I'm just gonna keep complaining about all the breeder shit I see in lesbian spaces everyday and today's top nonsense: some lady complaining that the 7:30pm pride parade isn't at a 'family friendly' time and they should change the time of it so she can bring her kids

@allvalleyskillschallenge

Prompt: Back to School Pairing: YasMoon More cheer content for Best Lesbians!!!

***

You’re at the mall with your boyfriend, he’s upset He’s yelling at you while completely drenched in sweat He doesn’t get nonviolence like I do

I’m in Marseille, it’s a typical summer night Watching the kind of sissy chick flicks he doesn’t like And he’ll never smell like roses like I do

But she wears short skirts I wear t-shirts She’s cheer captain And I’m on the bleachers

Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find That all that macho shit Won’t keep your chakras aligned!

If you could see that I won’t get a tattoo of you Without asking first because that’s creepy You don’t belong to me And I think you should flee

Walking the halls with you and your lecturing I’m sort of shocked that you still want to hang with me Seeing your laugh and thinking to myself “I’m glad Moon forgives easy”

And I see your ex acting like he’s worth your time After all he ever did was treat you like some prize You said it was love but I know better than that Have some self-respect and don’t you dare take him back!

But she wears high heels I wear sneakers She’s cheer captain And I’m on the bleachers

Know I’m nobody now, and I’m just some tryhard But despite how Hawk’s changed He’s got no clue who you are!

If you could see that I know all your favorite smoke spots Music, movies, outfits down to your bikinis And where you go on shopping sprees

Flying home to see you on the prom night I know they thought that I came for Demetri But he’s only a beard to me And you’re all I see

Oh, I remember you leaving me behind For the school karate gang But you’d end up in a bind ‘Cause mean kids are all the same

And I know that I fucked up And I know I was a bitch But if it meant there’d still be an “us” Then for you I’d make a switch

Do you see it when we’re tanning by the poolside? Do you see it when we’re sitting in the booth and I’m like please Why can’t you see me?

And I know I’ve missed my chance over and over And longing’s not bringing you any closer Even if I have to plead But you belong with me Maybe someday you’ll see

You belong with me And one day I’ll feel free To say what I wish we could be And what you mean to me

***

@karatecaulfield pspsps

After I made this, I...maaaaaay have gotten kinda carried away with the YasMoon cheerleading content and wrote them a dumb little You Belong With Me cover. Whoops ^^;

So You Belong With Me has actually always kinda given me YasMoon vibes, but like...in a roundabout way? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that technically Yasmine and Moon BOTH canonically wear short skirts and high heels (which like. Good for them!!! It's such a Look and they slay!!!), but it makes me think of post-S1 YasMoon, where Moon was still one of the most popular girls in school, and Yasmine...definitely was not anymore. And we DO know that Yas started dressing more "modestly" from S3 onwards (as annoying as it was that she had to give up her "evil slut clothes" to undergo character development ig -____-), so it doesn't seem out of the question for Moon to keep the skirts and heels while Yas transitions to more casual, mundane stuff so as not to draw attention to herself. Definitely wouldn't blame her for wanting to stay under the radar after the wedgie video went viral lmao

Also TELL me Yasmine wouldn't look cute as fuck in pink tennis shoes and/or pink converse!!! Like come on!!! Girl would be ADORABLE in bright barbie pink stereotypical "not like the other girls" clothing and the more I think about it, the more I NEED to see this in S6. Also because it would be really funny if Moon just like. Had a thing for mean people in casual sportswear XD

Actually, went a bit apeshit and made this entire thing pink💗💗💗 What can I say!!! They just look so good in bright girly feminine colors!!! I have SUCH a weakness for hyperfemme4hyperfemme lesbians tbh. Same for hypermasc4hypermasc gays, hyperfemme4hyperfemme gays, and hypermasc4hypermasc lesbians 💖 Idk there's just something so special about queer couples who don't give a single flying fuck about The Straights™️trying to impose their "one person MUST be masculine and one person MUST be feminine in all couples!!!" brand of heteronormativity on LGBT folk. Masc4masc pairings that feel 0 desire for any femininity in your romantic relationship I love you, femme4femme pairings that feel desire for any masculinity in your romantic relationship I love you--

Yes I know realistically speaking most LGBT and non-LGBT couples are a pretty solid mix of masc and femme between BOTH people but I'm trying to make a point here akjsdiulfhkdufh

Fun fact: I was reading cheerleader anecdotes while researching how cheer squads work, and I learned the stereotypical pleated cheerleader skirt is...actually considered kind of dated??? At least in the actual cheer community. Which I think is a damn shame, because those skirts are cute as fuck D: But TBH Moon is popular enough that she could wear the most dated pleaty cheer skirt on the market and STILL rock it. Plus make it look "cool" and "retro" XD And we damn well know Yasmine will think she looks hot regardless <3

ALSO idk if I've ever mentioned this before, but it blows my damn mind that Yasmine is practically wearing the lesbian flag during the scene where she signs Demetri's cast :O Take away that blue stripe and she literally would be??? Like that whole but needed to be any more ragingly queer-coded than it already way XD NOT MY GIRL SAYING SHE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE PUBLICLY HUMILIATED TO THE POINT OF BEING OUTCASTED AND OTHERED. WHILE WEARING A GODDAMN LESBIAN SWEATER. AND THEN IMMEDIATELY "STRAIGHTENING" THE HOMOPHOBIC JOKE ON HIS CAST AND COVERING BOTH THEIR GAY ASSES IN ONE FEEL SWOOP AJDIOSUHYFDUG Lesbian queen!!!

Also this subtext is going to make me go fucking INSANE I swear to GOD

Rambles specific to the dumb little song I wrote under the cut!

Basically the scenario I'm imagining here takes place during S3. A recently fallen-from-grace Yasmine is now at the bottom of the school food chain, forced to watch from the sidelines as her ex-best-friend (who STILL gives her the time of day for some reason) remains a popular, universally-loved socialite. And she finds herself in a strange position.

She can't help being a little envious, of course, since she remembers when she was that widely respected. It leaves a sour taste in her mouth that she once ruled the school, and now her second-in-command is blossoming and thriving while she's been reduced to a pathetic laughingstock. And with Moon expanding her circle as Yasmine's shrinks, Yasmine always ends up feeling left behind.

But it's more than that. With Moon soaring high while she's crawling through the dirt trying to catch up, Yasmine believes more and more that she's not worthy of her best friend's time. Like Moon has outgrown her in a way that leaves her feeling desolate and lost.

And yet Moon lets her stick around. Yasmine knows she should spend more time counting her blessings and less ruminating on her newfound status as the school loser.

Because, for some strange reason, Moon doesn't actually seem to care. For now, that's enough.

Unfortunately, her enduring popularity doesn't make Moon immune to the kind of self-interested assholes Yasmine's trying not to emulate anymore. Moon's ex--the subject of many a horror story concerning the Valley in Yasmine's absence--can't seem to leave her alone. Whether it's making passes at her when she's very clearly not interested or wrecking her science project because he can't stand to see her happy without him, the guy cannot for the life of him take a hint.

Moon vents at lunch one day that she loved him, and it broke her heart to watch him turn into such a jerk. Yasmine hopes for the sake of her own sanity that her friend is exaggerating.

Because Moon really, really needs to set her sights higher than some possessive creep who gets her name branded on his skin after a month of dating, and then acts like it cosmically bound them forever. The issue is that Yasmine has no idea how to convey this tactfully enough that Moon will actually listen.

For the most part, Yasmine is grudgingly happy that Moon grew a backbone. But she misses when her opinion had more sway, based on force and conviction alone.

It's times like these she wishes the two of them were on speaking terms over the summer. Then Yasmine could've told Moon to fucking run.

Moon's ex gets better, at least. Stops being a raging ass. Actually steps back and respects Moon's relationship with Piper.

(As sad as that thought makes Yasmine, for whatever reason.)

And yet he still watches her walk by with those big, sad eyes of his, like she's eternally the most tear-jerking scene in some depressing drama. When Moon stops to chat with him--friendly and kind, even after everything--whatever she says flies in one ear and right out the other.

It's so fucking pathetic. Hawk puts her on this shining pedestal of divinity and utter perfection--his own personal angel of salvation. But ask the boy so much as her favorite color or her favorite animal or her favorite store at the goddamn mall, he would bluescreen faster than a Windows Vista.

And frankly, Yasmine doesn't give a shit about his stupid fucking redemption arc. Good for him that he's not acting like a human dumpster every second of every day, but Moon isn't obligated to patiently help him wade through the muck of his own bad decisions. Fix and tidy up his perpetual list of issues.

Moon is more than some trophy to hand out for not being a shithead.

She's a whole human being, with thoughts and dreams and hopes and feelings. She likes turquoise jewelry and yoga and California rolls. She wants to be a massage therapist, but is worried it would pay like shit. She likes spending quiet, thoughtful nights walking around hidden corners of the bustling city. She realized she had a talent for baking and cooking when she made weed brownies to give out at school. She loves decking herself out in glowsticks at raves because it makes her feel like some mystical fairy. She listens to mostly electronic and top 40s bubblegum pop, but every now and again, she craves nothing but a good classical piano piece. She adores trashy romcoms, and has only ever been taught to be ashamed of it. Especially by people like Hawk.

And she's the most incredible person in the world.

She’s the reason Yasmine boards that plane back to LAX, if she’s honest.

Sure, it’s got something to do with her father’s frequent pestering about her love life. The exhaustion of constantly faking enthusiasm for a relationship that has only ever been a cover-up. And she isn’t keen on missing junior prom for a ceremony ushering in a stepmom scarcely better than the one who gave birth to her.

But the moment she sees that blue dress, that curled hair, that euphoric beam when Yasmine walks over…

Nothing else at that dumb dance even registers.

And yes, she dances with Demetri. Grinds on him as much as she’s expected to. Even stays for the afterparty to make out with him for good measure. She has to keep up appearances, after all.

But with Moon tired and headed home, Yasmine excuses herself after 20 minutes, suddenly no longer able to stand Demetri's mouth on hers.

In the coming weeks, Moon seems to buy into Hawk's song and dance hook, line, and sinker. Somehow, sad puppy eyes and pining stares and sob stories about how he's "lost his confidence" are enough to make up for him not knowing any more about her than a stranger of the street. All the conversations they've had and dates they've been on and intimate ways they've entwined their bodies, and Hawk has managed to ask Moon so remarkably little.

He's learned so remarkably little about the girl he's convinced is his soulmate.

And it's beyond frustrating to see Moon worrying herself over Hawk's neverending teen angst and annoying inner demons when Yasmine worked to better herself, too--and all she expected in return was a halfhearted pity friendship. When Yasmine's the one who can make Moon laugh without even trying. When Yasmine knows Moon's brunch order and favorite spa treatment. When Yasmine has seen Moon high and wasted and everything in between. When Yasmine's the one who always held Moon's hair back when she yakked her entire stomach contents into the toilet.

When Yasmine's the one who rarely leaves Moon's side. When Yasmine's the one who sits closer than just friends in every restaurant booth. When Yasmine's the one who sneaks longing glances at Moon not out of some mopey self-pity that she can never get the girl, but because she simply can't help it.

She'd look at Moon forever if she could. She'd gladly spend eternity taking in everything that was Moon--everything she'd ever been and everything she'd ever be--and never expect a damn thing for it.

And again and again and again, Yasmine is overlooked. Nothing but background noise in Moon's solemn duty to take care of a boy who will never deserve her.

And it's pathetic, really. Moon had a girlfriend. Kissed her in front of the whole school. Yasmine saw the instagram pics. It's not like Moon isn't open to being with girls that way.

Yet every time Yasmine wants to finally tell the truth, something stops her. Something holds her back. Something whispers in her ear that Moon would laugh in her face. And perhaps it has less to do with them both being girls, and everything to do with how they feel worlds apart these days.

After all, what hope is there for the cheer captain to love you back when all you are is that joke of a Front Wedgie Girl sitting in the bleachers?

Hey :) what are your experiences with each sign

Oh the tea. I think I did this but it was long ago so I’ll do the updated version.

Virgo: If you have been following me for at least 6 or 7 months then you’ll know for a while there was a strong vibe of hate against Virgo on the page (not by me) after I have expressed how my most notable bullies were Virgos. Now as a sign I love Virgo and Virgo celebrities. I have now many Virgo friends in my life and online. My experiences with them as an adult is much better, but to be honest even Virgos will tell you that some Virgos are fucking horrible. Other than that, such sweethearts. Also, never met a stupid Virgo in my life, regardless of my experience with them. They might’ve been assholes but never dumb.

Libra: The sign that got me into the most amount of trouble, shenanigans and shit in my life. Other than my younger sister, I had three other Libra friends and I can tell you Libra is trouble. Even though they themselves don’t look for it, they keep putting themselves in such stupid situations that escalate beyond repair. From old ass boyfriends, sketchy places, daddy issues, family drama, public intoxication and horrible exes, I have been through it all with Libras. Such good intentions but (excuse my language) naive and dumb as fuck. Exlecuding a friend that pretended to be possessed and was with a leteral killer, if you want more check my last story on youtube.

Scorpio: I don’t know many Scorpios. Dated one for a month then turned out he wanted me for a threesome. Mind you even his boyfriend didn’t know. A friend of a friend and she is cool. Also a creep from uni that keeps on trying to date my best friend, even though she is a lesbian.

Sagittarius: I personally don’t know many Sags, however, two of them had such strong effect on my life. My father and my high school bff, and both were EXACTLY THE SAME AT EVERYTHING. Sis long story short, they’re too much to handle at times but in general they’re very fun to have around, also keep at a distance.

Capricorn: My best friend is a Cap but she is the only Cap I know. She is so slow and chill she would’ve been pronounced dead if she didn’t roll in bed. And this is coming from a Taurus. She is very smart, even though she calls herself stupid. She graduated third in her uni class. If only sis would move that ass more.

Aquarius: For some odd reason, all my uncles wives are Aquarius, even my mom is an Aquarius. Crazy, cuckoo, #teamtoomuch and all of that. They all have in common their strong personalities and tendency to over stepping boundaries and love for control. Now for my mom, me and her either agree strongly or disagree strongly. Her Virgo moon doesn’t help in making her any less critical. God bless their hearts. I met alot of Aquarius people at school and those are some weird motherfuckes to say the least. But in general I do prefer Aquarius boys.

Pisces: The baby of the zodiac. Either the most good hearted people or the most evil sneaky bitches you’ll ever meet. I personally only had issues with Pisces boys, they are usually the fuck boy type. I had a mentor that is a Pisces and I love her so much, along with a friend but that’s it.

Aries: I don’t know any 😅. Like other than some family members, I never had a friendship with one.

Taurus: Oh these bitches 🙄. Just Kidding 😂. I am a Taurus if you didn’t know, so hello welcome to my page, my name is Husain and I am a Taurus. I love Taurus girls. Taurus guys, well........... if they aren’t gay I don’t want to know them 😅. Let me explain. Taurus straight guys are so fucking conceded and are very much like the stereotypical Taurus. But I do love Taurus celebrities. Also, alot of my family members arw Tauruses.

Gemini: I personally love Gemini, even though I met the stereotypical ones. I had some Gemini friends, a frienmey in elementary/middleschool and let me tell you something, even though me and this boy had a lot of issues it was because we were very alike. We both were pettyTM, he would walk by people and laugh so fucking loud to annoy the shit out of them. He also taught me a lot of sneaky shit, like putting someones things in someone you hate bag to stir shit up. Messy bitches. Very smart but usually shit in school, unless they cheat.

Cancer: I have such a weird relationship with Cancer. Alot of my family members are Cancers but most notably my oldest and youngest sister. Wheew girl the mess. How the two of them are the same sun is so weird to me. Regardless of their differences, all the Cancers I met can’t conceal how they truly feel. At many times they will make a joke at your expense but how dare you flip it on them. Very opinionated. And most importantly, they have a strong connection to their family.

Leo: Only met one Leo, and she was such an obnoxious lady. Her first words to me were “I will fill my stomach later with vodka”. She was with me in the fashion designing team and boy was she not it. You don’t have to know brands to be fashionable and into fashion, but when you go into a place like Versace and call their scarf a “rag” and their sandals “bathroom flip flops” while having a loud ass metal ringtone, it was enough for me to not want to know her. Oh and did I mention she turned out to be in the same uni as me 🤦‍♂️.

That’s it, don’t take it personal, these are my experiences not the definition of an ENTIRE GROUP OF PEOPLE. So please shove it up your butt and scroll if you don’t like it *mwah* ❤️

The Problem with Reality, Pt 2

<Prev> The Monologue of one Maczysz Stilinski/Hale

“They say that, when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. Honestly though? That’s such a load of bullshit. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve almost died? Do you know how many of those incidents I’ve seen a play by play of my life? None, not even when I actually fucking died! I’ve been cheated out of a lot of shit in my life, a lot of good shit too, so I’m going to do the play by play! Ahem.

I was born Maczysz Angelika Stilinski to humans Claudia Stilinski and Jeorek ‘John’ Stilinski. I was an angelic kid no matter what anyone says. The first few years of my life were great, eating, sleeping, pooping and having someone else clean it up. That was nice, I guess, but then I got to be introduced to the wonderful world of education. Let me tell you - hell doesn’t even need to exist when you have fucking ADHD and a hyperactive imagination, okay? Not only that, but you put it in the body of a girl whose father was a Deputy and whose mother was a nurse. I was literally exposed to so much information - as much as I could get my hands on!

Believe me, by the time I was six I knew how to hide keys until my dad made copies or had to use the backup. I had a key for his filing cabinets, for the car, and for the front and back doors. I was never going to use them for evil though, maybe to do things I wasn’t supposed to, but never for evil. Anyway, getting off-topic. So, by six I was bilingual for Portuguese and English, a hell of a combination for a kid with ADHD who could barely form coherent sentences, let alone sentences with words that weren’t English. 

BUT - it was because of that multilingual gibberish that I landed my best friend, Scott McCall, who also knew Portuguese from his mother and bam! A friendship that lasts throughout multiple realities thank you very much. Then… then I lost my mom. I won’t go into that, I don’t want to, you already know the full situation in detail and it’s still painful. I - it’s my one regret, that little Mischief will have to go through that again, all because I couldn’t save her…

Uh, where - where was I? Oh, anyway, mom died. Dad started drinking. I hated it, had to learn to cook and do laundry. He never hit me or cursed me or anything, but he would - I dunno just give me these looks. Like he was looking for any trace of my mom in me, or he would look at anything but me. So, in true Max fashion, I shaved all my hair off. Scott thought it was punk as hell and told me we were totally brothers now. Hehe, it never bothered me that he saw me as a guy, made me really happy honestly since all my dad could see was my mom in me. So I started spending the night over at his more, studied with him, ate with him and Mel while she taught me how to cook certain dishes - she even let me help, the few times she was free to actually do that. 

Then dickhead Rafe - and no I don’t care that it isn’t his real name, he doesn’t deserve to be called anything but Rafe because he hates it so goddamn much - went and left because he chose to drink instead of fixing things with his family after Scottie got hurt. Suddenly we really were siblings, either staying the night over at his while my dad worked over night, or over at mine when Mel worked overnight. We slept in the same bed until we were thirteen - which other people still find weird. Let me tell you, we didn’t stop until he got his first morning wood at fifteen, and we celebrated it because, for the longest time, my poor Scottie thought his dick was broken.

Can I - can I even cuss here? Like, I’m not going to get smited, smote - whatever. I’m already here, fuck it.

Continuing on! At sixteen Scottie and I went all red riding hood into the woods and met the one, the only, Peter Hale. He was half-crazed and the other half of him was running on wolfy instincts, but it was Peter, and the prick decided that he liked my jacket on Scottie and bit him, turning him into a werewolf. 

Fast forward a couple more months of Scott trying to kill me, his first full moon where he made out with my crush and cemented the fact that I was definitely not lesbian, and then we get to the juicy bits where Peter killed Kate Argent - I hope that bitch is being burned to death, repeatedly, in hell. In fact - could I, like if I don’t get into Heaven or whatever comes after this, can I go to hell just to burn her? Like, that’d be my heaven. No..? Okay. 

Ahem, anyway, uh, Scott hit Peter with a Molotov, killing him, but Peter is crafty so he came back to life a little more sane but no less sassy, and decided to grace my doorstep every few nights with a letter on my window. They weren’t love notes, in fact, I’m pretty sure the first one was him telling me that he wished he had bitten me even though I said no just so his legacy wouldn’t ride on Scott’s shoulders. Looking back it’s funny, but back then I was furious. How dare this sociopathic nut job think my best friend lacks anything. 

Peter though, was different. Maybe death really does change you? I dunno, either way, he became more involved in the pack - or, well, he got more involved whenever I was involved. He gave me the research material he’d put together as his family’s bestiary and helped to figure out how to ‘cure’ Jackson’s reptile problem. 

Then he helped to deal with the Alpha pack and saved me from being tossed off the roof of the hospital by Ennis. Ah, there was also Scott betraying us, me, for the first time. That was fun, I think - honestly I think that was the first time that I actually touched Peter? Like he was always touching me and brushing against my arm, but I think that had been the first time I had touched him. 

It wasn’t anything special, but he stopped my panic attack somehow, and that was great. He was also really firm - ah, nevermind. That’s - that, I was seventeen for crying out loud. Okay? His body was hella nice and his smirk pissed me off and aroused me even when I wanted to kill him again. That night though, it was kind of the turning point. I no longer thought of immediately killing him whenever he annoyed me. 

Then the Alpha pack was dealt with, Scott was a ‘True Alpha’, and Deucalion was sent off - which I still don’t agree with, but whatever, I fixed that shit. Deuce gets to see his baby girl grow up now and Gerard is totally burning in hell next to Kate. Hehe, can - like I feel like I’m definitely gonna be sent to hell, so can you like, assign me to them? It’s gotta be their personal hell to see me again. No..? Gosh, I can’t tell what you’re thinking or feeling with that damned mask, whatever. Continuing on with my flashbacks. Ahem!

What was next? Oh yes, the Nogitsune.”

Sorry I haven’t been giffing/posting/reglobbing much lately, guys. It’s that behemoth of a fic swallowing up all my sitting-upright time (and a big chunk of my reclining time). Four chapters or so to go and I’m still spending about 7-11 hours every day combing the remaining text for typos (yes, some of us actually do care about our fics and don’t think it’s some dirty “trashy,” “guilty pleasure” of less value), so it’s a full-time job with overtime. So if I’m slow to respond to anything, it’s that. I’m sure that soon enough, the post-fic existential emptiness will be upon us and you’ll be seeing more gifs and tag yelling.

Although it’s just been so quiet among the nice people here and so loud among the idiots that I might just take several steps back from Tumblr in general, just for my mental health. There seems little point in making gifs nobody reblogs and saying anything when it’s drowned out by the types who give liberals a bad name (honestly, some of the shit people say on here would already have made me a Nazi were I a bloke, because apparently nothing is ever enough and I’ll always be Doing it Wrong anyway; you’re not making tolerance seem worthwhile, if you nevertheless beat the tolerant person up for wearing the wrong types of socks).

I’m still looking for that fandom old people’s home, so if you find it, that place where people are old enough to have some fucking perspective, do let me know.

This whole place is eerily reminiscent of an abusive relationship where you’re constantly having to tiptoe because you never know when the next explosion is going to come and where from, what sort of utterly random thing someone is going to call abusive now and beat you up for, even if you’ve been working hard not to upset them, have made deliberate choices to accommodate them because you know their wounds. It’s like Borderline Personality Disorder, but in the form of a website. (And yes, I know first-hand what BPD is like. Had the spouse, had the flatmate, had the fuckbuddies, had the friends.) And the worst thing about BPD is that it’s catching: being around a human minefield makes everyone jumpy, and then *their* jumpiness becomes tyrannical towards others (when the hurt person is just self-defending, they feel) and then the cycle continues. Everybody is paranoid and beating everybody up in the name of great justice, and undermining everyone else’s psyches to the point where they become human minefields themselves. And they don’t know how to stop that cycle, if they’re in denial about having a problem, because of course, if you hurt and lash out, you’re just defending yourself. (Being told you’re a shitty person for freaking out at a trigger is worse than being triggered. Good luck trying to crawl out of that into any semblance of health, if you feel you’re just an explosive piece of crap forever.)

And while I know I can help a bit by stepping outside of that and offering fic and pics and lols where people can forget about it all, I’m still in two minds about offering it in a direction where the recipient is never going to be happy anyway, and where the effort is (or seems) wasted as long as the receiving end isn’t doing any conscious healing/rebuilding itself to better appreciate healthier things. It does nothing. Why am I buying medicine for someone who abuses me for it and throws the bottle in my face? I’ve been there, trying to please people who were locked up in their traumas and paranoias, throwing all my love and effort and work at them to no avail because I thought I could help; I’m not keen on doing it again. Because now I’m old enough to know I’m wasting my time, as brutal and as “selfish” that sounds (how about calling it “self-preservation?” “Sanity?” “Kindness to oneself?” I know women are beaten out of daring to have that, for daring to even think their lives aren’t meant to be lived for other people, but fucking watch me go).

Just like partners and friends aren’t the same as professional help, fandom isn’t the ultimate cure for depression/trauma unless there’s an inner change in the ill person to better utilise it. I was that ill person and I had to go through a lot of therapy and growth to not become a 24/7 abusive bitch myself (I still have shitty hypersensitivities, but those are in-built–they’re bad enough). I changed the way I see fannish activities (I now really do see them as medicine), and only then could I enjoy them to the fullest and only then could I start writing really good fic, because it comes from a firm ground of faith in the inherent value of fic. It’s a really complicated thing to explain, the interrelationships of fandom, queer people and mental health (there should be a book on fandom/queerdom and mentalness–we are wonky in the head, sometimes fucking awfully so, and it’s *not* all due to persecution but genes).

But my gist is that there’s no point in endlessly remaining in a draining relationship with someone who doesn’t want to heal–Tumblr’s anxiety-mongering culture of self-hate, ahoy! One has to pick one’s “battles” and channel one’s energy somewhere where it’s actually going to bear fruit. Not on a site that says the phrase “I don’t discriminate by colour” is racist, or that a feminist, mixed-race royal princess “isn’t enough” or that a given sexual minority gets to rule it over everyone else. Not on a site full of kids who are too young/American to have known *real* homophobia and racism, and who don’t realise that for most people, in the real world, even not being racist or homophobic is a *choice.*

Which is why I miss that supportive community of other brainy, feminist and reasonable fans who actually had conversations so. Fucking. Much. Where are they? (DW is where the militant vegan lesbian sociopath SJWs went, and if you’re not keen on eternal frowny moral meta, ehhh.)

Where’s the actual fun? Where are the other fans who are old enough to have been through therapy and who have experienced real relationships and have known actual real “minority” people IRL, and who consequently have an open mind about things? Who can see that things really aren’t as black and white as they thought they were when they were in their teens? Where are the fans who know something about psychology and psychiatry? The ones who know how gendered socialisation works and just how deep it goes, and who aren’t fans of Tumblr essentialism and its blindness to gender-based toxins? The fans who actually understand and respect the intelligence of other fans, instead of kneejerk assumptions of ignorance and moral corruption? The fans who legit don’t think a Gen X writer who forgot to use–or simply didn’t know about the existence of–a new politically correct term, is as evil as Hitler (because ignorance=/=active, intentional oppression, Jesus!)? The fans who respect the labor that goes into fanfic and fanart and always leave comments or otherwise support fan creators, instead of thinking of writers as vending machines for something “dirty” they feel ashamed for reading?

Because I’m that kind of “old” fan and I’ll be there for you if you’re there for me.

I just need to know where the fuck you are!

“Pretty Little Liars” recap S7 Ep20: Til death do us part

Pretty Little Readers, this is it. The last PLL recap I will ever write…until the inevitable reboot in 2032 that follows the adventures of teenage twins Lily and Grace DiLaurentis-Fields. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This was a two-hour finale with buckets of exposition, so let’s dive on in! I’m glad this show finally upped their budget and gave Jenna a pony   We open on a deserted Rosewood street, where the Liars are all drinking coffee and bemoaning the drama-less state of their lives. It’s swelteringly hot, but all anyone can talk about is how boring everything is without any mysteries to solve. Oh, and Lucas tap dances by in a white tuxedo. And Jenna rides by in a decorated horse like she’s a circus performer. And then it starts snowing.  Is that snow? NO IT’S COCAINE!!!   The Liars look to the heavens, and the camera zooms out to reveal they were inside a snow globe, which was no joke my fantasy ending for this show. But who is holding the snow globe? Mona Vanderwaal, queen of the heavens, runner of the games, genius among geniuses. She’s locked up in Welby with only her snow globe, which she drops to the floor when she’s confronted by a black hoodie. She asks them if they are there to kill her, and she smiles that Mona smile. Then the opening credits run for the last time, and all the Liars do the “sshhhh” together. TOGETHER!  For real though guys, who is in this coffin?   We then cut to ONE YEAR LATER, and check in on the gang. Ezria is on the Warner Bros. lot (which is incidentally where they shoot the show- so meta!) because their book is being turned into a movie. They are also getting married in a week. Spencer is rescuing horses with Melissa and bonding with her, and Toby returns to town after a long Eat, Pray, Shave tour of the world. Spencer is rehabbing a cute pony named Bashful, who is skittish around everyone but her. Don’t worry, this will come back later in a big bad way. Emily and Ali are juggling twins, Lily and Grace. Also, Ali has the worst bangs and it’s so distracting I had to rewind this scene twice just to focus. Ali meets up with Pam Fields at the Radley, and they have a secret conversation about taking care of/loving Emily. Ali continues teaching English at Rosewood High, where she discusses literary endings (wink wink) with her class. She’s still teaching mini-bitch Addison, who disrupts the class and calls Ali a lesbo. Ali is in no mood, and grabs Addison after class. Addison isn’t scared of her, but she IS scared of Jenna Marshall, who is now a life skills teacher at Rosewood. What life skills is Jenna imparting to these children?! How to seduce men and women alike into doing your bidding? Firecracker dodging? I have so many questions, the first of which is, where do I sign up? Addison tries to sass Jenna by waving her hands in front of her blind face, but Jenna grabs her by the wrist like she’s Dare Devil and tells her that she while she can’t see, she can smell a bitch from a mile away. In a world where teachers can sleep with and marry their students without censure, I guess calling someone a bitch is small potatoes.  BITCH CAN SMELL   Meanwhile, things aren’t sunshine and lollipops with Hanna and Caleb. Mona is being discharged from Welby, and Hanna invited her to stay at the loft without running it by her husband. Caleb is upset that the woman who tried to push his wife out of a bell tower is now their new roommate, but Hanna knows that while husbands come and go, ride or die BFFs are forever. On cue, Mona shows up at their door and Hanna welcomes her. Mona seems fragile and forgetful, and tells them that with her new meds, she isn’t as sharp as she used to be. If this series ends with a neutered and sad Mona I will never forgive Marlene. Why is the wifi password Hanily?!   The Liars and friends meet up at the newly renovated Lost Woods resort, which Spencer and Ali are re-launching. Everyone’s gathered for a surprise bachelor/bachelorette dinner for Aria and Ezra. There is wine and laughter and memories, and everyone is having a good time…except for Haleb, who can’t stop squabbling. Spying on them from the bushes is a black hoodie, who turns around to reveal MELISSA HASTINGS…or is it? Everyone is enjoying drinks by the fire pit, when Emily remembers that this is their first night without the babies and drags Ali to their room for some sexing. Then everyone else pairs off to hook up, except for Toby and Spencer who decide to play scrabble like a couple of nerds. We find out that Spencer is going to law school, working at her mom’s firm, and rebuilding her relationship with her family. Isn’t it nuts that we’re 25 and have two kids?!  Tell it to my bangs: they’re already 45.   While everyone else gets a lengthy sex scene, complete with saxophone music, Emily and Ali press their cheeks together and touch legs because that is how lesbians have sex on Freeform. At least, they are trying to…Ali is feeling all sentimental while Emily is trying to get it on. I feel like this would be a totally adequate sex scene by itself, but pairing it with Ezria’s lengthy romp only highlights the double standard when it comes to queer sex scenes.  Nothing says sex scene like closed mouth kissing!   Despite this disparate treatment, let’s all take a step back and marvel that this series is ending with a happy queer couple, where no one is dead or heartbroken. It’s 2017, but there is still something delightfully revolutionary about the awkward gay jock winning the heart of the most popular girl in school and living happily ever after. It’s kind of lovely until you remember what they did with Maya and Shana and Charlotte. In a less romantic sex scene across town, Hanna and Caleb are still fighting while Hanna sits with her legs up, trying to conceive. Yup, these two dummies are trying to have a baby. And in sadder fertility news, Aria gets a phone call from her doctor and finds out that she can’t have children. Why is everyone so baby crazy on this show?! Y’all are 25, settle down. Aria wants to call off the wedding, but the Liars convince her that Ezra won’t care. She tries to keep it a secret, but ends up telling him the next day, and he responds as he should: that it doesn’t matter, and there’s more than one way to make a family. Melissa watches the Liars comforting Aria from the bushes, and removes her mask to reveal MONA underneath. Dun Dun Dun! I would love it if A.D. turns out to be a Russian nesting doll of masks leading to an empty hoodie. Mona Facetimes with A.D. and demands to know who they are. You know what would really take this party up a notch? Jenna Marshall on a damn horse!   The next night is Aria’s rehearsal dinner, and Hanna brings along Mona, which is rude as hell. You don’t just bring your crazy hyperadrenalized murderer BFF without RSVPing for her first! No one is more shocked than Ashley Marin, who separates from the Wine Moms to give Hanna a talking to about co-dependency and toxic friendships. The Wine Moms keep talking about that time they got locked in a basement, yet another spin-off show that we’ll never get from Marlene.  A toast to the best parent on this show: Chardonnay!   Emily sees Alison sneaking around with Pam and assumes that Ali is hiding something from her. She gives Ali the third degree until she reveals that Pam gave her the family engagement ring—she was planning to propose to Emily somewhere romantic, but instead she’s doing it right this second in her pug dog sweater. Ali thanks Emily for loving her unconditionally, even when she was a zombie bitch who communicated through stolen birds and old witches. Even when she was flying a plane in a Vivian Darkbloom wig. Emily says yes, and they kiss.  If you can love me through these bangs, you can love me no matter what   Meanwhile, Spencer goes back to Toby and they have a lengthy sex scene of their very own. Spencer steps out of the shower and finds Mona in a black hoodie in her room. Mona says “Déjà vu bitch!” and knocks her unconscious. Spencer wakes up in a prison cell, disoriented. She looks in the mirror and checks herself out, until the mirror Spencer starts moving on her own. Holy crap, Twincer is real! And British! Kudos to everyone who predicted this twist, I honestly thought it was going to be someone else. This British twin is Alex Drake, aka A.D. and she’s busted Mary Drake out of jail for a family reunion. Put some pants on, we need to talk about Spencer’s accent: it’s not just British. It’s Eliza Doolittle meets Burt the Chimney Sweep meets Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd. It’s SO over the top and terrible and delightful. Just like this British evil twin conceit: soapy and ridiculous and I am so on board with this nonsense. ‘Ello Guvnah! I’m your twin I is!   In a series of flashbacks, we get the sordid tale of Alex Drake: When Mary was in labor at Radley (in the 1940’s) she gave birth to Spencer, who was quickly whisked away by the Hastings family. So quickly in fact, that no one stuck around for Spencer’s twin sister Alex to be born. To buy her way out of Radley, Mary sells Alex to a fancy British family who raise her across the pond…until they realize that she is the baddest of bad seeds and dump her at an orphanage for evil geniuses. Flash forward, and teenage Alex is pulling pints in a bar where she runs into Wren. Wren can’t believe he’s found a British Spencer, and tells Alex of her true parentage. They fall in love (eww) and Wren arranges a meeting for Alex and Charlotte. Once the half sisters meet, they become thick as thieves, each finding the family they were searching so long for. Charlotte falls in love with Archer, and they proceed to double date their way around Europe. It’s like The Parent Trap, but with more wigs, murder, and asylum stays.  This is my Sarah Manning cosplay…fancy a shag?   But Charlotte can’t handle being away from the game, so she goes back to Rosewood to play with her dolls, where Mona murders her in the bell tower. Consumed by revenge, Alex sets out for Rosewood and picks up the game where Charlotte left off. In her quest to find out who murdered Charlotte, she gets a glimpse into the charmed life of Spencer Hastings, and wonders what could have been if she had that life. You know, that idyllic suburban experience where your father bangs every mom in town, you’re related to all your friends, and you spend your entire adolescence being terrorized by a maniac in athleisure wear. Ah, the stuff that dreams are made of! Alex starts cosplaying as Spencer and pops up in a series of flashbacks: Alex was the one who held Hanna when she was locked in that barn. Alex asked Toby for the goodbye kiss. Alex also banged Toby and fell for him. Soon enough, she decides she wants to be Spencer full-time, so she’s locked Spencer in her new dollhouse and takes over her life. She’s so into mirroring Spencer that she makes Wren shoot her in the shoulder so she has the same scar. She also uses Wren’s sperm to father Emily and Ali’s babies, before killing him and turning him into a diamond necklace. Which she wears around her neck. EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. I mean, it’s no bracelet made of teeth, but it’s still pretty bonkers.   Does this seem like a lot of exposition? Because it’s an insane amount of exposition. Alex isn’t revealed until at least halfway through this 2-hour finale, and she hits the ground running, checking off every unsolved mystery this show ever made up. Bitch can summarize! Alex heads off to Aria’s wedding, where no one notices anything different about her. Aria comes out in her bridal gown, and it is some wacky vintage nonsense that only Aria could cook up. Frankly, I’m surprised it was missing her signature leopard print pattern. It’s the last ever Emily Fields cleavage appreciation post!   Meanwhile, Mary tries to comfort Spencer by making her Peruvian chicken and assuring her that living life in a jail can be fun. Spencer begs Mary to release her, and Mary gives her a hug. Instead of bum rushing her birth mom out the door, Spencer cries in her arms. Once Mary locks the door, we see that Spencer has taken a bobby pin out of her hair. Someone is about to Nancy Drew her way out of this underground prison! Back at Wedding Central, Ezra still hasn’t shown up. Aria is crying Byron is threatening to beat up Ezra, and everyone is confused. Did Ezra have a crisis of conscience and decide not to marry the girl he seduced at 15? Of course not! Alex abducted him and threw him in a jail cell next to Spencer. Does Ezra help Spencer escape? Nope, he just mansplains lock picking to her with a pissy attitude. Back at Radley, the Liars are all sharing a room and consoling Aria. Alex climbs into bed and strokes Aria’s hair, telling her that they’ll be the closest of all. How did she find out about Team Sparia all the way in England?!  Team Sparia for Life   The next day, Alex meets Toby at the stables, where the horse starts freaking out because he knows she’s not Spencer. That, or she’s a vampire. Toby starts putting the pieces together. Later, Jenna meets with Alex and can tell just by smelling her that she’s not Spencer. Finally, Toby takes the book of French love poems Alex gave him, and realizes that it can’t be Spencer’s book because there aren’t any notes in the margins. Toby brings this information to the Liars, and everyone is like, “evil twin? Yup, sounds about right” and they go off in search of the real Spencer.  YOU’RE NOT MY MOM!   Back at the bunker, Spencer picks the lock and frees herself and Ezra. They try to escape from the bunker and run outside of the house…only to realize that they aren’t outside at all. The ceiling is painted to look like the sky, and there is fake grass and everything, but it’s just a dollhouse within a dollhouse. Mona confronts the Liars and tells them that Wren tried to kill her in Welby, but she convinced him she could help bust Mary out of prison. Mona has also tracked Spencer’s coordinates to Toby’s house, because she is in this damn game to win it.  Here I am, explaining this game to you dum-dums one last time!   The Liars bust their way into the bunker, where they stumble onto the classic twin face-off: Spencer and Alex wrestling, and trying to convince the Liars that they’re each the real Spencer Hastings. Oh, and Ezra hits his head on a rock. Toby grabs one of the twins and demands to know what their favorite poem is from the book, and the real Spencer (in classic Spencer fashion) starts reciting it in perfect French. The cops rush in and arrest Alex and Mary, and Spencer is reunited with her friends.  I’m the right real Spencer, you barmy old chaps!   The Ezria wedding gets a do-over, and everything goes smoothly, even Marlene King’s cameo as a photographer who didn’t turn off her cell phone. The Liars walk around the only square in Rosewood, and talk about how much they’ll miss Aria while she’s on her honeymoon. Spencer is back together with Toby, and Hanna reveals that she’s pregnant. They all hug and it’s very sweet.  So long Rosewood…you’re the 6th bitch at this table!   But what of Miss Vanderwaal? We find Mona living in Paris, selling antique dolls and making out with a beefy French dude. She steps into her backroom, where she has dollhouse decorated with two brunette dolls. The camera pulls back and we see Mary and Alex Drake imprisoned in a dollhouse of their very own. Looks like Mona won the game after all.  Praise be to VanderJesus, for ever and ever, amen.   Then the final scene is a rehash of the pilot opening, with Addison’s mean girls at a sleepover (with Maya’s cousin) waking up to find their queen bee missing. Nice try show, but I’m not spending another seven years with this hot nonsense. And that’s it: seven seasons of masks, wigs, doll parts, Grunwalds, and interchangeable white guys. Seven seasons of Shay Mitchell’s shiny pony-like hair and two facial expressions. Seven seasons of that same damn yellow top that Ali wore on the night she died a thousand times. I started this show the way most of us did, by reading Heather Hogan’s recaps and laughing along with the #BooRadleyVanCullen crew. I didn’t know then that I would go on to write recaps for Autostraddle and AfterEllen, nor did I know that AfterEllen would meet a cruel and untimely end. I didn’t know that I would meet my very own Twincer, Dana Piccoli, who would bring me here to the Bella Books blog to complete this ridiculous journey. To everyone who edited my work, gave me encouragement, and provided me with screengrabs (shout out to @PLLBigA) I want to say thank you. Bitch can appreciate! At its best, Pretty Little Liars was campy frothy fun with some serious heart. It gave the queers of the world Emily Fields and Paige McCullers and Alison DiLaurentis. It also gave us Ravenswood, Ezria, and oh so problematic treatment of Charlotte. Most importantly, it gave us an online community, a world of inside jokes and memes that bonded us nerdy, pop culture obsessed queer folks together. Visibility still matters, now more than ever. I will miss recapping this show, but more than that, I will miss the weekly check-in on Twitter, and laughing my face off at all your hilarious comments. I’m taking a break from recapping to work on my own writing, film my web series, learn how to fly a plane, assume an alias, speak to birds, and life-jack my twin. But just like Alison DiLaurentis, I’ll be back. I hope you’ve enjoyed these recaps over the past couple of years: I’ve enjoyed writing them and getting to know all you beautiful weirdos. Ending these recaps is a real mannequin leg to the heart. What else is there to say but…XOXO bitches! http://dlvr.it/PRGG7Q