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pumpkinsplots · 9 months

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Writeblr Intro

Hello, writeblr! I finally caved and got tumblr, mostly because I love rambling about my wips and hearing other people ramble about theirs and all of that lovely stuff, so this seemed like a great platform to do that. With that being said, I plan on posting about my wips and ocs, as well as art related to those things, so if that interests you at all, I’d love to see you stick around. Also feel free to call me either Pumpkin or Maria, it’s entirely up to you!

About my writing

I’ve found that I really enjoy writing in a variety of genres, so hopefully at least one of my wips will tickle your fancy. Though I’d say a common thing for me is that I really like to world build, so my wips tend to be sci-fi, fantasy, or magical realism of some variety. Anything where I can put my own spin on the setting is something I’m bound to enjoy writing about.

I write in third person, usually with multiple povs, and I really enjoy character driven stories.

I often like to have a wide variety of ages in the cast, and if I had to pick a favorite trope it would be found family, so that’s usually present to some degree in my stuff.

Tonally, I always include light-hearted moments here and there, even if the wip is very bleak. It provides some levity, and I think it makes the painful stuff hit a lot harder. This is probably partially why I put some thought into each character’s sense of humor.

Most of my wips are geared towards older teens and adults, but I’ll get more into content warnings when I talk about each individually, because it really varies.

I’m one of those writers that kills off a lot of characters, so this is your warning not to get attached /j

I’m demisexual, so at least one character being on the ace spectrum is like a requirement for me at this point.

I’m a plantser, and pretty bad at staying motivated to actually finish first drafts.

About my wips

Falling Up

Falling Up is a sci-if story set in the future where Earth is a utopia where inhabitants experience little to no hardships throughout their lives. The deceased are replaced with AI created to replicate them, and everything is automated to the point where people no longer need to work to make a living. This lack of struggle results in dull, perfect lives and skewed morals. The people crave entertainment, even if it means making others suffer for it. Quasdom, a miniature man made planet initially intended to be used to separate deviants from the rest of the perfect society, is used as a catalyst for entertainment. The people of Quasdom believe that those on Earth are superior to them, and that Earth is a place where any wish can come true. This leads to the tourney, a death game between groups of ten on Quasdom, being viewed similarly to winning the lottery. The winning team gets to go to Earth, after all. Being chosen for the tourney is the luckiest thing that can happen to you. There’s no hard feelings between participants, death is completely painless, and the afterlife will welcome any participants to a better life than they previously had. There’s nothing to fear, so smile and put on a show.

A large cast and lots of character deaths

An exploration of why we get so attached to fictional characters, and how fiction can have an impact on reality

Probably going to be a trilogy

Content warnings include language, some unsettling themes, depictions of mental health issues, and generally things that are more psychological. Despite it being a death game, there’s no gore, like at all. The people on Earth may be desensitized, but they aren’t accustomed to seeing blood, so the tourney is designed with that in mind

Facade

Facade is set in a world where the living world and the spirit world coexist. Due to some actions by the main antagonist, about 20 years prior to the current story, spirits started getting aggressive and sort of going haywire. They possess any person they can, turning the individual into an uncontrollable killing machine. The best defense to this was the invention of a certain kind of mask that prevents possession, and masks quickly became widespread. Since there’s no known way to reverse spiritual possession, the only solution is to kill those that are unfortunate enough to meet that fate. A group led by an anonymous vigilante known as K9 seek to find a way to reverse possession. Many enemies are made along the way, and there are countless obstacles to face.

Its setting is based on Singapore and set in the 90s, though there are many creative liberties taken

The wip is currently pretty no plot just vibes

Themes about individuality vs equality

Content warnings include language and some sexual content

Facade: After Dark

While Facade is currently no plot just vibes, developing the characters led to me thinking of the plot for a prequel. Is it a self-indulgent novella about two of the characters I love? Yes, absolutely. In summary, it’s a romance novella about the the relationship of Leijing and Iris, and their struggles in navigating the wild world of Facade. They have vastly different upbringings and experiences, but their differences bring them together in more ways than one.

I have so much backstory for this pre-established couple and I couldn’t think of a good way to incorporate it into the main story without cutting a bunch of it, so boom it’s a prequel now

I’ve found that working on a wip that’s more low stakes and simple is really fun—I tend to get stressed about my more ambitious plots, so this wip is a great change of pace

Leijing is demisexual with little interest in anything sex related and Iris is an omnisexual sex worker, and the story explores how a world obsessed with all things sex can effect both more sex-negative and sex-positive people

Content warnings include language, explicit sexual content, and potentially triggering subject matters. This is my only wip where it’s strictly 18+!

Lights Out

Sunlight is the essence of life. Without it, the world would wither away. However, a dangerous new life form of unknown origin festers in the light. With long, elegant glimmering limbs, high intelligence, picturesque precision, and a craving for flesh, these organisms pose a major threat to humanity. But for some odd reason, these creatures refuse to step into any area where the sun doesn’t touch. Much of humanity takes to the shadows, building elaborate underground tunnels for civilizations and doing what humans do best—using their resources and ingenuity to adapt.

Has two protagonists that butt heads but start to develop a father daughter dynamic. A young adult girl who’s from the underground and unknowingly part of a cult, and an older man with one leg who’s so stubborn he’d rather fight and die than flee to the darkness

Lots of creepy cult imagery and themes about religious trauma

So much banter of course

Content warnings include language, disturbing imagery, and gore

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading! Asks, comments, tag games, and messages are always appreciated, and I’d love to hear about your wips as well!

#writeblr #writeblr intro #writing #writeblr introduction #creative writing #writers of tumblr #new writeblr #writer #writeblr search #new to writeblr #writers on tumblr

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 5 months

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am i the asshole for leading a guy on an low-key manipulating his feelings? (🐺 so i can find it later)

trigger warnings for mental health issues, family death, and suicide mentions.

title is kiiinda dramatic, i know. and i should be clear that i know that what i did was definitely wrong to a degree, but idk how messed up it was.

for context: i (19 f) was freshly seventeen and had just returned to in person school for my senior year after doing my junior year online at home. the majority of my best and only friend had forgotten me almost entirely and abandoned me despite our texting throughout my online year. new social circles had formed in my absence and i had a very difficult time readjusting, especially because i had come out of isolation with worsened anxiety, depression, and lowkey suicidal idealization. to top it all off, my grandfather who i adored had just died. i was desperately lonely and at the lowest i had ever been mentally in my entire life. i say this all not to excuse my actions but to provide some context as to why i acted the way i did.

so i meet this guy (i think like 15-16?) who we'll call finn. finn is a year below me but we share an elective class. we were initially drawn to each other bc we were both the only alt/geeky kids in the room and hit it off really well. and at first things are going pretty good; we eat lunch together every day, share music, talk about our interests etc. normal friend stuff.

but here's the part where i'm probably ta: finn had told me earlier on that he's the type to catch feelings super easy, so i guess i should've expected it, but he tells me that he has a crush on me. not directly though--he starts talking about this girl that he has feelings for but doesn't have the courage to confess to. and the first time he brought it up i didn't realize it was me and ofc tried to hype him up so he could confess and all that. but by the second conversation we have about it, it dawns on me that he's definitely talking about me. and i'm like "ah fuck," because the last person i wanted it to be was me--i'm mostly into girls, and also saw finn as a little brother more than anything else. but i keep hyping him up anyways saying stuff like "oh c'mon the worst she can do is say no! and even then you can at least move on with closure!"

so he takes my advice and confesses to me over text. i turn him down as politely as i can. which is where this whole thing should've ended tbh. but it didn't. his confession (even though it was over text) really endeared me and made me feel appreciated and beautiful in a way i never had been before. i'm not conventionally attractive + a plus size girl, and had never had anyone confess to me before, let alone say something as sincere and sweet as finn did to me. i was always the girl guys dared each other to ask out as a joke, yknow? it felt nice to know that someone saw me as desirable. again, this doesn't excuse my actions or justify them. just context.

so i decide that even though i know i'm not going to pursue anything with finn, i don't want him to lose interest in me either. so i start acting like i might be into him. tell him certain outfits make him look cute, go on and on about how much i love his hair (he really did have nice hair tbh), lean in a little closer when we talked, and constantly reassure him that he'd get a gf soon because good-looking, sweet and funny guys like him don't stay single for long.

he definitely notices bc he (again over text) asks if it's ok to be more physical when we interact. like can he hold my hand if we walk down the hall or whatever. this is definitely where i should've stopped, but i didn't. i kept up the pseudo-flirting bullshit.

and then he confesses (you guessed it! over text) for a second time, insisting that he really thinks that i like him back now. i tell him i don't know what he's talking about but that i'm happy to keep being friends with him. again, i don't stop the flirting-that's-not-quite-flirting.

this continues all the way until the end of the year. he tells me before i graduate that he really cares for me and doesn't want to lose touch after i leave. i promise him we won't. at this point i'd realized the gravity of my actions and had come to regret the way i treated finn, and decided the best course of action was to let our friendship fizzle out after i graduate. so i stop responding as frequently to him, he eventually stops reaching out until finally we lost contact and i delete his number.

i know that what happened was kinda fucked up, but how bad of a fuck up was this tumblr?

(secondary question: is this something that would've had a lasting impact on him and his view of relationships? i hope it isn't. i hope he forgot about me quickly. i hope he's doing better and has found someone who actually likes him.)

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

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giac222 · 12 days

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Came across this YouTube video last night.. *long heavy sigh*

*cue Amy Winehouse voice* What kind of fuckery is this? 🎶. … lol

Of course I had to make a post about it lmao. Back on my bs, time for another long post. (Just a heads up). Sorry if I repeat some things that I’ve mentioned in previous posts already, I just feel like they make sense to bring up here.

I should have known from the thumbnail alone that this video would pmo 💀. I was going to attempt to watch it considering it’s only around 8 minutes, I didn’t make it very far though 😂… The creator said “This is where I present the tale of a young man with anti-social personality disorder who was transformed into a serial killer due to the parasitic influence his abuser had on him.” that line alone made me click off I’m not kidding.

“The Psychology Behind Andrew Graves” and it’s just loud and wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️. I’m majoring in psychology and am in the process of getting my bachelors degree, yet I still won’t diagnose either him or Ashley. I just don’t feel comfortable doing that. People are entitled to their opinions though. 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think some people look at mental health issues through a black and white lens. Mental health is complex, a person’s well-being is determined by more than one thing, it’s a combination of psychological, biological, and social factors.

So diagnosing Ashley or Andrew isn’t what I’m getting into here. More so the comment about Andrew being turned into a serial killer due to the “parasitic influence his abuser had on him”. Of course I’ll be talking about some other things too.

First of all, Andrew isn’t a damn serial killer. I guess you could maybe consider him one under the guise of “he committed 3 killings”, but that doesn’t hold much weight to me in this instance. When he “killed” the cultist before eating him with Ashley, Andrew had no idea he was still alive. The demon basically killed him already, the guy was brain dead. (So tbh, I don’t really consider that a murder). In episode two where they sacrifice their parents to the demon, after finding out that their parents were technically still alive and coming to the realization that the cultist was too, he wasn’t too thrilled.

Next, Andrew killed the warden because he was going to hurt Ashley, he did it to protect her. The lady in 302 was wronged, I don’t think anyone is denying that. In his dream it’s justified though, he says Ashley would have wanted to kill her anyway and because of “no witnesses”. I’ve said before that he killed her for Ashley more than anything, he did it to make her happy. That’s why he got so pissed off when she started accusing him of attempting to sleep with her, which led things to escalate because Ashley kept going. Her dying did make Ashley happy though 🤷🏻‍♀️. The only reason Ashley wanted to shoot that lady was because Andrew called her pretty, that’s it. With no witnesses, even though it’s wrong, it makes sense in their situation. Lastly we have the hitman, obviously they had to intervene because the hitman was hired to kill them first. What do you think would have happened to them if Andrew didn’t take out the warden or the hitman? There isn’t an excuse for the murder of the lady in 302, but had she stayed alive, she probably would have snitched on them 😬.

Andrew’s morals are skewed, he doesn’t really give a shit, he cares more about what would happen if they got caught. Still, it’s not like he goes out of his way to kill people or necessarily wants to. Serial killers get off on the power and control it gives them, they get psychological satisfaction from it. I can’t say that’s the case with Andrew. With the warden he said he had no regrets, but that’s because he used to leer at Ashley and would have harmed her if he didn’t step in. The only regret he had was not killing him slower, the reason? Because the warden fucked with his Ashley 🤭. He doesn’t play around when it comes to her. I just know that when the warden would leer at Ashley, Andrew’s jealous streak kicked in QUICK. Probably gave him the most intense death stare ever.

Again, based on the thumbnail and what I mentioned hearing before clicking off of the video, I can only assume most of the video is about how Ashley is the big bad manipulative villain that ruined Andrew’s life, and that every excuse under the sun is dropped for Andrew’s actions and behavior. It’s always the woman’s fault guys, haven’t you heard??…. 🙄🙄.

Honestly, whenever Andrew tells Ashley something like “get your head checked”, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you.” or “get help”. It’s literally just him projecting. I’ve never seen someone in denial so bad 😂. His repression is crazy.

There was a really good comment left under the video which I will include:

Exactly 💯👏🏻

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Ashley manipulates, or at least attempts to, but she isn’t good at it. During her and Andrew’s explosive fight in apartment 302, when he’s threatening to kill her, she brings up how she’s the only person who can make his nightmares go away, Andrew responds with “there’s sleeping pills for that”. Then she goes “yeah okay I got nothing”… 😭. Girl didn’t even try lmao. But she says she wants to leave with him, because duh? She loves him and wants to stick beside him. Not to mention that in episode two we find out that he doesn’t actually have that many nightmares, he uses it as an excuse to sleep next to Ashley and be close to her.

The game shows us that Andrew’s far more violent than Ashley is. Ashley got physical first in apartment 302, which of course she shouldn’t have done that, but Andrew almost killed her by choking her, and when he finally let go, we see that she literally had a bruise on her neck because of how hard he did it. I can’t see her ever doing something like that to him. Andrew will just casually threaten violence too, even if it’s just a a joke. What’s wild is the story about the lady attacking him with the nail gun. He said nothing in his dream about self defense. The nail gun was literally in the same spot as before when Ashley left, and the lady was deceased on her bed, she didn’t move an inch. Andrew most likely killed her right after Ashley left. (RIP 302 lady, she was in the wrong place at the wrong time 😩). Of course they over look that though 🤦🏻‍♀️, and the fact that Andrew is a very good liar.

When they were children, before their blood oath Andrew literally contemplates if killing Ashley would be worth it. Even after they found out that Nina died, he didn’t really seem to care, he was just worried about what would happen if people found out they killed her (on accident, they shouldn’t have locked her in there period, but kids don’t think of that stuff. They genuinely weren’t trying to kill her, they talked about letting her out in the Morning). Also, him grabbing Ashley and yelling about how guys and girls don’t go to the same prison. He said “They’re going to take YOU away from ME.”… So yeah, Andrew has always been the way he is, he just knows how to mask it. Ashley did not make him that way.

When Andrew’s mask starts to slip off, even Ashley is a little scared because she’s not used to seeing him that way, she thinks he’s changing, but really his true colors are just now coming out. That’s why the decay route is so sinister, it’s like Andrew becomes one with the mask. You could say his mask is still slipping, just in the worst way possible. I plan on making a post dedicated to the decay route sometime soon, there’s a lot to discuss there.

I made a post dedicated to Ashley and what she’s gone through not too long ago, so I’m going to try my best not to sound like a broken record here. However, it ties into this post so I’ll talk about it a little bit. Ashley is one of the most misunderstood characters I’ve ever seen, I’m so serious. I can’t help but get frustrated when people attempt to paint her as this evil bitch who was born that way, they completely ignore everything she has gone through and what she struggles with. Mind you, the game literally puts it right in front of your face, so idk how people miss the point 🤦🏻‍♀️. I think they just see what they want to see. Ashley literally hates herself and has had low self esteem since she was a little girl. She genuinely believes that she’s evil and that no one could ever truly love her. She’s 20 when the game currently takes place, do you know how debilitating it must be to deal with something like that for years?? From childhood all the way up into adulthood, that’s so heartbreaking. It’s basically embedded in her at this point 🥲. So yes, it makes me mad when people overlook that despite the game showing you how hard it is for her.

They act like she treats people as disposable just because, it’s like no, actually she’s able to do that because that’s how everyone except for Andrew always treated her. That’s literally why she clings to Andrew the way she does and goes to extreme measures to make him stay (even though she doesn’t need to, but she doesn’t know that) because he’s the only person who has shown her love/she could depend on. So yeah, no shit she’s scared of him leaving. People saying that Andrew needs to kill her so he can live his life do not seem to understand the fact that Andrew actually likes Ashley being dependent on him, he doesn’t want her to become independent. Let’s not forget that when Andrew went to snoop on the cultist, despite being away from Ashley for like 20-30 minutes at most? We see a text box that says “Now that you’ve got your answers, you miss Ashley.” Do y’all really think he’d want to live without her? Please be serious 🤭.

How people don’t get this yet I have no idea, but one can’t live without the other, period. Nor would they want to. They’re the love of each others lives 🩷💚. They only have each other. Why do you think they look the happiest in episode 2 at the end of the questionable burial route?? Ashley trusted him, and Andrew said no to the bs olive branch their mother attempted to use. People who say that questionable burial is the bad ending are in denial so bad.

Please, the flowers around his head in the first pic, he was so happy 😭. The way he’s holding her head in the 2nd pic is so sweet 🥺. He loves her so much, those people can stay in denial though lmao. The new and improved Mr. and Mrs.Graves incoming 😉.

To sum it up, It’s exhausting seeing so many people completely miss the mark on everything about TCOAAL, especially when it comes to Ashley. They have 0 empathy for her despite everything going wrong in her life since she was little, but overlook all the suspicious things about Andrew.

When episode 3 comes out and Andrew’s mask fully comes off. those fans are going to be like “WHatTttTt???? How could this be?”… like the signs were always there actually, you just had to pay attention. If people still think Andrew should be with Julia after the episode 3 preview video… then idk what to tell them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I just feel like TCOAAL has been so misconstrued that I don’t even know where to begin, from the characters to what the game is actually about. I mean we got people watering it down to an incest fetish porn game (both haters and certain “fans” do this btw) - (no shade to the porn games out there lmao), but it just isn’t, like at all?? I never understood that because there is nothing overly sexual or explicit in the game. Yes, there’s the questionable vision, but we don’t see anything? We just know they slept together. I think some of these people are expecting a long explicit sex scene in episode 3, I don’t see that happening though, and tbh why would we? That isn’t what the game is about 💀.

I was on the TCOAAL Steam Community page a few days ago, and I saw this YouTube video someone posted on there. I think the video was titled “TCOAAL made me wish I had a sister”, and the thumbnail was a collage of like r34 pictures of Ashley, so basically none of her in the actual game. Fanon Ashley is like a completely different entity at this point lmao. Sorry, but I died of cringe. I’m like this is exactly why people side eye the fanbase 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I’ll never forget this one video an Ashley “fan” made, it was so bad y’all I’m surprised I still had braincells afterwards, if I could go back in time and tell myself not to watch it I would lmfao. There was a point where he flipped off the camera and said “fuck you Nemlei”, literally what an immature asshole 🙄. He did that because she made a piece of bonus artwork of Ashley lighting Andrew’s cigarette for him. I’m sure you guys will know which image I mean. I’m like well, if it weren’t for Nemlei you wouldn’t have this character that you’re so obsessed with, so now what? 😂. If you’re genuinely angry that the creator made bonus art of Ashley and her CANON love interest because you have a crush on her, I suggest going outside and touching grass. Praying that video was satire 🤦🏻‍♀️. Soooo embarrassing though, satire or not. Actually, I included a comment from under that video in my Ashley Graves defense post (linked above) and dissected it because of how incredibly stupid it was.

Mind you, the creator of that video at one point said “I’d do things to Ashley that would make feminists cry!” 🤪🤪. Whatever that stupid ass statement means. So let me guess? (trigger warning just to be safe ⚠️) you’re basically referring to rape? Color me shocked 😑. Keep this idiot away from girls in real life please because yikes 😬. He said that, yet in the comment section he said the incest in the game made him uncomfortable, like be so fr…. dumb ass 🙄.. LOL.

Look, I try to be civil, but these people make it hard sometimes lmao. I can’t stand wannabe edge lords, they’re some of the most annoying people on the planet. They need their own separate internet tbh.

Anywayyy, to wrap this post up because it’s long af. Ashley and Andrew are both flawed individuals, and they both have unchecked mental health issues, which isn’t even their fault btw. Sorry, but you can’t tell me those two are the biggest villains in the story considering the society they live in is totally dystopian + they were left to starve and die in their apartment because of their own parents selling them to organ harvesters. They quite literally would have died if they didn’t do what they did to escape.

Their parents failed them both, and the fact that they formed a codependent relationship as children isn’t their fault either. It’s honestly incredibly sad more than anything. I’d say that’s why I have empathy for them both as characters, they were both dealt a bad hand in life, and I don’t think either of them have been genuinely happy before really. They’re the happiest when they’re together, and as we’ve seen from the burial route, their relationship absolutely can improve. So yes, I want them to have their happy ending so bad 🥲. Especially Ashley, considering she’s got it the worst out of the two. People try to paint Ashley and Andrew + their situation as black and white, but it just doesn’t work. If you’re taking characters in a psychological horror game at face value then you’re just missing the point.

I feel like I need to hop on YouTube and create a video about TCOAAL to rebuttal all the messy takes about it on that platform 😫.

As usual, thank you for reading 😘. It makes me happy to know others enjoy what I post ❤️. Thank you for loving the game and these characters as much as I do. :’)

#here we go again lol #tcoaal #the coffin of andy and leyley #andrew graves #andy graves #ashley graves #leyley graves #nemlei #gravecest #coffincest #ashley graves’s defense attorney #longer post #long post

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aritany · 3 months

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what's the origin story for dgdss? if you don't mind 🥺

oho! well. as it happens, i love telling this story.

if you want to know how my childhood best friend writing a short story about me ended up leading to me getting a big 5 book deal, read on.

tw for reference to self harm and some...... unpleasant commentary (not mine) about it later on, folks.

so.

i was homeschooled until my very last year of high school (yes, like mean girls, except my mean girl dominated the first 15 years of my life and that last year was just blissfully chill) and like many homeschooled children, i was a part of a co-op.

cool, right? it's like School Lite™ where you put a group of feral children in a classroom, except you're all varying ages and grade levels, and also, nobody in the room is an accredited teacher, and nobody seems to have an issue with this.

my mom and her mom were best friends, and we were born around the same time, so naturally, we were best friends too from birth, and we were part of the same co-op all through my elementary and junior high school years.

anyway. i won't air all of the dirty laundry regarding our early friendship, because the whole book deal thing doesn't touch it, and i also think there's no need to be pointing out the behaviour of an Actual Child in retrospect. all you need to know is that we were best friends, our relationship was fraught, and by the time we hit 12-13 it was to the degree that people started telling me, hey man, this is Very Strange Behaviour and You Might Be A Victim, and i had to go do some introspection.

the introspection led to the general conclusion oh shit, but we stayed friends, because obviously. when you're 13, breaking up with a best friend is literally The End of the world, and anyway, there was a lot of good in there too, right?

right?

anyway, things took a turn when we were about 14. i struggled heavily with mental illness and self harm as a closeted religious teenager (who'da thunk?) and i confided in her about a small fraction of what was going on, because she was my best friend. i didn't tell her details, because even then i knew what i was experiencing was heavier than was probably appropriate to burden another kid with (and i stand by it!), but she knew the gist.

several Tense moments resulted, one of which was the day she pointed out self harm scarring in front of other people and asked me what happened, ran away, and refused to talk further about it, so i had to talk to her mom, who told me i should apologize to her, considering my mental health struggle had been so difficult... for her.

yeah, you know the type of people we're dealing with, here.

she was determined to undermine me in front of our mutual friends. anything to make me look worse, in one way or another. anything to step just a little higher. if i was interested in something, here's a public dissertation on why it's a dumb thing to be interested in. if i had a crush, forget keeping it a secret, and forget the notion that it's normal, because it's not, it's stupid, and shallow to have a crush in the first place. if we had a similar interest, here's a dressing down about how all i ever do is steal the things she likes (even if i liked them first).

needless to say, by the time the whole deal with the short story is going down a few short years later, we're on the rocks.

let me set the scene. we hadn't seen each other in several months, due to the On The Rocks of it all, and were meeting up for coffee while our moms were also getting coffee. hashtag classic homeschooled behavior, etc.

we're catching up, and she tells me she needs to apologize for something. i am, as you might imagine, agog, considering the rarity of apologies from this girl. she tells me she wrote a short story and submitted it to her university journal to be published, and that in hindsight she thinks she should have asked for my permission first.

i am, obviously, suspicious. to her credit, she gives it to me to read through and then leaves to go do christmas shopping. it's a muddy-ish faux-deep piece about a narrator who has a best friend struggling with mental illness and self harm.

(oh, you might say. to which i say, yeeeeah.)

in the story, the narrator depicts the struggle of trying to care about somebody who is in pain, referring to the best friend as 'cariad' the whole way through, which is just so weird i'm not even going to touch on it. google it if you'd like. the line that i still remember (and will probably remember until the day i die) is the one where she describes her cariad as feeling the need to use a razor as a microphone.

i honestly don't recall what i said when she eventually came back, but i contained all of the aggression of a piece of pocket lint at the time, so i imagine it was along the lines of oh. yeah, okay. [insert image of the saddest wettest cat you've ever seen]

i never saw her again. we went our separate ways, and that was that. we never talked about it.

(the one upside of it was that my mom, with whom i have a Notoriously Contentious relationship, was outraged on my behalf. that was the first (in many years) and last (ever) time we were on the same side of a battle, so, you know. silver linings.)

but the real indignity of it to me was that my friend never really knew. i never really told her about what was happening in my head. she never knew why i was hurting myself, or how bad it got, because i did everything i could to keep that to myself, and at the end of the day, she thought it was all for attention to the degree she wrote a transparently biographical account of it and chose razor as a microphone as a phrase on purpose.

dead girls started as a way to process the complicated feelings i had about that friendship and then obviously ultimately became a whole different creature in the process. i wanted to write about how it felt to go through that never having had another close friendship to compare it to, and how confusing and nauseating it was to have other people point out shitty behaviour.

it became about healing when you can't get closure. how do you move on when you'll never know why somebody hurt you?

nothing that happens in the book is based on real life events between us, partly because i'm not a hypocrite, and partly because if your work can be traced back to your personal experiences, perhaps you should do what you can to be kind.

'my julia,' as i like to call her (she is not named julia, because, oh my god) is nothing like julia hoskins in appearance or general personality. but the way she made me feel? oh, that's all there. nora feels it the way i felt it.

i wrote dead girls back in 2020, and got agented with it in 3 weeks of sending my first query. we got a book deal for it with a penguin random house imprint 1 year later to the day, and next week it's going to be out in the world, and i'm not going to lie, it feels really damn good.

also, her short story got rejected by her university, because it was bad. so you might lose some, but you win some, too.

#alex talks #storytime with alex #dead girls don't say sorry #dgdss #toxic friendships amiright

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danielfuckingricciardo · 10 months

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16 + Charles and 26 + Pierre please ❤️

Hi!

Sorry this took so long, I’ve been in such a writing slump lately and this has sat unfinished in my drafts for weeks! But I finally did it and I hope you like it!

The Charles one is also in progress, I’ll make sure to tag you in that one when I post it :)

Song 26 - Creep//Radiohead

Pairing - Pierre Gasly x Reader

Word Count - 3.8k

Content Warnings - swearing, discussion of mental health issues

When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so fuckin' special

Your therapist called it impostor syndrome. She mentioned it a lot during your weekly online meetings, and you usually laughed it off with some cringy internet joke about being ‘sus’ and tried to change the subject as quickly as possible. You’d receive a concerned glance, as you always did when you apparently ‘used humour as a coping mechanism’, but she would eventually move on to another topic, usually something about taking care of yourself physically as well as mentally.

Taking care of yourself physically was never a problem. You had nutritionists and personal trainers, physiotherapists and masseuses available whenever and wherever. The team made sure of that. To Alpha Tauri F1 team, your physical health was their top priority. Your mental health? Not so much. It was easy to lie to them and say that everything was fine, so that’s exactly what you did. You didn’t want to risk losing your seat because you told the truth about how you actually felt inside, so instead you saved that for the therapist you hired for yourself, and every Wednesday at 2pm you unloaded a week’s worth of thoughts and feelings you couldn’t share with anyone else.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, (y/n), we all feel like we don’t belong to some degree. And the bigger you make it in this world, the stronger those feelings will be.” She says, and you scoff.

“I’m not sure about that. The rest of the guys on the grid all seem so confident in themselves, and it’s definitely not a facade. They believe that they are the best of the best. I wish I could feel the same.” You say, and your therapist gives you a small smile before scribbling something in her notepad.

“You can’t know that for sure. Everyone experiences self doubt at some point in their lives, but they beat it, they get through it. Look at you, (y/n), against all odds you made it to where you are now, and you can’t tell me that the powers that be would have you there if they didn’t believe in you. You just need to learn how to believe in yourself as much as they do, and as much as your fans do.” She says, and you nod.

You know she’s right, but you wish that she wasn’t. You wish that your feelings would be vindicated so that you didn’t feel like such much of an idiot for having them.

“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about today?” She asks, and you open your mouth to ask a question, but are immediately interrupted as your phone begins to ring.

You look over at the screen and check the name - Pierre. What the fuck does he want? He never calls you, hell, he hardly ever talks to you unless he’s obligated to. This was definitely weird, something was definitely wrong.

“Sorry, I’ve gotta take this. Work stuff.” You say, and your therapist nods.

“Okay, let’s end the session early this week. Please do text me if you have any concerns you’d like to discuss.” She says, before ending the call and sending your computer screen back to her website.

You take a deep breath in and out before pressing the green icon on your phone screen.

“Hi?” You say, to no reply.

“Hello?” You repeat, and you receive no reply once again.

After a few moments of nothing but shuffling and breathing on the end of the line, you hear a quiet voice in the distance and strain your ears to hear. It’s clear Pierre didn’t mean to call you, it was probably a butt dial or some other similar fuck up, but you couldn’t help but want to listen in to whatever conversation he was having.

It was probably wrong, a total invasion of privacy, but your curiosity got the better of you, and you turn your phone’s volume to maximum.

“The fact of the matter is that Pierre feels as though he isn’t getting anywhere with Alpha Tauri, and therefore, as a team, we have made the decision to make the move to Alpine for the 2023 season.” You hear a familiar voice you cannot place say on the other end of the phone.

You let out a gasp and immediately clap your hand over your mouth, hoping that your shock had not be heard in the silence that had descended across the room.

Pierre was… leaving? After all this time? It was no secret that the two of you had never really bonded following your ascension to Alpha Tauri’s second seat, but you depended on him a great deal. He was great with the media, the fans, and the other drivers, and you felt comfortable following him around the paddock like a lost puppy, laughing and smiling along with everything he said and did.

You probably annoyed the hell out of him, and that was probably part of the reason he was eager to get away, to find a team mate he could actually have some meaningful banter with. Sure, you knew that he hadn’t always seen eye-to-eye with Esteban, but they had grown up together, and had an awful lot in common with one another. It seemed like a solid ground for a relationship, one that would definitely be more popular with the fans than your own.

You hear shuffling through the phone handset, and a whispered ‘fuck’ before the call is ended and the line goes dead.

“Fuck.” You echo, and you throw your phone down on your couch and pull your legs up to your chest, burying your head in your knees as you let out a single tear.

You didn’t think that you were crying for the loss of Pierre, that didn’t make sense, after all, the two of you hardly spoke outside of work. But at the same time, you couldn’t imagine being without him? You hadn’t realised until now just how much you had relied on him, and how much he had helped you over the years. He was the only friend you really had, though he probably regarded you as an acquaintance at best. All of your other friends had been left behind the day you moved your life to Faenza to be closer to the team, and you spent so much time travelling here, there and everywhere, that you hadn’t really had the chance to make any closer to your new home.

You hated to say it, but Pierre was your rock, and you had grown to care for him deeply, and now, losing him, what would it mean? You hoped they would call up some other, more experienced driver, like Daniel perhaps, to take the first seat. He could more than make up for your lack of confidence with his outgoing, loveable persona. But the alternative? The alternative scared you. If they were to call on some rookie to take his place, suddenly you would be the experienced one, the one to teach the newbie what to do and what to say. You barely knew yourself just how to play the game, you wouldn’t exactly make the best mentor.

You suddenly become aware of your breathing becoming faster, and more erratic, as your mind races, and employ one of the techniques your therapist had taught you to slowly regulate and steady yourself. God you regretted ending your session early, you could really do with someone to talk to right now.

Shakily, you reach for your phone and begin to draft out a text to your therapist. She had said to text if you had any concerns, and this was a real fucking big one.

Your phone begins to vibrate in your hands, and it almost slips out of your unsteady grasp as you read the contact name at the top of the screen - Pierre.

Fuck.

You take a shaky deep breath in and count in your mind, 1,2,3,4. You squeeze your eyes shut and squeeze your lips together tightly, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. Finally, you exhale, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, and you accept the call.

“Hey! Did I call you just now?” Pierre asks, and you hesitate.

“Umm…” You say, unsure whether to lie, or to tell the truth.

“How much did you hear?” He asks, and you chuckle awkwardly.

“You still live at the same place? I’m coming over, I think we need to talk, yeah?” He says.

“Yeah, same place.” You say, and he hangs up.

You stare at your phone for a moment, your mind racing as you wonder exactly what Pierre wants to say to you. Was he angry at you for eavesdropping? You knew you should have hung up, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You were always taught that knowledge is power, and you just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to discover something new, even if it came from a blatant disregard for your team mate’s privacy. Hell, you’d be angry too if someone eavesdropped on a private conversation of yours, it’s only natural, so you wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to come over to yell at you.

Why else would he be coming to visit? It’s not like he owes you an explanation, or an apology. You meant nothing to him, you were just some overgrown rookie hanging off of his coat-tails, nothing but a burden.

Lucky for you, you weren’t left waiting long, as your apartment was only a few blocks away from Alpha Tauri’s headquarters, and you soon heard a rhythmic knock on your front door.

You take a second to breathe once again; in for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, out for eight seconds, before getting up to answer the door.

“Hi.” You say quietly, opening the door for Pierre to enter, your eyes not leaving the ground for a second.

Pierre follows you inside and takes a seat on the chair opposite the sofa where your things were spread out; a blanket, your phone, your laptop, a hoodie, and your favourite stuffed animal.

“Before you yell at me, let me bring my tissues. I always cry when I get yelled at, it’s not a guilt trip thing, so don’t feel bad, it’s just this thing I do, I can’t control it, I…” You say, walking over to your side table where you kept your tissues ready for a particularly sad movie or dog video.

“Who says I’m going to yell at you?” Pierre interrupts, and you turn to look him in the eyes for the first time.

“You’re not?” You ask, blinking away the tears that already threatened to breach your waterlines.

“No, why would I… That’s not why I’m here, I just wanted to make sure you were okay after hearing all of that.” He says, and you let out a shaky breath of relief.

“Me? Okay? You don’t have to worry about me, I’m fine.” You say, throwing yourself down on the sofa and closing your laptop, which still happened to be open on your therapist’s website, which Pierre had, no doubt, already seen.

“Oh, thank you! I expected a little more from my long time team mate after finding out I was leaving! Maybe not tears, but, something?” Pierre says with a chuckle, and you shake your head.

“No, no, don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely devastated that you’re leaving, and I’m going to be completely tragic and sad next year without you because I’m a total loser with no fans, but I’m happy for you, really.” You say, and Pierre gives you a warm smile.

“You’re not a total loser, (y/n).” Pierre says, and you give him a small smile.

“But you do think I have no fans?” You chuckle, letting out a small sniffle.

“You know I don’t think that. I’ve seen it myself, how many fans you have out there.” Pierre says, and you scoff.

“They’re all your fans, Pierre, and they’ll be leaving with you. We all know they only tolerate me because of you.” You say, and Pierre shakes his head.

“Bullshit.”

“It’s true! I mean, I have practically no personality when it comes to media stuff, I freeze at the slightest interaction with the media, I post like twice a month on Instagram because my life is just that boring, and, not to mention, I spend my free time talking to my therapist in the company of my fucking stuffed animals.” You rant, and you feel tears running down your cheeks as you speak.

“You really don’t see it, do you? How much they like you because of those things. You’re relatable, (y/n), you’re normal. You’re here to race, not to be a celebrity. You’re not an attention whore posting shirtless selfies for likes and saying stupid shit to keep your name in people’s mouths. And people like that.” Pierre says, and you scoff.

“Yeah, as if.” You sniff.

“If you don’t believe me, then just look online.”

“My therapist said googling myself was a bad idea. Besides, I don’t just wanna be normal and boring. I want people to know me, but I just get so… scared, I guess? Scared they won’t actually like me the way they like you.”

“Well, the little of you that I know, I like.” He says with a smile, and you feel your cheeks heat up. This was the first time you’d heard Pierre compliment you before, and you couldn’t deny the fuzzy feeling it gave you.

“I just wish I was more like you. You’re so popular, with the fans, the media, the other drivers. I see how everyone crowds around you, you were made to be the centre of attention and you’re so fucking good at being in the middle of everything. You have this winning personality, everyone wants to either be you, or fuck you. Or both. If I could just have one tenth of that charisma, that personality, that vibe, then maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to do this thing properly. But I don’t. I’m just (y/n). A loser.” You say, and Pierre shakes his head again.

“But you don’t need to be me, (y/n). You don’t need to pretend to be something you’re not for people to like you. The other guys like you just fine, they just wish you would talk to them more so that they can get to know you. Fuck, (y/n), I don’t think I even know you properly yet. I’d like to, and so would Charles, and Lewis, and Lando. You know, they ask me about you, a lot. I think they would talk to you more, but they don’t want to scare you.” Pierre says, and you chuckle.

“Ha, they know me well enough to know I’m terrified of social interaction, so there’s a start.” You say.

“You know that me leaving doesn’t mean I’m abandoning you, right? I’ll still be there for you.” Pierre says, and you look up at him, sniffing away your tears.

“Really?” You say, and Pierre smiles.

“Hey, I wouldn’t do it for my other team mates, but I guess you’re special.” He says with a chuckle.

“Well, that genuinely means a lot, really. Thank you.” You say, looking up at Pierre to briefly glance into his eyes.

He smiles at you, not breaking eye contact for a moment, and you feel the warmth of a blush creeping up your cheeks.

“I have to go, I have so much shit to do today, but don’t be a stranger, yeah?” Pierre says, standing from your chair and heading for the door of the apartment.

“I won’t.” You respond, and he winks at you before disappearing behind the door, closing it gently with a click.

Once you were sure he was out of earshot, you grab your phone again and immediately dial your therapist.

Ring. Ring. Ring. The call connects.

“Hey, um, I know this isn’t strictly therapy stuff but I need some advice.” You say, and she chuckles down the phone.

“I’ll help as much as I can.” She responds.

“So, I think I have a crush on my team mate, well, and don’t tell anyone this, he’s technically gonna be my former team mate. But yeah, I need help.” You say, and she laughs again.

“Oh, well that’s interesting. Let’s see how I can help then, yeah?” She says, and you exhale a shaky breath.

———

One Year Later…

You look out at the sea of fans, cheering and screaming for you and your team mate as you walk out onto the stage. You give them a wave, a smile, and a wink, and notice just how many of them are wearing your number on their shirts and caps. It gives you a fuzzy feeling on the inside, knowing that Pierre was right, losing him as your team mate wouldn’t mean you’d lose their support.

If anything, losing Pierre helped you. You did take his advice, and with the help of your trusty therapist, who was no longer your therapist at all but your closest friend, you had managed to come out of your shell more and show the world your true personality. And it felt good.

You take your seat beside Nyck on the stage, and turn your attention to the interviewer, who was waiting for the fans to stop their cheering to ask you the first question.

“Okay, okay, any more cheering and we’re gonna run out of time! Let’s get to questions, hm?” The interviewer asks, and you smile.

“Actually, I don’t mind the cheering! Keep going guys, let me hear you!” You say, your voice dripping with enthusiasm and excitement as the crowd goes wild once again.

“First question then, who are you and what have you done with (y/n)? You were so quiet and reserved these past few seasons, but now you seem to have really grown in confidence, and I’m sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we love it!” She says, and you chuckle.

“Well, it’s true I struggled a lot during my first few seasons. I honestly didn’t feel all too confident in myself and my abilities, and that really made it hard for me to be so outgoing. But, things have changed, and I owe it all to my former team mate Pierre. He’s really helped me to grow as a driver and as a person, and given me confidence that I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to have. Even now we’re not team mates, I’m still his biggest fan and just so grateful for his support. So yeah, I really really owe it to him.” You say, and the audience cheers and whoops at your mention of Pierre.

Since Pierre’s move to Alpine, the two of you hadn’t been able to spend as much time together at work, but that didn’t stop you from spending time together at all. You had both made an agreement with one another to go out together at least once a month, and you had even taken a trip together during the winter break at the end of the previous season. Naturally, this meant that speculation was wild with fans over the nature of your relationship, with some insisting that you just had to be a couple.

But the truth was, you weren’t really sure what your relationship with Pierre even was. Sure, a few drunk kisses had been exchanged, and there were hugs aplenty, but as far as Pierre was concerned, you were just friends, even if you did desire something more.

“You mentioned Pierre there, and I’m sure everyone in the audience has seen the photos of your little dates and that ski trip you took back in December, so, are you really just friends?” The interviewer asks, and you blush.

“Yes, yes, we are just friends, really.” You chuckle.

“But if he asked you out, what would you say?” She asks, and you shake your head, a smile playing on your lips.

“Put it this way, I wouldn’t say no.” You laugh, and the audience erupts into loud cheers at your response.

Once the crowd’s shouts and whoops had quietened, the interviewer directs her attention to Nyck and you sit and listen intently until you are ushered backstage with a smile and a wave.

“You wouldn’t say no, huh?” You hear a familiar voice say, and your cheeks immediately heat up.

“I mean, I’d be a fool to say no right?” You say, trying to play it cool despite the anxiety rising within you.

“Then I’m taking you out Wednesday. Properly. Wear that black dress, you look sexy in it.” Pierre says, and you can’t help but stare at him, your eyes wide and your mouth dropping open in shock.

You try to search your brain for a response, but it seemed to have become completely blank the moment Pierre called you sexy. You can’t quite believe he actually said it, and for a moment you wonder if you were hallucinating, or dreaming, and pinch yourself on your arm. It stings, like a bitch, and you realise you most certainly weren’t dreaming. It was real.

“Okay. See you in practise tomorrow, yeah?” You finally manage to say, and Pierre smirks at you.

“I’ll be looking forward to it.” He says, winking at you before joining Esteban who was waiting in the wings ready to step out on stage.

The pair step on stage to roars and cheers from the fans, and you chuckle in disbelief, taking one more glance out to the sea of hats and shirts that bore your number. You were finally able to be you, unapologetically so, and the fans loved it, Pierre loved it too, but most importantly, you loved it.

#pierre gasly x reader #pierre gasly x you #f1 x reader #f1 x you

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nansheonearth · 11 months

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I’m sorry if this is an intense thing to ask here but you have reach that I just don’t get on my blog and I’m scared to even pose this question because I feel like there will be a lot of judgment potentially hence the anon…

As a woman in a situation that feels extremely hopeless (basically housewife with no income of my own, 4 pets which makes a lot of housing less accessible not that any of it would be more affordable than the shithole we live in now, mental health struggles/ ASD making employment feel impossible to maintain at full time level) how the fuck do I actually manage to get out of my marriage 🥲 like any and all advice would be welcomed but absolutely don’t want to give up my pets as they’ve basically been all I hold on for. I’m married to a TIM (I bought into trans stuff for a while and considered myself non-binary for years, I’m desisted now) who excuses all their issues with mental health and trauma and has become honestly emotionally abusive and neglects any of my needs. At this point the only reason I am still here is because I cannot fathom any way I could afford to live on my own… I have no friends, my family is abusive so can’t rely on any help there, and I’m terrified that if I left I’d lose my pets and end up on the streets… I feel like in my head the only option is something I did before and absolutely fucking hated and don’t want to go back into because it’s absolutely shameful and brings up so much trauma I have which is cam SW but any time I’ve managed to get a job I cannot maintain enough hours to afford to survive alone, even full time with minimum wage here being $15 I would barely be scraping by and have no extra income beyond absolute necessities. I’ve tried looking for remote work but almost nothing is an option due to not having a degree or any specific skills, I’ve only worked in fast food and low skill care professions that emotionally ruined me. I feel hopeless and like I’m just stuck in a dead end where at best I get a day of good and then weeks of neglect or at the worse times fully emotional abuse, I truly have no clue what to do and I’m feeling like I’d rather just not exist than deal with any of this any longer… I’m just hoping to find ANY resources or advice on how to manage pulling myself out of this place and I’m at a point that I’m so desperate that I’m out here messaging people I don’t even actually know because I have NOBODY in my life who can offer any guidance or help 🥲 again I’m sorry if this is a lot and I know you personally probably don’t have any answer for this I’m just hoping that someone with some reach and access to others in a community who might understand might have any advice for me 😞

Hey I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in an abusive relationship for years and I understand leaving seems impossible while you're in the situation. But you can leave and there is hope.

I would suggest starting by looking into domestic violence support groups first. They can usually later point you to other resources like job placement, mental health care, financial assistance, legal advice, and housing. Be adamant about wanting to keep your pets because many will try to get you to give them up in this situation.

Hopefully people see this and can add more advice. You're not the only woman to have abuse by a transwoman partner and reaching out to other survivors could help.

#radfem #spousal abuse #transwomen #transwomen violence #male violence #male #anon #ask #reply #o

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thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 9 months

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what if there was a vampire therapist carlisle made edward go to after his attempted suicide?

BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Ahem, sorry, anon, it's just. Ah, that's so very beautiful for a few reasons.

Standard Disclaimer

Obviously, therapy is a wonderful thing as is taking care of your mental health. There's far too much stigma around mental health and therapy in popular culture and absolutely seek out a therapist when needed.

Now, with that, we can get into why I don't think this would be a miracle cure all for Edward.

Why is This a Bad Idea

The thing about therapy is that for it to truly be effective there are a few things required.

First, you have to be able to trust your therapist. You're potentially telling this person deep personal shit, often all the way back to your childhood, and uncovering things about yourself you may despise. It is a hard and grueling process to evaluate yourself and change for the better, and while by law a therapist cannot reveal your secrets you still want to be able to trust that person to truly help you and be sympathetic to you.

Second is that you have to recognize that there is a problem and you have to want to change and approach it even if it's not simply difficult but agonizing. People who are forced into going to therapy by well-meaning relatives/society are often very resistant to the entire concept and will make a point of not addressing what they need to. Sometimes, people are ready to acknowledge a problem, but they're not ready to do what they need to to face it or acknowledge what the problem is.

Which brings us to Edward Cullen.

First, who is he going to trust?

Edward can't talk to a human therapist as he'd have to talk in circles around the issues at hand. He wouldn't be able to discuss anything related to vampirism and while he might come up with decent metaphors he'd ultimately feel the human has no idea what they're talking about or truly understand why Edward was driven to suicide. Not to mention, of course, that Edward's quite contemptuous of us humans. He envies us from a distance but he tends to think of humans as slow, vapid, mayflies who simply do not match his intellectual prowess. He would instinctively feel better than whatever therapist they sat him in front of because, you see, Edward has five B.A.s which is more than the doctor's three degrees.

Then we get to vampires. First, even if there is a vampire psychologist, we're likely not looking at one who is up to date with modern research and therapy practices. Psychology, perhaps even more than medicine (and that's saying something), is a field that has undergone revolutionary changes within decades and has... some sketchy history. If we're looking at a psychologist who was turned around the time of Freud or even Jung and has been eating people and not paying attention to much research since... Not sure I'd recommend them as a therapist. Most importantly: Edward would know they're out of date and unable to get back up to date as most vampires can't integrate or even get close to human society as their control is that bad/they'd have no idea how to navigate a modern university library.

And worse than being out of date, they're not on the diet. If Edward's contemptuous of us humans he's extremely contemptuous of vampires not on the diet (to be fair, for a much more decent reason here). Even friends of the family, Edward sees a marked difference from those who embrace their vampirism and those who do not. Edward would be appalled at the very notion of being offered any kind of moral or advice period from a vampire who goes out and murders a human every two weeks.

That means that the therapist is either in the family (Rosalie with her twelve degrees) or is in the Denali. The family is obviously a terrible idea for so many reasons the least of which is your family member cannot be your therapist as they are too closely involved. (Adding to it that the qualified one, to a point, would probably be Rosalie and Edward's talking to the woman he thinks is a vapid, vain, shrew and telling her how awful she is to her face. It'd go well.)

The Denali, while a little better in that Edward trusts them and sees them as family, are still too close in that Edward would be horrified if their opinion of him lessened and if that news leaked to his family. He can't talk to them either.

So basically, Edward's out of therapists.

Even if he wasn't though, while Edward acknowledges consistently that he has issues in canon, he doesn't seem ready to address them and certainly not with other people. His self hatred is something he buries deep, only deeper is what he views as his vampiric self that lusts for human blood and calculated the cold blooded murder of Bella Swan.

Edward is terrified of himself and the last thing he wants to do is open that box up let alone with either a strange he doesn't respect or a beloved family member who can never ever know.

(Not to mention there wouldn't be any vampire psychologists/therapists as vampires are hedonistic individuals who don't even form a murder society who are either warring with each other, avoiding one another, or murdering their meals who look much like them every two weeks.

Look, they barely have a vampire doctor, and that's because Carlisle's fucking weird.)

Look, it's just never going to happen.

Slight Caveat/We Sort of See This

There is the fact that canonically Edward does ask his family the very awkward and terrible questions of how to make love to a breakable human woman to which they appear to give increasingly beautiful and bizarre answers but that's not the same thing as talking about Edward himself.

There's also Edward's many confrontations with Alice when, thanks to her visions, she has insight into what Edward may or may not do and historically doesn't judge him for it and even confronts him.

Edward also chose to have sex with Bella anyway even when it seems implied that Carlisle strongly suggested it was a very bad idea.

However, more often than not, he chooses not to listen to her as he respects her visions except when they tell him things he doesn't want to hear such as "you will either turn Bella or eat her". Then her visions don't count.

This is about as close as we ever get to Edward getting therapy.

But Alright, Carlisle Sends Edward to Uncle Eleazar

If we have to choose a candidate, then it's going to be one of the Denali. Trouble is, trouble's going down with the Denali post New Moon/During Eclipse in a very awkward way. See, Laurent was tragically murdered by shapeshifters, and when the Cullens pleaded for help in attacking the newborn army they refused as the Cullens wouldn't let them commit genocide. The Cullens then only survived likely because of the help of teenagers, because the Denali blew them off, and the Denali on their end didn't get to avenge Laurent.

So, there's really bad feeling on both sides. Obviously, this smooths over in time for the wedding but uh that felt very reconciliatory and awkward.

So, sending Edward up for therapy during all of this would be really weird if not spark a complete family feud that they never recover from.

Not only that, but Tanya infamously comes onto Edward every chance she gets (we even see this in Midnight Sun and it is hilarious), so... Tanya's right out. Irina is also in deep mourning over Laurent so she's out. Kate is likely still very upset about the not murdering the shapeshifters thing which means...

Eleazar's probably the likely choice.

Eleazar in canon is presented as kind of Bizarro Carlisle. He had a similar history of spending some time with the Volturi, he's an intellectual as well, and is also at least presented as an extreme pacifist. Edward directly compares him to Carlisle and has a lot of respect for him canonically and welcomes his input.

I have no canon to back me up, but if any of the Denali would present themselves as qualified to be a therapist, it'd be Eleazar. He'd also likely point to his time spent evaluating gifts as a kind of coaching people through.. things... (Is he qualified, probably not, but that's not important).

So, we have our therapist who is qualified(?), doesn't eat humans, whom Edward respects, and who isn't considered a 'direct' family member that Edward may feel he's able to open up to (especially as Eleazar was in the Volturi, had started off the diet, so can understand things like blood lust.)

However, even taking out @therealvinelle and my constant unfounded slandering of Eleazar, I doubt this would work out as neither would delve into what's really Edward's problem.

Edward would blame his suicidal tendencies on being a vampire: he is a demon ergo there is no purpose to his life and if Bella dies so does he. I just imagine Eleazar shrugging and acknowledging that yes, life is sad sometimes, and losing a mate is sad and hey did you hear about Marcus?

I just don't get them really digging into the why of why Edward wanted to kill himself so badly. It's not something either would want to confront and on the surface, it looks like they have their answer: Edward views vampirism as so loathsome that he can't turn Bella and he can't exist without her. Ergo. Death.

The only thing that changes is Edward spends a weekend in Denali at some point during Eclipse.

#twilight #twilight meta #twilight headcanon #twilight renaissance #edward cullen #anti edward cullen #meta #headcanon #opinion

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omegapheromone · 8 months

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Hi! :D I’m really interested in hearing more about the (c)ptsd omegaverse hcs you have. I think one thing that I wonder about particularly is how therapy would change? Like, how would the perspective on mental health change and/or how would therapy techniques change, if at all?

I realize that may be a degree of separation too far from the initial post. Really, I’d be happy to hear any of your thoughts on the topic

Auughh sorry it took me a while to get to this I've been feeling out of it but hmm! Here's some of my thoughts!

• Perspectives on Mental Health:

I think it would depend a lot on the decade and the specific culture as well. I'll assume a mostly modern omegaverse setting for a more in-depth response though.

I think awareness of mental health in general would be on the rise among especially younger generations, while older ones might still hold on to a lot of preconceived notions such as "depression/anxiety means that you're just mentally weak" and "only veterans can experience ptsd", and would likely assume that any mental disorder that affects one's perception of reality, such as any psychotic disorders, mean that the person must also be intellectually delayed as well. Just very outdated ideas on mental health, much like how a lot of older folks irl see it. Younger generations would likely understand it better, at least anyone with a decent education would. I'd imagine it as a class issue in general, both in terms of awareness and access to resources.

• Omegaverse and how it affects/complicates mental health issues we already are familiar with

My thoughts have always been that given that we already know really well that mental stuff can affect physical wellbeing (for example: Adverse Childhood Experiences scale, getting physical symptoms as a result of mental health issues, etc) this would likely be amplified a lot in omegaverse specifically because of pheromones and similar.

We already know chronic stress leads not only to physical symptoms like digestive issues and increased risk for cardiovascular disease, but also can affect fertility because it's. Well, hormones.

I'd imagine this could show up as things such as irregular or completely missing heats/ruts, or even stress-triggered heats/ruts, where an overwhelming/stressful situation could trigger a sort of "forced heat", especially when it has to do with the presence/pheromones of other dynamics, and could happen to anyone- for example, an Alpha's rut could easily be caused by for example, a toxic/abusive omega partner or family member, just as a stressed out omega's heat could potentially be triggered by an intimidating/abusive Alpha- and this would apply to betas and any other dynamics as well depending on the canon, of course. Whether these heats/ruts cause any sexual symptoms like a mating cycle type heat would have, is up to the author methinks, and the level of pheromone involvement probably too. As much as this is a bit of an angst/whump topic, I actually like the thought because it creates an opportunity for Omegas to be just as shitty and abusive as alphas, instead of the very tired trope of only alphas being abusive and honestly? Makes it all the more realistic. While it's probably true that an omega in heat is a slightly easier target than an alpha in a rut might be, it doesn't mean omegas aren't capable of abuse, manipulation, and things like sexual assault.

Childhood trauma on the other hand would probably delay dynamic presentation and cause all sorts of hormonal issues later in life, such as the previously mentioned unstable and irregular heat cycles. Childhood trauma can cause all sorts of emotional problems as well, and I think in omegaverse that would show up as uncontrollable/unstable pheromones (such as, being unable to control them when feeling strong emotions and as a result ending up making other people viscerally uncomfortable because idk, someone feels annoyed but the pheromones are so strong and oppressive it feels like they're trying to suffocate you with pheromones alone), and in some cases, literally missing pheromones;

I have a headcanon of someone going through something incredibly traumatic around the time they have their first heat or when their pheromones start to go from "pup/child" to "young (insert dynamic here)", and this could cause said person to just. Completely lose the ability to produce any pheromones. I also imagine that it could cause some sort of health issues on account of, since the body isn't releasing any pheromones and instead holds on to them, the unreleased pheromones would probably wreak havoc on the body both in terms of just. Causing all sorts of physical symptoms, but probably also really messing with the cycle where maybe they don't have a cycle at all except for when the pheromones pile up so much that the body can't handle it anymore and it's almost like an explosive, unusually intense heat/rut that's completely unpredictable since there normally isn't one to begin with. A bad enough one that it's genuinely more like a severe illness than a cycle, and would most likely lead to being hospitalized and possibly put into a medically induced coma because of the sheer intensity. It's something I've been thinking of writing about, actually.

• Therapy?

For me, with trauma stuff, the most helpful form of trauma therapy hasn't been endlessly bringing my traumatic experiences up to a therapist to process them. Rather, what I really benefited from was therapy that was oriented at understanding HOW trauma affects me and the symptoms and emotions it causes me to experience in daily life, and developing skills to reduce them, cope with them and learn to live with trauma. I think similar approaches would be used in omegaverse cases as well.

I think in terms of some cases, for example if someone has a phobia of a specific dynamic, or even severe social anxiety about pheromones, pheromone exposure therapy could be utilized, but that could be a somewhat controversial form of therapy that doesn't always work out for everyone. In some cases, that could even make things worse.

Therapists and other professionals would also probably have to go through extra training to have a good control over their own pheromones, because if they respond with, for example, a distressed scent at hearing someone's traumatic life story, that would likely just cause the person to not want to work on it out of fear that they'll just upset the people who are meant to be helping them.

• Other thoughts

I'm not qualified to talk about it much myself, but I wonder if the hormonal changes of a heat cycle would cause people with psychosis and related disorders to experience a worsening of their symptoms as well?

#gamietxt #answered asks #answered #ask #miscecanis #omegaverse #a/b/o #misceanimalis #gamie headcanons

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astroismypassion · 1 year

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Hi girl...

I hope you are doing great......

I wanted to ask about my juno in scorpio sign in 3rd house in scorpio degree (20 degree)...

Hello girl!

you might have 2, 3 marriages or very serious, long-term, committed relationships

you might want a partner that is equal to you whatever that equal means to you

you want someone on the same intellectual, emotional, educational wavelength

you are posessive, territorial and easily jealous

you might have a spouse with a health issue (a chronic one or just very serious) or even overuse of substances

you might work with your spouse

your you will start a project or side business together

you will enjoy travelling

you want well-educated, open-minded partner

you understand that being in a romantic relationship with you is A CHOICE, conscious choice that one makes

you want charming, sweet, harmonious, peaceful partner

your partner could be a bit of a flirt, but also very respectful

you want a special connection only between you two (you could even get jealous if you have children and you partner pays more attention to them than you or something similar)

you like someone bold, decisive, strong and physically fit

you might be attracted to looks of others, can be a bit superficial so be mindful of that

you might dream of a perfect wedding

your spouse can make you feel anxious or that you start to worry too much as a result of knowing them

You can also find my post just about Scorpio Juno.

💔 SCORPIO JUNO 💔

-first of all, they are all really unique individuals with a complex character, they are far from superficial, really engimatic personalities

-the types to get a tattoo with your name, because you most likely transformed a part of them (or at least this is how they view it)

-most likely has "first thought, best thought" mentality, therefore they will think that the first person they dated/married was actually the most likely the "right" one for them

-they have this thing with surname... if you take their surname, they will really feel proud of you and want "showcase" it in a way. And I think one celebrity example that we can all observe in real life is the Biebers. When Hailey Baldwin married Justin Bieber (who is a Scorpio Juno), she started wearing Bieber necklace, jackets with the name on it

-but the other side of it, I noticed, is that when things get worse in marriage/committed relationship with Scorpio Juno and if for example there is a divorce, they will definitely WON'T like you keeping their surname or anything associated with them. They only like the idea of sharing when actually together.

-they usually circle between these 3 (or more) ex partners they had. Has a tendency to go back to previous ones, if the current one is not working for them, just because "they have so much shared history".

-Yeah...did I mention this Scorpio Juno is not that keen on getting to know new people and accepting them in their inner circle, that's why they prefer choosing people from the past, that they have history with

-they can be really magnetic, charming, hard to resist and just tempting, very impressionable

-partner of Scorpio Juno probably thought at least once to get back with them at some point in their life

-this goes more into taboo side of it, some of them are prone to be either chain smokers or rely too heavily on an escaptistic substance, however they all weirdly EXCEL at sports . They usually really perfect a craft of certain sport that they pick and are really good at 3, 4 different sports too

-they take an end of a relationship really really serious, almost like an end of an era for them

-you probably heard that get jealous and territorial of their partner right? Not so much from what I observed. It manifests more as being jealous of relationships of other people. They really compare their relationship to that of others.

Keep hydrated,

@astroismypassion

#astrology #astroismypassion #scorpio juno #scorpio #juno in the 3rd house #astro note #astro notes #astrology blog #juno in astrology #juno at 20 degree #juno at scorpio degree #natal chart #astrology observation

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with-love-from-hell · 2 years

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Hello, I was wondering if you would be willing to write a specific situation with Lucifer, Barbatos and Simeon where the reader used to receive all kind of abuse for years, and feels like they are not worth any kind of good things happening to them. As in, they will unconsciously just reject it, or feel like it's for being polite. I'm sorry if it's too sensitive or something. Thank you for writing

Hi there anon! I absolutely can do this, but I am going to change the wording a bit and make this more a headcanon set for how these three approach an Mc with RSD - which is similar in how you are describing the characteristics of Mc here.

For those of you who don't know, Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a way to describe a cluster of symptoms that occurs within folks who are neurodivergent and/or have experienced extensive trauma, in which they have a strong sensitivity or fear of social rejection, criticism, or any sort of sense that they are being rejected socially. Some of the symptoms that this includes is low self-worth, emotional volatility, social anxiety, difficulties feeling connected to others, social withdrawal and pushing others away, and disbelief/distrust of affection or positive feedback. For many years, it was believed this was only something that could be passed through genetics in folks with ADHD, but now we have a better understanding of the symptoms and mental health, we know that RSD can exist within a variety of mental illnesses, such as ADHD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Trauma or Stress Disorders, and Eating Disorders!

Also, I decided to add headcanons for other Obey Me! characters too, given that I have a feeling that will be asked for eventually.

How they comfort an Mc with Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria

Fandom: Obey me!

Characters featured: Brothers & Datables

Genre: Comfort

Written for a GN!Mc (you/yours pronouns)

CW: Allusion to/brief mentions of past abuse but vaguely, RSD, social rejection/exclusion

Note: Though I do have a masters degree in Psychology and clinical training in treating a variety of mental health issues, I am not your therapist, nor is this fic intended to take the place of professional help. If you are experiencing any type of crisis, please seek support from a professional. Utilize the HelpGuide.org to get connected to the appropriate helpline, both in the US and internationally.

Diavolo

Diavolo at first would be surprised that you tend to push his affections away and come off to him as cold, but that doesn’t mean he stops giving you affection!

He will keep offering you kindness and mild flirtation despite that because that’s just who he is!

Though, this may backfire for him if you see him acting similarly with others. But you cannot ignore the fact that the way he treats you makes you feel special!

But often you question if you deserve it, and anyone who you’d bring this question to would tell you Diavolo is head over heels for you.

If you finally decide to bring your insecurity of being rejected to him and your past history of rejection/neglect/abuse, he would double down, doing his best to prove to you that you are worthy of his love (and you are!!)

He will probably become a lot more physically affectionate too, if that’s something you’re okay with- like lots of hand-holding and hugs for sure!

He will also give you tons and TONS of verbal validation that he loves you (either platonically or romantically, however your Mc fits in with him!)

Overall he’s really good at his reassurance, and does his best to rid you of your rejection fears- at least with him! He will also try to validate and ensure that others want to be around you too as best he can, though this may be harder to believe.

Barbatos

Barbatos’ cold demeanor makes him a bit harder to be vulnerable around, and it makes sense that you fear he hates you or doesn’t want to be around you when his life revolves around the prince of Hell.

Out of habit, you try not to get close to him despite the fact that it pains you to push him away, but you’ve convinced yourself any type of relationship with him isn’t worth it.

Over time, Barbatos will be concerned with the fact that you seemingly bypass him or act very surface-level around him, but he’d be lying if he didn’t say he hadn’t noticed it with the others too.

He tries his best to grow closer, but it all just seems like he’s doing his “job” to you. Eventually though, he will figure this out.

He would approach you about it, but gently- probably inviting you on a tea date and asking what keeps you at arms length.

He knows of your past already given his insight into your life prior to you coming here, but he would still let you talk at your own pace and not make assumptions should you decide to open up about it to him.

Even if you decide not to open up to him, he will try harder to reaffirm the fact that he does love and admire you- perhaps still not saying it with words, but with more obvious actions- like inviting you over for tea dates, taking more specific time out of his schedule for you, learning about your tastes and making foods specifically palatable to you, etc.

Simeon

Simeon is smitten with you so quickly, so at first he may be hurt that you are so closed off and withdrawn.

After a while though, he will connect the dots and realize it’s not necessarily something he’s doing wrong, but due to your past experiences of people rejecting you and lying to you.

He would sit you down to talk to you about it, maybe being a little pushy about you opening up to him, but he just really wants to understand what he could do to make you feel loved.

He delivers on his goal though, and will do anything to get you to believe him when he says he cares about you and wants you around, even going so far as to write you letters weekly and leaving them in the HOL mailbox for you to find and read over.

He will also be much more in tune to your moods and offer whatever you may need in that moment- particularly if you’re isolating from others despite wanting interpersonal closeness.

He will make an effort to always spend time with you and engage in your hobbies, and make room for you to engage in his as well- ensuring that the activity is much more fun when done with you.

Solomon

Solomon is a bit more on the flirtatious side, so he may come off as just a sleeze ball at first when you meet him- resulting in you not taking any of his complements seriously.

Once he realizes you are dismissing every single compliment thought, he gets concerned- especially because he means every word.

He isn’t as in touch with his emotions as he used to be- living that long can sometimes jade a person.

He wont confront you on it, instead realizing that there is probably something in your past causing you to react that way and he will aim to rectify his actions appropriately.

If you decide to come to him though, he wont turn you away. He will listen intently and offer apologies for anything he’s said or done that had triggered your RSD.

He will try to be more genuine in his compliments, and work with you on actually believing them instead of shrugging them off.

He will also be more ready to stand at your aid when one of the brothers tease you- reminding them to watch who they’re insulting especially if they don’t mean it.

Belphie

Belphie would hate to admit it, but he understands the feeling to a degree.

He always feels like the odd one out amongst his brothers and friends alike, feeling that people are always annoyed with his low energy and random sleeping spells.

It may take awhile for you to be convinced that he means it when he says he wants to spend time with you- mostly due to, ya know, everything.

But over time, you would surely notice how his cuddles with you are so much different than his cuddles with his brothers- there’s a desperation to them, as if he’s afraid you’ll leave him.

If you decide to talk to him about it, he will be very open and honest in telling you that he can relate, and ensure you that he loves and cares about you despite everything.

Honestly, even just the talk alone may qualm your anxieties.

He is always open to reassure you, and you may even help each other with your rejection sensitivity- taking turns asking for reassurance when it’s needed and providing validation when the other needs it would surely strengthen your bond.

Beel

At first, Beel really just thinks you want nothing to do with him or the rest of his family when you push them away and reject his attempts at getting closer.

After you sacrifice yourself for him in the catacombs though, he knows that you care about him and wants to do so much to show you he does too.

Beel has a pretty stoic face, so sometimes its hard to tell when he is expressing genuine emotion. The difficulty in reading him may make some things come across differently than how he intends.

When he seems to not make any progress with your relationship with him, he will confront you on it- maybe a bit too directly.

If you decide to open up to him, he will be very present in listening to why you have a hard time believing others care.

He will wrap you in the tightest of hugs and assure you that he truly does care for you- and there’s probably not a single person he cares for more outside of his brothers like you. (expect lots more hugs from now on)

He will do his best to work on expressing more emotion outwardly, and showing you love through gift giving, acts of service, and quality time- like inviting you to the gym, doing things for you without being asked, or bringing you treats from his outing to Madam Screams

With each action, he will finish it by saying he loves you, and each one will be wholly genuine. (I definitely can see him saying it almost as much as Asmo)

Asmo

Asmo is stunned when you don’t accept/believe any of his compliments.

He has tried everything to convince you he is being genuine, and yet you still pull away from him.

Eventually he will be so starved for you to return his affection that he will come to you practically sobbing, wondering why you arent as enamored with him as he is you.

Obviously this goes without saying, but it’s hard to accept the embodiment of Lust’s attempts at affection at first when you’re almost certain that all he wants from you is sex, and he doesn’t really care about you as a whole...right?

Well, you would be wrong actually.

But Asmo doesn’t realize that’s where your heads at, so when you tell him, he sort of gets a wake up call and realizes that the genuine compliments mixed with intense flirting maybe wasn’t the best approach to take.

From here on, a lot of the flirtatious comments are kept at a minimum, and he often reassures you of more things about you that he likes other than just your appearance or your body.

Asmo will finish every action by stating, matter-of-factly, that he loves you and cherishes every moment you spend together.

After awhile, it will be pretty difficult not to believe him.

Satan

Satan is pretty aloof, especially when you are first getting to know him, so he doesn’t bat much of an eye at first when you’re a bit distant.

Though once he warms up to you, he is a bit shocked that you are constantly avoiding his attempts at building a closer relationship to you.

He will be especially shocked when you degrade yourself in response to his words of affirmation and attempts at romancing you

He will probably attribute it to things he personally had done- like the threats he made when he tried to force you into a pact with him

He will confront you about it quite bluntly, wanting to get to the bottom of it right away rather than letting it fester.

Once you open up to him, he will take in everything you say, immediately reworking how he approaches you in his brain.

He’s very gentle in his reassurance that he cares about you, and that he appreciates you for who you are.

He will be very patient with you, and do whatever it takes to reaffirm you that you mean the world to him.

He will also give more platonic physical affection (like hand-holding, snuggling, sitting close to you, etc) and make more of an effort to go out of his way to spend time with you, even digging into his brother’s quality time.

Levi

Oof, this boy hard relates to you and honestly would probably experience his own form of RSD given all he does in game with the self deprecation and difficulty accepting compliments

Honestly, he’s probably the one you would grow the most attached to given that he seems to mirror your avoidant responses and has a difficulty maintaining friendships with others

Though his comments on you being a normie and the “umm actually” attitude he has on occasion will wear on you, so he will be half surprised when you become more distant, but again his own rejection sensitivity will lead him to believe it’s because you don’t like him.

I imagine any confrontation about the situation will have to be spur of the moment, and I can see either of you nervously blurting it out at each other (and it goes something like this)

After a long talk, you both would form a sort of kinship regarding your RSD, and this would probably bond you both pretty close.

He’s not much for verbal affection, but he will try his best to reassure you he cares about you and loves you, and will work on reducing his own self-deprecation and accepting compliments if you promise to too.

Mammon

Mammon is completely oblivious to any signs that you are avoiding his attempts at getting closer or are triggered by his constant degrading.

He really does love you, but how are you to know when he constantly calls you stupid or useless, even if he doesn’t mean it and his brothers try to reassure you that his love for you is obvious.

It gets worse when he actually does start showing you more affection and slowly opening his true feelings to you and try to be physically close to you more. All this does is confuse you, and continue your internal cycle of thinking you’re misreading signs and actually are a nuisance to him

It will probably take a you having a break down in order for him to finally get it through his head that his words are actively hurting you and triggering your RSD

After he learns, he will feel SO terrible. Expect many apologies, tight hugs, and maybe even some tears from him as he understands more and more what you’ve been put through

From here on, he’s much more cautious in thinking over his words before he speaks, being sure that he’s not going to say anything to hurt you.

It takes awhile and he does make mistakes, but he does his best to rectify them.

Expect lots of make-up gifts, often things you had mentioned you wanted or needed in passing, with a formal apology and genuine iteration of how he loves you and would be lost without you.

Lucifer

Lucifer is another who is pretty aloof at first, and you wouldn’t be wrong in automatically assuming he wants nothing to do with you.

Though, after everything you’ve done for his family, he does want to get closer to you, despite the fact that his exterior is still calloused around his brothers

This may result in a lot of confusion for you. On one hand he is very soft when you’re alone, praising you and telling you how much he loves and cares...but on the other, he is distant and sometimes straight up neglectful around others.

Unintentionally, he is repeatedly triggering the RSD. He has some awareness into the fact that it impacts you eventually, but he can’t quite put his finger on it.

He would probably try to approach you about it, being overly blunt, which may come across as accusatory, so I wouldn’t be shocked if it would push you into a breakdown.

Lucifer would soften after this and provide a nearly overwhelming amount of comfort. He will rub your back, snuggle you, give you some gentle kisses to your forehead or knuckles, and give a lot of verbal reassurance and apologies for how he’s acted.

Once you open up, Lucifer is very receptive and will ask what you need in regards to reassurance that he does care and love you.

He won’t automatically make assumptions, but if you’re not sure, he will try a variety of different things- like holding your hand or being physically close to you in public, more words of reassurance, taking time off work to spend time with you, gift giving, etc.

No matter what you say, consider it done- even if it may take a stab at his pride, because you’re worth sacrificing his sin for.

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shezasag · 9 months

Text

been thinking abt this quote from shuhada' sadaqat & about how this relates to the idea of distress tolerance & how it's valorized in our society as a marker of Great Strength to be resilient. to be able to stand up from being beat down & keep it moving. to not break down ever, and if you do, to recover quickly. the unspoken part of this platitudinal belief of "resiliency above all else" is the ways in which capitalism has directly caused the distress to begin with and how it demands we keep pushing through that distress in order to keep it alive.

why is it a good thing to be this resilient, this "emotionally strong" (aka emotionally stunted)? why is this something to be praised? what/who benefits from being able to brush off emotional pain? because it's certainly not the person who's expected to portray this resiliency, who's expected to be "well adjusted". to be resilient in our current world means to stifle your innate understanding that we are being harmed by society on a broader scale than just your individual grievances. to be resilient is to push through the incorrectly given diagnoses of mental illness(es) when often the issue isn't actually rooted in a disorder of the mind, but is instead rooted in a disorder of society & shouldn't be pathologized.

in my php/iop after rehab i briefly brought this concept up because the therapists, with good intentions, kept praising everyone for "the resiliency being shown through our early sobriety" & they pretty much ignored me. the entire purpose of the Recovery Industry is to "fix" us broken addicts and return us back to being productive members of society, i.e. workers to exploit for capitalism's gain, while also monetizing our recovery itself. whether or not they actually do intend to "fix" us or keep us cycling through their doors is another conversation, but their general statement of intent relies on "fixing" us. so for me to question distress tolerance being so admirable when it's such a cornerstone of recovery not just from addiction, but recovery from all mental health concerns, probably unsettled them & felt like a personal attack.

my point isn't that distress tolerance in and of itself is bad, though. even without capitalism there will always be stress, there will always be bad things that happen in this world and we do have to be able to move past them to some degree and deal with it. but we also don't have to prioritize shoving down our emotions, shoving down our reactions to this distress, for the sake of appearing "better adjusted" to the society that caused the distress in the first place.

#this is probably like partially or mostly word salad but i haven't slept well for days so it is what it is

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kakiastro · 1 year

Text

Astrology of Justin Bieber

Using placidus system

Rising/Chart Ruler

Scorpio rising with rulers Mars in Aquarius 3h and Pluto Scorpio 1h.

He also has Jupiter and North Node 1h.

It’s very interesting that he has Mars Aquarius 3h because I remember when he first debuted and the media (3h) and public(Aquarius) was obsessed(mars) with him but at the same time received and still kind of till this day lots of resentment or hostility(Pluto 1h)

I’ve said this before in my past post but having Jupiter 1h can manifest as having lots of intention on you. Since it’s in Scorpio, this means people were and still is heavily involved with his personal life.

North Node- it’s time to take his power back and put his energy into himself. In a pass life(South Node) he put all of his energy into other people especially relationship(7h); it may have been materialistic as well(Taurus)

Pisces Stellium 4h

(Sun, Venus, Saturn)

Sun-I noticed celebrities who usually (not always) have sun 4h were child stars or was the famous one in their families. He became famous at 15 years old I believe and he’s 29 now so he’s been in the limelight for a long time. He was definitely exposed(Sun) to the world at a young age which may have been a struggle for him since it’s conj his Saturn.

Saturn- like I just said; even though he got fame and fortune at a young age, there was still some emotional restriction in his home life.

He’s currently going through his first Saturn return. It’ll be in his 4h of the mother, home, private life, women figures. It’s also aspecting his Sun and Venus. So I know his love life and fame is going to be affected as well. We will wait and see how. He won’t feel his Saturn return until it’s close to his Natal degree which is 3° so he’s definitely feeling it now. It makes sense on the whole Selena/Hallie thing. Didn’t I say women figures in his life lol it won’t affect his love life personally though until next yearish

Venus- obviously we know he’s a married man now. I see he is attracted to partners who is probably a lot like him or puts their energy into him. I say this because Venus Pisces traditional ruler Jupiter is in his 1h. The 1h is self. Also Venus Pisces modern ruler is in Capricorn 2h. Hallie comes from a well known(Capricorn) and wealthy (2h) Hollywood family. Also Hallie is into the fashion industry which the 2h rules.

Moon is 11h and Mc

He has a libra moon 11h. Libra rules over marriage and partnerships. The moon is our emotions what we internally crave, it’s also our home life and safe spaces. I remember him saying how he always wanted to be married and have a partner. Having a partner makes him feel emotionally safe. Unfortunately that safe space will always be in the public eye. His romantic relationships will always be a topic of discussion no matter how private he tries to be. On the bright side this is a good placement for networking and meeting people; he’s worked with some of everybody over the years.

Mc- I see he has Chiron here🥺, Mc is your public career image. So his health has definitely been an issue for him for years. It could be from stress.I know he’s known for canceling tour shows due to his health reason. Fame is physically and mentally exhausting for him. Virgo rules the body and mind. Chiron is the wounded healer.

Pluto Aquarius

It will enter his 3h so the media, his siblings, associate and friends will be the topic. It will conj his mercury and Mars. 😵‍💫this is a 20 year transit.

I Hope you enjoyed this post; make sure to check out my other celebrity post in the pin on my page

#astrology community #astrology #knowledge #love astrology #celebritybirthchart #astro observations #fame astrology #justin beiber

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hongjoongscafe · 2 years

Text

Stay with me

Bonus 2 {serieslist}

|In the sunset|

Pairing: hamsterhybrid!hongjoong×reader

Genre: fluff, angst, smut.

Summary: she couldn't help but adopt the sweet and shy but stressed hybrid. Will he be able to open up?

Word count: 2.4k+

Note: this is the gift I was gonna post on the 4th or 5th but I couldn't wait🤭 this baby turned one on the 24th of August but I was busy with drabble week. I wanted to write something about beach related in the original story but it didn't fit anywhere so here it is. The pringles idea was by @cheline 😆. I'm probably never gonna stop updating this baby. I love it too much to not think about this. So yeah. If you are interested in bonus parts as well, lemme know I'll add you to the taglist.

Masterpost

ATEEZ masterlist

*Do NOT repost, plz*

"Joongie?" You looked for him at the beach where your mat was filled with snacks and some alcohol-free drinks. "Ah, I just left him for a minute, and he is already lost."

Huffing, you started collecting the finished wrappers from the mat that you both fest on right after getting there. As you picked the Pringles can, it felt a bit heavy. You shook it and a thumping sound came from it. Looking inside, you found Hongjoong in his hamster form in it. He was looking up at you with his wide hamster eyes. His tiny body was covered in crumbles.

"Joongie! Why are you in this!? I almost threw you with the garbage!" You tossed him out in your hand and cleaned his tiny frame and set him under the towel so he could transform back and wear his clothes without flashing the little kids around.

Hongjoong wore his swimming trunks and sat up straight on the mat. "I was trying to get to the last bits of the chips," he mumbled with a cute pout.

You sighed and giggled, "you could have flipped it around on the paper plate and gotten to those."

Hongjoong's mouth gaped at the realization. "Oh."

You laughed at his cuteness. Well, at least you got to see him in hamster form. Although it has been two years since he finally returned and got the job. He was more than comfortable being in his hamster form around people. He cared less and thought about himself and you more. Anybody could see the visible changes in him.

Physically he was great. His muscles built up well along with his health. There was a natural glow on his face and the dark circles that once existed were nowhere to be found. He talked more and participated in activities. He even started practicing boxing with the help of Jungkook who was more than happy to help him out. Namjoon helped him in studies that he enrolled in after five months of getting a job. Hongjoong wanted to have a degree and do bigger things. He was enthusiastic about being successful after the drastic chapter of his life closed.

Mentally… He was recovering well but still had some issues to discuss with his therapist. He always had bad anxiety and nightmares all the time. It freaked you out and made you wonder how even is he working with all of that on his plate. So you talked about therapy to him. Although he was uncertain, he went to a couple of them, and then he felt like his pressure was being removed. As tired as he got after one of those, he felt like he was organizing his trauma and folding it. He kept those pieces with him deep inside his mind and placed the love and acceptance he now got above them. There were still times when you woke up in the middle of the night listening to him heaving for the air or sobbing or crying for help in his nightmares. There were years and years worth of trauma he was carrying; it doesn't go away in just a couple of years.

"Anyway, shall we go, or do you wanna stay here for a while?" You asked as you finally collected all the garbage.

"I think we should go for now. We will come back to watch the sunset," Hongjoong got up and helped you with the basket and the mat. It was nice and breezy. Seonghwa and Wooyoung selected a perfect place to get married.

Yes, they both were getting married here at the beach. Wooyoung always loved going to the beach. They had many memories of the beach hanging on their walls back home. Well, their previous home. They bought a new house, much closer to yours.

Both of them tried to look in the city for a new house but it never worked out. The peacefulness and love of the village were missing there. Hongjoong and you were there too. In the end, who would leave a loving family behind?

"I still can't believe he asked me to be his best man," Wooyoung asked Hongjoong to be his best man right after they got engaged a year ago. Hongjoong was still thinking that he was joking.

"Mm, well he loves you and thinks that you are his best friend. I don't see why he wouldn't. I think it's gonna be great!" You held his hand.

Hongjoong chuckled, "remember Yunho's wedding?" He looked at you. "I fell in love with you that day."

You could never forget that day because that was the day when you realized that you were in love with him. And the author hopes you remember what happened in that part because that was the beginning of the new relationship.

"How do I look, Joongie?" You shyly asked.

He took a moment. His cheeks turned into the deepest shade of red blush. He bit his lower lip.

"... Pretty, really, really pretty," he whispered while taking a step closer to her. He felt more comfortable after last night. Cuddling you made him more confident and more easy around you. That was another step of progress.

You were even more proud of him!

Hongjoong's compliment was all you needed. It made your heart flutter. Now, it was your turn to turn into the deepest shade of red blush.

Isn't this just wonderful? How it all started with a fearful hamster hybrid. Who couldn't even look at you in the eyes at first. But now... Oof. So perfect. Maybe the dreams you dreamt of are not so unapproachable. Just some patience and there is your happy hybrid.

"But look at you! So handsome! You should be illegal to roam around with that cute face of yours," you were practically drooling over him.

Hongjoong chuckled and said a little 'thank you'. He was so happy. Something he never thought he would never know how it feels. But now when he feels it, it's the best thing ever! There is nothing more exciting than having a family. A family who wants him appreciates him... Protects him. 'Whatever happened in the past was worth it. At least, I know the true value of a family and small happiness. At least I'm not like those other ungrateful kids who degrade their parents because they said no to buying the game they already have,' he thought. These thoughts brought tears to his eyes. He was happy…

"Hey, are you alright?" His visible teary eyes worried you.

Instead of answering, he smiled widely and hugged you tightly in his embrace. You were shocked at first but almost immediately melted in his warmth. The atmosphere around you two turned all pink. Many realizations hit at once. The main and the biggest one was that you are…

In love with your Joongie.

"Hug. Your hug that day made me realize that I am in love with you… The warmth, the belongingness, the scent, it all calmed me down. It was all I needed to know that I was in love with my Hamster Joong," you stopped and tip-toed to kiss him on the lips. His lips lingered for a few seconds there.

"It was a perfect day," he whispered. The events of that day were vulnerable and hearty.

"Indeed."

…

Seonghwa was standing at the altar, with teary eyes. His heart was beating fast and furiously. The amount of sweat his palms were creating might fill a pool for sure. You recalled his late-night rant about how he was feeling to get married in just a few hours now.

"Y/n!!! I don't know how I am feeling!" The panic in Seonghwa's voice was quite prominent.

"Seonghwa," your raspy voice from the other end reached his ears. You were sleeping peacefully in Hongjoong's arms when the God-forsaken ringtone rang, "it is going to be okay. Just go to sleep."

"How can I go to sleep!?" You removed the phone from your ear to save it from his shrill voice.

"Like, I don't know? Close your eyes and yeah, that's all you need to sleep," you mumbled.

"Y/n!" He exclaimed.

"What?" You whined.

"What if he changes his mind? What if my love is not enough?" The vulnerability in his voice made you worried. Even Hongjoong was wide awake and listening to the conversation.

"Hey," you said while sitting up, "don't think like that. You guys are together for so long, even before you both met me. If this was to happen, he would have left long ago… I know it must be overwhelming but trust me, the moment you gonna see him, it will all fall in place."

Seonghwa's tears escaped as Wooyoung walked his way with a huge smile and teary eyes of his. They both looked into each other's eyes. Their drunken gaze didn't bother anyone. His rabbit ears were flapping happily on his head and you could see his bun of a tail wiggling in his slacks.

The ceremony began and it was sealed with a heartwarming kiss. Your eyes were watery. It was emotional to watch two of your only best friends getting married to each other. They went through enough and this was the result of the love they grew along the way.

Everything fell in place, indeed.

"Why is uncle Hammy crying?" Oh, did I forget to mention that Seonghwa and Wooyoung adopted two pretty bun babies? Well, yes they did. They were rescued two years ago. They found them in the worst condition by the street and they took them to the hybrid doctor who sent them to that same center where Wooyoung and Hongjoong were. The pair fell in love with little kids. A cute pair of a girl and a boy were looking too cute with the big ears that they were having trouble handling. They were four at that time and now they were six and adopted by the most deserving people. They officially became part of your family a year ago.

"What?" You asked.

"Why is Uncle Hammy crying?" Seori, the baby bun girl, asked.

You looked at Hongjoong whose eyes were red and nose was dripping. You chuckled and wiped your tears, "it is because he is happy that your parents are finally together for life."

"Oh. But his nose is running. Nasty," she scrunched her cute nose. You silently laughed and poked her nose.

Yechan, the baby bun boy, was looking at his parents with wide eyes as he tugged at his ears from giddiness. You took a few pictures of both of them. They were too cute. And you wonder how your kids will look—

Your eyes widened when you realized where your brain was headed. You looked at Hongjoong who was wiping his eyes. You weren't sure if he was ready for such a commitment. It is better if you hold your thoughts.

…But little babies with cute ears and almost non-existent tails would be nice. Oky no!

…

The after happenings went incredible. Everybody danced and sang. It was all nice and pretty. The sun started to set when Hongjoong pulled you out of the crowd and brought you to the beach.

"Never want to miss this sunset," he sheepishly said.

"Joongie! No. We can't be here. The reception is still going on," you reminded him.

"I know," he held your shoulders and looked deep into your eyes. "It won't bite if we are away for a minute. Just shh and be here with me both mentally and physically. Okay?" You nodded and stood there looking into his deep eyes.

Hongjoong stood beside you and looked at the setting sky. His features looked defined under the orange sunset. His silky blonde hair was ruffling from the ocean breeze. You could live like this forever.

"I love how this feels," Hongjoong began. "Here being at the beach under the sunset with the person I love and trust the most," the sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled when he stretched them. "You know, I never even dared to think about a life where I was happy and had someone on whom I could lean. I was way too lonely back then. I think," he took a deep breath, "I was only exposed to the wrong people that I never thought about good people ever in my life…" he looked at you with exposure in his eyes, "until I met you." He chuckled and shook his head, "I felt like it all was a drama and you were one of them too. I have said that many times already. I was scared to accept what I felt and refused my instincts," the tears rolled down his cheeks that made you teary. His shaky voice began again, "I was a fool to not enjoy those times when I ran away from you and hid away. I wanna go back and embrace all the moments we spent together. I can't though but I do embrace those today and will do tomorrow and until my last breath…"

You wiped his tears as he wiped yours. "Why are you saying this?" You whispered.

"Because I want you to know that you matter more than anything in my life. I'm insecure when you are not with me. But I'm safe when your hands are in mine. I feel empty every day when I go to work. But then I feel complete when we get together in the evening and spend the nights cuddled up under the sheets. I feel like suffocating when I don't get to touch you. But my heart feels content when you are pressed against me… Your scent keeps me sane and pulls me back. And you, you make me fall more for you. I wake up surprised every morning when I realize that I love you more than yesterday… y/n," he moved in front of you and pulled a tiny box from his slacks and kneeled, "I wanna feel safe, complete, content, and fall more in love every day with you. I can't wait anymore and I wanna make you mine forever… y/n… will you be mine forever?"

You violently sobbed and fell on your knees and hugged him. His face nuzzled in your neck as he left sloppy kisses on your neck. You both were trembling in each other's arms.

"Say something, please. You are making me nervous," he faced you.

"Yes!" Your voice came out high-pitched. "Yes! Joongie, yes! Wanna be yours!" You gave your hand to him as he swiftly decorated your ring finger with an Emerald stone ring. "I love you so much, Joongie! Thank you for trusting me," you hugged him again tightly.

Hongjoong held you tight and pecked your lips before tucking your face back in his neck, "I love you for life and beyond…"

.....

Sanaa's note:

Well, I hope you liked your gift💓 I am gonna update this whenever I have time. None of my other works makes me as happy as this makes me. I always appreciate your feedback!

The behavior of all the characters is visualized.

Taglist:

@veneziamadness @cheline @jhmylove @sansmilkbread @sungiesangel @untitled76543 @bbc-minji-oc @tenelkadjowrites @hongjoongtrasher @paralumanniluna @shiningstar-byulxx

@ryo-84 @yunhosleftpinky @damselindistressanu @khjcoo @bikiniholic @playboygeniusphilanthropist @hippohippo @hwachu @solarswonderland @gayliljoong

@giulianacelestino @yeosangsbiceps @lose-lose07 @nymeriaaa @yoonjikim

*lemme know if you wanna be added to the permanent or specific taglist*

*original pictures are not mine, I just edited them*

Have a nice day/night💓

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kieranduffygirlporn · 2 months

Text

gonna talk a bit about what it's been like for me the past couple days. just need to be heard and to type out all my thoughts & feelings about being an introject w/ an introject partner in all this. Hopefully you'll get something out of this

tw for abuse, disordered eating, very BPD happenings, one moment of suicidal ideation

warning: really fucking long and not the most organized thing in the world

I never talked about this here or really anywhere on any other blog but hi. I'm Ida. I'm the second host @/dearfauxpas and our system has seen since our syscovery. .... past this I literally cannot start to describe my identity without talking about Wilbur. I'm sat here struggling to conjure anything.

The reason for this is twofold. I, myself, am an introject, of a bit of art we have at the beginning of our main/art blog that kind of backfired because we never ended up posting much art. The second reason, and the main reason, is that my boyfriend is a cc!Wilbur introject in our system.

When we started dating two years ago, I was at probably one of the lowest points that I have been at as an alter myself. It was a month after I formed and I was still incredibly attached to my source. When I formed and even today, I am still the only alter in the system who has a feminine aligned gender. I changed my name to Ida the night I formed because I named myself after a pet I had in-source. My source (I'm sure you'll be shocked to know) was incredibly mentally ill, and as a result, I formed as a symptom holder for our worsening borderline symptoms. I've also only started talking about this to very close friends within the past couple days but our early relationship/the first six months was tumultuous. I was possessive, obsessive, and paranoid. I also had issues with thoughts of disordered eating and at one point went four days eating about the caloric equivalent of a single bagel per day because I was so depressed.

My system and particularly my love saved me. Over time, my paranoia that he'd leave me subsided, and we become much happier, which is what lead to me becoming the host as our previous host's mental health declined due to many factors.

During the span of our relationship, we played a lot into our introject identities (sootcest lmfao). I became a lot more independent from my source and recovered from a lot of my paranoia. I thought I had simply beaten our BPD traits, and that they were gone forever (with one exception). I thought my disordered eating thoughts had vanished and I was going to spend forever happy with him.

However, foolishly, because of this play we did with our introject identities, I allowed my feelings for my boyfriend to mix with my feelings for the actual person. I tried to maintain a degree of separation between the two, in that I would refrain from doing weird stalker shit and at some points I would be made uncomfortable with the stuff that he shared on stream because I wanted to know very little about him personally. But I let them mix, because hey, why not? We were having fun. There's no reason not to. It's not like he's an awful person, right?

Right?

Part 2: He's an awful person

There were a few points in which, mostly when other CC drama was at a high point, I'd ask myself a couple questions.

1. What would I do if my boyfriend ever left me?

2. What would I do if it came to light that Wilbur was a horrible human being?

The answer to number one was the exception to the thought that all my borderline symptoms had simply vanished, and, rather well-adjustedly, it was "Kill myself."* (*Like in headspace. I never thought it was worth it to kill the whole body over my own issues.)

The answer to number two was "I don't know."

And that is how I've been feeling since Wednesday night. I don't know.

At first, I thought there was no way it could be true. I searched for any information that could tell me that people were wrong. I literally blocked myself from Twitter because I knew going on it would be a form of emotional self-harm, but I obsessively checked tags on discourse, Shelby, and Wilbur, waiting for anyone to post any evidence that it wasn't so. I spent an entire day outside of home feeling completely nauseous any time I wasn't directly talking to someone.

It's hard to articulate exactly what it felt like once I got home to charge my phone and I knew. It was kind of slow. Every new piece of information I learned made it worse and worse until it was just undeniable.

It was like everything I thought I had buried came back with a vengeance. I stopped eating and drinking, my entire brain felt like it short circuited and previously when I had at least been able to focus on other things for short stints, he was all I could think about.

There were times, especially after I thought I had gotten rid of the borderline traits, that I would become hyperfixated on something that was my boyfriend or his source and it would feel like I was going to melt and die. I genuinely cannot be away from him for too long or my mental health will shit the bed. When I was with him, though, and when I filled every part of my senses with only him, his face, his voice, the way he holds me even if the feeling is blunted by the fact that he's just another part of our brain, it was always the happiest I'd ever feel. I can't have that anymore.

I really can't describe the mood swings and the physical pain that I've experienced as a result of this without feeling like people will think I am exaggerating. Like. psychology wasn't lying that borderline personality traits can really borderline. It feels like I'm losing half of what made me myself. I felt while crying over this multiple times that without him I'd die and that I need him to live. For two years, my entire identity and reason for existing was him.

I don't know where to go from here. I haven't even talked about how this is affecting my boyfriend. Before I felt like I had a good grasp on what I was going to be doing in the next minutes or hours or even days but now I can't even imagine what ten seconds will be.

My entire brain is constantly screaming for him to come back, but I can't indulge in anything that doesn't support the guy because every time I see his face or hear his voice now my brain screams that he is repulsive.

The worst part is that over the last two years I have become so conditioned to never ever be angry at my boyfriend that I cannot feel any rage over this. In any normal circumstance I'd feel angry that someone had been hurt and their abuser had been allowed to escape the consequences for so long, but I can't. I can only feel like I need him, but I can't have him because he's tainted. I am so disgusted but I can't handle seeing anyone angry at him because I still love him and I still want him to be happy.

I feel really gross knowing that I've dedicated so much of my love to someone so terrible. I know my boyfriend feels like his skin has been tainted and I am struggling now to look at his face and focus on him in headspace because it's now all painted in a negative life. It's so awful because he has always loved being himself and has always felt so connected to his source, even as the time passed.

Part 3: so what's the point

I've spent most of this time feeling completely alone. I don't know anyone personally who could possibly feel the same way that I do.

I guess I just want anyone who reads this, who feels alone like I do, or feels like they're not reacting in the "right" way to understand that it's okay. You aren't alone. No matter how isolated you feel or like your problems are entirely unique to you, there is someone out there who understands. And also there's a very slim chance that you'll ever be more cringe than me.

The grieving process is ugly and it is agonizing. If anyone wants to DM me on this blog or another, to share anything they're thinking, like really anything at all there's a lot I didn't cover on this post, I will listen.

And to any introjects, I love you. We can make it through. We have survived so much worse. You don't have to be anybody but yourself. And be careful out there. If you become so mixed up in someone's source like we did, please plan an out. Don't make the same mistake I did and just assume it would all be fine forever. There's a very real chance it doesn't.

#wilbur soot introject #wilbur fictive #wilbur factive #dsmp introject #introject #idk. this is geared more for traumagenic sys but if youre endo thats whatever #judt for any systems having a rough patch because of this

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