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schizodiaries · 6 months

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a guide to hearing voices

(Note: this information was given to me by my therapist and is not my original writing. The information provided in this post comes from the UK based mental health charity known as Mind, and is paraphrased by me.)

What are voices?

A hallucination is a perception you may have that is not shared by those around you. Hearing voices is a type of auditory hallucination where you hear voices when no one is present, or that other people cannot hear. Some examples of voices you may hear include:

Hearing your name called when no one is around.

Hearing things as you fall asleep.

Feel as though you can hear other people’s thoughts.

Threatening voices that tell you to do dangerous things.

Friendly voices that encourage or support you.

Multiple voices arguing or talking with one another.

There are many reasons why you might hear voices. Some reasons include lack of sleep, hunger, physical illness, being under the influence of drugs, grief, abuse/bullying, physical illness, trauma, spiritual experiences, or mental health problems such as psychosis.

How can I help myself cope?

Understanding your voices and how they relate to your past may help you feel more in control, recognize when voices cause problems, stand up to your voice, or develop a better relationship with your voices so they don’t interfere with your life.

Some questions to help you think about how your voices relate to you are:

What was happening when I first heard voices?

Where was I and how was I feeling?

What did the voice say?

What did they sound like?

Do they represent a person or a problem?

Are there any patterns to the voices?

What do the voices want me to do?

What do I want to do?

It may be helpful to keep a diary and record when you hear voices or what they say. This can help you identify patterns and understand how they affect you over a period of time.

Here are some suggestions to help you feel more in control of your voices:

Ignore them, block them out, or distract yourself.

Give them times when you agree to talk to them and times when you won’t.

Tell them to wait.

Stand up to them, ignore their commands and threats. They have no power over you.

Try to ignore the voices you don’t like, and focus on the ones you find easier to listen to.

Use grounding techniques, like taking note of the things you see, hear, smell, etc.

The recovery approach

This helps reframe the way we see recovery. The main principles of the recovery approach are:

Live the best life you can have the you can with your experiences and the consequences they’ve had.

Focusing on what you can do, not what you can’t.

Making your own choices and being your own person.

Seeing recovery as a journey, not a destination.

Seeing setbacks as ways of learning more about yourself.

Maintaining hope.

How other people can help

If someone you care about hears voices, you might find it hard to understand what they are experiencing. But there are many things you can do to help support them.

Accept that their experiences of voices are real, even if you don’t understand it.

Try not to make judgements about what hearing voices means for them.

Learn their triggers.

Remember that they are still the same person you’ve always known. Hearing voices doesn’t change who they are.

Ask them what would help, and avoid making assumptions.

Reassure them that they are not alone. There are lots of reasons why people hear voices.

Encourage them to talk about their experience. To you, to a doctor, or to a support group.

Learn more about the experience of hearing voices and fight the stigma.

Help them seek treatment and support, if they want it.

#mental wellness #psychosis #schizoaffective #hallucinations #hearing voices #coping skills #coping mechanisms #schizophrenia

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randomperson3736 · 11 months

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Visit my dreams

Paring(s): Evan "Buck" Buckley x reader

Genre: Sad

Warning(s): Mention of dead love one

Word bank: Y/N- your name

Summary: When the ladder truck tripped over, Buck not only got crashed but he also lost the most precious thing in his life.

Notes: I just finished watching season 6 of 911 and omg I have not stopped crying 😭 like they seriously need to give buck a break.

(Listen to this while reading)☝️☝️☝️

Buck couldn't stand it, he couldn't stay there for longer than 3 seconds.

"Hm? I think Buck would stay the longest at my grave"

He recalled, that moment cutting through his heart as it always does for whenever he's reminded that you'd expected him to stay the longest, when in reality he can't, it pains him. The smile you had as you said those words, you looked almost grateful about the conclusion you had.

Though he finds himself inside the jeep, looking outside the window. Avoiding the direction of you, the direction he dreaded. You weren't there, he hadn't accepted it. Parts of him never will, how could he? The love of his life is now underground, how could one achieve acceptance?

You were his whole world.

With you he was somebody, he had a purpose to live. A reason, a will, a lover.

Now that you're gone it's as if he's yet again pulled into the hole, where his voices controlled him. Where he can't sleep peacefully as he's gotten used to burying his head at the back of your head, cold. It felt cold and lonely.

But he can't run away from you forever, he's hurting, yes, but you'd be disappointed to see him in this state. He knew he needed you still, he needed it hold on longer, with every pit of strength he had left.

So, he pushed the car door open, striding terribly slow towards the direction of your grave– a place he refused to accept as your new home, because it wasn't. Your home was with him, in his arms. Not six feet under, under all that filth.

"It's been a long time huh?" He spoke, bitterly, standing in front of your grave. As he read again, your credentials, the details. He hated it.

"It's hard, Y/N, harder than before."

"Right now, It's hard to even breathe." He chuckled, "I don't know how I did it, you know? Be who I was before I met you."

"After– after the accident, life's been awfully quiet. Even at the fire house. Everyone's been quiet and more distant after you... left. I guess their just missing you just as much as I am." Buck took a deep breath before continuing. "I simply just hate having to wake up in our bed and be reminded that's your gone. It hurts Y/N."

Buck stared blankly at your grave as tears started to form at the corners of his eyes. He tried to keep them in but his emotions got the better of him. "If you're hearing me, can you... I don't know, visit my dreams?" His voice cracked as warm, salty tears rolled down his cheeks.

"I've called your phone, multiple times actully." He looked down, fiddling with his fingers. "Just to hear you, just to hear the voicemail."

"I know I didn't lose you, you're still here with me right? Our memories are here– if I choose to be petty I'd say I don't want the memories but saying that won't bring you back," he looked down at the flowers that people have brought to your grave. Buck tried to fight back the tears, so more didn't fall down because he didn't want you to see him cry, that'll make you upset and he didn't want that.

"I can't accept it, I probably never will. At the end of the day I'll find myself crying for you, because I can't forget you. I can't." Buck sighed heavily, bringing himself to sit down in front of 'you', plucking some of the grass on the ground as he distracted himself from the tears that still travelled down his face and the agonising lump on his throat.

"Nothing will make the pain go away. So please visit my dreams, so I can feel your embrace again... even if it's only for a little bit."

For the rest of his visit, Buck kept quiet. He didn't mind the silence, though he partly hated it because you weren't beside him enjoying it together with him. The more time passed, the more he felt himself crumble. The realisation was the worse, he hated it, you were really gone for the rest of his life.

"I love you, Y/N." His voice was so quite it was almost like a whisper. He placed his lips gently on your grave stone as he kissed you goodbye before slowly bringing himself up from the ground.

He wouldn't be able to set you free.

And he knew his heart will keep crying for you, until his silent calls reach you.

#evan buck buckely #911 #sad #fyp #the 118 #evan buckly x reader #x reader #911 x reader #911 buck #Spotify #buck imagine #911 fanfic #buck x reader #911 show #evan buckley x you #x yn #evan buckly sad #buck x yn

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scarletsaphire · 6 months

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Chapter 3 of EI for @pokkeshii and beta'd by @pricklenettle. No art for this chapter, but the next one...

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Trigger warnings for this chapter: Loss of control, implied/suspected drug use

Danny wasn't at school for the next three days.

Not that Dash paid any real attention to the comings and goings of that dweeb. The only reason he noticed was because he'd bombed a particularly important math test, and his resident stress reliever wasn't anywhere to be seen. Danny may have gotten better at flying under the radar since freshman year, but he wasn't that good. Dash had to make do with beating up some sophomore nerd he didn't even know the name of instead.

When Danny did finally show his face again, Dash nearly started laughing then and there. The boy looked rough. He'd never looked good, of course, but he looked especially bad now, even worse than he had before, which was bad. His hair was soaked with sweat, he kept his eyes firmly on the ground, and worst of all, he was shaking like a leaf.

Dash elbowed Kwan, who was busy chatting up some girl Dash didn't recognize. He looked over at where Dash gestured, before rolling his eyes. "You have fun with that, dude. I think I'm gonna keep enjoying myself over here."

The girl giggled.

Dash left Kwan to it, pushing his way through the crowd towards where Danny stood, hunched up against the lockers.

"Ah, did the last ghost fight scare you that much?"

Danny didn't reply.

"What, you had to go run and hide from the big scary ghosts? And you still come back looking like you’re about to piss yourself!"

Still no reply.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, Fenturd," Dash said, grabbing Danny by the shoulder. He intended to turn Danny's face towards him, maybe get a good look at his sniveling face while he cried for some extra material. It shouldn't have been hard; Fenton had always been a pushover, at least physically. Dash had roughed Danny up plenty of times before.

Instead of being met with Danny's face, Dash was looking directly at the floor and his arm was screaming in pain. He couldn't see Fenton at all, but he could feel one cold hand on his head, forcing him down, and the other twisting his arm behind his back. It was more than just the pain; wherever Fenton touched Dash, his skin crawled in an assimilation of pins and needles.

"Do you want to say that again, Dash?" Danny said. His voice was off somehow. He didn't sound different, but Dash knew there was something wrong. He could feel it in the way his heart started to pound in his chest and the blood rushed in his ears, how his thoughts seemed to scatter in a silent mantra of run run run run run run- "I said," Danny twisted his arm further, forcing Dash lower to the ground. "Do you want to say that again?"

"What the fuck, dude?" Dash hissed between gritted teeth. "I was just playing around!"

Danny twisted his arm further, and Dash did not start tearing up. He didn't. "Then it's only fair that I play back, right?"

Dash knew what breaking a bone felt like. He'd broken several over his quarterback career. He wouldn't go so far as to say he was used to it, but he was familiar with it. This wasn't a broken bone. There was a popping sound, and then pain exploded down his arm, so much sharper than it had been only moments ago. Dash couldn't suppress the cry of pain as he tried to wrench himself free to no avail. Fenton's grip was cold and strong, holding him tight like a vice. Even as Dash's arm went limp, Fenton just pushed harder.

He didn't know how long Fenton held him there for. Long enough that he’d given up on convincing himself that he wasn’t crying. Fenton might’ve decided to keep Dash there forever, if Mr. Lancer hadn't stepped in, wrenching the two of them apart. Dash fell to the floor, trying to clutch his injured arm to his chest. It wouldn't cooperate. He couldn't move it, couldn't feel it outside of the electric pain shooting out from his shoulder.

Sure, maybe Dash did cry. He could admit it to himself, if not to anyone else. It wasn't his fault though. Fenton was a thousand times more freaky than he'd ever imagined, even freakier than the ghosts. He couldn't blame himself for breaking down when getting so close to someone- no, some thing as unnatural as that.

---

Maddie tried to make a habit of not setting expectations for the day. She made plans and goals, of course, but she never set out with an expectation. It was a recipe for a bad day, in her opinion, and she tried to avoid those. Which is why saying she did not expect a call from the school did not come lightly.

She knew that Danny wasn't a good student. It would've been impossible for her to miss his less than stellar grades and positively horrendous attendance record. Jack and her had spent all of his freshman year and most of his sophomore trying to encourage him to try harder, but when it didn't work, they accepted it. He just wasn't as academically inclined as the rest of his family was, and there was nothing wrong with that. Or maybe it was just high school; Jack had been held back because he couldn't pay attention, so it wasn't out of the question.

The school had come to the same results for all the wrong reasons. Maddie knew they'd given up on Danny and were just funneling him through the system, and while she was incredibly disappointed, she did understand. Danny simply wasn't motivated, and there wasn't anything they could do to change that.

With all of that said, Danny had never been a bad kid. Even when he was little, he'd always been such a sweet child, always following her around in the lab to try and help, or carrying down plates of food bigger than he was whenever Maddie or Jack forgot to eat. He'd always been kind and caring and sweet and gentle.

And yes, he'd been different lately, even more so than normal. He refused to talk about what had him so jumpy, but Jazz had told her that he'd gotten into a fight with his friends. It was unfortunate, and surprising. The three of them had been nearly inseparable since freshman year, maybe even before that. But he wasn't aggressive or lashing out, just quiet and drawn back. The past few days had been even worse, with him refusing to come out of his room at all.

He'd said he was sick, with a messy note passed under the door. Maddie didn't quite believe him, but he was clearly not feeling well, so she left trays of food outside the door for him and let him rest. She believed him a lot more when he'd finally emerged that morning, looking like he hadn't slept at all in his self inflicted quarantine, sweaty and shaking. She'd tried to convince him to stay home and keep resting, but he'd insisted that he needed to go to school.

All of that was why the call from the school, that he had not only gotten into but had started a fight? To say that it was a shock was to put it lightly.

Maddie expected for him to be even worse looking than he had been. Danny knew how to fight, or at least did when he was younger. She'd spent most of his elementary school years teaching him and Jazz what she knew. If he had been in good health, then she'd have more faith in him, but when he'd left the house this morning he'd nearly been blown over by the wind. Maddie doubted he'd be able to win a fight against a paperclip, let alone a football player.

Instead, when she ran into the school office she found him sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs, staring at the wall, sitting perfectly still. He didn't have any bruises on his face or skin that she could see, no blood or scratches or anything that indicated that he was any worse for wear. If anything, Danny looked better than he had this morning.

His teacher, Mr. Lancer, stood next to him, his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. Maddie approached, but he didn't seem to notice her. He was standing next to Danny, tapping his foot on the ground rapidly.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Lancer," she said with a practiced smile on her face.

He visibly startled before clearing his throat and fixing his posture. "Oh, you're here," he said, wearing his own, clearly forced smile.

"I am," she said. She turned to face Danny. "Are you hurt?" Maddie asked softly. If what she had been told was true, she would lecture him later. It was more important to make sure he was okay. She continued when she didn't get a reply. "Mr. Lancer called and said you got into a fight...?"

Danny still didn't answer. He didn't so much as blink or turn his eyes to look at her. If Maddie didn't know any better, she'd say he wasn't breathing.

Mr. Lancer cleared his throat, and she looked up at him. "He isn't physically injured, as far as we could tell. Despite this, he hasn't been responding."

"And you took that to mean that he wasn't injured?" she asked, trying very hard to keep the anger out of her voice. "What if he'd been hit on the head? He should be in the hospital!"

"We did," Mr. Lancer replied drily. "It would've been nearly impossible for him to have been hit like that. There were a number of student witnesses, and Dash Baxter, the boy Danny instigated the fight with, was hardly given the chance to lift a finger. In contrast, Dash is currently in the hospital with a dislocated shoulder and a pinched nerve. I wonder where he learned to react in such a way." The last sentence was whispered, clearly intended to be for Mr. Lancer only.

Maddie pretended she didn't hear him. "Eye witness reports are all well and good, but did you at least have the school nurse look him over?"

"As much as we could," Mr. Lancer replied slowly.

"And what does that mean?" Maddie asked.

Mr. Lancer cleared his throat. "The nurse had some trouble getting close.”

"I'm sorry, I thought you said he wasn't responsive?" she asked incredulously.

"He isn’t," Mr. Lancer said. " Mostly. He didn’t react well when she tried to touch him. If you'd like to try and see for yourself, you're more than welcome to, but if I might be frank, I am up to here with your families escapades today. Daniel is going to be suspended for a week, and the Baxter's have decided to not press charges. Something that you should be very grateful for. Now, if you'll excuse me." Mr. Lancer walked briskly from the room, leaving Maddie and Danny more or less alone.

She turned back to him. He still sat just as he had before, as if he was part of the room's decoration. "I want you to know that you are in trouble," Maddie started. "But I want to make sure you're safe first, and then we can talk about punishment. Do you understand?"

She still got no response.

"Danny, I need you to talk to me. Or at least give me some kind of sign, it doesn't have to be words," she continued. "A head nod. Two blinks. A loud exhale."

Maddie got none of that. She sighed, and straightened. "Okay. I don't know what is wrong right now, but we're going to get you home, and then we are talking about this. Come on." She let her hand fall on his shoulder, intending to guide him out the door to the car. She didn't have the GAV today; Jack was buys with some kind of ghost snakes report across town.

Half of her expected to get some reaction when she touched his shoulder. Mr. Lancer had certainly made it seem like she should, but the only thing that happened was Danny standing up, and following her out to the car. He walked as if on autopilot, stumbling over the slight step down to the sidewalk below. If Maddie hadn't been there to catch him, it looked like he would have just face planted.

She pursed her lips. She didn't care what the teachers or nurses might say, something was wrong with her baby. That was clear as day. It was just going to have to fall to her to figure out what.

Maddie had to guide Danny into the backseat, had to buckle him in like she hadn't done since he was five. Her concern only grew as she went through the motions, having to raise his limp arm to get the seat belt under it. It took longer than she'd care to admit, and it wasn't for another good few minutes before she was climbing behind the driver's wheel. She let her eyes wander to Danny again in the rear view mirror before she started driving.

He was staring directly down at his lap, where his hands lay. She noticed then that they were clenched, the only part of his body that wasn't limp, gripped into fists so tight that she could see how his knuckles paled from the tension.

Maddie put the car in drive and tore her eyes away. She needed to get home, and she needed to think. She needed to figure out what was wrong.

Her first instinct was, unsurprisingly, overshadowing. Or maybe some other kind of possession. It would've explained the sudden difference in attitude recently. If Danny was trying to fight against it, it may also explain his not quite catatonic state, focusing all his energy inward to try and kick the ghost out. It would explain a lot, and it would be an easy enough fix. Maddie hoped it was just that.

She forced herself to think of other possibilities too. While possession would've been nice, she also knew that it was wishful thinking. Possession would mean her baby boy was just as sweet and kind and unbothered as ever, and that he was nothing more than a victim. It would've been terrible, that she couldn't keep him safe, but it would've been an easy fix. Maddie couldn't let her wishful thinking get in the way if it ended up being something else.

He could be sick, like he said, but that wouldn't explain why he was better now. He could have just been acting out, as the school seemed to think he was, but that wouldn't explain the sickness. Unless...

Amity Park didn't have the most alive drug culture. Maddie knew more about that than she'd care to admit. It wasn’t unusual for either her or Jack to be called to plenty of peoples bad trips for false ghost reports before they opened the portal, and it was always to the same couple places. It had been annoying of course, but educational. After the portal had opened, the false reports dropped substantially. Maddie didn't know if it was because the people stopped using when the real world was crazier than any drug trip they might have, or because now they could differentiate between the ghosts they saw and the real ghosts.

Either way, just because it wasn't as thriving as it was in other areas, didn't mean it wasn't a possibility. And the more Maddie thought of it, the more it seemed to fit. The shaking and sweating, the sudden sickness, the insistence that he needed to go to school... If he had managed to take something, it could describe his current state too.

Maddie took a deep breath through her nose. She wasn't going to panic yet. She just needed to make a plan. They were going to get home, and she was going to run tests for a possible possession. If they came back positive, she'd know exactly how to get whatever sorry excuse for a spirit that’d decided to target her baby out. She would make sure that it never happened again. If it came back negative, well...

Her eyes drifted to the mirror again for just a second, just enough to see Danny in the backseat, exactly as he had been when she started this drive. If her tests came back negative she'd figure something else out. He was her son, and she wasn't going to let him face whatever this was alone, no matter what.

—

They came back negative. Every test that Maddie did was negative, or as negative as they always did for Danny. Possession, overshadowing, excess ectocontaimination that might interfere with brain activity, everything. Negative across the board.

Maddie had hoped that it would be easy, but it was clear it wasn't. Danny still sat on the table in the lab, just as still as he had been for the past hour, his hands still clenched in his lap. He still wouldn't reply to anything. The good news was, if this was some kind of drug trip (and Maddie was almost certain it was at this point) he'd long since passed the risk of any kind of overdose. All that they could really do was wait it out.

Maddie hoisted herself up on the table and sat next to Danny. Even though he didn't look like he was going to do much of anything, she didn't feel comfortable leaving him unattended, especially in the lab. "You know that I love you, Danny," Maddie said, more to fill the silence than anything else. She wasn't even certain he was able to hear her, or would remember anything she said. "I'm always going to love you. But I'm worried."

She sighed, propping her hands on her knees and letting her face fall into them. "I don't know where I went wrong. You were such a bright young boy. You still are, in some ways. But in others, things like this happen, and... Sometimes I wonder what happened to my baby boy."

"I died." Maddie raised her head sharply, looking over to where Danny sat. He was looking at her with eyes the same color as the portal behind him. Her hand went to her waist instinctively to grab the blaster she always had, but nothing was there. She'd taken it off so it didn't disrupt the tests.

Whatever was pretending to be Danny didn't seem to care about her panic, even as she stumbled off the table to go get it. It just kept talking in an echoing bastardization of her son's voice. "But I decided to keep playing at human, to keep pretending that nothing was wrong, that everything was fine. For years."

It was laughing by the time Maddie's hand found the blaster, a laugh that sent shivers down her spine. "It's a miracle it took me this long to figure it out." Maddie raised the gun at the creature as it jumped down from the table, its feet never touching the ground. "But I'm done pretending." It a blink of the eye, her Danny was gone, replaced with the ghost she'd been hunting for as long as the portal had been opened. Phantom.

"I'll see you around, Mom," it said, its voice still not changing. Still Danny's. But it was Phantom's too, her mind connected. And it was Phantom's eyes on Danny's face, with a suit that matched the one on the wall behind him with the colors flipped.

He disappeared before she could decide whether to shoot or not. The blaster fell out of her hand as she fell to the floor, shaking.

#danny phantom #danny phantom fanfiction #danny fenton #ectoimplosion2023 #maddie fenton #dash baxter #mr. lancer

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katherinejess · 1 year

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This is my first post on Tumblr! I’ve written before on Wattpad but I just recently got on here so here is my latest obsession, Xavier Thorpe.

Summary: Rowan’s sister is back from burying him but has to keep up the lie that he’s alive and just expelled. As a powerful Telekinetic, she’s always been under pressure from her dad but as the only child after her brother passing and that fact he went mad? It’s even worse.

Pairing: Xavier Thorpe x Reader

Warnings: Slowburn? I’m a book writer lol not imagines so there will be a part 2. For more just flirting

Edit: here is part 2!

Part 3 is now out!

A.N.: not edited

The class schedule in my hand is new but familiar. The only differences are the intense trainings that my dad had Principal Weems put in, despite her disagreement with him about it. I have always had decent control but when I found out about my brother, I lost it. I destroyed my entire room. Thankfully I was without a roommate at the time and now I can’t have one even if I want because of the extent of the damage.

I was in such a haze, that I went home with ‘Rowan’. Which really was just Weems dropping me off at the train to go home for the private funeral. I still can’t tell anyone. Rowan needed help, I knew that but my dad ignored me. He never cared much for Rowan as he thought he was weak. He focused on me because of the strength in my power and mental stability. I could be pushed and I will fight back but Rowan never really did. He was closer to my mother, for obvious reasons.

I tried to protect Rowan after she passed but he didn’t make it easy. I was surprised to hear he went after Wednesday, over some stupid thing our mother wrote. She might be right or she might be wrong, who knows.

“Y/n!” A voice catches my attention from across the empty Quad. I look up to see Xavier jogging over to where I’m sat on the side of the fountain. I had the rest of the day off since I arrived according to Weems. My father doesn’t know so it can’t hurt him.

“How are you? How’s Rowan?” He questions as he stops in front of me, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Now the hard part is, I’m an okay liar sometimes but my brother is my soft spot. “Good, we are good. He’s fine.” I shrug, oh god, I feel like I answered too fast.

“Oh okay.. good. He hasn’t been responding to my texts.” He mentions, I don’t know how to respond to that. Of course he’s worried about Rowan, they were roommates.

“Um, he’s kinda struggling with leaving Nevermore. He’s stuck with my dad and you know how he is.” I make up, Xavier and Rowan bonded a little bit. At least from what Rowan told me. Xavier’s dad is famous, travels everywhere except to see his son.

“Yeah, I get it. At least you were with him for awhile.” He says, “what’s this?” He gestures to my schedule. He raises and eyebrow, silently asking to see it as he extends his hand.

“My dad has me on this new schedule. Doesn’t want me to get too comfortable after what Rowan did. Now I’m visiting Jericho for a therapist, extra training after school and weekly updates. Weems wasn’t going to let him unless he let me pick an extracurricular that didn’t include telekinesis so now I have to switch that too as she deemed I need something fresh.” I show him, he takes the paper and scans it.

I watch the confusion cross his face before he quietly scoffs.

“This is kind of insane. But hey, why don’t you join the archery club? It’s got a pretty cool leader. I’m sure he will take it easy on you.” He cracks a smile. I roll my eyes but smile back as our eyes meet once again.

“I also hear he has a big head though so we will see.” I tease, pushing myself off the bench and standing up, “I’m leaving to see my new therapist in a few though. Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

He looks behind him where his class is down the hallway, “Yeah I’m supposed to be in the bathroom but then I saw you so.. I’ll see you at dinner yeah?” He questions, tilting his head at me.

A small smile crosses my face again, “Yeah I’ll be there. I missed all of you while I was gone. I really need a nightshades night soon.” Unlike my brother, I wasn’t kicked out. He grins, moving an arm over me as a side hug. He squeezes me against him with an arm around my shoulders.

“We missed you too.”

I lean my head on him for a second, enjoying the moment before shoving him away softly and saying “Go to the bathroom while I go get my private thoughts invaded.” He laughs but walks away, shaking his head at me.

——

It’s nice to be back and to see all of my friends again. Ajax slings an arm around me, hugging me quickly before Enid pulls me away into a strong hug.

“Oh I’m so glad your back! We won the Poe cup, I wish you could’ve been on our team. Yoko had a garlic bread accident but thankfully Wednesday stepped up.” Enid tells me, pulling me to sit down at the table where Ajax and Xavier are now sitting. She speaks so fast it takes me a second to comprehend it.

I glance at the boys, “Ooh it must burn.” I tease, Xavier rolling his eyes. I know how competitive he can be. “I wish I could’ve seen it. I always love the costumes.” I groan, “Im not too upset about not having to wear a catsuit though, doesn’t seem comfortable.” I shrug, resting my elbows on the table.

“Yeah you missed our costumes, they were awesome.” Ajax says, I grin at him.

“Honestly I didn’t see much of a difference. You two always look like jokers.” I can’t hold back my grin as I say it. Enid start laughing and I can’t hold mine back either.

“How long have you been holding that one in?” Xavier asks, though a smile peeks out and I shrug, calming down.

“Since I saw the pictures on instagram. Just be happy I didn’t comment it.” I tell him, causing him to roll his eyes. “You’re lucky I was gone because I know you, you’re competitive. I would’ve rubbed it in your face.” I remind him, waving my finger at him.

I watch him lick his lips and shake his head “if you were here they probably wouldn’t have won.” He shoots back, flicking my finger.

Ajax ooh’s while Enid protests, both of them arguing over it as Xavier and I lock eyes. There’s a sparkle of cockiness in his as I glare at him. But I can’t keep in the smile that crosses my face.

“I’m surprised you’re here acting so calm when you just lost your brother.” A calm controlled voice says behind me.

My eyebrows furrow as I turn to see Wednesday behind me. I’m speechless for a moment as Xavier speaks up, “Leave it alone Wednesday.”

“You need to drop this whole Rowan thing. It’s not funny anymore.” Enid tells her, standing up next to her. But Wednesdays eyes never leave mine.

Xavier comes around the table, standing next to where I’m still sat. “I think it’s time for me to go.” I say, standing up and I see them all look to me, confused.

“Why? Because you’re hiding your brothers death?” She questions, tilting her head as she squints her eyes.

I scoff, “No because Rowan already hurt you twice as he went sort of crazy once you got here and got expelled. I’d like to stay sane.” I retort, trying to remove myself from the situation.

“Just stay away from her Wednesday.” Xavier warns her as I begin to walk away. I can hear Enid telling her I just am worried about my brother but I tune out quickly once I realize Xavier had caught up to me.

“So.. wanna come to my room? It’s drama free.” He offers, as we walk under the covered walkway. I stop, looking back at the trio, where Wednesday is staring at me while Enid talks and Ajax looks like he wants to leave.

“Yeah, sure.” I take his offer and he extends his hand, which I take. It’s warm and surprisingly clean which is unusual. Not that he’s dirty. I’m just used to him behind covered in some sort of art substance.

He smiles down at me as he starts to guide me along.

——

Considering a part two? I’d love some feedback!

#xavier thorpe #xavier thorpe fluff #xavier thrope imagine #xavier x y/n #xavier thrope x reader #Xavier thorpe slowburn

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androdragynous · 2 years

Text

yeehaw

reblogs are mainly art, cat pics, general positivity and goofs but this is not a hard guideline. i try to keep it jokes-only-level sfw

artposting blog is @canonkiller / tag for it on this blog is #scribbles

i reblog art for media I'm not into if I like the vibes, so if I post untagged spoilers tell me and I'll tag them right. and also sorry

if you saw me like your art and then I unliked it later and it was like your only note and you're sad it's because I put it in my queue and also I love you. mwah

tags guide / extra info:

tags:

#canonqueuer - queue tag ( canonkiller+ queue )

#scribbles - my own art

#patch me through to palaven command - my posts, reblog-replies to myself, asks, etc

#i've got it all under control - reblog-replies to other people's reblogs of my posts ( they get long. blacklisting purposes )

#tagged for me - posts tagged for me or sent to me

#reblog - all reblogs of stuff that isn't mine

#blog stuff - themes, backgrounds, and other coding resources

honestly if you're looking for something I probably have it tagged

#words - quotes, poems, etc (noting here because it's not a standard tag)

all general subject matter is usually tagged; if you have to blacklist something, just the word ( no additional cw / tw text ) will work - ex. #art, #anthro, #videos, #cats, #clothing, etc

all fandoms are tagged when known; they aren't always fandoms I actually know anything about. I like pretty art :)

all common triggers and warnings are tagged, again without additional tw / cw text. I can add tags for anything not already covered (or be more consistent), just send in an ask about it :3

extra info:

I think pro / anti / whatever labels are vague, confrontational and kind of stupid. I think porn of children is bad. I think fiction can include difficult themes. I think there are people who disagree with both of those, and I would rather not spend time with them. These opinions can coexist, and intentionally misinterpreting them to get into fights is definitely stupid.

I don't have shinigami eyes on mobile tumblr, so please lmk if I reblog someone marked red. I don't like giving them the attention.

please do not give me reason to post the sorry my follower added that comment cake.

#also hi #edited this to make it shorter because i wanted glitter text #for mobile browsing:#patch me through to palaven command #scribbles #i've got it all under control

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deathinfeathers · 1 year

Text

Guidelines

Introduction

Hello and welcome to my humble RP blog! You can call me Cinna (they/them Pronouns please), your friendly neighborhood autism creature who exclusively writes fucked up pieces of flaming garbage! I am in my mid twenties with a solid fifteen-ish years of writing experience under my belt. If spending the brunt of my mortal existence on tumblr has taught me anything it is the importance of curating your online experience to the best of your ability so we are very much private and selective in this neck of the woods! Before you engage with the characters you will find lurking on this blog, please make sure that you are not a child! All children will be corralled into the pit and made to fight to the death for my own, personal amusement! Thank you!

I am exceptionally mentally ill and will run and hide for weeks on end for literally no reason whatsoever! I am sorry I am hard to get a hold of OOC! Being perceived terrifies me but I love you all the same!

Content warnings

On this blog you may find mentions/implications (but no graphic depictions) of the following:

Child exploitation and grooming, CSA, SA, r*pe, suicide

You may find graphic depictions of the following:

Religous themes, systematic religous brainwashing, child soldiers, internalized misogyny, blood, gore, violence, abuse, fetishization of death and murder, cannibalism, torture, toxic and abusive relationships (work/romantic/familial), substance abuse, sexual themes and settings, sex as a coping mechanism, mental illness, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks, stockholm syndrome, (fictional) hate speech, death, kidnapping, stalking, body horror, religious abuse and torture, cult-ish themes and settings, hard drug use, suicidal ideation, self harm

This blog is, in a big way, dedicated to the in-depth exploration of many uncomfortable topics. Keep this in mind before you follow.

Roleplay etiquette

This should go without saying but please refrain from godmodding/taking control over my character in our interactions, this includes auto hitting in violent/confrontational situations. No info-modding or meta-gaming, your character should not be able to glean information out of any internal dialog unless they can straight up read minds (in which case I would like to be made aware of this power beforehand). Remember that the muse and her values and behaviors are not a reflection of the writer. I do not agree with or condone 90% of the things that she says and does--her actions are not to be glorified or romanticized, Lute is absolutely meant to be viewed as a villain.

Interactions

Friends/mains will always take priority when it comes to threads--some of you may find this unfair but RP is a hobby and I reserve the right to engage with it In whatever way is most fun and fulfilling for myself. Don't let this discourage you from approaching if you have a plot in mind or sending in memes/starters. I'm happy to run with all sorts of stories and scenarios granted I'm given an idea to work off of. That being said, I am incredibly disorganized so threads have a tendency to slip through the cracks, don't be afraid to (politely) remind me of our interaction when this happens. I will reblog memes somewhat regularly but OOC plotting is my personal preference. I tend to struggle scrounging up enough motivation for threads with no clear direction. Lute is a character who shines the most when she is acting as an obstacle or an uplifting force to the people around her. She thrives poorly in slice-of-life type of scenarios, please keep this in mind.

Fight scenes

As a general rule, I won't write figh scenes with sinner muses. Lute isn't somebody that mortal souls are meant to be able to fight off—as the first lieutenant of the heavenly host she wouldn't be much of a threat if she sat around their power level. This isn't something I see myself budging on unless you have very solid reasoning for why you think your sinner could take her on. Same goes for the hellborn, lower class angels and humans. That being said, if your muse (sinner/human/anyone weaker than Lute) goes out of their way to taunt or harass her she will respond with violence. Keep this in mind before you go pushing her buttons.

Shipping

Ah, shipping, the magical thing which makes the rpc go 'round! Lute is not easy to ship with, like, at all! I wouldn't call her unshippable necessarily but you must be aware that she is an incredibly twisted and broken individual, ergo, any relationship she finds herself being a part of is at major risk of becoming unbalanced and/or toxic. I am very, very, veryveryvery picky with her romantic candidates as a result. Do not try to force ship with her, that is a surefire to be irrevocably crossed off as a potential partner. Lute has a tendency to develop crushes on a very specific type of people--do not take this as a sign that I'm trying to push a ship on you--it's just a character quirk that she has. Shipping will never take priority over the overarching plot of this blog. Again, Lute isn't a character who does well in domestic situations, tension, action and conflict is where it's at for her.

Smut

I will write smut on rare occasions, mostly on sindays. I exclusively write this type of content with longtime mutuals. Feel free to ask me for a link to my NSFW blog.

Drama

As a rule of thumb: don't. If there's a problematic individual you feel I should be made aware of, address the issue with me OOC. That's all I have to say on the matter. I like to keep my space as drama/discourse free as possible.

Blocking

Please hardblock me when you unfollow! I have a very poor memory so it's not unlikely that I might refollow if you fail to do this. If you happen to find yourself blocked by me, rest assured that it is very rarely a personal matter. Chances are I just don't see us vibing or you're somebody that i decided to unfollow for one reason or another. All the same, block evading is not cool if there's a legit reason behind it (and you will be made aware if there is). Please don't do that!

Thank you for reading my guidelines. This list will be expanded upon as I see fit!

#Guidelines

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magnetothemagnificent · 2 years

Note

The funny thing about Conservative conspiracy theories is they always operate on fucking cartoonvillian logic. No matter how many times it seemingly fails, somehow a group of shadowy elites keeps doing the same damn thing.

"Mass shootings are false flags to take away our guns!!!" Yet no reasonable gun reform has ever bene implemented despite the numerous mass shootings that have taken place

"Covid is all a lie to control the population/vaccines have microchips/masks are mind control!!" Wow, guess those elites are pretty shitty at their jobs because literally all that's happened is being asked to wear a mask and vaccine mandates. Idk why people latched so hard onto the microchip shit considering what would even be the point of that when everyone already has a GPS in their pocket and I can't even begin to see what the point of a microchip is.

"The election was rigged!!!" Yet we chose fucking Biden of all people instead of someone actually combatant like Bernie. No hate to Biden but if I were to rig an election, I'm not choosing him lmao

And that's barely scratching the surface of the weird shit these people believe.

Yeah. I mean at the end of the day most conspiracy theories are batshit.

But it's important to understand the factors feeding into these kinds of conspiracy theories: The Christian victim complex and cognitive dissonance.

(this isn't saying all Conservatives are Christian, but the American Conservative ideology is rooted in Christianity and you can't seperate that.)

So when you look at it this way, you can start to see a bit of the "logic" in this conspiracy theories.

It goes a little bit like this: "I, a Christian, am inherently oppressed, and outside forces (read: Jews) are constantly trying to Get Me. I also believe in the Apocalypse, so my time here on earth is constantly under threat, and Jesus could come any day and enact Judgement Day. I have to be ready All The Time. That's why I stockpile and immense amount guns, because I have to protect myself and be prepared to fight nonbelievers when Judgement Day comes. As a Christian, I am constantly oppressed, including by the government, which is run by my enemies (Jews). So when the government tries to pass legislation to even try to limit my guns, they are coming after Me specifically, because as a true Christian there will always be nonbelievers out to shut me down."

It doesn't matter that statistics show that Christians are the dominant demographic in the US, and indeed in most of the Western world. It doesn't matter that every scientific study in the world can disprove these conspiracy theories. The cognitive dissonance is that strong.

These conspiracy theories don't make sense at all to us, but to people embroiled in Christian victim mentality, they do make sense. That's what makes conspiracy theories so powerful, because they are seen as logical by those who believe them. Conspiracy theories don't just say "the earth is flat." They have a whole thesis backing up the theory, with "facts" and "evidence" that make the conspiracy theory seem logical to those who believe it.

And that's what's so dangerous about conspiracy theories.

#conspiracy theories #antisemitism #Christianity #american politics

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asena-graywolf · 1 year

Text

I’m Always With You

Osamu was busy playing PlayStation in the living room when Atsumu stormed into the house, slamming the door. Since their parents hadn't been home for a week, they could fight more easily every day. This time, they did not fight for trivial reasons. Disobeying Osamu had cost Atsumu dearly, and now he was paying the price.

“Tsumu! Slow down!” he said angrily from inside

"Shut up Samu!" he shouted back

Hearing a clatter from the kitchen, Osamu knew something was up. He dropped his game controller and went to the kitchen.

"What’s the matter with you?”

Osamu asked anxiously.

"Go away! Or I gonna vent my spleen from you!”

Osamu sighed and folded his arms and brought them together under his chest. He was perfectly sure of what Atsumu was getting so angry about.

“Is it the same story again?”

"It doesn't concern you! Go play your game!”

Osamu grabbed Atsumu's arm. He had a guess as to what was going on, but he wanted to hear the truth from Atsumu.

“Tsumu! Is it about that girl?"

"Don’t touch me!" he waved his arm, Atsumu

“Answer me Tsumu! What happened?"

Although Atsumu didn't want to tell, he couldn't suppress his anger any longer.

“Damn bitch! She cheated on me! And she did it while looking me in through teeth!

Osamu continued, trying to maintain his composure.

“I told you, didn't I? I said that girl is not for you! I warned you many times! I guess you were the only idiot who couldn't see that she's a lap hopping bitch. In the men's volleyball team and at school, there was no man she didn't sleep with. Everyone at school knew what he was worth. You were unfortunately too blind to see. I wouldn't want you to experience this painfully, but if you hadn't listened to me and been stupid in the first place, you wouldn't have to witness being cheated on."

“For God's sake shut up, Samu! I have enough trouble myself! And I can't deal with you"

Osamu was patient with his brother's anger and tried to keep his calm.

“You should be happy about that, Tsumu. Do you know why? You learned the hard way, but at least you could see that that girl is an incurable bitch. You should be glad you have no ties to him. Please don't hurt yourself any more. It hurts me so much to see you like this"

Atsumu went off the deep end. Because if he had dreamed that he would hear such a word from Osamu, he would not have believed it.

A painful smile spread across his face. Then he laughed helplessly

“Are you really the one who said that? I thought you hated me. Didn't you say it to my face, wish I didn't have a brother like you. Yes, we are brothers. We fight, then we make up. This is so normal. But that word you said was the most hurtful thing you've ever said, Samu. Now don't tell me you care about me."

“Tsumu, don't say that. Why wouldn't I care about you? I don't want you to be sad. No matter how much we fight, you are my only brother"

“You never once said you love me. Ever since we were little, you've never even hugged me. You never showed your love. So you have no right to say anything!!”

The emotional conversation between the two brothers resulted in Atsumu leaving the house in a rage. Osamu could only content himself with calling out to her from behind.

The door was slammed shut in his face. Atsumu would have been right. Osamu regretted that word a thousand times over. Now that Atsumu reminded him again, he began to feel worse guilt.

He sat down at the table and put his hands on his head. Atsumu always drove him crazy. No matter how much they fought, Osamu loved his brother very much. If something happened to him, he would be the first to come to his aid. If anything happened to Atsumu, he would die.

He was worried when Atsumu came out of the house in a rage. What was he doing outside and where was he going? Even though he didn't know this, he had a bad feeling. He was afraid that Atsumu would do something to him. He immediately ran to the hall and called Atsumu as he picked up his phone.

Atsumu made the call busy. He didn't push it because he knew he needed some alone time. Still, he didn't want to sit with his hands tied. It was the first time that she was so worried about her older brother, whom she never once said she loved, and she wanted to do something for him.

He wandered around the house idly. From time to time, he went to the kitchen and had a drink. His mind was still on Atsumu. He called again, but this time his phone was off.

Osamu began to fear. The possibility of self-harming was driving him crazy. If something happened to his brother, he wouldn't be able to live with this guilt for the rest of his life.

"Damn! Why would you turn off your phone, Tsumu?" he said to himself

A call suddenly landed on his phone. It was an unlisted number. Doubt kicked in again and he picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Good evening. Are you close to Atsumu Miya?”

A strange voice was speaking from the other line.

"Yes. I am his brother. Who are you?"

“We are calling you from the hospital. Your brother had an accident. Car crashed. Apparently he was crossing the street and had headphones on so he didn't hear the car approaching him.

Osamu's a chill ran down his back.He jumped right out. As soon as he got the address of the hospital, he set off. He got into the first taxi he saw on the road.

She was praying that nothing would happen to Atsumu. Today's fight should not have been their last fight with Atsumu… He was choking on the bustle. He told the driver to go a little faster. He wanted to get to the hospital as soon as possible and learn about his brother's condition.

When he arrived at the hospital, he immediately asked about Atsumu's condition. They said he was in surgery

Atsumu had suffered internal bleeding. Osamu couldn't sit still until the surgery was over. He waited at the door of the operating room until he got good news from the doctor. Finally, the doctor came out of the operating room.

"Doctor? How is my brother's condition?"

"He’s fine. He's out of danger. When his rib cracked, he damaged his internal organs. But we managed to stop the internal bleeding.”

Osamu was relieved

"Thanks god! Thank you so much, doctor. I am grateful to you. You saved my brother's life"

Osamu's voice trembled. A tear fell from his eye, trickled down his cheek

“Are you twins? You are very lucky. I always wanted to have a twin. Your brother is also very lucky. He has a related sibling like you. Get well soon. We'll take him to his room soon. You can meet when you wake up from anesthesia. But please don't tire the patient too much"

"Okay" he nodded

He was so happy that Atsumu was able to be saved that it was as if he had heard that he was going to heaven. If his brother's life wasn't heaven for him, what was?

When Atsumu awoke from narcosis, he found Osamu sitting beside him on stretcher. Their hands were clasped together. His blurred vision became clearer and he realized that it was Osamu standing at his head.

“Samu? Am I dead?"

"No. You're not dead, idiot! You just scared me so much"

"So what? am i alive I remember the last time I crossed the road.”

“I was looking for you! But you were preoccupied with the stupidity of opposing with headphones in your ear. You will never change Tsumu"

"I'm sorry Samu. At that time, the phone may have jumped out of my hand and fallen somewhere.

“Don't worry about him. The important thing is that you are well. After fighting every day, this is the first time I've been this scared and worried for you. And… I don't know if you can forgive me, but I'm sorry brother. Glad you're my brother, I'm so lucky to have you. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you bro"

Atsumu tried to smile without straining his scarred face too much.

“That's all I wanted to hear”

Osamu bent down from his seat, laid his head on Atsumu's chest, and hugged his brother tightly with warm affection.

“I would die if anything happened to you, Tsumu. I also want you to understand this. If there's anyone in your life who will never leave you, it's me. You realize that"

“I will never be able to get rid of you. I don't want to get rid of it anyway. You're the only one who won't let me go, Samu."

Osamu straightened up and kissed his brother's knuckles

“I'm going to the canteen. I'll get us both something to eat. Is there anything you want?"

"No. Whatever you get, I'll eat it"

————————————————————————

Jeez! I’d like to write more about Miya twins

#haikyuu #hq #hq scenarios #haikyuu!!#haikyuu fanfiction #atsumu miya #osamu miya #miya twins #atsuosa #atsuosa brotherly love #brotherly love #haikyuu scenarios #atsumu x osamu brotherly love #miya atsumu fanfic #miya osamu #miya osamu fanfiction

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the-raging-tempest · 7 months

Note

👾 for zrise please!!

Hey Romeo!! I’m not really sure how I do these but here we go! These are so hard to choose from but! I went for Death Is In The Air by SAKIMA

Overall this song to me for Zrise is about death. His own and others. Death is always around him. Follows him. It’s also about losing yourself. To your emotions. To your ambitions. Your justifications.

Is my heart breaking

Or do I have one at all

Am I feeling or faking

I don’t know anymore

Zrise wants to believe he’s a very heartless careless and callous person. Kind of in a self protective way. Because if he doesn’t have a soul, heart, etc then he can excuse what he does. He often feels he’s bad at living. Bad at being a person. Does he even care about the things he tells himself he cares about? Most of the time no. Most of the time what he truly cares for he tries to hide deep. Makes excuses. What he wants he can’t admit to himself.

What’s in the back of my head?

It’s just like white noise

Or a demon under his breath

Telling me it’s time to dance with death

Some nights I’m possessed

Anger, bitterness, resentment, sadness, a lot of emotions get the better of him and he feels he has little control of ‘acting out’. He’s always getting in trouble for pushing the wrong boundaries. Obviously some of these result in violence. In ways he regrets. Often for various different reasons. But he hates his emotions. He feels ‘possessed’ by them. Unable to let them go.

No I never

See it coming

Till it holds me down like an anchor

No I never

Hear the drumming

Till I’m too far into the rapture

Much of this is the same as above with the added. It isn’t until the repercussions hit him in irreversible ways do they register. Also to me this evokes the drowning.

I wish I could be brave

This line does a lot for me for his character that is hard to put into words. He often pretends he’s brave. Often looks down on cowards. But he himself IS one. He hates it about himself. He’s ultimately afraid to die, afraid to be alone, afraid to be unloved. He only gathers the courage to do the things he does because he believes he must to get what he wants. He wishes he could stand up for himself. Wishes he could actually practice what he preaches. No matter the consequences.

Do it or don’t I never know so I

Keep dancing on a pipe dream

Keep laughing when I wanna scream

He’s actually never clear of what he’s doing is helping him get closer to what he wants. Part of him knows no matter what he does he’s kind of fucked. Finding a cure is a pipe dream. Because even if he gets it likely it won’t solve all his problems. But it’s what he has to do. The last line is very him in his trickster mindset. He tries to find some twisted sense of joy in his misery.

I feel the ache of the waiting

I feel the tar in my lungs

For every debt that I’m paying

I’m no further along

This also calls back to the drowning for me. The ache of waiting for his mother to return and comfort him. Which never comes. The tar of the water and congealed blood in his lungs. For everything he does to try and prove himself to his mother he feels just as trapped. Just as unloved.

What if I give up the ghost

And just become one myself

What if he just stops fighting? Stops trying to survive? What if he just died instead? Would that be better?

Dunno why I’m holding my breath

‘Cause they all let me down in the end

And I just forgive them

Has to do with most people he grows close to. Most of the people he learns to trust and love end up betraying him. Just as he does to others. Because that’s the only kind of relationship he knows. He forgives them in the sense that he just allows it all to happen again.

No I never

See it coming

Till I lose myself to the anger

No I never

See it coming

Till The crying turns into laughter

I wish I could be brave

Much the same as similar lyrics as before. But instead we end on a more sinister note. Acknowledging the anger and how he leans into this vindictiveness. Where when others hurt him he wants to laugh. Loose himself and hurt them in return.

#oc: zrise #ask game answers #about zrise

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avtrr · 1 year

Text

#AVTRR. a PRIVATE and SELECTIVE indie multimuse from James Cameron's Avatar. loved by Ana Lee. Muses include Jake, Neytiri, Kiri and Mo'at but I may add more in the future. LOW ACTIVITY. THIS BLOG USES THE BETA EDITOR

links : about / muses. / memes. / promo. / wishlist.

rules under read more

Rules (Mobile)

Hii! I'm Ana Lee 28 y/o (she/her) and I have been rping since 2010, but started writing on tumblr in 2018. I also write at @skysnipsw, my dual muse sw blog and since avatar is my new hyperfixation, i decided to make this blog. Feel free to hit me up any time, I'd love to get to know new writing partners and make new friends! I'm brazilian and my timezone is UTC -3 so english is not my first language, but i consider myself to be fluent (though mistakes are still bond to happen sometimes as nobody is perfect)

• This blog is 18+ as it will explore mature themes such as violence, war, death, xenophobia, trauma, and others. For your own safety, minors DNI.

• SPOILERS: I've seen Avatar: The Way of Water so spoilers are going to be present. And please try and keep me out of drama, I’m here to write and have fun with friends, not get myself involved in drama.

• NO HATE, NO DRAMA. I won’t tolerate any kind of hate in this blog. Be it against the Avatar franchise or against any group of people, it will be met with an instant block. Also please try and keep me out of drama, I want this place to be chill for everyone.

• COMMUNICATION IS KEY. If you have any problems regarding threads or if I upset you for any reason, please let me know what I did wrong so I can avoid doing that again! I have no way of knowing what I did wrong if you don’t tell me. I’m not a perfect person and everyone commits mistakes and I’m a very chill person, I’m always open to discuss things peacefully and I’m always open to constructive criticism either because I’m always seeking to improve, both as a roleplayer and as a person. So, if I did something that upsets you, just come talk to me and we’ll solve issues together, okay? Don’t be afraid, I promisse I don’t bite! I just ask that you be mature and please don’t start any dramas. I’m not here to pick fights, I just wanna have fun rping with friends.

• BASIC RP RULES. No godmodding/powerplaying/metagaming, controlling my muses without permission etc. I control my muses, you control yours.

• FOLLOWING. I'm selective and private, meaning I'll mostly interact with mutuals. If I follow you, it means that I am interested in writing with you, but I may be too shy to make first approach, so don't be afraid to hit me up! But if you don't have an interest in writing with me, I ask that you please block me, there won’t be any hard feelings on my part. This is to avoid any awkwardness like me trying to reach out to you but you’re not following me back. I’ll totally understand if you do.

• MAINS/EXCLUSIVES. I don't do exclusives since I like to give everyone's portryal a chance and every portrayal is unique in itself and I love interacting with multiple versions of the same character and seeing how different they can be from each other. However, if we write/talk a lot together and are friends enough, we can be MAINS and even AFFILIATED! Just let me know if you wish to become a main, however, keep in mind that we need to write/plot a lot and be friends for me to consider this possibility.

• OC/CROSSOVERS/DUPLICATES. OCs are always welcome, but I ask that you have at least an about page so I can read about your character beforehand. I won't accept any kind of pre-established relationship between OCs and my muses, unless it's discussed previously. I'm also DUPLICATE FRIENDLY as I love seeing other interpretations of the same muses. CROSSOVERS are aways welcome too as I love them! Even if I don’t know your fandom, I’m always willing to interact and learn about it.

• REBLOG KARMA. PLEASE, REBLOG MEMES, MUSINGS PSAS AND ETC FROM THE SOURCE!!! Unless the source is unavailable. It kinda clogs my notifications and it’s also a bit disappointing to see a notification expecting a reply to see you just reblogged a meme/psa from me. I’m not a meme source. If you intend to reblog a meme from me, please have the courtesy to send one in.

• PERSONALS. You are free to follow me as long as you respect my rules, however, I’ll only follow back RP Blogs to keep my dash clean and easier to deal with. DON’T REBLOG MY THREADS! This can be very annoying for me and my rp partners, so if you like a thread, just click the like button, but don’t reblog it! You are also free to interact with my character by sending asks! Asks are always welcome, but please be respectable when you send them. If I receive offensive ones, I’ll block you. Also DO NOT SPAM ME WITH LIKES. Any personal blogs that starts to spam like my posts will be blocked without a warning as this clogs my notifications and is very annoying.

• PLOTTING. I am always open for plotting, so hit me up whenever you want for plotting, or gushing over muses, you won't be bothering me 💙

• MEMES. Ask memes and prompts don't have an expiration date, feel free to send me them whenever! And also feel free to turn any answered asks into threads.

• TRIGGERS. This being an Avatar blog, it will contain heavy topics such as depictions of violence, gore and other material that may disturb some people, but everything will be tagged accordingly. Potential triggers are tagged as "trigger tw". Please feel free to ask me to tag anything specific.

As for myself, I don’t have triggers per se, but those things make me very uncomfortable and I’d like them to be tagged for me. They include: : irl images of cockroaches and other insects/aracnids, irl images of gore and abuse, detailed descriptions of rotting corpses, incest, pedophilia, zoophilia, rape, daddy kink, smut, and explicit sexual content. I ask that you please tag those accordingly.

• MUSE ≠ MUN. THE MUSE’S ACTIONS/THOUGHTS/OPINIONS DO NOT EQUAL MINE!

• SHIPPING. Some muses in this blog will only be romantically shipped with certain characters (ex. Jake will only ever be shipped with Neytiri and vice-versa) so keep this in mind when reading the muses pages. If you want to discuss a ship, feel free to hit me up!

This blog contains some underage muses. I will not ship them with any characters over the age of eighteen nor will any sexual nsfw be present on this blog involving them.

I will also NOT ship Kiri x Spider romantically. Due to the Westermarck Effect hypothesis, she sees spider as her brother and therefore, has no romantic attraction towards him.

SMUT. I don't write explicit smut as I’m aroace and sex repulsed. I can tolerate dirty jokes and innuendos for comedy purposes however, as long as they’re MODERATED. It goes without saying that I will NOT accept anything of that sort regarding my minor muses. If I see any sexual asks or memes being directed at my underage muses, it will be met with an instant block.

• CONTACT. Feel free to talk to me any time, my IMs are always open for talking and plotting. Discord is under request, and I also RP in there, so if you want my discord, just ask me.

• ACTIVITY. My activity may vary, but I'm usually slow and low activity, as I work during the week and study at night, so please be patient with me. I also run other rp blogs here and I have the worst attention span ever. I’ll get to starters and replies, it can take a while, but I’ll get to them eventually, I just ask you to be patient. I have literally replied to asks and threads months after they’ve been sent to me, sometimes I reply fast, it all honestly depends on my muse for writing. I’m also an artist, I draw and do commissions and writing is a hobby. I AM NOT FAST. If I am fast, it’s honestly depends on my mood and inspiration.

• FIGHT THREADS. I’d rather avoid writing them cause I really suck at them, buuut if it’s necessary for the development of the thread, please discuss it with me first. I am also open to death threads, HOWEVER, DO NOT KILL MY MUSES WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!! Please discuss it with me first.

I guess it's all for now, thank you for reading! If you have any questions feel free to ask me!

#avatar rp #atwow rp #star wars rp #sci fi rp #mcu rp #marvel rp #pinned post.

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grandpa-cephalopods · 2 years

Text

Ao: Okay slick- as the only two family members NOT on board with these fights, I hope we can find some common ground cleaning up this mess here.

Doc: I’ll cooperate, yes.

Ao: So I’m to understand we both got an issue trying to intimidate Inkopolis into NOT stomping us.

Doc: Yes. It’s why we’d always kept the Octoweapons under-wraps. If Inkopolis knew their full strength, they’d just make something stronger. We learned that from the Great Turf War. Takowasa was literally our only chance, back then.

Ao: Hmm. Down in the Metro we had this period of civil war while I was growing up. It was much easier to keep my family safe when no one really knew what Arowana could do.

Doc: But now both of them are out of the bag, so...

Ao: ... I’m just tryin’ to wrap my head around how your brother got along with Ro so quickly. Weren’t they like... at each other’s necks, or something??

Doc: They were kind of the reason we lost the war, yes. I don’t understand it myself-

Ao: Gramps, you got a lot of expl-

Kurt: I literally picked up Ex-General Arowana, sloshed out of his mind, in the rain, outside a pub where they banned them the same day for getting TOO drunk. They couldn’t even WALK and they didn’t have a home, so I took ‘em in. Kissed my feet ever since.

Doc: ..Really-

Kurt: And don’t even get me started on your brother- The entire time you had your nose stuck in book-learnin’ medical school, your brother’s only way to cope with Takodad’s horseradish was going out to drink and have fun with me and Tamago. Ro can at least control themself- Gaius I had to drag back home with Tamago MULTIPLE TIMES.

Doc: I-

Ao: So what you’re telling me pops is: YOU started this friendship.

Kurt: Wait-

Ao: Congratulations, YOU GET TO HELP US CLEAN THIS UP!

Doc: So, Kurt, what do you have to offer to fix this mess?

Kurt: Waitwaitwaitwait- I didn’t start nothi-

Ao: NOT HEARING ANY IDEAS, POPS.

Kurt: Aaaahhhhhhh uhhhhhhhh reeeemmemmmbeeer when you were talking about those new shell ideas for me as the Octomaw?????

Ao: ...Oh. The mecha stuff?

Doc: ... ‘Mecha’ stuff?

Ao: Yeah- humans had a lot of robot anime. Gave me ideas.

Kurt: Like new Octoweapon shells- Ones that can accommodate human-form Octoweapons- Teenagers jumped in the giant robot all the time.

Doc: ...Huh. I don’t think that’d be too hard for us to help you with. The Octarians are a little stir-crazy, I’m sure they’d love something to tinker with right now.

Ao: Mhm, same for the Metro. Obviously- the new shells we keep under-wraps while kids watch the bioweapons fight. How are we splitting the expenses then?

Doc: 50-50 should be average...?

Ao: What about 60-40?

Doc: Mmm I’m paying a lot of bills for moving to Splatsville...

Ao: ... 55-45.

Doc: ...That’s more manageable, I guess.

#oldtavio #ao #kurt #//alcohol #//long post #(punished for love triangle crimes)

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allylikethecat · 1 month

Note

Totally unrelated to most of the stuff you post but on the topic of your Taylor explanation just and your comment about not rlly buying the variants anymore-

I’m a fan of her music for sure but the way they sell variants just really gets me. I mean there is absolutely NO NEED. The way they release the original on presale first so everyone gets it and then they release each variant individually with a different song on it saying it’s “exclusive” and “only going to be available for 70 hours” or something like that, only for them to be repeatedly restocked and then eventually made widely available in indie record stores. Like it’s just straight up lying for money??? That they don’t need. And THEN releasing the same vinyl records with signed inserts so that people buy the SAME record. Again. It’s so incredibly tone deaf and exploitative idk Ik it’s a choice to variant collect but it’s just milking people for no reason. And I know so many other labels do it but none do it NEARLY as bad as it is done for Taylor swift. And Ik it’s not like it’s under her control or whatever but she has so much money and influence that she ABSOLUTELY could do something about it if she wanted to or cared in the slightest ygwim?? I am a vinyl collector but I honestly find it hard to even bring myself to get one version of her albums bc of this. And like considering a lot of her audience is so young as well idk it rlly rubs me up the wrong way. And each one gets posted on the Instagram with love hearts and a cute picture and it’s just like 🥳🩷🤩buy this too!😂😇💕. Idk Ik so many artists do it but like influence wise she’s not really at the mercy of her label ig?? At least not to the extent that she couldn’t make moves to combat it if she wanted?? Anyways that rlly put me off ig (I’m still a fan though can’t help myself). Also Ik this is soo unrelated to your account and you ABSOLUTELY don’t have to respond to this if you don’t want to. I just saw that other post and it made me think about it.

Alsoooo any clues on the fic being posted tomorrow 🫢?? 🥹🥹 I ask like I have a favourite but I will very much be excited at ANY update I won’t lie

AND I’m dying at the fact we are HALF WAY through all the kings horses??!? Idk if I can handle not having a new chapter each Friday. But also excited for fictional Matty and George to get together and possibly be happy even (crazy thought Ik)??

Oh my gosh thank you for sending me this super long ask! This is another one I debated answering because I don't want to start any kind of fights or cause any kind of issues or drama. Also, as always I do want to say that these opinions are my OWN and are based on how I feel and I am not saying that I am *right* or that someone else is *wrong*. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, just tossing in my two cents / my perspective.

Even though I'm not a *huge* fan of Taylor anymore, and have felt like I have outgrown Taylor Swift the Brand, I do still enjoy her music (for the most part) but I 100% get the million variations thing from a marketing / sales prospective? Like it sucks but that's business and if people are going to keep buying them they're going to keep making them. As a businesswoman these days I would expect nothing less. Let get that money!

HOWEVER, I know Billie Eilish got a lot of flack for her comments about vinyl variations and then also having a billion of them for her new album, and while I'm not really a fan of her music (I think she's talented she's just not really my vibe) I did think it was cool that regardless of how her comments were misinterpreted she put all her variations on sale at the same time and the track listings were all the same, therefore giving fans the opportunity to just choose and purchase their favorite colors instead of scrambling because something is "limited edition" but not really. Maybe not as good for the seller since the panicked demand isn't there, but that does make for a more pleasant experience as the buyer. Also yay bundled shipping!

Even though it was probably a let down, I hope you enjoyed the sick fic I posted today - I don't think anyone guessed that would be the fic updated so maybe I can still be surprising haha

Hehe I'm so happy that you're enjoying All the King's Horses! That is currently my favorite fic and I am so absolutely obsessed with it and having so much fun working on it! I love horses and the boys SO MUCH and I am so excited to continue sharing their story 🩵 We're roughly halfway through- a few chapters might get added because I don't know if I'll be ready to leave the yet when the time comes haha I'm very excited Fictional!George is going to take Fictional!Matty on a date soon, it's going to be very sweet and very them.

Thank you so much for sending me this ask and for reading and your continued support! I hope I answered it in a satisfactory way that doesn't ruffle anyones feathers too badly! I want to keep my blog a happy positive space when possible! (Heartbreak fanfic not included in that happy statement haha) I hope your Tuesday is going well and that you have a great week!

❤️Ally

#allylikethecat #ask ally #anon ask #keep it kind #fanfiction #matty fic #gatty #fanfic #questions #all the king's horses #equestrian au #in sickness and in health #sickfic #i hope its okay if we move away from some of the taylor topics #i know i was the one that initially brought it up #but some of the complex feelings surrounding it are kinda bumming me out #like i wanna be carefree and eighteen again #not twenty eight and like... having to adult lol #lets talk about noah kahan lol

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randomboo256 · 7 months

Text

SEGA, we have to talk about these boss fights. Ok, look the Sonic series has always... struggled when it comes to having good fights in my opinion.

The momentum-based classic Sonic gameplay and physics have never felt very natural in a boss setting. In Classic Sonic, Sonic takes a good few seconds to build up any speed and if you jump without building up speed you'll barely move. It feels fine while platforming because the levels are designed around it. However, when fighting against a boss, Classic Sonic begins feeling pretty sluggish. It doesn't end there though. When you attack a boss in Classic Sonic, Sonic also gets bounced back in an at times unpredictable direction and speed. It's very easy to get punished for landing an attack. Not to mention the fact that Sonic the Hedgehog has an incredibly large head. And a stupidly large head = a pretty big hitbox. Additionally, it can be really unclear when it's even safe to attack some bosses. The games have no real indicator when it's safe to go for hit, so I often just keep throwing myself at them until I learn where and how they actually take damage. In total, it's just really unpleasant fighting a boss in a classic game. What makes it worse is that bosses are stapled onto acts, so if you want to replay a level you're forced to replay the boss it comes with.

Fortunately though, classic bosses usually aren't very long. Most can be beaten in under a minute, and they usually aren't too bad. They're not any fun, but they're over quickly and they aren't really hard at all. Only the final bosses of the Sonic's 1, 2, and 3K are any level of frustrating, and in 1 and 2's case that's solely from a lack of rings. I mean hell, there's a reason the Sonic series uses rings for health. It's because it's really tough to avoid taking damage all the time in these games. Between Sonic's speed while platforming and his clumsiness during bosses, Sonic needs to have a super forgiving health system.

As for the 3D games... well while there's a lot one can say about the 3D Sonic games in general about whether they're an improvement/downgrade from the classics, I will die on the hill that the 3D Sonic games have universally better boss fights. The 3D games are an inarguable improvement when it comes to the average boss fight, in my opinion.

Sonic's homing attack allows you to attack from a standstill, therefore fixing the issue with Sonic's controls. Using his homing attack without locking on also immediately gives Sonic midair speed and works as a fun dodge move.

When Sonic lands a hit on a boss in a 3D game, Sonic usually gets cinematically sent back to a safe position while the boss either acts stunned for a few seconds or gears up for the next phase. This means that landing an attack rarely punishes the player, and it also lets them relax and celebrate for a second before the fight continues.

Bosses have their own dedicated levels, and because of that they don't drag down the game's replayability, as well allowing them to be longer.

The 3D games have far more forgiving hitboxes in general.

That's not to say that the 3D games have perfect bosses though. Far from it actually.

The 3D games have famously poor cameras. While they're usually "good enough" during levels, they often crumble to pieces during boss fights. It can be damn near impossible to see anything during some 3D Sonic fights, to the extent where you wonder if the boss was even playtested at all.

The ring system just feels OP now. While classic Sonic was so clumsy during a boss that it needed it, the more precise 3D Sonic controls just make the rings redundant. I can't help but feel like a lot of these bosses would just be better if Sonic just had a normal health meter.

The issue of not knowing when it's safe it hit has gotten even worse. Mainly because most fights don't have the easy tell of "hit where you see Eggman" like a lot of the classics did.

The 3D games like being more cinematic, so so trying to attack the boss will hurt you anyway if you don't wait for their rigid patterns to conclude and for them to enter their "it's legally acceptable to attack me" state. The makes the bosses way more repetitive, and because they're longer that means death is even worse. They can also get pretty long too.

Some of the games have quick time events.

Finally, the final boss in 3D games are almost always playing as Super Sonic, which translates to "your completion of this game depends on this incredibly gimmicky boss section that's exclusively using half-baked gameplay mechanics that you have never touched in this game before this point". In other words, it's a pretty underwhelming way to end the game from a gameplay sense.

The 3D games are very diverse, so there's obviously exceptions to what I've just listed, but in general the 3D games share these strengths and issues. In general, the 3D bosses are better than the classics, but still not very good in my opinion. They're mostly just middling.

But this is all old news. Why do we have to talk about this now? Well, two days ago you released a little game called Sonic Superstars. Now, Sonic Superstars is a fun little game in general. Sure it's incredibly pitiful compared to the less expensive Super Mario Wonder, but Superstars is still a fun little game. The controls are pretty tight. Some of the chaos emerald powers are pretty neat. The level design... exists. The graphics... could've definitely been better but hey they also could've been worse...? Trip is pretty cute character design???

Yeah let's stop beating around the bush. These boss fights are awful Sega. And not just the normal Sonic boss fight where I'm "Oh well this is kinda unfun but I can tolerate it". No. The bosses in Superstars are ADVANCED UNFUN. The bosses in Superstars miraculously managed to take everything that wasn't fun about the classics and some of the worst parts of the 3D games then smashed them together into one unholy freak of nature.

When I say they took "everything that wasn't fun", I mean it. I can just copy and paste the exact same problems. It's been 30 years and yet there were zero improvements. What makes Superstars so bad is when they combined all of these existing issues with the longer and more cinematic (repetitive) boss fights. So in total we have:

Controls that feel sluggish in this context.

A physics engine that will punish you even if you land the attack.

A large hitbox.

Some bosses are unclear when and how you're able to deal damage.

Some bosses that will just ignore your attacks sometimes (if they feel like it).

Bosses are stapled on the end of levels, forcing you to replay the boss every time you replay the level, or vice versa.

Bosses that are upwards of several minutes long (sometimes feeling longer than the level itself), all with no checkpoints.

Bosses that have long, tedious, and uninterruptable attack cycles that you have to repeat over and over if you die or replay the level.

A camera that sometimes won't show vital information.

And on top of everything else, they're buggy. Sometimes you or your rings clip through the ground. Sometimes bosses spawn right on top of you. Sometimes the emerald powers wig out or just refuse to work. Sometimes the performance on Switch gets so bad that you can barely even play it, let alone beat it. The only real saving grace with Superstars's bosses is that you can sometimes cheese them with emeralds.

In most Sonic games, the bosses are merely a brief low point. In Sonic Superstars, they're actively ruining the rest of the game. Because they're long, unfun, and unfair I just...

I just have no words.

#gaming #rant #sonic the hedgehog

0 notes

beatsboy · 1 year

Text

3.21

okay so i'm panicking. maybe it's because a lot of things are all happening at once, and i'm supposed to be the one who's calm on the outside. i told everyone i had this under control. i have to be daddy, for what feels like, all the time these days. and it's not that i don't want to be. it's not even that i don't like it. but there are levels. there are the times when it's fun, and there are times when it is fucking frightening. everyone says, do this or do that, and i am the one who has to make sure it doesn't fall apart. i make it happen. in the end. all the time.

or maybe it's because i just can't shake it. the feeling i was able to talk myself out of a year ago, but am, for some reason feeling again now. i think about her all the time. and something that felt so hidden, is suddenly crashing in with the rest of my world, and i can't keep it to myself anymore. and all i ever wanted was to have her to myself. i knew i couldn't, though, and i tried so hard to be okay with that. and even as a friend, i told her i needed more from her. and i did. but beign around her now, i still feel it. i felt it when she rested her head on my shoulder, and almost instinctively, when i responded wordlessly by placing my hand on her knee. like we always knew we'd end up back here.

and i find myself feeling possessive, even now. obsessive, even. i looked for her in every person in that crowd, as i often have in places i thought i might see her. (i just spent 30 minutes and am still spending time trying to locate the hotel we spent our first night together in because i've hyperfixated on it for the last 2 weeks and cannot think of anything else.) update: i didn't find it. the way i've felt the same withdrawals i did with zeke, the way my body can't seem to handle missing her now that i know it's so close. the way i feel it in my gut every time she doesn't text me back. maybe i always knew that was why i was so hurt when she chose so many other people over me. even though i knew she'd have me if i said so, every time.

but then part of me tells myself that what i want is just to get off on feeling like i have this sick twisted place in her life that no one can replace. i looked for her everywhere in that club. in every face, every tall blonde femme in the crowd. and it felt just like--like such edward cullen shit. like a fucking vampire in the club, glaring out suspiciously, waiting for my lost lover to arrive so i can protect her. and of course, by the time i did find her, she was already pretty drunk, which i hate to admit, but is one of my favorite tropes. i love keeping a pretty drunk girl safe. maybe it's because i somehow think i'm the only person equipped for the job, but i love guiding her through the crowd by her pinky, holding her hand, holding her hair. god, the things you are able to romanticize after growing to hate with a year of distance.

dead people get off easy, their actions forever memorialized in only the good stuff. this is what i have to remember, though, about CX. i have to remember all the parts, why i chose TB, why i didn't even tell him there was a choice. why i pretend like i never loved her, not like that. why i told jo that i wasn't serenading her when i sang you and i--i was. because of course i was. because the only reason i wanted to be open was so i could taste her again. because the feelings inside me were getting to be a bit--much. because the only reason i even thought about being poly for a second was so i could be with her. because i realized i couldn't share her. because i realized i needed someone who could take care of me, too. because i realized i needed more in a partner. and i decided this before even giving her a chance, but that doesn't mean i think i made the wrong decision.

i think i made the right decision. i thought i did. but then my body went into full-on fight or flight mode after our first queer couples counseling consultation where we found out the cost was 5k. and i fucking went along with that, like no problem. i saw TB's eyes light up, and they said there was a waitlist, and there were only two open spots (smart) and i said yes, and the first payment went through for $1666. so the invoice came in, and i saw the angel numbers: 666.

so it's a sign to refocus. but on what? am i supposed to be doing this therapy? or is this telling me that i need to not focus on this so much, and that i'm about to waste a bunch of money on shit solutions for a relationship that i might be done trying for.

so there it is. the fear. the fear that after all this time, after accepting so much, that i still love her more than i love him. that i waited for him to evolve, and he has, but not into her. that i told myself that would happen at all. but what if i'm the type to jump ship when i feel a better option? i am proud of myself for sticking it out in this relationship, but i can feel myself become more distant from TB by the day.

i know objectively i can't break up with him. i shouldn't. but i want to. i know i'll regret it, but right now, i want to.

i can't even think about her without my stomach dropping. and of course, i feel guilty because he is already being so trusting with me, encouraging me to pursue this friendhsip again. and obviously it's not even an option right now, but i can't stop thinking about her, and it doesn't feel the way i know friendship feels.

it's not the way i feel around ayesha. it's not the way i ever felt with AS or AB. i just feel--like helpless lately when i think of her. but maybe i just crave newness. maybe i just can't be satisfied with something for long enough. and here i am, and what the fuck am i going to do if he leaves? if i make him leave? he doesn't want to leave. i know. i can tell. but i just keep drifting away. i know he can feel it. i can see it in his face.

i think i fucked up. i don't know how but i feel like i massively fucked up. what have i done where am i what did i do is it normal to feel this panicky when investing in your relationship with your partner?

fuck, i feel the way i felt like with JB, but i also feel like JB? like i became JB? yeah, no, that's what this feels like. more so. like i just fucking need to see her. and i have never needed that from TB, mostly because he's always been here.

and how did i make a song that used to make me sad make me think of her and make me sad all over again? how am i pining again

how am i pining again

i thought i was over this shit

i need to tell someone

there is no one to tell

because everyone got to love her but me

one more night holding your hand, not

knowing what might find me at home.

one more night underneath my sheets--i

feel more than i see, and this has

always been my favorite way to

get to know you.

one more night pretending that we could have it all

because why am i still so in love

with the way your smile

pours into me

#relationshipissues #journalposting #queerrelationships #openrelationship #deardiary #diaryposting #thoughts #rawthoughts #truthposting #vagueposting #relationshipdrama #tea #adhd #audhd #trans #dysphoria

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bl6ckr0s3 · 1 year

Text

Returning To Therapy

I didn't expect that I was going to find myself back on this website again. The last time I was on here was May of 2021. I had 3 months free trial due to a relative referring me to this website because she uses this website for therapy for the past couple of years at least. It really has helped me during my hard time of trauma and anxiety last year right after me and the father of my son, Ricky broke up. I think it was probably the most horrible way of breaking up, but sometimes the memory takes me back to regrets in wishing that I should've dumped my ex boyfriend super early before I ended up getting pregnant by him by mistake. I had a therapist that I spoke on here from Apr. 2021 - May 2021. Unfortunately, he has stopped working for this company, and since my free trial was ending, I had stopped using therapy for those reasons. I didn't want to have to explain my situation of my happenings all over again, but then again I'm going to have to throughout the period of my life as I repeat my story to a new person or friend I end up bringing this subject to.

This is the most painful subject I have had to relive over and over in my mind. It's been 2 years since me and my ex, Ricky broke up. Up until today, I still deal with Ricky's drama. He's so use to talking down and insulting me trying to control everything, telling me what to do, what I should do, or what I shouldn't do, it makes me sick. I'm so over all this already. He is such a manipulative compulsive lying piece of shit, I just wonder why a human being like this is still alive and breathing? I always have to come back to remind myself that this is the worst harsh life lesson I have ever had to learn. What makes it harder is having a child with a piece of shit human such as this. There were times where I thought of having an abortion when I was pregnant with my son. Other times, I wish I had a miscarriage so that I would never have to be stuck in contact with Ricky ever again. It's against the Holy Bible to abort a child because it's basically murder. I went through what I had to went through. I had my baby after working through 9 months until my water broke. I learned what I was able to learn and did my motherly duties.

My son was taken away from me in court because of my work schedule. I worked the swing shift for the U.S. Postal Service of a distribution center, but I didn't expect that that should be a reason to take my child away from me. Especially being employed for almost 10 years without being laid off or fired. Ricky was incapable of keeping a job. He didn't like to work. I saw it in his actions that he didn't stay with his part time truck driving jobs very long when we were dating in the beginning. It was also verified by his ex-wife, Lissandra that he didn't like to work either. They had a job working at Starbucks together and there were days where he didn't show up for work. Other times he would take her car when she needed it when she was pregnant with their first son and would disappear for days with her car (which was under her father's name at the time). Ricky didn't work for 2 years at least. He lived off of unemployment right after he quit his truck driving jobs. This was right before the pandemic happened. He used his time off of working as an excuse to stay home and take care of the baby. We went to court for almost the whole year. Each month that came by, I dreaded coming in contact with Ricky because I didn't know what to expect him to say or do. During the baby exchanges, I had to make sure I was recording everything on my phone in case he made a dumb choice to do or say something stupid and I would have evidence. I recorded a couple of audio recordings of the way he talked to me when he was trying to fight with me when he was drunk. This was right before we broke up. I saved all of his old text messages on the night he was drunk right before he kicked me out of my own apartment. I recorded him coming within 100 ft of me when we had our restraining orders in place while my cousin was by my side. I have old court paperworks of his divorce of him demanding property and claiming that he owned this this and that from Lissandra and her family during their divorce.

I had 2 lawyers that I needed by my side to keep my anxiety down dealing with Ricky in court. Sadly, I felt that the first lawyer wasn't very helpful and that he was hard to get a hold of when I needed to talk to him about certain issues so I got my refund back from the lawfirm company that referred him to me and found a local lawyer in San Bernardino to try to help with my case. I only paid $1k down to began her services, but as the continuances continued throughout the year and the bills were racking up, I started finding myself not being able to pay my lawyer for the remainder of her services. I think she was getting frustrated in fighting for me and helping me which ended up leading me to lose my case later on. I didn't know what to do at the time. My family wasn't there for me when I needed them. I didn't have many friends nearby. I was alone. I felt helpless. I didn't have much of a choice, but to let the custody go to Ricky since his ass wasn't working still. He was living with his sister in San Bernardino after I had him kicked him out.

It was funny, but it wasn't a big surprise when Ricky went back to his ex gf, Wilma. The girl he was only dating for a few months that he ended up cheating on with me when we both began dating was willing to help him because nobody else would. Wilma told mer her side of the story when we were closely talking a couple months back. She didn't know what was going on with Ricky. Only that he all of the sudden stopped contact with her and disappeared. She didn't know what happened or what went wrong. She didn't do anything wrong. During this time, Ricky lied to me that he broke up with Wilma and that she refuse to accept the truth and didn't want him to leave. I thought there were major red flags when he was sleeping in his car a lot. When he was truck driving, he would sleep in the trucks sometimes, too because he doesn't have a home. His sister and brother in law has their own home in San Bernardino, but I don't think they really had a close relationship because he doesn't seem to talk to family members much unless he needed something. The night he was driving really drunk to see me in Pomona when I was staying over at my family's home and wouldn't stop calling my phone was the major red flag that I should've stopped seeing him. This was during the time that I ended my marriage with my ex husband, Brian. Brian was still living in the apartment, so I didn't want to see him during the weekend when I was off work so I would leave the apartment to either be with Ricky or stay at my family's house. I should've stopped seeing Ricky there. I shouldn't have answered the phone. I should've shut of my phone that night and went to sleep. I think during that time was when I found out I ended up being pregnant.

I never planned on having children in my life. Children was never part of my lifestyle. After I gave birth to my son, Lim, he changed me spiritually. I love my son with all my heart, but dealing with his father is still a nightmare today.

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