#BECAUSE EVERY OTHER PLACE I’VE BEEN BEATEN OR R**** | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thefloorisbalaclava · 3 years

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hi lovie how r u? I dunno if u r taking requests, but maybe... I was thinking something where Javier starts to get a little bit cold towards y/n cos he saw horrible things that the narcos, pablo sicarios, did to some woman's relative to some other guys, including to Connie's cat and he's scared as hell they do something to y/n but when he realizes she's so sad and down, peña stars to show little acts of love in secrecy, like a note, one flower, a ring, just I don't know some angst and fluffy sorry for this long ass ask. thank you for your good posts ♡

Pairing: Javier Peña x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of violence, flashbacks, trauma, mentions of sex

A/N: My friend and I have been talking about Javi a lot lately so you sent this at the perfect time! Thanks!

[Javier Peña masterlist]

“Are you coming to see me today?” you asked Javier over the phone. He looked around the office then lowered his voice.

“I’ll see what I can do.” He regretted it almost immediately.

“I haven’t seen you in a week, Javi,” you reminded him. It was becoming plainly obvious that he was trying to avoid you or at least distance himself from you. What had you done wrong?

“I’ve been...busy,” he said. It wasn’t exactly a lie but just a few weeks ago, he had made time to see you almost every day.

“Right,” you sighed. You looked at the bags of groceries you bought to make dinner for you and him tonight. “Whatever.”

Javier sighed loudly. “I’ll call you later. I-” You hung up before he could finish whatever it was he was going to say. He slammed the phone down on the receiver and put his head in his hands. “Fuck,” he whispered.

He knew getting involved with you was a bad idea and not because you weren’t good or anything like that. If anything, you were too good. Fucking perfect. You were his safe haven, his softness, his saving grace. And that was the problem. You saved him but what if he couldn’t save you? He had seen what could happen to you. If anyone wanted to hurt him, you’re the first person they would go after and he couldn’t have that. He experienced firsthand with someone he loved and, God, he couldn’t live through that again. So he had to leave you.

Because he loved you.

You stared at him in awe as he stood in front of you and told you this. Then you scoffed and turned away. It was all you could do to stop yourself from slapping him in his stupid, beautiful face.

“To protect me?” you repeated bitterly. “Just say that you don’t wanna be with me and stop using work as an excuse.”

“I’m not here to argue with you,” he said calmly.

“No, you’re only here to break my heart,” you snapped. “Well...you can go.”

“Okay but-”

“No! Just go...please.” You couldn’t look at him mostly because you were so angry but also because you didn’t want him to see the tears in your eyes. “I’m sure there’s a woman out there who will happily welcome you back into her bed.”

“Maybe you’re right,” he said and finally you whipped around to look at him.

“Fuck you, Javier.” You didn’t care if he saw the tears now. “If you’re being cold and indifferent to try and make this easier...fine. It worked. Get out. I never want to see you again.” You stormed away only to grab the pack of cigarettes he left on your table for when he came over. “Don’t forget these.” You threw the pack, hitting him directly in the face.

He scoffed and picked the cigarettes up then turned to the door. He stopped as if he was going to say something but then you heard the door close behind you and he was gone. Only when he was back in his car did he let his emotions show. His eyes filled with tears and he hit the steering wheel over and over again before putting his head against it. He tried lighting a cigarette but his hands shook so badly that it was impossible. Another burst of anger as he threw his lighter somewhere in his car.

He had to do it. Right? He had to. He couldn’t stand having another one of those dreams about finding Helena only for her to change into you when he got close enough.

There were plenty of nights where he would sit outside your place in his car just to make sure you got home okay. He was dreading the day he saw a man following you inside. He also wondered if you got any of the notes and gifts he left for you. This was the safest thing for now.

You sighed and rolled your eyes when you found another note from Javier slipped under your door, another little gift for you on the table, and a bottle of your favorite wine. The first time it happened you could only laugh to yourself when you remembered that he still had a key to your place.

As always, you threw everything in the garbage.

Except for the notes. For some reason you couldn’t part with them. Maybe because they smelled like him--that faint smell of his soap mixed with the smell of his cigarettes. Maybe because when you read them you did so in his voice. That goddamn voice of his and how it could change so quickly. Sometimes it was sweet and welcoming with just enough rasp to give him that air of that bad boy type. Other times it was low and growly which was usually reserved for when he was inside you, talking dirty to you, calling you a bad girl but how you were so good for taking him so well.

You closed your eyes and bit your lip at the thought.

“Enough,” you said quietly, walking over to grab that unopened bottle of wine from the top of the trash.

Some nights you felt like you were being watched when you walked home from work but not in a threatening way. If Javier was watching you he kept himself hidden well because you could never find his car when you stopped to look for it.

You touched the necklace you wore as you turned the corner to your apartment and Javier watched. It made him sit up a bit when he noticed you were wearing it. He waited until he was sure you were settled down--he knew you had to ear dinner, shower, then watch a little television before you really got ready for bed.

Then he called.

“Hello.” You answered on the third ring like you always did. He didn’t know what to say. Hey, I’m sorry I was an idiot? Hey, I’ve been watching you come home every night like some creep? “Hello?” He could hear the slight annoyance in your tone.

“I-It’s me. It’s Javi,” he finally said.

“Oh...”

“Don’t hang up!” He added quickly.

“I want my key back,” you said.

“So you’ve been getting them?” he asked.

“Getting what?” You looked down at the necklace then touched it.

“The gifts I’ve been leaving you.” He looked up at your window and could see your silhouette through the curtains.

“I throw them all away,” you lied.

“I don’t blame you.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I miss you.”

You were quiet for a long time--afraid to speak because you knew what would happen if you did. “I miss you too,” you cried, sniffling quietly. Javier’s heart ached. He wanted nothing more than to run up those stairs and into your arms. But as soon as he closed his eyes he could only see you lying there, beaten and bloody, all because he couldn’t leave you alone.

“I’m gonna hold you again one day,” he said. “I promise. We’re both gonna get the fuck outta here...so far away. No one will be able to find us.” His throat tightened as his own tears threatened to spill over. “Look out the window...”

“What?”

“Just look out the window.” He looked up at your window just in time to see you carefully pull the curtains back slightly. “Hey hermosa.”

“Hey handsome,” you said tearfully.

“No llores,” he said although there was a tear rolling down his cheek now. “Please, don’t cry.”

“Promise me you’ll hold me again, you’ll kiss me again, you’ll make love to me again,” you cried.

“I promise. I swear to you.” He looked up and saw that you put your hand against the window so he put his against the car window. “I love you.”

“I love you too...you asshole.” You laughed through your tears and it made him smile.

“Goodnight,” he said quietly, not wanting to let you go.

“Goodnight, Javi.” You hung up and walked away from the window. It would hurt too much to watch him drive away.

javi taglist: @allthingsnarcos @josepedropascal @oof-dindjarin @xjustmenobodyelse @rach7 @limenlimon @windfallss @findhimfives @the-bird-suit @oldstuffnewstuff @hoodedbirdie @fakenoods @nathan-bateman @helga1031 @triggerhappyflygirl @master-obi-wan-kenboneme @ladybeediva @heythere80sbaby @16boyfriends-and-me @laymegentlytorest @jeeperky @dee-rosemary @stanfordscrush @panda-angela @dindjstarin @simsiddy @deserttastesbitter @lightan117 @terrormonster55 @darnitdraco @dindjarinneedsahug @queenbbarnes @hells-bells-x @elizabeth-von-winken-universe @dodgerandevans @slugbuggie @allmahfeels @nemo-my-name-forevermore @marvelousmermaid @queridopascal

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#javier peña #headcanon #narcos #carstwirs

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kikyan · 3 years

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Stuck With You (Shizuo Ending)

Disclaimer!! I wrote this back in 2018/2019, like literally 2 years after I started writing fanfic so if this sucks yeah. . .that’s why. It’s also not really that inclusive at all so I apologize. This upload is really meant for those who were curious with the fanfic I wrote and I promise I will right a more inclusive fanfiction later on in the future with these characters to make it up!!

“ Oh? It seems he even has the Dollars searching for you!”

PART ONE

“ Izaya, please I apologize for anything that I did that caused you to do this, but I need to get back to Shizuo!”

“ And do what? Apologize for my actions and say everything is fine? You truly are different than other humans (Y/N)! Besides, does Shizu-chan know?”

“ K-know what?”

“You can drop the act. I know who you are (Y/N) or should I sa-?!”

“ Izaya, I won’t ask you again. Please, I apologize for what I said or did but I must return to my fiance.”

“ I can’t do that (Y/N). You thought you had me fool, no you thought you had the whole world fooled, but unlike Shizu-chan, I know the real you. You are far too unique, too precious to be in the hands of that brute, that damned monster!”

“ IZAYAAAAAA! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE AND GIVE ME MY DAMN FIANCE!”

“ Speak of the Devil, he really did arrive, didn’t he? (Y/N) it’s better if you stay, wait no- I want you to see God punish his worthless creation, than have his Goddess forgive him and the cycle continues!”

Grabbing her arm, (Y/N) was dragged to the door where Shizuo lay in waiting/ Shizuo’s eyes lit up with hope as (Y/N) arrived, quickly scanning her to ensure that she was not harmed by Izaya.

“ This is low, even for you Izaya. What the hell do you want anyways?”

“ I want (Y/N) of course! How rude of you to keep her from society, from me! She is too perfect, in fact, she is perfection! I can’t stand you of all people, a damn monster near her!”

“ If I am a monster, what the hell does that make you?”

“ That hurt Shizu-chan, but I’m sure my goddess, (Y/N) would forgive you nonetheless!”

Grabbing a stop sign Shizuo prepared to swing at Izaya before seeing (Y/N) duck down.

‘This is too dangerous for (Y/N)! I have to lead him away. . .’

“ You see (Y/N)! This monster swung at you! I told you, he would only hurt you! Stay with me, my Goddess!”

Taking his knife out, he swung it at Shizuo cutting him horizontally across his chest. As Shizuo remained unfazed he swung the sign hitting Izaya as well sending him flying back inside the apartment complex. As Izaya got up and grabbed the knife and (Y/N), before placing the knife under (Y/N)’s throat causing her to panic slightly.

“ (Y/N)! Izaya you damned bastard! Let her go, that’s low. . .”

“ It’s fine! Besides, my Goddess is so forgiving, I'm sure she will let this slide! In fact, I feel as if instead of the way I initially thought, it was you Shizuo who used (Y/N)!”

Shizuo looked down before clenching his fist and looking at Izaya with a crazed expression.

“ SO WHAT? YOU MESS UP WITH EVERY OTHER PERSON OUT THERE. (Y/N) DOESN’T NEED THAT IN HER LIFE! SHE LOVES ME FOR WHO AND WHAT I AM! SO I AM A MONSTER, SO BE IT! AS LONG AS (Y/N) IS FINE WITH THAT, AS LONG AS SHE ACCEPTS THIS SIDE OF ME, THEN THAT’S ALL I NEED!”

“ So you’re a leech, a filthy parasite-”

“ (Y/N) NOW!”

Izaya was dumbfounded as he turned to see (Y/N) duck down and Izaya was met with Shizuo’s fist. As Izaya grunted in pain, he turned to see (Y/N) looking at him in horror before turning to see Shizuo waltz up with a sturdy bookshelf and smiling at Izaya.

“ So I guess today is the day I squash this damn cockroach! That has been infesting not only the city but our lives!”

As Shizuo began to throw the bookshelf at Izaya he proceeded on hitting him repeatedly with immense force, causing Izaya to cough up blood and other fluids.

“ If you kill me. . . Shizu-chan. . . w-will. . she forgive you. . . ?”

Showing no sign of stopping, Shizuo proceeded to mercilessly hit Izaya while explaining, “ It doesn’t matter if she forgives me anymore. . . because I don’t plan on letting her go either way!”

Letting out the last punch Shizuo looked to admire his work, a beaten and bruised Izaya no longer breathing. As Shizuo turned around he was met with (Y/N) looking in horror at the state Izaya was in before looking back up at Shizuo.

“ WHAT’S WITH THAT EXPRESSION? I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T SCARED OF ME (Y/N)? WAS THAT A LIE? ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME A MONSTER AND LEAVE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELS-!?”

“ No, I won’t. I am sorry Shizuo, I wasn’t able to stop Izaya and you had to get your hands dirty! O-on the bright side. . . well. . . you can start your life violence free now peacefully!”

“ Honestly. . .how did I. . .eVeR gEt StUcK wItH yOu?”

After the whole incident, Shizuo was more protective of (Y/N). He rarely let her be by herself so whenever she would want to go anywhere he would go with her or sometimes even ask Celty to go with her as he feared she would get hurt or taken away from him. Currently, Shizuo is working as (Y/N) was at the park with Celty discussing certain things.

“You’re quite pale. . . is everything alright? Are you feeling okay?”

“ Of course, my pale complexion is because Shizuo didn’t let me leave for a week until after the whole Izaya incident. I do feel a little sick but that’s what I wanted to talk to you about!”

“Sick? That doesn’t sound good. How sick are we talking about? If you need to see someone for it, I’m sure Shinra would be glad to see you.”

“ W-well. . . I wouldn’t say I'm that sick it’s just I wanted to know if these are possible symptoms of. . . well, how about I just explain it! I get these sudden food urges and most of the time I tend to throw up certain foods! I think, well what do you think Celty?”

“Hm. . . You know, Y/N, I think I’ve heard of these exact symptoms before. Is it possible that you’re pregnant?”

“ W-W-WELL U-UM M-MAYBE B-BUT T-THAT WOULD R-REQUIRE FOR ME A-AND S-SHIZUO I-I! WHAT SHOULD I DO CELTY!”

“Well, the first thing you should do is to confirm our suspicions. Then, I think you and Shizuo have a big conversation to have.”

“C-c-could you come with me to the store to buy a test? I... I don’t want to go alone. . .”

“Of course, Y/N. But I think we should walk to a nearby store, I don’t think my motorcycle would be good for the possible baby.”

“ Aww, I wanted to go on your motorcycle. . . okay! So onward this great adventure!”

“U-um Celty, I could be reading this wrong but if it’s pink. . . does that mean. . .”

Celty jumped at (Y/N) as you could see her jumping in glee before taking a picture of the test and rapidly writing on her phone.

“You did read what pink means, right? I may be wrong. . . But it would appear that you’re pregnant! I’m so happy for you two!”

“ W-W-WELL H-HOW SHOULD I T-TELL SHIZUO?”

“Don’t freak out! Let me send the photo to Shinra just to confirm our suspicions. Afterward, we can make a plan for how you’ll tell him.”

“ OKAY, HURRY ASK HIM!”

To: Shinra

From: Celty

*image of the test*

Big Emergency: Is the test positive or negative? It looks like Shizuo and Y/N might be expecting.

To: Love of my life

From: Shinra

Hm. . . well, it seems they are expecting! Tell them I congratulate them! Does Shizuo know?

To: Shinra

From: Celty

Now that we know, how should Y/N approach this with Shizuo?

To: Love of my life

From: Shinra

Leave that to me! Just tell (Y/N) to prepare his favorite meal. I’ll tell Shizuo that he has a surprise at home and to hurry home! I’ll see you soon as I need to help someone right now but take care Celty!

“ So he is going to tell him... .? I hope this goes well! I don’t know what to say or do...Celty want to go shopping with me for ingredients?”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure it will go great. Both of you love each other and will be great parents if you decide to keep it. Now, let’s go shopping!”

Soon leaving the store they headed out to purchase the ingredients needed to make Shizuo’s meal and discussed among themselves how to approach the situation.

Tom looked down at this phone as he smiled in glee before telling Shizuo that there were no more clients and that they should head home.

“ Are you sure? I don’t want to leave (Y/N) alone but if you still need me I could stay longer-!?”

“ You, my friend do not understand, (Y/N) is waiting for you so go home. Besides she has a surprise for you, Shinra told me! Now head home!”

“ A surprise? Well if you say so, Tom. . . see you tomorrow!”

“ Also Shizuo, congrats!”

“ On what?”

“ Just go home and you’ll see!”

As Shizuo was walking home he pondered about this so-called surprise as he noticed that Celty’s bike was parked outside their home. As he went inside he looked to see his favorite meal scattered along with the table as both Celty and (Y/N) were cooking and talking.

“ Oh, Shizuo! Good afternoon! Dinner is almost ready and Shinra is almost here! He said that our close friends should be here today!”

“ That’s cool but what’s this surprise I keep hearing about?”

“ Silly it’s not a surprise if I tell you! Wait till Shinra gets here!”

Soon after Shinra arrived and that’s when they all were in the living room in silence before (Y/N) pulled out the test she had and Celty pulling the message in case of a confirmation.

“ S-shizuo. . . remember what you told me the day before the incident with Izaya... .?”

Blushing slightly he nodded before letting his mind run loose, could she be-?!

“ Well, it seems you might get the chance to be a father and I a mother!”

Holding the test out for Shizuo to see the pink line indicating that (Y/N) was pregnant, he grabbed it before setting it down and jumping to hold his fiance.

“ I won’t let you down, I won’t let us down. I promise I'll change to be the best father I can be, I swear (Y/N)!”

“ Silly, you are already the best person you can be! I’m sure we will be the best of parents!”

Exchanging a kiss, they all laughed and gathered around the dinner table to consume the food made by both (Y/N) and Celty. (Y/N) was with child, Shizuo’s child and he vowed to protect you both no matter the cost. He didn’t care if you looked at him like a monster in the near future because he wasn’t letting you or the child leave him, after all, it was possible for a monster like him to be happy, but he wasn’t going to let this happiness leave and be destroyed. The child was born healthy, it was a boy named Izaya, ironically. Izaya was gifted with many things such as friends for his kind behavior and kind mother. He never had problems and if he did well they would disappear the next day, like his principal when he chose to falsely accuse him of attacking someone using his father as an excuse. Well, let’s just say he isn’t alive anymore. Any friend that double-crossed him would immediately come back and apologize saying how their mother told them that what they did was wrong. It didn’t matter if Shizuo was a monster because he had (Y/N) and his child was the red string that binds them together. Seriously, how did Shizuo get to be so lucky and get stuck with you?

#yandere #yandere durarara #yandere shizuo heiwajima #yandere shizuo heiwajima x reader #yandere shizuo #yandere shizuo x reader #yandere durarara x reader #yandere x reader #yandere x y/n #yandere x darling #yandere x you #yandere headcanons #yandere anime #yandere headcannons #yandere imagines #yandere fanfiction

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lonelyreputation · 3 years

Text

2021 (AU)

A/N: Got a bit wine tipsy & wrote a teeny story! It’s a bit different from what I’ve written before, so I hope you all enjoy!! Would love to hear your thoughts!! Was thinking of making it a little series, so!!! Happy 2021! I hope this year (so far) has been kind to you ! 💥💞

Prompt: One-sided enemies to lovers (kinda) & No dialogue

MASTERLIST | LET’S CHAT 🥂

Warnings: One swear word // WC: 2.6K // Angst & Fluff

He stared at you.

No, he glowered at you.

He couldn’t stand to be in the same room as you anymore. He’s been with you for as long as he could remember; from elementary school, middle school, high school…He was always a shadow in the room whenever you were in it. Always had been. Always will be.

His earliest memories included you scoring the top grades in school, teacher’s favorite student, handed in every assignment early, and you would always be picked first for a team in recess and gym class. He always resented you more for the latter. Ever since his best friend, Brian, picked you first for his kickball team in elementary school and not him…He ripped the title of best friend away from Brian.

Shawn Mendes hated you.

And he was fairly certain that you reciprocated the same feelings of hatred towards him.

In high school, Shawn studied day and night, turning down countless offers to parties because he was determined to receive the valedictorian title. Looking back on it now, five years since the high school became his alma mater, Shawn was still hung up over the fact that you stole his position of the highest education honor in high school.

He had the perfect farewell speech prepared for graduation. It was the perfect blend of a look how far we’ve come since freshman year speech and a see you later speech. Shawn was fairly close to the dean of student’s secretary and they may have tipped him off that he––more than likely––would be the valedictorian. So, his mother already had a copy of the speech framed and hung in the family room, next to his senior portraits, before the school year even ended.

Shawn finished the year with an exceptional GPA of 4.7.

But you…You finished the year with a slightly higher GPA of 4.8.

The feeling Shawn felt in the pit of his stomach was hard to pinpoint when he found out he was not valedictorian. Enraged didn’t feel like a strong enough feeling. Frustrated seemed like an adjective too soft to describe his disappointment. But the one feeling he could trace back as the reason for his clenched fists, locked jaw, and blinding vision of rage was resentment.

He remembers when the school sent out a congratulatory email to the top 10% of the graduating class. He expected to see Shawn Mendes as the name written on the top of the list. But instead, he saw your name on the top line, and his name at #2.

Shawn had even planned for his graduation party to be on the same day that the valedictorian announcement was made. He wanted to celebrate his achievements with his family and friends because he expected to have the title. He stayed up in his room for nearly an hour at his own graduation party to calm down his rage.

Maybe if he pushed himself a little harder, then maybe he would’ve beaten you out for the top spot.

Shawn Mendes detested you.

After all the years he spent with you––all the way from elementary to high school––he finally felt free after he was handed his high school diploma and shook the principal’s hand. He was leaving the small town of Pickering and attending university in Toronto where he would never have to see you again.

But Shawn wasn’t that lucky.

Because during an orientation session, a week before the first day of classes, he saw you walk on campus with your own orientation group. No amount of breathing exercises could calm him down. All he saw was red. And worst of all, you caught his blatant glare and offered him a small wave.

He ignored you, turned his head back to his group, and tried to engage in the ice breaker conversation.

Luckily, he only saw you a handful of times a semester. He had a different major than you; and always let out a sigh of relief when he walked into a general education class and saw you nowhere in attendance. It would’ve been ideal if he didn’t have to spend another four years with you, but he didn’t see you as much as he did in high school.

Until it came to senior year when you two both landed an internship at the same company.

Shawn thought he was in his own personal hell when he saw you in the lobby, on the first day, chatting with the other interns. He didn’t know what he did in a past life to deserve this kind of torture, but he would repent for the rest of his life to make sure it didn’t happen again. Thankfully, he was interning in a different department than you. But word somehow always got back to him about how wonderful every supervisor thought you were.

When he finally received his university diploma, that was the day he felt truly free. He was done with school, done with his internship––Done with you. He drank a little too much in celebration that night. He drank to never having to see you again and drank to celebrate the job offer his internship offered him.

He didn’t have to worry about either you or trying to find a job as a new university graduate.

So when he showed up to the place where he was now an employee––dressed in a new suit––his smile disappeared when he walked out of the elevator and saw you. He tripped over his own two feet, spilling some coffee on his coat.

Shawn, I’d like you to meet the other new hire––I believe you interned with her.

In the lobby of his first job was where he silently apologized to any God he had ever offended. If this was punishment for missing Church for the past seven years, he begged for forgiveness. If this was punishment for getting into a fight during one of his hockey games, he begged for forgiveness. He begged for forgiveness, but he didn't think he’d be pardoned any time soon.

Because in his new office space, at his first real job, he was only three desks away from you.

/ / /

You stared at him.

No, you gazed at him.

You absolutely loved being in the same room as him. You’ve been with him for as long as you could remember, and you wouldn’t want to have it any other way. From elementary school all the way through the wonderful years of high school. You always saw yourself as being academically equally to him. Although admittedly, you thought he was better than you.

A memory with him that was stuck in your mind was one from elementary school; you were nine and it was gym class. Brian had enlightened you that Shawn liked girls who could run fast. And after learning that bit of information, you convinced Brian to pick you first so that way Shawn would notice how fast you could run. So, Brian picked you to be on his team first…Not Shawn.

But after that day, Shawn stopped talking to Brian. And Brian came crying to your nine-year-old self while you were at the arts and crafts table saying that Shawn was ignoring him.

You had a little crush on Shawn Mendes.

But you weren’t all that positive that Shawn reciprocated those same feelings of giddiness you felt whenever you saw him on the playground.

In your eyes, you were one and the same with ambitions. School never came easy to you; so, studying for absolutely every subject was a chore. But you knew how smart he was, and you wanted him to think you were smart too. Along with studying, you buttered up to the teachers so that they would give you the benefit of the doubt and round that A grade––that was nearly an A+––to be an A+.

You knew he used similar tactics, but he wasn’t as obvious as you.

While you made studying a priority in high school, one of your friends mentioned that Shawn liked outgoing girls. So, you turned down some study sessions, and went out on either Friday or Saturday nights––sometimes both––in hopes you could strike up a conversation with Shawn. But you rarely saw him at the parties you attended.

And even five years after you graduated highschool, you were still hung up about not spotting him at more parties.

You had all the right words to say if you ever bumped into Shawn at a party. You had it all prepared, and even went as far as practicing in front of a mirror more times than necessary. Stored away in your mind was an endless list of topics you could talk to him about. You knew he played hockey, so you made a note to ask him about his games. And you were tipped off by a friend that Shawn liked when people complimented his ability to play guitar.

Granted, you had never heard him play guitar, but you were still prepared to praise him. You would’ve felt proud of yourself for stepping out of your comfort zone to talk to the boy who made you shiver with a pleasant bundle of nerves.

Shawn was a smart person. If you remembered correctly, he was the smartest person in school. You always admired his ability to keep up with his course load, play hockey, and balance out a well-planned social life. A little bird flying around the halls whispered that Shawn found smart and well-driven girls attractive. So you worked harder than you ever had in your life to miraculously pull your grades up higher.

You finished with a well deserved 4.8 GPA.

Shawn finished with an admirable GPA of 4.7.

Ecstatic didn’t feel like the proper word to describe how happy you were. Relief seemed like an adjective that was fairly representative of how gratifying it was to read that email. But one feeling you could trace back as the reason for your blinding smile, infectious high-spirited mood, and rose colored vision was how proud you felt.

Because the information in that email confirmed that you and Shawn were academic equals. And you knew how much he valued education.

You spent nearly an hour in your room––at your own graduation party––to write in your journal about how amazed you were with Shawn’s intelligence. Tucked away in a shoe box, your high school journal was still under your childhood bed with that entry.

You were in love with Shawn Mendes.

After your years in school together came to a bittersweet end, you felt slightly deflated when you received your high school diploma. It was your final parting place with him. You didn’t know what his plans were after high school––Always too nervous to make small talk with him. You were leaving the small town of Pickering and facing your fears of living in a big city and attending university in Toronto. You thought you would never see him again.

But you were lucky.

Because during orientation week, you were walking back from coffee with some new friends, when you saw him. You felt your breath get caught in your throat when you saw him sitting on the lawn with his orientation group. All you saw was a familiar rose color when you caught his stare. With a deep breath, and a little pep talk in your head, you offered him a small wave.

Instead of waving back at a familiar face, he turned his head back to his orientation group. You felt a little sad, but you brushed it off thinking he didn’t see you. One of your friends saw you wave at him, and they excitedly took hold of your wrist, and whispered; is that him?

Unfortunately, you only saw him a few times a semester. You figured he had a different major than you; but you always held your breath in anticipation when you walked into a general education class. But when the professor started class, and he didn’t rush in late through the doors, you always let out a disappointed sigh.

You accepted the fact that you and Shawn were no more than people who had grown up in the same town and went to school together. The past was in the past, and you were trying to move on as you filled out multiple internship applications.

Until it came to your senior year when you two both landed an internship at the same company.

You thought you were in your personal paradise when you saw him walk into the lobby, on the first day, that you stopped talking with the other interns. You didn’t know what you did in a past life to deserve this positive karma, but you would keep up whatever good deeds you were doing. Unfortunately, he was interning in a different department than you.

But even as you worked in a different area of the office, you always heard words of praise about him from multiple supervisors. And you always reiterated how diligent of a worker he had been since high school. You even tried your best to try and go on a coffee run with him, just to see him for a little bit, but those plans were never successful.

You dreaded the day when it came to receive your university diploma; that would be the actual day where your thin ties with Shawn would be officially cut. And then you would have to wait for either high school or university reunions just to get a glimpse of him. You were done with school, done with your internship––Done with him.

You had a quiet celebration with your family, opting to go out to a nice dinner instead of having a blow out party. You only drank a little champagne to celebrate the night. You sipped to all of your academic accomplishments, sipped to celebrate the job your internship offered you, and sipped in sadness as regret filled your body.

Because even after having four more additional years of school and an internship with him, you were still too nervous to talk to him.

But when you were in the lobby talking with the head of Human Resources, the ding of the elevator caused you to turn your head. You didn’t think the smile on your face could shine any brighter. You thought he looked really nice in the suit he was wearing, and he seemed just as surprised to see you when he stepped out of the elevator. He tripped over his own two feet, some coffee spilling over the lid.

Shawn, I’d like you to meet the other new hire––I believe you interned with her.

Not only had you interred with him before; you also grew up a few streets away from him, went to elementary school, middle school, high school, and university together.

In the lobby of your first real job was where you silently thanked any God up in the sky that answered your prayers.

If this was a reward for all of the nights you spent crying over sophomore year biology, you thanked your lucky stars. If this was a reward for the one time you went to one of his hockey games, and got a bag of ice for the athletic trainer when Shawn got hurt, you thanked your lucky stars. You thanked your lucky stars because you didn’t think you would be given a third chance to see Shawn any time soon.

Because in your new office, at your first real job, you were only three desks away from him.

tag list (add / remove yourself!): @adelaidestreets, @alilovesshawn, @alina--jpeg, @fallinallincurls, @lights-on-mendes, @mendesficsxbombay, @particularnarry, @shawnmendez, @shawnsreputation, @turtoix, @badreputatiom, @5-seconds-of-mendes, @pupsandpucks @musicalkeys, @madatmendes @im-salt-but-not-salty @sunkisseddreamer @determined-overthinker @fortheloveoftheaussies, @illuminatepotter , @par_r, @perfectlywrongsm @lovelysunset1 @samaratheweirdo @sarcasticallywitty15 @repostcentral

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saffronwritings · 3 years

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C L U M S Y | S H I N S O U - P.2

S H I N S O U | P A R T T W O

[Part One]

C L U M Y M A S T E R L I S T

Word Count: 3.7k

A/N: As of 4/22/21 I have updated the first part of this series for Shinsou, I made some adjustments as I noticed some bigger plot holes. Please go give that a read if you read the first part already before.

Shinsou had severely underestimated how hard Aizawa was going to be training him. Everyday it seemed like his body found new places to hurt and joints he didn’t know existed ached. After being pinned to the training mat once again, Shinsou let out a defeated sigh. “Get up.” Aizawa commanded him after releasing the hold he had on him, moving away from the defeated student. “You are never going to get better if you don’t train yourself at your fullest potential.” Aizawa spat at him harshly. “You won’t be able to protect citizens, colleagues, or even your loved ones if you just take the brunt force and never get back up.”

Shinsou laid there a moment more, thinking over his words. Shinsou didn’t really have friends, all besides that annoying blonde buzzing idiot in class 1A. They were mere acquaintances and Shinsou barely paid him any mind, however, the boy was surely convinced he was friends with Shinsou. That, and Shinsou didn’t really mind his presence all that much. After the sports festival, it seemed that Kaminari was determined to befriend Shinsou. Sitting with him during lunch period, finding him and bothering him while walking back to Heights Alliance after school. Eventually Shinsou caved and gave the energetic boy his number and he practically texted him every day. Being stupid memes or asking for help when mid-terms had come around.

When it came to family, he didn’t really rely on much from his deadbeat father and his emotionally distant mother. Even though he wanted nothing more to become a hero, did he even have the drive to save people he didn’t care about? That’s when his one and only motivator popped into his head. You. Through every hardship, every bully that had taunted him for his quirk, when he was put into the general studies class, even when he lost at the sports festival. You had always been there for him, and he would be damned to let you down.

Aizawa felt the shift in energy when Shinsou had risen from the matt. The boy looked beaten to hell and probably felt even worse. However, he got in the stance that Aizawa had taught him and readied himself for impact. “Are you sure you want to continue?” Aizawa asked with squinted eyes. It had only been a week, but Aizawa could tell the boy was getting worn down. He was not used to this kind of training, being a part of the general studies course. The boy had been done wrong when he had not been put in either Hero course, however, with his lack of drive up until recently, the boy had not put in any extra training himself.

“I’m more than sure.” He rasped out, his breathing uneasy but for once, his eyes filled with determination. “Let’s continue then.”

. . .

Aizawa had been summoned to this staff meeting by principal Nezu, along with a few of the other teachers that made up the staff of UA. He had sat himself next to Present Mic, even though he knew the repercussions of potentially sitting next to him. “How’s it hanging, Eraser Head?” The loud blonde shouted, gaining the attention of the rest of the faculty in the room. “Shut up, Mic.” He answered, rubbing his temples from the oncoming headache he felt building. Though, he really picked the only seat that wouldn’t drive him absolutely mad. There was an empty seat next to Midnight, and one next to Almight. He had to choose his battle of whether to be annoyed by Almight or Mic and the choice was easy.

Finally after what felt like a dragging twenty minutes, Principal Nezu had entered the room and the staff had quieted down. “Good afternoon, I am glad that all of you have joined me today. This meeting is about the potential moving of students from their current classes to either one of the hero courses.” Nezu stated, making Aizawa sigh in defeat. Great, another student for him to have to look after potentially. Didn’t he have to deal with enough with the troublesome class he already had? From villain attacks, to one of his students being kidnapped, it felt like Aizawa could not catch a break.

If he were lucky enough, the students would be advised to join Sekijiro’s class and leave Aizawa to just tend to the students he had. “However, as we know, most of the general studies students usually don’t get the hero training they need. So we need volunteers to mentor these select students and if their training proves their abilities to join one of the hero courses, we will place them in either class.” Nezu continued. There was no way that Aizawa was going to take on a mentor. He was already swamped with teaching his own class, having to watch over 1-A’s dorms over in Heights Alliance. Just the thought of taking on more work made Aizawa yawn.

Thankfully, throughout the slideshow that was presented on a projector, most of the students were taken on by other staff members. None had really caught Aizawa’s attention or really stood out to him. That is, until Shinsou Hitoshi had appeared on the screen. “The boy with the brain-washing quirk?” He overheard the other teachers whispering. He remembered him going against Midoriya in the sport festival and how much he had improved after. He trained minimally with his other classmates in the general studies class. Aizawa had kept his eye out for the boy. Not just from seeing him fight his own students in the sports festival, but also because if he was right, this was the boy that his own daughter was dating.

Aizawa quickly took out his phone and scrolled through him and his daughter’s messages. After scrolling through their many messages, he found the picture he was looking for. A picture of her and the boy sitting together in a grassy field, her smiling and him with a blank expression and a peace sign. He looked back and forth from the picture and the one on the overhead projector. That was definitely the boy that was seeing his dear daughter. Aizawa didn’t hear a word that Nezu was saying about the student. However, when Nezu asked if there were any available teachers willing to train the boy, the room was quiet.

That was, until Aizawa pushed his chair out with a dejected sigh and stood up with his hand raised. This made the other teachers stop talking and turn towards him. “I’ll take him on.” Aizawa said in a very even monotone. This was definitely a conflict of interest and if Nezu ever found out, then he would definitely be in a lot of trouble. However, if there was going to be anyone to train the boy who was seeing his daughter, it was going to be him. Making sure he was strong enough to always defend her.

“Are you sure, Mr. Aizawa? I know you are already preoccupied with your teachings of class 1A and watching over their dorms.” Nezu asked with an eyebrow quirked at him. “I’ve seen his potential. He needs a strict teacher to help him really use his quirk to its best extent. Plus, I could use a good mentoring session after having to deal with all the brats in 1-A.” Aizawa yawned, before sitting back down. Principal Nezu nodded his head in agreement. “Alright then! Mr. Aizawa will be mentoring young Shinsou Hitoshi. We have one more student left I’d like the remaining staff to take into consideration.” Nezu continued on.

Although, he knew that the staff room was still in shock that Aizawa had taken on a mentoring position. It had been a long time since Aizawa had taken on a mentor if he had at all. He couldn’t remember if he had. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Shouta Aizawa?” Present Mic whispered to him. “What are you babbling on about?” Aizawa asked in an annoyed tone. “I don’t think you have ever taken on a mentor. You always deny taking on any student since you see it as a waste of time.” Hizashi pushed, raising his eyebrow at the tired Aizawa. “Maybe it’s time to shake things up.” Aizawa said with a tone of sarcasm in his voice.

Except he was anything but joking. Hizashi wasn’t as dumb as he let on, and he knew Aizawa better than anyone in the room. He would later confront the tired teacher about the risks of taking on Shinsou as his mentor. However, Aizawa already knew these repercussions and even though his decision was hasty, he was set on his decision. The easiest part about hiding the fact that he was mentoring his daughter’s boyfriend, was the fact that he and his daughter did not share the same last name.

That and his daughter seemed to avoid telling people about him. It didn’t hurt him, he almost preferred it to be that way. Being a well-known Pro-Hero he always worried about the safety of his daughter. He was afraid of people using her to get close enough to hurt not only her, but him as well. He never wanted his fame to sway his daughter’s friendships or future relationships. He had joked about meeting this boyfriend of hers but at the same time, he was glad that she was taking her time with it.

Hizashi had once again warned Shota about how it could not only interfere with his teaching, but his relationship with his daughter. He knew his daughter would understand if he told her he was only training him to make him stronger for her. To have him be able to protect her in a way that Aizawa couldn’t. If it had ever become a subject of debate for them later, he would explain himself to her. He knew his relationship with his daughter was strong. However, he too worried that maybe this would eventually affect his relationship with her.

…

It had been a few weeks since the last time you had seen Hitoshi in person. You were happily cheering for him on the sidelines, but you were also missing him. The both of you knew that this wasn’t going to be an easy process for either of you. It felt like the relationship was growing very one sided to you, with the very little interaction he was giving you. The few texts that you received from the tired boy were good morning and good night texts, and occasionally asking you how school was going. You also didn’t want to be overly clingy and blow his phone up when you knew he was working hard. He had offhandedly mentioned how his training had been very intense and that he felt pain in joints he didn’t know existed.

You always encouraged him to take baths to help ease the pain he was feeling, or to make sure he was stretching properly. He made sure to let you know that he was doing everything properly, it was just a lot more work than he was used to. “I have a complete disadvantage of being so behind on both hero courses. My teacher is doing his best to make sure I’m prepared for when I get tested to potentially join one of the hero classes. It’s just tiring is all, but I promise you, I’m doing my best for both of us.” He had told you during one of your now rare video calls after his training.

Shinsou had known that he wasn’t being very active in chatting with you, and it tore him up inside, but he had to keep his focus on what he wanted. He wanted nothing more than to become a hero. The two of you had scheduled to see each other after school when you were both free. You sat patiently at the park you two had always met at. Swinging your feet anxiously on the bench, almost bouncing in excitement to see Hitoshi. You checked your phone for the time, noting that it was 3:15 p.m. and that you had been a bit early.

[3:15 p.m.] y/n: Hey Toshi! I’m in our usual meeting spot! I can’t wait to see you today :)

You quickly shot him the text, smiling like a dork to yourself. However, when a half an hour had passed and you hadn’t even heard from Hitoshi, you began to worry. A frown settled itself onto your face as you pulled up his contact information. You hit the call button and you were quickly sent to voicemail. You left a quick voicemail, saying you were just worried since he hadn’t texted you. You also decided to shoot him a text.

[3:45 p.m.] y/n: is everything okay?

You felt anxious with him leaving you by yourself at the park like this. He had always made sure to go straight from the UA campus to the park nearby to meet you. He hated leaving you by yourself with so much villainous activities going on as of lately, especially with the league of villains.

[4:05 p.m.] y/n: Toshi?

[4:30 p.m.] y/n: I’m heading to the train station, I don’t want to get stuck out in the dark.

You stared at your phone in disbelief that your boyfriend had stood you up as you tried one more time to reach Hitoshi, but once again you were sent to his voicemail. You didn’t bother leaving a voicemail this time and headed towards the train station. On the ride home from the park you couldn’t help but let a few tears escape, because you were extremely disappointed that even though the two of you had made plans, he had wound up standing you up.

When you arrived home, you went straight up to your room, not saying anything to your mother. You flopped on the bed and let the tears you were holding in out. This was a lot harder than you had originally anticipated, but you never thought he would ever stand you up. You sobbed into your pillow, feeling the hurt in your chest from being so let down by the boy you loved. Even though you know he would never do it on purpose, it didn’t make the sting hurt less.

You had fallen asleep shortly after letting your emotions out, skipping out on dinner. You were woken up by the sound of your phone vibrating loudly. Snapping out of your sleep-like state, you had hoped that it was Hitoshi, but a frown spread across your lips when you saw it was your dad. Sighing, you sat up and declined the call.

[9:03 p.m.] Y/N: sorry dad, i’m not feeling good. I'll video call you tomorrow after school?

[9:05 p.m.] Dad: hey kiddo, just checking in on you. I will call you when I’m done with my meeting after school, sound good?

[9:07 p.m.] Y/N: sure thing :) love you!

[9:10 p.m.] Dad: love you too kid

You flopped back onto your bed with a sigh, feeling more tired than usual. You had assumed it had been from you crying earlier. However, before you could lull yourself back to sleep, you felt your phone vibrating again.

[Incoming call: Hitoshi Shinsou]

You quickly hit the accept button and held the phone up to your ear. “Are you not in the mood to video chat?” Was the first thing out of Hitoshi’s mouth when you answered the phone. “I could do better without the attitude, Hitoshi.” You snapped back at him, anger forming in your chest. “I was calling to say goodnight, but if you’re going to yell at me then I guess I’ll just hang up.” His reply left you in shock. “What on earth is going on with you, ‘Toshi? First you completely blow me off today, you didn’t answer my calls or text messages, but when you call, it’s all attitude?” You finally snap, letting all the bottled up emotions you had been feeling today go.

“I got held up with my training-” Hitoshi started to say before you cut him off with a scoff. “Why am I not surprised.” You bitterly stated, trying to not let yourself cry again. You had been blatantly ignored for almost a whole month because of his training. “I’m trying my best here, Y/N.” He had said with what sounded like a frustrated tone. “Are you really? Because to me it feels completely one sided. I want to support you Hitoshi, and I’m trying so hard to keep it together!” You yelled, but before you could even continue he cut you off. “This doesn’t sound like you supporting me!” He yelled back. “You don’t know what it’s like to be pushed to your absolute limits day in and day out!”

“I get that this is hard for you Hitoshi-” “No! You obviously don’t. I had a feeling this was going to happen and that you weren’t going to support me the whole way through. I need to do this, and if I have to do it alone, then so be it.” Shinsou had snapped, making you freeze in your thoughts. “You don’t mean that.” You whispered, letting the tears fall down your face. “I can’t be hung up on making you happy when I have goals to achieve. We’re done.” Were the last words you heard him speak before he hung up on you. You sat there, completely and utterly in shock with what happened. You clenched your chest, feeling as if someone was ripping your heart out.

[9:15 p.m.] Y/N: You are such a selfish jerk, Shinsou.

[9:18 p.m.] Toshi: The destination number you are trying to reach is blocked from receiving this message. ## Error - 30004

…

Aizawa was already on high alert when you hadn’t answered his call the night before. You had always made time to chat with him, even on your worst days. For you to claim that you weren’t feeling good was an obvious lie that was making him feel on edge. His students could feel the difference in his attitude, as he was being much more stingy and strict than usual. His advice and criticism for his students was more harsh and louder. He tried to not let his personal life affect his work life, however, there was something that was bothering him about the whole situation.

He had managed to trudge through the whole day, but was determined to call you before he went to train with Shinsou. He dismissed his students and they left the classroom rather quickly, making comments on their teacher’s odd behavior today. Aizawa had pinched the bridge of his nose and took in a few deep breaths before reaching for his cellphone. He had looked to see he had a missed call from you and immediately dialed your number back.

“Hey kiddo, everything alright?” Aizawa asked as soon as you picked up the phone. “No.” You croaked out and immediately, Aizawa was on the defense. “Do I need to come pick you up from school?” He asked, ready to beat up any kid who had made you upset. “No. I’m just going through a lot of emotions today.” You told him, sniffling on your end of the phone. “Do you think we can do something together this weekend, if you aren’t working?” You asked sadly and he wanted nothing more than to drop everything he was doing to come to your aid.

However, he knew if he had abandoned his post at the Heights Alliance dorms he would never hear the end of it from Nezu. “Of course, we can go see a movie if you’d like.” He offered to you, and even though he couldn’t see you, he knew you were nodding. “What’s going on kid, talk to me.” He tried to push you into telling him what was wrong. “You don’t have to, I just want you to know I’m here for you.” He continued, trying to make you feel more comfortable.

Before you had responded to his question, Hizashi had opened his classroom door and was quickly met with a glare from Shota. “Your daughter?” Hizashi mouthed, nodding to the cellphone in his colleagues hand. Shota had nodded his head and turned his attention back to you. “Hitoshi and I got into a fight.” You started, making Shota stop breathing. “And I’m pretty sure he broke up with me last night over the phone.” You continued, sobbing into what he assumed was your hand. Hizashi had noticed the entire energy in the room shift.

“Dad, I need you to promise me you won’t do anything. I’m sure he’s just stressed.” You spoke up when you noticed your father had gone silent. “Okay. I promise. Look I have to get to my meeting, but I promise to call you after, okay?” He asked, gritting his teeth. “Okay, I love you.” You choked out, making his heart hurt hearing you so upset. “I love you too, get home safe.” He said before hanging up the phone. Aizawa took a deep breath before storming past Hizashi and headed towards the gym he was training Shinsou at. “Shota, I think you need to take a breather.” Hizashi had tried to say, warning him about what he was about might have consequences. Aizawa was seeing red and there was nothing that was going to stop him from reaching his target.

He whipped the door open to the gym and startled Shinsou greatly. He turned around and saw Aizawa, but noticed immediately the fowl mood that his teacher was in. “Uh, is everything okay, Aizawa-sensei?” Shinsou spoke up, but from the look on his teacher’s face he was going to regret asking. “No. Everything is not okay, but that is no longer your concern. I am revoking your transfer offer and cancelling your entrance exam for the chance to join the hero course.” Aizawa spoke quickly and furiously. The color had drained from Shinsou’s face, his eyes widened in surprise. “Wait, what? But I’ve been working so hard!” Shinsou spoke up, obviously confused from the sudden remark his teacher made.

Aizawa had stalked over to Shinsou and backed him into a corner. “It doesn’t matter how hard you worked! If you think you can go and break my daughter’s heart without consequences then you are sorely mistaken. You are not the hero I thought you could be, especially for Y/N’s sake.” He yelled, making Shinsou stop breathing. Before Shinsou could make any plea to his teacher, Aizawa had walked out of the gym, leaving Shinsou completely shell-shocked.

“What have I done…”

(To be continued)

[Part Three]

#shinsou hitoshi #bnha shinsou hitoshi #shinsou x reader #shinsou hitoshi x reader #bnha shinsou x reader #mha #mha imagines #mha shinsou hitoshi #mha shinsou hitoshi x reader #bnha #bnha shinsou hitoshi x reader #boku no hero academia #boku no hero fanfic #boku no hero academia x reader #my hero academia #my hero academia x reader #saffronsmhafics

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come-on-shitty-boys · 4 years

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//two pieces. miya atsumu//

Request: we all needed some kind of conclusion, so here we goooo

Warnings: none

Word Count: 1.8K

Notes: insert me having a small meltdown at 6 a.m. because I saw a spider trying get a lil peeksie while I was working and my arachnophobic ass C R I E D because that bitch was right next to my hand and I didn’t sign up to be jump scared this early.

{Read Part I - ‘Missing Pieces’ HERE}

{Read Part II - ‘Broken Pieces’ HERE}

There are very few things in this world that are unfixable. Shattered glass is a pain to put back together once it’s broken. You’ll get cut, bleed, scream, and cry, but with enough glue and the right amount of patience, but you can put it back together if you really want to. But, here’s the thing about puzzles. They’re meant to be put back together. They can take anywhere from a few minutes to years to complete, but turning them back into their original image is far from impossible. Even if those pieces have been missing for months or if they’ve been damaged, beaten, broken, they still have a place in the bigger picture.

It had been close to three months since Miya Atsumu returned those missing pieces to you. And it had been three months since he started putting all the pieces back together with you, doing what he could to mend the pieces that had been crumpled so that they could fit back into the picture. It wasn’t an easy task by any means, but the two of you worked diligently to put everything back together, not ready to put the puzzle back in its box, not ready to start over with someone new.

You heard him long before you heard the soft click of the door closing. His low laugh easily carrying through the air as he pressed his cellphone up against his ear. “No, Hinata, I’m serious! I can’t today. No, I- Dude, come on. Any other time and Y/N and I would absolutely be there, but we’re busy.” There’s a small scoff in response to whatever the little teammate had said. “Very funny, but I seriously can’t. Hold up, will you give me a sec?” Atsumu brings the phone away from his face, slipping his sneakers off and putting them next to the others. “Princess! I’m home!” He called and the smile on his face when you poked your head out of the bedroom was irreplaceable. It was that same goofy smile he got on his face when he was playing volleyball, doing something he loved. It made your heart swell with warmth and you hated the idea of losing that smile again. He brings the phone back up to his ear, the smile refusing to drop. “Hey, I’ll talk to you later. Have fun tonight, okay? Yeah- okay. Bye!”

Phone securely tucked into the pocket of his sweatpants, he opens his arms wide, meeting you halfway to envelope you in a tight hug. His head finds that comforting place in the crook of your neck, placing lazy kisses against the soft flesh. It was something he never realized he would miss, your sweet, fleeting touches as you traced little patterns on his shoulder blades , but months spent running away from you and his problems had left him unknowingly craving these embraces all over again.

“I’ve missed you,” he mutters quietly, feeling you shudder slightly against him at the feeling of his lips and warm breath moving across your skin with each passing word.

“‘Mu, you weren’t even gone that long.” There’s a smile on your face, he can hear it in your teasing tone. Your fingers lacing through his hair let him melt further into you, reveling in the feeling of just how beautifully your bodies fit together, slotting perfectly into one another just like two pieces of a puzzle.

“I know, but I have to leave again soon.” Atsumu pulls his head away from you so that you can get a good look at the pout that had settled onto his face.

But, you just hum, letting one hand trail down the side of his face, fingers gently tracing over the edge of his jawline. “It’s helping, right, ‘mu? The therapy, I mean.”

He nods his head, leaning into your touch, trying to keep that skin to skin contact with you as long as possible, scared that if he were to let it cease even for a second, he would wake up from this blissful dream where everything was okay and your relationship was going something that he never expected: healing.

But, even as your fingers leave him, there’s no horrifying switch into a nightmare where you had left him crying on the bedroom floor. You don’t fade from his view. Rather, you continue standing in front of him, that warm smile never leaving your lips. No matter how many times he blinked, just to make sure that he wasn’t dreaming, you remained right there in front of him, confirming his reality. Confirming that the impossible was happening.

It was by no means an easy reality to come too. The discussion that had followed the initial confrontation had just ended in more tear-choked apologies, desperate for forgiveness and longing for a partner’s tender touch. A real, comprehensible conversation didn’t come until days later when all of the questioning feelings inside you finally calmed enough for you to really rationalize your thoughts. It had been Atsumu’s idea, really. This whole counseling thing. He knew that he didn’t want to just let this all slip through his fingers and he knew damn well that he didn’t want to see you hurt that badly again. But, you couldn’t help but be taken aback at the proposal.

“Couples counseling? Really?”

“It’s just a thought. We don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I was trying to figure out what to do, and, well, Google said this might be a good first step?”

But, sitting on a couch with a random man (Atsumu made sure that the counselor was a man. He thought it might put you more at ease after everything), as he told you both everything you were doing wrong in your relationship, it was mutually decided that maybe this wasn’t the best idea that Atsumu had ever had. Rather, he signed himself up for more individualized therapy sessions, hoping someone with a degree could help him work out all of those feelings that had led him into this absolute disaster in the first place, hoping that someone would be able to help get rid of them. It was a long process, but he was willing to push forward if it meant that he could keep you in his life just a little while longer.

“Hey, ‘mu?”

Your voice pulls him from his thoughts and he looks down, meeting your eyes as your hands gripped the front of his shirt. There was a certain sadness hidden deep within your irises and he had to take a moment to mentally brace himself in case any tears spilled from you. Even after four years, watching you cry was still his least favorite sight. But, even still, Atsumu took your face between his hands, feeling you press your cheek gently against his palm. “What’s up, Princess?”

“I’m glad that you’re back.”

There’s a teasing smirk that twitches across his lips. “Y/N, I wasn’t even gone that long.”

Your eyes soften as a short laugh escapes you. “No, I mean, I’m glad that you are back, Atsumu. I’ve missed having you, the real you, around. I know you may see just how much you’ve changed, but I have and I’m really proud of you. I don’t know who the hell was here before, but that wasn’t you, but now? Now, you’re back and I couldn’t be happier to see you smile again.”

And before he could stop himself, he was smiling. It was that same genuine smile that had always worn on his face. That happy grin that would take over in the middle of late night conversations. That wide smile that radiated happiness and spread it to everyone close enough to see how his eyes would glint with excitement.

There’s this funny thing about puzzles: They’re meant to be put back together. Sure, they can be frustrating and they can make you want to pull all of your hair out, but at the end of the day, you can’t help but want to sit down and try to finish the picture in order to reveal the beauty that had been hiding amongst all of those pieces. But, then you finally get down to those two final pieces, the ones that had slotted so nicely together, the ones that had initially gotten the ball rolling, and you can see just how nicely they meld into the rest of the image, no matter how broken they may be. It’s a finished project that no one wants to tear apart and put back in the box. It’s one of those that gets framed and hung up for the world to marvel at so everyone has the chance to see just how wonderful this picture turned out, not knowing the sweat and tears that had gone into putting it all together, trying to locate those two lost pieces, trying to smooth them back out after they had been crumpled to an almost irreparable state. But it’s all of that unseen work that makes it so special. If it was easy, it wouldn’t hold the same feelings. There wouldn’t be this new air of freshness that came with laughs that had been kept from awaiting ears. There wouldn’t be the warmth of fingers intertwined across the dining table as stories of the day were shared. There wouldn’t be desperate I missed yous in the taste of every kiss, the feeling of a pair of hands on your hips wouldn’t make you melt into a puddle as thumbs pressed into the soft skin.

But, as lips were pressed against yours, calloused pads of thumbs pushed into your hips, the taste of unspoken longing fresh on his lips, you melted into Atsumu’s touch, more than happy to be piecing it all back together. His lips moved slowly with yours, each and every apology being spilled into the kiss. A kiss so filled with remorse, yet still laced with love that never failed to leave you breathless and desperate for another, but just as cheeks began to flush, lips disconnected in soft heavy breaths.

“Princess? I love you, you know that, right? I know that it didn’t seem like it for a while, but I do. I love you and I’m so glad that you’re in my life,” Atsumu says, sincerity dripping from each word, eyes searching yours for anything that could tell him that this was all a mistake, that you really wanted to just leave him right there and now, but instead, you just stared back at him with emotions mirroring the gentle adoration in his pretty brown eyes.

“I know and you know that I love you more, right, ‘mu?”

There’s a small smile on his lips as he leans back in, lips ghosting over your own with each passing word.

“Yeah, but I love you most, Princess.”

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #miya #miya atsumu #atsumu #miya x reader #atsumu x reader #x reader #imagine #imagines #i genuinely couldn't hurt him anymore #so here's my first angst fic that actually has a resolved and happy ending??

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chickensarentcheap · 3 years

Text

Never Gonna Be Alone -Chapter 26

Title: Preparations

Warning: it’s filler. I figured we needed some cute daddy Tyler. lol

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @alievans007, @miss-smutty, @tragiclyhip

“When you met mumma, you guys were working together, right?”

Addie poses the question as she sits atop the kitchen island; legs swinging back and forth as they dangle over the edge, the heels of silver and gold glitter infused jelly sandals lightly thumping against the wood. She insisted on bringing one of her favourite pairs of shoes from home; arguing that she didn’t care that they were ‘out of season’ and that she would wear what she wants, when she wants, and no one could tell her otherwise. In the end they’d gone perfectly with the new ‘Christmas’ dress she’d picked out Bloomingdales; a vibrant yellow concoction with capped sleeves embellished with strips of lace, a sash around the waist that ties in an enormous bow at the back, and an elaborate tulle skirt several layers thick that shimmers in the light. Forgoing all the burgundy, emerald green, and red dresses that had lined the regular priced racks in favour of an outfit from the leftover and highly discounted summer section. It was a hill Esme hadn't been willing to die on; preferring that Addie showcase both her independence in choosing her own outfit, and being proud of her personal style and preferences. And it suits her; as bright and adorable as her personality with just enough ‘no fucks given’ sprinkled on for good measure.

While tiny and seemingly fragile, she can be extremely assertive and adverse to any form of compromise; tenacious to a fault and digging her heels in and sticking to her guns when she feels she’s one hundred right about her stance. Even if there’s mountains of proof to show that she is, in fact, completely wrong. Someone so stubborn and feisty lingering inside that cute, wee package; able to hold her own while out playing with her older siblings and not afraid to get a bloody nose or a fat lip or a black eye. And not deterred in the slightest when she DOES get injured; right back to what she was doing only hours after getting stitches or a cast removed. Not shying away from climbing trees or splashing in mud puddles or helping muck out the goats stalls while wearing clunky rubber boots paired with a Disney princess dress. Very much like her older sister had been at that age; enjoying being physical and active and playing sports and rough housing one minute, then showcasing her more ‘girly side’ the next. Loving trips to the salon with mummy for manis and pedis; enjoying picking her own shade of polish and then getting to sip orange juice from a champagne glass while getting a facial and her hair trimmed. Collecting dolls along with various rocks and shells and beach glass. Superhero figures taking up residence on her bedroom shelves right alongside stuffies of her favourite animals -koalas, sloths, and kangaroos currently at the top of the list- and snow globes from different parts of the world. Her closet filled with not only frilly dresses and sparkly leggings and colourful sweaters emblazoned with unicorns and french bulldogs and flamingos, but old hand me downs from her brothers; ripped and faded jeans and tattered t-shirts and board shorts.

“Right,” Tyler confirms, as he tends to running a brush through her waist length hair; damp from misting it down with a spray bottle in order to easier part it into sections.

It’s a far cry from his old life; his beaten and busted up hands with their multitude of scars and calluses once used to being soaked in blood and caked with dirt. Large and weathered with misshapen knuckles, they’d long ago gotten accustomed to hard, manual labour and the brutality that he’d had to inflict on others; fists that pummelled bodies and faces and fingers that pulled triggers and wrapped around throats and choked the life out of combatants. And while they still get caked in mud from working around the house and they’re still entrusted to load magazines and are capable of taking a gun apart in thirteen seconds flat, they’ve morphed into other uses. Beginning with diapering babies and tending to the impossibly tiny snaps on jumpers, buttons on little sweaters, and zippers on sleepers. Moving on to tying kid sized shoe laces and cleaning and patching up skinned knees and elbows. Advancing to far more difficult hair styling techniques than the simple ponytails he’d began affixing on Millie when she was a toddler; various styles of braids adorned with ribbons, and snapping barrettes and clamping clips into place.

Being a girl dad is unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. The six short years -despite the little time he’d actually been home- he’d spent with Austin had prepared him for raising boys. His son, when healthy, had been extremely active and fearless and full of curiosity and energy; getting as messy and as dirty as possible and loving every second of it. Obsessed with superheroes and sports and always clad in clothing that displayed his favourites; football jerseys and baseball caps and sweats emblazoned with Superman or Batman logos. He had been terrified twelve years ago when the news had come in that Millie was in fact going to be a girl; not only envisioning frilly dresses and a closet full of pink and those ridiculous headbands parents insist on putting on their infants, but thinking back to his own treatment of women. The days when he’d used them for nothing more than sex; random strangers picked up in bars or that he’d meet on the street in whatever city a job sent him to. A failed marriage; putting more of a priority on the military than he did on treating his wife properly. And all he could think about was how having a daughter was somehow a punishment for the bad shit he’d done. A little girl that he’d have to protect from guys like him.

It was hard to get used to; big fingers having to master putting in tiny earrings and tending to impossibly small zippers and buttons , getting comfortable with the amount of pink and purple in their rooms and closets. Eventually graduating into attending tea parties and playing with Barbies and helping make crafts; getting used to paint on his palms and between his fingers and glitter stuck under his nails and in his hair and beard. Determined to be a hands-on father even if its activities are way outside of his comfort zone; gymnastic meets and dance recitals as opposed to lacrosse matches and football games. Being a girl dad isn’t for the weak; having to worry about your little girls’ hearts being broken and if the guys they pick will treat them right and if they themselves will make smart and responsible choices as teenagers. And the hormones; the up and down emotions and the drastic switch from bitchy to overly sensitive. Having a wife go through it once a month is enough. never mind the thought of three other girls. The worry of how he’ll handle not only the emergence of puberty, but if all four female ‘clocks’ decide to sync up. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to handle THAT; all the women in his life going through the cramps and the moodiness and the demands to be coddled and babied one minute and left the fuck alone the next.

“Does that mean mummy beat up and killed bad guys too?”

“No. She never did any of that stuff. That was my job, not hers.”

“What did she do?”

“She tracked down the bad guys. And where they were doing mean things to good people. Then she told me...or guys like me...where they were so we could go and take care of things.”

“So you could go and kill them?”

“You don’t always have to kill people. Sometimes it’s enough to just rough them up a bit.”

“And other times they fight back and try to hurt you and you have to hurt them first?”

“Pretty much.”

“Have you killed a lot of people?”

“Not that many," he lies. It's actually a staggering amount; the death toll -from his hand alone- in Dhaka putting the count well over three hundred.

“How many is ‘not that many'?’”

“I don’t know, Peanut. I’ve never kept track.”

“But you’ve helped more people than you’ve hurt. That’s what mummy said when I asked if it was true. If Tyler was lying when he told me you kill people for a living.”

“That’s a while ago. That you asked mummy that.”

“I was three. That’s a whole two years ago. But sometimes I think about it. Especially when you go away. I think about you having to kill people.”

“And what do you think WHEN you think about that? About what I sometimes have to do?”

“I dunno know,” Addie shrugs, and then lifts the spray bottle clutched in both hands and holds it towards her face; giggling when she pulls the trigger and catches some of the mist in her mouth.

“Does it bother you? When you think about it? That I’ve killed people? That sometimes I still have to?”

“Why would it bother me?”

“Kind of a hard thing to hear, don’t you think? That daddy has to do stuff like that?”

“It’s your job. It’s what you do. You have to hurt people to save other people. And sometimes, if they try and hurt you first, you have to kill them. Because if you didn’t, they might kill you and then you never come home and we never get to see you again. It’s not THAT hard to hear. I’d rather you kill someone and come home than never see you again.”

“You know,” he plucks the spray bottle from her hands and dampens a section of hair. “You’re pretty smart for only five.”

“Smart like mummy.”

He leans in to press a kiss to her cheek. “Cute like her too.”

“Are you going to get in trouble? For killing people?”

“Who would I get in trouble with?”

“God. Isn’t that one of the things we’re not supposed to do? Kill people?”

“How do you know about that? We don’t talk about that stuff at home.”

“I hear things. At school. Some of the older kids talking. Are you? Going to get in trouble? For killing people?”

“Probably,” he admits. “I’m sure I’ll face some kind of judgement for it. When my time comes.”

“But wouldn’t it be okay ‘cause you only kill bad people? That were hurting good people? Wouldn’t that be allowed? And if you had to kill someone so you could come home to us, wouldn’t that be okay too?”

“I don’t know,” he snags a yellow cloth ribbon off the island and begins braiding a section of hair around it. “I’ve never thought that far ahead about things.”

“It would suck if you got in trouble for helping people. That wouldn’t be fair at all. If you got sent to hell for doing stuff like that. I mean, you were doing something GOOD. You weren’t doing something bad. You HAD to kill evil people to help good people. And to make sure you come home to mummy and us kids. I can’t see you getting in trouble for something like THAT.”

“Doesn’t make much sense to me either. But not a lot does anymore.”

“I’ll be really mad if you get in trouble and sent somewhere different than me. I don’t want us to be in two separate places. I want us to be together. All of us. You and mummy and all us kids. I don’t want us to all be separated. Well, maybe Millie could be. Because she’s mean to me. All the time.”

“Millie is going through some stuff. She’s going to be a teenager soon. A lot of drama leading up to THAT.”

“She says I’m annoying. That she used to really like me when I was a baby and couldn’t do anything. But now I can do lots of stuff and I can talk and she says that pisses her off. That I’m a bratty little sister.”

“You are NOT bratty.”

“Right? That’s what I said. She’s bratty if anything. Am I annoying, daddy? Don’t lie. You can tell me the truth.”

“You are not annoying. If anyone is annoying, it’s Millie.”

“I said THAT too! But she’s mean. She even threatened to cut my hair off. Shave it. Because I couldn’t find my brush and I borrowed hers and she didn’t like that. So you know what I did? While you were gone?”

“What did you do?”

“I took the tops off two Oreo cookies and I ate the middle and then I put in mayonnaise and I put the tops back on and gave them to Millie. I told her I was being a good little sister and bringing her a snack. And she put a whole one in her mouth! She almost puked!”

He can’t help but chuckle. “You actually did that?”

“Yup. It was awesome. I laughed so hard, I almost peed! But then she started chasing me around the house threatening to kill me. Mummy was screaming at her to lighten up, that it was just a joke. And then she told mummy to shut up and Tyler got mad. REALLY mad. He tackled Millie and grabbed her by the hair and pushed her face into the carpet. Then he put her in a figure four leg lock and made her cry.”

“Millie told your mom to shut up?”

“Oooops…” Addie tilts her head back to look at him, a sheepish smile curving her lips. “....I wasn’t supposed to tell you that part.”

“Who told you not to tell me? Millie?”

The five year old shakes her head.

“TJ?”

Another shake, followed by a tiny “No.”

“Addie…”

“It was mummy! She said not to tell you because you’d get pissed off and you didn’t need to. Because she took care of it right when it happened. Well, Tyler did. He was really, really, REALLY mad. She learned her lesson. I’m sure of it. He made her cry. Lots.”

“Did that happen a lot? Millie getting mouthy with your mom?”

“Not really.”

He stares pointedly down at her.

“A few times,” she reluctantly admits. “She said some things that were really mean. To mummy. And she said the F word once, too. Mixed with the B word.”

“She said that ? To your mom?”

Addie chews nervously on her bottom lip. “Yeah, she called her an f-ing B word.”

“What did mummy do?”

“She didn’t get a chance to do anything. Desi freaked out. And he’s really big and he can be really scary when he wants. Like you. Desi told her that she should never, ever talk to her mum like that. And that you’d be really mad if you found out. And that she’d rather deal with him than you. Which is true. Desi might be bigger than you, but you’re definitely tougher. I mean, he doesn’t kill people for a living. You do.”

“Things were pretty bad, huh? While I was gone.”

“A little. Millie went off the reservation. Big time. She’s lucky she’s even breathing. ‘Cause Tyler was ready to kill her. And I don’t blame him. You’re mad, aren’t you. Are you mad, daddy?”

“A bit.”

“You know how I can tell? That you’re mad? Your neck moves. Right here,” she reaches up to press to fingertips against the side of his throat. “Where the bad guy shot you a long time ago.”

“How did you know about that?”

“Mummy told me. I asked her how you got that scar. She said that a long time ago, her and Ovi were in trouble and you had to get them out of a really bad place. And then you made sure they were safe and sound, but a bad guy shot you. In the neck. And that’s why you have the scar there.”

“Did that scare you? Hearing that?”

“A little, I guess. I mean, you could have died, right?”

“I could have, yeah.”

“And then you and mummy never would have gotten married. And had kids. Millie would be the only one to exist. None of us would. So yeah, that part scared me a bit; that the bad guy could have killed and none of us ever would have been born. Did you kill him?”

“Eventually.”

“Mummy said she stayed with you. After it happened. And that she went back to Australia with you and that’s how she ended up there. It’s where you guys got married. And had Millie and me and Kota and Brookie. That we were the ones born there. So we’re REAL Australians, like you. Everyone else is American.”

“Everyone else WAS American. You’re all Australian now.”

“How does that work?”

“A lot of papers you have to fill out. To become a citizen. But you all are. Mummy and I made sure of it.”

“Is mummy an Australian too?”

“By marriage, yeah.”

“It’s a good thing she married you. You’re a lucky guy, daddy. That someone like mummy fell in love with you.”

“I am,” he confirms. “Very lucky. She’s a pretty good mummy, huh?”

“She’s the best mummy EVER. If we could pick our mummies, I’d pick her. Because she’s nice and she gives good cuddles and kisses and she tells the best silly jokes. And she’s super smart and really cute too. And little! Like me!”

“That’s where you get from. Being so cute and wee. You’re just like your mumma.”

Her eyes sparkle as she smiles broadly up at him; the corners and the bridge of her nose crinkle. “And that’s a good thing, yeah?”

“A very good thing,” Dropping a kiss on her forehead, he brushes the tip of his nose against hers; smiling at the way she throws her head back and giggles.

He’s seen her mother do that exact movement and expression a number of times; excitement while on the rides at Disney World with the kids, when she’s had one too many glasses of wine and even his terrible ‘dad jokes’ are suddenly hilarious, when they’ve been on one of their ‘mommy and daddy’ vacations and she’s gotten up the guts to try something new and exciting; emboldened by his encouragement and forever feeling safe and secure as long as he’s by her side. So much of Esme in the tiny little girl in front of him; tenacious and ferociously intelligent and loving deeply and fearlessly. Knowing the darkness and the horrors that exist in the world but not allowing herself to be tarnished by it; always finding ways to smile and laugh and find the beauty in every day.

“What do you think mummy would have done if she didn’t do the job she did?” Addie inquires, when she finally drops her head back down and he’s able to return to tending her hair.

“I don’t know. Teach? Be a nurse? Maybe a doctor?”

“How would you have met her? If she didn’t do her old job?”

“Maybe I would have met her on the beach. In Australia. Maybe she would have come there on a vacation.”

“Maybe. Or maybe you would have gone to where she used to live. In Chicago.”

“She used to live in Colorado. That’s where she was born and where she grew up. Chicago is a totally different place.”

“She used to live by the mountains. When I was in her tummy, you guys lived on a hobby farm. And you had goats and chickens. Mummy says we still own that house.”

“Yup, we do. We rent it out.”

“Can we go there one day? I’d like to see it. I’d like to see where you guys were living when I was in mummy’s belly. Is that where I was made?”

“We’re pretty sure that’s where it happened. Not many other places it could have been.”

“Maybe we can go and visit. And I can see where I was made. That would be fun. I want to see the mountains.”

“Maybe one day.” He finishes up the first braided pigtail, securing it with an impossibly small elastic before turning his attention to the other section of hair.

“If you met mummy a different way, would you have still liked her? Would you have still fallen in love with her?”

“Yup. Why wouldn’t have I? She still would have been mummy. She still would have been the same person. Still would have been the most beautiful girl ever.”

“Do you think she still would have fallen in love with you?”

“I sure as hell hope so. Would sure suck if she didn’t. Your mumma is pretty special, Peanut. She’s the love of my life. Took me until I was thirty five to meet her.”

“You were married before, though. To Austin's mom. You didn’t love her?”

“I did. But not in the way I love your mum. Your mum? That’s who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Grow really, really, REALLY old with. It’s a whole other kind of love. And you know what? It’s not easy to explain. You just know what you feel.”

“Imagine if things were opposite? If you went to Colorado and met mummy instead of her meeting you in Australia and working with you? And then you would have stayed there; where the snow and the mountains are instead of the beach and the ocean. How come you moved? Why didn’t you guys stay? Where the mountains are?”

“Things changed. We weren’t happy there anymore. We needed to get away. Go back to the place where we were the happiest.”

“In Australia?”

“Yup.”

“That’s where I’m happiest too. I love it there. I love how warm it is; the sun and the sand and the water. I like the sound it makes; listening to it when I’m trying to fall asleep. And I like how the beach feels; between my toes and when I let it run through my fingers. And I love my room and my toys and my school and my friends and all the goats and our pigs and our chickens. And Charlie. I love him the most. I love making him peanut butter sandwiches. I’d miss him the most. If we had to leave. We won’t have to leave will we, daddy?”

“I don’t see why we would have to.”

“I don’t ever want to leave Australia. It’s perfect there. It’s where I was born. And where you were born too. We have that in common. We were BOTH born there.”

“Yeah…” he grins, and presses a kiss to the back of her head. “...we were.”

“I mean, we have other stuff in common too. Because you’re my dad and that means you helped make me so that means half of me is half of you. The other half is from mummy. And we both love surfing. And animals. And Vegemite. I LOVE Vegemite. It’s sooooo good.”

“Speaking of Vegemite, was it you that left the Vegemite and Nutella sandwich for Santa?”

Addie giggles. “Maybe…”

“Why would you ever put the two of those together?”

“Tyler made it for his school lunch once and he let me try a bit and it was really good! So I thought Santa might like to try it. Part American, part Australian.”

“You know, that’s pretty genius. And it worked. I tried a bit and it wasn’t bad.”

“Right?! You wouldn’t think it would work, but it does. Somehow. Kind of like you and mummy.”

“What’s THAT supposed to mean?”

“You and mummy are so different. You’re really tall and big and she’s really short and small. Like, you know how mummy is a morning person? She’s always really cheerful and smiley? And you’re not? You’re moody and miserable. A total grump face! And you don’t like to talk until you’ve had your first coffee. With three shots of espresso in it.”

“You notice all that stuff?”

“I notice everything. Mummy says I’m very observant. And that I have really good instincts. Like you. She says ‘cause my tummy tells me if something is right or wrong. And yours does too. You know how else you and mummy are different?”

“How?”

“Mummy talks to everyone! She’s very talky talky. A chatterbox.”

“Geez,” Tyler grins, and tugs playfully at the completed pigtail. “I wonder who ELSE is a chatterbox?”

“She’s a social butterfly. She makes friends everywhere she goes. People like her. Because she’s so bubbly and cute and she makes peoples hearts feel warm because she’s so nice to them. You’re more serious. You don’t talk a lot. At least not to people you don’t know. People are scared of you sometimes. Because how big you are and because you got all the drawings on you and the scars and stuff. They think you’re mean. ‘Cause of all that.”

“And what do you think?”

“I think you’re just daddy. I KNOW you’re not mean. I KNOW you’re a nice guy. I KNOW you give awesome hugs; your arms are big but they feel nice and they wrap all the way around me! If people really paid attention, they’d see that you’re nice. You have soft eyes. They’re blue and they’re pretty and they’re kind. Especially when you smile and they go all crinkly. If people really gave you a chance, they’d see you’re not scary at all. You’re only like that if you HAVE to be. If bad people are near mummy or us kids.”

“Are you ever scared of me?” It’s a recurring thought; if his children ever pick up on the worry and the tension and the fear that comes with his issues. It’s a feat some days; forcing himself out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other. Wanting nothing more than to stay under the covers and surrender to the exhaustion that comes with doing battle with his own mind every day. But his family is his number one priority, whether it’s a good day or a horrible one. And he’ll ‘fake it until he makes it’ as long as his children and his wife know that they’re loved; provided and cared for and made to feel safe and protected.

“Why would I be? Why would I be scared of my daddy?”

“Well, you know what I do for a living. You know what I’ve had to do to people. Does that scare you?”

“Nope. Because that’s just your job. It’s not who you are. When you come home, you’re just daddy. You take us bike riding and hiking and swimming and surfing. And you help us find rocks and shells and you let me sit on your shoulders when we walk on the beach or go into town. And we take naps. On the hammock. I love our naps on the hammock.”

He smiles. “So do I.”

“Sometimes I get a little worried. When you get upset. Or you and mummy argue. I don’t like when you guys argue. I always worry that you’ll hate each other. That you’ll get a divorce. And then you won’t live with us. It makes me sad when I think about that.”

“You don’t need to be sad, Peanut. That’s never going to happen. I’m never going to go and live somewhere else. I’m going to stay right where I am; with you guys and your mumma. And just because we argue? That doesn’t mean we’re going to hate each other. I could NEVER hate your mum. And I’m pretty sure she’d say the same thing about me. We love each other. Very much. Divorce is NOT something you need to think about. But do I ever scare you? Have I ever?”

“I don’t have a reason to be scared of you. Because you love me. You’d never hurt me. I never worry about that. Not even when you yell and your voice gets REALLY loud. I know you’d never do anything mean to me. Just to bad people. And I’m not a person. I’m a GOOD person.”

“You definitely are. You’re a VERY good person. An amazing little person.”

She smiles. “Like mummy.”

“Just like her. More than even I ever realized.”

******

“Addie…” TJ singsongs as he saunters into the kitchen, both hands tucked behind his back. “...what are you doing?”

“Tyler!” She cheerfully greets, and excitedly waves to him with both hands. Her entire face lighting up at the sight of her second favourite male in the house

She’s become extremely close to her oldest brother during her five years on earth; idolizing him and turning to him for help and comfort when daddy is either caught up with one of the other kids, tending to work related matters, or out of the house -and sometimes even the country- all together. And TJ dotes on her in return. Spoiling her and babying her ever since she was an infant and he was always more than willing to help change her diapers and give her feedings. In awe of how tiny she was and how she’d look up at him with so much adoration. He’s the quintessential older brother; patient and loving and ready to kick anyone’s ass that dares messes with her.

“Look at my dress! It’s the one I picked out when I went shopping for mommy. That I kept a secret. Isn’t it awesome?”

“Awesome just like you. It’s really pretty, Ads. Your favourite colour too!”

“Yup! Mummy bought it for me. She said it’s perfect for me. For my personality. It reminds me of Belle’s dress. From Beauty and the Beast.”

“Looks a little like it, I guess. But you know what? It’s even prettier. And you’re more beautiful than Belle. WAY more beautiful.”

“Really?” she gasps, and a noticeable blush creeps into her cheeks, spreading all the way to the tips of her ears. “You really think so?”

“I REALLY think so. Belle has nothing on you. You’re the prettiest princess EVER. Way prettier than ANY of them.”

“Oh goodness!” She clamps both hands over her mouth in embarrassment, then giggles into them. “Like mumma? Just as pretty as her? Mumma is the prettiest EVER.”

“Just a smaller version of her.” TJ leans in close and presses the tip of his nose against hers. “Guess what I have? What you forgot in my room?”

“Adeline!” she cries, when he reveals the item he’d been keeping behind his back. And she snags the doll from him and showers its head and face with kisses as she clutches it tightly to her chest. “Adeline! I’m sorry I forgot you! I didn’t mean to!”

“I kept her safe for you,” TJ says. “So Declan wouldn’t grab her. You know how he likes to get a hold of dolls and torture them. I didn’t want him getting her. She’s way too pretty and I know how much you love her.”

“He’s mean to my dolls! He’s always taking their heads off and putting their arms where their legs should be and crazy shit like that.”

“Hey,” Tyler frowns, and tugs on the half braided pigtail. “What did I say?”

“No bad language. Especially on Christmas Day. I can’t help it though; sometimes it just slips out. If you didn’t swear so much around us kids…”

“That’s it. Throw me under the bus.”

“You swear A LOT, daddy. Especially in the car. When other people don’t drive fast enough or use their blinkers. If mummy knew exactly how much you DO swear around us, she’d be mad. REALLY mad.”

“Your mum has a worse mouth than I do.”

“As if!” Addie scoffs, and he can’t help but smile; easily hearing Esme’s voice and picturing the expression on her face; the corner up her mouth and her nose scrunched up in disgust, eyes slightly narrowed. “Thank you, Tyler!” She curls an arm around her brother’s neck, squeezing as tight as she can. “You’re the best! Thank you for keeping her safe from the Ginger. You’re the best brother EVER! I only trust you with her. And daddy. That’s it. You guys are big and strong and will keep her safe no matter what.”

“What the hell are you wearing?” He addresses his son as the latter moves to the fridge, pausing in the braiding of Addie’s hair to survey TJ’s wardrobe a pair of ill fitting and impossibly baggy jeans, an enormous untucked dress shirt with its sleeves rolled to his elbows, and a loose pink, purple, and grey striped tie.

“Your pants. And one of your shirts.” TJ reaches into the fridge and grabs a carton of chocolate milk and a jug of white. Closing the door with his hip and carrying them to the counter by the sink; pouring a mix of both into a plastic tumblr retrieved from the dish rack and then snagging two straws from the cupboard. “Mum told me to. She said none of my clothes were good enough for Christmas dinner. All my jeans have holes in them and all t-shirts have to do with surfing. We’ve never had to dress up for Christmas dinner before. Why do we have to start now?”

“Your mum’s trying to make things perfect. To avoid drama. With your grandmother.”

“Too late. Grandma brings drama with her. And drops it on everyone else.” He drags a bar stool across the floor and places it in front of his little sister. “Here Ads,” he holds the cup in front of her. “A yellow straw just for you. So you don’t have to share my germs. Let me hold it; so you don’t spill anything on your dress.”

Giving a delighted squeal and a smile of appreciation, she takes a pull from the straw. “I think you look handsome, Tyler. You’re growing up. You’re going to be as big as daddy soon.”

“It’s going to be a while before I’m THAT big. But I’m going to work on it. As soon as I’m allowed, I’m going to lift heavy too and put on ALL kinds of muscle.”

“Then you can go after bad people too. And beat them up and kill them when you have to.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Tyler suggests. “Something tells me mummy might have an issue with that.”

“Why doesn’t mum just tell grandma to get lost?” TJ inquires. “It’s not like they like each other. They never have. They’ve always fought. I remember how they’d get into it at Christmas. When we were still living in Colorado. Grandma would get drunk and she’d pick fights with mum and mum would fight back and cry and then you’d go off on grandma. Is that going to happen this year? ‘Cause it’s been nice and quiet at Christmas. Do we HAVE to listen to grandma's shit?”

“What did I just tell your sister? About the language?”

“She’s five, but she’s right. It IS hard to stop and it does just come out. But do we, dad? Do we really have to put up with her?”

“It’s one night. I think you can manage. If I can grin and bear it, so can you. Suck it up.”

“If she starts in on mum about ANYTHING, I’m going to lose it. That’s my mum. No one talks to my mum like that. I almost taught Jacobi a lesson. For calling mum cute and wanting to ask her out. I’ll teach grandma a lesson too. I’m not afraid of her.”

“If anyone is going to teach her a lesson, it’s going to be me. You stay out of it. Your mum wouldn’t want you getting into it with her. You’re TEN.”

“Doesn’t matter how old I am. That’s MY mum. And no one is going to treat her bad. We’re supposed to protect her, remember? You and I.”

“You’re supposed to be a kid and stay that way as long as you can. I’M supposed to protect your mom. And I think I’ve been pretty damn good at it for the last twelve and a half years. And if your grandma starts? I’ll stop it. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“Why does she hate you so much anyway? Is it still the same crap? How she’s pissed because you stole mum away from her family and moved her all the way to Australia? ‘Cause you got her pregnant before you married her?”

Addie scowls. “Who cares? Lots of people have babies and they aren’t married. And so what if mummy didn’t go back home and she stayed with daddy? She’s an adult. She can do what she wants. And she wanted to be with daddy. None of grandma’s business. I’mma tell her that too. If she starts saying mean things about daddy or mummy. I’mma tell her what for.”

“You’re not going to do a thing,” Tyler informs her. “You’re going to leave all the telling off to me, got it?”

“I don’t like her,” Addie says. “She’s not a nice person. She has a mean smile. And her eyes are empty. They don’t sparkle or anything like that. Are you sure that’s mummy’s mummy? Because when mummy smiles, her eyes sparkle. She LOOKS happy. Grandma? She just looks mean.”

“No one likes her,” TJ grumbles. “Best thing we ever did was get away from her. But IS that why, dad? Is that really why she doesn’t like you? Because she still thinks you stole mum and took her all the way to Australia?”

“It’s a few things.”

“I bet it’s the job too. I bet she really has a problem with THAT.”

“Again…” Addie huffs dramatically. “...who cares? So what if daddy kills people? They’re BAD. They deserve it. He helps good people and sometimes when he’s helping them, he has to kill the bad guys. I don’t see a problem with that. If they try and hurt him or kill him, he HAS to kill them first. So he can come home. To us. And mummy. It only makes sense.”

“If Ads can get it, ANYONE can,” TJ says. “She’s only five. What’s grandma? A hundred? If a five year old can get it…”

“Daddy makes the world a better place because he gets rid of the bad people,” Addie continues, as she takes another sip of the drink her brother offers her. “If we had less bad people, everything would be great. There’d be less wars and less people getting hurt and everyone would love one another and be happy. Daddy’s doing a good thing. By sticking up for people. Like you do. At school. You beat up the bullies when you have to. Remember the older kid that tripped me and shoved my face in the mud? Remember him? He’s in grade eight AND you kicked the crap out of me. Because he picked on me.”

“You’re my sister. It’s my job to protect you.”

“And remember that other guy? On the playground by mummy’s store? The one that pulled my hair and told me I was adopted because I’m small and I don’t look like any of you guys. You freaked out on him and made him apologize and scared him away. He’ll cross the street now if he sees you coming.”

“You can’t let bad people get away with doing bad things,” TJ reasons. “If you don’t stop them, they’ll just keep doing bad stuff.”

“Exactly! So it’s a good thing that daddy goes after the bad guys. Grandma needs to learn. And she needs to learn TODAY. You should tell her, Tyler. You should tell her off. You’re not scared of anyone.”

“Not being scared of anyone or anything is not always a good thing,” Tyler informs her. “If you’re not scared, you don’t take a situation or people seriously. That’s when you get hurt. And you know what? No matter how big of a bad ass you think you are? There’s always a bigger one out there somewhere. Believe me. I’ve learned THAT lesson the hard way.”

“The guy who shot you just got a lucky one in,” TJ reasons. “You were already hurt. You weren’t one hundred percent. Some guy had already shot you, hadn’t he? A sniper?”

“What’s a sniper?” Addie inquires. “Is it like Swipper on Dora? Something like him?”

“We don’t need to talk about that,” Tyler says. “You don’t need to know that stuff. Not until you’re older. WAY older.”

“A sniper’s a guy that hides somewhere and shoots you,” TJ replies. “Somewhere where no one sees him. It’s why they’re so dangerous. You don’t even know where they are. They just shoot you. And they kill you before you even know what happened.”

“But daddy didn’t get killed. If a sniper shot daddy, shouldn’t he be dead?”

Combing his hand through her bangs, Tyler tips his daughter’s head back. “What did I just say? About you not needing to know about this stuff?”

“I’m curious now. Tyler said they hide and shoot people and kill them. How come you didn’t die? If a sniper shot you?”

“I guess he didn’t manage to get a good shot in.”

“It was the other guy that almost killed him,” TJ says, and takes a sip of the concoction in his hand. “The one that got him in the neck. That’s when he almost died. Mum saved him.”

“How? How did mummy save daddy? Daddy…” she swivels around in her stool to face him. “...how did mummy save you? Did she shoot the bad guy back?”

“Mum stuck her fingers in his neck,” TJ says. “To stop the bleeding. Or he would have bled to death.”

Addie’s eyes widen. “She DID?”

“When you’re older, MAYBE I’ll tell you more more about it. But for now…” Tyler places his hands on her shoulders and gently turns her back around. “...you don’t need to know this stuff. And you…” he stares pointedly at his son. “...don’t talk about this around her. She doesn’t need to know about this. She’s a baby still.”

“I’m not a baby!” Addie objects. “I’m five! I can almost ride my bike without training wheels. Babies can’t do that.”

“Just don’t, alright?” He addresses TJ. “Don’t talk about this stuff around her. Because she’s going to repeat all of this and she’s going to repeat it to your mum and that won’t end well. For you OR me.”

“It happened though. I mean, it’s part of how you guys met and got together and ended up getting married and stuff. It’s your history. I don’t see why…”

“I said ENOUGH. No more. Not around her. Got it?” He’s on edge; the mere mention of Dhaka and the incidents on the bridge playing straight into the anxiety and the panic he’d felt the night before; when he’d woken up from the nightmare and been on the verge of losing control and had turned to the fentanyl for relief. And it scares him; how easy it had been to not only access the powerful med, but actually take it. He’d encountered no resistance or hesitation; remorse and guilt not setting in until the following morning when he’d woken up and it had been the first thing on his mind. It’s alarming how quick things can return; an addict’s mind and behaviour.

Nodding, TJ holds his hands up in surrender.

“You’re both going to be nice tonight,” he says, and finishes Addie’s final braid. “To grandma. Because your mum is already stressed out enough and we don’t need to make it worse for her. So if the best you can do is smile and nod, just do that. I’m not asking you to kiss her ass. I’m just asking you to be civil. Can you handle that?”

TJ nods.

“You?” He tugs on one of Addie’s pigtails. “Can you do that? Be civil?”

“Do I have to be near her? Or sit on her lap? ‘Cause I draw the line there.”

“You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Just don’t be a little asshole, alright?”

“Me? I’m Mary Freaking Sunshine, remember? That’s what Grandpa Koen calls me.”

“Well then live up to it and be nice to your grandmother. Smile until your face hurts, got it?”

“What do I get out of it?”

He smirks.

“Mummy says to always negotiate. Never settle for the first offer. Can I sleep in the big bed tonight? For being nice to grandma?”

“No.” Wrapping an arm around her waist, he lifts her off the stool; pressing a kiss to her cheek before setting her on the ground.

She turns to face him. Head cocked to the side and one hand clutching her doll, the other planted firmly on her hip. “Can I have ice cream for my bedtime snack?”

"Maybe."

“Maybe isn’t good enough.”

“You ARE just like your mom, aren’t you.”

“I’ll be nice if I can have ice cream for my bedtime snack and you snuggle with me and draw on my back for half an hour. And that’s after FOUR stories.”

“You're bossy, you know that? Two stories.”

“Three. That’s as low as I’ll go.”

“I will give you two stories, ice cream for your snack, and forty five minutes of snuggling and drawing on your back. Instead of half an hour. We got a deal?”

Her eyes narrow as she considers it; nibbling on her bottom lip and swishing her hips back and forth. “You’re good at this.”

“This isn’t my first rodeo, Peanut. I’ve dealt with tougher than you. What do you say?” He offers a hand. “Deal?”

“Deal!” she agrees, his hand easily swallowing hers as they shake on it.

Grinning, he runs a hand over the top of her head and then drops a kiss on her hair. “You really DO have a lot of your mum in you.”

“Great things come in small packages,” Addie reasons, standing on her tiptoes as he leans down and pecks her lips. “Thank you, daddy!” she chirps. “My hair looks beautiful. You always do it perfect.”

“Pretty hard not to when my subject is so cute. Good thing I married your mum, huh? So I could have a kid as cute as you?”

“You really are a lucky man!” she declares and then cheerfully skips out of the room.

“I hope grandma is on her best behaviour,” TJ says, as he finishes the drink in his hand and then slides off the stool and returns it to its place at the island. “Because if she DOES start on mum, it’s going to be a wild night. I really hope she watches her step.”

“My too, kiddo,” Tyler sighs, and reaches out to tousle his son’s hair. “Me too.”

#Tyler Rake #Tyler Rake fan fiction #Extraction fan fiction

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cinnamon-roll-seth · 4 years

Text

Happy Medium (Part Two) || Rafe Cameron x Maybank!Reader

Part One

Request: hi! um this is oddly specific but i had this idea so... can you possibly do an imagine where rafe and the reader are dating and rafe is like super super sweet (and she makes him a better person🥺), but the reader is also jjs sister and he gets really mad when he finds out about the relationship bc he is really protective of her, but at a party or something a touron messes with the reader and rafe sticks up for her so jj starts to come around to the idea of their relationship

“Babe come on. It’s your birthday, you have to have a party!” Rafe pleaded, pacing around his room as you laid on his bed reading some fashion magazine Sarah had given you.

“No I don’t. Lots of people don’t have parties on their birthdays.”

“Y/N you’ve had a party for your birthday every single year since like forever. It’s how I had your birthday memorized even before we started dating.”

“Yeah and no offense but most of those parties ended up getting ruined by kooks. Besides, it’s not like JJ or any of my friends will even be there so what’s the point.”

“But the kooks wouldn’t be there to ruin it this time. Please, just let me throw you a fun party for your birthday. It’ll take your mind off everything that’s been going on. You can get wasted off your ass and I’ll stay sober to take care of you.”

“Promise?” You ask, looking up from the magazine.

“Promise,” He grins.

“Fine. But I require fruity drinks that are going to taste like pure sugar but still get me fucked up after like five sips. Beer is getting really old.”

“Of course. Anything for you Sunshine. Hey I gotta go meet up with Topper and Kelce about something. I’ll be back in an hour, you good to stay here?”

“Yeah. Rose was gonna teach me how to make some Greek meal that she learned how to make when she visited there, since I’m always saying I want to go.”

“Alright well, have fun. I’ll see you in a bit,” He leans down to plant a kiss on your forehead before disappearing out his bedroom door.

“Oh hell no,” JJ growls, seeing Rafe standing on the porch in front of him.

“Wait,” Rafe sticks his foot out and stops him from closing the door, “Please JJ, it’s important.”

“What the hell do you want? I thought I made it clear that I don’t want you hear. Leave.”

“Y/N‘s birthday is in two days. I’m throwing a party and I want you and the other three to come. She’s been having a really tough time these past couple weeks and I know she’d be happy if you guys came.”

“A party at your kook house surrounded by other kooks, yeah not interested. Didn’t think Y/N would ever be interested either but I guess you got your claws deeper than I thought. I trust you’ll tell her happy birthday from me?”

“Okay dude, what is your goddamn problem? I get it, you don’t like me, but Y/N is your sister. You’re supposed to be there for her but no. Instead of supporting her and being happy that she’s happy you and your friends have all been complete assholes towards her. You guys have cut off all contact and have completely alienated her because you all have too much pride and hatred for kooks to accept that she’s in a relationship with one. I’ve sat and watched for two goddamn weeks as she’s been borderline depressed, struggling with the fact that you all have disowned her. You know you guys think we’re the bad guys but you have stooped so low as to treat one of your own like complete shit simply because she fell in love with one of us. This isn’t fucking Romeo and Juliet, get over yourselves. We’re not having the party at my house, it’ll be on the beach because I know she’ll be most comfortable there. And for your information, she didn’t even want to party. I begged her to let me throw her one so I wouldn’t have to watch her be sad on her own birthday. I came here to ask you if you’d come because I know it would make her happy but if you’re going to show up acting like that then don’t bother. Goodbye JJ,” Rafe rants angrily, stepping back to exit the porch while leaving your brother standing in the open doorway in shock.

“Jesus you look beautiful,” Rafe grins, watching as you do a little spin in the party dress he’d bought you. You told him not to but he insisted and who were you to tell him no.

“Stop, you’re making me blush,” You laugh.

“As you should be because you look gorgeous. You ready to go? I told everyone to start showing up at six.” You nod and he grabs your hand, dragging you out of his room.

When you get to the beach the sun is just starting to set and the beach is already packed. You and Rafe walk through the crowd, searching for Kelce and Topper, who were in charge of protecting your girly alcohol. You clutch your boyfriend’s hand, overwhelmed by the amount of people you don’t even know shouting happy birthday at you.

“Yo Y/N! Happy birthday! Don’t worry, we got the good stuff!” Kelce shouts as you near the pair of boys, handing a bottle of pink lemonade UV out towards you. (A/N: Fun fact, I got waisted off of Pink Lemonade UV on my 18th birthday and ended up puking all over my aunt. Good times lmao. Drink responsibly kids.)

“What, no mixer?” You ask, taking the bottle from him.

“Oh we got that covered,” Topper replies, holding up an old milk jug full of some pink liquid. Pink Lemonade probably, it’s a good thing that’s your favorite drink.

“Well thank you boys. I’m honored,” You smile, pouring a generous amount of alcohol into your plastic cup, followed by some of the pink lemonade.

You continue to hang out with Rafe and the boys, drinking, laughing, and just genuinely goofing around. While pouring your fifth drink you look up and watch as a familiar group of pogues walk along the beach, through the crowds of people.

“What the hell are they doing here?” You ask Rafe, pointing towards them.

“I asked them to come. I figured you’d like it if they came. With the way JJ reacted I didn’t actually expect them to show.” He replies, looking shocked to see them.

“Can you hold this for a minute? I’ll be right back.” You give him a reassuring smile while he takes your drink.

You head for your brother and friends, planning to confront them, until a random touron steps in front of you, blocking your view. He must’ve already been there for awhile, as he’s clearly wasted off of his ass.

“Damn girl, where you headed to?” He slurs as you gently trying to brush past him.

“I- um- can you just let me by please?” You ask politely.

“Now hang on a minute,” He grabs your shoulders, “Just stay a minute. You know, you’re one of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen.”

“Thank you, but I have a boyfriend. Now can you please move?” You ask again, more insistent this time.

“What a shame. Surely he’d be okay with sharing though. I mean sharing is caring, right?” He looks up and down your body hungrily, making you shiver in disgust.

“No. Get off me.”

“Don’t be so mean. I’m only trying to have fun,” He leans in so you can feel his breath on your neck. You try to squirm away but he’s clutching your shoulders so tightly that you’re stuck in place. You whimper at the pain his death grip is causing. His lips barely make contact with your skin before he’s harshly shoved off and you watch in a blur as Rafe pins him to the ground and begins to punch him repeatedly.

You blink back tears as Sarah runs up to you and wraps her arms around you comfortingly. From the other side of the fight you see your friends staring at you with wide eyes, clearly they’d just witnessed that entire thing. Rafe doesn’t stop beating on the guy and nobody really does anything to try to stop him anyway. Blood splatters the sand as he screams angrily in the boys face.

“Rafe stop! You’ll kill him!” Sarah yells finally as the guy begins coughing and choking on his on blood. She turns to you softly, so nobody but the two of you can hear, “Y/N you have to tell him to stop. He won’t listen to anybody but you.”

“R-Rafe. Baby, please stop.” You plead softly. Immediately your boyfriend stops and stands so that he’s standing over the injured touron.

“Don’t you EVER lay a hand on a woman without her consent ever again. Now leave or I will fucking kill you,” He spits, watching as the bloodied boy scrambles up off the ground and limps away.

Everyone starts going back to their partying, bored as the fight has ended. Rafe walks towards you and pulls you out of Sarah’s arms and into his own, petting your hair soothingly.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. Baby, I’m so so sorry.” He whispered comfortingly.

“It’s okay,” You tell him honestly. You were a bit shaken up but you felt so much better the second you were in Rafe’s arms.

“Y/N,” JJ says cautiously, stepping towards you.

“Look man. She’s already dealt with enough crap in one night so if you’re gonna get on her ass about being with me then just go away.” Rafe tells him but JJ shakes his head.

“No. I- uh- I came to apologize. Y/N, I’m so ashamed of how I acted. You told me that you were dating Rafe and I just, I just lost my shit. But you’re my sister and no matter what I should always support you and be there for you. These past few weeks I’ve been a horrible brother and I feel so shitty. It’s just that after years of getting the shit beaten out of me by him I didn’t want to believe that you were actually dating him. I felt a little betrayed. These past two weeks I’ve expected you to walk through the door telling me you’d made a mistake, begging for my forgiveness. I was only thinking about myself. I didn’t think about your happiness and I’m so sorry.”

“JJ I don’t know what to say. You abandoned me. You turned all my friends against me. You made me feel like a bad person for being happy.” You reply softly.

“I was angry. Anger does horrible things Y/N and I’m not proud of it but I’ll admit that I got those anger issues from Dad. I know that I can never take back how I treated you these past two weeks but I want to make it up to you. Please Y/N, I know it might take awhile but I’m willing to do whatever it takes until you forgive me.” He pleads. You’d never seen JJ Maybank beg for anything in his life until now.

“What about Rafe? I know you don’t like him and I’m not going to stop dating him.”

He turns to your boyfriend, “I still hate you...but I’ll tolerate you. Seeing how you protected my sister tonight and listening to how you talked about her the other day I know you love her. That’s all I ever wanted for Y/N, for her to be happy and loved. Maybe someday I won’t dislike you so much but for now can we just agree to get along for her sake?”

Rafe nods his head, “Happy medium?”

“Happy medium.”

Taglist (I hope I didn’t forget anybody 🥺)- @butterfliesinthenightsky @copper-boom @khiaraaa-in-spacee @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @jj-maybabe @ilovejjmaybank @starrystarkey93 @outerbanx96 @delinquentstarkey @justcallmesams @starkeysgirl @yeslifeofateen @frankiebcanon @tovvaf

#outer banks #outer banks imagine #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron #obx rafe #drew starkey #drew starkey imagine #rafe cameron x reader #obx requests #requests are closed #multifandom #multifandom imagines #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank #obx jj

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sparklygoblin · 4 years

Text

I've been really into the concept of past lives recently, and I thought it would be really fun to post my take on the Haikyuu pairs, and past lives/historical au's. So here is some steamy, self indulgent T R A S H! This is going to be pretty flawed and there is definetly some movie references in here as well as some historical inaccuracies but I did my best. Also there are no happy endings because I thought that might be pretty unrealistic based on treatment of actual gay men in history.

TW: Suicide, Hate Crimes, Gun Violence

Iwaioi is obviously reminiscent of Alexander the Great and his "best bro"😏 Hephastion. Oikawa was the Grand King, destined for greatness from the moment he was born. Iwaizumi was born among corpses and dirt, exiled to Oikawa's kingdom, a twelfth son, useless. He lived as a lonely peasant, starving, until he joined the king's guard. He liked to tell himself he trained with Oikawa because he admired Oikawa's hard earned skill, and he believed that right up until he died at the end of the prodigy, Kageyama's blade. After intercepting a strike that would've inevitably killed the Great King. He falls, looking into Oikawa's shocked eyes, bright, and full of tears as he cradled Iwa to his chest. Iwaizumi merely sighed, still unable to touch the man he loved, lest he ruin his life by exposing his feelings. He dies to the violent, primal screams of his love, and he becomes distantly aware of a missed opportunity, as Oikawa's reciprocation of Iwaizumi's feelings becomes more obvious with each throat tearing wail. It's clear that he will die without Iwaizumi, but everyone already knew that.

Daisuga has just graduated in the summer of 1967, and they've been stealing moments with each other from the moment Suga transferred to Daichi's school sophomore year. And Daichi hated himself for it, he was quarterback, and he had the prettiest girl in school. So why was he so smitten with this nerd? This delicate pretty boy made his blood run hot and his heart skip. He was in love, and damn it if Suga hadn't made it obvious that he felt the same. Daichi had to put a stop to this before someone found out and it ruined his life. Suga heard it from a freshman, the handsome senior, Daichi was going to marry his girlfriend, Michimiya Yui. It made it so much easier to go to Vietnam when he won the draft lottery system. Daichi came to apologize only to find that Suga was gone. Forever. He wrote. Suga ignored it all. Daichi talked with Suga's mother every weekend hoping to collect any information he could, until the news finally broke, Koushi wasn't coming back from 'Nam. Daichi married Michimiya with an empty heart and dead eyes, the fact that they found Suga's corpse clutching one of Daichi's letters replaying in his mind as Michimiya read her vows. They had three kids, Daichi killed himself on what would've been Suga's fifty first birthday.

Kuroken has been side by side for years, Kenma serving as prohibition criminal Kuroo's right hand man. Kuroo has never shown interest in a woman, the rest of the gang doesn't say a word though their suspicious glances between him and Kenma speak volumes. And they're absolutely right, Kenma is everything short of a mob wife. All pretty hair and violent tendencies, Kenma values no one's life, not even his own, but he can't help but value Kuroo in a such a loving way. They die together, when everything falls apart and the feds are chasing them, bullets shatter the car, ripping everything but their hands apart. Those will stay intertwined forever.

Ushijima was okay with his job, he lived such a sparse simple life, and it was enough for him, the life of a holy man. Until he saw Satori, a young man no older than him, residing in a dark hole of the desolate mental facility he was blessing. The sisters merely dismissed him when he inquired as to why the man was in there in the first place. So he took upon himself to talk to the boy and get to the bottom of this. He didn't mean to fall in love with the beautiful, unhinged and unholy Tendo. He didn't mean to commit the ultimate sin, to forsake his faith, but he couldn't bring himself to regret feeling what he felt for Tendo. The only thing he actually regretted was never protecting Satori the way he wanted to. Never scooping his love in his arms and running away from that foul life. The tears that caught in his throat when he came to Tendo only to find him bald, scarred, and permanently empty, shook him to his core. They dug in his brain and ripped out everything dear to Ushijima, they tore a part that beautiful mind all because they couldn't understand it. Ushijima swallowed his tears, and mustered his courage, he was going to save Tendo now, even if it would cost him his soul. His big hands wrapped around Tendo's throat, and didn't release until Tendo's empty eyes went out. He died years later in a prison cell. Maybe he and Tendo could have each other, in the next life.

The village did not like Nishinoya, nor did his family. He for the life of him, could not be modest and quiet like the rest of the puritans. He did not go to church, nor did he read the gospel, he ran about in the woods, tricky and mysterious. The governor's son, Asahi, can't help but be entranced, he is a scholar after all. And he only follows Noya into the dark wood for "scholarly" purposes, he definetly wasn't thrilled when Noya pinned his large body against one of the dark twisty tree trunks deep within the wood. Asahi comes to two very troubling conclusions that night, the village was wrong, Noya was not a witch at all, and Azumane would never be able to keep himself away from Noya not matter the cost. It was over for them the moment they were discovered, Noya wrapped in Asahi's arms. The villagers convinced themselves that Asahi had been put under a curse by Yuu, despite Asahi's violent objections, and surprisingly brave declaration of love. Noya smiled softly as they touched the torch to his feet, and as the flames ate the innocent man up, Asahi screamed begging the whole village to burn him instead, Yuu was innocent take him instead. Asahi stayed only long enough to press a gentle kiss to Yuu's now burnt face, just to show the villagers their love was true and deep, not the by product of some cheap curse. While they were all in shock, he slipped into the dark wood, and never was heard from again.

Hinata considered it an insane stroke of luck when he secured a third class ticket aboard the ship of dreams, the Titanic. He bid his mother and Natsu farewell, hoping to secure a job in the new world, and make enough funds to secure them a passage to America one day. His shipmate is horrible though, all cold blue eyes and pompous attitude, until one night when Kageyama surprisingly offers Hinata a drink. Not wanting to refuse, they obviously get smashed drunk, and with pretty pink cheeks, Kageyama grabs Hinata's face gently. " i jus' think no guy should be so damn beautiful" kageyama whispers sleepily, and maybe it's the liquor, but Hinata doesn't hesitate to lean in and initiate a kiss. When Kageyama doesn't pull away, Hinata crawls into his lap. They fit like puzzle pieces and now Kageyama can't even imagine wanting to kiss anyone else. They make plans to take the new world on, learning fairly quick that they are stronger together. And then there's water and panic and Kageyama and Hinata are trying to rush a gate because Jesus, there are kids down there. Just because they are poor doesn't mean they deserve to die, but unfortunately someone seems to think otherwise, because the gate remains in place. They finally stop when the water is up to their waists, and a sad looking elderly woman tells them they've done what they could. Tearful children and somber mothers nod in agreement, and it is unsaid that they would go to their respective beds and try to rest so that they might go in their sleep. They lay together on the top bunk and even as the water slips above their heads and they begin to die, their arms hold tight, and Kageyama mouths one last "I love you" Hinata's fingers in his hair the last thing he feels.

Bokuto is in love with an heiress across the lake, he's never met her but is sure she is made for him. Akaashi is in love with a rich man right next to him, but that man sees Akaashi as no more than his lowley servant. Akaashi is in love with Bokuto, maybe that is why he involved himself in that horrible mess. He was always getting involved in horrible messes for Bokuto's sake. It was the height of Gatsby era glamor, and Bokuto, though he never did really like parties, was always throwing them, insisting Akaashi rather than work the parties, served as his right hand man. Akaashi always knew Bokuto was hoping he would meet his heiress at one of his parties, and if it made Bokuto happy, Akaashi hoped she would show up too, no matter how much it would hurt. And eventually she did, along with her husband, and she broke Bokuto's heart after a very miserable and short lived affair, for her it was nothing, but Bokuto always fell so hard and fast, he was distraught. Akaashi acted on instinct, pulling Bokuto into his arms no matter what line he was crossing, and smoothing his hair in attempt to sooth the crying man. Things became clear to Bokuto then. His tears ceased as he breathed in Akaashi's soft scent, wrapping his arm around the beautiful man's waist. They were in love then, finally on the same page for a blissful few months, until Bokuto's affair was made public, and he was found beaten to death in an alley. Despite all of his generosity and glamor in the past years, Akaashi and Kuroo were the only guests at Bokuto's funeral. Akaashi never recovered from the loss, he knew Bokuto wouldn't have wanted him to do it, but that didn't stop the smile on his face as he smashed the heiress beneath his tires.

Tsukishima had been protecting Yamaguchi for as long as he could remember, always getting in fights and taking beatings to protect his beautiful best friend. He knew boys weren't supposed to be pretty, he knew what happened to boys like Yamaguchi in the eighties, but that didn't ever stop him. Not even when Yamaguchi worked up all his courage and told Tsukki he loved him during their freshman year. Tsukki was angry at Yamaguchi for saying that, because he felt the same and he knew that he had to hide it if he wanted to survive. His controlled slipped for a second when Yamaguchi pressed their lips together gently, Tsukki allowed himself to dream one last time before he yanked himself away. He immediately began hurling slurs and abuse at Yamaguchi, things he knew would send the other boy running. And it did. But soon Kei felt an unexplainable urge to go after him, a sinking feeling that something horrible was gonna happen. Yamaguchi did not cry, he held his chin high, no matter how hard the boys hit him or cut him. He didn't care if he died but he wasn't gonna do it staring at his feet like a kicked puppy. Kei found him like that, full of fire and courage as he stared down his abusers. The love he felt made Kei's legs shake, and he knew he'd do whatever he could to save Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi smiled with too much glee for a dead man as Tsukki forced his way to his side, gripping his hand. There were eight of them, with murder in their eyes, Tsukki knew before he even got to Yamaguchi that they weren't making it out of this one.

Lev and Yaku find each other in 1700s France, Lev is a soft pretty boy, living a luxurious life in the aristocracy. Until he is thrown to the wolves after the loss of his parents, he is ten when he spends his first night on the street. He is nearly taken by a brothel right away, until he is saved by a particularly feisty thirteen year old street rat, Yaku is half his height but serves as his protector nonetheless. They pass the years protecting each other, growing to love each other, but never daring to hope for more than that. As many people in France were at the time disease riddled and starving, so were Yaku and Lev. Of course Yaku went first, he made it all the way to eighteen before he succumbed to his disease, clutching a crying Lev, comforting him even on his death bed. After that, Lev made the mistake of having hope, he joined the revolution in honor of Yaku. He just wanted to make the world a better place, a place where Yaku could've survived. He died bleeding from a soldier's bullet on a barricade, but he was warm, all he saw was Yaku, holding him, carrying him into their next life.

Yahaba always talks and Kyoutani might be always listening, but it's hard to tell. Until Kyoutani murders his whole family in 1978. He shows up at the gas station him and Yahaba always have their one sided coversations at to find Yahaba working the counter like he always is. He ignores Yahaba's greeting and begins frantically explaing his situation and motive, all while Yahaba looks on in shock, this is the first time Kyoutani has ever spoken to him. When he asks why Kyoutani is telling him all this, he simply sighs dismissively and says "you're my bestfriend", and that's enough for Yahaba. Clearly he's crazy, a cute boy he's never spoken with is in the back of his car and they're leaving the country. All because Kyoutani actually was listening and not only that, he viewed Yahaba as the most important person in his life. They had been in love from the first one sided conversation they had, and that was becoming clear now. They get caught, sent to different facilities, Kyoutani gets life, Yahaba gets a lighter sentence for being an accomplice. Though they never see each other again, Yahaba always writes letters, and for once, Kyoutani writes back. They spend their lives finally having a two sided conversation, their love never even flickers, and for them, that's enough.

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newagesispage · 3 years

Text

OCTOBER 2021

THE RIB PAGE

*****

We miss U Charlie Watts!!

*****

The Stones performed at a private party for Patriots owner Robert Kraft of all people. The test run looked like just that. Shark jumped. I am becoming disillusioned.

*****

SNL is back with Owen Wilson as first host of season 47. Kacey Musgraves is the musical guest. Episode 2 will have a ridic choice for host. Halsey will sing. I suppose $ is power with the Kardashians. I could think of about 10 million other people to host but more and more Lorne goes for the shiny object , what he THINKS people want instead of taking risk. Beck Bennett is out.

*****

Is everybody watching the Amber Ruffin Show?? I loved her before but now… I learn so much from her show. Sometimes it takes a comic to get to the real serious shit. For example: Have you heard of drowning towns? Towns like Oscarville, Kowaliga, York hill, Seneca Village, Prentiss and countless other black towns that were drowned out to make lakes for the local whites. Central Park was also made after a black community was erased from history. Development displacement? Alleyway dwelling authority? Even those rabid for history can find out new things everyday. Thanks Amber!!

*****

Bob Woodward and Robert Costa are finally giving us Peril !!!!!! I’ve been waiting!!** I was in political nerd heaven on Sept. 24 when Yamiche hosted Robert, Bob and Weijia Jang on Washington Week. All of my favorite pundits all together at one table, my dream team!!

*****

Iman looked great at the Met Gala!! Other great looks belonged to AOC, Tessa Thompson, Maluma, Helen Lasichanb and Pharrell Williams. Gigi Hadid, Kiki Layne, Ashton Sanders, Hailee Steinfeld, Kehlani, Zoe Kravitz, Michaela Cole, Lili Reinhart, Kate Hudson and Shai Gilgeous- Alexander were great. Whoopi Goldberg seemed a bit off.

*****

Jason Isbell is back with his latest offering, Georgia Blue.

*****

I see a lot of Title Max type establishment are closing down. Are they a thing of the past? Let’s hope.

*****

Law and Order is coming back to NBC for season 21. Dick Wolf will own 2 entire nights of television. Some of the old cast is reported to be returning.

*****

Britney Spears Father was suspended as her conservator.

*****

Timothy Chalamet, Rowan Atkinson, Sally Hawkins and Olivia Coleman will star in Wonka.

*****

The 2022 Super Bowl halftime show will bring us Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, Dr. Dre and Kendrick Lamar.

*****

People are doing test runs for school board positions to see if their political ideas will play well for the big leagues. If they don’t seem to work, at least they can sometimes change the rules in their own area.

*****

Joe Rogan got Covid.

*****

Lake Michigan beaches were closed down thanks to a US Steel plant chemical leak.

*****

Is this country the master of endless administrative work? None of us should have been surprised at the red tape that the slowed down the end of the war in Afghanistan.** Uber donated 50k for rides and meals to the Afghans when they arrive.**And why do so many waste taxpayer $ on useless recounts and recalls when people need real help with food and healthcare? They must really hate humanity.

*****

R. Kelly was found guilty of 8 counts of sex trafficking and 1 count of racketeering.

*****

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. – Dwight D. Eisenhower

*****

Texas has put a law into effect to allow most Texans to carry open without permit or training.

*****

Texas has banned abortion at about 6 weeks. Uber and Lyft will pay drivers legal fees if sued under Texas abortion law. Lyft donated $1mil to Planned Parenthood. ** Look for the ruling in the Mississippi law over Roe V. Wade in June 2022.**Hear us roar!** BTW.. Go Jen Psaki!!!!!!!

*****

They seriously banned plastic straws and abortion before assault rifles? – Eden Dranger

*****

Please stop banning abortions, the last thing the world needs is more Americans. –Sarah Beattie

*****

Women don’t inseminate themselves. Vasectomies are reversible. Should every man have one until he’s deemed financially and emotionally fit to be a Father? – Bradley Whitford

*****

90 year old William Shatner will go to space for Blue Origin.

*****

The Q Anon Shaman pled guilty to a felony for obstructing the Electoral College proceedings. I say 20 years and a $250K fine.** 600 others have been indicted.

*****

Days Alert: The Beyond Salem thing was ridic but it was so great to see some old characters. Days is so great at visiting old family. Who can resist Shane, Austin and Carrie, Billie and the old Kristen? I do wish that Peacock would get their kinks out!! Back to the real Days: Are we smelling an Emmy for Susan Seaforth Hayes and Bill?? ** Good to have Abigail back. It is always fun to wonder which actress and or personality it will be. ** Deidre Hall got her star on the walk of fame.**And just in time for Halloween, the Devil is making a comeback. The end of the year in Salem is always the best!! It is so brave to give the 96 year old man the old switcheroo into the Dark Lord. It was fun to see the grandkids discover Grandma Marlena’s story. Delicious!! Hail Satan!!** It is past time for Tate and Teresa to come back to town. Brady needs to be put in his place. And thanks for the Philip and Chloe flashbacks!!

*****

The breakdown of the vaccinated: 90% of Atheists, 86% Hispanic Catholic, 84% Agnostic, 79% White Catholic, 73% White mainline protestant, 70% Black mainline protestant, 57% white evangelical. 1 in 500 Americans have died of Covid.

*****

So Mike Lindell and Jim Baker have teamed up to sell children’s Bible pillows.** Piers Morgan has returned to the Murdoch organization by joining Fox. That sounds about right.

*****

Please stop saying the vaccine does not have severe side effects, I took my shots and now I’m alive and have to keep working. –Mohand Eishieky

*****

In theatres Oct. 22: The French Dispatch.** October also brings us a new season of Curb your enthusiasm and Oct. 17 will catch us up on Succession. Whew!!!

*****

So people under conservatorship are not free to marry who they want? What?

*****

46% of Americans believe in ghosts.

*****

Simone Biles, Mckayla Maroney and Aly Rasiman testified at the Senate judiciary hearing about the FBI’s handling of accusations against Larry Nassar and it was eye opening!

*****

We wanted a no -nonsense Dem who pushes on and does not puss out. I am a bit surprised to see we have it. There are so many pressing issues that I hope Biden works a bit more on Haiti though.

*****

The National Police Act was passed to celebrate cops. Still no police reform.

*****

John Mulaney and Olivia Munn are going to have a baby.

*****

The Emmy’s were a little different this year with more of a Golden Globe look. Cedric the Entertainer hosted with Reggie Watts as DJ. Lots of minority noms but barely a win. It was a white people night. Ted Lasso had a great night. Mare of Eastown took home a few with Evan Peters, Julianne Nicholson and Kate Winslet. Now, Kate is great but how did Anya Taylor- Joy not walk away with that? Queens Gambit did win a couple and gave the longest speech with the seemingly arrogant director Scott Frank who opened up 2 page acceptance. Categories were tough but I was routing for Renee Elise Goldberry and Bowen Yang but perhaps next year. The people in England who had their own party for all the statues that the Crown won seemed to be having more fun! Hacks won for writing and directing and Jean Smart!! It was nice to see the Norm Macdonald love which was barely mentioned by Lorne but celebrated by John Oliver. Colbert ‘s election night special won as did JB Smoove. Hamilton won and Debbie Allen got the big one. I do not understand why real singers and or musicians have to be there for the in Memoriam. It takes me out of it a bit and concentrates the focus on them. Do they think that people will pay attention more? Do they want to keep the home audience or live audience from the bathroom? My best dressed were Anya Taylor-Joy, Michaela Cole who won for I may destroy you, Jean Smart, Josh O’Connor, Kathryn Hahn, Billy Porter, MJ Rodriguez, Keenan Thonpson, Leslie Odom Jr., Catherine O’Hara, Trevor Noah, Eugene Levy, Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys, Bowen Yang, Anthony Anderson, Leslie Grossman, Amber Ruffin, Allyson Felix, Renee Elise Goldberry, Samira Wiley and Rege- Jean Page. My worst were Sarah Paulson, Gillian Anderson, Beanie Feldstein, Elizabeth Olsen and Aidy Bryant. To me the best part of the show was the enthusiasm of Conan and the way he injected himself into much of the evening .He was the show. Go Conan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*****

Next year there must be some Emmys for Sarah Paulson and Cobie Smulders in Impeachment!!!!!

*****

Oh Boy!! The Eyes of Tammy Faye!!

*****

Looking forward to the Electric Life of Louis Wain with Benedict Cumberbatch and Claire Foy.

*****

Abba has a new album!!

*****

Shang Chi is the biggest Labor Day opening with a $71.4 mil opening.

*****

Sen. Amy Klobuchar has announced she has breast cancer.

*****

Is it the 70’s? A streaker ran past the studio of the Today show.

*****

Rascal Flatts Joe Don Rooney was arrested for DUI.** Nicholas Cage was thrown out of a prime rib pace in Vegas after being drunk and disorderly.

*****

Jennifer Eckhart has filed a lawsuit against former Fox news anchor Ed Henry for rape and retaliation after allegedly being handcuffed and beaten.

*****

Scarlett Johansson has settled her Disney lawsuit.

*****

Pete Buttigieg and Chasten had twins they named Penelope Rose and Joseph August.

*****

I noticed a commercial for Dancing with the Stars. Are we onto the E list because I have heard of hardly any of these people. ‘Stars’is really stretching it. And as I post this I see there are some covid issues there as well.

*****

Virgin River was renewed for 2 more seasons.

*****

Trevor Noah is right? Why do they stop giving lollipops to adults at the doctor?

*****

Jon Stewart is back on Apple tv with ‘The problem with Jon Stewart.

*****

Brooklyn 99 had about the best finale (other than Newhart) that I can recall. I had my fingers crossed that Chelsea would be back. Will they honor us like they did in the show and come back for a special about once a year? That would be fucking awesome!!

*****

Don’t expect compliments from an insecure person.- Mr. Pickles

*****

Thousands and thousands of people are in need. Haitian refugees and other immigrants have seen nothing like this what with assassination, a hurricane and earthquake. The Southern border is a mess.** Why does Fox news keep telling refugees the border is open as they sit back and laugh at Biden’s predicament. Spreading false info to intentionally hurt poor, distressed people has no end for them.

*****

Do companies know how fucked up their employment websites are? It is true that some people do not want to work. It is true that people schedule interviews and don’t show up. It is also true that companies have made it so hard to apply that many can’t. I suppose it is easier for them but the poor who may really want to work have a hard time. Paper applications are almost completely gone. The old fashioned way of walking into low paying job sites and finding a connection with a manager rarely exist. Some places only accept texts or have long ridiculous psych tests that a working Mother may not have time for. A Father working many hours already, may not be able to go to the library to get online if they cannot afford a computer. Many websites tell you that there no positions available in your area while there is a huge sign in front of the establishment. Can’t find people to work.. Gee I wonder why?? And treat people with respect once you find them, how about that?

*****

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success. –Jerry Seinfeld

*****

Hey.. There was a van air B’n B biz going that got busted. Hey.. The poor need vaca’s too. It is wrong but If they are willing to sleep in a van, why not. I truly think that many do not understand how much people are struggling.

*****

Free coffee day came and went but only a few places really gave you free coffee without rules to govern the promo. Some places wanted to sell you something else and some made you belong to their club. Starbucks held that customers had to come inside for the free cup of Joe, handicapped or not.

*****

One would think the Republicans would run out of $ for recounts but they have deep pockets. Just think how much good they could do for the huddled masses with that scratch.

*****

Sad to lose Mick Brigden, protégé of Bill Graham who managed The Stones and worked with Frampton, Dylan and Santana.** And the comics were very vocal about the loss of Norm Macdonald. He was one of a kind and he will be missed!

*****

R.I.P. Ruth Marx, Lee Scratch Perry, Willard Scott, Jean-Paul Belmondo, Isadore Bleckman, George Wein, Michael K. William,George Holliday, Anthony Johnson, Basil Hoffman, Al Harrington,Willie Garson, Mick Brigden, Tommy Kirk and Norm Macdonald.

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banditthewriter · 4 years

Text

Trust Is Earned - Charles Vane - 1

For someone who is taking a break from writing, I sure wrote a lot in a short time frame.

This is a 34.4k word fic broken into 10 parts. It is what I consider to be a “fuck canon” kinda fic so there’s that to enjoy.

Warning: Slow burn. I’m sorry.

*gif not mine*

Enjoy!

*****

One of the largest draws of Nassau was the freedom. There was still poverty and strife, people who fought every day to survive, but the freedom was something that couldn’t be ignored. Women free of societal views that required them to be the property of either their father or their husband. Men free of the shackles of polite society, free to sail the seas and create chaos.

Freedom did come with a price though. The pirates ruled the seas and demanded respect with a fist of violence, but that was nothing compared to the rule of the Guthries. They ruled the island with their commerce, able to make and break not only the pirate crews but also the merchants on the island.

For you, freedom was many things. Your store, though small and off the beaten track, was lucrative and gave to you a life of comfort if not leisure. Your parents were gone but their love still resided in you. They had left behind a gaggle of friends that loved and protected you as you asserted your independence.

Freedom was also the choice of who you took to bed. There had been a few men over the years, but none you considered special. The closest to a meaningful relationship you got was the continued dalliance with one of the pirates from The Walrus, the boatswain Billy Bones.

The sex was more than enough to please you, but the man was simply easy to spend time with. The two of you laughed and talked about a myriad of things. He was a learned man and the two of you had plenty in common.

It wasn’t love though. That was one thing you weren’t sure you would find in Nassau, but that didn’t stop you from hoping.

You wanted connection, intimacy, passion. You wanted a commitment, a love that consumed and freed you. As much as you enjoyed Billy’s presence, he wasn’t that for you.

If you never had a love like your parents had, at least you had your store. Affectionately called the General, it was a place where most of the people on the island started their search for things. If you didn’t carry it, you had the means to find it for them. For a price, of course.

Plus you made the best candles on the island. You were sure that not one ship left the bay without candles from the General.

The life you had in Nassau was a good one, a comfortable one. If only you’d known that that was all about to change.

------

There was a man and women in the store, both of them speaking low as they looked over the shelves against the far wall. Normally you wouldn’t have paid them any mind, but you had seen the look on their faces when they first walked in.

Good things rarely followed Jack Rackham and Anne Bonny when they looked like that.

You focused on the pages in hand, orders from various people on the island. You needed to find more mouse traps for the madam of the brothel, Mrs. Mapleton. One of the cooks from one of the ships needed better utensils. The butcher needed—

“Y/N. We have our order ready.”

You put the papers down and held a hand out to accept the piece of paper that was in Rackham’s hand. He held onto it for a long beat while staring at you before he released it. He turned his body towards Anne who was purposefully cleaning her nails with a long knife from her boot.

“Let’s see what I can do for you,” you said as you looked over the order. “Most of this is here in the store, but there are a few items I’ll need to get for you.”

As you gathered the items that you had on hand, you tried to ignore the two of them. Candles of various sizes, an inkwell with an extra pot of ink, a few quills, a thing of chalk, charcoal, paper…

Every item you grabbed from your shelves or cabinets and placed into the canvas bag for the two of them, some wrapped to keep from being damaged. Some butcher paper was packed into the bag for extra security.

As you went about marking the items you still needed to get for them, you noticed that they had approached you once more.

“Is there something else I can help you with Mr. Rackham?” you asked in a polite voice as you scribbled a few notes regarding price, adding up how much you’d need to charge The Ranger crew.

“Oh, nothing in particular. Although now that you mention it,” he said as he tapped his fingers on the counter that separated the two of you, “I believe I heard through the grapevine that you were together with the boatswain of The Walrus.”

“Is that what you’ve heard? How intriguing.” You tore off the half of the page with the amount due and handed it over. “Here’s what’s owed. As always you just pay for what’s being taken today..”

He narrowed his eyes at you before he accepted the paper. You watched as he handed it to Anne Bonny who tugged out a pouch with some coin in it.

“Should I take you avoiding the question as an affirmative?”

You glanced away from Anne and back over to Jack at that. As you were one of the best stores in Nassau and The Ranger was one of the biggest crews, definitely one of the best crews, you had dealt with the quartermaster and his quiet companion often enough. In your time dealing with them, however, you’d never been interrogated before. Your conversations were usually limited to the sale and maybe some idle chit chat.

This was a change you weren’t sure you appreciated.

“There wasn’t a question posed to me. You simply reiterated something that had been observed. However if it had been a question,” you amended because you didn’t want to piss these two off, “I would tell you that no, we’re not together. We simply enjoy each other’s company.”

“Is that right?” He cast a glance at Anne and gave an almost imperceptible nod.

The woman handed over the correct amount of coin as well as a tip which wasn’t required but definitely helped. You thanked them both as you pushed the bag towards them.

With the bundle in his arms, the two left your store without another word. You weighed the coin in hand before you put it in the hidden compartment where you stored the rest.

It was a strange interaction with the pirate pair, but you shook it off. There were more important things to focus on. Like a stack of orders you needed to work on.

------

With the door to the store locked, you headed to the hidden door that led to your rooms. It was made to look like part of the wall so no one knew where it was. You had just touched the handle when what sounded like an entire army began banging on the door to the shop.

At this hour it probably wasn’t an irate shopper or townsfolk. This had to be an emergency. That in mind, you made your way over to the door and pressed your ear to it.

“Y/N? Open the door. It’s me, Billy.”

This was highly unusual, but it was Billy. You trusted him.

You undid the locks and lifted the wooden slat that barred the door. Then you quickly opened it. Billy rushed in with someone behind him, a shorter man with curly black hair. He gave a charming smile that seemed at odds with the look of concern on Billy’s face.

The two of them shut and locked the door and then went about herding you towards the back room. Billy then opened the hidden door that led to your rooms, earning an interesting look from the other man.

“Do I want to know what’s going on? Or who this is?”

The man turned to offer you his hand, that charming smile back on his lips.

“I’m John Silver, a newly acquired… cook on The Walrus.”

You looked between John Silver and Billy who kept shooting glances at the door that led to the shop as if it was going to blow open at any second.

“I don’t have any cookbooks on hand if that’s your reason for coming by after I’ve already closed up shop, but I can find some. Other than that, I think I better demand an explanation.”

Billy came forward, his hands raised as if he was trying to calm down an enraged wild animal.

“It’s not as bad as it seems,” he began, flinching when you crossed your arms over your chest. “The Ranger crew was getting ready to set sail and uh, it seems they aren’t able to at the moment. Things got a little heated on the beach and we thought it’d be a good idea to find somewhere to lie low until the heat died down.”

You let that sit for a moment as you looked between the two of them. Besides the fact that John Silver didn’t look like he’d spent a second cooking in his life, Billy looked much like he had the first time you’d caught him with one of the whores in the brothel.

You explained that you didn’t mind, preferred it really. While you cared for Billy, you knew that you’d never fall in love with him. You didn’t particularly want to fall in love with a pirate. Since then both of you were comfortable enough to find companionship where it came without guilt.

It worked for the two of you. But that first time he’d looked so guilty.

Just as he did now.

“Bullshit. Now I’ll say this again just in case you didn’t hear me the first time. I demand a fucking explanation.”

Billy winced again.

“Y/N–” but you didn’t let him get out whatever pitiful excuse he had prepared.

“You’re a pirate, Billy Bones, and I’ve never known you to run from a fight. If things were heated on the beach, you wouldn’t be up here hiding. You’d be down there with a sword in hand and your brothers at your back. So whatever is going on, I want to know right now, or you and your cook can go fuck yourselves and leave.”

You watched as Silver opened his mouth, obviously about to tell Billy that they should leave, but you knew that that wouldn’t be happening. Billy had brought the two of them to you for a reason. He might be stubborn—he was a pirate after all—but he was far from stupid.

And he knew that you were right.

“It’s a map,” he said over Silver’s objections, “a map that they had that leads to some potentially big prizes. Silver stole it.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose before you looked at the other man.

“You stole… a treasure map… from a pirate? Not just any pirate, but Captain Vane?” You let out a little laugh and then looked over at Billy. “Where did you find this one? The bottom of the ocean?”

“I think you’re missing the point,” Silver tried to explain as a way to divert attention from his folly. “I am currently in possession of something that The Ranger crew desperately want to get back. My plan is to… give it to Captain Flint but he’s not here. Therefore we’re not as protected as I originally thought we’d be.”

The way he said that he was going to give the map to Flint made you think that had originally not been his plan. If the map was for some large prizes, it was likely he had originally meant to sell it to the highest bidder.

Maybe he was a pirate after all.

“And so you thought to bring him to me. Did you think I could hide him under the pit where I make the candles?”

“We just need to keep our heads down until Flint is back from the interior. It should be tomorrow sometime.”

As you started to say that they could stay there, you remembered something from earlier that morning. At the time Jack Rackham’s questions had seemed harmless if a little strange. Now you had to wonder if there had been a reason to them after all.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. This morning I had some of The Ranger crew in here for an order. An order that came with the extra benefit of questions regarding my relationship with the boatswain of The Walrus.”

While Billy usually tried to be civil and polite around you, he didn’t seem to have that issue just then.

“Fuck. Fucking… fuck.”

“Eloquent,” Silver remarked and then nodded when Billy gave him a glare. “I know that this is my fault, but I think you’re forgetting how important this map could be. And that Captain Vane and the rest of The Ranger crew would gladly cut off our heads to get it back.”

You rubbed your temples, urging back the headache that started to grow there. The day had started with such promise and had only gone downhill.

“There’s a door in the back that leads to the woods. If you walk about ten minutes you’ll come to a split where you can either go back to town or to the interior. You’ll need to find a different place to hide.”

Silver shook his head.

“The door to this part of the building was hidden. We could stay here.”

You fixed Silver with a glare that made him step back.

“This store is my livelihood. If the pirates even suspect that you might be here, they’ll tear this building down to the very last nail. I won’t have that happen over your stupid decision, do you understand me? If you are in this building when The Ranger crew gets here, I’ll happily direct them to the very crevice you’ve hidden yourself in.”

You turned to Billy, still fuming over the turn of events.

“I’m sorry Billy. You know in other circumstances I’d do anything to help you, but this isn’t something I’m willing to risk. Not for you, not for some man I’ve never met. I can’t be part of that.”

Billy nodded that he understood. He stepped forward and placed a hand on your shoulder to calm you down.

“I wouldn’t ask you to do that. We’ll take the passage out and head back to the beach. If the crew comes, just tell them we were headed to the interior to look for a Mr. Blackwell. That’ll get them off your case.”

You peered up at him cautiously.

“Is there a Mr. Blackwell in the interior?” You didn’t want to send a bunch of angry pirates after an innocent man.

“Not that I’m aware of,” he admitted with a grin.

He leaned in to kiss your forehead. When he pulled back, he grabbed Silver’s shoulder and yanked him in the direction of the back door you had told him about.

Once the door was shut and you were left alone once more, you took a deep breath. If the questioning was due to the map, you wanted to be prepared. If Jack Rackham and Anne Bonny came back to your store, you were going to be prepared for them.

After this, Billy would have a lot to make up for.

------

The sun had barely started to rise in the sky when the pounding began. You looked up from where you had been preparing tea. It sounded like the door of the shop was going to cave in any moment and you wouldn’t stand for that. You slipped into the shop and shut the hidden door quietly. You made sure everything was in position before you went to the door to let in whoever was out there.

It turned out to be Jack Rackham and Anne Bonny, as you had assumed, but they weren’t alone. In front of them was a man you’d never formally been introduced to, but everyone in Nassau knew who Captain Charles Vane was.

And as he stormed past you and into the shop, you were impressed that for once the stories seemed to be true. He was silent as he directed the other two to start to search your shop, a passiveness on his face that you were sure was faked.

As the other two pirates made their way around the shop, you simply folded your arms over your chest.

“Are you going to tell me what this is about or am I to guess?”

The captain didn’t even glance in your direction but Rackham did.

“Surely you don’t think playing dumb will help you. You admitted to me that you were close to Billy Bones, he stole something from our crew, ergo…” With that he ducked into the backroom to search for Billy, a sword drawn.

“Billy Bones is twelve feet tall, where do you think I’ve hidden him? He wouldn’t exactly fit in the cabinet.”

This time it was Bonny that spoke.

“You live here, don’t ya? Maybe you have him stashed in your bed.”

You rolled your eyes.

“I won’t qualify that with a response.” You looked past the redhead and over at the captain who was still ignoring your presence. Or pretending to at least. “If Billy had come by here, what makes you think I would’ve let him stay?”

“You’d turn away someone you’re bedding in their time of need?” That was called to you from your own backroom. Jack’s voice was muffled, but still clear enough to be heard.

“If I sheltered every man that I’ve fucked when he’s pissed off some pirate crew or other, I’d be running a halfway house. This is my place of business and as I am supposed to be a neutral entity, yes, I would’ve turned him away.”

That drew the captain’s attention. He stared at you for a long moment before he spoke.

“Jack.” It was just one word but the tone made you stand up a little straighter.

That wasn’t him calling Jack back into the room. That was him letting Jack off the leash.

Suddenly a loud crash came from the backroom. It was followed by more. It took only seconds to realize what was happening.

He was destroying your merchandise.

“You fucking bastard,” you yelled as you tried to launch yourself in that direction but an arm around your middle stilled you.

Out of the corner of your eye you could see the brown hair that hung nearby telling you that the culprit was the captain rather than Bonny. You had half a mind to try to land a fist in his face but you figured they wouldn’t be inclined to let you go if you did that.

“Billy, the cook, and my map. Tell us where they are and this stops.”

Now it was Bonny’s turn to start wrecking your shop. While Rackham wreaked havoc on your backroom, Bonny tore reams of paper and broke quills.

“Make them stop and I’ll tell you, but damaging my store won’t exactly make me inclined to tell you the truth otherwise.”

The arm around your middle squeezed as if in warning before he barked out an order for the two of them to stop. You waited for Rackham to join the rest of you before you tried to pull away from the captain. He didn’t seem inclined to let you go just yet so you stopped fighting it and just slumped a bit.

“There’s a path around the back of the shop. Ten minute walk and you’ll see a sign that points towards the interior. They said they were going to a Mr. Blackwell for help.” You said the name as if you were remembering it rather than just relaying it in hopes that it would help your act. “They left just after dark last night so you might want to hurry.”

A knife was swung out and pointed at your throat, courtesy of Anne Bonny. She pressed it tight enough that it probably drew blood.

“Why should we trust you? You could be lying to us.”

Of course you were but you weren’t about to tell her that.

“What part of neutral entity do you not understand? I sell to everyone on this island so having favorites wouldn’t get me anywhere, would it?”

You finally were able to pull out of the captain’s grasp. You marched towards the backroom and scowled at the mess. Then you went around to your counter where you pretended to look over the damage that Bonny had caused.

“If you are lying to us, we’ll be back,” the captain promised in a deep voice that told you this would just be the beginning.

You shrugged a shoulder as you grabbed the pistol you’d left under the counter. You raised it level at the three of them. You might only have one shot, but you’d make it count. Rackham reached for his sword but Vane shook his head and stopped him.

“I’ve given you the information you need, now get the fuck out of my shop so that I can try to repair the damage that’s been done.”

Vane jerked his head towards the front door that they had stormed through. As the three of them slipped out into the morning air, aimed for the back of the store so that they could try to hunt down Billy and Silver, you watched as Vane looked over his shoulder at you for a long moment before he shut the door behind him.

Once you were sure that the three of them had gone, you slumped against the wall and put the pistol on a shelf.

“Really hope that map is worth it Billy,” you mumbled to yourself.

Then you went about fixing your shop.

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#charles vane #charles vane x reader #charles vane imagine #charles vane fanfic #black sails imagine #my writing #trust is earned

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a-place-to-come-back-to · 3 years

Note

If/When you finish listening to the uk tour, I would love to hear your Thoughts on it :D

Why of course!! Please enjoy my mostly incomprehensible thoughts!

-I don’t know if it’s just because I’m not British and haven’t spent my life surrounded by the different accents, but the guy who starts singing spring seems like he’s changing his accent every word -(Is this guy in fact Mole?) -The way Ratty says hello KILLS me just “heloooowww” -“whAT was THAT???” “a KINGFISHER” -Compared to Simon Limpkin the actor playing Ratty sounds very posh and definitely gives off more book Ratty vibes with how laidback he is but I must admit that the vibes he gave me at first were that of being slightly drunk -I’m getting severe whiplash from the songs because I’m so used to the west end cast -I still can’t get over how posh Ratty is🤣🤣and that line in messing about “saAAAAAAY” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 -I do love how Mrs. Otter keeps shrieking when she first comes in -“As soon as he hears our voices he’ll hightail it in the other direction” a full out MOOD Badger, a MOOD -“So you’ve not met Mr. Toad *scream* well you’re in for quite a treat” that caught me so off guard oh my word -Oh the swallows have a short conversation with Ratty and Mole ah the wayfarers all vibes that’s a neat touch. Also I keep remembering at the most inopportune moments that Ratty has a mustache. -The argument they have before Mole leaves for the wild woods definitely seems toned down a bit -I will ashamedly admit that I went pretty much my whole life thinking a boot scraper looked something like a chisel but bent, and it threw me for a loop when they started saying “door scraper” instead of “boot scraper” -“I will dismiss my own butler if he needs to be dismissed” “THEN DIMISS HIM” “thankyourabbitthatwillbeall” -Badger calls Toad Toady and it’s doing things to me -The whiplash between Mole solemnly realizing the foxes would eat Portia and him going “thank goodness you have other children” -The ending of the first act is slightly faster -Oh wow you can hear the chief weasels harmonies so well at the end of taking over the hall and unless I’m mistaken that’s a higher night for “fall” -“What more could I have done to deserve my sentence.......short of m u r d e r -yknow Mole almost sounds Scottish as well -During a place to come back to that last note being low instead of high threw me off -WAYFARERS ALL FEELS???? OH GIMME -Compared to the disc recordings that I’ve been listening to for the past few days rattys “a felon on the run” seemed very cheery -Throughout this entire recording the way that Ratty delivers his lines has struck me as the actor not being able to remember them which the pauses work in some places but most of the time they don’t -DID BADGER SAY BEASTIES OR BEASTS I CANT TELL -“It’s lucky I’m an otter! G I V E I T H E R E” -The friend is still a friend reprise is interesting it sounds like people get beaten up a lot -“TOAADDD” That unearthly roar omw -It is a sweet touch to have Toad be annoying everyone and then Badger still turns around and the defends him but I also like dad!Badge vibes in the west end version where he just automatically protects Toad despite having no idea what’s going on -WAYFARERS ALL FEELS?????

-Overall I really enjoyed it! I adore Mole, Scottish(?) Badger kind of scares me, and I felt bad for Ratty because I kept laughing at him but it was a very nice recording and interesting to hear a different cast!

#the wind in the willows musical #the wind in the willows #uk tour

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ibeatfor · 3 years

Text

evolution

3/24/21

I live by the mountains

And it wasn't even by design. It just so happened that this small little place within my budget was by the foothills of the Angeles National Forest.

It was not even a year ago when a picture of me and my then husband J was immortalized in the local newspaper as we stood arm in arm watching the fire fighting being conducted on the fire raging in our "backyard".

I remember seeing the flames atop the mountains and within a hair's breadth, witnessing in awe and horror as it raced down the spine of the mountain. I think subconsciously I knew we weren't in any real danger as it hadn't crossed the street but I think I must've tugged on Inyo's leash to get him further away from the fire, as if the few inches would've made a difference. It's human instinct to withdraw from a perceived threat. His resistance pulled me out of my head and back to reality. We were (relatively) safe, why not check it out along with the bystanders and news crew that had already begun to gather? It's also human instinct to observe -it's why we inevitably rubberneck despite swearing we won't be the one to hold up traffic like that car in front of us. So we went to check it out with the crowd, 6 feet apart of course. Arm slung across each other, mine around his waist and his casually over my shoulder, we stood there watching helicopter after helicopter dump water on the patches of flames. It was this image that the photographer captured. I recall the mountains looking beat up, barren and forlorn after the fire was put out. The black scars from the ordeal showing up starkly against the blue skies made me feel bad for my beloved mountains, how they must have suffered.

Never could I imagine that months later I would be standing in the same spot alone. This time, it would just be my own two arms clasped about my small heaving self, as if to futilely hold back the overwhelming grief, feeling much the same way I imagined my mountains to look back then-beaten up and scarred.

---

So now, some more months later, as I'm out on my daily walk, I'm struck dumb by the patches of greenery that's peeping up from the mountain face. They're scattered and patchy, awkward like a teenager who isn't sure how much space to take up, but they're green and they're there nonetheless. They grow bravely and defiantly, the scars of their ordeal scabbed over by slow growth. Fundamentally I know they didn't just spring up overnight, they've been budding since the fire was put out but it still catches me by surprise. I know this but I can't help but feel taken aback because as often as I've walked this loop, I never noticed it until recently.

I flinch as I reread my past journal entries, notably the one on January 12th. Not because it’s embarrassingly raw (it is) but because it wasn't too long ago that that memory, was my reality. While I may still instinctually recoil from the memory, I can see that I've kept pace with my mountains. They've been the metronome beating steadily in the background and living by them (by lucky happenstance), I didn't realize they were also keeping me on beat, outwardly reflecting our progress in a gradual, delightful blooming of life and healing, healing and life.

When I see the dare-to-be hopeful patches of greenery bathed in the early evening sunlight, it's human, or rather, Theresa instincts to turn my face towards the warmth of the sun, to soak in its life endowing light myself.

---

3/1/21

Red cross, ActiveSGV let- I paused in the midst of compiling my mental to do list. It felt like a lifetime ago when it was all I could do to perform the bare functions of existence. Did I get out of bed before noon? Yes? Good. Did I get out of bed without breaking down? Yes? Now that was a win. Those were hard days. And while I can get out of bed before noon and without crying more reliably now, it wasn’t so long ago that I can look back without flinching at the difficulty of the memory. The possibility of relapsing, of going back to that place, is always there. But when you feel like your life as you’ve known it is being upended, you count even the small victories. I process my observation of my mid-thought with wonder. The idea that I now tentatively have enough emotional and mental bandwidth to even consider doing something else aside from making it through the day without breaking down sends a small thrill down my spine. Now that was the win of the month!

2/19/21

We’re creatures of habits. So when it’s a habit you’ve known for years, it’s disorientating to shake things up. This past weekend was my first road trip with R and it was enjoyable, despite my initial dread over embarking on a long journey on a Friday of a long weekend (the irony hasn’t escaped me). While it was a great first road trip together, it was also…kind of weird. Even broaching the idea of taking the trip in the first place and then planning it felt strange. I didn’t know how to navigate through these uncharted waters because I’m so used to road tripping with J. We expected to adventure on long weekends because we had established that expectations years ago. It never crossed my mind that we wouldn’t go somewhere on a long weekend.

So while I enjoyed every moment of my first road trip with R, I admit J was on my mind more often than I’d like. It was as if I was leading little Theresa forward by the hand but she kept glancing back at the past, reminiscing on how I used to do x, y, and z with J. The contrast between then and now often induced feelings of loss, longing, and heightened the sense that something was amiss, like I was going against the natural order of things. From past experience, I knew that there was only one place these devious thoughts will lead me to if I left them unchecked. So before we went down that rabbit hole, I’d give her hand as much of a reassuring squeeze as I can muster and doggedly plod on with her in tow -partially because there’s nothing else to be done at this point but mostly because I want to move forward. I can’t say with much degree of certainty that things will be better ahead, but I’d like to (have to) believe they will be.

Initially I tried to convince her not to look back and to keep her eyes always ahead and when that failed, I tried bargaining with her to not look back as often. Eventually, I relented. I allowed myself to look back as often as I needed to and that offered some relief, I was able to free myself from the guilt and the need to always keep my eyes forward.

Learning grace is part of fighting the good fight and that weekend was a prime learning opportunity. I allowed myself to look back and gave myself permission to feel everything -the discomfort from what feels like a physical wrenching of myself out of a comfortable habit and familiarity, the longing for the familiarity, the excitement of the newness, and hell, the plain strangeness of the newness. I’m learning there is space and that it’s okay to hold contradictory feelings. After all, when I’m not an Olympic medalists in mental gymnastics, I’m really a plant with more complicated emotions.

---

1/12/21

Sadness accompanies me everywhere. She trails me.

The death of a dream is always heartbreaking.

Some times I gasp aloud from the pain.

It's not your heart that aches, not for me at least. The pain is a dull, slowly pulsing pain that's nestled right underneath my heart.

I stay in the house until I can't and then I walk, heading north, until I can't. On 1/12/21, I make it as far as the northern grass patch before I have to sit down.

The sun sets as quickly, the sky flares up as quickly as I'm overcome by the pain

I wonder if I appear drunk, crunching leaves and walking until I double over.

Idk who I'm glancing around for but at this point I wouldn't mind a hug from just about anyone.

---

1/1/2021

Rustle, click, thud

I settle in the car with a rustle of clothing and plug in my phone to charge with a smart click. As the phone snaps onto the magnetic phone holder with a light thud, that’s when it usually starts. At night in cold Ole Faithful the rustle, click, thud are the sounds of my thoughts preparing to play themselves out, like the din of middle school orchestra students warming up to play. I used to dread it in the beginning, the thud signaled the arrival of unbearable sadness. Unbearable sadness was like a sharpshooter that always hit the swollen sac of sadness nestled in the hollow behind my breastbone dead on every time. The burst sac would release a mixture of pain that would flood throughout my body to the tips of all my extremities, reaching every nook and cranny. Oftentimes, I’d barely make it down the street before I’d outwardly uttered an unbidden sob and hunch over the wheel in what felt like physical pain, clutching it with all my might, the tears streaming down my face.

But now that the sadness is a little older, and maybe my tears haven softened up its heart, unbearable sadness is now just sadness and sadness stands outside the passenger door waiting patiently -but ever so ominously- for me to invite it inside. I know better than to keep it waiting so it is with slight resignation that I nod my permission and it settles in and buckles up, a faithful companion on my ride home from my nighttime forays. When I come from my mom’s house which is noisy on quiet days, being alone in Ole Faithful with my silent companion makes the silence even louder.

Rustle, click, thud. Tonight, I feel out my thoughts as they parade themselves individually to me and slowly realize that they don’t all elicit as strong of a reaction as they have before. It’s as if my reaction was ammunition and as I became less volatile, the sadness, in turn, became less violent and all consuming -it just sits there. I ease Ole Faithful onto the road and begin my journey home. While I used to dread sadness’s presence, now we sit in companionable silence. I know it’ll be around for the ride for a while.

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