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#the important thing is that it makes ME feel incredibly unwell to the point of screaming

shima-draws · 3 months

Text

Now that I've had time to Absorb mentally. Several things.

-Luffy going from overeating to swearing off eating entirely. Homie that CANNOT be good for you. And the fact that he's willing to not eat unless it's Sanji's food...that's so. INCREDIBLY significant. Bc it's been very clearly established how much Luffy LOVES food. His stomach is literally a black hole. Eating gives him strength and makes him happy. He enjoys food so much he steals it off other people's plates. He's so impatient when it comes to meals that he'll sneak into the kitchen to try and mooch before it's ready. And now he's refusing all that...for Sanji. He's going to sit there and starve himself, even though he doesn't like being hungry, even though food is one of the most important things to him, even though he has a CHOICE to eat and he CAN eat but he's not going to because it's not food Sanji made for him. The fact that food is such a central part of Luffy's character and who he is, and that we know he never does anything he doesn't want to do, it just makes me. GODDD. Why is he like this why are they like this I'm insane

-THE FACT THAT THEY LITERALLY DID THE MONTAGE OF ALL THEIR MEMORIES TOGETHER. JESUS CHRIST. That was a low blow. And also the gayest shit I've ever seen. Yeah let's just drive it in even further how important these two are to each other and how much it's tearing them both apart that Sanji's leaving by showing all their wonderful moments together. I was literally full on SOBBING at this point. Fucking RUDE smh

-Sanji being SO self sacrificial makes me want to cry I CANNOT with him rn,, It's to the point where he feels like he can't even rely on his nakama because he just wants to protect them. Like he could have easily told them what was going on. But he decided he'd chase them away, for their own safety, because Zeff's already in danger and Sanji can't risk losing his crew too. He couldn't bear to see any of them get hurt by the family that's been tormenting him for years. So he hurts HIMSELF by pushing them away. He loves them so so much that he's willing to cut ties with them completely and make them hate him so that they'll stay SAFE. GOD. Except Luffy sees right through that act bc he knows Sanji too well 😭 The fact that even Nami didn't realize that Sanji was just trying to protect them makes me so emo she really did think he'd been lying to them all along...GIRL have more faith in your nakama!!

-Luffy refusing to give up on Sanji, not ever, I'm going to explode, that is HIS nakama HIS cook and he won't stop until he can bring him home. BASHING my head against the wall

-Also I already talked about The Line in my last post but here I'll share my tags

I need to be put down I think I am so unwell rn

#SORRY. I'M SORRY. I JUST NEEDED TO GET MY THOUGHTS OUT #Oda was successful he put a bullet RIGHT through my heart. She is bleeding now. I am crying #Sanlu #Lusan #One Piece #WCI #Whole Cake Island #Sanji #Luffy #Monkey D Luffy #Black Leg Sanji #They are in LOVE your honor!!!#Things are rough rn but they'll work out I KNOW they will #Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt tho. CHRIST.#Feverishly rewriting their farewell as we speak. AKA Sanji kisses Luffy goodbye instead of beating him senseless #Shima speaks

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sihtricfedaraaahvicius · 11 months

Note

hi, i was wondering if you could perhaps write modern!sihtric fanfic with fake dating trope? to be more clear, maybe there's an upcoming family event in reader's life, like someone's wedding idk, and her parents are nagging her about being single so she asks her best friend (and our boyyy) to act as her boyfriend for the night, just so the parents can't complain and try to find her some unwanted company? just lots of fluff and family comedy! if you don't feel like writing this it's totally okay!! take care <33

Warnings: flufffff

Pairing: Modern!Sihtric x you (f)

Summary: see request!

Word count: 5.4k

Note: I had so much fun with this, thank you! also; you didn't tell me if reader and our boi actually like each other so, to make everything more awkward, of course they have feelings for each other.

Taglist: @clairacassidy @finanmoghra @uunotheangel @hb8301 @bathedinheat @neonhairspray @anaeve @bubblyabs @travelingmypassion @sylas-the-grim @heimtathurs @bubbles-for-all-of-us @valeskafics @andakth

'Perks of dating me.'

******************

'You want me to do what?' Sihtric laughed as he laid down on his bed.

'It's not fucking funny!' you hissed and punched his shoulder, 'please, Sihtric, I beg you. Please pretend for the night. One night.'

'You want me to pretend to be your boyfriend? At a wedding party? Of your aunt?'

'I never said boyfriend.'

'Date then, whatever,' Sihtric rolled his eyes before he laughed again, 'are you serious?'

'Yes! My parents keep nagging me that I have to bring someone.'

'Look, I'd love to help you, but I'm not sure about this. I'm not exactly the type a mother wants to see her daughter with, am I?'

'What do you mean?' you frowned. You thought Sihtric was incredibly handsome, you saw no problem.

'Look at me, sweetheart,' Sihtric said, 'I'm covered with scars, I have tattoos on my fingers and one in my neck that goes up to the side of my head, I carry a knife with me at all times and I am known to get into fists fights at the McDonald's parking lot at 3 in the morning because they are out of nuggets and I had one too many to drink. And I got you into violent videogames,' he grinned and nodded to the paused tv screen.

You had to give it to him, he had a point. You thought he was handsome, but then you did have a thing for "bad boys" so to speak. Your mother would be upset, your father would probably get unwell and your grandma might actually pass away if they'd see you with Sihtric. But Sihtric was your only hope for the night.

'Please,' you begged again, 'Sihtric, if you don't go with me my parents will find me a date.'

'What?'

'They heard that some guy named Finan, who lives across from them, has a thing for me. They desperately want me to date him, or anyone really. So I said I already am seeing someone, which was obviously a lie. If I can't get you to come with me, they'll ask him! But I don't want to date him!'

'Okay, I'll go,' Sihtric groaned and rubbed his eyes. He was not going to see another man by your side.

'Really?'

'Yes,' he sighed, 'but we need to come up with a story. It's weird to just bring a random date to a wedding, is it not?'

'I agree, okay, so… what's our story?'

'Gods,' Sihtric snorted, 'I have no idea.'

'Look, the most important thing is,' you said, 'we have to be convincing as a couple.'

But that was the least of your problems. You actually liked Sihtric more than just a friend. And unbeknownst to you, he liked you a lot too. Way more than friends. But as you were both too afraid to ruin the friendship you had, you never told each other.

You had met Sihtric by accident through your mutual friend Uhtred, who you were supposed to grab a drink with a quite some months ago. Uhtred had accidentally double booked and had asked Sihtric to meet up at the same day, same spot, same time, which he didn't realise. So Uhtred was surprised, but also amused, to see both of his friends suddenly show up. And Uhtred didn't say it, but he saw there was instant chemistry between the two of you, as it took only 30 minutes before you both bickered like an old married couple about which power ranger was the strongest.

And as you lived on your own, your parents never knew about Sihtric, because why would they? He was just a friend.

******************

'Okay,' you sighed nervously as you sat next to Sihtric in his car, 'remember we have to be convincing.'

'Yeah, yeah,' Sihtric smiled, unable to keep his eyes off you while he waited for a traffic light.

He thought he had died and gone to Valhalla when he saw you walk up to his car when he came to pick you up. He loved your usual style, but as this was a wedding, you had to dress up. And he thought you looked like a Disney princess with your sleeveless black corset top accompanied by a long, blush coloured velvet skirt while wearing black, high heels underneath.

If he wasn't such a wuss, he would have proposed to you right at the spot.

And you were equally as stunned when you saw Sihtric, who was for once not dressed in his regular black cargo jeans and a flannel. Today he was wearing a black, made to size, tuxedo which matched his dark hair. The white blouse underneath his jacket wasn't completely buttoned up, showing a part of his clavicles and his Mjölnir pendant, which you thought looked very sexy. The sides of his head were freshly shaved, exposing the tattoo that ran up to the side of head, he was wearing his regular amount of rings and to your surprise, instead of fancy shoes, he wore his regular black leather boots, which made him instantly look rougher than a usual wedding date. You were head over heels, but it's not like you were going to tell him that. Actually, you hadn't even grasped the fact that you had to pretend to like him.

You had agreed on a backstory, so you knew he had to pretend to be your date, but in your panic to not have a random date as your plus one, you completely forgot that you had to really act as a couple. And you became instantly nervous once you realised it.

'You look pretty,' Sihtric said, making you even more nervous as he pulled up to the wedding venue.

'Thank you,' you blushed heavily, and you thanked the gods for Sihtric wearing sunglasses so he couldn't tell when he smiled at you.

'You look handsome,' you said with a dry mouth as he stopped the car.

'You think?' he lowered his sunglasses to wink at you.

You tried to open the door of his car as fast as you could, feeling your cheeks heat up again, but you forgot that Sihtric's car had this stupid child lock that he can't seem to fix, so you just desperately tried to unlock the door, with no success, looking like a fly stuck in a window.

'Hold on,' Sihtric sighed as he took off his sunglasses, 'you know that door doesn't work like that, you have to pull the-,' he clicked his tongue and leaned over, unlocking the door for you. And to make everything worse, he smelled nice too. Fuck.

*******************

Before you reached the door to the venue you had already tripped over your skirt, twice. It was a slim fitted and long skirt, and it kept getting stuck under your heel as you walked up the stairs. Luckily, Sihtric was already playing the part of being a good date and he had caught you both times as he had hooked your arm in his to walk up to the party.

'Shit,' you sighed, 'I'm going to rip it if it gets stuck once more.' You felt embarrassed but were thankful that Sihtric had caught you twice.

'Wait,' Sihtric said. He kneeled down and lifted his right trouser leg up slightly, pulling out a dagger, which was in a holster around his ankle, covered by his leather ankle boot. And before you could protest he cut a perfectly straight split in the side of your skirt, which went up to just above your knee. Without saying another word, he placed the dagger back in his holster, rolled the trouser leg down and zipped up his black boot again.

'What the fuck,' you muttered as he stood back up, holding his arm out to you again with a grin.

'Better?' he asked as you continued your walk up the stairs, without tripping this time.

'Actually, yeah,' you giggled, 'thank you,' you smiled at him.

'Perks of dating me,' Sihtric winked and licked his lips before he grinned again.

'Remember,' you said nervously as you stepped through the door, 'we have to be convincing.'

'Do we have a limit?' he asked in a serious manner, 'do you have a limit? Like you don't want me to do certain things like, you know, things couples do?' he shrugged lightly.

'Huh? No, no,' you felt stressed about the whole party, 'I trust you, just- just be convincing.'

'Don't worry about me, I'll be convincing,' Sihtric said and gave you a cheeky smile as he walked you up to the happy newlyweds. And he heard you cough lightly when his hand slid down to your lower back.

He was going to enjoy tonight, finally behaving the way he always wanted to with you, but never could out of fear of ruining your friendship.

'Hey! Look who it is!' your uncle cheered, nudging your aunt when he saw you walk in.

'Hi,' you said shyly, 'yes, it's me,' you smiled and gave the happy couple a hug to congratulate them.

'And who is this then?' your aunt asked, looking Sihtric up and down.

'This is Sihtric,' you smiled as you blushed, 'my friend. I mean boyfriend, my date,' you blurted out. Your uncle gave you a confused look as he shook hands with Sihtric.

'Jack of all traits, sir,' Sihtric smiled, 'congratulations.'

'Thank you, son,' your uncle smiled at him, impressed by his firm handshake. You watched Sihtric congratulate your aunt with a polite kiss to her cheek, to which she even blushed, and as your uncle made a remark about Sihtric's pendant and engaged into a conversation, your aunt nudged your arm.

'Honey, if I wasn't married,' she whispered and nodded to Sihtric, 'I'd climb that man and ride him like a bull.'

'Auntie!' you gasped, to which Sihtric and your uncle looked up. You coughed quickly and waved that everything's fine as you tried to fight the thought that your aunt, who was 67 by the way and just married her second husband, would lure Sihtric into her bed. You thought you were going to throw up in your mouth for a moment.

Your aunt laughed at your flustered face and told you to go to the dining room, as dinner would soon be served, but she didn't let you walk before she said you should have Sihtric as dessert later. You sighed with big eyes and walked as fast as you could, making Sihtric almost run after you as he tried to escape your uncle's endless conversation about religion.

'Babe!' Sihtric called after you and he chuckled, 'wait up.'

You stopped walking. Not because he asked you to, but because you felt your knees weaken when he called you babe, and if you had put another foot forward you would've lost your balance on those ridiculous high heels. You hadn't thought this plan through. You really hadn't.

'Hey,' he said as he stood next to you, 'you okay? You look a little… startled?'

'Yeah, it's just… my aunt. She's very cheeky for her age,' you smiled painfully, 'let's just go find a seat. I'm starving.'

'Gods, me too,' Sihtric said and he grabbed your hand, being the good date/boyfriend he is, or whatever he was supposed to be tonight, he didn't care, 'I wonder what's for dessert,' he said, after which he immediately had to catch you again as you somehow twisted your ankle.

******************

You were nervously fidgeting with your skirt while Sihtric looked completely calm, sitting back in his chair with his arm around your shoulder, sipping some wine they just served. He seemed to be completely oblivious to the table across from you, which had all your teenage nieces, and they were giggling and blushing as they stared at your date. And you couldn't blame them, you felt exactly the same, but you couldn't show it.

'Hey,' Sihtric startled you when he spoke softly in your ear, 'you gotta loosen up, baby. You'll make everyone think you don't want to be with me if you keep this face up,' he chuckled lightly as his nose nuzzled your ear briefly. You felt dizzy enough already, and alcohol made you sick, how could you possibly loosen up?

'Sorry,' you said after you took a deep breath, 'I just… I didn't think this through. This was a bad idea, wasn't it?'

'You feel it's a bad idea?' he asked, concerned.

'Don't you?'

'No,' Sihtric smiled, 'I'm having fun. Your family's really something. I just watch that guy,' he said, pointing at your younger nephew, 'stuff his mouth with thirteen breadsticks. Thirteen!'

You snorted and shook your head, suddenly feeling relaxed as you remembered that Sihtric always made you feel safe and comfortable, which is one of the things you loved about him.

'I guess you're right,' you smiled, 'we should have fun, right?'

'Exactly,' Sihtric smirked, 'there's free food and free alcohol, and I have you by my side, what more could I want?'

'Well, well,' a familiar harsh voice sounded behind you, and Sihtric watched your eyes grow wide, 'my daughter with a boyfriend? I thought I'd never see the day!'

You turned around and looked up to see your mother towering over you, with your father behind her and your grandma in the middle. Your mother smiled politely at Sihtric but her eyes told you she was going to keep an eye on him all night. And when Sihtric turned his head, to shove his seat back and stand up, you thought your mother was going to faint upon the sight of the tattoo on his head, and she grabbed your grandma's arm.

'Hi,' Sihtric smiled, you were surprised he kept his cool so well, 'my name is Sihtric.'

'Sihtric?' your mother feigned a smile as she shook his hand, 'and what is your job?'

'My job?' Sihtric asked, a little confused by the random question, 'I'm a stripper, lady,' he grinned.

'Sihtric!' you said as you jumped up.

'What?' your mother's face turned pale as she clutched onto your grandma, who was partly deaf, praise the lords.

'A stripper?' your dad frowned.

'No, he is not!' you hissed.

'Oh, no,' Sihtric pretended to be shocked, 'I mean, I strip cars, you know, before they get demolished. My job is to strip the car of anything that can be recycled,' he grinned, knowing exactly what he had done; riling your parents up and possibly sending your grandma to her grave early if she had heard it.

'Oh, goodness,' your mother sighed, and she went to sit across from you at the table. You watched your grandmother stare with disgust at Sihtric's necklace and she made a cross gesture before your father walked her over to her seat.

'He looks like a rat,' your grandma muttered.

This was going to be a long dinner.

****************

'You just had to do that?' you whispered when dinner was finally served.

'What do you speak of?' Sihtric frowned with a smirk. And gods, he looked handsome.

'You are evil,' you said, failing to hide your smile.

'And you loved to see your mother panic,' he grinned and pressed a kiss to your cheek. Which made you blush and you heard the entire table of younger nieces sigh as they had witnessed the quick peck.

'Oh,' Sihtric chuckled as he looked over at the table with youngsters, 'I see you may have competition tonight,' he joked.

'They have been staring at you the whole time already, but I guess you were too busy watching little Edward stick breadsticks in his mouth.'

'And an interesting event it was,' Sihtric said, 'but, if you saw me staring at that kid, that means you have been staring at me too,' he spoke softly as he leaned in.

Your mother watched with horror as Sihtric leaned his face against yours for a moment as he spoke, and she shuddered at the thought of what kind of vile words may come out of the mouth of that savage looking man. And when she saw how his hand reached up to your neck, and his fingertips trailed over your bare shoulders, she violently kicked your leg under the table.

'Oww!' you yelled, looking shocked and angry at your mother. Sihtric frowned at the sudden moment and saw you rubbed your leg, and he quickly undersood what had happened. He figured your mother had seen him touch you, and she was not a fan. So naturally, he would make everything worse.

'Are you okay honey bun?' Sihtric asked, louder than he had to, causing half of the room to turn their faces to you and the table with youngsters squealed at the nickname he called you.

'Yes,' you blushed, 'thank you, s-sweetheart.'

You knew you had to step up your game if you wanted to be as convincing as Sihtric was.

'I just got a cramp in my leg,' you lied, giving your mother a mean stare.

'A cramp?' Sihtric said, still speaking a little too loud, 'again?' he clicked his tongue, 'you had leg cramp in bed last night too, right, baby?' he glanced quickly at your mother before he continued, 'and this morning as well.'

You felt your face heat up and your mouth went dry, so you quickly reached for the glass of water and gulped it down in one go, and you almost spat it out when you noticed it before Sihtric grabbed the glass.

'No!' Sihtric quickly grabbed the glass out of your hands, 'that is not water, love, it's white wine!'

'I figured,' you said with a bitter face and coughed, 'I thought it was water.'

'No,' Sihtric chuckled lightly and quickly poured you some water, 'here, drink this.'

You drank the water just as fast as you had downed that glass of wine, but you still felt thirsty, because Sihtric was looking and behaving way hotter than you could handle.

'I need some air,' you said, pulling your corset uncomfortably, and you got up.

'Babe,' Sihtric said, genuinely concerned and he ran after you, much to your mother's disgrace.

'He looks like a nice young man,' your father nudged your mother with a smile as he watched Sihtric run after you, 'do you remember when you'd get a leg cramp in bed when we-,' suddenly your dad froze and dropped his breadstick when he realised what obscenity Sihtric had meant.

*****************

'Hey,' Sihtric called after you. You heard him but you really needed air, so you ran as fast and clumsily as you could to the terrace, where you quickly leaned over the small, brick wall, and just as Sihtric reached you, you threw up.

'Gods,' Sihtric said, quickly grabbing your hair to hold it out of your face, 'honey,' he sighed and stroked your back, 'it's okay.' Sihtric knew for a fact you didn't like alcohol, not because you didn't like it, but because it simply made you sick. A few sips was okay, but a whole glass was a big nope, and he hoped he had pulled the glass from your lips in time, but unfortunately.

'Are you okay?' he asked once you finally faced him and sat down. He was quick to hand you the handerchief he had in his tuxedo pocket, and he gave you the water bottle he had already snatched off a table when he ran after you. You wiped your lips rinsed your mouth a few times before you drank the remaining water.

'Thank you,' you smiled before you buried your face in your hands. You felt like crying.

'Hey,' Sihtric whispered, noticing you were visibly upset, and he wrapped you in his strong arms, 'what's wrong, baby?'

You had no idea why he kept his act up even when no one was around, but you didn't care, you needed it right now.

'This whole thing, this plan, this party, my parents,' you sniffled, 'it's just so embarrassing!'

'Why?' he asked as he pushed a strand of hair behind your ear and he cupped your cheeks, 'tell me, sweetheart.'

'My mom… she always complains about everything. My job, my clothes, my hair, my fucking shoes, my house, the men I've dated, obviously now she's trying to make your life a living hell tonight. Nothing is ever good enough for her. I'm so tired of it and it's so embarrassing. I'm a grown woman! Yet she still feels the need to interfere with my life.'

Sihtric watched you intensely as you ranted, and he felt himself fall even more in love with you with every word you spoke.

'I knew bringing you was a bad idea in the end, but I had no one else,' you said, 'and I'm so sorry to bring you into this bullshi-'

Before you could continue your rant, which seemingly had no ending, Sihtric covered your mouth with his hand.

'Baby,' he whispered, 'listen to yourself. You knew bringing me would stir up some shit,' he smiled, 'and you're right, it happened. But I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. So why not just make the most of it?'

'You mean like… make it even worse?'

'Exactly,' he grinned, 'I don't care. Your mother already made up her mind about me without getting to know me,' he shrugged, 'so I will be delighted to live up to her horrible idea about me.'

*********************

'Okay, ready?' Sihtric asked as he held your hand.

'Yeah,' you smiled as you looked back into the dinner room. You were still a little nervous about the new plan, but knowing Sihtric had your back meant the world to you.

'Okay,' he smiled and he led you back to your seat.

Your father shifted uncomfortably as he saw your hair was a little messy and Sihtric's handkerchief was missing from his tuxedo pocket, and he feared Sihtric had given you leg cramp again.

'You look pale,' you grandma rudely remarked. She meant well, but as she was old, she had no filter anymore.

'Thanks, grandma,' you smiled weakly, knowing she had a reason for her harshness.

'I think she looks beautiful,' Sihtric said with a smile, making the table of youngsters sigh.

You smiled back at him as he grabbed your hand under the table, squeezing it lightly.

'No, she looks rough,' your mother just had to give you another kick while you were already down. And that was all you needed to get fully onboard with Sihtric's plan.

'Yeah,' you looked at Sihtric before you looked at your plate, 'Sihtric likes it rough,' you sighed as you picked up your fork and casually started to eat.

'Sweet Jesus,' your mother cried out softly while your father dropped his knife and excused himself. In the corner of your eyes you saw Sihtric had a grin on his face and he leaned in to you.

'How did you know I like that?' he whispered, to which you almost downed another glass of white wine.

*****************

'So,' one of your older nieces turned to you, 'when are you getting married?

'Me?' you frowned.

'Soon,' Sihtric helped you out, wrapping his arm around your shoulder, 'ain't that right, baby girl?' he said as he emptied his fifth mini bowl of salted peanuts. He really was going to eat all he could, just because it was free, and your mother looked at him as if he was a pig.

'Oh, are you engaged already?' she asked, to which your mother snapped her head to you.

'Oh, no,' you smiled, 'he hasn't asked me yet,' you rolled your eyes, 'you know how men are.'

'Oh, I know,' your niece laughed, 'how long have you been together?'

'Six months,' you said.

'Eight months,' Sihtric said at the same time, and you both froze for a second. One of you had messed up the background story, but you both couldn't remember who exactly.

'I... think you had too much to drink, honey,' you smiled at Sihtric.

'Sorry, bunny,' Sihtric sighed, grabbing his glass and gesturing to the waiter he wanted a refill, 'you're right. We've been a couple for six months,' he glared at your mother for a second, 'but you forget that we were friends with benefits for two months already.'

You watched your mother choke on her water as she muttered a prayer, and you grandma innocently asked what was being said.

You smacked your lips, 'you're right,' you grinned and leaned into him, 'I always forget you count those months too.'

'I do,' he smiled and thanked the waiter as he got another glass of wine, 'so I guess I should propose soon, huh?' he took a sip of his wine as he looked your mother in the eyes.

'A girl can dream,' you smiled and kissed his cheek.

'How did you meet?' your mother suddenly asked.

'We met through a friend,' you spoke the truth and looked up at Sihtric, 'and we've been basically inseparable ever since.' Which was also not a lie. If you didn't see each other for a day, you'd text constantly, until you'd see each other again.

'Not a word has been lied,' Sihtric smiled at you, lovingly this time.

'Was it love at first sight?' your recently married aunt asked as she sat down next to your mom.

You suddenly felt shy, because for you, it had been love at first sight. You just couldn't tell him, even if you were "pretending" now.

'It was for me,' Sihtric suddenly said and chuckled lightly, not in a mocking manner, or in a way to shock your mother. He was sincere and genuine this time. 'First time I laid eyes on her,' Sihtric sighed, 'I was completely smitten,' he spoke softly but confident, and the men at the table who heard him chuckled and murmured it happened to them too when they met their spouse, to which Sihtric raised his glass, and the men did too. 'We already argued after half an hour about which power ranger was the strongest,' he continued, making everyone who heard it smile, even your mother's face seemed to soften, 'honestly, I don't even know how we came up with that.'

'It was because you had longer hair when we met,' you reminded him, 'and you wore a white shirt and white sweatpants, and Uhtred said you looked like that white power ranger from the '90s because your muscles really showed through that shirt.'

Sihtric laughed, 'oh, yeah, that's right,' he shook his head, 'in my defence,' he said and looked round the table, 'the white power ranger was the strongest.'

'No,' you interrupted and covered his mouth with your hand, 'the red one was the strongest.'

Sihtric took your hand and laced his fingers with yours, 'Sweetie, you only say that because you thought the guy was hot.'

'Maybe,' you shrugged, 'but you'd be the hottest ranger if you were one.'

'And I'd happily protect you for the rest of my life if I was one,' Sihtric smiled and bit down on his lip. You both got lost in each other's eyes for a moment that you didn't even hear all the ladies, even your mom, sighing lovingly at his words.

'I'd marry him,' one of your younger nieces called over from their table, to which you all laughed.

'Yeah,' you chuckled before you looked back at Sihtric, 'I would too,' you said and blushed.

Sihtric didn't reply, he just looked at you as if you were the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Which you were to him, you just didn't know.

'So, yeah,' Sihtric said and cleared his throat, 'love at first sight it was,' he looked over at the men who cheered and raised their glass to him again, which he did too.

'And you?' your grandma suddenly asked, 'was it love at first sight for you?'

'It was,' you admitted with flustered cheeks, trying to hide your smile, 'I remember going home that night, being overjoyed I managed to get his number, after arguing for hours about power rangers,' you chuckled and so did the rest, 'and I was so nervous to text him.'

'Really?' Sihtric asked, 'why?'

'Because you're so out of my league, babe,' you didn't lie this time either, you finally told him your true feelings, 'look at you,' you smiled and squeezed his biceps through his jacket, 'you're so handsome, and I'm just… me,' you shrugged, 'I wouldn't understand why you'd be interested in me when you could literally have anyone you wanted.'

'And I have who I wanted,' Sihtric said, truthfully, squeezing your hand as he looked deep into your eyes, 'I have you, baby,' he smiled softly, 'and it's you who I wanted, ever since I first saw you.'

You both stared into each other's eyes while everyone around your table, and the table with the youngsters, held their breath, as if they expected a proposal right there and then, but everyone got rudely brought back to the party when someone shouted they were to held a toast, as the dinner was over and the dance floor was about to open.

******************

Sihtric was amused at your drunk uncles, who were convinced they could do that one dance from that popular k-pop group. Sihtric would later tell you that it was the best worst out of sync choreography he had ever seen, and he had loved every second of it.

'You want to dance?' he asked you, after the tragic dance attempt of your uncles unfortunately ended.

'I'm not much of a dancer,' you chuckled, 'maybe if a slower song comes on I could save myself, but not this,' you shook your head, 'I will look like my uncles.'

Sihtric snorted at the thought, and it was as if the Devil was the DJ, because as soon as you had spoken the up beat song faded out into a slow, sappy love song.

'You said it,' Sihtric smiled as he got up.

'Gods,' you sighed. Sihtric took your hand and pulled you up, walking you up to the dancefloor,

'I really can't dance, Sihtric,' you said, 'I'm serious.'

'I don't care, lady,' Sihtric smiled, bringing his hands to your waist to pull you closer. You placed your hands on his chest and looked up at him with a shy smile.

'Gods, you're beautiful,' he whispered shyly as he looked down at you, and he guided your body along with his effortlessly, making you both feel as if you were the only two people in the room.

'So are you,' you giggled, 'did…did you mean what you said earlier?'

'I've said a lot tonight,' Sihtric chuckled, 'you have to be more specific, baby girl.'

'What you said about love at first sight?' you didn't dare to look up at him now.

'Hm,' he hummed quietly with a smile and leaned his jaw gently against your temple, 'I did, baby,' he spoke softly, 'every damn word. You've been in my head ever since I saw you, and I couldn't get you out.'

'Why did you never tell me?' you looked up at him.

'Would you have told me if you felt the same?'

'But I feel the same, Sihtric,' you smiled shyly again.

'And did you tell me?' he asked playfully.

'No,' you smiled, guilty.

'And why didn't you?'

'I …' you sighed, 'I was afraid to ruin our friendship if the feeling wasn't mutual.'

'There is your answer,' Sihtric said and he gently cupped your cheek with one hand, sliding his other hand onto your lower back, 'but I guess since we're finally being honest, I can admit that I desperately want to kiss you right now.'

And when he captured your lips into a tender, slow kiss, it was as if the world around you didn't exist anymore. There was only bliss.

'You want to go home?' you blurted out when Sihtric broke the kiss as the music had changed into something upbeat again.

'With you?'

'Yes,' you smiled.

'Nothing I want more,' he smiled back, and pulled you with him off the dancefloor.

'Wait, Sihtric,' you snorted as you almost tripped again, 'my feet are so tired from these goddamn heels, let me take them off before we get to the stairs again.'

'Come here,' Sihtric clicked his tongue with a smile and wasted no time in picking you up in his arms.

'No,' you giggled, 'you don't have to- just let me take off my shoes!'

'No, lady,' Sihtric grinned, 'I like the way you look in them.'

'What is that supposed to mean?' you frowned and wrapped your arms around his neck as he walked out of the venue.

'Meaning that I hope,' Sihtric said as he carefully watched his step in the dark going down those stairs, 'maybe I'll be lucky tonight and see you in nothing but those heels,' he winked.

'Gods,' you rolled your eyes but couldn't help yourself and you smiled at him, 'I think I'm in love with you, honey.'

Sihtric looked down into your eyes and smiled as well, 'I think I'm in love with you too, bunny.'

#sihtric x reader #sihtric x you #sihtric fic #the last kingdom fic #sihtric kjartansson #the last kingdom #sihtric #tlk #modern!sihtric

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seventeenlovesthree · 9 months

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So I just finished Good Omens season 2 and while I obviously share the sense of longing that left most of the fandom devastated at the end, I must say... As a 32 year old woman who just started a new job after having been stuck in a profession that made her feel mentally unwell and stuck for the past 5 years, all I want to say is that this season left me with a huge appreciation for the silliness of life as a whole.

"Wait and see" is actually the best advice I'd want to give to anybody, whether they are kids, teenagers, young adults at the beginning of figuring out their lives - but also to people much, much older than me, wiser, more experienced, basically to everybody who, like me, felt lost and in despair due to the state of the world, their own lives, their purpose, whatever it may be. There may be spoilers ahead now, but I simply feel the need to summarize my feelings in regard to what I saw:

Life can be incredibly unfair. You may be seeking that promotion at work, aiming to get the recognition or the salary you feel you deserve - or maybe you just want to make a difference, make a change for things to get better. You know how difficult that can be, y'all are terribly understaffed after all, people have developed a certain sense of resignation, there is snark and sarcasm, some are doing the bare minimum, others are simply trying their best and remain positive, dealing with either imposter syndrome or have been thrown into positions they may not even be suited for. Heck, even the higher-ups may not be suitable for the positions they have ended up at...

There are times when you're asking yourself what's the use in all of this. You don't know if karma or fate have been betting against you, a lot of unpleasant things have happened and there have been many times you just wanted to give up. Feeling inept, not enough, never enough, unlovable even. It's all so frustrating and unfair. So what really is the point of all of this?

I'm telling you what it is: Sometimes you really just have to "wait and see". It may not fix everything right away, and some things may actually never change for the better, but... Chances are you may encounter something, someone that will make it all worth it.

You just need to open your eyes and mind - and stop taking things personally. Or even seriously. Humans are such silly little creatures, the older you get, the more you realize that interpersonal interactions are not exactly what we were taught they would be. There is no handbook that can give you every answer you are looking for, because people just are inherently weird. They are quirky and silly and difficult and fun and that is perfectly okay. There may also be people that have (and will) hurt you, so deeply that you think you can never trust anyone ever again - but you need to learn that not everyone is out there to get you. Because people also tend to be so focused on themselves and their own issues that they may actually not be paying attention to you. We may misunderstand each other, we may not be able to get each other, some people are incompatible and others just fit together in ways that are literally ineffable. Love comes in so many shapes, so many ways, so many colours, affection, fondness, relatability, friendship, comradeship, romance, you name it - and that's why it's so important that you actually go for the things that make life worthwhile.

Sometimes you have to dance that silly little dance, either on your own or with a person you cherish.

Sometimes you have to get that terribly over-priced coffee, because it warms your heart and soul - and without taking that moment to enjoy it, you may not even have noticed that the sound of the pouring is so much nicer to listen to than grumbling over it "ruining your day".

Sometimes you have to ramble about that weird, obscure hobby you have, because it makes you happy and, even without realizing it, listening to you may make other people happy too.

Go read that silly little book, go listen to your favourite song, go learn about a skill you've been fascinated about in a while, even if people may roll their eyes at you.

Sometimes we need to take the time to heal from the wounds we already obtained. Not everybody will remain by our side forever, some may not understand why we do the things we do. The love we feel for one person may not be enough to make them understand our ways and sometimes, separation is the only solution for the time being - to take a step back, to think, to evaluate, to process. Because it simply wasn't the right time, the right moment, no matter how long (or little) we have waited already. There will be change - because not everything will last forever. But that doesn't mean that things cannot change for the better either.

If we wait and see.

#good omens #good omens season 2 #good omens s2 spoilers #good omens s2 #my two cents #personal #good omens spoilers

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queer-ragnelle · 1 year

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My episode 3 thoughts are you won't believe how fucking gay I am for Morgan. She can do unethical magic on me anyday. Holy shit. I adore her. And I like this interpretation of Vivian! Very interesting. Excited to see more :)

Happy wedding day, Jennie! Hopefully nothing Bad happens in it

The women in this show in general are all very good. I'm very used to being let down by shows like these when it comes to the women dslkfjdf but they're handling all of them very well! Each has a very distinct personality (except for Ms. Ector, RIP queen you will never be forgotten), and they all have desires. They all have wants. It's honestly fascinating to watch their arcs progress, I'm so excited about it. And, of course, I'm so very gay for all of them.

The building of Camelot as the place of legend we know today, literally from ruin and dust, is FASCINATING. The people flock there desperately wanting to get help, Arthur barely knows how to handle them all, the gates are open for everyone... And they all stay INSIDE the castle walls still, there isn't a town forming around them. They barely have enough resources to rebuild everything, but they all hope so much for things to be better than they were. It's quite sweet.

Squints at whatever that scene with Merlin and Morgan was. I could find the deeper meaning in that for sure if I looked but I'm not going to look.

GAWAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BOY!!! WHAT A WRECK!

"...Lot's dead." Yeah.

I love this interpretation of Arthur, because they I can see the clear arc they're making with his character and I'm so excited for it, but also... You buffoon. You clown. You fool. And GODDAMN this show is horny, I was not expecting this lol

Sorry I have loving Gawain disease and it's terminal. Please return my books to the library if I don't get the chance by the time I finish this show because it will kill me.

Oh Jennie, my love, what a mess you've found yourself in. Don't worry. According to the 20 minutes of that last episode I watched by accident I know all will end well.

....I got distracted halfway through and started watching warrior cats maps and Darktail is basically Mordred but as a cat? sfjdskfl I haven't read up to that point but if what I've gathered from fandom is accurate then uh. Lmfao.

I'm sorry these are so long I just. Need to share my thoughts as I watch things with other people. It will happen again, until the end of the series. 7 more to go. Thank you again for the wonderful recommendation

i would absolutely believe how gay you are for morgan bc i am gay for her. eva green is my favorite ever. she was great in penny dreadful also. yeah i have to agree, kay's mom notwithstanding, everyone else feels fully realized. the point i try to make when discussing arthuriana is that having a female protag in a retelling does not automatically denote feminist, the story can still be incredibly misogynistic. but i don't get that from starz camelot, it truly stands apart in my eyes. it treats igraine, morgan, guinevere, etc with respect (regardless of morality, which is key, as morgan could easily be narratively abused to make a point about "evil" women while the men do whatever they want without consequence). each lady has equal narrative weight to merlin, arthur, kay, etc. its so refreshing. love the way they just piled everyone in without any long term plans. another thing i like about the writing here is it shows arthur is inexperienced without making him obnoxiously obtuse. he has no idea what he's doing but offers his good will to the people, yet they haven't got the infrastructure to see his vision realized. its naïve, not stupidity. which is important to keep us invested in him as a character! he is making mistakes, but they're not horror movie protag bad, so we stay engaged. he remains sympathetic. GAWAIN TIME!!!!! it only gets better.....he is so......unwell<3 every arthurian character is extremely varied so it's impossible to know whether darktail is reminiscent of mordred. its like "which mordred?" there are a million of that guy. he and gawain exist on a wild spectrum. there is a version of them for everyone. so darktail both is and isnt mordred. its beautiful really. don't apologize for long messages! you're talking to someone writing an arthurian epic bc a trilogy wasn't enough words for me. thank you for sharing your viewing experience. now everyone go watch this show.

#starz camelot #ask #arqueervist

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coriel-muroz · 2 years

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Huntsville Revived #438

Justin, between working long hours and devoting his time to his children, also found time to spend with his fiancée.

“Hello, darling,” he said as he greeted her. He hoped she did not notice the scrutiny he gave her face, looking for any signs of the mental distress he had missed while they had been in the Islands, and for months before that as well.

“Justin.” Her voice was soft, his name said as a promise of so much more.

He could not believe the excitement he continued to feel every time he was in her presence.

“Do you remember when we attended that dance-a-thon in high school, and Archer danced so hard he knocked over the buffet?” Margery wanted to know.

“I hadn’t thought about that in years!” Justin laughed with Margery, “He wasn’t normally clumsy, just when all eyes were on him.”

The two of them went into the bar and did some dancing of their own. Neither of them knocked anything over.

“I love that you are growing a medicinal garden,” Margery told him, “I’ve been thinking about it. I want to know how to make medicines too.”

“You do?” Justin tried very hard not to sound skeptical. He worried what those skills could accomplish, if Margery returned to a certain mindset.

“Yes. I love that you are a healer, Justin. You were able to save me, when I was...well, you know...”

Justin did know.

“Look, if someone wants to hurt themself, they will find a way. There are so many options. Helping you heal people, that will put me in the Watcher’s Grace.”

Justin sat beside Margery, holding her tightly. He wasn’t sure how to convey to her all the fear he had had. That he couldn’t lose her, and that his children couldn’t lose her either, once she was part of the family.

“Justin,” Margery said, “I’m in therapy. I’m taking the right medication. I’m not going to stop doing that, even though the things in my life that caused me to end up in that dark place are now fully resolved. I can’t promise I will never be unwell again, but I know the signs. And you know the signs.”

She had a point. Nothing in life was certain, but they were doing everything they could to ensure that that night in the Islands would never be repeated.

“Justin, I love you.”

Margery kissed him, passionately.

Justin kissed her back. As he did so, he reflected that he never had understood those who described Margery as frigid. With him, she had always been passionate.

“I want to move forward with our lives,” Margery told him, “I want to spend more time with Elle, Aurora and Berlin. If I am to be their step-mother, then they should get to know me.”

“You’re right,” Justin smiled. He was going to marry this incredible woman, so it was important that she get to know the kids. Berlin and Aurora would adore her. Elle may not be so easily won.

#Huntsville Revived #sims 2 simblr #Houshold 14 #Justin Davis #Margery Hunt #cw suicide

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kikigoestomotherhood · 2 years

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Love them or hate them, here in the UK a news-week doesn't pass without reference to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (better known as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle).

I was pregnant with my daughter Sally at the same time they were expecting their oldest child, Archie. What continues to resonate most with me isn’t the scandal or gossip that has followed their decision to exit royal life (and every move they make since), but rather, the courage Meghan showed when she spoke about the suicidal thoughts she had while pregnant.

Although so much has been done to chip away at the stigma surrounding maternal mental health, I know first hand that it is incredibly difficult to admit to having those feelings yourself. The CDC estimates that at least 1 in 8 women experiences symptoms of postpartum depression (PPD). The risk of developing PPD or PPA (postpartum anxiety) increases if you:

experience depression or anxiety before or while you were pregnant

have a pre-term birth

had multiple births

have a baby experiences health problems.

( I tick 3 out of 4 of those boxes- not great odds!)

Worryingly, despite evidence that having a baby with severe reflux disease can have signifiant impacts on maternal mental health, infant GERD (gastro-esophageal reflux disease) remains a condition that is understudied and often dismissed by both pediatricians and GIs, increasing the potential for negative outcomes for both babies and mothers GERD and Maternal Mental Health In a 2014 study that looked at infant GERD and maternal-child interaction during feedings, findings suggested ‘the behaviors of infants with GERD (e.g., frequent regurgitation and irritability) and resultant maternal feelings of frustration and anger have the potential to severely affect the mother-infant relationship.’ We knew that Sally had reflux before we ever brought her home from the hospital. Spitting up, countless parenting books reassured me, was normal. However it soon became clear that whatever was happening to our little girl, it was far from ‘normal.’ Sally didn’t just have reflux- she had GERD—reflux that is continuous and painful. My daughter's physical agony broke my heart and my spirit - highlighting the psychological impact that having a child who is unwell can have on parents and carers.

'You're Overreacting'

I rushed Sally to the hospital more than once after terrifying incidents where she started choking, seemingly on nothing, and temporarily stopped breathing. There I was told ‘spitting up is normal, it’s important not to overreact’ when they noticed the state of panic I was in.

I sat through countless appointments with her pediatrician and GI where they repeated ‘she’s gaining weight, she’s fine’ even as I tried to explain that her eating aversion had taken hold to the point of force feeding her in her sleep. To them, I was an overly anxious mother. And the thing was- I couldn’t disagree! I WAS overly anxious- how could I not be? My baby was unwell and no one was taking me seriously.

As Sally’s symptoms worsened, so did my mental health. I began to dread feeding times, sometimes counting down the minutes until my husband arrived home from work so that I could assign the next bottle feed to him while I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. Our relationship suffered and I began to retreat more and more into myself, desperate to help my baby while also wishing I was anywhere else.

Mother's Day, 2019. What I remember most about this day, my first one as a new Mom, was the overwhelming sense that I was failing my daughter and didn't deserve any recognition at all. We had friends over for dinner and I remember feeling like I was wearing a mask--outside I was a happy new Mum while inside I was crumbling.

A Misunderstood Disease

Despite the intense feelings of loneliness and isolation I felt, research suggests that my story is far from unique. Maternal characteristics, including depression, anxiety, and insecurity, have all been shown to have associations with feeding problems in babies. Part of what made Sally’s reflux disease so difficult to deal with was the very real feeling that no one else, even the doctors who were meant to be helping her, understood what she was going through. She was severely congested, her breathing patterns were unpredictable and accompanied by visible chest retractions and she became more and more upset at feeding times as her aversion worsened.

I wanted to scream when I mentioned our struggles to friends and family who asked ‘oh, my baby had reflux too, are you holding her upright after feeds?’ and ‘are you sure that you’re burping her well enough?’ But you know what? I could just about cope with that, because I knew their questions were well intentioned, and how could I expect them to know how bad it really was? This was just another one of the isolating aspects of being a Mom to a baby with reflux disease--the feeling that no one could relate to what we were going through.

What was even harder to accept was hearing the people who were responsible for her medical care insist ‘nothing more can be done, you just need to wait it out.’

How can you be expected to ‘wait out’ something that is having such a negative impact on all aspects of your baby’s life, and on your own?

Reflecting on Reflux

It has been over three years since I first heard the word ‘reflux’ in relation to my daughter. In that time, we’ve been through hell and back. It took until she was nearly six months old to find a medical team who understood just how serious Sally’s reflux was and how to treat it effectively. I found a psychiatrist who specialized in maternal mental health and restarted an SSRI medication. As symptoms disappeared - Sally's and mine- and she began to enjoy eating once again I felt the dark cloud that had been hanging over our family begin to lift. She started to thrive and I felt like I was finally able to get to know the wonderful small person I had helped create.

I am privileged to be living in a time where maternal mental health is talked about openly and honestly, and yet I still find reflecting on these feelings incredibly difficult. Although Sally has been reflux and medication free for more than two years now, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about that time. I recently spent some time moderating a support group for parents of babies with reflux. The experience highlighted the ways that reflux and feeding aversion can impact entire families. I lost track of how many times a Mom told me she’d changed her mind about having more children after going through this. I’ll never forget the couple who were on the verge of divorce because they disagreed about whether or not their baby needed medication. And to this day- even though Sally is now objectively a great eater (well, for a toddler) and growing and gaining well, I still find family meal times a source of anxiety and worry.

My mental health was inextricably linked to Sally’s physical well being and as one worsened so did the other. I spent every second of her life with her and I could see that she was in real pain, but it felt like no one else could. The sad reality is that I know am not alone. Feelings of anxiety, fear, resentment, guilt and shame are what I remember most about the newborn period and even though we are all much happier now, I still have to live with the knowledge that the first six months of my daughter’s life were also the darkest of mine.

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thatbadadvice · 3 years

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Help! I Can't Afford Not To Destroy My Cleaning Lady's Life

Dear Prudence, Slate, 20 September 2021:

Q. Collections department: A few years ago, I hired a cleaning lady. She had a small business, with a few employees working for her. I’d prepay her in batches, and on occasion she’d ask for additional funds due to something unexpected, but she’d always work it off. Then the pandemic hit. Her staff abandoned her, and she had become too unwell to clean herself, so she closed her business, with $1,200 of prepayments from me. I told her back in January she’d need to pay me back, since she could no longer clean, but I wasn’t in a hurry for the money and knocked the repayment down to $1,000. I’d asked her to send me $100 payments and wanted it paid off by the end of the year.

So far, I have only received $500 back and have had to hound her. She comes back with sob stories of getting fired from various delivery and driver services and saying she doesn’t have any money, after agreeing to pay me when she gets her monthly Social Security deposit. This month, after not receiving a payment in August, I have tried contacting her, and this time no answer. I’m tired of hounding her and could live without the cash, but I can’t live with the resentment of getting taken advantage of by her. I have three choices: Let it go, continue to hound her, or give her an ultimatum that I need to be fully paid back by the end of the year, or I’ll take her to court. I feel like I’m working for my money all over again. What should I do?

Dear Collections Department,

The last 18 months have been incredibly difficult; we are living (well, some of us) through an unprecedented global pandemic that has absolutely decimated supply chains and entire industries, forced parents to make terrible no-win decisions about raising and schooling their children, and separated families across the globe. Many of us have lost and will continue to lose friends and loved ones. Others are economically destitute, forced to work long hours for dying wages in a country with a cruel fucking sham of a social safety net.

And then, of course, there's you — COVID's number-one victim. Sure, Zoom funerals suck, but how about some of these entitled chucklefucks try going a year wiping down their own countertops! Wah-wah-wah, you haven't met your grandchildren? Boo-hoo, you had to put off important medical treatments because you didn't want to risk dying alone on a ventilator in the ICU? Bleat about devastating isolation-induced depression all you want, the real issue is that it's been 18 months since somebody came by to personally clean up your filthy shit.

This cleaning lady ~ claims ~ that a deadly airborne pandemic impeded her and her staff's ability to freely enter peoples' homes to spend time indoors with strangers at length. Pretty improbable, if you ask me! I mean, any rube could have smelled that pile of horse manure from a mile away! Here your cleaning lady is, living the life of Riley on a monthly Social Security stipend that likely extends into the high tens of dollars, withholding from you a king's ransom that could be put to good use for any number of things — lining your purebred hamster's cage, wiping your ass, being set on fire and launched into the sun for shits and giggles. The possibilities are endless, except for the possibility that you just let this fucking woman whose whole life has fallen apart just have five hundred goddamned dollars that you wouldn't even look twice at if it grew fucking legs, put on a trench coat, and started blasting Peter Gabriel on a boombox outside your window.

Poor people are poor on purpose and because of their moral failings, whereas people who would literally never miss $500 but who threaten to take a struggling woman to court to ensure she pays off a meaningless debt at the lowest point in her life and career are good and worthy! It is your cleaning lady who must be taught a lesson about the value of money, and what better instructor than you, a person who deserves all that comes to them in this life, and hopefully also in the next.

#advice #bad advice #dear prudence #covid #pandemic #coronavirus #eat the rich

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furiousgoldfish · 3 years

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I don’t really know if my experience was abusive or not…. My home life was kinda all over the place growing up. My mum was initially a single mom but got married and had another child when I was 7. I sorta got pushed to the side at that point. My mum was busy with my younger sister and step-dad worked in camps for weeks on and weeks off, but even then I never really liked him that much. I learned how to get my own food, tuck myself into bed, entertain myself very quickly. I have a fear of showing pain or injury now because when I got hurt when I was younger I was often scolded and made to feel it was my fault. Got bit by the dog? Well what was I doing!? I shouldn’t have done that!! My little sister had an ear infection and was scolded (ie yelled at) because she didn’t say anything earlier and it was the weekend now and they can’t do anything about it (walk in clinics closed).

Growing up, my mother was always very strict about friends and play dates because they were apparently a lot of work. A friend would ask if I could come over after school and I would be so terrified to ask my mother I would near cry. I would ask and get scolded because “we don’t have time for that” or it’s “too last minute.” And I was always a very quiet child so I never pushed back, I just gave in and told her she was right.

When I expressed anxieties, or that I was really stressed and it was making me feel unwell, it was often ignored or flipped so that it was something I was doing wrong. And maybe they were right?

I would say I’m scared to do something or that something stresses me out and my step father would tell me to get over it because it’s life. When I had to change my diet for health reasons, he would say he checked packages that they were okay, but he didn’t and then I would feel unwell, and he wouldn’t believe me.

Basically, my parents were either not existing in my life, yelling at me for being hurt or being mad because something was going to cost money (and making me feel reallllyyyyy bad about it which has resulted in it being very hard for me to ask for things I needed), my parents also argue a lot, which always seriously stressed me out. Also a lot a lot a lot of shame about wasting from my step dad which has now led to me feeling sick to my stomach everytime something is slightly wasted, thrown out or not recycled.

But at the same time, as I got older I got Kinda closer to my mum?? But she was still very strict on friends and I knew that if I let her know most things that she would be mad, even though I was a textbook student. All this also paired with my grandmother’s constant dieting and telling me that I put on weight.., and patting my stomach. And then apologizing. And then when I try on clothes telling me I’m too too heavy… idk. I present a LOT of trauma symptoms, but I have lived a relatively blessed childhood.

Also probably important to note that I am suspected OCD or other anxiety disorder but undiagnosed.

Thank you for your blog and your time, both are incredibly helpful and I am very grateful.

That's really heartbreaking neglect, they couldn't even comfort you when you were in pain or injured, and you had to figure out everything yourself, like you had no parents at all. Yelling at children for being sick and injured is like kicking down someone who is asking you for help, it's despicable. I'm so sorry, that is absolutely abuse, and a serious case of neglect.

You were demanded to be a convenience and as little work as possible, to a great price for your childhood, you can't have a kid and then ask them to 'not be a lot of work' for you! It's not called work, it's raising your own kid! Besides, what kind of 'work' is a friend coming over, you have to say hi and maybe offer a snack? What kind of person considers that too much for their child's friendships?

Your parents are not right to blame and shame you for your anxiety and stress, they were supposed to help you feel better, comfort and reassure you, not make you feel worse and force you to doubt whether you're allowed to feel your feelings at all.

I'm so sorry for all they put you thru. It makes complete sense your stomach feels sick, that is so much violation and hate directed at you. You're more important than food. You're more important than your weight or whatever else they tried to make you feel horrible about. These people don't know you and have no right to comment on anything on you. They already hurt you enough.

I hope you get diagnosed and your struggles get a bit easier once you're sure of it and find more people you can relate to. Your childhood isn't blessed, it's already tainted with so much abuse, neglect, violation and hate, you have actual trauma symptoms. Trauma isn't a small issue that can be brushed aside. Your story is painful and it's not fair for you to have to live thru that.

And also, thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them.

#ask #furiousgoldfish #neglect #abuse #victim shaming #berating victims #child abuse #mental illness #this is the last ask #all are answered now

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amor-immortalem · 3 years

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Can I Stay Up Here With You Forever? Ch.7

Warning(s): nothing really, this chapter is pretty tame really.

If you want to be tagged please let me know or if you're already tagged and wish to not be just let me know

taglist: @mediocredetective @it-hurts-when-i-blink @ima-simp-uwu

The click-clacking of heeled shoes reverberates through the halls as the Avatar of Lust nears Diavolo’s office. With rapid frantic knocks on the door. It swings open to reveal the Demon’s butler, Barbatos.

“Asmodeus, what can I do for you?” The green-haired demon asks as he studies the other.

“I came to request an emergency audience with Lord Diavolo. Please, it's really important. He’s the only one who can help.” Asmo is out of breath from the speed at which they ran to get here, shaken in the way they talk.

“First, why don’t you come in and we’ll talk.” Barbatos offers. “I’ve prepared some tea and backed good. The young lord is in a very important meeting with a group of witches but once he’s done, you can speak with him at length about whatever this emergency is.”

Asmo nods as they do their best to compose themselves just a little bit.

--------------------------------------------

“So what is all this about?” The future demon king asks as he sits across from the Avatar of Lust, “It must be incredibly important considering you’re currently skipping class.”

“It’s Lucifer. He’s gone mad- off the deep end with his latest punishment.” The fifth-born says, “Ever since he brought Mammon back from the human world, things have rough at home. It’s like Lucifer is holding him hostage, controlling who Mammon does and doesn’t interact with. He’s been trying to convince our brother of things that aren’t true and its working. It’s like we’ve lost the person our oldest brother used to be and I’m scared he may never go back to the Lucifer we all love and respect.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we all knew Mammon wasn’t happy with us and that’s why he wasn’t ever going to come back from the human world- understandable since you know how we all treat him like a scapegoat for our stress and frustrations. And when he came home, we all tried to show him we were really going to change our ways this time- that we were honestly sorry for the things we’ve done. He’s said multiple times that he no longer considered the House of Lamentation his home and that he wants to go back to the place where he feels loved- to the place he thinks he belongs. Every time... Every time he’s said that, Lucifer has been there to tell him that he’s only imagining that he’s not loved here, that the Devildom is the only place he belongs. But I know that’s not true. You can belong in multiple places at once. And then things started slowly getting worse. Mammon is never out of Lucifer’s sight for long and when Lucifer can be there to loom over him, he has his peacocks follow Mammon around everywhere so he can’t find some way to get back to the human world and Arella.

Whenever Mammon tries to get Lucifer to get off his back for even just a few minutes, he tells Mammon that he’s crazy and Lucifer or his familiars were never in the area to begin with. He’s convincing our brother that he’s unwell in the head and delusional. Do you know Lucifer had Arella’s D.D.D. disconnected so she can’t even get in contact with any of us let alone Mammon. What’s worse, Arella has been writing letters to Mammon to check up on him. She sends them back with Solomon every time he comes back from the mortal realm, but Lucifer takes those letters and burns them before Mammon can even get a look at them. And just today, right before class, Lucifer was gaslighting Mammon into believing that Arella was only trying to isolate him from us, that she was putting ideas in his head, that she was just using him for her own benefit- that she never loved him to begin with and the only people he needed in his life was us. I... I think it worked.”

Diavolo’s honey-colored eyes widened at the words tumbling out of Asmo’s mouth. “Where are they now?”

“Lucifer took Mammon home to rest. He looked so upset by what Lucifer said that he looked like he was five seconds away from a breakdown. Please, I’m begging you to step in and help us get our oldest brother back to the way he was before. And Mammon... he needs to get back to Arella... she’s... expecting.”

“Really now?” The prince is genuinely shocked at this turn of events. “How far along?”

“She’s five- nearly six- months now. I saw her a few weeks ago and she seems to be healthy but half-demons are so rare who knows what’ll happen if he doesn’t get back to her soon.”

Diavolo nods at this. Things were indeed dire at this point. “Here’s what we’ll do. You and Solomon are going to take Mammon on a trip- let's say to a spa and resort. If you don’t feel safe going just the three of you, take another one or two of your brothers along with you. It’ll all be a ruse, however. You’ll all head to the human world to visit Arella and then you’ll bring her back with you after the baby is born.” He looks toward his trusty butler and longtime companion. “Barbatos, I would like you to look for suitable housing for the two of them. Don’t worry about the cost.”

“As you wish, my Lord.”

“I myself will have a talk with Lucifer and see why he changed so suddenly and what we can do to reach a compromise of sorts. There must be a reason behind all of this.

--------------------------------------------

He just wants to be left alone tonight- to have some time for himself to grieve the loss of what he thought was true love. He nuzzled into his pillow; lapis-like eyes squeezed tight as he held a sheep plushie close to his chest. He didn’t want to believe what Lucifer had said earlier at school but what was he supposed to think? The Avatar of Pride was truthful in his statement that he had never lied to him unless it was to protect him and their brothers. And Arella hadn’t even tried to call him or summon him back so it felt like Lucifer’s words must’ve been the truth.

He could just faintly hear the door open and close softly before there was a weight on his bed right behind him. Mammon knew the smell of that perfume anywhere. It was Asmo.

“Hey, Mams,” the Avatar of Lust rubs their brother’s shoulder soothingly only pulling away when he cried, the touch reminding him of the human he missed so much. “What’s wrong?”

“I miss ‘er... I miss ‘er so much but... she was just usin’ me all this time... she... never loved me like I thought she did.”

“Mammon, no. No, that’s not true at all. Arella misses you just as much as you miss her. You know those letters that Solomon tries to give you- the ones Lucifer burns on sight?”

The Avatar of Greed nods in response.

“They’re filled with questions about your well-being. How you’re doing, if you’ve gotten to do anything new or fun, if you’re safe or hurt, how much she loves and cares for you, and how she hopes she can see you again someday once all this blows over. There was something she wanted to tell you the day you were brought back here.”

“What was it?” The white-haired demon asks as he turned his head to his little brother.

“She’s having a baby. You’re going to be a father.”

“What?! Yer not pulling my leg, are ya?”

“No, no I’m not. Congratulations.” The strawberry-blonde-haired demon smiles brightly. “Also, I talked to Lord Diavolo earlier and he came up with a plan to help you sneak up to the human world so you can be with her until the baby is born.”

“Wha- why?”

“Because aside from Lucifer, the rest of us agree that you deserve to be happy- even if you can’t find that happiness with us anymore. We all know you’re miserable down here and I know we’ve all done things to you in the past that were undeserved and we just want to make up for that because we love you.”

“What happens after that? Asmo, I’m not leaving Arella or our baby. I can’t.”

“I know. We’re going to bring them back with us and the you guys will live somewhere else besides the House of Lamentation- you're going to need the space after all.”

“But what about Arella’s job in the human world- she loves it an’ I can’t force ‘er ta leave it behind. It’s not fair.”

“She loves you more though. Just trust me, ‘kay? Everything will work out in the end.”

Mammon only nods as Asmo leans in to whisper in his ear and fill him in on their plan.

--------------------------------------------

Find more on my Masterlist

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me swd #obey me! shall we date?#obey me angst #obey me fluff #obey me mammon #mammon angst #mammon fluff #obey me oc #arella #obey me barbatos #obey me diavolo #obey me asmodeus

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myhoneststudyblr · 4 years

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every single student in the world has likely procrastinated at some point - i know i definitely have! sometimes i think it can be quite helpful because means that you don't spend every minute of every day studying... but on the other hand, it can become very hard to beat. there are so many advice posts in the community on this topic but i thought that i would share my own tips!

disclaimer: everyone studies differently and these are my personal tips. they may not work for you but they can be a good starting point

What is Procrastination?

i found this little summary of procrastinating on the internet and thought it completely covered everything that i wanted to say on this point:

Procrastination is the habit of delaying an important task, usually by focusing on less urgent, more enjoyable, and easier activities instead. It is different from laziness, which is the unwillingness to act.

Procrastination can restrict your potential and undermine your career. It can also disrupt teamwork, reduce morale, and even lead to depression and job loss. So, it's crucial to take proactive steps to prevent it.

The first step to overcoming procrastination is to recognize that you're doing it. Then, identify the reasons behind your behavior and use appropriate strategies to manage and overcome it.

- How to Stop Procrastinating by Mindtools

so what is learnt from this is that:

procrastination is not being lazy

it is avoiding tasks by doing other easier tasks

it can have negative effects

you need to proactively take steps to avoid it

first, recognise the procrastinating then use strategies to break the cycle

Conventional Tips

these are the basic tips that are some of the most well-known strategies for ending procrastination and can be some of the most important steps!

1. get organised. tidy up your desk to study space because there is nothing worse than having to work in a place that is chaotic and mess. collect the information you need for the task, for example, notes you've made or a textbook.

2. to-do lists are your friend. a lot of people (including me) really struggle with timetables for studying because it can seem really structured and there is no flexibility or real allowance for things that may crop up during the day (your food takes longer to cook, you have to unexpectedly do a task around the house, you get a really bad headache and need to take a break). in my opinion, to-do lists help solve this problem! you can clearly see the tasks that you want to get done for the day but you don't have stressful time constraints. personally, i always use todoist to keep track of everything. to-do lists also make it easier to break tasks down

3. break the task down. one of the biggest cause of procrastination is having a huge task or project ahead of you because it seems really daunting and where on earth are you even going to start? so break it down *completely*. in your to-do list, don't just write ‘german homework’, write down even task that you need to do within it and be specific: for example ‘pg. 11 ex 4a, 4b and 4c’, ‘textbook listening task on pg. 47′ and ‘250-word essay on social media in Germany’. breaking it down makes the tasks seem more attainable and when you’ve done one and you can cross it off your list, it gives you a boost to keep going

4. eliminate distractions. this is a big one. even if you do all of the above, if you are constantly being distracted by things, you aren't going to get much done. try to find a place that is quiet enough that you can focus and you feel comfortable studying in. as well as this you need to think about what to do with your phone as the likelihood is that this will be the most distracting thing. you can simply turn it off, put on do not disturb, leave it in another room or use and app like forest (that last one is what i use and i don't know where i would be without it!)

5. use incentives. finishing a task is an achievement so treat it like one! before you study, decide on something that you will give yourself as a reward for doing it. this may be watching that new episode of your favourite programme or a tasty snack!

6. set timers. don't just launch yourself into a task, because that again can make it seem daunting and feel unending. rather, set a timer for a specific time because you’ll know that you just need to focus for that specific length of time and then you can go take a break and do something nice. for timing your study sessions, you could use the Pomodoro technique

7. allow for breaks (but try to avoid long ones). you are not a machine and as much as it would be great to be able to, you cant study for hours on end without giving your mind a break from focusing. so schedule in break time for yourself, particularly for times that you know your motivation dips, and do something nice. but be very careful that you don't accidentally slip back into procrastinating habits and keep breaks short. unless you are very disciplined it is unlikely that an hour-long break will stay just an hour.

8. know how you study but don’t be afraid to mix it up. everyone studies differently and so there are going to be some study methods that work better for some than others. so try to make sure that you are studying smart and that you aren't wasting your own time cause that can be incredibly unmotivating. HOWEVER, if there is anything that I’ve learnt from online school its that doing the same task all the time, every day is mind-numbingly boring and you just want to do anything else. so try to switch up what you are doing. if you usually just type notes from the textbook, maybe try doing it in a mindmap one week, or on flashcards, maybe do some practise questions to keep your mind engaged.

9. play music. now this one really depends on the person and how you study. some people need absolute silence and that is fine, but others need something to fill the silence or maybe cover up background noise (for example if you live in a busy household). try to pick music however that is not going to distract you - the key tips for this is to pick music without lyrics. this can be classical music, video game music, or general ‘chill’ music (there are so many playlists out there for chill studying music). i personally listen to Francesco Parrino religiously while studying because he does piano covers of pop songs, so i know the songs and enjoy them but there are no lyrics that can distract me

10. stay hydrated, well-rested and not hungry. this is part of eliminating distractions because if you are thirsty, you are going to be thinking about how you want a drink; if you are tired, you are going to be thinking about how tired you are; if you are hungry, you are going to be thinking about what you want for lunch or whatever. make sure you are hydrated, well-rested and not hungry so you can focus solely on your task or work.

Unconventional Tips

these are some slightly more unusual tips that you might not have seen before but that I've nevertheless found very useful!

1. video yourself or do a timelapse. this is something that I’ve only recently done because i saw a tip on this from someone during my quarantine challenge and thought that it would be cool to do. and it really works! i did it twice once when i was typing notes and a second time when i was handwriting notes and it really made me focus on what is as doing because the video put some pressure on me to look like i was properly studying - i could take a 5-minute break in the middle of my work to mess around with my pen, I just had to keep going so it really forces you to do the work. also watching the video when i was done made me really proud cause i had visual proof of how much i completed!

2. accept that some days you are going to get very little done. this may seem a little bit odd to put on a post that is meant to avoid getting nothing done but it’s actually a very important thing to remember. sometimes you need to take days off because otherwise you are going to burnout and some days you are just not going to be in the right mindset for studying because maybe you are exhausted after a big exam, or you have a headache or you feel unwell. you just need to accept it, draw a line under it, take time for yourself, and resolve yourself to work tomorrow once you feel a bit better. there is no shame in taking time to make sure you stay healthy. if you can, try to get your quickest, easiest task done so you have some sense of accomplishment.

3. ‘churn it out and f**k off’. this was my mum’s motto when she was studying and working in academia. and she recently told it to me when i was getting stressed about all the big tasks during online school. i am a perfectionist and i always want to hand in my very best work, put 100% into everything, but honestly that is impossible. some days you just need to get stuff done and if that isn't your very best then it doesn't matter too much because at least you got it done. and once you get it done you can just forget about it.

4. ask a friend or parent to check up on you. when you are studying by yourself it can be hard to motivate yourself because you know that no ones actually going to check whether you made those votes or did the reading, so ask a friend or someone you live with to check whether you've done the work or get them to read essays. you then get an external reason to study or do your tasks because you need to show them something.

5. rephrase how you think of tasks. when you think that ‘you need to do this task’ or ‘you have to get this done’, a lot of the time this causes unneeded stress and anxiety that is not going to help you at all. also it makes it seem like you are being forced to do something and human beings generally don't act great when they are forced to do something. so try to change your language when thinking about task into one that is more forgiving such as ‘i choose to do this project so that i can go meet my friends tomorrow’ and ‘i choose to read this book now because it will help me in the lecture next week’. this is probably the most difficult strategy on this list and it will take a lot of practice (i am certainly still practising it) but in the long term, it can help you change the way in which you view studying for the better.

✨✨✨

i hope this was helpful and that these tips will be useful, and perhaps you've discovered some new ones! if anyone has anything to add please feel free to reply or reblog with the advice <3

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cybernaght · 3 years

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The Rebel/叛逆者: A Review of Sorts

After being only semi-invested in the Rebel, I ended up getting so into it in the final weeks of its release, I’ve shelled out on IQIYI premium just to get the final couple of episodes a few days earlier.

That’s right kids, it’s a Review of Sorts. Unfortunately, I could not find a translation of the novella the drama is based on, so will be looking at it as a separate entity.

Most of this post is spoiler-free, however I have dedicated a few paragraphs at the end of it to discussing the final episode, as there are a few specific things about it I wanted to mention. There is a clear spoiler warning before that part.

If you don’t want to risk it, TL;DR version of this review goes something like this: Rebel is very decent, and positively one of the best things that I have seen to come out of China since I’ve jumped into that particular rabbit hole. It’s pretty well written, it’s very beautifully dressed and shot, and the cast is killing it. I thought it dropped the ball a little in post production, and I did not always love the pacing. Other than that, it’s incredibly decent, and well worth watching, unless communist propaganda really irks you, in which case stay very well away.

I have been having many conversations with @supernovasimplicity all the way through watching this drama, so there are likely to be some thoughts here that are influenced by those.

The story centers around Lin Nansheng, a struggling servicemen in the Guomingdang party. He has a great analytical mind, and absolutely no emotional capacity for his job. He has trouble handling violence, he is impulsive, he cannot speak to his superiors without bursting into tears, and has nothing even remotely resembling a poker face. And that is what makes this drama as enjoyable as it is.

I don’t think Lin Nansheng’s journey would have been nearly as exciting had he started it from a place of competence. He botches up everything he touches because his big brain switches off the moment his emotions kick in. And so, when you see him grow in confidence, learn to control himself, learn to fake his smiles and compliments, you can’t help but feel a strange sense of pride. It also makes Lin Nansheng very likeable as a character for reasons other than Zhu Yilong’s ability to look like a bush baby.

It did take me a while to feel fully engaged with his performance - not because there is anything lacking in it, but just because it’s hard to be truly surprised by his choices after the exposure I have given myself to his work. That said, at about a half-way point I got charmed by him anyway, and there were quite a few scenes that were truly mesmerising. There were scenes where he broke out of the familiar mould of big unguarded eyes and fluttering wet eyelashes, and tried something that was not pretty: every time to a great success. I am hoping to see more of that in his future work.

I really wanted to like the female lead, Zhu Yizhen, but unfortunately both the way she was written and the way she was performed by Tong Yao left me somewhat cold. It did not help of course that the screenplay ended up sidelining her at every turn, leaving her with very little personal agency. She was set up so interestingly, but in the end her sole purpose became being someone for Lin Nansheng to pine over. It is particularly curious from a perspective of meta storytelling: seeing how this is all centered around superiority of communism, which as a whole was, arguably, ahead of its time in the matters of binary gender equality.

The ensemble cast of the drama is stunning. Wang Yang came very close to stealing the show at several points as Chen Moqun, somehow managing to make his rather unlikeable character interesting. I can say the same thing about Zhu Zhu who absolutely shined as Lin Xinjie, showing an incredible range and imagination in her performance.

The overarching story of the show is engaging, with some incredibly suspenseful elements; every narrative arc including a nice progression through it. As spy thrillers go, it was fairly well plotted. You could if you go looking for a few things that did not pay off in a satisfying way (notably, the Chekhov’s cyanide capsule), but you overall the story really was well told for the most of it.

I did, however, feel like the pacing started to fall apart in the last quarter of the drama. Last episode in particular really did feel rushed, not just due to its pace, but also in a way it failed to pay off the final mission in any visible way. There will be more on that in the spoiler section of this post.

Important to note that The Rebel is a show made in Communist China in the year 2021. It does not ideologically side-step from the path that was laid out for it by that fact. Which is to say, it is, undeniably, filled with propaganda. Communists are the good guys, and if you think a good guy (or gal) is not a communist, they probably secretly are. With one exception of a friendly character who is not a communist, and whose fate we actually never find out. Curious, that.

The Rebel is not a kind of a show where censorship-appeasing scenes are shoehorned in. It’s a kind of a show in which the main theme is Sacrifice For the Party.

Aside from the being the moral vector of the show, Mao’s gentle teachings explicitly help get Ling Nansheng out of prolonged depression following his injury, and almost annoyingly, this sat incredibly well with the character, as he was written. Lin Nansheng is conceived as this naive idealist who wants to be on the front line, who needs validation and support of others. His - and I can’t believe I’m saying this - his being disillusioned in his beliefs and choosing to join a party which includes people whom he likes and trusts makes sense. Him finding this one thing that gives him hope and letting it propel him into gaining confidence and competence makes sense.

In many ways, the Rebel is a story of Lin Nansheng’s failure to become an antagonist within the world of the drama.

I have honestly spent this past couple of weeks pondering whether being well written makes political propaganda better or worse, whether the subtlety of it makes it more or less palatable, whether it’s enough, as a viewer, to be aware of it to shrug it off. Ultimately, this is not something I could or should make moral judgements on, but I do believe that it’s possible to acknowledge the fact that propaganda exists in the drama, and still appreciate it for a good piece of television that it is.

That said, I am very well aware that me being kind of okay with it stems entirely from my own removal from the culture this is made in, and I am, perhaps, lucky to even have a choice as to whether I want to engage with a product which is, undoubtably, here to dress political ideology in fancy clothes.

I have, on the other hand, also seen many things in Russian media of the “Annexation of Crimea is Good Actually” variety and those make me feel very unwell, so feeling somewhat at ease with blatant political propaganda in Chinese media makes me the biggest hypocrite.

But, I digress.

Before we go into some specific plot-related things, I would like to mention that the Rebel has this weird dichotomy in which the production is sublime, and the post-production… not so much. The show very well shot. Every element of it sits perfectly together, not a single prop out of place, not a single extra underdressed, not a page of script not put to good use. It’s lit to perfection. It’s scored beautifully. So much of this show is just stunning.

And then… there is post-production.

This is not even about bad CGI (and the CGI is, indeed, bad), it’s just that most of post-production as a whole feels rushed.

Starting with surprisingly imperfect editing, which at times just fails to make the scene flow together. The final line of dialogue would be spoken within a scene, and it would fade to black instantly without a single breath to indicate a full stop. A montage sequence would be created, but every shot within it condensed to a second, making it feel incredibly fast-paced when the effect should be the opposite. There would be a cut away from a speaking character and to the same speaking character from a slightly different angle, making it dynamic without any reason to do so. There are a couple of truly startling jump-cuts.

I did not speed this gif up. This is part of a romantic montage, edited like it’s a goddamn action sequence.

And of course dear old friend slowing down footage shot at 24FPS. Please don’t do this. You think no one notices - but we do.

There are other tell-tale signs of production rushing to the finish line: occasional, but very noticeable ADR glitches, very sloppy job done at sound mixing, which contribute to parts of the show feeling ever so slightly off.

It’s not unforgivable, but it does make me wish the same amount of care and efforts that went into shooting this drama would also go into it after it was all in the can.

Oh, and just because if you know me you know I have a professional fixation on fights, and I am happy to say most action scenes are toe-curlingly delightful. Hot damn those fights are good. I am absolutely in love with the shot below, for example. Placing an actor behind a piece of set so he can exchange places with the stunt double during a one shot is such an old trick, but the execution, timing and camerawork are just... flawless. This is what perfection looks like.

Now we got all that out of the way...

SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES FINALE BELOW

Here’s the thing. I wanted to love the ending and I found that I could not.

The final mission was presented as important, and honestly the scene in which Zhu Yizhen is sending the vital message out as Lin Nansheng holds his ground in hand to hand fight is incredibly dynamic. Party, this is due to the fight itself being incredibly well choreographed, yes, but it’s also where it sits within the narrative, how high the stakes are for everything surrounding it.

But then, the tension all but bleeds out. The Important Message is sent, the fight is won, and we are treated to ten minutes of a very slow car chase, problem of which is not even its speed as much as its placing within the story. As in, by this point both of those operatives have lost their cover, and completed their Very Important Mission. It would be very sad if they died, but their survival does not technically contribute to their cause. Moreover, Zhu Yizhen getting mortally injured in order to protect Lin Nansheng as part of her mission read a little empty when the mission is technically over.

While I personally found Lin Nansheng slow recuperation and his low key ending enjoyable, I think I would have preferred to have seen a more tangible pay-off to all the sacrifices made in the name of “bright communist future”, just a little more justification for every moment of death and despair we witnessed. I would have certainly at the very least preferred to see Wang Shi’an’s death on screen. Considering how many likeable characters martyred themselves on screen, denying us the death of the one antagonist just seemed cruel.

I really did love the ambiguity of the final few scenes however, if we consider the children choir at the end a fantasy. The idea that Lin Nansheng will live out his life in this hope that Zhu Yizhen is still alive, imagining her just outside of his field of vision, his only joy being in this fantasy of her… now, that is incredibly strong. I equally like the idea of rest being promised to him at the end of his journey, and said rest being painful, and slow and unwelcome.

But it felt like as they chose not to to lean into the “sweet” part of the bitter-sweet tone of the ending and we’re unable not commit to the “bitter” part either, so it lands with a splat which is somewhat lacklustre.

---

This concludes my thoughts on the Rebel.

I am more or less out of Zhu Yilong’s filmography to watch, which is probably a good thing at this point. I have just emerged out of several back to back work projects - literally today - and will hopefully once more have time for things I grew to enjoy doing during the lockdown.

Those things, if you have not guessed, include watching Chinese television and writing things about Chinese television.

#the rebel #叛逆者 #Zhu Yilong #review of sorts #now with gifs #chinese drama

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heymeowmao · 2 years

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2022.01.20 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321324727792066756703

It’s been almost half a month?

LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. Comment: You’ve been baiting us for half a month? LYN: I didn’t mean to. What am I doing, fishing? Baiting you for half a month... I’ve just been pretty busy lately, and the state of my body hasn’t been very good lately. I know I make fun of you guys for not being able to stay up all night but in actuality /I/ haven’t been able to stay up. I don’t know why but I just feel very sleepy. If I sleep it’s only for a short while, then I wake up and can’t fall back asleep. I’ve just got a little insomnia, but I can’t stay up (all night) anymore. Comment: You must have been thinking of us too much. LYN: Uh... You can think that, as long as you’re happy. LYN: I found out just now that some people are not sensible. I keep saying that I haven’t been in a good condition lately and you just don’t seem to care! There are some people showing their concern telling me to rest and take care of myself but to others it seems my condition doesn’t have anything to do with them. You’re making jokes instead! Fine, if I’m just a joke in your eyes then I’ll also joke around with you. I won’t say anything important anymore. LYN: There are people starting in the comments, telling me to care of myself. It’s too late! All of your concern is fake. I don’t buy it.

- /finds out his sound effects aren’t working (the laugh track); fixes it/

Comment: I can’t see the cartoon clearly. LYN: You don’t have a tv at home? Are you in my stream for the purpose of watching the cartoon? No. Aren't you here to see me?

Comment: The new song was a surprise. LYN: Are you talking about this one? /plays Fall in Love/ LYN: Not this one? Oh, you mean “虎啸春来 (Tiger Roars, Spring Comes)” from the animation 小虎墩大英雄 (Run Tiger, Run!). Because this year’s the year of the tiger, so when it comes out, you can go watch it in the theaters. If you have kids, you can bring them along. :)

Comment: Will you stream on the 30th? LYN: I’m not going to compete with Spring Night. [Lunar New Year is February 1] No matter how much you like watching my streams, I’m not about to go head-to-head with the broadcast company. I can’t handle it. You celebrate your new year and I’ll be celebrating in the drama crew. Comment: Give us red envelopes for the new year! LYN: I can’t do it. I took the money to buy something... consider it as me having spent it for you.

- /tells Daimi to go away bc she’s bothering him while he’s streaming :’(/ - /picks her up and puts her on his lap :)/ LYN: Some people have been asking me how she’s gotten so fat, like a little black pig. It’s because she eats well and she has a great home! She always eats canned food, doesn’t eat kibble.

Comment: Take you cap off so I can see you in your entirety. LYN: It’s because I haven’t cut my hair in a while so it doesn’t have any shape.

LYN: The last time I streamed there were moments where I was rather down/depressed and some fans were saying, “He’s not in a great condition. This stream is a little emo.” That is, a little “饿懵” (”è měng” : hungry to the point of senselessness) right? Just a little emo. They were suspecting I was sad because I don’t have much work lately. It’s fine- it shows they care about me and my work. I just happened to bring up some more depressing topics last time- you don’t need to worry about me. I was just feeling a little frustrated because... I have too much work. I want to go here and go there but... I can’t go at the same time. If I go to one, I lose out on the other. But~! You don’t need to worry about me not having any work, ok? I’m in my upswing right now, if I don’t have anything to do that would be incredible. Comment: See a doctor? LYN: It’s not that I’m /feeling/ unwell. I’ve been in this drama crew for two months now, but up until now they haven’t been filming my scenes. Lately I’ve also been recording and filming for new year’s things and my album and such, so that’s why you haven’t seen much of me. Comment: Come see me, I’ll diagnose you. LYN: There ARE a few doctors among my fans, but can we do an e-visit? Can you tell my condition by looking at me through the screen right now? Comment: You’re too pale. LYN: “Too pale” means I look weak right? It’s because the filter’s on too high. The beauty filter’s at max and the whitening feature is at 80%. Comment: The filters are on? I can’t tell. LYN: Then don’t look! Comment: No wonder your skin looks so nice. LYN: Yeah. It’s normal. This isn’t the first time you’re seeing me use these filters; there’s not one person out there who doesn’t use them. All the dramas you watch and the movies have filters. If there are no filters they will still touch-up the colors. Comment: Ning-ge are you uncomfortable because you’re pregnant? LYN: ?_? I saw this comment go by so many times. Are you mentally stable? I’m a man. Male, you hear? Even when you joke, there has to be a bottom line, ok? Don’t think of me as a woman- there are some people out there who do. I’m sure you can do it with other people, but I’m so rugged how can you imagine it? Tell me, does anyone gender-bend Zhang Fei? Tell me. I’m so-!! LYN: As an “Old Guy from Dongbei” I really can’t stand these types of things. You have your own happiness, go play by yourself. Don’t come here and make trouble. I was just fine but because of you I turned “è měng” (emo).

Comment: Look at that golden necklace! LYN: What golden necklace? These are... pearls! Each one of these pearls is about 75-85%... plastic. Very pure.

LYN: There are a lot of people who have started to like me nowadays! :D But there are some who come to see me and some who are watching my stream now, who are on the young side. I have a fan-club, but my club doesn’t accept minors. Yesterday there was someone who wanted to join my fan-club so the moderator asked them if they were an adult. They said, “Today is my eighteenth birthday. I am an adult today. I waited for this exact day to join; let me show you my ID.” I was moved. They waited until they were exactly 18 and the first thing they did was join my fan-club. How much must they love me, do you think? Comment: You won’t be moved about a 42 year old, though? LYN: What do you mean? Ah- because I said I was moved that this person waited until they were exactly 18 to like me, and some jiejie-s on the older side are thinking, “What do you mean, Xiao Ning? That means you won’t be moved if I’m 42??” Um... this is a double-edged sword. If I don’t answer correctly then my friends on the older side won’t be happy. Right? And if these 40+ year old jiejie-s have kids doing homework right now, they’re going to take their anger out on the kid and “work” them to death. It’s not worth it. Let me think of what I can say... LYN: Jiejie, you’re already 42? I think this is.. even MORE moving. Why? Because you [uses the polite form “您” ] are already 42 - actually, there’s not that much of an age difference here- but you must have experienced 42 years worth of life. You’ve seen everything there is to see in society- all kinds of people and all kinds of situations. But after all that you’ve seen, you still like me. This, I think, is extremely moving. I feel like I am no longer an ordinary person. Comment: A 52 year old Auntie. LYN: Don’t call yourself “auntie.” If you’re here and you‘re older than me, I’ll call you “jie” no matter what. There are no “aunties” here, only “sisters”. Comment: 75? LYN: Then of course that’s... EVEN more moving. Comment: 68? LYN: Age isn’t important. At least that’s how I comfort myself. Comment: I’m 14 and not worthy. LYN: It’s not that you’re not worthy, but rather you should be focusing on your studies right now, ok? Get out of my stream and look at your textbooks. Acquire knowledge- that’s the most important.

LYN: I saw the other day- I went to a small event- and there was someone saying if you contacted them, there would be an opportunity to take photos with Zhou Shen and Liu Yuning. And then! On the Liu Yuning side of it, a hug could be arranged. I don’t know if you saw that post or not. I was thinking to myself, “How much would a hug cost?” I was so curious. I was just wondering how much I could make if I sold hugs- that was my thought. No other intentions. There really were some people who replied and asked how much it would cost. The person replied, “8,000 RMB.” They could arrange it for just 8,000. I was thinking, “8,000 isn’t bad...” but I didn’t want the middleman to take a cut. If that were the case I would rather sell hugs directly from my stream. LYN: I’m kidding. Please don’t try to use this as hate-material. Anyway- on that night someone really did come to me asking for a photo. It’s not like I could refuse. I was so curious I asked them, “Did you spend any money?” Because I’m more of a direct person, and I saw that someone was selling me online, so I asked. She told me she didn’t spend any money- I don’t know if she was lying or not- but she also said she brought her daughter along, and the daughter took a pic with me. I didn’t mean anything by asking that question- I just don’t want you to spend money for a wish. LYN: Think about it though, if this happened to you, would you be upset? I take a picture with someone, but then someone ELSE makes the money. I’m the one who took the effort. It’s not a big effort to take a picture with someone, but just the thought of someone else using me to profit from it upsets me. Comment: How much (did they make)? LYN: I don’t know! But that one fan said she didn’t spend any money, so I was relieved. First- no one else made a profit. :) Secondly, I don’t want my fans to think they have to pay me to get a picture with me. Anyway, if you see any posts like that in the future, don’t fall for it. LYN: If you REALLY wanted a pic together... you can contact my studio. It’s better to discuss this matter in person because online communication can lead to leaks. XD Comment: Seriously? LYN: My goodness... you’ve watched my streams for nothing. [t/n: he always says only believe like... 50% of whatever he’s saying] LYN: Just listen for fun.

Comment: Where are you spending (lunar) new year’s? LYN: In Hengdian. I spent it in Hengdian last year, too with the drama crew. What with the pandemic and all- it’s better now, but it’s still advised not to run around. Last year was my first time spending the new year with a drama crew and I don’t remember if it was ZSX or YCY who told me- they asked me if I knew about the “rules of spending lunar new year in a crew.” There are rules? I have to wear red socks or underwear or something?? They said no, that the main leads have to give out red envelopes- for the lighting/sound/camera technicians. I said, “The two of YOU are the main leads. What do I have anything to do with it?” XD I’m just a supporting character. But they told me I should participate, and asked me how much money was appropriate. I’d never spend my new year in a drama crew before, how was I supposed to know!? If you give too much, your wallet would hurt. If you gave to little, the crew members would rather you not give anything. The three of us discussed it for a while and in the end still gave out some money. Honestly, if they hadn’t brought it up I would have saved a little. So this year... I’m not going to bring it up. I’ll pretend not to know. LYN: I’ve been thinking about this for the whole year. I spent your wish money (for hugs) /laughs/ Comment: How much did you give out? LYN: I gave out.. at the time, I gave.... what’s it to you? Are you going to reimburse me? Comment: 8k? LYN: Not that little. There were quite a few crew members. If you’re going to give red envelopes, you’d better not be picky/stingy with it. Let me think about how many hugs it was. 8k for a hug; let me see how many hugs I gave out... /pretends to count/ Forget it. It’s not important.

Comment: You’re trending. LYN: Am I, friends? Almost. I see two: “Liu Yuning Livestream” and “Liu Yuning “Run Tiger, Run!” Theme Song”. Only one of the two needs to make it. If one can become trending, then my year will be very happy. LYN: It’s okay, though. It’s hard to tell with trending topics. I’m not a very “hot” person, after all. See if we can make it, if not then at least we tried.

Comment: Will there be a chance to see you in a modern drama? LYN: Of course there will. A modern script came to find me a few says ago as well but we’ll have to see whether I can accommodate it or not. If I can’t, I’ll just do another guzhuang- it’s all the same. I don’t particularly see the need or want to do modern dramas because- /gestures at his face/ I’m always streaming and you always see me like this. So I’ll do guzhuang until I’m tired of it, and then move on to modern dramas. Comment: What number ML are you? LYN: If I go it’ll be 1ML. If I don’t go then it’ll be none of my business. LYN: There was a producer jiejie who advised me to take on a male lead role, because at this point I’ve already played 7 second-leads/supporting roles. It’s about time for me to try out a male lead. I’m a little more reserved, because I’m afraid that someone will put their trust in me to take on the male lead role and I can’t execute it to the best. It’s a lot of pressure. But she said I should try, so I’m thinking it over. I’m already so old, I should try one out before it’s too late.

LYN: I’ve grown a lot more critical of myself over the years. Not like before when I would say anything- I try to put a lot more thought into whatever I say so that random people can’t take my words and mince them and twist them into something bad. But those who want to hate me have no limits. I saw recently someone posted “How is Liu Yuning? I don’t know him very well but a lot of people around me are starting to watch his streams.” They asked the public, asking for their opinion of me. So I saw some comments on my character. LYN: The first type of answer went like this, “LYN is an intelligent person [derogatory].” What does that mean??? You could have just left it at “intelligent” what was the bracket for. There were comments supporting this, too. “LYN looks like he’s been through the societal wringer.” “Shows high emotional intelligence when speaking. Very smart.” This last one didn’t have anything brackets, but they got across what the other wanted to say. LYN: I just want to ask- I’m not saying I AM this type of person- but is knowing how to communicate or interact with people a bad thing? I don’t think so. Just because you are not the type of person to communicate/interact, doesn’t mean that people who do are bad. I heard a jiejie say something the other day that made a lot of sense. She said something along the lines of: “The world and technology is developing/progressing. People who use skills to survive may not get as far as someone who uses language to communicate.” I forgot exactly what she said but that’s the gist of it. Because no matter how good your technical skills are, one day technology can replace you. But those who use their minds and language to communicate may make it farther. I don’t think it’s absolutely correct but I do think it’s reasonable. Only person-to-person communication cannot be replaced by technology. It’s important to know how to speak. LYN: Actually I’m a really introverted person. I know if I say this a lot of people won’t believe me. Sometimes I say in my streams that privately I really don’t talk a lot and viewers have a big question mark running across their minds, like “How is THAT possible???” No one believes me, I don’t know why. WHY am I able to run my mouth during a stream? It’s because I know that at this moment I NEED to speak. I need to use my words, and I need to communicate with you sitting in front of your phone or computer, so that you can continue watching my content. This is because I know it’s something I have to do. At the same time, I can gain happiness. But this does not mean that I am like this in private. Do you understand? I’m really afraid of talking to people. I have low self-esteem- probably because of the way I grew up- and I’m afraid to communicate with words because I feel like I’m not as good as other people. But I’m thankful for my previous experiences- as a waiter, working in a bar- because they helped me practice how to use my words.

Comment: What happens if a customer wants to hit you? Get on your knees? LYN: :D Someone who can say that- you must never have worked in customer service before. It’s true that the customer is king but there’s never anything that will warrant kneeling to them. I would never. Comments: Run. // Hit them back. // Talk back and then call the police. // Your legs are long, if you can’t win then run. They can’t get you. // They can’t beat you death, hit back. // Avoid it. // Give them a flying kick. // Call the boss. LYN: As someone with many years of customer service, let me counter these arguments one by one. First of all, finding the boss- that’s the last option. Because if there’s ever a problem, the first person who sees and is able to resolve it is you. If you find the boss or manager, that means you’re not capable and you can’t solve the problem. That’s a strike against yourself, so finding the boss is out. Second- running away. Where are you going to run to?? Let me tell you how to handle this- let them hit you. If it were me I’d let them hit me, because as someone who works in customer service you have to satisfy the customer’s wishes. But I would try my best not to let them hit any vital areas. If they’re hitting with fists- let them hit. If they have an axe or chainsaw- then you run. That's another thing entirely. But normally in a restaurant there won’t be axes, hammers, or chainsaws, so if there are fists I’d let them hit. When they’re done I’ll stand there and ask, “Are you satisfied?” Ask them if they’re satisfied or not first, and if they aren’t let them continue to hit you. When they’re done the second time, and they are satisfied, you say “Ok.” Then call the police. Make them pay for damages and ask for a little more for medical. That’s how I would resolve it. Comment: What if they don’t pay up? LYN: Are you legally illiterate? If you hit someone you have to pay (by law). But I would never hit back. If I did then that’s “fighting one another”- a different thing- but I’d just let the other party hit and when I can’t bear it anymore I’ll lay down. Comment: They have no money. LYN: Whether they have or not is not my business. The law will punish them. LYN: How did we get to this topic?? - /gets back around to “(verbal) communication is key”; runs through scenarios of how break awkward silences and how to keep a conversation going/

LYN: Another group of people said, “LYN is not good enough/won’t make it.” “As someone internet-famous who went viral I think his basis is very low.” “I remember when The Long Ballad was airing there were rumors he wanted to snatch the male lead role from Wu Lei.” /sigh/ I just really want to know where you got this information. I just don’t understand from what angle they’re looking at, that makes ME fight with Wu Lei for the lead role. If we’re both main leads it’s worth a short but what is a supporting character doing fighting for main lead? I don’t understand where this comes from- you have to have some reason to back up your claims. Make it even the least bit believable. [..] You can hate me, just not with made up nonsense. Then there were the sheeple who saw this and believed it right away. It just doesn’t make sense. LYN: I saw another post hating on me- when I opened the comments it was all of my fans @ -ing me, and hoping that I’d come on to stream to set things straight. Are you crazy? This person’s stirring the pot and you don’t report them but egg them on instead??? My fans are so puzzling. LYN: There was a video version and a text version, and the article goes like this: “Panda-Eyed Male Star” LOL. What I’m saying right now is not my own words; I’m not trying to hate on anyone or my friends. The article read: “Panda-Eyed Male Star” recently rejected a drama- a double male-lead drama- because the other male lead is liked by a rich woman who wanted “Panda” to guide this other artist. The rich woman is currently pursuing this male artist. The two families (rich woman and “panda” are long-time friends- this is like a multi-generational thing. Like, this conglomerate and that conglomerate are “close friends.” But in the end “Panda” rejected the role, and didn’t honor their relationship. The descriptor for the other male star in question is that he went from internet famous to singer, and has very long legs. Think about these clues. Viral - Singer - Tall -Very Long Legs - also Acts. Think about this and tell me who you think of. Think about it! If you can come up with a second name, that this counts as me giving hate to the author of this article. LYN: I know a lot of people watching now aren’t my fans and are probably just passing by but they know about the entertainment industry to some extent- think about it. Who can this article be referring to? The only person who meets these requirements is me. I started thinking about who this “Panda-Eyed Male Star” was... and the only person in my friend circle who's maybe a little more “panda” would probably be HZT. The more I thought about it, the more it fit. - starts explaining the video version, which describes a “Man who Returned to the Country (China) and Likes to Draw Eyeliner.” [HZT: debuted in Korea with EXO, later returned to China. Likes to wear eyeliner.] /finds the video and plays it./ LYN: I just want to say- you can hate me all you want, but come at me alone. Don’t give my friends nicknames, alright? I really hate it when people do that. It’s quite disrespectful. You can disrespect me, but I draw the line at disrespecting my friends. Got it? LYN: But- what did I want to say... What’s this drama called?? I want to go. Really. Because this article is saying that the other male lead did not agree. I might know him, let me ask around and see if I can get him to agree to the drama. He may not honor his relationship with the rich woman, but he might agree for my sake. Alright? I want to be in this drama, but I don’t know what drama it is. Comment: Didn’t the two of you talk about it in that other stream? LYN: Yeah. As for who the “rich woman” is, I don’t know but I want to. If there really is such a capable woman out there can we get to know one another? We can meet formally instead of through this third-party video. She can introduce me to “panda”- to male artists who can guide me. LYN: Truly incredible. If I really had the resources to do this and “explode” then you’d have something to talk about. But currently I’m only just getting by and you’re making this type of stuff up? /sigh/ My head’s gonna explode. I saw it and thought it was ridiculous. How do people think of these things? Comment: Lao-da, don’t be mad. In the future I’m sure a rich woman will like you. LYN: !! I’m not angry because no rich women like me! >.< Don’t get it wrong! You’re making it seem like I really want some rich woman to like me so I can reap the benefits of her resources. That’s not the case. I was angry because people are making up nicknames for my friends. LYN: But really, after I saw this I started suspecting (it was true). HZT called me once and told me about a double male-lead drama he wanted me to act in with him. I was surprised he would look for me out of the blue like that. But now that I’ve seen that article I think I cracked the case. Was it that some rich woman got in contact with him? They’re old family friends? So he came to find me? Is that how it is?? But I really have no clue who this “rich woman” might be. Comment: Get HZT in the stream, quick. LYN: He’s filming recently. But the article said that he rejected the offer- he didn’t WANT to carry the viral star. Let’s break it down... either way one of them is lying. Either the article or HZT. Comment: What if both of them are lying? LYN: They’re both lying, but the “rich woman” is real right? Anyway- in the future please write some more reliable information. We’re all human. Keep your wits. Be kind.

LYN: People in this industry are strange. My friend sent me a photo of someone the other day, asking if I knew the person. I didn’t. They said they were in a meeting with this person and the topic got around to me. The person in the photo said I was really fake, didn’t respect the drama crew, and can’t act. They said a lot of bad things about me. I was surprised, because when I go out I don’t expect to make any money but I make sure that I leave a good impression. I asked what this person did (for a living); my friend said that this person was a producer for some drama. I asked if I had ever communicated with this person before and the result was unclear. - lyn asked his friend for that person’s name and now is looking around trying to find them LYN: I don’t want to do anything to them. I just want to ask them face-to-face why they’re saying such things about me. I don’t want the positive word-of-mouth about me to be ruined by this person. The only reason I got this far is because of my good reputation. So recently I’ve been looking to grab this person, just to set things straight and maybe ask if they have some sort of grudge against me. There are people like this in this industry- people who don’t know you at all but pretend to know you really well. This is just like- I don’t know who they are, but a lot of people use my name so that they can sell strawberries. LYN: I had a friend from Dandong say that the strawberries were ready, and that they would send some to me. I was happy at the time, so thanked them and gave my address. They turned around to sell it like, “Look! Even LYN is buying these strawberries. What are you waiting for??” “Do you want to eat the same strawberries as LYN? Place an order now! :D” LYN: I think I probably won’t talk to this person again... - /gives more examples of people he knows/used to know asking him if he can push their product to his own fans so they can make sales; on principle, lyn never agrees/ - /had a friend who had to sell 1000 boxes of moon cakes or get his pay docked/fired from his job. the friend asked lyn if he could promote this to his fans. lyn declined, but instead offered to buy some boxes (10) himself, so he can give them to his drama crew./ LYN: I’ll never do anything that could hurt my reputation or hurt my fans. - /somehow got around to describing those people who just love to be contrary to popular opinion just for attention./

--- bathroom break ---

- /makes a joke about how all his streams are connected (bc the topic/joke from one of them will keep being passed down to the next stream, or new streams will refer back to an old one)/ [t/n: i feel this XD]

- /talking about his new role, and how dark the skin complexion is/ LYN: In my new role I play a swordsman from Miaojiang and as for the design of the appearance.. it can be described as “wind swept and sun scorched” because the place he was born, the sun was very strong so he’s got a dark tan. He’s just very... dark. I go to hair and makeup everyday... my head hurts. How do I say this- I think it’s very normal to sacrifice for a role but the problem is- I can’t say I’m very pale, but I’m okay. Normal skin-toned, let’s say. Have you ever heard of shade No.7 foundation? I’m sure men and women have heard Of No. 1, 2, or 3, but have you heard of shade No. 7? Brands here don’t tend to carry it; I’m currently using it now. The problem with me is that I tend to “eat” makeup. Not (overpowering) the appearance but my face- absorbs very well. If I use a face mask it’ll be dry in an instant. You put foundation and my face will suck it straight in. Like, you put it on and a few moments later it’s like nothing was there at all. Comment: Your pores are big. LYN: Let me think if I have any cosmetics collabs right now... no, nothing for pores. Ok. You’re absolutely correct. My pores are probably too big. No, it;s not that- I just produce a lot of facial oils. So when they put the foundation the part here around my mouth and eyes will become white again. You might not be able to imagine this- it’s like... a reverse panda. LOL LYN: This was the first time you were seeing me in makeup so people started criticizing me, “You’re usually princely, but why are you so dark today??” Comment: Hei Xiazi was dark too. LYN: He was, but this is darker! Hei Xizai’s darkness represents that he’s tough and manly. This darkness represents the environment this character grew up in. It’s two different things. It’s a unique type of darkness. The part around my eyes when I was playing Xiazi got white again too, but he had glasses so it didn’t matter. Comment: What shade was Hei-ye? LYN: If I remember correctly, he was No. 5. This is two shades darker. Just like male lead and third lead, two levels away.

Comment: Are your clothes new? LYN: For sure :) Normally, I like to spend time clothes shopping. Some I buy for my streams, some for stage, some for daily wear. This (purple blazer) was bought for streaming.

- /fans keep trying to get him into the trending list but lyn says it doesn’t matter if he makes it in or not, just that fans tried. last time he was able to make it pretty high bc weibo had promoted him. but lyn does not use his stream for business, so the viewer count/rate doesn’t make much of a difference to him./ LYN: Of course, it makes me happy to know that a lot of people are watching. But the views will never become my motivation or something necessary for me to stream. I’m not here to to push products or advertise so I don’t care about the views. I’m just here to interact with my fans, and to chat. - /people say that lyn mentions the names of people (celebrities) so he can leech off their fame; buy lyn will never mention the names of people he is not at least on friendly terms with./

Comment: Did you take off the (clothes) tag yet? LYN: Uh... I wore some clothes the other day... I didn’t take off the tag and you caught me. I swear I did not NOT cut the tag because I want to return that clothes (after wearing it). I just forgot and was in a rush to get out the door that day. It’s true that it was new though. I bought it when I went to the new year’s event. The store clerk was so nice to me- of course, they probably didn’t recognize me- but all of you were standing outside the store with your phones plastered to the window like how I put my phone to the plane window to take a picture of the clouds. They probably took a look at you, then at me, and figured I was some sort of celebrity. But since they came to this conclusion that I was some artist and probably pretty famous- this is what I think they were thinking, I like to guess- they started recommending me their latest designs. I’ve also worked in clothing stores before- you take the more expensive or limited edition items out to see if you can pass it off to a celebrity. Comment: Then they must have been disappointed. LYN: Let me finish. The clerk told me there were new products that they hadn’t put out onto the floor yet, and asked if I would like to see them. I was thinking, “Sure. :)” It’s not often that I get to shop, so I came for the purpose of buying something anyway. But they asked me if I wanted a jacket, outerwear, or pants, if they could help recommend me something. I was down for it all. Anything that looks good. They selected some items for me, which I tried on and quite liked because I had never worn something like it before. I bought it- I won’t say for how much, but I bought it. They said, “You can pay us, but you can’t take the clothes just yet.” I was confused. Is this a scam? I give the money, but I can’t take the clothes. Tell me why. They said that the clothes would be available starting January 1st, that no one was allowed to wear it until it was officially released. I thought this was reasonable. But I was taking a plane out of the city on the first, so I asked if I could take the clothes with me and wear it after the first. They said no, it was against company regulation. I said, “Look at the people outside. You probably know what type of person I am, right? I count as a public figure, do you think I would go back on my word like that? Right?” LYN: Of course I didn’t SAY THAT OUT LOUD. How could I?? That’s what I was thinking, though. But they let me pick it up on the first, right when the store opened, so I did. After I got back I was thinking, “I’ll probably be the first person to wear these clothes, right? :)” It wasn’t very expensive, but I can wear it casually! There’s a thing in this industry- the first person to wear an article of clothing, and then everyone who wears it after will be compared. But after I got back... I forgot about it! Because as soon as I got back I was with the drama crew and there I had no opportunity to wear it. I was thinking I would wear it as soon as I had something outside of Hengdian to do- and I never made it out. Until that day I wore it out and you caught me because I hadn’t taken the tag off. But I found out that other celebrities had already worn it. I was vexed. If it weren’t for the fact that it was too far away, I really would have tried to return it. It was a loss. I’m sure I was the first person to BUY it; but I wasn’t the first person to wear it. :| I picked it up at 10am on January 1st- I’m sure there was no other artist who got up as early as I did, because the store only opens at 10a. It was right in my hands... /sigh/ LYN: I actually rarely buy expensive clothing, but if it’s for an event or stage performance I will convince myself to spend the money to look good for the people who support me. I can’t go out there looking shabby. But these big name brands- a lot of people might not know- when I go out to these stores looking for more unique articles of clothing, even if you had the funds they won’t sell to you. Why? Because- I won’t name the brands, but you know them- their designer or show looks are reserved for their VIPs. The people who are regulars and spend millions a year shopping with their brand. If you just walk in and want to buy something they won’t sell it to you. Even if they clearly have the items in stock, they will tell you they don’t have it. Comment: Aren’t you a VIP? LYN: I’m not. I’m really not. I already said, I rarely buy the expensive clothing. I like to shop around, too. If I’m in Beijing, I’ll shop there. If I’m in Shanghai, I’ll shop there. I don’t go often enough for the store attendants to recognize me. My rate of consumption is low too because I’m unwilling to buy (anything that expensive). LYN: So why do I... I don’t want you to take this seriously. Why do I need to get to know a “rich woman”? Because she’ll probably be a VIP at stores like these. When I want to buy clothes I can go find her. XD Comment: What happens when you clash with another artist? LYN: Nothing happens. There are only so many brands and products, but there are a lot of artists. It’s a normal thing to clash. No one’s out there monitoring what everyone else is wearing. It’s normal to clash. LYN: I remember I wore a pair of shoes to record Our Song, and I found out that one of the directors was also wearing the same shoes. He told me from which direction on stage I should be walking so I looked at the ground and found out our shoes were the same! Okay! I think it’s fine. Later DZS and WSL came and I went to greet them- WSL was also wearing the same shoes. Three people wearing the same shoes. It’s extremely normal (to clash)! [..] I think the only thing you can compare is... who spent more for them. I bought the shoes for ~400 but they surely got them for ~6000-7000. The source is different. Comment: Ning-ge are yours fake or secondhand? LYN: You just don’t know. Why are things in the market so expensive? It’s because of the middleman! The shipping, storefront fees, water and power, employees; it’s gone through so many hands before it gets to a store and to you. I get my products directly from the source, my family. You can believe it if you want. LYN: I’m kidding. You should only believe about 20% of my stream content. To save face but also marketability in the future, there’s no way I will wear a knockoff product. [..] Honestly I HAVE bought fake products before, but I swear that I did not know they were fake. - /tells the story about him buying a knockoff before, which he actually wore to a program. one of the guests on the program commented on it, saying that they also had that same article of clothing. at the time lyn was thinking, “what are you telling me for??” but the more he thought about it the more suspicious it got. he got back in contact with the shop owner asking if the product was fake- which the store owner denied- but lyn lied and said he got it authenticated. The shop owner then stopped replying to him. lyn decided to let it go bc he had already worn the clothes and the episode already aired, but found out a week later that his money was returned./ LYN: After this I really started paying attention to what I wore. My reasoning is “If I don’t have the money for it, don’t buy it.” Just buy things that are suitable for your income. There’s no need to chase after big name brands. Comment: I want to know which clothes it was. Raffle it. LYN: Let’s talk about it later. Comment: What do you do with the clothes you’ve already worn? LYNL I keep them. I don’t have anything else, but I have a lot of clothes in my house. My house here and in Beijing is full of clothes. There’s a whole room just for clothes. Comment: Raffle them. LYN: I’m not willing, because some are quite expensive. Also, I don’t want to give away any of my personal items. They’re all my treasures. I can’t give them away.

Comment: I’m a song-fan. LYN: You want to hear me sing, is that it? Is anyone here a fan of my acting? I’ll act something out for you. A fan of my legs? A lot of people are fond of my long legs- let me do a model walk for you. I saw that a lot of people started liking me not because they like my songs or my acting, they like when I walk. What, are they fond of my shoes or something?? They lose it when they see me walk. I don’t know if any of you here are those fans. Comment: Ning-ge, I’m here for your hands. LYN: Then you’re losing out. My hands actually aren’t that nice looking. For those fans of my hands let me wash my them and “lube them up and roast them”- a little like how you do acrylic nails nowadays. - /explains this Dongbei saying- which is basically slathering your chapped hands (bc it’s cold in Dongbei) in oil and heating them by a fire/ Comment: Foot fan. LYN: You like to see my feet?? I don’t think I’ve ever taken off my socks in front of you guys... You must be a fan of my socks.

- /decides to sing “黑夜一束光”/ LYN: Is there anyone here who is more sensitive to special effects? Close your eyes and you can rest a while. Alright? I want to show off my live-streaming professionalism. If you can’t stand (the effects) close your eyes. Comment: I’m throwing up. LYN: You’ll get used to it. - /gets halfway through the song/ LYN: No good. /I’M/ gonna throw up looking at this. I’m sorry- this is not on you. Let me turn this off. I was wrong.

LYN: I’ve satisfied my song-fan, now are there any acting-fans in here? I’ll act a bit for you. LYN: I’ve already said that I talked too much so I don’t have the energy to sing and you are still commenting, “How about another song?” I really cant’d do it. How about next time? I’ll owe you. it’s better I owe you and you owe me.

LYN: A lot of people have been asking me about Gong Jun’s live-stream equipment, and if I bought and sent it to him or not. I saw that he went on that interview and the host asked him about it. He’s really just... too honest. Aren’t we friends? You couldn’t save me some face?? You couldn’t have just said that I bought it for you already?! It would have boosted my reputation, that I am a man of my word. But you actually said I hadn’t gotten it for you. Is this really how it is between friends? LYN: I do have an explanation though. I asked him, uh... I was thinking like this. Because we talk often, so this is what I was thinking. First, I’m a man of 1.8m height. If I say I’ll do something, I’ll definitely do it. But I remember I said that when he streams next year I’ll send him a set of equipment. Why haven’t I sent the equipment NOW? My friends, you also live in this day and age- do you know how quickly technology is progressing?? If I sent it to him now, in a year all that equipment will become outdated. I was putting this into consideration!! I’m not hurting for the money, I was afraid that when the time came he would be using outdated technology. So I’ll definitely make this happen- when he’s ready to stream this year I’ll have the latest and greatest ready for him. LYN: I had an actor friend send me a video, no other message attached. The video said, “You haven’t tasted a strawberry until you’ve had a Dandong strawberry.” I sent back only two words: I understand. The next day I had my bros sent them two boxes. They sent back, “This wasn’t my intention.” But I replied, “Don’t fight with me. It’s no use.” This person’s name is Yang Chaoyue. LYN: I’m just saying, I’m not petty. I will uphold my promise, don’t worry. Otherwise I'll give my set to him. You know how expensive/precious it is. No, no- I’ll buy him everything new. Comment: Ning-ge, I also don’t know what strawberries taste like. LYN: Some things in life you’re better off not knowing. The reason you can bravely continue to keep living is precisely because you don’t know a lot of things. There’s a saying, “Ignorance is bliss when knowledge is so damn frightening.” You know? You may not know a lot of things, but that’s not a bad thing. Don’t go around asking about everything. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what a strawberry tastes like. Just like how I don’t know if there are ghosts in this world. If one day I really discovered that ghosts exist, would I be able to live comfortably? I’d be afraid to walk around at night. So it’s better not to know some things. Don’t be curious about useless things- it’s not important.

-- bathroom break-- (no excuses this time XD) - /plays New Year’s Song for the break/ LYN: I saw a comment the other day that said, “So this song was by Liu Yuning? Last year I picked up a part-time at a market and listened to it for two months.”

Comment: Gege what are you drinking? LYN: Don’t call me “gege.” I don’t like it when people call me that; it sounds so “young”. If you’re younger than I am you can call me “Ning-ge” or just “Liu Yuning”; and if you’re older you can call me “Xiao Ning” or “Liu Yuning.” Just don’t call me “gege”. Comment: What about “yeye” (grandpa)? LYN: So polite? That’s not necessary. Are you a Calabash Brother? LYN: You can call me “biao ge” (cousin)! Comment: Hello Ning-Shushu (uncle). Shushu, what are you drinking? LYN: If you’re gonna be like that, then you little kids shouldn’t ask what the adults are drinking. You’ll know when you’re old enough. Ignorance is bliss, you know?

- /changes the channel to Tom & Jerry because someone asked/ - /people don’t know how to tv works, so lyn tells people this is exactly the reason why they shouldn’t be in a rush to buy things (especially people are are just getting married and are in a rush to buy things for their new house), because technology is evolving so quickly/ Comment: Cousin, I want to watch Crayon Shin-chan. LYN: Let’s pass on that one. Because there are some scenes of exposure in that cartoon. The kid has a tendency to take off his pants. I’m afraid my stream will face some unpleasant things if that airs. If my stream were to be shut down just because Shin-chan took off his pants and danced around I would not be able to handle the repercussions. LYN: A lot of you are suggesting shows to play in the background and I have to ask you, my friends, do you not have a lick of legal sense? I can’t just play anything- it’s going to be copyrighted. Whatever I’m playing right now I can’t be sued for, you know? Comment: Play The Long Ballad. LYN: Let me see if I have it. - /the episode starts playing/ LYN: Oh, what episode is this? - /goes back to Tom and Jerry/ LYN: It’s safer. Comment: Turn the volume on the tv up. LYN: Shut your mouth! Stop trying to make me angry. Are you here to watch tv?? You don’t have on eat home? Or are you about to get married and are moving so you temporarily don’t have a tv? Congrats on the marriage.

Comment: How late will you be streaming? LYN: When did I start? I won’t be too late because I have to wake up at 4am to.. work out. I have to wake at 4am so I can catch a plane. Comment: There’s no way. There are no planes at 4am. LYN: Right, because I’m in Hengdian and there are no airports nearby. I have to head for another city to catch a plane.

Comment: Messy hair again? LYN: The people who saw me with my hair messy the other day.. that’s normal. I’m not like other artists, and for this I apologize. Honestly, I could do better. I don’t want you to compare me to other artists in terms of experience or anything, because I don’t want to let you down- I’m really not that great. But in terms of “airport appearance” I really cannot be compared. I admit it. Other artists are very experience. At the airport, everyone is wearing face masks- but since they the mask they’ll draw their eye makeup very prettily. You can’t see the bottom half of their face but their foundation is probably perfect. I need to learn from this. Me- the most I do is wake up and brush my teeth and I’m out the door. All I need is a cap. Comment: Just brush your teeth, don’t wash your face? LYN: Yeah. I don’t wash my face or my hair and just leave the house. I just brush my teeth- that’s already respecting you enough. I’ll probably have to open my mouth to communicate with people so the least I can do is make sure that when I do the other person doesn’t pass out (bc of his breath, LOL). I don’t wash my face because no one is able to touch it. It doesn’t matter. Comment: You’re wearing a face mask, you don’t need to brush your teeth. LYN: Do we have to go into such detail? You’re saying even if I don’t brush my teeth the mask will block the smell? But I won’t be able to handle it. That’s hurting myself. It doesn’t take but a few minutes to brush your teeth, don’t make it hard on yourself. Brush it, still. It’s just that after you wash your face you have to apply all sorts of things to it and it’s a bit more involved.

LYN: ! Someone asked a very sharp question, which is “Why do you always mention YCY in your streams?” Uh... I’m here to leech off her fame. [..] I know in this industry a lot of things are complicated, and I always tell myself not to become a complicated person. Otherwise I’ll just keep thinking about these complicated things and not be able to accomplish the important things. You’ll discover that in this industry there are rarely regular/good interactions between artists. Even if there are such interactions, the fans will block/screen them. They don’t want their idol’s attention to be taken away by another person. I think this is a childish way of thinking. Too narrow-minded. As a worker you have to bring not only your fans but everyone else in the industry a sense of entertainment. To show that we’re having fun, and not that we’re sitting around plotting against one another all the time. What for? I hope that whatever I do can be different from others. I just want to be relaxed. Why do I keep mentioning people’s names in my stream? I’ve already said, I only say the names of people I’m close with. I don’t know if they consider themselves close to me, though. I will never mention anyone I don’t know. LYN: Also, this is MY streaming room. It’s where I can express my feelings. My fans don’t come here just to watch my handsome face. People like me because I feel like a far away friend. You may never be able to meet this friend face to face, but you’re close. It’s not because I’m your idol- I’m not falling for that. I don’t need to pretend to be cool in front of you- wearing impeccable outfits to the airport, saying very perfected answers to interview questions, never showing my inner thoughts to maintain an air of ~mystery~- I’m not playing that game. My fans are like my friends, and if you don’t want to be friends with me then go find someone else. I’ll share my daily life with you, will introduce you to my family, show you my dog, share funny stories about my friends- I’m just someone like that. That’s just how I am, and it’s the reason why a lot of people like me.

- /he’s the 31st trending topic./ Comment: Who’s Liu Yuning? LYN: Other people are answering, “My cousin.” Comment: My husband. LYN: Shush. The only people who call me “husband” are new fans. The old fans- the ones who’ve matured with me- have already learned better. I’ve told them, “People in this circle like to call (their idols) husband or gege. Let’s not be so familiar.” Comment: I’m an old fan and I want to call you “husband.” LYN: Yes, there are old fans who want to call me that but by now they’ve learned to hold it back. The new fans just don’t know the rules yet. I already said that I’m your friend from far away- I think of you as my friend, but you think of me as- LYN: It’s not good (for the overall health of the fandom). - /Says that it doesn’t make a good impression on anyone who came because they saw the trending topic to enter the stream and see all the comments calling him “husband.” What kind of person would that make it seem like he is?? XD It would be better if they could discuss more cultured topics, or if they were all communicating in English- then the whole atmosphere of the stream would change. Starts spewing every idiom and proverb he knows./ Comment: How come all those sayings are the ones little children learn? LYN: What a sharp question. ... Then let me say one from middle school... /thinking/ Middle school... If I really can’t think of one does this ruin my image? - /finally thinks of one and recites it, but forgets half way through/ Comment: What about the last half? LYN: If I were really able to remember it all and study well then I doubt you’d be seeing me right now. [..] See, this is why I always say that learning/studying is important. You never know when you’re going to be walking down the street and some impolite person is gonna walk up to you and ask you to recite three poems you learned in high school. At that time, if you can recite them fully, like a machine, then that person will have nothing to say but give you a thumbs up. Today, some rude people came into my stream and asked me to recite poems- so studying is important. You never know when you’re going to need it (the knowledge you learned). I was not able to seize this opportunity. Opportunity will always come to the prepared. If I could recite it in full this person would have immediately become my ironclad-fan.

LYN: See? I was in culinary school for high school so I didn’t learn the same things you did. If you ask me how to cook Fried Pork and Peppers and how to make it tasty, I can recite the whole process for you. Comment: How to cook a braised Liu Yuning? LYN: ?_? Alright, my friends. What is “红烧”, let me explain. 红 (hong) is the color. 烧 (shao) is the same “roast” as in bbq. What is hong shao... you don’t need to know. The flavor is... basically just soy sauce and sugar. You need to have the right proportions. If you use only soy sauce, that’s just called “烧” (burnt) and that’s another problem. You have to have the right amount of sugar to give it gloss and sweetness. Comment: What does it mean to 清蒸 (qing zheng = steam) something? LYN: Just use water to steam it, don’t add any other ingredients. Got it? Only clear water. Comment: How to 油燜? (you men = use oil to stew) LYN: Basically it’s just using oil to stew something. You have to have the right amount of oil- not too much or you’ll just be deep frying. Comment: Bai Zhuo? LYN: “Baizhuo” is just using clear water to boil something until its fully cooked. (but more similar to a blanch or scald) Comment: 黄焖? (huang men = yellow braise) LYN: Huangmen? Is actually also just soy sauce and sugar but there’s another ingredient that I’ve really forgotten. (ginger and potato, carrot, or chestnut) I was learning mostly Dongbei cuisine. Comment: How to make “糖醋” (tang cu = sweet and sour)? LYN: It’s just sugar and vinegar. There has to be enough sugar and a lot of vinegar. Comment: 水煮 (shui zhu = poached)? LYN: Normally you’d hear this with poached fish or beef. The most important ingredient for dishes like these is the bean paste. It used to be that way, but nowadays more people are just using a hot pot base to cook it. It’s just easier, and I recommend people try it. Some bean paste, hot pot base, bean sprouts and fish or beef. Comment: Yan Ju? [um.. salt baked?] LYN: It’s using salt to heat an ingredient. For example you put five bags of salt in your wok, heat the salt and use that heat to cook an ingredient. That’s what “yan ju” is. But the thing is- like for salt-baked chicken, you have to wrap the chicken in something like a lotus leaf or parchment paper before you pack it with salt. You can’t just use the salt to encase it. Comment: Won’t it melt? LYN: Normally pure salt won’t melt. But you also have to control the temperature. It can’t be too big of a flame. LYN: Alright, that’s about it (on this topic).

Comment: Cooking stream. LYN: Yeah, when I have time I’ll make a table full of food and invite a few friends over to have a meal. ... Maybe not. Or else you’ll say I’m trying to leech off their fame. :p Comment: Do they dare to come? LYN: Honestly there are a few artists that I try to avoid. But the people who I do aren’t likely to ever become my friends. It’s probably ok. I'll have to see if they (the ones he CAN invite) have time.

- /someone asks him what the bgm is (My Sassy Princess OST)/ LYN: This was sung by the kid who’s number 33 on the trending list right now. Oh wait, wasn’t I at 31 earlier, how come it dropped. :( Comment: Who;s Liu Yuning? LYN: Um.. a pretty good kid. I won’t introduce you to him here. Don’t like him, please don’t. Trust me. Do NOT try to get to know him. Do NOT to some digging on him. Really. It’ll “scare you to death”. Don’t look up “Liu Yuning”, you’ll be shocked for a whole year. You’ll regret looking him up, so don’t do it. [t/n: trying the reverse psychology tactic from his previous stream.]

Comment: Are you familiar/close with Yuan Bingyan? LYN: Truthfully, I don’t know her. I know she’s an actress and I’ve watched her work- what I mean is that we don’t know each other privately. I have sung for a few of her dramas already, though. It’s nice. I hope my song can protect their love in the drama. LYN: Though I haven’t worked with a lot of actors, I’ve sung for a lot of their dramas. For example, every kiss, hug, point of eye contact, slow motion turn, every frozen moment- every time one of these scenes happen you will hear my song. We all know each other but haven’t had the chance to work together yet. Hopefully one day we will be able to. Comment: “Frozen moment”- that’s rich. LYN: What’s wrong with describing it like that? The plots of idol dramas are all the same. The first scenario: inexplicable kabedon. The two characters are having a nice conversation and then suddenly the man will push the woman against the wall. She’ll be shocked, and the two will gaze into each other’s eyes. The camera angle will be very close. The music starts, motions slow, and the lights dim. Isn’t this the routine? The second scenario is: the woman suddenly trips and the man catches her around the waist. There are a couple of ways this could go. Either the camera comes down from above. Or it revolves around the couple. They gaze at each other while the background fades out. Petals fall from the sky. A light wind blows across the man’s hair. Think about it- isn’t this how they all go? Another moment is when the carriage comes to a sudden stop and the girl crashes into the man’s lips. She bites his lip. The man will be stunned, and the girl will have huge eyes. They stare at each other and are frozen in the moment. Is there something wrong with that expression?? Comment: So these are the makings of an idol drama? LYN: Honestly from the time they first started making dramas, every scenario you can imagine has already been filmed. Like a kiss, for example. Think of how many dramas have kisses- no matter how you film it, there’s no way you can capture something new. You’ve probably already seen something similar. Every position, every camera angle, every set design, every male and female pair- you’ve seen it all. There are limits to what can be written and there are limits to what can be filmed. It’s all you CAN do. I bet you 100% any movie or drama you’re watching, another person has already filmed it that exact way before.

Comment: You’ve been streaming less? LYN: Not really. I usually can stream 3-4 times a month. As long as I have work, I can’t stream too often. When streaming I am very happy and we’re all excited but it is pretty tiring. Every time I stream, the next day my face hurts from talking too much. Plus, I like to make too many expressions. One stream is more tiring (for his face) than a day’s worth of acting.

Comment: When’s Heroes coming? LYN: You keep asking me this question, but let me tell you- don’t have too high expectations for it. I’ve found that with a lot of dramas-

- /pauses bc Daimi is barking./

LYN: The neighbors are really fighting this time. Let me close the door... LYN: With a lot of dramas, the more expectation you have for it the more disappointed you’ll be when it’s actually released. If it’s not good enough it’ll have so much criticism it’ll be done for. But if you don’t have any expectations, you might be surprised. Right? Like with Ultimate Note- it became really popular! But in reality a lot of people had no idea what it was. Even after it aired they didn’t even know that I played Hei Yanjing. Talk about low expectations! But it was pretty popular. The dramas that everyone is looking forward to are likely to be criticized if it doesn’t live up to expectation. It’s not that the drama is even bad, it’s just not what people thought it was going to be. So let’s not care about Heroe’s anymore. LYN: Heroe’s is just so-so. Don’t look forward to it. Just watch it when it airs and leave it at that! Comment: Ning-ge, if you say it’s just so-so then I just won’t watch it! LYN: Are you insane? If I say it sucks you have to say, “No. I have to see for myself JUST HOW MUCH it sucks.” Honestly though, it’s alright if the viewer rate for Heroe’s isn’t that high. LYN: I like watching those videos, the “Dramas to look forward to in 2022″- they start at ALZ and say the name of every other drama that exists. I sit here just waiting to see what they have to say. These videos never even mention Heroes. How lowly must they think of it?? Here I was waiting for them to comment on it. Turns out I thought too highly of them. We’re (Heroes) not worthy. [..] It’s not like they don’t mention this drama AT ALL. But where other dramas get three minutes of introduction, Heroes only gets three sentences. LYN: Doesn’t matter. Let the gods (other dramas) fight. We’re just mere mortals. It’s enough for us mortals just to continue to struggle to live in the chaotic world. I’ll want to know just how amazing the fight will be. Let’s wait and see.

- /someones says they don’t want to do their homework and he starts lecturing them XD/ LYN: What are you going to do (when you grow up)?? You want to be a celebrity??? Comment: I’ll let the sheep out. LYN: You don’t even want to do your homework, will you be able to make sense of how to let the sheep? If you let the sheep out you’ll lose them all. You’ll probably get yourself lost, too. People like you will be taken by the wolves. Comment: I’ll let out one (1) sheep. LYN: One sheep? That’s.. fine, I guess. The sheep eats grass and you eat the sheep. Spend the rest of your life that way. Fine. Don’t do your homework.

Comment: You sure know how to raise a kid. LYN: I wouldn’t speak to MY OWN CHILD this way! Don’t joke. There’s no way I would yell at my own child this way and hurt their self-esteem. They can go do whatever they want. If they want a sheep, I’ll let them raise a sheep. Daimi can go with them. I’ll import the best grass for it to eat, too. As long as they (his child and the kid’s sheep) are happy. Comment: You have a son? LYN: My friends, let me tell you some shocking news- it’s the first time I’m saying this on stream. With Apple products, every time the new phone is out I’ll give my mom my old one. So I have an iphone 13, and my mom has my old iphone 12. In her phone my mom saved my number as “My Son”. That’s normal, right? But I don’t know why- all of my equipment got changed to “My Son” With my earphones (airpods)... I was about to go on stage and collab with another singer. A female singer- I won’t say who, but you all know her. [t/n: gxt?? XD] Before that happened, we wanted to go over the song, so I played the accompaniment on my phone for us to listen to. My phone read the connection as “My Son’s Airpods”. She saw it. (She was stunned.) I was nervous too, because there was no way I could explain it all to her like I am doing now with you. So I brushed it off like, “Oh, I think my mom did this.” But I could already tell that she was confused/speechless. LYN: After a few days she came to look for me, and said she wanted to discuss some gossip. She asked, “Do.. Do you have children?” I asked her where she heard that from and she said that I could tell her and she would definitely keep it a secret, but she just wanted to know. I know I’m on the older side but how could such a rumor be spreading around about me??? She said, “I saw your phone that day... those airpods are your son’s, right?” I was startled but relieved and explained it all to her, saying that If I really DID have a son I would tell her because we’re in the same circle and it was alright to be honest with her. XD But I really don’t! I don’t know how my mom did it. LYN: The conclusion of this story is “My Son” is “Me”. LYN: I’m confident no one else has had this experience before. This is really too amazing. I haven’t told my mom about this. I don’t know if changing my name on her phone will work to fix the problem either. Comment: What? LYN has a son?? Let’s spread the word! LYN: IT’S ALMOST THE NEW YEAR, PLS. There’s no need. Do good things. I hope your next year will be smooth. Comment: Ning-ge, are you lacking a daughter? LYN: Are you going to give your kid to me? I don’t want it. I don’t need it.

LYN: I think if I ever had a kid I would treat them super well. I saw someone hating on me, saying “Liu Yuning’s Childhood Trauma Needs a Lifetime to Heal.” Implying that I didn’t have a good childhood/upbringing and need to spend my whole lifetime making up for the hurt. How cruel is that? But I remembered it; honestly it’s reasonable. I don’t need to “heal” though. I think everyone has different upbringings, and how you grow up (the environment) will determine your personality. For me, who grew up a bit more independently, I might be a little stronger now. People who grew up in a nice environment might be a little on the weaker side. If they face any obstacle they might give up easily- they won’t want to do their homework. No one ever forced me to do homework when I was little. It’s just different. I’m not saying I didn’t grow up happy- I can only say it wasn’t the life I wanted, not the environment I wanted. But I am lucky and grateful to my parents that I was able to grow up to this age. If I ever had a kid I would make sure to give it the happiest and most carefree life I could. When I feel I am ready/able to accomplish this, then I’ll do it (start a family, have a kid). Comment: Alright! I’ll remember this, dad! LYN: There’s no need to be so polite!! We are friends, we have a great relationship. But you don’t need to address me in such a way. Let’s set the rule down- from now on please don’t call me “dad” or “grandpa”. I’m not worthy of the title or responsibility. Don’t joke. You can call me “Uncle” or “大爷” but please, no direct blood relation. I can’t stand it. Please don’t call me as such... because I don’t want to split my inheritance with you. XD I’m joking but I’m also serious. This is a line I don’t like to cross.

LYN: I hope my stream can be somewhere I can just joke around with you talk about fun things. I really hope to be a friend. My "friend” is not like others. “You’re all my friends. :)” If the fans are your friends then why are you asking them to buy your song?? I saw something- a singer had released their song and in the comments was saying, “You are all my family. You’re my cherished friends. Thank you for your support.” and I saw someone reply, “If I’m your friend then why do I have to pay to listen to your song?” After I saw that comment I swore- any song I release in the future, you will never have to pay for.

LYN: It’s about time. A lot of people still have work and school tomorrow. If you still haven’t done your homework, get it done quickly. It’s already 11p so I’ll get ready to go and have a bite to eat. I really do have to wake up at 4a to catch a plane. If it weren’t for that I really would stream past 12a. But I know that YOU’RE sleepy and you can’t stay up anymore. I know I said when I started that I wasn’t able to stay up for a long time anymore, but I think my threshold is still a lot longer than yours. LYN: Again! Because we’re in a pandemic, you really don’t need to come out and see me to the airport. I know the way. If it weren’t for the pandemic I think it would be fine for you to come see me, as long as you didn’t disturb anyone else- but now’s not convenient so you really don’t need to come see me. Wait until the situation gets better and then we can properly have a good time and hold concerts. You don’t need to see me at the airport. It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong, it’s that I’m afraid to die. Another thing is, you like to give me letters and food- for the time being I am not accepting these gifts right now. I had a nightmare- I won’t tell you what it was about but it made me not want to accept things right now. I don’t hate you nor am I looking down on you- honestly speaking I just don’t know where you came from. Before you give me these things you have’t given me your vaccination record or proof of a negative testing result. I don’t dare accept your gifts because I don’t know where you came from or who you’ve interacted with. I just don’t want to cause any trouble (in case he gets sick and then passes it on to the drama crew or delays filming, etc). LYN: Just keep all your letters for now, and write more if you want to. When the pandemic is better, you can send them all to me at once. You can write a timestamp too. “This is my first letter, this is my second, my third...” Send me a book. I’m just saying that during this time- of course I can’t dictate how you live your life, but- don’t come out to see me and don’t give me anything. Thank you. LYN: The other time I was at the airport and a group of fans tried to give me something and I told them I was sorry, I could not accept. They’re probably wondering if I’m on a high-horse and I don’t respect my fans anymore. So now I’ve explained to you why. Got it? LYN: The girl that time was like this, “Ning-ge, letter!” I replied, “I’m sorry, I cannot accept it.” And she sort of scoffed and said, “You can’t even accept a letter?” I could tell by her eyes that there was an 80% possibility she stopped being my fan right then and there.

LYN: Alright, well I’ll be doing some work tomorrow so you can rest up and go to work. Anyone who hasn’t done their homework should do it- listen to my advice, otherwise you’ll only be eating lamp soup in the future. The sheep eats grass, you eat the sheep. You are the grass. LYN: Have a good night everybody. Let’s meet next time~ Thank you!

#Liu Yuning #lyn livestream #(4:03:25)#reply to the gj interview abt the livestream equipment #some cooking info #lyn has a kid pass it on XD #(but no- he'll be a great dad)

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 3 years

Text

This Needs To Stop.

Trigger warning: Sensitive topics, p*dopilia, grooming, mental health and r*cism.

Ok so this is a bit of a rant so apologies for that, I usually try to stay away from sensitive or controversial topics but this is something that I am passionate about and that I think is important. Also I just want to say that I am in no way directing this to the entirety of the M*lina fandom, I know most are just enjoying their ship, but there are those few who are deliberately seeking out darklina posts or are cross tagging and coming into darklina’s asks and just generally harassing the fandom which sadly I am seeing happen more and more often. Also I do feel like this can apply to all fandoms not just exclusively shadow and bone/ grishaverse, its just this is the one I am experiencing it in right now.

I’ve seen antis call darkling/darklina fans many problematic things, delusional, mentally ill, ab*se apologists. They also like throwing around words like grooming and p*dophile. The thing that makes me angry about this is that they are taking sensitive topics, topics that many users have been effected by and they are using them to attack shippers merely for liking a character or ship that they don’t. What is even more frustrating is they seem to be throwing these words around without evening fully understanding what they even mean. For example the claim that the Darkling is a p*dophile because Alina is only 17 in the books. Well p*dophilia is a psychiatric disorder where adults are attracted to children and in order for it to be classed as p*dophilia the child involved has to be 13 or younger. A 16 year old can be diagnosed as a p*dophile if they become attracted to a child that is five years or more younger than them. So the relationship between the Darkling and Alina does not meet the criteria to be categorised this way as Alina is over the age of 13. As for it being a case of Alina is underaged, well, for one that depends on where in the world you are. This is based on imperial russia, in russia the age of consent is 16. This means that a 16 year old can have a sexual relationship with a 30 year old, a 70 year old or a 500 year old immortal and in a court of law it is still legal, whatever your own moral issues around age gaps might be. Even then it can be argued that it is irrelevant because, as with most historical literature where young girls marry older men, you cannot put modern day concepts onto them. Like I said this story is based on Imperial Russia, the life expectancy of a person in that time was around 30 years old. That means a 15 year old girl is already half way through her life, she is literally middle aged. It is at this point usually that girls started to prepare to get married and have children and yes sometimes it was to an older man because men were expected to provide for their wife and family which means having a house and job and means to support a family which an older man was more likely to have. My point is a 15-17 year old in say Imperial Russia is not the same as a 15-17 year old in modern day therefore you can’t take modern day laws and morals and place them onto that situation, it doesn’t work, they lived completely different lives. In Alina’s world, she is at the age where girls might get married and her being courted by a man of the general’s status would have been a normal occurrence, for her to have caught the attention of someone with his standing would have been considered very advantageous for her. I mean she literally gets two marriage proposals in book 2, where I believe she is still 17, and Nikolai is talking about how if she marries him it’ll be in name only and they can make Mal her guard so she can do the horizontal tango with him whenever she feels like it, so clearly the characters themselves feel like Alina is at an age where she can, one get married, and two be engaging in a sexual relationship.

So why does all of this matter? Well it matters because people reading these posts, asks and comments left on posts, may be victims of p*dophilia and grooming. A lot of these comments don’t have trigger warnings and when you are talking about sensitive and triggering topics like this you need to be careful and when you are talking about them without even really understanding them, and where they can’t apply to the characters you are talking about anyway, then you are potentially triggering someone needlessly because you didn’t need to be talking about it in the first place, I hope I am making sense there. I am not saying don’t talk about these subjects if you do think they are relevant, I am saying make sure you do the research, that you understand the subject you are addressing and when you do talk about it do it in a respectful manner, don’t throw it out there in an angry spew accompanied by alot of other derogatory words because that won’t help anyone.

Another subject I want to talk about is I am also seeing a lot of posts about how darklinas must be delusional or mentally unwell. This, again, is hurtful and harmful. Mental illness for a very long time has had a stigma around it, one that makes the person suffering from it feel weak and ashamed. There was always the attitude of if you are mentally ill then there is something wrong with you, or the attitude of oh just get over it, cheer up, think a different way. But mental illness isn’t just a state of emotion its often caused by hormonal imbalances and chemicals. Genetics can also play a part. There is nothing wrong with someone who is mentally ill their brain is just wired a different way. I also find it problematic when people throw around the word delusional. Maybe its nothing to you, just a word, but alot of mental illnesses have actual delusions as one of their symptoms. These can be scary and upsetting and are outside the control of the person experiencing them. Making the suggestion that liking a particular ships means you are delusional is potentially very triggering to those who do battle delusions and have fought to overcome them. The stigma around mental illness has prevented alot of people suffering from mental illness from seeking help out of shame or embarrassment or even out of fear of being judged and although I do feel like as a society we’ve become alot more open about mental health and alot more accepting there is still a long way to go. When antis start saying things like ‘I can’t believe people ship this, they must be mentally ill,’ or ‘they must be sick in the head’, or ‘if you like this ship than you must be delusional’ not only are they being incredibly prejudice against people who have mental illnesses but it is also so harmful because if there is someone reading that post who is struggling with their mental health and are considering seeking help then you’ve just made them feel more ashamed, more like there is something wrong with them which will make them even less likely to seek out help and as I said before there isn’t anything wrong with a person who has a mental health condition they are just different from you. That doesn’t give you the right to make them feel like they are less capable of deciding what they do or do not like or even what they should or should not like to be classified as a ‘normal’ person.

The most latest problematic statements I’ve seen have been those accusing Darklina’s of being r*cist. This one I found a bit funny in a it’s not funny kind of way. I just don’t think there is much logic behind this view point. I’m not sure I understand the antis reasoning here. Mostly because I’m pretty sure the majority of the Darklina fandom comes from the books where Mal is described as being a white, brown haired, blue eyed guy. Funnily enough the Darkling is described as being able to pass for Shu, though to be clear it isn’t confirmed that he is a POC, but out of the two in the books the Darkling is more likely to be a POC than Mal. On top of that whilst many darklina fans have made it clear they are not a fan of Mal in the books many have said they like the show version of Mal who, as we all know, the actor Archie is a POC. So by anti logic darklinas are all r*cist because they don’t like book Mal who is depicted as white but we do like show Mal who is a POC. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I do understand that there were some ‘fans’ who made inappropriate and r*cist comments to some cast members including Archie and I would never ever condone that no matter who I ship. But you also can’t condemn an entire fandom just because of the actions of a select few. I don’t judge all M*linas for that one fan who accused Ben of being a pr*dator and p*dophile because of his friendship with Jessie. Once again my point is r*cism is a serious topic and not something someone should use as a retort or comeback to someone not shipping your ship. When we use these words casually it makes it less likely that they’ll be taking seriously when they really do need to be taken seriously, when they really are relevant to what is happening. If we keep using them so casually then when we really do need to talk about them, when it really matters, people will just shrug and go ‘its just antis being antis.’

I think it is possible for people to like different things, to debate and analyse different relationships and characters and talk about what flaws they may have in a respectful manner. I wouldn’t say I am anti m*lina but at the same time there are things about them that I find problematic but when I talk about those things I hope I do so in a way that doesn’t demean those who do like the ship. I understand that people will have a different interpretation than me and whilst I might not understand where their thinking comes from or why they have a particular opinion I would never make the assumption that they are mentally unwell or make judgements on their character or morals. I try to think about the words I am writing. I know how easy it can be to just throw a word out there without thinking about it. I used to use the word delusional to describe fans of certain ships, but when I recognised how damaging and problematic that was I stopped and I changed my behaviour because it was never my intention to hurt others. I guess the main message I am trying to convey here is we need to be careful with our words they’re not as insignificant as we might think.

#darklina #anti anti #anti anon hate #anti anti darklina #excuse the rant

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h-sleepingirl · 4 years

Text

Scenes from a Hypnotic Skype Call 4/22/20

I text him in the morning like I always do, before I go back to sleep for a little while. He texts back, “Call at noon?” and I get so happy despite not really being awake, replying eagerly before I catch my last hour.

I have been feeling everything incredibly intensely for the past few days. We have been so on. Our long weekend call was so amazing. Afterwards I was completely fucked. The next day I was fucked. The day after that I was fucked. And the day after…

We have talked so much about the potential for truly long-term trance. Days. Waking up into hypnosis in the morning. I never really believed it would be possible without us being in the same place.

But I spent Sunday dumb because he took advantage of me feeling unwell. Monday we had a call. Tuesday afternoon I realized I had been in trance all day.

Now Wednesday. I wasn’t sure in the morning if I was in trance or not. But god, was I excited and needy for him.

We get on and I see myself on the little screen and how bouncy I look, hear how squeaky I sound. Our babble is stupid and flirty and inane. But watching myself, seeing the way I look and hearing the stupid desperation in my voice makes me feel something, like I’m in over my head.

“I keep having this feeling, like, are you proud, are you happy about what you’ve done to this girl?” I ask, and it’s thin, and it feels like I’ve started on this small thread that I have to unravel.

He gives me a big smile and a thumbs up. “Should I not be?” he asks, so high-spirited, reducing my little outburst.

“I feel like you should be a little… sad…”

...Because you’re changing her. Because you’re destroying her original personality...

“Why should I be sad?”

The energy has shifted. This chat is a farce. I know it. But I’m too deep into it, feel a strange confidence that is like there is nothing I have left to lose.

“You’re ruining me,” I say, plainly, almost pleading. “Really…”

It’s a pornographic conversation. Straight out of a story. I feel like a character, like text on a page, but I can’t stop it. I remember other moments like this, a date where I whispered, ‘You’re changing me…’ The way he responded…

“Yeah? And I should be sad about that?” His voice has started lilting, gotten softer, acknowledging the way my eyes have softened.

All I can do is make a tiny noise. I’m slipping…

-- He’s trancing me hard and my consciousness truly feels like it’s slipping away, I’m losing myself, vision swimming, body swaying, can’t express the way that I really feel like I’m going away, really…

I realize that I’ve lost my ability to understand the words he’s saying, I really have no idea… Not suggested, just spontaneous, I feel so confused and at the same time I can’t bring myself to exert any effort to change it. This has been happening more and more often, to varying degrees… It feels futile... Too far gone. So far gone. His words wash over me and all I can do is sink into them and sink into the knowledge that I don’t have enough brain left anymore, like a young child, like an animal.

He wakes me up and I have no idea how long it’s been, no idea what he did to me.

“I really, really couldn’t understand you,” I breathe, and I’m shaking with the force of that. I’m still in trance.

“Yeah?” he asks quietly.

He keeps trancing me, and I keep not being able to comprehend it.

He wakes me up. All I can do is blink dumbly at him, burning with obsession, but completely subdued by thick trance, thick pleasure and surrender.

“So is that kind of the topic?” he asks, and his voice is so sweet, dangerously, venomously sweet. “The thing that’s been happening, the feeling of being perpetually caught in this trap, that you walked into like a fucking moron?”

My throat tightens as I try not to cry out in delicious anguish.

“Do you remember when you first noticed that I was making it harder for you to understand what I was doing to you?”

“Not exactly,” I whisper. “But I remember the first time I thought that…”

“Yeah,” he says. “And it’s kind of sad, right? You don’t like that you’re not able to analyze it anymore?”

I nod, pained.

“That’s why we record the calls, right?” he says. “To give you some sense that there’s something you can go back to later?”

I’m holding my breath.

“But then what happens when you listen back?” Patronizing. Knowing.

I make a horrible little high-pitched noise.

I go away when I listen back. It doesn’t matter. I’ve tried time and time again, listening and helplessly going into trance, sometimes able to catch things, sometimes they slip away… My memory and my intelligence in this so faulty…

“That’s right,” he says. “It’s awful. Because that was something I took away from you.”

My body tenses hard in the terrible pleasure of that and I remember again my favorite date and the long interrogation of what he could take away from me permanently… Realizing that this is it, that this is a thing that he found that he could, that he kept his promise… How long it took me…

“Be porn,” he says, turning away from my screen and focusing on his computer. “I have to do some work.”

My brain short-circuits. I blank out. My body begins moving automatically, far more graceful and erotic than I ever can acheive consciously, my hands delicately moving across my body, fingers over my collarbones, teasing at the front of my shirt. My shoulders cock seductively. I am in control of none of it, but find what’s left of me just observing helplessly what I look like on the screen, and extraordinarily focused on him, absolutely needing him to respond to me, but at the same time having an infinite patience until he does.

He’s busy typing for a moment as I start teasing my tits, pulling at my shirt, and he looks over, and just stops and stares.

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” he says, suddenly ragged, and I know immediately there is no pretense, no show for me, I can hear and see so clearly the way I’m affecting him, so genuine. His response is the hottest thing in the world to me, even as my vision comes in and out, and I feel myself smile, bring a finger to my lips and suck obscenely on it.

I never would be able to do this normally. Not like this, not without shame.

He wrenches his vision away from me to turn back to work, and I feel nothing, no disappointment, no decay in eroticism. I am just porn on his screen. I am just here to get him off. It is my entire purpose and I keep performing even when he is not looking.

I suck two fingers this time, feeling the drool start leaking just a little bit out of my lips, making perverse suction noises, and I notice that that makes him look over at me, and feel myself learning that.

He looks like he is in trance watching me. I love that face, it gets me off so much, and it has been so long… I feel my body adjust with that little thought, how to make my motions more hypnotic, more alluring. I am dynamic, learning porn, programmed for so long to turn him on and hyperfocused on becoming even more totally perfect in every single moment. It uses all of my conscious knowledge to do it.

I feel completely disconnected from my body. I want to stare at the image of myself to see what I look like but I can’t, really. Sometimes I glance. But I imagine she looks like a dolly, totally blank-eyed and docile even as she moves like a seductress. It is impossibly good.

The cycle repeats, over and over, him turning to look, the shift of his feedback, and me being perfectly distracting until he wins the struggle and can look away. He is so, so turned on, it is completely palpable to me, more important than anything in the world.

Sometimes the sucking blanks me out. I’ve been so conditioned for so long to go away when I have fingers in my mouth. It is purely instinct, purely muscle memory. (Now, I think of Pavlovian conditioning and get upset that I didn’t talk about this idea of when a conditioned behavior approaches the same level of base responsiveness as unconditioned behavior...) But I know I must look immensely dumb, immensely mindfucked, vision just nonsubstantial and tongue moving rhythmically.

He loves it. I could talk about it for pages and pages, the back and forth, the true exchange of energy and power that happens in such a casual way, over miles and miles apart. For me, I exist only as a creature of the moment, seconds ago forgotten so easily. At one point, he shifts his focus entirely on me and trances me hard after he pulls himself out of trance.

Finally, he snaps, and it is so jarring, far too instant, far too different than the bliss object that I was.

I breathe heavily. I feel broken and I feel thrilled, like we just did something otherworldly and precious.

He looks about as fucked as I do.

The first thing I am able to say, shaken, but excited, is, “How long was that? Do you know?”

He takes my request seriously. “I can look,” he says. “...Just about ten minutes.”

I look back on the past ten minutes in my memory and find a blur of sexuality, impenetrable when I poke at it.

“Oh, my god.”

We talk about it for a long while.

@hypnokinkwithmrdream

#my writing #hypnosis #hypnokink #this writing is bullshit and doesn't come close to anything about this date #whatever #frustration

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youreacowgirllikeme · 3 years

Text

Solace

note: this is for @cnnownsme who requested a soft, comforting Chris fic, I hope you like it! xx

words: 1.9k

warnings: mild swearing, angst, bit of smut (nothing too graphic though)

enjoy :)

You were startled awake by the sound of breaking glass. Groaning softly, you looked around, unsure what exactly had happened. It was dark, only the glow of your computer screen was illuminating the kitchen. It seemed like you fell asleep sitting on the dining table and accidentally knocked over your glass of water, which now laid shattered on the ground.

"Shit!” you swore under your breath and carefully got up to turn on the light, trying to avoid the shatters of glass littered around on the floor.

You were in the midst of cleaning up the mess you made when you heard soft footsteps coming closer.

“Baby, it’s the middle of the night, what happened?” The sleepy voice of your boyfriend asked. He stood in the middle of the kitchen, dressed in only pajama bottoms, his curly hair tousled from sleep. His eyes squinted against the light, and he looked so cute that you wanted nothing more than to wrap your arms around him and follow him to bed. But you couldn’t.

“I was still up working on that article, fell asleep and knocked over my water glass. Go back to bed, Chris, everything is alright.” You replied, tiredness and frustration evident in your voice. You didn’t want to argue now, you knew you weren’t getting enough sleep, but the work had to be done either way.

“Y/N, please come to bed with me, I promise you’ll be much more productive after a good night’s sleep.” Chris tried to convince you, reaching out to put his huge arms around your smaller frame and pull you against his chest. You resisted the temptation to just snuggle up to his warm, comforting body, wriggling yourself free from his embrace instead.

“Chris, I told you, the deadline is next week and if I don’t have a first draft ready by tomorrow my boss is going to have my ass.” You snapped, starting to grow annoyed, the lack of sleep and stress were taking a toll on your mood. “Go back to bed, please.”

Chris looked taken aback, but he yielded, pressing a kiss to your forehead and murmuring a quick good night before disappearing into the direction of your bedroom again.

You felt a flash of guilt, you knew he only wanted what was best for you, but you were in a position at work that didn’t allow for any mistakes. You were one of the youngest members of the team, and your strong opinions that you weren’t afraid to voice made you a thorn in the side of your boss. You had a target on your back, and you were not about to give them any reason to fire you.

Uttering a deep sight, you made yourself some coffee and continued working.

+++

A week later, things had spiraled out of control for you. Your boss was giving you so much heat, criticizing you and your work whenever he could. You were running on only a couple of hours of sleep during the last days, your appetite was almost gone, replaced by a constant queasiness in your stomach.

Between your job and Chris’ show, you haven’t been able to spend any quality time together, and on the rare occasion that you saw each other, you were tired and easily angered. Chris went out of his way to shield you from stress and tried talking to you multiple times.

He told you that he was worried, that you looked unwell and that you should consider taking some days off. But you had your walls up, dismissing him. He couldn’t understand the position you were in, he was well established as a journalist while you were still at the very base of the food chain. You had to put everything you had into this job, or you would never reach the top.

Still, you could see how your behavior hurt Chris and felt incredibly guilty about it. He was your rock, the most important person in your life, and you wanted nothing more than just crawl into bed with him for a week, or fly to a desert island, just the two of you. But talking about your emotions and fears had never been your strong suit, so you were just eating everything up. But you could feel breaking point approaching, and as usual, it hit you when you least expected it.

It was Friday evening; you had handed in your finished article a couple of hours before and were now preparing for what was hopefully going to be a more relaxed weekend. You currently were in the kitchen, trying to make dinner. Chris was still at work, but you wanted to surprise him and spend an actual evening with him, to make up for everything you put him through the last week.

Suddenly, your phone was ringing, your boss’s number showing up on the screen. You thought about just ignoring it, it was a Friday night after all, but maybe something important came up.

You instantly regretted taking the call. Your boss was basically tearing the article you gave him apart, disagreeing with so many of your arguments. He was calling you a failure and threatening to fire you if there wasn’t a completely revised version on his desk by Monday.

You managed to hold the tears at bay while you were still on the phone, but right after you hung up, you collapsed. Your body just slumped against the wall of the living room, sliding down until your head was between your knees.

The tears were flowing steadily, sobs wrecking your body while all the anger, stress, fear and pressure of the past weeks came crashing down on you like a tidal wave. You curled up against the wall and just cried, the world around you going blurry. You had lost track of time when you sensed rapid footsteps coming towards you. Chris was home.

“Babe, what is wrong?” his concerned voice barely came through to you, and you were crying to much to give an answer. Suddenly, you were picked up by a pair of strong arms and as soon as you felt the comforting presence of Chris’ warm body, the floodgates really opened.

He laid you down onto the sofa, covered you with a soft blanket and just held you while you let out all the repressed feelings that have been eating you up. His large hand was softly stroking little circles across your back while you cried your eyes out until there were wet patches all over his shirt.

When you finally calmed down and looked up at him, his eyes were full of worry.

“Talk to me, Y/N, please. I don’t know what is happening, and I can’t help you if you don’t tell me. I’m not able to just sit back and watch you fall apart in front of me.” His voice was stained with emotion, and it was breaking your heart to see him so affected by the situation. He was the more empathic part of your relationship and had a keen intuition for other people’s feelings, and you had given him such a hard time, constantly pushing him away. But you knew that now was the time to fess up, you couldn’t continue like this anymore.

So you talked, about the amount of stress you have been under, about how you snuck out of bed when he was asleep to go back to work so you wouldn’t worry him, how your boss was almost bullying you recently, giving you immense word loads, impossible death lines and throwing insults at you at every chance he got. You told Chris that you could barely stomach any kind of food anymore, and that the sole thought of going back to work on Monday almost made you vomit.

When you finished, Chris was speechless. Then he reached out and just gave you the biggest, tightest hug, peppering little kisses to your hairline and stroking your back. You allowed yourself to relax for what maybe was the first time in weeks, sinking into Chris embrace. You just felt safe in his arms, like nothing bad could ever reach you as long as he was holding you.

When you looked up to him, his eyes were so warm, open and full of love that you could feel yourself tearing up again.

“You.” Chris said, putting your face between his hands and bringing it close to his. “are the most brilliant, kind, dedicated and resourceful woman I’ve ever met. You are intelligent, gentle, caring and so committed to everything you do. And the fact that those people at your work managed to take away your joy makes me so incredibly mad. But this is not about me, this is about you. You have to get your perspective back, and your love for what you. I don’t know why you kept all this from me, but I don’t care, I just want to see you smile again.”

You were crying again now, but this time it was from being totally emotionally overwhelmed. You loved this man so much, and all that stress paired with your own stubbornness had clouded your judgement and prevented you from seeing that the help and support you desperately needed had been right in front of you the whole time.

“I love you so much, baby.” You sobbed, “and I’m so terribly sorry for the way I treated you. I just wasn’t able to see the horizon anymore, I feel like I am drowning, and I don’t know what to do.”

“You need to get out of there, Y/N. I know you poured your soul into this job, but it’s breaking you down and I won’t let that happen. I am going to help you with finding a better place to work. I won’t stand by while you lose your passion and your enthusiasm. I love you too much for that.” His voice was calm, but heavy with emotion. He was being serious, and deep in your heart, you knew he was right.

You just nodded, to worn down to utter another word.

He pressed a tender kiss to your mouth, and the warmth that spread to your body when you felt his lips on yours was like a bright burst of light after walking around in darkness for days.

“We are going to make a plan and talk everything through tomorrow, baby. For now, let me take care of you.” Chris said, stroking your hair and planting small kisses along the side of your face, down your jaw and neck.

His hands were stroking your sides softly and you sighed, leaning back into the sofa cushions, just enjoying the warm feeling of Chris’ love and attention.

His hands and lips were slowly making their way all over your body and you were getting softer and more pliant with every inch of skin he was exposing to his ministrations. When his feather light kisses finally found their way between your legs, you let out a breathy moan, burying your hands in his curly hair. His tongue and fingers teased and caressed you until you came apart under him, his name falling from your mouth over and over like a prayer.

Afterwards, he held you in his arms, whispering sweet nothings against your skin, how beautiful you were, how much he loved you, that he would never leave you alone. You soaked up everything, feeling a bit less broken and hurt with every word. You fell asleep in his embrace, at peace and knowing you could take on anything in the world as long as you had Chris by your side.

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