#'you're so young i don't want to put your meds too high' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

scoops-aboy86 · 1 month

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not sure if you're taking prompt requests (I've been lurking hehe♠️♥️) but can we consider steddie who have sexual tension whilst also being each other's biggest hater? maybe Eddie is mouthing off to Steve and they place a bet; loser draws a card at random and if they don't complete it within the month then...I don't know but something embarrassing. let's say Eddie (cocky and on his high horse) underestimates Steve and loses the bet and draws the card: bulk up. And determined not to be a sore loser he goes all in, unfortunately he misinterprets just how much he's supposed to bulk for, and what bulking up actually entails 👀 by the end of the month that boy is busting out his pants

Hey there ♠️♥️ anon! I for sure take prompt requests, and I love the idea of these two giving glaring daggers vibes whenever they’re in the same room…

(The following is also on ao3, because, uh. It's 5545 words.)

They’d settled their differences in the Upside Down, that first time, right? Despite a shared mutual history of one looking at the other and thinking ugh, Steve had thanked someone who wasn’t a friend and didn’t have any person interest vested in his safety for coming to help rescue him from a gruesome death, and Eddie had broken with years of anti-jock, anti-popular tradition to admit that Steeeeve Harrington was a good dude. They’d even bonded a little over how much of a butthead Dustin was. Right?

Wrong. The truce only held up until Eddie nearly died by bat attack, though it wasn’t officially called off until several weeks after that because Eddie was in a literal coma. Pretty much the last thing Steve had said was to not try and be a hero, and Eddie had agreed… and then pulled that shit? The idiot had nearly bled out in Dustin’s goddamn arms—leaving the fifteen year old even more shell shocked than he had been after Starcourt when it had finally, fully hit him that Steve could have been literally tortured to death, just because he’d picked up some weird Russian transmission.

So Eddie’s first real day coherently awake and not foggy from pain meds, jarring and stressful as all that was on its own, also included a vicious reprimand to the tune of what the hell were you thinking from the former King of Hawkins High. And, hey, he firmly maintained that if you kicked a man when he was down then you shouldn’t be surprised when he goes for your ankles. The shouting match that ensued only ended when Robin, Jonathan, and Jonathan’s weird friend from California physically dragged him out of the room, while Dustin and Mike each put a hand on Eddie and effectively held their weakened DM pinned to keep him from giving chase when he could not, in fact, actually walk.

(Surprisingly, Mike is actually on Steve’s side with that one. It’s because upon returning to Hawkins, when getting the full rundown, Dustin had said, “He was dying, he was right there and I couldn’t do anything to save him… It was like when Troy told you to jump off the quarry and you actually did it. I was useless then too.” One look at his friend’s haunted expression and Mike was thoroughly pissed off at both Eddie and his past self, no matter how okay things had turned out after.)

Everyone hopes it’ll blow over, but both Steve and Eddie are stubborn as hell and convinced the other is in the wrong. Neither wants to back down, so they don’t. Things snowball into an active feud, Steve with his sarcastic comments and the bitchy faces he pulls, and Eddie jumping on furniture to deliver thinly veiled speeches about whatever his beef of the day with Steve is this time—both dramatic as fuck and not nearly as ashamed enough about how loud and petulant their complaints about each other are.

As Robin likes to say, they’re both kind of right but they’re also both morons.

So their friends do what any reasonable group of young people irreparably traumatized by intradimensional monsters would do: they trick both of them into the same room and lock the door until they either sort their shit out or knock each other unconscious. The new Hopper-Byers house has a basement that doubles as a tornado shelter that’s just perfect for keeping them contained, no windows and all.

By the time the Party lets them out, they seem to have reached a truce.

Robin finds out later, though, that they haven’t ended their feud so much as… turned it into a competition. They’ve given each other a month to get into one of the other’s hobbies, though she does not get any explanation of how the results will be judged or what the ‘winner’ gets out of this besides general bragging rights. Steve will try and learn guitar well enough to play a single song (and not that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star shit in the guitar for beginners books, an actual, recognizable song that one might hear on the radio, singing optional), and Eddie will try and bulk up.

“Bulk up,” Robin repeats flatly, picturing Eddie’s toothpick frame and absolutely failing at imagining muscles showing up on it. “Eddie Munson, who was held back for two years in part because he refused to climb a rope in gym, or participate in any other Presidential Fitness Test activity as an anti-war, anti-mindless sheep protest, is going to take up working out.”

Steve just shrugs with a smirk. “I don’t know, all he said was ‘bulk up.’ We’re not asking each other for advice—which means he can’t ask Lucas either, since that’s just, like, my advice but trickle-down style—”

“That’s not a phrase you should use, Steve. Not when you’re making… that face.” Robin is starting to think that the sexual tension between these two idiots isn’t completely in her imagination.

“Whatever, he can’t ask for my advice and I can’t ask for his. By the way, do you know anything about playing guitar?”

It’s going to be a long month.

“Okay,” Gareth begins, “I’ve done some research, and I’ve compiled a list of—”

Eddie snatches the sheet of paper out of his hand, ignoring Gareth’s grumbles as he scans it. “‘Eat lots of starch to fuel the body,’” he reads. “Okay, easy enough. ‘Lots of protein, fish is good.’ Done, I fuckin’ love fish sticks. Healthy fats, blah blah blah… ‘Recovery after workouts is important.’ Makes sense.” He flicks the paper back in the younger boy’s direction, sitting back into the couch in his trailer with an exaggerated stretch. “This is going to be easy. I can just carry amps around like usual and eat up, I’ve got this in the bag. Harrington is going down.”

Snatching it up, Gareth shoots Eddie an annoyed look. “This is bringing out a lovely color in you, dude. I might not be around much for the next thirty days.”

Eddie snorts. “Band practice,” he reminds him in a sing-song voice. “I’m thinking we can do two or three times a week now that school’s out.”

“Yeah, about that…”

And that’s how Eddie finds out that Gareth is being dragged on a family road trip next week to visit some great aunt or uncle somewhere, Jeff has already started courses at the nearest community college, and Frank has a full time job washing dishes at Enzo’s now. The latter two will probably give Eddie a good in for selling to new customers, now that he’s been freed from perpetual daily forced contact with high schoolers, but other than that it all kind of sucks.

After Gareth leaves, Eddie sulks his way to the grocery store to pick up what he figures he needs for the next few weeks. Piles the shopping cart up with fish sticks and ketchup, protein powder and ice cream (because the list had said something about smoothies, there’s ice cream in those, right?), pasta, various kinds sauces to keep things interesting, a bunch of different kinds of chips for snacking, and bacon and a carton of eggs for breakfasts. That should cover most of it, right? He can come back for more whenever, but he thinks this might last him a week. No skin off his nose when that big government payout is basically footing the bill.

One week later, Steve’s fingers are sore from trying to play his grandpa’s old guitar he had found in the attic, and he’s having a hard time with Robin’s explanation of sheet music. She doesn’t know a thing about string instruments, but she’s working out an arrangement of Everybody Wants to Rule the World that he can both read and play, so he can only complain so much.

Eddie feels vaguely bloated all the time, but he deadlifts his amps and carries them around the trailer for a while several times a day and takes care to give his muscles a nice long break afterwards. He’s already had to make a couple more trips to the store for pretty much everything except protein powder… Which isn’t that bad with enough ice cream blended in with it, and sometimes he even remembers to throw in some fresh fruit for color. Sometimes he does bananas and peanut butter. Zero complaints.

By the second week, Steve is making decent progress . He’s pretty sure, anyway. The music he plays is basic, halting, and awkward, but it’s music. The real VIP when it comes to helping him learn, actually, is Erica. She’d just taken up the flute in eighth grade, more to fulfill an elective requirement than anything else, and she’s a vicious but effective task master when it comes to making him practice. Her critiques, while scathing, usually offer the information he can’t make sense in of in a new way, sometimes easier to process. Between that and Robin helping him puzzle out where to put his hands to make the chords sound right, things are coming along.

Meanwhile, Eddie has developed a routine. He deadlifts his amps and carries them around the trailer for a while a few times a day. He cools down with a joint afterwards, and if it’s a really hot day he goes through popsicles like nobody’s business. They’re basically frozen juice. Practically just water. He’s pretty sure he can have as many as he wants, and when he gets to the goofy part of his high he sometimes deep throats them just for fun—because he’s busy with this whole bulking thing, alright? Hasn’t had a chance to drive out to Indy for some good sweaty stress relief. The munchies hit him hard and there’s something satisfying in how all the snacks he blows through (ha) make him feel sluggish and warm on their way to making him bigger. He doesn’t give a shit about building muscles, it’s just… The sense of accomplishment is nice.

Partway through the third week, Steve runs into Eddie in the grocery store. Literally.

“Oof. Hey, look where you’re—Oh, it’s you.” Eddie barely glances at Steve to make this assessment, he’s too busy trying to decide on what pasta sauces he wants to get for the next few meals. His cart is already quite full (plus there’s an entire case of Mt. Dew on the wire shelf underneath), his eyes slightly bloodshot, and he has an already open Snickers bar that he takes an absentminded bite from.

Steve has to pause to take him in, knowing that something is different but not quite able to decide what… But his brain registers it as a vaguely positive thing all the same, and he finds the Snickers bar amusing. “Jeez Munson, you couldn’t wait until you got to the register? How long have you been shopping?”

Eddie rolls his eyes, swallows, and very maturely sticks his tongue out at Steve through his plush lips, right there in the grocery store. “I was working out earlier and got hungry, fucking sue me.” He makes his sauce selections and moves on, but Steve trails after him with just a dinky little basket with a few items in hand.

Which… he doesn’t mean to do, but finds himself embarrassingly hypnotized by Eddie’s ass. (And since when is Eddie not flat as a pancake back there? Must be doing squats or something. Whatever it is, Steve can admit in the confines of his own mind that it’s paid off.)

He breaks off towards the register before Eddie says anything else to him, though—and before Eddie can notice the unexpected semi starting up in his jeans. And he gets away with it too, because Eddie is facing resolvedly away, unwilling to let Steve see the way his cheeks have flushed from that bare minimum of teasing. Because Eddie has only been in the store for less than ten minutes. Made a pass at one of the candy displays by the front entrance as he was coming in, and yeah he’s high, but usually he has some restraint. This time… he just really wanted something sweet in his mouth, and Steve’s comment makes him want to shove the rest of the chocolate bar in his mouth all at once. (Which he still does, but manages to wait until Steve is gone and hold in the little moan that wants to worm its way out around the mouthful.)

If they both go home and touch themselves for a bit after the encounter, no one’s ever going to know.

The next time they see each other, it’s because time’s officially up on their bet. Steve cannot get over how Eddie, who declines to sit down for this private little open mic event in the bland Harrington living room, fills out his jeans. It’s making his mouth water involuntary, throwing off his concentration while he tries to play the song he’s prepared. And what is up with that? He’s never looked at Eddie this way before, never had this problem in locker rooms with his jock teammates, had little trouble not looking or not thinking much of it if he did. Eddie’s not even naked for fuck’s sake, his jeans are just painted on, a stark contrast to the loose t-shirt he’s wearing.

He needs to see what’s under that shirt. Doesn’t know what he’s hoping to see, other than, just… Eddie. Which is annoying as hell, because it’s distracting while he’s trying to play—a month is long enough for him to figure out some basics and a single song, but not to be totally comfortable with the instrument.

When he’s done, he looks up from where he’s been focused intently on his hands only to see Eddie staring at him with a slightly furrowed brow, head tipped slightly to one side.

“I can’t call it good,” Eddie says slowly, reluctantly, “because it’s Tears for Fears, for chrissakes. But… I am impressed.”

Steve resists the urge to pump his fist in victory.

“For only a month of learning to play, the most painful part was really just your taste in music,” Eddie continues, smirking.

“Oh shut up.” Steve rolls his eyes and puts the guitar aside with a huff. “Your turn, Mr. Metalhead Smartass. Time for show and tell.”

And Eddie barely hesitates. Sure, he knows that he’s kind of missed the intended mark on this bulking thing, but he definitely is bulkier. His pants, the same size he’s been wearing comfortably for years, are digging in at the waist hard enough that he’s opted to stay standing for now rather than risk their integrity. He’d gotten a new, bigger shirt specifically for this occasion just to draw out the suspense of the reveal.

Part of him just wants a reaction. Like in the store, when Steve had teased him about the candy bar. He wants Steve to see him, stride over from the couch, and grab at the roll of pudge spilling over the top of his jeans. Call him out on all the pasta and sweets and nutritionless snacks, on getting high after his increasingly shorter workouts and clearing out the pantry. On the angry red stretch marks that streak the skin untouched by bite scars.

So Eddie wets his lips, and pulls his shirt off over his head. He shivers as Steve looks him over, even though it’s a hot day, and god he could go for a popsicle right now, would shove it all the way in and give Steve a show—

“Okay, let’s test it,” Steve says. “Arm wrestling, like we agreed. You want to do this in here? Or there’s the dining table, or kitchen counter.”

Eddie frowns, part of him disappointed. “Uh… Kitchen, I guess.” They can stay standing in there. No way he’s going to get down on his knees to arm-wrestle Steve fucking Harrington over a mirror-polished coffee table.

Steve waves him on. “After you then, it’s over there.”

Because Steve is trying hard not to react to a shirtless Eddie Munson in his living room. He’d seen Eddie shirtless before but that had been in the hospital, when he’d been almost more bandages than man. It had scared him then, seeing the proof of how close they’d come to losing someone this time. (Again, even if Hopper had come back.) Now it makes him want to grab, maybe push Eddie against something, just to see… what he feels like under his hands.

No, really, Steve wants to know. He can’t even articulate why to himself, but he wants, and he’s always been the kind of guy to jump first and ask confused questions later.

So they’re in the kitchen, hands clasped and elbows on grouted tile, each pushing as hard as he can. Maybe Steve started with the intent of going a little easy, though fuck if he understands why—but Eddie is really warming up now and Steve, to his surprise, is having to work a bit.

“You been lifting?” he asks.

Eddie grins, wolfish, back at him. “Yeah, I have these big amps I carry around all the time. Musician, remember?”

Steve wants Eddie’s teeth in his shoulder. Wants to bite him, all over him. Wants—Jesus fucking Christ—to watch himself disappear into Eddie’s mouth like that Snickers bar, like Eddie couldn’t imagine not wanting to swallow him down.

… Oh no.

It’s not like Eddie ever had particularly defined muscles, and what Steve now registers as extra softness all over isn’t helping them show. He was a wiry dude to start with, never meant to have bulging biceps, but that doesn’t mean he’s weak. Not after all that post-Vecna physical therapy and the past four weeks of working out with heavy band equipment.

Steve still wins the match, but it takes a while.

“You’re definitely stronger than you were a month ago,” he admits. “So… I guess I’m impressed too.”

They just sort of look at each other for a moment.

“So it’s a tie?” Eddie asks finally. “Fuck, what do we do for a tie-breaker?”

And Steve has a wild idea, one that, when he floats it, Eddie agrees to much faster than he’d agreed to the original bet.

The tie-breaker is this: they’ve ordered one large pizza each, and whoever eats the most wins. Eddie has barely stopped to consider that this might not be a fair contest; he hasn’t had lunch yet, and feels like his stomach is starting to digest itself. Hasn’t gone this long without a huge and heavy meal providing the delicious stretch to that organ that he’s recently grown to enjoy in weeks, and it’s probably a minor miracle that the hunger pains aren’t audible.

When the pizza arrives he just about tears his box out of Steve’s hands, flipping the lid and grabbing the first slice on his way back to the couch without fanfare, only a huge bite and a stifled sigh of relief as he finally plops down on the cushions and gives his feet a rest.

“Here,” Steve tells him, holding out a two-liter that Eddie hadn’t even realized was part of the order, he’d been so focused on food—and since when has Steve known that Mt. Dew is his favorite? “Hang on a second, I’ll get glasses.”

“S’fine,” Eddie grunts through a still partly full mouth, deftly twisting the cap open with his teeth, spitting it off into the distance, and raising the entire bottle to his lips for a long pull. “That hits the spot, thanks,” he says absently when he’s done, not bothering to put the bottle down as he reaches for his next slice. “Are you ever going to start on yours, or what?”

“I, y-yeah.” Steve turns away to his own box before Eddie can see the flush on his face, the one that goes all the way to his chest. What is happening to him? He hasn’t felt this tongue-tied since the first time he’d made out with Nancy, but why is it happening with Eddie?

Something about the abandon with which he’s eating, like it’s both effortless and necessary. Like he could keep going all day at the same pace, never satisfied, still chasing whatever it means in Eddie’s book to be full, and… Steve always has been a sucker for girls telling him how well he fills them up, hasn’t he? It had never meant this before but, well, there is some precedent at least.

But still, Steve thinks, as he tucks into his own pizza. Eddie. They hate each other, right? That’s why they’ve been feuding. The dude’s theatrical persona and general aura of fuck the world puts Steve on edge… but there’s no sign of either while he’s eating, wholy focused on the task (meal) before him.

Eddie finishes his pizza first, naturally. He guzzles some more of his soda, the bottle reaching about three-fourths empty, and doesn’t bother stifling a burp. Pressing a fist to his filling stomach, he manages to extend it to a belch, forcing out more of the gathering carbonation to make more room in there. Then he reaches for Steve’s pizza.

“Hey,” Steve protests, but makes no actual move to stop him. (Part of Eddie wishes he would. ‘Jesus, Munson, you ate a whole large pizza in under fifteen minutes and you still want more? You’ve really turned into a fatass.’ God, that would be—Eddie crams as much in his mouth as he can while his free hand is already reaching for another.)

“I win,” Eddie says with his mouth full, muffled and chewing but still understandable. (Fuck stopping just to talk, he’s hungry, he needs it.) “You wanna get between me and—urp—my prize, Steve? Try it and see what happens.”

And Steve doesn’t, just lets him take what he wants, and god damn if that isn’t a strange little thrill. Grease is starting to drip down Eddie’s chin, pizza sauce gathering in the corners of his mouth. No one has ever watched him eat before but Steve is watching, his own progress slowed now that the game is up.

They’re back on the living room couch, Eddie with his shirt still off and well beyond feeling self-conscious about the way his jeans are practically creaking at the seams the more he puts away. He’d give in and unbutton them (a common occurrence at home), but instinct tells him the problem is too far gone—the threshold between ‘tight’ and ‘too tight to get the button undone’ crossed. Still, he keeps eating because that feels better than stopping to problem-solve. He feels almost high under Steve’s gaze, an echo of the munchies creeping in that has him reaching for more pizza, more soda, just more.

Until the inevitable happens. Eddie doesn’t exactly notice it until he feels his belly drop, still cradled in his suddenly looser jeans.

It’s not even the button that’s popped. The entire left side of the denim has ripped down to the lower curve of his ass, bare skin bulging out because he’d forgone boxers so they wouldn’t bunch up uncomfortably under the pants.

“Shit,” he hears Steve whisper, and then bare skin is covered by warm hands and Eddie hums appreciatively as he’s cupped, kneaded, Steve’s fingertips teasing their way just under the stretched, shredded edges of fabric. Relaxing into the touch, into a quiet headspace he’s been falling more and more into over the past few weeks, where he just sits and eats.

The fact that there’s still pizza grease on Steve’s hand makes it, somehow, even more perfect.

“How did you do this,” Steve murmurs, sounding amazed, “in a month?”

Eddie just hums with his mouth full, relishing the attention. Now that Steve is focused on him he’s abandoned his own food, allowing Eddie free rein to take as much as he wants.

He wants it all. Loses all track of time in getting it. Even more so when the pizza runs out and Steve is at his side offering a lit joint, his own partly-finished bottle of soda, and packages of snack cakes.

(When had those come from? When had Steve left to get them? … Are questions Eddie barely cares enough to think, let alone ask.)

Everything feels hazy and syrupy-slow as Eddie greedily sucks down the smoke. He’s so full, but not full to bursting, not yet—and this will help him feel hungry again, help him eat more. Maybe until he can’t even move. For now, the food keeps coming, sometimes brought gently to his lips without him having to do anything but chew, and Eddie gives himself over to the pure hedonism of it.

Steve’s fingers around the joint (from Eddie’s jacket) rest against Eddie’s lips while he takes his hit. He’s still amazed that after only a month that Eddie can eat like that before getting high—how much food has he been going through in the name of ‘bulking,’ anyway?

For a moment Steve feels vaguely guilty for setting the challenge in the first place, and for impulsively suggesting a pizza eating contest as a tie-breaker… but Eddie’s rosy cheeks and hazy expression and overall eagerness for more is both a balm and a cure. And Steve listens to him chew, and gasp and moan between bites, eyes dropping down to tattooed skin, flush and growing damp with sweat as Eddie gets more and more worked up with the crinkle of every wrapper.

The pile of snack cakes is running low—the box had been full but Eddie is still going, one after the other after the other, so Steve puts the joint down and gets back to feeding.

“You look so fucking soft,” he murmurs. It’s both derision and praise, and he glances up just in time to see Eddie’s eyes roll back in time with a deep moan, squirming slightly in his spot on the couch. “Oh, you like that? You like when you get called out on how big you are?” Watching him swallow and try to breath shallow enough not to jostle himself but deep enough to actually get some oxygen, Steve licks his own lips. “How much you ate to get this way?”

Eddie sucks the last mouthful from his fingers in answer, tongue swirling around the tips. There’s so much in there already that Steve almost has more chocolate, frosting, and cake crumbs when Eddie pulls off with a wet smack than he’d had before, but it goes straight to Steven’s dick.

“Been eating all the time,” Eddie mumbles with a hint of a whine. “Can’t stop. Don’t want to.” He reaches out, not quite looking where his hand is going and groping around blindly until he finds Steve’s wrist and guides him to touch his gurgling belly. “Do you like it? Do you like me—urp—like this, Steve?”

“I really fucking do,” Steve breathes. God, his jeans are entirely too constricting right now, dick filling at the mental images of Eddie eating all the time—while watching tv or planning out his story-campaign things, even during simple tasks like putting his shoes on or applying eyeliner before playing at the Hideout, slowly chewing even in his goddamn sleep. (Which, realistically, he probably didn’t, but it’s such a heady thought that Steve doesn’t care about realistic right now.)

“I don’t even fit in my pants,” Eddie whines, pawing clumsily at his still buttoned fly while half his ass is already hanging out the rip. His pupils are stretched wide, eyes reddened, the high setting in nicely. “How, how’m I gonna go home?”

“Stay here,” Steve blurts out. “You don’t want to flash your wide ass around the whole trailer park, right? Just stay, plenty of room, and we can find you something to wear in the morning.”

Eddie nods, groans, and grips his distended belly with both hands. Steve helps as best he can, massaging over the other boy’s jam-packed stomach to coax all the carbonation from the Mt. Dew and Coke back out, spilling from Eddie’s wet and greasy lips like sweet, filthy nothings. And—

“Is it crazy that I still want more?” Eddie groans, tipping his head back to rest on the couch cushions. “Fuuuck that feels good Stevie, keep d… Oh god, mm, keep doing that…”

And then he spreads his legs wide with a groan, pausing to use both hands to finally get his pants unbuttoned. With no hint of self-consciousness, he wriggles his hand inside pants and pulls out his stiff cock, licks a long, lingering stripe along his other palm while maintaining direct eye contact, and starts to stroke himself.

“T-that’s it, keep… You’re so fucking hot, feeding me by hand,” Eddie babbles. “Letting me have this, oh Jesus Christ—”

His fist is moving in time with Steve’s ministrations, panting and with a flick of a thumb over his cock head, twist of a wrist on every pass. Steve can’t tear his eyes away from the heated flesh peeking out between Eddie’s fingers—the one on his cock and the one clutching his belly, flicking continuously between the two.

“You should keep doing it,” Eddie gasps, blind to the lack of remaining food he’s so full and gone. “Ste, Steve, that should be my prize for winning—” He pauses to let out a wet series of belches, hips practically jerking with them. “Ooh fuck, yeah, you should. You should feed me, keep making me bigger. Wanna be, mmmhmmnn, be full all the time, I’d let you fuck me even, god I bet that’d be good. W-wanna be filled from both ends, Steve…”

And Steve isn’t much better, barely blinking and throbbing in his pants, leaking a wet patch into his boxers, nodding and panting yes and uh-huh and I will. He’s thinking about how much he’s always liked going down on girls, and how different could a dick be? It’s not like he doesn’t know what feels good, and he knows the basics like keeping his lips over his teeth and using his hand for whatever he can’t fit, and Eddie’s thighs look soft and inviting. He can picture those thighs around his ears.

Wanna be filled from both ends, Steve.

“Fuck,” Steve growls, leaning in dangerously close to Eddie’s face even if the majority of his attention is still angled downwards. “You’re getting fat, man. You want to get fatter? Bust more of your clothes? The way you’re going, this thing—” he swipes a hand down over Eddie’s rounded belly and then back up to his stomach, pressing out another round of wet, breathy burps “—is going to be huge. Your ass too. You’re going to bump into things. You’re going to lose sight of your feet, of your dick. How far do you want to take this, huh? Until you can’t even reach it under all that extra padding? You want to have to ask me to help you with that? If you can’t stand me now—”

“Wha,” Eddie gasps, shuddering, so close. “No, you’re the one… Can’t—urrp—stand me…”

His voice is so petulant, so sad, that suddenly Steve gets it. They’ve both been posturing, picking fights to avoid direct rejection. And Steve, without even realizing it until now… He’d been so mad about Eddie playing the hero and nearly dying because it had scared the shit out of him, and Eddie had felt attacked and lashed out right back.

Steve slings a leg over Eddie’s, settles on him, and kisses him hard. Doesn’t even care when Eddie shakes and comes all over them both, biting Steve’s lip with a moan that could put actual porn stars to shame. Steve scrambles to get into his own pants and finish himself off a moment later, while Eddie is still catching his breath and groaning with every bump of Steve’s fist against his belly, but also still kissing him with no apparent intent of ever stopping.

And they don’t stop so much as, Steve slumps to one side and Eddie is too bloated and weighted in place by his own overindulgence to follow. Which Steve whines about a little, but his mind is too blown to figure out how to sit back up right now.

“I think I like guys too,” he says, dazed. “Is that a thing?”

“It’s a thing,” Eddie confirms, patting him on the thigh where it’s still stretched across the other boy’s lap. “If it helps, you’re taking it well.”

“Thought you said you wanted to take it,” Steve mumbles back, and feels a giddy little thrill at Eddie’s snort of amusement. “Speaking of things I just realized… Did we ever actually decide what we’d get for winning the bet?”

There’s a pause.

“I’m too full to think about that right now,” Eddie sighs, which they both know is a no. “Think I might’ve overdone it today.”

Another beat of silence, and then Steve can’t help asking, “Just today?”

A slow grin spreads across Eddie’s still-flushed face, the look in his eyes as he briefly bites his lip telling Steve that pretty soon there will be a round two. “Well now, sweetheart… Why don’t you sit back up here and tell me what you think, and we’ll just see if you’re right.”

Permanent tag list: @hotluncheddie

#wg steddie #scoops words #ask #♠️♥️ anon #chubby eddie munson #feedee eddie munson #feeder steve harrington #eddie fails at bulking but he does get bulkiER

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chocoqtelle · 2 years

Text

Mental health check

Pile one

Pile two

Pile three

Pile one

Your mental health rn is kinda 🤕

something bad happened regarding your love life and it really damaged you. first off, this isn't your fault ofc. you couldn't control the other person so take the blame off yourself for at least two seconds damn 🙄 and you have to realize that it won't be like this forever. it will get better but you need to put work in as well. you seem to fantasize and avoid real life instead of acknowledging your issues. you have to realize that it's a problem before you solve it. even after you realize, it won't just go away. you have to take care of it yourself. it's not easy but you can do this. expect change regarding how you view yourself and your mental health. Channeling "help urself" by ezekiel with the line saying "stay in, don't help yourself" but not as advice and more as in how you feel you should behave.

you got this 😡 keep going and stop romanticizing your depression. take your meds.

Pile two

you feel abandoned. you have this idea that you have to be perfect from your childhood which most likely consisted of heavy pleasure trauma and emotional abuse. also possible sexual abuse. since you spent your entire life worrying about others and taking care of everybody but yourself, you find yourself being used for emotional support or giving more than receiving in relationships (especially friendships) but can't find a way to pull yourself away from them. you might be/ have been a gifted kid or had high standards placed on you at a young age so now you have goals and standards that you spend more time thinking about than reaching for. you might also possibly daydream about romance a lot 💀 you still don't actually go for it though. you don't have to worry about other people. you need to focus on yourself and put in the effort to reach what you really want and not do what you think others would like for you. channeling "are you satisfied" by Marina.

it's about you, not them.

Pile three

things are finally getting better for you but you don't know what to do about it 😭 you feel like you don't deserve it and that it doesn't make sense. you think it will get worse again and you're trying to imagine it will more than you're enjoying things. you feel inspired and creative lately. this is you sign to tap into that. you usually struggle with emotions but things are becoming more peaceful now. you need to take the leap is what im hearing so if you wanna try something new then go ahead. im also hearing listen to new music? stop trying to do the same thing but expecting a different outcome. things are getting better and you deserve it to get better. there's a lot of positive karmic changes. make sure to rest as well 😞 you don't have to be on your toes all the time. just relax. you're also very stubborn but you still have to let your "weak" side out too. channeling "brand new city" by mitski (specifically "if I gave up on being pretty I wouldn't know how to be alive") .

relax and enjoy the present, not everything ends tragically.

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jerzwriter · 2 years

Text

Six(ish) Sentence Sunday

As soon as DTI is done (this week), I plan on partaking in @choicesficwriterscreations Celebrations event with some fun, light-hearted fare.

In Ethan/Casey-land, I'll have some bridal shower planning in Their First Two Months, maybe some wedding planning too.

I'm still working on Their Start in Tobias/Casey land, and they aren't in celebration territory at the moment. I don't want to jump around much, but I suppose I could look at some past events for them. As I'm writing, their Med School graduations come to mind... Hmmm...

But I am missing the friend group and I want to do something that would highlight them all... so one night as they're all hanging out in the Beer Garden enjoying the first days of spring, they will reminisce about their experiences at their high school proms (or their experiences in deciding not to go). It will be a photo/ficlet mini-series (with Casey, Ethan & Tobias's stories each being a tad longer than the rest).

If you'd like a little peek, see below.

Unnamed Their First Two Months chapter featuring Sienna, Aurora & Jackie - Bridal Shower Planning

Jackie and Aurora's eyes met with a knowing look. Aurora's lips were pursed, doing all she could to keep the peace, but the steam was beginning to come out of Jackie's ears, and there was no doubt she would erupt. Not wanting to ruin what was supposed to be a fun day, she decided to just release a little steam in hopes of reigning Sienna back in.

"Si, if you don't come up for air in the next five minutes, I'm going to be forced to take further actions. I'm not sure what they are yet, but consequences will be had."

Sienna's eyes went back and forth between her two friends, and by the pleading looks on their faces she could tell, she had gone too far.

"Look, I'm sorry guys. But this is just too much pressure. It's bad enough we have to put a top-notch bridal shower on in such a short period of time, but I have to plan a wedding, too!"

"No you dong!" Aurora quipped. "Ethan and Casey chose the timeline, that's on them. Besides, we can handle a bridal shower, and this isn't your wedding."

"Oh, the hell it isn't!"

Unnamed - Tobias Carrick, Vivian Carrick - Med School Graduation

"Tobias," Vivian called from the other side of the door. "We need to get going. You graduate med school today! No matter... what else has happened... this is a big day and I'm not going to see you miss it."

"Ma... I said I'd be out in a little while, and I will be."

"Yes, but if we're not in the car within the next 10-minutes we'll be late. And don't think I don't know you, that's your plan. You may be smart young man, but you will never outsmart me. Who do you think you got it from?"

He opened the door with a smile that managed to capture defeat, admiration, and determination all at once...

"Fine. You win, as always. But I choose the music for the ride, and you're going to hate it."

"Based on your attitude, it would be better than the conversation," a gentle kiss to his forehead was immediately followed by a sharp smack to the arm. "Now, let's go."

High School Confidential (Working Title) - Most OH Characters - Proms, Dances, Homecomings

"What do you mean you did not go to your prom!" Casey squealed.

"I didn't go to my prom. Do I strike you as the prom type?" Jackie deadpanned. "Look, we can't all be miss unicorns, sunshine and homecoming queen like you. Damn, Casey. I really wouldn't have liked you back then."

"You barely liked me intern year, but you're so off base, that wasn't me at all," Casey defended.

Bryce put down his bottle of beer after choking at her words. "What? You were dating the freaking captain of the football team."

"Yeah, but it wasn't really "dating". And he wasn't a typical "captain of the football team". I was certainly not homecoming queen, that was Becky MacAllistar," Casey shuddered. "Trust me, she did not like me, and vice versa."

"But didn't you end up sharing a limo with her at the prom?" Sienna asked, "I could have sworn you told me that."

"Yeah, but not by choice. It's a bit of a.... story...."

Permatags: @a-crepusculo @animesuck3r @annoyingmillenialnewbie @anonymousrookie @bex-la-get @binny1985 @bluebelle08 @bluerosesbloom @coffeeheartaddict2 @crazy-loca-blog @danijimenezv @darkswagamerpiratecowboyclown @differenttyphoonwerewolf @dorisz @genevievemd @jamespotterthefirst @jennieausten @kingliam2019 @lady-calypso @liaromancewriter @lucy-268 @mainstreetreader @parisa-kh @peonierose @potionsprefect @quixoticdreamer16 @rookiemartin @rosebudde @schnitzelbutterfingers @secretaryunpaid @sillydg @spookycolorpeanut @socalwriterbee @thegreentwin @trappedinfanfiction @txemrn @writer-ish @youlookappropriate @zahrachoices @kachrisberry @fayeswiftie @choiceskatie

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#sunday six #sixish sentence sunday #cfwc sunday six #open heart fanfic #choices fanfic

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nashibirne · 3 years

Text

Gimme Shelter - 3

Chapter 3 anyone? Well...here it comes. I hope you enjoy it. If so, please leave me a comment, like or replog. 💜

Previous part -> Nashi’s Masterlist

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC (Kat Spencer)

Words: ~3.1k

Summary: Henry has to deal with a personal crisis and he finds shelter with his old rugby mate Sam and his sister Kat. She used to be Henry’s best friend a very long time ago. Will they be able to become friends again or maybe even more? Chapter 3: Henry tries to get closer to Kat but there are various obstacles.

Warnings: RPF, mention of mental health issues and panic attacks, language

No beta! All mistakes are mine. English is not my mother tongue so expect bad grammar and wrong spelling.

Disclaimer: I don’t know the real Henry Cavill, this is pure fiction and nothing more

Credits: Pics for the moodboard from Pinterest. Face claims: Kat = Jennifer Connelly, Eli = Stephen James

Taglist (please let me know if you want to be added or removed)

@lunedelorient @inlovewithhisblueeyes @willkatfanfromasia @hell1129-blog @mis-lil-red @agniavateira @kebabgirl67 @omgkatinka @legendarywizarddetective @summersong69 @taebfada @xxxkatxo @madbaddic7ed @artandotherdelights @sweetlybigdragonn @notabronte @littlefreya @luclittlepond @eldarwen333 @meowpurrbooks @marantha @rn7rocks

~~~~~~~~

I should've known better than to cheat a friend

And waste the chance that I'd been given

So I'm never gonna dance again

The way I danced with you, ohh

Never without your love

From Careless Whisper written by Andrew J. Ridgeley / George Michael

Henry was wrong thinking their conversation was the end of Kat's distant behaviour. Sure, it got better but she was still acting aloof and it was clear as day that she still couldn't see him as a friend. She treated him like a guest. Always polite and friendly but keeping her distance and neutrality. And that was the reason why he was really looking forward to tonight. It was Saturday and they were going to visit the city festival that took place every summer and that was a big event in the little town of St. Ives. Henry, Kat and Sam with his girlfriend Lydia, who was a delicate and very pretty black woman with an astonishing amount of energy, always in a good mood and wearing her heart on her sleeve. Henry immediately got why Kat liked her so much, when he met her for the first time a day after he moved in. She was funny and very smart, a real tough cookie but caring and warm-hearted, too. So it was going to be just the four of them and of course he was hoping for a chance to come a little closer to Kat in the relaxed atmosphere of the public party with some music and drinks. Maybe she was able to loosen up around him there.

When they arrived the festival was in full swing. The city was crowded with tourists and locals, smiling faces everywhere and the friends were in a good mood, too. Sam and Lydia were standing arm in arm and Kat was sure her brother had finally found his perfect match. She'd never seen him so in love before and she was genuinely happy for him. Henry went to a stall and came back with four glasses of beer, after he had taken a few selfies with some fangirls. Kat was wondering how he felt about this. About the fact that he got recognized although he was in St. Ives to escape all the media hype and all the pressure that it had put on him in the last years but he didn't seem to care. Maybe he's so used to it that it doesn't bother him, Kat thought, or he's just not showing it. "Cheers." Henry said, smiling at them, holding Kat's gaze a little longer than usual which made her nervous. "Cheers." They answered in unison and Kat started to look around. There were various stalls selling all kinds of stuff, from kitsch to unique art and she even spotted some carousels. The band that had been playing was just leaving the stage right in front of the harbour.

"Isn't that Elijah?" Sam nudged her and nodded at a stall a few meters away.

"Who?" Lydia craned her neck to take a look. "The inked guy?"

"Shit. Yes, that's him." Kat made a face and Henry turned around. There was only one inked guy. He was tall and buff, tattooed from head to toe - literally. He was young, 24 or 25 maybe, and very handsome, Henry had to admit that. Piercing blue eyes, a sharp jawline and high cheekbones, his black hair worn in a stylish undercut, dressed in ripped jeans and a simple white T-shirt.

"This is your fuck boy?" Lydia blurted out. Kat shushed her with an awkward grin. "He was my fuck boy. Past tense."

Henry felt his stomach twist in a strange mix of jealousy, anger and protectiveness.

"Damn, girl. You never mentioned he is that hot. I see why you didn't say no to him."

"Excuse me?" Sam looked at his girlfriend with a frown. "You don't even like tattoos?" Lydia laughed out loud and kissed him. "You're right, baby, he's gross."

"There he comes." Henry said looking at Kat who rolled her eyes.

"Heaven help." She muttered under her breath.

"Kat, good to see you." Ink guy hugged her before he eyed her up and down. "You look great."

"Hi. Thanks. You look good too." She smiled at him and there was an awkward pause until she cleared her throat to introduce him.

"Um, yeah, you know my brother Sam and this is his girlfriend Lydia." She pointed at them. "And here we have our new housemate Henry." She nodded at him and Henry flinched. Housemate. Not friend, just housemate.

"Guys, this is Elijah. We used to do Yoga together."

Elijah glanced at her before he put on a lewd smirk. "Yeah, let's call it Yoga." He raised his eyebrows and gave Kat a sexy wink.

"Speaking of which. I really miss our long and intense...Yoga exercises." He grinned. "I think about you a lot to get into the right mood, whenever I do Yoga...all alone. On my own. Almost every night."

Kat raised an eyebrow and returned his flirtatious smile. "I'm sure you don't have problems finding a new Yoga partner."

"No, I don't. I've tried it with a few. But it's hard to find someone as good as you. As flexible and experienced and passionate...about Yoga."

Kat was speechless for a moment and Elijah stepped closer and whispered loud enough for everyone to hear. "Maybe we can do a session tonight."

Kat looked him in the eyes, biting her bottom lip. "Yeah. Maybe. If I'm in the mood for Yoga later."

He grinned. "See you on the dance floor? The DJ's gonna start his show in a few."

"Sure." Kat nodded.

"Great. See ya, guys." He waved at them and strolled away with a swagger that annoyed Henry.

When he was out of earshot Sam laughed out loud.

"Fuck, sis. Did the guy just tell you, you're his wank-rag?"

Kat knitted her brows with an embarrassed grin. "Shut up, okay? I don't wanna hear anything about this. This conversation never happened." She blushed furiously and Henry would have loved to ask her about the story behind all this but he kept his mouth shut. It was none of his business. He was just the housemate.

*****

It took Henry another four glasses of beer to find the courage to ask her about Mr. Ink anyway.

"So what's going on with you and...Elijah?" Henry faked nonchalance by giving her just a quick glance and a tiny smile.

"Nothing." Kat didn't even look at him. Instead she watched the dancing crowd in front of the stage.

"I see." Henry tried to shrug it off and took another sip of his beer. He knew he shouldn't drink so much but it helped him to loosen up.

"Do you really think it's good for you to drink so much when you're still on your meds?"

Henry wasn't surprised by her question. She had always taken care of him. She had always been his voice of reason.

"No. Actually I know it's a very bad idea."

"But you do it anyway. Some things never change." Kat turned to him, took his glass out of his hands and replaced it with her glass of coke. He accepted it with a lopsided grin and the look they shared when their hands touched for a second made his heart flutter.

"I had a fling with him last year." Kat finally explained. "We went to the same Yoga class and we started to...well...have sex. It only lasted a two months."

"Why did it end?"

"It got a little out of hand. Eli wanted more than booty calls but I didn't. I just wanted casual fucks…"

Henry looked at her with a frown. Of course she misinterpreted his expression.

"Don't you dare judge me, Cavill…" Her voice was tense.

"I don't judge you, Kat. Casual sex can be great, I know that. I'm just surprised. I mean, you used to be the romantic type…"

"Romance is dead, Henry." She tried to temper her words with a smile but he knew that look that crossed her eyes. A mixture of defiance and sadness, that indicated a topic that worried her though she wouldn't want to talk about it. "Kat…." He touched her arm and she flinched as if his hand was burning her. Kat gave Henry an apologetic smile. Shaking her head she took his hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "I'm fine." The way he looked at her -his head cocked, his gaze intense- made her skin tingle and so she quickly averted her eyes.

She constantly had to remind herself of their conversation a few days ago. She was willing to give it a try, to be friends with him again but she just wasn't able to shake off the past. And the mixed emotions she had just thinking about him weren't helpful as well. She was attracted to him more than she wanted to be and at the same time she couldn't stand being too close to him. Henry opened his mouth to say something but before he was able to do so Lydia took Kat by the hand and dragged her away. "Come on, Kat. Let's dance. I love this song."

Elijah found Kat on the dance floor after just five minutes. She seemed to be hesitant at first about dancing with him but after another five minutes she had given in and now Henry was watching them getting closer with every song, moving to the rhythm, Elijah was holding her very close, rubbing his body against hers and it looked pretty hot.

"The guy's got moves, huh?" Sam nudged Henry with a grin.

"Yeah." He couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"If you're so annoyed by him, why don't you do something about it?"

Henry looked at him with a frown. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you can go on watching them dry humping on the dancefloor with hungry eyes or you can go dance with Kat yourself."

Henry let out a snort.

"I don't think your sister wants to dance with me."

"You'll never know if you don't try."

Henry just grunted and tried to shrug it off but Sam didn't want to let him off the hook.

"Just go and dance with her."

"I don't know."

"Oh come on, Cavill. Don't be such a sissy."

"Where's the point, Sam. She hates me."

Sam shook his head. "She doesn't hate you."

"But she doesn't like me either." Henry wasn't convinced.

"She likes you more than she dislikes you." Sam replied cryptically. "Now, come on. Go and put this prick in his place." Sam took Henry's glass and gave him a little shove. "Go." Henry stumbled forward. "Go." Sam repeated. Henry rolled his eyes. "Fine. She thinks I'm an idiot anyway. Not a problem if I make a fool of myself."

Henry made his way through the dancing crowd and when he finally stood right beside them Kat noticed him with a surprised smile. She stopped moving and Elijah gave him an angry glance. "Sorry, but I have to cut in."

"You do?" Kat asked sarcastically. "I do. Sorry, mate." He took Kat's hand and pulled her away from Elijah.

"Fancy a dance?" He indicated a bow and gave her a wink.

Kat grinned and gave Eli an apologetic shrug before turning to Henry again.

"Why not. Show me your moves."

And so they danced. Not as sexy and close as she had danced with Mr. Ink but still. She seemed to be happy and enjoying his company and that was all Henry was asking for. He wasn't the best dancer but it felt okay after the first awkward moments and Kat even touched him from time to time. After the third uptempo song the DJ played a slow track and he pulled Kat closer. She hesitated for a brief moment but then she wrapped her arms around his neck and he held her by her waist. They swayed to the slow music, their bodies not touching but their eyes met and Henry was wondering if Kat's heart was racing as fast as his.

Kat's heart was indeed racing. So many years ago this had been all she'd ever wished for. To dance with him to a romantic song. To feel his hands on her body. To be close to him. But those teenage dreams belonged to the past. She didn't believe in the idea of everlasting love anymore. She had given up on waiting for 'the one' a long time ago. And even if she had this tiny spark of hope for finding true love remaining in the darkest corners of her mind, it couldn't be Henry, could it? Her heart and mind screamed no. No, woman, he broke your heart. Don't get too close to him. You're going to burn your fingers. Again. He's not the one for you. But her body said yes. Go for it, woman. You're attracted to him. You've yearned for him 22 years, now get what you're craving.

Kat started to panic when Henry's gaze got more and more intense. She felt like drowning in his ocean blue eyes and burning up in his body heat at the same time. She knew that warm, fluttery feeling in her belly that was caused by his smile and his touch too well and she wouldn't let this happen again. He might have tricked her once but she wouldn't let him trick her twice. No fucking way.

Kat let go of his neck and took a step back and he knew their dance was over. Elijah gladly took over again and all Henry could do was to quit the field.

****

When Kat came home the next morning she found Sam in the kitchen making scrambled eggs and bacon.

"Morning. That smells heavenly."

"Morning. Will be done in a minute if you want some."

"I'd love to. I'm starving."

Sam turned around with a smirk.

"Really? No morning-after-breakfast at Elijah's?"

Kat rolled her eyes. "I didn't want to stay any longer, it just makes things awkward."

"I see. Is this going to be a regular thing again? You and your toyboy?"

"No." Kat shook her head. "Definitely not. Where are Lydia and Henry?"

"Lydia has a bad hangover and Henry….well, I guess he's still asleep. He didn't feel well last night." Sam turned around and gave his sister a plate filled with eggs, bacon and a bagel. Kat looked at him with a frown. "How's that? He was fine when I left. Did he drink too much?"

"No, no, he just had water after you scolded him for drinking." Sam winked at her with a grin. Getting serious he sat down and looked at her. "He had some kind of panic attack. Just freaked out…"

"God, Sam. That's awful. What happened?" Kat looked at her brother with a stunned expression on her face.

"I don't really know. It began with some people that recognized him. He took photos with them, it didn't seem to be a problem but then more and more fans came and surrounded him and he did his best to be nice and fulfill all their requests, he signed shirts and took selfies, one girl wanted his signature on her bra, it was crazy and soon got out of hand. I could see the panic in his eyes although he did his best to hide it. He was so polite and kind although a drunk guy, I guess the boyfriend of one of his fans, started to insult him. But at some point his face turned so pale and his hands started to shake, I was afraid he was about to pass out."

"Oh my god." Kat was really worried, Sam could easily tell by the deep frown and the knitted brows. "What did you do?"

"I got him out of there. Lydia calmed down the remaining fans and told them he had the flu or something and we went home."

"What did Henry say? Was it his first panic attack?"

"He didn't say much, didn't really want to talk about it. He went straight to bed. It was horrible, Kat."

"Shit."

"Yeah. I thought I'd bring him breakfast later. Or maybe you want to do it?"

Sam looked at Kat while he was eating a piece of bacon.

"I don't know, Sam."

"He trusts you, Kat."

"You are his friend."

"I'm his mate, that's a difference."

"No, it's quibble. You and him are closer than me and him. Whatever you call it." Kat arched an eyebrow and gave her brother an annoyed glance.

"Oh, come on,you know how it is, Kat. Guys don't talk about emotional stuff like this…"

"Maybe I don't want to talk about emotional stuff with him either."

Sam gave her a knowing look. "Are you afraid you're gonna fall for him again?"

Kat blinked repeatedly, speechless for a moment.

"What are you talking about?" She crossed her arms in front of her chest. Sam leaned back in his chair. "Look, Kat, I know I was busy with my own love life at school but I wasn't completely blind. I know you were in love with Henry. You always denied it but it was obvious to me. I knew you were lying when you said he's just a friend to you and I know that your friendship ended out of the blue when Hen and Poppy became a thing. So it's not so hard to draw the conclusion that he broke your heart and that you're afraid that history is going to repeat itself."

Kat chewed on her bottom lip but she didn't say a word. She just shrugged and pulled off pieces of her bagel absent minded.

"I think he needs you, Kat. He needs what the two of you had at school. That deep, unconditional kind of friendship. I can't give him that, we're not close enough, but you can."

She looked at Sam with a frown.

"I'm not so sure. It's not that easy. What we had back then is gone."

"I'm sure it's not. It's just buried under your past. You can dig it out."

Kat closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose with a deep sigh. "I'm not a therapist."

"Good, because he has a therapist. What he doesn't have is someone who knows him like you do. Someone he can trust."

"Alright. I'll do it. I'm gonna bring him his breakfast and see if he wants to talk but I'm going to blame you if this ends in disaster."

~~~~~~

tbc

#rpf #henry cavill rpf #henry cavill #cavillry #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill x ofc #friends to lovers #slow burn #Spotify

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thefallenbibliophilequote · 3 years

Text

I Know Places

Loki x Reader

1989, chapter 12

"And everyone was watching"

Summary: It's hard to find the one, but even if you do find him it's always going to be a daily struggle to make it work. Can you even make it work after he broke your heart? The answer to that is complicated, but it all started when you found each other again in the stark tower- and that's where our story begins.

Word count: 5,106

Warnings: an intense game of Uno, angst, fluff, Odin, and one perfect punch. Not in that order.

A/N: we are so close to the end! Thank you @chrissquares for the beautiful dividers! And thank you so much for @nacho-bucky for beta reading this for me!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Series masterlist

Song on Spotify and YouTube

His hands were on your waistline yet again when you woke up. It has been this way ever since Bruce cleared you from the med bay. Loki refused to leave your side. Every time as you fell asleep you felt the tingles of Loki's magic, helping you calm your mind and dream peacefully. Loki had told you all about what happened, so once he managed to get through your powers he took it upon himself to make sure you sleep safe and sound. You didn't remember your dreams, yet whenever you woke up you could not feel more at peace. It had been far too long without Loki for you- it always was.

You slowly cracked your eyes open through the daylight, coming face to face with the trickster god sound asleep. You couldn't help the smile that took over you- he looked so young, so innocent, here sleeping next to you with a soft light casting shadows on his long lashes. You brushed a strand of hair from his face and when he stirred you turned around and backed into his embrace.

"Good morning, darling."

"Good morning, Loki." You hid your head into the soft pillow loving how it now smelt of him, taking his hand that was draped over you and lacing your fingers with his, tightening his hold on you.

Opening your eyes you looked at the small blaze that stayed seated on your bedside drawer.

"Oh shoot, we forgot to put the candles out last night." You looked around the room where candles were still lit up, giving the room a warm light besides the illumination from outside.

"Leave it, darling. Let's go back to sleep." He kissed the side of your neck, grunting when you got out of the bed, leaving him in the warm sheets. "You don't need to put them out."

"It's dangerous, Loki, it'll take just a moment."

You went around the room and put out the small fires along the way, one by one. You got to your dresser and blew on the candle softly before stepping away, and then you noticed it didn't die out. You blew on it again and yet it only swayed.

"I can't put this one out." You tried again.

"Maybe it doesn't want to, just leave it be." Loki groaned as he stretched in bed. "Leave it lit."

You huffed and blew on it again with more force, and the fragile little flame burnt out, leaving the room lit only by the outside rising sun.

Satisfied with yourself, you went back to the bed, and fell on top of Loki with a giggle.

"Okay, now we can rest."

•

The walls were filled with hushed chatter as Thor passed the gold filled halls. He went through the familiar corridors with his head held up high until the guards pushed open the door for him and he entered the throne room.

"My son, what have you come here to inform me?" Odin looked down upon the golden haired prince as he walked towards the stairs of the Allfather.

"Well Father, I'm sure you will be glad to hear that we managed to find Y/N and she is all better now." Thor smiled at his father before continuing, "We also found the missing weapons, but I'm afraid there are some bad news as well…"

"Well, get on with it."

"We figured out who was responsible for the missing weapons- apparently it was Lady Iyllir, Father."

"What? How preposterous. You can't expect me to believe that! The lady and her family are very well respected, and the young lady is to marry your brother soon!"

"During the battle we saw her there- she was threatening Y/N and others. Loki had to take her down." Thor tried explaining to his father, but it was of no use. "I saw it."

"You saw it? Are you certain Loki didn't just act without thinking?" Odin questioned his son, Thor just nodded, remembering how Loki had looked at you when you laid motionless as they took you back from the warehouse.

"I have no doubt that he thought it though, what was done was necessary and just."

Odin only hummed, considering his son's claims.

"It ended as it should have, and besides- we got everything back!" Thor laughed lightly, smiling at his father but it didn't last long.

"Not everything."

•

"As much as I love having you back, kid, I will have Steve ground you to your room if you do what you're about to do!" Tony threatened you and you bit your lip to hide your smile. You looked to Natasha in front of you, and to Loki next to you, before laying the card on the center of the table.

"Take four, Uno." You let the smirk take over your face.

"Gosh-darn it- fucking hell-" Tony grumbled as he took cards from the pile.

"Come on Tony leave her alone, her cards were just better than yours." Steve chuckled and looked over at you.

"Yeah Tony, I won fair and square." Loki smirked besides you and put a hand around your waist.

"No, I don't trust it." Tony pointed at Loki and then at you. "You helped her cheat, didn't you?"

"I don't know what you mean, Stark." Loki tilted his head a bit in a show of innocence, but Tony didn't have any of it. "Why would I interfere in the game?"

"You kids are in love, that gives you motive!"

"Perhaps, but alas you have no proof." You could feel him relax next to you as others laughed and some even threw cards around until you couldn't continue playing the game and instead you just talked about nothing in particular and ate snacks.

You looked around at all your friends with a small smile on your lips. It felt all too familiar and yet so foreign to you. You never thought you would have this, a family doesn't end in blood but it doesn't have to start there either. There, through the spies and geniuses, you found a place where you felt protected and happy- a safe haven. Maybe every bait and switch in the tapestry of your life was a work of art that was meant to bring you all the way here. It was almost perfect, you almost had everything you could wish for but you decided not to dwell on that now while Loki was smiling so openly and Steve was laughing alongside the group that gathered around you- surrounding you with warmth even December storms couldn't penetrate.

"Love," Loki called you in a quiet voice. You looked up at him. "What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

You almost winced at that, but you only shook your head.

"I'm just-" for luck of a better word, "home."

You stayed in the compound with the team for the weekend, the quiet outside and the trees helped all of you get some normalcy after everything that happened. You missed that.

It seemed like Loki understood you, he always did, as he kissed your forehead and brought you back to the conversation. It was almost weird seeing him exchanging non harmful snarky comments with Bucky, and somehow getting along with your newfound family, but you only took it with a smile, basking in the warm feeling as you caught Steve's eye and offered him a smile which he returned. You couldn't wish for anything better than this.

•

Loki has been called by Odin to a meeting, and so he reluctantly got out of your bed as daylight reached your window and was now walking into the palace. He was stopped in his tracks, however, by a shriek.

"You!" he turned to see Iyllir's mother pacing fast towards him with her husband trailing behind her. "You are a murderer, you killed our daughter and you dare walk here with pride? You are a disgusting vile frost giant-"

"If I were you, I would be careful with how you talk to your prince." He sharply replied. Loki didn't spare a thought about Iyllir's parents- or her demise at all, so it didn't occur to him that her parents would still be at the palace. "I understand your grief, I sincerely apologize for it, but your daughter was a traitor of Asgard and forced my hand. The deed was justified."

"You can say whatever you want, prince," Iyllir's father spat the word at him and he clenched his jaw, trying to keep his composure. "Our daughter only did it because of you! I heard the rumors, everyone knows about the Midgardian girl you chose over Iyllir! She was simply doing what had to be done to make you choose correctly!"

The yells started to draw the attention of the workers who were around the palace entrance, he could hear them whisper as they passed by. It's a scene that he is out here in clear sight with the mother and father of the girl he had killed.

"You are nothing but a cunning little fox, a pretend prince, thinking that a mortal could be with such a monster. Don't you know that their petty little lives are but a fraction of ours? Nothing can come out of it but you suffering- and I hope that you will suffer immensely." The once graceful lady was gritting her teeth now. "And as from what I know from Midgard, you can run but the hunters are always hunting for foxes like you."

Loki had had enough of it.

"If that is supposed to be a threat then it is a poor one," his voice was low now and he was satisfied with the way their eyes went wide and they took a step back when he took a step forward. "I suggest you leave Asgard, for good, before I show you what it is like to be hunted. You won't last long, I assure you of that, I will make sure you feel how insignificant you are that you think you can talk to me in such a way. Your daughter hurt the woman I love, and her death was quick but I promise it will not be the case with you if you even dare talk about my love in such a way."

He took pride at the fright in their eyes, the way they scrambled away into the nearest carriage.

Straightening his collar, his sharp glare silenced every whisper in the hallway as he made his way to Odin.

•

You stood in the kitchen, making a batch of pancakes when you saw Loki enter the kitchen. You walked to him with a smile.

"Loki! You're finally back, would you like some pancakes?" You leaned up to kiss him but you barely felt him return it. He seemed to be considering your offer for a bit too long, before he nodded.

"Of course, my love, I would love it." He smiled at you and it made you forget everything else, as well as the batch you had on the pan that was getting burned by the second. Loki scrunched his nose, "Why do I smell smoke?"

You spent the day with Loki, a lazy Saturday afternoon with your lover, a perfect day.

Loki didn't seem to talk much, he didn't have that usual spark in his eye that you always saw. But that was okay, you managed to bring it out of him, you always did.

Your lazy day got ruined when Natasha and Sam showed up at the entrance of the common room with a bucket full of filled out water balloons and a hefty amount of water guns.

"Grab your weapon of choice, Bucky started this so we are going hunting- and you are on our team."

You turned to Loki with a smile; maybe this will cheer him up.

"What do you say, trickster? Do you want to go hunting?" with a smirk Natasha threw a gun your way and Sam threw one towards Loki, as you got up you missed the ghostly look that crossed Loki's face.

Now, you were sure that Bucky and Steve started this as a friendly fight. But the two punks were now running away as the fight turned into a war.

"Come on now Y/N, won't you spare me?" Steve had a mischievous glint in his eyes that betrayed his words. You had him cornered as he had his hands held up at the loaded gun you were pointing at him. You disarmed him from his own water balloons.

"I'm sorry Cap, you started it." As you started spraying him with water he ducked to the side and grabbed water balloons.

"Run."

And run you did, you saw as others fought beside you, when you spotted Loki you grabbed his hand and took him with you. You sprayed water behind you when you tried to lose the ones who chased.

"Where are we running?"

"Come on, I know a place we won't be found!" you giggled when a balloon hit Loki and he glared at Steve who was right on your tail, grabbing your gun and aiming right at his face. At the shriek you heard you knew Loki hit his target.

You ran for the fences up ahead, yelling at Loki to jump right when you did.

"Love," he tried to keep up with you as you pulled him with you. "You have failed to tell me where we are going."

"You'll see! They can't track us here." you took a sharp turn when you reached the woods until you stopped in front of a big tree. You started climbing it and Loki followed until you got high enough that you saw above the other trees. There you decided to lean on the tree while sitting on a wide tree branch with Loki by your side.

Loki kissed the palm of your hand and no words were exchanged when you played with his hair and you watched the skies as they turned into a canvas of warmer shades of colours.

•

Days have passed as you went back to the tower and you found yourself waking up to a cold bed, and if Loki was there with you then he disappeared during the day with the same explanation, "I have a meeting in Asgard."

At what point does an explanation become an excuse?

One day you decided to distract yourself with cleaning your room, so you started with your dresser. Pulling out boxes of jewelry you went to open them and start sorting when you caught side of a green glimmer in the dead of the night just outside of your door and with sudden annoyance you threw the box you held back into the drawer then you closed it and got up from the floor.

"Hi love-" Loki started, smiling when he saw you again.

"Loki, tell me what's going on, you are gone so much lately!" He gave you a smile that you knew all too well.

"I told you-"

"No excuses! What's wrong up there in Asgard?" You sat on your bed and Loki stood in front of you, you tried to pull him to sit beside you but he didn't budge. You saw the resolve fall from his face and his sharp cheekbones only enhanced the somber look he had now.

"It seems that my brother has loose lips whenever he talks to my father, and some talks have spread."

"And what about it?" you tilted your head to the side and watched him as he tried to keep his composure; you saw the anger flash in his eyes but it wasn't directed at you.

"Well, it seems that my father is not pleased about everything that occurred."

"Of course he isn't, but I'm sure Thor made it better if anything!" you drew circles on his palms with your thumbs.

"No, he isn't pleased with what was taken from Asgard- he isn't pleased that a mortal has Asgardian powers," he clutched your hands in his when you started to let go. "He isn't pleased with you."

Now you were the crestfallen one. You tried not to get lost in your head.

"What does he want?" Loki knew you were trying to hide the fear that was sinking deep within you.

You adjusted the skirt of your dress, standing nervously in the middle of the room. You weren't really sure why you were feeling this anxious when you've seen Loki hundreds of times before, but now you knew why as you were straightening your dress you remembered that you bought it because of him- for him. The green of it reminded you of the shirt he often wears; when you complimented him he admitted to it being his favourite colour.

You hoped he would like it.

So yeah it was just another movie night with Loki, but it was the first one after you realized you were in love with him, after you actually let your feelings get inside your head and take over your actions.

The familiar gentle knock on the door startled you from the daze and you went to open the door to Loki.

There he stood in front of you in his green dress shirt- he always dressed like he was a royal going to a gala of some sort. And you loved it.

"Hi darling," Loki took a minute to look you over at the dress you wore. He had to tear his eyes away from your body to look into your eyes. "What are we watching this time?"

He smiled at you as he walked in and you willed yourself to act naturally- he was your best friend, nothing changed.

"I like the dress, you look marvelous in it." You decided to go to the kitchen to get some much needed water and snacks for the movie.

"Yes, thank you." You took pride at the steady voice you managed to voice out.

Loki stood there in the middle of the living room and admired the way your body looked as you wore his colours. He put his hand over the pocket of his pants, feeling the golden necklace he got you. In Asgard it would seem like courting- giving a lady a necklace such as this, but he hoped in Midgard it is regarded as something more casual. He wouldn't want to give away his own feelings that seemed to burst through. Loki knows he can be comfortable around you- you made him feel welcomed and loved. But this feeling is new to him, this feeling towards you was new as well.

He didn't know he was smiling until you walked up to him with a smile and his favourite snacks.

"Let's start!"

As the movie went on you felt more like yourself with him, the chemistry was still there just like he was still your best friend- your newfound feelings didn't change it and you were grateful for that.

"I could never be that," you said suddenly during the movie.

"What do you mean?" You had your legs curled under you as you sat on the couch next to Loki. You turned to him, setting your drink down.

"A hero." When he gave you a strange look you continued. "I know that magic doesn't exist, but everyone dream for it. And I know that everyone, me included, would want to enter that magical universe and get out of this mundane world- but in reality it is never what it seems like."

"But wouldn't you like magic?" Loki felt his heart drop at your words. "You love all of these movies and all of them have magic in them."

"I would love it! But think about it Loki, in reality it would be such a difficult life, even the characters there know it and we see it. So yeah I would love it, but I think it could never be peaceful and it would only end up hurting. So I can long for it, but I don't think I would like to have it," you explained and bit your lip before looking at him. "I'm happy right now."

You smiled at him and continued watching the movie. He decided it is probably better if he didn't give you the necklace tonight.

•

Whatever you imagined Asgard would be like after the countless stories Loki had told you- nothing could have prepared you for the extravagant sights of it. Golden arches and flush greenery everywhere you went. You knew Asgard was a place for the gods, it was a dreamland and yet still this was far from the capabilities of your mind.

The sights of it drew your attention from the reason you were coming here in the first place. That was until you felt Loki's hand squeeze your own, and you started to really notice your surroundings.

You heard the whispers of the Asgardian people as you passed by, standing between Thor and Loki. You saw the judgmental looks people sent your way when they saw Loki's hand was entwined with yours.

Then you saw the palace. If it were any other day, you could've pretended that you were there with Loki for a ball like the one you imagined so many times so long ago. But now you were filled with dread that you were certain you were going to throw up, and it wasn't because of the travel.

The travel was nice comparing to what you expected, a man named Heimdall greeted you and when you looked into his eyes you felt as if he could see through you, as if he knew everything about you. He was still nice to you, wishing you luck as you walked on the bridge towards the palace. You didn't know how he knew but you accepted the welcomed wish.

Loki and Thor were both quiet as you stepped through the guards and when you passed the gate chills went down your spine. You felt as if you were trapped in a box when they closed it behind you, like you just walked into a gilded cage.

You understood what Loki was always ranting to you about- it was stifling in here.

Loki guided you until the three of you reached dark yet golden doors that behind them you knew the Allfather sat. right before the doors opened you looked over at Loki and at the sight of his tense face and hollowed eyes you remembered it all: all the countless times Loki came home to you in distress and on the brink of crying, all those times you had to hold him until his mind finally let him sleep, all those times were you had to force Loki out of all the toxic self destructive thoughts that were planted in his head by his father.

You weren't as scared anymore when the doors opened and you walked forward, holding Loki's hand tightly.

You hated him from the minute you saw him. A king sat there on a throne, you didn't expect anything else but what caught your eye and fuelled your already blazing hatred were the stairs. The throne he was sitting on was placed on the top of a line of stairs that led up to him, letting him look down at anyone who entered the place. It disgusted you, but you had to keep your cool for now, for Loki.

You remembered everything that Loki and the team explained to you about what happened during all this time that the two of you were apart. And most of all you remembered your promise.

"Ah my children, you finally arrived." Odin said before looking at you. You refused to let him see your fear, so you straightened your back but still kept holding Loki's hand. "And are you the midgardian girl I have heard so much about, Y/N?"

You looked at Loki who squeezed your hand and gave you a small nod with a little smile.

"Yes, I am." You tucked your hair behind your ears before getting to what you really were here for. "I heard that you wanted to talk about my powers."

"Yes, my child. Come forward." He told you and you reluctantly let go of Loki's hand. Loki looked at his brother who seemed just as agitated as he was and that was already not a good sign. "I'm assuming you have been told already that by Loki's mistake you have received Asgardian powers. The kind of powers you have are of the ancient arts of Asgard."

"Okay, what about it? Loki protected me and I ended up getting these powers that I have learned to control over the years." you furrowed your brows at the information and tried to smile at your own claims, it had been difficult to process but you understood your powers better now.

"That is well, my child." Odin rested his hand on the armchair and leaned back with his staff. "But since these powers are Asgardian, a mortal should not have them. They shall be taken away from you."

"I beg your pardon?"

"What the fuck?" you and Loki spoke at the same time.

"Father, you cannot do this, she is more than worthy to carry these powers." Loki came forward to stand in front of you now, protective.

"I agree, Father the powers have chosen her. These types of ancient powers were supposed to kill a mere mortal but they didn't, that surely means something about her capabilities." Thor added and stepped forward too, putting a hand on your shoulder. You looked down as you got lost in thought before speaking up.

"How can you do it? Take my powers away, I mean." Loki turned to you but you kept your gaze on the floor.

"Well dear, I am the Allfather, ruler of Asgard and the 9 realms. I am capable of doing things you- a mere mortal, cannot comprehend. And about how I would go about it-"

"May I approach you, before you continue?" you then asked, and it took him a second to consider it before he nodded. What is the harm in a midgardian girl being by him? You shrugged Loki's hand off when he went to take your arm. He was downright scared by the look in your eyes.

You went up the stairs towards the almighty Allfather and when you were on his level, he leaned forward in the chair awaiting what you had to say to him.

"While you are all that, I am Y/N, a human girl from earth and-" you smiled at him before taking your fist and colliding it with his cheek, making him throw his head back in the process. The look of fury didn't startle you when you met his gaze. "I'm sorry, but I made a promise a long time ago, Your Highness." You bowed your head and walked back down the stairs to Loki, who seemed to be at war between a prideful smile and fear for your safety.

"How dare you, you cannot do such a thing-" Odin stood up with his staff ready.

"Can't I?" you tilted your head at him as you stood next to Loki. "I didn't use my powers like I so easily could, because I didn't want to. So do continue what you said."

"Are you mad?" Loki whisper yelled in your ear.

"Quite possibly." You turned to kiss his cheek and found that hidden mischief in his eyes that you loved so.

"Father, please forgive her, I am certain the lady was just upset about the new information."

"Oh no I wholeheartedly meant that." Thor gave you an exasperated look before Odin dismissed him.

"Well as a matter of fact, extracting the powers away from you will involve a very deep process since the powers are so attached to you and your mind. Extracting those means also extracting all the memories of everything your powers have touched or affected- as well as their source."

You did not appreciate the satisfied look he had on when your own face fell as you took in his words. You couldn't be comforted by Loki who you knew would have detected a lie if Odin had uttered it as a form of revenge and pettiness.

You knew that there was no choice as far as Odin was concerned, but you knew Loki and you could feel his brilliant mind spinning around seeking a way out for you, he may have let Odin hurt him but hurting you is crossing a line no one will come back alive from.

So you did have a choice in fact, but given the opportunity you never thought you'd have, the answer wasn't hard to pick.

"Okay." You heard your own voice pick the path you will walk on, your voice was quiet but you knew they all heard you clearly.

"Y/N!" Loki turned to you and you did too. "You don't have to do this, don't think that because he says so I will let it happen when you don't want it!"

"I want it, Loki."

"You what?" he was taken aback- his eyes were studying you now, calculating an explanation.

"These powers Loki, they are not good."

"No, don't say that, don't let him convince you that something about yourself is bad- Norns, darling nothing about you in bad."

He cupped your cheek, trying to get you to understand. But he didn't understand what you were saying. Your eyes turned glossy with unshed tears.

"It's horrible, these powers are evil- I don't want them anymore." You searched his blue eyes but all you got was resistance."I felt them Loki, I felt them and they hurt. I want them gone, and now I have a way to do it."

"No, love can't you see? I've been trying to tell you this from the beginning- Your powers don't only cause harm. They can also heal and calm people down, they can do good- you are good."

"I've been there Loki- inside my mind, and all these powers are just dark. They hurt me, I don't want them anymore. I don't want it, they are staining me like blood on my hands- I don't want to carry this around anymore." You put your head in the crook of his neck, seeking comfort in his touch.

Loki froze in place at your words, they broke his heart because of the way you felt, but you also broke his heart because if you choose to lose your powers then…

Next thing you knew Loki moved away from you and walked out of the door before you could chase after him.

"Loki!"

•

Tags: @ayybtch @buckys-other-punk @chaoticpete @madcrazy50 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @the-departed-potato @rogerrhqpsody @onceupona-happilyeverafter-love @percabethismyotp14

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yikesharringrove · 4 years

Note

oh god okay feel free to ignore this if you want, idk? but um ive been really struggling with eating lately (like i just kinda panicked about the thought of eating?) and you're really good at writing all this kind of stuff so maybe billy struggling with eating after starcourt (for medical and mental reasons) and steve helping but still bring gentle and encouraging (totally okay if this is a sensitive for you or if you don't want to write it 💕)

This is pretty heavy.

Under the cut for medical stuff, disordered eating, talks of throw up (nothing graphic), me projecting.

The first bit under the cut is my medical story, so skip that if you would like.

Read on Ao3

So, oof. A little background. I spent three years misdiagnosed when I was young. I was so sick and in so much pain (one of my organs had literally died) that I couldn’t eat. If I did, I was in such severe pain I would throw up. I was 5 feet tall and weighed 62 pounds. If I had lost 2 pounds, I would’ve had an intestinal feeding tube. The doctors thought I just had an eating disorder from doing ballet. They would look at my chart, see another chronic illness I have, and blame my pain on that. They found what was wrong BY ACCIDENT and fixed it within a few hours in one (1) surgery.

So this is based largely on that.

He pushed the mashed potatoes around the plate.

“I thought hospital food was supposed to be like, bad. This is pretty alright.” Steve had wolfed down the plate he had gotten himself, not paying much attention to how the plate he had brought Billy was still full.

“Yeah. It’s okay.” He had taken one bite.

He felt fucking sick.

The thought of food, of something in his sore stomach, made him want to hurl.

“You’re not eating?” Steve’s eyebrows were scrunched up, concerned.

“Don’t feel too good.”

“Would something sound better? I could get you whatever you wanted.”

“Um, just like a ginger ale or something. Then I’ll try eating again.” That was his go-to. Ginger ale or Sprite, the carbonation helped his stomach enough that he could force some food down for a while.

Steve got him a few cans from the vending machine.

He ended up taking three bites of potato.

Steve made dinner when he finally got to come home.

They had decided he would move in with Steve, “live” in the bedroom across the hall, but they both knew he would be spending the most time in Steve’s room.

He had just made buttered noddles, nothing that would be hard on Billy’s weak stomach, but he had made the noodles from scratch.

And Billy was just staring at them.

“You feeling okay?”

“Just, uh, you know. Stomach’s kinda off.” Steve got him a can of ginger ale from the fridge, slid it to him with a bright smile.

The gesture was sweet, but Billy just didn’t want to risk it.

Every night he spent heaving into the toilet, it made his muscles seize and hurt. It made his throat burn for hours, made him feel like he was wasting away to nothing.

He always used the same hole on his belts.

He knew it was the right one from the way the leather was stretched a bit, the buckle leaving indents on it.

But that was too big now.

Did nothing to hold up his pants.

His pants that used to fit.

He tightened his belt.

Two notches. He was two notches thinner.

Billy could hear the blender when he woke up.

He was curious as to what Steve was doing, what the fuck he was blending up.

He came downstairs, found Steve with grocery bags all around the kitchen.

“Hey! I’ve been doing some research.” He poured the thick smoothie into a blender. “I think this might be easier for you to eat and keep down. There’s protein powder and some ginger, that should help keep your stomach calm, and spinach and some fruit and stuff.” Steve was fidgeting with his hands.

“Thank you.” Billy sat down with it.

Steve let him take his time, let him drink it in tiny sips.

He was about halfway through when he threw it all up.

Billy hadn’t eaten in two days.

But he also hadn’t thrown up in just as long.

Steve poked a plate of plain toast towards him.

Billy stared at it.

Steve sighed.

“Will you just, take one bite? For me?”

He took the smallest bite he possibly could.

Steve let him wait ten minutes before he pushed the toast back towards him.

They continued that until Billy finished the toast, waiting a while between each bite in order to make sure it wasn’t on it’s way back up.

He kept it down almost the whole night, until the pain in his stomach flared again and he was heaving into the large mixing bowl Steve kept next to the bed.

Billy was laying on the bed, curled into himself, clutching his stomach.

Steve had been behind him almost all day, rubbing his back, talking in a low soothing voice.

He left when there was a pounding on the door. He left the door open, Billy could hear Max’s voice.

“Jesus, Max. You’re a mess.”

“It’s, it’s raining. And I fell.”

“Why were you skateboarding in the rain?”

“I um, I remembered, whenever Billy felt sick, he liked eating lime popcicles, and I went to Melvald’s, and I got some.”

She sounded hysterical.

“Alright, thank you, Max. Thank you. Let’s get you cleaned up.” He heard them coming up the stairs, going into the bathroom on the landing he kept the first aid kit in.

They were in there for a while before Steve came in, talking in that soft voice he always uses.

“Billy, Max is here.”

It felt like a feat for him to roll over.

Her knees were bandaged up, and her face was splotchy.

“Hey, Shitbird.”

“You look like shit.” He huffed a laugh.”

“Feel like it, too.” Her lip trembled. He didn’t want that. “Hey, thanks for the popcicles. Can I get one? Lime, right?”

“Yeah. Lime.” Steve helped him sit up, gave him one of the popcicles.

It tasted good, and the cold was nice on his throat.

And he even kept the whole thing down.

Steve was standing next to Billy as they waited for the doctor.

He had lost nearly thirty pounds since he’d been home. His muscle was nearly entirely gone.

“Steve, just, play it cool.”

“I will not.” He had his pissed off mom face on, and Billy knew he had no qualms about yelling at a doctor.

“Steve, this is just, my life now.”

“No. I refuse to accept that.”

“You yell at Owens every time we’ve come in for the past four months, Steve.”

“And I’m gonna keep yelling until shit gets fixed.”

There was a rap on the door before Dr. Owens let himself in.

“You need to help him.” Billy huffed as Steve started in immediately.

“Um, good morning to you both.” Dr. Owens looked between the two of them.

“Billy can’t eat without throwing up. Look at him. He’s fucking wasting away.”

“Steve-”

“No. I can’t take it anymore. There is something fucking wrong. It is your job to fix it.”

Owens’ eyes were wide, Steve was on a roll.

“Every day, every day he can’t eat anything. He won’t because he’s in pain, and he’d rather not eat than throw everything up. And you need to help him.”

Owens was quiet.

“Let’s run some tests.”

Billy was in imaging within a few minutes. He had an x-ray done of his abdomen, and Owens ordered several blood tests.

They were in another room, Billy was having an ultrasound done of his entire stomach.

The tech was looking at his intestines, finding everything normal.

“Look, you’re already doing all this, can’t you just kinda, poke around?”

“I’m not sure-”

“Just kinda,” Steve made a vague wiggling gesture around Billy’s stomach.

She gave him a look.

But she sighed, moving the wand up his body.

“Huh?”

“Wait, what’s huh?”

“Um, excuse me.” She left in a hurry.

“Wait, you think they found something?” Billy’s eyes were side.

“If they did, and I was right, you’re never gonna hear the end of it.” Billy rolled his eyes.

The tech returned with an older woman, pointing at the screen and discussing in low voices.

And then the doctor was leaving again, and the tech was wiping his stomach.

“So, we’re going to prep an operation room. We’re going to have you in there as soon as we can.”

“Wait, what?”

“His gallbladder is infected.” Steve was fucking grinning when he turned back to Billy.

“So, I was right?”

“Steve, read the room. Surgery.”

“Oh, fuck.”

Steve was biting his nails.

The chairs in the waiting room were stiff and uncomfortable.

They were given the run down. Billy’s gallbladder had become infected. Probably due to the traumatic situation of his injuries and the many surgeries it took to put him back together.

It was almost completely dead inside his body, causing severe pain and all the vomiting. The doctor had explained that his rapid weight loss had probably only hurt it more.

They said it would take about two hours to remove.

Steve had been staring at the large clock as the two hours clicked by.

It was creeping up on two and a half, and he was getting fucking antsy.

He scrambled to his feet when a nurse called him back.

“You family?”

“Yeah, I’m his brother.” It was easier to lie. He needed to see him.

“He should be waking up very soon. It’s easier if there’s family. His surgery went well, the surgeons were able to remove his gallbladder with no other complications. He may be in pain and delirious when he wakes up, put that will pass, and we can give him more medicine if he needs.” They had stopped in front of a nondescript door.

Steve let himself in, taking the seat closest to Billy’s bed, taking his hand. His eyes were already blinking slowly. He smiled softly when he saw Steve.

“Pretty,” his voice was soft.

“Hey, Baby. I’m right here for you.”

“Thanks for, thanks for fightin’.” Steve smiled back at him, running a hand through his hair.

“Of course, Bill. I’ll always fight for you.”

“Love you.”

“I love you, too.” Billy smiled again. “You feelin’ okay? Need more meds?”

“Nah. Feelin’ good. Feelin’ high.”

“Yeah, they gave you the good drugs.”

“Good drugs.” He laid back in the pillow, his eyelids looking heavy.

“Go to sleep if you’re tired, Bill.”

“Don’t wanna. Wanna see you.”

“I’ll be here when you wake up again.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Steve kissed his hand.

#i was literally so skinny the doctor found out i had slight scoliosis just by me like standing there #yikes writes #tw disordered eating #tw eating #tw eating disorder #tw medical anorexia #tw throw up #tw vomit #steve harrington #billy hargrove #steve harrington x billy hargrove #billy hargrove x steve harrington #harringrove #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #harringrove drabble

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eds-zebra-warrior · 3 years

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2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 9 Prompt: Inclusion)

Inclusion is a difficult topic for me as it's very difficult to feel included. This actually comes hand in hand with discrimination, segregation and inequality, especially being someone with EDS who can’t walk. When it comes to family, I can go into my own house and into my neighbor's house and that's about it. I grew up in the invisible illness community, eventually making me part of the rare disease community. As my symptoms progressed and I was paralyzed, becoming a permanent wheelchair user, then fell into the visible illness community. I will explain my lack of inclusion not only among the community, friends and family but also exclusion I face within the medical system and law enforcement.

I have been excluded by all outings and holidays by my extended family. My aunt likes to have holidays at her house and had a wheelchair ramp installed when her mom got older. Not long after the passing of my grandma, I was paralyzed, going into a chair. Being in a chair and my aunt knowing I cannot walk soon after removing the ramp from her house with little to no consideration of my needs so now when she has holiday dinners at her house I cannot go. I brought up the ramp once and she said “Well I didn't think about you” then later I realized how hurtful and mean what she said was so I sat down asking questions like “So you can't walk at all? “Have you ever tried to see if you can stand up?” “Well what about physical therapy?” “Well, I went to physical therapy when I had cancer and it helped a lot so I don't know why it didn't help you.” Which honestly was even more hurtful because I am not even a candidate for physical therapy after being paralyzed during physical therapy.

With cancer going rampant in my family somehow when family members ask about me and how I've been, they somehow seem to turn the conversation into cancer. “Trust me I know what pain is, I had cancer and if you ever get cancer you will learn what real pain feels like.” of from those older than me saying “You're too young for pain, Wait till you’re my age, then you’ll know what real pain is”, failing to even research EDS, Multiple Neuropathies, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome or any of my other conditions. The McGill Pain Scale has recently been challenged with a study done on a cohort of EDS patients. It was found that EDS is more painful than Complex Reginal Pain Syndrome which originally took the top place on the chart as the most painful condition with Cancer pain hitting around the mid range area of the scale. Some tend to downsize EDS and make it sound like I’m just a wimp for needing medication for my pain. I always hear things like “Me and my daughter were sick and we are both doing great now. Why aren't you getting better? Again, this relates my condition to cancer and other long term conditions that are a lot more common and have treatment and/or surgery that can put them into remission.

EDS has no remission. It doesn't magically go away. I have a gene mutation and as of now, you cannot repair a broken gene so this is forever. There is no remission but society is raised to believe cancer is the worst thing a person can ever go through and cancer is also one of those conditions where there are two outcomes. You go into remission and get better, living life normally or possibly on several meds to keep you functioning well, with the exception of younger children or some adults who have organ systems permanently damaged by chemo but even then they are much healthier and have a much more normal life than they did with active cancer. There's also the other side of the spectrum. You die. There are so many conditions that, depending on the type of cancer or hormonal mutations can easily be much worse than cancer leaving people much sicker than chemo patients but with no chance of remission. Imagine being on chemo for 50 years straight.

I have learned to hate the discussion of cancer when others compare pain and symptoms because many with chronic and/or rare diseases like Ehlers Danlos, Lupus, Muscular Sclerosis, Lateral Sclerosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Osteogenesis Imperfecta and many more are also very dangerous, have a lot of serious symptoms and comorbidities, risk the person's life and can very well cause more pain or more systemic symptoms than cancer. I am not saying cancer is not important, I am just saying people with these conditions are also compared with people who have cancer with most people who do this not knowing anything about our condition, just going off of the assumption that what we hear about most in the media, what has the most fundraisers and financial backing and what has the most attention has to be worse. Many more will get offended if you explain or give them information relating to the pain levels found in EDS mad that you would ever compare your own medical condition to cancer even after they just did the exact same thing by invalidating your pain and saying something like "If you think you're in pain now you should experience the pain that comes along with cancer. Now that's real pain" Its as if its okay for them to compare but not you making it automatically wrong for you to stick up for yourself when they try to invalidate your pain. The worst part is when they do this day in and day out without even noticing they are doing it. It gets exhausting and frustrating when someone is always trying to tell you why you are weak and spread the misconception that all cancer patients are much sicker than these other conditions, downgrading you. This leads to a lot of people giving unsolicited medical advice, telling you all the reasons why you aren't getting better knowing nothing about your condition so it really does go both ways and gets old to hear.

Another issue I had with inclusion was when my cousin got married. I have food allergies and couldn't eat anything they were serving. At the time I was a teenager and couldn't drive so my mom told my aunt she was going to go to Wendy's and get me a baked potato because I needed to take my medications and needed to take them with food. We were at the reception and next thing I knew my aunt was literally screaming at the top of her lungs at my mom about how she wishes my dad had never married her, she cant stand her and I’m a spoiled rotten little brat. My mom kept trying to get a word in telling her I have food allergies and can't eat what she has so it has nothing to do with being spoiled and it's not that I don't want what they are eating and honestly would probably rather have what they are eating but that I can’t because before my diagnosis gluten put me in multiple organ failure. My aunt was yelling about how she will not take my mom leaving and coming back and me eating Wendy's at their beautiful wedding and continued saying, if I’m hungry enough I will eat what they have and she needs to quit spoiling me and allowing me to have a different meal than everyone else was eating like I was a picky little kid instead of someone who if I ate what they were serving I can go into organ failure or anaphylactic shock. If she didn't think a Wendy's baked potato fit into her daughter's wedding décor scheme she would have really not been happy to have an emergency squad backed up to the door, a gurney and a bunch of paramedics so my mom, myself and my dad didn't understand why she was making such a big deal out of it. My dad then told my aunt we are going to leave and apologies to my cousin for leaving the reception early. After he did this my aunt started calling my mom and I derogatory terms still yelling while my mom was simply talking and trying to keep it quiet so it wouldn't be a big deal but she started calling me and my mom derogatory names and didn't talk to my mom for two years all over a baked potato and my food allergies.

Outside of the family also have little access to inclusion as I have not one friend with a wheelchair ramp or no steps going into their house so zero access to visiting friends as well as family. The lack of understanding crosses over to friends as well and I have lost most of them. I’m not the best when it comes to visiting friends as my health is so unpredictable and many people take this as me being flakey or not wanting to visit when most of them knew how timely and never canceled on them when I was healthier. I also had two friends who used me and manipulated the situation to make it sound as if I was the reason we never hang out. One of these people, she and her husband did a lot of traveling and it seemed like every time she was out of town she would contact me and ask if she and her husband could come visit me when they came back. I would agree and when she was back in town she would usually ignore my messages until a day or two before leaving again and say “I wish you would have said something sooner. We’re packing up now and about to leave to go to Florida now. They would leave and she would message me saying they were on a Disney cruise but when she comes back they wanted to visit me if I was up for it. Again she would either not tell me when she got home or I would message her that day or a day or two later telling her if they want to visit it's fine with no response and no response until right before they were about to leave again saying something like “Oh, well we're about to go to California. I wish you would have let me know sooner, not acknowledging the message was originally sent a week or two prior. When I finally asked if they really wanted to visit or not and what was going on, she then responded saying, well every time I ask if you want to hang out, you never do which was far from the truth since she would only talk about visiting when on vacation or while packing to leave the state again.

Another friend of mine since high school did something similar. She would call or text me and ask if I wanted to hang out the next day and of course sometimes I said no but a lot of the times I said sure because it was something low key like she would come over here to visit or just meet at the dog park or something. If I said yes she would say “I know you have good days and bad days and your health can change so if you are still up for it call me at 10:00 in the morning and let me know what you want to do. Well 10:00 am would come around and I would call her and say I was up for hanging out and she would say “well, I’m actually at my sister in laws now so can we do it another time” another time she would call and tell me if I’m up for it call her around noon and I would call her at 11:30 or so and tell her I’m up for it and she would say “Oh, well I didn't know if you would be up for it or not, I actually took my daughter to the park so we will have to get together another time.” Next time she would call me that morning and tell me she was going to be in my area and asked if I wanted to meet her for lunch. I would agree and she said she was going to take a nap and to call her at noon. I would call and she would say “Oh, well I’m at the mall with another friend, can we meet up another day”

Don't get me wrong, she was like this before I got sick and when we were kids where she would cancel a lot but when I got sick and she was calling me at least once a month to hang out and after two years went by and every single one she canceled out on me to hang out with another friend or go somewhere else and only two of those were because you had a doctor appointment or something and declined on your own there's a problem. I asked why she didn’t seem to want to hang out and she said “What's the point because every time I call you say you're not up for it. When I only said I wasn't up for it twice and she canceled more than 20 times in a row, having no problem telling me she was hanging out with a friend from work or someone else making plans to replace the plans she made with me so this is another struggle I have faced since getting sicker.

The people I used to think were my friends who obviously don't like me because I’m boring and can't go out and party, run around the mall for 8 hours or go to the fair and ride all the rides with them but now can only handle the low key stuff like lunch, going to watch a movie, stay here and play cards, go to one of those paint with a friend things or something low key like that and I know the fact is that they don't like these low key activities and think I’m boring to hang out with but don't want to tell me this and I truly believe they don't want to admit to themselves that they don't like me anymore since I’m now disabled so they try to push the blame on me and throw it into the pile of problems I already have lol so friendships just don't work out well for me either.

Now that we have covered inclusion with family and friends let's talk about the community. I have always said, even before I was disabled that the communities that face the most inequality and discrimination are the communities you never hear about when discrimination and inequality is brought up. The Deaf Community, the Disabled Community, the LGBTQ+ Community, the Rare Disease Community and the Invisible Illness Community are the communities who I believe have the most severe lack of inclusion, face the most discrimination, face the most prejudice, endure the most physical, verbal and emotional abuse and have the fewest rights many take for granted. Black Lives Matter has really made me realize how severe these disparities are. Being in a chair I can’t just go to a small town. If we are going on a trip to Cleveland Clinic or the University of Toledo and we are driving through a small town with a lot of small, mom and pop businesses I can't stop and shop at one of those stores. If I have to go to the bathroom they don't have a wheelchair ramp going into their building so not only can I not go into a single store but I am unwelcomed by the entire city.

With ADA being signed in 1990, 21 years later the Columbus Police Department says and I quote “ADA laws aren't real laws and shouldn't be treated as such. Our own police have left me outside on the second coldest day of the year in January when two cars parked illegally in front of both handicap curb cut ramps going down to a parking lot. Instead of enforcing these laws and punishing those who illegally parked in front of these ramps or taking the time to send an officer out to help get me and my chair off of the curb they told me it was my problem and though every building in the strip mall had closed down that it was my responsibility to sit out in the cold with pure autonomic failure and the inability maintain my body temperature indefinitely until someone came back for their car which resulted in me going into hypothermia.

With BLM coming to the surface the disabled are seen as weak and also are essentially the punishing back for the black community now just because we are seen as weak and easy targets to take their anger out on. I have been through the illegal parking issue time and time again. Another time a black man parked in front of the curb cut. My dad kindly asked him to move his vehicle and he told us we had to wait while he finished his conversation with his friend which took about 20 minutes. We were in a bad area of town and my dad and I were the minority so there wasn't much we could say or do or we would be seen as the ones who were racist. This 20 minutes was one of the scariest times of my life as a woman overheard my dad asking him if he would mind moving his vehicle so I could use the ramp. She came up to me and pointed to my dad who is a senior citizen, asking why he can't lift me up in my chair and off of the curb. This area was old and fan down so the sidewalks had been done multiple times so the curb was quite high. It was about 10 inches up from the parking lot so not a little bump I can just back off of and I was 112 lbs., sitting in a 39 lb. wheelchair with a 17 lb. service dog and I didn't understand what she was talking about because she couldn't possibly mean for him to lift all of that weight himself and put me onto the ground plus the wheels spin and even with the wheels locked the wheels will still move so you need two people to lift a person in a chair without flipping it. Anyhow, kind of confused I said “No, I don't think so”

She then went off yelling about how I'm an overly entitled white bitch who thinks she can get whatever I want handed to me on a golden platter. My family probably owned slaves and how I have a lot of nerve to ask a “N word” to move their car so I can use a ramp that belongs to the community and doesn't have my name on it. How he can park wherever he damn well pleases and white bitches like me need to be shot thanking we can get all our NEEDS met when we don't even know what needs are because they “N words” have had to go without their needs for 400 years now calling me multiple swear words and derogatory terms as well as saying multiple times that I need shot. After about 20 minutes of her in my face screaming at me during Covid and me saying please, I have a compromised immune system or I’m sorry, I just can't get to my car the guy finally said he would move his car for us to leave. It was terrifying but things like this happen all the time.

Another incident happened in Aldi near the beginning of the pandemic. The checkout line was massive and stretched ¾ way down the second isle. And there was one of those electric pallet jack things they use that can't be moved because you need a key to start them on the right side of the isle so no space to get through I just waited at the back of the line until it got past the pallet jack so I could get by which wasn't an issue because the line always moves really fast at Aldi and there were only two people with carts in line behind the pallet jack so I got in line behind the last woman in line and locked my breaks. I put my smaller service dog on my lap because the isle was really crowded and I didn't want her to get stepped on.

Next thing I knew there was a black woman coming around the corner yelling everybody move, get out of my way slamming her cart into the back of my nearly new $7000 wheelchair and $7000 smart drive so hard that she shoved me in my chair, with the wheels locked about two feet forward and my foot plate into the ankles of the woman in front of me and kept pushing her cart yelling at me to move. I was still shocked at what was happening so all I could do was say “I can’t” because of course the line ran beside the pallet jack which couldn't be moved so there was only about 4 inches between the edge of the fork of the pallet jack and everyone's cart. The woman let go of her cart and walked up to the side of my chair, grabbing my right side push rims and tires and yelled “I SAID MOVE!” and pulled up flipping me and my service dog out of my chair and onto the ground with my body hitting the shelf to my left and dragging a ton of baking products off the shelf and on top of us. A bunch of people turned around and gasped when she did this and the woman's teenage daughter embarrassingly yelled “MOM NO!” then ran up around her mom and flipped my chair upright.

I was sitting there on the ground so shocked I still didn't know if I was hurt being someone who is prone to dislocations, traumatic brain injuries and having multiple spinal cord manifestations. The woman's daughter was almost in tears from embarrassment and reached down to grab my arm to try to help get me back into my chair when her mom yelled at her to get over there The girl said “but mom” and she said “get your ass over here now” and turned around her cart to start to go around the next isle. The girl then let go of my arm, her eyes still all watery because she was about to cry, she mouthed to me “I’m sorry” and ran around to the other isle where her mom was. Of course I didn't blame her daughter. She tried to help and I felt bad for her too. She tried and proved she was different from her mom.

After they went down the other isle the woman in front of her and the woman in front of me started helping me. I was checking my service dog Maggie to make sure she wasn't hurt and she seemed fine, just had eyes as big as saucers like she was kind of in shock over the whole thing too. The lady in front of me picked Maggie up off of me and held her in one arm while both picked up all of the cake, brownie, cookie and powdered sugar laying on the floor and all over me and put it on the shelf. She then put Maggie down on the floor for a second while they both helped get me back into my chair and then the one in front of me picked Maggie up again and put her on my lap. The Lady in front of me pulled up her pants leg to look at the back of her ankle where my foot plate slammed into her and she was bleeding. I apologized and she laughed sarcastically and said “It's not your fault, trust me, you are not the one who should be apologizing for this.

The three of us started talking with the one in front of her talking about how disgusting it was that she did that to me when right then the woman who slammed the cart into the back of me came up the front of the isle yelling at everyone near the front of the line to get out of her way. She didn't physically assault any of them like she did me but she was yelling at everyone to get out of her way, shoving her way between carts to try to get things off of the shelf and throwing it into her cart. There were only two employees working that day, one ringing people up and one trying to stock all of the shelves that were being picked through faster than she could stock so I can't blame the employees either because they were grossly understaffed.

I have had so many experiences like this since Black Lives Matter took off, a lab core worker talking bad about me because I showed up without an appointment when their door and website says “Walk ins welcome” and I tried to make an appointment but the captcha was down on their website so I wasn't able to confirm that I wasn’t a robot in order to submit my appointment and purposely showed up at 11:30 am because you could see already claimed appointments and 11:00, 11:30, and 12:00 were all open appointments. To make things better, My doctor had already sent the request and I scanned it into the tablet they had there as well as scanning in pictures of my license and insurance so everything was filled out and all I needed was to pick up two plastic, half gallon jugs for a 24 hour urine test.

She was in the back calling me similar names to what the woman did at the eye center when the guy was illegally parked, bringing up slavery and how my grandparents may have been able to get away with whipping “N words” to get them to do what they wanted but I can’t, how inconsiderate I was for walking in and who did I think I was thinking I can just walk in all unannounced without an appointment. She said “I ought to slap that bitch! Girl, you gonna have to hold me back before I slap that bitch” talking to the other phlebotomist. I could hear everything she was saying after she closed the door and she went on and on, came out and asked for my paperwork so she could put it in the system, ripping it out of my hand, kept going on and on saying nasty things about me then finally came back out and nicely said “Oh, I didn't know you already put all of this in the system for me. So you’re just here to pick up the jug?” I said “Yeah, I've done one of these before so I don't need any instructions or anything, just the jugs. She went back and still talking nasty about me came back a minute later with the jugs and said nicely have a nice day but still her body language wasn't nice and you could tell her friendly voice was sarcastic.

That's when I decided to stick up for myself and stopped her before she closed the door again and said, “Did you know your walls aren’t sound proof? I heard every word you said about me while I was back there and just so you know, I tried to make an appointment before I came here. The captcha is down on your website; you know, the little thing you have to click online to prove you’re not a robot? It wasn't working so I couldn't click it to submit my appointment request but it said online and on your door that walk-ins are welcome. I saw you had empty appointments from 11-12. I didn't know if anyone else would be here since the site was down but that's why I chose to come now because I didn't think you would be busy because of Covid and all but I did try to make an appointment. Her facial dropped.

She then started kissing up to me saying “Oh sweetie, you are totally fine, that's what we're here for, come anytime you need to, she walked over to the double doors and opened the first one saying “Let me get that door for you sweetie.” pointed to the floor and said “Do you see that spot right there with no carpet? There used to be a big lip in the door right here and I personally had it removed just for people like you who are in wheelchairs so your wheels won't get stuck on it. Would you like me to get the other door for you?” I said “No, that's okay, It’s not that heavy, I’ve got it” she then said “No, no, no, I insist. I’ll hold it open for you, I’m here to serve you. She then followed me outside where my dad was parked which was awkward and said “would you like me to help you into your car?”

These are the more major examples but I’ve had more minor interactions too such as trying to buy vinyl for my Cricut maker from a black small business owner to be told “Sorry, I only buy from and sell to black people” I had a dental appointment and Medicare and Medicaid is a death sentence for those with rare diseases with only two dentists that took my insurance within a 30 mile radius. I settled for Refresh Dental in Hebron, Ohio which was quite a drive but none that took my insurance were close so I made an appointment. When I called I asked if they were ADA accessible because I’m a wheelchair user and the receptionist said yes. I then asked about Covid and the precautions they take because I’m immunocompromised. She said they are very careful, told me they wear full PPE, mask, face shield, smocks, they have updated their HVAC system and are really clean. She said none of their staff had contracted Covid so I made an appointment.

When we got there we parked at a building that looked like it was about to fall in. Termites had eaten all the way through the window ledge, and you could see the studs behind it. When I went up to the door I was relieved to see a sign saying to go to the white building behind that one, surrounded by a bunch of orange stickers which looked like condemned stickers. Their driveway was gravel and anyone who is in a chair knows, a gravel driveway isn't easy to roll on at all so though it was cold outside I was getting myself into a sweat going back to the building behind it. The first thing I saw was a staircase with about 9 steps up into the building and I was thinking uh oh. I hope they have another door. I went around the building and found another door and this one had two steps into it. It was a door with a step into it, you walked about 5 steps and stepped up another step into a second door. I called the office and no one answered.

I then called my mom who was in the car by the first building and asked her to come over there. She saw the steps and said “You’ve got to be kidding me” and went into the building to talk to them and then came back out and told me what they said. She asked the receptionist if they had a ramp or another way into the building for people in a wheelchair. The receptionist pointed to the door that my mom just came in and said “That's the door our disabled patients use” My mom told her I’m in a wheelchair and called ahead of time and was told they are ADA accessible and the receptionist said “We are ADA accessible.” My mom followed up saying “Then how can someone in a wheelchair get in here? The receptionist said “Can't she just walk in here?” My mom said “No, she’s paralyzed” The receptionist then said “Well we have other patients in wheelchairs and they just leave their wheelchair outside and walk in here. It's only two steps.” My mom then said “So, we just drove 40 minutes here and you’re not ADA accessible?” The receptionist said “Yes, we are” my mom said “but you don't have a ramp?” She said “When your daughter called she asked if we are ADA accessible. We’re ADA accessible, not wheelchair accessible.” My mom said “First of all wheelchair accessibility is part of being ADA Accessible, you don't have wheelchair access you are not ADA Accessible and second of all, she told you she was a wheelchair user so I don't know what else you could have thought she meant by ADA accessible. The receptionist said she had to go speak to another staff member. She then told my mom to have me go back up to the front building and they would bring supplies from this building and meet me over there to see me.

We went back to the first building and I had been sitting out in the cold all this time. We sat outside the building for 20 minutes waiting for someone to come unlock it. I then called their office and this time someone answered and I said “I’m really sorry for bothering you but will it be a while before anyone gets over here? The reason I’m asking is because I have Autonomic Dysfunction so cant maintain my body heat well and was wondering if it was okay if we go back out and sit in the car until someone is ready for us” She said “stay there, she should be there right now” I said okay and waited, finally about 5 minutes later someone came to the door and opened it. The concrete wheelchair ramp was so old that it had sunk about two inches into the ground so I still had to pop a wheelie and push on my wheels while my mom pushed the back of my chair to get up into the door.

When we got in there it was filthy, every surface was covered in dust, dirt, wood chips and dead bugs. It smelled like the moldy basement of my sisters 1890 house. It was so dirty that I put my service dog in my lab because I didn’t want her to sit on the floor. I could see a trail from my wheels and my mom's footprints in the coat of dirt on the floor. The receptionist brought out paperwork for me to fill out and while I did she and the hygienist were flipping breakers to turn on electricity to one of the rooms and were bringing over a laptop, air purifier and some dental tools. I could see them in the room. The hygienist took a dry paper towel and brushed the dirt off of the chair and edge of the countertop onto the floor, not using any chemicals or even moisture to clean anything. The dirt started floating around in the air which was when they brought in the air purifier to suck some of it up. She sat the dental tools straight onto the counter she had simply brushed the dirt and dead bugs off of. I watched them do all of this while I filled out my paperwork and sat in my chair waiting for my appointment. They eventually called me back, now well over an hour after my appointment time. I gave my service dog to my mom because they had to do x rays and went back.

I got in the dirty chair and the hygienist only had a mask on and nothing else. She wheeled in an old x ray machine that looked like it was jimmy rigged to a sawed off IV pole. She put the bite wings in my mouth and tried to take the image and nothing happened. She yelled at the receptionist to hit another breaker and took the first image of the tooth that was bothering me. She then pulled the bite wings out of my mouth and that's when I noticed that they were reusable bite wings and having a lot of medical knowledge I knew those cannot go into an autoclave and was horrified when I saw that they didn’t have the clear sanitary cover bags on them to prevent the spread of disease but at this point I had already had them in my mouth and the damage was done. Having no clue if I had just essentially French kissed a Covid patient while being immunocompromised myself and having a condition that so far no one with it who has contracted Covid has survived it was too late so I didn't say anything. She put it back in my mouth for another image. Once she was done she grabbed a camera made for taking pictures of the inside of the mouth. It also had no sanitary covering on it and she took pictures of my teeth and said we have to wait for the dentist to come over.

I looked around the room while waiting and it was totally empty except for the chair I was sitting in. There were no pictures on the wall, no curtains, no TV, no pedestal where the little sink you can spit in usually is and where the cleaning tools and suction hook up, no chest of drawers with toothpaste or other supplies. They didn't even have any light in the room, just a light fixture with wires hanging out of it. Just a very thick coat of dirt, dust and dead bugs everywhere and a window letting light in. When I looked at the window I noticed there was light coming in around the window where termites had eaten holes all the way through the wall around the window casing. There were brown streaks running down the wall where water had come in the holes which I was assuming explained the moldy smell because if there was water getting all the way inside through the swiss cheese termite walls then there is probably a ton of water and mold behind the walls. I I continued scanning the room while talking to the hygienist about my dry mouth and she told me she was going to give me some jell to trial for dry mouth. Soon after, the dentist came in and was very cold. He said nothing to me at all but said to the hygienist “Cavity on 15 and 16” and left totally ignoring me when I said hi. The hygienist told me to go to the front where the receptionist was to schedule a filling and a second appointment for a comprehensive dental since they refused to do them the same day or do the imaging of my whole mouth when doing the images of the one tooth.

the receptionist had brought over a laptop of her own and tried to schedule my filling for two days after I got the second Covid vaccine and I told her I didn't think that would work because I would get the vaccine less than 48 hours prior to the appointment and I didn't know if it would make me sick or how long your sick for when you get it but I know my nurse didn't feel well for about a week after hers. The receptionists said “You’ll be fine” and scheduled it anyhow making sure to tell me about their cancellation policy and fine which she should know with the vaccine I wouldn't know how it effected me until the cancellation policy had passed. She then went on to tell me that she cant get it because she has a heart problem. I told her I couldn't either at first either but not because of my heart problems but because I'm a high anaphylaxis risk but my doctor came up with a concoction of meds that we can take starting two days before the vaccine, the day of and three days after that has shown to prevent full blown anaphylactic shock in most of us. She said we would have some kind of allergic reaction and still can go into anaphylactic shock but it will reduce the chances so hopefully the allergic reaction is tolerable and we won't need to go to the hospital. So I went that route and got the vaccine at a place close to the hospital. I then said, It's too bad that more healthy people don't consider people who literally can't get a vaccine or are immunocompromised and won't get the full benefit, or any benefit at all from the vaccine before they refuse to get it. She said Actually, I can get it, I just dont think I should get it. My dad got it and my sister and I tried to tell him not to get it but he didn't listen to us and got it anyway but I guess when you're old or sick like you guys are and are going to die sooner than later anyhow you don't really have much to lose.”

I felt like she was throwing me in the grave. She then said “you know that they chop up aborted babies and put them into the vaccine right? I said “Nahh.. that's just a rumor that went viral on Facebook that was originally created by some college freshmen. There's no fetal tissue at all in the vaccine. Where the fetal tissue comes from was in the 70s and 80s two women voluntarily donated their aborted fetuses to science. No other fetuses have been used since then because they have replicated the cells over and over again. Think of cloning. They do this so they won’t need any more fetal cells. The replicated cells aren't used in the vaccine, they are used in the early states of testing potential vaccines before they even start conducting studies on animals and after the hypothesizing stage to see how human and living cells respond to benign injected with the possible vaccine to ensure it doesn't harm the cells and does what its supposed to, which not only saves money because the cells can be replicated over and over again but it also helps save animals because its a way to test the vaccine before moving on to testing on them. Of course a lot more can be found on living animals than just in cells so things can still go wrong in the animal phases but there is no aborted fetus at all in the vaccine, it's simply used as a cell to test the vaccine on.” She said Well I’m a nurse too, not just a receptionist so I would know.

I then thought this would be the perfect opportunity to change the subject and said “Oh, really, I am too. I graduated from Columbus State, where did you go to school?” She changed the subject back saying, I know a lot of nurses and none of them have gotten the vaccine. Only a few people here have gotten vaccinated and this place has been riddled with Covid. Almost all of the ladies have had it at least once and they all are okay now. How many people do you know who have gotten vaccinated? I said “When I called to make this appointment I asked about Covid because of being immunocompromised and the person I spoke to told me no one had gotten it. Why would they lie to me? She said “I don't know who you spoke with but that's not true. This place has been riddled with it” At this point I was letting what she said simmer a bit and sink in, honestly not happy at all that they had lied to me more than once at this point and about very important issues.

She then went back asking me how many nurses I knew who had gotten vaccinated. I said all of them and not even just people I graduated with my home health infusion nurse got hers but she ended up getting Covid too. Idk if you saw on the news about the senior husband and wife that got Covid and the nurse arranged for them to be put in a room together and they died within minutes of each other? Well the nurse who set that up, her name is Mariah and I went to high school with her. Just a fun fact I guess.” She said “Well did she get vaccinated? I said “yeah and right then the hygienist came back with the dry mouth gel so I cut the conversation off and said I needed to go because my mom was out in the car. I couldn’t believe they had a halfway decent office for their able bodied patient but put their patients in chairs into a filthy, condemned building that is moldy and about to fall in from termite damage. If that's not discrimination, I don't know what is. and to top things off, I put the dry mouth jell into my mouth and it tasted awful. I looked at the expiration date and they had just given me and it had expired over a year prior. I saw another dentist and also found out that I never had a cavity at all and my wisdom tooth was coming in.

I do not feel included when it comes to my extended family, friends, community or country. Most things labeled handicap accessible aren't including the Franklin County Social Security Office which slaps a handicap sign on their bathroom stall which the door is so narrow that my tiny wheelchair for my 112 lb. self rubbed the edges of the door trying to get into it, not meeting the 32” door clearance standards listed in the ADA laws nor did it meet the minimum 5’x5’ size limit in order to be ADA accessible so most people in chairs cant use it at all and even those with tiny wheelchairs like mine cannot get their char in far enough to close the door so are forced to use the bathroom with the door open, on their period while people walk past and see everything. It’s disgusting that we live in a society where people in wheelchairs, even if they can hold their bladders are forced to wear adult diapers or map out every public facility, only going to ones they know are accessible enough because here in the US we are so welcomed and marginalized that we don't even have access to about half of the businesses in the US let alone a bathroom that everyone else in the world who is not a wheelchair user takes for granted and when we are lucky enough to find a palace that has a toilet we can use, it's always the filthiest ones, the ones that able bodied people use as their private pooping palace believing that just because it’s two or three feet wider that extra three feet will make their fart inaudible.

This is a country where an able bodied person can buy a new car for $16,000 and a used one for sometimes less than 2 grand but if you’re disabled your new accessible vehicle costs around $75,000, a used… well many states you can’t insure a van that is more than 5 years old and cannot convert one more than 4 years old and it has to be less than $50,000 miles and fit a bunch of other criteria so used isn't much less. We live in a country where you are not allowed to pay an able bodied worker less than minimum wage yet SSDI comes out to $2.60 less than minimum wage and employers are allowed to pay disabled workers less than minimum wage. We live in a country where ADA laws were passed but police officers don't have to enforce any of these laws. Here in the US they have schools for girls only, boys only, black only, deaf and blind but no special schools for children with physical or developmental disabilities, just life skills training for adults so education is still not equal. A country where if the Black or Asian Americans are brutalized by the police or community members and it is broadcasted on the news even though more than 70 percent of police brutalities in fact occur to those who have physical, psychological or developmental disabilities but this is never mentioned even if the person fits into two minority groups.

This is a country where if you have a service animal that you rely on you still don’t have the freedom of religion because a church can legally turn away a service animal. A country where if you are a drug addict you can get 50 mg of low dose naltrexone free and go to suboxone clinics free of charge but if you are a chronic pain patient you have to pay over 300 for 2 mg of naltrexone to control your pain and stay off of opioids which are oftentimes the only things covered on Medicare but also the same medications being cracked down on not by people who need them for chronic pain but by addicts in turn putting limits on opioids so drug addicts can live and chronic pain patients who are in so much pain they have seizures and go into organ failure to live in agony and possibly even eventually die weather it be suicide because they cant stand the pain or from organ failure that results from the pain.

A country where doctors are taught “if you hear hoof prints on the ground think horses not zebras'' meaning when a patient presents with a symptom consider common conditions that can be associated with these symptoms not rare diseases allowing doctors to abuse and neglect patients and slap psychological diagnoses on them so they don't have to jump into the rare disease realm of medicine or even learn about it in school. This results in more than 250,000 deaths each year from medical neglect alone and that's not even the people like my mom who wake up on life support to find out days of their lives have passed and they are now living with permanent disability. A country where there are still states like ohio where you cannot sue for medical abuse and neglect unless someone died or comes out essentially a vegetable and if this results in disability where you are in a wheelchair or have limited cognitive impairment but can still speak and think to some degree, yet still resulting in permanent disability, it's just too bad, so sad for you because sure you went in for a simple gallbladder removal and came out needing the blood in your body replaced 4 times, going into exploratory surgery with a 5 percent chance of survival, split from your breast to your pelvic bone to have all of your organs removed, your liver repaired which fell apart multiple times in the process of trying to sew back together your liver the other doctor cut open and tried to hide for 9 hours while you bleed to death, sure you came out on life support after being deemed legally dead multiple times and had four brain aneurysms because of this trauma, which resulted in cognitive impairment, missed months of work only to get laid off, now deal with chronic pain, fatigue and weakness for the rest of your life and will never be able function like you once did ever again but you didn't die and you're not cognitively impaired enough so that's on you, the doctor on the other hand can keep operating on people as if nothing ever happened.

America is where people on Welfare, who are poor and in many cases don't want to work, make more money and get more financial benefits than someone on SSDI who is disabled and literally can't work. A country where people on Medicaid who are poor get better healthcare than the sick and elderly on Medicaid and if you qualify for both Medicare and Medicaid you might as well forget it because your insurance isn't much better than having no insurance at all regardless as to what special programs you fit into, where the Medicare formulary trumps the Medicaid formulary and if Medicaid for the poor covers a service but Medicare doesn’t, what Medicare says, goes and you simply don't get coverage for your needs. A country where a president cuts funding to the Orphan Drug Tax Credit, oftentimes the only funding that most rare diseases have to study possible treatments for these diseases while cutting taxes multi billion dollar industries have to pay in taxes such as his hotels and golf courses and every time they send out a relief check during Covid they make up for it by cutting funding to either schools or Medicare, particularly Medicare recipients with rare diseases, removing them from the formulary and allowing them to die to pay for these checks, hitting those with rare diseases because they are just that rare, meaning less people to complain so it's less likely there will be large riots for these people. This essentially reversed the act put in place ensuring those with preexisting conditions can get insurance leaving us so underinsured that many will likely die because they cannot get their medical care covered and can't afford it.

A place where those with disabilities are still not accepted, ADA is not yet being utilized in many areas or even seen as real or legitimate leaving us to be isolated from all aspects of our lives. We have very few rights, access, equality or inclusion more than 20 years after the signing of ADA into law. This leaves a lot of people like me to live lonely lives where we have no chance to succeed or in some cases such as those issues related to Medicare, not even a chance to live. By law an insurance company cannot deny you insurance based on pre-existing conditions however they can deny you coverage of the vital care you need once issuing you a card leaving insurance virtually useless with many rare diseases making survival of the fittest a terrifying reality. Welcome to America. The home of land of the free and home of the brave.

#MyEDSChallenge #MyHSDChallenge

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