#no promises because this one is my ultimate torment but i really want to get it done
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if i told u all i’ve just reopened necromancer AU for the first time in a couple years… would you trust me
#no promises because this one is my ultimate torment but i really want to get it done#i think about it constantly but it’s such a massive undertaking i keep talking myself out of it#necromancer AU
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Endouma is a terrible ship, and here is why.
‼️WARNING‼️: Post not only contains semi spoilers for KNY, but it also contains mentions of things like suicide, depression and noncon/sexual assault. If you are uncomfortable with those topics, please refrain from reading.
TLDR: Enmu and Douma are not compatible with each other because that ship is mostly built up on fetished MLM tropes, overly sexualized versions of the characters and the romanticization of SA.
(God, I feel like I have been posting nothing but hot takes on this account as of late. I promise I will go back to posting art, cosplays, and more just chill stuff after this.)
Enmu and Douma are not characters that should not be shipped together, for multiple reasons. Starting off, THEY ARE NOTHING ALIKE!!!! I don’t know where or how it was decided that they were alike, or that Enmu is “Douma 2.0”, but it makes no sense. While both are meant to be irredeemable monsters, Enmu was an irredeemable monster from the get go. From what we know about his backstory, he knew he was scamming people and targeting the weak and vulnerable for it. Douma’s backstory goes a bit more in depth and explains that he was put into the role of “all mighty god” as a child, which lead to the power of it going to his head as he grew up. Douma was still an impressionable child who was failed by the adults around him, and as he grew up he took on some of those same traits as the adults he was surrounded by. The bottom line is this: Douma, while a shitty person, still has some way to sympathize with him, Enmu does not, and thats just on the story side of things.
Enmu and Douma also share nothing in common personality wise. On face value, they may kinda act similar (i.e how they talk (sorta)) but it really just stops there. Enmu ultimately had a goal to kill Tanjiro and gain more blood from Muzan so he could climb the ranks of the demon hierarchy. He wanted to gain more power and to overthrow one of the upper moons for the sake of power. He doesn’t care how many people he has to torment, hurt or kill, as long as he has spot in power, he is happy, hell, he literally has vulnerable and even sick children do his dirty work! Enmu is a sick and twisted individual and he prides himself on that. Douma on the other hand put on the happy and up beat facade to hide that he knows he was failed. Douma is aware he was failed as a human, and so he decided to fail his followers by being the embodiment of false hope. He plays into the false icon lifestyle by pretending to be hopeful and happy around his followers and even the other demons to an extent. He doesn’t care so much about power, rather he cares more about control. Douma keeps up his false religion persona to keep control over his followers. He knows he’s failing them, but he doesn’t want to lose the control he has over them.
Now onto the elephant in the room: the mischaracterization I’ve seen of both of them in the Endouma ship. In both fanart and fanfics I’ve seen and read (well more so forced down my throat since thats all I’ve seen with Enmu in recent times) both Enmu and Douma are mischaracterized to high hell just so we as the reader/viewer will feel pity for them. I’ve seen more of this with Enmu, in that all the stuff that made him unique from the other KNY demons is stripped away so his “savior boyfriend” Douma can comfort him and coddle him. Now, writing an AU is one thing, but if you’re just going to make content of the ship with the characters as they are in the series, then their actual personalities should be honored or at the very least acknowledged.
Going more in depth about the mischaracterizing I’ve been seeing with Enmu, almost all (ALMOST all, not all in general) Endouma content I’ve seen have made him either a depressed and anxious baby that Douma is meant to coddle, or an overly fetishized hyper feminine man thats there simply for sexual reasons. It just goes against their roles in the story of KNY.
Going off of the hyper feminine man mischaracterization of Enmu I’ve seen in regards to the Endouma ship, having him be pretty much a “femboy” not only contradicts him as a character, but it also is pushing toxic heteronormativity on a queer relationship. Making Enmu essentially the “woman”, while putting toxic heteronormativity in a very much MLM ship, it also just boils him down to a sex object and nothing else. Now, I will not say that portraying Enmu as a very sexual and even gross character is wrong, because there were plenty of scenes in KNY of him that had very sexual and perverted undertones, but that is what they were, undertones. There is more to his character than just the sexual undertones he has (as I stated earlier when describing him), and by boiling him down to a “sex doll” for Douma just kind of shows that there wasn’t much of an understanding of his character while making the ship art or a fic. He is much more than a sex object.
Moving onto the mischaracterization I’ve seen of Douma, while not nearly as bad as Enmu, it still feels very off from his character. Making Douma someone who GENUINELY cares for another person is also very contradictory to how he acts in the series. He is someone who cares very little for anyone he comes to meet, whether it be his followers or other demons. Now you may be asking “but, Ink! Douma saw Daki and Gyutaro when they were on the verge of death and decided to save them!” Which is exactly what I am talking about. The only reason he “saved” them was to keep up his facade of a savior and to get himself “brownie points” (for lac of a better term) so his public appearance would look good. Because he cared very little for Daki and Gyutaro, it shows that he only cares about looking like a good person and nothing else. Portraying him as essentially “Enmu’s therapist” that coddles him and such just feels weird. Douma has no emotional connections to anyone, so why would he have an enmotional connection to a demon that is considered lower than him?
Now similar to what I said about Enmu earlier, Douma is also much more than a sex obsessed pervert. Douma being portrayed as basically a male nymphomaniac in the Endouma ship is a very strange way to portray his character. Yes, he may have been fine with letting women seek refuge in his temple, but again, it was to make him seem and look like a good person. We should all know, or at least have the understanding that Douma is literally a woman eater. The women he houses in his temple ultimately have the fate of being nothing more than food. Viewing his reason for taking in women as something sexually driven is a complete misunderstanding of his actions. This misunderstanding of Douma paired with the sexual misunderstanding of Enmu not only creates a toxic relationship, but it also fetishizes and sexualizes MLM pairings. This is something I’ve noticed more in Endouma art, but a lot of it that I have seen feels very fetish-y. I can’t go too in-depth about this aspect, as I am a queer woman, but the way the ship is portrayed in a lot of the art I have seen of it feels as though it is pandering to the appeal of yaoi obsessed straight girls. While yaoi has been a term used for decades to refer to MLM based pairings in media like anime and manga, over the past couple of years, its meaning has become more based around fetishizing MLM pairings rather than just being about MLM pairings.
I now want to bring up something that I’ve seen associated with Endouma (and also the Enmuzan ship, but that is a topic for another time) that really makes me uncomfortable, and that is noncon and the romanization sexual assault. I don’t want to talk too much about this topic, as it is not only triggering for me, but it should also be common sense that fetishizing sexual assault is wrong. Again, this is more so something I have seen in artwork, but it seems almost normalized for Douma to be portrayed forcing himself onto Enmu. Now, I know you are all probably saying “Ink, if you don’t like it/are triggered by it, then don’t interact with it”, but when its all that has been made in regards to newer Enmu content as of late, and how people are hyping it up, its kind of hard to avoid. It makes me truly question just how many people really missed the point of their characters, and only focused on things like Enmu being more androgynous, and Douma being tall and muscular. In a general sense, if a ship is built on, or is popular from fetishized and romanticized sexual assault, it shouldn’t be a ship.
Finally, I just want to mention that these characters have NEVER once interacted in canon. I know that hasn’t stopped people from shipping characters before, but it’s just something I want bring up. (As well as the fact that the Upper Moon’s hate the Lower Moons)
I want to end off this post by saying that all of this is by no means targeted at a specific person, nor am I trying to say that my opinion is correct. I am just stating my own opinions and just stating observations I have made after being in the KNY/Enmu fanbase for nearly 4 years now. People are allowed to ship characters together (within reason) however they like, but just be aware of how it will look on your own part, and what views it may look like you have.
#squidposting#inkposts#ink talks#enmu#demon slayer#Endouma#lotus dreams#Enmu X Douma#kny hot take#I will reiterate from my last paragraph that I am by no means trying to target any specific person#I am just sharing something I have noticed about the Endouma ship#and how it makes me a bit uncomfortable#if you like that ship it is completely fine#like I said I’m just sharing my own opinions and thoughts#as well as my own experience with content of that ship#I also wanted to provide my interpretations of both characters to also just kind of back up my opinions#so it wouldn’t look like I’m making baseless claims and such#again I am not targeting a specific person I am just stating opinions and observations I’ve made
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There's a sentiment in low-quality media crit circles that basically boils down to saying "you would be all over this unlikable character if she was a man instead" or "your love of this pathetic male character betrays a misogynistic double standard because you don't act like this about women." Often I see this used to either defend their consumption of badly written media as praxis-- see: defenses of Rey's character as somehow empowering rather than admitting that the Star Wars sequels were badly written --or (even worse) as attempts to drag mature media subjects (people who got really mad about Barbie vs Oppenheimer) into mire of gender essentialism.
Of course this sort of thinking doesn't produce any art worth paying attention to. The answer is simple: leave behind playground gender politics and arguments over the female Ghostbusters and just watch better movies. Tár is one of those movies.
Lydia Tár is an absolute disaster. Born in a wet cardboard box. She's my little meow meow. She's a composer spiraling into a tormentous nightmare. She's driving a porsche. She's seeing things. She's bothering the neighbors. She's getting violent. She's a genius, she's perfect, she's losing control. I'm obsessed with her on a level this website reserves for Columbo and certain marionette-like actors. Todd Field wrote this for Cate Blanchett and no one else, and the gusto with which she carries the film on her shoulders is downright beautiful.
Though I will not discount the importance of representation (I've enjoyed too many movies about Italians to refute the beauty in finding shared experience through cinema), I'll note that when it comes to making meaningful art, representation should not matter. I'm not a mean lesbian conducting the Berlin Philharmonic, nor do I necessarily want to be considering the events that unfold in the film, but even for as supremely unlikable as Lydia is in this movie, she's a star you wish to follow despite her downfalls of her own making.
There's a moment early on in the film where Lydia teaches a class at Julliard, and is confronted by a student who dislikes Bach on the grounds that he is a white man and presumably misogynistic due to the bevvy of children he had with his wife. This student is a self-described "BIPOC pangendered" individual, and a bit of a strawman for the sort of intellectually dishonest reasoning that's permeated pop culture criticism. Lydia, and the film itself, use this character as a punching bag, reaming him out in front of the class for the admittedly ridiculous positions on artistic analysis that are increasingly being touted by the people who unfortunately matter to this sort of thing.
I will admit, this is a bit of a soapbox, but the movie keeps one foot on the ground, as the scene ends in Lydia stating the premise of her entire character: she wishes not to be judged for her womanhood or sexual orientation, but rather for her actions. For her art. What she has done, Lydia posits, is how she wants history to classify as who she is.
Unfortunately for Lydia, she's an awful person who takes advantage of those around her, cheats on her wife with her own students in relationships that may be consensual but are certainly wrong, and ultimately deserves the blacklisting from the industry that she receives. Not relatable at all, and for sure to turn off the guys who walked out of Promising Young Woman complaining that Carey Mulligan's character hated men.
Yet Tár takes this human trainwreck and crafts a psychological drama the simply doesn't let you look away. Watching Lydia Tár experience the ultimate #WomanMoment as she spirals into insanity makes you understand all the awards this movie won. This is a great film, and like the main character, deserves to be judged for what it does rather than who it stars, though Blanchett's performance as Tár will keep me obsessing over this movie for a long time.
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Trimax Vol 13 Ch 5-9
Part 2 of my thoughts on volume 13! In which I manage to get very emotional about Vash, Livio, Wolfwood, and even Legato.
Ch 5
When Livio is truly in danger, when he’s really scared, that’s when Razlo comes out. He never actually left! Razlo is always going to be a part of Livio. The question is whether Livio will be able to communicate with him, rather than let him have complete control to do whatever he wants.
Currently, it looks like Razlo is 100% in control because I can’t imagine Livio fighting like this. Purposefully putting himself in the way of Elendira’s gun so it jams, but also hurting himself more in the process? That’s a reckless thing to do, even with LR’s regeneration abilities and from what we’ve seen of Livio’s fighting skills, he’s very cautious. He’s not afraid to take a hit, but he certainly wouldn’t throw himself in front of one, even if it would get him the advantage. Sometimes, he fights like he doesn’t have those regeneration abilities.
Oh, I didn’t notice that earlier! Those smaller semi-automatic cross-shaped guns are exclusively Livio’s weapons. Razlo, since he’s the Tri-p of Death, only fought with Punishers. But there’s something symbolic in him fighting with Livio’s guns now. They’re much lighter, easier to move. But for Livio they don’t carry the same burden of guilt that the Punishers do.
Elendira’s true power appears to be some kind of psychic projection/manipulation that takes advantage of a person’s natural instincts/bloodlust. If I’m understanding this correctly.
Oh well, that’s horrifying. I remember when I first read this, I was so distraught because I thought Livio was dead! But then you realize, he’s not! Elendira’s projecting a vision on him.
I also can’t tell if the way Elendira’s body, specifically her hands, are elongating is part of the vision or if she’s actually morphing a little. Either way, that’s so messed up.
You know what that reminds me of? When Wolfwood had that horrifying vision of being torn apart after he brought Vash to the Ark way back in volume 7. Who did he happen to be standing in front of when it happened? Elendira. But he assumes it isn't her, probably because he doesn’t know much about her. He thinks it was probably Chapel because he’s the one who has a vendetta against him, but we never see Chapel doing anything like that again or exhibiting any sort of power like that.
Why would Elendira do it then? As we know, Elendira likes to mess with people. She ultimately doesn’t care about Wolfwood’s betrayal of the Eye, but she thinks it’s fun to torment people. Just look at how she treats Legato all the time. Now, she actively hates him, but still, I feel like she wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to mess with Wolfwood who she also seemed a little antagonistic with, if not in a slightly, let’s say, nicer way than she is with Legato.
Ch 6
Elendira is much more powerful than either Livio or Razlo. Her psychic abilities are keeping him down and she’s constantly beating on him to keep him from regenerating too quickly. Much like Wolfwood was when he fought Razlo. Which is an interesting parallel to draw right now.
Is that…Wolfwood’s last vial? I wonder why it’s making an appearance now. Is it related to Elendira’s comment about how Razlo has never been so thoroughly defeated? Because the vial reminds us that he was, by Wolfwood. Who gave everything up in order to do that and save Livio. Is that what gives him the sudden will to fight against Elendira’s control?
Oh, and that’s when Livio switches back! He regains control because he remembers who he’s fighting for and why he’s doing it.
The switch was involuntary. It was a fall back to old ways, to let Razlo do the hard stuff. And again he apologizes to him for it, for putting him into a tough situation, especially when he promised he’d be able to handle the tough things on his own. But at the same time, I don’t want Livio to think he can’t ever ask for help, even if it’s from his other personality. Because I do think they can help each other, if they figure out how to work together.
No, Livio!!! He’s never felt this kind of pain before because he’s always had Razlo there to protect him and take the brunt of it. But he’s not weak. Everything he’s done up until now shows that. It took a lot of strength to get where he is and I wish he could see that.
But Razlo!!! He’s protecting Livio again, but in a different way. He’s not letting him mope (in very Razlo fashion). He tells him to get up and keep going. He helps him, and this time, they fight together, each one using their strengths to aid the other. They’re starting to work as one.
All I have to say for this part of the fight is YEAHHHH, GO LR!!!!
When they fight together, they’re unstoppable! Razlo’s reflexes with Livio’s skill make for one hell of a fighter.
Ch 7
So far, Livio has apologized to Razlo twice for what he put him through in order to survive, but now…he’s also thanking him! By saying I owe you, he’s acknowledging how much Razlo has helped him and gotten him through some really tough times.
Training montage! Livio is trying to “keep up” with Razlo and his prowess, not realizing that since they exist in the same body together, they can share that knowledge. Up until this fight, he’s treated Razlo like a separate being rather than part of him.
GOOOOO RAZLO. HYPE UP LIVIO!!!
He’s so right. They’re a duo, a team! If Razlo’s the strongest, so is Livio
Hey, uhhh did Elendira rip Livio in half? And cut off his arm? That’s…concerning. And there are entrails everywhere, yikes.
I’m assuming that tank-thing is the nuclear weapon that Elendira has been after? Her back-up plan for the destruction of the world in case Knives fails.
Truly, Livio is the only person who can stand against Elendira because he just keeps on regenerating from injuries that would have killed other people ten times over.
But also, it’s because Livio is fighting for something and he’s not doing it alone. He’s doing it with Razlo, rather than by himself. And, in a way, Wolfwood. Wolfwood’s final gift to Livio was that vial, and Livio will use it to survive this and kill Elendira. An interesting parallel to Wolfwood using the vials to give himself the strength to finish the fight and get what he wanted, but die in the process.
“To me, to Razlo, and to him.” The way these words are arranged on the page pack a punch. You’re not expecting the “to him” and even without saying his name, we know who Livio is talking about. Wolfwood’s presence is so strong even though he’s gone. He really does haunt the narrative.
Ch 8
So question: can Livio regrow limbs like a starfish? Because his arm and leg are smoking in the way it does when he heals. But does it heal as a stump or does it regenerate? I guess that question will be answered when we (hopefully) see him again.
I just realized Livio impaled Elendira on the nail that was stuck through him. That’s just…wow. I need to go back and reread that fight because I can’t remember how or where he got it.
Oh…this is the first time in three volumes anyone has said Wolfwood’s name, and it was Livio. And he called him Nicholas!! We’ve rarely, if ever, seen him referred to by his first name so this makes me feel like I’m chewing on glass.
Livio just wants Nicholas to be proud of him, to see that he’s living up to his sacrifice and doing good. I’m gonna cry.
How does Legato know Elendira is dead? Is this a return of Legato’s brief psychic abilities that were never mentioned again?
I know Vash is burning himself out doing this, but it says a lot that his powers have been manifesting as defense mechanisms recently, and incredibly powerful ones. He’s not a weapon, he’s a shield and a protector.
Can we talk about how Legato’s insane Iron Maiden gun is named Guernica? There’s a lot to unpack there. I’m thinking of Picasso’s painting about the gruesome bombing of Guernica, and honestly? That’s fitting.
Oh, it’s a young Legato? AT JULY? I completely forgot about this flashback.
I see now, it’s not the psychic powers that Legato is using to locate people. It’s his wires. That’s how he finds Knives and probably how he knew Elendira was dead.
Legato was ready to kill Vash in July. He probably would have succeeded if it wasn’t for Conrad and his more pressing concerns about keeping Knives alive. This is another instance of new information making some of Legato’s previous actions make more sense.
His devotion to Knives, but also his early game with Vash, sending assassins after him in revenge for what he did to Knives in July—it’s more than the fact that Vash did it. Legato saw it. He saw the gruesome, bloody remains of Knives’s body and the utter destruction surrounding him. We know how devoted he is and we see how drastically he reacts in the moment. He can’t let Vash get away with so nearly destroying the being he has devoted his life to, no matter what Knives’s wishes might be.
Knives is so terrible. It’s not like this is news, but the audacity. Someone is distraught and crying over you and he tells Legato that he’s being annoying? What an asshole. He spits in the face of all of Legato’s loyalty. Sometimes it really makes you feel bad for Legato even if he’s also terrible in his own ways.
I’m having a hard time parsing these pages, but it looks like Legato dives headfirst into Vash’s defensive forcefield and uses Guernica as a shield. Vash destroys it, but it gives Legato cover so he can get behind him and point a gun at the back of Vash’s head. Okay, let’s go with that. It makes sense.
What did Legato get hit with now? It kinda looks like Vash’s wings?
Ch 9
Legato, honey, you’re so unhinged, it’s unbelievable sometimes. He’s so excited that he’s bleeding out and getting close to death.
Of course, all in the service of Knives. To prove his loyalty because Knives has never readily accepted it before, and that’s really all Legato wants at the end of the day—to see his loyalty rewarded. But since Knives never gave it to him, he just kept escalating and escalating his attempts until we got here. It’s sad that this is what finally brings him joy.
Whether Legato dies or Vash dies, Legato wins. It’s a zero sum game. If Vash dies, Legato proves just how devoted he is to Knives (and then dies because Knives can’t allow humans to live). If Legato dies, he succeeds in breaking Vash’s spirit and his ideals, successfully bringing down Knives’s worst enemy and destroying everything he stands for.
Oh no, it’s Wolfwood’s ghost. He calls us back to one of their earliest arguments over Vash’s no-killing philosophy. One day, Vash will have to make a choice. He’ll be put in a position where to get what he wants, someone will have to die—him or his opponent. What will survive, Vash himself or his philosophy?
It’s telling that in the moments before Wolfwood sealed his fate, he also flashed back to this conversation. Unlike Vash, for most of his life, Wolfwood didn’t have a choice and suddenly, he very clearly had one: save Livio or save himself. He chose Livio, he chose his ideals and sacrificed himself. Someone else mentioned how in dying Wolfwood proved himself wrong: your ideals do survive past your death, they do mean something. Because his death had a ripple effect on the people he loved and it altered the way they acted going forward. His ideals did live on. I don’t know where this is going but I’ve accidentally made myself emotional. Basically, Wolfwood managed to prove himself right and wrong at the same time, and completely alter Vash’s rigid point of view by dying.
Now, Vash is faced with the same choice: kill Legato or save himself so he can defeat Knives. Which road will he choose? What will he decide is more important?
Once again, I do not understand what Legato is doing. He’s got more wires, but who is he attaching them to? Himself? Vash? No idea.
I actually got scared Legato got a shot in, but Vash’s powers protected him again. Looks like Legato wasn’t expecting that either.
Vash is a bridge! He always has been. His whole life, he’s been working to connect humans and Plants, to keep their differences from destroying each other and find a path towards understanding. All in an effort to prove Knives wrong. Humans and Plants could coexist in peace. And he did it with such determination, that he ended up in the memory of every single Plant. That’s wild! It might just be what saves humanity.
Yay, Meryl and Milly get to be part of the effort to communicate with the Plants and help Vash! Vash is so important to them and they’re willing to put themselves in danger to help him, as they’ve proven many times. Because they believe in him and everything he stands for and in that vision of a future where Plants and humans can communicate and coexist in harmony.
“Wow, you two are tough! It’s amazing just how tenacious the people of this planet are!” Vance’s comment about Meryl and Milly is so important. In the story, they’ve represented the regular people of No Man’s Land. They are all the best parts of humanity and they show a hope for a future that isn’t full of blood and gunsmoke.
This entire page makes me wanna cry. It’s just Vash in a nutshell, all his goodness and contradictions and goals wrapped up in one, and it’s so, so beautiful. It just makes you appreciate him all the more and reminds you of how good a person he is (even if Meryl is a little scolding with him).
“I believe in how he chose to live his life.” Meryl’s use of past tense here is…interesting, to say the least.
Oh, Legato is using his wires to keep himself in one piece to survive longer. That makes some of the earlier pages make more sense.
Vash has disappeared behind his glasses again, which never bodes well. I think he’s finally made his choice.
His face when he destroys the coin case says it all honestly. He’s done playing games and he’s done holding back.
I can’t get over how cinematic and evocative these last few pages are. The world literally falling down around them as the Earth fleet ship crashes, the way it separates them for a moment, the way they rush each other and are juxtaposed on the last page. And then, the cliffhanger! With all the debris obscuring Vash and Legato, making us wonder what happened to them. It hits hard and I really badly want to start the next volume already! But then that means it’s the end and that makes me a little sad.
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@garnetgh0st Oh yes, definitely! They're facing the same trauma from polar opposite ends, but I think it's just tragic that they ultimately still feel the same--in the end, they both just want to bring their families back.
For Caleb, family is...everything. He tries so hard to protect the Nein and keep them all together because the family he had before is already gone. Because he can't bear to lose anyone else. And it pains him when someone is fortunate enough to still have a loving family, yet pushes them away."Young man, you do not take your mother's love for granted." He'd give anything to get that back.
And yet, even though Caleb believes so firmly in family and prioritizes his at every chance--he knows not everyone was raises by parents like his. He was there when Beau faced her father, when she was finally given a bit of the justice she deserved after years. More than that, Caleb knows what it's like to be a child that was taken advantage of; someone abused and tormented by his own mentor, betrayed and used, turned into weapon. He's still haunted by all the people he was coerced into torturing and killing under Trent's influence.
And Lucien was much the same. The only difference is, his parents weren't victims--they were complicit in all of it. His father giving him lists of names, targets to lure to a witch in the woods. Forcing his child to pay the price for his devil's bargain, staining his hands with the blood of countless victims.
And all the while, Lucien loathed and regretted every moment of it, always looking for an escape, a way out of this hell. Before he became another empty husk, the witch's next puppet:
"'We did owe her. Mum and Da did, I mean, but I was the one who paid that blood price.' I'm not surprised you remember the way. His stomach lurched. 'I'd…lure folk out to her cottage. Da would hand me a little paper slip, and whoever it said, I'd convince them to come along, get them near her cottage, and she would charm them. You saw what happens after that.'"
"'We were punished for seeing what they couldn't. After a while I couldn't let it go on, couldn't look at myself or live with myself, so I burned down the caravan with all three of them inside, took my sister, and that was that...No more little songs. No more farces.'"
And when Lucien is finally free of the witch who tormented him for so long? He just...doesn't know what to do. He's still shaken by the trauma of all the deaths he'd seen, all the faces that still haunt him. He doesn't believe she could just be dead, that he could ever really be free of this nightmare so easily. For a moment, was he gutted by the realization that she was gone so easily, and yet Lucien had already lost all his family? That she'd taken so much from him he'd never get back, and any taste of revenge left him terribly empty?
I think it's likely Caleb might have felt a bit similar, when he finally escaped Trent for good, and yet was still coping with his trauma in the aftermath. Grappling with everything he'd lost to get here, and trying so hard to believe that perhaps he and his loved ones would finally be free of this monster.
As for Lucien's parents--"After a while I couldn't let it go on, couldn't look at myself or live with myself"--when Lucien finally decides to end it all, his breaking point sounds a lot like Caleb's own breakdown when he realizes his parents are gone. "But it didn't exactly go according to plan, because as soon as I heard my mother and father screaming inside...I was so sure. I was so sure. Until I wasn't, and...I broke a bit..."
I don't think Caleb would be a stranger to Lucien's immense self-loathing and guilt, even though they both lost their families for very different reasons. I feel like Caleb would probably pity him; Lucien never even got the chance to have a happy family, to experience the childhood and memories that Caleb so treasured and lost. All Lucien has is empty promises from higher powers he can scarcely understand, otherworldly beings who are still just using him; the hollow comfort of a dream, a fantasy. And I think it's his desperation to bring them back, even if it means tearing reality apart at the seams, that Caleb would find so painfully familiar:
Lucien going all the way to Cognouza because he thinks it could give him the fantasy of a loving, happy family. Caleb following Lucien to Aeor and stumbling upon the one thing that could bring his parents back--they both find what they've always wanted, are both tempted by it more than anything. And when Lucien has that chance, he seizes it immediately--even as he destroys himself, spiraling beyond all recognition.
He's exactly what Caleb would've become if he never had the Mighty Nein, never had the chance to escape and heal. "Anybody can make lights. Anybody can send a message through a wire. I want to bend reality to my will." They're both so desperate for the same thing, the same impossible dream--willing to do anything to make it a reality. I think they'd understand each other on a level perhaps no one else in the Nein could; they both started the fire, but then they spent years still consumed by those flames.
I think Lucien and Caleb mirror each other in a lot of ways. And it makes me happy that, through Molly, they were able to help each other heal in some way. And I really love how Molly/King gets to have the family now that Lucien always wanted--Caleb telling Kingsley to stick with them, admitting that he Nein have a fondness for "strays." I like to think he and King are still close, and maybe one day, Caleb will be there to help Kingsley reach out to the last of his family in Rexxentrum--
#I MEANT TO ANSWER THIS SOONER IM SORRY--#anyway...ya...caleb and lucien parallels still hurt me#lucien tavelle#mollymauk#caleb widogast#lucien is tragic to me because even though his parents were so awful...he still wants his family back more than anything#because he thinks he can “fix it” the way molly tries to in choir practice#but even if he did bring them back#it wouldnt change how much they've hurt him#yet lucien is still so desperate for their affection--#and i think caleb would really feel for him in spite of how different their circumstances are
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MAG 168 Relisten
Activity on my first listen: cutting the Kolkwitzia amabilis in my garden.
Ah yes, another ambiguous... thing. Roots, routes.
I feel like Martin dancing around at the beginning here, asking Jon if he‘ll gonna be okay on his own is already because he‘s jealous and he wants to bring this situation in a certain direction. It sounds like they have already talked about crossing Oliver‘s domain cause Martin knew it’s his.
MARTIN: "So, are you gonna smite him, then?"
Hehe, Martin showing his petty side xD The topic is serious, but it's still funny to hear that conversation xD
MARTIN: "I know what I said, and I don’t – (sigh) I don’t know, Martin. I just – I don’t think he’s – (sigh) I don’t know; I don’t think he’s evil."
Yeah, that’s also what I thought. He seems neutral? I mean he even tried to save people at first. It was a bit more unfortunate for that boat crew that they were caught up in his little breakdown… Actually how does Oliver feed the End? Is it just those little gestures like looking all sad at Jane or asking the statement giver of MAG 42 what she‘s listening?
MARTIN: (really?) "Oh, yeah, sure; he’s probably a really kind, benevolent ruler of a hellish fear prison."
Martin still couldn't wrap his head around the concept of watcher and watched. He is just as much a watcher as Oliver is. Jon is a watcher, that at least he knows, I think, and he doesn't see him as evil.
Ahhh, this scene is so perfect! It's well written and funny and the acting is on point!
That little laugh when Martin is finally out of earshot xD Like „I can’t believe we actually had that conversation r.ight now”
"I have no power to stop it, and even if I did, I would not do so. For to rob a soul of death is as torturous as its inevitable coming."
There’s a reason the trope of not being able to die/a fate worse than death is called And I Must Scream.
Is this statement a comment on the rise of self-diagnosing because of the Internet? There have been Hypochondriacs have been around pre-internet, so I'm not so sure about this.
"She may see Maria lying in her hospital bed, monitors crowding her as the doctors struggle to get an IV into her wildly convulsing arm. She might have a flash of Bobby, fingers tightening around the rungs of the ladder as the rusted nails give way.
She often sees Dennis’s face as the knife slips eagerly between his ribs, even though he doesn’t die for hours afterwards."
Jon‘s mum (surgery complication), Jon‘s dad (fell of a ladder) and Jon himself. This says that Dennis didn’t die for hours, so there’s still a chance for Jon to be saved when they‘ll arrive somewhere else!
"a) When Danika Gelsthorpe reaches the end of her Corpse Route, she will die. This new world of fear reviles death as a release, but the Coming End cannot exist without its reality.
It is not a being of dangled promises and shifting torments. The certainty of death waits for all who travel the Corpse Routes, and that certainty will be delivered on, without hesitation or consideration of any other factors."
That does very much make sense, otherwise it would lose the one thing the End is about.
"b) This place is a limit on the fear that can be generated from them, as their pool is necessarily finite and ultimately, however slowly, it will be exhausted.
To be offset, this consideration will require the acquisition of victims from other domains as replacements, potentially inciting… bad feeling between those domains."
When they run out of people, they will get them from somewhere else. Wonder what that "bad feeling between those domains" was meant to be telling us. That watchers would start wars against the End?
"c) A metaphysical quirk of this new reality’s divorce from the traditional concept of time, and – one for which I have no further explanation, means that I do not believe new humans are being created or born."
This does make sense in the way of their bodies stopping metabolism. They don't need to eat, they don't need to drink, they don't need to sleep. They are frozen in time. Probably also won't age. And without aging no new life can come into being. (I also headcanon hair stopping to grow, fingernails etc.) But what about domains that feed on the fear of pregnancy or childbirth, bringing up a child? Well, we learn in MAG 178 that the Fears can create artificial people, decoys, NPCs for the sole purpose of making the real ones more afraid. I guess it would be like that.
"d) When this happens, the Great Powers themselves will also fade and die, withering away into nothingness and releasing this reality from their grip."
If they need to feed on fear to survive, they will starve. Absolutely makes sense. That's also very similar to the stop-feeling-fear strategy because of which we heard a bunch of people escape their situation. There's just nothing that keeps them going.
"I… do not know how I feel about this."
I love Oliver Banks. He's my favourite Avatar side-character!
"Perhaps once it might have horrified me, or given me some sense of pursuing the ultimate release of the world that you have damned."
Okay, not cool, Oliver. It was Jonah Magnus who did this.
JON: "The Avatar of Death shall live. (heavy inhale) Martin’s going to be thrilled."
It's so poetic, I can't imagine why Martin dislike this.
@a-mag-a-day
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I hope that you’re really not upset with my question, since I’m a Muslim as well, and I genuinely wanted to know what got you into this state, and I’ve been including you in my prayers for the longest time now, especially since I’ve been following you for years.
You’re a kind soul, a caring one, and you’ve suffered a lot in your lifetime as had millions of other children, some that I know personally who endured this type of sexual trauma from priests. I know the anger you experience regarding the abuse, and unfortunately I know it too well that it’s engraved into my bones.
But hear me out, won’t you? Give it a last chance this one Ramadan, forget the priest—may he burn in hell for his wrongdoings—and forget the extremists you’ve encountered, just for a while. I promise you that you’ll find all the answers you are looking for when you read the Quran of your own volition, your own will, in your own time, instead of it being forced upon you and down your throat and just being taught the words without explanation.
Remember that you are never alone in the struggle, never. The Prophet himself has survived countless hardships, and so many of the Companions—both female and male—have endured the worst torture from their parents and their siblings and their families just for declaring that they are now Muslims—their stories are there for us for a reason, and they’re one of the things that changed my entire worldview. And remember with me, that in Islam, in its core, that we are beings created for Heaven, Jannah, not for eternal existence in Dunya that we cannot survive without suffering, and that this entire world is but a passage and a test, and soon enough it’ll be over once and for all, and your patience and forgiveness and kindness will all be rewarded adequately, and you’d watch those who have wronged you burn in hell for eternity.
He, the priest, might be dead now, but he’s being tormented in his grave for what he did, and he’ll be questioned about it on the day of judgement, so fear not, this world is but a temporary stop that we’ll all soon get out of.
I know that at first glance you might think that I’m just trying to coax you back into religion without knowing what I’m speaking of, just like so many have tried to do before, but I’m someone who almost became a complete atheist until two and a half years ago for the same reasons. And there must be a reason why there’s hundreds of thousands of converts to Islam over the past five months, right? So I’m reaching out to you out of love and respect, and that you’ll always be dear to my heart 🤍
Ramadan Mubarak to u, Rem <33
Ramadan Mubarak to you too, darling. I hope you’re able to fulfil all your fasts and that your prayers are answered.
But respectfully, I’m not going to be approaching Islam again. I’ve met no extremists, and if there is a hell then that guy is absolutely there. I carry no doubts over this.
But it seems you didn’t read my last answer. My decision to leave Islam ultimately has little to do with trauma, and more to do with the fact that I don’t believe in a perfect god. I don’t believe in a divine plan. I don’t believe in the core concept of Allah
I’m not looking for answers, I’m happy with my current spiritual outlook. I do good for this world no matter how small and I see it reflected back at me in a million tiny ways, and I can live with that.
I understand how you feel. You as a Muslim have likely grown up hearing that non-Muslims go to hell, that apostasy is one of the greatest crimes there is. To be a Kafir is to guarantee your place in hell, and you genuinely care for me and don’t want me to face that. It’s terrifying to imagine that people you know to be good could go to hell just because they were too prideful to accept Allah into their lives.
But understand, this fear is a contributing factor to why I’ll never go back. How can I believe that Allah is Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim when he will send good people to hell just for not believing in him? By this logic I could do all the good in the world, I could give sadqah every day for the rest of my life, dedicate myself to housing the homeless, and still I’d go to hell because I did these things in the name of helping people and not in the name of Allah
I’m so happy you’re able to find peace within Islam, and I truly, genuinely hope this Ramadan goes well for you. I have wonderfully fond memories of Ramadan, from the energy to the iftars and of Eid, truly, Ramadan Kareem, my friend, and thank you for keeping me in your prayers. May Allah bless you with all that is good for you, Inshallah
But please respect that I will continue to live my life the way I see fit.
Jazakhallah Khair
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Claire watches Asian Dramas - Korean Fox edition
Goblin -the Lonely and Great God (2017)
Fantasy romance drama, with a great cast! 16 episodes at about 70 minutes each, plus 3 making-of specials. The story focuses on the Goblin, cursed with immortality until he meets a prophesied “Goblin Bride” who can remove the sword from his chest and release him from his torment. The secondary storyline about the Reaper (and his great hat), Sunny, and supporting character of a spoiled chaebol heir who does errands for his immortal employers, weaves together with the main storyline very well. I watched this one on Viki.com
(Confession, it’s been awhile since I’ve watched it, so these are my lasting impressions rather than specific call-outs)
Pros:
Strong cast, everyone has a dramatic moment to shine
The scenes between odd-couple roommates Goblin and Reaper are comedy GOLD
Beautiful set pieces for the Goblin’s house and Reaper’s tea room/afterlife lobby
Love the mythology around the reapers and the afterlife transitions
Fun ghost characters!
Has a happy ending for all the couples if you don’t mind a time jump!
Cons:
I couldn’t get past the age difference of the main leads. I’m not a fan of the grown-man looking character having a relationship with a highschool-age looking character. Not my bag.
The “villain” is a cartoon baddie. And not that interesting, ultimately.
Edited to add: the product placement in this one is extremely silly. Just FYI.
Tale of the Nine Tailed (2020) 구미호뎐
My new favorite Korean drama! Lee Dong Wook was so good in Goblin, I looked up what else he was in and found this fantasy romance drama, where he has the lead role as a 1000+ year old Nine Tailed Fox (gumiho) who serves as a kind of bounty hunter, capturing other immortals who break the rules, while looking for his reincarnated love. 16 episodes, about 70 minutes each, plus a making-of special. (Watched this one on Viki.com as well - I actually bought a subscription so I could watch it, after they hooked me with the first three episodes!)
Pros:
The female lead is awesome and competent! She is my favorite non-powered heroine from any of these shows so far, I think.
Lee Dong Wook. What else do I need to say?
Great Found-Family ensemble cast.
Actually, all the supporting characters are fantastic. There’s a Bear character (immortal spirit, like the foxes) who is in like one episode and I want to write fanfic about him.
They call out tropes and avoid them as much as possible;
Cool action sequences
Love the mythology, and the set design of the Afterlife Immigration Office
Has a happy ending, at the very, very end!
Cons:
We only get to see Lee Yeon’s tails once. ONCE.
That’s all I can think of right now. I might edit this post later if I think of anything else.
Touch Your Heart (2019) 진심이 닿다
No fantasy element to this one, just a standard workplace romance dramedy. Once again, the promise of watching Lee Dong Wook be stupidly handsome and talented drew me into another show. I did not have high expectations, as the summary described it along the lines of “spoiled, ditzy actress takes a job at a law firm to save her career, butting heads with the firm’s ace lawyer, a stern, demanding attorney”. I was expecting a bossy alpha type lawyer who was abusive until he learns to love the girl, and instead we got a charmingly awkward Mr. Darcy type, who is only stern because he cares about justice and doing things the right way. 16 episodes, about 70 minutes each. I liked this one so much more than I thought I would! It’s gonna be on my rewatch rotation, I think, which is easy since it’s on Netflix!
Pros:
The female lead grows over the course of the show! She’s really only annoying for the first two episodes!
The main couple’s relationship is actually really sweet and wholesome, not unhealthy at all!
It’s a very funny show, plenty of slapstick humor from the supporting cast.
Personally, I really enjoy the show-within-the-show storylines, so I enjoyed that we get to see a bit of her life as an actress
Playing with rom-com tropes with a wink and a nod; so good!
No car accidents or comas!
Happy ending!
Cons:
Once again, Cartoon-Bad-Guy syndrome strikes. Stalkers are a real threat, but it’s harder to take them seriously when they’re mustache-twirling caricatures.
I would have liked to see our heroine be more physically assertive and stand up for herself, but she learns to be brave in other ways!
Edited to add: Product placement kind of disrupts the episode flow in a couple places. But not as bad as other shows I’ve seen.
Last thoughts:
Half the show takes place in a different genre, as prosecuting attorney Kim Se-won (male lead‘s best friend) and his prosecutor ex-girlfriend (Yoo Yeo-reum) are in a serious workplace drama across town;
Lawyers probably shouldn’t watch this show unless they have a strong stomach for tv-lawyer speak.
It’s a paint-by-numbers rom-com, but performing at the highest level of the genre, IMHO!
#Claire watches Asian dramas#goblin great and lonely god#Goblin#Tail of the Nine Tailed#touch your heart#Gong Yoo#Kim Go-eun#Lee Dong-wook#Yoo In-na#Kim Bum#Jo Bo-ah
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Farscape rewatch: 3x16-3x19
No, I have no thoughts for the second half of Infinite Possibilities; it makes me too depressed. There is a reason my rewatch pretty much stopped dead around there.
I do have thoughts, all jumbled together, about the following four eps: Revenging Angel, The Choice,Fractures and I Yensch, You Yensch
I am sure a gazillion people before me noted that Talyn John and Moya John are synchronized in their bouts with death: at the time Talyn John dies of radiation is when Moya John is in his coma in RA.
But what I really want to talk about (though I am sure plenty of people have noted it as well) is that Aeryn and the remaining John are also synchronized in their decision whether to go on. RA is bookmarked by IP on one side, but by The Choice on the other.
Crichton's subconscious, in a coma, needs to find a reason to wake up, a reason to live. If you think about it, there doesn't seem to be that much going even not-wrong in his life, let alone right. He is still hunted by Scorpius, the crew is fracturing and turning on each other from stress (it's a subtle but ever present point that without Aeryn and even Rygel, the Moyans are not cohesive functioning unit and the cracks and frustrations begin to show). More importantly, Aeryn has abandoned him to be with other John. He is not actively suicidal (been there, done that) but passively I don't think he cares as much as he usually does. It is an interesting and wholly Farscape irony that the John with everything to live for sacrifices himself, and the John with nothing chooses to live.
Ultimately, being Crichton, he does find the meaning in going on, and being Crichton, his meaning is in loving Aeryn. The revenge, that works as such a motivator for Scorpius, and ergo Harvey, isn't really John's thing at all, something other 'bad guys' seem to consistently misunderstand, Grayza about to be the latest in the long line (Scorpius, to his credit, learns that John is different, even if he cannot understand it and is only following the guideposts mechanically). In a way, it is not because Crichton is so noble or what not. It's a measure of sanity preservation on his part. If he was obsessed with revenge, fixating on righting every wrong done him, he would be haunted and tormented forever: dwelling on all the horrors that happened to him, being faced with sheer impossibility to avenge all of them. Trying to pay back all the misery Crais, Scorpius, Grayza, Scarrans etc gave him is humanly impossible. Not just because no one has that kind of resources and that would also interfere with staying alive, but because that amount of misery is unpaybackable and promises no life beyond it (Consider. Once Scorpius gets to wipe out the Scarrans. What would he do with himself then?)
But anyway, in a breathtaking bit of Farscape irony, Crichton decides that Aeryn and love are his reason for living at the same time as Aeryn decides the only way for her to go on is to lock these feelings away, become the unfeeling soldier machine. The Choice is a wonderful episode, so full of grieving and memories and loss. And part of the reason she decides to give up is yes, not to experience that pain again (I remember LiP eps in S2 and Casanova guy's comment about loving hurting but it being worth it. That maxim is put to its most brutal test here). Of course, she eventually decides that it is worth the pain and the risk (but significantly, they chose to die together in 4.22 rather than try to continue alone). But not now. And also, her other reason for locking it all away? She invested so much in ignoring that there is the other John out there, to block the thought of him, because otherwise the situation is untenable, so I don't think she can face it again, head on, not right away, not with emotions unlocked.
And so we get Fractures and IYYY, so full of pain. I sort of die at Crichton's hopefulness and state of giddy excitement in Fractures, and how everything just dies with her 'Hello John.' And their painful non-conversations, and the fact that she forgets in the heat of the moment he isn't Talyn John and the pause. And the fact that his sense of self is tied with Aeryn to the degree where she is the arbiter whether he is the copy or not. I love you, show but you are brutal as hell.
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Sir ....... did you ....... and Dar'Khan, did you ...... sIR DID YOU AND .... DID YOU??? DID YOU. YOU KNOW. :(
always accepting meta asks !
— @acherys
we will neither confirm nor deny those allegations at this time, the regent lord is taking no more questions today
...
ok let me answer this for real because i have had this thought for years and was always too much of a coward to properly elaborate.
in blood of the highborne, we're introduced to liadrin, gallel and dar'khan having been captured by trolls. lor'themar, also captured, arrives later - and immediately promises he'll find a way to get them all out of there. no one will be left behind. it's all or none. ultimately they escape by uniting forces, and become a group of close friends. liadrin's narration makes it clear though they met in struggle, they went on to share in each other's growth and victories - as well as that, being the only one not advancing professionally, dar'khan started to grow envious and bitter.
my point, though, is that while she notices this, she seems like the only one who does - and not really without reason, I think, because to me lor'themar always read as closer to dar'khan than she was. it makes sense, too - despite their eventual friendship, dar'khan shows disdain for the priests. he is proud, arrogant and constantly placing himself above others from the start, but I suppose that wouldn't be so easy to see to one he may have treated as an equal. and I imagine he did because the farstriders are important, they're quel'thalas' main and nearly only significant military force they have. lor'themar is not only one of them but suggested to be high-ranking. I think dar'khan would've treated lor'themar very differently from the disdain and arrogance he shows to others.
and, well, if he was arrogant and a bitch on occasion, lor'themar can't quite criticize when so is he. they're young when they meet, and certainly more foolish; he'd let a lot slide.
anyway. back to the point: I think between the group itself, there are different dynamics at play. lor and lia are best friends, but he isn't as close to gallel as he is to her. he is most definitely close to dar'khan, though, I just think it's. a different type of close.
I don't think they were ever deeply romantically involved, though I do think the tension existed, maybe even some initial feelings. idk about dar'khan really, idk how much of what he showed all this time would have been real and what would've been fake (and not knowing even after is one of the things that plagues lor'themar the most. some moments are easy, he can remember and think himself foolish for not seeing through him before. but others... others he'll replay over and over in his head, turn around inside out, analyze every pause and each breath and be unable to say whether it was true or false and it'll torment him long after dar'khan is finally gone for good). but I do think lor'themar cared for him deeply, and that there was a romantic interest as well, but he never acted on it, at least not in the sense of truly being in a relationship. they were good friends and he didn't want to threaten to ruin that (lol), and they were also both seemingly very focused on their jobs to bother with serious relationships back then. doesn't mean they never explored each other's bodies carnally but I'm not saying they did either.
the tldr is: I think they were really close, in a way that was particular to them and not about belonging to a friend group. I think the tension existed and lor'themar at one point did have an interest in him as more than friends. I don't think they were ever in an actual relationship in that sense, not in any way either of them would consider it a relationship. and I think their even closer bond is also part of why lor'themar would never in a million years distrust him. they had been close friends for ages. he thought he knew dar'khan, flaws included, and treachery wasn't one of them. he definitely saw more good in him than dar'khan proved to have, be it out of it being what he wanted to see, dar'khan faking it, the homoerotic tension clouding his vision or all previous options.
#» out of character — ⌜number one elf apologist.⌟#» character study — ⌜a ranger at heart.⌟#this was typed on mobile and tumblr app crashed twice so like#sorry if it doesnt make sense ajhsjahsiahsis i swear i tried
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I'm not okay?
Hi, Are you okay?
I never knew how to really use that sentence with full compassion and assurance that it will accomplish why it's said.
There are times when I just want to say: "Yes, I'm okay. It's fine, Everything's okay"
Now, I find it more encouraging to just be completely honest with myself, others and most especially the Lord.
This photo was taken back in 2019. It's now 2023. Back then, My dream is for my family to also experience that Love of God by accepting Jesus Christ as their Personal Lord and Savior. It's such a wonderful time, I'm only dreaming of getting to a level of spiritual maturity where I have made it into a habit to read the Scriptures daily, obey consistently, be fearless in pursuing the directions of the HolySpirit. It was also during this time that I still haven't fully understood the deep deep consequences of continuing in sin and the repercussions it might cause towards me, my family and my loved ones. Being a medical student, I was living in a self-gratifying system that loops into a cycle of self-care, self-righteousness and self-doubt. I look well though, well groomed, fit, happy, smiling, healthy, energetic, but deep within I know my soul is in shambles.
Fast forward to 2023, now a young licensed doctor, already in that level of spiritual maturity that I dreamed of 4 years ago, and by God's excellent Grace, my parents, and siblings, including our employees and some neighbors, have already accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. Multiple small acts of obedience to the Lord's instructions and here we are. I cannot fully express how I felt throughout the 4 years of rollercoaster battles but I can say one thing. The Lord is Faithful. Once He promises anything, He will surely fulfill it. My heart and My Soul acquired this insatiable thirst for Jesus and His Glory to be manifested in my way of life, but because of this very reason, I also am in constant struggle and anguish in my heart. in the deepest shadows of my inner man, I am still in shambles. I believe it shows, during the times I'm not fully immersed in focusing my mind of Jesus and heavenly things, I am in utter filth of my mind. I do things I hate to do, and I don't do things I love to do. It's confusing and I am discouraged by the repetitive cycles of discouragement I go through on a daily basis. I know that God's mercies are new everyday! literally every morning, the Lord speaks to me clearly during my personal time with the Lord, even during worship, but I can't fully understand and explain why I still commit the sins my mind constantly go back to. Condemnation follow, torment from the evil one has become a window that let's in unwanted vermin that tries to wreak havoc in my mind. I have learned how to set aside my internal conflicts especially during ministry and secular work. I know I have repetitively confessed all these things, even more specifically to the smallest details to some accountability partners but It does not actually solve the dilemma. I know and I have learned to admit that majority of the reason for this is because of my own sin. The lust of the flesh, the pride of life, the ultimate deception regarding my identity in Jesus and the resurrection power that I have received through the indwelling of the HolySpirit.
I know I am not perfect, but I also cannot disqualify the faithfulness of the Lord in bringing me closer to Christ-likeness.
I know I'm not okay, all the time...
but that's okay too.
It's because Jesus lives in me, this is the hope that does not disappoint. I belong to Jesus, He has redeemed me and I am forever saved. I have Eternal Life and even when I face troubles and temptations, I fail, but God loves me and is progressively purifying, cleansing, and sanctifying me.
I still cherish that discontentment in my heart because it leads me to still continuously seek God. I know I am not yet like Christ. I desire to be like Him in all aspects. The Holy Spirit gives me the ability and the possibility to progress in my faith, in my diligence and in my maturity in all aspects, Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, Intellectual etc.
What's important is, I'm better today than I was 4 years ago.
This is what progress looks like, not perfection.
and I'm happy about that.
I'm not okay, but I'm better.
To God be all the Glory. <3 In Jesus' mighty Name, =) Amen <3
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Lily Evans Potter: A Controversial Opinion
Disclaimer: Guys this is entirely my opinion and I am pretty much convinced about this myself. I am in no way trying to undermine anyone else's perspective. So take care in the comments.
I have come across many discussions and even casual comments where I have seen people saying that Lily was Snape's redemption. I disagree. Yes, he changed sides for protecting her and because of his adoration for her but I refuse to believe that everything he did was because of her.
Declaring Lily, to be his sole reason for defying Voldemort is highly dissatisfying as it undermines all of Severus's actions to help the right side win.
He may have convinced himself that he was doing this for Lily but I doubt that it is the actual reason. Or else, he would not have given Harry his memories. He would have tried to protect Harry's life and not bothered about the rest of the wizarding world. He wouldn't have let Harry sacrifice himself for defeating Voldemort. Which he did. Which shows that ultimately what drove Snape to fight for the Light was because he believed in it and wanted to save everyone and not only Lily's son. Not for the sole purpose of taking revenge but mostly as vengeance for justice.
But I digress.
What really irks me is that by assuming that Snape did everything for Lily and naming her as his salvation people automatically give her the higher moral ground in their relationship or more likely its lack thereof.
Which I do not agree to at all.
Snape had said her a highly offending word. She had all the rights to be furious at him. She had all the rights to send him on his way and never acknowledge him again (though I personally think that, for one word spoken in humiliated fury, should have been forgiven but.. anyways that's my opinion). If her problem with Snape was because he was getting involved with the bad crowd despite his better sense of judgement and she can be my guest and forsake her friendship with him. While reading that part in the book, I had an idea that maybe Lily Evan's character is moulded in that way. Maybe she has a very high sense of dignity and self respect which she cannot compromise on even for her best friend. Which I personally believe is a bloody fantastic trait. I can relate to that.
But.
But.
But.
If that was the case then she would never have ended up with James Potter of all people. She could not compromise her dignity for her childhood friend but could do it for a man who had time and again shown disgusting behaviour to both her and Snape?
Please.
That man had literally tried to blackmail her into forming a relationship with him, had promised her harm if she refused (threatened to hex her.. things which can be directly paraphrased from the book). She knew him to be a bully. Someone who had time and again tormented her one time best friend. Whatever the reason for her fallout. She had been friends with Snape once. How can a woman with such an apparent degree of self respect end up falling in love and then.. marrying a person like James Potter.
Eh?
What the hell?
Where is the consistency in her character?
Or did she just conveniently mould her traits and beliefs to suit her purpose. Had James only tormented Snape and had treated her with utmost respect, still.... still I could have thought that maybe she is callous enough to override her instincts and her once friendship with and go on with his bully. But considering all the canonical facts of James's initial treatment of her including the latter reasoning, her behaviour comes out to be ridiculous.
And thus, I believe Lily Evans Potter can never place herself on a higher pedestal in regards to her friendship with Severus Snape. She was at the side of the Light and he had initially been at the Dark side, so technically she can hold the position of being right but particularly in their acquaintance... nah! No! Nada! Zilch!
And so it irritates me to the core when I hear people make Snape's entire redemption arc about his love for Lily. Snape loved Lily despite her faults and her betrayal because he was prone to self loathing. Be it may that love makes people blind but had Lily not died, I think there is enough evidence of Snape's character to safely proclaim that he ultimately would have joined the right side.
Sooner or later.
PS: This is not Lily bashing. Just my opinion and the reasoning behind it.
#snape love#severus snape#snape fandom#harry potter fandom#pro severus snape#prosnape#lily evans#lily evans potter#rant#rant post#this is my pov#so plz do not start fighting here#and snaters stay away#i donot wish to ruin my mood with brainless buffoons
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Gabriel Agreste: Interesting Villain, Horrible Character (400 Follower Special)
I'm honestly surprised more people didn't want me to talk about Gabriel, especially with how often I rag on how horrible of a person he is. But, three character analysis posts later, and we're going to talk about why the main villain of Miraculous Ladybug is a real letdown.
Gabriel Needs to give the Whining a Rest
The interesting thing is one of the few things I actually liked in Season 3 was Hawkmoth. His plans actually made sense (for the most part), and by playing the long game, he managed to turn Chloe against Ladybug and deprived her of several key allies. Granted, Season 4 immediately undid the latter, but I was still impressed by his strategy.
Generally, one of the better aspects of Gabriel as a character was just how over the top he was as Hawkmoth. Keith Silverstein is clearly giving it his all with his performance, and he is just so enjoyable to watch as a cartoonish supervillain.
And therein lies the first major problem with Gabriel as a character. While he is fun to watch as a simple supervillain, the show tries to give him more depth and unintentionally makes him worse.
In Season 2, when it was revealed that Gabriel was Hawkmoth, many fans speculated on what he needed the Miraculous for, until the Queen Bee Trilogy showed it was to save his possibly dead wife, Emilie. The idea of that is so the show can give more depth to its main villain, and I think it's an interesting idea in concept. After all, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
The problem is just how radically different Gabriel is normally compared to how he is as Hawkmoth. He always goes on about how he's “doing this for Emilie”, but it's hard to really sympathize with him when you consider he constantly gives evil monologues and evil laughs, really getting into the supervillain role. And let's not forget all of the “I'm going to wear Ladybug's skin as a suit” faces he loves to make.
Clearly this man is the picture of mental stability.
Gabriel's motivation for being Hawkmoth when compared to what he actually does as Hawkmoth is shady enough, but the thing is that the writers clearly want the audience to at least feel a little bad for him. They want to make the audience sympathize with him despite the way he acts with or without the mask. Without Miraculous Ladybug, he is routinely putting innocent lives in danger and never once shows regret for his actions. All he talks about is how “he's doing this for Emilie”, or that “he'll get their Miraculous soon”. There's no real reason to feel bad for him other than “because the script says so”.
Let's compare Gabriel to Malcolm Merlyn from Arrow. His big plan in the first season of the show is to create a machine that will cause an earthquake to destroy a crime-infested portion of Starling City, claiming to be trying to help everyone, but it's clear he is only doing it out of revenge for his wife getting killed by a criminal from that part of the city. In addition, throughout that season and future seasons, he always makes sure his plans lead to him benefiting in some way, showing he isn't just some noble man trying to achieve his goals with a less than noble method.
If we got some moments that showed that what Gabriel was doing was selfish, it would make him a more complex villain. But we don't get anything like that. What do we get instead? Well...
I Could Really Care Less About Emilie Agreste
We have known Gabriel's motivation has been to save his wife for a little over two years at this point, but at the same time, it's hard to believe that motivation because of how underdeveloped Emilie is as a character.
There have been a total of two lines in the entirety of the show that explain what happened to Emilie, and they're both vague as hell. One of them was from “Feast” that implied Emilie used the broken Peacock Miraculous.
Adrien: My mom used to have dizzy spells… just like Nathalie.
And the other that outright tells the audience what's happening to her in a clip show that most people will skip.
Nathalie: As I've watched Emilie falling deeper into an endless sleep, my sadness for her has deepened, too
That is literally all we get for an explanation, and nothing else. We have no idea of what she's like as a person or what her relationship with her family was like other than Gabriel and Adrien saying they miss her. Other than the way the narrative says she's important to Gabriel and Adrien, we don't really have a reason to care about her as a character. There have also been some lines that imply she went along with Gabriel's questionable parenting techniques, like how he was apparently only homeschooled as a kid (Origins) and never had a birthday party growing up (The Bubbler), so how do we even know if she's a good person? In fact, why not set up this question as a mystery to make the audience wonder if Gabriel has another reason to bring Emilie back?
It ultimately turns Emilie into a plot device and not a character that Gabriel and Adrien only bring up to make the audience feel bad for them, and meant to justify Gabriel's actions by saying that he's “doing this for his family”.
But hey, if he's doing this all for his family, surely Gabriel's redeeming traits come from his relationship with Adrien, right? Right?
As a Parent, Gabriel is Far From the Best
I've talked about this briefly before, but parenting in Miraculous Ladybug is written in such a black and white way, even by the standards of this show. Parents are portrayed in one of two ways. They're either amazing people who love and support their children unconditionally, or they're awful people who treat their own children like trash. And much like a lot of things in this show, there are times where the latter is treated like the former.
There are so many times where the narrative insists on making you see Gabriel as a troubled, but wellmeaning person who tries his best to be a good parent to Adrien, but it is far from the truth.
I'm not going to beat around the bush. Gabriel is a terrible parent. Like, he is awful at being a parent in so many ways, even before you find out he's Hawkmoth. In his first appearance, “The Bubbler”, he delegates getting Adrien a birthday present to Nathalie, his assistant. He literally can't be bothered to take time out of his schedule to get his own son a present for his birthday. And as the show goes on, he becomes more controlling and forbids Adrien from going out with his friends in other episodes (Captain Hardrock, Silencer). While this could be used to show Gabriel getting worse, it's never acknowledged in-universe, with Adrien continually defending his father essentially keeping him on house arrest.
“But IOTA!” You might say. “Gabriel has made efforts to bond with his son in some episodes.” While that might be true, most of those come right after his Akumas have almost gotten Adrien killed. He only hugged Adrien and made an attempt to learn more about him after Simon Says invaded their home, he only decided to watch that movie Emilie was in with Adrien after Gorizilla nearly dropped him off a building, and he only hugged Adrien again in public after he was turned into a gold statue by Style Queen.
In fact, let's talk about how Gabriel acts in the Queen Bee Trilogy. He actually decides to quit being Hawkmoth, but it's not because he realizes all the damage he's caused. Instead, he gave up because his “magnum opus”, a stronger than usual Akuma that only got the advantage on Ladybug ironically because of dumb luck, failed. Sure, he says he can't keep putting his son in danger, but he rarely ever acknowledges that he does so in the first place. When Riposte wanted to fight Adrien, Hawkmoth did nothing to stop her other than giving her a stern warning earlier on and nothing else. Where was this attitude earlier?
Hell, even then, he immediately goes back to being Hawkmoth as soon as he sees an opportunity, not even a day after his “mAgNuM oPuS” blew up in his face (because I guess Scarletmoth was just Plan B). If he made such a big deal about caring for his son, why didn't he try harder to spend time with him? Has he ever had doubts about what he's doing before? If Chloe didn't show up as Queen Bee, was he going to follow through on his promise and try to be a better father to Adrien instead of trying to get Ladybug and Cat Noir's Miraculous?
And yeah, the whole irony is that Gabriel is doing this for his family when he is unknowingly fighting his own son, which could lead to some interesting drama if done right. The idea of how Gabriel would react to his son being Cat Noir could really lead to some internal struggles for him to go through. But then we got “Cat Blanc”, which shows just how terrible of a character Gabriel is.
In an alternate timeline where he found out his son was Cat Noir, what does Gabriel do? Does he try to steal Adrien's Miraculous while he's sleeping? Does he reconsider his actions or realize he was endangering Adrien's life?
NOPE! He just decides to akumatize him all while emotionally tormenting him, before causing the end of the world.
This is honestly one of the most appalling things I've ever seen in any TV show, because it's basically an abusive father ordering his son to listen to him all while referencing his (kind of) dead mother to back up his point. And rather than use this to show how despicable Gabriel is, the episode decides to blame Marinette for this happening. Yes, according to the show, her present to Adrien caused several events to happen which caused Cat Blanc, but this logic makes no sense. It's like blaming the JFK assassination on the man who sold a gun to Lee Harvey Oswald, instead of, you know, Lee Harvey Oswald.
Not only was this episode yet another excuse to blame Marinette for something that wasn't her fault, it leads into the biggest problem I have with Gabriel as a character.
Sympathize with Gabriel? Surely, You Jest
After everything I've gone over regarding Gabriel as a character, after all the awful things I've talked about, are you really surprised that I don't feel bad for him at all?
Gabriel is just an awful character and a despicable human being, but the show just keeps wanting me to feel bad for him. It's just so hard to when you consider everything he's done has made him anything but sympathetic. I'm just saying, it's kind of hard to feel bad for someone who tries to start World War III with the only justification being “i'M dOiNg It FoR mY fAmIlY”, especially when he treats his family like crap.
The writers go out of their way to show how horrible Gabriel is as Hawkmoth/Shadowmoth, but they think because they throw in a few moments where he looks conflicted, we'll immediately feel bad for him. What makes so many people interested in seeing Chloe become a better person is that they can tell she's the victim of a troubled upbringing, and know that because she's only a teenager, she still has room to grow as a person, represented by having more honest moments of vulnerability. Gabriel is a grown man who once caused the apocalypse because of how terrible of a parent he is, and has even fewer sympathetic moments than Chloe does. Which one of these two is supposedly irredeemable? The answer may surprise you.
But the frustrating thing is that this kind of villain could have worked. Instead of making him this mustache-twirling psychopath, show how much Gabriel regrets what he has to do, but keeps pushing onward despite all the lives he's risking if it means that he can save his wife. Instead of making Gabriel like Lex Luthor, make him like Mr. Freeze, who is basic a better written version of him.
youtube
But as it stands, there's a good reason why Gabriel gets little to no respect as a character in the Miraculous Ladybug fandom, as a villain, or as a father.
#immaturity of thomas astruc#iota#miraculous ladybug#miraculous ladybug salt#gabriel agreste#hawkmoth#hawk moth#shadowmoth#shadow moth#emilie agreste#adrien agreste#cat noir#chat noir#cat blanc#chat blanc#nathalie sancoeur#mayura#marinette dupain cheng#ladybug
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liar liar pt. 2
request: I have a request, the reader is dating Spencer, and she and JJ are the ones that know that Emily faked her death. I’m thinking of it taking place in “It Takes A Village,” and she has to deal with Spencer being upset with her, like he was with JJ, but it has a fluff ending? Thanks!
for: @flklrevrmre
word count: 2,192 reading time approx: 9 mins
a/n: i hope you enjoy this ending ;) and i’m elated to have so many new friends on my taglist.
masterlist
pt. 1
My ring finger traced the circumference of the wine glass I was drinking out of, while my eyes followed the marble trails of Rossi’s countertop. The team was giggling and chatting amongst themselves as I secluded myself. My thoughts were captured by my insecurities, paralyzing every fun bone I had in my body. Occasionally, I would contribute to their conversations, but only enough that I didn’t make myself seem bereaved.
After a while, it became apparent that I wasn’t participating in the festivities, which conjured Emily and JJ to step away from the group, joining me. “Hey…” JJ eased into small talk, stuffing her hands into her pocket as she approached me. I replied with a light smile, their presence uplifting my current state.
I knew what they wanted to say. I knew what they were going to ask.
Spencer.
“How are you holding up Y/N?” Emily hesitantly brought herself into the conversation. They both gazed at me with doe eyes, tenderness evident in their touch as they resided beside me.
I took my lip in between my teeth, shaking my head as the fatigue had finally caught up to me. My chest throbbed from being sore all week, my shoulders were frail from being uneasy all the time, and my heart burned with self-reproach. With every passing day, I felt my limbs grow limp and my soul go numb. In contradiction, the two halves of my brain battled one another till my doubts were left to torment me further.
With the silent response, JJ and Emily shared glances of disquietude, pondering their next steps. “Y/N?” JJ called out softly, laying a tender hand on top of mine. “You took a burden alone. That doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone,” she murmured, nodding to Emily.
“Y/N, I can’t help but feel like this is my fault,” Emily lamented. “I just...tell me that there’s a way I can help.”
“There’s nothing either of you can do…” I smiled bitterly, glancing at both of them. I squeezed JJ’s hand, feeling a film cast over my eyes. “And Emily, you had to protect Declan,” I empathize, using my other hand to pull her into a side hug. “I would’ve done the same.”
“I can tell,” Emily looked at me with somber reverence. “Especially for what you did for Spence.”
Another pang hit the center of my chest, making my ribcage sting. The mention of his name made my skin crawl instead of making my heart flutter like it used to. I wordlessly winced at Emily’s notice, trying to conceal it the best I can. “And I would do it again,” I declared, meaning every word. “I’d burn the entire world if it meant making sure that he isn’t alone. I...I know what it feels like to be confined in your head--it’s something me and him share. It’s a merciless place.”
“You really do love him, don’t you?”
“More than I can ever fathom.”
I stared at the ceiling, letting my tears travel back inside of my head. I shut my eyes, feeling a deep burn envelop my eyelids from all the crying I’ve done previously. “I spoke to him,” Emily brought up.
My attention instantly shifted to her, prompting her to elaborate. “I spoke to him when we wrapped up that case in New York,” she explained. I unknowingly leaned over, listening intently to her story. “We had a conversation about everything--you. I won’t get into details because that’s between you and Spencer, but I did encourage him to come tonight.”
My nerves did small somersaults, unable to process the new piece of information. “Are you sure?” I falteringly asked.
“I’m sure he’ll come.”
But he didn’t.
A few hours had passed, and there was no evidence of Spencer’s attendance. With another disappointment, the burden of my thoughts pried at my most vulnerable parts.
I had enough.
I rose from my seat, bidding everyone adieu as I excused myself to the backyard. Amid the formalities, I assured everyone of my well-being and that I would return soon. Their persistent objections were loud, loud enough to stifle the opening of the front door as I stepped outside.
I felt the cool air caress my shoulders while crickets chirped a nightly symphony. The moon glowed with elegance, and stars painted the sky in an ethereal light. From a distance, it looked as if the planets were mere neighbors greeting one another.
It was beautiful; it took me out of the confines of my mind.
Chatter can still be heard in the background, but somehow it blended nicely with the lively sounds of night creatures. Although what I didn’t realize was the thump of approaching footsteps behind me.
“Hey,” muttered a hushed voice.
The instant I recognized the presence, my entire body stiffened. The inside lights cast a shadow on the wooden porch I sat on, displaying a lanky silhouette on the ground. I couldn’t bring myself to move, let alone speak. My tongue was pierced against the roof of my mouth, petrified to unpack the situation at hand.
He responded to my silence with a reluctant step towards me. Even in our circumstances, I can still feel his presence lingering on the soft skin of my back, making the little hairs stand. Our proximity was slowly closing in with every soft thud until he was eventually situated next to me.
I unconsciously looked over my shoulder, opposite of him, to avoid his curious stare. I shut my eyes, isolating myself in my mind in the hopes that this was a dream. But the frequent trembles of my stomach told me otherwise.
“Y/N?” he called out delicately. “Y/N...please,” he attempted to brush my hand with his fingers, but by instinct, I retracted them with swiftness. A bolt of electricity shot up my arm from Spencer’s touch, a cruel remeberance of the fervor we used to share. My fingertips shivered at the loss of contact, but the static sensation remained.
“Y/N, I know that you probably don’t want to talk to me--and you have every right to…” he babbled. “...but I just--please just listen to me.”
But I refused, every word that fell from his supple lips made the echo in my head boisterous.
I was a mistake.
I was a mistake.
I was a mistake.
I bit the inside of my cheek, feeling my abdomen clench in misery. The sensation traveled deep into my chest, pulling me in different directions. My throat cinched up, and the coldness wandered all over my body. Every muscle in me cried out in anguish, unable to persevere through the exhaustion that I’ve let consume me.
“Y/N-”
“Please just go…” I whispered, choking on the aching sobs rising in my esophagus.
“I’ll leave...I promise,” he muttered in a pained voice. “But just...please, let me say this.”
Newfound tears threatened to spill over my eyes, the sorrow in his voice creating a void in me. With the little compassion I had left, I turned around facing his direction. Although I didn’t dare to acknowledge his gaze, instead, I settled my attention on the wood below.
“I know that it’s hard to get through to me, and I know I get stuck in my head,” he began, lowering his head. “You and I both know how hopeless it gets being alone there.”
He twiddled his fingers as he spoke, an implication of his distress. An infinitesimal part of me still yearned to comfort the man, to ease his worries away, but I didn’t have to courage to do so.
“When I get into that space, I get...I get frightened by the doubts that my mind conjures up,” he admits. “Everyone looks at me as the genius--the expectation given to me. But, only you and JJ look at me for who I am instead of who I must be for the team.”
His voice started to crack in between his words, his deliverance laced with dejection and bitterness. I rang my fingers over the textured floorboards, distracting myself from the swelling ache in my heart.
“But you Y/N…” he whispered, gazing at me with a rueful adoration. “You alone bring so much light into the obscurity of my mind. You...you make all my pains go away with nothing but a glance of your smile, ” he chuckled pitifully. “Y/N, you-”
“You told me I was mistake…” I croaked, ignoring the sharp twinge in my throat.
I finally met his gaze with a weary expression. His hair was slightly disheveled, and the bags encompassing his eyes were prominent. But it was the torment evident in them that was the most striking. His irises failed to gleam of their usual autumn hazel, and the golden specks scattered across the tender hue were dull.
“I...I know,” he struggled to admit. “But, I was wrong-”
“You...you told me I was your biggest mistake,” I reiterated, my voice coming off shaky and unstable. “Reid, you…” I paused, my pitch elevating as a whimper loomed to escape my lips. “You hurt me...so much, Reid.”
I scoffed, my vision going blurry from impending tears. Spencer hung his head in remorse, combing his hand through his curls as he attempted to keep his composure. An uneasy silence ensued that not even the blissful sounds of wildlife can mask the tautness in the air.
“I...I know,” he muttered quietly. “JJ, she told me the truth after our...after what happened at the station during the case,” he confessed. “You did all that...you took all the blame, just, so I had someone to be there with me.”
I sighed, shutting my eyes at his admission. “I didn’t...I couldn’t bear the thought of you going through it alone,” I affirmed.
“But you…” Spencer paused, shaking his head at himself. “You...did it all alone.”
All of my guards fell at the utterance of his words. My heart throbbed, and my chest ultimately gave out. Suppressed sobs wracked my entire being, slipping past my tired lips with ease. My head felt faint, and my shoulders slumped. Agony coursed throughout my body, feeling it prick every inch of my skin.
Spencer shifted next to me in an instant, engulfing me in his arms. There I wailed and cried every tear that was humanly possible. I set free the entrapped painful sentiments I’ve burrowed under my stubbornness, and I let the numbness drift out of my body. All that was left was the carcass of my grief and an apprehensive heart.
“I’m sorry Y/N...I’m so sorry,” Spencer repeated, cradling me back and forth while he tried to mask his whimpers.
For most of the night, we stayed in each other’s embrace as the moonlight graced our figures. My face was delved into the cleft of his neck, and his chin laid snugly on my head. The rise and fall of my chest was still erratic, but it was in a much healthier state than before. Our combined breathing was the only distinguishable sound floating in the air after we had steadied ourselves.
The party inside was subdued, and the chatter was nonexistent. The lights were still on, but it seemed that the team had moved elsewhere to celebrate their festivities. Before long, the quiet around us ceased as Spencer broke the silence.
“Y/N?” Spencer whispered.
I nudged my face further into his neck, prompting him to continue.
“What I said...the horrible things that I told you, you have to know that they’re not true,” he lamented, taking my balled-up fists into his palms. “Y/N, you’re far from a mistake. The biggest mistake I’ve made to date is making you believe that,” he croaked.
“Spencer...what you did-”
“Wait--just--let me finish,” he nodded, playing with my hands. “Y/N, you bring color into what I see...yo-you bring color into everything that I do,” he professed, stumbling over his words. “You make it easy to wake up every day and do what we need to do because I know I get to wake up next to you.”
His lips began to tremble, and his hands began to shake. Instinctively, I cupped his hands and brought them close to my chest.
“I…I love you...so much, Y/N,” he whimpered. “And I hate myself for making you feel like you were comparable to anyone else, or that you were insignificant.”
I pressed small kisses to his knuckles, knowing that it would calm him down. I felt a pang hit my torso in Spencer’s discomfort, igniting the part of me that longed to console him. I observed the collapse of his stature and the decomposed state of his demeanor, his appearance visibly in plight.
“Truth be told, Y/N. You are the most significant thing in my life…” he whispered. “You make me whole.”
As he finished his declaration, tears welled up in both our eyes for the last time. “Spence…” I breathed, basking in the warmth that his eyes radiated, despite his desperation.
“Loving you...is one of the greatest thing I will ever do.”
-
taglist: @rexorangecouny @howdycharlie @honeymilk-4 @linthebinbag @andreasworlsboring101 @ssareidbby @kyleetheeditor @tclaerh @jimilogy @lulwaxim @jhillio @m3ssytrash @haylaansmi @meowiemari @ashwarren32 @spencerwaltergubler
‘liar liar’ taglist: @lieswithoutfairytales @foreveryoungxx3 @goldentournesol @l0ve-0f-my-life @kenny-0909 @andiebeaword @hercleverboy
tags that don’t work: @crazymar15 @nighttimerain123
#spencer reid#Spencerreid#spencer reid Criminal Minds#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid imagines#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid fanfiction#Spencer Reid fic#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x oc#spencer reid smut#spencer reid one shot#spencer reid oneshots#spencer reid owns me#Matthew Gray Gubler#matthew gray gubler imagine#matthew gray gubler imagines#matthew gray gubler x reader#matthew gray gubler x y/n#mgg#mgg fanfiction#mgg fic#mgg fluff#mgg smut#Criminal Minds#criminal minds fanfic#criminal minds fic
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Rec list for Eddie and Symby being vaguely to very gay?
I'm sorry for coming to you with my monsterfucker agenda 😔👊 (no I'm not)
i mean, i probably could’ve seen this coming.
venom is dominated by two opposing narratives. let’s call this the “relationship narrative” and the “control narrative”. they’re not perfectly separated, like, you’ll definitely get elements of one in the other, but generally one of them describes what the story, at its core, is using the symbiote for.
now comics are an endless tug-of-war at the best of times, much less the gayest and slimiest of times. there’s a neverending backlash and backbacklash going on between these two takes. what you want is the relationship narrative.
everything very much started out with that take. eddie and the symbiote are two characters who forge an evil alliance because it lets them do what they wanna do (kill spider-man, more or less) and they have the same kinds of neuroses and complexes and syndromes. lots of early comics are also very fun about the merged consciousness, merged identity deal. that’s kind of the textbook relationship stuff.
personally i absolutely think the original stories (venom was created by david michelinie) have romantic undertones, even starting in the villainy days. eddie describes their first meeting as “a shadow moved, caressed me.” he takes the rejection of the symbiote still being “in love with” spider-man really hard. he sobs his eyes out when he thinks it’s dead and promises to avenge it bare-handed. they totally expect to live happily ever after on a deserted island together.
then there’s venom: lethal protector, which is cute on its own, but if you’re reading for slime romance, i very specifically recommend the novelisation. i won’t even spoil it. and then, planet of the symbiotes is the first comic that i would say has outright queer themes, intentional or not.
so all those recs until now are collected in this post.
we're trucking along through the 90s, we explore elements of one take and then the other and sometimes we ignore the symbiote completely, but not too much changes, overall. the next BIG stop in Gay Venom is, of course, the hunger.
miniseries by len kaminski, just venom: the hunger. plenty of people have written their essays on it, but what’s always important to me is that it DID NOT come out of nowhere. as said above, it expanded on themes that were there, it references michelinie venom very explicitly, like you get your SECOND “tenderly touching the green glass tube” scene.
but yes this one is specifically about, like, stigmatisation, otherness, mental illness, meeting all those things with care and empathy and optimism, tentacle sex. again, many essays. a venom comic that can go “look at the twisted deviance of this relationship” and then turn it around into “but how are you looking at it” is good. god how good would it be if they also did that to eddie more. anyway.
a few years later you get the first MAJOR fucking backlash, culminating in the SECOND story titled the hunger. spectacular spider-man: the hunger, from 2003. completely reboots venom and retcons their motivations and backstories, makes very spiteful references to planet of the symbiotes and the hunger, like it is not also called that by sheer coincidence. literally starts out, in a comic that wants to tackle and redefine venom, with the line “the PROBLEM is that you guys are like an old married couple”. so the new status quo is that the symbiote only ever used eddie to be with spider-man, and eddie only ever used the symbiote to not die of cancer.
the “control narrative” that really kicks in here uses the symbiote as, you know, a thing to control, eddie’s demons personified or even a completely foreign force to torment him. if eddie is evil, it’s not because of what he thinks and believes and wants, it’s because he couldn’t control the symbiote and gave in to its inexplicable bloodlust.
this is an unambiguous downgrade in terms of complexity, in my humble opinion, completely fucks up eddie’s responsibility themes, and is also a pretty clearly petty reaction to venom’s absolute oversaturation in the nineties. the bitch was everywhere and most of it wasn’t good. so there was LOTS of “look at this creepy loser” content by writers cringing themselves into self-awareness at the time. the 00s were going to be GRITTY and MATURE.
this of course means that we get to see eddie slit his wrists and bleed to death on panel after selling the symbiote to supervillains as an attempted act of redemption???
wild fucking times! it’s not exactly worth recommending as ~shippy~, but the first real backbacklash to this first round of retcons comes from dan slott, who just kind of ignores it all in new ways to die. drags eddie back to the land of the living and relevant, makes the symbiote refuse to let its new host kill him, telling that host, and reestablishing, that it loves eddie. and then, to keep him living and relevant, slott makes eddie anti-venom.
don’t even worry about it. anti-venom is essentially eddie seeking redemption with symbiote powers, but without the symbiote, except he pretty much acts no fucking different at all, just keeps on being a murderous vigilante with cracked ideas about innocence and guilt. people still act like he’s better now because, in its metatextual ways, the hunger was right.
then fucking uuuuuuhhhhhhh. agent venom. symbiote goes to flash thompson and the us military, and the writer, rick remender, goes really, really, really hard on the control narrative. the symbiote becomes a substance flash is addicted to, gives a voice to his past abuse, it’s dark times all the times.
people very much do like that narrative for flash, like at least from that perspective it was worth it. i don’t like it much for the symbiote. for the symbiote, representing everything fucked up with flash and forcing him to murder kill bite all the time is resolved via the good guy avengers literally lobotomising it so flash can wear it without further resistance or input. imagine doing that to a human person. you’re uncooperative so we’re gonna turn off your higher cognitive functions and wear you like a meat suit. happy ending for everybody! truly we’ve conquered our demons this day.
then! at the same time, there’s a cartoon coming out, it’s called ultimate spider-man. THAT one does the control narrative take with harry osborn, but then does the relationship take with flash, making it the only cartoon to outright redeem the symbiote and let it find friendship and be valued as a person.
and people loved it! so brian michael bendis gets it in his head that he’s going to redeem the symbiote and make it partner up with flash. and he does redeem it by the highly fucking questionable means of having it be “cleansed”, aka brainwashed and relieved of its memories and personality. not that it matters for long. nothing fucking matters in comics. take this with you if it’s the only thing.
so then for fun friendship times you get venom: space knight, flash and the symbiote’s adventures in space! and then that gets cancelled. eddie is off somewhere being toxin and hunting carnage (2016). many good comics but you did not ask for them.
and THEN.
it is time for the next MOTHER of backlashes.
flash gets literally discarded at fucking roadside to put the symbiote back on eddie and turn back time on their relationship to RIGHT before the FIRST backlash happened. you know, all those 2003 retcons. gone. ignored. no more. venom’s themes are now those circa 1996 again. full fucking on relationship narrative. ROMANTIC relationship narrative, and that after the symbiote was turned into eddie’s evil shadow, after he hated it and spent a LONG time seeking to eradicate all symbiotes (and not even for the first time).
the COSTA run. venom (2016). reviled and beloved.
like this comic is fucking ANGRY about symbiote treatment. i HAD to tell you all of that so you’d understand ANYTHING it’s doing. the first thing it does is flip it completely around, puts the symbiote on a military guy who’s making IT do bad things, makes his ability to control it horrifying and abusive instead of heroic and admirable. one of the later things it does (in the follow-up venom: first host) is outright feature a villain who lobotomises symbiotes, ending on a symbiote serving him swift and sweet payback by doing the same thing TO HIM. it’s exactly as unsubtle as the hunger (2003) was about its hang-ups.
comics... are a conversation.
flash remains a symbiote friend but still got fucked over big time by it all, symbiote-focused writers slott and costa also kind of use him to literally, in case anybody hadn’t caught on, literally spell out the REAL story that’s been going on in the writer's room for the past THIRTY YEARS:
you’ll notice i didn’t actually list any of the Gay Shit for you, you’ve probably already seen it or you’ll get to see it for yourself. yes, they are deeply in love, yes, it’s fucked up and flawed, yes, it is real and taken seriously and has ultimately redeeming potential. yes the concept of that nearly knocked me off my feet and in front of the subway at one point. yes there’s mpreg
it’s also fucking riddled with events, which spin off into other comics, so either ignore those and rely on the recaps OR click yourself forward through the “next issue (story)” button on marvel wikia to know what to read.
and after that must of course come the backbackbacklash, as certain as death or taxes. in the next run, we retcon everything once more, eddie just needs to control his darkness, the symbiote was an evil abuser all along, nothing on earth is ever new.
i’m not gonna go through it, i’m just gonna point you to the backbackbackbacklash issue that came out during this time: venom annual volume 2 number 1 - it’s confusingly named, it’s the one that has a blue-skinned space lady on it. this one ignores the backbackbacklash going on very pointedly and goes “it’s not ABOUT control” again, it’s pretty explicitly romantic.
and then there’s also marvel comics presents (2019) #5, which, oddly enough, does not particularly feature the characterisation you’d typically see in the relationship narrative? but it does feature eddie and the symbiote literally fucking, so you’d want to know about it.
that’s the overall, like, frame of eddie and the symbiote being in a relationship (nuh uh) (yeah they are) (NUH UH) (YEAH THEY ARE)
some stuff that’s smaller but still notable, uh.
nova (1999) 6 - 7, that’s the “we’re space married”
venom: dark origin, that’s an ALTERNATE (!!!) take on the character, don’t expect a likeable eddie but it’s very darkly funny and gay so what can i say.
venom: the end, which i would absolutely fucking hate to be canon, i think its characterisation is quite regressive, but the symbiote sure is in love, i guess.
venom: separation anxiety, the dawn of the control narrative but eddie’s characterisation did not have to go so wrong from here, like if they’d just figured out AT THIS STAGE that he's STILL acting like venom without it... i digress. it has the symbiote going eddie eddie eddieee
venom: sinner takes all, this is the first she-venom comic so that’s. hm. interesting. healing symbiote blanket
don’t read venom: license to kill just look at this panel with me
if i think of more comics worth adding i’ll add them.
the subtext slash text is heavy enough to be present to some degree in literally every cartoon adaptation of eddie brock. spider-man: the animated series goes FULL control narrative, in fact it started the “the symbiote corrupted peter” take that we to this day cannot escape, but the first few venom episodes are VERY playful about their relationship.
in spectacular spider-man it’s canon, but horrible. eddie’s in love with it, but eddie's a good boy and the symbiote is played very, very, very abusively. i think this is an evil symbiote adaptation that works well enough, at least it’s an actual meaningful character instead of just a malevolent force to resist.
in marvel’s spider-man, the only venom episode worth watching is venom returns.
i’ve actually got every symbiote-relevant episode listed right here from when we did our communal watch-through.
also watch truth in journalism. idk if it’s exactly shippy just do it
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Angel || Draco Malfoy
Requested: No.
Pairing: post-war Draco Malfoy x fem!reader
Warnings: Lots of angst in the beginning, mentions of self-harm/self-destructive behavior, mentions of blood, quite a few mentions of the devil, ptsd, just a lot of dark themes ig (let me know if i need to add another warning)
Summary: You’ve always been an angel in Draco’s eyes and now, years after the war, he’s reminded why once again.
WORDS: 3440
I’ve been wanting to write about the ‘devil on the shoulder’ trope for a while and I felt like @anchoeritic‘s 3K WRITING CHALLENGE was the perfect opportunity though i think i lost the plot a bit at some point and this probably isn’t what you had in mind.
i had to do so much research for this, probably the most research i’ve ever done for a fic. It’s a lot heavier than I’d intended for it to be (i almost cried at certain points) but I still really love it.
anyway this fic is inspired by ‘Angel’ by FINNEAS (which is a great song that I recommend listening to) and i hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
~~~
Anger.
So much anger that he doesn’t know what to do with it. Red, hot, fury just begging to be unleashed.
He takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes. When he opens them again his fist collides with the wall. “Fuck!”
The miniature Mephistopheles that’s made home on his shoulder tells him to keep going, that this is the only rational response. Draco heeds the advice until his knuckles are bleeding and there’s a dent in the wall.
He lets out a frustrated sigh as he thinks about you returning in a few hours, then he punches the spot one last time out of frustration. Draco’s own love for destruction lies parallel to the myths surrounding Beelzebub, his own virtues bringing him to peril instead of an unseen force of evil. But it’s much easier to believe that the voice always telling him to do wrong, is not his own.
Maybe this is who he is, a fucked up kid with anger issues. Maybe this is all he’ll ever be, knuckles spotted in crimson and harmful thoughts being shoved down as to not raise alarm.
He feels violated by the mark on his arm. Sobs stacking up in his lungs at the very thought, but all he can express is anger- all he can understand is the resent that crawls beneath his skin and settles into his bones like calcium.
Was it his choice? No. Did it matter? No. Choice means nothing in a world run by circumstance. Intention holds no value when there’s no action to follow through. In another world, a better world perhaps, he would’ve had the right to choose and he hopes that he would’ve chosen the right side- the good side.
Forgiveness, they say, is often practiced by the strong willed. He’d tried to forgive, he really had, but Iblis had told him that it didn’t matter who he forgave because they’d still done this to him anyway- they’d still sold his soul to the Devil.
“Draco, when will you forgive me?” She pleads and he shrugs with a thin smile.
“I don’t know mother. I don’t know.”
“It’s been years.” He turns a steal glaze toward her.
“And yet I still can’t get the mark off.”
“What am I meant to do?”
“There’s nothing you can do. It’s too late to do the right thing.”
“What would the right thing have been back then? Huh?”
“The right thing to do would’ve been to protect me.”
“I did protect you. I took the Vow for you!” She yells as she stands out of her chair and points an accusatory finger toward him. He’s seen this scene so many times before that it’s permanently imprinted in his mind, but this time he’s not a scared teenager being scolded by his mother.
“I didn’t ask you to do that.” He stands as well, “I just asked you to save me. Why didn’t you save me?”
“What?” She’s taken aback,
“Summer before fifth. You told me that you’d had enough of him, you told me that we were going to leave and run away so that you could save me from him, from all of them.”
“So now you hate me because I couldn’t leave your bigoted father?”
“No, mother. I hate myself because you couldn’t leave my bigoted father.” He tucks his chair back into the table and pulls out his wand, “Thank you for dinner mother, it was lovely.”
Then he’s gone, and he doesn’t come back.
Draco had shut himself out from the world, hoping that his loathing would dissipate with time but it hadn’t. He still wakes up every morning with that tiny voice reminding him that he’s worthless, and he still believes it.
Why had he done it? Why had he allowed them to put the mark on his arm in the first place? Why had he put his own morals, his own principles, on the line to save a family who might not have done the same for him? Why had he allowed himself to succumb to the many ministrations of Diabolous, which dragged him further and further down the dark side?
Weakness. That’s the only answer he can conceive. Or maybe that’s the sound of Lucifer on his shoulder, consistently reminding him that he’s no match for the evil that resides deep within his soul. He can’t fight it, it’s who he is. He’s weak and he’s unholy. Bathed so often in sin that it’s sunk into his DNA. Does that even make sense?
Draco shakes his head and runs his hands down his face in an attempt to ground himself. But it doesn’t work, all he can see is red and all he can hear is his own conscience belittling him for continuously making the wrong choices. Why does he always make the wrong choices?
His throat so dry it feels as though he’s swallowed sand. His palms sweaty like he’s dipped them in oil. He paces around the room in a desperate effort to remember where you’d placed the box last time this happened. He can feel himself disconnecting from the world, feel himself sinking further and further into the dredges of his mind that torment him most.
That part of his brain that holds the memories, the shame, the anguish, is his biggest obstacle in recovery. It’s always on good days, days when… He blinks when he realizes that no fond memories come to mind. Does he even have good days? Or does this always happen, is this what’s become normal for him?
He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and steps back in shock, completely forgetting about his mission to find the box. The man in front of him looks clean, taken care of. When had he become this man and stopped being the terrified teenager that never ate and wore bags beneath his eyelids like name tags.
There is muscle on his arms, taut beneath the dress shirt that he must’ve put on that morning before going to classes… or work? When had he earned the right to stop looking the way he felt? Which of his actions had merited his beauty returning, when the dark mark still lays clear beneath the dress shirt that he’s got on? There are hickeys along his chest- one, two, three, littered around his torso like a map to his heart- and he can only assume that they’d been left in the wake of your last meeting, because he can’t seem to piece together the memory of them being made.
You. Where are you? Why can’t he remember where you are or what you look like? Did you finally leave? Did you finally realise that he wasn’t worth any of the pain and anguish that he’d put you through? Had you ultimately decided that Draco and the dark mark could not be separated, both physically and mentally? Maybe he never managed to redeem himself in your eyes, and it hurt so much to lose you that he made himself forget.
Redemption, he’d searched far and wide for it. He’d spent the months after the war trying to find some spiritual cleanse for the ailment in his essence, had dabbled in every muggle religion he came across in hopes of finding something that would provide him freedom from guilt. The Bible, the Qur’an, the Gita, the Torah, the Guru Granth Sahib, the Tripitaka- none of the holy books he’d read had promised him enough solace to feel deserving of love from a higher entity. They had all just reminded him of the purity and innocence that muggles embodied, the same qualities he came so close to erasing.
Redemption wasn’t in the cards for him. If it had been a game of Poker, Draco would’ve been the first fold with the knowledge that he didn’t stand a chance against the better players at the table. Who were the better players? He didn’t really know, he just knew that he wasn’t one of them.
His eyes drift toward his reflection once more and he feels disgust crawl through his anatomy. Nausea, a familiar friend in times like these, making itself comfortable in the barrel of his gut. Why had he even eaten today anyway? Sustenance won’t fill the emptiness that’s making domicile in his chest, it won’t make him less of a habitat to repulsive regret and desolation.
He walks toward the dresser and picks up a pocket knife that’s sitting in-between some make up and a music box. Then like deja vu he can already feel the weapon pinching, digging beneath his skin as if it’s trying to excavate bone. He recalls blood pouring out, drowning his pale skin in spills of vermillion and carmine, and dropping to the floor. The floor, chalky tile with tiny chards of black glass engrained in it, something that he hadn’t come up with himself but liked anyway. Who had come up with that again?
Screams, familiar but unrecognizable, had filled his ears soon after. He remembers his arm being wrapped in a bandage, him being carried off the bathroom floor and taken to the Hogwarts infirmary, no, it was actually St Mungo’s. He remembers being treated and loud cries settling down into comforting whispers beside him. He remembers feather light touches being placed on his face and kisses settling onto the skin of his palm.
He remembers something good, but he doesn’t know what.
He remembers the injury, and knows that it didn’t work.
Draco takes a deep breath and puts the knife back down. Staring at his reflection once more he sees that the man standing before him is not the same child that had stepped into battle way back when. When was that? Months? Years? He can’t tell.
The box. The box will tell him. But he doesn’t know where it is, he doesn’t even know where he is anymore. This room is definitely not his Hogwarts dorm room, it’s not in Hogwarts at all, and it’s not his room in the Manor either. Where is he?
His eyes shoot up when he hears a door shutting, and soon after voices follow suit. The voices are coming toward him, in this strange room that he’s in, and Draco struggles to identify them. His dorm mates potentially? No, this clearly isn’t Hogwarts. Friends? His mother? You?
Then there’s a laugh, from a child, from two children, and suddenly none of it makes sense any more. He knows those voices, he knows those laughs, so well that they might as well be his own, but he can’t seem to attach faces or names to them.
A few of the voices drift off, further down the hall, and one gets louder as the door to the bedroom opens. Draco holds his breath as the person walks in, not knowing what to expect, and feels a confused sense of relief wash over him when he sees you standing there.
You laugh as you enter the room, “If you can get an outstanding in Transfiguration then we’ll get you whatever your heart desires.” You respond to your daughter as you recall how both you and Draco had struggled with the subject during your Hogwarts years.
You furrow your eyebrows at the state of your bedroom- documents scattered across the bed, clothes in tiny piles all over the floor, and a tiny dent in the wall beside the bathroom door. A sigh escapes your lips as you process the mess and prepare yourself for what’s about to come. You turn and your eyes land on your husband, and your heart breaks at the sight of him. He’d promised this morning that he’d be fine, it was the only reason that you’d left him alone, but clearly he wasn’t.
“Love? Are you okay?” You ask softly as you take the shoes off of your feet and close your bedroom door behind you. He tilts his head to the side momentarily in confusion, but then realisation flashes across his eyes and he takes quick strides toward you.
“Oof.” You breathe out when he pulls you into his chest and rests his forehead on your shoulder.
“Y/N.” He muffles into your shoulder and you feel your heart swell with love for him- this man who recognizes you instantly, even when the entire world is nothing more than a distant memory.
“Miss me?” You ask with a small laugh as you bring your hands up to wrap around him tightly. He mumbles an agreement and you smile, “I missed you too.”
“Bad day.” He whispers and you nod, rubbing his back in an effort to soothe him.
“I know baby, wanna talk about it?”
“No. Can’t remember.”
“Okay, that’s fine.” You pull him away from you and kiss his forehead with a warm smile, “We can just lie down for a while.”
He obliges as you pull him toward the bed and shuffle the papers off of it, climbing on after you and setting his head in your chest. You run your fingers through his hair and hum, trying to your best to make him feel calm and prevent another breakdown.
But your efforts are futile, within the hours that Draco had been alone he’d thought every terrible thought that he possibly could, Al-Shaitan had already tormented your husband through a series of painful misconceptions. Draco had never really subscribed to religion or faith but after the war he’d identified quite quickly with the concept of the Devil- confessing that he believed he had an evil conspirator sitting on his shoulder- and felt that his own soul deserved to be damned. You’d tried to rid him of that notion, many times, but it never worked, he was in too deep.
You tense up when you feel a cry escape his lips and his fingers tighten into the space of your torso. “I’m sorry.”
He feels terrible, terrible for ruining all of your hard work. All the effort you’d put into rebuilding him now disintegrating in the blink of an eye. But you’re here now, you’re going to fix him again, he knows it.
You try to level your breathing so that you don’t cry too, so that you don’t fall into this pit of despair with him, because Merlin knows that any pain Draco feels takes as rough a toll on you. You pull him off of you and sit up, bringing him to sit as well, so that you can look him in the eyes.
“Sorry for what Bub?”
“For being broken. I-“ He feels another sob rock through him and you pull him into your chest. “Please fix me Y/N.” He pleads, a whimper following suit.
His fingers are digging into you again, he’s clinging so tightly to you like you’ll disappear if he doesn’t stay close enough, and it hurts you to know that even after all these years he’s scared that you’ll leave.
“You’re not broken Draco, there’s nothing to fix.”
“But I’m- I’m-“ Cries start to escape rapidly and interrupt him. He can’t see clearly anymore as tears form in his waterline and obstruct his view of you. It hurts, everything just hurts.
“You’re not broken, my love.” You whisper as you cup his face, “You’re not evil, you’re not bad. You’re good. You’re my husband, I love you. Did you open the box?”
He shakes his head, “Couldn’t find it.”
“Okay, let me get i-“ You’re cut off by your bedroom door opening and your children marching in.
“Dad, you’ll never guess what happened at school today- Oh, is this a bad time?” Ariel, your daughter, stops in her tracks as she raises her eyebrows at you.
You shake your head and gesture for them to come in. “I think it just got a little much for him this year. Please get me the box, love.”
Ariel goes to the headboard and pulls out the aforementioned box from the first drawer, before her and Cael, your son, get comfortable on the bed beside you and Draco. But Draco doesn’t need it anymore, he can already sense himself coming back down to earth. He knows where he is- with you, in your house, with your children, in your bed. He’s home, he’s safe.
He takes the box anyway and begins to unload its contents in silence, the three of you observing him with admiration. It’s a small circular box that your children made a few years back after witnessing one of his episodes for the first time, containing momentos from the last 18 years of you and Draco’s lives together. Pictures, notes, a few school projects.
“Tell him about what happened at school today, it’ll probably make him laugh.” Cael encourages his older sister Ariel, and she does as told.
Draco pays a significant amount of attention to the story, piecing together facts that he’s slowly starting to understand and recognize as a part of his normal life. He intertwines his fingers with Cael’s as Ariel continues telling the story from her spot on your lap.
Love.
So much love that he doesn’t know what to do with it. Bursts of it just choking him out.
Draco remembers everything now. He remembers this house of yours, the one he’d bought straight out of Hogwarts and begged you to live in with him because “It’s nothing without you in it”. These children that you’d had 14 years ago, that’d he’d been so scared to raise because he thought they’d resent him, and that made everything in the world just seem brighter. This life that he modeled with you on the embers of his haunting past, this life that reminds him he’s good.
Before you, he would’ve been terrified to show any one his vulnerable side, especially his children, but you’d taught him that loving someone means loving all the good bits and the bad bits, all the happy moments and the sad moments. Now he knows that when days like this happen, when he gets so lost inside the mental maze of his own construction, the three of you will always be waiting to help him out.
Ariel finishes her story and Draco bellows out a laugh, feeling thankful to have you three around in his moments of weakness.
His three guardian angels- the only people who can always lead him away from the shadow in his mind and toward the luminescence that he carries within him. “All the good within us is split in the middle, half from you and half from mum, just as it should be. I hope you remember that we wouldn’t be who we are without you both.” Cael suddenly speaks up and you smile pridefully at him.
“They wouldn’t.” You add once he’s done and smile, “I couldn’t have done such a bad job without you.”
“Hey!” Ariel accuses and you all laugh.
“She’s right though, I am the one who taught you hexes at age 7.” Draco grins bashfully and you roll your eyes.
“And look at us now, acing Charms!”
“See love,” Draco turns to you, “There is a method to my madness.”
“Mhmm.” You hum with a small smile. “Go do your homework, dinner soon.”
“Yes, I’m making pizza tonight.” Draco adds as he kisses both of your children on their foreheads.
They excitedly hop off the bed and run out of the room. “I can’t belie-“
“Harry called.” Draco interrupts you and your eyes go wide at his statement but you nod for him to continue, “He wanted to know how I was doing, you know with it having been 18 years since the war and all. Offered to come spend the day with me and make sure I’d be alright while you were gone.”
“And you said no?” You raise your eyebrows and he shakes his head.
“No, I told him that I’d come by his office instead. Then when I was getting ready… I just started having flashbacks again, and my mark hurt. I felt horrible all of a sudden, like there was huge weight on my chest and this fog obscuring my vision.”
There are few things that Draco has faith in, but you, you he never runs short on trust for. You’re a constant in his life, a shoulder that he can always rely on when he needs it, and as he sits here and tells you about his day, he feels love for you hit him tenfold.
You, this beautiful, kind, ethereal being that has no place on earth. You, the one who’s managed to convince him that saints are real. You, who has given him your entire life, along with all the love that you have to offer. You, Y/N, the love of his life.
You.
An angel.
~~~
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