#rsd and anxiety have me by the neck | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sad-leon · 9 months

Note

Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

#vent post #tw vent #long post #tw exhaustion #tw burnout

21 notes · View notes

silvermoon424 · 11 months

Note

hi katy :)) i’m sure you’ve answered this before, and if you have, you can totally just ignore this ask, but recently i’ve been wondering if i have adhd. i’m a 20 year old woman, and i’ve been diagnosed with anxiety for basically my whole adolescence. in the past few weeks though i’ve learned a lot more about adhd/neurodivergence and i feel like it’s much more accurate to my experience. my only real exposure to adhd is my little brother, who has been diagnosed since he was 12 and behaves VERY differently than i do. if you could possibly detail your experience with adhd as a woman that would really help me out a lot in deciding if i want to pursue a new diagnosis. thanks in advance!!

Hi there!

ADHD/autism/neurodiversity in general can be experienced a lot of different ways by people; it's a very broad spectrum, but there are definitely traits that pop up again and again for a lot of people. Here are some traits I have personally identified as being influenced/driven by my ADHD (or autism, sometimes it's hard to distinguish the two)

Very poor impulse control, especially with money and food

Having poor memory in some areas but excellent memory in others (usually due to how strongly the topic interests me)

Having trouble remembering things (as in appointments, important dates, etc)

Having a very hard time focusing or maintaining focus

Easily distracted

Fidgets often (my fidgets are picking through my split ends and jiggling my ankle)

Needing to take frequent breaks when working/doing chores/etc due to burnout

Needing CONSTANT stimulation; for example, much of my free time is spent listening to Youtube video essays while I color manga, typeset, scan things, etc. Sometimes I do just watch things (especially late at night when I'm tired), but I don't think I could ever do a menial task without having some other stimulation for my brain

Talking to myself

Info-dumping

Being amazing at multi-tasking (but struggling with single-tasking because of the whole "need more stimulation" thing)

Hyper-fixating on things to the point of not realizing I'm thirsty, have a crick in neck, etc

I daydream frequently and have an entire daydream universe (called a paracosm) full of my own OCs and storylines. I'm what's called an immersive daydreamer. Immersive daydreaming/maladaptive daydreaming is its own thing, but from what I've heard people who do it are often also neurodivergent. If you daydream a lot about a fictional universe(s) of your own creation, I would highly recommend looking into this topic.

My brain literally never shuts the fuck up. Ever. I'm constantly thinking about SOMETHING. Even when I'm trying to fall asleep I'm playing with my OCs and paracosm, lol (one of my favorite parts of the day tbh). Because of this I've suffered from insomnia for much of my life. I've been on a sedative that also functions as an antidepressant for many years and it's helped a lot.

I literally just learned that this has a name: Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). People with ADHD are often highly sensitive to criticism and rejection (real or imagined). For my entire life I have been extremely sensitive to being criticized, and all this time it has been a side-effect of my ADHD!

When given a task, I need to be told exactly what to do and how to do it or else it's not getting done. In general I have a hard time "thinking outside the box" and can be pretty oblivious.

Executive dysfunction is a bitch. This also overlaps with depression and autism, but basically I have a literal mountain of projects and hobbies I want do and another literal mountain of shows/anime/movies I want to watch but I can't get past the mental hurdle of actually engaging with them. It's very hard to explain, but it's like even though I want to do them I either don't have the energy, get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, start doing it and then lose focus/motivation partway through, etc.

That's all I could think of off the top of my head but I'm sure there's more. I feel like every week I discover there's a new way ADHD is impacting my life. Please let me know if you have any other questions!

#adhd #actually adhd #adhd symptoms

15 notes · View notes

littleoddwriter · 3 years

Text

Hope | Roman Sionis x Male!Reader

Guess what - It’s another vent fic! I promise to keep going with the requests I still have open, very soon. Be patient some more, please. Inspiration comes and goes pretty quickly at the moment. Anyway-

summary; You are being rejected by another potential therapist you contacted and you’re not dealing well with it, but Roman’s here for you to make you feel better.

Notes: TW // RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria); Self-Harm (cutting); Bad experiences with therapists mentioned; (mild) Dissociation; Implied Suicidal Tendencies; Hospital Mention. Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Hope; Hugs; Love Confessions; Soft Kisses; Roman is trying his best.

For over a year, you’ve been searching for a new therapist to go to. Unfortunately, you kept being rejected left and right and were therefore forced to fight everything on your own for the time being. You couldn’t go back to your previous therapist for several reason, the biggest one being that she wasn’t good for you. She’s put you down a lot, mocked you, laughed at you, never helped you with anything you’ve told her, and you’ve finally reached the point, where you’ve officially had enough, taking all your courage to stop seeing her.

Yet, you hadn’t expected to not find one willing therapist to take on your case. It was extremely frustrating and hurtful. It made you lose hope of ever receiving the help you needed, and deserved. You didn’t want to live from hospital to hospital. The last time you’ve been there, it didn’t really help you anyway. So you wanted to keep away from them for now. You just wanted to have a chance on living your life, while you were being treated for your issues.

A while ago, you’ve received another therapist’s data from your social worker. It took you a long time to fight your anxiety over the pending phone call. Eventually, time was a little pressing, since you wanted to have some results to show to your social worker at your next appointment with her.

So you forced yourself to call in the morning before you did anything else and could potentially put it off any longer.

Trembling, sweating, and with a pounding heart, you picked up your mobile phone and dialled the number, checking it five times to make sure it was the right one, and after a minute of encouraging yourself verbally, you hit the green button to make the call go through.

It didn’t even ring, after the dial, it clicked and the therapist’s voice rang through your ears. She sounded as if she had just gotten up, which surprised you and made your anxiety spike even more. You greeted her and stated that you were looking for a therapist, hoping that your smile was audible and that you seemed friendly.

“How’d you get this number?”

You faltered.

“M-my social worker gave it to me. She said I should give you a call?”

“Ah. Well, the earliest that I’d have time for a first session would be in a month at the earliest.”

“That’s okay,” you replied quickly, lightly. It wouldn’t have been a problem to wait another month after all this time.

“Do you have any diagnoses? What are your issues?”

Quickly you listed off your diagnoses, making sure there were no surprises this time. You had even written it all down, just in case your anxiety would have gotten the better of you.

“I can’t help you with that.”

It was the same as always. You had expected that, especially since she wasn’t the type of therapist you were recommended by others. Your social worker had insisted on trying different approaches, though. Which is exactly what you’ve told this therapist, but she wouldn’t even consider it, only repeating that she wasn’t the right one for you because she didn’t even cover all the disorders you had. After that you already said your quick goodbyes.

You carelessly let your phone fall onto the table, trying hard to hold back tears. The rejection just wasn’t something you could handle very well; it ate you up, ripped your heart apart and fogged up your brain.

Shaking your head to clear it a little, you got up and went straight to the guest bathroom. Roman was showering in your shared one at this moment, and you were glad about it, even though you had to be quick anyway.

On autopilot, you opened one of the drawers under the sink and got out the small blade you kept there, hidden and kept safe in a paper towel. You disinfected it, just in case, and then looked at it for a moment. Now was the time that you could still put it back and stop yourself from ruining your recent best streak. Before you had even realised it, though, you watched yourself press the blade into your forearm’s skin, drawing a short line. Blood quickly welled up from the new wound.

It wasn’t enough. You were almost there, but it wasn’t enough. Only an inch below the spot you’ve just cut, you nicked your skin once more, creating a smaller, but just as deep, incision. Sighing, you put the blade back where it was, nursed your wounds and got out of the bathroom.

The twin band-aids glared at you. You could see them out of the corner of your eyes at any given moment, which made your insides fill up with guilt all too quickly, choking you from within.

Trying to ignore the evidence of the mistake you’ve just made, you sat back down at the table and looked through your phone, while you were anxiously waiting for Roman to be done with his morning routine.

Eventually, Roman walked over to you, putting his hands on your shoulders and kissing the top of your head. “How did it go?”

You just scoffed, “Same as always. Already got rejected on the phone.” Roman stayed put behind you, so you pressed your arm against your stomach, hoping he hasn’t already seen the band-aids.

“Fuck! I told you I can pay them a visit for you, I’m sure someone would take you then,” Roman offered for the umpteenth time in the past year.

“No, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. Thank you, though. It’s sweet of you.”

Clicking his tongue and then humming thoughtfully, Roman ran his hands down your arms, prying your injured one from your body. You didn’t really put up a fight then. It was a lost cause anyway.

“Aw, baby, no. That cunt wasn’t worth it,” he cooed, leaning over you and lifting your arm to take a closer look at the plasters.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, feeling your heart clench painfully.

“It’s not your fault. Still, I’d have liked for you to wait for me, or come to me. You’d have been very welcome in the shower, you know?” He gave a quick kiss to the band-aids and let your arm down gently.

You chuckled softly and nodded, “I know, I’m sorry. It all just sort of happened, as if I was completely on autopilot.”

“I get it,” Roman sighed. “Stand up.”

Without questioning it for even a second, you got up from the chair, while Roman took a step back to make room for you. As soon as you stood there and turned around to look at him, he was on you, embracing you. You melted into the hug immediately, burying your face in the crook of his neck, inhaling the sweet, pleasant scent that was his cologne.

“We’ll find someone for you. Eventually, someone’s just got to take you in, baby. I promise. Just hold on for me until then, ‘kay?” he spoke softly into your ear, which made you shiver slightly and had you hug him more tightly.

“I’m trying as best as I can, Roman. I swear, at this time, I’m only staying for you anyway.”

Instead of giving you a verbal answer to your confession, Roman leaned back a little, effectively making you look at him; and then he kissed you, oh, so softly. Those kinds of kisses were rare to be initiated by him, which only made you treasure them more. You smiled into the kiss and reciprocated it, sighing.

All of a sudden you felt so light and carefree, as if none of the other things had ever happened. You never wanted it to stop, it was just too heavenly, and you couldn’t bear the thought of returning to the hell on earth that your current situation felt like.

Yet, you had to admit that maybe it wasn’t just all hellish.

Roman cared about you and made you feel it. He comforted you when you needed it and didn’t shame you for the things you did. He really was your anchor in this world, the only thing – person – keeping you somewhat afloat and fighting every day. He made it worth the pain. In a way, he was the hope you so desperately clung onto.

It was one of the many reasons why you loved him so much, why you would never dare to leave him, even when your brain was screaming at you to do so for whatever new reason it had come up with that wasn’t real.

“I love you, Roman. Thank you,” you whispered when you two finally broke the kiss.

His eyes turned so gentle and soft for a split second, and he lifted one of his hands from your back, cupping your face with it, and stroking his thumb over your cheek. “I’ve got you, my prince,” he replied.

It made your heart flutter. You knew it was his way of saying ‘I love you’ back to you. You appreciated it more than you could ever truly put into words.

#tw self harm #tw suicidal #ok to reblog #x male reader #male reader #male reader insert #roman sionis #roman sionis x male reader #roman sionis x reader #roman sionis fanfiction #mlm fiction #ewan mcgregor #ewan mcgregor x reader #ewan mcgregor fanfiction #so anyway this happened yesterday and i really wish i had roman IRL with me to comfort me like that because damn I need it

81 notes · View notes

hiccanna-tidbits · 3 years

Text

Autistic Hiccup x ADHD Anna Headcanons

SO I’ve been really into the whole Autistic x ADHD ship dynamic and Hiccanna...highkey fits??? Like y’all know I will die on my “Anna has ADHD” hill, but after reading this post by @hobie-brown I’m like wait, the autistic Hiccup headcanon is wonderful too??? And blends SO WELL with ADHD Anna??? And I absolutely HAD to explore it more so BOOM headcanon time! Another special thanks to @hobie-brown for writing the super lovely autistic Hiccup headcanon masterpost that inspired me to do this!

Disclaimer: I myself am not on the spectrum (part of the reason I’ve always felt a little weird about definitively HCing characters as autistic unless I see actual autistic people HC them that way too), so most of the stuff here is stuff I know secondhand from my autistic friends! I do have ADHD, so I can always promise that ADHD Anna will be 100% authentic XD

~Anna absolutely gets into Hiccup’s special interests to try and impress him. The most obvious one being, of course, dragons, but also dinosaurs (extinct dragons), lizards (tiny dragons), and Dungeons and Dragons (An RPG game that does, in fact, include dragons). Hiccup absolutely had that dragonology book as a kid and got obsessed with it beyond all reasonability. Hilariously, Anna’s wooing strategy of indulging his special interests works like a charm--mainly because a) he’s pretty flattered that someone takes THAT much of an interest in what he likes and b) half the time, ANNA finds that she genuinely gets into whatever said special interest is and finds them easy to hyperfixate on. It helps that the more she obsesses over it herself, the more she has to talk to Hiccup about XD

~Specifically, Anna definitely joins a DnD campaign at some point so that Hiccup will think she’s a “cool gamer girl”--and then gets unironically obsessed with it and starts writing 10-page backstories for all of her characters. She later tells Hiccup it started out as a ruse to win his heart via nerdiness, and he absolutely loses his shit laughing.

~One of their overlapping special interests/hyperfixations is high fantasy. Hiccup is, unsurprisingly, all about the mythical creatures while Anna is more into the magic and the zesty political drama, but you dun best believe they catch every CGI-ridden fantasy movie that ever comes out. They’ve both spent a literal fortune on fantasy movie tickets, even moreso on watching them in 3D or Imax. How embarrassing for both of them.

~Another less-obvious overlapping interest is history. Hiccup gets into it while looking into the cultural mythos of dragons (he’s pretty fascinated by the fact that so many cultures around the world thought up similar creatures independently), while Anna gets into it because she grew up cooped up bored and lonely in a big house, and entertained herself by looking into the history behind some of the family paintings. They don’t seem it at first, but they’re actually both huge medieval and ancient civilization history buffs.

~Hiccup is THE most touch-repulsed person you will ever meet. This is unfortunate, as he is also SUPER touch-starved and absolutely does not realize it (I mean, I’ve never gotten the vibe Stoic was the super huggy type, considering his and Hicc’s relationship in HTTYD 1). This means he has absolutely no fucking clue what to make of Anna when they first meet meet. Anna’s the sort of person to give physical affection pretty freely, especially if she likes you--usually in the form of hugs, arm pats or playful swats, putting her elbow on your shoulder, etc etc. Hiccup is kinda just like “this is way too much touching but like??? I kinda like having her this close to me??? What do???”

~Anna, meanwhile, notices that Hiccup kinda stiffens up whenever she touches him and seems to not be crazy about it and she’s just immediately like “yo what’s wrong???” And as SOON as he admits he’s not all that crazy about being touched randomly she’s like “OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY” and never touches him without asking again.

~As soon as she finds out touch a kind of A Whole Thing for him, Anna is like...AGGRESSIVELY respectful of Hiccup’s boundaries when it comes to physical affection. Almost annoyingly so. She gets in the habit of basically never initiating any kind of physical touch without asking first--even long after they’ve started dating, and he’s told her it’s okay to initiate touching as long as she’s not smothery about it. She still refuses out of principle.

~They come up with a kind of “consent language” so Anna can pretty quickly determine when it’s all right to touch Hiccup--because Anna still really likes being physically affectionate with him, and he does actually like receiving physical affection a lot of the time (because, again, touch-starved), he’s just choosy about who does it. They work out a system based off of small, light touches that Hiccup doesn’t mind where it’s basically 2 taps on his shoulder for “can I hug you around the neck,” 2 taps on his side for “can I hug you around the waist,” 2 taps on his arm for “can I grab/lightly slap/punch your arm,” and 1 tap on is shoulder for “can I put my arm/elbow on your shoulder.” If he’s cool with it he’ll either nod or just say “yeah go ahead.” It works a lot quicker than asking “can I do such-and-such specific touch” every single time, and allows Anna to keep some of her spontaneity. They develop this during their friendship and it ends up rolling over into their relationship, even after Hiccup has basically told her she doesn’t need to ask permission for a lot of these anymore. She adds a new one after they start dating--she taps him a couple times wherever she wants to kiss him to ask if it’s cool to give him a smooch! It usually is.

~INFODUMPING. Literally SO. MUCH. INFODUMPING. Hiccup absolutely WILL NOT SHUT UP when he gets to talking about one of his special interests. Anna just will not shut up in general, but when the topic changes to one of her hyperfixations, it’s even worse. If you try to have a conversation with these two while they’re infodumping, you WILL get talked over. Honestly, left to their own devices, they could probably infodump to each other for literal days on end.

~Despite how much they both like to infodump, they’re both pretty good about being patient and indulging the other when it’s their partner’s turn to infodump in the conversation XD They are, however, notorious about accidentally triggering a barely-related infodump in the other person. It’s not uncommon for one of them to finish a rant and then the other goes “OH THAT REMINDS ME” and sets off on a completely different, barely-related rant.

~Hiccup actually really appreciates how overexpressive--and occasionally overdramatic--Anna tends to be. He never has to try and figure out what she’s thinking because she just says everything in her brain, and her body language basically always matches how she’s feeling to a ridiculous extent, so he never has to give himself a headache trying to read her. The fact that she’s the opposite of subtle and has no filter whatsoever works great for him, because he doesn’t have to drive himself insane trying to understand her. He gets her better than he gets most people because she’s an open goddamn book. The boy’s never been the best with social cues at all, never mind the nuanced, obscure ones, so Anna’s general straightforwardness and utter inability to hide her true feelings at literally any time is a breath of fresh air. What you see is basically what you get, and Hiccup wouldn’t have it any other way.

~People think when Anna and Hiccup start dating it’s gonna be a disaster, mainly because he’s so blunt and she can be...”oversensitive” (i.e. has a REALLY bad case of RSD). Turns out they’re dead wrong--because Hiccup has RSD too! (I mean, come ON--look how BADLY he wants to get his village’s approval! And how hard he takes it when his dad or someone else is mad at him--even if he tries to hide it with snark) He’s actually one of the few people who can be blunt enough with Anna that she realizes when she’s being a dumbass but tactful enough not to hurt her feelings or set off her RSD--because god, has he been there. When Anna is being especially difficult and has worked herself into a real bad funk, Hiccup (and sometimes Elsa) is the only people who can talk to her and get through to her without getting blown up at.

~They stim in similar ways!!! They both tend to fidget or kinda bounce up in down in place as a way to comfort themselves and calm themselves down (I see them both having a lot of anxiety and generally being kind of paranoid, although Anna is MUCH better at hiding this via putting on a cheerful face). They both do the leg bounce!!! Also if they get SUPER excited they’ll do a little awkward happy dance!!! They both also tend to stim by rubbing things in small, repetitive motions--with Hiccup, it’s usually his sketching pens, his ear, his head, or the back of his neck, while with Anna, it’s usually her other hand, her arm, her clothes, or really anything with kind of a comforting, consistent texture (some favorites are rubber, felt, and velvet). After they start dating, they actually will stim with each other’s hands while holding hands--usually by squeezing the other person’s hand in kind of a repetitive pattern or doing the thumb-rub thing on the back of the other person’s hand. It’s not uncommon for them to each be doing something completely unrelated while holding hands and just stimming on each other’s hands the entire time. Anna especially really loves when she feels Hiccup stimming on her, because it’s her little indicator that he’s happy and feels at peace and content in her presence and she LOVES being able to do that for him!

~They both stim by playing with hair too! Anna likes to play with her own to stim--mainly by figeting with the end of her braids or tucking hair behind her ear. She DOES love to ruffle Hiccup’s hair too (and she LOVES how fluffy it is!), but it’s usually not a stim thing. After they start dating, Anna does occasionally stim by massaging Hiccup’s hair/scalp, but she doesn’t usually do it for very long. Hiccup really loves braiding Anna’s hair, or just playing with it when it’s down. it helps him relax and clear his mind to have something fairly repetitive and/or mindless to do.

~Even after gaining some confidence, Hiccup still has a fair bit of social anxiety, so he and Anna basically always go to parties and social events together and stick with each other the whole time to make it less intimidating for him. Hiccup generally prefers to let Anna do the talking when they chat with people, and sometimes if he’s REALLY nervous he’ll sometimes even let her kinda talk for him (not in a condescending “speaking over” kinda way, but more in like a “I can sense you’re not comfortable speaking here so I’ll help you out as best I can” kinda way). She always makes sure to leave space in the conversation for him to take over talking if he wants. She’s also incredibly prone to bragging about his accomplishments to basically everyone they know. Hiccup is both embarrassed and flattered by this.

~When Anna finds out about meltdowns (probably through Hiccup mentioning it kind of offhandedly--“Eh, sorry I went AWOL last night, I was having a bit of a meltdown. Don’t worry about it, I’m fine now.”) she lowkey gets super anxious and frustrated because she REALLY wants to help, but has no idea how. Cue literal HOURS of research on the internet and AGGRESSIVE memorizing of any and all tips that she reads that she thinks would help. Which, of course, means several MORE hours spent going over flashcards like she’s studying for a goddamn test, because Anna has never been known for her sharp, expansive memory.

~The first time Hiccup ever has a meltdown in front of her (maybe after a really bad phone fight with his dad or something? Just general sensory overload?), she takes him to a secluded room and IMMEDIATELY gets rid of anything that could be agitating sensory-wise. She dims the lights! She closes the blinds! She throws a nearby clock, an alarm, a timer, and several other objects with only the slightest potential of making an annoying noise out of a nearby window in a fit of passion! She goes on a frenzied quest to find Hiccup’s noise-cancelling headphones--and finishes it in record time! Even in a state of emotional turmoil, Hiccup realizes that Anna’s being just a little too methodical in how she goes about all this--these are the kind of things that wouldn’t ever occur naturally to her to do. So as soon as he calms down a bit and has screamed into a pillow for a while, he’s like “...did you go on the internet to look up how to help with meltdowns?” and Anna’s like “...yes?” And Hiccup is lowkey so touched he starts crying all over again...and then, naturally, makes a long string of snarky comments to try and distract from it XD

~For their anniversary Anna saves up a bunch and buys Hiccup a lizard and a terrarium!!! She gets him a crocodile skink because, I quote, “Well, they always look annoyed, they’re kinda shy, they don’t like to be touched, and they look like tiny dragons, so they reminded me of you!!!” Hiccup screams like a goddamn fangirl, he’s SO excited. As luck would have it, Hiccup’s crocodile skink is a lot less skittish and prone to hiding than they usually are, and he actually lets Hiccup pick him up and pet him without much issue. Which is honestly great, because repeatedly touching something smooth and even like lizard scales helps calm Hiccup down when he’s agitated and helps with some of his sensory issues.

~Probably goes without saying, but Hiccup basically NEVER genuinely gives Anna a hard time about her memory problems or how she’s not always the quickest on the uptake, and if anyone tries to call her annoying, dumb, or immature he will absolutely roast them into oblivion. He does sometimes like...lightly tease her about jumping into things without thinking or never shutting up, but he never pushes it if he can tell she’s genuinely bothered by it (and, again, Anna is very easy to read, so it’s not hard to tell XD)

~I’ve seen other people in the fandom HC either Hiccup, Anna, or both of them as BOTH autistic and ADHD, and honestly...fuck yes!!! I’m down for this too! I love the idea of these two disaster ND kids just vibing with each other on so many damn levels that it’s like...incomprehensible to the average human XD Like man, they fuckin GET each other!!! I’m pretty happy with most combinations of ADHD + Autistic headcanons for Anna and Hiccup, so long as they end up vibing!!!

~THEY JUST. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. SO MUCH. THEY LITERALLY WOULD DIE FOR EACH OTHER. I AM SURE OF IT. I’M CRYING.

#hiccanna #hiccup x anna #anna x hiccup #hiccup #anna #hiccupxanna #annaxhiccup #autistic hiccup #adhd anna #headcanons #hcs #httyd #frozen #crossover #rotbtd #rotbtfd #hiccup haddock #princess anna

31 notes · View notes

talk-nature-to-me · 5 years

Text

What does it mean to be disabled?

Why don’t you get a job? That’s a question that I have heard by a few people. Most everyone assumes that I am not disabled in any way. I can walk, I can talk, I can go to the bathroom, I can pick things up, I can see, hear, smell, taste, feel, and I can go out to public places. I have a dog that I help take care of, a gf that I spend time with, and friends that I talk to and occasionally hang out with. So why would I and people similar to me possibly be considered disabled?

Well lets started with the definition of disabled: “having a physical or mental condition that limits movements, senses, or activities” and to get disability benefits you need “a disabling condition that will last more than 12 months or result in death”. As you probably already know, people of any race, religion, gender, sexuality, height, weight, and age can be disabled. Please understand that it is a very common misconception that disabled people need assistance to walk. Some disabled people can walk on their own all the time, some need help some of the time, some need a wheelchair part or half of the time, some need a wheelchair all of the time, and some are bedridden.

Here is an incomplete list of disabling conditions:

Addison’s Disease

Aging

Albinism

Alcoholism

Alzheimer’s

Amputation

ALS

Anxiety

Arthritis

Ataxia

ADHD

Auditory Processing Disorder

Autism

Back impairment

Bipolar

Bladder impairment

Bleeding disorder

Blindness

Brain injury

Burn injury

Cancer

Cataplexy

Cerebral Palsy

Charcot-Marie-Tooth

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

Chronic pain

Colorblindness

Cumulative trauma

Deafness

Depression

Diabetes

Drug addiction

Dystonia

Eating Disorders

Ehlers-Danlos syndrome

Electrical sensitivity

Endometriosis

Epilepsy

Essential Tremors

FAS

Fibromyalgia

GERD

GI disordrs

Graves’ disease

Guillain Barre’ syndrome

Hearing impairment

Heart conditon

Hepatitis

HIV

Huntington’s disease

Intellectual impairment

Learning disability

Leg impairment

Low vision

Lupus

Lyme Disease

Marfan syndrome

Mental health impairments

MIgraine

Multiple chemical sensitivities

Multiple Sclerosis

Muscular Dystrophy

Myasthenia Gravis

Obesity

OCD

Paraplegia

Parkinson’s

Personality Disorder’s

Phobias

POTS

Polio

PTSD

Pregnancy(an exclusion to 12 months)

Quadriplegia

Raynaud’s disease

RSD

Renal/Kidney disease

Respiratory impairments

Sarcoidosis

Schizophrenia

SAD

Shingles

Sickle cell anemia

Skin conditions

Sleep disorders

Speech impairments

Spina Bifida

Stroke

Thyroid disorders

Tourette syndrome

Vertigo

So as you can see, disability can be invisible

Disability can be invisible

Anyways, back to my disability story. Yesterday, I managed to do a sink full of dishes I hadn’t been able to do, wash and dry four loads of laundry (not even fold them), collect all the indoor trash, and sweep the back patio over the course of six hours. This was with many breaks, advil, and afterwards a nice, hot bath with CBD butter and epsom salt. This morning I woke up in moderate neck, back, stomach, shoulder, and thigh pain. More advil it was, even though it eats away at my already bad stomach, because it’s the only over the counter pain medicine that works for me. And this time it didn't even help.

Now imagine not just 6 hours, but 8 hours a day with only one break. For 5 days a week. For 50 weeks a year. Sometimes I’ll have a good day and think “I’m doing so good I could go get a job!” and then I’ll get depressed and be like “there’s no way”. Back at the end of when I did have a job and my GI issues got worse and my autoimmune issues came into play, 25 hours a week would have me in bed crying after every shift. I would go home early from shifts from unimaginable costochondritis pain that felt like electric stabbing shocks. I wasn’t able to do anything but work and do basic hygiene.

My daily life consists of urgent and painful trips to the bathroom, bouts of nausea and dizziness, having less money than I need, chronic pain in my muscles, joints, nerves, back, chest, stomach, intestines, and legs, severe dehydration, taking various medications (and more to come), and not enough energy to get all my basic chores done.

On top of all that physical stuff, I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD that is so bad that it has led to psychosis. I get panic attacks every time I get behind the wheel of a car, and therefore I can't drive. I have PTSD flashbacks from abuse that leave me sobbing. I have spent countless nights and hours crying in my bed or in the shower. I'm on medications that are helping, but I still have a looooong way to go.

You may ask: but don't you go out and do things? Yes I do. I have good days with little to no issues, normal days with some issues, and bad days with most to all issues. But I specifically do my shopping on my normal or good days and specifically do the physically exerting activities I need to do on my good days. I won't go out and do stuff or invite you over on my bad days unless we're really close and then you'll truly know what this is like.

That was just my average daily life, this does not include the other events that have happened in past 6 months including:

Losing 15 lbs unintentionally and being unable to gain it back, making me 2 lbs from under weight

Having several period cramps that were so bad I couldn't walk/talk correctly

Going to the ER for severe dehydration that caused me to have a bp of 76/22 and therefore I could hardly remain conscious

About a dozen doctors visits

Two pain episodes that were so bad I wanted to die

Three random finger joint dislocations

Three hallucinations

15 mouth sores in one day (not from an allergy)

Trying to commit suicide/going inpatient

Having a dizzy/weakness spell that caused me to fall in the shower

The only diagnosises I have so far are anxiety, depression, PTSD, costochondritis, and anemia. But the doctors also think I have endometriosis, Crohn's, and an autoimmune disease. I can't get disability without an actual diagnosis. I have been dealing with chronic pain for the past 6 years, since I was 15. And I am still here with a daily invisible struggle. I am going to have a rheumatologist, gastroenterologist, gynecologist, and diagnostics appointment. But some of these medical things can be expensive. Thank god I am still on my parents insurance.

I will keep fighting, I will keep perservering, I will keep moving forward everyday. I am skinny, am pretty, I am smart, I am "normal". I can walk, I can talk, I can go to the bathroom, I can pick things up, I can see, hear, smell, taste, feel, and I can go out to public places. I have a dog that I help take care of, a gf that I spend time with, and friends that I talk to and occasionally hang out with. I will have stabbing chest pains from breathing while having a conversation with you and you will never notice. And then I will go to the bathroom and take some advil.

Please share your disability stories

To help out some disabilities or struggles disabled people face:

Hotlines/helplines:

In general

1) they are available to call 24/7

2) they are 100% confidential

3) they are free

United States Elder Abuse

1-866-363-4276Child Abuse /Dept of Social Services 1-800-342-3720

Alcohol Treatment Referral 1-800-252-6465

Cocaine addiction 1-800-262-2463

Drug Abuse 1-800-662-4357

National Association for Children of Alcoholics 1-888-554-2627

Ecstasy Addiction 1-800-468-6933

American Cancer Society 1-800-227-2345

National Cancer institute 1-800-422-6237

Elder Care Locator 1-800-677-1116

Want to know Jesus? 1-800-NEED-HIM

Social Security Administration 1-800-772-1213

Crisis Pregnancy 1-800-67-BABY-6

National Domestic Violence 1-800-799-SAFE

Elder Abuse 1-800-252-8966

Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention 1-800-931-2237

Eating Disorders Center 1-888-236-1188

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders 1-847-831-3438

Compulsive Gambling 1-410-332-0402

GriefShare 1-800-395-5755

Homeless 1-800-231-6946

American Family Housing 1-888-600-4357

LGBTQIA+ Helpline 1-800-398-GAYS

Gay and Lesbian National Hotline 1-888-843-4564

Poison Control (they will help with overdoses) 1-800-942-5969

S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends) 1-800-DONT-CUT

Project Know (sex addiction) 1-888-892-1840

Sex Addicts Anonymous 1-800-477-8191

Suicide Hotline 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Suicide Prevention 1-800-827-7571

Deaf Hotline 1-800-799-4TTY

Crisis Intervention (717) 851-5320 or 1-800-673-249

If you have a disability please feel free to reach out to me

17 notes · View notes

flashhwing · 5 years

Note

1, 7, 10 for the ask meme

yo i sent the same ones to the person i reblogged this from.

1. “@” people you want to be friends with

@octoaliencowboy @twinkothydrake @not-a-space-alien and like i’m sure there are others coz there’s a ton of cool people around but i can’t think of ‘em now

7. tell an embarrassing memory or story

y’know for someone with social anxiety and rsd, i don’t actually experience shame? but uhhh an experience that would’ve been embarrassing for like a normal person: in fifth grade on halloween, we were allowed to dress up and i did a devil costume, and it was this bright red sequined sleeveless top that tied around your neck and like it covered ur whole chest but was low in the back, and it was cheap synthetic fabric so it was impossible to be anything resembling form fitting, which seems good from a “you are ten years old please don’t be wearing sexy clothes” standpoint, right?

well anyway in class we were doing this party game where you tie balloons around your ankles and try to pop other people’s balloons while not getting yours popped. and i was fucking KILLING it, running around jumping on people’s balloons, noticing whose balloons were most full and therefore easiest to pop, purposefully selecting less full balloons for myself so nobody could pop mine. i was the queen of this game. i made it through like five rounds. nobody could beat me.

well in the middle of the last round, the teacher gently took me aside and led me to the bathroom to tell me that my shirt had slipped like halfway around my torso and my entire (tiny, ten year old) right boob was hangin out. and i was like “okay thanks, you coulda told me out there you didn’t have to make me lose”

and my classmates were like really cool about it like nobody teased me or anything and some people were expressing sympathy and asking me if i was okay and i just. genuinely did not understand why everyone was so worried about a barely existant boob when i could’ve won the fucking game if i’d just gotten the chance.

10. if you draw or write, show some of your really old work

behold, a page from my high school notebook, and the first few paragraphs of the very first roommates au i ever wrote (why do i have so many of those. why is this a pattern for me)(also yea, it was loki and tom hiddleston. it was 2012. i have no excuse)

1. if you had to hug anyone who would you hug

i’m kinda torn between @notstars-doors, whom i love a lot but have never met in person and who seems like they give good hugs, and my friend nicole, whom i love a lot and haven’t seen in 2+ years and who i know gives fantastic hugs

7. favorite song you cant stop listening to?

“Looks Red, Tastes Blue” by Mayday Parade it kinda makes me want to write a deathfic but i could never pull that off

10. whats something thats made you laugh recently?

my dad and i were watching the first episode (i think) of cheers and the boss lady was so badass like immediately everything she did made me laugh

#Anonymous #good luck reading that notebook page the image came out TINY #this has been a post #ask meme

7 notes · View notes

shadowofadalekmightdeactivate · 5 years

Text

Ride or Die

TRIGGERS: Main character Remus, cursing SHIPS: Brotherly Remus/Roman SUMMARY: Siblings argue. That’s what they do. One day Thomas gets into a fight with his brother. Instead of shrugging it off as he always does, Remus does something…A little different. A/N: I’ve had a bad day thanks to Anxiety and RSD being pieces of shit so I wrote this instead of studying. Enjoy.

“…I hope I NEVER see you agAIN!!” Patton sighed as the door to Roman’s room slammed shut. Remus seemed completely oblivious to the tantrum he’d caused, happily coming back down the stairs with a skip in his step. He backpedalled when he saw Patton on the couch. “Good afternoon, Patton~!” He greeted him. “How’s your day been?”

Patton didn’t want to answer, afraid of giving him an opening to start something. Remus blinked at him expectantly. Soon, the darker Side of creativity’s smile started to fade. “Are…You okay?” He asked. Patton forced a smile. “I’m fine, Re-kiddo,” he said. “No need to worry!” Remus didn’t buy it. Patton grabbed the back of the couch as the other side flopped down against it, almost sending him bouncing off. He put his arm around Patton’s shoulders and all but pulled him against him. “Bullshit! You’ve got that fake smile on your face. What happened?” Patton cringed inwardly as Remus’ body odor filled his nose. How a Side could smell, he had no idea, but Remus was pretty…Fragrant. He cleared his throat and scrambled to think of a good reason to be upset. “It’s…Well, it’s just…” He trailed off, wincing as his chest clenched again. He hated when Thomas fought with his brothers. The rare times it happened he always wanted to escape away to his room and hide under the covers until bedtime. “It’s just what? Speak up, Patton, I can’t read your mind.” Patton twisted out of his grip and hugged himself. “Don’t you feel that?” He asked. “That…Twinge?” “Yeah but I just thought it was Roman’s bright-ass lights hurting my eyes.” Patton looked up to meet Remus’ eyes. The Dark Side blinked brightly at him. Patton shook his head slightly before standing. “Never mind, kiddo…” He said softly. “You wouldn’t get it.” He sank down to his room before Remus could say anything else. Remus tilted his head to the side. Now that was odd. First of all—it was rare for Patton to even be friendly with the Dark Sides, let alone almost spill his guts to them. Second, there was that twinge he was talking about. Now that he thinks about it, Remus can feel something kind of painful deep in his chest. The Sides don’t have hearts (he knows, he’s checked), so where is that coming from? Footsteps starting coming down the stairs. Remus almost broke his neck turning to see who it was. “Roman!!” He cheered, waving wildly to get his brother’s attention. “The great king of sulks came out of his room!!” Roman flinched at the sound of his twin’s voice. He snarled something along the lines of “piss off and die” before raiding the fridge for chocolate milk and heading upstairs again. Remus almost went after him before he caught himself. Now why the Hell was he following his twin? Remus leaned against the couch. He wasn’t sure why he even greeted his twin in the first place. Usually he doesn’t talk to the Light Sides at all, unless it’s to harass them with morbid funny thoughts. But today something’s yelling at him to go talk to Roman. To apologize. Why the Hell he should, he didn’t know, but the voice nagged at him anyways. Dreaming up increasingly gory things only seemed to cause the voice to get louder. With a sigh he finally gave in, heading up the stairs to his twin’s room.

Roman glared out at the world from his bedsheets. Nothing had gone right today. He was uninspired, exciting plans had fallen through and now Thomas’ brother seemed to have nothing better to do than blame him for something that wasn’t his fault. How were they supposed to know the last piece of cake was his?! To top it all off, Remus had decided today was the perfect time to come break down his door and taunt him about all the ways he’d failed at making anything that truly counted as good content. Roman had finally lost his patience, kicked his twin out of his room and now refused to leave it except to get chocolate milk to drown his sorrows with. He was leaning on his 30th minute of sulking when a knock came at the door. “Roman, it’s me again!” Roman groaned at the sound of his twin’s voice. “Heck off,” he snapped. “Haven’t you tortured me enough?!” “No! But I’m not here to torture you.” Roman pulled the covers up over his head. “Go away.” There was a brief silence. The next time Remus spoke, it was much quieter. “Hey, listen, um…I’m sorry. Okay? I didn’t mean all that stuff. I’m just trying to, um…Encourage you?” “You told me nothing I did was worth keeping!” Roman threw back the covers and sat up, glaring at the door and willing it to burst into flames. “How the Hell is that “encouraging” me?!” Another silence. The doorknob jiggled before Remus spoke again. “Come on, Roman, let me in. Please?” “No!” Roman buried himself under his covers again. “Go away!” He heard thumping, then banging. The bangs steadily got louder until he heard his door slam against the wall. Someone walked over to his bed and sat near his feet. “Get up,” Remus said bluntly. Roman pulled his bed covers tighter. “No.” “Yes you will~!” Remus started tickling the sole of Roman’s foot. Roman jerked his foot away and growled at him. “No.” “Come on.” “Piss off.” “Please?” “Go away, Remus!” “At least look me in the eye.” “Never!” A sigh. Roman peeked out to see his brother playing with the ruffles on his sleeve. He didn’t seem to be planning anything malicious, just looked a little…Sad. ‘Talk to him,’ a voice in his head nagged. Roman rubbed his eyes and sat up. Remus brightened up when he saw him. “Make it quick,” he growled. “I still don’t want to see you.” Remus grinned, then started talking so fast it was impossible for Roman to understand him. He didn’t become coherent until he started winding down from his little (long winded) speech. “MY POINT IS…I like you, Ro. Sure, you’re stupid and annoying and a little goodie two-shoes, but you’re still my brother. Maybe one day…We can explore the Imagination together?” Roman’s knee-jerk reaction was to say no. Remus looked so hopeful, though, eyeing him like a puppy that wanted to go to the dog park. He couldn’t say no to a face like that. Running his fingers though his hair, he sighed. “Fine. Yes. But so help me Remus if you do anything stupid in there—” He was cut off by the twin launching himself at him. Roman found himself on his bedroom floor in a matter of seconds, tangled up with Remus in a mess of red, green and black. Remus was hugging him so tightly it was hard to breath and Roman was (once again) happy Sides didn’t have bones, since he was sure Remus would have broken every single one of them by now. Remus eventually let go, sitting up to grin down at Roman. His usual mischievous glint shone in his eye. “Looks like Deceit is right!” He chirped. “You’re a bottom.” “I’m—I’m a what? What??” Remus winked at him and stood up as his words registered. Roman narrowed his eyes before grabbing his sword from under the bed and throwing it at his already retreating brother. “GET OUT!!!”

#Sanders Sides #TS Remus #cursing #Redhead Writes

1 note · View note

bythegraceofcass · 7 years

Text

Thank y'all so much for following me!

THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH FOR FOLLOWING ME! A special thanks goes out to all 28 of you! Because of you guys I feel accepted. Lately, I've been extremely suicidal, depressed and overall feeling worthless. I'm sick with multiple chronic illnesses, I've had over 15 procedures and surgeries under anesthesia, I've been diagnosed with Gastroparesis on top of RSD, Fibromyalgia, Severe Depression, Anxiety, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Asthma, Migraines, PTSD from abuse no thanks to my step mother and father, Interstitial Cystitis and Endometrioses. I lost my boyfriend because of these illnesses... he is now about to get married, has an awesome job and travels... he ignores me completely and treats me as if I never happened to him. He hasn't spoken to me in over a year. I, on the other hand, am a disappointment... for someone who was once thought to be successful... I spend all day, everyday, in bed. I hardly sleep most days from pain despite my taking Percocet. I have recently had a stimulator implanted in my spine (it was done on my birthday, the same day Harvey hit us), yet I'm still in extreme pain. My parents ignore me. My mother, my biological mother... who I saved from addiction and put so much time and effort into building a relationship with, doesn't even acknowledge me. In fact, she and my little sisters and uncle (on her side of the family) hope I die alone since I'm "such a miserable person". My mother also claimed I deserved the abuse I received, which granted me an injured neck that I am currently undergoing extremely painful and taxing treatment for. My father never even tells people he has a daughter. He spends his money on the finer things in life: his 2017 Viper, five star meals, vacations to Europe, doting on and bragging about his wife, and getting together with his Viper club. He doesn't offer to help me with my never ending medical bills and tells me I just "need to toughen up, quit whining and get a job" when I can hardly make it out of bed, barely eat and constantly have something going on with me on a daily basis. He never calls or texts me because he claims I annoy him and "piss him off" with my "constant whining". Great, now I'm crying. The reason I'm telling you all of this is because this show saved my life, because of you... I'm writing again when my father said I was a terrible writer, any editor or publisher would immediately decline to accept my work and I would get nowhere with a degree in writing. I may be just another Tumblr user you could care less about, and I'm not telling you this to feel sorry for me. Because of Supernatural, the cast and you guys... I have come out as bisexual for the first time since I claimed my sexuality when I was 15. I have fought harder than I have ever fought. Even though I don't want to live most days, I push on anyway. So, thank you for sharing this little piece of bliss with me. Thank you for allowing me to enter this fandom, even though I just joined November 2016. Thank you for accepting me, all 28 of you. It means the world to me.

#supernatural #supernatural fandom #supernatural family #Destiel #spnfamily #spn fandom #spn #dean winchester #sam winchester #SPNfamily #castiel #jensen ackles #jared padalecki #misha collins #akf campaign #akf #supernatural fanfic

17 notes · View notes

aslsuzyq · 7 years

Text

We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating. In a way, this is partially true. That is because when it is “YOUR pain” then it IS “YOUR” WORST. What I mean is that everything can be challenging when you feel like your own story is the only one that’s difficult like this. Consider Brian Greene’s idea, as he writes about the string theory in clear English : He points out that, “in an infinite universe, each of us is at the center”. Exactly, my point and what I’m trying to convey here, today. For example, one person may feel that whatever they are going through with chronic pain is the worst pain they’ve experienced in life…ever!, The patient may feel this way due to the possible negative outcome of certain treatments or the lack of treatment and/or empathy, or understanding. One person could feel that their situation is the very bottom of the “pit”. The true “fires of Hell” very well may be his/her situation. The outcome could be a “loss” of the use of his legs; to him this is the worst thing that he could imagine. For another pain patient, or an RSD/CRPS sufferer, she may be afraid and feel that her suffering is the hardest that anyone can imagine because RSD/CRPS is #43, which is so very high on the McGill pain scale. She may scared because she is so young and has her whole life ahead. For her, this disease is taking so much; it is a thief of sorts! She could lose so many possibilities in life. Maybe she has indeed lost so much already? What about the younger ones who’ve never been able to experience true love or the dream of being a mother and holding that baby for the first time? Maybe the dream is something different but what if they don’t ever get to do the things that I got to do prior to my pain? There is much to lose at each and every stage, when your life gets harder, the pain gets worse. It even gets more difficult to find things that make you smile again.

Today it feels to me as though life for patients with chronic pain has become much more challenging. We have to worry about going to different specialists and having a legitimate “Pain Dr.” now instead of just going to our General Practitioners or Primary Care Docs. We must have and visit a Pain Dr. every month or 2 months, if we are on any kind of Opioids. Today we must do urine tests, the million questions (yes, I’m exaggerating), the signature or the signing of a contract to prove that we will not seek out any other Dr. or even get any other medications for pain from any of our other Physicians. Therefore, if we have a surgery, our pain meds must be authorized by our current Pain Physician, before we can get them or take them! The new “CMS strategy for use/misuse of Opioids” is happening as I write this article . Let me explain. This is the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. They intend to curb opioid misuse and abuse. But in the meantime they could cause needless suffering to many of our most impoverished and elderly persons in pain. There were posts made by me and Letters sent out by the U.S. Pain Foundation & RSDSA, regarding this. There were tweets, posts, letters etc. going around to get emails out by Friday, March 4, 2017; to help change some of this strategy before the deadline at midnight Friday. The new Strategy doesn’t go into effect until April 7th, 2017, but we needed many emails to go out. We needed these emails to help fix what may be a problem for many chronic pain sufferers who rely on Opioids for pain relief. (*For more information visit: The U.S. Pain eNewsletter, Feb 1, 2017 “CMS publishes new strategy to combat opioid misuse”)! There are obstacles coming toward us from all directions it seems right now. There’s also the way that Pharmacists can be “the Dr.’s” now and they, along with our insurance companies, can override what our own physicians direct us to take for pain medications. Things are changing and getting more difficult for many persons living with high pain illnesses. I have had people come to me in the groups that I administrate. They have asked me “What can I do? The pharmacy wants me to come back every 5 days to get Opioid pain meds that I’ve been on for years? I cannot drive and it’s an hour away from my house! What can I do?” I feel terrible because I can’t “fix” it for them. I’m writing letters, tweeting & emailing, but no one is listening to me either; not yet. I don’t mind if they change the way the medications are made, such as changing it so they cannot be crushed, broken or changed in any way into another form. That’s fine with me because I am a legitimate pain patient, who takes my pain medication responsibly at the right times and on the correct dates. But God forbid if you do anything different or wrong! I was questioned because my pharmacy took 6 days to get my medication in! My Dr. wanted to know why “I waited 6 days to get my pain medication”. I felt like a criminal or like a scared child! This was no fault of my own and in fact, my husband tried to check around but nobody else had my medication in during those dates either. I was punished because I’m the one who started getting very ill for those 5 days! I had to go through that because even though I go to the same pharmacy monthly and for the same medications; they didn’t have my specific medications that month! When I returned to the Pain Dr. appointment, of course he wanted to know why there was a “lag” in time for picking up my meds. It’s just getting harder, more scary and more confusing. I’m tired and I can see why people feel like giving up sometimes. But we cannot give up! I will not ever give up! I have to keep on fighting for my rights and for all of our rights!

After my heart surgery in February, 2013; I found out that my RSD/CRPS had traveled to my heart as well as my whole left side. I have so much pain in my neck, knees, lower back, hands, feet, arms, legs etc, from several of chronic pain illnesses or issues. At times, I’m afraid, sad and I get lonely too. But I know that this is only “MY” worst, not anyone elses. I only truly know my own private pain. We all have our own health and pain issues that are specific to each of us. While I can’t take the pain “journey” for you, I can go through it “with” you in a personal way. I can be your friend, listen to your heart and because of computers, I can virtually reach out to you via my groups, my blog and even articles.

Every one of us has real fears, anxieties and true pain. I recently read a story about a poor woman in terrible pain with great fear. I do understood her fear (to a point) and her pain (only from as far as I can draw from my own experiences). Then I read about another, younger woman in the same kind of horrible pain. In both of their personal stories, deep fears and pain came through. The younger woman feels that she has so much to lose, as she hasn’t even started her life yet. Some of us have already had our children and we’ve had “real” jobs or a career for a while. We may have even been through some good &/ or exciting adventures prior to becoming chronically ill? Maybe we’ve done some fun things in our lives or accomplished a goal? Some of the younger people living wth chronic pain have not been able to achieve any of those things, not yet, anyway. What I see through my patient advocacy work with chronic pain and Invisible Illness; is so much love and compassion. Sometimes it is dampened and even overidden by our real fears and the feeling that we are “the person worse off”. We each may feel that “it’s not fair” or that our pain is “the worst”. But it is our own personal worst; which is different for every individual. When I think of pain in this way, I realize that we all have essentially the same inner feelings. If I can stop thinking of my own situation and my pain, and step back for a moment; I’m better able to empathize with others who live with pain. I know that many of us share the same inner feelings of solitude with our illnesses at times. We cannot give up on ourselves or each other. We must not stop trying to fight for a life that we each deserve.

Yes, this is what Chronic Pain does.

No Competition, No Winners!

We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

No Competition, No Winners!

We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

No Competition, No Winners! We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

0 notes

raseforcrps · 7 years

Text

Yes, this is what Chronic Pain does.

No Competition, No Winners!

We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

No Competition, No Winners! We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

0 notes

jewelrymkr · 7 years

Text

Yes, this is what Chronic Pain does.

No Competition, No Winners! We each feel like our own pain is the worst and that what we are going thru is the hardest and most devastating.

0 notes

bythegraceofcass · 7 years

Text

Who I Am

I never really write these introduction type of things... mostly because I'm afraid for people to get to know me, and also because I'm so tired of being bullied. In short... I'm afraid. I'm afraid of judgement, I'm afraid of hatred and I'm afraid of the truth I'm about to write here. My name is Andrea. I'm 22 years old and have done nothing with my life. The reason for this is because I have multiple illnesses which prevent me to put mind over matter. I have RSD which is basically the most painful disease known to medical science. I also have Gastroparesis which means my gut is paralyzed and causes me the inability to hold down food, eat, causes chronic vomiting due to undigested food, awful pain, etc., Severe Fibromyalgia, Asthma, Endometriosis, Interstitial Cystitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Migraines due to a neck injury I received from my abusive father and step mother, who I no longer live with. I have had seven surgeries, in fact I'm actually recovering from one right now: a spinal cord stimulator implant in my spine to help me walk due to the RSD affecting my left leg. I'm so critical of my life at this very moment; simply put: I hate my life right now. I hate that I can't work and have to amount to constant judgement and nasty attitudes from some family members. Last year, I wanted to die. I wanted to end it all because I was so tired of how much pain I live in on a daily basis, I was so tired of constantly being exhausted, I was so tired of the guilt, depression, anxiety and PTSD, I was so tired of being ignored by my father and step mother.. to them, I don't exist. I was so heartbroken due to a break up I went through with my then boycriend of two years. I was tired of the way my biological mother treated me; she in short told me she hopes I'll die alone, I deserved the abuse from my father and step mother, she said I'm a truly miserable and awful person. Even though I saved her from her alcohol addiction by putting her through rehab which caused her to meet her now husband, get my half sisters back in her custody, have a dog which I gave her... she hopes I die alone. So, last year around December I truly wanted to end my life. Then, when I had a cholescystectomy, I decided to give Supernatural a little look see.

I was immediately enraptured by the story of these two brothers and their Angel. Of all of the characters, I found myself relating Castiel and Bobby the most. Castiel because i do nothing but try. I try so hard to regain my independence. I fight and fight but, even if I have good intentions, I'm beaten down, tormented by my conscious, shunned by some of my family and always seem to end up losing. I feel just as broken as this beautiful creature.

Bobby, well, when Bobby was dying we got to see his abusive childhood, his father. Bobby so desperately wanted to be as far from his father as he could, so he shot him just so he could protect his mother and himself. Bobby's fear was always clear: He would never ever end up like his dad. Which is why he refused to have children of his own. Same goes for me. I love all of these beautiful characters, however I love Castiel and Bobby a little bit more, only because they struck a chord with me. More specifically being Castiel out of them all.

As I continued to watch I began to find my place, a fandom I could call home and family. Being sick, I lost all of my friends, I lost my independence, my future career-wise, I had to drop out of college. Instead I spend my time seeing doctors, inside hospitals and emergency rooms, in my house locked up in my dark room day after day alone (my grandmother works, which also makes me feel so utterly guilty and worthless due to my lack of contribution) with my cat and three dogs. Thanks to this show, I have a family. I have people I can lean on if I ever need the support, I have people I'm close with. One, in particular: my best friend who, even though she lives in Canada and I in Texas, we speak every single day. This show has done so much for me and more.

Misha Collins... Where do I begin. This man saved my life. Yes, the show did most of it but the moment Castiel walked inside that barn on my tiny MacBook Air screen whilst I was doped up on pain medication and struggling to breath from my gallbladder surgery, I felt safe. I immediately wanted to get to know this human, the actor behind the Angel. So I started looking him up on YouTube and watched his conventions so many of you are so very kind to post... for that I thank you. This man is the epitome of kindness, love and compassion. I know he'll never know of my existence but, because of him, because of the Angel he is both on and off-screen, I decided to stay. No matter how much I hurt, no matter how guilty and worthless I feel, watching Misha's conventions on YouTube, seeing the charity work he does (My, what fame has done to this beautiful man), the fact that he loves poetry, is so passionate about humanity and equality, his quirkiness and weird antics, his laugh, his smile, his eyes... him. Everything. He was the final reason I needed to stay.

Because of this show and it's cast, I finally discovered who I am. This is the first time I have ever written or admitted this aside from my best friend, but I'm ready. I'm ready to make peace with it and embrace it. I'm bisexual. For years I hid it, even from myself. I just shoved and pushed it aside but deep down I knew I was bisexual. The only thing that stopped me from admitting it was my father, who is very homophobic. I refuse to allow him to force me to lie to myself and hide who I am, anymore. I'm afraid to put this out there, but at the same time... I'm ready.

So, I believe thanks are in order.

•Thank you Misha Collins for simply existing. Thank you, sir, for saving my life. You don't know I exist, but because you exist... I choose to stay.

•Thank you Jared Padalecki, Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles for all you do for our family: from charity work to conventions. Thank you for being there for us.

•Tina, if you're reading this. I love you, bitch. Because of you, I feel loved and needed. I feel accepted. Because of you, I finally came out and expressed who I really am; no bars, no filter. All me. Thank you for being my sister, I'll always be here just as you're always there for me. You mean everything to me.

Finally, thank you so much Supernatural. Thank you for helping me find my place in the world. Thank you for helping me find a family full of psychotic weirdos I can feel comfortable with. You guys are so accepting and kind... it just makes me feel so loved anytime I log on to my various social media accounts. Thank you so much Supernatural. And thank you SPNFamily.

34 notes · View notes