#we made an effort to watch a lot of 'film school' type movies this year so that's why some of the films are so highbrow lol
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BOOKS & FILMS I FIRST READ/WATCHED IN 2022 THAT I RATED 4 OR MORE STARS
BOOKS
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (1969) by Maya Angelou
Ways of Seeing (1972) by John Berger
Blacksad (2006) by Juan Díaz Canales & Juanjo Guarnido
Saints and Strangers (1985) by Angela Carter
Discourse on Colonialism (1950) by Aimé Césaire
Stories of Your Life and Others (2002) by Ted Chiang
Are Prisons Obsolete? (2003) by Angela Y. Davis
Demons (1873) by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Absalom, Absalom! (1936) by William Faulkner
33 ⅓: J Dilla’s Donuts (2014) by Jordan Ferguson
Capitalist Realism: Is There No Alternative? (2009) by Mark Fisher
The Black Jacobins: Toussaint L’Ouverture and the San Domingo Revolution (1938) by C.L.R. James
The Broken Heart of America: St. Louis and the Violent History of the United States (2020) by Walter Johnson
Horror: A Very Short Introduction (2021) by Darryl Jones
Red Pill (2020) by Hari Kunzru
White Tears (2017) by Hari Kunzru
Bartleby, the Scrivener (1853) by Herman Melville
Selected Poems (1912 - 1950) by Edna St. Vincent Millay
Socialism: A Very Short Introduction (2005) by Michael Newman
The Sympathizer (2017) by Viet Thanh Nguyen
The God of Small Things (1997) by Arundhati Roy
Antony and Cleopatra by William Shakespeare (1606)
Macbeth by William Shakespeare (1606)
Timon of Athens by William Shakespeare (1605 - 1606)
Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail (2012) by Cheryl Strayed
The Little Stranger (2009) by Sarah Waters
The Cambridge Companion to American Gothic (2017) by Jeffrey Andrew Weinstock (ed.)
FILMS
It Happened One Night (1934) dir. Frank Capra
Bicycle Thieves (1948) dir. Vittorio De Sica
The Northman (2022) dir. Robert Eggers
Battleship Potemkin (1925) dir. Sergei Eisenstein
Smoke Signals (1998) dir. Chris Eyre
Let’s Scare Jessica to Death (1971) dir. John Hancock
Grizzly Man (2005) dir. Werner Herzog
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) dir. Tobe Hooper
Whisper of the Heart (1995) dir. Yoshifumi Kondō
First Blood (1982) dir. Ted Kotcheff
Dr. Strangelove (1964) dir. Stanley Kubrick
Eyes Wide Shut (1999) dir. Stanley Kubrick
M (1931) dir. Fritz Lang
Do The Right Thing (1989) dir. Spike Lee
The Green Knight (2021) dir. David Lowery
My Neighbor Totoro (1988) dir. Hayao Miyazaki
A Matter of Life and Death (1946) dir. Michael Powell & Emeric Pressburger
Pig (2021) dir. Michael Sarnoski
The Fall (2006) dir. Tarsem Singh
Prey (2022) dir. Dan Trachtenberg
Citizen Kane (1941) dir. Orson Welles
The Animatrix (2003) dir. various
#we made an effort to watch a lot of 'film school' type movies this year so that's why some of the films are so highbrow lol#books#movies
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A Picture With Sis
Hey
The short text message had popped onto my phone screen unexpectedly. It was from my baby sister, Noah. I had recently had to move back in with our parents after a few personal disasters in my own life, so I was suddenly seeing a lot more of her. Which was very strange, as I had left home for school and then work on the opposite side of the country when she was all of twelve. Now she was nineteen and...honestly still as much of a brat as when I left. While she had grown, she remained short and flat as a washboard. The real draw--not for me, her older brother, of course--was her ass. Noah ran track in high school and still found time to jog almost every morning. This gave her a bubble butt that she constantly kept in shape and loved to show off.
What's up I texted back
I waited as those three unholy "still typing dots" danced on screen.
R u gonna be home tonight?
Yeah, probably.
Do u want to watch a movie or something.
Now, this was very odd. As long as I had been back, Noah had wanted nothing to do with me. Like I said, she was still a bit of a brat, even as an adult. I didn't take it too personally. Honestly, before I was forced to come home, I never made much of an effort to visit. I talked to my parents on the phone, but Noah always seemed busy with her own life and her own friends. I was far away and she was busy growing up. Maybe that's all it was: a little sister wanting to reconnect with a sibling she hadn't seen hide or tail in seven years.
I'd be down for a movie.
She "heart" reacted and texted back: ok, what should we watch?
Hey, isn't this your idea???
I know, but I never know what to pick :( That's why I never watch movies alone.
You're on Netflix all the time?
Uh, watching tv? like a normal person???
Okay, I'll pick something out that we'll both like.
She heart reacted again and replied: it's a date.
The conversation wrapped up after that, but it was still all so strange. It's a date. That seemed so out of character for Noah to say, especially to me of all people.
I decided I was overthinking it and got back to my day. After all, part of me was looking forward to getting a chance to just hang out with my sister. The only hurdle now was picking a good movie.
(- - -)
Evening rolled around and I made my way to the living room. I had to pass by the kitchen to get there and found Noah by the oven.
"Are you cooking something?" I asked her.
Noah turned to me and for a second, I was struck by how much she'd grown up while I was gone. I gave her a hard time, but she really had become a beautiful woman. She had on a blue dress that complimented the runner's body she had given herself. After wearing her hair short for years, she had grown out her dark curls to perfectly frame her face. When her eyes caught mine, I froze in place.
"Yeah," she said, "I'm making us some pizza for our movie."
"You didn't want to just
order out?"
Noah made a mock offended expression, "Are you scared to try my cooking?"
I laughed and replied, "No, I'm sure it'll be great. I guess I'm just used to movie nights being low threshold events. Order out, stream something, pass out on a couch..."
"Oh, like all your movie nights end on a couch," she said, rolling her eyes. Again, it was a strange comment. I was talking about watching movies in general, and suddenly she's accusing me of Netflix and Chilling...not that she was off base. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely one of those kids who used "cinephile" as a personality description for a couple years, but I wasn't above using the storied medium of film as a pretense to invite a girl over and hopefully get a piece of ass.
Which made the whole situation stranger because Noah was obviously not a piece of ass. I wouldn't deny that I thought she was very attractive, but that was an objective aesthetic response. I already had no idea where this night was going.
(- - -)
Noah pulled her pizza out of the oven --- diced chicken, banana peppers, black olives, and a creamy alfredo sauce for toppings--- and we settled on our parents' couch to stuff our faces and watch something.
"Are Mom and Dad going to join us?" I asked.
Noah gave me a funny look and then said, "Nah, they've got a thing?"
"A thing?"
"Yeah," she said, and I didn't press further. Like I said, this night was getting weird.
I clicked through the myriad of apps on our parents' smart tv to my desired choice. It was a sort of fantasy-western mash-up movie that was a few decades old but I had been wanting to see for a long time. I was about to hit play when Noah stopped me.
"So, I was thinking..." she started to say.
"Yeah?"
"Did you maybe wanna drink while we're watching?"
Alcohol. In my experience, alcohol was not a good way to make it through the full runtime of a movie, especially when a cute girl was involved. What was going on? What was Noah thinking?
Of course, I had an obvious justification: she still couldn't buy alcohol herself. Our parents weren't super-conservative, but I imagine Noah wasn't getting quite as much booze in her living in their house as she had been during the school year.
"Sure, I could use a drink," I said, deciding not to argue the point, "I hope vodka's okay?"
"Vodka's my favorite!" Noah practically shouted. It was almost cute, "What do you have for mixers?"
"Uh, I don't know, check the kitchen."
"What you don't mix your drinks?"
"Straight vodka, baby," I told her, "I'm sure we can find you something. Maybe a screwdriver?"
"No," she said, her hand grabbing at my wrist, "I'll drink it straight."
The touch was unexpected. It rattled me a little. The whole night already had an off vibe and now this. Should I really be drinking with
my little sister? She was family.
It would be fine.
"Okay, I'll be right back," I said. Noah squealed in delight and gave me a peck on the cheek. I just smiled and averted my eyes, quickly making my way to my room for my secret stash. While Noah had only asked for vodka, I had paraphernalia for a few "other things" we could do, but I didn't want to push it. The last thing I needed was my kid sister trying to press me for weed and Adderall at odd hours of the night.
I made my way back to the kitchen with the bottle. Noah had already put out some glasses with ice.
"Oh, you used coasters, even," I said as I poured us each a drink.
"Well, of course," she said, "I'm not an animal."
We laughed and settled in to finally start the movie.
(- - -)
An hour later, I was seriously questioning my thought process over the course of the day.
We still had an hour of the film to go and had put a serious dent in the vodka. I was feeling pretty loose, so I could only imagine how Noah was holding up. Even after I had stopped pouring drinks for her, she just started to help herself. Tiny as the girl was, she drank like a monster.
None of this was the upsetting part, but it definitely enabled it: Noah and I were cuddled up like horny freshmen on a first date. We had been sitting close together at the beginning, but by this point in the movie she was basically on top of me. My little sister was sitting in my lap in a dress that I was suddenly very aware of being much, much too short. It had all happened pretty imperceptibly. It seem like she shifted herself a little closer to me every few minutes, but the more we drank, the less I thought of it. It was only in a brief moment of clarity that I realized we looked like that couple at a house show whose age difference you cringe at a little but don't say anything about. Sure, I lusted after eighteen year-olds the same as anyone, but once I left college and hit the real world, I gave up on hitting the high of that brand of fresh, young...you get the idea.
So that it was happening now, with my little sister of all people, was a little upsetting. Not that she seemed to mind: she was the one who had devoted the past hour to slowly planting herself in my lap. The weight of her ass pressed down on my crotch and it was honestly driving me insane.
At this point, I still had no idea what her game was, and I was so inebriated I couldn't think straight enough to make sense of what was going on, much less stop it.
In this haze of alcoholic and sexual confusion, I was ill prepared for Noah to turn to me with half-lidded eyes and a little smile on her face.
"This is a really, really good movie," she said, her words slurring a little, "You always pick such good movies."
She gave me a kiss on the lips and then added, "I love you."
"I love you too," I said back. It was all I could think to say. Events and feelings were piling up that I suddenly had no tools to make sense of. I was completely ill-equipped to understand what was going on.
"Really?" she asked, "because I love you lots and lots."
Noah had turned around and was now straddling my hips with her bare legs. Her hands found my shoulders and then the back of my neck. This was completely out of control. Her eyes still had that sexy half-lidded look. What was happening?
"Do you love me, lots and lots?" she asked.
This was when I started to lose control. My hands found Noah's hips and grasped them firmly, trying to hold her in place, afraid whatever illusion we were indulging in might collapse. I stared at her face. She really did have a beautiful face.
"Do I need to show you how much love you?" I asked her. I had no idea what I was doing. I was putting the moves on my sister, feeding her the kind of line I would feed some indie bimbo I met at a party or on tinder.
But Noah just bit her lip and nodded her head.
So I kissed her.
This wasn't a quick kiss like the last couple she had given me. We were making out. Her little pink tongue wrestling with mine. I started to laugh.
"What's so funny?" she asked, laughing too but also a bit indignant.
"You taste like pizza," I said. She started laughing harder and started kissing me again. We went at it like that for a while until I realized we had missed a sizable chunk of the movie and I had no idea what was happening. Noah noticed me glancing at the screen.
"I'm sorry," she said, between planting little kisses all over my face, "I know you were excited to watch that."
"I'll finish it another night," I told her.
"I'm tired," she said, suddenly pouty.
"You want me to take you to bed?" I asked and she nodded, "Ok, let's go."
Her dreamy little smile came back and we went back to making out. Without any warning, I moved my hands from her hips to the bottoms of her thighs and stood, lifting us both up. Noah yelped, but kept kissing me.
"Your room or mine?" I asked.
"Your room," she said, "I used to sleep in there all the time after you left."
"Because it's bigger?"
"Because it was yours."
Again, I was struck by confusion. I hadn't realized Noah had missed me at all, much less this much. She had been a pretty quiet kid and I had left, a surly preteen with a chip on her shoulder about her goofy parents. Then her big brother ran off to college on the opposite side of the country and left her alone. Was that why all of this was happening right now?
"My room it is," I said. Noah squealed and hugged herself close to me as I made our way through the house and up to my room. When we got there, we fell back onto my bed, Noah's body pressed between me and my mattress. This was out of control. I knew I should stop, but in the vodka haze, it just made sense to keep going.
"We need to get ready for bed," I told you, breaking the kiss again, "Unless you want us to wear our clothes to bed."
She nodded no this time and I got off her. I took off my pants on reflex, since I usually just slept in my t-shirt and underwear, but Isuddenly felt embarrassed at being exposed like this in front of my little sister. I shouldn't have been, as when I turned around, Noah had stripped off her dress to reveal she was almost completely naked underneath except for ankle socks and a flimsy pair of tiny panties that barely hid the dark happy trail that descended from her navel to the waistband and inevitably to a hairy little teen pussy I was suddenly in very close proximity to.
Part of me was screaming that I shouldn't be ogling my little sister, but another part of me was completely lost in what was happening. Her tits were a couple of perfect handfuls of female flesh. She was the most perfect girl I had ever seen. Better than any of my exes. Better than classic artwork. Better than porn.
Noah extended her arms out to me like a child demanding affection.
"Love me."
(- - -)
The rising sun and a ding from my phone woke me up in my now empty room. I rubbed my head, suffering from an intense vodka hangover, and took stock of the state of myself and my room. I had apparently fallen asleep naked and my bed was in total disarray: sheets on the floor, pillows thrown around, and blue dress and a pair of panties in a pile in the corner.
"So that did happen," I said to myself, "Why did she leave her clothes?"
I had to search around for my phone, which I finally found on the floor on the other side of the room, a message from Noah waiting for me
Hey Perv ;P
Where'd u go?
Miss me already?
I started to type out my reply when another message pinged on the screen:
Here's something to tide u over followed by a little heart.
The message came attached with a series of images. The first couple were just nudes of Noah--not distasteful, but a little weird for a brother to have--but the next few got increasingly obscene, ending in my little sister covered in cum.
wtf??
Instead of replying, she sent me a video, this time of her on her knees, sucking a cock I soon recognized as my own. From the angle of the shot, it was clear I had taken the video myself, and presumably the other pics Noah sent me.
Fuck, how drunk was I last night?
lol was all she said in reply.
This can't happen again, I told her. She went quiet after that. For the rest of the day, I wandered around and tried to process what had happened. I could recall almost all of the night before and while Noah certainly hadn't raped me, I blacked out right before the actual sex, which made my stomach turn. Had she just sucked me off and had me video it for her, or had we gone further? Why would my sister even want to get me drunk and have me violate her? My head was spinning and none of this made any sense to me. I was totally twisted up over it all.
Curiosity finally got the better of me and I made my way to Noah's room. Knocking on her door, part of me was hoping she wouldn't answer, that I could go on ignoring this whole bizarre situationInstead, the door slowly cracked open, revealing Noah standing there in an old t-shirt of mine and some pajama pants.
"Why didn't you text me?" Noah asked, clinging to the door, "I don't look cute, I don't even have make-up on."
"I just wanted to talk," I told her. Noah pulled me into her room and shut the door behind her. Without so much as another word, she pulled me into a sloppy kiss, her arms around my neck.
"Are you mad at me?" she asked, planting little kisses all over my face and neck as I just stood there, completely perplexed, my hands instinctively moving to hold her hips. Even with all the feelings boiling in me, I couldn't ignore how sexy Noah actually was.
"I'm not mad," I told her, "I'm just confused. Why are you doing all of this? We weren't that close when I left."
Noah just bit her lip and cuddled up close to me.
"I'll explain, but can we move to the bed first?"
A little suspicious, I agreed anyway and crawled into my sister's bed with me. She stripped off her pajama pants to reveal her bare ass and pussy and cuddled up with me again. I almost said something, but I just sighed and put my arm around her.
"It started after you left," she started to explain, "I didn't realize how much I was going to miss you until you were gone, but then something happened. All the guys I tried to date, everyone who was interested in me, I always found myself comparing them to you. For whatever reason, you were my measure for what a boy should be. You were my high watermark. When I started to get good at masturbating, it was your face I saw when I came for the first and every time after. I've been sexually obsessed with you the entire time you were gone."
I just looked at her silently as she told me all of this, unsure how to even begin to respond.
"When you came back, I just completely lost it. I didn't want to hang out with my friends, I didn't want to go to work or do my school work, all I could think about was fucking you. I was up in this room rubbing out orgasm after orgasm the entire time you've been back and you didn't even know. It was so frustrating I thought I'd go crazy. You were my brother and I knew you'd never touch me or even make a pass at me, so I hatched a plan."
"To get me drunk and record it?"
"Yeah," she said, pulling out of my embrace to take her shirt off. She settled back into my arm completely naked except for a little gold Star of David necklace, her pale, little face framed by her long black hair the way her black pubic hair framed her perfect young pussy.
"I definitely would have never thought to do any of this on my own," I told her, moving my hand to her tit, "but the blackmail was a nice touch."
Noah moaned as I groped her, "Blackmail? Those were for me. The only thing that gets me off more than thinking about fucking you is watching myself get fucked by you."
"I didn't realized I had such a pervert little sister," I said as I moved to cup her mons, penetrating her pussy lips with my middle finger. She gasped at the feeling of my hands inside her.
"Keeping doing that," she said, "Your pervert little sister loves when her big brother touches her."
I kept working her clit. Surprisingly, it wasn't long until she was moaning and shaking, the throes of orgasm taking over her body. She really must havebeen wound up. Leaving her splayed across the sheets as she hit her come down, I quickly shucked off my clothes, my cock standing at ready to penetrate her once again. It seemed as if she had only just caught her breath as I mounted her. She let out another cute little moan as my cockhead penetrated her body. Hearing her squeak and moan in surprise at the intensity of the sensations sent me flying over the edge. I drove my cock home.
Balls deep in my little sister's pussy, I just lost all control. I'd been with a fair share of partners, but this was different. This was absolute, raw animal fucking. I wanted to possess her body and make my sister into my personal human sex toy. The intensity was unlike anything I had ever experience before.
Of course, with all that build up--and her hands clawing at my neck and back, thrashing under me in pleasure--it wasn't long until I felt the semen churning inside of me, read to burst.
"I'm gonna..." I started to say. Noah interrupted by pulling me into a kiss, locking her legs around me at the same time, so I had no escape. I shot my full load up into her waiting, cum-hungry womb. I was...in heaven.
"Fuck," Noah whimpered under me, "It feels so hot inside me. It feels so good."
"I love you," I told her, surprisingly myself.
She just smiled and kissed me again, "I love you too, big brother."
I collapsed onto the bed as Noah bounced up and ran off to use the bathroom. It was only then, when it was too late to do anything, that the immensity of what we had done really hit me. We had committed a crime. We had committed a sin. We were no longer sibling but lovers.
#romance story#sexy story time#romance#romancestories#sexy story#erotizm#erotxcism#erotyk#sexy stories#audio book#feetish#sister#incestisbest#incestuous#incestplay#family#brother#seduce the villain's father#women seduce#seduced in the sleepless city#dark seducer#i’m an ‘ex russian spy and i was taught how to seduce targets and perform sex acts in military academy’
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Hispanic/Latino horror movies
In honor of Hispanic Heritage month, this week we talked about horror movies out of Latin American and Spanish speaking countries. There were some we couldn’t get to so here is the full list:
Spain
The Devil’s Backbone (2001)
Rotten Tomatoes: 92%
Audience Score: 89%
Google Score: 85%
IMDb: 7.4/10
Critics Consensus: Creepily atmospheric and haunting, The Devil's Backbone is both a potent ghost story and an intelligent political allegory.
Description: “Set during the last years of the Spanish Civil War, The Devil's Backbone is a Spanish gothic horror movie that follows Carlos, a young orphan boy who is deposited at Santa Lucia School among several other children who have been displaced by the conflict. Though he finds friends in the professor and the head mistress, he is plagued by a wandering spirit with a link to the violent caretaker's secret past.”
Trivia: The movie, which he wrote in college and was in development for 16 years, is strongly inspired by Del Toro’s personal memories, especially his relationship with his uncle, who supposedly came back as a ghost. It is also included among the "1,001 Movies You Must See Before You Die" edited by Steven Schneider. Although filmmaker Guillermo del Toro is Mexican, this film is set in the Spanish countryside (largely filmed in Madrid) that’s why it’s on the Spanish list. The Devil’s Backbone has all of the impactful elements of spirituality, horror, and the supernatural that come up again and again in Del Toro’s work. This film has been referred to as the “brother film” of one of Del Toro’s best known works, Pan’s Labyrinth.
[REC] (2007)
Rotten Tomatoes: 89%
Audience Score: 82%
Google Score: 85%
IMDb: 7.4/10
Critics Consensus: Plunging viewers into the nightmarish hellscape of an apartment complex under siege, [Rec] proves that found footage can still be used as an effective delivery mechanism for sparse, economic horror.
Description: “Late-night TV host Angela and her cinematographer are following the fire service on a call to an apartment building, but the Spanish police seal off the building after an old woman is infected by a virus which gives her inhuman strength.”
Trivia: The movie was filmed chronologically in real locations (no sets were built for the movie). The actor’s were never given the script in its entirety and didn’t know what was going to happen to their characters until the day of filming. The movie is also a big inspiration for the horror survival game Outlast.
Considered The Blair Witch Project of zombie movies, REC had a lot of competition in the found footage style (it came out the same year as George Romero’s Diary of the Dead and the first Paranormal Activity movie). It more than holds its own among them, so much so that an American remake called Quarantine came out the next year. Director Jaume Balagueró keeps the movie disturbingly real and doesn’t fall prey to jump scare after jump scare.
Veronica (2017)
Rotten Tomatoes: 88%
Audience Score: 49%
Google Score: 80%
IMDb: 6.2/10
Critics Consensus: A scarily effective horror outing, Veronica proves it doesn't take fancy or exotic ingredients to craft skin-crawling genre thrills.
Description: “During a solar eclipse, a teenage girl and her friends want to summon the spirit of the girl's father using an Ouija board. However, during the session she loses consciousness and soon it becomes clear that evil demons have arrived.”
Trivia: Based on the true story of 18-year-old Estefanía Gutiérrez Lázaro. I won’t go too far into it because we may do an episode on it in the future but if you want spoilers, watch the movie (if you dare).
Directed by Paco Plaza (same as REC), the possession theme is done over and over again in horror but this movie is a terrifying and fresh take.
The Bar (2017)
Rotten Tomatoes: 88%
Audience Score: 55%
Google Score: 75%
IMDb: 6.3/10
Description: “In bustling downtown Madrid, a loud gunshot and two mysterious deaths trap a motley assortment of common urbanites in a decrepit central bar, while paranoia and suspicion force the terrified regulars to turn on each other.”
Directed by Álex de la Iglesia, it’s labeled as a horror-comedy. You can watch it on Netflix.
Who Can Kill A Child? (1976) - Tells the story of a happy couple, two English tourists who decide to vacation on a secluded island in the Mediterranean. There they discover – almost too late- that the island has been taken over by a group of murderous children.
The Baby’s Room (2006) - Featured on Six Films to Keep You Awake at Night. A new family renovates and moves into a grand old house. Nervous first-time mom installs a baby monitor but hears mysterious sounds on the other side. Once they install a high-tech video baby monitor, what they see chills them to the bone.
Sleep Tight (2011) - Apartment concierge Cesar is a miserable person who believes he was born without the ability to be happy. His self-appointed task is to make life hell for everyone around him, a mission in which he has great success. It has big home invasion/stalker vibes.
Timecrimes (2007) - A man accidentally gets into a time machine and travels back in time nearly an hour. Finding himself will be the first of a series of disasters of unforeseeable consequences. It sounds like a “Happy Death Day” type of plot (but proceeding it by a decade).
Thesis (1996) - Angela is doing her thesis on the effect of violence in the media when she discovers a snuff film. This discovery leads her down a dark path where she must confront her greatest fears and question everybody around her.
Witching and Bitching (2013) - One article I read said it perfectly, “What Shaun of the Dead did for zombies and What We Do in the Shadows did for vampires, Witching & Bitching essentially did for the cinematic depiction of witches, albeit on a less visible scale.” Great pick if you’re looking for something a bit more lighthearted.
Mexico
Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)
Rotten Tomatoes: 95%
Audience Score: 91%
Google Score: 90%
IMDb: 8.2/10
Critics Consensus: Pan's Labyrinth is Alice in Wonderland for grown-ups, with the horrors of both reality and fantasy blended together into an extraordinary, spellbinding fable.
Description: After the Allies invade Nazi-occupied Europe, a sadistic captain sends a troop of Spanish soldiers to flush out rebels,bringing his new wife and her daughter along on his exploits. While his family resides in the countryside, he leads his men on a murderous rampage, much of which is witnessed by his step daughter. In an effort to escape her reality she plunges into Pan's Labyrinth, a mystical world at the border of her own.
Trivia: Guillermo del Toro is famous for compiling books full of notes and drawings about his ideas before turning them into films, something he regards as essential to the process. He left years worth of notes for this film in the back of a cab, and when he discovered them missing, he thought it was the end of the project. However, the cab driver found them and, realizing their importance, tracked him down and returned them at great personal difficulty and expense. Del Toro was convinced that this was a blessing and it made him ever more determined to complete the film. Del Toro also repeatedly refused offers from Hollywood producers, in spite of being offered double the budget, provided the film was made in English. He didn't want any compromise in the storyline to suit the "market needs" (he even did the English subtitles himself). The film received 22 minutes of applause at the Cannes Film Festival and in 2007, it became one of the few fantasy films ever nominated in the Best Foreign Language Film category at the Oscars. It’s another on the list "1,001 Movies You Must See Before You Die" edited by Steven Schneider with The Devil’s Backbone. It was on more than 130 top 10 lists in 2006. It is also the 5th highest grossing foreign language film in the US.
The Similars (2016)
Rotten Tomatoes: 95%
Audience Score: 49%
Google Score: 75%
IMDb: 5.9/10
Critics Consensus: A smart homage to genre filmmaking, The Similars is a fun and frightening film that balances socio-political issues with aplomb.
Description: A monstrous, once-in-a-lifetime thunderstorm strands passengers in a remote bus station outside Mexico City in 1968. As they listen to the radio, they realized that the storm has spread all over the world. As they look at each other, they also realize that everyone’s faces are slowly changing, and not for the better.
Trivia: The film used make-up and special effects techniques never before done in Mexico. Director Isaac Ezban was influenced by B-movies of the 50s and 60s as well as TV shows and movies like “The Twilight Zone”, “The Thing”, and “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”.
We Are What We Are (2010)
Rotten Tomatoes: 72%
Audience Score: 48%
Google Score: 77%
IMDb: 5.7/10
Critics Consensus: We Are What We Are is elevated horror that combines family drama and social politics, with plenty of gore on top.
Description: After a family patriarch dies, his survivors are tasked with continuing the rigid family rituals that involve hunting meat, preparing it for consumption, and eating it. The “meat” in question is human flesh, since they’re a family of cannibals. With two detectives hot on their tail, the family of cannibals strains to maintain their family traditions in a modern urban environment.
There was an English language remake in 2013 (86% on Rotten Tomatoes) with Wyatt Russell and Odeya Rush (Lady Bird, Dumplin’, and Goosebumps)
We Are The Flesh (2016) - A joint French-Mexican production released in Spanish as Somos la carne, this post-apocalyptic nightmare involves a brother and sister who roam the land desperately seeking food until a kindly old man takes them in under the condition that they help him renovate an abandoned building. Oh, and they also have to have sex with one another while he watches. And after he breaks their will by getting them to do that, he makes them do all sorts of other things. This film was one of only four in Mexico to receive a “D” rating—which is reserved for subject matter that is considered extremely disturbing and/or pornographic.
The Witch’s Mirror (1962) - An abusive and cheating husband kills his wife so that he can be with his mistress. The woman’s godmother was a witch who originally tried casting a spell on a mirror to protect her from domestic violence, but the spell failed. Still, she is able to bring the woman back from the grave, and the two witches set out to destroy the evil woman-beater.
Here Comes The Devil (2012) - A married couple lose their children while on a family trip near some caves in Tijuana. The kids eventually reappear without explanation, but it becomes clear that they are not who they used to be, that something terrifying has changed them.
Chile
Downhill (2016)
Rotten Tomatoes: 60%
Audience Score: 22%
Google Score: 43%
IMDb: 3.5/10
Description: Deeply upset by the passing of his best friend, a professional BMX rider accepts to partake in a race in Chile. Everything goes as planned until he stumbles upon a man who is infected by a mysterious virus and becomes the target of local assassins.
Trivia: Filmed in 13 days
Post Mortem (2010)
Rotten Tomatoes: 88%
Audience Score: 61%
Google Score: 70%
IMDb: 6.5/10
Description: In Chile, 1973, during the last days of Salvador Allende’s presidency, an employee at a Morgue’s recording office falls for a burlesque dancer who mysteriously disappears.
Aftershock (2012)
Rotten Tomatoes: 39%
Audience Score: 24%
Google Score: 61%
IMDb: 4.8/10
Critics Consensus: Aftershock hints at an inventive twist on horror tropes, but ultimately settles for another round of mind-numbing depravity that may alternately bore and revolt all but the most ardent gore enthusiasts.
Description: In Chile, a group of travelers who are in an underground nightclub when a massive earthquake hits quickly learn that reaching the surface is just the beginning of their nightmare.
Trivia: Horror icon Eli Roth wrote and stars in this film.
To Kill A Man (2014) - An attack on his daughter leads a mild-mannered family man to take revenge on the vicious street thugs who have tormented him and his family for a long time.
Columbia
Out Of The Dark (2014) This is in English
Rotten Tomatoes: 24%
Audience Score: 22%
Google Score: 77%
IMDb: 4.8/10
Description: A family moves to Colombia to take over the operation of a manufacturing plant, soon they learn their new home is haunted.
Trivia: Starring Julia Stiles (10 Things I Hate About You, Dexter) and Scott Speedman (The Strangers, You)
The Squad (2011)
Audience Score: 53%
Google Score: 82%
IMDb: 5.3/10
Description: After a secret military base ceases all communications, an anti-guerrilla commando unit is sent to the mountainous location to discover what exactly happened. The squad expects to discover that the base was attacked and taken over by guerrilla units, but instead find only a lone woman wrapped in chains.
Trivia: In one scene where the actors are shooting guns, one actor accidentally picked up a real gun instead of the prop and fired a real shot (no one was hurt).
Cord (2015) - On a post-apocalyptic world of never-ending winter, a sparse cast of outsiders live underground. Due to their unsanitary conditions, sexual contact has become dangerous. Masturbation has become the paradigm of sexual experience and an array of low-tech devices with this purpose has come into existence. In this bleak reality, a dealer of such machines a sex addict make a deal: she will allow him to experiment new devices on her body in exchange of pleasure. Soon however, their relationship goes out of control.
The Hidden Face (2011)
Rotten Tomatoes: 80%
Audience Score: 72%
Google Score: 86%
IMDb: 7.4/10
Description: Shattered by the unexpected news of their irreversible break-up, an aspiring orchestra conductor is puzzled by his girlfriend's mysterious and seemingly inexplicable case of disappearance. But, can he look beyond the facts?
Trivia: There is a Turkish version of this movie and a 2013 remake out of India called “Murder 3”
At The End Of The Spectra (2006)
Google Score: 83%
IMDb: 6/10
Description: A young woman who has become agoraphobic due to a traumatic incident is holed up in her apartment, she begins to suffer from hallucinations, paranoia and an obsessive neighbour.
Trivia: There is a Mexican remake called “Devil Inside” and there were once rumors of an American remake starring Nicole Kidman but that’s the end of that.
Uruguay
The Silent House (La Casa Muda) (2010)
Rotten Tomatoes: 68%
Audience Score: 37%
Google Score: 63%
IMDb: 5.4/10
Critics Consensus: Shot in a single take, The Silent House may be a gimmick movie, but it's one that's enough to sustain dread and tension throughout.
Description: A girl becomes trapped inside a house and becomes unable to contact the outside world as supernatural forces haunt it.
Trivia: The plot is supposedly based on a true story that occurred in the 1940s in a small village in Uruguay. With a budget of just six thousand dollars, it was filmed using a handheld high-definition digital single-lens reflex camera (the Canon EOS 5D Mark II), 2 handheld lamps, and a couple of lightbulbs over a time period of just four days. The claim that the movie was filmed in one continuous take are suspect. The Mark II camera can only record up to 15 minutes of continuous video at a time. Uruguay's official submission to the Best Foreign Language Film category of the 84th Academy Awards 2012.
Monos (2019)
Rotten Tomatoes: 92%
Audience Score: 85%
Google Score: 69%
IMDb: 6.9/10
Critics Consensus: As visually splendid as it is thought-provoking, Monos takes an unsettling look at human nature whose grim insights leave a lingering impact.
Description: On a faraway mountaintop, eight teenaged guerillas with guns watch over a hostage and a conscripted milk cow. Playing games and initiating cult-like rituals, the children run amok in the jungle and disaster strikes when the hostage tries to escape.
Trivia: Moises Arias (Hannah Montana) and Julianne Nicholson (I, Tonya, August: Osage County) most of the other actors had never acted before. The movie draws inspiration from Lord of the Flies. Included among the "1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die", edited by Steven Schneider. It was selected as the official Colombian entry for the Best International Feature Film at the 92nd Academy Awards.
Peru
The Entity (2015)
Google Score: 66%
IMDb: 4.3/10
Description: A group of students decide to study 'reaction videos' and are led toward an old film, hidden in the archive room of a cemetery. It appears that everybody who has witnessed the film has met an untimely demise under suspicious circumstances. When the students view the footage, they discover first hand, what the demonic spirit is capable of. Fulfilling the ancient curse of a woman cruelly killed during the Spanish Inquisition.
Trivia: The Entity has been billed as Peru's first 3D horror film and to have been loosely based on true stories. Review websites Flickering Myth and Nerdly commented that the movie suffered from being too overly familiar to pre-existing works (Blair Witch, The Ring).
The Vanished Elephant (2014)
Rotten Tomatoes: 89%
Audience Score: 72%
Google Score: 88%
IMDb: 6.5/10
Description: Crime novelist Edo remains obsessed with what happened to his fiancee Celia after she disappeared during an earthquake. When an enigmatic woman brings him photos that may help him solve the mystery, he senses he is being drawn into a dangerous game.
The Secret Of Evil (2014)
Google Score: 65%
IMDb: 5/10
Description: Video footage depicting a supernatural encounter is all that remains of a filmmaker and his crew who disappeared while exploring a haunted house.
When Two Worlds Collide (2016)
Rotten Tomatoes: 91%
Audience Score: 69%
Google Score: 93%
IMDb: 7.6/10
Description: An indigenous environmental activist takes on the large businesses that are destroying the Amazon.
El Vientre (2014)
Google Score: 81%
IMDb: 6.1/10
Description: Silvia, a beautiful 45-year-old widow, is obsessed with having a child and finds in attractive but naive Mercedes the perfect candidate to bear it. Silvia kindly offers her a job and a room in her house, and then manipulates her into seducing a young man named Jaime. They soon fall in love and Mercedes becomes pregnant. Silvia will do anything in her power to keep the baby, even if it means leaving a couple of bodies behind.
Argentina
Terrified (2018)
Rotten Tomatoes: 77%
Audience Score: 65%
Google Score: 82%
IMDb: 6.5/10
Description: Paranormal researchers investigate strange events in a neighbourhood in Buenos Aires.
Luciferina (2018)
Rotten Tomatoes: 83%
Audience Score: 25%
Google Score: 69%
IMDb: 4.6/10
Description: Natalia is a nineteen-year-old novice who reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. However, when she meets up with her sister and her friends, she decides instead to travel the jungle in search of mystical plant.
Francesca (2015)
Audience Score: 67%
Google Score: 73%
IMDb: 5.3/10
Description: Two detectives track a serial killer who has been targeting the impure. To catch him, they'll have to solve the case of a girl who went missing 15 years ago.
Cold Sweat (2010)
Rotten Tomatoes: 75%
Audience Score:
Google Score: 58%
IMDb: 4.8/10
Description: The movie follows Román, who stumbles upon his ex-girlfriend Jackie, who has somehow gotten caught up in a torture cult run by two sadistic, old men. The aging political radicals have managed to put Jackie’s life in incredible danger. But when Román and his friend try to help Jackie out of her confines, the elderly psychos prove to be more than meets the eye.
Penumbra (2011)
Rotten Tomatoes: 50%
Audience Score: 26%
Google Score: 75%
IMDb: 5.5/10
Description: A woman desperate to find a tenant for her decrepit apartment apparently finds the perfect candidate, unaware of a sinister plot involving an imminent eclipse.
Venezuela
The House At The End of Time (2013)
Rotten Tomatoes: None
Audience Score: 72%
Google Score: 91%
IMDb: 6.8/10
Description: Dulce encounters apparitions in her house and unleashes a terrible prophecy. Thirty years later, Dulce, now an old woman, returns to unravel the mystery that has terrorized her for years.
Trivia: Winner of the Audience Award at Gävle Horror Film Festival 2016 (Sweden). Not only is it Venezuela’s highest-grossing horror film, it’s also the most distributed film from the country. By August 2016 it was announced that the American studio New Line Cinema acquired the rights of the film to make a remake for the American public. Hidalgo is still at the wheel so its chances of success are high.
Ecuador
Cronicas (2004)
Rotten Tomatoes: 71%
Audience Score: 77%
Google Score: 80%
IMDb: 6.9/10
Critics Consensus: An unsettling and absorbing cautionary tale with John Leguizamo playing an unscrupulous TV reporter who uses the medium to further his own goals.
Description: Reporter Manolo Bonilla (John Leguizamo) goes to a jail in Ecuador to interview Vinicio Cepeda (Damián Alcázar, Narcos, Narnia), a hit-and-run driver whose crime incited a riot. After Cepeda tells him he knows where a murderer called the Monster of Babahoyo buried a young female victim, Bonilla posts bail in the hopes that he'll learn more about the crime. Bonilla finds the girl's body, but, as he nears the scoop of his career, it looks as if Cepeda might be withholding some key details.
Trivia: Inspired by a true story? As well as being both a Cannes and TIFF favourite, Cronicas is the official submission of Ecuador for the 'Best Foreign Language Film' category of the 77th Academy Awards in 2005, it was produced by Guillermo del Toro and Alfonso Cuarón (Children of Men, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) This is John Leguizamo’s first film in Spanish. He said he felt awkward talking in Spanish while acting, like he didn't know the language.
English Language Horror
The Silent House (2011) This is in English
Rotten Tomatoes: 43%
Audience Score:
Google Score: 72%
IMDb: 5.3/10
Critics Consensus: Silent House is more technically proficient and ambitious than most fright-fests, but it also suffers from a disappointing payoff.
Description: Sarah is working with her father and uncle to renovate an old family home to prepare it for sale. Long vacant, the house has no utilities, forcing the trio to rely on battery-operated lanterns to light their way. Sarah becomes separated from her relatives and soon finds she is trapped inside the cabin, with no contact with the outside world. Panic turns to real terror as the young woman experiences events that become increasingly ominous.
Trivia: Elizabeth Olsen (Wandavision) The plot is based on a true story that occurred in the 1940s in a small village in Uruguay. Contrary to the marketing's claim that the film was shot in one uninterrupted take, the entire movie was actually shot to mimic one continuous real-time take, with no cuts from start to finish, as a result the time span of the film's plot is exactly 86 minutes. It was shot in roughly 10 minute segments then carefully edited to hide the cuts.
Night of the Living Dead (1968) - This along with the rest of the Dead series are the work of George A. Romero, whose father is from Cuba.
Ash vs. Evil Dead - I love the Evil Dead movies and although this series wasn’t perfect (I’m sure die-hard fans will say it's far from it), I still think it kept to the heart of the main story. Bruce Campbell is obviously perfect and the addition of Lucy Lawless is amazing, it’s really Puerto Rican actor Ray Santiago that steals the show.
The Others (2001) - Directed by globally renowned Spanish director Alejandro Amenábar, The Others starring Nicole Kidman is a Spanish gothic horror movie that combines elements of the supernatural, psychological, and mystical. It focuses on the strange events that occur at the estate of a woman and her young children, plagued by spirits in the aftermath of WWII. It has the distinction of being the only English-language Spanish movie to be given the Best Film Award at Spain's national film awards, the Goyas. In total, the movie has seven Goya Awards, including for Best Director. Although it might not read as particularly “Spanish,” it was produced, written and filmed all in Spain, shooting in Cantabria, Northern Spain and Madrid.
#Crime Culture#podcast#crime#true crime#murder#tcc#true crime podcast#pop culture#episode 198#hispanic horror#latino horror#spanish horror#hispanic heritage month#horror#horror movies#spanish language horror#movies to watch
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Anonymous requested: Carrie and Flynn play love interests on TV, and viewers ship them together hard core, not knowing that off camera there is some MAJOR pining (hidden by fake “hatred” for each other) happening. featuring background willex being exasperated by their lesbian friends not knowing how to function around each other?
I’m sorry you sent such an amazing request and then I effectively left you on read for literally months. Seriously anon, this is glorious, I had so much fun writing it. I got like 1.5k words in and realised I had not yet got to anything even close to your request, so there’s quite a bit of background, but I’m still happy with how it turned out (even if it is a lot angstier than you were probably expecting). I really hope you like it, thank you for being so patient!
She Was a Goddamn Dream
Despite the way she acted, there weren’t actually that many things that Carrie Wilson was completely and utterly certain that she was good at. There was her singing and dancing, but every time she watched back recordings of her performances she would pick out a dozen things she could have improved upon; there was her acting, but every time it got to the tenth take of a scene she began to feel like she was messing up time and time again, tripping over her words, delivering her lines flatly with no emotion; there was her frequent attempts to connect with her fanbase, but every now and then a fan would take it too far and she would feel like the one who had ruined it all. People could tell her those things didn’t matter or that they weren’t her fault as many times as they liked, but it never stopped them gnawing away at Carrie’s self-esteem, making her feel like sometimes she didn’t deserve the fame or renown she had built for herself over the years.
But there was one thing she knew for a fact that she was good at: being in love with Flynn Taylor and hiding it.
Carrie had first met Flynn in elementary school. She had been playing with her long-time best friends Alex and Julie when little Flynn, a new student, had walked up to them and asked if she could join in because their game (something about aliens and cowboys if Carrie remembered correctly) looked really fun. Carrie could still recall how Flynn had looked that day, even if it was going on twenty years ago – her hair hung down by her shoulders in cute twists, she had worn a bright pink t-shirt and blindingly yellow dungarees, and she wore sneakers that lit up when she stamped her feet.
Carrie remembered thinking how cool Flynn looked (for a six-year-old) and something inside her had turned defensive. She had advocated for leaving Flynn out of the game, claiming they already had enough players and it would ruin it if they had any more, but Julie had pointed out that if Flynn joined, they would have an equal number of aliens and cowboys so Alex wouldn’t be so outnumbered by the two of them anymore. Carrie had quickly been outvoted, Flynn had been allowed to play with them, she and Julie had clicked in an instant, and Carrie decided that day that she didn’t like Flynn Taylor, not one bit.
For a few years, things had been a little rough. Carrie wasn’t shy about how much she disliked Flynn, but in return Flynn didn’t mind telling anyone who would listen about how much she hated Carrie. The two of them would bicker and squabble and argue over the tiniest of things, and Carrie only realised how bad it was getting when Julie blew up at them.
It was sometime in their freshman year of high school and their feud had been going on for years without showing any signs of letting up. Julie had been going through the worst time of her life; her mother (Rose, who was the closest thing Carrie had to a mother as well, but she knew it wasn’t the same thing) had passed away, she was facing getting kicked out of the music programme for lack of participation, her family was considering moving house, and every day it seemed like more and more things got added to her list of things that were going wrong in her life. Carrie and Flynn had made a silent agreement to put their arguing on hold for Julie’s sake, knowing their friend didn’t need that extra stress in her life right then. And for a while, it had been going well.
Until suddenly it was going badly again.
The three of them were having a movie night at Carrie’s house and everything was great. They were watching their favourite films, eating copious amounts of junk food, talking and laughing and having fun, and Carrie couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Julie smile so much. It had all been going so well.
But then Flynn suggested a movie, but Carrie had wanted to watch something else, and one thing had led to another until they were yelling at each other in the middle of Carrie’s living room, the whole world dropped away around them to the point that all they could focus on was each other. They were so enraptured in their argument that neither of them heard Julie’s phone chime, neither of them watched her open a text from her dad, neither of them saw the tears slide down her cheeks as she read it. Neither of them noticed anything was wrong until Julie tried to suppress a sob but instead just made it come out louder than it would have. Flynn and Carrie had turned to face her, argument forgotten in an instant, and rushed to comfort their friend.
Julie had kind of lost it that night. She had told them everything on her mind from the text she’d just received from her dad telling her they’d officially found a buyer for the house to the fact that she had been exhausted for years from all their arguing. She explained that she thought recently the two of them were finally getting better, finally working on having a civil relationship, and maybe something was finally going right for her because they wouldn’t be at each other’s throats all the time anymore.
“I guess not,” she had said defeatedly, fiercely scrubbing at her face in an attempt to dispel any of her tears, “because you two were just faking it for me. I told you I didn’t want anyone to tiptoe around me like I’ll break if I’m dropped, but you still did. I thought you guys would understand that I just want things to be normal again.”
“We were only trying to make things easy on you,” Carrie explained, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“Yeah,” Flynn agreed, “we never meant to upset you, Jules.”
Julie had scoffed. “Yeah, well, you’ve done a great job of that.”
Julie had apologised for it all in the morning, but Carrie didn’t blame her for anything she’d said the night before. She had clearly got a lot off her chest that she really needed to, and everything she had said to Carrie and Flynn had been deserved in a way. Carrie knew that her and Flynn’s intentions had only been good, but Julie had asked for reality, and they hadn’t given her that.
Which had got Carrie thinking – in this situation, what was her reality?
For years and years, she would have said she hated Flynn. She would have believed it, too. She would have said that from the moment they’d met on that playground, Flynn had been her worst nightmare. But when she thought back on everything, how she saw Flynn even when they were fighting, she couldn’t call Flynn a nightmare.
She was a goddamn dream.
Carrie had spent night and day thinking about what Flynn really meant to her, why she made her so angry, whether it was really anger at all, and she had come to a revelation that really wasn’t as surprising to her as it should have been. It turned out that it wasn’t anger at all, it was a severe case of repression and Carrie Wilson was very much a lesbian.
That was another thing she knew she was good at – repressing things.
Though she was kind of underwhelmed by her epiphany (really, she thought, she should have worked it out a lot sooner), it did make things harder. Now she knew that she didn’t want to argue with Flynn, she wanted to kiss her, and that was very inconvenient. They didn’t argue as much anymore anyway, making a genuine effort to like each other rather than pretending for Julie’s sake, but that just meant that Flynn smiled at her more often and laughed at Carrie’s snarky jokes and it was nearly impossible not to fall at her feet in worship every time she so much as breathed.
So Carrie got very good at pretending she wasn’t in love with Flynn. By the time they were halfway through freshman year, they were friends and nobody ever pointed out that Carrie felt much more than friendship. Things in all their lives began to improve – Carrie and Flynn were no longer feuding, Julie ended up not moving house and got back into the music programme when she started a band, and she got herself a boyfriend – Luke – who made her the happiest Carrie had ever seen her.
(It had prompted many a discussion about whether or not Carrie and Flynn had anyone in mind they wanted to date. Carrie had panicked and said Nick, the school’s star lacrosse player who she had spoken to maybe three times and was definitely not her type. Flynn had given a suspicious hum and said she was still figuring out what it was she wanted; Carrie had excused herself and had a ten-minute panic in the bathroom over the implications of that.)
By the time university rolled around, Julie entered the big leagues with Julie and the Phantoms, deciding not to pursue further education but instead focus on her career, while Carrie and Flynn had gone to the same performing arts school. The same performing arts school where they’d been hired by the same agent. The same agent who kept getting them roles on the same shows together. It was a ticking time bomb, Carrie knew, and it went off a few days after her twenty-fourth birthday.
Carrie had been hired to play Flynn’s love interest in the third season of a show that Flynn had been cast in two years previously.
The truth was, it was both a dream come true and a living nightmare all at the same time. For one thing, Carrie adored the show and had been aching for a role on it since it came out. But on the other hand, she would be Flynn’s love interest, and according to the scripts they would have their first on-screen kiss at the end of the season – Carrie always made sure to separate her work from reality, but in her mind, kissing Flynn was kissing Flynn, no matter what disguise it was hidden by, and it was what she would have to do if she wanted the job.
She tried not to panic, she really did, but it wasn’t the easiest thing to not be panicked by, which was where everything started to fall apart.
It was the day of the kiss scene and Carrie was a wreck (which was putting it kindly). She had been pacing back and forth in her trailer in front of Alex for more than half an hour, trying not to mess up her hair every time she ran her hands through it, saying words but not making any sense.
“Carrie,” Alex said, equal parts firm and amused. Carrie stopped her pacing and turned to face him so fast she was surprised she didn’t get whiplash. “Will you please stop moving? You’re making me travel sick.”
“Very funny,” she deadpanned, but nonetheless she crashed down next to him on the little couch, flopping against him and resting her head on his shoulder. He easily threw an arm around her and she closed her eyes, trying to ignore the stress she was under, but the pounding of her heart made it very difficult.
“Talk to me,” Alex said. “What exactly is it that’s getting you so worked up here?”
“I have to kiss Flynn,” Carrie grumbled.
“And that’s a bad thing?” Alex asked.
“No,” Carrie groaned. “Don’t ask stupid questions. It’s a good thing, which is why I’m mad about it. Keep up, Alex.”
She felt him shake with a badly hidden laugh and scowled. “There’s no point asking me to keep up when you’re at least a hundred steps ahead of me. Explain it to me, get it off your chest.”
Carrie groaned dramatically but nonetheless she lifted her head and turned to face Alex, looking him in the eye.
“Fine,” she said heavily. “I’m in love with Flynn.”
Alex nodded. “Yep.”
“We have been acting like we’re in love with each other for the entirety of this season.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s been longer than that–”
Carrie smacked his arm and he grinned devilishly. “Don’t interrupt me. We’ve been acting like we’re in love with each other for the entirety of this season, and now I have to kiss her.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Helpful,” Alex said with an expression that suggested it was anything but helpful.
“Do I really have to spell it out for you?” Carrie asked. She was almost certain that Alex was messing with her now, forcing her to admit what he already knew because he probably thought it would do her some good, and she didn’t know if she was grateful for that or not.
Alex just nodded once.
“Fine,” she conceded. “I don’t want to kiss Flynn because I want to kiss Flynn. If I kiss her on the show, it won’t be real, but I won’t be able to stop thinking about it anyway. I won’t be able to stop myself from wanting to do it again, but not as our characters – as us. I already want to kiss her half the time and I know that’ll only get worse once I’ve done it for real. But I won’t be able to do it again unless it’s scripted because Flynn doesn’t love me back. Do you see my problem now?”
Alex was silent for a beat, his face working through a thousand different emotions in one go. He opened his mouth to reply, closed it again, and whipped out his phone, opening up a message.
“Oh, this is how it is?” Carrie said indignantly, crossing her arms over her chest. “I spill my secrets to you and your response is to text someone instead of reacting at all?”
“I’m texting Willie,” he explained. “I’m asking him something.”
“What?”
That moment, Alex’s phone pinged with a text from Willie. He opened it up, smirked, and showed Carrie the screen.
Alex’s text read: hey, Flynn is in love with Carrie right?
Willie’s reply said: only for like ten years, yeah
Carrie read the messages. Then she read them again. Then she read them a third time, refreshed the chat, and read it again. Then she swiped Alex’s phone from his hand and turned it off, chucking it across the trailer so it landed in a pile of clothes she’d been meaning to get washed.
“Okay,” Alex said. “What was that for?”
“That’s not helpful,” Carrie whined. “How do you expect me to focus now that’s in my head?”
Alex blinked bewilderedly. “Because now you know Flynn loves you back. Which means you two can get together. You’d be able to kiss off-screen, and you were literally saying that’s what you wanted about two minutes ago.”
“But she doesn’t love me back,” Carrie said like Alex was being particularly dense.
“Were we reading the same messages?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused.
“Yes,” Carrie stressed, “but you’re wrong. She’s never flirted with me or said anything that might sound even a little bit like she thinks of me that way or anything like that. There’s no way she likes me.”
Alex opened his mouth, presumably to argue with her, but at that moment the door of the trailer opened and someone popped their head in to call Carrie to set. She thanked them and they closed the door as she got up to get ready. Alex heaved an exasperated sigh and said, “It’ll be fine, okay? If it helps in any way, just focus on the fact that it’s not you and Flynn – it’s Monica and Kai. It’s your character, not you. Got it?”
“Yes,” Carrie lied, leaving the trailer. “I’ve got it.”
Walking to set felt like walking to her death. Carrie was certain that nothing good would come out of this scene. The kiss would look realistic, yes, but she couldn’t truthfully claim that was because she was a good actress – it would only look real because it was real for her.
She arrived on set and steeled herself, going over her lines in her head and trying to ground herself. She’d been on this set so many times throughout the season; it was Kai’s apartment (Flynn’s character, a charming DJ with a rebellious streak and secret penchant for art and literature), utterly trashed after it had been broken into the previous episode. According to the script, Monica – Carrie’s character – would be helping Kai clean things up when Kai got upset about the whole situation, and it would fall to Monica to help her calm down and search through all her feelings. It would end with a big revelation as they admitted their love for one another, and their kiss would fade to black, ending the episode and the series.
On paper, it looked good. In Carrie’s mind, it was the worst thing that could have ever happened to her, but all she could do was go with it.
All thoughts of calming herself down bled out of her mind the moment Flynn walked onto set. She was in costume, a bright red tracksuit and minimal makeup, and she was smiling from ear to ear. The look was nothing special, but it was beauty if Carrie had ever seen it. Comparing herself to Flynn, she felt underdressed, even though her costume of a floral summer dress and cream-coloured cardigan was much less casual than Flynn’s.
When Flynn turned and met Carrie’s eye, she smiled that wonderous smile of hers, the one that made Carrie feel like they were the only two people in existence, everything else dropping away from them. She tried to smile back, but it was weak and close to a grimace, so she turned away to save herself the embarrassment.
And five minutes later, they began the scene.
To begin with, it went well. Carrie immersed herself in the role of Monica, playing up her concern for Kai, making sure to watch her with the most obvious heart-eyes she could manage (which wasn’t difficult). When Kai broke down crying, Monica rushed to her side, wrapped her in the tightest embrace possible, and tried not to cry herself. She leaned in close and whispered the words she had so painstakingly memorised into her ear.
“This wasn’t your fault,” she breathed. “You could never have known this would happen.”
“But it did happen,” Kai sobbed, her breath rattling heart-wrenchingly. “They targeted me. Why?”
“I don’t know,” Monica said softly, holding Kai tighter. “I can’t imagine how anyone would ever want to hurt you like this. Or hurt you at all. You don’t… you’ve been through so much, Kai, and you don’t deserve any of it. You’re the best person I’ve ever known. I wish I had those magic words that would somehow fix all this, but I don’t. All I can do is be here for you because that’s what you deserve. You deserve someone who’ll pick you up when you’re down, someone who will go out of their way to make you happy in life, someone who would love you forever and not think about stopping that for a second.”
Kai drew back a little but remained close enough to look Monica in the eye. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying… I… Kai, I…” The words died in Monica’s throat.
“I love you,” Kai finished, the start of an incredulous half-smile on her face.
“Yeah,” Monica whispered. “I love you, Kai.”
“God, I love you too.”
And then when they surged together, meeting in a fierce kiss, it suddenly wasn’t Monica and Kai anymore. This was Carrie and Flynn, kissing each other like they meant it, hard and fast and unrestrained and everything Carrie had ever imagined. More than Carrie had ever imagined. Flynn’s intensity hit her like a truck, but for once she wasn’t one to complain. She gave as good as she got, all that built up longing releasing itself in one fell swoop. Carrie Wilson was kissing Flynn Taylor and it was the most incredible thing she’d ever felt.
The call of, “Cut!” broke them apart. For a moment, Carrie looked into Flynn’s eyes, trying to read what was written in them, but it was useless. Her hands were still on Flynn’s waist, but she let go, and a moment later felt Flynn’s hands untangle from her hair.
They did the scene again and Carrie cursed herself for not foreseeing this massive issue. They never did one-take scenes, everything was gone over time and time again. She wasn’t kissing Flynn just once that day; she was reliving it over and over, and every kiss was better than the last as they got more acquainted with each other, figured things out, became less messy but kept all of the passion. It was a change of pace, but Carrie was handling it.
Until she messed up her lines in the worst possible way.
It was supposed to be, “Yeah. I love you, Kai.”
Carrie said, “I love you, Flynn.”
The director picked up on her mistake immediately and was good-natured about it as he made them take the scene from the top. Flynn said nothing, just laughed it off, mentioned that Carrie must be getting a little tired, all that kissing really taking it out of her. Everyone was fine with it and it didn’t happen again, but Carrie was mortified. She knew that those words had held all the sincerity it was impossible to fake, even with years of acting experience under her belt. She knew she had sounded honest in a way she never could have pretended to be. She knew that it was probably the take they would use, editing her use of Flynn’s name to Kai. And it felt like the biggest mistake of her life.
As soon as she was cleared to leave set, she all but legged it out of the room and back to her trailer where Alex was still waiting for her. She sat down beside him, head on his shoulder, and she cried.
The worst part was that she was no longer certain whether she was any good at pretending not to be in love with Flynn.
*
Promos and trailers for the show gradually released over the next few weeks. Carrie avoided social media as often as she could – it hadn’t taken people long to figure out that she would be Flynn’s love interest, and she simply couldn’t handle their reactions.
Some comments she had seen were harmless, related only to the show. ‘Monikai for life’ seemed to be a common one, as well as ‘she better treat my girl Kai with the respect she deserves’ or some form of ‘I swear they look literally perfect for each other’. Those comments were the kind Carrie could get along with. She liked a few posts, teasing just enough to get speculation up, but not enough to confirm anything.
Then there were different comments. Comments that weren’t about Monica and Kai, but instead about Carrie and Flynn. ‘Oh my god, I have been waiting for these two to play girlfriends forever’ seemed to crop up a lot. If it wasn’t that it was ‘we are finally going to see Carrie and Flynn kiss!’ and sometimes it was the worst comments like ‘they should date in real life’.
Everything about it made Carrie feel bad. For one thing, she hated people saying things like that about her private life – she might have been famous, but she was still a human being, and these people didn’t know her, so nothing gave them the right to talk about her and Flynn like that. But also, it was a constant painful reminder of what she didn’t have, and that was too much for her to process.
She had hardly spoken to Flynn since the wrap party despite Flynn messaging her every day. She was ashamed of her slip up and terrified that if she spoke to Flynn the same thing would happen again. Now that those words were out there, she didn’t think she’d be able to rein them back in ever again.
So Carrie was scared. Scared that she had ruined everything with Flynn, scared people would figure out how she really felt, scared that this was something she couldn’t bounce back from.
And she lashed out.
Admittedly, she knew could have handled the situation better. She could have ignored all the rumours and comments, stuck to one side of the fanbase, been proud of what she and Flynn had created. But she didn’t do any of that. There was one thing she knew she was still good at, and that was acting as if she hated Flynn Taylor. It had seemed like a good idea at the time – reveal to everyone that she hated Flynn to get them off her back. If she had thought it through for more than a second, she wouldn’t have done it, but one night something inside her broke and she let it all out.
She had reverted back to old habits and written a load of unsavoury tweets about Flynn, saying she hated her and couldn’t imagine anything worse than dating her, telling everyone that the idea of them being in a relationship was really creeping her out and she wanted nothing to do with it. She had posted them all before she could think any more about it, but the regret had been instant, as had the furious messages from her PR team and agent, the thousands of unfollows, the way people immediately tried to cancel her, and the way all of Flynn’s attempts to contact her stopped after those hateful words had been said. She deleted the tweets, but they’d already been screenshotted many a time, so it didn’t do much good.
The only surprise that came from it was a follow-up tweet from Flynn reading: You guys don’t need to cancel Carrie. It’s not as if I’m upset. I’d only be upset if I liked her, which I never have done.
Somehow, she had managed to ruin everything, just with a slip of the tongue.
The night of the season premier, Carrie got a knock on her door. That in itself was weird – she hadn’t invited anyone over, planning on spending the night alone, not even necessarily watching the show she’d worked so hard on, and none of her friends were really the type to just show up unannounced.
Well, none of them except–
“Willie,” she greeted with a smile when she opened the door. He stood on the threshold with his skateboard tucked under his arm, helmet lopsided on his head, and a smile on his face that looked half genuine and half like he was up to something. “What are you doing here?”
“I thought I’d come and watch the premier with you,” he said, inviting himself in and removing his helmet, hanging it on a coat hook as he propped his skateboard up against the wall. “Wouldn’t want you to be lonely for something as huge as this, right?”
“Okay,” she said, unconvinced, “and what’s your ulterior motive?”
Willie knew better than to argue. He frowned slightly and said, “Flynn told me what you said and that you’re not talking to her now, Alex told me that you totally freaked out – like freaked out, freaked out – and then went all despondent and sad, and I wanted to see if I could help. Maybe, you know, talk some sense into you.”
She rolled her eyes, leading Willie into the living room and sitting on the couch with him. “I’m not ignoring Flynn, I didn’t freak out, and I’ve got plenty of sense in me, thank you very much.”
Willie raised an eyebrow. “Sense? Or denial?”
She didn’t reply.
“Carrie,” he said, shuffling closer, “listen to me, okay? That day, when you said to Flynn that you love her, you ran to Alex while she ran to me. She was a total mess, telling me she had no idea if you had meant it or if you’d really just messed up. She said she wanted to talk to you, and after that day she said she kept trying but you wouldn’t pick up and she thought she had done something wrong. And then all those tweets… Carrie, what’s going on?”
She sighed, threw her head back to try and tip the tears welling in her eyes back into her skull, and then turned back to Willie.
“I meant it,” she breathed. “When I told Flynn I love her, I meant it. But she doesn’t feel the same way about me.”
“Yes she–”
“No,” Carrie said firmly. “She doesn’t. I shouldn’t have said it, I shouldn’t have lost myself like that. I should have had some freaking restraint. And now that I’ve told her, she’s going to hate me because I will have made her uncomfortable and she won’t want to be around me anymore. I’ve ruined it, Willie. And the tweets were a stupid idea, even I know that. I was scared, which is a terrible excuse, I know. I thought people were figuring out how I really felt so I… god, I’m such an idiot. I never should have done it. And now I know she hates me, she said so herself.”
“She doesn’t hate you,” Willie said softly, shaking his head.
Carrie just raised an eyebrow.
“Look, I’m… I’m not going to make you talk about it tonight if you really don’t want to,” Willie said. Carrie breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing a little. “But you’ve got to promise me you’ll talk to Flynn. Just to explain yourself. No matter which way your conversation goes, I really don’t think you’ll regret it.”
Carrie just hummed, not willing to provide an actual answer, and flicked the TV on, putting on the season premier of their show. She and Willie settled down together and watched. If Carrie teared up a little watching her first interaction with Flynn, Willie was kind enough not to mention it.
*
Eventually, Carrie took Willie’s advice, more because she missed Flynn than anything else. And in any case, she felt she owed Flynn an apology and an explanation. She had been awful to her in a way she hadn’t since they were teenagers, and she was ashamed and guilty and just wanted things to go back to some semblance of normal. On the night the season finale aired, Carrie drove to Flynn’s house and knocked on the door before she could change her mind.
“Oh,” Flynn said when she opened the door. Carrie couldn’t read her expression but fought down the panic that arose. “What are you doing here?”
“Can we talk?” she asked, hating how cliché it sounded, but that didn’t matter when Flynn nodded and opened the door wider, letting her in.
They settled together on the couch in front of Flynn’s television. It was set to the channel their show aired on, but it hadn’t started yet. When Flynn didn’t say a word, Carrie took that as her cue to start the conversation.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
“Go on,” Flynn encouraged, sounding unimpressed.
“I’m sorry for everything I said about you online,” she continued, doing her best to look Flynn in the eye when all she wanted to do was look away. “I didn’t mean any of it. You’re such an amazing person and one of my best friends and I can’t believe I let myself do things that would jeopardise that. None of it was true, anyway. I just… I got scared.”
“Scared of what?” Flynn pressed, voice slightly softer than it had been a moment before. Carrie hoped she hadn’t imagined Flynn scooting ever so slightly closer to her on the couch.
She took a deep rattling breath. She had come there that night having promised herself that she would be completely honest with Flynn because she owed her that much. Well, now was the point when she needed to be honest and it was the most terrifying prospect she’d ever faced.
“Scared of people working out how right they are about me,” she admitted. “I saw people saying that we… that we would be good together as a couple in real life. And it hit too close to home because I’ve always thought that exact same thing, but I’ve never been able to do anything about it.”
“What are you saying?” Flynn breathed.
“I’m saying… I meant what I said on set. It wasn’t me slipping up, it was genuine. I couldn’t hold it back that day.”
“You mean when you said ‘I love you’?” Flynn asked slowly.
“Yeah,” Carrie said. “I meant it when I said that I love you. I love you, Flynn, I really do.”
Flynn was silent for far too long. Carrie felt her heart sinking, knowing she had made a mess of this, that they would never be able to return from this, that Flynn probably wanted nothing to do with her now, despite what Alex and Willie seemed to think about the whole thing. She prepared herself for the shouting, the accusations, the breaking off of their friendship.
But then Flynn said, “You shouldn’t have run out of set that day.”
“I know, I know, I should have explained myself and apologised there and th–”
“No,” Flynn interrupted. “You should have stayed so that I had the chance to say it back.”
“So you… what?”
Flynn’s hands, soft and gentle, came up to cradle Carrie’s face. She felt Flynn run the pad of her thumbs deftly over Carrie’s cheeks, looked deep into her gorgeous brown eyes and lost herself in them. When Flynn said, “I want to say it back,” Carrie was so up in her own thoughts that she almost forgot what they were even talking about.
“Then say it,” she returned, leaning into Flynn’s touch.
“I love you, Carrie.”
“God, I love you too.”
They kissed again, leaning forward to meet each other, and it was like their first kiss all over again. This one wasn’t tinged with the bittersweet sting that their on-screen ones had been, but rather peppered with the joy they shared having finally revealed their truth to one another. It was a ‘thank you’, a ‘sorry’, an ‘I love you’, a ‘you are it for me’ all in one go, made of love and care and everything good in the world. Carrie lost herself in Flynn – she thought that would never stop happening – and it made her feel free.
Here was another thing she was good at: loving Flynn and showing it to her.
At some point, long after they had broken their kiss, instead curling up together on the couch to watch their show, Flynn snickered and said, “You know, our agent told me that our little spat online had done wonders for the show’s publicity.”
“Where are you going with this?” Carrie asked, smirking, knowing that Flynn wasn’t just dropping that out of nowhere.
She shrugged. “I think we could do our bit to help out with ratings. For a while it might be a good idea to keep the act up, you know? Act like we hate each other and watch everyone freak out over it. And if it’s super funny for us then that’s just a bonus.”
“Fine, on one condition,” Carrie said. Flynn nodded. “We don’t tell Alex and Willie what we’re doing. They’ve been laughing at our stupidity for years, I think we deserve a little revenge.”
“I love the way you think,” Flynn laughed, leaning up to kiss Carrie again. “I love you. But as far as anyone else is concerned, no I don’t.”
Pressing another kiss to the side of Flynn’s head, Carrie said teasingly, “I don’t either.”
(Alex and Willie were not best pleased when they found out three months later that Carrie and Flynn were not in fact mortal enemies but girlfriends when the girls asked them for help moving all of Flynn’s stuff into Carrie’s house because they’d decided they wanted to live together. They’d been given the silent treatment the entire time, but it was worth it.)
*
Taglist (if you want to be added or removed just let me know): @ace-bookworm @williexmercer @boggie-brainrot @itstiger720 @the-reckless-and-the-brave @that-one-newsie @bluedarkness @lookingthroughmirrors @tmp-jatp @ghostlydahlia @julieandthequeers @lmaohuh @sunnysbright @sylphrenas @callmeontheleyline
#also I wrote this while feeling extremely sick so my deepest apologies if it’s actually really terrible and my ill brain just thinks its ok#jatp#julie and the phantoms#flarrie#flynn taylor#carrie wilson#flynn x carrie#carrie x flynn#jatp fic#flarrie fic#fanfiction#fanfic#writing#my writing#fluff and angst#featuring Carrie being so so so dumb#alex mercer#willie jatp#willex#getting together#first kiss#actor au#alternate universe#julie molina#angst with a happy ending
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Y/N part 1 - Dysphoria ch. 5
pairing: Yoongi x Reader, OT7 x Reader (platonic)
summary: Y/N has an accident at a Halloween party that sends her further down the wrong path.
notes: Occasionally I'll make some grammatical errors on purpose for emotional emphasis so that's why. Also sorry this took so long I'm kinda going through some stuff right now.
word count: 16.9k
warnings: language, drugs, self harm, mental hospitalization, shitty parents, near drowning, anxiety attack, overdose, hospitalization, miscarriage, sedation
“Do you know why you’re here, Y/N?”
“Spare me. I’ve done this before.”
“I know you have. I’m simply asking if you understand that you need this.”
“I don’t.”
“You don’t understand?”
“No, I mean that I don’t need this.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because I’ve already accepted that this is how I feel, and how I’ll keep feeling ‘til I die. No amount of talking it out and coping skills will change that.”
“Well, that’s not a very healthy way to look at it.”
“Yeah, no shit, but it works for me and I’d appreciate it if people didn’t waste their time trying to fix me so they can feel better about themselves.”
“I understand.”
“Obviously, you don’t. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here.”
“I do. I’m not here to tell you what you're doing wrong. I’m here to figure out how and why you got to where you are.”
“What, you gonna pick apart my life and tell me where everything went wrong?”
“Not exactly.”
“Then what?”
“Well first, I’d like to go back and discuss your experience at St. Joseph’s.”
“I don’t really feel like talking about that.”
“Y/N, these sessions are mandatory. No matter how much you resist, we’re still stuck here, so you might as well take advantage of the time we still have.”
“…”
“Or, we could just here in silen-”
“Fine. Anything but that.”
~~~
8TH GRADE
The cold classroom was silent except for the steady tick of the clock on the wall. It was only third hour and Y/N already wanted to jump out a window. She’d long finished her classwork and homework, so she buried herself in her sketchbook. Drawing was always her safe place. She found it meditative being able to just turn off her brain and let the pencil map out her mind.
Everyone jumped a little when the intercom released its usual loud beep. “I need to see Y/N L/N in the office.” Her stomach fluttered at the chance to get out of class. “And tell her to bring her things.” She halted. What? She didn’t have any appointments that she knew of, and her parents weren’t the type to check her out for minor things. Her head pounded while she stuffed everything in her backpack with everyone, including her teacher, watching her.
Backpack slung over one shoulder, she made her way down the bland cream and blue hallway that she’d spent the last three miserable years in. Jimin was her best friend all through elementary school, but he switched to a private school, leaving her to fend for herself in a new school of unfamiliar faces. He didn’t want to leave her, but the school she was going to didn’t have a dance department, and his mom had convinced him to go. By the time she found out that the school in question had the best arts program in the district, it was too late. There was no way her parents could afford to send her there anyway.
She’d be lying if she said she was happy he was pursuing his dream. Making friends wasn’t an easy task, Jimin was always the one that did the talking. So she settled for whoever cared enough to give her the time of day. There was only one person she was actually close enough with to hang out outside of school, Abigail. To say she was the dominant one in their relationship would be an understatement. Whatever Abi said, went. Whatever Abi wanted, she got. Whatever she wanted to do, Y/N was dragged along whether she liked it or not. She didn’t mind that much. It was better than no one.
The office door came into view, and she ran over every possible circumstance in her head before opening it. Her parents stood by the front desk. Her dad was clutching her mom’s trembling hand. “Mom? Dad? What’s going on? Did somebody die??”
“No, everything’s fine. We’ll explain on the way.” Her dad took it upon himself to answer.
“Uh...o-kay?”
The second her dad pulled the car onto the road, her mom turned around to face her. “I don’t really know how to start this, so I’m just going to say it. I was cleaning your room last week and found something.”
“What?” She pulled an old DVD case from the glove box and set it in Y/N’s lap. Every single defense mechanism in her body went off at once as she gawked at the image of a black bobbed Uma Thurman laying on a bed with racey magazines, puffing on a cigarette. Her favorite movie. But she knew it wasn’t the inappropriate film that her parents were concerned about. She slid the plastic sheath off to reveal-. They weren’t there.
“Looking for these?” Her mom held up her palm stacked with the razor blades she’d tucked behind the cover. Y/N’s face turned a sickly white, her mouth opening and closing to think of something to say. Her mind was moving so fast her words couldn’t keep up. She had nothing.
“Really? You have nothing to say for yourself?” She subconsciously pulled down her sweater sleeves. Her mom snatched her wrist and yanked the knit fabric back. “How could you do this to yourself?” She turned her arm to make her look at the pale pink and red lines that peppered all the way up her arm. “This is going to stay on you forever. What do you expect people to think when summer comes?”
Y/N dropped her head against the headrest and squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head. Of all the scenarios she thought of, this wasn't one of them. This had to be a dream. It had to be. She tried to pull her arm away and her mom let go, letting it fall to her side. She turned to her dad with a look that screamed, Say something! He simply shook his head in disappointment.
The car was silent for a long time before she finally mustered the strength to open her mouth. “W-where are we going...?”
“A Catholic youth center.”
“A youth center?”
“Yes. They offer great adolescent counseling.”
“But I don't want to.” She crossed her arms defensively.
“Y/N, we just want to get you help, but we can’t do this on our own.” Her dad finally spoke up.
“It’s a nice place. Sister Adrianne from church volunteers there.” Her mom added.
They turned into the parking lot of an old fashioned brick building decorated with stained glass and white molding. She could smell the Catholicism from here. A black suit, white collared man was waiting for them at the entrance once they’d found a parking space. His wire rimmed glasses caught the late morning sun, shining it right in Y/N’s eyes. That alone was enough to make her scowl. “Hello, I’m Father McCarthy, you must be the L/Ns.” Her parents exchanged pleasantries with him before he led them into the lobby.
Sitting smack dab in the middle of the room was a marble statue of St. Joseph, patron saint of children. Y/N scoffed to herself. She hated this place already. The priest spun on his heels to face the family. “If you don’t mind, I was hoping to have a word with Miss Y/N before the tour.” They looked at each other, shrugged, and nudged the poor girl out to him. “It won’t take but a minute.” He said before cupping her shoulder and steering her through the lobby to a set of backdoors.
Outside was a meditation garden that spanned farther than she could see. Cobblestone paths twisted and turned around rose bushes and vines of ivy. The steady flow of the fountain at the center gave the air a calming ambience. Y/N was anything but calm. “Why are we here?”
“I thought maybe a look at the garden would suit your nerves.” He caught her confused stare and laughed lightly. “Your mask is thick, strong, but I can see deeper than most.”
“I appreciate the effort, but it takes more than some pretty flowers to make me feel better. Are we done?” He sighed and checked his watch.
“I suppose. Right this way.” He placed a guiding hand on her back and steered them to the path out of the garden and inside. Her stride slowed when she saw her parents standing in the lobby, a suitcase in her dad’s hand. Her suitcase. A man in white scrubs took it from him and carried it in the other direction. Everything clicked.
¨No…” She breathed, her head mindlessly shaking. She stepped back and bumped into something firm and whipped around. Another man in the same white uniform towered over her. His face was gentle but his jacked body told a completely different story. His hand clamped onto her bicep. “No, no, no, nonoNONO!” She frantically looked to her parents, who were standing at the exit with pain stricken faces. Her mom buried her head into him while she heard her daughter being dragged away kicking and screaming by two nurses. She’d never forget the final words she caught before she disappeared behind a set of swinging doors.
“I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!”
~~~
“Did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Did you ever forgive your parents?”
“I tried, but she ruined it.”
“How?”
~~~
Y/N followed her screaming, cussing mom through the house as she took trips from her room to the porch, tossing her belongings out onto the lawn.
She’d found her stash.
“Mom! Stop it! This is childish!” she stopped in her tracks and whipped around to face her daughter.
“CHILDISH?!” She took an aggressive step forward. “I’LL TELL YOU WHAT”S CHILDISH! STEALING FROM YOUR OWN PARENTS TO BY DRUGS!” Y/N threw her hands into her hair and tugged at her scalp.
“It’s just weed! And I bought it with my own money! It’s not like I’m doing crack!” She looked to her dad sitting in his chair in the corner of the living room, observing the whole debacle. “Dad? Help?” He gave her a look of surrender. Not my call. Her mom disappeared back into her room.
“IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU’RE DOING!” Her mom shouted as she threw another handful of clothes out the door. “AFTER ALL THE MONEY WE SPENT ON YOU AND YOU GO AND BUY DRUGS?! IT’S LIKE YOU CHOOSE TO BE MISERABLE!” Y/N pounded across the floorboards and got nose to nose with her.
“OH, I’M SO SORRY YOU HAD TO PAY TO THROW YOUR OWN DAUGHTER IN A PSYCH WARD BECAUSE NOT HAVING A NORMAL KID WAS TOO HARD FOR YOU! AND I’M SORRY YOUR HUSBAND WAS TOO PUSSY TO STOP YOU! AND YOU KNOW WHAT’S MAKING ME MISERABLE?! YOU!”
“THEN GET THE FUCK OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Her mom shoved her by the shoulders into the wall.
“FINE!” Y/N stomped to her room and grabbed her backpack, stuffing in as many necessities as she could. She threw it over her shoulder and blew past her still fuming (and still cussing) mom. “Good fucking riddance!” she shouted over her shoulder. She swiped her car keys from the bowl and slammed the front door behind her so hard she heard a line of books topple to the floor inside. The lock on the door clicked and the curtains at the front of the house were hastily drawn.
She lividly gathered her clothes and suitcase strewn about the grass and crammed them into her shitty grey Corolla wherever they could fit. She dropped into the driver's seat and ripped the car out of the driveway and down the dimly lit street.
She crashed at Jimin’s for a bit while she looked for a place. Abi was long gone by then. Back when she was at St. Joseph’s, she’d called Abi for comfort, but what she didn’t know was that she happened to be at a sleepover, and that she’d put her on speaker. It didn’t take long for Y/N to hear a muffled giggle from the other end, and it was safe to say their friendship died the second she slammed the hospital phone receiver back onto its hook.
She didn’t need her anymore. Not with Jimin coming back for high school. He begged his mom to let him go to public school so he could be with Y/N again. What managed to convince her was the impressive dance team the school boasted.
Within the first week away from home, a packet of government documents for her emancipation arrived in her parents’ mail. She was surprised to receive a phone call from her attorney the next day, saying he already received the pettily signed forms and that they’d been filed with the district court. That was it. In a few months, she would be legally on her own. Sixteen years old and on her own.
~~~
“Good. That was good. I know that wasn’t the easiest thing to say, just know that it’s a step in the right direction.”
“Whatever. Are we done?”
“I suppose.”
~~~
Y/N sat on Yoongi’s lap while she painted his hairline into a V and thickened his sideburns into a more boxy shape. His hair was slicked back and he sported a suit and bolo tie. It didn’t take much to convince him to dress as Vincent and Mia from Pulp Fiction for Halloween. She bit the inside of her red painted lips while she cleaned up the edges of his widow’s peak with a steady hand.
It was a lot weirder than Yoongi expected to see her in a wig. The silky black bob made it feel like a complete stranger was parked on his thighs. Her unbuttoned white blouse and wide-bottomed slacks the complete opposite of her usual style. The only thing about her that was the same as he always loved were her eyes. He admired the e/c orbs that flicked back and forth in concentration, oblivious of his gaze.
“I think I’m done.” She leaned back and moved his face side to side to make sure his sideburns were even. “Yeah, you're good to go.” She gave his cheek two solid pats and climbed off his lap to get her shoes. He stood from her bed and checked himself out in her full length mirror. His hair had grown out quite a bit. Long enough to brush the back of his neck when he turned his head. He didn’t think he’d like how he looked with this hair, but it was quickly growing on him.
Y/N came up from behind and wrapped her arms around his torso. She peaked her head around his shoulder to admire his look put together. “If I didn’t know a better word, I’d say you look hot right now.” He caught her eye in the mirror with a smirk as he smoothed back his hair once last time.
“I think,” He pulled her in front of him to see her reflection, “I should be the one saying that.” He slid his hands up her shirt and adjusted the black bralette hidden underneath that had been wrinkled from her hunching over him. Her skin tingled under his large, warm hands. That asshole. He did that on purpose. He dipped his head to be even with hers. “Now, we should go before I mess up that lipstick of yours.”
~~~
Jin leaned against the kitchen counter and surveyed the frat house filled with college and high school students alike. Cobwebs stretched over every corner and fog machines gave the air a dark, heavy look. He always loved throwing his annual Halloween party. It was his favorite holiday other than his birthday. Couples cutely matching, friends coordinating costumes, comedians in gag outfits, and almost every girl wearing a sexy version of what we all dressed as kids. He loved any excuse to dress up.
He wore a loose white tunic and black slacks, his defining piece was the pink and blue diamond printed coat hanging from his shoulders. Howl from, only his favorite movie ever, Howl’s Moving Castle. He watched that shit like it was his job.
“Damn, do you need a maid? I’m not an old lady, but I can cook and clean.” He spun and met a smirking Jimin. His white dress shirt was unbuttoned, black tie loosened, hair tousled, and red lipstick marks trailed from his chest all the way to his cheeks. Jin eyed the scene with visible concern. “Relax, this is my costume. I have a little class.”
“Oh, thank God.” Jin laughed.
“Although some of these are courtesy of some lovely ladies here tonight.” He turned to show the words “KISS ME” written on his back in big letters.
“How did you even get them to agree to do that?” Jimin flashed a proud smile.
“It was easy. Girls aren’t threatened by me. Being part gay is great, you get the best of both worlds!” Jins phone buzzed in his pocket.
Thing 1: Me and Yoongi are about to pull up
Jin smiled at his screen and typed a quick response.
“Who’s Thing 2?” He turned to the younger looking over his shoulder.
“You.” Before Jimin could offer a rebuttal, Jungkook squeezed out of the crowd and nested at his side, beer in hand.
“There’s my Ponyboy!” Jimin gave him a slap on the back. Jungkook's hair was greased back with a single curl hanging on his forehead. His white t-shirt and jeans matched well with Yoongi’s leather jacket that he lended for the occasion. “Doesn’t he scream Ponyboy vibes?”
“I’ll admit it,” Jin added, “he does.” Jungkook took a sip of his beer to hide his embarrassment. He never liked being the center of attention.
The front door burst open to reveal Taehyung, clad in a full face of clown makeup, green hair, and a purple and yellow suit. “WHAT’S POPPIN’ ASS WIPES!!!” He marched inside and made a beeline to the three with Jiwoo in tow. Her skunk stripes were in pink and blue pigtails and her black and red corset top and tights hugged her slim figure. “GUESS WHO HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!” He laced his fingers with hers and lifted her arm triumphantly in the air. She hid her face bashfully with her free hand. Jimin gasped.
“Shut. Up. You're joking!” Tae flashed a boxy grin.
“No, I’m Joker.” Jiwoo slapped him in the arm.
“Yes, he’s for real.” She answered on his behalf. Jimin and Jin exchanged dramatic, wide-eyed looks and threw their arms around the new couple.
“We did it! He’s off the streets!”
“He’s off the streets!”
“I’m off the streets!”
Jiwoo watched the three jump in circles with their arms linked like a bunch of kids who were told they’re going to McDonald’s. Yeah, she made the right choice.
The front door opened again, not flying off the hinges this time, and Y/N stepped in with Yoongi flush against her back. She spotted the group in the kitchen and threw her arms up. “Heyyyyy!!!!” Taehyung turned with an ecstatic smile and bounded over, pulling her off the ground in a big bear hug.
“Y/N GUESS WHAT! GUESS WHAT! GUESS WHAT!”
“What?” she gasped under his grip. He dropped her and gripped her shoulders.
“I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!” Both Yoongi and Y/N’s faces lit up.
“WHAT?! TAE, OH MY GOD YOU'RE OFF THE STREETS!” She clapped her hands together giddily and threw her arms back around his neck.
“I KNOW! THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE SAID!”
“Okay, okay, break it up.” Yoongi pried the two children apart and steered them to the kitchen. On the way, he leaned into Tae’s ear and whispered, “I trust you, but I’ll say this anyway. You hurt her, I hurt you.” He snapped out of his scary tone when Jimin came and pulled Y/N into a hug and kissed both her cheeks.
“Ahh! You two look so hot together! Best couple costume ever!” Yoongi never minded how close they were. He knew about their brief fling before he came along, but he trusted her when she said it was all in the past.
Y/N’s excited squeal broke through his thoughts. She booked it for Jungkook to gush over his costume. “Kookie! You look so friggin’ cute!!�� She played with the piece of hair hanging on his forehead and fixed a few loose strands. He smiled at his feet and fiddled with his jacket zipper. “Come on, gimme a spin!” He sheepishly did a 360 to give her a full look at his outfit.
“I’ll be damned,” Yoongi added, “you almost look better in that jacket than I do.” Jungkook hid his face behind his hands. He couldn’t control the big ass grin plastered on his face.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell him all night!” Jimin cut in, fists on his hips. She squeezed past him and Jungkook to say hi to Jiwoo and Jin.
The eldest boy pulled her into a sweet hug, his coat draping partially over her back. He leaned back to catch her eye. “How are you? You doing okay?” Jin, ever the mom.
The truth was, she wasn’t. Her situation with the pills was getting out of hand. What started out as a party topper, became a full blown addiction. She hated the person she had become. If she didn’t get her fix, she’d turn into a monster, snapping at anyone and everyone if they rubbed her the wrong way.
The moment she realized she had a problem was when Jungkook tried to approach her at school on one of her bad days. She ended up punching her locker with enough force to turn heads. The cold, unsympathetic eyes of the complete stranger that took her place bore into him before storming off. Tears welled in his eyes and he was frozen in place. All he asked was if he could help.
She scared him, and she'd never forgive herself for it. Even after he did.
She put on her best convincing smile and patted Jin’s chest. “I’m fine, you shouldn’t be worrying about me.” He searched her eyes for a crack in the facade, but he saw none. A warm smile played on his lips and he gave her a kiss on the head before turning her loose. She immediately pivoted to Jiwoo, trying to change the subject.
“Now I’m no DC expert, but I’m pretty sure you two are from different movies.” She gestured to the couple. “Tae, I know you’re from the Dark Knight, but I've never seen Harley in this hot ass outfit before.” Jiwoo chuckled and shuffled in her knee length boots.
“I’m actually Harley from Arkham Knight, a video game. It’s my favorite look of hers.” Y/N gave her another up and down, nodding her head.
“It’s great ‘cus Harley wasn’t in The Dark Knight, so she could be any version she wanted.” Tae commented.
“Except Suicide Squad.” Jiwoo added.
“Except Suicide Squad.” He echoed. “That movie was a disgrace.”
“Hey,” Y/N slapped Jimin on the arm, “Is Hobi here yet? I need a little...” She tapped the side of her nose. He giggled and pointed to the loft on the second floor.
“He was up there last I saw him. Have at it.” She made her way back to Yoongi and went on her tiptoes to give him a quick peck.
“Go ahead and make yourself a drink. I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.” She said seductively in her best Mia Wallace voice. Her index and middle fingers walked up his chest and dragged across his shoulder as she walked past him.
The loft was surprisingly hard to get to being that it was clogged with partygoers. She finally managed to squeeze through and fall to the floor, her face inches from a pair of sharp-toed dress shoes. She followed the white suit up to the face peering down at her. “The floor is no place for you, Mrs. Wallace.” A hand gripped her forearm and hoisted her to her feet with ease. At the other end of the arm holding her, was Hoseok’s beaming smile. The pointed collar of his black dress shirt was folded over the lapel of his suit.
“Saturday Night Fever?” He nodded. “Yay, now I have two John Travolta’s.” She took her arm from his hold and fixed her bangs.
“I think I might know why you’re here.” He inquired
“You would be correct, sir.” He chuckled.
“Follow me.”
He led her to a couch at the edge of the loft that overlooked the sea of costumes below. There was so much smoke in the air it was impossible to tell if it came from the fog machines or someone’s lungs. They plopped onto the cushions and he went to work cutting lines on a mirror laid on the coffee table. “So how’s life?”
“Eh, I've been better.” She let herself slip a little. Talking to Hoseok was easy. She liked being able to tell him some heavier things because he never pressed for more information. He accepted what he was given and took it in stride. She leaned forward and grabbed an almost empty bottle of cherry vodka and finished it off.
“I feel ‘ya. Soccer practice is really starting to get to me. Just gotta take it day by day, my friend.” He slid the mirror to her side and handed her a rolled up bill. “Here.”
“Thank you, good sir.” She plucked the makeshift tube from his fingers and dipped her head to sniff up the pristine white line. The feeling hit her instantly. A huge smile spread across her face and her whole body felt like it was floating among the smoke clouds.
“Good?” She couldn’t find the words, so she gave him a simple thumbs up. Their moment was cut short when Taehyung’s booming voice cut through the music and conversation.
“EVERYONE! OUR BELOVED QUARTERBACK, NAMJOON KIM, IS OFFICIALLY OFF THE MARKET!”
“WHAT?!” They shouted in unison. With a quick shared look, they scrambled down the stairs and through the cheering crowd. Taehyung was standing, red cup in hand, on the thick mantle of the fireplace at the head of the room. “Jesus fucking Christ.” She mumbled as they watched Jiwoo weave through the mob to pull him down.
“There he is!” Hoseok pointed to the head of brown hair that poked above everyone else. He pulled her along behind him, using his strength to cut through the congestion. When they broke through the wall of bodies, the entire friend group was gathered on the massive sectional couch at the center of the room. She picked the couple from the cluster and her jaw dropped.
“No fucking way. Cheyenne?!”
“Yes way.” Jimin chimed. The girl in question was perched on the arm of the couch next to Namjoon. Her amber eyes lit up when she recognized Y/N standing there.
“Y/N?!” She jumped up and crashed her body into hers with a crushing embrace. “Oh my God you grew up so much!! You’re not a little shrimp anymore!”
“I haven’t seen you since what? Fifth grade?” Cheyenne’s smile flashed white against her sepia skin. They were rather close in elementary until she moved away before middle school. She was the extrovert that found her and acted almost like a mother to her. Cheyenne was the one that cracked Y/N’s shell.
“I know, girl! We moved back and I’m going to Westview!”
“Westview?! I go to Westview!” Her eyes widened.
“What?! How come I haven’t seen you at school?” Y/N chuckled.
“I make myself very hard to spot.”
“She’s right,” Yoongi added, coming to stand beside her, “took me forever to track her down to talk to her for the first time.” He handed her a solo cup of vodka cranberry and she gave his hand an affectionate squeeze. Cheyenne’s hand flew to her chest.
“I’m gonna cry. My baby’s all glown up and she got herself a man!” She dramatically fanned her eyes. Her long false lashes almost reached her brows when she looked to the ceiling. Her box braids were twisted into space buns on either side of her head and her long, flowing white dress cinched at the waist and had a slit running up to reveal her muscular leg.
Y/N peaked over her shoulder at Namjoon. His long sleeved, tan v-neck and black vest made everything click. “Oh my god! Han Solo and Leia! That’s so fucking cute!”
“Can you guess whose idea it was?” Cheyenne cocked an eyebrow and looked over her shoulder at him, who blushed and gave a little finger wave. What a man baby. She took her seat back by him and Y/N and Yoongi sat on the couch across from them.
“So how did you guys meet?” The couple shared a humored look.
“Remember that bloody nose I said I got in P.E. a couple weeks ago?” Namjoon asked.
“Yeah?” Cheyenne proudly raised her hand.
“That was me. It was girls vs boys in dodgeball and I nailed him in the face.” Y/N would expect nothing less from her. Even in elementary, Cheyenne was the best softball player she’d ever seen. That girl had an arm like a cannon.
“She walked with me to get ice and we kinda just got to know each other along the way.”
“Awwww~” Jimin and Taehyung swooned.
“As much as I hate to break up the moment, I'm trying to get fucked up tonight.” Y/N finally said once the conversation died down. “Chey, do you,” She put her thumb and index finger to her lips and puffed on an imaginary joint, “partake?”
Cheyenne raised an eyebrow at her. She wasn’t surprised Y/N had turned to drugs. That girl had issues from the very start. “Of course I do, who the fuck do you think I am?” Smirks cracked the pair’s lips and they shared a mischievous look for the first time in a long time.
~~~
Y/N, Yoongi, Cheyenne, Namjoon and Jimin gathered on the sofa by the swimming pool filled with splashing guys and girls stripped down to their underwear. Which was insane given that it was basically November and the water was 70 degrees at most. Yoongi placed a thick blunt between his lips and flicked his Zippo lighter, casting a brief warm glow on his face. He expertly cupped his hand against the flame and got a good burn going, then snapped the lighter closed against his thigh. The blunt cherried bright orange when he took a colossal hit, letting the smoke roll out of his nose in plumes before passing it to Y/N. She gathered a thick cloud in her mouth and let it float out to inhale through her nose. The milky reverse waterfall flowed into her nostrils like a yellow tinted nebula. The THC hit her already intoxicated brain, sending her further into the couch.
Jimin took his two puffs quickly and passed it on. On her turn, Cheyenne blew a single smoke ring and ran her finger down the middle to make it a heart, sending it floating into Namjoon’s face.
“Cute.” He said sarcastically as he took the blunt from her manicured nails and drew a long hit. “I don’t know any tricks so you’re just gonna have to deal with my boring ass.”
“We’ve been dealing with your boring ass for years.” Y/N deadpanned, earning a series of laughs from the group.
The blunt made its way around the circle back to Yoongi for the third time, and it was starting to reach its end. “Have you two smoked together before?” He questioned the new couple. They looked at each other and shook their heads. “Well then,” he clapped his hands together and plucked the blunt from his lip, “it’s customary that new couples christen the relationship by shotgunning.”
“What?” Namjoon’s brows knit together in confusion.
“Come on Joon, you’ve hung around us this long and you still don’t know what shotgunning is?” Y/N spoke up. He threw his hands up in defense.
“Hey! I’ve only ever heard it mentioned. No one ever told me what it actually was!” Yoongi huffed a chuckle.
“Watch and learn.” He puffed on the blunt and trapped the smoke in his mouth. His hand went to the back of Y/N’s neck and pulled her into a kiss, slowly delivering the cloud to her lungs. They parted, and white fog poured from her lips. “Now you try.” He handed him the blunt. Namjoon pocketed a good bit in his cheeks and cupped Cheyenne’s jaw. He pressed a light kiss on her full lips, transferring the smoke to her.
“Like that?” Yoongi and Y/N gave him an approving nod with a shared smirk.
“Consider us properly christened.” Cheyenne quipped. Before anything else could be said, a guy popped out from the sliding doors leading inside.
“AYE! WE GOT JELLO SHOTS IN HERE!”
“Oh fuck yes!” Y/N lept up, not giving herself time to ride out the head-rush that blacked out her senses and made a beeline inside. Yoongi watched her stumble through the glass doors and disappear in the crowd with visible torment.
“You good?” Cheyenne’s robust voice broke through his inner turmoil.
“Yeah.” He kept his gaze on the spot he lost sight of her in, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
~~~
Six Jello shots, two shotgunned beers with Taehyung, another rip from Hoseok, and a bonus sniff of crushed oxy in the bathroom later, Y/N was completely, totally, and utterly wrecked. She had to hold onto the walls and furniture for dear life to make her way outside. It had been almost an hour since she left Yoongi, so it was about time she found him.
The pool was a little less crowded and she could see her reflection on the surface. It’s hair was wild, clothes wrinkled, lipstick faded. Stars twinkled across the ripples, drawing her gaze up to the sky. She walked along the edge of the pool as she admired the lights that dotted the heavens. Her feet stopped their ambling to match the two sets of pictures in her vision back in place. The luring abyss of the sky gave a sharp contrast to the glimmering lights. Everything in her peripheral melted into the darkness that blanketed her view, and the frigid water rushed up to meet her.
It sounded like any other splash. Yoongi didn’t think anything of it. People had been jumping in and out of the pool all night.
“Hey, wasn’t that your girlfriend?” He turned to see a random girl standing behind his seat. His brows furrowed.
“What?” She pointed behind her to the steady bubbles that rose to the surface of the water.
“She was walking on the edge and just keeled-” He rocketed out of his chair and shoved her out of the way. He stripped off his coat mid sprint and dove head first into the jarring water without a second thought.
The water blurred his vision, but he could make out Y/N’s body steadily sinking to the bottom of the pool. He kicked as hard as he could and propelled himself deeper and deeper until he could reach her. His hand gripped her fuzzy wrist and pulled her up to him. Arm around her waist, he swam towards the light with powerful strokes from his three free limbs.
They broke the surface and he swung his head side to side to rid the hair from his eyes. He hooked an elbow over the edge for support while he lugged her unconscious figure out of the water.
“What the fuck?” Taehyung stood dumbly at the sliding door looking out, joint hanging between his lips.
“Get her, get her!” Yoongi grunted. Taehyung rushed over and hooked his hands under her shoulders. With one big tug, he dragged her onto the cement. Her upper body rested in his lap while Yoongi hauled himself out of the pool and scrambled to her side. He pressed his ear to her chest, listening for a pulse in agonizing suspense. The breath he was holding exploded out of his chest when he heard the familiar beats. Taehyung held his finger under her nose.
“She’s breathing.” The adrenaline left Yoongi’s system, taking every ounce of his energy along with it. He collapsed onto his back next to her, gasping for air. The sliding door opened and closed.
“Tae? Why’d you- holy fuck!” Jiwoo came rushing to his side and looked over Y/N’s soaked frame. The black wig was long gone, leaving her h/c mane splayed on the wet cement. The water turned them into a dark mass of limp waves, dulling their natural brilliance. “What happened?!”
“Fell…” Yoongi huffed, “…didn't hear...splash.” His heaving breaths spaced out his words into incoherent fragments. By now, a few heads turned to watch the scene, but most everyone else was too drunk to notice there was even a problem. Jiwoo jumped up.
“I'll go find some towels.” She disappeared back inside and came out not long after with Jin and Jimin carrying thick, blue towels in their arms. Jin immediately dropped to his knees, wrapping it around her soaked body and hugged her to his chest like an infant.
“Is she okay?” He asked apprehensively.
“Yeah. I think so.” Taehyung answered for Yoongi, who was tweaking and on the verge of an anxiety attack. The first one in nearly two years. His heart clamped in his chest and despite the biting cold, his trembling body was drenched in sweat.
Switching to mom mode, Jin snapped his fingers at Jimin, who was staring at the scene before his wasted eyes. “Jimin, wrap Yoongi up and try to calm him down. You,” he pointed to Taehyung, “go find Jungkook. He’s the only one who’ll know if she’s actually okay.” The three, Jiwoo following Taehyung, jumped to work on their tasks.
Jimin draped the towel over his figure as best he could given he was laying flat on his back and there was no getting him to sit up. Yoongi’s eyes darted back and forth, pinballing against his peripheral in all different directions. “Yoongi? Yoongi, I need you to look at me okay?” He sandwiched his face between his hands and tried to catch his eyes. Yoongi shook his head rapidly, eyes still all over the place. “I need you to listen to me. If you can’t look at me then close your eyes.” He squeezed them shut in hopes the roaring panic in his system wouldn’t be able to find him. “I’m gonna press on your chest, and I need you to push back, okay?” He didn't show any kind of response, so Jimin went ahead. He placed both palms against his hyperventilating chest and applied a gentle pressure that compelled him to take longer breaths. “You can breathe, it's okay. Feel that pressure? That’s air filling up your chest. You’re not suffocating, you have plenty of air. You’re okay.” He repeated the affirmations like a mantra. “Deep breaths. Push against my hands for as long as you can.” His chest pressed against his hands again and again, each breath growing deeper and longer. “There you go.”
The sliding door ripped open and Taehyung had Jungkook by the elbow, all but dragging him across the ground. Jungkook yanked his arm free. “What the hell is happening?!”
“You didn’t tell him?!” Jin shouted. Jungkook’s frustration disintegrated when his eyes landed on Y/N wrapped in Jin’s arms and Jimin bent over Yoongi splayed out on the ground.
“I was in a hurry, okay?! I couldn’t think of the words!” Taehyung retorted. Jungkook pointed a shaky finger at her, flashes of a life without her sent his anxiety through the roof.
“Is...is she?”
“No, she’s not dead.” Jin answered his unasked question. “We need you to check her and see if anything’s wrong that we didn’t catch.” Thank God. He could live again.
“Why me?” A stupid question, honestly.
“Because you’re the closest thing we have to a doctor, now get your ass down there and do your thing!” Taehyung gave him an urgent nudge. Jungkook hesitantly knelt by Jin’s side. It almost felt wrong seeing her in such a vulnerable state.
“U-uh...okay. You found a good pulse, right?”
“Yeah, but you need to be the judge of that.” He swallowed hard and pressed two fingers to her neck. “Well?”
“Her pulse is fine, and from the looks of it, her brain is getting enough oxygen.” He pointed at her lips, which were coming back to a healthy peach. “If she wasn’t, her lips and fingernails would be blue.”
“Is she okay?” Yoongi’s raspy voice was barely audible over the din of the party. Jimin managed to wrap the towel around him and his breath was nearing back to normal. The occasional twitch jolted his muscles from the lingering bad high.
“Yeah, just keep her warm and she’ll be fine.” Yoongi’s head fell back against the ground in relief. “Just make sure she stays on her side all night so she doesn’t aspirate.”
“Aspirate?” Jimin inquired.
“Suffocate on her own vomit.”
“Christ. That doesn’t happen a lot does it?” Taehyung asked.
“Enough to have a word for it.”
The door slid open yet again and out came Namjoon, Cheyenne, and Hoseok. “Jiwoo told us what happened. Are you sure she’s okay?” Hoseok spoke first.
“Jungkook said she should be.” Jin replied. “I’m gonna take her home and watch her for the night. Just in case.”
“That’s probably a good idea.”
Namjoon carried Y/N in his arms to Jin’s car and laid her down in the backseat, taking care that she was propped on her side. Yoongi and Jin came to the car soon after, the latter carrying a hastily packed duffle bag.
“Yoongi, sit with her in the back and keep her from rolling over.” Jin ordered. The younger gladly climbed into the backseat and readjusted her head on his lap. Jin dropped into the driver's seat and hooked an elbow over his rolled down window. “Joon, I trust you can handle things while I’m gone. I might not live here, but it’s still my party so make sure everyone gets the fuck out by 6.” Namjoon gave him two thumbs up and headed inside when Jin started the car.
~~~
Jin slid his copy of Y/N’s house key into the lock, and the deadbolt snapped open. He pushed the door in for Yoongi, who was carrying her up the steps. The clock on the microwave read 3:45. Surprisingly early for leaving a frat party. “I’m gonna change her into some dry clothes.” Yoongi said.
“Okay, make sure you guy’s hair is dry so you don’t catch a cold.” Yoongi rolled his eyes and disappeared into her bedroom. Jin helped himself to the closet of sheets and blankets and grabbed a pillow from the bottom shelf. Once he was happy with the nest he made on the couch, he slipped in the tiny guest bathroom to wash his face, change, and take his meds. High blood pressure. His mom always said it ran in the family.
A few minutes later, he emerged in a pair of Totoro pajama pants and a grey t-shirt. He eyed the kitchen cabinet that was always stocked with ramen. Yoongi’s gonna be starving when he’s done with her. He set out a pot on the stove and grabbed three packages from the cabinet. “Hey Yoongs,” he padded to her doorway, “I’m making ramen do you want beef or-” His voice quieted when he peeked inside and saw them both in bed. He’d changed her into one of his hoodies and tied her hair in a bun. He laid behind her, arms seatbelting her to his torso, fast asleep. Without context, it was a heartwarming scene. Jin's lips formed a small smile and he eased the door shut, careful not to wake him. “Goodnight guys~”
He plopped onto the couch and plugged his phone into the charger that ran across the floor to reach the coffee table. The second his head hit the pillow he felt himself being pulled under by the current of sleep. He wondered to himself, what was going on in Y/N’s head that was so bad she nearly died just to get away from. She’d never lost control like that before. At least not bad enough for Yoongi to have a whole anxiety attack over. Whatever it was, he prayed it was nothing too horrible because he knew no matter how much he’d try to help, there was no getting anything out of her. That scared him. Hell, it terrified him not two hours ago. He pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind for the time being, and let his lids droop until sleep overtook him.
~~~
NOVEMBER 9TH
“Haaaaappy Biiiirthdayyyy tooo youu~! Haaappy Birthdaaayy tooooo youuuuu~! Happy Biiirthday dear Yoongiiiiiiii~!” The birthday boy buried his face in his hands out of sheer embarrassment while the group drunkenly sang around the cake in front of him. “Happy Birthdayyy toooooo yooouuuuuuuuuu~!” A birthday party, his worst nightmare. He was never one for birthdays, his family didn’t have the money for that kind of luxury. Every year, his dad would just gift him a pack of cigarettes, grab him by the collar, and give the same drunken speech about how he needs to toughen up if he’s gonna survive in the real world. Y/N carded her fingers through his hair to get it out of his face.
“Make a wish, Yoongi.” Her gentle touch was enough to coax him back to reality. He lifted his face from his hands and studied the three joints stuck into the frosting as candles. He thought for a minute then leaned in and blew the tiny flames out in one breath. Their cheers bounced off the old, bare walls of the abandoned house. Everyone was there, even Cheyenne.
“Finally!” Taehyung and Hoseok pounced on the cake and plucked off the “candles” before ash fell on the frosting. The cake was white with colorful piping on the edges and pink flowers dotting the sides. It was obviously for a kid, which was most likely the reason Y/N and Jiwoo chose it. The room quickly filled with wispy clouds of smoke courtesy of Tae, Hobi, Jimin, and Cheyenne.
“Holy shit!” Cheyenne’s hand flew to her mouth to cover her grin and pointed at Yoongi and Y/N.
“What?” She asked.
“Yoongi’s 18 now! You guys can’t fuck!” Y/N turned bright red and hid her face behind her hands.
“2 months, 17 days and...” Yoongi checked the time on his phone, “10 hours.” He sighed. The time until her 18th birthday. She got held back a year in kindergarten after a nasty case of pneumonia. So, technically, she should’ve been a senior by now. But then she never would’ve met Jimin. Or Cheyenne for that matter.
Y/N leaned her cheek on her fist and observed the spectacle. Her natural smile slowly faded, and corners of her lips grew heavier and heavier. She could feel the curtain of despair lowering over her, suffocating the enjoyment out of the otherwise jubilant moment. The all too familiar mentality settled in her mind that she’d never be happy again, or see life as anything more than some sick joke. Not now. Not now, not now please… She tried to keep it together for everyone’s sake, but the tears were coming any second now.
Under the cover of the noise, she slipped away and into the bathroom on the other side of the house. She eased the door shut with a tiny click. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. The harder she pressed her lips together, the wetter her eyes became. She leaned against the sink, staring into the abyss of the rusty drain. Five hours. Five hours of sobriety and she was already a sobbing mess. She tried. She really did. She wanted to be sober for Yoongi’s birthday so she’d have the memories and not need to rely on pictures and stories the next day. Her and what little self preservation she had left were fighting a war against her demons. And she was losing. Five hours would soon turn to four, then three, then... She stopped from scaring herself any further.
She hurriedly fished out two Zoloft tablets from her black skinny jeans pocket. The bulge of the baggie was covered by her oversized, snow white sweater. Using her phone case to crush them and credit card to scrape the dust into a neat line, she bent down and snorted the powder in one quick sniff. Her head jerked up and she stared at the person in the mirror. Slowly but surely, her face relaxed, her smile returned, and everything felt okay again. She wiped the runny mascara from under her eyes and stepped out to return to the joyful madness.
~~~
DECEMBER
The heated architect’s office provided a welcome contrast to the biting cold outside. Y/N sat behind the receptionist desk, filing the last of a client’s paperwork so she could finally leave. Everyone else had left for the day, leaving her the task of locking everything up. After her emancipation, Jimin’s mom couldn’t have offered her a job at her office fast enough. Hell, she even offered for her to live with them permanently. The work was boring, but it paid better than any other part-time job ever would.
“Y/N!” Jimin quacked from the employee lounge down the hall. He’d tagged along after school to study for midterms with her in the downtime.
“WHAT!”
“ARE YOU DONE YET?!”
“ALMOST!” Were they yelling louder than necessary? Probably, their dynamic accepted nothing less. He popped his head around the corner, his body following suit. There wasn’t anything good to raid from the fridge, so he had nothing else to do but watch her lock up.
The phone on her desk rang, breaking the silence. “Fuck a duck! Do people not pay attention to business hours?!” She huffed aggressively and ripped the receiver off the hook. “Mijeong Park’s office, this is Y/N, how can I help you?” Her voice took a hard right to a bright, singsongy tone, and he had to bite his lip to not laugh. Hearing her speak in such a way he knew she hated brought him pure joy. On busy days it was like watching two personalities fight over their host. “Oh, I’m sorry she just left. Would you like to leave a message?” She grabbed a pen and jotted something down on a sticky note. “Uh-huh. Mhm...Alright, thank you!” She hung up and her face immediately fell back to its usual resting bitch face. She slipped on her coat and threw her messenger bag on her shoulder. “Okay, let’s go.”
~~~
The euphoric ring of the bell signaling that school was over washed over Y/N’s senses. She did it. Midterms were over. Granted, she didn’t study that hard, so she wasn’t expecting the best results. Oh well. C’est la vie. Now all she had was another week before winter break and she was home free.
Yoongi had work, Jimin had dance, Namjoon had football, Jungkook was with his family, and pretty much everyone else seemed to be busy when she texted each one to hang out. Whatever. She’d treat herself to something special.
The clock on her nightstand read 8:50 by the time Y/N stepped out of the steamy bathroom. She did everything; shave, exfoliate, lotion, face mask, hair mask. She scrunched her hair with a t-shirt until the curls were almost dry, leaving the rest of the water to soak into her roots. Yoongi’s Kendrick Lamar hoodie with the word “DAMN.” across the chest in big red letters kept her warm in the chilly apartment. She never used the heat system. It was cheaper and more comfortable to just bundle up. Her black sweatpants had the RIPNDIP cat giving the one finger salute on the side of one of the legs. There was no contest. They were her favorite pair.
The only light that filled her room was from the moon that poured through her open blinds. Long black shadows were projected over the space, giving it a strange yet aesthetically pleasing contrast. She shimmied under her bed to grab the shoe box shoved to the very back against the wall and tossed it on the bed. She climbed onto the mattress and sat legs crossed. The box was full of various paraphernalia she’d collected over the years. Digging to the very bottom, she pulled out a tiny baggie with two white tablets. They were bought a few weeks ago, but had been saved for a special occasion such as this.
She’d always been interested in trying Fentanyl. Just once. To satiate her curiosity. The pills crushed into power nicely. She cut and scraped a small line -- much smaller than the usual line of coke -- on her makeup mirror. This stuff was fifty times stronger than heroin. She wasn’t a complete idiot. Come on.
The line stared back up at her with a silent urgency. Now or never. She put the straw to her nose and snorted up the dust.
She waited.
Nothing.
She waited some more.
Still nothing.
A frustrated huff left her and she reached for her phone to cuss out the plug who had the audacity to sell her fake shit.
She reached for the phone.
The phone.
Get the phone.
Get the fucking phone.
Her mind completed the action time and time again but her body moved at a snail's pace. The last of her strength gave out and she collapsed onto the bed, only to realize, she’d been laying down the whole time. Woah.
A sedated smile spread ear to ear and a string of lazy, incoherent giggles made her diaphragm flutter. At that moment, the entire world shut the fuck up, and she was alone. Truly alone. It was just her inside her head. No depression, no anxiety, no trauma, no mommy issues. Nothing. Just her. It was like walking around in an empty mall. She had the entire world to herself. You know what would be great right now? Music.
She inched for her headphones.
Didn’t move.
She tried to focus on that singular action as hard as she could.
Didn’t move.
Okay...this isn’t really funny anymore.
She tried again.
Her muscles didn’t even flinch.
Tears pricked her eyes and her back broke into a cold sweat. Panic began to make its entrance as her eyes darted around the room for something, anything, that could help her. Her lungs struggled to replenish her oxygen leaving her chest in agony. She regressed back to the terrified, helpless little girl that she ran so far to lose.
She almost didn’t hear the knock at her door over the internal cacophony. She tried to listen for it to happen again. Maybe she was just hearing things. Sure enough, another knock split through the roaring static in her ears. Help! Please Dear God! I'm here! I’M IN HERE!
“Y/N?”
Jungkook.
Oh shit. No. No, no, no, no! Anyone but him!
“Y/N?” Every emotion that she’d freed herself from was dumped over her head like a bucket of ice water when, out of the corner of her eye, the door eased open. Jungkook’s silky head of black hair reflected the moonlight streaming through her window. He almost didn’t spot her from the glare. “Y/N? Are you okay? I felt bad that you were alone today, so I thought I’d stop by and check on you...” She made a barely audible, unintelligible sound. Attempting to raise her voice above a teensy whisper was an exercise in futility. His heart sank at her response. “Oh, you’re in the middle of something. I-I’ll just come back tomorrow.” He turned back around. Wait! No! Please don’t go! Forget what I said earlier! Help me please!
“..d-n’t g-o…” She scraped all the energy left in her body — from the top of her head to the tips of her toes — to say those two words.
Jungkook turned and stared at her stagnant figure. Wow. She must be really high. “Alright, come here.” He sat on the bed next to her and helped her sit up. Her head rested on his shoulder. His arm was the sole thing keeping her upright. He took a deep breath and thought about what he planned on telling her when he got there. He might as well practice now since she wouldn’t remember anyway.
“So uh...about me being with my family… That was a lie.”
“Mmm..?”
“I went on a date. Well, not really, but I really like her and I think she might like me too..” His cheeks blushed a little at the thought. “She’s a great friend, so if it doesn’t work out I hope we still have that.” He grew more confident with his words the more he talked about her. “I think you’d like her. She smokes weed and stuff for pain, but she does it recreationally too.” Her silence finally caught his attention after the mention of weed. He giggled a little. “Did you fall asleep?” When he turned to look down at her, she slipped past his shoulder and slumped onto the bed. The impact of the mattress didn’t stir her in the slightest. “Y/N?”
He shook her shoulder.
Nothing.
He shook harder, the familiar fear germinating in the pit of his stomach.
“Y/N?”
Nothing.
Fear festered into horror as each attempt failed. Tears blinded him while he turned her on her back and roughly patted her cheeks. “Y/N?! Y/N, wake up!” His heart dropped past his stomach and onto the floor. Her lips and fingernails had turned an unhealthy shade of indigo and her breathing was dangerously shallow. No. This wasn’t real. It had to be a nightmare. It had to be. “Please wake up!!” He couldn’t stop saying her name in hopes that it would somehow magically awaken her. Her declining state said otherwise.
“Don’t leave me!” He pulled her onto the floor and straddled her hips, pulling his phone out to dial 911 in the process. His hands lined up with one another over her heart and jumped into action pumping her heart for her.
“Just stay with me! Please!”
“Blood oxygen at 60%!”
Jungkook had to be ripped from Y/N’s body as the team of EMTs swarmed around her. One of them lifted her lid with a gloved finger and flashed a penlight in her eye.
“Pupils are constricted! I need 2mg of Narcan!”
He was shoved out of her room and forced to watch from the doorway while the first responders stuck her with needle after needle. They slipped an oxygen mask over her lifeless face. The world seemed to slow with every jagged breath he took. His eyes unfocused and his hearing grew fuzzy except for the faint sound of his hammering heart. All was quiet in the eye of the storm. Then, the air left. Every atom of oxygen was sucked from the world with no regard for his existence. He fell to his knees gripping his throat and chest, his lungs screaming for air.
“..........d!……..id!……..Hey, kid!” He was snapped back to reality when large hands pressed into his shoulders. He darted his red, watery eyes to the paramedic restraining him to the floor. “You need to calm down!” His kicking, screaming and crying had been silenced by the ringing in his ears. A sharp pinch pricked his side and before long, he stilled as a wave of serenity washed over him. It was like someone flipped his off switch.
“What… what did you give me..?”
“Just some Valium to help you relax.” He felt his body sink into the floor, being pulled further into the abyss of slumber. He fought his lids open despite their growing weight, but it was no use. They drooped closed and all the chaos and fear gave way to darkness.
The harsh fluorescent lights of the hospital pierced Jungkook’s lids pulling him back into consciousness. He was stretched out on a firm sofa with a simple heart monitor clipped to his fingertip in what looked like an ICU room. The soft beeping of an EKG drew his attention to the bed next to him. He got to his feet as fast as he could with the Valium still lingering in his system and raced to Y/N’s bedside. The bittersweet excitement of getting to see her went completely sour when he took in her state. She’d never looked so frail and delicate before. Dark circles sunk in her eyes with rings of yellow on their border giving the illusion of two black eyes. Her lips were chapped and bleeding. Countless tubes and IVs protruded from her body which only stressed the severity of her condition further. Yet, despite her broken appearance, she never looked so peaceful.
“Good. You’re up.” He spun around. The voice came from a doctor standing in the doorway clipboard in hand. “I’m Dr. Lobrano, I’m the one in charge of your friend’s case.”
“Is she okay?”
“She’s stable, but the stress overload caused her to slip into a coma so her body can heal itself to its full extent.” Jungkook’s face paled. “Now, I’m not saying it’s 100%, but most opioid coma patients wake up and make a full recovery. Physically, that is.”
“How long will that take?” He took in a calculating breath.
“It’s hard to say. It could take three days or three weeks. Every case is different” His heart sank for the nth time that night. He looked over his shoulder at her motionless figure under the sheets. The only thing that told she was even alive was the soft, steady beep of the EKG. He could hardly bear to look at her. It was like seeing Superman fall from the sky. She was his Superman. Whether she believed it or not didn’t matter because it was true. “I hate to bother you during such a stressful time,” he pulled a pen out of his pocket protector, “but I need you to answer a few questions about our friend over there.” He pointed the end of the pen at her.
“U-um, okay.” Dr. Lobrano took a seat in the chair facing the sofa which Jungkook had retaken his seat on. He clicked the pen against his knee and held it at the ready.
“Next of kin?”
“Her parents, but she’s emancipated.” He nodded and silently jotted something on his clipboard.
“Siblings?”
“No.” He looked up.
“Extended family?” Jungkook opened mouth to answer when he realized -- she didn’t. She had no one. From what he’d caught over the years he knew her mom was an only child and her dad’s only brother died when he was in college. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins. No one.
“Not that I can think of. No.”
“Okay...any other significant relationships? We need someone to sign off on her paperwork and consent forms in case anything happens.”
“But it won’t, right?” He clicked his pen.
“As a medical professional, I’m legally obligated to tell my patients and their loved ones the truth. And the truth is, your friend over there took an almost lethal dose of Fentanyl. And with her age and weight? I consider myself a man of science, but that’s a miracle if I ever saw one. However, just because she made it past those first critical hours doesn’t mean there’s zero risk of other complications that may arise later on.” Jungkook nodded, trying to take in the information as stoically as possible. He didn’t want the doctor to see how he really felt on the inside.
“How old are you?”
“I’m sixteen, sir.”
“Do you have anyone you can call who’s at least eighteen that can sign for her?”
“Yeah, her…boyfriend” The weight of his circumstances hit him like a bus. The thought of anyone else hadn’t even crossed his mind until now. How the hell was he supposed to tell Yoongi that the only person keeping his life together was in a coma from almost killing herself?
“Then I suggest you give him a call as soon as possible, and if you don’t have any other questions I should finish making my rounds.” He gave a distant nod and was left alone with Y/N once again. His eyes were drawn back to the subtle rise and fall of her chest. A long sigh of anguish left his lips and he buried his face in his hands.
“What am I gonna do?”
~~~
Jungkook stared at Yoongi’s contact in his phone. His thumb hovered over the call button. He knew he was about to hurt him worse than anyone ever has in his life. It was going to kill him. He forced his thumb down on the screen. The dial tone counted down the seconds before the heartbreak. It stopped after three rings.
“Hello?”
“....”
“Kook?”
“Yoongi…” His voice began to quiver, “Yoongi, something bad happened.”
~~~
Jiwoo laid in bed on her stomach with her feet swishing in the air. She held her phone to her ear with her shoulder while she painted her nails their usual black chrome. “You should listen to Never Know by Bad Omens. I bet you’d like it.”
“You think?” Taehyung’s voice came from the other end. Before she could answer, she heard Yoongi in the living room on the phone.
“Woah, woah, calm down. What happened?” Silence.
“Jiwo-?”
“Sh!” The silence stretched for a good four seconds. She jumped when Yoongi came barreling down the hall to his room like a bat out of Hell and came back out with his jacket slung over his arm. The front door opened and slammed shut. Within seconds, his car peeled out of the driveway. The roar of his engine quickly dissipated in the distance.
~~~
Jungkook bounced his knee in anticipation. It had been almost ten minutes since he called Yoongi and there was still no sign of him. He was beginning to worry something might’ve happened to him on the way when the door swung open sending the doorknob colliding into the wall. Jungkook shot up and immediately broke down in tears when he laid eyes on Yoongi’s familiar face. Yoongi rushed to catch his crumpling body and hugged his head to his chest. Jungkook sobbed like he never sobbed before. Every emotion he’d kept bottled up since the moment he found her in her room spilled out onto Yoongi’s grey hoodie.
His heart — along with every other function in his body — stopped when he saw Y/N. She’d never looked so broken and it tore at his insides to even look at her. It didn’t feel natural. It didn’t feel real. There was no way this was the girl he loved.
When Jungkook’s cries diminished to a sniffle, Yoongi gingerly took him off his chest and approached her bedside. He tentatively placed his hand over her cold one. IV needles were sunken into each of her wrists and one on the back of her hand. He drew a shuddery breath. “What-....what did she take?”
“Fentanyl.” Yoongi squeezed his eyes shut trying not to dwell on it.
“Is she gonna be okay?” He knew it was a stupid question. Of course Jungkook couldn’t answer that.
“I don’t know.” Jungkook muttered.
“Did they say when she’d wake up?” Jungkook winced at his question. He must’ve been in shock to assume she even would.
“Yoongi,” the older turned to face him, “Y/N’s in a coma.”
~~~
Yoongi and Jungkook stayed the night in the spacious ICU room with Jungkook passed out on his little couch and Yoongi pulled up a chair next to Y/N’s bedside. He stayed awake all night watching her. It wasn’t that he thought something would happen if he fell asleep, he just couldn’t bring himself to leave her. Even if he may have still physically been there.
Breaking the news to everyone the next day was hard. Hearing their reactions over the phone was harder. ICU patients were only allowed to have three visitors per day —excluding Yoongi—so he was forced to decide who would get to see her first. He decided to just go by age.
Jimin and Taehyung arrived within five minutes of getting the call. Yoongi was waiting outside her room when the two came flying down the hall. They skidded to a stop and Yoongi had to hold them back with his palms against their chests. “Hold on, hold on. You can’t see her just yet.”
“Fucking why not?!” Taehyung shouted.
“Yeah, what the hell?” Jimin added.
“The doctor said that it helps to talk to coma patients, so we’re taking turns visiting her alone. Jungkook’s in there right now.”
~~~
Jungkook sat in Yoongi’s chair beside the hospital bed. His fists balled against his knees trying to think of something to say.
“Y/N…..I’m…. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I took your pills. I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry I watched this happen and didn’t get you help.” Tears pooled in his eyes. “I’m so sorry...You're my hero Y/N….You probably don’t think so, but if I never met you...” He choked, “I don’t-...I don’t think I’d be alive right now.” His lips quivered trying to form the words. He’d never said anything like that out loud before. “You’re the only person who makes me feel like I’m not alone. I’ve never felt more loved and wanted than when I’m with you. You’re the strongest person I know. You always make sure I get all of my work done and eat right even when you can barely take care of yourself. It sounds useless, but it’s those reminders that reassure me that someone actually cares. If you go I-...I don’t know what I’m gonna do. But it’s not gonna be anything good.” He put his head down on her thigh and cried. “I need you, Y/N. I need you so much it hurts.”
~~~
The three in the hall jumped to their feet when the door finally opened, and Jungkook stepped out. His eyes and nose were puffy and red from hours of stop and start tears. Jimin pulled him into a soft hug which he gratefully accepted. “Okay Tae, you’re next.” Yoongi said. Taehyung thought for a second.
“No. Jimin should go. He’s known her longer than I have.” Yoongi looked from Taehyung to Jimin who looked up in surprise.
“That’s fine.” He said. Jimin gave Taehyung a thankful look and entered the room.
He drew a hard breath when he saw her. Her hospital gown washed away the color of her cheeks that once gave her a youthful glow. “Oh, Y/N…” He put his hand to his heart and sat down. “What happened to you?” The dark circles under her eyes popped against the blank canvas of her face. He slipped his hand under hers and rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. “You can’t be doing this to yourself. You scared me. You scared us.”
He spent a long time just looking at her in silence. He couldn’t find a way to put his emotions into words. “God, you’re so gorgeous. Even when you're wearing a paper gown with bags that rival a panda’s.” He reached and twirled a piece of her hair in his fingers — something he did a lot when they relaxed together. Her usual bouncy coils laid in dull, limp waves against her shoulders. “You almost left me. You can’t do that, because you’re stuck with me. And there’s nothing you can do to change that. Wherever you go, I’ll follow, whatever you do, I’ll copy. We’re in this together, so your ass better wake up so we can fuck shit up until we’re old and grey, scaring kids on Halloween together.” He giggled, but it slowly turned to whimpers. He wiped tears from his cheeks with his sleeves. “You’re my best friend, N/N. I don’t know if I can handle it if you go.” He took a sniffly breath. “I love you, Y/N. I’ve always loved you. Even if it was in different ways, but I always have.” He sniffed and his voice cracked under the emotion. “You deserve the world, you deserve someone who loves you the way I know you should be loved. That’s why I was so happy when you met Yoongi, because I knew he was perfect for you. He worships you, Y/N, kisses the ground you walk on. And I can rest easy knowing you’re in the best possible hands. Don’t worry about me though, I’m happy loving you in any way I can.” Tears patted on the bed sheets when he leaned in to give her a lingering kiss on the cheek. “Please come back to us.”
~~~
An hour passed, and Jimin emerged from the room. “Finally! I was starting to regret giving up my turn.” Taehyung stood. Jimin and Jungkook held hands and Yoongi stripped his leather jacket off. The extra layers were starting to get to him. He looked up and saw Taehyung still standing there.
“What are you lookin’ at me for?”
“C-can I go now?” Yoongi chuckled a little.
“Of course you can.”
~~~
It took a while for Taehyung to eventually gravitate to the chair beside her. He mainly stood near the door and stared at her for the first five minutes. Another twenty went by of him just sitting in the chair with his hands clasped between his knees. “Listen uh...I’m not good at this whole sentimental thing, so if it’s true that coma patients remember what they hear, don’t judge. I know I get on your nerves a lot and tease you, but I do it ‘cus that’s just how I show love.” He looked down. “Truth is, you’re like a sister to me, Y/N. I always wanted an older sister to annoy, and when I met you it felt like I’d found my missing piece. Nobody in my life ever stays long, but you’re the one constant that I could hang on to. No matter which girl left me or friends I lost, I knew I could always count on you to be there, ready to go along with whatever I wanted.” He chuckled at the tears brimming in his eyes. “Look at this shit. You got me cryin’.” He roughly wiped his eyes with the collar of his hoodie. “Well, that’s my spiel. Wake up soon. I need somebody to roll their eyes at my jokes again.” He stood and wiped his palms on his sweats. His fingers twitched at his side as he peered down at her. Hesitantly, he leaned down and gave her a quick peck on the forehead. “Get better, sis.”
~~~
The next day was Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jin’s turn. Namjoon, unsurprisingly, got there at the exact time Yoongi texted him to. He came in carrying a to-go cup of coffee with the Starbucks logo on the sleeve. Immediately, he pulled Yoongi into a quick hug before he could protest. “Here, I know you’re not sleeping.”
“Thanks.” Yoongi took it with a small smile. Namjoon wasn’t wrong. He hadn’t slept a wink since he got there, and it was starting to show. His raven hair hung in glossy clumps and he was starting to develop his own set of dark circles. “You can go in whenever you’re ready.”
Namjoon stepped in and closed the door gently behind him. “Hey, N/N.” He sighed and took a seat in the chair that he dwarfed with his long legs. “I know you probably could care less, but I’m gonna take care of your homework for you until you get out of this. That is, if you don’t wake up by Monday. Anyway, uh, Cheyenne couldn’t make it. She’s at a tournament in Las Vegas, but she sends her love. Maybe when you wake up, you can FaceTime her. She’s really worried about you, y’know. Even if you guys haven’t seen each other for years.” He gazed at her almost as if he was waiting for her to respond. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Normally, I always know what to say, but….with you there’s just so much to be said I can’t think straight, so I thought,” he fished a small book out of his coat pocket, “I’d read you some poetry instead. I know the guys have probably talked your ear off, so it should be a nice break from it all.” He cracked open the book to one of the pages he’d marked with a sticky note. “I’ll start with this one, since I know it’s your favorite.”
Life is unpredictable,
It changes with the seasons,
Even your coldest winter,
Happens for the best of reasons,
And though it feels eternal,
Like all you’ll ever do is freeze,
I promise spring is coming,
And with it, brand new leaves.
- Erin Hanson
~~~
Hoseok was already in the hallway when Namjoon finished up. “How’d it go?” He showed him the book in his hand.
“Just some reading. She always likes that.” Hoseok gave him a nod and circled around him to take his place.
He took a seat and rested his elbows on the mattress. “Hey...God, I don’t even know how I’m supposed to do this. I’m not used to one sided conversations.” He gave a tiny chuckle. “I was a mess when I heard about your accident...I mean, Fentanyl, Y/N? Fentanyl?? I know how bad that shit’s reputation is and when I heard you ODed on it, I was certain you were dead. It took five minutes for Yoongi to calm me down and say you were alive.” He eyed all the tubes and machines she was hooked up to. “Although it doesn’t really look like it….Fuck you scared me, Y/N. Don’t you ever do that again.” He grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “You hear me? You’re the only one who knows how bad my coke problem really is. In fact, no one else even knows I’m bipolar. Only you. Because you’re the only person I feel comfortable talking about it with. So please, don’t scare me like that again. I don’t expect you to come out of this clean as a whistle. Hell, I don’t even expect you to stop snorting your prescriptions. That’s why we need each other. We can work on ourselves together. I know you’ll wake up. I just know it. And I’ll be waiting with a big ass bag of all your favorite candy and movies when you do. So, you just focus on healing that body of yours and get back to us as soon as you can.” He gave her a kiss on the hand and another on her forehead. “Love ‘ya.”
~~~
Yoongi eyed the book Namjoon had set on one of the chairs lining the hall. He picked it up and leafed through it. “Hey, Joon?”
“Yeah?”
“You think I can borrow this for a bit?” He looked over to see what he was talking about.
“Yeah, of course.” Yoongi continued to flip through the pages when Hoseok stepped out and shut the door behind him. His eyes were misty and his voice was a little nasally.
“That was a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be.” He scanned the hallway. “Is Jin coming?”
“He’s coming around six after he gets off work.” Yoongi said, not looking up from the poem he was in the middle of.
“Oh, okay. Well, I have practice later so I’ll try to come visit again as soon as I can.” Hoseok gave each of them a hug and took his leave.
“I can stick around if you want, Yoongi.” Namjoon offered.
“No, no. I’m okay. There’s really not much you can do here. I’ll call you if anything comes up.” He stood again and Namjoon gave him another parting hug. “Thanks for the book, by the way.”
“No problem. I’ll see you later.”
Yoongi took his spot in the chair by Y/N’s bed and delved back into his book. As he went along, he wrote poems that reminded him of her on the hospital stationary from the bedside table. He didn’t read them aloud. He found it hard to believe that talking would actually help. His life hadn’t been fortunate enough for him to believe in anything more than cold, hard facts. He wasn’t one for talking anyway, and he knew neither was she.
He didn’t realize how much time had passed until Jin came knocking with a duffel bag in his hand. “Who’s that for?” Yoongi asked.
“You.” Jin said as he tossed it at him. He dropped the book and caught it against his chest. “Now go shower while I talk to my baby because I know you haven’t. You don’t want Y/N to wake up and have you smelling like ass.” He had him there. He stood up with a sigh and took the duffel to the connecting bathroom.
Jin turned and felt his heart sink at the sight of her. It hurt to see her like this and not be able to do anything to help. “I hope you’re feeling okay in there.” He sat on the edge of the bed by her thigh. “I can’t stay as long as I’d hoped, so I’ll have to make this quick. I know you probably don’t want me boo-hooing over you, so I’ll try to keep the tears to a minimum.” He rubbed the smooth tape securing the IV in her hand. “I’ll never forget that time I found you curled up on the floor, in the middle of your living room, so depressed you couldn't walk. I had to bathe you and tuck you in bed. I even fed you soup even though you said you could do it yourself.” He smiled softly. “I know I have to take care of you sometimes when you can’t do it yourself. And that’s okay. It’s okay to ask for help every once in a while. That’s my job. We always joke about how I’m your guys’ momma, but it’s true. You’re the reason I realized how much I want to be a dad one day. Believe me, if I could take care of you for the rest of my life I would, but I don’t think you’d care for that too much.” A small tear slipped past his guard and dripped down his cheek. “Sorry,” he wiped it away, “but you can’t blame me. I’m worried about you, Y/N. I don’t know what drove you to do this, but I know you tried your hardest to fight it.” He squeezed her hand. “I want you to know that I’m not mad, I’m not disappointed. You were trying to take your pain away. I just wish you could’ve told me how much you were suffering. Even if you want to spare me the stress and heartbreak of it all, I’d rather know you're in pain so maybe I can help you. Please don’t hide like that again. I need my little gremlin around to give me grey hairs before I hit thirty.” He leaned down and gave her a kiss on the head. “And you’re worth every single one.”
The door to the bathroom opened and Yoongi stepped out rubbing a towel over his hair. “Sorry, I tried to take as long as possible.”
“It’s fine, I need to be going anyway.” Jin stood and gave Y/N one last glance. “I’ll be waiting for you, kiddo.” He turned to Yoongi. “You gonna be okay here by yourself?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“Have you talked to her yet?” Yoongi paused. “You should. Even if you think it doesn’t do anything, you’d be surprised what comes out.” With that, he took his jacket off the chair and closed the door behind him.
~~~
The clock read 11:50 by the time Yoongi finished his book. He set it on the bedside table with a sigh. Over a dozen notes were taped to the railing in a long line of comforting messages. It was surprising how much it helped him take his mind off the worst. But now, he had nothing to do but wait. He let out another long sigh. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked much. It’s just hard not being able to hear your voice...I figured if I tried to say anything I’d fucking lose it, but it feels like I already am.” He rested his forehead in his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. “Jesus...what am I gonna do? If you go, I don’t know what I’m gonna do to myself. It scares me...One of the nurses told me you’d be going to a better place, but I don’t care if you’re going to a better place, I need you here.” He sniffed. “And I know that’s wrong, but I need you in this shitty ass world because I can’t survive without you.” He tried to blink the brimming tears out of his eyes, but it was no use. “There’s no one else in the world I’d rather be with than you. I don’t know how you made me like this, but I don’t ever want to change. I love you. I love you so fucking much I don’t know what to do with myself. I love the little things about you the most. I love that one curl that you hate because it goes the wrong way, how you’re not afraid to eat twice as much as me, how you grab my shirt in your sleep, how you walk in the grass with a flashlight during the summer so you don’t step on any frogs.”
The steady beep of the EKG was the only response he got. “Please don’t leave me. Please? No one’s ever made me feel this good before. And if you leave...if you-...” His head sank as he tried to hold back his tears. “It’s just- It’s easier to smile with you because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I-I look at you and I-....I’m home….Please, I don’t want that to go away.”
~~~
Yoongi didn’t remember falling asleep, but he woke up with his head resting against Y/N’s hip. He blinked away his sleepiness and tried to read the clock. 6:20. He groaned. Stayed awake two nights in a row and didn’t even get so much as six hours. Despite his suspicions, he did feel a lot better having talked to her. It seemed to bring her a little closer to him in these God awful times.
She was looking better. The dark circles were fading and the color was returning to her lips. It lifted his spirits to see she was visibly healing. He called Namjoon to bring him another poetry book. The stuff was really starting to grow on him. Of all people.
Other than a visit from Jungkook, Jiwoo, and Jimin, the day was pretty uneventful. A few nurses came in to take her vitals and stretch her joints, but he wouldn’t necessarily consider that an event.
“Here’s a good one.” Yoongi leaned forward in his chair for her to hear.
I don’t think you will
Ever fully understand
How you touched my life
And made me who I am.
You are the keeper of my dreams,
The man who holds my heart,
The one I want to spend my life with,
The one with whom I will always stand.
Stand beside through thick and thin
Through all that life throws our way
Knowing that this special love we share
Will guide us each and every day.
I don’t think you could ever feel
All the love I have to give,
And I’m sure you never realize
You’ve been my will to live.
- Stephanie Schiavone
~~~
The light of dawn shone through the thin curtains that billowed in the breeze coming from the open balcony door, casting the spacious bedroom in a golden glow. Yoongi shifted under the white, linen sheets and stretched out his spine like a cat. He cracked an eye open and took in the view of Y/N’s bare back on the other side of the bed. The fabric only came up to her hips and was pulled around to her chest with her sleeping hands. Her hair swept over the entire pillow scattering her curls every which way.
He ghosted his knuckle down her spine and back up again, repeating the action until her slender shoulders stirred. She let out a small, airy groan and dug herself further into the mattress. Birds chirped in the lush trees swaying outside with the coming morning. Yoongi scooted closer until her back was flush against his chest. The heat between their skin was a welcome sensation that seemed to fill his heart with even more love. If that was possible. He slipped his arms around her waist and buried his face in the crook of her neck. She wriggled again when he started peppering her with kisses up and down her neck and cheek. He finally brought his lips to her ear. “Wake up.”
~~~
Y/N’s eyes drifted open and fluttered against the cold lights of the ICU room. She looked down at her IVs and around the room groggily. Yoongi was asleep on the edge of the bed with his head resting on his folded arms. It broke her heart to see how tired he looked. Dark bags marked his red, puffy eyes from hours of vigil. Tears welled in her eyes and her lips drew into a pained frown as the memories of her night flashed in her mind. She squeezed her eyes shut and attempted to silence her hiccups. Her head sank back into the pillow and hoped it would just swallow her whole. There was no way she’d be able to face anyone after what she did. Oh God. Jungkook. Instant guilt and shame washed over her when she realized what she put that poor boy through.
When her eyes cleared enough to see, she noticed the dozens of messages littering her bed and side table. She took one off the railing with a shaky hand. It was in Yoongi’s handwriting.
When I first met you
I remembered you
From a hundred different dreams
And there you were
For me to love
All over again
For the very first time
- Atticus
A smile crept onto her lips as she read each one.
Your eyes.
Your eyes hold everything
My soul thirsts for.
- Paul Perry
She read another.
You gave light to my soul
You helped me to be whole
I have felt love for you before
And it will be more and more,
You are mine, my dear
You are the angel from above
Who taught me how to love.
Please, forever keep me near.
- Anonymous
~~~
The feeling of his hair being carded through slowly coaxed Yoongi out of his dream. He peeked an eye open. Y/N was mindlessly playing with his hair while she intently read one of his notes. “Oh my God!” He jumped onto the bed and cupped her head in his hands as he attacked her with kisses wherever he could land them. “You’re awake! Holy shit, you’re awake!” He pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “I thought I lost you.”
“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Her hoarse voice was like music to his ears. He let himself laugh for the first time in the longest three days of his life. She looked up at him and he finally got to see those e/c eyes that he missed so much. Another wave of kisses washed over her that concluded with a final long, heated kiss on her lips.
“I’ve been waiting to be able to do that again.” She giggled and pushed against his chest.
“Get off, creepo. If the nurses saw you like this you’d get kicked out so fucking fast.”
“Oh shit,” he jumped off, “I need to tell them you’re up!” She watched in amusement as he ran out the door, then frantically popped back in.
“I’ll be right back!”
~~~
Everything that happened next flew by in a blur. She nearly suffocated under the hugs and kisses and gifts she was bombarded with. She was transferred to a standard room where she was allowed to have as many visitors as she wanted. Her entire day consisted of catching up with everyone, watching movies, and lots, and lots of Jello. Most of her IVs were removed which allowed Yoongi to curl up beside her that night.
The next evening, Jungkook was visiting her when Dr. Lobrano stepped in with his usual clipboard and pen. “Hey you two. If you don’t mind, I need to speak with Miss Y/N for a few minutes in private.”
“Oh..okay.” Jungkook reluctantly got up and left the room, stealing a glance on his way out.
“So?” She asked. The doctor folded his hands in front of him and looked down for a bit.
“I’m afraid there’s one thing about your condition that I’ve yet to mention.” She sat up straighter, her stomach churning.
“What is it?”
“When you first arrived at the ER you had major vaginal bleeding, so we did some tests...” Her heart stopped. “You were pregnant, but I’m afraid the shock of your overdose also caused you to miscarry.” It felt like she got punched in the stomach by Mike Tyson. All the air was sucked out of her lungs.
“P-pregnant..?”
“I’m sorry. I wanted to give you some time to catch up with loved ones before I informed you.” Hot tears rolled down her cheeks and her eyes darted back and forth trying to make sense of it all.
“H-how far along was I?”
“About three weeks.”
“Does...does Yoongi know?”
“I’m leaving you the choice to decide that. Once again, my deepest condolences.” He left her to process the news in privacy.
She collapsed onto the bed, her sobs coming out in hiccupy squeaks. Her hands gravitated to her stomach and tried to imagine the little being that used to be there. Three soft knocks sounded from the other side of the door. It slowly opened and Jungkook peaked his head in. “Y/N? Are you okay?” She only stared up at the ceiling. He approached her bedside. “....Y/N?” Her eyes eventually found him and filled with more tears.
“Can you hug me?” He immediately sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her up into a hug. Her shoulders quivered and she gripped desperately at his shirt.
“Hey, it's okay. It’s okay…” He stroked her hair and rested his chin on the top of her head. She cried, and cried, and cried until nothing else came out. Jungkook held her until her sobs faded, and her body leaned against his chest. He gently laid her down, taking care not to wake her up. Her peaceful face was a stark contrast to the tears that wet her cheeks and reddened her nose. Whatever the doctor told her must’ve been pretty damn bad to have her asking for a hug, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.
Y/N was still asleep when Yoongi stepped out of the shower. Moonlight that came from a small window lit his path to her bed. She stirred when he climbed in. “It’s me. Go back to sleep.” He whispered. The sheets were pulled over their bodies and she rolled onto her side with her back to him. He took the opportunity to pull her closer. His face nestled on her shoulder and he let out a long sigh of contentment. She clenched her muscles to suppress her whimpers, but it was no use. He lifted his head to look down at her. “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” Her eyes clamped shut and a choked sob escaped her chest.
“I killed our baby.”
~~~
It took a long time for Yoongi to wrap his head around what she told him the night before. When he finally put two and two together, he immediately turned her around so she was facing his chest and pulled her in as close as he possibly could. He was absolutely distraught, but only a few silent tears of shock came out as she sobbed into his shoulder all over again.
They slept late into the afternoon until they were woken up by a beaming Jimin. “Wake up, sleepyheads! It’s your discharge day!” Yoongi scowled at the unwelcome noise and lazily swatted at him. Jimin grabbed his wrist and pulled him to sit up straight. “Come on! Don’t you wanna get out of here?”
“Gimme a minute before I punch you.” He grumbled, rubbing his eyes. Jimin circled around to Y/N’s side and played with her hair.
“Y/Naaa, wake uuuup~” She cracked an eye and glared at him. “Oh, don’t give me that look too. It’s noon, and you’re supposed to check out at two. Let's get a move on.”
They spent the better half of an hour watching TV while Yoongi packed up the duffel Jin brought him. Y/N brushed her teeth in bed and spat the toothpaste in a cup when she was done. “Here.” She handed it to Jimin who took it and rinsed it out in the sink.
There was a knock at the door and Dr. Lobrano stepped inside. “How’re we feeling today?”
“Fine, I guess.” she shrugged. “I’m just ready to go home.”
“About that. It’s come to my attention that you have a history of suicidal behavior, and while it’s not my position to judge, I also can’t rule your overdose out as a suicide attempt.”
“What?” She was dumbfounded. How could that be any of his business? “I wasn’t trying to kill myself!”
“But did you or did you not have any concern for your safety when you took that Fentanyl?” She pressed her lips into an angry thin line. She was angry because she knew he was right. She knew the risk and she did it anyway.
“What are you getting at?” Yoongi stepped in.
“According to California law, overdose victims are required to participate in a mandatory 28 days of rehabilitation. And since you’re also a danger to yourself, your treatment will have to be in a psychiatric facility.”
Y/N, Yoongi, and Jimin’s jaws dropped. There was no way he was serious. Right? Her heart beat faster, and faster, and faster with every memory of St. Joseph’s that flashed in her mind. “No….no, no, no!” She clawed at her IV and yanked it out of her hand. She threw the sheets up and made a mad dash for the door, but two male nurses stood ready to catch her. “NO! NO! NO! I’M NOT GOING BACK!” They hauled her back on the bed and tried to pin her kicking legs down. Her screams brought another team of nurses rushing in with a set of bed restraints.
“What the hell are you doing to her?!” Yoongi shouted. One of the nurses turned and put her hand to the boys’ chests.
“You two need to leave, right now.” They were shoved outside the room and forced to watch the crowd of people struggle to hold Y/N’s thrashing body to the mattress so the restraints could be slipped on. Jimin held his hands to his mouth and stared through wide, teary eyes.
“NO! NO! NO! NO! I CAN’T GO BACK! YOONGI!” It felt like someone stabbed him in the heart when she desperately called out to him. He could hear the terror in her voice.
“YOONGI!”
Pain filled his entire body and he bit the inside of his lip, visibly restraining himself from lunging forward and ripping her from the restraints that she jerked so furiously against. “YOONGI! PLEASE DON’T LET-'' A nurse sank a syringe into her hip and her legs quickly ceased their kicking. Y/N fell silent.
Yoongi stood like a statue and stared at the only half of her that he could see. “Yoongi, I-” he ripped his shoulder away when Jimin placed a hand on it and stormed away. He didn’t stop until he got all the way to his car in the parking lot. The door slammed shut behind him and he was left in silence. His forehead fell against the steering wheel and he let out a long breath.
A single whimper escaped his chest.
Then another.
And another.
Loud, hiccupy sobs wracked his whole body as he white-knuckled the leather wrapped wheel. One especially aggressive wave had him hugging himself in a bawling heap. He hadn’t cried like this since he was little, hiding in the closet from his dad’s drunken rage. It was scary how quickly he lost control, and he knew there was nothing he could do to get it back.
#bts x reader#bts angst#bts fanfic#bts fic#yoongi x reader#yoongi fic#yoongi angst#namjoon#bts seokjin#yoongi#jimin#taehyung#jungkook#bts sad
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halloween with kuroo, iwa, asahi and suga
@mer92 asked “Hiiii I've just started to follow you! Would it be possible to request HC for Kuroo, Iwa, Asahi and Suga on a Halloween date with their S/O? like what kind of costumes will they wear if they will be wearing matching costumes... Or if they would go to Halloween parties or just stay home? Thank you if you decide to write it down! 😊”
Hi, lovely! Thank you for following and requesting<3 it was very fun writing this! this is less plot-filled than my other hcs, i hope that’s ok with you
kuroo tetsurou
Kuroo likes Halloween
He’s not super hyped up about it, but he loves playing scary pranks on his friends and then using Halloween as an excuse :)
He tells Lev and Inuoka that the boy’s toilet on the 2nd floor is haunted and do they believe him?? Absolutely, yes.
He doesn’t mind going on spooky dates, either!
In fact, he’ll drag you to watch a horror film or stay up all night exchanging scary stories
He would also probably take you and the team “ghost hunting” around the school after volleyball practice when it’s dark and no one’s around
Nerd boy with his nerd costumes
He doesn’t want to spend too much effort or money in a costume he’s only going to wear once this year, but he doesn’t want a lame costume, either
He’d love to get matching costumes with you!!
But all his suggestions will be either memey or nerdy costumes
The firsts that come to mind are the ‘woman screaming at cat’ (he’ll be the cat) or he’ll get you both matching t-shirts with the elements copper (Cu) and tellurium (Te) printed on them “so when we stand next to each other, everyone can see how CuTe we are”
He is also not opposed to character costumes like Rick and Morty or Hogwarts wizards/witches
Kuroo will go to a party with you and slip away for a while the second you both get there with no explanation and then very unsuspiciously hang around you all night
Later you find out he has signed you both up for the costume contest
The both of you are definitely not the best dressed ((read below: suga and his s/o)) but strut on the stage like it’s a fashion show
Or if you refuse to go up and participate because you were involuntarily signed up, Kuroo will still go up alone, pick up a microphone with a deadpan face and say “this is supposed to be a matching costume but there were some technical difficulties” you brought this on yourself, kuroo
Haunted houses and horror films are definitely his favourite things about Halloween!
I feel like Kuroo isn’t afraid of the ghosts and stuff, but he doesn’t handle being jumpscared well
When he gets shocked while in a haunted house or during a movie, he’ll yelp out a bunch of swears lmao
But he loves the temporary adrenaline rush and 10/10 will do it again
If you tease him and call him a scaredy cat, he’ll pout
And you can expect him trying to sneak up on you and scare you the next day
iwaizumi hajime
Iwa doesn’t care much for Halloween
He gets a little annoyed at all the Halloween-themed products that stores come out with because he thinks it’s just a marketing scheme to sell some overpriced shit (it is)
But if you want to go try out pumpkin desserts or visit a haunted house, he’ll indulge you just because he loves spending time with you no matter what you two end up doing
He’s usually not one to dress up for Halloween
The most he’s done is put on a t-shirt with a superhero logo on it 🙄
Oikawa has tried multiple years to get him in “matching best friend costumes” but Iwa has never once agreed
But if you pout a little a few weeks before Halloween, bribe him with some kisses, catch him in a good mood, he’ll say yes (make sure to say no takebacks)
Deciding on a costume consists of you giving suggestions and Iwa saying yes or no to them
He doesn’t want to do something very costume-y, he prefers to wear an outfit that can pass as a regular outfit but it’s based on a character from a movie or series
E.g. Kim and Ron from Kim Possible, Ash/Misty and Brock from Pokemon (Iwa would be perfect as Brock??? he’s already got the hair down fdkjs), Sandy and Danny from Grease (show off his arms yes)
Iwaizumi will go to a Halloween party because all his friends are going lol
Oikawa will be devastated when he sees Iwa wearing matching costumes with you and this is partly why he agreed to do it with you
He’ll keep you by his side or follow you around for most of the party because “the costume won’t make sense if he’s standing alone” or whatever sir just say you’re too shy to do it alone
If you want to stay home, he’s fine with it too
Whether you want to have a movie marathon, bake something, carve pumpkins, anything really, he’ll do it with you
Lowkey wants to watch scary films so he can “protect you” if you get scared
Like if you’re squeezing his arm during a scary scene he’ll be like “it’s not that scary, you wimp” but also he’s pulling you closer and putting his arm around you and his heart is fluttering-
so in conclusion: iwa is a simp for you
Bonus: one time you came over to his house and his mom showed you a picture of 6-year-old Iwaizumi dressed up as godzilla for Halloween💖
azumane asahi
Halloween isn't his favourite holiday for um.. personal reasons
Once October comes around, Asahi is already being tormented by some of his friends (it’s suga) scaring him
He doesn’t despise everything about Halloween, though - in fact, there are some things he really loves about Halloween
Like going to a pumpkin festival, baking sweet treats together, enjoying a walk in the park with the pretty autumn scenery, or choosing and DIY-ing costumes
Asahi loves the costume planning with you!!
The both of you will take days or even weeks in advance finding the perfect costume and figuring out how to make them
He definitely prefers the cute costumes over gory costumes
Some of the costume ideas are Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, Cheshire Cat/Alice and the Mad Hatter/White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, or characters from the Wizard of Oz
i don’t know why all of these are from children’s fantasy stories im sorry-
You and Asahi will take turns going to each other’s houses after school or on weekends and working on your costumes together (It’s his favourite part (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ))
If he goes to a Halloween party, it’ll probably be a small gathering, such as a potluck with the Karasuno volleyball team
Everyone will be in awe of how cute you two look!!
If the team decides to switch off the lights and leave a flashlight on, gather around and tell spooky stories, he’ll want you next to him and you two will be holding onto each other
the first and second years are so jealous of their senpai and his cute s/o
Haunted houses are a no-no, sorry
Asahi doesn’t mind staying in either!
If you have a movie marathon, you guys binge Harry Potter or Studio Ghibli movies (they have magic so they’re Halloween movies right?)
Though if you’re a horror movie fanatic, he’ll try to watch a scary film with you
He will also have a lot of snacks! And the best hot chocolate you will ever have
I can also imagine Asahi doing your nails? And maybe he’ll let you do his nails too
You two make cute designs of little ghosts and pumpkins but don’t let each other see until it’s finished so it’s a surprise
You share lots of cuddles and kisses afterwards, and Asahi can’t wait to spend another sweet Halloween with you🥺🥰
Bonus: Kageyama showed up in his volleyball uniform and said his costume is a volleyball player :)?
sugawara koushi
Suga loves Halloween!!
It’s an excuse to have fun, cute dates under the guise of “keeping up the tradition”
Even before Halloween, he’ll take you on cafe dates to a different place each week to try out the pumpkin specials
You two will make jack-o-lanterns and then compare to see who did a better job, which could potentially end up in a tickle fight
This boy is going all out with the costumes!!
Maybe it’s the mom instincts, but he’s not settling on some cheap online/store-bought costume and he’ll DIY for both his s/o and himself
It’ll be an iconic couple and something very chic
Like you know Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka‘s family halloween costumes? That’s the vibes you two have
Examples of your costumes include: Morticia & Gomez from The Addams Family, Jack and Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask (plss)
You help each other put on each other’s costumes and make-up <333
Both of you will go to a halloween party, even if it’s just a few close friends gathering, and you two are gonna be the IT couple
your outfits and makeup will be on point all through the night and everyone will be so jealous💖
He’d probably take you trick or treating to a few houses for fun tbh HAHA
Your neighbours open up their front door to see.. Two grown ass children?? With costumes looking like they were professionally made??? Grinning and holding out their trick or treat bags?????
They’ll be so confused they end up giving you guys candy anyway
Suga is also a horror fanatic!
If you let him, he’ll drag you to a haunted house attraction
He’s the type to laugh at the scares :)
But he’ll hold your hand and let you cling to his arm if you’re scared, trying to reassure you
He’ll also arrange a horror movie marathon + sleepover!
After you get back, clean up and change into your comfiest pyjamas, Suga has already set up the living room
The couch is stacked with pillows and blankets, some of the lights are switched off, there’s a large bowl of popcorn and your trick-or-treat loot on the table and the movies are already queued on the TV
If you’re not a big fan of horror movies, he’ll opt for less scary but still Halloween-themed movies like Corpse Bride, The Nightmare Before Christmas or Coraline (coraline’s kinda creepy but so good), or the “horror/thriller” movies that are just bad so you both can laugh at them
You and Suga snuggle under the blankets with pillows all around, munching on your snacks and watching the movies until you both fall asleep together
thank you for reading! hope you enjoyed~
#haikyuu!!#haikyuu#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu!! x reader#haikyuu headcanons#haikyuu scenarios#haikyuu!! headcanons#haikyuu!! scenarios#haikyuu imagines#haikyuu!! imagines#kuroo#kuroo tetsuro#kuroo x reader#kuroo tetsuro x reader#iwaizumi#iwaizumi hajime#iwaizumi x reader#asahi#azumane asahi#asahi x reader#sugawara koushi#sugawara koushi x reader
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❀ nostalgia | “i haven’t seen you since the day we...broke up” feat. kuroo tetsurou
⇢ day 3 of angstcember
⇢ synopsis: airports aren’t really a place where people linger around but you find yourself unable to leave quite yet and face a new chapter in your life. even more so when you run into kuroo, your ex-boyfriend, whose flight has been delayed
⇢ a/n: this is probably my fave so far because i love flashbacks and nostalgia-themed fics. also partially inspired by this movie i watched about two strangers who got stuck in an airport and grew closer. hope you guys like this!
⇢ pairing: kuroo tetsurou x f!reader
⇢ word count: 2.6k words
ANGSTCEMBER MASTERLIST (feat. haikyuu!! and bungou stray dogs)
━━━━━━━━✿ ━━━━━━━━
kuroo tetsurou wasn’t a fan of being stuck in airports. actually, he wasn’t a fan of being stuck anywhere and having to be idly wait for something. kenma liked to say that it was karma because he kept using that ‘we are the blood that keeps the ball in motion blah blah’ back in high school. he kind of wish he could be like his best friend who was content with waiting for long stretches of time as long as he had his phone or game console.
kuroo sighed as he sat down in the waiting area, pulling his suitcase next to his feet. he already had his lunch and walked around the airport twice, browsing the shops selling overpriced local goods and a few amenities like massage chairs and spas. kuroo pulled out his phone to scroll through social media for a bit only to get bored of that too and glance at his watch repeatedly. there were eight more hours left until his flight. kuroo wished he didn’t have to travel to whole other country for the first time one his own.
little did he know, he was about to get company soon.
...
your flight had arrived at the airport early, way too early for your liking. after piling your luggage on one of the carts in the airport, you idled at the baggage reclaiming area, unable to walk to where departures was. ‘what are you so afraid of? you’ve been waiting to come home for so long,’ you scolded yourself.
a few minutes into your waiting time, you received a call from your mother asking about your flight. you bit your thumbnail anxiously as you talked to her and you don’t know what came over you, but you ended up saying: “sorry, my flight hasn’t left yet.”
“it’s delayed?”
“yeah, sorry. i probably won’t be at the airport until night there.”
“alright. maybe you can find something to do. give us a call when you’re at the airport already.”
“sure, mom. goodbye,” you said before hanging up. now, with some fresh time to kill, you pushed your luggage around the airport. it had been years since you were last in japan. in fact, this was the very airport you left for the US from. while walking around, you tried to remember if the same shops and stalls were still there. ‘nothing much has changed,’ you thought with a smile, wheeling your luggage cart into what appeared to be a waiting area that had a television and some armchairs.
you were making your way to one of the chairs when you realized that there was something strangely familiar about the man sitting in that area. he was wearing a gray, business suit and sitting on the chair with a foot propped up on his knee. what struck you most was his hair, black and sticking out it in different directions, when you realized who it belonged to.
“kuroo... tetsurou?” you said aloud. and, at the sound of your voice, he turned to see you.
...
“y/n?”
kuroo couldn’t believe his eyes. here you were, in the airport of all places, with an expression on your face that matched his. you had changed quite a bit since he last saw you but, your eyes, your lips, your face, kuroo couldn’t possibly forget any of those.
“it’s really you,” he chuckled, standing up and going over to you.
“yeah, likewise,” you smiled, eyeing him up and down. you’ve never seen kuroo in a business suit and quite frankly, he looked really good.
“i haven’t seen you since the day we... broke up,” kuroo said, eyes softening as he remembered the painful memory.
“that’s because i hopped onto a plane the day after,” you shrugged a shoulder.
“ah, right.”
“well, how have you been?” you asked, to ease the awkwardness. “never thought i’d see you in a suit.”
“right? it was weird at first but now it feels like a second skin,” kuroo chuckled. “i work for the japan volleyball association.”
“no kidding? that’s amazing!” you grinned. “i always knew you couldn’t get away from volleyball.”
“i may not be in a team but it still is fun. and how about you? you’re the one who moved all the way to new york!” kuroo asked.
“well, it wasn’t easy,” you shook your head. “it’s a pretty long story actually.”
unlike kuroo, you were more familiar with airports and traveling from country to country. you didn’t mind lingering in airports, in fact, you enjoyed them quite a bit. you found out that airports were quite similar to each other, no matter what country they were in. furthermore, time always seemed to vary among different people who were either rushing to their next flight or waiting to get to their next destination, wherever it was.
it felt like some strange form of fate that you would meet kuroo, of all people, in the airport, of all places.
“funny thing is, my flight has been delayed,” kuroo chuckled. “so, i have eight hours to kill.”
“is that so?” you cocked your head and smiled, “i happen to have time to kill too.”
...
“a little bit to the left.”
“y/n, you just told me to move to the right.”
“but you moved too much to the right!” you pouted, putting your hands on your hips. kuroo was helpless to that pout so he moved half an inch to the right. you grinned, and crouched down to peer through your video camera.
“alright, perfect! now, just say your lines.”
as tired as kuroo was, he’d do anything for you and that meant being cast in more than a few of your short films. particularly now that you were trying to put together a portfolio to attend film school abroad.
“everything alright?” kuroo asked, creeping into your room with a mug of your favorite tea. your hair was a mess and the sweatshirt you were wearing -- kuroo’s sweatshirt -- looked like it hadn’t been washed in days.
“have i told you how much i hate editing?” you murmured, eyes still focused on the screen.
“once or twice,” kuroo placed the mug on your desk and ran a hand through your hair. you sighed at the touch, leaning back against the chair.
“i just wish it would magically become like what’s in my head, you know?” you sighed.
“well, maybe whoever’s looking through your portfolio will just be impressed by my amazing acting,” kuroo joked.
“you’re acting is just alright!” you laughed, looking up and pulling kuroo closer to press his forehead against yours. “i really hope i get in.”
“you’ll do amazing, love,” kuroo murmured, pressing kisses on your forehead. “i just know it.
...
“so, that’s how i ended up with the job!” you exclaimed. you and kuroo had migrated from the waiting area to a small cafe that served really good coffee and cakes.
“amazing! who would have thought a lot more emailing was going to do the trick?” kuroo clapped his hands.
“well, you were the one who taught me how to be persistent in the first place,” you smiled at him before sipping your tea. blackberry tea, still evidently your favorite. kuroo smiled wistfully as he remembered the mugs of tea he’d make and bring to your room whenever he knew you were stressed. he even kept a metal can of blackberry tea in his apartment and when you left, he didn’t know what to do with it. in fact, kuroo had stashed it in the very back of the kitchen cabinet because seeing it reminded him too much of you.
“i’m glad that still stuck with you,” kuroo smiled up at you.
“how about you? you didn’t completely forget about me, did you?” you joked.
“you? never.”
you bit your lip at the soft way kuroo said that. of course, kuroo wasn’t the type who easily forgot people. despite how good he was at provoking and annoying people, you knew kuroo was just one of the kindest, most loyal people you would ever meet.
“in fact,” kuroo leaned back in his chair. “i still do my laundry the way you taught me how.”
“really? with putting your socks in a laundry net so it wouldn’t get lost?” you laughed. kuroo, raised his pant leg, showing off his socks.
“i’ve had these since university days,” he boasted.
“oh, i think i remember those even!” you played along. kuroo laughed, the sound bringing you back to so many nights spent watching movies and eating cereal at three in the morning. after the break-up, remembering all of those only made you want to burst into tears so you spent a long time trying to bury them in your memory. but after a while, when you thrusted yourself into your new life in a different country pursuing your dreams, thinking back to the good times with kuroo didn’t hurt so much. it was bittersweet, actually.
...
“but... i thought--”
“i know, kuroo, i know,” you sighed, blinking hard and looking up at the ceiling. this was a conversation you’ve been wanting to avoid for weeks. after receiving your application letter and the celebration, you were hit with the realization that maybe your relationship with kuroo couldn’t continue. and what’s more, kuroo kept on talking about how you guys were going to work with the long-distance. you had to break it to him.
“just think about it, okay?” you pleaded. “i’m going to be gone for a long time. even when i do have breaks in between semesters, i’ll probably have to work jobs in between to help pay for living expenses. if we did do the long-distance thing, we wouldn’t even have the time or effort to put into our relationship anymore.”
“i’m willing to!” kuroo exclaimed, his eyes wide and desperate. “i don’t mind waiting for weeks in between calls. i don’t mind that i won’t see you in person for years. i’m willing to work with this because i know you’ll be out there chasing after your dream!”
“kuroo...” you choked back a sob. how could you think of breaking up with him after hearing all that? you were never going to find another man like him.
but, you wanted other things too.
“i’m sorry, kuroo,” you shook your head. “but, i don’t think i’d be willing to continue with that.”
“y/n, you promised,” kuroo said softly. “you said--”
“kuroo, it’s easy to promise things when you don’t how it will all turn out in the end.”
“so that’s it then?” his voice turned cold.
“we can still be friends--”
“i don’t think so,” kuroo cut you off. “you probably wouldn’t want to put effort in that either.”
...
“so, are we... going to talk about it?”
“i think the day was pretty much heading to that,” you admitted. after spending a good part of the day talking and walking around the airport, you and kuroo were leaning against a railing, looking down below at the people hurrying to buy their tickets or meeting their loved ones. in a way, you and kuroo felt distant; alienated from the rushing crowd
“i... what i did and said was completely unfair,” kuroo apologized. “at that time, i was upset because all i was thinking about was what i wanted and when that didn’t align with yours, i just told myself that you were the selfish one. and, for that, i’m sorry.”
“it’s alright,” you smiled, looking at the genuine expression on kuroo’s face.
“i really convinced myself that we were going to last but i guess i was being naive about it,” he chuckled.
“you’re not the only one. i also thought that too for a time but,” you shrugged and looked down at the sea of people below. “life happens.”
“life happens.”
“hey, isn’t it almost your flight already?” you asked, looking up at kuroo who checked his watch again.
“yeah, half an hour actually,” kuroo said regretfully. “what about yours?”
“i... don’t have one,” you finally confessed. “i got off my flight earlier today and i was supposed to be picked up but, i kind of chickened out with leaving the airport and then i ran into you.”
“how come? are you running away from something?” kuroo asked, leaning against the railing next to you.
“well, more like avoiding something. when i step out of this airport, i’ll be heading into a completely new chapter of my life,” you said, staring into the distance before turning to glance at kuroo. then, you held out your hand to him.
kuroo finally noticed what had been pretty much in front of him all along: the ring on your finger. ‘oh,’ he realized, being unable to tear his gaze away from it.
“i... didn’t notice.”
“i kind of didn’t want you to,” you admitted, taking your hand back. “i feel like you wouldn’t have hung out with me for this long if you knew. so, i guess we’re even when it comes to being selfish.”
“i would have been taken aback a bit,” kuroo agreed. “but, i don’t think i’d really miss out on an opportunity to talk to you.”
“really? i’m glad,” you said earnestly, feeling your chest swell again. “in all honesty, i don’t think i’d feel this okay right now if i hadn’t run into you.”
“likewise. i’m glad to see you again, y/n,” kuroo said, glancing one last time at the ring on your finger. “so, who’s the lucky guy?” he grinned.
“i met him at work,” you felt yourself flush. “it’s funny, actually. we didn’t get along at all at first but, one thing led to another and we ended up together. he’s really sweet, a bit of a nerd to be honest, and,” you shrugged, “he makes me feel loved.” you paused and reached over to squeeze kuroo’s hand.
“if i hadn’t met you, i wouldn’t have known that i deserved to be loved this much.”
...
your fiancee texted you a few minutes later and kuroo absolutely insisted, despite your protests, to walk you to the exit. there was a strange feeling in his chest, a feeling of tightness that was slowly dissipating, and kuroo could only chalk that up to the revelation that you were engaged.
once again, he had hoped that day that meeting you here at the airport was some kind of special, destined event that was hopefully going to reignite what was lost in the past. in the end, it was a special, destined event, just not the kind kuroo had hoped for.
it hurt, almost as much as your break-up, but kuroo knew he would be able to manage it.
“well, this is me,” you smiled, turning back to him. “it was so good to see you, kuroo. really.”
“you too,” he nodded, pausing awkwardly, before deciding to spread his arms as an invitation for you to hug him. you laughed and leaned forward, allowing yourself to be engulfed by his arms. for a minute, you remembered standing in the middle of his apartment, wearing kuroo’s sweatshirt again.
“i’m happy for you, y/n. i truly am,” kuroo whispered.
“me too,” you leaned back. “we got everything we wanted.” just, not each other, kuroo added as an afterthought.
“take care!” you waved, pushing your luggage cart to where your fiancee was parked. kuroo watched from a distance as your fiancee stepped out of his car and greeted you with a hug and a kiss, before helping place your luggage in the trunk. for a moment, kuroo had a vision of him being the one greeting you at the airport, saying something like ‘welcome home, y/n,’ but it disappeared as quickly as it came.
this encounter with you in the airport had already become a part of his past.
kuroo picked up his luggage again, dragging it behind him as he walked back into the airport. it was late and he still had a flight to catch.
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Woo Do-Hwan: Interview with Hanryu Pia - May 2019
@staidwaters - Once again, thank you so much for patiently cleaning up and correcting my translation!! ;__; You’re like a superhero swooping down from on high to make my noob efforts look good!
@ibelongtomousse - Thank you for listening to me cry whenever I encounter another translator’s dilemma! It’s old news to you but it still feels new to me every time I run into the same problem!
Fans have been eagerly waiting for Woo Do-hwan to star in a full-scale romance, and now he’s taken the challenge with the drama “The Great Seducer”. He burst into the limelight from his role as a brave high school student in the drama “Save Me”, then transformed into a young man who strove to expose insurance swindlers in “Mad Dog”. In a complete change of image, he now enthusiastically takes on the fascinating role of a playboy.
A transformation into a narcissistic playboy:
The romantic drama “The Great Seducer” portrayed a dangerous game of passion amongst youths living in high society.
This dramatic work remade the narrative motifs of the classic French novel “Dangerous Liaisons”, which has been adapted for live action and theatre countless times around the world.
WDH: When I read the script, I didn’t know that this was a drama based off of an existing work. I watched the film “Untold Scandal”, starring Bae Yong-joon, and I also saw the Korean-Chinese film collaboration “Dangerous Liaisons”, but I feel that my acting is never constrained by the original performances. “Save Me” was also a drama that was based on a webcomic, but in the beginning, I didn’t know that there was an original work in existence.
Woo Do-hwan portrayed the character of Kwon Shi-hyun, the son of the chairman of a financial conglomerate. He’s a true playboy who takes down women with a single look, boasting, “There isn’t a single woman who hates me”.
WDH: The title “The Great Seducer” grabbed me right away. It’s pretty overblown wording, but I’d never seen a title with that much self-confidence before! The role of Shi-hyun fits the title completely. I was fascinated by his abundant self-confidence, unreserved manner of speaking and overwhelmingly self-absorbed dialogue.
The dramas "Save Me" and "Mad Dog" showcased Woo Do-hwan's bromances with Taecyeon (2PM) and Yu Ji-tae. But in this work, while taking advantage of his cool and shadowy charm, he crossed into a new frontier, becoming an indiscriminate and experienced womanizer. Born in the upper class and raised without knowing love, Shi-hyun starts a game of passion to woo and dump the honor student, Tae-hee (Red Velvet/Joy), only to genuinely fall for her without realizing it.
WDH: This is my first traditional romance. It was one of the genres that I’ve been wanting to challenge myself with, and no one has seen me in a romance like this work before, so I was really looking forward to it. I learned a lot through trial and error. Shi-hyun grows up due to the pain he feels during a game of passion. I did a lot of research into expressions of love, and what the kind of men who would cruelly and casually play games with women’s hearts are like. What kind of voice should I speak with, what kind of eyes should I have in order to lead women astray? (laugh) Be that as it may, the character is described as a twenty-year-old, so I had to take that aspect into consideration too.
Over and over, the audience was charmed by Woo Do-Hwan’s sexy, mysterious gaze, deep voice, and sweet, direct lines. Nicknames such as “Killer Kwon” and “First Kiss Expert” have spawned from his role’s lethal charm. When we asked him about these reactions, he became embarrassed, exclaiming “Uwaa” and laughing.
WDH: I’m so thankful to be granted those kinds of nicknames. “First Kiss Expert” is really embarrassing though! I think that I only appear that way because of how skillfully Soo-young (Joy’s real name) performed with me, and how the director and everyone on staff did us the favor of filming us beautifully.
A handsome high school student in a school uniform blazer:
Just like in “Save Me” where he played a high school student, this work also showcases a school uniform look. Woo Do-Hwan is very attractive in a rumpled blazer.
WDH: I want to wear school uniforms a lot while I still can (laugh). If there is a chance to do this type of drama again, I will always want to do it. Every time I wear a school uniform, I feel young and fresh. I remember the good old days. School uniforms are great.
During high school, Shi-hyun formed a terrible trio of troublemakers with his diva-like best friends, Se-joo (Kim Min-jae) and Soo-ji (Moon Ga-young). He did well in acting out the sentiment of a precocious high school student.
WDH: The three people in the drama are depicted as being wise-guys. They feel that they are the only ones in this world, so they pull a lot of pranks. I think that I lived a very ordinary life during my time in high school. I loved soccer; and I went to cram school after school. I was definitely a very average Korean high school student.
It seems at his present age of twenty-four, Woo Do-Hwan’s personality is very different from Shi-hyun’s.
WDH: I feel that I still have an overly cautious side. It’s not that I don’t want to think about things, but I should be more carefree. I often feel that there are many instances where I overthink and I cannot take action. I’m one of those people who always worries whether I’ll regret it whenever I start something new.
Shi-hyun carries out multiple seduction strategies in order to capture Tae-hee’s heart; however, Woo Do-Hwan especially likes the scene where he visits a nursing home.
WDH: I think that was a very fun scene. Shi-hyun met Tae-hee and accompanied her to the nursing home, but once there, he ended up doing things like cleaning the floor. Meeting all the grandmothers, and the other unexpected happenings that broke out were all very interesting.
From a dangerous love entrapment game to true love:
Shi-hyun falls into the love trap that he set up, and in the end, awakens to true love. Do you think it is possible for a love that started from a game to become the real thing?
WDH: I think it’s quite possible! That’s because we humans never know what will happen. I think that Shi-hyun is truly blessed to have Tae-hee as a friend. Here is a woman who is willing to accept and love an immature partner who tricked her and hurt her. I, Woo Do-Hwan, have never met anyone like that.
Well then, who is closer to your ideal type of woman: Tae-hee or Soo-ji?
WDH: In life it’s amazing to have a female friend like Soo-ji who you can talk to about anything, and to have a woman who is able to love like Tae-hee. The two have opposite personalities, so I think a girl who combined both their best points would be best. That’s incredibly greedy of me, but that would be ideal! (laugh)
Irreplaceable bonds formed in the time that these three actors from the same generation appeared together. It was Woo Do-hwan’s first experience co-starring with actors who were younger than himself.
WDH: Before filming started, I made time for the four of us to do things like eat meals and chat outside of the script reading. That’s how it happened. It was a challenge for me to be the eldest. Up until now, I was in the position of relying on my sunbaes. With my co-stars, I felt like we were friends of the same age. Within the drama, we were classmates, so I would usually call them by their role’s name without using honorifics. Instead of them feeling like younger siblings who had to defer to me or who I had to look after, I think it’s more accurate to say we became good friends.
Woo Do-hwan constantly appears in popular films, and will co-star with Park Seo-joon in the upcoming movie “The Divine Fury”, which opens in theaters this summer.
WDH: The film is in the occult genre but has a lot of action too. Parts of it will be spine-tingling, but that doesn’t mean it’s a straight horror film. It depicts the conflict between good and evil. While building the character for my new role, it feels as if I am pulling free from the old role that I just finished filming. I don’t like not having anything to do, so I’m the type who will read the script and continue to prepare while resting for a while, until it’s time to start filming the next work.
(And finally, a sad photo of the poster because my scanner is tiny, ^^;;)
Waiting for the day he gets to be on the magazine cover <3 :3
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How To Make Your Crush Fall In Love With You In Three Easy Steps by Gay-Natasha-Saves-The-World on Ao3 (aka your Frankenstein references in Harry Potter fanfiction dealer)
Chapter 2: Make Yourself Desirable
Ship: Perciver
Content warning: Spoilers to the American satirical comedy But I’m A Cheerleader staring Natasha Lyonne and Clea Duvall in the first paragraphs. (It’s free on YouTube if you haven’t seen it)
Summary: Percy is starting to question his feelings about Oliver while Oliver tries everything in his power to prove to Percy he’s sort of an intellectual
A/N: Online school has totally messed with my sleep schedule so midnight fic release woohoo
“I swear film studies attract the worst type of people,” Penny sighed as she sat down at the library table with her friends. “This Tarantino fanboy was trying to talk to me about Pulp Fiction and then acted like I killed his dog when I said I didn’t like it. Cinema peaked with But I’m A Cheerleader and you can’t convince me otherwise.”
“Oh please, what’s so good about that movie?” Cedric complained. “Ummm, it’s gay, it’s a commentary about how gender roles are bullshit, it has a happy ending, and prince Zuko is in it,” Penny argued while she was opening her lunch.
“I would hardly call getting disowned by your family and being homeless a happy ending.”
“Did you not pay attention to the movie at all? First of all, they weren’t homeless; they were staying with Larry and Lloyd Morgan-Gordon. And second of all the last scene of the movie shows Megan’s parents in a support group for people with gay children so clearly they didn’t disown her.” Penny could deal with a lot of bullshit, but someone saying But I’m A Cheerleader was a bad movie was not one of them.
Percy however found this hilarious, but he was trying to hold in his laughter since they were in a library and his laugh was notoriously loud. Penny and Cedric were continuing to argue about the movie and Percy managed to gain composure. That’s when he noticed Oliver looking at him from next to a shelf.
He gave him a small friendly wave before he walked away of embarrassment. Strange. But Percy decided not to think a lot about it.
“Was that your boyfriend?” Penny teased Percy. “Don’t be ridiculous, it's just my friend from English.” He replied trying everything he could not make his face blush. “Oh, so he’s the person we have to thank for getting you to finally shut up about it.” Cedric laughed.
There was no hiding Percy’s blush now. “Oh wait, I get it. He’s not your boyfriend but you want him to be.” Penny exclaimed like this was a great revelation. “No!” Percy said a bit louder than he meant to, earning a harsh glare from Ms. Pince. “He’s just my friend. Besides, I doubt he’s gay, and even if he is, how would he know I’m gay.”
“Your computer screensaver is literally a picture of Oscar Wilde. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.” Cedric replied matter-of-factly. Percy couldn’t even muster a reply to that. Yes, Cedric was right but that still didn’t prove that he would have any chance of ever being with Oliver.
I mean just look at him. He’s a lanky, ginger nerd who was too shy to have more than 2 good friends and Oliver was a gorgeous and popular star sports player. Even if Oliver was gay, why would he want to be with him when he could be with any other boy in school?
Before he knew it, lunch ended and he had to go on with his day. But the thought of Oliver would be on his mind for the rest of the day.
Oliver was extremely tired after track practice. Besides the growing mountain of homework he had, he wanted to read the book for Percy. As much as he wanted to ignore it, if he did his grades would drop even lower and he would absolutely be kicked from the team. So the book could wait for now.
By the time he was done with his homework, he felt like he was about to pass out. But he HAD to read the book. It couldn’t be that hard to read, right? After all, he watched the movie with his parents a few years ago.
Oliver couldn’t even get past page 3 of Frankenstein before almost dozing. “I thought there was supposed to be a monster…” He mumbled to himself as he set the book down. He decided that he will try again tomorrow. If that didn’t work he would just SparkNotes it. It was almost 11 pm anyway.
For the next week, Oliver spent virtually every bit of the little free time he had reading Frankenstein. It was deceptively small for the amount of effort it took to read it. But late one night, he finally finished it.
The amount he took in was debatable but he understood enough to prove he read it. Just as he was thinking about messaging Percy about it, his phone beeped. He picked it up to see Percy had already messaged him.
ThatPercival: Do you still need help with the English homework?
Oliver.Would: Nah, I figured it out.
ThatPercival: Oh, okay.
Oliver.Would: I’ve been getting better at English this semester lol. I actually just finished reading Frankenstein.
ThatPercival: Really? What did you think about it?
Oliver.Would: I thought you were right about it being a better Jekyll and Hyde.
ThatPercival: Right? Mary Shelley did it first and better. I don’t know why we don’t read it instead.
Oliver.Would: If you got to pick the books we read in school people would actually pay more attention.
ThatPercival: I doubt they would pay any more attention to Pride and Prejudice or the Picture of Dorian Gray than they already do when they’re reading The Great Gatsby. But I would have more fun.
Oliver.Would: Touche. But at least we would be reading better books. You don’t even understand how boring English was before you came along.
ThatPercival: Speaking of English, what happened in the first semester that made Mr. Lupin have assigned seating? He never did that last year.
Oliver.Would: Oh yeah, Marcus Flint punched someone in the face over a seat.
ThatPercival: Asgjfhksdfkfdj What????
Oliver.Would: Yeah some kid sat in the seat he usually sat in, they argued about it for a few minutes and then he just punched him. He got suspended for a few weeks and Mr. Lupin had to change the rules. It was the only notable thing that happened in the first half of the year.
ThatPercival: That seems like a pretty severe reaction for someone sitting in your seat.
Oliver.Would: Yeah lol.
The conversation died after that and Percy felt quite sad about it. He would talk to Oliver all night if he could. It didn’t matter if he would see him in the morning. He’s found himself wanting to talk to Oliver about everything. Found a meme about the book they read in class? He would send it to Oliver. His siblings did something generally annoying? He would let off steam by talking to Oliver.
He still talked to Penny and Cedric about the random shit they always talked about, but he wanted to talk to Oliver way more. It just felt more, natural? Why would it feel more natural? He’s known Penny and Cedric since middle school and he’s known Oliver for like 3 months.
He put his phone on his bedside table and sighed heavily. All of this was just so confusing. He could read and understand some of the most advanced works in literature but his brain was a different story. Oliver made him feel an emotion he couldn’t describe.
His pondering was cut off by the ungodly noise his siblings were making seemingly right outside his door. They always seemed to do this at the worst times. It was 10:30 at night, what could they possibly be doing? Before he even got to the door, his mom was already telling them off.
Now he could return to trying to decode his feelings for Oliver. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Penny said a few weeks ago. Did he really want Oliver to be his boyfriend? Okay, maybe there was some truth in that. But there was still no way Oliver would want to be his boyfriend.
So what if he read a book he mentioned once? Maybe he was just trying to be friendly or expanding his literary horizons. That doesn’t mean he wants Percy to be his boyfriend. Why would he want to be his boyfriend? The two of them couldn’t have been more different.
But he shouldn’t waste time thinking about it. He had to sleep. He put his phone on the charger, turned his lights off, got into bed, and tried not to think about how madly in love with Oliver he was.
#harry potter#percy weasley#oliver wood#perciver#fanfiction#gay#percy weasley x oliver wood#muggle au#Highschool#classic literature brain rot#references to Frankenstein
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Movies I watched in January 2021.
(only includes movies I watched for the first time)
A stranger outside (directed by Jake Helgren) – 2018 (12) 2½ stars.
This film is a who is it/who did it movie about a girl named Daphne (played by Brittney Underwood) who is babysitting a young boy called Toby (played by Jet Jurgensmeyer) whose parents are out of town.
I gave it a low rating since I found it very dumb and the acting is not good, a hard movie to take seriously, the characters are also very stupid, and it is an overall very predictable movie.
But saying that, I would still recommend if you want to watch a movie you can make fun of and like seeing family bonds being made (between the babysitter and the boy). It is also a good movie if you want to get into horrors/thrillers or get someone else into them.
*spoilers*
The main reasons I found this a dumb movie is how obvious it was that the maid was the killer, like, what maid only cleans the kitchen and does it in less than 5 minutes? She was also an overall bad killer and felt like a very lazy try.
Also, the girls reaction to everything, I don’t understand why they didn’t lock all the doors and how Daphne walked through the door that she put the windchime, a very dumb move. Also, Daphne’s friends when being killed, I could not wait for the scene to be over, she wasn’t doing a particularly good job at trying to escape.
*spoilers done*
Uncle frank (directed by Alan Ball)– 2020 (15) 5 stars.
This film is about an 18-year-old named Beth (played by Sofia Lillis) who travels back from Manhattan to her hometown Creek Ville, South Carolina, with her uncle Frank (played by Paul Bettany) for a funeral and end up being joined by his boyfriend (Played by Peter Macdissi).
I gave this film such a high rating because of how real this movie feels and how the acting feels so pure and you can tell that they put effort into this. I also just really love family connections in movies. It is just such a beautiful movie, made me cry so much. This film also really highlights how much Frank is terrified of his parents fining out he is gay.
I just highly recommend this movie. Anything I say will not do this film justice.
*spoilers*
The main scenes that really stuck out to me where:
1) The flash back scenes between young Frank and past lover Sam. Mainly the scene where his dad (played by Stephen Root) catches them together one night. And he didn’t the relationship his son had with the other boy, which sends Frank into a panic. This scene also shows the type of man his dad was and how that impacted Frank.
2) The will reading where Frank is outed. This scene really pinpoints how much hatred Franks dad had towards him. In this scene you can also see the sheer panic he has and doesn’t want to stick around and find out what is family will say.
*spoilers done*
Deadly detention (directed by Blair Hayes) – 2017 (15) 1 star.
This film is about 5 high school students; the ‘hot girl’ Lexi (played by Alex Frnka), ‘hot boy’ Barrett (played by Henry Zaga), the ‘sporty female jock’ Jessica (played by Sarah Davenport), ‘the skateboarder’ Taylor (played by Jenifer Robyn Jacobs) and the ‘presumed gay, Christian’ with his bejewelled bible named Kevin (played by Coy Stewart), who all have Saturday detention. Their detention takes place in a now closed prison with someone trying to kill them.
I gave the film such a low rating since its just bad. The script is awful, the characters are written so poorly, I can’t believe this movie was able to be realised, it is also very predictable, you are able to tell who the killer is within the first 10 minutes.
This movie gave me the vibe of a poorly rewrite of ‘the breakfast club’ if it was a horror in prison. But if you want something you can watch to laugh at and not take seriously then you could watch this.
*spoilers*
The main things that really annoyed me with this film are not that the killer was obviously the cop but that:
1) Barrett never stops smiling! Someone is trying to kill him, and he doesn’t even care.
2) Taylor and her skateboard, she can’t even ride properly, she should have left it, it’s not important.
3) Keven and his light up shoes, and how he had to make sure they were on the same colour, he should leave them alone and hide.
4) And just the fact that Barrett and Lexi care more about hooking up than trying to escape a killer, especially when Berrett is already dating Jessica.
*spoilers done*
Deadpool (directed by Tim Miller) – 2016 (15) 4 stars.
This film is about a man named Wade Wilson (played by Ryan Reynolds), who wants to get revenge on a man named ajax/Francis (played by Ed Skrein) for experimenting on him to cure Wades cancer and to give him healing abilities, but it ends up leaving him disfigured.
I gave this movie a high rating because of how it managed to include multiple genres at once; for example, this film included, action, a little gore, comedy, raunchy and romance. Also, the uses of breaking the fourth wall, I think was done particularly well.
Other things I like about this film is that he does not call himself a hero, because he does not want to be and at the end of the day, he isn’t one, but he’s also not a villain.
*spoilers*
An example of this is right near the end when Colossus is giving that classic ‘you can be a hero’ hero speech, Deadpool shoots Ajax. Because killing him was what the main plot of the film was.
*spoilers done*
Soul (directed by Pete Doctor) – 2020 (PG) 3½ stars.
This film is about the journey of jazz piano player/middle school teacher, Joe Gardner (voiced by Jamie Foxx), who experiences a near death experience that gets him trapped in the afterlife, trying to reunite his soul and body, who is landed the responsibility to be the mentor to the soul, 22 (voiced by Tina Fey), who needs to find her spark to be sent to earth.
I gave this movie a middle rating because I like what it portrays – where your dreams come from, where your interests come from, also that for some, it can take a lot longer than others to figure out what they are. However, I feel like this film feel flat the longer it went on, it also feels like the people working on this got bored at the end and did not care anymore. Could as well be due to do with the fact that there were a couple things I thought would happen and make more sense but did not happen.
But its still, at the end of the day a cute, funny, family movie and great for kids to learn that they should do what they love and its okay if they take longer than others to figure out what they love to do.
*spoilers*
Examples of what I thought would happen/hoped would happen that would have made sense to be in the film are:
1) I was expecting that Joe was going to realise that he liked being a teacher. The flash backs really set up that was going to happen but then I just did not.
2) I was hoping that we would get a time skip to a few years later and joe and the person that 22 went into would meet. I was expecting that the happen from the beginning.
*spoilers done*
Adventures in babysitting/A night in the town (directed by Chris Columbus) – 1987 (12 or pg. if you watch the Disney + cut) 4 stars.
This film is about 17-year-old Chris Parker (played by Elisabeth Shue) who is babysitting 8-year-old Sara Anderson (played by Maia Brewton) and her 15-year-old brother, Brad (Played by Keith Coogan), but ends up in a night full of adventures, along with Brad’s friend, Daryl (played by Anthony Rapp), due to Chris needing to pick up her friend, Brenda (played by Penelope Ann Miller).
I gave this movie a high rating because I think it’s a nice funny, sweet movie. I has great family like bonds between them all, which I love to see, and it makes you feel good watching it.
What I liked in this film was that it felt like it wasn’t trying to be realistic and because of that anything so unrealistic that happens feels normal.
I do highly recommend this movie to anyone who likes comedic adventurous films.
*spoilers*
One thing I liked that I found funny was how the gang was trying to capture the kids and Chris all because of the Playboy.
I also really love the scene when we find out Chris’s boyfriend, mike (played by Bradley Whitford), was cheating and after Brads speech about Chris then says he isn’t going to hurt mike because he is a bigger person, Daryl kicks mike. I think the main reason I loved this scene was because it really shows how different each character is from each other, but they still have a great friendship.
One thing that did annoy me about this film was Chris and Dan together at the end. It would have been okay for me, but she broke up with her boyfriend that night. Also, we don’t know how old Dan is, all we know is he is in collage and Chris is 17 in high school.
*spoilers done*
Z-O-M-B-I-E-S (directed by Paul Hoen) – 2018 (pg.) 4½ stars.
This film is about a zombie named Zed (played by Milo Manheim) and a human cheerleader named Addison (played by Meg Donnelly) who become close very quickly and need to hide that due to the fact that humans still believe that zombies are evil monsters.
I gave this film a high rating due to the how this movie made me feel, it quickly became a comfort movie for me, if you watch it you will understand where I’m coming from.
I also want to point out that yes, this is a very cheesy movie but its Disney channel, what else do you expect?
And despite it being the classic Disney channel cheese it is, I would like to pinpoint that it covers issues I think kids should learn about, for example; discrimination, not to pay attention to stereotypes and rumours also not to bully someone and just because they may be ‘different’
Highly recommend to all kids and anyone older if they love cheesy films.
*spoilers*
I have seen that some people don’t like the fact that Addison compared her hair would get her treated the same way Zed gets does, and I can see where they come from but to me, I interpret Addison’s hair and wig as real things people can hide about themselves, so they don’t get treated badly and zombies as something that people can’t hide about themselves.
*spoilers done*
Z-O-M-B-I-E-S 2 (directed by Paul Hoen) – 2020 (pg.) 2 ½ stars
This film is about werewolves coming to Seabrook/Zombietown due to their charms running out of their powers, needing to find the moon stone with help from a whitehaired teenager.
I gave this movie a low rating mainly due to how much it disappointed me. I expected much more, especially because of how the first one was amazing. This film felt very fast paced and felt like they didn’t put as much effort into it.
But saying that I do recommend watching, it’s still a fun time watching.
*spoilers*
Examples of what annoyed me in this movie was;
1. How the zombies as well as the humans automatically assumed the werewolves where evil. You would have thought that the zombies would be more understanding since humans thought that about them before and that humans wouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion as they were wrong about zombies.
2. The ban on all monsters when the zombies didn’t do anything wrong.
3. How bucky went back to hating zombies. I don’t understand why because at the end of the first movie he realised zombies aren’t bad.
4. Eliza should have ran for school resident! Mainly due to her having such strong views I feel like she would have taken it very seriously.
*spoilers done*
Official secrets (directed by Gavin Hood) – 2019 (15) 3¾ stars
This film is about the true events of Katherine Gun (played by Kira Knightly), who is a British intelligence specialist and leaked secret information about an illegal NSA spy operation made to urge the UN security council to give approval for the 2003 invasion of Iraq, to the press hoping to avoid this from happening.
I gave this movie this rating due to how it keeps you engaged in what is happening, despite it being a sort of slow burn. Also, from what I heard it stayed true the real events (I’m 17 so I wasn’t old enough to remember it myself) and I like how it used the actual news footage.
This movie is also easy to follow and to know what’s happening.
I highly recommend this film if you love learning about true events/find them interesting.
The green mile (directed by Frank Darabont) – 1999 (18) 5 stars
This film is about Paul Edgecomb (played by Tom Hanks and Dabbs Greer), the commanding officer of the death row cellblock at Cold Mountain Penitentiary in Louisiana, who meets inmate, John Coffey (played by Michael Clarke Duncan), who has been accused of murdering two young girls. Paul’s life isn’t the same when he discovers John’s special gifts.
I gave this movie such a high rating because it’s just such a masterpiece of a movie. The actors did an amazing job at portraying their characters and made sure you like the characters your meant to like, despite what they did in the past and dislike the characters your meant to dislike.
This movie also gave me so many emotions, for example, one moment I’m really happy and the movie is making me feel good then the next I can’t stop crying.
Despite the rating being an 18+, I would recommend to anyone 15+.
*spoilers*
I would like to state that the mouse, Mr. Jingles is my favourite character so, if you have seen it, you can guess that when Percy (played by Doug Hutchinson) stepped on the poor thing busted into tears and then when John healed him, I started crying even more because I was so happy.
I also thought the ending to the film was very poetic in the way the Paul is still alive and that being his curse, and having to see everyone he cares about die, due to John being executed despite, in the end, being innocent.
*spoilers done*
Those are all the movies I watched this month. Please know that these are my opinions, and its perfectly okay of you have different ones.
This is the first time I have ever done something like this so please let me know how I can improve. And let me know your thoughts.
#A Stranger Outside#jake helgren#uncle frank#Allen ball#deadly detention#Blair Hayes#deadpool#tim miller#soul#pete doctor#adventures in babysitting#a night in the town#chris columbus#z-o-m-b-i-e-s#zombies#paul hoen#z-o-m-b-i-e-s 2#zombies 2#official secrets#gavin hood#the green mile#frank darabont#movie rating#movie review#movies#movie rant#movie ratings
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Have you ever watched a movie in class/school that made you cry?
Yes. I took this adulthood and aging psychology class and I forget what it was exactly the documentary we had to watch was about, but I remember being on the verge of tears because it reminded me of my grandpa who passed away.
What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about?
Uhh, I don’t know? Just whenever I fall asleep.
What is you favorite type of lunch meat?
Turkey, salami, and bologna.
What time of the year do you dislike the most?
Summertime.
Do you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs?
Ew, no.
What is your favorite color to wear?
Black.
Are you an overachiever?
No. Especially not these past few years where I haven’t done anything at all and put like no effort into anything. :/ At least when I was in school and things were better than how they’ve been the past few years I was productive in school and put effort into things and into myself. I’ve just given up.
What physical feature do you wish you had (i.e. freckles, curly hair)?
Perfect teeth.
What fictional character (i.e. Bambi, Scarlette O'Hara) would you marry?
Uh, I definitely don’t want to marry Bambi... anyway, I’d say one of the characters Alexander Skarsgard has played.
How long have you gone without shaving (girls- legs, armpits; boys- faces)?
I don’t know, a couple weeks or so.
Did you ever go through a phase where you wrote bad poetry?
Ha, yeah, when I was like 16 during my emo days. They’re so cringe.
What is your favorite thing about your life?
My family.
Have you ever painted a picture of somebody?
No.
How many real bfs/gfs have you had?
I honestly haven’t had a real, serious relationship.
Did you enjoy your past relationships?
With Joseph I did.
Name a comedy that you like.
Bridesmaids.
Could you wait until marriage for sex?
Yeah, but I don’t plan on getting married.
What’s the best Nirvana song?
Lithium.
What was the last thing that impressed you?
Hmm. I don’t recall.
When was the last time you were in a pet store?
It’s been awhile.
What nationality is your last name?
Irish, I think.
What’s your favorite kind of chips and dip?
Wavy Lay’s chips with ranch and French onion dip.
Who was the last boy that you saw cry?
My brother.
Does your mom know you do surveys?
I don’t think so.
Have you ever had a serious injury?
Yeah, the one that made me a paraplegic.
What was the last thing you achieved?
Uhhh.
Would you enjoy being famous?
I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be famous.
What’s under your bed?
Some medical supplies.
Do you enjoy travelling?
Yes.
Have you ever belonged to a club? If so, what was it?
I was in a couple clubs in high school and the psych club in community college.
When was the last time you drank strawberry milk?
It’s been a very long time.
Have you ever managed to collect all the fast food toys in a set?
Hmm, I don’t recall. I might have.
Do you have a clock in your room?
Yes, apart from the ones on my laptop, TV and phone, I have an actual wall clock as well.
Did you have a good driver’s ED teacher?
I didn’t take driver’s ed.
Which of Britney Spears’ songs is your favorite?
Hmm. Probably Toxic, Slave 4 U, Boys, and Lucky.
Does mind over matter work for you?
Sometimes.
Are you paranoid?
I definitely can be.
What is the best thing about winter?
Christmastime and the weather. I love that time of year.
Have you ever been truly in love?
I think so.
Are you currently planning a trip?
No, I wish.
How many plants are in your home?
Zero.
What is your favorite possession?
All my stuff.
Have you ever felt like you were too nice and way too often overlooked?
Yeah. I’ve been used and taken advantage of back in the day for being too nice.
What movies have tripped you out?
There’s been a few.
Did you rollerblade as a kid? Do you still rollerblade?
No.
Would you ever settle into a relationship that wasn’t right for you? Do you know friends who are in relationships just so they have someone to sleep with at night?
I’d like to say no, but I allowed Joseph to use and play me for 3 years, so. I knew deep down he didn’t feel the same way as I did and he didn’t want to be in a committed relationship with me, but I didn’t want to admit it. I liked the attention and the good times we had and I didn’t want to give that up. I would hope that now that I’m older and have experienced that I wouldn’t allow it to happen again. And yes, I had a friend who put up with a whole lot worse for that reason.
Would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating?
I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. I don’t want that floating around or existing at all out there.
Do you use earplugs or a sleeping mask when you sleep?
No.
What summertime treats do you love?
Milkshakes and ice cream.
How picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss?
I mean, I have to be interested in the person and feel comfortable doing so.
What do you hate most about moving?
The packing and unloading.
Do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting?
I wouldn’t know.
Do you drink 5 hour energy drinks or any other kinds of energy drinks?
Just the Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink.
Has anyone ever whistled at you?
Not that I know of.
Do you like scarves?
No. I don’t like things around my neck like that, it drives me nuts.
Is your father homophobic?
No.
Do you take gummy vitamins?
No. I don’t take vitamins at all, currently, although I really should.
Have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all?
No.
Who would you like to meet before you die?
I mean, I certainly wouldn’t mind meeting Alexander Skarsgard.
If your dream was to be a model, and a big opportunity came up, but you had to be nude, would you take it?
I don’t feel comfortable being nude when I’m just by myself, I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so publicly. Absolutely not.
What’s the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of?
There’s been a lot, but of course I’m blanking at the moment. Most are pretty crazy, though.
If Heaven and Hell exists, where are you going when you die?
I hope that go to heaven.
Who is the person that you are afraid of losing, above everyone else?
My loved ones.
What is one thing that pisses you off pretty much everyday?
Ugh, seems like just about anything can. I’m so irritable and moody all the time.
Is there anyone you know that you feel should consider therapy?
Yeah, me.
Do you like any of the songs on Twilight, or the actual movie/saga itself?
I loved Decode and Super Massive Blackhole.
How old was the first person you kissed?
He was 15 and I was 16.
Will you be a strict parent one day?
I don’t want to have kids.
Last person to stand up for you?
I don’t recall the last time I needed to be stood up for.
Have you been to a baby shower?
Yeah, I’ve been to a few.
Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater?
My mom and brother to see Candyman.
What’s your favorite high school memory?
I liked the rallies and some of the assemblies.
Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single?
Being single is best for me.
What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do?
I don’t know. I’m such a scardy cat.
What subject at school did you absolutely hate?
Math.
Italian food or Chinese food?
Italian.
Do you like to make flash cards when you study?
That wasn’t my usual study method, no. I preferred taking notes.
Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer?
Ha, uh no.
Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online?
I only watched those when they were shown in some of my college classes or was assigned to for homework. I’ve never watched any on my own.
I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike.
I don’t feel that way about anyone.
What do you think about Marilyn Manson?
I have nothing to say about him tbh. <<<
Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school?
I didn’t get into trouble.
Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras?
No.
Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets?
I don’t care.
Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother?
Yeah, I got all 4.
Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome?
No.
Jalapeños: yay or nay?
I loved jalapenos back when I could eat spicy food. Jalapeno poppers were bomb.
Did you ever play Minecraft?
No.
Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member?
Yeah.
Do you know anyone that seems to not have any common sense?
Ha, yeah.
What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you?
I’m the victim of gun violence that made me a paraplegic at just 7 months old.
What type of person angers you the most?
Abusive people and sick, perverted assholes.
If you could change your appearance, how would you alter it?
There’s a lot I’d like to change.
Describe your first relationship?
It wasn’t much of one but we had the title, ha. It also only lasted a few months.
Describe your last relationship?
He used and played me and then kicked me to the curb when he was done.
Can you honestly say that you always practice safe sex?
I’m a virgin, but I absolutely would practice safe sex. That’s very important.
Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?
You just really feel, connect, and relate to certain things, like the characters and/or plot line and it has some kind of effect on you.
What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?
Hopefully something good.
Do you feel protective over someone?
My loved ones.
What perfume/cologne do you wear?
I’ve been wearing this beachy scented body spray. I need to get a new one for fall.
Where did your vehicle come from?
I don’t have my own car, I don’t drive.
What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?
I’m totally blanking.
What is your favorite way to eat chicken?
Boneless chicken wings and chicken tenders.
It is your birthday. You hope the cake is:
White with buttercream frosting.
What do you wear to bed?
What I wear during the day, which is either lounge shorts or leggings and an oversized tee or t-shirt dress.
What were you doing at 8pm last night?
I was eating dinner and watching Gilmore Girls.
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folklore think piece
for a lower case album such as this, i will be writing a lowercase think piece on the subject. i will not explain why. you get it or you don’t.
the 1: i have never been in love or any type of romantic relationship that left me with lasting feelings of any kind. but, on my fourth listen through of this song today, what once was just a promising and fun intro to this peasant girl summer gut punch, brought me to actual tears as i sat on the toilet in my lime green childhood bathroom as if i were mourning the one that got away (another great song). however, i am an expert on being hung up on the past, the “what could have been”, and made up hypotheticals. this song also introduces the film motif seen a lot in this album. i think dating an actor has really gotten to her. anyway what a killer way to begin, top notch stuff. how can a song be so fun and so soul crushing at the same time?
cardigan: when did taylor wear black lipstick? this is important to me. an old cardigan is an inherently bisexual article of clothing. that is not an opinion. i read it somewhere today and i believe it. this is the tip of the queer-coding ice berg in folklore, never fear. another reference, “tried to change the ending / peter losing wendy”. this year i wrote a movie script where both peter and wendy were both gay. coincidence? probably. basically this one is classic taylor poetry on every level and it being one of a trio in a larger story makes it that much better. yet again, high school romance is not a universal experience (like for me for instance) but haunting my “what-ifs” is going to haunt me for a long time. and the thought of someone saying i was their favorite cardigan makes me want to scream into a pillow.
the last great american dynasty: my favorite ts songs have always been the ones with detailed characters and stories and this one introduces the trope of the “mad woman” who comes back later on as well a long with many fun character details. at first this song is just cheeky and cute, very visual, a fun world to jump into. but then this particular stretch of lines makes your heart drop into your chest and reminds you why taylor isn’t just always fun and always cute and always creative, she also holds the ability to nimbly sock you in the gut when you least expect: “fifty years is a long time / holiday house sat quietly on that beach / free of women with madness, their men and bad habits / and then it was bought by me.” my jaw is still on the floor. and i’ve never bought a house myself. but i’ve spent numerous christmases having a marvelous time ruining everything (so i’ve been told) so this song still applies to my life.
exile (ft. bon iver): i’m gonna be honest. for as long as i can remember i have strongly disliked bon iver and i never remembered why. it is a matter of principle at this point. i just don’t trust him. but then taylor announced she wrote a song with him which filled me with tremendous anxiety. but i can rest easy. much like “the last time” this song is a ts and male artist collaboration i can get behind. also the film motif again: the only time i’ve left a theatre when i didn’t like a movie was never because movie tickets are so expensive and if i’m shelling out 11 dollars to sit in a chair, i’m staying the whole time no matter how bad the ending. but i probably would have left my sister’s keeper if i had seen it before if i’m being honest. so i get it. thats why i read spoilers for everything i watch before watching it, because the anxiety of worrying about how it ends make me not enjoy it in the first place. the end of this song: the call and response felt… ethereal? i felt like i was watching a broadway musical from the splash zone seats, crying as i was spat on.
my tears ricochet: this song is what i picture stepping outside in the middle of the night when an inch or so of snow has just fallen and i can see the flakes fall in front of a street light sounds like. or the scorned secret ex lover throwing themselves onto the coffin demanding to know why they weren’t enough. which is to say it feels like a sign from some sort of god. yet again, haunting is brought up, an overt reference to the fact that this album will live in my brain rent free for eternity. for some reason this song reminds me of the relationship between hamilton and burr when burr kills hamilton. that could be because i just watched the disney+ recording last week. one lives, one dies, but neither survive, both pay for it. Which is a super romantic and understanding view on murder. both musical experiences equally chilling and moving. if i die under mysterious circumstances this will for sure be played at the funeral.
mirrorball: first off, this is my mom's favorite which is very important. also, it has skewered a very specific but also universal insecurity of mine; existing just to please others and yet miserably failing. it is comforting that ts is not a “natural’ and feels she must always “try try try” because i too lack natural ability, but also rarely “try” even just the one time. the best way i can describe listening to this song is walking through a silent disco where everyone else is listening to some classic lady gaga jam and you are listening to a calming lullaby sung very far away. but don’t let the soothing sounds fool you. it still will have you reflecting on what it means to look and be looked at. a dark rabbit whole, like falling through the looking glass. i’ve never actually read that book though so i could be wrong.
seven: i’m dumb and on my first listen of this song i thought she “hit her peak” at 7 clock as opposed to age seven. but i always saw taylor swift as someone with an early bedtime. also a fun discovery while writing this, “seven” is the 7th song on the track list. clever. although this song is young and innocent and so nostalgic for a time when screaming ferociously was a widely accepted form of expression, it also sounds like a very old secret someone is whispering to me. a love from long ago that lasts beyond the person being in your life, passed down to me and it all just sounds a little gay. not just because of the specific line to hiding in the closet. but that certainly doesn’t go unnoticed. when i was seven i was definitely in love with girls and assumed that was just what friendship was, playing pirates and making plans of running away together.
august: the eighth track for the eighth month. her mind. also my birth month so that’s special. controversial opinion: from what i’ve read most people seem to think illicit affair is the third song in the triage of teen love. i will strongly make the case that it's actually this one. first of all, the subject: a short lived summer fling, which is specifically mentioned later in “betty”. the central heartbreak of this song is liking someone who always belonged to someone else. yes, this song is a window into a different summer, far from pandemic central and the escapist imagery is delightful. but a whole song from the pov of the “other woman” to james and betty is just so much more fun. and there are two more specific lyrics that prove my point. “remember when i pulled up and said "get in the car”” you will see later comes back from the other person’s perspective. and most of all: the repeated line, “meet me behind the mall”? only teenagers make plans to meet up behind a mall. i rest my case. so now we have cardigan and august. two pieces of the puzzle.
this is me trying: i’m glad i now have a succinct message to send to anyone when they ask me what the hell i’m doing at any given moment. this song just sounds like regret and waste in the most self-assured and confident way. this is “back to december” with the training wheels off. i have no apologies for my efforts at wasting all my potential. but in this song, taylor has opened her arms to me in a warm embrace and has forgiven me for all i’ve done wrong and reminds me to not take for granted the “try”. okay mom. i’m crying again, but okay.
illicit affair: this is the kind of thing that makes you feel sixteen, living in a dull suburb, while secretly screwing your 38 year old married neighbor who’s rich but wants to be an artiste. aka like a character in euphoria or something. it’s sexy and dangerous until you think about it and then it's just dingy and creepy. but this song starts and stays beautiful. most importantly, this song is too sad and depressing frankly, to be a part of the trilogy. we could never forgive james for leaving such a mess and making her a fool. you don’t want to be this girl. you want to walk up to her and shake her and yell “you exist and will not be ruined by any dumb man”. and that’s feminism.
invisible string: is it reductive if i say this one’s about joe? all my non-stan friends have asked me which ones are about him. we forgive them and point them in this direction. because it is lovely and beautiful that we are all tied to our soulmate for our whole lives before we ever meet them (because that would in fact mean that there is someone out there for everyone which might be naive or dumb but i am both of those things and whats the point of living if you don’t believe in the power of love). this honestly gives me “begin again” vibes in the best way. it’s red-era level with the wisdom of lover-era tay. sublime.
mad woman: the second mention of the “mad woman” as both taylor herself and the character in the story. as usual, tay stays calling out double standards and the manipulation of women into “going crazy” for expressing reasonable anger. I, personally, wish i could say “fuck you forever” without someone saying i’m “overreacting”. this is my least favorite song on the album and i’d still listen to it three times in a row and need to resist the urge to set a man’s lawn on fire. just girly things.
epiphany: i know she said this one is about her grandfather’s experience in the military but all i imagine is a slow montage of harry style’s character in “dunkirk” on the beach. and it’s beautiful. and much like my sophomore in high school self reading “all quiet on the western front” it evokes a pain from deep inside me that engulfs a loss i could never describe and a sadness too awful to witness. you will listen to this song and feel absolutely powerless to the will of the universe and it’s cruelty. and the faint but steady heart monitor beep in the background… i’ve never seen “grey’s anatomy” but i can imagine why it has so many fans sobbing. and let me end on this: two soldiers in some old war (meaning both men based on dunkirk) watching each other like this and living and dying together…gay.
betty: the first verse was pulled directly out of my subconscious fantasy of being in love in high school and it being so wonderful and painful and dramatic. and taylor riding a skateboard… is a mood. the song has been out for less than a week and it’s already a cold take to talk about how this is her gayest song to date (close runner-ups being reputation’s “dress” and “cardigan”). but of course i will still talk about it. the lyrics embody such authentic awkward gay energy (see the lesbian in booksmart for reference) and having been a 17 year old only three years ago, i can say with reasonably good authority that no 17 year old straight boy could stand in front of a crowd of peers and beg forgiveness from a girl he hurt. it’s just not realistic. these are all awkward, over-dramatic, young girls stumbling through love. and it’s awesome. james is the speaker of this song, and the subject of “august”, the summer fling that was never truly there due to james’ love for betty, the titular role of this song. thus completing the love triangle. and there are so many obvious references in this song to both “august” and “cardigan”. rhyming cardigan with car again makes me want to light myself on fire in the best way. i love it. “i dreamt of you all summer long” is the final nail in the coffin for the girl in “august” who was clearly just a place-holder. totally separate from taylor swift, my favorite word is porch. so the amount of times it appears in her lyrics is wonderful. say it out loud. it just feels nice. anyway, this song makes me want to be young and dumb and in love. the second can really only be tolerated because of the first and third. i hope the story has a happy-ending. if james were a boy i’d wish him the plague.
peace: the coming-of-age movie starring james and betty (and inez) is over. we have come to “the age” i guess. there’s a thought that’s gonna fester. if this song was just the line, “would it be enough if i could never give you peace?” over and over for four minutes it would still smash me to pulp and fill my body with helium gas. i can and will cause a car wreck when this comes on the aux. if this song is what being grown up is like (bare in mind grown up to me is like, 30) then i’m ready to be done coming of age. because i already worry if i’ll be at all enough for anyone and way too much for someone at the same time. but like all good poetry, this song isn’t about what it “means”, but how it “feels”. and this is new york city, the summer, pouring rain, a long walk home, desperately fearing and hoping they are there waiting for you.
hoax: a one-sided conversation between me and my stubborn clinical depression. i too, constantly stand alone on the cliff demanding a reason. one has not yet been presented. it operates both within and and against me. i could be bigger and stronger than it. but instead i tend to it like a prickly plant. (“no other sadness in the world will do”). there is nothing both sadder and funnier then the scene in “avatar: the last airbender” when prince zuko stands alone on a cliff screaming at the sky for lightning to strike him. i don’t know why this song reminds me so much of that. what a way to end such an emotional rollercoaster. it is so emotionally draining that it simply forces me to start folklore again from the top and listen to it all over again. or take a long therapeutic nap.
there are no skips. and it will still surprise you on your 267th listen. proceed with caution.
i knew you, in a past life maybe. i have not met you yet, but folklore has made me believe you exist.
@taylorswift 10/10 good work
@taylornation this had to be shared and i don’t have a twitter so
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Sorry in advance bc I don't think I've subjected you to this before but Do The Prime Numbers
the only apology I need is for making me remember maths
2 (cause one doesn't count as a prime, right? I never got why though) "what's your favorite horror subgenre?"
I love found footage. I know it's cliched and dumb, all that jazz, but I love the whole cinema verite (to sound pretentious) vibes of the whole thing. I know it's fake, I know the undead didn't kill a whole town in southern texas, I know a monster didn't destroy new york, I know there's not an asylum in toronto haunted by the ghosts of patients subjected to satanic abuse (actually considering the history of asylums, you never know on that one) but it FEELS real, like I'm seeing something I'm not supposed to. The low budget only amplifies the joy for me.
3 "you're planning a horror movie marathon with your friends - which movies are you picking?"
Grave Encounters (love the genius locii/house of leaves stuff going on there), Halloween (classic), Southbound (great anthology horror, highly recommend), and capping it off with Evidence, so we can all go to bed going "what the FUCK did you just put in front of me"
4 "you can go back in time and watch a horror movie of your choice on its premiere - which movie are you going to see?"
Alien, the first one. I'd kill to be there for the chestburster scene for the FIRST TIME EVER, it's not even a question
5 "if you were a character in a horror movie, what kind of movie would it be? what kind of character would you be? what would be your fate?"
It's a found footage, and I'm the camera holder's best pal and genre savvy, funny sidekick. I make it through most of the movie, my jokes breaking the tension (even if I do get yelled at in an important character building scene for making light of the situation, where I break down and explain it's cause I'm frightened too). Late in the film it's just me, the camera holder, and their love interest, a chance to escape appears, but the threat is just behind us; someone is going to have to make a final stand to let the others go. The main character say's they'll do it, but I stop them and tell them I won't let them, they need to get out of here. My final lines are "You know me, this is always how I've wanted to go out, keeping my best friend safe and looking like a total badass"
As they flee the camera is turned back, showing flashes of light, banging, and me yelling cliches and one liners at the monsters I beat back, until a strangled cry, and then nothing.
7 "answer for real life vs if you were a slasher movie character: a murder has occurred. somebody you knew, though only in passing, got knifed by some psycho killer and the whole town is in shock. the school fool has taken it upon themselves to throw a party in the midst of all of this, "to celebrate life", as they say. - you get an invitation but are you going to the party?"
Fuuuuuuck no, and not just cause I'm not a party kind of gal in the first place (well, maybe a chill drinks and background music kinda shindig). I'm also encouraging people I know to not go, cause it's genuinely pretty disrespectful, might invite some friends so we can share any memories we have and share a quiet evening. In real life, that's about where it ends, probably. In a slasher, we probably get knifed BEFORE the big party, one of us makes it out, runs to the party covered in blood yelling about the killer, causing a panic that only makes things worse when the stabbing starts.
You just can't win when you got a Jason type bastard on the loose, can you?
11 "answer for real life vs if you were a slasher movie character: you escaped the killer but your friends are still stuck on their hunting ground, hiding and running for their lives. do you go back for them?"
Hell yeah I do! I'm running that cunt down with my car (which would probably be a prius everyone else made fun of earlier, making it more dramatically and comedically satisfying). IRL, the killer is now pavement jam. In a film, we might have a problem.
13 "you're offered the chance to privately talk to a horror villain of your choice, currently kept secure in a government facility. your safety during the encounter is guaranteed. do you take the offer? and if you do, who do you pick? why?"
No, I can't think of any that could tell me anything I'm, like, desperate to know. Anything worth that effort.
Maybe Pinhead, to ask about the cosmology of the world, but he'd probably say some shit that made me go mad and, like, die horribly. Also I don't think I'm smart enough to "get" it.
17 "would you rather have chucky try and transfer his soul into your body or have the sawyer family try and put you on their dinner table?"
Sawyers. You never win VS that bastard doll, but leatherface is still human. Barely, but still.
19 "the asker gets to make up a would-you-rather question of their own."
Apparently the question was "do you wanna see if you can remember the primes, or ignore it and not risk embarrassing yourself"
The answer is that I have very little pride or shame left, and I like answering questions too much to ignore it c:
23 "what are some things that give you the total creeps? places, items, even certain times that you try to avoid whenever possible?"
So, okay, it's well known that I'm a brainweird bitch (read: legitimately mentally ill, but trying to be cool about it), but also sometimes I just... See shit. I know logically it's probably visual hallucinations, or memory problems, pareidolia, or a sensible explanation for deja vu.
BUT
There is SOME shit I have seen that I can't ignore. Houses that don't make sense no matter how I look at them, the moonwatcher, catghosts, and that one thing I will not talk about because I just know in the back of my skull that it doesn't like being noticed.
A lot of these are benevolent, or just not paying attention (the catghosts in particular are very chill, if a little bothersome some days), but there are some I will go out of my way to avoid or ignore. Maybe I'm being silly, hell, almost definitely, but I don't care. I don't want to poke at things I don't understand, only to find out it was a sleeping bear.
29 "29. are you dressing up this halloween?"
Shit I don't know if I'll get the chance. If I do....
Oh! I got it! I'm gonna go as my own corpse, being wheeled around in my wheelchair by my pal dressed as an evil spooky nurse!
Grim, spooky, kinda funny when I stop playing dead and perk up to go "The punch is fantastic, by the way!", AND I get to have gruesome blood and injuries all over- it's perfect!
31 "make a list: halloween preparation shopping list."
Halloween ain't such a big thing down here in Aotearoa, sadly. I like to make a deal of it, but no one else does.
Still, candy for handing out, a mix of some cheap bulk mix kids can get a handful of, and some nicer mini candy bars I can hand out one at a time. Costume supplies, fake cobwebs, and some other lil decorations. I'd love to own a house and go all out for it one year, but for now I can be content with the lil paper skeleton I have hanging in my room.
37 "it's halloween! the clock strikes midnight and at the edge of town, a witch is trying to summon you. what items will she need for the spell to work?"
I mean it's halloween, and it's a witch, so she's already mostly done.
Aside from that... A plastic skull, A dvd copy of a crappy horror film, a 2 liter of sugar free coke, a crystal bell, and a chunk of rose quartz.
AND a smooch- no way am I passing up that chance!
Thank you for all these questions, I had an absolute blast answering these!
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black butterflies [colby brock]
fandom: sam and colby/traphouse
pairing: colby x self
word count: 1,864
part(s): one two
summary: after a prank gone wrong, colby and his friends meet another youtuber during her meet and greet in hopes it will cheer her up
A/N: this is a self-insert because it’s a fic that was started for my own personal pleasure. it was supposed to be shared last year on my fan account after a poll was done but never was bc i ended up not feeling ready to do so. i figured since i‘m ready to share it now, it would be best to do it here since it’s pretty detailed
TWO
She was going to be okay, right? She didn't need Casey to be there every step of the way. The redhead wasn't even needed for the business over in California. She always did perfectly fine without her longtime friend in all the solo videos. Casey was only there for a fraction of the recorded moments. Besides, the argument that night made it clear that she only ever pretended to enjoy the spooks that came with being a part of the channel. There was never any pure joy or thrill that usually came with experiencing such things with your friend. Yet those were half of the best memories Kirsy had with her since the beginning of the channel. They'd been best friends since eighth grade, and yet one prank likely destroyed a friendship of seven years. It was a sad fact that she had to suck up and admit so it wouldn't ruin the trip. So far the only bright side was that her best friend since her sophomore year of high school was going to be keeping her company.
“Please don't tell me you're sulking.” She blinked, realizing she was thoughtfully staring at the half packed suitcase on her bed. She turned her head to the doorway that had a twenty-four year old leaning against it.
Aiden met Kirsy during a school talent show that she was chosen to film. He was one of those viewers always looking for new people to subscribe to, and he found her page only weeks before the show when she had around 1,000 subscribers. He helped a lot with photos and editing, and was the only person who was a real friend for her out of the new ones she made after her channel became widely known. After Casey left, he stepped up as what he described as the 'better best friend’.
She sighed at the raised eyebrow adorning his face and sat on the bed, crossing her legs. “I have a right to sulk, jerkface.”
“Jerkface? You've had better insults than that.” He straightened his posture and walked over to the girl, sitting on the other side of the suitcase. “Was it fair to spring a horror movie on her less than a week after her return from vacation? No- no it was not. But she was in the wrong to just leave you like that. You apologized several times, and has she responded at all? No. And why?”
“I really don't want to have one of your sometimes vulgar speeches right now-”
“Why hasn't she replied?”
Kirsy sighed and hung her head back, letting silence sink in for a brief moment. “Because she’s a jealous supporting character who only stayed because I ended up making money from my videos?”
Aiden raised his eyebrows and leaned back against the mattress, “That wasn't a statement.”
“Well what is it that you want me to say?!” She lifted her arms in exasperation, throwing herself back only to realize that the half empty trunk was still there. She groaned, hiding her face in the side of the object as the young man beside her rolled his eyes.
Once he became familiar with the ginger himself, he was an eyewitness to all fights and disagreements between the pair, as well as the resolutions that came along with them. After the second or third time, he started to observe the way they interacted with one another. Kirsy used to have a tendency of going too far with what she said or did but stopped when she saw how it affected people, which is why this last prank really surprised him. On the other hand, Casey was someone who held grudges and would say the opposite of what she meant when she was upset by something. Her temper raised more than others he knew, and after such a long vacation from the type of content his friend makes, it probably pushed her off the edge. It wasn’t right to pull a stunt like that but it was less right to refuse to resolve issues or just be civil after the other party puts in so much effort to fix a wrong.
They may have become friends when he was a senior and they were sophomores, but he considered Kirsy his closest. She was the type to either not be fazed by other people or bottle things up if she was; there was never an in-between. He watched her bemused as she kept her face on the side of the suitcase, reaching for a pillow to throw on top of her head. “I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to stop being so depressing.”
“Depressed is my default.”
There was a beat of silence after her muffled reply, then laughter broke out in the empty room. She lifted her head from underneath the pillow to see Aiden trying to keep himself from laughing too hard. He didn’t know if it was because of how she sounded or because of the fact she said it so casually, but he couldn’t help himself. Seeing her friend enjoy himself over something she said did make her feel better. So - she threw the object back at him and sat up. He dialed it down immediately, chuckling when they made eye contact. “I’m sorry but while that wasn’t the thing I was looking for, it was something. And you need to realize that you can’t control what other people do and how they handle things. You can, however, control how you handle shit. Now I say you finish packing so we can get our asses to fucking California and you can show me off to all of your west coast kids.”
She stared at him for a short moment before pointing at him, “See? Vulgar speech.” He rolled his eyes and she grinned, hopping off her bed to go to her closet.
The young man followed suit, staring at the mostly black attire. “Alright- you better pick the cutest alternative clothes you have if we’re going to be meeting cute boys.”
Kirsy rolled her eyes immediately, not surprised at all with her friend’s judgement and eagerness for them to find boyfriends. Or even just someone for each of them only for the time they would be over there for the trip. “We’re going to Los Angeles, Aiden. Where is there going to be a cute guy who’s also not going to end up being a jerk?”
-
The former blonde eyed the boy going over how they could approach the vlogger when the time comes.
Colby didn’t want to come off cocky or dismissive by bringing up their channels. He also didn’t want to seem too eager since they all now watched her videos just as much as she did theirs. It felt like there was a lot riding on this. It was different than if they would run into each other at a convention somewhere, and he didn’t fully know why. At least, he would always tell himself he didn’t know. “Her meet up isn’t for another two days- why are you freaking out?”
He slumped over the counter, planting his head down into his folded arms. His roommates and closest friends all watched him with knowing looks as he tried several times to brush off the subject. He met each of their gazes, “I’m not freaking out. I just want her to meet some nice people.”
“Her fans are nice people.” Corey cut in, jumping up to sit on the counter across from the kitchen’s island.
The dark brunette only attempted the same trivial action, waving a hand to dismiss the sentence as if it wasn’t a fact. He knew how great a community the girl built up. She always talked about wanting to grow her own family and have that connection with so many people; not one based off of fandoms she was in but based on her own content and genuine following. He was one of those members, only he kept it more low-key than his friends in order to let her have that part of her dream. What Corey said rang, yet at the same time- “Ones she can talk to. I’m sure she would love to meet someone who understands.”
“And this has nothing to do with the fact that you like her.” Jake stated, raising an eyebrow at his friend, daring for him to deny it. It was something he was ready to do the moment the words left his roommate’s lips.
It just didn’t make sense to develop feelings of any kind for something you’d never met or even spoken to - did it? They were two YouTubers who started at different times, somehow never ran into one another at conventions, and she was a fan of his and his roommates long before she started launching her own career in this industry. He never followed the account she had that was mostly dedicated to him but he remembered liking countless posts and reading some of the captions directed at him that he never replied to.
He did notice how similar they were - sense of style, music taste, outlook on life and the many hair color changes - but it couldn’t have stirred anything up. Maybe he just knew that they would get along well if they met in real life versus just knowing that the other existed. There didn’t have to be a whole situation where he developed a crush on a girl who made a fan account for him and showed up in his mentions a lot. Someone who was a fan of him and his content for years before he even acknowledged her; and that was before she started her own channel and brand. At the same time though, before she stopped tagging him in edits and posts, every time she would respond to his posts and such were done without sounding like an actual fan. From the few times he would catch her comments, she made it seem as if they were friends. And her replies always matched his own feeling and hope of someone understanding what he would mean.
The self proclaimed ‘emo god’ of the group could only voice his denial before announcing his leave of the kitchen. After so long, his closest friends knew exactly how their comrade behaved when he was attracted to or was beginning to like someone. They knew he was going to be in denial for at least the two days leading up to all of them seeing the twenty-two year old off screen.
When Colby reached his bedroom, he threw himself on top of the large covers on his bed, placing his hands behind his head as he stared at the ceiling. The ding that indicated a Twitter notification sounded in the silence, and he fished his phone out of his pocket. He saw that he’d been tagged in another post and decided to check it out, expecting it to be art or some selfies for the trend his fans started. It was the latter, although it ended up being a tag from Kirsy’s account. He looked at the photos thoughtfully before pressing the heart on the screen.
Maybe there was another reason for going to her meet up.
#colby#colby and sam#colby brock#colbybrockimagines#corey scherer#jake webber#sam and colby#traphouse#youtuber#youtubers#cole robert brock#colby brock imagines#sam golbach imagines#jake webber imagines#corey scherer imagines#self insert#fandom#fanfic#fanfiction#youtube#Fam5#xplr#katrina stuart#tara yummy#devyn lundy#brennen taylor#brennen#mikes dead
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I think people in the internet take everything for granted nowadays. I mean, we see so much content of all types of media online nowadays that we don’t even stop to think what’s behind there, which means we don’t stop to appreciate the hard work that was put in everything. Still people feel the need to call out anyone who does anything too “lazily” or sloppily, but when a work is well done, hardly anyones feels the need to say anything aloud. Because that’s just how it’s in the internet nowadays, why should we appreciate and praise each other?
As a “content creator” of many mediums (mainly videos, visual arts and sometimes gifs), this is extrtemely frustrating. I don’t think people know how much time and effort and love people can put into their art, be it videos, drawings/paintings, gifs, music... almost everyone’s doing one or more of those things nowadays and there’s also lots of programs that basically do everything for you so you don’t need to do much than just come up with the idea. Youtube is full of videos and new ones are uploaded so many every day.
So it feels... well very much waste of time. When you use hours and days, sometimes weeks for something you create and then people don’t really even interact with it, at least don’t leave any feedback, because it’s just one creation among billions and billions of others in the internet.
I’m sure I probably would not understand this if I wasn’t creative myself. But for example when I make a video... I don’t know how all those youtubers can sometimes get three or more videos out in a WEEK when I can get 2 videos out maybe in a year - if I’m lucky. It’s mainly because editing just one 10-20min video takes weeks from me. Sure if I made it into a habit, it maybe would be much faster for me too but at the same time - I really enjoy doing very very detailed work and I enjoy every second I use for my videos, even if there’s not too many of them. So everytime I post a video somewhere, it just is such an anticlimax to then realize that everyone is probably comparing my videos to the billions of other videos they have seen. And I’m only comparing my videos to my earlier videos. They might not be as good as what others make, but I put so much effort in the details and it just feels so stupid when I feel that people take every detail for granted and don’t even notice them because they don’t know it was something I had never done before .
Nowadays I always look at everything from the point of view of the creator. I watch a video and I think the filming, the editing process... all that jazz. I watch a movie and I just keep thinking about everything that goes behind the scenes, from the idea to the special effects (which is why I value actual hand-made special effects over CGI and I love 80s movies for that). When I see paintings or drawings, I just think about how they maybe were done, how the person starts, how do they sketch, what they use to make the art piece into what it becomes. I find it extremely fascinating to think about creative stuff to deeper than what’s the surface. Lately I was so hyperfixated on art related youtube videos that it opened my eyes and now I see paintings in so different light compared to when I before didn’t care about paintings at all just because I myself never got along with painting. (And I had to do that A LOT as a kid because of school and art school hobby...)
Maybe it’s just me and my extremely curious nature and my need to know everything. My question to everything has always been HOW instead of WHAT. Even in horse groom school my teacher told me he won’t explain me something because it will go “too far” and more like veterinary kind of knowledge. But I wouldn’t have minded! I found that info fascinating (sadly he refused to explain anything of that to me) because I wanted to know HOW horses work, anatomically speaking. The reason I continued to horse training studies was because I know some people are perfectly happy when they are just told what to do and then they do that. I wanted to know more, I wanted to know why we do what we do (as horse grooms) and I wanted to know how does a trainer decide what we should do.
This got a bit long but it’s okay to reblog if you really feel like to.
#mcrmadness' random stuff#mcrmadness' deep thoughts#internet#creativity#like 1min video took me almost 2 hours to make#and I feel like I should make a video about how I make videos#because people probably assume you just do it like that#but now it's actually lots of careful planning and repeating and even every millisecond is important!!!#no it's actually...*
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Green-Light Yourself.
As Merawi Gerima’s debut feature Residue lands on Netflix, he tells Gemma Gracewood about being the son of indie film legends, duty of care as a director, and why Akira is his go-to comfort movie.
Sometimes it’s impossible to move forward with your art until you’ve taken a good look back. In Merawi Gerima’s impressionistic and hypnotic first feature, Residue, a young man, Jay, returns from college on the West Coast to find that his Washington, DC neighborhood has been hugely transformed within a few short years. A white neighbor barks at him to turn his car stereo down. Familiar faces have disappeared. The gentrification is debilitating, but Jay’s efforts to work out his disorientation and rage through art meets opposition with old friends.
Like his lead character, Gerima is both a DC native and a graduate of a West Coast college (USC’s School of Cinematic Arts), and was similarly confronted by change when he got home. Making Residue was “absolutely something that I had to do because that was the only positive direction to pour my energies into,” he says. “I think that there was a lot of destructive potential in my life at that point. The film really was the first moment when I started to feel that I perhaps was not powerless in this situation.”
Derron “Rizzo” Scott as Mike in ‘Residue’.
Gentrification as a form of structural racism has long impacted Black communities, and Gerima is not the first in his family to cover this ground. His parents are the LA Rebellion filmmakers Haile Gerima, whose work includes the Golden Bear-nominated 1983 slavery drama Sankofa, and Shirikiana Aina, who documented changes to their DC neighborhood in her 1982 non-fiction short Brick by Brick.
Residue was a family affair; the Gerima name is all through the credits. “My aunts were the chefs; my sister, she was, like, the head of the catering.” Although his legendary father managed to get off lightly with Costco runs, Gerima’s equally impressive mother ended up anchoring two of the film’s most affecting scenes, as Tonya, the Mom of Jay’s childhood friend, Mike (Derron “Rizzo” Scott).
“I had somebody else cast—she was a no-show. My mother was on set that day, just kind of helping feed people. I knew that she had what we needed, emotionally speaking. She was actually trying to drive away to go find the woman; I was like, ‘Nah, I need you right now’. She did it, but at a great cost.” The thing about filming in your own neighborhood, Gerima explains, where you’ve raised not only your own but also everyone else’s kids, with varying outcomes, is you end up bringing that lived experience to your scenes. “It’s very real for her. She’s not acting. I almost cried once we finished filming. Nobody spoke for a long time.”
The scene taught Gerima much about a director’s duty of care—particularly when he dared to ask his mother for a second take of a pivotal scene that takes place in a downpour. “In preparing to shoot in the rain we made a few mistakes, with the camera, the placement, there was miscommunication with me and the DP [Mark Jeevaratnam]. I, he, we both agreed that we needed another take. When I asked my mother for another take, she just looked at us like, it hurt, it was painful to ask. She did what she could, but you could tell that she didn’t have it in her.” As it turns out, the first take was the one. “I thought we ruined everything, but once I slowed down, I just saw what a miracle it was.”
It’s impossible to separate Residue from its limited budget and circumstances. Structurally rich and technically unusual, the film is a triumph of local knowledge, happy accidents, and “hood auditions”, where people were pulled straight off the street into the cast. It’s infused with an all-hands-on-deck spirit, constructed scene-by-scene during a home edit by Gerima himself.
“We shot the first draft of the script. You know what I mean? We didn’t have time to wait for a rewrite. We didn’t have time to wait for money. We didn’t have time to wait for anything. In many ways, it was the source of many of our problems, but it was also the source of a lot of our freedom, because we weren’t tied down by money. We weren’t tied down by a locked-in script.”
Mark Jeevaratnam, Merawi Gerima (with camera), and Obinna Nwachukwu on the set of ‘Residue’.
At Slamdance this past January, Residue won the audience award, and an acting prize for its star, Obinna Nwachukwu, whose story is a lesson for other aspiring actors. He was right for the role (“He fit the bill in terms of, he knows DC lingo, he knows the culture, he’s from the area, which was incredibly important”). More importantly, he was available. “The fact that we didn’t have resources, we needed somebody like him. He wants to act. He designs his life in his way where he was able to give us two weeks without knowing much about us. Once we got him, everything else became a lot easier.”
After Slamdance, of course, 2020 took a bit of a turn. Residue was shortlisted for Cannes, but that was cancelled and in May Gerima told his college paper: “I think that the festival prospects for the rest of this year are getting dimmer by the day.” When we speak, however, he is in Venice, where his debut feature has just screened in the independent Venice Days section of La Biennale di Venezia. It turns out that Cannes Directors’ Fortnight head Paolo Moretti had put in a word with Venice Days. As 2020 goes, this is as good as it gets for new filmmakers—and is a beautiful demonstration of how the global festival community has pulled together to make something good out of the mess we’re in.
Likewise, Gerima is grateful to Ava DuVernay’s ARRAY Releasing, who made the Netflix deal. He notes that a Black-led distribution company is a luxury his parents never knew. “I think if Ava did not exist, our film probably would not have distribution. The broad imagination necessary to see the commercial potential of Black films is still not there. I’m often sad thinking about the fact that my parents had no such opportunity.” Like a scene straight out of Dolemite is My Name, Gerima describes how his folks would book their own theaters across the US and use the African diaspora to help fill them, “proving the commercial nature of these films, in communities that hungered for real Black stories”.
Merawi Gerima directs Jacari Dye on the set of ‘Residue’.
Gerima’s film appetite is wide, and he’s often looked outside the US for inspiration. Some of the most crucial films in his development as a director have been the 1968 post-revolutionary Cuban films Lucia and Memories of Underdevelopment. He is also a fan of La Lengua de las Mariposas (‘Butterfly’, 1999, José Luis Cuerda), which has “one of my favorite endings in film, period”. Japanese influences include Akiro Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai (1954) and Kaneto Shindo’s The Naked Island (1960) and he also looks to Chilean legend Miguel Littin and Soviet directors Andrei Tarkovsky, Sergei Eisenstein and Nikita Mikhalkov. His go-to comfort film? “Akira. I don’t know if it’s comfort, but I watch it all the time! I just think it’s one of the best films ever made.”
On the home front, an “incredible, important” American film is Ivan Dixon’s 1973 action drama The Spook Who Sat by the Door, while the movies that “really put me onto talking to girls” are Gina Prince-Bythewood’s Love & Basketball and Rick Famuyiwa’s The Wood. “These are the types of films, circulating within the Black community [that] we memorize the lines to. That set the sexual compass of Black adolescents, you know what I mean?”
‘Sankofa’ (1993), written and directed by Haile Gerima.
His parents, however, remain Gerima’s greatest influence. “Sankofa was made without arbitration. Black stories that have no minders like that, nobody to answer to, often are far and away, the most honest types of Black storytelling that we see in film.” For other storytellers yet to take the first step, he offers this: “My best lesson from this film has been to always and at all times green-light my own self, my own actions, because that’s the only thing that I can control—and to not wait for conditions to be right or perfect.”
Acknowledging the privilege of being born into a filmmaking family, Gerima adds: “That may not apply to everybody. There are many, incredible things which prohibit action at times. But I think that there are many incredible conditions under which people can take action with the camera. I think that it’s really just a matter of how urgently that story burns within you. I can only say for myself, that’s the way the film got made. Without that, it would have been literally impossible.”
When asked who we should watch next, Gerima recommends 200 Meters, written and directed by Palestinian filmmaker Ameen Nayfeh. (“He’s an incredibly poised and principled filmmaker.”) The film won the audience award at Venice Days. He also recommends Really Love by Angel Kristi Williams, which won a SXSW Special Jury Recognition for acting, and will feature as a Special Presentation at AFI Fest next month.
‘Residue’ is in select US theaters and on Netflix now. Follow Gemma on Letterboxd.
#merawi gerima#haile gerima#la rebellion#residue#netflix#netflix film#array#array releasing#ava duvernay#washington dc#washington dc films#usc#usc cinema arts#letterboxd
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