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thissortofsorcery · 10 months

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@intothedysphoria has inspired me to write about autistic!harringrove, and my own experiences with autism... Max, this is for you! I hope you like it!

tw for anxiety and sensory overwhelm, but it ends fluffy, I promise.

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It started as a normal day, but it quickly derailed from there.

An asshole at work approached Billy from behind and clapped his hand around the nape of his neck, despite Billy having told him several times he didn’t like that.

Billy didn’t like being touched at all, by most people. And some people had no concept of personal space.

A horrible, painful shiver cut through his spine, icy cold and almost slimy, and Billy held back a shudder. He broke out in goosebumps, and only years and years of practice, of putting on the charm let him pull away from the dickhead graciously, laugh at whatever he said and keep himself together until he could hide away in a bathroom stall.

Billy presses his fingers to his closed eyes hard, seeing stars, and rubs the back of his neck vigorously, trying to replace that cold shiver with something else. Tears spring to his eyes, and he feels so fucking frustrated.

Finding out you’re autistic in your twenties is an experience. A lot of things start making sense, and a lot of things you pushed down and convinced yourself weren’t a problem spring back up like a jack-in-the-box, a hundred times worse.

Like the touch thing. It’s not that Billy doesn’t like being touched. He just doesn’t like being touched by people he doesn’t know, and for no reason.

Like, his physical therapist, when she was helping him regain dexterity in his hands after Starcourt, that was fine.

Some dude in the office touching his neck, even casually, not so much.

Billy takes a deep breath, tries to remember the self-care workbook he and Steve filled out together a couple months ago. Tries to calm down.

Three ways I can distract myself when someone touches me, he’d written, glancing back up at Steve with a smile. Happy they were doing it together.

Loud music + puzzle

Hot drink

Yelling

Steve laughed and shook his head (“it’s very you”) when Billy wrote down the last one, but it really did help.

Billy gives himself a few more moments in the stall before he slinks out, heading to the sinks and splashing cold water on his face. The sensory shock helps a little, the cool, pleasant feeling helping balance the sensation of something crawling under his skin.

He checks if the break room is empty before he goes in, and it thankfully is. He doesn’t want to run into anyone. Doesn’t think he has it in him to mask right now.

Billy makes himself a mug full of scalding hot coffee and hurries back to his office, avoiding eye contact with anyone who throws out a hello. So what if they think he’s angry. Maybe he is pissed.

He manages to spend the rest of the day locked in his office, headphones on, and only comes out when it’s time to go home.

Of course, all he wants is to see Steve, wants his comforting presence, even if they’ve been dating only three months. When he walks through the door of Steve’s house, he sees Steve sitting on the couch, feet up on the coffee table, wearing his ugly vomit green socks with raccoons on them, that he’s had since he was 15 and won’t get rid of.

A wave of relief crashes through him, nearly leaving him dizzy. He breathes deep, catches the smell of his clean house, laundry, and Steve.

“Hey baby,” Steve calls, laying his head on the back of the couch to look at him, making his glasses just a little bit crooked. “Bad day?”

“Does my face look that terrible?” Billy grumbles, taking his shoes off at the entryway before he steps into the living room.

“Your headphones are around your neck,” Steve points to them, a smile ticking up the corner of his mouth.

Oh. Billy forgot to put them away. He doesn’t need them in the car.

He sighs and throws himself down next to Steve, a careful, deliberate distance away.

“I’m just ‘whelmed,” Billy mumbles.

“Overwhelmed?”

“Not anymore. Just whelmed,” He says, sighing again. His body sags, melting against the cushions. He doesn’t feel shivery anymore, but he feels tired, like he’s on the bad end of an all-nighter.

Steve puts his hand on the cushion between them, palm up, not touching Billy.

Billy takes a deep breath, watching Steve’s hand. He knows that hand intimately, knows it to be warm and soft and kind, knows how its skin feels against Billy’s, the friction making the shivers good instead of bad.

He puts a tentative fingertip on Steve’s pointer finger, and all Steve does is press back, smiling gently.

Billy slides his fingers in between Steve’s, laces them together, holds his hand palm to palm, and feels the touch of his skin like they’re buzzing together.

Billy knows he can change his mind, and all Steve’s gonna do is smile, sit on his side of the couch, and continue the conversation.

“How’s that book you were working on going?” Steve asks. He rubs his thumb over the back of Billy’s hand once, and stops. When Billy squeezes his hand, he resumes the movement, sending pleasant tingles up Billy’s arm.

“Good. The writer was receptive to what I said. They sent me a couple reworked chapters today,” Billy says, moving closer to Steve, so their arms press together.

As the conversation goes on, Billy presses closer and closer, at his own pace, and Steve accepts it crumb by crumb.

He doesn’t know what he did to deserve Steve, or how Steve is so patient with him. Steve loves physical contact. Billy does, too, but he’s so particular about it that sometimes he wonders if he’s even worth sticking around for.

Billy ends up lying on top of Steve, chest to chest, nose tucked into his throat, breathing in his warmth and his scent.

“Don’t touch my neck, okay?” He asks, hunching his shoulders a little.

“Yeah, okay,” Steve says, easy as that. “Can I touch your hair?”

“Yeah.”

Steve turns his head and kisses Billy’s head, right on the hairline, pulling a deep, content sigh from him.

“Thanks, Stevie,” Billy says, squeezing his ribs just a little tighter. “For doing this for me. Being patient.”

Steve looks down at him, frowning slightly.

“‘Course. You shouldn’t— You don’t have to thank me,” He says, earnest. “It’s not a chore, Billy. You’re not…” He licks his lips, trying to think. When he looks at Billy, it's like he's telling him a secret. “You make me happy. All of you.”

Billy’s smile is wide, stretching his full lips and showing his teeth, and Billy only drops it so he can kiss Steve.

They keep it chaste, an unhurried, soft press of lips, enjoying their intimacy and their closeness and their familiarity. Simple as it is, it's one of the best kisses he's had. Steve's the best person he's ever met.

When Steve touches him, he feels safe. Billy wants to keep him.

#harringrove #billy hargrove #autistic billy hargrove #steve harrington #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #billy x steve #sorcery writes #mine

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rorimoon9597 · 5 months

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I got the urge to share this story that my mum told me, so I'm gonna because I'm autistic and nothing can stop me from infodumping to strangers on the internet.

My mum tried to get me diagnosed at seven, but I was declared to not be autistic because my eye contact and facial expressions were too good. I ticked all of the boxes except those two, which the boxes were created from autistic two-year-old boys who are a different colour of autism compared to me? A girl???

Anyway, that led to me wondering why the fuck I was so weird and different and I had meltdowns over it until I read about autism in a book at the library. Literally, I just opened it and I saw myself in the pages. I self-diagnosed myself. I knew why I was different, and weird and all of these things and it was like I was breathing after being underwater my entire life.

I was diagnosed at eleven, and ever since I've not been struggling with myself. I know who I am, and I know why I am the way I am. I don't hate the fact that I'm autistic, in fact I love it. I do weird things, but I can't imagine my life if I were neurotypical. In fact, it'd be weird if I wasn't autistic. Even my mum and sister agree with that.

Moral of the story: Self-diagnosing yourself is okay, because it gives you an explanation for why you're so different. Getting an official diagnosis not only gives you an explanation, but also the confidence you need to be able to live your life.

And I'm unapologetically autistic. I wear sunglasses and headphones and a face mask whenever I'm outside of my house, and I take Hana to many places for no reason except that I can. I'm not going to apologize for being me.

let's make that a tag, actually. Unapologetically autistic.

#autistic #actually autistic #autism #autistic things #unapologetically autistic #I ain't sorry for being me #This Is Me from The Greatest Showman is a good song for autistics #it makes me feel stimmy too #I like feeling stimmy

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urlocalgaycoffeaddict · 6 days

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Ik that I usually only get 1-4 notes on my posts and I'm fine with that I just post what I think or if I think something is funny but I wanna try and reach out to the neurodivergents of tumblr because I need to know I'm not insane and it's probably not good that I'm trying to resolve my self doubt by asking internet people but that's an issue for another day,but anyways back to my point,so I'm pretty sure I'm neurodivergent but am not in a current position to get a diagnosis right now and I overthink alot that maybe I'm just trying to explain away my weird personality or behaviors and I of course am not going to use any response as a diagnosis I just want some opinions,so again back to my main point what I think I could possibly have is ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and I've gone through the DSM's and the diagnosing criteria for both of these and reviewed the symptoms that overlap and don't and how they present in females (I'm nonbinary but afab) and I've gone through and ticked almost every box and I fit into the criteria well as well as being told by my school counselor based on what I've told her and how I've approached and researched this she thinks it's a real and likely possibility I'm right and my friend who has ASD has flat out told me he dosnt think I'm neurotypical and I just thought I'd list some of the behaviors/symptoms I have and am aware of and just want some input from people who have been assessed and have diagnoses

I've always had sensory issues even if only a little bit since I was a kid like food textures,fabric,seems on clothing,and I've always had a really big issue with the feeling of being sticky like my hands or just on my skin,I also have noise and touch aversion and I easily am overwhelmed when it gets too loud in a way I can't deal with,and I have specific people who I'm ok with touching me and if someone who's not those people does or it's a no touching day at all and it happens too much i also get overwhelmed and I no longer attend my music class due to being unable to participate without getting even a little overwhelmed and needing to leave and my mom eventually just had to write me a note because of that

When I say overwhelmed I've noticed what happens presents as what an autistic meltdown can look like and they can be triggered by sensory overload and how my overstimulation presents is I usually cry ad need to go get fresh air or go somewhere I can be alone or go on a walk and do breathing exercises so I can calm down

I get really burnt out in new social situations or ones I just don't like and I need a recovery time to usually be alone and be comfortable and then I can go out and do things again

I find it really hard to pay attention or remember things that don't interest me where as with things I'm even a bit interested in I can fixate on them and focus really hard on those tasks or things

Sort of related to this I also have a hard time cleaning or doing regular household tasks because I find them boring or understimulating and it feels like I have to force myself really hard to do these things unless I suddenly get a blast of productivity but that has only really happened a few times for me like two I think and otherwise it feels like I physically can't make myself go do them

I stim verbally and physically everyday usually with my fingers or just repeating words or making weird noises and I don't always relise I'm doing it

I find it hard to read people sometimes unless I really try to overanalise on purpose and I can miss social cues and I need to ask sometimes like once me and my friend were talking a little bit and she was being quiet and had previously mentioned her stomach hurt but I needed to ask if she was mad st me or I missed sometimes or if she was jut quiet becaue she didn't feel good (she just didn't feel well) and I also take things literally,like if I'm told to take my time when apparently it's just something people say to be nice but I didn't know that before so I would actually just take my time then be told that they didn't actually mean it and sarcasm often goes over my head unless it's either really obvious or spoken like sarcasm typically would otherwise if it sounds like normal and isn't plain to see its sarcasm I 10 to 1 most of the time don't get it or need to ask if I thought it might be

I'm seen as a smart kid in my class at school because I just memorize little topics that interest me (not on purpose) and it makes it seem like I just know a lot,I also have a large vocabulary because I really like writing and reading and another contributing factor to people thinking I'm smart is because I do well in subjects where we're just given reading and then answer questions about it because I just read ahead and memorize what I need for the questions and it actually really bothers me when people say this because I feel like I have a really hard time in classes that don't interest me or don't have any elements I'm good at because of that like math for example

As of right now this is all I can think of but if I remember anything else I'll add it in later,so please weigh in with any suggestions or if you think it's possible I'm neurodivergent or if these are totally normal and I'm just overthinking it too much,insight from people who have mental disabilities (especially the ones I said previously) and know it for sure would be a massive help and I hope this post reaches the right people

#autism #adhd #idk how to tag this #please help #advice #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #why am i like this #insights #asd #pls help

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adamsvanrhijn · 4 months

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So in your modern au headcanon, what would Oscar's and John's occupation, and their lifestyle in general, be? Do you think they'd just be into such different things they wouldn't be the type of a couple that does things together? I know this is a broad question, but approach as you wish.

well i certainly do not have one specific modern au headcanon but i do have lots of thoughts swirling in my brain

the thing about modern au oscar van rhijn is you need to choose your adventure. crucially you need to decide if he thinks of himself as gay and is out as gay or not. and then within that decision there are all sorts of things that can be true. and this, unfortunately for oscar, is going to define pretty much just about everything you can do with him in a modern au because of how drastically different the societal culture around gay people existing is let alone existing as a gay person. so you need to establish this about him before you do anything else.

and then the thing about modern au john adams is that he can almost juuuust about be easily transplanted, like john adams is absolutely a guy that many fandoms would eat up just slapping into a modern au and calling it good and now his life is perfect because he gets to live his gay truth and get gay married, EXCEPT

they would be wrong. because you also need to take a step back and remind yourself that if you saw someone behaving the way that john behaves with oscar at lunch in 1.08 then that would still in the year of 2024 be weird and uncomfortable.

ok? john has issues. we cannot forget his issues!

and then you also have to either decide what the deal with his background is because you need to remember that when agnes tells marian that oscar is bringing a friend over who is quincy adams's great grandson this is like, if this were happening today this is somewhat like being told you are being set up with a kennedy only the kennedys are a significantly less photogenic family. so you need to do some combination of, accept that he is not an adams in your au, or accept that the 20th century presidential line up looks a little different than the real world in your au, or accept that his family is not going to be as recently prominent in 2022 vs 1882 and make some adjustments to otherwise get the prestige/money combination correct. i usually go with the latter because i think "everyone in the country learns the name of your 8th great grandfather in grade school" is prominent enough. so that's how we'll operate for the purposes of this post.

still with me?

ok notice we have made a decision about john but not about oscar. this is because oscar in my opinion does have some universal constants i want to establish right off the bat before we get back to him being gay, not in order of importance:

meets the criteria for diagnosing an 8 year old boy with adhd as an adult man in his 30s

banker from a long line of guys who are bankers

fixated on money and social status

is not ticking all of the masculinity boxes, in conjunction with, is fashion conscious & cares about his appearance and presents himself in ways etc.

makes up things in his mind

and something that i would like to call out is that while the modern era is not the 1880s there are still industries where it makes sense to be closeted even in major metropolitan hubs and old school banking is one of them. however

ok honestly none of this is actually answering your question this is just me having autism let me actually answer your question

oscar is an old boys club banker as stated. ivy league private school upbringing

john does a prestigious white collar job that isn't real like management consulting. we're never getting information about what he does for a living but subject to change if we ever do. ivy league (harvard) private school upbringing

they are still Opposites Attracted, oscar is still guy at a party while john is reading at home not leaving the house because he would have to get a cab etc. except i think they are both rich asshole yuppies who own cars in manhattan and so john would either have to get a cab or Would Have To Drive, In New York

however when john is going to parties he and oscar are often at the same party because they get invited to the same things because they are in the same social community ie rich WASPs. they are members of the same clubs because that's a thing rich people still do. etc. like i think they are absolutely still entrenched in that community and it is their community the same as it is in canon. but unlike in canon it is much more likely that if others know you have a best friend you are obsessed with they might think you are gay, especially on top of it being much more likely that you could be known to be a gay person

so the nature of their interaction within that community vastly depends on what modern au oscar's situation is.

indeed the entirety of their relationship depends on that and it also depends on modern au john's tolerance for bullshit. like i think it is pretty high as per canon but john has significantly different options in the 2010s and 2020s than he does in the 1880s. so you need to get him to fall in love with oscar in the first place AND have oscar align with his goals for himself, which means that if oscar is closeted you need to either have, 1, john go into this not knowing oscar is closeted and he falls in love before it's too late, or, 2, john go into this not thinking that oscar is long term and he falls in love before it's too late, and/or, 3, john go into this thinking that he will be oscar's steadfast support in his journey to no longer being closeted so that they can one day get married and have ivf babies with three words in their last name because #lovewins

i don't think there's a world where gay marriage happens and being out as a gay man is a thing where john isn't out as a gay man and wanting to get married. so i really don't think the reverse, ie where oscar is out and john is not, is an option. like in the 1880s if john has a brother in politics in massachusetts or whatever and john is known to be gay that ruins the family's reputation. but in the 2020s if john has a brother in politics in massachusetts then "As the brother of a gay man" is the start of a statement said brother has on political campaign mailers next to the human rights campaign endorsement.

i think they do go to the same things though, they go to the same things in canon!! they would definitely do things together if known to be a couple. but they don't Always go to the same things, which is normal.

i totally lost the plot on this one but i think this mainly answers your question?

also oscar loves nail polish.

#modern au -/#for blacklists <3 #the gilded age tag #johnoscar tag

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intothewiiild · 7 months

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I got the results of my autism diagnostic assessment last week. Long story short, they can't disprove that I'm autistic, but they can't prove that I'm autistic either. Meaning, I've finished the diagnostic process feeling more lost than when I started. My dossier is literally full of question marks because apparently I'm that difficult to figure out. Just the other day I had a major meltdown at work because a colleague called me "rude" for misunderstanding a "simple" social interaction, but no, I'm not allowed to use the label "autistic" because my symptoms aren't bad enough.

My case was actually pretty devisive amongst the assessors I'd been assigned to. My main (woman) assessor felt like I was being let down by the framework she had to work with, but then another (male) assessor wrote in my file that "there is no evidence of autism" based on the twenty-minute conversation he had with me. He saw me smiling at him and responding to his jokes and decided I cannot possibly be autistic. (Note: I only smile at people because I know that if I don't, people will call me a rude bitch. See first paragraph. I spend every single social interaction worrying about people misunderstanding me, but nope, not autistic.)

There are a lot of things that anger me about my lack of a proper diagnosis, but the way my special interests aren't deemed "unusual" enough is probably the one that frustrates me the most.

One of the requirements you need to meet to be deemed "autistic" (at least in my country; I don't know what the process is like elsewhere) is that you need to have "very limited fixed interests that are abnormally intense or focused", and apparently I do not tick that box. Which is funny, because I am seeing Take That live seven times next year, and I'm sure that if I told my assessors I was going to visit a train festival instead, they would not hesitate to tick the appropriate box on my thirteen-page Autism Checklist. But I'm a woman, so my special interests aren't interesting enough.

(We also mentioned one of my other special interests, which is pro cycling, but apparently it doesn't count as an Autistic Special Interest unless I know all about the bikes my favourite riders use. Can you see the pattern that's emerging here?)

I also heard the usual "autistic people lack empathy" from the aforementioned male assessor. Apparently the fact that I am mindful of my students' feelings when teaching means I cannot be autistic. Which, again, is funny, because 1) teaching is what I do for a fucking living; 2) I'm a woman; and 3) I thought we'd all decided that the idea that autistic people lack empathy is a myth.

My assessor at least tried to give me some semblance of a diagnosis, but the reality is that what I've received is really not a diagnosis at all; just a confirmation that women and girls are continually being fucked over by a system that is only designed to diagnose boys.

#autism #mentions of take that #autism diagnosis

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chalupaconspiracy · 9 months

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Shouting into the void about my feelings, 2012 tumblr style

Okay SO.

yet another puzzle piece falling into place, which is ironic. My therapist and I talked about me having autism, and I think that the fact that I'm stressed because she never explicitly said "yes I think you do have it", is just another big point towards yes.

Regardless, I tick almost every single box for diagnosis.

But the sort of tragic thing is upon realizing this, my instinct was relief. Because this means I can fix it! If I can understand what's wrong with me, then maybe I can reverse engineer it.

As opposed to unmasking, basically I can just mask harder until I'm normal!

All of this I fully realize is nonsense and the shame and guilt talking but, I've tried so hard my whole life to be this specific person I want to be, and realizing that that ideal isn't real or reasonable is very upsetting to me. Even though I've been told this for years.

I've already got a billion other things up with me mentally and physically, this just somehow hits different.

#personal post #about the bee #i also have a huge headache and work didnt send me home sick even when they said they would #and i feel like im kind of losing my grip on everything work wise and otherwise #im “frustrated and sad and mad” as one of my students would say #the fun cognitive dissonance of fighting so much for the neurodivergent children at your work to be understood and loved just as they are #vs the internalized shame and selfhatred #its truly fun.#but im fine and ill get over it #vent #shit forgot to add that tag

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soundsfaebutokay · 3 years

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youtube

So I've recc'd this video before, but it deserves its own post because it's one of my favorite things on youtube. It's a Tedx Talk by comics writer, editor, and journalist Jay Edidin, and I really think that it will connect with a lot of people here.

If you live and breathe stories of all kinds, you might like this.

If you care about media representation, you might like this.

If you're neurodivergent, you might like this.

If you're interested in a gender transition story that veers from the norm, you might like this.

If you love the original Leverage and especially Parker, and understand how important it is that a character like her exists, you will definitely like this.

Transcript below the cut:

You Are Here: The Cartography of Stories

by Jay Edidin

I am autistic. And what this means in practice is that there are some things that are easier for me than they are for most people, and a great many things that are somewhat harder, and these affect my life in more or less overt ways. As it goes, I'm pretty lucky. I've been able to build a career around special interests and granular obsession. My main gig at the moment is explaining superhero comics continuity and publishing history for which work I am somehow paid in actual legal currency—which is both a triumph of the frivolous in an era of the frantically pragmatic, and a job that's really singularly suited to my strengths and also to my idiosyncrasies.

I like comics. I like stories in general, because they make sense to me in ways that the rest of the world and my own mind often don't. Self-knowledge is not an intuitive thing for me. What sense of self I have, I've built gradually and laboriously and mostly through long-term pattern recognition. For decades, I didn't even really have a self-image. If you'd asked me to draw myself, I would eventually have given you a pair of glasses and maybe a very messy scribble of hair, and that would've been about it. But what I do know—backwards, forwards, and in pretty much every way that matters—are stories. I know how they work. I understand their language, their complex inner clockwork, and I can use those things to extrapolate a sort of external compass that picks up where my internal one falls short. Stories—their forms, their structure, the sense of order inherent to them—give me the means to navigate what otherwise, at least for me, would be an impassable storm of unparsable data. Or stories are a periscope, angled to access the parts of myself I can't intuitively see. Or stories are a series of mirrors by which I can assemble a composite sketch of an identity I rarely recognize whole...which is how I worked out that I was transgender, in my early thirties, by way of a television show.

This is my story. And it's about narrative cartography, and representation, and why those things matter. It's about autism and it's about gender and it's about how they intersect. And it's about the kinds of people we know how to see, and the kinds of people we don't. It's not the kind of story that gets told a lot, you might hear a lot, because the narrative around gender transition and dysphoria in our culture is really, really prescriptive. It's basically the story of the kid who has known for their whole life that they're this and not that, and that story demands the kind of intuitive self-knowledge that I can't really do, and a kind of relationship to gender that I don't really have—which is part of why it took me so long to figure my own stuff out.

So, to what extent this story, my story has a beginning, it begins early in 2014 when I published an essay titled, "I See Your Value Now: Asperger's and the Art of Allegory." And it explored, among other things, the ways that I use narrative and narrative structures to navigate real life. And it got picked up in a number of fairly prominent places that got linked, and I casually followed the ensuing discussion. And I was surprised to discover that readers were fairly consistently assuming I was a man. Now, that in itself wasn't a new experience for me, even though at the time I was writing under a very unambiguously female byline. It had happened in the letter columns of comics I'd edited. It had happened when a parody Twitter account I'd created went viral. When I was on staff at Wired, I budgeted for fancy scotch by putting a dollar in a box every time a reader responded in a way that made it clear they were assuming I was a man in response to an article where my name was clearly visible, and then I had to stop doing that because it happened so often I couldn't afford to keep it up. But in all of those cases, the context, you know, the reasons were pretty obvious. The fields I'd worked in, the beats I covered, they were places where women had had to fight disproportionally hard for visibility and recognition. We live in a culture that assumes a male default, so given a neutral voice and a character limit, most readers will assume a male author.

But this was different, because this wasn't just a book I'd edited, it wasn't a story I'd reported—it was me, it was my story. And it made me uncomfortable, got under my skin in ways that the other stuff really hadn't. And so I did what I do when that happens, and I tried to sort of reverse-engineer it to look at the conclusions and peel them back to see the narratives behind them and the stories that made them tick. And I started this, I started this by going back to the text of the essay, and you know, examining it every way I could think of: looking at craft, looking at content. And in doing so, I was surprised to realize that while I had written about a number of characters with whom I identified closely, that every single one of those characters I'd written about was male. And that surprised me even more than the responses to the essay had, because I've spent my career writing and talking and thinking about gender and representation in popular media. In 2014, I'd been the feminist gadfly of an editorial department and multiple mastheads. I'd been a founding board member of an organization that existed to advocate for more and better representation of women and girls in comics characters and creators. And most of my favorite characters, the ones I'd actively seek out and follow, were women. Just not, apparently, the characters I saw myself in.

Now I still didn't realize it was me at this point. Remember: self-knowledge, not very intuitive for me. And while I had spent a lot of time thinking about gender, I'd never really bothered to think much about my own. I knew academically that the way other people read and interpreted my gender affected and had influenced a lifetime of social and professional interactions, and that those in turn had informed the person I'd grown up into during that time. But I really believed, like I just sort of had in the back of my head, that if you peeled away all of that social conditioning, you'd basically end up with what I got when I tried to draw a self-portrait. So: a pair of glasses, messy scribble of hair, and in this case, maybe also some very strong opinions about the X-Men. I mean, I knew something was off. I'd always known something was off, that my relationship to gender was messy and uncomfortable, but gender itself struck me as messy and uncomfortable, and it had never been a large enough part of how I defined myself to really feel like something that merited further study, and I had deadlines, and...so it was always on the back burner. So, I looked, I looked at what I had, at this improbable group of exclusively male characters. And I looked and I figured that if this wasn't me, then it had to be a result of the stories I had access to, to choose from, and the entertainment landscape I was looking at. And the funny thing is, I wasn't wrong, exactly. I just wasn't right either.

See, the characters I'd written about had one other significant trait in common aside from their gender, which is that they were all more or less explicitly, more or less heavily coded as autistic. And I thought, "Ah, yes. This explains it. This is under representation in fiction echoing under representation in life and vice versa." Because the characteristics that I'd honed in on, that I particularly identified with in these guys, were things like emotional unavailability and social awkwardness and granular obsession, and all of those are characteristics that are seen as unsympathetic and therefore unmarketable in female characters. Which is also why readers were assuming that I was a man.

Because, you see, here's the thing. I'm not the only one who uses stories to navigate the world. I'm just a little more deliberate about it. For humans, stories formed the bridge between data and understanding. They're where we look when we need to contextualize something new, or to recognize something we're pretty sure we've seen before. They're how we identify ourselves; they're how we locate ourselves and each other in the larger world. There were no fictional women like me; there weren't representations of women like me in media, and so readers were primed not to recognize women like me in real life either.

Now by this point, I had started writing a follow-up essay, and this one was also about autism and narratives, but specifically focused on how they intersected with gender and representation in media. And in context of this essay, I went about looking to see if I could find even one female character who had that cluster of traits I'd been looking for, and I was asking around in autistic communities. And I got a few more or less useful one-off suggestions, and some really, really splendid arguments about semantics and standards, and um...then I got one answer over and over and over in community after community after community. "Leverage," people told me. "You have to watch Leverage."

So I watched Leverage. Leverage is five seasons of ensemble heist drama. It's about a team of very skilled con artists who take down corrupt and powerful plutocrats and the like, and it's a lot of fun, and it's very clever, and it's clever enough that it doesn't really matter that it's pretty formulaic, and I enjoyed it a lot. But what's most important, what Leverage has is Parker.

Parker is a master thief, and she is the best of the best of the best in ways that all of Leverage's characters are the best of the best. And superficially, she looks like the kind of woman you see on TV. So she's young, and she's slender, and she's blonde, and she's attractive but in a sort of approachable way. And all of that familiarity is brilliant misdirection, because the thing is, there are no other women like Parker on TV. Because Parker—even if it's never explicitly stated in the show—Parker is coded incredibly clearly as autistic. Parker is socially awkward. Her speech tends to have limited inflection; what inflection it does have is repetitive and sounds rehearsed a lot of the time. She's not emotionally literate; she struggles with it, and the social skills she develops over the series, she learns by rote, like they're just another grift. When she's not scaling skyscrapers or cartwheeling through laser grids, she wears her body like an ill-fitting suit. Parker moves like me. And Parker, Parker was a revelation—she was a revolution unto herself. In a media landscape where unempathetic women usually exist to either be punished or "loved whole," Parker got to play the crabby savant. And she wasn't emotionally intuitive but it was never ever played as the product of abuse or trauma even though she had survived both of those—it was just part of her, as much as were her hands or her eyes. And she had a genuine character arc. My god, she had a genuine romantic arc, even. And none of that required her to turn into anything other than what she was. And in Parker I recognized a thousand tics and details of my life and my personality...but. I didn't recognize myself.

Why? What difference was there in Parker, you know, between Parker and the other characters I'd written about? Those characters, they'd spanned ethnicities and backgrounds and different media and appearances and the only other characteristic they all had in common was their gender. So that was where I started to look next, and I thought, "Well, okay, maybe, maybe it's masculinity. Maybe if Parker were less feminine, she'd click with me the way those other characters had." So then I tried to imagine a Parker with short hair, who's explicitly butch, and...nothing. So okay, I extended it in what seems like the only logical direction to extend it. I said, "Well, if it's not masculinity, what if it's actual maleness? What if Parker were a man?" Ah. Yeah.

In the end, everything changed, and nothing changed, which is often the way that it goes for me. Add a landmark, no matter how slight, and the map is irrevocably altered. Add a landmark, and paths that were invisible before open wide. Add a landmark, and you may not have moved, but suddenly you know where you are and where you can go.

I wasn't going to tell this story when I started planning this talk. I was gonna tell a similar story, it was about stories, like this is, about narratives and the ways that they influence our culture and vice versa. And it centered around a group of women at NASA who had basically rewritten the narrative around space exploration, and it was a lot more fun, and I still think it was more interesting. But it's also a story you can probably work out for yourselves. In fact it's a story some of you probably have, if you follow that kind of thing, which you probably do given that you're here. And this is a story, my story is not a story that I like to tell. It's not a fun story to talk about because it's very personal and I am a very private person. And it's not universal. And it's not always relatable, and it's definitely not aspirational. And it's not the kind of story that you tend to encounter unless you're already part of it...which is why I'm telling it now. Because the thing is, I'm not the only person who uses stories to parse the world and navigate it. I'm just a little more deliberate. Because I'm tired of having to rely on composite sketches.

Open your maps. Add a landmark. Reroute accordingly.

#Jay Edidin #LGBTQ #autism #mind and body #gender norms #why humans need stories #Leverage #Parker #Abby posts Leverage #my faves #Youtube #I did my best with the transcript #sorry for any mistakes

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sterling-starlight · 3 years

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Okay get comfy kids. I have a lot of Feelings (tm) about how Ingo is portrayed in Masters. So keep in mind that I’m not an expert on neurodevelopmental disorders, I’m just one of the people who was diagnosed with one. So this is coming entirely from my perspective as someone who was diagnosed with AS (asperger syndrome). Autism is a spectrum and no two cases are identical so this is less an accurate diagnosis and what I’ve noticed.

One thing that stood out to me in his A Day With episode is that he seems to have somewhat of a hard time controlling the volume of his voice when excited (”BRAVO!! “ASTOUNDING!!”) Which is something my family has told me I have trouble with, too. According to Healthline’s page on autism in adults, voice modulation is a symptom. So there’s a box ticked right off the bat. And let’s take a look at Ingo and Emmet’s dialogue

Ingo

Emmet

There’s also their voiced lines:

“My apologies” vs “I’m sorry.” “Much obliged.” vs “Thank you”. “I must refuse” vs “No thank you”. Ingo is noticeably more formal -even stilted- when played back-to-back with Emmet, but that’s another sign of autism. Some of us have more “eloquent” ways of speaking, or an advanced vocabulary. Ingo is more verbose, Emmet is more clipped. These are both ways that autistics can talk, and I find myself fluctuating between both all the time.

(Also I feel like he messes with his hat more often than Emmet does? Someone correct me if I’m wrong. But if he does, that can be read as him stimming with his clothes.)

Ingo also mentions trains and various modes of rail transit more than Emmet does. The boy loves his metaphors about trains and tracks and even the various battle facilities and why they were built the way they were. Things make sense when he applies them to trains and railroads. He also describes feeling lonely without a train system on Pasio the same way an autistic person would describe being without their comfort item.

He legit starts gushing about trains in other regions out of nowhere because the PC will listen. I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of times I’ve found a hyper fixation and started gushing about it to the first person who would listen. It’s super relatable. “I’d love to show them all to you” is a one-to-one comparison to my “Let’s watch this thing I love!”

There’s also this line of dialogue:

Which hit me right in the honey-nut feelios. A lot of people on the spectrum, myself included, have trouble with... emoting the “right” way when we talk. I’ve been accused of being stoic, aloof, and distant by my own family members because I just... can’t do facial expressions or emotional inflections the right way. And it clearly *bothers* him since he’s surrounded by all these people who are bright and expressive and energetic (which again, is such a mood. I can tell you from personal experience it’s like being in a glass box).

His voiced lines as surprisingly upbeat and lively, but that reads to me as as a “customer service” vooce. He works in a high-energy environment where he has to be heard over the subway and the sounds of battle. So as sad as it is, him having a smooth baritone doesn’t really fit (restoroni in pepperoni Japanese anime special voice). I’d bet monopoly money that he tones it way the fuck down when he’s alone or with people he trusts (*cough*Hilda*cough*).

In fact his voice lines here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRW9ORkJRUk&t=83s from 1:23 are considerably less “GO GO GO” than his battle voice lines. (Unrelated but “You’re not going to miss the last train, are you? Please, make sure you get home safe.” Makes me so fucking soft jkshfkdsghd) Also, throat clearing? Humming? That’s him vocal stimming, my friends. I do it all the time when I’m by myself somewhere quiet.

So to answer the question: He’s definitely somewhere on the spectrum and I’m love him.

#Pokemon Masters #Subway Boss Ingo #Subway Master Ingo

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k-k-keroppi · 3 years

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How I got diagnosed

When I was in the various waiting periods for my diagnosis procedure, I tried to hard to find an account of what was actually going to happen, what stages there were, anything to make the situation clearer, and I couldn’t find anything. I am since diagnosed, and so am writing down everything that happened to help other people who are frustrated by the lack of information. This is for england, and this link is also very helpful for more professional information, it’s an interactive flowchart for the NICE guidelines. Anyway, on with it.

First, I want to say don’t be discouraged about the time periods. It took me two years to be diagnosed, but I had a series of circumstances that led to it being that long, covid being one. So, I first had my appointment with my GP on the 5th march 2019, when I was 15. I went with my mum, and the doctor asked some questions about how I was generally, I don’t completely remember. I blocked a lot of it out, because it was really stressful, and my doctor wasn’t really making sense, but that was just a him thing. He agreed that I needed a referal at the end of the session, which was really lucky, and so that was where it started. On the 21st of august 2019, I recieved a letter from the NHS telling us that we had to do an evidence based program through my school. #

Since my referal was through my school, my pastoral team were technically involved. What actually happened was that in (possibly) december/january, my mother had a meeting with one member of the pastoral team, and that was it. My mother was instructed to complete an online parenting course to make sure she understood how to properly look after me, and the referal process couldn’t properly start until she had done that. It was emailed to her, and she completed it on the 22nd of february 2020. In march 2020, england obviously went into lockdown and both my school and the referal offices weren’t active, so the process halted again. We got a letter all referal services had been paused, and we could email them again once three-four months had passed.

In August 2020, we emailed them again, and the referal started again. I’m sorry I can’t remember exactly what happened then, but this was the worst period of waiting. Me and my mother think that, because of the backlog they presumable had, they forgot about me. On the eighteenth of february 2021, six months after my referal resumed, I recieved a letter with a series of surveys in it. There was an extensive one for my parents to fill in, and there was one for me to fill in. It asked questions like how I felt I interacted with people, had I ever done xyz before, and I ticked a box out of strongly agree to strongly disagree. My parents survey asked similar questions, but also included questions about my habits as a baby or a young child, whether I had ever slf hrmed, how they percieved my behaviours, and things like that. I wasn’t in the room when they filled it out.

We sent it back to them filled out the next day, and on the 14th of april 2021 i got an appointment for an observational assessment. The observation was on the 5th of may 2021, and included me and my mother. I was taken into the walk in center and my and my mum sat in a room with a one way mirror, where the nurse who led us in was sitting. There was a table with some activities on it, and I was told to sit on a specific side of the table. First we had to play snap. There was only one snap in the pack, which my mum won. The nurse would knock on the glass when she wanted us to move on, and we would have to stop what we were doing even if we weren’t done and move on to the next one.

The next activity was a plastic jenga tower. When each person took a jenga piece the person had to ask a question from a set list of questions they had on cards, and both people had to answer. Some of the questions were things like ‘have you ever saved money for something you wanted’ ‘what makes you angry’ ‘what makes you sad’ ‘what do you enjoy doing with friends’ and other things like that.

The next activity was conversation again, but only my mum had instructions. She was told to engage me in conversation about anything, and it specified that she could ask me about something I liked. I talked about the magnus archives, and the woman knocked on the glass before I could finish talking and I had to stop, which I did. I don’t know what would happen if you chose not to.

The final activity was similar to the jenga game, where we both had conversation cards. There was a metal pole hanging from a a frame, a bot like a bigger desk toy, and we had to balance other metal poles on t without it tipping, so we had to work together. My mum had more conversation cards to ask me, similar to the jenga ones. At the end, she had to engage me in two way conversation, rather than asking me about my special interest, and then the nurse came in and led us out. The nurse was really lovely, very smiley even though I kept saying how condescending I found everything during the observation.

On the tenth of may 2021, my mum and dad had a virtual meeting to talk to a different nurses about me. The meeting was meant to last two hours, and ended up lasting four and a half. They were asked about the family’s history of autism, my traits as a child, my traits now, going very in depth about my behaviours. I obviously wasn’t there, so I cant say with clarity what happened then.

It was mentioned that there would be a virtual feedback meeting to talk about the results of the assessment, but that never happened. What did happen was a phone call on the 24th of may 2021, confirming that I had been diagnosed. A report explaining my traits, and the results of the assessment was said to have been posted to me, but I haven’t received it yet, The report will allow me to send to information to my teachers and receive help from my school.

So there you go, i don’t know how helpful that was but I remember the lack of information and I wanted to add mine to the fix, so heres a full post about the two years it took me. :)

#actuallyautistic #autism #asd #asd diagnosis #autism diagnosis #self diagnosed autism #self dx #self diagnosis #diagnoses #autistic #camhs #nhs #nhs mental health #neurodivergent #neurodivergency

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punksarahreese · 3 years

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Coming Out | Sarah Reese

Prompt #1 from Nova’s pride 2021 list

Word count: 2224

***

Sarah always felt like maybe she just wasn’t right. There must be something wrong because she never seemed to fit in. With her absent mother and her father who left as soon as he had the chance, she somehow felt alienated in her own home. Back in public school she never had many friends and always spent her free time with her nose in a book. Popular girls turned their nose up at her comfy clothes and unruly curls, claiming she didn’t put enough effort into her look. As she grew up, her social skills never really felt like they improved, instead Sarah would just mirror the actions of those around her in hopes that they would accept it. Yet she still went through high school being called a freak and being called out for “copying” everyone. It never made sense to Sarah, how people could make friends and converse so easily. She felt like she would sound so cliche whenever she thought about it, stating that she never fit in with the other girls, but it was true.

Sarah knew about her bisexuality from a young age, that was no secret to her. She read the term in a mental health book of all places, while she was hidden in a nook of the middle school library. It was common sense to her, of course she liked more than one gender; who didn’t? She would come to learn that sexuality was a bit more complex than that, though it would take a bit more research. It felt so black and white in Sarah’s mind but a lot of people didn’t agree with it, so she let her sexuality remain a secret for a while.

Still, she had her fair share of crushes on girls and boys in almost every stage of her life. One casual girlfriend in her undergraduate program was still the only real experience Sarah had though; until Joey at least. Neither relationship went very far, either due to Sarah’s confusion with all things social or the lack of spark there. She was so busy with school and work, and her partners in both situations just didn’t feel a connection after some time. Joey was an odd one in particular and Sarah wasn’t sure if it had been more of a him thing or her inexperience that ended it. It was weird and the end didn’t hurt as much as it maybe should have.

Her autism diagnosis was not a shock to her, though it had been to her mom. The week of her 16th birthday, Sarah had made a doctor's appointment and asked to be screened. It was the first time she could make medical decisions on her own and she wanted to know already, even though deep down she had a logical hunch. Years of research and even self-screening through countless medical journals had told Sarah she was probably autistic, so she wasn’t too surprised when she got an official diagnosis less than two years later. It was sensical to her really, the way she thought and felt and acted was so different to everyone else, and an actual label made her feel so seen. This was part of why she didn’t fit in, it wasn’t her fault it was the inaccessibility of normal life that made things so much harder. Her mother didn’t agree, she hated the idea of having a neurodivergent daughter; though she would never say it. Instead any mention of autism was ignored and Sarah’s needs were not accommodated until the day she moved out. It was how life at home had always been, as unfortunate as it happened to be.

There was something else Sarah should have seen coming, with her knowledge that she wasn’t the same as everyone else. Autism often came with a disconnect between the definition of gender and one’s identity and Sarah was no exception, since social constructs almost always went over Sarah’s head. She never felt right calling herself a girl and her brain always had a half second protest whenever she ticked the “female” box on any form. Still, she tried not to think about it too much. She didn’t feel like a boy either, she knew that for certain, so that was that.

It was, in fact, not that. As she got older and the internet queer community expanded, Sarah was exposed to more research and experiences of others in her shoes. Genders outside the binary existed, it was made clear to her, and pronouns were not restricted to those assigned at birth. It was a whole new realm of possibility and it scared Sarah more than she was happy to admit. She wasn’t a girl and she knew it, yet she also wasn’t not a girl. It was so confusing, which is why the thought was almost always pushed to the back of the mind, hidden away to worry about another day.

Curiosity got the better of her one day, though, after reading a forum about neopronouns. Someone was talking about their experience using she/they pronouns, stating that it helped them relate to her identity way more than birth assigned pronouns ever had alone. The poster had noted that they always felt detached from femininity and it was almost as if they were culturally female yet mentally out of the binary. It was that comparison that clicked with Sarah and she couldn’t stop herself from testing the theory.

“Sarah uses she/they pronouns,” she stated tentatively, “Their name is Sarah and she uses she/they pronouns…”

The instant gratification shocked her a bit, unsure of why it felt so right to say such a sentence. A few minutes passed as she sat in silence in front of the laptop, mulling it over. Something about the dual pronouns felt freeing, the idea of not being bound to just the ones she was so used to using. Maybe it would be okay to try them out for a while… just to see if it stuck and still felt as validating as it did alone in her living room.

Telling someone was the next step, though, to see if they were actually comfortable with these pronouns being used about her. Sarah was apprehensive, it would be scary to ask someone to use something different, especially after all these years at Med. Still, she had no reason to fear her friends and colleagues, they should be able to accept Sarah’s wishes.

It took a couple weeks before they were ready to bring it up, after a lot more self reflection and some serious deliberation. She thought this felt right, using new pronouns like this. They weren’t too sure if non-binary was the right label for her, but it didn’t matter in that moment. One step at a time was enough and really there was all the time in the world. So one day while a group of them were at April’s apartment for dinner, Sarah decided to speak up during a lull in conversation.

“Um… Can I ask you all something?”

Eyes were on them in a second, with a chorus of nods and agreement following almost immediately. She trusted everyone there, it was only April, Noah, Natalie, and Connor. Connor had brought Doctor Bekker too but Ava had always been nice enough to Sarah so she wasn’t worried. Besides, the rumour was that Ava wasn’t straight, if Sarah chose to listen to gossip, so she of all people should understand.

“What’s up, Sarah?”

Smiling shyly at Noah, who had looked at her curiously when he spoke, they nodded slowly before starting, “Uh… well I have done a lot of thinking lately… I want to try using she/they pronouns. So I want to ask you all to use both sets of pronouns for me.”

The silence scared her at first, instant regret setting in. Sarah wasn’t sure if that was bad or not, especially with the confusion on Nat’s face. Surprisingly enough it was Ava who broke the silence and Sarah caught the sharp nudge to Connor’s ribs that the surgeon gave before speaking.

“Okay, will do. Thank you for trusting us with that, Sarah, especially me since I know we don’t speak often.”

It was the nonchalant words from the blonde that helped them relax a bit, looking at Ava in silent thanks. She glanced at the rest of them shyly, hoping the worry knitting her brow together wasn’t too apparent.

“Um,” Natalie’s interjection was the most feared, though Sarah hated to admit it. It’s not that Nat couldn’t be trusted, she was just a little new to things out of the cisgendered-heteronormative binary and it made Sarah worried she wouldn’t be immediately accepting.

“What exactly does that mean?”

Sarah stifled a sigh of relief, an explanation was understandable and not the worst answer, “So basically I am comfortable with both she/her pronouns like you use but also they/them pronouns in the singular sense. With me you can use them interchangeably, I just like both as opposed to just she/her. I don’t... completely identify as female, I guess you could say.”

“Oh!” Noah nodded, “Like ‘Sarah said she was going to the lab, they will be back soon’?”

Sarah smiled at his excitement to understand, “Exactly like that.”

“It might be hard to adjust at first…”

“But we will still try,” April added to Natalie’s words with a pointed look, “Thank you for telling us, Sarah. We will do whatever you need to feel comfortable.”

“Reese?” When Sarah looked across the table at Connor he continued, “These two sets of pronouns, do you want us to use both at the hospital or just the ones everyone knows you as?”

“Oh yeah,” Ava agreed, “Don’t want to out the resident before they’re comfortable.”

Hearing someone else use “they” while referring to Sarah made them inexplicably happy, unable to stop the little happy hand flap she often tried to mask as she looked at Ava again. The surgeon seemed to notice the grateful glance and she nodded, a charming smile on her lips. Somehow it helped that Ava wasn’t close to her, maybe because her quick acceptance made the whole situation feel safer.

“Um, maybe just keep it between all of us at first,” Sarah answered slowly, “I’m gonna tell Maggie and Doctor Charles eventually, Ethan and Will too, but I want to give it some time before everyone else knows.”

“Got it,” Connor agreed and raised the glass of whatever alcohol he had brought with him, “Cheers to Reese’s self discovery, then.”

That made quite a few of them laugh, especially Sarah, because it eased the tension. It was still a bit weird for them, she knew that it would be an adjustment, yet no one had stormed out or gotten upset so it was a win in their book. It might take some more explanation for some time and some gentle correction, from what she knew, but it was a good start. When the conversation drifted back to lighter matters, talk of work and jokes about other things, it felt like a weight had been lifted off Sarah’s shoulders. It wasn’t perfect but they felt accepted for the most part, which helped.

When April hugged them before everyone left for home, Sarah just thanked her quietly. It went without saying that arguably her closest work friend accepted them wholeheartedly and they would probably talk about it again one on one. April just hugged Sarah a bit tighter, a reassuring murmur that things would be just fine reaching Sarah’s ears.

It was a clear night when they stepped out of the apartment complex, stopping to admire the stars for a moment before heading to her car. A call of her name had Sarah turning, though, and a familiar blonde was hurrying to catch up with her.

“Sarah, hey,” Ava’s friendly smile was visible thanks to the street lights, “I just wanted to tell you I’m proud of you for doing that. I don’t know if anyone has said it to you but I know how hard coming out can be, even as an adult. If you ever need to talk to anyone, I’m around, okay?”

“I-” Sarah felt her cheeks redden a little and they were grateful for the dim lighting that may have hid it a bit, “Thank you, doctor Bekker, that means a lot.”

“Please, call me Ava,” she laughed a little before glancing behind them, “I need to drive Connor home before he tries to walk, I’ll see you at work maybe?”

Sarah pursed their lips, stifling a laugh herself as she watched the other surgeon, clearly more than tipsy, hovering behind them looking lost, “See you then.”

“We can maybe get coffee some day,” Ava added nonchalantly as she turned to walk away, “Bye, Sarah.”

Sarah was left hovering by her car, the blush having returned to settle on her face. Once again their social skills evaded them, wondering if that was an allusion to a date or if Ava was simply being friendly. Either way, the immediate acceptance and friendly gesture from the supposedly cold and competitive surgeon was enough to make her giddy, shocked with how easily things went over. Not only did Sarah successfully come out to half her friends, but they may have made a new one in the process. It wouldn’t always be easy, she knew that, yet this was a situation that they decided to count as a good experience; all things considered.

It made her feel like maybe there had never been anything wrong with them at all. They were Sarah, that’s all, and in that moment maybe she was more than enough for the right people.

#am i projecting?#i guess we’ll never know #:]#anyway #I wasn’t going to make reesker happen but my little gay brain said it’s pride month #<3 #the pronoun thing was hard because I wanted to use she/they from the start but that would have spoiled the build up #i hope i did this justice #she/they sarah rights babey #sarah reese #this is so bad and so unedited <3 #but it’s also the most I’ve written in weeks

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what-even-is-thiss · 5 years

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I need to rant.

The thing about being aromantic, asexual, or on the spectrums that a lot of people don’t seem to get is that compulsory sexuality exists.

Not just compulsory heterosexuality. Compulsory sexuality. Period. The idea that every person on the planet feels some kind of sexual and romantic attraction.

I grew up watching media, same as all of you, and how are people that are interested in purely sexual relationships depicted? As cold people. As cheaters. Usually it’s a straight man looking to use women. His character development almost always includes settling down. And people that don’t experience sexual attraction? Characters like Data from Star Trek or Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. Androids and characters coded as having a very specific type of autism. And even they have sexuality forced upon them by the writers at least once. With Data it happens in the second episode.

And then we try to explain this to people. Why we hurt ourselves and put ourselves in dangerous and uncomfortable situations trying to fix ourselves. Make ourselves feel sexual and/or romantic attraction. We bring up the bullying we endured. The things our therapists tried to fix about us. We talk about our trauma related to compulsory sexuality and you all just don’t hear us.

I’m so tired of it. I’ve been fighting the fight to be seen since I was fourteen! I’ve given talks in GSAs. I’ve written essays to educate. I’ve comforted other asexual people on the internet and irl. I’ve scraped and grabbed for community. I’ve done my very best to fight to be seen. I’ve healed from the trauma I put myself through in trying to fix myself. I’ve realized that I don’t need to be fixed. I’ve been as goddamned involved as an asexual person can be with the resources we have. I may be young but I have been fighting longer than most and I am so protective of the people just realizing that they’re aro or ace or demi or anything else. No matter how much older or younger they are than me.

And then some people on the internet decide that they get to undo everything I and so many other asexual and aromantic people have done. They get to decide that their trauma is more real than mine. They get to push me and my brothers and sisters and siblings out the door because they don’t see invisibility as oppression. They’ve held up their little sign that says “must be this oppressed to enter” and then held it up higher so that we didn’t fit.

Some of them told me “oh you can come in because you tick these boxes but that other box doesn’t count”

No. That box definitely counts. That box is just as much a part of me as any of the others and it is the one I have fought for the longest. Our community won’t be made invisible again. Invisibility is crushing. It is suffocating. Abuse and hatred of all kinds thrive in silence.

I feel alone sometimes. Like I am the only soldier holding a banner in front of a stone wall. But I am not alone, and you aren’t either. I’m tired of being casual. I’m tired of being seen as a rarity. A novelty. An android. A nuisance. I am none of these things. I, like every other arospec or aspec person, am a friend of dragons. Something that was hidden for so long, protecting itself and what it loves, but has the ability to be loud, dangerous, firey.

Asexual and aromantic people have been polite. Quiet. Because that’s what we feel we have to be. We can’t protest by kissing someone in front of a picket line. What can we do then? Talk. Write. Wear our colors. If we have to keep being polite and quiet about it, fine. That’s how we do. But let’s not be invisible. I will continue to let everyone that knows me understand under no uncertain terms that I am asexual. I will point to our aromantic siblings, sisters, brothers. I will tell you to look at them. Look at us. We exist. We are wonderful. We belong. In queer spaces, in the media, in the public eye.

If you are aro or ace people will tell you that they don’t care. They will ask why they need to know. But being yourself is a radical act. I know it is. We are often polite in this community. We don’t rally. We don’t look to change the world. We don’t depict ourselves as radical or challenging the establishment, but we are. We are. We have been from the moment we realized we exist. Our history is small. We are creating the early stages of it as we speak, but it is still rich. It is still beautiful. Even if we are spread out, I love this community so deeply. So completely. I probably won’t ever be a leader in this community or any other one. That’s not where my talents lie. But I will continue to push for us to be seen. I will write literature for us. I will talk. I will be as visible as someone like me can be. I will fight to make the words ace and aro and demi and grey just as well known as gay, ace, lesbian, bi, trans.

And there are so many of us out there doing the same. We are not alone. We have never been alone. And these people trying to make us alone won’t succeed. I know this. I feel it in my gut.

Thanks for listening to me rant.

#ace stuff #rambling #ok to reblog #ace #aro stuff #aro #aspec #arospec #asexual #aromantic

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fidgetwitch · 4 years

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So, basically everything I read about autism in adults, and autism in people who "internalize" it really resonates with me... Like, every social media post, and every video made by autistic people I'm like "hello! That's me! "

BUT one thing that keeps coming up as a "sign you have autism" Is the whole "you notice small details other people don't... Like a slightly different haircut etc etc"

Meanwhile I'm here like. Just existing. Not noticing shit. I definitely have a sensory processing disorder, but not one that helps me to notice stuff? Just most sounds, fabrics, and lights are extremely gross or painful in some way.

I tick all the boxes for innattentive type ADHD, but this is the only reason I haven't told anyone irl that I think maybe I'm maybe autistic too :/

#adhd #autism #neurodivergent #personal #also pretty sure i have cptsd #and dyspraxia #maybe pure ocd #a generalized anxiety disorder #and depression

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imagineredwood · 4 years

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Request: Imagine the Sons learn that a new patch is on the Autism Spectrum.

Pairing: Sons x Male reader (platonic)

Warnings/author’s note: I sat on this request forever. I tried to keep it relatively simple because those who are on the Spectrum can be so different and never fit a mold and I worried it would be easy to accidentally go off in a direction not where the reader actually was. I never got specifics from the person who requested so I used my own judgment and figured that he would likely have less severe manifestations that would be clear as to what he has or would’ve possibly prevented him from being patched in in the first place. I’ve dealt with people on the spectrum that you don’t know until they tell you and then there’s my cousin who basically ticks every box of what society sees as a stereotypical autistic person down to the hand/arm flailing. So I tried to make this one with a common manifestation in hopes that it was more inclusive.

Huge thanks to the precious @breanime who gave me the plot for this because I really was struggling with this one. Thanks again mama ❤️

Word count:1.4k

“Alright. If we’re all in agreement, let's get this shit on the road.”

Jax grabbed the gavel and raised it up, your shoulders quickly tensing in anticipation as the hammer was held high. Jax began to bring it down and as much as you tried to prepare for it, tried to control your face and not let the discomfort show, it was to no avail. As the harsh hit sounded, you flinched as if you hadn’t been ready for it. You recovered quickly, clearing your throat and trying to shake it off, your eyes catching Juice and Chibs from across the table. Chibs looked away back to the president but Juice stayed. His eyes were on you, a curious look on his face that was quickly erased and replaced with a smile once he saw you looking at him. You returned the smile, Juice being one of the Sons you were closer to.

Even if he didn’t know about your disorder, you had always been able to relate with him more. You knew about his OCD, pretty much everyone in the club did. It was just a part of who he and it was never a topic for discussion. It was just an aspect of a member that made him a little different than everyone else. It wasn’t seen as a bad thing and you could only hope that when you finally came out and told them you were on the spectrum, they would view it and you the same. You were a good Son and had earned your patch just like anyone else. You had overcome cleaning toilets and kitchens, doing grunt work while everyone else got to enjoy their time. You had overcome that all and had earned your patch. Now the last hurdle was overcoming that godforsaken gavel and the hellish noise that came with it.

Everyone scooted back their chairs and stood from the table, starting to file out of the chapel and back into the main area of the clubhouse. Juice came up behind you and clapped you on the back, tossing an arm around your shoulders. Even if Jax was your sponsor, Juice was the one that had made you feel like a brother before everyone else.

“How you doing man? You good?”

You grinned and nodded, throwing your own arm around him.

“Good as ever, brother.”

Juice nodded once again and patted your back twice before pulling away.

“Jax said he wants you to ride down to Lodi with him and Chibs.”

“Got it.”

You nodded in acknowledgment and started to head out of the clubhouse. Chibs and Juice walked slowly, purposefully falling behind so that they could speak. Once they know you were far enough out of earshot, Juice spoke.

“Did you see it?”

The older Son nodding and looking over at Juice.

“Aye. He hates that gavel like Tiggy hates dolls.”

Juice nodded, happy that Chibs had paid attention like he had asked. Juice had noticed two weeks ago about your aversion to the gavel slamming but he knew that no one else had. Ever the observer, Juice had made it a point to pay even closer attention after and had verified that the sound of the gavel was something that got under the new patched skin like nothing else. There was such discomfort in his face for that split second after that it almost appeared like he was in physical pain. Juice had asked Chibs to pay attention in church next time and now he had seen it too.

“The lad looks like he wishes he could just up and leave the chapel. Maybe he’s got PTSD or something and those noises get under his skin.”

Chibs and Juice continued to walk, getting closer to their bikes and Chibs pushed his shoulder into Juice’s.

“I’ll talk to Jackie boy, see if I can get him to ease up on the gavel. Lord knows that shite gives me a headache as it is.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Later that day, Chibs had spoken to Jax as he’s said he would and run their observations by the Pres. As the week went on, Jax had remembered to bring it down much more softly. It wasn’t nearly as loud as it usually was, but Jax had made it a point to watch and sure enough, even with the much lighter approach you still flinched. Afterward, both Chibs and Juice had agreed that it had been much less intense, the look of panic not as pronounced. Jax took note and the next time they’d had church, he had basically tapped the stand as if he was just trying to squish an ant. The truth was, it was more the motion and action of bringing down the gavel that held the importance, not the loudness. Jax was much gentler and he kept watch that time, pleased that there was only the tiniest squint of your eyes. Practically unnoticeable unless you were looking for it. You caught his eyes, realizing what he was doing and gave a half-smile, the President returning it.

As time went on, the Sons made it a point to change what they could. They adjusted as necessary so that there wasn’t as much sensory input. Unnecessary slamming of doors stopped, the strobe light in the corner that they sometimes put on during parties was taken to storage, and they were careful to step in whenever too many people wanted to approach you and talk at once. They did what they could to help you, never once showing any irritation and never asking you about why you reacted to things the way that you did. They simply adjusted to make sure that their new brother was comfortable and comfortable you were. You hadn’t experienced any sensory overload the entire month and with the reminder about church tonight, you had pulled Jax to the side and asked if you could speak to everyone once church was over. Jax had agreed and now here you were, sitting in your chair at the table.

“Now before we wrap up, our newest member has something he wants to say.”

Their eyes all turned to you and suddenly you wondered if this was a bad idea. You hadn’t accounted for how it would feel being the complete center of attention and you stumbled.

“Uh, yeah. I uh…I just wanted to,”

You swallowed and looked to Juice who gave you a strong nod and smile. He didn’t know what it was that you were going to say but he offered you strength anyway and you took it.

“I assume you all have talked to each other about how I don’t like loud sudden noises. I can tell that you’ve all tried to bring it to a minimum.”

The members around the table all nodded, no judgment on their faces, simply curiosity.

“I appreciate it. I do, really. Loud noises and light changes just mess with me and I know that you guys have gotten a handle on it for me, but you don’t really know why.”

You looked around and your eyes landed on Jax who had his brows furrowed, equally as curious about what you were going to say as any of his other men sitting around him.

“You can tell us.”

You gave a nod and figured it would be easier to just get it out rather than continuing your preamble.

“I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. It’s a developmental thing. I won’t get all into it but that’s why I can’t stand sudden changes in my senses. It just throws me off. But that’s why. Its…it’s the Autism.”

All the Sons at the table nodded, looks of understanding on their faces now as they were able to put a reason to the behavior. Looking over, you saw Juice with a smile, offering a small thumbs up. You chuckled and gave him a thumbs up yourself, looking back over at Jax when he began to speak.

“Well thank you for telling us. It doesn’t matter to us, we just wanted to make sure you felt as comfortable here as the rest of us. Knowing this now, we can figure out what works and what doesn’t to make things easier. You’re our brother and a damn good Son. We’re gonna look out for you no matter what.”

There were smiles all around the table as Jax gently banged the gavel and everyone stood, offering you strong hugs. They welcomed you in your entirety into their club, lives, and hearts and made sure you knew that you were up to par with the rest of them. They loved you as a brother not despite your disorder, but because it made you who you were, the newest member of the family.

#sons of anarchy #chibs telford #juice ortiz #Jax Teller #sons of anarchy imagine #SAMCRO #soa x male reader

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letitrainathousandflames · 4 years

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I just read the comic you made about getting tested for ADHD/autism and I wanted to say thank you. That last part almost made me cry. I struggle with a lot of the same things and I had to fight a lot to get tested and then... It came negative. And the worst part is that I've never been convinced that was right (long story why) but that makes me feel so guilty for still thinking I'm something I've been told I'm not. So thank you from the bottom of my heart, reading that means so much to me.

Thank you so much for this message! It really makes me happy to know the comic resonated with you. If it’s something that is bothering you, maybe get tested again/by a different professional?

Positive diagnosis or not, I meant what I said - find your coping mechanisms and try to make your life easier. You don’t owe explanations to anyone. Brains aren’t either adhd or not, it’s all a spectrum, much like adhd itself. My dad has a few traits of adhd but he isnt like, diagnosable adhd. Brains are super complex, each of them with its own quirks and disorders, and even their actual biological shape influences the way they work. I’ve been studying a lot about adhd and recently found out that it is caused by certain parts of the brain being smaller, affecting some functions and the ability to perform activities [lack of focus, hyperfocus, impulsivity, etc].

You not being diagnosed doesn’t necessarily mean that you might not have certain traits from adhd. I, for one, don’t tick all the boxes for it; some people do. Other people tick entirely different boxes. Again, the diagnosis isn’t the endgame.

What matters most is - this behaviors bother you. Can you find ways to manage them? Does having a label for your issues make you feel better? Then good for you. Being self-diagnosed is as valid as being formally diagnosed. And you as a self-diagnosed person are completely free to enjoy the benefits of coping mechanisms intended for adhd; you can find comfort in the notion that you know what, precisely, is the one thing making everything so difficult. It’s not an exclusive club. You don’t need a membership card.

[more under the cut because I talk to much]

I lived my entire life up until now not knowing life could be this much easier. If being self-diagnosed can help anyone get the peace of mind i’m feeling right now, I’m all for it. People might not be able to get diagnosed by any number of reasons - being afraid of taking the test, not having the money for it (we had to save for it in my case), not having understanding parents willing to have them tested, tests that might have failed to cover their issues properly, etc.

Let me make a metaphor because I love metaphors so much:

If you, say, break a leg and become unable to walk properly, can see the bone clearly shattered, then well, you have a broken leg, and you know this fact long before you enter the hospital to get it looked at. It doesn’t become broken when the doctor utters the words “your leg is broken”. It was already broken and they only confirmed it.

A diagnosis doesn’t make the condition exist - it ony confirms it’s existence.

When I got my diagnosis, it never meant that now I have adhd. It meant that I have had adhd for 30 years and only now I’ve come to terms with it, enough to try and get tested.

In my opinion the test was important, yes, but the self-awareness of noticing that there had to be something else, that life cannot be this hard for everyone, that I need to find coping mechanisms for my deficiencies... that was the most meaningful part of it. Just like you trying to find your answer is: you are doing the hardest part of it all - developing self-awareness and looking for a solution! Good job! You should be very proud of yourself!

My point here is, back to the metaphor: say you never go to the doctor. Your leg would still be broken. A lack of diagnosis doesn’t deny the issue.

Say you take a full week to go to the doctor. Your leg would have been broken for a week. A delayed diagnosis doesn’t deny the issue.

Say you go to a bad doctor that barely looks at your leg and says it’s fine. It isn’t it’s still broken. You have an official, doctor-signed paper saying it isn’t. But you can’t walk and your bone is clearly out of place - it’s still broken. A mistaken diagnosis doesn’t deny the issue.

In all circumstances, what matters most isn’t the diagnosis - its your pain.

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cheeseanonioncrisps · 5 years

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I think we need to talk more about what I'm going to call 'autism baiting', because I'm noticing it more and more and it's really starting to bug me.

Look, there are some characters where there's no indication that any of the creators actually sat down and said "let's make this character autistic", but they somehow manage to tick enough of the right boxes that the autistic community ends up adopting them. That? That's fine. That's not what I'm talking about.

Aziraphale from Good Omens is a really good example of this. Like, I don't get the impression that Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett or Michael Sheen necessarily intended to write/portray an autistic character, but for a lot of people that's what they did. Especially with the TV series (although the space-ship conversation in the book will always be one of the top autistic Aziraphale moments for me) people have started recognising their own traits in Aziraphale and headcanoning him as autistic. And Neil and Michael have even acknowledged this headcanon on Twitter and responded positively to it.

So, once again, to clarify, that is not what I am talking about. Just because I know people are going to try dragging innocent characters and creators into this if I don't make it clear.

What I am talking about is those other characters people tend to headcanon as autistic, where it's pretty obvious that the creators did sit down and say "let's make this character autistic", and then one of them added "and let's constantly deny it so we don't have to do any proper research."

That annoys me a bit.

I started watching Community recently, and I love it, and there's a character in it called Abed who I really like as a character, but who is probably the best example of autism-baiting I can come up with.

Like, his introduction is him telling another character that he's been told there's "a disorder that I might want to look up". Then later that same character tries to insult him by telling him he has Aspergers, and everyone else in the room immediately reassures him that he doesn't while all looking awkwardly at each other over his head.

The whole 'dancing around Abed's autism' issue is actually a running gag throughout the show. There's an episode where he's referred to as "Abed the Undiagnosable" and another where he uses "I might have a developmental disorder" as an excuse to get out of being lab partners with someone.

It's really obvious that he's meant to be autistic, but the fact is never acknowledged in canon. (Full disclosure: I'm only on series 3, but I looked it up and multiple sources confirmed this.) He's never officially diagnosed.

And this may not seem like such a big deal until you consider that if he's never actually canonically diagnosed, then no matter how obviously autistic-coded he is, Autistic!Abed will always be headcanon.

And you can't write in to tell creators that they're getting your headcanon wrong.

Autism-baiting sets creators up with a win-win scenario. They still get the benefits of having an autistic character in their cast. I got into Community after I saw a post talking about how great the autism rep was, and I've seen shows like Big Bang Theory and Sherlock praised for their portrayal of autistic characters.

(Though, in fairness, Sherlock is officially diagnosed with sociopathy— though from what I've heard they don't portray it that accurately. But they do have a scene where John says something "appeals to [Sherlock's] aspergers" in a mocking way, and honestly I can't believe I have to say this in 2019 but please don't have people call your autism-coded characters 'autistic' or 'aspergers' as an insult.)

But they don't have to put too much work in. They don't have to worry about whether they're getting it right, or whether they're playing into stereotypes too much— they can just relax and get on with it, confident in the knowledge that if they mess up too badly they can always fall back on "he's not autistic!" (it's usually a he) "that's just a headcanon!"

And honestly I think this problem could be solved if we as a community stopped settling. I mean, I get it. We're all starved for rep, but it would be great if we could stop praising shows for their 'autistic representation' when they feature characters whose autism is never acknowledged in canon.

#actuallyautistic #autism #autism-baiting #community #abed #bbc sherlock #big bang theory #sheldon cooper #sherlock holmes #aziraphale #good omens #once again this specifically refers to characters who are autism-coded #the sheldon cooper types #not characters who a lot of people happen to hc as autistic #neurodivergence #tv #tv writing #autism coding

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