Match making
Beacon staff room
Ozpin: so teacher I have important news
Glynda: does it have to do with that scroll call from mrs. Arc
Ozpin: indeed, mrs. Arc has put major importance on the livelihood of the Arc family
Glynda: maybe not accepting an untrained boy into a school for monster hunters is a good start
Port: nonsense. It builds character, I remember… (goes off on tangent)
Ozpin: sadly no it has nothing to do with his training or lack there of, it has to do with continuing the Arc legacy
Oobleck: so finding him a wife
The teachers: …
Ozpin: taking bets?
Peach: 1000 on jaune and Ms. Schnee
Oobleck: oh I know that the arc’s and the belladonna’s go way back so my moneys on jaune and Blake
Port: no no no we all know blonds must stick together so 1000 on ms. Xiao long and Mr. Arc
Glynda: I can’t believe we’re doing this
Ozpin: oh hush we all know you penchant for match making
Glynda: (sighs) 1000 on Mr. Arc and young ms. Rose
Ozpin: good (jots all of it down)
Port: what about you sir
Oobleck: oh yes what about you
Glynda just stares at him
Ozpin: oh my I guess I have no choice. In my case it would have to be Mr. Arc and ms. Nikos
As the teachers talk and discuss their own choices ozpin finished writing his list
Ozpin: well the list has been made
White knight 1000
Knightshade 1000
Dragonslayer 1000
Lancaster 1000
Arkos 1000
Arcwitch 10000
Glynda: w- what is arcwitch
Ozpin: oh that’s the bet mrs. Arc made
Glynda: who is it for
Ozpin: oh that’s simple mr. Arc and you Glynda
Glynda: HE WAS 7
Port: oh ho what’s this do you know our young mr. Arc
Glynda: (sigh) I used to look after the arc children along with Mr. Arcs oldest sister. One day little jaune came up to me and asked me to marry him
Ozpin: oh no but Mr. Goodwitch don’t you know about the arc family motto “an arc never goes back on their word”
Glynda just blushes and looks flustered
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Got a special one for Halloween. Can you do a scene from one of the Scary Movies (preferably 1, 2, or 3) please?
Well, it's past Halloween because I'm so backed up on drafts, but I'll see what I can do.
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Who Could Have Done It?
Ironwood: It had to be someone connected to the victims.
Ozpin: And knew about the accident.
Goodwitch: Someone who could move around unseen.
Ruby: But who... (Looks outside, Gasps)
Taiyang: (Memory) Yeah, they used to be a great team before the accident. Almost inseparable, those two.
Ruby: (Gasps)
Qrow: (Memory, Burps) Is... Is good, Squirt... Just... Just doin mah rounds...
Ruby: (Gasps)
Qrow: (Belches, Smiles) Good night, girls~.
Ruby: (Watches crow outside crap) QROW!
Ironwood: Shitliver?!
Ozpin: (Runs out) Peter! Where's Qrow?!
Port: I haven't seen him.
Goodwitch: Bart, have you seen Qrow?!
Oobleck: Sadly, no, ma'am.
Ironwood: HAS ANYONE SEEN QROW?!
Peach: Uh, yeah, he just left out back, sir.
Qrow: (Stumbling outside, Walks straight)
Qrow: (Rips off jacket, Takes off stubble)
Qrow: (Takes out cigarette, Lights it)
Winter: (Pulls up in car, Hair down shoulders) What took you so long, babe~?
Qrow: (Puffs) Just had to put the kids to bed. (Hops in, Kisses her)
Ironwood: (Runs outside, Watches them drive out) Dammit!
Ruby: (Picks up tossed jacket, Finds dagger) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-! (Hit by a car)
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Very Intelligent and Clean Animals
Zwei: (Barks)
Nora: Hi, little guy, how are you~?
Zwei: Fuck off, thunder thighs!
Nora: Wh... What?
Zwei: I said, "Fuck off! Thunder! Thighs!"
Nora: ...I oughtta kick your ass, you son of a-
Pyrrha: Whoa! Whoa! Easy, Nora! Easy! He's just a dog. Hi, little buddy! Would you like a bone?
Zwei: No, but I'd like to bone your momma's sweet ass!
Pyrrha: ...What did little buddy say to me?
Zwei: I said, "Little buddy wanna bone yo momma's sweet ass~."
Pyrrha: You don't talk about my momma like that! You don't know my momma like that!
Zwei: Oh, I knew yo momma real well. I fucked last night. She was howling like a bitch in heat!
Pyrrha: You wanna go?! I'll kill you!
Zwei: Ooh! I'm so scared! Bring it, bitch! Step in my cage and I'll show you and that stupid fucking pony tail who's the alpha male here!
Pyrrha: (Tosses Nora aside, Rattles cage) NAH! NAH! NAH! YOU WANT ME?! I'LL FUCKING GUT YOU RIGHT HERE!
Zwei: (Gnawing the bars) Let me outta here! I'll fuck you up!
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The All-Knowing Oracle
Jaune: Hello?
Emerald: I know. Jaune Arc. I'll be right with you. And don't mind the vase.
Jaune: What vase-? (Vase rattles) Oh my gosh! (Backs away) I'm so sorry-! (Bumps pillar, Giant vase konks his head)
Emerald: That vase. I am The Oracle. Please, have a seat.
Jaune: (Sits, Fart) ...It was the chair.
Emerald: Of course, (Sits, Loud and wet fart) it was the chair.
Emerald: I know why you've come. A great mystery awaits you, young knight, but you must not shy away from the challenge. Only you can- (Turns around)
Mercury: (Watching TV)
Emerald: Merc.
Mercury: Yeah, Em?
Emerald: Do you mind?
Mercury: (Gestures) I'm watching the game.
Emerald: ...The Burns win by 12.
Mercury: (Turns off the TV, Drops remote)
Jaune: Uh, can you tell me about-
Emerald: The relic.
Jaune: Yes! I held it and-
Emerald: Your scroll rang.
Jaune: Y-Yeah, and a voice said-
Emerald: That you would die in seven days.
Jaune: Okay, that's-
Emerald: Getting annoying.
Jaune: Yes.
Mercury: Try living with her. She gets mad about girls I haven't even slept with yet!
Emerald: ...Let me see the relic.
Jaune: Here.
Emerald: (Holds the relic, Vision plays)
Jaune: Look! It's-
Emerald: A vibrator?
Jaune: ...I was going to say Beacon Tower.
Mercury: Go to Beacon Tower. It's your destiny. (Relic shifts)
Jinn: (Watches, Fly lands on the relic)
Emerald: (Swats fly)
Jinn: (Reels)
Emerald: There we- (Swatted)
Jinn: (Smugly holds flyswatter)
Mercury: Uh, E-Em...
Emerald: ...I knew that was going to happen. (Spit hits her cheek)
Mercury: (Pulls Jaune) Okay, get back! Get back!
Emerald: (Wipes spit) Oh hell no. (Reaches into the relic, Pulls Jinn out) GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE! (Punches Jinn) What is your problem?! (Punches) Did the Brothers teach you no manners?!
Jinn: (Pulls away)
Emerald: (Grabs Jinn) GET BACK HERE!
Mercury: BABY, NO! NO! (Pulls Emerald back) Let go! Let go! Baby, we can't take another lawsuit!
Emerald: She spit on me!
Jinn: (Smugly smiles)
Mercury: You won! Okay? You won. Up top, (Hand clap) down low, (Hand clap) and a rump bump (Bump rear). See? We're good- BABY NO!
Emerald: IMMA KILL HER! Are you crazy? Are you crazy?!
RIIIIIIIP!
Emerald: HAHA! Not so great without this, huh?!
Jinn: (Feels her ripped out hair)
Emerald: (Clocks Jinn)
Mercury: You picked the wrong relic to come out of!
Jinn: (Collapses)
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Can you do a Bob Roberts reference please?
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Ozpin: Hm? Where's Glynda?
Port: She stayed behind with Barty to discuss student papers and exams next week. They'll meet us in the office later.
Ozpin: (Crowd cheers as he enters, Reporters clamor to get close) I see I'm very popular today.
Port: Now, now, don't crowd the man! One at a time! Miss, please don't get too close!
POW!
Ozpin: URK! (Falls to the ground)
Peach: CALL AN AMBULANCE!
Port: Give the man some air!
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Cardin: This is what happened; I was waiting for the headmaster when I heard gunshots. About six, seven, eight of them. I turned around to see he had been shot by some faunus, about seven or eight of them. I jumped on top of one of them, diarmed him, and knocked him unconcious-
Neptune: Are you Lisa Lavender?
Lisa: That depends on who's asking.
Sun: Don't get smart with us! Are you Lisa Lavender?
Lisa: Yes, I am.
Neptune: Is it true you were filming during the shooting?
Lisa: Yes.
Sun: We'd like to see the footage. It might provide us with some evidence.
Lisa: ...Cyril, get the van ready, and make sure we have the original.
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Shadow: (Walking, Praying) Please, Brothers. Please, Brothers. Please, Brothers. Please, Brothers. Save Oz. Save Oz. Save Oz.
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