⚠️TW: BLOOD WILL BE SEEN UNDERCUT.⚠️

So yeah. This happened to me yesterday and I'm taking time off school AND work to take care of myself. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and decided to post this now to let you guys know about my health!

Alright, I woke up around 4 am feeling a little tipsy, so I decided to go downstairs and drink some water. But while I was walking to the kitchen, I felt the sudden urge to puke. So I ran to the bathroom, blood was spilling out of my mouth. Why? I had no idea. So while I was running, my legs suddenly gave up on me so I tried my best to crawl to the bathroom. But then one of my roommates went down since they wake up VERY early and saw the blood on the floor to the bathroom. They called out my name and followed the blood trail to the bathroom, only to face me breathing heavily while I kept vomitting blood. The first words I said are exactly what I put in the last panel lmao. I'm clearly not fine but I'm only saying I am so my friends won't worry about someone like me <3.

Bal belongs to: @caycanteven (sorry if I've been tagging you a lot, and especially if it's bothering you. I just can't contain my love for your boi <33)

You don't have to keep posting online even when you don't feel like or when it's too overwhleming. You don't owe anything to the people that read your blog. Ofc social media is a particular world: if you don't use your account constantly or don't choose the right hashtags, don't interact also with the right people or communities, it gets hard to keep your account interactions' rate high and even gain new followers. But your mental health comes first. And you can either schedule some posts for a few days in the future so that they can come up while you're taking a break or you can just be true and take a break openly: there's no need to be fake. Especially on some social medias we are shown perfect and beautiful lives where nothing's wrong but this is not real. Do not let yourself be fooled. Everyone goes through heavy periods, and everyone finds their escapes and ways to cope with them (and ofc to keep posting beautiful things and avoiding the negative completely may even be one), but assure yourself that you are shining a light over what's wrong at least irl: to pretend the negative doesn't exist isn't going to help you in the end. Toxic positivity is not gonna work. Take time for you and take care of you in any way you can.

This comes from someone who used to be some kind of a social media manager for a couple of associations on IG until few years ago: I had to work basically everyday (also on festivities/holidays), plan posts, find the best daytime to post and all. I liked it tbh, it felt nice also to come up with funny ideas and see the accounts grow. Ofc lukily I wasn't entirely alone, but kinda had to do most of the job alone especially towards the end... When a few heavy things suddenly happened in my life, at first I felt that this job was kinda helping me distracting myself, but after a while I realized that it was only adding more work and stress to my already busy and stressed life. So I looked at my priorities and decided to cut it off, in order to focus on what I couldn't give up and on resting too (a.k.a. distracting myself in a different way: doing non-mandatory things and freeing my mind from the need of reaching a certain result/any type of pressure, which I was already experiencing in other stuff daily... basically I diminished the amount of pressure put on myself in those days, by removing the one I had control and a choice over as it depended on me). Maybe the fact that I felt let down by some people (including a few collaborators: I kept interacting with them but ended up having to do most of the work alone anyway), added weight on my already tired and stressed mind and brought me to my final decision to leave for my best intentions. But I think it was a mixture of situations, and most of all, a self preservation mechanism.

Hi Mae! It's nice ask day so I'm here to ask how you came up with the idea to start the @rwrbficrec blog? It's such a great blog and something that's been missing from the fandom for a long time 💖 I was excited to see it when you first popped up!

RAE Thank you so much for this question! ❤️❤️❤️ 

@rwrbficrecs origin story here we go (spoiler alert: it’s not that exciting of a story 😂)

I kinda had one of those days where I didn’t feel like trawling through AO3 and just wanted to read fics off a rec list and I thought I’d go looking for a rwrb rec blog! Imagine my surprise when I couldn’t find one. I thought for sure someone would have started one already 😬

Anyway I was telling my husband about my failed search and I was jokingly like “haha I should make one”. He was like “yeah why not, it’ll be a good project for you.” and I was like “huh maybe I will then 😂”

I brainstormed for a couple of days and we talked about all the spreadsheets and stuff he could do with his coding. He encouraged me some more 😂 and tbh he was right, I did need a project. I haven’t been able to work for the last two years for health reasons and I’d started feeling a bit adrift. It was the perfect thing for me to focus on, and it was nice to be passionate about something again! 

But I was honestly pretty nervous about it. Up until that point I was a lurker in the fandom - I’d been reading rwrb fics for years but I’d spoken to literally nobody in the fandom. I’m a really shy person so I expected to just be quietly making lists and that would be that 😅   

But then everyone was so nice and welcoming?! And then things spiralled from there and I’m just amazed that I went from 100% lurking to running a blog + discord community + making actual friends 🥺🥺🥺 Being able to contribute to the fandom in this way has been so lovely 🥺 Life’s wild and I’m so so glad I decided to create the blog ❤️

tl;dr I was looking for a rec blog, couldn’t find one, husband told me I should make it myself 😂

Hello ❤️‍🔥 Who do you believe would focus on a relationship a lot and who would neglect their partner to focus on career more? (Unfortunetly, it is what it is :()

this is so crazy, i was actually thinking about this but like, about myself. i was thinking about what i'm willing to put on the top of my priorities list and stuff. 🤨 anywaysss...

minseok: he's balanced, i think. minseok seems to me like the type of person to pay more attention to work when it's needed, and then more attention to his partner when it's needed, so no one and nothing could be neglected. the person should be understandable when he has to spend more hours/days away than he would like to (cause honestly if they don't, then they might not be the right one for him).

junmyeon: he's very work oriented, but maybe it's just because he hasn't met the right one yet? i can't see junmyeon stopping, but i can see him slowing down to focus on his family. at some point, i do think his partner/family would be his top priority, but he could never, ever leave his career and his eris behind him.

yixing: absolutely work oriented, i'm sorry. even if he loves his partner to death and wants to have a family with them, i don't think yixing would put his work aside. he seeks wealth and he wants to be the greatest artist he can be, and that's his main goal, that's it. tbh i can only see one thing making yixing slow down/stop and it's his health, and i hate to say it because i love him so much and i worry so much about him and how he overworks himself :( but yeah, his career is his partner for life, sorry to break it to you.

baekhyun: this is a tough one, tbh. he breathes work too and that can be a problem to some people i guess. i think he is or at least tries to be as balanced as minseok, but also doesn't plan to stop like junmyeon. at some point, especially if his partner gets pregnant, he would be all about them and slow down a bit - but then he would miss the hectic life of being a singer, a dancer, a ceo, and would go straight back to business. probably would have both career and partner/family as priorities, side by side.

jongdae: family oriented, and i'm not saying this only because he's already a father. i see jongdae as someone who cares so, so deeply for people, and that just got stronger as he got his own family. he plans to be an idol for a very, very long time - but he might stop at some point, though.

chanyeol: work oriented, but willing to drop some of it if he meets the right person. would never stop totally though, i can't imagine him not doing something, even if it's just producing and composing.

kyungsoo: kinda trick, i guess. at the moment he's very career oriented, he has a goal and i don't think he will stop until he accomplishes it. however, i can see him dropping a few of his activities if it means he could spend some more time with the ones he loves, especially if we're talking about partners and kids. will always be in the business somehow though.

jongin: the most balanced one, believe it or not. he's very workaholic, but he's also the definition of a family guy. can balance both things really well, so he would never make his partner feel like they're being neglected somehow. work and family will always be jongin's top priorities, side by side, no matter what (but tends to lean in the family side if he truly needs to choose it).

sehun: family oriented, he loves his job but nothing is as important as the people he loves. sehun doesn't want to (at least not now), but he won't hesitate to disappear from the public eye for a bit if he needs to prioritize his family or his partner. he's just so so loyal, i love him :(

Hello. I am... kinda screwed? Idk... I left loa recently and I don't know what to do in my life, since I was into since I was in my early teen years (2019) and now I am on my late teen years. I tried it for all of those years and I convinced myself that spending 5 years without having fun and locked in a screen was a good thing. I am so broken with how bad it mad me feel all those years, but I guess that's no one to blame. I still want to be sucessful and have a comfortable life... but I don't see hope in it. I live in extremely dangerous and poor country. I have no pretty privilege or connections... neither a life, tbh. Idk what to do...what should I do next? Anyone who left loa can you please tell me if it gets better? I don't want to suffer anymore...

And also, not much people talk about this, but, even though I just left loa, that thinking remais with me, but not in a good way, I saw a terrible gore video (by accident) and now I can't sleep because my brain keeps telling me it's going to happen with someone I love since I am saturating my mind with it, it's driving me insane.... please help me...I am not a vicitm mentality

I'm sorry you're in such an awful place, anon. Right now a thing you can do is to try and focus on what you can do and change, rather than what you can't.

One thing you can do right now is change who and what you surround yourself with on the Internet. I posted some links to some blogs people might try following over in my post "I'm in a bad place and need to get out, what can I do?"

Unfollow whoever makes your mental health worst at the moment, and follow blogs that help. Reach out and talk to people. Try to make some friends. If you found affirmations useful at all, you might try affirmations like these. Try and find activities you enjoy, if you can - they don't need to be anything complicated.

Regarding the gore video, it sounds like maybe researching help dealing with intrusive thoughts might help? Because it sounds like you might be dealing with intrusive thoughts.

I hope you can get into a better situation eventually, anon. In the meantime, just focus on doing what you can and put your attention on things that make you feel better.

Tye Talks: A Diary Entry

(22/02/24 || 22:58 pm)

Good evening friends, I hope you are all well and having a lovely Thursday! Just one more day till the weekend! Yay <3

Inspired by the lovely @the-winds-of-destiny-xxx , I've decided to start blogging about my day. Hopefully, I will be able to stay up to date lol.

Work

Ugh, I've been up since 5am prepping myself to deliver my second lecture of the semester. It went well, kinda. The students were super interactive which is great. Application + practicality > regurgitating information. They did super well. Also, we have a new HoD, and while I really liked our previous heads, the new HoD is a breath of fresh air and I really enjoy their approach towards education.

My full-time job is actually soooo … atm. My colleague has resigned which is all cool and I wish her the best.

But, there’s a trend I’ve noticed recently within our organization … and I hope it does not present any problems in the future. Tbh, I think it has presented a problem before … but idk. Anyway, constructive criticism goes a long long way … only if you’re keen and willing to learn …. which this person defo is NOT.

Enough about my colleagues, the CEO presented me with an opportunity but I'm lowkey nervous .. bc I prefer being a private + somewhat anonymous person lol, but I obviously said yes. Let's see how it goes, anything can happen and this whole project might fall through. Especially in this economy.

All in all, I really love my job and the career path I’ve taken. I hope it does not backfire on me later on in life.

Uni

Gosh. Uni is the bane of my existence atm. Tho, i did make a bit of progress on my thesis today. I know exactly what I need to do, but I just don't have the motivation to it. But, I think I've finally got myself together .. so let's see what happens.

Also, I'm so grateful for my thesis supervisor <3 she is so understanding and supportive.

Health

Is this tmi? Maybe? Apologies if so?

But, my nose and throat have been KILLING me recently? Idk if it’s bc of the fan or what … but yup. Thank god for cloves! They’ve helped wayyyy more than anything else I’ve tried lol. Also, my pms is really starting to hit 😭😭 I’ve been in soooo much pain since I got back home.

My mentally, I’m doing okay … there’s obvs moments in the day where I’m like shit?? I’m an adult adult?? Yet my life feels so stagnant 😂 but then I try to keep it moving and not think so much about what I want … and I try to focus on what I do have…. bc I’ve done my best.

Fun and mundane

I finally got to go to my first gym class of the week - I really needed that! The housewives from my class invited me for smoothies afterwards … and they are so fun! Are they my mums age mates? Yes 😂😂 but I loved hanging out with them .. they truly live in their own bubble .. I wanna be exactly like them when I’m older lol.

Oh Oh! And I finally finished the second season of Al Rawabi School for Girls ... flip, it truly broke my heart. What an amazing show.

I really wanted to start the new season of Real Housewives of Durban … but the new Showmax app is truly YUCK! I have the ick 🫠🫠 but, I love the show waaaaay too much, so I’d probs get over it soon lol.

Other than gym and catching up on tv, I made a delicious lasagna for dinner. I'm convinced that my homemade meat sauce and cheese sauce remains undefeated, or maybe that's just me being cocky lol. If I had more space, I would have defo attempted to make the pasta too.

I'm super excited for this weekend bc my friends and I are going to this art and music event and getting food afterwards. I also really wanna buy that duvet set I saw online ... since I'm no longer purchasing an apartment (recession boo boo boo 🍅🍅🍅), I may as well just re-do my current apartment lol. It already looks great, but I've been putting off getting a new duvet set bc I presumed I was gonna buy a bigger bed lol... so I've just been rotating between the two sets I have ... and damn they've seen better days lol.

Relationships

After all he has been through, my brother finally has some great things happening. I am so proud of him. I know he will achieve everything he aspires to <3 This has also done wonders for his self-confidence, he truly needed this, and I hope ... I really hope that it stays on this positive track.

Positive family news aside, idk if anyone saw the post about my uncle? But god damn I'm annoyed af. (Side note: He is my mums cousin btw; but my entire family is close). Anyway, my uncle called my mum to rant … and according to my mum he was sooooo proud of what he said to his wife??? I’m just disgusted. Idk how. His wife could forgive him for this. I’m so glad my mum put him in his place ✋🏽✋🏽✋🏽

I know its not about me and I have no right to speak on other people's relationships, but I hate seeing people put their all into a relationship and even go against their own family to be with someone ... only for their partner to treat them like this. His wife deserves soooooo much better and its sooo heartbreaking that she has to go through. My heart truly breaks for her. I pray everything works out for her.

Conclusion

Anywho … if you made it this far! Thank you for reading my ramblings <3 wishing you a lovely day! Stay safe babes 😘

Okay so I've gotten quite a few messages and asks (some of them weren't too nice) because I keep disappearing at times and that I'm barely active anymore and I guess I address the issue here for the individuals that wanted to know.

So uhm I kinda don't know where my relationship is headed since we're going through a rough patch and tbh I don't even know if we're still a couple since we did kinda break up 2 weeks ago. We're trying to fix the issue but it's really not easy since we both don't know how to fix stuff in the past which is affecting the future.

Next to that my depression got worse and I have a hard time even being alive atm so usually I go do things I would usually enjoy on the weekends in hopes I get the spark back.

I've also came to find out that the health of my father is getting a lot worse to the point of where his family is planning his funeral as we speak because the cancer is eating him alive and he refuses treatment. I do not want empathy for this or any well wishes towards him. That man hasn't been present in my life for a majority of it and only is now because his new wife forces him to have contact with his children. I didn't speak to him really in over a year except at my brothers wedding where he told me what a horrible child I am for never reaching out. Still, this whole situation affects me surprisingly negative and I have no clue how I'm supposed to handle it. It's a fucked up feeling, grieving for a person that's still alive and I guess I'm not upset over the fact that he does not have a lot of time left but over the fact that I never got to have a real father.

So yeah. All this is keeping me from writing and being online a lot. Only a few select people knew about it until now but I hope the people who worried are at ease now. I'm alive and I will continue to kick and fight - I just need a while to focus on myself rather than tumblr.

i almost feel like--i'm at the point where i can't really "get more normal," with therapy and practice. i'm not sure if i've reached my limit or just a really long plateau but either way, i feel like my focus now should be on adapting my lifestyle so that it is a comfortable one for my needs.

like: forcing myself to try to be More Comfortable in random people's presence isn't helping me grow any more--i think it's kind of hurting me in other ways. i need to find a way to have a lifestyle where i interact with fewer people at work, and where i can be in places where i can maybe meet a person who doesn't set me on edge.

again, having complex trauma means most people set me on edge to some extent, and i have made a lot of improvement in this regard and kind of think i can't make any more?

and maybe living a more comfortable life each day will continue boosting my journey to self-confidence which will grow my mental health further.

i kind of feel like izzy in izzy, willy-nilly (i bet no one has read that lol) where she does a ton of exhausting physical therapy to be able to support her prosthetic leg, and then she does make improvements but at the end of the day she still has a prosthetic leg and not a real one. like at the end of the day i have a brain that got fucked up so early on that there is no me without it. i'm probably never going to be a person that's just...comfortable around people. so finding a lifestyle where I'M comfortable is my goal, and i think that's going to be impossible to find.

idk. i find this kind of acceptance of myself very powerful and liberating. i remind myself whenever something is getting me down that i'm a person with invisible disabilities that actually have quite an impact on most aspects of my life. or, okay, perhaps virtually ALL aspects of my life, tbh. i can perform some level of neurotypicality very well but at such detriment to myself that i think i've burnt out and have no more pretending to give. i just sincerely don't know how to find a better life. i only have job experience in one particular field and it's a very Social one. i'm kinda committed to my current job through june 2024 (too far away...) but after that i feel like i need to make a change but don't know what or how.

aloha friends and people who left annoying incorrect opinions on my posts, raistlin is a waif he is the waifiest waif it doesn't matter if his twin is a brick shithouse you are WRONG I am kinda sorta back. maybe only for one tipsy night, but who knows. listen, I'm 1.5 ciders in and feeling Properly Tipsy as opposed to last night when I drank jack and cokes for the first time in a while and just felt nauseous, so I'm Thriving atm. ANYWAY.

i feel like i have cleared some cobwebs from my brain. kind of. mostly i redownloaded bc i have the irresistible urge to natter about my life. tbh i considered deleting tumblr for a while bc there are some things about this site (but also social media in general) that annoy the absolute shit out of me, and also i feel like I dedicated too much ~mental energy~ to this site in the past (not to sound like some new age crackpot) and I need to cut down on how much scrolling and getting mad about other people's incorrect opinions I do. However, there are a few beloved mutuals on here that I miss talking to and also tumblr is kinda Home, y'know?

anyway TLDR I'm back, kinda. might still delete the app during the day so I can focus on IRL shit instead of being a zillennial social media addict, so I apologize if I miss messages etc but. yeah. for the sake of my mental health I have to be better at self-policing. Also, no longer going to allow myself to use the For You tab, so sorry if I don't see your posts bc tumblr only served them there. I can't control it lmao. frankly the algorithm here just ain't good enough and I don't want to cry AGAIN bc a video of a naked woman jiggling her stomach with a caption about how much she hates herself and wants to lose weight came up on my feed. Frankly since this is tumblr I'm not sure if that's porn or self-harm, but either way, fuck off with that shit, man! I kinda hate my body too and I don't wanna see that!! I don't want that in my brain!! Hence why I quit and went to ig-only for a while. My IG is all pottery and miniatures and painting and European travel vlogs it's so PEACEFUL!

now onto the fun stuff, a list of things I consider interesting that happened in the past 3ish weeks:

have done a whole lot of reading lately: Homesick for Another World by Ottessa Moshfegh which is weird and off-putting by very worth reading, then a reread of the Unicorn series by Vicki Blum (always a delight) and finishing Princess Jellyfish (there's quite the plot twist in the last few books but overall it's a delightful series), then my hold for Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk came up (extremely interesting and worthwhile read, especially after listening to the No Dogs in Space punk series, very sad ending though bc of course a lot of the punk musicians passed away young), and now I'm rereading The Mermaid's Secret and The Dragon Prince by Vicki Blum as a palate cleanser, and then hopefully I'll start the LoTR reread I've been meaning to do for a while. So yeah I read like 16 books in 3 weeks. this is the power of quitting social media.

Also I've kinda discovered that I'm just pretty... disenchanted with all book-fandoms online. it's just so...kinda annoying? nowadays? just the same old drama over and over and I don't caaaare lol. Read what you want, at whatever speed you want, idc, none of it matters. I read for funsies after work. Some people read 24/7 because being a book blogger is their career. Some people are 17 and still have the mental stamina to read a 500 page book in 2 days. Idgaf if you read Maas or Austen or Sanderson or whatever, there's no moral high ground (except maybe not giving Sanderson money bc WOW BYU is a shitty organization). Also I don't necessarily want other people's opinions on what I read or if a book I just bought has "mixed reviews" or whatever (unless the person is a mutual whose opinions I value lol). So I might start posting on the book blog again but just....not interact with booklr. Torn between the desire to communicate with others and the desire to keep my hobby all to myself and free from unnecessary judgement or bullshit.

Finally rearranged my bookshelves, by ~vibe or whatever~. Might post photos tomorrow but the living room is once again in a state of chaos since I started gardening today.

On that note, started my garden! planted some veggies, herbs, and a whole boatload of tomatoes in seedling trays (listen, MacKenzie seed were on sale 3/$5 today at the store and I'm weak for weird tomato variants and herbs. Still need to find rosemary and fennel though). Have more stuff to do, but I'm going to give the seedlings a couple weeks to get started and then maybe plant everything else Easter weekend. Last year was nice, garden-wise, but this year I really hope we don't get 30C weather in May. My allergies cannot handle it 😭

saw the Alien/Aliens double feature our cheap theatre put on and it was a DELIGHT

we also got a record snowstorm that weekend, which sucked bc it was the same week I'd had a random friday booked off (previously for traveling with my aunt, very glad that was cancelled now) so I basically did none of the other things I had planned.

also after said double feature, had to make my first 911 call. luckily I rot my brain with true crime All Day Every Day so I handled it like a pro 😤 (i am fine it was for another person, and uh, it turned out to not be so serious once the emergency people were able to get them to stop crying hysterically and realized this poor person was just intoxicated, underdressed for the weather, and a bit lost)

discovered the health foods store near my place has a bunch of funky herbal teas for like $5.50 a box so I've been going a little nuts there. I LOVE FENNEL TEA IT'S SO GOOD. ALSO LAVENDER MY BELOVED! they also have a bunch of local coffee blends, and I'm seriously considering getting a coffee bean grinder so I can try them

saw Lisa Frankenstein the week after the Alien double feature at that same theatre, it was fucking excellent I laughed my ass off, also at that theatre you can get your ticket and snacks and drink for the same price as a Cineplex ticket, it's excellent

finally watched Saltburn, which was great. love the Donna Tartt vibes. i watched it while somewhat drunk off Soju, which I think is how it's meant to be viewed.

also started a Ghibli rewatch, to justify not cancelling my Netflix just yet (I know I know, I should but I technically can afford it and it's my emotional support streamer you know? how else am I going to instantaneously watch Gilmore Girls on a bad day?) So far I have only watched Kiki's Delivery Service lol

Also, funny anecdote: last week I got my period and was VICIOUSLY craving alcohol. like I went to the store and bought the most bizarre range of random things (soju, honey jack, and mead...and then proceeded to drink them at my normal rate lmao). Realized afterwards this is a combination of my usual craving for sweet things + my very stressed coworker constantly joking about how we need to crack a bottle of something when this stressful project is finished. At the time however I thought my uterus was trying to make me an alcoholic.

Did my budgeting with my new rent and discovered that I'm actually fine, because I had DOUBLED A NUMBER SOMEHOW! and I basically had $150/month freed up. I'm so smart. I continue to procrastinate my income tax though (shhhh I have another month....)

Started writing a vague story about two women hiking to a portal to elfland, which is located near an abandoned train station. There are cultists called vampires living at said train station who are such a fucking delight to write (not real bloodsucking vampires tho, they are currently eating paella 🥘). It's fun and weird and I'm having a good time with it.

started listening to a podcast called No One Should Believe Me about cases involving Munchausens by Proxy, which is very interesting. the host has a sister with (alleged) MbP and genuinely wants to get her (and of course her kids) help, so it's actually a really good, compassionate take on an issue that's usually played for shock value. I have to listen to it slowly though bc it's Heavy

started knitting again! made 1 dishcloth and started a second. have decided I'm going to take these into work when I have a few done. If my boss won't buy us proper cloths then I'll pawn my knitting practice off on them lol

there is a lot of early road construction near my office since, aside from that random snowstorm, it's been a mild early spring. be glad you haven't had to listen to me rant about that lol

finally bucked up and got a duvet cover for my comforter that was lowkey falling apart at the seams. it's a good comforter aside from some light "my washer is evil" damage so I'm happy I can stuff it into a (less expensive) duvet cover instead of having to replace the whole thing

Aggressively rubs my face, complaining about anything in life feels so tedious compared to what's going on in the world. World events and disasters and genocides and just fucking everything make you feel so small and worthless. Like god damn I feel guilty for thinking how stressed I am because HAHAH COULD BE WORSE, BITCH. WHICH is kind of a weird thing the internet really uh, perpetuates. Which is kinda what people get at when they say take care of your mental health.

Like I'm staying as up to date as I can but it's... wow it's hard to stomach, and it's hard to know what to do when you're in a financial spot lmao... Fucking god damn. Like carrying on like normal is really hard because there's that thought in the back of my mind right now about how upsetting it is realizing so many people can't do that. Will never do that again. It's like tv static in my head lately low key saddening me more and more.

But yaknow that just sounds like I'm complaining about a world event, but it's not. It's just...a profound sadness. Saturating things. I find myself just kinda sitting lately unsure what to be doing that feels... productive in this time. Not really feeling, uh, creative or happy. I dunno. Low simmering fear as well tbh.

That wasn't the topic I was planning to post about uh... FRIVOLOUS UPDATES I GUESS... I USE TO DO THOSE, YEAH? IDK WHO CARES ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE THESE DAYS TBH LOL

Taking a break from Xig because I'm just ..out of it and need the expectations off me for a second.

Having anxiety even checking my art blog because people weirdly correcting me/giving me a compliment that's shorter than a correction and making me come off rude telling them I'm not wrong makes me anxious as hell :))) so I end up avoiding my own haunts!!! How fucky is that.

I am almost done with my small sketchbook?? I was fixing a few pages up before hitting a few dried out Copics, which lead to me checking all of them to see who I needed to fix/replace and uh... relocate them in my office. Which became redoing my pen pouches and seeing if those got fucked up. Hopefully I'll finish that and start scanning. 2018-2023... with huge gaps in there lol...

I miss doing art I liked. Its kinda stagnant atm so I might take the rest of the year to do studies on angles and shit tbh. I need something. It all feels same same.

Uhhh figuring out some dental stuff - bought myself a bougie electric toothbrush and I think my old one's timer was fucked up and making me brush too long?? Which is bad!!! So this new one already has my teeth feeling better 👏 mom's genetics have me terrified!! My teeth feel better after two brushes??? insane.

Getting bloodwork done Thursday so hopefully figuring some shit out about my weight and health :))) I'd like to lose the like 20-45lb I mysteriously seemed to gain over the past few years??? Uhhh??? And figure my periods out, money has just been BAD since Hannibal's surgery....

Having panic scares about if my job is going away in December or not and hating every job listing I see online so I gotta look for whatever listing sites exist outside indeed. Also something this decent with the same pay :)))))) so that's on my todo list... again.

Box spring is busted on my bed, so hopefully I don't have to replace the mattress just yet because of the previous point AND THE FACT I JUST STARTED GETTING TO SAVE FOR MY PC..... first world problems but fuck, dudes. Vakarian is fucking suffering sometimes... :(( but we'll see because MATTRESS PRICES.......!!!

I cleaned my office and room and that made me feel like I've accomplished something for myself so that's... something.

Trying to focus on things. Depression cocktail is going on..... money, job, housing, health, the world... it's all so much all the time, man.

I have to care about something important for me to do well on itZ

I need purpose.

I have been rethinking my path.

For a long time, grad school was my focus and since that didn’t really pull through, i gotta restructure myself

Ate is moving out, and my mom is out. Everyone i doing their own thing and I feel like I’m being left behind. Ive always heels ok bc my sister is here, e have never been apart before. And my mommy is still here. But once she leaves, i know i will feel like a freeloader and an outsider with the Albano famil an i will have to figure out my way out.

It’s scary because I’m growing up and i have to face it. I have to mature.

Ive been following my passion this whole time but reality is catching up to me and i have to prepare myself.

I got myself time with the scenic painting job. I’m gonna do that for this summer, but i think i will have to get a full time job after this

I remember i gave myself a window to pursue what i wanted after i graduated i interned at PES, artist assistance. But these are all freelance jobs and its not stable. I didnt have a job for like 3 months because of grad school apps and jobs doesnt always pop out of nowhere. I just got lucky bc i know so many people. I keep getting freelance job portunites thats why I’m till here. I think I’m gonna keep at it till after this year or after the scenic painting job.

But i already started applying to graphic design jobs etc. of course its super hard and challenging to actually land an interview and get the job. But I’m trying

I think I’ll open myself up to graphic design opportunities or scenic job opportunities i can make art fo tv and film. At that sounds fun . But tbh tech is where the money at, and i have to be realistic and open ymyself up to that.

So thats the plan.

—

I guess by biggest concern is my mental health. I think the only reason why ive been able to be so happy and heathy bc i am doing what i love.

But ive gone through an office job before and it sucks. I’m scared to be in that loop and have an unfulfilling life.

—

I’m kinda sad because I know my art jobs jobs are coming to a close. I can feel it.

I gave myself a window and i feel like it is closing.

Ive worked with mot of the people at PES, how’s many people can i go through and assist for. Thats how i felt the first time around, i felt like I ran through PES already and milked it. I feel like itt’llbe hard to top Damien and Lenny after this one.

But its ok. Things end. But i ill always be so proud of myself for pursuing the arts.

Maybe thats it. I will need a gd job to fund my arts. A lot of peoplee do that anyway

But no matter what i do. I will always be an artist.

-

So thats my options:

-graphic design

-scenic painting

-film/tv effects

-grad school.

But thats whata exciting! I have a lot of options!! I can do anything as long as its creative and i believe i will do well in it!

Catch me resurfacing after 5000 years only to (maybe) slip back away & into the void of space like some kinda cryptid

Also I updated the desktop blog themes for here & my personal bc it’s about time I got off my ass & did that

Anyway

I guess we’ve been long overdue for an updates post yeah? Last one I made was legit Nov 2021... I think I should at least leave another update post before seeing if I’m still around or end up vanishing yet again, lmfao But regardless, getting to the point...

Tossing shit under a read more just so that in case of a lengthy ass post it doesn’t clog people’s dashboards (dashboards? timelines? ...I’ve been mostly on twitter lmao so). TL;DR, life’s come swinging hard at me so it’s kept all of my focus mostly on personal matters, less on art, even with still creating things in the distance despite taking a lengthy hiatus (that’s arguably still ongoing? a semi hiatus now perhaps) so.

So I mean, for starters its kinda. Obvious that I’ve been more active on other social media sites rather than here, & tbh whether I really stick around here for long or end up disappearing back into the depths once more for whatever unforeseen reason is yet to be seen, especially since I only really use this place on occasion (for my mental health’s sake, mostly, whether that’ll change over time or will always remain in this “appears only occasionally” cycle is something we’ve yet to see, but for now... just don’t count on me really being consistently active here)

But even with being more active on other places I’ve still taken a semi-hiatus/hiatus, with a major part of that being attributed to uh. Health issues coming back with a vengeance & tryna crush me lol. I mean that’s, kinda par for the course with chronic illness I guess? But it’s put a heavy emphasis on me having to look after myself even moreso than before, & this amidst still processing some really heavy shit I mentioned in my last update that I won’t get into (bc it’s both deeply personal & very trigger heavy), on top of other things life keeps throwing at me (because of course it would), well I’ve just taken priority on taking care of that & making sure I’m fine &... thus not really being too present on here or anywhere really. Sometimes showing up on occasions because I engage with astrology related communities (since I’m learning more on that & other personal practices I won’t bore y’all with), sometimes showing up to support other artists, but yeah.

I do admit tho I’ve still been creating stuff in the background. Be it practicing with stuff art wise or working on other personal OC stuff or projects, I’ve had that still, & its one of the things that helps keep me afloat whilst also navigating, well, life itself. It’s admittedly been difficult navigating shit also tho because due to my health situation, I can’t really do comms (& I’ve been on break from them due to burnout), so income’s been... troublesome to say the least considering medical bills & all that. So trying to find ways to get that & sometimes getting help from others has been another thing that’s kept me away, but yeah.

Ultimately tl;dr of it is that I’ve just had life itself as a priority above all other things. & it’s bound to stay that way for a while, so yeah. But I still do want to see if, on occasions I’m on here posting art, I can maybe share some stuff around the OCs I’ve worked on/created/etc, as well as maybe lore for personal worldbuilding stuff?

I mean I need to share it on my toyhouse eventually anyway LOL, & AT LEAST on here I can make posts about OCs without being constrained to a fucking 280 char limit per post if I opt to do so 💀 Or see what else I choose to share as well as the art I make from time to time? Especially since I’ve been majorly revamping my own OCs & even with my sona I’ll soon be showcasing their proper ref in full with all forms of them/versions of em, both in & out of fandom but. yeah. Things to come.

Also- do expect more of this acct to start turning more OC focused or, IF I share fancharacters, its more centered around them... It doesn’t mean I’ll stop doing fanart no, since I do enjoy doing that on my spare time too, BUT I want my focus shifted primarily on OC content more since that’s my own personal passion anyway (be it OCs, fancharacters, self ship stuff too, or other’s OCs also) & cause I usually have more to ramble on about when it comes to OCs? So yeah. I plan to also implement other changes later into this acct but I’m presently just figuring that mess out while still being on semi-hiatus so yeah.

I hope all of y’all have been doing well & I do appreciate those who’ve stuck around still despite my routine appearing & disappearing bs lmao, & I wish y’all well also

...This update turned a lot longer than I anticipated but hey, least it’s not me updating at some weird ass fucking hour bc of being wide awake at strange times (my sleep schedule’s still broken as hell) (no its not ever going to improve probably) (Its been this way since 2010) (so don’t count on it improving)

Hellooo!! I just read ur rules bc i don't want to send anything wrong😭😭 can i have match up with TWST? I don't mind what character im gonna get tbh

Ah here some things about me?😭 i apologize this is my first time doing this!!

I like pink, cats,playing games like, corpse party or old otome ones, i love reading and im obssesed with being a Transplant surgeon ( i want to be one when i grow up) i love learning about psychology and many more that have to do with people mind + human body ( not in a dirty way😭😭) i like hello kitty. I love drawing due being an artist. I love sleeping im also pretty lazy i have zero motivation im just pushing myself to do things,,, i hate not being clean or my room not being clean, i hate toxic people, people that bully others or just being mean and i hate stalkers and dark, loud noises, fighting.

I am a girly girl that is obssesed with pink and things like that ( i go by she/her)

I also love cooking!

Im more like a peace person ( if someone saying something bad or anything im just blocking them) im doing this mosty for my health bc i get triggered easily. Um my hobbies are: reading,drawing, learning new languages.

I cant do sports bc i cant run due always hitting knee pain so i avoid any sports.

My personality ( from my friends POV) :

funny, calm and very respectful, kinda stupid bc i say stupid things , lazy , very energetic( only in chat)😭

For my pov: i dont really know my personality or to give an example of what is like, so im gonna write how is it easier to me, im stupid im gonna believe anything others tell me i have high trust issues, mommy issues..( these arent a personality ( i think) but i think i prove how dumb i am💀 ( i also i always go by logic in things)

Uh i cant focus on things i also always lose interest in things most of the time.

My ideal partner type is: a nice person that i can communicate with bc to keep a relationship u need to understand each other, someone that understand me and have some of my interest so we can share and enjoying or time together.

My love language is: able to read a person so i can be able to understand what is wrong so i can comfort them. ( i dont like physical affection im very uncomfy with those so i just give my advice even if they dont need it)

IM SO SORRY I FR HAVE TO IDEA WHAT TO SAY SO I HOPE THOSE ARE ENOUGH!! I ALSO APOLOGIZE MY ENGLISH😭 HAVE NICE DAY/ OR NIGHT ECT🫶

Bro ur English is fucking amazing omg<3 ALSO ANOTHER CORPSE PARTY PLAYER!!! Im still in my playthrough but it's so 🫨🤩funky(/POS)

So Anon I match you with...

Me☺️ (/j /p)ok ok but actually,

I match you with...

Idia Shroud

HELP IDK IT JUST IF I SMASHED YOU NOTH TOGETHER YOU'D BE A GOOD COUPLE! Cat lovers unite! Also like a date night of playing horror RPGs (I think that's what corpse party is considered...) Like Corpse Party, IB, Mad Father, etc... Idia honestly could most likely help with your studying to be a Transplant Surgeon, you could test psychology stuff on him if you asked😭. Would buy you Hello Kitty stuff!!! Would definitely want to see your art if your not shy to showing it! He'll do his best to keep rooms clean, even if he also is a tad bit lazy. Nowhere is dark with him due to his hair... He'll buy random stuff off the internet thinking, 'Oh, she'd like that!'. If you were in the position of Yuu(being transported to TWST from another world.) He'd fake you a doctor's note for Physical Education. He'd do his best to communicate but if he has difficulty verbalizing some things(which he will...) His emotions are easily noticable by his hair and face!

I won't say i was counting the days but eagerly waiting. Because it's been 10 days which is not too long to wait tbh. Because, you kept informing us about your work and busy schedule and we know how much you don't like making us wait. And because I think that you are about to drop Chapter 6.5 this weekend, then I want to tell you that You didn't make us wait. It's just that when we get something really goooood, we just start asking for it, and you have given us drugs, if I tell the truth. I know very well how much 100% you are giving for us. And I don't know how much I thank you for that thing. You know that I always write very long to you. Which is not only to tell how much good your TEACHER'S PET IS but also how die heartedly I want to support you forever. Because i'mma die hard fan of yours. As you may remember I only read novels and I get back here to read your novel specifically. Also that you remotely handle my thoughts occupied with teacher's pet... The reply you gave me last time. Am talking about my previous ask, I saw that you remember my words, whenever I send you asks. I love that I was at your notice. Seriously. Idk if I should tell you or you mind me telling bout myself —I guess you won't mind— that I am about to get engaged this weekend... Oh God. I feel happy and it feels so good telling something about ourselves to someone who really are so humble and you — I Love you. I seriously do love your account and you. All the asks you answer and how much you worry and get us pinned with your updates makes my smile linger.

hey ani ❤️ yes i completely understand the need for updates lol trust me when i read other authors fics i anticipate the updates too! 😭🫶

and it honestly warms my heart that there are even people who are genuinely invested in my story and because of that i try my best to keep up w it and not delay it too much. idk if anyone has noticed but the past 6 chapters have been back to back and as much as the once a week update schedule has been efficient/reasonable it’s also very difficult to keep up with. don’t get me wrong, i LOVE writing teachers pet but i think i love my mental health even more and writing back to back like that is honestly very draining for me, despite the joys writing it gives me. not to mention writing also isn’t my only job so it’s kinda thrown into the chaotic mix which is my life lol

i’m honestly so so happy every time u leave a message ani bb bc it actually does a lot for me, like it’s so so assuring and comforting and i’m grateful you understand ❤️ i’ll continue to pace myself but also try my best to keep a focus on the series. i love u more and i’m so happy to have a fan in you, it rly does mean so much to me 🥹💕

stay well and i’ll be looking forward to hearing from you again like always 😚❤️

I think I can pretty definitively say that I'm finally out of the era of my life where I'm doing literally nothing and on the verge of killing myself everyday. My life definitely isn't perfect right now, obviously, but I think I've finally actually clawed my way far enough out of the pit that I'm not constantly feeling like I'm at risk of slipping into a depressive state again. I'm finally actually doing stuff again, I'm making a lot of progress toward moving out of my father's house as well as transing my gender, I'm not completely apathetic at all times and I've gained a lot of self-confidence, and most importantly to me, I've regained passion for a lot of stuff again, I've started doing 3D modelling again, and I'm learning new things again that I actually enjoy and feel the motivation to continue doing, and I'm actually enjoying a lot of the media I'm consuming! (Finally I can once again feel something when I watch horrible kuso-anime that has no appeal to anyone EXCEPT ME IT HAS APPEAL TO ME I LOVE GARBAGE I LOVE EATING GARBAGE YEAAAAA!!!)

Pretty much since, at least late 2020 but really the dominos started in 2019, I had been extremely depressed, a lot happened around that time that completely left pretty much every aspect of my life in ruin (surpringly not caused by the pandemic at all, although that definitely didn't help), I lost a lot of friends, most of the things I had been working toward in life were pretty much nullified, and a lot of mental health issues I had, and still have, started actually becoming major issues, it wasn't a very fun time. The worst of it was easily 2021, I'm not really gonna go in depth both because, I don't particularly want to remember the details of it more than necessary, and also because it would just be a paragraph of me talking about trying to kill myself constantly and the mental state that led me to do that, and that's not particularly fun or really even important to know the specifics of, but the one kinda good thing I guess about that year was that by the end it got so bad that in 2022 I just said fuck it and started doing a bunch of things that really should not have worked out as well as they did, but by 2023 I had a car and my driver's license, a job, and had regained some of my lost friends, and told the ones that I really didn't ever want to speak to again to [REDACTED]. 2023 was pretty much just a continuation of that, albeit with a lot more stability, almost the entire year was spent focusing on my job and getting as much money as possible as quickly as possible because I didn't really have much else to focus on and a majority of what I needed to move forward in life required a lot of money capitalismamiright. Now in 2024 I have a lot of money saved up, enough that realistically I could probably move out at any time, I'm finishing tying up the last few loose ends of like, basic adulting things that I should've done a long time ago, I have a decently large, stable group of friends, I've come out as trans to like, at least 90% of the people in my life that I plan to actually keep in my life a year from now, I'm still extremely emotionally unstable (I don't think that's going away like, ever tbh lol) but at least now it's in a way where I'm still actually getting stuff done consistently and not just turning into a pile of goo for 3 weeks out of each month, and I'm FINALLY FUCKING PASSIONATE ABOUT MAKING STUFF AGAIN WOOOOOOO LET'S FUCKING GOOOO TIME TO MAKE Bucket of Wet Slop grins.

I didnt even realize that I was in such a significantly better spot in life now until like, really recently, like really really recently, like as in like a couple days ago. The thing that made me really notice it was that I used to pretty much dread days I was off work like, I kinda don't particularly love my job, it kinda fucking sucks in a lot of ways, but also like, if I'm just at home all I was doing was rotting and like, looking at my phone waiting to get called into work anyways so it sucked either way. About a week ago I had 4 days off in a row and like, that never happens, like at all ever, probably the last time I had been off for more than 2 days continuously was like, literally long enough ago that I have no clue when, and before like, 4 days off would be like, bad, like 4 days of not making money *and* still being miserable, but like, those 4 days were great, I popped off I got so much shit done and I felt great while doing it it was so pog, and now like, work's kinda just like getting in my way of getting stuff done, like I actually have stuff I want to do now it's great! Like, I don't plan to quit my job (probably) or anything like that anytime soon but like, it feels weirdly good for my job to actually feel like a job that's sucking out my soul instead of it being the only thing keeping me from saying "off to hang myself, watch and le" because now I once again have the passion and motivation to do things that I actually want to do.

Moral of the story: life is good and capitalism sux :litwickthumbsup:

January 8th

Hi, I’m back (almost started with hi guys, then remembered I have no followers lmao). It's been a week since I posted last, and I think I'm going to start posting every Sunday at 9:30 PM, essentially right before I go to bed. To be honest I don't know how long I’m going to be able to keep that schedule up, I might be taking on too much, but hey, we shall see, things change all the time. 

In the week thats passed, not too much has happened. School started back up on the second, unfortunately, and I’m already drained. Ever since my visit to the hospital, everything is so much more draining than before. I hope eventually I’m able to pick myself back up from this burnout, but apparently, the time it takes to recover from burnout is about 3-5 years. I don't have 3-5 years to heal from all this lol. 

We had a project due the day after we came back to my AP Lit class, our personal portfolio. I had a lot of fun writing it over the semester, but I also hated it. It took me through a lot of emotions and lore related to my past. I talked about my mom, my most recent failed relationship, and my failed friendships, all of which made me sad. I also talked about my grandma though, and my wonderful stepmom, so I think overall it kinda works out in a way. I think the worst part was putting the pictures into the binder. Pictures of my biological mom (you'll hear about her eventually) as well as pictures of my grandma. I may have been a little petty and attacked my ex in the portfolio, which is funny considering hes in that class and everyone can read them. I wonder if he will approach me about it, I doubt it, he's kind of a coward. 

On a much more positive note, things have become slightly more serious with this guy I’m talking to. Some might say it is FAR too soon to be talking to another guy fresh out of a relationship, but it’s been over a month now since the last one, and I’m too much of an all-or-nothing person to be hurt by one guy for too long. Or girl. I just struggle with attachment stuff. ANYWAYS. He’s way different than any guy I've ever talked to, and tbh, its refreshing. He's kind and gentle, but also ambitious and driven. It's something I've always wanted in a partner. I really hope it goes somewhere because he is genuinely so amazing lol. 

This week in the mental health section we have…journaling. Now I know a lot of people just say journal to get your feelings out there but people don't actually talk about the psychology behind journaling, the benefits of it, and WHY it helps. I know this is a pretty basic thing to talk about but its my first post with this little section added so bear with me, it's fine. 

There are a lot of different ways to journal and different kinds of journaling, and it really doesn't matter which one you do, it varies on your needs and what you’re trying to prioritize. I personally bullet journal and have another separate journal for my thoughts and feelings. So a lot of people wonder how journaling can actually be beneficial and I did a lil bit of research and fouuuuund… depending on the kind of journaling you do, it can be either just a release of emotions, it can help track symptoms of mental illness (or physical illness if you suffer from medical conditions, you can track if it’s getting worse or not, especially helpful in cases of people with chronic illness, but again, it varies person to person). Journaling can even help to identify negative self-talk that you may do unknowingly, and you can put in the work to change those negative thoughts into something positive. (All of this information is from a study posted by the University of Rochester Medical Center).

So to focus on the benefits of regular (“regular”) journaling, I’m mostly just going to talk about how it can be done and what to recognize in your journal entries (ITS ALWAYS HELPFUL TO GO BACK AND REREAD THEM EVEN IF IT HURTS, you can see how far you've come, and see what’s changed and whats benefited you throughout your writing journey). Journaling can be instrumental in the progression towards certain goals, as it is an internal reflection, slightly different from a diary, which can be defined as writing about the events of a day, and is mostly a daily thing. Journaling doesn't have to be a daily thing, it can be something you do more often when you’re having a rough time, with long entries full of crossed-out words and scribbles, versus the times you’re doing okay and when the entries are shorter and the words are neater. Either way, journaling is very good for self-reflection, helping you identify triggers and other things that may cause you any amount of emotional stress.

I think my favorite kind of journaling is bullet journaling, which I’ve only been doing for a short while but it’s very different from my thoughts and feelings journal. My bullet journal is something I use to keep track of assignments and also my habits, my reading, and things I've watched, I might start using it to track screen time. I also use it to track the story I’ve begun and this blog as well. It’s becoming very helpful when it comes to the planning of my future and the progression of my goals. I personally never found my thoughts and feelings journal to be very helpful when it came to goal progression, but it’s different for everyone.

One of the best parts of a bullet journal is the creative freedom that comes with it, of course, that’s not for everyone, and some people may simply choose a more minimalistic setup, or they may just not bullet journal at all, but that’s seriously one of the most therapeutic parts. Its a very chill process, I personally stole my setup from a YouTuber who I like, so it’s not my own creativity, but thats something Id like to do someday. 

Anyway, that wraps up this week's post, we shall see how this does, I might mess around with the length of posts, as this one got pretty long. See you next Sunday :)