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bbangsoonie · 3 years

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good for nothing

member: juyeon genre: angst (royal au) word count: 4,635 synopsis: despite being the first born and the kingdom’s princess, you lived your whole life in the shadow of the crown prince born to a concubine. in your plot for revenge, a fool in love comes along your path. warning(s): violence

kingdom masterlist

Princess Y/n. You were the first born of the king and queen, educated beyond societal standards for girls, and incredibly beautiful. Yet, you were disregarded and looked down on since the moment you were born. Your brother, who was born to a concubine, was the crown prince and received much greater respect. The reason? You were a girl. A good-for-nothing girl as your father called you on multiple occasions.

The king was ashamed to have his first born be a daughter. He also felt threatened by your rejection of the status quo. Because of this, he grabbed every opportunity to make you submit to him.

You were exceptionally smart but no one cared to notice. Your desire to learn was ignored and you were forced to embroider butterfly patterns instead. At a young age, you realized your place. You knew your designated fate was to be a political pawn meant to be married off at a beautiful age. To protect the royal family that never considered you as one of their own, you were to marry a complete stranger one day.

However, just because you realized your place didn’t mean you accepted it. You defied the rules at every chance you saw. You remained a headache for the king, but a small enough headache to avoid his wrath.

Unbeknownst to him, you were well versed with the dirty politics of the country. Ever since you were a little girl, you would eavesdrop into the ministers’ conversations and manipulate the eunuchs to take a peak at written grievances sent to the king. You knew about the starving peasants he ignored and the bribes he received. As you grew older, you became hungry for power. When it became apparent that the king was blocking any hope for you, you were determined to take as many people down with you. You refused to suffer alone.

The king always berated you for being greedy. Greedy for education. Greedy for acknowledgement. Greedy for a life that was more than just being a good wife. He reminded you again and again that you would never have a voice in official affairs.

Every time you left his chamber after another lecture, you made sure to humiliate the embarrassment the kingdom called the crown prince. You would outshine him one way or another. Whether it be pointing out his grammar mistakes in front of the scholars or exposing his secret palace escapes to the queen, you would dampen his mood for the day. It was the only thing that gave you a speck of joy.

There was also only one thing that gave you something to look forward to. For years, you had been conspiring against the royal family. You despised the royal family and its classist, sexist, and pretentious values. You planned on getting rid of it once and for all. The kingdom deserved a leader that would rule benevolently. Slowly but surely, you gained the loyalty of several ministers. Soon enough, you would be able to execute the meticulous coup d'état.

But until then, you had to continue to be nothing but the king’s puppet. Which included meeting your fiancé. You were introduced a week ago and wedding preparations were already in full swing.

The man you would be forced to wed, Lee Juyeon, was the first son of the Chief State Councillor. You didn’t like him the moment you saw him. He was a pretty face that grew up with his father’s full love and support. He was both elegant and masculine; he was the definition of perfect and you hated it. A person had to have flaws to be likeable.

For some crazy reason you couldn’t wrap your mind around, Juyeon was infatuated with you. He visited the palace every day just to have you decline his request for a meeting. He was persistent.

Unfortunately for you, he was also crafty. He figured out that announcing his arrival to the king was an effective way to see your face. The king was delighted to see the Chief State Councillor’s son head over heels for his daughter and thus, to your annoyance, daily meetings were arranged for you two.

“Tell me, Lord Lee, what about me is worthy of your obsession?” you asked.

You were sitting at one of the gardens within the palace walls. He had insisted on the location because of its romantic beauty.

“Then tell me, Your Highness, what about me is not to your liking?” he grinned.

“Do you wish to hear the answer of the princess or the answer of Y/n?” you raised a brow, making him laugh.

“You amuse me, Princess Y/n,” he turned his head to look at the pond.

You sighed, wondering how long you had until you could return to your residence. The man next to you was oblivious to your feelings as he rambled on about the dates he wanted to take you on. He caught your attention when he mentioned sneaking you out of the palace for half a day.

“You would really risk taking me outside of the palace?” you perked up.

He was excited to see you finally engaged in the conversation and nodded profusely. He promised to set up an elaborate plan for a smooth date. Grudgingly, you accepted his offer. Your wish to see the village overwhelmed your wish to avoid your soon-to-be consort.

The next day, a court lady secretly found you to notify you of his plans. To evade the eyes of palace maids, you were to escape through a path not commonly used. She helped you scale the wall and you froze when you saw Juyeon on the other side. You sat on top of the wall and he extended his hand for support. With a tight smile, you held his hand and jumped down.

He pulled the veil over your face to keep your identity hidden, blushing when his hand slightly brushed your cheek. He hopped onto the horse and gestured for you to do the same. Hesitantly, you held his hand again to climb on.

Using the excuse of maintaining balance, he urged you to hold on tightly. You weren’t left with an option when he sped up, prompting you to instinctively hug his waist. You didn’t have to see his face to know that he was smiling like a fool.

At last, you finally arrived at the village. Fascinated at the change in environment, you looked like a child surrounded by toys. Chuckling, Juyeon admired the view in front of him. In his eyes, you were prettier than any flower and sweeter than any candy. Feeling his gaze on you, you cleared your throat and began walking.

There was so much to look at. He caught you staring at the rows of yeot and purchased the confectionery without you asking. You immediately popped one into your mouth and he laughed when your cheeks expanded to resemble a squirrel.

“Are you teasing me?” you frowned.

“No, I am appreciating your adorable and lovely appearance,” he answered as he handed you the bag holding the rest of the yeot. His words didn’t fluster you. You simply rolled your eyes and resumed walking.

His long legs were quick to catch up with you. Enjoying your presence, he watched as you fawned over little trinkets. It was a new side of you that he had never seen.

Stopping at an accessory shop, you scanned the norigaes displayed on the table. One of them caught your eye and you held it up for a closer look. It was a beautiful pale pink color that perfectly matched your current hanbok.

“It seems a norigae is better at capturing your heart than I am,” Juyeon pouted.

“Perhaps it is prettier than you,” you shrugged.

“Is this an implication that I am pretty? To a certain extent?” he beamed.

“How do my words become that?” you exclaimed.

With another laugh, he took the accessory from your grasp and went to pay for it. You blinked at the sudden sight of his back, noticing for the first time how broad his shoulders were. When he came back to your side, he held the norigae in front of you but pulled it back when you reached out for it. He pointed at the bag of yeot and opened his mouth. Baffled, you turned around to walk away.

He caught your wrist and spun you back around. He bent down and your face stopped an inch away from his. His usual shy self was gone and he had a confident smirk on his lips.

“Does your heart not sway even at a close distance like this?” he asked. This time, he caught you off guard. When you finally came back to your senses, you hurriedly shoved a piece of yeot into his mouth and stormed off.

“Y/n, you make me laugh too hard and too much!” you heard his voice call out, making you blush crimson with embarrassment.

With your upcoming wedding looming over your head, it became increasingly difficult to communicate with the ministers. There were too many eyes to be wary of. Juyeon, of course, was one of them.

As you spent more time with him, you realized how sentimental he was. He brought you small, meaningful gifts and loved to tell you about the meanings behind each flower.

“Did you know that the plum blossom is one of the indications of spring's arrival?” he asked one day. “They can bloom as early as late March.”

“I think it is quite obvious that it is spring,” you commented, pointing at the variety of flowers surrounding you.

“My personal favorite flower is the rose of sharon,” he continued. “It is nicknamed the “immortal flower” and means “eternal blossom that never fades” because of its resilience. It regrows despite harsh conditions and even after it is damaged. Amazing, isn’t it?”

You hummed, looking for the flower he was talking about.

“I used to hope that our kingdom would take after the flower. We have survived through many tragedies and I hope that we will survive through anything else that tries to beat us down,” his words pricked you for some reason. Would your rebellion be seen as a tragedy or as a heroic deed?

“Now, I like to think that our love will be like the rose of sharon. My love for you will never fade and I will continue to pine after you despite your harsh words. Even if you hurt me, my feelings will transcend time,” he smiled. “The flower does not bloom until July. My wish is to go see them with you. Would you bless me with your presence when the time comes?”

You observed his lovestruck expression and couldn’t bring yourself to say no. Again, you were at a loss trying to understand why he was so besotted with you. His childlike innocence was almost pure to a fault in a place like the palace.

“I shall consider it if you teach me how to swing a sword,” you proposed.

He couldn’t hide both his shock and happiness. He was confused as to why you wanted to ever hold a weapon but glad that you were slowly opening up to him. Without a second thought, he agreed to your proposition.

Juyeon was full of bliss at the thought of spending more time with you. Teaching you swordsmanship would allow him to be intimate with you and he was thrilled. At your first secret lesson, his heart raced at your proximity as he guided your hands on how to properly wield the blade.

A week passed by and you quickly improved each day. Eventually, you became skilled enough to land a fake jab. Seeing your proud smile, he grinned as well.

“I guess I should be on edge now. If I annoy my princess one too many times, my life will literally be at your hands,” he joked.

“Do you regret training me?” you smirked.

“Ah, was this all a part of your plan?” he pretended to gasp. “Either to kill me off or to threaten me to obedience?”

Not finding his joke funny, you blankly stared at him. Noticing the sudden chill in the atmosphere, he awkwardly laughed.

“Do not worry, Your Highness. I will always do as you say. You do not need a sword to make me behave.” he smiled.

You hated to admit it but he had grown on you. His constant attempts to tear down your wall had finally made a crack. You had to stop before he became your weakness.

For the first time in a while, you were summoned to the king’s chamber. Expecting another reprimand, you dreaded the walk there. To your surprise, however, you were greeted with a smile he hadn’t given you in years. It kind of freaked you out.

“You called for me, Your Majesty?” you bowed.

“I hear you have been getting along wonderfully with the Chief State Councillor’s son. Finally, you are fulfilling your duty as this kingdom’s princess,” he commended.

What a back-handed compliment. You wanted to roll your eyes at his passive aggressiveness. Holding back your urges, you politely smiled instead.

“I just wanted to let you know that I will be in a hurry to complete your wedding. I need the Chief State Councillor’s support to find a suitable wife for the crown prince,” he announced.

“Is my marriage merely a way for the crown prince to find a wife with a powerful family?” you shot back.

Your question turned the mood scarily sour. You felt his anger rise as he chastised you for your impudence and disrespect.

“The crown prince is the future leader of our kingdom. He is more than deserving of the immense care, thought, and effort that goes into picking his consort. His consort will be this kingdom’s queen and will be the one to bear the next king. You are nothing but a useless girl who will belong to a different family.”

“I am still a member of the royal family, am I not?”

“You are just a good-for-nothing girl that will leave this palace soon,” he spat. “Now leave. You are dismissed.”

On your way out, you ran into the crown prince who looked at you in a way you found to be offensive. You paused your steps and turned around.

“I wish you fertility, Crown Prince. After all, the kingdom relies on your performance to produce an heir to the throne,” you said, lacing your words with venom. “I would imagine you would hate having to adopt a nephew.”

You could tell you had gotten under his skin yet again and left satisfied. You loathed and condemned your family with a burning passion. You couldn’t wait for the day it would all come to a bitter end.

While you were brooding, you didn’t notice Juyeon sneaking up on you. When you finally saw him, you nearly jumped. Your hand reached out to cover your heart, trying to calm it down. Sheepishly, he apologized for startling you.

Trying to keep you from walking away from him, he held onto the hem of your sleeve. Your heart softened at the gentle manner he treated you with. Ignoring your instincts, you let him cling onto you. Instead of making you turn around to face him, he walked in front of you.

“Will you accompany me to the garden today as well?” he asked earnestly.

Knowing that the court ladies were watching, you reluctantly accepted his invitation once again. This time, he surprised you with a bag filled with yeot. He looked so proud of himself for remembering your love for the sweet treat that it made you laugh. As a reward, he grabbed a piece for himself. Unaware of the smudge it left on the corner of his lips, he was conscious of your gaze and tried to look attractive.

“Worry not, Your Highness. You will get to look at this face every day and every night once we marry,” he assured.

Despite his wise exterior, he had a goofy side to him. He was pure and innocent—everything you weren’t. You could see why the king favored him so much.

“I do not understand why you are so eager to become my consort,” you suddenly blurted. “You know that it is just a flashy title that does not award you with much privileges. It is an empty position; you cannot hold office without a special order from the king. Do you simply see yourself as a stepping stone for your father to bring honor to your family?”

“Is my love for you an acceptable response?” he asked after some thought.

“Is it truly worth your dangerous status as the princess’s husband and king’s son-in-law? The royal family has many enemies,” you warned.

“I will be the one to protect you from such enemies,” he declared.

Was he naive or has his affection for you blinded him?

“Princess Y/n,” he said solemnly as he held your hand. “I promise to love and protect you for as long as my heart beats. No, even after it ceases to beat, I will still yearn for you. I will not demand or expect you to do the same. Even if your feelings for me are not as strong as my feelings for you, I will not blame you. But will you please give me the chance to try to win you over?”

His confession triggered an alarm in your head. He was never supposed to fall for you this hard and you were never supposed to allow him to. He had no idea how cunning and conniving you really were. Only the people in the palace knew how cold-hearted you could be. You had to be in order to survive.

You refused to give him a reply and pulled your hand away. His face fell but he forced himself to smile again. In an attempt to break the tension, he made a random comment on the weather.

After you two parted, you decided to speed things up to initiate the revolt. Once you joined hands in marriage, Juyeon would inevitably end up a target as well. If you wanted to spare him, you needed to overthrow the corrupted royal family before he became a part of it.

It was officially the day before the insurrection. To be honest, you weren’t really nervous. This was what you had been anticipating your entire life.

Yet why did you have a moment of weakness when you saw Juyeon that afternoon? He approached you with that boyish smile that did wonders to your normally rational mind. Feeling what you believed was pity, you wanted to leave him with a pleasant memory.

So you ended up convincing him to sneak you out of the palace again. This time, you were a lot more enthusiastic. You wanted to try all the pastries and insisted that he taste them too.

“You seemed to have a lot on your mind these days,” he carefully pointed out. “Has the problem that has been bothering you been resolved now?”

“It will soon,” you eluded.

You stared at the man in front of you, observing his features. He was, without a doubt, good looking. You could see why all the court ladies, palace maids, and girls of the village were so smitten with him. But you still didn’t get why he chose you to fawn over. Maybe it was because of the lack of affection you grew up with but something about having someone care for you was unsettling.

You had suitors court you before but none of them were as devoted as Juyeon. He always came off as genuine. Perhaps his sincerity was what made you lower your guard.

“I promise to lavish you with such outings if that is what makes you happy,” he proclaimed, almost making you laugh.

“Why do you make so many vows?” you inquired.

“I am a man who keeps his word and you are the only one I give it to,” he grinned. You wondered how happy he had to be to smile so often. You rarely had reasons to be smiling.

He glanced down at the table and examined the rows of binyeos. Holding one up, he held the hair pin against your hair.

“May I gift you this binyeo?” he asked.

You pursed your lips, feeling just a tad bit of guilt. You were used to being showered with extravagance but with Juyeon, it was different. There was an emotional value attached to each present.

“Only if you promise me one other thing,” you negotiated.

“Of course. I will do anything you ask of me,” he responded.

“Promise me that you will not visit the palace tomorrow,” you said sternly. He looked at you with curiosity.

“Tomorrow is… a day of mourning for me. I do not wish to see you until the day after,” you lied.

“This is the first time you have expressed your desire to see me,” he lit up at your last sentence. “I will prepare a magnificent date for when I see you over-morrow.”

You almost felt sorry for his naiveté. And you almost—just almost—felt sorry for deceiving him.

The fateful day arrived at last. You stood, taking one last glimpse at your reflection. Subconsciously, your hand reached out to touch the binyeo in your hair.

The roars of the royal guards and the clanks of combat rumbled throughout the palace. With a determined look, you left your chamber. The sword in your clenched fist dragged across the ground as you made your way to the throne hall.

When you finally busted through the door, the king sat as if he had been waiting for you.

“I should have known that this was your doing,” he scowled. “Was your luxurious life as a princess not enough for you? Could you not fight the temptation of avarice?”

“Nothing about my life was ever comfortable,” you corrected. “I always had to play along to match your mood in order to avoid being married off to an old man just out of your spite. You tried to drill your toxic mentality in me because my individuality terrified you. You made it a point to constantly tear me down. So I made it a point to see your demise.”

“You have always been this sly ever since you were a little girl. I knew I would regret your birth the moment I saw your eyes. And I was right. You are nothing but a vile bitch.”

“For the longest time, I thought I was deserving of your hatred. But I came to the realization that you simply belittled me just for being a girl. Do not forget, Your Majesty, that the womb inside me is the same as the one that bore you the crown prince.”

Mockingly, you approached the throne. It was incredible how that one seat gave its owner immense power.

“Speaking of which, why is it that only men carry on the family name?” you questioned. “Do you not realize that women are the ones who carry on the precious bloodline you always speak of? It is the body of women that conceive and grow another human inside them. It is the body of women that suffer through labor to deliver you children and nurture them to good health. The only thing you do is spread your seeds like a fruit. And then blame women for your own infertility.”

“All throughout history, it has been men who carried on the royal bloodline. What makes you think that you are worthy of special treatment?”

“Bloodline, bloodline, bloodline,” you rolled your eyes in irritation. “Do not fool yourself. It is not blood you care about but name. Men may carry on the nameline but we are the ones who give you the royal blood pumping in your veins.”

You sloppily lifted the sword to the king’s neck, smirking.

“I knew you would be the one to bring my downfall,” he glared.

“Well, how does it feel to have all your fears come true, my king?” you taunted. “You were always afraid that I would either surpass you or ruin you. Now, I will be the one to end this damned bloodline. This good-for-nothing girl will take back the royal blood that was given to you by a woman.”

With that, you slashed his neck. Blood splattered across the wall and on your face. You grimaced, wiping away the warm liquid. You were surprisingly calm in front of such a gruesome sight. That was, until Juyeon came bursting through the door.

After he had parted from you the day before, he could not get you out of his mind. Something about your eyes had been melancholic. Your words sounded like a foreshadow and it left him feeling disturbed. So he broke his promise and went to the palace to see you again. He was alarmed to see the chaos ensuing and immediately searched for you. However, he never expected the situation he stumbled into.

“P-Princess Y/n,” he stuttered, making you aim the weapon at yourself. You never intended or wanted him to witness this.

“Do not come any closer,” you warned.

“Your Highness, please. Put the sword down,” he begged.

“I cannot,” you gulped. “This is how it must end.”

“We-we can run away. Together. We can leave everything behind and I will keep you safe,” he said as he tried his best to stay calm.

You wanted to both laugh and cry. Your life was a suicidal mission. You knew from the beginning that you would not be able to survive. If you failed, you would be executed for treason. If you succeeded, you would be executed to officially end the royal bloodline.

You had to admit, you slightly wavered at one point. Juyeon’s promise to make you happy was enticing. To someone who never strayed close to emotions before, he was like a miracle. He made you feel all sorts of things that you were glad to have experienced.

“I apologize, Lord Lee,” you sadly smiled before you stabbed the blade into your stomach.

“No!” he screamed as he ran to your side.

You slowly fell to the ground with Juyeon’s arms wrapped around your body. His hands shook above the wound as he cried, knowing that he couldn’t take it out without ensuring your death. He never thought that what he taught you would be used against yourself. If he had known that this was what you planned on using your skills for, he never would have taken your offer.

“I am afraid I will not be able to go see the rose of sharons with you,” you said as a tear escaped your eyes.

Your vision began to cloud and you felt the life in you leave with every breath you took. You didn’t even realize that your hand was gripping his clothes, crinkling it. Another tear rolled down your cheek as your head fell back, your neck unable to support it any longer.

He desperately clung onto you, holding your head in his bloodied hands.

“I will bring the flowers to you,” he affirmed.

“Another promise,” you chuckled.

“This one I will be sure to keep,” he stated as his own tears fell to your face.

Next to the weapon embedded in you was the norigae he bought you the first time you escaped the palace together. He looked up to see that you were wearing the binyeo he bought you as well. He sobbed, holding onto you tighter.

“I hope to be reborn as a rose of sharon. That way, I can come see you every spring,” you whispered before you closed your eyes for the last time.

tag list: @dearseungie @cuppasunu @reverienostalgia @elcie-chxn @parfaitz @lovelyutas @mochinyu @leejaeyeons

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justferritalez · 3 years

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Don't dim your light babygirl

Don't dim your light babygirl - Chloe Bailey

It's funny how the universe communicates. We are so conditioned to not pay attention. The messages are not always loud, but no less powerful. When we open ourselves to them the world begins to look like a very different place.

I have dimmed my light for more years than I would like to admit. I thought deep down I didn't deserve to be happy. I tried to fight my way through, but when I felt happiness near I would always turn away. I thought if I smiled and laughed one day it would reach the part of my heart that refused to receive love. I saw how much others hurt, I felt it in my own body. How could I allow myself to feel joy when so many people I loved are in pain?

I see so many children in my immediate and extended family in pain. I see their parents in pain. I see that horrible red thread of trauma weaving its way through each generation. Just like the elephant in the room, everyone pretends it's not there. Each generation learns to lash out in a different way, too afraid that on the other side is more pain instead of healing. We learn to dull the pain like a Tylenol with money, cars, clothes, and pretty pictures on Instagram or Facebook. Trying to convince ourselves and the world that we aren't miserable. Some of us are even so afraid that acknowledging our own thoughts is akin to torture.

At the beginning of lockdown in 2020, I thought I would thrive since I'm an introvert. By 2021 I learned that my assumptions of what it meant to thrive was arbitrary. I thought I would finally learn to play the guitar, piano, and finish a considerable amount of books waiting to be read on my bookshelves. Instead I was forced to dive deep into my relationship with religion, with societal expectations, and most importantly my own relationship with myself. The latter of which was most important.

I've always felt a call to something growing up. What it was I didn't know. I always tried to put it into words. I tried to put it into a career or something more tangible for my own human mind to digest. As I grew older, in my own mind I failed to accomplish what I had desired. I became gripped by fear with each year that passed. 30 was the year I told myself I would stop dreaming. I would buckle down. I would work towards the American Dream people always talk about. I'd get a good job, get married, buy a house, and have kids.

Before my 28th birthday came I was so excited for the upcoming year despite 30 looming near. I had a list of places I planned to go and things to do for my special day. Before I knew 28 had arrived. When I got all dressed up I couldn't shake this ominous feeling. Except for the sheer black top I wore I was dressed in all black, as if I was attending a funeral. Something wasn't right and I couldn't figure out what it was then. I may have made it to one or two places before I decided to return home. I was so sad, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I could barely look back at the pictures.

Before 30 came I did manage to accomplish the first two goals of the American Dream. I honored my self-imposed advice and hung up my silly dreams at 30. It was hard but I did what I thought was best to redirect my energy. To this day I always remember a conversation my cousin had with my mom years ago. One that broke my heart. I never forgot how it made me feel. She told my mom she was too old to dream. She was too old to accomplish the things she wanted to. She's 30 years my senior but I still believe if she wanted she could do anything she put her mind to. Yet here I was remembering that feeling and falling into the same mindset.

Since my teens I had always wanted to visit Japan. Especially after my dad passed away when I was 16. Ironically j-pop(and shortly after k-pop) was something that offered me a lifeline during my grief. I had plans to study abroad, but my grief and fear of losing my mother held me back. When 30 came after I had given up on my dreams, this dream unexpectedly came forward. My husband and I planned to celebrate our honeymoon/1st anniversary in Japan. It was amazing! I felt so free and so at home at the same time. We talked about moving there years before, but that's all it ever was. Now that we were there, we knew it really was a possibility. Unfortunately at the end of our trip tragedy struck. Just like it struck us after we got married. And once again just like the day I turned 30 another dream had to be swept away.

I tried my best to convince myself this is just the way the cookie crumbles. Maybe this isn't the life I wanted exactly. So many people would be happy to have this life. I would convince myself to keep my head down and appreciate it. In hindsight I think back and acknowledge you can appreciate something, and still acknowledge that it isn't right for you. What good is a $200 shirt if it doesn't fit?

There were two prominent questions that kept coming up during lockdown. Who are you? What do you want? So simple but terrifying for me to answer. In trying to answer them I realize I never truly asked myself this. No wait I did, but I didn't listen. I didn't listen to the one person who was driving this ship. I listened to the opinions of others. Surely those who have spent more time on earth than me knew what they were talking about. Then I realized they didn't. They were doing the same thing that I had done. They too ignored what they wanted, instead aspiring for the lives their family, friends, and acquaintances told them would make them happy.

For years I always felt these weird emotions in my body. Emotions that were not my own. I could be perfectly fine and walk into a room and feel overwhelmed. I Couldn't figure out why. The room was just filled with people. Why did I care what they thought of me? We all have our own lives to live, right? I begin to realize while acknowledging my own inauthenticity to myself, how so many other people were struggling with the same issue. They couldn't understand why they had the house, the car, the job, the children, and the spouse yet they were still so unhappy.

The truth is happiness cannot be found externally. It can only be found within you. The more you put all your balls in one basket thinking it will make you happy, the more you will be disappointed. If you can't stand the one person who will be with you every moment of your life you will never be happy.

I've always wanted to have kids. I was probably more excited to get married because I couldn't wait to be a mom. For some strange reason after I got married I became afraid to get pregnant. I originally thought it was because my Grammy was sick. After she passed I still couldn't shake that fear. I thought maybe I was just being overly cautious. People with less have had children and thrived in many cases. I was constantly being told that "You can never prepare for children." Still I couldn't shake the fear.

I had two amazing parents growing up. We weren't rich, but they provided for me the best they could. They did a great job, and I'll admit that I was spoiled. I took a look at the traumas I've experienced throughout my life. I looked at the things that triggered me the most. It was myself, it was a younger version of myself. My inner child as some call it. Although I had great parents, outside of them I still was inflicted with trauma even they couldn't prevent. The person that hurt me, and the people who I've seen mistreat children, have a tendency to neglect themselves and their trauma and tend to be obsessed with how things look instead of how they are. I did not want to be that type of person. Realizing that, I became passionate about trying to heal my own trauma, in hope to prevent my own children from inheriting this mindset.

Here is where my story truly begins. It began when I began to acknowledge myself. When I recognized myself, I put my happiness in moving to California, in my husband, in the image of my life. I put my happiness in everything but myself. I still have work to do, but I believe that I am worth it. Every moment I choose myself, I grow and heal my wounded self.

I've begun to release past hurt and trauma that I've experienced. I'm learning that just because people who loved me hurt me in the past, doesn't mean everyone will hurt me. I'm learning to forgive myself for being angry for so long. I'm acknowledging I had every right to be angry, but staying angry was no benefit to me. I'm learning I deserve to say no if I don't want to do something, and I'm not obligated to make anyone happy except myself. People's feelings may be hurt, but I didn't ask them to count on me to make them happy. I'm happy to help others, but I will no longer pour every bit of what is in my cup into another's.

During lockdown my wardrobe got much darker. I wore black almost every day. Although black is an amazing and powerful color, it symbolically felt as if I was mourning myself. I was mourning the part of me that didn't know her worth. I let myself be her for a time, and now I release her. I will gladly put her to rest. I've decided that I won't dim my light for anyone anymore. I won't even dim my light for myself. I will get to a place where I am confidently and unapologetically me. I will shine like the rays of the sun on a hot summer day without a cloud in sight. Just like the world needs the sun, the world needs us all to shine just as bright.

#whoever needs it #be encouraged

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ravenpaw-93 · 3 years

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2020 has been awful for so many people for so many reasons. I'm proud of anyone reading this for making it through.

I had a "good" 2020 relatively speaking. My job wasn't affected much as we just moved to work from home. It has been a challenge working while my kiddo is home, and it has been infinitely harder on her than on me, as she is missing her friends and classmates a lot. But my performance at work has been good, I've received three awards from my VP and my immediate supervisor has plans for me to gain more leadership skills in 2021 to help me pursue a management position.

I finally got up the courage to shave my hair off and had my first experience with gender euphoria, and also accepted myself as nonbinary and have come out to a few people close to me 🖤

But what I'm most proud of myself for is the progress I've made with my mental health. This time a year ago I wished I didn't exist. I fluctuated between two extremes of completely overwhelmed with anxiety & fear and completely numb. I was dissociating a lot. I was sleeping an hour or two at night at best and could barely eat bc of the anxiety and exhaustion. I didn't take care of myself the way I needed to. My house was constantly a cluttered mess, my hair was always in a bun bc I didn't have the energy to deal with it if I did manage to wash it. I never did my makeup which was something I always enjoyed, not for appearance sake, but because it received stress and was something fun. I didn't really do anything that I enjoyed. I just sat around in my head all the time. But I'm so much better now. My house isn't super tidy all the time, but it doesn't take much to get it there. I dont have to force myself to shower, I actually look forward to it. I've gotten back into writing. I do my makeup now whenever the mood strikes me. I've even started taking selfies again and I feel so much more confident in myself than I have in a long time.

There were times this year where everything felt absolutely unbearable and I didn't know how long I would be able to last feeling like that. But I did it. I still have high anxiety days and triggers for my PTSD. But I'm so much better at coping with those things now. I'm better at grounding myself when I start to dissociate or when I can feel myself starting to panic. I'm managing my ADHD better again, to where I don't feel like I'm struggling just to function or accomplish anything. I've started journaling so my head doesn't get too overran with thoughts. I've also gotten better at respecting and enforcing my own boundaries and communicating my needs and emotions. I've stopped putting myself last, and I'm proud of myself for that.

Part of me feels guilty and a little boastful because I know this year brought unspeakable tragedy upon so many people. I know this year was detrimental to so many people's mental and physical health. I am not an optimistic person, but I hope that 2021 brings you time to heal. I am under no delusion that everything will suddenly be fixed tomorrow or next month after the inauguration. But no matter how hard it gets and how exhausted we are, we have to keep pushing, keep fighting, and keep healing.

Happy New Year everyone, maybe in 2021 I'll post more of the content you actually followed me for 😂

#happy new year #new years eve post

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spacecrone · 4 years

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Sorry, Cassandra.

So, it's definite then

It's written in the stars, darlings

Everything must come to an end - Susanne Sundfør

I first learned about the climate crisis in 2008, as an undergrad at Hunter College, in a class called The History and Science of Climate Change. For the next decade I would struggle with how to process and act on the scientific paradigm shift climate change required: that human activity could disrupt the climate system and create a planetary ecosystem shift making Earth uninhabitable to human life. I became a climate justice activist and attempted to work directly on The Problem which was actually, as philosopher Timothy Morton writes, a hyperobject, something so systemic and enormous in size and scope as to be almost unintelligible to human awareness. I’ve cycled through probably every single response a person could have to this knowledge, despair, ecstasy, rage, hope. I’ve landed somewhere close to what I might call engaged bewilderment. For me, his particular locale has a soundtrack, and it’s Susanne Sundfør’s cinematic dance dystopia Ten Love Songs, an album that tells a story of love and loss in the Anthropocene. Sundfør is a sonic death doula for the Neoliberal project, with a uniquely Scandinavian version of bleak optimism. To truly grapple with this time of escalating transition, we need to really face what is, not what we hope or fear will be, but what is actually happening. A throbbing beat with shimmering synths around which to orient your dancing mortal envelope can’t hurt.

Susanne Sundfør’s Ten Love Songs was released a few days after Valentine’s Day in February of 2015, six months after I had been organizing Buddhists and meditators for the Peoples Climate March. I was already a fan, having first heard her voice as part of her collaboration with dreamy synth-pop outfit m83 on the Oblivion soundtrack. Oblivion was visually striking but felt like a long music video. The soaring synths and Sundfør’s powerful voice drove the plot more than the acting, though I loved how Andrea Riseborough played the tragic character Vika, whose story could have been more central to the plot but was sidelined for a traditional Tom Cruise romantic centerpiece. But since the movie was almost proud of its style over investment in substance, the music stood out. The soundscapes were as expansive as the green-screened vistas of 2077 in the movie. It was just nostalgic enough while also feeling totally new, a paradox encapsulated in the name of m83’s similarly wistful and sweeping Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming. I am not exempt from taking comfort in style that signifies a previous era, and I am also not alone in it. It’s a huge industry, and while the MAGA-style yearning for a previous era is one manifestation, maybe there are ways to acknowledge culture as cyclical in a way that doesn’t sacrifice traditional knowledge to some imagined myth of perpetual progress.

When Ten Love Songs came out the following year, I listened to it on repeat for days. Sundfør seemed to have absorbed the music-driven sci-fi into a concept album, with m83 providing her with a whole new panopoly of sounds at her disposal. Like Oblivion, Ten Love Songs told the story of a future dystopia with high speed chases, nihilistic pleasure-seeking and operatic decadence against a backdrop of technocratic inequality. It mixed electro-pop with chamber music and I listened to it on a Greyhound ride to Atlantic City in the middle of snowy February. I hadn’t felt like this since high school, that a full album was a sort of soundtrack to my own life, which I could experience as cinematic in some way while the music was playing. This situated me in my own story, of studying climate change as an undergrad and graduating into a financial collapse, working as a personal assistant to an author writing about ecological collapse and ritual use of psychedelics, to joining a Buddhist community and organizing spiritual activists around climate justice.

Ten Love Songs is a breakup album, with lyrics telling of endings and running out of time. But it didn’t read to me as an album about a single human romantic relationship coming to an end. It felt like a series of vignettes about the planet and its ecosphere breaking up with us, all of us. People. Some songs like Accelerate, one of the album’s singles, throb in an anthem to nihilistic numbness and speeding up into a catastrophe that feels inevitable. Fade Away is a bit lighter, tonally and lyrically, (and if you listen, please note the exquisitely perfect placement of what sounds like a toaster “ding!”), but is still about fading away, falling apart. The way the songs seem to drive a narrative of anthropocenic collapse built on science fiction film scores, the combination of orchestra and techno-pop, absolutely draws on Sundfør’s experience collaborating with m83 for the Oblivion soundtrack, which itself combined Anthony Gonzalez’s love for the adult-scripted teen dramas of his own 80’s adolescence. In Ten Love Songs, Sundfør takes what she learned from this collaboration and scores not a movie but a life experience of living through ecological collapse and all of the heartbreak and desire that erupts in a time when everything seems so close to the knife’s edge.

I am reminded of another Scandinavian dance album that was extremely danceable yet harbored within it a sense of foreboding. The Visitors, ABBA’s eighth studio album, was considered their venture into more mature and complex music. The two couples who comprised the band had divorced the year before it was released, and the entire atmosphere of the album is paranoid, gloomy, and tense. The cover shows the four musicians, on opposite sides of a dark room, ignoring each other. Each song is melancholy and strange in its own way, unique for a pop ensemble like Abba. One song in particular showcases their ability to use an archetype of narrative tragedy and prophesy to tell the story of regret. Cassandra is sung from the perspective of those who didn’t heed the woman cursed by Zeus to foretell the future but never be believed.

I have always considered myself a pretty big Abba fan, something my high school choir instructor thought was riotously funny. I was born in the 80’s and nobody in my family liked disco, so I seemed like something of an anachronism. But pop music, especially synth-oriented pop, has always felt like a brain massage to me. It could get my inner motor moving when I felt utterly collapsed in resignation to the scary chaos of my early life. But I only discovered the song Cassandra in 2017, while giving The Visitors a full listen. It felt like I had never heard the song before, though, as a fan I must have. But something about 2015 made the song stand out more. It starts with piano, soft tambourine, and the ambient sound of a harbor. It has a coastal Mediterranean vibe, as some Abba songs do, foreshadowing Cassandra’s removal from her home city, an event she foretold but could not get anyone to believe. It’s a farewell song of regret, echoing the regret the members of Abba felt about their own breakups.

We feel so full of promise at the dawn of a new relationship. Only after the split can we look back and say we saw the fissures in the bond. The signs were there. Why did we ignore them? This happens on an individual level but the Cassandra paradox is an archetype that climate scientists and journalists are very familiar with. This particular Abba song, and the Visitors album overall, uses this archetype to tell the story of a breakup in retrospect. With climate change, the warnings have been there, even before science discovered the rising carbon in the atmosphere. Indigenous peoples have been warning of ecological collapse since colonization began. Because of white supremacy and an unwavering belief in “progress,” perpetual economic and technological development and growth, warnings from any source but especially marginalized sources have been noise to those who benefit from that perpetual growth model and from white supremacy itself. Is there a way to undo the Cassandra curse and render warnings signal BEFORE some major event turns us all into the chorus from Abba’s song, singing “some of us wanted- but none of us could-- listen to words of warning?” Composer Pauline Oliveros called listening a radical act. It is especially so when we listen actively to the sounds and signals of those we would otherwise overlook.

When I look back at my life in the time that Sundfør’s Ten Love Songs and m83’s movie music seems nostalgic for, the late 1980’s in New Jersey, I was a child with deeply dissociative and escapist tendencies, which helped me survive unresolved grief, loss, and chaos. I recognize my love for Abba’s hypnotic synth music as a surrendering to the precise and driving rhythm of an all-encompassing sound experience. I also see how my early life prepared me to be sensitized to the story climate science was telling when I finally discovered it in 2008. I had already grown up with Save the Whales assemblies and poster-making contests, with a heavy emphasis on cutting six-pack rings so that sea life would not be strangled to death. I knew what it was like to see something terrible happening all around you and to feel powerless to stop it, because of the way my parents seemed incapable of and unsupported in their acting out their own traumatic dysregulation. Wounds, unable to heal, sucking other people into the abyss. I escaped through reading science fiction, listening to music like Abba and Aphex Twin loud enough to rattle my bones. I wanted to overwhelm my own dysregulated nervous system. I dreamed of solitude on other planets, sweeping grey vistas, being the protagonist of my own story where nothing ever hurt because ice ran through my veins and the fjords around me. My home planet was dying, and nobody could hear those of us screaming into the wind about it.

Ten Love Songs woke up that lost cosmic child who had banished herself to another solar system. Songs of decadence, songs of endings, songs of loss. Though that album was not overtly about climate change, Sundfør did talk about ecological collapse in interviews for her radically different follow-up album Music For People In Trouble. After the success of Ten Love Songs, Sundfør chose to travel to places that she said “might not be around much longer” in order to chronicle the loss of the biosphere for her new album. It is more expressly and urgently about the current global political moment, but the seeds for those themes were present and in my opinion much more potent in the poppier album. But maybe that’s the escapist in me.

The old forms that brought us to this point are in need of end-of-life care. Capitalism, white supremacy, patriarchal theocratic nationalism, neoliberalism, they all need death doulas. Escapism makes sense in response to traumatic stimulus, and for many of us it may have helped us survive difficult circumstances. But if we are to face what it means to be alive on this planet at this moment, we might be here to be present to and help facilitate and ease the process of putting these systems to rest. And maybe this work is not at odds with a dance party. The ability to be visionary about shared alternatives to these dying systems is not inherently escapist, when we are willing to take the steps together to live into those new stories. What would happen if cursed Cassandras, instead of pleading with existing power structures to heed warnings that sound like noise to them, turned to each other to restore the civic body through listening, through bearing witness to each others unacknowledged and thwarted grief over losses unacknowledged by those same systems of coercive power?

Engaged bewilderment means my version of hope, informed by Rebecca Solnit’s work on the topic, comes from the acceptance that things will happen that I could never have imagined possible. Climate change is happening and there are certain scientific certainties built into that trajectory. Some of it is written in the stars. But as with any dynamic system change, we do not know exactly how it will all shake out. These unknowns can be sources of fear and despair, but there is also the possibility for agency, choice and experimentation. The trajectory of my individual life was always going to end in death. Does that make it a failure? Or does it render each choice and engagement of movement towards the unknown an ecstatic act? As the old forms collapse, no need to apologize to the oracles. At this point they are dancing, and hope you’ll join.

#susanne sundfør #abba #anthropocene #hope #climate crisis #climate change #ecological collapse #scandinavian music #dystopia #utopia

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h-sleepingirl · 4 years

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EEEHU + Scenes From A Hypnotic Skype Call 3/29/20

This is a writing about my weekend. This is a writing about EEEHU, and a writing about a Skype date. They are very different in tone, but inevitably interconnected. This is a writing I debated on doing -- on how to express it, and whether or not I should share it.This is a writing that starts very hard, but gets easier.

I was a part of two classes on Saturday. I thought that would be easy; I had been kicking myself for not submitting more and was very close to deciding to put on an unconference class.

It was not easy.

I didn't sleep well that night, and haven't been sleeping well in general. Since shifting my work, I felt like my sleep should be pretty stable, since I work on my own schedule now. But I've been staying up late and waking up early. It's a bad pattern, and it was the second day in a 5hr sleep cycle.

I was already drained, and I had a lot to juggle to get everything running smoothly Saturday morning. It was taxing and I was exhausted. I was snapping at stupid things, uncharacteristically. I kept saying, with forced glee, "It's just like a real con! I'm sleep deprived and stressed!"

But once we got started, the first class with MrDream went well, and I enjoyed it. The audience was incredibly generous towards both him and me. I was so pleased at how many people were getting information and how many people said that they loved my trance face, although I had to force down a little bit of juvenile bitterness that we couldn’t just monopolize the class with play and go as hard as we usually do. There were 140ish people in the class -- a lot. We did Q&A to wrap up, and then I had to run to do tech testing for the podcast.

What I couldn’t do was give MrDream a hug after the class. What I couldn’t do was walk down the hotel hallway to see him and decompress. What I couldn’t do was hang around and chat with attendees in the lobby and in the con spaces.

I felt that immensely, stinging, but I had to push it down, because I had more to do.

The podcast, despite some inevitable technical issues, went well enough. By that point, I was feeling incredibly drained, and hadn’t been able to eat more than some yogurt for the majority of the day because of feeling crappy from not sleeping. It went for 2 hours -- very long, and we had no breaks. I was on autopilot. I had a good time, but felt almost dissociated, far away from myself.

I turned off the meeting, and I was suddenly in my bed, alone, just with cc, waiting for the audio to save.

I could not go see MrDream. I could not go see my friends. I could not get a hug. I could not text someone to ask where the party was and then stay up until 4am doing hypnosis and talking bullshit.

I started crying -- not weeping, not choking out tears, but wailing, hard crying.

It was the build-up of nearly a month of not processing that life, right now, is different. I cannot see my loved ones. I cannot see my community. EEEHU was a monstrous effort by its organizers which I applaud, and am so dearly happy that so many people enjoyed it, but for me, it was a harsh reminder that it was not a con in the way that I needed, and that I will not get that in the foreseeable future.

And I can’t see MrDream.

Our 2-year dating anniversary was just over a week ago. We would have had a date, riled up from not seeing each other for a month, meeting near the vernal equinox, the change of seasons having become important to us. And then we would have seen each other at NEEHU, a week later.

Now I don’t know when I will see him again.

After keeping that fact so distant from myself, taking one day at a time, I was slapped in the face by it.

I cried. I cried so hard. I have not cried like that in months, maybe a year. It was the rawness of isolation, the feeling of tragedy, of separation.

After a few minutes of it, I stopped, because I didn’t want to dig myself into a hole I couldn’t get out of. I saw myself in a mirror, and saw the mascara running in streaks down my face -- an effect I’ve tried hard to achieve for kink and in scenes for my partners who enjoy tears.

I took out my phone and snapped a picture -- the picture I take for MrDream every day of myself when I feel particularly brainwashed. If this wasn’t such a clear sign of how brainwashed, how dependent, how addicted, how in love I am, then I don’t know what is.

He responded well.

I went to bed early, feeling like I had immensely screwed up in everything the entire day. Again I had trouble sleeping, but I was comforted by the knowledge that I would talk to MrDream on Skype, and woke up feeling still drained, but less raw.

Our call was, of course, what I needed.

It was not the kind of call where we dove headfirst into trance. We spent time decompressing and talking, the sort of relaxed conversation I’ve missed so much since not having long time together.

But when he shifted his tone, when I saw his eyes change so subtly, I felt it all, and I felt everything melt away, helpless to it.

This trance is so overwhelming, the lowness of his voice, the feather-light touch of it makes me feel as though this is so much more powerful than aggression, as though I am a fluid which yields so much more softly when given the most gentle pressure, and how weak I feel to that.

He talks about how I can feel myself melting into him and suddenly I feel it, I feel the way his body feels. How much he wants me. How much when even I think about him from far away, he feels it, unconsciously, the force of our connection, we can smell each other, we know the weight of each others’ bodies.

Sinking into him. Filled with him. Empty. Deep.

Going through vivid memories of us together, flashbacks to dates that I suddenly am able to access more effectively.

I weep in trance at how precious that is. I weep while aroused as he controls me, even as I feel myself totally slipping away. The tears stop quickly, leaving me with his control.

He is calling back to the podcast that I know he was there to listen to, using my words, using my ideas, the recognition that he is always paying attention.

When he snaps me up, I am a hypnotized wreck, I can’t talk. He has to snap me up again.

“My shoulders are doing the thing,” I say, smiling, finally. “My brain is doing the thing.”

Loosened, relaxed.

We talk about how much we miss each other. He future paces gently about what it will be like when we finally see each other. I cry a little bit again, and it’s the first time I’ve acknowledged this thing with tears in front of him.

We banter Erickson at each other -- our ultimate love language.

I’m amazed how quickly I fall away when his flirting shifts intent just slightly. I have been going deeper, I have been going away so much further and faster.

He turns me into a cow, all body, no brain, taking over everything. Dumb cow braincells making me all mouth, all pussy, all tits. Calling back to my fey memories, how holographic they are.

Flashback to his apartment and cumming on top of him.

“Feeling the way the light feels,” he says, and it triggers the exact memory of my thought, in his room, when he took something away from me permanently -- ‘I will never forget the way the light looks in this room at this moment.’

“And then fading away even from this much comprehension into the deepest trance.”

Just hypnosis, just mind control. The absolute feeling of that, the way it drugs me.

I am so close to nothing, he is draining me away… Again I have that sense that if he just pushes a little more, I would go, something would happen, I would be totally gone forever… Again, I flash back to another date, the solstice that I did not share, and how close I was…

“You’ve always been a dumb little girl, wanting this so badly…”

Another flashback…

And he wakes me up, and I just stare at him. He makes a whooshing sound.

“Boy, do I miss this,” he says, all low, so turned on. “Gonna shred you so bad.”

I say his name.

“I’m… somewhere,” I manage, softly.

“Me too,” he says.

I’m so completely focused on his face, so completely keyed into his expression, his eyes, just like I would be if we were together, just like I’ve been learning how to do over Skype after all this time.

“Are we just going to spend 15 minutes staring at each other now?” I whisper, locked onto him.

“If we were alone, do you think we would?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say quietly.

We fix on each other, silently, and it is just like we are.

He makes another whooshing sound, and it breaks, and we both laugh a little.

“Well,” he says, “that was two minutes.”

“As if a candle can tell that it’s melting.”

I become an object, melting itself, lit by him, finally no longer a person, finally even more easy to exist as a vessel for his control.

“As if you are a candle in the dark night, dripping wax into your hand, thinking about spells and magic…”

Flashback to Samhain, and the frustration.

“Who we are when we are alone, when we are together, even if there are people around, no matter where, we are always in this other world where magic is happening to us both. Knowing we are always connected, knowing we always have this thing, and no one can stop it.”

Flashback to DMDW.

Flashback to flashbacks of DMDW.

Weeping, again, in deep, deep trance, feeling the magic bubble in my body and bubble where the air meets my skin, just for this one moment, so long since I’ve felt it and never over distance like this -- the magic that I will always question, the magic that seems unquestionable when I feel it and then dreamlike, it fades...

He counts me up, and I feel a tightness, and before 5, I whisper his name and ask to stay here, at 4.

I have looked at the picture of myself ever so often. The enormous emotional outpouring feels more distant now, and more manageable, but I don’t ever want to forget how hard that day was for me. I don’t ever want to take things for granted ever again.

It makes me so happy that I was able to have meaningful conversations and input at EEEHU, and help people learn, and watch people having fun. I wish I could have been more present, but I know I was doing the right thing by being at home, and not “at the con."

The hypnosis community is so incredibly important to me. I dedicated my first book to it, and surely I will do the same with my next. I believe I was meant to be here. If I believed in destiny, which I do not, I would say that it has been my destiny since I was a tiny little girl, confused and barely conscious of myself.

All I have to say is this: Take care of yourselves. Stay strong, but know you will fail sometimes. Cry. Laugh. Keep in touch.

I will be here.

@hypnokinkwithmrdream

#my writing #eeehu #neehu2020 #hypnosis #hypnokink

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lewlthea · 5 years

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The Actual Thing Going On With Edelgard Von Hresvelg.

Spoilers: It’s not fascism, nor racism (at least not in the way people think). Also, actual spoilers for the game.

If there has been a controversial character in Fire Emblem Three Houses, it’s Edelgard Von Hresvelg, one of the game’s main three lords, the house leader of the Black Eagles, the princess and sole heir of the Adrestian Empire, and an antagonist in every single route but hers. She has been a polarizing figure within the community: Some people think she’s an irredeemable monster, others think she’s a misunderstood leader. When it comes to Edelgard, theres hardly a grey opinion towards her; She’s either black or white. Today, I wanna talk about Edelgard’s actions towards the 4 routes, what they actually portray, and how and why the entire discourse towards her was caused deliberately by Intelligent System’s incredible mishandling and mistreatment of the character.

I remember Nintendo’s 2018 E3 conference quite well. I was at with a group of friends, watching at one of them’s house because he had a bigger TV. I remember making jokes about how “there was going to be a new Fire Emblem” because loving Fire Emblem when Intelligent Systems is Like That is a living nightmare.

And then this happens.

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Words could not express the joy I felt when the trailer was over. It wasn’t just a new Fire Emblem game: We were going to have another lady lord, and an axe-wielding one at that - something the fanbase had been desperately craving since the recent surge in Hector’s popularity - and for once, it was like when I first found out that there would be a new female character in Shadows Of Valentia with Faye, and it was the tipping point for me to finally buy a Nintendo Switch.

Of course, just like Faye, things weren’t that simple.

Because some months before E3 2019, which promised to reveal more info on Fire Emblem 3 Houses, Reddit exploded. All because of someone who goes by the username Thanibomb, who claimed to have leaked info on the game, saying a lot of information about all the characters, some of them very questionable (With things such as Lysithea would die due to her crest complications, and it would cause the major 5-year war, and other things like Claude being the one who shot Dimitri’s eye off), while other info being oddly specific. A part of it that made me particularly chuckle was when such user said that Dimitri would have lost an eye, and would cover it with an eyepatch. I found it so silly and, along with some friends, claimed it to be fake and carried on.

And then E3 2019 happened.

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And Dimitri had an eyepatch.

And still, even after Thanibomb, things remained optimistic. All lords looked nice, they seemed to have their own ideals, their own paths, and no fights were breaking out within the fanbase yet. But then early copies were sent to reviewers. And then 4chan got a hold of one of those. And then the main leaks started. And by the time the game got released, it was too late. The amount of hate comments towards the character was so overwhelming; some calling Edelgard a fascist, others claiming that she was racist, others even saying that she gives racist remarks towards Claude ingame (a blatant lie). A personal favorite comment of mine was how Hubert and Edelgard looked like the perfect alt-right couple.

(Should I remark that these kinds of comments stopped as soon as they found out that Hubert could A-support Ferdinand, and most of them moved on to fetishize the relationship between the two of them instead. Ironically, before that happened people despised Hubert in general solely because of his unusual appearance and shady behavior, but that was soon seen as ‘nuanced’ the moment he could be paired off with another man.)

And so, a fight between the fanbase begun: (Mostly) Blue Lion fans bashing Edelgard’s character, Black Eagle fans defending her vehemently, and Golden Deer fans between either on any of those sides or just making memes for Joe Zieja’s rally campaign for the GD. Mostly the latter. But that’s beside the point.

A (Kinda) Brief Summary of Edelgard’s Presence In Azure Moon, Verdant Wind, And Silver Snow.

Throughout the game’s second part, unless you’re playing the Crimson Flower Route, Edelgard will always be an antagonist who cannot be spared, and she cannot survive unless it’s in her own route. However, the way she is percieved changes depending on each route you are making, with each route leaving small fragments depicting Edelgard’s past and shaping her character in full scale.

In Verdant Wind/Silver Snow, Edelgard isn’t the final boss. She is one of the bosses before the big fight. (Nemesis in Claude’s case, Rhea in Seteth’s). She’s one of the obstacles, but not the main one, therefore there is not much insight on her character; However, there is still one element present in those routes that is curiously omitted from Azure Moon that is the reason why she doesn’t really have too much focus, that being Hubert’s final letter.

In both routes, Hubert seems to highly respect Seteth/Claude’s prowess in the war and their cunning mind. (Especially Claude; Throughout both Verdant Wind and Crimson Flower, he commends Claude’s tactics and strategies multiple times). In the letter, he gives the location of where Rhea is confined and asks them to eliminate Those Who Slither in the Dark, the game’s true villains and the ones behind most, if not all the game’s tragic events. Even more curiously, though, is the fact that the letter does exist on the Crimson Flower route, and can be seen briefly on Hubert’s B support with Ferdinand, being the reason of their argument throughout the conversation. Not a single mention of the letter exists in the Azure Moon Route. (Of course it would not make sense for it to exist gameplay-wise due to the player having already murdered Arundel/Thales earlier in the game but. It’s still something to be accounted for).

Speaking of Azure Moon, this is a much more trickier route to talk about. Not only due to the fact that Edelgard is this route’s final boss, but also because all of the things we discover about Edelgard within it are never mentioned in any other route, only brief mentions about the time she spent in the Kingdom; nothing more.

In here, her time spent on the Kingdom is expanded: Both Edelgard, her mom Patricia and Arundel were sent off to Faerghus due to exile, with Patricia being set off to marry King Lambert. There, she meets Dimitri, and they both become fast friends. By the time she has to leave, Dimitri gifts her with a dagger (Which, in Faeghus, are important gifts that mean ‘to cut a path towards a better future’), and she returns to Adrestia. Some time after she leaves the Tragedy of Duscurr happens, caused by Those Who Slither in the Dark. However, due to a misunderstanding caused by eavesdropping on a conversation between Thales and the Flame Emperor, Dimitri mistakenly believes that the Flame Emperor was behind it all, and once the Flame Emperor’s identity is finally revealed to be Edelgard, she is instantly demonized and called a ‘witch’, even though she openly declares how she had nothing to do with it. This goes on until Rodrigue’s death and Cornelia’s reveal that Patricia was the one behind the Duscurr Tragedy so she could return to the Empire and “reunite with her daughter”. (We never find out about what happened to her and she is not mentioned during the Crimson Flower). Dimitri tries to talk Edelgard off their final confrontation, but Edelgard insists that it is far too late for her to back down for their ideals are far too different, and she refuses to live in a world where the Church of Seiros exists. Dimitri then hands back her dagger (Which she accidentally dropped before the timeskip), and they both retreat to prepare for the final battle.

This route’s final boss is an Edelgard who was absorbed direct power from Those Who Slither in the Dark, and adquires a grotesque, corrupted form. No other character in the canon possess such a thing, and only Edelgard can assume such form. Once she is defeated, Dimitri tries once again to spare her, only for Edelgard to stab him with the dagger, making Dimitri realize that she would never give up on her dream, and finally kills her.

An Even More Brief Explanation of What Does All of This Means.

Okay, all of that info was nice, fun, good, yadda yadda. What does this mean and why was it needed.

Well, for starters, let’s ask ourselves a question: After reading the summary, can you say that you know what drives her to seek out the destruction of the church?

What is her reasoning behind the unification of Fodlan?

Do we get anything out of her other than “Scary dictator” or “An obstacle that had to be sadly removed” or “Under better circumstances... We could’ve been Allies (tm)”?

We don’t. Because Intelligent Systems did not bother to show Edelgard’s motivations, despite her being the villain in almost all the routes.

During Verdant Wind and Silver Snow, Edelgard herself does not matter: she’s solely important because she is threatening the church, she is your scary big bad dictator that you have to beat in order to rescue Rhea, only to find out that in reality she was just a stepping stone to the real villains, Those Who Slither in the Dark. (In game it is said that Hubert came up with this name. In my humble opinion Hubert can go fuck himself because this is the shittiest name I have ever seen and I am tired of having to type this five word long thing every paragraph or so). As soon as you read the letter, suddenly Edelgard, the Empire, and all the questions you had as to why she Did It dissappear because now you have another objective, another goal.

This is even more offensive during Azure Moon because she is the focus, the final boss, but it doesn’t matter why she did all of this nor what her ideals actually are despite them being the reason why she cannot be spared. The game would rather focus on getting reactions out of the player when the intimidating big meanie does something that makes Dimitri go angry than actually focusing on the clashing of Dimitri and Edelgard’s ideals, why they cannot go back to what it once was, what happened to her to change this way, why did ‘El’ actually die. All you have is a dictator in red which does things for no reason other than ��I will destroy the Church and unify Fodlan so I can govern over all of it”. Nothing more, nothing less.

....Of course, you do realize that I have avoided to talk about a certain thing.

So, About That Crimson Flower Route...

If there is a way to truly understand a villain, one must walk on such person’s footsteps. Most people criticizing Edelgard were the ones who hadn’t played her route yet, or had only played Azure Moon and was led to believe that all of Edelgard’s actions are unwarranted or pure nonsense.

There is a reason why people sing their tune differently as soon as they experience the Crimson Flower.

For starters, to be able to fight for Edelgard, you have to first have her support up to C+, go with her to Enbarr once she asks of you, and then defend her from Rhea at the Holy Tomb. The reasoning behind that is so that you fully understand what Edelgard has gone through and the reason why she cannot agree with the existence of the Church.

The Azure Moon route tells you of Edelgard before she returned to the Empire.

It never tells you what caused her to change after she went back.

Edelgard was part of the crest experimentations caused by Those Who Slither in the Dark, alongside all her siblings. Her father, the emperor, was unable to do anything about it, as the real people in control of the Empire were Arundel/Thales and Duke Aegir. Being the sole survivor of such things to return to society and see how everything is defined by whether you have a crest or not and finding out that the Church, who instead of breaking down such system to favor equality would rather turn the creatures who run it into figures to be worshipped is. Something.

There’s another reason for Edelgard’s sudden betrayal, a more sinister one, and why she feels like everything needs to be done in a quick pace. In her C+ you find out she has a second crest, The Crest of Flames, just like the player. People who bear two crests have a shortened lifespam, however.

When Edelgard declares war against the Church, and to unite Fódlan, it’s not solely because ‘Church bad’: She declares war against the unfair crest system, against the hypocrisy of Rhea’s dragon entourage, and of course, to destroy Those Who Slither in the Dark later on the road.

However.

Just because Edelgard’s behavior is justified, does not mean she is 100% in the right. She herself admits that the path she follows is one drenched in blood. But there are several times in the game that makes you stop and think for a second that she can still make bad decisions, and that sometimes her decisions might have horrible consequences. One of them is for example to never take away Brigid’s status as a vassal to the Empire and return it back to it’s former glory as an actual country, which shows how the entire Brigid kerfuffle is something akin to colonization. We should also point out that when she unifies Fodlan, in some endings she remains the Emperor, completely missing the point of what she fought for.

Another case that shows one of Edelgard’s biggest flaws is with the Silver Maiden incident.

Edelgard had just conquered Arianrhod, the Silver Maiden, and due to murdering Cornelia, enrages Ariandel/Thales, whom causes the situation above out of a show of power. She knows it was Those Who Slither in the Dark, but she needs to give explanations fast and she can’t reveal their identity or else they would slip away and it would be impossible to locate them and destroy them. So what does she do?

She says it was Rhea who did it, actively lying to her closest allies, one of them being the Prime Minister of the Empire.

For Edelgard, the ends justifies the means, and as long as she gets the results she wants, she will do what it takes. Even by alienation. And that’s a dangerous way to go on.

...So, where do I want to go from here? Who is to blame for the hatefest Edelgard is receiving?

Intelligent Systems Kind of Didn’t Know What To Do With Edelgard.

Now hold on. That sounds a bit too harsh, don’t you think? She was the first lord shown in the E3 2018 trailer, they have placed a very big emphasis on Edelgard everywhere hell the game’s main theme is about her, why would you claim that??

Well, first and foremost, I should start by saying that Crimson Flower is the game’s shortest route, with the total of 18 chapters. From those 18 chapters, there is only one cutscene, with most of the route’s major events being shown with either the game’s basic models or still images.

For comparison, Verdant Wind has the total of 8 cutscenes, counting the final one before the timeskip, with 3 of them being unique to its route.

Azure Moon has the total of 5 cutscenes, 3 of them being unique to its route.

Silver Snow has 4 cutscenes, having 2 unique ones to its route.

The other two main lords have several support options with people outside of their respective houses; Edelgard only has one.

Remember when I said that one of Edelgard’s main enemies are Those Who Slither in the Dark? The game never lets her deal with them personally. You never truly fight them during Crimson Flower.

In a way, the game feels as if while Edelgard is the focus, you shouldn’t side with her. It really makes it feel as if someone at Intelligent Systems just snickered and said ‘Hey wouldn’t it be cool if we could let our players side with/date our villain?’ without even considering or respecting such villain’s motivations, her ideals, and what truly makes a character unique.

In the end, all they truly cared for was if Edelgard was romanceable enough for the player, not if she made sense or was appealing as a character, whether as a villain or a savior.

And considering how the fanbase is behaving towards Edelgard, they succeeded.

#fire emblem #fe3h #fire emblem 3 houses #fe edelgard #i spent an entire night writing this #my neck hurts so badly

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trials-of-a-spirit-worker · 4 years

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The Uncle and the Pendulum

Because I don't want to just leave you all with a bad taste in your mouth about spirit commutation, I want to give you a lighter tale of mine.

My great uncles and I are pretty close compared to others. They always had ways of making me laugh. So it's hard to lose them. My great uncle passed away from liver cancer just before the new year rolled in. On New Year's Eve actually. So we started off the new year with a tragedy. Whenever my great uncles die mom brings their urn home to spend time with and reflect on their lives. He sits on top of our entertainment center right by the door. He greeting us as we come in and seeing us off as we leave. And we treat him like so. We even say goodnight to him when we head off to bed.

Now, I'm sure I've mentioned before that I'm the only witch in my very Christian household. So when I get to do witchy things out in the open, without fear or judgment it's a treat. So I get this rare opportunity to be alone and I just got this beautiful new Peach Moonstone pendulum that I was dying to try out. So after I cleansed and made sure I could understand what I was doing I was ready to try it on a spirit and what better spirit than my deceased Great Uncle right? I had already connected with him before after touching his urn and hearing his voice again greeting me like nothing had changed. He even used the nickname they have for me. So at night, I sit in the living room with my makeshift spirit board and my pendulum. After warding the area, I ask for my Uncle to come through and speak to me. After a few moments, I feel a depression in the couch and a chill down my side. I ask a couple questions making sure I know its who I’m looking for, giving me answers that he would know. I even purposefully get the date of his death wrong so he would correct me.

I told him how to communicate with me telling him to move the pendulum after I ask him a question. Immediately, he pokes the pendulum. I laugh and ask him to wait for me to ask him questions first. My first question was if he’s attached to anything on earth. To my relief he’s free roaming. I ask him is he still in pain and again he says no. But after a couple minutes....I couldn’t ask him anything else. I just grew so overwhelmed with losing him. I told him how much I missed him and how relieved I am that he’s not in pain or suffering any longer. And that nothing is anchoring him here. I laugh wryly as I wipe my tears apologizing about crying. To which my uncle starts batting the pendulum again. And I mean just rhythmically batting at it and I just start laughing.

“Wai--wait...I gotta ask a question first.” He responds with more batting. “Come on, man.” I giggle. He stops and I steady it again.

“Do--”

“Un--”

At this point, I can’t help but to laugh and give up. Clearly he’s done talking. I smile and tell him I love him. And I feel two arms around me and warmth enveloping me. My heart soars and I just feel...like a small child again in his lap. I say goodbye and the warmth fades away with a kiss to my forehead and I pick up my things and head back to my room.

Moments like this...are the reason I still communicate. I’ve had horrifying experiences, troubling spirits have plagued me. I’ve been scratched. I’ve been hit. Hell I’ve even been burned in my dreams screaming in agony from constant nightmares. But moments like this....make me forget all about those times. The warmth of your loved ones...never leave you. Even after death.

#witch stories #witchblr #pendulum #witchcraft #spirit work #moonstone #peach moonstone #spirit communication

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imaginexmeintheuniverse · 5 years

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Sunday Morning Sobriety

Pairing: Klaus Hargreeves x Reader

Warnings: mentions of drug abuse

A/N: ok so my computer decided to crash two days ago and it has the ben fic on it so I'll have to postpone that until i can get my laptop back in order but I've been working on some drabbles on my phone and i honestly don't know how good this is or where I was going with it when i was writing so it's a little all over the place (yikes)

It's a lovely Sunday morning for some doughnuts. You swear Agnes has to have some sort of otherworldly ingredient that makes her doughnuts taste so scrumptious, although she promises she just makes them with love.

Sitting at your favorite booth by the window, you munch on your sweet breakfast, and Agnes brings you your preferred drink on the house. You accept the mug, thanking her for the hospitality. Taking a sip of the warm liquid, you gaze out the window, appreciating how peaceful the morning is.

And then, as if on cue, none other than Klaus Hargreeves comes stumbling through the front door of Griddy's Doughnuts. After greeting Agnes with a wave and that kind smile of his that always has a glint of eccentricity, he plops down in the empty seat across from you. True to character, he's clad in those leather pants of his, barely wearing a shirt, and a god-awful jacket that's louder than he is at a party.

"Right on schedule," he announces, checking a watch that would be on his wrist if he hadn't pawned it off last week. Showing off his pearly white teeth, he flashes you a smile that says he's thrilled to see you.

"Are you sober?" You ask him, raising an eyebrow at his exaggerated and shaky gestures.

"Maybe..." he brings a finger up to his bottom lip as though he's thinking really hard about it. You honestly can't tell whether or not he's joking. "Yup, a definite maybe."

The relationship you have with Klaus Hargreeves is... strange, to say the least. You've been sort of friends for a few years— he comes and goes as he pleases, but he's stuck around more and you've been seeing him almost regularly for the last year or so. How you feel about him is complicated because you care about him a great deal, which also means you can't stand seeing him destroy himself despite your best efforts. You do know it's a horrible addiction he needs to get over and it hurts more than he would ever know every time you see him swallow another damn pill, but you also know that to a certain point, it's a journey he has to do himself for the most part. And you want to be by his side for all of it— once he's ready to take that step.

"I really am trying though," he admits in a more serious tone as he averts his gaze to his fidgeting fingers. He knows he's sober at the moment— the blasted headache, the overwhelming emotions that make him feel like they'll cause him to implode, and the compulsive need to cram the nearest narcotics he can find down his throat are obvious indicators. Withdrawal is the shittiest sensation he never gets used to. "I-It's just really hard sometimes with—"

"I know," You don't cut him off to be rude, but you can see him becoming increasingly anxious thinking about it. Sliding your arms forward on the table, you reach for his hands curling your fingers over his shaky ones. "Klaus, with everything you've been through, a-and everything you still have to deal with —"

"You don't even know the half of it," he chuckles, sounding exhausted and overwhelmed more than anything.

"You can always talk to me," Your offer is genuine, and he knows it. He also knows that what he's experienced— and still does, is a complete fucking nightmare. Klaus wants nothing more than to tell you everything, but he wouldn't want to put that kind of strain on someone as pure as you. "It can't be good to keep all of that in, and I might not understand right away, but I want to try- for you. Will you let me?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," he answers after a moment's hesitation, averting his gaze to the window, looking at it more than through it like there's a haze obscuring the glass.

"Try me."

Instinctively looking to the empty space next to him, his features shift ever so slightly to form an expression one wears when they non-verbally communicate with a sibling or a close friend.

"Is that Ben?" You ask him, and his attention snaps back to you. He seems a little surprised, but not necessarily in a bad way. You've had your suspicions, knowing Klaus' powers, and Ben's story— or at least what you've been told of the tragedy. "Can he hear me?" You don't want to intrude or offend him in any way; you just want to make him feel more comfortable, and it seems to be working because he silently nods his head. "Hi Ben, I'm Y/N," you introduce yourself, trying your best to look at the same place where Klaus was just looking. "I'm sorry I haven't formally introduced myself sooner."

"Yeah, how rude of you not to introduce us sooner," Ben remarks sarcastically, to which Klaus rolls his eyes in response to his brother.

"Ben says hi."

"It must get pretty lonely," you say sympathetically, hoping you don't come off as pitying. "If ever you feel like talking to someone, you can always talk to me," You give a kind smile that's warming to him— both of them, something neither has experienced in a long time. Although he won't make it so obvious to Klaus, Ben is overjoyed that he can finally communicate to someone else in the live realm now. He loves his brother of course, but Klaus and the others don't really take the time to interact.

"I like this Y/N," he gives a nod of approval, sporting a small smile. Ben can already see that having someone like you in his life will be good for him. Klaus has always been a sensitive spirit, and with all the trauma he's endured he needs someone patient and understanding more than anything.

But Klaus also knows himself, and all the unwelcome things that come with being around him. He doesn't want to burden anyone with his impossibly heavy baggage.

You can feel it as a knowing smile graces your lips. Little does he know you also have quite some hefty baggage you've been carrying around for as long as you can remember.

"Ben says he likes you."

"I like him too," you state and turn your head to smile at the empty seat next to Klaus once more. "And what about you?" He hums in response, quirking up an eyebrow in confusion. "How do you feel about me?"

"What a ridiculous question," An impish grin takes over his features because you should already know the answer to that question. "You're beautiful, you know that?" He blurts out unintentionally, yet he doesn't have an ounce of shame or regret about it. It's simply a truth that needed to be said. "Y/N, I really care about you," is all he can say to avoid telling you the precise words that describe what he feels.

"Klaus," you say his name in a nearly breathless manner, as you give his hand a comforting squeeze. "Don't take this the wrong way, but—"

"I get it, I just wanted to put it out there, I wasn't expecting anything back—"

"N-No! That's not it—"

"Really, it's okay," It's heartbreaking how accepting he is of rejection; expecting it before it comes. You can't let that happen. "I'm just a—"

"Klaus, you're so amazing and you don't even know it!" His lips part slightly as they release a breath of bewilderment. You squeeze his hands so hard that it hurts him a little, but he doesn't care. "You are the most caring, sensitive person I've ever met, a-and I care about you too much to see you ruin yourself—"

"So what you're saying is that you like, like me?" A smirk dominates his features, replacing whatever vulnerable and insecure frown he wore seconds ago.

"Yes," you chuckle, rolling your eyes at the certain amount of visible ego inflation you've caused. Seeing him open his mouth, you speak before he can make some silly comment that would diffuse the gravity of the situation, "But I can't be with you unless you're sober— I-I don't think I'd be able to watch you hurt yourself like that, and until then I will be supporting you the best I can—"

"I'm sober," he whispers as a corner of his mouth quirks upwards.

"Wh—"

"I'm sober," he says louder, the grin spreading across his features. "I've been sober for almost a week!" You can't help the smile that breaks out on your face as you watch how overjoyed he becomes.

Standing abruptly from his seat, he makes his way around the table to your side of the booth, falling into place next you. You let out a giggle as he wraps an arm around your shoulder and leans in close.

"Not so fast," you chuckle, placing a hand on his chest. "You need to stay sober," you tell him, once again taking on a tone of seriousness as you lock your eyes to his. "I care about you a lot."

His eyes flicker down to your lips for a brief moment before meeting your enticing orbs again, and then he leans in slightly so that mere inches stand between your lips and his. He stops himself before going any further, asking for your permission. You take it upon yourself to close the distance as you move forward to press your lips to his.

Klaus' eyes flutter closed and he lets himself melt into your kiss instantly, experiencing the full sensation without a numbing haze. Your hand closes around the fabric of his shirt that covers (or barely) his chest as he deepens the kiss, pouring the unspoken depth of his feelings into one simple action.

Maybe with you, things will finally be okay, and he won't need to numb himself anymore.

Ben lets out a fake cough from across the booth, trying to get Klaus' attention, only to be dismissed with a wave. "All right then, I'm going to leave the two of you alone."

#klaus hargreeves #klaus hargreeves imagine #klaus hargreeves drabble #potatowrites #drabble #klaus hargreeves x reader #tua #the umbrella academy fic #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy imagine #the umbrella academy drabble #tua fic #tua imagines

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rinpoo-blog · 4 years

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What the Heart Wants.

Marco's deep depression over Star's relationship with Tom forces him to leave Mewni castle in search of solace, but when he happens upon a sacred place that seems to offer untold happiness, he gets struck with tragedy. What is this place that knows what the heart truly wants, and what is the price it charges for it?

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(On Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/story/184428799-what-the-heart-wants

(On FanFiction.net) https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12867074/1/What-the-Heart-Wants

(On Ao3) https://archiveofourown.org/works/27100789/chapters/66175567

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The Twilight Walk.

"It is strange how I came here for her. At first, I didn't realize it, but then it dawned on me that I needed her. I feel my broken heart sinking inside of me, and I just wish it could go back to the way it used to be before I came to Mewni." Marco thought as he lay on his bed in the castle. His eyes were staring up at the ceiling in the cold darkness.

Ever since that day on the beach when he had his revelation he couldn't keep his mind off of it. Star's delicate lips pressed against Tom's in their place on the sand. He could feel rage and sadness every time the image played itself out inside of his mind.

"Why did I have to be so stupid?" Marco said out loud to himself and drew the strings on his hoodie so that it shrank down around his head and part of his face.

He now felt that coming here was a mistake and that he had destroyed his chances of happiness with Jackie entirely by doing so. All those years of being in love with her and wishing to be with her were now gone.

"Rrr" Marco made an angry sound and then grabbed his pillow and shoved it over his face. Was he going to cry? He sure felt like it was coming.

"No... I just, you need to stay cool Marco." He told himself and took in a deep gasp of air. He couldn't take this any longer; he needed to clear these negative, painful thoughts from his mind.

He rose from the bed thrusting his hood off and made his way through the dark room towards his bedroom door. The light of Mewni's moons shining through the windows lighting his way to his destination. It might have been a bit late, but he couldn't concern himself with such things.

He reached out his hand and placed it on the handle of the door and with one swift pull it came open. Marco immediately jumped the moment he saw the other side of the door. There, through the darkness, was somebody standing right before him.

"Ahh!" Marco shouted pathetically but was immediately met with a "Shhhhhh!"

He squinted his eyes, and with the help of the pale moonlight, he could see that it was Kelly standing before him. His mind briefly wandered back to the soulrise, and how she had wished him a happy birthday, something that even Star herself failed to do.

"Do you want to wake up everyone?" Kelly asked in a whisper.

Marco searched his thoughts and couldn't come up with a single reason Kelly would have to visit him at half past midnight.

"Kelly? I… What are you doing here? I thought you'd be busy at Star's slumber party?" He thought for sure that she would be preoccupied with that even at this hour.

"I, everyone fell asleep, but I just couldn't. I honestly was expecting you to come hang out with us, but you never showed up." Kelly sounded somewhat disappointed, and Marco could feel a slight bit of guilt. He usually frequented Star's slumber parties; tonight just wasn't the night for him.

"I…" Marco paused trying to figure out a lie he could say. "Just had some things I needed to do. Write my parents and all that. You understand?" He said. The night was cold, and Marco just stared at Kelly's silhouette marred in shadow.

"I understand, I just stopped by to hopefully get some company until I was tired enough to sleep." In truth, Kelly just wanted to see Marco, but she was never going to admit that. Like Marco, she too kept thinking of that day on the beach, but her perceptions of that day were remarkably more positive than Marco's.

Marco stood there in silence for a minute. He really did just want to be alone but could sense that she needed more support over the whole Tad thing.

"I was thinking about taking a walk out of the castle. Would you care to join?" Marco extended an offer to her, and though he knew it probably wasn't the best idea to wander around Mewni at this hour, he really needed to escape this castle.

"Outside? Now?" Kelly now sounded surprised and turned her attention down the dark hallway. She knew that if she wanted to hang out with Marco, this was probably the only way she was going to accomplish that.

"Ok let's go then." She said to him without the slightest hint of hesitation.

Marco walked out of his room and shut the door behind himself making the hallway ever darker. The two looked at each other in the shadows, and then Kelly moved over to grab Marco's hand. "This way." She said pulling him along.

Marco could feel the warmth of her hand against his, and he usually would be quite embarrassed to be touching a girl in such a manner, but before he even had the chance, he was being dragged along the dark corridor. Once they reached the door around the corner, Marco could see the faint glow of light from underneath the crack at the bottom of the door.

A few more steps and the door swung open revealing the stairs downward. Marco turned his attention to Kelly, and he could now see her glasses shining from the lights on the stairs. She was dressed entirely as if she knew he was going outside and was looking quite a bit nervous.

"Is something the matter?' Marco asked her.

"N-no nothing at all." She pulled her hand out of Marco's grasp and started to make the long descent down flights of steps. Marco looked at his hand for a second and then began to follow her to their destination.

After several minutes of walking the two emerged from the stairs into a lit hallway, adorned with fancy paintings and decorations. They were on the ground floor, and it was just a little further until they could make it out to the courtyard.

Marco followed behind Kelly and watched her aquamarine hair as it bounced with each step. He wondered if Tad was still within her hair but knew better than even to bring up his name at a time like this.

"Here we are," Kelly said and opened the door leading to the courtyard. Marco stepped out into the night and was mesmerized by the brightness Mewni's moons. It wasn't like he hadn't seen it before, but perhaps in his current state of mind, he was more sensitive to things.

He walked forward and could hear Kelly shut the door behind him, after a second, he could hear Kelly's boots sprinting on the dirt. He looked over just as she reached the position next to him, and he could see her staring back at him.

"Just where are you going?" Kelly asked, as she had assumed when he said he wanted to go out, that he desired to be in the courtyard.

"I just need to be away from the castle is all," Marco said in a defeated tone, and it was evident he was sad.

"You mean you want to go into the town?" She was looking at him concerned, but Marco now had his gaze fixated on the dirt that he was walking on.

"Yeah, I guess so." He put his hands in his hoodie pockets.

The two walked in silence and were almost approaching the gate of the castle when Kelly spoke once again.

"Why?" Her voice rang out into the chilly night.

The question caused Marco to stop in his tracks, and he became overwhelmed with emotions. He wanted to admit why he needed to be away, but it was excruciating for him to do so.

"I just. I need a break from everything." He tried to start talking, but it came out low and unenergetic.

Kelly nodded and had an understanding he was upset, but the real reasons for it eluded her for the time being. They continued forward together until they reached the gate guarded by two Mewnian guards standing watch over the entrance.

One of the guards stared at them and looked as if he might say something about their late-night walk, but since Marco was now the knight apprentice of Star Butterfly and Kelly was not the princess herself; there seemed little need to speak up.

The two exited the castle gate and made their way into the silent and sleepy village that sat around the castle. Much of it was completely dark, save for the intense beams of moonlight that illuminated the community from overhead. Marco may have been feeling down, but he too could see the beauty and splendor the moon created for the world of Mewni.

"It really is somthin' huh?" Kelly asked, feeling mesmerized by the scenery.

Marco turned his attention to her and could see the light shining off her glasses once again, and the brightness revealed the prettiness of her face. To Marco, this was the genuinely mesmerizing thing for him, and he just stared without a word.

After a moment passed, Kelly took notice of his stare and turned her attention to him with a small smile. "So, do I have something on my face?" She asked jokingly.

Marco shook his head as he came back down to reality and started to stammer a response. "N-no I mean, I was j-just lost in thought!" He let out a nervous laugh, and then a sigh realizing it was apparent to her he was looking at her.

"Look, I am sorry I didn't mean to stare." He admitted apologetically. "I just, I have a lot on my mind." He said while walking through the village streets.

...

Continue on for about 140 000 words : p

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peter-hobler-blog · 4 years

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The Shattered Dreams of Divorce

Two of the hardest things about being a parent heading toward or having already gone through divorce are: 1) When you get married you think you have a loving partner, best friend, and soul-mate to raise your family together for the rest of your life... and then one day your dream is simply gone; and 2) Realizing the potential lifelong emotional and psychological impact on your kids, yet not knowing what to do about it.

Did you sign up for the emotional pain of divorce? The frustration, the hurt, the sorrow, the anger, the anxiety, the loss of trust, the loss of sense of family, the grief, being concerned about your kids?

Of course not! The emotional pain is overwhelming and crippling and the impact on your kids can be devastating.

Divorce is a difficult process, even if your separation is amicable.

An assumption many individuals make going into divorce is that their partner will actually be reasonable and they'll be able to work together to avoid the financial and emotional impact on them, their children, and the entire family.

One of the most tragic ironies of divorce is that often trust and integrity are replaced with resentment, anger, anxiety, and spite. It's human nature to get back at someone who has hurt you.

The tragedy of this subconscious determination is that the main people it hurts are you and your children.

So, how do you consciously change things to have a more beneficial impact?

Since the 1990's divorce rates have been increasing at an alarming rate. Among adults 50 years and up, the divorce rate has doubled. (according to statistics from the National Center for Health Statistics and US Census Bureau).

Why is the divorce rate skyrocketing?

I believe the reasons are a combination of being conditioned during childhood, a lack of awareness, and the tendency to be self-centered.

I'm not sure exactly when things started to change for my ex and me from the dream of being lifelong partners, but WOW, things did change... quickly and dramatically!

We started being together less and less, communications became minimal. We stopped doing things for each other.

We scheduled a family trip with our 3-year-old daughter, hoping the situation would improve.

Upon returning home, we immediately fell into an even darker abyss. Not long after, the ex told me to move out of the house.

I was in complete shock! Yet I was so fed up with the way things were between us that I said "okay!". I moved out, never to return "home".

It took me by surprise when a few months later the ex told me she had hoped I would fight for her, for us to be together. I was flabbergasted that she would play games during such a challenging and difficult time for us, and for our daughter.

Reflecting back to this time, I realized not only did I not want to get back together, I had NO IDEA how to navigate what would be a truly bumpy and rocky road of divorce. Neither did the ex.

The day I committed to STOP reacting with anger and to remain calm no matter what, was the day things started to change.

I began to maintain more control over my own reactive emotions. Initially I had no idea that by changing my behavior, the ex would change hers over the next few months as a result.

We certainly weren't perfect, but we definitely created some major improvement.

The most beneficial effect was on our almost 4-year-old, now 23 year old daughter.

I am grateful to God, to my ex, and to myself that our daughter turned out so well in spite of the two of us. The lessons I learned from the endless challenges of our divorce situation have had a tremendous impact on my life.

For me, change started when I realized I did NOT want to continue down the same dark path and knew I needed to gain Clarity for what I really wanted for my daughter.

This in turn spurred me to realize the importance of Forgiveness, first and foremost of myself. This helped me to let go of dark emotions consuming me and to shift the energy into my commitment to remain calm.

What can you do to learn how to let go of the dark emotions?

Learning from someone who has been where you are and not only survived, but thrived, is the best way to save time, avoid additional pain and hurt, and to figure out how to create the shift you really want for the sake of your kids.

My wife Laurie and I have each been through the pain, agony, and challenges of divorce. We have worked with counselors and coaches, read books, journaled, deepened our faith, and done the self-work.

We created The EX-Factor brand and philosophy for the sake of children of divorce... and for your sake as their parent.

Our heartfelt mission is to help loving parents like you learn how to let go of the anger, frustration, regret, resentment... and to heal the grief... so you can move forward based on the understanding that everything you say and do as a parent teaches and impacts your kids. When you gain Clarity for what you want for your kids, you can map out a plan to actually make it reality.

My book "Split Harmony: Turn The EX-Factor from Chaos to Compassion" led to our designing and creating "The Creating A Harmonious Split Master Course".

The course is an online video course that guides you step by step through four proven life-based principles to create a more harmonious split environment between you and your ex for the sake of your kids, the innocent victims of divorce.

The Creating A Harmonious Split Master Course

(Go to the Author's Resource Box for access)

STOP the unbearable Emotional Pain!

STOP the Financial Drain of the legal fees of the divorce attorneys!

Step Up and Put Your Kids First!

Let Go and Take Control... of yourself and of the underlying dynamics between you and the ex.

There is light at the end of the tunnel...

With Heartfelt Compassion,

Peter and Laurie Hobler Our Mission: To help parents of divorce create an environment of split harmony for the sake of their kids.

The Creating A Harmonious Split Master Course is an online video course based on my book "Split Harmony: Turn The EX-Factor from Chaos to Compassion".

The course shares four real life-based proven principles to help you form the foundation to create a more beneficial outcome for your kids, and for you.

Learn More About The Course

Article Source: https://EzineArticles.com/expert/Peter_Hobler/807077

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/10335610

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dotthings · 5 years

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SPN 14.20 HOLY F*CKING I AM BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS HERE THAT WAS A GOOD. And a great set-up for S15.

*SNAPS FINGERS*

Let me try for some coherency. I scribbled watching notes.

Cas. :( Well I am not a bit surprise he’s not own with this. I don’t see how else he’s supposed to feel. Or how else Dean would feel. Or how Sam would feel. Sorry if TFW is so inexplicable to some people but they’re all making perfect sense to me. It’s sad but they make sense.

That Dean and Cas argument with Sam in the middle like :0 :| poor Sam, poor poor Sam, imagine having to watch all this intense Dean and Cas, he hates it when they bicker, and this is a real argument.

“I know how much he meant to you. He meant a lot to me. But that isn’t Jack any more.” So there it is, the truth beneath Dean’s walls he put up. None of this is because Dean is cold or uncaring. He is, however, still very angry and still (thinks) that he has to kill Jack. The place Dean lands with Jack in this ep also doesn’t surprise me because I been knew and that makes sense too but it also makes sense that right up the line, he’d think he has to kill Jack and follow that anger. This is an extraordinary situation in fact. Even though TFW have been faced with not-versions of themselves before, they’ve never killed another family member while in that state. And I think Jack’s escalating danger levels in this ep pretty much vindicates why someone might think he has to be killed...even though Jack isn’t evil or malicious still (more on that in a moment).

“Nerds.” “Takes one to know one.”

I was just talking about this about Dean. About his facades and how he used to mock nerds and geeks--still does even now--but is actually the biggest geek and I love that Sam calls him on his nerd qualities. His nerd traits. WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING.

So nobody at all can lie any more and the world, as a result, starts tearing apart at the seams. Look SPN, when I said I wanted more emotional honesty...lololol that’s not what I meant. Some lies are necessary.

Oh my god it’s God. Hi, Chuck. (I was spoiled for this, it was still really fun when Chuck just popped up in the alley).

“Jack. He’s a problem.” NO REALLY I HADN’T NOTICED YOU DON’T SAY

Cas was going to see about the cage in Hell. Was he thinking he could put Jack in it?? Was that his alternative to just killing him?

Jack visiting his grandmother and she calling Jack out on the fact that he lied to them. Oh snap, Jack. You’re sick of all the lies but you told one (for a kindness). Some lies are necessary. You lied to people too.

This episode has some realness here about what holds society together and different types of honesty. Lying is wrong...except 100% blunt honestly all the time would be a complete disaster and there are some lies we need to tell for the sake of kindness, for community, for forgiveness, or it all will fall apart. Which lies are too far and which are necessary. Can a lie hurt but also be for a kindness and be necessary? SPN has had its main characters lie for years. They lie with credit card scams so they can pay for gas and food and lodging. They lie about who they’re secretly working with behind each other’s backs. All of Team Free Will has lied to each other. Kept things from each other. It doesn’t go well for them. Yet here’s an ep showing that some types of lies are necessary as part of the fabric of society.

Dean is sooooo done with God’s bullshit I am laughing. This is also really subversive because yes we love Chuck and his guitar. Chuck singing Fare-thee-Well. Chuck as a likeable (if irresponsible deadbeat dad) figure on SPN. But how benevolent is he actually? And they don’t have time for a song right now, they just don’t.

Team Free Will are still speaking to each other after Cas stormed out. That’s a good sign!

“I built the sandbox. You play in it...but when things get really bad that’s when I step in.”

Uh...kinda. Sometimes, Chuck. Yes he’s intervened a few times. He put Sam and Dean on the airplane. He put Cas back together more than once. He stepped up when he needed do about Amara at the end of S11. So maybe a C+ on actually being there in a pinch.

“Jack is apocalyptic.” Which--self-evident right there in the ep, thanks, Chuck. Oh and can we stop pretending Jack isn’t incredibly dangerous at least? Oh he’s not just dangerous he is world-endingly dangerous. Note I rooted for Jack to be okay, and want him to be saved, but the situation is what it is right now.

It made a lot of sense to spec based on the ep title Chuck was going to show up to intervene and stop TFW from having to kill Jack, and I’m sure with a reference that blatant in that title, Dabb knew that would be the assumption. It made sense. The overturning of that is interesting here. Chuck didn’t show up and didn’t show up and when he finally does it’s to hand them the weapon to destroy Jack. Which at this point in the ep I’m still wondering--but it could be a test. Let’s see what happens.

Oh. Whoever shoots the gun, what happens to the target, happens to them. Aaaand we’re back to Dean with a self-sacrificing plan.

Damn Cas is so damn salty still about the Dean-in-the-box plan I love it. He hates that plan. Now he’s extra special plus cranky because he’s looking now at losing Jack and losing Dean simultaneously. I’ve talked a lot in my posts about Cas’s big love for both Jack and Dean. This is diabolical. Cas could lose them both with one gunshot. Of course he doesn’t want his son to die...but he doesn’t want Dean to die. Save Jack...means saving Dean too.

I really loved this Sam and Dean scene and while Cas doesn’t get to verbalize what’s going on in his head, Sam certainly gets to vocalize what Sam’s thinking. “I’m the one who brought him back. He burned his soul off to save you and me. You want me to say I’m okay with losing you and losing him all at once. I can’t do that. I’ve already lost too much.” MIC DROP SAM WINCHESTER.

“I don’t feel anything.” There’s the crux of the Jack Problem. He intellectually understands what’s “good” and what’s “bad” but he doesn’t, in his own words, feel it. He’s the most powerful being on the planet and he’s completely hollow inside, lacking true empathy, lacking instincts, strong attachments, an innate sense of right and wrong. That’s...really terrifying. It’s really not at all hateful to Jack to comprehend how scary that combination is. “I want to love you back, it’s just I can’t.”

This is. Damn. We saw AU Cas in ep 300, what happens when Cas never learned to access his emotions. As an angel, our Cas was taught that emotions were bad, they were a weakness. He was taught not to heed them. To control them. To never be led by his heart or his feelings. But instead of heeding that, Cas led with his whole heart, he often drowned in his own emotions, overwhelmed by them. He has intense attachments and pain and loneliness and fear and even moments of peace and joy. He feels it all. He’s the most feeling angel to ever feel, and how painfully on point is it that his son is now...emotionless.

“You’re my favorite show.” Wow it got super meta in here, Chuck.

“Why does it always have to be on us,” wonders the tormented characters. “Because you’re my guys!” gushes the enthusiastic Winchester fan, God.

I feel so called out right now. I do. While I am certainly in the camp that feels that too much torture porn angst without hope is a weaker story, like many fans, there is a certain catharsis and satisfaction in watching our favorite characters suffer and triumph and keep on going and not let the suffering defeat them.

In this ep Dabb is taking that idea and expanding it out to a walking talking metaphor, embodied in Chuck, who turns out to be a toxic wielder of suffering for his own amusement. Tying to Jack’s lack of emotions, Chuck seems okay with others suffering. It’s not that he lacks feelings, because he gets something from watching these “characters” suffer, but he’s lacking in empathy because he doesn’t seem to care that they’re suffering and in the world of SPN these are not characters, these are real people he’s jerking around making them dance to his angst-buttons for his own enjoyment.

Cas still is clinging on to hope that Jack can be fixed and my heart hurts for him. At this point, I’m still hoping Jack can be...but it’s not looking good.

Jack kneeling in front of Dean to be killed. Because while he’s dangerous, no he’s not evil or malicious. “I understand. You were right all along. I am a monster.” This is just...really sad. I’m sad.

Oh, SPN, you tried so hard, but I never thought Dean would be able to pull that trigger. Also the tragedy of Dean--he didn’t hesitate because Dean had a sudden revelation he wants to live so he’s not going to seppuku the problem after all. No, it’s because he just couldn’t do it to Jack in the end, to his son, who had earned his love and his trust after a rough start. Dean understands that this Jack isn’t the Jack he recently knew and Dean also understands how far gone Jack is and how dangerous. Yet he still can’t do it. This makes perfect sense to me. I could also see how he might have pulled that trigger (and that would have been horrible and it would have hurt Dean so much...and I don’t just mean because of the magic ricochet of that gun...it would be too much. And...it looks like this ep agrees with me on a textual and meta-textual level. Uh-huh.)

"This isn’t how this story is supposed to end.” Chuck, our author, isn’t enjoying the fact that his characters are doing things he didn’t plan on and didn’t intend (which happens during the creative process).

“Pull the trigger and I’ll bring her back,” Chuck offers. “No.” says Dean. “My mom is my hero and I will miss her every day of my life but she wouldn’t want this.”

And then Sam goes OFF. “over and over and over again...losing people we love.”

“This isn’t just a story. This is our lives.”

I am LOVING THIS. I actually clapped my hands with meta-ish glee.

THE CHARACTERS ARE REBELLING AGAINST SPN’S OWN RELIANCE ON MISERY PORN AND I AM LIVING.

This is so self-critical. On a story/character level, this is amazing for Sam and Dean, who are defying fate, refusing yet again to be jerked around by a cosmic puppetmaster. Sam goes as far as defying the idea that they don’t deserve to be happy. Not in so many words. But he is flipping off the concept that all they are good for is suffering AND I AM SO PROUD and I think Dean gets it too but oh my poor Dean was just willing to commit seppuku and while Dean is rejecting being puppetted around, not for anyone, not even to save Mary, I don’t know if he’s at the place where he sees it how Sam does--that screw you, I don’t deserve to suffer like this open defiance.

So Sam shoots God. lololol for a hot second there I thought Sam was going to kill God and welp that would have been a plot twist but no, just a flesh wound so Sam is wounded too.

Chuck’s not thrilled his favorite human pets aren’t playing along for his amusement.

“Story’s over. Welcome to the end.”

LIGHTS OUT.

Well. God was the big bad all along. GOD WAS THE BIGGEST BAD OF SPN ALL ALONG.

I was hoping Jack wouldn’t have to die. At least none of his dads had to kill him and the set-up with Jack landing in The Empty seems like he’s not gone forever. WHAT DID BILLIE MEAN “WE HAVE TO TALK.” About what. What is going on.

WHAT IS HAPPENING

IS THAT LA LLARONA

THAT’S BLOODY FREAKIN’ MARY

HOLY CRAP THE SOULS OF THEIR EARLIEST CASES ARE RISING FROM HELL

ALL THE SOULS ARE RISING FROM HELL

WE ALL SPECCED HEAVEN WOULD BREAK AND THE SOULS IN HEAVEN WOULD GET LOSE AND INSTEAD IT WAS ALL THE SOULS FROM HELL THIS IS AWESOME

SAM AND DEAN AND CAS!! TEAM FREE WILL ARE BACK TO BACK TOGETHER IN THE DARKNESS SURROUNDED BY ZOMBIES I WISHED FOR A MOMENT LIKE THIS FOR YEARS. TEAM FREE F*CKING WILL. ALSO A FINALE THAT HAD ALL THREE OF THEM UNITED. THANK DABB.

#Sam Winchester #Dean Winchester #Castiel #Jack Kline #Chuck Shurley #spn #supernatural #spoilers #meta #Team Free Will

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burnoutcoachforyou · 4 years

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How To Overcome Fear

As a front line worker, are you caught up in the fear of the unknown, the lack of control you feel, and are you worried about the future? Dr. Sharon shares 7 tips on how you can effectively deal with fear.

It is human nature to avoid emotions that scare us. Who wants to walk directly into what promises to be a painful experience? Except that by continually avoiding looking at the ‘boogeyman’ within, you become hostage to the monster. Typically this involves hiding from any potential stressor that might cause upset and engaging in endless distractions. Alas you are also hiding from potential challenges that can lead to growth and joy. Plus, you can’t hide forever from fear. It’s going to strike despite your best efforts to suppress it. And it is likely that it will strike at a time when you most need emotional equanimity.

The good news is that once you face your fear—and give the boogeyman air—rather than shove it into a distant compartment of your brain, it begins losing the ability to rule you and dictate your decisions.

Recent Studies on Anxiety and Fear

Earlier this year the journal Science published a study1 conducted by researchers from the École Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne (EPFL) using mice that showed how the brain actually has to re-experience a fear in order to extinguish it. The rodents were initially put into a small box and give a mild shock. Over a long period, the researchers returned the mice to the box but didn’t administer shocks. Initially, the mice froze but with repeated exposure to the box, and no additional shocks, they eventually relaxed.

For humans repeated exposure to the event(s) that created the trauma can help the anxiety subside. For example, the treatment for fear of flying is often exposure therapy that involves slowly and repeatedly being exposed to the object that is feared in a controlled environment.

I Just Give Myself Permission To Suck. I Find This Hugely Liberating.

For example, the person who is immobilized at the thought of flying might, in an exposure therapy treatment, might begin by reading a story about a plane crash, and gradually work up to going to an airport without boarding a plane, then boarding a plane without taking off, then finally taking a short flight…With repeated exposure in a safe place, such as a therapist’s office, to the event(s) that created the trauma, the anxiety level subsides.

youtube

Facing Your Fear

My patient *Doreen suffered one of the worst traumas imaginable—her twin sister committed suicide. Fourteen months later another tragedy occurred: *Beth, a cousin to whom Doreen had once been extremely close, jumped off a bridge to her death. Doreen dreaded—and feared—the mourning process. She was afraid of losing herself to overwhelming grief. Instead of dealing with her emotions, she found what felt like the perfect coping mechanism: non-stop solo travel to the far corners of the globe. During her rare periods at home, she felt lonely, but found numerous reasons to not attempt forging friendships.

After one particularly adventurous trip, she slumped into my office. “Sherry, I hiked in the Amazon and had a session with a shaman and yet it felt so hollow. I wanted to share the experience with someone…with Beth.”

Doreen’s distress convinced her that it was time to stay home for a few months (her bank account would thank her!) and devote herself to what she feared most: facing herself.

I suggested she might make new connections through a social networking website called meetup. A few times she registered for an activity, but at the last minute experienced anxiety symptoms so intolerable that she stayed home.

During one session, I asked, “Why does letting someone become close scare you so much?”

She closed her eyes and after a few minutes’ of contemplation said, “If I let myself be vulnerable, it will kill me when the person leaves.”

“Why do you assume the person will leave?”

“My sister and Beth left—everyone does.”

“And yet here you are still standing. You survived the worst that could happen. How could attending a pottery painting event be harder?”

The next day she registered for a group hiking event. At our next session she confessed the morning of the hike she experienced such severe anxiety symptoms —sweating palms, shaking lips, heart palpitations—so uncomfortable, she almost didn’t go. “I told myself, ‘Sherry says fear is a momentary emotion. If I run from it I’ll feel worse later.’”

Want To Watch Video About Social Anxiety Disorder OR Like This Type Episode

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She had such a fabulous time on the hike she impulsively volunteered to arrange the group’s next outing. Doreen recalled, “As soon as I got home I got so anxious that I reached for the phone to rescind my offer but I made myself breathe and continued to go about my day.”

Soon Doreen had an active social life for the first time in years. Yes, she still experienced anxiety, but now she had coping mechanisms that allowed her to find relief and overcome the anxiety. “I’m still really afraid of losing people, but I’m more afraid of ultimately never finding what I really crave—community.”

Tips to Work Through Your Fear and Live Your Life

If you are experiencing overwhelming fear or anxiety, especially a phobia, please consider working with a therapist. Additionally, here are some suggestions that have helped many of my patients work through being hostage to their own fears:

Allow yourself to sit with your fear for 2-3 minutes at a time. Breathe with it and say, “It’s okay. It feels lousy but emotions are like the ocean—the waves ebb and flow.” Have something nurturing planned immediately after your 2-3 minute sitting period is completed: Call the good friend waiting to hear from you; immerse yourself in an activity you know is enjoyable and engrossing.

Write down the things you are grateful for. Look at the list when you feel you’re in a bad place. Add to the list.

Remind yourself that your anxiety is a storehouse of wisdom. Write a letter, “Dear Anxiety, I am no longer intimidated by you. What can you teach me?”

Exercise. Exercise can refocus you (your mind can only focus on one thing at a time). Whether you go on a short walk, head to a boxing gym for an all-out sweat session, or turn on a 15-minute yoga video at home, exercise is good for you and it will ground you and help you feel more capable.

Use humor to deflate your worst fears. For instance, what are some ridiculous worst-case scenarios that might happen if you accept an invitation to deliver a speech to a crowd of 500 people? I might pee in my pants at the podium *** I will be arrested for giving the worst speech in history *** My first boyfriend (girlfriend) will be in the audience and heckle me.

Appreciate your courage. Doreen would tell herself during difficult times, “Every time I don’t allow fear to keep me from doing something that scares me, I am making myself stronger and less likely to let the next fear attack stop me.”

Perhaps the most important coping tool is to be kind to yourself. What advice would you give to a best friend about those negative inner voices that whisper: Be afraid. Don’t try anything new? Do as you advise others—don’t listen to the negativity; be your own best friend.

#How To Overcome Fear #Stress Management Techniques #Reducing stress #how to reduce stress and anxiety #how to reduce stress #mental health #Mental Illness

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bloomingednae · 5 years

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For Okakuri Week.

Did I just use today’s prompt as a time to finally update Trade Mistakes? Yes, yes I did.

It’s been a long time, y’all; for those of you still following this fic, thank you so much for staying along for the ride. You all deserve this long-awaited update.

With that, enjoy. ~

Also on AO3.

Trade Mistakes Chapter 7: Clarity

Day 5: Trust

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?” ~ “Clarity” - Charlie Puth Cover (song link: x)

October 11, 2018 (AM)

Bzzt, bzzt.

The incessant sound of Kurisu’s phone on the nightstand awoke her as she slowly opened her eyes. Though the blinds were shut, a slight sun ray ran through, creeping its way near her eyes as she squinted into empty space and refocusing her surroundings. She instinctively went to grab her phone blindly, but the moment her hand touched her vibrating phone, her eyes suddenly shot open, a horrible feeling building in her gut as she became more aware of her surroundings.

It marked the second day since she had last seen him, and the sudden realization of her current situation had her almost want to throw up as she sat up in bed. Her phone ceased to vibrate for a few seconds before it started up once more. Realizing that it wouldn’t stop any time soon, she reached for it again with a shaky hand, squinting at the caller ID. She almost wanted to groan at the caller, but felt a lack of energy to even do so, putting forth whatever she had in her to opening her phone and answering slowly.

“...hello?”

“Don’t ‘hello’ me, as if there’s nothing wrong.”

The snappy tone of her senior caused her to flinch as she sat up more alert, but still feeling slightly groggy from waking up so suddenly. She shifted her phone to her other ear, prepared to hear much from her.

“Senpai, there’s nothing wrong…”

There was a slight groan of frustration heard from the phone as she heard Maho slam down what sounded like a pen.

“Nothing wrong? Nothing wrong?” Maho emphasized, her phone escalating in volume and tone. “If Hashida-san has to call me in the middle of the night here randomly and Mayuri-san calling me sounding as if she were in tears means nothing is wrong, then I’m sure nothing is wrong, right?”

Her sarcastic tone was something Kurisu expected, and she rested her head on her hand taking it in with full force. She had meant to call her older friend at some point, but the past day had her feeling lost and the thought of even picking up her phone and talking to anyone had exhausted her enough. Kurisu shook her head after Maho spoke.

“...I’m sorry,” she quietly apologized, almost in a whisper. “I...haven’t had the energy to talk to anyone lately.”

There was a slight silence on the other end, followed by a sigh. Kurisu could tell that Maho was thinking; as scientists, there was an answer to every problem, and she knew enough that her senior was getting frustrated by her ambiguity and unresponsiveness. A sound of what sounded like Maho was shifting her phone was heard, followed by her much subdued voice.

“...what’s wrong? And be honest with me...I’m here to listen.”

When Kurisu said nothing, Maho continued. “I’m here to listen as your friend, and you know me; I won’t judge you for what you’ve been through.”

Kurisu clutched her phone, debate and slight doubt filling her mind. Her mind weighed pros and cons on explaining the situation to her friend, but she shook her head when she realized what she was doing. For years, Maho had always supported her; she was curt and to the point, but those were the aspects that Kurisu respected from her. Maho’s straight-forwardness and sharpness formed her into a confident scientist, and living with her for the past few years made Kurisu realize that Maho’s intentions were only for her own good.

Doubt and fear were two aspects Kurisu realized she had clutched on even more so in the past year and she frowned to herself. When she became more meek over the years was a mystery because she knew; this wasn’t her at all.

And it suddenly hit her, the reason why Maho’s tone was frustrated and almost reproachful-sounding. Maho wasn’t angry at the fact that a solution couldn’t be found; it was her way of voicing worry and fear. She knew that Maho had admitted to her that Kurisu to her was someone she respected. Kurisu never really took it to heart and merely acknowledged it, because she herself respected Maho more than she did herself, but with this realization…she began to see that Maho was concerned for the once confident and decisive individual she once was. Not as a scientist, but as a person who absolutely saw the best in anyone. In the end, Maho knew her more than she knew herself.

The silence between them was extensive and Kurisu half-expected Maho had hung up when she began to speak. When she heard a few papers rustle in the background, however, Kurisu slightly smiled; Maho truly was one of her closest friends.

With an intake of breath, Kurisu breathed in, deciding to hit the topic head-on.

“...did you know? Did you already know everything that...he thought of me?”

Kurisu realized she couldn’t bring herself to speak his name, the thought of him alone causing her to want to lay back in bed. She resisted the urge, however, sitting up and listening to Maho’s response.

“I…” there was a slight hesitation in Maho’s response, something that Kurisu didn’t expect, followed by what sounded like a repressed tone in her response.

“I don’t know all the details,” Maho started. “But in all honesty...that’s something you need to hear from Okabe-san himself.”

Kurisu closed her eyes, expecting a vague answer such as hers. “Then answer me this: do you think that’s the reason why he stopped messaging me?”

Kurisu could tell Maho was biting her lip in contemplation when she didn’t respond right away. There was a small pause again, before Maho responded.

“...yes.”

Kurisu sighed, the pitting feeling in her stomach building again. She still couldn’t comprehend the events from the previous night, and her silence proved as much.

“We…” Kurisu hesitated for a moment before continuing. “We talked the other night. And…” she felt herself choke up and she felt stupid, having to pause and breathe in.

“I figured as much,” Maho responded softly. “Kurisu, this probably isn’t something you want to hear, but…”

Kurisu shook her head. “It’s fine. There’s nothing that can break me down already as it is.”

“You…” Maho contemplated on her choice of words. “The whole ‘not messaging’ thing. You have to understand how much it was for him, and then you stopping messaging him probably also messed him up a bit too.”

Kurisu put a hand to her forehead and groaned. “You knew about that, too?”

“I’m not that dumb to not notice,” Maho responded. “I get that you were in an ever-progressing relationship at the time, but for you to stop messaging Okabe-san after nearly talking to him everyday for the past few years before your relationship was a little unfair.”

Kurisu sighed. She knew Maho was right; her actions reflected that of unintentional selfishness, and the guilt overpowered her thoughts.

“But on the other hand,” Maho followed up softly, “he hardly responded, and I can see why you’re frustrated. Okabe-san isn’t exactly the most direct person; I think, out of all of us, you would know that the most.”

She heard Maho sigh. “I’m not one to dictate what you both should be doing in this friendship of yours, but in the end, as I see it, both of you were at fault in some way. And the build up of things you both haven’t said to each other is the result of where you’re both at now. There was a loss of trust somewhere down the line, and rebuilding it is going to be harder than losing it.”

Maho’s words stung Kurisu, but she knew that the words spoke truth. She opened her mouth to respond, but when no words came out, she hung her head in defeat instead taking in the words as is.

Maho picked up on Kurisu’s silence and spoke with a softer tone.

“On the more positive side, you’re both talking about it now, and that’s a step in a direction,” Maho said. “Other than that…”

Silence filled between both of them as Kurisu began to fidget with her bed covers. While Maho’s words were true, she couldn’t help but feel foolish at the fact that Maho had to see her in such a state. In all her years of knowing her, she couldn’t remember a time when she appeared this vulnerable before her friend and it was embarrassing to a certain degree in her mind as she tried to cope with her current state and taking in the words just spoken.

“Kurisu…” she heard Maho say softly, “I didn’t mean to sound harsh. As your friend...I’m here to tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.”

“With that, though,” Maho continued, “I also want you to feel okay opening up to me. I’m not that great with these kinds of topics, but I want to be there for you as much as I can. So stop thinking you’re alone because you have me. You have Mayuri-san, Faris-san, Urushibara-san, the Hashida family...you have a lot of people around you. Don’t bear the weight of your troubles by yourself, or else we wouldn’t be much friends to you, would we?”

The words which Maho told her were heavy; they weighed on Kurisu’s heart, but they weren’t quite as heavy as her previous argument the other day. They were heavy, but they also uplifted her, a reassurance overwhelming her heart and mind as she realized how supportive the individuals around her were, despite her shortcomings in communication. Kurisu almost laughed to herself; she was being stubborn, and the others had long ago picked up on her difficult behavior and yet still came to her aid no matter what.

“Thank you, Senpai,” Kurisu began slowly. “I’m...I’m not really myself right now, but...I appreciate everything you’ve done.”

She could practically hear the other woman smile on the other line. “That’s what makes you human, Kurisu. I can be there for your best times, but I also want to be there for your worst times, too. We’re not perfect, but that’s the best part.”

Kurisu smiled appreciatively before sighing. “...Sorry that Hashida-san and Mayuri-chan had to call you so late.”

Maho hummed in response. “That’s fine. But….I don’t need to tell you what you need to do next, right?”

Kurisu nodded, feeling a little stronger. “...yes.”

There was a momentary pause before she suddenly heard Maho slightly sigh.

“Wait, Kurisu.”

“Hm?”

She heard Maho click her pen a few times, before the words finally formulated within her friend’s mind. With a lower voice, she spoke.

“Whatever happens, know that I’m still here. Whether things work out or not, I’m not going anywhere; I’ll support your decision, whatever it may be.”

Slight hesitation was heard before she continued with a reassuring voice.

“I just want you to be true to yourself, Kurisu.”

Kurisu took in her senior’s words, nodding slowly. While she appreciated the notion of Maho always being there, she realized from this point forward it was her own battle to face; regardless, the support she never knew she needed was behind her, and she nodded her head in agreement.

“....don’t worry about me, Senpai. You’ve done enough; and I appreciate all that you’ve endured because of me so far.”

A slight chuckle was heard on the line. “I’m here by choice, so I’m with you in the long run.” She could hear Maho slightly smile with her next words.

“Take care of yourself, alright?”

Kurisu nodded slowly, already forming a plan within her head.

“Of course. Thanks again.”

------

October 11, 2018 (PM, afternoon)

Okabe stepped down the small step into the park area, hands tucked in his pockets as he walked towards the bench which he was asked to be met at. Why Mayuri had randomly called him to the park was beyond him, but stopped wondering why she did half the things she performed, knowing she had a reason behind everything.

With this meeting, though, he wanted to shake off that it meant something more.

He spotted her sitting on the bench already, her hand waving at him with a beaming smile on her face. She had what looked like a couple of cake boxes, coming to the conclusion that she probably needed help bringing them back to her home.

When he came closer, she stood up and gave him a warm hug, he reciprocating in a warm manner. As she pulled away and led him towards the bench, she smiled.

“Mayushii is so happy to see you, Okarin!” she exclaimed.

He gave a small laugh. “You mean you’re happy that you’re getting help bringing these back home, right?”

Mayuri laughed nervously. “Eh...well, that too. Faris-san had so many extra sweets that would be a waste to throw away.”

Okabe frowned. “And that’s going to end up in my house somehow, I bet.”

Mayuri smiled in return. “That’s one of the perks of living by Mayushii, right?”

At her smile, he couldn’t help but smile back; the warmth of her personality warmed up the bitter cold he had been feeling the past few days. He began to fidget with his phone in one of his coat pockets, a feeling he had been trying to avoid as he tried to refocus his attention on Mayuri. The younger girl merely looked up at him and looked off into the distance as she sat on the bench, her smile lessening.

“You know, I’m really glad to see you smile today.”

Okabe gave her a confused expression as he sat next to her, still fidgeting with his phone in his pocket. When he didn’t respond, she slightly frowned, eyes in contemplation.

“Mayushii can tell something is on Okarin’s mind.”

Okabe stiffened at her words, trying to remain neutral in his expressions as he waited for her to continue. When she didn’t speak, however, he realized that she was waiting for him to answer. He knew that if he didn’t say what was on his mind, she wouldn’t ask again, but he also knew how rude it was to shut her out of his personal life; she had been there every single step in his life and to shut her out now was something of an injustice to her selflessness all these years.

All the same, he felt himself dreading bringing up the topic. He was never one to talk about his feelings on the subject; the closest it had been surfaced was through his conversation with Daru a few days prior, but even then, it felt stiff and guarded. Looking back now, Okabe knew that he should have talked about it and that Daru was only helping him; even now, he knew that Mayuri was helping him, but…

He heard Mayuri hum softly before she began to stand up, dusting off her skirt as she stood. She smiled a bit at Okabe.

“Well, I guess we should take these home now….”

Something stirred within Okabe as he watched her stand up, a bittersweet smile on her expression. It was something that softened his heart and before he could stop himself, he found himself grabbing on to Mayuri’s wrist as she began to reach for the boxes, her stopping with surprise. She didn’t so much flinch, but she was puzzled as she slowly released the boxes back to their place on the bench.

“Okarin…?”

He loosened his grip on her wrist, realizing that he must have grabbed her with more force than he intended, and was at a loss of words; when he couldn’t figure out what to say, he merely tugged at her, a signal she took as sitting back on the bench, her eyes in question as she stared at him. When he didn’t speak, Mayuri slowly loosened his hand around her wrist and placed her hand in his instead, an action she so often did when he couldn’t find the words to say to her. With a slight squeeze, she looked straight in front of her, slight concern lacing her words as she spoke.

“...Mayushii doesn’t know what’s going on, but I know you’re hurting, Okarin. And...it hurts Mayushii too. But even if Mayushii doesn’t know what’s going on, just know that Mayushii is always here, okay?”

Okabe kept his gaze away from Mayuri’s as he stared off into the distance as well. He knew that the younger girl already picked up on his aloof personality, growing more so in the recent two years. With a heavy heart, he slowly and selectively chose his next words, a regretful tone within them as he spoke.

“...if you were faced with a decision that could potentially ruin the only connection you had with someone, would you still explain to them your viewpoint, or leave everything as is?”

With his question, he heard Mayuri softly chuckle, a reaction which he didn’t expect. He eyed her curiously, feigned offense in his eyes.

“Hey, what’s so funny about what I asked?”

Mayuri finally looked at him, a soft smile on her expression. “It’s just, that doesn’t sound like the Okarin that Mayushii knows.”

Okabe watched her, confused, as she turned her gaze away from him once more. “Mayushii knows Okarin. Okarin does whatever he can for the people he cares for; sometimes he’s reckless, but that’s the charm of it all. He still pushes forward even if it meant sacrificing a bit of his sanity, to say the least.”

She frowned suddenly as she paused, her eyes becoming more guarded. “But because Mayushii knows Okarin, Mayushii can also see that he’s suffering. He wants to tell the person he loves most how much he loves her, but he can’t because he’s afraid what would happen to their bond.”

Okabe almost choked hearing Mayuri’s words; while correct, it was said so bluntly and straightforward, and he felt himself slightly flush from her words. From his peripheral vision, he could see her smile a bit again and he felt another gentle squeeze from her hand.

“Mayushii doesn’t know what happened in the past few years, but it’s clear enough that it’s done a lot of hurt for Okarin.”

She looked up at him again, and this time, a serious expression spread across her as she stared at him directly.

“It’s been so many years since Mayushii has known you, and Mayushii thinks it’s about time that you should be kinder to yourself.” He felt her grasp his hand a little more firm this time with a bittersweet smile on her face.

“You have a hard time opening up, but Mayushii thinks it’s high time that you’re honest not only to yourself, but to Kurisu-chan as well. She’ll appreciate it, really.”

Okabe blinked away, turning from her honest eyes and he shook his head. Leave it to Mayuri to hit the nail on the head for his conflicting emotions; nothing could be hidden from her, even his inner conflicts and thoughts regarding the person in question. But it was that honesty and straightforwardness that he’s noticed has grown within Mayuri; while straightforward before, Mayuri now presents in soft but firm confidence, delicately guiding the people whom she loved in the best way suitable for the individual. There was something about her upfront honesty that developed over the years that allowed her to not only be a guide but an even more close and precious friend than before. The selflessness which she portrayed over the years had only grown, with the intent to always help others before herself.

Okabe felt the inner emotions conflicting once more as he breathed in, an attempt to keep himself together. When he couldn’t find the words to speak in full sentences, he spoke simply instead, hoping it would convey the feelings he felt inside.

“...I’m afraid.”

Mayuri nodded. “I know.”

His vision began to blur. “She means a lot to me, more than I can explain.”

A nod again. “I know.”

He felt himself breaking apart again, only the second time he had done so over so many years; for a moment, he felt weak and unexplainably disgusted with himself, showing the vulnerable side of him to her, but realized that she was the last person to ever judge him and it was enough for him to rub his temples in an attempt to hide potential tears again.

“...I love her.”

The last few words came out barely above a whisper, a confession he hadn’t ever dare to say aloud at all; it were those last words that had broken all walls as he grasped Mayuri’s hand, the only thing he felt grounded to at that moment. No tears ran this time, he was grateful for that, but it was replaced with a raw sadness that ate away his inner thoughts and insides. He felt Mayuri release her grasp from his as she pulled him closer to her in a warm embrace. The cooler weather had been a chill to his heart, but as he felt her arms around him, feeling the care and honest compassion from her, he sighed as he realized those last few words were what needed to be said out of his heart. He could feel Mayuri rubbing his back in slow, reassuring circles as she spoke quietly.

“I know.”

They sat in quiet silence for a few moments, letting the weather and the day become gradually cooler. Okabe didn’t overlook the fact that she had, for once, used “I” to refer to herself; it were little things such as that had him realize the difference in tone and seriousness Mayuri had taken into speaking with him. For the first time, Okabe felt comfort since Kurisu’s arrival in Japan; though not completely strong, he knew that the broken pieces of himself were supported by everyone in the lab, most especially by Mayuri. He sighed deeply; despite his emotional state, she still stayed around for him, carefully regarding his unannounced feelings all these years and patiently waiting for the day until he proclaimed it himself. Mayuri was of a different kind, he realized, and feelings of appreciation felt nearly not enough to truly feel the over-bursting emotions of gratefulness for her in his heart.

Instead, he smiled a bit, response in tow to her previous answer.

“If you know so much, then what is it that you don’t know?”

Mayuri laughed a little, picking up on his attempt to be light hearted once more.

“I don’t know why Okarin is still moping near Mayushii when Mayushii has said all that she can.”

Okabe laughed a little at her joke; though there was a heaviness still lying in his heart as he sat up straight, he realized that the only way to move was forward. She had given him more than enough strength to keep going, and it was all he could do to move on his own.

Mayuri stood up from their bench spot, picking up a few boxes as she did so. She smiled a bit, nodding at the rest of them.

“Help Mayushii bring them back home, okay?”

------

October 11, 2018 (Early Evening)

Okabe only stayed briefly to drop off Mayuri back at her home (couple of boxes in tow in his arms, his suspicions correct about taking a few home with him) before turning back towards the direction of his home. He vaguely felt his phone vibrate in his pocket as he walked off, surmising to himself to take a look at it once he was in the confines of his room; he wasn’t sure if he was ready to face what the message said, since he had a vague feeling on who it was that sent it.

As soon as Okabe was out of sight, Mayuri sighed a breath of relief, going inside once more to grab her purse. It was early evening by this time, and she knew it’d be a shot in the dark to attempt, but she decided in her heart that it was the only way, seeing how the current situation was.

She made her way down the streets back to the train station, hoping the lines towards Ginza weren’t as crowded with the rush hour traffic.

---

October 11, 2018 (PM, Early Evening)

Kurisu sighed as she grasped the plastic bag in her hand, her dinner (and in fact, her only meal of the day) in tow. She hadn’t had much of an appetite as of late, but the realization of eating and maintaining a decent amount of strength overrode her emotions, as rationale naturally took over. She wasn’t one to succumb to her emotions and it made her feel weak and disgusted with herself, so she tried her best to maintain a bit of normalcy that she was used to prior to the current situation.

She frowned as she glanced at her phone once more, her Rine message clearly unresponded to. While it was short and implied her intentions, she also wished a response in likewise would be sent, as some reassurance.

Me (16:40) I’ll be going to the lab tomorrow evening. (read)

While it wasn’t the clearest message, she surmised, she also knew that she didn’t need to explain herself; with the way their last conversation ended, it was clear that they both needed to talk again, whether it be a good outcome or not. The only reassurance that she received from the message was the small “read” receipt that marked his acknowledgement to her message; he had seen it, and since he didn’t have any other responses, she concluded that he would be there as well.

It still unsettled her, however, as the same raw feeling from this morning tempted to eat its way back into her inner emotions. She clutched her plastic bag a little tighter, power walking faster towards the automatic doors of her hotel. She suddenly felt bare and exposed, the need to want to hide in her room beginning to seep back into her. It was an unending cycle of confidence and fear, something completely different than her rational mind was accustomed to.

Her intention was to make a beeline for the elevators to return to her room, but a faint color of familiar light blue and pink caught her eye as she realized someone had stood the moment she entered through the automatic doors. Turning in surprise, her eyes widened as the individual smiled apologetically, waving her over to the lobby chairs.

Kurisu power walked towards the younger girl, who embraced her into a warm hug almost immediately.

“Mayuri?! W-why...how?”

Mayuri pulled away, still smiling as she did so. She pulled up her phone and nodded apologetically.

“Sorry, Kuris-chan, Mayushii asked Hiyajo-san where you were staying because it was so hard to remember…”

Kurisu shook her head. “Oh, no, it’s fine; in fact, I’m happy to see you.”

Mayuri’s eyes lit up, warming Kurisu’s heart a bit more. “Really? Mayushii is so glad to hear that!” Mayuri turned back around towards her purse and seat, Kurisu following suit as she sat on the seat across from her. Mayuri sat down as well, her smile slightly diminishing with the next few words.

“Mayushii was just...worried that Kuris-chan wouldn’t want to be seen right now.”

Kurisu glanced at Mayuri, understanding the implication of her words. While the words of the argument between her and Okabe still rang in her ears, she couldn’t imagine the position which Mayuri found herself in.

After she had shut the door of the lab apartment, Kurisu found herself crying with unexplainable emotions; it was confusing to her, to realize that her heart cared for Okabe more than she could fully understand, that it caused her to break down almost immediately afterwards.

What she didn’t know as she broke down, was that Mayuri had been standing on the stairs of the stairwell for some time, a shocked look in her eyes as she witnessed Kurisu unfold before her. Mayuri slowly approached Kurisu as she cried, keeping her in her arms until the tears no longer flowed and only hiccups remained.

The journey from the lab back to her hotel was a blur afterwards; she could only vaguely remember telling Mayuri where to go, and nearly collapsing on to her bed as soon as she was in the room. She also remembered Mayuri gently bringing her towards the shower, a task Kurisu somehow managed to perform in her harried state, with a quick bath which Mayuri had prepared while she showered. As soon as she was dry, she remembered Mayuri telling her to sit near the sink of the restroom as she came in with a chair; Mayuri proceeded to unwrap the towel from her head and gently combed out her hair as she dried it with a blow dryer.

She couldn’t be bothered to eat, she remembered, and automatically went to bed. Mayuri had draped the heavy blankets over her and everything else went black afterwards.

With the way Maho had called her earlier this morning, Kurisu concluded that Mayuri probably had called her right after.

The events of the previous day began to flash in Kurisu’s mind and she couldn’t help but feel a mix of shame and appreciativeness towards the younger girl; Mayuri had done more than she could have asked for, and for her to visit her again had her feeling unsettled with riddled guilt.

As if sensing it, Mayuri shook her head.

“Don’t worry about Mayushii, Kurisu-chan; you have a lot to think about as it is.”

Kurisu slowly nodded, sighing as she did so.

“...thank you.”

She earned a smile from Mayuri, who merely watched her with careful regard. Kurisu looked away, the unsettling feeling coming in once more. As if to break the small silence, Mayuri spoke quietly.

“You know...Mayushii was really worried. Everything that happened…”

Kurisu clutched the corner of her cardigan, guilt overcoming her.

“I’m sorry, I’m…” Kurisu took in a deep breath before continuing. “I’m sorry you had to see that, that you had to get involved in this, that you had to hear everything…”

Mayuri slightly frowned. “That’s okay; Mayushii was...on the way to check on Okarin, anyway.”

Kurisu began to fidget with her cardigan, words escaping her as she debated how to approach the topic. When nothing else came to mind, she merely glanced away, slight shame in her voice.

“...how much did you hear?”

When Mayuri gave no response, Kurisu only sighed. Her silence spoke volumes as Kurisu shamefully downcasted her eyes.

“This issue…”

“This issue is something Mayushii should have checked on a long time ago,” Mayuri interjected gently. “Kurisu-chan...there are some things that you have to realize about Okarin; he...he’s changed a lot, you know?”

She shook her head. “Of course you know. That’s a silly statement.”

Kurisu hitched a breath; she wasn’t surprised that Mayuri would understand the close friendship she had with Okabe years ago, but the current predicament made it feel like that had all happened in another life time.

A tingling sense of familiarity overcame her again when that thought crossed her mind, but she shook it off again.

Mayuri continued. “Okarin...he never yells about anything. Maybe when it’s Kyouma speaking, but...Okarin himself never really yells or protest about anything.”

She glanced up at Kurisu, a bittersweet smiling forming. “And that’s why, Mayushii thinks whatever happened was so important.”

“It didn’t sound pleasant,” Mayuri continued, “but Mayushii knows it’s a step into some direction. Somewhere that the two of you have never crossed before. Whether it’s...good or bad, Mayushii doesn’t know, but the only thing Mayushii can tell you is this.”

She gently took Kurisu’s hand in hers and clasped it firmly. “Okarin only really speaks up when he cares about something so much, that his heart can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t like to let anyone in...and Mayushii believes you know that.”

“So this means that whatever is bothering Okarin is really bothering him; that tells Mayushii that this is important.”

She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again, a bittersweet look in her eyes. “Mayushii can’t tell you what to do, but…”

Mayuri nodded a bit before speaking in a more subdued tone. There was a heaviness in her tone, and Kurisu took note of it as she spoke.

“...trust him, okay? Trust that Okarin will eventually be able to tell you everything you need to know, because...he will one day. Maybe not tonight, but Mayushii believes he will.”

She gave a squeeze on Kurisu’s hand as she gave a small smile. “And trust yourself, Kurisu-chan. Mayushii think you’re being too hard on yourself, but you know more than you think you do and it’s time you listen to yourself here,” Mayuri points at the location of Kurisu’s heart, “rather than up here,” she finishes as she points to her head.

“What’s going on up here is making you not think clearly…! So Mayushii thinks it’s time that you really start listening to yourself.”

She gave a nod again, as she smiled. “Everything will be alright, okay? Mayushii believes in both of you.”

The way her hand was wrapped around Mayuri’s with such a wide smile on the younger girl’s face...Kurisu felt both ashamed and elated at Mayuri’s support at the same time. It was enough to leave her in a loss of words as she couldn’t figure out a response to say in earnest, mouth attempting to form words with no sound coming through. Mayuri laughed at Kurisu’s reaction and she shook her head.

“Mayushii is okay. Okarin will be okay. And you, Kurisu-chan will be okay too. Take it one step at a time, okay?’’

One step.

One step towards reunion, or destruction?

This, Kurisu told herself, will never leave her thoughts as she thought of the worst case scenario: Okabe not showing up or even listening to her thoughts.

But Mayuri was right. Trust yourself, and you’ll be able to trust the ones you love.

She’d have to do this simultaneously, Kurisu realized, but it was now or never.

With a thankful heart, Kurisu took Mayuri’s hand, tears slightly brimming her eyes as she smiled back. There were no words of appreciation she could express, and she found herself only being able to nod, much to Mayuri’s amusement as she laughed a little at Kurisu’s response.

“Mayuri…” Kurisu started as she nodded. “I will. I’ll listen to you, to what he says, and most of all..what I feel too.”

Mayuri smiled at her response as she stood and gave Kurisu a warm and enveloping hug, full of a reassurance which Kurisu took full-heartedly.

“I’ll always be here, okay?”

---------

The words of Mayuri were the only thing moving her forward; she felt she would’ve backtracked otherwise.

But there was no backing out anymore; now, or never.

Trust him. Trust what your feelings say.

Kurisu began to walk up the steps of the lab; upon entering the room and placing her shoes off to the side, the familiar backside of his figure came into view as he was turned away from her, sitting on the computer desk chair.

She inhaled and exhaled, and with a burdened heart, she spoke.

“...please listen to what I have to say.”

#okakuriweek2019 #steins;gate #okakuri #blooming drabbles s;g

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aswithasunbeam · 5 years

Note

Would you ever write a fic about Ham and that ghost story he made up (with his friend or cousin or someone) and people of New York got spooked?

I love that story! The fact that he had to issue a public statement assuring everyone that ghosts were not in fact real just cracks me up–I’d love to tackle his annoyance and frustration at the aftermath in a fic!

I did make an attempt at writing the underlying prank in my longer fic, “Finding Forgiveness.” Here’s that first part of chapter 10 as a stand alone:

Eliza, February 1799

“Should we not rejoin the party?” Hamilton asked. His breath was hot on her face, and his voice was rough with passion. She nuzzled her nose against his as she shook her head.

“Not yet,” she whispered, clutching at his shoulders as she kissed him again.

They were standing in a shadowy servants’ corridor, the laughter and conversation of her sister’s dinner party a dull hum in the background.

Her husband had donned his new uniform for the occasion. She ran her fingers along the golden fringe of his epaulets as she pressed herself closer to him. He always looked so handsome in a uniform.

He obliged her request to remain, tightening his hold of her waist as he deepened the kiss. She hummed in satisfaction and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Mm, I love you,” she sighed when they pulled back for air.

He buried his head in her neck and planted a soft kiss just above her collarbone as he squeezed her against him.

It wasn’t that everything was fixed between them, she considered, brushing her fingers over the silky ribbon holding his clubbed hair in place.

She still found herself angry, or insecure, or jealous at times. The open wound of his betrayal had become a pink, tender scar that still ached if bumped the wrong way.

Yet, a more open communication between them did wonders for their relationship. Instead of retreating from him while she tried to bury the hurt, she could tell him what she was feeling. Seeing his sincere remorse and regret, hearing his apologies and his declarations of undying love, helped more than she’d initially anticipated.

“Where has Hamilton gone off to?” Angelica’s voice rose above the dull roar of conversation, just audible to them in the hall.

Eliza sighed as her husband straightened in her arms, and she stretched to press a last, loving kiss to his lips. She could feel him smiling into the kiss and her own lips quirked upwards in response. “Yes, all right, let’s go back,” she agreed at last.

She ran her hands over her dress as she followed her husband’s path back to the lively parlor.

Angelica had talked her into purchasing a dress in the new style, cut high at the waist and low over the bosom, with puffy short sleeves.

She’d paired it with a shawl, ostensibly for warmth against the winter chill, but also to preserve some of her modesty: she still felt slightly uncomfortable with the amount of skin on display. In fact, when she’d first tried it on, she’d been half considering returning the dress to

the tailor and purchasing something more traditional. That is, until Hamilton had walked into the dressing room and stopped abruptly, staring openly at her.

“Do you like it?” she’d asked, turning sideways togive him a view of the dress in silhouette. He hadn’t replied. Her only answer had been how quickly he’d torn it off her. The simpler design had certainly helped on that front, she recalled with a smirk.

Hamilton joined a circle of men and women conversing, inserting himself beside Church and Angelica as he accepted a glass of wine. Eliza slid her arm into the crook of his and leaned against him, too distracted to properly take in the conversation. Everyone seemed to be focusing on one of the new guests, a Polish traveler named Julian Niemcewicz, who was regaling the company with the tale of his visit to Mount Vernon.

“The house itself seemed to me alive with history,” the gentleman continued, “Such that one could feel the spirits of its great visitors within its walls.”

She felt her husband perk up at the sentence.

“My dear nephew, Captain Church,” Hamilton gestured towards Phil vaguely as he spoke, “Returned from a trip to Newark with quite an interesting tale regarding your relationship with spirits.”

Niemcewicz’s eyes lit up with mischief. “Did he?”

“He informed me that you had learned from General Kościuszko the secrets of summoning the dead.” Eliza felt a chill go up her spine at the blasphemous statement. She tightened her hold of her husband’s arm.

“My dear General did indeed entrust me with that magical Secret,” Niemcewicz confirmed.

“I thought perhaps you might grace us with a demonstration,” Hamilton suggested.

Eliza stared up at her husband, perplexed. Why would he encourage such an unchristian display? As if feeling her gaze, he glanced down at her and winked imperceptibly. That did little to answer her questions.

“If you insist, my dear General Hamilton,” Niemcewicz agreed with a bow. “I will need you to step out of the room and close the doors behind you, if you do not mind. We shall determine which spirit to call forth from the beyond when you have left us.”

Hamilton nodded, bowed graciously, and departed the parlor, leaving his glass on a table and closing the doors behind him with a soft tap. Church went to a side table to retrieve a card and carefully wrote something down, Angelica leaning far over his shoulder as he did so. While Church handed the card to Niemcewicz, Angelica joined her, a broad grin stretching her pretty face.

“What fun,” Angelica whispered.

Eliza took a deep breath, much less enthusiastic about this turn of events. She looked over to the opposite corner of the room, where Phil and Kitty were standing with Pip and Angelica, the young cousins chattering excitedly as Niemcewicz prepared for the demonstration. Pip looked like a perfect young gentleman in his newly tailored suit, and her daughter shined in a new dress, her thick dark curls arranged to dangle elegantly around her face and neck. They were growing up so quickly, she thought.

“Mr. Church has asked me to summon the spirit of Baron de Vioménil,” Niemcewicz declared, gesturing for them to form a circle around him.

Eliza recognized the name as one of the French officers who had served bravely under Rochambeau at the Battle of Yorktown. He’d later been shot in the violence of the French Revolution and succumbed some months later due to complications from his injury. She remembered Hamilton being upset at the news, citing the tragedy as one of the reasons he could never support the bloody upheaval in France.

Niemcewicz began to recite incantations, his eyes closed in concentration. After a few moments, he picked up a small mallet and began to tap on a bell in a measured pattern, striking it several times, then pausing, only to begin to strike it again. The strange ceremony continued until the doors of the parlor swung open.

Her heart clenched in her chest at the sight of her husband. His face was pale and his eyes were wide with shock. He seemed to be shaking slightly, as though overcome with emotion. He spoke in a breathy voice, “I…I saw the Baron. Baron de Vioménil. He appeared to me just as he was at Yorktown.”

“Did he speak?” Church asked, striding to her husband’s side.

“Yes,” Hamilton answered. “Yes, some conversation passed between us, but I am not at liberty to report upon its substance.”

A wave of shocked whispers began to emanate from the guests.

Eliza hurried to Hamilton’s side, eager to comfort him from the shock, hardly able to wrap her mind around the implications that such a ceremony could truly raise the spirits of the dead. She pulled him into an embrace and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Are you all right, sweetheart?”

Others were coming over as well, all pressing for more details about this extraordinary visitation. Hamilton shook his head; he appeared overwhelmed by the experience. His hand brushed over her back as he extracted himself from her arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I…I need a moment.”

He departed the room, leaving Eliza to watch him retreat towards the same servants’ corridor in which they’d shared their intimate moment. She was about to follow when Angelica grasped her elbow. The amusement had disappeared from her expression. “You should give him a moment alone,” Angelica advised.

She hesitated, then shook her head. Not once in the time she’d known him had her husband ever wanted to be alone. She followed his path into the corridor.

He was leaning against the wall, his shoulders quaking slightly. Was he crying? She reached out, laying a palm against his shoulder blade.

“You’re all right, darling,” she soothed. Stepping closer, she craned her neck to try to see his face in the dim light. He had his fist pressed to his lips. “I’m sure that was a terrible shock.”

He turned around to face her. The light caught his face more fully, and she noticed with a jolt that amusement lit his eyes. She narrowed her eyes. “Are…are you…are you laughing?”

His fist came away from his face to reveal his dazzling smile. Her jaw fell open and she smacked him in the arm. “You scared me. I thought you were distraught.”

“Just a little jest for the amusement of the company,” he explained, still laughing. His face was alight with good humor. “Church and Niemcewicz helped.”

The joke seemed in poor taste to her sensibility, like testing fate or a harbinger of ill events. Perceiving the lack of amusement on her part, he sobered. “Are you angry with me, Betsey?”

She sighed. His obvious amusement made it difficult to stay vexed with him. The pressure of his new duties in the army combined with the legal cases he took on the side to help meet their increased expenses made moments of unfettered happiness something of a rarity.

She gave him a half smile. “You big goof.”

He laughed again and took her in his arms. “You know,” he remarked, his lips ghosting over the skin just below her ear, “This is one of the best dinner parties I’ve attended in quite some time.”

“We’ve spent the better part of it hiding in a servants’ corridor,” she argued vaguely.

“Exactly.”

She laughed. “Philip and Angelica seem to be enjoying themselves,” she remarked as she stroked her hands down his back. “They both look so grown up, dressed in their best and partaking in conversation with the adults.”

He pulled away to look at her. “Pip will be graduating from Columbia soon,” he agreed. “Embarking on his own career in the law.”

“And Angelica will have suitors calling any day,” she added.

His lip curled in distaste. “Not if I have a say in it.”

“She’s nearly fifteen. It’s bound to happen sooner or later.”

“Later. Much later. When she’s twenty-five, maybe thirty, she’ll be free to court whomsoever she chooses.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “You courted me when I was twenty-two,” she reminded him. “And at that age I already felt like an old maid.”

He scoffed. “You were a baby.”

“So were you,” she smiled, placing her hand on his cheek and stroking her thumb over his cheekbone. The sight of him in uniform had been making her nostalgic for those coveted visits from her dashing Colonel. She cocked her head to the side and smiled as she glimpse that young, ambitious man underneath her husband’s graying hair and laugh lines.

He turned his face slightly sideways to press a little kiss against her palm.

“I’m not ready for them to be so grown up,” he lamented, thoughts returning to their children.

“I don’t think you have a say, dearest.”

He wrinkled his nose comically in response, prompting another laugh from her. His gaze softened as he looked at her. “Let’s have another.”

“Another what?”

“Another baby.”

“Six wasn’t enough for you?” she asked.

Truthfully, the thought of another child had weighed heavily on her mind the past several months. William was nearly two and fully weened. Another pregnancy was a distinct possibility, especially considering how very close and intimate they had been with each other of late. She worried about adding another child to their brood given their strained budget; it did her heart good to hear him raise the possibility with such apparent joy.

“They’re getting too big. We need more little ones,” he answered.

“It’s definitely your turn to carry this one,” she teased.

He snorted with amusement. “We’ll see what happens.”

He kissed her again, and she sank into his embrace. All those months of pain and heartache seemed a distant memory here in his arms. She relished their growing intimacy and the renewed strength of their bond. Together, as they were now, she thought boldly, they could face anything.

#alexander hamilton #eliza hamilton #ghost story #prank #hamliza #prompt #ask

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