#of course i am damn grateful for writers
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Slow Hands | Chapter 9
“when the monsters creep into your house”
A/N: so, before we get into this chapter, I just wanted to say that I am still on a break, but I wanted to share this with y’all because I’m so incredibly proud of how far I’ve come as a writer. This story has truly become such an importance to me, and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to share it with you. This break has been everything I hoped it would be and with that, I have restored my love for writing. This is also my longest chapter that I have ever written. 15k to be exact! Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well and thank you for the endless support. In due time I’ll be ready to re-immerse myself into the community, but for now I am content. 🤍 happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate, and free Palestine 🇵🇸 call for a ceasefire now. Also, a big shout out to @angelofsmalldeath-codeine for betaing for me! I appreciate you so much 🥹🤍
~word count: 15k~
Pairing | Joel Miller x f!reader
Summary: after spending the night at Joel’s, the fragmented pieces of your past before Jackson begin to fall into place.
warnings: angst, PTSD, trauma, intense flashbacks, nightmares, child loss, implied SA (not by Joel) heavy heavy topics, hurt, comfort, foreshadowing, implied animal abuse (not done by Joel) soft flirting, protective! Joel, soft! Joel, no age gap, reader has no physical descriptions such as body type or skin color, readers nickname is Beanie (coffee beans), +18 minors dni!
main masterlist masterlist
Joel Miller’s POV
“Spend the night with me, Beanie. Please.” His words fell heavy on his tongue. His heart begging you with a steady thrum to stay. He was nervous. Nervous about how you would react to his request. While he had many moments of raw vulnerability with you, this was by far the most vulnerable admittance. It showed that he felt a deep level of trust towards you considering the only other person who knew of Ellie’s immunity was Tommy. Admittedly, if you said no to his request to spend the night, it would sting, but he’d accept it and give you the time that you needed. That didn’t erase the fact that he was waiting with a bated breath.
“Of course I’ll spend the night with you, Joel. Under one condition, you don’t snore, right?” Your tone was playful, teasing as you gently scratched his scalp with the blunt ends of your nails.
Oh, geez. How was it that one single person could read the room so well? There was something that was so purely natural to you. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Maybe one day he’d have the answer. He was relieved.
“Well, I don’t usually snore, but I won’t make any promises. Is that a deal breaker for ya, darlin?’” She’s spending the night. Here. with me.
He nearly could have purred like a damn cat from how soothing it felt to have you scratching his scalp, and playing with his hair. Oh, he had it bad alright.
“No, just means that I might have to smother you with a pillow if you do start snoring, honey.”
“You wouldn’t dare.” He threatened teasingly as his fingers attempted to lightly tickle your sides, but you were quicker than that. Exchanging pet names felt easy and natural between the two of you. The banter dissolved the tension from the emotionally charged conversation that just took place
“Oh, but I would.”
Your fingers interlaced with his, thumbs brushing across the outside of his hand. He was looking directly into your eyes with a slight tilt of his head. He shamelessly thought about kissing you again now that there seemingly would be no other interruptions. His eyes flitted down to your lips. Soft. Kissable. He hadn’t kissed anyone since Tess’s passing. Even then, they didn’t share many romantic moments leading up to her death. Oh how he wishes he could have just kissed her one last time. You have to let go of the past, remember? Tess is gone. She’s never coming back, Joel. But Beanie? She’s here. She’s sitting right next to you, and she’s breathing. Her heart has a beat and there's blood pumping in her veins.
“If we keep this up, the pizza is gonna go cold, darlin.’” He tilted his head to the side with a boyish grin spreading across his lips. You swore that you saw a dimple peek through.
“Can’t have that happening.”
“Would be a shame..” He drawled thoughtfully.
Your eyes met, soft gazes melded together, brows raised before you broke out into a fit of contagious giggles. You couldn’t even depict the cause of your laughter, but he was short to follow, and man, did it feel good. Perhaps there need not be a reason. Perhaps it just felt natural to burst into giggles after such a heavy topic of discussion. You thoughtfully watched the way his eyes crinkled, and his hand grasped his belly under the worn-down fabric of his shirt. The cadence of your combined laughter echoed weightlessly through the expanse of the kitchen like a feather drifting along a gentle breeze. Ask her now. You can do it, Joel. Let your heart feel, for god sakes.
“Well, now I’m real fuckin’ hungry, darlin.’” He drawled warmly as he reached for your hands.
“Felt good though, didn’t it?”
He smiled knowingly as he nodded, “Felt damn good.” His hands grasped yours firmly before he gently released them and slowly stood up.
Your mouth watered the second he removed the pizza from the oven with a well-loved oven mitt that had little hearts stitched artfully through the fabric. He set the tray carefully along the countertop to cool. “It’s gonna be a few minutes for the pizza to cool. Don’t wanna go and burn our tongues off.” He chortled softly as he slowly descended back down to your level.
His palms were growing clammy by the second as he watched your discreet body language under the soft glow of the overhanging kitchen light. He watched the way you moved in closer to him, as if you were both magnets being drawn together by an invisible force that was slowly reeling you in. He watched your eyes, and how they never seemed to leave his own. He watched the way your lips parted open, soft and sweet like two glistening peach halves. Dew kissed rose petals being warmed by the sun's rays. Joel Miller would never consider himself to be a hopeless romantic, but you’d beg to disagree.
“Fuck it.” he whispered under his breath, nearly undetectable to your ears.
“What?”
He breathed in slow and deep as his lips parted like the narrow sea. “Beanie,” He breathed out. “Can I please kiss you?”
A moment to breathe passed before you slowly nodded in consent, “Yes, Joel. Please kiss me.”
He leaned in slowly, the bridge of his nose gently brushing against your own as he tilted his head to the side ever so slightly. His hands gently rose to caress either side of your face. He held you like delicate fine china in his palms. Those very same hands could take away a life with a snap and twisting of his wrists. You held no fear because you knew this man. You knew Joel Miller as if he had been in your life forever. In some way, he had. Inconspicuously he had touched your life before the outbreak, and now you were finding one another in a new light.
The gap between your lips was tortuously closing at a slow pace. He was taking his time with you, but only if you knew that internally, he was wishing that he could take your breath away with a swift kiss. Time felt like it ceased to exist the moment his lips molded against your own. Although they were slightly chapped, Joel Miller’s lips were like two soft pillows, and he’d describe yours as candy floss. The sweet, sugary kind that used to be consumed in carnivals and fairs. He sighed into your mouth as his thumb brushed across your cheekbone. Your lips moved together in sync, but he could taste your hesitation lingering on your tongue.
“Joel..” You murmured against his lips.
“S’okay,” He spoke with utter reassurance. “You’re safe here with me.”
That’s all it took for you to let yourself go as your arms wrapped around his neck with ease, pressing your lips further into his.
His heart felt ignited with a newfound feeling that had laid dormant for so long. Fuck the pizza, he thought to himself. Nothing can ever come close to this moment.
The kiss was short lived, and lasted all of 30 seconds, but it was only because he could taste the salt from your tears along his tongue as he slowly detached his lips from yours. A tiny sliver of saliva kept you connected, until that dissipated too.
Why is she crying?
Oh, god. What have I done?
I knew this was foolish of me.
He didn’t even realize that his own tears began to free-fall from the corner of his eyes. He was too hyper focused on you.
“Beanie, what’s wrong? Darlin’ is it somethin’ I’ve done? I’m so sorry my dear, I–”
You cut him off with a surprised urgency as your hands dropped to his face and his strong jaw. You nearly threw yourself into his lap from how fervently you kissed him. On instinct, his hands found your waist to hold you steady as he kissed you back with the same amount of passion that you held for him. Your breaths synced harmoniously before you parted ways and pressed your forehead into the fabric of his shirt. An overflowing tide of emotions swept through the two of you as he cradled your head protectively to his chest. His head came to rest upon the lower cabinet as his eyes fluttered shut.
I’m here.
I’ll keep you safe.
No harm will come your way.
My girl. My girl. My beautiful sweet girl.
The pizza had significantly cooled off by the time yours and Joel’s emotions calmed down and he had wiped away every last tear that had dripped down your beautiful soft-spoken eyes. He left your side only to grab two plates and divvy the slices between the two of you. You sat side by side on the floor, as you ate in a comfortable silence.
I should check in and see how she’s doing. Maybe asking her to spend the night was too much.
Maybe this moved too fast?
Maybe I should just shut up and stop overthinking every single little fuckin’ detail.
“How’s it tastin?’” He finally asked as he set his plate off to the side.
“Tastes just as good as I remember it to be. Might even be better.” You responded with a small smile of gratitude.
“You ain’t gotta say that jus’ to be polite, darlin.’ Y’can be honest with me.”
“Joel, it’s seriously delicious. You’re a good cook.”
“And you make a fabulous sous chef.” He murmured with a grin between his teeth as he turned his head to look over at you.
“Don’t look at me like that.” You could feel the heat rise to your cheeks as you rested your plate on your lap.
“Like what?” He asked softly.
“Like I am the only girl in the room.”
His brow raised as he pondered your response. You were literally the only girl in the room, but he was able to pick up on the silent signals, and read the context clues to your words.
“Darlin’, you don’t have to be afraid of me, or this, okay? Look, I understand if me askin’ you to spend the night might have been too much, and if that is the case, I’ve got no problem walking you home. But, if you do still want to spend the night with me, I promise we don’t have to..y’know, do anythin.’” He cleared his throat nervously as his eyes silently searched your own.
“Joel, I’m not afraid of you. I promise that it’s not that. I just—it’s been so long since..I’ve liked someone this much. The last guy I had romantic feelings for, was shortly before outbreak day. We actually had a date planned on the night of the outbreak. He canceled because he said his mom was sick and he needed to go and check on her. I never heard from him after that.” You murmured somberly as your hand slowly came to rest upon his cheek, stroking your thumb gently across the patches in his silver speckled beard.
“Baby, s’alright. I understand. S’been awhile for me as well, as you know. I’m sorry that you never heard from him again. Was he uh—your boyfriend? Or just someone you had met?” He leaned into your soft caress as his hand slowly came to rest upon your knee, rubbing soothing circles into the fabric.
He liked that you both shared a liking towards physical touch. He always wanted to be touching those he loved in some shape or form.
“No, he wasn’t my boyfriend. It was actually going to be our second date, and I was truly excited about it. We met in line at the local grocers, and my clumsy ass nearly dropped an entire carton of milk. He was..really sweet. Sometimes I wonder if he survived outbreak day, and if he did, would we find each other again.” Your thumb gently brushed across his lower lip before you were leaning in and kissing him sweetly as his lashes fluttered shut.
“Oh, darlin.’ I’m so sorry. I jus’ hope that if he didn’t make it, he went out painless. Sometimes I often forget that so many people lost something that night. Friends. Family. Lovers. It’s so easy to get caught up in your own grief and forget everyone else’s.” He mumbled against your lips as he squeezed your knee tenderly.
“It’s okay, Joel. Really, it’s okay. I got over it as soon as I realized that I had a decent chance at survival. Had to push my own grief far into the depths. Tess helped a lot. When we found each other I just had this feeling that it was meant to be. I wouldn’t have made it very far without her.” You slowly pulled away from the kiss as your forehead gently lowered to rest against his. “If I’m gonna spend the night, I sure hope you have a good pair of pj’s for me, Miller.” You teased softly as you gently twirled a strand of his salt and peppered hair between your fingers.
“She’s a good horse. Y’all have a special bond that I doubt could ever be broken. Darlin’ , you can wear any pj’s of mine that you’d like. Y’can keep ‘em too. But, before we head upstairs, there’s somethin’ I wanna show you. Would that be alright?”
“What do you want to show me, Joel?”
“You’ll see, darlin.’ Y’trust me, right?”
“Always.”
Joel offered you his arm like the true southern gentleman he was. He softly told you to leave the plates for now, and he would take care of that later. You took his arm graciously with a gentle grasp as he led you outside.
“Jus’ so ya know, the only two people who have seen my little wood workin’ shed, as I would call it, is Tommy and Ellie. But, you’re awfully special to me, Beanie. And I wanna share this piece of myself with you.”
“Joel, you know you don’t have to do this, right? I am absolutely honored that you want to share this part of yourself with me.” You murmured in a honeyed tone as your fingers gently flexed along his forearm.
He turned towards you, pausing in a moment of thought before he smiled. A real genuine smile that showed the little crinkles in the corner of his eyes that came with the process of aging. How precious a moment for you to see Joel Miller with his guard down. Even in the lowlight, you could see the way his eyes sparkled as he looked at you with tenderness.
“Best get used to it, darlin.’ Cus’ one day, I’m gonna share everything with you.”
His words were taken as a promise. An oath that you were not just a stepping stone in his path towards healing and living a peaceful domestic life. You mattered, and he made you feel like the sun was something that he crafted just for you with his bare hands in his toolshed. And the millions of stars that painted the night sky in twinkling light, were his secrets, and all he had to do was reach up and pluck one from the string it hung upon and bring it down to you. The stardust would bloom like a rose in your palm as if by magic. All in due time he’d bring a star down to you. All in due time.
At least in this lifetime, you’d finally understand what all the fairytales and romance novels were talking about.
His lips brushed your forehead in a velvety kiss before he nudged the shed door open with his shoulder and flicked on the light directly to the left of his head.
Remnants of sawdust coated the air as you followed him inside. His work station was fairly tidy sans a few stray tools that didn’t quite find their home, yet. You could feel his presence lingering behind you as you admired the wood carved fawn that was nearing its completed stages.
“This is darling. Did you make it for someone?” You asked softly as he pulled up the stool next to you and made himself comfortable.
“Made that one for Ellie. After I gifted her that felt fawn from your trinket bowl, I felt inspired to make her a wooden version. Got a rocket ship I'm workin’ on as well, but animal anatomy is far easier to work with than machine parts.” He mused as he rested his palm along his chin comfortably.
“I’m sure she’ll love it, Joel.”
“Hopin’ so. Got somethin’ I’m workin’ on for you as well.” He murmured with a gesture towards the figure covered with a white sheet to keep it a surprise.
You turned your head to the side, catching his gaze before you smiled. “Really? Can I see it?”
“‘Fraid not, my dear. Ain’t finished with it, yet. And I wanna keep it a surprise for now. Think you can be patient?” His brow raised as his lips curved up into a small grin.
“Oh, alright. I suppose I can be patient, for now.”
“Are ya sure you’re actually capable of being patient, darlin?’ He asked teasingly, his eyes flickered with unbridled mischief like two high-hanging mirror balls.
You leaned in with the same mischief dancing in your irises. It felt good to flirt, real good. He could easily say the same thing.
“I think the real question is, are you capable of being patient, Miller?”
A challenge. And a good one at that.
Joel had felt like a horny, love-sick teenage boy all over again.
He reveled in it.
Before he could answer, you slipped off the other stool with ease as you gingerly picked up one of the wood chisels that was laying around nearby. You twirled the handle in your palm with glee as you danced around the workbench, feeling his eyes never leaving you.
“So, what’s this one called?” You knew it was a wood chisel, but playing dumb for a moment felt fun and carefree.
“It’s a wood chisel. S’what I use when I'm carving out details and such. Got a whole set of ‘em. They’re quite handy.” He was already up from his stool as well as he followed you around the corner of the workbench.
“Fascinating.” You responded with a playful grin as you placed the chisel down where you found it before picking up a small screwdriver. “And this?”
He chuckled, shaking his head with a grin. “That would be a screwdriver, princess.”
Something unreadable flashed in your eyes. It was there, and gone as fast as it came.
“I totally knew that.” Your tone was an octave higher than usual, but you masked it well by tossing the screwdriver to the side before reaching for his hands.
“I know you did, honey.” He drawled smoothly as he found himself stepping between your legs where you were casually leaned up against the bench.
You were locked onto one another like two magnets as he slowly brought your interlocked hands above your head. He studied your expression for a moment as he silently waited for your consent, and once it was given, his lips were pressed to yours once more as your back naturally began to descend against the saw dust covered surface.
The tension in the air rose and thickened the atmosphere. The only sounds that could be detected were your lips moving in a passionate filled embrace, and the crickets chirping just outside the door.
He was the one to break the kiss with a breathy chuckle. “Seems like you and I are turnin’ into a couple of horny teens, huh?”
You liked the way his cheeks were flushed, and his lips swollen from your kisses.
“Indeed we are. I feel so alive. Do you?”
“Yes. The most alive I have felt in years, Beanie.” He murmured as he gently pulled you back up into a sitting position. His hands departed from your own and proceeded to brush away any sawdust that had stubbornly clung to your clothing. “Let's head in, yeah? I’ll make us some tea before bed. Chamomile?”
“Sounds delightful.” You pecked his cheek sweetly, and his cheeks reddened once more.
Joel left you to your own devices as he tidied up the kitchen. When you softly protested to help with the dishes, he shook his head and gently nudged you towards the staircase followed by a short peck to your lips. “Go on. I’ll be up shortly, darlin’.’”
“Joel, are you sure you want me to go up there alone? I mean, it’s your private space and–”
“Beanie,” He breathed softly against your lips. “S’okay. I trust you, remember?”
“Okay. Are you sure you don’t want any help down here?”
He shook his head once more as he nudged you up a few steps. “No. I’ll be alright. Go on now.” He pressed softly.
Your reluctance was noted, but Joel trusted you, and that was a fact. So, what did you really have to fear?
Your soft-padded footsteps led you further up the stairs before your body disappeared from his view. His bedroom was down the hall from Ellie’s. Like a classic teenager, her door had a sign in bold red lettering that said “KEEP OUT”. Oh to be a teenager again.
Joel’s bedroom was exactly how you pictured it to be; homey. His bed was neatly made with both sets of pillows fluffed to perfection. On his nightstand contained a book titled, “Idiot's Guide to Space” and on top of the book were his old man reading glasses.
Cute.
You didn’t want to appear as if you were snooping around, but it was hard not to when two seemingly photographs caught your attention. You padded over to the dresser with a genuine curiosity. Upon closer inspection, the first photograph encased a younger Joel with his arm around who you presumed to be his daughter. Sarah truly was the apple of his eye.
“Winning that game was a big moment for her.” Joel’s warm tone lingered in the open doorway.
“She’s beautiful, Joel.” You murmured in response as you gently set the frame down.
“She was.” He solemnly corrected you as he made his way into the room.
You could feel the heaviness weighing in his heart as his footsteps approached. You hated to think that right now he was picturing his baby girl laying in her shallow grave. She was far too young.
“Joel, please. Don’t go to that place. Sarah is beautiful, and I wish I could have had the opportunity of knowing her.”
“She woulda loved you. I’m almost sure of it. The two of you woulda been as thick as thieves.” He was standing alongside you now with his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his worn out jeans.
Your gaze softened as it landed upon the second photograph. Joel and Ellie side by side, looking into Shimmer’s stall.
“Did you mean what you said earlier, Beanie?” His question startled your current thoughts as you slowly met his gaze.
“You mean when I said that Ellie would forgive you eventually, and she just needs time to heal, and so do you?”
“Yes. Y’meant that, right? You actually believe that Ellie can forgive me? That her and I will be okay again?”
“Joel, I believe that everyone can be forgiven to an extent. What you did is what any parent would do for their child. In due time she might understand, and forgive you. But, you need to start believing that yourself. Feel it in your heart that you and her will be alright. These things are delicate, and they take time, Joel.”
You could feel his muscles clench as he inhaled deeply. Sometimes hearing the truth hurt, but it was necessary.
“I guess I don’t know how to be patient at all.” He murmured with a slight shrug.
“No, that’s not true at all, Joel. You miss her, and that is completely understandable.”
“I’d do it all over again. If I was given the chance to make up for it, there ain’t a damn thing I woulda done differently.” His nostrils flared from his admittance. As if he was a once dormant volcano that was becoming active again.
“I know, Joel. I know.” You talked him down.
He appeared to be lost in his own thoughts before his shoulders finally returned to a relaxed position. “Let me get you some pj’s so you can change, and then i’ll go make our tea.”
You nodded silently as he pulled open the top drawer of the dresser and grabbed a pair of plaid pajama pants and plain t-shirt. He placed them gently into your arms. “I think there might be an extra toothbrush in one of the drawers in the bathroom. I’ll uh–give ya some privacy.” He backed off like a dog with its tail between his legs. He could already feel the shame begin to creep up every vertebrae in his spine as he slipped past the open doorway. He just wanted to be normal. To not feel this constant weight on his shoulders, or grief in his heart. He wished for happiness. To smile more. To laugh. To enjoy the life he had left to live. To love without the fear of losing.
You wished that for him too.
When he returned with two steaming mugs of herbal tea, he found you already safely tucked under the covers. ‘The Idiot’s Guide to Space’ book in your grasp. His heart swelled as he set his owl mug down along the nightstand as he offered you the other mug. A moose grazing in a snowy field was illustrated along the outside of the mug. You looked up, pausing in the paragraph you were reading, before grasping the mug gently from him. “I hope you don’t mind me reading it. The title intrigued me.” You murmured.
“Don’t mind at all. It’s got some fascinating stuff in’t.” He responded warmly before he pulled the covers back and climbed underneath them. His shoulder brushed yours as he made himself comfortable.
“Would you like me to read it to you?” Your suggestion was soft and thoughtful as his eyes met yours.
“I’d love that, Beanie.”
You naturally found yourself scooting in towards his side of the bed. You wanted to be closer to him. To feel that intimate connection that had sent a new fire scorching through your veins. His arm slowly came to rest along your shoulders while the back of your head found its home against his chest. His heartbeat was steady, his breaths soft as your words soothed him like a lullaby soothes a child. It wasn’t long before he was nodding off, struggling to keep his eyes open, but he soon gave into sleep and you followed shortly
“Joel! Help me, please! Joel!” Ellie’s screams were anguished. Frightened.
The steps leading to the basement seemed never ending as Joel raced down them. Adrenaline pumped fiercely in his veins. “Ellie!” He screamed, voice raw and cracking. His fists pounded on the door as he desperately tried to break it down. Her terrified screams rattled his skull as the thin skin of his knuckles tore and bled. “Baby girl!” He cried.
Ellie’s screams for help dissipated and turned into a harsh ringing in his ears. The never ending staircase and basement door ceased to exist.
“Joel! Joel! Wake up! Please, wake up!” Your tone was urgent, frightened as you grasped his shoulders firmly to shake him free of his nightmare.
His screams sent a wave of nausea rushing through you . “Joel, you’re safe! It's just a nightmare! It's not real, Joel!”
His eyes snapped open as he took in a lungful of air. His arms encircled around your waist as he looked around the room wildly. His shirt was soaked all the way through. “Ellie! She–she. I–I couldn’t reach her! I couldn’t save her!” He wailed profusely as you tried every attempt to calm him down.
“Joel. Listen to me, baby. It was a nightmare. It wasn’t real. Ellie is safe. She’s safe!” Your hands came to gently rest upon his cheeks as if your fingertips alone could wipe away the fear leaking from his eyes. You kissed away his tears as he trembled in your embrace. He wept as you consoled him.
Your fingers combed through his hair as you began to hum a tune of the past as one last final attempt to bring him back down to earth. Your humming transformed into words as his heart beat steadied its rhythm.
“And you will keep me safe.” You whispered.
“And you will keep me warm.” He croaked.
“And rain.”
“And rain.” He followed with a soft painful whimper.
“Will make the flowers.”
“Will make the flowers grow.” You wept in unison.
Joel awoke the following morning, rising with the sun that was beginning to peek through the beige curtains in his cozy bedroom. He was careful not to disturb you in your peaceful slumber as he detangled his legs from your own before swinging them over the side of the bed with a soft grunt. Despite the familiar ache in his back, he urged himself to stand as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. The floorboards creaked beneath the weight of his footsteps as he padded off to his connected bathroom. Despite the nightmare he endured just a few hours ago, he felt moderately well rested. He splashed a bit of luke-warm water onto his face before he proceeded to brush his teeth.
He returned to his side of the bed shortly after as he quietly dressed for the day before he scribbled down a note for you to awake to. The last thing he wanted was for you to think that he was leaving in a hurry, or feeling like the events that took place last night were a mistake. That couldn’t be any further from the truth. His handwriting was chicken scratch compared to your gentle strokes of the pen, but was legible at least.
Good morning, darlin.’ I'm headed down to the stables to build a pen for Honey. Help yourself to some coffee, and whatever else you’d like. I’ll be back in time to take you to breakfast.
-Your Joel.
So what if he was a bit of a sap, you were, after all, the first person he showed vulnerability to since Tess. This was as big a deal for him as it was for you, but it felt natural. As natural as breathing, as putting one foot in front of the other.
He found Honey still curled up in the corner of the couch as he stopped to give the fawn a gentle pat on her furry little head. He couldn’t help but think of the horrors that would have been unleashed on her if he didn’t rescue her in the woods. Surely, she would have been ripped to shreds.
Vile.
With one final delicate pat to her head, he reached for the blanket that was wrapped around the tiny creature, and gently tucked the corners in so she was a nice snug bug in a rug. he shuffled away to tug on his working boots before he grabbed his every-day use tool box from the closet. A ghost of a smile was tugging on his lips as he swung the metal loop of his house keys between his fingers. He was so lucky to know that just up the stairs, you lay beneath his sheets.
Even in the early morning hours, Joel could taste humidity on his tongue. July was already proving to be a sweltering one. He was too caught up in his saccharine thoughts of you back in his cozy home, to hear footsteps approaching behind him. Well, it also didn’t help that he was partially deaf in his right ear.
When he pushed open the stable doors, he was greeted with a few friendly nickers as he made his way down the stall aisle. He had developed a particular soft spot for your mare, Tess, for obvious reasons. She was sweet, gentle, kind-hearted just like you. And as silly as it may sound, he saw his Tess in your mare’s eyes.
Tex’s sleek black neck was already craning over his stall door as he pressed his velvet soft muzzle into Joel’s flannel pocket affectionately.
“Ah, I see. Am I jus’ a treat dispenser to ya now, Tex? Knew that Beanie was gonna give ya a sweet tooth.” He murmured with a deep chuckle as he set his tool box down alongside the outside of Tex’s stall. “I think your lady deserves a sugar cube first, dontcha think?”
Tex pawed the loose hay in his stall with a soft snort as Joel reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of sugarcubes to give to Tess. She didn’t like most men in Jackson, but she already adored your Joel.
The tender felt moment between beast and man was cut short from the sound of the stable doors creaking open once more. There was a sudden edge to the docile air as Lucas strode in casually.
Joel’s jaw clenched harshly under the dust filled light rays that trickled in through the cracks in the stables roof. Golden light flooded through the spaces between the wood as his eyes narrowed downwards between his boots. He was not in the mood for conversation of any kind this early in the morning, and especially not from an individual he already believed to be suspicious.
“Miller?” Lucas asked as he approached with his arms swaying at his sides. “What’re you doin’ up so early?”
“Could ask you the same,” The older man muttered under his breath.
Lucas heard him, but pretended he didn’t. “What was that?”
Joel kicked at a stray rock with the toe of his boot as he straightened himself up so that he could appear more intimidating. “I think you heard exactly what I said.”
Lucas raised a brow with an amused grin as he stopped in front of Tess’s stall. “You really can’t fuckin’ stand me, huh?” Before Joel could answer, Lucas waved him off as if they were friends having a minor disagreement.
Tess immediately took a few nervous steps back from where Lucas was leaning against the side of her stall door. Her sudden erratic behavior set Tex off immediately as he pawed the ground fiercely, and flattened his ears to the back of his skull. A territorial display that sent hairs standing up on the back of Joel’s neck almost immediately.
Joel knew that horses had a tendency to be sensitive towards certain people, but he had never seen Tess respond in this manner. It was..odd.
Lucas paid no mind to the mare's behavior as he focused his attention back on the older man. “So, who does this beauty belong to anyway?”
Joel started to stiffen before he relaxed his shoulders with a slow roll. “She’s Beanie’s.” he muttered flatly as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a few more sugar cubes and held them outstretched in his palm towards Tess.
Your mare took a few timid steps forwards, before she gently ate the treats right from Joel’s palm. However, as soon as Lucas reached his hand upwards to stroke her snow white neck, she shied away from his touch as the whites of her eyes shone like two pale ghosts as Tex proceeded to send his hoof colliding loudly into the side of his stall; don’t mess with his lady.
Lucas oddly didn’t seem fazed by the mare’s bizarre behavior as he shrugged his shoulders with exaggerated casualness, “mares have never been a fan of me.”
“Can’t imagine why.” Was Joel’s gruff response as he turned his back to pick up his toolbox once more. He proceeded to ignore the ‘intruder’ as he set to work on building a pen for Honey right next to Tex’s stall. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
The only problem was that Lucas had a godawful time at reading the fucking room, or he was doing this to get a rise out of Joel on purpose.
“Speaking of you and Beanie, what’s goin’ on between the two of you anyway? Hearin’ whisperin’s here and there that you and her are like an item.” He drawled smoothly.
“Ain’t think that’s much of your concern, or business to have, Lucas.” Joel’s tone was muffled as he spoke into the fabric of his flannel along his shoulder.
“Ah, I hear ya there, brother. Gotta be careful with a woman like that. They can be real heartbreakers if ya ain’t careful.”
He’s baiting you, Joel. Don’t fall for it.
“Yeah? How would you know the type of woman she is, and isn’t?” Joel delivered his response with ease as he pulled out a tape measure.
“Not sayin’ that I do, jus’ that I've been around enough women like her to know what I'm talkin’ about. And a woman like that can’t be held down. They’re flighty and callus. One second you think you’re special to them, and the next—”
“Well, who said anythin’ about me wantin’ to hold her down? She’s her own person, Lucas. I don’t own her.” Joel gritted through his teeth.
Don’t give in. Don’t give in.
Joel could hear the younger, cockier man smirking through his teeth. “So, she’s not your girl then is what you’re sayin?’ Huh. I surely thought you two were an item.”
The sound of the tape measurer clanking into the toolbox with a loud thud was all Lucas needed to know that he won. Joel straightened his back as he stood up and whipped around, fully ready to go toe to toe to get this gnat out of his face.
“Y’know what you remind me of? A snake.” Joel seethed as his fists trembled at his sides. “A snake in the tall weeds just waiting to strike. What’s your angle, Lucas?” his eyes narrowed as Lucas watched in pure amusement to watch the brave and unmovable Joel Miller slowly losing his composure.
“A snake, huh? Think more like a wolf. And you’re the boneheaded moose thinkin’ you’re unbreakable. Look at you now, Joel Miller. Trembling with rage from just my words. You know what I think?” He leaned in close enough just in case the older man couldn’t clearly hear him. “Even the strongest moose can be taken down by a pack.” He sneered.
Something inside of Joel snapped like a coil being pulled tight and he saw red as his hands grasped the lapels of the younger man's shirt with a furious rage.’ “Y’want me to go ahead and fuckin’ break the other wrist, huh?! Cus’ I can do that. Right here. Right now if you wanna keep makin’ these threats. We can have a real fuckin—”
“HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN’ ON HERE?” It was Tommy, and Joel had never felt so relieved to see his brother in that moment as he released Lucas from his death-grip grasp.
Lucas looked like a deer in headlights as he was not expecting Tommy’s sudden arrival. Yet, he held his composure as he combed his fingers through his hair. “Your brother here was jus’ threatening to break my other wrist jus’ now.”
“Yeah, I heard that bit, right after you threatened him first. Get lost, now. Before I change my mind and report this directly to Maria. The hell you thinkin’ rilin’ my brother up like that?!”
Lucas was dumbfounded and ego-wounded. Most importantly, he was and always would be a coward. His eyes locked on Joel’s, and then Tommy’s before he slunk away in a wolf-like fashion through the stable doors.
Neither Miller brother spoke for a while as it appeared they were processing what had happened. Joel opted to slowly sink down between Tex’s and Tess’s stall with his hands resting between his knees as he worked on steadying his heartbeat to normal.
“Hey, Tommy?” Joel started, “How much of a’that did ya hear?”
“Enough to know that Lucas was purposely trying to get a rise out of you.” Tommy responded as he walked over to Timber’s stall and tightly shook his head.
Joel breathed out an immediate sigh of relief as he slumped back against the stall doors. “Tommy? Did Lucas show up to Jackson before, or after you and Maria found Beanie?”
Both brothers slowly met one another's gaze as Tommy gently stroked Timber’s neck with a steady palm. “After,” he confirmed Joel’s immediate suspicions.
Joel watched in silence as his brother walked over to him before he bent down and offered Joel his hand to help him up.
“Tommy, how come I didn’t hear ya come in?” Joel mumbled as he firmly grasped his brother’s hand before pulling himself up to his feet with a grunt.
Tommy could feel his heart begin to slowly sink into the pit of his stomach. Just like the way that the sun would gradually dip behind the horizon at the end of each day. He gave his brother a mournful look as he gently placed his hand along the right side of Joel’s head, and brushed his thumb across the scar. Right against the spot where the bullet missed. “Y’know why, brother.” He murmured softly with a heavy heart.
Joel knew, it was there, written into his skin. He swallowed his tears that were beginning to brew as he wrapped his arms around his brother and hugged him tightly. “Tommy, somethin’ ain’t right here. I’m gettin’ that sick feelin’ in my stomach. Were you here to see the way Tess acted towards Lucas?”
“Somethin’ definitely ain’t right. I told ya that I’d have your back, big brother. Remember? I arrived a bit too late. Musta missed that bit.”
Joel nodded as he slowly dropped his arms to his sides. “Well, she flipped out. I’m talkin’ like a complete 180 as soon as Lucas tried to touch her, Tommy. Pissed Tex the hell off as well. Somethin’ about it was...odd. Almost like she recognized his face or, she jus’ could sense that he ain’t a good person.”
“Well, horses are pretty sensitive creatures, so it is possible that maybe...”
Joel’s jaw inwardly clenched as his brain was replaying the events that just took place. There were numerous red flags that went ablazing. Tess’s fear towards Lucas. Lucas prying for information… And what the hell was the whole thing about him referring to himself as a wolf, and Joel as the boneheaded moose?
“I think we oughta start keepin’ a watchful eye on him. For all we know, he could be plannin’ somethin’ right under our noses. Tommy, the last thing you and I or Maria want is for someone to turn up missing. What about Ellie and Dina? The rest of the women around here? The sooner we–”
“Joel,” Tommy started with a heavy sigh, “I hear ya, but we need evidence. Cold. Hard. Evidence. I’d start by documenting what happened just now. Write it down in full detail. I’ll write up my own report on it as well. In the meantime, I'll keep an eye on his whereabouts, alright?”
Joel let out a heavy sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.
“Yeah, cus’ that’s the only way Maria would ever believe us.”
“We need to have shit to back up our accusations.” “Hey, while you’re here, mind helpin’ me build this pen for Honey? I gotta get back home in time to take Beanie to breakfast. I left her a note, but I don’t want her thinkin’ that I ditched her or somethin’.” Joel casually stated. Once he realized what he said, it was too late, and Tommy already had a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.
“Hold on a second now. Did you n’Beanie have a sleepover last night? As in she slept in your bed? Woo doggy, it’s about damn time!” Tommy nearly hollered as he went to give his brother a proper slap on his back.
Joel’s entire face turned beet red as he coughed into the sleeve of his flannel to hopefully hide his obvious blushing. “Uhh–yeah. You can call it a sleepover, I guess? Look, I don’t need ya goin’ and makin’ a big deal outta this. We kissed, and then I asked her if she would spend the night. That’s all that happened.” Well, we kissed a few times actually.
“Y’all kissed?! Joel, this is a big deal! Are ya kiddin’ me? Big brother, this is amazing news! Look at you bein’ the romantic!”
Joel let out a frustrated groan when he realized he wasn’t gonna get out of this one that easily. “Yeah. Yeah. We kissed, and I really like her, Tommy. So, can we just keep this between the two of us? I don’t want Maria, or anyone else for that matter gossipin’ about my private life.”
“Riiiight. Cus’ I’m jus’ gonna go and shout it from the rooftops that my big brother finally grew a pair and kissed the girl. Thank fuck. Honestly, I'm surprised it didn’t happen sooner.” The younger Miller brother was genuinely happy for his older counterpart. Everyone deserved that someone in their life, but Joel especially.
“I was jus’ buying myself time. Last thing I'd ever wanna do is unintentionally offend or hurt her. Now, will ya do some work for once in your life and hand me those wooden boards o’there?” he gestured to the planks of wood that were resting along one of the empty stalls. “All I will say is that woman is amazing. Not to sound like a total cliché, but she’s a breath of fresh air. Sunlight after a raging storm. She’s–”
“Made of stardust and coffee beans.” Tommy chimed in with a playful grin. “Well, you got it bad, Joel. S’alright. Happens to the best of us.” He shot his brother a knowing wink before he retrieved the wooden boards with ease.
Joel couldn’t help but allow a tiny glimpse of a smile tug on his lips from Tommy’s words. A moment of peace and blissful thoughts was better than dwelling on the elephant in the room. Something was unquestionably off about Lucas, and his rather alarming behavior.
*end Joel’s POV*
In the safety and familiar warmth of Joel’s sheets, your mind was free to wander and romp. Your brain's natural defenses to block out painful memories and terrifying events, crumbled as you subconsciously breathed in the comforting scent of Joel, your Joel. Unbeknownst to you, he was your ticket to peace. Your shining beacon of light through a pitch black formidable darkness.
As a gentle breeze swayed through the curtains in his bedroom, you were subconsciously reliving your time before Jackson. Before Maria, Tommy, and Joel. Memories that were once fragmented and jagged, were being pieced together behind softly closed lashes.
dead of the winter; post outbreak. Date unspecified. 50 miles from Jackson.
Tess was gradually growing weaker with each step she took through the billowing snow. Your horse was strong-footed and able bodied, but even she had her limits. You were beginning to feel numbness engulf your body. It felt like a thousand shards of ice impaling your skin. Your lungs ached and burned from the sub-zero temperatures. Your fingers and toes were growing stiff as you urged your mare onwards.
“Just a bit further, please, Tess. We—we can’t stop now.” You murmured through chattering teeth as the wind whipped wildly and howled in your ears.
All hope seemed to disintegrate through your frozen lashes as you could feel your body begin to shut down. It was giving up, but you weren’t ready for death's cold grasp.
You were a survivor, after all.
Smoke. Fire. Warmth.
A miracle, or a hallucination created by your deteriorating body. The fact of the matter was that you were not going to die tonight. Tess seemed to sense your desperation and urgency as she forced herself to continue forward towards the looming evergreens. The distinguishable smell of ash wafted through your nostrils the closer you drew to the campsite. You knew that fire also meant danger, but your brain had gone into survival mode and could give less of a fuck about that.
The campsite you and Tess stumbled upon seemed to be unoccupied. It should have raised your suspicions, but when you collapsed from your saddle and landed on the snowy ground with a soft thud, you convinced yourself it was a miracle. You dragged yourself closer to the fire with whatever strength you had left and rubbed your frozen gloved hands together to create some friction.
Tess’s velvet soft muzzle nudged at your back as she checked to make sure that you were okay. Her ears perked and flicked in the direction of a familiar nicker as she lifted her head quickly to observe her surroundings. Four horses were seen happily munching away on a heap of hay. Your poor mare hadn’t eaten in what felt like weeks, and her own survival instincts kicked in as she approached the other horses with timid curiosity.
Your eyes fluttered shut as you hunched over in relief. You didn’t believe in God, but if you did, then this fire must have been brought to you by a goddamn angel.
Your relief turned to dread the moment you felt the cooling sensation of metal kissing the back of your neck.
“Don’t fuckin’ move.” The voice commanded as you slowly raised your arms above your head to show that you were no immediate threat.
“I’m—sorry. I assumed no one was here—I’m freezing.” Your teeth were still audibly chattering as you craned your neck to look up at the person the voice belonged to.
A man.
“Are you alone?” He had not removed the barrel of his gun from your neck as he proceeded to pat you down with his freehand.
“Yes, I am alone.”
He paused momentarily as he pondered on what should be done with you, the intruder.
“Where are you headed to?” He asked firmly.
“Nowhere. Just got caught up in this storm, and seeking shelter.”
“I see..and you’re not lyin’ when you said that you’re alone?”
“I swear on my life, I am alone. It’s just my horse Tess and I.” You pleaded softly as you took a shaky inhale through your nose.
“I believe you.”
Your shoulders immediately slumped in relief as you released the breath you were holding.
The man slowly retracted his gun into his holster before he offered you his hand. The first thing you noticed was his tattooed skin on the inside of his wrist. The fabric of his jacket had lifted just enough for you to make out the design. A wolf head with beady red eyes that appeared to be staring right into your soul.
“Thank you. I’ll be out of your hair by the morning. I just need to warm up a bit if that’s alright?” You grasped his outstretched hand as he gently hoisted you to your feet.
“Nonsense. You’re freezin’, and probably starvin’, right? C’mon, let’s get you somethin’ to eat.”
You were beyond starving, but he didn’t need to know that. You were slightly weary of this stranger's sudden hospitality, but that didn’t deter you from making the choice that would haunt you forever.
“I suppose..I could eat something.” You mumbled under your breath.
He smiled, it appeared genuine on the surface, but it masked unspeakable evil beneath white teeth, and kind eyes.
He told you his name, and you told him yours as he led you to his nearby tent. Your body shamelessly relaxed as he offered you safety and food in your belly. If only you knew what was to come.
You didn’t leave the following morning. Or the morning after . Nor the morning after that. You stuck around because the truth was, you weren’t going to survive on your own for much longer, and here was an opportunity that your brain was screaming at you to not pass up on. Endure and survive, and survive you did. Even if it meant joining a raiders camp.
It didn’t happen overnight, as trust takes time to be built and nurtured, but when it did happen, the lines were gradually blurred. Was this a genuine feeling from your heart that hadn’t been touched by another soul since before the outbreak, or was this simply your brain concocting a plan to keep your heart beating, and your blood pumping. The fact of the matter was that you firmly believed your body was incapable of dipping back into the shredded remnants of intimacy that you left behind in Austin. One thing was for certain, this man offered you protection, warmth, and steady nutrients, and you’d be damned if you let that go.
In your eyes, you consensually engaged in a physical relationship with this man. Make him want you. Make him need you so much that you’ll never live in fear again. Because once you make him believe that he is important, he’ll protect you till your last dying breath.
If only it were that easy. If only you knew that the monsters weren’t the cordyceps, but instead they were shaped as a man that you willingly shared a tent with.
You thought you had played him like a fiddle, but he was onto you without you realizing it. He had your little game all figured out, and when you did, it was too late.
Those same kind eyes, and bright smile was the last thing you remember seeing before everything went black as your body slumped into his lap. The tea mug that was in your hands now clattered to the ground, shattering upon impact. Your arm fell limp at your side as your breath stilled. Unbeknownst to you, the tea he gave you was laced, and now you were at his mercy.
When you awoke the following morning, your mind was groggy and laden with confusion as you tried to piece together the missing fragments of last night’s events . The ground was cold beneath you as your eyes fluttered open. The coolness of metal bit fiercely at your bare skin giving you goosebumps You were encaged; literally. Surrounded by steel bars as you struggled to pull yourself up into a sitting position, but it felt like your body weighed a ton of bricks. You tried to scream, but your vocal chords felt shot as your voice fell silent.
You shook the bars with a new instilled fear as tears flooded your cheeks like a rushing river. Your eyes frantically looked around as a heavy pair of boots slowly approached.
“Wouldn’t do that if I was you, princess.” The familiar voice cooed unpleasantly and bile rose up your throat.
“You—you did this to me! Why?!” Your voice cracked. Your brain was scrambling to piece your broken memory together. One moment you were drinking tea, and the next—
“You played me for a fuckin’ fool. Thought you could just use me for your own survival, huh? Well, baby, hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you ain’t fuckin’ goin’ anywhere.”
“What—what are you talking about?! What did you do to me?! Where are my clothes?!”
He crouched down as his cruel gaze met your frightened one. His hand grasped your chin harshly as he yanked your face against the bars that encaged you. “I put you in your fucking place. Did you really think I wouldn’t catch onto your little game? You think you’re so fuckin’ smart, huh? You thought you had me all figured out. That’s where you’re wrong, baby. Oh so wrong. You’re the fuckin’ fool.”
“Please, I’m sorry! I wasn’t—you’ve got it all wrong! I swear!” You pleaded desperately as he dug the blunt end of his fingernails into your chin.
“Oh, my dear sweet, naive creature, you walked right into the wolves fuckin’ den without even realizing it. You’re the fool for trusting me, and now you’re gonna pay for it until I decide to put you out of your misery. Save your tears, princess. You’re gonna need them.”
You woke up in a thick pool of sweat. The sheets clung to your skin like glue, and it felt like you were trapped. Joel’s bedroom sickly transformed into steel bars. Cold, and biting at your raw skin. You blinked, hoping this was all a hallucination. Your mind just playing a twisted trick on your fragile state. You called for Joel. You called for anyone who could possibly hear your pleas. The more you struggled, the more the bars seemed to close in on you. Suffocating. Stripping your lungs of all oxygen as your hands clawed at your throat.
Where was Joel?
You squeezed your eyes shut tight to the point where it felt painful. Seconds ticked before you finally threw the covers from your body with a strangled gasp. Your eyes shot open as you surveyed your surroundings. The steel bars were gone. The tattoo—
Tattoo
Wolf head
Beady red eyes
You chanted these three phrases under your breath like a woman gone mad. Your skin was clammy to the touch as you stumbled away from the bed.
Tattoo
Wolf head
Beady red eyes
Write this down.
Write this down.
Your eyes frantically locked in on the note that was left along the nightstand. You snatched it up in a fury. Your vision darted across every word on the page as if it held some hidden clue between the lines.
You continued to recite the three phrases as you tucked the note into the pocket of the flannel pajama bottoms you were wearing. Your ears picked up on the familiar sound of the front door being unlocked. Your feet seemed to carry you faster than your brain could process as you stumbled out of Joel’s bedroom.
Tattoo
Wolf head
Beady red eyes
“Joel!” You yelled urgently from the top of the stairs
“Beanie!” He answered back with the same level of urgency. He met you at the halfway point of the staircase before you collapsed into his arms.
“Beanie?! What’s wrong? Darlin’ what’s happened?” His arms remained anchored around your waist as you grasped his forearms tightly, he surely would have indents in his skin from your death grip.
“Tattoo. Wolf head. Beady red eyes.” You mumbled with your forehead pressed deeply into his chest.
“Beanie, what are you goin’ on about? What tattoo? Darlin’, this ain’t makin’ any sense at all! Please, tell me what’s going on?!” He tried his hardest not to yell, but after what happened in the stables, he was in fact freaking out.
“He—he has a tattoo! A tattoo on his wrist, Joel!” You spoke in a frantic, excitable tone.
“Beanie, who has a tattoo?” His tone was hushed, and far less frantic than your own.
You knew his name. You heard it in your nightmare. Five letters. You could say it. You could say it right now and it would all be over!
“The man. He—he has a tattoo. Right wrist, Joel! He has a tattoo. A wolf head! Beady red eyes! It’s on his wrist! I know it is—you have to believe me!”
“Beanie, darlin’, I believe you. Is this the man that?—“
it was as if everything came crashing down around you so suddenly. You stilled in his grasp. Your voice ran silent as you slowly lifted your head from his chest. Your eyes were glazed over as if you were dead inside. Perhaps you were. Perhaps your body was shutting down. Were you breathing? Was your heart pumping blood? Everything was sounding so fuzzy. So far away. The cage. The steel bars. No. No. No. please! You—you have it all wrong! I swear!
You couldn’t hear Joel screaming your name. You couldn’t feel his hands around your body. You couldn’t see him. You were reaching out for him and touching nothing but thin air.
“Beanie, what’s happening?! You’re scarin’ me!” He watched in horror as your eyes rolled back into your skull before you went limp in his arms.
“Doc, I don’t fucking understand. What the hell happened to her?! She was muttering under her breath. Something about a tattoo on a man’s wrist! Next thing I know, she’s talking as if I ain’t even there! Like she was reliving somethin?!’ Then her eyes roll back—and I fuckin’ thought she was dead!”
“Joel, I need you to calm down. She had an extremely intense PTSD episode. I’m not even sure if I have the qualifications to explain it. It was a panic attack that led to her body to shut down ...” The doctor spoke in a hushed tone.
“Don’t fuckin’ tell me to calm down! Do you have any idea what that was like to witness it?! I didn’t even fucking know how to help her, doc!” Joel was gripping his hair so tightly between his fists, it was shocking that he didn’t accidentally tear any strands out.
“Joel, I’m gonna need you to calm down, or you’re gonna get escorted out. Do I make myself clear? Not to mention, you’re gonna fucking hyperventilate if you keep this shit up! I need you to take some deep breaths and pull yourself together!” Doc sounded exasperated as he struggled to keep his own cool.
“Joel?! Hey, hey! C’mon, let’s go take a breather, okay? Ellie and Dina are in there with her. She’ll be fine. C’mon, let’s go take a walk.” Tommy had shown up at just the right time as Joel was thinking of all the ways he could ring up the doc.
Tommy whispered something in his brother's ear as he wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder before nearly having to drag the older Miller brother down the hall through the doors of the med ward.
“Beanie?” A familiar feminine voice asked softly from your bedside.
Ellie and Dina were seated next to the hospital bed that you currently laid in.
Your lashes fluttered open as you squinted up at the annoying bright buzzing fluorescent lights. Your head turned to the side of the scratchy pillow as your brain began to process who the voice belonged to.
“Ellie? Dina? Where—am I?” You whispered with uncertainty as the two teens slowly looked over at one another before returning their focus back onto you.
“Beanie,” Dina started, “you..had a panic attack.” Ellie murmured.
“What? I don’t remember any of it—who brought me here?”
“Joel did. He came rushing out of the house with you limp in his arms. He was yelling for help and we heard the commotion. Beanie, we thought you were dead.”
“When—did this happen?” You asked just nearly above a whisper as you began to cycle through your memories. Unfortunately, a huge chunk was missing and you could feel the frustration tears begin to brew along your waterline.
“This morning. Right before the breakfast bell.” Dina confirmed. She let go of Ellie’s hand as she reached for the box of tissues for you.
“What time is it now? How long have I been here?”
“An hour after the dinner bell went off. You’ve been unconscious all day, Beanie.” Ellie stood up from the chair and approached your bedside slowly sinking down along the edge of the worn mattress. “Can we get you anything? You must be starving.”
Your body sunk further into the mattress as the weight of Ellie’s words made their mark. It felt like it had only been minutes, when it had in fact been hours. “Some water, and—bread with honey? If the mess hall is still open.” You were feeling quite parched.
“Of course. C’mon, Dee. We might have to bribe Angie to whip something up. We’ll be right back. Okay, Beanie?” Ellie gently patted your covered knee before she stood up from the edge of the bedside and offered her hand to Dina.
“Okay.” You weakly responded.
Shortly after the girls left, the door opened once more. Your mind had already hoped it was Joel, but instead you were met with a different pair of brown eyes; Tommy’s.
“Hey, how are we feelin?’” The younger Miller brother softly asked as he sank down into one of the chairs.
“Where’s Joel, Tommy?”
“He’s outside takin’ a breather. Got pretty mouthy with doc, so I stepped in before things coulda gotten ugly. He’ll be alright though. Jus’ need him to blow off some steam first. He’s a bit too excitable to be in here right now.”
You could faintly taste copper along your tongue as you slowly sat up. The right side of your mouth felt swollen and tender, and when you reached your hand up to touch the outside of your cheek, Tommy gently grabbed your wrist and lowered it back down to your side.
“Y’tore your mouth up pretty good. Doc said it’ll heal on its own, but to try and not chew on the right side. Don’t wanna go and irritate it.”
“Tommy, I don’t remember what happened. None of it.”
“Beanie, it’s okay. It was a panic attack. The Doc believes you to have PTSD. You’re gonna be alright. Joel told me that before you passed out, you were muttering about a tattoo on a man’s wrist? Beanie, I know how adamant my brother is about protecting you, but I am too. So, if there’s anything you remember outside of the tattoo, I need you to tell me, okay?” Tommy was a good person. You knew this since him and Maria saved you all those years ago. He never treated you differently. You could trust him just as much as you could trust Joel.
Five letters. Tattoo. Wolf head. Beady eyes.
Tommy wrote everything down.
Ellie and Dina came back with water, bread with honey plus a bit of chili from the mess hall. When Angie heard the news, she wasted no time to whip something up for you. She was such a giving person.
Doc didn’t have any helpful information to relay back to you. He basically just told you to take it easy, and to let your mouth heal. He had no answers to your questions, psychiatry isn’t his field after all. And this made you feel like you truly were just a nutty coffee woman. Maybe even a lost cause. It wasn’t until deep into the night when your Joel finally made an appearance.
You were half asleep when you heard the sound of one of the chairs scrape across the flooring. The sound nearly had you shooting up from the covers before two strong, yet gentle pair of hands eased you back down.
“Shh. It’s okay, Beanie. It’s just me. It’s just Joel.” He reassured you as he slowly sank down into the chair as he removed his hands from your shoulders and rested them between his knees.
Your eyes zoned in on the gauze wrapped around his bicep as he cleared his throat softly.
“Joel, what happened to you?” You timidly asked.
“S’just a scratch, darlin.’ You were holding onto me pretty dang tight. Broke the skin a little, but I’m okay.”
“Joel, I’m so sorry. I never intended to hurt you. I don’t even remember grabbing onto you like that. Where were we when it happened?”
“Beanie, it’s okay. You didn’t hurt me, Angel. You were havin’ a panic attack in the middle of the staircase. I came home from the stables, and you came rushing down, and we met halfway. It all happened so fast.”
“Joel, I did hurt you. You’re fucking injured because of me. I’m so sorry.”
Look what you’ve done.
He’s really going to think that you're just a nutty coffee woman now.
“Beanie, I need you to believe me when I tell you it’s okay. You didn’t have any control of your actions, and I’d never hold that against you, okay? Y’just, you had me so freaked out. You stopped breathing. I couldn’t find your pulse, and I thought you were dead. Thought you had a heart attack or somethin’. Scared me so bad. I’m just so happy that you’re okay.” He was reaching for your hand now as his fingers loosely interlocked with your own.
“I stopped..breathing? Oh god, Joel. I—I don’t even know what to say. Doc didn’t even have much of an explanation for me. Just told me to take it easy and to be gentle with my mouth.”
“He’s fuckin’ useless. I wish he had the answers for you, Beanie. I really wish he did. But, the good news is that I can take ya home whenever you’d like, okay? We can stop by your place, and then head back to mine.”
“Joel, what are you talking about? Why can’t I go back to my home?” He saw the confused frown appear on your lips as he let out a heavy sigh. His thumb gently stroked the outside of your hand as his eyes met yours.
“Beanie, I know you ain’t gonna agree to this, but I think it’s best that for the time being you stay at my place. I want to make sure that you have the time to recover, and the girls would love to spend some more time with you. It’ll only be for a little while. I promise.”
“Joel, I appreciate your offer, but I just want to go home. Can I please go home?”
“Honey, I know you do, but this will only be for a few days tops. I would never force you to agree to this. I’m just suggestin’ it for your own well-being, okay? Jus’ need ya to trust me to trust you. Y’remember that day, dontcha baby?”
Even your stubbornness had its limits. Despite not initially agreeing, you could tell just from Joel’s eyes alone, that he just wanted to take care of you. Perhaps his initial reasoning was a little selfish, but it undoubtedly felt good knowing that someone in this world cared about you so much, that your well-being was important to them.
“Okay. I trust you, Joel.” You squeezed his hand firmly as he gave you a reassuring nod.
Joel gave you all the time that you needed to gather up your belongings from home. He assured you that this would only be temporary, and he just wanted to make sure that you would heal. You were too exhausted to put up a fight as you zipped your backpack up with a sigh.
You loosely held hands the entire short walk back to his home. You could faintly hear girlish giggles coming from the otherside of the front door as he unlocked it.
“Tommy sent Ellie and Dina over to keep an eye on Honey. We finished buildin’ her pen next to Tex earlier this morning.” He murmured softly as he pushed the handle down and nudged it open with his shoulder.
A smile began to slowly creep over your tired features as Ellie, Dina, and a very playful Honey were seen in your peripheral. Dina was laying between Ellie’s arms on the couch while she was holding the baby bottle at Honey’s level. The young fawn was happily drinking her fill from the bottle, her fluffy white tail wagging happily.
Joel brushed past you with ease before he cleared his throat. “Hey, if you want, y’girls can take Honey up to Ellie’s for the night?”
Ellie briefly made eye contact with Joel before she returned her gaze to the sweet giggles coming from Dina. “Are you sure that’s alright?”
“Positive. S’late , and Beanie oughta be gettin’ some sleep.” Joel replied.
“Alright. We’ll get out of your hair then, Joel. C’mon, Dee, let’s go to bed.” She gave Dina’s shoulder a soft squeeze.
Joel watched silently as the two girls departed from the couch. Dina was protectively holding Honey in her arms now as if she was a small child. The two girls nodded in your direction before they headed upstairs to Ellie’s room.
He didn’t sleep a wink. Last night’s nightmare a long forgotten memory. He wanted to make sure you were okay. So, he stayed up for the rest of the night thinking about you and Ellie.
Two days had passed since your panic attack. Joel would be with you in the early mornings before he’d be whisked off on patrol, and he’d be with you in the evenings. When he wasn’t around during the day, you were graced by both Dina and Ellie’s presence. You weren’t aware of it yet, but both girls cared for you deeply. Girlhood was alive and well in Jackson.
You spent the afternoon in the stables with Ellie and Dina Spending time with the horses and Honey. The young fawn was settling into her new home under the watchful eye of both Tex and Tess.
In the evening, shortly after dinner, you suggested to the girls that it would be fun to have a proper girls night. Face masks, movies, snacks, and of course some crafting. You showed them how to make paint paste from crushing down flower petals and adding a bit of water to turn the powder into a workable paste. A dash of olive oil helped lessen the grainy texture. You promised them that at a later date, you’d show them how to spin the clay wheel, just as you promised Joel.
The record player was crackling softly when the front door squeaked open and closed. Joel hung his rifle along the side of the door before he sunk down onto the bench with a soft grunt. His back hurt ten times more than usual today. He and Tommy patrolled for miles under the sweltering sun. And his frustrations were apparent as he unlaced his boots with a huff, and threw them to the side.
Ellie and Dina were seated at the kitchen table, focused on their paintings as you were making a plate of sandwiches to share. Despite being focused on the task at hand, you faintly heard the sound of the front door opening. You knew Joel was home, finally.
He was scrubbing his hands down his face when he heard your footsteps before you sat down along the wooden bench beside him.
“Hey.” He mumbled tiredly as he dropped his hands to his knees. “What’s goin’ on in there?” He questioned as he turned his body to face you, wincing from the strain it put on his back.
“Girls night. You wanna join? I just made some sandwiches.” You placed your hand gently across his own with a soft smile.
“Kind of you to offer, but I ain’t a girl. I don’t wanna spoil y’alls fun. I will, however, have a sandwich if there’s any to spare for me?” He forced a smile through his pain, clenching his jaw slightly.
“Joel, there’s plenty of sandwiches to go around. I’ll fix you a plate, alright?” You squeezed his hand soothingly.
“Thank you, doll. I’ll probably be out in the shed so y’girls have the house to yourselves.” He added.
“How was patrol?” You asked with genuine concern when you zoned in on the red, blistered patch spreading across the bridge of his nose. “You want some lotion for that? Sun must have been brutal out there.”
He scoffed under his breath as he leaned back against the wall. “It was shit.” He wanted to tell you more, but it was too risky. Too much was currently at stake, and he didn’t want to cause you unnecessary stress. You had been through too much. “Yeah, sun was brutal. Spent a lot of time out in the open plains. Ain’t much cover out there.” He drawled.
“I’m sorry, honey. ” You murmured as you reached your hand up and gently raked your fingers through his hair in a hope to bring him some form of comfort.
“S’okay, darlin.’ How are you doin?’” He asked softly as he leaned into your caress. His mind may have been a warzone, but his words masked it well enough.
“Pretty good. Honey is settling into her new home. I showed Ellie and Dina how to make their own paints from crushed up flower petals. We’re gonna do face masks soon and then watch a movie. Are ya sure you don’t want to join?” You leaned in, letting your fingers slowly drop from his hair, and brush across his weathered cheekbone.
“I’m glad to hear it. Face masks and a movie sound tempting, but I don’t wanna intrude and spoil y’alls fun.” He reassured you as he went in for a kiss. You must have sensed that he needed it as soon as his lips brushed yours, and your lashes fluttered shut. The sweet moment passed as he gently squeezed your knee before he pushed himself up from the bench. You watched as he shuffled down the hall and out of sight.
With a sigh you gathered up his discarded boots and placed them neatly on the doormat next to your own before returning to the kitchen. “Are you girls ready for some sandwiches and face masks?” You asked with a genuine smile as you clasped your hands together.
Both girls nodded and offered to help clean up the table first while you grabbed a plate and placed a couple sandwiches on it before making your way outside to Joel’s shed. You found him sitting in silence with his notebook open on a blank page, sans the title in the top right corner; To Bill and Frank. You set the plate down quietly, pressing a kiss to the side of his head before heading back inside the house.
Dina was in the family room with her own plate while Ellie was still putzing around the kitchen. It appeared as if she had been waiting for you to return based on the way she was nervously ringing her hands together.
“Hey, Beanie?” The teen asked as she eyed her drying painting.
“What’s up, kiddo?”
She took a deep breath before exhaling. “How’s um–how’s Joel doin’ lately?” She asked just above a whisper.
“He’s doing okay. Well, at least I think he is? I think Patrol is weighing on him lately. Y’know, I'm sure he’d love it if you asked him yourself.”
A pained expression crossed Ellie’s face as she brought her arms across her chest in a protective motion, shaking her head tightly at your suggestion. “I can’t do that, Beanie.”
“Ellie, look, I know that you and Joel aren’t on good terms right now, but–”
“What do you know of it?” She questioned.
Your eyes flickered to where Dina was sitting on the couch, and then back to Ellie as your shoulders slumped inwards. “Let's go upstairs for a minute to talk, okay? You can help me grab the skincare stuff.”
Ellie glanced back towards Dina before she nodded in agreement and followed you up the staircase.
“Beanie,” She started timidly, “Did Joel–did he tell you about me?” Ellie was a smart enough kid to know the answer, but she wanted to hear it directly from you.
“He did, a few days ago. The same night that you came home and found us in the kitchen. After you left, he told me about what he did to save you and that you’re distant from him because of it.”
Ellie fought the urge to laugh as she leaned against the bathroom sink with her arms crossed. You could see her fingers begin to tremble. “Yeah? Did he also fail to mention that he fuckin’ killed an entire hospital of Fireflies? And he took the choice of making my life matter away from me?” Her tone was bitter as she gnawed fiercely on her lower lip.
“Ellie, he told me everything, and the reason why he did it.” You reasoned with her as you set the jars of homemade clay masks down on the counter. “Before you jump to conclusions, I understand why you’re upset with him, Ellie.”
She looked surprised as she briefly made eye contact before staring at a chipped patch of paint on the wall. “So, you don’t agree with him then? Is that what you’re telling me? He took my choice away, Beanie. My life could have mattered, and he fuckin’ took that from me.” She whispered grimly as stubborn tears began to trickle down her cheekbones.
“Ellie, your feelings are completely valid. But, your life does matter. You are so important. I know it feels like everything has been ripped from you, but you mean so much to him, Tommy, Dina,myself. I know it’s hard, I know it is, kid. He did what every parent would do for their child, biological or not. He’ll always believe that what he did was right, and that will never change.” You reached your hand up and gently placed it along her shoulder as more tears began to fall.
“I just wish he had given me that choice, Beanie. After everything he and I went through? For what? For my immunity to just be fuckin’ wasted? What if there was a chance? What if this cure–” She clenched her fists tightly as she tucked her chin against her shoulder to try and block out the tears.
“Ellie, the journey that you and Joel took together was not wasted. You survived together. You helped him in more ways than you and I can even begin to imagine. You saved him just as much as he saved you. Ellie, he loves you. He loves you so goddamn much. The world is filled with cruel people. People who take advantage of others weaknesses. People who were born with hate in their hearts, and people who learned to hate. To be cruel. To hurt those around them. Do you know what you’ve done for him, Ellie? You taught that man how to unlearn his hatred for the world. You did that, kiddo.”
Ellie’s sniffles echoed against the faded tiles as she wiped her tears on her sleeve. Her perspective of her purpose in life, and her immunity had been skewed for so many years. Marlene told her she could change the world. She could save everyone. She was manipulated into believing that there could be a cure, and as soon as her assumed purpose was ripped away from her, she felt useless.
“There never was going to be a cure, was there? I was..going to die for nothing?” She questioned somberly as her glassy eyes met your empathy filled ones.
“I don’t have that answer for you, kiddo. I’m sorry. Look, I won’t tell you what you should do, but if you find it in your heart to forgive him, start by talking to him, okay? Whenever you feel ready.” You squeezed her shoulder with a reassuring nod.
“And from there?” She asked in hope that somehow you would have all the answers.
“You both get to live in peace as father and daughter.” You concluded.
Ellie was throwing her arms around your neck in an instant, hugging you tightly as she buried her face into your shoulder, sobbing softly.
You let your own arms drape loosely around the teen’s frame as you hugged. You whispered to her that everything would be alright in the end.
“He’s so lucky to have you, Beanie. You’re one in a million, and I'm happy that he has someone. He’s been through so much.” She murmured against your shirt, using the fabric as the vessel to catch her free falling tears.
“You’re one in a million too, kiddo.” You whispered softly, eyes glistening as you rubbed soothing circles into her back.
Joel was sitting out on the back porch. Seated with his guitar comfortably laying across his lap as he plucked a few strings. After writing the letter to Bill and Frank, he needed to take an emotional break from his current feelings. Music always helped, and music connected him to Sarah and Tommy. He was grateful for the fact that he could enjoy something as simple as playing a few strings on a guitar.
Ellie didn’t approach at first. She was nervous, evidently. After her heartfelt discussion with you, she made the conscious decision to finally take the first step in forgiving Joel for what he had taken from her.
Her boots creaked along the wood as his head slowly lifted. His lips parted, eyes glimmering in pure surprise as he set his guitar down to the side.
“Hey, kiddo.” He murmured in acknowledgement of her presence.
Ellie didn’t respond as she walked towards the railing along the porch and placed her hands against the ledge. Her shoulders were tense and stiff as he approached alongside her, owl mug clasped between his palms as his safety net.
“What’re you drinkin?’” She asked while looking down at faded wood on the railing.
“Coffee.” He responded softly while resting his arms over the ledge. “Shouldn’t y’be in there for girls night?” He brought the rim of the mug up to his lips before taking an inaudible sip.
“I just wanted to come out here for a bit of fresh air.” Ellie mumbled her little white lie.
“Oh, I see. Well, I don’t wanna go disturbin’ your fresh air.” He went to walk away, but Ellie stopped him.
“Joel, that’s not what I meant. Look, I just. Fuck, I’m so stupid.” She whispered under her breath.
“Kiddo, you’re not stupid. I jus–” He was cut off by her words slicing through the balmy air like a sharpened blade.
“I was supposed to die in that hospital, Joel. That was my purpose. And my life would have fuckin’ mattered, but you took that from me. I know you were just doin’ what you believed to be the right thing, Joel. I know you were just tryin’ to save me, but I can’t just let that go. I still lay awake at night thinking about what would have happened if I had died in that hospital. If the doctors extracted the cordyceps from my brain and created a cure, maybe the world would be a different place than it is now. I guess we’ll never know because there is zero chance of ever creating the vaccine.” She fought through fresh tears. In truth, she wanted to yell. To scream and pound her fists into his chest, but she knew this was for the better.
“Ellie, if I was ever given the chance, I’d do it all over again.” His eyes locked on hers. “I know I took that choice from you, but Marlene did as well. Why else do you think we were ambushed? Marlene knew that I wouldn’t let you go through with it had I known that you would have to die. I trusted Marlene , and she wouldn’t even let us say goodbye. To talk to you one last time. I asked and she took you to surgery while I was out cold.. I know it was selfish of me. I know it was, but losing the world felt unbearable and I had to save it.” He was visibly showing discomfort by the way his fingers flexed and trembled against the outside of the mug. His words fell heavy as he awaited Ellie’s response.
“Joel, you didn’t save the world. You took the last shred of hope that humanity had and fuckin’ crushed it! I could have made a difference! I could have saved the world, Joel!” Her voice cracked as her words were lodged in her throat from the oncoming wave of tears.
“I did save the world. I saved my world, Ellie. I lost a daughter once, and I wasn’t about to lose another. Not when you and I endured so much together. You may not be my flesh and blood, but you’re my daughter, and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to keep you safe.” His own tears began to prick the corner of his eyes at his confession. His heart clenched and twisted like a fist. “I couldn’t lose you. You mean too much to me, Ellie.” He croaked.
“I don’t know if I'll ever be able to forgive you, Joel. But I would like to try.” There it was. That sliver of hope that you told Joel to hold onto, and Ellie the same. The extension of an olive branch. A father and daughter making up.
A stray tear rolled down his cheek and clinked softly against the rim of his mug. His lower lip wobbled as he sniffled softly.
“I’d like that.”
Ellie released the breath she didn’t realize she was holding as her body relaxed. She gradually found herself gravitating towards him as their shoulders brushed gently.
A moment’s silence passed before Joel spoke again. “Ellie, I need to tell ya somethin’ that only uncle Tommy and I know about, okay?”
“What is it that you need to tell me, Joel?” Her cheek slowly came to rest between the dip in his shoulder as his posture relaxed.
“Tommy and I have been gatherin’ up evidence and writing up reports to turn in to Maria. We’re under the suspicion that Lucas, one of the guys on patrol, has ulterior motives inside the community. I need you and Dina to stay sharp, okay? You see anythin’ suspicious, you alert Tommy and I immediately, okay, baby girl?”
“How long have you been suspecting him, Joel?”
“Since that night at the Tipsy Bison. When I confronted Seth for calling you and Dina a homophobic slur. The same night that Lucas ‘innocently’ grabbed Beanie’s arm outside the ladies room.“ He confirmed.
“Y’don’t think he has anythin’ to do with those charred bodies that you and Tommy found in the woods last winter, do you?” Ellie asked with uncertainty.
Joel sighed deeply as he tightened his grip around the mug. His deep brown pools met hers in a stern, serious look. “I think he has everythin’ to do with those poor women that we found in the woods.”
______________
*Ambiguous POV*
Raider camp. Approximately five miles south of Jackson
“And what if she’s not in her home, what do we do then?” The man asked.
“She’ll be there. I’m sure of it. And in the case she’s not? Don’t you fuckin’ bother showin’ up empty handed. Haven’t you been lookin’ for the opportunity to prove yourself to me? Well, here’s your chance. Don’t disappoint me.” The other man warned his counterpart with a deadly look as he twirled his favorite blade in his hand.
The peaceful utopian community of Jackson would never see this coming.
Banners made by the lovely @saradika 🤍
#joel miller#joel miller fanfiction#pedro pascal characters#pedro pascal#the last of us#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel the last of us#joel x f!reader#joel x reader#joel x female reader#joel x you#joel tlou#protective joel#joel miller fic#joel miller angst#joel miller fanfic#joel miller fluff#joel miller series
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'Please don't say that it's the end for us...'
Pairings: Husband!Hoon x fem!reader
Warnings: swearing (you're just gonna be on a rollercoaster of emotions)
Feat. Jay, Heeseung and Jake of Enhypen, Yeji (Sunghoon's sister) and Jin Ae (y/n and Sunghoon's child
A/n: OMG, I AM SO DAMN EXCITED BC THIS IS GOING TO BE THE FIRST FIC I MAKE. BASICALLY MY DEBUT TO THE ENHABLR WRITER WORLD. I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL ENJOY!!
Tagging my moots who wanted to read: @pockettwinzz @diorsyun @heeslomll @heeslut4life @hoonieshoneymain @rinbowaman @sungvrhs
(Likes, reblogs and/or following will be much appreciated!)
Preview:
Cheating was something you would never do. The thought of going from one man to another, kissing lips that had probably lost its virginity to another woman was disgusting to you.
"JAKE, YOU'RE AN ABSOLUTE DICK, YOU KNOW THAT!?" *Ends call*
You grab a fistful of your hair in fustration, your vision blurs; tears threatening to escape.
'𝐅𝐮𝐜𝐤.'
You were having those moment where you wanted to disappear for the first time in your marriage. Why did you have to be in such a position?
Your heart clenched, lungs filled with some sort of pressure that you found it impossible to breathe. You wanted to scream, until you heard your child's confused blabbering.
'Eomma?'
She stands; soft chubby hands clinging onto the white, painted wooden frame. Head tilted, those gleaming eyes and perfect looks she got from her father stares at you.
With pity, you pick her up, sitting with her on the edge of your shared bed, nuzzling your head in the plush material. Alas, the locked up emotions rain from your eyes, staining the luxury clothes bought by none other than your husband himself.
'𝑺𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒈𝒐𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆...'
Those words clear up your fogged mind, consciousness crystal clear.
'𝑺𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒔𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒇𝒖𝒍...'
It was until then, you realised your kind-hearted child was kissing away those salty teardrops from your cheeks. You were suprised, how she was so alike to her father. Yet, you were grateful she was: he was amazing, of course.
'Hey Y/n, I-' His eyes widen, struck by the state you were in.
'WHAT THE FRICK HAPPENED HERE!?'
You were thankful Jay came. After all, he was Jin Ae's favourite uncle. At least she'll be busy with him, for sure.
'Sunghoon still hasn't come back...' You sob, desperately wanting Sunghoon to just hug you tight and profess his everlasting love to you.
'Something's really happened, hm?'
Jin Ae just claps and giggles, oblivious to the saddening situation that took place. What can you expect from a two-year-old? She may be smart, but she still has a long way to go.
'Jin Ae-ah! Come to Uncle Jay' He exclaims, forcing a smile.
'*groans* Ugh, what's happening? First, I hear y/n shouting and now you're here. Oh, isn't it your daily get-together with Sunghoon?'
'Should've been, yeah.'
You felt bewildered at this point by Yeji's unexpected presence.
'Why are you here Yeji? I don't remember you being here...'
'Hoon called me, asking to watch over you two. Actually, that's weird though: Sunghoon would never leave you two...
𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫.'
#en-geneisaxx#enhypen#enhypen sunghoon#engene#kpop#fyp#enha#fanfic#writer#sunghoon x y/n#enhablr#park sunghoon ff
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ok so i just watched @fordtato and @hkthatgffan 's respective videos about their interview with THE alex hirsch and i wanna just say OH MY GOD like SERIOUSLY
im gonna put my thoughts under the cut so theres no spoilers if you havent seen it already (BUT GO WATCH THEM NOW PLEASE !!!) + its gonna be LONG so BEAR WITH ME
ok, so i have MANY thoughts so sorry if none of this is coherent 😭 (this is not in chronological order of when the questions were asked, just me spewing out my totally normal thoughts about this interview so apologies for that)
starting off:
THE BABY IS SHERMIE?!?!?!? IM SO SO GLAD WE FINALLY HAVE CONFIRMATION WE CAN FINALLY LEAVE THIS TO REST !! I WAS RIGHT THOUGH SO HA !!! ACTUALLY SCREAMING !! TIMELINE BE DAMNED (also another thanks to hana, your timeline video is genuinely awesome. i never shut up about it. ever. any time i talk to my friends abt gf and i need to refer to the timeline i go: "IN HANA'S VIDEO-") anyways, i do understand it was a last minute decision on the writer's part of "oh. dipper and mabel need a grandfather, its not ford, and its sure as FUCK not gonna be stan sooo... third brother?" and i do understand alex being like, "oh, this is about ford and stan only having eachother" so i think making shermie younger was a GOOD THING? like, stan and ford had 18 years of just them so shermie wasnt in the picture, so stan and ford technically grew up on their own so ig it works? also, when stan got kicked out, he never got to see shermie grow up, probably only saw him at events when he had to pretend to be ford (post-1983) and as for ford himself, he was too busy in college and gravity falls to really visit the family so... it works! (despite everything)
that aside, lets talk about THE CRUMBS??? like i have some quotes here because i have a LOT to say:
"theyre both so damaged and they desperately need each other" - alex hirsch (talking about stan and ford)
LIKE SUIUHUSHUSH i HATE these brothers SO MUCH (LIES) i cant actually properly express my thoughts because WOW like its clear that they both have their own trauma and they NEED to address it but theyre both too STUBBORN to do so. theyve both been alone for 40ish years so of course they need each other. they grew up by the hip, so theres no surprise that they both need each other (whether they like it or not)
"[ford's] grateful for the forgiveness he thinks he doesnt deserve" -alex hirsch
ford thinks so lowly of himself at times it HURTS. like the lines in the journal about "only then would the freak return a hero" or about his guilt with bill and everything its just so important to his character im so glad we got so much ford content in this interview. like i am EATING ALL THIS UP RN
"[ford] has to always have a mission in front of him, because if he doesnt have a mission in front of him, hes thinking how have i treated people in my life?" - alex hirsch
ford distracting himself with things instead of facing his problems. probably something he had to do a lot, especially with his time in the multiverse. but it really hurts because i can imagine in the 60s, they never had any great coping mechanisms? so i can assume ford was just conditioned to distract himself from stuff so he never learned how to deal with things. and i KNOW in the journal hes like "i meditate!" and im sure that does help somewhat, but it doesnt address the issue itself soooo... sorry ford, but you cant just breathe your way out of everything
ALSO alex calling ford and fiddlefords falling out a "BREAKUP" (air quotes used) BUT A BREAKUP??? this is just adding fuel to my fiddauthor-infested brain rn. i CANT
and alex saying mcgucket is thinking like, "oh i gotta be a better partner" is HEART SHATTERING like the whole talk about fiddleford being "the building guy" who is kind of just there to make machines and please ford. its honestly so heartbreaking because fiddleford loves ford so much he'd leave his wife and child to go to absolute nowhere, oregon and the fact ford is too arrogant to see fiddlefords admiration and overall love for him its just IUIUAHHAS
and i do wanna say, i KNOW bill played a big part in this, by stroking fords ego and buttering him up with his kind words because he knew exactly what ford wanted to hear and that really affected how ford and fidds' relationship was like but THATS A TOPIC FOR ANOTHER TIME. all i know is that ford isnt entirely to blame, but he still is a massive arrogant asshole and he wasnt the best person to fidds at times (love him tho <3)
but im actually so happy because this interview sheds SO much light onto FORD bcs we BARELY got to know him, and hearing it from MR HIRSCH HIMSELF is just so good because we KNOW its a reliable source because its coming from ALEX YK??? like he wrote ford so he probably knows "oh yeah, that man is guilt-ridden as FUCK" and im so glad we get some crumbs of this guy i cant get enough of him !!! (impatiently waiting for the book of bill)
ANNNDD THE TALK ABOUT MAYBE GETTING A SEA GRUNKS SPINOFF/MINISERIES??? I WOULD EXPLODE GENUINELY ANYTHING WITH MY FAVOURITE OLD MEN PLEASE !! i would genuinely love to see more of their dynamic and how everything is after weirdmaggeddon and like dealing with trauma and UGHHH i would kill for stan/ford content PLEASE
also...
hippie ford.
hippie. ford.
i am never getting over this (im internally SCREECHING)
ANYWAYS THAT WAS MY RANT ABT MY FAV THINGS FROM THE INTERVIEW THAT WAS A LOT GODDAMN
im genuinely so happy with all the questions that got answered, as well as getting some deeper insight into characters and stuff. IM NEVER GETTING OVER THE AMOUNT OF FIDDAUTHOR CRUMBS YOU GUYS
im gonna end this by saying another MASSIVE thank you to hana and hk !! you both put so much effort into your respective videos and it was super super cool !! this was totally worth the wait !!! :D
#yapping#gravity falls#god that was an amazing 2 hours of my life#time to rewatch them again and again until the book of bill releases#btw hana if youre seeing this i loved your puppets#they were very silly#also cant wait for that rob interview. super hyped
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So this is gonna be entirely too much info but like. I've fallen into reading your reader x Izzy fics and I LOVE them! I've been going through a hard time with it getting to Christmas and having no family, and the Izzy fics just make me feel lighter. So mostly just thank you thank you thank you!
Now the cheeky bit - is there any way we could get a Male reader x Izzy with a pride and prejudice element. My friend said something about Con O'Neil as Mr Darcy and I damn near swooned. Either like a Colin Firth wet white shirt scene or like anything like the Matthew Macfayden Darcy (The hands! The sopping wet pathetic man!)
If not, that's more than okay! I still love your work so much! And again, thank you so much for it!
Hi, anon! First of all, I completely understand how rough the holidays can be, especially without family around. My heart is truly with you during these times and I hope you can still find joy, peace, and love this winter. If you ever need anything, I am always in your corner. I know I'm just a random writer on Tumblr but I truly do care for you, each and every one of you, for that matter! I'm happy I could even bring you a sliver of joy with my work. Thank you endlessly for reading, and I am sending an abundance of my love your way <3 feel free to message me if you'd like, I'd love to be your friend! My messages are always open, everyone! But if not, that's okay too. I'm just happy to share this with you!
Anyhow, I absolutely lit up at this request—I love Pride & Prejudice! OFMD and P&P intertwining is honestly heavenly, I got so excited to write this that I put a pin on another x reader I was writing (never fear! You will all get this one by the end of the week if finals don't absolutely drain me!). This one is reminiscent of Pride & Prejudice and the vibes it emits, but more so, my own spin on it, as well as twists and turns. Like, Izzy honestly exhibits more of a Lizzie in this one but it's also very clear his actions parallel Darcy. I really, truly hope you enjoy this nonetheless!
Lastly, speaking of the holidays, I'm thinking of writing some holiday headcanons for Izzy or a few x readers regarding the holidays with Izzy! So stay tuned for that! Thank you everyone for your everlasting kind words, understanding, patience, and encouragement with my slight delay with writing in the past week.
My Gem | Izzy x Male Reader
Warnings: slight angst, some strong language, slight enemies to lovers, not so in depth research of 1700's aristocracy (even though I'm a damn dramaturg, but we'll look past that for now), made up my first non-canon canon character because just referring to her as "she" felt inhumane, brief mentions of fake suicide note, kissing
Word count: 2324
Thoughts of the first mate of The Revenge were absolutely consuming you. Devouring you alive, plaguing you—you truly couldn't get him out of your head no matter how hard you tried. Oh, yes, you tried. But there was no use. Daydreams would always swirl in your mind and they would only increase tenfold throughout the course of your days.
You were grateful that you at least didn't have to carry the burden of breathing the same air as Israel Hands anymore. You would even collapse being within ten feet of him, let alone seeing him every single day. Your chest ached even at the mere thought of the man.
To say you were confused by his last actions toward you was an understatement. Confused, embarrassed, miserable, even flattered...You couldn't get Izzy Hands out of your head. You couldn't get his hands out of your head...
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
"So you really are doing this, then."
"Yes," you nodded. "I am. I don't belong here—"
"You are a damn great pirate," Izzy almost seethed. "I'll be damned if I believe you really want to go back to that...lavish lifestyle."
You looked slightly frantically behind you in hopes that no one heard Izzy's dig at what was about to be your life again. You hesitantly looked back at Izzy, almost biting your lip in disbelief. "I just need to do this."
"Really? That's all you have to say?"
"What—what else am I supposed to say?"
Silence loomed between the two of you. He nervously fidgeted with the coat that Stede had lent him to disguise himself as an aristocrat. He couldn't wait to toss it back into Bonnet's arms, but he needed this in order to see you off safely, without any suspicions of what you had been up to in your absence from the life you were born into. He knew full well that you were making a mistake, but that you couldn't be convinced of this. His chest ached upon realizing that you wouldn't change your mind, that he wouldn't be able to change your mind.
"Goodbye, Israel."
Instead of responding, Izzy carefully intertwined his fingers with yours as you were about to step up into the carriage. You froze, yet began to melt into his touch, his warmth. You finally met his eyes just as he let go of you, and before you knew it, you were riding off into the distance, Izzy becoming a small speck fading from your sight. Before he began to fade out of view, you caught a glimpse of him flexing his hand by his side as he watched you depart.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
You scoffed as the yellow carnation was pinned to your coat.
"Is something wrong, sir?" one of your dressers inquired, concern washing over his expression.
You almost laughed at such a question, thinking back to all of the late nights you spent studying flowers and their meanings, dying to tell him how this marriage was going to be doomed if you had to wear a yellow carnation. At the last minute, you decided against it, holding your tongue. "Everything is perfect. Thank you."
He nodded, exiting the room as soon as he finished dressing you. You turned toward the mirror, a frown falling onto your lips upon seeing your reflection. You had never dreaded a coming day like you dreaded tomorrow. Before you could internally lament further, a rhythmic knock was heard from your door. Genevieve—future wife. How delightful. It's not like you dreaded it every time she walked into a room, let alone walked over to your side, and it's not like you could tell she dreaded you all the same.
"Yes. Come in," you sighed, plopping down onto your bed. Only, it wouldn't be your bed anymore—you would share it with her, come tomorrow. Your solitude would be interrupted and put on pause forever.
Genevieve quickly rushed in, making sure to shut and lock the door behind her. She fixed her hair a bit as she did so.
"What is it that you want?" you demanded softly, your brows furrowing.
"Hello to you too," she rolled her eyes. "I'm not looking forward to tomorrow—"
"That makes two of us, Genevieve! Finally, something we can agree upon," you laughed, falling backwards onto the bed.
"Will you let me finish?" she crossed her arms without realizing it. Once she had in fact realized, an expression of guilt overcame her as she untwisted herself. A guilt you had never once seen her bear. You sent an apologetic look her way. "I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, nor the rest of our lives together, but I just wanted to say that you are lovely. I don't hate you. I just hate this."
"I don't hate you either," you sat up carefully, your head sort of spinning as you did so. "Far from it. This is just an...unfortunate situation we've found ourselves in."
"Yes," she agreed, carefully placing herself beside you on the edge of the bed. "You know, I would love you, if you were...there's no way to dance around this. I would love you if you were not a man."
"Oh!" you realized, looking over at her, relief crashing over you. "And I would probably love you if you were not a woman, quite honestly."
Genevieve gasped in delight, wrapping her arms around you as she laughed happily. You couldn't help but smile upon her embrace.
"Who is the lucky woman?" you playfully smiled, nudging her shoulder. You watched intently as you watched the pigment of her face turn rosy.
"Well...we've known each other since we were babies," she sighed happily. "But our families have been dear friends since before we were even conceived. It would never work out."
"Take "never" out of your vocabulary this instant!" you exclaimed, shooting up off the bed and onto your two feet.
"What are you planning?" Genevieve tilted her head.
You rushed over to your desk, filing through all that had piled atop it until you found a quill, some ink, and some parchment.
"We can't say you've run away—no, that would give hope that you're still alive and then you would be seeing wanted posters with your face plastered across trees anywhere you go," you sighed. "No. We'll fake your death instead. And you'll run away tonight."
Genevieve bit her lip concernedly. "Are you sure this will work?"
"I'm certain," you assured her. "Are you able to communicate this plan to your love before midnight?"
"Yes, she is coming to the rehearsal dinner tonight and I'm sure we'll sneak off to the gardens," she nodded.
"Wait—is that why you and Alice go there every time—"
Genevieve's hands flew up to her face, covering it as she giggled.
"My goodness!" you couldn't help but share the laughter. "Wow. I am not surprised, honestly."
"What about you?"
"Have I ever snuck off to a garden to—"
"No!" Genevieve rolled her eyes playfully. "Do you love another?"
"I..." you sighed. "Well, it's complicated."
"I've got time."
"I'm kind of upset with him at the moment. And I'm not sure how he feels about me. And I didn't realize I love him until after I left—"
"One thing at a time!" Genevieve tilted her head back to laugh. She place a hand on your shoulder. "Why does he have you upset?
"He held my hand before I left." you admitted, staring out the window as you spoke. Most days, you would have the curtains closed in order to mask the view of the ocean, as it would only bring you feelings of sorrow and regret.
"And you really question how he feels for you?!"
"Well, he's not like us," you frowned. "Believe me, I'm glad he's not. Though I just don't think he understands what a touch of the hand means to someone like me."
"You may come from different worlds with different values and rules, but holding hands is still an expression of affection wherever you come from," Genevieve pointed out.
"He did wear a fancy ensemble just to see me off safely..."
Once again, Genevieve's laughter filled the room. "You are blind!"
"It's just hard to tell with him!" you protested, laughing along with her. "He's hard to read. He's...very easily irritated."
"Is he like that when he's with you?"
"Less so, but yes," you shrugged. "He is a complicated man."
"But his feelings for you are apparent."
"My god, I need to go!"
"Yes, you do!" she encouraged you, patting you on the back.
"I can't right away. I have to get in contact with someone first, and if both you and I are found missing or dead by morning, it's going to be terribly suspicious—"
"You will find a way. I know it," she assured you. "Let's go and oversee the menu for tonight. I'm starved."
You laughed as she jokingly linked arms with you, leading you out into what you were about to leave behind once again.
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
All had gone according to plan—you saw Genevieve and Alice off safely, and falsely mourned your fiancée the next day, and for only a few days after before Stede caught wind of your message. As soon as he had, you scurried to the beach, only bothering to bring a few possessions with you. You hadn't even bothered to leave a note—nothing attached you to the aristocratic life anymore. For good this time.
"Captain!" you exclaimed, almost out of breath. "Thank you. I'm so, so sorry."
"No need to apologize to me," Stede assured you warmly. "Believe me, I get it."
"I wish you warned me—"
"Oh, you wouldn't have listened," he teased. "I do regret having done the same thing you had, but if I hadn't, I never would have gotten closure with Mary and bade farewell to that side of me fully. You had to do the same."
"And you and Blackbeard—he forgave you?"
"We're working on it," Stede laughed. "He has, mostly."
"Do you think Izzy will ever forgive me? How is he?"
"Go see for yourself," Stede suggested kindly. "He's on watch tonight. I'll be in my quarters should you need anything at all."
Before you could thank him again, he vanished into the darkness. You smiled, though you could have swore your heart stopped upon the sight of Izzy Hands. You almost choked on the breath you had taken before gaining the courage to waltz over to him. Before you knew it, you were beside him once again. Izzy jumped upon sensing your presence.
"Jesus fuck," Izzy mumbled.
"Hello to you too."
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
"Oh, Izzy, I'm happy to see you too!"
"I'm serious—what the fuck? You just up and leave and then you're back. Is this some sort of pattern? How long will your stay be this time, perhaps only a day, maybe two—"
Without much thought, you found your fingers laced between his once again. Izzy's train of thought stopped in its tracks and all he could focus on now was the feeling of warmth that had been yanked away from him ever since you left, and that now, it had been restored. A warmth he thought he would never get to experience again, nor experience at all. Whenever he spent countless days and hours reminiscing upon it, he scolded himself, convincing himself that he should be grateful he got to feel that at least once in his life. It was one more time than he ever expected he would feel it. It should have been enough, but it wasn't even close. His heart began beating out of his chest—what was this feeling he couldn't quite place? He knew it all too well and he was tired of pushing it down to drown. Eventually, you softly removed your hand, and you noticed Izzy's hand flex by his side once again.
"Did it mean something to you? When you held my hand before I left."
"I was giving you a boost onto your ride," he shrugged it off, turning away in hopes that the darkness would hide his smile.
"Right," you laughed. "Izzy, seriously. I have been going crazy. Every single day, wondering if you ever understood what such a gesture meant to me or if it meant absolutely nothing to you."
"Of course it meant something to me, dammit," Izzy sighed. "You are such a fool if you thought for a second that it didn't."
You laughed breathlessly, relief overcoming you instantly as you pressed your forehead against his. The way the moonlight shone upon his face made him even more breathtaking, even more earth-shatteringly beautiful. You couldn't believe what your eyes were allowing you to see, and you couldn't believe how warm you'd felt. You almost swore you'd never shiver once again. Your lips softly grazed his forehead before you pressed another kiss upon his cheek, before resting your forehead against his once again, your eyes fluttering shut, butterflies flying around in your stomach as you reached for his hands once again.
"Mark my words. I will never, ever leave again—"
"Shh," Izzy gently whispered against your lips. "We can talk about it later."
"Later," you nodded gently as finally, your lips collided. Your heart did pirouettes as your lips danced against one another's. In the darkness of your vision, you caught a glimpse of your future aboard The Revenge, with Izzy. You had never seen so clearly, until now, that you had finally found the place you were meant to be after denying it for so long. You had found your family and your lover, and they were all gathered in the same place. This was a luxury that would always beat the fancy balls you attended, the gold-laced coats you wore upon your back, the gems you were gifted often. Izzy was your gem, and he made your life shine brighter than it ever had.
#ofmd#our flag means death#izzy hands#ofmd season 2#izzy hands my beloved#ofmd s2#x reader#izzy hands x reader#fanfic#ofmd izzy hands#pride and prejudice#loosely inspired by pride and prejudice#i'm back bitches#did you miss me i missed you guys#finals are kinda killing me but i'm also getting through it and my winter break is literally in a day#i love you all#i love my mutuals#please request#requests are open#male reader#my first male x reader i hope this was good!
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The Wrong Paper
You were in your Creative Writing class. The professor was telling you and your classmates not to get preachy with your writing. He had your complete attention as you enjoyed writing and reading. Things got even more interesting when you all received the task of choosing a prompt to unpack with a partner.
You find a hand-written note on your windshield that says, “Drive west for 100 miles.” (Reedsy)
“I’m obviously not gonna do it,” Your classmate said. “What if it’s a setup?”
“Why didn’t the person leave their name?” You added.
“And what’s after the 100 miles?”
You exchanged a few more questions and then individually began responding to the prompt. You could do this all day. Unfortunately, your zone was halted. Your professor called your name. You saw Professor Shuri, which made your imaginary antennas spike.
“I need to borrow you for a minute, if that’s alright,” she said.
“I’m kind of busy,” You said. Seeing the off guard expressions on both professors’ faces amused you. “I’m kidding.” You got up and followed Professor Shuri out of the classroom. She walked briskly, leaving you behind. Struggling to keep up, you gave up and walked at your own pace.
“Is everything okay, professor?” You asked, noticing she seemed tense.
She didn’t answer. She opened her office door and motioned for you to enter. You took in her stern expression and walked in. You sat down and lightly drummed your lap, staring at professor Shuri who was on edge. What was up with her?
You frowned until you were startled by her tossing a paper onto your lap. Her expression didn’t budge when you gave her a WTF look. She nodded at the printed paper in your hands. It was your paper.
Damn, you must have failed it badly.
However, there was no grade. You turned the page and that was when your heart fell.
You felt like your soul left your body.
Not only was this paper for the wrong class (Professor Shuri didn’t teach Creative Writing) but it was also the wrong paper.
You could have cried when you read the first sentence.
Shuri’s eyes held mine as I made myself home in between her legs as she sat on top of her desk.
The gaze we shared was smothering. She wanted me just as much as I wanted her. Slowly, we leaned in and our lips connected in a blissful kiss. It was everything I imagined and more. And the fact that we could get caught made it all the more thrilling. I wouldn’t let anything ruin the moment. She was finally mine.
You didn’t need to read anymore.
“This can’t be happening…”
Professor Shuri smirked as you refused to make eye contact with her.
“I am so sorry, professor. I don’t even know what to say…”
“You have to double check the files that you are sending.”
You nodded, feeling your eyes water.
“Are you crying?” She sounded surprised. When a tear in fact fell, she shook her head and reached on her desk for a soft tissue to give you.
“Thank you,” you sniffled, still unable to look at her. You were grateful that wiping your eyes gave you the excuse of not having to make eyes with her, someone who you normally enjoyed looking at.
“Y/N, it’s not the end of the world.”
It’s not?
“I know you’re a writer,” she continued. “I know you’re a storyteller.”
“But you were never supposed to see that.”
She laughed. It almost relieved you. Almost.
“I am flattered that I could be a source of inspiration,” she said. “Assuming I’m the Shuri you’re talking about.”
You groaned, covering your face. “Take me now. Please.” Then you cussed at the innuendo.“Not like that— I need to go.” You gripped your paper and headed for the door. You paused, still not looking at her. “I will send the correct paper.”
“You do that.”
~~~
Tasha rolled her eyes. Of course her fiancee was in her office. She stayed in there, reading papers, grading papers or having meetings with her students and faculty alike. Tasha loved her wife dearly and liked that she was dedicated to her work, but she had a price to pay for marrying a professor.
As she stepped further into the room, she realized Shuri was not merely reading someone’s assignment. She had a hand down her flannel pants. Tasha knitted her eyebrows together. Shuri didn’t even seem to notice her.
Knocking on the opened door pulled Shuri out of her reverie. She looked like a deer in headlights. She yanked her hand from her pants.
“Tasha, why would you scare me like that?”
“I came to check on you, it’s going on 2AM and you still haven’t come to bed.” Tasha eyed her suspiciously.
“Oh, I am almost done reading. Two minutes tops.”
Tasha continued to give her a side-eye. “What are you reading?” Her gaze traveled to Shuri’s hand.
“Work, baby,” Shuri said, sounding mildly impatient.
“You do know if you’re horny you have a wife who can handle that…”
“Tasha.” Shuri blinked slowly and exhaled. “I’ll be there, okay?”
Tasha couldn’t just drop this, causing her to approach her wife. Shuri panicked and shut her laptop.
“Wow, what’s the secret, Shuri? I thought you said you were reading someone’s paper?”
“I am,” Shuri said through clenched teeth.
“And it���s got you touching yourself?”
“I was in pain.”
“You are such a liar! You know what? When you’re ready to be truthful, you can come to bed.”
As Tasha let her be, all Shuri could do was tell herself she needed to get it together. She needed to get you and your damned fantasy that had now become her fantasy out of her mind.
Part 2
#shuri x y/n#shuri x reader#professor shuri#shuri x you#shuri x fem!reader#shuri x f!reader#shuri x black!reader#shuri imagine#shuri fanfiction#shuri alternate universe#princess shuri
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Twenty Questions for Fic Writers
Thank you so much dear @nocompromise-noregrets 🤗
1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 45
2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?
2,842,840
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Tolkien. The Silmarillion.
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
Fragments of Fate and Fire (This one, I don’t tend to count, as it’s mostly art. It’s much easier to look at an image than devote time to reading).
Dark Prince,
Magnificat of the Damned Book III: Fire.
A Far, Fierce Sky
Magnificat of the Damned Book II: Resurrection.
5. Do you respond to comments?
Of course. 😊 (I am grateful for them).
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Magnificat of the Damned Book IV: Anvil.
And I got some incredible comments on the last chapter that I still cherish. (It was not the end, but it was the end of that series).
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I don’t believe in endings. Stories always continue and mine are mostly part of an ongoing series. But I have written a couple of one-shots and Requital did have a much more positive ending.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Never have, no. Or if I have it must have been mild and I’ve forgotten. But then I moderate my fics on AO3 and people usually can't be arsed to type a raging comment that won’t get published. Also I’m just not read that much. I write a lot of OC’s and people tend to scroll past, I’m sure. (I never had negative comments on LOTRFF.com or Faerie, either, and one couldn’t moderate, but again, I think it was because that kind of person just didn’t bother with them and the atmosphere was more polite on those archives).
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Sometimes. M/M. These days, it’s when it comes up, which is not so often. I find (after a particularly horrible fandom experience) that it’s like salt: you don’t need to pour it over everything. Anyhow, I’m interested in stories which have everything in them, not just sex.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
No.
11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I wrote Dark Prince and Dark Lands with Annwyn (back in 06/07) who I’m still in contact with but is no longer in fandom. She was lovely to write with.
13. What’s your all time favorite ship?
Fëanor/Fingolfin.
14. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
I want to finish A Far, Fierce Sky. I was writing that in tandem with one of the Magnificat stories and as A Light in the East and A Far, Fierce Sky, it’s sequel, were AU’s to my main arc, I had to drop one of them when I became self-employed.
I no longer have the time to write very much so I hope to survive long enough to retire and be able to do much more 🥺
15. What are your writing strengths?
Probably perseverance. I can hack through blocks and I completely ignore fandom fads so I can concentrate on my writing without dashing after the next hot take. If I get an idea I’ll follow it through.
16. What are your writing weaknesses?
Take your pick! 🤪
17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
If used sparingly it can be effective.
18. First fandom you wrote for?
Tolkien. I’m monofandom.
19. Favourite fic you’ve written?
I think of fics in terms of how I felt when I was writing them, and if I was in the ‘zone’ so it is a tie between Dark Prince and Summerland.
Tagging @cycas @ettelene @nuredhel @naryaflame @pinksiamese @crowandmoonwriting @jane-ways @antares0606 @independence1776 @lucifers-cuvette @minquelie @grundyscribbling @thenookienostradamus @swanfloatieknight @geneeste @auntieaugury @blue-istari-stars-of-the-south @feedthefandomfest and really anyone who sees this and would like to do it.
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On the subject of Redux VS Quarts Hearts, and obviously ignoring the third book because of spoilers- is there anything in specific you prefer to your original fic, Dullard? Certain scenes, characterizations, etc? For me I appreciate Sandstorm being alive in this version, I really like this new take on her and I am excited to see how she progresses as a character! I also like Goldenflower and Tigerclaw adopting Fireheart, his relationship with Bluestar and of course Yellowfang and Cinderpaw. :) I could go on but it'd be a wall of text so let's just leave it at saying you and Lynx did a great job!
Also, what were some of the impulsive subplots you mentioned, if you don't mind elaborating? When I was reading the Redux as it came out, I never got the impression anything was suddenly added to the story.
Dude, I don't think there's a single thing in Iterum that I don't prefer over the Redux. The Redux is a photograph of the writer I was at the time I was working on it - impulsive, failing to think ahead, copying writers I liked and having no idea what my own voice was. Embarrassing, to say the least. The only reason I'm keeping up that blog is for posterity (and in case there's a post or two I need to reference or link to here), otherwise the whole thing would be gone.
Lynx, I would say, is the main source of the best parts of this version, so I can only take so much credit here. Tigerclaw and Goldenflower adopting Fireheart was her idea among other things, and god knows how much help she's been with the language, genetic and family tree stuff. If it wasn't for her, this blog would not have happened. We'd be stuck with the original version to look back and and go "eugh" at. With a second voice helping to plot things out and bounce ideas around, this version has far outpaced the Redux, and I am very grateful for it.
As for the impulsive subplots: I don't remember the Redux very well beyond a wall of shame, but Sandstorm's death and the fakeout with Cinderpaw seeming to have been killed were added in on a whim. The one good thing about Sandstorm dying was that I posted it on Christmas and people were losing their god damn minds. That was pretty funny.
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Sixties Era Horror Film- Chainshipping x afab! reader
the people have SPOKEN and the motivation has let me do what I do best, so a little more than two weeks after my original post about it, I present to the audience who cared about the concept: chainshipping x reader with a free use kink! This has been on my mental rotation of smut concepts since I posted about it and so having the will to write it was actually a nice change of pace. I adore poly! chainshipping as a concept and so this was naturally fun to write and I hope that it's fun to read.
if the anon who asked about it a little after christmas is reading, I hope you like it and it is for some reason detriemental to me that you know it was your ask that spurred me on to write this rather than just think about it.
This fic is for audiences of 18+! Minors, do not interact.
Fic type - this is just--it's shameless, kinky smut bc I am a shameless kinky writer
Warnings - kink gets discussed so there are a couple mentions of somno, pegging, breath play, petplay (as per usual, in use of nickname only bc I was looking for gn petnames and I, as always, used puppy before I remembered nicknames outside of my go-to) being tied up, hickeys, fear but in a like,, horny way and of course the big one and the center of the fic: free use! I did go with a gn reader for all intents and purposes but the reader is afab as that anatomy is the kind I know the best.
Some days, you were almost a little grateful for the bastard known as Jigsaw by the general public.
Not for too many aspects of the trap nor it's aftermath--being chained by the foot to a pipe close to what you'd at the time presumed to be a dead body despite it being the very alive body of Jigsaw, for one, was not something you were grateful for.
You weren't grateful for the bullets Lawrence had shot into your chest and stomach, nor the one Adam had shot into your leg. You were not grateful for the fact that Adam had been left for one week where you'd been left for three, nor for the trauma you'd endured and somehow managed to come out the other end of.
But, a year post escape and ten months into a relationship with Adam and Lawrence both, you could at a minimum say you were grateful for the fact that being in the trap had allowed you to meet the loves of your life.
You all lived in an apartment that you split the rent on, and living in an apartment in Jersey in 2002 as a group of three was easy enough.
Adam had been working as a gallery participant, having been approached in mid October by someone who'd heard he was a photographer and wanted to see how decent he was at the whole photography thing. Since then, he'd made a deal that guaranteed him at least half a decade of employment. Two individual collections a year plus collections done by him and three additional photographers that were focused around either a specific season or the holidays that made up that season, and when that was combined the take home money was $2000 a month after taxes, with a one thousand dollar bonus at the beginning of every season to compensate for his part in the seasonal collections.
Lawrence still worked as an oncologist, though he'd at least tried to schedule his hours so that they were more structured and so that he could have time during his day to take a breath for a minute or two, and even post-divorce, he made damn good money.
You, however? You worked as a hotel receptionist post-trap making $3200 a month. You'd worked in charity and marketing before the trap but post-trap you'd searched for consistency, which you couldn't find in a day job that was completely and structurally commission based, so you switched career paths. Maybe one day you'd get promoted until you ran the hotel at which you were working as a receptionist, but at twenty-eight and nine months into working there, you were in no rush to climb up the corporate ladder.
You, Adam, and Lawrence had all used up your PTO to take three weeks off in the new year, and so you were all home pretty much all the time.
It had opened up a lot of conversation opportunities and the night of your first day off, you'd all had a bit to drink and kinks that you'd not already discussed came up.
Lawrence, a little unsurprisingly given a loveless marriage and a sexless bedroom, was pretty vanilla, which you already knew as you'd had sex before that discussion. He liked being dominant, liked giving you and Adam practically endless praise, but in a more shocking turn of events, didn't hate the ideas of breath play or very dark hickeys in very visible spots. He also had a thing for seeing you and Adam wearing his work shirts, apparently, and you and Adam had exchanged a nod while you both noted doing that more often.
Adam, also unsurprisingly, adored pegging and was definitely a switch. He mentioned somewhat enjoying breathplay and liking the way that the baggier sweatpants he'd owned managed to hug Lawrences ass and how you looked in the white and black shirts he wore under his flannels. He also liked being tied up and didn't totally hate the idea of somno, which you bit your lip about while Lawrence nodded, clearly thinking the same thing.
You, in a surprising turn of events, were really big on free use, somno, and fear in the right context. Adam had laughed a little, asked if you'd ever gotten off while in one of those stupid haunted house pop-ups during Halloween, and you'd brushed it off, explaining free use to them instead of thinking about just how much you would've sold your soul for in the name of being fucked by Mickey Alteri in 1997.
"It's--it's like--either of you can pretty much use me whenever you want," you laughed nervously, a little scared of being shamed for the idea. "Like, if I'm doing dishes or just watching tv or something, all you need to do is kiss me and maybe undo one of the buttons on my shirt and I'm all yours. It's not something I've ever really told anyone about because I know that not everyone likes that kind of thing and I don't need to be kinkshamed by someone I've gone on two dates with. I honestly never expected it to come up."
"Use you?" Adam asked, a sultry smirk playing on his lips.
"Whenever?" Lawrence at least had the decency to bite his bottom lip to keep from smirking. "That has been noted."
"Noted," Adam nodded, kissing your neck softly.
After that, the kinks you'd discussed that night rarely came up. Two weeks into the time you all had off and you were starting to think Lawrence and Adam had completely forgotten, not really caring about it much as Adam had gone to grab a couple of groceries and Lawrence was reading while he relaxed in the bed that you shared where you were on the couch, knee deep into some sixties-era horror movie about a group of college seniors who were being picked off one by one.
And then Lawrence came into the living room, hummed when he saw you and tilted your head back to press a kiss against your lips.
"You said whenever, mm?" Lawrence asks as he pulls away, face only milimeters from yours.
You shudder a deep breath in as you hear the sound of keys followed by the door opening.
"I did," you nod.
"Now's a good time, I take it? You're watching a horror movie so it must be."
You laugh, embarrassed, nodding again. Lawrence rounds the couch and pulls you close, presses a kiss to your forehead briefly.
And then Lawrences lips are on your neck and you hear Adam putting the things he'd grabbed into their rightful spots in the kitchen before he joins you, pressing a kiss to the side of your head as you lean it back and press it against the back of the couch.
"Lawrence is using you, yeah puppy?"
You nod, letting Lawrences hands slip under the shirt you'd stolen from Adam.
"Mhm," you hum, hand reaching up to Adams neck. Lawrences lips trail down your neck, moving past the hurdle created by the shirt that he's hiked up to your collarbones. Adam holds it in place and Lawrence kisses your chest softly, drawing out softened moans of pleasure.
"Well, we don't want to interrupt your movie, baby," Adam whispers, lightly nipping at your clothed shoulder. "Gonna watch it for us, yeah?"
You turn your eyes to the screen, letting Adam take your shirt off your torso as Lawrences kisses move down your navel.
Watching the movie becomes difficult as all you can focus on are the feelings of Lawrences and Adams lips, Lawrence kissing, sucking and biting at the skin of your stomach and hips while Adam kisses relentlessly against your neck, hands sliding to your nipples to roll them between deft fingers.
Your moans are quiet, buried in your throat for the fear of being too loud, but as Lawrences lips trail back up your chest, hands finding your hips and Adams lips move back up your neck until he's kissing your jawline and beside your head, they get just a bit louder.
"Lift your hips for Lawrence, baby," Adam whispers. "I think he wants to fuck you. Wants to use you and leave you full of him."
You moan, doing as Adam instructs. Lawrence laughs against the skin of your shoulder, pressing a kiss there as he gets the boxers and sweatpants you'd worn pulled off your legs, exposing your wet cunt to the cold air of the living room.
"You're such a good puppy for Adam and I," he whispers. "Don't come while I'm inside you, all right? I know Adam loves eating you out and I can imagine he'd want to eat you out while you're full of my cum so that, once he's done enjoying what I've left behind, his face ends up drenched in you."
You tilt your head back in search of Adams lips. He laughs into the kiss, pulling away only enough to talk so that he can call you insatiable before you continue.
Lawrence thrusts into you slowly, kneeling on the hard wood and pulling your legs to rest on his hips. He kisses Adam languidly while he waits for you to adjust, one of Adams hands relocating to your nipples while Lawrences hand is on his face.
Eventually, when you start rutting against Lawrence, the kiss he shares with Adam ends and he starts thrusting to you at exactly the pace he knows will have you releasing around him the quickest, though the adage of Adams hands and lips anywhere they can reach on your torso certainly doesn't make doing what Lawrence had asked of you any easier.
Lawrence is pulling out right as you're teetering on the edge, leaving you breathless and full of his cum without having met your own release.
"Gonna let Adam have a taste?" Lawrence asks, kissing your lips gently. You look completely and totally blissed out from all the touching but you feel infinitely eager to have Adams lips against you so you nod, let Lawrence help you get to a kneeling position while Adam slips around the couch, slipping his head in between the space between your pussy and the back of the couch.
His hands find your hips with ease and he pulls you down onto him, moaning into you when he tastes Lawrences cum on your folds.
"Fuck, baby," Adam whispers. "Oh, this is perfect."
His lips attach themselves to your clit as Lawrences hands go to unzip the zipper on Adams jeans. He frees Adams cock and spits on his hand, giving Adam a hand job while Adam eats you out like he's never eaten a day in his life.
You watch Lawrence get Adam off, thrusting against Adams face after a few minutes have passed. The action makes Adam laugh, gently probe your waiting hole with his tongue as Lawrences hand keeps going with the ministrations he's started.
"Fuck," you moan, eyes about ready to roll into the back of your head. Adam swaps his tongue for his fingers, letting his tongue and his lips move back to your clit as you keep thrusting. "Lawrence, Adam--oh, fucking hell."
Lawrence laughs. "I love how you sound when Adams doing what he does best," he says. "I think Adam would argue that he better likes the way you sound when I finger you, though."
Adam hums confirmation and it reverberates against you, making you quicken the pace and drawing another laugh from Adam.
"Gonna come over him, baby?" Lawrence asks teasingly. "Gonna get Adams face drenched in your cum? I think he wants that--I know he'd die happily so long as a dick or a pussy was in his mouth when he went."
You laugh a little, leaning forward and pressing your forehead against Lawrences shoulder.
"So good," you moan. "So fucking amazing."
Adam presses his tongue flat against your clit, and Lawrences lips move to kiss across your chest, tongue and teeth taking care of your nipples as Adams lips and hands make careful but quick work of your pussy and your hips.
"I'm so--I--" is all you can get out as far as words go before you're coming against Adams face, clenching haplessly around his fingers.
Adam releases from Lawrences ministrations at the same time as you release as a result of his, moaning breathlessly as he slips his face out from under you.
He'd come over Lawrences hand and as you sit down on the couch, not bothering to calm your legs or the way that they jitter from the aftershocks, Lawrence presses his fingers against your bottom lip.
You lick Adams cum from Lawrences hand while Adam watches, and Adam kisses Lawrence, the taste of you on his tongue and your wetness pretty much covering his chin, while you watch.
Carefully you all go to the bathroom, showering amidst kisses and random bickering sessions. Adam lends you a pair of his sweatpants and Lawrence lends one of his work shirts, and you end up deciding to go to your bedroom.
"Think we're due in for some pad Thai," Adam whispers, pressing a kiss against your forehead. "It's six o'clock, and dinner can't be a bad idea right now, can it?"
Your arms are around Adams waist while Lawrences are around yours, and Adam has one arm draped across your shoulder and Lawrences.
"Pad Thai doesn't sound terrible," you nod. "But--if I fall asleep before it gets here, I am not to be judged."
"We would never," Adam says teasingly. "And I mean, if you do fall asleep, we're the ones to blame, right? We chose to fuck you, even if you're the one with the free use kink."
"Did we do it right?" Lawrence asks, pressing a kiss against your shoulder. "I mean--based off how you described it, there's no wrong way to do it but both Adam and I were kind of unsure. I'm not a very kinky person and even though Adam is kinkier than I, free use isn't something either of us have really heard of."
"Scott talked about it a bit when he was in college and I was discovering all the glories of weed when I was in my early 20s," Adam admits. "That's the extent, though. I'll call Meis in half an hour, have it delivered. Don't wanna leave this bed, if I'm honest."
You laugh. "Neither do I," you press a kiss against Adams shoulder before turning around to face Lawrence.
"I love you guys," you whisper.
"We love you too," Adam presses his lips against your neck. "Grateful for the fact that the bathroom lead to us meeting, if I'm completely honest."
"I am too, sometimes," Lawrence agrees, pressing his lips against the center of your collarbones.
You laugh a little, enjoying the feeling of their lips as a comfortable, loving silence begins to occupy the room.
#chainshipping#chainshipping x reader#poly! chainshipping x reader#adam stanheight x lawrence gordon#adam stanheight x lawrence gordon x reader
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AO3 Wrapped
Saw @jaxthejester do it and of course from the lovely @lilac-hecox who started it! I wanted to see how people have perceived my writing and while I only have a few in actually pretty proud! Let the wrapped begin!
Top 3 by Hits:
1. Moonlight Magic (Kinktober 2023)
2. He Makes Dirty Words Sound Pretty
3. A Paradise Full of Lies
None of these really surprised me. The kinktober one of course would always be on top and plain shian smut followed by the first shian fic I worked on seems pretty on par! While I'm not exactly proud of every chapter of the kinktober fic I'm proud of it overall as a challenge to my writing so I'm grateful and HMDWSP is still one of my favorites that I've written! And don't worry those who are still waiting I will continue A Paradise Full of Lies don't worry! Overall this is all understandable and I'm proud of the works!
Top 3 by Kudos:
1. Moonlight Magic (Kinktober 2023)
2. He Makes Dirty Words Sound Pretty
3. Show Me How It Ends
Again I knew the first 2 were going to be those but the third kinda snuck up on me! Only 4 more kudos than A Paradise Full of Lies but it's the first antmien smut/antmien fic on ao3 so I'm pretty proud of it overall! Thank y'all for loving it as well.
Top 3 by Comments:
1. A Paradise Full of Lies
2. He Makes Dirty Words Sound Pretty
3. Temptation Touched My Tongue (Spread the Wings of Desire)
2 and 3 are actually tied with 8 comments each (four comment threads total) and I'm so proud. I love having comments on my works and of course A Paradise Full of Lies has the most because I feel like I was updating consistently for a minute there and I swear I will be back and it will hurt.
Top 3 by Bookmarks:
1. He Makes Dirty Words Sound Pretty
2. Moonlight Magic (Kinktober 2023)
3. Show Me How It Ends
The first two I get but Show Me How It Ends? I'm glad people liked that one I was rather proud of it when I wrote it and still am to a degree but now I feel like it's a testament of my writing! It being the first antmien fic makes me very happy also so I feel like I will always love it.
Top 3 by Subscriptions:
1. Moonlight Magic (Kinktober 2023)
2. A Paradise Full of Lies
3. The Schism Between Us
So number 3 is tied between others like HMDWSP and Show Me How It Ends but it is my first and only ianthony fic so I find it interesting! I really enjoyed the fic and I'm glad others did too and of course kinktober once again took the crown!
Top 3 by Word Count:
1. Moonlight Magic (Kinktober 2023)
2. Temptation Touched My Tongue (Spread the Wings of Desire)
3. Show Me How It Ends
Of course Kinktober was number one but damn antmien makes me write for some reason 😅 Show Me How It Ends was my longest oneshot and then TTMTSTWOD turned into my longest one and I swear the one I'm writing is going to get away from me. Antmien just gets me inspired!
Overall, this has been the most progressive time for me writing wise! And I've also just loved this fandom and how much it cares for its writers! I feel like I've gotten the most heartfelt and just lovely comments that warm my heart than I have in all my years of writing fics! I love this fandom and love the ships I write for and I feel like I've improved somewhat and that makes me so proud. Thank you all!
#ao3 wrapped#archive of our own#ao3#archive of our own wrapped#smosh#smosh ships#antmien#shian#shaynian#ianthony#multiship
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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! 🎉🍾🥂
the end of 2022!!! what a year!!!
this year has simultaneously felt like the longest year yet and also the god damn fastest year ever, and just like every year it's had its ups and it's downs.
one of the biggest ups of the year, of course, has been stranger things and the entire fandom it has brought along.
i did not have falling down the stranger things rabbit hole on my 2022 bingo card lmao but i am so beyond grateful that it did happen because it has been SUCH a rewarding experience. i have met SO many wonderful people and made SO many fantastic friends and have done SO many cool things that i wouldn't have been able to do without this fandom! it has also completely reinvigorated my love for writing fic — i've mentioned it before, but prior to this fandom i was in a sort of fic writing rut, i had characters to write for and stories to tell, but the inspiration and that special spark that comes with writing fic just did not stick around for very long with those. but then stranger things (and eddie munson, really, my beloved beloved boy) came along and lit the biggest, brightest fuse beneath me and it has been burning strong and bright with no signs of waning ever since!! and for that i am SO unbelievably grateful.
i am also SO ridiculously grateful and thankful for every single person that has shown me and my writing and the things i create any shred of support — you all have made this fandom so much fun and have been an absolute joy to headcanon with and write for and talk with and befriend. every single kudos, every comment, every reblog, every like, every follow, every interactions with every person i have had — THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU!!!
i have made so many friends in this fandom and i know i'll probably miss some here, but i want to give a special shout out to those who have made this year and this fandom experience especially bright:
@nostalgicbones @withacapitalp @rougenancy @riality-check @toburnup @hexmionegranger @reindeerrobin @thefreakandthehair @cherry-vamps @henrystars @maxinemaxmayfield @steveshairychest @stevesbipanic @stargyles @babyboyargyle @eddiehashands @ruthofrhythm @komiraidon @strawberryspence @pizzaqueen @eddieunbanished @annethecatdetective @bonitabreezy @horsegirleddiemunson @thedeadromantics @punkharringtxn @corrodedcoughin @henderdads @solosnail @gothbat99 @ahhrenata @inflomora-art @greenlikethesea
to every person who isn't a mutual but who shows up in my notes all the time: i see you and i love you and i appreciate you all so much!!!
to every artist, fic writer, gif maker, editor, video maker, and every other kind of creator in between: thank you for filling this fandom with such wonderful art!!!
i hope everyone has a very happy new year's eve, and i hope that 2023 brings nothing but happiness and love and joy and success for everyone!
i cant wait to see what this year has in store for us and where it will take us!! 💕🥰🫂
#happy new year everyone!!!#i love you all!!!#thank you for everything!!!#im so excited for what this year will bring for us all!!!#sending love and best wishes for everyone in the new year!!!!#💕💕💕
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Today is my 1 year anniversary of fic writing! I wanted to do something to celebrate but couldn't think of anything, so here's a little reflective ramble post about writing instead
For well over a decade (tbh closer to 15 years) I struggled with severe writing anxiety and, with the exception of one thing I posted in 2014, my anxiety became so bad that I completely disengaged from writing altogether. Whenever I sat down to write I would be filled with such powerful negative thoughts that I would become paralysed by them. I tried so many things to help combat this including writing workshops + classes, nanowrimo, mentoring, journaling, and reading tonnes of self-help advice, but nothing seemed to work. I grew increasingly despondent, afraid that nothing would "fix" me, which was incredibly depressing because when I was younger I loved writing. I wanted to get back to that space of creativity and joy that writing brought but instead felt like I was being pushed further and further away from it.
Then, in November 2022, I was talking to one of my best friends - @parad0xymoron - about how distressing I was finding S6 of My Hero Academia, to the point where I was struggling to watch it. Socket's suggestion? Write fic! If something is happening that I don't like or is upsetting me, then I can write a different version of events. And thus the first chapter of Just Watch Me - my Kirishima/Bakugou fic - was born.
And once I'd started, I found I couldn't stop.
Suddenly, all of the characters, and scenarios, and plots I was imagining in my head came spilling out onto the page. Between November - April, I not only posted all 4 chapters of Just Watch Me but I also wrote and published 7 other one-shots as well. This isn't to say that writing "suddenly" became easy. Of course it didn't. It was - and is - still stressful for me. There were times when I felt that all too familiar sense of paralysis creeping up on me, but I drew on all the tools I had learned over a decade to deal with it.
I stopped. Took a deep breath. Looked inside to see what was going on: What was I scared or anxious of? Then I addressed the issue myself, or spoke to friends who helped me process. And then I kept going. I didn't let the fear or the anxiety or the obsessive need for perfection to stop me.
In exactly 1 year (27th November 2022 - 27th November 2023) I went from 0 words to:
I repeat: In exactly 1 year I went from 0 words in (almost) 10 years to 87, 852 words across 12 published fics for 5 different fandoms. And that's not even including the thousands of words I have from my wips.
During this time, I didn't just write though. I spent time devouring other people's fics and learning from their writing. I spoke to a whole bunch of wonderful fic writers who gave me tonnes of useful feedback, ideas, reassurance, and validation. I began analysing media I enjoy to begin breaking down the parts of them that I loved so that I could learn from it. I joined a bunch of bang events (which, honestly, has been incredible). And I made friends with some of the most wonderful people + writers who are now very dear to my heart.
Perhaps ironically, I cannot even put into words how life changing writing fic and participating in fandom has been for me. It has given me back what no workshops or classes or professionals has ever been able to give me - my ability to write, and to enjoy writing.
So let me just be a sap for a minute and say a very tearful thank you to any of you who have been part of my journey - whether that's been in leaving kudos or comments on my fics, or talking through ideas with me, or beta-reading my fics, or gifting me your valuable writing advice, or sharing your own writing journeys with me, or being someone who I've made friends with.
I'm literally so grateful to every single experience I've had over the past year, and it makes me very excited to see what the next year brings. I still have far to go and much to learn, but damn am I revelling in the fucking joy of being able to write.
I'm so excited to keep writing, keep creating, and keep sharing with you all <3
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🎁💕🦋📚🔮🎨 for the writer ask game
Bailey! You're always so sweet, seriously makes me smile every time I see one of your messages.
🎁 Have a piece of a WIP you want to share?
So this is actually from my 2023 NaNoWriMo project; our protag Hadley has accidentally summoned a demon and decides to introduce it to her best friend, Beth.
Hadley rubbed the back of her neck anxiously. “No, but it’s…” She wracked her brain for something to say but there was no way to explain it without sounding like a crazy person. “Just, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“Alright then. You can show her.”
“Show me– achk!” The choked off shriek that came from Beth was about what Hadley expected, although she was grateful that the girl hadn’t screamed outright.
She turned back to her roommate and held up both hands in a placating gesture. “Okay, okay, so I can sort of explain but the most important thing is that it’s not going to hurt us.”
“Probably not.” Avorsael said.
“Oh how is that helpful?” she demanded, watching the panic and mixed emotions play out across Beth’s face.
“Who said I was trying to be helpful?”
💕 What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?
Omg this one is basically impossible. I think my favorite would have to be 'Gentle Repose', since that one started out as a very short scene idea and turned out into a really sweet, fully formed fic. But it's hard to pick one favorite, even the cringey ones I posted at 12 y/o have a special place in my heart.
🦋 Which character is your favorite to write?
Really Bailey? I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count. 😂
Of course it's Ahsoka Tano. I've always said that I basically grew up alongside the character, but looking back at my writing, I can see that the version of her in my fics "grew up" too. I'm able to convey a lot more nuance and depth of detail (I think) that was really challenging as a young writer.
📚 Is there a fanfic or fanfic writer you recommend?
Gods, there are so many amazing writers out there and I am continually blown away by the talent and passion, people writing entire novels simply because they love it.
Limiting myself to just five, as hard as that is: @dells-bells , @anxiety-banana , @lynnpaper , @webtrinsic1122 and @jedimasterbailey
🔮 Any advice for writers working through burnout or writer’s block?
Write badly. Be self indulgent, be cliche, dig out your OCs from middle school that were really just thinly veiled self-inserts. Write absolute utter nonsense and then rewrite. Writing is just dragging the ideas out of your head kicking and screaming, rewriting is where the real magic happens to turn them into a story.
🎨 If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?
Well if someone made fanart of any of the fics I've written for my D&D character, Maggie Marigold, I'd probably lose my mind and frame the damn thing.
I would love to see anything from 'The Forging' or specifically the scene of Ahsoka and Barriss sharing a cot in 'That joins the Sky and Earth' because I put as much sapphic energy into that as humanely possible.
.
Ask me anything or reblog the original game so I can ask you questions too!
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HI I AM SO FUCKING OBSESSED BY YOUR FIC STRIKING THE MATCH!!!!! I literally finished Midnight Mass this afternoon and was going insane over the fact John and Hassan literally speak once in the whole show. There isn't that much fics about this ship out there, so your fic was a very good surprise!!!! It gave me brainrot...
haha, omg, thank you!! I'm so, so, so glad that you found that fic entertaining -- listen!! listen!! yes I know they only speak once in the entire damn show, I know it and it haunts me!
(punches the air)
The fic I wrote is pure self-indulgence, but after I watched the show, I just couldn't shake off the parallels between them. They're foil characters. They have so much in common, yet they couldn't be more different if they tried. Yes, of course, the differences are quite obvious -- John is Terminally Catholic and Hassan is the only muslim in town. But they're both men who are defined almost entirely by their devotion to faith and family. They're both fathers of a single child. They're both committed to the mothers of their children in these huge, life-defining ways. They're both desperate to connect with and love their children, but they’re both grappling with the threat of complete estrangement from them -- Sarah because she doesn't know the truth of her parentage, Ali because he's being whisked away into the town fanaticism. They're both working in institutions that are absolutely evil as a whole lmao
And yet they go in completely opposite directions!!
Hassan is all about dignity, all about accepting the past and letting it guide him to a future that honors what he's lost. John, on the other hand, is so stuck in the past that he will literally massacre an entire town for another shot at what time stole from him.
What would've happened if that had been put in conversation?? What could the show have looked like if good ol' mike had put them in direct odds with each other? Yes, Riley is a great foil to John because he's an atheist -- but man oh man, there's so much being done with Hassan as a foil and nothing came out of it onscreen!! religion versus genuine faith! selfishness versus selflessness! a man who is willing to burn the world down for his daughter, a man who is willing to run into a burning building for his son! I am haunted! The potential!!
. . . Oops, you got me monologuing ♡
I'm so grateful you read the fic and liked it -- you don't know much it means to me that you read it but also that you took time out of your busy day to tell me you liked it! what a gift, for a rinky dink lil writer like me!
#personal#midnight mass#also i know that man is out here so please my god i know i dont have to say this but lord i pray he never finds this#sheriff hassan#father paul#striking the match
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New fic writer anon with Sanguinius x Reader part 4 – this was challenging to write. I am awkward irl and so writing a character who always knows the right thing to say? When I don’t? I gave a lot of thought to long anon’s advice on intention/tactics, that helped me figure this out. Also this is running longer than I expected. May have 2-3 more posts. Thank you again for indulging me on this 😊
---
Your heart was racing so loudly you could hear it, and you knew the Angel could. He looked at you, considered for a moment, then offered you a glass of wine. You told him that yes, you would definitely like a drink. You’d like to be able to relax enough to string two bloody sentences together, for Throne’s sake.
He rose from his seat, the golden charms in his wings rattling softly. You stared at them, mesmerized, as he turned his back to you and walked to a table with a decanter and cups of various sizes. Your fingers twitched as you wondered what it would feel like to touch those impossibly perfect wings. Of course, you knew that was absolutely forbidden, precisely because everyone who got close enough to the Angel was seized with this same insane compulsion. It has to annoy the hell out of him, you realized.
Sanguinius set the glass down on the table next to you. You grateful for the wine, which was very strong. You sipped it carefully.
“I can see that bringing you here made you concerned you were in some kind of trouble.” He smiled at you then, and the warmth spreading in your chest was not just from the wine.
You took another drink and said, grinning, and with more bravado than you felt, “I don’t know how it is with Astartes, but in the lower decks, if a high-ranking officer shows up, in person, requesting you meet with the general, it’s rarely anything good.”
You asked the question that had been forming in your mind. “Kano said that I’m not the only person with hidden psychic abilities that’s being recruited. But you won’t be meeting with the others, will you? Why me?”
“Because you,” he said with a kind of wonder, “seem to be entirely incorruptible. You, somehow, inherently repel the darkness, even when it closes in around you.”
You were stunned. “I’m – with respect, Lord, I’m sure that’s not possible,” you said. “I serve in the Army, for Throne’s sake. I’m on good behavior for, um, present company, but I curse, I get in fights sometimes, I kill whatever enemy you and the Emperor point me toward without a thought for whether they deserve it. How could I be inherently… good? What about the choices I make?”
“Your choices always matter,” he said softly, but firmly. “I did not say you were inherently good – whether you act for good or evil is always up to you. But this new enemy that comes from the Warp, it avoids you. It may even fear you.”
You shook your head, trying to clear it, but also disbelieving. “If these things fear anyone, it must be you, my Lord. The two largest… daemons… each the size of a Titan, you killed them. You took the head off one and kicked the other one’s arse straight back to hell, right? Um,” you cleared your throat, “begging your pardon, Lord.”
Sanguinius chuckled softly and gave you a conspiratorial wink. “No need to beg my pardon, I can assure you I’ve heard quite a bit worse. I might have even said worse a few times.”
Your eyes widened, and then you laughed. “Surely, not!” You weren’t even sure if you were being sincere or sarcastic. You felt almost giddy. “You, the Great Angel, cursing like a common sergeant? Impossible!”
More laughter, and this time, he joined. Throne, his laughter was the most incredible sound you had ever heard. Melodious, perfect. The warmth in your chest started to spread to your belly.
Then the Angel said, “You are correct, that bloody horned bastard is currently wailing like a child in front of whatever damned thing it answers to.”
You howled with laughter, tears rolling down your face. By all the stars, it felt good to laugh. After everything. Even without your abilities, it felt like laughter was the light that could banish the darkness.
But of course, when the laughter died down, the Angel came to the real reason you were here. He confessed to you that the rumors you’d heard were true. That since the fleet entered the Warp, he had been assailed with nightmares and visions of the horrors to come. Including of his own death at Horus’s hands. He did not know if these things were real or would come to pass, but in the meantime, he could have no rest. He hadn’t slept at all in the weeks since leaving Signus, and even for a primarch, it was too much.
And so, he said, somewhat embarrassed, that your new quarters would be the high-ranking diplomats’ guest’s suite here in the command section of the ship. You would have luxurious rooms, and servants, and also, would be close enough in proximity to his rooms that his visions would recede enough to let him get some sleep for once.
“Would you agree to this? You can say no – truly you can. I realize this is… unconventional?”
Unconventional, what did that even mean anymore? Here was your Lord Primarch, the Great Angel, asking you – you – to guard his sleep. Simply by living in the same part of the ship. You were now entirely sober. Your heart ached as his mask dropped and you saw the depths of his exhaustion.
“My Lord, I – it is my honor to serve you. If by simply being here, I can help you with this burden, I will gladly do so.”
.
#sanguinius#sanguinius x reader#warhammer 40k#wh40crack.#yes he's asking the reader to sleep with him lmao.#no words. just read and enjoy! good stuff as always!#don't worry about it being long. we're enjoying this!
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This probably isn’t the best blog to tell you on, but I didn’t know which one is best so I apologize. Anyways enough rambling. I’ve been basically following you for about five years without a tumblr and today I finally got one, and before I do anything else, I just wanna thank you.
You were the first person who got me into splatoon, which then introduced me to so many damn friends whom I don’t know where I would be without. And not only that, but you’ve been a huge inspiration to me as a writer in creating universes and world building. You are one of the most talented artists I have ever been blessed to feast my eyes upon.
And of course, BUP. This webcomic has introduced me to even more friends- and all the characters are just- I don’t know where to start. The worldbuilding, the current lore, all the characters designs and personalities. It’s just amazing. You are amazing and utterly talented and such an inspiration to me, and I know you’ve inspired many others. And I feel like now, as you finally start to follow your own path, it’s a good time to tell you just how grateful I am for your existence. I’m just some dorky teenager on the internet, but a part of you shaped my childhood, and I’m so happy for that.
I hope I, and many others, get to see BUP blossom and bloom into something beautiful as it’s destined to be. And I wish you only the best of luck at your new job and as life goes on. And I hope you enjoy every second of it. My god is this getting long, imma cut it so you don’t have to read this sappy crap any longer.
Again, from the bottom of my heart. Tammy. Thank you.
Tammy received a super nice message. It was a critical hit.
Thank you so much for such a kind message. Things were rough but right now I am genuinely looking forward to what life brings and I am glad I can keep drawing and there are people who enjoy that.
Gosh, I don't know what to say... You're real kind... I am a bit speechless but I appreciate your message immensely. THANK YOU too and all the best.
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i have to say, the narrative you're weaving with octave is just… so compelling, and so interesting, i'm not a writer myself really so i don't know if i'm going to phrase any of this properly so sorry about that but.
the way that you've slowly let us into his inner world and shifted the reader's perspective is just. absolutely masterful writing. i've never known a character that has put me on the kind of like, perspective roller-coaster that octave has been putting me on during the course of this fic. he's introduced as this "you love to hate him" kinda guy, you know, but over time we get to see more of him under the surface, and for me it was like… "with horror," almost, i realized suddenly i was sympathizing with him. and it caught me genuinely by surprise because it was built up to so damn well.
it's just absolutely fascinating the conflicting feelings this guy is giving me, i sympathize with him but he is oh so frustrating. he's an ass but sometimes i get it. and on the other hand, i sympathize with the rest of the cast who are frustrated with him as well, like hondo and disco. like a tangled web of empathy that keeps me hooked on this story.
and it begs the question of where does he go from here? that last chapter was… so good and so painful, to see him really genuinely TRY, and it still wasn't enough… i both feel for him and am still so frustrated with him and GAH. and his budding friendship with tiger, i love it so much.
i don't know where i was going with this. you're an amazing writer, you have an absolutely wonderfully written guy here with so much depth and with so much narrative potential to provoke feelings that you're taking full advantage of, everything is being paced excellently… i don't really know what else to say. every chapter is a delight. thanks for sharing your writing with the world.
Literally I've read this about 400 times and I can't even begin to express how much this means to me, but thank you so much
Really like......... i'm so, so grateful to hear that you're enjoying the fic and Octave and just reading all your words again and again..... thank you so so much
<3 <3
#ask!#LITERALLY LIKE WAAAAAAAAAAAAA CRYING TEARS THIS IS SO NICE#THIS IS SO SO SWEET#LITERALLY IM SO THANKFUL AND IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKE THE FIC AND THE CHAPTERS N WRITING!??!?!!?#WAAAAAAAAAAAA#CANT EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH THIS ALL MEANS TO ME AWGHUUGUHUHUHGH#I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE FUTURE CHAPTERS TO COME AS WELL#THANK YOUUUUUUUUU WWAAAAAAAAAHHHH [CRIES FOREVER] <3 <3 <3 <3
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