#what does the future hold anyway and where’s my motivation to grasp it? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

craomy · 3 years

Text

A Serendipitous Encounter Genshin Impact: Xiao x Reader (Fluff/Agnst)

Genshin Impact: Xiao x Reader (Fluff/Agnst)

AN: Xiao is one of my favorite characters and I’m really excited for him to appear in the 1.3 update. This is one of the ideas I’ve had in my head for a while, and after writing it all, I realized that this story is pretty lengthy, so please bear with me haha.

Please enjoy :)

Word count: 15,894

Trigger warning: There’s very descriptive writing of gore and mentions abuse.

-=+=-

Xiao wasn’t always known for being the Adeptus of Liyue. There was a time when the Yaksha wasn’t fulfilling orders from the oldest archon of Teyvat. A time where Morax had never appeared before him was when Xiao was suffering the hardships of endlessly slaughtering innocents, commanded by an evil archon. Although Xiao is around two thousand years old, he too had faced naivety and had blindly served as a puppet to perform cruel acts. With this, he had no solid foundation of what it truly takes to feel mortal emotion. Just what exactly did it mean to him? What could it all do to him?

✦

Red.

Xiao gazed upon the blood-soaked battlefield. The crimson colors of those he massacred was something he was very familiar with. Having felt no remorse nor any guilt of these deaths caused, everything felt nothing but natural to him.

“You are an evil being. With that being said, you must continue to slay all of them to demonstrate your power until you reach your full potential.” The archon would remind the young warrior constantly. Although Xiao had obediently listened to his archon, he couldn’t help but feel curious when brought to the question of what it meant to be... free.

Mindlessly killing another town, Xiao’s piercing gaze had shot daggers through a woman who had clung to the feet of the demon. With begging eyes, the elderly woman had desperately reached her hand to grab his robes, “Y-You poor soul.” as she then dropped to the floor. Xiao was continued to stare down the now lifeless corpse as he repeated the woman’s last words.

“Poor soul?” Xiao uttered slowly. Confused, he took a step back for himself and looked back up to the burning houses. Realizing that he was no longer in his demonic form, his gaze lowered from the destruction he had caused.

Did he really do all of this?

Since when has he been holding all of this adeptal power to himself?

“That’s right. You caused all of this.” A voice from behind stated.

Xiao turned around and had immediately knelt on one knee to bow to his puppeteer. The archon that stood before him had smirked, “Good. You’ve been so compliant with my requests, I just had to give you a lovely reward. More power.” he laughed as he awed at the marvelous sight in front of him. The disarray in the city along with the screams of innocents had brought nothing but music to the evil archon’s ears.

“Well done here. This is exactly what Teyvat needs. Soon, the other archons will have nothing against me. Having brought turmoil upon thousands really must be one of your specialties.” The archon turned his back on the young man. Xiao listened carefully to his archon’s next orders. “You know... I’ve been wondering about what your thoughts of these mortals are. With you killing them on my behalf, I ponder if you know what it means to understand their pain.” The archon went on, carefully eyeing how the demon would react to his words.

“They’re lowly beings of Teyvat. With no real intentions of their futures, they continue to slowly eat up everything they can get their hands on. They’re selfish humans that step on others to get what they want.” Xiao dutifully answered.

The archon was amused. He truly does learn well from what he had taught him.

“Well if that’s the case, there’s one last thing I’d like for you to do for me.” The evil archon turned back around to Xiao, grabbing Xiao’s chin to make direct eye contact with the demon’s amber orbs.

“I want you to learn what it means to love.” He ordered, making Xiao’s eyes widen slightly. “What? You mean the pathetic things those mortals do?” Xiao became befuddled. All this time, the evil archon he followed after instructed him to be wary of human emotions and to avoid them at all costs. Just exactly what made him think of such an absurd idea?

The crackles of the flames burned in the midst of the battlefield they stood in. The stench of blood was something Xiao was used to. Hearing the voices of humans pleading and begging for mercy was mundane. Looking at the mortals in the eye with his jade spear as they face death was what he was best at. To think that his last lesson is to... love?

“That’s right. I want you to find out what it’s like to love. There’s something great I must witness once you’ve achieved that, and it will all be a new experience for you to accomplish for me. Can you do that?” The evil archon let go of the young man’s face and stood tall before him.

Xiao must not question his archon’s intentions. With wincing eyes, he looked at the blood smeared grass with a pinch of doubt. This was nothing he wanted to take a part in, but if it means that this would be the last time to commit acts like this, then so be it.

“Your wish is my command.” He submissively answered.

✦

Some time had passed since the command of the evil archon. Xiao had been ruminating the words he’s been told and continued to think about what his true intentions might be. There was only one place where he can get his head out of the clouds and it was none other than the foundation of Plaustrite, the shrine that resided in the sky above Qingyun’s highest point.

Up there was the only place where he could feel...

What was the word?

The word “nothing” doesn’t quite fit what he was looking for.

Nevermind that. It won’t matter anyway.

As Xiao made his way up to his secret sanctuary, he made eye contact with dull (E/C) colored orbs. Liquid crept out of the young girl’s eyes as it dripped down her rosy cheeks. The way her (H/C) hair had been disheveled yet still perfectly framing her face was more than beautiful as it swayed in the gentle gusts of wind from above. The clothing she wore looked partially torn and shredded at the ends while remaining to compliment her beauty.

White.

She was wearing a pure white dress. A wedding dress, if Xiao could remember correctly. With the way she gazed back at the young adepti, Xiao recognized it as fear.

As expected. Many mortals would cower from his presence. But this time was different. His objective wasn’t to kill anymore.

“Worry not mortal. I’m not here to hurt you.” He stated with no ulterior motives behind his words.

The young girl that stood before him had felt tense but then sighed in relief.

“Thank goodness. You don’t look like one of the people he had sent.” The (H/C) haired girl had said out loud. Xiao had raised an eyebrow as he observed the mortal’s surprisingly calm features. What had she meant by that? Was she being chased?

The girl had taken another step back.

“I guess I can finally be free now.” She said with a solemn smile.

The young adepti didn’t understand her words.

Free?

The (H/C) haired girl had taken a decorative hair ornament out of her well-done braids and tossed it on the stone floors of the floating shrine. Xiao’s attention was still stuck on the alluring human in front of him. With the sun setting right behind her, Xiao’s eyes had suddenly darkened. His amber eyes widened at the realization of what this human was trying to do.

The young girl had taken a final step backward, feeling no more room for her to step on. Her graceful figure was something Xiao really couldn’t take his eyes off of now.

She...

She fell.

Xiao’s body had a its mind of its own now. Without even thinking, he leaped off of the edges of the Foundation of Plaustrite. His mind was racing as he took his plunge into the sky.

What the hell was that girl thinking?

At this height, she’s going to end up killing herself!

The adepti was in a race against time itself. It’ll only take mere seconds until the girl will face her inevitable death. White flowers that were woven in the girl’s dress had been falling out of place, but she paid no attention to it. In the midst of seeking out for her answer of freedom, she couldn’t help but think how peaceful it was to fall. The breeze had begun to feel harsh against her skin. The force around her began to pick up as she saw her teardrops flying past her.

At least now she’ll be free.

She shut her eyes, thinking that she could finally accept death.

...Or so she thought.

As the girl plummeted through the clouds, her eyes had widened when she saw the young man diving after her. Time felt like it had slowed down for both of them.

Xiao’s head must be playing with him. He really is risking his life right now for a mere mortal. Yet, something in his chest felt like if he didn’t do this, he would regret it. Perhaps it was because he’s never seen something colored so brightly. The color of white, that is.

What was the word that could describe it?

The young adepti had made his transformation in mid-air, his mask giving him enough power to increase his descending speed to match with the falling angel. That dark aura of his had been able to surround him into what many people of Liyue would think of as a monster. An indescribable beast that’s comparable to a demon itself, at that. Xiao had tightly grasped the girl’s waist with one arm, pulling her close to his chest.

The girl had blinked in astonishment. She was completely stunned. She examined the man that wore the intimidating mask that concealed his true facial expressions behind it.

“Hold on tight!” He commanded, his voice slightly corrupted as he could feel his demonic form consuming him. The girl had nodded, holding on tighter to the young demon. In Xiao’s other hand, he swiftly summoned his jade spear and his eyes darted to his surroundings.

By the time he scoped the environment, he couldn’t find any other way to make a soft landing for the human. They were both about to meet the ground if he doesn’t come up with an idea to stop their fall.

Xiao clicked his tongue, finding the situation to be quite irritating.

All because of this foolish mortal.

With his jade spear, he quickly began to make a straight plunge into the earth. His grasp around the girl’s waist became tighter. He had a slight twinge of concern in his body. Seeing the way she reacted to him wasn’t what he had expected. Will he be strong enough to absorb the impact? Will this even contribute to his mission? Seeing that she’s wearing a wedding dress, perhaps she has an idea of what “love” is.

Yes. This mortal will do.

Xiao was focusing his energy when all of a sudden he directed his attention towards the girl and had became confused once more.

She’s... crying?

A loud crash could be heard from a far distance. The young demon’s weapon had cracked deeply in the crust of Liyue’s grounds. The collateral damage of the both of them with the field could easily be mistaken for an earthquake. The sounds of crumbling dirt had rumbled around Xiao as he tightly held onto the young girl, holding her bridal style in his arms. He huffed, feeling a little bit dizzy from using his demonic form. It was almost like his health was slowly deteriorating.

Xiao stared intently at the remains of their fall. He couldn’t shake the thought that he had gone through so much trouble to save this suicidal girl.

The girl, on the other hand, couldn’t stop staring at the man who saved her.

She’s never felt such gentle hands until now. She’s never seen such a mysterious being before either. Surely no one could have saved her from that height, so what was he exactly? Instead of fearing this new type of unknown, she couldn’t help but feel comforted by it. Xiao’s aura began to diminish on its own. As Xiao’s huffing slowed down, his mask had crumbled away into the air.

The girl couldn’t break eye contact with the handsome demon. She couldn’t help but notice the splatters of blood on his cheek. Was it his own blood?

Slowly, yet hesitantly, she brought her warm hand to Xiao’s cheek. With her thumb, she gently removed the small streak of blood on his face.

This confused Xiao once more. With the young adepti’s pride, he turned away from the pitiful human’s soft hands. “Why aren’t you scared of me?” He asked in a harsh yet bewildered tone.

The girl hadn’t shown fear around him at all, which was something new to Xiao. Usually, they would run away or cry for mercy, but this human was different than the others.

After all of the hardships that the girl had gone through, she was able to catch a glimpse of familiarity in his eyes.

“You looked like you were hurting.” She answered honestly.

The man was taken aback once more.

Xiao dropped the girl in his arms. She landed on the ground with a thud, no longer stuck in a trance. Xiao turned his back on the girl, trying to think of what she had said.

Hurting?

He doesn’t have any external injuries. Right?

The (H/C) haired girl turned her head and saw the jade spear pierced through the ground. Her eyes darkened, remembering why she had wanted to end her life again. “I can use this instead,” she muttered, grabbing ahold of Xiao’s weapon, trying to pull it out on her own with her own strength. The black haired man with teal undertones put his hand over the girl’s smaller ones, his gaze hovering over the suicidal girl.

“Just what are you planning to do with that?” He looked down on the girl with a serious atmosphere. She made eye contact with the man who had saved her without flinching. “You mortals are more than fragile. Why in the world would you jump off of the highest point in Qingyun Peak?” He scoffed, wanting to find out her reasoning behind all of this.

Ignoring his question, she glared at the man in the eyes, “I want you to kill me. Put me to rest.” in which he clicked his tongue again in annoyance.

“Why do you constantly wish death upon yourself?” He inquired, attempting to put up with this stubborn girl.

“Because I want to be free.” She said so confidently.

What did she just say?

Xiao was more than curious now with this human. A young girl who wants to kill herself for freedom? Impossible.

He let out a sigh, picking up his jade spear with little to no effort. “Fine. I’ll kill you myself.” Xiao flipped his weapon from the ground and around his arms to point it straight back at the girl he had just rescued. The girl had stared straight towards the man as he pointed the sharp weapon towards her neck. She had not feared him at all whatsoever, which irked the demon a little bit. If anything, she was more than delighted to have an opportunity to be liberated from this terrible world.

She was ready to face death head-on.

This bothered Xiao.

“But before I kill you, tell me what they call you.” He said, referring to her name.

She closed her eyes, “They call me (Y/N). At least, that’s what I want to be referred as.” she complied, awaiting her eternal slumber. Xiao shook his head, withdrawing his spear and casting it in the air to disperse. No longer in his possession, he had other plans with this human.

“Well then, lowly (Y/N). I order you to teach me what it means to be human. You don’t seem to be having much to do, so to make the most use out of you, you will explain your human ways. Only then, I will grant your wish.” Xiao finalized his train of thoughts with those words. Standing his ground, he continued to watch this human’s reactions towards his demanding request.

(Y/N) had no other choice but to comply with him. At least she’s in a better position now if she can somehow be protected by this powerful deity. Maybe she did want to do one final thing before she goes off into the other side.

“Since you stopped my death from occurring, I suppose I have no other options... but there’s one thing I would like to do first.” (Y/N) said with certainty. She wiped her tear stained cheeks as she wore a strong front. As she slowly rose on her own, she couldn’t help but notice the man in front of him wore a very elegant attire. The man wore a white sleeveless shirt with a black collar, dark purple pants, and dark purple boots. He wore black and dark turquoise gloves with gold decals and a necklace that looked ancient. Around his left arm, he bears a white and gold sleeve with red linings. The man had worn an Anemo vision on his left glove. As for his physical features, he was quite good looking. His tattoos had no longer glowed brightly as it did before, and all that was left was his amber eyes piercing through (Y/N)’s entirety.

The young adepti will find this girl to be beneficial to his mission.

(Y/N) turned around and was about to lead the way until she spoke.

“Also... Thank you... for catching me.” She said loud and clear for Xiao to hear. Without a sound, he nodded, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to see his gesture as he slowly followed her from behind.

✦

The two of them didn’t make much conversation along the way. It seems that the adepti preferred to keep his distance from the young girl. (Y/N) has seen that look on his face before. It was the look of someone who has been strong enough to endure such sufferings. She wasn’t quite sure if she should be getting to know him, but as of now, she was able to make peace with his presence.

“We’re here.” She noted out loud.

Xiao had glanced around his surroundings. It was nothing but burnt down houses and crumbled ruins. Completely deserted and sullen, it had somehow brought peace to (Y/N). Curious as to why they’ve arrived to this wasteland of a town, he continued to put up his guard.

(Y/N) took a deep breath, “Everyone! I’m back home!” she hollered, a shout that could be echoed far off in the distance. Xiao raised his eyebrows once more as he crossed his arms, “Are you even hearing yourself? There’s no one here.” the man bluntly commented based on his observations.

The girl shook her head, “I’m sure there’s someone here. I have faith in my family.” she said with a hopeful look. He slowly nodded, letting her believe in what she wanted to.

Suddenly, a tiny head had popped up out of nowhere. One of the kids climbed out of the debris of a fallen house and had gasped out loud. The young child had quickly jumped out of her hiding spot and had begun tearing up. (Y/N) quickly bent down as she opened her arms out for the child to run into.

“(Y/N)! You came back!” The little girl cried out in disbelief as she tightly hugged the older girl. (Y/N) had embraced the child, holding her close to her chest while stroking the child’s hair. Her strong demeanor seemed to twinge a little bit as she felt a wave of relief wash over her. After she pulled back from the hug, she smiled back at the little girl, “Oh come on. You think I would leave you that easily? I wouldn’t do that to you.” she cooed, a lump in her throat building up.

The little girl stopped sniffing and had beamed brightly, “Everyone! It’s safe to come out now!” she exclaimed, loud and clear for everyone in the ruins to listen to.

All of a sudden, many kids began to pop out of their hiding spots. From each angle and corner from the collapsed houses, children ranging from many ages had leaped out of their spots to come and tackle (Y/N) with loving hugs.

“(Y/N)! Where have you been this entire time?!”

“You’re finally here..! We thought we would never see you again...”

“What about those bad guys that took you away? Where are they?! I’ll roughen them up if I have to!”

“Who cares about them? I’m just glad that our (Y/N) is back home!”

Xiao examined them all carefully. If he could remember, his puppeteer told him of something like this before.

That’s right.

This is what a heartfelt reunion is supposed to look like.

Xiao had stood on the side quietly as he watched unfamiliar facial expressions on the children. There were around twenty kids that had surrounded the (H/C) haired girl, happily welcoming her back home. What did (Y/N) possibly go through to find herself here? The adepti wondered what would have happened to these children if he hadn’t caught the falling angel. What would their reaction be?

Feeling a little tug on his sleeve, Xiao peered down at a little girl, no older than four, to be looking up at him. Not knowing what to do, he just stood there, staring back at the child playing around with his robe.

“(Y/N), who is that man standing right next to you?” One of the kids asked while pointing at the young demon. (Y/N) stood up with a child in her arms, “That man is... erm... His name is Xiao! He’s the one who rescued me from those bad guys.” The girl had quickly made up as the rest of the kids had gasped in wonder.

“What? Foolish human, I bear no title such as that. I am only a weapon of destruction and-”

“H-His name is Xiao! He was only pretending because you all like to play as pirates.” (Y/N) had laughed nervously as she walked up to the young man, “Please play along, they’re very innocent with no knowledge of what you’re talking about.” she had whispered, which made Xiao groan in annoyance.

How irritable.

“Fine. If that’s the case, then so be it. It is I, Xiao, the Mighty and Illuminated Adepti.” the man played along with a serious tone. To his surprise, all of the kids had gasped in amazement from what he had said. All of the children began to jump around him and ask him questions.

At first, (Y/N) thought of him to be a very cold-hearted person, but after seeing him interacting with the kids, maybe he wasn’t so bad.

“Wow your dress is very elegant! You look like you’re about to get married!” A little girl pointed out, amazed by how splendid (Y/N) had looked. “Who are you marrying? If it’s that mean looking guy over there, I’ll beat him up!” A little boy screamed as he ran over to Xiao and softly punched his leg.

This disgusted Xiao. Oh how much he wanted to kill this child right here and right now for thinking he had the right to insult him with such an act. His dark aura began to surround him until he looked back at the (H/C) haired girl. The kids must be very important to (Y/N) if the last thing she wanted to do was to see them.

Putting his pride to the side, he took a deep breath and looked down on the young boy that punched his leg. Instead of brutally injuring the boy in front of him, he walked and stood next to the young bride that took care of all of the kids.

“That is correct. She’s marrying me.” He said with seriousness laced in his voice.

(Y/N) had blushed, becoming flustered. “W-What are you saying?? Xiao, I am not-”

“She is. I brought her back here safe and sound. You mere mortals should be thanking me for sparing her.” Xiao stated, wrapping one arm around the girl’s waist.

(Y/N) flushed red, shocked at what this man was saying. He has to be out of his mind.

The boy that initiated the punch towards Xiao had his mouth dropped wide. Xiao sent a smug look at the child, claiming victory in his head. If he couldn’t win against him by making him succumb to death, then he will win by claiming (Y/N) as his own.

All in all, the kids had a lot of fun messing around with the young adepti, and (Y/N) was glad to be back.

✦

After tucking all of the kids into their ragged sleeping bags, (Y/N) was able to loosen up from her stress bit by bit. Xiao continued to watch her as she went to tend to her things. The young girl would get up and hum the children to sleep, while some she had talked to them and reassured that she was fine. The boy that had punched Xiao earlier came up to (Y/N) and tugged on her dress a little bit to gain her attention.

“Yes, what is it, Caihong?” the (H/C) haired girl smiled ever so gently towards the young boy. “Could you fix up my arm for me? The wound started to open up again.” he quietly murmured. (Y/N)’s (E/C) eyes widened slightly as she saw the size of the cut on his arm. This looked like a cut of a sword.

“Who did this to you?” she asked in concern.

“One of the bad guys,” Caihong quietly said. “but I didn’t lose! I scared them off so that they wouldn’t come to our hideout.”

Xiao watched intently as he leaned against the stone wall. Without any comment, he continued to stare and observe what mortals do in their conversations.

(Y/N) sat the boy down on a chair and had plucked a translucent white flower from her ragged wedding dress. The scent it radiated was... pleasant to Xiao’s senses.

“What flower is that?” Xiao had inquired, aweing how it bloomed on its own. (Y/N) looked up at his direction and down to the lovely flower in her hands. “Ah, this is the Qingxin flower. It grows on only the highest peaks of Liyue and can serve as a remedy for some injuries.” the girl answered, giving Xiao one for himself to keep.

He took the offering and twiddled it by the stem. Curious, he brought it up to his nose to take a sniff of it. Its fragrance was nothing like the stench of blood. This scent was certainly heavenly.

After (Y/N) had finished taking care of Caihong, she tucked him in one of the only sleeping bags they had and sat down next to Xiao. The distance between them was enough for him to be comfortable. (Y/N) stretched her arms and had leaned her back against the stone wall with the adepti right by her side.

“Sorry for all of the commotion earlier. These kids aren’t in the best condition, but seeing them smile is enough for me to get by.” (Y/N) apologized with a peaceful smile.

“Where are their parents?” He inquired, wanting to know the bits and information to this mortal’s story.

(Y/N) turned away from Xiao, looking up to the sky above them. “They’ve fought and died bravely in the wars they partake in. Some of the children have been abandoned or found injured when I walk around the ruins. Kids of war need a happier childhood, so I decided to be the one to look after them. As the oldest orphan, I felt like I had a duty to fulfill.” She shifted her head to look back at the young adepti.

“I’m sure you must have a duty to fulfill, right?” She grinned warmly towards the young man. He stopped making eye contact with her and looked at his hands, reimagining if it was him on a battlefield. He thought about the mission his evil archon ordered him to go on about and thought about how he had always served as his god’s weapon.

Knowing that (Y/N) might be frightened if he told her what he did in the past, he answered her question with a nod. It felt a little bit conflicting for him to be around these abandoned kids when it’s most likely Xiao to be the one that annihilated those children’s parents. All of the orders he had received during war-- he had to fulfill them all. Even if it meant bloodshed among innocents.

(Y/N) could only admire how the night sky had glistened above them. “The sky looks better here when I’m at home,” she commented, resting her head against the wall.

Xiao looked around and could only see what meets the eye. “This place is a dump. This is not a proper place to call a home.” He bluntly stated. (Y/N) could see what he was getting at, but shook her head.

“Sure, this place looks terrible, but it’s those who reside in the place that can make it a home. Home could mean a peaceful and quiet place where you can happily live in. It’s somewhere that you know you can come back to, feeling cared for, respected, and loved.” She passionately spoke with fire in her eyes. That strong determination that shined in her (E/C) eyes was nothing like before. The time that he had rescued her from falling to her death, her eyes looked like they were filled with anguish.

Xiao tried to remember if there was ever a time if he felt what a “home” was.

“I’ve never had a home before. Someone like me doesn’t deserve a place like that.” Xiao had closed his eyes while folding his arms. (Y/N) looked back at the young adepti with serious eyes, “That’s nonsense! Of course, you deserve a place like that. Everyone deserves to be loved.” she retorted, unconsciously holding onto both of Xiao’s hands.

A part of him had made him defensive, a bit startled from the sudden contact. Nothing fails to surprise him, at this point. This (Y/N) girl was full of surprises.

“Exactly what is that word? What is ‘love’?” Xiao thought out loud for her to hear.

She looked a bit confused. Does this man really not know what love is?

“Well... love is when you cherish something so dearly. It’s when you have a special connection between you and another person. When you become so used to that, it’s like something you feel like you have to protect no matter the cost.” (Y/N) answered without a doubt.

That concept was nothing but foreign to the young demon.

“I don’t recognize it as a need.” He said straightforwardly.

She tightened her grip on his hands slightly, “One day,” she started. Xiao looked up to meet his eyes with the bold girl in front of him, “you’ll suddenly realize it. I’m sure of it. Everyone gets to feel it in some way. Once you do, I’m sure you’ll realize that it’s a very powerful feeling.” (Y/N) brought his hands to her head. It almost looks like she was trying to pray for him to find this peculiar light that he couldn’t see.

Xiao slowly nodded, still trying to get used to the human emotions that she constantly radiates. Maybe from now on, he’ll really try to understand her. Xiao looked back down, his hands enveloped in an unfamiliar warmth. He slowly pulled away from her hands and given her one of the blankets, putting it over her shoulders.

(Y/N) blinked in confusion, watching him walk away. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“I’m going to keep a lookout for you. Get some rest so you can continue looking after the children in the morning.” Xiao stated, summoning his spear out of thin air and piercing it in the floor. He stood his ground as he looked beyond the fields. (Y/N) smiled, wrapping the blanket around her even more.

How considerate...

“Thank you, Xiao.” she quietly whispered, finding herself to fall asleep in no time.

The young man’s ear twitched, hearing the name that she had given him. Not even the evil archon of his had given him a name. He looked back up at the night sky, holding onto the Qingxin flower that (Y/N) had given to him.

“Xiao, huh?” he repeated the name out loud.

That (Y/N) girl had been nothing but trouble to him and yet, a part of him wanted to thank her for giving him something that no one had ever done before.

✦

A couple of weeks went on as Xiao continued to stay by (Y/N)’s side. When he wasn’t around her, he would practice fighting with his spear outside. Some of the kids would watch him as he perfected his fighting stances and his attacks. In the beginning, Xiao could only feel stiff around the little kids running around him. He knew that he was a very powerful entity and a part of him didn’t really want to hurt this group of young mortals.

Sure, he was definitely cold towards the children in the beginning, but after hearing what (Y/N) had to say about them, he tried to understand them more. (Y/N) couldn’t help but feel grateful for him to be around her. Something about him made him much different than the other men who had tried to interact with the young beauty. Then at night times, Xiao would spend his time listening to the lonely girl and would ask her questions about what it meant to live as a human.

Xiao concentrated on his attacks while he continued to think about the past conversations he’s had with (Y/N).

“Happiness is vital to everyone. It’s something you can obtain in various ways, but in the end, it’s like a feeling you have when you sit back at the end of the day and remember those fond memories.”

“Sadness is when you feel a part of your heart missing something. Usually, it’s a reaction to something, for instance, a painful event. Eventually, that something fades away and becomes a memory. When that happens, you can’t help but miss that something that’s now unobtainable. It’s natural for everyone to go through it.”

“Loss? Well... Loss is when you realize that something you loved is no longer with you. It’s something irreplaceable and you’ll find yourself grieving over it for a long while.”

“Marriage? Well... I think it’s supposed to be something that brings you joy. You make a special connection with someone in a way that no one else can, and they can always be the one to be there for you. It’s where unconditional love begins to sprout and you realize you’d want to spend the rest of your life with that person.”

Xiao paused, stopping his spear in mid-air to remember something (Y/N) had said last night.

“It was horrible. A group of bandits were threatening my family. At first, I didn’t know what to do, but then I remembered something very important.” She spoke while walking alongside Xiao by the shore. Xiao stopped walking as he continued listening to the (H/C) haired girl.

“I remembered that I had a home. It wasn’t the best home that other people could think of, but I knew deep down that all of those kids needed me. They’re the ones that I love and I... I wanted to keep that. I wanted to protect them all from the dangerous world. So with that... I... I let the bandits kidnap me and sell me as a slave.” She smiled, but it was a different type of smile. It was a very somber smile.

Xiao was trying to register the emotions that he was feeling. He watched as she continued to keep up a brave front and as she continued to tell her story. “One of the noblemen in Liyue had passed by the slave carriage and had purchased me with his filthy mora. I was sold as a slave and this group of men began to... hurt me... in different ways. One day, one of the men had ridiculed my family and I became... very furious. There was no other way to escape but I continued to throw the rest of my words at him. It was all I had left to fight with. That’s when he decided to...” the girl had found it difficult to continue talking.

In the middle of her words, she couldn’t help but cry.

It was a very natural thing for humans to do.

Right there, she cried in front of Xiao, slowly losing the energy to stand up and just sat down with her knees to her chest.

“I can’t forget the pain they’ve caused me. I’ve gone through so much abuse that I’ve forgotten what all of the other emotions felt like. It’s been so long since I had seen daylight, and by the time I was able to see the sky, it was on my wedding day...” She wept softly, her voice cracking. Xiao bent down, not knowing what to do.

“I did what I had to do to escape. I had to poison him. Then in that very moment, I fled the ceremony. I ran as fast as I could to escape and I climbed further than I thought was humanly possible. In the end, I was able to reach the highest point of all of Liyue in the floating shrine above Qingyun Peak and right there... I found only peace. The world felt still at that moment. I couldn’t hear anything and couldn’t find the energy to think about the hardships I had overcome. If I had died then and there, it would have granted my selfish wish.” (Y/N) sniffed, burying her tears against her sleeves.

So this was the freedom she was talking about on the first day that they met.

Again, Xiao’s body begun to move on its own. He had slowly wrapped his arms around the shaking girl. She looked like she could shatter so easily. Someone so frail, yet someone so strong. A mortal that could continue fighting on, managing to survive after all of that. Xiao felt his heart beating a little bit faster once he made contact with the crying girl. If he could look in his reflection, what kind of face would he be making right now?

“Everything... will be alright. I’m right here for you.” He quietly murmured, digging his face into her neck as he embraced her completely. (Y/N) had been strong enough. She slowly brought her arms up to Xiao and hugged back.

Her (E/C) colored eyes shimmered as she tightened her hold. Her mouth quivered, then she felt her breath draw disoriented.

She bawled. Almost like a newborn baby. She shed many tears, it would be enough to fill a river. She clung to Xiao like it was the last thing she could ever hold. Xiao was enveloped in her warmth. This was different than him holding onto her when she was falling in the air. Now the time they’ve spent together had felt more special than before. He was a man of very few words, but his actions can tell a whole story. The young adepti comforted the (H/C) haired girl, not knowing what this emotion was in his chest.

“I’ll protect you, (Y/N). I won’t let those bastards lay a hand on you anymore.” Xiao promised, his heart tightening when hearing the girl weep. Hearing that some awful humans could do this to an angelic person had made him swear vengeance. He wanted to protect her. He wanted to wipe away her tears and hold her in his arms. He wanted to cherish her and make her smile.

He wanted to love her.

He wanted to be the one to make sure that she received all of the love she deserved. Xiao pulled away, missing the Qingxin fragrance she radiated. He looked at her with determined eyes, kneeling on one knee and one Qingxin flower on the other.

“(Y/N)... I swear that I’ll protect you. I’ll curse anyone who dares to stand in your way.” He spoke with conviction. Xiao has never knelt down to a mortal before. He knew exactly what the repercussions would be if he betrays his loyalty for his archon.

Xiao didn’t care anymore.

He wanted to be with (Y/N).

“(Y/N)... I--”

“Xiaooo? Are you there?” Caihong hollered, standing in front of Xiao. The young man had snapped his head out of the clouds. He looked down to see the little handful of a child looking at him ever so daringly. Out of all of the kids, he was the only one that was brave enough to mess with him.

“What is it, boy?” Xiao questioned as he stabbed his spear to the side, causing it to disappear in thin air. Caihong still awed in amazement from a very strange sight, but then shook his head. “(Y/N) wanted me to tell you that she needed some more Qingxin flowers to treat the injured kids she found. Since she has a lot of things to do, she was wondering if you could collect some for her.” Caihong told the young adepti his orders from (Y/N).

His eyes softened when he mentioned her name.

(Y/N)...

He looked into the distance where he could see (Y/N) taking care of the young ones. She grinned cheerfully towards the children, then making eye contact with Xiao. To think that she was the same girl that had broken down in his arms that very night...

(Y/N) is stronger than she looks.

Xiao smiled.

Caihong couldn’t believe his eyes. The stern and serious man was able to smile??

“Xiao! You’re smiling!” Caihong shouted in disbelief. Were his eyes deceiving him? The young demon had stopped staring at (Y/N) and ruffled the boy’s hair. “I’m not smiling. Your eyes are deceiving you.” He spoke, denying that he was able to make such a facial expression.

“Oi! Don’t ignore me and pretend that I’m not here! Let go of my hair!” He cried out, shooing the adepti’s hands away from his head. The boy has never seen Xiao like this before. Perhaps a grumpy guy like Xiao really did need someone as bright as (Y/N). Caihong’s eyes lit up, remembering something important. “Oh yeah! (Y/N) said that she has something important to tell you tonight! I think she’s going to prepare her special almond tofu dish for you!” He happily exclaimed.

Xiao nodded, wondering what that would taste like. Well, if it’s anything that (Y/N) prepares, he’ll have no choice but to like it.

Maybe this is what happiness felt like.

In the past, Xiao wasn’t allowed to imagine things. The evil archon forbade it. Pondering and creating scenarios in his head wasn’t something he couldn’t do often, but he couldn’t help but think of her.

He thought about what the girl had said about marriage. Would she be happy if he said he wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life with her?

As he made his way to get prepared to collect Qingxin flowers, he couldn’t help smiling to himself the entire way.

✦

Qingxin flowers can be found at any high point in the lands of Liyue. Xiao had no trouble leaping towards high spots in the air. For once, he had enabled his demonic form for something that wouldn’t cause bloodshed. He allowed his demonic form to make him lighter as he continued to collect the translucent white flowers that blossomed at his touch. Although he had felt a little bit of pain from maintaining this form, he knew that (Y/N) would be back at home to take care of him again.

With (Y/N)’s contrasting approach to life, the world seemed to become a bit... brighter. Xiao no longer drowned out all of the sounds to his ears as he did on the battlefield. For once, he allowed himself to hear the chirps of the birds and watch cranes fly above peacefully.

Yes, yes! That was the word!

Peace.

He was able to find peace.

It was all because of (Y/N). He was able to allow more room for growth. She let him realize that maybe a part of him really was human. Xiao had held the Qingxin flowers tighter, thinking about the very significant mortal he looked after every day. Maybe he should get something special for her today.

He couldn’t get the thought of her out of her head. Especially after last night.

How could he tell her how he felt?

The way she makes him feel warm was different than any ordinary blaze.

The way she tells him with determined eyes that even he deserves a home.

The way that she somehow got the children to enjoy his company and make him feel like there are more things in life worth protecting.

The way she smiles so fearlessly in the face of danger.

He wanted to protect it all.

He wanted to protect her.

“Enjoying yourself?” a voice came from behind.

Xiao immediately dropped everything he was holding and withdrawn his jade spear in an instant. He pointed his weapon at the voice, only to realize that it was the evil archon himself. The young demon took a step back, “What are you doing here?” he spoke with a contentious tone.

This archon right here... Xiao never noticed this before, but he could feel the heinous aura that filled the atmosphere. Something about this random encounter with his puppeteer felt sinister.

“I’m just here to observe your journey. I’ve watched you from afar and seen you acting abnormally. Have you perhaps fallen in love yet?” The archon inquired, leaning in to detect if the young demon would react in any way. At the moment, Xiao was a bit hesitant to answer his question. If anything, he began to question why he continued to obey this archon’s evildoings. What if something he said would bring danger to (Y/N)?

If he says yes, the archon might be able to let him go and free him of his duties. No. That’s just him trying to be optimistic. There’s a high chance that the archon could use that as leverage against him as well.

“No. I have not.” Xiao answered, glaring with threatening eyes.

The evil archon chuckled, “Is that so?” as he began to burst out in laughter.

Xiao was a bit unnerved from hearing the evil archon laughing hysterically. Looking for a way out, he grabbed the flowers that he had been collecting when all of a sudden he felt a stinging pain in his abdomen. Xiao choked out blood, feeling his body being pushed against the grass. His jade spear was summoned without his permission and had been pierced through his body.

“Liar.”

The black haired man remembered this pain as he winced at the sharp object that’s causing his crimson blood to spill out of his stomach. He hissed at the discomfort the wound is giving him and he raised his head, daring to look at the archon in the eyes.

“Oh my. I knew this was a good idea from the start but I didn’t think it would turn out this good.” The archon brought his hand to pull up Xiao’s chin.

“You love that girl, don’t you?”

Xiao’s amber eyes widened in realization. He knew where this was going.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” He shouted with anger seething out of his attitude.

The evil archon smirked at his puppet. “Don’t worry. I won’t lay a hand on her,” he chuckled, looking down at the young demon that was beneath his feet. “but I know they will.”

Xiao writhed under the pressure of his spear that pierced him. He needed to escape. He needed to get out. He needed to go to her.

“My my! What has gotten into you, my puppet? Since when did you start to think about the lives of mortals that you’ve been slaying this entire time? What makes her different from the rest, hmm?”

“She shows no mortal arrogation! She’s not selfish nor filthy like the others!” He retorted with conviction in his voice.

“Who gave you the right to feel this way? Think about it. After all of the times you’ve slaughtered those innocent people, you’re nothing but a murderer.”

“You ordered me to do it! I had no other choice but to obey!”

“You had free will, did you not? At any time, you could have easily stopped your killings and put an end to everything yourself. It’s all your fault. You did this to yourself.”

“You’re wrong!”

“So are you saying that you’re right?”

Xiao paused, refusing to show his face to his archon.

“I’m saying that you’re quite adept at manipulating people. It doesn’t matter what you think of me. I know that (Y/N) will still be by my side.”

“How can you be so sure? Have you even told her what you’ve done to the parents of the children she’s taking care of? Do you think that she’ll just accept you because in the end, you found a way to hide your past instead of confronting her about it? Of course not. She’s a human, and you’re a demon. You two are nothing alike, and because of that, you’ll never find a way to truly be close to her. You’re an atrocious monstrosity.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re delusional, boy. There��s nowhere else for you to go where anyone can accept you. Once that girl, (Y/N), catches the wind of the truth, it’s over for you.”

The evil archon stepped off of the adepti, causing Xiao to gasp for air. He was slowly weakening. His fingertips touched the liquid that protruded out of his stomach.

Damn it. His weapon was laced with poison.

Xiao felt helpless as he laid on the grass on top of the mountain. All ounces of energy he had was now depleting at a fast rate. Out of frustration, he took a handful of Qingxin flowers and clenched it to his stomach.

“Ah, this is the Qingxin flower. It grows on only the highest peaks of Liyue and can serve as a remedy for some injuries.”

Xiao could remember her words as if it was yesterday.

(Y/N)...

Black dots danced around his vision as the last thing he saw in his sight was the smirk of the evil archon. After his final attempt to fight against the poison, his body had refused to keep up with him, causing him to lose consciousness.

✦

Bit by bit, Xiao’s eyes opened up. For once in his lifetime, he had dreamt a dream. He squinted, trying to see if he was seeing correctly. The gaping hole in his stomach was no longer there. Bloodstains remained in his clothing as proof of his encounter with the evil archon.

Xiao urgently got up from his fallen state and could see the sun fall setting in its place. His fists clenched the Qingxin flower that had once prospered greatly on its own. Its white color was tainted, no longer pure. Crimson smeared the edges of the petals as it slowly wilted.

Was he regenerating faster because he had more power?

Nevermind that. Xiao couldn’t afford to lose another second. Who knows what could have happened to (Y/N) during the time that the young demon had been passed out. He was quick with his feet, leaping off of the summit of the mountain with the thoughts of the (H/C) haired girl filling his thoughts.

He clenched his teeth.

He should have known that the evil archon was merely using him.

If it weren’t for (Y/N) to guide him to his morals, he definitely would not be where he was right now.

Xiao felt his stomach twisting. This time, he was able to distinguish it as an emotion. It wasn’t a physical pain caused on the outside, but the unsettling feeling that lets him know that something is wrong.

His instinct was more than correct.

In the distance, he could already see smoke releasing into the air. Combustions and explosions can be heard, along with very familiar cries that he has heard before.

“Kids of war need a happier childhood, so I decided to be the one to look after them. As the oldest orphan, I felt like I had a duty to fulfill.”

No.

Xiao used his lemniscatic wind cycling to lunge forward in mid-air, then proceeding to dive down and make an impact with the ground. He shifted his eyes hastily, many bodies of children to be mercilessly killed. The kids that he had surrounded himself with during his time with (Y/N) were all slaughtered. She cared for them. She put her time and energy spending it all on the young ones rather than looking after her health. Xiao’s grip tightened around his polearm.

“Loss? Well... Loss is when you realize that something you loved is no longer with you.”

He clenched onto the hem of his robe.

“It’s something irreplaceable and you’ll find yourself grieving over it for a long while.”

Xiao had quickly sifted through the debris of the broken down house. The blazes had raged, mocking the young demon in a taunting way. Bits of ash had already flaked through the air. The pyre had devoured his line of sight.

“Well... love is when you cherish something so dearly. It’s when you have a special connection between you and another person.”

His breathing had stopped. This can’t be.

“When you become so used to that, it’s like something you feel like you have to protect it no matter the cost.”

His blood ran cold. He felt asphyxiated.

(Y/N) was dead.

(Y/N) WAS DEAD.

A nobleman had walked into view, smirking as he saw a leftover orphan who he assumed was the last one they were looking for. “Hey, boys! We missed one right here.” The man with blood splattered across his rich attire spoke with arrogance. “That bitch should’ve realized who she was messing with when she poisoned me during the ceremony. I guess that’s just what happens when you buy a cheap slut in the market. Let’s finish this last one up and then drinks are on me.” The man had blurted with cockiness. The nobleman pulled his sword out of a lifeless boy’s body, kicking it towards Xiao like a ragdoll. It was... Caihong.

The young man’s breathing had hitched.

He felt his ears ringing.

His hair covered his glowing amber eyes as he stared at (Y/N)’s lifeless body.

Xiao went numb.

His heartbeat was the only thing he could hear and it was hammering against his ribcage like it was about to burst.

“What’s death? Well... death is what makes life worth living. It tells us that we have a certain timeframe to do everything we ever wanted to accomplish. It’s inevitable, and in some cases, different forms of life end sooner than expected. Most often, we lose someone we love so much during the process, making us feel all sorts of emotions. That’s just what makes us human.” (Y/N) had beamed, looking at the vast sky. She turned to lean her head on Xiao’s shoulder.

“Especially you, Xiao. You might not know yourself very well, but I can just tell.” She hummed in delight.

Xiao cocked his eyebrow, “What does that mean?” he asked with a puzzled look.

(Y/N) smiled into his shoulder, catching him off guard once more.

“You’re human. Just like me.”

A monstrous gust of wind had discharged where the adepti once stood. Xiao’s demonic form had materialized in a blink of an eye. The men that had terrorized his home had been knocked off their feet, meeting an intense force that propelled their bodies against the dirt of Teyvat. With their confusion, they tried to see where the assault came from and had realized that the young man that stood before him was a force that should not be reckoned with.

Xiao had flashed past the group of men, rapidly puncturing his spear between all of their hamstring muscles behind their knees, ensuring that none of them could ever walk again. Many of them writhed in agony from the jade spear that had still been laced with poison.

“What the hell was that?!”

“My legs! I can’t get up!”

The young demon had swiftly teleported behind the largest guy in the group and had grabbed a hold of his entire face with his gloved hands. Xiao then proceeded to bring his spear to pierce the center of his neck. Crimson liquid had spewed and sprayed from the bandit’s neck as he gargled on his own blood. Still seeing that he was alive and conscious, Xiao demonstrated his inhuman strength by lifting the man’s body and tossing it up in the sky. Violence plagued his mind as he lacerated the man with thousands of cuts in a single second, the demon maneuvering perfectly in the air before dismembering the man entirely. As the body parts separated, the large clots of blood had sprinkled the atmosphere like rain.

Finally, Xiao teleports right above the mutilated masterpiece as he spiraled down towards the ground, erupting a treacherous impact that would inflict true agony. Not only was the man pierced by Xiao’s jaded spear, but he was also spiked by the shadow fragments of all of the times he’s ruthlessly murdered other polearm users.

This was no force to be going up against.

This is true fear.

With this mask, Xiao remembered just why he had detested mortals so much.

“No! Stop! It hurts!” One of the men begged for mercy as Xiao had just begun. He dashed towards the bandit and coiled into a form of wind, opening up his stomach with a clean cut. The black haired man with teal undertones teleported behind the man, bending his arm in an unnatural way until it snapped. The audible crunch could be heard by everyone there, allowing them to freely imagine what their doom would be like. The man coughed in his own blood, but that didn’t stop Xiao from holding his arms from behind his back and kicking the back of the bandit’s torso. Choking in blood, the bandit couldn’t scream for help as his organs helplessly collapsed out of his body. Dumping the body to the side, he heavily breathed in and out.

This was a different type of hatred that resided within his entirety.

The animosity that radiated through the adepti’s mask was evident as it glowed darkly. One by one, Xiao had performed cruel acts towards the sinners that wreaked havoc on his home. Whether it was plucking their eyes out or bashing all of their bones, Xiao couldn’t find a resolution to his resentment.

All that was left was the nobleman that had forced (Y/N) into an arranged marriage. The thought of such filth laying even a finger on his (Y/N) was more than enough to greet the tip of his spear. Xiao looked down at the mortal that cowered beneath him. Emotions are fickle in the face of danger.

“Stop don’t do this! I can pay you ten times the price I paid for that slave! I can give all of the mora you ever want! Please just spare me!” The prideless man begged as he couldn’t feel his legs at all. Xiao stepped on the man’s torso, his piercing amber gaze had been strong enough alone to silence the sinner. The demon’s dark aura increased as Xiao collected his distributed rage into his jade spear.

“Your mora can’t even compare to (Y/N). Not even in the slightest.” Xiao’s spear was enchanting as it collected stacks of power from the built up anger. The adepti stomped on one of the nobleman’s kneecaps, an audible crunch filling the air. He screamed at the top of his lungs, feeling the excruciating pain throughout his entire body. Xiao wanted to make his death as long as possible. Even if the man were to pass out, the demon could slip some of his corrupted aura into his bloodstream to ensure he stays awake.

The young man grabbed a hold of the nobleman’s wrist, shattering the bones in his arm completely. Another defenseless howl erupted from the shameless man. Xiao remembered (Y/N) saying that they had hurt her in various ways, even those that she couldn’t bring herself to say. The thought of the group of bandits exploiting the pure girl had driven him to the brink of no return.

“You won’t be needing these anymore.” The man wailed in agony as Xiao dislocated the joints in the nobleman’s fingers. With his spear, he had begun cutting off each and every finger of his at an antagonizing pace. His screams weren’t enough to satisfy him.

Xiao ripped off the man’s arm in one effortless pull.

Another scream.

The demon looked down at the human in disgust. Why were so many mortals so repulsive? The jade spear he had was stabbed in the man’s chest, but not all the way. He made an incision that was thin enough for Xiao to open up the skin of the man’s torso. Without any hesitation, the adepti bent open the nobleman’s ribcage in the most unnatural way.

“Please... s..stop.” The bandit pleaded.

“You didn’t stop when she told you to. Hypocrites like you must rot.”

The polearm user gutted out the rest of the organs that were left in the man’s body.

“You deserve this.”

He punctured one of the man’s eyes with one of his thumbs.

“You don’t have the right to live.”

Xiao clenched his teeth, going back to think about (Y/N).

Seeing her lifeless body near one of the burning houses. It... It evoked true calamity from the young adepti.

“You took her away from me.”

Xiao summoned his charged spear from thin air. The nobleman was disfigured already. His body was beyond recognition after what Xiao had done to him. Yet, it still wasn’t enough.

The young adepti clenched onto his jade spear, “N̶̻̽ő̸̘̠w̸̗̖͗ ̴̲̓I̴̝̓’̸̗̭̾̽m̵̩̤͠ ̸̺͒͜g̷̛̳͍̈́o̵̮͒i̴͉̕͘n̶͎͗g̸̦̺̀̂ ̶͔̫͛t̷̯̓͊o̵̻̽̓ ̷̹͖͌̕t̴͍̚a̸͙͝k̵̯͝ẹ̶̒ ̷͕̈̏ė̸̜͜͝v̸͕̲̆ế̶͚̪ŕ̸̢͕ỳ̷̺t̸̥̆h̴̹̠͌̇ḯ̵̫̙n̶̜̉g̵͙̮̋̏ ̴̧͈́̂ȧ̸̬̗w̵̤͇̄á̵̺̣ŷ̵̢͘ ̴̞̂͌ͅf̷͎͐r̶͉͕̈́o̸͙͠m̷̖͚̿ ̴̯͓̈̉ỳ̶͖̂o̴̬̾u̴̖̔͝,̸̢̐͘ ̶̹̏s̷̜̑̀ţ̷̌a̸̯̽̂r̸̗̄͝ṭ̷̈́͠ḭ̴͆n̸̘̈́g̶̭͂ ̵̦̱͋̚w̷̺̉į̷̻̾̅t̴̜̿̇h̶̞͖̍ ̴̜͇͐̚ỵ̶̓o̴̥̗̿͐ụ̴́r̶̖͂͂ ̸̬͊̊d̶̙̬͌̕r̴̮̒̕e̸͜͝ͅa̷̲̓m̴̻͆s̶̲̐” he growled with bitterness. The polearm user slowly hunched over the mangled human, preparing to remove his mask to begin devouring the man’s dreams when all of a sudden he heard something in the distance.

All movement stopped.

Xiao heard someone calling out his name.

Snapped out of his bloodthirsty trance, he pulled his head up.

“(Y/N)?”

He paused, stalling the death of (Y/N)’s capturer. He couldn’t tell if he was hallucinating or not.

“Xiao!”

The young man dropped everything he was doing. That filth is going to die anyway. The most important thing right now is trying to look for (Y/N). He stood up from the bloodied body and had staggered towards the direction the (H/C) haired girl was.

He felt his rage settling down as he began to search for that gentle voice. The soothing hums of (Y/N) could be heard from behind one of the stone pillars that had collapsed next to the body of the young girl.

Xiao rushed towards (Y/N)’s body. He pulled her into his embrace, trying to see if he could get any reaction. Something. Anything that could tell him that she was alive. A part of him wished that he could feel her arms rise up and hug him back.

He pulled away and slowly checked her heart by lowering his ear against her chest. The anticipation for the young adepti was torture. Time moved slowly as he sharpened his hearing.

One second passed.

Xiao’s grip on the girl grew tighter.

Two seconds passed.

He felt the world crumbling beneath his feet.

Three seconds passed.

“Please...”

Four seconds passed.

Xiao lifted his head from her chest and stared at her soft features. She still looked gorgeous. It was like he was seeing the girl again for the first time. On the day that he fell for her, he didn’t realize he would fall this hard.

He froze in place.

There was a subtle movement in her fingertips. Xiao’s amber eyes had shone light in itself once more. The (H/C) haired girl let out a cough, slowly shifting out of place. “X...Xi..ao..?” she weakly whispered with wincing eyes. The gash on her head was a very dangerous cut. The adepti felt alleviated. Relief washed over him as he held the girl tightly while burying his face into her soft (H/C) hair. The girl couldn’t see very well, but she could never mistake Xiao for anyone else. Slowly her frail arms wrapped themselves around Xiao’s body.

“Welcome home.” She whispered shakily with little strength behind her voice.

Xiao didn’t know how to express how grateful he was to see her still alive. He had thought that he had lost all hope. “I’m home, (Y/N). I’m back at home...” He sniffed, not realizing that he had been tearing up this entire time. (Y/N)’s eyes couldn’t properly see it, but she could feel that his heart was aching.

She brought her thumb to his cheek, wiping the tear that threatened to spill on his face. Something in his chest had felt like it was suffocating him as he saw (Y/N) in this current state.

Xiao’s heart... hurt. She did the same exact motion on his cheek when they first met.

Hurt?

How many times has he finally discovered the words behind the meaningful things he couldn’t describe today?

So this is what she meant by he was hurting. All of a sudden, Xiao was able to understand everything now. He was able to feel his emotions. Him of all people. The demon slayer that slaughtered innocents. All of the burdens he didn’t realize he had on his back had suddenly begun to tumble onto him.

This was very painful to watch.

(Y/N) was dying in front of him.

He knew exactly what was going to happen. On the battlefield, it was all the same thing. Death by killing, death by injuries, and to those who are caught up in the middle of it all. Xiao knew this all too well and he was holding onto his significant mortal. He scoped around the burnt down place they had called home and had hissed at himself for failing to save the little ones. Their lifeless facial expressions were frozen in fear and anguish. Xiao protected (Y/N) from witnessing the horrible sight behind him by draping his long robe to block her vision.

He needed to find another way to protect her.

She was going to end up like one of them too if he didn’t.

She was going to wind up in the same inevitable fate that all humans face when they meet their end.

“Remember when I said I... I was going to tell you something, Xiao?” The fragile girl voiced out, hands trying to navigate where the young adepti’s hands were. “I have a surprise for you... but we have to go to the Foundation of Plaustrite” she muttered, closing her eyes, a bit exhausted than she thought she would be.

The blood that dripped down the side of her head had most likely resulted from a severe concussion. Not only that, but the large cut in her abdomen was alarmingly frightening to the young adepti.

The demon was trembling, “But you’re extremely injured. You need treatment.” he twinged at the thought of (Y/N) leaving him again. A part of him felt like if he didn’t do anything now, (Y/N) would die easily to her injuries. Of course, the young demon would see it like that. He had forgotten that he had stronger regenerative abilities than the average human.

“Please. It’s my final wish.” (Y/N) prayed quietly. She attempted to open her eyes but stopped when Xiao covered her eyes with his own hands. “Don’t open your eyes.” He advised.

Xiao hesitated, afraid that he might accidentally hurt her if he picked her up wrong. There’s no way that he could reject her request. Haltingly, he bent down to carry the girl in his arms in one full sweep. He no longer felt tired. He felt as if he was granted all of the strength he needed in all of the lands of Teyvat.

“Is this comfortable?”

“...In your arms? Always.”

The black haired man with teal undertones carried the girl with ease. Before parting ways with their home, he looked back at those who had wronged (Y/N). Their bodies are now beyond recognition. As a man who’ll do anything to protect what was his, he had decided to leave the dead men behind like it was nothing.

Seeing (Y/N) breathing again was enough for him to calm down.

“...What happened to the children?” The (H/C) haired girl asked. A gruesome image flashed into Xiao’s head when mentioned. “They’re in a better place. I made sure that they’re comfortable in their new home.” He lied through his teeth. He wanted to spare her feelings.

“...What about the... bandits?” (Y/N) showed a hint of worry. The only thing he could think of was the way he had eliminated every last one of them. “They were also taken care of. I decided to go easy on them.” Xiao lied once more.

(Y/N) appreciated the thought of the young man attempting to keep her hopes protected from what just happened. The smell of iron was already enough to tell her what happened at their home.

Slowly, he began to walk towards their destination. Along the way, he couldn’t help but notice the girl continuing to hum as she was on death’s door. Xiao’s eyes never left the sight of (Y/N). If he didn’t, then it would feel like she could vanish without a trace.

“Xiao?”

“Yes, (Y/N)?”

“...Have I ever told you how much color you’ve brought into my world?” She wistfully breathed.

The man ascended a trail that made its way up. Paying attention to (Y/N) at the same time, he wore a composed face.

“No, you haven’t,” he replied with a gentle voice. He had to stay strong. Strong for (Y/N).

“Really? I thought I told you before... but maybe it was all a dream.” (Y/N) shut her eyes. The moment between both of them had felt so serene. “I remember telling you all about the new recipe I had prepared. There was also a time where I gave you a Qingxin flower crown... Did you like it?” She asked as her thoughts were jumping everywhere. She was barely conscious, but she still managed to voice out all of her silly concerns.

Xiao didn’t have a clue about what she was talking about. When imagining those random scenarios in his head, he could only pretend like he had experienced that all with her.

“Yes. I liked it a lot.” He went along with what she was saying.

“I see. That makes me very happy.”

Xiao hoisted her in his arms bridal style again, making sure that he doesn’t harm her. Even now, (Y/N) looked so angelic in his arms. The blood that dried up around her body smelled like iron.

“You know... sometimes I feel like meeting you was too good to be true. A dream, even.” (Y/N) rambled freely, pushing her head against Xiao’s chest.

His grip on the girl grew tighter, “I could say the same thing for you too. You don’t understand how much you’ve taught me how colorful the world was.” he pressed her head as close as he could to his neck as he made his way up the mountain.

“Hey... Do you know what the difference between ‘I like you’ and ‘I love you’?” (Y/N) weakly inquired.

Xiao didn’t know how to reply.

“It’s like flowers... When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily.” The girl told the adepti. He grabbed one of (Y/N)’s hands to hold, keeping his warmth closer to him.

“...If you were a Qingxin flower... I would gladly water you every day.” (Y/N) confessed as she began to lose her train of thought.

Xiao’s heart skipped a beat. No one has ever expressed their concern to him before.

She was able to genuinely say that to Xiao with confidence. Her devotion stayed true to him until the end. Her tender touch was enough to tell him that everything was going to be okay, even when he knew damn well that it wasn’t going to be. Xiao wanted to surpass this new and unknown obstacle. He wanted to continue watching over (Y/N) and make sure that she gets all of the love that she deserved.

Xiao leaped onto the floating platforms that lead up to the floating shrine.

This was where he had first met (Y/N).

The setting stayed the same, along with the way the sky was painted similarly as before. This time, it was all different.

Xiao was able to comprehend his mortal emotions.

(Y/N) wanted to live.

Their pasts would contrast with their present now.

“We’re here...” Xiao whispered to his beloved.

The adepti carefully set the frail girl to lean against the stone seat. The warm hues reached her eyelids as she could feel the rays of light shine on her. Xiao had sat down beside her, no longer keeping a distance from her like back then. He couldn’t find the heart to act coldly towards her. Steadily, he stared off into the sunset. It was the same as before.

“It’s so warm here.” (Y/N) noted out loud, resting her head against Xiao’s shoulder. A part of him wanted time to freeze at this moment so he could spend the rest of his life with (Y/N). He felt his heart finding the moment to find momentary peace. If there was a god out there that could stop the entire universe, Xiao would trade anything he had to spend all of the time he could with the girl he held dear to.

“Do you want to know where your surprise is?” (Y/N) softly spoke, her strength dissipating.

The young demon grabbed a hold of one of (Y/N)’s hands. “Where is it?” He asked with a lump in his throat. He could tell in her tone of voice that she was already departing to the other side.

“My little surprise is in that book on the stone slab of this place. There’s a Qingxin flower as a bookmarker so it won’t be that difficult to find. You can go read it now if you want.”

“No.” Xiao clutched her hand.

“I wish to spend the rest of your time with you.” He declared quietly, not wanting to think of anything else. The intrusion of dark thoughts could no longer reach him up here. There was only peace.

(Y/N) hummed, “I see.” as she twiddled with Xiao’s bigger hand. Without thinking, the girl had slid her fingers between his palm, entwining fingers.

“Xiao... I think meeting you was...a serendipitous encounter... We both weren’t anticipating to end up like this. When we both met, we were both looking for something. There’s never been a time where I regretted being with you.” (Y/N) smiled with tranquility as her truth.

The adepti’s heart stung by her sweet yet bitter words.

“You don’t regret being with a demon like me?” He slipped out, throwing out a side of him that he never showed to (Y/N). He was afraid of rejection. What if she really despised him because of what he’s done?

(Y/N) let out a gracious laugh, “You’re not a demon, silly... You’re just as human like me. That’s all there is to it. You’re just like me, Xiao.” she indulged him by embracing him with one last hug.

“I don’t know who told you that but I know for a fact that you’re not a demon. If anything, you’ve acted like a guardian towards me. I value you very much and I wouldn’t want to hear you say otherwise.”

Xiao was amazed at what lengths (Y/N) would go for him. He was never used to her close contact, but for these last moments, he couldn’t help but wanting to savor it all. No one has ever told him that he was someone worth being cared for. They all only looked at him like a weapon of war. With the hands of his, (Y/N) saw it as inviting rather than dangerous.

(Y/N) was definitely different from the rest.

Xiao’s amber eyes had already started to tear up. This was an unfamiliar mental state that he was in. Never had he ever thought that he would make it this far to understand human emotions. Xiao was always a well guarded person who would always distance himself from anyone getting near him and yet...

(Y/N) was always there.

The sentimental words have reached the young adepti. He no longer felt ashamed for expressing how he felt. A slip of a tear fell from his cheek, “(Y/N)..?” he called out again to make sure she was still there.

“...Yes... Xiao?” She replied slowly.

Xiao tugged her closer to him. No one in the world could make him resort to these human senses of him. He only wanted to stay by her side and her side only.

“I love you.”

(Y/N) pulled away from his hug and saw his somber yet grateful facial expressions. Now that she could see his entire face, she realized she couldn’t put up her strong front anymore.

She began to cry, realizing the weight of their situation.

“I... love you too.”

Xiao felt something that he had forgotten he had in his pocket. Curious as to what it was, he pulled it out and realized it was the flower crown that (Y/N) was talking about.

Had he always have this in his pocket? Where did this come from?

He went back in his thoughts to try to remember where he got this from. All he could remember was that he had felt this object in his pocket after his dream earlier that day.

The black haired young man with teal undertones had carefully knelt down in front of her. With one hand, he grabbed (Y/N)’s other ones as he placed a soft kiss on top. It almost felt like he was a knight preparing to give his vows.

“(Y/N). There’s been a question I’ve always pondered to ask of you. I’m not very sure if we can make do with what little time we have remaining, but I’d appreciated it if you allowed me to have the opportunity.” Xiao started, feeling the girl’s tender gaze upon him. “From the day we’ve met, I had only thought about how foolish mortals were. There was a part of me that refused to take a part in opening up to a newer side of the world. I was more than afraid if you were going to shut me out entirely. I’m just a shell of a sinner... It almost feels morally wrong to even stand near you. But that all had shifted once you sat down next to me under the starry night sky. You were the only one who could change my perspective, and I am eternally grateful for how you’ve healed me.”

He swallowed. What was he saying? He was a bit doubtful if he worded his sentences correctly but he had no choice but to continue.

“...I can’t imagine growing old with anyone else, nor do I want to. When I think about you, I know that no one will hold my heart the same way you do. With you by my side, I feel at peace, and when you’re gone, I’m constantly looking for a way to get closer to you. I’m sure that you’ve had bad memories of this, but I’d like to overwrite those memories with something genuine... (Y/N)... Will you marry me?” Xiao confessed with sincere, heartfelt words. His heartbeat seemed to synchronize at the same time as (Y/N)’s. The atmosphere never felt so enchanting than now. Time was running out for both of them.

The weakened girl in front of him had no words to say other than yes. Instead of accepting the flower crown that he had held in his grasp, she had caressed the adepti with both of her hands on each side of Xiao’s face. They both met each other’s eyes. His amber ones looking into her (E/C) orbs, perhaps asking for permission before he could continue. (Y/N) slowly nodded, blushing when Xiao had finally leaned forward and had pressed a gentle kiss against the girl’s soft lips.

It was all but peaceful.

Finally.

Xiao was able to get these feelings off of his chest. He gazed at the sunset once more before he picked up (Y/N) again and sat her against the stone bench where he held her by the waist.

“I’m... feeling... tired...” The girl had said with complete honesty.

Xiao couldn’t help but feel pity when he saw his lover. She was deteriorating faster than he would’ve imagined. It was like he was watching another Qingxin flower lose its petals. She slowly hummed again, a harmonious tune that would ingrain into Xiao’s memories.

“Are you... afraid of death?” The adepti watched with attentive eyes. As someone who inflicted death among others, it would certainly be a different experience if he had asked someone who was about to go through it.

(Y/N) shook her head. “...When I’m with you...? Never. I’m not... afraid.” She wheezed a little bit, leaning her head on Xiao’s shoulder once more. Although time was running out, she kept wearing her brave smile as she fell drowsier.

“...Smile... for... me?” (Y/N)’s voice ran out as she was clinging onto life for as long as she could. Her final wish.

Xiao’s most difficult task to do. During this time as he watched everything he had developed with this girl slowly bloom throughout his heart. From all the times they’ve stayed up watching after the kids and talked until the dead of the night. Through the harsh rains and cold days, Xiao would continue to stand by her side. It was something worth protecting. He was given a reason to continue on with a more fulfilling purpose. She had given it all to him with open arms.

He trembled, but continued to wipe his tears. Taking a deep breath, he blocked out all of the worst thoughts that could flow into his head. He had to do it for her now. He has to answer her prayers.

There he was. The man that had worn his composed and calm features had been able to send (Y/N) one last smile. His lips quivered as he attempted to hold a brave front. He has to commend (Y/N) for having that special ability. The (H/C) haired girl shut her eyes. Yes... This was all she ever wanted.

She never felt so free until now. The freedom that she had always wanted was now granted to her.

The adepti had endured the last bits of time he could spend with her. With the way that (Y/N) grinned with no regrets, he felt the seconds going by like hours. This was all he could do for her now.

...So this was love.

What a strong emotion. No wonder why mortals fight for what they believe in. Before he met her, he was just an empty husk with no concept of what it takes to be human. Now that (Y/N) showed him the ways of how life could be spent, it would be the end of her journey.

It was just two companions that were dreaming alongside each other. Two contrasting people that come from two different backgrounds. No matter how far he came with her, he couldn’t help but notice what solitude truly was when something he cherished was now gone.

Xiao just wanted to remain with her until her final moments.

Before Xiao could completely doze off, he planted the well-crafted Qingxin crown on (Y/N)’s head, gently planting a kiss on her forehead, bidding his reluctant farewell.

“Goodnight, (Y/N).” He whispered to her for the last time, fulfilling her first request he hadn’t answered in the beginning. The lump in his throat was building up his regret, remembering how he promised to kill her so she would be put to rest and be free. He didn’t know how badly he wanted to go back in time and convince her to fight and live on.

He shut his eyes, not recognizing how hard it is to let go. He couldn’t envision the idea of her leaving him behind until now. After she had held onto his hand for so long, it seems that the last chapters of (Y/N)’s life has come to an end. The adepti pressed his forehead against (Y/N)’s, hoping that his words could somehow reach her. It was thanks to her, he was able to live like he was alive. He shut his eyes tightly, praying that somehow he could reach out to her again.

“...I’ll miss you dearly, my love.”

✦

-=+=-

Epilogue | Adeptus’ Retirement

(Y/N) had always known.

She knew that Xiao was a weapon of war.

When searching around remnants of fallen towns to take care of more children, some wandering travelers would tell rumors of the demon that would ruthlessly kill thousands. (Y/N) never paid any attention to it until she heard a tale of an evil archon utilizing him for his own selfish needs.

She thought to herself, “I will find a way to save him.” as she continued to roam and travel by on her own to find a way to free him. The week before (Y/N) had broken down in front of Xiao, she had already climbed up to the Foundation of Plaustrite once more, hearing that an archon of contracts would appear one fateful night.

When she did encounter that archon, she had first spoken to him like she was talking to an ordinary human. The archon, Morax, had listened in on her story as she explained how Xiao was forced to commit these heinous acts of violence.

“He had helped me realize that I wanted to continue living. I came up here in hopes that I could find this God of Contracts and tell him my wish.” She said with a brave heart.

Rex Lapis listened intently in his human form. This would benefit all of Liyue if he could save the young demon from the evil archon.

“I wish that he could be as free as a crane. I wish for him to find something worthy to protect. I wish for him to be proud of a name that he can tell others.” (Y/N) prayed while looking at the moon with the archon next to her.

“What name did you give him?” The god inquired.

She smiled, “Xiao.” while looking down at her feet. She knew that it had a few different meanings like “demon”, but she could only see the name to be fitting for someone heavenly.

The archon crossed his arms, knowing that this human girl was going to be the one to change history.

“It’s a deal.”

✦

She was sent into a dream realm. Her body seemed to feel lighter than ever, and she could only see a field of pure white flowers that blossomed on its own. In the distance, she could see the young adepti, laying peacefully in the field. (Y/N) had laid down on the grass right next to the dreaming demon.

Her time was about to come.

In order for her contract to be fulfilled, she must give up her life.

(Y/N) held Xiao’s hand tightly.

It was a wish she knew was worth protecting.

“I want you to be free. I want you to feel human. I want you to feel loved.”

The girl didn’t know death could be so alleviating. The other side was now beyond her reach, and she could slowly feel herself falling asleep. Even so, she continued to talk to Xiao like he was awake. A part of her hoped that she was somehow connected to Xiao in her dream.

She talked about the special almond tofu that she was supposed to be preparing and she had crafted a Qingxin crown while she rambled on. To her surprise, she felt a hand grab her arm. Turning around, she made eye contact with the young man who she thought was resting.

“Please...” He muttered in his sleep, turning over to come closer to the girl.

(Y/N) was taken aback, but then had smiled wistfully. Maybe she did have one more thing to do before she left this world to meet death. Without thinking, she had carefully tucked her Qingxin crown into the side of Xiao’s pocket.

“As proof that I was here... I’ll give this to you.”

She hovered over the resting man and had laid on top of him with a gentle hug.

If she could go back in time and relive every moment with him, she would.

...

She woke up.

That’s when she saw Xiao in front of her at the raid of her home. Well, what was left of their home. She knew that there was an attack launched when she was unconscious in the dream realm. Morax had informed her that the evil archon would order the bandits to come to kill the rest of her family at the ruins they lived in. It was also a consequence that the contract came with.

But it doesn’t matter anymore.

(Y/N) wanted to be selfish again.

“Welcome home.”

✦

When Xiao woke up, he no longer felt a presence next to him. Wondering what could have happened, he knew that he shouldn’t ask any more questions. Instead, he opened up the notebook that (Y/N) had left behind for him. With the Qingxin bookmarker, he had flipped open the book to read what (Y/N) left behind for him.

At that moment, he could no longer hold back the flow of tears.

After reading the truth.

After reading the contract.

After reading her sacrifice.

Xiao let out a blood-curdling scream.

Never in his life had he ever heard his voice come out of his throat like that. Never had he ever thought that (Y/N) would be so important to him. He couldn’t help kneeling down on the floor of the shrine and curling up while holding the notebook to his chest.

After everything she’s done for him, he couldn’t let it all go in vain.

“I’ll fight. I’ll fight again. I’ll fight and make sure I grant your wish, (Y/N). I’ll do anything if it means that you can see me from wherever you are!”

Xiao missed her.

He missed her so much.

He missed (Y/N).

✦

Xiao fought. He no longer served under the evil archon and had pledged his allegiance to Rex Lapis. There was a long period of time, peace for Liyue, the type of peace that (Y/N) had wished for.

The guardian yaksha had sat on the Foundation of Plaustrite once again as he looked off and into the sunset. A thousand years had passed since (Y/N)’s passing. War never ended fast like how he hoped it would, but he continued to hold onto the feelings he had for (Y/N) until the very end.

The yaksha was now around two thousand years old. Although he distanced himself from the mortals he swore to protect, his memories were far from faded from the day he had serendipitously encountered the ethereal angel, (Y/N).

Between adepti and humans, he knew that relations between them were very possible. He couldn’t forget (Y/N)’s scent. As he sat on the stone slab, he could almost feel (Y/N)’s soul. It was almost like she was leaning her head on his shoulder again.

He placed the Qingxin flowers he had collected from the highest points of Liyue and rested them beside him. The atmosphere felt a little bit nostalgic as he watched the sun go down.

Xiao had peered at the little desk of books that were piled on each other over the years that had passed. With careful eyes, he picked up the worn out notebook that (Y/N) had left behind for him. Every time he felt like he was losing himself, he would flee to this floating sanctuary that he once met (Y/N) at.

He felt the cover of the book, not realizing how much time had passed as he continued to live on as a proud yaksha.

Slowly, he turned the book cover open and began reading the pages again.

“Dear Xiao...

Did you like the gift I gave you? I wasn’t sure what to do when I first heard that you were being enslaved by a cruel archon. I did everything in my power to make sure that I could somehow make my wish for you a reality.

Rex Lapis was a compassionate archon I never thought I would meet. He listened to my tale and had decided to make a contract with me so you could be set free. At that moment, I knew that it was going to cost the lives of our entire family and I.

I’m sorry.

I knew that if I had told you my plans, you would do everything within your power to stop it.

It’s funny how I wanted to die so badly.

The day that we both met was a very fortunate day.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

You were my reason.

So with that, I hope that you’ll feel as free as a crane. I hope that you’re living to protect something important again. I hope that you’re opening up to humans more and face them with no hostility. Even when you’re around children, I find it adorable that you had somehow kept a soft spot for them. I hope that you’re doing well and living the rest of your days with peace.

Maybe one day we can meet again.

And if we do meet again...

I hope you’ll fall for me one more time.

Love, (Y/N).”

The man had sighed to himself, closing the book and resting it in his lap. A part of him wanted to thank the evil archon for telling him to love. He knew that the archon wanted to use Xiao’s resentment to multiply his power during the war, but it didn’t turn out how he thought it would.

The moon began to rise in the night sky. Out far in the distance, he could see all of the floating lanterns from where he rested. Xiao knew that the beginning of the lantern festival had begun. The guardian yaksha was grateful to be the only one to know why the festival was hosted on this very day.

It was in memory of (Y/N).

The floating lanterns glowed from afar, making Xiao slowly smile to himself. If what (Y/N) said in her writings were true, then he would gladly await the day he would meet her again.

With a new age of Liyue and with no calamity threatening Teyvat, Xiao was able to sit back and relax as he watched the lanterns float in the sky.

This was the beginning of an Adeptus’ retirement.

-=+=-

AN: My god. This took about three full days for me to write. I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading this. I spent so much time thinking, writing, and crying over this idea for Xiao for the longest time. I’m so glad that I was able to tell myself to post this, ignoring the fear that no one would like it at all. With the new year that’s about to come, I can’t wait to see experience and see the next chapter of my life could be. Thank you for reading this. I wish you to stay safe and hope that you’ve enjoyed this piece of writing I have left to give. You don’t have to like or reblog the post, but if you really feel like this had resonated in you, I would deeply appreciate it if you could like or reblog it. I want other people who love Xiao to read this if they could. It would mean a lot to me. Again, thank you for reading up to this point, and I wish you a happy new year.

401 notes · View notes

aerltarg · 3 years

Note

Maybe this is a stupid question, buuuuut:

I just can't imagine a world that Rhaegar comes back from the Trident, wins the war and becomes king. No, I'm not a anti Rhaegar, matter of fact I like him very much, I'm just can imagine how would Lya, little Jon, this whole affair, would settle in the capital. The norm that fics (at least those I read) tend to follow is to make Rhaegar:

1. A douche, paranoid and destiny-obessed king.

2. Completely incompetent, aloof monarch, that deep down has a heart of gold, but can't really be understood.

I mean, isn't he supposed to be a scholar since he was a kid? What's are your thoughts about it?

oh, yeah, i can totally understand this! it's is the whole point in canon actually, "the wrong man came back from the trident". you would expect a hero win against his antagonist and have a happy ending w his lady love but it doesn't happen. instead the subversion happens to them with rhaegar being killed by robert who becomes obviously a shitty king and lyanna dying after him. they were never supposed to have happy ending, they were created as tragic and doomed and dead from the beginning for the whole plot to start, jon to have his parentage mystery and dany to take the passed baton as the last dragon, prophesied savoir and the heir who has to carry entire house on her back now.

as for the realistic rhaegar wins aus that's the difficult question. tbh we just don't know enough abt their situation, plans and wishes. you see, e.g. in agot we can be right in ned's head and see his motivations, what he was thinking abt, what he was planning, what he was hoping to do. but if his story was told the way rhaegar's was i bet he would have his own crowd of haters and ~intellectuals~ jumping out every two seconds w their "hot takes" how actually all hints abt what rlly happened (ned being a good man w his own sense of honour, justice and experiences affecting him and the deal w cersei's children) doesn't matter and he was an ambitious prick, planned to grasp the power by being joffrey's regent and make his daughter sansa queen. (you can actually insert there any bullshit and still don't reach the level of stupidity of such "hot takes" this fandom loves so much lmao). also he would be blamed to the hell and beyond for being too stupid and not foreseeing the future and actions of other ppl bc ofc after everything happened it's so easy to say what was so obvious to notice. also they would say that the deaths of his men and horrible fates of his kids are 100% his fault and even straight up say he killed them lmao. i can rant abt it for hours so yeah. this is a situation w too many unknown variables bc it depends too much on actions of too many characters we don't know enough abt. the only thing it's possible to tell for sure is the fact that there couldn't be any perfect solutions since things got too complicated at this point.

such fics as you've mentioned tho are just a part of this dumb fanon where rhaegar is "too prophecy obsessed"/"incapable of love"/shrodinger's rhaegar both smart and stupid at the same time/whatever/all of this combined lmfao. the man was notably intelligent from the early age as you've absolutely rightly mentioned, his guesses abt himself being tptwp have nothing to do w egocentrism as some parts of the fandom would want us all to believe unless he wouldn't be so reasonable abt it and later on, after so many years, wouldn't have changed his mind and thought his son could be tptwp.

and literally fuck all antis that think you shouldn't consider prophecies that hold real power in this fantasy world lol. you know, aegon the conqueror was said to be motivated (or at least partly) to unify westeros by the prophecy and still got the treatment of perfect/maximum close to perfect figure of a leader everyone should look up to from the narrative and grrm. prophecy obsessed much, huh? i don't even talk abt all these parallels between him and rhaegar grrm put there not for bitches to ignore them completely! and i will never get tired of reminding that dismissing prophecies is UNWISE for targaryens of all people. the house whose story is built on the dream of young daenys and her father aenar that listened to her despite common sense (or what local "anti magic"/"anti prophecies" clowns consider to be common sense). targs would be as dead as the rest of dragonlords if not for daenys the dreamer. who else in the world has as many reasons to take prophecies seriously as them?

yet antis out there act as if rhaegar is one dimensional weirdo whose every character trait is abt mf ~prophecy obsession~. like how can they miss one of the main points so badly?? the game of thrones distracts ppl from the real danger beyond the wall, yk, the one rhaegar was aware of and meant to deal with. there wouldn't be such a problem if he became king and had as many years of head start before ice zombies apocalypse as ignorant bobby b did. rhaegar had to die just for westeros to sink in shit and our main heroes to save everyone to make this story more epic LMAO

so yeah, too many ppl portray rhaegar as this one dimensional robotic creature without any knowledge of what feelings are idk even for what reason. it seems these ppl can't read for real bc rhaegar was not only intelligent af as well as dutiful ("it seems i must be a warrior" but "he loved his harp more than his lance") but also. ugh emotional?? my boy had constant emo sessions w brooding at ruins of summerhall, sleeping out there beneath the stars all alone and writing songs that made all women cry. does it sound as someone who "isn't capable of love" lol? folks act as if he was completely heartless from the day he was born (bc he didnt play w other kids ig??) but in reality their emotional range is less than the one of a spoon in comparison to rhaegar's lol. i'm not even gonna address the horrible attitude of demonizing him for his implied depression, vile clowns never listen to themselves when they talk abt targaryens and their "madness".

tldr; these fics are mostly lame af and suck at characterization if they're making rhaegar like that lol. anyway his character isn't abt being a good or a bad king, it's abt being a would-be-king for characters in books and readers in reality to sigh over his tragic aura and pretty aesthetic abt how it could've been. however, grrm clearly doesn't write rhaegar as evil or incapable as some parts of the fandom would want to try to persuade others. realistically speaking in the scenario where he wins there couldn't be any perfect decisions but it's a territory of speculations on thin air and lit nothing more since canon doesn't provide us with enough information to rlly theorize anything instead of building biased headcanons some ppl call "analysis".

but remember what barristan said about rhaegar while practically watching him all his life, from a literal baby to the man grown:

“I know little of Rhaegar. Only the tales Viserys told, and he was a little boy when our brother died. What was he truly like?”

The old man considered a moment. “Able. That above all. Determined, deliberate, dutiful, single-minded.” (ASOS, Daenerys I)

“Prince Rhaegar’s prowess was unquestioned, but he seldom entered the lists. He never loved the song of swords the way that Robert did, or Jaime Lannister. It was something he had to do, a task the world had set him. He did it well, for he did everything well. That was his nature. But he took no joy in it. Men said that he loved his harp much better than his lance.” (ASOS, Daenerys IV)

#thank you for the ask!!!#hope it didnt get too long and rambly afshsjsjs #once started talking its hard to shut up 😂#and im sorry for any possible mistakes #.txt #rhaegar targaryen #targnation #mypost #fandom wank #anti antis #majorton #*answered #asks

41 notes · View notes

rovelae · 3 years

Text

Behind the Scenes of “Hologram”

Today marks exactly one year since I posted arguably my most popular fic. “Hologram” is a postgame Saiouma one-shot about escapism, loneliness, and running away from the past. I put a lot of myself into this fic and I’m blown away by all the love it’s received, not only on AO3 but in Discord servers and other social media. All that excitement made me keep thinking about it, so I thought I’d share a (very self-indulgent) behind-the-scenes of sorts about how I wrote it, as well as what I think of the story.

This essay will contain spoilers for the whole fic, so if you’d like to read it first, you can find it here. Of course, if the tags scare you off, that’s valid, but you might want to skip this post too since I’ll be quoting it throughout (so, just to be safe, expect the warnings I’ve posted on AO3 to apply here too).

If you’re a Lorde fan you’ll recognize the lyrics in the fic summary – “Nothing’s wrong when nothing’s true,” from “Buzzcut Season.” The inspiration for this fic came to me while I was on my way to an early shift at work, and I needed a good song in my head to give me the will to live for the next eight hours. Not sure why I chose that song in particular, but maybe part of it is because I like imagining stories to go along with the songs I listen to, like AMVs playing in my head, and I’d never been able to pin down exactly what this song reminded me of.

The mood of the music is really what compelled me – there’s something lonely about it, and the lyrics sound like the singer’s trying to convince herself that everything’s okay even when all evidence points otherwise. There are “explosions on TV”, and “The men up on the news / They try to tell us all that we will lose,” but “we live beside the pool / Where everything is good.” Despite everything going wrong, despite the notes of fear creeping into the pre-chorus, the character will “play along… in a hologram with you” and “never go home again.”

From there, it was an easy jump to “postgame Saiou” and that was that.

There’s a cloud of seagulls hovering in the air around him, and a dozen or so more standing just out of reach, staring him down with beady black eyes. Kokichi takes a slice of bread from the loaf he’s holding and tosses it to one of the birds, watches it catch it and stumble under the weight, watches its head bob as it tries to swallow the whole thing at once. It gets remarkably far before four other birds descend on it, shrieking wildly.

“Mine, mine, mine,” he mumbles into his folded arms, wondering if Shuichi would get the reference.

He really wishes Shuichi was here.

Kokichi upends the rest of the loaf of bread onto the sidewalk and laughs at the resulting chaos until his chest aches.

To start off, I wanted to create the same lonely mood from “Buzzcut Season” in Kokichi’s simulation. He’s not exactly trapped there, but he’s refusing to leave, because as long as he’s on the fake Jabberwock Island, he can pretend the killing game never happened. The trade-off to that escapism is that the only people he can talk to are the NPCs, who aren’t complex enough to be remotely interesting to him, and Usami, who… well, tries her best, but is more of an informational / moderation program and can’t offer him what a therapist could.

The only thing Kokichi has to look forward to is Shuichi, who he’s convinced is an extremely lifelike computer program rather than the real thing, because the real Shuichi would definitely hate him for everything that happened during the killing game. He’s so locked into this line of logic that he doesn’t let himself consider that Shuichi has forgiven him – he doesn’t even have a good answer for why the Future Foundation wouldn’t just keep the supposed Shuichi AI on indefinitely, believing it’s their way of baiting him into leaving the simulation.

It’s not a healthy or sustainable lifestyle in the slightest, but Kokichi stubbornly refuses to do anything but wander the islands aimlessly, passing the time with ice cream and feeding seagulls until the next time he can see Shuichi.

He dreams that DICE is here in the simulation with him, smiling and carefree as they explore the weird music venue. One of them has gotten the karaoke machine working, and another found a box of kazoos and maracas in the back room. Kokichi already pities anyone unfortunate enough to walk by the building tonight.

“Not going to sing, Joker?” one of his DICE asks (over the sound of their youngest member shrieking through seven kazoos at once), sitting on the bench next to him.

“Some games are more fun to watch than play,” he answers, leaning back on his hands and sighing.

“Like a killing game.”

The warm dream-atmosphere turns cold then, and Kokichi’s head snaps over to look at him—but his brother is gone and Kaito’s looking back at him instead, blood in his teeth and face ashen pale.

“You... we don’t have to do this, man,” Kaito says, but it’s a lie and they both know it, and he doesn’t want to look behind him because he knows the machine’s looming over him with its unyielding steel and slow slow slow descent—

“You’re not real,” he snaps at dream-Kaito, who doesn’t respond except to lift him up again. “Nothing’s real, none of—PUT ME DOWN! LET GO OF ME! DON’T PUT ME BACK IN THERE!”

“Death is more mercy than you deserve,” Kaito says, and Kokichi claws and bites and kicks his way out of Kaito’s grasp like a wild animal, only to end up in front of a prison cell full of—

DICE, his beloved DICE, trapped and hurt and afraid, bloodied and beaten and helpless.

“Why didn’t you save us, boss?” says his second-in-command, clutching the bars with bleeding hands. “Why didn’t you do more? Now we’re all dead and it’s because of you.”

Moments like this are my reference to Buzzcut Season’s pre-chorus, where the not-okay starts to creep into the illusion. Despite Kokichi’s valiant efforts to forget, he’s still dealing with the aftermath of seeing his family hurt and in danger, watching his friends die, orchestrating the deaths of two of them, being killed himself— and then being told every bit of it was made up to entertain an audience who sees nothing wrong with that picture. Running away is not the way to heal from trauma, and one day soon it’s all bound to come crashing down around him.

“Do you know what this … island paradise represents, Kokichi?” [Hinata] asks, and Kokichi’s really not in the mood for a lecture but he continues anyway. “Jabberwock Island … was the setting for the fiftieth season of Danganronpa. The golden anniversary, they called it. It was my season.”

Kokichi hunches over, hugging his arms over his torso and stifiling a scream. He does not want to think about this right now—

“They wanted it to be the best season of all, which, unfortunately for us, meant it was also the bloodiest,” Hinata says. “Twice as many participants, deadly traps hidden across each of the islands— they even changed the way the motives worked, like when they told Fuyuhiko to cut out his own eye so Peko could have a quick death instead of suffering for days.”

“Do I look like your therapist, porcupine-head?” Kokichi hisses. A sharp pain is pounding into his skull, and there’s a bitter, metallic taste at the back of his throat. A taste like poison and blood.

“There was so much going on that the simulation malfunctioned,” Hinata says. “When people died, their Ultimate talents downloaded themselves into me. I’m told that the stress of so many personality grafts came close to liquefying my frontal lobe. I’m lucky I woke up at all… especially considering more than half of the others didn’t.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Kokichi grates out through the static building in his head. If he opens his eyes, will he see the beach or the dull chrome of the machine closing in on him?

“Because I know how much you want to forget about what happened,” Hinata says. “Believe me, I get it.”

….

“These things that happened to us… we can’t erase them, no matter how much we want to. Some things have to be remembered.”

I’d mostly like to leave Hajime’s season up to interpretation, but there are a couple things I wanted to say about it. I imagine Danganronpa is like the Hunger Games in that it’d go all out for big anniversaries. So, there were twice as many participants for the Jabberwock Island beatdown that was probably subtitled “Bloodbath Bay” or something equally appealing. The game’s formula changed from a focus on the mystery and the trials to “look at all these kids massacring each other a la Lord of the Flies,” and since the VR system wasn’t equipped to handle that many people and their deaths, it malfunctioned, giving Hajime way too many Ultimate talents and putting half the cast into comas from which they never woke up.

Viewers either absolutely loved or absolutely hated this season, depending on whether they were DR fans because of the “blood n’ guts” factor or the “mystery and psychological thriller” aspect. Team Danganronpa faced quite a bit of backlash for actually causing the real-life deaths of half its participants, but were able to weasel their way out of serious legal repercussions because of the waivers the participants had signed beforehand (plus a lot of bribery and falling back on their longstanding popularity). So, the cast of Season 50 failed to end the killing game, but helped provide great evidence for the “Danganronpa is morally wrong” argument.

Hajime works as a victim liaison for the Future Foundation and has been trying to take down Danganronpa since he got out of it. He’s like that in a few of my fics, actually; I like the idea of Hajime acting as a big brother of sorts to the V3 cast. It’s especially entertaining to imagine his interactions with Kokichi— though maybe not so much in Hologram, since to Kokichi he’s a representation of the past he’s trying so desperately to forget and the future he refuses to acknowledge.

“SHUT UP!” He launches himself at Hinata, his hands wrapping around the other man’s throat as he uses his momentum to slam him to the ground. “SHUT! UP!”

“Ko— ghk—” Hinata coughs, eyes wide with surprise, but aside from moving his hands up to grip Kokichi’s wrists, he doesn’t seem all that worried about fighting back.

The thought only fuels Kokichi’s rage until he’s choking Hinata so hard his knuckles are white. “If you want me out of this simulation so badly, you can kill me,” he snarls. “I’m never waking up! I’m never leaving, do you UNDERSTAND ME?”

Hinata grimaces, the outline of his avatar flickering, but he still doesn’t struggle, and Kokichi hates him all the more for it, despises him with a seething malice that festers low in his stomach. He wonders distantly if he’d actually kill this man in real life. Or if he’d be able to stop himself, feeling like this.

Kokichi’s breakdown here is more out of fear than anger. Like I mentioned, Kokichi sees Hajime as another piece of what’s hurt him, and no matter how Hajime tries to help, Kokichi will always remember Danganronpa whenever he sees him.

Warm yellow-orange light casts a relaxed, cozy glow over the dining hall. It’s an ambience compounded by the flickering candles on the table, which seems overly idyllic, but Kokichi will let it slide because of the adorable way Shuichi flushed when he noticed them as they sat down. Well, if he’s being honest, everything about Shuichi right now is adorable, from the way his hair keeps falling into his eyes to the way he’s nervously fiddling wth his chopsticks. Kokichi wishes he could keep staring at him forever.

Ah, not… not in a weird way, though, just… because Shuichi’s beautiful, and when Kokichi looks at him he can forget everything bad that’s ever happened, can create some new and brighter world to exist in.

This is an idea I wish I’d had room to explore a bit more in the story— that is, just how far Kokichi will go to pretend everything’s fine. I thought about making him border on delusional, like having him talk to people who aren’t there or forget what’s actually happening around him because he’s so lost in his fiction-within-a-fiction. It would have creeped Shuichi out a whole lot.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t much room for that past the plot I’d already nailed down, so I focused on his loneliness and escapism instead. I do touch on it later in this scene, though— the couple paragraphs where he slips into fantasizing about being a phantom thief having a surreptitious meeting with his detective under the not-so-subtle supervision of his DICE. There would have been a lot more of that if I’d gone with the ‘delusion’ stylistic choice, to the point where even the readers would be confused about what’s real. Maybe I’ll look into writing something similar in a future story.

Eventually, Shuichi sets down his bowl and looks away with a little sigh, and Kokichi clenches his teeth because that’s the sigh he does when it’s time for that conversation.

“Um… Kokichi?”

Kokichi’s only response is to exhale the breath he’d been holding in a quiet hiss.

“I-I know you don’t want to, but… but I really need to talk to you about something,” Shuichi says. “Please?”

“My Mr. Detective can talk about whatever he’d like!” Kokichi says with a lilt to his tone that makes it sound more sarcastic than he wants it to. He takes the last bite of curry and wishes that it burns hot enough to hurt.

“It’s about Kaito.”

This more serious part of the date scene is meant to reflect the little bridge in “Buzzcut Season”:

“Cola with the burnt-out taste

I’m the one you tell your fears to

There’ll never be enough of us.”

It’s a part of the song that sounds especially bittersweet to me, a bit of self-awareness between the insistence that everything’s okay.

Really all I think I managed was to reference it when Kokichi’s internal dialogue comments on his drink being “so sweet it tastes burnt” and then later not tasting like anything. But hopefully the mood’s still there.

“Tell him… that I have nothing against him,” he says.

“That’s … not a lie?” Shuichi presses.

Kokichi shakes his head idly, still not raising his gaze. “I wanted to wreck the killing game and he wanted to save his friend. We both got what we wanted. I’d say the end more than justifies the means.”

Was that a lie?

(I don’t want to die Shuichi I’m sorry I’m sorry save me Shuichi please I’m sorry ithurtsmakeitstop—)

His fingers tighten into clawlike shapes, nails digging sharply into his forearms.

I really don’t think Kokichi would have anything against Kaito, even if here he’s not being completely honest with how much he’s affected by what happened. It wouldn’t make sense to him to hate Kaito for something he himself proposed, but I think there’d still be a subconscious barrier between them. Too much history.

“Don’t go, Shuichi, I’m so sorry, I— that was so dumb, what I said, please don’t be sad anymore.” He’s not sure if he can’t breathe because of the exertion of running or because of the hysteria boiling over in his head. “Please don’t go, I didn’t mean to hurt you— please don’t leave, Shuichi, I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, Kokichi….” Shuichi’s tone is strange, soft and pitying, like he sees something Kokichi doesn’t, and he shakes his head slowly as more tears follow the paths of the others.

Kokichi goes to his knees, ready to grovel if that’s what it takes, but Shuichi follows him down, closing his other hand over Kokichi’s, and then they’re both crying and he doesn’t know why, and all he can do is repeat a mantra of I’m sorry and hold on as tight as he can.

It’s horrible. Shuichi’s horrible. Shuichi’s wonderful, and kind and lovely and perfect and Kokichi hates him, Kokichi adores him, and it doesn’t matter because Shuichi’s not actually here but Kokichi doesn’t want to be alone, just let me pretend some more, please, please let me have this—

“I’ll… I’ll stay,” Shuichi says at last. “I can stay a while longer.”

You shouldn’t, Kokichi wants to say, but his mouth won’t obey him. You shouldn’t stay if you don’t want to. I don’t deserve having you here. I’m not worth your mercy.

But there on the bridge, crying tears of relief, he soaks up as much mercy as he can get and hopes it’s enough to drown him.

I wanted to create a contrast between them that highlights just how the isolation and trauma Kokichi’s experiencing has affected him. He has an almost unhealthy reliance on Shuichi as “the only thing that makes this world bearable,” and panics when faced with the prospect of being alone again so soon. Part of why Shuichi’s crying is because he’s realized the extent of Kokichi’s desperation. It’s not that he thinks Kokichi’s apology is insincere, but that he’s hardly heard him apologize for anything before, so Kokichi going this far has him realizing how bad things really are.

The door rumbles and slides open when they approach, revealing the bright light of the log-out point that took Shuichi away every time, that would wake Kokichi up in his real body if he walked into it. Shuichi stops just a step away from it, biting his lip as if searching for something to say, but before he can find it, Kokichi reaches out to tug at his sleeve.

“Shuichi?” he says, distant as the waves on the beach that he can still hear if he listens closely enough. Shuichi turns back toward him. “Before you go, can I be selfish one more time?”

“Huh…?”

Shuichi doesn’t move when Kokichi steps closer, reaches up to ghost his fingertips over Shuichi’s jaw and around the back of his neck. He lets Kokichi tilt his head downward, lets him hover inches away, close enough to feel their breath mingle in the night air. Kokichi pauses there to give him the chance to pull away. He doesn’t.

So Kokichi closes his eyes and the distance between them.

That last line is a ZEUGMA! It’s a literary device where one word refers to two more in a different way. A popular example is the hyenas’ line “Our teeth and ambitions are bared” from The Lion King. It’s my favorite grammatical trick and I’d love to see more of it in fanfic.

Slowly, he slides his hand down to Shuichi’s shoulder, using it as leverage to push himself away. That hurts even more. He can’t seem to open his eyes, and he feels so weakened, breathless, fragile. Cracked open, hollowed out.

When he finally does open his eyes, Shuichi’s are wide with some mix of astonishment and a dozen other emotions. Kokichi bows his head, taking a deep breath to ground himself. “Sorry,” he whispers. “I just wanted to know.”

“Kokichi,” Shuichi breathes, like a bullet through his heart.

“Goodbye, Shuichi,” Kokichi says, and shoves him into the light.

Shuichi’s little yelp of surprise cuts off abruptly as he falls through the door, vanishing into the glow, and all too soon, Kokichi’s alone again in a dream that suddenly seems far too vast. Alone, with the faintest taste of Shuichi’s lips still lingering on his own.

And he thinks, It was enough just to know you.

It’s a lie.

Nothing to say here except that this is my favorite scene and I’m so happy with how it turned out.

Fake sun rises over fake ocean, fake seagulls glide through fake sky while fake wind tousles fake palm fronds. Kokichi lies on his stomach in the fake grass and talks to his fake family in the fake notebook. Gives them fake names and runs through everything he remembers about them. Apologizes, over and over, wishes he could hug each of them goodbye one last time. Wonders if it would be more painful to die or to never have existed at all.

He leaves the notebook of his memories on the seat of one of the Ferris wheel cars on the fourth island, because one time he promised them they’d steal the London Eye together.

He buys a can of fake soda from the fake convenience store on the first island and sits on the fake beach watching the fake waves. Wonders when he’d hit the end of the simulation if he started swimming, or if he’d drown first.

White sand, blue sea, bluer sky. Washed out, like an amateur watercolor painting.

He opens the soda can and raises it to his mouth, but … even the thought of drinking it makes him sick to his stomach. He sets it down in the sand and flicks it over, watching the bubbly liquid run down and sink into the sand. The color’s all wrong, like blood streaked against a metal floor.

He walks the fake streets of the fifth island, passing fake skyscrapers and fake commuters and their fake conversations, until he finally stops outside the factory he’s never been able to bring himself to go into. Smells like oil, and metal and machines and he can hear the sounds and he’s immediately back in the hangar, dizzy on adrenaline and desperation and leaning heavily on Kaito so he doesn’t keel over and die then and there. Kaito says something about how maybe he should sit down for a minute, and Kokichi didn’t agree back then but he does now, goes down on all fours and dry heaves.

When his vision solidifies and he can stop gasping for breath, he sits up and presses his back against the factory wall, covering his ears and hiding his face in his knees. Tries to convince himself not to imagine Shuichi’s there with him, holding his hand again, promising everything’s going to be okay.

“I’ve got you. No one’s going to hurt you anymore,” or maybe, “Breathe with me, it’ll be over soon. You’re safe now.”

I love you.

He laughs until there’s nothing left in his lungs. He called these little daydreams obsession, before, but now they just seem sick and insane.

I wanted to indicate throughout this scene that Kokichi’s gotten substantially worse. Instead of halfheartedly interacting with the NPCs or finding something to spend time doing, he’s aimlessly wandering the islands, focused on how fake all of it is. Not even talking to his sketches of DICE can make him feel better. The suicidal ideation starts to slip in even if he doesn’t realize it— a fixation on wondering what death is like, purposefully triggering himself by walking by the factory….

The thing I want to talk about most though is the italicized I love you. I left it outside of quotation marks and dialogue tags on purpose because I wanted it to be ambiguous as to who’s saying it. If it’s Kokichi’s line, it’s sudden and almost out of place, like he couldn’t hold back from thinking it anymore. But it could be Shuichi saying it, too. Since it’s outside quotation marks, unlike the previous dream-Shuichi lines, it’s more vague, almost a whisper in Kokichi’s thoughts— like he can barely bring himself to imagine it and even feels guilty doing so, because there’s no way it could possibly be real.

Which do you think?

Eh, I don’t have an answer. When I hear it in my head, they say it at the same time.

“How did you know?” he finally croaks.

Shuichi’s breathing still sounds shaky, too. “Because you said ‘goodbye,’” he says.

Kokichi finally looks up at him in a silent question.

“You never say goodbye,” Shuichi says, rubbing his sleeve over his eyes. “It’s always….”

“‘See you later,’” Kokichi finishes for him. Despite himself, a tiny huff of astonished laughter escapes him. “I didn’t even know, not until a couple of hours ago. And you figured it all out from one word?”

Shuichi bites his lip at that. “You kissed me,” he says.

Kokichi’s stomach twists and he looks away. “I said I was sorry—”

“No.” Shuichi squeezes his hand into a fist and lets it fall to thump against Kokichi’s chest, like he’s trying to knock some sense into him. “It was so honest, and vulnerable, and… and I know how much you hate showing how you really feel.” Another tiny sob catches in his throat. “And so it felt like … like something you’d do if you weren’t going to s-see me again.”

“Shuichi….” Kokichi trails off as Shuichi muffles his cries in his hand again. He’s so breathtakingly smart. There’s no one else in the world who thinks that way, no one else who could possibly be that attentive and that clever. Not a programmer, not a team of shrinks… how can an AI manage it? How is it that Shuichi always manages to take him by surprise? How can he see straight through him when he least expects it?

Kokichi’s hand reaches up to Shuichi’s cheek. Reverently traces the path of the tears falling down it.

“I wish you were real,” he confesses in a whisper.

Kokichi’s stubborn. So, so stubborn. And he’s not used to being cared about, if the way he does everything by himself is any indication. So it makes sense to me that he’ll refuse to believe anything good can happen to him even in the face of convincing evidence. He’s pretty self-hating for someone so arrogant.

Kokichi’s weak, deep down to his core, weak for this man. Already knows he’d do anything for him, and the thought is terrifying—that one person could have that much power over him, even if he doesn’t realize it.

But what if he has realized it? Couldn’t this all be an elaborate ruse, a lie he knew Kokichi would be so desperate to believe that he wouldn’t bother questioning it?

…Shuichi’s never hurt him, though. Only that one time, when he really deserved it. Shuichi wouldn’t … betray him, even for what he thinks is Kokichi’s own good. They’re… different from each other, that way.

But still….

“I’m so scared, Shuichi.” It’s barely a whisper. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

“You won’t be.” It’s so hard to be skeptical, lost in his eyes. “I’ll be right there with you, for as long as you want. I won’t let you feel like this anymore.”

Promise me, he wants to blurt out. Promise you’ll stay. Promise me you’ll never leave me, Shuichi, he wants to demand, but that’s wrong, that’s manipulative and selfish and everything he doesn’t want to be for Shuichi anymore.

Shuichi, of course, says it anyway.

“I promise, Kokichi.”

…

“Kiss me again,” he says. “Please?”

Shuichi leans in close, then pauses, his brow furrowing the way it does when he catches him in a lie.

“I’ll kiss you again in the real world,” Shuichi says. “Okay?”

Kokichi shakes his head. “Shuichi, please.” Please, I don’t think I can do this. Please, I don’t want to wake up to a lie. Please, one last kiss for me to remember in case it was all fake.

Shuichi reaches out to tilt his chin up and Kokichi closes his eyes, savoring every second, burning it into his memory.

Shuichi’s soft breath ghosts over his lips.

“Trust me,” he murmurs.

Kokichi’s eyes flutter back open, searching his face. Shifting him around on the white board in his head, seeing what categories he fits into this time. Weird, of course. Suspicious, maybe not. Trustworthy?

Trustworthy….

“I do trust you,” he realizes.

Kokichi’s still hesitant to accept all of this— Shuichi kissing him didn’t magically fix everything. He’ll still doubt all the way to the log-out point, but at least now he realizes that this simulation is only hurting him— that if things are to get better they’re going to have to change, too. He’s got a long way to go before he’s all right, but he’s not going to have to face it alone anymore.

And that’s a wrap!

Once again, I’m really proud of this story, and I feel like I grew as a writer because of it. There are a few things I would change if I wrote it again, but for all its flaws it’s still my baby and I like how it turned out.

Thanks again for all your support for “Hologram,” and thanks even more if you actually waded through all this nonsense of a director’s cut. It’s a huge confidence-boost to think that people liked what I wrote, and even wanted to hear what I had to say about it. If there’s any interest, I’d love to review some of my other fics here, or theorize or brainstorm or whatever else you’re into. (Ask me what Byakuya’s Thing is in my superhero AU, I dare you 😉)

I do have a WIP in my folder of bits and pieces currently titled “boy finally gets that kiss”, and it’s a post-Hologram scene from Shuichi’s point of view to just sorta… tie it all together, have them talk things over again… and kiss, of course. We’ll see if anything comes out of that.

Until next time!

#Rov talks #Hologram #Saiouma #Oumasai #Behind the scenes #Director's cut #Fanfic review

36 notes · View notes

tl-notes · 3 years

Text

Kobayashi’s Maid Dragon S2 Episode 11 Notes

This is ラジオ体操 radio taisou, lit. radio exercise(s). Basically it’s a short series of light stretches intended for general health. It used to be broadcast over the radio (and I guess still is), but is also on TV and internet these days too.

It’s generally popular as a morning thing to kind of get the blood flowing—some companies (apparently around 1/3rd) even have a few minutes in the morning set aside to have everyone do it. Some neighborhoods will hold outdoor public gatherings during summer break, as a morning routine thing for children while school is out. It’s also a kinda stereotypical old-person thing to do.

There are two “sets,” known as radio taisou dai ichi, and radio taisou dai ni (basically “the first” and “the second”), and each has a standing version and sit-down version for improved accessibility.

“Pound (shoulders)” here is 肩たたき kata-tataki, a type of shoulder massage that involves lightly bopping the recipient’s shoulders with the bottom of your fists. It’s a stereotypical thing for kids to do for parents/grandparents (remember the shoulder massage tickets Kanna gave Kobayashi for Father’s Day in ep 8? same thing).

I honestly have no idea how effective it is.

小林さんは安く済ませようとして、色々物を買ってしまうタイプなんでしょうか？

For clarity here, the idea is less that Kobayashi tries to buy lots of stuff for cheap, but that she wants to solve whatever problem on the cheap, and ends up wasting a bunch of money on several cheapo purchases that don’t really help.

Another angle on it might be like:

“Could she be the type who tries fixing a problem cheaply, but ends up paying more for less?”

Just a bit of trivia, but in the manga Elma answers this question about computer chairs by saying “Yes, a good one costs as much as 1,000 cream buns.”

That’s our Elma.

Takiya’s word for “logic” here is 理屈 rikutsu. Rikutsu does mean “logic,” but it has another use too: referring to something that relies excessively on “theory” vs. practical application/real experience, or a kind of “forced” logic.

Basically here he’s saying this out of modesty, not like “the solution was only logical.”

This “concerning” is 危うい ayaui, an adjective describing something that’s in a perilous situation, kind of like something you’d say “balanced on a razor’s edge” of. It’s typically for less immediately physical types of danger (which would use 危ない abunai instead).

In this case, while it’s true such situations are typically “concerning,” he’s not saying this because he’s concerned per se; he’s saying that situations like Tohru’s, where emotions run high (e.g. romantic relationships), are often fragile because of that strength of emotion.

For “a little hard,” Tohru says グサッと gusa-tto. (“Sharp” was 鋭い surudoi, which is basically one-for-one.)

Gusa-tto is one of those sound effect words mentioned in previous notes, used to describe a heavy stab or pierce (literally or figuratively). (If you’ve seen that anime/manga visual gag where someone says something and the words/speech bubble “stab” the other person, that’s a more light-hearted use of this.)

I mostly bring it up here because the “he’s sharp”→”what he said cut deep” was a good pairing of evocative phrasing that we didn’t really get in the English.

この程度でいいですか？　kono teido de ii desu ka? この程度でいいよ。　　　kono teido de ii yo.

Kobayashi’s answer here is repetition of the question, but changing the “question” marker for a declarative one. Like “Is this enough?” “This is enough.”

I bring it up here for two reasons. One is just because I mentioned the whole repetition thing in a previous episode’s notes, so as an example to help drive that home.

The other is that I have a bit of an issue with the choice of the word “perfect.” Kobayashi is generally a lowkey person (with some exceptions), prone more to understatement than overstatement, so a relatively strong word like perfect is a little out of character for this scene, I would say—especially given the Japanese.

The use of the particle で de in these two lines is also worth noting. In this context (where you’re talking about whether something is what you want), de ii and ga ii have two distinct meanings. With de, it’s “good enough.” With ga, it’s not just enough, it’s actively what you want. If you’ve seen romance shows where one person has low self-esteem, you’ve likely heard a question like “boku de ii?” answered with ”kimi ga ii.”

If there’d been some sort of twist to the phrasing like that, “perfect” might have been a good choice, but as it is I’d have probably stuck with something like “Yeah, this is plenty.” (if maintaining that sentence structure anyway)

そういうもんですか？そういうもんだよ。分かりました。そうします。

Just one quick note for clarity on this exchange; the “that/this” they’re talking about is the “what Kobayashi wants” topic, not specifically this tail-chair thing or how fast the tail-vibrations are etc. You likely got that anyway, but I figured I’d mention just in case, since the Japanese wording felt more obvious about it.

Notably here Daddy Tohru says 知り合い shiriai, which is very explicitly a level or two removed from “friend.” (it’s often translated as “acquaintance”)

They might actually be friends and he just phrases it that way because tsundere, but either way I don’t know if I’d use “friends” here.

If you’ll recall from the Elma episode, “clairvoyance” there was 千里眼 senrigan. This is actually not that, but instead 未来視 mirai-shi, which is more or less literally “future sight.” It probably won’t really come up again(?), but just as a world-building thing I guess, know that this guy and Elma don’t actually have exactly the same power (at least in this instance).

The word for “lost control” here is 暴走した bousou shita, which does basically mean that.

I would, however, like to point out that he’s not necessarily saying Tohru lost control of herself. Bousou means that [whatever] is running wild, but that ranges from a runaway train, to someone going berserk, to someone acting rashly without consulting others.

My point in bringing it up is that “lost control” sounds like Tohru had little/no agency in the decision to storm the enemy’s home ground, which is not really the case and not necessarily implied in the Japanese.

When Kobayashi responds here, she says she, Kobayashi, will be the one getting looked after by Tohru, not the other way around. She flips it 180 degrees from how Dad here says it.

(Since, y’know, Tohru’s the maid and everything.)

Example alt text:

“Make sure you take good care of Tohru until your lifespan runs out.”

“Yessir, I’ll have her take good care of me.”

It’s supposed to give this very heavy and serious scene a bit of levity to end on.

(For the Japanese students: she says [面倒を]見てもらいます, meaning that Kobayashi is having Tohru do the “looking [after].” If she was the one doing the looking after, it would be something like 見させてもらいます instead.

When you stick もらう or いただく after a verb, it’s you having someone else do that verb, not you doing it, so to make it work for “you” being the verb-doer, you have to flip the verb to a passive form. It’s kind of like the difference between “please [verb]” and “please allow me to [verb]”.)

��うしてトール��うちに来てくれる気になったのか

Two small things about this line. First: the “came here” is うちにきてくれる uchi ni kite kureru. The two words I want to mention are uchi, which is like “my/our place” (like “wanna come to my place?”), and kureru, which is used as a helping verb to denote that a verb was done for someone else.

So basically the Japanese adds two extra layers of… emotion(?) to the “came here.” That is, “here” is specified as Kobayashi’s home (vs “here” being more vague and could just mean “this world”), and the “came” is conjugated in a way that expresses Kobayashi sees Tohru’s .

The second, more minor, is that it seems like the English took the 気になった ki ni natta and changed it from talking about Tohru to talking about Kobayashi.

Ki ni naru can mean to take an interest in something (“I’m curious”), or when attached to a verb, can mean “got the will/motivation to do [verb].” In this sentence, it’s attached to the verb phrase uchi ni kite kureru, so meaning more like “why you chose to come here.”

(That said you could easily leave the “curious to hear” part there in the English too though, since that still makes sense for her asking a question like this.)

(Basically the English reads like a translation of どうしてトールがここに来たのか気になった instead of the line in question.)

So like as an example alt:

“I’m curious what moved you to come live with me.”

Which still doesn’t fully grasp that kureru, since that’s a hard thing to just “slip in” in English, but does hit a few other relevant notes and should still be okay length-wise (cursed subtitle restrictions!).

The phrase for “[move] to the big city” here is 上京 joukyou. It combines the characters for “up” and “capital” (of a state/country) and is used as a verb for moving to the capital—these days, specifically Tokyo.

(It used to mean moving to Kyoto, and I’m told it annoys some old-school Kyoto-ites if you use it to say moving from Kyoto to Tokyo, lol.)

#maidragon #Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid #kobayashi-san chi no maid dragon #translation notes #anime

14 notes · View notes

thewhitefluffyhat · 4 years

Text

No, Alina Isn’t Crazy

Let me explain...

When Alina was first introduced, I thought she was the character that made the least sense as an actual person rather than as a trope-y “mad artist” archetype. But after the reveal of her backstory, I find her personality and motivations do make sense, especially when you consider the events of Alina’s Magical Girl Story from her perspective.

Indeed, since that story’s release on JP, she’s quickly risen to become my favorite new character from Magia Record. Hence why I’m posting this today - it’s another semi-Magia Rapport related post, haha. Alina is definitely my favorite of the Forest element characters, and perhaps this essay will show a little of why that is.

Provocative title and Magia Rapport aside, though, what’s actually below the "Keep reading” is a close read analysis essay, specifically focused on Alina’s MGS. (A lot of Holy Alina’s MGS serves to confirm and reinforce little points scattered throughout this too, but this post was long enough without it!)

Introduction

The theme of Alina’s own art might be “Alina’s beauty” and “life, death, and emotion/decay.” But I would argue that the theme of her MGS as a when taken as a short story is “voyeurism and objectification at the cost of self-identity.” Specifically, how Alina’s actions and personality are the logical conclusion to that concept taken to an extreme.

There’s one important truth to Alina’s world, and that is the idea that Alina’s art IS Alina. We see it at the start – when she says her art is what she enjoys and what she grasps with her own hands. We see it at the end – with her realization that her art’s theme is “Alina’s beauty.”

And at the end of the day, what MGS Alina most seems to want is to be left alone to do art, to be herself. But who is Alina?

Alina the Teen Prodigy

Unfortunately for Alina, her fame gets in the way of figuring that out. Such is the life of a teen prodigy. As perhaps can be expected, constantly parading children under a spotlight is a great recipe for turning out extremely high-strung kids with very warped self-esteem.

(See also: Nemu, but especially Touka.)

The exchange regarding the award here is a good illustration of that mindset. It might initially seem contradictory for Alina to work desperately hard to win an award that she later doesn’t want and claims she wasn’t aiming to win. But once being “gifted” becomes central to your identity, winning an award doesn’t feel good anymore. It feels more like running in place, just the bare minimum expected of you to maintain your identity as a genius. And Alina’s perfectionism means she can’t not hold herself to that standard.

Indeed, Alina is already showing signs that she’s struggling under the pressure and overexposure. Normally, Alina seems to love talking about art and her own works (as long as it isn’t about herself, anyway). Arguing with her teacher and running away are far more of a bother and interfere with her ability to get back to painting far more than a quick meeting would have been. Yet she curses at her teacher, bolts, and skips school rather than have to deal with the consequences of her fame again.

She’s irrationally lashing out, asserting her boundaries in whatever way she can. And with the way the characters react, this doesn’t even seem like the first time it’s happened, either...

Which suggests Alina’s problems with her fame also aren’t new. When we first meet her, Alina is already a lot closer to a breakdown than she appears on the surface.

Having natural talent from an early age, Alina probably hasn’t learned how to deal with failure without spiraling into a full blown identity crisis. As a perfectionist, she’s also hypersensitive to even the slightest mistake. And given that she’s been famous for a few years at this point, her acting out is practically expected.

Just given the setting that she’s a well-known child prodigy, it’s not surprising that Alina has all these traits.

Alina’s Adults Are Useless

What is a bit disturbing, though, is that adults around Alina aren’t any help in protecting her from her fame.

Indeed, from what we see, the pattern is the opposite - over and over, the supposedly “responsible” adults in Alina’s life say her visibility matters more than her consent. Her teacher pressures her into competitions she dislikes and then gets on her case when she pushes back. Her parents put up her whole life story, including photos of her as a kid, without Alina’s approval or even permission.

Jumping ahead, I think it’s rather telling that Alina manages to destroy all her art, commit suicide, and get rescued by a third party – and none of these adults even visit her. A popular theory is that Alina’s parents are travelling in a different country. But - did no one tell them? Did they not care? As it is, anything Alina does – even blatant red flags like destroying a classroom and her own art – is treated as just another work of artistic genius, to be advertised and exhibited.

(Because apparently nothing says High Art like creep shots of a teenage girl having a mental breakdown.)

Of course, Alina isn’t being neglected or abused like Sana or Yuma. Not even close. But she’s not in a great situation either. She doesn’t really have anyone she can turn to in a crisis. The adults in her life mostly use her for their own ends, reinforcing that her worth is in her fame as an artist, not her value as a person.

Alina’s Peers Aren’t Much Better

Then, on a more subtle level, there are Alina’s peers. Whenever she’s mentioned by people her own age, she’s either the subject of scary rumors or glowing admiration. Other kids know her as a celebrity name to be idolized or feared, not a person.

Before becoming a magical girl, the only person who actually makes an effort to befriend Alina is Karin. But even she is initially caught up in the aura of Alina’s fame and contributes to the swirl of gossip around her.

The result is a situation where everyone around Alina has their own opinion on who she is. No one seems to care or leave space for who Alina wants herself to be. And Alina, not having a social life to fall back on, is increasingly left with “genius artist” as the only means she has to interact with the world. It’s a self-reinforcing spiral.

The Critic’s Letter

First, what it’s not: this isn’t about Alina getting a bad review and not being able to handle criticism of her work. She’s already won the competition. And Alina is perfectionistic to unhealthy levels - she’s already her own worst critic.

Rather, the letter’s insinuations are both subtler and crueler. As Alina says, the critic isn’t concerned with her artwork - he’s commenting on Alina as a person. Thus, the critic’s words are the same pattern as before, now crystallized into its sharpest and purest form.

Alina’s internal sense of identity is precariously fragile. Meanwhile, Alina’s external identity is being used as a canvas for other people’s desires. Even though all Alina really wants is to create art for her own sake, other people obsess over and dump their own meaning (or lack of meaning) onto her works.

Once again, Alina’s art is conflated with Alina herself. The person is being evaluated as a piece of art.

As if that wasn’t enough, the letter’s final insinuation that Alina is losing her brilliance is a triple threat. If she can’t create great art, Alina loses the activity she enjoys most. She also loses the one thing she knows other people value her for. And worst of all, she loses the only touchpoint she has for her sense of self.

Cue existential crisis. Alina’s life is Alina’s art. Alina’s art is Alina life. Without one, she doesn’t have any concept of the other.

And in the light of all this, her suicide makes perfect sense.

Alina’s Suicide

Welcome to the literal and figurative objectification of Alina. Literal, in that she’s turning into a corpse. Figurative in that by putting her body up for display, she’s allowing people to voyeuristically consume it – an idea further reinforced by the “Kusouzu / Nine Phases” reference in the title implying a tinge of sexual objectification as well.

Now that she’s destroyed all of her previous works, the only thing Alina leaves her audience to look at is Alina herself. Filming her body as it turns from a person into a dead object was simply the logical conclusion to a life of being displayed, objectified, and overwritten by others’ perceptions.

But how does Alina feel about this ending?

The day of her suicide, Alina rushes around in a kind of manic euphoria. This isn’t especially odd. After all, it’s not uncommon for a suicidal person to outwardly appear happier before they make an attempt, as finally having a concrete plan of action can feel like a huge relief.

Dying means a solution to Alina’s worries about her talent fading. Dying also means an end to all the pressure, all the constant struggle of performing to ever-heightening expectations. Alina can simply abandon the cases and tools once she’s done with them - no need to stress about the future when she won’t have one.

Alina’s farewell, though, betrays darker emotions. It’s simultaneously deeply spiteful - “this is what you all wanted from me, are you happy now?” - yet also an admission of utter defeat. Alina is giving up her very humanity and selfhood to be evaluated as whatever her audience wants.

Throughout the story, everyone keeps telling Alina that her art is intoxicating, pulling the viewer into it… but the reality is the exact opposite. Alina’s art was just something Alina made for herself, and any intoxicating meaning was something the viewer injected into it.

And thus, Alina’s revelation. Alina’s theme is “Alina’s beauty” – both a rejection and an embrace of that objectification. Now, Alina has declared that her art loudly and unabashedly about herself, viewer projection be damned. And yet, at the same time, since “Alina” is what viewers are obsessed with seeing, then Alina will give them exactly what they want…

An Artistic Failure?

So then why does Alina consider her final art to be a failure? It fits well within the theme of “Alina’s beauty.” Indeed, her later works like “Humanity’s Implicit Reward” and even her swimsuit are arguably just softer variations of the “Alina’s body as forbidden yet alluring object for the viewer to consume” idea that is present here.

This suicide also seems to fit into the “life and death” motifs she has. It’s a twisted kind of resurrection - effectively, she’s killing herself as a human in order to live on eternally as a memorable piece of art.

Alina plans her final work directly because she thinks she’s dying as a creator. Rather than face her brilliance fading, she chooses to defy it by going out in a blaze of glory. And when put that way, it’s an exciting and fitting conclusion.

There’s just one little problem with that narrative...

While drifting between life and death, Alina realizes the critic was wrong. She had a theme all along. Alina’s brilliance wasn’t fading.

And thus, since she wasn’t a “dying artist,” her “going out in a blaze of glory” no longer holds any profound meaning. She’s just a silly teenager who got too worked up over a harsh letter.

The overall concept behind Alina’s last work wasn’t the issue. The failure was in the timing and execution, killing herself before such a thing had meaning and in a way such that her body would be found.

And so, I don’t think Alina has learned her lesson here. I don’t think Karin’s words have gotten through to her yet. If she concludes at a later point that her talent is truly is fading or that she’s lost her theme, I’d fully expect her to pull another suicidal stunt again.

Conclusion

So the good news: Alina lived! She’ll have plenty more chances to create art and figure herself out!

But the bad news: Alina’s revelation implies she’s now even more reliant on her identity as a genius artist.

And thus, like so many other characters, the end to Alina’s MGS isn’t really an ending. She hasn’t solved the problem at the heart of the crisis that led to her wish. Becoming a magical girl and discovering witches does nothing to stop Alina from falling into another identity spiral, nor has she left her suicidal tendencies behind.

Alina found her theme, but she still hasn’t found herself.

Misc Details

Some other neat miscellaneous details that fit with this interpretation:

I’m glad the English translation keeps at least a little of the quirky way Alina refers to herself. (That being said, in Japanese, it’s even more exaggerated - she doesn’t use normal first person pronouns at all, only using “Alina.” )

Because on the one hand, this is an obvious hint at her extreme narcissism: Alina’s sentences frequently emphasize her name.

On the other hand, it’s a great subtle detail to return to the theme of objectification. To put it another way, Alina refers to herself in third-person. That is, even when Alina is speaking about herself, she reflexively frames it from the point of view of another person. Because Alina is constantly having other people’s perspectives forced onto her!

Also, it turns out the pattern of others projecting onto Alina is present in her witch as well! “Old Dorothy” is a historical figure whose diaries have been analyzed by multiple different researchers. Some of them came to the conclusion that Dorothy was definitely a witch, others came to the conclusion she was definitely a normal, upstanding member of her community. The researchers got completely opposite results from the same exact diaries. So therefore - did they truly care about learning what Dorothy was really like? Or were they just out to prove their own theories?

(Two years in, Old Dorothy is even more fitting of a name. Doroinu basically predicted the entire fan response to Alina. Some people see her as an evil (w)itch, some people see her as a sympathetic figure - all from looking at the same text.

We’re even starting to see the “two sides” of Alina come up in the Main Story, with Karin’s subplot in Arc 2.)

Meanwhile, Old Dorothy’s form - a “paint tube” - carries both this “paint over with your perceptions” meaning while also suggesting the same story as Alina’s final piece in miniature.

Unlike Izabel, Alina’s witch form isn’t that of an artist. Because when Alina hits her lowest point of despair, she no longer considers herself to be an artist. She believes the only value she has left is to become literal materials to create art.

In other words, Old Dorothy is Alina turning herself into art again. It’s just rainbow paint this time instead of red.

Last but not least: yes, I am absolutely aware of the irony of this essay. Here I am rambling about how Alina’s story is all about her struggle to be herself while everyone seems determined to erase her in favor of their own projections – and yet a good chunk of this interpretation is probably my projecting on her. Whoops!

Still, even if you disagree with it, I hope this essay was interesting and maybe made you question some of your assumptions about Alina.

Thanks for reading!

#madoka magica #magia record #alina gray #magia record analysis #my ramblings #long essay #read more #tl;dr #alina is certainly exaggerated #but in her MGS she comes across as #a surprisingly believable gifted kid #going through a nasty identity crisis #exacerbated by her fame

274 notes · View notes

anextraordinarymuse · 3 years

Text

Head vs. Heart: Part 1

A discussion on which woman represents Oliver's head (Holly) vs his heart (Shane), complete with gifs. This will cover moments from the Pilot through Truth Be Told.

(@jonesgirl88 KATIE

ARE YOU READY KATIE)

This is going to be so long - I have so many gifs. There will probably be a read more. You've been warned.

Okay so, obviously I still believe that at the time we meet Oliver and Shane Holly is the personification of Oliver's head, and Shane becomes his heart. That got me thinking about all of the moments in the show that led me to believing that. First off, everyone knows that the heart is on the left side of the body. I was curious, so I did a Google search about the left side of the body and what it represents. Now, I'm not saying that I believe this necessarily, but some interesting results came up: the left side of the body is commonly associated with receiving or taking in; the mother; asking for help; and is considered the feminine side. I emphasized those points because I thought they were interesting considering 1) that Oliver's mother abandoned him, and 2) that, as we'll see from the gifs, more often than not when Shane is engaging with the left side of Oliver's body (or he, hers) he's receiving something - usually emotional support and connection.

But really, I was also just thinking that Shane spends a lot of time subconsciously connecting with Oliver's heart. She does this by consistently being present on the left side of his body (physically closest to his heart) in emotionally charged or foundational moments, or Oliver does this by putting/drawing her there. Let's break it down.

Starting here:

The first time Shane asks Oliver to dance, not only is she on his left but she turns so that all of her is oriented toward the left side of his body (his heart). She's also right up in his bubble - and she gets in his bubble a lot. This is before we find out that Oliver doesn't dance, and that he connects this lack of dancing as a reason that his wife was unhappy. Considering how important (and synonymous) dancing becomes to Oliver and Shane's relationship, it's telling that the very first time they do so it's 1) because Shane initiated it, and 2) initiated from Oliver's left side (and physically close to him, not from a distance). But this isn't the moment that first came to mind when I started this project.

This is:

This is after Oliver has shared the pain of his wife leaving him with Shane, and she has shared the pain of her father leaving her at ten years old. Look at where Oliver has drawn her hand into: it's against his chest, over his heart, and completely covered by his own. Shane allows herself to be vulnerable with Oliver and he stops them in the middle of the dance floor and pulls her hand into him like this, so that it's safely sandwiched between his hand and his heart. Oliver doesn't look at her in this moment, but he can't resist connecting with her - and he does so by placing part of her literally against his heart.

After the pilot episode, we jump several episodes forward before we get another moment of connection like this, and it's not surprising that it's in The Masterpiece during that famous dance in the DLO.

Who doesn't love this dance moment? It's easily one of my favorite moments. But I included both of these moments specifically because of the placement of their hands. In the top one, look at the way Oliver once again draws Shane's hand into him. This moment is ridiculously intense: they've stopped moving in any way except toward each other. Oliver's face is getting closer to Shane's and he's once again subconsciously drawing her into his heart (look at the way Shane adjusts her fingers in that top one - it's a tiny movement but it kills me). In the bottom one, Oliver has once again enveloped Shane's hand in his own so completely that you can't actually see it - and he's holding it against his heart. BUT! in that top gif he's staring intensely into Shane's eyes (and at her lips, don't forget that) as he draws her hand in; in the bottom one, his head has kicked in (his duty and promises to Holly and their marriage) and even though Shane is connected to his heart - and he's literally holding her there - he's no longer looking at her, and then he drops her hand and moves away.

In this moment, Shane is his heart (what he wants) and Holly is his head (obligations, promises, duty). We don't see this hand over heart movement again for a while after this, but the symbolism doesn't stop here.

In The Future Me, Oliver and Shane are still at odds. But look at this moment, from early on in the episode. Not only is Shane on Oliver's left, she goes to remove something from his left shoulder and Oliver shies away from her touch. This is interesting for so many reasons: once again, Shane is trying to establish connection with Oliver's heart (aka his left side) and Oliver physically will not let her do so. This is the only time we see him move away from Shane like this - and it happens after their argument about Holly (who, arguably, should be in Oliver's heart ... but maybe isn't there anymore, at least not as firmly as she should be). The moment where Oliver witnesses Ellie removing something from Bobby's shoulder though, Shane is standing to Oliver's left. Interesting ... but let's continue. (gif credit for this gif: alameda and downing blog).

The next time Oliver and Shane dance is at Bobby and Ellie's wedding in The Future Me. At this point, Shane is aware of Oliver's motivations for learning to dance in the first place; they've shared that intense moment in the DLO; and there is no reason for them to dance in this moment, especially if Oliver is trying to follow his head and maintain a professional distance from Shane.

But Oliver wants to dance with her, and his heart wins this moment. Not only is Oliver the one to broach the subject of dancing with an indirect invitation ("We never did get our dance, did we? ... Do you think we could remember the steps?"), but look where Shane is standing. Once again, she's not only on the left side of his body, she's once again turned to face him. This is also interesting blocking since Shane is the one that is more open to/aware of their connection. She's literally facing it, and Oliver, head on. Anyway, after the surprise chemistry of their DLO dance, Oliver lets himself have what he wants in quite an interesting moment: a freaking wedding, of all places. This is also the last time Oliver and Shane dance in the TV series except in flashbacks.

Now, by the time we get to this moment in Dark of Night, we know how much importance Oliver places on this award and those cups. He's proud of his family's work, and the moment he finds out that he and his team are going to receive the Dark of Night award is a huge one for Oliver. In fact, this moment is so foundational that we see it as one of Oliver's flashbacks in The Treasure Box when he's thinking about Shane. And, once again, look where she is:

Not only is she on his left, she's physically connecting with him in that moment, on that side - again. This is even after Oliver has overheard Shane's conversation with Becky and presumably come to the conclusion that Shane is romantically interested in him. And then we get to The Treasure Box. My gosh, my love for this episode knows no bounds. But that's beside the point. (I have a lot of gifs for this one.)

As Oliver and Shane really settle in to reading the letters and connecting with Jonathan and Katherine, we get this moment of Shane seated on the desk to Oliver's left.

Shane spends a lot of time in this episode on Oliver's left. One of the moments that I find interesting that I didn't gif is near the end, when Shane is so upset over thinking that Katherine died (and that they might die). As she becomes increasingly distressed Oliver audibly tries to connect with her by calling her Shane, which she doesn't seem to realize or respond to - so Oliver moves to his left, around the desk, and comes to embrace her. And Shane sees him coming and actually turns to face him but backs up a step or two before letting him approach. I just find this interesting because, at least from the way the scene is shot, it looks like it would have been a shorter distance for Oliver to step to his right and around the desk. It's probably nothing, but still. It made me wonder.

Let's also mention Holly's letter, because earlier in the episode we get to see where Oliver puts it when he's finished writing it:

In his inner left breast pocket. Now, this is the only inside pocket on a suit jacket, but I'm left wondering why he puts it there when we were shown not many moments before that Oliver has his briefcase with him. He easily could have put it in there for safe keeping, but he doesn't. He puts it in a place that's close to his heart, and it stays there ... until after he and Shane read those letters and are free to leave the vault, at which point the letter falls out and Shane is the one to return it to him with the words "you forgot this." Oliver puts the only physical piece of Holly we've seen up to this point close to his heart and it literally will not stay there - and he doesn't even know that it's gone until Shane points it out. I think it's safe to say that at this point, Holly's grasp on Oliver's heart is tenuous at best. It's not an organic connection - Oliver is consciously having to put her there, and her presence is being overshadowed more and more by Shane. Nothing truly tangible of Holly is left in Oliver's heart, just memories and echoes.

This moment is just cute. But also, look at Shane's hand: it's completely covering Oliver's left hand and wedding ring.

.... And apparently I've hit the limit for number of gifs you can put per post! LOL!! I guess even tumblr is telling me that we're going too deep, but whatever. That just means we're moving on to a part two!

#Oliver x shane #ShOliver #shane x oliver #shane mcinerney #oliver o'toole #Jess' thoughts #this got so long that even tumblr said it needed a break #but I won't be stopped #we are down this rabbit hole for good now

5 notes · View notes

reeesea · 4 years

Text

Something Sweet: Part Three

~sweet beginnings~

one ~ two ~ three ~ four ~ five ~ six ~ seven ~ eight ~ nine

pairing: minsung, jisung/minho

warning: mild language

words: 2.5k ish

summary: sweet beginnings and small apartments, also Seungmin baby shows up

a/n: Im honestly just proud of myself for posting a third chapter woo!! lemme know if you read and enjoyed <3

also the spacing got wack trying to do the text convos, so hope the bold and non bold isn't too gross to look at. Minho and Jisung

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minho wakes up to the sun streaming in through the thinly veiled curtains over his window. Thankfully he woke up to a minimal headache in spite of having gone out to the bar and an impromptu concert the night before. Rolling over in his small twin sized bed he reached for his phone to check the time and any potentially important notifications.

9:26 am

[ 2 new messages from Rich Boy Han Jisung ]

Minho finds himself smiling at the new messages from the boy that had stumbled upon him last night.

2:25 am

Youre right I do hear it all the time

but it sounds pretty sweet coming from you ;}

I'll tell J.One you thought he was amazing

9:28 am

Careful Han, your cockiness is showing

Jisungs’s cocky demeanor does nothing but make him more endearing to the older, but something gave Minho the impression that the boy already knew this. Not expecting a reply from the other this early in the morning, Minho stretched out of bed and made his way out of his small bedroom and quietly to the shared bathroom. Not a small feat in the old apartment shared by him and his roommates. Creaky floorboards, squeaky doors, and over all close proximity to each other makes being quietly courteous in the morning a frequent challenge for the boys.

The living room at the end of the small hallway was turned into a shared bedroom for Minho's two roommates. Felix’s mattress had gotten a bed frame from some trading website a few months back when he moved in. The makeshift wall of hung shower curtains and a fold out screen gave the boys the illusion of privacy between their respective sides of the room. Even though more times than not, Minho has come home to find the lanky brunette curled up in Felix's bed instead of on his designated couch.

Climbing over the piles of the boys’ clothes, Minho makes it to the bathroom without disturbing the other two. The two were still passed out from working their night shifts, draped over each other on the freckled boy’s bed. Neither showed signs of awakening any time in the morning hours. Minho showered quickly and changed in order to make his way out of the apartment and on his way to the studio to practice his Saturday away

Minho would have thought that the both of them would have remained in their university dorms for the summer, if they weren’t able to find apartments on their own. But, at some point after he had graduated, he had gained himself plus two of his underclassmen as roommates. He really couldn't complain though, it all made sense as all three of them were a part of the same dance studio, barely a block away, and all had reasons to be saving money. Paying a fraction of rent really helped with all that had to be saved in order to pay for school, studio fees, living, breathing, and most importantly audition fees.

As the summer had set in, so had the wave of audition opportunities for companies and crews. Felix had mentioned needing to prepare a video audition last week for a few entertainment companies in the area. Hyunjin was busy trying to save up his money to pay for the upcoming semesters at school to graduate like Minho had.

Entering the practice room and being welcomed by the distinctive scent of a dance studio was enough to bring Minho back to reality. Since graduating, he had been stuck in his thoughts about what to do with his future a lot. His childhood dreams of getting into the prestigious Yellow Wood Dance Academy seemed to slip farther away from him with every passing year. His audition tapes each year during university were almost always sent back, along with a ‘We are sorry to inform you…’

It’s not like Minho couldn't keep applying, but with every year the rejection stung a little bit more, and he wasn't sure if he would be able to take another blow. No matter how confident Minho acted about his looks, when it came to dancing his ego was glass fragile. His passion for dance sometimes felt like the only thing that kept him standing, but it had been a while since he had felt rewarded for his dedication. Even when his practically broken dream haunted him a little too much, focusing back to his craft really gave him a better grasp on reality. Making his way to the front of the room to plug in his phone to pick music, a new notification popped up.

[Rich Boy Han Jisung]

10:03am

dw dw its all fake i assure you, all just a ploy to get you to like me

What you up to on this fineee saturday mornin??

Hmmm wouldnt you like to know

i only tell boys i like so...

Minho smiled in spite of himself. Even over text the sparkly eyed boy was able to pull out and dust off his genuine smile. It had definitely been a while since Minho had found himself freely smiling, but here comes Han Jisung crash landing into his life, running amuck. After spending a moment debating whether or not just to tell the younger of his activities anyway, he came to the conclusion that mentioning dance would only result in more questions, and Minho really wasn't feeling like spilling his passions and dreams with the other already.

Haha i am only even more motivated now >:D

Dont strain yourself too much with that,

im just enjoying my saturday before my shift later.

Queuing up some music Minho migrated to the middle of the room to casually freestyle and warm up for the day. Allowing the music to flood his ears, movements to take over his limbs, and only his feet to remind him of where he was, Minho’s mind went blank as he began to relax and give up control of his body to the steady beats of the song.

---

By the time Minho wrapped up his practice and was heading home the sun was already starting to settle on the lower half of the sky. Surprisingly the day had passed him by quickly. Spending the whole day grinding out a routine he had been recently working to perfect was not usually an overall fun time, but Minho found that he was able to keep his practice productive and enjoyable.

His smile throughout the day certainly had nothing to do with his breaks to text to Jisung. The casual banter between them felt natural, and the light conversation made him feel lighter on his feet as he moved across the floor. Even with the flirty nature of their introduction, their conversation never steered far from how anyone would expect two close friends to interact. Minho found himself smiling more throughout the day as he checked Jisung’s messages throughout the morning and afternoon.

12:25 pm

Also for the record my capacity to flirt is honestly quite unimpressive

I hope you aren’t talking to me for my stage charisma and charm

To sweep you off you feet, i may be a disappointment

Usually i'm just awkward, cant flirt, doesnt leave the house, Jisung

You almost tripped over your feet walking into the bar last night

Dw im not sure id want you to sweep me off my feet with that balance

You wound me ;--;

By talking to Jisung, he had somehow managed to satisfy all of Minho’s previous curiosities while sparking new ones. Even with Minho generally avoiding giving away his own personal interests and dreams, Jisung didn't hold those same reservations and filled their conversation with “fun facts” and lively stories. Jisung’s lively play by play of the bickering taking place between his group mates, now officially introduced as Chan and Changbin, had Minho giggling on the floor of the practice room. The way Jisung described everything brought it to life in ways that he hadn’t expected from a casual text conversation. The boy was definitely a great storyteller even just over type, and Minho found himself wondering if he would get to hear his endless stories in person.

---

[Rich Boy Han Jisung]

3:36 pm

Youre one interesting man Lee Minho

Han, you know almost nothing about me

On the contrary I feel like I know a good amount

Youre name is Lee Minho

You work at the fancy restaurant Menu 98

You used to work at the bar we were at last night

You have a really beautiful smile

…

Are you quite done

Definitely not but if i start going off about how stunning your eyes are

you might block me

Which would be a shame please dont

What happened to awkward Jisung who cant flirt huh?

Minho returned to the small apartment to find Felix attempting to cook some ramen in the microscopic kitchen and Hyunjin sprawled across the couch watching some variety show. Felix was probably fueling up in order to spend the night gaming the weekend away before his work overtook his weekdays again. Hyunjin barely looked to be conscious but still managed to wave a greeting to Minho as he walked into the room.

“How’d practice go?”

“Pretty well. Finally was able to clean up that middle section I’ve been messing up.” Minho hurried into the other room to shower once again before heading to the restaurant for his evening shift.

“Oh glad to hear it.” Felix’s voice filtered in from his place by the stove that was shoved in a corner of the room, along with a fridge and a sink that barely classified it as a kitchen unit. None of the three were complaining, the stove heated up their ramen water and the fridge kept their milk cold, what more could they ask for?

“WAIT, did you talk to that guy at the bar last night???” Hyunjin’s loud voice carried from the couch through their thin walls allowing Minho to clearly hear even if his bedroom door was closed.

“Which one, Jinnie?? You gotta be more clear than that.” Minho had actually stacked up a few numbers from his night and received atleast ten free drinks from other patrons. Not too bad for the first night out, but of course the only phone number he had bothered messaging happened to be the one he had been texting all day.

“You know the one, the rapper one you left to go see perform.” Minho of course knew, but he wasn't gonna admit it to his roommate so easily, and just hummed in response eliciting a groan from the younger.

“If you haven’t, you so should. 3racha is all everyone from the bar is talking about. Their concert must have been a big deal or something.”

“WHAT, 3RACHA? You have got to be fucking kidding me.” Felix, apparently a fan, shuffles in with his ramen in hand to accompany the loud outburst.

“Hyung! One of them gave you their number?? They’re literally like the next big thing in the music scene. Which one of them was it?”

J.One, Han Jisung, the cute pink hoodie guy

“His name is Jisung I’m pretty sure.” Minho was very sure. “I didnt know they were such a big deal”

“J.One gave you his number? Damn hyung, you don't even know. They’ve been performing locally for years but their fan base has grown a ton in the last year. There’s rumors that they've signed with a company and are going to come out with something soon.” Felix continued spouting off information on the group to them, as Minho continued his routine of preparing for work at Menu 98.

---

[Rich Boy Han Jisung]

4:35 pm

Looks like my roommate is a fan of you guys

We’re not talking the tall beautiful bartender from last night right

No that was Hyunjin, Felix is the fan

beautiful?

Ah atleast ill be on the good side of one of ur roomies

Yeah tall boy was pretty, but something about him made me think he didnt like me

I think it was his face, and his height

Most tall pretty boys dont take too well to a squirrel boy being in their territory ya know.

Whats not to like about a cute squirrel boy

Im sure he likes you and youre over thinking

If his two roommates like you, he’ll have to like you by association

Did Lee Minho just admit to liking me

Wow the development, less than 24 hours

We love to see it

Your ridiculous

I said nothing of the sort

Sure sure hyung

Gtg now, dinner shifts starting

Have fun at work!!!!

(wait can i call you hyung???)

Minho left him on read as he walked into the restaurant, already bustling with waiters and the changing of shifts for the dinner crowd. ‘Less than 24 hours’ and Minho was already admitting indirectly that he liked the boy he had only just properly met the night before. Stranger things have happened he supposed. Minho continued to surprise himself with this one though. He was not one to seek out friendships or relationships. Anything more than the very occasional one night stand, was practically void from Minho’s social life. Other than the people he had met through dance and his roommates, there were very few others that Minho had chosen to form any kind of relationship with. Even his co-workers were mostly just faces and names he had to remember in order to do his job well.

Well, expect Seungmin.

“You look awfully happy today, who spiked your coffee this morning?” Seungmin had been a newly inserted character in Minho’s life but they became fast friends after a few too many late night shifts without proper caffeination.

Seungmin had been a newly hired host at Menu 98, just the average polite university student with enough experience to get hired. When Minho met him they exchanged the basic pleasantries and thought that would be the end of that, until one fated closing shift. A certain, tipsy, entitled, rich, high class asshole of a customer had held up Minho’s section for much of the night. Minho found himself being bossed around and verbally berated throughout the night, trying to serve the women who appeared to never be satisfied with the food or service Minho was offering. By the end of the night, she was their last customer and Minho saw her to the front to pay. His customer service smile, strained and barely holding up, and the woman’s complaints, even while paying, had him wanting to drop all his pleasantries and curse her out as she waltzed out the door.

“What an absolute fucking pain in the ass of a woman”

Minho hadn’t thought he had said his thoughts aloud, but looked up to catch Seungmin, who had let the words come out in hushed tones as he held a sickening polite smile on his face. After that point the two had bonded over various pain in the ass customers and a mutual love for sarcastic backhanded insults. Minho's relationship with Seungmin was probably the closest thing to a friendship that the older had experienced in a while.

“No spiked coffee, sadly”

“Well something’s making your usual sad bitch face smile, so it's gotta be good. Hmm...Meet someone?” Seungmin’s signature puppy eyes were on full display, but not without the signature mischievous glint they always held.

“Well wouldn't you like to know Seungmo~ but me and my usually flawlessly beautiful face got to go charm our way into some extra tips.” Minho gave the boy a gentle pat on his head, that was met with a stubborn pout forming at the younger’s lips.

“You definitely met someone, you usually don't have this much self-confidence so early into the evening.” Minho did nothing but giggle at his comment and made his way to the back room to begin his shift.

------

one ~ two ~ three ~ four ~ five ~ six ~ seven ~ eight ~ nine

#stray kids fic #stray kids #skz #skz fic #minsung #lee minho #han jisung #stray kids han #lee know #jisung #idk what to tag anymore

26 notes · View notes

dayables · 3 years

Note

I'm glad you liked my yttd ramble the other day hahsjshsj. And I have some more stuff to say because this game lives rent free in my head.

I love the writing and storytelling from kimi ga shine, I really do but I think the way the later half of the second main game is structured, from a narrative point of view is kinda misleading. The whole focus of the last bit, with the Kanna vs Shin argument is on Kanna. Shin feels unsure and ungrounded so he resorts to interrupting her and abandons his calculated and calm facade he had until that point, which makes sense in a character point of view because it shows how he reacts when he is truly cornered. But it doesn't make sense considering afterwards the game clearly wants you to vote him. Honestly after playing the logic route the first time, the emotion route feels like a fever dream. It's all unicorns and rainbows and is such a contrast to the other option I wonder why we even had a choice in the first place. Unless further down the line there is some type of plot twist where our hope and optimism in the emotion route is punished I don't see why the game pushes so hard to make us feel guilty of killing Kanna in the Shin route. Honestly, after playing a chapter 3 full of internal conflict from Sara and other characters reacting to the traumatic nature of their situation, they seem so naive in the emotion route, idk if I'm explaining myself well enough. Like we fall into this weird bit where they will "for sure make it out alive" and Sara is determined to "bring everyone to safety", everything is "totally gonna be okay" and it just seems so... off? It makes no sense for them to think that right now, especially not after a failed escape attempt and seeing the way the floormasters and dolls can interfere with the game like Gashu did. (And knowing that even if they can take off their collars they will just be killed for desobying the rules from Shin's death)

On Kanna's death "cut scene" Sara literally thinks, and I quote "We need Sou to escape... / I... chose logic... / The worst possible choice..." what???? literally how? The whole point of this choice is that no matter which one it will always be a morally grey answer, there isn't a right or wrong here because either way you're killing one of your allies. And going back to the way the second main game is structured: the focus is all on Kanna so having Shin's death be the final arch for his character seems a bit out of touch. If we wanted that to be his big finale, if he's the one we're supposed to listen to, then why isn't he the one speaking for the majority of the time? The end of the discussion part is all about Kanna, Kanna's sacrifice, her whole speech about Kai's values and hope to defy the game and escape as a group, Kanna's wish to save Sou and Sara like she couldn't save her sister. Then why is listening the Kanna the worst choice? I think they were going for a "double final arch" per say, so you could in fact choose any of the two endings and still have a satisfactory conclusion but why did they have to push so hard afterwards for Shin's death to be "the right choice?". If that's just Sara's guilt speaking why doesn't she feel the same way (or at least the tiniest bit remorseful) for Shin?

And I know it's another level to the whole logic vs emotion, you either get a more satisfying narrative or a happier one but I don't think it had to be that different you know? That and the way the two deaths are handled makes it clear (even if unintentionally) that Nankidai gives priority to the emotion route. And when you can see that to this degree it makes me wonder why is this even a choice in the first place?

In conclusion, I seriously hope the emotion vs logic route isn't the thing that leads the player to a good vs bad ending. Or at least that it isn't as predictable as it seems right now, because if we are doomed right from the moment we chose to save Shin... idk it seems like a cheaper alternative to just have "save the child" as the objectively better ending. And again, I would personally make it so that the whole hero trope, happy-go-lucky nature of the characters in the emotion route would crumble somewhere during the final chapter, they can still have a happy ending but at least make it so that there are some consequences for choosing Kanna over Shin, literally anything at all. Them being suddenly almost unfazed by the deaths of their past allies is so out there it seems completely out of character. Like you said, Sara's stress doesn't come only from Joe's death and Shin's existence, it comes from leading a group of people to almost certain death, why is that no longer a problem? And if the difference between saving Kanna or Shin is more world building and knowledge later on then that needs to be a bigger difference between the routes because right now it's just Kanna good, Shin bad.

Anyways this turned out super long again but I just have. a lot of thoughts. I really do like Nankidai's storytelling, he does a very good job at it but when it comes to this? I think he made some questionable choices, I hope it becomes less linear in the future.

:DDD

Once again, this is my thoughts explained so well, so I’m going to expand with my thoughts :)

First off, the game clearly wants you to vote him. is very true. Shin’s death is nearly too perfect. Happy ending, a character arc wrapped up in a bow, constant praise for killing Shin and an even happier next part. A fever dream is the perfect way to describe the emotional route after playing logic first. Everything about it, seems so off.

What tipped me off, what really tipped me off, was Kanna’s reaction to We hin’s death. Especially when compared to Shin’s. Whether or not it’s healthy is debatable but it is at the very least co-dependant. Kanna was manipulated by Shin. Whether or not she cared for him the same way he cared for her* is up for debate.

*(we don’t have nearly enough context for a clear cut on her motives for her actions in part 2. Shin seems to be more concerned about saving Kanna specifically, while Kanna wants to save everyone including Shin. This can be linked back to her feelings of worthless. Yes, Shin is special to her, she mentions him and Sara. However, if they had not gotten close, Kanna likely would have made the same choice)

Kanna, almost didn’t seem to care that he died, that everyone else might die (from her own perception of what could happen). For someone who is wrecked by grief and death so much, she’s, just as happy as everyone else? It’s so out of character that she isn’t a teeny bit distressed.

See, the oh so happy attitude, part can be played off to Sara no longer being swallowed by self-loathing over Joe. She believes she can do it, and that will drastically affect how the part plays out. Yes, that is not where all her issues stem from. But, even that small weight could make all the difference in those moments. I’m okay with that because Sara is allowed to be unreliable. It’s the others reactions. Everyone is just like her. It’s so surreal how everyone seems have gotten their own Joe AI through someone's death?

The narrative actively pushes that choosing Kanna is the better thing to do logically, while killing Shin is foolish and a choice made from emotions. We are pushed to kill Kanna then rewarded when we save her. It’s all so jumbled. It’s all so wrong. Now from a story telling perspective, it is okay to reward us for listening to our hearts. My issue with the emotional route isn’t that it’s one big happy family, (because how much of that is Sara believing that?). It’s the concept it’s pushed to be better, happier and the ending you want.

As you said: Why is killing Shin a choice if it’s so bad?

Is it to give the player an illusion of choice?

It makes the emotion route so fever dreamish after finishing the emotion route. So jumbled. It makes it less satisfying but I believe it is for a reason.

Right now everything is too linear. We either have the most important player in this game dead, or against us. It’s not like the Reko/Alice choice. This was so major, so why is it so linear?

It’s unnerving, how happy the game is when the exact same thing is happening but bleaker when you save Shin.

It’s terrifying. Everything is the exact same, but it’s not. And it’s something i’ve seen no one else who played emotion first get. Because I don’t know if you can exactly grasp how unnerving their happiness is (I obviously didn’t play emotion first but I’ve never seen anyone point it out despite most of tumblr playing emotion first) at first.

I am terrified of the emotional route for their being nothing bad. Because they’re are bad things and good things. in the logic route.

Why is one route so happy and the other realistic? Why Nankadai? Why?

I have belief that this is purposeful. I believe a game that creates dread so easily (look at how we’re all terrified of main games, Midori, part 3b) and horror (just look at the deaths) is not creating the terror unintentionally. Especially when it’s so easy to miss.

The fact it can be taken down to Kanna good, Shin bad, is a build-up for a crash. This game built up Kai surviving longer than the first game so well and look at how that went. It takes one slip and the happiness of emotion crashes down like glass. The logic route does not need to end happier, but all Shin needs is a push and the bleakness of Logic cannot hold up.

These routes are resting on a needle. It takes so many mistakes (more than can be made in a single route) to unintentionally put them there.

There is a lot of room for this to go wrong. You’re right, it’s bad writing right now for the routes that are so linear to be so different. It’s worrying, jumbled and does not make sense. I agree with you! The choices here are questionable. ^^, I just believe these are purposeful, especially when we don’t know what’s coming next

3 notes · View notes

reality-imagined · 4 years

Text

Getaway Car - Peter Parker

Young Adult!Peter Parker x Agent!Reader

Based on Getaway Car by Taylor Swift, I suggest listening to it before to get in to the ~tone~ of what’s going on. Also, Endgame never happened, goodbye.

Word Count: 8.5k

Rating: T+

Warnings: Violence, Use of guns, Hints of murder?, Maybe slowburn?, romance

Synopsis: Peter (who is 23 now) is struggling to find his footing in the team now that he’s older and he’s tired of being the kid damn it. Peter decides his next mission is going to change how his team views him, but things never work out just how he plans, does it?

I’ve been sitting on this since I first heard the song, and I’ve been itching to post it! xx

It had taken some time for the other members of the team to start taking Peter seriously, and even though they regarded him with a little more respect, they couldn’t help but still see the youth around his eyes. A facial feature they often used to fuel their jokes. Peter understood that it came from a good place, a place of caring and inclusion, but it didn’t reduce the sting any less. They praised him like a child when he achieved even the smallest task, making him feel (childlike). But even worse, any mistake he made was highlighted and turned into a lengthy lecture by each member - scolding him to be diligent and be more “mature.” They often blamed his age and lack of experience, completely missing the fact that these lectures did not assist Peter in his training at all. Only infuriated him, particularly when another member made a similar mistake, but was only brushed off by the others as “bad luck.”

Nonetheless, he worked overtime, harder, and more diligently to try to get the team to see him as more than just the youngest Avenger. He took on all the missions he could, small or large, to add more experience to his resume. Maybe, just maybe, if he could catch up with the team on experience they would finally remove the “rookie” title from his name. He couldn’t remember the last time he actually took a weekend to enjoy things other 23 year olds enjoyed. At this point, Ned and MJ quit offering invites out, knowing Peter would relay that he had a “classified” mission to go on and wouldn’t be able to make - but next time, definitely. The best way to keep up with their friend, they found, was to check the headlines and new stations - Spider-Man saves the day once again! Peter wished the team would revere him as the media did.

So, when a file came across his spot at the team table for a solo mission, Peter didn’t even have to open the file before he agreed. A solo mission. If he could knock this out of the park, in record time, then this would be the moment they finally regarded him as a full-on member of team. This would be his ticket to the big leagues and meetings that only involved Steve, Natasha, Tony, Thor and Banner. He would finally be an Avenger not only to the world, but to the other Avengers as well.

He stayed up the entire night, memorizing the file and the target. It wasn’t a simple mission to say the least, but it wasn’t impossible. Despite his lack of recon experience, he figured a quick conversation with Nat would help him in this area and he’d set course to Vienna by the end of the week.

Ned’s birthday dinner would just have to be rescheduled.

Y/n couldn’t exactly remember what invited her into her line of work, whether it was the influence of her family or a set of specific skills she had somehow stumbled upon. Either way, her job was her life and there was rarely a mission she declined. She worked for many people, a lone ranger who swayed elegantly back and forth across the line of good and bad. Sure, the number of tasks on the ‘bad’ side outnumbered the opposite tremendously, but she did experience being the good guy every now and then. She found that those jobs, where she saved the day, tended be more difficult anyway. Y/n by no means regarded herself as a hero or vigilante, just a girl trying to make a living and hopefully cash out on a beach somewhere with a mojito in hand by the age of thirty-five.

She ignored the hype of the superhero’s that everyone seemed to talk about nowadays - the Avengers? Really, were they going to release a Christmas album this year? She scoffed at the idea of being a part of a team like that, and she was surprised when she first heard of Black Widow’s involvement. Y/n had once looked up to the lethal red-head, but now having seen her join the band of ironically-clad heroes, decided that she was quite opposite of Natasha Romanoff and should probably rely only on herself for motivation. She would never be good like them, even if she wanted to.

It didn’t take long for the news of a new-age, extra deadly nuclear weapon on the market to reach her ears. And not long after that, power ridden billionaires and dirty country leaders alike requesting her services. The highest bidder bought her out of course, and she pictured that sunny beach being closer in her future than she had originally planned. Even though she was only 23 and still had a bit of baby fat in her cheeks, she knew exactly how to infiltrate this particular wealth-monger and had a new persona and ID ready for her flight to Vienna in only a couple of hours.

She didn’t think this mission would take her all that long and she could practically taste the mint mojito on her tongue.

Establishing his identity as a possible buyer to the evil guy holding the future of the world in his expensive briefcase took a lot longer than Peter had expected. He wasn’t used to being so exposed on the field, even if his mask was his only missing accessory. The thought that someone would recognize him, even with the possibility of that being in the negative percentage range, still had him on edge any time he met with another individual who got him closer and closer to his target.

Peter was thankful that the extra missions and time spent training with Steve and Bucky, shaved off the extra teenage weight he had. It didn’t take long for his face to thin, his jawline to sharpen, and his body to become more lean. He had finally lost that awkward, teenage lank to his features and he blended in easily with the people around him. Peter managed to get his last contact to trust him enough to snag an invitation to an event held by his target. It was a lavish event in a ballroom nearly the size of the compound back home. People were dressed elegantly and Peter straightened out the lapel of his suit jacket once again, an expensive number that he happily charged to the team’s mission expenses.

Peter surveyed the area as discreetly as possible, missing the functions that his mask, which was tucked safely away into his jacket, gave him when it came to surveillance. He wondered briefly if Tony could mock up some glasses for him next time. By the look of the crowd, chatting idly to each other, he figured that the target had yet to arrive. He wished he was more skilled in the social aspect of recon, his socially awkward tendencies once again coming up to bit him on the ass. Making way to the bar, he politely- and clumsily- excused himself as he nudged people from his path. Suddenly becoming anxious at the thought that his falling demeanor would give away his intentions.

Y/n stirred the drink in front of her gently, a small, polite smile on her face as she looked over the crowd. She already knew her target wasn’t here just yet. She had spent the evening in his lavish penthouse the day before and new of his schedule for the day. She had played dumb and innocent when he said he had meetings to go to before he would meet her at the party. The bug she placed on the lapel of his jacket as she passionately kissed him goodbye let her know that the last meeting with a buyer fell through and that the device she was after would be in attendance with him tonight. So, she donned a sparkly, gold number that was eye catching but allowed her to blend in with the people around her and sat herself at the bar as soon as she arrived. Smilingly gratefully the people that he had previously showed her off to, only to keep up the appearance. Inwardly grimacing and keeping the best smile she could. If she had to spend one more moment with the man and this twisted entourage, she would blow her cover and his head.

She was about to stand, the sleek watch on her wrist letting her know that her target was approaching the ballroom. The sight of a man, likely around her own age, stumbling up the bar, halted her movements. He dropped down on the stool with tense shoulders and a bead of sweat on his temple. His eyes scanned his surroundings before shooting his head to the bar tender who asked what he would like. The man visibly faltered and Y/n could instantly tell that he was new to the game that she herself, was currently playing as well.

“He’ll have an old fashion.” her voice spoke without her mind’s permission. The bartender replied a quiet ‘yes ma’am’ and began preparing a drink that matched the one she still stirred with a little red straw. The man before her stared at her with wide, startled eyes, body tense and almost ready to spring from his seat and run. “Camille.” She smiled, her fake name falling from her lips as elegantly as if it were her own, a gentle hand rising for him to shake. He stared down at her hand, before he seemed to snap out of reverie and quickly grasp her hand in an awkward shake.

He didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t expected someone to talk to him while he was here. She was beautiful, gorgeous even, and he only wished the confidence that exuded from her was contagious. By the look in her eye, he could tell she was picking up on his nervousness. It was at this point, mid-thought, he realized her hand was still in front of him, so he quickly grasped it. Flinching at his own awkward movements and released her hand from his jerky grasp as quickly as he held it.

She raised a manicured eyebrow at him, and he quickly realized he never gave her his own name. “Pe, I mean, Paul.” He tried not to show the mistake on his face and only inwardly grimace at his own stutter. He had picked out a cool undercover name before setting out on this mission, but found that he stuttered just has he had moments ago during his first task. Meaning that he was stuck with Paul.

“Paul.” She replied slowly, nodding with a small smile playing at his lips. He only hoped that she wasn’t all that perceptive and this was just her confident personality. Otherwise, his cover was blown and he’d have to hightail it back to the compound with his tail between his legs. “What brings you here Paul?” She smiled down at her drink before looking up at him. Social awkwardness once again kicking in as her beauty was getting the best of him. His imaginative James Bond ego quivering and failing him as he sat staring at her. He hadn’t even noticed the bartender place his drink in front of him. An old fashion? What a suave drink to order, he’d never had one and would’ve never thought of it. He felt that the drink was her own version of a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.

She hadn’t intended to play with him like she was, a cat toying at the mouse. She couldn’t help it. His cover was increasingly crumbling and he had a handsome face behind the worried eyebrows and sheen of sweat on his forehead. His fake name wasn’t all that bad, but by the grimace and his stutter she knew that it wasn’t the one he had planned. She briefly considered calling him out and asking him with his other name was supposed to be. But that would end her little game and that wouldn’t be fun. Besides, her target had already walked in and was in a deep conversation across the room. She could toy with the handsome man in front of her for a few moments longer.

It took him an alarmingly long time to reply to her questions and she couldn’t help but wonder how in the world he had gotten this far with his lack of experience. “I uhm, work.” he managed before taking a deep gulp of the drink she had ordered him. She let out a giggled as she witnessed him trying not to cough of the tart taste. She nodded, taking a sip of her own drink and sparing a glance at her target.

He noticed and followed her gaze, his eyes comically widening as he landed on the man she was surveying. Ah ha, so they were after the same person. Her competitiveness tried to rear its ugly head, but she kept calm. A smile spreading on her lips as he looked back at her, eyes not as wide but still holding alarm. She wished she could tell him that he was being so transparent. He was lucky to have stumbled upon her, had any other informant witnessed what she was - they’d have ended him before he could have even sat down. Competition in this line of work always ended with the opponent last’s breath and had the curve of his jaw not enticed her, then this scenario would’ve played out differently. It wasn’t her place to advise him, however. He wasn’t a friend, colleague, or even a blimp on her professional radar. There was no telling who he worked for or the nature of his visit and the last thing she needed was to get caught up in the mess of an undercover whatever he was. Agent, would not have been a word she used to describe him.

His mind whirred with the realization that she was gazing at his target, with calculated eyes. She gave off vibes that were similar to other agents he had been around, but she couldn’t possibly be undercover? A girl who looked like that? She couldn’t have been any older than him, but her face was hardened with the life of operations, he realized. Not like Natasha’s or any of his other members, though. There was an innocence, but also edge, that held her posture. Maybe she was undercover and she was that good. He didn’t know what to do or say, the alcohol from his drink pooling in his stomach. Instantly regretting never taking Thor up on his offer of Asgaurdian liquor to build up his tolerance. Her glass was empty and by the way the bartender quickly retrieved the glass and replaced it with another indicated that it wasn’t her first drink of the night.

He had no idea how to proceed, her eyes were watching him and he felt that his every move was being scrutinized. He felt vulnerable, despite the technologically advanced suit that clung to his skin beneath the expensive tuxedo. He thought briefly about pulling out his phone and dialing for backup. After weeks of working towards this event, everything he had achieved began crumbling down before this beautiful girl with an agenda of her own.

No, he wasn’t going to let a pretty face ruin his chances of earning the respect of his team. He wasn’t about to call the team to come rescue his ass because he knew he’d never hear the end of it. He was going to see this through, even it meant having to take out the girl who was still smiling at him. That thought made the alcohol in his stomach churn harder.

She was running out of time. She wanted him to make the first move, curiosity getting the best of her and momentarily causing her to lose focus of her task. But he was taking too long and her target was talking to a buyer that she knew would seal the deal and she needed to start planning her tactic on how to get her target and the briefcase alone. His eyebrows furrowed and she could tell he was gathering he thoughts to speak, but a window of opportunity opened, just as her target walked into view just beyond ‘Paul’s’ head.

Y/n tried not to sound to rushed, but she knew her, “If you’ll excuse me” was too harsh and she could feel his eyes on her retreating figure. She put emphasizes on her hips, whether it was for the man at the bar or the man she was approaching - she wasn’t quite sure, but secretly hoped that it had grabbed both of their attention.

“Have you had a nice evening?” She spoke in a smooth voice that sounded nothing like her natural one. Placing a gentle hand on the upper arm of the man she had been seducing for the past few weeks. He smirked down at her, attempting to sultry in nature, but she found nothing about this man attractive. Not like the man who she had spoken to at the bar. She inwardly chided herself for getting distracted so easily.

She only gave him enough attention to leave him wanting more, suggesting about wanting to see him ‘in private’ for a moment, voice full of seduction as her hand sliding down his arm to his own. This would be her moment to grab the briefcase and make a fast getaway. She briefly hoped that ‘Paul’ wouldn’t get in to too much trouble for not accomplishing his mission. The man agreed, pulling her towards a nearby door. She looked over her shoulder, curious to see If he was still there. And he was, now standing, watching with wide eyes. she couldn’t help it, as she pulled the door closed - she sent him a wink and cheeky smile.

‘Camille’ - 1

‘Paul’ - 0

No, no no no no. NO. Oh God, no. I really fucked up. No! SHIT.

Peter quit attempting to mask his anxiousness as the girl and the briefcase disappeared behind a door guarded by two men nearly twice his size. How could he just let himself get distracted? Let the mission get away from him like that? What was he thinking? His inner voice sounded eerily like Steve’s as he chided himself for being so naive. He tried mapping out a scenario to get into the room. Maybe there was a window? He was about to sprint to a bathroom to don his mask. Maybe Karen could scope out the scene and give him some advice. But before he could even move an inch, chaos broke out.

The door his eyes somehow were still trained on busts open, guns being pulled out from random places and random people. Shots ringing out in different directions. Party goers who were just bystanders ducking and screaming. He watched as she elegantly avoided attacks, brief case clutched in her hand as she used it to defend herself and seek an exit. He tried not to focus too much on the blood that stained her gold dress. He could tell that she was struggling to get out of the sea of chaos, her eyes jotting around the room wildly as she fought gracefully and skillfully that wound have Natasha praising her movements.

Peter found himself jumping across the bar to a near window - busting it out with elbow and easily jumping to ground beneath him. He tried to think too much about his plans suddenly altered to aiding the beautiful girl in the gold dress.

Just make it to the door, just make it to the door. Y/n’s voce sang in her head and she weaved and battled her way through the chaos. She wished she had packed more than the small hand gun clasped in her other hand. It had been useful for injuring her target enough to retrieve the briefcase but now, she wished she had more heavy artillery. It took longer than she had wished for her to reach the door, hoping that backup had not yet been called her path to the car would be easy and quick.

She found the opposite as she kicked open the doors. The lavish driveway before her was nearly filled with more agents, all after the silver briefcase in her hand. She surveyed the scenarios, trying to find the quickest way out but fell short as more attackers came trudging her way, bullets starting to fire out in her direction. She was so focused on her next move she hadn’t yet noticed the sleek black Audi revving up towards her. Not until it was stopped in front of her.

Y/n’s hand rose the gun up to aim at the driver, deciding that taking the car was her best option at the point but she faltered as she realized who was staring down the barrel. His hand was raised in surrender as he opened the door across from him, other hand steadily on the wheel, bot flinching at the sound of bullets ricocheting off the exterior of his car. Everything in her past and all the training she had received told her this was a bad idea, that she could not possibly trust this man she had only meet moments ago at the bar. But as agents started to descend upon them at a faster rate, her options were limited and all it took was his sincere, “I’ve got you.” to get her to drop into the car.

Her door was barely shut before he revved the engine and speed off, dust and debris flying up being the wheels, a rapid sound of bullets dinging as they drove away. It was then she noticed that the car was somehow bulletproof and her stomach fell at the idea that maybe Paul was more high level than she had thought. She clutched the briefcase to the side opposite of him just in case, hand on the door, ready to open it and roll out. A sudden outburst of laughter cause her to stop, looking over at him with concern.

His face was lit up with a smile and his eyes crinkled as he let out his chuckle, “Well that’s not how I planned this day to go. What about you?” He looked over at her, smile still on his face. She didn’t know how to react; she had never see someone look so… so beautiful and naturally happy. His laugh was contagious and she found herself breaking out into a smile of its own volition.

“Not exactly.” She replied in a small voice. She knew she needed to ask about his next play, next move, what he thought was about to happen. But she didn’t want to. Not yet, at least. For the first time in her life she was enjoying a wholesome moment, where, despite the circumstance, she felt connected to another human being for once in her very short life.

Peter knew he needed to tell her that he was going to have to take that briefcase, that the world depended on it. But he couldn’t say anything just yet. He liked the way she smiled at him, how her eyes seemed to light up when they met his own. Despite his many infield successes, for the first time he felt that he had done something right. He had made his own decision for once, not based on what he thought the team would praise him for, but what he wanted to do. Peter didn’t regret his decision one bit, at least not in this moment.

Camille’s silence gave him hope that she was trying to hold onto to this moment as well. He wasn’t sure of the destination, or what would happen next. All he knew was that he was going to continuing driving as far as he could, as long as she stayed right there in his passenger seat.

“We need to get rid of this car.” She spoke quietly, looking out her passenger window. We, he thought looking between her and the road quickly. “They’ll try to track us down. I wasn’t able to… extinguish the target. He’s going to come after us.” She added, looking over at him. Hesitancy filled her eyes but he didn’t hesitate to agree. Even though Peter knew that this was going to end in one way, he decided that the right decision could wait just a little bit longer.

“I know a buyer that will cash out enough for both of us to profit.” Peter spoke, not sure where this idea had come from but just fleeting enough to decide that it was his best option. She didn’t reply instantly; he had broken the veil that she had put over situation. Forgetting about what brought her into the car and the cold metal of the briefcase seeping through her dress on to her skin.

“We can talk logistics later. Let’s… figure out how to lose our tail.”

He nodded in agreement and while they sat in silence, their minds are screaming.

A night, turned into two days, and two days morphed into a week.

She had never had a partner before, romantically or professionally. Yet, she adjusted to Paul’s presence rapidly and tried not to let that scare her too much. In the past, very little scared her. But the way her heart thumped when he smiled at her, frightened Y/n. It was all unrealistic, meeting him at a bar where they were both undercover - after the same prize. But she somehow found comfort in knowing that maybe his past was just as murky as her own. She began to trust him; feelings began to bloom in the most unlikely of circumstances. She felt free, untethered to her past. It was liberating, beautiful, and terrifying.

They were at a gas station, filling up the car that Paul had hotwired only hours before - their 3rd car in their trek to no-where. She was grabbing snacks, finding out that he had a rather childish palette and also discovering that maybe she had grown to be too uptight for her age. Somehow, the scared look on the cashier’s face didn’t alert her. Y/n never noticed them reaching for the telephone, a picture of her face plastered on the television behind the counter. WANTED in big red letters. She didn’t notice until it was too late - until he was busting in the door, yelling for her.

Instincts kicked in, she reached across the counter - grabbing the collar of the poor workingman and bashed his head in to the hard surface between them. Anger getting the best of her before she gathered as much of the junk food in her arms, dashing out behind Paul who looked shocked at her actions. She tried not to think about that too much. Sirens were getting closer and she could see the lights getting brighter. It felt as if it was taking him twice as long to get the engine started. Sparks flying for the stripped wires underneath the steering wheel as he desperately tried to get the car moving. She heard the bell of the station’s door ring - the telltale sound of a shotgun being loaded.

“go go GO.” she screamed, in time with the sound of the engine bursting to life. His foot immediately in the gas, dust flying up behind them as he maneuvered the car unto the road again. Siren closer than ever - blue and red lighting up the darkened interior of the car. The shotgun rang, but missed.

He was running from the police now. He was an Avenger, and he was running from the police. His moral compass was begging for him to stop this, but something in his heart told him to keep going. See how this played out, it would be worth it. He tried to remind himself of that. He managed to lose the police, and with directions from Camille, they found a new car and decided it would be best to turn in for the night. The sound of the shower was the only thing that filled the room as he sat at the edge of the bed. Phone in one hand, heart in the other, starting at his hazy reflection in the severely outdated boxed TV.

He could call his team right now, and they would fix everything. It would be simple and quick, painless even. He had almost convinced himself to do it. The pros outweighed the cons and this would be the right thing to do. But the sound of the shower brought him back to the moment, his thoughts flooding with the idea of her. Her. The girl who had consumed his conscious for the past 9 days. The girl who he knew nothing about, but felt everything for. He could see the life and the world in her eyes. The girl who had him rethinking his choices, who he was as a person. He had gone against every single one of his morals, but had never felt more free.

He acted as if he wasn’t lying to himself.

Her phone rang out a gentle tune just as she was about to get in the dingy motel shower. Hopes that the warm water would give her clarity on her next move. She couldn’t think straight in his presence. Never once had she formulated a plan that wouldn’t only benefit herself, but she found all her ideas ensured his safety - even if it meant risking her own.

She didn’t say hello, only answers the blocked number and placed the phone to her ear. Eyes locked on her reflection in the mirror. The voice on the other end caused her pulse to ring in her ears.

“I will find you.” The voice of her vengeful target hissed, “You’ve forgotten the power I have. The length of my reach. You will never be safe. I will get my property.”

She couldn’t think of a reply, the idea of letting Paul know was her first thought - but she immediately pushed that idea away as quickly as it came.

“Then make a deal.” She replied quietly, hoping the shower masked the sound of her voice. She knew she was in no place to bargain, but it wasn’t in her nature to turn over easily.

A harsh laugh echoed through the receiver, “You will give me my property and I will consider letting you live.”

“You forget that you have no idea who I really am. The reach that I have. I could end you, no matter who you’ve poisoned with your money. Did you think I was like those other girls you like to parade on your arm? Oh, baby, I am the best and worst thing you’ll ever have. I could end you in seconds.” She hissed, letting all the pent-up emotions she had kept to herself unleash. “I’ve kept this going because I like this little jet-set Bonnie and Clyde thing that’s going on right now. It’s entertaining… but I get bored real easy. And the last thing you want me to do is get bored.”

He didn’t reply instantly. Sat there in silence, mind probably going wild trying to worm his way out of this one while she stood there confidently. Reflection smirking back at her as she waited for him to catch her bait. She couldn’t live up to any of those threats, but what he doesn’t know will make her rich. After a few more beats, a quiet and defeated, “What do you want?” came through.

She smiled wickedly at her own success. “I want 1.2 million wired to an account in the Caribbean’s and 250k in cash at the drop off. You and I both know that I’m cutting you a deal.”

And she was, really. The highest bidder, and the reason she was even in this mess, had offered 2.3 billion for the retrieval of the item. The small device had that much power and a small part of her, the part that she referred to as still being human, felt that maybe she should to turn over to the good guys. She imaged that those Avengers guys would know what to do with it.

But 1.4 million was more than enough for her to sit her ass on beach for a couple of years. She had a fleeting thought of asking him to join her.

There was silence, as he thought over her demands. Neither of them wanted to budge, but he was the desperate one now.

“I will send you a location and you will be there within 24 hours.” came the hoarse words from the other side of the line. She had ruined this man with only a few minutes of her time. It made her feel powerful.

“One last thing.” she tried to keep her voice from wavering, “My partner walks free.”

“I didn’t call you to get a lecture. I called you get help.” Peter spoke quietly, standing outside the motel door. Eyes zeroed in on the slight crack he’d left open in the door to see when she came out of the shower. His heart was pounding and was regretting his choices in the past 4 minutes.

“This is really bad kid.”

“Yeah, Steve. I know. But I- I don’t have an excuse, okay? I did what I did and now I need you to help me.” Peter was all but pleading, irritation growing in his veins. Why wouldn’t he just agree to help already? It wasn’t like Captain America was one to leave a friend in need. I mean look at what he did for Bucky all those years ago. He could easily help Peter out with this, why was Steve hesitating?

“Who is she? Who does she work for?”

“None of that matters. Just know we’re leaving in the morning and I’ll tell you where- “

“You know I’m going to have to bring her in Peter. She’s a felon and-”

“And so am I as of 9 days ago.” Peter hissed back, defenses coming up to protect a girl he barely knew. He should’ve called Tony, he chided, listening closer into the room to make sure he hadn’t heard the shower turn off. He thought his enhanced ears could hear her talking, but it had only taken one night for him to realize she liked to softly hum in the shower. He couldn’t control his wide smile when he came across that little quirk.

“You’re a kid and you make mist- “

“You’re lecturing again.” Peter deadpanned.

Steve sighed, thumb and pointer finger pinching the bridge of his nose tight as he tried to sort this out in his mind. Thankfully no one knew exactly who Peter was, so if he made this quick and low-radar, then there would be little to no knowledge of Peter’s position as an accomplice. When Peter explained that he was with the girl who Steve had seen on the news, Steve suddenly felt his age kick in as his heart began beating out of his chest. What was the kid thinking? Of course, media and information systems didn’t know much about her, and even with recruiting Nat to get intel, still very little came up. But, there was just enough out there to know that she dealt the same services that Romanoff had once dealt herself.

“Send me your location tomorrow. Nat and I will be on standby.”

Peter felt the weight of the world on his shoulder fall off, his shoulder visibly slumping with relief. The shower turned off only seconds later.

“Steve - one last thing.”

“Yeah, kid?”

“You’ve gotta let her go.”

The gradual light coming through the cheap curtains woke her up first. The dusty room congesting her nose and making eyes itch. She turned over, noting that Peter was facing her - but still fast asleep. She had grown used to sharing a bed with him, she almost found… comfort in the heat that his body created under blankets. Keeping her usually cold feet warm for once. She peered at him, the sunlight behind him making his brown hair glow lighter. She wondered how crystal his eyes would look in sunlight. Not that she didn’t find his happy eyes already one of his best features. His face was relaxed and there was a small snore that resounded as his chest expanded with his breath.

She used to find that annoying with the other men she had been with, but with him, she found it endearing and grounding as she tried to fall asleep herself. She was wrecked. Her world turned upside in a way she had never anticipated. She had no family, or friends. She didn’t have personal connections that kept her in one place. But his presence made her want to be still for once. To enjoy moments like the sunset or a good movie on TV, commercials and all. She was finding contentment in the simple things, things that often bored or disinterested her, and it scared her.

His phone buzzed crossed the room and his eyes opened immediately with sound. She noticed that he had an ability to react before her, see things she couldn’t quite, and even pick out some noises she had never noticed. He heard sirens several moments before her hears could even try to pick up a sound. She figured that’s why whoever worked for chose him, despite his lack of experience, for the job. Y/n didn’t try to play off that she wasn’t looking at him, opting to give him a small smile and continue to study his face. She couldn’t read his emotions, but she could tell he was in deep thought, despite having only woken moments before. A small crease between his eyebrows.

It wasn’t until she noticed him subtly shifting closer to her that she pinned where exactly his thought might be. For the first time, she felt nervous about someone kissing her. Heart thumping as he neared, his eyes darting across her face to try and detect any hesitation. There was none on her features and she wasn’t opposed to the idea, but all these feelings she had felt, and tried to push away. She wasn’t sure what a kiss would mean to them. Y/n made no effort to stop him, even moving closer as well, hoping that he would take the move. Because for the first time in her life, she let someone else make the decision.

His nose nudged against hers gently, her eyes falling shut at the soft caress. She felt his thumb at her chin, tilting her head up slightly before placing his lips against her own. It was soft, and sweet, and gentle. A kiss she had never experienced before, one that made her chest feel hallow and full at all at once. That made her hands tremble and body calm. He continued to kiss her like she was fragile, and even thought she was the farthest thing from it, Y/n enjoyed being treated that way, cared for that way. Her hands came up to his neck, pulling her body closer to his, legs intertwining. Neither of them had the intention of going further, this felt more intimate than any other experience either of them had ever had.

Camille pulled away from him with a gasp, his eyes opened to find hers still closed, taking in the moment. Something about the way she looked that morning, peaceful, controlled, had all those emotions he had been pushing away come back into reality. He was nervous she would reject him, which he had experience more than enough of in his lifetime. But she didn’t falter as he moved closer and it gave him all the confidence in the world. Neither of them spoke, even after she opened her eyes to look back them. Voices trapped somewhere between their heart and mouth, unsure what to say, but wanting to say everything all at once.

His phone went off again, jolting him back to reality. Back to the realization that more existed outside of this dingy motel room and this moment with her. The weight of it on his shoulders once again, he only hoped she didn’t noticed the change in him. He gently rubbed his thumb across her bottom lip, before forcing himself to move away. She didn’t say anything, only moved to get up as well. The air in the room felt still, calm but at the same time a tinge of something that could build up to tension. Peter felt content in himself and with her, but everything beyond that door, that is what made him anxious and unsure.

Little is spoken between them as they gather their things, Peter saying that they need to get a move on. She follows along, neither agreeing or protesting. He wondered vaguely about her lack of communication. The past few days she had spoken up about his decisions, particularly those she disagreed on, but always let him know her thoughts. The radio silence worried him slightly, but he tried to push that way. There were much bigger things for him to worry about.

Y/n received the drop-off location about the same time that Peter got up to answer his own phone. It was a nicer hotel that had amenities like a bar and indoor pool. She rolled her eyes, of course the target would choose a location with a high rate of witnesses. She had wanted as little fallout as she could get, this was going to be a little more difficult that she had anticipated. Peter’s voice saying that they should probably get going brought her back into the room. Her thoughts still clouded her brain, strategies, exit points, things she often had a few days to prepare for, swimming around her head. She complied, not saying anything. Only stuffing her few things into duffel bag, they stole from a gas station a few days back and followed him out of the door.

The had been on the road for 5 hours now, when she decided to speak up. “I think I found a good hotel for us to stop at?” She flashed him her phone briefly, just enough for him to glance at before looking back at the road. One hand firmly on the wheel, the other on the gear shift. She briefly thought back to first time their stolen ride wasn’t an automatic and Peter became flustered behind the wheel, hands shifting sporadically everywhere, eyes darting about because it had been 10 minutes since they broke in and they still hadn’t drove away. She had been able to control her laughter just enough to direct him in out to get the car moving without flooding the engine, and proceeded to give him tips as he tore out of the parking lot. Peter was still red faced for 3 hours after. He looked almost proficient driving now, shifting gears smoothly and precise. Her eyes trailed over him, shamelessly checking him out before turning back to her phone.

Peter pretended not to notice, but a small smirk graced his lips despite it. She pretended not to notice.

“That looks a bit expensive.” He muttered.

She tried to stay nonchalant, if she showed a desperation to stay there - it might tip him off. “I think we deserve a nice bed and a bath in a hotel that’s actually clean for a night, don’t you?” She turned on her charm, as guilty as it made her feel. Never once had she manipulated him in the time they spent together since the Gala. It made her heart break to see him react like she wanted him to as she trailed her nails lightly up the forearm resting on the console between them.

He audibly gulped, “Y-yeah. I guess you’re right.”

She had to look out her window to hid the frown that fell on her lips. For once she felt guilty in doing her job, for once she felt dirty. He deserved more than coy smiles and deceit. He was making her soft, and she couldn’t tell if she hated it or loved it.

They made it to the drop site with 2 hours to spare, it was earlier than Y/n had expected but she became grateful at seeing just how busy this hotel was. She needed to strategize and it didn’t help that the lady at the front desk told them they’d have to wait another hour before their room was ready.

“Please enjoy our bar. One complimentary drink on us for your wait.”

Y/n could practically feel the anxiety radiating off Peter as they sat themselves at the bar. The irony of it didn’t go unnoticed to her. Even more so when Peter passed the drink voucher to the bartender and ordered an old fashioned. She smiled at him and laughed lightly, looking at her with an emotion that made her stomach flutter. She went to say something, but her phone vibrated in her jacket pocket. She excused herself to the bathroom, pausing for a moment to take him in. The way his curly hair framed his face, particularly that one curl that always stayed in his face. The way his brows scrunched as he concentrated on the TV across from them. The way his mouth looked as he took a drink of the old fashion. She wanted to remember him like this, not the face of disappointment and betrayal that he would have by the end of this.

She was hoping, praying, everything and above, that this would be last time she would see him. Before she could stop herself, she gently grabbed his chin after he set the drink down, turning his face to hers. She had caught off-guard, his eyebrows furrowing with concern as he noticed the inevitable look on her face. She tried to hide it, but she knew she was failing. She gave him a small smile in attempt to soothe his thoughts. She pulled him close, placing a gentle kiss on his lips, then his cheek before pulling away.

“Don’t wait for me.” She whispered, before getting up to leave.

He laughed lightly, slightly confused but called after her that he’ll find her when the room is ready. She didn’t reply, but kept walking. Tears in her eyes and throat and chest constricted as she kept a sob locked down.

Peter watches her walk away, noting that he steps look heavier than usual. Concern enters his mind but doesn’t have time to linger as his phone goes off on the bar infant of him. It’s Steve, saying their arrival is less than 5 minutes. He’s grateful that she’s not here, meaning he sneak out with the briefcase that holds the device. He hoped he would be able to see her one more time before he had to leave, but he doubted that would happen. He was lost in his thoughts of her when gun fire deafened his heightened hearing. He reached for his ears before jumping into action. People in the lobby were scattering.

Gun fire was going off from two ends of the hotel. Peter recognized the uniforms of some, others looked like civilians carrying military grade weapons. It was a set up. Peter panicked, calling out for Camille and attempting to go in her direction. A firm hand stopped him,

“Where’s the device?” Steve’s voice was firm, but there was a relief sound to it. The kid had made it out unscathed and even though shit was hitting the fan, Peter wasn’t in the crosshairs. Peter spun to wear the briefcase had been tucked at his feet at the bar, but faltered when he realized it was gone. He paled, trying to retrace everything. His eyes fell on Steve when he realized… “Where’d she go?” The relief in Steve’s was gone, his face was hard and he was now in mission mode. Peter fumbled but couldn’t make words. How could she? Why would she? Is the reason that-? Steve didn’t wait for an answer, pushing Peter of the way so he could set off on tearing the place apart to find her. Peter knew he wouldn’t though.

Chaos was erupting around him, but all he could do was sit back down at the bar. Defeated, hopeless, lost. He reached for the old fashion and downed in one go.

Another hand on placed itself on his shoulder and Peter spun around to get ready to argue with Steve, but stopped in place.

“You’ve got a lot of explaining to do, Paul.” the mask of the Iron Man suit lifting away to reveal a tired and irritated Tony.

“How’d you- Did Steve?”

Tony started fiddling with a blueprint of the hotel, heat signature popping up and showing a crowded room on the 8th floor. “Your girlfriend called.” Was all he said before jetting off in the direction of 803, what was to be his and Camille’s bedroom.

It happened all too fast. Before Y/n knew it, guns were going off and she was fighting 10 men on her own. She took down the target in one movement, leaving him bleeding on the floor and his men scattering for revenge. What she wasn’t aware of was the onslaught of S.H.I.E.L.D. tactical teams barging in on the place. She had called Stark Industries, at their last gas station stop. Leaving a voicemail with a very concerned lady that detailed what was about to down, telling them that no matter what - her accomplice had nothing to do with anything and he knew nothing.

Y/n knew not to trust the target, and knew that she couldn’t return this device to him. She kind of liked this stupid planet she lived on, and didn’t want to see it’s destruction in her time. She only hoped that the Avengers would go easy on Paul. She had to leave him there to get away herself. And that left knots in her stomach but traitors like them never win. She managed to grab the money bag and, just as an explosion happened at the hotel door, shoot out the window of the room. Escaping just as Tony and Steve, equally surprised to see the other’s presence, enter the room to see the men she had taken out.

It took Peter a moment for his brain to catch up with his body as he darted after Tony. His stealth suit coming in handy underneath his clothes. It didn’t take him long to catch up, but he was frozen in place as soon as he arrived. The room was trashed, bodies lying across the floor. Tony and Steve stood beside the bed, the briefcase Peter recognized that was supposed to have the device between them, opened. They looked at him, waiting for his move.

Peter stepped up to the bed to find the device still safely tucked away, a note taped to it.

“I’m sorry” scrawled in quick but neat letters.

Tony nor Steve spoke as Steve gathered the suitcase, closing it, and then putting it their own protection case. They left, Tony gently patting Peter as he stood there, staring at the note in his hand.

#adult!peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker fic #mcu peter parker x reader #marvel fic

93 notes · View notes

the-awkward-outlaw · 4 years

Note

While I love all the smut, I crave for drama to happen between Arthur and reader. I loved the jealous Arthur post you've written and the bits of drama in your fanfic but how will he handle if the reader is one who is jealous and it leads into a heated argument, where the reader almost breaks up with him? Or vice versa.

Okay, this was supposed to be short, but I just wrote ten pages for this. God, why couldn’t I have had this motivation in college! Anyways, hope you like it!

You’ve been at this stupid ball in Saint Denis for a little over an hour. The mayor of the city was throwing it for the Italian big suit that kidnapped Jack. You were suspicious about the whole thing immediately. Why in the hell would the man who kidnapped Jack and then returned him invite Dutch and the others to a ball? Definitely strange, but it was above you when it came to information. Dutch and Hosea explained to you and Tilly that they wanted you both to come in order to help them blend in a bit more with the crowd. Easier to pick up on contacts and potential future schemes.

You’ve always hated balls. Having to dress up, look perfect in order to impress people you’ll never like anyways. You’d take an old, dirty pair of jeans and work shirt anyday over all these damn layers. There couldn’t be a worse torture than this.

You’re waiting in the courtyard while Dutch and Arthur meet with this Bronte man. Hosea and Bill are mingling in the crowd, Tilly’s getting involved with a group of young men who seem to find her interesting. Dutch told you to go mingle as well, but that isn't your thing. You don’t “mingle”.

You head over to the banquet tables where fruits, cakes and other delicacies are being offered. You hope Arthur will come down soon. You’ve been involved with him for quite some time now and things couldn’t be going better. He’s the perfect companion. You couldn’t design a better man. His only flaw is his insecurities in himself and it sometimes tends to make him a bit jealous. Not that you mind. You get jealous when passing women eye him hungrily.

When you’re standing next to the table, you grab a glass of champagne and are about to ask the man behind the table for a piece of cake when you hear your name being called. You turn and see not Arthur, but a man you haven’t seen since you were fairly young. His name immediately springs into your mind. Benjamin Dowel. When you were fourteen, you lived in the same town as him and held a massive crush on him. He never knew this of course. Most of the teen girls in town had a thing for him, you were just another face in the crowd. But your relationship back then had been different. You were close friends through your teens until his father got a job in Saint Denis and his family moved down here. You wonder quietly how he wound his way into such an illustrious event as this.

“Y/N!” he says again, stopping from you only a few feet away. You smile and then notice his suit. White jacket and shirt, white bow tie and black dress pants. Exactly like all the other waiters.

“Benjamin!” you say, ignoring his position. “Oh my God, how many years has it been? You look great!” And he does look great. His ears aren’t nearly as large and his skin’s cleared up. It doesn’t help that he’s got a pleasant square shape to his shoulders, though that could be the jacket. He’s still handsome with his dark hair and eyes, plus his smile is still enough to make any woman swoon. It’s no surprise he’s even more attractive now than he was all those years ago.

“Y/N!” he says, gesturing to you. “You look… wow, you look great!”

You blush and clasp your hands. “Thanks. So… you’re a waiter here?”

“Yeah.” He goes on to tell you that when he turned 18, his father demanded he get his own job, so he found a position working as a waiter at the saloon, but would work events like this. He’s been doing it for nearly ten years now as it is good work and pays well enough.

For the next little while, you and Benjamin continue to talk and reconnect. You’re reminded why you had a crush on him for so long. He’s sweet, observant, funny and has an unwaverable sense of loyalty to his father. You’re constantly aware that Arthur’s around here somewhere and he’d be furious if he saw you flirting with this guy. However, he has no room to talk. You know that if Mary called on him again, he’d be off to see her faster than you could blink.

You’ve always been jealous of Mary. She treated Arthur horribly and yet he let her keep a hold of him that you’ve never been able to understand. There’s no doubt in your mind that if things went the way Arthur wanted, he’d pick Mary over you. After all, you’d seen her. She’s beautiful, smart and not afraid to voice her opinions. It’s no secret that Arthur views you as just a second choice. He’d rather have you than be alone, but Mary is still his preferred option. That knowledge has always been a sore you’ve worked hard to hide.

A reasonable amount of time has passed and Arthur hasn’t come to find you. He must be out trying to find the mayor. It’s given you and Benjamin a lot of time to chat. You ask him at one point if he needs to return to work, but he just shrugs and says you’re worth getting fired for. The two of you head off the edge of the courtyard near a nearly empty gazebo. He’s moved much closer to you than you’re almost comfortable with, but you don’t step away.

“Y/N, can I tell you a secret?” he asks. You nod. “When we were kids, I, uh, I was really sweet on you.” He’s blushing worse than you’ve ever seen and rubbing the back of his head.

You blush too. “Oh, Benjamin. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Because I knew there was no way you felt the same. And we were such good friends. I didn’t want to ruin that.”

“Well, you should have,” you smile. “I was sweet on you too.”

He smiles again, almost as though he couldn’t believe it. His hands come up and settle just above your elbows. He squeezes lightly and moves even closer.

“You were always pretty,” he whispers, “but now you’re damn near radiant.” He leans down and places a soft kiss on your lips. It’s so sudden that you’ve no time to react, no chance to tell him about you and Arthur. Plus you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t always been curious what his lips feel like.

You’re waiting for that spark though, now that he’s kissing you. Instead, you feel nothing. Not like when you first kissed Arthur. When that happened, there was definitely something there. But with Benjamin, there’s not even the sense of remorse or guilt. Just nothing.

You pull away. “Benjamin, I… I can’t. You’re a great guy and my closest friend growing up, but-”

You’re cut off by the sound of breaking glass. The two of you turn and see Arthur stomping away, everyone else watching him, and a broken champagne glass only a few yards from you. Shit, there’s no question he witnessed what just happened.

“I have to go,” you say, squirming out of Benjamin’s grasp. You chase after Arthur, calling his name, but he doesn’t respond. You see him in the darkness heading off the mayor’s property and towards the swampy pond, its banks dotted in manicured flowers.

“Arthur!” you call again as he stops near the water. He turns to you and his eyes are angry and betrayed. Your stomach drops, but you run up to him anyways.

“Arthur, let me explain. I didn’t mean-”

“You didn’t mean for me to see that shit, am I right?” he snarls.

“No, that’s not what I was going to say. He kissed me, not the other way around.”

“Who is that feller anyways?”

You sigh and explain how you know Benjamin. Arthur’s eyes darken further.

“So he’s your ‘what if’ guy, am I correct?” he demands.

“I… I guess so. Arthur please, what he did was the last thing I wanted to happen. You know I’d never cheat on you.”

“Do I?”

You’re taken back by his response and a little offended. “Yes, Arthur you do. You know I’d never betray your trust and I know, or at least I hope, I have the same courtesy from you.”

“And what the hell does that mean?”

“You know exactly what it means, Arthur!” you say, your temper flaring. “Don’t lie to me and say that if that Mary didn’t say ‘Oh Arthur, I need you’ that you wouldn’t go galloping off to her. We both know that’s exactly what you’d do. I ain’t stupid, Arthur.”

He glowers down at you, his jaw tight. “That ain’t fair, Y/N! You know that ain’t the way it is-”

“Yes it is, Arthur! I know for a fact that I’m better than you being alone, but if things were different, you’d pick her. A thousand times over and over again! So don’t you dare tell me that it isn’t fair!”

“You always been jealous of Mary,” he hisses. “You always suspected the worst of me whenever her name is even mentioned.”

“And have you proven me wrong, Arthur? In Horseshoe Overlook, you went tromping off to her. It didn’t matter we’ve been together for over a year, you still went to her. And then what did you do? You lied to me, said you were just going off to tell her to stop pestering you. But I know for a fact you went in hopes she’d take you back!”

“And how the hell would you know that?”

“Because I followed you, Arthur! Forgive me for being suspicious, but I had to know for sure. I know your past with her and so I doubted you were going to tell her goodbye. And guess what? I was right! You went chasing after her brother hoping that she’d see how good of a man you are and want you back again.”

“You seriously followed me? Well so much for us having a trusting relationship!” he roars.

“Yeah, I know it was a shit move on my part, but like I said, I’ve always known you’d choose her over me. I know if she ended up saying she actually wanted you back, you’d have come back to me and said things were over. I know I’m not a prize, Arthur!”

You’re crying at this point and you’re hurt and upset. Not once has Arthur said you were wrong, that you were what he wanted. You can tell by the look in his eyes he’s not planning on contradicting you either.

“It’s not fair,” you go on, more quietly this time, “for you to still be pining for Mary and for me to not have anyone else in case this doesn’t work. You have no idea how much it hurts to know you still love her and to know you’d just toss me aside so easily the moment she says your name.”

You wipe your cheeks, waiting for him to say something. His face is still dark, his eyes glaring at you. “Yeah, but I don’t go around kissin’ people from my past. Especially in front of you. What you just did hurts too, Y/N.”

His words are enough to confirm your fears. He loves Mary more than he’ll ever love you. Nothing you can do or say can change that.

“You know what, Arthur?” you finally say. “We’re done. I’m not going to compete for your affections. Not with some silly woman like Mary who isn’t even around. It’s not fair to me for you to be jealous and for me to just be okay with you wanting Mary. I can’t do it anymore.”

His eyes widen. “Y/N, no. Ya don’t need to do this.”

“Yes I do, Arthur. I’m never going to have you the way I want, so I’m not going to try anymore. It’s over. I’ll move my things out of your room back at Shady Belle.”

Before he has the chance to say anything further, you run off towards the street. You should be going back to Dutch and the others, it’d be the easiest way for you to get back to camp, but Arthur will surely be there too. You can’t bear to be around him anymore, so you wander the streets for a moment until you see the other guests’ horses lined up, waiting for their masters. The boy watching over them is napping, so you pick the horse farthest from him and canter off. You don’t care that the boy is calling and hollering for you to come back. You have to get away.

When you’re back in camp, you head immediately up to your shared room. Or what was your shared room. There, you strip out of this stupid dress and tear off the jewelry. You leave them on the chair near the table. They were gifts from Arthur; you don’t want them anymore. You change quickly back into your everyday clothes and quickly pack up your belongings.

You head outside and towards the two wagons where the other girls sleep. When you first joined the gang, there wasn’t really any room for you, so you slept under the wagons. It was actually kind of nice because it was covered from the elements and you didn’t have another person on either side of you. You stuff your belongings under the wagon again and roll out your bedroll. Mary-Beth asks what you’re doing, but you wave her off, not really in the mood to explain what just happened.

When your things are set out the way you like, you’re not really tired enough to go to bed, plus you’re still hurt and angry. You also know Arthur’s likely to come find you and want to talk, but that’s the last thing you want. You head off to the boathouse behind the manor and sit on a rickety chair you’ve seen Strauss occupying multiple times.

It’s late in the night when you hear the sounds of the coach rolling back in and Dutch’s loud voice carries over to you, though you can’t really make out what he’s saying. Your stomach tightens almost painfully as you worry about if anyone will tell Arthur where you’ve gone. An hour passes though and he doesn’t. Finally, you feel safe enough to go and try to get some sleep under your wagon.

A few very awkward days pass and Arthur still has not tried to talk to you. Now that your anger is finally gone, you feel somewhat hurt that he hasn’t. Even though it was you who broke things off, you didn’t want to. You had to in order to protect yourself, but you still love him. He must be satisfied with things being the way they are. Hell, he’s probably daydreaming about Mary, or worse, he’s actively looking for her. A letter from her came to him the day after you broke up and Arthur’s been running off to the city a lot.

The other girls try to get you to talk about what’s going on, but you still don’t really want to. Dutch has even approached you and tried to smooth things over, but you wonder if Arthur asked him to. You never saw it, but Hosea spoke to Arthur and gave him a few honest opinions, trying to help him straighten things out as far as how he felt about things.

Part of you wonders if maybe it’s time to leave the gang. Arthur is such a vital part of it, he’s involved with pretty much everything. You won’t be able to do any jobs anymore without him being involved in some way or another. You come to the decision that you’ll just go off on a hunting trip for a few days. You’ve done it plenty of times before, so Dutch won’t think anything of it. And maybe, if you end up preferring the isolation, you’ll just end up not coming back.

You pack up your bedroll but leave most of your other possessions behind. Most of them are gifts from Arthur anyways. A picture of some wolves he got from a photographer, another photograph of you and Arthur taken from a few weeks back. You feel a pang when you look at it. He looks so happy. You lay it back down and then crawl out from under the wagon, hop up onto your horse and leave. No one stops you, they all know at this point you and Arthur aren’t together anymore. You secretly despise their mixed looks of disappointment and pity. The likelihood that you’ll ever see any of them again is small.

Once you’re away from Shady Belle, you gallop north towards New Hanover. You have not enjoyed Lemoyne much. Too hot and humid. You prefer the green and blue hues of the Heartlands. The change of scenery is a welcome relief. The vast open landscape feels incredible. You realize now that you’ve been cooped up in that swamp for too long. You’ve needed this.

Game is plentiful and you do some hunting, catching a few deer and rabbits. You only take what you can carry on your horse in case you end up not going back. Right now, you don’t want to at all. It feels good to be out here on your own, enjoying the warmth and the light. No one’s around to bicker or perform mindless chatter. In fact, no one’s around at all. It’s all wonderful.

When night comes, you pitch your tent in case it rains. You stock your fire and cook some of the meat. Instead of Pearson’s usual stew, you treat yourself to a can of beans, an apple and some fresh cooked venison. Stars twinkle above you, reminding you of your newly acquired freedom.

While it’s been nice to be out here on your own and take a few steps back from life with the gang, you find yourself missing company. Particularly Arthur’s. You spent many nights with him out in the wilderness and they ended up being some of the best times. It wasn’t just that you could be as loud as you wanted while fooling around with him, but all the walls between you came tumbling down. You could be yourselves. You find yourself crying again at the thought that it would never happen again.

Somehow, you end up falling asleep. In the morning, you lie inside your tent, feeling slightly miserable. You don’t know what’s going to happen. You don’t really want to abandon the gang and Arthur, but you don’t know if you can manage to live with them and him like this. You don’t want to end up like John and Abigail, barking angrily at each other at every turn. At least you and Arthur didn’t have a kid together.

The smell of roasting coffee beans wafts into your tent. Did you make some last night and forget about it? No, you couldn’t have. You never have coffee except early in the day since it keeps you up too long. The thought that some stranger might be in your camp going through your stuff sends a jolt down to your stomach and makes you get up quickly. When you get outside, you find not a stranger, but Arthur.

He’s kneeling down next to the fire, cooking some fresh meat on your grill. From the percolator you can hear water bubbling a little and steam coming from the spout. That explains the coffee smell. Arthur looks up when you come out, his face blank. Your stomach clenches tighter. He’s probably come to finish the fight.

“Arthur, I-” you begin, feeling defensive.

“You ain’t gotta be worried, sweetheart,” he says, his eyes hidden beneath his hat. He pours some coffee into a tin cup and hands it to you. “Why don’t you come sit down?”

You hesitate and then accept his cup, sitting down on the opposite side of the fire. Having no idea what to say, you take a sip of your coffee. An awkward silence passes between you for a few moments before Arthur finally says something.

“Y/N, I um, I didn’t come here to beg you to take me back. I ain’t gonna put that kinda pressure on ya. But I did want to try and apologize, but you never gave me the chance at that ridiculous party.”

“I’ve been in camp with you three days, Arthur. You could have come talk any time.”

“I know, but I wanted to talk with you alone, but you were always with someone. It was like… I don’t know, felt like ya didn’t want me to.”

“I didn’t,” you admit. “We said our things at the party, Arthur. There isn’t more to say.”

He looks down at the fire. “Maybe for you. But please, Y/N, give me the chance to talk?”

You recognize that he’s asking and not demanding, so you nod. He sighs and rubs his eyes for a moment.

“What you said about me and Mary. Well, you were right. If she said even the tiniest word, I woulda gone to her. But these past few days without you have been tougher than all the years I spent without Mary. When she broke things off, my heart was broken. But when you broke things off. My heart wasn’t broken, it was just gone. I’ve taken ya for granted, Y/N. And you were right. It ain’t fair of me to accuse you of tryin’ to start things with other men when I’ve kept Mary in the wings for so long.”

Arthur stands up and approaches your side of the fire and sits down. He leaves several inches between you out of respect. “Y/N, I said I wasn’t gonna beg ya to take me back, and I’m not. However, if you wanted to reconsider trying again, I just want ya to know I’ll always be waitin’ for you. I’m willing to leave Mary in my past where she belongs. I guess I’m just hoping you’ll be in my future.”

You’re trying not to cry again. You know when Arthur’s lying and his voice and just his energy says he’s being as authentic as ever. Your logic is telling you to say no, to leave things off. But that’s always been your problem. You’ve always listened to your brain more than your heart, which was why you were automatically suspicious when his first letter for Mary came. Maybe if you listened more to your heart, things would be different now.

Arthur sighs again, looking away. “Anyways, I just wanted to set the record straight between us. I understand and I’ll respect your decision.”

Arthur gets up and starts walking towards his horse, forgetting the meat he left on the grill to cook. If you let him leave now, the door to your future with him will close forever. You can’t let that happen and so you launch to your feet.

“Arthur!” you wail, running up to him. He turns to be almost knocked off his feet by you throwing your weight at him. Before you can control yourself, you’re sobbing into his chest. He says nothing, but he wraps his arms around you, holding you tight and sets his chin on your head. He’s warm and familiar. You’ve buried yourself into him like this many times. His scent envelopes you, only adding to the range of emotions rushing through you.

After a few moments, he loosens his hold and pulls you away slightly, giving you the grin that shows his wonky tooth. You love when he smiles like that. He dries your cheeks with his fingers before pulling a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

“Hey, you’re okay,” he says softly. You sniff and nod, feeling like you must look like a child. His hands find yours, rubbing them softly. “So… I hope it’s not too soon to ask, but-”

You shake your head and cut him off. “It’s not, Arthur. And yes, I’m willing to try again.” He smiles again and all you want him to do is hold you again. As if reading your mind, he pulls you back into his arms, letting you rest your head into the crook of his neck. His right hand settles on your lower back and his left wraps around your shoulders.

“You’re too good for me, darlin’, but I’m grateful you’re giving me a second chance. I love you.”

#arthur morgan #red dead fanfic #awkward asks #rdr2 fanfic #I'm awkward

50 notes · View notes