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#(( everything in her life is complicated because everything in her life is Hard
geochic03 · 2 days
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So just an observation.
I have played OG FFVII several times over the last 20 years and have played Remake and am currently playing Rebirth. I have also played Crisis Core.
I have always thought the game was pretty clear that any "romantic" feelings Cloud had for Aerith was because of the mako poisoning jumbling up his brain with Zack's memories/stuff he told Cloud when they were together. And that any "romantic" feelings Aerith had for him was her connection with Zack and Cloud reminding her of him.
I mean Aerith wrote the guy for 4 years with no response. That is a lot of commitment and a hard love to just get over.
I also thought the game was pretty clear that Cloud had a thing for Tifa when they were kids, and Tifa was intrigued by Cloud. I mean, he remembered his promise when he came back to Nibelheim. I like the telling in Remake/Rebirth better, though. I think it highlights how much baggage the two have and need to work through personal and with their own relationship. But I thought it was pretty clear Tifa was the end game. Cloud finally gets the girl after all that time.
In Advent Children, I think Cloud is hung up on not being able to protect and save Aerith from her fate. Instead of doing what Tifa did, which was soldier on and live her life, Cloud is perpetually stuck in the past. I don't think it was because he was in love love with Aerith, but her death was a manifestation of him always thinking he was a failure. Of course the whole reunion thing was fucking up his mind too.
Anyways, that's my hot take on the shipping wars. I think if anything, we need to ship Aerith/Tifa harder, lol. Especially after Rebirth.
Edit: To be clear, I do think in the beginning Tifa latched on to Cloud as a remnant of her old life before everything went to shit. But I think she grew to love Cloud for who he is/realized Cloud was her person. Her hero. Cloud's feelings for Tifa I dont think ever went away, they just got complicated with his mindfuck from the Mako.
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roboticchibitan · 12 hours
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"If you write sympathetically about a homophobic character you're homophobic"
I, an entire lesbian, acknowledge both in real life and in the fiction that I write that people are complicated and certain people, especially older people, cannot help the environment they were raised in, the parents they had, the dominant values of their culture at the time their values were instilled in them, etc.
From a Buddhist perspective, everyone has their own "causes and conditions," as my teacher would say, that makes them the way they are. We don't choose those things. And it's hard to overcome that early training that becomes your knee jerk reaction to things. You, a gay person, have your own biases and knee jerk reactions that could stand to be questioned. Yes, you.
My grandfather is homophobic. When I came out as a teenager he told my mom that he and my grandma would love me "in spite of" my sexuality. And that hurt! But at the same time, I'm grateful my family didn't disown me, because they are in a fundamentalist Christian cult and they very much could have decided it was their moral duty to cut me out of their lives.
My grandfather was born into a cult. He didn't choose that. Cults are designed to control people's minds. He can't help that he was born to be brainwashed. And despite everything, I would say that he's generally, though not always and not radically, a compassionate person.
He is a weird mixture of conservative and liberal views because he is a complicated man. Due to the cult conditioning, he believes a lot of conspiracy theories. But he also believes in Universal Basic Income and universal healthcare.
He's not all bad or all good, and I love and accept him the way he is, even the parts that hurt or frustrate me. And he doesn't preach to me or make me feel unloved or unaccepted because of my sexuality.
I even visited with my girlfriend a few years ago and we had pleasant conversation together. He even bonded with her over being in the military. He was a conscientious objector during the Vietnam war, meaning he had to be in the army because of the draft but he refused to carry a gun or kill anyone.
People complain about the show Glee but my grandfather watched that show, much to my surprise. And I think seeing a sympathetic gay character go through rejection and the painful fallout of that, as well as seeing the gay character have a loving parent who was trying, had an impact on him.
Acknowledging, either IRL or in fiction, that people are complicated and being homophobic doesn't necessarily mean someone is evil or irredeemable does not make someone homophobic. I know we're allergic to nuance on the internet but I'm going to keep accepting the fact that we can love and have complicated relationships with the homophobes in our lives.
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purplethespian · 1 year
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Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!
So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.
And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.
But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."
I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.
#this post got a lot longer than i meant it to but it sort of turned into journaling halfway through#hopefully people still read it?#hopefully it was not too long to be worth reading?#it's just hard because like. i Already have dealt with a lot of problems in my life#and the whole reason i've been trying so hard to avoid getting covid and getting sick in general#among other reasons#is that i already have Ailments and i don't want more meds to worry about and things that have to be on my radar#and now with this diagnosis it's like yeah i have confirmation so at least the waiting to know is off my radar#but now i have more meds to worry about and more Scheduling that has to be done#plus i've already been pill shamed in the past by my older sister just for taking adhd meds#i don't want to get more shit from her for this#idk dude#just a lot on my plate and now there's more and it makes everything more complicated and harder#at least my boyfriend has been amazing though#he has been so supportive through everything and like he still wants to marry me and everything and it just feels really good#to have his support like that#i know people make jokes about someone talking about their partner and it's just their boyfriend matt#but my boyfriend matt really is my partner in everything and i love him#go matt#everyone applaud for matt#if you read this far into the tags i think you should get a cookie#and i hope you had/have a good day today#also though matt was like 'maybe you should get a cane for times when you have to stand up for a long time' and#idk if i'm ready for that#or if it's even necessary#idk#lots of things#too many things even#i'm tired of there being things#ALSO if anyone read this far and has any product recommendations that made their life easier please lmk
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lieutenant-amuel · 9 months
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Calculating characters’ ages so they fit into the timeline of the fic my beloathed.
#Personal#Was Born To Lead#OKAY#If I calculated everything right Felicia might appear in the flashbacks or at least be mentioned in one of the next chapters of WBTL#I pretend she was Elena’s peer or 1-2 years older/younger than her so she’s around 60 years old in season 3#I need the period of her life when she still danced aka when Ricardo was still alive#And I pretend he was around 30-35 when it happened because he actually looks pretty young#Anyway if he was older that’s not super bad because I can easily adjust my characters’ ages a little#unless he was older than forty tho#And if he was younger it makes things a lot more complicated#Ugh integrating your own characters and the ideas you have for them into canon and make them interact with the canon characters is hard T_T#(only if you care about canon otherwise you can easily screw everything up and be happy)#Honestly I didn’t even think of including Felicia but I recently rewatched all the Spirit World episodes#because I need to remember more of the Spirit World lore#(for reasons~)#and I realized that she might complement one of my characters’ arcs quite well#Complement not expand#And generally I’d like to have more canon characters in my fic even if they’re minor#Ajshdkkd and about Flower of Light again#You’re gonna hear the story of my stupidness#So I needed to find a Latin American dance that wouldn’t be a partner dance because I needed one of my characters to dance it alone#And oh my goodness I found zapateado!!! I spent so much time for that and felt so so smart and proud then!#And then I rewatched Flower of Light#Ricardo and Felicia danced zapateado the exact same dance that I found#I completely forgot they already had this dance in the show#I could easily save the time I spent for searching by just rewatching the show T_T#I felt SO stupid then really :’D#I just should rewatch the entire show to pay more attention to all the little Latin American things they put there#It will make my writer’s life significantly easier
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ravenouswreckage · 4 months
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(( The more I think about it the more I realize there's an unspoken hierarchy to Miranda's partners, a hierarchy that's absolutely more natural to her in both her culture and in being a royal in their own specific subculture, but one that's a lot harder to describe to anyone else.
I think touch is a pretty good measure of it. Miranda does like to be touched and even has a preference for receiving, but most of her partners are discouraged from or just don't touch her. She can touch them and she gets them off, likewise getting off from more sight and a demonstration of her skills and the ability to pleasure someone else, but she doesn't want them to touch her. They are not allowed to touch her, and they are not allowed to enter her. They are her toys and she will do with them what she wants, but what she wants has very specific uses.
Partners that she likes more and is closer to, she allows to them to touch more or to enter her. This isn't to say she can't do so as a form of domination in its own right, but it's a different sort of preference, something that Miranda doesn't talk about. She doesn't talk about it or directly mention it, beyond telling people that they aren't allowed to touch her, or where she wants them to touch, but it's still there. Her preferred partners, those that she likes and wants the most, are most encouraged to touch her and to hold her, or even allowed to get a little rough with her.
Honestly, Miranda has... A complicated relationship with sex. There's already her existing sexual trauma, but then comes the cultural issues adding on top of it, making it hard for her to communicate intentions or emotions or even basic standards and wants. People don't understand things that are simple to her, and they don't understand why certain things are more complicated than they appear. She doesn't know how to communicate to landfolk what a casual merfolk fling looks like and how it's different from what she does with a landfolk, and she doesn't know how to talk about all of the tiny differences that make her tense up with a landfolk but be more than happy with another merfolk. Especially it doesn't help to add in her own trauma, and how her brain manages and compartmentalizes it in a merfolk lens that won't necessarily make sense to explain to a landfolk.
Especially not with how the land can treat her sometimes. It's often very rough for her, coming from a species and a culture which treats sex as a casual thing done for simple bonding and connection without a whole lot of pretense, a subculture which treats sex as a form of agreement that means that she has to be extra careful with even mentioning it without it potentially being used for blackmail or to lie about her, and going up to a place which often demeans her and treats her as an animal for her body and the way it functions, or fetishes her as less of a person and moreso just a sexual object. She can't do what she was taught to do without being labelled a prude, she can't do what her culture tells her is a simple social function without being labelled a freak or only isolated down to a sex object, she can't have sex in a way that doesn't feel upsetting or traumatizing to her without forcing someone through intense discussion of her people that she's not fully capable of doing and that they tell her to just stop before she even gets partially through it all.
She keeps getting conflicting messaging when it comes to social relationships and the merfolk relationship hierarchy, and that extends to sex too, where it feels like things break apart on too many axes for Miranda to ever truly want someone else to touch her.
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ehlnofay · 11 months
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I find that my favourite thing about writing each of my characters varies greatly but with torr my favourite thing is ABSOLUTELY how easily and logically their actions fall into line when viewed through the lens of their priorities and worldview. of all my characters they are the most principled. even in my old shit writing they never do a fucking thing - whether intentional or not on my part - that doesn’t follow this scaffolding that underpins his character. I’ve been trying to figure out for a while how to articulate even to myself how and why he is able to choke a man to death in his sleep from the same headspace and with the same internal logic as he, say, scolds his sister for stealing a letter-opener or incurs a debt to acquire someone else’s medicine, and I think in the end it comes down to this:
torr’s most fundamental trait is their loyalty. there is nothing they would not sacrifice for the people he chooses to commit himself to. and what this means is that the world in his eyes is made up of two groups: those they care about - those they must go to every extent to ensure the safety, security and happiness of - and collateral. every action torr takes is for the preservation and betterment of quality of life for the people they’ve chosen (up to and including joining the brotherhood, before he adopted them into that group as well) and this is an Ultimate Good, the north point of their ethical compass. any and all damage to anyone and anything else in the pursuit of this is not only justifiable, it’s irrelevant. sad, of course - sucks that a random stranger had to die so that the people who matter might live - but simply not torr’s problem. they look after their own, and nothing will ever get in the way of that
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robertsbarbie · 1 year
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hmmmmmm
#[redacted]#i will never have a normal and open relationship ever in my life#because everytime i try to be vulnerable with my mother and tell what is upsetting me#she turns it around and says i deserve to feel that way and maybe if i respected her more she’d actually stick up for me#and literally told me she has absolutely no respect for me and to get out of her face cause me being upset put HER in a bad mood#and it’s like i don’t know what to do i can’t have this crazy flip flop and it’s not even like she wants to hear the good things either#she shows visible annoyance when i try to tell her about my day#or brushes off my accomplishments as if it was pure luck and nothing else#or states how everything lines up with not doing enough somewhere else but won’t tell me how to fix it i’m just#i’m so lonely when i’m at home and there’s nothing i can do to fix it#i have nightmares of her leaving me to burn in a fire#her crashing the car on purpose with me in it of my future spouse meeting her#and her spending the whole time criticizing me to the point this person leaves me#i feel so utterly and completely alone and unlovable which is crazy! because i know my friends love me#i know i’m capable of love but i am so deathly afraid she’s right#and i’m too hard to love#and i hate it i just want a normal relationship with my mother and i would take all the standard#‘complicated mother daughter relationship’ if my mother even tried to act like she loved me#but she doesn’t and i know that and it’s pathetic that i want her to#anyway having a great night as you can tell 😵‍💫#eris: text
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Had my first cry of the semester
And it’s only week two
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arbiter-of-twilight · 12 days
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I got a wackass childhood in that I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused regularly by my mother until about age 9, and after that it slowly became rarer and rarer over the course of like, 4 or 5 years, and now she just manipulates and holds her authority over me occasionally. I was never "poor" or in danger of becoming homeless or anything like that so I almost feel like I don't have a right to say I didn't really have a childhood. But I have never had a lasting childhood friend. To date I have never made an actual friend IRL. I grew up in a place where there were no kids my age around, and I was homeschooled, so the only times I got out were for ballet lessons and going to the store. I never connected meaningfully with anyone. Then we moved and it was piano instead. The 3 kids my age I met there didn't really like me because I was socially awkward and weird, so we weren't friends. We barely went anywhere or did anything fun. We had the money to go out more, we just didn't. Even when my mom took us places to make friends and talk to people (which maybe happened like. 10 - 15 times total across this specific 5 year stretch. So like 2x a year on average.) I struggled to make friends and talk to people because I just. Never had the opportunity to do it. Not on a regular or reliable basis. Anyway all this to say that I only have 1 actual friend right now (other than my 2 siblings who I love very much) and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just fucked because my formative years were ruined. They were supposed to be awesome and exciting and I wasted them on the fucking internet because they never gave me opportunities to do anything else.
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sillysillygoofygoose · 3 months
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Hi hi! Can I request a Toji x fem! Reader who’s really quiet in bed, because of an ex (like, maybe he tells her that the sounds she makes aren’t pleasant and things like that??)
OH MY GOD??!?!? HELLOOO!!! I'M FEELING SO SPOILED TODAY 🤭🤭 yes yes yes yes yes THANK YOU ANON 💗 it's a little angsty AGAIN (don't know what's up with me tbh) but very sweet
Don't Be Shy ★
Everything feels fragile. New feelings, new headspace, new man. Thinking about it made your stomach twist and turn in complicated bows... He's so handsome. So strong. So dreamy. God, what if I fuck it all up?
It was all new... the feeling of his hips grinding up into yours as you grip onto his strong, wide shoulders, biting down into your bottom lip to stop your sounds in their tracks.
"Mm fuck baby, you feeling good?" Toji's grunts and light tap on your hip pulls you from your flurry of worries.
"Uh yeah, yeah, it's really good, Toji." You mumble, feeling your breath hitch in your chest, attempting to hold back you gasps as the pressure of Toji's bulge crashes perfectly with your clit.
"Gotta tell me bubs... I don't know this pretty body yet. Gotta help me learn." He huffs out as your hands travel under his fitted black shirt.
You simply nod, feeling your cheeks warm up as you and Toji exchange the same warm air between quick breaths.
You feel yourself loosen up the wetter you get, biting onto the back of your hand and clenching your stomach, subtly compressing your moans.
Taking a deep breath, you work up the courage to at least talk.
"Okay, fuck okay, I want you inside please." Missing the way Toji smirks, you quickly get your sentence out as fast as possible before a moan can slip out, concentrating hard on keeping your voice as steady as possible.
"Alright, princess, c'mere." Toji flips you onto your back, gently tugging down your pants along with your soaked panties.
You cover your mouth as you feel Toji's hot breath on your quivering pussy, looking up at the ceiling.
Toji's good. Really good. You can tell simply by the way he operates that he's skilled. Experienced.
He's been with other girls. Seen other girls. Heard other girls. And all of a sudden, it all comes back to you.
"Uhm, you don't... you don't have to prep me or anything. We can just do it, I'll be okay." Pushing away his head when you realize he's about to taste you, you situate yourself, sitting up on your elbows.
Toji is shocked as he hovers above you, glaring in confusion.
"Are you sure? I really don't think that's a good idea bubba." Softly, he glides his middle and pointer finger along your slit, assessing if you were even close to being wet enough.
"No, no I'm sure. I'll be alright." Sitting up slightly, you paw at the waist band of his gray sweatpants, watching in delight as his cock strains against the fabric. Pulling them down, you distract him by grazing his tip with your delicate finger, making him shudder.
"Fuck~ alright babygirl..." He mumbles, laying you back down as your legs automatically spread, humping his veiny cock against your heat, getting it as wet as possible.
His sharp, commanding eyes focus on your face as he slowly pushes himself in, attempting to gage any type of reaction from you.
It burned. Really bad, it burned as he slowly stretched you out, feeling like you were being split in half at your core. You laid there quietly, softly breathing out as the pain subsided and pleasure picked up.
The physical and emotional intensity inside your chest suffocated you as Toji began thrusting into you, shallow and slow. It felt so good. He felt so good.
But you couldn't make a noise. You couldn't be ugly. You'd embarrass yourself, you'd turn him off. You'd ruin it.
"You always this quiet, doll? Makin' me nervous." Toji quirked his head to the side, less than pleased as he slid in and out of you and you just laid there, only sign of life being your blinking eyes.
"Yeah, I guess so." You mumble, praying he'd drop it. It's so humiliating. What's worse than being an ugly moaner? Your signs of pleasure are grating and unattractive... at least, that's what he said.
The last man you laid yourself out for, being totally vulnerable with, someone you thought was utterly attracted to you, no matter what. The sex was good... so good that you were moaning and whimpering under him.
God, he was so harsh. You never thought you would be so politely degraded after sex, all over the way you sound.
Tears well up in your distant eyes, and before you even feel it, Toji sees it.
"Shit! Shit, fuck are you okay? Are you hurt? What's wrong bub?" He pulls out of you, grabbing you by the waist and pulling you into his shoulder.
"No, nothing, nothing it's so stupid." You shake your head, wiping your tears as Toji cradles you.
"I should've known sweets, I'm sorry. You've been off. What's on your mind, pretty girl?" You feel the stress building up around you, a warm all-encompassing feeling breaking you down from the inside out.
"Don't want you to think I'm ugly." You whisper into his shoulder.
"Huh? Baby, I'm lookin' at you right now. You're beautiful, you know that." His dark eyebrows furrow as he looks you over.
"No, no. My voice. My sounds. I don't want you to think I sound bad... My ex... he said- he um said that ummm... God this is so embarrassing. Um he said that I sound bad... that I turned him off. So I don't want to um, I don't want you to be less attracted to me, 's all." You sob out, explaining yourself as shame overtakes you, dignity leaving your body through salted tears.
"Oh. What a dumb prick. Don't think about that ass. I want to hear you, you kidding me? Let me hear you... okay?"
Slowly, you nod, detaching yourself from Toji's shoulder, laying back down.
"Okay, bub?" Toji repeats, drawing sloppy circles on your clit with his bulbous head, coaxing a genuine, surprised gasp from your throat.
"Okay... okayy." You gently speak out, a long, staggered breath freeing itself from your system.
"Therrree we go, sweetheart. Just let it out. Such a pretty little girl." Keeping his thumb pressed to your sensitive clit, he slides himself back in, basking in pride as he hears the smallest moan slip from your pretty parted lips. Gotta start somewhere.
"Give it to me, baby," Was the only warning you got before Toji began hammering into your puffy little cunt, forcing gasps and moans from you. Quickly you move your hand up to your mouth to cover your embarrassment, but Toji grabs your wrist, pining it beside your ear.
"Fuck, fucckkk sounds so good baby. Pretty little moans." He praises as he kisses along your jaw, forcing himself deeper into you. He knows he hit your sweet spot when your most blissed-out noise filled the room, signaling to his brain the beginning of his orgasm, bubbling in the pit of his toned stomach.
"Keep moaning like that and I'm gonna fill you up. Fuck, gonna make me cum... you close, bubba? Come on, talk to me." His encouragement works you up even more, making you feel brave.
"Mhm yeah, 'm really close Toji. Wanna cum with you." You moan out as his thrusts increase, then completely still all at once.
Your voice. God, your voice. Just hearing it had Toji gripping onto your hips and cumming on the spot. His orgasm triggers yours, your confident moans almost making him hard again.
"So good. So beautiful. Pretty moans for a pretty girl." Toji grins, breaking the peaceful ambience of the room.
"Wanna hear you for the rest of my life, pretty."
Hope you enjoyed! Xoxo
Thank you so so much anon!! Kisses! 💕
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moonchild1 · 2 months
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park jimin fic rec list (Ⅲ)
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woah it really has been a long time since i posted but i am so glad to be back and to get back into reading i saw so many of my favourite authors have updated and i am beyond excited to start this journey again but in the mean time here's jimin rec list as promised it was so exciting finishing this list cause i got so nostalgic making it and reading all the old fics i had on my reading list ughhh i just loved it so much and it got me back into the swing of things and i cant wait to make more lists, i do have another jjk list ready and i will post it the day after tomorrow so i hope you enjoy this one and don't forget to show all the love and support in the world to these amazing authors they work so hard to create these fics for us and they deserve endless praise and love for the commitment and generosity they have so please do leave them a comment, heart or reblog a small comment can go a long way here and can make someone smile even bigger so dont don't shy away from making someone happy... as usual you guys know this fics i recommend contain smut so minors don't interact you will be blocked... i really do love hearing from you guys so if you do have a little fic you are super into right now and you just want to rant about how amazing it is feel free to send me an ask 😊🖤
a- angst s- smut f- fluff
series
plot twist by @xpeachesncream f s a
↳ jimin isn’t interested in fake dating, but he’s definitely interested in getting to know someone the right way. after all, he feels like he’s ready to put himself out there and give it all he’s got. so, he takes a risk in trying something completely out of his comfort zone and hops on the new, popular dating app - only to come across and get to know someone he didn’t expect to meet.
a remedy for mondays by @dovechim s
↳ all you wanted was just one day off work. but for that to happen, you need to invent a plausible reason. and then somehow, somewhere along the way, things get out of hand, and now people think you’re having a baby with your co-worker Park Jimin after a one-night stand. confused? join the club.
it’s okay, that’s love by @/dovechim f s a deals with deep subjects
↳ People are constantly making some kind of connection with each other- be it friendship or romance. But human bonds always lead to messy complications; commitment, sharing, driving people to the airport, letting them get up close and personal with the darkest parts of ourselves. And sure- it’s scary as hell to watch them cross those boundaries you’ve so meticulously drawn, but it’s okay, because that’s love.
so it goes by @/dovechim f s
↳ Park Jimin knows a lot about humans. of course he does, he studies them for a living. he knows that they say hello by holding hands, and when they say goodbye, they put their arms around each other. but this particular human, he notes, is unlike the rest- stuck in a slump, going about your day praying for the Universe to stage an intervention in the form of an alien abduction. when he decides to finally fulfil your wishes, he finds that you have a little something to teach him about what it means to live life on Earth the way you do: ugly crying, underwear and all. in return, he shows you the possibilities that abound if you simply adopted their mantra: everything is beautiful, and nothing hurts.
love again by @taestefully-in-luv f s a
↳ A friend of yours is eager to introduce you to her new man but what happens when Park Jimin, the man who broke your heart 5 years ago walks in through the door?
the other woman: the seduction and the illusion by @namjooningelsewhere f s a
↳ No one told you being the other woman would never be easy, No one told you that his love would be two sides to a same coin. No one told you he came to you because you were his escape to his demons. No one told you he would always call you his, but he would never be yours. And most importantly no one told you, He never loved you because you dont destroy the people you love.
FUTURE HEARTS by @jungblue f s a ft. jjk
↳ It was everything, from his tattoos, to his touches, to the way sweat rolled down his neck as he strummed into his guitar on stage; everything about him completely enthralled you. So why are you now, two and a half years later, on a train to Seoul, telling a complete stranger the recollection of how you became fated to forever have scars on all of your future hearts due to the happiness, but most of all the pain, that came along with falling in love with Jeon Jungkook. 
after the applause by @foxymoxynoona
↳ Jimin doesn't know how he would have made it this far after the shattering of his world without the support of his thoughtful, generous, helpful neighbor. Hanbyul has lived next to hottie Jimin and his adorable daughter for years now, long enough to remember the wife he was so devoted to and lost far too young. With each safely ensconced on their side of the brick wall of the Parks' grief, it will take an enterprising little scientist to set the stage for a second chance at love.
saved by @to-star-lake s a
rockstar au deep subjects read warnings
midnight memories by @hobipaint f s a
↳ there's drunk habits, and then there's drunk mistakes. What do you call meeting your friend - no, ‘former friend’ - at a bar, getting drunk with him and sleeping- 'accidentally' - with him? especially when everyone already knows that you stay away from him as much as the day does from night?
Easy. You forget about it.
heartbreak chronicles by @sugaxjpg s
↳ Park Jimin had it all — good grades, a place as the soccer team’s captain and, more than that, the broken hearts of at least half the campus’ population. Though, one thing he did not have was someone willing to break his heart and, after you were dragged inside a miraculous plan to play that part, the last thing counted on was the preposterous idea that, perhaps, you could fall for him as well. 
drifting by@hongcherry f a
↳ After being assigned different partners for your midterm routine, your and Jimin’s relationship starts to deteriorate when you both begin spending more time away from each other and with your assigned partners instead.
growing pains by @taleasnewastime f s a
↳ Growing up the daughter of the boss of a gang is never easy, but normally the problems are around being given too many responsibilities, or the risk of being connected to a gang leader, or wanting to escape but not being able to. But you’ve got a different problem, you want more responsibility, want to be like your brother who’s been named heir, want a role in the family gang. Your whole life you’ve been denied what you want, being born a female seemingly your main issue; perceived as weak, naïve, trying to step above your station. But as unsupportive and dismissive as your family is, there is always the bright light that is Jimin; the boy you love but can never have.
tuqburni by @solastia f s a ft.myg
↳ You’ve spent two years building a life with Yoongi who you loved more than anything in the world. Now, his ex-boyfriend Jimin is back in the picture, and Yoongi begs you not to make him choose between the two of you, offering the choice of a polyamorous relationship. Though your heart is shattered, you agree.
stardust by @venusjeon f a
↳ struck by your beauty, Jimin begs to paint you naked behind the world's back so as not to stain your influential family—his patrons—with scandal.
drift by @snackhobi f s
↳ You used to think that there was nothing better than the sensation of coming first place. However, your rival- the talented, gorgeous, dangerous Park Jimin- is more than happy to prove you wrong.
the deli diaries by @jimlingss f
↳ Working at a grocery store deli is absolutely unbearable (and you’re also perfectly aware of how dramatic you are). But it seems like something, or rather, someone might make the job a bit more manageable.
best of me by @xotoosweet f a
↳ when he tells the story of how he met you in a few years, he'll claim that it was meant to be. you'll laugh and call it a coincidence. it was a coincidence that on the first day of summer semester, he decided to go on a run (though he claimed he always ran in the mornings). it was a coincidence that he chose a less traveled path in the university arboretum that morning. and it was definitely a coincidence that you were there, sitting on the rail of the river bridge.
the ten days of ex-mas by @kpopfanfictrash f s a
↳ Three months following the worst break-up of your life, you finally feel ready to start moving on. The world, it seems, has other ideas when you pick up the phone and find your ex-boyfriend calling.
strip by @yoonia f s a
↳ Summary | Everything you have done has always been about surviving life and raising your child on your own. Having someone else caring about you was the last thing you had expected. Especially when that someone is the same man you have watched performing every night on stage and secretly admired. But will he run the moment he finds out about your little secret waiting at home?
falling by @/yoonia s a
↳ For Park Jimin, you are everything he will ever need—his assistant, his housekeeper, his task runner, his fairy godmother. For you, he is more than everything. You have dedicated your life for him and, before you even realised it, your heart belongs to him alone. The only problem is that he is never yours, and you are living in a world that your love for him is nothing more than a fairytale ending. As you are suddenly given a chance to wake up and face the real world, will you be ready to embrace it? Will he be ready to deal with the world without you in it?
wrapped around by @jjkfire ft. kth f s a
↳ Freshman year was a mess and sophomore year doesn’t seem to be looking too good either. You know boys like them are no good for you but maybe they’re just your kind of type
baby, baby by @hobiwonder f s a
↳ When you’ve run out of savings to continue on to the last semester of your Bachelors - you take an unorthodox route. Helping a desperate couple have a child and getting paid for it? Heck yeah. But what do you know - it wasn’t as easy as it sounds.
love at first touch by bagelswrites (ao3)
↳ The first time you meet your soulmate, it leaves a bruise on both of you at the point of contact. From then on, your body begins rejecting any sustenance other than the touch of your soulmate. The trick is, the bruises take a few hours to appear, so you have to figure out who you've touched and find them before you starve to death. But once you do, all you ever need is them. So what happens if you're an idol and you meet your soulmate at a fan event?
our little family by @nightbts f a
↳ you were living a simple life filled with simple dreams; combining your two most loved things in life, children and teaching, you were starting out your career as a teacher at the local pre-school. but little did you know, how one child and her very special father, would change your simple life into something extraordinary
one-shot 35
brand new eyes by @missgeniality s
↳ Jimin’s eyes had potential to ruin you, and tonight you test the damage.
waves by @shina913 s
↳ It's Valentine's Day and your boyfriend decides to spice things up with a little surprise for you.
failure to communicate by @gukslut s
↳ Enemies to Lovers/ College AU
physical by @ppersonna f s
↳ you cant seem to escape the sexy fitness instructor that seemingly is everywhere you turn. it’s enough to make you irrational.
good for you by @candlewaxandp0lar0ids s
↳ Jimin can’t help the way he drowns himself in you. Why should he anyway?
ho-ho-home by @jjungkookislife s a
↳ Golden neighbor extraordinaire, Park Jimin, is (unintentionally) stealing your spotlight this holiday season. Despite your one sided rivalry with him, all Jimin wants is for you to remember him, to remember your past and hopefully create a future with you.
100km/hour by @chateautae s
↳ what exactly happens when you and your friends have to pile into one car for the ride home after an insane halloween party, and you find yourself sitting in park jimin’s lap? especially when he’s dressed as an angel, and you’re in the sluttiest devil costume ever?
what it's like by @jimilter s
↳ You’ve always heard great tales about how good the infamous fuckboy on campus, Park Jimin, is in bed, and wondered if there could be any truth behind these claims when the guy looks like an angel with his cheruby cheeks and precious smiles. So when a new gossip starts to circulate about how ‘hard he hits’, you have had enough of the suspense and decide to finally sample him yourself.
feel your touch by @/jimilter f s a
↳ You have always known yourself to be a sexual switch in bed, flipping between exercising and submitting control according to different situations and partners. And this camboy you are addicted to, one that seems to kinda reciprocate your interest, submits so beautifully that you just want to command him. But when things progress to levels you never anticipated, you end up discovering pleasant surprises that might just change your life.
the prince’s cinderella syndrome by @/jimilter f s a ft jjk
↳ He shows up at Halloween, every year, dressed the same, and leaves at midnight like some Cinderella. You would think he was a prankster if his eyes didn't look like they contained all the sadness in the world. You don't know him - no one on campus does. You don't know why he appears only once a year. You don't know why he never smiles. But you can't help falling in love with him. Even if he breaks your heart when he abandons you at midnight, again.
scream your panties by @opaljm s a
↳ As your midterms have ended and Halloween has arrived, you are looking forward to a pleasant time relaxing and enjoying the festivities at your sorority and Jimin’s frat houses. Luck is not in your favor, though, because things keep going wrong like a trail of dominoes falling – the only upside to your slowly deteriorating day being that you get to end it with your boyfriend’s delicious self between your legs.
first snow, last kiss by @taeshobipop f s a
↳ He broke your heart four years ago; the old loving memories of your time together now tainted by pure betrayal. Yet in the haze of new snow, after returning home for the first time, the moments you had once convinced yourself were nothing but a lie, reveal themselves to be otherwise.
antifreeze by @winetae s
↳ Jimin participates in the school’s adaption of The Nutcracker for extra credit but doesn’t expect his new dance partner to a) be this bad at dancing and b) be this fucking cute
what she likes by @untaemedqueen f s
idol au husband au marriage au
only you by @personasintro f s a
↳  you’ve been always there for your best friend, even when he became a single dad 
sucker by @/personasintro s a
↳ You wish you'd pay more attention to Jimin. Like, how his eyes kept changing color. How cold his skin was, too unrealistically to be natural. Or one second, he flashed you with his sharp canines and the next one he didn't have any. How much he craved for you, but not the way you thought he was.
please, lie to me by @ressjeon s a
↳ "centuries of loyalty vs. only months of fucking, how could you miscalculate?"
summer synchrony by @seokkgenie f s a
↳ childhood friends to lovers
neon seoul @readyplayerhobi f s a
↳ It the city of New Seoul, another homicide isn’t newsworthy but instead just a statistic. But when the son of the mayor is murdered in an alley in a shady part of the city? Then it’s important. You and your partner, Detective Park Jimin, are given the honour of investigating the crime. Will you find out who killed him? Or will you fail?
serendipity by @btsracket s a ao3
↳ It's serendipitous. Jimin braces for darkness but finds his light instead.
the boyfriend concept by @/kpopfanfictrash s
↳ Win a Date with a Porn Star! You saw the sign when you walked in, of course, but you had no idea your friend dropped your name into the raffle. Fast-forward to later that day, when you actually win. You are horrified, of course, with no intention of accepting and setting yourself up for embarrassment. But then you meet Jimin, and decide this might be worth a shot.
Lovely Demons by @/kpopfanfictrash s a
↳ As penance for a crime committed long, long ago, the Witch Council banished you to the feared Tholoss forest. Your sentence was one hundred thousand days of solitude – or death, whichever came first. Your only hope of salvation comes from the demon names routinely sent your way; creatures who escape the inner circles of Hell and pose a threat to the mortal realms. For each demon you kill, days are removed from your sentence. For years you’ve existed, biding your time, until one morning you receive a name which throws your entire world into chaos: the name of Park Jimin, High Prince of Hell himself.
blue blood by @joonbird s a
↳ “Prince Jimin was born with blue blood. His coronation is rapidly approaching, but there are two requirements he must fulfil before becoming a king. He must have the skills to fight in battle, and he must have a Queen with blood as blue as his. You, a member of the royal guard, are assigned to teach Jimin the ins and outs of combat. You are not scared of death, of blood, or of battle. What you are scared of however, is falling in love with Jimin, the one man your blood decrees you can never have.”
i want to be with you by @oddinary4bts f s a
↳ moving to Seoul has always seemed like a good idea, until the bubble bursts when you realize your new neighbor is Park Jimin, and he's not the sweet angel you've always imagined him to be. Will the reality of Park Jimin forever be a nightmare, or will he turn into a sweet dream?
locked in love by @parkmuse f s a
↳ Getting locked in the mall on Christmas eve isn’t ideal, but getting locked in the mall with your brothers best friend that you haven’t seen in a while? Well, it might have been alright if you didn’t have feelings for him.
peaches and cream by @snackhobi s
↳ you wouldn’t mind your cute neighbour being such a shameless fuckboy if a) the walls weren’t so thin and b) he didn’t seem intent on adding you as another notch in his bedpost. 
reset by @/dovechim s
↳ We are made of the pieces of what we remember, and we hold in ourselves the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as there are memories to call our own, there can be no true loss. But Park Jimin has no such privilege. 
the dark side of the moon by @/dovechim s
↳ falling in love at first sight is cliche, not until it happens to you on a dark night in a lonely alley. but you’re only human, while Park Jimin is Alpha of his pack; it could never work out. so you resort to pining for him like a wolf howling at the moon, but when Jimin goes feral, that’s when everything changes. 
Unconditionally by @kstopping s a
↳ Jimin constantly torments you. But you love it.
Instinct by @evangelene f a
↳ A lost child appears into your life only to bring you closer Jimin–a man that you’d thought you’d hated once upon a time. Now all you want is to be there for the child, and maybe his father–but only if his mother gets the hell out of the way.
eternal sunlight by @kidguk f s a
↳ “college and soulmate au where the first words your soulmate will say to you are tattooed on your wrist. jimin thinks he met his soulmate exactly four months after he met and fell in love with you. you can’t explain your attraction or your feelings toward him, even though technically you’re meant to be with other people. taehyung and jungkook helpfully suggest that the universe might be glitching.”
foul play by @kimvtae f s a
↳ Everyone loves a good rivalry, and the students at your university are no exception. Unluckily for you, the rivalry of the decade is between yourself and a furiously irritating Park Jimin. A top gymnast and a basketball star shouldn’t cross paths, but Jimin makes his way into your heart before you can put a stop to it.
lost and found by @/kimvtae s a
↳ The only thing bigger than Park Jimin’s ass is his ego. After one too many scandals, after one too many mornings stumbling back to the dorms drunk or ruining the reputations of other idols, Jimin is given an ultimatum: complete a rehabilitation program in America or leave Bangtan.
if we were a movie by @/kimvtae f s a
↳ Friends with benefits never worked in the movies, but you and Jimin had been friends for so long, it was bound to work for you. Until, of course, Jimin gets a girlfriend, and you fear you may lose your friendship with him for good.
the pull of the tides by @goldenscript f s
↳ The expanse of the deep blue sea has always drawn you in. Each ebb and flow of the tides never ceasing to take your breath away. And now, a boy with hair as light as the morning sun and a smile just as bright does too. 
hard to say by @floralseokjin f s a
↳you've had feelings for your best friend Jimin for as long as you can remember, but you always thought they were unreciprocated. What if it turned out they weren’t...?
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↬looking for pjm library or the other members check out my library
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Text
YOU THAT BITCH
REMINDER
YOU’RE THAT BITCH LIKE I JUST SAID
RIGHT NOW
LITERALLY RIGHT FUCKING NOW
EMBODY YOUR DESIRED SELF
LITERALLY JUST BE HER/HIM/THEY
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE SEXY
BECAUSE YOU SAID SO
AND THATS FUCKING IT
THE VOID STATE IS WITHIN YOU IGNORE THAT MF DUSTY CRUSTY MUSTY ASS 3D BECAUSE BITCH LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING THE 3D IS THE RESULT OF YOUR 4D YOUR 4D IS YOUR MIND THIS IS WHERE YOU DREAM DAYDREAM FANTASIZE YOUR DREAM LIFE ALL THAT STUFF THE 3D RESPONDS TO YOUR 4D SO
SO IF YOU SAY THE VOID IS HARD OR THAT YOU’RE GONNA FAIL THEN YOU WILL YOUR CURRENT LIFE HASN’T CHANGED FOR THIS EXACT REASON THIS IS WHY BLOGGERS SAY CHANGE YOUR ASSUMPTIONS
YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND IS A SPONGE
ITS ALREADY PROGRAMMED TO THINK WHATEVER YOU ASSUME
IT WORKS LIKE THIS
YOU ASSUME SOMETHING YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS SOAKS IT UP
WHATEVER YOU ASSUMED SHOWS UP IN YOUR 3D SO EVERYTHING IS REAL ALL YOUR DESIRES ARE REAL BECAUSE YOU ASSUME THEY ARE
BITCH IF YOU WANNA ENTER THE VOID TONIGHT
DO IT
GET OFF TUMBLR AND GO FUCKING DO IT
AINT NOBODY GONNA DO IT FOR YA BE YOUR OWN WISH GRANTER
YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND IS NEVER BLOCKED IDK WHY PPL SAY THAT BLOCKED FROM WHAT????
THE 3D IS PHYSICAL
YOUR BODY INCLUDED ITS ALL PHYSICAL BUT YOUR 4D IS NOT ITS LITERALLY YOUR PUREST FORM IT IS PURE CONSCIOUSNESS THE 3D IS POWERLESS ITS USELESS ITS JUST PHYSICAL ITS A RESULT
THE 3D DOES NOT MATTER
PHYSICALITY DOES NOT MATTER WHY
BECAUSE IN THE VOID NOTHING IS PHYSICAL SO WHY ARE YOU REACTING TO YOUR SYMPTOMS YOUR BODY IS REACTING STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO THAT
BECAUSE IT IS PHYSICAL!!!!!
THE 4D IS NOT!!!!
STOP THINKING YOU WILL FAIL GUESS WHAT YOU ALWAYS ENTER THE VOID YOU HAVE BEEN DOING IT YOUR WHOLE LIFE WHY THE FUCK YOU COMPLICATING SOMETHING YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO
IT IS DEADASS YOU LAYING THERE IGNORING THE 3D BECAUSE IT IS PHYSICAL
WHEN I SAY JUST “BE” I MEAM JUST BE
CONSCIOUSNESS JUST BE FORMLESS
RIGHT NOW IN THE 3D YOU ARE READING THIS IN THIS VERY MOMENT THAT YOU’RE IN THE 3D YOU ARE IN THE STATE OF “BEING” HOW
BECAUSE YOU ARE AWARE THAT YOU ARE A PHYSICAL BEING A PERSON AND EVERYTHING AROUND YOU IS PHYSICAL
SO ITS JUST LIKE THAT EXCEPT YOU ARE JUST BEING CONSCIOUSNESS
HOW TO DO IT?????
YOU ALWAYS DO WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP WHEN YOU MEDITATE
IT IS NOT HARD
I DON’T WANT ANY EXCUSES
BRING ME SOME SUCCESS STORIES
DO IT TONIGHT
NOT TOMORROW NOT NEXT WEEK BECAUSE EVERY DAY YOU PUT OFF MIGHT BE A YEAR OF YOUR ASS STILL COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SAME SHIT GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASSES AND DO IT I BELIEVE IN YOU GO NOWWW!!!!!!
DO IT TOFUCKINGNIGHT BITCH YOU GOT A NEW LIFE TO GO GET WHO CARES HOW LONG YOU LAY THERE “IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR TWO HOURS!!!!!” OK BUT YOUR DREAM LIFE IS FOREVER
YOU REALLY GONNA GIVE UP HAPPINESS TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT SOMETHING YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO
BE FORREAL
GO GET YOUR DESIRES
I LOVE YOU BYE💗
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lenaellsi · 1 month
Text
if you take "I can make a difference" at face value you simply must also consider "you're the bad guys.” like they are both vital aspects of aziraphale's decision. the problem is not just aziraphale's attempt to lead a corrupt system, it is also his continued belief in the superiority of heaven and angels over hell and demons. that's why crowley was so hurt. it's not just a miscommunication, or a disagreement on the practicalities of changing hearts and minds in heaven--it is a fundamental misunderstanding of morality and of crowley as a person. if crowley had asked aziraphale to come to hell to help fix it and protect the earth, he would not have gone. he says so. it’s not just about safety, or reform. it is about being Good.
and all of this happens because aziraphale is not just motivated by fear and love: he is also motivated by shame. he is insecure in his identity as an angel and a Good Guy, and both his alienation from heaven and his relationship with crowley have always aggravated this insecurity. it’s why shax’s mockery hit him so hard, and why he’s so susceptible to manipulation from the metatron. he desperately wants to be taken seriously and treated with respect and to have power and be an uncomplicated Good Guy, and that is just as much of a motivating factor in his decision as his desire to protect humanity and crowley.
and re: “appoint you to be an angel”: I know people want to insist that aziraphale has never wanted to change anything about crowley, but I’m sorry, I just don’t think that’s true. over and over in season 2 aziraphale demonstrates a desire to sand the rough edges off people and things for the sake of the Greater Good, without consideration for the free will or complex emotions of others. obviously this tendency culminates in the ball, where he exerts control over all of the humans to make everything perfect for maggie and nina, and in doing so, infringes on their autonomy and nina’s (crowley’s narrative mirror!) capacity to feel her own anger and sadness. and he has never liked that crowley is a demon. in his mind, the problem has always been that crowley was put in the wrong category, not that the entire system of dividing people and angels into Good and Bad is ridiculous. that’s the exact lesson he needs to learn.
and yes, his intentions are good, absolutely. I don’t think aziraphale ever acts out of malice, and I do think he genuinely wants the best for the people around him, particularly crowley. after all, if crowley is accepted as an angel again, as aziraphale has always secretly considered him to be, their relationship can (in his mind) finally stop being so fraught with danger and conflict. (the other side of that, of course, is that aziraphale can also stop being so ashamed for loving someone who is supposed to be Bad, and everything in his life will make sense again, the way it hasn’t since he met that star maker who got so upset about god’s plan.)
but that’s not who crowley is, and it never has been. even before he fell, crowley’s recklessness and relentless questions made aziraphale uncomfortable. their relationship has never been safe or easy, and in wanting to make it so, aziraphale is demonstrating a desire to change the parts of crowley that led to his fall, whether he intends to or not.
I’m rambling, but the point is: the insistence on reframing this moment as a purely selfless, calculated, self-sacrificing decision by aziraphale to protect crowley and the world ignores the uglier parts of the things he said in order to make their eventual reconciliation less complicated, and it’s really frustrating to me. crowley is in fact right to be upset by what he said, and it’s not just a misunderstanding that can be fixed with aziraphale saying “I was only trying to protect you!” and another kiss. it’s a culmination of all of the double think aziraphale has been doing in order to preserve his vision of heaven as The Source Of Truth And Light And Good since before the beginning of time, and it’s time for him to finally unpack it.
(and because every post on the final fifteen needs a disclaimer: aziraphale is trying his best and has an incredible amount of love in his heart and wants so badly to do good and ALSO the things he says, does, and believes can be incredibly hurtful and destructive. all of these things can be true.)
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erideights · 8 months
Text
Little pieces here and there (3)
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Pairing: Buggy x Fem!Reader (One Piece Live Action)
Chapters: one, two, four, five
Word Count: around 2K again.
Warnings: minimum context of the arlong park part of the story (background), MUTUAL FLIRTING, forbiden pinning of them both, Buggy has his body back *wiggling eyebrows*, sexy times
A/N: devil works hard but i'm working harder, every 5 free min i have from work/class/practices i'm writing on my phone, i'ts actually insane and i love it (ROAD TO CHAPTER 4?? If you like this one and want the next one, please let me know!)
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Oh, he was mad. He was really mad.
Maybe "sexually frustrated" was a way more accurate term given the circumstances but the feeling was so strong, so visceral, he was sure he was reaching a point where jumping to the sea to end that agony -even if a bit exaggerated, like him always, everywhere and for everything- was justified.
Somewhere in Arlong Park, Buggy could feel the boner pressing his pants, demanding to be satisfied; dirty talk was one of his true passions and when (Y/N) played that card on him, being capable of picturing himself with her on his lap, that damn woman so -actually- close to his face in that moment he was already tasting her lips, her low, smooth voice driving him insane, he could not help it, but get turned on so easily and so strong is been hours, and he's still mad, incapable of stop thinking about that.
That is, perhaps, the reason he feels relief as soon as the sun rises and Usopp is back on the helm again, asking for directions as Buggy, in fact, demands to go faster. Like instead of slicing and dicing his body, his power could control the wind that propelled the boat or the force of the waves against the hull.
(Y/N) ran away just after such a -even if brief- conversation. She may have broken his balls with that dirty trick, but she was equally a victim of her own game. She knew what to say to push Buggy and leave him so stunned -to speak- that the poor clown didn't have the chance to fight back at that moment, not without his body to help him keep her in that kitchen, lift her up on the counter, force her to back down, regret even thinking she could do that to him, and then, only then, yes, fuck her until she wakes up the rest of her little and - according to him - pathetic crew with her moans.
Or so the girl imagined, leaning against the door of her room, eyes closed, heart slightly racing, fighting the temptation to lie down on the bed and masturbate thinking about what had just happened.
Which included him. Him!! What the hell, was she actually losing her mind? All that damn flirting had really gotten into her, for fucks sake, because regardless of her finding him quite interesting when they met, this attraction was something else.
Lately everything around her was something else. Did she really think through the decision of leaving her mercenary life behind and follow those kids to the Grand Line? Did she really think through the decision of flirting back with a psychopath clown?
Because in the end it's just that, right? Flirting. Was nothing else, is nothing else, and will be nothing else. She doesn’t want it to be something more, that's for sure; there's no need for unnecessary complications and extra headaches. In the meantime, it's fun, a bit of a backfire kind of situation, a bit -sexually- frustrating, but fun.
After a good ol' resting night and already some hours into the new day, (Y/N) notices that it's been a lot, since their encounter in the kitchen to be precise, that Buggy not only doesn't flirt with her, but doesn't talk that much or even look at her as amazed as before. Of course, he is, also, way less annoying, which Zoro subtly points out clearly pleased with how calm, nice and silent this morning is.
At some point she shakes her head, knowing, or at least guessing, the reason for this behavior, so she decides to check no one's around and the rudder is locked in the right direction, and then goes to where the bag with his head is, closed probably by the sniper when he got the last indications he needed from him. She opens it, lowering it until the clown's head is free on top of that barrel.
"How are you doing, Bugs?" she starts with a funny little smile, looking intently at him as she leans her back forward to leave her face level with his. "It's been hours I don't hear your raspy voice, I'm starting to miss it."
Silence. Absolute indifference besides the sidelong glance he gives her because let's face it, Buggy is annoyingly proud, extremely, exaggeratedly, but he loves attention. He likes nothing more than receiving it, no matter where, when, and from who, and she could see it as soon as they met.
"Also your silly nicknames for me" She grants, giving in. She would also be mad as hell if someone leaves her as horny as she knew she left him, so she doesn't have any problem being the one to start the tug-war this time.
"Already tired of the shidiots?" He finally asks, almost drily, after a minute; now he is the one to play difficult, huh? "No wonder, they don't even know where to start being pirates."
"Oh, of course, because no one compares to the famous Buggy The Clown, the colorful nightmare or the East Blue." Playful, she retreats a bit, resting her hip in the barrel, arms crossed over her chest.
"Quit the sarcasm doll, you know I'm right." Well, he was, in fact, right. None of them had real experience in the whole i-wanna-become-a-pirate thing, still, they were doing pretty good to be newbies. She was quite proud of them.
"I cannot wait to have my body back" he then murmurs, adding before she could say anything else about her new friends. "To do what?" She asks, you know, like she didn't know.
"Take a guess"
"Recover your spotlight? Find a new crew and a way to enter the Grand Line to go search the One Piece and be the king of the pirates?" (Y/N) mocks, clearly enjoying being the annoying one this time.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah'' Buggy rolls his eyes, scoffing. ''All that, but not before making you regret what you did last night." To that accusation she gasps, resting her right hand over her chest "What did I do last night?"
The clown falls silent again, but his mood is completely different. Right now he's not pissed off, it's obvious that this time, instead of flirting with her in a casual and natural way, he’s thinking what to say, choosing carefully his words to return a fraction of the effect she had on him hours ago.
His eyes darken, and his voice goes octanes lower and raspier. "Sweetheart, there will be no possible escape from what I plan to do with you. At the slightest opportunity I will make you cum on me so many times you will be the one to find the One Piece without needing to go to the Grand Line, but first…'' He pauses, breathes, and lets it go calmly, like the intimidating, psychopathic calculator she saw at the circus and not that flirty cartoonish version she got to know on the ship. ''you will beg for it."
She knows she shouldn't surrender to this type of tease, but she also can't and doesn't want to avoid it. Getting heavily carried away, without thinking about it twice, one of the girl's hands slides to the back of his neck, slipping under the bandana, and tugs his hair aggressively as she leans in again to speak close to his face. He grunts in pure satisfaction, closing his eyes for a second. Of course (Y/N) is, once again, taking advantage of the fact that he cannot defend himself no being more than a head, and the fact is that he enjoys like a condemned bastard those small but intense gestures the girl has given him since they met at the circus.
He can't wait to break a woman like her. And oh, he will.
"Are you sure about that?" Hearing distant steps, someone from the crew coming out on deck and climbing the stairs, she gets some distance from him, acting naturally, closing the bag again around his head. "My expectations just skyrocketed, I hope you don't disappoint."
By the end of the day, the Konomi Islands begin to appear on the horizon, and as soon as they set foot on them, shits get really serious. The situation of the poor people who live there is heartbreaking, so for two days, no one dares to make a single joke, Luffy's usual energy and bubbly positivity is nowhere to be seen, and of course, the interactions of (Y/N) and Buggy are reduced to = 0. The clown's head is no longer of any real use to them, and it’s poor Sanji, the new recruit, who’s carrying it around just in case.
At least until they reach Arlong Park.
Again, (Y/N) is not exactly the type of mercenary expert in martial arts and although she knows how to defend herself, fighting like Zoro or Sanji is, in few words, impossible. Her only advantage is being very, very fast, and knowing how to use the scenery to her advantage, so it doesn't take long for her to hide here and there among the different tents and attractions in the area to get rid of the most straggler fishmen, with a knife she got long ago during one of her jobs, capable of cutting their tough skin easily.
Everything happens so fast and is so chaotic that apart from some screams and blows in the background and having seen Usopp running towards the forest, (Y/N) is completely unaware of what is happening in the main complex.
A strong pull on her left arm activates her flight or fight response as one last fish falls dead to the ground in front of her. Raising the knife, in a quick movement, she tries to defend herself by aiming at the stranger's neck, although in vain; a pair of lips whose red has already been worn for days impact against hers, stealing her breath, a small moan escaping her. Eyes wide open, she barely registers the blurry color of Buggy's nose when two strong hands squeeze her hips as if the life of the clown depended on it, pushing the girl against the wall of the building behind them, cornering her without any type of delicacy.
She hadn't heard from him since they reached the island. Hell, she didn't even know he had got his full body back and was already so close to it that air was unable to pass between each other.
Of course, the moment the clown's head joined the rest of himself -the feeling much better than he remembered- he fucked off his captors and decided to flee. Not before making a vital stop along the way.
The ideas about how to proceed with her once he was whole were very, very different in his wild fantasies, but when he saw the girl's back, he knew that the only thing that would -partially- calm his yearning would be to kiss her before disappearing as fast as possible. To taste her lips, to feel her warmth.
Still not recovered from the shock of the kiss, Y/N doesn't remove the knife from the clown's neck, but he couldn't care less; quite the opposite. He is so turned on and waited so much -again, exaggerated- for this he doesn't know yet how he will be able to break the kiss, take distance from her, and run away.
Passionately carried away, moved by his most primitive instincts, Buggy sneaks one of his legs between hers, pressing in between them as Y/N inhales through her nose and her free hand flies to his vest, pulling it a little.
It wasn't the time, nor the place, to think about fucking that asshole, but damn, after all the teasing and the tension and the adrenaline of the fight--
And just when she starts fully giving in to him, he retreats just enough, panting a bit, and looks at her now red, stained lips, eyes darkened and full of lust. Just like hers.
"Hate to leave you like this sweetheart but I have things to do and places to go. I don't want people relating me to Arlong, I would hate the bad press on my persona." He whispers, cracking his usual cruel, playful smirk when he finally puts some distance between each other.
‘’It's time to exit stage left.’’ Buggy adds, theatrically raising both hands in the air. ‘’I promise I’ll see you around.’’
And like this, he stars running away again. Where? She doesn't know, or even guess at this moment, too busy registering the kiss in her memory, the way his lips felt on hers, how his nose pressed her cheek the entire time, or his hands grabbed onto her for dear life.
Bastard.
''You better'', she whispers to herself.
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thehighladywrites · 1 month
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— “I’m just a girl!”
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☀︎ — pairing: nerd/tutor azriel x bimbo/ditzy reader
☀︎ — summary: you tell azriel you don’t know what taxes are, and that you haven’t filed them ever
☀︎ — warnings: fluff, dramatic reader, azriel being sweet and educational
☀︎ — amara’s note: man i wish i was her rn💔 also this is so fucking real bc what on earth are taxes???
series masterlist
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“Baby, please, you have got to grasp the gravity of this situation. Not filing your taxes is no joke. You could end up behind bars for tax evasion! There was a whole mandatory course last semester, didn’t you take it?” Azriel's tone is firm, his concern painted all over his face as he stands infront of you.
When you revealed that you didn't know what taxes were or how to "file" them, Azriel got worried sick, emphasizing the importance of understanding basic responsibilities like this.
He brought you into the living room, seated you on the sofa, and stood in front of you, carefully explaining step by step why not filing taxes was illegal and how to fix the situation. However, no matter how hard you try, you can't focus on his words, your attention completely consumed by his built muscles. Your mind goes blank as you find yourself daydreaming about him taking off his shirt.
Azriel knows you’re not focusing on his words, he knows you’re ogling his body, and even though he gets warm and loves it, he needs you to focus on the topic, at least for a few minutes.
“Are you paying attention, baby?”
You honestly don’t get it at all. Like, if they take tax from you when you’re shopping, shouldn’t they already know how much you owe or whatever? And who even are the IRS? Can’t you just live your life without all this complicated stuff? Why does Azriel have to make everything so...ugh, what's the word? Complicated?
“Oh my god, Azzie! Stop it, I don’t wanna do this and I don’t understand anything. Please, I’m just a girl!” you exclaim dramatically pulling your knees to your chest as you hide your face in your hands, tears prickling in your eyes. You’re feeling completely overwhelmed by the situation and the sheer thought of dealing with stupid taxes.
Azriel sighs deeply, his brows furrowing as he takes off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. If he doesn’t have a gray hair by the end of the week, he’ll consider it a win. As much as he wants you to understand what is wrong with basically committing a crime, he doesn’t want you crying, he feels sick to his stomach seeing you so sad but he just has to fucking ask.
“You’re—You're just a girl— sweetheart, what does that even mean?” he asks gently, completely flabbergasted by your statement.
You fold your arms over your chest, chin held high as you say, “Ya heard me, m’just a girl. And that means i should not be doing any of this, i should be living my best life instead of thinking about whatever taxes are.”
Azriel just looks at you with raised eyebrows, man you’re stressing him the fuck out. Luckily he caught your illegal activities early otherwise you would have gone to prison for sure. Even though he thinks it was ridiculous for a person to have never done their taxes ever, he doesn’t hold you against it. He just slumps his shoulders, taking a breather. Azriel can never be mad at you, never at his sweet angel. Especially not when you look so upset, big sparkly eyes looking at him with worry.
It’s in that moment. That tiny moment, he decides to never confront you with your mistakes. Sure you almost went to jail, but Azriel is here now. He is intelligent enough to think about the more serious issues for the both of you. And he will for the rest of his life, not because he has to, but because he wants to. He wants to take care of you.
“You’re right, my love, you shouldn’t worry about this. I’ll take care of it,” Azriel assures you, his tone gentle as he tucks a strand behind your ear.
You look up at him, eyes shiny with unshed tears as your face lights up before you stand up and jump into his arms, showering his face with kisses, your excitement bubbling over.
“Awe, you're the best baby, I love you so, so, soooo much!” you exclaimed, your words flowing freely in your ditzy excitement.
He laughs shyly, still getting nervous when you show him affection. “I love you too, beautiful.”
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leahwllmsn · 5 months
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someday when you leave me, I bet these memories follow you around | leah williamson x reader
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Five years after you leave Arsenal, you see Leah in the streets of London. You think that seeing your ex’s smile after all this time shouldn’t hurt this much.
; angst
Nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down
y/n
The first time you kissed Leah was when you were fifteen and Leah was sixteen in your shared hotel room during an away game for Arsenal academy.
It was sloppy and awkward but it was perfect.
At that moment, with your laughter echoing throughout the small room and your eyes reflecting a newfound happiness, you figured you were destined to fall.
At fifteen, you knew you were too young to know what love was. But every time Leah laughed, you also knew that you were one step closer to figuring it all out.
Despite everything, you kept it all to yourself. Even after your first kiss, you never brought it up—and Leah didn’t either. You were glad. You didn’t think you were ready to have that conversation.
Still, you and Leah kept the secret glances, the longing stares, and the kisses shared when it was just the two of you in your bedroom (you had a bunk bed so the two of you mostly spent time at yours, on the top bunk, just in case someone was able to enter despite the locked door).
You were never going to become an actual couple. You knew this. While dating a teammate wasn’t prohibited, it was surely complicated. Let alone dating someone of the same gender—you didn’t know how your parents would react to that. But you figured that the fleeting moment of happiness whenever Leah kissed you wouldn’t hurt if nobody was to ever find out.
When you lost Leah in the end, you didn’t let yourself cry because you knew it was coming; your relationship was doomed from the start. 
It was an unspoken ending that you had foreseen the moment Leah kissed you back that first time.
(No matter how hard you tried to change the ending, you couldn’t).
Leah
Leah met you when she was twelve and you were eleven. You were there to protect her from the hurtful words of boys at the park and you were there to comfort her when thunderstorms came and she was desperately trying to hide her shivers. 
Since the first day you two met, Leah knew that you would be someone important to her—she didn’t know how, but Leah had a feeling that you were going to be someone to her. And that became true with the way you were always there at every important moment of Leah’s life.
After Leah’s first terrible game, when one of the coaches were too harsh on her and she ran to the changing room crying, you were there to hold her. The first time Leah missed practice because she fell sick, you were there to distract her with cookies and silly jokes and goofy faces.
And the day Leah Williamson did the unthinkable and told everyone that she was leaving Arsenal, you were there to hold her hand the entire ride back to her apartment from the training ground.
The only time you weren't there was when Leah left for Barcelona, and it was because Leah specifically asked you not to come. 
You texted her that day, but Leah didn’t reply. And for five years that text was the last thing Leah had from you. Leah figured it was for the best.
y/n: safe flight leah
y/n: i love you
y/n: i always will
y/n
You moved to Los Angeles a month after Leah left. Leah was off to a fresh start, you wanted—no, you needed to do the same.
Everyone wondered what happened between the two of you that made Leah leave her most beloved club, and with the most shocking revelation that you weren't coming with her.
You only shrugged every time, forcing a wave of dismissal, “people drift apart. It happens all the time. Life goes on.” And it was true, you and Leah weren’t meant to last forever. You didn’t know how Beth got the idea that your love was written for the stars and that it was going to last a lifetime.
You knew from the start that you were a ticking time tomb, you were even surprised that it lasted that long.
Leah
“You never really tell us what happened between you and y/n.”
Leah looks at her teammates, an amused expression on her face. “It’s been years and you’re just asking me this now?”
Lucy shrugs indifferently. “You two clearly didn’t want to talk about it, so Kiera and I agreed to not touch the subject. But like you said, it’s been years, and you’ve probably moved on, so it should be fine in asking right…?”
“But,” Kiera interjects, her face full of worry. “If you don’t want to talk about it then it’s fine. As long as you’re fine then it’s great.”
Leah averts her gaze away. She doesn’t think she would ever be fine without you, but she’s able to get by her day without the pain in her chest, so it’s something. 
“I was willing to let everyone know that she was the love of my life, yet she was more than fine with keeping me a secret,” Leah answers simply and that’s the last time Lucy and Kiera ever bring the topic up.
y/n
“Are roses really your favorite flower or are you just saying that because it’s the most basic flower ever?”
Leah laughed at her question. “What?”
“I’m just curious.” you wrapped an arm around Leah’s waist and cuddled further into her.
“What is your favorite flower?” Leah asked back.
“Daisies.”
“Then it’s my favorite too.”
You giggled and placed a kiss on Leah’s shoulder. “You’re silly. What if I told you my favorite flowers are actually sunflowers?”
“Then sunflowers are my favorite too.”
“Leaaah.”
Leah giggled along and turned to her side. You were face to face, so close that you could count the barely noticeable sunspots on her face.
“You remind me of sunflowers,” you admitted in a whisper.
“How so?” Leah whispered back.
“You’re so full of happiness and… and sunshine. Sunflowers are the embodiment of summer and that’s exactly what you are to me—the summer warmth from the blaring sun that burned me up yet I do not mind it one bit ‘cause I feel happy and content.”
Leah stared at her, you couldn’t piece what she was thinking. “Didn’t know you were this cheesy,” was what Leah finally said.
You simply grinned at Leah and pecked her lips. “Did you know,” you continued. “That there’s an ancient Greek myth about why sunflowers follow the sun?”
Leah hummed and closed her eyes, her hands were gently stroking your waist, letting you know that she was listening.
“Clytie—she was a nymph—adored Apollo, the God of Sun. And when he fell in love with another nymph, Clytie became jealous and told the other nymph’s father about the relationship, who then punished his daughter by burying her alive. Apollo became angry, obviously. He turned Clytie into a flower, but even then she still loved him and would spend her days watching him as he moved the sun across the sky, just like sunflowers move to face the sun.”
“That’s… something,” Leah whispered out, opening her eyes. “It’s kinda sad.”
“Right?”
“So the reason sunflowers are your favorite is because of its tragic story?” 
“It’s not tragic!” you exclaimed, a pout on your lips. “It’s sweet!”
“Sure, love,” Leah kissed your pout away. You couldn’t help the grin that quickly spread across your face. “You hate the color yellow though,” Leah noted. “There’s no way sunflowers are your favorite.”
You shrugged. “Yellow isn’t that bad. You remind me of the color yellow. Especially since your hair is blonde,” you tucked a strand of blonde hair behind Leah’s ear. 
Leah laughed and you scooted closer, your forehead against Leah’s neck. “Every time I see sunflowers, they’re gonna remind me of you.”
“Why?”
“Because even if you fall in love with someone else and curse me into a flower, I’d still be very much in love with you.”
y/n
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
Nodding, you give Tobin a rueful smile. “No… Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.”
Tobin gives you a sympathetic look and hands you your phone. “Call her.”
“Do you think she’ll answer?” your tone is full of doubt, you’re scared too, most of all.
“You’ll never know.”
You laugh. It’s funny how you got to this point. Five years later, sitting in your kitchen in your Los Angeles home with your best friend who happens to be your ex’s best friend too. Tobin is sitting in front of you, holding your hand ever so carefully, as if you’re about to break at any moment.
Going back to Tobin’s first question, no. You're not sure you should be doing this at all. But you have to do something. Your epiphany—or your “thank the fucking lord that y/n has finally come to her senses and realize that none of this shit matters anymore” as Tobin would call it, came crashing in one Sunday afternoon. 
You weren't expecting it. How were you supposed to know that your life would be turned upside down in the middle of doing the dishes at your teammate’s kid’s birthday party? You would’ve laughed at it all if you didn’t feel a blow to your stomach so hard, knocking all the wind out of you. Through the window you could see your friend, Sydney, face full of smiles and laughter with her husband and her son next to her. They were all happy and the first thing that came to your mind was that you wanted that. And there was only one person you wanted that with.
You felt tears trickle down your face and that was when you started to question the point of it all—all the prestigious football awards and titles, all the fame and fortune. You were well-known, you had houses, apartments, villas all over the world, but what was the fucking point of it all if you didn’t have the love of your life by your side?
You realized that living without Leah wasn’t really living and that was the story of how you broke down in a party full of three year olds. 
It wasn’t your greatest day, but it did lead up to this moment.
Taking a deep breath, you take your phone from Tobin’s hand and scroll through your contacts.
my love
With a quiet laugh at how pathetic you are for keeping the contact name, you place the phone to your ear. It keeps on ringing and you’re certain that Leah isn’t going to answer, but the beeping stops and you hear the voice that you haven't heard in years.
“Hello?”
“Hi,” your voice is faint, barely a whisper. “Uh- it’s y/n.”
“I know,” there is a barely audible sigh on the other end. Whether it’s out of annoyance or apprehension, you don't know. A part of you hope it’s a sigh of relief—something that you feel as soon as you hear Leah’s voice. It feels a lot like coming home after years astray. “I still have your number.”
“Right.” you find yourself tongue-tied. You had it all planned out, what you’re going to say and what you’re going to ask, but something stirs up within you at the sound of Leah’s voice. 
“Is there a reason you called?”
“Yes. Uhm,” you close her eyes and try to calm yourself down. “I wanted to ask you… if- if it’s okay to…” you look at Tobin helplessly and you find the brunette staring back at you, an encouraging look on her face. Taking a deep breath, “If it’s okay to tell everyone about us.”
There’s a clang on the other end, making you wince. “Are you okay? Leah?”
Leah is still silent, you don't mind waiting. After a minute, Leah finally speaks, “Me? Are you okay? Where did all this come from?”
“Oh,” you feel your cheeks flush. “I did some thinking. I want to tell everyone about you. I’m not expecting anything, don’t worry. I know it’s over between us… But I just- I’m gonna tell everyone about me and you were a big part of me so- I don’t know. I want- Nevermind. This is stupid. Just forget it—”
“Wait, y/n.”
“…Yeah?”
“You’re gonna come out?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
You feel your chest constrict at the sound of Leah’s voice—how dejected she sounds. “Leah… I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? That’s great, y/n,” Leah says. You can now clearly hear the hurt in her voice. “I’m proud of you.” But there’s a hint of pride too and you feel a lump forming in your throat.
How can Leah be proud of you for doing something you should’ve done years ago? Five years ago, to stop Leah from leaving. To stop Leah from thinking that you wouldn’t do anything for her.
“I really am, y/n.” Leah continues. “Don’t beat yourself up that it took you this long. Everyone has their own pace.”
“I know,” you sniffle. “I just wish that I could’ve figured it out sooner- and- and maybe that way I wouldn’t have- have lost you-”
“Hey, hey, y/n,” Leah’s voice is soothing and you find yourself calming down. You’re amazed that Leah’s voice still has the same effect on you. “Don’t think about the ‘what-if’s. You’ll go crazy. Believe me, I know.”
You don't say anything, trying to keep your tears at bay.
“I spent the year after we broke up thinking where we would’ve been if I didn’t walk out that door. If I stayed with you. Maybe you would be sleeping next to me in our home in London. Or Barcelona. Or even Los Angeles, because as much as I didn’t see myself living there, I knew I would’ve sucked it all up ‘cause you love that city so much.”
“Leah…”
“Maybe we would’ve been engaged. Or married. Two kids, just like how we dreamed of, do you remember? We would’ve retired from all of this and you’d have your own football academy and I’d be there to support you through it all. I’d probably be a coach there, teaching all the kids who have the passion to be just like us.”
You laugh, wiping her tears away. “An academy?”
Leah laughs along with you. “You don’t think I know? You stay back after dinner with Dad and Jacob, having discussions with them about what it would take to build your own academy.”
“I was just curious. I’m a high school drop-out, Leah. I’m not smart enough to build my own academy, but I appreciate your belief in me.”
“You’re the smartest person I know.”
It’s silent for a moment and you can hear Leah’s soft breathing. You miss this more than you realize.
“Thank you,” you whisper.
“What for?”
“For not hating me, I guess.”
Leah’s laugh is loud and you smile. “I could never hate you. Even when I was deep in my daydreams of the ‘what-if’s and the disbelief of you being gone, I didn’t hate you.”
You sigh. You don't know why this feels a lot like closure. You don't want that. A closure means closing any window of opportunity for the two of you.
“Sometimes… Sometimes two people love each other too much that fate becomes jealous and tears them apart.”
But the more Leah talks, the more you feel the inevitable closure coming.
“You’re my greatest love, y/n l/n. Don’t ever forget it, okay?”
You don’t know if what you feel is relief or misery.
Leah
“I want you, you! I want all of you!”
“You have me!” you replied exasperatedly. “You’ve always had me! What are you talking about?!”
“But you’re a secret! I want you all the time. Not just when no one is around!”
You rubbed a hand over your face. “We’ve talked about this, Leah.”
“But—“
“This,” you gestured widely, your voice cracking with pain. “This is all temporary. We’ve always known from the start. I’ve deluded myself into thinking that we somehow could make it work when all it did was prolong the eventual pain we would endure when we have to break things off.”
Huffing with laughter, Leah’s face was laced with pain. “Glad to know you’re so fucking optimistic about us, y/n.”
“Leah,” your voice was pleading. “I don’t see the point in this if we’re just going to—”
“The point? I love you! Isn’t that fucking enough?! y/n—”
“Leah,” you cut her off. “Leah, I love you too. You know that. But sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“Of course it’s enough!” Tears were streaming down Leah’s face and you had to look away. You couldn’t handle seeing her so helpless and in pain.
“It’s not,” you whispered.
Balling her hands into fists, Leah kept her eyes on you despite you not meeting her eyes. “If you’re so afraid about what people think, we can get out of here for a little while, y/n,” Leah pleaded. She was desperate. “Take a vacation, as long as we like. We could go to Italy, or Spain, heck even somewhere in America. We can be anywhere but here and it’ll be alright.” Leah stood in front of you, her hands coming up to cradle your face. “Please, y/n. We can make it. I know we can. I have faith in us.”
You finally looked at Leah, complete devastation on her face. “Then what, Leah? We tell everyone about us, we leave for a little while, eventually we have to come back to the real world. We can’t escape forever. Once we’re back, we see that our relationship is all that they’ve been talking about. They won’t focus on your football skills, they’ll focus on your love life even when it’s none of their business. I can’t take that away from you.”
Spluttering, Leah looked taken aback. “I- what? I don’t care about all that. We’ll live. It won’t be the end of the world.”
“You’re gonna resent me someday.”
“Why would I resent you? I won’t—”
“You love football!” you interrupted. “It’s your whole world and I’m not going to be the one you let it all go for.”
Leah couldn’t keep the edge out of her voice when she replied. “You’re my world, y/n. And why are you talking as if I have to have one or the other? I can have both! You exist in this world too, y/n.”
“The media will eat us alive.”
“They probably will, but we’ll get through it,” Leah looked determined. Your heart broke all over again. “Together.”
“I’m sorry, Leah.”
“Why does it feel like you’re giving up?!” Leah shouted in despair. “We’ve barely even started. This is our future you’re throwing away! Why are you so afraid?”
“Because I know how it’ll end!”
“No, you don’t! You’re not a psychic, for goodness sake!”
“I do! I swear to god, Leah, I do.”
You had tears in your eyes, Leah could see the fear in them too. But despite the sadness written all over your face, your stance was final. Leah could see it with the way your jaw was clenched, your arms crossed over your chest, a look on your face that appeared whenever you were in an argument. The worst part of it all was that Leah knew that this was your demeanor when you knew you weren't going to lose the argument. 
Whatever you were thinking of, it was final. There was no changing your mind.
So Leah took a deep breath and willed herself to walk away. There was no use in fighting for you when she knew you didn’t want her to.
Leah
Leah wakes up with dread filling her chest. She has always been a morning person, but today is different. She knows you'll upload your video today, sometime around 2pm, you had said in your text last night.
So despite it being only 7 a.m., Leah can’t help the anxiousness that’s cursing through her body with the thought that everyone is going to know.
Leah came out a year ago. She didn’t exactly do a grand gesture like what you're about to do; she simply had a picture of her kissing a girl leaked and that was it. She uploaded a selfie on her Instagram page with the caption: yes I do like girls and that was it. Sure, people bothered her, her mentions were a mess, the media vilified her saying that the captain of the Lionesses can’t be gay, but she stopped caring.
The moment she lost the one person who she thought was her soulmate, Leah had a hard time caring about anything anymore.
She still played football, because that was what she loved. But she never cared about how many awards she received or the ranking of her team in the league. 
Awards and achievements—they all paled in comparison to having you. You dancing around her kitchen in an oversized t-shirt, you singing in the shower with the door always open because you hated having the door closed for some reason, you cooking her waffles and pancakes for breakfast because you knew Leah preferred both at once, you who were still the most beautiful girl in the world to Leah even after hours and hours of football practice.
Leah sometimes wished she could trade her million-dollar deal with simply having you around.
Pushing these thoughts away, Leah goes about her day. She calls Kiera, then Alex, then Beth—she talks to everyone in hopes of distracting herself of what’s to come.
But it doesn’t work and Leah finds herself staring at her laptop an hour before the clock turns 2. She doesn’t know what to expect. What are you going to say? 
When the clock turns 2, Leah refreshes her YouTube page and there it was:
The Truth
y/n l/n • 0 views • 25 seconds ago
Leah takes a deep breath and presses play.
y/n
“Hi everyone. If you’re watching this video that means I am finally brave enough to hit that upload button, and it’s funny because all my life I didn’t think I would let this part of myself be known to the rest of the world.
But here I am. So freaking nervous, but here I am…”
You laugh nervously at the camera. How does one do this? You think of Leah and how she seemed so unbothered in telling everyone that she likes girls. Why was it so hard for you to do the same? Then again, Leah has always been the most confident one out of the two of you. The one who has the mentality that everything will somehow be alright—the optimist. you on the other hand walk with cautious steps, afraid that one wrong move could cause your ground to crumble.
“The question that everyone used to ask me all the time is: are you happy? Are you close to happiness? I didn’t get why. Did it show? How unhappy I was? Maybe… 
I wasn’t entirely unhappy. Of course being in Arsenal and living my dream as a footballer makes me happy. The people I’ve met, my friends and family, they all make me happy. But it somehow wasn’t enough, you know? Which is funny because with all the success I have, how can I be unhappy? People would say I was ungrateful and maybe it’s true. Human beings are never satisfied. 
Honestly, it’s hard to feel truly happy when all you can feel every waking moment is paranoia and dread. The thought at the back of my head that kept on screaming: someone is going to catch me and that everything I’ve worked my whole life for will fall apart, just like that.
Back then I didn’t realize that playing football wasn’t everything, I didn’t realize that the key for me to be truly happy was in something–or someone–I took for granted. It was funny how I was scrambling to get it all back once I'd lost it.
I thought I was doing what I thought was best when I broke the heart of the person I loved the most in this world. I thought I was setting them free because the burden of an ‘us’ was a lot. I didn’t realize until it was too late that we were never a burden; the world expected too much from us when we owe them nothing.
So with this video, I want to tell everyone that I’m done listening to other people and for once… for once I want to do what makes me happy.
This person isn’t coming back, but telling everyone what I should’ve done back then… I think that it’s a start for me to understand how to be truly happy–and that is to start living for me and no one else.
I don’t want to lie anymore, I don’t want to keep this part of me a secret because it’s who I am. The… the person I’ve been in love with all my life is a woman and her name is Leah Williamson.”
Leah
Leah goes through her day in a daze. She ends up watching half of your video, she doesn’t know why she doesn’t have it in her to finish it. She feels like another second of your teary eyes with face full of anxiousness will cause her to do something stupid like call you up and ask if you’re alright.
Leah forgets how much she craves your voice.
Leah ends up calling Alexia. When her teammate picks up on the first ring, Leah sobs into her phone.
She doesn’t know why she’s crying. It’s been years, she should’ve been over you—and she is. She’s over you. She’s able to go through her day without wondering what you’re doing, able to sleep without having flashes of your memories together when she closes her eyes. So Leah doesn’t know why she’s crying but she figures it’s because there will always be a part of her that’ll stay in love with you.
Her cries stop, and she quickly wipes her tears away. “Sorry, Ale.”
“Hey, it’s okay.”
“I miss her a lot.”
“I know you do.”
“All of this makes me feel like we have a second chance,” Leah quietly confesses. “I don’t like it.”
“Why? You said it yourself, you miss her.”
“I do, but I don’t think a second chance would be good,” Leah sniffles. “I don’t want to go through the process of losing her again. I don’t think I can handle it.”
y/n
“When I first met her I was just immediately in love. Anyone who met her can agree, she was just so charming and charismatic. She's funny, she’s smart and she always says the right things. Who wouldn’t fall in love with her? When I first met her, I didn't think it would be serious. Just a silly crush on a girl I play football with, and I wasn’t stupid, I had no intentions of developing this crush into something more. 
But as time went by, I realized that she was the most beautiful person I have ever met and the more she smiled at me and laughed along at my jokes despite how unfunny it was, the more I fell in love with her.
I was so lucky that she loved me too.
And we were together for a long time. We weren’t serious until later on, and we were on and off too. It was pretty damn amazing that we kept it a secret for so long. I can count with my fingers just how many knew about us. None of our family members knew and it was suffocating most times, but it was how it was. I didn’t think I was ready.
I’ve always known at the back of my mind that we will end. We’re public figures, everyone feels entitled to have an opinion about us… I knew that somehow that would cause our relationship to end someday. We were never going to last. Maybe I was pessimistic, but it was the brutal reality we were in.
It killed you, you know. Knowing that something wasn't meant to last. I loved her so much, sometimes I think even more than life itself. It killed me every time that voice ressurfaced in the back of my head, how it kept on repeating that I'll lose her one day.
That has always been the scary part, I think. Knowing that it will happen but not knowing when. But I never lived in the fear of it all falling apart. I savored every moment I had with her, every laugh and every dumb joke she told.
It still broke me, when I did eventually lose her. I didn't leave my apartment for weeks, I was a mess, but I didn’t cry. I didn’t think I was physically able to- I don’t know. I just felt numb. I think a part of me wasn’t allowing myself to cry because I didn’t want it to be real, even though I knew how real it was—I had been preparing for it ever since I knew I was in love with her.
How do you get over someone who you know was the love of your life? Someone you’ll never truly get over. I was so used to having her next to me when I wake up, having her close to me at night when I have nightmares, and suddenly it’s all gone. She’s gone and she’s not coming back, but I have to go on—the world doesn't stop for me.
So I forced myself to put on a smile after a game, forced myself to laugh with the people around me when it felt like my heart was being torn into pieces and it hurt every time I breathe.
That’s my biggest regret, I think. Letting her just walk away like that. Making her think that I love all this… fame more than I love her.
It’s silly ‘cause I’ll never love anything more than I love her.”
Leah
“How do I forget about her, Ale?” Leah digs the heels of her palms into her eye sockets. She doesn’t understand why the tears won’t stop flowing out.
“Bebita… some people you’re just not meant to forget.”
“She hurt me. It would be easier to hate her, but I don’t. I hate that I don’t.” Leah takes a deep breath. “And now she did the thing that I’ve always wanted her to do. Be honest about us. Not caring about what others would think… But she’s years too late. I hate that she’s years too late.”
“She wasn’t ready back then,” Alexia says from the other end. “It would’ve been a disaster if she was forced to do something she didn’t want to do.”
“I know!” Leah exclaims. “I would never force her into anything. I just wish that she could’ve figured it out sooner. Then maybe we’d still be together,” Leah gives a helpless laugh. “I would’ve fucking proposed, Ale. We could’ve been married, I don’t know!”
“Leah… Hermosa, listen to me,” Alexia tries to calm her down. Leah still feels like breaking down. “What did I say about spiraling into scenarios of what could’ve happened? It’s no use. This is how it all turned out. As much as it differs from what you wanted, accept it. I’m sorry that you and her didn’t work out, but you have to accept it.”
“I hate that I still love her. The ‘what could’ve been’ wouldn't hurt this much if I still didn’t love her.”
y/n
“I guess I’ll close this video by saying what I’ve always wanted to say to her. I don’t know if she’ll be watching, and a part of me hopes she’s not because I’m scared. She always scares me, you know? Not so much because of her attitude, but more due to the fact that I have all this love for her inside me that I sometimes get confused on where to put them. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone this much.
Anyway… Leah.
My Leah. I hope you’re doing okay. The last time I heard your voice was a month ago to tell you about this video, and even through the phone I could hear how happy you are. So that’s good. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
I know it’s been five long years and we’re both different people now, maybe you even have someone new… but sometimes, once in a blue moon, I still have dreams of us and a ‘someday’. Back then I didn't think we’d make it- we couldn't, at least that’s what I kept on telling myself. It all seems so silly now… I know times have changed and that two girls falling in love with each other isn’t the end of the world.
I know this is what you were trying to tell me that night I ruined things for good. You were telling me that we were going to be okay… but I wasn’t listening. I’m sorry. You should know that not fighting for you is the biggest mistake of my life. 
But it is what it is, right? This is where we are and maybe we’re just not meant to make it.
Anyway, I don’t want to talk too much. I could go on and on ‘cause I have so much that I want to say to you, but… let me not. I don’t think it’s best to open up old wounds. All you should know is that I love and miss you with every breath I take, and despite everything, you’re still the love of my life. I’ve come to terms that maybe I’m not yours.
You’re always going to be my person, Leah. I’m sorry that all I did was cause you pain. I hope you have someone who brings you nothing but happiness.”
Leah
Despite the voice at the back of her mind telling her that it’s okay—that it’s fine if she wants to send a simple text message to her ex who just came out to the whole world—Leah still thinks it’s a bad idea.
Most of all, she thinks it’s a bad idea because she can’t go back to where she was—that lovesick girl who would do anything for you. Leah can feel her resolve crumbling the more she watches your video. She can feel herself itching to get across the screen of her phone and wrap you up in a hug. She hasn’t felt this way in a long time, or at least when she did, she immediately tucked them away.
The sun comes up and Leah doesn't realize that night-time has come and gone. Staring out the window, Leah sees the sun rise and a memory so bright flashes in her mind. Leah wonders if you like to stare out the sun and think of her.
Leah: I’m proud of you
Leah: just so you know, you made me the happiest I’ve ever been
y/n
London has almost 9 million people and out of all the time in a day, out of all the days in a week, you don't know why you have to be in Trafalgar Square at this exact moment.
Beth is talking next to you, explaining to you why you two should just head over to brunch and ditch the rest of your American friends who are wandering around. You aren't listening to any of it.
You aren't listening because your gaze is fixated on the blonde figure across the street, laughing along with the person next to her. You feel your stomach twist. It’s been a few months since you uploaded your video, which means it’s been a few months since Leah texted you.
Most of all, it’s been five years since you saw Leah in person.
Even from afar, you can see how Leah’s smile is still the same. You can see how Leah’s eyes crinkle in happiness and how Leah’s hand searches for that girl’s hand—just like how Leah used to reach for yours.
It hurts. More than you can admit.
You look away for a brief moment and when you look back, Leah is gone, but the sight of her smile will forever remain in your head. 
Despite how you can feel your heart breaking into pieces, you also felt a newfound determination burning in your chest. Leah is the love of your life. You made the mistake of not fighting for her the first time, but you swore you’ll fight tooth and nail when the second time comes around. 
Sometime in the future, you two will find your way back to each other. You’re sure of this, because a love like yours just doesn’t disappear into thin air. 
In the future, you will proudly call Leah yours, one of you will propose and you’ll get married in New Zealand—just like what you talked about at sixteen with all the innocence in the world.
But for now, you have to learn how to be happy without Leah by your side. It’ll hurt but it’ll be worth it. You’re the sunflower in a dark night, certain that one day your sun will return.
3 years later
“Hi, this is y/n. Sorry I can’t answer the phone right now, but please leave a message and I’ll call you back.”
“Hey, y/n. It’s me. Leah. I got your number from Tobin. Uhm… Listen, I’m in Los Angeles for the weekend, and I still can’t figure out why you love this city so much. I reckon a local tour guide would be a good opportunity to help me try to understand this city and all its hidden beauty better. Uhm, yeah. Let me know if you’re free. My hotel is only a block away from your apartment. Sorry. That sounds creepy. Tobin told me where you live. Uhm. That’s it from me. Yeah. Call me. Or text me, whichever you prefer. …Bye.”
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