a tangled cord

I told my therapist something the other week and she really liked how I worded it, so i will share it with you all:

You know how wired earbuds always get tangled in your pocket somehow, and you have to spend ages untangling it? Well sometimes, my thoughts feel like tangled headphone cord. My mind feels chaotic, disorganized, and messy. When I try to untangle it, I’m met with frustration, irritation, and eventually, giving up. And if i try to brute force my way into untangling it, I risk breaking or damaging the cord.

So I take a step back to breathe and focus on other things. There’s no rush to untangle the cord. When I return to it with a fresh mind, I’m able to focus more on how to untangle it. I take it one step at a time, focusing on smaller areas first before looking at the whole picture. Maybe I could even ask for help from someone, as they might catch something I missed or offer a different perspective. Slowly but surely, as you work together, the cord unravels and things start to make more sense. Clarity is within your reach, and before you know it, eureka! The cord has been untangled, and your thoughts are much more coherent. You feel a sense of achievement and relief. The problem that’s been causing you so much stress is finally solved.

Disorganized thoughts are the tangled cord of the mind. Untangling it can feel a daunting task to undertake. But you don’t have to do it alone, and you don’t have to do it right away. You have time, and you have help. Set it aside for a moment, revisit it when you’re ready, and take it one step at a time. Before you know it, you’ll be listening to your favorite music once again.

This is kind of a morbid thought to be having at 1 in the morning, but…

If death were anything like sleeping and dreaming, then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I wouldn’t mind being in a permanent dreamlike state for all of eternity.

sorry i cant hang out i forgot how to mimic human like behaviour

It makes me happy when they listen

the phrase ‘this is my first time being alive’ has done wonders for me recently. Yeah, I don’t know how to navigate this situation! It’s brand new to me and I’m learning on the fly, aren’t humans such wonderfully adaptive creatures?

I have a love-hate relationship with the ssri known as Paxil. When I was on it I felt fantastic, at least for a little while. But if I missed a single day, I turned into the biggest asshole known to mankind. When they temporarily increased my dose at the hospital, I felt almost unstoppable, which when coupled with my psychotic episode made for an interesting experience. I would even say it made me manic based on my behavior at the time.

I quit Paxil for good in 2022 but I didn’t exactly do it properly or the way my psychiatrist recommended. I did it cold turkey lol. This turned out to be a mistake as I had relapsed and had another, less severe psychotic episode, along with intense irritability. I actually managed to piss off some of my closest friends due to my behavior at the time, which was inexcusable, but it just goes to show how drastically one can change if they aren’t careful with their meds.

I don’t think I’ll ever go back to using Paxil. While it was the most effective ssri for me, the consequences of missing a dose as well as the awful experience of quitting it doesn’t feel like it’s worth the temporary boost in mood. I’d rather be at a consistent mid to low level mood than have intense highs and lows while on the meds.

I always find it amusing when people are vehemently against putting depressed people on SSRI meds because their reasoning is almost always “it will alter their brain chemistry”

like yeah, that’s kind of the point, it’s not a secret that these meds change the way the brain functions. that’s why they’re called psychiatric meds

I have a mild physical ailment that I got checked for today but apparently I can’t be put on medication for it because it would interfere with my ssri and antipsychotic meds. So I just gotta tough it out i guess

my anhedonia is eating me alive so i’m making these mental illness memes to cope

having this illness feels like I’m playing 5d chess with myself and losing

Isn’t it amazing how your day can be going so well, until one bad thing happens, and then it all starts to fall apart?

Last minute phone checkup scheduled with my therapist tomorrow. I’m having a rough time and I don’t think I can wait till friday so she put aside a bit of time tomorrow to check in on me. in the meantime these next several hours are going to feel like mental torture. I don’t even think i can sleep so I’m just going to draw or paint or play a game or do literally anything I can to distract myself until I can talk to her

tumblr is so cool u can open it and witness like 19 forms of psychosis within 3 1/2 minutes

Something that helps me is knowing that there's a community online of people with thought disorders. One of the worst feelings I had in the past was thinking there was hardly anyone like me. Knowing others on the schizo spectrum have survived and/or thrived gives me strength.

It sucks that we have to tread carefully when talking to mental health professionals, lest we get thrown into a psych ward against our will

They want us to be honest but we get punished for that honesty