just as in breathing but as in being alive, enjoying the moment, loving, caring and being loved! Which I haven’t felt in a while. That’s the reason I chose it because not only it shows you the good sides of life that everyone dreams of but it also shows the struggles and how hard it is to reach the good sides and that we – I in this case- take so many things for granted.

To The Bone

The movie starts with some people in a group therapy session and a girl saying that how the media presents us with a cake, like it’s a reward then in the next page they show some sad fat girl and some fit girl next to her that says I went on this diet and got fit and the girl continues by complaining about the media saying that it wants to torture us, which I think is a great way to start a movie about anorexia, you see, many people – especially women – are often criticized by the world around them, we have magazines that judge celebrities about how fat they’ve gotten while red circling some tummy rolls on a person who’s at most a size 5; since we live in a society that people make shrines out of celebrities and look so high up to some people, we see those red circles, look into the mirror and say “well I have more tummy rolls, I’m a size 6! People must hate me, people probably don’t like me, I will never be loved…” and it goes on forever, comparing yourself to some sort of standard that the media has created just to sell whatever product they have. The movie then shows the main character Ellen, a young woman in her early 20’s that has black eyeliner all around her eye and is going for an “artistic” and “depressive” look, because it’s quite popular right now and apparently having depression makes you cool. She goes on by saying rude words and then it’s shown that she has been thrown out of yet another group therapy and in-patient. It’s then showed that she’s smoking cigarettes while being welcomed by her father’s house-keeper. This movie brings out so many good points, one of them being smoking; so many youngsters smoke either because they want to fit in with their group of friends or society or it’s because smoking is a sex thing and doing it makes you look “Hotter” and more “attractive” in this movie Ellen smokes to eat less as many anorexic people tend to do. Ellen then proves to her sister at dinner that she has memorized the calories of everything, meaning that she counts every single calorie she consumes and wants to keep in under control, she seems to have a good bond with her sister. Later we’re introduced to a new key character, Ellen’s step-mother, Susan. Susan has a pep talk with Ellen saying that her father is upset at her and Ellen asks why the father himself isn’t present to express that, Susan comes up with excuses and then asks to weigh Ellen, in the process of weighing, Ellen takes off most of her clothing and Susan is scared and worried that she just looks “too thin”, she then takes a picture of Ellen’s body and asks if she thinks she looks beautiful which she responds with no, at this point of the movie I don’t think Ellen says she doesn’t look beautiful because of how thin she is, I think she says that because she’s not thin enough for her own standards, the thing with these types of disorders is that the person becomes a perfectionist and weirdly enough has their own standard of what is perfect and what is not and so she didn’t think she was perfect because she had probably gained weight in the in-patient she was thrown out of. Later it cuts to Ellen’s parents fighting behind the closed doors and the sisters sneaking out of the house. As I mentioned before they seem to have a pretty good relationship, they laugh about how messed up their family is and Ellen says that she’s probably going to be kicked out of her own house (again, which we’ll get to that) or get sent to treatment, which Kelly gives a respond in a way so commonly used by the people close to the diseased person that don’t have a clue what’s actually going on “Okay, so eat.” to which Ellen responds “I eat,” the thing is that Kelly does actually care about Ellen in the most selfless way possible (as we proceed, there’s going to be a family therapy which I think is one of the best and realistic scenes of the movie since it shows how the family can effect on one’s health and how even one person caring can make you accomplish a lot) because when Ellen says “I’ve got it under control, Nothing bad is going to happen.” She says one of the most iconic lines “How many people do you think are down there? Like, two million? I bet a bunch of them who are about to die just said the exact same thing.”

Fast-forwarding to Ellen getting submitted into a new in-patient and it showing that the new doctor is pretty straight forward that he doesn’t want to give anyone “hope” neither he’s interested in patients that don’t want to live anymore. As she gets submitted to the in-patient, the story begins, the story of rising and falling in life while having a mental disorder. We’re introduced to another major role in the movie which is Luke and other patients that are going through what she’s going through in their own special way. What this movie beautifully represents is the variety of how people deal with having a mental disorder and how it may appear on someone, for example, you may think that someone with a disorder that mentally doesn’t allow them to eat anything to be very thin but we can see an obese girl having BDD. A thing that stands to me is that they never once mention the word “anorexia” by its full term, they might call themselves “rexies” from time to time, but no one wants to admit that they have a mental illness or even admit that they are sick. We see a quite unique group of people, someone who’s “tubed” and lives in “pony-land” even though they might be past their 20’s and is afraid of healing because she doesn’t believe that she’s sick and gets nausea thinking about food, A pregnant lady that got knocked-up by a random guy but wants to keep the baby and has a beautiful line (that even Ellen herself points out) “I just want to think about something besides me for once” which what a mental disorder in my opinion (especially in this case) is about “being too obsessed with yourself, that you think the world orbits around you” and my favourite character, Luke. He’s there because he has a “dream” a “goal” he wants to heal and keeps giving people a new perspective that they should too find a goal in life and try to get better for it. He’s optimistic but you can see throughout the movie that he’s just as broken as the others, that he as well wants to lose hope and die, but for the others he’s comfort, sometimes he might be overwhelming to the other patients as he might get too optimistic and cheerful –something that people with mental illnesses either don’t want to see or even be- but at the end, he’s the one that “saves” Eli (as she changes her name, which props to her doctor cause I really think that that was a really good idea, it somehow is a starting step towards a big change in life) although the doctor was really helpful because personally, I like people (especially therapists) to be straight forward, and their conversation

“I just don't see the point.

- There is no point. Or at least, big picture, we don't get to know what it is. Why we live, why Megan lost the baby, why that girl killed herself.

- You're not reassuring me, doctor.

- I can't reassure you. This idea you have that there's a way to be safe...it's childish and cowardly. It stops you from experiencing anything, including anything good.

- You don't think I feel bad enough already? I know I'm messed up... but you're supposed to teach me how not to be.

-You know, how. Stop waiting for life to be easy. Stop hoping for somebody to save you. You don't need another person lying to you. Things don't all add up. But you're resilient. Face some hard facts and you could have an incredible life”

Was a major breaking point. In the movie Eli’s family play a big role in her life as we can see in the family therapy session most of them are self-centered and want to blame one another for Eli’s situation, her mother coming out as gay to her at the age of 13 and getting a divorce from her father and marrying her best friend, her father not being at the picture at all as we don’t even see him once in the movie because he keeps coming up with excuses that he can’t be there for his daughter that has a big negative effect on Eli as she’s always asking whether her father is showing up or not, two step-mums which show their full support, Susan which she now lives with and is really trying so hard to bond with Eli and is knocking on every door to find a cure for her and Olive that seems to be very strict but kind as well, A sister –Kelly- which I’ve already discussed, that shows to be a very caring younger sister. At the end of the movie Eli decides to visit her mother, they have a really heartbreaking scene in the tent that her mother points out that when Eli was born she had postpartum depression and how she couldn’t hold Eli as baby and she’s regretting it so she offers that she should feed her like a baby (a way that a friend recommended) which at first Eli said no to but then when her mother wants to leave quoting that she accepts if Eli doesn’t want to live anymore she cries out her name saying that she wants to be fed and rocked to sleep.

There are three final points that I want to discuss:

1. The rain scene: doctor Beckham scheduled a trip for the whole group to a place that has fake rain. Rain in the popular culture is a symbol of life and that’s why doctor Beckham decided to bring them there, to show them how it feels to be alive. It was so beautifully painted and I think everyone at that specific moment, even Eli who has a very dark view on life felt amazing and wanted to be alive and most importantly stay alive.

2. Eli’s relationship with Luke: as they get know each other better, they tend to be good friends, finding some same interests and having the polar opposite opinions in life really matched them up. We can see that Luke has known Eli for a while now throughout her paintings and artworks on her blog and Eli was his muse until she took the blog down (because someone killed herself because of her works and sent her a letter). Luke finds out what her favourite candy is and gets her that candy forcing her to smell, touch and then take a bite out of it which she refuses and yells at Luke saying that he shouldn’t be too pleased with himself, Luke then takes her on a date as he has earned points (because he has been eating and gaining weight) which at first Eli refuses but then accepts as Luke says they can walk the whole way and she will gain no weight if she eats, the restaurant scene is pretty intimate, showing how good they’re bonding and how Luke is lovingly looking at her and is sad that she chews the food and then spits it out even though she finds it very delicious and is actually hungry. The second swing scene is where they have an immediate rise and fall, first opening up about things like virginity and sex and Luke asking if she was abused sexually when she was younger which she says the “casual groping” as women tend to grow out breasts and the “slurs” which they both ironically discuss how women are just objects for men –which this was one of the good points the movie brought up, how women get cat-called so often that they don’t even view it as sexual harassment anymore and how it’s a problem in society and how it deeply affects women and objectifies them and we need to shine light on it- he says that she needs to be touched by someone who cares about her and kisses her, as the kiss deepens, Luke says that he’s falling in love with her and that was so irrational for her that she breaks them off and says they haven’t known each other enough to fall in love and Luke blames her on that behalf. We don’t see the relationship getting fixed or better as Eli wants to get out of the house Luke says to her that she’s his only hope in life since his dream of being a ballerina is crushed due to the fact that his knee now needs surgery but she just leaves him to get out. At the end as she has the dream (which is my final point of discussion) we see Luke in her dream and how he helps her survive and come back to the house. (I personally hope they get back together!)

3. Eli’s final dream/coma: after her heartbreaking scene with her mother she takes a late-night trip to the desert as she gets tired and lays down, she wakes up in some sort of after-life (as she has been eating poorly the past few days and she has finally achieved her goal of fitting her arm into her fist meaning that she has lost her hope and there isn’t much left of her) she’s looking healthy and is greeted by Luke pointing out a tree, on the next scene she’s sitting both under the tree and on the tree with Luke, sharing an intimate moment with him and looking up at herself feeling discussed with her now full-of-hope self. Luke asks her to look at herself to which she looks down to see herself lying on the ground, naked, dead, to the bone; she finally realises what she has done to herself and what the effects of her death may be and when she wakes up she’s finally happy to be alive and looks joyfully at life. Now she’s ready to heal, finds out who actually cares about her as she tightly hugs her step mum Susan which she found annoying at first (because she actually cared) and now wants to try one last time.

Final thoughts: This movie was directed by Marti Nixon a woman in her early 50’s which was loosely based on her own life experience and wants to shine a light on a mental disorder that is quite popular amongst women. I think it had a really good point-of-view and discussed so many taboo things in society, such as LGBTQ+ rights, mental disorders and toxic family behaviours. I would definitely recommend everyone to watch it and not take things they have in life for granted and how they should review their behaviour towards life and other people –and how deeply one wrong action can change a person’s life entirely- and take better care of themselves and their beloved ones (as we can see that Eli was an effect from a failed relationship of two people who probably didn’t want kids or didn’t know how to raise one and how Eli blames herself for all that mentioning that she’s not viewed as a “person” anymore in her parents’ life but rather as a “problem.”) And not respond with “you just want attention” if someone opens up about a struggle to you.

-Negin Hamesh 10/06/19, a brief review of the movie “To the bone (2017)” directed and written by Marti Nixon.

#to the bone #body dysmorphia #bdd #movie review #film review #marti nixon

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beyainica-blog · 5 years

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Guess who’s in the 230’s?

A bit bittersweet considering I could have been this weight monday. But I will take it and stop beating myself up.

I am literally 9lbs away from the 220’s. 13 days left until valentines day.

My goal is to get to 220 on valentines. I mean I want to be lower but I will take that. I’m 18lbs away with 13 days left. I need to lose 1.4lbs a day for 13 days to get there. I think I can do it.

Lets start with the bad.

Heart?

Even though I only workout 7-14 mins every day I have been STRUGGLING to get through my workouts. Like it takes me an hour at the gym to complete 14 min workouts. I have no idea what it could be. It honestly could be a whole host of things. I had pneumonia last week, even if the virus is gone. I read that you will feel fatigue for weeks after. Also, I’m on a liquid diet, I’m going to be tired anyway. And on phentermine. My heart is literally racing which it didn’t before, just after pneumonia. Like during my workout I can feel my heart beat out my chest. I guess the caffiene doesn’t have a buffer because I don’t eat

I am extremely weak. At work I try my very best to hold it together. But I feel faint. Luckily it hasn’t been so busy so I don’t have too much to do but still. I’m lucky I have my powerade, it gives me a LITTLE energy and there is enough sugar to keep me standing. I honestly think I’m burning too many calories for not eating anything. Like I don’t count the calories I burn at work standing, I only count when I work out. But yes I do burn calories standing everyone does. Idk if I should shorten my workouts on days that I work. It would be pretty dumb of me to drive to the gym for a 4-5 min workout. It’s already stupid of me to drive there for a 7 min workout. But I will do it. Maybe not workout days I’m working. Idk. I’m losing weight rapidly. I don’t want to give up working out because I want to be toned by the end of it. All of this stress I’m putting myself in is taking a toll on my heart so I need to take it easy.

Take little steps to make it better.

1. Take phentermine AFTER my workouts. See if my heart beats less

If that works thats how I’ll do it. I only took phentermine before because it helped my energy. Thats when I was restricting with food not liquid.

To help with energy. HONESTLY. I don’t drink enough. I think I’m cute and dainty when I don’t finish my powerades because I never do. Like not on purpose I just dont feel like it. Powerade is the only source for electrolytes for me. So I HAVE to drink it. Electrolyte imbalance can also affect heart rate. Honestly I don’t drink powerade or enough electrolyte water which I special order and have been since my water fast. My regime should be to drink a litre of electrolyte water and a whole powerade. Thats enough electrolytes I feel. Tommorow, I’m bringing my 50fl ounces Assentia water that I got for .79 cents which is normally $3. I am drinking that entire thing. You know what I can start doing drinking my water in the car. On my way to work start on it. Don’t start at work. Its less stress to finish. Start finishing my water before I even touch my powerade.

I have to bear with the weakness. I’m fine somewhat its not unbearable yet. I feel the most exhausted after work. I feel like because I’m in a public setting my body just knows to keep it together. I hope I don’t faint until I’m in the 180’s at least. I won’t be THAT heavy but still a complete fat ass.

I plan to keep this liquid diet going. If I become overwhelmed the first thing I will stop is exercise. Even though the workouts are short af. Thats the first thing to go. On days I don’t work. If the problem continues I may have to alternate. One day liquid. One day 500 calories + exercise. I want to be skinny but I want to be alive with minimal damage. Eating isnt binging. Binging is ordering 16 tenders and an X large pizza from Papa Johns with chocolate and a litre of coke. I didn’t plan to eat at all during feburary, but you bet your ass I will if I ABSOLUTELY have too. Honestly I feel like it would make the weight loss faster. Eating 500 is higher than what my body is accustomed to now, so my metabolism will get faster. Like I said, only when I feel like I HAVE to I will eat. The worst thing is having to exercise everything off. Thats what I hated the most about restricting. I love on this liquid diet I only have to workout 7-14 mins a day. Imagine. 14 mins of exercise to burn off a powerade. 5 chicken tenders at 108 calories each would take 32 mins. Thats insane. But at least I’ll have the energy for it.

I am addicted to this FAST weightloss though. I woke up at 240lbs honestly. After work I was 238lbs exactly. We love flunctuations.

Sweating

I have always been a sweater. Like this is genetics. Even when I was younger and skinnier I sweat. But as I’ve gotten bigger I notice that I sweat ALOT more. Its so fucking emberrassing. I’m so scared at work. Literally was getting slight vagina sweat. I can’t even think about it. Everyone will think my vagina is diseased. Its just sweat. I wear a waist trainer. 1. To hide my belly. 2. So it can catch my back sweat. It only goes to my back so I have to wear a tank top under neath. I don’t have a good one because I refuse to spend money on it. Maybe I should start wearing my sports bras and tank until I lose a bit of weight. I started wearing a long sleeve to hide my bat arms but I get so over heated its not even funny. Like I start to sweat everywhere. Yeah having three articles of clothes will make anyone sweat. Of course the heater is on in the resturant I work at because its winter. Mix that with running around to tend to guests you have a sweaty bitch. Being fat doesnt help at all. Neither does being gentically proned to sweat. It makes it 10x worse. So I had to take off my longsleeve at work today because I just clocked in and vacuumed and could already feel the sweat accumulate. AND I JUST GOT THERE. I said nah.

But I guess good news my work shirt is a lot bigger on me, hides my bat arms better than before. The only thing I hate is you can still see my stretch marks on my arms. But they have cleared a bit, it use to be deep ridges in my arm but I lost almost 70lbs. When I get to 200lbs I don’t think they will be there anymore. I’m certain by 180lbs they won’t I bet my life.

My work uniform is black so that makes it worse though I’m thank ful. Today I had to shave my vagina and armpits to stop the sweat some what. Only to wear polyester under wear because again. I don’t wear underwear and I refuse to buy them unless they’re a medium or small. Right now large gives me wedgies so maybe I can fit into a M/L idk but I gotta get more under wear don’t have a choice because I can’t work without underwear. You know Idk if its because I had pneumonia, or if its the phentermine, or if its the liquid diet. But weeks before I didnt sweat this much. I went to work frequently without underwear. I wore my long sleeve shirt no problem. Now its a problem. Sweat can also be caused by fighting an infection. Maybe I’m still fighting the pneumonia. The thing about pneumonia is even after the virus is eliminated by antibiotics its still going to kick your ass for a few weeks. Fatigue and cough

Another thing is I move so fast at work by the time I get back to my post I’m sweating its good but, bad at the same time

Weight is still an issue and why I sweat so much so this is just an incentive to lose more weight.

Goals

I see my doctor on the 22nd or 23rd a week after valentines. I hope to be 209 or lower. By then and if I can keep on this diet I think I can. Last time I was there I was 254 (260 on their scale) so 209 will be a PLEASANT suprise and they will be very happy. Thats a 51lb weight loss and thats ALOT of weight. They will literally worship my feet and give me more phentermine they’ll give me anything I want. Though I gotta do blood work so thats like $168 but its okay it has to be done I understand. I made alot this pay period and the only thing I have to pay is, registration, tax, inspection, gym $10, mom and buy more water and powerade. I should have like $200 left. If not I deffo get paid again the 15th of this month. The 2nd of March. (The day after my cheat day) so my cheat day is on a thursday. Good. Maybe I’ll push it to saturday. Or the day I’m off. Definetly want to be out of the 200’s by the end of feburary thats my top goal.

Valentines day

I hope I’m not hyping it for nothing. I hope I get something from someone.

If I lose 2lbs for the next 13 days I’ll be 212lbs on valentines. (Could have been 207)

If I lose 1.5lbs for the next 13 days. I’ll be 218lbs (could have been 213)

If I lose 1lb a day for the next 13 days I’ll be 225lbs (could have been 220 exactly)

I hope I lose at least 1.5lbs a day consistently. So far I been losing 2-3lbs everyday. 3lbs mostly I would love to lose 3lbs a day for 13 days that would be EXCELLENT. That would put me at 199lbs exactly (could have been 194) imagine if that actually happened. I would DIE. I’m 39lbs away from getting out of the 200’s I’m excited. I just hope I’m losing weight for a reason. Honestly lose 1kg a day is reasonable I eat less than 300 calories a day, and I bet you my starting weight was more than this girl whoever she is. If I get to 199lb by valentines. Bitch. I will be 180lb by the end of feburary. Plateau nor metabolism will stop me.

Boss

Lately I noticed that every time I go to work I work with my one manager that likes me. I can tell he likes me because the other manager which is his friend is always around. They giggle and stare at me. He makes the schedule so that I only work with him. Its kind of cute. I like how I make him shy. But sometimes I get flustered. He catches me off guard. He walks REALLY slow towards me its kind of nerve racking. I purposely dont look at him because its emberrassing. He keeps coming up to me but saying ABSOLUTELY nothing. Adorable.

Jeans

I really wanted to wear size 9 jeans, on valentines. But it wasnt because of my binge. I dont think I was going to fit in them anyway until I get to 180’s but its okay.

My size 16 wide are so fucking loose. The day they fall off my body is the day I stop wearing them period. Until then we gon wear it sis.

Belly

Despite the weightloss I don’t think my bell has been affected at all granted. I’ve only lost like 15lbs I just dont see it in my stomach which is my first problem area. I hope by valentines day at, atleast 212lbs it will reduce. Seriously I’m tired of looking at it. When I was in college at 22, I was 213 and my stomach was FLAT. I remember because I weighed myself. So these next 26lbs better be fucking good to me or I’m FIGHTING. A pound of fat in terms of physical is huge. On the scale its nothing. I’m tired of having a pouch in my jeans. I’m tired of looking at it hang. It needs to go. Arms next. At 180lb I better not see a fucking bat wing in sight.

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greekprodigies · 6 years

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Why Shows Like Insatiable Are So Toxic, Despite Their Intentions

As a teenage girl who has only recently grown out of watching Disney Channel, it was safe to say I was intrigued when Netflix released the teaser trailer for their new 12-episode series Insatiable, starring Debbie Ryan, who played the title character of Disney’s Jessie for four seasons. It was a 30-second clip of Debbie Ryan in a hot pink dress, walking down a junk food aisle at a colorful grocery store, smashing everything on the shelves with a sledgehammer. Ryan’s voiceover says, “I’ve heard stories of girls who grew up happy and well-adjusted. This is not that story.” My first thoughts were, based solely on this teaser, that the main character seemed to be the villain, or at least a girl with a grudge. And, based off of this girl’s seemingly bad relationship with food, I also figured it would portray fat shaming in a way that most popular television shows don’t. I was hoping that Netflix would take their power over the teenage demographic and show a perspective that strayed away from the (respectable and still necessary) insecure overweight character still coming to terms with her own body (i.e. Kate from This Is Us or Rachel from My Mad Fat Diary). A perspective that I, an overweight high school senior who has already been through the ringer of despising my fatness, could relate to.

It’s obvious, in retrospect, that I was thinking way too deeply into a vague half-minute teaser video. I had gotten my hopes up. Those hopes were soon diminished when the official trailer was released

The video starts off with Debbie Ryan in a fat suit (I’ll get to why that is so grossly offensive later), introducing herself as Patty and showing her constant struggle as a victim of bullying and fat shaming at her high school. Her classmates (who seem to all be thin) call her “Fatty Patty”, and go so far as to spray paint it on her locker. Irene Choi, who plays Patty’s cruelest offender, is shown shouting “Porky! Butterball!” through a megaphone in the cafeteria, pointing to the main character. Then, after what seems to be a fight over a chocolate bar with a homeless man, Patty is punched in the face. Her voice-over tells us, “Having my jaw wired shut lost me more than just my summer vacation.”

Enter Patty 2.0. She’s the sparkling image of every chubby girl’s dream weight after she watches a show like this and vows to cut off carbs. No stretch marks, no cellulite, nothing that reflects what somebody’s body actually looks like after losing a large amount of weight in such a short period of time. The trailer escalates to a montage style of clips of Patty slapping, punching, and even pouring liquor onto some of her classmates before lighting a match.

It feels like a fantasy that’s trying to be relatable. That’s telling us that every bullied teenager, who’s frontal lobe isn’t developed enough to have a lot of perspective, craves revenge from their tormentors. And it’s easy for this narrative to be confused as a realistic depiction of the experience of being a teenage bullying victim. It’s even in the news, shown in the series of article published about domestic terrorist Nikolas Cruz revealing him being an orphan and being described as an “outcast” in interviews following the Parkland shooting. Sure, Insatiable’s revenge plot is meant to be satirical the same way Dexter (which Lauren Gussis, the writer and executive producer of this show, also worked on) is, but because it’s set in a high school during modern day, Patty (possibly, based on what’s shown in the trailer) killing her classmates hits a softer spot.

In the Teen Vogue article that was released with the trailer, Gussis explains how she “felt it was important to look at [bullying] head on and talk about it.” But it’s hard to look at bullying head-on when its changed so drastically over a span of 20 years. It’s past mean nicknames and cruel but clever comments said as two characters pass in a hallway. And more recently, it’s past cyberbullying. Or, at least, the way adults view cyberbullying based off of tone-deaf shows like Glee and dramatized TV movies like Cyberbully (which stars not one, but two former Disney Channel actresses). I’ve never met a high school student who got called a slut or gay 200 times in the comment section of a Facebook post. And, if I am completely wrong due to the fact that I’ve grown up during the social media transition from Facebook to Instagram and Snapchat, that form of bullying died when the Facebook phenomenon did. It is a subtler conversation than the beautiful cool kids versus the ugly losers.The solution is simple: If you’re going to make a show based off of your experiences of bullying in the 80’s, 90’s or even early 2000’s, make the show take place during those decades. Colliding old stereotypes to a character who exists in 2018 is unrealistic and humiliating.

Intention wise, Insatiable can be easily compared to another controversial Netflix original series, 13 Reasons Why. In the warning videos that are shown before watching, the stars of the show say, “By shedding a light on these difficult topics, we hope our show can help viewers start a conversation. But if you struggling with these issues yourself, this series may not be right for you, or you may want to watch it with a trusted adult,” And this message perfectly conveys a show that’s purpose seems heartfelt but is ultimately clueless. Here we have a television program that is produced by a bunch of 30 year olds, where people in their 20’s play high school students (yes, everyone who plays a teenager in 13RW are actually in their 20’s), pretending to understand what it’s like to be a teenager as if the dynamic between young people and mental illness hasn’t changed immensely in just the past couple of years. Just in five, the use of memes and irony has shifted from simply making fun of something, to helping us cope with the fact that our world is on fire. Everybody is laughing at the jokes about depression because, since the rise of social media and the quantification of how many people like us, we all feel depressed. Suicide, though tragic, has now been boiled down to kids saying they want to kill themselves when they have too much homework. We have an education system that teaches us about the anatomy of sex but never teaches us what questions need to be asked about consent during our sexual experiences. So making a show to start a conversation about depression, suicide, and sexual assault that warns it’s targeted audience (who are constantly surrounded by these topics) that the show might not be right for them is simply irresponsible.

But, if I can counteract what I just said, 13 Reasons Why horrifically also is the only show I’ve seen that has the most correct articulation of modern bullying. That’s not to say that anything else with the show is correct, because it’s not. Perhaps what is so wrong about 13RW is that, because they focus so much on the bullying aspect of high school, it provides a direct correlation between bullying and suicide. Well, that, and the graphic/triggering suicide and sexual assault scenes that were used for shock value. Nevertheless, Hannah Baker doesn’t go home and find a bunch of Instagram DMs of her classmates called her a whore. Any secrets that Hannah’s offenders had regarding what could have led her to kill herself were events that happened IRL. And they were just that: Secrets. Because the bullies were ashamed of what they had done. Even before Hannah committed suicide, Jessica Davis didn’t just go around telling people she slapped her ex-best friend because she thought she had betrayed her.

With Insatiable, it seems like everybody in this fictional high school (except for Patty’s best friend and maybe even a popular girl with a heart of gold) is insanely okay with harassing a girl just because of her appearance. It’s insulting, both as a fat girl and an observer of modern bullying. There isn’t one school in the country where 99% of its students just allow this sort of cruelty. Because we have perspectives and opinions that (surprise!) aren’t always swayed by whatever Instagram model is trending right now. Just because Emma Chamberlain is successful and skinny, doesn’t mean that we’re brainwashed to only make skinny people successful. I’m not saying that there isn’t an institutional privilege that skinny girls have, and have always had when it comes to social acceptance. Because they do. But there’s a gray area where most people stand when it comes to issues as new and contentious as body positivity, and Insatiable is ignoring it. You don’t have to be a body-posi activist to know that making somebody feel like shit because of their weight is wrong. And I hope this show can have a character that, without having any relation to Patty, recognizes that what these bullies are doing is outrageous.

After we recognize that the intention of these shows is ultimately flawed, we can then try to take a step forward and look at the impact. 13 Reasons Why, after being loudly criticized by suicide prevention experts, broke virtually every rule of portraying suicide. And as a result, a study shows that searches such as “how to commit suicide”, “suicide hotline number” and “teen suicide” were elevated after the show’s release. The time period for the search ended on April 18th of that year after NFL player Aaron Hernandez committed suicide, which could have influenced data. And any searches related to the movie Suicide Squad were discounted. Sure, the show had increased suicide awareness, but it also unintentionally increased suicide rationalization. And I fear that Insatiable may be on the same path. Regardless of the revenge plot or the bullying, there is still a skinny actress in a fat suit portraying a fat character who only eats, sits on the couch, and feels bad about herself. Then, after a summer of not being able to eat, returns to high school skinny and composed.

Firstly, the use of a fat suit is sickly but overall not surprising. In a world where blackface and yellowface in Hollywood has only just become unacceptable, fat suits seem more defendable for skinny people who don’t understand that there are a plethora of plus size actors who could have played Fatty Patty just as well (and most likely better) than Debby Ryan with pillows stuffed up her shirt. Perhaps the show could have avoided being so oblivious to its fat-shaming storyline if they had an actual fat person weighing in on it.

Secondly, there is the characterization of fat people as losers who do nothing but eat and watch TV. If there were a time and place for these characters to exist, it is definitely not now, where the call for diversity in Hollywood is louder than ever. Plus, we’ve already seen these people before. And it’s the same plot every time. They are only created to provide a funny prequel to a supposedly more stable version of the character. “Fat Monica” from Friends and “Fat Schmidt” from New Girl show a universe where plus size people can’t be taken seriously until they shed the pounds. When in reality, fat men and women are perfectly capable of being successful in their professional and romantic lives. Ironically enough, another New Girl character comes to mind when I think of plus size characters being accurately portrayed: Emily. She’s Schmidt’s ex-girlfriend from college, who dated him when he was her “Big Guy”. After Schmidt reminisces about losing his virginity to her, she resurfaces into his life as a confident woman who goes on dates and isn’t ashamed of who she is. There even seems to be a layer to her character showing that there had been a time where she was insecure about herself and her body but has overcome them. This is an example of a healthy goal for young girls and boys who are self-conscious of their body. Not Debby Ryan’s character, who only gains confidence after losing an obscene amount of weight.

It may actually be the casting of Debby Ryan that could cause a rise in body dysmorphia in young people from watching this show. Since her face is plastered on every poster, teaser and trailer for the show, Disney Channel fans, and former fans might watch simply because she’s cast as the lead role. It’s certainly what sparked my interest in the show. And since Disney Channel’s demographic has gotten younger and younger, there’s a generation that will watch this show and not see it as fat shaming, but a way to become the person they’ve always wanted to be. Skinny, beautiful and confident while simultaneously making all of their classmates' jaws drop as they walk down the hallway. But Patty doesn’t lose weight healthily, she literally could not eat solid food. Depending on how the show addresses this, it is a possible glorification of anorexia. Just like 13 Reasons Why glorified and romanticized depression. But two wrongs don’t make a right, and anorexia and depression can not make anybody beautifully broken.

To make things clear, I am not telling you to not watch this show. And based off of the 100,000 signatures (and counting) on a petition for the show’s cancellation, none of us may even get to. But speaking as a person who fits into all of these groups, Insatiable gets everything wrong about being a high schooler, a teenage girl, and a fat person.

#insatiable #netflix #debby ryan #op ed #fatphobia #fat shaming #body positive #body posititivity #anorexia #depression #13 reasons why #13rw #suicide

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p101recaps · 7 years

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Broduce 101: Group Missions (Boy in Love)!

We’re now at the close, the group battle that had been hyped to high heavens, the one that clocked in the highest rating this season of Produce 1 had seen (until the next episode, of course), the one that almost crashed all the livestream servers I was on.

BTS’ Boy in Love showdown was here, and everyone was hyped, including the judges. This is most likely the stage that generated the cheers from the audience that Mnet overused throughout the episode, if fanaccounts are to be believed.

This is one of the more recent songs on the list, and takes me back to 2014, when BTS was just beginning to gain their large international fandom. While the group wasn’t even a blimp on the radar, this song had an earworm quality to it that began making the gentlest of waves, creating the momentum that progressed their career. Although the Korean phrase translates to ‘Real Man’ (or more accurately, Stereotypical Manly Mannish Man), this song is pretty much a heterosexual teenage boy anthem, from lyrics to the hyper-agression and the fronting choreography.

Considering the age of the BTS members at the time, it was appropriate - it was catchy, fun to sing and audience friendly: all things that make it a great group mission choice too.

Team 1, led by my boy Ha Sungwoon, call themselves ‘Manly Men Over Flowers’ and had the exact behind the scenes problems I knew they were going to have.

Broduce Centredom Privileges bestowed upon him in the last episode, Lee Daehwi picked, with the smarts of a kid who’s been training since before puberty, all the kids he knows will gain attention. He also proved he is 17 years old by neglecting to think about the fact that a few members will also have to sing, and reminded me again he is a teenage boy by declaring out loud that he wants to make an Avengers equivalent.

I mean, this was never going to help the fact that everyone thinks he’s sneaky, which is proved by consequent netizen comments. The kid is not being received well, probably because he’s no Wink Guy and his aegyo is not very convincing. Poor kid, I felt for him when he asked for support despite his face in his meringue video.

At vocal training with Shin Yumi and Don Mills, he’s feeling the weight of his decision as his teammates forget their lines and squabble in front of the other team. Shin Yumi looks disappointed as Park Jihoon and Bae Jinyoung sing the ending high notes in a weak falsetto. She says it makes no sense, as though they’re not mostly a group of rappers and dancers, and demands Lee Daehwi explains their lack of preparation.

To his credit, he says in an interview voiceover that they’d sidelined the actual singing in favour of rehearsing their dancing. He blames himself, and the fact they relied on the boost their popularity would give their team. The team they picked to battle seems to be doing better vocally than they’d expected, and the kid looks significantly less enthusiastic the rest of the episode.

The team also gets called out by Team 2 for using doubling for the high note that Park Jihoon and Bae Jinyoung struggled with. This, if I remember right, is when a note being sung is made stable by having another singer it in a lower octave. A wise choice considering their use of falsetto, but Baekho points out that it means their performances aren’t parallel, since Kim Yongguk and Lee Gunmin are the only ones singing the notes for their team. They don’t go ahead with doubling for their final performance, but having Daehwi back the note up would have helped.

There are a few shots of them rehearsing, far more than any other team received, in addition to a plug for Wink Guy Park Jihoon, whose swift and unprecedented rise had led to him having little to no screentime in the first two episodes. Mnet rushes to make up for it since he’s also been given the centre for this mission. Jihoon mentions he would feel guilty for beating the other team if they won on the back of popularity, interspersed with more shots of them practicing.

Going in, let me just say that the coaches are overly enthusiastic throughout this battle, with Cheetah showing off all the reactions she learned since her cool impassiveness on Unpretty Rapstar. Having acknowledged this, I’m going to ignore the scripted nonsense they say for the rest of the stages.

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Their performance is alright, even though their FIYAH at the beginning was disarmingly cute. Lee Daehwi and Ha Sungwoon carry most of the chorus and hook. Sungwoon sounds a bit out of breath, which isn’t helped by his high toned voice. Daehwi is wonderfully stable across both broadcast and fancam; he really is a well trained performer. Kim Samuel sounds rushed on fancam, his words stringing together a little at one point, while Lee Euiwoong uses his low tone to emulate a gruffness that doesn’t sound out of place as much as it looks odd with his baby mouse face. He also lifts his shirt to flash his underage nipples and skinny tummy, which Mnet insists on repeating twice, much to my horror.

The high note is pitchy as it begins and sounds unstable but not terrible. I don’t hear much of Jeju pig boy Joo Haknyeon and Sasuke Uchiha cosplayer Bae Jinyoung but what I do is acceptable. Park Jihoon was a phenomenal centre choice; he’s really good at serving strong stage expressions.

They played up their strengths with their performance, their dancing was good, formations largely ignored by the camera for their faces but still rather neat. They even included some flips for show, and played up this weapon in their arsenal successfully. Enjoyable, if not perfect.

Wink Count: 2. Less is more in these things, and one of these winks was Wink Master Park Jihoon so its power is far more impressive. Personally, I’d give all my votes to True Oppa Ha Sungwoon, but such is life.

Team 2 call themselves ‘More Manly Men’, as is obvious with their older looking members as opposed to the flower boys in Team 1. Don Mills admires Baekho’s broad shoulders as he shies away from the positive affirmation of his body.

Sidenote: I wonder why they would ever colour his hair when he looks this good with dark hair and some weight on. It may create a jarring effect among his Nu’est members, but it’s astonishingly attractive.

They impress at their vocal check in, Chun’s Arctic Fox Kim Yongguk and RBW Lee Gunmin are obviously more skilled singers. The team feels more confident about their chances as they rehearse, even short one member and going up against Broduce 101′s issuemakers. There’s an attempt to make it look like there was a level playing field, but let’s not kid ourselves Mnet, not with the live voting system you’ve set up.

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If the world was fair, this would be the superior performance based on vocal strength alone. The fancam audio didn’t need any tuning beyond the perfunctory; at some points I suspected it was studio recorded, it was that stable. I knew Baekho was a good singer going in, but this put Yongguk and Gunmin on my radar too, and Gunmin’s adlibs - which Team 1 had opted out of - were beyond fault to my ear on broadcast and fancam. The rappers were also a lot clearer (Lai Guanlin did okay despite his accent), Sangbin and Lai Guanlin changed up the lyrics to their own without making the inclusion jarring.

The overall dancing was satisfactory; the movements had force and were precise enough although the other team had more proficient dancers. Lee Insoo flashed his own skinny stomach for some reason, Gunmin did a back flip but Baekho was easily the most charismatic member, even without the helpful editing. Even Yuehua’s Justin had a bit of a shim-koong. There were a lot of shots of handsome kid Lai Guanlin but I was also impressed by Kim Yongguk, who I’d never noticed before.

Wink Count: None, but not unexpected considering who they were going up against. I wouldn’t have winked out of sheer defiance.

Team 1 wins 561 to 243, with Wink Guy taking a lion’s share of 180 votes. Team 2 never had a chance.

#p101 #p101 recaps #p101s2 #produce 101 season 2 #produce 101 #produce 101 recaps #broduce 101 #broduce 101 recaps

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