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it's a story about hands (reprise)

Yeah, okay, today's the day.

I gave my blog that title for a reason, you know, and it has loomed over me for years because the hand motif is absolutely everywhere and you could go on about it forever.

Maybe that's something I'll never actually attempt to do, but this chapter, we reached a breaking point.

Before I continue, I need to give a big, big disclaimer: I do not have a physical disability, so I'm not able to speak about that from the standpoint of representation as a first-hand perspective. I have at least listened to enough disabled people to know that fictional characters who become amputees only to miraculously gain their limbs back is, um, a trope. Disabled people in general being "healed" is a conception we would really prefer to avoid here. Not to call people out, but I don't think we're giving enough space to acknowledge that.

I don’t feel comfortable making the judgement call about what should happen. I’m leaving that open. I also don't want to downplay people's emotional reactions. Honestly, I don't know if I can accurately define the line between acknowledging real pain vs. ableist pity. But I’d like to talk about the possibilities of what could happen. Other characters have definitely gotten permanent disabilities as a result of their hero work, or even just the side effects of their quirk. But, for better or worse, I don't think this case is really about representation. Not that Horikoshi won't do that justice. He might. What I'm saying is that's not his purpose for having Izuku lose his arms. It's meant to be symbolic, so we can explore what it means. The other thing I’m keeping in mind here is that Horikoshi is notorious for playing with our expectations, like, alllllll the time. I mean, just take a few chapters ago for a classic example. Eri appeared at the end, and we all assumed she was about to take some sort of action to save someone with her quirk. Then, immediately following, we were given an explanation for why that wouldn’t be happening. And now it’s clear he wanted to do that “fake out” not just as a silly cliffhanger prank, but specifically so we would know not to suspect that Eri could be the miraculous solution to Izuku’s loss of his arms. Rest assured, there is no easy way out of this.

The expectation at play in this particular instance is an old one. It’s very understated, but its subtext has burned so brightly, you’d be a fool not to notice it. It sits with anticipation like one half of a call and response. Man, I was so certain. Lots of people still are. I was really looking forward to printing the panel where it happened onto a t shirt and wearing it proudly. All the hand motifs in this story radiate thematically from a single moment, the one that started it all for Izuku.

It raises all kinds of questions about the act of saving, who needs saving, why, what does it mean, what are the dynamics of power, politics, honesty, exploitation, compassion, pity, disdain, sacrifice. Katsuki has dealt with many of these since he first rejected Izuku’s hand. While Izuku was the one who was convinced Katsuki would keep on rejecting him…

…Katsuki was the one who kept that moment in his mind all these years and eventually came to regret it.

Katsuki is the one yearning for that hand-hold, the one who has imbued it with so much more weight than it ever originally had. Izuku, in contrast, does not allow himself to dwell on what he wants. To illustrate this difference, we need to look at another piece of foreshadowing:

Ugh, do y'all remember when lots of folks were complaining about how there never seemed to be actual consequences for Izuku's destructive treatment of his own body? I don't blame them, I was concerned and confused about it too. There were several "fixes" along the way. Recovery Girl healed him, but left a physical reminder. Then he started training to fight with his legs… sometimes. Then he got support items. All of these were unsatisfying non-conclusions because they didn't present Izuku with a lasting enough impression to change in a meaningful way. They didn't address his core, his origin.

Of course, that all changed this chapter. Now it looks like our frustration was inflicted intentionally. With the current context in mind, all of these moments look more sinister, like this day was always gonna come because they kept putting bandaids on a deep emotional and psychological wound. The problem is pretty much spelled out for us here:

As Katsuki put it, he just doesn’t take himself into account, ya know? He doesn’t care what happens to him. And he lies about it, to keep others from worrying, to keep them safe. To keep them from returning the favor and putting themselves in harm’s way for his sake. His motivations are noble,

…but what about the little boy inside Izuku? Who saves him?

This is all about Izuku giving himself up to the point that he literally has no more to give. The thing is, I bet he saw this coming. He knew his limits and decided to keep going anyway, because his personal safety and wellbeing are not important. Now that way of thinking has come back to bite him because the fight isn’t over yet, and he’s already made his sacrifice. So now we know who will be more distraught over this. Not Izuku—Katsuki.

It’s not about Izuku becoming disabled, it’s about how Katsuki wanted to use the intertwining of their fingers to communicate that he would never let go. Never stop valuing him most. Never let himself make the mistake of rejecting him again. Never let Izuku be so reckless with his life. To say: “we are in this together.”…if only Katsuki believed he deserved to be able to say such things. To reach out his hand would have been the ultimate way to simply imply them and let Izuku be the one to decide. Then, to feel their hands clasped together would be more than either of them dared hope for, but so beautiful, so right. A moment they’ve waited their whole lives for.

Yeah. That’s what we were expecting. We’ve been so comfortable. Horikoshi gave us all the signs. He tempted and teased us over and over. BUT. You know he does this thing were he gives us a desirable, completely plausible and simple thing to look forward to, and then he snatches it away. And THEN he replaces it with something much better, something we were not expecting at all because it seemed too good to be true. That’s exactly what happened when Himiko snatched Izuku away, and we were robbed of the chance to see him and Katsuki fight together. In hindsight, though, I’m glad things went a different way because now there’s so much more depth and angst on display. Likewise, in the present moment, we may consider how, as one door closes, another opens.

As wonderfully meaningful as the hand-hold would have been, perhaps it is still too simple a resolution for Izuku, for his and Katsuki’s relationship. Tbh, it could have been done like 100 chapter ago. At this point, there’s so much more potential. There are a couple of ways it could go. If Izuku stays armless, Katsuki will be forced to use other methods to get his point across. He’ll have to do something else, or say what he means, or both. Yes, I’m talking about what you think I’m talking about. If I say it, I just might jinx it (lol), but I mean it. I’m being serious. Either way, if Izuku did get his arms back in the end, I’m sure that it wouldn’t be an easy fix. It would be hard-won against Izuku’s self-destructive mindset, and/or by Katsuki’s conviction. Again, I say this knowing it is not meant so much as a representation of disability, but as a representation of Izuku’s greatest character flaw taken to the extreme. I know this might sound harsh, like, hasn’t he been through enough? I get that, but… I’ve said it before and I say it again: Izuku is stubborn as hell.

I wish I had a resounding final note to end this on, but I kinda don’t. I’m not sure what’s best. Now we just have to wait and see what Horikoshi has in mind.

...and when the last blood-beast comes to rest unto the Earth, what next will arrive to inherit it?

i drew this sci fi piece for my portfolio, but it also turned loosely into a marcoace au because my brain got zoomies

short version: guy on a joyride (coughs ace) accidentally travels to another world filled with mythological-ish creatures, but they're actually all robots mimicking life with no real sentience of their own - except one lone, lonely consciousness (coughs marco) whose mind was digitally preserved before the rest of organic life got wiped out, and has been waiting a long time for a friend

long nerdy version under the cut:

ace's world is a fun and scrappy sci fi future world, with stuff like his hovercraft that syncs to his body's movements too

he was out riding with deuce and got too caught up in the thrill of flying that he went way out of safe bounds (not pictured: deuce panicking) and got swallowed by a giant sky beast

somehow (i haven't thought that hard about it) he appears in marco's world after this - when i first had this idea i was just thinking of a literal reference to the philosophical concept of animals as other worlds/animal alterity, a la Barbara Noske), plus i like the idea of gateways being where you least expect them

anyway yeah he gets isekai'd

enter: marco's world!! this is a land where organic life once thrived, including sentient beings (i haven't decided if they were also humans), but all organic life has long since died out and given way to a new, constructed "ecology"

it's full of seemingly mythological-ish creatures (phoenix, dragon, etc. but all are also warped from what we would imagine)!! but SIKE they are actually robots; cybernetic constructs!!! each one goes through the motions of life for many years until they steadily break down. their parts get recycled and they are remade to spawn from egg-like structures (like the one in the bottom left corner of the drawing)

and who is remaking them? MARCO! aka the last, lone remaining consciousness from the sentient race that died out. his mind was preserved digitally, but by the time he awoke he only remembers snapshots of his original life. he continuously cares for and builds all the robots, and uploads himself into different bodies whenever he wants, but no matter what he tries he can't recreate anything truly alive with its own free will

so he's lonely and sad

basically the whole thing was an exploration of the concept of a man-made mythos! and the boundaries of what defines life, will, sentience, etc. etc.

but when he meets ace - a real, living breathing organic human - it will change his life! because............because...i haven't thought that far

many questions remain...is ace's world a past version of marco's? will he find a way to restore organic life to marco's world? should he even do that? will he find a way back home? will they kiss? ? will marco get a human body?? will i ever make something bigger from this or even turn it back into ocs instead of op characters??? will they wear wigs???? when will they wear wigs????????? who knows!

but for now it is what it is hehe

i doubt anyone read all that, but if you did, thank you for your time....here i reward you with a secret:

below is an early sketch of this illustration, and underneath that, the composition originally came from A FAILED DRAWING OF MARCO!!!

the brainrot goes deep :')

I'm still thinking about banner bearers as I continue working on my Obscure Blorbo Guthláf story, and I do find it impressive how much context about the banner bearer role Tolkien shoved into LOTR in barely half a dozen sentences' worth of small references.

For starters, there are (by my count) 3 acknowledged banner bearers in Lord of the Rings: Halbarad of the rangers of the North, Guthláf of Rohan (♥️), and an unnamed Haradrim standard bearer. I reject the distinction Tolkien made between so-called high, middle and low Men, but it is notable nonetheless that he created a banner bearer character from each of these 3 groups. That shows how universally important the function was, at least to communities of Men, just as it was extremely common in the real world for many hundreds of years of human history. All kinds of Middle Earth's Men have them, no matter how different the Men are from one another.

In addition, all 3 of the banner bearer characters die at the Pelennor Fields, which effectively illustrates how incredibly dangerous a job it was, both in Middle Earth and real life. Given how intentional Tolkien is about everything, I think it's fair to assume that he purposefully killed all of them in recognition of the realities of ancient warfare. (The only banner bearer I can think of in any Tolkien book that survives their war is Eönwë in the Silmarillion, but he's an immortal Maia so...TOTALLY different circumstances.)

And finally, Tolkien shows us how significant the loss of a banner bearer was to both sides in a battle. When Théoden kills the unnamed Haradrim standard bearer (just before the Witch King rolls up), that's the moment when the forces of Harad founder and start to flee because they've lost their rallying point and their source of morale. They can't function without their banner bearer. On the opposite side, Théoden cites his felling of the black serpent flag to Merry as one of the singular achievements that will allow him to sit proudly alongside his ancestors in the afterlife, so he clearly also understands taking out a banner bearer to be a massive battle achievement.

We don't witness Halbarad or Guthláf’s final moments, but their deaths are just as significant. Out of the untold numbers of dead at the Pelennor Fields, they are both in the small handful of names to be recorded in the story because they were important and their deaths meant something to the broader battle. And we see in the immediate aftermath of Guthláf’s death what a huge deal it is to the Rohirrim—they stop to address his death and retrieve his banner so that it can be borne by another before they even take the time to tend to their mortally wounded king. Those are the actions of people who understand how strategically important a banner bearer is above almost all other battlefield functions.

I'm not trying to say Guthláf is more important than Théoden* but I am saying that Tolkien really demonstrated, through a handful of very economical little actions and asides and unremarked-upon events, how critical people like Guthláf were, as well as how ridiculously brave and selfless. And more than anything else, I guess I’m saying that now, as I approach 27,000 words about Guthláf in my Google docs, he’s…on my mind a lot.

*At this point, I would absolutely say this for myself. In my heart, there's no contest and it's Guthláf forever. But I know that’s because he’s my special li’l guy and I don’t expect that of anyone else!

i know you only uploaded it a few hours ago, but please carry on the reader accidentally summoning morpheus, im dying to know their history, and his feelings on how much time has passed <3 big fan!!

A/N: By popular demand, I'm writing a 2nd part. The quoted poem is something I was obsessed with as a kid. My mom still quotes it.

[Imagine accidentally summoning Morpheus] || [Sandman-inspired playlist]

All of it sounded like a madman's bad joke.

"Wait, hold on." You waved your hand. Hunching over the dusty box filled with remnants of your childhood, you began looking for another trinket that surely must have been there. "You mean that you are... goddamn where is it... I saw it somewhere here... Got it!" you exclaimed when you stood up with a thin, red book in your hand. "You mean that you are this funny fella?"

Your finger was tapping against the cover of a children's book. There was an illustration of a Santa Claus-like man carrying a big sack thrown over his shoulder. He was climbing a ladder to an open bedroom window. Above the picture, in fancy curvy letters, was written Grandfather Sand.

A small smile crept unto Morpheus's face. His eyes lit up vividly and you suspected that if he was any less reserved in his emotional expression, he would have laughed in your face. "Did you think he is the Sandman?"

"I didn't think the Sandman was at all," you retorted as you carelessly tossed the book on your bed. Looking once more at the pleasantly familiar illustration, the nostalgia made you recall something Morpheus had said to you a few minutes ago. "You said you know my face."

"I have visited you many times before," he stated. After a moment, he added in a quieter, defeated tone: "But you don't seem to remember."

You only shrugged your shoulders. "If I was a toddler, then no wonder. It was lifetimes ago."

Morpheus gave the room an absent once-over before staring at the box next to the two of you. Something brown and fur-like was peeking from behind dolls and plastic horses. His pale, skeletal hand reached for the mysterious object only for it to turn out to be an old, worn-out teddy bear. It still smelled of your grandmother's perfume. Sometimes you wondered what happened to him... Apparently, Terry had been safe and sound in your grandmother's basement throughout all those years.

Dream was examining the bear when he suddenly decided to make you recall something you had already forgotten you once remembered: "Maybe Spot tugged at him, tore the ear off, didn't say he's sorry?"

It was a quote - one that you had grown to know all too well. You felt as though that single line from a rhymed story allowed you to rediscover the oldest memories your brain could possibly store like you suddenly became privy to a life you had once led but not anymore. "A needle, a thread, a pair of hands, we'll mend the hurt right away," you quietly continued." You fixed Terry..." Yes, that plushy friend from your childhood did need an 'emergency surgery' once, although you could never quite recall who sew his ear back on. At some point, you even began questioning whether his little accident was even real as there was no sign of a tear whatsoever.

The memory came to you in waves like afterimages of a dream one tries to recall after waking up. It was all blurry, voices heard from miles away and sights as if seen through a dirty lens. "Yeah, I remember I used to ask to be told the same three stories over and over again and you were never frustrated with me."

"You were a great listener."

"So, how does this work? The melody plays and you just, puff, appear wherever?"

Morpheus sat Terry at the top of the dolls, plastic horses and fairytale books about fairies still residing inside the box. His bony hand lingered on the brown, matted fur of the plushie. "It was a gift." His gaze returned to you. "To a girl who just like you could not fall asleep. For decades it remained silent until that one night when I met you for the first time."

Your hand brushed against the ceramic raven inside the music box. It was quite an interesting choice of design for an item meant for children. "A magical heirloom. Sounds cool." The ghosting touch of your fingers was withheld only for you to close the enamelled lid for an unspecified amount of time. "Don't worry, I won't abuse that... privilege. I'm sure you have a lot going on anyway."

Without letting his gaze leave you, Morpheus was a little too quick to answer you. "Play it anytime you want."

His expression remained generally ambiguous but you figured it was just the way he looked. There was, however, one detail of his face that caught your attention: his eyebrows slightly raised making him appear somewhat surprised or nervous. "Is that permission or a suggestion?" you asked.

"Both."

Tagging people who were interested in a follow-up: @secretdreamlandmentality @kbrownie @lolitaisreal @thegraywitch @aralezinspace @boofy1998

Sonic Broke. What's Next? (IDW)

For those who might know, quite some time ago I wrote about Sonic’s next emotional arc in the IDW comics, where he won’t be so immediately trusting of new faces after what happened to Mr. Tinker. I analyzed how this new dynamic is characterized through his interactions with Belle and was justified by the events of the metal virus arc and, more specifically, the way in which everyone piles onto Sonic for his decision to keep Mr. Tinker alive.

Espio’s done it. Shadow’s done it. Zavok’s done it. Metal Sonic’s done it. Starline’s done it. Eggman’s done it. Sonic’s done it. So many people have put Sonic down for this one decision; this one decision has backfired in so many ways, but Sonic, ultimately, never lost faith, never lost hope, never lost his optimism for a better world where everyone has even a little bit of good in them. This optimism is one of Sonic’s key defining characteristics that shines through every single continuity of this franchise and every single iteration of this character.

But this is it. This. Is. It. Chekhov’s gun has fired, and Sonic has fucking broke.

This collapse hits Sonic in two waves, the first one being his first confrontation with Surge.

Surge says everything the others have said regarding Sonic’s “moral code,” but her specific language illustrates the key difference between her and everyone else—and why it hits Sonic so hard. Everyone else in Sonic’s life is adjacent to Eggman’s terrorism, but Surge is a victim of it. And what makes matters worse is that she’s only brought in this mess through a chain of command.

If Sonic ended Eggman, Starline wouldn’t have been able to bring Eggman back, nor experience the apprenticeship that turned him against Eggman and sent him on the path of creating enforcer cyborgs—which means that Kit and Surge would not exist in the state they do now, and they would be able to live happy lives. Even if after ending Eggman, Starline would have still surfaced on a track of “Eggman Avengement,” the same argument could be made, because Sonic would have directly spared Starline, too, and he knows it. If only for a second, something clicks.

The collapse finishes in one fell swoop in his third confrontation with Surge, where she spells it out for him further, and where a technical fault on Eggman’s Device, of all things, saves his life by almost surging hers.

Sonic has now, for the first clear and objective time, seen the true consequences of his decision, and for the first clear and objective time, he cannot fix it.

This isn’t the same as Metal Sonic, who, as a (sentient) robot, serves a purpose outside of replicating Sonic (he’s a protector, an attack robot, and a companion to Dr. Eggman). Surge once had a life of her own, one she no longer remembers because, through a sick and twisted train of events, Sonic has deprived her of those memories, that freedom. Surge isn’t a robot. Surge isn’t an android. Surge is a real, tangible person that Sonic’s decision has thoroughly fucked up, and Surge has just framed him—not his choices, HIM—as the key reason she’ll never be free. She will either kill him or die trying, and either way, Sonic cannot win.

In the first second he can breathe, let alone process everything that just happened, Sonic… can’t. He has nothing to say—not in front of Tails, at least, but maybe nothing, at all. Until this point, Sonic has wondered if he, specifically, was to blame for Eggman’s actions because he was the one to let Mr. Tinker go. However, this is the first time where Sonic seems to question whether he should have let Mr. Tinker go, at all.

When Eggman emerges from the rubble, Sonic isn’t smug. He’s not amused. He’s not even bemused. Sonic is gutted and disgusted by the fact that Eggman’s still alive. He might even feel guilty that he’s still alive.

Eggman doesn’t know sympathy, doesn’t know remorse—not in Sonic’s eyes, not anymore, and it shows, because when Eggman has the audacity to ask for another truce—

—Sonic could fucking kill him for it.

Sonic’s always hated Eggman, but he’s also always had faith in his ability to be good. However, what Sonic has learned from all this—what Sonic finally believes down to his core—is that Dr. Eggman is lower than the scum of the earth. Sonic finally understands why Eggman helped stop the arc, why Eggman worked with him to fight the Deadly Six, and why Eggman helped eradicate the metal virus. Sonic finally understands that he mistook Eggman’s ever-cunning, manipulative mind for a shred of benevolence.

Now, what does this mean?

Now that we’ve witnessed the breaking point, I think it will take a fair bit of effort to pull Sonic back from the brink of rage. He’s not going to give up on Surge—not at all—because if he did, he might truly fucking lose it, but there is no way that Sonic will be entirely unchanged by this. In the future, when he’s placed in another complicated situation and given a difficult choice to make—especially if it has to do with Eggman—we might not see even a shred of lenience.

I thoroughly believe that the primary narrative purpose of the IDW comics, as they currently stand, is to investigate Sonic’s tenant optimism and push it far beyond its limits. This story’s purpose is to interrogate and observe Sonic’s declining psychological state until it shatters. This story’s purpose is to stand by one of this franchise’s biggest arguments: Sonic’s big, big emotions cause problems, and his inability to cope with those emotions makes problems worse.

When Sonic’s happy, he’s ecstatic, when he’s confident, he’s cocky, when he’s sad, he’s depressed, and when he’s angry, he’s livid. And all of these emotions, without balance, can come crashing down around him.

We’re seeing this fact so prevalent in the movies, Sonic Frontiers and especially Sonic Prime (which takes the direction that the movies do and turns it up to eleven). However, in the same ways they weaken him, Sonic’s emotions give him strength. Without his optimism, Sonic would have fallen, long ago. Without his optimism, Surge will never have a chance to see a better future for herself. It’s all counterbalanced by how big his heart is and how much he evidently wants to be better and do right by others.

And if there’s anything he’d die trying to do, it’s that.

no bc. like. the eighth sense is getting EVERYTHING right.

it's compelling. like. you feel like you KNOW where the storyline is going, what's going to happen next, and then BHAM! NO! something entirely different happens. its never boring. and it makes the wait for the next episode jittery and anxious and it leaves you on tenterhooks BUT THAT'S THE POINT! its meant to leave you guessing. its got this "impending sense of doom" vibe to it that i referred to in a previous post, but that describes the current vibe of jaewon and jihyun's relationship and the atmosphere surrounding it: its thrilling.

characters can breathe!!! and we can breathe with them! jaewon and jihyun are allowed to have scenes where its just them alone, immersed in a hobby that THEY like, and you're there with them! they get to have scenes with so many other people that aren't just with each other. they get to form real relationships with their boss, their therapist, their new and old friends. and each relationship and dynamic brings something new, each dynamic formed between jaewon or jihyun and the people around them is made to allow a certain type of conversation to be had for jaewon and jihyun that they can't really have with someone who isn't that character, for example jihyun can only really openly speak to his boss in the same way jaewon can to yoonwon or his therapist. jihyun can't talk in that same manner to anyone else, nor can jaewon. at the same time, it also soooo BEAUTIFULLY illustrates how performative we can become in certain relationships and situations and around certain people, and how unhealthy and detrimental that can be for us - look at jaewon and taehyung, who are meant to be best friends, but are anything but it.

its such a QUEER show. it takes the small little scenes you'd normally see in a white western heterosexual movie, like the two love interests linking their pinky fingers together to then clasping each other's hands and smiling shyly to the side, to sitting opposite one another on a train and just gazing and gazing and gazing at one another, to calling a taxi after your not-a-date-but-its-so-a-date to go home in and the taxi is literally stood right there waiting but you can't let each other go ..... its taken all those cliche scenes and made them feel so ... new and fresh and vibrant and so so QUEER and any queer person watching the show FEELS those butterflies in their stomach.

oh to see a main character who is asian and queer actually GO TO therapy, and imply that jaewon has been going for 10 whole years to therapy. to have his mental illness be given a name (depression!), to have him talk about his issues so openly!!, to discuss what the struggles of being in your mid-twenties feel like!! to see him talk about how burdensome he finds it being "nice" to everyone and wearing a mask all the time and ultimately his therapist telling him straight that, "in fact, in life, you don't need to be loved by everyone." or when jihyun's boss stood up for him and fought eunji over how she treated him bc she KNOWS jihyun would never bc he isnt a confrontational person, but jihyun's boss did not stand for it, and how she continues to just give him the correct life advice as and when he needs it.

the romance. the chemistry. the way jaewon and jihyun pull you into their bubble. the way you feel the excitement and joy and apprehension and tension and heartache and disappointment between the two of them. YOU feel it. and thats all down to the way the show has been shot and the muuuuusic (oh my god the muuuuusic) and the way the camera is used. it makes it feel personal. in first person. not you watching them, but rather, you BEING them. the way you can FEEL how nervous and anxious jihyun gets when he is in ANY kind of social situation. how you can FEEL the quiet anger and the exhaustion from being so performative and the lack of patience in jaewon like a ticking timebomb when he's around taehyung. you do, you just FEEL it.

anyway. the eighth sense might just be (who am i kidding, it already is) on its way to claim the title for the best bl of 2023, and its only april.

We only have two real options. Break up or one of us leaves Mid-Wilshire. It should be me. No. No, you love it here. No, I do, but there isn't an open sergeant supervisor job anywhere else in the division. I checked. Which means you would have to take a demotion. And that's not happening.

| ANATOMY OF A SCENE - CHENFORD EDITION 5.12 - Death Notice

There is something deeply symbolic in how Lucy and Tim are trying to figure out a way to stay in this new relationship while dealing with the issue of the chain of command - in the shop, of all places. With the cameras recording everything. And yet, there is no better place : this has been their sanctuary for a while, a confessional at times, despite Tim claiming the shop as a 'personal-life-free zone'. This scene also feels like a continuation of their conversation in The Collar, when they were discussing Lucy's relationship. Back then, it was about Chris and now, this is about the last remaining obstacle : the chain of command. Only, Lucy is the one with open eyes here.

I just love how neither of them even entertains breaking up… which is, honestly, kind of refreshing. Sensible too, since it is something they both knew would be coming up sooner rather than later. Anything else would have cheapened their words : they are worth taking the risk and they sincerely meant it. Still, seeing them simply dismissing this idea right away is amazing. As much as Lucy being the one to come up with the solution. The fact that she instantly suggests that she should be leaving Mid-Wilshire, shows how she has been thinking about this the moment they were assigned together again. Something that is further illustrated by how she even checked if there was any position available for Tim. She has been working on this while he was struggling with denial. And in some ways, still is, judging by his surprise at her idea, even though he knows that they can't continue like this. That was the point of the Lucy Lesson… But if he could have pretended for a little while longer, he would have. He did tell her once that he would miss riding with her and this has never been truer : he's absolutely not ready to end this chapter. But all the while, you can see the wheels turning in his head...

The thing is, he absolutely understands the sacrifice Lucy is making. Like he said, she loves it there at Mid-Wilshire. But more than that, it's where she has a family, where she feels safe. There's no guarantee she would find this in another station. And I'm not sure he wants to be separated like this either, not even getting to hear her voice on the radio. Her hesitation, the way she is trying to convince herself that this is the right call makes it clear that she doesn't like this any more than him. It's just the most convenient solution in her eyes. Tim is deflecting a bit at the end, telling her that they don't have to make a decision just yet… But that last look says otherwise. He has already made his choice. This is the same man who already rejected a promotion when she was a rookie, just so he could stay training her after all...

And how overwhelming it must have felt for him! So far he has been the one who was expected to make the sacrifices. And here is Lucy, showing him exactly that she meant it when she said he was the most important relationship in her life. But it's even more than being put first : it's about being finally included in the decision process. Something that neither Rachel, nor Ashley truly did. In many ways, he was treated as a mere afterthought. In Rachel's case, she never talked to him about searching for a job on the other side of the country until she was offered the position. Her choice was already made, it was pretty much a done deal. The only thing left to discuss was whether he would join her or not. But at no point did they discuss what would be best for them as a couple. He didn't really factor in - which is her right, of course. With Ashley, she was so gung-ho on him retiring because she got uncomfortable with the danger of the job that she sprung this idea of retirement on him. She was scared, between her father having heart issues just as he was finally retired and Tim being at risk of being paralysed due to an old bullet she didn't even know about. And that is perfectly understandable. She saw her dad wait for a decade before retiring and he might not get to enjoy it for too long… So I can see why she would want Tim to leave the force while he still could. But instead of having a conversation, of sharing these fears, she focused on herself and ultimately made him choose while he was just waking up from surgery.

And on the other hand, you have Lucy… Who not only never asked him to sacrifice his career for her, but was ready to make the change herself so he didn't have to. Who dismissed the idea of him taking a demotion. Just like she was there to help him study and get that promotion. She has been his biggest supporter, right from the beginning, protecting him from himself at times, reminding him of who he was when he was close to cross a line he wouldn't have been able to come back from. This is no different here : she makes sure to include him in the decision process. It is very much a conversation on how THEY should proceed. Because she knows firsthand what it's like to be asked by your loved ones to quit something you love… This is also such a powerful moment for her. For years, she has been hesitant and downright reluctant to commit to any of her relationships. And dating Tim for a few weeks was enough for her to be ready to take this huge step.

This time, it's not one-sided : this is an equal relationship. And Tim is not going to hesitate. Because Lucy is worth the effort. They both are. And so is their relationship.

stream of consciousness notes for book 7 chapter 3

babbling and spoilers ahead

First scene notes

the first room that grim and yuu wake up in is within mickey’s dream. Mickey says he can’t use magic, the items that move around in his dream room move on their own

the “mickey” that is with them is when he leaves his body while he’s asleep. Grim figures his and yuu’s bodies must still be passed out on the floor in diasomnia then

mickey says that after he falls asleep in bed and he leaves his body, when he enters the mirror that hangs above the fireplace in his room, that’s when he gets to this dream room they’re in now. He tried before to enter the mirror while awake but it didn’t work

after mickey wakes up and disappears, a bunch of black gooey stuff shows up and starts attacking grim and yuu. Silver swoops in and calls it “Darkness” (闇). He says it if touches you, you will be put into an even deeper sleep

silver’s UM notes

Can only be activated when he is asleep AND when he realizes that he is in a dream

He is able to “cross” between dreams. He calls the sky-like space that he enters when moving from one dream to another the “dream corridor/corridor of dreams”

If you’re touching him when he crosses dreams, you’ll be able to cross with him

He cannot choose the person whose dream he enters, but it is easy for him/typical to cross over into the dreams of people he’s close with. So he is surprised he went into mickey’s dream that one time.

He can tell who is the dreamer because he sees a bird that emits rainbow colored light flying around them. Grim and yuu couldn’t see it flying around sebek, so it seems only silver can see it

He cannot go into people’s minds, per se. He describes it as “what one sees within one’s heart, the world of imagination borne from one’s memories and desires”

He still doesn’t fully comprehend his UM nor all the special characteristics of dreams

Often, when he wakes up, he can’t remember what happened in the dream

Mal notes

The energy field is slowly and gradually entombing a wider and wider radius around sage’s island. S.t.y.x. fears that it will eventually swallow the whole world

Normally, you could just wait for an overblotter’s magic to run out and then their UM would go away, but some fae are able to draw in magic energy from nature around them. Mal seems to be doing this, so his magic reserves are basically limitless

s.t.y.x with the help from BV tried breaking through the energy field but neither magic or physical attacks are getting through. When the fae or humans got to close to it, they would get dragged in by the thorns and trapped on the island

time on sage’s island has stopped at 21:18

the mal seen in idia and sebek’s dreams is the real mal. He is observing them and making sure they stay asleep/continue dreaming happy dreams

every living thing (well not plants I assume) on sage’s island is trapped in sleep. All the students, the towns people, the RSA students, the animals, the fish, the insects. Ortho is the only one on the island who is awake

Mr. Shroud feels déj�� vu when seeing the island covered in thorns. He later realizes its because the sight bares a striking resemblance to the legends of the thorn fairy, of which illustrations remain in old literature

Mrs. Shroud adds that it's an ancient form of magic "area domination/domain control" (領域支配) where you "can change/alter everything within the domain at will"

end scene notes

when mal tries to put them into a deeper sleep, silver sees an auroral light. It seems to be the light from the ring his father gave him. Silver asks for his father’s help and they do end up in lilia’s dream like he wanted (possibly the ring’s doing?)

silver recognizes the forest and the smell of the wind

sebek can understand what the three goon-looking creatures are saying. The creatures think they are “The Iron Ones”? （鉄の者） sebek seems to know that phrase, as he says no they’re not

silver reacts in surprise when one of the creatures says something right before lilia appears. Maybe silver can also understand them?

lilia tells them “silence, humans”. He speaks threateningly.

the rainbow bird flies around lilia, so its his dream

Soma and Whitewashing in Anime:

Avoiding "Brown"

Here is an image of Soma comparing his skin tone from the first season of Black Butler and the current season airing now. As you can see, Soma's skin is noticeably lighter than it was in the past. I considered the lighting and took shade from his hand that looks relatively mid tone. However, that's not really a fair excuse if the anime continues to lighten Soma's face this way.

I also compared his skintone from the Book of Circus season which is relatively more recent, and chose images where he's clearly in good lighting. Soma is still noticeably lighter this time around.

Whitewashing is an incredibly common phenomenon that been happening a lot lately in anime, especially with reboots. A great example I can think of off the top of my head is One Piece where they lightened nearly everyone's skin color in the anime, despite some of the cast being characters of color?

(^^^this character is canonly black according to Oda, the mangaka.)

"Oh but Oda gives Usopp pale skin in all his color illustrations"

One, he should know better. Two, if Oda said Usopp would be African in real life, and chose a brown, Jamaican-american actor to play him, then yes, they have been ridiculously disrespectful in how they've been portraying the character's racial features so far.

In that sense, it's actually relief that anime studios in the past weren't afraid of giving their characters darker skin unlike mangakas who were terrified of even the lighest shade of brown.

For instance, I am happy that A-1 studios made Soma, Agni, and Mina, who are all the same race, slightly differ in skin tone. Mina's skin is cooler toned compared to Soma and Agni's warmer hues.

HOWEVER, and other fans pointed this out, Soma and Agni's skin leaned so far from being golden brown to straight yellow in many scenes, that they were walking around like they have jaundice which is so... Of course A-1 studios found some way to mess it up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Another thing, do you guys honestly think being accurate to Yana's art style is always the best thing to do in adaptions? Angela Blanc, the secret villain in the anime original first season, pretends to be an abused maid and gets whipped in her very first scene. And according to Yana's concept sketches, she was originally brown. I'm actually glad the anime whitewashed her in that instance.

I'd like to point out, Sebastian's skin tone has also changed in the new season, and he's noticeably tanner than his previous anime appearances and yana's illustrations. So why is this okay for the anime to make creative changes for sebastian's skin tone, but have to stay accurate for Soma? (whose dark skin been established in anime viewers' eyes for decades now).

To be fair, I did a comparison of the anime grayscaled and Soma in the manga during the Weston arc. I checked the values and while I will say that his skin is relatively in the same as the manga, only few degrees lighter, whitewashing isn't only about skintone.

Colourism in Features

We could argue whether its just different anime styles or the way Yana draws noses, but its not a great look for Soma's nose to be made noticeably sharper compared to his flatter/rounder nose in the manga/earlier seasons of the anime.

Talking about the Mandela effect and cognitive dissonance as well... there's also something about how manga readers seen Soma with brown skin and pure black hair years in the manga, only for the anime to lighten those features.

It doesn't help that Soma canonly has purple hair and yellow eyes (if anything, I do appreciate the more natural tones they gave Soma this season. No more highly saturated purple hair/yellow eyes and skin!)

Yes, Kuroshitsuji is a fantasy story, and YES artists of color like to play with fantasy features with characters, me included! But my point is that black/brown representation in media is so little already, character artists are also averse to drawing any defining racial features.

Yana has designed brown-skinned characters in the anime with straight white hair and light-colored eyes about three times now (ie. Agni, Angela, and Hannah). The only Indians with dark skin and hair are a bunch of homeless thugs that Soma and Agni stop from mugging Ciel, proving they're "one of the good ones", and Mina whose treatment in the manga/anime is abysmal.

Discussing Racism in Fandom

Alright, so over the past few days, I've seen some fans disappointed with Soma's skin tone change and I hope my post illustrates why they would be. But I've also seen some angry and frustrated reactions to those fans! And I want to ask, why?

Why is fans bringing up racism in anime considered "discourse" but reacting harshly towards those fans is not?

Why would fans expressing disappointment about whitewashing gets you more angry than the whitewashing itself?

Why is being disappointed that an anime lightened a character's skin tone, a character who both anime-only watchers and manga readers alike saw as dark-skinned, stupid to you?

How come the fandom gets a good laugh out of the usage of "fag" potentially canceling the anime, but talking about race is a "risk" to getting a new season?

And if you disagree with my points and believe the anime is only being accurate to Yana's work, why not just say "Soma's skintone is more accurate to Yana's color illustrations, but I understand the disappointment and shock," without being condescending towards us for being concerned in the first place?

I'd be pretty happy if the anime was just using intense lighting and that Soma is darker than he appears (in fact, if that happens I'll reblog the good news to this post!) Because this post isn't "discourse" to me, I'm discussing race regarding one of my favorite characters in the fandom. Discussions like these don't ruin the fandom, but actually help it become a more welcoming place for fans of color.

Concept Art Moments and Ideas: What I Wish Was Kept

Pretty sure we've all been there. Seen some of the concept art and thought how cool it was and how much you wish it had made it in the final game. These are some of mine, I won't go too much into why they're not in the game, the answer is usually either one of the following or a combination of: they needed to narrow the scope of the project, frostbite was a new engine they were struggling to make do what they needed, time, they didn't feel it had enough narrative weight or purpose, or it would make the world states branch out far too much.

I'm not really wanting to discuss whether or not I agree with cutting them either. I just really think these are neat concept, ones I've thought out how they would fold in, possible ways they could have played out, and some that personally I have worked into my fic just to fully explore the ideas.

Most of the images that don't have a source link came from either the art book or the BioWare Stories and Secrets From 25 Years of Game Development (B25) book.

Now lets start with the most common one:

[Source]

I'm know others have said this, but I really wish that it had been feasible for you to become Divine. Though, honestly this only would have really worked as decision at the end of the series. While personally in my canon world state I don't have anyone I would want to put in that role. I do have an OC who I did design for that and would have been nice to see it play out. Especially come Trespasser.

These are story boards from the art book of the prologue walk through Haven. The voice lines for this are still in the game files even though they're cut. Something I always wanted in the prologue was something to actually motivate me. There is no real sense of danger, and the walk through Haven hold no real weight. It's mostly telling and no showing, it feels hollow after your first play-through where you aren't curious and uncertain. It honestly would have been interesting to me if this was in there and if there were non-standard ending option outside of combat. Provoking the scared survivors to where they mob you, a timer on the mark instead of just the one check point. If it started draining your health the longer you took to get to the Breach. Things that could easily be removed if you decreased the difficulty level and wouldn't impact the game overly much.

[Left Dragon Age Art Book, Right World of Thedas vol. 2 p. 245]

To continue on with my desire for the steaks in Inquisition to be more intense, for you to actually feel some type of risk or hostility from the world. These two are more of an expansion on the attack on Haven. I wish Corypheus was given a more dramatic entrance than being seen on the hill with his Commander. That when he arrived to scoop you up, that it was more ominous and threatening. Something to illustrate as him having this overwhelming presence and force.

In Hushed Whispers had the concept art of King Alistair going with you and honestly, I feel like it is a missed opportunity. Not only would it make sense but there is a sort of thematic element with Alistair once again having to save Redcliffe from a mage. I think this also could have worked if he was king or warden. If he was a warden, it would have been a very nice way to tie in the Warden plot for Alistair and even Loghain. Would have really given the Inquisitor a reason to care about choosing between them or Hawke in the Fade.

[Source]

Matt Rhodes labeled this as Anders in the tags, and I am really intrigued by this prospect. We know by the end of DA2 if he's alive he doesn't have many friends with the displaced mages of Kirkwall after awhile. It would have been nice for him to come back in that Warden role they were considering for the cancelled Exalted March DLC. But what really makes me curious, is why he's out in what we might think is the Western Approach/Hissing Wastes and what happened to his missing right arm.

Alternatively, another scenario I would have liked to see with Anders comes from the B25 book. We see they explored the idea of Anders, as a Grey Warden in the cancelled Exalted March DLC. Honestly, I feel as if he would return regardless of if you killed him or not because we know that Justice can and has prevented fatal injuries from killing Anders before. This could have been an interesting thread to not only pull his story to an end in dai, but also introduce the Warden contact instead of the ones we had. Because he was on the run and the Wardens would offer a degree of protection so he would be unwillingly forced to return, couple that with him knowing of Corypheus - which would likely be the thing that forced the Wardens to keep him alive once they found his prison empty.

[Source]

This is Western Approach concept art, specifically this was suppose to be Adamant. Matt Rhodes describes that it was suppose to be a monastery, self-sustaining, and a place where they could cultivate their own food, weave their own fabrics. It would have been interesting to be able to see it like this, to see the game use this to not only explore how the Wardens survived out here but also how they recovered the fortress after it was wrecked in Asunder. It would have tied in nicely with exploring the fact that the reversal of Tranquility was found here, a fact known to everyone in game at this point (they just didn't know the Seekers hid it from the Chantry and mages). It would have been an excellent way to fold in Rhys, Evangeline, flesh out Cole's backstory and personal quest, and even show another side of the mages - the ones who didn't want to be involved in the war and fled to the Wardens.

Two Words: Giant. Scorpion.

Look how massive that is. I love mega fauna so much. I want something massive to be living in the Hissing Wastes and I want this to be fighting dragons. It would have been amazing. Look at the boards they put out.

[Source]

I want to believe this is for the Western Approach given the ground type and the smoke in the background. If this thing was guarding the sulfur fields by Griffon Keep? It would have been epic. Or even if we saw it fighting the Abyssal dragon. Honestly, I think more areas should have had a competing predator for the dragons to be fighting. It would have been cooler if they kept great bears (previously known as Dragon Bears) at their massive size to fight a dragon in the Emerald Graves too.

[Source]

That said, this scorpion concept gets even better when you see the concept art for smaller versions being Venatori mounts.

How do you not get stabbed bud? How do you domesticate/train this? What is the intelligence of this little critter? I can just picture a play on the scorpion and the frog happening here. This would have been really cool as mini-bosses or something of that nature. Particularly around the ruins, Venatori operations, or raids against the keeps.

Another piece from B25, we see new concept art of the Inquisitor leaving Skyhold with the Inquisition as Skyhold is destroyed in the background. We learned from David Gaider that at one point Skyhold was actually suppose to be attacked by Corypheus, but it ended up being cut due to time/scope. This is something I wish they kept, having your second base attack, you home at the point where you felt the strongest and potentially after a recent victory.

It would have reminded the player that Corypheus and his commander, Calpernia or Samson, were a real and active threat. Something missing from Inquisition honestly. It would have been interesting to see if we had to find a new base of operations or if we had to rebuild. When first settling in Skyhold everyone mentions being able to see the enemy coming, about not retreating from Skyhold. They really built up an expectation that at the very least a scare of an attack would happen.

There would have been a sort of poetic sense to Skyhold being leveled. Considering it is of Fereldan make, built on top of a leveled elven site. To have the site once again leveled, the history brought back to its foundations. It would have been a thematic foreshadowing to what Solas plans to do as well.

These are clearly just things I found interesting, things I feel would have really added to the game, and some others might not agree with. There are other things I wish they hadn't cut, but I didn't want to include anything that has been post-humorously mentioned by the devs because I wanted to focus more on the concept art aspect. A lot of decisions were shaped by circumstances we'll never really know the full scope of, and sometimes I wonder if they had gotten more than the 3-4 years they had for Inquisition and maybe on an engine that wasn't so fickle and worked better for the style of game how different it would have been.

New here, new to your blog, very nervous, please be gentle. Real-boy said he would have invested in railways instead of a toy company. I don't know if this is just my personal squick, I don't know if he would-have had the power to force members of the estate to work on railways as part of his 'investment' but either way. I have a (great, great) grandparent who worked as a railroad Navvy, he immigrated to escape Britain's working conditions... that's literally why I'm here. Say what one will about Our!Ciel, but Funtom is providing safer jobs to people... Read a bit about Railroad Navvies during that time period, I'm betting it'll shock you. Contrary to whatever anyone says, they were NOT, "well paid" they were NOT compensated well or even given beds. They died at a high rates, and families weren't compensated for deaths. Sometimes, they weren't even paid with real money... So that definitely set off a 🚩.

I'm so glad your ancestor survived... After taking a closer look.

I thought, initially...that this was just to illustrate differences between the two of the twins... That "Real!Ciel" would have made what he felt were more business-oriented, practical decisions for monetary gain and expansion ... and not more personal choices, like Our!Ciel.

(( By "communications" I assume he means something literal. Telephone lines, something like that.)) But after taking another look, that is some very interesting thought-food, you provided. It's very easy, for readers to forget about the working class and common people who's lives are being played with while all of this is going on, and I think that's intentional. It was also clearly illustrated, that Real!Ciel is just not that interested, in investing in areas that might also create more opportunities, for the working class, or for providing with goods and services, to women and children. He seemingly doesn't care for the toys, and didn't seem interested in Funtom supplementing income that theoretically, the Estate could be providing by itself.... You spoke specifically about railways. From what I understand, investors in railways normally didn't want train-tracks running through THEIR property and estates, and that often created problems... but. ...Some didn't mind, so long as it meant exclusivity, and bigger shares of profits. Most especially, when land owners had canals, in their possession. Telephone lines required similar... labor, for their infrastructure (and thus the conditions were also pretty bad for those who had to build them). As for whether or not he could "force" people who lived on his estate into other trades, like that... Absolutely, he could. I think a lot of factors could determine that, but it's not entirely out of the question. It's happened to people, historically. He could certainly make it much harder for people living there, to continue to do so happily. They could move theoretically, they just have to abandon their homes and the only life they've ever known. If they can afford it. Mm. Thinking about a railroad or telephone lines, running right through the estate where that canal was built, kind of breaks my heart a bit... but regardless, I'm glad that didn't happen or hasn't happened, yet. I don't know what fate is going to befall Funtom or the Estate, but I hope the company survives, a while longer. I'm sure if the working classes who live on the Estate had a say in the matter, they'd want Our!Ciel, as their Earl. No contest.

Music Room

This scene was my most anticipated of the episode, maybe even the entire series, and there are so many competing emotions at play that make it so much more interesting on a rewatch. The first time through, it's clear the encounter is emotionally charged, both with anger, frustration, hurt, and love. But all of those layers build upof so quickly that one moment Sand looks so done with Ray and the next, he's tearing up. Just how FK execute those changes so seamlessly in such a short period of time is beyond me.

The encounter starts with Sand understandably withdrawn, wanting no interaction with Ray after what went down at the party. Ray says he's sorry and that he can't excuse his actions, but Sand isn't having it this time. That's the first thing that caught my eye about this scene--we see how cyclical this is for Sand; he's learned Ray's patterns. Ray makes a mistake, apologizes, and it all repeats, leaving Sand in the difficult position of either giving Ray a second chance or leaving him altogether (the latter of which, as we know, is a special challenge for Sand, for reasons he probably can't explain).

The apology doesn't work right away, and I think Ray suspected that, so he moves on to the real meat of why he's here: he thinks that coming to terms with his feelings and admitting those feelings will appease Sand. In my mind, what makes Sand so resistant to this admission by Ray is the way it seems like just another "out" for him. Regardless if Ray truly means it, the fact that he is saying it now, when Sand is so clearly angry at him, seems like an obvious attempt to soften Sand up and lure him back in. As we know, Sand is well-acquainted with this pattern, so he doesn't fall for it.

What Sand says here is such a pointed reference to Ray's own digs at Sand's feelings for him. In both of their arguments, at the Halloween party and at Mew's birthday, Ray has gone after Sand for his feelings--likely because they are one of the only things he knows will hurt Sand. Sand echoes a question that Ray seems to ask in every one of those arguments.

Something that I've been milling over since I first saw this scene: Why does Ray keep egging Sand on? He says it's so Sand can vent his anger, but I think it reaches deeper than that. I'd posit two potential reasons:

1) If Sand lashes out, it would "even the playing field" so to speak; after all the times Ray has lashed out at Sand, this is Sand's opportunity to return the favor. I think Ray has always enjoyed the fact that unlike Mew, Sand doesn't portray a superiority complex. Sand doesn't look down on Ray for drinking, even though he encourages him to stop for his own good. In the case of this argument, I think Ray wants Sand to hurt him so that Sand doesn't have anything (or at least, he doesn't have as much) to hold over him. Ray knows he made a mistake, but if Sand continues to bottle his anger up inside, there will be a level of imbalance between them. This leads right into the second reason...

2) Ray thinks he deserves it. This would come as no surprise given Ray's self-loathing and forgiveness issues. If Sand hits Ray, that would be giving him only a fraction of the suffering he thinks he deserves. I'm not sure how often Ray considers his own feelings of self-loathing, as those kinds of emotions often tend to manifest in self-destructive behaviors that operate at a subconscious level. But the point still remains that Ray's opinion of himself suggests he is eager to accept punishment.

Side note, but I think it's interesting how Ray's lines here parallel his lines in Ep4 at the record store:

In this scene, Ray's tone is much more light-hearted, illustrating how SandRay's problems have built upon one another and grown more serious since Ep4. There can be no more joking around now.

After some shoving and grappling from both sides, we see Sand's anger melt away as Ray says the trailer line: "Now that you've walked into my life, I won't let you walk away." This line is so special too because I can imagine Sand saying something similar to himself ("Now that I've let him become my 25th hour, how can I walk away?") and it frustrates him. Sand can tell Nick a hundred times that they both deserve better than their toxic partners. But the bitter truth is that Sand's words conflict with his actions, because he hasn't yet succeeded in leaving Ray behind (mostly because Ray won't let him leave him behind, but I'd like to believe he would be unable to cut of Ray so abruptly even without Ray's pestering).

Now that you've walked into my life, I won't let you walk away.

Sand's resolve is broken here, and at last, all of the pain he's kept buried under his anger rises to the surface. As some others have pointed out, in the trailer, Ray's tone comes off possessive, but in the context of the scene, it's desperate. Not so much "You don't get to walk away from me" but more "I care too much to watch you go now." I'd argue that Sand catches that distinction in Ray's tone too, because he doesn't shove him away anymore.

This all leads to a kiss. It's a reasonable outlet for all of the emotions building on top of one another. For Sand, it's just evidence of all those layers to his conflict; anger, frustration, desperation, pain, and affection all wrapped up in one. One thing I adore about First as an actor just generally is how he can blend emotions together. It's impossible to discern where one emotion ends and another begins, because they're all competing in Sand's heart, and he doesn't know which one to listen to.

~ X ~

Anyways, that turned sappy fast. I will not be forgetting about this scene anytime soon because it's such a necessary bridge between the party fight and the scenes in the woods. Here, we see for certain that both Sand and Ray's feelings are real *cough* all those people saying that Ray never really cared about Sand *cough*.

dS rewatch shenanigans

So me and @mannequin3thereckoning rewatched 2.04 Bird in the Hand, 3.02 Eclipse and 4.03 The Ladies' Man (or 4.05, depending on the region; I like this ordering of the episodes better, it makes the season more equally paced to me). Somehow we picked a nice equal distribution between seasons 2-4 (sorry s1, I just did not have that much free time!)

It was fun to compare the impressions between us, a person who's fresh off a rewatch and one who didn't touch dS for some years :) Unlike my rigorous friend, I don't have it in me to do a separate post for each episode. It's all pretty chaotic, but here goes:

Bird in the Hand

It was funny to notice how much easier it is to judge the pacing of an episode while also chatting about it in real time compared to a regular watch. This one is pretty much perfect!

It's a great showcase for the side of Fraser that sometimes gets lost between screen and fic, or screen and meta—his lowkey permanent annoyance with his circumstances ("I'm not sulky. I don't sulk," he said. You know, like a liar!) and his masterfully contained intense anger. It's so funny how annoyed he gets with Turnbull! Finally, someone at the consulate who gets more shit than he does haha.

Also another great example of Ray consistently ready to both stir up shit and take shit for Fraser in a highly stressful situation where Fraser's hands are tied. “He’d shoot him for you if you asked"—even Dad knows <3 Linking this wonderful art to express my endless appreciation for how well-oiled Ray and Fraser's banter is. No one does put upon like Ray Vecchio. No one.

And, I mean, the emotional centerpiece of the episode is BRILLIANT. The tone balances on the usual dS edge between wacky and weighty juuust right for juuuuust long enough via Ghost Dad, and then it cannonballs right into heartbreaking because of the Ghost Dad in the span of two lines, sustains it for one of the most effective conversations in all of dS and eases out of it by—you guessed it—Ghost Dad diffusing the tension with continuous murderous overtures.

And I think Fraser's ✨Plan✨ in this one is a rare example of his speechifying that actually bares his underbelly as opposed to only expressing his beliefs illustrated by his experiences. He's very self-aware: he says to his father, "I'm no better", I, too, can't ask for help, I, too, can't express my love and my hurts—and then he goes and does exactly that—and then he immediately follows it by turning the tables on everyone and going "ah, but I stunned you all with my emotional openness on purpose so I could get the upper hand in the stand-off"—but it works both ways, and it's clearly also him using the excuse to actually be vulnerable for a second. Man, Fraser is a thing to behold in this episode.

But you can actually see how far he's come since the pilot, and how his partnership with Ray affected him—it's cool that this happens only two episodes after Ray bullies him into admitting his dissatisfaction with his circumstances. And here he's expressing grief, not the anger, not the desire for revenge, but grief, out loud, to everyone. "You broke my heart." Jesus.

10/10 episode, highly recommended.

Eclipse

This episode is like a favourite well-worn hoodie to me. Apart from the iconic "Do you find me attractive?" exchange it offers so many joys.

It's funny (The "now it's broken and it's working" exchange and "Mom, how you've changed—into cuban cigars" are both beautiful moments).

There's Fraser's "I'm acquainted with loss and, on occasion, loneliness" line which is I think a great thing to learn about him early in the season both if you tuned into the show without seeing s1-2 and if you're Ray Kowalski.

There's the great Ray intro, doubly so because we already had the intro, and were even given a lot of the info there that Eclipse reinforces (like Ray's compulsive need to express his vulnerabilities in hope of protecting himself from being judged too harshly, but also his competence—even if my man should really keep those glasses on—and his ability to think on his feet and his obsessive tendencies and his soft romantic underbelly and I could go on, we learn so. much. stuff. by the point we hear Fraser's exposition on Ray's professional record we're not even surprised).

I love that Fraser is immediately comfortable with his new position of being the more emotionally stable one in the duo, haha—while Ray Vecchio had his insecurities and great moments of learning to trust himself with Fraser's help, Fraser is clearly both fascinated by Ray Kowalski's openness and ready to offer his shoulder to lean on, with an added bonus of being in less danger of being perceived while near this dude who constantly makes himself available for perception.

Random little notes: I really love how Ray says his own name with so much disappointment when introducing himself: "I'm... *frustrated sigh* Kowalski." I love how he tentatively asks Fraser to repeat "friend" after his declaration of friendship. I love that he's a dork who throws the dreamcatcher like a frisbee. I love the b-plot letting us hang out with the station gang a little and see them stand up for each other. I love the insane angle on Ray's face while he's being interrogated (see: my eyelashes gifset). I love the birthday party. I love the crypt as a setting, and I love everyone in that impromptu holding cell.

And, in the words of my wiser friend, "ray finding out his imposter syndrome was caused by a guy who doesn’t even remember him is so very ray". I take my hat off to everyone involved in making this episode.

The Ladies' Man, which I'm very glad my friend suggested, bc otherwise I probably would've forced her to watch it anyway, and I'm not a fan of such cruelty.

Let's get some things out of the way:

Ray looks incredibly good in this episode. It's a crime to look this good AND suffer prettily on top of that. The fact that the camera that was already pretty obsessed with CKR these two seasons gets, like, terminally stuck on him here does Not hurt matters.

I have some Questions for the episode, and I'll get to them, but it's my top one dS episode on a pure viewing pleasure level because it pushes my buttons.

Can't say much about the cold open because it's pretty much perfect, tight and tense and we get the Homoerotic Calling Off Your Rabid Dog Partner When He's Losing It Before He Kills Someone, which is a timeless classic (complete with the obvious and iconic Look at me! Look! At! Me!), and Ray and Fraser are perfect characters to act it out. CKR is on fire, no notes.

One moment I somehow forgot from my many previous rewatches that really struck me during this one is Fraser's almost casual admission of imagining murdering his father's murderers—thinking again about Bird in the Hand up there. It's a great reminder late in the show, where we see this aspect of him less often, and it's cool that he can safely share it in the face of Ray's rawness, you know, as opposed to it being a great and painful admission when he's the vulnerable one.

A brief interlude to shake my fists at the sky and wail Why, o Paul Gross, did you have to add the singing—it's not just that the joke didn't age well, it didn't even land at the time, and I don't think it would in any episode, but especially here???— and the bark tea flirting—which is par for the course as far as dS goes and could be cute but it feels totally disconnected from the rest of the scene, let alone the episode, so, again, ???? It's not that I wanted a mournful monotony of an episode with no laughs—I would pick a different show then—but like, I think better jokes could've been made. Like later in the episode, where during a climactic scene they drop the "actually, all that exposition makes me feel a little thirsty" line, it works.

Back to the point: Dixie Seatle is fucking amazing??? Her and CKR work so well together that all the noise of failed gags and nonsensical continuity of Ray's cover and whatnot is super easy to wave away because they're the emotional core of the episode, and they deliver. They have such a fragile thing going on, with him being exhausted from all the guilt and her also being exhausted from his guilt on top of the, you know, the whole death penalty thing.

Which, speaking of, UM, that's one of Thee Darkest Premises in the whole show and encountering it for the first time was a trip, during a season I was not a fan of and considered dropping. And yes many rewatches later I'm still confused but grateful about it all. The world in this episode is brutal in the way it rarely is in the show; integrity and redemption and whatnot are big motives in dS, and the big point is usually that the world, imperfect and unfair as it is, can respond to kindness with kindness and this is worth upholding. It is Not So here; scenes like the whole precinct cheering away at the prospect of Beth's impending execution are just—wow, okay.

So, as far as dS goes, this is a super solipsistic episode. It's perfectly self-contained, and even though it could have, I don't know, implications for Ray the way some of Fraser's Bad Shit did for Fraser, it just isn't addressed in the end. And I don't think it should be. It's a character study, and whoever decided they needed a very heavy one for Ray is my hero. (Note: I think this is the reason I never read a coda for this episode that I enjoyed. Having your blorbo break down in tears right in front of his boyfriend right before the credits with no follow-up kind of begs for a coda, but—newp. It works so well because it cuts off with no big resolutions.)

And whoever wrote those two closing scenes deserves a medal; to have this much restraint is an achievement for late season dS. CKR and Dixie Seatle also deserve a medal each for creating something this excruciating with super precise line deliveries and body language.

Small things my mind always catches on:

Welsh and his pink duster, looking out for Ray

CKR's rolling over the car stunt (steam comes out of my ears)

tiny flashback Ray checking his hair in the mirror at the crime scene because of course he does

Ray casually fiddling with Fraser's hat as they walk around

Sam Franklin's whole deal. I mean, there's tension there. For god's sake he pats Ray's cheek like a proud mentor he played the whole time when Ray takes his gun during his arrest. I mean. Uh. Yeah.

the fact that truepenny quit her meta right before this episode is a human tragedy

Probably like 40% of what you've read above have been brought up or articulated by @mannequin3thereckoning, so thank her for all the fun. I hope we can do this again some time <3

Alrighty, the results of the poll I posted asking what people wanted for a finalized product of my PMD2 AU The Present is a Gift are in! About 40% of people who indicated a preference for medium preferred the option of a written fanfic with simple illustrations sprinkled throughout the text, and about 60% indicated a preference for a webcomic. While the webcomic-likers are in the majority of this group, I didn’t exactly present any of my written work as something to judge off of despite posting comics pretty much daily. That definitely skews things.

So! To remedy this, I’m including a little sampler for the illustrated fanfic option, plus another poll at the end of this post to see if said sampler changes your mind on what you would like to see medium-wise. Without further ado, here’s a quick context summary and the aforementioned sampler!

CONTEXT: Darkrai wakes Twig from a nightmare in this scene, but in doing so witnesses a memory of her past that she's been hiding the return of from everyone she knows.

Twig’s surroundings seemed to stutter— jerking back and forth between slow and erratic before beginning to melt. She forced herself to look up from the ground at her feet. She found ice-blue eyes staring back at her from across the visceral scene. And then everything was gone, sloughed off like a second skin, leaving nothing but dripping shadows behind.

Suddenly, she was lying on her stomach, with her guts clenching in fear and a hand on her shoulder. She sucked in ragged gasps as panic gripped her, and when she finally came to enough to recognize Darkrai looming at her bedside, she waved him away perhaps a bit more violently than was needed— though it was hard to care when she desperately needed to focus on getting control of her breathing.

When her lungs finally decided to listen to reason, she spat a quick flame and lit the lamp she kept next to her bed. Darkrai swiftly retreated into the shadows, settling in the opposite end of the room and out of reach of the lamp's illumination, though not that of her tail’s flame. His eyes never left her.

She didn't ask for an explanation. He still broke the silence with one. "You looked unwell. Pained."

Oh. She let out a short, dry laugh at that. Guess he freaked out the same way she had when Grovyle took a nap around her for the first time. She'd woken him in a panic because she thought he was dying, what with how he cringed and contorted himself in his sleep.

"You wouldn't wake when addressed, nor when shaken," he continued.

Another dry sound, though this one walked the line between laugh and sob. The irony was not lost on her— Darkrai, lord of nightmares, unsettled by someone being affected by his powers. It was kind of sweet, in a pitifully twisted way.

Despite her reluctance to ask it, she still found a question falling from her mouth half-formed. “How much did you…?"

Silence.

When he finally spoke, it was with a noticeable discomfort in his unflappable tone, and for a heartbeat, he turned away. "Enough," he murmured. "I saw enough."

Quiet swallowed the room again, the flicker of lamplight the only motion in the awful stillness. The pokemon across from her was unmoving, unflinching. He didn't look away again, and the way his gaze dissected her every twitch was nauseating.

This was, to put it in the most joyous of terms possible, agony. Real, true agony beyond anything she’d experienced. Agony because she hadn't told anyone about this memory since it returned. Agony because it was the only memory that had returned. Agony because it was Darkrai that found out. Agony because Darkrai had already found out, before his botched escape into the passage of time, and he hadn't said anything— and not out of some sense of compassion or pity. It was because she knew what the icy gaze that flashed in her nightmares back then meant, and because he knew she had witnessed him prying. It was because she had a dirty little secret she hadn't admitted to anyone—that she had barely even admitted it to herself— and he had made it into a carrot on a stick, into something to get her to pay attention and follow along with everything he said and did— because if her focus slipped up for a second as he spoke to the terrified people of Treasure Town, he would hint, and people would worry, and she couldn't handle the people who deserved so much more than her fretting over someone who didn't even deserve to exist.

(When Kip and Twig refused to fight Darkrai initially, he decided to give them a bit of motivation to confront him in his trap. Everyone in Treasure Town began having nightmares of their worst memories whenever they closed their eyes. She overheard the Guildmaster quietly discussing an old mentor he was forced to part from with Chatot. Marill came to the market alone one day, looking skittish and fearful, and said Azurill was torn up about the mess with Drowzee bugging him again. Kip cried on Twig's shoulder about seeing his parents in his nightmares, only for them to disappear without a trace as evening fell and the happy memory curdled— a newly christened orphan, the old wound made fresh once more.

(Twig had nothing. No bad dreams whatsoever. No nightly reminders of why she'd left humanity behind. No midnight rehearsals of the reason she kept her distance from everyone but the select few who could touch her under specific circumstances. Nothing.

(Darkrai knew. And this felt somewhere between an olive branch and a debt he intended to collect.

(Twig said she'd been dreaming of the execution posts in the Dark Future. Kip nodded sympathetically through his tears.)

She took a deep breath, staring at the cold, pinprick glow coming from the darkness of her home.

He had known before. And he knew now. Might as well take back some of the control here and explain what he no doubt was registering wasn't just the figment of a stressed-out, weary brain.

"I was human, once," she said.

The light of his eyes dipped and raised, barely, as he nodded. He knew that already.

OMITTED: Twig describes her backstory as a human here. This is not included due to her original backstory now being of dubious canon thanks to rewrites. You can imagine whatever tragic incident you suspect motivated Twig to the surface is described here and it’ll do the job.

"… I couldn't live like that, and I couldn’t stomach the thought of speaking out, so I left. Grovyle found me, and the rest is history."

The glow of Darkrai's eyes in the dark didn't waver.

"It's not… It’s not a big deal, you know. I don't even have the same body that any of it happened to, anymore."

He didn't speak.

This silence was going to strangle her. Would he just react, already? She said all of this to take ownership of the secret’s reveal, but it still felt like he was the one holding all the cards here, even if he had a distinct air of unease about him despite his menacing presence in the darkness.

"You knew,” she said. She intended it to be comforting— a way to smooth over the tension in the air. A lie of omission where one could assume he had been her trusted confidant in an ugly situation, instead of teasing at the truth in front of everyone she knew.

Silence.

"Nobody else did, not even Kip, or Grovyle, or— anybody. But you knew," she repeated herself, feeling her voice jitter with nerves.

But he saw through the lie, because of course he did— because she couldn't keep any secret away from ice-blue vivisection. Not then, and not now.

"You didn't want me to," he murmured, and it wasn't a question. He knew. He always did, and he always would.

She put out the lamp and rolled over to face the wall, and she didn't speak another word all night.

excessively long and complex read on pillar john, and the larger john collective

there are a lot of things in pizza tower that, to one extent or another, Are John. some, like the pillar johns, have known and stated canon; but there's a myriad of other things, from mini-johns to the tower itself, that could also be argued as Being John. this post aims to reconcile all of those things as different facets of the whole being that is "John".

now right out of the gate i want to be real. i want to level with you for where im coming from with all this. i do think john is akin to some kind of god. i don't mean this in a super literal sense, but this dude is absolutely [conditionally] immortal to me. he's been around for a very very very long time, and will likely continue to exist almost indefinitely. barring specific circumstances.

i don't have an exact image for the first type of john, so i'm using this scrapped type of block from betas bc it illustrates the concept well enough

this is what i'll henceforth be referring to as "john tower"

this is john in his purest essence; the tower itself, and/or a power or a presence or just a vibe contained in and by the tower's walls and bricks. john tower is 'where' it could be said john's true consciousness and memories lie, but by itself it isn't really "alive" and doesn't have a will its own.

i'm not taking the brick itself Too seriously/literally since it's from beta, but i think it works for the general idea of "John is, and is within, the tower at its most fundamental level; and left to its own the tower will just sorta start making John-type things." Such as the following:

this one i will be calling "real john" this john is the physical, living manifestation of john tower, and what i would properly consider to be "John, Brother Of Gerome". he's a sapient guy with a personality and will and all the stuff that usually comes with being alive. this john is probably the most important type, and under normal circumstances there's only ever one of them at once.

these are just "dead johns". yknow because of the.

yeah. past incarnations of real john that died or got killed, or perhaps just wore out after awhile. real john dying isn't a particularly huge issue because, again, the tower just sorta Makes these things. and boy have there been a lot. they never seem to look quite the same between bodies, but they're all the same john with the same memories nonetheless, and so long as the tower stands, there will be more johns.

these are the pillar johns. this is known. these, as far as i know, are canonically clones of a cursed state of real john, and are mentally all the same guy by way of a hivemind. no speculation to be done here!

this "original john" is also stated canon the current real john, under a curse from pizzahead. physically the same being as real john, so the tower isn't just going to make a new one because this one's not technically Dead. i like to think john is closer to just being another brick of the tower like this, in something of a suspended state between being john tower and real john. still alive and sapient like real john, but much more connected to and in tune with the general sense of Energies of john tower. Has direct control over bits of it, which is primarily expressed as:

mini-johns! as real john is to john tower, so mini-johns are to pillar johns. there is no way to make this less confusing. mini-johns are essentially just random ass bricks and blocks of the tower that pillar john went 'ok little fucker you're gonna be alive now'. they're not part of either the pillar john hivemind OR the john tower collective and operate on their own agenda, which is i suppose is why they attack you, despite john generally seeming to be on your side about what you're doing to the tower. the little guys are a little more removed from their host, and aren't too thrilled about you tearing everything down. or maybe john is just pissed about getting killed over and over since there's no doubt that shit hurted. the john ghost certainly doesn't seem too happy about it either but honestly he's allowed to be a little vengeful in my book.

an aside note but there's also definitely some weird connection between them and [pillar] John Being Dead since they only ever appear during escape, except for in the graveyard-themed level [scrapyard] where everything is already dead... though interestingly not the JOHN graveyard level [john gutter] until pizza time? whatever. i don't have much of a sensible framing for this aside from it just being a general thematic thing and the mini-john section is too long already so i am moving on.

this john i frankly have no fucking clue about and am generally leaning more toward the idea that it's maybe not a literal thing that exists. more just a visual representation of one thing or another?

since it dies when you kill the final/original pillar john my initial read on it was that it's just sorta like an alternate view of original john so you could get a good look at the whole thing not restricted to the space in the 2d plane the player is on, but, crucially, it is missing real/original john's hat, which feels like too central a detail to leave out.

my alternate read on it is that it's a representation of the... overall state of the tower. emotionally, or perhaps structurally, which really might mean thing when you are talking about an arcane structure that is an undetermined amount of alive. either way, it's clear john, the tower, its energies, anything relating to such have been under duress and steadily, irreversibly decaying for....however long it's been since pizzahead took over. bit of a dour note to end on i suppose but that's just the way the tower crumbles man.

you may ask me what all this means for gerome. and i would answer, hell if i know?!? they're said to be brothers and clearly the same Kind of guy, but they don't seem to be cut from the same cloth, as it were. gerome doesn't seem to have Powers:tm: like john does, or pizzahead certainly would have been using him for shit as well, and there's also not a million versions of him lying around to land him in that weird pseudo-immortal space like john.

my best guess is he's something more intrinsically connected to the treasures, and something of a life support system or failsafe for the tower. i'm not sure how to Coherently articulate my thoughts here, but it's something like...little guy fundamental to but also entirely separate from the tower, made to help with its general upkeep [janitor stuff] and also to protect itself in dire straits [treasures]. not in any way attached to the john collective so that if something goes wrong there, at least gerome's small part of the tower's vibe remains untarnished. something about shaping and fragmenting the tower's energies into and across each of the levels by routing and/or stabilizing it through cloned johns; by proxy still this taps in to the gerome part of the tower's energies which manifests as its own separate door/room within that space that can't be altered by any other force re: the background in the treasure rooms always just being normal purple tower brick. treasures being condensed physical standalone bits of the tower's energy, enough of whatever's been channeled into that area to keep john going when given back to him should something disconnect/destroy the energies of the rest of that area. something like that.

honestly, i still have a bit of a hangup in saying gerome is of the same tower origin as john simply because he's not same shade of purple as all the other john tower stuff, but that's really kind of nitpicking at that point, so. hwatever.

ANYWAY all that said and done the most important thing you should take away from this post is that at one point gerome might have had a brother that looked like this