#never ever doubt your value and your worth as a person
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a lot can happen in a year.
from the beginning of the year to the end of the year, i've been on six or seven new medications (give or take). i went from being unemployed for over a year and a half to having a part time job that pays the same as my last. i went from hardly ever leaving the house to seeing movies and going out with friends. i started doing therapy again. and i rejoined tumblr, something i wasn't sure I'd ever do again. i've never been overly fond of social media to begin with, and i wasn't sure if I was even making the right decision to start using it again. i had been in fandom communities off and on for years, with experiences far more negative than they ever were positive, and i couldn't be sure that this would be any different.
i am so very glad to say i was wrong.
i've talked about elvis on a handful of occasions now, but allow me, if you will, the chance to be sentimental about its significance one last time. prior to june of this year i had no real concept of what baz lurhmann had planned when he released elvis 2022 into the world. yet another musical biopic, this time carried on the shoulders of a relative unknown? i have always had love for baz lurhmann's artistry, but this seemed like a long shot, even for him.
still, it had my attention.
i had given up on any attempts to connect with my family after years of false promises, spending most of my summer feeling isolated from most of the people in my life for one reason or another. i decided I'd treat myself to something after the way the year had gone thus far. knowing my dad liked elvis, i convinced him to go see the movie with me on its opening weekend, thinking we both might get something out of it.
it was, without a doubt, one of the best experiences i've ever had sitting in a theater.
i went on to see elvis seven more times in theaters, each time wondering whether or not the magic would wear off and it would lose its opulent, cinematic luster. in reality, it only ever burned brighter and brighter, giving me a love and appreciation of elvis presley that i wouldn't otherwise have beyond the simple enjoyment of music i had listened to off and on for as long as i can remember. it introduced me to a talent whose performance was so captivating it made me overlook tom hanks in every scene he was in. and, perhaps more than anything, it introduced me to people who were not only like-minded in their experience with this film, but were unwavering in their kindness and their friendship.
elvis is not the entity of my tumblr experience (this being my 4th time interacting on the platform). there are many other people and types of content i have interacted with since starting this blog and, if you have made it this far, i simply want to thank everyone for the memories they have given me at a time when I needed it most.
to the people who colour my dash with their passion for the things they love most. my dash would not be the same without you.
@68special @aconflagrationofmyown @avengen @bcofl0ve @countesspetofi @fantuhsise @feverkitten @flwrs4aust @himbocampus @mamaspresley @obetrolncocktails @skinnyscottishbloke @slowsweetlove @stargiirl27 @steph-speaks @superbatson @thatonemoviefan
to the people whose creations inspired me to rediscover the joy of what it is to make art
@floralcyanide @melis-writes @nathandrqke @she-is-juniper
and finally to my friends, the people who have pulled me out of a shell i didn’t realize i was in. your kindness means more to me than you know.
@ab4eva @areacodefan @bisexualwvtson @burninlovebutler @cryingabtab @cutienerd13 @dreaming-of-hope @elvisfatass @gggoldfinch @itey @karamelcoveredolicity @lavenderelvis @lindszeppelin @lllsaslll @loving-elvis @luluthesandgoose @mxrspng @mymamalife @nora-nexus-34 @powerofelvis @samfangirls @star-shard @troubleinapinksuit and my darling artemis, who is not on tumblr, but holds a special place in my heart regardless
i never expected to have followers, or an impromptu movie club, or even a blog to begin with. i certainly didn’t expect to end the year on a positive note. i am not someone who makes a habit of being particularly optimistic, but i dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, this next year will be better. to all of you reading this, wherever you are, may you find kindness and warmth and many blessings in 2023. may you eat well and heal and continue to grow. may you find comfort in the things you love, and may your new year be rich with the love and support of the ones you hold dear in your life, be it family, friends, or pets. whatever your year may have been, i hope it ends on a better note than it began on, and i look forward to not only sharing new films, but making new memories with all of you.
in the immortal words of elvis presley, "til we meet again, may god bless you. adios."
all my love to you,
🦁❤️
#ily all ya nelly#lion.txt#follow forever#also if i forgot anyone i am literally going to lose sleep tonight please be gENTLE WITH MEEEEEEE#basically if you're reading this? hi. hello. i love you. i hope you're drinking enough water today#never ever doubt your value and your worth as a person#you are a beautiful wonderful human being and i hope you find the love and peace you deserve in 2023#see you all next year 🦁❤️
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LANGAGE D’AMOUR: HOW THEY LOVE!
LANGAGE D’AMOUR: love languages, how they show their innermost emotions that make your heart melt and your cheeks burn. it’s how they show their appreciation for you, in their own special way.
CHARACTERS. fontaine cast (lyney, lynette, freminet, wriothesley, clorinde, neuvillette, navia, charlotte & furina.)
CONTENT WARNINGS. tooth-rotting fluff, slight angst in navia’s + slight spoilers if you haven’t done the archon quests, established relationships, not proofread.
EXTRAS. last time i’ve ever even attempted writing was in july, it’s DECEMBER. please bear with me & my rusty weaving of (mostly) fluffy tales! 🫶🏼✨
I. ❝ MAY YOU BE REWARDED WITH TANGIBLE ITEMS, MY DEAREST ! ❞
GIFT GIVING: people with a gift-giving love language prefer to be shown love through the act of giving and receiving gifts. (furina, freminet.)
FURINA brightens up at the slightest glimmer of joy in your eyes when she expresses how the item inside the box in her hands resembles you. Regardless of value, Furina expresses her utmost adoration by giving you a myriad of tangible presents. Her presence at your doorstep painted a spot of joy on your cheek, much more so when she presented you with a beautifully wrapped offering — her look of anticipation for your reaction inciting a giggle to escape your lips. Reward her with words of appreciation or even a kiss, would you? The prominence of a reddened hue on her cheeks and how she would act as if such an action didn’t have much of an effect, betrayed by the pounding feeling in her chest . . . is well worth it.
FREMINET whose diving expeditions never came out empty-handed. Whenever the urge rises to the surface, he finds himself delicately weaving matching bracelets or necklaces using romaritime flowers and beryl conches for the two of you. He wears the most flustered expression you’ve ever seen when he presents them to you, a token of his appreciation. When you wear his handmade jewelry with a twinkle in your eyes, he feels his heart warm indefinitely. Neither of you can explain the twitch of the corners of your lips, when a sudden collaborative effort ends with his mechanical penguin friend, Pers, having an addition to its design, a lumitoile necklace.
II. ❝ MY APPRECIATION COMES IN DOING, ASSISTING, AND SERVICE ! ❞
ACTS OF SERVICE: people with an acts of service language love language show love by doing something for their partner that they know they would like. (wriothesley, lyney, clorinde.)
CLORINDE, who does not express her inner worries whenever you walk across the streets of the nation of Hydro — and nonchalantly offers to accompany you to ensure your safety. You notice how the corners of her lips twitch into a small smile when you accept, her expression mirrored on your face. She’ll listen attentively to your woes, joys, or rambles while keeping a hand on the hilt of her sword in case of an emergency. If danger does arise, you will be sure that the Champion Duelist will resolve the issue while keeping your person a safe distance from the root cause. Any doubts will immediately diminish, and her question of ‘are you alright?’ gives you butterflies, but I guess that makes two.
LYNEY, who presents you with a magic trick at the sight of your tears, tips his hat and winks as he performs the way he would for the bawling children. A sense of wonder would overcome your senses and distract you from the cause of your woes, as he gently takes a rose from behind your ear — a flick of his finger and suddenly your hair becomes a holding place for an abundance of rose petals. The moment a smile is etching on your features, Lyney knows he has done something right. Your flushed cheeks give him the motivation to continue until you’re left with a racing heart from something that wasn’t a monster in the form of anxiety. He’ll spoil you with his tricks, wonderous and extravagant at heart, and finally press his lips against your dampened cheek at the end of his performance.
WRIOTHESLEY who constantly pats the cushion of the chair for you before you sit, ensuring its comfort. He prepares a cup of your preferred morning drink every day, much to your delight. His actions have their way of making you smile, something he will forever be grateful for. Wriothesley, who puts a hand on the small of your back or around your waist as you two walk around the Fortress of Meropide — such a question as ‘why?’ crosses your mind once or twice, but the moment you ask . . . his response is vague. It’s his intention to leave you in the loop of questions while your blood rushes to your cheeks. You feel him tightening his hold on you only slightly, noticing the small grin appearing as you point it out — earning a small snort from him.
III. ❝ MY TIME IS YOURS TO CHERISH, TO CREATE MEMORIES FROM, LOVE. ❞
QUALITY TIME: people who have quality time as their love language, time itself holds a great significance to them and their relationship, as the clock ticks — there is not a moment they’d like to waste with you. (neuvillette, charlotte, lynette and navia.)
NAVIA, who cherishes the times she’s made macarons with you, inviting you to gatherings that the Spina Di Rosula held, even the times when you’ve had to watch her break down in tears of reminiscence of her losses. She appreciates you, for accompanying her to her father’s grave, and for agreeing to have a picnic near the area where memories of sorrow lay bare. Navia keeps you close, unable to fathom the idea of another person being taken from her. As proud of a lover as she was, she feels herself fearing and doubting more often than not. All of your smiles, laughter, joys, and tears are things she will forever find herself admiring. You only live once, and she plans to spend every waking moment by your side.
CHARLOTTE, who captures what she considers to be the best moments of your relationship on camera. Time is a precious thing, unable to be wasted and regretted — as she takes you by the hand, she wonders if the feeling of her heart pounding in her chest will remain within the next five or ten years. She’ll fondly look over the pictures she’d taken, a few of them capturing your.. rather expressive emotions. A picture of your pout, frown, and smile — yet she can’t possibly choose a favorite out of all of them. Whenever her camera flashes in your eye, the expression she wears is almost.. soft. The moments that she’s the most quiet, even she feels the need to become a romantic, intertwining your fingers in hers.
NEUVILLETTE, who finds himself learning about human emotions as time goes on — observation, mental note-taking, until he finds one he couldn’t decipher or describe in words: love. The feeling of euphoria only existed in your presence, such intensity took him a while to come to terms with — all because of your smile. His role in Fontaine is complex, and he finds himself wishing that time would stop for both of you. Every free minute he has, he will always choose to spend with you, oh lovely you. The melusines aren’t the only ones who take note of his longing gaze, causing you to visit the Palais Mermonia frequently. His smile reflects yours, as his wish for another minute by your side had been granted.
LYNETTE, who often invites you over for tea parties, whether it be with the company of her siblings — or simply a moment for the two of you to enjoy. She’ll prepare you the best brew she has, along with a few desserts she knows are to your liking. She makes sure the atmosphere is comfortable, waiting intently for you to start the conversation. Regardless of the topic of the words that escape your lips, she is there to attentively listen to every word without fail. Your secrets are safe with her, guarded by her undying love for you. She isn’t the best at comforting, nor is she the kind to sugarcoat her opinion, but her small tea parties are almost equivalent to relaxation sessions. They allow her to pamper you in her own ways, just as you deserve.
© ywalara 2023. all rights reserved. do not repost, modify, steal, plagiarize, or translate any of my work without my consent.
#lynette x reader#lyney x reader#neuvillette x reader#clorinde x reader#navia x reader#freminet x reader#genshin x reader#furina x reader#wriothesley x reader#charlotte x reader#astronetwrk#genshin x you#genshin impact x reader
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Being Miguel’s daughter and hosting Venom
[Platonic One-Shot]
c/w: major spoilers, angst, gender neutral terms and pronouns (they/them), suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, no gendered terms used to describe reader, canon ignorance and inaccuracies, if you read the drabble you’ll know you originally just hosted Venom but this time I’m writing you as Spider-Venom
—
[Unedited]
The sun kissed the Western horizon as it slowly sunk beneath the surface. The gorgeous colors of the settling dusk bathing your New York in the luminous sheen of the golden glow that settles upon the city like a blanket.
You were just finishing up for the day, swinging from a tall skyscraper to tether a web to the very top of a clock tower. Pulling yourself up all the way to the top to perch on one of the very many gargoyle statues jutting out of the tower’s roof lip.
“Hungry.”
“That’s what the sandwiches are for bud.”
Venom settled inside when you tore the wrapping off the sandwich and took a big bite out of the end. Plenty of meat packed into the sandwich but also enough vegetables to sustain you too. Nutrients were vital in your symbiotic relationship with the alien and regardless of where they came from you both needed hundreds of them to keep yourselves alive and healthy.
“I hate the vegetables.”
“Well I like them. They taste better than people do.”
“You’ve never had another person before! You don’t let me eat people!”
“I’m not a cannibal.”
“Hmph.”
You rolled your eyes at the symbiote’s childish behavior, you’ve grown used to it but that didn’t mean you’d grown to like their attitude.
But you had grown to like them, ever since they had attached themself to you on your fourteenth birthday. The same day you very nearly took your own life.
Your life was far from perfect, as a matter of fact you can’t remember a time in your twenty long years of being alive that you’d actually been happy. Really, well and truly happy.
Your mother died when you were five and your father had abandoned you not too long after. About a year and half to be precise, and in his care and his care alone you’d learned that he was the furthest thing from what a proper father should be.
The first five years in which he parented you alongside your beloved mother he seemed guarded. Closed off, angry at the world and everyone surrounding him. And his own personal turmoil seemed to transcend into raising you— as he didn’t put an ounce of love or affection into bringing you up.
At the time, you hadn’t understood. What did you do wrong? Did you make him angry? Why wouldn’t he love you unconditionally? Your mother did.. was it so hard for him to treat you as his own? As if he loved you?
Apparently it was too hard for him, because he didn’t want to do it alone. And when your mother had died of cancer he had attempted to raise you in her honor but failed miserably and gave up within two years.
You were seven when you experienced your first heartbreak, in the years prior under his ‘care’ you had plenty share of devastation and let-downs from him. But none compared to this, no other feeling you had ever experienced before compared to this.
A searing ache in your chest born of self doubt, lack of self worth and value. Because you had believed it was entirely your fault that he was incapable of loving you fully and to the extent of his heart. And it festered in your years spent under different families, the issues regarding how you viewed yourself only darkening as you were let down over and over again.
Given up on— over and over again. And the ache continued to linger, growing in secret places— dark and hateful in your tired heart.
And slowly but surely it had given up on you too, shatter to pieces and cast to the wind to leave you broken and hurt. Vulnerable and fragile to the cold and bitter winds of this cruel and brutal life.
Eventually your mind followed suit, wishing for anything to escape this pain. Anything to leave it behind.
Your luck had a turn for the worst when you were bitten by a spider at twelve and gifted cursed with abilities and skills inhuman and otherworldly.
Enhanced senses, heightened sensitivities and awareness and phenomenal intelligence and strength.
Superhuman.
And for two years you lived with it, not utilizing the powers for any kind of purpose. The heightened healing property of your curse made it hard to give up on this life as you had so desperately wished to.
You tried and tried again— and each time you failed.
When you were fourteen is when you met Venom, you had tested buildings before but never the Golden Gate Brigde. And as you clambered over the rail to stand at the very edge of the bridge’s structure— it happened.
You remember the feel of their texture sliding across your skin, then the pressure you felt as they sunk beneath your skin to meld with your body—
“It wasn’t that bad. You’re overexaggerating.”
“I thought we agreed you’d stay out of my head.”
“I never agreed to that.”
“Venom,” you scolded lightly. Not reprimanding in a way that spat disappointment over ownership. But in a way that spoke volumes of the relationship you shared with the alien. Equals.
“I hate it when you think about that bastard.”
“I know, I’m sorry.. my thoughts get away from me.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. He made his choice, you are what he made you. And you’re more than worth it. You deserve love just as everybody else.”
They went silent after that and you didn’t bother trying to get them to keep up the conversation. Just smiled softly at their nature— overprotective and fond.
Venom had saved your life when you were at your lowest, the abilities you gained from your spider bite coupled well with their own. And upon latching themself to you they had promised they would make you see the value in life. And you had.. in them.
They were what kept you alive, and you couldn’t be more grateful for them coming to your aid when you needed it the most.
“You’re sweet, you like to act like you’re big and bad but on the inside you’re just a big softie.”
“I regret everything I said.”
“Oh come on, I was thanking you for what you said.”
“Funny how you didn’t actually say the words ‘thank you’ at all.”
You just laughed as they grumbled in your head, but you were swift to straighten and turn serious when your senses tingled. Like a cold rippled shucking down your back to warn you of incoming danger or threats.
Venom growled lowly alongside the tingle and you jumped up, spinning around to face the danger that caused your senses to ripple. And a glowing orange portal suddenly erupted to life just a few feet in front of you. Sliding your mask back on you separated your feet and steadied yourself, prepared and strong in stance.
Your senses tingled again— sharper this time and you stood there on tense silence and a brief moment of absolute stillness. A moment later something was shooting from the portal, something turned out to be someone and you recognized the green suit and grinning goblin mask as Green Goblin tackled you off the building.
You freed yourself from his grasp and shot a web to the corner of the building to your left before pulling yourself free from his grip and onto the side of the skyscraper.
Your jaw ticked as a flicker of annoyance sparked to life in your chest. The very last thing you wanted to deal with after a long day was an anomaly. You were honestly tempted to just call up Peter B. Parker and have him come here and take care of this himself.
Or maybe he could convince the leader he follows to come do it, not that you know his name or anything f about him but from what Peter says apparently he’s pretty damn good at his job.
“Seriously another one? Our dimension can’t be that exciting can it?”
“Right there with ya buddy, why did he have to come here after we already finished up our day too?”
“Honestly, like— a little fucking class wouldn’t hurt.”
You chuckled at their remark before your senses tingling had you swinging away from the spot you occupied previously just as a gas bomb erupted against the brick.
An irritated sigh left your lips behind the fabric of your mask as you perched yourself on a lamp post, the Goblin’s eerie hysterical laughter echoing loud and prominent in the desolate streets surrounding you. Everyone having long since turned in for the night leaving the area free of any civilians which made your job —and in turn Venom’s— easier at least.
The fight that had begun two minutes after Goblin had tried to surprise you with his fucking chemical bombs wasn’t all you had thought it would be. This Goblin was a whole lot weaker than your Goblin, not only that but the guy kept glitching every few minutes.
And you and Venom capitalized on the very golden opportunities that event opened up to you every time it occurred.
And finally taking him down without any damage to the buildings or street was just the icing on the cake, the fact that the whole fight didn’t endanger any innocent people was a plus too.
Things only went to shit when you went back to that portal with Goblin slung over your shoulder and found two different spider variants walking out of it.
“Well what the fuck took them so damn long? Sure, sure no worries we’ll protect our own universe and keep others out too. No fucking problem on our end.”
Again, you found yourself chuckling humorously at Venom’s attitude. Their clear lack of patience and respect for those in charge of keeping the multiverse under control amusing you. Sure, you both liked Peter enough to admire what it was he and the guy he followed did.. along with the other spider variants he works with. But still.. if you’re going to make this your entire career and you’re going to dedicate yourself to the security of the multiverse— at least be good at it.
“Think this asshole got lost, poor wee lamb.” You quipped as you landed on the rooftop the other were standing on. You carelessly threw Goblin off your shoulder and he grunted as he hit the concrete on his back. The sound of pain coming from him almost humanizing him a bit, and you curled your lip derisively as he broke out into a mad grin seconds later.
Whilst you were distracted staring at Norman, Miguel withheld his sudden and intense urge to upheave all the contents in his stomach. His heard felt like lead as it plummeted to his toes, knots in his stomach winding themselves up tightly at the sound of your voice.
“[Y/Name]?”
You looked up when the man of the two variants spoke, and there was a flicker of recognition in your stomach at the voice. Recognition that swiftly turned to course and fiery hot rage that flowed through your blood like magma.
“How dare he?!”
The man pulled his mask off his face and there he was, your father, Miguel O’hara.
“How dare he return here?!”
You took an instinctive step back from him when he revealed his face. And you flinched internally when you saw it, he looked miserable.. eyes bloodshot and brows downturned to put a deep and painful scowl on his face.
He looked broken.. hurt.
And the twisted and vengeful feelings inside you felt good at the prospect of him hurting. You liked that look on his face.. because he more than deserved whatever put it there.
Miguel watched as you stepped back, you didn’t remove your mask as he did. Just stood there frozen as you stared at him. Then the eyes of your mask narrowed and he could abruptly feel the heat of your glare searing into his skin. Angry and painful.
“Parker— that fucking bastard, we’ll kill him.”
“We?” The woman spoke and you looked from your father to her. She had darker skin and a styled afro, her mask was more or less goggles on her face and Venom snickered inside your head at the mental insult you made.
You decided to ignore her question, the passive aggressive tone she took not inclining you to be cooperative with her at all.
“As far as we know Osborne was the only one who got into this universe,” you informed choosing to look back to Miguel to address him instead of the woman. “So gather him and go home.”
“[Y/Name] wait!—”
“Don’t. You’re just here for him right?” You queried gesturing to Norman when you referred to him. Then you were facing Miguel again. “Take him and get out. We’re finished here.” You weren’t granted the chance to see his reaction— immediately doing what you thought was best for you and getting out of the uncomfortable spot his return had put you in.
And you swung away as you ignored the calls of your name he roared into the night. You didn’t want anything to do with him, and there was nothing you owed to that bastard. Not a damn thing.
And as you swung away from that rooftop you felt angry at the fact that you could feel your guarded heart hurt in deep and stinging agony once again— because of him.
And you felt a twitch of disgust in yourself twist itself into a knot within your chest, born at the expense you felt you were dishonoring Venom by being hurt you saw your father again.
After all, it was them that had healed you six years ago when they had first bonded with you. And it was them and them alone that had healed that ache in your heart.
“Kid.”
“Please Venom, not now.”
They went silent after that, and you stayed quiet too as you swung through the city. You just wanted to be at home, safe and comfortable in the warmth of your own space. Just so you could calm the roaring of your blood and thunderous heart in the security and peace that your home brought you.
You knew that now that he knows you’re still alive he’ll come back, and you’re not sure how the next time will go.. this time you just wanted out. The way your heart had picked up and the way your blood quickened had made you just want to be isolated and safe.
You’re not so sure which feeling will take more presence next time— but you could promise this; the rage you had briefly felt, that died behind the feeling of ache and hurt but still lingered, was strong. If it took province over every other feeling next time you could promise it wouldn’t end well.
Not for Miguel.
Not for you.
And not for the multiverse.. the same multiverse he had been so keen on protecting—
The multiverse he had chosen over you.
—
a/n: I did this during a tattoo on my ribs— and the wipe down continues to be my least favorite part of adding tattoos to my body, cause how can I sit through a tattoo just fine then get weak on the wipe down? 🥲🤌🏽
#across the spider verse#spiderverse#miguel o’hara#jessica drew#peter b parker#miguel o’hara x reader#venom x reader#spiderverse x reader#venom x platonic!reader#miguel o’hara x daughter!reader#platonic reader
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Throughout both seasons of Good Omens, I adore watching how Aziraphale and Crowley show their love for each other. They each have a different set of needs that the other knows about and validates... Crowley is big on giving Aziraphale Acts of Service. Aziraphale leans more towards Physical Touch.
But one thing that they both give the other is possibly the most important for our two man shaped beings... Words of Affirmation.
It's easy to see when Crowley does this for Aziraphale, and I think it's quite easy to see when Azi both needs those words and also how dramatically he responds to them.
He doesn't just enjoy Crowley praising him... he needs it. Heaven has been brutal to Aziraphale. They have never had a kind word for him... instead they belittle him and mock him at every turn.
Imagine that THIS is what you are given for thousands and thousands of years. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, THIS is the response. Nothing is ever good enough. EVER.
And then, you meet a demon. And he listens to your ideas. He sees you for who you are. And he never mocks you. He listens. He accepts you. And he tells you that you're doing good things, that you're smart, that you're clever. That you have value.
Look at that face!!! Look how much it means to him! Even with six thousand years together, Aziraphale is ready to be mocked, and when Crowley encourages him, it is everything!
Even waaaaay back, in the Garden. They hardly knew each other, and yet already we have this affirmation that Aziraphale desperately needs.
What might be more difficult to see is how Aziraphale gives Crowley Words of Affirmation that HE needs just as much. It's much more subtle, but Crowley needs them, and Aziraphale provides.
Crowley's entire existence is a delicate balancing act. Inside, he is at heart a good person. He didn't lose that in his Fall like many of the other demons. We can see his kindness in a thousand small ways... his concern for children, his love of Aziraphale, following Hell only as far as he can... But imagine. He's a demon of Hell. Surrounded by people who think words like kind, nice, love are "four letter words." And the punishment for that kindness is not just mockery, but it's physical, brutal. How easy would it be to lose those parts of yourself just out of pure survival?
And then, you meet an angel. And he sees you for who you are, deep down, all the little things that you had to hide away. And he says it out loud, so you know that he sees it and accepts it and appreciates it. And he helps keep those parts of you you cherish alive.
Aziraphale is the only person that validates those parts of Crowley. And even if Crowley reacts negatively to it either out of fear that they're being listened to or even just habit, he still hears it.
Okay, he reacts REALLY badly to it... but Aziraphale never stops saying it, either. He knows deep down just how much Crowley needs him to say it.
Kind, nice, these are the most common of Aziraphale's Words of Affirmation... but there is one that I think Crowley needs the most... the one that he himself brings up the least... the fear that as a demon he is truly unforgiveable. He is unreliable when describing his Fall through out the series, and I see that as a sign that it is something that eats away at him. No demon gets forgiven. Period.
But Aziraphale forgives him. Offers it to him over and over. (Ignore the final offer of forgiveness in S2... those circumstances are out of the ordinary).
And when Aziraphale offers his forgiveness, I don't think that he's limiting it to whatever the surface reason is. Look at him... that's the face of someone who is trying to put as much meaning behind his words as he can. To reach that core of self-doubt that Crowley hides away, and ease the ache that is there. "You can be forgiven. You are worth forgiving. I forgive you, even if no one else does." We see throughout the series the forgiveness that Aziraphale offers start off pretty broad, and moves more and more intimate... from "May God forgive you" to "May you be forgiven" to finally "I forgive you." He refines his words until he finds what Crowley needs.
For both of them, the Words of Affirmation that the other provides is such an important part of their relationship! I'm thinking that soon I'll take a look at some of the other Love Languages that they use throughout the series. Until then!
#good omens#ineffable husbands#aziraphale#crowley#aziraphale loves crowley#crowley loves aziraphale#aziracrow#anthony j crowley#mr a. z. fell#good omens 2#good omens meta#ineffable love languages
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silver springs
finnick odair x gn!reader
2k words
masterlist
summary: finnick's cycle of self destruction stops for no one, even if it tears the two of you apart, but you refuse to fade into the past.
warnings: angst, lots of it, self destructive behavior, mentions of trafficking, allusions to consensual smut, reader values their virginity, arguments, break ups, trauma, unhealthy relationship dynamics, unhappy ending, but could be interpreted as hopeful if you want it to be, unedited, no use of y/n
𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒
Finnick knows he should just fall asleep, let himself rest and turn his brain off from overthinking, but he can't. You deserve better, so much better than the broken boy from District 4 who will forever be playing his role in the puppet show. Where you've fought the demons off with compassion for each person you've come across, it shames him how easily he can fall into the facade of the egotistical Capitol darling. Eventually his outlook will consume the joy you've harvested to forcefully in the depths of your heart and he knows not a minute will pass that he can look at himself in the mirror knowing he did that to you. So he has to end it, to let you be free for a much happier life, at least that's what he tells himself as he prepares for you to wake.
You're so beautiful in the moonlight that glows on your sleeping face and he's even more enthralled when the sun begins to rise and it's like you're an angel in the colors. He's not sure when he let a few tears shed thinking about how when you wake up it'll be the last time he sees you like this, but it's for the best. When you do hazily wake up, blankets falling off your bare body as you sit up, all your sleepy smiles make his heart clench even more, but his brain more certain.
“Good morning." You mumble out, leaning in for a kiss which he scoots away from and your incoherent brain snaps to attention. No matter how long it's been since you've been in the arena, you doubt that instinct will ever go away, the need to be constantly on edge if something seems slightly off, and he is. Finnick is usually the type to be just returning from a swim with some fish he caught in the morning or arms wrapped around you. “What's wrong?" You can feel a defense mechanism settling in with the numbness of your voice, had you really finally had the courage to let someone have your body only for them to pull away from your love the very next morning? What a cruel master the universe seemed to be no matter what cards you played.
Finnick's eyes were glossy and he rubbed his face as he sniffled, forcing the words out of his reluctant throat, “I don't think we should see each other anymore." Before the words have even finished tumbling out of his mouth you've pulled the blanket back up to cover your exposed chest. How could you be so cautious of something only for it to come from the person you least expected, apparently you weren't cautious enough.
“Oh." It's humiliating, if you could just disappear into the air you would give anything to do so. You can't cry, it would only further that humiliation, so you robotically move to the side of the bed to grab the panties that had been so lazily thrown off by him the night before. “Congrats on the score, Finnick, hopefully I'm worth a good amount of points." Your voice can't be allowed to crack or shake, but it's fighting against your willpower.
“It's not like that." Finnick quickly says, observing you, and he'll never say it, but he's scared. He doesn't want you to hate him, to break your heart, he just wants you to be free of his chains.
You scoff and have to force yourself to stand without the protection of the blanket so you can find the rest of your strewn about clothes. “I’m sure that's what you tell all of them.” All of us, he's always been a rumored playboy, but with what the Capitol did to him that was what you'd placed it on. Not that he played people, but that he was unfairly used, now you reasoned, two things could be true at once. Him having past partners had never bothered you when he began talking to you, but now you wondered how he left them. You glance back for less then a second when you see he's buried his head in hands, not answering.
He knows this isn't true, that he's doing this because he cares too much to let his darkness eat you alive. Maybe he'll even have to say that to you, so he won't have to live with the additional weight of your resentment.
“I just-" Your throat breaks on a sob you're holding back, “I know it's not important to everyone, but it was important to me, Finnick. I gave you something that I wasn't ready to give anyone else because I thought…” You sighed, "It doesn't matter what I thought, but it's so fucked that you took that away when you knew.” A stray tear has forced its way through which you're wiping away as soon as you can. Your pants are in a pile at the end of the bed which you quickly grab.
“I'm sorry." His voice isn't hiding the tears as he looks up from his hands, he's genuine and you can tell as much from his voice, but it doesn't stop the internal berating of being so stupid to finally share that intimate part of yourself when he would leave you hours later. “I didn't plan it like that, honey, I didn't."
“Please, don't call me that." He nods his head in retreat after your request that was meant to be more forceful, preferably he'd never speak to you again.
“You deserve better, so much better." You agree, the bare minimum would be a day before he broke the news not hours after you'd slept with him. “Better than me, I need you to have better.” He feels like a child, knees pulled up to his chest as he gives you up so you'll be far away from his destruction, but you feel more like a toy he's gotten bored of playing with. Like a hurricane it hits you that he means being with you, a sentiment he’s murmured many times in your relationship even if you insisted otherwise at each utterance. Yet you can no longer find it in you to assure him otherwise, no matter how much you disagree.
“Oh my god, this is the ‘woe is me, I'm Finnick Odair, so unlovable’ act again!” You could tear your hair out, "I could love you, Finnick! That's who could and I'm so sick of this push and pull thing you play at. But we are all dealing with things inside and you refuse to be, not even helped, but at least cared for!”
He's gotten up from the bed, shaking his head with as much intent as he can muster, "If you loved me it would kill you.”
"Says who?” You no longer care about whether or not you're keeping composure or yelling, you've spent every moment you can trying to assure him and within the hours you slept he decided to tear it all apart. "Oh right, just you! You and your endless piles of self doubt, I'm not asking for that to go away, but you could at least be open to hearing others out."
“It's for you, honey, I couldn't live with myself if I put you through that."
Any movements you were making stop as you stare at him, he's so honest, so eager, and you radiate an anger he despises himself for making, but wants to catch the last few sparks of before he leaves forever. “You are so selfish. Have you ever even considered the fact that I would suffer more without you, then with you, or were you too busy trying to punish yourself for not spending every moment of your life in a pile of guilt?”
He doesn't answer and you know it's a no. Part of you says it's wrong to tell a man who's always eating himself up from the inside that he's selfish, but you feel like you're on autopilot.
"I'm a person, Finnick! Everyone you've ever dated is. You do not get to play house for a year to live in a fantasy and then push us away whenever your thoughts are too much, that's why it doesn't work, you won't let it. And everyone who puts in the effort to love you, to care about you, has it all swept away when you're ready to wallow again. That way when you briefly decide it's over you can do it all over again.” You're pulling on the pants before you can look around for the shirt in some hidden spot.
Finnick feels like he's running cold, part of him knows you're right that his cycle is neverending, but you can understand, he tells himself. Even if you're a fellow victor, no one can help him, he's resigned himself to it and you're too light of a bubble to let you pop. So he has to live in denial, that he has to protect you from himself even if that is really what's attacking you now, “I care and I can't do this to you. You don't understand, I'm like a whirlpool waiting to suck everything in with me."
“You have." You find the shirt and button it up with fumbling fingers, blood pulsating in anger, sadness, and the want to beg him to change his mind and let you sit with forever. But you know you can't subject yourself to his cyclone of self-destruction any longer, not when you have your own struggles to deal with. The things you couldn't tell him about because of the constant pressure to be the light in his bleak outlook of the world, even when you were so tempted whenever it seemed like he was in his true state. The Finnick that was sweet and giving, or maybe you were an idealist wishing for a man that he could truly never be. “I won't fade into obscurity over you.” Your voice has become considerably softer and you gaze at his shaking body.
"What?” He asks, he knows that you won't understand why he has to do what he's convinced himself he must, but that doesn't prevent him from wanting to take it all back, embrace you, and promise to do better even if he knows he won't.
"I'm a victor too, Finnick. Every party, I'll be there, when you have to watch required programs on the television, I'll be there. I won't take a step back just because I'm hurt, we're all wounded dogs, Finnick, some of us just handle it better and I won't quiet myself just because it might remind you of another person you've pushed behind.”
“I'm not asking you too."
“No, but it's what you're used to. I'm not just someone else from home, you will always hear my voice, see my face, and I need you to know that. I want you to get better, Finnick, because I care about you more than you can even fathom, but I will be a hitch from what you're used to. You deserve to know that, I'm sorry if that makes it more difficult for you or maybe it's what you need. A wake-up call that whatever you're doing is what's actually hurting people not whatever fucked up fantasy it is you're listening to in your head.”
Finnick wanted you to know how much you cared, but said nothing as he pushed down more tears when you left, never to be in his room again. The mornings spent in your comfort are officially gone. You'd been right of course, he couldn't wallow and move on because you were everywhere. Your laugh in his ears at every party, your saccharine voice on the screen, your presence around every turn. Maybe you'd even been right when you insinuated this was what he was missing, he couldn't forget about you long enough to fall into his routine, especially not when the echoes that once told him he had to let you go sang a different tune. How destructive he was for letting the one person who could even attempt to anchor his tortured soul go.
𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒
Thank you for reading, as always feedback, comments, likes, reblogs, is all super appreciated! I was going to write another chapter of the lakes but I had this idea in my brain presenting so here it is. 💋
#finnick odair x reader#finnick odair#finnick odair x y/n#finnick odair angst#finnick odair x you#finnick odair x reader angst#finnick odair fanfic#finnick fanfic#finnick x reader#finnick imagine#finnick x you#finnick odair fluff#finnick odair x reader fluff#thg#finnick odair imagine#hunger games finnick#thg finnick
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Art
Summary: Sometimes everyone needs to be reminded that they are more then what they think of themselves
Word count: 1.1k
Warnings: none
“Some people are artists. Some, themselves, are art. And you my sweet, sweet Azriel are art.” his piercing hazel eyes stare blankly back at you. “You are art crafted by the gods themselves, and it has nothing to do with your looks, Az. And it has everything to do with your soul and who you are.” Somewhere deep down Azriel knew you were talking to him but all he could focus on was the tears running down his face and colliding with your hands that gently cupped his face. All he could feel was the warmth and love radiating from your soul that was trying its hardest to pick up the broken pieces of his soul to help him put himself back together again.
It wasn’t often that Azriel cried and even rarer that he cried in front of another person and just about damn near impossible that he would cry in front of someone who wasn’t his brothers, but here you are cupping his cheeks and wiping his tears all while reminding him that he is worth more than he thinks of himself. There was something so soft and tender about your words yet they were so strong and full of passion and Azriel could never bring himself to battle the words you so fiercely speak to him.
“You are art in the way you look after everyone, constantly aware of our needs before we ourselves even think about what it is we need. Art in the way you are always willing to listen to us complain even if you’ve heard about the same story for the millionth time all while offering the most kind, considerate, caring advice because you listen every. Single. Time. “ he silently listens as you put emphasis on your last three words “ Your willingness to sacrifice yourself as long as it means your family is safe is beautiful, don’t get me wrong it scares me like no other to think of a world where you are not in it but none the less I think your willingness to protect your family at any cost including yourself is beautiful.” The sound of the fire crackling just a few feet behind where you sit on Azirels bed provides the only sound in the room and it is also the only source of light allowing you to see the striking eyes of the shadowsinger.
“You give and give and give constantly to those around you but what about yourself Azriel? When will you realize that you have to take care of yourself before you can help others? I know that you think about all these endless possibilities where you are not a part of this family but I can tell you without any doubt that none of us would have ever let that happen. We need you as much as you need us, even if you are reluctant in acknowledging that part.” The small laugh that follows from your lips brings Azriel’s focus back to the present. His room is lit only by the fire casting you in a beautiful orange glow, and oh how he wished he could paint like Freye because he's never wanted to keep a memory to himself more than this one.
The room once smelt like him now has the faint scent of your perfume wafting around in the air bringing him a sense of comfort Azriel didn’t know he even needed. He would never understand how he could need so little in life but he would always need you. The person who pulled him out of his darkest thoughts. Held him after the day had taken its toll and left him feeling like a failure. Prevented him from staying in his head when his thoughts took a darker turn than was acceptable.
There are many things Azriel is grateful for but your existence is by far the thing he values most in his life. Rationally he knows that Cassian and Rhysand are unwavering pillars of friendship and family in his life but there was something so intimate about your late night talks when you pull him out of his self-deprecation that he could never have with his brothers.
“Your soul is the most beautiful piece of artwork I have ever seen. But that's the thing about art Az, not everybody is going to like it and that's ok. But do you want to know a secret about art?” your hands release his face in favor of grabbing his hands to give them a reassuring squeeze. Once more you look into his eyes, the hazel eyes that you know will never tell you a lie and all you can see is the desperate need for reassurance that breaks your heart. Azriel may put on a facade but you always see past it. And what you see is a man who has been dealt a terrible deck of cards in this game called life and up until this point the only goal has been survival. But now it's time to teach him how to truly live, starting with learning to at least be at peace with who he is. Far later down the road will you teach him to love himself like you love him but for now you need him to know that no matter what happens in you lives you will always find art and beauty in who Azriel is, beyond his skills and talents because he has always been more than those things, he is his mind and thoughts and passions and hopes and dreams and he is someone who deserves to be loved. Without any conditions or hesitations. But whole heartedly and passionately.
“Sometimes after the artist thinks they are finished with their work they take a step back and release they don’t love what they have created and that's ok for a few reasons. One, someone else may think that it's the most beautiful thing that they have ever seen. Two, the artists can always change things about their painting: add this, take away that, until they like the end result. This part has no timeline, no defined ending to when it has been perfected. And reason three, there will be people who look at the beginning painting and love what they see but the artists will be unhappy and change it however many times they need until they love it and those people who loved it the first time will love it at each and every stage until the final result is finished.”
“We are the artists and who we show up as to the world is the painting of our soul so if you don’t like it, keep painting until you are happy, and I promise you I will love it at every step of the way, because you my sweet Azreil are the most breathtaking piece of art I have ever seen. Do not let your clouded vision of yourself prevent you from seeing what I see, because it is beautiful.”
#acotar x reader#azriel x reader#azriel angst#azriel fanfic#azriel imagine#azriel one shot#azriel shadowsinger#acotar x you#azriel acotar#acotar imagine
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thinking about the Lady again and she actually is the Character Ever.
Starting off with her design. How ridiculously simple it is, right? Her yukata is plain brown and has a single layer, her wig (and yes, I am positive what she wears is not her hair but a wig soley because of how easily it comes undone... that kind of hairstyle is meant to STICK when done with actual hair) has no decorations befitting a woman of her powerful status and her mask is nothing but... empty. You could mistake her for a mannequin and you wouldn't even be wrong. It's by design, after all: she is as insanely important, as a figure, as she is anonymous as a person.
But then, it's with amusement that you note that that boring, unexpressive mask is called the "Rascal's mask" when unlocked. It's such an oddly affectionate nickname stemming from a person so utterly despicable. And then you notice her hair. Her long, black hair that should be hidden under her wig, as the hairstyle goes, but are instead hanging out freely. Not very traditional at all, right? You could almost read it as a small act of defiance of... something. Now, what that thing is, I doubt even she knows. Maybe it's just her way to seek individuality without having to step into zones she does not want to touch.
And then, of course, the lack of shoes. It's not uncommon for people to wear slippers in the house - especially for the Japanese - but she just... doesn't. In that small, small way, she is similar to Six - and every other child in the Maw running around barefoot. Except she's above running, of course. She's got the privilege of floating like a ghost so that she may never touch the ground.
(The only time when this rule is broken is when she fights Six, poetically enough. You can see her visibly step back.)
These strange little things are the first things that push you to wonder about her as a person. Not the title, not the Lady of the Maw: the individual behind the mask. Who is that person? What is she like? Is there a way to answer these questions? I think yes, if you know where to look - but is it worth to ask these questions considering what she does?
That depends on you. Me personally, I think there is narrative worth to be found in what she has to hide. Her foil, Six, finds value in the aspects of herself she does not hide: she is very unapologetic in her selfhood. The Lady isn't, for the most part.
(I wonder if that would make her envious of her younger counterpart in a different context?)
Frankly, looking back on her choice of attire, the fact that her personal bedroom is barely decorated is not surprising. She only has the essentials: a bed, the vase with the key, a few pictures of importance (of people long forgotten, herself included no doubt) and... an ungodly amount of misplaced clothes all over her quarters. All the same yukata, repeated over and over, maniacally folded and arranged in towers, but never where they're supposed to be.
A bedroom is the reflection of yourself. Of your inner world. The fact hers looks so barebones is quite telling about who she is. Or isn't. She herself may have some trouble trying to figure that one out.
I think that, in a vacuum, it's easy to assume that the reason she's so displeased by her reflection is soley out of vanity. That is definitely part of it, but I don't think that's all there is. Because after seeing the mannequins that all look just like her, the four women in the picture who also wear her same exact clothes... and that hidden quote.
This quote, which is from Alice in Wonderland. Specifically from a conversation in which Alice expresses how she doesn't recognise herself anymore because of how many times she grew big and small during the course of the day. She is not the same person she was before entering Wonderland.
I find the way she clings to the dolls and the music box to be much more... sombre when keeping this in mind. In a way, that scene is reminiscent of Monster Six clinging to her music box in the chaos of the Tower; an attempt to attach to something safe. For the Lady, it's even more personal. Those are her toys. Her song. No one can take them from her and claim them as theirs. These materialistic tomes are physical proof of her identity. She likes dolls, and she likes to sing that song from her music box. Surely, that much is something.
But a ceramic toy and an old music box are not really enough to placate the inner turmoil. Hence the broken mirrors, the hidden statues... the hung down portraits with their eyes scratched out - from times of the past. There is a person looking back in the mirror which she does not recognise. That can't be her, right?
It isn't. The reflection is but a faux image of her outward appearence. The inside, however... much like this concept art shows, she is melting away. Rapidly decaying no matter how much she tries to stick to her youth.
Because at the end of the day, that's what she's doing, no? The toys, the music box, her appearence... all of it, just to cling a bit more to the person she used to be. Point being that I doubt even she remembers what she used to be.
You'd think a person like this would be inclined to feel at least some sympathy for all the lost children wandering the Nowhere. A sense of kinship, perhaps, or even just... basic human compassion. She has proved to have very human emotions, after all. This is where she proves you wrong. Whenever you think she's stepped the lowest, she always goes lower.
In her humanity, she is brutal. Relentless, ruthless. She offers no sympathy to anyone and has no empathy to spare either. She is very much aware of what's going on under her roof: she not only allows the Maw to continue being the way it is in spite of having the power to change things, but she actively engages in its despicable practices. She has petrified children in her quarters, as well as their ashes - of which the use is unclear - and then she is responsible for the Nome population and exploitation being so large and so eerily heavy. She's twisted necks, broken bones, murdered innocents.
The Shadow Children are, to me, one her greatest offenses. I don't think they serve any particular purpose other than... being there because she wanted to make them. Children ripped away from their life because of her whims. Not even in death can they rest because she can get her hands on their souls. They're nameless, forgotten shadows with blank masks: they're just like their creator, in that way. Ripped of all individuality and devoid of everything.
Everything she sees, the Lady devours. Not a creature is safe from her shadows and her wrath, especially if they come and actively intrude in her activities. She's twice as aggressive if the Maw is at stake.
The Lady's personal bedroom has another motif piece which I did not previously mention: the Maw wallpaper. While Roger and the Chefs have wallpapers that portray them with her, the Lady... does not. She only has the Maw. She's not part of that picture.
The Lady can't let the Maw change its ways. She is the Maw. The Maw must survive: so must she. To change the Maw would mean challenging herself enough to bring about a change; to her, who does nothing but lament what she lost, that would be too much effort. Too outside of the comfortable zone where she can survive in peace. Miserable, but unbothered.
... For the most part. Until Six comes around.
#the lady#carols.txt#ln meta#{dude i dont even know where i was going with this#if it seems like this post comes from a place of love it does#not at her as a person but like as a character. i find her so interesting and i feel oddly tender about her writing#usually when this happens its because i see pieces of the person i could have been in a character (like scaramouche for example)#but this time its from the completely opposite perspective#i am a person with a very clear idea of who i am. i know what my identity is and i am not afraid to express it#so witnessing a character with such a confused identity is both alien and fascinating to me#i wanted to focus more on her atrocities and how capitalism is what changes a person but its... 2 am and i am sick rn#i spent an hour literally vomiting my ramblings on this post#as a person and what she stands for i despise her. as a character i wish to put her in a security blanket and see how she gets out#this post feels terribly personal for some reason. like whatever . shes not even allat#im lying she literally IS allat#idk i love well written female characters who feel like people and dont fit in a specific convenctional box. sue me#< goes for six too#not opening *that* can of worms rn but. yeah}#little nightmares
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12, 14, 16, and 22 for Snape asks please
I am most interested in your view of Lily as a character. To me, she never really seemed to live up to the hype I see? Like, I get the point that she's supposed to be Harry's mother and is supposed to be seen as the one who can't do any harm because of the sacrifice and all that. But I don't know whether JK purposely or intentionally put, like, the worst flashbacks to portray her as angelic(?). If I remember correctly, she wasn't even talked about as much as James by Remus or Sirius, they had to add things about her in the movies.
I can't ever see Lily as a good friend to Severus. To others, maybe, but I feel like it was different with Severus. More like a complicated one that was give-and-take, including Severus. Severus, an abused poor boy from Cokeworth, who knew about the wizarding world and Lily, a girl brought up in a happy family, who knew nothing about the wizarding world. Severus was able to get a friend while Lily gained knowledge of the wizarding world. But the one thing that cements this view of mine is the line where it says that Lily looks as if she was about to smile when Severus was being flipped over. Plus, I don't care if anyone says that she tried to defend him, but girl couldn't even use her wand or take points off as Prefect?? Girl was literally making a show, or whatever you want to call it.
Sorry about the rant, but I'm all for a good friend Lily in fics but when people say she was like that in canon? Maybe at times, but not when it mattered. I'd love to hear your opinion though.
thank you for the ask, @be-at-peace05!
[snape ask game here]
12. if you had to choose a golden trio era student to be snape's friend, who would it be and why?
while i don’t subscribe to the idea that he’s his godson, snape’s affection for draco malfoy does seem to be completely sincere. malfoy is also possessed of the sort of intellectual curiosity which snape obviously values (for example, how he figures out how to repair the vanishing cabinet - it’s genuinely impressive, and the fact that this is what he might be doing is certainly something which doesn’t occur to anyone in the order) and, while there’s no doubt that snape probably has as little interest in hearing him whine about everything as lucius does, i can see them having some genuinely fulfilling chats about potions. after all, malfoy gets an outstanding at owl, he must be good at the subject and he does seem to be interested in it.
14. what do you think is snape's favourite potion to prepare?
veritaserum. you just know he was chuckling to himself the whole time he was whipping that fake batch up for umbridge.
16. were you ever a snater? how and when did you become a snover?
i’m also extremely theatrical and fond of chemistry, so snape was always my boy.
i’m also capable of understanding the genre conventions which govern children’s literature and which require him to act as he does, so even when he was being a cock to various children we were chill.
22. do you think that lily was a good friend to snape?
well… this is the big one.
and the answer is no - but.
i always think it’s worth, before discussing lily, doing some quick acknowledgement of her narrative role in the story, which is a major contributing factor to why she feels a bit of a flop in person compared to the way she’s built up by other characters.
lily’s characterisation in canon is primarily hamstrung by two things. the first, as you note, is that her sacrificial role within the story requires a certain degree of perfection - not least because the harry potter series borrows heavily from the genre conventions of christian literature. lily is the analogy for the virgin mary - as we see when her purity of spirit succeeds in inflicting the first defeat on the satan-coded voldemort which will then be fulfilled by harry-as-the-resurrected-christ in the final stages of deathly hallows. obviously, a marian symbol is denied the complexity of other women - and that’s without even getting into the fact that the series has an extremely limited view of what ‘good’ motherhood is.
the second issue is that the text needs to keep lily’s centrality to the mystery hidden for as long as possible, not least because it needs to obscure snape’s true loyalties - and the role lily played in triggering them - until the very end of the seven-book series. this is the reason why sirius and lupin only speak about her once (after harry sees snape’s worst memory - and, even then, they’re mostly talking about james) and why harry’s self-conception is rooted entirely in his father - or in characters like sirius who are stand-ins for james - until half-blood prince, when the narrative begins to suggest that his mother is much more important than harry has previously given her credit for.
[the best way to illustrate this is to note that harry doesn’t give a shit in order of the phoenix that snape calls his mother a mudblood. his primary concern is that his father was a bully and that sirius aided and abetted him - when he thinks about lily, his concern is only that she doesn’t seem to like james, and his worry that his father forced her into a relationship. he doesn’t raise the fact that snape called lily a mudblood with sirius and lupin, and he doesn’t mention it to anyone else. but he cares - viscerally - about the slur at the end of half-blood prince, once the narrative is explicitly trying to convince the reader that snape is an unambiguous villain.]
these narrative necessities are a heavy burden for the canonical lily - and so i think she deserves some grace when it comes to how we analyse her behaviour in the snapshots of her as a real person we get in canon.
because of course she’s not perfect. why should she be? teenage girls are allowed to be less than flawless people - even towards their best friends.
[as an aside here, i think we have to be very careful - in our reading and our writing - not to replicate the contempt that jkr has for women who don’t fit her narrow view of ideal female behaviour. jkr loathes bitchy, girly, flighty, butch, rude, vapid, ugly women - just look at anything she’s ever said about pansy parkinson - and she tends to write her heroines - ginny and hermione chief among them - as that perfect not-like-other-girls storm of exactly pretty and clever and popular and brave enough to be worthy, but not so pretty as to be vain or clever as to be haughty or popular as to be slutty or brave as to be villainous. lily gets this treatment - and i think this drives the tendency of readers who dislike the way she behaves in canon to be hyper-critical of her characterisation. but the issue with this is that it’s also confining ‘good’ women to narrow boxes - while, all too often, allowing male characters a complexity their female counterparts are not permitted.]
which is to say: no, lily isn’t a good friend to snape. but he’s not a good friend to her either.
the issue that the two of them have is that they each relate to the other as though the other is the version of them that they’ve constructed in their head. they never take each other as they actually are.
it’s clear in canon that lily never moves beyond seeing snape as the child - devoted only to her - whose role was to teach her about the wonderful world of magic, and who acted primarily as a tool of her own self-actualisation. this is the reason why she can’t understand why snape is so concerned about fitting in at hogwarts - above all, why he wants to be friends with mulciber and avery - or why she never realises that he wants to be reassured of her affection for him versus the marauders, or why she doesn’t take what happens to him at the marauders’ hands seriously until she is made a part of it by james, or why she doesn’t understand snape’s relationship to his own social class and its role within slytherin. she simply doesn’t conceive of him as someone who exists for himself or who has a life of his own - he exists for her.
and snape thinks the same - he sees himself as the person who gave lily the wizarding world and, therefore, as the person who gets to dictate how she understands it. this is the reason why he can’t understand why she pushes back on his defence of mulciber’s use of dark magic (since he - in a very voldemort-ish move - clearly thinks that applying boundaries to what magic can and should be studied is gatekeeping), or why she doesn’t agree with him that the death eaters will help him, or why she’s upset when he’s rude to petunia, or why she leans into the performance of class expected from muggleborns (sucking up to slughorn, taking her pureblood husband’s name) in a time of increasing sectarian tension. she exists for him.
this assessment obviously makes them both sound incredibly cruel, but actually this is the way that childhood friendships often go. it’s very easy to see how the fact of being the only two magical children in cokeworth was validating for both snape and lily, and how this formed a tie between them which was very fierce but very brittle - which was never going to do anything other than shatter as they grew older, especially as they became aware of things like social structure, political affiliation, and sexual desire. it’s cruel of lily to laugh at snape’s poverty - absolutely - but it’s also the way that lots of teenagers who haven’t entirely grappled with their own relationship to society behave, and it’s also true that acting up in front of a boy you fancy is a time-honoured tradition which can also cause you to be quite cruel. lily isn’t nice by any means when snape is being attacked by james and sirius, but she doesn’t have to be. she just has to be human.
there are two final points which i think it’s worth being aware of:
the first is that snape evidently stands out as one of the few visibly working-class students in the castle [so much so that i have a meta in my drafts about whether or not hogwarts is a selective school] and the fact that he is obviously targeted for his poverty is cruel, and i understand why it makes many fans want to defend him - particularly given the fandom’s fondness for glorifying aristocracy and wealth.
but lily is also an other in wizarding society. i think it’s often not taken as seriously as it should be by snape fans just how terrified she must have been for her own safety, particularly from the later 1970s onwards, when all the evidence of canon is that voldemort is about to win. the wizarding world is set up to exclude her just as much as it is snape, and while we can and should be critical how her response to his poverty is unfair, we have to do the same for his outright refusal to acknowledge that she is subjected to discrimination on the basis of her blood status.
the second is that we don’t actually know if lily was a prefect - she was head girl, but james managed to become head boy without having been one. the person we do know was a prefect was remus lupin. if we’re criticising anyone for failing to intervene, it should be him.
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Do you have any thoughts on self aware yandere Dan Heng? Also I really enjoyed your other works so far!
hello! thank you for being my first Dan Heng and for your support! <3 i try to write my works based on the character personality rather than using dark themes to create shock value, so hearing this make me super happy.
i personally think his reaction would be defined by the user's personality whether she remind me of March 7th or MC since they are the girls that he spend the most time with.
trigger warnings - cheating and slut shaming.
accepting requests!
Dan Heng would be slightly shock till he realised that he have bigger problems of being seen as a villain from his previous reincarnation.
At least, she couldn't do anything to him behind a screen, surely he could not be that unlucky.
There was one aspect though that irks him because the user reminded him so much of March 7th when she would do live stream with her friends.
The resemblance was uncanny that Dan Heng would need to hide from March 7th to get his thoughts together before he would reveal the truth to her.
The past already haunted the girl where he was sure finding out about this would cause her to have a meltdown.
Dan Heng doubted that March 7th could keep this a secret and if the crew finds out, chaos will spread like wildfire.
Some things are better left unsaid where he planned to take this secret to his grave.
So Dan Heng decided to be nonchalant about the whole thing and resumed his daily life till one day that the user logged in and seem to be extremely upset since her eyes were puffy.
The young man was uncomfortable when she automatically clicked on his profile and played his voice lines.
To make matters worst, the user proceeded to break down and rambles about an intense breakup.
"Dang Heng, he cheated on me," and Dang Heng was sure that if he have romantic lines, she would pressing the play button non stop.
The urge to run away heightened to a whole other level but seeing the tears streaked down her cheek unlocked a tightening feeling in his chide.
Sympathy ? Jealously? Dan Heng did not know but the sight startled him a lot that he wanted to break the act and speak to her.
The user may have her flaws but she distracted him a lot from his intense thoughts about Dan Feng and she always did clean up the monsters from the streets.
After that, the user started using him as her personal diary by clicking on his profile everyday to tell him about everything.
It was annoying at first but he got used to it and Dan Heng soon developed a curiosity about the outside world.
It's a shame that he could never ask her questions about it.
One day, the user started switching to other characters and her new favourite became Blade.
The worst man to ever exists and his friend decided to latch onto him like glue and Dan Heng couldn't help but feel betrayed at her actions.
It felt like the user just grew bored of him and the realisation made him want to go beat the shit out of Blade.
It wasn't a very sensible idea but the user must be special to him considering he have blew a fuse at the whole predicament.
Dan Heng made the app crashed though by using his spear when he thought that she was going to declare to Blade that he was the best.
The user didn't stay loyal to Blade for long and Dan Heng found his way to appearing back on her screen again.
The damage was done though so when the user played his thoughts about Blade, he snapped.
"Fuck off, you just used me, goes back to Blade slut."
It was worth it when seeing her hurt expression before her eyes widened in confusion, hoping she just misheard him.
#dan heng#yandere dan heng#dan heng x reader#yandere dan heng x reader#honkai star rail#blade#hsr blade#hsr#march 7th
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eddie dating an artsy person
your mind is messy, constantly working and full of ideas. it almost feels like it'll explode one day. but eddie has a way of helping you sort them
will sit next to you while looking at an art piece and suggesting ways to finish it/make it better
goes to every art show with you. whether or not you're showing work. he wants to support you no matter what
will let you sit in on Hellfire for inspiration. even lets you take photographs throughout the meeting when you notice how nice everyone looks under the lights
at first his friends snicker under their breaths when he lets them know about the relationship. then it becomes painfully obvious why you found each other– two kids with messed up heads, misunderstood by their peers but not by each other.
he'll let you draw on him. loves it actually. started wearing shorter sleeves just for this reason. he hates washing off your doodles at night but you'll replace them the next day
uses his money from dealing to buy you art supplies. makes you promise to make him something in return
will hang every art piece you make him in his room. when his walls run out of space, wayne gives the okay to hang his favorites in the living room
will get one of the first drawings you ever gave him tattooed. even if you aren't friends as adults, it'll make him smile
asks you for ideas on his campaigns and listens to you closely. he values your opinion greatly
when you get overwhelmed, he'll sit with you until you're ready to talk, break something, or move on
never ever makes fun of you. not your strange fashion, your mannerisms, your art. nothing. he likes it all. so much.
pushes you to apply to art school or a school with a great art program. doesn't even doubt for a second you'll get accepted. when you get the acceptance letter, he asks for your autograph, "because it could be worth something now."
you make a card for his birthday every year. he keeps all of them in a box in his closet. it's like a timeline of how your art progressed over the years.
is definitely a bad influence when it comes to impulsive ideas. leads to bad haircuts and terrible hair dye colors.
he poses for you often. it's one of the few times he's not jumping around causing trouble
your classmates notice how often you use him as a subject and think its cute he's so supportive
helps you set up for showings
relaxes you the night before showing a piece to your class
has definitely drank out of the paint brush water cup more than once
definitely used a drawing marker as a pen when you weren't looking
aside from being your subject, will also be your canvas. afterwards, you'll have the sweetest sex while cleaning him off in the shower
everytime he buys you a new sketchbook, he'll leave a note on one of the pages. you won't find it for a while, and it makes your heart flutter when you finally do
a big one– he'll stay up with you late at night when a certain idea keeps nagging at you. does his best to draw your thought process together until you can finally sleep
he just loves you and your creative brain so much!!!
#eddie munson#eddie munson imagine#eddie munson fanfic#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson headcanons#eddie munson hc#eddie stranger things#stranger things#stranger things imagine#stranger things headcanons#stranger things hc#mandi writes#parkermunson
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Boyfriend!Lorenzo could put a price on anything in the world. Literally anything. Except for you. To him, you're priceless. No amount of gifts could ever get to the value he sees in you. And even though his main love language is gift-giving, in no way are his gifts meant to even attempt to reach your value.
Boyfriend!Lorenzo thinks you're amazing. To him, you're the best person to exist and he's never loved anyone as much as he loves you. That's why he hates seeing you insecure. He hates seeing you doubt yourself. He hates it when you can't recognize your value.
Boyfriend!Lorenzo's tries to help you get rid of your insecurities and doubts with a lot of loving and reassuring words. He knows exactly how to get your mood up, only by talking to you. But of course, his hugs and kisses help a lot with that as well.
Boyfriend!Lorenzo will never understand the people in your life who have put you down or made you feel as if you were worth less than you are. He can't understand how other people manage to oversee what an amazing and lovable person you are. But in some way, it can be a relief to him because he knows he's the only person who loves and values you as the person you are so so much.
Boyfriend!Lorenzo doesn't actually use the term "value" when talking about you. It's more of a thing in his head. Because you are priceless to him, he doesn't want to use a word that could imply a certain amount of worth you could have, even if it could be put in a number, it'd be so incredibly high. He just doesn't want you to think there's a limit to his unconditional love for you.
#lorenzo brainrot going strong#i could talk about him all day every day#chapter 216 really did it to me huh#anyways#blue lock#bllk#blue lock lorenzo#don lorenzo#don lorenzo x reader#don lorenzo x you#blue lock x reader#blue lock x you#blue lock headcanons#bllk headcanons#bllk x reader#bllk x you
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How about the twisted wonderland apocalypse au except the compound leaders are female and the mc is a slightly submissive male, would it be any treatment different from the original apocalypse au?
Riddle wouldn't be as strict with you. Rather, she's more strict with herself because it's her duty to bear children, so she's going to have so many rules for herself, all of which are intended to keep her physically and mentally healthy as she prepares herself for the day in which you finally knock her up. She's always worrying she'll be a bad mother, so she's constantly oscillating between fearful self-doubt and determination to be better than her own mother.
Leona pushes you around a lot. You really are an herbivore at heart, aren't you? She can be such a bully sometimes, especially since her word is law in the compound and everyone knows she's at the very top of the food chain here: an apex predator. Leona wants you to prove your worth, to snap back and stand up for yourself, but you're always so shy and submissive. It's actually a little boring at times. Really, if you're just going to bow to her every time she treats you just a little roughly how are you ever going to survive in the world?
Azul baby-traps you as soon as possible. I like to think that if you're too nervous to fuck her right away she's doing everything she can to seduce you. T_T please just fuck her already; she's desperate. She always wraps her legs around you to pull your body closer so it's a guarantee you'll cum inside. Or if you're fucking her in her mer form, chances are she's wrapping a tentacle around your waist and using you like you're a dildo lol. She is immensely proud when the test finally comes back positive. >:)
Kalim wouldn't treat you any differently. She loves you no matter what, so it doesn't matter to her if you're more submissive than other men in the compound. She still spoils you rotten and of course she wants a big, big family!! There is no such thing as protection with her; you're always going to cum inside every time because that's what she wants and who are you to deny the desires of Kalim? She's such a sweetheart and a sunshine and she means well! Naturally, you have to agree to make a happy family with her. :D
Vil cannot believe that out of every man in this compound she sees something in you. There must be some potential, otherwise she wouldn't have chosen you as a husband. Truthfully, Vil's tough on you. She tells you to speak up, to walk with good posture, to be confident in your stride and your words. Of course she only wants to help you improve upon yourself, but the way she goes about it can seem mean and strict at times. You are not allowed to fuck her until she sees an improvement in your submissive nature. orz
Idia's reaction is "he's just like me fr" because the both of you are literally so similar. She is so shy and so submissive and, if it weren't for lame compound rules, she wouldn't even consider choosing a husband. T_T she really just wants to watch anime, read manga, and game until the apocalypse settles down. Is that so hard to ask for? You are never knocking her up. I like to think Idia has this terrible fear of sex with a real man because in hentai it looks so easy and fun, but then she's comparing dildos to the length of her arm or hand and she's thinking, how is this fitting inside me? She is a virgin through and through. Also, she is terrified of pregnancy. >_< you'll likely have to start very slow and patient with her, but on the bright side she will put her minecraft bed next to yours. :D
Malleus loves you no matter what your personality is like, so in her eyes your submissiveness is incredibly charming. You have rizzed her up so bad omg. Sebek has no idea what she sees in you, but then Sebek can't understand the appeal of the Submissive Man. <3 Malleus probably values the quality time you spend with her more than anything else. She's just happy to be with you at all hours of the day. She always kisses the top of your hand in greeting. Truly, she is an elegant lady who adores you so very much! Also another virgin through and through, but what she lacks in experience she makes up for with sheer determination and passion! It's likely that, though her techniques may be a little sloppy, she will wring many orgasms out of you because she never lets up. <3 The type to very innocently ask, "You can keep going, yes?" after it's been like,,,, four long, intense rounds and your dick is so flaccid and you're so drained LOL.
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On my post about what Aziraphale meant by "I forgive you", @rebloggyssia replied:
I love this interpretation! It was a really sad moment to witness so I had problems to analyze the scene. But after reading your post I did rewatch it and Azi was really angry for a moment like you said. So my question is: why? Was he upset about Crowley not sharing is point of view, their miscommunication or something else?
I touched on this briefly in one of the many reblog threads of this post, but I have some more to say (don't I always?)
Earlier, I said that I think Aziraphale is angry that Crowley loves him, but not enough to follow him. That's the proximal reason.
But to be honest, I'm not even sure if he's really angry with Crowley. I think more than anything he's just fucking furious about this whole unbearable, hopeless, endless situation they're in. It's been six thousand years. They survived the end of the world. They're as free and together as they've ever been and they still can't talk about it. Whatever changed after Armageddon, it wasn't enough, and here they are again fighting for their lives. They can't go on like this.
So he offers a solution that he hopes will protect them both and Crowley rejects it out of hand. And like, of course he's angry about that, but I still maintain that whatever miscommunication is going on between them, fundamentally they know each other. Maybe better than two beings on Earth or anywhere else ever have. Deep down, I think he knew Crowley would never do this. And so he's angry, too, that he has this offer Crowley can't accept, and it's an offer he can't turn down.
That's the whole problem, isn't it? Angel and demon are sides in a war, they're deeply ingrained identities, but they're also choices. It's a bad choice between ruthlessly enforced control with the illusion of peace and unpredictable violence with the illusion of freedom, but it's the choice they have. Pick your poison.
The fact that Aziraphale and Crowley have never had this conversation - what if we could be on the same side? - says pretty plainly that they know where they stand. Arguably, Crowley returning to Heaven never felt like an actual possibility and so Aziraphale always assumed that if he could, he would. I think this is really one of those places where Aziraphale's cognitive dissonance is working overtime to accommodate his conflicting beliefs. Heaven is Good and there's something fundamentally wrong with anyone who would reject it. Crowley is the best person Aziraphale kows, and he rejects Heaven. Aziraphale reconciles this by doubting Crowley's rejection is genuine, but he also never has to test it if it isn't really on the table. He never asks Crowley and it isn't because he takes it for granted. It's because he doesn't want to hear that he's wrong.
So Aziraphale doesn't know what to do with Crowley's refusal, and maybe he really is surprised by it. Crowley usually does cave in the end. But I think he realised this would be a hard sell. If we're taking the fight at face value, that's how I would explain his anxious behaviour when he starts the conversation. He's making a proposition he knows Crowley is going to hate. He's nervous about Crowley's reaction, and his performance of excitement is his own version of a temptation: see how happy we can be, if you'll only say yes?
Aziraphale has thousands of years worth of repressed doubt and longing and Heaven is offering him the chance to set right all the things he knows to be wrong. He wouldn't have to live with this schism in his heart between faith and love. Whatever mistakes Heaven made are mistakes he can fix. And then Crowley says: no, angel, you can't fix this.
This is the brilliance of the Metatron's manipulation. For thousands of years, Aziraphale has been torn between Heaven and Crowley. I'm being unforgivably reductive about the ideals Aziraphale is struggling to reconcile, but on some level, it really is that simple. Aziraphale loves Heaven, Aziraphale loves Crowley, and he cannot have both. Heaven shows Aziraphale over and over that he can't have both. Meanwhile Crowley swans around giving Aziraphale excuses to flip Heaven off behind the archangels' backs, working beside him to do the good that Heaven won't, and never, ever making him choose. Crowley might have Opinions about Heaven's priorities and Aziraphale might privately agree but Crowley will never make him say it. He'll never ask Aziraphale to reject Heaven as Heaven demands he reject Crowley. Heaven gives black and white ultimatums and Crowley shows him how to live in the grey.
And then Heaven says he can have both. Aziraphale doesn't have to choose, he can have Heaven, and Crowley, and the power to fix the problems he always railed against besides. It's the perfect move, because if Heaven says yes, it forces Crowley to be the one to say no. And to make sure he does, Heaven includes a condition that Aziraphale can live with and Crowley absolutely cannot.
This is why Aziraphale is angry. All of it. It's a 6000 year running clusterfuck of impossible choices and every time he thinks he sees a way out it gets snatched away. He's had four years of freedom with Crowley and it still wasn't enough for them to even talk about what's really between them, and now Heaven is back knocking on their door. He's repressed all of his anger towards Heaven because it was never safe to express it, and then Heaven pulls a neat little trick to make all of it Crowley's fault instead, and dangles everything he wants right in front of him while knowing it'll stay out of reach. Even if he sees right through that, he's completely powerless to change it. So he's angry with Crowley, and Heaven, and himself, and for this one intense moment, anger he couldn't show becomes anger he can't hold back.
#good omens#good omens meta#fable talks good omens#there's a lot going on in this scene and i think this is actually only part of what he's angry about#but i think it's the most fundamental part that lies underneath everything else
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In Defense of Azriel: A Dissertation, Part One
One thing I see a lot within this fandom is the suggestion that Azriel, somehow, feels entitled to Elain, that he is some raging incel or some torture-loving freak or a white knight only interested in pursuing unattainable women, etc etc. And I am just not okay with that.
Azriel is SUCH a nuanced character and the fact so many people fail to see the context of his personality, his role within the narrative, and the obvious themes SJM is using in regard to his character is just... baffling to me. Especially when he has the potential to be such a powerful male character with an important story that deserves to be told.
So here we go, I'm defending Azriel with my whole chest. This is obviously a pro-Azriel post with pro-Elriel undertones, so if that isn't your thing then SCROLL.
Thx love you all bye.
1) Azriel suffers greatly with his sense of self-worth, so much so he thinks he is deserving of nothing.
We learn first from Mor that Azriel thinks so little of himself, no doubt a direct symptom of his childhood, that he harbors a deep sense of unworthiness. So much so that even if he were a prince, even if the woman he loved (I question this, but that is a whole other post I'll save for later, so I digress) stripped naked before him he wouldn't feel worthy enough to act.
"The issue, actually, wouldn't be me. It'd be him. I could peel off my clothes right in front of him and he wouldn't move an inch. He might have defied and proved those Illyrian pricks wrong at every turn, but it wouldn't matter if Rhys makes him Prince of Velaris--he'll still see himself as a bastard-born nobody, and not good enough for anyone. Especially me." - Mor, ACOMAF, Chapter 52
I think this is a great line to turn to when trying to understand the value Az places on himself. Mor says it herself, she could strip naked for him and he would still see himself as undeserving, still see himself as someone who shouldn't be granted the chance to have her affection. If he feels his way with Mor, someone who he supposedly has loved for centuries (again, I question this lol), then I think it's fair to claim he probably sees himself this way with all women.
This feels like the furthest thing from entitlement to me.
We can also see this inclination towards self-loathing come up again in the ACOSF Az bonus chapter when he gifts the necklace to Elain for the first time.
"He knew it was wrong, but there he was, sliding the necklace around her. Letting his scarred fingers touch her immaculate skin." - Azriel, ACOSF, Bonus Chapter (1 of 2)
These thoughts don't come from him thinking that he and Elain are wrong for wanting to be together, that their shared moment of affection (both now and as hinted at by the "This was the furthest it had ever gone" line) is wrong, but rather from this innate feeling of unworthiness. Az sees himself as nothing (see point below) and cannot fathom why someone like Elain, lovely Elain who resembles hope and the sun at dawn, would ever stop and see him. Give him her time, her offer and permission, would ever call his scarred hands-- the physical reminder of his trauma--beautiful.
He thinks it's wrong because he believes someone like him could never deserve a woman like her.
"Until he felt nothing. Was again nothing at all." Azriel, ACOSF, Bonus Chapter (1 of 2).
LIKE COME ON. This man sees himself as nothing. The fact he spoke up regarding his thoughts on the Cauldron potentially being wrong to begin with was a big thing for him, he who has many secrets, and Rhys SHUT HIM DOWN. 500+ years and even Cassian states Az is slow to open up, see below:
"Cassian knew it was a lie, but didn't push it. Az would speak when he was ready, and Cassian would have better success convincing a mountain to move than getting Az to open up." - Cassian, ACOSF, Chapter Nineteen
Az did speak this time, he felt so strongly and questioned fate itself so fiercely that he opened up to Rhys. He questioned the Cauldron, the fatemaker itself, not because he is entitled to Elain, but because there is something between them, something that has been brewing between them ever since their first meeting, something so fierce he is (finally) compelled to open up, to speak because he was ready. Think about how important that is for a character like him. Azriel, whose brothers of 500+ years could move a mountain more easily than get him to open up, did in fact, open up...
And he was shot down.
Of course, he wasn't going to wax off a lecture about Rhys's suggestion being wrong--because it was Rhys, not Azriel, who suggested entitlement.
Rhys's face drained of color. " You believe you deserve to be her mate?"
Azriel never suggested anything like this. An overwhelmed, distraught Rhys who feared for his mate and unborn child did.
And Azriel shut down, just as he did when he first confessed his feelings to Mor, and immediately abandoned the conversation in favor of silence. Not because he was pissed, or felt he was wronged, but because he saw these moments as validation of his nothingness, proof he was nothing, would always be nothing.
2) "If I Fail, They Will Leave Me" Complex
One thing I think that is important about Azriel's character that is often overlooked is his liberation from his father's dungeon. He wasn't set free when his hands were burned, rather returned to his "dark, airless cell" where was forced to continue on, burned and broken, for three years.
Three bloody years.
It was only when/sometime after his shadowsinging gifts first emerged that he was granted freedom. If you can call it that. Not because he was a little boy who deserved freedom, but because he had magic: a tool of value, a weapon to be used.
And used it was.
We learn from Rhys that Shadowsingers are highly coveted...
"Shadowsingers are rare--coveted by courts and territories across the world for their stealth and predisposition to hear and feel things others can't." - Rhys, ACOMAF, Chapter 16
And that Az was sent to the camp only AFTER his gifts were discovered.
"Az's father sent him to our camp once he and his charming wife realized he was a shadowsinger." - Rhys, ACOMAF, Chapter 16
This all goes to say that Azriel's freedom was largely granted because of his magic. What would this say to a literal child? He was only valuable because of his magic, because of what he could do.
And this need to please, this need to serve, and the subsequent fear of failure are very prevalent within Az's character. He runs himself ragged, he brings too much onto his plate, he is so busy he doesn't sleep, he always volunteers to put himself into harm's way because he thinks that is all he has to offer. I suspect his time working as the personal spymaster for Rhys's father might also have contributed to these feelings, but I don't have enough info at current to delve any further into that.
Moving on, all this also goes to combat the "pro-torture" argument I sometimes see. Do I think Azriel loves slicing and dicing? No, not really. Same as Rhys doesn't like breaking into people's minds. I suspect Az sees his work in Hewn City as a similarly necessary evil, something he must do (rather than anyone else) because he is already "tainted", something he has to do to be worthy. Something he does because, regardless of how it makes him feel, provides value to his loved ones. I suspect Az probably feels if he were to stay no, if he were to refuse, then he would be deemed useless, unworthy, and abandoned as a result. Not that this would ever happen, but I think Az probably sees so little value in himself he thinks only his magic and skills are all he can provide his brothers. Not because they don't love and support him, but because years and years of trauma reinforce this idea.
It's really, really heartbreaking if you think about it.
Anywayssss, that's all I have in me for tonight, but I've got a few other points I will be adding to expand this post! I love (civil) fandom discourse, so feel free to drop in thoughts and opinions below.
Thanks for reading this behemoth!
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So I forgot about/didn't get around to deleting one of the dating apps I had installed to see what the dating ecosystem was like after having been away for close to eight years and this morning I received a notification from said app. Said app poses a daily question for users to answer in a public thread. This was today's question:
Knowing that this would not be a positive experience but feeling compelled to look anyway, I steeled myself for the responses and dove in.
"Disabled man is bitter about the way society treats him, therefore he is a narcissist."
That's a lot of words to say "no, and the only reason people say yes is because they are trying to be woke, but everyone knows deep down that disabled people aren't desirable" also your name is Òdinn and you appear to live in the forests of Norway so there is a high chance that you're a Nazi.
This is such a typical response and I have no doubt in my mind that this guy would leave said hypothetical partner who became disabled in an accident, simply because the overwhelming majority of men will leave a disabled partner. Hell it's a very common r/relationshipadvice topic.
This response leaves me with many questions and no answers. Why would you need to change your perspective?
Jesus fucking Christ. I know this is supposed to be "a joke" but it's almost more hateful that way.
Way to throw in some weird "sexual market value" incel shit into the conversation there dude with "hot women can date rich men to escape lower economic divisions".
I guess points to this guy for honesty, but it still sucks.
I've not met a single disabled person ever, including myself, who prefers the term "differently abled". Not only does the feel patronizing and like it was workshopped by a cadre of guilt ridden HR managers, the language of that particular euphemism suggests, at its core, that a failure to thrive is more the result of personal failing than systemic barriers to employment, education, housing, or relationships. It's sprung from the same liberal eugenicist minds that gave us the phrase "the only real disability is not having a positive attitude".
Christ this is bleak.
Well at least I was reminded to delete the app.
You know, nine times out of ten, it's not worth it for a disabled person to try to date a non-disabled person. Your dating pool should really just be restricted to other disabled persons, and this is in many ways preferable, but because society wants you dead, there are structural barriers. Here in Canada you were already likely to lose your disability benefits should you get married, because supporting you should be the responsibility of your spouse (never mind that the disabled partner is at much greater risk of abuse and is now dependant on their abuser) and if you're both disabled, well you both risk losing your benefits. Two people pooling their meagre resources is considered gaming the system. Bleak.
It kind of makes you hate incels just a little more for co-opting a term coined by a mentally ill queer woman, who hit on a feeling a lot of people with structural barriers to relationships experience. There are a lot of people out there who are denied intimacy for long stretches of time or perhaps for the duration of their life for reasons rooted in the pervasive and systemic ableism throughout our culture and society. Reasons that are entirely outside of those persons' control. Instead the term is now the sole domain of broken men who blame their lack of partner on a "a few millimeters of bone" instead of their actual problem, being raging misogynist antisocial creeps who do things like shit on their laptops while livestreaming with other antisocial misogynist creeps. It's a shame it wasn't put to better use.
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Oh, to dote on tense boys who spend waaay too many hours hunched over, working at their computer keyboards. How would Ray, Suit Saeran, GE Saeran, and Unknown respond to a nice shoulder massage to take the edge off?
Ray isn't the kind of person who will accept somebody spoiling him. He wants to be the person that takes care of everybody else, the person that takes care of you, so the idea that you would have to sully your hands by touching him would make him feel like he wasn't good enough.
In an ideal world, you would never think about doing something like that to him because he would be taking care of you all of the time and there would be no moment for you to realize that he was exhausted. Because he could never be exhausted in a world where he gives you everything you deserve.
That's how he feels about that and there's no other way for him to perceive the world. But, he will melt into your touch the minute he feels it on his skin. Even if he feels like he's nothing but a disgusting mess, he still yearns to feel you next to him.
Suit Saeran is the least likely to allow you the opportunity to touch him like that. Do you really think that you can make him feel better with something as ridiculous as that? If you bring up the question in any capacity when he's in a sour mood, then you're never going to be able to get the opportunity to do so. The only natural way to get him to agree to that sort of thing would be to push him into a corner with reverse psychology.
He more or less has to be tricked into allowing himself the opportunity to be taken care of. Is that the best thing in the world? No, it's not, but when it comes to somebody like him… Good luck even getting close but much less being allowed the opportunity to help his tense shoulders that feel like a rock. Do you really think a toy like you could do something like that for him? Do you really think those useless hands of yours could ever do anything to make him feel good?
That's the mentality you're going to get. However, if you do manage to get him to agree to it, you'll find him sitting in a chair rather grumpy, with a sour look on his face until you begin to touch him. It won't take long before he crashes, feeling way too good for somebody of his position, and it'll likely backfire in the end. He's not supposed to feel good in any way because feeling good is what gets you tortured, but hey, the five seconds you get of bliss are worth it, right?
GE Saeran doesn't mind at all! He is the last person in the world to turn you away when it comes to any form of affection. If you think doing that is going to make him feel better, he is already moving things out of the way to make sure you have a better position to do that.
He is comfortable in his skin now and he doesn't feel any doubts when it comes to the question of if he deserves to be taken care of or not. He doesn't feel any doubt when it comes to that because he knows his value now and he doesn't need anybody to prove it to him. All he needs to do is look in the mirror and remind himself that he is worthy. It's true, he is.
So, go ahead, offer your hands and time. He'll melt away with the rest of the tension he feels in his chest. He is nothing but putty in your hands and you should not forget that fact for a second. It is an honor to be trusted enough by him to be given the opportunity to do something like that. He's still learning how to let people in his bubble but you are always the one that is allowed no matter what he feels. You bring comfort to him.
Unknown is the last person in the world you want to touch because he will not hesitate to grab your hand and teach you a lesson. He doesn't like to be touched and he doesn't want anybody to control his aches and pains. Those are the only things that help him feel alive after living in a world of apathy for so long.
Pain is the only pressure that reminds him he's in his body because there's nothing else left that matters. Even if he's hunched over and you want to do something about it, he will growl and grit his teeth if you try to make it better.
Without a shadow of a doubt, if you managed to convince him to allow you to take care of him like that, you wouldn't be able to do it for long, and you would cry about how tense his shoulders feel. They're hard as a brick. If he does give you the opportunity to do it, he will enjoy it much more than he will ever confess. You'll never know that, but it's still worth noting.
#mod kait#ask#mystic messenger#mysme#mm#anon#saeran choi#choi saeran#ge saeran#saeray#saeran#suit saeran#unknown#ray choi#choi ray
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