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coconutcordiale · 2 years

Text

steady pt three (i keep all my affection in a paper cup)

pt one | pt two | pt three | masterlist | prequel

pairing- rooster x female bartender!reader (no y/n)

synopsis-

You want to tell her you know how she feels, it’s truly unfair for someone to look this good with that mustache. There’s a bead of sweat rolling down his neck to his collarbone and you want nothing more than to follow it with your tongue. Alice looks like she agrees with you.

Completely unaware of his own effect, Bradley just swipes his card.

warnings- 18+ minors DNI, unprotected sex oops, light daddy kink/bradley bradshaw is a soft daddy dom that just wants to take care of his girl this is the hill i'll die on, overstimulation, oral (f receiving), lil bit of praise kink (can i write smut without someone -especially rooster- saying good girl, prob not), breeding kink if you squint but like...don't it's like half a line & i'm scared of kids so it's not really breeding kink idk, no kink negotiation here so not a good example of what you should do irl, brief mention of past infidelity (no current cheating)

length- 5.6k ish

an- i can't believe this is over this is literally the most difficult thing i've ever written, also for real publix sandwiches are the goat i wouldn't share mine with bradley. I’m sorry the end was so cheesy I hate myself lol ok ily all bye

this chapter title is also from only for a moment by lola marsh lmao i basically wrote 15k based on one song that's less than 3 minutes long

You slam the door a little harder than necessary when you get to the rental car.

“Did you get the closure you needed?” Bradley asks tentatively, probably wary of the chaos you know is simmering under your skin.

“Closure from another person is a myth,” you answer firmly. “Only you can give yourself closure.”

“So, no, in other words.”

You appreciate that he’s at least trying to keep the amusement out of his voice as you repeat his cheesy quotes back to him, but it's short-lived because everything feels too small, too suffocating in the muggy Austin air.

You almost don't tell Bradley, but a part of you recognizes you need to get the words out. That someone else needs know about you and Jake so it doesn't subsist only in your eyes, so it doesn't blind you as it disrupts your field of vision, bright spots of an incoming migraine.

“He said he’s in love with me.”

His knuckles go white around the steering wheel, and you raise an eyebrow.

After a beat he relaxes, tone frustratingly even. “Bold, considering he’s still married, right?”

“Bold,” you scoff. “That’s one way to put it. I didn’t bother to ask. No ring, but we all know how you pilots are about rings.”

“Why?”

You shrug. Because it doesn’t matter.

“I want to ask you something, but you have to promise not to get mad at me,” he continues, gaze fixed on the road.

Even though you know you’re unlikely to get mad at him, you grumble anyways. “No promises.”

“I’m not trying to sound judgmental. You obviously loved him. But can I ask, why you stayed so long? Wasn’t it excruciating?”

Loved. Past tense. You're surprised as you realize how true that feels, that Jake has maybe, finally, become someone you loved and not someone your heart still beats for.

“I’ve never been in a serious relationship before,” you admit, softly, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks. “At a certain point, maybe I started to think there was something wrong with me, a reason I wasn’t worth the effort of a real relationship. Like maybe what I had with Jake was better than I would ever get from someone else.”

You hear a pained noise from him, but barrel on, knowing if you don’t get the words out right now, they may live inside you forever.

“It wears on you after awhile. My guy friends are always acting sarcastic about it, wow must be so horrible to be pretty, so shitty that everyone wants to sleep with you. People say it enough, men confirm it with their actions, and eventually, you start to feel like that’s all you’re worth.

You shudder; you’ve never admitted that out loud before.

"I know what it looks like, but it was more than sex. I’d just never felt that way about anyone before.”

Bradley pulls into the parking lot of your hotel, but you’re staring straight ahead, admission having frozen you in place.

“I don’t know how to make you believe you’re worth more than that. Seresin was practically falling apart, and he hasn’t even seen you in almost a year, for fuck’s sake. Those guys that missed out on knowing you, they’re morons.”

He pauses and takes a deep breath, looks over at you and you feel his dark eyes burning into the side of your face.

“Cali, I—if you think he’s being serious, if you want to be with him, I know it’s complicated, but I have your back.”

Any ice that was thawing around you suddenly frosts again.

“You think I should try to work things out,” you say slowly. “With Jake.”

He flinches. “That’s what you’re taking from—fuck, never mind. I didn’t say that. I just want you to know I’m here for you, whatever you decide.”

Your stomach is sinking and you’re not entirely sure why.

“Thank you,” you manage to murmur, squeezing his forearm affectionately before getting out of the car, worried he’ll see the tears forming in your eyes.

It stays sunk as you get back to your hotel room, as you get ready for bed silently, as you bury yourself under the covers and turn your back to him.

He feels miles away in the other bed, somehow farther away than he does with a flight of stairs separating you at home in Florida.

Sure, a mini vacation to a wedding (even if it is to Texas of all places) is a little intense for friends, but that’s yours and Bradley’s thing if you’re being honest. You guys have spent the last six months being a little intense and over-committed. Being the only things to pull each other out of the dark places you longed to hide in.

You agreed to come, as a friend. It’s not like you guys pretended to be dating, it’s not like he didn’t introduce you to everyone as his friend from Florida.

You’re not sure when you started hoping for more, when you started thinking there was something promising constructing itself in the space between your apartments.

Rooster immediately knows it was a mistake to visit you at work. But you’re working the early shift and things have been so off since you guys got back from Texas. It’s like you’ve retreated into your shell, like you’ve put back on every layer he spent months peeling away.

You smile when you see him, but there’s something hollow in it, something not all there.

He’s pretty sure he overstepped asking you about Jake, but he doesn’t know how to bring it up again, how to apologize without making it worse.

He couldn’t help it; he saw how Jake looked at you. Understands how Jake feels, knows all too well the magnetic pull of you, the involuntary twitch of fingers to touch you. But the way you stole glances after you stopped panicking at his presence…well he’s fairly certain you’ve never looked at him the way you tried to hide you were looking at Jake.

He felt all the air empty from the room the moment you two were aware of each other's presence.

Bradley doesn’t know how to compete with a love like that.

Despite all that he can’t stay away from you, can’t spend another night in his apartment wondering what you’re thinking.

Unfortunately, that means he’s in a touristy tiki bar, politely letting a girl chat him up while you busy yourself making sweet cocktails with overcomplicated garnishes just out of his line of sight.

She’s pretty. And nice. She’s drinking a Jungle Bird which he knows you don’t detest making, so he doesn’t feel bad when she orders another to stick around and talk to him. She laughs at his jokes and doesn’t tell him he’s an idiot for not liking The Office. As far as he can tell (given that he met her about five minutes ago) there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her.

Except for the fact that she’s not you, of course.

She excuses herself to the bathroom and you make your way over to his side of the bar, wordlessly putting a fresh beer in front of him.

“You should ask her out,” you suggest. “She’s gorgeous.”

Bradley stalls, blinks twice. His tongue is suddenly sticking to the roof of his mouth. “You think so?”

You roll your eyes. Usually, he secretly loves how much you roll your eyes, the fire that’s always lit behind them. Loves the bratty disposition you manage to express with one little look. He’s always liked how expressive your features are, how he can read your mood before you even say a word.

Right now though, it just makes him uneasy.

“Everyone thinks so, look at her.”

“No—that’s not what I—” he stutters. “I meant, you really think I should ask her out?”

“Yeah, she obviously likes you. It’s not like she’s going to say no.”

Bradley hates the way his heart sinks at your suggestion, but nods anyways, choosing not to correct your assumption that he’s stammering with nervousness over this girl he just met. He desperately wants to change the subject, to make sure he’ll be able to see you outside of the shell you put on for work.

“I have your suitcase at home if you want to get it after work. Sorry, I forgot it was still in the Bronco when I left the other morning.”

When he left for work after carrying your sleeping form up to his apartment, not wanting to risk waking you by searching for the keys to your place, because you looked too peaceful for him to wake up after the flight back.

He forced himself to sleep on the couch, despite how pretty you looked in his bed, how badly he wanted to crawl in with you, tell his students he got stuck in Texas, and keep you in bed with him forever.

He walks home when you tell him you'll come by after Beth takes over, after Jungle Bird slides him her number on a napkin, hoping it’ll clear his head. Sits on the beach, watches the sky darken over the water. Wonders if he should play it cool and wait to text her. Wonders if he even wants to text her at all.

He knows he’s ready to date again after Lauren, has been for a while now, so eventually, he does text, because pining after you isn’t going to get him anywhere.

He thinks he can be your friend, if that's all he's going to get.

He’s just barely gotten through his front door when you knock, sweaty and red-faced.

“Just got back from a run,” you tell him, clearly having seen the question perched on his lips. You’re still breathing a little hard and it’s sending his blood in the opposite direction of where he needs it to be going.

The sweat dripping down into the valley of your breasts is giving him decidedly not friendly thoughts.

“You hate running,” he says instead, brows furrowed.

You shrug. “Did you make plans with the girl from the bar?”

He rubs the back of his neck, feeling awkward.

“Yeah,” he answers finally. “We’re going out this weekend.”

“That’s great,” you say flatly, immediately turning to leave, picking up your forgotten suitcase a little too aggressively, like it’s done something to offend you.

“Hey, wait, hold on.” Bradley reaches out for your arm, tugging gently and forcing you to stop in your tracks. “Are we in a fight right now? Is this about the wedding?”

“No,” you answer petulantly. You won’t meet his eyes, instead staring down at where his fingers encircle your wrist.

“No, we’re not in a fight or no, this isn’t about the wedding?”

“This isn’t about the wedding,” you reply through clenched teeth. “Not entirely, at least.”

He can’t help but let pride swell through him at your words, knowing a few months ago you would’ve lied about being fine until you were blue in the face.

It still feels like he’s taking a shot in the dark, a tiny flicker of hope igniting in his chest. “You told me to ask her out.”

You cringe, face twisting in pain like you just sucked on a lemon. “Only because you were pushing me to go back to Jake! I thought that was what you wanted. I thought—”

You’re breathing hard, but he’s pretty sure your chest is heaving with emotion, not from your run. Your mouth is open to continue when he says your name.

Not Cali. It sounds hard and serious as it passes his lips. You wince and he immediately feels bad.

“Stop,” he continues firmly, determined not to lose his nerve at the hurt crossing your features, willing himself not to get worked up and loud. “Don’t put words in my mouth. That’s not what I was doing. I know we went to the wedding as friends, but it’s stupid to deny there’s been something building between us for a while now.”

Your expression softens and Bradley knows instantly that you feel it too.

“I just didn’t want you to shut the door on Jake out of some obligation to me. I want you to choose me, for me. Not because I’m not him.”

He sees the moment it clicks for you, the second you start seeing how the wedding must’ve looked through his eyes.

“I’ll never go back to Jake,” you say quietly. “For lots of reasons that have nothing to do with you.”

Something inside him unfurls, anxiety sitting in his stomach loosening, but he’s not done, can’t be done, until his intentions are crystal clear.

“What do you want? Do you even know? Because I know what I want.” He grabs your arms, turning your body to face him fully. Hooks a finger under your chin, making you look up at him as he tries to gather the courage to say this next part. “And I can’t settle for anything less. If you want casual, I can’t give you that.”

“I don’t want you to go out with her.” It’s as good as an admission from you, he knows that.

Dark eyes warm as the beginning of a smile stretches across his face. His chest is lightening, warmth bubbling within. “How come?”

“You’re smart enough to do the math,” you mutter, rolling your eyes. But there’s a bright, happy tinge edging at the corners of your mouth.

He’s full-on grinning now, reaching to pull you into him by the waist. He tucks his face into your hair, so you won’t see the giddy expression on his face. “Tell me anyways.”

“Want you all to myself,” you mumble, lips ghosting over his skin to make him shudder.

You might have more to say, but Bradley used all his patience flying today and his hand tilts your chin to him, lips covering yours before you can make another sound.

You make a tiny mewl in surprise against his mouth as he grips you, tongue sliding past your lips and his blood immediately rushes south.

Making a face when Bradley manages to pull himself away from your lips, you look down at your sweaty sports bra. “I need to shower.”

“Shower here,” he suggests. “I’ll make us dinner. You can spend the night, maybe? And I won’t sleep on the couch this time? I promise I’ll behave.”

Bradley sees his hopeful eyes mirrored back at him when he finally takes a chance to look at your face.

Things are so shakily composed between the two of you, that he’s somewhat afraid if he lets you go back downstairs to your apartment you’ll spiral and come up with a hundred reasons not to give you guys a shot.

Maybe he’s being insecure, sue him.

You seem to understand where he’s coming from, the tenuous connection hanging delicately in the air between the two of you. Nodding, your fingers play with the hem of his shirt fitfully before you rush to his shower, like if you waited for another second you might not be able to peel yourself off him.

He inflates with pride at that too.

Bradley overestimated his abilities, probably, when he promised to behave. He didn’t think about how hard it would be not to think about you naked in his shower while he seeks out ingredients to throw together for dinner.

Didn’t think about how good you’d smell, fragrant with his body wash as you wrap your arms around him from behind.

Bradley’s movements are shaky, and jerky when he turns around to kiss you. He clears his throat, and only just barely keeps himself from running his hands underneath the baggy top that hangs off your shoulders. “Is that my shirt?”

You freeze. “I…yes. Is that okay? I didn’t have anything with me, but I can run downstairs…”

You say something under your breath that he can’t quite make out. Your face is completely unreadable and Bradley’s body flashes hot and cold every other second.

“No, don’t, it, uh, looks good on you,” he says finally when he’s pretty sure he’s not going to rip it in the process of pulling it over your head.

Bradley’s taking deep breaths, using grounding techniques. He breathes in through his nose, and out through his mouth. He knows you’re not trying to tease him. You’re not doing anything, not really.

This is Florida, everyone is scantily clad more often than they’re not.

If he’s going to behave, he’s going to have to tap into that self-control he beat himself over the head with every time he saw you in a bikini before today.

It’s just so much worse now that he’s allowed to touch you.

“It’s hard, with you looking like that in my shirt. I want to fuck you stupid,” he admits.

Your mouth drops open in surprise.

“But I think we should take things slow. I don’t want to mess this up by jumping in before we’re ready.”

His cock twitches when he notices the disappointment you’re not trying very hard to hide.

“Okay,” you pout. “You’re probably right.”

You turn to open the fridge, leaning to grab a water and his shirt rides up a little higher on your already bare legs.

Bradley groans, head falling back to stare at the ceiling. “Baby, you’re killing me.”

You can’t believe how much you hated Florida beaches when you first moved. The Keys are beautiful, with endless white sand and clear water.

You convince Bradley to stop by Publix on the way back, with promises of pasta for dinner. You really just want a sub to take to work tomorrow, but you’re not going to tell him that.

The poor cashier practically swallows her tongue when she sees Bradley, shirt open over his bare chest and covered in sand, sunglasses sliding down his nose that’s pink from the sun. He makes sure to look at her name tag and smiles genuinely at her when he asks, Alice, how’s your day going?

You’re going to pass out.

Completely unaware of his own effect, Bradley just swipes his card.

It’d be infuriating if it wasn’t so adorable.

This time you’re counting all the ways he’s not Jake, but it’s a good thing. Jake would’ve preened, leaned into smirk, just so he could see the blush rise on the poor girl’s cheeks.

It’s not that that’s bad, you know you do the same sometimes. Smirking at guys you know are giving you a once-over while you make their drinks, sparkle in your eyes because you don’t always hate the attention.

But it’s oddly endearing with Bradley, how he doesn’t seem to know the effect he has on people. Like he doesn’t fly multi-million-dollar planes for a living, like he couldn’t use that to get any girl he wanted in his bed.

He’s just being mean when you guys get to the car, flinging his unbuttoned shirt off and into the back of the Bronco and muttering something about tan lines.

Your mouth is watering.

When you get back to your complex, you snag his forgotten shirt and form a plan.

“Caliiiiiii,” Bradley sings as he bursts into your apartment. It’s a good thing you never listened to Beth about locking your front door because shirtless Bradley Bradshaw is a sight to behold. “Showered so you wouldn’t complain about—”

You hear him stop dead in his tracks at the entrance to your kitchen. When you look over your shoulder at him those plush lips are parted, eyes roaming over the back of you. You’re clad in one of his marginally less offensive button-ups (at least there aren’t any birds on it), thrown hastily over your bikini.

“How gentlemanly of you to shower for dinner with little ol’ me,” you giggle. “But I have to admit I haven’t had time for more than rinsing the sand off.”

He ignores you completely, tone accusing like you hadn’t spoken at all. “You’re doing this on purpose.”

You consider denying it but can’t fully hold back the smirk forming. “Well, you seemed to enjoy it when I wore your shirt last time.”

Bradley just nods dumbly.

“Anyways, don’t get too excited, this is one of three dishes I can actually make, but I thought we’d…” You trail off because he’s suddenly right behind you, crowding you so you feel the heat radiating from him as he brackets you with his arms.

“Nope,” he says tersely. “Dinner can wait. Turn off the stove.”

He turns you around so he can kiss you, slow and deliberate. His tongue slides between your lips assertively, hands tapping on your thighs as a sign for you to hop backward and up on the counter. “Tell me if it’s too much, okay?”

“Wait, what?” You ask, but he’s already on his knees.

You should’ve known then and there he was going to be nothing but trouble.

The first time Bradley makes you come, you’re still in the kitchen. He’s kneeling with his face buried in your pussy, skimpy bathing suit bottoms long flung behind him, lips curled around your clit insistently even as your thighs clutch his head in a way that must be uncomfortable. After all his talk of wanting to wait and do things right, it’s almost funny. Would be, if your mind wasn’t currently busy whiting out.

The second time, he drags you to the living room before you’ve had any time to recover and pulls your back against his chest in front of the couch. The tall mirror in the corner of the living room displays the absolute debauchery unfolding on the floor in the middle of your apartment.

“Keep your legs open, baby. You can do that, right? Be good for me?”

You’re nodding before you even know what you’re doing, head jerking up and down like a bobblehead.

“Fuck, look at you,” he croons in between the nips he’s determinedly pressing on your neck. Barely even a command, you still look up, watching your reflection as his lips trace across the top of your shoulder, mustache leaving red marks in its wake. One hand is busy tugging the strings of your bathing suit top loose so he can toss it out of his way, while the other drifts to tease your inner thighs.

Bronze eyes meet yours in the mirror and he grins, like the cat that got the canary. “Gorgeous, darlin’.” And then he pushes two fingers into you without warning, the stretch making you keen as your head falls back on his shoulder. “You’ve no idea how much I’ve thought about you like this.”

“Ohmygo—Bradley.” You turn your head to kiss him, but it ends up being little more than your lips slotting together and you moaning straight into his mouth as he fucks his fingers in relentlessly, your hands gripping his arms like they can’t decide if they want to pull him in closer or push him away, oversensitive as you are from his mouth.

You sink into him, into his hands, his grip. Let it erase the gravity that keeps you tethered to the ground, let yourself flutter high above the clouds.

You don’t even realize how close you are until he curls his fingers inside you to graze that soft spot, thumbing at your clit. His other hand palms your tit and tweaks your nipple at the same time his teeth close on your neck and you’re done for, letting it crash into you, cunt clenching around his fingers and back arching away from his chest.

It takes you a few seconds to come down, eyes closed as you blindly turn your head in search of Bradley’s mouth. He kisses you sweetly, but briefly and you make a noise of discontent when he pulls away. You open your eyes to glower at him but when you do, you see a filthy gleam in his eyes that warms you straight to your core like you didn’t just come twice in two different rooms of your house.

His fingers are suddenly pressing at your lips, and you watch his eyes glaze over as you take them in and suck, licking your release from his fingers. You’re suddenly very, very aware of how hard he is behind you, thighs clenching at the realization that he’s straining against his shorts, grinding against your ass because he’s so turned on from getting you off.

God, he’s so perfect it’s not even fair.

His digits in your mouth are giving you your own wicked ideas, about returning the favor as you wriggle your way around to face him. It’s a good thing his other arm immediately goes to support you because you’re pretty sure your legs are made of jelly.

He seems to read your mind, or maybe just the way your cheeks hollow around his fingers as you look down to the bulge in his pants, lips already forming wicked promises as he pulls his hand away from you. “Next time, baby. Need to be inside you.”

The high-pitched whimper that leaves you at that would be embarrassing if you could currently remember that you have downstairs neighbors. You can’t, though, so who cares.

“Want you to ride me,” he grunts. “Have to see how gorgeous my girl looks bouncing in my lap. Can you do that for me?”

To be honest, you’re not sure you can. It’s a 50/50 chance your legs will give out the moment Bradley stops holding you up, but you want to, want to so badly.

You nod anyways, figuring odds are Bradley will catch you if you melt into the floor, and he swings around so he can lay flat on the rug. His shirt slips off your shoulders, getting trapped around your elbows as you lean forward to support yourself on his chest. You’re about to fling it off when he makes a strangled noise, hands going to bring the material back up.

“Baby, please.” There’s a little whine in Bradley’s voice that turns you inside out. “Keep it on.”

That sweetness, that little crack in his dominance is way hotter than it has any right to be.

You make quick work of his shorts, biting your lip as you pull him out, his tip red and leaking precum.

“Christ, Bradley, this how you got your callsign?” You manage to mumble as he pulls you up to balance your hand on his chest again.

The bastard winks. “I know you can take it. Been so good for me, why stop now?”

Using your free hand to guide you, you sink down slowly, not bothering to hold in the moans at the stretch of him.

Stars are bursting behind your eyes that are squeezed tight against the intensity of it, your slick walls are oversensitive and shaking already. Bradley’s hands are clenched on your hips, trying not to move before you’re ready.

You roll your hips, starting to find your rhythm, and he groans, head thumping back against the floor.

When he looks back up at you his eyes are almost completely black. “Look so fucking beautiful bouncing on my cock, darlin'.”

He reaches up to grab your tits, thumbs brushing over your nipples just to make you squirm even more, before trailing his fingers down to your clit as he starts shifting up to meet the grind of your hips and it’s so much, too much, sending sparks straight through you.

You shudder. “Bradley—da—I can’t.”

There’s something knowing in his gaze, at your pace stuttering, at your half-formed words trying to claw their way out of your throat. He slows as you do, ever so slightly pulling his finger from your clit. “Need a break, baby?”

You bite your lip, refusing to meet his molten gaze, giving only a tiny shake of your head, trying to find your rhythm again.

When he smirks, you can feel it permeating the air around you. “That’s what I thought. One more, I know you can give me one more.”

He plants his feet flat on the floor behind you, giving himself the power and leverage to fuck you in earnest from below. You’re trembling, you know sounds are leaving your mouth, but you’ve no idea if they’re words at this point.

You’re not fluttering above the clouds anymore, you’re flying, speeding through, fast and hard and riotous.

Bradley’s voice is low and gravelly, but he’s looking up at you with reverence. “It’s okay, baby, you can let go. I’ve got you, gonna take care of my girl.”

“Daddy,” you whine, any sense of coherency, shame, or worry having left you two orgasms ago.

The sound that rips from Bradley’s chest at that is rough and guttural, hands going to your hips in a bruising hold. “That’s right, gonna come for daddy like a good girl, aren’t you?”

You’re nodding, babbling, keening yesdaddyyesfuckbradley— You dig your nails into his chest as it hits you. Electricity ripples under your skin, through your veins, dominoes cascading down and hitting every nerve ending in your body. It’s right on the edge of pain, body worn out and spent from tensing and releasing.

“Fuck, baby, so gorgeous when you come on my cock, gonna fuck my girl so full,” he grunts, big hands bouncing you like a ragdoll in his lap.

Even through the fog, his words hit you hard. “Fuck—please, daddy.”

His thrusts get shallower, wilder, before his back arches from the floor, mouth spilling incoherent praise, holding you down onto him as he spills inside of you.

You slump down onto him, the only sound in the room yours and Bradley’s heavy breathing.

You’re falling apart, body trembling and shaking, and you’re still on the floor. You’ve no idea how you’ll survive when Bradley finally takes you to a bed.

“Jesus,” he whispers. “And here I was thinking you couldn’t get any hotter.”

You flush pink immediately, wincing as you move to get off him, wetness sliding down your thighs. He scoops you up almost immediately, carrying you to the shower and mumbling under his breath about making sure to keep daddy’s cum inside of you.

“Oh my god, Bradley,” you whine. “I can’t go again."

The pasta is completely unsalvageable by the time you get out of the shower. He’s lucky you’re willing to share your precious sandwich with him.

When you see your downstairs neighbor the next day, she immediately reddens and turns on her heel to get away from you.

You’re back at the beach when Penny gets a call from you.

“Burning off some energy,” you tell her when she asks what you’re up to. “I’ve had a lot of that lately.”

“Should’ve just let me introduce you to Rooster from the beginning.”

“Who says this has anything to do with Rooster?” You ask, even though both of you know you’re lying through your teeth.

“Nothing wrong with being happy, honey.” You can hear her smiling through the phone.

“I might actually be happy?” You joke. “Is that what this is?”

“You guys are in the honeymoon phase. Every song on the radio is about you, neither of you can do anything wrong—”

“Oh, he does plenty wrong, believe me—”

Penny isn’t bothering to hide her laugh anymore, but her tone is still soft and caring. “It’s sweet. Rooster’s a good guy. He’s been through a lot.”

“He is. I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop,” you admit. “Wish I could just enjoy it.”

“It’s hard. You don’t give your heart away easily,” Penny responds like you’re easy to read, easy to understand.

Maybe you are.

“You wouldn’t be taking this chance unless he was worth it,” she adds when you don’t answer, too busy thinking about how maybe that mask you’ve always worn isn’t as opaque as you thought it was.

Maybe that’s fine. Maybe you really are as strong as you pretended to be with that mask.

That’s the thing about masks. Sometimes you realize they’re more a part of you than you ever thought. When you thought you were faking it the whole time.

“He’s definitely worth it.”

Rooster raises an eyebrow at you, having come back to the tree you’ve taken residence under.

“Talking about my other boyfriend,” you tease, trying not to get distracted by the swimsuit that seems to be riding lower than it was before he ventured into the water.

“Hand the phone to Rooster, I want to talk to him.”

You giggle, sticking it out in his direction. “Penny wants to talk to you.”

“If you think my loyalty here lies with you, you're sorely mistaken,” Penny says, warning dancing all over her tone.

“You don’t have to be worried, Pen.” Bradley looks at you, eyes warm, fingers drifting up your legs. “If anyone’s gonna get their heart broken here, it’s me.”

d a y 3 6 7

You don’t notice the date, but a year since you moved to Florida, almost to the day, you realize you’re in love with Bradley Bradshaw.

As it turns out, loving Bradley is like flying high above the clouds.

#rooster x you #bradley bradshaw #rooster smut #bradley rooster bradshaw #rooster fanfic #rooster angst #rooster x reader #rooster top gun #bradley bradshaw smut #bradley bradshaw fanfiction #bradley bradshaw fic #rooster bradshaw fic #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw x you #rooster #steady

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uhgood-girl · 7 months

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i haven't had a chance to fully form this thought yet so bear with me while i explore my own brain but my immediate response to this is i think two things can be true at the same time.

this is me playing devil's advocate with both you and myself, tbh. if you do not enjoy borderline pedantic over thinking, i recommend you turn back now.

i watched the entirety of standing next to you with my jaw on the floor. beyond seeing jk in what i would consider to be the epitome of his element, the arrival of all that experience and hard work and raw talent finely honed, culminating in the absolute pop perfection that is both that song and performance... well, i've made a joke on here before about my brains inability at this stage to not insert jikook into things. i could maybe help it if i wanted to (i can stop at anytime, says the alcoholic 🥴) but i don't want to because i'm having fun and i've made friends with the brain worms. they're my brain worms, who are you take them from me.

i have also mentioned jikook being it's own form of pattern recognition drug for mine, obviously, and probably other's more neuro-spicy tendencies. once you have seen and unlocked the code, it's really hard to turn the goggles off.

so let's talk about patterns. what is a pattern? a pattern is lmao no, i'm kidding, i don't think i need to define this for you but i guess when i say pattern here i'm referring to what a lot of people often call coincidences. (have i lost you already bc of this word? i know people throw it around often here, but again, bear with me) coincidences can become patterns if they repeat enough. how many coincidences does it take to form a pattern? three, i believe, is the universally accepted number but that feels so small when i type it out, much less think about it, tbh. but i suppose in the discourse of coincidences, something that reoccurs without apparent connection, (traveling strangers who keep ending up in the same cities together, you and your friend always texting each other at the exact same time, two people in a band who keep mysteriously referencing things that connect them in a particular sort of light) bc of the unlikelieness of their serendipitous nature, it makes more sense. and because i want to discuss this in a more tangible form and i believe humans to be meddling by nature, i think coincidences become patterns, beyond the number three, when intent enters the equation.

was that a very long way to say that despite the fact that jk didn't write any of the lyrics himself and is quoted in the article above as telling people to not take things too literally that i'm still going to intuit some autobiographical meaning from them? well, yes. i guess so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

because ✨context✨(glass closet and comp het in particular). a context that i fully admit i am abscribing to the situation myself but if you're reading this i assume you're already in this boat with me, it's your context too, at least tangentially (GUILTY, your honor) by association. the entirety of any jikook argument has to exist in this space and to have gotten here at all required taking some liberties, a certain reading between the lines that is a tightrope of wanting to respect what someone says outloud and at face value while being aware few things are ever black and white (minus the infamous couple in question bah bum tiss 🥁).

if it feels different to you bc it's something he explicity expressed, that's totally fair. i've been back and forth about it a few times myself and maybe i'll feel differently tomorrow. but rn, this is where i'm at and this is all just spitballing at the end of the day, no?

in an attempt to not be accused of only picking and choosing the lyrics that suit my (gay) agenda, it feels worth pointing out that the lines i find applicable to jikook are not literal. as in while i fully believe jk could probably do anything he set his big, beautiful heart out to do, leaving someone's body golden like the sun and moon is unlikely. ( the jikook relevance is in it's choice, why that particular metaphor) and despite being more in the realm of possibility, i don't really believe he's fucking seven days a week either. his agreeance to the use of female pronouns in some songs and even the women in his music videos are a. the comp het standard for this worldwide pop boy takeover (inarguably) and b. don't automatically negate any potential underlying queerness of the artist himself. so when he sings she (is there even anything in the lyrics beyond the pronoun itself that could only refer to a cis woman? hell, does "she" only have to refer to a cis woman in this day and age? jimin is v in touch with his anima these days, don't kink shame :P) I'm taking that as an artistic liberty the same way I'm taking something like it's deeper than the rain. and the latter rain line only stands out to me because, again, broader context.

he didn't write any of the song lyrics but he was there for every step of the production and still approved what actually made it on to the album. he didn't write there for you, the song in gcf tokyo either but i dare you to go find a jikook argument about that video that doesn't list that song and its lyrics as evidence. he didn't write them but it's definitely something he cares about and is very aware of. i doubt anything was chosen without some degree of thought. which brings us full circle back to coincidences vs patterns and intent.

do i think the lyrics a lot of us collectively recognized as jikook coded, even if you respectfully don't want to read that far into it, were a coincidence this late in the game? ain't no way lmao. our jikook roads are paved with these sort of "coincidences." you think they weren't apart of the appeal? helped boost it right to main track status? maybe if it had just been the lyrics, without any of the imagery in the video (i would love to know how much creative direction he had here too, i hope we find out) to back it up, but between that not straight red line of fate, the black swan like wings, the dancing in front of the sun painting, the two households, both alike in dignity, in fair verona where we lay our scene aka the forbidden love vibes, etc. - it's too much for this sad little hyper-fixated romantic queer, personally lol.

so, i think two things can be true at the same time! i'm sure a lot of the songs and their implications have no autobiographical meaning to them beyond a universally relatable conversation and narrative about love, i do believe him. i think based on all the responses and feedback his first releases got, making a statement such as the one in the article was a good? pr move if nothing else too and definitely in line with what we have come to expect around an industry that bts is both sort of moving away from but still restricted by at this stage. if you've read any of my other ramblings so far on this site, you'll know i operate from a place of the more smoke screen around all this (this being a potential romantic relationship between jikook) the better, bc at the end of the day i want all of bts more than anything safe, happy, and free to pursue whatever creative fancy they can dream. them building a level of plausible deniability into this sort of stuff protects them. i will remain a broken record on that point.

but bc of the larger context of jikook as a whole and my belief that jk is both clever and also a romantic at heart, i'm going to take these crumbs and go. 🚗💨 i'm not in any sort of who can be the more superior, rational delulu competition, we're all in our own little clown cars no matter your chosen dressings until proven otherwise. that's the nature of this whole shebang, bby. 🤠👉👉

def feel free to come respectfully argue with me though, i'm never here to convince anyone but i enjoy these conversations and i love other people's perspective. are you ignoring the standing next to you jikook bait?

#jikook #kookmin #she's back at it again folks #got a taste of being loud and now doesn't know how to shut up #in this essay i

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visualtaehyun · 1 month

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Tagged by @thegalwhorants here, thank you dear ✨ I love musical tag games but this might be the first time I've answered one where the results are extremely telling about me lmao

Shuffle your On Repeat playlist and then list the first ten songs!

Next Love by BADMIXY

youtube

P'Mix's MVs are always super fun and unapologetically queer and I love her as a songwriter! This song is actually over two years old but I first listened to it after ฟ้ารักพ่อ (DILF) went viral and she came out with her debut album that included this song. But I'm pretty sure I became properly obsessed with it after hearing the RnB arrangement that (surprise surprise 🤡) ZeeNuNew performed during the DMDLand2 concert. Also wanna shoutout that time New and P'Erk Chrrissa covered it together during a live session because it made me hope P'Mix might one day write a song for New!

ไหล่เธอ (You've Got Ma Back) by Fourth Nattawat, Ford Arun, Satang Kittiphop, Winny Thanawin

youtube

I love this show and the entire OST! Could I have just linked the official MV? Why yes of course, but that wouldn't showcase the chaotic energy of the MSP gang as well lol (if the video doesn't start at the timestamp, it begins at 8:45!)

Get A Guitar by RIIZE

youtube

Now this one's a real wildcard lmao It is literally the only song on my On Repeat that isn't written or performed by a Thai artist! I came across it through a KPop random dance vid so obviously I had to link the Studio Choom performance. The choreo is so fun and, to this day, some of my favorite KPop songs are funky just like this one. I don't know who this group is btw (like I literally only found out through this tag game that they're an SM group lol) since I stopped following KPop artists and trends when I fell into my lil Thai and QL corner here so sorry if I sound like your typical clueless local now 😂

รักแท้ (True Love) by NuNew

youtube

He's performed this song countless times by now but I chose this one in particular because it was such a huge stage and opportunity for New 🥹 The official MV currently sits at 68 million views btw

ภาพสุดท้าย (Last Twilight) by William Jakrapatr

youtube

Y'all. I was so obsessed with this song. Like I literally know the entire lyrics by heart. Since Pal reminded me of Piano & i, I had to go with this performance! :) I'm really looking forward to William's upcoming series - I love LYKN and Est Supha and am sure the OST is gonna be incredible.

꽃이 피는데 필요한 몇 가지 (Blooming Just For You) by NuNew, Paul Kim

youtube

The first time he performed this song live 💕

How You Feel by NuNew

youtube

Have I mentioned NuNew is my favorite artist 555 This is the song that did me in - it's the first song by a Thai artist that I added on Spotify after getting into QL via KPop -> DKZ -> Semantic Error -> other KBLs -> "Oh, let's watch another popular BL on Viki"... and now I'm here waffling on about Thai language and music lol

ใจรัก by Zee Pruk

youtube

P'Zee recently said he didn't enjoy singing before he met New but that he's found joy in it after singing with him a lot. And he's improved so much! My favorite will always be when he sings ballads and love songs like this one though. (fyi this song is like 40 years old so you might have heard it covered by other artists before)

ประตูวิเศษ (Better Days) by Jimmy Jitaraphol, Sea Tawinan

youtube

Aaaand check for another song off the Last Twilight soundtrack that I was obsessed with! What can I say, I'm a P'Amp fangirl lol The lyrics are lovely, it's easy listening, and this show occupied my brain for months.

ก้อนหินกับดวงดาว (Rock & Star) by Fourth Nattawat

youtube

Love this scene, love Chinzhilla, love these lyrics, I'm repeating myself lol you get the gist, it's a banger!

___

To sum up- 7/10 are OSTs, 5/10 were written by Amp Achariya, and 3/10 are by NuNew (+2 more made me talk about him). So now that I've been publicly clowned by my own Spotify, I'm tagging (no pressure ofc): @zimmbzon @pharawee @airenyah @telomeke @rocketturtle4 and whoever sees this and goes Oh hell yeh an excuse to talk about my fav music!

#tag game #thai music #badmixy #nunew chawarin #zee pruk #william jakrapatr #bella and the blorbos

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spookietrex · 2 months

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Story Time with Spookie!

So let me just tell you a kind of infuriating, kind of funny story about mental health hospitalizations. (If you're only here for the funny bits, stick to the last 5 paragraphs!) This is a true story that I experienced. Names have been changed.

Tw: sexual abuse, involuntary mental health hospitalization, stalking

So for context, I am an ambulatory wheelchair user due to hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, POTS, and fibromyalgia. I have severe PTSD from multiple incidents, borderline personality disorder, autism (but mask almost automatically due to my trauma. I did extremely well in society before my autistic burnout. I am now experiencing severe symptoms), shaking/tremors/possible seizures (current diagnosis is functional neurological disorder but I have severe cognitive decline. Now find simple children's math books complicated (spent 45 minutes on one problem today in a number puzzle workbook for ages 7+), severe depression/anxiety, but most importantly I have severe trust issues with medical professionals because they keep involuntarily hospitalizing me when I, my wife, my therapist have both told them it doesn't help. When I am triggered/scared, I have PNES where I can't walk. Like at all. I will fall and hurt myself. (I also have POTS).

So I go to the hospital got some unrelated reason and they decide that I'm suicidal because I have a history as a kid and I have passive suicidal ideation controlled by a therapist (my exact words). They keep me for 2 days at one facility no AMA (barely feed me anything I'll actually eat. I'm a vegan), only at certain times was I allowed to to have any comfort items (my fuzzy blanket, was brand new, my phone, etc), they make up lies and decide my health even when I am honest (lmao they literally wrote in my medical record that i threw up on purpose, but they focus on the fact that I use marijuana for pain. Even though I have my medical card.) then tell me I'll be moved upstairs to the psych unit to "finish my psych hold, " where my wife will be allowed to visit me for one hour two times per week. So I'm annoyed but whatever. I know the plan. They tell me they're going to move me at midnight; plenty of time for my wife to get back from work. Nope, they suddenly tell me at 9:30pm the ambulance is on its way to take me to the new hospital. I start freaking out but am doing my best to not do things that will make me stay longer. I make them wait for my wife to say goodbye and deny all my sleep meds and request an Ativan so that I do not have a major meltdown at the new hospital. The entire time, I am shaking nonstop. I am barely aware of my surroundings. I am sweating like crazy and the EMT is very concerned. I ask to leave but am denied.

We finally get to the hospital (10:30pm) and they hand me paperwork to sign in and tell me they will not engage with me unless I sign. I ask if that means I can leave. She says no. I am forced to sign the paperwork voluntarily admitting myself despite actively voicing concerns. (1:30am)

The nurse is nice enough but she is distracted because another man is actively detoxing. She asks about trauma history and because I am exhausted and hope it helps, I tell her about my messed up childhood and my story. She validates me and leaves due to another patient (3:00am) tells me she has to take the fuzzy blanket for now but I should be able to get it back. Another lady comes in to take the fuzzy blanket. I am having a meltdown and shaking so badly I can't stand. She tells me to hand it to her. I gently toss it to her because I can't move. She yells at me. I tell her I'm having a seizure andcan'twalk. She says "no you're not" I repeated that I needed a wheelchair. She checked with the nurse and came back with a wheelchair. (4:30am)

Ended up on the psychosis unit because I told my doctor I was seeing color swirls that weren't there. (Kaleidoscope vision before migraine) The nurses on the unit laugh in my face when I ask about the fuzzy blanket. (6am) The bed was uncomfortable and I had no privacy. At this point, I'd been awake 24 hours so I slept. I got in trouble for sleeping 🥴

The worst part and the reason for this story there was this male patient that arrived on like my second or third day. He just walked into my room when I was laying down reading and stared at me for a while. I screamed at him to get tfo of my room. My roommate heard me yelling and came to help. He finally left but muttered something along the lines of, "I can do whatever the f--- I want. It's my f---ing room." This alarmed me so I alerted staff. They rolled their eyes and said, "That's just Billy. He doesn't mean any harm."

The next day, I am in the common room talking to someone, Billy comes up to me multiple times after I tell him to please leave me alone. He writes down his phone number on a piece of paper and tries to give it to me multiple times after he sees me accept my roommate's information. It happens in groups. Staff does nothing. It's not just me he's bothering but he's clearly targeting and following me. Other people notice and report it to staff. He did this for a few more days before I finally snapped. I yelled. I yelled really loudly to get the f--- away from me. I said it multiple times (I wanna say like 10) and staff did nothing before my roommate (again) told them I was yelling and to get him away from me. They gave Billy a shot for that.

That night I couldn't sleep. I was rolling through the hall with my wheelchair around 3am and heard the sound of a male masturbating. I rolled myself up to the counter wanting pain meds because my entire body was in pain and Billy's roommate Lamar was up at the counter asking to use the bathroom because his roommate was masturbating in theirs. (Ew).

The next day was the night before I found out I was leaving. I spent the day talking to group members that I liked and exchanging contact information and coloring. He again tried to offer me his information but I stayed with an easy way out or a barrier between him and I. Billy went out for a cigarette break with the rest of the group around 6pm. I sat inside with Aqua. We noticed that there was some commotion outside. Later, we learned from another group member, Levi, that Billy had gotten close to a dissociative girl, unzipped her jacket, and grabbed her breasts. She tried to push him off of her but didn't have much success. Lamar saw this and punched him off of her. Staff shoved Billy back inside.

Okay for this next part: there were a few people who knew I could walk but most of the group members had no idea. I had a fall risk bracelet (I am). So I'm sitting in the corner with Aqua also blocked in. Billy comes charging in and beeline directly for me. I have had it at this point. I have told him and told him. I scream louder than I have screamed at this facility to get the f--- away from me. This does not work. I get louder and louder until I am filled with adrenaline and no longer give a shit about whether I fall on my face (but am pretty confident I won't). I stand and take a step forward and shout so loud that the smokers could hear me through the glass outside. Staff comes running. Billy is looking shocked and the only thing that comes out of his mouth is, "Hallelujah. It's a miracle. You can stand." I am seething and am ready to tear this man apart just as staff arrives to take him away. I sit down in my wheelchair and stare at Aqua, slow blinking, aghast at what just happened.

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hacked-by-jake · 5 months

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Imma done with duskwood lmao 😂 Too long waiting, I wrote my own ending and now I lost interest in duskwood xD I know they are a small group of developers but they must realize their fandom is slowly dying :( It's sad but it is the truth 🥺 I see so many duskwood writer going quiet or writing OG works....

Well, that's very sad. But I don't think the fandom is dying. Not at all. First of all, it's January, trust me when I tell you, it's always very quiet in January. It's a stressful time. While December for example is more way more active. People have more time and winter makes more people to stay at home etc. It's not unusual for this time. Nevertheless, I do understand a bit what you mean. Of course we're waiting for Moonvale for a longer time now, but I think it's understandable. At least, I was expecting a long time for it to come out.

And I'm pretty sure they're aware of it... I see enough people starting to hate on them, leaving mean comments on Instagram etc. They know we're all waiting and they also know people become more and more inpatient. And I guess it's for them as hard as it is for us. I don't know what is going on there at Everbyte, but I'm very sure if they could they would work faster. But I think they already use every possible second to work on it. I mean, for them it's their income, their way to earn money, I don’t think they can just put Moonvale aside and chill, haha. Maybe they even have a second job, I don’t know, we don't know about the circumstances. I'm repeating myself, but I am convinced that this situation is difficult for Everbyte as well. And I don’t think they themselves expected it to take that long.

Still, I understand what you’re saying and how you mean it, but now, I think losing interest in things is normal. It happens all the time. And especially since Duskwood has been finished for quite some time now, the hype disappears at some point, but with luck it comes back. I mean, have you ever watched a movie you really liked but then you had to wait 3 or 4 or even more years for the second part? You’re not as excited about the movie every single day as you were the first time. You wait, maybe you lose interest in time, as I said, it’s normal. When the film is released, when it is finally ready, the joy often comes back. The movie was released and then you can decide if you want to watch it anyway, if it is worth trying, or if you are not interested anymore. Both is possible. Of course it's sad if you're absolutely done with it but it's simply normal and I don't think you can do anything about it.

And whether there is a connection between Moonvale and the more frequent occurrence of original works that I can not judge. I rather think it's simply because it's way easier to reach people with writing fanfiction. So, you can write fanfiction, write things you enjoy a lot and then you're interested in writing something made by yourself from top to bottom. You already reached some people so if you're lucky, maybe they will also be interested in an original work. I know many writers who simply never dared to publish original stories. But if one persons starts to publish their work other might get the missing courage to do it as well.

And yes, it’s also true that many Duskwood writers don’t post that much anymore. Of course, it will also be due to the fact that everyone’s joy and the excitement decreases a little after a while. Just like it happened with you. And that's okay as well. But I can also tell you that some people don’t read as many Duskwood fanfictions as before, which can be very demotivating for writer. But it’s also that the time we live in is nothing but hectic and exhausting. So much is going on. Everyone has so much stress. Health problems became much more present. Time is simply the enemy for many, the exhaustion does not allow people to write because something else is always going on. But in every other fandom it is no different, absolutely not. But because the Duskwood fandom is so much smaller it just stands out much faster. It's much more visible.

It's just a hard time in general. :/

Please don’t get my words wrong. I don't want to sound mean or rude or anything. Really. And I do understand what you mean and sometimes I even feel similar. It's a pity you're feeling this way by now but as I said, it's nothing unusual. It's sad when you lose things that used to bring you happiness but I think you can do nothing about it. I just hope at some point your excitement will be back and maybe you're even going to play Moonvale. I think it is not good to force yourself to like something if you have really lost interest. And instead of Duskwood and moonvale, I hope you find something else to enjoy. 💚

Still, thank you a lot for sending this ask and especially for sharing your thoughts with me/us. It means a lot to me. And I hope the 'situation' will improve for you again. I hope you're doing good so far. Please take always care of yourself and stay healthy and safe. Have a good day/evening/night. 💚💚

#<3<3<3<3<3 #cute dw anon #hbj dw answers

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edalynn · 6 months

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ok an entire year later how do you feel about the owl house season 3........ i rewatched it recently during that one marathon and auhhhhh honestlyyyyy idk it was fineeeee...... the second episode fucking sucks every single time i watch it (other than the luz and camila scene) but i found myself enjoying "watching and dreaming" more than i did the first time. i think the parts that really mattered were fucking amazing, like eda & king & luz reunion, luz's "death" (seriously the music and animation was SO good), the final fight, belos' death. they did the best they could with the extreme time restraint, and i do like how it focused more on just luz and eda and king instead of Those Other Guys (said with love). but i can't believe how bad "for the future" was. it somehow manages to get worse upon every rewatch LOL. what are your thoughts? also hiiiii

HIII!!! I agree entirely, the parts of the episode that mattered were REALLY REALLY good! Everything involving the main story and plot were done insanely well with how much they probably had to cut out with the series being shortened. The final fight still gives me chills and while I wish we got to see more than we did, I'm satisfied with how the main story was wrapped up, and I'm happy that the final episode finally put all the extra side plots going on with the other characters to the side to bring the main three back to the focus like they were at the start of the series. Removing the episode from the rest of the disaster that was the second episode, I actually really enjoy it and like it. That being said, SERIOUSLY. Why was FtF SO FUCKING BAD. Every time I watch it, it makes me find more things to be mad at it for/dislike about it. Easily the worst episode of the entire series, it still feels so out of place and unnecessary. And half the episode feels like it recons certain characters' arcs just to give the episode some "villains". Which is stupid because Belos and the Collector ARE STILL RIGHT FUCKING THERE. Like, there was no reason to make Kiki still power hungry as if Belos telling her to go die in a hole and her helping King because she was just so broken at the end of it all during the Day of Unity never fucking happened. She was always fighting for Belos (and herself by extent, but), so why would she still be trying to rule people? That makes no sense in the context of the story. And Boscha begging Amity to take her back? Also makes no sense. Like, yes, it makes slightly more sense than Kiki, but only for the fact that we don't really see Boscha ever get "better" yet, she mostly just became irrelevant. Although, that' not entirely true either, because we see her being disgusted by Luz and Amity being romantic in the beginning of LR, so actually I take it back. It makes just as little sense as Kiki regressing back to her old ways, now with no purpose behind it. It just reads so much like bad fanfic writing from a 12 year old that just discovered Wattpad lmao.

And obviously, don't even get me started on the Willow bullshit from the episode. I feel like I've repeated myself a million times about how that episode fully put the anchor on the sinking of her character & arc. And the fact that they used Hunter as a way of doing it, which also made Hunter extremely OOC and made half his arc and growth meaningless. Just makes me SO fucking mad.

#taako talks #asks #toh #the owl house

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myfriendtheghost · 2 years

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alrighty, so I met Josh in mid April this year and honestly I have half of the interaction blocked off my brain cause I'm embarrassed as shit but here goes nothing. We met a bar and before my friend and I ran into them I had already drank a couple of shots and had a gummy edible that was kicking in, so I was a bit buzzed. So, my friend and I (who's also a greta girly) we go in and they are playing pool and we just walk beside them pretending we don't know who they are, while we are freaking tf out internally, and the bartender is yelling last call so we took a shot and turn back around they (josh, jake, and danny) are gone. We are like goddamn! cause we didn't get to talk to them and we get out of the bar and as we are walking down an alleyway there is a door with like lights inside, seemed a bit sketch, but we go in to drown our sorrows in alcohol. We get in and instantly I see josh with jita with a friend of theirs I assume, so I'm like this is a sign of the universe like be fr. My friend didn't notice him since she was getting a drink and the place was pretty loud, so I was like I'm going in. I don't know if it was the alcohol, weed, excitement, or dumbassery rushing through my body, but I just turn to josh and go, yooo I fucking love greta van fleet, your music makes me not want to die. He laughs and is like thank you, and after I introduce myself and my friend (she was in shock man the only thing she could do was smile and nod lmao we laugh about it now) I'm like when I listen to tbagg I see a movie in my head fr, and he seemed super flattered and giggly; then I go like what are you doing here🤨 (in the city I study in cause it seemed a bit random cause they didn't have a show there) and he laughs again and goes to my EAR and says, If I tell you I might have to kill you, when I tell you my body FROZE I was like sir? pls spare mercy sir. So I was like kill me then, and he giggles again and says we are recording some stuff enjoyng the city, and I was like I really like the trees here, do you like the trees? bruh WHAT KIND OF QUESTION??, like bffr and he was like yeah i do lol, and then I ask him if he knows spanish, cause our native languages are spanish; and he said that he took spanish in highschool but he doesn't really remember much, so I go, do you wanna know insults in spanish😏? BRUH??, he laughs and goes alright, so I was like ight what you wanna know, and he said some weird shit sum sum bastards, so we just told him to say something in spanish, and I kept high-fiving him for some reason? idk. After that my friend was finally able to say something to him and told him that she saw them in vegas with metallica, and I was like yeah we are going to see you in jacksonville in october, he was like no way cool! and so I go... play flower power in jacksonville or else 🔫 while pointing a finger gun at him. BRO EYE---? He laughs and was like well see😏, and my friend told him you guys should make a song in spanish and he said jokingly that they've tried that but didn't work out. And I as I said before, the place was pretty loud so he would constantly say, this place is too loud and motioned me to talk in his EAR? bruh when I tell you I died saw heaven, hell, god, jupiter, man I was dying inside gawddamn; bruh I felt his hair on my cheek I can die peacefully fr. So I ask him like, I hate to be that person but can we take a pic 👉👈, he said what? and I repeated the question, and he said what? and again said this place is too loud, and I was like don't mind if I do😏, and tell him in his ear if we can take a pic. We take it, and they came out sick, and finally he asks if he looks good, and I told him that he looks fabulous and he laughed and said thank you to us, and we were like? THANK YOU, sir wdym thank us? he looked genuinely thankful it was an out of body experience fr. And what I gotta say about him, the rumors are true people is he pretty shy, and very giggly, he was laughing at everything I said and I'm not funny bruh, maybe because I was making a fool outta myself but, idk. He is probably 5"5, no taller than 5"6 :)

SHUT UP OMG THANK U FOR SHARING THIS WITH ME 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 if Josh whispered in my ear I would be meeting Jesus as soon as it happened I’m so serious

#I was live reacting to reading this on my priv twt LMAO #I loved every second of it like seriously thank u for sending this to me #also I KNEW THAT BITCH WAS 5’6 #gvf #joshua #greta van fleet #josh kiszka #asks #anon #long post

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greatsylveon2007 · 8 months

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Rules: shuffle your 'on repeat' playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag ten people.

Thank you @thegreatmaddu for tagging me and allowing me to ramble about music <3

Tried my best to explain my thoughts on each song but my thoughts are not comprehensible to anyone including myself so I apologize in advance

My thoughts are also.. kind of long, oops

1 - Sharks - Imagine Dragons

"You're hot, then you're cold, you're a light in the dark, just you wait and you'll see that you're swimming with sharks"

I didn't realize I listened to Sharks so often.. oops. If I had to guess I would say it's definitely because of the instrumental, especially towards the end, don't get me wrong I like the lyrics and the vocals, but the instrumental right before the last chorus sounds awesome imo

Surprised that out of all imagine dragons songs I know, this is the one I listen to the most apparently,, that was unexpected tbh

2 - Doubt Comes In - Hadestown

"i used to see the way the world could be, but now the way it is is all I see and- (Where is she? Where is she now?)

HADESTOWN GRR

This was the song that introduced me to Hadestown I am so normal about it

Idk the vocals are so perfect and I think that the instrumental going on for a lot longer than it does in the rest of the Hadestown songs really shows how oddly silent the journey is for Orpheus. I adore how, despite the fact that Eurydice is literally singing right behind him, he can't help but feel like it's all a trick by Hades, The Fates voices are also so haunting in this one?? Even in like Wait For Me they don't sound like that for me, I love it, they sound amazing 100% of the time but this time they killed it

Orpheus and Eurydice's parts have such a contrasting vibe too, I can listen the colours of their verses what the fuck

Great song super recommend

3 - If It's True - Hadestown

"I believe that we are many, I believe that they are few (we're standing, we're standing, we're standing) And it isn't for the few to tell the many what is true (we understand him)"

Hadestown again,, I have so many feelings about this song aaaa I actually first heard a parody of it in a Shrek 3 video, so hearing the exact same melody and part of the same lyrics on stage was definitely a shock and it took a while for me to process LMAO

I REALLY like this song, it helped me write a character of mine and I just adore the build up as Orpheus starts a riot, the way the workers start singing louder and louder, the lyrics in general and Reeve Carney's voice are phenomenal, I adore this song fr fr

4- Who is She? (Reprise) - Centaurworld

"Who is she? She's the ghost of the girl I used to know. Who is she? She's the echo I'm chasing"

ONE OF THE BEST CENTAURWORLD SONGS MY OPINION IS THE ONLY RIGHT ONE - If I had to rank it it would be like, around the top five..

I listen to this song a lot while I'm having my Hope brainrots because this song represents her so well, I can't talk about it because it's spoiler territory though, I really should start Storm of Shadows 😔

Anyway uhh I love the way they incorporate lyrics from Who is She, What if I Forget Your Face and Rainbow Road into this, and Glenn's voice is so good I love everything she sings in, the instrumental also sounds like really odd but in a good way? I can't tell if it's a darker version of the instrumental of a previous song or not but it definitely gives off those vibes

5 - True North - Vocal Line

"We never learned to use a compass, we never learned to read these maps, we always yearned for far off countries, we never found a straight way back"

OO I listen to this one solely because of a Paranormal Order OSNI campaign PMV idea I have.

The song itself rocks though, the singing voices are so good, the way they're just so calm is kind of haunting in a way? Like the male and female singers always switching between each other and there being (I believe at least) always at least two singers singing the exact same thing at once just gives off a feeling, a good one probably, but definitely a feeling

6 - That Me Is Not Me - Tryhardninja

"Doppelgänger demon in disguise, eyes appear in shadows in the night, evil never dies, it multiplies, multiplies, lies"

"Oh so you're a Mandela Catalog fan-" no, ok so, you know how I just said True North is because of a campaign of Paranormal Order... This song is because of the Quarentena campaign KAMKDKSOS

THIS CAMPAIGN IS SPOKEN IN ENGLISH PLEASE CHECK IT OUT I AM STARVING FOR PO HUMAN INTERACTION

Anyway I've been blasting this song since the first episode on the 25th and it's a certified banger

Oh right the song, tryhardninja's songs just have a very specific vibe that I really like and I cannot explain, I really like his voice and the way he sings stuff idk,, I don't have an explanation for this one I just vibe really hard with it :)

7 - Epic III - Hadestown

"King of shadows; king of shades; Hades was king of the Underworld. But he fell in love with a beautiful lady; who walked up above; in her mother's green field; he fell in love with Persephone"

This is my uhhh third Hadestown song.. I promise I am normal about Hadestown (I'm a liar)

If I had to rank every Hadestown song ever this would be a strong competitor for first place ngl ngl..

I love how the song is cheerful and magic while recounting the first meeting between Persephone and Hades, but turns slow and melancholic as it leaves that memory and goes back to the present.

The way Orpheus uses his feelings for Eurydice to relate to how Hades felt about Persephone, even going as far as using lyrics from his duets with her makes me feel, and the ending where he says things about Hades that drove Persephone away that COINCIDENTALLY are also things about himself that drove Eurydice away it's just so AA

The show really hyped up this song and it absolutely delivered, makes my brain feel many things

(This is my way of begging you to listen to the Hadestown soundtrack)

8 - I'm glad you're evil too - Rachie, PalmMute

"We laught while staring down the void, and cry while listening to vocaloid, two lonely and broken souls messing around with their lives"

This song is just really sweet I like it :) Vocaloid and vocaloid covers just have this very specific vibe

This song is extremely Spook and Chaos core I love it so much I want to draw them being happy forever

To me Rachie's voice just sounds really good with the lyrics and the song is just sweet, it has an energy I cannot put into words and I'm just very normal about it. One of the few songs able to out "memes" into the lyrics and not sound funny

9 - The Goose & the Wren - Hop Along

"While the outcry of 20 men, run from the nearby batallion; as if we avoid their light, then we might make it home tonight"

Another song I keep replaying while thinking of an Paranormal Order PMV (specifically the OSNF campaign hehe)

I don't know I really like the more simple vibe of it? I especially like the singing voices not being your typically smooth crazy beautiful voices you normally hear in music, it gives it a very unique energy that I really like! It sounds like a group of friends singing with each other, I like that :)

10 - Not Evil - The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part

"I'm Queen Watevra Wa'Nabi, the most least evil person you'll ever meet; and if you make eye contact with me, I totally won't have you executed immediately"

While I was flying to the USA the plane I was in had The Lego Movie 2 and I had only watched I think the second half of it by that point so I decided to check it out, tragically this song got stuck in my head 😔

There is no deep super analysis/personal project reason I like this song, Tiffany Haddish is simply killing it and I like how it sounds (the animation definitely helped too)

I uhhh definitely do not know 10 music nerds on this site and the ones I don't know I have no idea if they have Spotify or not..... Don't feel obligated to do this 😔

@rosia4309 @cristallun @crysolis @i dont know anyone else lmaoo

#sylv rambles #hadestown

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taestefully-in-luv · 1 year

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Our time chapter 3!!:

I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot smh but anyway— the drinking. Misuk being all “of course,” about the fact that Jungkook took OC out for drinks to celebrate. My guess is that, after they (he & Misuk) got together, his drinking was a lot more obvious, for whatever reason. Idk if they moved in together? Or if it’s just because they spent more time together, but it must’ve happened a lot for her to mention it so much. Plus, whatever Jungkook was like drunk (I honestly can’t tell how much worse it gets, from the snippet we saw in chapter 6), I don’t think it was pretty because it rarely is.

Sexual tension, of course. I also wanna say that maybe, because Y/N is so sure she missed Jungkook as well (I can’t remember if it’s in this chapter or chapter 2), I assume that even 33 y/o Y/N with all her memories misses him, despite everything. (That’s what I’d like to believe anyway.)

Idk if you’d call it a motif, but I’m calling Jungkook’s hammering of wanting, needing Y/N to trust him, a motif. In the last chapter, he cries when she (Y/N) says she trusts him. This chapter, he makes her promise and then also says that she’ll probably break that promise. This 100% has something to do with Nabi and how that had an influence over what happened to baby Haru.

Also, JK mentions how the only time Jimin smiled was when Y/N popped by the office. Idk if this has any significance, but I also believe that any detail mentioned is deliberate, so I wonder if that means that Jimin has a soft spot for Y/N? Maybe he liked her? He obviously knows about Jungkook’s drinking because he warned him it was going to fuck over his relationships (ch.6), so maybe he was bitter about the fact that Jungkook got the girl? Idk, that’s a theory pulled out of my ass but whatever 😭✋🏻

I still don’t know if the case they’re (JK & JM) working on is about Haru’s disappearance? But that’s what I assume it’s about, because I think it’d make sense, if we consider how Jungkook might feel guilty about Haru’s kidnapping. I also wonder if the reason JK keeps hammering on the trust is because he maybe expects Nabi, or Nabi was close to the case and that’s why he kept seeing her? And, because it’s part of the case, he can’t tell Y/N about it? But then again, I can’t remember if Y/N states in later chapters that she positively 100% saw them tangoing? Or if she just suspects it because she found evidence of them seeing each other behind her back? Idk. As I mentioned before, my memory is ass </3

Once again, believe that’s all.

Much love<3

🤍🤍🤍

chapter 3:

1. yes there’s little hints for sure from other characters especially misuk since she doesn’t currently approve of jk!

but to clear up any possible confusion: jk didn’t have a drinking problem in college when he and misuk first dated! so when she refers or hints at anything that she has a problem with, it’s most likely going to be about the 9 years time that yn doesn’t remember!

2. i think we would all like to believe that too~

3. i would 100% agree with this. he is nervous. and it’s obvious. he wants to drill it into her head that she can trust him and he also wants that reassurance bc in his reality, she doesn’t trust him. and that breaks his heart and since he knows how things turned out the first time, he’s not extremely confident 🤷‍♀️ and well, as we see in later chapters, he had the right to not be confident (but he kinda did that to himself) (lmao i’m laughing for using the word “kinda” when he definitely did it to himself)

4. hahaha it’s not a bad theory! but i can’t confirm nor deny at this point in the story 🤧 jimin is an important character though because—*gun shots*

anyway

5. yn says she isn’t sure if her memories are from being in person, picture, video…she isn’t sure but she knows what she knows—she can see certain things but that’ll get explained more in the coming chapters

but also, there is so much more than we know and we will only now just get introduced to the true story of what’s going on! and these questions will have a more direct answer hehe

#our time

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egokillr · 1 year

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I just danced around ofr 30 mins listening to collide w out tyga reverb and sped up, my mindset playlist Blasting as well while repeating my affs in my head. As time passed it became easier to say the affs and I started to believe them.

I see what yall mean when you say you change your self concept in a day. I don't even follow neville's teachings anymore but I came across a few quotes that resonated w me and I finally see what he means and why you tell us to persist:

“Although you may now seem to be what you do not want to be, all you need do to change it, and to prove the change by circumstances in your world, is to quietly assume that you are that which you now want to be, and in away you do not know you will become it.” and “The best denial is total indifference. Things wither and die through indifference. They are kept alive through attention.”

I prefer to continuously tell myself I have what I want rather than do any methods and such bc it's worked for me before and I was so mad at myself bc i remember asking someone on here if manifesting is just telling yourself what you want to hear and they denied it so I was like oh okay. IM MAD AT MYSELF BC I SHOULDVE IGNORED IT LMAOO. I manifested wifi back with, just telling myself it'll come back on whenever I thought of it. Nothing else. I was shocked lmao. I found my way of manifesting so imma get a new self concept so I won't worry anymore and pay attention to undesired stuff.

ooo thats so fun 🥹💭 its so true that it doesn’t take time to transform your self concept. it just takes a decision/ realization that you’re already god. you can change who you are in the snap of your fingers! isn’t it cool!

“the best denial is total indifference…” this is so true- as well as “let the dead bury the dead.” some things are harder to ignore, however, focusing on the desired state will basically cancel out the old state, if that makes sense! plus, its much more fulfilling and enjoyable to stay in the wish fulfilled.

bro who is out here overcomplicating the law 😭😭 because naw you’re right. all you need to do is persist fr!! you got it anon, keep it up 😙😙💗💗

#vic talks

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bylertruther · 1 year

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what do you think about "my life started that day we found you in the woods"

lets start with my knee-jerk reaction, which is

but then when i finally let the all-consuming mama bear spartan rage flow through and out of me, i remember that they had no idea what was wrong with el or how to help her as she seemingly choked to death right in front of them.

they'd dealt with something similar once when will was possessed, though, and will remembers that it was mike and his family professing their love for him that gave him the strength to fight back. so, naturally, he urges mike to do the same now, because he thinks it would mean more if it came from him. he's the heart after all.

we know based off of mike's own dialogue in scenes from other seasons that he doesn't believe in love at first sight. he even repeats as much in the van scene before they pick her up. he says that lie, along with everything else, because he thinks it's what she wants and needs to hear. he's not thinking about anyone or anything else in that moment, he's just locked in on saving her life right now by any means necessary. if will, the person he trusts most in the world and who told him it was him that saved him, tells him this is a time for monologues just like last time, then that's what he's going to do. mike doesn't actually think their love is like that of fairy tales or comic books, but he knows that she wishes it could be and that she'd been previously begging him to say i love you and according to will apparently needs him, so he just does what he can to help her now. because he doesn't want her to die! and he doesn't know what else he could possibly do! (the true love confession worked in s2 but did not work in s4 bc it wasn't true and it wasn't true love <3)

mike's confession is a knock-off of the one he gave will in the shed and will's van confession. "my life started that day we met you in the woods" / "do you remember the first day that we met? [..] it was the best thing i've ever done." like... c'mon, mike, lmao. he highlights her differences and puts her on a pedestal for them, because will's confession ("you make her feel like she's better for being different") led him to believe that that's what she wants and what gives her strength, but it isn't. it's literally the complete opposite and this season spent 39480938094830 years showing us in 9834309840930 ways just how much she hates that shit. instead, the person that gave her strength was the one person that looked at her, saw a girl, and treated her like one. aka, max. it's only when mike she looks over at her and mike stops lying that she wills the vines away.

so yeah. i could go on but the tl;dr is that will's heart-shattering, kicked puppy dog face makes me want to kill myself fifty times over and bite michael like a squeaky toy, BUT. then i remember the context and i'm like oh yeah no. that tracks. makes sense that he'd say that. he's breaking his code to save her life, which is like.. really fucking serious lol. he repeatedly and firmly did not want to lie to her about this and refused to even when pressed, but he'll do it if it means saving her life and the alternative is her dying and the world dying too. he's also working off of a big lie told to him by the one person that he trusts more than anyone in the entire world, including himself, that's the complete opposite of how eleven actually feels. so, like. literally what else is he supposed to do. he got in trouble for plagiarizing an essay in s2 and here he is doing it again smh old habits die hard i guess regurgitating and trying to imitate intimate moments of his and will's for eleven just like he did in s3 when he tried and failed to tell her he was acting like that bc he was going crazy in "love" lmao 🙄

#i get sad when i think of will not knowing the full story bc he's a character #same with mike tbh he's just trying his best while getting lied to left and fucking right can't do shit right in this fucking bitch #but then i Remember and Realize and i'm like lmao u guys are soooooooooo funny making urselves miserable for nothing xoxo #asks

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atherix · 2 years

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Hello hi good evening, I am having some Thoughts and Feelings about the latest midnight chapter and I thought I would share.

First of all: aaaah adkjsahkjahdasjkhd

With that out of the way, some more coherent thoughts.

I love the way the cultural/class differences between Grian and Scar are highlighted in the camping conversation. Just a really good character moment for both of them. And also? Scar knowing about the greenhouse project? Scar knowing specifically because Grian just asked him about his theoretical dream greenhouse? I love them all dearly, they are all gay disasters <3

Scar being like *talks about that time he was ready to sacrifice everything so his son could get home safe* *talks about the times he took his son camping so they could bond* *talks about how he taught himself to cook for his son* and he still doesn't think he compares to his own father? My dude. Scar. I love him so much but pls.

*Taking notes on all of the new fae lore*

I love the sentence "They glimmer with Fairy and firelight, and for a moment Grian isn’t sure if the golden glow is reflection or magic." It's so evocative and such a good use of the third person pov. There's several other examples of that I could mention, this one was just my favourite. I stopped to read it out loud several times over.

Really enjoying how Grian is once again surprised Scar treats him differently now that they're together. Man is really like "wait there's boyfriend in this boyfriend???" Love that for him 😂

Oh and speaking of Grian. Really eyeing the way he always reacts so strongly to fairy lights. It is very Interesting. I mean, definitely fits his character, but I am also always a little suspicious of you and your amazing foreshadowing.

I love love love fae characters being deceptive and cunning and uncanny, and anything that shines a light on how disturbing their suggestion magic can be, so I was eating this whole thing up. Scar getting to be cool and powerful, while the story also makes it very clear that he is still holding back because some things are Too Far. And the fact that he can still be pushed to do it? Yes, amazing, stunning.

On that note, I am also encouraging your writing the Scar's adventure aside, btw. I love how you write Scar doing magic, and how you handle his character in those moments. It's always so evocative.

Lastly? I adore those moments where you can tell that Mumbo and Grian are slowly going from being Tubbo's dad's boyfriends to being his stepdads. The way he complains about them flirting the same way he complains about Scar flirting with them? Good (but also poor kid 😂).

In conclusion: I am once again asking everyone to go and read Midnight.

hgdfjkgfjk <3 I love to hear thoughts and feelings even if I take forever to get to answering them <3

beautiful, eloquent, couldn't say it better myself <3

I absolutely love contrasts, it's so fun to write about them <3 Especially since Scar and Grian were raised in similar yet extremely different environments and just hjgfdhjk The ONLY time Scar isn't oblivious to something is when Grian hopes he will be LMAO. Flirt with him for a couple months and the man won't think "oh gee I think maybe they have feelings for me" but ask him about his theoretical dream greenhouse and "Ah I see what they are doing here" hfdjh

Scar loves his father more than he has ever loved himself </3 He can't see that he is repeating the cycle just as good a father as his was </3

I am always happy to toss out Fae lore. I have a couple more Fae lore points that will come up in the next few stories 👀 Including a Fae story hehe-

I am a poetic bitch and I LOVE writing lines like that <3 I have been known in other fandoms to write lines that wham people so I'm glad to see I can continue that here hehe-

"Wait there's boyfriend in this boyfriend??" WHEEZE jkfgdsjkfgjhsd I cackled at this omg but it's so true. Grian really over here forgetting for a whole minute that Scar will actually respond to him flirting/his advances now because he's allowed to lmaoooj hjkfd

:) Well I mean it DID lead him to getting kidnapped before so uh :)

Hehehe when you really think about it, the suggestion magic all Fae have.... is really quite disturbing. It was used to kidnap people in the past, used to lead people deeper into the woods to never be seen again.... and I am excited that I get to explore the more disturbing and less sorcery-feeling side of Scar's magic now <3 I mean certainly it doesn't mean something that NOW he's started letting his more Fae-ish side take precedence... hmhm I love him <3 something something humanity and human isn't the same something something it's not the how it's the why something something-

hehe how could I not write this :) So he doesn't cast his magic like he usually would in this little fic, he is 100% using Fae tactic here instead of his typical Fae-Sorcery mix, buuuut... hehe-

Stitch and I made a joke about the moment Tubbo realizes he has three dads, not one, but I can't share it because it is MAJOR spoilers. But :) Just know that Tubbo is the last person to realize LMAO but I am having so much fun writing the evolution of their relationship hjkfdg

hhh <3<3<3

#ask #Midnight Series #Hermitshipping #Mumscarian #I'm hesitant to tag your username bc anyone looking up the Dr Who character will see this LMAO

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thesquishypenguin · 1 year

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“My mind doesn’t make conversation” RE: talking to people with voice

I wish I could find more results for this that didn’t boil down to “You’re too busy focusing on/worrying about yourself” “You have anxiety” “you’re not familiar with the person”

Even with my closest friends, I have nothing to say.

It bothers me a LOT sometimes, but I’ve yet to find any kind of explanation for it.

I can sit for hours and hours on a call with friends, and often even when they have things to say my responses are short and I can’t seem to find or form my own opinions without needing time to go and research and get back to them etc.

My co-workers chat at? to? me on and off, but I rarely ever find anything to say back. I never have a topic to talk about to them in return. I can quite literally stand there for hours and not say hardly anything to them, to the point where I feel like I have to tell people I meet that I’m quiet and don’t talk much, but it‘s not because I’m NOT interested.

Yet I can chat on and off all day about misc things with people online over text. (Still, usually I only even message someone if I have a SPECIFIC THOUGHT tm aimed at them, or they’re a best friend that gets my every waking moment sent to their DMs lmao)

It’s absolutely not true that I’m “too busy worrying” about myself or something else. Again this applies even to people I’ve known for years, via voice or actually physically in person. I’m comfortable around them and I enjoy hanging out and seek out their presence as much as they do mine.

then I have other misc. things like social norms, that’re part of talking aren’t apparent to me. My co-worker made fun of that I never ask him BACK how he is, when he asks me. Because it doesn’t really occur to me to repeat it back to find out. Not because I don’t care, but because i guess it doesn’t come naturally. Now I have to remember to ask every time, lest I be seen as rude. Sometimes if I do have a thought/something to say mid conversation, it’s taken me so long to think of it and I’m waiting for a gap to speak, that the conversation is suddenly on something else that’s completely unrelated.

idk man my brain just doesn’t work right and it annoys the fuck out of me.

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inkykeiji · 2 years

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hey clari! i hope this doesn’t sound weird but i just wanted to say i’m so proud of you for responding to so many asks lately! i can see your progress nd i am so proud of u n i really hope i can make the same progress one day as well. for a loooong while now i’ve been repeating the same negative cycle and it’s so hard to just get out of it. every time i feel like i’m making progress something happens and i start all over again….(n it’s really fucking annoying!!!!) but i’m still trying!!! :/

i’m still working out the kinks of finding a good and mellow-paced daily pattern for myself but everything seems like too much lol nd i cant muster up the energy to do the bare minimum most of the time….i was wondering (if you’re ok with it) if you could share your daily pattern or routine.

you totally don’t have to!! i just thought it was worth a shot to ask lol

anyways…i love u n im so very proud of u! keep moving forward!!! u got this <33!!

hello anon!!! (´∀｀)♡ fair warning, this answer is extremely long lmao

it absolutely does not sound weird, omg!!!! it made me feel so happy and warm and giddy inside to hear that, thank you so much for telling me!!!! <33333 genuinely, i cannot tell you how much i appreciate this message <3 i’ve been working really, really hard to get back to the level of productivity i used to be at, as well as just working extremely hard to heal myself and learn how to healthily deal with my mental illness.

it is extremely difficult to break that cycle and i empathize so deeply with you, anon bb :( it requires a lot of self discipline, optimism, and motivation, all of which are especially hard to come by when you’re in the middle of an episode or stuck in a rut or a bout of sadness/icky feelings :( i want you to know that i believe in you!!!! i KNOW you can do this, i have complete faith in you, and i know you WILL succeed.

i’ve been going through exactly what you described—beginning to make progress, and then something happening and forcing me to begin all over again—for almost a YEAR now, so i completely understand how incredibly frustrating that is. it’s difficult not to lose hope during times like that, where it just feels like its some sort of endless, vicious cycle, and we’ll never break free of it. but i have personally broken free of that cycle once before, and now, i am going to do it again. and if i can do it, you can definitely do it, too!

first of all, i want you to know how proud i am of you!!!!!! it takes so much strength and bravery to continue trying in the face of all of this, so already you’re doing incredible. that’s an amazing feat all in itself and i want you to give yourself a pat on the back for it!!! no matter what’s happened, you still haven’t given up, and that says so much about who you are, your resilience, and your determination. it’s such a cheesy saying but it’s so true: the ONLY failure is the failure to try. every time something happens, you can look at it as a learning experience. this week my therapist said this to me, and it really helped, so i want to repeat it to you, too: she told me that every challenge, obstacle, or mistake we encounter is merely another opportunity to learn, to gather more information and to use that information to make ourselves better. it’s a very positive way to look at it, but it’s also TRUE.

she really likes to use the analogy of a scientist testing hypotheses through experiments: every time a scientist’s experiment fails, or proves their hypothesis wrong, they have learned something, they have failed better, and they can take this information to help themselves improve in their next experiment or endeavour. if you can, try to think of your life this way, as well. i can give you a personal example: i often have the tendency to set myself up for failure by expecting WAY too much of myself right off the bat. when i was first trying to get back into being active on my blog every day, i had set a goal of ten asks a day for myself. it seemed reasonable at the time, because before i had been answering 10-30 asks a day, so i figured i could totally start out at this threshold and work my way up.

it turns out, i completely forgot to factor in the fact that i am much more sick than i was when i was answering so many asks a day. it was akin to breaking your leg, resting until it heals, and then immediately trying to run a marathon the moment the cast comes off, instead of building up muscle and stamina gradually. i realized this, and lowered my goal to five asks a day. it turned out that that was also too many at that current moment, so i have set my goal for one ask a day. i have put the bar an inch away from the floor, because at this current moment in my life, this is where it needs to be. it isn’t there every single day, and it definitely won’t be that low forever, but at the moment i need to set goals that are consistently achievable, things i know i can do every day without being overwhelmed or getting so scared i just don’t do it at all.

so that’s my first piece of advice for you. give yourself goals that are easy to achieve, things you know you can do. my goals for every day are: answer one ask a day, work on a piece of writing for my blog for one hour a weekday, work on a piece of personal writing for one hour a weekday, practice cursive writing for 15-30 min a weekday. they are all small and most importantly ACHIEVABLE goals. here’s the secret: more often than not, once i start, i actually end up doing more than that, because i feel like i can, or because i WANT to. but the reason why setting these easy, achievable goals is important is because on the days where you truly, genuinely cannot do more than the bare minimum, you will still feel this sense of accomplishment, because hey! you did it! you did the one thing you set out to do, and that’s so much better than giving up or not doing anything at all, even if it is really small. ANY progress is better than no progress at all. ANY progress, no matter how little, moves you towards your goals.

my second piece of advice for you is to set up rewards for you achieving your goals. this is where your self discipline really comes into play. this is something i used to do in university and it helped me SO much. i would make a deal with myself: read these three articles, or write a few pages of this essay, or do two hours of research, and then i will allow myself to hang out with friends/go shopping/watch a film/play a game/etc.

for me, right now, my reward for myself is playing genshin (LMAO). it is the hyperfixation currently occupying the most of my mind—all i want to do is talk about it/play it/write about it—so i make myself a promise every single day: achieve your daily goals, and you can spend the rest of the free time you have playing the game. if i am able to achieve my goals consistently every day, monday to friday, then on the weekend i treat myself to something small—i either buy myself gems, or this weekend i bought myself a lil plushie hehehe c: but the point is, make the reward something you really want, and hold yourself accountable for achieving it.

i went to a prestigious uni, and they really beat into my mind that i’m completely worthless all the time unless i am constantly doing work. this makes enjoying relaxation time extremely difficult, because i feel disproportionately guilty. i’ve found that setting these goals with rewards helps lessen this A LOT.

so anyway, these are the techniques i’ve been using recently. my therapist also has me check in with myself every single morning; she says its very important to track things like our mood and our energy, as well as other factors (sleep, environment, stress, etc) so we can catch burn-out before it happens and take those extra rest days when they’re required. that isn’t lazy, that’s called taking care of yourself and being kind and compassionate to yourself—and it’s a responsible thing to do. some days i really can’t answer more than one ask, and that’s okay, because at least i’m doing something.

just the other day i had to bring down one of my writing sessions from an hour to 30 minutes, because i was having such a terrible day and an hour just sounded way too daunting. but guess what? i began my session, keeping in mind that i was only going to do it for 30 minutes, and actually ended up writing for an hour and a half! sometimes you will genuinely surprise yourself, and honestly 90% of the time it’s only starting that’s the most difficult. on the days where i’m having a really rough time, i remind myself how important this is to me. i remind myself how much this means to me, how special it is, how much i truly DO want to do it, how good i feel when i achieve something, and that usually helps me push through and get started.

it’s so important for us to be flexible with ourselves and give ourselves what we need when we need it. i think that as long as we’re continuing to try, then we’re succeeding. adjust accordingly!!! for me, i know that being productive makes me feel really, really great, so even on those days where simply getting out of bed and making food is difficult, i still try to at least tick off ONE thing on my goals list. that way, at least i’ve done something, even if it wasn’t everything. it’s still a step in the right direction, you know? there are also days where we really do need to take a full break from everything as well, and that is okay as well. only you know what you need <3

you mentioned having difficulty doing the bare minimum; maybe your bare minimum is still set too high for where you are at this current moment. is there any way you can bring it down even lower? even if you have to bring it down to just one thing a day, that is STILL progress and that is still success, and it will still help you move forward and built momentum. start as slow and as small as YOU need to, anon <3 you are doing what is best for you, and there is absolutely no shame in that. if your current bare minimum is still too much and too overwhelming, bring it down even further. make it the barest you can. because doing the barest you can is still so much better than doing nothing at all and feeling all crummy because of it!

the last thing i wanted to mention is that i try to do something meaningful to me every single day. just one thing, it doesn’t have to be big, but it makes me feel good and it helps keep me rooted in this current moment as well as helps me appreciate everything i have more <3

waaaah okay i know this is SUPER long but i hope this helps at least a little, anon bb <333 i have so much faith in you and i KNOW you can do this!!!! if you have any other questions please do not hesitate to ask <3 i love u so so much and i’m so thankful to have you here with me!!!

#like 1800 words long #waaah i just wanted to make sure i was explaining and coming across as clearly as possible!!!#but anyway sweetpea that's what i'm doing at the moment <3 #i genuinely hope this helps you <33333 #ily sm!!!!!!!! have a wonderful sunday and stay safe + hydrated!!!#inky.bb #clari gets mail

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