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hargrove-mayfields · 3 years

Note

Billy has to stick up for max a lot because of her autism, at school he walks to her class and their afraid of him because just,,, look at him

warnings for mentions of bullying and ableism.

It isn’t easy to make Maxine Mayfield cry.

At least, Billy had almost never seen her shed a tear in the six years he’d known her but maybe two times: once when she was still little, and just learned her step-family was going to move into her house and replace her real dad forever, and once when she was told they would be leaving California. Both times she’d run off to her room and slammed the door before anyone could see, but Billy had noticed. He always did when it came to Max. Had to when he knew damn well how much trouble he’d be in if things went wrong while he was watching her.

Beyond that there were a few teary eyed looks that got wiped away, maybe a sniffle she’d try to cover up by complaining about her allergies, but it was very rare, even during meltdowns, that she’d be full on crying, tears streaming down her face so quickly she couldn’t wipe them away while sobs wrack through her and make her shake.

So Billy knows first thing that something is very, very wrong when she’s already at his car after school, her face buried in her balled up jacket and doing exactly that. He can hear her from outside the car, so he sighs and knocks on the window before he yanks the door open, but Max doesn’t even flinch, just curls up tighter in the passenger seat and ignores him.

That’s a bad sign too, the fact she isn’t even trying to hide it from him, “What’s a’matter Maxi?”

“None of your business.” She snaps at him, voice thick and wet with tears. It’s unfamiliar seeing her like that and it makes Billy feel tense ang guilt even though he didn’t do it this time, so he tries, “Come on. It totally is my business. You get tears on my leather seats n’the salt’ll stain ‘em up, and you’ll be the one to clean it up.”

All it gets from Max is another heavy sob, instantly hitting him with a pang of regret for trying to be light about this, “Shit. M’sorry, Maxi. Didn’t mean it like that. Just tryin’ ta make you smile.”

“Well it didn’t work!” Max sniffles, throwing her jacket on the dash and finally turning to look at Billy, face flushed red and tracked with tears, her bottom lip still wobbling, “I’ll never ever smile again..”

“Why not? I know it’s not just because of your dumbass brother.” Billy sees a twitch at the corner of her lip, the slightest hint of a smile at him insulting himself, and he counts that as a small win, a sign he’s getting at least a little bit through to Max, so he prompts her again, “What happened at school today, Max?”

Her gaze drops to her lap, and she shrugs her shoulders slightly, stiffly, as she mumbles an explanation, “Remember how I told you about that boy, who's mean to me and my friends?”

“‘Course I do. I never forget anythin’ you tell me.”

Max wipes her nose on her sleeve, and corrects him, “Except for when you forgot I told you I had AV club and you came in the school looking for me and then you got stuck talking to a teacher for like, three hours after I was done.”

“Yeah, well that was one time. N’I was already havin’ a bad day when you told me, thank you very much.” He encourages her, his face serious though their tone is light-hearted, “Keep goin’, what’d this kid do now?”

Again Max’s features close off, and she tries to lie, “He was just.. Well it was my fault.. I-I don’t know.”

“Max. I need the truth.”

Talking fast, like she’s fighting against her thoughts, she makes him promise, “Promise me you won’t do anything dumb, first.”

Billy lifts a hand from the steering wheel, “I won’t. Cross my heart, Maxi.”

At this point, in the silence that builds while Max wills herself to speak, Billy starts to drive, since it’s clear he won’t be going back into that school. It isn’t lost on him the way Max takes a deep breath, out of relief that he meant it when he said he wasn’t going to be dumb and march back in there.

Quickly, once she’s ready, she explains, “Okay. Well he kinda sort of told me that I was annoying ‘cause I laugh too much, and I told him it was just a stim n’that I couldn’t help it but he said that made me a baby and I told him I wasn’t and he called me a retard instead and I was already stressed so I started crying like a dumb baby and he laughed at me and none of my friends said anything or helped me and I just.. yeah.”

All Billy can do is raise his eyebrows, has about a hundred and one pissy and angry things he could say, but he doesn’t utter a word, because he doesn’t want to make Max more upset than she already is.

Clearly just the change in his expression spooks her though, because she insists, sounding like she could cry again at any second, “You promised me!”

He puts his hands up sort of defensively, though he has to grab the wheel again when the car veers, swallowing his anger to tell her calmly, “I didn’t even say anything. I promised I’d be nice and I’m gonna keep that promise.”

She nods hesitantly, more to show trust than agreement, so Billy continues, “But Maxi that’s.. bad. Why don’t you tell a teacher or some shit?”

“Yeah, like they would even do anything. They already hate me for being in their coed classes.” Max mumbles the last part, looking away, “They’d probably rather Troy beat me up so I wouldn’t be bothering them anymore.”

“Tell me you’re being dramatic.”

But Max just shrugs again.

“Fuck, I hate this fucking place.” Billy tears his eyes from the road to look Max in the eyes as she says it, even knowing she can’t return the gesture, “You know you don’t deserve to go through this shit, Maxi?”

“It.. is kinda my fault though.”

He lashes out, just a little, hearing her talk like that about herself. Because it’s not fair that a thirteen year old girl looks at herself that way, yeah, but also because he knows it’s in some ways his fault too, and their parents for the way she’d been brought up, and the shit she'd been around that she even thinks to say shit like that.

He hits the palm of his hand against the rim of his steering wheel, rather he goes to before he catches himself, slowing it before it really hits, tapping it more than anything, “No the fuck it isn’t. It’s nobody’s fault but the assholes that make it into a problem. And fucking Neil’s for dragging us to this close-minded little spot on the map. I hate this fucking town”

“Oh.” Is all Max says.

Billy waits, but he can see she doesn’t know what else to say, so he sighs, “Look, I made my promise to you. Can you make one for me now?”

Max looks confused, “Okay?”

“Promise me that the next time somebody says some shit to you, you stand up for yourself.” Max scrunches up her face, like she immediately disagrees with that, but Billy insists, “Look, I don’t care if you’re crying like a damn baby or you can’t even talk while you do it, just don’t let ‘em walk all over you like that again.”

“I’m not fighting anyone, Billy. I’m not.. like you.”

“That’s not what I said. I said to stand up for yourself. It’s different.”

“Yeah right. How am I supposed to do that?” Billy knows that some asshole had to have said that to Max, that for whatever bullshit reason she couldn’t stick up for herself. Damn kid can’t catch a break in life, so he tells her, at this point not sure if this is even advice or just him ranting at Max, “This kid calls you a slur again, tell ‘im at least you got the diagnosis. Make him feel like he’s the stupid one. And if a teacher ever pulls some shit about the way you learn, tell ‘em you’ll go to the board of education and personally get their asses fired. Your mom would fight for you.”

“No she wouldn’t.”

“Then dammit I would. Your friends would if they understood. I know Sinclair would kick ass for you.”

Max’s toughness finally cracks- she learned that from him, to put on that hard exterior and fake it- Billy's determination stronger than her stubbornness. She looks up at him with a look in her eye that says he’s said all the right things, “You really think so?”

“No shit. Big brothers know all about this kind of bull.”

“I guess.” Max smiles just a little, and tells him matter-of-factly, “But you’re not that kind of big brother. You’re too cool.”

“Hell yeah I am.” Billy hums proudly, adding with humor in his tone, “But it’s even more cool to be nice to your little sister than it is to be an asshole. Remember that one.”

Max nods, listing it off on her fingers, “Stand up for myself, but don’t be an asshole, and Billy's secretly a big softie. I think I got it.”

“Good. Now out of my car, shitbird.”

Giggling in that way that says she knows she got him, Max swings open her door and runs into the house, leaving Billy to watch after her. He turns off the car but doesn’t get out, trying to bury his worry for her under his expression, not because he didn’t care, or even because he didn’t want her to know, he was long past that, but because he was worried what would happen if Susan saw his concern.

She’d weasel the truth out of Max if she knew something was up, and somehow, despite her promises, Neil would find out once he dragged his ass back home from the bar later tonight, and then it would somehow be Billy’s fault. He just hopes, if Max lets slip about the bullying, she at least doesn’t get too mouthy and mention the part where she was crying.

That was a Friday when that all went down, so Billy has the weekend, which thankfully does not include any snitching, to decide what he’s going to do about it. It’s not like he was ever going to go beat up on any tweens anyways, but he promised Max he wouldn’t be dumb, and he knew that meant no passive aggressive bullshit either. At least not while she could see him.

Because that ruled out like, half of his options, he’s still kind of clueless on what he’s going to do that next Monday morning when schools back in. He’s sitting in the middle school parking lot, fingers twitching against the steering wheel without a cigarette to busy them with, waiting for 7:30 on the dot when Max always goes in.

At this point, he’s considering just ditching with her to go get ice cream or something so she doesn’t have to face any bullies today, but his epiphany comes in the form of watching Jonathan Byers walk the littler one all the way to the front doors, his hand protectively hooked through the handle on the kid’s backpack. When the clock ticks the right time and Max opens her door, he knows what he’s going to do, and he turns the car off.

She freezes, can tell he’s up to something. “What are you doing?”

“Nothin’. M’just walking you in.” She glares at him in response to the smug smile he wears, so he swears, “Honest. I got basketball today. No way I’m missing that shit ‘cause I fought some little kid.”

“You’re lying.”

“Can’t I just be nice to my little sister?”

From the look on her face, she’s still skeptical, but it's enough to get Max to agree to it, grabbing her bag from the backseat and mumbling, “Whatever. Just don’t embarrass me.”

Billy chuckles, giving Max a head start towards the building before he follows, “Hey now, I thought just yesterday I was your cool older brother.”

“Cool older brothers don’t walk their sisters to the door.” She calls it over her shoulder, and Billy can’t help but tease her more, correcting her in a sing-songy voice, “Who said I was stoppin’ at the door? I’m walking you all the way to your class.”

“Oh god.” Max stops walking, but Billy keeps up, this time pulling ahead enough to call back to her, “Come on shitbird. Don’t wanna be late.”

“I hate you so much.”

“Yeah, right. You love that I would take the time outta my morning to do this for you.” He props open the door for Max with his boot, pretending not to notice the way all the little middle school kids at their lockers turn to gawk at them, letting her shove past him with her face flushed deeper than the color of her hair in embarrassment.

Pulling on her backpack straps, like she’s trying to physically make herself smaller, she mumbles, “No, I actually hate you.”

He almost feels bad for embarrassing her, but that’s the other part of his job, and he reminds her of that, “Good. There’s some more advice for ya, little sisters should always hate their big brothers, or he’s doing something wrong.”

They get a little ways down the hall, Max’s confidence going up just some as the shock wears off and people start to turn away, but Billy hardly notices. He doesn’t even come close to being bothered by eighth grade politics anymore, and if he’s intimidating the poor kids, well that’s exactly what he’s there for.

When he’s met with a particularly harsh glare from some snob nosed brat, who happens to remind him a lot of one Tommy Hagan, he bumps into Max on purpose, and announces louder than he needs to in hopes the kid’ll know he was looking for him, “That the little asshole s’been givin’ you trouble?”

Glancing nervously between him and Billy, she nods, “Yeah..”

Billy just nods, a cross between acknowledgment and judgement, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You said-“ Again Max panics, but Billy cuts her off this time with a simple assurance of, “And I didn’t do anything.”

Her eyebrows knit together, realizing that that wasn’t a lie, “I.. guess you didn’t.”

“What’s your first class anyways?”

“We report to the cafeteria before first period.” She informs him, leading him that way, but he hooks two fingers through the strap on her bag to stop her, “Not gonna happen, Maxi. Being shoved in a tiny room with three hundred other kids makes you feel all ‘meltdowny’ I think was your exact word. So you’re not doin’ that anymore. I just decided.”

“But that’s against the rules.”

“Yeah, so’s me bein’ in this building during school hours, but nobody’s saying shit to me, are they?”

Max narrows her eyes at him then, and he knows he said too much, that he’s been found out, “That’s your plan isn’t it.”

There’s a crooked smile on his face he can’t hide as he plays innocent-like, “What is?”

Max pushes him a little and he pretends to misstep while she accuses him, “Coming into school and being all intimidating so nobody will bug me anymore.”

“Pfft, yeah right.” Billy denies again, getting nothing but an eye roll in response at first, but when it’s clear it’s he’s not going to give up and admit it, Max does, glancing shortly over at him, “Well thanks anyways, Billy.”

She adds, realizing he’s wandering with no idea where they’re going, having never been in the middle school himself, “My first class is in B-18.”

“Which one is’at?” He asks, just curious, but Max deflects the question, giving a short, “It’s taught by Mr. Clarke.”

Just from how quiet she is, Billy can tell that she's hiding something, “Max. You seriously don’t even know what class you’re in?”

“No I don’t, okay?” Max stops in the middle of the hallway, ranting at her brother, “It’s already not the same as my old school, and then they moved my schedule all around again after they decided I didn’t qualify for special ed, so now I just go where I’m s’posed to, and I know my teachers better than my classes.”

“And you didn’t tell anyone, did you?”

“No. There’s nothing anyone can do so it doesn’t matter.” Her tone implies she thought a lot about it, maybe even wanted to, but decided not to.

Billy insists right back, these past two days feeling like he’s constantly petitioning for Max to trust and rely on him, “Oh I could do somethin’. You know I could.”

“I do. But I don’t want you to. Sticking up for me is enough.”

That’s what makes Billy understand. The firmness in her voice says everything she needs him to hear: Max doesn’t want Billy to do for her what she can handle. This is bigger than just being the older brother. This is her setting boundaries, asking for help without wanting to be controlled. That’s something he never really got how to do, being raised by a dictator and all, but it’s something she needs. Sometimes he forgets that.

He doesn’t say anything else, just lets it sit while Max takes him down some stairs to the right room. She stops outside, scuffing up the dusty marble floors with the toe of her Chuck Taylor’s, “Could you.. stick around for a little bit in case he says something?”

Billy clicks his tongue, remarking, “I dunno. I got a class in a few..”

But his sarcasm falls short with Max, which, that’s his bad for not realizing that it would, and her face falls, “Oh, well I guess I can just-”

“Was just funnin’ you shitbird. I don’t give a fuck about my classes.” Max grimaces in that all too familiar way of uncertainty, so he promises, “I’ll be right out here. Go talk to your teacher, ‘n if he says some shit to you, remember I only promised not be stupid about the bully.”

He at least gets a smile for that one, before Max rolls her eyes, “You’re not fighting my science teacher, dummy.”

“Whatever. Just get in there, brat.”

He can see Max holding back a smile as she listens, bounding into her classroom with another quick glance back at Billy to check that he wasn’t lying and going to walk away.

Billy waits until the door fall closed to lean against the row of lockers opposite it, watching her through the little meshed over windows. By now, he’s pretty well versed on what arguments with angry authority figures look like, and the conversation between Max and her teacher is not one. He still stays though, just because Max asked him to, but maybe, just maybe a little for himself, a reassurance that the second he leaves shit isn’t going to get worse, and Max’ll have at least someone other than her equally as nerdy little friends behind her.

Then they both turn and give him a little wave, Max and her teacher, an acknowledgment to Billy that this new routine was indeed going to work out. The way the school district had handled everything else, he wonders if the guy even knew Max wasn’t like his other students until now.

Still, seeing that, Billy gives a half nod in response, and decides his job is done here, at least until tomorrow when he does the same. Max’ll get used to it, and his hope is that the little bully brats won’t. He’ll just have to keep them on their toes.

Which is exactly why, while on his way out, Billy has to break his promise to Max, just slightly, and do something dumb. He finds the Troy kid again, and waits until the little punk is at his peak to knock him down a few pegs.

He’s complaining about some teacher, which is pretty typical for a thirteen-fourteen year old kid, but the other things he’s said to Max make it not as relatable, not as innocent. So he does what any logical, mature adult would do, and scares the piss out of him.

Billy waits until the kid gets a laugh from his troop of assholes, and slams the locker door beside him shut, uncaring of who’s it was. All eyes are quickly on him, all too wide against too pale faces. It’s too easy.

“What are you little shits whining about over here?”

The one in charge steps forward, trying to be tough despite the way he has to practically bend backwards to look up at Billy’s face, “None of your business. Did the freak send you after us to scare us? It ain’t gonna work.”

“Oh I’m not here to scare you. I’m just here to give you your final warning. We’re past the point of intimidation. Matter of fact, next time I have to come here.. it won’t be looking so good for you.”

“You’re lying.” The kid accuses, despite the obvious doubt written behind his features.

Billy can work with that.

“I might be. But I’m still an authority figure over your sorry little asses, and if you don’t start respecting that..” He bends down a little further, still nowhere near the kid but making his whole troupe flinche back, and drops his pitch, “well, I can’t promise what’ll happen to ya, but unlike your teachers, I don’t play by the rules. You got that?”

Straightening himself back out, Billy pretends to start walking away before he adds, “Oh, and if you pick on my kid sister ever again, I will know. Just remember that, uh, Troy was it?”

The kid nods dumbly, literally vibrating with something like fear, and Billy can say he’s pretty satisfied with that. He pats the kid on the shoulder, a touch so gentle it wouldn’t’ve hurt a fly, and notably couldn’t get him in any trouble, but the little shit scampers off, three other puffy head bullies trailing after him.

Everyone sees it happen, Billy with his nasty smirk and his distinguishably high-schooler way of carrying himself, Troy running for the hills in the other direction. He leaves feeling like his point has been thoroughly proven.

It isn’t easy to make Maxine Mayfield cry, but it’s even harder to get away with it, and Billy knows it won’t be a problem from now on.

#billy & max #billy hargrove #max mayfield #autistic max #tw r slur #tw ableism mention #tw bullying mention #ej writer #story by ej!#anon my beloved #you so read my mind with this #I had half a fic written out like this for ages and then this ask popped up (a while ago. I’m sorry I’ve been so slow at requests)#so have this little projection fest my beloved anon #i mighta went a little crazy with this #<3 <3 <3 #thank you for sending me this! I love requests!

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chilling-seavey · 3 years

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Anything But Mine - Penelope’s Meltdowns

A/N Penelope is quite a complex character and there’s a lot that even Florence and Daniel had to discover about her as she grew up; her sudden meltdowns being one of them.

Saturday, December 2, 2023

The mall was busy with Christmas shoppers, bustling through the stores and wide hallways decked out in tinsel and garlands and the speakers playing light Christmas music. It was a Saturday afternoon so was it was busier than normal, not to mention the additional chaos of the Christmas season. Regardless of the crowds, the mall was always so nicely decorated for the holidays, down to the four-storey tall tree that was absolutely covered in twinkling lights. The girls always loved the Christmas lights and Florence and Clementine stood at the side of the railing overlooking the huge tree.

Usually, Penelope would be right up there with them but she had been in a bit of a mood all day, refusing to wear her coat and then crying the whole time to the mall after they forced her in it. So she stood holding Daniel’s hand with tear-stained cheeks as he held her coat and they watched Florence and Clementine admire the decorations a few steps away.

They had spent a good bit of the afternoon in the mall, picking up their last few gifts for the family in good time before the mad rush would start closer to the holidays. Penelope refused to be more than an arm length away from Daniel the whole time, making him carry her until his arms were nearly ready to give out and when he set her down she wouldn’t leave him alone until he picked her back up again. Her crying was constant and she was clingy and it was putting sort of a damper on their little trip.

They had planned to go home for dinner when they finished shopping since they had just bought groceries not long before but as they made their way to the exit, Daniel suggested finding a restaurant as a treat. Clementine gladly agreed, jumping off the top of the escalator with a thud from her pink winter boots, her hand still held tightly by Florence as they made it to the foyer of the mall nearest the main downtown intersection. Daniel set Penelope back on her feet with a tired sigh as they reached the top of the escalator and she whimpered right away and reached back up for him.

“I’ve been carrying you all day, bug. You’re gonna have to walk for a bit.” he said, taking her hand without another word.

“So we’ll go to a restaurant instead then.” Florence confirmed, stopping by the wall out of the way of the crowds to slip Clementine’s coat back on her and zipped it up.

“I wanna go home.” Penelope pouted softly.

“We’re going out for a treat instead.” Daniel said with a small smile, crouching down in front of her to put her coat on.

“No.” Penelope turned away from him at the sight of her winter jacket and leaned into the wall.

“Come on, bug. It won’t be on for long.” Daniel grabbed her arm gently and turned her to face him again, trying to wiggle her arm in the sleeve.

“No!” Penelope cried, fresh tears welling in her eyes. “Go home now!”

“Even if we go home you need to wear your coat.” Florence said.

“I don’t wanna go home yet!” Clementine protested, looking between her parents, her voice loud over the music playing through the mall speakers.

“I know.” Florence assured her softly.

Daniel reached for Penelope again, finally managing to wiggle her into her coat despite her blubbery sobs and small cries in protest. He zipped it up and buttoned it up so she was basically locked in there and then he stood again to turn to his wife with a tired sigh.

“Can you manage a dinner out?” Florence asked him quietly.

“Yeah. Might trade kids with you though.” Daniel whispered.

“That’s fine.” Florence nodded, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek.

To anyone else, the situation was generally calm. To Penelope, it felt like the end of the world. The sudden change in plans of going out to eat instead of home was one thing but then there was also the Christmas music that had been playing loudly all day – a lot of the songs repeating enough to drive anyone mad really – right with the noise of the crowds and the traffic now that was honking loudly from just outside the glass doors a few metres away. The lights from the city square were flashing brightly and all the noises were overlapping from inside and outside and the contrast between the loud talking of the crowd and her parents’ soft whispers made her skin crawl and her coat itched her neck like crazy and Penelope just…lost it.

She threw herself on the dirty floor of the mall with a loud scream, making a few passersby look over as well as her parents and sister as she flopped backwards onto the floor and clawed at her coat as she screamed at the top of her lungs.

“Oh my God.” Daniel crouched in front of her, grabbing her arm to get her up. “Penelope, stop it. We don’t act like this when we’re upset.”

That only made her cry louder, flailing on the floor as she tried to kick him away, clawing at her coat until a few of the buttons popped open.

“You are not taking your coat off.” Daniel said sternly, trying to ignore the stares of strangers as they passed and he tried to button them back up.

The three-year-old only screamed, hot tears pouring down her cheeks through wracking sobs, tugging at her coat until it looked like she was going to claw right through the fabric.

“Penelope. Stop it.” Daniel grabbed her arm to try and pull her to her feet but she flailed harder, shoving his hands away and kicking at his chest. “Penelope Magnolia! No kicking. Stand up like a big girl.”

She only cried louder, her pouted lips shining in spit with how dramatic her meltdown was as her screams echoed through the mall. Daniel was trying to stand her up but she kept making herself go limp in his arms to flop back on the floor.

“Just take it off her. It’s not worth it right now.” Florence whispered shakily to her husband as Clementine hid behind her leg.

Daniel sighed in frustration at his daughter throwing a fit in the middle of the mall, carefully reaching to start to unbutton her coat and unzip it, offering her a shaky, “Okay, okay, it’s coming off.”

Penelope visibly took a deep shaky inhale once the coat was off as if having it on was physically restricting but she still screamed, rolling over onto her stomach and curled up in a ball with her hands over her ears. Every time Daniel went to touch her she screamed louder and he looked up at his wife helplessly.

“What the hell do I do?” he breathed.

Florence directed Clementine to sit a bit of a ways away with their bags, still within arms reach but giving them and their emotional youngest some space. Florence crouched down with him on the floor, setting a hand on Penelope’s back,

“Penny, baby, it’s Mommy.” she spoke softly. “What’s wrong?”

Penelope just kept crying, hands clamped over her ears and she shrieked against the tile floors. Daniel sat back a moment and ran his hands over his face with a stressed sigh, glancing around at the onlookers that passed by staring like they were a storefront window or street performers.

“Oh my God, Dani, what do we do?” Florence breathed.

“I-I don’t know.” Daniel stammered, feeling completely hopeless as their three-year-old was having a full meltdown, feeling near tears himself.

“Should we just take her home like this?”

“Yeah.” Daniel sighed, standing up so he could bend down to pick up the three-year-old who screamed louder in his arms, earning more stares from strangers in the mall. He tucked her coat around her shoulders despite her wiggling to try and get it away from her as Florence took Clementine by the hand and gathered their bags.

Penelope screamed the whole way into the parking garage, wiggling enough that it was almost a struggle for Daniel to hold her, her hands digging her nails into his shoulder only making it more difficult for him. Florence unlocked the car and opened the back door for him and he got Penelope in her car seat, the toddler shrieking at the top of her lungs as he put her down and started to buckle her up.

Clementine was gaping over at her sister as Florence buckled her into her own car seat on the other side, confused as to what the heck was going on. It wasn’t unusual for Penelope to cry or scream when she was upset but this seemingly sudden outburst…this meltdown was completely out of left field. She cried and screamed and tried to get out of her seatbelt and smacked her hand against the window almost the whole way home, the rest of their small family sitting in tense silence. She tired herself out by the time they got to their building, wailing herself into a sleep stemmed from exhaustion.

Daniel carried her upstairs, Florence and Clementine following quietly after with their bags, taking the elevator silently together. Penelope was completely clocked out on Daniel’s shoulder, red cheeks stained in tears squished against his shoulder and her arms hanging limply around his neck. No one spoke as he carried her into the apartment and right to her room, carefully and silently undressing her and putting her into her pyjamas. It was a miracle she didn’t wake up. He stayed in her room a moment longer after he tucked her into bed, sitting at the side of her bed and watched her sleep, biting anxiously on his fingernail. Something wasn’t right with his little girl and it nearly broke his heart to think of what could be going on in that sweet little head of hers.

Saturday, November 28, 2026

After a few years of doctors appointments and specialists and finally a diagnosis, Penelope’s meltdowns and seemingly constant discomfort had a name to it. Daniel and Florence went out of their way to buy every single possible book or article on autism in girls to figure out how to make life easier for their second daughter and especially for themselves too. So, by the time three years had passed and they found themselves in a similar situation during Christmas shopping, they had a much better understanding on how to handle it.

The coat was no longer an issue since Penelope was old enough to choose her own winter coat and what she felt comfortable in but it was again, the full day of a crowded mall and overlapping noises and sensory overload to the max. She was still young at only six so she had yet to understand what she was even feeling when she felt it but the second she ripped her hand out of Daniel’s, the parents knew what was coming.

They were in the middle of the crowded hallway, like right in the middle of the crowd, when Penelope dropped to the floor with a strained sob.

The crowd moved around her, staring at her as she broke into loud tears, nearly screaming as she curled up on the dirty floor. Florence and Daniel exchanged knowing glances, having a plan already in the back of their minds from late night practice over medical articles. So Florence passed Daniel the favourite stuffed puppy she had tucked in her purse before she took Clementine and Lucy down one of the side hallways and out of the crowd as Daniel crouched down beside Penelope.

“Hey, honey. It’s okay. I’m right here.” Daniel said softly, tucking the puppy in her arms. “Puppy’s right here too.”

Penelope only cried harder, curling into herself on the floor. Her screams nearly echoed through the mall, earning dozens of stares from strangers but Daniel kept his eyes on his daughter, even as she kicked at him.

“Okay, bug, Daddy’s gonna take you somewhere quiet, okay?” Daniel carefully scooped her up, making sure she wasn’t thrashing too hard because he didn’t want to scare her but he managed to carry her slowly out of the crowd and down the side aisle after Florence and the other two girls.

Penelope’s wails echoed more in the emptiness and he slid down to the floor against the wall with the six-year-old on his lap. He set a hand over her opposite ear and pulled her head against his chest to block out any noise for her and then stayed absolutely still. No loving back rubs or soft hums that he was so familiar with doing as those would just trigger her more. Just silence.

Florence sat with Clementine and Lucy only a couple feet away, watching him nervously as Penelope still cried in his arms. Daniel held her snugly, the slightly weighted stuffed puppy resting on her lap and the secure hold of his arms around her already started to calm her crying a little. When her wails turned into soft cries, Daniel and Florence exchanged wide eyed glances from where they sat apart, watching their daughter start to calm herself down.

Penelope soon quieted down into soft sniffles and she picked up her puppy to cuddle into her chest. Daniel carefully took his hand from over her ear, running his thumb softly over her cheek before tucking his arm around her.

“There you go.” Daniel whispered, kissing her head as he held her against his chest. “Daddy’s got you. You’re okay.”

Penelope, now embarrassed as she was coming down from her uncontrollable meltdown, shifted to wrap her arms around his shoulders and buried her face in his neck. Daniel tucked her legs around his waist and held her close, looking over at Florence again with a small sigh.

“How about we go get some ice cream?” Florence suggested. Clementine and Lucy cheered with agreement and Penelope lifted her head up long enough to share a cheeky smile with Daniel.

“Yeah! Let’s go get you a big scoop of chocolate ice cream, okay?” he smiled at her, pressing a sweet kiss to her tear stained cheek.

#this ones been in drafts for MONTHS #so here lol #daniel seavey #why dont we #daniel seavey imagines #daniel seavey fanfic

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shikagemaru · 3 years

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Been having an identity crisis recently. There's It a whole lot of things adding up to that. Call it a rant and ignore it if you want. There's only like 3 of you guys anyway.

I would put a readmore here if I knew how to do that on mobile (thanks for sucking, only social media app I feel at all comfortable with)

•It really doesn't help that the past 7 years of my life have been completely stagnant. Since I haven't been able to work my wife and I have had basically no freedom of our own.

•2 years ago I was put in jail because a pair of psychopaths decided to go from 70 to 0 on the highway in front of us, and get out to try attacking us. I tried backing up to go around but obviously the car behind me was too close and the highway was at speed in the right lane. So I had to go around on the grass while these 2 crazy assholes were approaching while shouting threats. One was coming for my wife's window. So I did what I had to and bumped one of them. He wouldn't move and our safety was more important than him being hurt a little. There was a high speed chase through our community, and while we're on the phone with the police these two are trying to force us off the road. The cops even see one of them hanging out the window shouting threats at us. We pull into a mcdonalds parking lot and after talking to them for a bit the cops arrest me because he said I "ran him over" on purpose. He was so uninjured that he refused medical care at the scene, but he kept telling people I ran him over. They were also both arrested btw. I was held without food or mpving air for over 13 hours and I have a history of heat stroke and hypoglycemia (it's bot exactly that, but it's like living outside of a big city and tellinf people you're from there instead of the local podunk you actually live in). Long story short it was torturous, and then I got put in actual jail. They didn't care that I have a long list of disabilities. When I was released I had to wear an anklr monitor while taking weekly drug tests. The numbers on the drug test kept reading that I was using weed even though I wasn't. It was insanely stressful as the numbers didn't change from one week to another. My fear was that because I was rapidly losing weight from stress that the thc being held onto in the fat was being detected. NOPE. turns out one of my DAILY meds was testing false positive. "Shouldn't they know about the false positive drug and account for it?" Youd think. But when they scanned my medication bottles that one came out blurred and they never entered it into their system. In case there are any lingering feelings that I was guilty, the court case more than handled that. The prosecutor was the kind of scumbag that, before my trial, tried prosecuting this guy's mother-in-law for assaulting him when she tried taking her grandkid out of his arms because he was using the baby to shield himself when the family confronted him about having a fake medical license and it ruining all their lives. It turns out I was put through hell and all he was seeking was "anger management counciling" because he believed that I, the guy protecting his wife, had road rage issues. One listen to the 911 calls would have straightened thst up. My lawyer kicked his ass just a little more than I did on the stand. Long story concluded, thanks for the ptsd. The nightmares have been lovely. So is panicking whenever a door closes kinda loud.

•Last year I was able to self diagnose myself with autism. For those who don't know, the vast majority of autistic people self diagnose, largely due to "experts" on average not being well educated on what autism is outside of the stereotypical cases. Most women aren't diagnosed until adults. Most "high functioning" (which is an awful description when you lesrn that it was created by a literal nazi to separate autistic people into "kill these ones" and "don't kill these ones" categories) people aren't diagnosed until adulthood. And by then actually getting the diagnosis is a challenge. And frequently it involves exercising privelege to get the right people involved.

So knowing what I know now a lot of my life suddenly makes sense. People accusing me of being manipulative when I literally don't know what it is that makes them think that? Severe miscommunications? Obsessing over specific topics to the point where people want to avoid me? Always being "the weird one" and as a result being a social outcast from day 1? Despite being considered very intelligent, I've been super easily manipulated by people my whole life. I can barely ever tell a person no, even if I know I should. Hell. There have been entire relationships I've had with people where I thought we were friends and they didn't think the same thing. Learning who or even how to trust becomes a challenge.

Yeah, it all makes sense now. I want to say "i don't know how they didn't see it", but I do. The 90s was shit for mental health. Since they knew I had tourettes (thanks for that, universe) and adhd, my obsessive tendencies were labeled ocd. Actual adult relationships have gone entirely to shit because of miscommunication. People seem to think I mean one thing when I mean another entirely. People think I'm angry when I'm not. I've basically been told never to be passionate about a topic.

How does a person handle that? It doesn't unfuck relationships with people. Once someone thinks you're lying and manipulating that's it. Nothing you can ever say will ever dissuade them. It doesn't matter that they were the ones that misunderstood. Somehow it becomes the fault of the autistic person. And good luck if you're ever autistic and have a panic attack. So I'm trying not to care about that. It's hard. It's especially hard knowing that things didn't have to, and may not have gone the way they did if i had known about it earlier. I wish I could rebuild certsin relationships. My wife and I used to fight, but since we realized that both of us have these triggers because we're both autistic, we resolve almost every misunderstanding like a walk in the park. But that doesn't work with people you haven't spoken to in years. Even if a lot of it was frankly their fault.

•And the latest fuckery? I have no idea what gender I am. If I had the power to shapeshift I'd probably change on a daily or hourly basis. I had an alt account years ago where I posted fanfiction. Some people in the community assumed they knew my gender and pronouned me as such in the comments. That was the first time I had ever experienced gender euphoria. I was....upset, when someone corrected them. Would have been nice if they asked me first. I enjoyed the confusion quite a lot actually. And since I have a terrible time coming up with names for things (my screen name is from 20 years ago and I never figured out a new one) so I don't know where I would start building up a new persona. And for what? To get the rush of people not knowing which pronouns to use? I hate it. I want it. I don't know if I can ever come out as trans. People think trans means m2f and f2m, and it doesn't really matter to the public consciousness that there's more to it than that. I want to scream at people that I'm trans, but i don't know what I even want my body to look like. If I woke up tomorrow and I was suddenly transformed would I be happy? I have no idea. No? Yes?

I don't know who I am or how to even identify. I'm a disabled, autistic, lgbtq ethnic minority with no financial freedom, and my 40s are approaching. Life is a challenge. Sometimes I wish I could just Danny Phantom it up. And by sometimes I mean daily.

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kindacompetentlawstudent · 5 years

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ADHD/Autism rant

Hi there Internet. I felt like sharing this but I didn’t know where so yeah. Little storytime: I was diagnosed with ADHD and a form of Autism disorder when I was eight years old. Before that time I had already had a year of therapy under my belt and after my diagnosis, a year would turn into more than a decade of therapy. Now, it is not like I was in therapy 40 hours a week constantly, however I was still in therapy at least 5 days a month. This time was spent telling me about my disorder in a way that an eight-year-old can understand, explaining emotions, feelings and actions that other people may feel/do/have to me, showing me that things I say and/or do have consequences, getting me on medication (stay until later in the rant for that part), and most importantly, teaching me how to look other people in the eye. I do not know if anyone else with my disorder has had these problems, but until I was 15, I could not look people in the eye. I dont know how or what, I just could not. It is a form of anxiety that I to this day sometimes have. With these years of therapy also came middle school, high school, puberty, boys/girls (hi im bi), feelings, emotions, homework, failure, trauma, loss, friends, fights and so on. I never relied on my disorder to get me through life. Personally, I never wanted to tell people that were not close to me about my diagnosis because, for a while, I was insanely ashamed of it. I thought of it as a disease, as something that disqualified me, as something that held me back. I just wanted to be normal. I did not want special treatment, I did not want to be called out in front of the class because I had extra time on a test. I did not want my teachers to know I was different. Mainly because when I started in 6th grade (which in my country is starting highschool, I did the equivalent of doing all AP classes/ Gymnasium), when I asked my history teacher a question and then drifted off for a second and could not look him in the eye when i answered, he called me out in front of my entire NEW CLASS, and said I was being disrespectful. I have never ever been so ashamed. Since that day I vowed to never ever tell teachers I was different. Of course they knew, because every teacher has a file on their student in the class, but I never explicitly told them. Just like my classmates. Sure, everyone kinda sorta knew, and when jokes were made I would laugh along, but I did not like it. I tried my hardest to fit in, be normal, look normal, talk normal, be a regular girl. I quit therapy at sixteen, claiming I didn’t need it anymore, and started drinking and partying like a teenager (just like everybody else thanks) in junior year. I still studied hard, got my highschool diploma just under cum laude and got into a law program. That was a year ago. Last week, while taking a walk after lecture with my friends, I stumbled upon a street that looked familiar. My friends walked down the street, ignoring the signs that I still remembered so viciously. After a short walk we ended up at a university facility, but not just any facility. I stood on the bridge to the mental facility, where, almost a decade before to the day, I was told I was different. And while my friends were chatting and making kind of weird jokes about it being “haunted” or the crazies living there, I completely and utterly broke down inside. I stood there, now eightteen years old, thinking back at the utterly terrified seven year old that had also stood on that bridge, with her parents, on her way to being told that she is different, being told an explanation that her parents are so goddamn glad to hear, because finally there is an answer, she is not broken, and not understanding the explanation herself. I saw the ten-year-old, coming in for her 5th appointment in 3 weeks, because her medication has made her unbearable to her peers. I see that same girl at 12, starting at a new school and at the same time still being taught how to talk to people.I see the 15-year-old, who feels so broken inside because it is eating at her that people just don't get her and her feelings. She just does not know how to express herself. I see the sixteen-year-old, being brought in because she overdosed on that same medication and now has to go and tell the doctor why she did it. I see the seventeen-year-old, who, while dealing with senior year, her sexuality, recovering from both a car accident and torn ligaments in her ankle, has to also deal with a friend trying to commit public suicide via snapchat and then being diagnosed with borderline. That seventeen year old thought her world was done, she was done and she could not take anymore. That seventeen-year-old that went back into therapy, kicking and screaming, claiming she was fine when she oh so clearly wasn’t. And then, finally, I see the 18-year-old. Me. Now. I see the girl that has persevered all these years, who benefitted from therapy one way or another. I see the girl, who in a years time, found friends that accept her and the fact that sometimes, she does not understand their feelings. I see a girl who embraces her “flaws” and is not afraid to tell people if they’re being an ass or doing something she doesn’t like. I see a girl, who at 14 did not know how to control her emotions, being a graceful, loving, caring, accepting friend. I see a girl who was so close to an overdose, twice, and some form of clinically depressed for at least 3 years, be happy, be free, be herself, for what she thinks is the first time in ten years. So, as we stood there, looking at the building, I told my friends. I told my friends about the building, about what happened in there, and about what it meant to me. As we walked back to campus, I looked over my shoulder and saw my past, of which I was ashamed for so many years. I looked beside me, and saw my present, which was happy, loving and fun. Then I looked forward, and even though you can’t see into the future, when the fresh may sunshine hit my face, I felt like my future might be very bright. I know this was not posted during autism awareness day, however i wanted to tell this story because it means so much to me. Thanks autism/adhd, for everything. If you have made it this far, thank you for listening to my story. Thank you for allowing me to tell you about my life in a way I have never before. I do not seek pity, empathy or anything. I just wanted to tell my story. Rise up, wise up, eyes up.

#autism #adhd #storytime #univeristy #austismawareness #rant

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iwaxallmysplines · 6 years

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I’m back from my appointment at the autism place! It... went better than last time, by which I mean that I did, in fact, actually make it to the appointment. It was a stressful drive - I was a bit late, I wasn’t sure of my directions, and I haven’t slept enough the past three nights in a row - but I found the place and was only about ten minutes late. A last hug from my stuffed horse, and I went inside.

To the second floor. Where I was told to go. There was no one there except a woman (therapist??) with a small child. They had a huge red ball and were in a room with an open door. I stayed out in the hallway, wandered around a bit, started to freak out, and at last sat down and started chewing. I thus became... Even Later.

(Chewing did calm me down a good bit, though, so it was definitely worth it.)

Finally an old woman came up the stairs, asked me if I was me, and I gathered that I was in the wrong place and should have been on the first floor (ie, the first above the ground floor, so sort of the second, but they ARE actually labeled with numbers so this wasn’t just a miscommunication, I had actually been told the wrong thing). So this was basically off to A Bad Start!

I had been really hoping that being in an autism-centered environment would make my social anxiety easier. It... did not. I spent the entire time feeling like I was being judged, badly, and... it was not good. There were two people there - the old woman and a man - and both introduced themselves but I didn’t remember their names. The old woman kept trying to make eye contact. Like, A Lot of eye contact. We were around a round table and I was sort of next to her so maybe that made it worse but she kept pretty much craning her head to get her eye contact in, which was pretty uncomfortable in an autistic way, and also made me feel like I came up wanting in a social anxiety way. Not a great combination of conditions, here.

So it wasn’t a great experience. It wasn’t super helpful, either, unfortunately: they strongly advised me to seek a diagnosis, but also told me that getting a diagnosis is basically impossible because the only places nearby that do it won’t take patients from as far away as I am. They advised me to try a certain therapist, but also he’s not taking patients right now and he’s also in Heilbronn, so that’s three hours driving time in total, which I really don’t want to commit to on a weekly basis. They talked about jobs and how with my level of education (none at all) I’m completely fucked. They gave me a number of someone to talk to about assistance and stuff, but... social anxiety kicked in and told me I should not attempt to get that assistance.

Basically the only useful thing they gave me was the advice that a certain much closer place might do diagnoses, and I should look into that. That’s sort of helpful, I guess? And I did get that contact info, I just don’t want to use it. And... yeah.

So I left feeling not-good, and then when I got outside I saw a sticky note on my car saying I should not have parked the way I did and never to do it again, at which point I started feeling really terrible and also felt like I should get out of there as soon as possible instead of stimming to calm down. So I just tried to drive home. And took a wrong turn, and drove down the wrong highway. And turned around, and got back on the right highway, and promptly got stuck in traffic.

At least I didn’t have an appointment to get to. Actually, in this case being stuck in traffic was almost good: it gave me a chance to hug my horse and fidget my spinner, and I chewed the whole way back. During which I got lost. Twice. Three times, maybe.

(On the plus side, I did drive over the highest bridge in Germany, which I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t gotten lost. On the minus side, due to the high opaque railing there wasn’t really a view.)

So, not a very good experience on the whole, and I’m not at all sure what the next step is now or that this appointment even really did me much good. I am glad that I managed it, though.

Go me.

#personal #autista #autista heilbronn #actuallyautistic #autism adventures

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mental-health-advice · 4 years

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Submission About Seeking Therapy

Hello! So I actually have a few things (apologies in advance, both for length— had to take out some context due to length restriction— and it kind of being all over the place)

Context: I’ve been trying to get help and my university’s counselling centre keeps rejecting me (the reason can be oversimplified into: overbooked + they think I’m “well off”), so I’ve been doing “unofficial sessions” with counsellors (for example, a walk-in pairs you randomly with the first available counsellor and is typically for something minor. Everything is confidential, but it’s unofficial and all that) as I didn’t have access to other options as I can’t drive (due to medical reasons and, due to this area, no means for transportation at the time. I can’t afford something like Uber and there’s no public transportation) and my insurance didn’t really taking any online/virtual sessions (and the places that take my insurance didn’t do video appointment). Now, due to it being summer (and the virus), I have more options (e.g., insurance now covers videos appointments, as long as they’re from a place that takes my insurance, and relatives willing to drive me places)…although my privacy not being respected (by relatives) is an issue for virtual therapy.During the “unofficial sessions”, the counsellors (multiple) suggested I bring up the possibility of having a personality disorder (+ some possible [autism] spectrum-y stuff) due to some red flags (constantly wearing a mask, inability to feel guilt, lack of compassion, sympathy and empathy, unable to read emotional cues, unconcerned for the feelings of others and inability to “determine” them and only caring for social norms, rules and obligations to avoid certain negative consequences). If I do have a personality disorder, I don’t really want to “treat” it (it has benefits), but there are a few things I would like help coping with (e.g., wearing a “mask” constantly is draining, but my personality without it doesn’t really get along with society and can cause major issues, and how to interact with people during those times I can’t “recharge” by being alone and the mask is cracking)…if that makes sense. Also, if I do have one, I can see a diagnosis/label being useful.

I also have trauma (unlikely to be classified as PTSD though; I don’t meet the DMS criteria. Also doesn’t fit CPTSD. To clarify: I’m not saying to negate it or minimise it or anything like that. I’m stating it more for context) from about 6 years of emotional and verbal abuse (with the occasional threat involving things like finances and, once I was an adult, getting kicked out as well as “minor” physical aggressions like slamming doors— never got physically hurt from it or anything like that which is part of the reason nobody did anything despite constantly trying to get help) from mother’s boyfriend and I would like to see if I can get help with it now that I’ve escaped into a healthier environment (escaped the ending of November when I was kicked out. Currently staying with grandparents). Also, occasionally, when I interact with certain people (e.g., therapists who aren’t for me), I get “negative pleasure” (not sure how to describe. Not an emotion. Interactions are just…draining. Usually they’re “neutral”; I don’t get any “positive” or “negative” from interactions…is that makes any sense?) from interactions (with everyone) for a good while of alone time to recover (last time it was one or two months)

Questions: - Any tips for privacy if I do virtual therapy when relatives don’t respect boundaries (no matter what I do/say and I’ve tried/said a lot)? (Not as important as I can wait until in-person sessions and a relative can drive me. Plus the place I plan on going to might not do video appointments) - How many sessions should I give the therapist before deciding if I need a new one/they’re “incompatible” (assuming they’re don’t say/do something that’s a flag of sorts)? - How do I cope, if needed, with the “negative pleasure” (to give the new therapist a fair chance)? - When and how should I go about bring up the different things (trauma, possible personality disorder and etc) to the therapist?

(Please tag as: ⭐︎)

Hey there!

Thank you for your submission, I hope that I’m able to give you some advice on this. It sounds as if you’ve had a time of it trying to seek out some proper professional help, but I think it’s great you’re trying despite everything that seems to be in the way for you. From your unofficial therapy sessions, it seems the therapists think there might be a diagnosis to make there. I think that if you feel comfortable, discussing this with your doctor might be a good idea. Getting a diagnosis does not mean you have to medicate anything, but having a doctor talk through with you all your options and the pros and cons of each could help you make a well informed decisions about what is best for you. And I think that’s the most important thing at the moment. I’ll just number each questions as I’m answering as you have 4 separate ones, just to make things a bit clearer for you!

1. Privacy in this time is tricky, as we’re all cooped up at home, many of us with family or partners or friends. I had to call my doctor recently, and my mum is quite nosy and would listen in if I told her and I didn’t want her to just walk in and I hadn’t told her I was calling the doctors, so I went for a walk! I used the consulting software on my phone, and walked while I video chatted. Somewhere quiet of course, but this is the great thing with it being a video call - you can do it from anywhere! If you can’t leave the house for your countries current restrictions, there are a couple of things you could potentially do. One, put some music on in your room at a reasonable volume so you can still hear, maybe some speakers next to the door, so family can’t listen in. Also, therapists are aware at the moment there are certain things people wont want to say while at home because of this reason, so there might be a a chat box where you can type things instead, or your therapist may ask you yes or no questions so you can narrow it down. They’ll have had some experience of this by now, so likely they can also talk you through how to deal with this.

2. With regards to how many sessions you give someone, it’s really like asking how long is a piece of string. I guess it depends on the nature of the sessions you’re given. When I went for counselling through my university, I only had 6 sessions. For some, weekly sessions are indefinite and are for as long as they are needed. If you have 6 weeks like I did, for me it didn’t make sense to change therapist as it was such a short amount of time I felt I wouldn’t get much from changing at any point. Honestly, there’s no definite answer to this. Try and approach your therapy sessions with as open a mind as possible - they’re trained and there to help you. If there’s a certain thing that they do that you don’t like, or something that they say which upset you in any way, try your best to be open and let them know. Generally, I wouldn’t stay for too long with someone who you don’t think is giving you any benefit or helping you deal with your issues - it does take a couple of weeks I found to get into some kind of dynamic and understand their ways of working, and if you were incompatible I would think that you’d tell sooner rather than later.

3. For dealing with this negative pleasure, I’m not sure I fully understand what you’re describing, I’m not sure if it’s the way it’s been worded but I think what I’m getting from it is that from dealing with particular people, you sometimes prefer the negative dynamic as opposed to the neutral one? And that you want to try and be as receptive as possible to new therapists? If this is wrong just follow up and let me know if I haven’t answered your question! I would again say that honesty and openness with your therapist is key - you could let them know from the start about this feeling you sometimes have, and maybe they could talk through certain things that would make you turn into this emotion so they can avoid it as best they can. Perhaps taking some time to reflect after each session and evaluating how you feel, how your therapist communicated, how you communicated, what went well and what you didn’t like (and why) could help give you a better perspective on the situation, and can also help in general process the discussions had in therapy.

4. I would say that when you are in therapy, one of the first things after a get to know you session is typically what brings you to therapy and what you want to get from it. This is a great importunity to explain from your unofficial sessions your therapists thought that there might be a personality disorder, and that you have dealt with some trauma in the past also. The first session being so open and upfront with a therapist can be uncomfortable, but it really helps lay foundations for productive sessions in the future. You of course don’t have to dive in to every detail of your trauma session one, and if you’re feeling uncomfortable about certain topics or details for the moment - communicate that! Therapist will slowly guided you toward conversations at a pace that;s good for you, and if you think it’s too fast or too much at once you can just say ‘I don’t feel ready to talk about that in detail yet.’ The therapist is there for you at the end of the day, and is there to help you talk through what it is you need to.

I hope that this has answered all your questions - sorry it’s a bit lengthy! This however is just my advice from my own experience, so feel free to take on board or ignore anything I’ve said based on how well it related to you. I hope you manage to secure yourself some therapy, and are able to work through some of your issues.

Take Care,

Hollie x

#mhahollie #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #therapy #professional diagnosis #seeing a professional #coronavirus #personality disorder #trauma #⭐︎

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sigyn2012 · 5 years

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The Emergency Debacle

I knew going into my position at work that it would be stressful because self-advocacy can be a very stressful situation; particularly when dealing with outdated attitudes and ideologies across all spectrums(politically and sociological). It’s even more stressful when the person who is doing this position has a disability of their own as well. I have autism and I know all too well what happens when you don’t get the proper diagnosis in a timely fashion as I wasn’t diagnosed until I was a teenager and therefore didn’t get the help I really needed. I also know what it’s like to be royally screwed over on a constant basis by teachers, counselors, administrators, providers, county/state agencies, psychologists, psychiatrists, and the community at large; this has resulted in me nearly dying multiple times while I was in an extremely abusive group home, only to be blamed for said abuse and no one getting in trouble for what happened(not even a written reprimand), having to fight for the right to be my own guardian in 2008-2009, finding out nearly twenty years too late that I have a rather extreme case of PTSD due to incomprehensible amounts of bullying in school, an unstable home life, the group home from the nth gate of hell, the horrible experiences at a sheltered workshop, being sexually abused as a child, and enduring a few domestic abuse relationships and therefore I’m considered to have a chronic form of the condition, and being hepped up on so many medications over the years that it’s a miracle I don’t have liver damage. I got involved in self-advocacy so that no one else would ever go through what I went through; I even became a whistleblower in Minnesota because I found out about extensive fraud, embezzlement, and extortion going on in groups/organizations connected to self-advocacy and even though I was barred from being in self-advocacy in Minnesota and lost nearly all my friends as a result, I know that I did the right thing(it’s also one of the few areas where I have a decent amount of ethics which may or may not be a good thing). You would think that with all the shit I went through in Minnesota that I’d be a hot mess stress-wise on a good day; you’d be wrong because the job I’m currently in is actually starting to cause physical issues for me stress-wise. Three weeks ago, I started having pain in my abdomen and it kept getting worse. I didn’t have a fever and my bowel movements were fine so I thought maybe it was something I ate and I was dealing with food poisoning. I was nauseous however and no amount of TUMS was getting heartburn to go away. It eventually got so bad that I could barely get out of bed and I went to urgent care as I’m still on a waiting list for a regular doctor due to few places taking my insurance(I’ve had that problem for many years). I was seen right away and the doctor was concerned about my blood pressure as it was 165/110 and I’ve never had it that high before. I had to have an emergency EKG because of this and everything turned out normal. I then had to have a bunch of bloodwork and provide a urine sample. The bloodwork came back fine except for the usual issue of high iron levels yet laughably low hemoglobin levels and the white blood count was a bit low. The urine sample was fine and even though I haven’t been with anyone since January 31st, 2014; it was confirmed that I wasn’t pregnant. I then had an emergency ultrasound on my abdomen and they looked for everything you could think of because they didn’t want me to have anything life threatening. The ultrasound came back normal with only a couple of things that were considered age related; I have fatty liver and there was some residualization/vascularity in my pancreas. The doctor gave me omeprazole for two weeks and I had to do a bland diet to make sure I didn’t have an ulcer or something related to that. That was grueling because I was so hungry the whole time and things got boring fast. The omeprazole cleared up the heartburn and it was confirmed that it was indeed stress that was causing the issues. When the doctor asked me if I was under stress, I told the doctor everything that was stressing me out and I was told that I need to find another job as he’s afraid that I will have a cardiac issue of the stress gets any worse. I didn’t mention the stress I get from family because there’s nothing I can do about that. To give you an understanding of what is stressing me out so much; I’ll give you a brief overview followed by going into further detail about everything. The stress has nothing to do with my job as a whole because if that was the case, I would’ve stroked out a long time ago. The stress is being caused by two people: the board president and his dad. Normally I would be more than happy than to name them, however, because the board president’s maternal and paternal families come from a decent amount of money and have major respect and reputations throughout North Dakota, I can’t do it because I’ll be kicked out of yet another state in terms of self-advocacy. The board president is in his mid-20s and has cerebral palsy, an extreme case of generalized anxiety disorder, and no intellectual/cognitive issues. He has a baclofen pump due to extreme spasticity and because he has swallowing issues. He also drinks a rather unhealthy amount of water and if it’s really because his phlegm is so extensive, I’m surprised he doesn’t have cystic fibrosis or diabetes. He is a college graduate with a bachelors degree in theology. He may be nice and innocent in public, however, he is manipulative, sets impossible expectations which set people up to fail, and he’s creepy. When I have a meeting at his house because it’s much more accessible than my apartment(plus I’m not lugging his wheelchair up and down a flight of stairs), he dismisses his staff for the evening and then I’m forced to be his CNA/LPN because when he dismisses his staff for the evening, the college age staff people immediately go to the bar and turn off their phones. The head nurse is unable to be reached as she has a dozen other clients in the building and several of them have complex medical issues. I’ve talked to the head nurse, the board president, my supervisors, his provider, and even his family about this and I’m brushed off because even though I’m not qualified to that in any capacity, whatever the board president wants, he gets. He’s done this to me dozens of times and if I try to leave, he’ll call people and I’ll get in trouble because ‘l’m not being a good liaison and I’m not doing my job’. The board president also expects me to get groups going in all cities with at least 50 people and have 100% participation at all times. I don’t have the time, money, and manpower for such a thing. Also, the smallest city in North Dakota is Ruso, which has 4 people in it; how in the hell am I supposed to come up with a minimum of 50 people in that community? When I try to give him a sound reasonable explanation on how that is impossible for me to do; he’ll call his dad and his dad will drive from Belfield to Bismarck and yell and scream at me for hours at end and I’m not allowed to leave because I’ll get reprimanded by my supervisors because they don’t want to have to deal with him or his dad at all. The board president is named after his dad and his dad served two terms as president before the current board president was elected. His dad has a very mild/mild intellectual disability, a rather severe case of stammering, one of the worst cases of generalized anxiety disorder I’ve ever seen, and is a malignant narcissist. He is very tyrannical and is a major dictator on everything and anything. He is extremely manipulative, money hungry, power hungry, and a dirty old man as well. The only person who is glad to see him is the board president; everyone else’s blood pressure goes through the ceiling when he walks in and I’m surprised his wife has managed to not kill him after all these years(the board president’s mom was his first wife and they divorced when the board president was three; she also has an intellectual disability caused by a TBI when she was 2 months old, one of the worst cases of generalized anxiety disorder I’ve ever seen and one of the worst cases of obsessive compulsive disorder I’ve ever seen; I had to ‘babysit’ them once due to a medical emergency that someone in the family was going through and I was heavily debating on how big of a prison sentence I wanted because I was at the breaking point. Thankfully, the second wife is really decent, although, she rarely speaks due to her fear of her husband). His dad is basically using his son as a puppet to further his agenda. The board president has tried on several occasions to hit on me and when he tried to get really close to me the last time I had a meeting with him, I walked out of his apartment because I’d had enough. I talked to my supervisors thinking that they’d understand as they’re women and I’m sure they’ve dealt with this before; it got brushed to the side once again and he still gets to keep his job, I’ve even been told that because of the strategic planning session we had on the 30th(virtually nothing got done), I’ll have to spend more time with him; even though they’re aware of how creepy he is and they know that he and his dad are the source of the stress that is causing physical issues. It’s like they’re trying to see how much I can take before I resign, have a major medical issue, or end up in prison because I couldn’t take it anymore and didn’t care how long of a sentence it’d be. I can totally see why they’ve lost nearly two thirds of their staff in three years and why the places that give us grant money are nervous as hell because this is just a walking disaster and then some(not to mention the shockingly high amount of potential legal issues). I really need to find another job because if I’m forced to have a major medical issue, have the permanent mental breakdown that’s been looming for over 10 years, end up in prison for multiple life sentences, or die in order for this to be looked at; I’m going out in a blaze of glory and I’ll be in ‘nothing to lose’ mode something fierce.

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North Wales Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 19454

"North Wales Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 19454

North Wales Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 19454

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i did a quote and the cheapest is 6334? how can they charge so much, his friend got a quote on a similar car for 854? any tips?""

How much will my insurance rise?

I recently got a speeding ticket for going 9 over in a school zone as well as one for talking on a cell phone in a school zone. I was curious as to how much my insurance will rise. I am 18 and recieved the ticket in Texas. This is my first offense(s). How many points for insurance is a cell phone ticket? Thanks so much!

Car insurance 19 year old better to get insured on car with parents as registered owners?

My dads car insurance will not insure me on his car even though its a Peugeot 106 1.4L engine. He says that it is cheaper to insure me if the car is under his name but that will require him to change his insurance company. Is it even the case that the insurance is cheaper beacaure when i select myself asa the registered owner of the vehicle and legal owner the price that they quote is the same. So, of i buy a car does he really need to be the registered owner?""

North Wales Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 19454

17 year old car insurance?

Ive got a car and should (hopefully!) be passing my test soon but for reasons to complicated to list here lol I will only be able to drive it 2 weeks in easter time, 2 weeks in christmas time, 5 weeks around august and 4 days every 5 weeks, so by my bad maths thats just over 100 days. Are there any insurance companies for a 17 year old that you can get a fixed amount of days insurance, it seems such a waste to pay for 365 days if im only going to be able to use it for just under a third of the time. I read about some companies doing 60 or 90 days for young drivers but that might have been me mis-reading it, anyone hear about anything like that? Ive tried lowering the amount of miles on quotes but that hasnt reduced the price by much at all. I was hoping for quite a substantial saving. Any help would be greatly appreciated, Thanks.""

How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

last week i hit a deer with my car, not on purpose on accident the deer rain right out in front of my car and it messed up my car pretty badly, i cant open my right passenger front door, and i have an adjuster coming out to look at my ca will they cut me a check right today that is what someone had told me i was wondering if that is true or not.""

General concepts of health insurance?

What are the general concepts of health insurance? What arevarious types of private health insurance options? Difference between them?

Is car insurance any cheaper for a pensioner if he do'snt work?

I am 67 and just finished working, when I renew my car insurance in a month's time, should I expect it to make a difference to the premium.""

Motorycle Insurance (NY)?

I am looking into buying a bike now, but before i do, i want to know, how much is the average amount an 18 yr old male would pay per month for insurance. I'm not looking for insurance sites that i can get a quote from, since i have not decided on the bike to get so any quote might be off. Any roundabout estimate would be very helpful, plus if u can recommend a bike that wouldnt cost me a fortune that'd be helpful too =)""

""DO MEMBERS OF CONGRESS HAVE TO GET THE NEW HEALTH INSURANCE? IF NO, THEN WHY NOT?

I have read on comments under articles on Yahoo and someone said they are required to get the same health insurance but i can not find this on any news article.

Insurance companies?

Why do insurance companies charge motorists so much?

How much does does watercraft rental insurance cost?

I want to start a watercraft rental company, but I want to know how much insurance costs are going to be before I start it. If there are any companys out there who already have a watercraft rental business, or any agents that can answer my question that would be great. I plan on having about 4 or 5 jet ski's, 2 jet boats, 1 ski boat, 2 jon boats, 2 sail boats 1 pontoon boat, and 5 canoes, and 5 kayaks. So if anyone can help with this please let me know, thanks!""

Does getting married change your insurance?

I am currently covered by my parents health and dental insurance plan, but if I were to be wedded, would I no longer be able to use their insurance? I've been told that it changes, but I've also been told It is no longer like that anymore since Obamacare.""

""Were and how I can get car insurance in Europe for my american car, and how much is that( annually)?""

I would like to drive my car all over the Europe, but were I can obtail insurance ( green card ) for EU""

""I am a legal alien about to stay in an American residence, do i need to be on the car insurance?""

I am about to study abroad in America and live with an American in her house. Do I need to be on her car insurance even though I will not be driving the car, and do not have an American driving license?""

Insurance on a 2004 lamborghin gallado?

how much would it cost a month for insurance min to max and what do you pay for insurance

Young driver car insurance?

I am a nineteen year old male struggling to find cheap car insurance. any ideas.?

How much more will my insurance charge me?

I'm about to get my license at age 18 and I want to buy a really nice turbo charged car...how much more will it be vs a non turbo car

Why is it that you pay all this money for car insurance?

Why is it that you pay all this money for car insurance and after an accident you still need to pay a deductible? Think about this; if you payed $200 a month for 5 yrs without an accident; that's $12,000; you would still need to pay a deductible to get your car fix and your premiums will go up. That's enough money to buy a new compact car. Just curious to see if anyone has the answer.""

Health insurance question?

i am going to see a doctor tomorrow for something that has been bothering me for 2 years but ive only had my insurance for 1 year but before i had my insurance i did not see a doctor for the problem i had.... so what im asking is if i tell her i have been having the problem for 2 years will my insurance not pay for it since they consider that preexisting even though i have never seen a doctor for it before my insurance i have bluecross blueshield ppo plan

BMW car insurance?

my car insurance doesnt provide anything with mechanical problems, is there any other way on this or is it a dead end?""

How much would insurance be for a 16 year old in GA?

I'm 16, I own a 2005 Chevrolet Cavalier LS Sport- 2 door, live in Athens, GA, drive less than 7,000 miles annually, drive to and from work and school 5 days a week... haha. I just want to know how much it would be monthly for car insurance on any of the companies. Any help would be appreciated. :)""

Pittsburgh car (auto) insurance?

Where can I get auto insurance in Pittsburgh? What do you recommend? I bought a car recently and I'd like to find a cheap way to insure it.

What does university health insurance cover?

I have the insurance through school, which is first health insurance. The physicians I want to visit are covered in the insurance network, but I'm not sure what the fees will be. Does anyone have similar insurance, if so, please let me know what to expect. Thanks!""

What makes a good car insurance company?

Besides affordable rates.

How will my finance company know if i change my car insurance coverage?

im leaving to basic training next week and i was going to drop my car insurance coverage down to just storage insurance because my car is going to be stored and under a car cover at my fathers house while i am away. my car insurance company suggested before i make the change that i contact my finance company and make sure that there would be no issue if i did this, how ever the finance company said i could only do this if i literally go and rent a storage unit and keep my car there, AND i have to be deployed, simply being away at training is not enough. If i go ahead and reduce my coverage to storage insurance, how would my finance company know, im sure there has to be some way they would find out.""

About how much money does car insurance cost?

Im 15 going to be 16. Wondering how much money car insurance would cost. I would be getting my parents old car.

What is insurance groups?

ex:this car is insurance group 19. whats that mean? and which numbers are cheap ones?

""If healthy foods were more affordable, would health insurance be cheaper?""

It irritates me beyond words that people these days are almost forced to have a poor diet because junk food is more affordable. Then, the health risks associated with eating junk food cause more people in the hospital, more money being shucked at pharmaceutical companies for medicine to treat the diseases cause by poor diets, and health insurance and taxes we all have to pay for regardless of how healthy we try to be. I mean, if a packet of Ramen noodles is 50 cents and an apple is $1.50, the majority of the financially stressed nation is going to reach for the Ramen. I would love to eat mostly raw fruits and veggies all day long, but I simply can't afford that and it makes me feel like the government is forcing me to eat crappy foods in order to survive. Why are healthy foods so expensive? And wouldn't it factor out in the end to reduce the price of healthy foods knowing a lot of money would no longer have to be forked out for doctor's visits?""

North Wales Pennsylvania Cheap car insurance quotes zip 19454

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