It’s time to go

I overstayed my time here. I overstayed trying so hard to make this something it's not. I fought to stay in your heart and mind, to realize there was never a place for me to begin with. I broke my own heart, holding onto fate and possibilities, holding onto memories that is no longer you. I refused to see through reality, and kept you in my dreams. I now see you with her wearing matching pajamas on Christmas day. She gets all your mornings and midnights, your good and bad days and everything in between. And that's all I ever wanted.

So this is where my heart should say goodbye, this is where the memories should crash and burn. Maybe one day my heart will become someone else's. You won't cease to exist, and I'll be happy that's how it should have always been.

Topaz Pantoja

December 25, 2020; 10:14 pm

What goes around comes around

Your time will come. I'll sit in the sidelines as I watch your world collapse. You will learn what it feels like to lose everything, you will learn emptiness and loneliness. You will learn the cries that fills the hollows of the night, and the anger that eats away your heart and leaves you cold. You'll relive the pain of yesterday, and the memories you swore you forgot. You'll remember my face, and everything you put me through. And time will show how much you'd wish you could hit rewind.

Topaz Pantoja

December 24, 2020; 2:08am

In the end, I won.

I think it's funny the years you spent tearing me down, and now you still watch over me like a lingering ghost, but I don't pay no mind. My presence still lingers over you, and you can't escape me. You can't escape the love we once shared, the sound of my laugh in the drum of your ear, the smile you claimed that reminded you of an alligator's. You looked across the room and I was there, but now I'm nowhere to be found. You did that to yourself. You now watch me through a screen, and it's the closest thing you can ever have to be close to me. I scattered my pieces differently when you tore me apart, and you will never get the chance to re-learn the pieces.

A part of me was stolen and I didn't bother to find her. You will search for her over and over again, to find she's never coming back.

I won.

Topaz Pantoja

December 20, 2020; 2:04 am

I forgot how to write

I forgot how to write, I forgot how to stay in touch with my heart. I forgot how it felt like to spill my heart on my sleeve. I forgot about everything I loved, but I haven't forgotten you. Most times you haunt my nights and appear in my dreams, that's why I never came back because I know how to remember you, when all else is forgotten. I stay up till the morning hours driving myself insane, the sunrise is set, and I stare blankly at it when I use to admire the colors in the sky. They say people change, and you said I would forget in 5 years, it's been 5 years, and I haven't forgotten, you know that.

I forgot how to write not because I wanted to but because these words always lead me back to you.

Topaz Pantoja

November 14th, 2020 - 11:08 pm

Its been a month since we last spoke

I don’t like talking to no one new. I just wanna talk to you.

Topaz Pantoja

February 29th, 2020

For Cameron - Thank you for changing my life.

But tonight I'll lift this heavy heart and hold you close to mine. Tonight your words are echoes but you're here, even when you're not. I see you in the colors of the sky, the early sunrise and the late sunsets. I see you when the wind blows and the trees sway back and forth. I see you when the rain comes down and lightning strikes I see you when we're driving down the highway, the wind through my hair, while the moon follows behind. I see you on my good days, but I feel you on my bad days. I see you in the stars and like to make a wish, I hope you're doing okay. I see you in the things I love the most. I see you in all the beauty this life has to offer.

All I know my life has altered ever since you drifted away, I look at the world with a different pair of lens. You were everything good, and I don't know how I feel about a world without you.

Topaz Pantoja

August 8th, 2019; 2:22 am

When three years go by

I use to look up at the night sky hoping it would be me and you if not now maybe in the future I use to hope we were looking at the moon wishing on the same stars thinking of the same things

When three years have gone by you learn wishes don't come true and people like you don't come back. He learned to replace and forget me He learned to live this life without me When three years have gone by I learned time heals all wounds, but the scars remain. the scars of you holding me hearing your laugh, and finding someone who believed in me just like you did. but when three years go by you learn forever is a myth but it kept me safe whenever they escaped your lips. and when three years go by, you learn people move on and wishes don't come true.

After three years I finally accepted reality I accepted the fact that you moved on, that your heart now belongs to someone new. that you forgot about your hands in mine and the way i felt wrapped in your arms. I accepted that you're now a memory even though my heart is forever yours.

I accepted that this life moves on with or without you and eventually I'm going to be okay.

Topaz Pantoja

July 5th 2019; 11:11pm

Let me be

I wish I could be whatever I want to be.

I wish I can go out and not think twice about what I'm wearing because I feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish I can smile and laugh, without feeling the judgement on the way my smile forms, and how my teeth are never straight. I wish I can make my own decisions without the doubts, second guesses, and the fears of what other's think, or what they're going to say. I wish I can say my thoughts without saying sorry every time I speak, every time I want to admit that I've been hurt. I wish I can say out loud that lately I've been attracted to girls, without hearing how wrong it is or that I'm confused. I wish I can put my armor down, and be open to my vulnerability, open to love, open to letting people in again. If only I could tell them I haven't quite lived with all these walls up, and I won't feel alive till I tear them down

I wish I can be me without paying the price. I wish I can make them see that who I am isn't who I want to be The real me hides even when she's comfortable, the real me is stuck in a shell she can't break free from with the voices of those who think they know more. I wish I can be me so you can really see who I've always wanted to be.

I just want to be me.

Topaz Pantoja

October 20th, 2018; 4:00 am

Don’t do to her what you did to me

I hope you don't do to her what you did to me I hope you don't take advantage of her innocence, and strip her vulnerability the way you did with me.

Don't hold her close and play with her curls, she'll think about it every night and maybe for the rest of her life. She'll think it's love, but you don't love her. You love her fragileness, and the power you have over her. Don't tell her you love her, while you're sleeping with another, you already messed up her self esteem, why would you do that to her heart? Don't yell at her when you're angry, or put the blame on her, she's not the same age as you, and hasn't experienced this life the way you have. Don't hold her hand under the table, or look at her like she's everything you've ever wanted, because she'll believe you, and convince herself that the feelings are mutual. Don't let her pour her heart out and use it against her, she'll never trust again.

Don't tell her you love her, if you don't really mean it. Don't tell her you love her, when you're walking out the door knowing this is the last time your paths will cross. Don't tell her you love her, she no longer knows what love is.

Topaz Pantoja

October 5th, 2018; 3:41 pm

Say that you remember

I can still see myself walking those streets at 6 am, I see her waiting by the door with a cup of coffee in her hand, she complained about my lateness, and I couldn't help but laugh. That's how our mornings were usually spent, and maybe right now these memories are tearing me apart, but i hope that you remember this:

I hope that you remember sitting by Bryant Park talking about all our dreams and hopes for the future, say that you remember me holding you tight as the rain came down, we danced to Michael Jackson songs like we were kids again. Say that you remember the hours we spent on one photograph, and the messages that went into the late hours. Please tell me you remember the first time we met and how we instantly hit it off, you told how beautiful I looked in that dress and I still think about it till this day. Say that you remember the adventures we went on, and the laughters that filled the air, maybe I should've told you that you were meant for me. I know that you remember the last time I saw you, I was thinking it was over but you know we'd meet again.

I hope that you remember these moments, with our memories plastered in every part of my memory, and every place I go. Because there were words left unspoken, I fell in love without knowing.

Topaz Pantoja

It’s been four years

I found this picture of you today; you were frozen in time, four years ago. I remembered you just got a haircut, and you wore that grey sweater becauase you knew it was my favorite. I can't remember what happened that day, but I wish time told me you would eventually become a stranger, and maybe I wouldn't have held on as tight as I did.

It's been four years, who are you now?

Topaz Pantoja

August 18th, 2018

You thought but this isn’t what you really want

I thought this was the life I wanted, but here I am, waking up to the same old walls, and phone calls from unknown numbers.

I thought this was the life I wanted, going to a city that seemed like home, but it's hard to call these people a friend of my own. it's hard to fall for those whose intentions brings shivers down my spine, and a trigger in my mind.

I thought this was the life I wanted, that freedom I once craved, to live wild and free without the fears of my childhood. I believed this was the place I was meant to be, but along the way, I blended in with the crowd and became who they wanted me to be. This isn't the life I wanted. The life I wanted was you and me, hearing the sound of your laugh, and waking up to your head rested on my chest, with my fingers running through your hair. The life I wanted was to be with you, the only one who made this mess feel alright, whose heart beat became my home.

---- Topaz Pantoja

July 22nd, 2018

My broken pieces were healing, until you came around and took what’s left of me

I never thought someone could make you feel like you don't belong, like there's something wrong with who you are .

I never thought it'd be you to make feel like I'm the worst thing this world has endured.

Topaz Pantoja

April 11th, 2018

Maybe you can love someone forever

Tonight, I broke my own heart when I realized you're the only person I would wait for no matter how long it takes. I don't know why but my heart has trouble connecting with others, when she knows she won't be whole until she synchs with yours.

Topaz Pantoja

April 11th, 2018

You came back, now I don’t know how to act

There's a reason why I had to stay away, because every time we get too close, I never know if I really want to let you go.

Topaz Pantoja

April 6th, 2018

I loved you from the very first day

Tonight memories are just memories, and I learned the hard way this life goes on with or without you. I'm in a better place since the last time we met, but there's always something missing no matter how many years go by. It's silly to think my heart is still searching for yours, but i've been empty even when other hearts have been fighting to keep up with mine.

Topaz Pantoja

April 6th, 2018