#says ‘some time later’ bc im laughing at myself and also i said they had been kissing the whole time it took me to get to the next part | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

analogwriting · 3 months

Text

Childhood Crush

Chapter 15: Bronze

Killer x gn!reader word count: 3.5k a/n: this part ended up being almost 7k words so i split it into two, so y'all getting a twofer (two for one - 241 - all that jazz) also relentlessly puts asking alexandria lyrics in it bc im still in mourning next

There wasn’t exactly a plan on dealing with Kese perse, but everyone agreed to let you take care of it for the most part. Everyone was going to act normal until you made your move. Follow your plays and whatnot. Though, Eustass just wanted to kill the fucker. He was beyond pissed - which was understandable. You’d also be so astronomically livid if someone lied to you about your brother dying only to find out he was alive the whole time. Even Killer seemed to be on the bandwagon for kill first, ask questions later for a little while.

But, you wanted to get answers first. Maybe it was just morbid curiosity. Maybe it was because you wanted to take his life with your own hands. Or maybe it was just you wanted to put absolute fear into his being. You wanted to see him beg for his life.

Shit, you didn’t know what you wanted. And there was no telling how you’d really react when you saw him either. You couldn’t help but feel a growing anxiety. Everything he said back then was hitting you right now. While you didn’t exactly believe them anymore, you remembered the pure devastation you had felt when he had said them. You couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory.

“What’s so funny?” You were pulled out of your thoughts as Eustass spoke. You were still stitching him up as his injuries were a bit more on the serious side. It was just the two of you as the others gathered and prepared themselves for heading back to the ship. “Just thinking about what Kese said before I left.”

He stopped, looking at you. “Wait, he said something to you? What?”

Right. You never told him all that. You sighed, running a hand through your hair. “I feel dumb for falling for it now, but yeah. He said some shit that fucked up my psyche there for a while.”

“Is that why you had started to pull away from us? And you left?”

You were quiet, but your silence spoke volumes. You felt anger radiate from Eustass even more. “That mother fu-”

“Tungsten. I’m going to take care of it. Like I said, I need information and also this is the best way for me to get closure.” He looked at you for a long moment before groaning. “Ugh. Fine.”

“Thank you.”

“What did he even say?” You were quiet for a moment, not wanting to admit it. It felt silly now. You know that your brother and crewmates would’ve never said the awful things he had referenced, but you were at such a low point that you would’ve believed anything.

“Bigs?” You looked up at him and sighed. Just as he couldn’t say no to you - you couldn’t say no to him. As you dabbed one of the cuts on his arm - his only arm, which you still couldn’t believe - you explained what happened that night. He was quiet, but you could feel him seething.

“You know none of it is true, right?” He waited until you were done before he had spoken, which wow. That’s growth. Him waiting to speak? Who taught him that? He was the king of interrupting people. You felt a moment of pride, but the somber mood was too heavy for you to really revel in it.

With a long sigh, you nodded. “I do now. It was stupid of me to believe him, I know. But…” Your face fell and he shook his head. “You were in a dark place, I know.”

“Let us not forget that I’m the one that forced you to go along with me,” he said with a smug smile. You mirrored his expression and laughed. “Not completely. I did end up deciding myself. You made yourself quite the compelling case.”

“Only because Killer put the cherry on top.” He paused. “And because he was the cherry on top,” he mumbled, but you didn’t quite make it out. “Huh?”

“Nothing.”

“You-”

The both of you laughed before falling into a somber silence. “You did more than anyone on the ship when it boiled down to it,” he said. You looked at him for a moment. “Tungsten, you don’t have to lie to make me fee-”

“It’s not a lie though. You did so fucking much for us. You made all of us stronger and our lives easier. You strengthened Dive’s teeth, gave Heat the ability to fucking breathe fire, taught both Heat and Wire how to smith, made various different kinds of machines n’ shit to help make ship life even easier, not to me-”

“Okay, okay. I get it.”

“I’m so serious, Bigs. And that’s not just the ship. The four of us definitely wouldn’t have lived without you growing up. I’m serious.” You looked at him, your eyes slightly widening as the playful mood was turning more sincere by the second and you felt your cheeks heat up. You didn’t know where all this sentiment was coming from and you didn’t know how to handle it.

“You’re a ray of fucking sunshine on our goddamn ship and I’ll be damned if I let someone take that away again,” he grumbled, looking away from you. “Everyone was super upset when you left - so don’t do that shit again.” You felt so many different waves of emotion right now. Eustass was never one to convey his actual feelings. You weren’t either. The both of you had your own way of expressing your love for each other, just as all siblings did.

But, hearing it was a lot different and you didn’t know how to react. You felt your brain doing a hard reboot.

“I didn’t…” No words were coming from you.

“Don’t get sappy, you know I hate that shit.” He didn’t look at you, keeping his head turned from you, clearly embarrassed from his own outburst. You couldn’t help but let out a small smile, moving on and finishing up dressing his wounds.

“Didn’t stop you though, huh?”

“What did you say?” He turned his eyes towards you, narrowing his eyes.

“You heard me, Tungsten. I think you’re the sappy one of the two of us.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you.” The two of you glared at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter. You really missed Eustass. Well, of course you did - he was your brother.

You finished up, standing and dusting yourself off, Eustass following suit. “Alright, everyone! Let’s head out!”

Once more, you felt anxiety creeping back in. You weren’t sure how you wanted to handle the situation. You weren’t good with emotions. You weren’t good at verbally conveying them. Hell, at this point, your own anger probably would take over and you’d kill Kese for all you knew. But, you knew you needed answers first. You’d just have to remember that.

You were somewhat falling behind the group, thinking. A million scenarios ran through your head, but none of them seemed to be the way you wanted to go. The way you needed it to go. Though, what way did it even need to go? You weren’t sure. Ugh, thinking about it was hurting your head.

Finally, the ship came into view and honestly you couldn’t have been happier. This place had become your home. It felt more like home than your dingy home back on the island ever did. And now you were back, just as you needed to be. Everything felt right again.

“Ready?” You looked over, seeing that Killer had joined you. You sighed, shaking your head. “No, but I don’t have a choice, do I?” That laugh rang through, making you jump slightly. It was mostly just startling at this point because it was so loud and sudden. You smiled at him, trying not to show that it had startled you. You already knew he was sensitive about it, you didn’t want to add to it.

“I just don’t even know what I want to do. Or how I’ll react.”

“I mean, the captain and I can just take him out.”

“Okay, but that wouldn’t solve anything.”

“One less bastard to hurt you in the world - I’d say it’s worth it.” You paused for a moment. Did he just say to hurt ‘you’. Surely it was just a slip of the tongue, right? Yeah. He probably just meant in general. Just as there was a royal ‘we’, perhaps it was a royal ‘you.’

Before you could say anything, however, a voice rang through the night.

“You guys are back! How did it - oh shit.” You looked up, seeing the very bastard that brought so much pain and misery to your life without even trying. Fuck, you felt so stupid for letting him get to you in the way that he did. He was staring at you with wide eyes, obviously surprised to see you. You saw the fear plastered all over his face.

Something in the back of your brain snapped. “‘Oh shit’ is right motherfucker.” In moments you were on the ship and he was running, obviously trying to escape your wrath. You threw your dagger, catching him in the shoulder and sending him to the ground.

You were standing over him, seething. “What the fuck is your issue with me? What the fuck did I do to you?”

He was groaning and rolling around, clutching his shoulder. “Oh shove a pipe in it and answer me.” All it took was a dagger to the shoulder to take him down? You expected more from someone in your brother’s crew. Especially with the way he had been acting before - all high and mighty.

“Y/n, you’re not dead!” He looked at you, feigning surprise. “This is wonderful, but can I ask why you’re coming straight after me? What did I do?” He looked over as your brother was boarding the ship. “Captain! I think they’ve lost it!”

Eustass was on the ship now, folding his arms as he watched the scene before him. “You brought this upon yourself. And if I were you, I’d answer their fucking questions.” He shrugged, an amused, shiteating grin on his face. “It’s in your best interest.” He sat on a crate, giving himself a front row seat to whatever the fuck was about to unfold.

“You’re only still alive right now because of their mercy,” Killer chimed in, standing next to your brother.

You looked from them back down to Kese, who was looking up at you with wide eyes. “I-I swear I didn’t know you were alive!”

You knelt down, ripping your dagger out of his shoulder and he cried out. “You and I both know that’s a load of horseshit.” You slammed the dagger into the wood next to his head. “Now fucking answer me,” you spat.

“Please! I just wanted to be a part of the Kid Pirates and Myra-”

Your heart almost stopped. Why the hell was he mentioning her? Did he do something to her? Was she okay? Was Lily okay? “What?” You ripped the dagger out of the deck and pressed it to his throat. “What the fuck does Myra have to do with this? What did you do to her?” You were drawing blood at this point and he was terrified. His voice was shaking and he was blubbering like a baby. Man, you felt like a fucking fool for ever having feared him.

“I-I didn’t do anything! I was just doing what she told me to do! I wanted to be a pirate on this ship and she wanted you!”

You stopped. What? What the hell was he talking about? Wanted you? What the hell did he mean by that? Every answer he gave was raising another in its place. You looked at your brother who shook his head. “Do you have that letter?” you asked. He nodded, pulling it out of his person. “You fucking keep it on you?” He didn’t answer you, just handed it to you. “Shut it,” he grumbled.

You couldn’t even begin to imagine how Eustass had really been fairing this whole time, but it wasn’t well. You could tell that much. You could only imagine how you would react if someone told you your little brother died. Shit, he was the only reason you kept going when the both of you were younger. Just as he said he and his friends wouldn’t have been here without you, you wouldn’t have been here without him.

You opened it up, reading it over. You blinked as the words sank in. You looked at the picture that accompanied it. You knew this picture. You had been on a ladder to get some paints and on your way climbing down, you spilled all the paints and fell in the process. The photo was black and white, so you wouldn’t even be able to tell the colors of the paint. And you had been dazed at the time of the picture.

You remember moments after this picture, you sat up laughing. The whole lab was. But, with the way she had taken the picture along with the lack of color, it really did look like some kind of lab accident. You really did look dead. It was real uncanny valley.

Was Myra behind all of this?

“Bigs?”

You looked at your brother. “I know this picture. I had a stumble with some paints. That’s all it is. Paint.” You looked back down at it, paling. Was it all just a cover up? Why did she want your brother to think you were dead? Did it have to do with Kese saying she wanted you?

You knelt back down, glaring at Kese who yelped and backed away from you as he still clutched his shoulder. “Fucking spill, you incompetent son of a bitch.” You pointed the knife at his throat.

He stared at you with wide eyes. “She’ll kill me!”

“Keeping your tongue tight? I’ll kill you first if you don’t.” You pressed the knife into his throat, once again drawing blood. He yelped, sobbing. Fuck, he was pathetic. “O-Okay! Okay…”

“I-I’m from the island. The one where Myra’s from. I was one of her students and I always dreamt of bein-”

“Fucking-” You slammed the knife, the one Myra had specifically given to you, into his leg. He screamed, clutching it and sobbing. “You fucking stabbed me!” You glared at him.

“Cut your losses, you’re on thin ice, tread light,” you ground out. “I don’t fucking care about all that, get to the fucking important parts - you’re testing my fucking patience,” you spat, glaring at him, making him squeak. Fuck. Was he always like this? Why did Eustass keep him around?

Kese, despite his current wound that you’d given him, took a deep breath and started once more. “The c-captain was gaining notoriety and honestly, so were you. But, in the scientific community. Since you always visited the labs and tended to help out there, talk of you spread.” You blinked. You didn’t realize that you had your own reputation. Eustass and Killer were the ones with the large bounty - you didn’t even have one. At least, not at that time. You weren’t doing any fighting. You were just…researching and building. Doing what you did best.

“Myra wanted you to join her research team. Said she could use a sharp mind like yours. She also knew how I wanted to join the captain’s crew. So, she sent me to drive a wedge between you and the captain.” You felt like you were going to be sick. Your body went rigid with the pure, unbridled rage you were feeling. Myra seemed like she genuinely cared about you the entire time you were on the island. You couldn’t imagine her going through such lengths.

Fuck, you felt like a fool.

“I don’t fucking understand…then why would she send me here?”

Kese shook his head. “I-I don’t know.” You shot him a glare and he started crying all over again. “I swear, I don’t! She was supposed to just keep you at the island! I had no idea she was sending you here!”

This must’ve been what she meant by she had people here. Kese had been a mole this entire time and you were none the wiser. You played right into her hands. She had gotten exactly what she wanted. You stood up, swaying a bit from the headache you were developing. You didn’t know what to think about everything.

The woman you had just spent two years with…essentially playing house with as well. It was all a lie. Was Lily in on it too? No, that was impossible. She was too young to understand things like this, right?

You felt a hand to your back and you stiffened for a moment before you calmed. “Are you okay?” you heard Killer’s voice, but it sounded…so far away, despite him standing so close.

You looked at him for a moment before looking back down at Kese. You didn’t know. You didn’t know how you felt about any of this. Why the sudden change of heart in sending you straight to your brother? Did she feel guilty? You stared at the dagger next to Kese’s head, staring at the logo of the lab etched into it.

Numbness washed over you and you didn’t feel like you were in your body anymore. You couldn’t stand this, it was never meant to end up being this hard to process. “Do whatever the fuck you want to him. I’m over it.” Your voice was hollow, strained. You just wanted to go to bed at this point. You were…so tired. Nothing was processing. Your brain was trying to wrap around it all, but it was too much.

“W-What? N-No! Please!”

“Killer, you pick ‘em up with-” As your brother and his vice captain planned on whatever fate they had for Kese, you sauntered off. It wasn’t long before the traitor’s screams tore through the night.

“Y/n?” You looked up, seeing Dive prancing over to you. “Are you going to bed already?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips. “We still need to celebrate the victory!” She huffed, shaking her head.

“Besides, we haven’t had your cooking in forever! Would you make something for us? Pleeeease?”

“Now, now, Dive. You should let them rest. They’ve been through a lot. We’re not celebrating until tomorrow anyway.” You looked up, seeing Wire standing there. You nodded in agreement with him, a tired smile spreading across your features. “I’ll make sure to cook everyone’s favorites tomorrow, okay?” You ruffled her hair.

“I want to sleep too!” You blinked, looking at her. “You wanna have a sleepover?” You grinned at her. You did this a few times before. Sometimes, when she first joined, she had nightmares of some kind and would be up a lot. So, she’d come hang out with you in the lab, sometimes you both would end up falling asleep curled up on the futon in the lab. Most of the time you didn’t remember falling asleep with a blanket on, but there always ended up being one. Even when Dive wouldn’t sleep with you now that you thought about it.

You shook your thoughts away as Dive spoke with excitement. “Yeah! Sleepover!” You smiled, turning to head towards your lab. “Keep an eye on them, yeah?” You heard Wire say to Dive. Ah, she wanted to make sure you were okay. You appreciated it, honestly. None of anything felt real right now. You were on the verge of a mental break, you could feel it. Someone to ground you would be good right now.

Part of you felt like if you woke up tomorrow, you’d end up back at the lab and this was all a dream.

You opened the door to your lab, blinking. Everything was exactly how you had left it. “The captain didn’t let anyone touch it after you left. Especially after…” Dive joined you once more and you looked over at her. You nodded, looking back. Everything had a fine layer of dust on it. You were going to need to do some serious cleaning, but you were too tired to do that right now.

“We can sleep in my bed,” Dive offered. Exhaustion was eating away at you and you nodded. You didn’t have any energy to argue or clean your own area. That was tomorrow’s problem. “That sounds lovely,” you mumbled with a yawn as he followed her to her room. She shared a room with Quincy, but you knew that the woman wouldn’t mind in the slightest if you stayed there for the night.

You crawled into bed, the smaller woman jumping into the bed with you with a laugh. She started prattling on about something or another, probably knowing that you just needed to not be alone with your own thoughts.

Which didn’t even end up mattering as you were asleep within moments.

#how many lyrics did i cram into here????#that's for me to know and you to not know #maybe idk if you're a fan of them like me tho lmfao #one piece #one piece x reader #one piece x you #killer one piece #massacre soldier killer #killer x reader #am fics #cc #also hope you liked the confrontation im terrible at this

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hypogryffin · 7 months

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genuinely curious by what you mean by "jewish (factual)" in your tier list. i can assume for a couple what you mean (sophia as an example) but i dont see how the others could be like jewish-coded! interested in hearing your thoughts

link to the first post for claritys sake, but this is the tier in question:

ok so for clarification: i made the tier list a little while ago and then scheduled it for later to keep uploads consistent, something i usually do all the time but am not for this discussion for now. this means that by the day the tier list posted, i was already a few weeks or so divorced from the actual creation of it, so some of my opinions have changed (as i said in the og post, i was unsure on a good portion of the characters even when i first queued the list), and some of my reasonings behind placements have been lost to time and my silly little goldfish memory.

bc of this, as of now as im trying to find a distinct line between "jewish (factual)" and "jewish (based on vibes)", the criteria for "factual" is sort of murky. some placements in the category were serious, but a lot of them were also entirely for joking reasons, and i had moved on as soon as i was done laughing to myself without coming back to it.

all this is to say, i have no idea how to summarise it, so im going to explain everything i can remember about my thought process at the time so you can see where i was coming from.

SOPHIA:

yup 👍.

ok so for the uninformed, sophia is the name of a gnostic figure and the specifics change depending on the context of which ur referring to her in, but in judaism specifically sophia was given as a translated name for chokmah which is like a being thats like really important in kabbalah and considered like. this sort of i guess personification of divine wisdom?

anyways this is a concept that i doubt im anywhere near the first person to bring up, so im not gonna spend a lot of time on it like i will the things i havent heard other people talk about. like the whole "good friend of humanity" thing! judaism puts a lot of emphasis on kindness and care for other people and i think its important that thats so big for her character and for how jewish she can be read as. she is also jewish because i like her :^).

TATSUYA:

suffers endlessly because g-d hates *him*, specifically, and he hates g-d right back. jewish.

that was a joke. ok so right out the gate i think the whole "fighting hitler" aspect of IS should count for something during the discussion of which characters are jewish. like just putting that out there. anyways tatsuya is jewish because of eternal punishment. specifically, you know how hes like super into "atonement" and repentance? bro would really have benefited from going to a high holidays service lemme tell you. and he does it in a specific way thats like. his atonement is actively trying to repair what hes fixed right like hes not doing what hes doing to be redeemed, hes doing it because its his responsibility to fix whats been broken. i just idk how to explain it properly but thats a thought process your rabbi talks you through in jew school yknow?

also theres this thing called tikkun olam, which literally translates as "repairing the world". so it means more like. doing ur best as a citizen to improve community and country, or general social work. but just considering it as taking the literal translation, then its just like... yep. that sure is what hes doing isnt it

also, killed hitler. hashtag work

KATSUYA:

placed here mostly because being tatsuyas brother, theyd probably be at a similar "level" of religiosity. however there are some unique things i want to point out here;

katsuya like embodies the idea of "tzedek tzedek tirdof" like. its unfortunate hes a cop but for a cop hes a pretty good person? hes pretty uncompromising on right and wrong, and in a way that totally lines up w tzedek tzedek tirdof as its described in the torah.

extra emphasis on his compassion, as in theres like that core facet of judaism, the tikkun olam, where people have a moral obligation to help others; not just do good as oneself, but also stop other people from doing bad. that last bit doesnt really matter, cuz im bringing it up so i can talk about katsuya as a police officer to clear his dads name and try and ensure a better future for his brother. he gave up his dreams for them.

i mean, when i say "giving up his dreams", im kinda laughing to myself bc theres no way he ran it past his parents bc if he looked his jewish mother in the eye and said "i want to be a pastry chef" he would not make it out of the room alive. hed go "my dream is to become a pâtissier" and his mom would immediately be like "no its not its to be an accountant" and that would be the end of the discussion

also, i think he would make some of the best fucking challah in the world. hed make matzo ball soup that could make you jizz your pants just looking at it. look me in the eyes and tell me that he doesnt actually go nuts at rosh hashana when he gets to make the round challah with the raisins in it and stuff or whatever else. there is such a crystal clear vision in my mind of him rocking this apron my dad used to have that says "real men make latkes". it was pink and ugly as sin and i think it would be katsuyas most prized possession.

LABRYS:

her name is fucking labrys obviously shes a jewish lesbian. next.

/j i will actually talk about this. like not mentioning the only survivor of her upbringing, which isnt a one to one considering the death match portion of her backstory but still close enough to feel um. relavant to jewish culture. she acts very...stereotypically jewish?

its not entirely the accent, but it is...part of it. so like i know its like a new jersey accent and that the stereotype is new york, i guess? but im not american and i dont rlly know the difference. they look close enough to each other on a map tho so i think it counts

but also shes like kinda confrontational in a way i specifically associate with jewish people or jewish characters? like not really bitchy but argumentative right, shes got this really sarcastic or mocking sense of humour. and girl kvetches with the best of them.

(also, side note: since i made the original list, i found out that the voice actress for aegis in p3 reload, dawn m bennett, is actually jewish! if i were to remake the tier list, aegis would be moved up from "vibes" to "factual" because of this. mentioning that here because of the sister thing :).)

JOKER:

kills g-d which is the jewish dream. this is a another joke.

someone in the replies of the tier list said something abt a possible reason being that he has an "abrahamic figure" as his ult. persona, which could be a good point if satanael was actually an abrahamic figure! but it is not. like ok im not a history guy but satanael is a name used in the 2nd book of enoch, which arguably could be part of jewish "canon" (i know this is actually the term for it but fandom has rotted my brain and it sounds terminally online to use it in terms of real life religiosity) but most rabbis agree it like is not, and theyre kind of who im listening to on this, and quick google search says even in christianity, enoch is debatable? idk

so like satanael isnt in the torah. and if anyone says "oh its just like another name for satan so technically--" shut up i know. satan isnt real in the torah either. ok like "satan" is used as a term, but not as like the specific dude that like rules hell. hes just like at most a specific dude who is not a devil/cast from heaven or whatever, but instead is a lawyer. more often its a concept, something representative of like the urge to go against g-ds will or a kosher life, this "evil inclination" which everyone is born possessing and grapples with when trying to be a good person. NOT THE SAME AS THE CHRISTIAN SATAN. WHICH IS WHAT P5 WAS GOING FOR. SATAN IN JUDAISM IS NOT A "super demon lord" or whatever they call it in the text of the game

satanael isnt an abrahamic figure and i dont think satan is either cuz its so different between religions and honestly i think calling things abrahamic religions, at least w the context i hear of it, is like kind of a misnomer or just kind of generally misleading cuz judaism christianity and islam are all so different and if were talking about this i think whoever invented the term judeochristian should eat a sheet of glass for it because whenever i hear those terms its very clear the person saying it means just christianity but theyre trying to be inclusive without actually putting the work in and thats not the point of this.

ok if im honest, as i think abt it joker isnt like. really... super jewish, in a way that you can point out? its just like... this overall vibe im having trouble explaining which is probably also like super influenced by how much i like him. i want to say that this strict sense of right and wrong that remains uninfluenced by the rest of society is something that clearly creates or maybe just intensifies this like. empathy for other people that reminds me of this concept in judaism which i cant remember the hebrew name of rn but i think its most commonly translated to english as "lovingkindness", one word? or that the whole idea of the phantom thieves can be contributed to tikkun olam. but, on the other hand, even if lovingkindness is what i personally consider one of jokers core character traits, the other one is pure, blinding rage.

im not going to go super into it, because im a few years rusty of torah study bc its only really consistently done in my community for kids preparing for bnai mitzvah cuz of how few people we have in our congregation. but from what i remember, my interpretation of the exact limit between righteous and sinful anger is a bit more... lax than the average jew's, or at least the average rabbi's, meaning mine, lol. either way anger is almost always seen as sinful because its an emotion that can like. turn you from g-d, its the same thing that invokes that "evil inclination" we just talked abt. so, joker textually feels this rage that arsene, his other self, literally refers to as "sacrilegious", something that very clearly states that he is willing to *knowingly* commit sins for this rage and is perfectly capable of causing undue harm to others for it, which is exactly the reason why judaism warns of anger. this means jokers anger is distinctly against jewish teachings.

again, im really lax, my familys reform (/lh) and i think there are some parts of this characterisation that make me feel this rage is overall constructive, especially considering that is what feeds his constant practice of lovingkindness and tikkun olam, but it being such a huge facet of his personality (made worse bc as a silent protagonist, you really have to search to get away from this trait) brings him down on the Jew Scale(tm).

in short, now that im really discussing this id probably move him to incredibly jewish based on vibes or even to just "jewish" no further classification. but even w the undying sinful anger thing i cant not think of him as jewish and i dont think its just bc hes one of my favourite characters of all time.

also that hair texture looking really familiar is all🤔🤔. all im saying that is in the tutorial, instead of "frizzy hair", morgana deffo should have been calling them blondie and jewfro /j /j /j

EDIT AND JOKERS KITCHEN!! JOKERS KITCHEN!! FOOD AS A LOVE LANGUAGE!! IN P5 YOU MAKE FOOD FOR YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU PUT LOVE INTO IT

MORGANA:

i know i put morgana before joker in the tier but i think in order to rlly discuss morgana we needed joker first bc part of my reason for putting them in the same tier is because they really are a pair, do not separate.

anyways, morgana does have a lot of the same problems as joker when it comes to being difficult to pin down. his inclination to tikkun olam is similar, sort of even greater than jokers depending on personal characterisation of joker, but instead of this discrepancy of his jewishness being anger, the ethical conundrum with morgana is sort of. arrogance? like, i have trouble figuring out how to really put into words how i feel abt morganas "lovingkindness", because it is so hard to understand where hes at in terms of empathy?? like. fucking. idk hes definitely a very caring person but its not exactly like

ok i cant figure out how to say it moving on. i used the word arrogance even though i dont really think thats right, because morgana has never seemed haughty. his "arrogance" is really just him making up for an inferiority complex caused by the amnesia thing, its not as if he genuinely totally believes himself to be above the others. but like no matter what it stems from, the way he behaves and his personal pride hurts people. ie the okumura arc, or his entire relationship w ryuuji. he speaks ill of others, belittles them to bring himself up, etc. arrogance and excess pride is as condemned as anger in judaism if not moreso, since its even less useful/constructive to be "arrogant" than it is to be angry. OH ok so what i meant with the hard to figure out his empathy thing is this actually!! hes very caring and has a really notable respect for human life but its always at war with his need to prove himself, so even if when you think about it its like Oh Morgana Is A Really Caring Person, which makes sense because he was created from human desire and as such is really in touch with what people need, the desperation he has to be seen as "worthy" comes off as wanting to be seen as "above", even if it means trying to get the people around him as being considered "below" him.

tldr so if it was just those two traits i think id have to move morgana lower on the list, alongside joker.

HOWEVER. speaking directly to the other jews in the crowd, but morgana is totally textually a golem, right? like not exactly, obviously, but think about it. morganas a being of the velvet room because he was created from "the dregs of human hope" (canonical line from yaldaboath that i think about more than what can be considered healthy tbh), whose job is was and always will be to protect and guide the trickster and his community, the phantom thieves. hes a golem right? am i insane? am i seeing things? i dont care, im not giving up on this interpretation, so morgana is factually and canonically jewish cuz of it.

ZEN:

i do not remember.

as of today id probably move him to either jewish no other classification or not jewish. my b guys. anyways

JUN:

life is indescribable torment, and then hes also got additional, mostly unrelated, mommy issues. judaism 101.

also his suspenders when he was a kid are the most young jewish lad shit in the history of ever like i have seen that exact outfit on a young boy every time i go to temple, and each time it is a different kid

ok more seriously, i really do think juns story-- specifically his relationship with memory-- can easily be extracted into a jewish narrative. like nyarlathotep messed with his memories and convinced him that the other members of the masked circle killed maya right. and so the way he fanatically reminded himself of the past was a mix of trauma and active manipulation. but if i think abt it a certain way i also can see it as like. ok so in judaism memory is really important and like a lot of the time during for example passover, youre meant to refer to yourself as being a jew in egypt, saying "we" instead of "them" and such. but im specifically meaning how important memory/remembrance is in grieving. jun in his grief for mayas perceived death "kept her alive" in a way. she was never forgotten, and so she never died. even though the entire masked circle forgot, from trauma or fear or guilt or whatever, jun held on, remembering her, and so she survived. joker took peoples dreams but his actions also caused them to be completely be forgotten. they were alive, but they were robbed of their ability to be remembered at all, and so they were as good as dead even still breathing and talking.

retroactively, this idea enforces tatsuyas jewishness, considering the entire story of eternal punishment. he refused to forget the masked circle, even though it hurts.

anyways back to jun, i also think the whole repentance thing is important too. he hurt people in his anger and sorrow and spends the rest of his life (until the world is reset at least lol) atoning for his wrongdoings.

also, i know i said kid him is super jewish looking, but he has not gotten better as hes grown up. 17y.o him is exactly the guy your bubbe will pull up on facebook and be like "this is the grandson of my friend or whoever! you should go on a date with him, hes your age! he looks a bit gay but hes a very successful doctor! ...and hes JEWISH YAKNOW...." and ur like "ok bubbe"

ERIKO:

i actually do not recall exactly why she is in this tier specifically. the only thing i for sure remember was that i at least partially placed her here bc of her fascination with the occult.

HIKARI:

ok this one was kinda me goofing. its the whole extended family thing like whats more jewish than being actively discouraged from a creative career for something "safe" and "normal?" bro the aunt might as well have dropped the "being a doctor is very respectable" line in the song.

but like even without that, wanting to be a director or associated with film? hitting her with the jew beam. mazel tov babygirl.

#not art #asks & requests

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pepprs · 8 months

Text

girls who slam themselves in the 3x meta psychic prison. mutuals my mother straight up does not love or see or understand me and never did. when the pain is unending 😍

ok yeah. i wasn’t going to write about it bc it’s deeply embarrsssing on multiple levels but like. i watched the childhood video tapes. except i couldn’t get the one from the first 2 months of my sister’s and my life(s) to work so i watched one from when we were 4 and our brother was less than a year old. and mutuals… in SO many of the clips she’s filming him and only him trying to get him to bounce and shit snd i ask for her to turn the camera on me so she can see me dancing or i can show her the picture i drew for her or ask her a question or share a thought and like… yes i was an annoying feisty bossy attention seeking 4 year old with a horrible bowl cut. but i was 4. and i just wanted my mom to listen to me and look at me. and she was dismissive to me in the videos like not outright cruel but exasperated with me for constantly trying to stick my head into the shot and asking for her attention. and when she would say “not now tess” or “tess you’re blocking him” etc etc i apologized for it and that part was sad too. idk. all of it was sad. i knew watching this shit that i was probably gonna stir stuff up which would be dangerous esp bc i don’t have therapy until the end of the month and i did stir things up just in watching the documented footage of it. i wish it was safe to post some of it on here bc it’s genuinely… like i feel like i don’t get to say it was sad bc i was being annoying and attention seeking but it’s sad.

on top of that.. i couldn’t get the vcr to play shit on my laptop bc i didn’t have the right equipment for it so i had to play it on the tv. and my whole family eventually caught on to me watching it and have watched clips of it with me now. and that’s just so complicated. bc they’re all adding their commentary about it too and im letting them and inviting them bc i don’t know how to set boundaries. and my mom… god. my mom is DOUBLING DOWN on exactly the same stuff she said in the video when we were FOUR YEARS OLD. saying that my sister and i got to be filmed so much when we were babies and now it’s our brother’s turn. and i get that. i really do. i know i got attention when i was a baby and i can’t deny that. i know it wouldn’t have been fair or healthy or whatever to neglect him in favor of me / us. but also… i was FOUR!!!!! i was too little to understand what the politics of attention meant. and it just kind of fucking sucks that she’s holding that against me NOW too (as she said multiple times today / tonight) like saying scornfully that i was always so jealous of him and she doesn’t understand why i needed attention so badly since i never had undivided attention in the first place as a twin. like… i was a little kid. what did you expect me to do just like magically not need attention anymore and understand that the baby gets all the attention and go busy myself somewhere. idk. i feel entitled / selfish for saying it WHICH IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM like that video tape literally documents whatever mental issues i have now emerging… like me learning that i wasn’t important anymore and that when i sought attention i was just getting in the way and being annoying. lol

AND…. on top of all of this… sitting down with my mom and siblings and showing the videos and laughing over it and inviting their laughter even though it hurts to watch and it hurts to laugh at it and to hear them laughing… my mom’s focus in WATCHING these videos 20 years later is almost ENTIRELY on my brother!!!!!!! STILL!!!!! like the whole reason i had the clips i had was to… idk. trace the genesis of my mental illness and she wasn’t even paying attention to that she was just cooing over my brother. and when i told her why i was watching these / attempted to point out the patterns she got exasperated with me for overanalyzing everyrhing and navel gazing etc etc to an unhealthy degree. i fucking give up lol

it feels stupid selfish etc etc to be spiraling abt this and i usually don’t make long multi paragraph posts but like. god. this was a mistake. i never should’ve done this. it happened with the whole coming out day snapchat story thing too among other episodes. every time i dig up a thing from the past that she did that hurt me and try to explain it in retrospect she never changes her tune or comforts me or expresses any understanding or anything. she just doubles down on what she said / did before that hurt me so bad and it hurts me all over again. it could’ve been so much worse and the experience of adjusting to having a new sibling is universal and not a big deal in the slightest but it was a big deal for me. i so clearly took it hard and needed attention from my fucking mom!!! and that wound is still raw and now ive ripped it wide open again. scared little girl moment

#purrs #delete later #like. i think the worst part is just… there is no one coming to save me. i am never ever ever going to get the comfort i needed back. it can #only come from a parent and both of my parents are emotionally unavailable and think im being ridiculous. and now i am an adult and im #supposed to be able to comfort myself or not even need comfort at all but i just need a hug. i can’t comfort myself out of this. no one i #know now or will ever know in the future can comfort me out of this. it has to come from a parent and mine don’t understand. so im just #in the psychic prison. like what a spectacular failure that just was. tfw you are denied catharsis from one of the most consistent painful #threads of your life and you have to cope with that but you have 1.5 hrs of podcasts to listen to and a 3 page paper to write and #work tomorrow and no therapy until late september 😻👍

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phagvision · 2 months

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how did u realize that u were a lesbian?

ever since i was a kid, girls were the only thing that i was affected by in da whole world, really i was obsessed, freaky, would stare at the girls in my class twenty-four-hours..would do anything 2 get their attention, but i was also very shy around them, i would drawn them, try to make them laugh..imagine wht would feel like to touch them, be with them, get closer WHATVER I JUST THOUGHT I WAS REALLY WEIRD

1st girl i remember having actual feelingz for was when i was arround idk 6-7years old, her name was mariana. what really got me going about her wasn't how pretty she was, but really her smile cause she had little dimples and i thought it was cute, the way she was quirky..left me fascinated like she was strange forreal but sooo funny, so i would try really hard to impress her, 2 the point i failed math class because i knew she was also bad at math and by doing that i'd be able 2 get in private classes, by her side, same class..just da two of us.. BTW SHE DIDNT GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME BUT I WAS SOOO IN LOVE

whenever i heard my friends talk abt boys they had a crush on i wanted 2 kms in front of them cause I COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY SAW IN BOYS so i felt like a freak most of da time.. funny now but back then it was terrifying 2 get asked who i had a crush on cause i didn't thought about boys, i just thought about other girls but couldnt say shit, oh so men.. what is there 2 say about them? 😹😹 they were just there, growing up, bois had a thing 4 me and i would get weirded out by it, i was just indifferent, i had many friends who were bois, would hang out with them just normal. boys did wanted me to be their gf which is insane bc i got asked out like 3 times by these men and i could nawt evr possible feel the same, so ive rejected a lot of men in dis lifetime..its funny looking back how t fuc i pulled men looking the way i look tf maybe they were all gay and confused or they were into lesbianz i dont Fuckin know okay alexa play pink triangle by weezer..

when i was around 14-15, i had this thing with this straight girl in highschool, we almost kissed at some point but she said she had a crush on this man.. and i cried a lot likee that one brought me 2 my knees i was down bad..i even tried 2 hook them up because i jst wanted 2 stop crying over her n get over with it quickly (will byers moment) when i thought i got over it because i was like naahh i can't be doing this gay shit anymore cause all i do is fall for these straight gurls im not a dyke can Gawd just make me straight already gawd pleasee ( internalized homophobia? who tf knows i did spent 1 year in a catholic school and YES I DID FALL FOR MY 48YO BIBLE STUDIES TEACHER ) anyways thee straight girl found me at a supermarket one year later.. we we're not in highschool anymore..mind you i was with my niece there and SHE SAW ME getting all shy in front of her and then later my niece was like itz okay if ur gay..a dyke whtv i was just wondering how i could make myself dissapear that day. da straight girl was like hiiii..how are youu.. SHE ONLY SAID THAT and all those feelings came back, her name was debora, never saw again, lost her contact. gawd bless her soul. hope her and her man have beautiful kids 2gether👍

#thanks 4 asking anon #what was it like 4 you tho?#i never had a “realization” i just accepted ( tried to )#I HAD 2 THUG THAT SHIT OUT #seedavision #just_lesbo_and_real

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jwsflower · 2 years

Text

Five

SYNOPSIS: You’ve been bestfriends and crushing on jungwon since middle school, but the day you planned to confess to him he never came to school. Later finding out that he had moved schools without telling you. Few year later when you had moved on you heard that theres a new student. You didnt think much of it, but...?

Pairing: Jungwon x fem!reader

Warnings: none that i can think of but lmk if there are any!!

It was 6am and you heard your alarm ringing.

“Ugh im not looking forward to school today at all, i have to ask Mr. Choi if i can switch groups with someone” you thought outloud.

When you were ready you texted the gc to ask who can pick u up.

15 minutes later you heard a beep outside and that was ur sign to walk ouside.

“Morningg sunny, tysm again for pick me up today” you smiled at him.

“Ofc its nothing Yn, do u wanna get some coffee before school??” he asked u

“Ohh yeah sure lets gooo” you replied

We both go into car and started to drive to Starbucks. You guys were driving in comfortable silence but then he spoke up.

“Hey, but are you okay after yesterday?”

“Yeah, im okay im atleast glad that chae and hoon explained themselves cuz i woulve been very upset if they lied to me.. “ you spoke up.

“Yeahh..” Sunoo dryly replied.

But little did you know that deep down Sunoo still thought that something was suspicious about both of them.

*time skip them already arriving at school cuz im lazy*

“Were heree” Sunoo spoke up brightly.

“Im not excited abt today at all, i have to ask mr. Choi to switch groups with someone else bc im not working with Jake.” you replied

“Good luck with that..” Sunoo laughed

“Thanks.. okay lets go to class now” you said that as you started walking into school.

When you walked into school you didnt expect seeing Yang Jungwon standing right next to your locker.

“You gotta be kidding me" you said under breath.

Before you could say anything Sunoo spoke up first. “ Ay Yang what are you doing here, Yn is not interested to talk to you rn. “

“Please I really want to explain myself and talk to her” he was basically begging.

But then you spoke up “ Jungwon i made it clear to you yesterday, give me time and maybe. just maybe im gonna give you a chance but please rn leave me alone”

“Okay, ill give you time just tell me when. Im gonna be waiting for you” he said that as he was walking away.

“Really yn? ur gonna give him a chance” Sunoo asked.

“I never heard him out, so maybe it wouldn't hurt hear what he has to say to me. And also im long moved from him so this isnt some pitying my crush thing. “ you replied

“Whatever you say Yn.. but now we should go to class” he pulled you by hand.

But deep down you thought, ‘ have i moved on tho ‘ you weren't too sure abt that part.

previous || masterlist || next

note: Okay hi, its been quite a white since i wrote a chapter (like 3 months). Honestly i wasnt busy or something, its just i didn't have any inspo for a long time and i just didnt want to write something confusing or dumb so i just took time off. From now on ill try posting whenever i can but i wont be doing 2-3 updates cuz i feel pressure so ill post whenever i feel like and try to not disappear again. Again Thank you if u read this and thank you for waiting.

Taglist: open! (send and ask tba)

Taglist: @hiqhkey @enhacolor @she-is-dreaming @lovienikitty @lauvvai @ch0ijiung @wonieleles @enhasengene @harperwasstaken1 @heartj4yn0 @lil-iva @yvesismywife @brokeprimogems

#jungwon #yang jungwon #jungwon x reader #yang jungwon x reader #enhypen #enhypen smau #enhypen imagines #enhypen fluff #jungwon smau #jungwon angst #jungwon fluff #jungwon imagines #enhypen x you #enhypen social media au #yang jungwon x you #jungwon x you #jungwon social media au #yang jungwon smau #.💗 my first love

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aezuria · 28 days

Text

*ੈ✎ he's an all american boy!

content: american football player! jason grace x reader

╰┈▸ back cover: mortal! au; part I | part II

warnings: cursing (sorry guys), kinda random non-linear plot (but its hcs so its fine)

librarian's annotations: guys help i need a song title/lyric that fits this so it can be my title

also IM GOING FERAL I THINK THE ANGST MADE ME INSANE SO THIS IS HOW I COPE can you guys tell im projecting by the way ppl fawn over him in this

bro is actually hotshot #1

right when he walks into the school he is BOMBARDED with students like theyre papparazi

hes just

tall, handsome, buff- what more could a girl want?? (there are other criteria he meets but we'll get to that later)

the picture perfect quarterback straight from a damn movie

NOT TO MENTION HES NOT SOME COCKY JERK

at first ppl were like "omg hes so hot but im not gonna go up to him cause what if hes mean???"

and then he goes up to them and hes all shy like

"excuse me? i need to get to my locker, sorry if i interrupted your conversation." and hes scratching the back of his neck and smiling awkwardly

HEART EYES

word spreads fast in hs yall already know

so when everyone finds out hes not only tall, handsome and buff but also KIND??

head over heels

and hes not exactly oblivious to it but hes not fully aware of it either

probably like "oh yea a lot of ppl talk to me idk why tho its probably cause my friends are popular"

bby you’re the most popular out of your friends don’t even

hes such a good student too

teachers love him

hes everyones golden boy fr (especially mine teehee)

usually sits in the front of the class unless his friends make him sit with them in the back

then he pulls out his glasses that he keeps in its case, even having the lil wipe thing folded neatly

cue shocked gasps

"omg you wear glasses?"

"do you need to clean them? here have my handkerchief!" ("who even are you can't you see he has one")

"those suit you so well!"

his ears turn red at the sudden burst of attention and he laughs nervously, muttering his thanks

even the teacher wasnt mad at the disruption bc who would get mad at jason?

(he got little nudges from his friends after)

you guys know that one jock whose actually a nerd x nerd trope???

i dont even know if it exists but it sounds cute anyway

thats you and jason

he had his first conversation- if you could call it that, at the library when you guys were abt to grab the same book (ugh so cliche right)

being the gentleman he was, he let you have it

to which you tried to refute but he INSISTED

"oh, y/n it's yours. i'll just get a different one."

which got you a little intimidated bc who wouldnt be intimidated by a 6'2 jock thats the talk of the town

you thanked him profusely and scampered away

wait did he just say my name? how does he even know who i am?

that probably kept you up at night

like "oh my god did i just embarrass myself in front of THE jason grace???? did i walk away weird?"

little did you know that the jason grace was awake that same night

"did i scare her?? why did she look like that when i said her name? did my voice crack? did she think i was weird cause my hand brushed against hers? oh my god my hand brushed against hers.."

started noticing you EVERYWHERE after that

like he knew you guys were in some classes tgt

but he finds that he passes by you SO many times in the hallway

and somehow spots you at a table across the library

was that your usual spot? was this his usual spot now?

like what?? his delusional never-had-a-real-gf-because-that-one-time-he-dated-his-friend-she-turned-out-to-be-a-lesbian ass thinks its fate

very much influenced by all the books he reads (NO he does not read romance he simply finds an interesting book that HAPPENS to have romance)

(and if he did, WHAT OF IT HUH??? THEY COUNT AS BIG BOY BOOKS OKAY)

i have this headcanon that he remembers the name of everyone in his classes because he was always forgettable as a kid and no one really knew his name cause he was so quiet (or he tries really hard to remember because he has this aching feeling that in another timeline he could never remember)

so he doesnt want to make others feel that way and yea

BACK TO HOW HOT HE IS

(stealing part of this from my earlier rant)

its late, hes tired, but hes back in the library to cram for his test tomorrow

so unlike him, usually hed be on top of things, but his minds been on some... other things. persons. person.

hes still sweaty and sore from football practice, having (literally) ran straight here after changing

throws his bag down (quietly of course, he's not some brute) and takes out like three different notebooks, his worn pencil case from freshman year, and his glasses

jason slides them on, pushing it up the bridge of his nose as he gets up and searches for the textbooks he needs

he knows its more comfortable and less time-consuming to just study at home, after all he already has loaner textbooks given out at the start of the school year, but something in his heart wanted him to drag his beat ass here and work

and good thing too, because he sees a familiar hand grab a book from the other side of the bookshelf

not that he just knows what your hand looks like, that'd be weird

it reveals your beautiful eyes, ones jason would love to see closer

he smiles at you from the crack in the bookshelf, murmuring a soft "hello"

you think you just saw an angel with the way the warm light crowned his head

but when you offer to help him study??? he thinks he fell in love

you were his SAVIOR

thanked you a billion times every other sentence and fumbled over his words cause hes never talked with you for this long

his ears are bright red even though the ac in the library was always to the max

also how is he wearing just a shirt

not that you minded though, it gave you a chance to ogle at the way the fabric was fighting for its life to keep him under wraps

and daydream about fantasies that shall not be named (one involving a pink bow around his bicep)

you dont know how long you were helping and how long you spent daydreaming

you hoped you werent being too obvious (it was very, very obvious but jason was too focused to notice)

it felt like mere minutes when jason looks up, a tired but accomplished look on his face

he thanks you one last time, saying he'll make it up to you

you couldnt help but feel disappointed until the fatigue from the day hits you like a bus

he offers to take you home, saying it was too dark out, and that it wouldnt be safe

god, hes such a gentleman

you take him up on the offer as you did NOT plan on dying a virgin

walks you to your door too, can he get any better???

apparently he can because after he got his scores back for his tests, he rushes to you with a bright smile and presents them like a child with their artwork

”i got a hundred! it’s all thanks to you, you’re a really great study buddy!”

of fucking course he gives the credit to you how is he so humble??

like that was alllll him you just sat there and admired the view (so real for that)

after that he practically begs you to go to his next game, saying he'll return the favor by playing extra hard for you

(can he be extra hard for me tho)

you needed no convincing because a. hes jason grace. end of question. (and b, you know his ass would look great in his uniform GOOD GOOGLY MOOGLY)

he even said he’ll treat you if your school wins (which should be the other way around, but he again, insists)

they won, to absolutely no one’s surprise

took you to a cute lil cafe where you guys got drinks and sandwiches

then he overthinks it before bed cause he didn’t make it sound like a date but he really wanted it to be but he wasn’t sure if you felt the same and-

when you guys do start dating, everyones jealous but they cant bear to hate because you guys are just so cute together (bonus if youre short cause height difference couple !!)

he tried to keep it secret cause he didnt want to get you overwhelmed with a bunch of attention, but its obvious to everyone hes extra soft with you

he thought he was being sneaky when he slowly shifted his usual seat day by day to be closer to you so it wouldnt be obvious (spoiler: it was)

you assured him you were okay with your relationship being public if he was okay with it too

of course he is how can he NOT want you by his side forever

he sees his friends give their gfs their jersey to wear to their games and is like “i so want that” but he’s too shy to ask youu

but it’s written all over his face as you catch him staring intently at the way his friend hands over his spare jersey to his girlfriend when they think no one was looking

so, being the great girlfriend you are, took it upon yourself to ask him for it

which he gave to you a blushing, stuttering mess

the next game, he was worried

where were you? you weren’t usually this late; the game was about to start and he didn’t even get a good luck kiss yet!

he knows it’s probably nothing strange, that you’re just running late, but he can’t help but worry

the whistle blows and he sighs, getting into position, but not before sneaking one last glance at the bleachers

his sky blue eyes found you instantly, and was that-?

you were wearing his jersey, practically swimming in it as you waved your arm excitedly.

he broke into a wide smile, unfortunately hidden by his helmet, and waved back at you, forgetting all about the game for a moment until his friend whacked him upside the head

he buzzed with anticipation, wanting to just hurry and finish so he could run to you and spin you in his arms

you were his driving motive as he scored touchdown after touchdown, never letting the other team bridge the gap in their points

his team wins unsurprisingly, and the first thing he does is throw down his helmet and run to you, tackling you gently

he sweeps you off your feet and kisses you as you spin, giggles muffled by his lips

hes sweaty and sticky but you couldn’t bring yourself to care, the way his smile lights up the world is all that matters

and he knows that you’re his world, and he’d do anything to make you light up

#*ੈ✎ stories #jason grace #jason grace x reader #heroes of olympus #hoo #hoo x reader #heroes of olympus x reader #pjo #percy jackson and the olympians #pjo x reader #percy jackson and the olympians x reader

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aewrie · 6 months

Text

i've had this thought ruminating and i'm attempting to words

wrt "i cannot be traumatized, i never show any signs of being traumatized" and then years and years later i find myself researching things for No Particular Reason

i have an example situation but throwing under cut bc long + talk about child death

so.

when my baby brother (same dad, different mom) died my grieving process looked like me crying for maybe two minutes when i got the news, and then i was done. my other brother and i did not get to go to the funeral or anything (not sure what my dad's logic behind that was). we did get to make a 'final message' to be burned with him for the urn. that was nice, but that was also just one relatively small thing. i don't remember how long it was before we even visited the grave with my dad.

this was the first time in my life that i was old enough to really understand and remember a family member dying. with my great grandparents i was so young i barely remember the ones i did meet.

it was never really discussed. my mom was the only one who even asked if i was doing ok or wanted to talk. and i just say nah i'm good. the only other time any relative brought it up was months, maybe a year later when i was visiting my (paternal) grandma and she said how she believed juho never talked bc he 'knew' he was 'only visiting'. which i said nothing to bc it was helping her grieve i guess, but this was basically the only time i remember anyone acknowledging him not talking and it weirded me out tbh.

(he was almost four. i don't remember at which point it clicked that oh yeah kids usually talk at least a little by then. no fucking clue if it was ever looked into. im like 99% sure he did vocalize some, but didn't even cry/laugh/etc much? i actually struggle remembering him doing so. he was very quiet even beyond not talking.)

about a year after his death at school we had a writing assignment to make a short autobiography and like. of course i mention this! two fucking years of a sibling dealing with cancer that unfortunately ended in death kinda was a notable part of my life at that point. and when we got graded and my teacher had added a note on the margins offering condolences and i was weirded out bc i didn't know how to deal with that. i just felt like i should comfort this completely unrelated person bc i'm Totally Fine and there is no need for fussing about it, why should she feel sorry for me in the first place??

anyhow. it was this year that i bumped into videos about how to talk to kids about death and how well kids at a given age understand death and suddenly i was extra interested in death related stuff (certainly wasn't before /s). and i remember wondering, way back then, if juho understood what was going on, or if anyone even tried to explain anything to him.

(i started typing more but it was getting into actually upsetting enough territory that this would turn into a proper vent/rant so let's just leave it there for now.)

i've had to learn not to bottle up and repress everything as an adult. it's an. ongoing process. but like. this^ sort of things have been happening for a few years and then when it does and i connect some dots, and proceed sit there a bit like

(but like half the time only on the inside.)

like even now it's like. i'm fine? but at the same time not, not in the sense i thought, before it hit me how much this and that in fact did impact me while i was busy brushing everything upsetting aside for later (read: to never be thought about ever)

((also in case anyone's wondering bc hk is the dead baby pit fandom, i'm good, the dark humour etc is fine and probably helps tbh. been really thinking about dead and dying children for the first time in ages and do i have thoughts that have been marinating for a while lol.))

#yourebabblingjulle #i'm ok just Thinking #have been thinking for some time but i want to write it down #so yelling into the void it is

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bootlegfrank · 8 months

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OOOO WHAT COLOR ARE YOU DYEING YOUR HAIR????? How did it come out???? The dedication to taking the laptop into the bathroom:’) THE DEDICATION HANNIBAL DESERVES!!!! FR there’s so much to pick apart about it. This show is making me worse and I gotta say…not mad. Like why the fuck did watching Hannibal make me go “you know what I kinda understand cannibalism now” fuck sake LOL which I know to you isn’t wild but for me…this is not normal for me to think ALAKAKSJDJDHDJCJCJC don’t watch this yet it’s spoilery but it’s an edit OF FUCKING MCR X HANNIGRAM AND….I actually screameddshwjwjwwjsjsjsjjshs THEY CANT DO THIS TO US AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PLEASE WATCH IT AT SOME POINT IM DYINGGGG AGGWYQUJWWJ MCR AND HANNIGRMAKWKWJWJSJS

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8YEKP8t/

Someone also drew them as the revenge album cover….YEAH IM GOING INSANE omg AND I saw someone do embroidery of the angel scene which I had to tell you about since you really liked that one^.^

AWE thank you for catching me next time you’re so sweet <333333 imagining that makes me:] THERES CRIME IN ARTEMIS FOWL???? Okay this is fucking hilarious I can’t stop laughing this whole time legitimately this whole time….I had that book series confused with Guardians of Gahoole so I thought Artemis fowl was Owl warrior cats until just now LMFAOOOOOOO

Be careful what you wish for because I’m starting to finally embrace my out there thoughts and already it’s hard to restrain myself ITS REALLY WEIRD FOR ME bc I have so much internalized shame even just around existing. I feel more shame around the most simple shit than people do with their fucked up fantasies so it’s gonna be interesting where this goes>:))))) fun fact I sent you an anon about that before we even started going back and forth hehe throwbackkkkk<3333 you not being able to hold back any noises<33333333 oh fucking perfect I know I’ve mentioned making noises myself but I loooveeeeeeeeeee hearing them from others especially if it’s because of me and what I’m doing to you godddd I wonder what kinds of noises you’d made mhm you know I had the thought tonight of getting close to your neck and then sinking my teeth in when you don’t expect it hehehehe too bad I don’t have fangs that would make it even better don’t you agree? You calling me your good luck charm oh mygodjsjshd that made me happy stim hehehehehehehe oh yes I would let you:) there’s so much I would let you do. You know normally I don’t have much awareness of my bones day. While I read what you said I touched them to your words and felt them. Later I touched more of my bones and giggled like a dumbass idk why but touching my hand bones made me laugh there’s so many in there like way more than I’ve noticed. Though it would be a lot nicer if you were the one touching them instead. They don’t get enough love!!!! And you would appreciate them. I feel like my bones I have the most awareness of are my ribs which sometimes I do run my fingers along, my collar bones used to love those though I’ve been neglecting them in recent years which is :( and my hip bones those are fun to touch. OH AND MY JAWLINE I used to love it haha god I would love to run my finger along yours and kiss along it. Your fascination with bones is intriguing to me. Have you always been into them? How did your fascination with them begin? I hope mine are up to your standards>.>

It’s not stupid at all!!! Lots of people get nervous for their first day. You’re going to do great baby!!! You’re very smart and capable and you’re gonna look cute in whatever outfit you choose. Jealous of all the people who get to see it. Letting me help you pick out your outfit<33333 let’s see hmmmmmm black is your color so you definitely should wear black:] WEAR AN MCR SHIRTTTT and shorts^.^ omg with like boots…yk like combat boots or something like that. That would be sickkkkk

Okay so I ended up dying it in two separate sessions and it's kinda complicated to explain haha. So I used to have a black mohawk, then that grew out (I cut the mohawk shorter) and I bleached all my natural hair and dyed it neon green, then that neon green started to fade and my roots grew in, so yesterday I took a pair of clippers to the back of my head and cut it shorter there before throwing bright red over my entire head, then today, after that, I got my remaining black hair dye and just started pinching locks of the previously-black mohawk between dye and dyed the mohawk section back to black that way, and I took the hair lining my temples and forehead and ears and dyed the edges of those black, and grabbed random strands from the side and dyed those black too. So. All-in-all, my hair is black on top with bright red and black sides. Sorry that got convoluted hahaha. Haha I think it's cute that Hannibal made you think that <3 I think there's two sides of cannibalism that really appeal to me, both the primal animal need to eat flesh from another of your species, and the way Hannibal turns all the meats into culinary pieces of art, I love dedication like that heh. Aargh okay well now I can't wait to watch that video! I guess I'll just have to keep on bingeing <3 Maybe I should branch out and draw some Hannibal too sometime, should I post that here or on my other fandom account? Would people here be interested in Hannibal art by me?

I have absolutely no clue what Guardians of Gahoole is but I'm dying at you thinking Artemis Fowl is about owls hahaha you're so cute <3 I mean it's a fair mistake to make, fowl is a classification of birds hehe.

I also feel a lot of shame surrounding existing, but I get so happy that you're embracing yourself, you deserve all of your own love <3 You don't have to restrain yourself for me baby, but I get it, tell me whatever you feel comfortable telling me about <3 Hehe I was reading this part of your message and immediately thought of that anon, and it was you after all! Mmm I'm not particularly noisy in my room at night, but I'm sure I would be with you darling, you bring out all these parts of me <3 God I'd love for you to sink your teeth in my neck, it's one of my favourite feelings, bite as hard as you want/can baby, make me feel your teeth in my skin for long after. Hng if you had fangs... I love the idea of fangs so much, the sharp pain as they pierce skin, the little bead of blood that'd well up, I'd love for you to sink your hypothetical fangs in my neck ;) There's so many bones in the hand indeed, and so many tendons, and the carpal tunnel... I saw three cadaver arms and the one where the tendons were exposed... and the teacher pulled on them to make the fingers move... oh how I love how the human body works. I bet your bones are so pretty darling, I bet they'd feel so nice under my fingers, gently prodding you to feel any bone I can get my hands on, that you'd let me do that... <3 Collar bones are so pretty, such a perfect little dip to push a finger into to feel the muscle... I love ribs too, the little hills and valleys, tracing them up to the sternum... Hmm your jawline, I bet your jaw would fit so perfect in my hand <3 I don't exactly know how my fascination started, I've always loved the animal skeletons in high school biology classrooms, but I suppose it started as an eating disorder thing. You know all those emaciated girls and boys? How you can practically see right through them because their skin is pulled so taut? There's a morbid fascination in there, outside of the admiration I've always felt. Isn't it insane, to have someone so skinny you can practically see their bones slice through the thin veil of their skin? It's something that intrinsically scares you, someone so skinny you can just tell it's not good for them, but it's beautiful too. The human extremes. I also just love gore, though that's a recent development I suppose, morbid fascination too :] There's just something so magical about knowing what goes on inside a body, to have the privilege to see it with your own two eyes, it's as much arousing as it is beautiful to me. For all that I express that I hate humanity, the human species is a sight to behold <3

Thank you darling for your sweet words <3 I'm definitely going to wear an MCR shirt,just gotta choose which one hehe. It's gonna be pretty cold at 7am so I don't know yet if shorts will work, but I'll let you know what outfit I picked <3 Thank you for your help cutie I love all those ideas <3

#wonder if i can make a monochrome black/red outfit to go with my hair hehe #oh man im gonna go all-out emo methinks i think thatll be a fun spook for my new classmates :]#i hope youve been having a wonderful weekend darling <3 #warnings:#cw death #ed not ed sheeran #asks

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namuneulbo · 11 months

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week eighty

this week was good mentally ig? idk my ocd has been really nice to me lately and my compulsions havent been as bad as they usually are which is nice. i hope this continues for a while at least.

monday was happy for me. wearing my fav bowie shirt helps too. its gotten a small spot now that didnt go away in the wash and ive frantically been putting a bunch of cleaning chemicals on it and hoping itll go away bc shit was expensive + its one of my fav shirts i own + its one of my comfiest shirts + ratio + ur mom.

we had a grunting workshop at school w the singer of finntroll which was super epic. hes so cool lol and i was just super excited ab getting the proper learn it and get feedback in real time so ik im not doing something bad to my vocal chords and throat and all that. he said i sounded good while we were trying some stuff out as a group so that boosted my ego a lot lol.

now,,,, exciting !!! thing !!!

me and my friends came back to school by the end of lunch break and who do i see as we walk in...?

w, of course!

i had said hi to him earlier iirc but i might be mixing up the days, anyways, i somehow managed to just walk up to him and talk to him. nothing crazy, i just asked him ab the paramore cover band stuff and being like “yooo, is it still happening or..?” and he was like “oh yeah, i still really want to do it, im just very busy atm” and i was like “ah, thats fine, i can help u out w anything if u want to. its fine if it gets a bit postponed too!” and he was all like “ah, thanks!”. that wasnt perfectly transcribed bc ive honestly forgotten a lot of the things that were said but those were the key points ig. i just got so nervous when talking to him lol i was just staring into his eyes the whole time which is super rare for me but ig i was so focused on what i had to say that i didnt even think of it but now all i remember is how green his eyes are and how cutely he smiled when he thanked me and i also feel like ive stood way too close to him although i dont think i did in reality but like considering all i remember are his eyes it feels as it ive stood too close. we had a cute lil bye sesh and then i ran to class. everyone was there already and i just sat next to c and smiled frantically. my friends had seen me walk up to him and thankfully they just walked to class wo me bc i wouldnt have done so,,, okay w them behind me, watching me try to talk to this silly lil guy. anyways, i explained as much as i could considering we were still in a room full of ppl who know this guy lol. i showed how shakey i was to c and they laughed ab it. i remember going to fill my water bottle and just jumping up and down in excitement the second i locked the bathroom door and my hand shaking like crazy as i held my water bottle under the streaming water.

tuesday! the workshop continued! afterwards we were in a smaller group of people and got more personal feedback. he said i did it really well and that i have the technique down so im super happy ab that.

wednesday was iconic. there was this party for the uni part of my school that ppl had been talking ab lots. as far as ik it was like a lil party for just the uni students where they were performing for each other. w was playing there even though hes not in uni yet. he played w his tribute band (which ik bc i saw him listening to a playlist w the name of the party and it was just filled w the police songs and it was made by the bassist in that band, who i later followed on spotify too hehe hes so cool and his music taste is so good bro?). so thered be that performance thing party and then an after party in our school party place thingy in the basement.

since it was wednesday, it was music quiz as well so i was ofc going to that. i knew i could get into the after party so i decided to freshen myself up a bit extra before going out for the extremely tiny chance that w would be at the party.

for context, w is NOT a party person. he doesnt drink and he also just,, doesnt ever go out really?? hes just like me fr but anyways, i thought today he might actually be there bc of the performance thingy. like yk, he might as well go? i thought?

so i first go to a short pregame at ds place. i got there so late that i didnt drink anything before going to the bar. i watched them speedrun a drinking game before we left to the bar.

once we were at the bar we had to sit further in bc of how full it was. i prefer sitting closer to the enterance bc the volumes lower, anyways, vs parents were there which was quite fun ig haha they were really nice and his mom was so cute so it was fun. the quiz this week was so hard though, the songs were so weird and the trivia qs were just a bunch of statistics that no one would know. i was so hungry so i decided to not drink anything until the afterparty bc i didnt want to throw up. vs dad bought us salmiac shots though which i obviously could not refuse, theyre my fav. afterwards, i went home and devoured some cheese and tomato sandwiches and then i went back to ds place. we stayed there until we got a green light to leave and go to the after party.

earlier at the bar i had asked c how big of a chance it would be that w would be at the after party. she confidently laughed and said “like, 10%. absolutely no way hes there, sorry girl!”. i try to persuade her being like “hm but think ab it!” and shes like “yea, its a bigger chance than other days but dont get ur hopes up too much”. i ask the same thing of l. they say “oh god, no way. he wont be there. 95% sure he wont be there. no way.”. personally, i thought there was like a 40% chance hed be there.

we arrive at the after party. me and l were by ourselves pretty much. we scan the place and no w is to be seen. i get a bit disappointed although nothing crazy since i knew he wouldnt ACTUALLY be there but yk, i still had my hopes up. me and l sit down in a couch by the bar. i turn to them and kinda pout being like a bit sarcastically overdramatic and say “not even ds here!”. linnea looks at me and points behind me w a small gesture and goes: “look”.

i see d walking confidently towards the bar. n and w walking softly behind him. me and l just stare at each other w wide eyes and the second they walked out the room we burst out in laughter bc both the chance and the timing was so crazy. we get up to see where they went but dont stalk too intently. we went back to the bar room after a while and sit down on another couch and talk w s. s is super talkative and fun so hes very appreciated when ur feeling a bit lost at parties and gatherings. we sit and talk w him and i see d, n and w walking back in the room. they walk past and i stare lovingly at w. they sit down on the couch me and l sat on earlier and w sat right where i sat. ty god!

i can see w nicely from where im sitting and its like a side angle but like far enough back that he cant see me staring unless he turns his head so im taking this opportunity to STARE. i analyze his outfit. hes wearing black shoes instead of the usual white nikes ones or the yellow vans. his long brown hair falls cutely under his hat. his black tee is once again hugging his biceps so ,, attractively. at one point he throws his head back and keeps it there for a while. he was probably tired. it was 1 am tbf. i feel quite bad saying its hot in a way bc i do feel bad for him if he was just feeling tired and wanted to go home but like,,, bro put his whole adams apple on display for me, a firm lover of big adams apples, i just couldnt help but die on the inside. so hot. i had never noticed how big his adams apple was until that. new feature to admire hihi!

i watch him scroll through facebook and insta as his friends talk w others. im far away enough that i cant tell what the posts r or anything. hes so interesting. ive always seen him as super talkative and outgoing but hes not really? i think he might just be an introvert whose social battery had run out. i think we might be quite similar socially actually. i do think hes less shy than me, he seems that way at least but i do think hes similar to me where i just have better and worse days and somedays im super talkative and talk to random ppl more easily and somedays im quite quiet and barely talk to ppl ik. hes also like, alone, a lot. i feel a bit bad for him. i think it might be by choice? he does talk to ppl, its not that, but he tends to walk around school alone. ig its bc hes not actually in school but just doing civilian work.

i slept a total of four hours before my shift the next morning. two at night, got ready in one hour and slept for another two before leaving for work. i was surprisingly awake at work though. like, yeah, i could feel the lack of sleep but it wasnt terrible. i did some grocery shopping afterwards.

friday! last official day of school. i just have my graduation left. we didnt have anything important in the morning but i went to school to see if w was there. he wasnt in the morning TT i followed l to the shop and they went to buy coffee then went to the library to study. i went back to school for a short bit to see if hed be there, he wasnt. i talked to c briefly and told her ab why i was in school so early and she gave me a lil look and scoffed but it was funny. i went home and drank a pepsi and got some studying done before heading back for lunch. during lunch break i see w for the first time. i was too shy to say hi though.

our schedule said the afternoon was a surprise so no one knew what we were doing. we all met in the main hallway of the music building and then went out. they left while i was in the bathroom so i had to run and catch up w them. theyd gone quite far so it was quite embarrassing running all across the town square. everyone was guessing where we were going as we walked. i walked w c, l and l. l joked that we were going to see one of the schools alumni play in the park and i believed him for a good minute before they told me it was just a joke. i guessed we were going to play mini golf and i was right lol. we played mini golf and it was so hot outside bro. i was wearing a black hoodie and black jeans so i was DYING. it was fun for a bit but i dont really enjoy it so it got boring quickly since it was so hot too and its just too repetitive and w a big team it takes ages to finish.

after that we had a music quiz (or two in a way, one w tv show themes and one w normal songs) in the park w some ice cream. i was sad we didnt get to pick teams but i got to be in the same team as c at least. we took one last class group pic together too :’)

there was this small culture event starting in the evening. it was a festival that lasted all weekend. it had a small participation fee and it was even cheaper w the student “pay what u can” ticket. i only went on friday and saturday bc the only event on sunday was the same art exhibition they displayed the entire weekend. i was pleasantly surprised by friday bc i had higher expectations ab saturday but ended up liking fridays programmes more.

on friday, me and l got there around 7 pm and wHO DO I SEE AS SOON AS I GET THROUGH THE DOOR??? not w BUT both of his parents. see, ive stalked his parents instas LIGHTLY. i felt weird ab going too deep but ive just seen the pics hes tagged in from his parents instas so i just know his parents names and what they look like. i knew his mom had some project there bc her name was on all of the posters. i ‘fangirl’ a bit to l and we go on w the exhibition, enjoying the epic art. the first programme is a 30 minute sesh of video art on the screen. i love video art a lot, its always my fav when at a museum. the first one was actually the one ws mom made, or well, she was the performer in it and i was just staring bc she looked SO YOUNG. she has gray hair but in the video it was blonde and she just looked so youthful i was questioning whether i was tripping and just seeing things. shes such a cute lady. it was a really cool video of her doing,,, interpretive dancing? silly gestures? in the forest. it was so pretty. afterwards she held a little speech and it was really interesting and agh such a cute lady like actually so loveable. i love humans sm.

the second video was a video of someone manically vacuuming while dressed in underwear. it was silly but it was nice w something less intense in-between.

the third was quite a short one of a robot speaking ab how it doesnt feel feelings and stuff. kinda scary.

the fourth one i cried at lol idk if it was bc i felt emotional or if it was eyeliner getting into my eye or the bright light coming from the screen but i cried lol. it was another forest video. a person standing in the forest, trying to rip their sweater off but not managing to do it. there was a repeating phrase in swedish in the back but i cant remember the exact quote but it was something like “taking off the body that is you”. so beautiful.

id say the last one had the most elements to it. white (like, literally, fully white clothing, hair and makeup) person walking around in unsaturated landscapes. v pretty.

afterwards there was a dj thing that we decided to skip to go to the bar. we went to see a rage against the machine cover band but i had to leave quite early bc i was so socially drained and also, i forgot my ear protection so i was scared to stand there wo it. im so scared of getting tinnitus, esp as a musician.

saturday! i met up w e in the early afternoon. shes got a summer job at h&m and im so jealous. we went to some garden thrift shops (?) in the older part of town. such pretty gardens and i ended up getting a dark blue flannel and three glass bottles to put flowers in. v happy!

we later went to a café and chatted for an hour or so. i had an iced latte and a mudcake and it was so yum ! we then went walking around some shops and then went out for ice cream from the ice cream stand. theyve changed to the yucky soft serve and im so sad. only mcdonalds has the good soft serve nowadays TT

we spent the last hour or so at my place and did nothing really. i just touched up my makeup and gave her a try-on haul of the flannel. i feel really bad in a way. im so sure she likes me and it feels so mean now that i have a crush on someone else. i liked her a LITTLE. like i was a bit intrigued by the idea back in september but she didnt seem to have that then. i do think she deserves someone who gets as much butterflies as she does when theyre w each other though. ive realized thats usually the best way to make me realize whether i like someone or not. i need butterflies! such a good feeling!

in the evening me, c, l and ls ‘friend’ e went to the event again to join a queer culture quiz. we SUCKED, it was truly humbling. e was super nice and it was fun getting to speak english for a bit. after the quiz i joined c to the store to buy some food. i didnt get anything bc i wasnt THAT hungry and i knew wed go out for food later anyways. we met i on the way there and then again in the store. c and i sat in the park while they ate their food and then we went back to the venue. we missed some performance thingy but i wasnt too interested in it anyways. we came just in time for an elvis impersonator. it was surely,,, something. me and c were both very shocked over the ,,, quality... the thing is it was supposed to be satire but like it was just,,, actually bad. the costume was cool though. we then listened to some ambient music woah. i thought it would be a bit different but it was alright. c had to leave earlier bc she got overwhelmed by it and me, e and l left once some more ppl started leaving. nobody seemed to enjoy it that much. we stood outside and talked w s for a while. at one point a bunchhhh of ppl started leaving which was quite funny to watch happen.

we left after a bit and we went to get fries and the hot guy was at the cash register!!!!!!! super happy. me and c fangirled a bit over how hot he was.

we ate the fries in the park and i was feeling a bit woah ab the fact that we were IN the park so late at night. its a big park and its kinda known for being sketchy at night but we walked out unstabbed so id call it a success.

lastly, we went to the bar. it was filled w ppl and the festival held its after party there. it was basically a rave so i didnt really go to the dance floor but i stood outside passively smoking for hours instead. we were kind of awkward bc no one wanted to go up and talk to ppl. i suggested we couldve gone and talk to h and s and their friends or c and d and after suggesting c and d, c (my friend c, not this guy c) scoffed and went like “what would we talk ab w c and d? smoking weed?” and i was like “yeah? lets smoke w them yo!” and then they just ignored it lol but i kept talking ab going smoking w d throughout the night and i think i was the only one who found it funny. good thing i was sober bc i think if i wouldve been drunk i mightve even actually walked up to d and been like “yo,,, ik weve never exchanged a single word before but ur really cool, love ur bass stuff dawg (+ i have a massive crush on ur drummer friend), wanna get high?”

i left after a while bc i got bored bc my chingus didnt want to talk w anyoneeeee. fell asleep and woke up w a cold and its so bad atm. my entire body hurts and im so weak. work was so bad bc of it and idk,,, i might have to call in sick next shift. well see.

ive been listening to a lot of the police this past week so obviously...

sotw: the police - every breath you take

#diary #tumblr diary #namuneulbo

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auckie · 2 years

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Do you have any more autism child stories?

i have so many, most either involve me genuinely believing im about to be killed as a consequence of doing something really batshit autistic or just being a huge bully and asshole in middle school (but like, in an autistic dipshit way). but the first two that comes to mind that's sorta on par with the cars post in terms of like, clusterfuck, is when this kid in my like elementary grade class didnt show up to school one day. turns out his dad passed away in a car accident, and so we were asked to make cards for him. i loooved to draw the stupid paul frank monkey

remember this thing? i would doodle it everwhere. so when it came time to do our cards, i put three of these things on the card, doing the 'see/hear/speak no evil' poses, and on the inside i think it just said like 'sorry your dad died </3' or something completely tone deaf. his best friend, who i had a huge crush on, stopped me and was like. no way in hell youre giving that to my best friend. his dad DIED. i don't remember if i turned it in to the teacher or not, but i do remember that i was really mad about it, and didn't understand what i did wrong, so come the end of the day, when we had to pick up and stack our chairs, i picked mine up and rammed it into him, ripping a hole in the ass of his pants. and for some reason, i didn't get in trouble. i never did despite like physically aggressing kids in front of teachers all the time, because i was smart and shy and i think they must've assumed i was just defending myself? not true at all. anyways, this second part isn't directly related, but they happened within days of each other and so i assumed it was like punishment for my actions: my mom left some country crock lemonade powder out on the kitchen counter one day, and i took a huge scoop and ate it raw right before she walked into the room and said 'oh yeah, don't use that lemonade powder because i poured paint thinner in it.' and then walked out. and i like. yknow i was like. tails gets trolled horrified face! my dad was always joking about paint thinner related deaths, so i KNEW, i knew if i had ingested it i was done for, but i didn't really understand how long it would take, or how i would feel because i was too little to think about these things critically. so i assumed i was going to die, but i was too shy/sad/embarassed to say anything about it, and for the rest of the week i was like writing out my own eulogy, last will and testament, my last rights etc. and i had this little magic 8 ball toy from mcdonalds-- it might not've been a magic 8 ball, bc i remember it being both dexter's lab themed and also lion king themed...but regardless, it was something that answered 'yes/no/maybe/try again later' when shook or spun or whatever. and i kept referring to it like it was Gd's way of speaking to me, trying to figure out when i was going to finally hit the bucket. i was my name is earling everyone too, and they took notice bc i would leave like little chocolates at my parents bedroom door like a cat leaves a dead bird for its owner, and when i they finally beat what was wrong out of me, my mom LAUGHED! at me being so absurd. like i didn't think i was going to fucking die for a solid week as punishment for shoving a chair leg up another kid's ass, for trying to prevent me from mocking his dad's death.

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tsumucore · 4 years

Text

LUCID DREAMS

✎ … Miya Atsumu

word count: 5.2k

warnings: NSFW, pwp, daddy kink, a lot of degradation, spanking, choking, sexting, overstimulation, masturbation, he kinda spits in your mouth, just rough sex overall

All characters are 18+ !!!!

A/N: this is my first nsfw fic, so pls bear with me 🥺 I’m also dedicating this to @starboybokuto and @strawbericream for inspiring me and also bc they’re literally smut icons in the fandom and after writing this, I’m realizing just how hard it it to do and I just wanna appreciate them for all the effort they put in <3

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ

His moans were like honey, pouring from his sweet lips and into your ears, as his thrusts became erratic. He was close. The sounds of your own pleasure filled the room before he swallowed them up completely with his beautiful mouth. You were close. This space that was inhabited by you two was the only dimension where time didn’t exist. Nothing else mattered in this moment, except for each other. You were so, so, so, so, so clo-

“Wake up!”

Your roommate’s exclamation breaks you out of your lust-filled slumber with a jolt. You groan and silently curse her as details of the dream gradually come back to you; she’d have to make a run for it if she valued her life, or at least avoiding getting smacked in the face by the pillow you throw at her with impressive force.

“Y/N, what did I do? she whines. “You told me to wake you up. I only did what you said!”

“Literally fuck you, I was having a good dream,” you fire back.

“MAN if you don’t… anyway shouldn’t you be in class by now?” Your eyes widen as you fumble for your phone to check the time.

“Shit!” Usually, you wouldn’t have bothered showing up if you were running late, but this class took attendance, and you were already on the cusp between two letter grades. A menial attendance point could be the difference between maintaining your GPA or tarnishing it.

You wash up in record time, throw on some clothes, and shove your necessary belongings in your backpack before slinging it on your back. You don’t even have time to fill up your water bottle; you’d just have to purchase one on campus later. You pop in your earbuds, select a random playlist, and fly out the door.

You don’t stop until you reach the lecture hall. You try not to cringe as you push open the door, slinking your way in the back to find an open seat; luckily, there was one near the door so your humiliation was short-lived. When you finally sit down and situate yourself, you take a deep breath for the first time that morning and collect your thoughts.

As your mind wanders, memories of your erotic dream come back to you. The faintest of color tints your cheeks, and you shift slightly in your seat as you subtly cross your legs. You pull out your phone, preparing to fire a text at lightning speed. You need your boyfriend.

Y/N: i miss you

Atsumu: :))

Y/N: im not trying to gas ur big head up even more than it already is i’m just whore knee

Atsumu: OH????? aren’t you in class rn?

Y/N: i’d rather be choking on your fat cock tbh

Atsumu: naughty girl, why are you saying such things in the middle of class?

Y/N: what are you gonna do about it... choke me? spank me? make me cum over and over and over again?

Atsumu: Watch your mouth, baby...

Y/N: Ok...

Y/N: ...daddy.

Fighting the smile tugging at your lips, you set your phone on ‘do not disturb’ and refocus your attention on the professor’s droning voice. By the time lecture was over, you scramble out of the building, eager to make a quick call to your boyfriend so you could describe to him in specific detail everything you wanted him to do to you.

Alas, you heard the voices of your friends calling out to you, so you’re forced to sit through idle chit-chat until your next class starts. Of course, today was also a full day, so you would have to endure the rest of your classes, your position as a TA, and the study session your classmates were pulling together at the library for your next exam - which just so happened to be in two days, meaning you couldn’t opt out. At this rate, you wouldn’t be leaving campus until dark. And it was only 10 in the morning.

While you daydream in your next class, you’re broken out of your reverie by the realization that you had neglected to check your phone after effectively ending the conversation with Atsumu the way that you had. You unlock your phone, seeing that you have just one unread message from him - a photo.

You know what’s coming before you even open it, so you’re careful to ensure that your screen isn’t in anyone’s line of sight - luckily, you were sitting in the back again, so there aren’t any prying eyes over your shoulder. You turn down the brightness and open the conversation before practically salivating on the spot.

You have an idea of what exactly the photo was going to be of, but nothing could prepare you for the effect it had on you.

It’s evident that he had propped up his phone on something and taken the photo on self-timer. Bleached tufts of hair fell over his forehead as he winked back at you through the screen with his lips pursed as if he was going to kiss someone. The only thing he wore was a gold chain around his neck. He was flashing a peace sign with one hand, while the other was wrapped around a good sized erection.

You feel your mouth dry up and your thighs subconsciously squeeze together. The way this photo was triggering a physiological reaction from your body was astounding. You need this man, and you need him now. You whisper to your friend that you had to use the bathroom, that you might be gone for a while - it must have been the iced coffee going straight through you - and to let you know if you missed anything. You try not to trip over anyone’s legs in your haste to get to the restroom.

Since this was a fairly large building, there were multiple restrooms, and so you locate the one you know is always empty and secluded - the one below the main floor. Once you enter, you do a quick check in each stall to make sure you’re alone before locking the door. You go into the biggest stall and commence with your plan of action.

You take off your shirt and bra and neatly hang them on the hooks behind the stall door. The sudden exposure to the chilly air makes you shiver as your nipples harden in response. You then bring your phone up to your chest, so that your face isn't in frame and begin to record yourself lightly massaging your breasts. You make sure to softly moan Atsumu’s name when you pinch your nipple, rolling it between your thumb and index finger. After about thirty seconds, you promptly send the footage to your boyfriend.

He immediately starts facetiming you which causes your thighs to squeeze together expectantly. When you answer the call, you’re greeted with dark, lustful eyes and a shit-eating grin.

“I heard someone missed me today.” His tone is slightly mocking, indicative of something deeper underneath.

“I had a dream about you,” you inform him as you slowly begin to massage your breasts the way you had before.

“Yeah? What happened in your dream?” His eyes darken as he shrewdly observes the way you sigh as your fingers glide over your nipples. God, he wished he could just take them in between his teeth.

You bite your lip in response to his tone becoming increasingly huskier. “I dreamed about you… fucking me.” Your voice falters a bit as you suddenly feel a wave of shyness rush over you. Atsumu often had this effect on you - sure, there was no limit to the amount of things you had done together; however, he was still able to make you feel flustered, as if it was the first time all over again.

“How naughty,” he scoffs. “You love actin’ so innocent, but what would people say if they really knew what was goin’ on in that pretty little head of yours? What would they say if they saw what you were tellin’ me in the middle of class? Do ya know what they would say, dollface?”

You can’t bring yourself to respond, only managing a feeble shaking of your head.

“They would call you a whore. A filthy, depraved slut. And do ya know what sluts get?”

Again, another feeble shake.

“Nothing. Sluts get nothing,” he laughs mockingly as he angles his phone until you have an adequate view of the way he’s been stroking himself this entire time. “And now, dollface, you’re gonna have to watch me get myself off. I want your hands off of yourself entirely... If I catch you touchin’ yourself even once, you get nothing. But if you’re good, I might just play with ya later.”

You whimper at his order, but you have no choice; you had brought this upon yourself by getting him riled up with those texts in the first place. As you swallow thickly, he begins to jerk himself off - slowly at first, torturing you with each stroke as he looks directly through the camera and into your eyes. He then begins to pick up the pace as heavy pants and the occasional moan escapes from his mouth.

“See what ya did to me, baby? This is all because of you.” His breathing grows erratic as he edges closer and closer to his release. “And now look at you. Watchin’ a man jerk off in a public restroom, with your tits out, when you’re supposed to be in class like a good girl. Now tell me, does that sound like a good girl?”

You merely whimper in response.

“Answer me,” he practically growls. “Does. That. Sound. Like. A. Good. Girl.”

“No,” you whisper as you feel a surge of arousal rush to your core. You knew your panties would be suffering thoroughly by the time you returned to class.

“Then tell me, dollface. What. Are. You.” Each enunciation is emphasized with a hard stroke to his cock - the same way he would be thrusting into you. It takes absolutely everything in you not to sneak your hand down to your throbbing clit; he’d know if you did, he always did. The prospect of not being touched by him later was unthinkable, so you continue to helplessly watch him fuck his own hand.

“I’m a filthy whore, your filthy whore,” you whine in compliance as you watch him thrust into his hand a few more times before letting out a long, drawn out moan and spilling his release all over himself. You can’t help the moan that escapes your own lips as you take in the sight of his flushed face and heavy rising and falling of his chest.

“You actually listened to me for once? This is a surprise,” he chuckles once he recovers from his orgasm. “Hurry up and come over… I’ll fuck ya ‘til you can’t even remember your own name.”

•.｡.༺✩༻.｡.•

For the rest of the day, you hoped you were doing a relatively adequate job of hiding your arousal as you went about your responsibilities. You were literally counting down the seconds until you were finished with everything so you could meet up with Atsumu and let him fuck you like he promised. At one point, you caught yourself almost drooling during your group study session at the library. You took this as your cue to leave, so you politely excused yourself by letting the others know that it was time for you to leave as you had to get up early the next morning.

After what felt like the longest and, thanks to Atsumu, the most torturous day ever, you felt completely ravenous. From the second you had woken up, you had been straight up horny, and the fact that you hadn't been able to take care of it was driving you insane. You had been rushed all day, never having a moment to yourself, and when you did, Atsumu had specifically instructed you not to satisfy yourself the way you needed to be satisfied. It was unfair.

To make matters worse, you missed the train that would take you to Atsumu’s apartment as he lived quite a while away from your campus. The next train would be leaving in an hour, which was just too much for you at this point. Delay after delay. You grit your teeth in frustration as you weigh your options: you could wait another painstaking hour for the train that would inevitably take you to your dick appointment or you could spend a fortune by calling for a taxi and getting there right now. While you mentally calculate your finances, your clit throbs just slightly when you cross your legs, which causes you to throw all thoughts of being a penniless college student out the window in favor of getting fucked mercilessly as soon as possible.

•.｡.༺✩༻.｡.•

Of course the elevator in Atsumu’s apartment building was currently out of order at that moment, leaving you with no other choice but to climb the seven flights of stairs to his apartment. At this point, you feel like you’re running on some sort of primal instinct as you sprint up the stairs with the vigor possessed by only someone who’s about to be dicked down. By the time you reach his door, you’re already huffing and puffing, but your own exhaustion escapes your mind as you ring his doorbell impatiently. Once the door swings open, you’re greeted with the sight of your boyfriend smirking back at you.

The motherfucker wore nothing but loose gray sweatpants that hung dangerously low on his hips and the same gold chain around his neck from earlier. You chuck your backpack on the floor and throw yourself onto him, pressing your lips against his (minty?) ones. The kiss is sloppy and intense as you try to make him feel the desperation you had been forced to endure all day long.

Somehow, your clothes find themselves on the ground in a matter of seconds. He lightly slaps at your thigh, a signal for you to jump into his arms. When you do, your hands immediately find themselves tangled in his hair, and you tug at the roots lightly, earning a growl from him. You gasp and moan into his mouth when you feel his hands give your ass a good squeeze. He manages to carry you like this into his bedroom before gently dropping you onto his bed, where he palms himself above you as he gazes at your nude form. On god, you can literally see his dick print through his sweats, and it only fuels the wetness forming between your thighs.

“Atsumu, I’ve been waiting all fucking day long. Stop being an asshole and fuck me already like you promised,” you whine as you reach your hands up to rub them along his abdomen, relishing in the feeling of his abs beneath your fingertips. You were hoping that this would coax him into giving you what you want, but he merely ceases his actions and raises an eyebrow at you.

“Who do you think you are, talkin’ to me like that?” His eyes narrow, and he leans down so that he’s hovering directly above you. “Is my baby so goddamn horny that she actually forgot her manners?” His hand comes up to wrap around your throat, gradually squeezing it harder as he glares at you. “Looks like I’ll have to remind ya how to properly speak to me. Turn over - I want that ass up in the air.”

You pout as you obey his command and flip over on your knees so that your face is shoved into the pillow and your ass is sticking straight up for him, bracing yourself for what you know is about to come.

“You know the drill, since you wanna be such a goddamn slut - count for daddy.” Before you can respond, his hand collides with your left asscheek, causing you to yelp and moan, “One,” weakly into the pillow. The sting doesn’t last for very long, but you know better - by tomorrow, you won’t be able to sit properly.

He continues delivering powerful slaps to your ass and admires the way it jiggles with every smack and the redness blooming across the soft flesh. Every so often, he plunges two fingers into your now sopping heat, without warning. He removes them as quickly as he puts them in, causing you to whine in frustration. By the time you reach ten spanks, you’re babbling incoherently as you wiggle your hips in the air, clenching around nothing and desperate for anything to fill you up.

He flips you back over on your back and scoffs at your desperation. “Have you learned your lesson, whore?” It’s not a question - it’s a demand.

As much as you want to do or say whatever he wants so that he can fuck you already, it’s always more fun to see what happens when you piss him off. You jut out your lower lip in a pout and stare up at him defiantly. “No.”

Before you know it, you’re being flipped back onto your stomach. Another round of brutal spankings are delivered to your asscheeks, causing tears to prick your eyes as the burning pain sets in. You’re going to be sore for the next week.

“Leave it to a whore to be so mouthy,” he growls as he flips you over on your back again and thrusts two fingers into your cunt. “But you like this, don’t ya? You like pissin’ me off, because you like getting your pretty little ass spanked and you like being choked, whether it’s by my hand or on my cock. I should shut you up with my cock, since you wanna be so mouthy. Tell me, do ya like choking on cock, whore?”

“Yes, daddy,” you moan quite loudly. The combination of his degrading words and consistent thrusting of his fingers in and out of your pussy was sending you into a haze.

“Of course you fucking do,” he spits. “You told me so yourself when you were sitting all innocent in class. In fact, what else did ya tell me?” His thumb was now brushing vigorously against your clit during each thrust, causing your legs to shake violently. The whimpers falling from your lips grow louder as you focus on the buildup slowly forming in the pit of your stomach. However, your lack of response doesn’t impress him. He immediately pulls his fingers out and slaps your pussy, eliciting a jerk from your entire body and a drawn-out moan from the surprising sensation.

“Answer me, fuckdoll. Or you get nothing.” He literally shoves his fingers back in and continues his relentless thrusting, filling the room with the squelching sounds of your sloppy cunt. You scramble to remember the contents of the lewd texts you had sent him earlier that day, but your brain is so hazy from the orgasm you know is about to hit you, that you’re stumbling through your words.

“I-I said something about w-wanting to choke on your cock-” your sentence is cut off with a long moan as he applies direct pressure on your clit with his thumb.

“We established that already, dollface,” he scoffs. “What. Else.”

“I d-don’t remember,” you wail and thrash your head side to side against the pillow. Your release is so close, you can taste it. “Daddy, please let me cum - I’m going to cum!”

“Don’t remember? That’s a shame,” he remarks as he completely stops his actions and pulls his fingers out, yet again. You let out a scream of frustration at the fact that your orgasm was just cruelly ripped away from you. “Let’s see, maybe we need a refresher.” To your disbelief, he pulls out his phone and scrolls to the conversation from that morning. “Hmm, you told me to choke and spank you… Well, I’ve already done both of those, so what else?” His eyes narrow down at your quivering form and, to your relief, he puts his fingers back in you and continues thrusting. What was the last thing you told me, whore?”

“I-I told you to m-make me cum over and over a-again,” you gasp out as one final sharp thrust sends you completely over the edge. Before you know it, you’re screaming his name as you crash down from your high.

You moan in bliss as you feel the utter fucking release of the tension that had been building up inside you all day long. However, you barely have time to relax before you realize Atsumu’s still going at it in your now sensitive pussy.

“Tsumu,” you gasp as you feel your body jerking in response to the oversensitivity. “It’s s-so much… I-I c-can’t-”

The motherfucker literally laughs as he watches your face contort from the sheer overwhelming pleasure. “What? You asked for it. You’re droolin’ already and all I’ve given you are my fingers.” His jeering words ignite the fire building up for the second time as tears stream down your face from the overstimulation. “You tellin’ me you want me to stop?” He stuffs a third finger inside, stretching you even further and eliciting even more delicious cries from your lips. It felt like his fingers were thrusting even harder and faster, if that was possible.

“N-no, keep g-going,” you wail before you’re hit with your second orgasm of the night. All that you’re able to get out is a blubbering combination of “daddy” and “Tsumu” as your vision goes white and you hear the roaring of your own blood in your ears.

Atsumu finally slides his fingers out of your drenched pussy, eyes fixating on the string from your fluids attached to them. He takes advantage of your still panting mouth to stuff his fingers in between your lips. “You know what to do.” His eyes darken as he watches you desperately suck on his fingers, tasting your own essence on them. After he feels that you’ve effectively done a thorough job of cleaning them off for him, he smirks and pulls them out before leaning down so that he’s hovering above you.

“Good girl. Open wide for your reward.” Once you comply, he works up a good amount of saliva and lets it fall in your mouth, directly on your tongue. You moan as you relish the taste of his spit and swallow it all. “Thank you daddy,” you beam up at him.

He draws himself back in satisfaction as he pulls his sweatpants off, freeing his rock hard length and letting it slap against his abdomen. As spent as you are from your previous orgasms, there’s nothing you’re craving more than for him to be balls deep in your tight pussy. He just remains where he is, stroking himself as he watches you grow impatient for him to do something already.

“Tsumu,” you plead in the calmest tone you can muster. “Please fuck me already.”

He merely continues to pump his cock, much to your dismay. “How much do you want my big cock, whore?” Again, it isn’t a question.

“I want it more than anything in the whole wide world,” you beg. Each stroke to his cock only serves to increase your frustration.

“Prove it.”

You let out a groan and proceed to rub your tits, squeezing them together and rolling your nipples in between your fingers. In your attempt to please him, you notice the way Atsumu slightly picks up the pace of his strokes as he watches you play with your tits.

But it still isn’t enough for him.

“You can do better than that.”

Fucking hell. You let go of your breasts and spread your legs, hooking your hands behind your knees so that he has a perfect view of your pretty, spoiled pussy. Your cheeks burn as you bring your hand down to spread your lips, offering him access to your slick hole. “C’mon, Tsumuuuuu… I’m all good and ready for you.”

Atsumu swallows thickly and finally relents. He grabs your thighs and holds them open as he positions himself at your entrance and pushes into you. You’re so wet from your previous orgasms that he slides in easily, burying himself to the brim as he loses himself in the feeling of being fully sheathed inside you and lets out a long moan. It feels like your pussy is literally swallowing him up as he bottoms out. Your eyes roll back as you feel yourself being deliciously, oh so wonderfully, stretched. His fingers were heavenly on their own, but nothing in the world could compare to the feeling of his thick cock hitting all the right spots in you.

“Fuck, yeahhh. You’re so tight, fuck. How are ya so tight?” Atsumu’s breathing is heavy as he squeezes his eyes shut, relishing the sensation of your walls clenching around him. He starts thrusting slowly, checking your face for any signs of discomfort. However, you grow impatient and start wiggling your hips, urging him to go faster. He scoffs and slaps your breast in response. “Be patient, dollface. You’ll take what I give ya.” You whimper, but cease your actions. Atsumu must have apparently decided that was enough for him as well, because he picks up his speed.

His hips slap against you from the brutal way he fucks you into oblivion. His strokes are deep and hard, causing you to turn into a sobbing mess. The room is filled with the sounds of his balls slapping against your ass and your cries begging him to not stop and go even harder. The way he pounds into you has your entire body rocking back and forth as you moan at the feeling of his pelvis meeting you with each movement.

“M-more, daddy!” Drool is seeping out of the corners of your open mouth and your eyes are glazed over from the sheer feeling of him being balls deep in you.

“You love being fucked like this, don’t ya?” Atsumu’s grunts fill your ears and you clench even tighter at his words. “An’ it’s never enough for you. Insatiable whore.” He delivers a particularly sharp thrust at the word “whore” which makes you blubber nonsensically. You want to tell him that you’re his insatiable whore, but your words are jumbling together as all your senses are devoted to the way his cock is slamming in and out of your cunt.

At this rate, you’re about to cum again in no time. Atsumu picks up on this and makes you wrap your legs around him so he can pound into you even deeper from this new angle. The tip of his dick now hits your g spot with each brutal thrust, making you literally scream in delirium. He’s more than pleased at your response, which is why he suddenly halts his movements and tilts his head at you in the cockiest manner. You want to scream and swear at him in every language possible, but you’re in such disbelief that all you can muster is the dirtiest glare at him. He laughs at the way your hips involuntarily move around him.

“Look at ya, you’re so fuckin’ cockhungry. I’m not even doing anything and your pussy’s tryna suck me in.” Before you can protest, he suddenly pulls out so that just the tip of his dick is inside you and slams back in with no warning. He’s back to thrusting into you, hitting your g spot with immense force.

Before you know it, the knot that had been forming in your stomach completely snaps. His eyes train on the way your tongue lolls out of your mouth and your eyes cross together as your mind goes completely blank when you cum yet again. Your pussy clenches around him, causing him to swear profusely, and your fluids gush out involuntarily. Your cheeks are flushed and your chest is covered in the sheen from your sweat. He lets go of your thighs and leans over to meet your lips with his, never stopping the steady rhythm of his thrusts. You pant into his mouth as the sound of your heartbeat pounds in your ears and the cool metal of his chain dangles against your skin.

“C’mon, make that face again for me.” Atsumu begins to rub your clit harshly, eliciting a high-pitched mewl from you as your entire body shudders.

“I-I-I…” Your teeth are clenched and your eyes are squeezed shut as pressure fills your head from the overwhelming sensation spreading throughout your body. It’s all too much, and you’re not sure you can cum again.

“Give it to me one more time, pretty girl. I know you can do it, I gotcha.” Atsumu starts sucking on the sweet spot behind your ear and continues to fuck you with the vigor of a possessed man. The bedframe shakes uncontrollably from the way he pummels into you. His thumb rubbing furiously at your clit sends shock waves of pleasure throughout your overly sensitive body and before you know it, the familiar pressure is building up in your stomach again.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my go-,” you chant as your eyes roll back in your head and you scream out his name while your vision goes completely white. Atsumu groans at the feeling of your tight walls milking his cock for everything he has. Your whole body is shaking, and you’re so wracked with pleasure that you can scarcely process the way his thrusts grow sloppy as he gets closer and closer to his own release.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” His groans fill the room as he erratically pummels into you to chase his high.

“Cum inside me, daddy. Want you to fill me all the way up.” Your words are slurring together at this point due to the heady arousal clouding your mind, but they’re enough to tip Atsumu over the edge. He lets out a moan and his hips stutter to a stop as you’re overcome with the feeling of his cock twitching inside you and suddenly filling you to the brim with his cum.

Atsumu collapses on top of you and pants heavily in an attempt to catch his breath. The two of you are silent for a good few minutes before he gathers whatever strength is left in him to pull out of you. He remains somewhat on top of your utterly spent body and peppers kisses all over your face. “You good?”

“Never better,” you reach a hand up to stroke his hair, and he hums contentedly in response before rolling over to your side. He throws an arm over you, hugging you to his body and just stares at you lovingly.

“I wasn’t too rough on ya, was I?” His hand reaches down to your ass to rub soothingly at the marks left by him.

“You were perfect, babe.” You grab his hand, intertwining your fingers with his own. “I’m sleeping good tonight, thanks to you.” He smiles at this and positions himself so that his head is tucked in the crook of your neck. He closes his eyes for a while as he savors the feeling of you stroking his hair and planting kisses on the top of his head.

“Babe?”

“Hm?”

“Ya wanna order food?” His eyes are still shut and you chuckle. “Yeah.”

“Who’s callin’?” He snuggles a bit further into you.

“Not it.” His eyes open and he looks up at you before literally pouting. You can’t believe this is the same man you were calling “daddy” just a few minutes ago.

“Why do I hafta do it,” he grumbles.

“Sorry that my phone’s out there and yours is literally at your feet because you wanted to be theatrical and ‘teach me a lesson.’” You smile as he continues to grumble under his breath, but pushes himself up to grab his phone and dial the number of your favorite takeout place. “Love youuuuuu,” you sing-song and flash a toothy grin at him.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I love ya too.” He rolls his eyes and lies back down next to you as he speaks to the worker on the phone. The entire time he absentmindedly plays with your hands as you sigh contentedly and bask in the feeling of being with him.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ

masterlist ｡･:*:･ﾟ rules

#im not used to writing smut oR full length scenarios so this was quite the feat #like i think an actual tear slipped out once #i hope u all enjoy teehee #miya atsumu #atsumu x reader #atsumu imagines #atsumu scenarios #atsumu hcs #atsumu smut #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu writing #haikyuu smut #haikyuu

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levisgirll · 3 years

Note

How about one where levi comforts his s/o on her birthday? She maybe doesn't feel as important or not good enough? My bday is actually coming up and im a bit anxious for it and i tend to cry on my birthdays for no reason, but now im feeling as if i have a reason to cry? idk but i just would like some fluff/comfort with levi bc i love him sm. Thank you!

𝐚 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐝𝐚𝐲 (𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

text: hello anon!! First of all thank you so much for your lovely request I would gladly write this up for you 🥺💕 and second HAPPY EARLY/LATE BIRTHDAY <3 I hope I am not too late and you get to see this post either on your birthday or before :,) I hope you have a lovely day filled with love and laughter cause everyone deserves that on their birthday 🥰 and also I hope this post somehow helps you go through with your bday and makes u feel perhaps less anxious or sad! I kind of felt like this on my last birthday but I went to read some fanfics and they kind of helped me out and made me smile so I hope that is the same case with you when you read what I wrote for you :,) also i made this modern au ahhhh

synopsis: it’s y/n’s birthday! He tries to make this day special as it is since he wants his s/o to realize that! Later he finds out that his s/o feels on this very day not that important and also tears up. As Levi discovers that, he does and says things only on your birthday that really made you surprised and on this day you felt extremely good and special y/n cries happy tears instead <3

comfort fluff, bit angst, a little bit suggestive (?), modern au ♡ —

Today is the day, and not any day but Levi's s/o birthday! He woke up extremely early for this day. He had already planned out what to do coming from a man who is pretty much organized and ahead of things you weren’t shocked to see him getting up quite early.

“Levi..?” Y/N said in such a soft and tired tone, it really warmed his heart. “Love...Happy birthday.” He would go near your ear and whisper that, then gave you a kiss on your forehead. “I’m sorry I didn't mean to wake you up...Go back to sleep.” He would say as he pushed your hair back gently that was laying on your face. You felt his warm fingertips brush against your cheek and you open your eyes slightly to look at your man, Levi that was up and putting his shirt on. You got up a bit reached out and pulled on the his shirt “Wait...don’t leave.”

He turned around quickly and looked at you, ‘Why does she sound uneasy....?’ He would wonder as he came closer to you and kissed on top of your head. “Silly, I’m not leaving or going anywhere. I’ll be in the kitchen so just rest a bit and I’ll wake you up later on, Hm?” Levi said with a smile, after the war and when you both left Paradise to start a life in the outside world, Levi started to smile more, laugh and be even more affectionate towards you and this warmed your heart. He promised you that he would protect you till the last days even if there was no war anymore and also....promised you to show you more love cause he deiced to spend the rest of his life with you, and he was in progress in doing that!

After a couple of hours, you felt a small rub on your shoulders. “Time to wake up birthday girl” He gave you a warm smile and helped you get out of your shared bed. You felt how gentle, and careful he was for you...he truly did cherish you and loved you a lot, you meant the world to Levi.

As you were brushing your teeth, Levi was brushing your hair and when he was done he would put his arms around your waist and kept kissing your neck until you were done and ready.

Your cheeks were red now and you had a shy look on your face. “Ha, Don't be shy with me Love, it’s just us alone.” He would say and softly rub your arms. “Let’s go then?” and you give him a nod and held on his hand.

When you both went downstairs, you gasped and was taken aback by what you saw. A beautiful breakfast that was set up and prepared for the both of you, a sack of pancakes with fruits that was cut by him, your favorite fruit juice, and there was a vase with a bouquet and you could see a card that was hidden in the beautiful flowers he picked out for you and it was written ‘Happy Birthday my Dearest’

“Wow, you did this for...me?” You would say while giving him a sad expression that almost broke his heart. “Who else?” He said with a sarcastic tone and pulled your hand towards the table. You and Levi enjoyed the breakfast and you both had a good morning filled with laughter.

“Sit down, I’m gonna clean the dishes” you nodded and went to sit on the coach. You then started to feel...a bit anxious? Y/N wondered how the rest of the day would go and you started to think if what Levi did was all worth it?

“Love, what's wrong?” Levi was quick to read your vibe, he approached you from behind, and sensed you were feeling perhaps down. “Nothing...”

“Yea I’m not gonna buy that, tell me....What’s wrong?” Y/N stood up slowly and was looking down, her hair was covering her face and that made Levi quickly go in front of her and held on her shoulders. Tears then started to roll down from your cheeks and Levi pulled you to his chest for a hug. “I-I don’t know why I’m tearing up! But I am feeling as if I have a reason to cry and I usually cry on my birthdays Levi...I’m sorry, it’s probably for nothing.”

“Why are you apologizing?” He hugged you tighter and then proceed to stroke your hair. “These feelings are completely normal, why apologize for it? But it’s okay you don’t need to explain why you are crying love.” Levi waited for y/n to calm down as he caressed her hair, and Y/N pulled her face away from his muscular chest and looked up at him. He gave a small smile to her and wiped her tears “Let’s....make those tears not for ‘nothing’ or for ‘no reason’ to be wasted, but instead let me make those tears a reason for you today. A reason that caused you to smile and laugh today.”

Levi was now looking at you in such a loving way, you could feel all his love, emotions, the way he caressed you, hugged you, touched your hair gently and now holding both of your hands, it warmed your heart. He was indeed a man who was really mature, and has a great deal of empathy towards Y/N. Levi understood your feelings cause of the deep love he had for you. “You are important to me, okay? So, let me make those tears....happy tears instead.”

After a while, Levi told you to get dressed up and ready because he was going to take you somewhere. You both left your apartment that you both shared at the moment and walked down the street, while Levi tightly holding your hand and on the other hand he was carrying a brown paper carrier bag which had something in it. “What’s inside?” “A surprise.”

Later did you know, you both reached a huge garden park and you saw a group of people that you recognized. Your friends! “Everyone!”

As soon as Hanji hear you, Hanji came running towards you and hugged you tightly which was then followed by Jean, Mikasa, Armin and the rest all wishing you a happy birthday!

You then spotted Onyankopn, Falco and Gabi preparing the huge picnic filled with a variety of delicious food and then Levi brought out the cake which he designed and baked just for you.

The whole afternoon was spent with your loved one, friends and you all had such a great time, playing some card games, tennis which Jean and Connie that they brought along with them. You were packed with so many gifts too, and Levi was holding on to your waist and hand the whole time and would sneak in some kisses on your cheek when no one would look. Hanji then talked about how your relationship was going and Levi would suddenly talk really highly of you, and pamper about you then he would mention all of the times you meant a lot to him and he cherished.

The sun started to set and everyone was heading to leave, and Levi held on your hand and you both went to see the sunset while sitting on the bench. You found the sunset really beautiful, but to Levi he thought you were more prettier. He held on your hand and then said while focusing on your eyes “You know...When you are not around, I always crave for your touch. You just make me feel good so I always find myself a chance to hold your hand constantly.” Before you could say anything, he gave you a box that was wrapped with a ribbon. “Open it.” Your eyes widen when you saw the gift, it was Rose Gold Watch and it looked rather expensive but extremely charming. He went closer to you and brought your wrist closer and wore the watch for you. “I knew this would suit you.” Levi smiled again and looked at you, tears were now forming on your eyes but this time...it was happy tears and you gave him a big smile that really warmed his heart. “Thank you Levi, I really love you...” He went closer to you and kissed your cheek which washed away the tears that was rolling down. “I love you more....And didn't I say I would make that happy tears today, Hm? But we aren’t done, your birthday did not end yet”

After you both reached home, you both went to the bedroom and you started to change into your comfy silk nightgown, while Levi took of his shirt and was only...wearing his joggers? ‘Wait...He would only do that if he is in the mood’ You thought as you started to blush slightly.

“Lev-” Your words were taken aback when Levi suddenly embraced you and kept his face in your neck while bring his arms around your waist. “Can...I make you feel good tonight? I want to make your birthday memorable....just for today.” It was more of a whisper when he said it, and you managed to hear it all even though you could feel his heart beating fast.

Your face was now red, you could feel his back muscle tense up and the detail of it as you caressed his back. You nodded, which Levi sensed and acknowledged, but asked again. “I need to hear your answer love.” He was now looking at you and he held on your shoulders, waiting for a response and he would not let you go until you answered. “Yes Love” You said with certainty and looked back at him which he suddenly blushed with you how you responded. Levi did had a tough and strong personality from the outside, but when it came to moments like these he was really soft and usually shy but tonight he wanted to try his best for you, cause you meant the world to him.

He picked you up and you could feel his biceps around you which you held on as he gently laid you on top of the bed, with Levi being on top of you. He leaned in closer and gave you a kiss on your forehead. “Oi! I can be romantic…So why are you giving me that look?” He said with a smirk and that made you laugh. “Hmm...Prove it then.” You challenged him and that made his ego boost up. He proceeded to kiss all over your face which made you giggle as some of them tickled, and then he stopped and reached the edge of your lips which made both of you open your eyes and gazed into each other, both feeling the affection and attraction. “Shit...it drives me crazy when you look at me that way.” He went and kissed your lips, it was soft, slow and very passionate...you could feel all of his love in that kiss as you held on his biceps while his arms where between you for support.

“Where....else do you want me to kiss you?” He moved closer to you as he whispered near your ear, you felt his hot breathe which made you shiver. “A-Anywhere..” You were a blushing mess right now, but you weren't alone your boyfriend Levi’s face was redder than yours.

“O-Okay....Y/N I’m gonna make sure tonight you feel loved tonight, and I want you to focus right now how good you are and how wonderful you are.” As he said that, your face was burning up, ‘what made Levi say this all?’ you wondered.

He came closer to your neck, and was kissing it...you held on to him and hugged his chest, and he was doing it gently. This then left a small hickey on your neck and he was surprised as it was kind of dark.

“I will leave this mark on you so you can remember my love tonight, and know that you are always in my thoughts Y/N” He brought his hand and caressed your cheek which you held on, “And...when its gone, I’m here to give you another one.”

Perhaps, in the days you cry, there would be sad days, but today was a special day which was your birthday, and that not only gave you any tears but instead happy tears which was cause of Levi giving you the warmest/sweetest comfort and love throughout the whole day and especially the whole evening. You really did love Levi Ackerman.

well i hope you enjoyed this! I tried something new and I really see levi doing this for his s/o especially in days where he wants to make them feel loved and he really tries his best to comfort them <3 I hope you loved this anon and you get to see this and also if anyone else did please leave a like or a reblog! ♡

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fangirlfics · 3 years

Text

Trouble Sleeping (Loki x reader)

I swear if this deletes for a third time Im gonna cry

KINDA A SLOW BURN BOIS

also I didn’t finish reading it over for mistakes bc I’m lazy

summary: y/n and Loki used to be very close friends and sometimes when she had bad nightmares he’d use his magic to calm her mind, a few years have passed and they’ve grown apart. Her nightmares come back and hesitantly she seeks Loki’s help again

word count: 3,592 wahahahaha

y/n leaned over one of the balconies that overlooked the kingdom’s private garden. The weather was perfect, the temperature ideal, sky blue, and the plants were all thriving feet below her. Despite the scenery however y/n’s attention was fixated elsewhere.

Down in the depths of the garden, propped up on one of the fancy golden benches was the youngest Asgardian prince-Loki. His dark raven hair was combed back as he turned to the next page in his novel, the cover matching the shade of green displayed on his clothes. y/n couldn’t help but sigh as she watched the handsome prince, they had once had an unbreakable bond. It was always Loki and y/n-best friends, one wouldn’t be seen without the other. But somewhere among their late teenage years, Loki had become more cold and distant towards y/n-leaving her alone in the giant halls of the castle to wander alone. That’s when her and Thor’s relationship grew stronger-she had always been friends with the God of Thunder but after her and Loki’s relationship crumbled to pieces he was there to cheer her up.

“Oh there you are!” Thor’s voice boomed-pulling y/n from her daydream. y/n glanced once more at Loki before turning her attention to her tall friend. “I was looking for you!” He beamed.

“What can I do for you, your highness?” y/n asked with a playful voice.

Thor smiled, putting his hands together before continuing, “I was hoping that you would join me and-” his words faded as he glanced down to the gardens and caught sight of Loki. y/n’s attention soon turned to the railing in front of her as she traced her fingers along it’s smooth surface. “You still watch him.” Thor told her, his normally enthusiastic voice was now dry and serious. “How long have you been thinking of him?”

y/n furrowed her eyebrows, playing with her fingers. “I never stopped.” She confessed, “I know it’s foolish but I can’t help it, I..miss him more than I can even begin to explain.”

Thor was silent as he watched the girl glance back down at the gardens then to the sky. “Let’s go...horseback riding.” He suggested, getting y/n attention. “To lift your spirits, we can go with Sif a-”

“No.“ y/n blurted out, “nobody else-I don’t want to embarrass myself again by falling off my horse.“

Thor chuckled, “nobody is going to think low of you-” he looked at y/n once more sensing her silent plea ”very well then, just us.” He agreed, making her smile.

“Thank you.” She laughed, giving him a hug. It caught Thor by surprise but he then loosely wrapped his arms around y/n in return. “Thank you for everything,” y/n whispered, “really, I don’t know what’d I’d do without you. I’m blessed to have a friend like you.”

“Of course.”

Neither of the two friends noticed that down in the gardens Loki clenched his jaw, snapping his book shut and silently retreated to his room-they also didn’t notice the pair of blue eyes staring through the window at them, when they returned laughing on horseback.

_____________________________________________________________

There was fire everywhere, thick black smoke made it impossible for her to breath. She was choking-desperate for air. She fell to the ground as the fire closed in quickly-it’s heat trapping her in the room. There was no hope, no help was coming and it was impossible to escape, with a loud crack the ceiling caved in leaving her trapped screaming out as the furious flames burned her alive.

y/n woke up with a start, beads of sweat lined her forehead although her room was cool and she found that her hands were shaking. Realizing it was just a dream she lied back down, covering her face with her hands as she tried desperately to fall back asleep. She got no more sleep that night.

The same thing happened again in the coming days and three days later while in training, y/n who was running on less than four hours of sleep was doing rather well. In one quick movement she jumped up-kicking the sword right out of Fandral’s grip.

“Very good!” Volstagg commented from across the room.

“Yes.” Fandral agreed, “show me that move and I’ll show you some of mine.” He winked.

“Just give me a time and place.” y/n responded playfully, earning a laugh.

“Impressive.” Fandral commented at her response. (she normally responded to his joke flirting with an eye roll)

“Yes impressive.” Loki commented from behind Fandral. “That y/n can apparently chase after two men at once.” He said this while staring casually at Thor. Sif went stiff inder the tension and Thor opened his mouth but y/n spoke first.

“I’m sorry?”

“Well by the looks of it, you can’t seem to decide between Thor and-”

“Brother that’s enough.” Thor warned, taking a step forward.

“I’m just putting out a warning, you do know what they say about these sort of things.” Loki remarked, not meeting her eyes.

“You know full well that I am not chasing after anyone.” y/n said, growing aggravated.

“It sure seems that way.”He then opened the door to the room and left.

“You know what?” y/n responded, dropping her sword to the ground with a loud clang “I am tired of this.”

“y/n I think it best if you ignore him.” Sif spoke up, “nobody is accusing you of anything, we all know you aren’t that sort of person-”

“Thank you Sif, but I am not taking this.“ y/n exited the room in pursuit of Loki, who was a few paces ahead of her walking calmly.

“I don’t like being followed.“ He simply called out to her, because his room was only about a minute walk away from the training room he reached it fairly quickly.

“What is your problem?“ y/n asked him, putting her foot in between the door and it’s frame as Loki was about to shut it.

“I don’t have a problem, now if you’d excuse me I’d like you to leave me alone.“

“Then leave me alone.” She huffed, “hold your silvertongue and stop acting as if you’re above me because you’re not.”

“Is that all?“ He asked her calmly, “you’re done with your childish tantrum?”

“Oh you are so-“ y/n narrowed her eyes.

“So what?“ Loki asked with an eye roll.

“Terrible.“ y/n blurted, earning a cold laugh from the God of Mischief.

“So I’ve been told.“ He stated bored.

“No, I mean you’re really terrible and for so many reasons.”

“Such as?“

“You want a list?“ y/n asked with a bitter laugh, “ok well you think you’re better than everyone and you’re not, you poke fun at other people because it’s amusing to you and-and everyone-I mean everyone thinks that you’re a snake, ever since we were younger, and I can’t believe I’m just now realizing that..they’re probably right.“ He swallowed hard furrowing his eyebrows, “you used to be my best friend Loki, I’d defend you from people’s accusations when you weren’t around and..I wasted my time because you are everything people say you are and worst.“ She saw the look in his eye, she hurt him-good now he understood how it felt.

Loki glanced away-looking down at the girl again. “Is that all?” He asked, trying desperately to remain collected. y/n scoffed. “You may think you know me but I know you much more, don’t forget, I’ve been inside your head. People may think I’m a bad person but I can live with that, you on the other hand can’t stand the fact that someone might not like you, so much so that you’ll break down about it. You’re a weak fighter, you’re not as clever or as witty as you seem to think, and frankly I don’t understand the fascination Thor seems to have with you, you’re nothing special.”

y/n pulled her foot from the doorway. What happened to us? She was about to cry and she did not want him seeing that. “Is that all?” She asked, reciting his previous question.

“Yes.“ He spat coldly.

“Good.“ She turned to walk away as Loki stayed in his place trying to keep the impression that he didn’t care.

Late at night y/n tossed and turned in her bed, trying to fall asleep after waking up from a particularly realistic dream-she had thought that by laying still she’d trick her body into falling asleep but that didn’t happen. She knew that she had been able to power through the last few days with almost no sleep-but she’d certainly crash if she didn’t get any sleep soon. The thought of making a visit to Loki for help came to her mind, but she really didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing she wanted/needed his help. Screw it. She thought after another couple of hours, her clock read 2:35 as she swung her legs over her bed and slipped on her slippers and robe.

The halls were dark and empty except for the occasional guards, which she was careful to avoid (she didn’t want to raise any suspicion). Thank God her room was only a three minute walk from Loki’s. It was once she was already in front of Loki’s door that she started getting second thoughts, but she was there already and the worst that could happen was getting the door slammed in her face or no answer. She raised her cold knuckle, letting it hover over the door’s fine wood before knocking. “It’s y/n..” She announced barely above a whisper, “trust me I really don’t want to ask for your help but I see no other option an-”

The door opened a small crack. “you do realize what time it is, right?” Loki’s annoyed voice asked-he didn’t sound like he had just woken up, maybe he was having trouble sleeping also.

“I know.” At her response Loki opened the door wider, revealing himself in a pair of emerald colored pajamas. “Look I know-” at the sound of approaching footsteps (guards) Loki stepped aside, giving her a cue to get in. She did, turning to face him one he closed the door again-his back facing the door he put his hands on his hips.

“What do you want?”

“I can’t sleep.” She said sheepishly, “I just-I’m getting the same nightmares again and I thought that maybe just this once you could, you know..” She put hands up, wiggling her fingers to imitate magic.

Loki rolled his eyes, “first off that’s not at all how magic looks, second why should I help you?”

“Just this once!“ y/n practically begged, “please. I’ve have not been sleeping at all I just need one hour. I won’t make you sleep on my couch like I did when we were younger, you can just...alter my thoughts or something and I’ll leave and-”

“Fine.“ Loki agreed, grumpily. He walked back over to his bed, getting in between the covers on the left side. “Well?“ He asked when she stared blankly at him. He rolled his eyes again, “Obviously if you go back to your room I won’t be able to sense when I have to alter your thoughts and you’ll just come back to make a racket when you have another nightmare.“ y/n nodded slowly, making her way to the right side of the bed. “Besides it’s a big bed, just stay on that side-away from me.” She laid down, hesitant at first as she tightened her robe around herself. Loki leaned over, placing a finger and thumb over her temples to enter her mind.

When she woke up she was in the same exact position that she was in when she went to bed and Loki was standing directly above her looking annoyed once again. It was still dark outside as he looked down at her from where he stood. “It’s about time, I’ve been trying to wake you up for the last two minutes.”

“What time is it?“

“6:05..the castles about to start waking up, you should leave before more people get uo to avoid being seen.“ y/n nodded in agreement.

“Ok“ she walked to his door, turning to watch as he laid back down in his bed. “And Loki..“

“What?“ He sighed.

“Thank you.“ She said softly, leaving the room right after. Loki was left surprised.

“Look I know I said just once-” y/n whispered that night outside of Loki’s door, it was past 2 a.m. again, but surprisingly Loki let her in again.

“The faster you stop pestering me, the better.“ Loki told her harshly. He had woken her up at 6 a.m. again like he had done the the last time. The time after that Loki woke her up at 7 and the time after that she had woken up past 8 to see Loki sitting in a chair some feet from her sharpening his knives-when she had asked him why he hadn’t woken her up he had simply reminded that he could just teleport her back to her room, that way nobody would know she had spent the night there.

Flash forward a month later, y/n tiptoed to Loki’s room in her nightgown again, the nights were getting hotter which had led to her to leave her robe behind. When she had reached Loki’s room she didn’t need to knock, since he now left it unlocked for her.

Once she laid down on the right side of the bed (more towards the middle now rather than all the way on the edge) Loki laid down about a foot from her. They didn’t go to bed right then however, since they had formed a habit of talking before falling asleep. “Have you been sleeping better?” Loki asked the girl beside him.

“yes.”

“Good...”

y/n rolled onto her side to face Loki, “Thank you again.” He nodded. “You know for someone who hates me, you’re actually quite kind to me.” The corner of Loki’s mouth folded up slightly,

“I don’t hate you...” He rolled over onto his side to face her, “but what I do hate-“ he then had explained the entire plot of a book just to express his hatred for one detail in it.

y/n woke up in the middle of the night with a start, her nightmares had came back. As it turned out Loki wasn’t in the room but when he got back with a glass of water he noticed she was off right away. “I’m sorry.” He quickly apologized, sitting beside her, “I was just-I didn’t think-”

“I know, it’s fine.“ y/n told him, but his hand was still on her shoulder and his blue eyes still held worry in them. “I’m just-I’m going back to bed...“ Loki nodded, watching as she laid down again.

“Are you sure you’re alright?“ She nodded.

As she began drifting off she felt Loki take her hand in his. Later on in the night y/n woke up randomly, but she wasn’t facing Loki anymore-instead she was facing his dim window, she felt warm but not from the covers and to her surprise she realized that the prince’s arm was around her waist, keeping her close. Their legs were tangled mess at the bottom of the bed and she could hear his slow breathing as he slept peacefully. She looked around slowly, trying to figure out a way to move away to avoid the embarrassment when he wakes up-but just as she began to shift around she heard him speak up. “What time is it?” up.

“Sorry...” She apologized growing red, “I don’t know how-“

“It’s fine.“ She heard Loki whisper.

“It is?“

“This is quite comfortable.“ He whispered again, then he moved slightly closer-resting his head on her shoulder and he fell asleep again-she assumed that he was half awake and didn’t fully process what had happened. She decided it didn’t matter and fell asleep again, after all he wasn’t wrong-it was comfortable.

There was a loud noise that woke y/n right up, making her jump. Now she realized that she was facing Loki again, her arms were wrapped around his neck like in a hug, his head was nuzzled in the crook of her neck-their legs still a tangled mess. Bang! Bang! There it was again, she lifted her head, looking towards the door as it came again-bang! Bang!

“Loki” She whispered, gently shaking his sleeping form. He ignored it, pulling her closer in response instead. “Loki, someone’s at the door.” She whispered, trying not to laugh. He sighed looking up towards his door.

“Just ignore it, they’ll go away it’s probably a servant or-”

“Loki!” Thor’s voice came from the other side of the door, “Loki, I know you’re in there! Open the door.” Loki rolled his eyes, standing up to make his way towards the door.

He opened the door a few inches, “what do you want?” He hissed.

“I-” Thor paused, “are wearing your nightwear?”

“Why is that of any importance-what do you want?”

“er, Loki is there someone in there with you?“ Thor asked.

y/n held her breath, afraid that somehow Thor would hear her from the doorway. “I-no!” Loki snapped, “What are you talking about?”

“Alright, alright I apologize. I’m here to ask if you have seen y/n? I’ve been searching for her, she’s normally turned up somewhere at this time it’s past 10.”

“No I don’t know where she is, I haven’t seen her. Check the garden, she’s most likely wandering around there.“ He shut the door, turning back to y/n.

“Past 10?“ y/n asked, covering her mouth, “I should’ve been awake two hours ago.” Loki shrugged. “Can you teleport me back to my room, I should go to the gardens since Thor’s looking for me.” Loki looked at the ground with an unfamiliar look in his eyes before nodding. “Thank you.”

The girl had spent more time with Thor training than she had expected that day, leading her to take an extra long shower at night to get clean. She hadn’t realized until she looked at her clock that it was past 10-normally she’d already be at Loki’s room by now. Quickly she dried her hair and changed into her nightwear.

She was about to leave and opened her door and unexpectedly Loki was there with his hand raised looking like he was about to knock. They stared at each other for a moment before she spoke up, “Loki? What are you doing here?”

He glanced to the side, not wanting to meet here eyes as she awaited his response, “I thought..” he said glancing at the ground before back to her, regaining his composure “that you-“

“Weren’t coming?“ She finished for him, he nodded.

“So I came to see if you were ok, I’ll leave.“

“Wait, no.“ She told him, grabbing his wrist and taking him by surprise, “I was just coming it was just taking me longer, but you can sleep here if you want since you’re already here...?” He nodded in agreement, stepping into her room.

He settled himself into the bed, opening his arms for her to crawl into which she quickly did. The two laid there for a moment, listening to the quietness as Loki slowly brushed through her hair with his fingers.

“remember the other day when I said that you were terrible?“ y/n suddenly asked, getting Loki’s attention. He stopped running his fingers through her hair.

“Yes, why do you ask?“ He responded cautiously.

“I was just mad at you. I’m sorry.“

He took a moment to think to himself, “I didn’t mean what I said either."

“Can I ask you something?” y/n asked after a while later.

“What?”

“Why did you push me away?” She asked, shifting herself to meet his eyes.

Loki sighed-only it wasn’t from being aggravated this time. He backed up a few inches from y/n-staring straight up at the ceiling. “It’s because..”

“Because what?”

“I had noticed that you and Thor were becoming closer and decided to..abandon you before you did me. I thought it’d hurt less that way.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, everyone always seems to choose Thor over me, I just assumed you would, in time, do the same.“ He confessed, still not meeting her gaze.

“Loki...“ she set her hand on his shoulder waiting for him to look at her. “I would never abandon you for Thor, sure Thor is my friend but so is Fandral, so is Volstagg, so is Sif and I’m not abandoning anyone for them.“

He nodded.

“And tonight..“ y/n spoke up again, “when you thought I wasn’t coming-“

“I assumed you wouldn’t need me anymore, especially after you had spent so much time with Thor.“

“Loki!“

“What?“

“Don’t be like that!“ y/n told him, sitting up, “I do need you! I’ll always need you, I need you don’ t doubt that, and not just because of stupid nightmares, because I care for you and I love you, ok?”

Loki smiled to himself, “you love me?“

“Yes you stupid-“ she stopped talking because Loki had leaned in, capturing her lips in a kiss, taking no time to hesitate she leaned into him further deepening the kiss. After about a minute they pulled apart-resting their foreheads together.

“I love you too.“

#loki #loki x y/n #loki x reader #loki fanfic #marvel fanfic #reader insert #marvel reader insert

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