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benny-the-spaceman · 9 months

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smthn ive been thinking about a lot more recently is how much symbolism not just tlm 1 but tlm 2 have in relations to outliers or ppl who are different in society and how theyre treated or how they treat others. this has been explained to death by ppl much more eloquent than me for tlm 1, but i don't see it get discussed as much with tlm 2, which is probably just me not looking as hard as i could but i still feel like talking about it because it means a lot to me (more under the cut bc it's a rambling kinda night)

one thing with tlm 2 that i noticed pretty recently (like earlier today recently) is how "the oppressed" in a sense become "the oppressor" and, from personal experience, that feels a lot like how older generations of oppressed groups treat younger generations when they dont assimilate. im only going to speak from my own experience, because i know how often this type of stuff can vary from person to person but as someone with mental disabilities and as someone who's japanese-american, there's so many similarities between how the other master builders treated emmet in tlm 2 and how older generations have treated me and other people I know. like when emmet was being cheery and, well, himself, the other master builders and townspeople shunned him, because they learned that acting like themselves was bad and would hurt them. Similarly, i always learned that idea of "being yourself" or "embracing your culture", but as i got older all of a sudden the same people tell me i cant, or that it's dangerous, or weak, or dumb, or lazy, etc etc because they were taught that through their experiences. And as much as it can be understood why theyd want to do that, most of the time they feel like it's protecting you, just like how the master builders felt telling emmet to toughen up was protecting him, it often just hurts you. In my case, it created a huge disconnect between me and my culture that I'm still working to fix and it's made me only very recently realize how much of myself ive hidden or dont understand because of the disorders I have. I think it's all part of why emmet as a character resonates with so many people, myself included. He's really the best example of how suppressing individuality can hurt someone, and him going against that and showing that being himself is ok is something that's almost healing in a way. It rly feels like he's telling us that we can do that too! that being ourselves isnt something to be ashamed of or hidden and that hiding those parts of ourselves hurts us more than it helps!!

Long story short, emmet's character, in the 1st movie of course but in 2nd movie especially, really resonates with me, both as someone with mental disorders/disabilities and as a 2nd generation japanese immigrant. those themes of suppressing yourself to fit in and being told constantly that was the only way to be safe really hits different when youve been told similar things your whole life. It's part of why i cry when i watch both movies, because emmet's character understands that in a way i could never articulate before. He's rly a masterfully written character, and he deserves all the love he gets for being such

Anyways that's the end of my little ramble, have a cookie for making it this far 🍪 and have a good day/night 🫶

#the lego movie #the lego movie 2

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alpinezro · 7 months

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hi... I HOPE THIS IS ALRIGHT TO ASK but ive admired how you render for a long time and you mentioned a while back in a post that you'd studied light particles n how they work and i have been. deathly curious as to how you went about doing that... drawing from reference and doing studies of course, but was there any particular way you went about it? i hope this finds you well. anyways . sorry ! thank you for your time

no need to apologize, and thank you so much for asking! not sure i can provide the best explanation, but most of what i learned was off of youtube and some blog-ish websites. this probably wont make any sense at all but ill try my best.

The Anatomy of Shadows

a big part of it was learning the anatomy of shadows, specifically the terminator and different varieties. heres a diagram,

terminators are just where the light and shadow meet. you always want to be able to tell where the terminator starts and ends!!! be CONFIDENT and BOLD with them!!!! they communicate so much information about structure

more on the different types of terminators/shadows. the ones i most use are cast and body.

a great example of these is the rembrandt triangle, composed of the shadow cast by the nose (cast shadow) and the shadow of the cheek (body shadow). body shadows are so so aewsome because they represents changes in planes. cast shadows r just kinda there. but i think they get softer the further away from the object they are since the light particles wiggle their way underneath and create reflection/ambient light

Ambient Occlusion and Light

SPEAKING OF WHICH!!! ambient light is basically just, the light particles that are bouncing around in a scene. imagine you're at the beach and its a really cloudy day, the shadows arent gonna be dramatic like they would if you were in a dark room with one light source.

youd think that we're kinda like. enveloped in light by default but no, we're pretty much always in shadow. shadows are the normal part. light is a strange freak that broke into your house and fucked everything up.

more about ambient occlusion. ambient occlusion just occurs when objects get close together and light cant wiggle its way in, as stated earlier. heres a shitty example. AO is key to realism.

this guy explains it better than i ever could

youtube

Lighting Focus or Whatever the Fawk its Called I Forgot But There's Definitely a Scientific/Cinematic Term For This

another thing. level of detail in shadows is gonna be way different than in light and vice versa. u know when u spend a bunch of time outside and u go inside and its just solid black for a few seconds? its a similar idea here, ur eyes are so focused on the lit area they dont even give a shit abt the shadows.

because of this, i try to keep shaded areas blurred. a lot of detail is implied, just let the viewers mind fill in the blanks.

last but not least,

Subsurface Scattering (on the skin, at least)

can i be so honest with you for a second??? i dont actually know what this means, like in depth. im sure this has something to do with light penetrating through semi-transparent skincells and illuminating blood,, but i cant be sure. thats just an educated guess. past oakley is always smarter than present oakley for some reason.

i usually combine it with reflected light to create a more cohesive look. burt like... yeah... theres plenty of people who can explain this better than me

ok thast all i hope this helped at least a little!!!!! LOTS of youtube videos. lots of visualizing silly little particles bouncing around. i probably forgot some stuff.

this video is realy good

youtube

#art tips

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chaoticbuggybitchboy · 2 months

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I want to know :3

My favorite poem is Antigonish by Hughes Mearns! It’s featured in the Magnus Archives and it is lodged in my brain forever. I’ll probably make it its own dedicated post but it talks about a man who isn’t there, with the writer wishing that the man who isn’t there would go away. It’s a lovely little poem and especially as someone whose psychosis manifests primarily as delusions, I simply Vibe with a poem about something you know isn’t there but terrorizes you anyways.

And yeah! I have taste -> color synesthesia!! For the first 10 or so years of my life I thought you could teach colors to (color)blind people using foods. It’s kind of a weird thing to try and talk about because really the main way I know that my experience of the world is different from most people’s is that language just not built for the way I experience taste. I’ve thought of trying to do some sort of art based on my synesthesia but ive never been able to figure out exactly how since it’s really difficult for me to separate taste and the colors. I also experience ‘shrimp colors’ that don’t exist in a way humans can visually experience. Like orange and green at the same time, but not grey or speckled; the color simply does not exist.

There’s also almost no correlation between visualcolors and tastecolors. Por ejemplo, carrots (orange food) taste like a desaturated forest green. The only real trends are that the more artificial a food is, the more likely it is to match color wise; and that water will lighten and desaturate things.

Also it’s difficult for me to sort of quantify since I have no other frame of reference, but it does have a lot of effects on my life. Since color tends to overwhelm any ‘normal taste’, that’s what most of my favorite (and least favorite) foods are based on. I dislike carrots because it’s unpredictable whether they’re green or brown and I don’t like that neither of those are orange. My two favorite foods are grape koolaid (it’s so purple and I like purple; I also never water it down because then it’s Purple and I can also taste sour) and salt & vinegar chips (the vinegar covers any colors).

Water is always white or a very very light grey. This does affect what water I will drink because I avoid drinking water that’s sort of tinted warm colors. Doesn’t vibe right.

And the way I describe foods is almost always color based, since that’s the main way I experience it. This has deeply confused and mildly frustrated anyone trying to learn anything applicable to their own experience of food. I have no idea what other people taste, especially since colors tend to overshadow anything else. I’m pretty sure I experience spiciness and saltiness normally though.

And as mentioned earlier, it seriously impacts my sensory issues. Tastes are doubled (I guess?) and any after taste lingers for ages. If the water im drinking is significantly tinted it builds up in my mouth and is Bad (I had to pause writing this to refill my water bottle with my house filtered water instead of the water fountain from my school since that water is reddish and my water is only very faintly teal). Also since all taste is doubled-ish I am basically always aware of the fact that my mouth has a taste and a color. Which kinda sucks.

Also I think this is an adhd thing but I have a hard time describing colors unless I’m actively tasting something because I have a word based brain and the colors are something that completely upends the English language’s way of describing the senses. That’s sort of why I always describe it as being a one way link and say “taste to color synesthesia” rather than “taste color synesthesia”, because I don’t taste anything when I see colors, I just experience colors when I taste something. I think if it went both ways I would be a very different person and would likely have meltdowns much more often but that’s pure speculation.

I thiiiink that’s everything I can think of right now, but yeah! Synesthesia! I think I heard the word about four-ish years ago now and literally nothing has clicked for me faster than that did. It took me less time to start identifying with synesthesia than it did for me to identify with any lgbtq+ label. Every time I think about the fact that ‘tasting colors’ is something that people say to mean they’re loopy or high or something and not that they can literally taste colors I have to do a double take. It’s such a seemingly tiny little thing but it’s so fundamental to my experience of the world that I cannot even imagine anything different. What does koolaid taste like if not Color? I don’t know, because all I can taste is Color.

#chaoticbuggybitchboy #info dump #synesthete #synesthesia #text post #infodump #antigonish #ask #someone did ask!!!#someone asked #glowbug synesthesia

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kafus · 5 months

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i'm really glad that i started with pokemon at the time and age that i did. there's a lot of reasons for this but i'm thinking about two in particular atm:

i was precocious with academics as a child and constantly felt bored by stuff that was considered to be for my age range. playing pokemon leafgreen for the first time on my 5th birthday required me to read dialogue/signs/etc, do some basic number processing, and use logical thinking to get to the end in ways that other games i had tried did not, and it gave me the freedom to do so at my own pace without having a cartoon character in annoying voice ask me if i can do XYZ like most edutainment games at the time lol

pokemon was easy to pick up in terms of controls, 99% of it is moving on a grid and navigating menus, which once their UI was learned, were incredibly easy to control. there is no need to have fast reaction time or the ability to do complex controller input. so long as i was willing to engage with the rpg mechanics i felt confident as a 5 year old with some motor skill issues with navigating the game

it's interesting to me because a lot of people don't like RPGs and even if they play pokemon, they may not like the RPG aspects of them, which is fine. but for me all of the RPG mechanics of pokemon slotted perfectly into my child brain that craved Brain Stimulation and only had a history of edutainment games prior. it really showed too because as i got older i did shit like discovering that IVs/EVs existed before they were ever so much as mentioned to me, of course i didn't have the name for them but just for fun i experimented with raising two of the same pokemon species to the same level after hatching them from eggs (level 20 or something) and noticed that despite being the same species and level, they had different stats, which must have meant pokemon were genetically different from each other. i found the math-y stuff genuinely interesting before i had any context for competitive etc later in life

additionally even now i sometimes struggle with more complex controls, like i love legends arceus but i think it took me longer to figure out navigating that game than most people and games that are more difficult or require more complex inputs or better reaction time tend to be really inaccessible for me. i'm very happy to just interact with a menu, i love turn based battles and the notion that they are objectively outdated when i find them genuinely engaging is so annoying

i started thinking about this because i tried to get my mom to play let's go eevee a while back since it's a pokemon game made for beginners basically, but i did not anticipate just how difficult she would find basic navigation using the controller - catching pokemon, the main part of the game, was incredibly frustrating for her, but she could do the battles alright. with pokemon moving in an open world, 3D direction, it requires you to get used to the controller if you don't want to be falling off stuff and running into pokemon constantly. and while SV isn't particularly hard to navigate or anything, and kids are getting into tech earlier and earlier than they ever were when i was little, i still really appreciate the simplicity of control when i was younger and i think it's interesting how much other people hate the relative slowness of RPGs and value freedom of movement and action a lot to the point of considering turn based gameplay really outdated while it's still my preferred way to play video games lol

#kiki was here #kiki.txt #random infodump at 2 am hiii #pokemon #this is not a critique of anything just general observation #of my own experience

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blueopinions49 · 1 year

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[HP] Harry Potter ISFP 9w8 sp/sx

Zodiac: Leo (July 31, 1980)

MBTI

ISFP (Fi-Se-Ni-Te)

Dominant and Auxiliary Functions (Fi-Se)

Fi (Introverted Feeling)

Introverted feeling is a function heavily focused on its own subjective emotional state. This seems to accurately define Harry’s personality for the whole series. While he seems to analyze things through his own emotional state figuring out his emotions and values as the series goes on. There are moments in the series where his Fi can come off as self righteous and impulsive. Ive seen people type Harry as an ISTP however from what I remember from the books and movies he doesn't analyze every little piece of a structure to understand it logically. I believe this is to be due to the mischaracterization of Fi in the community. There is this brief excerpt of Carl Jung definition of Fi that I believe brings clarity to this “They are mostly silent, inaccessible, hard to understand; often they hide behind a childish or banal mask, and their temperament is inclined to melancholy. They neither shine nor reveal themselves. As they are mainly guided by their subjective feelings, their true motives generally remain hidden. Their outward demeanour is harmonious, inconspicuous, giving an impression of pleasing repose, or of sympathetic response, with no desire to affect others, to impress, influence, or change them in any way. If this outward aspect is more pronounced, it arouses a suspicion of indifference and coldness, which may actually turn into a disregard for the comfort and well-being of others.” Yes XFXPs can be very emotional however due to Fi however to assume that Fi=Hyper emotionality is incorrect. Example of high Fi users that seem very out of touch with their emotions:Camille Preaker from Sharp Objects (IXFP 9w8 or 4w5), Shinji Ikari (INFP 9w8) and Sasuke Uchiha (ISFP 3w4,8w9 or 4w3 idk about his Enneatype just yet; im all ears for arguments tho)

Se (Extroverted Sensing)

Harry seems to learn through the moment. he doesn't seem interested in anticipating things and wondering in alternative realities and possibilities like an Ne user but rather in the moment learning. Harry is incredibly adaptable and seems to be able to find understanding in the sensory world in much faster ways than others. In both book and movie we see how broom riding and quidditch come to him more naturally in comparison to others. Even when it comes to his spell casting we can see how he mixes the environment around him to get a greater advantage to him.

Tertiary and Inferior Functions (Ni-Te)

Ni (Introverted Intuition)

When it comes to Harrys Ni we see a bit of it grow as the series goes on Ni is a function based on the big picture and its often describe as having hunches. However I would surmise that Ni as a function that tries resume things to its essence rather than a methodical one like Si. And we can see how Harry ends up surmising and creating this intense concepts of others based on little than interaction with others. In the Sorcers Stone we can see how he makes the assumption that Snape must be the one behind the plot of getting the Sorcers Stone based on simple observations and a bit of his personal dislike for Snape. However while the example gave earlier was a case of Harry being wrong in The Half Blood Prince we see how Harry was right about his assumptions on Draco Malfoy being a Death Eater.

Te (Extroverted Intuition)

Harry tends to have a bit of difficulty went it comes to using his Te throughout the saga. Most of then not Hermione is the one that helps Harry sharpen his Te. Making him think things through and be more “objective” to things. He tends to use his Fi-Se constantly and Never stop to think things through a bit more when things get difficult.

Enneagram: 9w8 sp/sx

I don't think there is any doubt that Harry is a Sp type 9 Harry’s only want since he got to Hogwarts was to find community and comfort. He distracts himself by being in the physical world constantly as a way to forget his “pain” and finds comfort in his day to day at Hogwarts. One of the many things that sp 9 are known for is the lack of interest in metaphysics and being in ones head too much (this highly applies to Harry). As for his second instinct Im very torn between sx and soc since he seems to lack allot of interest in both. I lean more towards sx due to Harry being uninterested in causes and social goings like soc 9 would (Example Padme Amidala ENFJ 9w1 from Star Wars and Claire Redfield ESFP 9w1 from Resident evil )

Next is Ron Weasley

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actualbird · 2 years

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i don't know how to explain it but you are SO correct about luke xia yan pearce being transgender . there's just something about him... there's absolutely NO WAY he's cis, like have you seen the way he dressesand his hobbies.... (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)💭 like . he just has that Vibe. i feel like he probably came out pretty early if rosa's parents were supportive, and as children he and rosa were probably even more protective of each other than they are now before he fully transitioned and was still in that awkward "not everyone knows yet and some people might be unaccepting" phase,, ,,, cause when he came back 8 years later he probably already fully transitioned............. just thinking about him being happy that he grew a lot taller than rosa because he got on t is making me so happy idk idk i just know that luke is soooooo transmasc ‼️‼️‼️ that is all ‼️‼️‼️

ANON, I AM SHAKING UR HAND SOSOSOOSOSOOO MUCHHHH!!!!!

ur so right. ur So Right. i wrote a whole fic thats basically my entire personal hcs on trans!luke semi-based on my own experiences and whatnot (which, shameless plug time, here it is "but little do we know, the stars welcome him with open arms" it's luke/mc and p much the most personal tot fic ive ever written so it's always gonna have a v special place in my heart,,,,) BUT HHHH I ADORE UR TAKES!!!!!

luke coming out earlier makes me so emo cuz Exactly. mc is gonna be absolute Luke Protection Squad. if u misgender luke, mc is gonna make sure UR pronouns will be WAS/WERE!!!!

im also such a huge believer that luke was shorter than mc as they were growing up, this is true in my heart whether hes cis or trans, he just gives me those Vibes okay. and hhhhHHHH HIM AFTER THE 8 YRS FINALLY BEING TALLER!!! he'd be proud abt it in his sometimes-own-ego-stroking "hehe, but of course!" way with the satisfied expression, and mc lets him have that moment cuz this absolutely is something he gets to be proud about

actually, that wld be such a cute exchange

luke, cutely haughty: i told you i'd be taller than you one day!

mc: you did, and im so happy for you :'D

luke, near tears now and overwhelmed with love: oh ;u;

i am always gonna be on team MC and Her Family Were and Is Incredibly Supportive Of Luke. im also on team When Luke Tells Aaron About It Later On In The NSB Days, Aaron Adjusts Kinda Clumsily But In a Well-Meaning Way and Genuinely Wants To Learn and Be Supportive Cuz He Loves Luke Like A Son Basically.

aaron is also gonna be protection squad, esp during the nsb days. we havent seen much of the nsb's innerworkings, but a govt agency being completely progressive and accepting? yea that....is probly not how itd be. tho aaron quickly learns that while luke appreciates the support, he can very much deal with assholes himself. by just beating them up during training. agent raven annihilates bigots, and i think thats beautiful

also: yeah. the sheer amount of layers in his wardrobe. and his vibes are trans and also this hc simply sparks joy in my heart and honestly that is what matters the most about hcs

in conclusion

#tears of themis #luke pearce #asks #anon #gender is stored in the stellis' best detective

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cybermeep · 4 months

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a series of words i wrote which isn’t actually an introspective rant and more like a diary entry about my day than anything

small cafeteria with a campus bookstore inside… flags of different countries, rainbow flag. iron bar like ceilings in one building & pristine tile ceiling in another. stained glass windows. the lecture area was beautiful… there were seats and retractable little tables …. desks? writing areas? in each seat. there were seats on the side near windows. snow on the ground & rain in the air & atmosphere… it was beautiful, truly. wouldn’t mind going to a college with a campus like this.

still, it was overwhelming with the lectures— couldn’t hear much of anyone or anything. small booths that were set up were better.. liked one in particular that had tons of species of marine animals on pamphlets. many people have also overlooked me; tried complimenting someones hoodie twice and they weren’t able to hear me. went to ask many questions only to be ignored. its alright, obviously— just observations. saw a boy who looked very nice & a person who i found myself bashful to be around. they seem neat… alas, i will never speak to them again. got to hold a small jar of copepods & krill & got to feel a whales baleen.. truly radiant! also got to hold a few shells and do some little games or so.. was fun.

there’s still more to see, more to do. i wonder if my absence has been noticed… probably not. if so, only vaguely. food here was mediocre but i also don’t eat lunch often so it doesn’t truly matter. (wrote the previous words as i was still on the trip; following are now from after.) after eating said lunch, moved to another building on campus and looked at more booths. was interested in a booth which pertained to interacting with live animals and cephalopods as per parts of the job; signed my name on a list to learn more about their internship program. sounds fascinating… got to touch another whales baleen, separate from the first. got many stickers & pamphlets. our trip got cut short because some people had track meets; in the end, it was still most certainly worth it. showed my friend the pamphlets & items i got, giddy with excitement. Also told my friend a fact that made him flabbergasted.. yeah, me too.

now i’m home, laying in a bed and pondering several things to do… i wish to read the left hand of darkness a bit more; started it earlier and wanted to read it on the bus to the college but it was too loud on there for me to do so comfortably. i look at the watch on my wrist & am incredibly giddy; IT GOT HERE EARLY! found it on my front step while i was walking home from my bus stop. ive never had a watch before, so this is my first one… a funky one, at that! i believe i accidentally made it a few seconds slower/faster (not actually sure which) than the actual time, by about 10 seconds give or take. this irritates me slightly but its also too small for it to cause anything world-ending unless we’re trying to spiral into a science tangent. regardless, i’ll fix it soon.

as a last sentence or so, i will say i wished deeply last night to have my dreams that followed my conscious state be disorganized & not include a particular subject as it was quite awkward to experience. suffice to say, said subject occurred in both dreams; one i had before my alarm rang at regular time, and another dream i had as i fell back asleep following a two hour delay. jarring. as for the details of both dreams, they’re quite vague as when i awoke i didn’t really write anything down… either way, i’ll try:

in the first one, i was wearing the shirt i planned last night to wear today. was wearing this & just.. took it off, gave it to someone, and that’s all i remember. will note i had other fabric on underneath said shirt just because saying this on its own sounds inappropriate.

as to why this formed in my subconscious, i think its because i was worried whether or not to wear the shirt last night / plan to wear it the following day because i still saw the subject as something i wasn’t really allowed to enjoy…. i wish i could articulate just how annoying this is to endure, both being aware this train of thought is idiotic but also still having it as its one which has been hardwired into my brain. still trying to unlearn it. if all else fails, i’ll remember to be loved is to be changed & its okay to not be the same person you used to be & that its okay to like new things…

in the second, i seemed to be outside; leaves were scattered across the ground and i was near the field, i think. a boy i didn’t know (as he was fabricated for the dream— this happens quite often) had come up with an idea to solidify water and try to sell it as currency.. weirdly enough, when it solidified it didn’t actually look like ice or anything; was an odd mustard yellow ish hue. how would water solidify if it wasn’t frozen…. this idea was ludicrous & overtly stupid, but i followed along with it. remember sitting underneath a tree with my switch sitting off to the side when a boy sitting beside me sneezed… this isn’t really important, i just remembered the detail. don’t remember much else besides boarding the same bus and getting dropped off at the same stop, albeit i walked much farther to my house. hm.

theres.. no real reason why the second dream formed that way, besides the argument i was worried whether buses would be sent out or not following the delay in my waking state between both dreams. as for the water as currency, i believe that had to do with the fact i had read dune last night & remembered how valuable water was on arrakis.

i, uh… should start doing something important. yup.

#cybers tangents

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valewright67 · 2 years

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Are you okay?

Hello.

I'm a little stressed?

It's kinda stupid, honestly.

I start school on Monday, right? And it's my first year in college, I'm doing deaf studies and interpreting for ASL. I thought it would be good to learn asl, since I struggle to hear anyways.

Also, my therapist thinks I have autism? We're not gonna try to get a diagnoses, because that could very well be upwards of 5k, and I don't have that to throw around, yknow? But he strongly suspects, and I don't know what to do about that.

I have classes Monday and Wednesday in person, plus homework. Tuesday is my allotted online day, PLUS the one day with a flexible schedule I'll have to run any errands I may need to do. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I'm WORKING, 8 to 4. After that is any other homework I need to get done, plus all my household chores, and maybe some smaller errands, like shopping.

On top of that, my partner just like. Doesn't respond? We had plans today and tomorrow we made a couple weeks ago and I was trying to confirm and it's been EIGHT HOURS, and no response. I try to be patient, but this is a regular thing. I get he stays up most of the night and sleeps the day away, but it's 8:15 pm and NOTHING. He finally responds at 8:30 saying his phone is on the fritz and he got around it by connecting his number to his laptop. Which I can understand but I was half ready for HOURS. He couldn't have checked in earlier??

I'm not gonna HAVE any time off, I'm not gonna HAVE a day. And that in off itself stresses me out! Between school and work and homework and errands and chores, I'm either going to have time for sleep or a personal time. I can alternate between those well enough, I'm 18, almost 19, and I've got enough stamina to give up on sleep a couple nights a week. I won't be especially energetic, but I'll be able to function.

And I've been trying so hard to just WRITE, because I'm RUNNING OUT OF TIME. I've got ideas, LOADS of ideas, I'm up to the BRIM with them! And I'm not gonna have any time to write, this is my last chance, but I just CANT?

And you've sent me asks, I've seen them, I've thought about them, ive got stories, and then they just rot in my inbox, because I can't even START them. And do you know how many blurbs and thoughts and COMPLETELY FORMED STORIES I just need to actually WRITE? Like the Tristan reblog, do you know how much I want to add to that, but I can't pump anything out? I've got this great idea for the "by the way your best friends your mother" reveal. And I've got a big bro zel au I'm so PROUD of, and I want to share it with @demonprincezeldris but I've only got one section written, which I submitted WEEKS AGO AND WAS RESPONDED TO ALREADY. It was supposed to be a three part, and I've got the whole plot there, spent ages muling it over and hammering out every detail.

Then there's what I've got on A03. Did you know there's someone who thought I stopped writing Vorago because I didn't like their idea? That's not it at all! I LOVED their idea! But I couldn't even respond to their COMMENT, because what do I say?? "No, I stopped writing after you gave me this idea because I'm paralyzed staring at Google docs." And it was months ago, anyways! And I've got a bunch of others there that people want more of!

And I just. Can't. Write. No matter how hard I try. What I actually manage to force out is jilted and cringy and awful, and I will absolutely not publish that. It's almost worse than my WATTPAD ERA!

Almost. Those were dark days.

Im just so frustrated, because I'm OUT OF TIME, and I. Did. NOTHING. I'm not gonna have any time to write, even if I can, I'm not gonna have any time for a social life - that I barely had anyways - im not gonna have time for myself, im barely gonna have time to SLEEP. I feel like wasted what I had left.

Is this what it feels like to be an adult? I don't like it. I wanna be a kid again.

#rant #sorry in advance #vent #TW: emotions #writers block maybe? is that what this is?#adulting sucks.

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bicheetopuff · 2 years

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“Izuku Midoriya: Origin” Dissection

Katsuki Bakugo Desperately Wanted to be the Main Character

Contents

I: Intro

II: The Essence of Arrogance

III: Aggressive Fan Behavior

IV: Aggressively Believing in Someone You Don’t Like

V: Unprecedented Karma

VI: Less Aggressive Wrap Up

I: Intro

Katsuki Bakugo… Although he’s the most loved character, he’s the abuser to our abused main character. Regardless of his abuse, he recognizes his victims attempt at being heroic despite being quirkless and that pisses him off… and that kinda continues for the first 100 chapters but that’s besides the point.

We’re delivered this arrogant, cocky, spikey haired punk and we all immediately learn to hate him. If you say you never hated him pre-character development, you’re either lying or you’re a sadistic asshole. (Sorry not sorry)

II: The Essence of Arrogance

Not only does Katsuki think very highly of himself but he also looks down on everyone around him. Almost sees them as subpar humans with the way he addresses them as “extras” naturally.

Not only that but, we’re also shown that his inspiration to be a hero is as follows:

III: Aggressive Fan Behavior

Katsuki seems very confident and is absolutely LOVING his spotlight until someone mentions that none other than quirkless Izuku is also aiming to get into UA.

After his mention the class bursts into laughter towards Izuku for even thinking that he’d get into UA. Everyone except Katsuki, which is easy to miss because you’d think that the guy that’s been revealed to have been bullying Izuku since the ripe age of fucking 4 would be absolutely hysterical at the thought of Izukus thought to even apply. Or you’d think he’d just ignore him and brush him off because he’s so confident that Izuku wouldn’t get in. Knowing he’s better than the rest of the class meant he knows he’s infinitely better than literally the only quirkless kid in class, right?. Right??

Wrong. He gets pissed off and defensive showing that he’s still the same four year old that beat up little Izuku in the park ten years prior to this moment. He’s the same asshat that most readers wanted to punch in the face after reading just the first few pages of chapter one.

IV: Aggressively Believing in Someone You Don’t Like

Learning that Izuku is also trying to get into UA enrages him so much that he feels the need to emotionally and physically abuse Izuku. Despite earlier when getting compared to his peers, he just shit talked and expressed his giant ego. This reaction leaves us hating katsuki even more and asking ourselves why??

It’s not just him feeling like he’s above Izuku. It’s the same reason every bully bullies. He let his own insecurity blind him because he knows Izuku can be (and will, if he gets into UA) a far better hero because of his reckless sense of defense and protectiveness, no matter the consequences.

He kills Izukus hope because, despite being the harshest, he shows the most faith in him. He’s the only one in his class that knows Izuku could get into UA if he tried, which is why he went too far.

Even his lackeys think Katsuki went too far but Katsuki justifies it by saying he’s convinced that Izuku is “messing” with him. But he’s lying cuz the drink in his hand says “lip service”. Essentially it means he doesn’t mean what he’s saying. @/binabees_ on TikTok explains it really well, her video about it is pinned, go watch it, or else.

Then we all know what happens next… I hate to call it what it is but it’s literally instant karma.

V: Unprecedented Karma

He gets swallowed by the same villain that swallowed Izuku earlier and no one is doing anything to help him. No one except Izuku.

And like before, he’s pissed off at Izukus blatantly natural ability to be heroic without even thinking about it. He’s pissed off that it’s Izuku, of all people, to come to his rescue. He’s given a core memory and it results in a turning point in Katsukis character. A turning point for better and worse (only for a while).

VI: Less Aggressive Wrap Up

After his near death experience, he gets senselessly praised and looks visibly uncomfortable? The same Katsuki who, earlier that day, was showing off and boasting about his skill in class. The same Katsuki who expressed that being a hero meant fame, money, and glory for him in the future. And he’s uncomfortable at the praise he’s receiving from Pro Heroes.

Why??

He’s convinced that if he can’t save himself, he’d rather not be saved at all. It’s this mindset that leads to him not getting his provisional hero license later on because he doesn’t just apply the mindset to himself, he applies it to citizens and the people around him as well.

He doesn’t take the praise because he’s convinced he doesn’t deserve it, and he doesn’t. He almost died and he would’ve if Izuku didn’t stop the villain from suffocating him. He did nothing deserving of mindless praise. He was attacked and should be having someone comfort him (or attempt to, knowing he wouldn’t like the comfort either), not tell him how cool his quirk is like he didn’t just almost die. (I hate the heroes in this chapter)

(This scene is also meant to show that Izuku and Katsuki parallel each other whether they like it or not. Izuku being a kid who stays true to himself with the world working against him with selfless goals and ideals. Katsuki being a kid who feels the need to show off despite the world already propelling him forward and giving him mindless praise for his quirk and bravery but having selfish goals and ideals)

And of course he’s convinced that Izuku had ulterior motives to saving him resulting in him chasing Izuku down just to call him out. (Fan behavior if you ask me)

At the end of the day, no matter how much of an asshole katsuki is shown to be it’s made pretty clear from the beginning that he’s not just some conveniently placed side character written in order to give our main character some trauma. He’s not a protagonist or antagonist. He’s our deuteragonist. It’s made clear that he’s going to be apart of this story just as much as Izuku is, despite his shitty introduction.

(Although, his story revolves around Izuku way more than Izukus story revolves around him)

Katsuki Metas

Next>>

Dissection Series

<<Prev | Next>>

#bnha #bnha meta #my hero academia #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #all might #mha manga #boku no hero academia #bakudeku #just a little

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tothedarkdarkseas · 2 years

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the thing that irks me about murdoc being put into the dom top role is: most often the people that do it, idealize him as being Powerful and Confident and Badass. as if, he couldn't be all that to them if he were a bottom. the "idiot", "sweet boy" 2d takes the bottom role most often than not. which is a stereotypical way of thinking.

and it could lead to a way more hurtful mindset.

especially because half of the top murdoc/bottom stu fans romanticize the abuse of power within the relationship already. ive seen countless fics back in the day of murdoc taking advantage of a comatose stu, or of just a vulnerable stu in general. and it's really really weird, assuming the writers most of the time are very young. it makes you worry.

obviously not every fan that likes a top murdoc is like this. but ive seen many throughout the years. and i wish those people would just reflect on it a little bit more.

anyways. murdoc is an overly confident asshole that can take it up the ass like there's no tomorrow. and i think that's wonderful.

I can get in a bit of trouble when the topic comes up and I'd very much like to avoid that, but you know I'm also terrible about keeping schtum on top Stu opinions--

Most of the fandom does tend to have the opposite preference from me and I know many lovely people with it, so this isn't meant as blanketed slander. But concerning a good bit of content from years back I do think there's a level of... disengaging from the things said and done by Murdoc or Stu, particularly in those earlier funnier phases, and it's in service of fitting a pre-determined box for them that is learned via fan culture or pop culture, most often the former. "This is how you ship two boys," is the unspoken thought, "you know which is which when you look at them," and it's missing the fact that they are men, older and weathered and addled, and they are rockstars, and they are addicts, and they are two impressive if crooked things alone and they are, to an incredibly grim point, one more impressive and more crooked thing together. At least, I think it is more rewarding to see it that way. That is just my personal experience as someone who has hung around past the median timeframe for Studoc writers, and as someone who adores the characters, truly adores discussing them (to embarrassing extents) and truly cares about doing it to the best of my ability.

The fun, frustrating and compelling thing about Studoc is that there really can be five or ten different versions of them and their dynamic, because the source material is so sporadic and inconsistent and spread across dozens of sources; there isn't a streamlined script for the episodes and a clear character arc being pushed over the series, because it simply doesn't exist in that format. We do not all have identical experiences with them. So to that end, I understand why most fans don't see them the same way I see them. I understand why fans may hate my stuff, or why it makes them uncomfortable or unhappy, or why it just isn't gratifying enough to be worth the time. It hurts, but I understand why it happens. The part that's a little more taxing is that for the entire history of the fandom, there has been an overwhelming push for assigning gendered roles and then entire personalities based on sexual position-- whether the dynamic surrounding that sexual blueprint was soft or rough, tender or violent, those roles often looked almost identical, like somehow this was the line that couldn't be crossed. There are times where that becomes the thing that defines them: not who they are, not how they talk, not where they've come from, not their shared history or aspirations or dating pool or household or addiction or any number of factors, but simply Daddy and Bimbo. Whether that content makes someone happy or has a right to exist or not isn't really what I'm seeking to comment on, but... it saddens me when I see artists and writers who are creating something different but inevitably seem to, in my opinion, buckle under the disbelonging and discard their original interests in pursuit of community and validation (and I can't fault them for this, fandom exists to alleviate the loneliness and be shared) or phase out of the fandom entirely because of that distance. It isn't worth the effort when the crowd doesn't want it. I get that too.

Sorry, I know this got off the rails, haha. I'm really not trying to ostracize folks for liking a dom Murdoc. It just isn't my preference and I think his character is so much fun as a foulmouthed egoist speedfreak who loves the feeling of his face pressed into the carpet. I enjoy it so thoroughly, I really can't help but want everyone to try a bite. (And Stu-- well, I am Actually Insane about Stu and the potential his character has and how absolutely every detail adds to that, that much is evident from the blog, so you know what I think already!)

#but i sincerely do wish to not stir up drama on the blog so please try to see this in good faith #long post

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petscrub · 7 months

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Some ramblings about future/life choices

I’ve been working on my FIT (fashion school…) portfolio. It’s due on Nov 1 lol and i still have a decent amount to complete. There’s the first portion, which is a sportswear, or ready to wear, design. That consists of a jacket, skirt, pants, and top. I already have the design, i just keep going to sketch it and hating the sketches. I don’t know. I’ve made several mock ups, and none of them are fully speaking to me… its more of an illustration issue than a design issue. I like the outfit i designed. But i feel so disconnected from my actual sketches. I guess i just need to remember that I’m not trying to be an illustrator or artist in that sense. I want to go to school so i can design and create and sew the actual garments. The sketch is part of the process but is it actually as important to make it look ‘perfect’ in my eyes as i am putting as much pressure on? I’m so awfully perfectionist that i struggle to have anything look subpar or incomplete. My sketches are rather simple, and i suppose that’s all that really matters anyway; being able to see the design of the garment clear enough, and the actual illustrative component is secondary.

I’m just gonna keep telling myself that because i need to move past this part and continue on with the portfolio. The next portion is my own designs, just whatever i want to share. I have plenty of designs I’ve made in the past that i like, ill just have to redraw them and color them, etc. and the last part is the biggest section: a sewn project. Luckily i already made my auto bonnet, but it requires 2-3 pieces, so I’m going to have to make at least one more piece. This is obviously the most important section/the most work, and ive been putting it off all day…

I think i am just already frustrated with my sketches that I worry ill get to sewing and get even more frustrated with the project. (I’m a very amateur seamstress, i know little to nothing.) so it’s easy for me to not know what the hell I’m doing, and I don’t know if I have the patience right now. But i need to get it done before nov 1……. Ugh

This is an important thing for me to do though. I have no idea if ill get in tbh. My past experiences with college have led to poor GPAs and attendance, ive been so depressed at those points in my life, and I’m worried it’ll effect FIT’s decision in my application. Plus, I can’t help but think about all the amazing people probably applying… but anyway. This is something that I want for myself, i can see myself making money and making things i love and feel proud of with this kind of knowledge and experience. Do i necessarily wanna go back to school…? I don’t know. But i figure I’ll apply to see what happens anyway. I can always just. Not go.

I have plans for this, i really want to have my own independent fashion line, simply made in my own studio. Original pieces and one of a kind things, i can actually picture it and have faith that i can make a good amount of money… because I’d be charging a pretty decent amount for my stuff, i want it to be high quality and unique. I look at my designs in my sketchbook and i see so much potential for interesting garments and such. I think my biggest thing? Overcoming my impatience and taking the time, learning, and working hard to make quality items. Ive been learning more and more that my impatience is the greatest thing hindering my work; making it amateur and flawed… i need to really take my time!!! Why is that so hard???

The answers from the poll i made earlier are interesting. I think i will in fact go with “Fallen Scrub” though “faint get up” is a close second. I want something that feels connected to me and my identity and vision. Obviously scrub gender is something that really speaks to me and who i am… lol

Thanks for reading if u got this far. I have high hopes for myself and future even when it feels like I’m never gonna get there, or that ill never been good enough. It’s like, in the back of my mind, ill always believe i have the power and capability to succeed, and make art that i love. I see it rarely in my stuff. Like, extremely rare. But with the auto bonnet i sewed, while it wasn’t perfect, there was something about it that felt… right. Felt like it was coming from an authentic place of, this is who i am, what i make, and what i want to share with the world. Anyway!!! I should really get back to work, lol ;/

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heybaetae · 1 year

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i don't think its cus ur shitty but probably more cause they see u have a big heart and thats def something ppl take advantage of. sometimes we just meet ppl, good or bad for us so i wouldn't put it on urself too much esp if u know you're not toxic like that. ive also been getting the short end of the stick when it comes to friends & maybe i'm projecting but thats what it feels like. its crazy how much words can hurt esp said at the wrong time, while maybe the person who said it didn't see it that way. it's how they react to u telling them it hurt u, will show you the type of person they are. the irony is i never really do express how i feel and the 1 time i did it, the person took no accountability :) they felt like they can choose when their actions/words hurt someone when thats not the case at all. maybe they didn't /intend/ to but it could still happen & thats what they couldn't get at all. question tho, u have online friends right? do u only consider them online friends or are they just friends in general? (more so talking about the ppl u know by name and talk w/ often) asking cus i known someone online for a few yrs & got super close but recently they're treating me like i'm not apart of their life (barely hear from them, leaves me hanging for days before they reply) so im kinda backing off and it doesnt seem like they care tbh. now i feel like i'm just someone they know "online"

oof yeah you’re really hitting the nail on the head about the selective accountability thing. i can’t believe how hard it is for some people to acknowledge that they might have hurt someone with their words or actions. when someone’s pride outweighs their ability to own up to their mistake and let someone be vulnerable with them about how they made them feel. how do you expect anyone to ever trust you when you can’t do that? when you’d rather someone live with a bad version of you in their head instead of apologizing and making an effort to do better?

i do have online friends. most of my friends now are online ones. like i said earlier, the pandemic really kinda messed with the real life friendships i had (which ironically started as online friendships anyway) and with growing up, people drift apart or move away. i consider some online friends much closer than others, as you do depending on how much you talk and how much you let them in. i’ve learned to be a little more careful about it though because i’ve been burned by people. i’m a lot more reserved about it these days, but my best friend of twelve years is someone i met online and we’ve only met in person once because we live in different states, but he’s practically my soulmate and we can go days or weeks without talking and nothing changes. we have excellent communication too. i’ve had online friendships that were close but have fizzled out naturally and i get how it feels when that happens, it can be confusing when you realize maybe they were more important to you than you were to them 🥲

#ask

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rambleswhatsthepoint · 2 years

Text

10/08/2022

Roger’s mom called me today, at first my heart dropped thinking “why is she calling me!?!?” but it was only good news. Apparently it was one month ago today that they adopted Roger and she just wanted to give me an update and to thank me. it makes me so happy that he has gone to a really good home where he is loved and taken care of. She actually posted a hilarious video on facebook this week of him sleeping and snoring, snorting, and having a dream. it was so funny and he is just so cute. she told me he has gotten taller & is just having the best time and gets along well at the dog park. he’s doing better not jumping up on people. and apparently he’s learned “shake”. Well he has one up on Stella there lol.

Let’s see... had to chauffer my mom to the dentist earlier today which is back in the town where i grew up. it’s so strange to see all the new developments and different stores. there are so many condo buildings now it’s crazy. how do all the people fit there? lol. the ace hardware was just the same inside lol. always have a fond spot in my heart for that place as i remember my grandpa walking there. my old junior high was torn down (i think last year?) and they built a shiny new one. my old house has some different landscaping/flowers in the front and it looks really nice. kind of missed the northside and imagined myself moving back.

why do i still live in this house? probably just cause it’s easier NOT to move. i dunno. i didn’t choose this house, but it somehow became my home. and even though the ex is no longer here, it’s still mine. selling and moving would be soooo crazy to do. and im not making much progress saving money lol. did a little too much retail therapy post divorce i guess.

anyways i got a couple pastries from the bakery across the dentist’s office and it was so dang good, omg. and then we ate a japanese place the dentist recommended and it was so good as well, lol. I guess Leo’s fam knows it since it’s close to them & they also love it. everything that went into the bento box was so tasty and cooked well. then we went to a super H mart. so huge! it’s like twice the size of the market we go to that’s closer to our house.

i miss the north side a little bit. and then knowing how easy it would be to hang out with Cancer and her fam. i DON’T need to live here anymore as I wfh and can do that from anywhere. no need to be in central location between his and my workplace. /sigh, i dunno.

since my last entry, i was introduced to Disney’s Dreamlight Valley. Hello, newest time suck! it’s cute and fun & got all the right addicting things. just add fighting monsters and dying and it would be just like any other really good rpg, lol.

the ankle is getting better, but i still don’t have the full range of motion, which makes me a little off and using muscles differently. my left glute is SO SORE all the time lol. i’ve done a couple workouts on the bike now too, just not clipping in as i’m afraid of the motion of clipping in and out. i’ve gotten up to 6.3 for shorter intervals later in the class.

nephew had a game this evening, but they lost :( it’s been fun watching his games, i am glad they are on espn+. and then i text with my sister while we watch lol.

work has been really busy onboarding all sorts of new clients and new client acquisitions. the year will be done in a blink of an eye! ugh.

oh, Leo friend started therapy this week. i’m proud of her and really wondering if it’s something i should also look into. most of my life ive just pushed through/ignored kept so busy i didn’t have to deal with things. do i have issues? sure, but i’d say no more than anyone else. would it help to talk things through? probably. but, i’ll probably stay too lazy to do anything about it and just stay in my cycle on repeat. i dunno.

what is my why???

#Online Journal #my life #rambles

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winter-soldier-vibes · 3 years

Text

You Aren’t Somebody? (Bucky x Reader)

Bucky x reader

Word count: 2647

Summary: Bucky knows that the reader has struggled with an eating disorder before, but thought they were doing better. Little does he know, they had just gotten better at hiding it. Until one night, he catches her doing something she had promised she had stopped

Warnings: eating disorder, purging, angst, fluff

Tags @abitgryffindorky @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @buckfics @barnesplums @mardema @stucky-on-spiderman @thundering-barnes

Main Masterlist

A/N: It’s finals week and I am running on energy drinks, reading fanfiction, and longgggg hot showers. But the semester is almost over, and then I have no obligations aside from my hobbies. I see the requests and I’m working on them I promise! I have a list of all the requests that I get, and I am working through them I PROMISE!!! Thank you all for all of your support.

A/N 2: This deals with heavy and dark themes of mental illness. The specific warnings are above. If you feel that in any way reading this will be harmful to your mental health and your journey, PLEASE skip it. I write from my own experience and I know what I would’ve wanted to hear in these situations, and writing/reading fics helps me feel comforted. This fic is based on one experience more specifically than most of my fics, so I apologize if it’s not exactly the same as your experience. This is what I would’ve wanted to hear. If you need or want someone to talk to, vent to, or get advice from, feel free to message me, really. I’m here! <3

------------------------------

Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his.

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky.”

He looked you up and down. Your hair was in a messy bun, a few loose strands sticking to your tear stained cheeks. Your eyes were puffy, and your face was red, voice raspy. He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

“You promised.”

You closed your eyes. He wasn’t wrong, you had promised. But that was because you never thought you’d see the day when you were purging again. You thought you had gotten over it. You really thought that this time you wouldn’t slip up.

------------------

You had been struggling with an eating disorder for a while. The cause, you weren’t quite sure. An innocent diet soon turned into a competition for yourself, but the end goal was never there. At first you had thought it was just about the weight and how you looked, but then you found that some of your behavior patterns were tied to your emotional ones.

Stress was the major trigger, you had come to learn.

Whether it was a mission gone wrong, you getting injured, someone else getting injured, or even just basic social interactions you thought could’ve gone better, you found yourself inclined to comfort yourself with food.

Until you panicked, which would lead you to the bathroom with music blaring and water running to cover up the noises of your retching.

You hated it, and every time you told yourself it was the last time. But the more you did it, the more you felt the urge to do it. At first it was triggered by large stressors, but now smaller things could trigger you to want to throw up. You tried to keep it hidden, unaware of the true reasons for why you did it. You were able to help yourself sometimes, it wasn’t worth bringing anyone else into.

You couldn’t explain it to yourself, so how were you supposed to explain it to anybody?

The best way that you had figured out how to describe it was that whenever you felt a negative emotion, you could soothe it in a physical way with food, especially with all the warm comfort foods that are known. But at the same time, that feeling lasted as long as you could taste, and you would feel guilty as you felt full. When you threw up, it felt like you were also throwing up the negative emotions.

But when you said it out loud, it didn’t make sense. When people are sick and throwing up it’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Inducing it hurts sometimes, but it’s almost not as bad. Like you know it’s coming, and you’re in control of what’s happening and you could stop at any point. And there had been times where you could soothe yourself in other ways, and you knew your own physical limits. You knew when you had to stop for your own health.

Until you couldn’t stop.

Which is what led to you fainting on a mission after purging too much. Your electrolytes had bottomed out and you almost had a heart attack at an age no one should. Bucky, your boyfriend who was on the mission with you, had put it together when the first words out of your mouth upon gaining consciousness were “Is this a glucose drip?” while tugging at the IV.

He hadn’t been mad, not exactly. He wasn’t mad at you but he was furious with himself for not noticing, and for making you feel as though you couldn’t tell him. You assured him that you did trust him, but he wished you had come to him before you could’ve gotten yourself, and those on the mission, seriously hurt or killed.

Nonetheless, you still didn’t know how to talk about it.

“Can you try to tell me about it?” he asked gently, running a hand through your hair. He held you to his chest, you unable to meet his eyes.

“It won’t make any sense,” you had said, tears glazing your eyes.

“I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”

You paused for a moment. “It’s a long story and I don’t know where to start. There’s so much going wrong.” you had said, tears beginning to streak down your face.

“I have all the time for you. And it doesn’t have to make sense, these things rarely do. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to listen.”

And true to his word, he had. He had listened and held you while you tried to talk about what you could. He didn’t understand everything, he naturally had a ton of questions, but they weren’t for that moment. He had promised to help you the best that he could, and you had promised to try and tell him whenever you felt the urges get too strong. And if you couldn’t, to tell him after.

It was easier to talk to Bucky than anyone else. Not because he was your boyfriend, but because he seemed to understand you more than anyone else could. He had his own share of mental health struggles. Neither of you knew exactly what the other was going through, but you both understood that it was easy to feel alone and guilty even though you couldn’t control it.

It was rough, but he was never mad. He was sometimes firm, and sometimes you had gotten angry with him. Only to later apologize to him with tears in your eyes. He was never mad with you. He understood that this was something internal. Upon research he had done and conversations he had had with Bruce, he understood that this had nothing to do with him. Some people thought eating disorders were about getting attention when it was one of the furthest things from the truth.

All he could do was love you and be there for you.

And to your surprise, talking about it did help.it took a long time, months, of long and hard conversations, panic attacks, slip ups, and really dark days. But it got to the point where Bucky felt that you were doing better, making an effort to tell you how proud he was and how much he loved you.

And you were doing better, in a way. But you had been slipping up more recently, and you hadn’t told Bucky. You didn’t know how. After going the longest you’d ever had between slip ups, you found yourself retching over the toilet. You would have gone to Bucky but he had been away on a mission that was extended a few days. You couldn’t interrupt him because your feelings were too much to handle. People needed his help more than you did.

You were going to tell him, but he had been so tired when he had come back. He needed his time to relax, and it wasn’t the right time to tell him. And the next day when he was rested, you felt that it was irrelevant. Any negative feeling you had felt the day before had since past, and you didn’t see the point in bringing it up today. It would worry Bucky, he wouldn’t want to go on missions, and you weren’t going to do that to him. Besides, it was just one time.

Right?

You soon found yourself purging when Bucky wasn’t around. If he had gone out with Steve, if he was on a mission, or if he was down in the gym you found yourself taking more opportunities to give into your urges. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been, but you were spiraling. But at this point you had been slipping up so many times, you had been so secretive about it.

It would kill Bucky inside to know that you were hiding this from him again. He would feel like you didn’t trust him. You trusted him with your life.

You just didn’t want to let him down. Not again, not when he had explicitly told you to come to him and you had been blatantly ignoring that.

You wanted to tell him, you did. But you couldn’t let him being so proud of you be based on a lie.

One day you were hunched over the toilet, legs sahking and tears streaming down your face from exertion. Bucky was away on a mission, so you didn’t even bother with the music or the water. What you hadn’t anticipated was him coming back hours earlier than he should’ve

The mission had gone much more smoothly than anticipated, which everyone was happy about. Bucky was glad he would get a few more hours with you. He had gone up to your shared room and let himself in, surprised to see you weren’t there. But then he heard you coughing from behind a closed bathroom door.

He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. You had been doing so well, what had happened?

He walked over to the door, knocking on it and calling out your name. He heard you muffle a small fuck before he knocked again.

“Y/n please, let me in.”

He heard the toilet flush and the sink turn on, you on the other side washing your face. You could feel the tears from exertion be replaced by ones of shame and embarrassment, biting your lip slightly. What the fuck were you going to tell him?

When you finally turned off the water, you rubbed your face with a towel, sighing heavily into it. When you took it away, you looked long and hard at the doorknob.

Bucky sighed on the other side of the door. “Y/n please. I’m not mad. We’ve been here before, I just wanna talk to you.”

You closed your eyes for a moment, taking a breath before you made your expression nuetral and opened the door.

Bucky’s eyes immediately saddened when he took you in. your face was still red and there were tears in your eyes. You had tried to put up a front, he could tell that too. Sometimes you got angry with him because you didn’t want to be vulnerable. He was prepared because like he said - he’d helped you before.

Before he could say anything you crossed your arms. “You’re home early,” you said coldly.

“Y/n.”

“How’d the mission go? Well, I assume.” you tried to slip past Bucky but he was blocking the door.

Bucky took a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah, the mission went well.” He wanted to be gentle with you. “But how are you?”

You shrugged, trying to appear oblivious. “I’m fine,” voice wavering slightly as you looked away.

“Y/n please. You’re not fine. Can you tell me what happened?”

“The same thing that always happens” you said bitterly. “Something stupid comes up, I start feeling like shit about myself and I ignore it until I’m puking it up with everything else, alright? It’s the same story, different time, and now I have you looking at me all hurt just like I was worried about which is why I couldn’t tell you!” you exclaimed, eyes filled with anger and tears. Bucky looked at you as if you had just punched him in the face. He would’ve much preferred that you had.

“Y/n.”

You shook your head, trying to get through the door that he was blocking. “Bucky, just let me through the door, forget it.”

“Y/n just talk to me please, I -”

“JUST LET ME THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR.” You yelled, surprising Bucky. It had been a while since you had gotten this angry or defensive. But he stood his ground. Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his.

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky,” you said, feeling tears threatening to spill over.

He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

You closed your eyes and felt a pang in your stomach. “Bucky, I - “

“You promised,” he said, voice cracking.

You shook your head. “Why do I have to talk about this. It’s not like I’m hurting anybody”

“You’re hurting yourself, y/n.” he said calmly.

You shook your head and narrowed your eyes slightly, tears falling. “That’s different Bucky, you know it is.”

“You aren’t somebody?”

You looked at him for a moment before a sob escaped your body, leaning on the counter for support as you brought a hand to your mouth. Bucky quickly came up behind you and pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around you. You started crying harder, embarrassed and ashamed.

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t know how to tell you, I -”

“Hey it’s okay, it’s alright y/n, I’m here.” Bucky kept whispering reassurances in your ears, rubbing a hand up and down your back.

After some time passed, you didn’t know how long, you were able to calm down enough to take some shaky breaths, hiding your red face in Bucky’s chest.

“When did this start happening again?” he asked softly

“I don’t know… few weeks at least, not really sure.”

He took a breath, trying to stay calm. A few weeks and he hadn’t suspected anything, and you were alone. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were on a mission, I couldn’t interrupt that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when I got back?” he pressed gently.

“You were so tired Bucky - ”

“Y/n.” he said more firmly.

You paused for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t take those answers. If they were truly the reason then you would’ve told him the next day or the day after, as soon as the opportunity came. There was more to why you waited, and Bucky knew that.

“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” you whispered.

You heard Bucky sigh. He was angry with himself, for not being approachable to you. All he wanted was to make you feel safe enough to come to him, and to hear that you hadn’t because you thought he had expectations for you crushed him. “Y/n, I told you you could tell me about this. When have I ever been disappointed or angry with you?”

“You haven’t. You were just so proud and I - I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I didn’t want to tell you that you were proud of a lie.”

“Hey, hey look at me.” Hesitantly you looked up to meet his eyes. “None of this was you lying. You put in the hard work day after day, and I told you I was here to support you. But I never did the work for you. You did that. I’m proud of you and I always will be because you’re a fighter. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to slip up. It’s okay to need a little help too, and that’s what I’m here for. A slip up doesn’t erase all the hard work you’ve put in before. I’m proud of you for the progress you’ve made, and of the work you put in. This doesn’t change anything sweetheart.”

He pulled you back into his chest.

“I’ll always be proud of you.”

#Bucky Barnes #buckybarnes #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky #bucky barns fanfiction #bucky barns imagine #bucky barns x you #MCU fanfiction #mcu imagine #mcu fic #MCU #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #marvel #eating disorder comfort #tw eating disorder #tw

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whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst · 3 years

Text

Texts from The Lost Tomb, part 3

I didn’t mean for this to stray into angst but like the lack of updates with Li Cu in LTR?? I had to do it to em.

Wushanju Crew Chat, 11:05pm

Li Cu: what’s up losers I’m outside

Li Cu: someone come on and open the damn door

Wang Meng: Language:(

Li Cu: fine, someone come on and open the damn door please

Snake Eyes Chat, 7:00am

Wu Xie: hey are you awake? Sorry I missed you coming in:) was finishing up some work. How was the end of your first semester? Did that geology paper go well? Did the food budget work out or do you need some extra money next semester?

Li Cu: yeah about your work

Li Cu: heard a little rumor

Li Cu: about you going through some stuff during ur recent trip

Li Cu: some stuff you maybe forgot to mention

Li Cu: and you told me we gotta check in with stuff, so this is me checking in, okay

Wu Xie: oh? What stuff?

Li Cu: idk just like

Li Cu: THE STUFF WITH YOU ALMOST FUCKING DYING FOR FUCKING MONTHS AND THE WAREHOUSE SHIT AND ERJING AND PEOPLE HURT YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A THUNDER CITY AND NOONE FUCKING CALLED ME ABT THOSE PARTS ONCE

Wu Xie: oh. That stuff.

Li Cu: yeah asshat I’m in the kitchen whenever you’re ready to explain your fucking bullshit. Also you’re out of milk wtf how am I supposed to make breakfast here

Main Chat, 11:14am

Wu Xie: okay so it’s possible I fucked up a little bit.

Wang Pangzi: THERES JUST SO MUCH YOU COULD BE REFERRING TO I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START

Zhang Qiling: What’s wrong?

Honorary Wu Chat, 11:30am

Wang Pangzi: KID IM SO SORRY THAT PUNK IS A TRAINWRECK BUT YOU KNEW THAT

Wang Meng: Welcome home, Li Cu <3 not much has changed, ultimately.

Wang Pangzi: IT DIDNT EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT HE WOULDNT TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT IT ONCE THE REST OF US FIGURED IT OUT

WAIT HOW DID YOU FIND OUT

Li Cu: it’s okay. not your fault, uncle. Doesn’t matter how I found out. Wait wait hold on what do you mean “the rest of us figured it out” who figured it out

Wang Pangzi: SAY HELLO LIU SANG

Liu Sang: …hello.

Wang Pangzi: SAY MORE THAN THAT.

Liu Sang: uh…so you’re Wu Xie’s protégé, huh?

Li Cu: oh well howdy there homewrecker

Liu Sang: Excuse me??

Zhang Qiling: I think someone on the roof is calling me and I should go find out.

Wang Meng: I would also very much like to be removed from this conversation.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHAHA KIDDO IVE MISSED YOU

Li Cu: all I’m saying is aren’t you the little creep who’s obsessed with Xiao Ge

Liu Sang: ???

Zhang Qiling: Li Cu is referring to a brief period of irrational thought on Wu Xie’s part, where he mistakenly believed you to be a threat to our relationship.

Liu Sang: what do you mean a threat??

Wang Pangzi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN TIANZHEN HAD “A BRIEF PERIOD OF IRRATIONAL THOUGHT”

YOUVE MET YOUR HUSBAND RIGHT

Wang Meng: can you please take me off this chat.

Liu Sang: Wait, so Wu Xie told you about me, but…reading between the lines, he didn’t mention the cancer or anything bad that happened? Oh yikes.

Li Cu: don’t change the subject “Liu Sang”

if that is your real name

Like yeah you’re right abt it but still

just saying

heard you got good ears but I’ve got snake powers

kinda

so like no more funny business okay you superhearing harlot

Wang Meng: LANGUAGE, LI CU. IN THIS HOUSE WE SHOW GOOD MANNERS.

Wang Pangzi: LMAO OH DO WE NOW

Zhang Qiling: Li Cu, this is all unnecessary and childish. Please apologize.

Li Cu: you say that now bruh but apparently you weren’t complaining when he was all “idol this” and “idol that”

oh and hey Wang Meng while we’re here can I show you my business class grade report later bc Wu Xie is all “what matters is that you learned and enjoyed the experience” blah blah all eat pray love you know how he gets and I want to actually discuss areas to improve so that when I take over this joint I do better than Wu Xie? Tho that shouldnt be hard lol

Wang Meng: hurtful but accurate. I’ll bring my best red pen:)

Liu Sang: oh my god. I’m too jetlagged to keep up with any of this.

Wang Pangzi: BEST. DAY. EVER. IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR HEI XIAZI.

Not A Homewrecker Chat, 11:52am

Liu Sang: Okay, we started off on the wrong foot.

Li Cu: I agree let’s start over

Start with how your little prank game almost got ppl killed

Liu Sang: And I seriously regret that. But we moved past that.

Wow, he seriously skipped over so much bullshit but didn’t skimp on mine, huh.

Li Cu: AHA so you ADMIT IT

Liu Sang: I’d like to think I’ve grown since then. That I’ve come to see Xiao Ge as a person and mentor, rather than an idol. I count Pangzi and Wu Xie as my close friends. I’m going to be staying here with them right now, I hope you can be okay with that.

Li Cu: see in my head you were going to be a lot less mature about it and I had a bunch of great follow-up insults planned

Liu Sang: I figured. I’d like us to be friends, though. Or at least not enemies.

Li Cu: okay but only bc you don’t know me yet so you won’t judge too much for this and I need to get this out to somebody I’ve been thinking about it for hours and my friends are still in finals and I’m stressing a little bit maybe

Liu Sang: ?

Li Cu: I yelled at dad

*Wu Xie sorry autocorrect

Liu Sang: …uh huh.

Li Cu: I yelled at him earlier. for keeping all that stuff from me. He started crying

Liu Sang: Wu Xie has been pretty emotional since we got back. Not necessarily your fault.

Li Cu: I made him cry right there at the kitchen sink and it felt like maybe the worst thing I’ve ever done

Snake venom and stabbings, no tears

Me saying I wouldn’t have gone to his funeral, all tears

Which I know was shitty to say but I was really mad

Liu Sang: If it’s any consolation, I think Wu Xie can understand the concept of being led by his emotions to make bad decisions…better than most people.

Li Cu: Xiao Ge came in then and looked weird

Like weirder than usual

Like he didn’t know which of us to be more mad at

Liu Sang: A common problem for the iron triangle, I understand.

Li Cu: I just ran out I didn’t have words right then and I feel stupid

but whenever they come back from their walk I’m gonna say sorry and stuff bc i could’ve come home to his funeral and I’m mad about it but also like. I could have come home to his funeral. I can get mean when I’m in a freakout mood. It’s not like I was scared or anything at all I don’t get scared really anymore ever but just like. Freaked out.

Liu Sang: He’s probably going to say sorry, too.

Li Cu: sorry I called you a homewrecker. Didn’t mean to slut-shame either

Liu Sang: I admit that after the initial shock, it was pretty funny. Super hearing harlot, it should be on my business card;)

Li Cu: this situation with Wu Xie is weird but kinda good ya know. And I have these freakouts sometimes that something maybe bad could happen to this situation. So consider this a shovel talk. But like, also not a shovel talk at the same time.

also I appreciate you saving his life and whatnot

Liu Sang: Noted. Now. Coffee?

Li Cu: sounds sick.

Be in the kitchen in 10. You can pick out what we watch for the household tv show tonight. no way is Wu Xie choosing some dry documentary about gravestone rubbings again. Pangzi just watches real housewives reruns and Xiao Ge won’t watch tv after he caught the last half hour of A Walk To Remember. Also i need my phone now to send some $ to Hei Xiazi since I owe him for…providing some intel

Liu Sang: Not even surprised.

#whomst #ultimate note #the lost tomb #wu xie #dmbj #pingxie

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