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radiocrypt-id · 3 months

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The bad kids haven't really looked too closely at the Rat Grinders (meta wise I know it's a commentary on different play styles and how shitty xp farming is and how op players/parties can become by doing the bare minimum if they put in the time while everyone else plays the damn game) but I find the split perspective problems absolutely fascinating. I can't wait for the Bad Kids to look at the Rat Grinders with envy and anger that the Rat Grinders got to live a normal highschool life without all this insane danger and experience being a teenager without it being the end of the world for them. Right now they just hate the Rat Grinders energy and are matching it back (which is a very high school thing to do. To have beef with a whole other group of kids and not even know why but you'll die on this hill because they started shit first)

Because to the Rat Grinders, from a purely outside perspective, the Bad Kids are fucking monarchs of the school, right? They skipped classes, ran around town, fought people, got arrested, hung out with a big devil? Every new staff member came at their recommendation? One of them has both her dads working at the school?? The destroyed school property, got teachers killed, straight murdered the coach? These fucking kids run around and are apparently scott-free? because the principal liked their chaos enough to let it go and help them avoid the police? To the Rat Grinders, the Bad Kids are untouchable. They're exempt from the law. They're liars, cheats and need to be humbled. It's unfair. From everyone elses perspective, it really does look like the Bad Kids have been given crazy favourtism.

Meanwhile, all of the Bad Kids have died at least once. They've been irreparably changed and are in a constant state of fight or flight. They assume everything is dangerous and anyone might be an enemy because for two goddamn years that was the exact case! They couldn't trust any adult first year! Literally anyone could have been infected with Kalina second year! who knows what happened with the Night Yord but I fucking bet they had issues with Yorbies pretending to be helpful just to kill them! Everyone, for two years, has been out to get them! They can't even sleep! And now they have to grind so hard or they fail. Adaine has a seemingly full time job after school basically every day because she literally can't afford to live? Fabian has taken on the most physically strenuous classes and sport one dude could and has dreams of also being a social legend because he's fucking lonely in that big house and he just wants to fill it. If anyone in the party fails or dies Riz is shit out of luck and wont ever get into a university? He so desperately wants his friends with him so he's working over time and ignoring his limits to make up for his party members not caring about the future. Fig is going through the strangest arc I've ever seen in my life? she's hard avoidant and taking three classes, so a 250% work load, because she's desperate to fill her time so she can't think about all the other work she has to do that if she ignores too long could crush her under the debt of her band from her label, or how alone she feels without her girlfriend around. Gorgug is so desperate to prove himself that he's doing four years of school work in one, trying to play catch up and also prove himself at the same time, he's taking it all so seriously but also is so fucking tired. And Kristen. Mother fucking Kristen "hey girlie" applebees. Expected to dedicate her life to a god with no direction, with the weight of failure being her gods death, while also being in school and also at your friends insistence needing to run for student body president and getting your priorities so mixed up and being completely left behind by her peers who didn't have to rework their entire world view and understanding of life in the span of a few months every few months.

The Bad Kids are in a terrible place. They're suffering. I want them to just say it out loud, to stop pretending they have it handled and are fine. I want Riz and Adaine to yell at the party to get their shit together. I want Fabian to tell someone how alone and abandoned her feels. I want Kristen to scream at Cassandra that she agrees, that it's not fair, she's just a kid, how could she be enough all on her own with no help? It sucks a god can only rely on a child, for both the god and child! They're both suffering from this arrangement! Neither is happy! I want Gorgug to beat the shit out of Porter with his inventions and rage at the same time, to make the best shit and use it in the most stunning way anyone has ever seen. I want Fig to finally get some freaking help, to have her teachers and parents reach out in a meaningful way and stop telling her to figure it out alone because clearly the pressure is too much for her to handle and she's drowning. I want someone, anyone, to look at the Bad Kids and tell them to stop. To help them. But I know it wont be that easy. I know it'll be the Rat Grinders yelling at how unfair it is the Bad kids get everything while they're on the sidelines that'll get under the Bad Kids skin and they'll yell about how awesome they are and that they didn't ask for any of this shit to happen to them and to fuck off. I know it's gonna get so much worse before it gets better. I know they'll figure it out and that it'll be a painful road there.

#dimension 20 #dimension 20 spoilers #dimension 20 fhjy #dimension 20 fantasy high #d20 fantasy high #fantasy high #fantasy high junior year #d20 spoilers #d20 fhjy #d20 #kristen applebees #figeroth faeth #riz gukgak #gorgug thistlespring #fabian seacaster #adaine abernant #somebody help these kids man #they're being failed by the system #words

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asexual-means-no-attraction · 8 months

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Being in a very mogai-infested fandom is pain, but I'm probably most annoyed by demisexuality being so rampant as a HC. There is no reason for that label to even exist. I just came across a fanfic and decided to read it just to see what the author considers to be "demisexual" and:

[[Casual intimacy isn’t his thing if he’s being honest. The idea of sex without the weight of romance isn’t something he feels he’s comfortable with.]]

That's... literally normal. In fact, it's what I was specifically taught as a child was normal. That sex should only be had with the person I loved, and preferably was already engaged/married to. Because my family is catholic and that's their conservative opinion on sex.

It's totally fine to not be into one night stands or other hookups, but you are not a different sexuality because of it, otherwise being catholic is also a sexuality I guess.

(I didn't proof read any of this, so apologies now)

Gonna go off on a tangent here, but I swear it's related:

Growing up I watched a lot of Disney. And something I noticed a lot in any non animation show or movie, was just how rich everyone was. A house would have only a father and daughter, but have 5 bedrooms, 3 baths, a massive living room and dining room, and a state of the art full blown security system that at the time I didn't actually believe could actually exist cuz no 'normal' person could have that. And that would be the standard for many movies that were very much supposed to be realistic in the settings. They'd even say these people have average jobs. Even the apartment in wizards of Waverly place was HUGE. With each kid having their own bed rooms significantly larger than mine. They literally own a family restaurant that they live upstairs in. But the apartment was bigger than my childhood home. And this is coming from a kid who grew up middle class, the most well of between all my friends. If I were to base what the normal American home looks like based on the media I watched as a kid, I would have a very warped idea of what homes look like. If you actually look at the stats, not even my middle class home is normal.

Mainstream media is produced by rich people (the workers under them not so much, but the actual person in charge generally), and that can easily give a bias or warped view of what's "normal." This is even more exaggerated by the fact that characters in mainstream media are designed to be interesting not normal.

So if you're basing your idea of attraction, dating, sex, etc on what you see in the media, it's going to be warped. Which I feel like ties into your comments quite well.

Usually when I see people try to explain what is and isn't normal for experiences of attraction I get examples of media and fiction. Usually examples of characters having one night stands or being playboys. Which:

1. Flirty play boy characters are common in the media because it's easy to make them a dynamic character. Giving them character development or to gain special feelings quickly give them a whole new perspective that audiences love (this isn't a bad thing for the record).

2. Most irl people who are like these fictional characters don't get nearly as many one night stands as they or the media claim. They aren't nearly as much of a player as they seem. And they're also usually pretty annoying unlike the characters in the shows who are made to be likeable. It's unrealistic in the first place.

3. Media itself is not a good standard of what is normal as it's entirely biased on what the producer deems as normal or average. See my tangent at the beginning. The characters aren't a good way to figure out what's "normal."

I have had people explain things usually actual people as examples which I think ties into my earlier rant in exactly the same way.

How you view the people around you (or more accurately your perception of them) is biased. You have a limited social circle and can't really base what's standard for society off of it. I'm guilty of this too. We all are. It's a very natural thing to assume everyone is like the people that you have experienced with-- for better or for worse..

If you're in your teens and have teenage friends, it's gonna be really easy to feel like they're all obsessed with sex or dating. It's a new thing that you're (hopefully) just now really learning about and exploring. It's easy to go a little overboard with something new. And it's also normal to not be interested in something new. Some kids are gonna be really into dating while others aren't. Some are gonna go from one person to another, others aren't. Cuz no one knows what they're doing. No one knows their boundaries yet. No one knows what they want outta relationship yet. They're figuring it out. Whether you are interested in it or not-- both ends of the spectrum and everything in between is totally normal.

As a young adult you're still figuring things out so it's the same thing. Your own journey to figuring out what/who/how/where you want a relationship is gonna be unique then someone else's. It's normal for each person to have a different journey. This alone isn't some new identity.

Lastly, on a final note. The amount of people who want "sex without romance" is a lot smaller than we're led to believe. And the people who do feel that way are the ones who are abnormal. They may have trauma that influences it, they may not. They could be likeable, they could not. They may be abusers who just want someone to abuse, they may not have any ill will at all. They may be a shitty person, they may not. Regardless, our society pushes "romance goes with sex" a whole hell of a lot more than "sex and romance are separate." Like... a lot so. Historically and in the modern day.

So if your entire reasoning for a whole brand new identity is "I want to connect before we date or have sex," I need you to know how much that is actually extremely normal. And how much you've been influenced by biased media, possibly a shitty friend or ex, and just a warped pov in general (not necessarily of any fault of your own).

#answered #ask #discourse #lgbt discourse #long post #sorry for taking forever anon

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sunbeamstress · 6 months

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hrt diary stuff (10-30-23)

cw: personal touchy feely sex-ed style explicit stuff

alright, dolls, we're approaching month seven and the HRT is really starting to hit different. i haven't really kept a chronicle of my """""journey""""" (the irony-poisoned xillennial in me screams), and if i don't write something i'm just gonna end up as a baldur's gate/armored core reblogger so i think i'm gonna start doing that! but first, i need to catch you up

off the cuff: i'm in the latter half of my thirties. i go by "B" right now since i can't settle on a name, but right now i have the names "Cherry" and "D'arcy" and i'm trying to see if they can be put together somehow. i'd love to write the story, one day, of what made me start doing all of this in the first place, but for now we can just say that denial is one hell of a drug.

i live a privileged life - i'm white, reasonably educated, i have a job title with the word 'engineer' in it. i grew up incredibly poor, but in today's times i have had the rare luxury of being able to transition from a place of social and financial comfort. my parents do not have control over me and my workplace is supportive. i'm very lucky, and i'm having a much easier transition than most women will ever get. i try never to forget this, and try to let it keep me humble.

on new year's eve of 2022, i made the new years resolution to "destroy myself," and on april 15, 2023, i began doing exactly that. FOLX, my provider, suggested that the best way for me to destroy myself was with 4mg of Estradiol, taken orally every morning (i take 6mg now). i don't recommend FOLX, but if you live in the southern US they might be your only decent choice.

anyway, it basically goes like this:

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super early (almost immediately): the Feelings

dosage: 4mg (first, one pill in the morning and one in the evening - later, two pills in the morning (no real difference!))

this part was near and dear to me. i think back to when i lost my brother - in the middle of the grief i felt, i observed that i was experiencing a depth of sadness that was very new for me, a sort of uncharted emotional frontier if you will. to put it simply, i just really never felt THAT sad before. it reminded me of how my mother would say that when you over-ate, it would expand your stomach. in its new size, you'd want more food and you'd feel hungrier than you normally would.

this 'expanded' state is how i live now, 24/7. my friends are darling and very supportive and they've had a wealth of viewpoints as to how our emotional expression is rooted so deeply in our perception of gender, and for what it's worth i think they're right, but i have one experience most of them don't: i'm AMAB. occasionally their support would leave me feeling a little shut out, as if they were unintentionally discounting a very real chemical change that has opened previously shut doors in my brain. it isn't their fault. i just don't think anyone realizes what a poison testosterone can be

it isn't simply that i'm allowing myself to feel more. it doesn't feel like a psychosocial phenomenon. i actually feel more. it's stronger and rawer and so much closer to home. picture your sense of touch being amplified, so that you can't stroke a bedsheet or touch your hair without your nerve endings blasting dense packets of sensory information to your brain and back, seemingly out of proportion with what actually happened. i want you to imagine this happening with your emotions, instead. happiness has so many more shades; anger is so many-layered and so very complicated, very specific. i can be affected by faint, hazy motes of love and lust and loneliness that each demand careful consideration, and that touch very specific parts of my spirit. the spectrum of emotion is such a dense and noisy neighborhood and there are ever so many avenues

i don't feel like i'm letting down my defenses... rather, i feel like a longtime smoker who has just quit, and is now realizing just how flavorful all of her food is.

second puberty kicks in during the later stages of this. i couldn't imagine trying to work a customer service role at this point. you're going to freak out, girlie. if you have the luxury of working a job where you don't need to see anybody, put on some music, keep your head down, and just get through it. if not, i'm so sorry. do the best you can, love, and don't forget to forgive yourself

nothing else super exciting to report. the natural oils of my skin and hair started to change and i began feeling "cleaner" if that makes sense. the biggest physical change here was just how often i smiled.

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mid stage (3-6 months): the Softness

before my next estradiol refill, i got bumped up from 4mg to 6mg, taken orally - i had some serious issues trusting FOLX so for the first month, i continued only to take 4mg and banked the third pill. i'm taking all 6mg every day now. i'm going to check in with my doctor but if i understand the research, i may have balanced myself enough that i can get away with monotherapy - only taking estrogen, as my T levels are so low that my body could very well shut down testosterone production all on its own.

this part absolutely fucking ruled, and it's pretty neat to know that it basically lasts forever. it's one thing to touch your forearms and wonder if you're getting softer; it's a very different and altogether more enormous thing to realize that you are indeed getting softer. my skin was changing, actually changing!

there is something unutterably beautiful about the naturally-defined order of dance steps that your body will effortlessly follow, under the influence of hormones. not to be a hopeless nerd, but it has the same carefully thought-out, human vibe as a well-made game tutorial or a meticulously planned dinner. first it coaxes open the little latch in your brain that lets you feel and dream and sob and love in 4K, and then once you've had a little experience and gotten the hang of it, it does the same trick with your nerve endings and says "alright doll, go touch the world back."

my roommates thought i was a pervert because i'd keep gasping at touch. i was wholly unprepared for the texture of the couch or for the feeling of my own hair after it'd been freshly blow-dried. i remember one day i woke up and the hardwood floor was tickling my feet so much, i was trying not to whimper. it was so fucking much

in the previous stage, it was hard to avoid the sense that my emotions had scarred over, and that the HRT had sanded away the edges until i was left with vulnerable, exposed organic surfaces

in this stage, i felt like i finally had some kind of proper cover, some interface, some missing and necessary part to put over those surfaces. i was a machine being slowly but surely finished. now, my body matches my mind - it feels the way i do. it is no longer a protective layer through which i touch the world, but is instead substanced by it; made of world-stuff, so that there is no difference between feeling the world and feeling myself. John Locke suggested that the doped tabula rasa of the mind is little more than an illusion, facilitated by your organs of sense - but now i am an organ of sense and the mind/body barrier has never felt more flimsy

i think i started growing breasts around month 4. naturally the dolls are fixated on this part, and i don't have anything to report that you can't find in a million other hrt blogs and similar spaces - they're gonna get sore. they're gonna feel really weird to touch. they're gonna be fuzzy and having to shave them sucks so fucking much. you're absolutely going to forget you can't just casually bump your chest against a door frame, and you're gonna have to explain to your roommate that no, you weren't being stabbed through the spinal column with a superheated ceramic knife, you only screamed that loud because your weird little cone titties were so goddamn tender!!!!

right now (6 1/2 month mark): the Urges

i noticed that from the outset, my hrt experiences aligned pretty closely with the net's wealth of anecdotes - but the longer i'm on estrogen, the more i begin to find variations, the more i start to read things like 'this may impact you later or earlier' and for me it's almost always earlier (i was kinda low on T naturally). don't freak out if this stuff isn't happening to you yet!

hrt completely trashed my sex drive. sometimes i went through the motions anyway, because i am a profoundly and unapologetically sexual person, but it was more of a learned/cultural thing, and even that stopped. my sense of touch was currently being reserved for enjoying silk and kitty ears, i had seemingly no interest in my annoying, distracting sexual characteristics!

i have a lot i could say on how sexuality has influenced my life - like a lot a lot. i can't really summarize it here but i can do the best i can: a man's sex drive is torture. doubly so if you're a man who knows he isn't one, and who has actively been living the sort of sex life that occasions unsolicited "you're like a lesbian" comments from past lovers. combine this with the tendency for men to put their self worth into their sexual prowess, and you have the perfect conditions for a confusing mess

anyway - one day, i'm sitting with my friends watching the Good Place, and there's this scene where one of the main characters is shown briefly kissing Janet, just before she transforms into somebody else.

my heart stopped.

i just suddenly couldn't breathe. when i could, i wasn't getting enough air, and i was so light-headed and so warm and i felt so silly. it feels really uncharitable to say that i thought i'd suddenly lost a few dozen IQ points, but i honestly felt like, so small and so silly and just a little stupid, and in that moment i sort of wanted to be told those things.

it kept happening: once when my roommate put her hand through my hair and told me how good i was doing with my makeup; once when the gorgeous woman who pierced my ears giggled and called me "a bleeder"; far, far more than once when i'd read saved chat logs with old flames, reread saved bits of roleplaying, and more.

i get turned on, babes! it's so fucking weird! it's not like anything i've ever experienced. just with everything new in my life, it continually shocks me with hitherto unexperienced layers of complexity: being turned on by a little touch and compliment is so much different from being outright hit on. being called "'good girl" hits way harder than being told i look "stunning." all of these come with their own new and dizzying qualia, and they all have different ways of interacting with my limbic system. this was all supposed to affect me the same! it's so complicated now!

the best thing is: i know when i'm turned on and when i'm horny. i know when i'm feeling warmth for someone and when i'm attracted. it's like my brain had been sending everything down the same tunnel, and now it realizes it's supposed to have its shit together, to propagate signals through the correct channels. i can be turned on and not want to be touched. i can feel love and genuine affection for my friends - without the queasy, guilt-inducing part where i desperately keep my sex drive down, ignoring the out-of-place and unwanted things i feel for them. i can keep myself up until 3am, driving myself insane, exploring my body, and come out of it feeling silly and tired and satisfied, without the loneliness, the sadness, the self-disgust.

my body is very, very soft - it isn't just the better skin conditions i alluded to before, but as i lose my visceral (below-the-muscle) fat, my body replaces it with subcutaneous (above-the-muscle) fat. i'm still in the very early stages of this, but it's already noticeable. i'm skinnier than i've ever been in decades, yet my chest, ass, and thighs jiggle when i walk! HRT is so fucking cool.

at this point in the adventure, if you've been keeping to a skincare routine you really should be seeing results. i'm working on developing better habits and i still struggle with motivation, but still - i try to exfoliate at least twice a week and i moisturize regularly. if ADHD allows it sometimes i'll remember to bust out the serums or the snail cream. my body hair's growing in a little slower, it comes in thinner and lighter, and my skin has this lovely translucence that i never get sick of looking at. i shine, very faintly, in the light.

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i've never kept a diary in my life so i'm just gonna decide how it works: here we close. i just really hate how hard it is to find testimony and shared experiences. it's so fucking crazy how i can ask google to name a movie i barely remember but it is somehow useless when i want to know if my nipples are supposed to hurt at 5 months of HRT (they are).

i think that even a single trans girl finding my blog and maybe feeling a little less unsure about herself is enough for me to keep wanting to do it, though.

#hrt #transgender #mtf trans #diary #longwinded #self-deprecation is a hell of a drug #but testosterone is worse

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northwest-cryptid · 17 days

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Okay so like here's the thing right, I've learned that I hold a sort of envy for an individual who's life I would never want to live. She very much threw her life away but at least she knew what she wanted. She got to be trans because she didn't work a job, so she could be as out as she wanted without consequence given that her family was fine with it. She could get on HRT, hell even my family supported her and took her shopping for clothes and the like; things my family wouldn't accept the same for me because I'm "their son." Though if that's all it was, that'd have been fine; no the issue came when she picked up hard drugs, had a relatively successful few polyam relationships; something I've only known a few times in my life and something I'll likely never know again. Once more I must state if she avoided the horrible ego death from so much LSD she can't think straight anymore, she'd have been fine. She even started producing, I'll say; honestly kinda decent music? It started to resemble music, but then remember; the acid, the LSD, the shrooms; it was never enough. She didn't have to survive like I did, she had a luxury of her boyfriend and her family being able to support her, she could still mask well while on HRT until she could pass so even when she had to get a job it wasn't too challenging for her; she even lived in a place where that sort of thing is a lot more accepted, so you know; not where I'm living now lol.

At the end of the day I lost my friend not in death, but in that she became someone completely different and we drifted apart, because the drugs just got to her; she'd become almost hostile if you didn't want to try them too; if you weren't willing to experience the world she had seen.

Yet I was always envious of her ability to just do whatever she wanted without a care. I'd never want to live her life; but the things she had were things I wanted, I just didn't know at the time. I think above all however, the fact that I realized I was trans so late.

Many of my friends will respect that I'm NB but it's fairly clear how I'm viewed, I'm not seen as a genderless or multi-gendered entity; rather I'm viewed as NB - Male. It's clear I'm still a man to most of them, as well as to the world at large. Coming to terms with the fact that while no, I don't believe I fit into the binary, I feel such envy towards my old friend because people actually respected her as a woman, there was no need to clarify, barter, or remind people. Even those of us who had known her for years prior to the transition.

I on the other hand have to fight to even be seen as anything other than a man, let alone non-binary. To be seen as a woman is so far fetched to me it feels impossible. If I started HRT I know what would happen, I wouldn't pass well enough, my voice or general genetics would easily give away that I'm trans; and living where I do, working the kind of jobs I do, that's not going to fly. I wouldn't remotely be safe to do it. That's even if I could get through all the paperwork and doctors necessary to sign off for me to even get on HRT in the first place.

I've come to the realization that if I'm going to be viewed as any gender I'd rather that be a woman than a man; but that in reality I'm just feminine leaning; I don't wish to be one or the other exclusively in it's entirety.

I am left wondering if my desire for change doesn't stem from a sort of disapproval from those I care about. I want to be seen as I am by them; even if it means I have to change my physical appearance to make that happen. I hear the way they speak of others, including other NB individuals; never failing to use proper pronouns; until it comes to me. Then it somehow becomes an issue; then it somehow becomes confusing.

I don't want to be rude to the people I care about, I don't want to be off-putting and "correct" them. I guess I'm just tired of not feeling respected or seen or understood.

One of the main reasons I kept to myself about being trans was because I watched how my family treated my friends, always making sure to be accommodating; using the right pronouns, bothering to actually help them transition; and then seeing how they reacted to me even remotely mentioning that I was questioning my gender. Or how they reacted to me being pan, refusing to accept either; telling me I've never "slept with a man so how do I know?" Only to become enraged when I told them I have, several times; and that I even had a few boyfriends in the past.

I've learned that others are allowed to be things that I am not, more often than not I don't even feel like I get to be me; rather I'm just whatever others want me to be when they want me to be it. I exist for others, be it at work or at home or wherever. I don't even know what I want anymore because I've spent so long being someone else for everyone else.

#Eh sorry for the personal rambling #Just felt like getting this out into the world

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theninjazebra · 4 months

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Three points I would like to see discussed in homeschooling conversations more -

1. The economics. Unless someone is making absolute bank, being a single income household is very hard, especially with children. It then can become a game of child's education vs parent's job, even a wfh job (or family business, which is an even bigger bog of money vs education). And this is just day to day costs, not including that if you want a good education without a school you need to $pend on extra curriculars. So $$ vs education.

2. The difficulty of teenagers and how easy it is for education to become a battleground when the very normal process of building an identity outside your parents, but still being young enough that you can't take full responsibility for your education. If a child is of an age where they're ready to start fighting about everything, school is the easiest battleground. Parents already have a HUGE influence on the development of their kid, from big things like values to stupid shit. Increasing the amount of time you have together tilts this dramatically, so when teenagers very normally, very healthily pull away it's even more confusing and stressful. So relationship vs education.

3. The state of the community itself. Everyone wants to believe that they are the exception, they will stay normal, but your life is so fundamentally different to other families that other homeschoolers become your community just because they have this in common. And oh holy shit, the radicalisation in homeschool communities is real and a problem.

It's that human nature drive to be The Most, that tends to pull groups of people to more extreme positions, and it's the nature of the people who choose to pull their kids out of school - you have to be very strong and independent, very intense. And that strength has a down side - prone to contrarianism, stubborn, inflexibility. They're oddballs, but that makes them vulnerable. Everyone needs community, and if you're hanging out with people more extreme than you it's easy to loose sight of where you are.

The starting position of homeschool communities is that schools, especially public schools, Are Bad, Worse Than Anything You Could Do To Your Kid (why they are The Worst depends on the homeschooler, and is kind of besides the point).

This line gets repeated so much, it's taken as just absolute truth. Again, the reasons are mixed, some are ideological, sometimes because of bad experiences (especially parents bad experiences). But anytime there's a problem, other homeschoolers, who become a huge part of the family's support network, will always, always encourage to Keep Homeschooling, Homeschool More, Homeschool Harder (or unschool! a different topic for another day). And anyone outside the community who has concerns is Not Being Supportive.

Having said all of that I met my bestest best friend through homeschooling. There are also some lovely, dedicated, smart, fun people in there.

(I've deliberately stayed away from specific ideology because that is a different conversation, and I think the above is relevant regardless of political leanings.)

There are many reasons to homeschool. There are also as many reasons not to. I think people should have as many options as possible, they know their lives best. But before defending it or pulling your kids from school, or begging your parents to homeschool, please think about the above. It can turn into a vicious circle of everyone's needs not getting met, leading to a bonus 4th thing -

4. Mental/physical health crisis. When you're living an unusual life poor mental health can be normalised or missed. I mean this more in a generalized "we are a bit overwhelmed by life, haven't got out enough, just tired, etc kind of way than a serious issue. These are the conditions that can breed a serious issue. Or a bereavement! Or job loss! Or illness and injury! Or any number of life stuff that can compromise the primary source of education for a homeschooled child. A good homeschool friend will help, but again, the community is a grab bag so they can also enable a lot of shit.

I dunno. I know people want to argue about socialization all day, but I think those discussions often miss some of the finer issues - and if you're being bullied (yo, i did go to school for a bit, and that was a really mixed bag) the kind of socializing you get is fucked anyway. Even as a homeschooled kid I've always thought of it as not better or worse than school, and I stick by that as an adult. But I do wish the money, and the parental relationships, the community as a whole, and definitely the health of parents and children was discussed more.

#homeschooling #home education #if you want to homeschool please consider these issues first #they're not impossible but they are serious and shouldn't be a “fix it when we get there” kind of thing

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answersfromzestual · 8 months

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'Parents must be fully involved' in student's decision to change pronouns, Ontario education minister says

Gross. Because so many parents are just okay with their kid transitioning. It's not like a kid of SIXTEEN years can have their own identity without consent from their parent/ guardian...

This is going to cause a crisis. A mental health crisis in youths. There already is a crisis! I believe children and youths are humans, and this is a blatant violation of their human rights and our jobs to protect them.

Some people have really crappy parents when it comes to coming out with a new pronoun. This is going to cause a skyrocket in depression and probably sadly teenage suicide...

We need to start asking our kids, their kids, everyone's kids what THEY want.

What do pronouns have to do with a child's education? Why is this a priority over schools having updated learning experiences? Updated courses? Even hiring more social and youth workers?

Why do they just not use any pronouns before 16? Names are there to be used.

This is a target Ontario. By Doug Ford.

Sorry, I am appalled by Saskatchewan's government, Ontario's as well. Our government (Canada as a whole) likes to say one thing "progressive" and then do the opposite and carbon copy of how little changes that has lead to so much danger in the United States, and other countries around the world.

This endangers lives just to make the people who are older, biased, and heavily hold outdated, values feel better.

Stop pandering to the boomers and the echo boomers. These are not the people who we need to target. Younger voters (gen x and later) are too busy fixing what those generations broke to go vote. (Just as a side note me, my partner, and several of my friends all of the same age did not receive their voting registration. This puts a huge hurdle out there for us. It means we have to wait in line for possibly hours to wait in another line to fill out the form the government should have sent you. Last time I voted it took FOUR hours before I was done. Many companies pressure employees that they can't leave to vote because it takes so long. You get a maximum of three paid work hours to vote. Most people are bullied into trying to go after their shift, even if it's really not feasible.

Funding has also been cut in mental health resources. I don't believe these kids will have any form of mediation or help from the school or government. They barely had it when I worked in the school sector. There are not enough social workers to go around. Working in the school sector I had to cover 6 schools in 5 days...

Working in my sector is exhausting as well because there aren't enough of us to go around here either. My shift ends for me to stay around five more hours to finish my documents...

I don't remember anyone asking us if the government should cut funding to hospitals, mental health programs, education programs, or if my child needs my permission to use the pronoun of choice! I don't remember asking for the police to get license plate readers for all cruisers or to give the government officials raises and freeze doctors' wages even lower because doctors are willing to take a cut for more nursing staff. Where is the democraticy in this?

This was my personal opinion written under the article.

Stay Golden Everyone ✌️ 💙 💜

#transgender #parents need to approve childs pronouns #canadian politics #child gender policy #this cant be legally protected can it?#trans ftm #ftm transition #young transgender kids being a target for politics #this feels so personal to me #squash the system #government shouldnt control who we are #assigned at birth can be another term for trans-hate #lets be honest its never used correctly #children are people too #sorry i knew i was a boy from 2 and guess its a looooong phase right?#this has to do with education how exactly?#another law costing money that could be used to actually improve schools and kids learning #but no PRONOUNS #angry transperson #sorry to the youths #i dont want to see kids go through this pain #at 16 you know your gender identity for a public school form #people dont you see this?#doug ford targets transgender people #doug ford transphobic rasist government #tw politics #angry transgender person #angry rant on canadian politics about children's rights #child and youths are also humans and deserve to be talked to and treated with dignity #toronto star

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the-tubort · 6 months

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Digimon Last Evolution Kizuna is such an experience that I feel really has melted my brain in a good way. A lot of people who hate this movie jump to saying that the movie told them to touch grass which is just. Baffling wrong. And those who love it say that it's telling you to cherish your childhood and that time until it's gone which. Isn't necessarily wrong, but I also feel misses the points just a little bit.

To me it's always been a story about the fact that our lives change and we have to do our best to grow with those changes. The most important core of the movie was outright stated during the final fight but it was even stated in the Sora short where Mimi says that she thinks it was fate for them to be chosen but it wasn't destiny for them to do all the things they did. It was the choices they made along the way that allowed them to be adults with jobs and responsibilities and be in a position where their lives are becoming more and more what they envisioned. I feel that it's very easy to forget that in the final fight it's Yamato and Taichi that remind Menoa that she didn't make the wrong choice when she wanted to grow up sooner and choose a life for herself in the adult world. This entire time after Morphomon disappears, Menoa feels that she was responsible for all of it and that she has to fix it because she made the wrong choices, but it wasn't true. Even with the brief backstory we got for her, it's clear that her childhood was not like the others. She didn't have many friends or a support system, she wanted to conduct high level research but she was restricted by the education system and had to advance through it, she was picked on sometimes and didn't enjoy being around those in her age group, and she was happiest when conducting research and given the opportunity to show how smart she is. Those were not ever wrong choices for her and even though she made some bad choices, Menoa still deserves the same level of kindness and forgiveness that the others would give each other.

Yes the movie does tell us to hold our childhood moments and memories dear, but it also reminds us that we can't always do that. It's not just reminding us growing up is inevitable and that our childhood is gone, but that when we make our choices, things change and we have to be okay with that change. Even if it means one choice closes one door, that doesn't mean that door will be closed forever. The ending where Taichi and Yamato say they'll see Agumon and Gabumon again isn't a cop out and neither is them disappearing is pointless either just because of the 02 ending. The 02 ending is important and because it's canon, we know that it's true that they see them again and if anything, adds more complexity and depth to Taichi, Yamato, and Sora as that means even though they've made the decision to be adults and pick a career path, they still find their way back to their roots and reforge their bond.

Menoa and Gennai discuss how children have limitless possibilities and that's why they get partnered with Digimon, but it's just as true that even when you're an adult you can have limitless possibilities. There are good days and there are bad days that come along in your life, but as long as you keep moving forward and you keep trying, you're never truly left without options.

For as much as it sucks to see Sora sidelined this hard in the film, I think the short really hits it home for why she ended up losing Biyomon first. She realizes that her life is her own and she wants different things than everyone else. She doesn't want to keep fighting and she wants to try and live a life where she can slowly be true to herself and what she wants. Even if it means that she isn't the same Sora when she met Biyomon, the time they spent together is invaluable to them and just as Biyomon says, the sky was meant to traveled in. Their Digimon leaving them briefly isn't a sign that your childhood has to be cherished forever and to never forget it, it means that you have to explore and seek out the world around you and your childhood will find you again later.

It's easy to get mad at the movie for how it ends and how it can conflict with the established 02 ending, but I also find that this movie makes the ending feel real. The ending of 02 with the timeskip is wild and it's hard to understand how things ended the way they did but this movie honestly helped reconcile a lot of those feelings. It now makes a lot more sense why Taichi becomes a diplomat of all things. The time he spent with Agumon and now this encounter with Menoa would likely lead him to want to ensure peace between the two worlds is strong and that other people can find their own partners. Yamato going to fucking Mars feels understandable now. He doesn't want to be boxed in with what he knows and wants to rediscover what he can accomplish.

There's a lot for me to say on this movie but after my reqatch these my most immediate thoughts and I just cannot believe we got something this well animated and strong

#tuborts thoughts #digimon #adventure #last evolution kizuna

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bingeblogging · 9 months

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At that point in life where I'm ready to just start over. Every aspect of my life is like nonexistent or pure shit.

I day dream about shaving my head, moving out of state and starting fresh. It already feels like I'm all alone in this county I've been in my whole life. I love it, but it's expensive and realistically I know i can't last here much longer. Well, unless I find some friends or a soul mate and a new job that actually pays me for what I'm worth.

I just don't know anymore. I constantly ask myself how I got to where I am now, and I think of specific moments and decisions i made or didn't make. All the micro decisions led me here...

But it's not only past regrets. I try and make changes to have goals and work on the things I can control, and for what? To end up in the same spot, feeling like an invisible force is preventing me from any escape. I don't even like to think about how I know what it feels like to not have any control of your life and how the easiest and fastest way would be self termination, but damn I'm fighting that. I'm not like on the ledge rn but it's constant tug of war with me and depression.

I could just settle, continuing my dead end job, living with my mom, no love life, friendships falling apart, too depressed/anxiety-ridden to go to events and places alone, while using weed and youtube to keep me distracted, doing ubereats on the side so that I can drive around aimlessly and seem like I'm being productive and a bo$$ babe 🤑

Orrrr I could shave my head, move away and start fresh. That is such a daunting thought though, that opens an array of questions:

What job would I get? (No college education, been basically starting from scratch in a new field like every 2 years. Can pick up on things and and have different experience, just like....could I get a job that actually pays well?)

Where would I go? (50 states, thousands of towns and cities to choose from)

Could I even pull it off without having a breakdown and moving back to what's (awful and detrimental to my mental health) comfortable?

Etc etc etc

For now I'll just keep being princess delulu, continue to cope, live vicariously through works of fiction while actively cutting myself out of people's lives lol

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 1 year

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Losing weight anon- the stress may honestly be it, that said I don't have a doctor, can't afford one. But I can at least see if I can't work on being less stressed... It's just hard being a queer trans guy in fucking Texas trapped between living with a bigot family and the streets. That said, knowing that it may just be stress instead of something like cancer is a huge relief in itself. thank you!

Oh man, that does sound stressful! So given the context of this ask, it sounds like you are likely to be young. In that case, it is not likely that you have something like cancer. It's not impossible, but it's unlikely.

(I was such a young hypochondriac, btw, I definitely convinced myself that I had breast cancer on a couple different occasions. Also appendicitis. And when I first got my period I thought I might actually be dying.)

If you are indeed young, keep this in mind: You might still be in the mid-late stages of puberty, which rapidly changes the way that your body works. Any stage in your development where you are going through a major hormonal change will significantly alter the way your body works overall. (Be prepared for this, by the way, if you ever decide to medically transition or go on T or anything like that. If you do, make sure you connect with other trans people who've also done what you're doing and ask them about their experiences. Preparing yourself for that bodily change will really help ease the process!)

It may also be stress, so consider doing some things that work for you: meditation, affirmations, time spent with friends. Exercise (while eating enough food, of course!) really helps me to de-stress. Engage in your hobbies. And if you have plans to change your living situation so that you can come out, perhaps you can also give yourself hope by looking into a game plan for that process. Make sure you do this on a locked or non-home computer. Again, use your community as a resource. Lots of other trans people have had to do this, which sucks but also means you're not alone and you don't have to do this alone either. Ask other trans people (or anyone who had to leave a toxic home, really) how they prepared. Do you have a job so that you can save money in the event that you get cut off? What does your social support network look like and how can you go about building it so that you're not going through all of life's hardships without support? Is there anything you can do to affirm yourself at home while you live undercover? (Shorter haircut, perhaps? Looser, longer pants? Looser t-shirts? Even wearing a sports bra is more compacting than most regular bras.)

But if you still experience a concerning amount of weight loss or other symptoms, please do advocate for yourself medically and look up what you can do in your state to get coverage for a check-up. I get it, I too live in 'murica. But sometimes there are programs that will get you seen for limited support on a sliding-scale cost basis. Get yourself taken care of! You deserve it!

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big-fi-little-re · 1 day

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My story

I'll use this post to outline the general profile of who I am and how that has shaped my general approach to FIRE. Everyone is different, but sometimes in these circles it seems as though there is homogeneity amongst the people participating. I think this can be discouraging for people who don't fit that mold, whether it be for who they themselves are or their job history and savings.

Everyone is different. Everyone's journey in life (and in their approach to FIRE) is going to be different, so I'd like to add my own voice to the pile.

More below

Me:

31, white, cis woman, aroace

Grew up poor to later middle class

Grew up in very blue state

Never broke 6 figures in salary

Why does this matter?

FIRE communities are full of mostly men. This isn't meant to be a "men bad" thing, just that a lot of men who are drawn to the idea of independent living have loud opinions that they stubbornly defend, but that are often based around their one singular experience of life. Loudmouth people of any kind or creed aren't great at empathizing (in my experience). A lot of the advice that gets thrown around, particularly in terms of moving to LCOL areas or geographic arbitrage, is simply not very safe for people who look a certain way.

I made a post on Reddit many, many years ago discouraging marginalized people from following the "move to a blue dot in a red sea" advice. I warned people state level policies can absolutely impact them even if they live in a progressive city. This resonated with a lot of people, and conversely, this irritated a few dudes in their 40s. Well, less than 3 years later Roe v Wade was overturned.

I actually got a DM from one naysayer who apologized.

On sexuality & gender identity:

This is to demonstrate that I will not have the income of a partner to rely on. I will also not have kids. At some point in my life, it will be just me, with my singular expenses and my singular income.

This is also why my FIRE plan revolves around dying with zero. I will have no one to leave anything to, besides whoever the beneficiaries on my accounts are should I pass prematurely.

A lot of FIRE advice is built around having a partner, planning around a partner's lifestyle or expenses, or finding a partner who is on board with the lifestyle. It also involves planning for the long term expenses of children and of leaving some amount behind for your then adult children to inherit.

Growing up:

We were not well off growing up. Eventually, we had a middle class lifestyle based around living in a multi-generational household up through my early high school years.

I am frugal by nature because that is simply how life is for me: it's my baseline. I don't feel like I've ever gone without. But when I compare my upbringing and the things we had and did as a child compared to peers who came from upper-middle to upper class backgrounds, there is definitely a disparity.

Sometimes when I look at the budgets people are shooting for with FIRE, I really can't even begin to comprehend how they spend that much money. I still don't. It's not a judgment call: it's just not something I could ever want to do even if I had the means.

From my perspective, my lifestyle has been comfortable. I have a lot of hobbies I enjoy and some nice things I enjoy owning. I like to order takeout on Fridays and I try to go to a restaurant once every other month with friends & family. Eating out was always a luxury for us and I still feel that way today: I like it to feel special.

Where I'm from and where I've been:

My family is from a very blue area. I've lived here the vast majority of my life, as has my family.

I took some time to travel the USA for a few years. I lived in blue dots in red states. They were all very nice. I (mostly) never really felt unsafe, but also, I am white and the spaces I lived in were very white.

But I would never settle down in any of those areas. They were nice to live in on the short term. I met a lot of great people! I was very much interpreted as a traveler, an outsider. The way people approach you is different when you're a guest vs being a permanent settler. There's also the fact that while these were lovely areas to visit and have some fun and enjoy my comparatively high remote salary in, they were not going to be the best places for all varieties of people.

I also timed things to where I was in these zones between late 2021 - late 2023. I didn't want to be out there during a presidential election year after some aggressive arguments I overheard more than a few times.

Don't get me wrong: blue states aren't perfect. People are fucking racist and sexist and generally assholes everywhere.

But I don't need to worry about what medical procedures I can get. I don't need to worry about physical access to healthcare - there's hospitals abound! The schools are great. If I fall, the state I have paid many taxes to will help me get back up. There are lots of job opportunities. The crime is low, even in my higher-than-state-average city. I have access to so many different grocery stores, small businesses, and small local restaurants.

I mean damn, almost everything out there was some kind of chain.

My job(s):

I work in tech. My degree was in a related field, but I struggled a lot with finding a job in my degree after college. I ultimately never succeeded.

I was very much held back by bigotry for a long time (and I know it because they taunted me to my face about it) and then from pursuing lower-paid, mission-driven work. Which is to say that I totally fell for the bullshit and made some execs very wealthy in exchange for empathy burnout.

My average salary was around $50 - 65k for most of my career. I have only recently earned above $80k. I'm still underpaid compared to the industry, but I settled for it due to my job being relatively easy and low stress until recently.

I want to show that you don't need to be pulling down $100k straight out of college to pursue this. Making more money definitely helps you get there faster. It's what you spend, not what you make... to a realistic degree. Some expenses are expensive and can't go away. But some expenses are expensive and are very much not requirements to enjoying life.

College and debt:

I have no debts.

I bought all my cars used off of Craigslist for less than $3k. I've only put what I can pay off at the end of the month on credit cards. I keep 2 years of expenses on hand as a cash buffer and emergency fund. When it dips, I prioritize replenishing my cash before investments. I don't know if that's the best move in terms of min-maxing your net worth, but it's what makes me feel the most secure.

I went to community college for 2 years and transferred to a 4 year state university. A state law guaranteed all of my credits would transfer and I received reduced tuition for a high GPA. The reduced tuition was only good for a couple hundred bucks a semester, but better than nothing.

My community college gave me a scholarship. With that scholarship and years of savings, I was able to pay for all of community college in cash. I also made the mistake of buying new, current edition textbooks for my first semester only.

I started working part time when I transferred to the 4 year university. I was a commuter student and lived at home during college. I worked retail and a campus job, eventually quitting the retail job 1 week shy of a year to take more campus hours. I was paid $10 an hour for my campus job in 2014 compared to $8.75 an hour for my retail job. I was psyched!

One of my professors helped me receive payments from the school to cover research assisting. That was $3000 secured. I thank him profusely to this day. I took on various other small contracts from professors, the university, and affiliates, but many of those never paid out or paid out years after the fact for only a few hundred dollars.

I'm the only person in my family to go to college. My parents valued education and took an equity line of credit on our home to pay for my federal loans. That was about $20k. I paid for my private loan myself: that was $8k. I didn't know you could take FAFSA on years when you weren't using it to pay for classes, so I missed out on the money from my first 2 years of college when I used the scholarship. We paid off my federal loan and my private loan the last day of my classes to prevent accruing interest at those insane rates. I have paid back all of the money on the equity line since then and part of my parent's mortgage.

I recognize that I was very privileged to be able to avoid high interest rates and to have my parents acting as the bank: if I missed a payment due to being out of work or not having enough money, my credit wouldn't be destroyed. I could make up for it later.

My family:

Here's the big one: I've lived with my family most of my life.

No, no it wasn't for free. I've been paying rent since college. $700 per month and later $900 per month. I now pay only for food.

Why? We're in a VHCOL area. One of the most expensive in the world. Again, even in our undesirable city on the outskirts of the desirable city things are expensive.

Moving out with friends didn't work out because our jobs were so dispersed. My family also couldn't have comfortably survived without additional income from me and my sibling. We also had various other family members and friends living with us on and off for my entire life.

I haven't always had a great relationship with my family. Living at home, to me, was always a sacrifice I made towards FIRE or simply the reality of circumstances. If I wanted to live in my home state and work in my home state, I needed to live at home.

Once I secured a remote position, I left to MCOL areas. I had initially intended on renting for a while in LCOL - MCOL areas and eventually buying a home in a MCOL area of the region I'm from.

I recently moved back in with my family in 2023. My parents are old and my father has cancer.

For many reasons, I wasn't keen on moving back after I had left a few years ago. But once he was diagnosed, I understood, truly, that my parents are old. They need help. We don't have much time left together.

Part of my FIRE journey is in maximizing this time I have.

#just me thinking about fire #cw cancer #cw parental death #cw death

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tandrew · 7 months

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Hello all! I can't believe it's already been 2 years since I began my journey of healing, self-discovery, and self-love.

As I reflect on my personal growth and experiences over the past two years and what lies ahead, I wanted to give an update and some background for those who have started following my journey along the way.

Last week, I started a full-time position as a project manager for a utility in New York helping them implement technology that will help them automate and manage their grid of the future. My plan is that once the project is completed, I want to take some time off to backpack through South America, hopefully in late 2024/early 2025!

Despite having been privileged enough to able to live my life on my own terms and being much happier than I've ever been since I caught the travel bug studying exchange in Singapore in 12 years ago, I still have a lot of healing to go and more therapy and self-therapy to help me get there. But I have come such a long way from the emotional trauma that pushed me to start this journey in the first place, which was a blessing in disguise and am grateful to be alive and healthy on this journey!

Here's a quick recap of my travel adventures:

• I went on an amazing 4 month road trip across the US where I visited 21 national parks, 5 national forests/monuments, hit all 4 corners of the continental US, and drove just a little over 20,000 miles through 36 states (many of them for the first time!).

• I went on several domestic and international trips, mainly solo trips to visit friends and family and a few spontaneous solo adventures using my Frontier Airlines all you can fly pass, but I also went on my first group trip to Galapagos with 10xTravel Insiders (where I learned how to pay for travel using credit card points and miles by being strategic with which credit cards I use to pay for my expenses without changing my spending habits).

• I logged close to 100,000 flight miles over 48 flights, spending almost 9 days in the air, visiting 30 airports in 11 countries, and taking 15 different airlines.

• I hiked to the top of Mount Washington with a new group of friends I met and chased the New England foliage from the White Mountains in New Hampshire down to Bear Mountain in CT.

And in terms of work:

• I worked as a staff accountant part-time for a small CPA firm and worked two tax seasons helping many minority and low income individuals and families with their taxes as well as non-profits and churches with financial statements.

• I also picked up another part-time job as a principal electrical engineer with a large infrastructure and defense engineering company (Parsons Corporation) helping them grow their utility business.

#personaljourney #flighty #nationalparkroadtrip #takenoniphone #archesnationalpark #redwoodnationalpark #craterlake #nyc #newjob #grateful #personalgrowth

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angelbluediary · 1 year

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Today, I can't help but marvel at all my past experiences. At all my triumphs and lows. All the building blocks.

I didn't realize just how good I had it early last year, when rent was completely covered by the easiest copy editing job in the world. And it was part-time! I still had all my freedom. I took it for granted, thinking I could do so much better without it. Now all I can find are more demanding editing jobs that pay pennies per page (nice alliteration, me). And I have to seriously consider them. I just need... something. I am worried, but I'm not despairing. I know this is temporary. And I know I still have lots more effort to give. I know I'll end up where I need to be. Beating myself up over "wasting" the last year won't get me anywhere. I did what I thought I had to do, just like always, and I'm proud of myself for sticking to my convictions through it all. It's time to emerge from this poverty phase.

I'm marveling at my college self, who woke up early, put herself in the public eye every single day, wrote multiple essays and assignments per week, and grew alongside her peers. The me who traveled to new states and big conferences. I did all that! The same anxious me who struggles to leave my apartment. I also had an interesting reality check when I realized that so much of the things I feel excluded from, are things I've already experienced. I was watching a movie with my family last night and it took place in this huge, amazing nightclub, and my typical envy bubbled to the surface. It's hard to shut that voice up when it whispers resentment over not getting to go to clubs like that, not getting to have fun the way movie characters do. But I have been to nightclubs. I've been to drag shows, I've been to fetish parties, I've been to places that are promoted as the best of the best where I live, and I was unimpressed but I danced and flirted and was bought drinks and got numbers. That was my experience. And now I'm a single girl who doesn't date, who stays home all the time, but in the past I was a wild child heartbreaker who hooked up with guys on dark streets and by the playground in the middle of the night; I was the girl who interrupted lovemaking in a car to wipe away steam from the windows and stare in awe at the deer that had appeared nearby. I was raised in a trailer home on a dusty road and I couldn't get the shampoo I wanted because it didn't fit the family budget; I have also wandered New York and shared joints with eccentric strangers in a hidden Brooklyn art gallery; I swam in my underwear in the pool of a wealthy friend of an ex, where seemingly endless bottles filled the tables. And I just forget about these things because they weren't all that remarkable, just moments in time. They didn't alter my personality or lifestyle. So why do I always feel like I could be different and "better" if I'd had more room to party, more spectacular venues to dance in? I have lounged in the Hamptons. I drank strawberry wine in San Antonio. I bought streetside churros in NYC and entered an elevator with top media journalists who remarked that they looked good.

And for all the heartache of not having a strong, consistent friend group, maybe I can find comfort in the little moments here and there. Getting ready to perform at football games in my high school best friend's room, with cases of makeup covering the floor. Belting Taylor Swift in the car with another grad student. Watching the sun rise over the ocean with a friendly group of people I wanted to be closer to. Icing my ass after the first kink party as we laughed (or complained) about the night back in our AirBnB. So many more moments I discount because they don't fit the narrative I've wanted, but they were real, they all happened. I shared space and feelings and memories with all these different people. And that's worth remembering, worth celebrating. I have every right to feel tired after the year I've endured, but I'm seeing now that happiness is just a series of small choices made every single day. Choosing again, and again, and again to think positively. Happiness as a force I deliberately uphold and nurture, not something that is magically bestowed upon me. Yes, it is possible to be melancholy and deeply joyful at the same time, just like any other contradiction I am: slutty and celibate, ancient and modern, romantic and pragmatic. I am endless and flowing. I pray that I will have the money to pay April rent on time. I pray that I receive job offers that uplift and support me, not just financially, but mentally and emotionally. I pray that Ginger and I continue to be healthy. I pray that my car stays okay and doesn't need any urgent work anytime soon. I pray that everything works out for the greatest good. I pray that all blockages and doubts keeping me from my desired outcome are removed swiftly, so that abundance can come pouring in and change my life.

#personal #gratitude #dear universe

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colby-k · 1 year

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Stuck Between A Rock and A Hard Place

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where everything seems to be going wrong all at once? It's like you're experiencing the snowball effect first-hand. Everything is just not what you expected it to be. Me too, my friend. It's where I am now--stuck between a rock and a hard place.

A little bit of backround: for the past 11 years, I have been struggling with epilepsy. They have been trying to find out where in my brain my seizures are coming from, but they've had no luck. Because they've been becoming more frequent (almost weekly), we tried a week-long observation of my brain and, if I had a seizure during that time, they could figure out the source and hopefully be able to fix it. I never wanted to have a seizure before, until that moment. I didn't have one, though. My neurologist told me that I was going to be weaned off of my medication that week until I had a seizure, but I wasn't which was odd. They also wouldn't keep me for more than 5 days. It was a failed experiment. At least, that's what it felt like to me.

Even though we didn't get what we hoped for, my epileptologist told me that they still discovered valuable information about my brain. That made me happy. It wasn't a complete failure.

My doctors are also still trying to figure out why I get dizzy for a while every morning, too. Almost every morning, I get dizzy and shaky. I can't walk without holding onto something. I can't read, type, or write. It happens at the same time every day, too. I'm a mess.

My mental health hasn't been the best either. My depression has been getting worse. I think part of it is the change of the season. Winter always has a negative effect on my depression. My anxiety has been okay, there haven't been any intense issues recently. However, the voices are also what has been bothering me. Along with "Just do it," they also say things like "Fuck all of them" or "no matter what" or other things I don't want to talk about.

I've also been having some financial hardships and insecurities. I had gotten in a car accident not too long ago, and my car has been in the shop while parts are still coming in. I'm still having to pay my insurance and car loan. Of course, they are very pricy. I'm unemployed right now, so I've been running out of money and falling deeper into a hole of chaos.

I don't have my own place to live right now either. I'm staying with family, and they want me out by a certain time. It's been difficult to find somewhere to live either on my own or with someone else.

I asked a few of my friends if they would want to be roommates, and they all had different plans. One of my friends said he and his friend were talking about moving in together. My other friend went to grad school in another state. I don't have many friends. Most of them are back home in Pennsylvania.

I also never made enough money at a job to ever get my own place, especially when I was in school. Now, freshly graduated, I have so much ahead of me. It's so daunting. But I still don't have any money. I was behind on rent (yes, my family charges me rent) and my car insurance. Borrowing money sucks.

I've been applying to so many jobs, though. I've applied to dispensaries. I got one interview but was declined. They told me I had a great interview, but they decided on another candidate. Another dispensary was overstaffed, and the other never called me back. So, I was given the idea of finding an online writing job. Then I can use my degree for something.

I started looking on Google Jobs for freelance writer jobs that I could apply for. It led me down a rabbit hole, applying for different jobs like crazy, even jobs I knew I wouldn't get! But I thought, "Why not? You never know."

I received a few emails telling me that either my resume was declined and I wasn't fit for the job, or the job was taken off the market. Until I got an email asking for an interview over the phone. It was for a completely remote job to be a content writer for an insurance company. I am super excited about the interview. Finally, something is going right.

But hold on.

This is still a sufferable time.

It's getting to be winter and since I don't have a car, I have to walk. I walk to close places, though. My nicotine addiction made me walk for 30-45 minutes to a 7-Eleven to get pods, then 30-45 minutes back to my house. In the cold. In the wind. It was absolutely miserable.

It's been difficult. It really has. I just can't take it much longer. I know things will get better, it's just a matter of when. It gives me anxiety to think about how I will fix things. Are they going to fix themselves? Is it all up to me?

These questions and a lot more ran through my head as I tried to think. I thought about the gratitude journal that my aunt bought me. I realized it helped me see what in my life is important to me. It has helped me feel more positive about myself and how to make my day better. It's something I'm trying to continue with. I highly suggest making a gratitude journal, if you'd like.

I was talking to my grandmother over the phone the other day, and I was complaining to her because that's what you do with your grandma. I was telling her all that I told you and she just sighed and said that she had no advice. Then, a minute later, she sighed again and said to me, "Colby, you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place."

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whitecapcounseling · 2 years

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5 Ways To Overcome Burnout

If you are in the middle of your mid-day doom scroll trying to break up the monotony of your work day, you have come to the right place. I'm guessing you are feeling trapped by all of your daily responsibilities. Maybe, you even feel as if you were sold a big lie that if you opted into the hustle culture you would eventually come out on top and be able to work towards living a life you love. While there may be benefits of hard work, there can also be a major cost to your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing that coalesce to form the symptoms of burnout.

While burnout is not a medical diagnosis, it is defined by the Mayo Clinic as, "a state of physical or emotional exhaustion that also involves a sense of reduced accomplishment and loss of personal identity". If this definition aligns with your experience, I want to start a conversation by saying, "It is not your fault". There are many work-related factors that are out of your control that have landed you here, such as lack of control over job related duties, misalignment of personal values with company values, workload, lack of adequate compensation, and unfair company policies or practices.

Now you are probably feeling incredibly irritated and asking yourself, "What the hell can I do about something that is out of my control"? There are several steps you can take that I will list below. Before I do, I want to acknowledge that everyone's circumstances are different and what may work for some may not work for everyone else. With that being said, feel free to take what is helpful and leave the rest.

Here are some helpful ways to manage burnout.

Identify the source of your burnout. Is it due to any of the above-mentioned factors?

Explore your options. If you are struggling due to a toxic work environment, is it time to look for another job or look into working for yourself? If you are ready to consider leaving your current position, what do you need to feel comfortable doing so? What boundaries might you need to set during an interview for a new position? If you can't leave, is it possible to advocate with upper management for your needs around reducing your workload or receiving higher compensation?

Give yourself permission to adjust your expectations around productivity or create boundaries around your work-life balance. It is okay to limit your efforts to solely fulfilling the requirements of your position without going above and beyond. This is especially true if you are not receiving compensation for your efforts. If productivity requirements are costing you your health, it is not sustainable. Companies may lead you to believe that the position you fill is easy to replace. However, that is most definitely not the case in your personal life. You are invaluable and irreplaceable to those you consider your friends and family.

Create more space in your life for things that bring you joy. This may look like bringing back some of the interest you had as a kid. It can also look like trying something new. Maybe there is something on your mind you have been wanting to try for years but never had time. It is now time to make it a priority.

Find support. I encourage you to find support from family, friends, colleagues, or health and wellness professionals. It is important to let others know you are struggling. Maybe now is the time to find a mentor, join a yoga class, or meet with a therapist. Asking for help is an important part of a balanced life.

I understand what I have recommended above may not be new ground-breaking advice that is going to make a drastic change immediately. I am also aware that the recommendations are also easier said than done. My hope is that I might be a small voice that reaffirms your inherit worth that encourages you to care for yourself so you can get closer to living a life you love.

#burnout #mental health #therapy

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cardboxshelter · 2 years

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I don't really know how to feel about my upbringing bc.... It was a direct result of so much trauma my family went through before I was alive. It is like coming to a movie theatre after a horror movie gere everyone is sl jumpy

Basically two of my older siblings had substance abuse issues. The type to get aggressive, out of control, and take any personal objects in the house to exchange for substance. One of them even had kids while in this situation. It was chaotic to everyone,to my other siblings, to my parents and close relatives.

Everything gradually changed after I was born, so much that I have no memories of them in this state. (I'm not too sure if they never relapsed though...)

But everyone still had vivid memories and it showed through their most "helicopter parenting" possible. Every thing was controlled and I could barely have my own experience or do something. I was too sheltered and I was a natural introvert so I was really closed off without many social graces. The advent of the Internet and fandom were the fewest outlets i had since I barely went out or had a company to have fun. I dreamed of having my own house, my own money and independence. I dreamed of the day I could have autonomy and really enjoy having more friends. I'm still chasing it.

But I grew up aware of this fear. I grew scared of substances and social gatherings. I was scared of falling from grace at any moment. I wanted to receive some trust in return. To show the past wouldn't repeat with me, I'm different

Only after my father died I could truly grow and develop some actual skills. As much as I have been through so much instability, I have proved to my mom and my closest sister(the rest is on bad terms with us rn) I have my own skills to stand on my own, I'm my own person and I'm not easily swayed. I have my tastes, my morals, my experiences and knowledge. I have my opinions and my boundaries. If I had my own financial independence....I would want to live fully. I just want to do whatever I want to do and enjoy what I enjoy, on my terms. From my own effort

It's a weird relationship, overall. I'm still like a manchild(womanchild?), people realize I'm a bit underdeveloped when I talk. One job interviewer even noticed i looked too depressed like I'm coming from a shell I can't really breakthrough. She looked so concerned she reccomended strongly to have some therapy (I still cant afford it...) I want to have a chance and follow her advice... It's not lack of trying

It's a complete outsider survivor guilt pov but it marked me. It made me feel like I should avoid being a burden bc everyone already have been through so much. They shouldn't have to relive that. And we deserve better. I want to deserve better for my own too.

#Personal #Vent #Rant #While not the worst thing to go through I have not met people who share my experiences to share some thoughts #But idk i feel like processing it #Im feeling contemplative #It isn't exactly an Old sister syndrome or a younger sister syndrome #i don't meet the criteria for anything #Basically not all families have the same dynamics and i didn't feel like my older siblings regarded me as anything but an arrogant prick #who hasn't felt any hardship or was undeserving of anything #I just wanted tgings to be better

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