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#there is something wrong with me ✨ Psychology ✨

prettypipedream · 20 days

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Reaching the physically ill state of being ridiculously overwhelmed by tsc coming out. Like that level of anxiety that makes me want it to never come out or anyone to ever talk about it. Makes we want to scoop my brain out with a spoon. Just me???? Probably just me.

#something is wrong with me ✨psychologically✨#Take your meds kids #tsc #the sunshine court #all for the game #aftg #jean moreau #jeremy knox #jerejean #renee walker #jean moreau x renee walker #nora sakavic

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lepidopterrans · 8 months

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Streamer doing a mediashare night and they get sent a hypnosis video so they become a mindless fucktoy in front of their whole audience ❤️

#my stuff #dubcon #hypnokink #mind control #ask to tag #theres something wrong with me ✨psychologically✨

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outro-jo · 9 months

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skz and their black cat partner

pairing: skz members x (gn) reader

type: headcanon?

warnings: none really

request: yes?

notes: i got an interesting request and i wasn’t sure how to go about it until i saw this svt reaction and so i went more this route

how i personally define a black cat personality: dark energy/vibe usually accompanied by a dark aesthetic but doesn’t always have to. not super fond of affection or prefers affection on their own terms. sassy with good quips and comebacks. has an interest in “darker” topics such as horror, the occult, “dark” psychology, etc. chronically unbothered. FIERCELY protective once you gain their love/loyalty. occasionally unhinged and feral (gets the zoomies whether physical or mental/verbal). big scorpio energy tbh

not taking requests at this time/clearing out inbox

masterlist | info

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chan- think of how he is with lee know and seungmin sometimes. yeah. like when you’re sitting there like 😐😒, he’s squishing you and sticking his face in yours affectionately. you’re his baby. there are times when he respects your space but for the most part he’s all over you. most of the time he’s the protector but there have been a few times he’s seen your protective side and the pride he feels???? omg

lee know- omg he loves it sm. he already has the sunshine to his grumpy with some of the other boys. so you’re just like him. his fav thing though is when you get a burst of energy (zoomies) usually at the end of the day and you’re just goofing off with him. he LOVES to tease you. not rly the way chan does where it’s all cutesy but he just kinda pokes at you… physically and metaphorically. he just loves having someone he can chill with and really be himself.

changbin- so he likes to play that he’s this dark boy but he’s really a softie. he gets kinda nervous sometimes when you’re too quiet that he’s done something wrong but you do this thing where when you’re sitting together you take his hand and put it where you want affection at that moment. like you’ll just hold his hand or put his hand on your head and he just :> “oh so you do like me???”

hyunjin- he’s finally found someone as sassy as him. the funniest thing (for others really) is when something happens and you both kinda share the same look of confusion and disgust (judgement). everything is just really calm and lowkey with you, which he loves but then when you’re both alone you kinda bounce off the walls together.

han- beast boy x raven (gn) vibes. like he is an absolute SIMP for you. he thrives with a darker, kinda emo or goth partner. even if that’s not rly your aesthetic, he just likes having a partner that’s more lowkey to balance him out but whenever you do get your bursts of energy he always matches it and it’s kinda magical. you’re the one usually teasing him and it’s funny bc it’ll either fluster the hell out of him or like he didn’t even catch it. you 1000% become like a security blanket in human form for him.

felix- grumpy x sunshine. now, he’s not the type to poke fun at you or anything or tease you when you’re in your more quiet, grumpy moments. he just kinda sits there like the sunshine he is and loves you through it. damn, is he cute. he has you melting instantly but you obviously can’t show that. he loves to cuddle you even when you’re stiff as a board, unsure what to do with affection. felix also does this super 🫠🫠🫠 thing where he randomly tells you you’re pretty (✨gn✨) AND ITS ALWAYS WITH THE CUTEST FACE SCRUNCH and then gives you a little peck leaving you like 🧍🏻😳

seungmin- you two actually have similar energy but he’s like the dog version? i wouldn’t necessarily call him a black lab or anything, he’s just kinda the puppy version of you. (idk how to make it make sense. iykyk) you two just kinda vibe together and enjoy each other’s company without having to say a lot which is super nice. you just have this like rhythm and comfortability with each other that is just so ✨✨✨. there’s also this insane sixth sense with each other where you both feel out what’s going on in the room and know what to do without saying a word to each other. the amount of times where y’all have been hanging out with friends only to get up and leave without any notice to anyone else to be like, “yeah, we’re gonna go” bc both of your social batteries have drained and you two just need to go watch some tv. you’re both also incredibly protective of each other when necessary.

i.n- he just finds everything you do so adorable and endearing. think wednesday and enid but he doesn’t rly have the enid aesthetic, just vibes. you have more of a dark side which he admittedly kinda loves. you could be sitting there sharpening knives and he’s like, “aren’t they the cutest!” (exaggeration but you get the idea) you just exist and he’s your biggest fan though. omg you smiled at him once (kinda sarcastically) and it made his whole year.

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torialefay · 3 months

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🗝️ Sun in Scorpio ♠️

minho as your boyfriend!!! (pt. 1)

(based on astrology) 🔞

✨minho x reader (f); possessive fluff, slightly suggestive at the end

✨take a look into lee know’s natal chart to see what type of boyfriend he would be! in this post, i will be talking about his sun in scorpio. this is a series!!! so follow up later if u want more <3

✨i will give a brief synopsis of what each chart placement means (for all my non-astrology friends out there <3) and how that would affect minho in a relationship :)

✨word count: ~2k

✨ author’s notes:

★★ (1) i do do brief astrological compatibility readings if anyone wants one! if you’re interested, message me your birth date, time, and location OR lmk your placements. i’m gonna limit the reading to include you x 1 skz member only! just specify who you’d like.

(2) i am wanting to get better at using neutral-gendered pronouns so more people can feel included in my posts. i’m really struggling since i use phrases like “my girl” a lot. anyone who has some good alternatives or tips, please message and lmk! i really want to be able to start cranking out more gn options!

(3) the aspects in this reading are based solely on my opinions and interpretations! nothing about a person is set in stone simply because of astrology. please don’t use anything i say as canon :)

(4) i will not be going into ascendant or house placements because lee know’s birth time has not been confirmed for AM or PM

✨warnings: some explicit language

✨ tl/dr: minho as your boyfriend will spoil the shit out of you and charm you until you can’t help but live and breathe him. he’s got to keep a grasp on you at all times- literally AND figuratively.

Sun in Scorpio: Sun signs are all about personality- the face you show the world! It is also the lens through which you usually see yourself and how friends would describe you.

• Scorpio has two planetary rulers- Mars and Pluto. Mars is the ruler of action and aggression, while Pluto is the ruler of transformation and rebirth. Scorpio is an amazing mixture of the two, as it embodies strong desires, innate control, and deep mental and supraphysical understanding.

• Scorpios encapsulate passion. They tend to have a deep understanding of others and can utilize this power to their advantage. They are able to influence others to do as they wish. Scorpios have a deep understanding of beauty and admire things that could be seen as dark, different, or strange to others.

• Scorpios have a tendency to become obsessive, controlling even, if not careful. They get fully engrossed into who other people are and want others to fully engross themselves in them as well.

• Scorpios are known for their creative and expressive nature- something that comes naturally to them. Because of this, they can really shine in areas such as art or drama, historian or detective, intuitive research or psychology, and are amazing for dabbling in the occult.

As your boyfriend:

• He is super protective over you. He’s always watching behind you as you do something to make sure you’re okay and no one is bothering you… And to be honest, I don’t think many people WOULD bother you, knowing you were the person with a psycho boyfriend (in a good way <3).

• He would bring you lunch any chance he got. If you were at work/school and he knew you hadn’t brought lunch or hadn’t had lunch that day, he’d definitely bring you something- whether he picked it up or made it himself. It also gives him an excuse to see you and check on you during the day.

• He knows when you are having a bad day. And he knows exactly how you need him to act in order to help you deal with it. When he senses something is wrong, he will pull you onto his lap in a hug and tell you to talk to him about it.

• Other people think he’s cold, but he’s definitely not with you. He loves you and nurtures you. He takes pride in knowing every part of you. He loves that there is a side of him that is specifically for you and not for the rest of the world. He’d like it if you were the same.

• He loves when the both of you have a chance to get dressed up. To look good for one another and just enjoy the other’s company.

• He loves nice dates, ones where he can make a grand gesture to make you feel loved and special.

• That’s why it was no surprise when he’d texted you earlier to dress up pretty for him and he’d be at your apartment to pick you up at 8.

• This was a monthly occurrence. Him surprising you with a nice date- and when I say nice, I mean NICE.

• Yes, you went on smaller dates a lot too, but he made it a priority to spoil you with something bigger at least once a month.

• So here you were, all dressed up in your favorite dark blue satin dress. It looked absolutely enchanting with it’s spaghetti strap and cowl neck top with a deep slit running up the side.

• You made sure to do your hair his favorite way- loose curls all brought to one side.

• You gave yourself one final look in the mirror, swiping on a glossy coat over your lip stain before heading out the door. Minho was already waiting on you downstairs.

• When he saw you like this, he always smirked.

• ‘Looking so beautiful all for me,’ he thought.

• Once you got to him, he just smiled at you, taking your hand in his.

• “Now, are you going to tell me where we’re off to?” you asked.

• “Shhh, you’ll see,” he kissed your hand, leading you out to the car.

• He always made sure to open the car door for you and make sure you were buckled before you took off.

• And of course he always had to rest one hand in his favorite spot- gripping onto one of your thighs. It was harder when you had a dress on, but he’d never let that stop him. He needed to always have a hold on you.

• Arriving at your destination, it was a quaint building you didn’t recognize. You’d never been here before, but it seemed to be a small restaurant with only a few (very nice) cars in the parking lot.

• The valet rushed to the car to speak with Minho and grab the keys.

• You smiled up at your boyfriend as he walked around to your side of the car, opening the door for you and taking your hand in his to help you stand.

• As you made your way toward the restaurant, he made sure to hold tightly to the one hand, while the other stabilized on your hip, making sure you were safe while ascending the few steps in front of you.

• “Hello, can I get your name please?” the host of the restaurant asked as you stepped inside. It was a beautiful restaurant- dark and sensual. There was very minimal lighting, but what they did have gave a beautiful warm glow. The sleek bar to the right shined bright from the sparkly crystal bottles aligning each of the shelves- luxury liquor only.

• “Lee,” he said, matter of factly, only taking a brief moment to look at the host. Tonight, his eyes were only on you.

• The host presented a big smile before stepping to the side and motioning for you to follow him. “Great, Mr. Lee. Right this way.”

• Minho let you walk just slightly in front of him, always watching your back to make sure he had a full view of you. One hand continued to rest on your hip. It was like it was glued there. He never wanted to lose contact with you.

• The host led you down one of the dimly-lit aisles and to the back of the building. Off to itself, he rounded a corner to lead to a beautiful, private, screened-in room in the back. It sat adjacent to a huge lake, which could be seen through the mesh netting of the “walls” that enclosed you. With the moon shining bright over the water and the stars on full display, it was a captivating view.

• Minho pulled your seat out for you to sit before pushing you in towards the table. You allowed yourself this moment to look around the beautiful secluded room. It was still dark like the interior of the building, with the nice, warm lighting. But there was an even more bewitching feeling to it through the beautiful scenery and soft music that was emanating from afar. It was absolutely breathtaking.

• If there was anything Minho knew how to do, it was how to wine and dine you. He made sure to start the evening with ordering a full bottle of your favorite reserve red wine. He loved the way you looked and smiled at him after a glass or two- how lovey dovey you got for him and how you began to try and charm him, getting all giggly, before the night was over with.

• He encouraged you to get whatever you wanted off the menu- even if it was the most expensive thing by far, he wanted you to have it. He was never going to let you pay anyways.

• Once you decided what you wanted, he always wanted you to tell him so that he could order for you. It wasn’t that he thought you were incapable of ordering for yourself, but he wanted you to know that you would always be taken care of when he was there. He didn’t want you to have to take your attention off of him for one second.

• Your heart always swelled as you watched him order- for some odd reason. And he never ordered just what the two of you wanted. No way. He made sure to always order at least 3 or so dishes so that you could share with each other and sample everything. He would make sure to have something on the table that his baby loved.

• Even if you were absolutely stuffed, if he noticed there was still wine in your glass, he would always order a dessert for the two of you to share. And although he wouldn’t admit it, this was also a way to extend his time out with you.

• He’d make sure to do all the gross romantic stuff with you, like feeding you a bite of the crème brulèe straight from his spoon. He definitely didn’t want to overdo it though and would NOT do it unless you two were in private.

• At the end of the evening, after your head felt light and bubbly from the wine and your stomach was full, he made sure to tip the waiter very generously. You loved that about him. That’s why the restaurant owners and workers always loved to see the two of you back.

• Taking the last sip of your whine, you leaned in with a smile, half-whispering “thank you for dinner, jagi.”

• “Thank you for being here with me, love,” he said back. Slowly, he stood from his chair, so naturally you waited in yours as he always requested, so that he could again pull your chair out before you stood.

• He made his way over as usual, but he didn’t put his hands on the chair.

• Instead, he placed one hand on the nape of your neck, bending down to plant a soft kiss to your shoulder and then to the side of you neck.

• You let out a giggle as you started to blush. “Stop itttt, you know we can’t do that here.”

• “I know, but I had to at least get a little bit out,” he smiled smugly.

• Suddenly, you saw his hands both in front of you and a cold sensation on your chest. You looked down to see a beautiful silver pendant resting just between your collar bones.

• “What’s this?” you asked, as you felt his hands secure the latch at the back of your neck.

• He walked to your side so that he could see your face and bent down, resting one knee on the ground.

• “Why don’t you look at it and tell me?”

• You picked the small-ish pendant up to examine it. On the front, in dainty cursive font read “LMH”. Lee Min Ho.

• The back had a single, small diamond implanted in it. Around it’s edges, it had a Latin phrase inscription. You read it aloud. “Aut viam inveniam aut faciam?” You tried to make the words out, looking to your boyfriend for confirmation.

• “That’s right jagi. ‘I will either find a way or make one’. For you.” He smiled up at you, as your looked at him with eyes of endearment. The love you had for this man was unbearable. You could hardly stand the emotions that he made you feel.

• He gently reached out for your hand, planting a gentle kiss to it, before standing up and motioning for you to do the same.

• Once you were upright on your feet, he leaned in next to your ear. “It looks beautiful on you, by the way,” he whispered seductively.

• You smirked, the boldness of the wine starting to manifest out of you. “I’ll keep it on for you later. Everything else is coming off,” you winked.

• His eyes grew large for a split second before turning himself so that he body was right up against yours. He swiftly let his hands wonder to your waist, then hips, then grab lightly at your ass.

• “That sounds perfect,” he planted a small, sweet kiss to your lips. “But that necklace is never coming off of you. Promise me. Promise me you’ll wear it at all times, and I’ll always be with you.” He looked at you, his face full of sincerity and genuine lust.

• “Anything for you,” you gave in to him before leaning in for another slow kiss.

• You knew that’s exactly what he wanted. For you to give yourself fully to him. You’d play around with him later, but for now, you would give yourself up. He knew you were his.

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✨ author’s note: lowkey thinking this man put a tracker in the necklace lol. he just wants to know you’re safe and also wants to be able to know where you are at all times. but it’s up to you what you want to think 🤷‍♀️

✨ if you enjoyed, please consider liking, commenting, or re-blogging <3

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desolatespring · 10 months

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Imagine Yan Chrollo switching out darlings medication with sleeping pills and she recognizes and confronts him about it 💃💃💅✨

Sonata

CW: drugging, manipulation, yandere behavior, insinuated noncon

The dull ache in your muscles only strengthened your reasoning to stay in bed. The warmth of the silken sheets far too tempting to resist.

Maybe your vitamin D levels were low from being cooped inside all the time? Surely that could result in this fatigue plaguing you.

You sigh. ‘1, 2, 3.’ You force yourself to get out of bed, stifling the tired groan from escaping your lips, knowing it would only alert Chrollo to your wakefulness.

Moving as quietly as possible you enter the bathroom down the hall from your bedroom. You open the door only partway, having memorized how far it’ll open before the worn hinges creak.

Pausing a moment you wait to hear footsteps but they never come. You allow yourself a small smile before opening the medicine cabinet, it wasn’t often you could move about without him noticing. You grab the bottle of vitamins and inwardly curse at the small click the cap makes as you remove it.

You decide to take a double dose, surely if you’re this sore and exhausted a little extra nutrients would be harmless. Besides, you have bigger issues to deal with. Speaking of issues, here he comes.

The bathroom door opens fully to reveal your sardonic captor. “Feeling a little under the weather?”

“Crazy what a life of imprisonment will do to you.”

Chrollo frowns; to this day you can’t read the authenticity of his actions.

“Darling, I’d hardly consider you a prisoner. You have all the freedoms I grant you.”

You hold your tongue. It didn’t take long for you to realize ill responses towards Chrollo always left you in the negative. He was a leech, always eager to suck up any emotion you donned him.

Disregarding his bait you dump two pills into your hand. As you raise your palm to your mouth, impatient to get your healing underway, you notice the once gel shell has taken on an almost chalky coating.

Maybe there was something wrong with the bottle? Now that you’d come to think of it, since starting this new batch you’d been feeling off. Though you hadn’t been made aware of any recalls.

Unease settles into you, making home comfortably into your amygdala. With abject horror you’d come to understand your current situation.

“You- You’ve been…drugging me?”

Chrollo leans against the doorway, seemingly studying you. His vacant stare only confirming your suspicions. When he doesn’t respond you realize he’s trying to coerce you into a more emotional reaction.

Sensing your trepidation he decides he’ll have to bait you further. “I didn’t want to have to succumb to such drastic measures, but you just wouldn’t give in to me any other way.”

His words seep into your mind and you’ve come face to face with yet another insidious revelation. The bruises on your hips, the soreness in your legs; you’d always been clumsy, but forgetting how your injuries came to be was never a fault of yours.

Before you have time to stop yourself the open bottle leaves your fist and your spewing an array of curses directed at the man wryly smiling at you.

Chrollo eats it up. Always so gluttonous for your inner turmoil. How special he was to be the only one to witness your world crumbling around you. Your tears a divine performance for which only he was privy to. The animosity, confusion, and terror only a testimony of your devotion to him. How dear you were to him, if it wasn’t for your sanctified portrayal of pain he wouldn’t have to inflict such psychological wounds upon you.

#chrollo #chrollo x reader #yandere chrollo #yan chrollo

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thesherrinfordfacility · 9 months

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Crowley's flaws: I think Gaiman accidentally wrote himself into a hole that he either doesn't see or doesn't know how to escape, and he fell into the hole when he decided to turn what was a political allegory into a psychologized relationship issue. Pratchett's understanding of evil is rooted in post-WWII thinking about totalitarianism, in which unthinkable acts are perpetrated by bureaucracies staffed by "normal" people, and resistance comes from individuals who become aware of what this routinization really conceals. This is consistent across the Discworld novels, not just GO. What GO does is take this point and filter it through C. S. Lewis' THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS (the hell-as-bureaucracy model, which NG and TP then extend to Heaven). In the novel, there's a direct line from Crowley's "hung out with the wrong people" to the moment at the airfield when he tries to reject Aziraphale's claim that they're both responsible for the mess the humans are in because they were "only doing our jobs." That's a textbook example of what we now call the Nuremberg defense ("just following orders/just doing my job"). The fandom loves romanticizing this aspect of Crowley's character--he has trauma! he's a proto-Marxist with demonic class consciousness!--but when Crowley busts out this kind of reasoning, he gives way to /evil/, just as Aziraphale does when he tries to justify the ways of Heaven to himself. Any fan who wants to be uncomfortable ought to read Hannah Arendt's EICHMANN IN JERUSALEM and then go back and look at Crowley's dialogue again, because boy howdy. But when it comes to their relationship, the transgression is not /personal/.

In the series, the political allegory has vanished, and the direct line runs from Crowley's "it's not my fault" to manipulating Aziraphale into killing the Antichrist. So far, so good, sort of? Gaiman had to remind the fandom that we aren't supposed to buy Crowley's excuses, all of which are bad. He's called out on the "why me" bit three times in the first episode alone. But by the end, there is no sign that Aziraphale understands that he has been manipulated, and no sign that Crowley understands that he did something wrong! The moral epiphany Crowley had in the novel vanishes, so we are left with a nasty /personal/ transgression that neither character understands as such. Aziraphale, by contrast, keeps owning up to his mistakes (at the bar, to Adam during the timestop, on the park bench). Part of this has to do with comedy and its lack of object permanence, so to speak. However, instead of facing up to the conflict it's created for itself, the series drops the whole thing like a Hellfire-hot potato, and so appears to conclude that there's nothing wrong when one character repeatedly takes advantage of another one's gullibility, sometimes in destructive ways. The question is to what extent the new writer has any opinions about this, or even notices.

i have no words........ 👀 a very interesting and thought-provoking take. i dig it. i never thought to look at the tonal comparison of the book vs. the show but this is... eye-opening. yes. YES. (and this doesn't mean that the characters nor the story are unlikeable. it means they have depth but that depth sinks into murky, terrifying, bottomless oceans just as much as clear, shiny, crystal-like reefs). YES.

also anon if you are comfortable pls message me direct i just wanna give u a lil virtual kiss a lil smooch✨

#good omens #good omens season 2 #good omens spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #i know a fair bit about ww2 socio-politics so im actually going to screenshot this and study it later but #oh man #this is a Something Else post #nonnie you have an acute and sharp mind god bless you #i love this i live for it #YUMMY. FUCKING. SOUP🍲#also my analogy is SHITE but mea culpa i am trying to work at the same time as this #not a shitpost but its good omens babyyyy #ask #the legend of the longwinded anon✨

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crystalsenergy · 3 months

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Vulnerability and human life ✨

~theme song: Resolution by Yasuharu Takanashi

(reflection pills series

by Paty | crystalsenergy)

so, what about it?...

and what if I told you:

"Express your greatest fear now. Face it, if you feel like crying, cry. Let it out. Sigh. If your chest hurts, cry more. Then, take a deep breath. It will pass. You will have let it out. And face what you feel."

...Would you say this to me?: "Wow, Paty, that's intense, why?"

if so, I'll respond: No, that isn't intense.

I am doing what needs to be done.

→ and what needs to be done?

encourage people to live naturally with the most basic thing we need to live: our feelings, our emotions.

can you imagine how many things we have bottled up and repressed, which generate various issues we face today - patterns of feeling, reacting, living, thinking, deciding. I'm not interested in just continuing my work talking about remedying, remedying, remedying the problems that I always see existing.

it's already clear that if we don't stop at some point to see what may happen because of our current and wrong way of dealing with emotions,

soon we will explode with more and more cases of mental health issues.

the problem will mainly be because the mask of "being fine" will be extremely perfect and almost impenetrable. and then it will be hard to see.

because every day, right now, we reinforce the masks of perfect and beautiful lives. and we rarely make room for what I proposed initially and which, perhaps, was strange for you to read: "cry, feel, face."

but it is also quite clear, from a psychological perspective, that stored, unassimilated, or unrestructured emotions play a significant role in defining who we are.

and although we don't deal well with our emotions, not even directing them properly,

they are our root, the most basic of what we are, the first thing we express when we are born. many of us cry when we are born, and certainly cry when we want to eat, when it hurts.

feeling is the most human thing, and are you pretending you don't have that?

it's not strong or heavy, and if you thought that when I suggested that you do the basics - spend some time with your emotions - it's probably because you're so accustomed to a vibe of not living the most internal things,

sometimes even accustomed to a life of facade, mechanized, only earthly, material, or with a lot of toxic positivity (= 'I feel something bad, and then I quickly replace the sadness with a good feeling, stuffing my sadness in a hole, without facing it, without "sitting" with it, understanding why it arose).

It's obvious that it's something simple, and quite unhealthy to do.

when we force ourselves not to feel, not to have problems, not to go through any internal mess = big negative effect on us and others, including those you don't even know.

because we get unaccustomed to our own vulnerability and we become unaccustomed to the vulnerability of others.

gradually, the natural sensitivity fades. Empathy decreases. we close ourselves off to what involves this. and we reinforce a pattern of nonexistent perfection: "constant positivity".

"Paty, so do we have to show everything?" → Obviously not. there is a huge difference between just not showing everything to everyone (1) and forcing yourself not to feel (2). it's the second case I'm focusing on. because the first one it's so normal, and who are we to disrespect each other's process and way of living their emotions? as long as you live, that's okay. each person will experience this in their own way.

now, I ask you:

was there any week in your life when you were 100% happy every day? cheerful, upbeat? c'mon,

let me know, please.

and on bad days, did you face what you felt?

did you talk about it or express it in some other way? [conversation isn't the only way to express what you feel, although it's very effective]. or did you stuff it into a hole? did you cover it up with some addiction, escapism, or toxic positivity?

Vulnerability. That's what makes us human and that's what connects us.

we long to feel. but, due to human difficulty, we have longed so much to hide and pretend to feel almost nothing, preferring to trivialize others' suffering in favor of egoic self-satisfaction, indifference, aversion, superficiality.

we don't want to admit that we have a lot of the other in us.

we want to spread that we are "self-sufficient" and don't need anyone when in the end, in the middle of the standard trajectory of "detachment" and "self-sufficiency," we have several internal expectations poorly met and extremely misdirected. and this, in the end, isn't even self-sufficiency.

blocking your emotions is blocking your humanity.

in the end, the domino you played comes back and hits your back. it will come back, unfortunately. because you're in the middle of all this: you don't differ from others in the aspect of feeling.

feeling is what connects people and reminds us of the existence of other beings. it's what makes us noble, connected.

the tears of emotion or happiness when someone gets married. It's not you getting married, but you FEEL a bit of the other's happiness.

the tears when you see someone cry, even in a movie. it's not you who feels the pain or sadness, but you feel, because you understand, even if for a brief moment, part of the other's suffering.

the smile from seeing someone achieve something,

the excitement someone transmits to you just by being excited themselves,

Mirror neurons.

the joy in seeing people laughing, ending up laughing along.

just situations to exemplify that what unites us is the feeling. so allow yourself to feel. I already allow you and am open-armed to accept all your sides, no matter how ""ugly"" they may seem, with eternal quotation marks.

It's not ugly to feel. Nor is it ugly to express.

Do not feel or label people who admit their feelings as "weak," or who "will achieve little in the world." stop seeing the next person as your adversary.

if it helps you see the problem: you are close to the other.

with you, it's just you and no one else. following your logic, with the other, it will be just the other and no one else. okay... and when you need it, what do you expect to receive if that's the way you think life works? In an extremely "me, me, me, me" way.

Accept to be more vulnerable, as much as each one can now, whether in the expression of a small affection, an observation gesture, or something big, immense. But let it exist. In your own way, but let it exist.

and it is not necessary to relate to people to remember that you're here to exchange & experience emotions. just look around you: there are so many beings needing you!

#vulnerability #reflection pills #writers on tumblr #writing #my writing #reflective #reflections #contributions #crystalsenergy

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ghost-bxrd · 17 days

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So, okay, sorry if you've mentioned this information already? But like, could I ask you to give me a spoiler for Owl Song? Idk what it is about Owl Song exactly, but something about Jason dying in that universe is really bothering me for some reason (And it's weird because like, I know Jason dies? It's like, his Thing. So I have no idea what's going on with my psychology there). And, iirc, you've said he will die in this universe. So I guess what I'm asking is like, could I get a spoiler, even if it's like, privately? Will it be okay in the end? Or is it like, where the series will end (I might be reading it wrong but it it seemed like that might be what the series summary is implying?)

And like, this is not at all meant to be a criticism or anything! And you're totally not obligated to do anything with the question or anything. Tags and things are usually fine and I was planning to just keep reading the series until one marked with MCD came up, and then I'd check the tags and evaluate from there. But idk what's going on with me, but reading any of the series is making me anxious (obvs not on you, that's clearly an issue for ✨therapy). And I'm hoping that having some idea of what to expect might help my brain be less of an asshole so I can go back to enjoying this very wonderful fantastic series I was enjoying before my brain decided to be a gigantic dick about it.

Hi! No worries 💚 I tend to avoid fics with MCD myself so this is entirely valid ✨💚

So there’s going to be exactly one more part where the batfam spends some fluffy time together, and the part of that one will be when Jason goes to Ethiopia and… dies.

I’m not entirely sure how that part is going to be structured, but it will largely deal with the fallout of that event, the grief Dick is going through, and snippets from the time Jason was in Joker’s hands.

As of now I intend to end the series with this part unless people can convince me to continue beyond Ethiopia and maybe add the Red Hood arc. But that’s still a big “if” and not at all a plan set into stone.

Hope that helps :) if not feel free to DM me 💚

#owl song #talon dick grayson

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ceaselxss · 1 month

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PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW BETTER !

alias / name : Cas or Sage !

birthday : August 19th

zodiac sign : Leo

height : 159cm

hobbies : Art, writing, cosplay, TTRPG

favourite colour : Purple (but also pink bc one of the guys in my brain is very convincing)

favourite book : Captive Prince (C.S Pacat) and All For The Game (Nora Sakavic) bc there is something wrong with me ✨ psychologically ✨

last film / show : I've been watching Dungeon Meshi! Love it. And I saw Perfect Blue the other night

recent reads : the Locked Tomb series, deep love for Australasian authors

inspiration : The general concept of loyalty? My favourite thing is fucked up devotion; it's not a key trope for all my blogs but they always end up going down some path. One of my favourite character archetypes in the world is the 'right hand man'

story behind url : He won't fucking die, he won't fucking stop.

fun fact about me : i started playing Star Rail with the full intention of not getting invested and not super bothering with lore and the character i fell in love with is definitely connected to deep lore, not only for star rail but for another game in the series, and the characters he reflects in those game are also very much my type and i have fucked up (and as of today i will finally have him)

#[Dash game]

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sillycoffeewizard · 3 months

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TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF THE GREAT AND UNIQUE TWINS LYNEY AND LYNETTE!!!! YAY!!🥳🎉🎂🌟✨

If i'm not mistaken, work on their creation started back in 2020. at that time i saw the first shot of them somewhere and loved them at first sight. i knew then that they were something more, something beautiful and magnificent. i was waiting for them

and i wasn't wrong. in the summer of 2023 i waited for their appearance with great happy in my heart and anticipation. they completely won my heart, they are really wonderful and awesome!!!! I memorized every moment with them, i reread their stories many times and listened to their voice lines

Lyney, Lynette and Freminet are the best characters in genshin impact. they have become like family for me. i think their birthday party will be the coolest party ever

i wish them to be happy, to go on with their lives, to be free from their psychological traumas and to be inseparable and go all the way hand in hand

Happy birthday, Lyney and Lynette! you will always be in my heart and I will always love you both 💞

btw they're happy because it's their birthday!!!

#genshin impact #hoyoverse #fontaine #genshin impact lyney #genshin lyney #lyney #lynette #genshin impact lynette #lyney and lynette #happy birthday lyney and lynette!!!#happy birthday #my favourite sibling #my family #i love them #be happy #Spotify

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lalabits · 20 days

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Holiday Break Productivity

As a lady born in the year of the "Horse" 🐎, it is a natural characteristic of ours to always do something productive, even during breaks. This holiday break should have been a rest or game day for me, but instead I practiced my drawing skill and continued reading "Ikigai," which I hadn't opened in weeks.

I've been practicing different "emotions or feelings" in chibi, as I haven't drawn chibis in a while.

I used to sketch "anime" rather than chibis or illustration back in elementary because I was a big fan of ✨ 90s anime ✨ like Fushigi Yuugi, Ghost Fighter, Ranma 1/2, Flame of Recca, Hell Teacher Nūbē, Oh my Goddess!, Sakura CardCaptor, Boys Be, Gatekeepers, Slam Dunk, HunterxHunter, Sailor Moon, and many more.

Unfortunately, I don't have a copy of my sketches today because I used to draw on notebooks or pad papers - I remember back in primary school, my classmates would pay me PHP 5.00 - 20.00 💰💰💰 (yup! business-minded since I was a kid 🤣) to draw their favorite anime which technically honed my skill in creating anime art and marketing/sales, but as I grew older, I outgrown drawing animes and now I prefer to draw still life or illustrations/chibis since I love anything kawaii and sketching beautiful landscape or places.

Book Review: Ikigai (Chapter 1 to 3)

I promised myself to finish this book by May 🎯; please don't get me wrong, on why I'm still not done reading this book its because I didn't have a time for reading this past few weeks due to my workload (my job), but this holiday I made sure to allocate 3-4 hours just to read this book and discovered that...

Ikigai is one of my favorite book out of my 7 new self-development books and I am now currently on Chapter 4: How to turn work and free time into space of growth - very timely to what I need nowadays, isn't it? 😀

To give you an idea why I love this book so far, one of the reason is that it tackles on how we determine our life's purpose and reasons to live more, like the centenarians in Okinawa, Japan. It also emphasize the importance of maintaining physical health by staying active even after we reach the age of 60, since sedentary lifestyle can lead to hypertension, imbalanced diet, cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, and even some cancers. Sleep plays an important role in how we can slow the aging process and build our immune system because "melatonin" is a powerful antioxidant in our bodies that contains an ingredient that protects us from cancer, Alzheimer's disease, aging, and other diseases.

This book also discussed "Logotherapy," a therapy developed by Victor Frankl that focuses on people's search for meaning in life. Unlike other therapies, logotherapy takes a spiritual approach. Frankl's logotherapy incorporates three philosophical and psychological concepts: freedom of will, will to meaning, and meaning in life.

Freedom of will asserts that we have the ability to chose and take action in response to both internal and external circumstances.

Will to meaning states that we have the freedom to follow our goal and purposes in life, which means this is our major motive for existing and doing, allowing us to bear pain and suffering.

Meaning in life is a subjective experience, but the meanings exist within us and waiting to be realized by us in any moment or in any situation.

One of the therapies that this book also tackles is the "Morita Therapy," a therapy based on the Buddhist perspective and developed by Dr. Shoma Morita, wherein the therapy focuses more on accepting the fluctuations of thoughts and feelings, embracing negative emotions, and learning how to blend with nature - if you ask me, it is quite similar to what we've learned from Grandmaster Lao Tzu (Taoism) which is

"Go with the flow, Be like water 🌊"

Sounds very profound, isn't it? 🤔 The first time I heard that, I was perplexed: how and why be like water? Then our Grandmaster taught us the value of being fluid, soft, and flexible in any situation, just like water, which takes shape wherever you put it and can adjust to any environmental changes.

Change is inevitable and if you resist it, problems will arise in your life and that's why our ancient philosophers taught us the importance of adaptability, because change is constant and not fixed; our lives are the result of constant change in our environment, feelings, emotions, interpersonal relationships, religion, and so on, and those who adapt easily win life, whereas others rot in the past, are unable to move on with their lives, and are depressed.

Like "Morita Therapy," embrace the imperfections in your life, welcome them with open arms, and acknowledge that the sentiments or emotions you're experiencing are valid. Simply accept how things are and then figure out how to mend them or overcome your own demons.

I'm about halfway through the book, but I'm looking forward to get more insights and teachings from Ikigai.

I definitely suggest this book to everyone who has ever felt empty on the inside, unable to discover their purpose in life, or simply lost.

Sincerely, Ayei 🌻

#ikigai #self help #books #practice #digital art

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hamliet · 2 years

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The Masterpiece That Is Queer as Folk

Well, right before a reboot is set to come out, I finally got around to watching a show I first heard about (albeit without knowing the name) when it came out while I was like, eight years old. I then got in huge trouble for even mentioning to my parents that a friend had told me about a show with two boys french-kissing in a shower (okay, eight would’ve been way too young to see it, but still, fundie Christian memories ✨).

And, I fell hard for this story. I genuinely think this is one of my favorite stories ever, definitely favorite TV show, with writing to parallel MXTX’s levels of wringing the most potential out of every little detail. The writing is of a consistently high quality throughout its five seasons, without a single weak season (although there was the occasional weaker plotline), which is something I don’t think I can say for pretty much any other completed TV series I’ve seen. I love, love, love this story, and those of you know have been following me for awhile know how rarely I say that.

It’s explicit, often gratuitously so, but honestly that’s part of its charm and message: it’s loud and unashamed of itself, even when that makes it crass. It’s tired of being shut up inside a closet and it’s going to make it your problem if you choose to watch (and in doing so, mimic the journeys of its characters learning to feel and love and grow into human beings without apologies).

Brian, Justin, Hunter, Ben, Michael, Debbie, Emmett, Ted--they were all fantastic characters with complexity to boot. It seemed like many of them could be stereotypes--particularly Brian or Emmett--but to call them stereotypes is blatantly wrong. There was just so much intricate complexity woven into each character’s psyche. If anything, it seemed almost like taking back the stereotypes by infusing them with humanity (one of the major themes: learning how to be human). It was existentialist, philosophical at parts, and genuinely moving.

Brian could be seen as a stereotypical promiscuous gay man, but he is really a wounded child. Melanie can seem like a typical “butch” lesbian, but she has the arguably biggest and most sentimental heart in the series. Debbie is the voice of reason and moral compass, but also can get too caught up in her beliefs that she is a good person and hurt those around her. Ted seemed like a typical “loser” character whom I actually struggled to like through the first two and a half seasons... before his descent into addiction, which felt like one of the most humanizing portrayals of addiction I’ve seen. Ben and Hunter are both HIV positive, and neither of them are characterized by their illness or have their arcs primarily be about suffering and death porn.

Admittedly, some parts haven’t aged super well. but without some of those elements (namely, the age difference between Justin and Brian), I’m not sure the story could have pulled itself off with the same poignant psychological insight, the same provocative themes, and the same character depth. So, that one I’m giving a pass on a literary perspective. Other parts that didn’t age super well are that really aren’t any trans or bisexual (although it seems like Hunter is bisexual, though the idea is never really labeled) or nonbinary characters, plus almost everyone is very white. It’s a very outdated understanding of sexuality in some ways (although in other aspects, the show is quite forward-thinking in others--for example, it says “acab” before it was cool).

So let’s break down Hamliet’s thoughts on different themes, motifs, plotlines, and symbolism. I’m going to start with Justin and Brian’s relationship, because it really did form the beating heart of the show in encapsulating, without fail, the main themes of each and every season.

Brian and Justin: Being Human Means Growing and Grieving (Season One)

Brian: Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure, and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. Then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl, and get married.

Justin: That's not what I want. I want you.

Came in skeptical about this relationship, left convinced.

Through season one, Justin and Brian’s issues build into the tragic finale through the themes of growth and loss that run through each episode of the entire season. Growth is what makes us human, but growing, living, always ends in death eventually.

At first glance, Brian seems to be the character who goes after everything he wants... but he actually is running away from what he wants. Justin is the one who actually goes after what he wants: he is super clingy to start with, to the point where it’s a bit cringe--but also, surprisingly earnest and honest.

Brian has the opposite problem to Justin’s clinginess: he’s dead inside and pushing everyone away from him. Brian acts like he owes nothing to anybody and desperately has sex with every man he can, and makes a “big spectacle of everything” (as Debbie tells him), all in a childish attempt to feel something, anything at all. He wants to be human. He wants to be alive. But he doesn’t feel like he’s either of these things. His refusal to grow up is not so much a rejection of maturity so much as it is a rejection of his life in general: how can you grow, when you were never alive in the first place?

Justin’s clinginess, while initially a flaw, is actually what makes the relationship perfect: Brian would never grow if he was not relentlessly pursued by someone who also asked things of him (Lindsay and Michael, while great friends, rarely ask things of Brian, while Justin does). Justin's childlike faith in humanity in some ways (and, admittedly less-charmingly, black and white way of thinking) helps Brian experience those things for the first time. The irony of course is that Justin seems like he wants to grow up--have sex, move out of his home, getting a fake ID--while Brian claims he wants to stay young, yet before Justin avoids anything actually innocent. When he finally starts opening up to Justin and his innocence, he’s confronted with what he’s been avoiding the entire season: grief.

Brian needs to grieve his own nightmare childhood and his own issues, or else he can’t ever grow or feel human.

To be human is to accept loss, accept that you aren’t superman, that you can’t control things. Literally the entire season is about the writers handing Brian challenge to grieve after challenge to grieve and him denying it until it smashes into the head of innocence (Justin).

Firstly, Brian is tasked with whether or not to pull the plug on Ted when he’s in a coma, a choice that he thankfully doesn’t have to make when Ted wakes up. Then, Brian’s father tells him he’s dying and Brian finally tells him he’s gay (with horrifying results). His father dies (symbolic again of one symbol of his nightmare childhood passing away), and Brian doesn’t cry, which everyone points out is odd. Brian also ruins his relationship with Michael, and refuses to grieve it, pretending it’s all fine. While they do reconcile, Justin and Michael do more work to bring them back together than Brian does (speaking of, the scene where everyone leaves in disgust, telling Brian off for his cruelty at Michael’s birthday party, but Justin tells Brian “someone’s gotta help you clean this mess” was clearly a double-meaning and a genuinely heartwarming moment). Then, Brian struggles with signing away his parental rights to Gus to help Melanie and Lindsay, and does so in a bold moment without much grief. Brian treats Justin terribly on and off, but doesn’t grieve it because he tells himself that’s just who he is.

However, Justin in season one, despite being a portrayal of innocence, also treats other people pretty poorly. (Brian is largely the exception.) His father is the worst, but Justin is also a brat with an immature understanding of love and people. He does his best to alienate his mother early on. He antagonizes people when he doesn’t have to in order to show off and prove he deserves to exist (like outside of Babylon when he tells everyone he gave Chris Hobbs a handjob, a moment where Brian warns him directly that he’s now “made a real enemy”). Justin’s brattiness is clearly coming from a place of pain and repression, so to be clear there is no moral equivalence there: he only humiliates Chris because Chris has been humiliating him throughout the series.

Justin also tries to convince Brian not to sign away his parental rights at first, which hurts Melanie and Lindsay, because Justin projects his own parental issues onto the situation without considering that Brian is not his father and the people involved are so different the two situations shouldn’t be compared. Plus, if anything, Justin puts too much responsibility on others, and is challenged to accept that he cannot control other people and how they feel or act towards him (Daphne falling for him, Brian, trying to win his father’s approval by considering business school despite his father’s hatred of him, etc.) This idea of putting too much responsibility on others is childish and normal for someone his age, and makes Justin and Brian very similar while also having contrasting ways of handling their relationships (clinging vs pushing away).

This all culminates in the finale where Chris tries to murder Justin right when he and Brian seem to finally be happy at Justin’s prom. It’s only then, when Brian sits bloodied in a hospital waiting room, that we see him finally give in, grieve, cry, in the same place he and Justin named his son in the first episode.

Justin’s lost a sense of innocence. Brian realizes that he is not the island he pretends to be, and that being human hurts.

Justin and Brian: Being Human Means Accepting the Worst of Yourself (Season Two)

Michael to Brian: I think you're afraid to let anyone know you love them. That you have feelings. That you're human like the rest of us.

Throughout the second season, Brian hides the best parts of himself (literally not allowing anyone to know that he visits Justin every single night he’s in the hospital). Brian also self-sabotages himself by demanding Justin hide the best parts of himself (loving Brian) with their semi-open arrangement that fails epically, and Justin leaves him. But part of the reason is fails is also that Justin starts becoming more like Brian, even imitating Brian in word and action when he sleeps with a virgin, and... big surprise, neither of them like Justin becoming more like Brian. Justin doesn't want to be Brian, and Brian doesn't want to be Brian either.

Despite Brian’s narcissistic persona, the dude basically embodies the concept of “methinks thou doth protest too much.” See: him pissing on art of himself as a hero. After, Justin demands a real apology for that--directly telling Brian that his vague “sorry” isn’t good enough, and Brian gives i. A few episodes later, this scene then repeats after Justin starts his affair with Ethan with almost the exact same dialogue, but this time Justin is the one giving a vague apology, and Brian isn’t strong enough to ask for a specific apology.

Justin: I’m sorry.

Brian: For what?

Justin: You know what for.

The point is again that Justin is becoming more like Brian, and it’s not a good thing.

As long as Brian hides the best parts of himself, their relationship is doomed. It’s not a coincidence that after the first time Justin tops him, after Brian literally lets Justin inside, Brian immediately panics and starts causing problems. Brian doesn’t acknowledge Justin’s birthday besides literally hiring him a hustler to symbolize how he’s pushing Justin into another person’s arms (Ethan). To highlight this, we have Ben and Michael’s birthday celebration as a foil, where Ben is upset over his declining health and behaves terribly. However, Ben apologizes, and Michael tells him a major theme:

Ben: There’s no excuse for it. There’s no excuse at all.

Michael: Sure there is. You’re human.

The point is that Brian and Justin are human too, as much as Brian tries to deny his own humanity. Human beings make mistakes. And that becomes a major motif of the third season.

Justin and Brian: Being Human Means Accepting the Best of Yourself (Season Three)

When we see Justin and Brian in the opening of season 3, Brian is still so defensive over Justin despite Justin publicly humiliating and leaving Brian that Brian punches his best friend, Michael, for suggesting that he shouldn’t have saved Justin’s life. This again ties into Brian’s self-hatred: he expects Justin to leave him, even feels he should. But Brian finds it easier to fight someone else on Justin’s behalf than to fight himself to keep Justin; numerous characters comment that Justin left because Brian didn’t fight for him, and they’re right.

Brian and Justin are still stuck on each other, and shown through their indulgence of illusions (fantasy vs reality is another motif throughout every season). Brian literally hires a hooker to dress up as Justin, and Justin focuses on Ethan who is whom Justin thinks he wants Brian to be, only to discover that Ethan is Justin at his worst: brought to life by art, yes, but a cheater, and a liar.

As viewers, we recognize issues all along: for example, during a sex scene, Ethan directly tells Justin “don’t be nervous;” this stands in sharp contrast with Brian, who had previously told Justin that he was clearly “terrified” when they first got together. Brian acknowledges Justin’s fears; Ethan pretends they don’t exist. Ethan wants an illusion; Brian wants the real thing.

We also see the “real you” aspect of Brian and Justin’s relationship foiled with Ben and Michael’s struggle over Ben’s HIV. Michael almost wishes he has HIV to relate to Ben more, and this plotline climaxes in Michael holding a needle to his arm, contemplating giving himself it to be more like Ben, and this line:

Ben: I don’t want you to be like me!

There are other relationships in the show, even nonromantic ones, that emphasize that Brian can’t accept the best of himself. Brian refuses to accept any thanks for saving Ted’s ass, because he’s still denying the best parts of himself. Both our good and bad traits make us human: Brian needs to accept the best of himself, and Justin needs to accept the worst.

Brian and Justin finally face each other while having sex with other people in Babylon’s backroom, but lock eyes and it’s clear who they wish they were with. They have to accept themselves at their best and at their worst to be able to accept each other at their best and worst.

Fortunately, that’s precisely what happens. When Justin decides to win Brian back by interning at his company, he gives him a sincere compliment that Brian can only smile at (ie, Justin confronting Brian with the best of Brian’s traits):

Justin: I've already learned more than I would in an entire semester of school... Which says a lot about you, actually.

Brian: About me?

Justin: Yeah. They say the tone of the workplace is established from the top. So it's a great compliment to you that you have such a dedicated and hardworking staff.

And Justin is then able to show Brian that yeah, he knows Brian’s worst traits. And even with his worst self, he still thinks Brian’s best traits make him worth it, and that Brian can actually become better, grow.

Justin: If you had any brains at all you would never have let me leave. You would've told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. That I would live to regret it. That what you gave me was worth a thousand--a million times more than anything he had to offer. You would have told me that you loved me, and that you would go on loving me even after I was gone.

Brian then confronts Justin on his worst traits:

Brian: That is so like you! You don't hear what you want, so you leave! Try standing up for yourself for a change!

Aaand then Justin is able to admit his best traits:

Justin: I decided you should take me back... even though I’ve made a few mistakes, I think you’d be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance.

In other words, when they get back together, they’re able to see each other as fully human.

When they get back together, Justin and Brian are able to pretty much save the world by stopping Stockwell. Debbie outright states the season’s main theme after Brian gets fired for sabotaging Stockwell (such a smallscale Trump it’s almost eerie):

Debbie: it's your innate goodness.

Brian: *laughs*

Debbie: we all know good from evil and you’re no different.

Again, the “you’re no different” line emphasizes that Brian is human despite his denials thereof, and being human is not just about fucking and being selfish--it’s about love and community and a long arc towards justice. And then Brian finally becomes the hero Justin and Michael have always believed him to be and gives up literally everything he owns--everything except the people who love him, honestly--to stop Stockwell. Not only that, but no one except his closest friends will ever know he is the one who saved the town.

The idea of accepting the worst/best of yourself is also foiled in the finale when Ted reunites with Blake. Ted cared for Blake because Blake brought out the best in Ted--his generosity and kindness and belief in goodness of humanity--but was destroyed by the worst (Blake’s addiction). At the rehab where he once dropped Blake off, Ted finds himself a patient, and Blake as his counselor--showing Ted that there is a future, that the best in you is never dead no matter how far you’ve sunken. You can always find it again.

Justin and Brian: Being Human Means Accepting Help (Season 4)

Season 4 at its core is about learning to be weak and ask for help. Ted needs help finding a job. Ben needs help processing rejection of his manuscript. Brian needs help keeping his apartment. But none of them want to feel pitied, and so they flounder.

One of the ways people can need others is to need others to forgive them. Obviously we have Blake and Ted, Ted and... everyone after his addiction, Debbie forgiving herself for the way she treats Vic, and Brian and Justin forgiving each other and therefore forgiving themselves.

Obviously this was first set up in Season 3, when Brian forgave Justin for leaving him, but it’s further expanded on by repeating a lot of season two’s elements... in a way that doesn’t feel repetitive but instead shines a light on just how much growth the characters have undergone.

Justin’s brief foray into vigilantism is clearly paralleled with his foray into gogo dancing in season 2: both Brian warns him about, but Justin insists he can take care of himself only to get way in over his head. With gogo dancing, the boss sexually assaulted him; with the vigilantes, Justin ends up realizing that Cody is not that different than Chris Hobbs--he’s cruel, he’s hateful, he’s violent, and he only wants to use Justin for his own pride. But instead of how Justin allowed his guilt over needing Brian’s help for school to drive them apart after the gogo incident, this time Justin allows himself to get closer to Brian after realizing Brian was right. Justin also doesn’t forgive Chris Hobbs (nor really should he), but he does realize the pointlessness of revenge.

Brian then needs help but resorts to I can take care of myself when he’s diagnosed with testicular cancer. He lashes out at Justin and refuses to tell Justin what’s really going on. Brian’s lashing out becomes particularly cruel where he essentially tries to force Justin to leave him... only for Michael to show how much he’s grown by intervening and mediating. When Brian comes home sick to find Justin cooking soup for him, Brian falls to the floor and is literally struggling to get up from a fetal position (hello, obvious symbolism):

Brian: I’m all right!

Justin: You're not all right.

Brian: Then why are you asking me?

Justin: So I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me! For shutting me out! For thinking that you could handle this on your own! And most of all for thinking that I would leave you! Why would you think that? 'Cause you had a ball removed? 'Cause you're no longer perfect? Well, believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections! And if I wanted to leave you, I've had plenty of better reasons.

Brian: Well, maybe you should have.

Even though it’s framed as an argument, it’s actually Brian finally opening up. The look on Justin’s face when he realizes that Brian has finally told him the truth that he’s not been able to admit the entire series--that Brian hates himself, that he thinks he doesn’t deserve any love--was stunning. He said some pretty cruel things to Justin, yet Justin forgave him. Sometimes, that’s the best help someone can give--even the only help.

Brian and Justin: Being Human Means You Can’t Control Others (Season Five)

Brian: My mother was a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help... much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean most to me.

Season 5 is all about everything changing and the resistance people have to change, but that doesn't mean the love that grounds it goes away. Melanie and Lindsay break up for a bit, Debbie leaves the diner only for a copycat to take over, Babylon changes when Brian buys it... and then when it explodes.

Season 5 really explores the limits of change and what can and cannot change. Brian in particular has always used being gay as an excuse for why he doesn’t feel human, when his issues are far more complex than that. His being gay won’t change and shouldn’t (despite what the homophobes scream out their cars in certain gutwrenching scenes), but his attitude towards himself and others and towards his own sexuality can and should and does.

Despite not feeling human and supposedly being very “live and let live,” Brian is actually something of a control freak, as becomes increasingly obvious in season 5. He lashes out at Michael for marrying Ben and setting up house, at Ted for pursuing a monogamous long-term relationship, at Justin for wanting commitment. Everyone moves on, but Brian is terrified of losing the only ways he feels alive... and he’s still stuck in a childish, egocentric mindset that he controls the world. (Justin has his own issues with control this season; namely around his mother’s new relationship, Michael and Ben struggle regarding Hunter leaving, etc).

Brian: Before you and your husband tied the noose around your necks he was perfectly happy! But now, he's a defector, just like the rest of you!

Michael: He was never perfectly happy! Waiting for years for you to say "I love you, you're the only one I want."

Brian: That's *not* who I am!

Not only that, but there’s certainly irony in Brian claiming he “accepts” (his term) Michael’s choice for domestic life, but he clearly does not. The concept of “home”, which has been a motif for Brian and Justin’s relationship since the very first episode where Justin points out he’s not able to go home and hence he stays with Brian, and how Brian negotiates their semi-open relationship in season two with the idea that he wants to “come home to” Justin, comes up again in this same scene where Brian confronts Michael and blames him for Justin moving out:

Michael regarding his house with Ben: It's a home!

Brian: It's a farce! It's a freak show!

Michael: ... (Justin) didn't leave because of (me). He left because of you. Who wouldn't?

Again, there’s irony here. The “farce” and “freak show” are comments Lindsay’s parents have lobbed at her marriage to Mel throughout the show. Yes, Brian, resident gay stud of Pittsburgh, has some serious internalized issues that brush up against homophobia and that just boil down to the same issues driving many of the show’s antagonists: control. Wanting to be God, not human.

Brian needs to accept the limits of being a human being. You cannot control others. When you love them--to truly love someone--you don’t even try. You give them free will. You love them. You support them. I’m sure you can see the parallels between the general portrayal of the Prop 14 supporters who are using religion throughout the season to try to control others and claim it’s love when it’s blasphemy to call that love.

As usual, Debbie is the voice of decency, not only by yelling at the religious protester “JESUS THINKS YOU STINK!” but also by saying to Brian:

Debbie: your problem is he left you. He left you, and he moved on. Only he didn't. You and he just made different choices, that's all. Doesn't mean that you don't still love each other.

Everything reaches a head when Babylon--symbolic of not just the gay community in QAF, but of Brian’s entire life--literally explodes. That scene is horrifying, disorienting, brilliantly shot and nauseating (like, I almost threw up, and it’s not gory at all--it’s just devastating, and the pure emotion hit me like a sack of bricks).

Justin and Brian choose not to control each other, which is actually a sign of love. About the finale, it has its own section below.

The High Cost of Living

Justin: time will inevitably leave its mark... we should accept our mortality with dignity.

One of the things about growing, and growing up, is that you inch closer to death. There is no growing up without wrestling with mortality.

Brian in particular is called out by the narrative constantly. By episode 4, Ted forces Brian to be his power of attorney, to make the final decision whether he should live or die, because Brian needs to make the same damn choice. It’s the central choice Brian will have to make in the series: does he want to live? Because if he wants to live, he has to grow. And the rest of the remaining five seasons constantly ask Brian to think about what that means, holding his feet to the fire and forcing him to grow.

The concept of aging is brought up in terms of this as well. From the start, Brian is terrified of turning 30 (oh boy, I feel ya there, Brian). He’s even suicidal at the thought, because he can’t fathom being older which has dual meaning for his character: firstly, that he’s stuck in adolescence emotionally, and secondly that he’s afraid to take charge of his own life. If he does, he’ll have to take responsibility for things. Being forced to take responsibility for not just Gus, but Justin, Lindsay, Michael, and other moments... it was good. Being young isn’t demonized either: in some ways, Brian being with Justin is a symbolic (literary please I’m not talking real life problematic elements) way of Justin meeting Brian at that age emotionally, and them growing together. Debbie even says that they are “pretty evenly matched” maturity-wise. It’s also a real-world psychological fact that people who experience trauma as children can become emotionally “stuck” at that age, unable to move past it.

All of this ties into the PTSD motif with both Brian and Justin suffering from the disorder post-Chris’s attack. PTSD can make you feel like you’re not really living, which the show displays. A psychiatrist tells Brian:

It's like a fairy tale, Rapunzul or Hansel and Gretl, but the cage is his mind, and it's up to you, the handsome prince, to release it.

This applies to more than just Justin’s repressed memories of the attack; it applies to their entire relationship over the course of the show. They have to escape their cages of trauma and terrible coping mechanisms in order to fully, truly live. Justin is as much the handsome prince to Brian’s trapped Rapunzel as Brian is a prince rescuing Justin--for the entire show.

In season 3, Justin even directly tells Brian that the latest comic based on Brian is about: "It's about thawing his cold heart, bringing him back to life. It's about their love. It's about commitment." Those elements give life.

Season 4 is where the motif of life and death really picks up again, when Vic dies and Brian is diagnosed with testicular cancer. Brian contemplates letting himself go out in a blaze of glory, young and handsome, but in the end goes through with the treatment (which involves removing a testicle) after spending time with Lindsay and his son Gus, with Michael, and with Justin telling him that he loves him again.

The finale of Season 4 has Brian breaking his collarbone and still insisting on finishing the bike ride. Brian is literally in front of a graveyard on the path when Michael shows up next to him and insists that if he’s going to do this, they’re going to do it together. They come to the finish line hours after everyone else has finished, and Brian, in agony, decides he’s close and enough and wants to stop.

But then he sees Justin waiting for him over the finish line, along with Debbie who loves him like a mother, and Ben (Michael’s newlywed husband) and Hunter. And he’s motivated to push forward and finish well, despite the pain because the people who love him want him to live.

The Scarf and Art as Life

That bloodstained scarf Brian buys himself for his thirtieth birthday becomes a beautiful symbol of not just Brian and Justin’s relationship, but Brian’s life, which is forever tied to Justin. Brian at first buys the expensive scarf to indulge himself (as he starts the series doing in spades), then uses the scarf to get off and simultaneously flirt with dying via autoerotic asphyxiation, and then finally uses the scarf to dance with Justin. But the scarf becomes soaked with Justin’s blood after Chris’s attack, and yet Brian continues to wear it.

He can’t take it off, because it’s their lives in a symbol. When Justin starts to remember what happened, he uncovers the scarf on Brian. When they make love for the first time after the attack, the camera focuses on the scarf lying beneath their feet.

Justin’s life is his art, which Brian directly says in the first season, and which Debbie emphasizes by telling Justin as he wrestles with whether or not to go to Dartmouth for business like his father wants or to pursue his art (his own life):

Debbie: you don't have the power to get [your parents] back together. But you do have the power to fuck up your own life. So make sure you think twice before you do it.

Chris’s attack almost steals Justin’s life and his art (literally, though the damage to his brain and hand) from him. When Justin struggles with his recovery and considers dropping out of art school and Brian buys him a computer so he can do digital art, he reacts angrily:

Justin: You can tell everyone you fixed Little Justin's problems? Well, you can't fix this. No one can.

In season 2, Brian pissing on Justin and Michael’s comic is really symbolic not just of the injustice he did to Michael and Justin’s lives, but also symbolic of how he feels about himself (as Debbie says, they literally based the hero on Brian, because “you’re their hero”).

At the end of the series, when Justin goes to New York to pursue his art fulltime, it’s symbolic of him being fully alive--and symbolic of Brian being so as well. Why? Because Brian’s life is tied to Justin’s, forever and always. If Justin lives freely and succeeds, then Brian will as well. Brian telling Justin to go was him choosing to live fully and freely for the first time.

Religion, Fathers, Mothers, and Sons

Justin: I've caused them enough pain.

Brian: It's bullshit. They cause their own pain just like everyone else.

There are so many parental relationships in the series, and they span from the horrific to the beautiful. Debbie is the mom I want to be, and good religious rep... in contrast to, say, Brian’s family, which is horrifying. I mean, Brian’s dad legit telling his son “it should be you who’s dying” when Brian tries to finally tell him he’s gay after his father’s terminal diagnosis was a moment I audibly gasped in horror.

Brian’s mother, however, while horrifically homophobic, cold, and emotionally and verbally abusive, was still very humanized in that it’s clear she has no one to love her and be kind to her. Brian’s kindness is to not take her faith from her. I also liked the priest character, because he was upfront that he never taught anything but God’s love, and God was whom he answered to. He also pointed out to Brian that he has someone he can always count on and have around: God. For Brian, that person is Justin (the religious motif is emphasized also by the fact that Justin tells Daphne “I met God” after meeting Brian the first time, and by the scene in the final season when Brian prays with Debbie for Michael to survive his injuries--although, as both say, they aren’t asking God so much as they’re “telling” (which btw is actually biblical lol). But the point is that Brian then goes and tells Justin the truth finally: that he loves him).

Debbie moms everyone in the group, and helps Jennifer learn to be a better mom to Justin as well. But Debbie can herself grow as well: she projects her fears and trauma over Vic’s illness onto Ben and Michael, and allows her own insecurities to ruin her relationship with her brother.

Justin’s father is terrible, but Jennifer is instead well-intentioned and flawed, fairly complex. She at first blames Brian for Justin’s injury, and Brian ironically chooses to believe her (that it’s his fault) over Justin (who directly says “it’s not your fault” multiple times while embracing him). Again, this is symbolic of Brian’s childishness (believing a parent over an equal), but what helps is how Jennifer grows and apologizes to Brian, asking him to help Justin instead. By showing Brian that growing doesn’t always mean turning into a miserable, angry bastard, Jennifer actually gives Brian a good example of how to stop being an asshole.

Parents can grow, because parents are human.

Injustice

Ben: Your children lead privileged lives, and you dare to laugh at my son's misfortune.

By the end of season one, the relationships we’ve been following all reach significant moments: Blake runs away from rehab and thereby from Ted, and he has to face that he cannot save Blake. Michael moves to Portland with David, taking a risk that ultimately doesn’t work out. And Brian finally makes a good choice, coming to Justin’s prom. The couple that made the best decision for each other in that episode? They’re the ones that end up in the worst tragedy, when Chris attacks Justin. It’s wrong, it’s infuriating, and it’s devastating.

It’s also unfair in another element: the narrative has been challenging Brian to grieve, but Justin being the one actually to almost die seems horrifically wrong--and that’s the point, and what makes it powerful. Justin did nothing wrong insofar as learning to grieve goes, but he pays the price. In this, the show calls out a double standard in society, shows us how unfair it is. The innocent, the childlike sunshine, pays the price for society’s bigotry, for adults inability to healthy process emotions, for all of it--burdens they should never take on.

The motif of injustice comes up again and again throughout the show: Lindsay’s parents paying for her sister’s three weddings yet calling Lindsay’s marriage to Melanie not “real.” Hunter being targeted at school for having HIV after being abused physically, mentally, and sexually his entire life, the pursuit of justice for the murder of Jason Kemp, Michael and Ben not being able to legally marry, the issues around adoption... we also never really find out who attacked Babylon. These plotlines are seldom resolved with feel-good bows (with the exception of Jason Kemp’s murder), because there’s still work to be done in the world.

Love: An Unconstrained Risk

One of the main symbolic messages of the show, especially when taken in the context in which it was made (early 2000s, before same-sex marriage was legal in any state in the USA), is that love can’t be easily defined or put into a box, but love is powerful and life-giving. The fact that most of the romantic relationships in the show were, obviously, queer, highlights this. The romances also weren’t limited by age--we have younger, older, and elderly people falling in love--or by health.

Whether or not legal marriage was allowed, the love and commitment Melanie and Lindsay have is real. Ditto for Ben and Michael. Despite the weird, even creepy on the outset age differences between Emmett and George (and to a lesser degree Justin and Brian), both of these relationships ended up being really beautiful. Love isn’t even defined by time or broken by death: it goes on and on. That’s one of the main messages of the ending--that time and space have little say in the love Brian and Justin have for each other. Love will not, cannot be constrained by forces manmade or intrinsic to the universe. (That said, I still would have liked to see them actually get married, because there was foreshadowing for it... but the ending is well-written.)

Love also comes with risks, which itself is a theme that ties in with the concept of being in the present moment (another theme). Marriage is a risk for Lindsay and Melanie, Ben and Michael, Brian and Justin, Debbie and Horvath--and not choosing to marry is a risk as well in the latter two cases. Moving to Oregon with David only for it not to work out for Michael was a risk, as was choosing to love Ben despite the fact that people were warning him about Ben’s HIV positivity. Vic moving out with Rodney was a risk. Tucker and Jennifer was a risk. Ted falling for Blake was a risk that seemed to not pay off, but then later did.

There is no love without risk, and the tides may not run smoothly, but it doesn’t make it any less real and eternal. This applies to an extent to self-love as well. Drew coming out, Melanie and Lindsay giving themselves permission to get married, Brian really only learning to love himself through loving and caring for Justin.

The idea of love as a risk is honestly most fully embodied in Michael’s character as well, particularly in the motif of fantasy vs reality. Michael’s major issue early on was his unrequited love for Brian, which made him leaving with David a good choice for his character... even if it was obvious the relationship was doomed. Why? Because David clearly loved the idea of Michael more than Michael himself, and Michael loved the idea of David and the white picket-fence life (which he genuinely wants and does get) more than the reality of who David was. With Ben as a husband and Hunter as their son, it was hard, riskier than staying in reveries.

The Finale

Which is again why the finale works from a literary perspective even if my taste is to like things neatly wrapped up. Instead of marrying, they commit to loving each other without full guarantees, because they both still have a little more growing up to do (honestly, QAF is a bildungsroman). Brian’s finally saying the words “I love you” was progress; the proposal was less so because it was made out of fear, out of I can’t risk losing you, rather than a full maturation. But you have to risk in love. I honestly think the implication is that Brian and Justin will end up together for real, probably married, since it’s still abundantly clear that what they want is each other, and they are forever each other’s life; we don’t necessarily need to have it spoonfed to us to see the narrative implication.

I mean, really. The narrative showed us at the start of season five that Brian made room for Justin to move in even while not expecting him to come back from LA (showing a part of him does know they’ll be together), called out the fact that Brian didn’t return the rings, they promised to visit, and how. many. times. did the series have Brian fantasize about going to New York for some fancy life, while Justin’s fantasies were always about ending up married with the love of his life? It’s pretty clear their goals do align--there’s just still more growing to do first. Yes, no future is guaranteed, but the hint at an off-screen happily-ever-after so blatant I’d barely call it a hint. We even have, back in season 4, Vic’s post-death pseudo-spiritual visit to Brian’s dream, where he tells Brian he was lucky to get four more years after his almost-death, but “you’ll have a lot more than that.”

Also again, season 4′s finale can be seen as symbolic of where it’ll end up. Michael and Brian move towards the finish line, Brian, because he’s crippled in pain and literally broken, is running hours later than everyone else. But with Michael pushing him towards the finish line--where Michael’s husband and son wait alongside Brian’s partner in Justin... well, it’s clear they’re still pushing towards that line by the end.

And finally, all the foreshadowing of an off-screen married happily-ever-after ending for Brian and Justin in season 5: Justin going to LA and coming back, despite Brian thinking he won’t. Hunter leaving, and then returning. (Let love go, and it’ll come back.) Someone remarks that it is “magical thinking” that Melanie and Lindsay would get back together, and Emmett responds “Well, you never know.” Lo and behold, they do get back together, despite reaching the lowest of the low in their relationship and doing things to each other that could honestly be seen as unforgivable. Blake and Ted reunite at last, because it had always been “right person, wrong time” for them, and it was finally time. I kind of don’t think the main relationship of the entire series is supposed to be the exception.

Being Yourself

Michael: ...being different is what makes us all the same. It's what makes us family.

Of course, another main theme throughout the show was that of being yourself. It’s pretty expected for a queer show, but QAF gives it a unique twist in how it emphasizes this (not just in season 3). But starting in season one, Brian tells Justin he’ll go on to meet lots of other guys, and Justin replies that he doesn’t want other guys: he wants Brian. The rest of the show is precisely about Justin discovering what that means. The end is Justin still wants Brian, but he doesn’t want Brian to deny himself completely--that’s actually Justin showing that he really loves and wants Brian as he is.

But, the show also emphasizes that no person is an island. People do need each other, and the things we do with our lives do affect others. See again: Brian choosing to go through with his cancer treatment for the sake of his loved ones, Hunter desperately needing Ben and Michael as his parents, and how when the community bands together, they’re really able to accomplish the unbelievable, even the miraculous (taking down Stockwell, rebuilding Babylon).

Stuff I Didn’t Love

The season 3 plotline with Brian’s nephew accusing him falsely was a retread and not a good idea: the idea that kids often lie about that is just not particularly helpful (because it’s not true), and the plotline/challenge for Brian’s character was done much better with the sexual harassment suit from Kip in season one.

The season 4-5 plotline of Lindsay cheating on Melanie and the ensuing custody battle was another retread of Melanie cheating in season one and while it did ultimately not ruin their characters (which it could have done; to their credit the writers made it work), it wasn’t exactly the best choice of writing either.

Emmett and Ted had no chemistry so I could never buy them as anything more than filling space, which I think was the point in the end, but for a few episodes it seemed to be taken too seriously as something to root for when it... wasn’t.

Overall Impression

I’m drawn to stories about existentialism, stories that explore nuance and empathy, stories with themes like what it means to be human, stories that aren’t sanitized for the sake of a moral message (biggest fear for any reboot right here). Maybe it’s again the fundie upbringing, but I constantly feel like I have to earn the right to exist and struggle with accepting both the best and worst aspects of myself, and media that explores questions more so than hammers a message appeals to me (because I actually feel like the messages of these media pieces comes across stronger). Queer as Folk is all of those things, plus some really tight writing and excellent symbolism for any literature nerd to salivate over (most shows never use symbolism anymore! Never!)

In some ways, certain aspects make it very much a product of its time, but in other ways, it’s timeless. It’s really an artistic masterpiece that reminded me of what I love about humanity and life itself, that makes absolutely no apologies for its stance on love as something powerful (another thing missing in modern media: the concept that love wins), that doesn’t give us simple answers for what it means to recover from trauma as individuals and as a society, that doesn’t write literally any single character off as a one-note person who can never change while at the same time acknowledging how hard, long, and winding changing is, and what can and cannot change in a human.

On a personal note, realizing, after I’d finished the show, its connection to a genuinely traumatic childhood moment that actually, years later, helped me escape me a cult adds another piece of sentimental value. And @our-mathematical-universe, you were right when you nagged me to watch this over the past few years.

10/10

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thatonegaybastard · 1 year

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✨WELCOME TO MEOWTUAL SBURBSIM!!!!✨

This is where I out meowtuals into homestuck simulator bascilaly and we see what happens

Ill post any interesting things that ahppen. I'm gonna a skip over any relationship stuff unless its really plot relevant (or if its funny)

And I'm also setting everone to god destiny

And noe, here are you players for today...

Vincent (@kanna-kizuchi-enjoyer) - troll (violet-blood) - slyph of space - prospit dreamer - likes writing and playing legend of zelda

Pickle (@footlongdingledong) - troll (olive green-blood) - rogue of blood - derse dreamer - likes character creation and arson

Vivi (@bun-vi) - troll (indigo-blood) - bard of rage -derse dreamethe - likes drawing and video games

Sydney (@saltedsolenoid) - troll (jade-blood) - prince of breath - prospit dreamer - likes sewing and spellcraft

Pluto (@scorittanius) - troll (blue-blood) - mage of space - prospit dreamer - likes sewing and herpetology

Ant (@anthenasikes) - troll (bronze-blood) - knight of time - derse dreamer - likes coding and music

Ren (@an-oc-machine) (technically not a meowtual but I'm including her) - troll (fuschia-blood) - page of heart - derse dreamer - likes drawing and writing

Sumi (@key-lime-soda) - human (candy red blood) - rogue of light - derse dreamer - likes cooking and geography

Kid (@kidfoundonstreets) - troll (lime-blood) - maid of time - derse dreamer - likes art and psychology

Chris (me) - troll (rust-blood) - mage of hope -prospit dreamer - likes character creation and drawing

i think that's everyone so lmk if I got something wrong and ill fix it.

#meowtual sburbsim

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